Some of y'all will see a 50yo butch with a high and tight haircut, resting bitchface strong enough to kill any man, sitting powerfully and comfortably on her motorcycle and the only compliment you can think of is to gush about how she's "cute" and I don't think people get how infantalizing that can be lmao

Genuine question, how did you figure out or realize the whole being butch thing? What does being butch mean to you?

idk if it was like… figure out? more so just putting a name to something i’ve always felt or known about myself. i came out as a lesbian, then i came out as nb, then i was like well i want gender affirming care so that must mean i am Trans™️, & it’s like… none of those words or kind of… vibes (lol sorry) quite fit? i don’t feel like a cis lesbian, & i actually kind of despise non-binary as a concept (don’t send asks abt this i won’t answer them lol, do ur own thing if u love it that’s cool); i think for me personally Transness is a little too serious & intense & limiting to how i feel. & im a white afab person in a smaller body, & honestly…….. we are often the wooooorst demographic of trans ppl lmao so i just didn’t even rly like some spaces i was in. i got the most important gender affirming care i wanted, i moved & i got married, i got to work remotely etc

& so just sitting with all of that it was like. ok well a lot of neoliberal queer spaces piss me the fuck off; i’m not cis, but i’m not TRANS in the way a lot of ppl (very validly) feel; i do Not like nb. i’d read stone butch blues before, i have a degree in critical theory where i worked a loooot w queer theory, obviously i’ve written abt queerness for ages lol. so then i was just like ah. butch. dyke. YAH! sweet. 100/10 feels amazing i love it

& i think for me i love those words most bc they’re rooted in really radical belief that i have. they carry an ethic with them that, at its best & most intersectional ofc, i want to act on, all the time. i want to show up for people & be protective & tough & strong but i also so deeply want to be nurturing & nourishing. i want to allow myself to be nourished & cared for. i think it feels rly wonderful to have a word for transgressive gender that sums it all up bc people lived it before me. they made that very specific & particular space to experience femininity in a way that doesn’t feel like a noose.

i think also butchness is so expansive! something that never sat right w me abt the way we talk abt transness in the west is that i don’t think there are ‘pre’ & ‘post’ transition selves. like… i’ve never been Not Me? like i came out of the womb a dyke. all i did my entire childhood is run around in the mountains, catalogue leaves, play w my dog, read nancy drew, & avidly watch + play any women’s soccer i could. i loved to fish & mountain bike, i grew up in the desert so gardening to me was a miracle. i never cared abt gender at all beyond like ‘well i guess i’m a girl & the women i admire just won a world cup, they’re badass’ & that was it. i liked boys clothes bc they were practical & felt better, but i just. didn’t think about it. ppl called me a tomboy which was fine, i liked scout in to kill a mockingbird so whatever. but i never felt “non-binary” & i certainly never felt like a boy.

& i am… still just like that lmao. i hated my boobs, point blank day 1 lol, but that doesn’t have to mean i’m trans, or that i’ve somehow changed in a way that requires separation from who i’ve been my whole life. i HATE the language of ‘dead/lived’ name; i hate the weird expectation that u should allow the state to have all of ur gender stuff on record (no fucking thank you, y’all can keep my legal name & i will be flying under the radar lol). so i think western transness rly just. irritates me. doesn’t fit. hasn’t ever fit.

so butchness is like. i am 8 year old jude, i’m just older now. if this makes sense ur butch lmao but. it’s this rly free space to play w masculinity in a way that doesn’t necessitate western transness, & also doesn’t necessitate a separation from maternalism, which i fundamentally believe in. i don’t even rly think of my own care as “gender affirming” & more just like… essence affirming. i didn’t want top surgery so my body could be read as male; i wanted it so i could look like me. i want my clothes to feel & fit in a Very particular way bc that’s how i like them. it’s abt practicality, efficiency, comfort.

& lastly to me butchness has a remarkable space for tenderness that masculinity on its own just cannot hold. like. it’s abt being protective & strong, sure, but it’s in service of others. always always always. so sometimes that looks like communicating calmly, sometimes that looks like infinite small acts of service for ur friends or ur partner. when i think of settling into myself it’s more about returning to who i knew i was when i was a kid, when i was the only person my dog liked & how it felt to sit on the swings when the sun was setting after the monsoon; it’s allowing myself to love like that — caring, & quiet, & full.

ultimately to me butchness is about devotion, more than anything in the world. devoted to safety, devoted to community. no one is devoted the way dykes are bc it’s how we survive. it’s how we have always survived — the steadfastness, the faith, the joy, even thru suffering, to not be boxed in. to help each other. to be funny & kind & thoughtful & not reject the absolute best parts of womanhood for the sake of a western box. to demand care. it’s so beautiful. devotion.

tldr it’s the best

look don't leap (drabble)

fem!kinn/m!porsche | rating: t | words: ~600

The most disconcerting thing about hiring Porsche onto her team of bodyguards is that Kinn keeps catching herself looking.

so i was just minding my own business, enjoying a break from writing when @luckydragon10 appeared in my inbox and was like "het kinnporsche go write it now" and look i've mentioned before but nemi is chief squirrel wrangler she makes the decisions on what gets written not me, so i wrote it. ofc bc it's me i had to find a really queer way to do it, lol.

big caveat: this is not going to be for everyone. the main meat of this drabble is about fem!kinn trying to figure out what to do about the fact that she's attracted to one (1) man. it might make some people mad. you don't have to read it if you're gonna be one of those people.

that said, for those who might wanna read it, enjoy!

oh and if you need a visual for fem!kinn good news i already have fem!kinnporsche art here.

look don't leap

The most disconcerting thing about hiring Porsche onto her team of bodyguards is that Kinn keeps catching herself looking.

It’s not that Kinn hasn’t ever felt interest in men before. Compulsory heterosexuality being what it is, the ill-advised and ill-fated male crush is almost a rite of passage at this point, and Kinn suffered from a particularly foolish strain of it. To her teenage self, Tay was everything she wanted: clean, well-mannered, sweet, and above all pretty. He was also incredibly gay. Incredibly, obviously gay.

They dated for about three months, when they were sixteen. Then Kinn got drunk and fucked Tay’s older sister, and neither of them cared enough about the infidelity that continuing to date seemed like a good idea.

It’s one of those things that’s become a funny story. A joke that they tell when they’re tipsy. Time’s never found it funny, but Tay likes to say that Kinn’s the only person he’s dated that thought he was butch.

So, Kinn’s aware that men exist and she’s not totally incapable of finding some shred of them attractive – but it’s never been something that she’s given any weight to. She realised somewhere after the sixth delicately androgynous woman she fucked that the things she liked in Tay were just thing she likes in women, transposed onto her pretty, gender-indifferent best friend.

Porsche isn’t delicate. He’s not even slightly androgynous. He’s pretty, but it’s a decidedly male type of pretty – sculpted torso, cropped hair, the masculine curve to his lips.

He’s nothing like the girls she fucks.

And she wants him.

It’s unsettling.

Kinn’s not scared of him. She hasn’t been scared of a man since she shot her first one, and realised just how easily they die to a bullet through the skull. But the attraction niggles at the back of her brain, even when she should be thinking about anything but that.

There’s a part of her that wants to fuck Porsche, just to see what it would be like. It’s the part of her that gets interested in new cars and new watches – the part that wants to have something, just for the novelty of it. Kinn’s not going to have many chances to fuck a guy that she’s attracted to.

Another part of her is calculative about it. It’s the part that’s been trained to pull apart every situation until it’s stacked into rewards, risks and their mitigation strategies. Porsche is an employee of Kinn’s, and that’s not a line she’s ever crossed before. There’s an implicit power imbalance there, that Kinn isn’t entirely certain she cares about, whilst also not being entirely certain she doesn’t.

And—well. She’s a mafia heiress. As a woman, there are things she can’t do, simply because they’ll invite ridicule. Fucking women has allowed her a lot of respect that she wouldn’t otherwise get, in the mafia. Getting fucked is still seen as a submissive act – and for all her father’s friends sneer at her and call her butch, they listen to her more, because she doesn’t let men fuck her.

In a few years, Kinn knows she could weather the hit to reputation that would come from letting a bodyguard dick her down. Now, with her father’s health failing, and every eye on her, waiting for her to fuck up enough to justify a coup – it’s probably not the best time.

And on top of that, there’s a small, distant part of her that’s just… apprehensive. Kinn doesn’t know how to fuck men in a way that lets her feel in control. And Kinn doesn’t fuck anyone when she can’t be in control.

So, even though Kinn can’t stop herself looking – even though she can’t stop herself from thinking about it – she doesn’t act on it.

She can’t.

Then, there’s the diamond auction. And everything goes to shit.

TWD Fanbase Speculation on Our Mystery Person

@galadrieljones

Also for a sneak peek into some truly moronic notions, see the replies! How many people think Daryl is going to float all the way to France on the back of a capsized skiff? more than you think!

(Idk for some of us the idea that there may possibly be more to the story than what we’re shown in five seconds is apparently too much to bear lol)

I’m sorry for being a bit of a bitch tonight but seriously if this is the state of the average fan right now it’s no wonder they’re going kamikaze on Fear and just making whatever they want for the probably four dozen or so of us fans who actually watch the shows and care about what’s going on.

(I should say there are nice comments too. But far too many of these for comfort )

Some insight into the fandoms thoughts on the mystery hands:

Many ppl saying it’s Troy via the spoiler. But many ppl also confused because the hands look somewhat feminine. Some guess it’s Al.

@wdway

I was hoping you would keep an eye on the chatter today about the strange person. It seems everyone's having the same back and forth this week are about it being Troy. Al is interesting except that it would mean that she returned and bleached her hair. I don't think a lot of people have noticed the hair. I think it would be a major mention if they did. Love to see if anybody else notices the hair or if it's something that TWD will eventually mention.

@galadrieljones

I’ll keep looking in and see if anyone is talking about the hair!

@wdway

They made sure that viewer sight line was on the table and the person's hands, there might not be many of us who noticed the hair. Not everyone is looking for symbols, clues like we do. And that's exactly why whether it's Beth or Troy or someone we've never seen that blonde hair was meant for TD. No doubt in my mind.

@wdway

I guarantee you that all the people that read her response is going, "what blonde hair?"

@galadrieljones

Yeah there is not a lot of mention of the blond hair.

Okay so honestly it seems like not a lot of ppl watch Fear at all. Lots of ppl excited about Troy. Scanned twitter and Reddit. Only found that one single mention of the blond hair so far.

@wdway

Meant for us!!!!!

@galadrieljones

Some are catching on…

As ppl talk more about it, many are predicting it’s Al.

Just means that whatever tptb did, it’s working. Lots of ppl think it’s Troy due solely to the leak, but enough ppl are calling bullshit, because the hands and wrists are too feminine.

Starting to think the “leak” was on purpose.

My favorite is the person who calls her “Sally”

@wdway

Really would tptb really do something like that? Leak information to get people talking. I'll have to think about this, I'm shocked.

@galadrieljones

This is Al. She has short hair, she is a lesbian, very butch. I 100% understand why ppl think it’s Al. But the blond hair? It’s bizarre here, and specific. How many fully blond characters have we had in the show? There’s June, Madison, Beth, Andrea, Leah, am I missing anyone? None of them is Al. Adding the blond hair is clearly meant to throw a wrench in the discussion. Everyone thinks it’s Troy but like clearly it’s not Troy, even if he does have weird little hands. Maybe it’s Al? But why tease blond hair? That part is what’s so weird. Sure ofc Al could have dyed her hair blond. But then anybody could. Just very weird, especially after Leah.

@wdway

I just got it. People counted down who it could be and figured she was someone that might return from the cast and that all this time she's been "lost" on an island and her hair turned blonde, haha

@galadrieljones

The same ppl who are confused about how Daryl will get to France will now demand that this is Al, who was last seen in West Virginia. That said, maybe it’s Al. But wtf works Al have to do with Troy? Why would she have the hammer Madison used to kill him?

If Al was tracking Madison for the CRM it wouldn’t be this hard. Madison worked for PADRE for years, returned frequently to the same spot in Texas. She is on an oxygen tank and clearly can’t get very far on her own. She needs PADRE to keep her alive. It makes no sense why Al would be tracking her from Mexico

Troy makes the most sense, but the blond hair is trippy. Maybe it’s a woman related to Troy, like a wife or girlfriend. We saw one rumor Troy had a daughter Madison took. But I also saw some discussion on Reddit that some ppl think Troy actually won’t be a villain, that this is misleading, that he is actually trying to earn back Madison’s love by returning Alicia and Strand to her. I actually don’t remember tho if Troy knew Strand.

Strand wasn’t at the ranch, and he only would have met him right at the end.

@wdway

I think it's just that people remember the actress from the series Lost and in that series she had blonde hair. That's the best reasoning I can do. Makes no sense to me. I truly think if they were going to tease about Al that it would not be in that setting it would be tied to the crm.

Strand was part of the dam episodes though, right.

@wdway

Is this person carrying some type of bag under the coat. There's two objects that seems to be sticking up could those objects be similar to what with they left behind on the table.

The object on the right is what I'm curious about, the person has just stepped away and it looks like wearing tan pants.

There's a water canteen on the right, in the middle what is that object? And then to the far left bronze colored what is that? The middle object reminds me of something but it's so far out there that I hesitate to even say it but I'll do it anyway, it looks like a fold up music stand.

I know I'm skipping back to Morgan and Frosty. The only colors on frosty is black, white and green, the scarf is green. It has the top hat but typically the top hat is black and the scarf is, I believe red. I just think this is a huge clue especially since there are black and white curtains hanging next to to it that the Walkers come through that window breaking the glass. This along with the strange blonde person is just blowing my mind.

@galadrieljones:

Strand was part of the dam episodes though, right?

Yeah he was there. He is first a prisoner, then Daniel frees him after killing Dante. Strand promises to help Daniel find Ophelia. He takes Daniel back to Rosarito, but it’s overrun. Daniel then abandons him and Strand is super messed up and wanders back to the coast where he finds the Abigail. That’s when he talks to the Russian cosmonaut, who gives him new hope. He burns down the Abigail, and in this scene is wearing his aviators.

But then he ends up in Mexicali at the bazaar, imprisoned and in debt. Madison frees him, and then they end up at the dam, trying to bring water back to the ranch. Strand ultimately ends up making some sort of deal with the Proctors, and it’s a little convoluted but he makes the deal to ensure Madison, Nick, and Alicia’s freedom. He has to try and empower Daniel tho to make good on the deal. This is when he ends up shooting Daniel in the face.

One of the last discussions we see with Troy before he “dies” is as they’re planting the C4 under the dam, and Nick runs in to tell Madison that Strand sold then out to the Proctors. Madison says they need to meet up with Daniel, but Nick says that Daniel will kill Troy if he sees him. This is because Daniel blames Troy for Ofelia’s death. Ofelia was bitten in the air vents when the ppl at broke jaw are confined to the air right pantry after Troy leads the walker horde to the ranch. She was trying to fix the broken fans.

So Troy has beef with both Madison and Daniel. But I don’t remember if he ever met Strand. He might have, with Nick, at the Bazaar, when the two are “harvesting” walkers for adrenochrome, which they’re selling to the bartender. So idk if Troy would know Strand. I’ll have to go back and check.

Man season 3 was crazy lmao

Madison killed Troy in front of Nick. It messed Nick up bad, and after the dam remember he becomes weirdly codependent with Madison. It’s why he ends up dead. But before that, Daniel interrogates Nick about Troy and the horde b it Nick never sells Troy out. The two were best friends, even after Nick killed Troy’s father. Troy is obsessed with Madison and with the Clark family.

I’m trying to think of another proxy here. Troy is a bit of a “Governor” archetype but it’s different than that because he was a pseudo-son to Madison. His attachment to her is pathological but not necessarily hateful. I would not be surprised if he wanted to help her, even after she tried to kill him. It is pure speculation but it reminds me of the apostle Peter. He betrays Christ three times but still ends up by his side. Madison is the Christ figure here, which would make Troy the Peter archetype. The dog biting the hand that feeds him. Possibly there’s an Edwards parallel? If Edwards helped Beth survive the gunshot, then helped her escape Grady, he would be an interesting parallel, betraying her multiple times before ultimately ending up at her side.

@galadrieljones

I haven’t looked closely at that metal item in the back. I will today. I took the metal cylinder thing with a handle as a thermos? Maybe for coffee. I have no idea what the military looking object laying on its side is. I thought maybe a flashlight, but I really don’t know.

@wdway

These are totally random and out of order but this one struck me because of the Heavenly light shining onto the water.

Just wanted to show this again. I believe this is a large knife on the right side remind me of how Daryl wore Beth's knife. I know I'm probably reaching, but what the heck.

@galadrieljones

fall is a long time to wait. They want us talking and reaching. If they wanted it to be Troy, cut and dried, they wouldn’t have added the hair and made the hands like that. I have now looked at this dumb hands so many times. I feel that while they’re a bit masculine it’s ultimately the wrists and forearms that are too feminine. Troy had weird little hands but he doesn’t have lady wrists and his forearms are defined

Also I feel if they wanted it to be Al, there would be a hint that it’s Al, other than the fact that the hands are feminine.

I want to draw out tptb somehow. They have been really quiet about Fear. Everything revolves around the spin-offs.

can u explain how butches and femmes are counterparts and not opposites? or how femmes arent like lipstick lesbians? im not trying to be argumentative im just a very confused gay girl who Wants to Understand

First of all, sorry for taking like 50 years to answer your ask! I hope you still see the answer, though femmes and butches come from the same piece of history, where they were two sides of the same coin, a sort of “ying and yang”, if you’ll forgive the cliché. it’s more of an attraction to something that’s different but also the same in some ways, someone who might balance you out in a way in their differences but still gets where you’re coming from. it’s not uncommon for femmes to have previously thought they were butches because they felt a connection to the butch/femme history and dynamic but also felt alienated from womanhood due to their lesbianism. plus, two things being seen as opposites kinda often implies that there’s something in between those things, which isn’t the case here. butch/femme isn’t a “lesbian gender binary”, and the whole “futch scale” thing isn’t how it works, it was sort of a joke that got out of hand and led to many people misunderstanding identities that are important to many people. a stone butch isn’t just a super masculine and tough butch. “soft butch” meaning “butch who isn’t super muscular and who is sensitive” ignores that those things don’t make any butch less butch in the first place.femme is just an older identity and it just kinda goes hand-in-hand with butch because they have shared origins, and originally, in the past, the typical dynamic was a butch and a femme being together or seeking each other. it’s about complementing each other by having differences that work with each other, rather than differences that clash, and by having similarities that bring deeper understanding. of course stuff has changed, butches can date other butches ofc (there’s not really a different term for “gnc lesbian who exclusively or mostly seeks other gnc women”, and butchness, while it is a specific identity and a sort of “role”, is very associated with a specific kind of appearance. plus, many butches hear some dumbass shit about butchness even among wlw, so some of us might seek other butches so we finally feel understood. or just because they find other butches hot, which, in my opinion, is very understandable lol).also, a femme doesn’t necessarily have to always be super typically feminine, there’s an association with an older type of identity or role, so many femmes these days might incorporate a few things that could be considered gender nonconforming, like not shaving, not wearing makeup, having super short hair or buying some clothing articles from the men’s section (usually not all at once i guess? idk, i’m just giving a few examples). some might not use “she/her” and might not really see themselves as part of womanhood.or they might be very traditionally feminine, as many are.of course there are lesbians who might do any of those things but aren’t femmes, but that’d be because they just aren’t drawn to the identity, don’t long for a certain type of dynamic in their life, don’t feel connected to that part of history. most lesbians just aren’t butches or femmes. it’s not a bad thing, or a deep thing, most lesbians just aren’t! it’s a subculture, and that’s for a reason.but basically, butches and femmes just have more in common than we have differences. they’re complementary identities.originally, in specific contexts where those terms came up, butches and femmes were just seen as the possible different “types” of lesbians who seeked each other for relationships, sex, companionship, understanding, etc. it was originally a thing that came from lesbian bars, frequented by working-class women. so many butches and femmes worked in the same types of places (factories, often), so they still lived in the same type of context (though many femmes were sex workers, and that’s also an important thing to know, i don’t wanna seem like i’m ignoring it, but i’m not going deep into it bc in that case what they shared was still that they were also working class). of course many butches and femmes now aren’t working class, but those are the origins of those identities, and we should never forget who came before us.of course there are lots of differences between how lesbian working class bars were a few decades ago and how butch/femme is as a subculture now. the current subculture largely relies on writings from people who were always butches and always femmes back in the day, rather than those who sort of had to make themselves fit into one of those things because that was the expectation in those bars but otherwise didn’t feel connected to a certain identity or role outside of the specific context of the bars and relationships. so the modern butch/femme thing is, first of all, a subculture, because we don’t want people who don’t really connect to being a butch or a femme to feel like they have to fit in there, because if you don’t then you just don’t and there’s obviously nothing wrong with that, that’s why it’s a subculture, most lesbians just aren’t part of it, the same way most people aren’t parts of other subcultures. and since it’s so very based on the historic records left by people who were always butches and always femmes, regardless of where they were, who they were with, etc, it’s also about a constant identity now, rather than being someone who calls themselves a butch in a context where it’s about women seeking women but otherwise doesn’t really feel a connection to the identity in my experience, many femmes get annoyed at women who say they’re femme4femme bc they say that that’s why the term “lipstick lesbian” exists in the first place, as most women who call themselves “femme4femme” usually just mean “feminine woman seeking feminine woman”, using “femme” to just mean “feminine”. so that’s why there’s often an annoyance there.i’m not saying that a femme has to /exclusively/ be into gnc women to be a femme. just that being a femme and being a feminine lesbian don’t mean the same thing, and generally, femmes in the current butch/femme subculture often have at least a preference for butches, due to a desire for a specific kind of dynamic in relationships and anything surrounding that. there’s just a specific kind of historical connection and a sort of role connected to butchness and femmeness. it’s a subculture that’s more than just about what you look like and what the people you’re into look like. “butch” gets tied to a certain kind of appearance a lot more than femme does, as it’s a kind of appearance that stands out on its own, without the person saying anything about their identity, so many femmes rely on that connection to a specific part of history and certain desires and dynamics and roles a lot when it comes to their identity as femmes.lipstick lesbian is a term that sometimes just refers to very feminine lesbians, but very often specifically to feminine lesbians who exclusively or at least mostly seek other feminine lesbians. and to my knowledge there’s not any kind of deeper connection to any older identity or culture there, it’s like “masc4masc” or something like that, it’s just a description of your personal kind of aesthetic and the kind of aesthetic you find desirable (i’m not trying to imply there’s anything wrong with that, of course! just that it’s not the same as being a femme, but of course two things not being the same doesn’t automatically mean one is better than the other, which is something i want to make clear throughout this whole huge answer to your ask).idk, i’m no expert or anything, and i’m also just not great at explaining things, i tend to ramble a bit and i sometimes express myself in a way that was clear enough for other people, and sometimes i end up talking a lot. also, there just isn’t much butch/femme history where i’m from, at least not any /recorded/ history, there aren’t always words that describe the exact same things (of course there are people like me and people who are like many femmes, though, we’ve always existed, but there’s not really much of a butch/femme type of community thing because our history and words are different, and there’s generally fairly little LGBT or specifically wlw or lesbian history recorded), so this is about what i know of butch/femme culture in the US and online (since the latter relies on the former).there are a lot of people out there who talk abt butch/femme a lot, people who have read and watched and experienced more stuff connected to that, so you could ask people like that if you need more information (you can ask me, of course, i’m just saying they’ll know more), esp when it comes to femmes, since i don’t have their specific perspective on differences between femmes vs feminine lesbians who aren’t femmes, or on the femme4femme thing, which means i’m only talking based on my understanding of what they say, rather than from personal experience as a femme, just because i’m not one. (part of the reason why it took me a while was bc i asked some people i know, one butch and one femme, both have more knowledge about this stuff than me, esp the latter, to see if there were any inaccuracies they could see or something i didnt express well)

The Story of My Crush and I

Yes, this is gonna be a very useless lesbian story about me and my crush.

No, I'm not exaggerating with uselessness. I really am that useless and that much of a clueless bottom.

So hold on tight and follow this rollercoaster of emotions (I might promise too much, but idc, just read it)

Oh, and also, I can and will advertise this as butch x femme bc she's like,,, the butch girl of your dreams and I am the emo femme.

We met because of a mutual friend (let's call her A). So A and I were online friends but luckily we only live like 1h by car or 2 by train apart so she invited me to her birthdays where I met her friends and also my crush. I think we knew right from the beginning that everyone (except for A) is gay. Same interests in music, tv shows, whatever, I get along with A's friends very well. Which is great. Obviously.

I don't know at what point I started crushing. But I knew that on the second birthday party of A I was invited to we were playing truth or dare and I got to choose who I want to kiss. I wanted to say my crush but I was too awkward so I got to kiss A herself and another of her friends. But not my crush. Later that year (it must have been the same year) A, my crush and I went to the cinema together to watch Love, Simon, it was summer. I lowkey hoped for some kind of arm/hand touching action, you know? But yeah, nothing happened, but crush and I always looked at each other when you could see some reference to panic at the disco (brendon urie our lord and saviour). That's that. About 1.5 years ago now.

I possibly had some kind of "relationship" of two weeks with a boy, I regret it. I never wanted my crush to know, bc I still wanted to have a chance. Yeaaaah, let's just not talk about it.

About one year ago, A set crush and me up on a "date" (apparently we both were complaining that we wanted a girlfriend.). I think it was around that time when I told A that I actually have a crush on my crush.

So we went to a Christmas market, we were just walking around, at some point we got chips and she was like "I'll pay" and I died a little. Yeah, that's the most "intense" it got, no holding hands or anything. Pretty disappointing, right?

I think the next time we met was my Birthday party. She and A stayed over night because of the distance so it's just less stressful. I actually was invited to her birthday party as well but my (not anymore) best friend decided to have hers on the same day so I thought since I was closer with my best friend, her party was the right decision.

Crush is literally one day younger than me, btw.

So since A's birthday is also in the same month (march, my people, it's insane) A's party was the next time we met. And again all of the other friends I already knew. At some point crush taught me some kind of dance figure (discofox) so our hands touched, wow so intense, she has very soft hands.

At some point, again, truth or dare, but it was just crush, me and one of the friends (the one I got to kiss a year prior). I had to say whom I wanted to kiss if I had to and I was like "ehhh, I don't mind, really", but obviously, I was just too insecure to say my crush's name.

A and my crush both came to see my school's musical (obviously I was in it). When they talked to me afterwards A hugged me in a way that felt like she was trying to lift me up. Since she's smaller than me I was like "are you trying to lift me up?", said it in an ironic way. My crush then said let me try and yes. She did.

A also mentioned that my crush first thought about getting flowers for me but since they had to drive for a while she didn't and I,,, did crush really think about that???

Time went by.

Crush and I only communicate via snapchat.

When I was on holiday she texted me something like "we should meet again when you're back, I miss you" and I, slight gay panic, responded probably "same" and something saying that we should meet!

And we did. We met a couple of times so I'm not really sure what happened when and first or whatever. But I think it was the first meeting (or date???) When we went to a nice roof top bar (it was summer. Summer of 2019) and again, she said she'd pay. So we sat there for a while, talking about... anything, gay things.. casually.

Later we got food (pizza. Pineapple pizza, we both love it and if that's not a sign....) and after being too awkward to ask for the bill we somehow managed to get it and the waitress placed it in the middle of the table. Why am I mentioning that?

So. Before that happened my crush said that with same sex couples it's a "thing" that whoever gets handed the bill is the top. At least in the eyes of the person handing you the bill.

Let's just say that I really have no top energy and the waitress only put it in the middle bc I already had my wallet out.

Btw. I paid. I said we'd pay together and that I'd pay. Most top energy I've ever had in my life.

Later on we were just sitting at the riverside, talking. Eventually it started to rain and we ran somewhere to not get that wet. Yeah. Funny. It really was funny.

About a week later (I got a cold bc we sat in the rain. wow), when we were snapping, she mentioned that she finally found some friends to go swimming in a lake with (it was a really warm summer week) and I was like "oh, lucky you, I don't have anyone to do that". Guess what she did? She invited me to come as well. A and some of the other friends I know were coming, so that was fine for me. Of course my dumb ass lesbian self said yes and the next day I spent two hours on a train to get there.

That was a Wednesday. On Thursday I'd have my very last oral exam in school (graduating is fun n stuff). Why's that important? Well, I made some more poor decisions that day.

When we were like.. done with swimming the plan was to drive to my crush's place to have some kind of bbq. A and I wanted to go to A's place first to shower. On the way we figured out it would be more convenient for me to head directly home because of my exam the next day and how the trains run. I texted my crush what was going on and she was like "you could sleep over at my place and go home tomorrow morning" (my exam was around 2 or so). Of course I said yes. She then asked me if I wanted to drink something specific (there is this certain brand of sparkling wine she knows i love and got it for me).

So we then spend the evening sitting in my crush's garden. I had the whole bottle of sparkling wine for myself since I was the only one liking it/not having to drive. My crush had beer, so that's fine. After all the other friends left we we're just sitting alone, outside, in the warm summer night, talking, sitting in silence (not that awkward kind). At some point she suggested to star gaze when it got dark enough. So guess what? We were lying in the grass next to each other, looking at the night sky and making up names for random star constellations. When it got cold she got us some of her jackets.

Eventually I was slightly drunk since I didn't eat much and drank the whole bottle and I maybe ended up asking her how obvious me having the crush was. Well. Let's just say that my subtweets aren't as sub as I am.

Yeah, so that was the last thing we talked about before sleeping (ofc i had to borrow some of her clothes). Awkward? Maybe. But not really, since nothing changed between us. She knew.

I think the next time we met was when we went to get new piercings together. Chaotic energy, very spontaneously. It was fun, I don't regret anything. I can't remember anything worth mentioning that happened.

So since I graduated this year my live obviously needs to go on. I'm doing a gap year, as an aupair. So I did some kind of "good bye party" with my closest friends before I left.

My crush was invited as well. So, first, she brought me a bottle of my favourite sparkling wine. Then, (I was really stressed) she told me to breath, calm down, or sit down and if I remembered it right she did make gestures that I should sit on her lap? Anyways, I didn't, I had to do something else.

At some point that day we were all sitting on the sofa, me next to my crush. She said something like "my arm hurts" and placed it around my shoulders and then said "oh look how smooth that was". Yeah, I died.

She helped me doing the dishes at like 3am and we talked about random things.. maybe some more "private" things.

A few days later she explained to me how she felt (Text. Not in person, do we look like we aren't socially awkward?). She told me that she really wanted to give me a clear answer but she really can't say if she has romantic feelings for me or not. Like she can't say yes but she also can't say no.

Unrelated to that thing I texted her and asked if I had a chance (I was prepared to get a clear no, so I could stop crushing, you know) but she told me that I do have a chance. Why are lesbians so bad in those things.

Yeah, then, I went abroad. We still snapped pics to each other. She told me (multiple times?) she'd come and visit me if she had enough money.

She on day told me that she had been to a nice veggie restaurant and said that we should go there one day (I'm vegetarian).

When I was sure that I'd come home for christmas I told her and we planned to meet. The idea was there but to actual plan what we wanted to do.

In the meantime we started to do almost daily "good night" snaps and suddenly she started to include a heart in her good night message to me. Eventually I did so too and now we almost every day send each other a picture saying goodnight with a drawn heart on it. You wouldn't do that if you knew the other person has a crush on you and you wouldn't want them to have this crush, would you?

And also she really isn't a person to use much emoticons, certainly not hearts.

So now the plan is that I come over to her place on new years eve (which is tomorrow.)

She said she'd look forward to it and I am literally dying of gay panic and excitement.

Additionally, you know those things on Twitter "@ the xth person, it's your whatever" yeah. People did that with "@ the 6th person is your new years kiss" guess who that person is for me? Literally my crush's Twitter. Eventually I did post it with a "lol" (ironically.) and she responded to it with this smirking emoji. You know which one. 😏. That one.

Yeah, that's pretty much the story. I am a gay mess. If she finds this, I'm dead. Well. Anyways, I'll have another 6-8months abroad when I go back so what could go wrong. Haha. Ha.

I'm way too lazy to check for typos and I might have not included every single detail, but you get the broad idea.

Thank you for your attention, I'm out (what a pun).

TL;DR: lesbians being the useless lesbian cliche, I still don't know if i had a chance

@volatilelovers​ replied to your photoset “ok so like i had a totally other purpose cos it was about me walkin...”

Ok 1) bra deets 2) I want ur dog I'm sorry I just I want to steal him 3) is this like no make up challenge? Hashtag real lesbian bodies? The airbrushing drives me nuts and soooo much so called lesbian content on tumblr is not realistic and therefore kinda lame imo but it's better than nothing. An embodiment person I follow started a series where ppl send in photos of different parts of their own body and idk this remind me of that. That and thirst trap obviously lmao

1) Puma! from Winners lol. It is SO comfy, ngl. The cups are those annoying bikini type removable ones and they can shift a bit but it’s nice and tight, but not too tight. I mean, Puma don’t make the most long-lasting, durable undies but they’re nice while they last. 

https://www.amazon.com/PUMA-Womens-Seamless-Graphic-Crossback/dp/B07XYGGLWM

Puma fits small tho. Like this was a medium, and it’s a bit small. And I’m just a regular 34-B/C (depending on the damn company ofc). 

I actually bought it cos of what we were talking about the other day and I was like “i need more sportsbras. sore boobies need gentleness, no more underwires.” (and i gotta say it has helped a lot it seems.) i honestly haven’t really worn sportsbras regularly since...like high school...... so this is all new haha. altho i’m now in the state where if i don’t have to wear a bra at all i won’t. (very different to even 5 years ago when i’d never NOT wear one, even to bed.)

2) he is stupid you can have him lol he has bad breath and won’t stop snuggling and licking toes. he’s a toe licker. he won’t give kisses anywhere else but if you have bare feet watch out. it’s disgusting lol

3) honestly i think that should be a hashtag. i mean so much of the “lesbian content” i post photowise is these perfectly shaped, photoshopped, etc women. probably most of whom aren’t even gay half the time. (the older ones i believe, and they tend to show more real bodies in older women. cos older women aren’t meant to fit in the ~tumblr aesthetic~ anyway.) but with the exception of one or two selfies, i don’t often see actual lesbian bodies here. lots of heavily filtered, posed, aesthetic photos of 18 year olds with perfect bodies. which is like... not most of us?  and to be totally frank, it took me so fucking long to be ok with my body and it wasn’t until i really accepted who i was (AND be around other women consistently naked and had it not matter to them) that i even was comfortable with it. like i’ve always been so, not ashamed, but shy. (and i know if you saw photos from when i was 19 and walking around in like no clothes you’d be like “are you sure? cos you look pretty confident in that teeny bikini or dress.” but inside i was very much not confident. i did it to fit in and be popular lol. sweet sweet (fake) validation, babey!). the self love that comes with being with other women is incredible.  anyway yeah so like i know how my body DOESN’T fit into the ideal aesthetic (and i’ve had plenty of comments in the past irl about my lack of “womanly”/”child bearing” hips, skinny arms, etc etc. the hip thing always kind of made me laugh tho cos i am always like “well, nature knows! good thing i never want kids then if i don’t have the hips for it!!”) but i think it’s important for people to see regular bodies around. like yeah? a little tummy? i used to be devastated by that (and doctors thought i had an ED cos of it) but i’ve come to accept that it ain’t going anywhere cos i’m a female and that’s just how it’s meant to be. esp as we get older. (and my wife insists it’s cute. cos i was skinnier when i met her and she’s like “you look so much better now”, which is similar to the time i lost a lot of weight to get rid of that tummy specifically cos it’s used to be a Big Thing I Hated, and once i put back on some weight my granny was like “oh thank god. you looked really sick before”.) and esp when you come from a culture that doesn’t have more body acceptance. like the first time i went to iceland and to the pool and all the women were just wandering around naked, in all ages and forms, and with zero shame, i wa slike WHAT IS THIS WORLD??? it was baffling to me. cos even in change rooms here it’s quite i dunno hush hush (altho not men’s locker rooms cos i’ve spent a lot of time in those when i was the only girl on the hockey team and they’re just boldly naked and don’t give a single fuck. but women’s lockerrooms? always a bit more...i dunno.). except old ladies who don’t give any shits whatsoever. but all ages there, just going about their business--and i STILL felt insecure which is crazy. i was stared at more for NOT being buttnaked. even the kids were like “wtf”. i want that sort of casual, easy body acceptance and lack of fear of judgement. and i didn’t even shave my pits here (it’s been weeks)... and i forgot until i posted the photos... and then i realised, it seems really obvious to me irl but then i look at the photos, and i’m like “shit, it’s not really noticeable is it? i’ve been freaking out all this time over nothing???” that was pretty stunning tbh. i didn’t realise til i took the photo that it’s not this massive deal. anyway i’m just sort of sick of the “young, thin, hyper-feminine so-called lesbian with long straight hair and sexy undies” ideal (esp when softly touching other young, thin, feminine so-called lesbians). my god just searching “lesbian” on this hellsite is 95% that exact content (that isn’t a comic or illustration which is the only way to see real bodies lol how ironic). god forbid there’s a butch in sight, even a soft butch, or normal body, or natural bush/hair, or tomboy that isn’t super feminine. (the only tomboys allowed are the cute ones with the hipster shirts and backwards ballcap with long hair and perfect eyeliner). we get the occasional professional athlete but that’s it. (where are the regular athletic women, the sporty, muscular women, not hyper-feminine tomboys? where are the stone butches and big old ‘i don’t give a shit bout anything’ dykes? the women who exist outside the ideal BMI and age range? nowhere. cos it doesn’t fit the virgin tumblr aesthetic. it’s not “pleasing” to the majority of users here cos they’re so accustomed to only seeing one type of “lesbian”) but beggars can’t be choosers. and so i reblog the slight bit of shit we do get lol. i dunno, if i was an 18 yr old lesbian i’d be so worried cos i don’t look anything like these girls and no one else i know is either. so just a regular ole boring lesbian body here and it’s imperfect by social standards but it’s fine by my own. tbh i think it’s pretty cool that normal people send in photos of their bodies, just regular, imperfect, everyday people to counteract the mass of bullshit on social media where everyone is so fucking fake. (i assume that’s what you mean by the blogger you mention. i’m guessing it’s not photos of perfect, filter-heavy body parts etc.) and i think in a weird way, being seen --not necessarily validated for it tho-- helps your own ability to appreciate yourself. like not hiding it. just taking that step and posting “this is my leg” esp if you’ve been insecure about it. and you don’t even need the “omg what a beautiful leg! leg power!” sort of social media cheap validation stuff. just the act of posting it. (and i mean...i don’t mean porny, thirst photos to get likes. just... you know normal shit. although i would TOTALLY post my bush if it was allowed just to knock it home that it’s natural. and NICE. and we need to see it more. and i don’t mean in a porn way either. but in the way we see women in art or science books. nonsexual. like that goop episode LMAOOOOO) just as a “this is what it is”. and we all need a little more bodylove i think. and it’s hard to do that when all you see is the insta and tumblr ideal aesthetics absolutely constantly. but i mean i really did just want to show off the bra ...which then turned into showing off the dog lolololol cos he’s ridiculous.

why are you one of the Eve haters? Is it just because she's not a POC?

Lol, so the short answer is yes.

But if you feel like reading me rant, here’s my longer response. This is just gonna be about the casting and styling because I think that’s the part that most important in terms of this blog. I do have my own thoughts on characterization, but let me not get into that here, lol.

When the casting call went out, the show said it could be for a queer woman of any ethnicity. So maybe this was on me, but that alone sparked a hope that they would be casting a Woman of Color, particularly someone who was a Black stud/butch/tomboi/masc/etc. lesbian in that role. When I found out that they cast a skinty feminine white woman instead, it was extremely disheartening. There was literally no reason why they had to cast her as white. Even if she is Grace’s cousin that A) is a choice made by the showrunners and B) doesn’t rely on whiteness to be true. Multiracial families exist.

My issue is that someone’s ethnoracial identity absolutely cannot be thought of as a separate entity from their gender/sexuality.

Okay, so let me explain.

Every version of Eskild is not only vital to their Noora’s storyline, but to their Isak’s. And for me, that’s why Eve’s casting made no sense to me the most. Now, to be fair: we had a submission earlier that said it wasn’t right that no Eskild was getting the same scrutiny as Eve, and I think that’s a fair assessment (and the submission is worth reading). No other Eskild has gotten this kind of criticism for being a white cis guy.

But for me personally, when it came to the other remakes, my annoyance was always at the lack of diversity in the Isaks first and foremost. This is because it stood to reason that whomever was cast as Eskild would have to match up. I think at a certain point I was resigned to the idea that each remake would have cis white gay Eskilds for cis white gay Isaks. Would it have been really nice to have more gender/racial diversity? Yes, of course. To me though, it didn’t feel as pertinent for those remakes to cast diverse Eskilds. Both because of my resignation and also because… tbh this kind of matching made sense to me in terms of an intersectional lens - meaning the types of discrimination that Isak faced should match up with Eskild, in order to really make the Pride lecture make sense. Right or not, it’s how I felt. Obviously other folks, especially lgbtq+ MoC who don’t have any rep in the Skams, can and might feel differently.

Now, when I’m saying intersectional lens, I want to be clear. When Kimberlé Crenshaw  first coined intersectionality (though ofc her focus was on Black women specifically, not all PoC) she wasn’t really talking about identity at all, she was talking about discrimination. it means that the oppression people with multiple marginalized identities face has to do with overlapping forms of discrimination.

Isak only has one marginalized identity. On the discrimination he faces from that alone, Eskild can wholeheartedly relate. That’s what make that mentorship/friendship so important and more equitable.

Shay on the other hand has multiple marginalized identities: woman, Black, lesbian. The discrimination she faces isn’t just because she’s Black, or just because she’s a woman, or just because she’s a lesbian. They all intersect, and the sexism, antiblack racism, and homophobia she will face are  inextricably intertwined. There is no and never will be a white lgbtq+ person can ever, nor will ever, understand what it means to navigate the world as an lgbtq+ Person of Color.This is the heart of my disappointed with Eve’s casting.

Again - as a Black lesbian, Shay will have to deal with sexism/antiblackness/homophobia. All as one, all informing each other, and inseparable. This is something a white woman, even if she experiences sexism/homophobia, will never, ever be able to grasp. Even if Eve were butch, she wouldn’t ever be able to understand this experience. White women do not experience sexism the way a Black woman or an other WoC does. White lgbtq+ people do not experience homophobia or transphobia the way a Black person or an other PoC does. There is no possible way for them to know what we go through.

And so. The idea of having a white woman lecture Shay on Pride? On the discrimination she’s going to face? On the history of lgbtq+ liberation in the U.S? Specifically when it was started by trans women of color? It’s ugly to me.

It’s true we don’t know what they will do in Shay’s season. But I can’t stop thinking about this. I’m not speaking for all lgbtq+ PoC, just from my experience. I honestly do know that there are lgbtq+ PoC who are really freaking excited about Eve. And that’s great for them, honestly. If other folks can still see themselves in Eve and feel represented, that’s a good thing.

But for many of us, we didn’t/don’t have any lgbtq+ characters of color to look up to. The majority of lgbtq+ characters in the U.S. media have been white. Even in 2018, 58% of lbpq+ characters in the media were white. And even when we do get lgbpq+ characters of color, most of them weren’t stud/butch/tomboi/masc/etc. or gender non-conforming. Rarely are they trans or nonbinary. They didn’t and don’t reflect a lot of the realities that we live in. This lack of visibility means something. When every lgbtq+ person you see on TV is white, it’s alienating. (See this Autostraddle survey for more on this data.)  

But I can’t feel that way. Because I was a Shay, and in my experience, being lectured to by white people only served to push me deeper into the closet. It only made me think that being gay was for white people. Because their whiteness protected them and they got to be out in a way I thought I would never be. That is, until I met older lgbtq+ PoC. Who looked like me and shared my cultures and got it. And yes, she’s a TV character. But I’m devastated that from what we’ve seen, Shay won’t get this.

Fine, though, they cast who they cast. My biggest issue is in terms of presentation and style. First, it literally makes no sense to me why Eve isn’t a butch lesbian. Second, I HATE the way they styled her in hipster faux-poverty aesthetics.

We look at the role of Eskild and his characterization, his femininity is a huge part of who he is. It’s a massive part of the Pride lecture he gives Isak, especially because a large part of Isak’s internalized homophobia comes from just wanting to be “normal.” Eskild is not ashamed of being flamboyant/feminine because it’s who he is, and he said a big fuck you to gender roles and expectations. This is the same with the other Esikld remakes that we’ve seen. They show that being who you are is never a stereotype.

Binaries are fake and socially constructed, yes. BUT with Eskild’s femininity in mind, it would only make sense to make Eve butch. There is a massive stigma against GNC lesbians/queer women not only in general society but in lgbtq+ spaces. This is not to bash or police feminine/femme lgbtq+ women (I’m one of them!) but it’s also to acknowledge that the ways in which butch/stud/tomboi/masc/etc. women express themselves makes them extremely visible, and that’s not a privilege. Butch women face high rates of sexual violence and assault based on their appearance in the same way that feminine gay men do.

And even with the increase in lgbtq+ women in media (again see the Autostraddle survey) the majority of portrayals are NOT of butch/stud women. Which fucking sucks because that’s erasing a huge population within lgbtq+ communities. It’s not that having a butch white woman lecture Shay really makes it any better for me personally, but it would’ve made so much more sense to have Eve be butch. Because that’s the direct correlation to Eskild’s femininity.

Finally, once you cast someone you can style their character anyway you want. Just because Eve’s actress dresses/looks as she does doesn’t mean Eve has to. So why did the showrunners chose to style Eve the way they did? Rather than do something actual subversive, they styled her like every other 20-something middle class white hipster who relies on an aesthetic of poverty. (I know one of her defining character traits now is that she never has any money, but… something about that framing feels like it’s supposed to be kitschy and not because she’s literally impoverished. Could be wrong, but look at Grace in comparison.).

Personally, this stylization is especially hard to witness because of how many white lgbtq+ people I know who dress and act exactly like Eve. It’s not something that’s specific to white people - I’ve seen plenty of middle to upper class PoC aestheticize poverty too - but this kind of thing is often rooted in the junctions of class and whiteness. For more on this, I would really suggest reading this article. It really gets into this like… fetish that middle/upper class lgbtq+ people have for “looking” poor.

Anyway this is really long so let me wrap up. My issue here is mainly what my issues has consistently been with some of these shows. The showrunners want to include “diverse” issues and (for the most part) a “diverse” cast but it seems like they don’t have a crew that have strong race/gender/class analyses. Eve could’ve really been something but from casting and styling alone, her character already falls flatly for me.

So, yes. At the base of it is because she’s not a Black stud, but it goes deeper than that, too.

- mod Jennifer

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

I liveblogged all in one post this time cos I wasn’t sure I was gonna get time to watch the whole thing before work or not

So here, enjoy my in-time notes. Or don’t. As you will :p

'Even his obsession with Bruce is a reflection of Jerome's' - shut your mouth Jim!!

Jim interrupting Eddie's riddle = A++

Yeah, Eddie torturing Jim is a thing of beauty! The theatrics! The question mark! The laughter! A personal return to The Riddle Factory, for his own personal gratification :) And his justification that he's doing it FOR LEE works absolutely fine for me.

Oh interesting, so Ra's vision didn't happen, so he's forcing a new version? I like that, that he's not seeing real, or at least fixed, prophecies. Because I find prophecies so annoying most of the time. But if he is just having psychedelic visions and then actively trying to create them that's different, that's on him :p

I call bs on his new claim that painting!Babs was someone he loved though - he's just saying whatever to get what he wants from her, which is now having her with him since he believes she still has some Demon's Head power.

Jeremiah in standing restraints al a Arkham Asylum game!! Fabulous!

Well... I'm hoping that Lee was pulling some psychological trick on Ed there because she knew it was the best/only way to save Jim, and she didn't just walk away not caring if Ed killed him or not because... I like her flirting with darkness, but there's a LIMIT to how dark I can take her...

Also Eddie, Eddie, always twisting things to your personal perspective. She didn't choose you. She chose HERSELF.

Okay later scene with Jim suggests to me she was manipulating Ed earlier to save Jim... interesting pause over whether she's leaving with Ed... I wonder... is she gonna try and kill him now, because she's determined he's too dangerous because of this?? (that's a level of darkness I can accept - matches her killing Sofia, because Ed would similarly be someone she's identified as 'bad' enough to need killing maybe......)

Fantastic scene with Bruce, Ra's and Jeremiah. Love the emphasis on their mutual, insane obsession with him, nicely highlighted with them on either side of Bruce. Gorgeously shot. Bravo :) 'Gotham falls, we rise. Together' - actually got a little chill there.

.......so that death of Ra's looked LEGIT? ...except, that's bollocks, right? He CAN'T die? He should have had serious Plot Armour?? What? (and hey look, for myself I have never given a toss about the character, but... he was well cast and... changing up the mythology to kill the character you made a point of correctly casting as POC doesn't... seem... great?)

....well. So long as NEITHER OF THEM DIE, I'm... kinda chill with Ed and Lee's final scene.

Tabby telling Butch 'I love you' can fuck right off. Thanks for downplaying the epic Babs/Tabs from before and making the m/f pairing the 'real' romance show, real classy.

Oh, Ozzie's betrayal was about getting revenge on Tabby? Well, I suppose it's good we avoided a Bury Your Gays trope then?

...I ...know a lot of people were mad that Ozzie hadn't been seeking revenge on Tabby for killing his mother, so... I guess it's good they dealt with that? ...I was never fussed myself though so... mostly I'm just too annoyed about them pushing Butch/Tabs in order to give Ozzie this moment of villainous triumph...

(is Tabby gonna re-grundify Butch to save him? or will Strange do it perhaps?)

Selina - so they are doing the FULL Batgirl paralysis with her?? Did not expect..... that's seems a bit.... unnecessary... presumably she will be cured via magical means?

Bruce choosing the city over staying with Selina works nicely, yes.

Did Ozzie just claim a MUSEUM as his new HQ? Please please tell me that's what that building is! Because that is 100% Arkham City and I will love it.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME OZZIE FOUND ED AND LEE AND SENT THEM TO HUGO TO BE FIXED?? You know that this means Ozzie's priority during the chaos was apparently CHECKING IN ON ED, FOR SOME REASON? Because why else would he have come across them unless he deliberately went to the Narrows??? Amazing.

I am curious as to why he wants Lee fixed as well as Eddie... if he assumes they are still a couple perhaps he hopes to manipulate them like he did Butch and Tabby? ...though you'd think he'd figure out from their tableaux that they killed each other (which surprises actually, I assumed one or both of their stabbings would be survivable).

FOXY!! You should have got out while you could bb. But the fact you didn't is ofc why I love you. Stay safe okay xx

...okay, I like the non-Batsignal Batsignal obvs but... why would ANYONE look up and see a spotlight in the sky and think 'ah, that is a sign I must follow the light to its source' ?? :p

Oh I see, it's like the only light in the city right now, so it's a ~STATEMENT. Okay, fair :)

urban fantasy + jackparse

big thanks to @taggianto and @restfulinsomniac because they yelled at me when I asked them to I couldn’t have done it without you 💙 🌌brought to you by the parseposse 🌌

Bob was human before Alicia turned him

but she turned Bob only after Jack was conceived

so Jack is a halfie from the start

and in their real forms, vampires are unnerving. they have waxy, bloodless skin and sunken eyes but in artificial light they’re sparkling_heart

and Jack gets all his mom’s good looks and his dad’s love for hockey

but they know that putting him in hockey is unfair because humans just can’t compete

he never grows up with hockey as a burden on his shoulders. he’s allowed to be a geeky, chubby history nerd who loves taking photos of random stuff

Jack goes to samwell

the Samwell campus (since I can’t remember canon right now) is next to/in a lil town

right? and Kent is just this lonely sixteen y/o boy who has a little magic and he can talk to ghosts

and in Jack’s first year, this girl on campus and her boyfriend are found dead in the woods behind the Haus

and then weird shit starts going down near the Haus and their Captain, who is superstitious as fuck even by hockey player standards, is like. nope. we gotta do an exorcism

and he puts Shitty and Jack on the task because the frogs gotta be good for something, right? and so they ask around and someone gives them the game of someone who tells them about Kent

Kent lives alone. he got kicked out when he was 13 bc his dad was like, no fucking devils in my house. Kent finds this dilapidated cottage just a little bit into the woods on the other side and the ghosts there are friendly and kind and give him instructions on how to cook and which herbs to pick at what time for witchcraft and which herbs the florist will buy

and Kent survives and occasionally someone will ask him to do an exorcism and Kent will charge them to talk to some poor confused ghost who doesn’t know what’s going on

which is what Jack and shitty ask him to do, or so he thinks, so he shrugs and agrees. and I want it to keep in mind that this is Jack without hockey. he’s a slightly chubby, awkward history nerd who takes a camera everywhere and happens to be half-vampire by complete accident

he’s like, the last person you’d expect to have vampire parents

he’s adorable, okay? Kent can’t deal with this stupidly beautiful soft boy. he just can’t. he reacts in typical Kent fashion by being a jackass to Jack (ha!) who’s like ?? about it

(Kent is going to melt the first time Jack hugs him)

Kent is so going to melt, though. he’s been alone with nothing but ghosts for regular company since he was 13 and Jack is large and warm and he smells like maple syrup and almonds and he’s always wearing dorky sweaters and he’s got a slow, wonderfully calming heartbeat. Kent doesn’t stand a fucking chance

I think Jack doesn’t even need to be a vampire for this fic to work he just needs to not play hockey

anyway. Kent goes with Jack and Shitty to the woods behind the Haus and they a have a campout for 2 days where they toast marshmallows and wait for the ghosts to show up

Kent hears someone crying on the second night after Jack and shitty are asleep. he goes to investigate, like the entire dumbass that he is. who goes it turn out to be? the girl who was killed, ofc. and she’s all bloody and horrifying and shit and I won’t go into details bc I have to sleep in 15 minutes but she scary

but Kent is like, np. hey, can I help you out? what happened? starts talking to her in a normal person voice until she calms down somewhat. and she’s just getting somewhere when shitty pops up behind Kent with a really loud leaf cronch sound and the girl starts screaming again

Kent is like, good job, asshole. and they aren’t getting anywhere with the girl so they just go back to their tents, where Jack is taking photos of the fire and looking Hot As Fuck (ha!) and Kent is extremely flustered bc he is a smol teenagered boy. and they all go to bed.

Kent wakes up just before dawn, yelling. his nightmare is bad enough that he nearly strangles himself trying to get the fuck away from whatever it was and Jack and shitty don’t get what’s going on but Kent is terrified and won’t stop crying so they take him back to the Haus, where Drew, their manager, makes waffles for everyone but especially Kent

who is by this time wearing one of jack’s sweaters and also has their softest blanket draped over him like a cape

(interlude because I fell asleep)

so where I left off, Kent is sitting at the table, eating waffles courtesy of Drew, the SMH’s genderfluid manager and Lardo’s predecessor

Jack is hovering nervously bc Kent has been crying for half the night and vomiting for a quarter of it

but Kent insists he’s okay now, and Jack is hovering because he’s! worried! Kent is tiny and Jack doesn’t want anything to happen to him

Kent, between shoveling waffles into his mouth bc he’s only had them once before in his life, tells them briefly how the girl died

and the way she died is like, gruesome. it’s this horrible thing involving a high school cult and this girl was a witch with real power that got trapped in this thing and they tried to kill her but it didn’t work and it’s bad. let’s not go into too many details about it

and she told her boyfriend, who was a lax bro, and he was like, I’m gonna beat these people up, except there was a demon stuck somewhere that these stupid cultists set free and it killed her and her boyfriend

bad, long drawn out deaths

and once Kent is done eating waffles–which takes a while, because he eats a lot–he slams his fork down and says, grimly, “I’m going to kill them.” and Jack goes ummm? no? ur 16 u r a child?

they fight. loudly. there’s a lot of Jack yelling you are a child and Kent screaming, I’m the only one who can do this

Kent does not like Shouting he has a lot of bad memories of it.

shitty, walking in: we can,,,,,,all go,,,

Jack:

Kent:

and drew is like, the hell you guys are leaving me behind. I’m the only adult in this room and y'all all are kids

restful: (drew has adopted three children? somehow?? but they are all drew’s children and drew loves them)

restful: (one of them lives in the woods and needs more waffles in his life, another goes by the name ‘shitty’, and the third hangs around with the hockey team despite not playing hockey but they are all drew’s kids)

me: (the lax bro feud starts in jack’s sophomore year and it is 100% Drew’s fault. drew didn’t have to humiliate the entire team because zey were bored)

Drew uses zey/zer/zers

drew is a messy edgelord parent

so Kent and shitty and Jack and drew all go on an Investigation

(I feel like this fic should be written like an Enid Blyton novel)

so they around and ask people weird questions until Kent sees someone who has magic. people who have magic (and other supernaturals) show up in Kent’s vision with weird coloured auras.

and they go up to this dude, a Muslim guy in his third year who recognises drew, and this guy is like, yeah totally. I know about that cult of fucking weirdos that followed Allison around. I helped her get a restraining order on them

so they go track down the restraining order. the cop they meet first is this nasty cishet dude who refuses point blank to use Drew’s pronouns, casually calls Kent a slur, and won’t look at Ahmed and sideyes shitty suspiciously. this is where jack’s occasional vampire charm helps (or maybe it’s because Jack looks like a Fellow CisHet) and the cop agrees to dig up the file

Jack is not a Fellow CisHet and is very uncomfortable at being mistaken as such but he plays along because he Must

and everyone acknowledges the brave sacrifice that he’s making

restful: Jack, staring longingly at Kent’s every move. “Uh, yeah. Het. I can pretend to be that.”

me: [about Jack] me? heterosexual? yeah, uh, totally. I’m not. gay. or bisexual. *staring at Ahmed’s ass in those jeans * I’m Straight

Kent, also staring at Ahmed’s ass: I’m not

drew: you’re all dead to me except Ahmed, who can have my number whenever he wants

restful: Ahmed, wide-eyed and trying to decide which of them to stare at. “all of you can have my number, please use it.”

Ahmed: except you, Kenny. also, does anyone know to file for adoption?

the head of the (I had to google this) precinct is a butch Native American woman who shows up to ask them why they want records.

Captain: can someone explain?

Drew: please take me I’m gay

Kent explains the situation to her and she’s like, yeah totally. u can have the records. Allison’s restraining order was before i transferred here but totally

so they go thru the records and find the names of the people Allison restrained. and then they go track down those people

drew gets the captain’s number 'just in case we need some help’ but we all know zer True Motives

(Ahmed and Drew are gonna get together and work out a relationship where Drew gets to have as much sex as zey like and Ahmed gets to remain faithful to zer which is ideal for both of them, partly because Ahmed is just a lil grey ace? he’s uncomfortable calling himself that but he doesn’t like sex nearly as much as Drew does)

anyway, they have a showdown where Ahmed shows off his karate moves and Drew splits zer time between fighting (badly, needs to be rescued) and 😍@ahmed

drew is such a bad fighter because zer entire technique is to flail and screme

Ahmed loves his idiot person, okay? he’s made his peace with it

Kent meanwhile tries to exorcise a demon and he has no fucking clue what’s going on

or what he’s doing. but he cuts a deal with the demon that amounts to 'you can have the cultists but plz go from here, begone etc’. demon is okay with this, partly because Jack is being a threatening bloodsucker in the background and this demon isn’t that strong–demon boi might win. but he might not. boy ain’t chancing it

Jack and Kent become awkward friends who meet for dinner every week and they go trekking in the woods and pine horribly over each other. it’s gross. Kent is still living alone in a cottage in the woods and he still needs to be hugged about 6 times more than he is right now

but on the plus side, he has friends now! Jack and Drew and Ahmed (who’s teaching Kent magic !!) and *looks at smudged writing on hand * Skittles

and the entire hockey team.

and the Captain, who takes one look at this idiot boy and invites him home and feeds him and does it regularly enough that Kent is living there before he knows it

Kent goes back to school. he s t r u g g l e s to get grades good enough to get into samwell next year (he hasn’t been to school in 4 years ok) but he has Jack to help him study!

Jack kisses him at graduation

it’s just a quick little omg you made it kiss but Kent is! so happy! he feels like he’s bursting with it

he has everything he wants, he’s loved and hugged, he has a little kitten who’s his familiar, and even if he doesn’t get into Samwell he’ll still finds have magic and community college and he wants to become a teacher

the end

Winter 2017 Anime Overview: URAHARA and Konohana Kitan

URAHARA

I really love the idea of URAHARA in concept, so it’s a shame that it ended up being so bland and meandering in execution. I mean, a magical girl show focused on what it means to be creative and the loneliness of being a creator and the struggle of forging your own identity? That should have really spoken to me. And sometimes it almost did. But unfortunately, low budget, poor animation and pacing, an under-developed story and characters and lack of believable stakes hampered the show a lot.

The show focuses on three girls who run a shop in Harajuku. When aliens called “scoopers” come to steal all creativity and culture from the place (because they are unable to create on their own), it’s up to the girls to save the day with magic powers.

Urahara's plot and dialogue is repetitive and simplistic in a way that may appeal more to children than adults. And as a show for children, there’s nothing really wrong with it- the show is about girls finding power in their creativity, which is great. But, being a show for children isn’t exactly a solid excuse for its failings- there’s many shows for kids that still have enough substance to appeal to all ages- Precure is an example of a show in a similar genre aimed at 6-10 year olds that does that. What’s more, I worry that Urahara spins its wheels and drags so much that even a five year old might find it boring, as harsh as that sounds. 

The low budget of the show is painfully apparent- some of the workarounds, like the scene cuts and transistions, are clever, but I wish more attention had gone into making the girls more expressive. They had oddly vacant expressions a lot of the time which made them hard to connect with. The character design is quite nice though and the pastel, cutesy aesthetic is often well implemented. The characters are good in concept as well, but really could have stood to be fleshed out more.

I think the strongest episode by far was episode 4, which focused on Kotoko, delving into her backstory and how she felt isolated because she would get obsessive about her interests and others would find it annoying. It was a very relatable fear, and made me wish the girls backstories had been delved into a lot more. What were their families like? Their daily lives outside Harajuku? Unfortunately, the series chose to be vague about these things. So the girls tended to come off as one note, even though there were seeds of good characters there. The things they represented- Kotoko being insecure about her interests, Mari being insecure about if she’s “copying” others, and Rito being insecure about finding people who enjoy her work period- they’re compelling and could have made for good character arcs if delved into a little more competently.

The series also delivered some plot twists, but would then spend like, 3/4s of the next episode explaining the twist, endlessly standing around and talking about it. Basically, we had the standard twist where the girls realized they’d been tricked and their powers weren’t what they seemed/the world was a lie- but in the end, they found power in their own creativity, fantasies, and the strength of their friendship and it saved the day. Again, I love that in concept, but in execution, the girls just stood around and talked repetitively about what was going on and I got REALLY tired of hearing the word “creative”.

 There was an entire episode where two girls stuffed their face with Evil Food (tm) while the other girl futilely tried to talk them down and then gave in and started eating the Evil too, and that was it. Then 3/4 of the next episode were the other girls having a severe turnaround and talking the THIRD GIRL down. It got very boring to watch, especially since the characters weren’t emotive enough to sell dramatic situations.

On top of that, the climax was the girls endlessly running from a giant talking shrimp who was not remotely threatening, so it felt like there were no stakes at all. So what if the shrimp catches them? What’s he gonna do? When they defeated him it was more of a “duh” moment than a triumph.

In the end, I still think it’s good that Urahara exists. I wish it could have lived up to its cool core concepts and potential- it could have been a compelling narrative. But I’m glad they TRIED to make this story, even if it wasn’t as good as it should have been, and I understand how hard it can be to make things on a shoestring budget. The staff of this show was mostly women, and I get the feeling from watching it they didn’t have a lot of support or resources. But they tried, and they created something and it was visually interesting and inspiring as a concept, even if it falls way short as a story. 

I hope it reaches some small kid who’s able to overlook its flaws and enjoy the visuals and the great message- I hope it inspires that kid to be creative. I’m sure the main characters would agree that even when creators fall short, the art produced is still worth something, and I believe that about Urahara. 

Konohana Kitan

It’s nice when a piece of media can be summarized as “gay ____”. This one can be summarized as “the gay foxgirls show”. And it is genuinely gay- while the main characters’ relationship is still in progression, two side characters are pretty upfront about having feelings for each other. It doesn’t dance around being yuri,  which is good. It also doesn’t dance around the fact it’s catering to the male gaze, which is less good.

The show follows a young fox girl named Yuzu who works at a inn called Konohanatei in some vague spirit world place. It shows the guests she encounters as well as her growing relationships with the other foxgirls. It aims to be a heartwarming fantastical slice-of-life show, and it does succeed on tugging the heartstrings on a few occasions.

If you asked me what I thought about this show, I’d say it’s okay. It definitely has its highs, and the final episode has a particularly strong story which pulls off a satisfying, heartwarming and emotionally appealing conclusion. It’s a decent iyashikei (warning, tv tropes link) show at its best, though I think me getting the feels was hampered a lot by how one dimensional the characters are. They’re not BAD by any means, but don’t really fall outside their general moe archetypes. 

The main character is clumsy and tooth-achingly sweet and that’s about it. Her love interest is the tough driven type with a squishy center. Our other couple is the classic tomboy and hyper-femme tsundere pairing. So on and so forth. You’ll find all the classic anime Cute Girls tropes. And there’s a TON of fanservice, especially the bath scenes. The first episode also has a forced strip gag, though there’s nothing of the like in the episodes after that. 

The show did surprise me at times- there was a mini-plotline where one of the characters got groped by a customer and hit him in response, then got scared she was going to get in trouble. But all the girls came together, shut down the guy’s victim-blaming bullshit and threw him out, and assured her she did nothing wrong and comforted her. It was nice to see and well-handled. There was also a tribute to the Nanami’s egg episode of Utena, which was quite bizarre.

At least it respects the classics.

All in all, while there were some good one-off stories (it was a pretty episodic show) it was largely too generic to stick with me all that much. There’d also be the occasional pandering, stereotypical thing that would annoy me- like I liked the femme-and-butch couple but felt they went way too hard and borderline offensive on the “she’s basically a guy” jokes for the butch one(with no intention of trans rep ofc). There was one bit where femme tsundere accused her of “thinking with her dick” and she had to remind her she didn’t have one. Kinda ew.

(and in addition to all the other things I mentioned, I should warn there’s an episode that deals with a ghost who is implied to be a suicide victim. It’s very “PG” in how it handles it, but still, it’s worth mentioning.)

So, if you’re starved for yuri and want a relaxing slice-of-life show with a few sweet tales, you could do worse than this. There’s some problems, but it was definitely watchable and I could just turn my brain off and let it wash over me.

put my response behind a cut cause want to avoid Discourse on the dash

I think a lot of this issue comes from this assumption that every personal preference has to be some major political thing or some kind of praxis, and every preference that doesn't fit that, is wrong or bad somehow... I have my own reasons for being into femininity that are based in my own background (where everything had to be Of Use, your only value was how smart/competent you are, craving softness and nurturance)

And while I'm into a very different thing in women, I very much get where you're coming from, from a different angle

I ID now as bi and not lesbian so I don't really talk about this on my blog bc I don't want to step on lesbians

yea, i get this and agree completely. i think esp on tumblr it becomes kinda a pissing contest sometimes about who can be the most ‘progressive’ with their attractions/media consumption/celebrity faves, lol. like, there’s definitely room to talk about what is considered attractive and what isn’t in terms of oppressive systems etc, same way the consumption of some media is questionable, but imo with things like how people dress or genitals like...it’s not that deep. like yea, i’d never prolly date a woman that was really feminine, but that doesn’t mean i hate feminine women? butches just always catch my eye more often. (tho i’m certain some people would take it that way.) i always joke with my wife that someone is eventually going to call me out for loving that she’s so much taller than me cause omg that’s fetishizing power differences.

i also think sometimes i also get the impression that people are...afraid? of admitting physical attraction, or just sexual attraction in general? esp in terms of motivations and stuff...there seems to be the whole ‘hearts not parts’ thing and some deep fear of being seen as shallow or too sexual. (i don’t think its irrational to worry about being perceived that way ofc, esp with how sexual women are seen/homosexuality is stigmatized/etcetc, but...it’s certainly not something we should worry have to worry about.)

i guess more than anything, it always kind of boggles my mind that liberals/other people who seem to put a lot of emphasize on fighting ‘purity’ culture a lot of the time seems to push a rhetoric that frames physical attraction as Unprogressive. i guess to me, promoting healthy sexuality means untangling sex from ideas of political/sexual purity/power so that the connections people make will be healthy and genuine and enjoyable for everyone involved. i’m very bad at wording things but, the main idea i see seems to be that openness to sleeping with/dating anyone and being “fluid” is more important than just knowing what you’re into and pursuing that.

fasdfdf...i ended up babbling a lot, but hopefully it made some sense ^^; thanks again for sharing your thoughts!