GOOD NEWS

JAKE IS LIKELY RETURNING TO THE $5 TIER STREAMS NEXT MONTH

bad news murph is not doing another dm stream in that case (hopeful news it seems he's enjoyed it as much as we have and seems interested in returning at some point)

𝕗𝕒𝕚𝕣𝕪 𝕡𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕔𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕖𝕤 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕦𝕥𝕤 - eddie munson x sex worker!reader (nsfw)

complete masterlist | stranger things masterlist | eddie munson masterlist

“𝕚 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕝𝕚𝕧𝕖 𝕗𝕠𝕣𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕚𝕟 𝕒 𝕕𝕒𝕪 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕙𝕖𝕣” - her | chase atlantic

words || 𝟞𝕜

summary || in which eddie spends a night with a woman of the night - who's also his ex best friend

a/n || it is so embarrassing that a white man has a chokehold on me like this. you're a special breed, joe quinn, you are. god put some garam masala in you for sure. also this is kinda dogshit hahaha. more eddie tho, so strap in ➵ ! allusions to smut ! , making in 18+ content. please do NOT interact if you are under 18 ➵ not yet proofread ➵ send me requests if you have ‘em. enjoy!

warnings || fluff/smutty for like a minute/angst ➵ like super non-descriptive smut for a minute (though it is still 18+ babe, don't try anything, minors)➵ !disclaimer! reader's a sex worker, so some things about that are mentioned. this is not a glamorous take on the life style, and it also bounded by the norms of the 80s. the opinions of the characters on sex work are not my own: it is a totally normal, real job that should be respected. understand that this is through a certain lens for the point of storytelling

her hands absentmindedly fiddled with the hem of the skirt she was wearing. it wasn’t exactly like the pristine, white and green clothes that the cheerleaders wore, though it was just as short. no, it was a dark navy, and it didn’t exactly have attached athletic shorts.

similarly, the tank-top she was wearing wasn’t exactly made for the september weather, with the occasional smattering of goosebumps appearing on her arms, even in the warmer classroom. she didn’t make any attempt to cover herself though; instead, she was reminded to stick her chest out just a little bit further and to fix her posture.

she could feel several pairs of eyes looking at her, and she placed a look of innocent focus on her face, staring up at the teacher, though she could not care less about what he was saying. finally, she turned her head just a slightest bit to see the guy next to her staring at her tits almost unashamedly, and, when he caught her eye, she tried to return his bright smile. gross.

but she supposed this was all part of it - the job. advertise the goods, reel in customers, get ‘em to really stick. it worked well enough, and she usually had the ability to rake in a solid income of 30 to 50 dollars on most days. it was enough to pay the bills anyways.

she heard the bell ring, and she was out of her seat smoothly. knowing the guy behind her had been ogling all lesson, she bent over slightly as she gathered the rest of her things, walking out of the room with a forced but subtle sway to her hips. just routine, really.

she reaches her locker with just a few glances thrown in her direction, and she almost immediately notices the upside-down envelope at the bottom of her locker. she doesn’t look at it right away, though, knowing its contents already, as she instead focuses on putting her notebook away.

finally, she flips the paper over, being careful to make sure it can’t be seen by any particularly curious passer-bys. the front’s also blank, so she slips her fingers into the unsealed opening, fumbling until she feels three separate pieces of paper. pulling them out, she realizes she’s holding two 5 dollar bills, and a note.

down payment. boiler room alleyway. - c.r.

it was from a regular, and she pressed her newly acquired 10 bucks into the bottom of her hand bag. the small mirror she had hung on the door of her locker was what she then used to fix her appearance, tousling her hair so that it fell better over her face, reapplying a thick layer of mascara to her eyes, and applying a darker shade of red to her lips. the product transferred easily - which was actually preferable for her, as guys adored seeing those red stains.

she had a slight headache as she walks towards the back alley between the school building and the boiler room. no one ever came in there, and it had become the base of most of her operations.

chase was waiting for her there, with a smile that screamed that he was just a little too excited. she placed her handbag down as she neared him, and let out a small ‘oomph!’ as he pulled her into a hug. he was always one of the more touchy ones, but she could hear the crinkle of bills in his pocket, so she breathed a sigh of relief as she let his hands travel from their conservative hold of her waist and down to cup her ass. she lets out a fake, playful gasp, as if he didn’t do this every time.

he ate it up, though.

he’d handed her the money as soon as he’d let her go, tapping his foot rather impatiently as she placed the remaining 30 dollars into her bag.

he’s always a little rough with her after that, not even pulling his trousers down past his ass and not doing much more than letting her unbutton the top two of her blouse, pulling her tits so that they rested over the constricting fabric. her knees hit the gravelly pavement with some force, knowing her tights would, at best, be quite dusty when she stood back up.

she knew his type, only paying for a blowjob and rushing his way through it, leaving her chin glossy and her jaw sore, with a lopsided, though satisfied, grin on his face. he worried almost as much about someone seeing them and his reputation being ruined as he did about actually getting his rocks off.

she had a packet of tissues in her bag that she reached for as he zipped himself back up, taking another moment to collect himself.

“goddamn, that was money well spent.” she smiled, but it didn’t really feel like a compliment.

“duly noted, chase. you know i have other options, right?” she did, with different rates for different acts. he never seemed to differ from this one, though.

“next thursday?” he ignored her prompt, and she pursed her lips at his response.

“if you bring the cash.”

when she was 5 years old, she wanted to be a fairy princess. she would prance around, swaddled in her blankets to mimic a ballgown, with a spoon in her hand to mimic a wand, and with a thick hoop-shaped toy from when she was a little younger balanced precariously on her head, to mimic a crown. her father would play with her as she pretended to enchant him, as her mother would add decorations to her adorable ensemble.

when she was 12, she wanted to be an astronaut, with galaxy-themed pictures littered all over her room. she’d read every book the library had to offer on space, and had watched vhs after vhs about the moon landings. she had just the ittiest, bittiest little crush on neil armstrong, but she found him more to be cool that anything else. her mother would walk her to the library to rent out the books, and her dad would go to family video to find movies centered on sci-fi and space, and they’d all watch star-trek reruns on the weekend.

when she was 14, she wanted to be a teacher, as she’d begun to tutor some younger kids. her mother worried for her, but she worried more for herself. her father didn’t care where she’d been. he didn’t care about anything except his younger colleagues anymore.

when she was 16, she wanted to graduate. she wanted to get into college, maybe travel and visit california, before settling down somewhere that felt like home, a small town just like hawkins - as long as it wasn’t hawkins. her mother would work late nights and curse at her as she tried to clean up the deteriorating house. her father had stopped calling a year ago.

when she turned 18, she’d been kicked out of her house with just a suitcase and 100 bucks to her name.

it wasn’t too bad, though, enough for rent for a few months in a house on the outskirts of town as she tried to figure out what she could do to work. she’d debated finding a minimum wage job - maybe a clerk, or a fast-food employee, or baby-sitting. that had been until she read about something in a rather taboo magazine - sex work.

she was, frankly, disgusted by the notion, until she realized how much it paid. if you had an audience - that is - and, unfortunately, she did. she was subject to hoots and whistles anytime she’d walk past her male classmates, her assets drawing the attention of every shitty guy in a mile radius.

that’s where it had started - teasing guys until they’d be willing to pay to have sex with her. word traveled fast, and her small business had become successful over the past few months. her clients included regulars, guys who wanted to lose their virginity, guys with frigid girlfriends, guys with no game, and guys who had a lot of money to blow.

the women of hawkins high hated her. the men degraded her. she clutched the bills in her hand a little tighter, remembering what it was all for, as the cold air sliced into her arms once again. her eyes prickled as she thought of that sweet 5 year old she once was, sighing softly.

being a fairy princess is overrated anyways.

eddie could tell she was cold.

he could tell that no one else was noticing that - and why would they? they were admiring her beauty, as he had done so many times before. he supposed it was different, though, as he knew their appreciation was one only interested in the superficial: the swell of her tits and the curve of her ass. he liked to think his was just a little bit more intimate, as he thought about how nice the slightly crude flower nail art was on her nails, or how her pencil was definitely tapping along to the rhythm of crazy little thing called love.

how did he know that?

well, because it had somehow remained a song that she loved for the past 6 years. impressive, he knows, but he gets it. queen does have that effect on people. he still remembers handing her the cassette with that song as the first track, watching her face morph from slight unsure to excitement as the song continued playing. she’d given him a big hug after that, joyously telling him that she couldn’t wait to hear the rest of it.

sure, they hadn’t talked for nearly 3 years now, but that wasn’t really anyone’s fault. some people just drift apart, you know?

she and eddie had never exactly been attached at the hip, but they did talk a lot in middle school. he’d been two grades above her, and he’d always acted as more of a guide than anything when they’d first met. feeling decidedly lost in one of the school hallways, he had been the one to help her back to class. when feeling unsure what exactly to look for in the library, he’d given her a ton of suggestions. and when she had sat on the hill behind the recess playground, crying because of a bully, he had tentatively put an arm around his shoulder, trying to console her with soft words and light jokes.

they had become close friends - as close as you could be in middle school, when you didn’t share classes. she remembered being heartbroken when he’d gotten a buzzcut, already missing his long, wavy locks. he remembered her, very poorly trying to play guitar, and him helping her to learn her first chord just as she was about to give up.

eddie sometimes wondered who the girl in his history class was, considering how different she was from his middle-school friend. she’d stopped speaking to him when he was about 16, and she was 14, and he’d noticed her coming to school with sullen faces, and ever-present, faint black mascara streaks on her cheeks. she stopped speaking to - well - everyone by then, and, to the rest of hawkins high, she’d sort of just faded into the wall.

not for him, though. he’d always wonder if she was alright, but she never gave him the chance to ask.

then, as she finally stepped up to join him as a senior, the student body collectively found a renewed interest in her. at first, he attributed it to her sudden change in style and behavior, but, through word-of-mouth, he was quick to realize that that was only a small, small part of it.

he had been shocked by the career choice, as he never really imagined the girl he knew - the girl that so badly wanted to be an astronaut - to make it. he didn’t really care, though - figuring it was her choice, until he realized - nay, remembered - just how sad she seemed all the time.

he remembered the genuine smile she’d beamed when he’d given her a small saturn keychain to her on her 13th birthday. he wished he’d see it again.

care to meet an old friend? you’ll find me at the forest clearing behind the football field, 3:30.

the note’s eccentric, and the handwriting’s a little erratic. she could tell this wasn’t one of her regulars, as they always tended to be more direct with their messages, and almost always made sure to include a down payment. this note had neither, and it ended up infiltrating her thoughts constantly through the rest of the day.

finally, when the clock had struck 3:00, she found a little bit of a bounce in her step as she made her way to her locker. she couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but something about the note screamed fun, exciting. she hadn’t had that in ages. and - to be quite frank - there was something childish about it all. she knew it was a little odd to think, considering what the she figured the note-writer would want from her, but she clung on to that innocence as she slung her bag over her shoulder.

without too much attention to her surroundings, she slowly - discreetly - made her way to the football field, around its fence, and to the small trail that led into the woods behind it. she listened to the soft crunch of leaves behind her feet, listening to the small melodies of birds in the distance.

finally, she finds the spot - a secluded, as described in the note, forest clearing with a bench at the center of it. she looks around and, seeing no one, places her bag down, sitting at the edge of the bench. she glances down at her nails, picking nervously at a hangnail. she cringes a little at the splotchy daisy design that she had attempted to make on them. when she’d finally finished it over the weekend, she’d been real proud of it, but as the days continued, she found herself hating it.

she’d spaced out, so she doesn’t have much time for a reaction between hearing footsteps behind her and whipping around. so, instead, her mystery guest places a light hand on her shoulder to guide her look at them.

she gasps in shock at the sudden touch, but she wished she’d saved it for when she’d actually seen them, as her jaw hung open at the face staring back at her.

his black, curly hair was the same as how it had been in middle school, and the smile lines around his smirk was something she still remembered. though, since then, he had grown quite a few inches, and he had just the slightest fuzz of facial hair on his obviously-not-shaved face.

“eddie?” it escapes her in a whisper, but it cuts like a foghorn through the silence.

she gulps, realizing that the job had finally caught up to her. as she looked into his big, doe eyes - the same eyes that she looked into whenever she needed guidance, help, or consolation - and she knew she couldn’t treat him like everyone else.

she couldn’t casually give him a blowjob, or have sex with him. it would hurt her heart too much.

“yeah, hi! how’re you doing?” oh, god, he was talking as if they were good friends, like they’d remained speaking for the past 3 years, like he wasn’t here simply to fulfill his needs. she felt her jaw clench just slightly, in the hopes of not letting a tear escape her.

“i’m fine. my rates are -” as she’s ready to list her regular prices, he stops her by a sudden gesture of reaching and digging into the front pocket of his jeans. he procures a very crumpled note that he’s then pressing into her hand. she looks down in shock, seeing a crinkly 50 dollar bill in her palm.

“uh, i hope that’s enough - i didn’t really know, uh-” she shakes her head, clearing her mind as she pulled her hair into a shallow bun as she reached to unclasp the buttons of her blouse.

“it’s enough, you’re fine.” she knows she’s being far too forward and - honestly - a little pushy, but she wants to just get it over with so that she doesn’t cry in front of him.

“wait - wait, stop.” he lightly grabs at her hands, that were making their way down to her skirt, and he’s got a look of shock on his face when he looks back up at her. his eyes are trained harshly on her hands, as if he’s trying very hard not to let his gaze wander to her chest, “you don’t have to do that.” her mouth falls open a bit in confusion.

“it’s - it’s what you paid for, munson.” he cringes at the use of his last name, the formality of her sentence making the air around them just a little bit more frigid.

“no, i don’t want to do that.” he finally lets go of her hands, gesturing that she can re-button her blouse, as he looks away, threading his fingers through his hair, “i’m paying you that money for your time.”

“my - my what?”

“your time. i just wanna spend some time with you.” the last part’s a little fumbled, and she knows why: this was far out of the realm of what she usually offered.

“spend some time with me? munson, i don’t know-”

“eddie, and you’re fine. i just need ya for a night.” she looked down at the bill in her hand, before shaking her head.

“i - uh, i can’t take this, please just-” she pressed it back into his hand but he didn’t grip it.

“how much will it be? because i really can’t afford over 70-”

“no, no - i can’t charge you for spending time with you! i’m not even giving you anything.”

“you don’t need to-”

“eddie-” he smiled at the switch of moniker, “you’re not paying for anything.” she tried to reason with him, not wanting to look at his face for fear of that soft, understanding expression being on it.

“i am.” she closed her eyes, sucking in a sharp breath.

“look, i’ll spend the evening with you. but you are not paying me.” she curled his fingers around the bill, moving back before he had a chance to give it back to her, “alright?” he looked at her with a small smile, before nodding.

“deal.”

he’d driven them out of the school lot after that, as she fiddled with her sleeves. they weren’t talking much - well, he was trying to start conversation: about his hobbies, about things to do together, about how she was doing. her answers were curt, as a bubble was growing in her throat, and she really didn’t want to cry in front of him.

but how could she stop it? she’d had the biggest crush on the senior since they’d met all those years ago, thinking that he was the kindest, funniest, most talented person in their school. he’d let her ramble and ramble about her various interests, he’d introduced her to good music, he’d entertained her as she, transfixedly, watched him play guitar. he’d been there when she’d been hurting - and even at the very beginning of her parent’s split, letting her stay at his place, or do things with him during those first few months of arguing.

but it was too much. when the arguments had happened once or twice a month, she wasn’t too guilty about sharing the burden with her close friend. but, when they started becoming a weekly (and then a daily) occurrence, she couldn’t continue exploiting his kindness. she couldn’t bear exploiting anyone, owing to her sudden seclusion.

the tape he’d given her - made by yours truly, as he put it - was what she’d listen to all the time, finding the music on the player give her a sense of soothing in her otherwise tumultuous life. it wasn’t as good as the sense of soothing he gave her but, once again, it felt like she was imposing on him.

and did it become so damn hard to see him in the school hallways, pretending she hadn’t seen him and, even if she had, that she didn’t care? it was the worst thing in the world, especially as she saw that the small greetings and waves he through her way fading until his only acknowledgement of her was the occasional glance in her direction. and she couldn’t even complain, as it was all her own fault.

“how’s your mom?” the question takes her out of her thoughts, as it rings out over the soft melody on the radio. when eddie had heard of her father’s initial actions, he’d tried to help her out, which included become acquainted enough with her mother in order to convince the older woman that he wanted to help her daughter. it had worked - which is why her mother had entertained the friendship for that long - and he was always asking to make sure both women were alright. of course, he didn’t know who her mother had become.

“i - uh, i don’t know.” her voice is quiet, and her words are mumbled. out of her peripheral, she can see a look of confusion wash over his face and, out of his peripheral, he can see that she’d become significantly more uncomfortable and upset, and he dropped the subject immediately. instead, he stopped his van in front of the middle of town, a little establishment she’d been previously familiar with in front of her.

“what movies you like? you still a fan of e.t.?” even after her astronaut phase, e.t. had been a comforting classic that he’d been kind enough to go watch with her in theaters. he doesn’t miss the fraction of a smile that graces her lips, nor does he miss the way her eyes light up. he’s quick to get out of his seat, walking over to her side and helping her out in his common, gentlemanly manner. he leads her into the building, ducking his head as he walks in.

immediately, he greets the two clerks, both of whom had been obviously goofing off just a few seconds earlier. there’s no one in there except the four of them, and he’s already striking up a conversation with them. for a moment, she zones out, looking around at the lined shelves of movie rentals.

“- and this is my friend-” he gestured to her, and then individually pointed out the two clerks, introducing them to her. they both smile widely at her, and she’s a little confused. she wasn’t used to positive reactions to her - and she knew that at least the blonde, robin, knew about her, as they shared a history class together.

nonetheless, the girl didn’t say anything, didn’t give any backhanded compliments, didn’t have any look of judgement that was present in her eyes.

“anything you guys’re looking for in particular?” eddie nods, placing his fists lightly on the counter as he tapped it along to the song playing over the speakers in the ceiling.

“yeah, can we rent e.t.? and, oh, do you guys have any suggestions for space or sci-fi movies?” as steve rung up his first request, robin began listing off movies like she was an encyclopedia. as she wrapped up, eddie looked back at her.

“whad’ya wanna watch? i’m personally leaning towards star wars, you watched it before?” she doesn’t say anything, shaking her head. the first movie had always been on her list, but she’d been just a little too young to watch it when it’d come out, “alright, we’ll take a new hope too.” robin nods happily, grabbing a copy.

soon, the two of them were back comfortably in the two front seats of his van, with her holding the two rentals and his hands on the wheel. at least she’s smiling now, even though she’s not saying much, and eddie feels like it’s been a success so far.

he takes her back to his place, knowing wayne won’t be coming back until the afternoon on the next day. he, once again, opens the door for her and helps her out of his car, and similarly helps her into his house.

not much has changed since the last time she was there, nearly 4 years ago. there’s still very basic - yet homey - decorations on the walls, and the kitchen and living room look the same. eddie’s room’s door is slightly ajar, and the multitude of rock band posters were still on his walls, though they were slightly more dusty now, and they were peeling at the corners.

he offered her a drink, which she declined, before lowering down to his haunches in front of the chunky t.v. box in front of the couch. she stands, rather awkwardly, at the front entrance, while he sets up the movie. finally, noticing her lack of movement, he’s quick to usher her in, offering her a drink on her way to the couch.

“no, i’m - uh, that’s alright.” shrugging, he nods, letting her find a semi-comfortable seat on the end of the couch and, realizing her hesitation, he sits down a small distance from her, propping his feet on the table in front of them and his elbow on the arm rest. he presses the on switch for the remote, and, in just a few moments, the opening scenes of e.t. start playing. he looks at her out of the corner of his eyes.

she’s got a bright smile on her face and, in that moment, she looked just like his old friend.

it hadn’t been too late when they’d finally finished the movie and, for the first half of it, they’d both been eerily quiet - her enjoying the movie and him being too worried about saying something to take her out of that joy. then, midway through, she’d let an off-handed comment slip about one of the events and, soon, they were maintaining a semi-frequent dialogue about their opinions on the actions, characters or special effects - the both of them occasionally gasping at or scolding character’s actions in unison. it made her chuckle, and that made him laugh along with her.

now, though, she felt her eyes prickle lightly from a new - yet lesser - wave of tears that overtook her as she remembered the ending they’d just watched. sure, she’d watched the movie tens of times before, but that didn’t stop her from choking up as the extraterrestrial said goodbye.

a thin white object appeared in front of her and, through he blurry eyes, she couldn’t exactly tell what it was. she took it off eddie - who was trying to hand it to her - anyways, and realized that it was a tissue.

“oh my god,” she grins, but the act of her closing her eyes makes her tear slip, and she can hear eddie chuckle slightly as she used the tissue to dab at the corners of her eyes.

“hey, at least you’re better than last time.” by last time, he was referring to when she’d bawled her eyes out in the middle of the theater, clutching his shoulder tightly to find some grounding in her misery. she didn’t know why she was so keen to watch movies that made her cry, but - then again - a lot of movies made her cry.

eddie didn’t think about it like that - he also knew that many movies made her laugh, made her excited, content, scared, or anxious. movies made her feel, and he was happy that he was bearing witness to that once more, as it reminded him of her all that time ago.

she went to reach for the next movie - as a silence had grown between them, and eddie also got up, offering her something to eat. she snorted at that, and he whipped his head around, confused by her reaction.

“i know we haven’t talked much, but i can guarantee you’re still a shit cook.” he scoffed in a playful indignance, waving his hand at her.

“hey, hey, hey! i make a mean tinned macaroni, i’ll have you know.”

“that’s not cooking! that’s just as bad as you saying you can fry an egg and call it a meal.” it’d been something he said when she’d come to him, looking for support from her parents, and he had decided to make her some comfort food. it seemed like a fantastic idea until, of course, he realized he couldn’t cook. so, instead, he’d fried her an egg, plated it, and had sprinkled some pepper on and hoped for the best.

she had loved it. of course, she teased him to hell and back for the lack of a meal in his meal, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t appreciated the effort.

she’s rolling her eyes at the memory as she’s coming down from her giggle, and she looks to see eddie smiling fondly at her. she couldn’t hold his gaze - knowing exactly why he had a look of familiarity in his eyes, and she didn’t want to address it. luckily - or maybe unluckily for her, he did.

“we don’t talk much anymore, huh?” he said it like it was a recent revelation. it was not, “why don’t we?” she didn’t look at him, finding herself more invested in the threads of her skirt.

“i - um, i don’t know why, ed.” that was a nickname she hadn’t used in a while, and it made him want to turn back time - to get back those years that he’d spent without her. after a moment, he moved closer to her: close enough to take her hand in his; close enough to pull her chin to look at him. her eyes were so pretty - so bright, so hopeful and so playful - but the deep sadness in them caused an overcast on his heart.

“i - i liked talking to you.” he sighed, unsure of a poetic way to say it, “i wish i could just do it more.” sure - it was direct, but it got his point across. she gulped, suddenly breaking away from him.

“no - no you don’t.” he looked at her retraction in shock.

“why not?” she looked ready to pack up and leave, but he found himself unable to understand if he’d done anything to provoke it.

“i - i’m not the kind of person you wanna be friends with. i’m - i’m too fucked up.” the last sentence is a whisper and, for a moment he can’t process it.

“you - what’re you talking about?” she crossed her arms over her chest, suddenly wildly self-conscious of the attire she’d chosen for her job.

“i’m - god, eddie - i can’t do this. i need to go home, i’m sorry.” she’d started taking her things, and he restrains himself from trying to stop her. before she reached the door, though, he spoke again.

“will you at least tell me why?” she looked at him with a pained gaze. she looked at the mess of hair in his head that she wanted to pet, she looked at the big doe eyes she could sink into, she looked at the full lips that she wanted to kiss so badly.

“i - i can’t be your friend.” her voice cracked, and she looked away, the bubble from earlier bursting and a tear falling down her cheek. he sprang up, careful not to come to close to her, but heartbroken to see her cry.

“oh, god - please don’t cry. look, i don’t - fuck, how do i say this - i don’t want to be your friend.” it sounded harsh, and he realizes it through her look of incredulity, “i - i mean, i don’t want to be just friends.” she blinks up at him, the saline in her eyes being slowly replaced by confusion.

“ed? i don’t-”

“fuck, look. just, you’re so pretty, and you’re funny, and hard-working - you have great taste in music and movies and you can be a little stubborn sometimes but - but goddamn. i like you.” the confession leaves her mouth ajar, as his face drops, hair covering his concerned eyes as he shook his head at his own stupidity, “fuck, i shouldn’t have said that, i’m sorry, i -”

“’re you serious, ed?” she looks at him with earnest - and he interprets - hope.

“as a heart attack.” it’s a whisper, as he’s anticipating her response.

“i - i don’t think you’re being serious.” she can’t believe him.

“why not?”

“because i don’t deserve that, i don’t deserve you.” it’s rushed, like it’s a sudden revelation, but the incredulity of the statement makes eddie tentatively approach her. He held out a hand slowly, and he threads his fingers through hers, until he finds a comfortable hold on her palm. he brushed a stray strand of hair out of her face, before smiling a wide, genuine smile at her.

“can i kiss you?” she looked at his eyes, and at his lips, and she nods - and he leans down to find her lips with his. hers are a little chapped, a byproduct of the cold weather, and she’s got a distinct cherry lip gloss on, the red on it smearing on his own lips and skin. she breaks away from his face, but not his body, her other hand clutching tightly at his forearm, as if it would be detrimental for her to let go.

“you can’t kiss me like that.” it’s almost playful, her sentence, but there’s a serious undertone to it. he looks at her in worry, scared he’d taken it too far, before she clarifies, “i’m the whore of hawkins high, nobody should kiss me like that.” he felt a deep sadness at her diminishing words.

“you - god, you are not a whore.” she laughs at the attempt to cheer her up, but he doesn’t let that falter him, “do you want to keep doing this?” he gestures to her outfit. she thinks about it for a moment.

“no. but, ed - i can’t pay the bills-”

“we’ll figure it out.”

“ed, you can’t just say-”

“i’m being serious. we’ll work something out. we’ll find jobs - i’ll find a job, and then we’ll get out of this hellhole. you and me.”

“just like old times?”

“just like ‘em.” she goes silent for a moment, pondering the idea. finally, she nods lightly, and he sighs in content.

“can you kiss me like that again?” she whispers it, and he obliges, kissing her with the fervor of passion.

it made her feel beautiful, feel elated, feel loved. it made her feel like she was wandering the moon and the stars.

it made her feel like a fairy princess.

Blog Updates: New Patreon Stretch Goals, Patreon Exclusive Reviews, New Story Arcs and Other Stuff

MHello everyone. For those of you seeing this through other tags my name is Jake. I do reviews on here that are usually full sumaries of an episode of a tv show or comic, with jokes and analsyis throughout. I’m doing this post as i’ve recently revamped by patreon a bit, check out VIA THIS LINK if your curious. I also have some other stuff going on with the blog that I thought might intrest the general public and especially you lovely followers. Thank you guys so much. Your support means a lot and feel free to interact with this post and any of the reviews. it’s always a pleasure. Leave your comments whatever. So let’s start with the patreon stuff

You Decide the Next Patreon Exclusive Review!: 

Yes YOU will decide the Patreon Exclusive review for May. How? It’s simple: i’m currently reviewing the Lilo and Stitch crossover episodes, the first two this week with the American Dragon Jake Long crossover “Morpholomew” done yesterday, the Proud Family episode “Spats” coming later this week, and “Rufus” (Kim Possible) and “Lax” (Recess) coming next week and the week after that respectively. 

As a way to gage intrest in the shows crossed over, and if I should review some of them on their own, i’m going to be watching the notes, and after the first week i’ll record how many a review got. This way the first review dosen’t get an advantage over the last and so on. Whichever episode gets the most votes wins and it’s show will get two reviews: One exclusive to Patreon in may you can check out for just a buck, and one for all of ya in June. So if you want to dragon up, get louder and prouder, check out what the sitch is, or have some recess, keep an eye on my blog and check out the review. Like it reblog, it, both. This is all in your hands. And if this little contest works out I may do another one like it in the future. 

New Patreon Stretch Goals!:

For those unfamiliar with Patreon it’s a site that helps creators like me get paid for their work, used by such luminaries as Linkara, Pushing Up Roses and greatest of all Rifftrax. 

Stretch Goals are an amount of money I get a month from patreons, that’s readers like you paying me. Even a buck a month would help a lot and help me put out a reviews and LIVE off doing this. But it’s a two way street so in order to entice you lovely people into paying me for doing my job and my passion with these reviews, i’ve updated the tiers, adding a wider and better range of rewards. I’m currenntly up to 15 dollars a month, or close enough that i’ve acitivated those rewards. And if you help me hit these tiers EVEYRONE gets PUBLIC, on here, for free reviews. Thanks to my lovely patreons Emma and Kevin you all are getting reviews of the first 5 Ducktales episode, aka Legend of the Golden Suns, with the second coming as soon as I finish this post. Even a buck helps us reach closer and for your dollar you get access to the discord, exclusive reviews, and to pick a short any time I review a bunch of shorts. And with Goofy’s birthday coming up next montha nd Donald’s after that, now is the best time for that. 5 dollar patreons also get one review as month, with 10 dollar ones getting two. You’ve already probably seen some of these: Kev has used one of his a month to have me review a house of mouse episode every month, and newest patreon and longtime friend Emma is using them to have me review the netflix dr. seuss adaptation “Green Eggs and Ham”. So whatever YOU want me to review I will and you’l lhelp unlock even MORE great reviews. So what do you get if you hit the goals? I’m glad you asked. 

We’re up to 15 so next is...

20 Dollar Tier:  Ducktales 87 Season 2 Mini Series!: Yes indeedy. Already on the Docket was the Super Ducktales Arc, which introducices the OG GIZMODUCCCKKKKK. But since that apparenlty wasn’t enough i’ve also added the OTHER mini series. While i’ll do super first since that’s the one with higher fan intrest once tha’ts done i’ll also review Time is Money, the time travel arc bringing in everyone’s faviroite scrappy Bubba. So if you want a buncha cruncha retro Ducktales pony up. But that’s not all the disney afternoon I got for this tier. 

A Darkwing Duck Episode A MOnth: This one has also been promoted every time I could and still stands. If you like that mind behind the shadow disguise, that daring duck of mystery, that champion of right, then you’ll get one review a month about him, as voted on by you patreons. 

Danny Phantom: The Ultimate Enemy: And since neither of these have helped me so far and stepping back into Amity Park made me realize how much I love the series, even if it’s creator is a 80 tons of smug asshole packed into a t-shirt he thinks is cooler than it is. So it only felt right to add  the ghost boy to the tier and the best way to kick that off is with it’s second best, and only barely second behind Reign Storm, episode: The Ultimate Enemy! Danny finds his future is imperfect and must battle his own evil self! If you want my thoughts on one of the series finest hours, then help me hit 20 bucks a month to keep making content. 

25 Dollar Tier: 

I removed the Tail Spin content, though rest assured I will be covering Plunder and Lightning sometime this year. But what I replaced it with is even better. 

One Danny Phantom Review a Month: YOu like teen superheros? you like ghosts? you like me slagigng off about butch hartman and trying to make it crystal clear his creation dosen’t wholly belong to him? Then you’ll like me reviewing Danny Phantom. And while i’m already doing that, this goal gaurantees one episode a month, and said episode will be voted on by my patreons. So if you pay for this you’ll not only get your monthly dose of going ghost.. but you’ll get a chance to PICK what it is. 

Disney Shows To Movies Trilogy : I’ve decided to make it a tradition for my 15 dollar stretch goals to do a bunch of disney movies. And like with my last batch, which you’ll be seeing in may, i’m doing tv shows that got their own movies, theatrical or otherwise. And this time we’re doing MY generatoin: Kim Possible: So The Drama, the best story in the show’s histroy and the best movie in the Disney Channels! Recess: Schools Out! The suprisingly bonkers unsurprisingly awesome finale to an awesome show! and The Proud Family Movie, another UTTERLY BATSHIT finish to a great show.  Lost at Sea and Seconds: This one’s for my scottaholics, fourth part of my Scott Pilgrim retrospective coming this week!. If you like me taking a look at Scott’s quest to punch the fuck out of his girlfriends exes while growing up a little, then if you help me get to the 30 dollar tier, i’ll also take a look at O’Malley’s other graphic novels Lost at Sea, which follows a girl who lost her soul and her boyfriend on a trip with what may be Young Neil’s older sister, and Seconds, the story of a woman with issues growing up who finds the ablitlity to travel through time.. or is it space? And some of you savvier readers my know he has nother comic. Where’s that one? wellllll

30 Dollar Tier:

Snotgirl: I’m saving this one for this tier. Reviews of each collected volume of snotgirl, Bryan’s first ongoing series, all three so far and any more to come about, unsuprisingly, a  hot mess of a person, this time who might’ve done a murder. You know instead of defintely did a murder but in self defnese and with a longsword. 

Gravity Falls Season 1!: One of Disney’s finest finally on this blog. All season 1 episodes reviewed in some way in some shape in some form.  Star Vs Finale Arc!: You’ve heard me bitch about the problems in Tom’s story, and wil lcontinue to. Now see the terrible way everyone elses ends! From an amazing build up to an awful finish, see reviews of Every story relevant season 4 episode from Butterfly Follies to Cleaved that won’t already be covered in my tom retrospective. It’s a road to crushing disapointment, come on inside! 

35 Dollar Tier:  More Disney TV Adaptations!: Doug’s First Movie! See Doug get really fucking weird in his sea monster based movie with a punch line of a name! Teachers Pet, a great movie out of a show I barely saw! Kim Possible Live action! it’s suprisingly okay! and Recess Taking the Fifth: a compliation movie for a season we sadly never got. 

Gravity Falls Season 2: Buillding on the first reward Gravity Falls Reviews will go beyond the first season and finish the job. From zombies, to dipcifica, to ford to weirdmageddon, I’m doin it all. 

40 Dollar Tier: 

Two HUGE Disney Focused Comics Retrospectives! 

Darkwing Duck: In addition to the show, i’ll start reviewing the awesome follow up comic that got me into it. From the start to both finishes: the unathorized crossover finale and the sadly short lived sequel series from joe books, the worst mistake disney ever made that wasn’t racist, before Artemis Fowl said hold my beer. Also the short lived Ducktlaes series because why not. 

The Incredibles!: The Family Dynamic! A comprehensive retrospective featuring reviews of the movie, the Mark Waid followup, the sequel that ignores said followup and the incomparable Christos Gage’s followup to THAT movie. Also that wonderfuly awful failed tv pilot bob made that he and lucius did a mst3k of. 

45 Dollar Tier: 

Disney Flims Lilo and Stitch a Thon: All four lilo and stitch movies, Lilo and Stitch, Lilo and Sitch 2, Stitch and Leroy and Stitch! All the hawaii, aliens and sequels you can handle!

Amphibia Season 1: I’ve done Season 2 as it comes out, i’ll be doing the same for season 3, so help me get here to see the start at least once a month, but two at a time!

50 Dollar Tier: The last one for now. I’ll probably go to 10 dollar tiers after this. 

The Owl House Season 1: While I wait for the second season to start so I can cover it, have me do the rest of season 1! The only exceptions are the already covered Enchanted Grom Fright and the earmarked for pride month wing it like witches!

The Two Loves and 87 Mistakes of Mordecai: A regular show romancetrospective, as we go through the downs, ups, higher ups and crushing lows of Modercai’s romantic arcs from regular show. His crush on margert, making his move, moving on, moving on to cj, and then the horrible cluster fuck I’ve talked about nonstop and will again and again as one of the worst romantic arcs in memory as they shot the relationship in the foot head and groin! Force me to relive it all!

So yeah I’ll add more tiers, again probably 10 dollars apart if I get to 50, but given I barely got to 15 i’m not optimistic. PROVE ME WRONG. HELP ME HIT 50. 

Other Stuff:

Finally outisde of Patreon, that was the main reason for this, I have news on my various arcs. For one thing i’ll be trying to keep the pace better, so expect at least one entry a month for ones i’m doing on my own time like the tom retrospective, life and times and Scott pilgrims. Ones kev does will be done weekly to keep my wallet afloat. 

I also have two more retrospectives incoming! The first is paid for by Kev: I’l lbe tackling ALL THREE SEASON 2 ARCS OF DUCKTALES 2017. After the headache of trying to cram the della arc into three weeks to keep up with the lena one, I decided i’td be better for pacing if I did all three at once and kev agreed to it, if using his patreon reviews to cushion the blows. So starting next month i’ll be covering the Louie, Della and Glomgold/Owlson arcs, swapping between them in episode order. With that I should be FAR closer to having covered every ducktales episode. Granted i’ll still have 17 to cover, but it’ll make that much more managable. 

The second comes in June specifically timed for Pride Month. With Scott Pilgrim Wrapping up in August just in time for the movie’s anniversary, I decided to start covering another one of my faviorite comics of all time. It’s time to transform, roll out and make this precoius it’s Transformers More than Meets the Eye! For those of you unfamiliar it’s an idw comic that follows a rag tag group of transformers, about half of them gay or gay coded, on a mission to find the lost knights of cybertron and bring ballance to a post war cybertron.. which quickly devloves into hyjinnks with a side order of heartrending deaths and charcter development... and references to dexy’s midnight runners. 

So that’s all for now. thank you for reading, please support my patreon as the next pay term is at the start of next month, so if you want me to start on any of those stretch goals, nows the time. Please help me earn a living and until all are one, i’ll see you at the next rainbow. 

I won’t ask for much (but just this once, I’d like you) 1/10

I’ve held out for a while now, thinking it’d be silly to post this here after finishing edits to this on AO3 back in February (and having an older version of this already up at the FC5 Holiday Exchange), but I think the only thing that was being silly was me. Because extra edits were badly needed, I’d love to add this to my FC5 masterlist, and to anyone that read the original and powered through the whole thing in one go back in December? Kudos to you, because it was always meant to be posted chapter by chapter here instead.

So, without further adieu, here’s Ch. 1 of 10 of the romantic comedy I didn’t plan on writing for them, but am very glad I did. ...Just with 100% more accidental arson and singing fish involved.

And also, many, many thanks to @finefeatheredgamer​ for being the lovely person to prompt this over at the Exchange to begin with. <3

Pairing: Sharky Boshaw x John Seed Rating: E (but only for Ch. 10, the rest are a solid T) Word Count: 4.1K 

Link to AO3!

Ch. 1 / Ch. 2 / Ch. 3 / Ch. 4 / Ch. 5 / Ch. 6 / Ch. 7 / Ch. 8 / Ch. 9 / Ch. 10

---

Sharky steals a boat. It just happens to be John’s boat, and when it’s damaged along with his boathouse, John proceeds to lay out a means of having Sharky pay him back. [No Cult AU]

-----------

Hurk was his bro. His blood. One hell of a stand up guy, and the person Sharky knew would have his back no matter what.

The one he could depend on no matter what for damn near anything, and the only one right now that he could say to, with his whole heart, “I love you, man, but you can piss up a fucking rope” for getting him into his mess to begin with.

And okay, maybe he was being a bit harsh about it. And maybe he’d wanted the excuse to do it to begin with, but Hurk had dangled the opportunity so perfectly in front of him. Framed it so beautifully, there was no way he was going to say no to it, no matter what.

Especially not with both drinks and two smoking hot women involved. He’d hit a real dry spell, and the temptation to get lucky hit hard.

So, when beers at the Spread Eagle turned into beers down by the river, Sharky had agreed immediately. And when beers at the river turned into the possibility of beers on the river, he’d agreed to that too.

But he didn’t have a boat. Hurk didn’t either.

Maybe they could’ve winged it by borrowing one from the Marina. They would’ve been skinned alive the next morning after his aunt found out about it, but after mulling it over for a few, Hurk had a better idea.

In his words, a better, sexier idea. 'Cause nothing said sexy like a little speedboat ride and some roguish repatriation. Also Hurk’s words, though Sharky was sure on some level that wasn’t supposed to be pronounced like that either.

John had a boat.

John Seed had both a boat and a boathouse. Rich assholes like that always wanted to flash their cash in the most high-profile ways possible, and for whatever reason having his own personal goddamn plane wasn’t enough. He had to have a boat too.

Surely he wouldn’t miss it for a night. And Hurk’s promise to slip him two-hundred bucks on top of that? Really just made the idea all the sweeter.

Things sped up after that. Blurred and blended into the kinds of things he’d see in an action movie, what with him being the sexy hero going behind enemy lines as a means of infiltrating it – and he’d even streaked some mud across his face to seal it.

But somewhere between snagging the fancy speedboat, riding it out, and getting not one but two kisses of gratitude, he’d let himself get sloppy. And on the way back afterwards, with more beers under his belt, and a decent hard on from some over the clothes action, he’d misjudged a few things.

Not the least of which involved just how close of a fit it was to park and settle the boat. It was a square peg meant for a square hole, but he couldn’t see it that way. Not right now, especially not while belting out words to what he’d think a collab between ABBA and the Bee Gees would sound like.

That’s where things blurred again. Grew unclear and muddied as he tried to keep the boat steady. His head pounded as he misjudged the distance - or was it speed? Both were likely - of his approach, as he leapt into action again, this time wondering if his call to Willis his way out was the right one.

Cold water rushed up to meet him, knocking sense into him just long enough to start paddling, but he bobbed down low. Felt things go black, as like an idiot he gulped down a lung and a half full of water as he fought against it.

That’s when he felt hands grab him. A force dragging him up and out of the cold only for the ground to rush up and smack him in the face.

Hacking it out, he blinked down at the pebbles underneath his hands, his face all but numb at this point as water continued to dribble out of his mouth. That had been close. All too close, he’d realized, still sloshed, but aware enough of the person crouching next to him.

So, he babbled out what he hoped was thanks. Followed it up with more thanks after that, and when he flipped over to maybe even throw a hug or a hearty handshake their way, he froze.

Because he wasn’t ready for the kind of cold fury waiting for him. He also wasn’t ready for John Seed to be the one wearing it either; the kind that he was sure meant he was about to be murdered on the spot.

In that moment, not even two-hundred dollars richer for it, he knew he’d fucked up, but as to how much? He couldn’t say. That was for the morning to tell him, provided he’d make it there.

And right now his odds weren’t looking all that great.

---

Pounding. Endless pounding went off, shaking him out of the comfortable space he’d settled into.

The sound echoed again, making him shift around to muffle it. Pulling the blanket around him, he sighed at the silence only to tense when it was broken again.

“Motherfucking balls, man,” Sharky groaned.

So, he wasn’t dead, just felt like it. That he wasn’t, was a relief as he pried his eyes open. The pulsing, pounding pressure building in his head, not so much. Crawling over to the bed’s edge, he pushed himself up and nearly tumbled to the floor.

Knocking. That’s what the sound was.

Leaving his room, he dragged his feet as he walked over to the door, and jumped when his foot came into contact with something ice cold. Not bothering to check, he shook it off, swearing loudly only to notice it was a pair of jeans. Damp, and just as wet as the hoodie draped over the kitchen table.

When had he- Pointing at it, then at the jeans, he scratched at his head as he stood in the kitchen. Skinny dipping gone wrong, maybe? Gone right? He’d have company if that were the case, but it didn’t stop him from hoping.

He raised an eyebrow, only to start when the knocking began again. “Hold your fucking horses! Seriously, I’m coming.”

Dragging on a nearby pair of pants, he popped his head up in front of the peephole and took a look.

It was John.

John Seed.

That couldn’t have been right. He rubbed at his eyes and peered through again. “The fuck?”

Nope, John was still there, arms crossed as he waited, and he checked his watch before going for the door. Knocking with a heavy hand, the door was almost rattling, and Sharky stepped back.

Something was up. Something that he couldn’t remember right off the bat, and if it put John of all people on his doorstep, it had to be serious.

But he hadn’t pissed off anyone bad enough to put a lawyer on his porch. Or had he? Maybe the F.A.N.G. Center was finally sick of taking his calls and decided to slap him for it. Or hell, his Moonflower disco party never had that many admirers. That could’ve gone south too.

Not remembering sucked, but it was a Tuesday. Probably found a way to piss off somebody in the county without even trying that much.

Yanking the door open, he regarded the man waiting on the other side with a bleary look. It was bright outside, the clear blue of the sky hurting his eyes as he blinked against it, and felt his headache start to pulse as he narrowed his eyes into a squint.

“Charlemagne Victor Boshaw.” The smile John wore was cold as he stared him down. “I’m sure you know why I’m here.”

He scratched his head, scrubbing a hand through his hair as he waited for John to continue. When he didn’t, and was actually seeming to want some kind of feedback from him, he grunted out a short, “Maybe. Maybe not.”

“Well, I was afraid of that. Considering how impaired you were late last night, and considering the great lengths I had to go to keep you from drowning on my property, it seems it’s up to me to enlighten you on what exactly happened.”

Drowning?

He did remember water. Coughing out enough to make him feel a little sick on recalling it. The part before that, when he was whooping it up, and kissing the hell out of his date, was a lot nicer to focus on, and he let his eyes slip shut as he leaned against the doorframe.

Yeah, that was much better. Better than the light searing into his eyes, and better than the asshole camped out on his doorstep.

“Boshaw.”

He cracked open an eye. Squinted right at John’s pinched, irritated face, and considered closing the door on him. “What?”

“You don’t understand the true extent of any of this, do you?”

“Nah, that’s what the whole enlightening thing’s for. Shit, Johnson, where the hell have you been?” he threw out, hating how the pounding in his head was only intensifying. “So if you could get the hell on with it, I could go back to spending my day how I want to. In bed, curled up and doing nothing, not out here listening to you tell me how I…” Sharky let the words trail off. “How I what now?”

“How you owe me,” John hissed, baring his teeth as the temperature in his tone dropped ten degrees and counting. “You. Owe. Me. For a boat. For a boathouse, and for an assortment of damages all tying back to your little alcohol-soaked ride through my property.”

Saying each word through clenched teeth, John paused, drew in a breath through his nose as he closed his eyes, then settled back into the same smile he’d initially greeted him with.

“Then when caught, you panicked, confessed, and forged an agreement with me to fix it. Is that ringing any bells now?”

-

“Look, look, look, I get it. This looks bad, right?” Sharky held up his hands, still coughing out leftover traces of water, and tried backing away from him. “Just let me say my piece, okay? Let me say it, and get it out there, and we can go back to-“

“Back to what?” John asked, his voice smooth as he stayed on him. “Back to the smoke? The fire? The wreck I bothered to drag you out of?”

“Yeah, yeah, all of that.”

“Oh, good. Because I’m still waiting. Still wondering why of all things, you haven’t given me a single reason at all not to do what anyone else would’ve already done in my position. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Tell me.”

“I, uh, I don’t know about-“

He snarled as he crossed the distance between them. “Tell me!”

-

Sharky paled.

Some of it was coming back in batches, none of it painting a good picture at all. And the longer he focused in on that period of time, the more he felt inclined to drop everything and book it towards the woods. At least then he’d have some kind of a fighting chance. John didn’t look like a runner, but if he did head after him he’d make sure to wing him with a branch or two along the way.

He wet his lips, and let out a long breath. “Okay, so say I did.”

“You did.”

“Okay, so…say I did all of it.”

“You did!” John repeated, his voice rising. “How can I make this any clearer to you? We are here to talk recompense. What you rightfully owe me for, and more importantly, what you’ve promised given the alternative. Or should I repeat myself, yet again, but this time using language that you’re guaranteed to understand?”

Now, Sharky had tried to ignore it before. Maybe even give him the benefit of the doubt, but he’d put up with his fair share of people talking down to him like an idiot, and like hell was John going to get in a shot as well.

“Yo, I was trying to be civil here. Civil and about as respectful as I can get seeing as I’m here, wearing actual pants, and listening to you spouting nothing but shit at me. And I get it! Something was broken that shouldn’t have been taken to begin with, but you’re talking deals that I don’t remember agreeing to, and I don’t like being told I’m a fucking moron on top of that!”

“Fine.” John pursed his lips, losing some of his anger, but not all of it. “You’ve made your point, and…maybe I did speak out of line.”

”You did. No maybes there, dude.”

“But that still doesn’t settle any of the business between us. So, here’s my offer. What I outlined to you last night, and to which you enthusiastically agreed to.”

Sharky bit back the knee-jerk response that he wanted to give, and crossed his arms. “So? Spit it out.”

“You will repair it. Rebuild the damaged boathouse with materials I will supply you with, and under my supervision. This will ensure that the work will be completed, done to my standards and specifications, and to also ensure no further damage will be done.”

“Your standards?”

“That’s correct,” John said, with a glint in his eye. “If it’s not to the quality I ask for, you will tear it down and start over. From scratch.”

“Hey, now. You back it the fuck up, 'cause last time I checked you’re not the fucking boss of me.”

“On the contrary. Yes, I am,” John replied, holding up his cell phone. “And If you don’t want any of this getting back to the local authorities, you will take this deal. Now listen closely, because there will be no second offer, and I’m already being generous.”

Keeping as calm as he possibly could, the voice on the phone outlined this in painstaking detail. Too much detail for a drunk man to take in and consider, but just enough for it to be played back to him while sober.

Including the last detail. One that had John’s expression settle into that of pure satisfaction.

“And you agree to do this? To-“

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, I’ll do it. Whatever you want, building this shit up, building another big-ass boat to cart both you and your bullshit to fucking Aruba, I’ll do it. Just don’t send me to jail, man. Me and the po-po just don’t mix, and…shit, I’ll do anything.”

“Anything,” John repeated, ending the recording. “And looking at the damages done, the cost to avoid a sentence can be upwards of fifty-thousand dollars. That’s no small fee to have to shoulder, and unless you have that to give me, I think you’re better off taking this.”

He was fucked. Fucked beyond question, all because he’d had the piss-poor sense to believe Hurk’s boast that Sharky could commit Grand Theft Boat while sloshed just past his maximum.

Leading to the current dilemma.

Not wanting to go to jail was always at the top of his list. So was having the ability to light shit on fire. Going to jail interfered with both of those things directly, and as much as he could fight or run from it, John had two big things going for him.

One, he was a lawyer.

Two, he had money.

If he wanted to sink him, he’d send him straight down to the bottom of the ocean’s largest, deepest trench without any hesitation.

Clenching his teeth, then unclenching them, the smile he gave him was more of a grimace. “Uh, so…about that whole helping shit.”

“Let’s establish some ground rules, shall we?”

John raised his chin as he gestured towards the door, and Sharky groaned. Stepping to the side to let him in, John stalked on past, and he nearly fell off the front step.

He was going to need a cigarette.

Lots of them.

---

“This should be simple. Straightforward,” John told him as Sharky sat across from him with a cigarette and a roaring headache.

He was to be on the property two times a week.

Each time he would text him in advance making sure that John was available first, then once the time was agreed on, would expect him there promptly.

No work would be done alone. He would pick John up, then take him down to the boathouse to supervise. From there, he would work – some bare minimum that John rattled off, and he half-tuned out – and would drive John back up before heading out for the day.

And then would repeat it again, and again, and again until John was satisfied.

“So, as I said, simple. Easy enough for anyone to follow,” John stated, folding his hands in front of him on the table.

Already on cigarette number two, Sharky let his head sink into his hand. Passed on enough of a response to satisfy John for now, and had to agree to an actual starting date to even get him out of the door.

He was on cigarette number five when he called up Hurk. Spent a good ten minutes trying to get some kind of answers out of him about the rest of the night while also yelling about the shit he’d royally stepped in by messing with John to begin with.

But Hurk talked him down. Helped him to see this for what it was.

One, not a jail sentence. He could still get out of this, even if it looked like John had all but boxed him into doing a shit-ton of labor for free.

Two, he’d done enough odd jobs to be able to swing this. Had built and burnt down a million sheds in his lifetime, so what was building another one going to hurt?

And three, if all else failed, Hurk was set and ready to see about lighting up another part of John’s place just to give him a means of escape. What was a bro if not the kind ready to throw himself into the line of danger so his cousin could exit stage left?

He could give him that. Even if more fire wasn’t the solution to the problem for once. Much as he needed it, and loved it, it wasn’t going to get him out of this.

Sighing heavily, he let Hurk go and went back to bed.

The next day, however, he pulled his shit together and readied himself for what was going to be the beginning of a very long and painful process.

John’s specific list of guidelines chafed bad, like a pair of jeans that were just the wrong side of too tight, but he couldn’t take them off or return them. He just had to deal, and hope that sitting down or bending over wouldn’t lead to the kind of blowout he’d get run out or yelled at over.

So, he played by the rules. Hated every second of it as he jabbed at his phone and gave John the shortest messages he could manage. Then picked him up and tried to grin and bear it as John tapped at his watch while giving his ride the hairy eyeball, and Sharky proceeded to take them both down to the boathouse.

Seeing it during the day painted the whole thing in a different light. From what he’d relayed to Hurk in a delirious call the night of the accident there had been a whole hell of a lot of smoke and fire. Boatloads - pun intended - as he took in the charred shell of the building.

Guess that extra fuel Hurk told him he’d jacked but didn’t toss did more harm than good. Who knew what he’d planned on using it for, but he was lucky he hadn’t been toast himself.

That did mean his work was cut out for him, however. Tearing the whole thing down and rebuilding it was going to be a pain, and John guided him over to the picnic table nearby to go over the blueprints he’d brought from his house.

Spread out, he followed the dimensions outlined, and where he would need to start once the foundation was set. Saw it broken down into smaller pieces, smaller sections, and having it all stripped down like this helped him see it for what it was. Doable, and not even half as complicated as he thought it’d be. Yeah, it was going to be intense, but wouldn’t be impossible.

Now, his version of things allowed for some leeway. That would help to speed things up along the way, but that was where John came in. He said that there would be no ‘cutting corners’ and ‘eyeballing it’ like he was sure Sharky might do.

“This requires care. Precision. Delicacy.”

John kept on going, rattling off a few more things he was in need of here, and Sharky barely held off from pretending to jerk off in the middle of it. But John eventually cut him loose, telling him to get a feel for the area, and pointed him towards the boathouse.

It had been calling to him, in a way, and he let curiosity finally guide him there.

Walking inside, Sharky let out a low whistle.

He’d done a real number on it. Sidestepping the remains of the support beam overhead, he peeked up at the blue sky above him, and took in the blackened wood and ruined equipment. Trying to play guess who with the burned odds and ends was looking to be a game for another day, but while some parts of the building were well past trashed, other items were surprisingly okay.

Like the photographs hanging on the walls.

Both focused on nature – and he liked nature shit; skulls, antlers, pictures, the whole nine yards – but the fish on display didn’t look like they’d been caught. Not by John, or by any of his family, and they felt more out of place than anything else.

At least that’s what he thought until he turned, and saw it. Saw the big, beautiful, borderline majestic fish hanging on the wall, and burst out laughing.

He was still laughing when John finally joined him. “What could be so-“ John’s voice trailed off, and the resigned groan that followed only made him laugh harder.

Swiping at his eyes to wipe the tears away, Sharky framed the singing fish with his hands. “Big Mouth Billy is hanging right on your wall. Here. On your wall.”

“And?”

“And? Dude, that’s like the best shit ever! I haven’t seen one of these since I was like, this tall,” Sharky said, holding his hand to his knee. “Like, I thought they’d stopped selling them.”

“They should’ve.”

“But they didn’t, and that’s pretty damn great if I may say so myself. You’ve gotta tell me who gave you this to begin with. Broseph?”

John sighed, his mouth twisting as he remained silent.

“Ol’ Jake-n-bake then? Dude’s pretty serious, but maybe he gave you this to be nice. Or funny. Shit, maybe both.”

“You had it right the first time,” he admitted, eyeing first him, then it with distaste.

Joseph Seed’s doing? The thought of that made a wide grin break out on his face. “Well, shit. Guess I need to thank him then. Otherwise, I think it’d get pretty lonely out here.”

“What?”

“Well, you’re not gonna sit there and talk my ear off the whole time, so I was thinking I’d need to start talking to myself just to make shit interesting, but Bill here’ll be a fucking hoot once you get him started.”

The offended look that crossed John’s face shifted straight to horror when Sharky waved his hand in front of the fish’s sensor. To his delight, it sprang to life, singing enthusiastically, and when Sharky joined in, John visibly clenched his teeth.

“Still works too! Come on, it’s catchy.”

Picking up on the tune only to mangle it further, John kept on staring at him the entire time. Through one full cycle of it as Sharky snapped his fingers, through a few of his claps, and through at least one hop.

Still, nothing. “Seriously? Feeling none of the magic of that little guy?” Sharky shook his head, giving him a disappointed glance. “Shit, better go one more round to be sure. Maybe that’ll help, and you can join in whenever you like.”

John turned on his heel and promptly left.

Eyeing the bass, he gave one of its fins a small fistbump, only to nearly knock it off of the wall.

Maybe he’d be able to get through this after all.

10 Things I Hate About You

Obligatory soundtrack 

1) The late 90s/early 00s were filled with contemporary adaptations of Shakespeare’s plays - Julia Stiles starred in three of those, coincidentally - but, in my opinion, none has been more iconic than 10 Things I Hate About You. It’s been over 20 years since the movie was released, and it’s certainly become a teen/rom-com classic. It’s definitely a feel-good movie, and even though it obviously had great source material to work with, it did so in such a unique and fun way. And it was kind of woke for its time, too.

Disclaimer: I am a bit afraid this whole review will turn into me taking screenshots of the movie and just writing “iconic.” You’ve been fairly warned.

Anyway, let’s get into it!

3) I really love how they managed the “show, don’t tell” technique with Kat’s introduction. Her first scene really shows who she is – a jaded, kind of rebellious teenager, who marches to the beat of her own drum. Or to the beat of Joan Jett’s drum…

She’s shown as the opposite of the other girls, but it doesn’t feel like a criticism of the other girls' more cheerful, sunny disposition. We very quickly learn what she is like, but we have yet to find out why.

4) The next characters we meet are Cameron and the school’s guidance counselor. Cameron is the new student and the guidance counselor is just…

I love her. And Allison Janney proves how talented an actress she is by making the token counselor character both memorable and unique.

5) We also meet Patrick Verona, the resident Bad Boy who had “exposed himself” in the cafeteria. Oh, Heath Ledger, you are truly missed!

6) Michael Eckman  shows Cameron around and he basically delivers the token “school cliques scene”, and since I’m not American, I’ve always wondered if this is a real thing in schools? Like, are there really so many cliques that are so visually different from one another? Each group dressing in a particular style and hanging out at a specific spot? Anyhow, the cliques here are the beautiful people (or rather, the assholes), the coffee kids (?), the white Rastas (or white stoners), the cowboys (?), and the yuppies.

7) Michael’s tour gets cut short when Cameron spots Bianca, and he’s instantly infatuated with her. I’ve always found it hard to root for Cameron at first because I’m not really a fan of insta-love, and he ends up doing A LOT of shady things for a girl who he doesn’t know AT ALL. But more on that later. In fact, the movie kind of makes a point of how ridiculous it is for Cameron to be in instant-love with Bianca by having her deliver this little lecture on love:

BIANCA: Yeah, but see, there's a difference between like and love. Because I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpack.

CHASTITY: But I love my Skechers.

BIANCA: That's because you don't have a Prada backpack.

Bianca clearly grows a lot over the course of the movie, but it’s clear that Cameron was in love with her appearance and not her brains or personality, which makes his quest to sweep her off her feet misguided at best.

8) And then Michael presents the main plot point…

The question then is, how is Cameron going to get the girl? It’s his quest to get a date with Bianca that creates a domino effect that brings all the characters together. 

9) See what I mean? ICONIC!

And can I say that I just love Kat? Not only is she smart, but also, she didn’t take any bullshit from anyone, especially not males. She was a feminist before being a feminist was cool. And she does grow a lot. 

10) Okay, two things, A) I love Mr. Morgan, and B) foreshadowing? Sort of?

11) Iconic.

12) Michael seems to have a lot of preconceptions about Bianca – and most of them were kind of accurate, at least at the start of the film. She was kind of vapid and shallow and self-absorbed. For someone who believes that Bianca is not only completely out of Cameron’s league but also not worthy, he does get very involved in trying to get Bianca to date Cameron.

13) This is one of my favorite lines in the movie, probably because it sounds a lot like Buffyspeak…

14) This is so random…

And the movie does have a lot of these little moments of slapstick comedy that almost seem to belong to a different type of movie, but for some reason, they work?

15) And this reminds me of the Veronica Mars of yore, the one I used to love…

16) We meet Cat and Bianca’s dad, and he is very overbearing at first, but he truly grows on you once you understand where all his rules are coming from. And of course, he establishes The Rule, which sets off the movie’s shenanigans – Bianca cannot date unless Kate does.

17) Bianca does prove a lot of Michael’s preconceptions right during her interaction with Cameron, who asks her out on a date, and even though he has been tutoring her she can’t remember his name and after he reminds her of it, she calls him “Curtis.” Bianca very clearly sees in Cameron the solution to her dating problem, and she very obviously manipulates him when it’s clear she’s not interested in dating him. She’ll get him to do the dirty work, and then let Joey rip the rewards. On the one hand, this is wrong. On the other hand, Cameron sort of had it coming? He was only interested in Bianca because of her looks, and he was about to manipulate Kat with total disregard for her feelings, so...

18) So Michael and Cameron set out to find a match for scary Kat. And what do you know…?

They figure the only way to convince Patrick to date Kat is by paying him, except they don’t have any money. So they turn to Joey, who gladly agrees to invest if it means this will get her Bianca.

19) Patrick and Joey strike a deal, and let me tell you, this deal never made any sense to me? Like, after some bargaining Joey agrees to pay Patrick 50 dollars? And I might be daft but how would Patrick be making a profit here? If he took her out, he’d be spending most of that on the date, making the whole thing pointless if he’s not making a profit? And Joey was supposed to be loaded, so why not offer more than that, to begin with?

20) I really love how Patrick assumed all he’d need to do was say hello and Kat would be at his feet, and she gloriously turned him down and put him in his place. He tries again the next day and he gets turns down, again. And I can’t blame her, he was acting like an entitled douchebag and assuming she’d want to jump his bones only because he was hot and asking her to go out, like that’s all it’d take.

21) And Joey gets a little bit of what’s coming to him…

22) This leads to Kat getting into an argument with her dad, making a lot of valid points…

WALTER: Is this about Sarah Lawrence? Are you punishing me because I want you to stay close to home? KAT: Aren't you punishing me because Mom left? WALTER: You think you could leave her out of this? KAT: Fine. Then stop making my decisions for me. WALTER: I'm your father. That's my right. KAT: So what I want doesn't matter. WALTER: You're 18. You don't know what you want. And you won't know what you want till you're 45, and even if you get it, you'll be too old to use it. KAT: I want to go to an east coast school! I want you to trust me to make my own choices... and I want you to stop trying to control my life just because you can't control yours!

I can see both sides of this argument, though. He wasn’t punishing her because her mom left, I think he was just afraid they’ll get hurt again and that’s why he was so overprotective. And Kat had just crashed her car on purpose, so I really don’t understand how she managed to turn the whole thing against her father?

23) Patrick renegotiates the terms of his agreement with Joey, demanding a 100 bucks per date. He can’t have had getting something for Kat as his goal at this point, but I think he was just trying to screw Joey over as much as possible, which kudos to him.

24) Michael and Cameron approach Patrick and inform him that they’re actually the masterminds behind this date-Kat plan, and they agree to help him woo her. And I get that Kat was not the most agreeable person to begin with, but it’s still very disheartening to see that literally no one considered her feelings in this whole thing? Like, all of them were so proud they were playing Joey, but she was the one getting played the worst? And Bianca even allows Cameron to go inside Kat’s room and go through all her private things? Everyone was an asshole in this movie, is all I’m saying.

25)

26) And then…

Probably in spite of herself, he managed to get through her shell a little bit.

27) Bianca finally begs her sister to go to the party so that she can go, and what do you know? Kat does have a heart after all, and she agrees to show.

28) Which leads to…

29) Kat seems very happy to see Patrick at her door, although she quickly puts the bitch rest-face back on and pretends his keeping his word and coming to get her did not affect her at all…

30) So, now that she got to the party and gets to hang out with Joey, Bianca demands her sister do not address her in public, and I’m like, wtf?! Kat then begs her to listen, and again, Bianca shrugs her off and tells her to go off and “enjoy her adolescence”, which pisses Kat off and probably hurts her, too. So she decides to enjoy her adolescence the way everyone seems to do, getting trashed and embarrassing themselves.

31) Further evidence that Bianca was, indeed, an asshole… Cameron is the reason she got to go out at all – after he pulled off this elaborate plan to get her sister a date – and she manipulated him by feigning to be interested in him, and now…

But karma is a bitch because Joey might be the most popular boy in school – god knows why! – but he’s as dull as dishwater, and she quickly finds herself regretting her decision to brush Cameron off in favor of Joey.

32) Meanwhile, Kat is truly enjoying her adolescence…

And thank god Patrick was there to catch her because if he hadn’t, I don’t think anyone would’ve helped her.

33) I really love Patrick’s pep talk to Cameron…

CAMERON: It's off, okay? The whole thing's off. PATRICK: What are you talking about? CAMERON: She never wanted me. She wanted Joey the whole time. PATRICK: Cameron, do you like the girl? CAMERON: Yeah. PATRICK: And is she worth all this trouble? CAMERON: I thought she was, but, you know, l... PATRICK: Well, she is or she isn't. See, first of all, Joey is not half the man you are. Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.

34) And Patrick taking care of drunk Kat is the sweetest thing ever…

35) Of course, now that Bianca no longer wants to hang out with Joey and her friend leaves her high and dry, she asks Cameron for a ride home.

36) On the way home, Kat actually opens up to Patrick, a lot. She admits she’d love to play in a band, and that her father wants her to be someone she’s not – her sister. Patrick admits that he doesn’t really get what everyone sees in Bianca, and Kat delivers what’s probably the greatest compliment you could get from her…

She puts herself out there… and gets shut down. Of course, Patrick was probably feeling remorse about the way he’d gotten to know this girl and the way he’d been playing her because now that he’d gotten to know her a little bit better, he could see that behind that badass façade she was extremely vulnerable and sensitive. Kat feels rejected and humiliated, and who can blame her? He’d been relentlessly pursuing her, and now that she’d opened up to him and offered to kiss him, he’d turned her down…

Anyway, Patrick’s behavior, later on, makes no sense after the way he acted here, but more on that further below.

37) Cameron finally confronts Bianca about her manipulative behavior, and to her credit, she is honest and owns up to being selfish when he calls her on it. And I guess she finally sees he’s worth it…

38)

39) This exchange is so silly and hilarious?

Like, Cameron’s answer seems silly, but what type of answer was Patrick expecting? Where could she have possibly kissed him? On the knees?

40) Kat is clearly not yet over the rejection…

41) See what I mean about the jokes in this movie?

And they just look over and go on talking, as if she hadn’t just nailed her teacher on the ass with an arrow...

42) Joey goes to Patrick yet again and offers 200 dollars to get him to take Kat to the prom. Patrick tells him he’s sick of this game, and Joey ups the ante and offers him 300 dollars, which Patrick somewhat begrudgingly takes. I just would really like to know if it was at this point that he thought he’d used this dirty money to buy something for Kate. Otherwise, he was still being a jerk...

43) This scene just gives me butterflies, okay?

And as charming as he is, Kat is still not over the humiliation of putting herself out there and being rejected.

44) Cameron returns the favor and gives Patrick some very good advice, the reason for that glorious scene later on…

CAMERON: Look, you embarrassed the girl. Sacrifice yourself on the altar of dignity and even the score.

This gets Patrick thinking…

45) And I’m just going to add the video here because this whole scene is just rom-com perfection and bless Heath Ledger again, okay? And why didn’t we get more of him singing in everything he did? His voice just makes me feel things, okay?

Seriously, how do you say no to that boy asking you to let him love you? You don’t say no, that’s how.

Same, Kat. Hard same.

46) Kat goes into detention and distracts the coach while Patrick attempts to escape out the window, and then…

And the teacher is looking directly at her tits? And while the distraction tactic worked, how was she not sent to the principal’s office? Patrick was sent to the principal’s office for “exposing himself” with a bratwurst while joking with the cafeteria lady, and Kat is literally exposing herself and she walks scot-free? Hmm.

47) Patrick and Kat have another heart to heart, and to be honest, it always melts this cold heart of mine…

PATRICK: So, what's your excuse? KAT: For? PATRICK: For acting the way we do? KAT: I don't like to do what people expect. Why should I live up to other people's expectations instead of my own? PATRICK: So, you disappoint 'em from the start and then you're covered, right? KAT: Something like that. PATRICK: Then you screwed up. KAT: How? PATRICK: You never disappointed me.

Same, Kat. SAME.

48) #SWOON

49) And this is the part that doesn’t make sense to me. They’ve just had this perfect date, and they’re growing closer, and they’ve kissed, and he clearly likes her. And the reason he didn’t kiss her after the party was that he was feeling guilty about the way he’d gotten her to go out with him and fall for him – through deception and manipulation. And now that they’re much closer and into each other, he tries very hard to get her to go to prom with him, pushing her in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable, and like, why? They’re clearly not the type of people who go to proms, so why not take Joey’s money and screw the deal? Why did he have to keep his promise? Why not be honest with Kat? Why not tell her, I like you a lot and this idiot is paying me to date you even though I’m honored to do that for free so why don’t we team up and scam him? I know the answer is “conflict”, but it’s always pissed me off.

50) Seriously, though, Cameron. Why?

51) In true teen-rom fashion, everyone needs to be paired up, right?

52) See what I mean about the jokes?

53) Loved the Dawson’s Creek reference…

Believe it or not, a lot of people thought DC was scandalous at the time. And DC was so naïve compared to its predecessors The OC or Gossip Girl…

54) Kat finally opens up to Bianca and explains why she has so many issues and why she doesn’t want to conform to high school’s social rules and expectations and stereotypical idea of “normalcy.” She’d had a less than stellar dating experience back when she was way too young and far too vulnerable with none other than Joey, who had slept with her and dumped her right after. Oh yeah, and it all happened right after her mom had left them. In an attempt to prevent the same thing from happening to her little sister, she had agreed to their dad’s rules, effectively preventing Bianca from experiencing anything on her own. It’s kind of a case of the pot calling the kettle black, considering she’d complained about the very same thing to her father.

55) Kat finally realizes she’s been unfair to her sister and decides to go to prom, to their father’s dismay. Kat even swallows her pride and actually apologizes to Patrick for questioning his motives to ask her to the prom, and he has the nerve to forgive her. Dude, you do have ulterior motives, and the girl you like is actually apologizing even though she’s done nothing wrong and you’re blatantly lying, and he doesn’t even bat an eyelash when he tells her “You’re forgiven.” I mean, I love Patrick, but still… not cool.

56) Bless Walter.

57) I guess they’re a thing, because why not?

58) And this is, among many other reasons, why I can’t hold anything against Patrick Veronica…

He got her favorite band to play in the prom.

59) Chastity is such a bitch for no reason? Like, she and Bianca were close friends, and then, all of a sudden, they aren’t? And she’s so mean to Bianca!

60) And leave it to Joey to ruin everything…

61) And I truly love that Bianca is the one to put him in his place…

62) See? He’s a good guy, he was just trying to protect his daughters the only way he knew how…

WALTER: Bianca did what? KAT: What's the matter, upset that I rubbed off on her? WALTER: No, impressed. Fathers don't like to admit it when their daughters are capable of running their own lives. It means we've become spectators. Bianca still lets me play a few innings. You've had me on the bench for years. And when you go to Sarah Lawrence I won't even be able to watch the game. KAT: When I go? WALTER: Oh, boy. Don't tell me you changed your mind. I already sent 'em a cheque

63) And I also have to include the video for this scene because it’s just… *chef’s kiss*… Julia Stiles absolutely nails this one, and it never fails to bring me to tears…

Same, Patrick. Same.

64) And while the fact that he doesn’t immediately run after her always has me screaming, he does make up for all of it…

KAT: A Fender Strat? Is it for me? PATRICK: Yeah, I thought you could use it, you know, when you start your band. Besides, I had some extra cash, you know. Some asshole paid me to take out this really great girl. KAT: Is that right? PATRICK: Yeah, but I screwed up. I, um... I fell for her. KAT: Really? PATRICK: It's not every day you find a girl who'll flash someone to get you out of detention. KAT: Oh, God. You can't just buy me a guitar every time you screw up, you know. PATRICK: Yeah, I know. But there's always drums and bass and maybe even one day a tambourine. KAT: And don't just think you can...

65) This movie is hardly a masterpiece, but it doesn’t intend to be either, and not every movie needs to be. It’s a feel-good movie, and it delivers on so many levels. It’s funny, it’s tropey, it’s cute, it’s romantic, it has a great soundtrack, and you just feel a whole lot better after watching it. It’s the 90s at its best, and that’s why it became a classic.

What I love the most, though, is Kat’s character development. We see this girl who is a badass and super smart, takes no bullshit, holds everyone accountable for their shitty behavior, and has a great wit. But she is not without flaws. She’s closed off because she has been hurt before, both by her mother and her first love. She holds everyone at bay because it’s easier that way. Throughout the movie, however, she shows empathy and a lot of vulnerability. And she soon finds out that she had been missing out on a lot of things by shielding her emotions. She’d missed out on having a good relationship with her sister and on finding love again. What is truly admiring about Kat, though, is that when she’s hurt the most and she has every reason to close herself off again, she does the exact opposite. She opens herself up not only in front of the guy she’s in love with but everyone. The shrew cries and bares her soul for the world to see. Regardless of the happy ending, I think that in itself s truly inspiring, don’t you? 

66) Bonus: bloopers!

67)  Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi. Thanks!

Your “eco-friendly fashion” can go and f*ck itself, and so you do.

Let me explain this: no, I don’t hate the eco-friendly trending of, actually, trying to get the less waste of products and similar stuff, for we need to be more responsible with the planet because, just as Starlord said, we are the idiots living on it. 

The problem comes when this idea of a “green life” becomes just another fashion to follow, building another bloody capitalist industry around it so those poor nasty rich people feel a little less bad for basically being the ones who contributes at more than 50% of carbon emissions  and contamination. What am I talking about? Let’s check some advices to contribute to help the enviroment which are in fact just pacifiers for first world, good wealth people:

Wasting reduction, a.k.a “my zero waste challenge”. Yes, plastic is the big villain at this moment, and to fight against it the population across the world is recomending the use of certain stuff to replace it, like glass recipents (fun fact: some idiotics enjoy saying how millenials are guilty for using plastic containers instead of glass like “my good ol’ granpa used to”, but hey, guess which generation started exploiding petroleum -where plastic comes from- to increase their wealth and reduce costs of production? One clue: not Millenials) or fabric bags. A good idea? Yes, until you remember most of the products like food come in plastic stuff, and I’m not just talking about that first world obssession for covering their fruit and veggies with fucking plastic when, hello, fruits and veggies ARE ALREADY PROTECTED BY THEIR SKIN, YOU JUST NEED TO FUCKING WASH IT A LITTLE BEFORE COOKING. 

Yes, Karen, I know what you’re thinking, “Well, duh, if you don’t like plastic around your food go to an organic market, they have this lovelies glass or fabric containers, stop complaining and do what U need to do”. And here comes problem number two:

Organic everything, the new way to show how rich you are. I have some news for ya, except for the processed food, EVERYTHING IS ORGANIC. The only problem is you are afraid of “toxicity in food for pesticides and dark water” which, guess what, is pushed violently by your bloody wild capitalism in order to produce more food. And now a lot of stores selling you organic, zero-waste, green food is just part of the same system, it just puts a huge stick in front of your ecologic container swearing these overpriced carrot (which vitamins are THE SAME AS THAT DOUBLE-LEGGED CARROT PLACES LIKE FUCKING WAL-MART RATHER THROWS TO THE GARBAGE) is good and fair... yeees, you just need to make some researchs on internet to find out the “fair price” for the peasants and agriculture workers just doesn’t equals the price you are paying to your white, nice lady in white uniform attending your weekly shopping of “clean” veggies and soy and quinoa. 

I know some countries aren’t used of local/producers market where you’re actually buying to the producer and paying a low price that goes directly to the field workers, but here’s a funny thing: the organic stores doesn’t just sell you the idea of “organic, ecologic” stuff, but the key word is “clean”, the idea of a mutant potato sounds “unclean” for them, because if it has a brother stuck in a side of it is because it was soaked in “evil chemistry stuff to make it grow like that”. Well, say thanks to Monsanto for covering the world with their bloody products who are actually doing worse damage than your ugly looking veggies, and all of it just to make money and provide you, person of a wealthy, capitalist, whitey country, of your organic stores and the rest of your nice stuff like year model car and Starbucks. 

In short: organic stores are just face washed supermarkets feeding with the explotation of people in other countries, putting an enormous, unnecessary price to their stuff which not everybody can afford just to make you feel good and a planet savior. 

The cow didn’t suffered, but what about Pablo? I know I’m entering a dangerous point here, but with these eco-friendly trending, veganism has been exploited like the panacea for everything, from enviroment contamination to poor cows and pigs crying in the farms. And yes, becoming more aware of the cruelty towards animals has been the iceberg peak to become more humans and protective to the other living forms in our society, and yes, the carnic industry tends to be awful and utterly disgusting... IN FIRST WORLD COUNTRIES. 

This might sound shocking, but the images of cattle of any shape being tormented since the moment of birth are usually from USA, UK and similar “farms” which act more like a corporation in the middle of a field than like a real farm. Places like South and Central America has a carnic indsutry which works pretty different; you can actually see, in a daily basis, cows and goats walking free in the farm’s territory, eating as much as they want and sometimes getting involved in fights with cars on the road, and though this isn’t an excuse for the late slaughter, at least those aren’t creatures jailed and tortured inside a 5x5 box. Chickens are the same, for instead of killing the males the farms in Mexico and sibbling countries rather let them grow to become the source of meat, the hens aren’t eaten a lot in our culture so they live to lay eggs and they also have a nice life in comparison with their north-americans or european pals. 

In other words: stopping meat consume doesn’t make you the person of the year, but fighting for animal rights and stop eating meat from massive industries will help a lot more than just hating everyone for getting a burger. 

“But still I rather take vegan products, soy and quinoa and other stuff...” Uh, do you remember what I said about the organic stores selling you smoke and mirrors? Yes, perhaps none animal died because of your vegan product (at least not none of the cuties like baby cows and chubby pigs, just a bunch of insects which exists as part of the natural balance and very probably wild life), but a lot of people of third world countries certainly will. Illegal buy of land made by corporations to needy goverments, privatization of fucking water from local comunities in order to create and feed fields of “organic food”, child and indigenous abuse due to this “legal steal” of land and bad payed, forced work (because in the end, the poor need to, you know, fucking live even if it’s at the minimun wage)... All of this so the white lady who enjoys speaking to managers and drives a massive truck just for her and her two children, can go and buy her quinoa and post a pic on Instagram claiming how “nice and easy” is save the enviroment.

Oh, I know, I’m being too mean to that people, am I? I don’t fucking care, because the hidden part of this fashion, the worst part of this idea of “ecologic capitalism” comes with this only truth:

Poor people aren’t “eco-friendly”. Classism has become the key to keep this trending just made for the wealthy, the idea of poor people not being “good with the enviroment” comes from a lot of cultural ideas created by the vision of a thirds of the population. Rich people hates seeing images of countries like India, Colombia, Phillipines and similar because the images sell a complete lie which helps to keep them in a bubble: poor people eating fast food or buying things in plastic containers is gross and they think “Oh thank God I left that life style behind” as they drive his car leaving a lot of CO2 compared to those who takes public transport, that same public transport that looks disgusting in those images I’m talking about, because hat portion of the world has no money to get new vehicles every year, because they can’t #govegan because their only sources of a certain quality food is the normal food, those who doesn’ have a seal of aproval which claims how enviroment-savior is, because that lack of wealth forces them to work much more than people of France, Germany or USA and gaining much less than them, with so little time to think on “being green”, sometimes even with little time to cook natural food in their homes, and of course being unable to pay to an inmigrant to cook for them like... well, you know like who. And because these poor people, who works and dies because their country and the “free market” is pushing them to a modern slavery for international corps which provide to their targets, people who aren’t from the South of the tropics, white and wealthy, free of any guilt because they spend 50 bucks every week in organic coffee which was grounded in the last remains of an indigenous land and harvested for a dark-skin, 10 y/o boy who is forced to work instead of studying because all this economic machine made him part of the poorest side of the society, the idea of being “better than others”. Because they’re selling the idea that being a helper for the enviroment is easy, as long as you can afford it in their terms, becaus they’re making you think your green bag is making more for the world than stop and think how those who make that bag are being paid 5 cents of dollar at day in a dark little room in the East of the world, consumed by the greed and vanity of capitalism.

You can be eco-friendly without spending like an idiot in that special stores and markets. How? You can recycle when you’re able to, you can use public transport or walk for short distances instead of depending of your car, you can carry water in a bottle to avoid buying one-use bottles outside, you can support your local producers market and stop thinking of the “zero waste challenge” and making it the “less, well thinking waste daily basis”. And, for the love of any God you’re praying to, STOP SUPPORTING FUCKING MARKET CHAINS OF ALLEGEDLY VEGAN, GLUTEN-FREE, ECOLOGIC SHIT. If you have the time and money to make your own food or to spend less plastic, FUCKING DO IT FOR YOURSELF AND NOT VIA BUYING USELESS SHIT FROM THOSE COMPANIES.

This was my 2020 year advice, thanks for reading. If you want more info, you can search for “international agriculture explotation”, “organic food origin” and “most enviromental dangerous companies” in your favorite searcher.

How to Be a Homeless and NOT Look the Part

1. Travel Light At most, to not be seen as a complete bum, DO NOT, have more than one tote bag or any bag in your hand. I carry a Starbucks tote bag I got from Goodwill and a backpack. In my backpack, I carry all the important items, things I want to keep near me at all times. My tote contains my hygienics, towel, and a change of clothes. This can bring the assumption you are either going to the gym, the laundromat, or are heading out to the beach if you're close to one like I am. If you have a tote bag or are looking to buy one, don't buy a 99 cent store bag or a Walmart bag. Those are the cliche homeless bag to carry. Think college town life and find a used but a branded logo. Something considered as the modern norm.

2. Wardrobe Give up the Nirvana shirt, Vans, and faded jeans. Buy black dress pants at Goodwill, A proper dress shirt or two (Sky blue, white, grey) One long sleeve one sleeves, and a tie. Shoes should always be dress shoes as your objective at this point is to get employed. Use wardrobe samples from Pinterest or movie actors (James Bond, Tom Hanks, Red carpet events, etc) Perhaps if the future permits, you can buy Vans and regular casuals but remember, your wardrobe says a lot about you to the world around you. I received a lot more smiles and respect wearing my formal clothing than I would have if I just wore casuals.

3. Hairstyle/Grooming Do not keep a beard or facial hair. I have to shave at least every two days to maintain a clean young look. I take advantage of my gym membership to do this and at the same time, I apply hair wax. I keep a comb with me in my pocket to fix it up as the day goes on. If you have long hair, find styles online that you can do. If your hair is short, find a combing style best representing a business style or formal as possible. I'll repeat this often, look like a businessman, not the employee. People need to see who is boss. This world is very judgemental and I don't need to tell you that at all.

4. Communication On a couple occasions, I have been able to bypass the need for the fare. I have fibbed a fair bit to transit drivers to avoid paying but it doesn't work all the time. In some cases, I would say my wallet is missing and then continue talking about something in pop culture. A Netflix series, Jennifer Aniston, music, etc. Anything to derail the driver from the initial point of interest of you lacking money. If you look clean, they won't say much. But the best part is that you get to talk a driver who otherwise spends a countless amount of time doing circles around the block without any real conversation. You may just make their day by asking how there's is going.

5. Body Spray/Cologne If you're a person who walks a lot like I do, I take advantage of the cologne section of malls where they offer free samples. I spray various types of spray or just one on my clothes. I may even take some sample strips and throw them in my pocket or my backpack to assure I'm always carrying a strong rich scent that attracts others. On one occasion a girl told me I smelled nice but I couldn't tell her what it was since my backpack was carrying various types. Needless to say, having a social respect from others puts a big smile on your day you'd otherwise wouldn't find.

6. Read, Write, and Stay Hydrated Always carry a bottle of water, a notebook, and a book with you at all times. The idea here is to present to the public you are either a student, employee or somebody working on something very important. In this instance, you can easily walk onto a University campus and not be thrown out by security. In my time, I have witnessed countless of homeless people being escorted off campus because they carry a lot with them and just seem out of shape. Avoid that at all costs. Don't let that fear seep into you that you are becoming this individual. You are not, you can get a grasp on this reality and bend it to your desires. Nothing is impossible.

7. The Tourist Trick - "Do you have a quarter?" In this day and age, you can trick society almost like a con artist. I panhandle mostly on busy intersections and my look confuses people as I don't look homeless and some reason people feel obligated to help out. But when I was tight on money and needed to collect at least 10 quarters from 10 different strangers, I did a simple trick around bus stations. Most lines and bus services in the city are close by which makes this a very simple tactic. Here's how to do it. Considering you don't look like a complete vagrant, the way to do this is take out your wallet and passport and keep it in your hand. If possible, stick a piece of paper in the passport to give the impression it's a flight ticket of sorts. At a bus stop near a Metro, Expo, Lightrail, or Subway line stand at a bus stop in a busy street and approach somebody who seems well rounded in appearance. For me, it was, "Hey, so I'm trying to get to the airport, which station do I go to and what train do I board?" They'll tell you "Across the street, go down and take the train to Union Station and there should be a flyaway bus service. Then you should say "It's 1.50 right for the train?" (Mention it as a quarter less from the actual service fare price in your city.) While holding a hand of some change pretend to count. The stranger will be like, "No, it's 1.75" That's when you should ask if they have a quarter since your international debit card is being rejected at the kiosk. When they do give you the change, shake their hand and say thank you. Ask for their name, not that you need to see them again, but because when such transaction occurs you need to present to the public that it was a formal agreement of sorts and not simply you asking for change. The handshake is a gesture that changes every interaction. It's respected, pleasing, and the stranger feels satisfied with helping somebody and also being appreciated for this service. In the end, you have 2.50 plus some extra dollars from previous collections. I live comfortably with 8.00/day.

8. The Graveyard Shift From 10:00 pm to 6 in the morning, you are on the graveyard shift. You cannot fall asleep during these hours. Most of your sleeping should be done during the day. There are some exceptions when you have had to walk five hours to get home like I did but on most occasions, I save some extra money for the evening to go to Denny's and order coffee. The refills are free, the staff usually hate their life and can care less about who you are if you don't give them a hard time. And, if you have your books, pens, laptop, and other stuff out, you'll be presumed as a student who is putting on a heavy workload and just needs to focus. The illusion is to the public you are working hard at your goals and career. (Which you should) I spend my time writing fiction, a screenplay, or browsing the web. I admit, sometimes I do fall asleep with micro naps but I don't carry this for long as I remember I'll have an entire day to sleep.

9. Sleeping I have three locations for sleeping, one is hidden from the public and is a combination of a cardboard box folded into a nice little house format and rests against a wall near another box where a homeless man sleeps. I know a fairly clean bin in the area that was recently replaced and have sometimes wanted to jump in it for the night because of the comfort but have resorted not too. My second sleeping location is the Metro Line. I panhandle enough to get me onto a train with a boarding ticket. I stick in headphones in my ears with no music (or little ambient music) and close my eyes. At six in the morning, I blend in. I take at least 4 round trips. In Los Angeles, I sleep between Union Station to North Hollywood. I get off North Hollywood and switch to the other side, sleep, and do this up until my body feels well rested enough to go outside. Finally, when I'm well rested, I take a stop to USC, go to the library, and rest off for the day. By the time I'm up, I'm hungry and I move to the next location.

10. Employment Whether you have a bank account or not, I have been in both positions. Luckily, California is a state where it offers a lot of help and payment methods most of society frowns upon. I had an occasional luck with some dishwashing jobs, however, due to my body's physical condition, this does more harm than good. I am currently trying to maintain my mental stamina as this is what's been breaking me down, but if you need a quick buck try out foreign restaurants owned by Asian men or women and ask if they need a dishwasher. Explain to them your situation and that you need some time to go to SSA to get your documents and if they can pay cash part-time for a bit. In my own experience, I have not been rejected from any place with a dishwashing position. Although be wary of employers in this political climate as a lot has changed over the years and working cash is seen more as a violent act much greater than school shootings. (Intended sarcasm)

GSA Search Engine Ranker: Learn To Rank Sites

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Old man's art pain help:

Proper rest and stretching your art arm helps the arm pain. Also learning how to properly hold your tool and how to move your arm helps loads.

But lots of times for artist, working is literally the difference between rent and homelessness so it’s not always easy to take full days off or more to give your body a break.

These are things I’ve learned and done to help ease the pain and reduce the injury.

1) Raise your prices!

Before I go into the stuff you can do with your body and your environment and your tools, the best damn thing you can do for yourself is raise your prices!

If you need $400 to pay your share of the rent, are you gonna wanna do 40 $10 pictures or 10 $40 pictures? The less you have to do the less you are causing harm to your body and the more time you can take in between art pieces.

Yes yes folks may not want to pay your higher prices and having to lower them to make ends meets can be hard and it’s sometimes a situation that happens. If you are in that situation don’t be afraid to give less. If headshots are easy for and take the least about of time, that’s your cheapest. If they feel like your charging too much for a full size picture, remind them that YOU can work with their budget and give them something worth that cost. (If base $40 is too much for a full length for someone ((it’s not)) tell them you are willing to do a bust instead and instead of clean lines, do sketch)

Post your commission information all over the place. Tumblr has a problem with forcing new artist to base their prices low (hell im sure mine are too low) but other sites have other standards.

Also, like, to be entirely honest, draw porn under a separate name and blog and page. Nsfw communities pay. And they pay good and if you are half way decent at their specific kinks, they are return customers. And for the most part don’t haggle with prices and will encourage you to charge more. (If you want more info on porn art work then come chat with me in the messages, I have no problem giving tips if you genuinely need them)

Don’t be afraid to charge more for completed shit, rush jobs, edits. That’s all damage you are doing to your body for someone else. So make it worth your time and body so that you can do less work later on down the road. All your time is money and they are costing you money with all their extra stuff.

2) Still Stretching Now

I don’t care how many things I need to work back to back on, I’m still going to stretching. Before during and after. Stretching your whole damn body. Walk about. Relax your muscles and move your joints. It’s a must.

3) Warm your body

Especially your working arm. Localized coldness can help with the nerves to reduce pain but also, just like a too cold room will cause your muscles to constrict.

Make a heating pack. You can buy one but to save money, get an old sock and some rice or dried beans. Fill it half way, tie it off with a rubber band and heat it a bit. Depends on your microwave but you’ll know it’s too long if it starts to stink. Less than a min (you can do a bit more of the sock is thick but literally it will reek because it’s starting to burn).

Warm your arm and your hands and shoulders and elbows to reduce constriction of the muscles and further damage.

Also keep an artist outfit. Mine is normally a pair of comfortable work out pants, a thin shirt and a hoodie to keep me comfortable, not constricted but warm in my room.

4) Work out

Mainly cardio but also light weights. The damage that a lot of art pain comes from is normally nerve but you don’t just use your nerves to draw. You got muscles. Cardio work outs help move lactic acid buildup out of your muscles and helps your muscles heal faster. I have a work out bike I get on but like some jumping jacks is just fine. It also helps with body pain because you still are using your whole body. Strength training with small weights help get your muscles stronger and so you can work more of you gotta grind. (But still stretch!)

5) Move your hand in a different way

The damage comes from repetition so you gotta use your body in different ways than you work.

A soft dollar star nerf type ball that you can hold in your hand and squeeze is good. (Also you can use your home made sock warmer which helps your hand). Your squeezing your hand in a different way from the way you hold a pen or pain brush. Also open your hand wide. Hold your arms above your head, stretch it the other way. Walk around if you sit a lot. Etc. Do the opposite when you are stretching and moving about.

On days when I’m not drawing, i write because it’s a different hand position I’m using.

6) Get a brace

Mainly for when your sleeping but also it’s a short term way to train your hand to draw the right way. I used one in order to force myself not to bend my wrist when I draw and use my whole arm. But don’t get dependent on it if you can help it. The part where the brace ends can dig into your arm and make whole new pains.

But it’s mainly for night and not work days. You don’t realize how much you use the same movements in day to day until it hurts like shit!? And you have no idea how you bend your hand in your sleep. I for example always prop my face up with my hands in my sleep even when I don’t sleep that way?? It’s odd and it hurts when it’s bend oddly.

7) Take your anti inflammation pill of choice

I know Walmart sucks but they always have $.89 cent naproxen (generic aleve) but they have $.89 versions of almost log anti inflammatory pain pills. Learn your generics (That’s just an adult tip! They have cheap ass allergy medicine too if you know the generic name) and get what works for you when you need it. Don’t over take it. Follow the guidelines. Don’t end up slowly killings yourself to make a buck.

8) Upgrade your software/Loosen your grip.

Some art programs are just better than others. And while in terms of quality of work the program really just is another tool, the little shit like pressure sensitivity can make a difference.

I love sai. For my ADHD it has the cleanest simplest set up by far and I have used a lot of programs and I have a lot downloaded on my computer. But it’s pressure sensitivity, even when I adjust stuff, is wack. On my bad hand days, I have to use Photoshop to work because I don’t have to press as hard to get the lines I want.

I also have changed the pressure sensitivity for my tablet so I again wouldn’t press down so hard to get the line weight I want.

But I also have been working to loosen my grip, again to keep from straining my nerves and muscles. I saw someone putting a big tube over their pen to make it more ergonomic. It’s to help with the grip on your hand.

9) Other sources of income

This is a do as I say, not as I do situation because I don’t have this set up because I’m all over the place because im just getting my ADHD under control but I know it works. It goes back to the first tip as far as money.

Things that work for folks are things like merch (prints, short print comics, buttons, etc), paid tutorial videos and the like, and also Patreon. The more you can subsidize your income with less body damaging you’re doing because you are doing less actual drawing and more time healing. Also this gives folks who can’t afford your hopefully raised commission prices (because seriously you deserve more for you art. Yes you.) a change to get art from you and to support you in a way that’s easier on their pockets as well.

Get creative, make shit other people haven’t, sell stuff folks aren’t. I don’t know from first hand experience in art but I do know this from my mothers bail bonding work, a whole lot of small consistent money goes a lot further than lump sum inconsistent money.

~~~

If you have other tips please add! And if you wanna chat with me, do so. I'd love to help.

17 Side Hustle Ideas for People Who Are Already Way Too Busy

So you're trying to make some extra money on the side, and are looking for side hustle ideas to cash in on the entrepreneur lifestyle. Because everyone's doing it — side hustling to make some extra cash, trying out a couple of side gigs or work from home jobs here and there.

But if you're already working a regular 9-to-5, aren't you already way too busy?

How do you find the time to do all of this side hustling and still enjoy living your life?

Indeed, a lot of side hustles focus solely on the “hustle” part. For example, you'll find suggestions all over the internet about becoming a driver for Uber or Lyft ridesharing, and Amazon Flex or Prime Now delivery services. GrubHub and DoorDash are popular services for restaurant delivery.

But what if you don't have the time or bandwidth to do all of that physical hustling? What if you already work a full-time job, therefore, only have a few hours a week to dedicate to side gigs?

Why Some Side Hustle Ideas Just Don't Work

Additionally, some people may not have the flexibility or convenience of doing extra work outside of the home.

There could be many different reasons for this, such as:

Not having reliable transportation

Caring for children or older family members

A physical or emotional disability keeping them at home

Unpredictable or longer hours during their full-time job

No familial support for working an additional job

I want to play devil's advocate to the high-powered motivational gurus who say things like “Your Only Limit is Yourself” and “If You Want it Bad Enough, You'll Find a Way to Do It.”

I call total BS on that sentiment.

Why? Because many people are over-stressed, overworked, undervalued, and underpaid.

When you're already teetering on the edge of financial chaos, you will grasp at whatever lifeline you feel you're capable of grabbing.

And it's entirely unhelpful for a self-proclaimed money expert to declare you're just not working hard enough.

Seriously??

The Anti-Social Media Influencer

Also, I'd like to throw something a little bit controversial out there. Some people (not naming any names) just don't like other people.

There, I said it.

Because there are those of us who really value our “alone time.” So working 40+ hours a week for someone else, and then having to dedicate another 10-15 hours for an external side hustle — will not last very long.

You can only force yourself into uncomfortable situations for so long before you finally throw your arms up in the air and yell, “Screw it!”. (or another similar phrase).

Human interaction overload can send some anti-social butterflies into an anxious tailspin.

Like, if you need me, I'll be locked away in my bedroom for the next two days, recovering from all the “people”-ing I've had to do lately. Just leave a pizza and a few bottles of water by the door. And maybe a pint of Ben & Jerry's. As long as I have my phone, my laptop, and my dogs — I'll be pretty self-sufficient. Okay, and maybe my Kindle. That's all I'll need. But don't worry about me, because I just need to recharge for a while. Build up that outer shell of protection that's chipped away after too many back-to-back in-person events.

The Introvert Advantage of an Online Side Hustle

If you happen to be a people person, then much of the above probably did not make a whole lot of sense.

But if you found this article because you're looking for ways for making money online — without a lot of human interaction — then there's a good chance you know what I'm s.

There are ways to make extra money on the side, on your terms, on a part-time basis.

And it is certainly possible to work from home, at your own pace, and on your own schedule, without having to leave the house whatsoever.

Now, don't get me wrong — it most likely will not make you rich.

Let's say that again —

It is highly unlikely that you will become rich off of a part-time, online, side hustle.

Others may tell you differently. Most likely, they are trying to sell you something. But I don't want your money. I want you to make money.

I mean, I could use some money, but it's not yours that I'm after.

What I'd love is for you to read my articles and pass them along to your friends.

But I'm not selling anything. I don't have a course, or an ebook, or online coaching sessions.

I'm sharing side hustle ideas to get it out there to the people who have one (or two, or three) too many bills.

Or are strapped for cash due to an unexpected expense. Or maybe went a little too crazy this past holiday season, and are still trying to dig out from under the credit cards.

I've been there, you've been there, we've all been there. And if you haven't, then you're probably a Kardashian or something.

Side Gigs That Require a Lot of Hustle, with Little Gain

When so many online articles offer “99 Easy Ways to Make Extra Money on the Side” or “Top 25 Side Hustle Ideas to Make You Rich”, it can be utterly discouraging to find side hustle ideas that can actually work for you.

So many suggest ideas such as tag sale/flea market flipping, selling handcrafted products on eBay or Etsy, or selling wholesale on Amazon FBA, where you have to package and mail these items out.

Flipping rental properties, renting out your vehicle, house sitting/pet sitting, house cleaning (when our own houses may have dust bunnies that should be paying rent by now). Again, these are all notably profitable side hustle ideas. But they also require a fair amount of time, physical activity, and effort.

17 Best Side Hustle Ideas That You Can Do from Home

Okay, so if you've made it this far and you're still with me, then I can only assume you'd like to hear more.

We've established the difference between in-home, online side hustles and external, physically busting-your-butt best side hustles. Neither concept is right or wrong. It's really just a matter of preference.

And I prefer the flexibility of working at home, according to my schedule, while maximizing my earnings potential, especially since my day job is also from home. If your regular 9-to-5 has you out and about, then your preference may be different.

For example, I have a friend who does amazingly well with a mystery shopping side hustle. So well, that she is currently writing a book about it. She travels around the state quite a bit and can cash in by scheduling several shops back to back. That's a perfect way to maximize efficiencies, and get the best bang for your buck (+ better gas mileage).

But if you have a situation that's better suited for working from home, then read on for some different side hustle ideas.

Side Hustle Working Entirely from Home

The following side hustle ideas can be done entirely from home, according to your schedule. While there is a certain level of effort involved — you can make your own hours. Plus, you can do as much or as little as you'd like. The earning potential and growth potential is limitless with many of these ideas.

First let's start with an obvious one, to get it out of the way —

Online Surveys

Who hasn't tried online surveys? I think out of all the side hustle ideas out there, “taking surveys” takes the cake in terms of getting a bad rap. Online surveys have gotten some negative press over the years, simply because they're the absolute easiest way to make a little bit of money. Emphasis on “little bit.” But it's still making money.

Because all you have to do is provide your opinion — something every one of us has. The hard part is finding a company that will pay you top dollar for the least amount of your time. And for my money, I'll take my chances with Survey Savvy every time. Why? Because out of all the companies I've tried, Survey Savvy has consistently sent me the most surveys in the $1, $2, and $5 price range.

Most other companies will either give you pennies, or award points you need to accumulate & convert into a few dollars. Additionally, joining the Survey Savvy team will allow even more money-making opportunities. For example, their Cash for Junk Mail program, and also various online research communities.

IntelliZoom Panel

IntelliZoom is a cross between an online survey and website user testing. You're assigned a task, which usually involves evaluating a website. They record all steps of the job with either screen recording software, webcam video, or both. You walk through all of the task steps, answering questions, and explaining your thought process. They encourage you to “Think Out Loud” to understand the average customer mindset. And the reason I include this company here is because the payout is $10 per study. With other online surveys or web testing sites, you might be lucky enough to stumble across a $10 review. But it isn't something offered consistently.

Kindle Self-Publishing

Are you more of a creative type? If you love to write stories, you should consider self-publishing on Amazon. You might think getting a book published would be a complicated process, but it isn't.

Using the Kindle Direct Publishing platform, they take care of all of the technical details. You upload your completed document, add a cover image and description, and Amazon takes care of the rest. Many people make great side incomes by writing short stories. And the beauty of this is — once you have your book listed on Amazon, it will stay there for years to come, earning income with no additional work on your end.

eJury Member

If you watch prime time television, you may have seen the popular CBS show “Bull,” starring Michael Weatherly. It's a courtroom drama about a trial-consulting firm that assembles mock juries to help predict potential trial outcomes. Sound interesting? Well, you can have the opportunity to do the same thing, entirely online.

eJury.com brings together online juries and focus groups to help attorneys develop their case strategies, based on valuable data and information that YOU provide. You can sign up to be an eJuror right on the website. And will be contacted once a qualifying case becomes available. A typical case consists of a written description — facts, diagrams, pictures, and questions. The average case study takes 35 minutes, and you are paid $5 – $10 per case, depending on length.

Affiliate Marketing

Affiliate marketing, if done correctly, is pretty much a “set it and forget it.” A certain amount of work is required up front, and then after that will be totally passive income. So what exactly is affiliate marketing? It's when you vouch for a product or service, recommending it to others. And then that company offers you a reward for bringing in new customers. It could be a certain dollar amount, a free product, or a free service, depending on what the company sells. And it's something everyone can do, even if you don't have a blog or professional online presence.

I'm sure you've heard of cashback or refund programs like Ebates (aka Rakuten), where you get money back from making purchases online. But did you know you can also make money as an Ebates affiliate? You sign up through their affiliate program and are given your own personal affiliate link. Then you promote your link on social media, or by email to family and friends, and yes, even on your blog, if you have one.

And for every person who signs up through your link with a qualifying sale, you will earn $25. That's huge!

And it's also why so many people promote Ebates online. It's a heck of a lot easier to earn $25 referrals than actually to earn $25 cashback after making online purchases.

Fun fact: Ebates has been officially renamed/rebranded to “Rakuten,” which means “optimism” in Japanese.

Selling Photos & Stock Footage

If you were to look at your phone right now, how many photos do you think would be on there? I just looked at mine, and I have 668 photos, plus 104 videos. Wouldn't it be amazing if you could somehow make money on a few of these photos? I don't mean by selling out your bestie, or posting a bunch of selfies online. But if you have high-quality photos (in focus, non-blurry) of outdoor scenes, foliage, nature, animals, flowers, sunsets — you name it — you can make money by selling them online.

Websites like Shutterstock, Pond5, iStock/Getty Images, and Fotolia will pay you for your still pictures or stock footage (short video clips). Each company has specific guidelines. But in general, they look for quality photos that are generic and seasonal, which others can then purchase for commercial or personal use through their website. Also, if there are people in your pics or footage, then a model release form also needs to be completed.

Merch by Amazon

One of the quickest and easiest ways to sell a physical product online is through Print on Demand. That means you provide a design, and the POD company takes care of the printing, shipping, and customer support. Merch by Amazon is the platform I recommend for getting started with POD since it's user-friendly and extremely popular. I mean, everybody has shopped on Amazon one or two times, right?

To get started selling on Merch, all you need are a few creative ideas and an app to mock up your design. There are so many designing apps out there, accessible for computers and also for smartphones. Some free and popular programs are GIMP, Canva, Stencil, Over, and WordRabbit.

Side Hustle Ideas that are Mostly Passive Working from Home

This next group of side hustle ideas can also be done from home, and are very close to being entirely passive. Some additional work may be involved, but something that can be handled while multitasking.

ThredUp Clothing Consignment

The only real work involved with this side hustle is washing and folding the gently used clothing you plan on selling online. ThredUp will mail a shipping bag and postage-paid shipping label right to you (in what they call a “Clean Out Kit”). You place all of the items in the bag, seal it, and schedule a free pickup from USPS or FedEx.

Upon receipt, ThredUp will inspect all of the items, determine prices, then list them for sale. And as each item is sold, you'll receive the cash into your linked account, which is way easier than listing individual items online on eBay and then having to ship purchases to the buyers. ThredUp takes all of the grunt work out of the process for you.

Scanning Receipts

This is something you need to remember to do, but it's pretty quick & no thought is involved. The next time you spend a day grocery shopping or erranding, make sure you save those paper receipts! There are several smartphone apps where you can scan your receipts for cash. So remind everyone in your family to keep their receipts as well. I do this at home — everyone drops their paper receipts on the kitchen table, I scoop them up & scan into all of my apps.

Some of the most popular receipt scanning apps are Receipt Pal, Receipt Hog, and Fetch Rewards. You gain points for scanning paper receipts, and can also connect an email address to include email receipts from online purchases. Depending on how frequently you scan, it may take a few months before you can cash in. But again, this is such a low amount of effort. And you're doing the shopping anyway, so already have the receipts. Instead of crumpling them in a ball and throwing them away, make them go a bit further for you and cash in.

Search Bar Rewards

How often do you use Google to search online? Once a day? Several times a day? Well, some companies will pay you for using their search engine. Two examples that immediately come to mind are Swagbucks and Bing. One of my peers uses Bing exclusively for searches to accumulate Bing Reward points.

He has teenagers who play video games on Xbox. He tells me you can use your reward points to pay for your Xbox Live monthly subscription. He said he'd used points to pay for an entire year of Xbox Live up front and has done this for several years.

Now that's impressive — solely from doing online searches that you're going to do regardless. So instead of asking someone to “Google it,” maybe instead say “Bing it“!

Picky Domains

Picky Domains is a site I've recently discovered, and have been trying out. I include it in this post because I thought it was such a fun concept, and I'd never heard of this side hustle idea. Customers sign up with Picky Domains when they are looking for a brand name or domain name suggestions. They put together a short business background and show you the parameters — like associated keywords, and a maximum number of words or letters.

And as a Picky Domains contributor, you would suggest names that they might like. If the customer picks your suggestion, then you get paid between $20-$75, depending on the type of order. Also, you can make a small amount of bonus money even if the customer likes your suggestion, but ultimately doesn't select it. If you have a creative streak and are good with words, it should be easy to make dozens of recommendations for each company — something you can do while watching TV at night, with really no effort involved.

Amazon Influencer Storefront

If you are active on social media, whether it's Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, or Pinterest, you may want to consider becoming an Amazon Influencer. That is slightly different from their affiliate program because, as an Influencer, you get to create your storefront on Amazon, with a custom Amazon URL. (With the Amazon affiliate program, you have a unique link to specific products that you place in other online locations.)

When you set up your storefront, you're curating all of your favorite Amazon content to display in your store. And you can create separate Idea Lists, that serve as categories. For example, you can create an Idea List of Best Summer Reads, or Must-Have Hair Care Products, or Cutest Dog Halloween Costumes. Then you can share your Amazon storefront link wherever you have an audience or followers. And when customers shop through your storefront, you earn money on qualifying purchases.

Pay Your Selfie

Pay Your Selfie is a fun one that you can do while multitasking, and can help you earn a few extra bucks every month. With the Pay Your Selfie app, you earn money by posting selfies of certain everyday situations. For example, a “BBQ Grillin' Selfie,” or “What's For Breakfast? Selfie“, and even a “Where Do You Keep Your Marshmallows? Selfie“. You'll receive anywhere from 25 cents to $1 for each approved selfie. Again, not a tremendous amount of money, but a chunk of change that can add up for the minimal effort!

Working Mainly from Home, Minimal Human Interaction

Here are some side hustle ideas where you can make money from home, but may need to engage in a small amount of human interaction. Which wouldn't be an everyday occurrence, but may happen every once in a while.

Online or Telephone Focus Groups

Online Focus Groups are a great way to make money from home by providing your opinion. They're similar to online surveys, except they pay a lot more. Like, it wouldn't be challenging to locate an opportunity where you can make from $50 – $200. But in general, you need to qualify for a particular demographic. So you more than likely will need to complete a short survey upfront to make sure you fit the criteria required by the focus group. The focus group may take the form of an online community or forum, where they want you to post your opinion on something. Or a company may mail you a product to use, and then you need to tell them what you thought about it. It could even be a brand new smartphone app that they'd like you to try out & give your opinion on.

A lot of this communication gets done entirely online. But sometimes companies may offer phone interviews, where you need to talk to an actual person to answer questions. There are even in-person focus groups, like the ones you see on TV in car commercials. When you register with a research organization, you typically set your preferences — whether you prefer online, text, telephone, or in-person focus groups.

A few organizations where you can sign up for focus groups are Find Focus Groups, Survey Squad, and User Interviews.

Census-TakerAnother not-so-common suggestion for working from home is to be a Census Taker. I know what you're thinking — There's no way I'm going door-to-door, counting everyone who lives in each house.

But hear me out.

That's only one aspect of what the Census Team does. And I only know this because I got the chance to speak with a 2020 Census Recruiter a few weeks ago when I attended a local ChooseFI meetup. So while they do have door-to-door Census Takers, there are also plenty of online research positions where you can work from home part-time. They train you on how to use online tools to verify the information. In certain situations, you may need to drive to a location and take a picture of a house or building. That would be in situations where they cannot validate that someone lives in residence. For example, in the case of foreclosures or if a previous resident has passed away. But the majority of this verification can be done online.

If you check out their website, you can see the pay grade that applies to your location. In the county where I live, the pay would be $21 per hour — which is not bad at all, right?

Totally Passive Income

These next few side hustle ideas require virtually no effort and produce completely passive income. But they may not be for everyone. They need a certain level of transparency, allowing these companies into your daily online behavior. So if you're a little hesitant about “Big Brother” watching you, these may not be a good fit for you. However, if you don't mind sharing a few of your online habits, you can cash in by receiving money for doing nothing.

And I will tell you; I currently participate in both of these. (But then again, my life isn't all that exciting, so they're probably not discovering a ton of useful information!)

Digital Reflection

With Digital Reflection, you get paid for having a hardware device connected to your computer router. Also, you earn quarterly bonus payments for validating any online devices used in your household (laptops, cell phones, tablets). According to the company website, they gather data to create research reports for businesses around the world, and the reports never contain any personally identifiable information.

As far as the pay, you'll receive $20 for signing up and installing their device, the “internet meter.” Then you earn $5 for each month that the meter is plugged in. Every quarter you get a $20 bonus. They also throw out a few extra bonuses every once in a while, for installing updates and validating your information. I've been a member for roughly a year and a half and have made $365. For doing nothing but keeping a device plugged in.

Savvy Connect

Similar to Digital Reflection, Savvy Connect pays you money when you connect their program to your devices. They collect data as you surf the web, and track trends in online search, shopping, and entertainment. And in return, you earn cash rewards. Savvy Connect is part of the Survey Savvy program.

In Summary

Working a side hustle doesn't have to take every spare second of your day. Especially if you already have a full-time job. Because your time is just as valuable as money. And you need to have a healthy balance between work time, fun time, and downtime — or else you may find yourself in an unhappy situation.

Also, if you're not a super-social go-getter, you don't have to work the hustles that put you out in the spotlight. There are tons of ways to make money on the side. The side hustle ideas in this post are merely scratching the surface on how you can earn extra income.

The post 17 Side Hustle Ideas for People Who Are Already Way Too Busy appeared first on Your Money Geek.

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Bookstore Shelf Sadness and Sticker Shock

(originally posted July 2018, hasn’t changed as far as I know)

Last week Monday, I walked into a book store and walked out without buying anything.

Usually, this is a cause for celebration for me. It’s a test of my self-control. Can I go into the bookstore and not come out with arms full of books? This time, it was different. I didn’t want to buy any of the books I saw. I haven’t really been in a book store for over two years I think and while that brick and mortar chain isn’t my favorite chain ever, I can usually find something that I can get excited about.

Sure, I didn’t have a great deal of time. I don’t really have money to spending on a book or two or three. (My gift cards that I haven’t used are for another store entirely. I don’t think I can get to that store by bus.) And when I looked for authors I have been following, they didn’t have anything new. (Look, I’m not about to be capitulated by another book of short stories. Okay.)

So, I was reading the shelves looking for authors that maybe I haven’t tried or that seemed interesting. You know, in the few minutes I had and was confronted with the fact that virtually nothing was facing outwards and that big blocks of shelf space were taken up by very old, very stodgy, old school fantasy and science fiction with a few shelves of really big name current authors such as Butcher, Mcguire and Harris. So, they’ve got good agents or publishers, go them. And a very large shelf of Brandon Sanderson who is the “successor” of Robert Jordan.

Asimov. Asimov had a book turned face out. (A Foundation novel no less.)

And I didn’t have time to stand there and start pulling out books of the few names in between that I didn’t know or maybe I did know and have forgotten about. Nor, did I have the energy or desire because why the hell am I having to comb through the Ben Bovas and LE Modesitt Jrs and Asimov of all things to try and find someone who is new, fresh and exciting? (Yes, Tolkien is just as bad taking up space. I’m sure Tad Williams had his shelf too not that I could see it. There was a cart in the way and no one emptying it.) I could name more. Don’t get me started.

There was a very nice shelf of licensed fiction of Star Trek, Star Wars and World of Warcraft and so on too. (I can't complain, that was high school for me.)

Going onto websites is worse by the way. (There is usually no way to start editing “originally printed before X date” out. I mean, even fanfic archives have “most recently published” but I do that on a BOOK store website and I STILL get reprints of scifi classics. No. Bad. No biscuit. No sale.

By the time I would have taken out the old school authors and I’d include Lackey and McCaffery on this list despite liking McCaffery and Lackey. (Though Todd’s taken over from Anne and I’ve heard things about the quality. Good thing I didn’t really stick with Pern to care.) (And Lackey’s latest collab made me think of fairytales meets pirates in a historical fantasy setting and man that seems tiresome from her. Oh, a fencing protag? Really? Um. No thanks, not enough.) Then if you took the big contemporary authors off, there really wouldn’t have been a lot left.

And so I left my favorite section and wandered through the rest of the store looking around because I just like book stores. I’d done something good. I’d gone to a job place. This was a bit of a treat before I got a haircut, bought a sub, hopped a bus and went home. And if I’d seen something I might have bought it because “treat!” I came upon 3, yes 3, aisle length bookshelves full, and maybe we can call them overfull with books that were buy 2 get the 3rd three. AKA BARGAIN BOOKS.

At the first and the second, I was like “Okay, oh, look the soft cover of popular contemporary urban fantasy author, huh.” (I already own the hard cover.)  But at the third, my heart just kind of went out of the book store and I left. (I didn’t even see a local authors section, sooo…)

3 shelves of bargain books. 3 aisle length shelves.

I could, I could cry.

Think of all the wonderful authors, the great stories we could have  if we filled those shelves with bold, brave and new writers instead of publishers filling the bookshelves with scifi and fantasy authors whose books should be in classic anthologies and bargain books. (Hell, my copy of the Foundation Series was an soft cover three books in one anthology. Why are these being printed separately and faced out like they're new books again?)

Think of all the beautiful stories. Think about the creative people who could have their dreams fulfilled of seeing their books on a bookshelf. Think of all the agents who wouldn’t have to reject so many MSes. Think of all the voices that could be expressed.

I’m sure there are arguments. “Well, books are expensive and bargain books let people buy books.” -bluster-

A paperback book that costs 6.50 cents to make is being sold at 9 or 10 dollars. No wonder books aren’t selling. No one can afford them. (And they’re paying part time employees 9 bucks an hour and can’t pay authors a living wage of royalties. Ohkay. Right then.) I didn't see anything I wanted in the store, so I didn't look at prices except for the one hard cover book. I checked the price of paperbacks online, they said 16.00 with 9 or 10 being "sale" prices. I later went back to the store to check. Store price on the back is 9 or 10. (Remembers when books were $5 or even $4. -cries-)

Since books are too expensive then maybe traditional publishers need to figure a way to make them less expensive and I don’t know, pay their authors more at the same time. Or, how about, more companies around the world pay their workers a good living wage that goes up in accordance to cost of living instead of fixed percentage increases that leave workers way behind market value even after one or two years working for the same company. That way people could afford books.

Or how about we donate those extra books that don’t sell to libraries? Or maybe publishers should make smaller batches of books?

Or… hmm… there must be a solution somewhere.

Look, it costs as much to print on demand the Dawn Warrior PER BOOK as it does to print thousands of books for a traditionally published author. But that’s just print cost for DW. Their print cost is 50 cents and the rest is overhead. My print cost doesn’t include a sales team or a cover designer or an agent or an editor or any marketing or advertising or negotiating deals to go on a big book chain or indie book store shelves. That’s just the cost of printing. Should I up the Dawn Warrior’s price because of that?

I mean, not a lot of people are buying it anyways.

Bargain books aren’t a great deal if you want to support authors whose next deal depends on the first week sales of their latest books. That you have to buy full price (outside of any jazzy member discounts. And man, do they like jazzy member discounts.)

Maybe if they lowered the cost of books, more people would buy them, demand would increase and ebook piracy may go down. (Because publishers need to find a way to handle that too.)

I’ll be honest. I haven’t been keeping up with book stores and book prices. I’ve been too tired. I’ve been ill. I’ve been busy working on half a dozen little projects with what energy I have. Apparently, my authors that I read haven’t been publishing. So, I didn’t care because it’s emotional labor to find new authors and I own so many books, so many, that I don’t reread them all already. Maybe this is something you’ve already noticed. I mean, I’ve noticed the over stuffing of my favorite shelves with old school authors like Brooks and Jordan before. It wasn’t as important to me because I could still find new authors that had a bit of space on the shelves or were being featured face out. (And do Norton or Cherryh get the same treatment. I think not.)

You know, I was thinking of getting rid of some of my used books of authors I haven’t read in over a year or so. And now part of me is going “No. I’m camping out.” And is hiding all my books under my bed covers because just in case I want to read them again someday and they’ll be too expensive to get again.

This is rather a moot point at the moment as I’m not even sure how I’d divest myself of these books.

I think I need to go huddle somewhere and try not to think about how back in 1997 when I got into star wars paperbacks were 4.99 and I saved my allowance for weeks hoping we’d go to Wal-Mart and I’d have enough to get all 3 of a Star Wars Trilogy.

Bookstores used to be this place where I felt all my dreams could come true between pages of novels. And now, I don't feel that there anymore. And that's sad because I love books.

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Something that could permit me to rest a little bit more with ease.

And also I tried every little thing! Think me!

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So Then, Whatever Changed ...

I remember this like it was the other day. This is not the normal story that you become aware of how people begin generating income online.

I chose to compose a short, easy blog post, something new that I had discovered in several of the books that I bought, I really did not think it would certainly work but I offered it a shot.

I didn't get outcomes and also I was restless then, so I determined to do one of things that I regret the most.

I Quit

" Sufficient With This B.S." I thought.

I quit working for the day as well as went back to watching TELEVISION, thinking of exactly how I'll pay the bills at the end of the month.

However a couple of days later I opened among my Google Analytics accounts. And also I'm so thankful I did that.

Guess just what I saw?

I Saw That My Tiny Article Actually Got 1,000's of Sights As well as Made Me $92.87!

I went to the bathroom and cleaned my eyes. I assumed I was FANTASIZING, I'm not kidding you!

But it was true. My life completely transformed in one minute many thanks to those 20 mins of job.

And that's when I FINALLY recognized that "sensation" everyone speak about.

The sensation where you make your first buck ... it's nearly like an adrenaline rush. I actually called my mother, LOL!

And then ... I got addicted to it.

I made use of several of the methods I learned, as well as I scaled that income approximately $300+ a month, after that to $1,000+ a month, and then more, and also more, and a lot more.

Each post took 20 mins to establish and the expense was SO cheap. You can see the capacity, right?

Particularly when you can start with just $5 as well as scale up from there?

All You Should Do is Comply With a Simple System That Takes 20-30 Minutes a Day ...

One blog post made me so much in simply a couple of weeks, and also I now have a number of them, I have actually lost matter ...

I simply established them up over and over due to the fact that it functions.

For a lot of you, what does it cost? would even added $10 a day help? Or $20? Or $50?

After I obtained that first feeling of success, I craved it an increasing number of! You will as well!

Once I comprehended the core idea, it was straightforward:

1) I 'd order an article for $5 (I don't create them myself). 2) Then submit it, established the "passive traffic" dish and also excitedly inspect my phone while I set about my day finishing tasks and also errands. 3) Jump with pleasure a little each time an associate sale or some Adsense revenue would coming in ...

It was outrageous! Including my very own tweaks and researching even more essentially sky-rocketed it.

And from wanting a little income on the side that I can use to go out for a nice meal with my friend or family, it ended up being something a lot more ... a stable earnings stream for my new IM company ...

So If You're Sick of BS and Spammy Loopholes ...

After that this is for you. I have actually existed, and I understand what it really feels.

I want to assist you!

That's why I developed this. Due to the fact that I want to help you. And today you can get results like me and also you WILL ...

It's YOUR turn currently.

I'm just an ordinary individual in his late 20's as well as if I could do it you could do it also, and even do it better!

If you resemble me, after that you possibly require money ASAP and you need something that will continue to work over as well as over once again and also bring traffic and also loan each month, right?

I am definitely not a genius, simply a regular man. That's just what I needed, what I have actually done and also just what you will do when you begin. I believe about that.

Right here's exactly what you'll find inside Bloggii

I do not desire you to get any type of shocks. This is a truthful description of exactly what's in:.

Component 1: Situation Studies, Review and also Research.

In this component you will certainly see my very own study and introduction of the system.

For instance, you will certainly see the specific blog post that I contracted out for $5 as well as made $1,085.91. Some other results include messages that made me $1049.31, $873.29, $650, $573.94 and also lots of numerous others.

You will see the ACTUAL messages, which suggests you could learn from it and also carry out in your service.

Component 2: Article Configuration.

As you've understood by now, the method focuses on setting up unbelievably easy blog posts then driving MASSIVE FREE TRAFFIC to them, in any niche, for any type of company model (eCom, associate marketing, Adsense, marketing own items as well as more).

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Component 3: Web Content Research Study as well as Money Making.

Like I stated earlier, I DON'T DEVELOP MY OWN WEB CONTENT. I get others to do it for me.

So do not stress - it's extremely easy, quickly, NOT time consuming, as well as actually affordable. You could begin with just $5 (or even much less).

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Module 4: Obtaining Web Traffic & Generating Income.

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Module 5: Advanced Techniques.

In this last module, you will certainly discover some extra advanced strategies which will certainly enable you to multiple your earnings.

These are the distinct "twists" that I discussed earlier which took me a while to identify, however you will have the ability to profit from them instantly.

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Value Ladder SerValue laddervalue ladder conceptSales FunnelSales Funnel LabsSales Funnelssuccess in online marketingmarketingonline businessvalue ladderSales Funnel SecretsClickFunnels Templatesknow howMarketingMarketing SecretsDaily Goalsies [Part 1]

"Hi, I’m Zach Miller and today I’m going to be talking about The Value Ladder. Now when it comes to The Value Ladder, a lot of you guys are asking me questions about: “do I have a full Value Ladder”, “is it complete”, “what am I doing wrong”, “should I switch this step”, “how many products should I add”, “what about these upsells”. I’m going to go through all of that in a series of videos/posts/podcasts. So today, is Day 1. I don’t know how long this is going to go on, but it’s definitely multiple videos. I want you guys to be able to learn this in consumable parts. What I need you to understand, is that for 5-10 minutes, you need to stop what you’re doing, look at the screen, look at what we’re going over. This The Value Ladder series is something that is absolutely crucial to have visibly [in front of you] so that you can understand and really absorb what we’re going over. Now, I want you to obviously see me, connect with me. But I want you to also see what I’m writing down because we have a lot of drawings that visually enhance this series. How Many Steps In A Value Ladder? I know a lot of you sometimes get confused because I’ll draw a Value Ladder with multiple steps. And you’ll say to yourself, “well I thought it’s always been three steps Zach”. But most will have four steps to start [and a continuity below]. Think about it. You’ve got your Freebie [1], your Front-End [2], your Middle [3], your Continuity Program [4], and then your Back-End [5]. Getting back to Josh’s question, it’s not a matter of steps, it’s a matter of value levels that you deliver. However, most often I like to keep it simple: Freebie, a Front-End, a Middle and a Back-End. So you know, the first two steps of The Value Ladder, the Freebie and the Front-End, can be combined if you do a Free + Shipping (kind of like I do here). With that in mind, you’re going to have three steps. But always remember your Continuity/Micro-Continuity as well [, although not counted as a “step” on The Value Ladder]. Once you build out that Value Ladder, you start having six, and with the Back-End, seven figure businesses. What’s Next? Just like I talk about inside of my Email Mastery course, you need to get that number (you need to earn each month to be happy) in your head right NOW. That’s what that 100 Clicks A Day Formula is for. 100-clicks-a-day lp What is it? The formula shows you how to turn 100 clicks a day into $20,000+ each and every month. I know it’s seems impossible, but when we do the math [and remember the Value Ladder’s importance], we’ll see it really does only take 100 clicks a day to make a six (or even seven) figure business! Your Front-End vs Your Back-End Understand, your Front-End is only there to break you even. Your Back-End, your Middle, your Continuity – that’s what really makes your profits. Why? Because you’re remarketing to an audience [via email] that you’ve already built a relationship with. We’re only looking to get as many people as we can through the top of our sales funnel. I call this a Front-End. Then [those buyers are] going to go through the rest of The Value Ladder. Just remember, the life-blood of any company is a continuity, [which charges clients on a recurring basis] for 6-12-infinite months. Zach Millers Value Ladder I personally like to do Micro-Continuities. [They] have an end date, and that end-point is the perfect time to contact these people about my Back-End. They’re more likely to participate after time has passed, than right away up-front. The entire point of the Middle, Continuity and continued communication is to get buyers to buy the Back-End. For me, that’s my Inner Circle, which is a $25,000 / yr coaching program. Sounds crazy, right? But, there are steps to get there, and that’s why people buy. They step up to that decision over time through The Value Ladder. So, I want to provide quality to all of my clients, so those that can pay, do. Don’t worry about criticism or people who cannot afford that level. That’s why we have The Value Ladder. There’s a step/level for each person’s time & financials. Is There Life Beyond The Value Ladder? YES! Once you get to a certain point, you’ll end up creating another Value Ladder like some famous entrepreneurs: Mike Filsaime, Jeff Walker, Mike Dillard, Russell Brunson, Dan Kennedy. They all created another Value Ladder after making a successful business [with their first Value Ladder]. So you’re going to have another [Value Ladder] after that, and it’s going to be its own separate idea. It’ll have it’s own unique Front-End with a slightly different focus. Keep your one Desired Result close in each Value Ladder you build. You may not always cover everything that you really want to, so that’s what other Value Ladders are for. Quick Example For example, you want Mind-Body-Health-Wealth, but you know money is one thing, and mental health is a completely different one. This is where you develop different Value Ladders. [But remember, your first Value Ladder should make you six-figures before moving on.] Even if you don’t feel like there is “another Value Ladder” – there is! When you’re looking to achieve a new desired result, [then that’s a new Value Ladder]. If I’m going for ultra high-end clients, which is a small percentage of people; most entrepreneurs will build a second Value Ladder that offers something slightly different. And you can build a whole new business and make those new 3 or 4 steps. Once you build that out, you have a million dollar business. The Back-End’s Importance It [the Back-End] should earning at least be $500,000. Don’t believe me? I show you inside of my FREE Webinar, High Ticket Hack. Again, that’s the minimum you should earn. Is that all profits – no. But your sales people alone, should be closing $500,000 [in Back-End sales] for you every year. [And when most] have that put into place, [they build] another Value Ladder. It’s the idea of, “I don’t want to have all my eggs in one basket” and I get that. But I would say “the riches in the niches”. Whatever you choose to go into, creating an ultra-high Value Ladder that eventually goes on to offer a 1 million dollar program or you just build another Value Ladder that goes up and offers a $100,000 coaching program. Back-Ends can keep [being added] or branch into a new Value Ladder. Just keep adding steps to go up to the million dollar range. You wouldn’t think there would be people that would say “YES” to that high of a price tag, but there are! You’ll be amazed once someone says “YES”. And they will, eventually. It’s going to be like that “Eureka moment”. That’s what you need to keep in mind throughout the entire equation. Everyone Has A Value Ladder (Even a Chiropractor) Chiropractor Value Ladder Now, a lot of people think, “Well, Value Ladders only fit in with the certain businesses. Like the ones that I’ve seen or heard you talk about Zach”. But that’s NOT true! There’s a Value Ladder inside of every single business. I prove that even inside of my books Sales Funnel Secrets. I even go into a mechanic’s Value Ladder & a chiropractor’s Value Ladder… which for a lot of people, I’d like to have you just try, just try to even have you think about ANYTHING you go to the chiropractor for, that isn’t an adjustment. That’s hard, isn’t it? You wouldn’t think there’s a Value Ladder in there, but there is. Every business has a Value Ladder! One misconception is that you already have a completed Value Ladder, and most don’t! See, everyone has to start somewhere. Most have a Front-End, some have a Middle, some are affiliates and that’s OK. Subscribe Now Subscribe to Learn My Secrets Learn how I communicate to my audience via email, then convert subscribers into buyers via sales funnels - and most importantly how I create a business that loses thousands on the front-end and makes millions on the back-end. Enter Your Best Email Address... SUBSCRIBE NOW What Are The Price Points? When you have a Value Ladder, you have to have multiple steps [, thusly] multiple values. [Your Middle] course may have to be six or seven hours, [then you can] charge $1000. Now that’s one-time and you can profit forever from that course you made. But when you’re making a million that, doing sales – it’s a little complex for me to explain it. But let’s just say – it isn’t your high ticket. Your Back-End should be a million dollar a year program, and you only deliver 40-60 hours of work for that pay each month. When most smart business owners hear this, they go “Oh wow! You know it becomes easy to leverage an idea like that.” But again, you have to least value yourself at $2500 / hour if you’re an expert, right? Take this a step further; if you’re an affiliate and you’ve even made a few dollars online. As an affiliate, you have affiliate marketing knowledge that I would say 80% of the affiliate newbies would like to know. There’s so few that stay past that 6 month mark or even the 3 month mark. Help them get past that month or 3 months. You have some expertise that all of these newbies would love to ascertain. Now let me tell you, they will pay 7, 12, 15, [17] bucks just to be able to get that knowledge and create the shortcut [for themselves]. SHORT ANSWER Front-End: Free – $497 Continuity: $7-$197 Middle: $997-$4997 Back-End: $11,997-$1,000,000 Success Hacking – What Is It? There’s so much that you can Success Hack, like Tony Robbins says, “If you want to be successful, find someone who has achieved the results you want and copy what they do and you’ll achieve the same results.” That’s it! That’s Success Hacking. For us, it is understanding The Value Ladder. There isn’t just the Front-End, there’s a Back-End, there’s a Middle and there’s a continuity. There’s even upsells. Everything that you do, is to push a buyer to your Back-End. Why? Well, your Back-End is probably going to make you about 60% of your profits. It’s simple math. It’s really easy to do high ticket sales and make a large profit [with low overhead]. I think there’s about 45% that end up [going into] the delivery process, from: the Open Office Hours, to the videos, 1 on 1, paying for plane tickets, paying my sales people, commissions, all that sort of stuff. Then I get to keep 55% of those as profits. That being said, all my promotions lose me money on my Front-End. You’re going to be losing money on your Front-End. Deal with it. That’s what an amateur focuses on! You need to focus on the Middle, the Continuity the Back-End! Let’s go back to the chiropractor’s Value Ladder. What do you think it’s [consisting of]? Just adjustments and… you’re coming back for more adjustments? I used to have scoliosis; very terrible thing. It’s basically a curvature of the spine usually around what’s known as L3-2 & 1. And it’s because of how I sit, I’m a desk jockey. My Chiropractic Parable So it was a terrible thing to go through. I went through about 22 chiropractors [trying to solve this], and it was my wife’s suggestion to try this one using a special therapy. [It’s] called The Activator Method. After, I think 3 months of adjustments, I was good as new. No more scoliosis, nice straight spine, everything’s been good since! [It was like a miracle.] “But outside of adjustments, [what else do you offer]” I asked my chiropractor. “I love what you do. You know, you made me a fanatic for life. You got me every 2 weeks, that’s fine. But isn’t there more? I want to give you money. I want you to make me better because I imagine that if you made this better what else do you have inside your head that could just improve my life?!?!” [Lone behold, he didn’t have a Value Ladder!] So what we ended up writing down was a plan. We understand that adjustments aren’t sexy. Besides, he was great at his career and had a full schedule already. No more hours in a day. So we created a Front-End, called M.A.T (Muscle Activation Therapy) and it was the same thing he used to fix my scoliosis, The Activator tool. SIDE NOTE Heck, I even have the tool [The Activator]. I know The Activator Method [and studied it]. I love it so much! I’m not a licensed chiropractor, but I got a certified, going through the schooling and courses. So this technique that was added, didn’t take any extra time. It was an adjustment almost beside the ones he already did. So it was an upgrade basically. With that, he was able to double the money made, without doubling the time he spent making it! You can do the same for a typical chiropractor, just add a masseuse who can tell when ribs orthe spine is out of place. They ask if they’d like to have an adjustment to keep the relaxed muscles longer, and a portion of them will say, “YES”! The Big Bang for a Chiropractor “Hey, if you want to make this adjustment even better, you can attend my Wellness Clinic. It’s a one week event. We’re going to come out here and learn XYZ. It’s five thousand dollars.” I said “yes” instantly. So did over a dozen other people from his clients. He instantly made $80,000+ in a single week. More than he ever thought was possible in that short of a time! The Wrap Up So again, there’s a Value Ladder for almost everything. There’s a Value Ladder for authors, do a quiz asking them what types of books they enjoy, then send them to a Free + Shipping book offer with an upsell for the Audiobook version for $37. Then a One Time Offer of the entire series for a discounted price. There’s a million different things that you can sell. You can even do coaching programs that teach someone how to do what you do. One cool thing about my sales funnels. When you do a Free + Shipping, people will give you their email first to get the book. Then a 2nd step will show up, asking for their credit card information in order to ship the book off. From there, people often leave. But guess what? Since they filled in that email address first, and clicked the “NEXT” button, their email can be used to market to them about finishing their order. I show you how to do this and more, including the segmentations that understand if they haven’t fully checked out. The system I use is called ClickFunnels. Sign up through that link to get my sales funnels I use currently. You can go to get a 14 Day FREE Trial and use a lot of the same templates I use. Bye, bye."

Hola Amigos! We’re (sadly) back home from our short vacation to Mexico and already missing the sunshine, beach and afternoon naps. I can’t tell you how much all these things are just good for the soul. Especially if you’ve had a long winter of snow and -30. (Canadians, I get you). In fact, it may have just been the best money we’ve spent on a holiday all year. If you’ve stayed north all winter, here’s a bit of encouragement to get you booking that sunny holiday ASAP.

[bctt tweet=”I could do with a beach vacation right about now! #mexico #sunshine ” username=”theglobediary”]

The booking process:

Last minute or in advance?

We booked last minute on the Monday, for a flight departing early on Wednesday morning. As Craig and I were both desperately in need of sun and a hassle-free holiday, it seemed like Sunwing Vacations would be the best option. You pay one price, they organise the rest. Included in our package was an all-inclusive meal and drinks plan; return transfers to & from the airport; and our accommodation. No surprise extras, and no worrying about meals (except maybe deciding at which resort restaurant to eat at each day). We did, however, have to pay to sit next to each other on the flight by pre-booking our seats (It’s a bummer but not the end of the world).

What Are Your Must-Haves?

The website is pretty easy to use. We narrowed our search down to adult-only; 4-5 star; all-inclusive hotels leaving on the Wednesday. We didn’t have any particular preferences in terms of whereabout in Mexico we’d like to go, so we just picked from our search results. But if you wanted to be more specific, you could definitely narrow your searches down even more.

Our Hotel Choice:

To be honest, Craig ended up choosing the hotel that we ultimately ended up booking. While the cheapest option looked okay, we felt better booking a mid-range hotel and paying the additional few hundred dollars. In the end, I’m extremely grateful that Craig thought it would be worth it. I would advise everyone looking for a hotel on Sunwing to check out the hotel sites and TripAdvisor reviews before mindlessly booking. Photos aren’t everything.

How to Choose Your Hotel?

While I take all reviews with a pinch of salt, you can usually tell which hotels are going to be winners, and which aren’t. What I look for in the reviews:

The overall star reviews

The first 10 reviews (which are usually the most recent)

The lowest rated reviews (to figure out whether these were genuinely bad reviews or whether the reviewer was hung up on an issue that wouldn’t affect us)

Lastly, photos (because I do like a nice-looking hotel)

The flight:

Like I said, we had booked an adult-only hotel, but unfortunately for us, that didn’t mean the flight was adult-only. Logistically, I understand why this is the case, but at the time, I really wished “adult-only” flights were a thing. We forked out to “pre-book” our seats prior to check-in to ensure that we were sitting together. However, if you aren’t concerned about where you sit, then you can save the additional 50 dollars.

Having flown 36 hour journeys (broken up into multiple flights obviously), we dismissed the 5-6 hour flight as “short” and did not come prepared. That was our first mistake. When you’re desperate to get on that beach, the flight time can feel like 5 times longer. Definitely come prepared with entertainment – the flights aren’t equipped with individual screens.

Lastly, there is food available to buy in-flight, but if you’re gluten-free like me, rather come prepared with your own snacks or buy a meal before you board. TIP: On your flight home, get a burrito bowl at the airport for the flight. But also get gum, for your onion breath. Your welcome.

Arrival in Mexico:

The airport is a bit chaotic, but the lines go quickly. Baggage collection, and exiting the airport was all relatively easy. Just after the exit you will find Sunwing reps in bright orange t-shirts – you literally cannot miss them. They will then direct you to your mini-bus transfer which will take you to your hotel. Our transfer took about an hour an luckily didn’t have multiple stops.

The Hotel:

We booked at Eldorado Sensimar Seasides Resort & Spa. Craig said it looked more like a tropical holiday resort than some others that we were looking at – that were way more modern and almost, too white. The reviews also were a bit more positive than some other hotels.

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The Room: 

Craig paid the extra bucks for the swim up room. If there is anything you should take from this, IT IS THIS: IT IS ALWAYS WORTH IT TO UPGRADE TO A SWIM UP ROOM! We really got our monies worth. Not one day did we have to wake up early and fight over chairs that had been booked with other guests’ towels. All we had to do was step out onto our balcony and relax in our loungers. There was also a separate pool bar off these suites. What a winner! (See Snaps from our InstaStories).

If you aren’t yet following us on Instagram, you should here! Our InstaStories can be quiet entertaining! 

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Caveat: We did have a guest perpetually smoking next to us which I was a bit annoyed about. No where in the room did it state that one could not smoke, so I didn’t want to fight it but it did mean that at times, I didn’t even want to use the balcony (that we had paid for). NOTE: I’ve heard that smoking can be a problem at a lot of resorts for non-smokers.

The Beach:

The beach was great to me, but Craig prefers waves. The sitting area is quite small but fits quite a few loungers on. We usually didn’t struggle to get loungers on the beach in the morning. There were canopies as well, but usually those were ‘booked’ by people’s towels by the time we got to the beach.

We did a walk down the beach to the next few hotels just to have a look. It’s actually quite a walk!! But it was nice to see the hotels. In fact, I found one that I might stay at in the future: Unico. It’s way more modern but it’s a beachy-chic.

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The Food:

The food was better than average. I dived into the seafood every chance I got and for the most part everything was incredibly fresh and healthy. They even had gluten-free stuff available!

Breakfast & Lunch:

We preferred the beach buffet for breakfast (where you can sit with sand in between your toes) or the Seaside Market, which is the best variety out of the lot. Lunchtime, we liked the Grill area where you could get burgers etc.

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Dinner:

You have to book at the Gourmet Pub & Asian Restaurant on arrival with the concierge to ensure you get a booking for dinner. Both were outstanding but if you like a good portion of food, be sure to order starters and/or (if you’re leaving room for it) desserts. The Mexican Restaurant was fantastic! And I wish we had returned there instead of the Italian or Seafood Restaurant. You can also eat at the Seaside Market Restaurant for dinner – which we didn’t do – but heard good things.

The drinks:

Obviously all unlimited, the drinks weren’t my favourite. I stuck with the Mojito or vodkas and Craig opted for Coronas. On the drinking note, there wasn’t much of a big part on the weekend that we were there. In fact, most people seemed to sit and watch. I wouldn’t call this a resort you come to, to party. But that wasn’t on our agenda anyway!

The Extras:

The gym on the Seaside Suites side was amazing! Music along with aircon was pumping, equipment was new, and the whole speak was bright and airy so it didn’t feel like you were missing out on much outside. If you desperately missed your Starbucks fix at all, you could grab a cup of coffee at the Starbucks in the Seaside Suites too!

The Naay Spa was out of this world. We were conned big time with a ‘timeshare type sell/talk’ but we didn’t mind as we politely declined the purchase, but enjoyed the fruits of our labour (time) by taking our voucher straight to the spa to enjoy a sauna; couple’s massage + facial, with a hot tub afterwards. Sometimes, it’s worth going to those talks – just don’t get sucked in.

Watch out for:

Smokers. It’s annoying for non-smokers to have to deal with smoke while you’re relaxing around the resort, but again, it was only a problem for me on our balcony.

Loungers being booked up. Either wake up really really early or book a swim up room.

Not booking Restaurants. If you don’t book the Gourmet Pub and the Asian Restaurant as soon as you arrive, you might miss out.

The tap water. Only drink bottled water. And keep sanitising your hands. At each restaurant, they will give you hand sanitiser as you walk in.

Would We Go back?

YES. While I usually like trying new places, knowing that a hotel is going to be a winner does help to ensure you have a relaxing and stress-free holiday.

Let me know if you have any other questions!

{PIN THIS FOR LATER}

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~ Leigh

Our All-Inclusive Holiday to Mexico With Sunwing Vacations Hola Amigos! We're (sadly) back home from our short vacation to Mexico and already missing the sunshine, beach and afternoon naps.

Chapter 1, part 1

              "Do you know why you're here?" The man with the magnified eyes shifted in his seat, wincing.

                "To renew my license?"

                "Not exactly."

                "Jury duty then."

                "No."

                "Well if your design team was going for anything else with that waiting room, I have to tell you they failed miserably. Was it a home make over show? The one with the Texans? They normally do much better work. More shiplap. And skylights. I was stuck in jury duty for 2 days straight once. And not in the actual Jury. They basically put you in a room that looks exactly like your waiting room-"

                "That's the rec room."

                "Waiting in a waiting room on fire. That song? Heard it? Stop derailing me. Are you timing my words per minute? The last man with the magnified eyes did that when I started sizzling. SO, the room is full of tvs and row after row of folding chairs pointed to a podium at the front. After the morning welcome address by a judge that drew the short straw, they pull down yet another tv in front of that one and put on cooking shows. No one is offended by cooking shows. The walls are lined with small tables for puzzles, actual jigsaw puzzles! Can you believe that? It seriously is exactly like this place! I don't know if they've realized how that looks, what it implies…BUT, the point is, you sit in there and can't leave for two days. That's what they pay you 10 dollars a day for. It covered my gas. Groups get pulled out 12 by 12, sit through a selection process with the prosecuting attorneys and the defense, then get shuffled back into the waiting room if not chosen. During my stay I wasn't even ever called into selection. Just sat there reading Nietzsche. And Nora Roberts. And the Turner Diaries. Can you believe they had a copy of THE TURNER DIARIES on the table? It was terrible! One of the books most responsible for death and domestic terrorism throughout the entirety of this nations great history and it's sitting on a coffee table next to Gone Girl and The Prince of Tides. I'm guessing someone snuck it in and the attendants are too ignorant to spot such filth. I brought in the Nietzsche. Have you ever read Beyond Good and Evil?"

                "Yes."

                "I don't believe you. But that's okay. 99% of the population wants to HAVE READ philosophy, but doesn't wants to actually READ philosophy. Especially Nietzsche once they crack open the cover and discover his vernacular. Anyway, jury duty looks like your Recreating in a Recreation Room on Fire. Has it ever caught fire? I'm guessing not. Are the walls made of cinder block?"

                "Let's not worry about that."

                "I would say you should definitely worry about that. Can you imagine how slowly all these caged vegetables would shuffle out in their little slippers if it went up in flames? The Jury Room attendants wouldn't be able to carry all of them I assure you."

                "Are you planning on more fires?"

                "No I don't give a shit about fires. I'm not about the fires. Those are means. I care about demons."

                "So you do know why you're here."

                "The Unboredom Blues."

                "The Unboredom Blues."

                "Yes."

                "Could you elaborate on that?"

                "You're a terrible doctor, no bedside manner. You're supposed to be polite yet probing. Like a proctologist."

                "It's okay if you think that."

                "It's okay if I think anything. You think you can wrangle any of that? My thoughts are a fucking bucking bronco. You' be off in a second. Are those jeans? You wear jeans at work? In a DMV for Christ's sake? Let me make this very clear to you. I will think and do anything I want here; you're not letting me out anyway. Just sit back and take your notes. That's all you have. Notes. And the authority to move me from courthouse to petri dish to institute to the street to jail with a stroke of your pen. I saw your signature and you can't even read it."

                "350."

                "I already took a number. You're not starting me over."

                "That's your words per minute. The average is 110-150."

                "Is that in the DSM V?"

                "No."

                "Okay, I believe you anyway. I invented that scale, I know the stakes. I used to speak slowly you know. They wrote that scale based on my transition. I started sizzling in my late twenties. When I wasn't drunk."

                "What are Unboredom Blues?"

                "How much time do we have?"

                "I have as long as you need. It's 1 o'clock and I have no more appointments for the rest of the day. Feel free to go as long as you need to."

                "So I have around four hours then. Not as long as I need. You go home at 5, correct? You don't live here. You have a home and a wife and kids. You don't live here."

                "Well, if need be I can stay late."

                "So five to six hours. Well anyway, that should be enough."

                "That sounds good then. I'm willing to stay, so please."

                "It's a disease, it's hell."

                "I've never heard of it."

                "That's too bad, everybody has it these days. Everyone with a cellphone. Which is everyone, except the homeless. Well, some homeless, many of them have phones.

                It's a void. How many apps do you have on your phone? How many, that is, that you check every day? If you're winding down for sleep, or taking a shit, or waiting at the doctor, or commuting. Watching tv but not really watching, in line at the store, recharging between patient sessions, on your smoke break, walking from a movie theater exit to your car, pulling up to a drive through window, "taking care of your children", eating, broken down on the side of the road.  You cycle through, don't you? You start with your favorite, everyone's first is Facebook, scroll through until you come to the last post you saw the last time you checked your phone, probably only minutes before. Then move on to the next. Maybe a news app, maybe photos, sports, whatever. Most people actually arrange their icons in order of what they like to check when they cycle through.

                Now, of course some of the content you're ingesting has value. Some of it is stimulating and perhaps adds something to…your human experience. It's educational. But let's be honest, 95 percent of it is garbage. It's click bait or sensationalized new stories you don't even read. You skim the headline, get a small dose of menial current events that you can bring up later in conversation with other people , who are most likely on their phones as well while you're conversing. It’s all hits of dopamine. We've become addicted, quite literally, physically in our brain chemistry. You scroll and scroll and scroll. Hit, hit, hit, hit, hit. And it's garbage. And of course you're fine with this, you don't want it to be anything more. That would slow you down. It would space out your hits and who wants that. The faster you go, the higher you get.

                So why do we do this? What's the root cause? Because of one terrible thing. Boredom. We can't take it. We actually cannot endure it anymore. Boredom is, in the modern world, intolerable. Not only intolerable, but painful. ACTUALLY painful. Have you ever tried to sit through just a tiny sliver of your day where nothing is happening and NOT cycle through your phone? Have you tried waiting it out? These days, we cannot and will not sit and wait for something to happen. We used to wait for things to happen. In the nineties, and before of course. If we were on the bus and didn't have a book, we looked out the window. If our kids were playing at the park we just sat, and waited. It was calm. And we thought thoughts. Thoughts that were not put there by something else. Thoughts that grew organically and came from our own cells, not satellites. Not demons.

                Flash forward to 2017. We consider this act of waiting a void. It's like deep space without a spacesuit. A terrible vacuum that suffocates. So the logical solution? Filling it of course! And what can we use? The tiny handheld boxes in our pocketses that know everything we've ever wanted to know. So take it on out! Take it out doctor and scroll through! Cycle through those top five until you've loaded up those pleasure receptors or until your plane lands. Well, it'll be awhile til you deplane, you've got awhile, keep it out. And hell, you can just keep scrolling as you walk! No one needs to look up these days. We've evolved a 6th sense guiding us like bats down hallways and streets with our eyes on the drug, not the road. As long as there's not sinkholes. That happens from time to time and makes the news. Usually caught on camera by someone else taping something in the periphery on their phone.

                The problem is that we fill it with an even deeper void than the boredom. Content that has no value. Uncontent. Articles that say nothing. Status updates about someone's dinner. Garbage completely devoid of humanity. Robotics. So, we've created a monster. This monster goes unnoticed to most, it hides in our synapses. It's something we've never seen before. Have you ever seen someone on inhalants?

                Unboredom Blues is a pathology. It is a filthy mental state we reach, a mental illness we contract. The boredom that we so hysterically run from becomes UNBOREDOM. It is not a cure from, or lack of, boredom. It is a mutation and bastardization of boredom. And it is dangerous. It eats souls, and is the reason I'm here. And I mean that literally, the soul eating."

                "You burned a Verizon store to the ground. That's why you're here. Do you remember that?"

                "Yes, I saved two people from sickness."

                "From Unboredom?"

                "Yes, there were two people going into that store with non-functioning iPhones. They hadn't been connected for nearly an entire day, and it was starting to wear on them. I stopped them from their warranties."

                "Don't you think they just went to a different store and got their new phones?"

                "No, I told them about Unboredom. I opened their eyes."

                "Did they listen?"

                "Yes. I saved them. I could see it in their eyes."

                "Rollie, those were the two people that the police interviewed in depth as witnesses. They said they were afraid of you. I don't think you changed their minds about their cellphones. They recounted to the police that you engaged them in aggressive conversation about your lack of lateral incisors, and how they lived in your basement, the teeth. When the employees of the store asked you to leave, you took your tools out of your backpack and set the desk on fire. This spread to the rest of the room and ultimately engulfed the building in flames. You refused to leave when the building was evacuated and the fire department had to pull you out against your will. They said you were about 30 seconds from being enveloped. Do you remember that?"

                "No. But that makes no difference."

                "Why not?"

                "Because I saved those women."

                "I'm sorry, but I don't think you changed their opinions about their devices. Rollie, that's one of the things we are going to work on here. I want you to accept that these ideas you have might not be helpful. They might not be grounded in reality. I want to work with you on that. Are you willing to do that with me?"

                "No, of course I'm not. If you can't get me into that jury box, I'm not interested. You have nothing to offer."

                "Have you considered that perhaps your fixation on this disease could in fact be caused by something in your mind? A condition that needs stabilization? That's what I'd like to help you with."

                Rollie didn't answer.

                "Rollie, it's clear from your records that you have Bipolar I disorder, and I believe you are suffering from delusions. These delusions have now become dangerous to you and others. That's why you're here. And you will not be released until we deem that you are no longer a danger. As I said, I am here to help you. I want to help you to see clearly and abandon these notions. They only hurt you."

                "Do whatever you like. I've been here before and I'll be here again. You are a pit stop and your help is hollow. Don't forget, you're sick as well. And maybe, just maybe, I will help you to see clearly. And set your little box on fire too. I see you fingering it in your pocket."

                "Are you satisfied with our talk for the day? Have you explained your theory to me in its entirety?"

                "I've said enough."

                "Well then I'll see you back here tomorrow, okay?"

                "I live in the end of the world at night."

                "We can cover that next time."

Unturned Cheat Codes

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