typed out a wholepost about how i constantly crave attention ornevencjust That Person. drafted it because i said waymore thwn i want people to see (i am haha unstable on here. buti dont want to. like. i dont want you guys seeing me just. unstable). stood up. realized imwearing my exes shirt. and now im doing even worse. so. haha feeing kind of unstable here

the first thing i really want to say, i hate being right. i really hate it this time. WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU BUCKY. I !!! WAS !!! FUCKING !!! ROOTING !!! FOR !!! YOU !!! I'll be calling you other names now until further notice. honestly, what more can I say? I basically said all the thoughts I had on my previous ask, and while at first they were based on theories, well, now they're not 😭 I'm not even mad at him anymore, I'm just so drained and tired of it all. Disappointed really. Just disappointed. I do know he didn't do the "<3" tho. Since Jethro went through his phone so she probably changed it herself. But that's the least of everyone's problem right now.

Like I said, if he had just confessed right off the bat, it wouldn't have been as bad, in my opinion at least. I mean, it's still a shitty thing to do no matter the semantics or technically, but it's the LYING. It's truly what fucks a person up. And yes with what you said!!! Brendon took so many choices away from Pocket!!! She was blindsided and manipulated to some degree and it's just. sigh. so disappointed.

Now, let me put my theory cap on because lol surprise, I have some. You said the first time didn't count. So something must've happened and I know you said it wasn't SA but sex pollen? could be? Or omg, something Hydra put because you know how they would probably want super soldiers to procreate even if it's against their will? What if Jacinta knows that code? and ..... shit, omg. wait. I just realized something. I really had to stare at my screen because this could be mind blowing but I also could be so wrong because this probably won't make any sense. BUT, (i know this will seem like i'm defending him but hear me out) if the first time wasn't his choice (not fully anyway), he probably still felt disgusted by himself that it happened. So, the second time, do you think Bob did it to punish himself? Like doing the act didn't give him any pleasure at all, just disgust and guilt and regret and actual physical pain? !!! TW !!! but kinda self-harm but in a different way? Because maybe in the back of his mind, he knew this would destroy Pocket, and the thought of that itself is so painful to him that, he did it as a way to punish himself? To hurt himself by hurting pocket? Which is a really fucked up mental gymnastic but idk okay, i have no idea how my brain works LMAO. He needs a new therapist my god. Or maybe he needs two. Or maybe I'm just way over my head and the reason the second time happened was because that was the time he saw the articles. OR could be both a mixture of both. And again, he had an actually devil in his shoulder. But still, to given in that easily. Weakass supersoldier if you ask me. Like I said, the whole "I did it for revenge" cuts differently too. Honestly just basically what i said on my previous ask hahaha

Sigh, I know there's something else going on. I know something was cooking underneath all that. I'm sure Jenny had more at play to this than Baker. I don't think she's that lucky that the universe just decided for everything to fall into place like that. I'm sure she had all the string. Like yes, I won't deny Bryan is an asshole, and he still did what he did. But still, no matter if there was something that happened that led up to the act (apart from the articles which is shitty on its own as a reason but he's a fragile weakass man so) It still won't change how he lied about it after. I do think the heaviest part of it, especially to Pocket, wasn't exactly the fact that he slept with Junia but the fact that he lied about it and covered it up.

I will add tho, as much as I am looking forward for Pocket to have her villain origin story, because she absolutely does deserve it, I'm just hoping she won't do something that she's regret later on. Though right now, I also have no idea how she's ever going to forgive him. We'll just have to wait and see as everything unfolds.

Honestly, I don't think I've got anything more to add. I'm just sitting here sighing and shaking my head as I'm typing this. Though I can't wait for the truth to unravel, because I really do have a feeling there's more than meets the eye. I'll probably pop back in if I have a new theory, but either way. You're amazing as always!

— Jnon 🤍

I think getting your posts are the favorite part of my day!

Let's address! I'm sorry you were right. I hate that you were right, but right you were. Pocket is also definitely drained and tired from it, too. Exhausted. Brutus definitely did not do the <3; he didn't even know how to unblock her. Venus Flytrap (going with a V-name this time, lol) did it all herself.

Part of what hurts Pocket so much is that Buckwheat knows her history, knows how much trouble she has with trusting people, and yet, he keeps lying. It's one of those "I lied because I knew the truth would hurt you," but he doesn't realize that the truth is so much more easy for her to digest than having to constantly wonder if he's being honest with her, just to find out he's not. One of the things they bonded over, early on in their friendship, was that they had had their bodies used by others, without their consent, so she thought he understood how important that was for her, and to have him make the same decisions her abusers did, by taking away her ability for informed consent, that's what's killing her. She thought he knew her better than that. Your theories! The "first time" doesn't have anything to do with sex pollen or Hydra. You are definitely close in that he felt disgusted with himself, which has a lot to do why the first time doesn't count. You'll have to wait until Chapter 27 to find out! It really was a happy accident for Jaeger Bomb that the articles happened. She didn't pull any strings, but she absolutely used them to her advantage. If they hadn't come out, she would have most likely come up with some other diabolical plan to get what she wanted. Pocket's going to face some dark times coming up, definitely. There will be a lot of self-destructive behavior and spiraling, but she's not gonna go full-on Thanos or anything (who could blame her if she did, let's be honest). The only person she's really going to hurt, going forward, is herself :( As always, Jnon, it is a pleasure. Thank you so much for bringing such happiness to my days <3 I love you!

ok bc people noticed my other post heres some more yay!!! im gonna try to make this more organized, i typed the other post on my phone so it was a little messy. 

reminder some of this is shipping stuff. theres also gonna be some serious topics in here ...

CONTENT WARNING!!!!!! tw for substance abuse, eds, talk of dysphoria (idk if i need to tw that but im gonna just in case,!!), self harm

- all of the mercs are autistic and queer in some way. half of them are trans too heres my hcs for that... plus some other stuff ! - scout: trans (ftm) bi, autistic, adhd, dyslexic. he/him. ! - soldier: pan, autistic. he/him. ! - pyro: bi, nonbinary, aroace, autistic, adhd. he/she/they/it. ! - demoman: gay, autistic, adhd. he/they. ! - heavy: gay, ace, autistic. he/they. ! - engineer: pan, nonbinary, ace, autistic. he/she. ! - medic: bi, aroaceflux, autistic, ocd. any. ! - sniper: gay, ace, autistic. he/they. ! - spy: bi (pref for women), transfem, autistic, ASPD. he/she/they.

- talking about spy woo!! i feel like spy would have ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) but she does know about it and medic helps him and acts like a therapist if needed :D! 

- (tw for substance abuse) because of spys ASPD for a while they were dependent on alcohol. i feel like it played a part in his relationship with scouts ma and he reacted to “this is very bad for her and [scout]” by leaving them without saying anything. i think that she really wishes the best for the two and means no hard feelings against either of them

- (tw for eds) i feel like that with snipers antisocial behavior and autism he gained a lot of anxiety, self doubt, and suicidal thoughts and behaviors. for a while he was almost completely dependent on the bare minimum (coffee and a few snacks every so often, probably) and didnt even really realize how destructive it was until medic pointed some of his behaviors out to him (privately, of course).

- (tw for dysphoria, self harm) scouts dysphoria was really bad for the longest time. i feel like he had no idea how to cope with it well, so he ended up self harming as a way to cope. he ended up using art as a way to cope instead, but he def got his surgeries done by medic.

- speaking of his surgeries, scout very much so appreciates the fact that medic did the surgeries for him. it may not look or sound like it but he is so glad medic offered to do it because it was one of the happiest days of his life

sorry for all the serious stuff... lets get a bit more lighthearted!! this is ship stuff x3

- ok for bushmedicine i feel like sniper did a lot of opening up so medic learned a lot of new things about him very slowly, but he LOVES every new thing he learns. like "oh, sniper just mentioned a favorite animal? thank you for telling me i will never forget it"

- engiespy... this is more of an idea i came up with, but i feel like engie confessed first, and spy was absolutely mind BLOWN that he had no idea how to respond and for once was just. shocked. and engie took it badly so then he felt really bad, and apologized... but he slowly realized he has feelings back, so he started hanging out with engie more (just checking in on him and seeing what hes working on) that eventually he just. told engie. who was super excited!!! (then they totally made out)

- sniperspy? hell yeah!! i feel like spy would be “totally shocked” that he likes this rugged, piss throwing, bushman. but yes he does love him... at finds him very attractive... which is new for him but he doesnt mind it because snipers hot ok. she would fight for him. sniper on the other hand was just? he just found spy super attractive, like “holy shit thats really hot, shes really fucking hot” but didnt say anything until spy said something first (because she was tired of waiting...)

- sniperscout?? yuppppppppppppp!!! sniper doesnt come around a lot on the days off, so scout took that as an opportunity to talk to him about stories hes already told the others. sniper (surprisingly) enjoys listening to him ramble, so scout comes coming around more often, and they just slowly grow closer. very opposites attract trope but i love it

im not the anon saying you had bigger issues but i think maybe what they meant is not that your ed is not a problem or even that it is not a horrible life ruiner but that eds are a way of coping with something. i do think for many people they need to find a way to unpack and deal with that thing they are coping with before they can treat the ed instead of just throwing themselves against a wall going BEHAVIORS FIRST BEHAVIORS FIRST. if behaviors first worked for everyone then treatment wouldnt have such shit results. same goes for drug use. something is making you starve yourself and it isnt just a brain thing- neurological studies just don't support that level of causality. it's possible you're so deep in the spiral now that you need to pull out of a nosedive before you can move forward but i really wonder if continuing to focus on the ed without trying to build a life worth living (centering your life around the thing that's killing you and beating yourself up when you can't full recovery) is harmful. for me i have found much more healing letting up on the ed focus and maintaining a safer level of behaviors (enough to be emotionally present and medically well) in order to unpack what i need from myself and the world. focusing on self compassion trauma healing and discovering how to experience joy. doing this has caused my need for my ed to naturally lessen and my behaviors decrease but i no longer have to structure my life based on an eating disorder

this is why I starred seeing my anxiety therapist, T. my ed started because I wanted people to like me and had (have) horrible social anxiety/avpd. idk. things will be different once I am done with this program and have a new therapist (keeping T not G). I think part of the problem is that I don't want to "grow up," have adult responsibilities, have a life, etc. I don't see a happy future for myself. building an imperfect life doesn't feel worth it.

TW for several things. I am an alcoholic and most of the time I don’t care that I am. I like getting drunk. I believe there’s a spectrum of addictive people but I’ve never felt guilty for my coping mechanisms. It started with eating disorders that’s how I coped with life, then I cut, and now alcohol. I don’t feel ashamed of these things, I like them. I’ve managed to cut out ED and self harm but not alcohol it makes me feel so carefree and happy when the rest of my life has felt like shit. I haven’t been happy in a long time and my coping mechanisms as toxic as they are, help, so I love them for that. Since 14 (I’m now 25) I haven’t gone an extended time without a toxic coping mechanism unless you count when I was with my ex who I still love and felt a purpose with. I don’t really have friends, I work and drink, I love my cats and family but it doesn’t feel like enough to care. I want to be special to someone who isn’t family. Idk I just don’t know what to do. I know my drinking has gotten to worrying proportions but I just don’t care because I can still function to do what is required of me. I’m scared because I don’t want to stop because I can trust alcohol to not let me down unlike so many things in life, and honestly after having depression, PTSD from multiple things, anxiety, and secretly being queer in a super conservative family, as well as being poor and disabled, I feel like I deserve an unhealthy coping mechanism. Before you ask yes I’m on meds and have a therapist I love but she’s so good and sweet and I don’t want to disappoint her but telling her the truth. This was a huge word vomit because I just feel awful and I want to stop being so angry at myself but idk how to do that without giving up my addiction.

Hey there,

It can be so hard when we despise ourselves so much that we feel as though we need an addiction to help us through life. I know it’s hard but I would encourage you to speak to your therapist about this, the likelihood of her being disappointed in you is very low (like 1%) as her job is to help you and support you no matter what you may be going through or experiencing right now.

I too have had/ still have sometimes the same self-destructive coping mechanisms as you and I won’t lie, yes it is hard to stop and it is especially hard to say goodbye to the drinking but if this is what you truly want then it is possible to stop. I do still struggle with relapses every now and again and especially when I face huge life stressors or just miss that high, but with the support around you it is possible to limit the alcohol usage if this is what you want. Another thing I want to quickly mention about talking to your therapist is that she won’t make you stop drinking or taking away any of your ‘coping strategies’ as this is only something you can decide to do, but she can help to support you through the process no matter what you decide to do!

Despite having your family and your cats, it sounds to me that you need something else to help to fulfill your life. So in saying this, do you have any interests in life, anything that you can work towards doing that may help to give your life some meaning again? I know that your ex was really helpful for you but unfortunately, we cannot always depend on others to help us with what we are going through/ experiences. Yes they can definitely be of some help definitely but in the end in life there is only you who can make the big decisions and finding the will to keep going no matter how that may look like for you!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren  

Please review anon's warnings before continuing.

note: I am not a mental health professional. I'm not aware of every aspect of your life. I may say something that isn't applicable in your situation. And, finally, reminder that I too am a human being with a past. Be respectful and mindful of that.

tw: su*c*de, sh, bad body image

-

hi wiyllt

im tired. exhausted. drained. i feel crazy and obsessive. i got my academic results a few days ago and wow i havent cried like that in forever. in forEVER. i bawled, lowkey wailed about them. the worst part is theyre objectively really fucking good marks. 96% is not a joke. i am just so disappointed in myself for them. worst part is school's plastered the toppers faces up LITERALLY every corridor, completely forgetting the fact that there was a student who committed su*c*de just two weeks ago, after failing their exams.

ive been so depressed its affecting everything. i feel everything in every way possible. i feel doomed with my friendships, with my relationship, my future, everything. i hate myself like this. last month i got back into my sh habit and everythings going downhill so fast. i want to feel okay again. bad body image has been plaguing my mind and ive been binging on food since last month. ive been crying so much and been just such a mess in school and at home. i am so fuckign depressed i dont even know at this point.

did i mention i havent gotten my period in twenty fucking days.

I'm going to address this bottom to top.

Your period is affected by many things, both physical and mental health. My period is always late when I'm stressed. When I was at the height of my depression, my period came about every 40 days. I thought I was lucky. No. I was fucked up. Your body pours its finite resources for what it perceives as a threat first before going back to its usual routine programming. Sometimes your cycle jumps even when you're perfectly healthy. In nature, there will be outliers and that applies to ovulation too. Just happens. Track your cycle and see a gynecologist if there is a pattern.

To break your self-harm habit, you must remove your tools from your presence. They must be thrown away or difficult to get to. The first step to breaking a habit is making it not easy to do. The second is redirection, preferably to a healthier place such as creation. But I'm not an idiot and I know it is human to simply just pick a differemt self-destructive habit. Believe me, there are many ways to hurt yourself and ruin your life. You must draw a line at this. Do not cross it. Every time you want to do it, write down every reason you want to do it. Burn, rip, mangle the paper. Destroy it until it's unreadable. Keep writing. You better have millions of reasons and none of them will ever justify you doing something like that to yourself. None. Remember this next time and every time you want to do it thereafter.

Yeah, I'm telling you to give up. This, specifically.

Yes, you will still make bad decisions. Yes, life is still gonna suck ass. Yes, you will treat yourself like shit in other ways.

I did.

I don't know anyone who can just stop being depressed. You won't suddenly become a born-again human unaffected by their past (idk, maybe you're an alien, not sure how their biology works, I'll do some probing and report back). Even now I catch myself in moments where I slip back into old habits and thought processes.

You are responsible for yourself. You are responsibile for the bad choices you have made and will make. I know that is not fun. That is not what we want to do. Hell, I have no idea if a certified therapist / psychologist / psychiatrist will agree with me on this, but I'm gonna give it to you straight - the one who has to deal with the consequences of what you do is you.

I spent a lot of time blaming anything and everything, especially life for dealing me shit cards. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask for two decades of emotional and physical abuse. But I did what I did. I did fucked up shit. Things will fall apart. You will cry and bleed trying to put it all back together and it might be in vain. You will wonder, when does it get better?

It gets better when you take a moment and ask yourself, "What do I want?"

Not, what are the impossible expectations I have for myself right now? Not, what does everyone else want me to be? Not, here's all the things that are wrong with me and reasons I cannot achieve anything of substance or value. Shut those up for a second. You said, "i want to feel okay again." You can't feel how you felt in the past and anyway, by now, you've glamorized it to something better than it was. Plus, "to feel okay" is a bit vague. Also it kinda gives off meh energy (sorry, but it kinda does). You need something specific.

"I want to repair my relationship with (insert here)."

This can be anything. People, food, school, etc, but you need to focus on one thing at a time. You need to prioritize what it is that is most important to you right now. Don't set a bar for where you want to be at a certain time. Only focus on improvement. Some things may fall to the wayside and that's okay. You can't do everything. When you feel like you're in a good place with one thing, move on to something else. Go back and check on it periodically and search for minor improvements.

It sounds nice, but it might not look pretty while you're doing it. Life is life. There will be setbacks. Every situation, aak yourself, "What is the best version of myself I can be right now?" Not what was or will be, but right now. That might be something great or that might be getting into bed and going to sleep. Sometimes it be like that. Do one more thing than you would if you were feeling just a teensy bit better.

"I'm going to bed instead of studying, but I will set up my desk so it's ready for me in the morning."

"I'll eat one less today. I'm still gonna eat it."

"I'm gonna cry right now. I'll do something about it after. But first I'm gonna cry."

Little by little decision, you can more forward to a place you are more satisfied with. There will always be hardships. Always. But you can control how you react to them and how you deal with them. It might feel like you can't but that's because you need to direct your focus on specifics - what you can do rather than what is out of your control. To be the best version of yourself is to actively understand that you will not always make the perfect decision. It gets better. It gets worse. You are a different person each time. You learn from your past. Do the best that you can right now. Prioritize yourself. Live this life as if there is only one.

Time doesn't come back.

Be mindful of the past and the future, but don't forget to live right now. You'll miss important stuff.

*sigh*

You probably don't want to listen to me ramble about today's mental health struggles, but in case you do...

So I finally came clean with my psychiatric NP about how miserable I've been (hair trigger temper that leads to full on sobbing fits and self harm thoughts) and had 2 weeks of blood pressure readings and she decided to taper me off a medication I've been on for literally 15 years. I've mention some of these things, but not exactly how bad it's been. This medication can raise blood pressure and heart rate (my resting heart rate is around 100, which freaks out just about any healthcare worker who takes my vitals), so it's probably a good idea to just go for it. She also wants to add a medication I took when I was in middle school (so we're talking almost 25 years ago), which I'm not thrilled about, but who knows. Maybe it'll help. Maybe it won't. Maybe it'll make it worse. We'll see, I guess.

She also wants me to try to shift my sleep schedule, but I really don't care to do that, so I don't think I will. Stubborn Coley is coming out when we talk about it next time.

It's just been really bad lately.

When I was out running errands this afternoon, I made a left turn onto a busier street where it's hard to see traffic coming from the left because of the parked cars and I almost got hit. We both swerved enough to miss each other, but god, what if we hadn't? My mind legit jumped to "I kinda wish he would have hit me." And that shit's really fucking scary.

Before I go any further, I have to explain that I really don't have suicidal thoughts because I'm an atheist and believe that when you die, that's it, and thinking about dying frightens me in a phobic way. Self harm, yes. Way too much lately, TBH. But definitely not suicide. So that thought popping into my head is really fucking scary and that's how I know something's really really wrong with me right now.

I also had therapy yesterday, so that wasn't fun. I talked about how I feel like I'm self sabotaging. Like I'm see how far I can push my spouse with my behavior. My therapist says that usually when people do that, they actually want out. IDK if that's really why I do it. If anything, it's that I think I don't deserve what I have, so I try to see how far I can push it so I can get what I actually deserve, which is clearly not someone who puts up with me as much as my spouse does. Nobody should really put up with me, but for some reason, they do.

And don't get me wrong: I reminisce a lot about the past. I can think of one ex in particular who I think about a lot. I know we weren't meant to be and I've seen recent photos of him and he did not age well. I mean, maybe I would have been ok with that if we had ended up together because it obviously doesn't happen all at once, but yeah. I still think about the random person who commented when I started writing in my LJ again last year and how they told me they read my blog way back when (and were a friend of a friend of another ex) and they said they were always "Team Rob" (I'll use his first name because it's a fairly generic name). I have such rose colored glasses about that time in my life. I have such fondness for how I felt then. But he knew his family would not approve of him marrying me and he made the right decision to dump me for grad school. But god, what if?

This is getting rambly. I just took my bedtime meds, and not the tapering dose I was supposed to start because I'm still a little scared. I don't want to feel this way, but I also don't know if I actually don't want to feel this way. It's strangely comfortable, in a

sort of way. IDK how to explain it.

As much as I hated therapy yesterday, I can't wait until my next session on Wednesday.

self harm, masturbation (brief)

god i don't know how to correctly phrase this without sounding like a masochist. masochist? sadist? no i just looked it up it's masochist for self pain or whatever, sadist is for others pain. anyway back on topic. i gain too much pleasure from bad emotions. or not that, but that? i don't know how to explain it correctly. like i willingly put myself through bad emotions and i ?enjoy? it. i've talked about this a little with my therapist when i showed up to a session right after crying a bunch. i had been listening to my uber sad playlist cause i was falling asleep and that would keep me awake but then i started like bawling my eyes out, i showed up fine for my appointment but i've been trying to lie less when people ask me 'how are you?' and she asks that at the beginning of every session. but she didn't outright say it was unhealthy but you could tell that's what she thought. but like the sad playlist is just one example, like i listen to that playlist at a minimum of once a week but i have other things that make me sad. whenever i find a piece of media that makes me sad i'll be addicted to it and wring it dry of any sad emotions it summons in me. fanfiction is a common one for me, movies that make me cry, i'll rewatch clips of the scene that made me cry over and over again. same with shows. songs too but i already talked about that. there's other stuff i'm not thinking of right now but most of the time it is media that i revisit over and over again. god, it's a wonder how i didn't end up self harming earlier y'know? like how did it take me this long to discover how much i enjoy the bite of a flame or the sting of a blade? i mean i dabbled in self harm before but now i've come to appreciate the more generic forms of self harm y'know? like the cliches are cliches for a reason. oh god, i met with my primary care today and i told her i was improving. improving! how the fuck is devolving into burning myself improving? and of course i lied on the little sheet and to her face, 'have you ever had any thoughts of hurting yourself or others?' yes of course i have but i don't want to be involuntarily hospitalized again so no i haven't had those thoughts and i've definitely not acted on the 'yourself' ones. but like the sad part is that i genuinely think i'm improving. like i've been having more frequent good days and better quality good days. but the problem isn't that i'm cutting and burning on the bad days cause the bad days are so bad, the problem is that i'm cutting and burning on the good days. like i do it because it feels good and i want to feel good. fuck, i make myself sad on the good days too because i'll go and purposely listen to my sad playlist specifically to make me cry because i like crying and i like feeling sad. idk man maybe i am a masochist. but i feel like masochism has to have a sexual component and that doesn't really have a part here. like yeah sure i'd be into some shit in the bedroom but that doesn't really fit into why i self harm y'know? like i'm not masturbating with one hand and cutting with the other y'know? they're separate realms of happy. idk man this post is too long and i feel like i've gotten off topic. i just, i feel weird for liking negative things this much. like i joke about how something on my bucket list is to break a limb, and like for the most part it's not a joke because i want what that experience. i want that pain, i want those doctors visits, i want the tough healing process, i want the itchy cast, i want all of it y'know? idk man rant over, i'm fucking mental. idk idk idk

ignore this pls. just need a place to get my feelings out.

mental health tw, suicide tw, suicidal thoughts tw, self harm thoughts and tendencies tw

its sad that i dont even know what to type. im just going fucking insane. i haven't felt this crazy since I tried to kill myself when I was fucking 15. like i feel like a fucking nutjob right now and it won't stop. i have no one to talk to, even if my "friends" say they are there for me, I know they tired of my bs. the last time I tried talking to my friend she fucking left me on read cause shes so tired of my bullshit. i'm so fucking tired of my bullshit. i can never get out of my goddamn head. and everyone thinks im fucking okay cause I act like the fucking class clown at work and make everyone laugh. when I want to just kill myself atp. i havent self harmed myself since I was 15 either but some people disagree on this fact. I have a problem with digging holes in my skin and my therapist definitely thinks its that or an anxiety tick. I only get one day off of work a week and my therapist was all booked up for that day two weeks ago so I havent seen her. cause its like my responsibility to actually make an appointment but like me trying to help myself??? lmao. nice one. basically all this shit was triggered by my fucking hypochondriac tendencies. i had a uti like 2 weeks ago and I don't think the antibiotics they put me on got rid of it completely so I went back and got another urine test done which of course, like I expected came up positive but it also said I had ketones in my urine which of course, having access to a cellphone with a data plan, i immediately googled what that meant. now im like 1000000% positive I have diabetes, even though the doctor said its unlikely. I made an appointment to get my blood drawn to find out for sure but as I previously said, I only get one fucking day off and now I have to sit and wait till next fucking Thursday to find out if I have it or not. I don't know how I'm gonna make it that long. Im already going so fucking crazy I don't know what to do. the doctors office said they won't take blood without an office visit first (money hungry much??) so I can't just go in and ask to get my blood done. And I can't go to the hospital because I don't even know what I'd say to go there and have my blood drawn. nothing really makes me smile anymore. what am I gonna do if i do have it??? what am i gonna do if i don't???? i need answers to my fucking questions and no one will give me any. im fucking nauseous, im shaking, i just wanna sleep 24/7 so i don't have to fucking deal with this anymore. Since i was off today, I slept the whole day. I would wake up for a couple minutes, realize that I did not fucking want to be awake and I went back to sleep. Eventually I was waking up every like 30 minutes cause I wasn't tired but idc, i wanted to be asleep. and now I have to go to work at 4AM and be the happy cheerful person I'm supposed to be so that everyone has a good day. Since I'm the boss, I can't be fucking sad or depressed. I'm so sick and tired of being crazy. Like im fucking exhausted from all this shit. Everything, everyday is becoming so much and I don't know how to handle it anymore. I'm on the highest dose of my antidepressants and an extra anxiety med, and Im like still like this???? why is my brain a piece of shit????? why am I a piece of shit??? like i derive all my happiness from other things and those things end and idk what to do. like BTS going on hiatus???? lol kms. Stray Kids are in America rn and I can't afford to go cause life??? I'm teaching myself a bunch of different languages and It's literally so pointless cause I have no friends and no one to talk to so like who am I speaking to in Korean??? myself. One part of my brain speaks Korean or whatever language and I respond in English. Our conversations are truly riveting. I would put the eyeroll emoji here but its only in my recently used on my phone and I'm posting this on my laptop and I'm too fucking lazy to go and find it. KinnPorsche ends in like a week and a day???? fuck bro. The only thing I have is Doctor Who. That show is my rock. Anyway this is just dumb.

Sunday, May 22, 2022 11:55 am

Hello it's been a while. Soooo I withdrew from school. COVID continues to get worse & school was requiring in person classes & I couldn't get myself to campus because I'm too physically disabled to consistently walk to campus while also maintaining my same work hours in order to afford to live in my apartment & feed us so...yeah. School is low on the priority list. I told my dad, he said to take care of myself so I think he understands ? Idk when and if I'll go back, it's all too stressful. Plus the in person classes followed a bit after my official autism self diagnosis & being in person was way too triggering. I have a good relationship with my siblings that I know of. They mean the most to me honestly. I just want to know they're okay & that they have a family member looking out for them. My father & his wife misgender & misname my middle sibling and it makes me feel uncomfortable because I've like tried to correctly name & gender them in front of their parents but it just goes over their parents' heads. It's also been a source of argument between their mom & I. I've talked about it on here before. I don't wanna talk about it except mention that we STILL haven't talked about that fight soooo fuck that. Work has been better! Not physically....and I could definitely be paid more but in terms of the social environment, it's better :) I'm no longer the only trans person at my job & that incited me to stand up for myself so now everyone correctly refers to me except one or two coworkers that are still working on it (though it's annoying & embarrassing for me because sometimes the customers witness it & I don't know what to like do lol). I would say I do a fair job of ensuring everyone feels respected & appreciated there, though sometimes that can be a lot of mental/emotional work to maintain thinking of literally everyone else but myself. My only selfish thing I do is i like to escape for cigs whenever I can but I'm literally on top of everything. Idk if I've ever mentioned but everyone at my job is very Neurodivergeant & we work very well together now & can pick up on each other's communication styles etc. It's really a nice work flow. But my body gets so exhausted. I haven't seen a doctor & idk if my dad takes me seriously about it. It's always "do physical therapy" or "get another job" and it's just like....you're missing the point sir....but anyway. My partner & I are doing well and I love them very very much and I'm so appreciative that they're in my life & I don't know what I'd do without them, anygay. Though father says or does some cringe shit I would say our relationship/communication is a lot better than before. I've been better at like just letting myself be awkward or quiet or to the point & just overall trying to be more myself around him. Very much related to tryna & autism, the difficulty of talking tk my father. But literally no one caught onto that....we had a therapist try to work in that with my & him when I first moved out. I didn't like her but I didn't know how to say that & i didn't want to start over. She didn't believe me about my anxiety & she listened to my father more than me. I'd lie to hear about self harm or suicidal thoughts/attempts etc. But like she never picked up that it was probably from all the missed time & trauma & masking autism (for both of us?). But my last therapist kinda picked up on it, but STILL she didn't mention autism! She picked up on my stimming & originally she didn't believe that i had BPD & she knew how I described my father (like a stereotypical white autistic man) but she never popped the seed into my brain. She encouraged other research but she didn't mention autism and idk i guess that it makes me sad that maybe she knew and maybe i could've started working in things sooner. Idk. I met her at a very tumultuous & overwhelming time. Idk if I would've had the mental capacity to take all that on at once tbh. But oh well.

Anygay, that was cathartic I guess. But now I've stayed up longer than I should :P I have to take a nap before work. Goodbye for now

Heavy Weight

Pair: Boxer!August Walker x Black!OFC Warnings: Mention of Blood, Mention of Bruising, Mentions of Depression, Mention of Abuse, Mention of Self Harm; Some comfort.  Summary: The various ways in which a man learns about vulnerability. Word Count: 1.5k a/n: This is some dark shit. Idk where this came from, and I’m sorry if it triggers someone. I tried not to be too graphic. More of the focus is on him than the relationship, if that makes sense.

________________________________________________________

  “Tell me... if I’m doing too much,” he sighed between kisses, “tell me if you need me to let up.” 

 She smiled against his mouth, placing a splayed hand on his firm chest, “I will.” 

“I’m serious.”

“I know.” 

The very first time he touched her, he worried that his hands were too rough with callouses. It was something that weighed heavy on this mind, so much so that it may have affected his performance. If she noticed, she didn’t say anything about it. She was too polite to do things like that, so of course she wouldn’t. 

Sometimes he questioned why she stayed with someone who couldn’t relax. She pressed her delicate fingers into the muscles of his back and joked that the tension could crack a diamond. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, allowing himself to fall deeper into the softness of her. This time, his  hands tangled into her thick curls as he placed kisses along the curve of her throat. She giggled, and it sounded like a melodic bell. 

He wanted to shield her from the world he came from. Women like her couldn’t handle the brutality of his life, and he wouldn’t blame them. It just meant that he didn’t spend much time getting invested. When she asked to see him fight, he shut her down immediately, claiming that it wasn’t her scene. It resulted in a small argument, and she conceded. But it was a hollow victory when he came home to an empty apartment. Eventually he offered a compromise: she could watch the match from home. It was the only way he could stomach it--he couldn’t bear to imagine her face in the crowd as he used the hands she loved for violence. 

And then he lost. 

And he came home bitter and tired. She reached up to brush his hair from his swollen eye and he flinched away from her before excusing himself to go to the bathroom. As soon as he found the strength to confront her, she pressed a bag of frozen peas to his face in an effort to bring the swelling down. He protested. She underestimated how much battering he could take, and he told her as much, forcing a grin on his split lips. 

“I’m a big boy,” he semi-joked, “I’ll be alright.” 

He wouldn’t touch her that night. He couldn’t. His knuckles were bruised, and his mouth was bloody. He was angry about losing, and he didn’t want to be held or kissed. Instead he spent the night on the couch, watching footage of his father in his prime. Every time she checked on him, he murmured that he’d be in bed soon, only choosing to go to bed when he was sure she was asleep and wouldn’t ask him questions. 

The second time she watches him fight, she calls him as soon as its over. The high of victory doubles when he hears her voice, and he just wants to go home to her.

“You did so well, baby!” She exclaims, “I’m so proud of you. We have to celebrate!” 

 Instead the crew took him to a bar without her. He lost count of how much whiskey he drank, how many girls he ignored, how many pats on the back he received from strangers. And as the night progressed, and the alcohol wore off,  the guilt hit him like a freight train. 

When he finally arrived home, she was asleep on the couch, curled up in one of his gym hoodies that fit snugly in some places and baggy in others. For once, he was glad he sobered up before he came home. He didn’t want to forget this image. He picked her up, and she mumbled tiredly into his shoulder. 

“You didn’t come home...” she sighed.

“I tried. I’m sorry.” 

He removed his liquor stained shirt and jeans, and crawled into bed with her, placing kisses on her forehead. 

“Don’t leave me behind, okay?” she said. He wasn’t sure what she meant. Maybe she was talking in her sleep. He swallowed hard and held her close.

“I won’t.” 

The third time she watches him fight, he loses again. And she watches him shrink into himself, live on national television. He came home bruised and battered, but he forced a smile on his face when she greeted him at the door. It didn’t meet his eyes, and she noticed. She made an attempt to ask if he was okay, and as usual he brushed it off as just disappointment. 

It was more than that, and they both knew it. 

Once again, he refused to touch her. She reached out to rub his back as he passed her in the kitchen, and he flinched, his shoulders tensing up. 

“What’s wrong?” She asked with pleading eyes, “Does something hurt?” 

He hesitated and sighed, “A little.” 

That was a start.

He held her hand as she led him to the bathroom, and he effortlessly lifted her onto the countertop so that they were eye-level. 

“Let me look at you,” she gently commanded, which brought a small spark of amusement to his eyes. He couldn’t help the smile that pulled at his lips.

“So you’re going to play doctor now?”

“Shush,” she cupped his face in her hands and kissed his crooked nose. 

She applied ointment to the cuts on his knuckles and wrapped them up with a kiss. His heart melted. “Looks good,” he said, flexing his hand, “I might have to let you in the locker room before the matches.” 

She smiled brightly at the compliment, “See! I can help, sometimes. You should let me do this more often. Y’know?” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, “Didn’t I tell you not to leave me behind? Let me take care of you, August.” 

Something crossed his features. It was the first time she’d ever seen it.

“Fuck, I love you so much.” He confessed, grasping her face in his hands.

He pressed a long kiss to her soft lips. For once, he willed himself to forget the events of the night. He wrapped her thighs around his hips and sighed into her mouth. She felt his heartbeat thud rapidly against her chest, and his breathing picked up. Suddenly she felt the wetness on her cheeks. 

“Babe,” she tried to pull away, but he moved to kiss down her neck, “Baby...”

He said nothing but pulled her closer to rest his head on her shoulder. Suddenly he hyperventilated and his body shook with sobs. Despite his comparatively massive frame, he felt so small in her arms as she held him and let him cry. 

--

It took some time to open up. She made the suggestion based on her own experiences, but it was ultimately his decision to take the leap. He was uncomfortable. He didn’t really like talking. But he was tired of feeling angry all the goddamn time. 

“Why are you a boxer?”

“I guess it seemed like the best case scenario? I’ve always been a good fighter. I might as well get paid to punch people in the face. It’s a better use of my time and energy.” And his anger. But that didn’t seem like something he wanted to admit. He didn’t want the guy to think he was a lunatic with violence issues. 

“How do you feel in the ring?” 

“I don’t know. Fine, I guess. Sometimes it just feels like a game. Like a strategy thing...I hate losing though.” 

He scribbled something down on his stupid yellow notepad.

“Well, that’s understandable. Losing sucks.” 

“Yeah, but it feels like an extra punch in the gut. I just really hate losing. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t even have my job in the first place.” 

Doctor So-and-So raises his eyebrows behind his thick rimmed glasses. 

“Why do you feel that way?”

“My job is to win matches. What the hell do I have to gain from losing them?” He chuckled bitterly, “I used to just let my cuts and bruises fester. Just so I’d remember how much the shit sucks and I won’t lose again. I feel like I only lose when I forget what losing feels like.” 

There’s a heavy pause after that admission, and the therapist scribbles something else down. 

“August, there’s no shame in failure. Why do you feel like you should punish yourself for human error?” 

“How else will I improve?” He automatically said. Then he caught himself, dropping his head in his hands, “Fuck. Fuck that old bastard to hell. I thought that shit was normal,” he admitted. “I thought every guy dealt with this. It helped you build a thicker skin. I don’t think I’d have the career I do if it wasn’t for him. I always think, ‘whatever these guys hit me with, I’ve dealt with worse from my old man’.” 

That was the first time he’d admitted any of this aloud. The feeling was strange, like a small weight lifted from his shoulders. It wasn’t much, but it was something...

haven't been here in a long time.

no one is going to read this and that's okay i guess. i think i just need somewhere to vent.

i used to spend a lot of time on this website and then it fell off but i deleted all my other social media apps because i feel like shit when i'm scrolling through instagram or twitter or facebook. i have nothing else to do and no one to talk to.

i've been in and out of treatment for a year now. currently i'm coming up on 8 weeks in this residential treatment center for eating disorders. i haven't been home for more than a few hours in 3 months. i want to go home so badly. i miss my dog, riley, so much.

i have a meeting tomorrow afternoon, hopefully, where i'll be able to talk to my treatment team about how i feel like i'm ready to go home and they'll probably tell me that they want me to stay a little bit longer. i feel like each week i tell them i want to go and they say "just a little while longer."

honesty i'm not sure if i'm actually 100% ready to leave yet but i have to go home. i have to. i'm going to be 30 years old next month and i'd like to actually be home for that. i need to be with my dog. he deserves so much better than someone who continues to dip out every few weeks. thank god for my parents who have been taking care of him, but it's not fair to them either. idk if i'm really ready to go home and do PHP virtually but that's what i need to do. i am feeling better than how i was before i came here, for sure, but i'm obviously not cured. i won't be cured in another 2 or 3 weeks either so i would rather go home now. whether that means being discharged or i leave ACA... i'm ready to fucking go.

i've been here 8 fucking weeks. i feel so guilty. my parents are suffering, my friends don't talk to me anymore, i have no one else. i need to go back to my life and i really don't want anyone to try to talk me out of it.

my outpatient therapist is currently on maternity leave tho so i'm not sure if i'd need to see the therapist covering for her or if PHP will be good enough. i'm scared about that and i'm scared about doing PHP virtually. i know virtual programming is hard for anyone, but i've tried it in the past with the IOP program at the hospital and it didn't really work for me. this is totally different tho because it's for ed PHP and i've never done this before, i'm not sure what it'll be like or how i'll handle it all.

i was majorly restricting before coming here. fasting for at least 72 hours at a time and eating under 500 calories a day when i would eat. i was compulsively exercising and abusing laxatives, as well as the continued self harm. my sh was becoming very severe again and my parents were scared. i was really sick. in and out of the hospital literally every couple of weeks. i don't even remember most of the past 6 months due to being malnourished and unable to think or hold a conversation or remember literally anything. i didn't realize how ill i really was until i started eating again here at res.

it's scary to think how bad it was and for how long. i don't want to go back to that. when i tell my mom i'm ready to leave treatment, she always says i have to be able to keep myself safe at home and i feel like i can but what if i can't?

i think that's something i'll deal with when it comes up. i'm doing a bit better with asking for help.... kinda. i'm definitely eating (6x a day) and i haven't cut myself in like a month at least.

i need to leave res and go home. i can't stay here anymore. i wasn't planning on being here for 2 months. i spent my whole summer in treatment and i just really really want to leave now.

tw: abusive parent, self harm (not physical), i think that's all?

looking for: advice and comfort/validation

Hi, so I'm a seventeen year old genderfluid girl, I'm bi and aro, I live with my super conservative and extremely queerphobic family. my mom especially is horrible about that stuff. They don't know I'm queer. Besides being queerphobic, my mom is super abusive, has been my whole life. I realized it was abuse when I was about fourteen. Since then I've gotten even less close with her bc I know how horrible everything has been. She never tells me when she's angry at me, but she'll tell other people about her problems with me, and then she'll randomly explode with a ton of false accusations that she spends months building up against me. It's so stressful living here, I have an anxiety disorder (I'm also neurodivergent and she's horrible about that), and I don't remember the last time I didn't have a weight in my stomach from wondering when she's going to blow up next. I have this bad(?) habit but I use it to survive in my house. I found my mom's email password, and I go into her email to see the emails she's sent to other people about me. This helps me know what she's angry at me about. When she's angry with me, she tells other people about it, but she won't tell me, she'll act normal around me until she lets loose that she's actually been holding something against me for weeks, so as you can imagine, I have this feeling that she's always holding something against me. Well it hurts. It hurts to go into her emails. Not for moral reasons, I really don't give a shit about that anymore. But seeing her say these things about me is so painful. Apparently my psychologist told her that all people with ADHD (I have ADHD) are automatically two years younger. So she was telling my therapist over email that "even though my daughter [me] doesn't know she's actually fourteen, not sixteen, I know it, and that makes it so hard for me". Most recently, she told a random lady that she's worried that I haven't made a public profession of faith (they're christian) and that I'm seeming more left wing.

I'm sorry if this too long, I'm sick to my stomach from the anxiety and knowing all the things she's thinking about me-- or at least some of them. I have to know what she's thinking to protect myself, so I can correct the situation before she explodes, but it hurts. Idk. I wish someone had taken care of me, ever.

Hey anon,

It makes sense that when you started to recognize your mom's abuse, you felt less close to her. It's hard to be vulnerable and trusting with someone who has abused you.

It is not okay at all that she is talking to other people about her feelings and issues, but not bringing them to you. If she is angry, she should express it in a healthier way. Try not to react to her behavior and know when to leave her presence. Sometimes walking away is the best choice.

I can definitely understand how stressful living in this environment must be. You deserve to feel safe, calm, and supported in your household. On top of the trauma of their bigotry, you're having to deal with her explosive anger and passive-aggressive approach. That is not fair to you at all. You deserve to much better.

It makes sense that you're feeling horrible when you see what she says about you. That would hurt a lot. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

It is incredibly unprofessional and simply incorrect if your psychologist told your mom that people with ADHD are two years younger. Mental age is an outdated, ableist idea that doesn't accurately describe reality.

It's concerning that she is noticing that you're more left wing and that you haven't made a public profession of faith. Your safety is important, and if you have any indication that you're not safe, please know that you're allowed to lie to keep yourself safe.

Here are some coping skills.

Here are some breathing exercises. Try to practice these when you're feeling okay, and implement them when you're anxious.

You deserve to be taken care of. Your mom should be supportive of you, not harming you. Your mom's behavior, thoughts, and attitude toward you is not an indication of your worth. Please remember that. Things will not be like this forever.

- Misa

talking to my mum last night and getting fucked up about the degree of trauma my grandparents' generation faced and how. unwilling and ill-equipped the care system is for the obvious fact that there's a huge incidence of PTSD and complex lifelong mental health issues in those generations

grannie was 17 when she became a nurse and she was working immediately in London at the height of the Blitz. her first day she saw blown apart children and had to comfort their parents. she was almost hit by a rocket cycling home.

grandpa spent the whole war in labour camps before being trapped behind the Iron Curtain in the ruins of Dresden, almost dead from starvation from the camp, for another 3 years before making it back to Blackpool to find out his parents had died in his absence.

granny got radiation sickness at 13 from being put under an X-ray with no protection and forgotten about for hours; she lost all her hair and developed chronic pain and health problems. after years of severe physical, emotional and sexual abuse from her family and the men around her, she got engaged to an American pilot who was shot down and killed in the last month of the war. her former boyfriend came back a dissociative shell of his pre-war self and she ended up trying to raise three small children on her own, with her family at the other end of the country and her husband often having violent flashbacks and outbursts of rage. she was suicidal and had violent psychotic breaks and got institutionalised and medicated on and off her entire adult life.

like. it isn't just the war. people born in the early-mid 20th century, especially women, have been subject to so much sexual trauma, domestic and social violence, bigotry, and grief on grief on grief.

with my granny, it's entirely understandable that she was 'mad'. when I knew her, she was on heavy daily dosage of lithium - she stopped because it was destroying her gut after 30 years and she became violently aggressive, vindictive, scared, psychotic, paranoid, frequently delusional and extremely abusive. She was terrified of doctors because of her repeated experiences with medical abuse, she was furious with everyone around her, she coldly hated her husband and seemed actively happy when he died, and the thing is all of that makes perfect sense because she was profoundly and repeatedly traumatised for at least the first 50-60 years of her life.

but the thing that worries and answers me is that the elder care system and the mental health system are completely unwilling to engage with the fact that many many many old people have severe pre-existing mental health conditions. after all, how many of us have PTSD or psychotic episodes or bipolar or BPD or special care needs related to autism or OCD or ADHD or whatever? those don't just Cease To Exist after a certain age. and our parents and our grandparents grew up in times with much less support for mental health and much less awareness of trauma. granny's early traumas were familial but she was institutionalised repeatedly and treated appallingly throughout her life and that's in itself traumatic.

when granny was 82 and she stopped taking her lithium, she was frail, ill and a danger to herself and others.

they put her on a dementia ward when she was sectioned because she was Old, and Old Mad People Are Demented. but she didn't have dementia! she had chronic PTSD and paranoid delusions but she knew who, where and when she was and she was perfectly sharp, she just wasn't coping. when we went to visit her she'd say furiously 'they think I'm like the other people in here but I'm not, I'm not losing my marbles, I've always been this way'

none of us got any support looking after her while she was in hospital or after she left the inpatient ward - nobody checked in on grandpa while she was in hospital or on weekend release, and after she was released Dad looked after her single-handed while trying to deal with his dad's death. (she may have murdered grandpa while on weekend release, or he may have died of heart failure - either way when she went off the rails after 20 years stable, he gave up on life and I me and my sibling (for the record we were 10 when she left hospital) listening to her trying to continue unpicking her past trauma was I think the most therapy she got after she left.

she couldn't go into a regular elder care home because she was too unstable, she needed specialist mental health care and she sometimes needed to be constrained for her own safety and that of other people. residential mental health care facilities weren't equipped to deal with her needs as a woman in her 80s. she couldn't go into dementia care, which is about the only residential care available for old people with serious mental health needs, because she didn't have dementia and it would have been utterly inappropriate and harmful for her and the other residents. she lived to 93 and for the last 11 years of her life it was up to Dad and us to look after her in her home because there was simply nowhere else for her to go.

and what really fucks me up is that she wasn't past help. a lot of people thought she was but when she left hospital she was trying really hard to continue therapy on her own without a therapist, she drew and wrote about her life and memories and she used to sit opposite me and open up in a way I now utterly recognise as trauma therapy, she would try to find ways to talk about what had hurt her and state into the middle distance for tens of minutes trying to get it together enough to continue. she wanted to do the work. but the only people there for her were her son who was shellshocked from losing his dad and traumatised from effectively losing his mum again and who was spending all his energy just trying to get through work and home and get her physical needs met, and a couple of preteen children who had the will but not the capacity to help. we were barely holding ourselves together (mum drove granny places but mostly her capacity was being spent being about the only support Dad or us could get) and we just couldn't meet the work of a trained therapist. and eventually she gave up on getting better and got angrier and more bitter and more abusive to everyone. but she wanted to feel better. she wanted to deal with her shit. but there was no support.

and there must be thousands of people like her. older people with lifelong trauma and mental health issues who are too mentally ill for elder support and too old for mental health support. and the MH system doesn't think they're worth the resource cost because after all they're old, they'll die soon. but where are they meant to go? and how much harm does unsupported home care do to the person in need of care and to the people carrying for them? it just multiplies trauma down the generations. you can't just expect mental illness to only affect the young when the old have been just as traumatised and you can't treat them as separate issues when old people need carers who are qualified to deal with both their age and their mental health issues.

like yes many people develop late life mental health issues like Alzheimers and dementia, just as many people become disabled for the first time by age. but a lot of people are disabled or mentally ill for decades before they reach anything approaching elderly, and those things don't suddenly go away and don't have the same support needs as late-life issues.

idk. I'm very angry. if there was recognition of the need to support older people with lifelong trauma then my grandpa wouldn't have died hopeless and unsupported, my granny might have got her life back and got some healing after 80 years of living in fear, my dad wouldn't have had his own mental breakdown and slide into paranoia and conspiracy theory, and me and my siblings wouldn't have lost our whole adolescence trying to shore up two badly neglected adults' catastrophic mental health while under constant fire.

literally a ten minute weekly phone call with grandpa while granny was in hospital and weekly follow-up talk therapy for her after she was discharged could have made so much difference but nobody fucking cared. because she was Old. she was in the hospital because she was a danger to the people around her and they discharged her for the weekend as a trial run and her husband died suddenly while she was in the house and she seemed totally unbothered and they still. let her out for good two weeks later with no followup care or therapeutic follow-up and no support or advice for Dad on looking after her. they started talk therapy in hospital and then dropped her abruptly and left her raw and cracked open without any way to put herself back together. and she isn't unique it's just. Careless. and so destructive.

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

list of hotlines

coping with depression

coping with suicidal thoughts

so you feel like shit?

template for creating a safety plan

I'm so tired of living like this. Some people actually want this? They actually want to be a system? They think this shit is easy and role-play a literal mental disorder for fun? Wtf? It's not that I hate my system, I love my system, what I hate is our trauma, misunderstandings, lack of communication, cptsd, and none of those are my systems fault they're just things we're working on but it's going to take such a long time. It's a disorder for a reason, my life is a mess all the time. I live in a constant mess and I can never get my shit together and do everything I need to because I'm severely traumatized and at a disadvantage compared to other people due to my issues. I hate living like this. And its not like we're a big happy family either, there's arguments over every disagreement, there's headmates who lash out at other alters by harming the body or sabotaging our life in some way, and people in my life think its helpful for me and them to be mad at those alters like that fucking does anything but make things worse. Like it's just as simple as talking to my system. Like I can just go 'hey guys don't do that again' and all of them be like 'okay'. I mean if it really was that easy don't you think I would've tried it? If it was that easy my life wouldn't be completely shit so please tell me a solution that can actually be helpful. Please stop yelling at my alters for self harming or doing something harmless that you don't like. I'm not saying you're not allowed to be mad, I'm saying yelling at a traumatized person who is suicidal and just hurt themselves puts all of us in danger and as you can imagine, makes things so so much worse. Idk where people in my life got this idea that they have a right to tell me how my system should function and communicate, tell me to 'keep the bad ones away', tell me that we should tell them everytime we switch and all of our names and be able to know who's fronting all the time, why is it that people feel they have an entitlement to that? If you're not literally in our system then I don't give a fuck about your opinions on how we should do things and how things should work and should be. I feel like I could scream. I'm just at my limit. Please let us just exist and figure out our own shit, stop thinking you're helping at all or giving us good advice when clearly you have no idea what you're talking about. We speak with a therapist who specializes in this stuff, who has worked with many systems for years, do you really think im going to listen to you, an unprofessional who knows only as much as I've told them and never tried to do research themselves? Yeah I think we're just going to work with our therapist thanks.