#sometimes it feels like it isn’t a choice because you can’t remember choosing it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

synthetickitsune · 22 days

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svt + who would sacrifice you to save the world vs sacrifice the world to save you A/N: i'd once again like to thank @hanniedream for driving me insane ♡

S.Coups ❧ Chooses you, over and over and over. Selfishly. So fast he doesn’t get to think about the consequences. It hurts him and it breaks him, and he’ll be the most possessive and protective of you in the aftermath. The only way he might not choose you is if you beg him not to. Maybe. But his body is already molded to only feel complete with you in his arms.

Jeonghan ❧ Chooses the world and he makes sure you understand it’s an apology to you. He will think of it as setting you free, allowing you to see more precious things that do not exist in this world. He will think of it as taking it easy - you know he gets tired quickly. Wherever you are, you will prepare a life where he can join you one day.

Joshua ❧ Chooses the world, and will spend the rest of his life mourning you, praying for your forgiveness. He wants to have hope, he wants to be glad about the choice he made. He surrounds himself with joy to feel justified in his actions. Nothing works. He retracts into the depths of his soul. Abandons his life, as if he lost any right to it after what he’s done.

Jun ❧ Chooses you. If the world came to a point where a person has to be sacrificed for it to continue, the feelings and lives of the people around them disregarded, that is no world that is right. He is angry and his fury burns doubts away, leaving only determination. A world like that is one worth abandoning. Where there’s will, there’s a way. He’ll create a kinder world.

Hoshi ❧ Chooses you, despite everything, because he can’t let go. He’ll hold onto you too tightly, so he can forget the things he sacrificed. He’ll carry enough guilt for both of you. He’s haunted by nightmares that only your heartbeat can chase away. Part of him wants to regret it, but his heart knows there never was any other possible outcome.

Wonwoo ❧ Chooses the world, because it’s the rational choice that he knows he’ll deeply regret in waves, but knows you won’t and that you will understand because you trust him like that. Everything will remind him of you, he’ll search for you sometimes, driving himself crazy trying to forget what happened. He can’t be left alone when he remembers he won’t find you.

Woozi ❧ Chooses the world, because you deserve better. He’ll live with the feeling that it’s just an excuse, even though he knows if he chose you, you’d hate yourself for it. And he’d hate himself for making you live with that guilt, in the world that is not the one you shared before. His yearning is dangerous and painful, all he can do is hope you can hear his apologies where you are.

The8 ❧ Chooses the world, because he loves it. Because he loves you, and he knows you won’t just disappear. You’ll linger around him in his heart and memories, in the wind caressing his face, in the water hugging him tight while he swims in the ocean. You’ll continue on his journey with him, and one day he’ll fill you in on the bits you missed. He will meet you again.

Mingyu ❧ Chooses the world, but cries before, during, and after going through with it. He can’t look at you, he can’t look at anyone afterwards. He believes he is a monster for being able to do that, and for believing he made the right choice. Every day he needs to find another reason to excuse what he’s done. You always told him to be strong when he was struggling - would you be proud of him for holding on?

DK ❧ Chooses the world, only because he knows that’s what you’d want. He runs away from the choice for as long as he can, just so that maybe he doesn’t need to make the choice. Was it inevitable? Or could it be avoided if you never met him? The world ended for him anyway, even as it keeps turning. It’s just as cold and empty as the universe enveloping it.

Seungkwan ❧ Chooses you. He wants to be a hero but he isn’t. He’ll apologize until the end of time for bringing this on both of you, he’ll be careful with the fragile and broken pieces of the two of you that the choice left behind, and take responsibility for his decision. He’ll make you happy. It’s never gonna be enough, but he’ll fill your world with every precious thing he can.

Vernon ❧ Chooses the world, but only because he believes he’ll meet you again soon. Every night he falls asleep thinking of the multiverse - there must be endless numbers of Vernons who chose you as you deserved, and there must be an equal number of Vernons who made the same choice as him and are hurting just as much.

Dino ❧ Chooses you, because he has a duty to fulfill and promises to keep. He couldn’t live with himself knowing he betrayed you like that. He promises to himself it will be a fresh start. You’ll do what you’ve always wanted together. The world always eventually heals itself. He promises to himself he’ll make it work if it’s the last thing he does - and he always keeps his promises.

#seventeen reactions #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #seventeen x reader #seventeen angst #svt angst #svt scenarios #svt reactions

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ninja-knox-ur-sox-off · 2 years

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ALRIGHT! WELCOME BACK TO ANOTHER ANALYSIS/THEORY

So I was talking to my sibs about the fact that in season 3, it oddly enough, seems like Mk is getting his powers back faster than Monkey King is, even with the meditation stuff this Monkey’s doing, which seems odd.

One of the first lessons Monkey King teaches Mk after the pilots in episode 1 Bad Weather is that “In order to have full control of your powers, you need self confidence.” And not just the flashy kind, not just the talking louder so you feel bigger, but like, true belief in yourself and your abilities.

Along with the often repeated “Just believe in yourself and you can do anything” saying he’s so fond of, which literally was the first lesson he ever taught Mk in the pilots. But what if that’s literally it.

What if the strength of Monkey King’s powers is based almost 100% on how much he believes in himself, (coupled with a lot of practice and mastery ofc because self-confidence comes from mastery) which could attest to what comes off as blind confidence sometimes and might seem frustrating to other people when he seems to refuse to admit he can’t do things. Because as long as he doesn’t admit that, he can do those things.

In Journey to the West there’s a moment when someone drops a mountain on him again and although right after being freed from the initial Mountain he was imprisoned under, which he literally picked up and chucked the moment he was freed from it, but this time his self confidence drops like a stone monkey in water (severe PTSD WOO) and he cannot lift this mountain. They have to go get these other spirits to come help lift it off of him because Monkey King is trapped.

The moment he gets trapped in his own head too much, it’s over.

(Disclaimer: I’m not saying this is actually what happens in the book as far as the reason he wasn’t able to lift the mountain, do not take this as fact or reference I just thought it was a neat detail that seems to kinda tie into this theory, but it is just a neat thought thanks.)

The next bit here could just be a storytelling choice, but I find it very interesting that both times when Mk looses his powers, the first thing the other party does is beat down his self-confidence.

When Macaque is working to take Mk’s powers, instead of building Mk’s confidence, he tears it down with the whole making Mk feel like he needs to surpass expectations to prove himself and succeed

along with changing his belief in himself and his skill, to his belief in Macaque and his teachings.

“What? But last time I couldn’t even hit it?”

“Totally. But since then you’ve had me teaching you.”

Macaque never builds Mk’s self-confidence, he redirects it to himself. Believe in me. I’m the only reason you’re succeeding. You’re a weapon trained by ME.

“Don’t you feel stronger?”

He pushes Mk to do things before he’s ready so the self-confidence just isn’t there.

And then once Mk chooses to put his trust in Macaque instead of himself, that’s when the rest of the seal is filled (also cause power usage obv) and when Macaque finally swoops in to steal his powers.

The Lady Bone Demon literally gets inside Mk’s head.

Makes him doubt his mentor and shakes his belief in himself and then beats him into the ground when he’s at his lowest and when his confidence is shattered she takes his powers one by one.

With Macaque, all Mk had to do was remember he wasn’t a weapon, Macaque’s training wasn’t what defined him, regain a bit of that confidence vibe while Monkey King never wavers in believing Mk can do the hero stuff despite the fact he’s fresh outta getting his powers stolen.

And Mk forcibly takes them back, doesn’t give up and is able to lift the staff.

After LBD Mk seems to be getting his powers back at a pretty decent rate. We see him steadily re-learn them and his self-confidence throughout the episodes, while Monkey King goes in a meditative state. (Maybe it makes the restoration go faster.) But even with that he still seems to be re-gaining them a little more slowly than Mk. Even when he goes to fight LBD, I’m not sure he has all of them back. Because I don’t think Monkey King could ever get possessed if he was at full strength—full self confidence.

Throughout their little quest to get the Samadhi fire, Mk has his family supporting him, believing in him, and waiting for him to be ready to believe in himself again.

They build him up

And even Monkey King, once he relaxes seems to give him more feedback and input than before, taking time after seeing him do something to tell him he did a good job and he knew he could do it

In comparison to what this trip was like for Monkey King. Granted, he didn’t make it easy for the people around him due to his inability to communicate unless he’s being yelled at,

but for the entirety of the trip it’s everyone but Mk is doubting him, doubting his plan, even being standoffish and accusatory at him. “SUN WUKONG YOU’LL DOOM US ALL.” yelled several times by several different people he seems to view as kinda-friends (though monkey king doesn’t seem to have friends).

And it isn’t until after they see what could have been the results of his plan that Nezha, that they all kinda step back and go “oh. he might have been onto something here.”

But by then it’s too late, and he believes they don’t have time, has just gotten yelled at harming the people he cares about which is literally like, his least favourite thing to do (literally goes and hides in a hole when he realizes he scares his FFM fam.)

LBD kinda did to him what she did to Mk. And hey, I mean everyone else around him helped too. Monkey King went into that battle extremely low on self-confidence. Nothing went according to his plan, and now he’s falling back on the last resort that he did everything he could and even risked the world and the people around him to avoid. Mans does not want to kill anyone. Not even LBD and least of all a child.

And it’s in that moment where his confidence is at it’s lowest and his self-hate is at it’s highest, that’s when LBD possesses him.

Seems like she just got lucky and hit him while he was at his low point honestly rather than planned it, but she does seem to have a habit of destroying the people around her’s mental states *looks at Macaque*.

He’s fighting the whole time but there’s no one there, he’s alone and trapped, but then there’s Mk in front of him, telling him to stop,

that he believes in him,

and he manages to stop the punch and bring it down to just a throw.

And when he finally manages to break the possession, it’s the moment when Mk stands, knowing he’s coming in for the final blow and doesn’t even turn around or look away from LBD, so unshakeable in his confidence in Monkey King, and when Sun Wukong sees that,

that is when he breaks free from the possession, the moment someone shows that unwavering unshakeable belief in him.

“Thanks for not giving up on me, bud.”

If he had given up on him, I don’t think Monkey King would have been able to break free.

Anyway, there you go, there’s your Knox theory/analysis for the day.

#Long post #Monkie Kid #LEGO Monkie Kid #knox rambles #Analysis #Monkie kid theories #Monkie kid analysis #Mk #Monkey King | Sun Wukong #anyways this is where my mind's been since last night bGKJAMOEWF

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beechersnope · 9 months

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Summer of Cum Days 16/17/18: snowballing, precome, come slut

lance/fernando, includes girl lance, facefucking, and an imbalanced sexual relationship, 1105 words

***

Every time they do this, it feels like the worst decision Fernando has ever made in his life. It should be a difficult list to top, but somehow, they manage. Sometimes he thinks that bad decisions are all he’s good at anymore.

“Slower,” Fernando tells her, his lips straining around each syllable. It’s never been so hard to remember English as it is when he’s with Lance. “Stay still. Let me do it.”

Lance is on her elbows and knees in her hotel bed. Her bed, because if Fernando ever allowed her in his, he knows she’d never leave. She’s naked, her skin slicked with sweat despite the air conditioner set as low as it’ll go. Lance always runs hot.

Fernando’s cock has been in her mouth for what feels like an hour. It probably hasn’t been that long, because whenever they do this, Lance gets so worked up that she can’t help but get a hand between her clit and the mattress to make herself come with Fernando’s dick down her throat—she knows by now that Fernando won’t do it for her no matter how many times she asks—and so far, they have yet to reach that part of the evening.

“Slow,” Fernando says again as he strengthens his grip on her high ponytail, her thick, dark hair like a length of rope in his fist. He pulls her down, nice and steady, until she has no choice but to swallow around him, her nostrils flaring as the tip of her nose nudges against his pelvis.

Fernando likes it best when it’s like this, when he has her looking up at him through heavy-lidded eyes. He knows what she wants, that if Lance got her way, he’d be fucking her through the mattress until she can’t walk. Or maybe riding him, using his cock to get herself off over and over until he can’t take anymore.

But she’s young, still, and she needs to learn self-control. She’s too clingy, too needy, wants everything all the time. She doesn’t know how to appreciate the things she has that’ll one day be gone.

“Good,” Fernando says encouragingly as Lance finally relaxes under his hands. He slowly draws his cock back out, letting her take a breath, staring at the potent mix of precome and saliva dripping from her mouth, keeping her tethered to his cock as she gasps for air. “Again.”

He’s rougher this time, fucking her face, her throat until she gags, until there’s spit pouring out of her mouth onto the duvet. She takes it. She takes all of it, everything he has to give her, and Fernando has to force himself to slow down again when she stares up at him with watery brown eyes, lashes clumping together with the beginnings of tears.

Fernando wants to touch her, wants to slap her ass, flip her onto her back so he can mouth at her breasts. He wants to come in her pussy, again and again and again. Lance makes him feral, like he could lose his mind. She isn’t the only one who needs discipline, a firm hand.

Like this, they’re on the knife’s edge. Fernando has a duty to them both to keep them from falling off.

He pulls back again. Lance sucks in a sharp breath and reaches up with one hand to grab for his cock. Fernando quickly swats it away.

Lance’s eyes go dark. “I want to make you come,” she tells him, practically throwing a tantrum about it already, though that’s usually the sort of thing that precedes these meetings, rather than occurring during the main event.

“No,” Fernando says simply before fucking back into her mouth again. That’s another advantage of doing it this way. Less talking.

If Fernando was more honest with her—himself, too—they wouldn’t do this at all. There are only two viable paths to choose from: he could quit, and get on his knees for Lance instead; or he could quit, and cut ties with her altogether.

Fernando has, stupidly, chosen to stay.

Lance stares up at him balefully as he slowly slides into the back of her throat again. He’d asked her once what his come tasted like. She’s fascinated by it, delighted even. Never stops talking about how much she loves that he gets so wet for her, that she can taste it as soon as he’s inside her mouth. She swallows every time, his cock so deep inside her that Fernando sometimes wraps a hand around her neck just to feel the slight swell of himself in her throat.

He wants to taste her just as badly, but he’ll never tell.

Fernando thinks about denying her again when he feels himself getting close. Maybe for the fourth time, or the fifth. It’s easy to lose count.

He fucks her even harder instead, his free hand coming up to cradle her cheek, her jaw as he uses her. She struggles to stay upright as she wriggles a hand under herself, the way he’s come to expect. Her tits bounce with every thrust, hard, dark nipples dragging against the mattress.

She’s so beautiful, Fernando thinks, and then he pulls almost all the way out so he can come with just the head of his cock pressed against her tongue.

They stay there like that for a long moment, and then finally, Fernando pulls out. Lance doesn’t say anything when he drops down onto his knees with a pained grunt so he can kiss her. It’s only when she shoves her tongue into his mouth that he realizes why, the sharp brine of his come still thick like batter when she gives it back to him.

It doesn’t feel spiteful, though Fernando thinks that it probably should. If Lance were smarter about all this, maybe it would be. If she were better at playing games.

Lance’s face is radiant when he opens his eyes, their mouths disconnecting with a wet smack. Fernando swallows himself down and sees her see it, watches her smile.

It’s too genuine. He wants to look away. He doesn’t.

He should ask her if she came. He should make her come. He doesn’t.

“When are you gonna fuck me?” Lance asks with a faux pout that doesn’t fully engulf her wry smile. She flops over onto her back and starfishes out on the bed, letting out a wistful sigh before letting her hands drift back down between her thighs. She’s almost absent-minded about it. Not teasing, at all. “Like, actually fuck me?” she wonders.

Never, Fernando thinks to himself. He has to draw a line somewhere.

#summerofcum2023 #f1 smut #f1 rpf #strollonso #my fic #girl lance because i love a tall queen #also at this point i think i am pretty much committed to doing a different pairing for every fill #so feel free to try and influence me into writing your faves

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lettingtimepass · 5 months

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Lokius Nation we won, but at what costs? A quick breakdown of my thoughts on the Loki Finale!

Watch on the Clock App

Transcript below!

Let’s talk about the Loki Finale.

Spoilers incoming.

Sighs deeply

As Twitter user Han (@hansoeii) put it, Lokius Nation, we won, but at what cost?

Now you might be thinking, but we didn’t get a Lokius kiss or a love confession, how could we have won?!

Let me explain…

In episode 5, when Loki is talking to Slyvie at the bar, he talks about how he wants to give his friends - and Mobius - the chance to choose. To choose to stay at the TVA or to have a life on the branch if they want. Of course, he wants Mobius to choose to have a life with him - but after the time loops and talking with HWR, he realizes this isn’t possible because he’s the only person who can make the difficult choice - To give up his own life to give everyone else the chance to choose. To finally accept his Glorious Purpose, his burden, as Mobius puts it.

The other heartbreaking part is that Loki doesn’t talk to “his” Mobius before making his decision. Because if he did, Mobius wouldn’t have let him make that decision. He wouldn’t have let him go alone. That's why Loki can’t say anything before heading down those steps.

But after all this - Mobius realizes he doesn’t have a purpose at the TVA without Loki. So he goes down to the branch to see Don and his boys - the life he could have had.

Apologies I can’t find the post, but on Tumblr someone pointed out that Mobius might have left the TVA just so Loki could see him on branch. Since the TVA exists outside of time, Loki, and formerly HWR probably can’t see directly into it, which is probably partly why HWR created Miss Minutes to keep an eye on the TVA and report back.

So Mobius goes down to a branch and stands in the light. Sylvie joins him. When we cut between these two, we see this green and gold light around only Mobius. Green and gold? Do I have to spell it out?

Finally at the end it’s revealed that Loki is watching the conversation, but we specially hear Mobius’ words echo across time. Let time pass.

I absolutely adore this post from @makkarisbelova, “Mobius wanted to just stand there and let time pass simply to feel himself in a timeline sitting in the palm of Loki’s hand.”

Loki was watching, and Mobius knew.

The fact that Mobius and then Loki are the last shots of the show solidified that whether you consider them romantic partners or best friends, their friendship is the center - the heart - of the show.

Obviously this is extremely heartbreaking and feels like it’s perpetuating the trope where gay people are never allowed to be together. BUT I will give you one more breadcrumb.

Tumblr user @kcscribbler pointed out that Loki's magic includes duplication-casting, along with time manipulation. Theoretically, he could cast a duplicate of himself into any timeline, without leaving his new throne.

So I think at some point, whether it’s right after the screen cuts to black or perhaps sometime after when they’re both ready, Loki casts a projection down to Mobius’ branch and he’s able to talk to him and explain why he did what he did. Then Mobius can finally have closure, because remember, he has no idea that Loki went through thousands of time loops trying to fix the loom. Loki can finally have all the time in the world to explain everything to Mobius, including confessing his true feelings.

It’s still not a perfect, happy ending by any means, but all things considered, I think the writers and of course the actors understood how special and important this relationship is. So please don’t be discouraged that we didn’t get a happy ending. Please keep creating art, writing fic, posting your theories, and loving them. And since we now have an infinite multiverse… everything is possible 💚

#did i just essentially write an essay on Lokius just for fun?#Yes I did #I hope this was succinct enough!#interested to see how it does on tiktok #Loki #Loki Series #Loki Tik Tok #Loki Video Essay #Loki Season 2 #Loki Finale #Loki Show #Loki Spoilers #Lokius #Lokius Nation #Loki analysis #loki theories #Mobius #Mobius. M. Mobius

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azsluttyslut · 4 months

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Priority

Azriel x Gwyn

Summary: I don’t want to be a choice, not to you, not to anyone. I want to be a priority and you can’t give me that

TW: Depression, nightmares, unrequited love (barely), mentions of SA.

Word Count: 3331

Gwyn POV

Looking at the ceiling has become an habit of the young priestess in the long hours of the night, her nightmares had become worse with each passing day, or was it just her nightmares? Maybe is the mating bond. How can someone be so attuned with another? That’s a question she ask herself every day. Gwyn has been infatuated with the shadowsinger after he rescued her, she never gave it to much thought, she wasn’t someone he would ever go for. So why the mother had to choose her for someone so powerful? She remembers the day it snapped as if was yesterday

-Flashback-

The day of Nesta and Cassian's mating ceremony was beautiful but laughable at the same time, laughable because knowing her sister she did want extravagant but not this extravagant, that has to be the High Lord's making as a thank you. Nesta told her and Emerie everything that happen when she left the blood rite. And since then the oldest Archeron haven’t had the trouble look she used to have.

She’s been more peaceful more relax, she still has the same fire she used to have, that haven’t changed at all. Gwyn is happy that her friend has found happiness after everything. And she knows that she will have her turn, but she’s not ready yet. She doesn’t trust males, well she does but just two the one who saved her and her friend’s mate. But there’s still so much work to do before she can be herself again for the outside world and not just for her sisters by choice.

Sisters.

She misses her sister all the time, and nobody would take her place ,ever, she sometimes wonder it Catrin would be proud of her? She will never know the answer to that, she wishes that she was stronger back then, that she could have saved her, but she wasn’t and she couldn’t, it still haunts her every now and then. More often than not. Before she can dwell in dark thoughts she looks up when Night Court music starts to play, announcing Nesta's entrance. She looks beautiful with a white dress, it fits her body like a glove, with silver accents that makes her look ethereal with a slit that goes from the side of her waist to the floor, adding at her sides a train skirt.

She’s so happy for Nesta, so proud of who his friend has become, scanning the guest to look for their reactions her eyes settle on the shadowsinger, who isn’t looking at Nesta at all, he’s looking at Elain the middle Archeron. With so much adoration, a look that she mirrors, one of his shadows swirl around his ear, as if whispering a secret, making his eyes snap to hers, all the while his walls shot up, masking himself in a cool calm manner. They look at each other for what feels like forever.

The eye contact made her nervous but the moment Gwyn was going to give him a small smile the bond snapped, making her eyes go wide looking at him, but just as quickly she managed to regain her composure, making Azriel shot her a puzzled look, to which she just waved her hand as nothing happened, giving him a tight smile while looking at the ceremony again, noticing that it only snapped to her.

-End of the Flashback-

When the bond snapped the priestess was terrified, with time it became an entity beside her altogether, she feels everything that he feels, specially the pain and panic at nighttime, making it feel like her own, but sometimes are her nightmares, and sometimes his. The first time she saw the nightmares that haunt him she throwed up what she ate dinner that night. She couldn't believe how someone could be so cruel to a child, children are gifts from the Mother. They should be protected, she was living proof of that, after all she let her sister died to protect them, she was punished for that too.

It’s been 6 months since it snapped, she has been avoiding her mate as much as she can, she hasn’t told anyone, she still goes training with the Valkyries, when the spymaster tries to talk to her she makes excuses about having a lot of work in the library which is not exactly a lie, but the lack of sleep is taking a toll on her, Merrill has been extra hard on her, saying she’s slacking and what kind of priestess she is if she could not do her job properly. Everything is starting to become too much as of late. The light peaking from the curtains of her room announce that its morning, adding to it another day without sleep.

Jumping out of bed with a sigh while going to her dresser to look for her leathers for training, the necklace hanging on one of the hooks on the wall caught her eye, the necklace Clotho gave her. She knows it’s from Azriel, the day he left the necklace to Clotho she was searching for her, and she saw the shadowsinger handing the necklace to the other priestess. When the priestess gave Gwyn the present she was happy, no body aside from other priestesses have gave her a gift, and the thoughtfulness of the spymaster made her smile, she never thanked him, because when it was given to her Clotho just said “it’s from a friend” but just like the hood and the evoking stone, she felt like she didn’t deserve to wear something so beautiful. She almost did wear it on Nesta's mating ceremony, but decided that it was better that she didn’t, later she realised that the gift given to her was a rejected gift from another.

The rose pedant scream Elain, the delicately pedant represents the female, Nesta mentioned that her sister loves flowers and spends most of her time tending her gardens, Gwyn should have realised it sooner, she feels stupid that she didn’t. With shaky hands she takes the necklace, she should give it back, no, she will give it back, even tho Azriel doesn’t know they are mates and is in love with Elain, she will not be a second choice and she will not be the one he has to settle for when he realised about the bond.

She was never one to believe that she would be lucky, to find her mate. But the Mother gave her one, she’s grateful for the generosity of the Mother, but before she bounds herself to a man forever, she wants to live first. Not with males, she’s not ready for that, but she doesn’t want to be the shell she becomes when she’s out of the comfort of either the library or the House of Wind when she’s with Nesta and Emerie. With that thought she goes earlier than the other to confront the Shadowsinger knowing that he’s going to be there early as always. But nothing would’ve prepared her for what she found.

Arziel POV

“You’ve been avoiding me?” The sweet voice of Elain drifts to his ears, his shadows alerted him from that fact before vanishing, they tend to do that in her presence, he didn’t understand why, he turns around to look at her, she’s beautiful, there’s no doubt about it. But he doesn’t feel the infatuation he used to had on her, maybe Rhys was right after all. He knows he has the tendency of pinning after unavailable female, and even tho Elain was a willing participant, he did it anyways knowing it was wrong.

“No, I haven’t” he lies smoothly, voice calm and collected as always “I've just been busy, with missions and training your sister, Emerie, Gwyn and the priestesses” he looks at her waiting for her reaction, it comes in a form of a frown and pursed lips.

“That never stopped you before for seeking me out” Elain huffs, getting annoyed at the indifference of the shadowsinger,or rather being on the receiving end of it, he has never seen her annoyed by anything, with Lucien it isn’t annoyance, is defiance against the Mother for not giving her a choice, and the thing is she chose someone that was just there, him, it’s funny he also defy the Mother after Solstice, when Rhysand had interrupted the almost kiss between them. But he realised that there’s no escaping fate, so he let go of Elain, he thought it was going to be hard, but it wasn’t, it has been one of the easiest things he have ever done actually.

Specially when he started to spend time with certain priestess, sometimes while helping her train, others when he used to go to the library looking for information for his mission, he made sure to always seek Gwyn, he likes her, likes the peacefulness it brings him when he’s with her, it feel like every sound, every insecurity, every thought goes out of the window as if it wasn’t there in the first place. His shadows love being surrounded by her too. At first he thought she bewitched her with her nymph heritage, but when he got to know her, he knew it wasn’t that, and that she wouldn’t do that either, it was just her. Everything about her is beautiful inside and out, their friendship had blossom after that same solstice, in the training room, that night he saw her and didn’t look away to anyone anymore. But she has been avoiding him, since his brother’s mating ceremony, for the last 6 months, but who’s counting, right? Not him for sure.

“As i told you I’ve been busy, I’m not trying be mean here Elain, but i have more important things to do than being with you, I have to go to mission to make sure everyone in this court is safe from harms way. That’s my duty as spymaster of this court” Azriel says oh so softly, trying to pacify her, and not upset her even further than she already is, if the redness of her face is any indication of it.

“You can just used me and then toss me aside like I’m just some joke to you Azriel?” she raises her voice in outrage.

“I never used you Elain, you on the other hand did. I was just a form of rebellion you used against fate, so sorry if I don’t want to be that for you anymore” he knows he’s not being fair, but it’s better this way, he prefers she hates him than go back to whatever they were doing, plus he knows that he would never be someone as pure as the middle Archeron could handle be with. His darkness will consume her until she becomes a shell of herself trying to save him from something he cannot be safe. Yes, she has her traumas but his traumas go from his childhood to his everyday. He’s not proud what he do for living but it takes something off his brother’s back so he’s happy to help Rhys with whatever he needs, even if this soul gets fracture after every mission. Maybe that’s why the Mother hasn’t bless him with a Mate because she know he destroys everything he touches.

Giving him an accusatory glare the female says “It’s because of her right?” As if she saw this outcome before anyone, and maybe she probably did. She’s a seer after all.

“Who are you referring to?” He’s confused beyond belief.

“CAMILA”

“Gwyneth, the nymph priestess” the tone in her voice makes him boil, she speaks of her like the young priestess is dirt under her shoe. And he would not allow her to speak of Gwyn that way or anyone for that matter, because he know how it feels being on the receiving end of that degrading tone. He hears it in every mission, which makes him more furious. But his mask of cool calmness doesn’t crack, he mastered that mask along time ago, not even his brothers can read him most of the time, so he’s sure she will not be able to either.

“You do not speak about her or anyone in that way Elain, just because you were spoiled all your life, it doesn’t mean you can treat people however you like. Because trust me the mask of innocence you wear doesn’t look good on you, you have fool everyone around you, but from all the time we used to spend together showed me a lot of things about you, so you want to treat people like dirt under your shoe go somewhere else, because i will not let you treat people that way in this Court, understand?” He’s impressed with himself of how calm his voice sounded, because he’s raging inside, it feels like hot lava is travelling inside his veins.

Poking his chest with her index finger and a red face full of rage she spits “You’re such an as-” A throat clears behind cutting Elain off and causing them to advert their gazes, Azriel locks eyes with teal eyes, Gwyn eyes, they are breathtaking in every sense of the word beacause specially in that moment they did knocked the air out of his lungs when the bond snapped. The shasowsinger takes a step back as if he was punch on his gut. Staring at Gwyn with his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, trying and failing to know what to say to her, he blames his shadows for his idiotic ways for not warning him about Gwyn’s presence, again.

Elain glares at Gwyn with a look can only be described as fury, making her mask of innocent, sweet Elain crack, he wonder what he saw in her? Not because he has a mate now, but because he saw the ugliness Elain has inside, the jealously, viciousness, the unadulterated rage and hate. He saw it crack multiple times, but even then he was there for her, because he knew she wasn’t meant to be for him, he can’t fix her traumas even if he wanted to, and its not his burden to fix, it never was, but he feels less like a monster when trying to save people.

“Am I interrupting something?” Gwyn says looking between Azriel and Elain, trying to decipher what is going on between the two.

“No”

“Yes, you are” they answer at the same time.

“No, Gwyn, you aren’t this conversation is over” adhering his eyes for his now mate to look at Elain “Elain hel, we’ve been over before we even began all those months ago, as i told you before, i will not be the shield you hide behind to avoid your mate, I’m tired of it, and for what i said before, you will respect this Court whether you like it or not. So please leave before Nesta and the other arrives, I don’t have time to explain why are you here in the first place” his voice is emotionless while at the same time is exasperated, he’s tired of repeating things as if talking to a toddler. Well, she’s most certainly acting like one.

With a scoff the middle Archeron storm out of the training room, knocking her shoulder with the young priestess one, maybe thinking Gwyn would stumble, but she doesn’t move an inch, just looking amused and confused, not knowing what to make about the situation in front of her.

“Sorry you had to be here to witness that” The Shadowsinger says to her softly as not trying to scare her away, knowing that they are mates, he wonders if she knows.

“Don’t worry Shadowsinger, I’m here early because I wanted to return something to you” her voice strong and confident, while reaching for her pocket and taking out a necklace, that he recognises immediately, making him freeze in spot. He told Clotho not say it was for him, and he’s pretty sure she didn’t.

Still frozen in place he ask “How do you know it was from me and why are you giving it back? I gave it away for a reason” Looking anywhere but her knowing exactly why he gave it away, and for the looks of it she does too, but he just want to be certain, to know how much he messed up.

“I was looking for Clotho that day, when I was about to round the corner i heard you saying to her to give it to me, I didn’t know what it was, but after I heard that i left” Taking a deep breath, before continuing, her expression a mixture of sadness and resignation “I’m giving it back because I know it wasn’t meant for me, I know you know we are mates Azriel, I felt your rush of emotions when it snapped to you, I came here to give you back something that was never mine, and now that you know, my only request is give me time, I’m not ready to be mated, and for the looks of it you aren’t either, I don’t want to be a choice, not to you, not to anyone. I want to be a priority and you can’t give me that” she finishes and deflates like there’s a world hanging from her shoulders, Azriel’s heart is pounding nonstop, blood rushing to his ears, sweat coating his shaky hands, not knowing what to say. He didn’t think his mate would be someone like Gwyn, she’s a fucking angel, who didn’t deserve what happened to her, but he can see why they are equals, both of them won the Blood Rite, both of them have trauma that haunts their dreams and both of them need to heal before they can start. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t pain him what she said, he shouldn’t have give her that forsaken necklace, but he did and now he has to live with it.

‘I’m sorry for giving you something meant to another, I don’t have any excuses, the only thing i can do is apologise, I’ll give you as much time and space as you need, but before that i have something to tell you, you were never an option, i gave you that necklace not just because it was rejected, but because you deserve something beautiful after what happened to you, that was my thought when i gave Clotho the necklace, and you are a priority, you haven’t realised it but after that night on solstice i tried to spend a lot of my time with you, I was consumed by you, by the peace you bring to me, I didn’t know why, but now i do, I’m not asking you to stay and make things work, all I’m asking is for you to come back to me when you are ready, because I’ll be waiting even if you decide that you don’t want me, I know I’m not worthy of you, hel I’m not worthy of anything good, but if you decide to give me a chance, give us a chance, I’ll try and be someone worthy” he vows to her, looking straight to her eyes and sending all his emotions through the bond, showing her how much he means every word out of his mouth.

The redhead female adverts her eyes, not able to look in those hazel eyes, knowing that if she looks her decision will change “You are worthy Azriel, how you see yourself just proves how you are not ready for this, the two of us have our own issues to heal before we can be anything, our perception of ourselves are not good, I’ll continue training, we will see each other often, but for the time being we have to go our separate ways.” With that the priestess turn around and left when the others start to fill the training room, leaving Azriel’s heart and soul a little more fractured, but he vows to start to be better, for her, and for him.

A/N: sorry lovers, I’ve been really busy with uni stuff, I had this in drafts for the last two weeks incomplete, and i just finished it now! Enjoy and as i said before I appreciate any constructive criticism and feedback. Oh and I’m not sure if there will be just a part two or more parts. Thank you 🫶🏼

#azriel shadowsinger #acotar #cassian #gwynriel #nesta acotar #gwynriel supremacy #azriel spymaster #azriel angst #gwynriel angst #gwyn acotar #gwyneth berdara

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depressedhouseplant · 25 days

Text

Just Fucking Write - Day 83

Prompt: Grief

Tags: Suicidal ideation, death

A/N: This is part of a larger work. You’ll see today’s 100 words somewhere else

Grief is a strange creature. Sometimes it’s crying until you’re sure you’re dehydrated. Sometimes it’s cursing God for taking someone you love but dictators, Nazis, and racists are alive and well. Sometimes it’s feeling like your heart was ripped from your chest when you find a pair of socks they gave you as a gag gift. Sometimes it’s an emptiness that refuses to go away. Sometimes it’s all of those at once.

Feeling everything at once is how Wooyoung found himself sitting on the ledge. The literal ledge of a parking garage. He’d done the math. If he dove, he’d land on his head, snap his neck, and that would be the end. It would all be over.

“I thought I’d find you here,” a voice said from behind him.

“Go away,” he snapped.

“No,” the other boy stepped beside him.

“You gonna watch me kill myself? That’s a little sick even for you,” Wooyoung refused to look at his friend.

“That was not my porn and you know that,” he replied.

“Fine. Can you leave now?” Wooyoung huffed. The other boy climbed on the ledge next to him.

“Do you really want the last thing you remember before you die is being alone?”

“I’ll be dead. By definition I won’t have any memories,” he finally looked over at his friend. “Do you want the last memory of me dead?”

“No, but if you’re going to do it anyway then you’ve got someone here to call the medics to scrape your dead ass off the pavement,” the brunette shrugged.

“Seriously? You’re insane,” he said.

“I’m not the one ready to jump,” the other boy gave him a pointed look.

“Just leave, Yeosang,” Wooyoung was getting choked up. He was supposed to do this alone. He was tired. He was so fucking tired. Yeosang reached out and took his hand.

“I’m not gonna let go,” he squeezed Wooyoung’s hand.

“This isn’t fucking Titanic. This is not a you jump, I jump scenario,” Wooyoung glared.

“You always were a romantic,” Yeosang looked forward. “The city is pretty tonight.”

“Why can’t you just let me go?” Wooyoung asked.

“Because, for better or worse, I love you. I don’t appreciate the fact that you’d force me to go through the pain of losing someone I love all over again, but I suppose that’s on you,” Yeosang sighed.

“You did not go there,” Wooyoung tried to wrench his hand away, but Yeosang held on tighter.

“Yes I fucking did. I lost him too in case you forgot,” his friend finally lost his patience.

“I know,” Wooyoung said quietly.

“But you’re totally fine with killing yourself and leaving me to grieve two people. Of course it hurts. It’s going to keep hurting. You don’t ever get over losing someone. You learn to live with the pain. You learn to live with part of your heart missing. You hear me, Wooyoung? You learn to live,” Yeosang flung his legs back over the wall and hauled Wooyoung off with him.

“Let go!” Wooyoung protested. Yeosang was strong for his size so getting out of a bear hug was almost impossible.

“No,” Yeosang hugged him tighter. “You’re gonna get your head out of your ass and stop being so fucking selfish.”

“How are you not ready to jump? What do you know that I don’t?” Wooyoung kept wiggling.

“Because you know what’s worse than living? Leaving everyone you love behind and they question for the rest of their lives if there was something they could’ve done. Don’t give me that leaving a note bullshit either. That makes it worse,” Yeosang told him. “Ask yourself if this is what he’d want. Then you have your answer.”

Wooyoung squeezed his eyes closed in an effort to stop the tears. He knew the answer. He knew San wouldn’t want this. If there was an afterlife, he’d rip Wooyoung a new one for choosing to die when he had no choice.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He hugged Yeosang back.

“I know,” his best friend whispered back. “Can we go home now?”

“Yes,” Wooyoung sniffed into Yeosang’s shoulder. Yeosang didn’t reply and walked them back to his car, put Wooyoung in, and drove them back to their apartment.

#just fucking write 2k24 #ateez fanfic #read the tags

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granulesofsand · 2 months

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Good gay/night/else, Dune! Never wrote you (probably, I don't remember) but now I have a question and wander if you guys can know answer. Do not answer if what is inside makes you feel uneasy or bad or smth else, take care of yourselves, you are one of my favourite blogs to follow

TW for programming, brief mention of torture, sex and missing limbs (nothing detailed, not real gore)

So.

1) our whole life (as we remember it) our legs sometimes just deactivate randomly during day. We always needed to spend some time to make them work again

2) as we understood more about being system, we noticed that "no-no legs" is actually switching to somebody

3) it's nonhuman alter that "smells" like somebody related to sex, thinking about itself as thing made for sex

4) we probably have programming and do wander if it's programmed alter or smth like this

We have bad feelings about it. It feels very wrong. We wonder if you have ever seen something like this or expiriensed it. We heared only about hc-did systems being tortured aka programmed to think that body misses limbs, but we don't remember anything like this and we never had even big bruises in childhood, our parents would notice

🗝️🏷️ programming/torture and deprogramming details, sex and sexuality, RAMCOA in general

We’ve heard of a few similar experiences, and I’m fairly certain all of the ones I’m thinking of were from RAMCOA systems. I’m going to respond to each of the numbers as best I can, and we’ll see how that goes.

1) That sounds like dissociative paralysis (assuming y’all don’t have a physical condition causing it), which I’ve seen in both system members who thought that body part was absent or who had to hold the body in a certain position.

The main thing is that whoever is paralyzed doesn’t know they can move the body part that isn’t working. I have read about system members coming to this conclusion on their own, but even then it was usually because they were conditioned into it while forming.

Programs that can have this effect on legs include: doll/puppet, animal (especially snakes or those whose limbs don’t work like humans’), statue, and any punishments that were targeting that body part.

2) It could be switching, passive influence (especially if the one doing it is less elaborated) or someone whose job it is to turn on that paralysis (it can look like a button, a switch, a lever, a book, anything). The best way to find out (if you can’t observe them do the thing) is by asking.

We’ve seen some of your posts about conflict between alters, and, from experience, people who don’t trust you don’t tend to answer. Building rapport has to come first, otherwise you risk punishment and retaliation.

Reassuring them that there won’t be consequences (only if it’s true) and writing it out somewhere the others won’t stumble upon it can help, because there’s less chance of someone hurting them and it might get around don’t-talk rhetoric if they’ve been taught it.

3) The non-humanness of the alter doesn’t necessarily imply they’re programmed, but smelling like a perp (or anyone, really) is something I’ve never heard for by-chance alters. The believing they’re made for sex can be tended to the same regardless of origin, and looking to programmed survivors might help kick-start the healing process purely because it’s a common belief for programmed alters.

We usually start the same for anyone who has strict self-concepts like this, which is by giving them choices wherever possible. Simple things, yes-no questions like if they want ketchup with fries (and giving them space to choose outside the yes-no as long as it isn’t causing harm), then open-ended questions like what their favorite fruit is, then slightly more abstract ones like what their favorite color is.

You& can skip the orange paragraph, it has to do with sex and sexuality.

If that doesn’t work, we move to treating it as a sexual problem. Sometimes we have to get their attention by putting on (ideally non-harmful, or fictional is the next step) porn or using the kind of touch they’re used to (but let them do it or keep it to your most trusted systemmates, then move to your& most trusted outside people) and then packing in as much information as they can hold while you’re around them.

A harm reduction approach helps to make progress without immediately demanding perfection. Decide what the end goal is for this person and set incremental targets. Celebrate every target met, even if it’s not how you envisioned it happening.

4) If it is programmed, there are a lot of ways for perps to get this reaction without causing marks. Holding the position, for example, or limiting the amount of space that person had to move around could have them maintaining that behavior when they no longer need to. Hiding their legs or a larger impact could have them believing their legs aren’t usable without damaging the skin.

Our system consensus is that programming is the intention and the effect, and if the conditioning had both, it counts. You& don’t have to agree with that, and labels are always optional. You& can address the symptoms without naming the cause, or you can give it another name if ‘programming’ isn’t helpful.

The discomfort (or other bad feeling, if that’s too mildly connotated for you&) could be leaking over from those who do remember, or it could be that you’re recognizing something is strange about the situation. Human brains are very good at picking up on subtle details, and trusting that something is up because of those alarms is generally healthy.

Still do try to treat everyone with dignity and respect, including if they feel wrong, but have plans for going forward in both cases, whether the feeling is correct or not. Especially with trauma, it’s easy to decide someone isn’t worth helping, and that’s not conducive to healing whatever wounds are present here.

I’m glad you’re& noticing members in pain, even if you& can’t or aren’t ready to help them yet. Creating bonds and strengthening them will keep your system on a different path from whatever your& perps intended, and spite is a hell of a motivator. I believe in your& ability to heal, pitfalls and lapses included.

#ramcoa #cdd system #adaptive system #ec did #hc did #pg did #tw ramcoa #ramcoa programming

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professor-rye · 21 days

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10, 20, 30, 40 for the weird writer asks!

Thank you for sending me some questions! Apologies in advance for how much I ended up rambling 😅

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Oh gosh. Definitely Dapple. I was worried that I wouldn’t finish the very beginning idea I had (which ended up just being act 1), so I’m sure you can imagine my surprise when not only did I finish that, but then it kept going… and going… *and going.* I’ve always been good at coming up with ideas for long fics, but never before (or since) have I ever been able to actually *stick* with writing them, let alone so consistently. For some reason, for Dapple, my ADHD brain said “This is your life now and you are addicted”. It literally was what kept me on this earth for a while there. It unironically saved my life. And then it just… disappeared.

My brain no longer wanted to think about it, and it was only habit keeping me going for a while there. I pushed past that point way too far and got burnt out, and I’m still waiting, desperately hoping, that the floodgates will open again. And not just because I want to finish it, mind you. Like I said, writing and posting dapple did so much good for me. It was a safe harbor in a storm. It helped me process some of the worst traumas in my life. It got me *so many friends*. I can not express enough how much I miss it. …. Gods, okay, that got way deeper than I intended. Apologies! Gods… well uh, on to the next question!

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you've always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch

Well, after the last question, I think the answer is probably obvious lol. No question at all, I would pick to perfectly finish Dapple (Gods, and if that also let me get the sequel idea I had as well?? And also all the side fics??? Shit I would sell my soul for that). (It also doesn’t help that I am ace and have trouble contemplating the idea of magically gifted eternal happiness, so like… it was just very stacked in Dapple’s favor already)

30. Talk to me about the role dreams play in your writing life. Have you ever used material from your dreams in your writing? Have you ever written in a dream? Did you remember it when you woke up?

So, its kind of complicated? I am very much so that writer who just daydreams about fic ideas as I lay down to sleep every night, so there is a very hazy period during the in between where sometimes I’ll get ideas that I can actually remember the next morning.

But I don’t think they’re actual dreams, because my normal dreams tend to be a) incredibly stressful and b) about the most boring stuff imaginable, which is quite the combo.

But I will say that the pre-sleep daydreaming feels so different from any other actual plotting that I do. It’s very… gods, how do you describe this…

There’s a thing I learned in art school where you step away from your composition and squint till you can only see the hazy outlines of the different elements of the work. Or like when they tell you to turn the painting upside down for a bit to see what isn’t working. The pre-sleep daydreaming always involves reimagining the scenes I had already thought about during more lucid moments, but looking at the broader strokes and the pure emotion of it (because sleepy).

So most of the “ideas” I got from those moments were realizations that certain elements didn’t quite work the way I wanted them to, and then once I was actually lucid, I could think back on it and then (sometimes) realize a better way to handle that particular part.

So… yeah? It’s hard to say if that counts as dreams specifically, but it’s also a really big part of my writing… existence? Process feels weird to say there lol. But yeah, it felt relevant to share.

Gods, I’m rambling again. Last question!

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

(not me taking several days to find this poem because my memory is terrible and I kept mixing up the line I was searching)

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often kind. And much can never be redeemed. Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this is its way of fighting back, that sometimes something happens better than all the riches or power in the world. It could be anything, but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb. ~ Mary Oliver

So yeah, if anyone else wants to send questions, here is the original question list post thingy. I will try not to ramble quite so much next time 😅

#my writing #writer ask game #dappled shadow and penumbral light #fan fiction writing

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missmentelle · 2 years

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Hi. I am wondering how someone like you or people in similar professions cope with so much pain from other people? I imagine most people who choose these kinds of professions are people with high empathy and people who want to help other people. But the fact that you just can’t help everyone, when you see how much pain and suffering so many people are in, isn’t it hard to bear? Or actually, you can’t really help anyone, you can only try to be there and be a sort of guide in what they themselves decides they want to heal/change. You can’t MAKE anyone heal, in the end it’s all up to them, no matter how much you want to and try to. How do you detach yourself from their pain and the outcome, when at the same time you need to be empathetic and invested in their life and emotions? What do you tell yourself? How does one manage that balance of not either becoming indifferent and shutting off empathy or become consumed by their emotions and worrying sick for them and wanting to interfere? I find it really difficult to cope with. (I’m not in this profession but I have considered it, this is just a big problem for me) It pains me a lot when people around me are hurting, even watching/reading/hearing news is so difficult for me that I avoid it, because I just want to make it better and help somehow but I can’t, not enough at least. Because I’m the end I need to leave it up to themselves.

To be honest, after nearly a decade in this field, the thing I struggle the most with is not the people who don't want to be helped - people have the right to make their own decisions, and I can make peace with that. What I really struggle with is seeing the many, many people who desperately want help, but have no opportunity to receive it.

I have worked with homeless and insecurely-housed youth for most of my career. I have watched many, many youth that I have cared about cause a lot of harm to themselves and others, despite doing my best to give them support and connect them to the right resources. You are absolutely right - you cannot make someone heal, and sometimes people are simply not in a place where they are ready to start the healing process, or even to start thinking more critically about their actions and experiences. Sometimes, people never get to that point - I have known a lot of people who did not get to live to see 25. That's an enormously painful and heavy thing. I remember the name and face of every youth I have ever lost, and there are countless more that I worry about all the time, even if I am no longer part of their lives.

It's not easy to cope with that kind of pain, but I find (I think) healthy ways to manage it. I do have to remind myself that it is not my role to save people; it is my role to do the best I can to provide the best support I can for whatever amount of time I have with a person, and I think I do that for all the folks that I work with. The support that I can give to a young person is not nothing, even if their stories do not have happy endings - if I can give a young person even a single day where they felt listened to and heard, even if I could not solve the problems, that is a worthwhile thing. My goal is not to steer people toward "good" decisions - my goal is to offer accurate information and a space for people to think critically about their decisions, and make informed choices about the decisions and risks that they feel are best for them. I am at peace with the work that I personally do with the clients I work with.

What I am not at peace with is the system I work within. For every client I work with who simply doesn't want help, I have dozens who are screaming out for it and are unable to get it. At the moment, I manage a short-term residential program for youth in crisis. The youth we work with have so many needs - they need housing. They need stability. They need a mental health appointment that isn't eight months away. They need reliable access to their prescriptions. They need educational and employment opportunities that are meaningful to them, with the supports they need to succeed. And for most of them, those basic supports are simply... not available. It doesn't matter how ready and eager the youth is; waitlists for basic services are months or even years long, and there's just nothing that any one individual worker can do to fix that overnight. It is not realistic to expect a person to make huge progress with their mental heath while they are living on a cot at an emergency housing program, cared for by a constantly-revolving cast of strangers, and yet that is what our system requires of its most vulnerable young people. Our system is pointlessly cruel, and benefits almost nobody. That part, I struggle with a lot.

As far as working in the field goes, I now supervise a large team of other professionals, and these are feelings that I help my staff work through in their own practice. The best advice I can give to people in the helping professions - or people potentially interested in a career there - to maintain your own mental health in the face of so much suffering is:

Take breaks. Use single every minute of your paid time off. Sometimes you need to take a break from a particular setting or even from the field entirely; if you feel burnout or despair or nihilism starting to creep up on you, start looking for an exit route. There will always be more jobs in social work/healthcare/emergency response, etc, but there is only one you.

Have a life outside of helping. I can't work full-time in this field and also spend every spare minute of my free time on activism and volunteering in this field. Perhaps some people can manage that, but if I tried it, my rage would simply consume me. I need other hobbies and interests if I'm going to be a functional person - whether it's painting, Netflix, novels, working out, cooking, time with friends, sports, camping or cars, everyone needs something they just enjoy.

Have a good supervisor. Obviously this is easier said than done, but if you are working in a field where you are constantly exposed to others' suffering and trauma, you should expect to have a supervisor who is available to debrief, discuss, vent and provide helpful feedback on the work you're doing. Supervision needs to be a safe space where you can speak openly about your struggles. If you do not have a supervisor who is doing that for you, it might be time to start the hunt for a new, more supportive job.

Remember your role. If I task myself with personally saving the whole world and fixing all of the problems I will lose my goddamn mind. I think it's important to remind ourselves "This is my role, this is the support I can provide, this is how I will know that I am doing a good job". "Saving people" can never be the goal I assign myself; if my role is to have supportive conversations and make connections to resources, I need to remind myself that those are the things I need to evaluate myself on and that I am doing a great job by doing that well, even if I am not "fixing" the client's entire life.

Remember your clients' autonomy. I think it's actually incredibly harmful for people in the helping professions to entertain the idea that they can "save" people, or that the outcome of someone's life is all dependent on how they do their jobs - I think that harms the professional as well as the client. We need to remember that we are not there to make people's choices for them. If a client continues to engage in "high-risk" behaviour, but they are well informed of the risk and know where they can find information and resources on managing that risk, that is a successful outcome, even if it doesn't instinctively "feel" like one.

Compartmentalize. Going home after work and staying up all night worrying about my clients might seem like an empathetic thing to do, but it benefits no one - it doesn't change their circumstances and just burns me out faster, leaving them with less support. Obviously we are all human and it can be hard to "switch off" concern and thoughts about clients after leaving work, but I think it's a skill that is important to develop over time. It might feel cold to think "okay, it's 5:05, no more thinking about clients until 9am tomorrow", but doing this allows me to be more effective in the hours that I am actually available to provide support.

I would honestly encourage anyone in the helping professions who is struggling to seek mental health support for themselves. Many therapists have their own therapist. It is, truthfully, not easy to process the sheer amount of pain and suffering we see on a daily basis, and I think it's actually very important for all of us to seek the appropriate professional help with it, and not simply "suck it up" and push away our own pain because our clients are suffering more. And, ultimately, this profession is just not for everyone. Some people are able to do this work and still enjoy their own lives, but some people simply are not, and there is absolutely no shame in admitting that to yourself. It is okay to realize that being exposed to that level of pain every day will harm you, and that that's not something you're able to take on - there are ways to help that don't involve such constant direct exposure to human misery, and we all need to keep ourselves healthy before we are able to help others. Hope this answers your question! MM

#answeredbyMM

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nightmare-in-happy-tree-town · 21 days

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Chapter 0: Welcome To Town

Flippy was currently in therapy for assistance with controlling his PTSD. He’s been feeling guilty for years because of all of the massacre he has caused, but he is also curious about the curse of the town. He had so many questions that were left unanswered.

“Ever since the war ended, I’ve felt nothing but pain… both mentally and physically. I just don’t know what to do with myself…” Flippy explained, laying down on a massage table.

“Well, it’s good that you know not to suffer in silence, Flippy.” Lumpy replied, as he was taking notes in his notepad.

“You’re making the right choice by coming to me to get some help with your PTSD.” Lumpy also said as he finished writing notes and put his notepad down.

“Well yes, but I’m just so afraid…” Flippy whimpered.

“What are you afraid of, Flippy?” Lumpy asked, as he put his hand on Flippy’s forehead.

“I’m afraid of… I’m afraid of what people will think of me. I’m afraid that people will just see me as this psychotic and sadistic serial killer and be afraid of me. I know I’m not like that at all, but I think I’ve reached the point of being afraid of… myself…” Flippy explained, trembling in fear.

Lumpy looked at Flippy in sympathy as Flippy covered his eyes, sobbing quietly.

“I just… fucking… hate myself…! I’ve been… scarred… for life…! And I… can’t change that..!” Flippy sobbed.

“Hey, hey, Flippy! Don’t say that about yourself… I’m not afraid of you. Nobody is! And you shouldn’t feel ashamed of yourself for who you are.” Lumpy explained.

Flippy then moved his hands away from his eyes that were filled with tears.

“You… you really mean that?” Flippy asked quietly.

“Of course I do! I’m not here to criticise you, Flippy. I’m here to help you. We can all help you! You just need to stop dwelling on the past and to stop being so hard on yourself.”

Lumpy responded.

Flippy then sat up and looked at Lumpy with tears still flowing in his eyes. Lumpy then sighed as he looked down and put his hand over his head and said,

“Now, I know I’m not the most intelligent critter around here, but I understand that moving on can be difficult sometimes, but you’ll eventually learn to accept that you can’t change the past, and that you’ll just have to move on from it.”

“And remember, it’s not really YOU who’s doing all the killing. It’s that Fliqpy guy, isn’t it?” Lumpy asked.

“Well, yes. You’ve got a point there. It’s not really ME who’s causing all the murders. But Fliqpy is just so… I don’t know, identical to me! He makes it look like I’m the one who’s killing everyone!” Flippy replied.

“But what makes things even worse is that we have to deal with being killed on a daily basis. And it’s all because of this curse that’s in this town… No matter how gruesomely someone is killed, they wake up the next day perfectly fine, like it never even happened. It really bewilders me…” Flippy explained.

Lumpy then turned Flippy’s head over to him and wiped his tears and said,

“Yeah, I see what you mean. I don’t really understand the curse either… none of us do. Well, except a few, like Flaky. I don’t get why we come back to life the next day after we’re brutally killed. I mean, it’s reliving that we don’t have to worry about being permanently dead, but knowing that you’re going to get killed at some point every day it’s quite the torment if you ask me. I understand because I’ve been killed on several occasions.”

“I don’t think I’ve died a lot, only about 4 or 5 times…” Flippy said.

“I wish I was lucky like Splendid. He’s only died like, once. Maybe even twice…” Lumpy said as he thought for a moment.

“But my point is, just don’t let all of this get to your head, Flippy. Don’t let that mean Fliqpy guy get the best of you! I know that you’re not the one causing trouble in this town! You’re more than just a neighbour to me, Flippy. You’re one of my bestest friends I’ve ever had! And none of Fliqpy’s killing sprees will ever change that. If I had to choose between 100 okay friends and 1 best friend, I’d chose that 1 best friend. And do you want to know who that 1 best friend is?” Lumpy explained.

Flippy looked down for a moment then back up at Lumpy and asked,

“Who?”

“It’s you, Flippy.” Lumpy replied.

Flippy blushed lightly and put his hand over his head and said,

“Aw, shucks…”

Flippy wiped his eyes a little more since there was still some tears in them and then he hugged Lumpy in appreciation.

“Thank you, Lumpy. I really needed to hear all of that. I’m glad I have a friend like you to comfort me and help me get through things.” Flippy said.

Lumpy hugged Flippy back and said,

“No problem, pal. That’s what best friends are for! And remember, you can talk to anyone if something is bothering you. You can come back to therapy and see me at anytime!”

“I will. I definitely will.” Flippy said.

Flippy and Lumpy then let go of each other and said their goodbyes as Flippy left the room. Flippy headed back to his house, feeling more comfortable about himself. He went into his room and sat on his bed, still being curious about the town’s curse.

“It’s just so strange that we’re resurrected the next day after we die. I just don’t understand it! I mean, being killed daily is just absolute torture! Especially if Fliqpy is the one causing most of the deaths…” Flippy said to himself.

“And how do only some of the critters actually remember what happened to them? Flaky is definitely one of them, and I feel like she’s the only one who really understands about me and my PTSD and what triggers it.” Flippy explained.

“What could possibly be causing this? Or the better question is… WHO is possibly causing this?” Flippy questioned to himself.

Flippy sighed and said,

“Maybe I’m just overthinking this. I should just take one of my anxiety pills and go to bed.”

Flippy went to the bathroom and opened up a cabinet with pills inside and took one of his anxiety pills.

“Hmm… actually no. Taking only one pill usually doesn’t work… I need a few more.” Flippy said.

Flippy then took several anxiety pills and sighed in relief as he put the pills back in the cabinet and closed it. He stared into the mirror for a moment and then he finally went to his bedroom and into his bed and yawned.

“I should probably just sleep on things. Tomorrow is another day. I’ll deal with all of this in the morning.” Flippy said as he finally went to sleep.

Everything turned pitch black as Flippy hyperventilated. He woke up, but he realised that he wasn’t in his bedroom. It was really dark, and he couldn’t see anything.

“Wh… Wha…? What the fuck? What is this? Hello? Hello?! Is anyone there? Where the hell am I?!” Flippy questioned.

A very familiar voice then said,

“Your mind has become unstable.”

“Huh? Wait, I feel like I know that voice… And what does that even mean?” Flippy asked.

“You couldn’t get your mental illness under control.” The familiar voice said.

“I- I don’t get this. What are you talking about?!” Flippy asked.

“If you escape this nightmare, then you might get some answers.” The familiar voice explained.

“Wh… What? Hello? Creepy voice? You still there? Oh god… I can’t even see! It’s way too dark! I don’t even know what’s happening right now…” Flippy exclaimed.

Flippy continued to hyperventilate until the place brightened up. Flippy noticed that he was in Happy Tree Town, but it wasn’t in a good state. Most of the buildings were destroyed, and the trees had no leaves on them.

“Oh, I can see better now. OK, what was that voice? Who was that? Hey, this place looks really familiar… It looks just like home… but it’s so… fucked up… Is this reality or a dream? Or should I say… A nightmare.” Flippy said.

“Well, the voice told me that if I can escape the nightmare, then I might get some answers. He also mentioned that I couldn’t get my mental illness under control… Is this about me being stressing about my PTSD? Look, I don’t have time for this! I want answers NOW! Ugh… Fine, I’ll play your stupid game, okay?! Just as long as it lets me escape this damn nightmare!” Flippy exclaimed.

“Well, regardless if this is reality or just a dream, I guess I have no other choice but to just get this over with and escape this nightmare. This is gonna be really frightening… I just know it. I don’t know what to expect, but… I guess I’ll just have to see what awaits for me in this nightmare.” Flippy accepted.

Flippy then walked forward for a while and noticed four different areas surrounding him.

“Whoa, where have I seen these places before?” Flippy questioned.

Flippy then noticed a tape recorder on the ground.

“Is that a tape recorder? Maybe it can help me figure out what the hell is going on around this place.” Flippy said as he picked up the tape recorder and pressed play.

It had a text to speech voice and it explained the instructions that Flippy had to follow.

“Hello, and welcome to Happy Tree Town. You must be new here. You’re… actually alive, right? This place isn’t the way it used to be. Some of the critters who lived here died in very graphic ways. But there’s been a lot of paranormal activity happening around this place. Apparently the critters who died here have been… moving around. They might have become undead, like theres spirits possessing their corpses and bringing them back to life, controlling them like puppets. But don’t be afraid, I’m here to help you keep them under control so they don’t try to attack you, because if they do attack you, then uh… Let’s just say you’ll end up like them. And you wouldn’t want that to happen. Trust me.” The tape recorder explained.

“O-OK…” Flippy stuttered.

“So if you turn to your left, you’ll see a big treehouse.” The tape recorder said.

Flippy turned to his left and noticed the treehouse. He then walked towards the treehouse and climbed up the ladders to the treehouse.

“Isn’t that Disco Bear’s house?” Flippy questioned.

“That is Disco Bear’s house.” The tape recorder said, answering Flippy’s question.

“OK yeah, it is. Thought so.” Flippy said.

“Disco Bear adores dancing, mainly at night. Get prepared, because he will cause your flashlight to flicker if you leave him unattended for too long. To stop him from killing you, blind him by shining your flashlight at him.” The tape recorder explained.

Flippy then opened the door and turned on his flashlight, but no one was there.

“There’s no one here. Disco Bear? You there?” Flippy called out, but there was no answer.

“OK… so if my flashlight begins to flicker, I need to go to him quickly and shine my light at him. Got it.” Flippy said as he closed the door.

“Now if look behind you, you’ll notice a small forest nearby.” The tape recorder said.

“Oh yeah, I see it! Flippy said.

Flippy went down the ladders and went towards the forest.

“That is Cuddles’ Wood. Cuddles isn’t feeling like himself anymore. Visit him in the wood to keep him in check, but if he’s extremely close, RUN BACK INSTANTLY!” The tape recorder explained.

“OK, OK! Don’t need to shout. Sheesh, I got it. I’ll run away as soon as I see him up close. So, this is where Cuddles stays, huh?” Flippy asked.

Flippy shined his light, but once again, no one was in sight.

“He’s not here. OK, so if Cuddles is really close, I need to run away to immediately, because I really don’t want to know what will happen if I don’t.” Flippy said as he left the forest.

“Now if you look to your right, you’ll find a big party area. That is Toothy’s Party Area.” The tape recorder said.

“Toothy?” Flippy asked as he went towards the party area.

“Toothy enjoys eating cake, so don’t forget to give him a slice every now and then. Offer him with pleasure to stop him from making you suffer the consequences.” The tape recorder.

“Oh, so all I have to do is feed him some cake? Seems simple enough.” Flippy said as he shined his light, but no one was there once again.

“None of them seem to be here. Is this like a tutorial or something? It’s gotta be. But wait a second, how am I going to give Toothy some cake? Where can I even get the cake from?” Flippy asked as he left the party area.

“If look next to you, you’ll see a big bakery that’s connected to the party area.” The tape recorder said.

“Wait what? Oh! This must be it!” Flippy said as he ran to the bakery and shined his light. He noticed that there was a cake and a cake knife.

“This is the Happy Tree Bakery. Cut a slice of cake for Toothy so he can be left satisfied for the night.” The tape recorder explained.

“Oh, OK. So this is where I have to get the slice of cake for Toothy. I’ll make sure to get him his cake, because I feel like if I don’t, it’s gonna really piss him off. And I really don’t want to make him or just anyone around here angry.” Flippy said.

Flippy then left the Happy Tree Bakery.

“OK, let’s just recap real quickly. So Disco Bear, shine the light at him. Cuddles, if he’s close, run away. And Toothy, give him a slice of cake. Got it. Hopefully I can remember all of this. I mean, I should. The instructions aren’t too difficult to memorise. I think I’ll be fine.” Flippy explained.

“Alright, you’re all set to go. I’ll see you again tomorrow night and good luck.” The tape recorder said as it finally ended.

“Oh man, here we go… I’m pretty nervous, but I think I’m ready to do this. OK, let’s do it.” Flippy said.

Everything then went black again.

“Oh! Oh no, it’s gone all dark again! What’s happening? Wait, did I do it? Is that it? Is that all for tonight?” Flippy asked.

Flippy then noticed that there was a coin on the ground.

“Hey, what’s that? Some kind of coin?” Flippy questioned.

Flippy then picked up the coin and the familiar voice came back and said,

“Congratulations, you got the Happy Tree Token.”

“Oh, I got the Happy Tree Token? That’s cool, I guess. But what am I supposed to do with it, exactly?” Flippy asked, but before he could get an answer, he finally woke up, escaping his nightmare, for now.

“Aah! Oh, I’m awake! So it really was only a dream. Thank goodness none of that was real.” Flippy said in relief.

“Oh Jesus… That was so damn terrifying… But… what was the meaning behind that dream? Why did I even have that dream?” Flippy asked himself.

“Oh… It might have been because I took too many anxiety pills. Maybe that’s what the familiar voice meant when it said that I couldn’t get my mental illness under control. And I’m sure it was referring to my PTSD. I need to take less anxiety pills next time….”Flippy realised.

Just then, Flippy’s bedroom door slammed open, making him jump in fright. The door opened to reveal Lumpy who asked,

“Flippy! Are you feeling alright?”

“Oh! It’s only you, Lumpy. Yes, I’m OK. I just had a very strange dream… I really hope I don’t experience it again…” Flippy replied.

“I don’t think you will, Flippy. You’ll be alright. Hey, you want to come to the carnival with me? It might help you take your mind off things.” Lumpy offered.

“Oh, of course! That sounds great. I’d love that. It would help me feel better.” Flippy replied.

“OK, let’s get going then!” Lumpy said.

“I’m right behind you.” Flippy said as he got out of this bed and followed Lumpy out of his room.

This was only the beginning for Flippy. There was much more to come and Flippy seemed to be prepared to conquer the nightmare, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t afraid. He was fearful of the unknown, but he just had to get through what the nightmare had to offer him.

#htf #htf au #htf flippy #htf fanart #htf fandom

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v-67 · 6 months

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Completed The cat who saved books by Sosuke Natsukawa and lemme tell you. This is such a beautiful book. It was so beautifully written and the labyrinths so amazingly portrayed.

It was very simple. It stated the obvious things. And it made a point to remind us that The obvious is no longer obvious in today's world. And these words deeply resonated with me.

I'm happy I read this book, and I'd recommend everyone to give it a read too.

Rintaro and his way through the grief, his personal journey, his finding himself, everything about this book has a personal touch. Because we're all humans and in whichever way we deal with things, sometimes things are just, stuck. This book reminds us of things that should be remembered.

I have a lot to say, and maybe what I've said above would not make much sense, but I'm okay with it. So here I'm sharing some of the lines that I loved from this beautiful book.

And some of the lines which deeply resonated with me and some which gave me a reality check.

But whatever it was, he had decided it was time to strike out on his own. There was no such thing as having no choice. Rintaro knew that now. There were many roads to choose from. What was important was not to let yourself roll along aimlessly, but to pick a road.

It’s all very well to read a book, but when you’ve finished, it’s time to set foot in the world.

Reading isn’t only for pleasure or entertainment. Sometimes you need to examine the same lines deeply, read the same sentences over again. Sometimes you sit there, head in hands, only progressing at a painstakingly slow pace. And the result of all this hard work and careful study is that suddenly you’re there and your field of vision expands. It’s like finding a great view at the end of a long climbing trail.

“If you’re going to climb, make it a tall mountain. The view will be so much better.”

In the end, chopped-up sentences were nothing more than fragments.

Hurrying means that you miss out on many things.

“This is the speed at which this song should be heard. Fast-forwarding sucks.”

In our stifling daily lives, we’re all so occupied with ourselves that we stop thinking about others. When a person loses their own heart, they can’t feel another’s pain. They lie, they hurt others, use weaker people as stepping-stones to get ahead—they stop feeling anything. The world has become full of those kinds of people.”

Don’t hurt anyone. Never bully people weaker than yourself. Help out those in need. Some would say that these rules are obvious. But the truth is, the obvious is no longer obvious in today’s world. What’s worse is that some people even ask why. They don’t understand why they shouldn’t hurt other people. It’s not a simple thing to explain. It’s not logical. But if they read books they will understand. It’s far more important than using logic to explain something. Human beings don’t live alone, and a book is a way to show them that.”

Empathy—that’s the power of books.

Walk with courage the path you have chosen. Don’t be one of those bystanders who complains that nothing ever changes. Continue your journey, just as Melos kept running to the end.

“If you find a book easy to read, that means it’s all stuff that you already know,” he went on. “That’s why it’s easy. If you find it difficult, then that’s proof it’s something brand new.”

How can I move on if I don’t believe in myself?

A yellow delivery bicycle went past, bright against the blue of the sky.

A gentle breeze brushed the doorbell, and it gave a cheerful ring.

offering readers a chance to encounter other lives and other points of view via the language of the imagination.

And I'm done, If you've read so far and have some lines from the book that are your favourite, would you like to share them?

I would love to hear them. (⁠^⁠^⁠)

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gently-decaying-flowers · 5 months

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oh my god you guys @loganmothman and i are working on a Good Omens AU and AAAAA ITS SO COOL

most of this brainrot so far is my doing, but to be fair it was his idea first (and when we get a plot going i will be writing and he will be drawing :DD right? i think so- (logan plz confirm that)

ANYWAYS! enjoy this for now! there will prolly be more info added later hehe :3

Church AU Brainrot

-Crowley- 🐍

- serpent from eden, became a priest to avoid the choice between heaven and hell

- holy water tears, leaving scars due to the half of him that is still hell incarnate

- he/him (secretly he/they)

- feels extreme guilt on behalf of both sides of him, when he does something good he betrays hell and when he does something bad he betrays heaven

- religious trauma to the MAX (if that wasn’t obvious already)

- becomes good friends with Nina and Maggie (will develop backstory for that later)

- often very quiet. he doesn’t lead any like mass, he mostly just hides in the background (to avoid being found out by the churchgoers) but he does occasionally allow people in to see him one on one (this is a very rare occurrence tho)

- remembers the angel of the east gate, and thinks about her often. he can’t really figure out why, but he often feels like she’s there with him.

- They were together (as in how they are in the show, running into each other every once in a while) until 1827 (grave robbing minisode) when Crowley decided to become a priest. He was overwhelmed with uncertainty about how good heaven actually is, but he didn’t want to stay with hell and be forced to hurt people, or let them hurt themselves.

- he often writes in a journal, sometimes seeking God’s help and sometimes seeking Satan’s. (it’s like his personality is split in half, and when he feels both he is in immense emotional distress)

- When he gets very stressed/angry his eyes turn full snake and he has to step outside of the church (consecrated ground)

- when he feels happy (rarely) or feels love (aka the presence of Azi) his eyes turn blue

How Crowley met Nina and Maggie:

There’s a small apartment right above Nina’s coffee shop, and one above Maggie’s record shop. Nina has her own apartment, so when Crowley got his Hell Appointed apartment taken from him- he didn’t know what to do. Nina noticed him living out of his Bentley and offered for him to rent out the apartment. Because he doesn’t make much money as a priest, he helps out at the shop when he can and collects tips to begin paying off his debt to Nina. (Even though Maggie has convinced her not to make him pay as much as often. We also see a little of Maggie and Nina’s relationship explored through Crowley’s interactions with them. Because of their love, he begins to find hope for himself- later finding out about the ineffable bureaucracy and having a crisis)

-Aziraphale- 🪽

- Angel of The East Gate

- uses all pronouns (i use she for her mostly tho)

- A representation of a biblically accurate angel (multiple halos, tons of glowy eyes and extreme power)

- fell in love with Crowley in the garden of eden.

- Azi did have a “human ish disguise” up until the incident in 1827, where Crowley decides to become a priest due to not wanting to get punished for saving and helping people. Azi was therefore banished to heaven for failing to “defeat evil”

- They were obviously distraught to be torn away from him, especially when he could use guidance now so she started to secretly watch over him when she could. they became a guardian angel of sorts

- behind the scenes she’s been trying to find a way to get back to earth for him

- Started her studies to become a “better servant of god” which then in turn made her a guardian Angel of sorts

- they desperately want to help Crowley choose (mostly heaven but it’s a guilty thought for them) so he isn’t stuck in this terrible limbo between

- Azi isn’t respected in heaven, but he holds out hope and never lets it get him down. they’re the good guys, so whatever they do has reason :) (oh yeah, she’s got trauma too. very very blinded. she struggles to understand why Crowley won’t pick a side, but she loves him anyway)

#gomens #gomens au #my au #YAYAYAY #i’m having a lot of fun with this one #yeah there’s more about crowley because he is my boiest boi but there will be more info an azi’s character later i promise #eden is going slightly insane #aziracrow

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deathsbestgirl · 1 year

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i find it interesting that people really dislike the field where i died because of the soul mate business — mulder is moving through his lives with several of the people in his life: his parents, samantha, and scully. (and i suspect maggie & melissa — scully’s family is part of it too. even skinner.) (he even sees csm…another person who continuously shapes his life, just not for the better.) melissa was no longer part of his life, only coming into this life for a brief time during a case. to me, that says their lives are moving apart. this is part of a transition. because scully became the most important, they became the way for each other. and their connection in other lives has spanned nearly every (positive) kind of relationship you can have with someone.

this is about multiple lifetimes, multiple soul mates. and how things change. i found this episode really beautiful, though painful for mulder & for scully to stand by watching him struggle. (it was interesting though because this was the only time i remember him making leaps & having nothing tangible to him to base them on, just the fact he somehow knew it. a very human experience that we can’t always explain with simple empathy or intuition when it’s so accurate.)

in my exploration of astrology & such, it’s been suggested that nearly every person in my life has been part of my past lives as friends/platonic relationships or romantic partners. and to me it just makes perfect sense. there’s been something ~different about them since i met them. it was like they brought a piece of me with them and i wanted to be around them as much as i could. my wife was the first person i ever really actively pursued because of that feeling — even before i met her in person. and the journey has been different with each person, and all so important.

if it’s normal for people to come & go, to experience changes in relationships in this life — it makes sense to me that roles would change from life to life too.

it isn’t one of my favorite episodes, but it does have one my favorite scenes of the series. his grief over what happened to melissa is palpable throughout the episode, but i don’t think it’s about missing his chance for a romantic life partner, but rather a soul mate, someone he thinks he should have been there for and he didn’t get to be. and experiencing the heartbreak of those other lives, seeing what he’s been through with melissa, his parents, samantha & scully makes him question if the pain in this life is worth it. to just keep experiencing tragedy. and so he asks scully —

dana, if, um, early in the four years we’ve been working together…an event occurred that suggested or somebody told you that…we’d been friends together in other lifetimes — always — would it have changed some of the ways we looked at one another?

even if i knew for certain, i wouldn’t change a day.

he’s been turned upside down in this case, especially after the past life regression, and scully is his rock. he’s already thought of scully as something other than a friend & work partner. he can feel how the regression is coloring his view of melissa and what it means, or maybe should mean. and scully is telling him she wouldn’t have chosen another path. she chooses him regardless of these other lifetimes, not because of or in spite of them. she just does. they’ve both chosen to move forward together, whatever it will look like — a choice they had already made long before this experience.

personally i’m a sucker for less traditional views of soul mates. you can have many soul mates. sometimes they’re romantic, sometimes they’re forever, sometimes it’s for a brief time, sometimes they’re terrible. but life is about living and that means a whole range of experiences, emotions and relationships. and you keep the ones continuously adding to your life, even through different lifetimes and sometimes, it changes. you’ve both gotten what you need and it’s time for new ones. sometimes, those other lifetimes or iterations of a relationship are precursors for what’s to come.

#txf txt #the field where i died #i don’t really want to tag this but i want to be able to find it

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ryker-writes · 8 months

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Congrats!! I couldn’t send this from my secondary, oh well, but I’d still like to take part in the matchup event!

Overall personality:

Really depends on who you ask. People upon meeting me for the first time tend to say I give off a serious, mature, and responsible vibe whereas those who have known me longer say that I am quirky, passionate, but assertive. I have multiple faces that I put on: one for work/professional settings, one around family, one for friends (and even so that can be split into multiple categories depending on how close I am with you). So multi-faceted is a good term to describe me, as I ‘m always adapting and changing to meet my surroundings. That also means not alot of people tend to know me, but I’m ok with that as I like distance and privacy in my personal life.

Hobbies:

Video games—otomes, gacha games, visual novels, JRPGS, and life simulators like Animal Crossing are my jam, tabletop games, musical theater, cosplay, ice skating, horseback riding, reading (historical fiction, fantasy, or gothic horror especially), listening to J-rock or alternative music.

Likes:

Spending money on gacha games, Italian food, traveling, ancient mythology and medieval history, horses, scrolling social media

Dislikes:

A lot of food as I’m a picky eater—in particular, mushrooms, bananas, seafood, and olives are big on my no list.

Cold or rainy weather. I have low cold tolerance.

***I’m also absolutely touch repulsed, so I’d like someone who isn’t too handsy or openly affectionate.

Preferences:

Someone introverted works best with me, although extroverts (to a degree) are ok too—what’s important is that they respect my need for personal space and alone time.

I don’t care about height too much.

Ideally, they can share some of my hobbies or are open to learning. They can’t be too pushy or demanding, as I tend to do things at my own pace. They may have to take the reins and be the more ‘mature’ one in the relationship at times or be able to scold or guide me in the right direction if needed.

ALSO they absolutely will have to deal with me:

Being a childish picky eater, my frequent forgetfulness and messiness, me holding grudges for the most petty of things.

Love language:

Receiving/giving gifts

I can hoard almost anything that my s/o gives me, ranging from notes to presents and basically any object given to me with good intention. It’s nice to be reminded of someone this way when they aren’t around, so I guess I’m kind of sentimental.

Thanks for doing this!

Thank you dear anon!

"Ah, the first anon matchup! I had a pretty good idea of a few people I wanted to give you, but as I kept reading, I feel I was able to narrow it down pretty well until I had two candidates to choose from. But in the end, I feel I made the right choice for you.

I'm putting you with my dear friend Ruggie!"

I was torn between Trey and Ruggie for you, but in the end I settled on Ruggie because I liked the relationship dynamics a lot more than Trey's

Ruggie loves you sooo much

for starters, he may not have very much money, but he loves to spoil you with gifts!

he sometimes works extra hard and takes an extra job or two just to get you something special

and he absolutely adores and treasures anything you get him!

Ruggie is a very respectful boi too and would absolutely only give affection that you've stated that you're comfortable with

he would never want to do something to make you uncomfortable or that you didn't like

he also has a great memory (and is kinda petty himself) so he'll totally help you remember things when you need

he loves to spend time with you while you're playing games too and he likes to listen to what you tell him about history or your games

there are times when the both of you get to act childish together, but if need be, Ruggie can be the mature one

just don't expect it to be all the time and he won't expect the same from you

generally with Ruggie, he has your back with however you're feeling that day and adjusts accordingly

pls do give him any food you don't like tho he will eat it in a heartbeat

#ryker the matchmaker #twisted wonderland matchups

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dapper-wings · 9 months

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Good Omens S2 Last Episode Thoughts

Ok weighing in here as someone who grew up in a super religious community and left it, I have OPINIONS about that last episode. Safe to say it hit me right where I live & there are a LOT of personal opinions/feels in here. Spoilers for Good Omens S2 below!

First off, THE KISS did that really just happen akljfaskldjfkldsajfklasdjkfjasd

But THEN…Aziraphale is so so stupid for choosing heaven over Crowley. But also, I get it because I see my family, my childhood friends, my aunts and uncles, and myself in the characters in this show and I feel so torn because I lived it. I feel that part of my life in Aziraphale’s struggle. How do you give up everything you know for something new and unknown? It’s not rocket science to understand why someone would stay in a toxic place, because when toxic is all you know then it’s what’s safe and safety looks like toxicity because you can’t see what safety really looks like anymore.

And underneath it all is his desire to help and be good and fix people and oh my poor broken angel, you haven’t realized that if people don’t want to be fixed, then you can’t fix them. He’s had all this time to figure it out and just hasn’t yet and part of me wants to tell him it’s not his fault because when something is that deeply ingrained in you, you can’t just forget it. You just can’t. But at the same time, he’s had so many opportunities to change! I wish he could’ve, and I think he’ll get there eventually. But he’ll have to reject something that is such an intrinsic part of him to get it and that struggle will tear him apart. So that’s probably what’s next for him. He’s got CHOICES to make.

And Crowley! Oh this poor demon. I know what it feels like to leave a religion. That scene where Crowley’s looking at Job going ‘why does he get to ask questions and I don’t?’ DID THINGS to my soul ugh. Even when you know you are leaving something that isn’t good for you, it doesn’t stop being a safety net in your head and to leave that is just…horrible. But to find another way to live- that sucks too. Unlike someone who leaves one life and embraces another fluidly, sometimes it takes longer because you have to make it yourself. So when Crowley said ‘I go with hell…as far as I can.’ I felt that too. I remember wondering if life would ever feel normal again. But Crowley did make his own life. He gets to choose what he believes in and make life work on his terms. I love that for him. To see what measures up and what doesn’t. What works and what doesn’t. Who he lets in and who he doesn’t. Oh I love that. But at the same time, he’s so afraid of the fragile bit of peace he’s made. He needs to know that a little bit of heaven and hell mixed in with his world won’t destroy it, and that despite all his best efforts he can’t block them out. But he’s been so hurt by both sides that he shuts them out entirely, and fails to keep what he’s made in the process. Same as Aziraphale, he has to learn to let scary things in if he wants to keep what he’s made.

And in the end I guess I just have to say I see why they both made their choices. Neither of them could deny those entrenched parts of themselves, they had to follow their own paths because those parts were their identities. I’m confident they’ll find their way back to each other. All of that to say I FELT that last episode and WILL be rewatching this show because it’s just so good.

#good omens #spoilers #aziraphale #crowley #tw: religion #personal ramblings #thoughts #also really proud of myself for typing aziraphale's tag right the first time without autofill or spell check #good omens season 2 #FOR REAL THERE ARE SPOILERS

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