#something you DON'T have a problem with
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Finally gathered the courage to see a therapist seeking an actual diagnosis, got told to just stop being gay.
#this is your reminder that if a mental health professional refuses to talk about the actual problem and instead keeps circling back to#something you DON'T have a problem with#and they bring their own political beliefs into the conversation#you need to get the fuck out of there#therapists shouldn't have biases and prejudices!!!!!!#therapists in the 21th century shouldn't tell you that you can 'heal' from being gay#like what the fuck!!!!#obviously i'm not going back#like karen just retire if you can't notice the actual and obvious problem and instead keep whining about how i 'chose' this lifestyle#and thus sentenced myself to a painful life#shut the fuck up and do your job properly#how am i supposed to get treated if ms Freud 2022 is my only option#i thought we were over psychiatrists recommending conversion therapy but apparently i was wrong#i didn't even go there with a sexuality crisis!#i went over there to finally get diagnosed with adhd or something!!#'you're distracted and hyperactive because you're anxious due to your sexuality' ok. you can go choke#super traumatic first experience#tw homophobia#bambi says some bullshit
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You need to make art that nobody else likes. You need to make art that speaks to you alone. You need to cradle a serpent that eats its own tail and you need to love it until it loves you back
#The best art I've ever made will never be hung in anyone's home#That's not the point#It's not about being good#It's about being real#It's about eating something unpalatable#It's about being consumed#And tasting bitter#It's gorging yourself on crude oil just to feel something different#It's biting your tongue to make yourself cry#I'm saying that I am capable of making you feel good through personal sacrifice but I kind of don't want to cut myself up like that#If you want my heart to taste good you have to prepare it yourself#That isn't my problem
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hey btw if you're in the USA at 2:20 p.m. ET on Wednesday, Oct. 4, they're testing the emergency broadcast system. your phone is probably going to make a really loud noise, even if it's on silent. there's a backup date on the 11th if they need to postpone it.
if you're not in a safe situation and have an extra phone, you should turn that phone completely off beforehand.
additionally, if you're like me, and are easily startled; i recommend treating it like a party. have a countdown or something. be surrounded by your loved ones. take the actions you personally need to take to make yourself safe.
i have already seen mockery towards any person who feels nervous about this. for the record, it completely, completely valid to have "emergency broadcast sounds" be an anxiety trigger. do not let other people make fun of you for that. emergency sounds are legitimately engineered to make us take action; those of us with high levels of anxiety and/or neurodivergence are already pre-disposed to have a Bad Time. sometimes it is best to acknowledge that the situation will be triggering for some, and to prepare for that; rather than just saying "well that's stupid, it's just a test."
"loud scary sound time" isn't like, my favorite thing, but we can at least try to prevent some additional anxiety by preparing for it. maybe get yourself a cake? noise cancelling headphones? the new hozier album? whatever helps. love u, hope you're okay. we are gonna ride it out together.
#watching ppl go from being like ''support neurodivergent ppl~~!"#to being like ''if this is going to give u a panic attack ur fuckken stupid''#like..... gets me#yeah man. i know im going to be triggered by it . in the old fashioned term. it is GOING to give me a panic attack. it's pretty much certai#and i shouldn't have to tell u about what i have survived for you to be okay with that.#you can just trust that i ALSO don't want me to react to it. i'm not gonna be having a FUN time.#dismissing that bc you think it's stupid.... like is the whole problem.#these sounds are workshopped by entire teams of people to get you to pay attention and move quickly.#they arent meant to be fun and exciting.#OBVIOUSLY it's gonna set ppl off.#but yeah there's something so fuckken demeaning about ppl being like. well that trigger isn't valid bc u haven't undergone X#dude i have ptsd bc i was abused as a child. like plain and simple. the fact im 30 and afraid of the dark tells you how bad it was.#i shouldn't have to ask u for permission to be mentally ill.#the reason it's a fucking disorder and not a fucking choice is that I DO NOT CONTROL IT.#like how is it any different from when ppl are like ''oh public speaking isn't that scary'' like FOR YOU#for YOU this isn't scary. now if i could fucking eat my own amygdala...
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To any disabled person undergoing tests to find What's Wrong: I hope your results come back the way you hope and that you receive the help you need. I hope you are not denied care, I hope you are taken seriously even after this, and I hope that you will be taken care of compassionately
#disability#currently going through something like this for myself and while i doubt there's anything 'wrong' i still did it#people are always weird about people who are disappointed or devastated about 'normal results' but...#...it's because normal results don't mean much when you still have the issue at hand...#...if my test came back that my back is physically normal that doesn't indicate that i don't have back pain does it?#because i am still in pain so often even if i have a 'physically normal' back...#...just as an example but i don't think a lot of abled people 'get it'#also like... if your tests are coming back 'normal' every time that might give your care providers pause...#...and they might just start infantilizing you or treating you like a hypochondriac...#...'are you SURE [problem] isn't just anxiety?' 'are you SURE you're actually experiencing [x] or are you exaggerating it?'
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do you think the obsession with ‘style consistency’ in online art communities is mostly caused by this idea that your art style needs to be easily marketable & recognizable as a brand (especially when you’re working as a freelancer). i see the /least/ amount of progress in my art whenever i try to aim for style consistency. i don’t know exactly where i’m going with this but i think there’s some sort of connection between trying to monetize/market your art & limiting your growth as an artist. and i think it’s very sad.
#in theory i don't really want to monetize my art i just want to make things. but if i was going to make money out of anything#i'd at least want it to be something i like doing. you understand my problem.#i don't know if i posted this before & deleted it. i have a tendency of deleting my thoughts as soon as i post them. but#this is something i think about a lot. especially when i think about my goals for the future. like opening up a patreon. or making a website#i don't know what makes my art 'my art' other than the fact i made it. i don't know how to theme my future patreon or my website#and it stresses me out thinking that i'll do better if i can market it in a specific linear way#that isn't really natural to how i think about art in general
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Currently obsessed with the idea that the boys go to Time for love advice, since "he's married so he knows this stuff right?"
I mean they couldn't recognize a wedding ring??? And neither did he???
And time was saying this in his youth I mean cmon
Twilight: So ancestor. What would you do if like. Malon left to another world and never came back
Time: ... bro Malon called me fairy boy and then we were married like what
Hyrule: So uhh old man. How does one. Meet a girl.
Time: By speaking to her I guess? Or not, Malon did the talking for me
Hyrule: riiiiight...
Wild *no tact*: Hey so like... what if your redheaded wife who's name started with M died.
Time: what?!?!
Wild, undeterred: but like before she proposed.
Time: ...
Wild: and you don't remember if you would have said yes. What's your advice for dealing with that?
Time: ... vent to a fairy?
Warriors: hey old man
Time: no no no not this one asking me please
Warriors: how do I get women to stop coming after me. So I can ya know. Choose without war trying to force me into relationships
Time: I can safely say I've never had that problem captain
Wars: of course not *smirks*
Wars: ok but seriously how do I make them go away
Time: ... wear a wedding ring so they think you're taken, I've got a shiny extra
Time: no no why- they won't stop, I don't know how to do love!
Time: ok well at least I have legend. That kid would never ask for advice, I'll sit by him.
Legend: so old man.
Time, looking forward to a normal conversation: yeah?
Legend: hypothetically, what would you do if you found out Malon didn't exist.
Legend: And her whole world didn't, but it did, and now it doesn't
Time: ...Excuse me for a minute.
Time, writing a letter as fast as he can: MALON HOW DO I GIVE LOVE ADVICE THEY THINK IM WISE
Malon: lol
Happy Valentine's Day guys, have a headcanon :P
The boys go to Time for love advice and Time spouts whatever wise-sounding bs he can, before shoving them all on Malon for therapy when they visit the ranch
Art and comic by Jojo @linkeduniverse! :D
#I'm just??? we have like three different times they went to him with love problems? guys he grew up in a forest raised by a tree#he proposed with a cosplay ring#Malon laughs her head off when he says they're going to him for advice#'babe I had to force you into understanding marriage'#'give me the boys I'll talk to them'#to the boys: 'listen Links don't stop going to him for love advice. ask about the most wierd traumatic shit you've been through'#'cook record his reactions this'll be hilarious'#'he's seemed wise...' 'he don't know shit kids he's quoting me'#Lu time#lu#linked universe#linkeduniverse#little did he know legend was the worst of them all#wars wears the glittery engagement ring he recommended with pride 'sorry I'm taken ladies in case you missed the sparkle'#technically Valentine's Day was 43 minutes ago but shhhh it's ok time doesn't know what love is either#I do not have several of the games or complete information#if I said something incorrect (or offensive ever) let me know :)#love you guys#:)
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since we only have a couple of days left until the premiere, here's a reminder that if buddie doesn't go canon and if Eddie doesn't come out and even if Buck doesn't come out either, none of that means that the writing is terrible and that the show is bad and that the cast is at fault somehow.
just so we're clear.
#yeah some of the things the boys say are hard to take in level headed#but they never ever said more than that they would be game if it came to it#not that it's something actually happening#and this is an ensemble show#so if you're only watching it for two characters and the story doesn't EXACTLY go the way you wanted it that doesn't make the show bad#that's just your personal problem and you don't have to drag everyone else's mood down with yours#just saying#buddie#911#my stuff
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No girlbossing for the Narrator today! Just babygirl hours 💗
also thigh highs supremacy 🛐
#my hands are legit shaking#I think I've been drawing too much lately#I need some rest but I feel restless if I don't draw something#If i just disappear for a week without warning I hope you wouldn't mind#though chances of that happening is low#since I have impulse control problems#tsp#tspud#the stanley parable#the stanley parable ultra deluxe#narrator tsp#tsp narrator#stanley tsp#tsp stanley#stannarrator#stanarrator#babygirl hours#mine 💗#the stan parable
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Maybe it's a 'study finds water is wet' type of thought, but
considering it's an action movie whose overall plot is "immortal warriors Fuck Shit Up™️", I think it's significant that in The Old Guard the thing that makes Copley pull red strings through his Murder Conspiracy Board and say "[Merrick] doesn't care what [Andy]'s done with [her immortality]" is the people they save, not the ones they kill
Most of the Conspiracy Board is him circling random newspaper headlines and faces on old photographs to (more or less realistically) follow the immortals' treck through the world and big historical events. Which is, in-canon, not much different than putting portraits from different centuries next to a picture of Keanu Reeves and saying "they look the same, clearly Reeves is an immortal!"
But then there are the connections. A little girl holding Joe's hand in WW1 becoming the youngest (and first) woman to be awarded a Nobel Prize for Medicine (suck it, Kozak). Or the grandchild of a family that Andy saved from [something] helping people escape from the Khmer Rouge genocide in Cambodia.
They are warriors. They have fought and been in the midst of countless wars, major or minor, throughout history. They must have killed as many people as they saved... and yet.
It's not them taking out a random warlord or dictator or rabidly hateful politician that has tangible repercussions in history. It's the children and families they get out of war zones, save from accidents, protect from natural disasters. People to whom they give a second chance at life, and grow to change the world (or even just their own world), like a mysterious stranger once changed theirs just by holding out a hand or patching a wound.
I don't know I just think it's particularly neat
#my ponderings#the old guard#I know we all love to play the 'if you could go back in time and kill One Person who would it be' game#but I think a movie that makes it EXTREMELY SATISFYING to see the Bad Guys die -#- having 'actually the best and greatest changes happen when people help each other' as its underlying message...#it means something#I also think it connects to Andy feeling like nothing she does changes anything at the start of the movie#for 80% of her life you could Solve A Problem by Taking Out The Guy Causing The Problem#especially in battle! you kill the general and you win. if you win the Problem Is Solved#but then everything becomes More Complex. the Problems™️ are globalized and/or systemic.#and Winning a Battle means just killing people. it doesn't Stop The Problem (nor really end a war)#so it feels useless#and even when they save people... they can’t stay in people's lives for long because immortality#which means they can never know what happens to the people they save#they don't (and can't) have the full picture
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i'm going to scream i got accused of being a transmisogynist by someone on twitter because of this specific part of my t4t steddie art
#ramble#the thing is 99.9% of people thought it was VERY funny#i've had 1 person genuinely have a problem with it and it was because i kept eddie transmasc#basically they were upset because i didn't make them both transfemme bc i just. didn't want to#twitter hasn't learned that not everything is for you and if you don't like something you don't have to interact with it#and just because you don't like something that doesn't mean it's Bad#and also sometimes queer things aren't made to be understood by everyone#it was specifically because they thought it made them into 'just another straight couple'#as if that isn't a MASSIVE erasure of trans people's queerness#trans people in m/f relationships doesn't make them any less queer or somehow inferior to gay relationships#it boiled down to 'but you could've made them lesbians :((' YEAH BUT I DIDN'T#idk it was just absolutely infuriating trying to defend myself without saying 'idk what the fuck you want from me at this point'#anyway transfemme stevie is very big on twt but i didn't know whether to post it here or not#but i might if people want to see it because i love it a lot#twitter would die if they saw the olden days when we called them genderbends and there wasn't any trans content at all
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having sally yell at baby percy feels so fundamentally wrong. i didn't mind when she got frustrated with him in the pool because that was just one instance of sally losing her temper but now it's like oh. this is just how the show version of her is.
like. idk. one of sally's defining traits was that she never got mad at percy. that didn't mean she was weak. that was her strength. that she could pull through tough times by putting a smile on her face, so that she didn't scare percy, so that she could protect him.
i just feel like it would have been a much more well-defined scene if we got to see how sally manages to talk percy out of the car by. being nice?? coaxing him??? explaining the situation in a way he would understand instead of just saying "there are things i have to do that you don't understand" (if you say that to a kid they are 100% not going to listen to you bc. yeah they don't understand!! so you have to explain it in a way they WOULD understand!!)
if sally had already been dating smelly gabe at this point, she could have leveraged this. she could have put a funny spin on it and said "i'm just trying to get you away from smelly gabe's stinky gym shorts." if she wanted baby percy to not feel like she was abandoning him and separating him from the rest of society, she could have said "the kids in there are just like you." she could have given him a keepsake, to show she will always be with him. there are SO many ways the writers could have spun this and they just didn't. they went the easy way out.
all of these flashback scenes are painting a very unfortunate picture that percy didn't actually have a good relationship with his mom. and i know that's not the vibe the show is trying to go for, but they've got to understand!! that not everyone who's watched the show has the read the books! we don't all automatically know that sally and percy have the bestest mother-son relationship ever! if you only show sally being frustrated at baby percy, we start to think oh dang, maybe this whole time percy doesn't actually have a good relationship with his mom!
#uhhhh me#i think the tag is:#pjo show crit#also i don't think 'it's a character flaw' is a good defense#because sally DOES have a flaw. her flaw is that she bottles up all her problems!! she acts like she's fine but she isn't!#at the end of book 1 this is something she has to overcome when percy gives her medusa's head and tells her it's time to save herself!!#i don't see a need for this to change#i generally don't mind if an adaptation changes things but the change has to make sense and. like. be good??#and so far all the changes in the show have either been baffling or poorly executed#like idk maybe you shouldn't have marketed the show as the most accurate book adaptation we've been waiting for-#-if you're gonna make the most perplexing and unnecessary changes ever
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fucking bullshit how when a member of the working class isn't thriving in a system meant to exploit them it's somehow their fucking fault because one way or another they've somehow Done Something Wrong.
"you should have asked for more hours" what if you're working all you fucking can while still being able to stay awake on the job. which we shouldn't have to fucking do.
"you shouldn't have spent too much on things you don't need" you should be able to spend on one or two nice fucking things without being broke
"you should get store brand instead of name brand" getting the store brand of everything still amounts to hundreds of fucking dollars for a week's worth of groceries
"you should have listened to the financial advice you got as a teenager" we did. we fucking did.
"you shouldn't have spent so much in loans" we did so we could get those Good Jobs You Need Degrees For like you fucking told us to
"you should have gotten a better degree" I shouldn't fucking need one to have a job that I can live off of
"you should have started working sooner so you could have saved up" not every teenager has parents that will fucking let them work and even then you should not have to work on top of school as a fucking child
"you should have listened to this financial coach" I am not fucking poor because I didn't listen to some grifter trying to sell me a fucking "course" that I can't afford. I fucking promise you that.
"you should have" "you should" "you shouldn't have" "you shouldn't" you should maybe fucking consider that this is bullshit. jumping through these hoops is bullshit. trying to do everything you were advised to just to still end up in shitty circumstances is bullshit. trying to prove you've made all the choices you were told were the right ones just to try to get people to believe your struggling isn't your fault is bullshit. still being told it's your fault because you didn't do this Secret Financial Life Hack or whatever is bullshit. it's all bullshit.
#because someone can do all of these fucking things. follow all the do's and don'ts. and still end up poor. and still end up homeless.#and i guaranfuckingtee you'll come up with some reason it's still their fault anyway#because it is easier to convince yourself that the *millions of people* we see struggling every day have all Done Something Wrong#then even begin to consider that this might be systemic#because if you believe it's a personal problem then you can convince yourself you're safe from it#but if it's systemic then that means it can happen to you too.#money#capitalism#anti capitalism#working#mine#long post
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Sorry that this post is long but I would appreciate it if other white people read it and thought about it. I've been reading a lot of posts and the tags on them and I just want to make it very clear that this conversation isn't really about Ray getting 'attention' or his talent getting acknowledged. We should not be minimising this to “we need to acknowledge that Ray is an excellent guitar player” because everyone knows that, all you need is ears. True, it went largely unappreciated by fans at the height of mcr’s fame, but at least that's different now. What we're talking about now is about so much more than that - in fact, part of the problem is Ray getting reduced to nothing but the guy who shuts up and does the solos. We're talking about a pattern of behaviour that has been so deeply rooted in this fandom for so long that it's almost invisible to white people. It's a collective problem but it's perpetuated by individuals and needs to be addressed at an individual level first before it can begin to change.
I will acknowledge that, at least in my circles, things have started to change a little bit this tour in regards to people noticing him and discussing him beyond just his solos. But on the flipside that's only highlighted the larger issue, which boils down to how differently Ray is treated from the rest of the band. This is a consistent pattern. If he's not being ignored, he's behind separated out and set apart from the others - either being put on a weird pedestal or given suspiciously backhanded compliments.
Back in 2020 when I'd be lucky to see three posts about him a day on my dash I used to spend a lot of time scrolling through old inactive blogs to queue Ray pictures. Back in the pre-breakup days, if he wasn't being called "princess fro fro" he was being called ugly or he was the target of straight-up racial slurs. There was a weird narrative that he like, lowkey bullied Frank or took more credit than he deserved for mcr's guitar parts (which is painfully ridiculous and only proves that nobody paid attention to a single word Ray's ever said). Until very recently, the punchline of one of the main "jokes" (quotation marks because the word joke implies it was ever actually funny in the first place lol) in this fandom relied on Ray being at least casually homophobic. And these were blogs that posted Ray - I can only imagine how much worse the people who actively didn't like him would have been.
Nowadays, I post a lot of Ray content so I see a lot of tags from people outside my circle of mutuals. Let me tell you, there are Patterns. First of all, there's the classic "tags that completely ignore Ray to make the Ray post about Frank and/or Gerard instead." But more and more often what I'm seeing is if he's not being infantilised, he's being treated as some hyper-masculine, omni-competent, suave sex god or something - each of these things are equally reductive and dehumanising - and each of them are different manifestations of racist stereotypes and common fandom attitudes towards people of colour. Sure, Frank also gets weirdly infantilised a lot, but in a very different way - Frank is woobified in the way people often treat their fictional faves out of affection and horniness, whereas Ray is just reduced down to a personalityless nice guy - something that is also very common with fictional characters of colour. Then there are people who act like he's some kind of long-suffering untouchable genius who puts up with the little weirdos in his band because they worship his talent or something, as if he's not on equal footing with them as their peer and creative partner. And then you get the people characterising him as some kind of rough macho domineering dude because he's…tall? I guess? And plays guitar with confidence? Or is it just because he's brown.
I just..genuinely want you to sit down and think about a reason Ray might be singled out and separated from the rest of the band like this.
Is it because he's quiet in interviews? Mikey was always quieter. Also, Ray has done a lot more interviews than you think, they just haven't been circulated by fans as much. Also, he's literally the second-most featured band member in lotms - you know, the almost sole source for their fandom-driven personalities back in the day.
Is it because he's less feminine than the others? Both Mikey and Frank regularly present as more traditionally masculine in their fashion choices and mannerisms etc. The only thing “more masculine” about Ray than the others is...his body type I guess. There’s a whole conversation there about the intersection of gender and race and racist perceptions thereof.
Is it because he's private and keeps out of the public eye? So does Gerard.
Is it because people historically found him less attractive than the others? I shouldn't have to explain that that was the racism all along (yes, I know there's no accounting for taste, but Ray was regularly and actively mocked for his non-white features, and noughties beauty standards, especially in the alt music scene, were overwhelmingly white and racist. I regularly get tags to the effect of "when did Ray get so hot???" and honestly it's pretty telling that he's only widely acknowledged as attractive now that he's lost weight (whole other important discussion on fatphobia in this fandom here btw) and his hair has changed texture and beauty standards have shifted so certain racial features are fetishised rather than mocked.
Is it because he wasn't involved in one of the iconic bandom boylove duos? News flash, all "ships" are made up fan theories. Rpf and/or tinhatting is based on what fans notice and what rumours they perpetuate. Besides them kissing on stage a few times to make a point over 15 years ago, you know frerard lore because people talk about frerard lore. You know petekey lore because people talk about petekey lore. The truth is nobody cared enough to pay attention to Ray back then. (To be clear, this isn't me trying to tinhat anything about him, I'm just once again pointing out the obvious disparity in how Ray is treated compared to the others.)
I consistently see people acting baffled at how he's been behaving this tour - skipping or bouncing around the stage, eating his solos up, being physically affectionate with his bandmates. I can tell you he has literally always acted like that. Sure, this tour is special - he's certainly a lot more confident than he used to be and seems happier than ever, but really the biggest thing that's changed is now we get full footage of every show so it's literally impossible to overlook.
I also see people acting baffled when others point out the way Ray's been mistreated by fandom - being shocked that anyone would crop Ray out of band photos etc. I guarantee you that almost every single one of you has reblogged pictures where he's been actively cropped out, because some of the most iconic Frank-and-Gerard pictures that constantly get passed around on here are just that. "But how would we know" - sure, it's not your fault, but it's a small example of the way the more blatant Ray erasure from the past gets passed down to new fans and perpetuated by them unknowingly in turn. Cropping him out of pictures is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how his talent and personality and significance to the emotional heart of the band has been overlooked. I can't tell you how many iconic well-known quotes from interviews or paragraphs from Not the Life it Seems directly precede facts about/quotes from Ray that nobody seems to have heard.
So again, this is not really a popularity thing - it's hard to measure but I'd say in the past few months Ray's overtaken Mikey in terms of mass popularity, at least on tumblr. You don't need to performatively post once a day about how Ray Toro Is God or how much you want him to rail you or how much you want him to rail your white fave because "he's the only one who can top" (you Realise how this sounds right?). I'm just asking you to confront your internalised biases and the external biases ingrained in the culture and history of this fandom, and start treating Ray the same way you treat the rest of the guys. He's not an untouchable god and he's not a sunshine cupcake, he's just Some Guy who's really fucking good at guitar. He's a proud stay at home dad, he's cringe as fuck, he loves to cook, he listens to podcasts about fucking Apple products for fun, he writes (very) shitty poetry, he takes his sons to women's rights marches, he invests in bitcoin, he cries when his mom sends him postcards, he drives a douchey car, he loves children's cartoons, he's a corny liberal just like the others, he loves his friends wholly and openly. Just…please acknowledge the history of racism in this fandom, think about how you as an individual might knowingly or unknowingly perpetuate it, and try to do better. And please just treat him like a human.
#at least we're HAVING this conversation it's so so much worse on twitter#anyway. i've discussed and complained about a lot of this stuff on discord and that's my bad for not talking about it more publicly#like. i don't want to come off as just bitter about my fave or something because it's a much deeper problem that#but that just means i need to be very clear abt my point#hopefully you give this post the time of day i know it's long but i do think it's important#ray toro#racism#ref#**#gonna pin this for a bit too
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i hateeee jokes about arab parents only wanting sons and not wanting daughters because 1- when it's like that, that's an awful thing and not something to be joked about and 2- it spits on the face of every arab parent who consistently has to put their middle finger up to the world and say fuck you my daughter is my greatest treasure and i'd rather have her than a thousand sons and i won't hear a word against her!! because in my experience these are the most loving parents to be found in the whole wide world
#like. for all my parents' faults and the ways they screwed up as parents#they DID pick a fight with a nurse over this!!#the nurse was like 'i'm so so sorry :/ but it's a girl :/' when my mother was pregnant with me#and they yelled at him 'why are you sorry??? DON'T BE SORRY FOR A BLESSING!'#also my extended family is. uh. very old school. so my parents straight up passive aggressively announced#'if anybody implies that this is bad news they're dead to us thanks <33'#like there's this genre of arab parents who are 100% aware of the society that they're bringing their daughter into and the problems in it#and they KNOW their daughter will have to put up with so much crap. so they try to compensate by openly loving her so strongly#and always boasting about her and telling everyone they're proud of her#so she never ever feels less than anybody else#it's very heartwarming when it happens and it's a direct resistance against the misogyny in our culture#and i hate that these jokes kind of spit on that effort#AND makes light of something so awful too
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How the heck do people make themselves approachable irl and online I feel like people see me as a concrete wall with some graffiti on it that is a circle that says autistic inside of it
#like yes I do have a neutral face and I have no idea how to use emojis so Idk#or small talk! what the fuck is that#but some people are so turned off by how I appear externally that they don't really bother to get to know me#and when you get to know me I am actually very enthusiastic and smiley and talkative#but I am just very very very shy so it takes time to get to know me you know#but pls if you have any tips and tricks on how to be more approachable then pls tell me I would like to know#like plsss#pls I hope none of you think I'm rude or something I'm just clueless#actually autistic#autistic#neurodivergent#actually neurodivergent#and of course it's okay to be neutral all the time and not talkative or stuff it's just a me problem because I would like for people to get#to know me how I actually am you know??????#pls#I'm sorry
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Fig's line "I don't think I'm an artist, I think I'm just a good friend" has not left my head at all. Just...
You're Fig Faeth and your horns came in over the summer and you pick up the bard class as a form of adolescent rock 'n' roll rebellion, and it works! It's exactly the outlet you need! You give a guy you just met drumsticks and you start a band and it's good enough that within a year and a half you're touring. You are, in every sense, good at being a bard.
And then, finally, your junior year, you start to take it seriously. Your art goes from an outlet and a form of rebellion to a practice. A discipline. (Can rebellion exist within a discipline?) Your classmates know what they want to do with their work. They all have a thesis statement. And yeah, there's cohesion in the music you make, but you've never had to think about why you make it. You've never sat down and dissected what it is about bass that speaks to you. You've never poured over your lyrics to pick at any deeper meaning. Why should you? You don't play music for a grand design, you do it to... huh, why do you do it?
(Your art is the one form of self-expression that feels as safe as Disguise Self does, because even if you're pouring your heart onto the page and then screaming it in front of thousands of people, it's not like you're really making yourself known. You can sing I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm furious, and your fans will sing it right back, and there will still be the distance between performer and audience to keep your heart safe.)
Now you're being asked to look inward to explain the artistic choices you're making, and you can't help but recoil at that, because you'd rather do anything than look inward. Meanwhile, your classmates have no problem with it, so you start to wonder if you're a real artist at all. Can your art be authentic if it only exists to bolster a thesis statement? Has your art been unauthentic this whole time because you've never really thought about a thesis statement before? Is that what makes it art, and not just the next track on somebody's teen angst playlist?
You can't think about yourself— acknowledging your own existence makes you want to puke. So if your music is an extension of yourself, (and it is, even if it's just because the spotlight reveals only what you want it to,) you can't think about your music. You can't. You have to. Your grade depends on it.
You're Fig Faeth, and you keep multiclassing because you'd rather be a good friend than a great artist. If introspection is what great art demands, then fuck it. You must not be a bard at all.
#Dimension 20#fig faeth#fhjy#Idle Chatter#my last two years of college were when I started to get more and more nauseous about my own art#because I wasn't being taught how to make the art I wanted to make#the whole curriculum's focus was on gallery art#which infuriated me! I wanted to make art that didn't have to involve twelve layers of meaning and metaphor to be considered good!!#so I drove myself into the ground time and again trying to make (miserable) work that I thought would fit the criteria of a Real Artist#anyway it's been 4 years and I'm just now picking at why I don't enjoy creating anymore so Fig's whole arc has hit home in a major way#ALSO. AAAAALSO. THE ADHD STRUGGLE WE SEE WITH BOTH FIG AND KRISTEN. LOVING SOMETHING BUT STILL STRUGGLING WITH FOLLOW THROUGH#BEING TOLD YOU'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH WHEN IT'S SO FUCKING HARD JUST TO GET WHERE EVERYONE ELSE IS AND NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY IT'S HARD FOR YOU#it was easy and now that the rubber's hit the road it's hard for you but not for others so it must be YOU that's the problem#you must be lazy or stupid or just not suited to this after all even though it's part of a pattern that has been happening all your life#if you were good enough or cared enough then surely the discipline would come easily to you! the way it comes easily to all your classmates#SCREAMS I gotta stop before I write a second essay in the tags. I'm so normal you can trust me to be normal about D&D characters
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