#sorry had to have my weekly love island rant
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July 1st, 1985
what the first ep of (my) s3 would look like if the main concept was: both Steve and Will are gay in 1985’s Summer of Love and the town’s enemy is a little more human; loving friendships, very confused adults, and Will Byers Actually Getting Help
“Harrington!”
“Yes, sir.” Steve looked up from his desk. He dropped his crossword and looked to be at attention; the police station’s phone wasn’t ringing, though, so there wasn’t really anything he should have been doing. Hopper stepped out of his office, angling himself toward the door rather than Steve’s desk island.
“Do you think you’ll be able to-- Harrington, what are you doing?” Hopper caught sight of the pocket thesaurus sitting on his desk (the last name written on the inside cover not belonging to Steve, of course). Hopper fixed his sunglasses on the edge of his nose, looking over them and down at Steve.
“I’m just, uh, working on my vocabulary.” Steve said. Hopper blinked twice, waiting. Steve wasn’t going to say the truth: he was dating-- well seeing someone-- way smarter than him. This wasn’t for joy or boredom. He was studying to impress. “It’s college prep, sir.”
“The crossword?” The chief evened his stare. “This your old man’s suggestion?” Of all the things Steve’s father was telling him to do with himself, he wished some of it was simply pecking at a crossword over a twelve hour shift. Fucking off and being a better piece of shit son just wasn’t feasible to accomplish in one summer.
“He swears by it.”
“Okay, well. Uh, moving on from that,” Hopper grabbed his hat from the coat rack. The topic of Steve’s father always made Hopper stiffen up; it was definitely the main reason Hopper gave Steve his job at the station, but it still created more questions. Steve knew Hopper and his father went to high school together, but he never asked his father about those years-- beyond his baseball glory stories. “I’ve got plans tonight and I need to head out early. Can you handle things on your own for a while. At least until the night shift comes in?”
“I’ll be fine.” Steve made sure not to acknowledge the crossword on his desk as he nodded. He was really good at his job, he was. He was also just, unfortunately, still a pretty shitty boyfriend and needed all the vocab help he could get. “What’s the pressing story?”
“I have dinner.” Hopper was already trying to walk out the door. “So don’t call me. For the love of God.”
“Oh, don’t worry, Chief. I--” Steve was sure it was the cool July wind that slammed the door on the last half of his sentence. Not Hopper. “won’t... Have a good time, I guess.”
The police station was empty: it was another boring and wonderfully quiet Monday in Hawkins. There’d been some calls to break up disturbances at city hall in the past few days, but somehow everyone just seemed to agree that Mondays-- the longest shift of Steve's whole week-- was the day everyone went about their quietest day.
There were a few officers milling in and out of the back lounge and front door, casting a quick glance to Steve as he muttered and threatened fourteen down and six across. Nancy had been helping close the gaps of his post-high school education-- without knowing just what for-- but had been picking up most hours at the Post to try and elbow her way into their good graces; it put his tutoring on hold. So here he was, groaning at some clues about classical artists he’d never heard of.
There were other reasons Steve was sure the other officers thought he was odd-- things he was sure his father had passed along in spitting rants-- but Steve didn’t mind. No one said anything to his face.
“Hey Flo! Is, uh, is Steve here?” The question was asked with the answer already in mind.
Steve sat up in his chair, twisting around to see down the hall to the back entrance to the station. There weren’t many parking spots to fill, but he knew a certain someone who preferred it to street parking.
“Jonathan?”
“Oh, I hear him. Thanks-- hey!” Jonathan hurried out from the hall, his camera bumping against his stomach and bag slapping against his leg in the same rhythm. He’d gotten a new haircut recently: semi-wonky bangs and a closer cut in the back. All thanks to Steve’s peer pressure and Mrs. Byers’s kitchen shears.
“What are you doing here?”
“Sorry to stop by your work like this--” he lowered his voice as he stopped at the corner of Steve’s desk. “I know we said we wouldn’t do that, but we got an extra muffin in the lunch order and I know you’re always starving after a Monday shift so.” Jonathan produced a folded brown paper bag from his satchel. “Here.”
“Oh, thanks.” Steve wanted to say so much more, but had to settle. No more. None of what they’d decided they wouldn’t say. Not until the summer had ended. They wanted to see if they lasted longer than the convenience of loose summer schedules.
“Won’t I see you, uh, later, though?” At eight, when Steve got sent home he always drove straight to Jonathan’s. Jonathan started late on Tuesdays and Steve had off; they had the time to waste. “Or is this your way of telling me to stay home?”
“No! No we’re still... hanging out.” Jonathan had gotten really good at cooking and treated Steve to weekly dinner. It was a nice gesture at first, but Steve started growing fond of the company. They both did around mid-June. “But, I think Mike’s going to be over so. Be cool , alright? Keep it cool.”
“Cool, got it.” Steve leaned back in his chair. He moved his papers to leave a corner of his desk for Jonathan to sit on. No one was in the main office; it was a harmless invitation.
“I have to get going...” It sounded like an excuse, a dive for safety. “And I’m sure you have, um, puzzles to do?” Jonathan pretended not to be endeared. He tried, he really did. He failed , but Steve pretended he didn’t notice.
“Don’t want to sit and help me figure out the title of Mozart’s last opera?” He patted the desk, daring to be more direct.
“I really have to go.” Jonathan was genuine, looking at his watch. “The Post only let me out early today because I have to go pick up Will from his doctor’s appointment.”
“Wait.” Steve put the cap back on his pen. “Isn’t Will’s therapy on Wednesday?”
“Yeah, but with Mom’s schedule and the store being all weird-- we had to move it to today. And you know we typically have a family night after-- so he feels okay, you know-- but we can’t . So, that’s why Mike’s coming over. Hopefully they’ll be idiots and tire Will out and he’ll sleep okay.” Tension rose in Jonathan’s voice quickly, explaining his day as if going over a laundry list; never rehearsing it but having it memorized.
“I can stay home if you need time, Jonathan.”
“No, really. I want you to come over.” Jonathan sighed and placed his hand on the emptied spot on Steve’s desk. “Besides, you can’t break tradition after a little over one month , then it was just a weird habit.”
Steve Harrington did not consider his summer fling a w eird habit . If anything, it was the most sensical thing he’d done in a very long time. Even after getting rejected from all his colleges, and never hearing the end of his father’s lectures, 1985 had been very kind to him. And that was mostly due to Jonathan’s inherent nature to be the same.
“I’ll see you after eight.” Steve smiled and reached for his hand-- but averted to grab a piece of memo paper by the phone.
“I’m sorry to leave in a rush.” Jonathan hitched his bag up, checking his watch again. “I just, I really need to get going.”
“Don’t worry. The muffin is more than enough.” Steve said. “And seeing you wasn’t too bad either.”
“Slow day, huh?” Jonathan said. The corner of his mouth quirked with a flattered, embarrassed smile. Steve tried to act nonchalant, like he wasn’t so goddamn relieved to see a familiar and happy face. Especially his familiar and happy face. “Well, good thing I have another surprise for you.”
“You can barely fit your camera in that bag, what could you possibly-- hey!” Steve missed grabbing Jonathan’s arm as he walked away, heading for the front door. “Where are you going?” Jonathan kept walking, checking his watch the whole way. “Hello?”
“Delivered right on time.” Jonathan pushed the front door open to the station-- but was nearly knocked over as a green dash barreled through it.
"Steve! Steve! Steve!” The dash was suddenly grabbing him by the shoulders. “You got the job!”
“Henderson! Oh my god! You’re back!” In an unlikely impulse, Steve grabbed Dustin in a hug, taking advantage of the change of height. “Holy shit, I nearly forgot! First of the month!”
“See you, Steve.” Jonathan walked across the room to the back entrance again. His hand braced the back of Steve’s chair, brushing across his shoulders.
“O-Okay! Yeah, see you!” Steve sputtered, losing his reminded cool in an instant. “Bye.”
Dustin pulled away slowly. “What was that?” It looked like everyone was too smart for Steve.
“Nothing. He brought me a surprise lunch-- which was an obvious decoy to the main event! You! How are you, buddy? How was camp?”
“Oh, it was fantastic. Steve, I have to show you all my inventions! Camp was the best four weeks of my life .” Dustin hopped up onto the corner of his desk. His heels tapped against the empty metal drawers. He was jittery, nearly uncontainable, but still so composed-- if only to be focused all on Steve.
Steve held his hands out, letting him start. “Lay it on me, Henderson! I want to hear everything. I missed you like crazy.”
“Well, first, obviously. I have to tell you about my girlfriend--”
“Whoa! Whoa! Girlfriend ? That fast?” Steve hadn’t been expecting any of his dating advice to work. It had been coming from such a poor and confused part of himself, Steve figured it was destined to fail. Apparently, it was just Steve that was-- when flirting with women at least. “Damn, there’s something in you after all!”
“She’s super smart, Steve. I’ve never met any girl like her. She’s a genius and she’s so pretty. God, I miss her already-- and I just saw her.”
Steve looked over his shoulder. He knew the feeling. “That’s great, man. I mean, I’m super happy for you. Like, that’s crazy . That’s freaking awesome.”
“So what about you? How are the ladies? I mean, you work for the Chief now. All the ladies you could need and more, am I right?”
Steve used to be really good at this part of the lie, but with Dustin it felt cheap. He didn’t need to lie to him, but that was the deal; no matter how much that person was Steve’s best and most beloved friend, their secret was a dead-bolt, vaulted secret.
“Eh, not too great. Only girl my own age I see-- besides Nancy, really-- is the night-shift girl, Robin. But she’s not really-- we’re just friends. She’s alright. Leaves me weird drawings in the memo pad.”
“Ooo, she sounds cool.” Dustin raised his eyebrows. “Do you know her from school?”
“Yeah, we didn’t really run in the same crowds but-- it’s not like that, man. It’s really not.” Steve started unwrapping his lunch. “It’s so not like that with Robin.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I’m not... looking at the moment.”
Steve had originally decided to not go looking for trouble. After he and Nancy split in the beginning of his senior year, he didn’t start looking for an immediate replacement. The illusion of thinking he was in love with Nancy-- capable of being in love with Nancy-- was a hard thing to have come crumbling down. Steve needed time to get his own bearings, to put his feet firmly on the ground, and have them lifted off when his father grabbed him by the lapels and--
Steve hadn’t gone looking for trouble. Hadn’t gone looking for love either. But somehow, both seemed to find him.
Jonathan was late. He usually wasn’t but Will was trying not to be worried. It was a different day than usual and he knew how awful Jonathan’s boss and co-workers were. Will tried not to be worried-- he wasn't. It was just that he had spent an hour talking about the night his father left their family; standing outside the doctor’s office was a bit nerve-wracking. It felt too familiar, even with all the talking and note-scribbling.
Finally, Jonathan’s car pulled into the lot. He was speeding, as much as his car could speed: he knew he was late, which made Will feel a little bit better. No one had forgotten him. It was just traffic or his bosses or maybe just hitting all the red lights. As Jonathan stopped in front of the curb and waved Will in, Will could see he was jittery-- he was upset that he was late. Will felt bad for counting the minutes.
Not that he did it out of impatience or anything. Will just formed the habit after getting his new watch. It matched Mike’s. Completely on accident, of course.
“Hey, buddy! Sorry I’m late. I was-- I had to run an errand really fast. How long were you waiting.” He moved his bag and threw it onto the backseat. Will would’ve held it on his lap.
“I wasn’t keeping track.” Will said, climbing into the passenger seat. Will wanted to ask if his bag had Jonathan’s camera in it. If everything was okay. He didn’t. It seemed like Jonathan had been in his therapy with Will, just as shaken up. “It’s okay. Thanks for getting me.”
Jonathan waited until Will put on his seat belt. “Of course. We’re always here to pick you up. Therapy is important; you have to go.”
Will laughed before he could stop himself. “You sound like Mom.” Why?
“Because she’s right.” Therapy was still kind of weird to Will-- since no one else in his grade had to do it-- but he humored his family. It was helping, if he had to admit it. But it was still embarrassing sometimes.
His therapist, Dr. Bright-- Rose Marie, as she insisted on being called-- was a send-out from the Lab, but disguised within a private practice just outside of town. She was able to listen to Will talk about what he saw and felt during his time with the Mind Flayer without trying to commit him. Almost nothing was off limits. Almost nothing.
Will checked his watch again.
“Are you excited to see Mike tonight?” The question was pointed, but Will wasn’t sure why it made him nervous. “I mean, I feel like I haven’t seen him in a bit.”
“Oh, yeah. He’s always with El.”
Will was sure they weren’t dating. El was just on a year-long stint of self-discovery and, besides Max, Mike was the person she trusted the most to help make as many helpful mistakes as possible. He bought her books to read and new music to try. It was really sweet, seeing Mike take such big strides toward helping their friend. But there was also a part of Will that felt dejected: his sort of help had to be prescribed and couldn’t be replaced with a warm laugh from one Mike Wheeler.
Will was sick while his friends were growing.
“Is there something wrong?” Jonathan used to ask the question like Will was one trembling lip away from crying-- but this time, he asked it like Will had his hand on the door, seconds from jumping out. “Will, are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Will nodded. “I’m fine. Just-- I talked a lot today and I’m tired.”
“Do you want to cancel with Mike--”
“No.” Will had been looking forward to having time with Mike-- just Mike-- for a whole week. He wanted to sit on his floor with his best friend and be a kid again. Just for the night-- maybe draw some of Mike’s old campaigns or sketch out an idea for his own. He just wanted to remember something good about the past four years. After his hour with Dr. Bright, it all felt painful. Like his childhood naivety had been broken and every conversation he overheard in his house dripped with venom and disdain.
Will didn’t like picturing his house that way. It was a place that loved and raised him, a place he felt safe. He didn’t like thinking the conversations he heard being screamed through the walls were trapped in the drywall.
His arms felt heavy and his chest felt like it was made of metal-- he kept tasting it in his mouth. Will leaned back against the seat and reached for the radio. Jonathan turned it down before Will had even changed the station.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I just want to see Mike.” Will said, his mouth too honest and his mind shrouded in guilt. “I just want to see my friend.”
“Okay. Okay.” Jonathan nodded somewhat somberly. “I understand. Let’s go pick him up. He’s at his house right? Not El’s-- o-or The Sinclair’s or anything?”
“No. He’s at his.” Will crossed his arms and tried to find the loose string-- the thing that could uncoil Jonathan’s still-tightening anxiety. “Are you still dating Nancy?”
Jonathan turned to look at Will, nearly crashing the car. That was the wrong string. “What?”
“Nancy? Are you still dating her?”
“I was never dating Nancy.” Jonathan laughed, shaking his head. “I’m not dating Mike’s sister, don’t worry.” The clarification was strange and felt off-topic. Like Jonathan was trying to talk about something else.
“I thought you were. You guys hung out a lot during school.” Will heard her voice through the walls too. Always gentle, never yelling. Except when she was losing at playing cards. Then she shouted.
“She was helping me pass chemistry. That’s all.” Jonathan turned the radio up a little. Will checked his watch. “And then she helped me apply to the Post internship-- she’s great at writing papers, did you know that? A real wordsmith. Is Mike a writer too?”
He was, he really was. Grammatically, Will ran out of red pens trying to help, but creatively? Will envied Mike’s ability. “I don’t know. We don’t really talk about that kind of stuff like you two do… Since you two are dating.”
“We’re not .” Jonathan laughed. Will took advantage of an upcoming stop sign to lean forward and look at his brother’s crimson face. “We’re not, Will, okay? We’re really not. I’d tell you.”
“You’d tell me?”
“Of course! I’d tell you if I… I had a girlfriend. Which I don’t!” He stayed at the stop sign for a bit too long. “Do you?”
There was an option to play dumb, to make Jonathan ask more directly: do you have a girlfriend, Will ? but it sounded far more painful than being honest, than being as lonely as he was.
“No. I don’t.”
“And you’d tell me. If you were dating someone?” Jonathan looked at Will, hopeful but scarcely so. “You’ll tell me if anything big happens in your life?”
“Yeah.” There wouldn’t be anything happening at all that summer, that was for damn sure . “Absolutely.”
Steve had about seventy percent of his puzzle done-- fifty of which was because Dustin was an unstoppable genius with no tolerance for Steve’s careful pace. It was just about quarter past seven, and Steve’s back was getting sore from sitting in his chair all day. He only liked sitting when it was in his car, on his way to the Byers's House, careful, of course, to obey all traffic laws.
Steve was packing his crosswords and pens up in the top drawer of his desk when something clattered the back door open. Steve grabbed a pen and whipped around in his seat, as if to wield it like a weapon.
“Hello? Who’s there?”
“Hey dingus.” Luckily, Steve couldn’t even see Robin yet-- or rather, she couldn’t see him or his emphasized eye roll. She could hear him groan though. “Hey, shut up and quit whining. I’m sending you home early.”
Her head popped out from the hallway. Robin’s ponytail was high on her head, the hair flopping over and getting caught in her stringy bangs. She flung her backpack out from behind her and tossed it toward Steve. She wasn’t in her uniform yet, only wearing the buttoned up shirt-- unbuttoned and showing her torn and dyed shirt underneath. She was wearing jogging shorts, her knees torn up and covered with Band-Aids. They reminded Steve of the ones taped to his face after getting a plate smashed into his forehead. Deceivingly cheerful.
“What are you doing here early?” Steve stood and followed her, holding her backpack awkwardly in his hands. “You’re never early.” Eight on the dot. Every time.
“I figure you want to get out of here tonight.” She didn’t even stop to look at Steve as they walked into the back room. “Probably want to see your boyfriend.”
Her words weren’t sharp, but Steve still recoiled. He let his arms, and her bag, hang by his sides.
“Who? Jonathan?” The only way Jonathan and Robin had ever met was in the hallways of Hawkins High. She definitely never saw them interact at the station-- or on any of their nights together: they were always indoors. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
“First off, I didn't even say a name." Shit. "Second, he came in the other day looking for you.” Robin started buttoning her shirt up, fixing the collar as she finally turned to see Steve. “He was really upset-- didn’t even know what time it was to know you weren’t working.”
“Upset?” Technically, it wasn’t Steve’s problem. It was the deal; they didn’t have to care about each other’s lives. It was just summer. It was just like any other summer.
“Yeah. Crying, sniffling, snot-- the whole nine, man.” Robin sounded extremely sympathetic despite beginning to change her pants. Steve whipped around, covering his face. “You should go see him. Make sure he’s okay. Be a good boyfriend... shithead.”
“He’s not--”
“Steve, I’m the last person you should be arguing with.” Robin laughed-- and it was only momentarily threatening. Until, of course, Steve realized what she meant.
Like all good secrets kept at Hawkins PD, Steve kept his mouth shut and nodded even if she wasn’t looking.
“Yes, sir--ma'am-- Robin.”
“So, are you going to go or what, dingus?” She tapped him on the shoulder. “Get out of here-- and tell me all about it Wednesday.”
Steve blinked at her, holding out her bag. As if it was enough thanks to give her back her own property. “Are we… friends, or something?”
“No, of course not.” She winked, slapping his arm. “Just looking out for one of my own.”
After picking Mike up from his house, they drove home in uncharacteristic chatter. Jonathan was the only one speaking, humming along to the radio. Will was exhausted beyond performative small talk; the type that had to be done between two best friends when a third party was present. Mike was great at just sitting with Will in silence, but Jonathan didn’t know that. Instead, the three of them passed around quiet jokes and laughter, answering questions about their friends for Jonathan’s upkeep of information.
Once they got in the house, Jonathan let them wander off into Will’s room as he started pulling pots out of the kitchen cabinets. He wouldn’t bother or pester them about any summer work, either. They would be left alone in their own coupled silence.
Mike was sitting cross-legged on Will’s floor, twisting one of Will's crayons between his fingers. Will needed new ones but he felt funny asking for them as a near-freshman in high school. He liked the glide of wax on paper compared to the scrape of colored pencils. Well, that and the fact he ruined half of his crayons the year prior making a full map of Hawkins in a fugue state and only had two crayons able to be used normally.
“You had doctor stuff today, right?”
Will was digging under his bed for his emptier sketch book. “Yeah. Therapy. Doctor doctor stuff was two weeks ago.”
“How was it?” Mike let his hand still and rest in his lap. “Like, what do you do in therapy? Just start talking?”
“Yeah, but it’s more than that. You have to think about stuff too. Doctors ask you questions, sometimes.” Will pulled back and drug his old drawing supplies along the carpet. He sat back on his heels and was able to see Mike over the top of the bed. He didn’t know Will was looking. “You have to have answers.”
“What do they ask about?” Mike kept looking at his hands, unaware of Will. “Upside down stuff?”
“Sometimes.” Will shuffled back around to Mike's side of the bed. He could feel the tiniest bit of rug burn starting. “She asked me about my dad today.”
Mike looked up, almost immediately. “Can she do that?”
“Why can’t she?” Will popped the lid on the retired Tupperware, now his art bin. “I talked about it.”
“I thought you didn’t like to.” Will had never said those words which meant Mike had gathered it from just observing him. “Did you… like talking about it?”
“Not really.” Will laughed. He found a few extra crayons, but of all the wrong colors. “She had this big speech afterward about learned helplessness that I… really didn’t like.” Will tried to keep laughing.
Mike put the crayon back in the bin. “Are you okay, Will?”
“Yeah. It’s just… the same old stuff.” Will shrugged. “Sometimes it just bothers me more than other days.”
Mike bit the inside of his cheek, picking at his words carefully. “You never talk about your dad, Will.”
“Why would I?”
“Because it bothers you. You can talk about anything you want-- I… I would listen.”
“You don’t have to listen to it just because it happened to me, you know. My therapist says you don’t have to experience things with me for them to be real.”
“But I want to know.” Mike looked insulted, almost crushed and collapsed as he sat back on his hands. “That’s your dad,” he said. “And you’re my friend.”
They sat in silence for a while. Mike went back to studying a new crayon, picking at the wrapper. Will felt something forming in his throat. A bubble that was hot, thick and sticky. Not vomit, but not impending tears either.
“I don’t get why he left.” Will said. “I don’t know what happened to our family.”
“Nothing happened. Maybe he just… wasn’t good at being your dad anymore.”
“But then why? What did I do?” Will didn’t want to ask Mike, make him feel responsible for answering, but Will was desperate to ask the universe again.
“Nothing.” Mike said. “I just think he…”
“He what? My dad got tired of me? Didn’t want to raise me?”
“Maybe he actually learned how to take a hint and knew he wasn’t good enough for you and Jonathan-- or your mom.” Mike wanted to be hopeful, to be positive, so badly. He ached, his smile tight and weak. He didn't have the answers, and who was Will to put him in the position to come up with them.
“So he gave up.” Will said.
“That’s not what I meant--”
“I know. I know… That’s just how it feels.” Will shrugged. He smiled at Mike, accepting his help and his warmth. It hurt knowing that Mike was wrong, but still. Will could always pretend a little longer. Anything for Mike.
“Hey! You monsters hungry?” Steve clapped his hands together before gently tapping the door. “Jonathan’s got dinner on the table.”
The door was open. Steve didn’t have to knock. He wanted to, just to prove he wasn’t too comfortable, but he also knew Mike was over. And knocking would announce his entrance rather than letting it just be something that just was . Rather than being cool .
Awkwardly and with a lot of weird, throat-clearing fanfare, Steve opened the Byers’s front door and poked his head inside. Jonathan called him in from the kitchen without even needing to say hello, or being surprised by his walking in: In here, Steve! Dinner’s almost done .
Steve walked through the living room carefully, as if he’d disturb it. There was a tape playing softly-- some band Steve’s never heard of, but didn’t hate. He’d grown to like the way that every song played in the Byers house was always moody and melancholy. The music was always the opposite of how he felt stepping into the kitchen.
Jonathan was at the stove, stirring a pot of something that smelled delicious. He had what looked to be tomato sauce stains on the front of his shirt-- where he wrapped his hand up to open the sauce jar. Steve was able to hide his smile as he shouldered off his uniform jacket and toed off his shoes, claiming a chair at the kitchen table.
“How was work?” Jonathan didn’t stop stirring. He moved like the stove was turned all the way up and he was afraid of burning the food. He spoke that way too.
“It was fine. Not a whole lot.” Steve didn’t want to have anything seem bigger than whatever upset Jonathan-- and seemed to still be upsetting him now. “How was your day?”
“Fine. Will and Mike are in the other room.” He was checking things off his list. Steve stepped up to Jonathan and stood even with him at the stove. He was making one-pot pasta. It really did smell fantastic. Steve was so hungry, even after his lunch.
“How was… the other things in your day? Develop any good pictures?” Steve covered how stupid he sounded by placing his hand on Jonathan’s lower back.
Jonathan stopped stirring and looked at him. Steve tried to keep cool, tried not to show his motives-- his attempt to calm something he couldn’t believe he’d missed spinning out of control, even if he didn’t know what it was. “Nancy walked into the dark room today-- she’s actually the one who gave me the muffin-- and she exposed the photos to light too early. So no, actually.”
Steve really was a bad boyfriend. Even when he wasn’t one yet-- or at all.
“Okay… how was. Everything else?”
“You don’t have to ask about my day, Steve. It’s okay.” Jonathan sighed and spoke evenly. “I’m just a little tired. Really. We don’t have to do the whole… thing .”
The whole thing where Steve was explicit about how much he really cared about Jonathan and admitted he was sincerely and terrifyingly in love with Jonathan.
“I was asking because I was curious. Not out of obligation.” Steve clarified. His hand slid to rest on Jonathan’s hip. He moved closer, lips aiming to place a commitment-less kiss on his cheek.
“Steve! I said to keep it cool .” Jonathan ducked back, placing a hand on Steve’s chest. “I don’t want Will to see us.”
“Your brother?” Steve was surprised; of all people Jonathan explicitly wanted to hide from Will seemed kind and forgiving-- not that there was anything to forgive, but it was something Steve often checked for. Steve was sure that one of Dustin’s friends would be… like Steve. Or like Jonathan-- maybe. All of them seemed prepared to deal with any of their friends suddenly being different. Far more prepared than Steve ever was.
“Yes. My brother.” Jonathan snapped, banging the spoon against the edge of the pot. “I don’t want him to learn I’m not dating Nancy but instead seeing her ex-boyfriend in the same day.” he whispered.
“Wait, what? He thinks you’re with Nancy?” Steve wasn’t sure where they went wrong. They were trying to obscure the truth, not lead everyone to a different reality. “D-Do you think Mike does too?”
“I don’t know! I didn’t want to ask and seem weird.” Jonathan sighed again. He sounded tense again. “I told Will I’d tell him if I was seeing anyone… And he promised me the same.”
Steve knew not to press the obvious question-- well are you seeing someone, Jonathan? -- but also didn’t want to touch the obvious implication that Will needed to share a secret with Jonathan. Instead, he placed his hands into his pockets and turned to lean against the counter.
“Dinner smells really good, Byers.” There was another name that began with “B” that Steve wasn’t allowed to use, but always wanted to. Byers Byers Byers. Baby baby baby. “Thank you, again, for cooking for me-- for us.”
“You think I’m going to let you starve?” His stirring slowed; the stove cooled down. He nudged Steve’s arm with the spoon. “You coming home late and trying to cook? You mean half-drinking a beer and falling asleep face down on your bed in your uniform, half unbuttoned.”
“You picture that often, Byers?” Steve lifted an eyebrow. “Hm?”
“Don’t flatter yourself.” Jonathan’s lips quirked into a smile again. “But, if you’d like a beer, I think there’s one in the fridge. No one in the house is going to touch it.”
“I can go ask Will if he wants it.”
“Shut up-- do you want it or not?”
“No.” Steve didn’t like drinking when they were together. He’d never really heard the full story about where Mr. Byers went, but he had a father of his own to make those blank spaces fill pretty fast. “But thanks. Don’t want the habit of needing a beer to forget how boring my job is.”
“I thought you liked your job?” Jonathan took a piece of pasta out of the pot and held it out for Steve to test.
He chewed and answered. “I do! It’s nice to have normal hours-- and I’m happy to help have replacements as Flo gets ready to retire but… I don’t know. Sometimes it feels boring .”
“Would you rather be chasing down a four-legged monster without a face?” Jonathan let out a bubble of genuine laughter, playfully glaring at Steve.
“Frankly, yes! At least we’d all have something to do. I feel like I don’t see everyone anymore.”
“Then throw a party. Don’t wish for anything bad to happen.” Jonathan said firmly. “Let the record show my brother is a very strange magnet for all this… weird shit.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Steve said solemnly. He put his hand on Jonathan’s forearm. “I wish we were all safely doing something exciting. It felt nice to be needed, even if no one knew it was us.”
Jonathan put the spoon down on the counter and pivoted to be looking only at Steve. There was something resting just on the tip of his tongue, just under the surface of their conversation. It would’ve been a digression-- Steve could tell by Jonathan’s tense and furrowed brow-- but he would’ve listened.
“Jonathan?” Steve squeezed his arm, lifting his eyebrows. “What is it?”
“I--” He clenched his jaw, trying to swallow his words. “I think--” Steve knew there was no end to Jonathan’s sentence; merely starting it meant there was trust between them. A careful admission through omission. Steve knew Jonathan was looking at his shoes and wouldn’t be seen as he took in the secret flinches of Jonathan’s face. The crinkle by his left eye, the twitch of his mouth, double blinking--
They both jumped apart as the phone started ringing, practically shaking on the wall. Jonathan stepped away from Steve and left everything unsaid. Again.
Jonathan tucked the phone between his ear and shoulder as he turned to lean against the wall.
“Hello? This is--” His face changed sharply, his eyebrows furrowing. “I told you to stop bothering us. You’re lucky she’s not here to pick up the phone-- I don’t care !” Jonathan cleared his throat and looked at Steve in a flash of uncertainty and anxiety. “I have the police here right now and if you don’t stop calling me I will send them to your house-- it’s not a threat if you’re the one bothering us. Stop. Calling.” He slammed the phone down and braced his weight against the wall with his other hand.
“Am I considered ‘the police’ now?” Steve said lightly. It was his way of letting Jonathan know he was listening, but not asking direct questions. “I’m not even allowed to have a badge.”
“It counts.” Jonathan said, letting his arms fall down by his sides. Steve stepped over and kept stirring dinner.
“Who was that?”
“No one. Can you go get the boys in the other room? Dinner’s ready.” Jonathan pushed Steve aside to hunch over the stove again.
“Sure.” Steve nodded, knowing he wasn’t seen. “Hey! You monsters hungry? Jonathan’s got dinner on the table.”
Dinner felt weird.
Will couldn’t help but feel like he and Mike had gotten into a fight. Talking about his dad made anything feel sticky, feel like it was violent or volatile. A second from snapping or tearing off, bouncing around the walls and echoing in Will's body. A small conversation between friends-- actually a little understanding between best friends-- felt like it had been a screaming match, all because it was cut off. There was no apology from Will. He didn't have the chance to tie it all up with an I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, forget I said anything.
His plea sat heavy on his tongue as he talked to Steve-- who had arrived without notice-- and let Mike make him laugh so hard he nearly shot water out his nose. Will let it all happen under the tremor, the ache, of an apology. And maybe, if he was the best brother and friend he should’ve been, no problems or therapy, it would be enough of an apology.
He wasn't hungry and only ate half his serving of pasta, even though it was usually his favorite of Jonathan's recipes. He did apologize for that though, and it felt right to say aloud. Even if it was misdirected and no one heard it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so so sorry. Please come back--
Mike wasn’t tired, Will knew, but he still wanted to go to bed right after their horror movie ended. It was clear Mike hadn't been paying attention to the movie; the entire plot was that dreams were a new horror-scape for monsters to get teenagers. It wasn't too scary to Will; it just felt familiar. The villain looked different, more human, but Will knew what it felt like to dream while wide awake. To watch and be unable to do anything but scratch at the surface--
Convincing Will to get ready for bed, Mike said they’d have all day in the morning. He said that maybe he could convince his mom to let him stay over again if they don’t get all their fun in. Will knew Mike's mom probably would, if only because she felt bad for Will. But he would take the pity. A sleepover wasn't the worst thing to get from pity.
Will could still hear Mike fidgeting in his sleeping bag. He was rubbing his feet together like a cricket and twisting his wristwatch. The plastic scratched the sheer material of his sleeping bag rhythmically: back and forth. back and forth. backandforthbackandforth. It was like Mike was counting the ticks of his silent digital watch. Will began to play with his own watch, keeping it on in bed only because he'd noticed Mike hadn't removed it when they were brushing their teeth that night; apparently the watch was too good to part with.
Time though, was something Will wished he could separate himself from. He could hear the seconds scraping by now. Every moment he kept his friend awake and bored because Will was too weak or (rather and) too everything to stay up late again.
Therapy hadn’t even been that bad. Not really. Maybe it could be exhausting but it didn’t count because Will sat in the same spot for an hour. It wasn’t real work. It shouldn’t have counted. Will should’ve been able to hang out with his friend until sunrise, getting in trouble with his mom for being up so late. He should’ve still been a stupid, carefree kid, not a by-gone troubled teenager.
Maybe his dad had seen that from the beginning. Will's dad was always gambling, betting on baseball games he had these incredible "feelings" on. Sometimes he was wrong, but when he was right it was an amazing prediction; having the foresight no one else had. And maybe that was what it was, leaving them when he did. Maybe he saw Will wouldn’t be the second son he wanted after all. Maybe he knew of all the damage that would be done to him, the damage he would cause. Probably saw it from miles-- years-- away. And he left without a single warning to any of it.
What if his father had known? Could've known where he was when he came back into town two years ago? Not gone forever just in the lights. Just out of reach, just through the wall, Dad. What if he had known, been able to see, able to know, but wanted to leave Will Down there being possessed and enveloped and consumed and--
Will felt a chill scurry down his back. The feeling almost had legs. Too many. He felt ice cold, his body going blank-- not numb, but blank -- for a second. He couldn’t feel his fingers, but could still feel every inch of his body, suddenly pulsing and seizing.
"Will?" Mike asked, sitting up. He gripped the end of the bed and pulled his face closer to Will's. He squinted in the darkness, feeling for Will’s hand. Will couldn’t answer, his jaw tense and breath rattling out of him. "Will, what’s wrong?"
After a (thankfully) non-awkward dinner, Steve and Jonathan washed all the dishes and let the boys watch whatever movie they wanted. Steve didn’t pay attention to what tape he put in the VRC. He was too busy thinking about the hands hidden in the warm soapy water in the kitchen sink. Neither Mike nor Will seemed too bothered by the disgusting amount of blood or the scary blade man on the TV. He felt no regret letting them go to bed right after the credits rolled. Jonathan had looked exhausted after putting the last dish away, and dozed off during the climax of the movie-- even slept through the high-pitched screaming.
They waited for the sound of Will’s door closing over before they got into bed.
Jonathan flopped onto his back, a pillow resting between his chest and crossed arms. Steve laid on his side, bracing his weight on his elbow. He poked at Jonathan's furrowed eyebrow lightly.
"What's the problem, Byers?"
"Nothing."
"You are not a really great liar, you do know that right?" That and Steve could still hear Robin's blasé recounting of Jonathan's distress. Yeah. Crying, sniffling, snot-- the whole nine, man.
Jonathan sighed and turned to look at Steve. He hated being called out. "It's about Will."
"What's wrong with Will? He seemed alright at dinner."
"Yeah, but," Another sigh. "Steve, I think my brother’s gay."
Steve's first response was swallowed and he nodded. "Okay. Okay. And, um, what's the issue with that?" He adjusted himself on the bed, hoping there was more subtlety in that.
"I can't talk to him about it. I mean," Jonathan smiled and reached to touch his face. "This is a very different thing than being fourteen and confused."
"Who says he's confused?"
"I don't mean with himself-- the rest of the world is so confusing, Steve. You see the news... I can't talk to him. I didn't grow up like that. And being with you is... Different. We dated girls before. Will... I don't know. I think he knows already."
"You think he's got feelings for--"
"Oh absolutely." Jonathan nodded, closing his eyes. "Oh, I'm so glad it's not just me who sees it."
"Hopefully Wheeler does too."
"Hey, keep your voice down, he's only a few rooms over ."
"Sorry. Sorry. Me and my big mouth " Steve rested his head on Jonathan's shoulder. "Shut me up, maybe."
"Not until my mom gets back." Jonathan said, rolling up onto his side too. "If I catch her when she comes in the door, she won't come into my room to say good night. I can't have you distracting me until then."
"Your mom is on a date. She's an adult and so are you." Steve kissed Jonathan's shoulder. "You are a working man who just finished a long day at work-- I think you can cuddle up with your boyf--" Steve choked on his own stupidity, feeling his face go red and charisma die on impact. "With me."
"I will. Once my mom is back." Jonathan kissed Steve, as if a parting promise. Only to backtrack on his words immediately. He tucked Steve’s hair back behind his ear, his hands trying not to hold his face. “No-- no . Steve, not until my mom gets back.”
“I can keep an ear out--” As Steve spoke, the power in his bedside lamp dimmed. The power hummed quietly before flickering back up. Jonathan tensed and pushed himself up in bed.
“Did you see that?”
“Yeah, it was just the light, Byers. It’s windy out tonight, maybe a tree brushed a powerline.” Steve pushed Jonathan back down to his pillow-- and back into his own skin again. “It’s nothing . What if I turn out the light? Your mom won’t even see us in here.”
“No. No, I have to wait for her.”
“What if she doesn’t come back?”
“What!” Jonathan jerked upright again.
“I meant what if she’s at Hopper’s or something?” Steve shrugged. “She’s an adult.”
“Steve, that’s my mom .” Jonathan hissed, swatting at the hand resting on his shoulder.
“I meant because she drove there on her own. If she had some wine, maybe she stayed somewhere and is being a smart, responsible parent.” Steve soothed. “Something you don’t have to be right now. You’re not Will’s parent and you aren’t your own. Lay down, will you?”
Jonathan was reluctant, but let Steve ease him back down again. He pulled the pillow tighter to his chest and sighed, his crossed arms sinking deeper. Steve laid down beside him, nose gently touching the end of his shoulder. As he breathed, his short exhales tickled Jonathan’s skin and got him giggling. It was Steve’s secret trick; something that always worked because Jonathan didn’t know it was a pattern-- didn’t know he was ticklish.
“Sorry I was weird today.” Jonathan said suddenly. He wasn’t even grinning.
“What?” They didn’t apologize. There was no need. “You’re worried about stuff-- it’s okay.”
“No, I like our dinners. And I was so uptight. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
“Okay.” Steve didn’t know what to do with the sentiment. “Apology accepted?”
Jonathan sighed again, blowing it out slowly between his pressed lips. “Lonnie called today.”
“L- your dad ? Is that who was on the phone?” Steve wasn’t sure what came over him-- or his body-- as he placed an arm over Jonathan’s waist and pulled them together. There was something unspokenly intimate talking about abusive fathers while being nearly sutured together in bed, but Steve pretended he was just having problems hearing Jonathan correctly.
“Yeah.” Jonathan turned, his nose brushing Steve’s. “Said he wants custody of Will. He doesn’t trust Mom, he said.”
“How is he-- He can’t do that.”
“He’s going to try. I don't know where it came from. He still thinks he can win a case because the news says Will just disappeared into the woods . Like he ran away from us or something.”
“Everyone knows that’s not true.”
“A court might not.” Jonathan sighed, ducking his head down. Steve resisted lifting his chin to hook it over Jonathan’s head, nestling him into his neck. He laid still, listening to his breathing and the gentle creaking of the house--
Jonathan's door was thrown open, both men sitting up quickly, ready to defend themselves and their actions. It was Mike, in his pajamas with his hair sticking out in wild curls. Will stood just behind him in the hallway looking far more awake. Stilted and untousled.
"Mike?"
"Jonathan, quick!"
"What is it?" Jonathan swung his legs around and motioned both boys to come in. "Will?" Mike pushed him into the center of the door frame, although he remained in the hallway, in the light. Will’s hand grabbed at the back of his neck. His face was blank and his eyes were distant.
"Something's wrong." Will said slowly, blinking to focus. "I feel him."
"Feel who?" Jonathan kneeled in front of Will, holding his shoulders. "Feel who, Will?"
"Dad."
#stonathan#jonathan byers x steve harrington#byeler#will byers x mike wheeler#byler#finally reposting in a way that isn't a random post with a link alksdja#prompts#my fics
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Memories, Pt. III
Summary: You were captured by Hydra. What did they do to your memories?
Warnings: mentions of violence, panic attacks, torture
Word Count: 1968
a/n: Part 3!! Honestly, I feel like this series could've been a one shot, but I wasn't feeling inspired to write the whole thing at once and I knew I would finish it if I posted part of it because I would stress about people wanting the next part 🙃
Masterlist
Series Masterlist
3 Years Ago
Bucky could only be described as a ball of nerves when you walked into the room. It felt like his brain shut off.
He had spent the last thirty minutes practicing what he was going to say to you when you arrived for your weekly movie night. Basically, it boiled down to six simple words: I'm falling in love with you.
Despite Steve, and a slightly out of character Sam, ensuring him that you felt the same, he was still skeptical. Why would you choose him when you could get any guy, or girl for that matter?
As he nervously stared at you, he could see your lips moving, but no sound could be registered above his own internal panic.
He didn't fully comprehend you had even said anything until he registered the panic on your face. Suddenly, his own thoughts disappeared.
"Oh no. No, no, no. I'm so sorry. You obviously don't feel the same. I'm just gonna go! I'll, uh, I'll see you later." You tried running out of the room, but Bucky was too quick.
"Huh? I don't feel what?" He was completely stunned that he had gotten so worked up in his own nerves that he missed what you said. He was supposed to be trained in observing people. He should be able to multitask, especially when one task is completely within his own mind.
"Bucky, really it's okay. I'll be fine. We'll be fine! I just, I need a minute... or a few to-"
"Y/N, doll, I'm so sorry." He sputtered as tears pooled in your eyes. What the hell did he miss? "I didn't hear a word you said."
"You... what? Why not?" The tears continued to pool as you did your best to hold them back for when you were alone in your room.
Bucky took a deep breath before he began talking faster than you'd ever heard him speak before.
"I'm falling in love with you." You honestly stopped breathing for a minute. "I was trying to think of how to tell you. That's why I didn't hear you. Steve convinced me that I should tell you. Sam a little bit too honestly. They kept saying it wasn't healthy to keep it all bottled up. And, I mean, I just-"
You cut him off, pressing your lips to his eagerly. The kiss was all teeth and tongue, soft smiles growing into wholeheartedly happy grins.
"You're an idiot." You chuckled, pressing your forehead to his. "That's what I said when you so graciously ignored me."
"I- You what?" Bucky's jaw dropped.
"I'm falling in love with you too."
-
Present
Waking up in Bucky's arms felt right. There was no other way to put it. His presence had a soothing effect unparalleled by anything you had ever felt before.
His face was relaxed, a slight smile pulling on his lips. You brushed his hair out of his face, slowly rubbing your thumb along his cheek and down his jaw.
A familiar ball of guilt grew in your stomach as you cuddled closer to his body. It may have only been two days since you woke up, but this group of heroes quickly found a place in your heart, almost like they'd been there all along. Lying to them about your past was gnawing on your heart, slowly breaking down your resolve.
You carefully removed yourself from his embrace, softly closing the door to your bedroom as you left. You knew he would want to talk about last night, and you just weren't ready for that. Not yet.
You wandered the halls until, three dead ends later, you eventually made it to the kitchen. Much to your relief, the common area was empty. You had just enough time to calm your internal panic about what food you could eat when Natasha walked in.
"I'm about to make a smoothie, want one?" She offered, much to your delight.
"Yeah, that'd be great. Thank you." The level of sincerity of your words caught her mildly off guard, not that you or anyone would have been able to tell.
"So, how are you feeling?" She questioned lightly, hiding her skepticism at your odd behavior. Call her a pessimist, but 3 months with Hydra and you're relatively fine? It doesn't quite add up.
"Oh, um, okay I guess. I feel like my brain is all jumbled." You settled for half truths again, knowing she would easily spot a total lie.
"Right, well that's to be expected after a few months with Hydra. You said they kept you in that room the whole time?" She kept her tone light, trying to empathize with everything you went through.
"Um, yeah... I-" You grabbed your head as memories flashed through your mind. You were in a room, it looked like a lab but it was dark and grimy. People surrounded you, but you couldn't understand what they were saying.
They poked and prodded at you, forcing you to lay down as they strapped you into a metal chair.
"Y/N? Are you okay?" She rushed to you, smoothie forgotten in the blender as you screamed, remembering the pain you felt in that chair. You didn't even realize you were muttering under your breath.
Her voice drew you back to the present. You abruptly stood up, backing into a corner as you glanced around the room.
Slowly, the past two days came back to you. Flashes of memories, old and new mixed together in your head, all out of order.
You were in the Avengers compound.
Your were buried in rubble, people screaming and crying surrounded you.
They thought you were one of them.
You were being arrested, locked in the room where Bucky found you.
They didn't know the truth.
"Y/N?" Nat questioned again, slowly moving toward you.
"I'm fine. I, uh, I'm okay." You took deep breaths, slowly calming all your nerves.
"What happened?" She pulled you out of the corner, leading you back to the island for your smoothie.
"I, um, I was back there." You stuttered, trying to make sense of the image. "But, it was different. A different room." You were too shaken to think about what could happen from sharing this new development.
"A different room? What did it look like?" Nat was eager to hear more. If you didn't remember everything from your three months there, maybe they did something to you, and that's why you've been acting weird.
"It looked, it looked like a basement. It was dark and grimy." You left out the part about the lab equipment. "I, um, I think I'm gonna go on a walk. Just to clear my head a little bit."
You left before she could respond, smoothie untouched on the counter.
-
When you returned from the walk, you could hear Nat talking to Steve and Wanda in the kitchen.
"I'm telling you, they must have done something to her. She's not acting right." Nat was firm, steadfast in her belief that Hydra wouldn't have kept you there without trying something.
You're heart rate spiked at her words, nervousness overcoming your body. They were going to figure it out.
"Nat, she just came back from three months of torture. Of course she's gonna act a bit different. She needs time to adjust back to her regular life." Wanda replied, figuring Nat was just a little too paranoid.
"You didn't see her in the kitchen! Wan, she freaked out. She looked terrified. She was muttering something about experiments. What if they messed with her head?" Nat rebuked, still trying to convince them.
"I mean, I guess it's possible?" Steve stated, clearly unconvinced but open to the idea. "She hasn't been acting that off though, not when you take into account what Wanda said."
"Steve, she hasn't told Bucky she loves him. That would've been the first thing out of her mouth if she was herself." Nat settled him with a glare, knowing her point was made.
You panicked. If they figured out you weren't who they thought you were, what would they do to you? Before you registered your own movements, you were running.
You made a break for the elevator, twisting and turning through the halls in what you hoped was the right direction.
Just as you turned the last corner, you ran right into something- no someone.
"Where's the fi-" Tony started to joke, but after taking in your expression stopped mid-sentence. "Whoa, what's wrong?"
"Nothing!" You replied far too quickly, trying to squeeze past him.
"Y/N, wait." He grabbed your arm, preventing you from getting away. "Talk to me, kid. What's going on up there?" He gestured to your head.
"Really, it's nothing." You wiped a tear from your face, knowing it wasn't helping your case. "I have to go."
"Nope. I'm not gonna let you bottle this all up. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong. Come on." He pulled you into the elevator, leading you to the lab.
Once he had you sat on the window seat in the back, he asked again. "Tell me what's got you this upset. You know we're all here for you, right?"
You couldn't take it anymore. They were all being so nice, and you were lying right to their faces.
"I'm not who you think I am." You barely whispered the words, overcome with a mixture of guilt and self pity. "I don't belong here." You refused to make eye contact until Tony lifted your head to meet his eye.
"Y/N, you probably belong here more than anyone else, except maybe Steve, but he doesn't count." He tried to lighten the mood, earning an attempt at a small smile from you.
"I really don't. I'm not a hero. I'm a murderer." You cried as you finally admitted the truth. The relief you felt was instantly weighed down by fear at what would happen next.
"What are you talking about?" Tony was clearly confused by your admission. "Y/N, your not a murderer."
"I'm not an Avenger." You moved your hands to cover your face, knowing you weren't strong enough to admit this to his face. "I wasn't in that room for three months, it was three years!" You missed the way his brow furrowed deeper in confusion as you continued to rant. "i don't know why you all think I'm some hero. Nobody was supposed to rescue me. I was in prison. I'm a killer."
You took a shaky breath, as you kept going. "I was in that room because I made a bomb that killed 38 people. I- It was accident, I swear! I didn't mean to hurt anyone... I- I think?" You started questioning yourself as memories flickered through your head.
"It's all fuzzy." You desperately shook your head, trying to make everything clear.
"It wasn't supposed to blow up! It was supposed to absorb energy and convert it into power, but it didn't work." You were nearly sobbing, picturing the people you injured and killed. "It exploded and people died! It was all my fault."
Your breathing quickened again, anxiety at admitting what you had done mixed with the guilt of lying to the only people who have ever shown you kindness causing the panic to set in again.
"Hey, hey! Look at me. You're okay. We're gonna fix this. You're not a killer, Y/N." Tony held your face in his hands, speaking firmly but not without compassion.
"Yes, I am!" You shouted at him, causing him to stumble backwards. "I don't know why you all think I'm someone I'm not, but it's true. I don't-" Your breath caught in your throat as you tried to get the words out.
You managed a mumbled, "I don't belong here." Before you passed out.
Permanent taglist:
@averyhotchner @jesuswasnotawhiteman
Memories tagist:
@otherglowcloud @dontxfearxthereaper
#Bucky Barnes x reader#bucky x reader#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky x y/n#bucky barnes x you#bucky x you#marvel fic#marvel#mcu#Bucky Barnes#Bucky Barnes fluff#bucky barnes angst
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Are there any AUs where renison or lailalverez is the main pairing?
there are quite a few but here you go
-maz
renison:
Before All I Heard Was Silence by moonqueerdom (T | 7,430 | 1/1)
Allison's eyes widened and her face burned immediately, spreading to her neck and the tips of her ears. "Oh my gosh, Renee," she lowered her face and covered it with her hands.
Renee chuckled. "She is beautiful when she blushes, ok noted."
"Oh my gosh, Walker, stop that," Allison's voice was too wobbly and high-pitched even for her own ears, and there was a grin threatening to pop on her lips.
~
About to disappear in the afterlife, Allison Reynolds meets Renee Walker, who was ready to change her life even after death.
Last Café by uberimmortal (M | 4,802 | 1/1)
Like every weekend for the past year, Renee finds herself on a Saturday morning in front of the Last Cafe. She takes a deep breath, key still in her hand, shivering from the autumn breeze as she tries to muster up some energy to open the door. The sun is just beginning to poke over the horizon, lighting up the city in a blue haze, not close enough to this side of the earth to provide any real warmth. One by one street lamps flicker until they turn off completely.
The Gracekeepers by wishbonetea (M | 112,116 | 20/20)
The sea has flooded the earth. Allison lives on a circus boat, floating between the scattered islands that remain and trading dazzling and death-defying feats for food from the islanders. Renee lives alone in a lighthouse in the middle of the ocean, with only the birds and fish for company. As penance for her past, she works as a gracekeeper, tending the graves of those who die at sea. A storm brings them together, but under clear skies they must part. When one of the Foxes goes missing, Renee joins to help. It’s meant to be a temporary escape, but Allison might be a reason to stay.
⁂
An AU of Kirsty Logan's The Gracekeepers.
she's got lips like wine not sugar by IzzyAguecheek (Not Rated | 8,561 | 1/1)
The coffee shop was mostly empty the first time Allison came in. It was too early for most people, specially on a Sunday, when most people didn’t have work and therefore didn’t need to stop by to grab a coffee to wake up. Allison, however, didn’t strike Renee as the type of girl to drink coffee before a shift at some boring company. She looked more like someone who had stayed up all night and now was trying to fight off a hangover with caffeine.
Dan was late, per usual, so Renee and Andrew were the only employees working. Andrew took one look at the car parked outside, right in front of the window, and firmly turned his back on the girl sitting at the corner booth.
“You take that one”, he decided.
(or: Renee works at a coffee shop, and, when Allison becomes a regular there, she is absolutely in love. It's just a Renison Coffee Shop AU.)
counting my blessings by quensty (T | 10,354 | 1/1)
The last letter is from Wymack.
Allison, it says. Forest Falls, California, has been having problems with a robber. Dan and Matt are too far, and Neil and Andrew are already working a job in Nevada. Get on it. -DW
“Motherfucker,” Allison says.
Real Gravity by loose_canon (T | 1,723 | 1/1)
RECORDED 04:08, PILGRIMAGE YEAR 1584 DAY 29
[begin message]
Hey, Mom. You’re probably watching this and thinking about how much you want to kick my ass right now. Well, my butt, because you don’t say words like “ass,” much less think them. Anyway, I know you’re mad at me. I’m the ungrateful daughter who hijacked an emergency pod and zipped off into space in the middle of the eclipse service like a dumbass—sorry, dumbbutt—with another girl because I just had to go and open myself to the spirit of lesbianism. I’m not gonna lie, I’m mad just like you are. Part of me wants to just say that the spirit is a good fucking time and be on my way. But I need you need to know that I’m losing something, too.
A sci-fi one shot: Allison leaves a final message for her mother after she and Renee escape the generation ship they grew up on.
On Dragon's Wings (Under the Blue) by tinystreetlamp (T | 8,417 | 3/3)
For hundreds of years the six kingdoms coexisted in peace due to a magical contract that prevents violence between them. Ever since Allison's brother Jean was kidnapped by Riko she has wanted to lead her armies to war against the Island of Night, but the contract prevents her from doing so. When crown prince Nathaniel arrives and asks for sanctuary, Allison sees her chance to unite four of the kingdoms against Riko and rain down her vengeance upon him.
(How to seduce a pirate: drag her underwater unexpectedly)
/Graphic Depictions of Violence
vengeance and death by cthulu_sun (M | 2,446 | 1/1)
legend says you have wax-dipped wings and golden fingernails and knives made of the blood you have spilled. legend says you are not merciful.
-
in which renee is a tired guardian angel, finds the foxes, and falls in love.
a hundred jewels on throats by ghvsts (T | 3,226 | 1/1)
"have you seen the goddess from the seafoam," they whisper, "she is more beautiful than anything."
(in which seth is ares, renee is persephone, and allison has had enough)
fabrication of a grand scheme by cloudghost (T | 13,787 | 1/1)
Renee was silent for a while. Then, finally, she said, “I want to try going outside.”
“I thought you were scared.”
She hummed her assent. “That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it.”
Since that was basically the philosophy Allison lived by, she nodded. Renee turned back around and met Allison’s gaze. In that moment, Renee looked unbreakable and unshakeable, like nothing that ended up in her way could ever stop her for long. Allison shivered.
Love You a Latte by ceilingfan5 (G | 8,465 | 1/1)
Allison's favorite barista is adorable Renee, so when she gets the news that she has to go on a terrible family vacation and bring an "appropriate plus-one", she decides to finally get herself uninvited from the rest of those events for all eternity. She and Renee go together, pretending to be a very much in love couple, stir shit up, and leave a lot closer than they ever expected. (Obviously they fall in love.) Allison may say "I decided love was fake a long time ago and it’d take a miracle to change my mind now,” but if anyone can be a miracle worker, it's Renee.
say you'll never harden to the world by orphan_account (T | 10,300 | 1/1)
Of course it’s when the knife finally doesn’t feel awkward in her hand anymore that Allison shows up.
Instead of the relaxed way she usually holds her wings, they’re pulled taut behind her back. Her arms are crossed in front of her chest and there’s a decidedly not pleased look on her face.
“Hey,” Natalie says, not interrupting the sequence of stabbing moves she’s been practicing. She has no time for the way seeing Allison makes her feel.
Safe – a joke. Not alone – Allison might not even be real. Cared about – impossible.
Those kinds of emotions aren’t meant for someone like her in the first place, and she’s not going to indulge them.
give me shelter or show me heart by hondayota (Not Rated | 4,720 | 3/3)
Renee had always thought of hope as a feeling, something she scraped out of her insides when she had nothing else to hold onto, but over the past months, hope had ceased to be a feeling and had become synonymous with Allison Reynolds.
or
the renison zombie au no one asked for
or
renee and allison are hella gay even when there's zombies
laila/alvarez:
It's Called Fashion Hunty. Look it up. by theKristastrophe (T | 15,440 | 8/8)
Sara works for a company that she doesn't hate but doesn't love either. So she sits at the bar with her two other best friends and tries to get through the work week.
When a fresh lawyer stumbles into thier weekly Rant Club, Sara knows she's in for a wild ride.
Featuring gratious eyerolling, snark, and everyone's favorite Foxes.
Buckle up kiddies. It's time to Sashay, Sashay, Sashay...
Come Close by tinystreetlamp (T | 10,932 | 1/1)
Sometime around 200 BC in Ancient Greece, in a world where the greek gods are real, Laila is a warrior from Sparta. During her first visit to Athens she meets not only Jeremy of Troy but also falls head over heels in love with Sara, a daughter of Apollo and local poet. But Sara is cursed, and soon the three cross the Mediterranean on a quest to break the curse and save Sara.
Sara means Sun by tinystreetlamp (M | 27,739 | 8/8)
Five years ago, ships with black and red sails appeared on the horizon and wiped out all of the royal family - except one. The Raven King conquered Coralia and is doing everything he can to stay in power. Jeremy of Troia, the rightful heir to his kingdom, has been in hiding for the past five years, but he found something worth fighting for.
Laila, an Elven Warrior and Jeremy's best friend, will do anything to protect him. Meeting a cute stranger isn't going to change that.
/Graphic Depictions of Violence, Major Character Death
#aftgfl ask#mrating#teen#notrated#general#oneshot#complete#theme:complete#under10k#10to20k#20to30k#100k+#renison#laila/alvarez#theme:au#au#coffeeshop#fluff#noexy#pining#selfharm#torture#drinking#apocalypse#slowburn#friends2lovers#homophobia#fantasy#fakedating#fallinginlove
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so i’m playin love island again bc of the new scenes added and during operation nope i always witch between talking Hope and saying nothing depending on the type of route i’m doing and this time i told her and Priya was upset but I didn’t feel bad ? like what Priya did was snakey and she had just coupled up with Rahim not even a few hours ago ? I like Priya bc i feel like she has a victim mentality, comparing the situation that happened in operation nope to highschool. Nobody forced her to do operation nope and I wished she hadn’t used the operation as a guide to hide the fact she actually likes Noah.. I’m sorry for my rant about Priya, but I’ve noticed that Priya is very one dimensional... like i like her but i don’t even think we connected with her ??
i absolutely agree with you!
i’ve said this before, and i’ll say it again. her goodbye scene didn’t exist because the character wasn’t emotionally connected to our mc’s. we got attached to her because she’s funny, gorgeous, blunt and glamourous!
but in reality, once you play and start noticing the lack of chats we have with all of them, you realize priya was made to leave the villa, and not be a surviving og girl.
she says “i’ll miss our chats” and even though it’s canon, we never had those ??
we were robbed of precious moments, and in true, priya was never a good friend. we were always mediating whatever issues the others had with her, but not once did she ask how we were doing, or the chat was about us, exclusively.
“but vena, what about the chat about lucas and henrik?” that happens with the girl you have higher heart score with, so it’s not exclusive. in retrospective, she was quite selfish towards us, and it took me some time to realize, but i did.
i also like her, and i agree with you. there’s no connection there.
i believe most people prefer her over hope, because the weekly episodes truly made hope the villain on some of the routes. lucas’ and noah’s were the toughest at the time, and i too wanted priya to stay, over hope.
#litg priya#litg hope#litg#litg s2#litg season 2#love island the game#love island the game season 2#fusebox#fusebox games#queue
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To Date Itaru Chigasaki
Request: “insert here”
A/N: I had to split the request in 2 posts!! due to formatting 🙇♀️ so sorry!!
- You two met at a gaming shop!
- You were looking for a gift for your best friend’s younger sister, as much as you liked games yourself- buying one for a 12 year old was another story.
- You were freaking out- you had been in the store for almost an hour searching and nothing would come up.
- You were afraid of not getting a gift at all- that is until you felt a tap from a man in a suit.
- “You look like you’re ten seconds away from crying,” Itaru looked at you, “Need some help?”
- He didn’t know why he’d helped you, you were kind of cute and, unlike with other things, he was a bit more open to helping others when it came to video games.
- “Please,” you turned around, “I need a game for a 12 year old but I just don’t know! I-I don’t want her to think I think she’s a child but she can’t play anything too… you know, grown up or else her parents will kick my ass.” You whine, maybe if things had gone better you’d be embarrassed but embarrassment is simply something you cannot feel right now, you’re against the clock and you’re tired.
- “Hmm, a 12 year old girl… thought about Puppy Crossing?”
- And that’s how you spent the next 30 minutes, discussing a game for the kid with a 20-something year old blue collar.
- By the end you had bought the gift plus a recommendation Itaru had given you based on your short, but surprisingly sweet, interaction.
- The second time you met was, again, at the store but this time it was for you instead of a kid. Thankfully.
- He was wearing another suit, you guessed he really was an office worker; what was he doing here though? What business would guy with such a high paying job, you assumed by his suit and clothes, have in such a small game store in the middle of a gaming street.
- You shrugged it off before returning to browsing, you really shouldn’t judge.
- After a few minutes he noticed you and approached you asking about the game he’d recommended for the girl last time. After gladly informing him about the success the gift had- both of you quickly began talking about the game he’d recommended you.
- After that you two began meeting up in the shop- not on purpose or anything, it just kind of happened.
- In most situations he might’ve been annoyed but for some reason he couldn’t really bring himself to be mad. He enjoyed being able to shamelessly talk about games, online and competitive, pay to win or free to play, with a cute person who didn’t judge him.
- It became a weekly occurrence and you really enjoyed it. Eventually he asked you out on a date, it’d be in an internet cafe near the store, and you said yes.
- You were looking forward to being able to know him better, not in a store or just as friends but maybe… as a possible s/o? You slap your cheeks at the thought, silly [Name], that wouldn’t happen... right?
- That is until he called in sick stating he had grown ill with the flu and you were worried, he sounded like he was in hell based on the phone call. He was coughing, his voice sounded muffled, he kept sneezing too, you were surprised he could even dial with how bad he sounded.
- When you tried to call him his number went straight to voicemail so you did what anyone would do;
- You called in to his home number (which he had given you when he gave you his business card, yes he gave you his business card instead of giving you his phone number like a normal person).
- “Hello, Izumi Tachibana speaking.” Your heart kind of stops when you hear a woman’s voice and you wonder if maybe you’d been a side piece, but thinking back to Itaru and how he acted with you - you doubted it.
- “Izumi? Ah, eh… is a Itaru Chigasaki there?”
- “Itaru? Yes, I can give him a message, who’s calling?”
- “Ah, tell him it’s [Name] from the store, I was just worried about him…”
- “[Name], huh? Wait, you mean you’re [Name] [Last Name]?”
- “Ehh… yes?”
- Turns out Itaru had told his roommate maybe wife maybe kid(?) about you?
- You didn’t know he had roommates, he looked well off so why couldn’t he afford a house? Maybe she was a girlfriend and they were in a open relationship? So many questions…
- You thought you wouldn’t really mind but it turns out your cheeks were now bright red when Izumi explained how Itaru had been talking about you often and promptly invited you to check up on Itaru, who was in fact ill. She also gave you a rundown of the situation, turns out he was part of some acting company and she was the director, so with a lighter heart you decided to take her up on going over to check on him.
- Big mistake.
- You were going to stop by after work, you decided, you’d also go and buy him some soup for his stomach just in case. You arrived at the house and welcomed inside by a smiling Tachibana and a strange bird before you were given a rundown of some rules.
- “Knock first, always knock first. If you hear anything between a grunt or a yes you’re in the clear, if you hear anything like a groan or a curse wait before knocking again. If you happen to hear something falling over or a scream I’ll text you when it’s safe for you to come over again. You seem like a nice person, so please don’t forget any of the rules! Now- go!”
- She quickly pushed you in front of the door and knocked for you before bolting behind the stairs, you received a quick thumbs up before she hid again.
- You were now alone in a dorm room looking for a grown man who had called in sick to a date with you, this wasn’t exactly how you thought your friday evening was going to go. You knock the door and put your ear next to the wood… no grunt, had Izumi explained what a no-grunt meant?
- You look at her general direction where she looks confused but encourages you to go in, so you shrug it off before turning the handle around - you end up falling over when the door is opened by the man of the hour himself.
- “Oi, Izumi- now that this match is over you can come in with the-! Ah… [Name], this is… embarrassing,” Itaru had turned around ready to scold Izumi when instead he came to see you.
- He looked like shit- he really did, not only because he was sick but because his room was a mess. You knew he liked gaming but this… this was too extreme, was this what they called a gap moe?
- “What the hell…?”
- He invites you in quickly- shoving chips and cans left and right before sitting you down on a couch.
- “What are you doing here- ACHOO!”
- You explained how worried you were about him- how he didn’t answer your calls and so you came to visit with soup (you felt the need to highlight the soup).
- He thanked you for the thought before looking around the room awkwardly remarking it’d be best you left- the flu was contagious after all.
- It was an awkward reaction, even for him- something Izumi doesn’t fail to note once you leave, unlike when anyone else would come in; Itaru couldn’t find it in himself to scold you or threaten you with an immediate and painful death.
- You leave the room quickly and wave goodbye- but not before he slips you a note with a bunch of numbers scribbled on.
- When you arrive home that night you finally realise what it said; it was his friend code.
- And that’s how your first date was on a island in ACNH he made for the date. And that’s how he asked you out too.
- Fucking nerd.
- You were crafting some furniture for your island (which he had happily helped you plan out) when he asks you out via chat.
- Your response? You used the shocked and glad reactions, the only valid reaction.
- Dating him includes video game dates; any server based game multiplayer is used to seeing you two doing some cringe couple shit.
- You will have to bathe him, he can go days without taking a bath so get ready to shove him in a tub.
- He’s not very good at being a boyfriend sometimes, he struggles in the emotional aspect. He’ll base himself a lot in dating sims, like it’s kind of cute but it can be scary if he uses the wrong dating sim.
- Will kabedon you for 2 reasons and 2 reasons only; one, he genuinely wants to know if it works like ??? does it really make people swoon is it really that cool ?? and two, it’s been a life long dream of his let him have this.
- Itaru can be both mature and kind of childish, you’ll have to stomach a lot of tantrums when you get in the way of gaming. But he’s also not a kid, he can be surprisingly mature when he wants to.
- He takes the relationship very seriously, most of the time; he genuinely likes you and he tries to leave gaming but he struggles.
- So, you decide to combine two things; you + games. You’ll go visit him often and play games together on his couch.
- He’s so fucking happy when you do that, it’s cute. He doesn’t mind you using his clothes but do not touch his yellow-tiger bomber jacket he only uses when gaming. Do not.
- Itaru will let you play with his hair while he plays games, he lets you use butterfly clips and shit too.
- Just don’t expect him to go out like that he’ll fucking riot.
- “Banri will freak out-“ “Omi bring the camera Itaru has fucking butterfly-clips on, Taichi film this shit- he’s wearing clips! And they’re buttefly ones, funniest shit I’ve seen!”
- Banri 100% teases the fuck out of him when it comes to you but Itaru will come back with some cheesy shit to make him uncomfortable.
- “It’s not my fault we two fell in love-“
- “I swear to fucking god if you go on another rant I’ll destroy you and your whole blood line with my pinky.”
- The dorm is kind of surprised how much more social Itaru can be with you- they’re so used to seeing him shut himself in with games, but now that you two are together he comes out more often to spend time with you.
- He can be kind of cold and emotionally distant but after awhile you learn that that’s just how Itaru works. He’s kind of aloof and awkward and he can come off as rude sometimes? He just be like that you know.
- That both the shut-in gamer and businessman are the same guy and that you… l*ve him for it.
- Play games with him please- just do it.
#—🎀 a3!#a3#a3!#act addict actors#a3 itaru#itaru chigasaki#itaru chigasaki x reader#itaru x reader#—✒️ sora’s scripts#—💌 mysterious messenger!#—📨 request
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Why Celebrities Are Worth More Than You
Before I dive (copy that? Because this post is gonna be so deep? Edit: I’ll take Jesus and one litre of bleach, thank you) into this storm of revelations, ANNOUNCEMENT!!! This is the first post in a series where I go all in on a particular topic and dig up hidden nuggets of wisdom from it. In other words, I rant. Hard.
Why am I blessing you with this goodness?
This entire series boils down to improving your mindset. You’ve probably heard the legend that in the Solomon Islands, villagers practiced an, ahem, unique form of logging. If a tree was too large to be felled with an ax, the natives withered down the tree by cursing it for weeks. That’s the idea behind this series: repetition. The PRIMARY reason why I win a lot, is because I am a perennial liar and I won't take a no for my dreams. If I want to have ‘x’ trait, I’ll lie and say I have ‘x’ trait till I do have ‘x’ trait.
This is also known as the Reality Distortion Field, popularised by Steve Jobs. “Steve Jobs’s “reality distortion field” was a personal refusal to accept limitations and to convince himself that any difficulty was surmountable. This “field” was so strong that he was able to convince others that they, too, could achieve the impossible. It was an internal reality so powerful it also became an external reality.” (x)
The catch? The distortion field, and mindset in general, works MAJORLY through repetition. So I don't care if you think you’re the biggest, saddest wanker around, I’m going to drum into your ears that you’re a star and trust me, by the end of this series, every constellation out there will be pining for you.
So tea, I’M ON FIRE TODAY, so if you have a coffee (tea?) to drink, some time to invest on yourself, and a sturdy ol’ cerebrum to upgrade, then join in and watch out for this series (Letters From Solomon Islands, WHATTUP) on your dashboards. My people already know that the how-to’s are clickbait anyway (Coughs, chokes on the shade.)
Why We Adore Our Celebs
The other day I was stalking Tom Hiddleston in my bathroom (please don't use your imagination) and exactly one day ago I had been stalking Billie Eilish in there (yes nosy Eric, I'm bi, but again, don’t get carried away) and there was an interview talking about her rise to fame, and THAT, fellow denizens, got me wondering: Why do we have celebrities? (A profound question Nandini, you’ve done us proud.)
Before you spit something political like “capitalism!”, put down that crochet pattern for a sec. Close your eyes (welcome to woke therapy, ayo), and I want you to envision one of your role models- the people you look up to and would DIE if you get a chance to meet them. The icons you stalk excessively on Insta and have all the notifs on for. No, Sally, your crush on Zac Efron’s abs doesn't count. Sorry to crush your hopes.
Second, consider WHY you love this person so much. It could be anyone - an actor, influencer *smirks*, singer, that hot man down the street who helped you pick up your groceries that one time because you’re clumsy- yup, anyone. Now, trap that love here, in these pages, as you read. (Oh Sally, here’s toilet paper and a cookie, stop sniffling.)
Here’s some foreshadowing: In a nutshell, ‘celebrities’ exist because the rest of us are— excuse us, politically incorrect statement coming through— losers. Or better put, because we can't become ‘celebrities’ ourselves. Don’t run in with your frying pan just yet, James, I’ll do a thorough deconstruction. Stay put and listen up:
Look around and you’ll find that most of the citizenry is living a life for others. Whether subconsciously, or consciously, it’s as if we’re pre-programmed to imitate and copy whatever the herd is up to. “Yo, whatcha up to, Nate, you out partying? I’ll see you in ten then.” “Lol, are you living under a rock? Do you seriously not know what Uggs are?” “I mean… yeah, I hate Justin Bieber too, of course I do.”
And that's not our fault, really. Society briefs us on the ground rules of fitting in pretty early on: get good grades, go to college, try to find a nice paying job– and we do it, like unquestioning muppets helpless in its domineering hands.
Because we all know the ramifications that’ll crop up if we don’t. If anyone even dares to be a bit different, they’re freezed out and ridiculed. They’re slapped with labels such as “insane”, “naive”, “misfit”, or the best one yet - “selfish”. Selfish for living true to themselves. Selfish for hustling hard and making THEIR dreams a reality. Selfish for having the courage to put their own desires before society’s. What. A. Big. Yawn. I’m sleeping on y’all.
And that’s precisely where celebs beat us to the finish line.
Look, these ‘acclaimed’ personalities bubble up because most are afraid to be the most bona fide and best version of themselves. It’s much easier to plop on the couch, switch on the TV, and say, “Man, I could do that any day. And prob better too,” while trying to pick up the remote control with your two toes because you’re too comfy to get up right now.
Your role models, idols, and mentors – the entire bulk of these people have a willpower and fortitude that you could only dream of. They’ve hunted down their fears and faced numerous challenges to follow their dreams. They’ve chosen to remain true to their authentic selves even under constant judgment. Sure, they were all called eccentrics and crazy at one point or another, but— ok no, (edit: wow, I had a mood swing here, lmao) they ARE eccentrics. They ARE crazy. Wild for wanting to change the world. Mad for inspiring millions of people. They’re lunatics who had the audacity to dream big, shed the shells of doubt and insecurity, and dared to live their best life.
Moral of the story is: Celebrities, pop stars, and internet personalities aren’t just people who got lucky and wealthy. They had a special kind of fearlessness and self-awareness to get here, qualities worth examining for yourself.
So here’s your mental workout for this post —
Go and ruminate deeply about what makes you love the people you admire. What do they have or do that you want as well? Is it their spontaneity? Their courage and faith? Or is it their kindness and humanity? Or perhaps most importantly, their passion? Have you fallen in love with their excitement to go to work or does your heart melt at the gratitude they show others?
Find out what it is that makes your eyes sparkle and the corners of your lips turn up when you look at them. It is easier to find what you’d love to do from what others are doing than brainstorm on an empty page. *Sally looks up from the corner* “And then what?” *Me, smiles, sensing the crazy philo rant coming ahead* “And then, Sally dear, you live.”
The next step is a big one. You do what THEY did. If they’re passionate, YOU learn to become devoted to your dreams as well. If they don’t give up, you NEVER STRAY either.
You see, we have it in all of us to become great. And we can start wherever we are. Jen Sincero, an author and coach, put it well: “It’s not your fault you’re fucked up, BUT it is your fault if you stay fucked up.” So start where you are. Start NOW. Follow the advice Will gave to Louisa in his departing letter in Me Before You (I’m a soppy romcom fanatic) – “There is a hunger in you, Clark. A fearlessness. You just buried it, like most people do… so live boldly. Push yourself. Don’t settle. Just live well. Just LIVE.”
Love, the world isn’t as scary as we’ve all grown up to think it is. Passion, kindness, faith and magic breathes among us. You’re not a loser, darling, scribble over that insult so it says “lover”, and heal, knowing that the world awfully, I give you my word of honor (still an 18th century woman, y’all), wants you to win.
And I? I’ll be right here waiting for the day when there’ll be no such demarcation of people as “winners” or “suckers”; just conquerors with big hearts and unbreakable faith, all ready to make that small life count.
Go win.
The End Card That Rambles On And Plugs Even More
🌚🌝 Further reading? 🌝🌚
Last post: 13 Lessons from the 2018 Chapter
if you don’t love yourself, read this. please.
+ Want to request a post? Leave your request in my ask box & I’ll get back to you asap!
Thanks for dropping by! It was a pleasure having you around. If you wish to stick for a bit, I’d suggest picking one of the related posts mentioned above.
I post new posts bi-weekly, and my wins, & journal entries throughout the week, so follow me if you’re into conquering life, leaving a legacy and being the baddest badass you can possibly be. I’ll be your side pal, cheering you along.✨
And that was it, it’s a wrap! Martha, shut the cams, Henry, pause the audio, and Nandita, I know you’re pretending to be deaf, but Mom’s yelling something about doing the dishes. Better skip along.
And you, fellow conqueror? Keep slaying life, doing the work and making it count. I hope you’re well, stay strong and go conquer life. ✧
I’m sending you so much love, see you soon.
— Nandini 💌 (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡
#look who's getting her first official post of 2019 out!!!!#hope you get smth out of this + feel free to gimme ideas for the next post in this series!#unicorn studying#athenastudying#heypat#adelinestudiess#cyclicstudies#einstetic#heylondonotes#stillstudies#looklibraerie#catlynnhighlights#ref#masterpost#studyblrmasterposts#life#suggestions#spilled ink#spilled thoughts#inspiring#motivation#dont give up#geez <3
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get to know me
tagged by @catthecoder, author of the magnificent Bughead story “Stranger In The Night”. I can’t believe I wasn’t already following you. Thanks for tagging me!
Nickname: I.. don’t have one... Nobody ever gave me one.
Last movie I saw: On Netflix “10 Things I hate about you”, a movie I had never seen before and I’ve watched so many romantic comedies! At the cinema: “Bohemian Rhapsody”. I really did not want to give them money after the many controversies surrounding it but my love for Queen prevailed.
Favourite musicians: Queen, Tom Rosenthal, The Lonely Island... If I like the beat, the melody and the words, regardless of the genre, it ends up on my phone.
Song stuck in my head: I’m on a boat - The Lonely Island
Do I get asks?: No. I got a couple by @awkwardteenwrites (who is so lovely) and that’s it. I’m not that relevant or interesting! I do write a lot about TV so...
Other blogs: I have a worpress blog called “Georgia’s Favourite Things” (horrible title. I have no imagination. If you have suggestions, I’m here). I review TV shows and do weekly reviews of Brooklyn99, Riverdale and Suits and I rant about stuff.
Amount of sleep: 6-7 hours.
Lucky number:
I’m joking. I don’t have one.
What I’m wearing: jeans and plain blue t-shirt.
Dream job: no idea
Dream trip: roadtrip across America.
Favourite food: pizza, fries, my mom’s carbonara, my grandma’s pasticcio, tiramisù... Basically everything aside from onions and fish that smells like fish. It’s weird, don’t think about it.
Play any instruments: piano and flute. I used to.
Favourite song: My top 5 songs at the moment: Tom Rosenthal - Hugging You / Toto - Africa / Weird Al Yankovic - The Hamilton Polka / Caroline - Harry Styles / Whim - Small Infinity
Random facts: I’m Italian, I love US politics, in my app I have currently about 110 tv shows I have kept track of or that I’m currently watching but there are a lot more, I have watched almost eveything David Tennant has done in the past 8-9 years, I think John Mulaney is one of the funniest comedians of our generation and I’m currently debating if I like Cole Sprouse because of his brand AND his appearance or I’m just in a weird head space now.
Describe yourself as aesthetic things: I have not idea what this means so here we go: staying in your PJ all day “binge watching media content” (hello Captain Holt quote!), a pretty mean resting bitch face, lots and lots of lipsticks...
I tag @leandraderaven, @awkwardteenwrites, @itsnotoktohit, and @americanwithadashofgerman
If you’ve done it already... Sorry! I missed it! xxx
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The 100 (questions that is....not band or TV show)
1. If you were on a 2 hour road trip and could only listen to one song on repeat until the trip was over what song would it be?
idk it would depend. Could be Neck Deep - In Bloom but also if you go with Dream Theater - A Change Of Seasons thats only like 4 plays :)
2. If heaven or hell didn’t exist and wasn’t a reward would you still make an effort in being a good person?
Atheists believe in good.
3. What’s your poison? Vices etc.
JD
4. What’s your favorite thing about your hometown?
the football team lol.
5. Are you a better friend to your friends than they are to you?
It's a mutual thing that we don't really talk lol. I'm a horrible friend to most people but one did say I was angel, which was a compliment cause she’s religious even though I’m not
6. Have you ever ran a red light?
I can't drive, but I ignore traffic signs when walking. They're more of a suggestion than a rule especially in Glasgow.
7. Who is the most influential person in your life?
I influence myself; fuck all y'all.
8. Give me a hot take. What’s the unpopular opinion you stand by?
Love Island is pish
9. What would the ten year old you think about you now?
10yr old me wanted to be an astronaught so idk lol probably disappointed
10. What’s your favorite city to visit/live in?
Town lol I don't do visits
11. Tell me the story of your first kiss.
She asked me out and I was kinda dithering but then just as she was walking away I shouted yes at her like a fucking lunatic and she turned around like "....oh." Then we snogged :P
12. What was your yearbook quote (if you didn’t have one what would it be)?
The romans didnt invent a great civilisations by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.
13. What’s a non-sexual turn on for you?
Millie's Cookies <33333
14. Who’s your favorite non-animated movie character?
The wee old dear from Last Train To Busan <3
15. You fall into $10K and you have to spend it on yourself and not bills, what do you buy?
Gig tickets, alcohol and stuff off my list
16. Have you picked names for your children yet?
one
17. Do you have any talents?
I'm very good at singing badly
18. Which would you prefer: Netflix and Chill or iTunes and Chill?
Netflix or iTunes themselves. I ain't got no chill. And no-ones interrupting me if I'm listening to music/watching something
19. Fill in the blank: I want to ____ your _____.
_hug_, _soul_
20. Is once a cheater always a cheater true?
idk people can change but I'd say the relationship is forever ruined. Someone that cheated on me might not cheat again, but I wouldn't trust them anymore.
21. In one word, What was the reason your last relationship failed?
complacency
22. What’s something therapeutic you do when you’re stressed?
listen to music
23. What was your favorite non-Pixar Disney Film?
Big Hero 6
24. Ruin a first date in 5 words or less.
"I like country music" :P
25. Drums or Flats?
I thought this was about music or highheels but google says its about chicken. And I prefer boneless!
26. Do you remember your last dream? What about?
No idea, I don't remember them much I'm just greatful for whatever sleep I can get.
27. Do you want your kids to go to church, synagogue, temple, mosque? why?
Never! I don't want to fill their heads with nonsense and a life of trying to conform to outdated arbitrary rules just so they have a good afterlife.
28. If Gerard Butler, Russell Crowe, and Liam Neeson get into a bar brawl who wins?
The press?
29. Looking back would you have lost your virginity sooner than you did or later?
Sooner. The lateness was not for lack of trying
30. Do you have a favorite book?
Not really but it used to be either Reaper Man or The Hitch-hikers Guide To The Galaxy
31. Fuck Marry Kill?
Do I get to pick my own???????
Fuck - "Main Course"
Marry - hahahaha no
Kill - your hopes and dreams
32. Is college worth it? Why?
Yes because its good to know things and worth it to get a better job so you're not working beside me :)
33. Favorite Cartoon growing up.
idk I can't really remember what I watched.
34. What’s your favorite social media besides tumblr?
I'm on Facebook more but that's just to play games mostly
35. Does your first crush still look good?
I don't talk to her anymore but her pictures aren't too bad
36. Do you think starting a gofundme is begging or helpful?
Depends on the reason, like I've seen one just for a sesh which is fucking stupid, but like Americans do them for medical bills or some legit reasons.
37. Sesame Street or Barney?
Sesame Street! Cookie Monster<3
38. What you’re favorite R&B Album of all time?
I hate them all.
39. What movie(s) do you know all the lines to by heart?
I can quote bits of films but probably not the whole film
40. Would you date someone you met on here?
idk like I prefer this as a more anonymous space to share things and rant about people who actually know me. If I'm doing this right no-one I meet on here should figure out who I am :) But yes I'd date y'all cause you're all wonderful peoples
41. Would you rather be too hot or too cold?
Too cold, it's Scotland you know?
42. Would you date yourself?
I dont think I could put up with my own shit. And if it was like really my personality in a female form we'd be far too fucking shy to speak to each other.
43. Apple or Android?
Android, Apple is a cult
44. What is the first song that you can remember learning the lyrics to?
Daydream Believer for my aunties wedding
45. What are 3 of your favorite Michael Jackson songs?
I genuinely do not like any of them but Alien Ant Farm covered Smooth Criminal if that counts?
46. Fill in the blanks: it’s not cheating if ___ ____ ____.
you haven't actually kissed or slept with the other person and you're only sharing inappropriate messages on facebook and they've already said they're not a homewrecker... sorry, too specific?
47. Could you put your dreams on hold to support your bf/gf pursuing theirs?
my dreams have been crushed so it would depend on what theirs were
48. What’s is the title to your autobiography?
The Life And Times Of A Fucknut
49. Is there someone you’re trying not to call or text right now?
YES! SO MUCH. I want to message her all the time but she hasn't messaged me and i dont want to appear desperate even though I am so I'm not gonna message first although I check every 5mins if shes messaged me
50. What is your favorite emoji or emoji combination?
:P or ;)
51. Do you have any deal breakers in relationships?
cheating lol.
52. Are you Tre or Doughboy?
I had no idea so I googled it and Wikipedia says "Tre is highly intelligent but has a volatile temper and lacks respect" which is so me :) Idk who doughboy is lol
53. Favorite movie?
Don't really have one tbh. I have too many I want to watch to bother re-watching something i've seen.
54. How long do you talk to someone before you expect a relationship?
when you talk to someone its the start of a relationship in the loosest sense of the word because friendship is still the relationship between two people
55. Ruin a first date in 5 words or less.
repeat questions would ruin a date cause it proves you're not listening
56. How old are you and how old do you feel?
I'm 29 but I feel the same as i always have
57. Tag your favorite tumblr blog.
@evilsupplyco
58. Your house is burning down and your family is safe what is the one material item you’d grab?
my phone'd already be in my pocket so laptop?
59. How long until you introduce your bf/gf to your family?
theyve met
60. Fill in the blank: All you need in this life of sin is you and your ____.
Nope. All you need in this life of sin is you. No and your anything
61. Kobe, Jordan, or Lebron?
neither
62. What is your favorite Drake lyric?
I hate everything he has ever said
63. Where did you meet the last person you fell in love with?
I don't fall in love, I believe I only fall in lust/infatuation/obsession.
64. Do you know your love language?
I joined a shitty website to find the answer. Apparently it's physical touch and then words of affirmation.
65. Take a Myers Briggs Personality Test: what are your results?
No. I fail at these. The questions are never things that i would do so i feel like im unintentionally lying and it never sounds like me
66. How do you feel about Quentin Taurentino films?
Violence and blood what could be better?
67. Fill in the blank: Get you someone who will ______.
_worship you as the amazing and beautiful bad ass bitch that you are <-- actual drunken advice from me
68. What’s your favorite movie soundtrack?
Spiderman 2 i actually had the album
69. What’s your favorite fragrance on the opposite sex?
i dont care what they smell like as long as its not fags
70. Is there any magazine, blog, or publication you read weekly?
Nope
71. Will you abstain from sex or go to marriage counseling?
Why are these my only options? But I'm not going to counselling, if they have issues then they should just tell me :)
72. There’s two kinds of people in the world: Those who pour ketchup on their fries, and the ones who put it on the side to dip. Which one are you?
The one who doesn't order ketchup at all.
73. Rough sex or slow sex?
Both. Either. Any lol
73. Have you ever slept with a stranger?
Nope. Not that I have anything against it I've just never had the opportunity
74. What’s your dream music collaboration? Produced by who (Dead or Alive)?
idk but probably produced by rick rubin cause that guy does eeeeeverything lol
75. What song will you probably conceive your kids to?
Music would just be a distraction
76. Do you have a scripture or quote you live by?
Nope
77. Finish this sentence: If men had birth control _____.
itd be free
78. How long should sex last?
As long as both partners need
79. What music do you listen to when you de-stress?
Just whatevers next on the playlist
80. How soon should you text someone after getting their number?
The next time you want to tell them something but they arent there beside you?
81. How do you feel about the 80/20 rule?
Living in lol but its more like erm 20/80?
82. Is sex a determinate in a relationship?
Yeah. Why would you get with someone if you're not at least somewhat attracted to them?
83. Is it wrong to move in with someone or “shack up” before marriage?
Nope
81. Send me a never have I ever.
Never have I ever enjoyed beer
82. What is your favorite video game of all time?
Spyro The Dragon
83. Who is your favorite book/movie character?
"SQUEAK" said the Death Of Rats
84. Can you define love as best as you can?
Nope
85. Does size matter?
I hope not, women like taller guys lol.
86. What is your favorite thing about the person you like? Physically? Personality?
idk
87. Five Year plan? Go!
Don't get fired, save money, get an actual house, buy stuff off my list?
88. If someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?
idk i dont understand me so why you asking me?
89. Do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? Do you identify yourself by the things you do?
I don't tend to think of myself at all really... and why would I identify myself?
90. What does emotionally available mean to you?
Someone who is not emotionally closed off?
91. Could you go into business with your ex?
Hahahahahahahah no
92. What is the last song you sang aloud?
I'd Rather Drown
ineverletpeopleinandihaveyoutoremindmewhy
93. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
They do. They told me. It sucks cause it changes nothing except igniting that small bit of hope id given up on...
94. How do you prefer to obtain your music Streaming, Downloads, or Physical?
Physical albums for artists I like, even though it just goes straight into the laptop anyway i still like having albums
95. Name an artist you like that your friends probably don’t listen to.
What friends? But erm Archangels Revenge. I doubt the ex members listen to them as much as I do lol
96. Tag someone that’s probably her baby father.
this makes no sense?
97. Post a selfie you really like.
nope
98. Do you watch anime? What is your favorite?
Death Note or The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya so far, but ive got a lot on my list
99. What’s the zodiac sign of the last person you dated?
Aquarius
100. Do you know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior?
I know that he is not either.
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Jealousy?
Okay, I took the challenge from the beautiful @sanjariti and I wanted to make it really nice so I had like a million rough drafts and I hated them all so here is the one I hated the least. It’s probably like a really long and cringey little piece of writing but I did it and I hope it isn’t too bad. I took the prompt “Don’t be mad because I’m doing me better than you’re doing you with Bucky Barnes and reader. ( @sanjariti again I’m so sorry) Also the word count came out to 4,099 so it’s a long cringe fest.
For seventy years, Bucky had been trapped in a cage of loneliness and despair. His head, thoughts, and motivation had all been trapped under the hand that was HYDRA. Life had been a tragedy for as long as he could remember. He thought that he was going to be stuck in this never ending spiral of despair and loneliness. But there was a small piece of the old Bucky that was constantly fighting to hold onto a small memory of hope that showed itself through kind blue eyes. Those deep ocean blues that let him know everything would work itself out. He was finally able to see the owner of those eyes when he ran into the man on the bridge.
It had been like any other mission but it ended up being so much more. Bucky thanked God every day for giving him the chance to start over again with his childhood best friend and those blue eyes. Of course, it took a while for him to get used to life as Bucky Barnes and not the Winter Soldier. He always had Steve there though.
He lived with Steve first in a small apartment in his home city of Brooklyn (even if rent was a little on the high side). In the beginning, Steve had worked day and night trying to get Bucky back to the smooth and confident man he once was but he couldn’t. Bucky felt like he had failed his savior by not being able to function like the young man Steve remembered. He thought a lot about his own personal sufferings and the “burden” he was for not being the old Bucky. Sam was the first to notice the negative thoughts that Bucky was having and quickly stepped in even if Bucky found him to be an “annoying birdbrain” who always called dibs on shotgun.
It might have been a long, very difficult and sometimes violent process to get Bucky to be stable and finally understand that he was Steve’s best friend till the end of the line, but they got there.
When rent got a little too pricey for even America’s living and breathing landmark (Tony’s words), Stark had offered the Avengers facility to the two best friends. Bucky was nervous about meeting the rest of the team seeing as they were the closest thing to a family Steve had after he “died”.
At first, Bucky was closed off and unengaging. Steve had such amazing friends who made his life easier. He wasn’t the Winter Soldier anymore but he didn’t feel worthy enough to hang with the likes of Tony Stark or Thor. So he did what he thought he had to do for Steve. However once Pepper found out that he didn’t join in family dinners or participate in weekly movie nights, she gave him a passionate and very terrifying rant about how he’s a part of the family and better start acting like it.
Bucky showed up to every dinner and movie night after that.
The team warmed up to him quickly and vice versa. He quickly became the center of attention and became a crucial asset to the team on and off the field. Working for HYDRA ruined a good portion of his life but he did learn a lot under their control. Everyone knew he was a skilled fighter but his level of leadership and ability to come up with infiltration plans was a level of genius that not even Steve could parallel.
He traded fighting techniques with Natasha. He made fun of Steve with Sam. He loved the same kind of movies as Clint. He learned to cook with Wanda. He learned about modern life from Vision. And he learned to deal with trauma from Tony.
Bucky became quickly everybody’s favorite. He was gaining popularity and steadily keeping it. To say he enjoyed it was an understatement but Bucky’s time in the limelight was quickly cut short with the arrival of Y/N.
_________________________
“I’m tired of eating pizza every night. I just want something new and better than a slice of Leone’s,” Tony groaned. The Avengers were sitting in the dining room arguing over what to eat: homemade, takeout, fast food, Indian, Chinese, etc.
“I don’t see why we have to change things up. I love Leone’s,” Steve countered.
“Listen, Old Man, you used to boil everything you ate on a raggedy stove so you have no say in what quality food is,” Tony said.
“I actually agree with Steve here, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it,” interrupted Clint.
“You can’t be serious Legolas, you’re siding with Flag Boy here!? Come on who else is joining him?” Tony asked. Clint’s and Wanda’s hand went into the air. While Vision raised his too wanting to be on the same side as Wanda.
“Okay now, who’s on my side AKA the winning side?”
Bucky’s, Natasha’s and Sam’s hands went up meaning there was a tie. A huge argument regarding food choices broke out dividing the team in half. The sounds of complaints and whining filled the room making it look like a classroom and not the home of the world’s most powerful individuals. Not wanting to have the fight turn into an all out Civil War, Bucky was about to offer to cook something for all of them when the loud ding of the elevator broke the commotion.
No one was expecting to be bothered with work on their day off so the emergence of a serious looking Fury at the hallway was a surprising one. However, Fury did not walk in alone.
Next to Fury stood one of the most beautiful dames Bucky ever had the pleasure of beholding. She was of about average height. She had glowing bronze skin with bold and wild curly black locks. They framed a face with warm brown eyes, the kind you can stare into forever without realizing you’ve been drowning in them the whole time. Her lips were thick and plump covered in red lipstick.
Her looks weren’t the main thing that drew Bucky to her though. It was the type of attitude she released. She walked with sturdy strides that screamed confidence. On her lips, she wore a small smirk that suggested she knew something you didn’t. Her aura was both intimidating but welcoming at the same time. She looked like she could encase you in the warmest hug of your life but snap you in half if you got on her bad side. And Bucky loved it.
Once in front of the kitchen island Fury took it upon himself to explain the situation to the Avengers who stood there staring at their new guest with looks ranging from confusion to excitement.
“It’s nice to see that the team I assembled behaves like grown adults who know how to resolve conflicts and compromise,” Fury said with his arms crossed, “But solving your dinner problems is the least of my concern at the moment. Avengers, I want you to meet your newest member, would you care to introduce yourself, ma’am?”
Bucky was half expecting her stutter over her words or sound kind of nervous after all they were the Avengers and it’s not every day you meet master assassins and enhanced human beings. He remembered being in a position similar to her own a couple months ago. He was introducing himself to Steve’s friends and messed up on his own name. To this day Sam still calls him Borky. However, to his surprise, she didn’t do anything like what he did.
“Hello, I’m Y/N L/N and I’m looking forward to working with all of you,” she said with a sweet and self-assured tone. The moment those words escaped her mouth Bucky couldn’t help but hear her subtle accent. He didn’t find it to be a bad thing, no on the contrary he wished that she would open her mouth again and speak his own name with that same accent. At the same time, Bucky was a little jealous that she was able to speak in a poised voice when in the same situation that introduced him to a new level of embarrassment.
“She will be moving into the Avengers facility and you guys will act as hospitable hosts, teaching her how things function around here. Barnes and Rogers, you too will be in charge of setting up a training schedule for her and helping her prepare for your next mission in two weeks. I hope you all solve your dinner dilemma.” Fury nodded and ended his last sentence with a tone of voice that made it clear there would be no taking of questions. He walked out leaving the Avengers with a strange woman in their presence.
“Well this isn’t awkward at all,” Y/N said with a laugh. After a few more moments of an uncomfortable silence, Y/N responded with, “Well don’t all rush to introduce yourselves.”
“Oh right! Sorry about that, we just weren’t expecting a visitor much less a new member all of a sudden. I’m Sam.” said the handsome man with warm brown eyes. “This is Steve, Tony, Wanda, Natasha, Clint, Vision, and Bucky.” he continued gesturing to the name’s respectful owners.
“It’s so amazing to be here with all of you. I mean I never in my life thought that I’d reach the same status as the likes of Captain America or Iron Man. So this pretty surreal for me.” she said gazing around at all of them with kind eyes. “I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything too important before I got here. I heard you guys arguing about something like Pizza or Lord of the Rings before I walked in.”
“Oh yeah, we were just deciding on what we were going to eat for dinner. It kind of spiraled out of control. Don’t worry about it though. Actually, why don’t you pick today’s dinner seeing as it’s your first team dinner,” suggested Steve.
“How about I do you one better and cook a nice traditional home made meal for all of you,” replied Y/N.
“Ummm, you know Y/N I was going to offer to cook something up-“ Bucky started.
“Oh no that’s fine I can do it and I don’t mean to brag or insult your skills but I’ve been told I’m one of the best cooks out there.” Y/N said with a smile that Bucky couldn’t help but adore.
About an hour after Y/N entered the kitchen, there seemed to be delicious smells of food and spices coming from the kitchen. While Y/N was working her magic in the kitchen, the rest of the Avengers waited eagerly to taste what Y/N was cooking.
“A comer!” shouted Y/N from the dining room.
“Jesus that smells amazing Y/N. What did you make?” said Tony while entering.
“Muchas gracias, they’re called sopes. My mom used to make them for me all the time when I was younger.”
The Avengers quickly washed their hands, sat down and dug their hands into the warm delectable little tortillas. All except for Bucky who couldn’t help but feel a tiny ounce of annoyance. Cooking for the team was always kind of his thing. After missions, he would cook up some nice warm soup or some tasty spaghetti. He loved the little compliments he would get over his dishes. To hear them directed at someone else irked him a bit but nevertheless, he enjoyed the food like the others (maybe, even more, knowing who prepared the meal.)
Tony, deciding to take initiative of the conversation, asked their newest member some questions to get to know her a bit better. They found out that she was born in Ciudad Juárez, Mexico. She lived there until it got too dangerous for her family because of the crime and drug wars. She and her family then immigrated to California when she was 12 years old. She was fluent in Spanish, was proud of her culture and where she came from which Bucky couldn’t help but be attracted to. Women in the 40s all kind of threw themselves at him. And these women were all amazing and kind people but they lacked this confidence and attitude that he saw in Y/N.
__________________________
And it seemed that every other member of the team recognized that confidence that she had and the unapologetic attitude she showcased and they loved it too. She became everyone’s favorite member of the team.
She would joke around with Tony and Sam. She traded traditional recipes with Wanda. Bonded with Natasha over ways of playing their “weak female” appearance to their advantage. She taught Vision how to act more like a person and how to be mindful of the emotions of others. She had heated debates with Clint over everything but they were all out of love and mutual respect.
And her and Steve could not have gotten along any better. They both had what they called unparalleled bravery but Bucky called it stupidity and irresponsibility. They traded stories of playground scuffles, acts of courage, traumatic confrontations and just plain stupid fist fights. They were like two peas in a pod and Bucky hated it.
He hated the fact this beautiful lady could just walk in all smooth like. She could easily win over the hearts and trust of the Avengers, she could become the new center of attention, and steal precious moments away from his best friend.
But what Bucky hated most was that he couldn’t hate her. Despite her stealing every ounce of praise away from him, he couldn’t help but also grow a soft spot for her. She was kind and confident and beautiful and strong. He hated that he couldn’t hate her and it seemed everyone noticed his sour change in mood including a certain super soldier.
Bucky sat at the dining room table waiting for Steve and Y/N to get up so they could start training again. When Steve came down he noticed the childlike pout on his face.
“ You have that look on your face again.”
Bucky looked up, “I don’t have any look on my face, punk.”
“Oh come on, what’s on your mind? You’ve been acting like this for weeks now.”
“It’s nothing don’t worry about it. Besides is her royal highness ready yet?”
“Her royal highness? Oh, I get what this is about now!” Steve yelled excitedly. “You’re jealous of Y/N and all the attention she’s getting, aren’t you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t lie. Besides, you have nothing to be jealous about. We just want to make her feel welcome, loosen up.”
“You loosen up Steve, I’m tired of her strutting around with her soft hair and pretty smile on her lips,” Bucky let slip but instantly regretted it.
“Soft hair? Pretty smile? Oh, this isn’t jealousy. Is it love that I detect?” Steve said bursting out into laughter.
“Yes! I mean no! Shut up punk!” Bucky let out flustered.
Steve’s chuckles were quickly tuned out by Bucky because at that moment, Y/N walked into the room from out of the hallway. And she had a puzzled look on her face wondering what kept her friend in giggles.
“Did I miss out on a funny joke or something?” She questioned with a small smile.
“No, it was nothing. Steve’s being stupid. Let’s just go train.” He said curtly while pushing past Y/N.
Now Bucky’s rude and quiet behavior did not go unnoticed by Y/N. She very easily figured out that he had something against her. It didn’t take her too long to realize that he was most likely jealous of the new found attention that focused solely on her. But as much she tried not letting it get to her it still did. Usually, she would brush it off and think nothing of it but she was kind of angry that Bucky didn’t like her after all she had not intentionally done anything wrong. This small part of her wanted him to like her but she wasn’t exactly sure why that part of her kept growing in size each day.
__________________________
Training used to be one of Bucky’s favorite things to do but ever since Y/N made an appearance he hated it. She was extremely skilled in the art or combat and weaponry. Not to mention the added bonus of her ability to control metal. Bucky found this to be the worst. Typically Bucky could beat anyone in hand to hand combat but now the brown eyed beauty could take him down (emotionally and physically) easily with the smallest of movements. Today, Bucky was feeling more annoyed than usual.
They had all been training for about two hours. Steve and Y/N had been caring nice and light conversations about whatever popped into their head. Y/N occasionally tried to bring Bucky into the conversation as a way to get on his good side but he just brushed her off with a grunt, silence or if he was particularly sour a scoff.
It was after the 3rd scoff and 12th attempt to make conversation did Y/N finally crack under pressure.
“What’s your problem?!” She yelled out.
Bucky just stared playing confused.
“No seriously what is your problem? You always start to look away or leave a room the moment I step into a room. I try to make polite conversation and get you involved with your new team member but you just brush me off and pretend that I’m not here. You treat me like the scum on your shoe and you know what? If all of this is because you feel jealous that your team is getting along with a new member then you are an absolute idiot who needs to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around him. God! Don’t be mad because I’m doing me better than you’re doing you.”
With that loud and bold rant, Y/N quickly walked out of the room and slammed the door with so much force and anger that she broke the metal door knob and tore the door off of its hinges.
Bucky was not expecting her to go off on him so much and verbally call him out like that. He didn’t for once think about how she felt with him ignoring her and not giving her the attention she deserves. And to think he wanted to have a chance with her.
“I think I made a huge mistake.”
______________________
The rest of Bucky’ day was spent looking for the opportunity to explain himself to Y/N and try to confess his true feelings. However, he never got that opportunity because Y/N had locked herself in her room for the whole day and didn’t want to come out. Bucky decided to give her that day to cool off and hoped that the next day she would be a bit more willing to hear him out. However, he woke up the next morning to find out that she was gone and had left for a mission.
Steve had informed Bucky that it was a small low-risk mission with Sam and that they’d likely be back during the evening. They were supposed to check in at around 12 pm to let everyone know the mission was going accordingly but when they didn’t receive that call, everyone began to worry.
“I’m sure it’s fine, Sam forgets to call in and do things all the time,” Steve assured the team.
“Sam might do that but we’re also talking about Y/N. She would ever be even a minute late to make the phone call.” Countered Natasha.
The rest of the team stayed silent and the tension grew thick. Everyone was nervous to figure out what happened to two of their favorite team members. And poor Bucky was practically pacing and leaving holes the carpet. His mind was racing with terrible thoughts. What if Y/N died and she never forgave him? What if she came back and refused to ever see him again? Or what if she just didn’t care anymore?
His thoughts were put to rest when the team l received messages that said Sam and Y/N had made it back and were in the hospital wing. The team quickly rushed over to find out the status of their family.
When they got there, they saw that Sam was okay and had suffered minor wounds which was amazing news. The bad news was that he only suffered so little because Y/N had taken so many hits for him and wants to protect him as much as she could. However, this meant Y/N’s status was more severe than Sam’s and she would likely have to stay in the hospital for a couple weeks before she was okay.
The team could finally relax knowing that they had not lost any close friends that night.Though Bucky still wanted to see, Y/N for himself. So he did the most rational thing he could think of in that moment, break into Y/N’s hospital room and be by her side when she woke up.
Bucky sat on the chair looking down at the woman he hurt for such petty reasons. He didn’t realize how much of a real douche he was being and now he could only hope that he would be forgiven.
“I’m so sorry sweetheart. I was a real idiot. I don’t know how I was stupid enough to be jealous of the team giving you attention.I mean you deserve every ounce of that praise and care. I wish I could go back and be just as welcoming because if anyone on this team is worthy of praise it’s you. God, I wish you won’t just forgive me but let me make it up to you somehow. I didn’t want to admit it but there’s something about you that just makes me want to be near you all time. I want to hear your beautiful accent fill my ears. I want to see your curly hair bounce around when you giggle at something funny. I want to hear you scold the team in Spanish. I want to hear your loud music blasting from your room next door. And I just want to be near you every time you’ll let me.”
After a few moments Bucky laid his head in his hands and with a sigh whispered, “God, I’m so pathetic.”
“No, you’re not.”
With a startled look up Bucky saw Y/N’s big brown eyes look back at him with so much sincerity. He suddenly turned red when he realized that she could have heard his pathetic excuse of an apology and creepy rant about his affection for her.
“Oh Jesus, I’m sorry. I broke into your hospital room because I’m an idiot and wanted to see if you were fine. I’ll head out now.” he rambled quickly trying to apologize for his invasion of her privacy.
“That was beautiful.” she interrupted.
“Wh-what?”
“Your little speech or should I call it a confession?” she teased with a little smile.
“Oh… you heard all of that?”
“Yeah. The big bad Winter Soldier was jealous and had a little crush on me didn’t he?” she said with a cocky smile.
“I- uh,”
“Don’t be embarrassed I think it’s kind of cute. Oh, of course, that doesn’t mean I’m going to forgive you all at once with that lame apology because frankly, I deserve better, but I’ll give you a chance to make it up to me. And who knows I just might return those feelings back one day, I mean you are kind of handsome when you aren’t acting like an idiota.” she said with a big smile on her face.
“I’ll make it up to you I promise. How about dinner? Next Saturday at 6?” Bucky asked hopefully.
“No, no, no, no, no. You aren’t getting by with just dinner. You owe me a whole day of fun. So next Friday bring your A-game and get your good apology ready because I don’t want a rocky start to our relationship.”
“Relationship?” Bucky asked with his mouth open.
“If you play your cards right Barnes.” she said with a smirk on the corner of her mouth.
Bucky grew a big smile on his face and knew that next Friday was going to be the day he made it up to Y/N and the day a lifetime of laughter and happiness would begin. And Bucky could not contain his excitement.
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kellylaipply
replied to your post
“Love on a Desert Island, 1/2”
Can't wait!
It’s started! To Bring Them Home
smallblueandloud
replied to your post
“legendslikestardust: Weekly Prompt [week of July 2nd] Welcome to our...”
oh dear, should we be concerned?
Welllll... Goodbyes are such a natural prompt for Doomsday. Especially when combined with this week’s prompt, “beaches.”
claudia425
replied to your photoset
“Reading with Smokey @mostlycatsmostly”
Pretty kitty. I have a little dog who does the same thing. ��
I love animals.
thetoppbanana
replied to your post
“So, I’ve lost three followers since dinner. I’m trying to figure out...”
Some people just can't handle how purely amazing you are. Jealousy. They can eat it.
LOL!! Thank you. :D
zoebelle9
replied to your post
“Forever Bad Wolf”
AHHHH!! This has everything, Bad Wolf, love, joy, an a** kicking Rose and a forever kind of happy ending..
YES!!! I love giving them a forever kind of happy ending. :D
pellaaearien
replied to your post
“Forever Bad Wolf”
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
Hmmm... I think you might have liked that story. ;)
hanluvr
replied to your post
“Fifty Ways to Say I Love You, 3 and 4/50”
Yes! I love it and the memory of Nine too. ♡
I’m so glad! I loved thinking about how surprised he would have been back then by Rose wanting to cuddle next to him.
zoebelle9
replied to your post
“Forever and Never Apart, 7/42”
I'm glad the Doctor and Rose learned to have a calm day for themselves here. Also, I'm so glad Donna saw the good, not just the bad, with the choices they have to make
Slow days are always important, especially after something like Pompeii. Donna here had to still be really optimistic about the universe, since her big crisis comes in Planet of the Ood.
kellylaipply
replied to your post
“MBTI at work in Fires of Pompeii”
This was my favorite chapter so far.
Thank you! I loved writing the Pompeii section.
starsandfairytales
replied to your post
“Sorry but I need to rant”
It is so weird to me the lengths people will go to to try and claim that the Doctor wasn't in love with Rose. It wasn't even subtext, it was the actual text. They are the loves of each others lives. You can still ship whatever you want to ship. So, just accept it and move on.
Yeah, I don’t get it. There are so many lines that tell you what they were to each other, and so many confirmations from everyone involved in the show that things that might be open to interpretation were meant to show that they loved each other. So... how can anyone say they weren’t in love?
kellylaipply
replied to your post
“Like Blue Bananas”
"Sigh" - beautiful. Thank you!
Thank you so much! I’ve wanted to really dig into that conversation in a fic for a while, so Pride was the perfect opportunity.
zoebelle9
replied to your post
“Forever and Never Apart, 6/42”
I am so glad Rose got a chance to talk to Donna.. not that I don't get where she's coming from, but the Doctor is making so much progress in not taking all the guilt and I hate to think he's going to go backwards.
Yeah. I understand Donna’s POV, and so does Rose since their personalities are very similar. But the fact is, you cannot mess with a fixed point, and there’s no reason to blame the Doctor for something he cannot change.
madegeeky
replied to your post
“Forever and Never Apart, 6/42”
I love how protective Rose is of everyone and how her age has just made her more ready to fight, not less.
Oh yes. The older Rose gets, the more fierce and confident she becomes.
jellyneau-xo
replied to your post
“Spoiler Alert”
This was so friggin sweet!
Thank you! It was so much fun to write.
kenziejolenececilia
replied to your post
“Bound By Light”
I'm not crying. Im not crying. Im not crying. Im totally bawling.
Awww, thank you.
lastbluetardis
replied to your post
“As Long As We Both Shall Live, 3/3”
This was such a lovely ending to a lovely fic!! Thank you so much for this beautiful story!! I loved it so much and everything about it was perfect!! And I loved the fib the Doctor told Pete in order to secure two weeks of privacy for him and Rose. He's such a dork, I love him!
I’m so happy you liked your present! I had a lot of fun writing it for you. And yes, that little fib made me laugh. :D
zoebelle9
replied to your post
“Where You Least Expect It”
Wow, this is so magical. I love that she thought she was broken and them meeting changed it, and all over tea!!
Thank you! I really liked Rose’s uncertainty with her mark. It added some extra emotion to the story.
lastbluetardis
replied to your post
“Where You Least Expect It”
This is such a gorgeous story! I love everything about it, but especially the reveal of Rose's soulmark! I felt so bad for her, thinking she'd broken or inadequate. This is so amazing, well done Nancy! Thanks for sharing it!
I love soulmate aus, but they’re often so... easy. “Oh look you have my mark we are meant to be!” I wanted to add some emotional tension to the story, and this really worked well.
zoebelle9
replied to your post
“Bound By Light”
This is beautiful and so, so lovely.
kellylaipply
replied to your post
“Bound By Light”
Love, love, love this!
Thank you both!
#kellylaipply#smallblueandloud#claudia425#thetoppbanana#zoebelle9#pellaaearien#hanluvr#starsandfairytales#madegeeky#jellyneau-xo#kenziejolenececilia#lastbluetardis#right#I think that's as far back as I'm going in my replies#this is a full month#thank you everyone!
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[Rant] Happiness is a 1977 Mercury Cougar Xr7 via /r/cars
[Rant] Happiness is a 1977 Mercury Cougar Xr7
And boy am I excited. A little background. I used to own a black 77 Cougar with blue interior. Loved the car. But I met a girl and she convinced me I needed sonething more "reasonable" anf that did better than 8 mpg.
So I sold the car to a guy my age, and ended up driving across America and back and flying to the Virgin Islands where I now live.
After Hurricane Maria and Irma devastated our island of St. Croix and tried to take my roof (which lifted several inches and cracked the concrete walls) things have been very stressful here. The roads have deteriorated horribly and are destroying cars left and right, tearing up axles and suspension and eating tires on a bi-weekly basis. Island wide. In my case the sinkholes ripped out my Mercedes exhaust system and I have a strange shimmy developing that is pronounced enough I stopped driving my car. Her Cherokee is doing fine, but it's a 238,000 mile motor on a car with essentially no suspension just brutally slamming into each and every bump on the road. Driving it is like being in a fist fight you're not winning. As an aside, we also still don't have electricity.
Anyhow, things are stressful enough that my girl (a Cruzian native) and I are fed up and will be heading stateside in 6 months. But to my good fortune, I was able to buy back my old Cougar and have my mom watch over it.
See, apparently the man I sold it to had a rare heart condition found mostly in athletes (this guy was a mason/carpenter) and he just diesld suddenly one day two years ago. Talon was a good man, so R.I.P. Before he died though, he put a new exhaust, allegedly had the engine rebuilt, and put in a new transmission. He put some love in the car. His family has been trying to sell it for two years, but they don't understand how much people dislike late 70s cars. But I fortuitously saw the post for Florida on Craigslist and verified that it used to be my ride. Now it will be my ride again for a measly $1500 when the car is worth closer to $3000. I cannot wait to get back behind that thirsty 351M, put on some Earth Wind and Fire, and cruise the highways again. I miss the mainland and I miss that reassuring V8 burble and smooth roads.
http://ift.tt/2A9Cl7U (Ps sorry for typos, am on mobile)
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