#something about 3am was giving me a high with that one. it feels more poetic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lillian-nator · 2 years

Note

Lilliannn I'm boreddddd

Do you have anything you wanna share?? From your aus or something new? -a(no)n [I'm missing my friends party bc covid rates are way too high :/ ]

this was actually written by me and eyemotif

so give them TONS of the credit for this, they're fucking genius man

OKAY THE AU

OKAY

its about starving artists Tommy and Wilbur

they live in NYC

in like this tiny fucking gross ass apartment

they have two very small bedrooms, and one bath, and a kitchen / livingroom in one room

Tommy is a writer

Wilbur is a musician

they're both composing their masterpeices

I dont have background for Wilbur yet

but I know that he didnt come from much

he isnt in contact with his parents really, they dont support the starving artist lifestyle

and I think he probably moved far from like, not the south, but further north

like massachusettes or new hampshire or something

Tommy however? an interesting backstory

but all of Tommy's funds are frozen until he's 21 as most trust funds are

so, he has to make due with what he has

selling all of his flashy watches and too-big suits for rent money

he meets wilbur when he sees Wilbur's ad for a roommate wanted

but instead of using his dads connections

Tommy does what he always did

write.

he writes and writes and writes and hopes that something is good enough

because knowing tommy nothing was ever good enough

but ever since he learned how to write, its all that he did

He writes until his back aches from his horrible posture and eyes burn from the blue light in a dark room

and he can hear wilbru writing in the otehr room

writing and writing and playing and making a masterpeice

and all that Tommy can think is "how did he ever function without these beautiful symphonies playing the soundtrack to his life"

And Tommy will never stifle Wilbur’s creativity

He tries not

But god dammit Wilbur it is 3am and he has just found the resolution he was looking for

Shut up man

Wilbur just laugh back at the angry thumps through the wall

I think Tommy works at retail

I think retail is good

I think retail is great actually, because it gives him enough boredom and monotony to hate it a lot

and to make him write even more feverently

he keeps a notebook on him at all times

writes little stories about every person he sees

Tommy is the kind of guy to speak really poetically

eloquently if you will

everything is shakesperian, he's a big romantic, TommyInnit is

big guy for the dramatics

and he hates the silence

hates it so much

he feels like he always has this static in his brain

the like fucking macy's he works at, the music there makes his head ache

but it provides background sound, which is what he needs

now WIlbur's music

the wonderful concert to his frantic composition

just to get every word down onto the paper

Prose and poetry

Tommy is Prose

Wilbur is Poetry

Dichotomy y’know

and their small dirty ass apartment is just filled with notebooks and papers and pens and shit

And what Tommy hates most is that there are people like wilbur, with unimaginable talent, who cant afford to pay rent, and who just have to waste their lives away doing stuffy business jobs like his dad, and they're out in the world and they could be making the next fucking revolutionary musical or work of literature - THEYRE ARTISTS, and they cant do shit with the talent that god gave them

and they're eating cornflakes for 2 out of 3 meals a day

and the apartment is a mess

and they barely payed rent

but god

Just thinking about Tommy moving in

And it’s this apartment and it’s so shitt

And that night, over ramen, Wilbur asks “so what’re you doing here? Like, why New York, what’s the dream?”

And Tommy goes “well, I’d like to survive, but more so, I’d like to write”

“Music?”

“Fuck no, the - the next greatest piece of literature”

“Ah - big man”

And I think Wilbur gets really excited for being like, the elder artist, like he gets to show Tommy the best spots in New York

Sharing all of his inspiration tips

What he does to get out of writer’s block

Wilbur calling Tommy Rich boy even though Tommy doesn’t have access to all his money

“Oh come on Rich Boy, up you go, mandatory break!”

Tommy hits a writer’s block and suddenly it is Wilbur’s problem

Wilbur he wants to go feed the ducks Wil

Willllllll

Come onnnnnn

And Wilbur’s hair is stuck up from rubbing his hands through it

And his eyes are watery from staring at his sheet music did so long

“Insufferable child, do I look like I am fit for the public eye?”

“Look as ugly as usual! Duck time!”

Wilbur’s a little off his rocker

It comes with being a starving musician for 4 years

He is willing to do anything for his at

Art*

He never sleeps

He sacrifices himself for his art

He could’ve survived death and the first thing he did would be to write some lyrics down

Tommy sees that shit and while he respects it he also goes “I think the fuck not, sleep time you pretentious motherfucker”

Wilbur hasn’t slept for 72 hours, and goes “no no no no no I just got this vocal part, please”

“You have half an hour.”

And then half an hour, he goes “no Tommy please” and Tommy goes “You’re delirious you duck”

And push him face down onto his bed

Wilbur is kind of pretentious though

His art is sacred

But also Wilbur’s the type of guy to pull Tommy up onto the roof, both of them still in their thin work uniforms, and it’s like a crisp January air, snow on the ducking ground, and Wilbur’s just laughing his ass off

And Tommy goes “it’s fucking frigid up here you insane man!”

Be Wilbur’s just still laughing, running his hands through his hair

And going “ITS BEAUTIFUL ISNT IT?”

And Tommy just

Exasperatedly sighs

Fondly even

Cause his insane, unhinged, BEST friend, is showing him the New York sunset, and hes looking at his best friends muse

And it’s beautiful

Wilbur is brilliant

And there’s no way that Wilbur doesn’t get inspired by Tommy

This kid who is so desperately brilliant and empathetic

In a way that so many people Are Not

Wilbur is up with Tommy after two days of writing benders to see the boy frazzled and frantic

Ranting and raving about the shame of their society

How so many artists will remain undiscovered and repressed by the societal need for conformity

And Wilbur sees the fire in his eyes

The frantic anger on behalf of people he’s never met

He’s inspired

Nothing specific but he takes the fire Tommy hands him and guards it with his heart

Fuels it

AND The idea ofa writing bender is something I never knew I needed

Because as much as they make the other take care of themself they also enable each other

Throwing unwrapped granola bars at the other so they don’t have to get up

They don’t sleep for days at a time

Ordering Taco Bell they can’t really afford right now

When they hit a wall they use each other as sounding boards

Even if the other isn’t listening

They’ll rant and rave and plot and plan

Tommy will suggest things to Wilbur “could you play something a little sadder? I think it may help.”

There’s always two responses

Well three

Silence - He’s too absorbed

And “of course Tom”

And then “piss off im onto something”

The living room is just the writing room at this point

They have Liek three friends outside of each, put together but they never go to their apartment

It’s frankly a wreck

it’s such a wreck

Wilbur’s keyboard is in the middle of the room

And Tommy writes on this like little love seat that has so many holes

And there’s papers all over the floor

And wires everywhere

And when Tommy’s eyes get big

And his hair shakes with his head

And he’s sending up on the couch

And he’s asking “Wilbur Wilbur so listen to me hear -“

And Wilbur continues playing the piano

Now a theme to Tommy’s frantic rambling

And I feel as though Wilbur has like this obsession

About fulfilling something while he’s young

To make it while he’s still young and thin and good looking

And while he can still hold his liquor

He wants to make it while he’s still in his youth

He doesn’t want to keep doing this starving artist shit through his 30s

Like he has this fire under his ass, and he feels like time is running out and he has to do it now

He’s like terrified of getting looser

Older*

Taking a quote from Tick Tick Boom, Wilbur wants to be a writer who waits tables, not a waiter with a hobby

If he doesn’t do this now, then he’ll never get to

Wilbur has this flame under his ass that Tommy has in his heart and they fuel each other magnificently

And maybe they’ll go out in a blaze of glory

But they most definitely will Not Die Out

That’s Wilbur’s like saying

Like he wants to go out in a blaze of glory

He wants to set fire to everything around him

Cause mass destruction

Which is,, a little dramatic Wilbur

I just love the idea of Wilbur lik running on the fear of getting older

The fear of getting irrelevant and shit

Like he has to do something great NOW or it’s never gonna happen

Which is why he’s so frantic about it

Gives him a little spice

And then there’s Tommy

Who’s full of energy and passion and youth

And Wilbur just FEEDS off that energy

And Wilbur’s like 22 man

Like he’s still so young

But he’s so adamant about getting more time

So much so that Tommy asks once like “are you fucking dying or something man?”

And Wilbur’s answer is “well we’re all dying, and it’s poetic sure, but it’s what makes everything beautiful, knowing that you won’t always be here to experience it”

and Tommy’s like “my brilliant, so so mentally ill, wilbru”

Wilbur snorts

“ like you’re not just as mentally ill”

“I’m angry sure, but I’m also young. As far as I’m aware, I’ll live forever.”

Wilbur just pushes Tommy’s head and ruffles his hair

“You lovely, lovely idiot.”

“Oi! Who’re you calling an idiot! I’m brilliant, asshole!

Bro I just okay

So like for the first six months of Wilbur and Tommy living together Tommy never told Wilbur his age

At first it was caution

And then it was like an inside joke

And so like Wilbur always assumed Tommy was like 20

And then like 6ish months into them staying together, Wilbur comes home with a 6 pack, as he does during their little writing sessions sometimes

And Tommy grabs one, and immediately like uncaps it with a little bottle opener keychain thing

And starts drinking it, and Wilbur’s laughing and gets his own

And Wilbur goes “so how illegal has this been, just give me a range?”

And Tommy goes “I’m 18”

And Wilbur like chokes on his beer, “IVE BEEN GIVING BEER TO A TEENAGER-“

“I would’ve gotten it myself dumbass. You’re just my en-ay-buh-ler”

Wilbur like doesn’t care after like another 20 minutes when he’s struck with inspiration

It’s not like he would’ve denied Tommy a drink even if he knew the kid was 18

Just enhances how young Tommy is

And how wilbur’s not that young anymore

How he’s still running out of time

Which Tommy will never quite understand

And Wilbur always goes “that’s because you’re so young Tom, you’ll understand soon I swear you will”

And Tommy goes “okay grandpa, okay”

Then Tubbo and Ranboo are Tommy’s “friends his age”, they're his coworkers at like macys, they make Tommy get out of his head and push Tubbo ina. Shopping cart,

“why?” He asks

“because Ranboo says it’s “unsafe” and “irresponsible””

“It is.”

“Shut up Boob boy, we’re doing this.”

I could imagine Tommy writing one of his first major pieces about the teenage experience

With moments between BT

After everyday he just writes and writes and writes

And somehow Tubbo and Ranboo make it into the page

Tommy does writing work shops and he wins awards ocassionally

The short story about childish experiences he didn’t get and gets now, missing things he never had

It’s one of his best pieces yet

It also helps that the contest it won’t had a cash prize

Paid rent for a few weeks yknow

He gets so happy about it

Buys drinks for him and Wilbur

Gives Wil the money

Bc he’s still underaged

He also goes and buys Ranboo a journal, the boys a writer Tommy can tell, and every writer deserves a good journal

Tubbo gets candy or some shit

Tubbo gets trinkets

Tommy goes to these workshops and is like

The youngest one there

That contest is what field Tommy’s fire for a bit

and Technoblade is a regular in the diner that Wilbur and Phil work at -

#yes this is inspired by tick tick boom thank you #tommyinnit #wilbur soot #technoblade #philza #sleepy bois inc

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iamnotawomanimagod · 4 years

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Manic Review - From “Least-Best” to Best

Halsey released her third studio album on 1/17/2020, and it is easily her best. I’ve wanted to talk about it, but first, I need to figure out how I feel about each track in relation to the others. So this is mostly for me, but I’d love to hear how other people are feeling too!

I love all of these songs, I feel so blessed with this album, which is why this goes from “least-best” to “best”, not “worst.”

(I know that’s kind of splitting semantic hairs, but I refuse to disrespect this album, lmao.)

So, without further ado, here are my favorite songs on Manic, starting with the one I like the least:

16 - “Alanis’s Interlude”

This is THE bisexual anthem we’ve all been waiting for from Halsey. It’s cool, sexy, and features some stellar vocals from both Alanis and Halsey. It ranks so low for me only because I’m not a huge fan of the chorus, the machine drums, or the melody, despite loving the message. But the verses are fire, and so are the vocals.

15 - “Still Learning”

I think this track will be a slow-grower for me, the way “Devil in Me” was. Maybe it’s just because it comes on the heels of the deeply, deeply impactful “More” - but I found this didn’t strike the chord I thought it would. It’s a beautiful song, though, and very meaningful to Halsey’s personal journey. I think seeing it live might change my mind about it.

14 - “Finally // beautiful stranger”

This might be the sweetest side of Halsey that we’ve ever seen, especially when it comes to romantic love. The fact that it was inspired by Yungblud makes my heart ache a bit. I really love the duality of the different versions of Ashley in the video. That being said, the genre/style of song isn’t my personal favorite. Her vocals are amazing, though, and some of the lyrics are really poetic. I know this will be an especially tender one live, in front of a Halsey crowd. I can just picture everyone swaying and singing along.

13 - “SUGA’s Interlude”

This interlude is such a soft, sad moment on the album, and it fits really well before “More.” SUGA’s Interlude is all about the way fame has changed both artists, and about how they’ll know when it’s time to step away from the spotlight - and how that might change them. SUGA has excellent flow, and Halsey’s delicate, pining vocals on the chorus is a perfect complement to his introspective rapping. It’s a really sweet song, and part of why it works so well on the album is because it creates such a heartfelt prelude to “More”. The song all about leaving fame behind, followed by the song about loving her unborn child, and how she badly wants to be a mother...gives me chills, man, literal chills. I think I’d like it more if I spoke Korean, but honestly, Korean Halsey fans deserve somethin’ special, so I’m okay with it.

12 - “You should be sad”

I still don’t know if I quite “buy” Y’allsey, but I can’t deny that this is a really fun song. Singing along to the lyrics is so satisfying, and the music video provided us with some serious Looks. The guitar riff between the chorus and the verses makes me feel things, and so does the line: “I’m so glad I never ever had a baby with you,” especially after hearing “More”. I like this song a lot, but compared to the rest of the album, it’s not in my top ten. I think it’ll be a really, really fun one live, though.

11 - “Without Me”

This song and I share a birthday! It’s also where Manic really began, although we had no idea that was the case, at the time. This was the first time Halsey wrote from such a specific and personal place, knowing we would all immediately recognize who the song targeted and why. She’s used this song brilliantly since then, coming up with a dozen different interpretations and set pieces, performing it while chained to a post, while revealing the messages of her cheating ex, while dancing with a beautiful girl, and even more. (It helps a lot that she performed this song with Jade Chynoweth, one of my all-time favorite dancers, and responded to the backlash of that performance by doing it again, but even gayer, just a few weeks later.) We owe a lot to this song. And, as it turns out, it really fits in with the story of Manic, and with the tone, from both a sonic and thematic perspective. I’m still a little tired of it, though, which is why it ranks so low. But - credit where it’s due!

10 - “Dominic’s Interlude”

This one surprised me, although I went in with zero expectations, not knowing who Dominic Fike was. I wish Halsey was actually in this song, but other than that, I think it’s a great interlude. Not to mention: “If you’re looking for signs then you should know, there’s power in the words that you’re thinking.” That’s an incredible line, hit me hard.

9 - “Ashley”

I both love and hate what this song means, because it scares the crap out of me. The way she described it as “a cautious goodbye” in an interview... It’s absolutely a letter to her fans, about Halsey, about who Halsey is, and who Ashley is, and how that balancing act both breaks her and makes her thrive. She can’t keep doing this forever. She knows how much she means to us, and this song is all about how heavy and scary that burden is, but that she’s committed to it, for now. Ending with that line from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was perfect. We’re the ones who shouldn’t assign her our peace of mind, y’know? Her vocals are stunning, though, and I think it’s the strongest opener from any of her albums. This song reminds me of a much less depressing version of “Batter Up” by Brand New, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it influenced her a bit.

8 - “Graveyard”

This song really feels like the older sister of “Without Me”. I love the racing speed of the melody and the rhythm, the way everything is layered so manically and frantically over the verses. It’s actually really easy to get lost in the musicality of this one, even though the lyrics are incredible. I think the music video is my all-time favorite of Halsey’s, because I love all the symbolism in it, and it was really trippy to see her without tattoos. I’ll consider this one a bop for a long, long time.

7 - “clementine”

We’ve had this song for a little while, and it’s been one of my favorites. I was pretty sure it was going to stay that way, even after the album came out, but Halsey surprised me. That being said, I still love the way this song manages to be both playful and petulant, spirited and sad. It has some really beautiful images, and the music video is so pretty.

6 - “I HATE EVERYBODY”

We love a song full of contradictions! This song takes the humor/self-deprecation that started in “Clementine” and “Forever... (is a long time)” and turns it anthemic. The transition from “Dominic’s Interlude” to this song is so perfect, it’s hard not to listen to them one after the other. Halsey once again proves her lyrical prowess and ability to write a relatable bop, which is really what we love her for in the end, right? I love the way the song starts out pretty simply, than swells up into something epic.

5 - “3am”

I love this genre, so much, and I think Halsey completely nails it. This song wouldn’t make anyone bat an eye if you played it in 2007. Most other Halsey songs can’t claim that, and since I’m a sucker for the aughties, this one lives high on my list. It reminds me of P!nk, Avril Lavigne, and Paramore. The lyrics are super relatable, and I love the chorus and the bridge. It’s not the best lyrically, but that bridge honestly makes up for what the rest of the song lacks. Can’t wait to scream that one live! I do wish John Mayer wasn’t rambling on the end, but I also love how that leads into “Without Me”.

4 - “929″

This might sound strange, but I love how this song starts with just Ashley talking; she’s speaking through laughter, challenging her friend playfully. This song feels so real. I love the stream-of-consciousness style of lyrics and the way the melody plays into that. Her voice reminds me so much of early, early Halsey - songs like “Tilt You Back” and “For Ruby”. I can relate so much to some of the things she says, and I love the way it ends. It’s such an interesting contrast to the way her previous albums concluded, too - “Young God” and “Hopeless” are both such epic, sweeping tracks. Ending her most personal album yet with such a tender ode to self-acceptance, and self-discovery, is such a beautiful way to show how much she’s grown, as a person, a songwriter, and a singer. This song makes me nostalgic, proud, happy, just a little sad, and feel so at peace.

3 - “More”

I almost don’t really have words for this song. Knowing Halsey’s story, her very honest and public experiences with infertility and endometriosis, made this song hit me a lot harder than I ever expected. I still can’t quite get through it without crying. It’s an incredibly beautiful song. Painfully, painfully honest, about a topic that’s so rarely openly discussed in pop culture. I don’t even want kids, but the yearning she shows, the hope she still has, the way she says that she’s loved her future child more than anything, and has always loved them; the reference to having already bought baby clothes; the sound of the sonogram machine, and the way it sounds like she’s singing to her baby from outside the womb at the end; it guts me. And again, I don’t want kids. I never expected this kind of honesty or tenderness from her. It’s such a special song, truly. (For the record, I listened to it again to write this and am fully weeping once more.)

2 - “Forever... (is a long time)”

What a surprise this song was! I think it perfectly captures a certain kind of self-destructive behavior that so many of us end up falling into when it comes to relationships. The way the song goes from happy and plucky to this burgeoning feeling of dread, of spiraling down into those dark thoughts that trip all of us up from time to time. It goes from a love song to a break-up song in a matter of seconds, and the transition is spine-tinglingly perfect. The storm building in the background, starting with thunder and dissipating into rain. The way her voice comes back in with the same melody, but minor instead of major. The way the song sort of disintegrates into chaos, and into the realization: “talk to your man...tell him he’s got bad news comin’.” (This is definitely about the Yungblud breakup, right? Nevermind, my heart can’t take that. Gonna pretend I didn’t just realize that.)

1 - “killing boys”

Jennifer’s Body is one of my absolute favorite movies, unironically. I love that Halsey loves it too, enough to include lines from it in the most badass boss bitch song she’s written since “Nightmare”. Her vocals are incredible (those high notes!) - the lyrics are the perfect blend of regretful and rageful - the beat, melodies, and overall composition just fills me up with this impossibly strong sense of “fuck yeah, fuck you.” I don’t have the words to describe how this song makes me feel. I had high hopes, based on the title, and it did not disappoint. This song has some of the cleverest lines on the entire record, and it makes me feel a way that no other song does. That’s what seals it at #1, for me (for now.)

Feel free to reply with yours, or tag me in your own review!! I’m really excited to see some of the more detailed opinions people have, now that the initial “IT’S HERE” hype has started to subside.

stream MANIC by HALSEY today

#manic #manic review #manic era #halsey #ashley frangipane #stephspeaks #ok to reblog #changed some formatting

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lettrespromises · 4 years

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> LettresPromises informs you : you have one notification.

> Letter object : The recipe for an epiphany of love.

> Akaashi Keiji sent you a letter, would you like to read it?

Letter Object : Upon preparing Bokuto’s birthday cake, Akaashi and you wish to fill your duty ever so perfectly and offer Bokuto the sweetest of birthday cakes. Although, you might have found the recipe for an epiphany of love whilst baking... Want to try this recipe? Genre : Pure fluff. Word count : 2.6K.

Author’s letter : ❝dear reader,

why hello and thank you for taking some of your time to read this. i can’t guarantee you the absolute best quality regarding this letter given the fact that i have written it at 3am and my brain uses odd terminologies when it’s getting late, maybe i’ll fix this letter, maybe i’ll let the reader roam in the unknown because of the bizarre writing of my tired brain, hehe. by the way, i can bake some mean cheesecakes so if any of you want the recipe hit me up (do not follow the recipe of this letter)

sealed with a kiss, nikki.❞

Are you looking for a recipe to make to make two protagonists fall in love? You’re in luck! We just so happen to have the list of ingredients! You will need : two individuals who are oblivious to one another’s feelings, three teaspoon of innocence, one tablespoon of genuine adoration and about two doses of luck (precious ingredient). Now that you have gathered all the ingredients necessary, the first step is to reunite the two individuals in the same room.

« … And after separating the eggs, add sour cream and vanilla; mix well. » you read off the recipe stained by flour, or perhaps was it icing sugar?

You let out a sigh you ignored you were holding until now, and cursed yourself right after doing so, now seeing that there was a chain of small tads of flour everywhere. It was the first step on the list of a recipe for a cheesecake, but it seemed like you couldn’t see the end of it. After all, how tricky was it to include several indications within the same step? You threw a shameful glance at the mix in the bowl which, and although you had been working on it with particular attention and dedication to the recipe, still hadn’t changed much.

« Y/N-san, are you doing alright? Is there something I can do to help you? » You swore to yourself that if you didn’t know Akaashi, you could have sworn that this voice belonged to an angel.

« Don’t worry, Akaashi. I’m just finishing this step, I think I should be fine. » You threw a glance to his side, offering him a discreet grin in the process.

You secretly wished that somewhere alongside the repetitive instructions of the recipe, there was a line which instructed you to spend a few eternal minutes looking at your baking partner, a gleam of genuine adoration reflecting in the corner of your eyes. You could only hope though, as if taking a mental picture of your baking partner of the day would ever so magically make the cake taste sweeter. And it’s not as if you were making a love potion neither, you were making Bokuto’s birthday cake out of all things.

Great! Now that you have completed the first step, let’s move on to the second step : given that your two protagonists are in the same room, and possibly alone, create a series of interactions between them and see their reactions.

Whilst you were taking care of the pastry, Akaashi was busy crushing the biscuits which would later form the foundation of the cheesecake. You work in unison, the same recurring thought of wanting to improve your baking capacities haunting you in the nicest way possible. After all, it was going to be Bokuto’s birthday cake— sure, it was going to be eaten in a blink of an eye, but the purpose laying behind each mouthful was not solely for it to leave a layer of bliss on the tastebuds, but also manage to convey an intense sense of love for the birthday boy. And for that, you were both willing to bake until exhaustion, find the secret ingredient hidden in the abyss which will give this cheesecake imaginary sparkles, bend yourself under the echoing pain in your biceps of having to mix the pastry over and over again until reaching the oh so wanted perfection. This cheesecake was not meant to be suitable for a birthday, it was meant to be flawless— it was meant to carry a portion of yourselves.

« Akaashi, do you mind giving me your opinion on the pastry? I don’t know if I should add a little bit more sugar, or maybe more vanilla…» You inquired, your gaze finding his form almost too naturally which you secretly cursed yourself for.

« Of course, Y/N-san, I have no doubt it’s excellent. » Akaashi said in response, almost too naturally as well which made you raise your eyebrow as a visible sign of confusion.

« But you haven’t even tasted it yet…? » You added, the end of your sentence forming an odd mix between a statement and a question, talk about confusion.

« That’s the point exactly. » He concluded his sentence with a grin sent your way, a grin with your name written all over it.

While according yourself excessive seconds to take a mental picture of his smile until swearing to yourself that you would be able to draw his portrait with your lids shut close, you didn’t even notice that he was standing right next to you. The sole acknowledged fact that your shoulders were merely brushing was enough to make the apples of your cheeks beam with a rosy tone, it was already far too much to your liking.

Akaashi took a wandering spoon, not too far away from the bowl and used it to capture enough pastry to taste it—he brought the spoon to his lips, the latter marrying perfectly the shape of the instrument to savor each bit of dough left on the silver spoon. His tongue clicked a few times against the roof of his mouth, a deed which echoed to a will of reminiscing the flavor of the pastry which had already faded from his tastebuds a bit to soon to his liking. His thoughts on what you had prepared was readable all over his face, his facial traits bent under the pleasing myriad of sensations which had bloomed on his tastebuds.

« Exactly what I thought : it’s excellent. I’m sure it will be even better once it’s baked. » Akaashi concluded while grabbing another spoon and covered it in pastry, « Would you like to taste it as well, Y/N-san? I believe it will help convince yourself. » he followed, bringing the silver instrument in your direction as an inviting gesture to taste your own creation.

« Aah! Thank you so much, Akaashi, I’m so glad you like it so far! I can’t wait to taste the real deal though, but we’re going to have to wait a little bit before getting the chance to eat it. », you offered him a grin to punctuate the end of your sentence, « Sure, sure, I’ll taste the dough. »

Congratulations on finishing the second step! Keep on following our recipe to obtain the perfect result! The next step on our list is a bit tricky to accomplish— now that you have reunited your two protagonists, it is now time to add three teaspoons of innocence!

It was an inviting gesture to say the least, inviting until crossing the limits of invasion. Akaashi’s free hand cupped the bottom of your chin, acting as a form of protection to avoid any adventurous drop of pastry to stain your clothes, the other hand, however, was bound to break the invisible barrier of your lips with the help of the spoon. You steadied his hand by allowing your fingertips to brush over the flesh of his wrist, steadied was a hyperbole— the truth of the matter was that you solely wanted to return the attention given by the faint touches. After gaining enough pseudo stability (what a liar you were), you parted your lips open and were welcomed with a waltz of savors dancing all over the dancing floor that were your tastebuds. You breathed out in response, a deed which echoed to a hum of satisfaction, it was the signal Akaashi waited for to remove the spoon from the embrace of your lips.

And although your mouth was free from any foreign presence, Akaashi still felt the need to let his digits roam a bit longer on the flesh of your chin. He ignored why, nor did he want to know the obscure reasoning of his subconscious, but it felt right. It was a mutual exchange of fainted touches—too shy to be complete, not bold enough to respond to the exigences screamed by the heart. But yet, they were there. And perhaps the fact these touches were ephemeral and delicate was more poetic than if they happened to be decisive and hailing from a state of reflexion— they were fragile, and yet cherished because of their fatality at once.

« Forgive me, Y/N-san, it seems I have lacked a bit of cautiousness with the spoon. » Akaashi whispered, fearful that adopting a tone high enough would shatter the environment of this metaphor of half-felt touches.

Using the hold he had on your chin, Akaashi swept the pad of his thumb on the corner of your lips as if he was brushing his digit against the finest porcelain, where a hint of pastry was residing. His orbs fell on yours and shone by their newly acquired sense of victory. Only then, he broke by himself this balance of secret touches between you and made them fade away. Leaving the portion of skin he had just brushed against burning and already craving his touch.

« You’re all set now, should we put this in the oven now? » Akaashi wondered, hiding behind a façade of fake innocence.

« Yeah, yeah— I think it’s a good idea. » You responded, and oddly enough, you sounded out of breath.

My, my, my! We’re approaching the very last steps! Alright, everyone— the next step on our recipe is to provoke the cause of an oh so unfortunate event by adding two doses of luck, did you sense the sarcasm here? I knew you would!

Your eyes trailed after Akaashi’s movements, perhaps you were scared that the cake would fall flat on the floor before even getting the chance to be cooked? But you had too much faith in his sense of balance, after all, didn’t he find a way to balance your secret touches earlier on? Your haunting thoughts and doubts faded away once the soon-to-be caramelized cheesecake had been put in the oven, now you had nothing to worry ab-…

« A-Ah! I think I burnt myself against the door of the oven, fret not, it’s probably nothing though. I was just surprised, that’s all. » Akaashi half-stated, shared between a hint of worry for this pointer finger and the fear of making you worry for nothing.

Oopsies! Talk about an unfortunate event right there! We’re approaching the very last bits of this recipe with the very last step : add one tablespoon of genuine adoration, make sure to mix all the ingredients very well to obtain an even result!

« You still burnt your finger, and that’s not nothing! At least let me help you, even though you think it’s not that big of a deal : ever heard of magic kisses, ‘Kaashi? » You questioned him, cradling his martyr of an index delicately in the hold of your digits to obtain a better view of the scarlet colored flesh.

« Mhm, I think I must have heard of them, I can’t say I have had the opportunity to try these magic kisses though. » He continued, adopting the same amused tone as you did, to which you replied with a hushed laughter.

You brought his pseudo-wounded finger to your lips, and before offering salvation to his index, you looked at him through your lashes as a silent way to ask him for permission before continuing. Akaashi could only offer a grin at your antics, but he couldn’t gather enough strength and conviction within himself to detach his gaze from your each and every move. With the granted permission, you delivered a saving peck upon the abused flesh of his finger— it was a moment of grace, and he convinced himself that he would never feel pain ever again after having his skin immortalized by your kiss.

And there you have it, folks! After mixing all the ingredients well and respecting all the steps to this recipe you should be left with two protagonists whose hearts now beat for one another! Thank you for following this recipe, and always make sure to let a few minutes pass by before officially considering it done and over with!

For the first time in his life, Akaashi Keiji had an epiphany.

A visionary moment, a sudden realization which changed his perspective on life. He felt hit by an invisible hammer, but the pseudo-pain was enough to make him discover everything he thought he once knew— and that is precisely how he realized that with the sole brush of your lips against his skin, you made him discover a new panorama of life which he had always ignored. He had forgotten about everything but you.

For the first time in his life, Akaashi Keiji fell in love.

He felt like he was falling down in an endless hole and, paradoxically enough, felt like he was drowning at once. It’s been so long since the sea of his heart was silent, when the waves ceased and fell against the shore in a whisper. And for once, he didn’t know where to begin, but soaking in your traits was similar to taking a sip of eternity and the sun, the moon and the stars never tasted so good.

« Y/N-san, may I kiss you? » He whispered, a wish barely audible but vivified by the torment of his newfound emotions.

« Akaashi… Yes, yes you can. » You hushed back, your words crashing softly against his skin.

The hollow of his heart in perpetual quest of adoration was bound to be filled in the most poetic way possible. Everything and anything about you was the muse to the most idealistic poems, and each verse was meant to witness an eternal renaissance.

His hands encompassed your waist, almost in a lion-like gesture too eager to devote all of his attention to his newfound gem. Using the strength in his arms, he placed you on the kitchen counter amongst all the sugar, flour and icing— it was where it all started, like an eternal cycle which had finally found a halt, if you will. His palm cupped the soft flesh of your cheek, and he took a moment to savor the last instants before witnessing the rebirth of his aching heart under a new light.

And then it came— the crash of his plump lips against yours in a marriage of sensations. Your bodies responded silently to one another, both of you had your lids shut and yet there were haunting images of a myriad of shooting stars flashing behind your closed lids. Your fingertips melted with the scalp of his head, inviting him to amplify the kiss to make erupt yet another series of shooting stars. And even with your eyes closed, the imagery was still vivid and each sensation was emphasized which caused a line of thrills to run down your spine. And for a moment, amongst all this quiet chaos, you wondered if this is what the seventh sky seemed like— your frame melting in Akaashi’s, your lips adopting the shape of his like a match made in heaven.

But in the excitement, the course of adrenaline eventually failed you and so did your lungs. You both pulled the way at the same time, your bodies still in communion although your lips were no longer connected, but instead, Akaashi rested his forehead on yours.

« Please enlighten me on one thing, doll : was this a recipe for a cheesecake or a recipe for to make an epiphany of love come true? »

#akaashi x reader #akaashi #akaashi keiji x reader #akaashi keiji #haikyuu #hq!!#akaashi fluff #haikyuu x reader #akaashi hcs #akaashi hc #akaashi one shot #haikyuu reader insert

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viaverona · 5 years

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please don’t say you love me.

characters: changkyun / reader genre: angst, a bit of fluff, a very small bit of smut / cw: alcohol word count: 1.8k summary: despite his promises, changkyun falls for the wrong person.

song: billie eilish - when the party’s over

prompt 1 of what was originally supposed to be an october writing challenge, but will now continue indefinitely bc i suck at this and nobody is surprised

➢ masterlist; ➢ comments & requests;

Changkyun’s mouth is your least favourite thing about him, if you had to choose.

Sometimes, it knows exactly what to say, the words so sweet and takes so wise he can leave you speechless. Changkyun is a great speaker, charming, intelligent, charismatic and everything else that makes you want to drink in every word that passes through his lips. Other times, he speaks without thinking, his words more dangerous than a sharpened blade, his cynicism seeping heavy through every letter. You’ve known Changkyun since he was in diapers and he developed a smart mouth from the moment he became aware of the world surrounding him. It got him in trouble just about as much as it earned him favours. He is poetic, he is harsh; he is thoughtless, he is sensible. Everyone either adores or despises him.

You are firmly on one side of that scale and it has nothing to do with the way his tongue runs alongside the most sensitive of your parts, taking you to your highest highs as you clench around the expert tip of his tongue that could so easily ruin lives.

You unclasp your fingers out of his hair, lungs still struggling to fill with air after it got knocked out of you while Changkyun gives a pat on your thighs, pulling back with a satisfied smirk, lips glistening with your release. He looks very proud of himself as he jumps in bed next to you, propping his arms behind his head. Wordlessly, you stand up and pull your underwear and trousers on, then throw him his t-shirt.

“We need to be at Hyunwoo’s in 20 minutes, get dressed.”

“What if we don’t go?” he says. “We get some pizza, put on a shitty movie and get some cuddles in.”

“Cuddles?!” You ask, frowning. “What’s gotten into you lately, you’re acting weird. Are you going all soft on me?”

Changkyun thinks for a long second, his eyes scanning your face for any indication on whether you think going soft would be good or not. “Would that be so terrible?” The laugh you let out in response claws at his heart.

“Stop joking around. Look everyone’s already there, come on.”

Changkyun is quiet the entire bus trip to your friend’s house. He is in no mood for a party when his brain’s going a hundred miles per hour with vivid images of you and he chastises himself for allowing this to happen, to fall for the one person he promised he wouldn’t. There’s anger bubbling in his stomach at the way you’re sitting next to him, completely oblivious of the grip you’ve taken on his heart, on his entire existence and he feels like he’s about to burst at the seams if he doesn’t let it out somehow.

Changkyun disappears from your side as soon as you step inside Hyunwoo’s house. His only goal for tonight is to drink his feelings away and that’s exactly what the stacked bar is going to do. He grabs a small bottle of rum and plops himself down on the couch next to two people he’s never met, and he never will because he spares them no second glance, even when they’re trying to include him in the conversation.

He hates the way you have no trouble starting mingling with people right away. Changkyun watches intently as he nurses the bottle to his lips. You look so bright and beautiful greeting the host and his jock friends and he despises it; he despises that you’re the only thing on his mind lately. Twenty years he’s known you and he never thought he would end up caught in this moment like a fool, pining for someone who doesn’t share his feelings, at least not in the way he wants them to. He is a much too rational and proud person to accept his fate as a victim of his heart; that weak, stupid heart that decided it would only beat faster for one person only: you.

You don’t see each other for most of the party. You are usually inseparable, but tonight Changkyun’s avoiding you, choosing instead to waste away in corners of the room without ever speaking to anyone. He watches the party goers, judging every step they take until you catch his eye for a split second with the way you smile or do that annoying hair flip over your shoulder or fiddle with the hem of your dress as you speak to someone. Normally, he would have been out of there as soon as he realized he wasn’t in the mood for any social gatherings, but he’s stubbornly sticking it out tonight, refusing to let you out of his sight.

It’s about 3am when the party winds down and people go their own ways; everyone except himself, you, Hyunwoo and a couple other friends who decide to catch the sunrise together from the living room floor.

“There’s only one thing we should be doing right now,” one guy with a creepy smile suggests. He’s wearing a boisterous floral shirt that Changkyun finds absolutely disgusting and he’s sitting cross legged in the middle of a fouton like he’s the king of the castle. “Never have I ever anyone?”

There’s a whoop of approval around the room and someone is already filling the shot glasses with poison, then one by one they start spilling questions.

“Never have I ever had sex in a public space,” red haired girl whose name Changkyun cannot remember offers with an innocent smile. He drinks, you drink, and exchange a quick knowing look. That was pretty early on at the start of this friends with benefits thing. Having sex in the Swedish literature aisle of your library was not either of your proudest moments, but it earned a chuckle every time it got brought up. You’d promised the library was off limits after that.

Two rounds in, everyone starts getting rowdier as the question become more revealing than Changkyun is willing to let know. He feigns a stomach ache and pauses his drinking; you, on the other hand, barely glance towards him as you become enraptured with the group’s stories. Your cheeks are dusted in red as you drink for yet another racy questions and you smile shyly when people inevitably ask for details. Changkyun doesn’t hear anything. He’s tuned out the voices, the noises, all his senses are just drowning in the way you’re slouched against a couch, tucking your hair behind your ear and wetting your pretty, sinful lips that he never gets to kiss like he wants to. Everyone disappears and it’s just you.

“-kyun?” The call of his name pulls him out of his momentary reverie. “It’s your turn.”

They all fall silent waiting for him to say something and Changkyun’s eyes are fixed into yours. He licks his lips, takes a deep breath and says, “Never have I ever fallen in love with my best friend.”

The air feels heavy as the words float around the living room that stinks of booze and people. Changkyun doesn’t even wait for anyone to drink before he downs his entire glass.

“I’m not in the mood to play anymore,” you say, pushing yourself up off the floor and storming to the exit.

Good job, Changkyun, you’ve really done it this time.

“Wait, where are you going?!” Changkyun chases after you, but you speed up every time you feel he’s near. “Hey! Stop!”

You come abruptly to a halt and he stops several feet behind you. When you eventually get the courage to turn around and face him, you are fighting back tears.

“Why would you say that?” you whisper.

“Because it’s true. Because I—“

“Don’t say it. Please don’t say you love me.”

In spite of it, Changkyun blurts out almost immediately. “I love you.”

“Changkyun!!” his name comes out in a sob and it’s the last straw before your tears begin streaming down your flushed cheeks. He knows he should feel guilty. He feels everything but that. He feels free, weightless, you’re finally aware. “It was our rule, that we wouldn’t fall in love. You said you wouldn’t.”

“That was a year ago! How could I have known the effect you’d end up having on me? How could I have known you would end up being the only person I want and need.”

“You’re drunk and you don’t mean that.”

“I might be drunk but I mean every single word.”

You sob again and fall into a crouch on the pavement, face buried into your arms. Normally, he would be your shoulder to cry on whenever you needed and now he couldn’t. His fingers itch to grab you by the shoulders, to bury themselves into your hair as he held you. He never wanted to be the reason for your tears and now he didn’t know how to make it better.

“I’m sorry, I tried to stop myself.”

“How did you try? By having more sex together?” You are right, that was a lie. He didn’t really try. He should have put an end to it as soon as he realized things were changing, but he couldn’t. He became intoxicated, he wanted, no, he needed more of you, more of your time, more of your body, more of your mind. You’d started this relationship out of a mistake, a simple yearning to know what it would be like that ended in a year long situation. It was great for a while, but Changkyun should have known it wouldn’t last and he couldn’t make you love him, not like that. He’d been selfishly holding on and now it was painfully sinking in. Your waning sobs become sad laughter. “You know, I always thought it would be me,” you confess, “that I’d catch feelings and ruin everything. Funny, right?”

“Hilarious,” he says sarcastically. “I take it it’s over.”

You stand up and use a sleeve of your dress to wipe the tear stains on your face. “You think?! Maybe we shouldn’t have started it in the first place.”

“Don’t say that. It will kill me if you’re going to regret this whole year. Give me that, at least.”

Changkyun is your best friend. He looks like your best friend. But at that moment he doesn’t sound like himself any longer. He sounds like a fool in love; he sounds like you two years ago banging on your ex-boyfriend’s door pathetically begging him to take you back. Changkyun has been there through that and through everything else. You pity him and his foolish heart and you almost wish you could have given him yours back in the same way just to spare him the ache that’s yet to come.

“Come on, loser, walk me home and then don’t talk to me for a week.”

#mxwriters #monsta x scenarios #monsta x #changkyun #i.m #monsta x fanfic #monsta x angst #changkyun scenarios #changkyun angst #i.m scenarios #olivejar

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imhereforbvcky · 7 years

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imhereforbvcky's Marvel Receptacle

Okay I have read so many great stories on here but I’m absolute shit about leaving feedback, so here we go. The list of Marvel fics I’ve read and love (at least that I can remember). I’ll keep adding as I read them.

Last updated: 1/12/18 (search fic rec on my blog for more recent)

One Shots

Fluff (one shots)

Sand and Sea by @denialanderror This floof is too fun and I love the patented Bumbles sass. Summary: It’s too hot to do anything but you have the marvelous idea of taking a trip to the beach. However, Bucky just likes to be difficult, it seems.

Make Me by @marvelatmytrash This light-hearted one is so sweet and funny. I’m obsessed with this idea. I giggled the whole time. Summary: You catch Bucky in a compromising position and are a little less than helpful in getting your boyfriend out of his sticky situation.

I’ve got my love to keep me warm by @sugardaddytonystark A gorgeous holiday fic that is a beautiful balance of sweet and sultry. It literally feels like reading a dream. It’s just so gorgeously worded ugh. You need to read this. Summary: Outside the window, in the city square, the bulbs on the Christmas tree are still twinkling, rainbow lights reflecting off and refracting through the glass. A growing sheet of white snow is covering the ground and everything beyond the diner is ice-covered and frozen. But inside, it’s warm, and the air is thick with the smell of cinnamon and stew. James is here and your heart is pounding, stomach fluttering, and it feels good to feel this way, even if it’s not reciprocated.

A Freshly Brewed Storm by @doublestufthoreo I adore this fic. It is fun and not quite fluff. It looks at another side of Steve, what daily life Steve might look like. What adjusting might look like. Summary: Yeah, he’s is Captain America — he’s supposed to be the punctual one. It doesn’t stop him from running a coffee shop with terrible timings. Despite it, he does manage to bring back a regular.

Siblings Be Cray Cray by @littlemisssyreid I adore this fic. It is hilarious and relatable and so perfectly Tony. Summary: You’re Tony’s sister and at the team’s nagging he barges into your place to keep you company while you’re sick.

Smooth Criminal by @redgillan This fic is so fucking adorable I cannot make the words do the word thing to explain how much I love it. It is so fluffy but still cute and silly and fun so it’s not just like tooth rotting fluff. I’m obsessed with it. Summary: Bucky’s a cop and got called to a crime scene to arrest a criminal but he realizes the criminal is the person he’s dating.

Pool Balls and Underpants by @bitsandbobsandstuff Listen. This fic is so sassy and adorable, you should really read it like yesterday. I cannot handle the banter and the tension is just so flawless. Summary: Bucky offers to teach you how to play pool, but he ends up in a slightly awkward predicament.

Angst (one shots)

Hello & Goodbye Stranger by @serzhantkris Two sides of the same story, I don’t know how Kris put so much feeling into this brief exchange on a bus but I love it. Summary: Hello: You meet the love of your life on a bus. Based on “Hello” by Adele. Goodbye Stranger: Bucky falls in love with a woman on a bus. Based on “Goodbye Stranger” by Supertramp.

I’ve Got You by @serzhantkris I’m usually not a fan of soulmate AUs but holy fuckin shit. The aaaangst kills me in this one and I love it. I could re-read this one a thousand times. Summary: Soulmate au where instead of your soulmates first words to you written on your skin it’s their last words you ever hear them say so you don’t know who your soulmate is until you lose them.

Ocean Eyes by @whothehellisbella A really poetic and beautiful group of one shots. Soft and sad, just like the song :)

Brave: (Verb.) by @iwillbeinmynest I love this fic because while the reader is a badass, she isn’t perfect. She gets scared, she freezes, she’s so perfectly, relatably normal. I am obsessed with powerful normal characters right now. Summary: Prompt fic: “Scared is what you’re feeling. Brave is what you’re doing.”

Combo/Other (any combination of fluff+angst+smut) (one shots)

Feel Me by @avasparks (renewed version) An enhanced reader helps Bucky work into life after the Winter Soldier. It’s soft and intense and then sexy aaah. I love this one.

Five Sweaters To Make You Want Me by @sebbytrash Ok look, there is not one thing that isn’t flawless here. Not. One. I love this story so much. It’s cute and sweet and a dash of angst and a scoop of omg this might blow up in a bad way, and then flawless resolution. Kale! How do you nail the endings so well???? I give up.

Breakfast by @sugardaddytonystark Smug, pain in the ass Buckaroo is my favorite Buckaroo. This is some seriously fantastic smut and I love love love all the banter. Summary: It’s not like you were jealous.Yeah, you and Steve have been roommates for two years. And yeah, you consider him your best friend. But you know that Bucky was Steve’s friend first, and now that Bucky has moved in to the third bedroom, it’s about time that you accept being the third wheel. or Steve is out of town so you and Bucky hate fuck.

Ok this isn’t a one shot, but @emilyevanston‘s headcannons They’re so much fun and there’s honestly something for everyone. EVERYONE. Also I don’t know how the hell Kate keeps up with them all and manages to link them all! But she does. Bless her soul.

I Lost It by @theashhole An amazing bundle of fics that are adorable and painful. Soaring high or crashing with the pain. I love it and am amazed at the range Ash can reach with just two parts so far! Summary: We follow Bucky as he describes the three times in his life where he has ‘lost it’ with you.

Haunted by @abovethesmokestacks This fic is magic. Pure magic. What starts as a mysterious and haunting scene melts into a tremendously endearing and gentle story. I love it. It doesn’t push things too quickly, I love the pace and it allows the sweet little gems shine t he brighter. Love. It. Summary: Prompt fic: “I know you, don’t I?” for a Halloween writing challenge

Series

Angst (series)

Death Wish by @helaodinsdottirr Listen. You need to read this. You just do. it’s so dang good and intense and the slow burn is soooo goood uuuuugh. Summary: You answer a frantic phone call from an old acquaintance to help their dying friend, who just so happens to be an Avenger. But doing a good deed has more consequences than one might think. Saving him might just mean condemning yourself.

What We Deserve by @helaodinsdottirr I just can’t get enough of Jess’s writing, alright? She will break your heart with this one and then give you back a taped up ball of glowing happy. Summary: When Steve goes to Bucky’s apartment in Bucharest he finds you while Bucky’s gone out to the market. Massive angst and fluff ensues.

Thicker Than Water by @nataliarxmanxva This concept is incredible and I love how Sophia weaves bits of hinted at stories from the Cap movies into this story. It’s so great! And the reader character is strong but flawed and you just don’t know what’s going to happen! Summary: Being born and raised in a HYDRA family means you must be a devoted member to the organisation, carrying out orders with blind obedience. But after being assigned the suicide mission of being the Winter Soldier’s handler, you slowly start to question where your loyalties truly lie.

The Night Ahead by @helaodinsdottirr I love all of Jess’s writing. She is a master of angst and building dramatic tension. She can weave a story so full of surprises and genius turns. Summary: Bucky came out of cryostasis after just a few months. With the help of Steve, he’s trying to piece the fractions of his mind back together. While flipping through old HYDRA files, he remembers something from his days as the winter soldier: you.

Through His Eyes by @sebbytrash This. Series. Is fan-fucking-tastic. So much angst, like truckloads on all sides but it’s so beautiful and it makes so much sense that it doesn’t feel like overload. I can’t get enough of this one no matter where it goes. Summary: Bucky arrives at the compound to start afresh but you and him have a somewhat colorful past, colorful being that you met him once before as The Winter Soldier and it did not go well. New beginnings, yeah? If you can learn to forgive.

Barnes’ Books by @marvel-lucy Fantastically angsty and soft. A lovely little dream world about a down on her luck character who stumbles into a friendship with a bookstore owner and later a relationship with his son.

Winter Shadow by @marvel-lucy Intense and mysterious. You fall into the hands of the avengers as a prisoner, they soon discover that you have been the Winter Soldier’s silent partner all along.

Combo/Other (any combination of fluff+angst+smut) (series)

Surrender by @marvel-ash Holy shit this is one where I honestly never know what’s going to happen in the next part. It’s so mysterious and gah! I love it. Summary: As a flight attendant, you’d traveled all over the world. You’d never thought you could meet someone who could take you somewhere you hadn’t already been.

Divided by @marvelatmytrash Ok this is so fantastically done. I don’t even have the words. Basically B injects the reader as a new character in Civil War and it’s incredible how seamlessly she fits her in and how hard B worked to keep to the script/storyline. It’s amazing. Summary: You have always been one of the best agents at the Avenger’s compound, now you come face to face with the Winter Soldier and find yourself drastically underprepared.

Melodies by @denialanderror Pianist Bucky smut. That’s all that needs to be said here, I think. Summary: Unable to fall back asleep, you decide to wander around the tower when you hear music coming from somewhere. But it’s 3am, no one should be awake so late.

Heart On The Line by @sugardaddytonystark The smoothest story you can find with the most delicious smut weaved into a genuinely entertaining story. I love this fic. I love a lot of Dahlia’s fics. Summary: You and Bucky had your differences in college, but now you need a place to stay and he needs a roommate, and in order to make ends meet, you two start a phone sex line together.

Worth Fighting For by @serzhantkris A gorgeous group of series. Full of angst and action. Beautifully slow build. I’ve read a few of her other one shots that are fantastic! She writes incredibly insightful angst. Summary: When your brother is drafted into WWII, you do the unthinkable to save him and your family: you take his place, in secret.

The Witching Hour by @soldatbarnes Such a fun and terrifying horror series! Oh my god I binged this in one night. Fantastic push and pull of no this can’t be real to no, fuck no, I would not put up with this! The perfect play of rational mind dealing with irrational occurrences. It was so entertaining. Summary: You and your husband Bucky move into your dream home, a few weeks after your marriage. You had no idea what you’d be in for.

When Everything’s Made to be Broken (I just Want You to Know Who I Am) by @cassiopeiassky You listen to me! Read this fic and read it right now! Binge the shit out of it! It’s amazing! I LOVE that it takes an ordinary reader and puts her in extraordinary circumstances. It is full of angst and fluff and violence and tension. Literally everything you could want in a fic. It’s perfect and so worth the read. Cass is a master of slow burn and drama – my two favorite things! Summary: When you inadvertently become a witness to a murder and are suddenly a target for death, it takes a specially skilled soldier and his team to keep you and your family safe.

#fic recs #imhereforbvcky's marvel receptacle #fic rec #bucky x reader #bucky imagines #bucky barnes #marvel imagine

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littleforestfairy · 7 years

Note

Every aesthetic ask :3c

God damn it Shay

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

Yesterday when I was singing a Seventeen song stuck in my head

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

Will I ever meet all of my friends in person???

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Uuuhhh I’m not really sure?? I can’t really think of any big accomplishments I’ve made yet

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

Laughing so freaking hard at a ridiculous clip from a Seventeen concert

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I guess I would work harder to finish things, put something amazing out into the world to be remembered by

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

1. Become a well known author

2. Meet all my friends in person

3. Go to Japan

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

I’ll do my sister cus I was just talking to her:

She’s incredibly talented at things like knitting and sewing and playing the piano, but it’s sad how much she underestimates her talents because she’s so impatient and wants to already be at a certain level and convinces herself she should be there already with how long she’s been doing it. Her natural personality is pure sarcasm and sass, teasing and poking fun and pointing out dumb questions with sarcastic answers, she has almost no filter, saying what’s on her mind even if it’s probably not the best time to say it, and sometimes she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it because it’s like her default setting. She’s got a hot head sometimes and has a tendency to get easily angered over small things, building up on top of other small things until it’s a big thing she can’t take anymore. She’s also very caring. She’s the oldest and, even though I don’t want her to do it, she has always put others before herself, ensuring that my brother and I were always comforted and taken care of first even when she felt like breaking down. With that she bottles up her emotions too much, convinces herself that her well-being doesn’t need to come first when it comes to my safety. Though I know she’s trying hard to snap out of that mentality, it’s just hard. She can get very excited over the things she loves, not exactly outwardly jumpy or bubbly, but more excited and frustrated rambling for an hour after she’s binged an entire show in 2 days.

I’m gonna stop there cus it’s so long already

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

Yeah, I did!! I have loving parents who always did what they could to ensure we were happy, and siblings close in age (well, one being a twin), so we were able to grow up together and never any distance cus of age or anything

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

Like last week

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

Hmmm I pick my lovely friend Mark because I know he loves space and stars and I think he’d really enjoy just hanging out and stargazing

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

Nooooo, I could never ever do that

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

A few days ago with Yams!! We were talking about kpop !!

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

Uuuuhhhhh I have no idea honestly, that’s too much pressure

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

They’re very nice! And very underappreciated! My sister and dad have very dark brown eyes that they look almost black and they’re super cool

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

"When someone leaves your life, those exits are not made equal. Some are beautiful and poetic and satisfying. Others are abrupt and unfair. But most are just unremarkable, unintentional, clumsy." - Griffin McElroy

It was in the last episode of The Stolen Century and it just really resonates with me personally because it is very very true

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

“I Never Get Anything Done and It’s a Surprise This Got Done”

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

buy a huge house, buy my parents and my sister their dream cars, go meet up with all my friends, go on a huge vacation with my family to Japan or Germany, or both

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

I try to be, I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I do like trying to see good in people and find out if they really meant something hurtful. I don’t forgive people who refuse to be sorry though or really hurt me, that’s just too much to ask

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

In a year, you're gonna go through the worst tragedy of your whole life, it's gonna make everything feel like the world is falling apart, but I promise you'll be okay in time, it gets easier and you'll have your family to be beside you. And in a few years, you're gonna meet the bestest friends you've ever had who will become like a second family, and that entire summer when you meet them will be the best summer of your whole life, because you'll spend every day and every night laughing with them and it'll be so freaking amazing.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Definitely pastel!

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

They’re super cool and while I personally don’t want any tattoos and I have no idea when I’ll even pierce my ears, people should be allowed to do whatever they want to their own bodies, they’re great ways of expressing yourself and showing to the world who you are and what’s important to you and what you love.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

Nope, just not really my thing.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

iiiii dunno, nothing really comes to my mind at the moment

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

“Why are you listening to me, that’s creepy”

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

I’ve been to no concerts!! Except Cheetah Girls when I was like 9 or 10 or something!

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

I dunno honestly

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

I do have a desk but I don’t use it rn cus I don’t have a chair. It’s an art desk so my paint and stuff is mostly organized, though there is a bit of a mess that I’ll move whenever I get a chair

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

Brush my teeth, get a bottle of water, watch videos until I get sleepy

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

Uuuhhhhh that I read smut fanfics a LOT

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

I would dye it cotton candy pink because it’s a freaking super cute color, but it would require bleaching for my hair and I don’t want that

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

I don’t wanna pick just five I wanna pick all my friends and we’ll all go on a road trip and hit all the touristy spots

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

I actually do make wishes when it’s 11:11, but tbh I don’t wanna say anything I do or would wish for, cus you’re not supposed to say wishes or they won’t come true !

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

I didn’t put it together, but my grandma did, and it was a green, white, and pink fairy dress with sheer fabric over it and little flowers on the sheer and it was big on me but it was super cute

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

I’ve never been drunk or high !

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Kill someone

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

Only listen to one song. Because I’ve got too many people important to me and I don’t wanna see just ONE of them for the rest of my life

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

Noooope

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

I’ve had short hair before and I didn’t like it, I much much prefer long hair

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Usually it’s just strawberries and creme frappucino, which is. just a menu item so I would trust anyone to order it. But when we have the money, I get a banana chocolate chip frappucino and it’s not really that complicated, so I’m sure anyone could order it

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

My friends and family !!

#ask #i love u shay but why you do this to me #okay-pie

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sugasgrowl · 7 years

Text

Things Never Changed

Group: Got7

Member: Mark Tuan

Pairing: member x reader

Genre: Angst/Fluff

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2739

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Okay so I’m slowly becoming Got7 trash thanks to @fortheloveofsuga (fuck you for giving me “feelings”) so I was compelled to write something for them. I just kinda wrote this at like 3am on my phone and debated on whether not to post it, but I decided I would. :)

@seokvie @gotsinvn @mark-myass (i know y’all appreciate Got7 so here ya go *insert side eye emoji*)

--------------------------

There’s an old philosophy that says “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. The sentiment seems beautiful. Poetic, even. The thought that your absence from someone’s life will be an ever-present hollowness that makes it nearly impossible to complete simple daily tasks--the constant memory of the one you love dancing along the edges of your mind, just barely out of reach from your shaking and nostalgic fingers. The deep and meaningful love a connection that is blatant and comforting and unwavering, even with thousands of miles of ocean separating you. Poetic, indeed.

But it's just not realistic.

Mark rested his forehead against the cool glass, the earth an inky black top spinning in slow motion below him--twinkling gold and blinding white flecks of city lights flickering meekly in the never ending tar-like expanse of sleeping civilization that was creeping painstakingly slow underneath the plane. To no avail, he tried to still his shaking leg, to relax his muscles and sleep, but his body was completely indifferent to the fact that he hadn’t gotten more than three hours of sleep in the past two days. He sighed deeply and adjusted the earbuds shoved carelessly in his ears. The loud and percussive drum beats stitched together in the song that played at a volume far too loud to be healthy going unnoticed for the third hour in a row, his racing mind too clouded with her and his belly too full of nerves to give a damn. He was so ready to get home to her.

Four months. That's how long it had been since he’d held her. Since he could let his dark irises, heavily lidded and glazed with the haze brought on by countless rounds of passionate sex, drink in her every detail and attempt to commit every blemish, freckle, scar, and pore to memory. Four whole months since he could reach out and brush the tips of his fingers along the seam of her kiss-swollen lips without the harsh screen of a phone or laptop getting in his way. Since he could hear her loud, genuine laughter without the crackle of a phone speaker rudely interrupting.

It was fucking torture.

At first, they did their best to squeeze phone calls and late night FaceTime sessions into their (well, his) busy schedules, determined to do everything in their power to make it a functioning relationship. The calls were filled with lazy smiles and bursts of high pitched hyena laughter as he would retell his tales of touring, most of them involving Jackson’s shenanigans. She would always stare at the pixelated version of him on her phone screen, her smiling eyes twinkling brightly. More often than not he would attempt to continue with his stories and try to ignore the way his heart beat just a little faster at the weight of her gaze.

He would get distracted by her half smile, losing his train of thought and his ability to form a complete sentence.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he’d muse, his piercing laugh and the faint pink dusting of embarrassment blooming on his cheeks made her smile grow in size.

She'd shrug and shake her head, her smile nearly blinding.

“I'm just really proud of you.”

But all too soon one of them would be mumbling incoherently, drunk on exhaustion.

The frequent calls lasted about a month before the reality began to set in that long distance relationships are hard, the real world marching forward to yank them out of the honeymoon phase by their toenails.

Reality wasn't whispered sweet-nothings and hours of sleep lost due to the giddiness brought on by hearing each other’s voices. It was one of them--usually Mark--barely able to keep his eyes open, regardless of the time of day they found time to talk. It was him forgetting to let her know that he wouldn't be able to get in touch, and her waiting for hours until anger burned her throat like acid. Or her hearing a rumor that he was seeing someone else and calling him in tears, desperate for reassurance. Or simply both of them missing each other so deeply that they questioned if the pain was worth it in end.

The triggers almost never changed, regardless of the country he travelled to.

There were time zones, really fucking crazy time zones. There were drops in service. Hours and hours of radio silence, one of them almost always busy with their lives and responsibilities. Neither of them were strangers to misplaced anger, the bitter words and sharp comments climbing from deep inside them like a beast that had been lying dormant while Mark had been staying at her apartment like a semi-normal boyfriend.

Opposed to never ending patience and understanding, real life wormed its way into their hearts. But despite the ridiculous strain that came with a long distance relationship (and an idol relationship on top of that), there was faith that they could make it. There was the hope that they could last, the brief and fleeting moments of happiness a flickering candle flame. A beacon of light to lead them through the fights and frustrations.

Reality was hardly hearing from her, or her from him, in two and a half weeks aside from the argument they had three nights before. Reality was him sending her a text saying My flight should land around 2:30 and having two letters stare him blankly in the face, speaking volumes more than she did after she hung up on him for snapping at her all those days ago.

[10:45pm] Ok.

He was unsure at what point during the flight he fell asleep, but Mark awoke with a start, Jaebum’s warm hand firmly shaking his shoulder. Mark squinted up at his leader dumbly, red marks temporarily marring his lean face from the way he had rested his cheek against the sill of the tiny window. Still dazed and confused as to what city and time zone they were in, it wasn't until Jaebum uttered a sleepy “C’mon. Let's go home” that Mark realized they were back in Seoul. He jumped up so fast that he slammed his head on the low ceiling as he scrambled to gather his things, a low and gravelly swear escaping his lips.

The journey through the airport felt like he had lived that particular moment in his life nine hundred and seventy four times already, all the previous tours and fan meetings and times he had to travel for work swirled together like some sort of lethal cocktail--the likeness of it all making his legs grow wobbly and his head spin. People blindly scurried through the terminals like disgruntled ants with the hopes of making it to their flights. Some were sprinting with huge grins on their faces to meet loved ones halfway after being apart for an unknown span of time. Out of the corner of his eye, Mark watched the emotional moments take place with jealousy simmering in his chest.

I wish we could do that.

He took a deep breath through his nose. If he attempted to share such a loving moment with her in public, there would be drops in sales. Thousands of angry comments directed toward her. They didn’t try to hide their relationship, necessarily. The two of them would go out for coffee or to dinner, occasionally holding hands, but never venturing further than that--partly because of the fear of hate, but also because they weren’t into PDA anyway. They didn’t feel the need to express their feelings for everyone else to see. They found their own language of expressing feelings through gentle brushes of his hand against hers, or the slight quirk of an eyebrow.

God, he missed her so much.

After four months, sixteen whole weeks, he was going to be able to kiss her again. Their plane had touched down a little early. He quickly glanced at his watch and processed the numbers reading 1:45am in blunt white lettering.There was no way she was asleep at that hour. She had always found solace in the way the silver moonlight blanketed her whole universe at night.

She probably waited up, he thought to himself, desperate for his nerves to ease up. His thick brows furrowed. But what if she didn't bother?

The possibility made his stomach feel like it housed a den of snakes, all the excitement of seeing her and the worry of what would come of them after so long apart slithering sickly in his gut. He’d spent so long wishing he could be with her.

What if she decided this isn't worth it? What if she forgot my personality and she's disappointed when I’m still quiet?

He shoved the worries deep down until he could no longer hear them echoing inside his head.

Whatever happens is for a reason. You can't make her stay if things have changed.

When he finally walked up to the door of her apartment, his heart floundered helplessly in his throat. What if she doesn't love me anymore? The thought begged to be coddled, but he immediately snuffed it out.

He didn't need to be worried, because things between them never changed. Deep down he knew that. Or at least he hoped.

Carryon bag thrown over his shoulder and suitcase gripped tightly in hand, he pushed his way through the entryway. Shuffling inside and accidentally closing the door a little bit too hard behind him, he flinched. Back home for twenty seconds and he was already coming off as pissy.

Before he even had the chance to take a step inside the apartment, the bedroom door was being flung open. And there she was.

Messy hair piled on top of her head, not a stitch of makeup on her face. Threadbare and faded t-shirt with her old high school mascot cracked and peeling off the front. Batman pajama pants just a hint too short and exposing the skin of her ankles.

It was her.

Mark almost stopped breathing. He wasn't a sappy guy. He really, really wasn’t. They were the couple who usually poked fun at each other and acted more as best friends than anything else. But seeing her there, staring at him with a sheen of tears glistening in her eyes and a look of utter bewilderment etched into her features, he was in love.

He had known he loved her. He had told her he loved her almost every day, even if that was all he said. But it wasn't until his body acted on instinct and dropped his bags to the floor as she practically flew across the living room and jumped into his open arms that he knew and he felt with every fiber in him that he was madly in love with that girl.

He let out a strangled huff when her legs wrapped themselves around his waist and her arms slung themselves around his neck. She was happy to see him, too. Thank God.

They stayed like that for hazy length of time, the only movements being the way her back quivered as she cried into his neck and the gentle way he swayed their tightly tangled bodies back and forth.

“I’m sor-” Mark’s voice cracked as he muttered the sentiment into her neck, bringing him to the realization that the shame he felt was escaping him in a trickling of hot tears.

“God, I'm so mad at you,” she almost growled. “I missed you so much, you bastard.”

Her words were borderline furious, but her actions were tender and needy--her hands gripping both sides of his face and roughly pulling him into a bruising kiss. It was deep and a full on clashing of tongue and teeth, the both of them willing to do anything to try to convey their feelings without bothering to use words. The taste of her was so overwhelming, warm and slightly sweet with just a hint of mint. She must have just brushed her teeth--he could taste the icy cold flavor of her favorite toothpaste on her lips. He had to bite back a groan of satisfaction when he felt her lick into the heat of his mouth and lightly trace the underside of his tongue with the tip of her own. His grip around her tightened, a sinful sigh rushing past her lips at the closeness, and he seized the opportunity to capture her bottom lip between his teeth and tug.

The way her fingers wove themselves into the hair at the nape of his neck and her nails dug into his scalp drew a sound that was a hybrid between a grunt and a whine from his chest. Any other day and Mark would have probably either laughed at himself or been somewhat embarrassed, but he couldn't bring himself to give a shit. His feet began moving on their own accord and carrying them both in the direction of the bedroom, praying to god that he didn't somehow trip and drop her on her ass in the middle of trying to be good to her.

He gently lay her on her back, the mattress dipping even more when he pressed himself flush against her, his hands grabbing fistfuls of her thighs, her ass, her waist, feeling every part of her that he had been deprived of for four months, until both of his hands cradled her face in his palms and his thumbs were frantically brushing her cheekbones.

Mark forced himself to disconnect from the kiss, a whine of protest falling from the dorky goddess that he was undeniably head over heels for.

“I'm so sorry,” he breathed, forcing himself to look her in the eye and ignore the way her pupils were dilated so much that he was on the edge of falling into the velvety blackness that threatened to swallow him whole.

With every syllable, his lips grazed hers in hopes that the closeness and the way his breath fanned across her face would satisfy her in a minuscule way that he couldn't while he was away.

He reconnected their lips, unable to be without her taste any longer than he had to. Only half in control of his brain, a half-drunken chorus of “God, I’m so sorry. I love you so fucking much. I'm sorry” was mumbled into her mouth, her neck, her shoulder, peppered across her cheeks. He wanted to paint the apology across every inch of her in hopes that the message would somehow sink into her skin and lave at the gaping wound on her heart.

After a few moments, their kisses slowed until they were simply curled up together on her bed, their soft whispers loud enough for only their ears but still under the heavy protection of the pale light of the moon. Her face brushed against his with every expressive scrunch of her nose, and her leg was thrown over his narrow waist--wishing to be close to him in the most innocent and pure way possible. She peeked at him through her lashes, unable to deny the feeling of comfort that swelled in her chest as he traced the seam of her pajama pants, losing himself in the path going from her knee to her hip. A small, tired smile tugged on the corner of her lips.

Mark felt the subtle raise of her cheek and pulled back a bit more to evaluate her expression. His heart stuttered in his chest when he noted the warmth in her gaze.

Things never changed.

“Why are you looking at me that way?” he whispered, a sly smile breaking out across his handsome features.

She placed a lingering kiss on the corner of his mouth before a genuine and heart wrenchingly warm smile nearly split her face at the seams.

“I’m just so proud of you. I love you.”

Mark beamed, his eyes scrunching up at the corners.

“Let's go to bed. We can pick this,” he playfully squeezed her ass, “up tomorrow. I just want to hold you and get some good sleep for once.”

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and Mark was unsure if that were true. But he was positive that no matter where in the world he was, no matter how far from her he had to be, the love pooling in his heart belonged to her. He was hers. She was his.

And that never changed.

#got7 #got7 drabble #got7 scenario #got7 writing #got7 one shot #got7 au #got7 fluff #mark tuan #mark tuan fluff #mark tuan one shot #mark tuan drabble #mark tuan angst #my writing #got7 fic #kpop writing #kpop drabble #mark got7 #mark got7 drabble

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samanthasroberts · 7 years

Text

Getting Sober: Redefining My Longest Relationship

Id call it time traveling. Most of the time I didnt know I was doing it until I was already in too deep. It didnt matter the day of the week or the time, or who I was with. I was just as capable of bending time alone, as I was with a handful of friends.

There was no such thing as one or two or three drinks. Just like a two headed giraffe didnt exist, neither did grabbing a couple of drinks. Its that simple. I really cant explain it any other way. My average was a drink every fifteen minutes. I never thought about that. I didnt brag about it or work towards it or talk about it, my rhythm just happened. The drink was in my hand and I drank it. I didnt think of slowing down or having an empty hand.

Id start somewhere- at an apartment or at dinner or a happy hour or on a date and Id arm myself with whatever I was in the mood for. There were the regular players: Jack Daniels and diet coke, chardonnay, Redbull and vodka, Blue Moon and those few years in my early 20s where I thought the only two drinks on the planet was a Sex On The Beach and Cosmo. Drink menus were for amateurs.

Never red wine though. It stained my teeth and lips, Id explain when asked, and respond with my quirky I only drink it alone and in the dark answer. Theyd always laugh.

For a long time the only shot I tossed back was Patron XO. Lemon drops and Kamikazes were too collegiate for me. I was smart enough to know that I always got sick after Whiskey. That was my kryptonite. It didnt stop me from drinking it again (and again), just in case getting sick was a one time thing. Spoiler alert: it wasnt.

So that was me, always, from the first time I got drunk during a party at 16 years old to my four day New Years Eve bender at age 30. But lets not call it a bender, or else my parents will worry. It was celebrating a new year with friends. It was a vacation and a belated birthday. It was me letting present, in the moment Diana take the wheel for a few days.

By the time YOLO was on T-shirts I had carpe diem booze down to a science.

It was all so normal and always OK: competing with friends how many guys we can make out with in one night (one of my favorite games), bouncing around speakeasys in the East Village, sneaking into the high end member only clubs in the Meatpacking District, 4am pancakes at a diner then going home with the cutest guy there, leaving without paying your tab, putting your drinks on a strangers tab, hooking up with your friends crush, sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend (what, he had an accent, ok?), telling work you have a doctors appointment when you need an extra hour of sleep, telling work youre sick when youre too hungover to get out of bed, napping in the bathroom stall at work when you realize you went to work still drunk.

Theres wasnt a problem with any of this. I could go to six bars in a night and only remember two of them (seetime traveling). Others had different, less poetic names for it- like graying out or even more ominous, going black out. But lets not talk about that. Those words are scary.

It all just made so much sense to me. I had a desperate thirst for life, for new experiences and stories that were only mine and drinking was my very own special key to open that door. I dont remember being trained but I knew this truth: that I needed to drink- to have fun, to meet a guy, to de-stress, to celebrate, after a bad day, after a good day, when its more than 50 degrees out, when its under 15 degrees, because its Monday.

Its dramatic sounding, I know, but when I was drinking, like really in the middle of a good run, I was untouchable. My thoughts evened out and worries were left at the coat check. I was charming and funny. I was weightless and sexy. Nothing could ground me.

I wasnt stupid. I knew what was happening. There wasnt a river in Egypt. The biggest part was the after, when Morning Diana gradually and reluctantly pixelated back into place ready to droop down into the exorcist-like hangover.

When I was in college my hangover cure was strawberries and chocolate milk. After I received my diploma I graduated to well-done bacon, coffee, Mimosas. Water never entered the equation.

Sometime in my mid-twenties while I was gripping on to my spinning couch, I googled hangover and depression and was so relieved when I read the phrase emotional hangover. I immediately felt better seeing the feeling I felt printed on my screen. It was a relief: I wasnt alone in this feeling and it had a name. Urban Dictionary knows about it so it must be OK. Ill finish my bacon and chocolate milkshake and be just ducky.

The recovery time was always different- sometimes I could slide out of bed and be partially human the next day and other times I needed a day alone to stew in a mental playback of the night before. During those days the biggest challenge was the trek from my bedroom to couch. No matter how I recouped I never thought it was bad. I thought my friends were doing it too.

Country songs and Van Wilder confirmed for me that getting drunk and hangovers were a part of life. I never raised my hand to question it. So, about the men. I bet you thought it was hard to find a man with all this time zig zagging and space jumping but it wasnt. Lets go back ten years again and Ill tell you about all the threesomes I had. It was me, the guy, and alcohol.

It was how I flirted, played, connected, and bonded with men, always. If the boyfriend had a bad day wed start downing drinks in the hopes that hed open up and talk to me. To flirt with the new cute coworker Id suggest we play beer after work. Hed find it charming and cute and wed drunkenly made out in the corner of the bar after swapping 1st pet names and office gossip. I had a fling with a British banker off and on for 3 years and when wed meet late night hed pour us shots of tequila first. It was our thing. Our inside joke with Don Julio.We didnt know each others last names but we shared an appreciation for top shelf tequila at 3am before having sex. Im a romantic, I know.

My favorite three words when I was with a guy were Want another round?

During each encounter, each date, I wouldnt feel satisfied until I heard those words. He could shout it or whisper it in my ear, either way I wanted those words. It meant: he liked me, hes having a good time, and he wanted to keep spending time with me. He didnt want the night to end. It meant intimacy, it meant hand holding and flirty eyes and of course, sex.

I could count the number of times I had sober sex on one hand. I didnt enjoy it. To avoid it, Id explain that I simply didnt like morning sex. Most of the time Id be too hungover to move from a fetal position so it wasnt pursued for long on his end anyway. Hooking up drunk was sexy and fun. We could let our inhibitions go and really connect. Fun was had by all. I wasnt worried about any of it.

Theres unfortunately worse parts. Im not going to tell them to you though. Mostly because my mother may read this. But also because I was once told that you dont need to go all the way to the bottom floor in order to get off the elevator. So lets baby step off the lift, shall we?

I was in one of my first sessions with my new therapist when she told me I repeated the word untouchable a lot and made me explain why I thought that was a good word. (See all of the above for my response). Valentines Day was two weeks away and I was mentally preparing to be single again during my least favorite holiday of the year.

I wasnt too worried though because Id participate in my friends annual BOVD- Black Out Valentines Day. The year before included colorful fish bowls and sushi till 2am. Problem solved. I was talking but realizing more and more how much she looked like Lily Tomlin when she put a piece paper down in front of me. It was a wordy contract with bullet points in the middle and a blank line next to my name at the bottom.

I was supposed to go a week without drinking. Thats a lie. I could drink. But only three glasses of beer or wine, two different nights. If I broke the contract I had to give $100 to her. Lily was crazy. How was this legal? I couldnt do this. Fact. I shouldnt have even been there. I wanted to deal with this but apparently not by actually dealing with it. I argued with her and left the session with the unsigned document squished to the bottom of my purse. That night I didnt sleep and express ordered Alan Carrs Easy Way to Control Alcohol. Problem solved. I went out drinking all week. And I drank like no one was watching.

Then I signed the contract. And then when week one ended, I signed the next contract. Was it easy? Fuck no. Did I have to write some checks to my therapist? Yes. Did I cry? Did I rant? Did my hands and mind twitch and turn during dinners with friends as I stared at my 1 drink for the night? Hell to the yes. Most nights all I could think about was my hand stammering under the table and how much I wanted and needed another drink.

I thought of the contract and Lilys annoying face staring down at me. I thought of how I felt when I was hungover. I thought of the fuzzy nights. I thought of the fuzzy years. I cried a lot. I stayed in and watched Netflix even more. I watched Vampire Diaries starting at season 1, many times. In therapy I compared my drunk self to being a vampire with no soul. There are many different points of view on vampire rule and regulations but most of them agree that the creatures of the night have no soul. Stick with me here. In Vampire Diaries the rule of thumb is that vampires can turn this soul switch off and on. When its on they feel everything, when its off they feel nothing and become untouchable. Follow me now? The easy way to live is to keep the switch off. I did that, over and over again. I was tired of it and wanted to be in the world of the living again. I didnt decide this overnight. It took months, a lot more episodes of Vampire Diaries and most of 2015. Something weird happened around the same time I switched to watching new episodes of Arrow that wouldve really pissed off my 23 year old Cosmo drinking self- I stopped enjoying drinking.

By November I was completely sober and joined a boxing ring. I could get up in the morning and exercise. I didnt need to sign a contract anymore. I sober dated. I sober celebrated friends birthdays. I sober had a fun Thursday night. I went to AA meetings sometimes and spent most of the meeting listening and nodding my head. I was funny and smart and friendly during the day and I was funny and smart and friendly at night. I added to my own life and stopped letting drinking take away from it. I started a social group. I started a book club. I started.

Sometime between the last crippling snow storm of last year and planning my 31st birthday, I stopped wanting to go to Edit Undo. I re-entered my own life. I went through those years and theyre a part of me for worse or worser. I went through it before knowing there was another side. I hit my rock bottoms (yes, there was more than one). Im still learning how to talk about it- what I want to say about it and to who. But the further I get from the person I was then, the more I like who Im turning into now. But letting go of her seemed like an impossible ask that the tiny tired voice deep inside me was begging for.

If I stopped drinking Id lose all of me, not just a part. I was terrified as if I was going to lose a limb or my hearing. My life would be filled withwhat? Id have no buoy or security blanket or man behind the curtain. Id be dry, unfilled, just curved edges and rims. The thought paralyzed me.

Now, Im at this other side. Im still learning what this other side is like and who I am in it. But I do know this- Im more now than I was before. Im more me and more strong and more present. I feel more and I listen to me more.

Days are now broken up between feeling this raw, strength of life and connection to people and namastes and really fantastic Im part of the universe and not from vibes to a total, giant uncertainty and instability, and anger and exhaustion. I never knew I could get tired of feelings. Weve moved in together, you see. We wake up together and go to bed together and they insist on forming an invisible fanny pack around my waist during the day. Hello intimacy, party of two. Theyre normally the big spoon. My thoughts continue from one moment to the next and connect without taking breaks. I had years and years of turning myself on and off and more off and now I just want to be on.

I wish I could say that when I wake up sober now, Im not depressed anymore or lonely, my friends became better friends, I became the perfect best friend, sister and daughter, and my love life came together Prince Charming Cinderella style. But becoming more sober didnt mean everything clicked into place, it just means I see the pieces more clearly and I dont hide from the messy parts.

So now whatdo I become resentful and guilty and depressed thinking about the years I spent avoiding intimacy and feelings and honesty and fuck, concrete memories? Do I think those years dont count? Do I blame my bad habits on the constant excess of New York City? Do I blame the alcoholic-like attributes that run in my blood line? Do I blame my friends? Or the work hard play hard Don Draper industry I work in? Do I blame shitty men boys?

Yes, to all of the above. I point the finger at all of them and then back at me, and then at them and back at me. Lily says hi.

Ive had men yell at me, not being able to grasp the idea of my moderated drinking habits, insisting that Im just pretending I dont drink because I wanted them to buy me drinks. I dont get it either. No means no guys. My friendships have changed, my god have my friendships changed. One friend who pre-games with a bottle of wine (a standard respectable approach I once followed), on multiple occasions, dumped her wine into my water when she realized I wasnt drunk like she was. Yeah, I dont spend time with her anymore.

I went sixty days without drinking before I decided to drink again. For me it was like breaking up with a boyfriend and then meeting up again two months later. Never a good idea. Youll never want to be just friends who catch every up every now and then. I drank Vueve Clicquot and it didnt make the night better but it didnt make it worse. I didnt gray out. I didnt break down. That night isnt fuzzy. I could wake up in the morning.

Theres been other times when I drank recently and couldnt move far from the couch. Those times are a quick, slap in the face of what not to do. But old feelings and doubts still come flooding back in. Will I always want another drink? Why cant I just stay sober? Why does everyone make it look so easy? Is my therapist actually Lily Tomlin?

Deep down I know the majority of my problems start and stop with alcohol. Drinking will always be a part of my life whether Im drinking or not. Itd be easier to figure out if I wasnt both the variable and constant in this little conundrum of mine.

Today, I stare all the feels in the face, and make sure they know the last sixteen years matter but the last thirteen months matter even more. Im not her anymore, Im a different, more me now.

Im not 100% sober and I dont know if I ever will be. One day, maybe sooner rather than later, I could decide to sign up for a sober lifestyle again. But right now, I cant imagine midnight on New Years Eve without a champagne toast. I can do without five toasts but one still feels OK to me. So yeahmy relationship with drinking? We file it under Its complicated.

The good news is, Ive learned how to unwind on a Friday night without the trifecta of a bottle of wine, pizza and Netflix. My secret is just pizza and Netflix.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/13/getting-sober-redefining-my-longest-relationship/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/11/13/getting-sober-redefining-my-longest-relationship/

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adambstingus · 7 years

Text

Getting Sober: Redefining My Longest Relationship

Never red wine though. It stained my teeth and lips, Id explain when asked, and respond with my quirky I only drink it alone and in the dark answer. Theyd always laugh.

By the time YOLO was on T-shirts I had carpe diem booze down to a science.

When I was in college my hangover cure was strawberries and chocolate milk. After I received my diploma I graduated to well-done bacon, coffee, Mimosas. Water never entered the equation.

My favorite three words when I was with a guy were Want another round?

Yes, to all of the above. I point the finger at all of them and then back at me, and then at them and back at me. Lily says hi.

Today, I stare all the feels in the face, and make sure they know the last sixteen years matter but the last thirteen months matter even more. Im not her anymore, Im a different, more me now.

The good news is, Ive learned how to unwind on a Friday night without the trifecta of a bottle of wine, pizza and Netflix. My secret is just pizza and Netflix.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/13/getting-sober-redefining-my-longest-relationship/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/167431371812

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allofbeercom · 7 years

Text

Getting Sober: Redefining My Longest Relationship

Never red wine though. It stained my teeth and lips, Id explain when asked, and respond with my quirky I only drink it alone and in the dark answer. Theyd always laugh.

By the time YOLO was on T-shirts I had carpe diem booze down to a science.

When I was in college my hangover cure was strawberries and chocolate milk. After I received my diploma I graduated to well-done bacon, coffee, Mimosas. Water never entered the equation.

My favorite three words when I was with a guy were Want another round?

Yes, to all of the above. I point the finger at all of them and then back at me, and then at them and back at me. Lily says hi.

Today, I stare all the feels in the face, and make sure they know the last sixteen years matter but the last thirteen months matter even more. Im not her anymore, Im a different, more me now.

The good news is, Ive learned how to unwind on a Friday night without the trifecta of a bottle of wine, pizza and Netflix. My secret is just pizza and Netflix.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/13/getting-sober-redefining-my-longest-relationship/

0 notes

thenicedolphin · 7 years

Text

Oscars Analysis With Biting Commentary: 2017 Edition!

Better the day of than never, amirite??? The 5th annual Oscars post from The Nice Dolphin (see links here for 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013), where Matt always provides excellent, impressive, insightful, groundbreaking commentary, and Alex comes in flaccid, flubbing around, rambling about James Harden, Andy Dalton, and some scary movie that no one watched. It’s a tradition for the ages! Matt will be in regular font, and Alex will come in with the bold font.

Okay, first of all, say what you want, but if there’s one thing my takes AREN’T it’s flaccid. Anyhow, fun production note: Matt emailed me his musings at like 3am last night in hopes that I wouldn’t have time to take his shoddy, poorly-reasoned, informed-by-Buzzfeed opinions to task. Bad news, Matt -- ya boy is WIDE awake and ready to talk Oscars!

Best picture:

“Arrival”

“Fences”

“Hacksaw Ridge”

“Hell or High Water”

“Hidden Figures”

“La La Land”

“Lion”

“Manchester by the Sea”

“Moonlight”

I’ve seen all nine films this year. I think I once was sorta embarrassed by that, but at this point, I don’t care… I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW. We got some classics in this field, and I would say I generally appreciated all of these films, but we gotta hand some critiques out too. Buckle up.

I’ve seen five out of the nine nominees: Arrival, Hell or High Water, La La Land, Manchester by the Sea, and Moonlight. I’m watching Hidden Figures as I’m writing this, so that should tell you all you need to know about my level of interest in Fences, Lion, and Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

First, I want to talk about the 3 films that were originally the top contenders before La La Land took the frontrunner perch solo on a storm of bright colors and happy dancing. Leading into the season, we had La La Land, Moonlight, and Manchester by the Sea.

I watched Moonlight first (out of all of these films actually, cool story bro). Moonlight was hyped in the critic circles and fairly unknown to the public… this made for an interesting watch at a fairly general Regal theater. Let’s just say the crowd was NOT expecting it to be an indie film about a gay black man in Miami struggling with his identity and they were NOT digging it. Sorta a weird atmosphere to sit in, but that didn’t stop the movie from shining through with its brilliance. Moonlight is a great, great film. It’s a beautiful study of a tragically hurt and isolated lead character. It is full of unique, fully-breathed characters.

Moonlight is a film of three acts following the life of our main character Chiron, and in each act, we have Chiron played by different actors portraying different ages of his life. That shouldn’t work as seamlessly as it does, but Barry Jenkins somehow pulled that magic trick off. The actors look enough alike, and they have enough similarities in their wounded souls, to show that they are Chiron. It’s remarkable. As much as I love Boyhood, it sorta makes that film’s structure feel more like a gimmick. Who needs to film scenes over 12 years when you have a vision as strong as this?

More importantly, Moonlight’s story is so powerful, and so well-told. This isn’t just some story about a gay black male who is bullied and conflicted about his sexuality. This is that story, done in such a poetic and powerfully told way. The patience it has telling its story. The way each of the 3 acts ends. Moonlight is a film that haunts me when contemplating its best scenes. I don’t think it’s for everyone. It certainly wasn’t for everyone in that theater when I watched it. But I would vote it for Best Picture.

Moonlight is a FANTASTIC film and if there was any justice in the world (there’s not), it would win Best Picture. Director Barry Jenkins is a master behind the camera, showing the audience everything we needed to see and nothing we didn’t. Moonlight is at once heartbreaking, uplifting, uncompromising, and relatable. Nothing is phoned-in or painted in broad strokes. Jenkins withholds judgment as he lets his characters’ lives unfold against one of the harder backdrops in recent memory. Plus, I’ve always wondered what 50 Cent looked like as a child.

Also, I gotta hand it to the bully in the second act for mocking Chiron’s jeans for being “too tight,” even though they were your typical straight-leg variety. Taking something completely innocuous and turning it into a source of mockery is a classic bully move. Outstanding work here.

NOTE: as I’m writing this, our hip-hop correspondent Kavi D. texted me the following: “Moonlight > La La Land. But like Adele beating Beyonce, we know what’s going to happen tonight. Such a joke.”

But Moonlight probably won’t win. La La Land will. And I’m ok with that too! I really loved La La Land! I love the vision of Damien Chazelle (Whiplash was aces). I love musicals. It was really fun. The love story was pretty good! La La Land has flaws to be sure. The white-man-saves-jazz issue is hard to deny, even if you try to justify it with the fact that well, John Legend’s character is cooler than Gosling’s, and their band’s song is pretty good! Gosling and Stone aren’t Gene Kelly or Rita Moreno in terms of their singing and dancing abilities. In the end, I was still enamored with the film’s joy along with the story’s emotion. And that ending was great. How is Chazelle so good at ending his films?

La La Land’s other backlash is that it’s another movie about Hollywood, appealing to the Oscar voters. Some also think it’s winning on a gimmick, as the first original musical in a while, sorta like how The Artist was the first silent film of note in a while. Well let me tell you something… The Artist? Sucked. La La was way better.

The amount of love La La is getting does annoy me. I mean, I’m cool with it winning Best Picture in the end, but getting like 10-11 Oscars? Some of these other films deserve some love too.

/Locks the door

//Looks out the window

///Takes the phone off the hook (lol landlines)

////Re-checks the locks

I gotta be real here: La La Land SUCKED. Before we get into it, let’s cover the positives:

1. John Legend’s song - that was sick!

2. The montage at the end - that was real!

3. La La Land did manage to be a very serious movie while keeping the tone light and bouncy, which is no easy feat, so I can give it some respect for that. Everything else though…?

The music was terrible. I’m not a big musical guy to begin with, but I can certainly appreciate a catchy showtune. Here? Not a one to be found. Gosling’s creaky-ass voice grinding out a third reprise of “City of Stars” doesn’t cut the mustard.

The dancing was shitty. Whether it was those losers rolling on the hood of their cars in the opening number, Stone’s way hotter roommates bumbling around their apartment, or the leads irritatingly floating in the planetarium, everything looked stilted and unrehearsed. The “Dick in a Box” video had sicker moves.

The leads had zero chemistry and were completely unlikable. Fishface Emma Stone and Jazz Hero Seb were such bores, I couldn’t find it in my cold, black heart to care about either one of them.

Also, do we really need white-as-a-sheet Ryan Gosling lecturing us about saving “real” jazz music? Here’s the thing, Seb: Jazz is/was all about innovation and being on the cutting edge of music. So the fact that he’s obsessed with sticking jazz inside some snow globe time capsule is actually 1000% more harmful to jazz than John Legend freshening things up and pushing jazz into a new, modern direction.

Chicken on a stick up my ass, gump!

Personal note: each year on Christmas, my family goes to the theater to watch a flick. The past few years we’ve seen joints like The Wolf of Wall Street, Django Unchained, Fury, and The Hateful Eight. Real family-friendly stuff. Well, this year we let my sister pick and of course she picked La La Land.

For the record we ALL hated it, even my sister. This is only the second movie I’ve ever seriously considered walking out of (shout out to Adventureland, you piece of crap). Anyhow, I would like to thank La La Land for giving me this nugget to hold over her head for the rest of eternity.

The last of the original top contenders, Manchester by the Sea, made me cry numerous times. I mean, I thought that shit was gonna be sad, but that trailer definitely made me figure there was a little more levity in it than there was. This ain’t Good Will Hunting. I thought Manchester had some great acting, a story that really weighed on you, and had several scenes in particular that really devastated me.

Matt must’ve fallen asleep during the last third of Manchester because for about forty-five minutes it becomes a network TV sitcom, with Affleck helping lil buddy get laid and selling enough pints of blood (BAC .08) to buy a new engine for the boat.

But hey, this is a good-to-great flick, although it could’ve used a re-edit -- what, was Billy Walsh too busy working on the new season of Johnny’s Bananas? Manchester suffers from what I call the “Boston bloat.” Any film set in New England is automatically twenty minutes too long because it has to constantly remind the audience that it takes place in New England. It’s already called Manchester by the Sea! We don’t need close ups of analog TVs showing the Celtics or slo-mo shots of ugly white guys in various shades of grey and khaki shooting Irish Whiskey.

SPOILER ALERT: (Matt’s note: the next paragraph has massive spoilers)

Also, uh, is it just me or does Lee get off kinda light (in reality and in the movie) for essentially murdering his three kids? Like hey motherfucker, you did an awful thing maybe you should at least TRY to atone for it? The cops are like “you burned your house down in a drunken stupor and it claimed the lives of your three children -- we’ve all been there!” “Yeah! I torched my place last spring, lost two kiddos and the dog, a real shame.” I get that you’re tortured bro, but maybe think about someone other than yourself for once?

Also if this movie (and most NE-set movies) are to be believed, women are only good for banging; otherwise they’re shrill nags, out to ruin a good time. Exactly none of the women in this movie are given any sort of depth or character beyond “I want to fuck her” or “She won’t stop bothering me.” The movie even kinda blames Lee’s kids’ death on the mom!

And the climactic conversation between Randi and Lee? The crux is that even after all this time, she still wants to fuck him! She can’t resist his grubby, down-home, chawm! Pathetic.

Arrival is my favorite film that didn’t ever get in the talk for Best Picture. And why the hell not? It’s loved by many who’ve seen it, it was a popular box office hit. Arrival got on my radar early 2016 when I heard about the film starring Amy Adams and the guy (Villeneuve) who did the superb Sicario. I checked out the short story Story of Your Life by Ted Chiang, and it blew me away. Arrival takes a pretty challenging high-level concept and somehow manages to portray it well onscreen. When I read it, I thought damn, how are they gonna make that a film? But they did. Villeneueve is a true talent. Arrival is intriguing sci-fi with an ending that truly impacts you.

Arrival was the bomb! Great flick and an amazing adaptation of “Story of Your Life.” Matt’s right about the movie breaking down an insane concept into something that’s easy to understand while still delivering that emotional gut-punch.

Amy Adams had better rapport with the fuggin aliens than Stone did with Gosling, just sayin.

I’ve seen a few pieces mention Hidden Figures as a possible late surprise winner. While there’s no real chance at that, it’s cool to see the box office love it’s gotten. When I first saw the trailer for Hidden Figures, I thought it came off to me like standard Disneyfied civil rights fare (like 42, if you will). But then the critics’ reviews came out, and then my friends spoke of how good it was. And it is good! Hidden Figures has 3 strong leads in Henson, Monae, and Spencer. They have well-developed characters. They don’t need to have strong white heroes saving them – the white characters (primarily Kevin Costner, Kirsten Dunst, Jim Parsons), aren’t overly white saviors or overly mustachioed villains. There’s some prejudice. There’s some goodwill from good people like Costner’s character or John Glenn. But these are supporting details surrounding the main stories of these brilliant black women facing the shit they had to deal with at the time. That’s good cinema.

Hidden Figures is sounding pretty good in the background right now, so I’ll probably go back and actually watch it at some point. I was initially put off because it looked like The Help in Space and I didn’t need to see another scene where Sandra Bullock tells a black mother what’s what. Apparently it’s not like that? That’s good.

Fences is a well-acted adaptation of a powerful play by the great August Wilson. Fences covers the story of a black family dealing with their issues, primarily stemming from the father, Troy Maxson, during the civil rights era. Maxson is a stubborn, difficult man, and that causes some strife in the family. It’s uncompromising and tough stuff to watch, and it’s really a challenge, in a good way, to the viewer. I’ll have more thoughts on it below with Best Actor, but I thought that it had a great story and a somewhat limited vision with its adaptation. The direction by Denzel could have been more creative, but its lacking transcendance from the stage reminded me too much of the Doubt adaptation.

Fences looked like Denzel sitting on a porch for two hours. That’s cool for Denzel, but I’d just as soon sit on my own damn porch.

Hell or High Water was a really solidly done film. Jeff Bridges, Ben Foster, and Chris Pine basically are the film, and they’re great. Really glad to see Pine get to do something good outside of his always strong role as Kirk. The story’s pretty straightforward - Foster and Pine play brothers trying to rob banks. Bridges and his partner are going after them. But it’s not Point Break, and the nuances of the clever dialogue, the creative characters, and the way the movie builds - that makes the film a special quality film.

This is a movie right here! I love me a modern western, and Hell or High Water delivered! The cinematography was gorgeous and bleak at once, really bringing home the message of the movie. It was good to see Pine bounce back from that atrocious Star Trek 3 film, and the banter between him and Ben Foster really pushed this movie to the next level.

I gotta be real though, the audience I saw this with was laughing a little too hard at Jeff Bridges’ racist-ass character. Kinda uncomfortable.

I was pretty dubious about Hacksaw Ridge. I think I found it to be somewhat cheesy and somewhat excellent. The first half of the film is basically cheesy goodhearted Andrew Garfield as he decides in life that he doesn’t want to hold a gun during WWII but still wants to help, and the struggles he faced trying to convince the Army to let him do that. At this point, it felt pretty cliche and lame to me. Then the battle scenes began, and I was pretty impressed and enthralled… what Garfield’s character, Desmond Doss, did was heroic and incredible. The film is strong when showing those aspects. It’s just a little held back by the stuff around that.

Hacksaw Ridge, the Finest Hours, Deepwater Horizon -- can we tell any of these movies apart? Do we care? Really happy for Mel Gibson though, getting to film another critically-acclaimed gratuitous bloodbath.

Lion was my least favorite film, and I’ve seen a few friends here and there who disagree with that. But I found it to be lacking. The true story is amazing, the emotions of that conclusion are powerful, and Dev Patel is my boy. But the story is poorly paced for me; at times, just a little too much focused on his childhood. At times, a bit slow and clunky in his search. That being said, that film made me cry still, because that story is sad and moving. And I got love for my girl Rooney Mara. But it was the least of the 9 for me.

Just go back and read my rationale for skipping that awful Life of Pi remake. I’m sure all the same arguments apply here.

I can’t speak too much of Best Picture snubs this year. I was pretty content with this field. EXCEPT FOR CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR; WHERE’S DA LOVE.

Captain America: Civil War was great...as long as Cap was off-screen. Dude is the most vanilla-ass leading hero we got out here. More Iron Man, Black Panther, Spider-Man, Ant-Man, really anyone else, PLEASE.

Allow me to play to type and suggest that The VVitch got snubbed! Along with The Lobster and Deadpool, some real contenders got left at the altar. Also, let it be known that Matt had a huge bone for The Accountant despite it looking like trash from day one. Apparently some non-studio-plant redditor promised it would be great. Once the reviews started trickling in though, Matt was inconsolable.

Best director:

“La La Land,” Damien Chazelle

“Hacksaw Ridge,” Mel Gibson

“Moonlight,” Barry Jenkins

“Manchester by the Sea,” Kenneth Lonergan

“Arrival,” Denis Villeneuve

Chazelle is the likely winner here, and it would be well-deserved. He had a great vision for La La Land, and his visuals and energy are such strengths in the film. I would also wholly support my dude Villeneuve getting some love here. He really put together a great film for a short story that deserved it. He has lots of patience getting to the points he wants to make, and he treats the audience as adults, not holding their hands.

Jenkins’ direction of Moonlight leads to some damn good poetry, so I gotta give him props too. Lonergan does good work, but I don’t really consider the strength to be in his direction but more for his writing (to discuss later). Gibson put together some awesome battle scenes, but man, he had some corny scenes building up to it.

If Jenkins doesn’t win this, I’m jumping out my window like dude from the Mad Men credits.

/moves into first-floor apartment

Matt touched on it earlier, but how stupid does Richard Linklater look now? It took him like two decades to make Boyhood, and Jenkins knocked out a better version in like a month! It’s like Linklater, bro, we have actors for a reason..

Apparently Chazelle winning is a done deal, but cmon! Jenkins told three PERFECT stories, tied them together with the exact right amount of narrative tissue and knocked it out the f’n park! But yeah, Chazelle sucked off Hollywood and made the smog-trap that is LA look halfway redeemable.

Lead actor:

Casey Affleck, “Manchester by the Sea”

Andrew Garfield, “Hacksaw Ridge”

Ryan Gosling, “La La Land,”

Viggo Mortensen, “Captain Fantastic”

Denzel Washington, “Fences”

This race has come down to Affleck and Denzel. I haven’t seen Captain Fantastic and have heard Viggo is pretty good. Garfield does good work in Hacksaw, though his accent is a little spotty, and I can’t get over how corny he is at times in the film. Gosling was better to me than Stone in La La Land, but I can’t quite say that either of their lead performances screamed “Best Actor/Actress” to me. I think the race should come down to Affleck and Denzel.

Casey Affleck was the frontrunner for a while until Denzel Washington won the SAG award, which shifted the momentum in people’s mind. Affleck’s history of sexual harassment has come up a bit leading up to the Oscars, and some think that has affected his chances here. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I think the accusations were likely true. I think if so, it’s fair to make the argument that you don’t vote for him here. It’s an award for who’s the best actor, but there isn’t strict criteria, and these are voters who have a right to show support for who they want to. If that means denying a vote to a sexual predator who was privileged in what he got away with, then maybe that’s what people should do. Constance Wu broke it down pretty well, as you can read here.

If I somehow had an Academy vote, I don’t know what I’d do. I think I might vote for Casey in the end. But that debate aside, I wanna talk about their performances now, and I’d say I thought better of Casey’s.

His performance as Lee Chandler really really impressed me. It’s one of my favorite acting performances of recent years. I’d take this role over other recent winners like my boy DiCaprio in The Revenant or McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club. Affleck embodies this character, full of subtle sorrow and guilt and pain. I felt for him every step of the way, and I never felt like it was done with cheap acting or overly acted emotion (see: Sean Penn; Mystic River). Lee Chandler is the film, and Casey Affleck is the film, and he carries it all on his tortured shoulders.

I gotta agree with Matt. The entirety of Manchester by the Sea rests on Casey Affleck’s shoulders and he absolutely crushes his role. The pain and the patheticness that define Lee Chandler come through even in the film’s happier moments and Affleck never fails to show how Lee’s grief is hardwired into his DNA and informs all of his decisions, from where to live, to whether he should punch out the drunk Santa lookin’ guy at the bar (he does).

That being said, Affleck is a sexual harasser! So I’m not shedding any tears if he loses to Denzel, who is great and keeps me in good hands, insurance-wise.

Denzel is really good too. Casey is better. Denzel has a tough character to grapple with here. I think he might be hurt a little for me just because I don’t very much like the character of Troy Maxson. I felt like this when I first read the play for a class in high school, and I feel that way now. It makes it tough. Maxson is not a likable character. I like him less than your usual villain, and I think that’s always somewhat hampered my view of the story. Maxson is not good to his family, and he infuriates me in several ways. I know that in some ways that’s supposed to be showing the effects the time period had on a man like him, but some of his decisions in the story are too much for me to overcome.

That’s somewhat the brilliance of the story by August WIlson. It’s uncompromising and brutal. But it’s always been a tough pill for me to swallow and affects my view of Denzel’s performance. When I separate that take, I do think Denzel was excellent in the role though. One of his best roles in recent memory.

Lead actress:

Isabelle Huppert, “Elle”

Ruth Negga, “Loving”

Natalie Portman, “Jackie”

Emma Stone, “La La Land”

Meryl Streep, “Florence Foster Jenkins”

This category is hampered by the lack of Viola Davis, who pushed to be labeled as Best Supporting even though she’s very clearly a lead. Stone is the frontrunner, and she’s pretty good, but she didn’t blow me away. As mentioned before, I liked Gosling’s work more. I saw Jackie, and Portman was quite good in her portrayal. I would support her getting it too. But I’d be surprised to see the Academy give her a second Oscar this early on.

Amy Adams got robbed of a nomination here. She was the heart and soul of Arrival, and Louise Banks is a great protagonist. I thought she was wonderful in it. Why again is Streep nominated for everything she does? I feel like she could voice a 5-minute role in an animated film and still win Best Actress. Was she really better in Florence than my girl Amy? I’m dubious.

I haven’t made it to Loving yet so I don’t have a take on Ruth Negga. Huppert is apparently a dark horse for Elle; a film I haven’t gotten to yet that has a fascinating premise.

What the hell is always up with the movies the Best Actress noms come from? With a few exceptions, they’re always floating out on their own, like “Best Actress” is its own movie genre. Needless to say, I haven’t seen any of these besides La La Land, and that’s one I wish I hadn’t seen.

Supporting actor:

Mahershala Ali, “Moonlight”

Jeff Bridges, “Hell or High Water”

Lucas Hedges, “Manchester by the Sea”

Dev Patel, “Lion”

Michael Shannon, “Nocturnal Animals”

Mahershala is all you gotta know here. After some solid turns in House of Cards and Mockingjay, this charming-ass mofo is magic in Moonlight. Juan is one of the best supporting characters in recent memory. He has several brilliant scenes, not requiring overacting but just sheer nuance and charm. He makes such an impression on the film in not much time. He’ll win, and he’ll deserve it big-time.

After this year, they should rename this the Mahershala Ali Award for Best Supporting Actor. Ali is amazing as Juan, Chiron’s unlikely father-figure. He commands the screen in every scene he’s in, but like Matt says, it’s not with overacting or scenery-chewing, but with the amount and specificity of emotion resonating from his character.

Bridges is his usual awesome self in Hell or High Water, and I really dug what he brought to the table. Hedges is a quality support role to Affleck in Manchester, and he does good work as the young nephew struggling through his father’s death. He’s Boston as hell and he does it well. Dev is great too, even though he’s clearly a lead role. Glad to see him getting continued work after Slumdog and good to see him knocking it out of the park. Dude is jacked now! He ain’t no babyface lucky punk anymore.

I’ll give props to Hedges for staying focused on banging out two chicks at the same time despite his dad randomly dying. I love that speech he gives Affleck (“I don’t care that I’m an orphan! I can’t move to Boston -- I’m banging two chicks!”).

Bridges was cool; I always wondered what Bad Black would be like if he were on the other side of the law.

I love Michael Shannon. I haven’t seen Nocturnal Animals. But Shannon could make any role magnetic. He’s just sheer willpower tour-de-force. I don’t know what that means, but it makes sense to me.

Supporting actress:

Viola Davis, “Fences”

Naomie Harris, “Moonlight”

Nicole Kidman, “Lion”

Octavia Spencer, “Hidden Figures”

Michelle Williams, “Manchester by the Sea”

Viola Davis is remarkable and is so key to Fences. She’s great. I hope she gets the Oscar. And she probably would have won for best Lead too. Rose is a tough character to portray to me. She’s often reactionary to her husband, and she doesn’t have as much stage presence per se. But Viola brings that necessary gravitas and strength to the role to make it not just a one-person show. She’s lovable, tender, compassionate, etc. AND she does a good job explaining how she deals with/puts up with Troy. It’s a hell of a role.

If not for Viola in supporting, I would give the win to Michelle WIlliams. She’s really good in some key scenes in Manchester by the Sea. She’s emotional, tortured, hurt, and so relatable in the things she says and does. Otherwise, Naomi Harris really nailed it as Chiron’s mom during Moonlight (and in only 3 days of filming apparently!). Spencer was quite good in Hidden Figures (though I loved Monae more; I also just love Monae in general, what can I say). Kidman is good in Lion, but I can’t say she really knocked it out the park for me.

From what I understand, Viola Davis probably deserves an easy win here, but man, Naomie Harris was raw as hell in Moonlight. That scene where she shakes Chiron down for cash nearly made me call in sick to work the next day.

Michelle Williams in Manchester by the Sea was...not great, though I blame the material more than her. “But but but Lee! I still wanna fawk you! Let’s have lunch! We can get ya favorite chowdah!” She tried her best, but the dialogue was never going to let her rise above Southie Harpy #2.

Adapted screenplay:

“Arrival,” Eric Heisserer

“Fences,” August Wilson

“Hidden Figures,” Allison Schroeder and Theodore Melfi

“Lion,” Luke Davies

“Moonlight,” Barry Jenkins; Story by Tarell Alvin McCraney

Moonlight is bizarrely marked as adapted even though it was based off an unpublished play. Whatever. It’s an excellent story. I think it’s supposed to win, and I’ll approve of Barry getting his Oscar here.

Damn, I gotta agree with Matt again! This is truly a weird spot for Moonlight to be in. It’s like “oh shit, I adapted this movie from an idea I had once -- okay!”

I do wish Arrival could win too, because Heisserer’s feat is impressive considering the degree of difficulty here. Story of Your Life (Arrival’s short story) is a lot simpler than the plot of the film. Heisserer had to develop more of a global conflict to the story and had to figure out how to take plot elements from the short story and make it work on film (the short story is a lot more first person narrative; he did a lot to adjust that for the screen).

Still, no one has to be madder about Moonlight’s odd placement than the Arrival folks. They took an impossible-to-adapt short story and fuckin flamed it out into an amazing motion picture. Really impressive stuff.

Fences is cool because Wilson had that screenplay around for a while, and it got made after his death once a black director (Wilson stipulated that the director be black) finally was able to put the project together. And it’s a great story. Just not as deserving to me as Moonlight/Arrival.

Original screenplay:

“20th Century Women,” Mike Mills

“Hell or High Water,” Taylor Sheridan

“La La Land,” Damien Chazelle

“The Lobster,” Yorgos Lanthimos, Efthimis Filippou

“Manchester by the Sea,” Kenneth Lonergan

I still haven’t seen The Lobster and want to. I think Alex will vouch for it. Otherwise, this is a category where La La won the award at the Golden Globes, but I really hope it doesn’t win here. Manchester’s screenplay is so good to me. The way it intercuts between past and present, the way it slowly reveals different plot points, and the way it writes dialogue of sad scenes - that’s some good stuff right there.

I gotta go with The Lobster here. To call it’s screenplay efficient is a severe understatement. I previously lauded Barry Jenkins for showing audience exactly what they needed to see. In The Lobster, Lanthimos strips the entire endeavour down to the bare essentials. Why use three words when one will do? Shit, why even use words at all? Beautiful stuff, b.

On the other end of the spectrum is Manchester by the Sea, where every possible scene and/or conversation gets its moment to shine. This leads to a lot of great moments and conversations, but also to a fair number of middling ones.

Cinematography:

“Arrival,” Bradford Young

“La La Land,” Linus Sandgren

“Lion,” Greig Fraser

“Moonlight,” James Laxton

“Silence,” Rodrigo Prieto

Bradford Young can get it.

Dayum.

That Linus dude will probably win for La La, and it’ll be deserved. I just thought Moonlight had some hella cool shots. Also, Silence gets a nom here. I wanna see that at some point, even if it ended up not getting the love it expected to get.

La La Land will win here because Hollywood loves seeing itself glammed up for the silver screen and not as the tepid, plastic cesspool it is (note: I actually love LA, but am I wrong?).

Film editing:

“Arrival,” Joe Walker

“Hacksaw Ridge,” John Gilbert

“Hell or High Water,” Jake Roberts

“La La Land,” Tom Cross

“Moonlight,” Nat Sanders and Joi McMillon

Another La La win, probably suggesting its best picture victory.

I already burned my Billy Walsh joke, so I’ll just say this HAS to be Moonlight, right? I mean, it won’t be, but it’s economy in telling such a resounding tale defines Oscar-worthy.

Best documentary feature:

“13th,” Ava DuVernay, Spencer Averick and Howard Barish

“Fire at Sea,” Gianfranco Rosi and Donatella Palermo

“I Am Not Your Negro,” Raoul Peck, Remi Grellety and Hebert Peck

“Life, Animated,” Roger Ross Williams and Julie Goldman

“O.J.: Made in America,” Ezra Edelman and Caroline Waterlow

Really strong year for docs. I still haven’t gotten to the long, really-a-TV-documentary-series OJ, but I’ve heard such incredible things about it. The 13th was brilliant and would certainly deserve a win too. And I can’t wait to see I Am Not Your Negro.

Gotta confess, I haven’t seen any of these, but this looks to be one of the strongest years for docs in recent memory.

Animated feature:

“Kubo and the Two Strings,” Travis Knight and Arianne Sutner

“Moana,” John Musker, Ron Clements and Osnat Shurer

“My Life as a Zucchini,” Claude Barras and Max Karli

“The Red Turtle,” Michael Dudok de Wit and Toshio Suzuki

“Zootopia,” Byron Howard, Rich Moore and Clark Spencer

Zootopia appears to be the winner here, and it really was an impressive animated film to me. As I watched it, I was like damn those themes got a lot deeper than I expected for a kid’s film! Moana was really enjoyable too, though it didn’t quite reach the highs for me that some other recent animated classics have (I would put Frozen ahead of it, for instance).

Zootopia is my JAM. Love that sloth at the DMV. Moana was fine, but did nothing to distinguish itself from any other generic-ass cartoon.

No love for Sausage Party? Damn.

Best foreign language film:

“A Man Called Ove,” Sweden

“Land of Mine,” Denmark

“Tanna,” Australia

“The Salesman,” Iran

“Toni Erdmann,” Germany

The director of The Salesman, Asghar Farhadi, was not allowed to come to the Oscars after the executive order a few weeks ago, and then he decided not to come too out of protest. He also directed the incredible A Separation, which I finally recently saw. That film was so devastating and moving to me, and if The Salesman is comparable at all, it would certainly deserve a win here too.

Toni Erdmann is apparently going to be remade with Jack Nicholson, so I’m for sure curious about that too.

Give it up to Tanna, man. It was filmed in Nauvhal, which has like 4,500 native speakers.

Original score:

“Jackie,” Mica Levi

“La La Land,” Justin Hurwitz

“Lion,” Dustin O’Halloran and Hauschka

“Moonlight,” Nicholas Britell

“Passengers,” Thomas Newman

Original song:

“Audition (The Fools Who Dream),” “La La Land” — Music by Justin Hurwitz; Lyric by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul

“Can’t Stop the Feeling,” “Trolls” — Music and Lyric by Justin Timberlake, Max Martin and Karl Johan Schuster

“City of Stars,” “La La Land” — Music by Justin Hurwitz; Lyric by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul

“The Empty Chair,” “Jim: The James Foley Story” — Music and Lyric by J. Ralph and Sting

“How Far I’ll Go,” “Moana” — Music and Lyric by Lin-Manuel Miranda

La La will definitely win for best score, considering it’s a damn musical. Arrival should have gotten some love here, but the Academy dqed it because they were worried that this brilliant song used in the film would get confused as part of the original score. But the score is great on its own!

La La Land will win, which is garbage! As a Houston native, I will no doubt be pulling for Moonlight, as the whole f’n thing was chopped and screwed.

Two La La songs are nominated here, and City of Stars should likely win. I would love to see Lin-Manuel get the win here and complete his EGOT. How Far I’ll Go didn’t really stay with me the way other classic animated film songs have. Heck, I would rather have seen You’re Welcome get the win here.

Yeah, the two songs in Moana worth a damn (“You’re Welcome” and “Shiny”) got robbed, and both those LLL songs are trash. I gotta take a moment and recognize the special kind of horrible that is “Can’t Stop the Feeling.” I dare you to find a more written-by-committee, “Happy-”humping piece of corporate garbage that polluted the airwaves this year.

Does this mean I’m cheering for Sting? Fuck.

Also, Sing Street should have DEF got some love here. It was robbed. Sting got a nom instead? FOH.

Sound editing:

“Arrival,” Sylvain Bellemare

“Deep Water Horizon,” Wylie Stateman and Renee Tondelli

“Hacksaw Ridge,” Robert Mackenzie and Andy Wright

“La La Land,” Ai-Ling Lee and Mildred Iatrou Morgan

“Sully,” Alan Robert Murray and Bub Asman

Sound mixing:

“Arrival,” Bernard Gariepy Strobl and Claude La Haye

“Hacksaw Ridge,” Kevin O’Connell, Andy Wright, Robert Mackenzie and Peter Grace

“La La Land,” Andy Nelson, Ai-Ling Lee and Steve A. Morrow

“Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,” David Parker, Christopher Scarabosio and Stuart Wilson

“13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi,” Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers, Jeffrey J. Haboush and Mac Ruth

Kevin O’Connell apparently hasn’t won after 21 nominations, and he’ll probably lose to La La Land here. Well, I hope he somehow gets a win.

Let’s revisit a Matt quote from the top of the article: “Matt always provides excellent, impressive, insightful, groundbreaking commentary.” You’ve really outdone yourself here.

Last fall I was at WB Studios and they explained the difference between sound editing and sound mixing and I was like “Finally! I’ll have a real opinion when the Oscars roll around!” Well, I don’t remember what I learned that day, so let’s just give these awards to Arrival for that little pewpew sound of the aliens squirtin’ their ink.

Production design:

“Arrival,” Patrice Vermette, Paul Hotte

“Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,” Stuart Craig, Anna Pinnock

“Hail, Caesar!,” Jess Gonchor, Nancy Haigh

“La La Land,” David Wasco, Sandy Reynolds-Wasco

“Passengers,” Guy Hendrix Dyas, Gene Serdena

Visual effects:

“Deepwater Horizon,” Craig Hammack, Jason Snell, Jason Billington and Burt Dalton

“Doctor Strange,” Stephane Ceretti, Richard Bluff, Vincent Cirelli and Paul Corbould

“The Jungle Book,” Robert Legato, Adam Valdez, Andrew R. Jones and Dan Lemmon

“Kubo and the Two Strings,” Steve Emerson, Oliver Jones, Brian McLean and Brad Schiff

“Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,” John Knoll, Mohen Leo, Hal Hickel and Neil Corbould

Rogue One had some good visuals, bro.

Damn, my X-Men couldn’t get a nod here? I guess the Academy is saving all their mutant love for Logan next year. Hail, Caesar! Is such a joke of a movie and represents Hollywood’s masturbatory tendencies at their worst. So it’ll probably take home an Oscar here.

I’ve heard Doctor Strange is like trippin off acid without trippin off acid, so if you’re trippin off acid when you watch it, it looks pretty normal. Yeah, I’m certain that’s how it works.

Makeup and hair:

“A Man Called Ove,” Eva von Bahr and Love Larson

“Star Trek Beyond,” Joel Harlow and Richard Alonzo

“Suicide Squad,” Alessandro Bertolazzi, Giorgio Gregorini and Christopher Nelson

Costume design:

“Allied,” Joanna Johnston

“Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,” Colleen Atwood

“Florence Foster Jenkins,” Consolata Boyle

“Jackie,” Madeline Fontaine

“La La Land,” Mary Zophres

Apparently Matt died before he could finish this? Anyhow, Star Trek for makeup and hair? Except for that one chick, who was really lookin all that different? Give it to Suicide Squad, I guess.

Is the real Florence Foster Jenkins still alive? I wonder how she’d feel knowing that, in a twisted way, her awfulness was winning all kinds of awards. She’s probably dead, so it doesn’t matter, but still.

#by Alex and Matt #Oscars #Jimmy Kimmel #Moonlight #La La Land #Manchester by the Sea #Hidden Figures #Lion #Fences #Denzel Washington #Ryan Gosling #Damien Chazelle #Barry Jenkins #Emma Stone #Natalie Portman #Viola Davis #Lin-Manuel Miranda #movies

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Getting Sober: Redefining My Longest Relationship

Never red wine though. It stained my teeth and lips, Id explain when asked, and respond with my quirky I only drink it alone and in the dark answer. Theyd always laugh.

By the time YOLO was on T-shirts I had carpe diem booze down to a science.

When I was in college my hangover cure was strawberries and chocolate milk. After I received my diploma I graduated to well-done bacon, coffee, Mimosas. Water never entered the equation.

My favorite three words when I was with a guy were Want another round?

Yes, to all of the above. I point the finger at all of them and then back at me, and then at them and back at me. Lily says hi.

Today, I stare all the feels in the face, and make sure they know the last sixteen years matter but the last thirteen months matter even more. Im not her anymore, Im a different, more me now.

The good news is, Ive learned how to unwind on a Friday night without the trifecta of a bottle of wine, pizza and Netflix. My secret is just pizza and Netflix.