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spicybylerpolls · 2 months

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WOW that lumax sex scene was such a killer ask!

i too have thought about that, and never said anything lol. this is also my first ask on this blog... uh, hi! *nervous wave* long time lurker, first time caller lol

so i voted number 4. "it would not make sense for their arcs."

and it got me thinking about all the bylers who dont think a sex scene would be necessary for mike and will's arcs.

firstly, i think a lot of that is compensation: people acknowledge that sex and sexuality is very important for will especially, but that a kiss scene 'will suffice'. which implies subsidisation and euphemism, aka a kiss being metaphorical for a sex scene. they used to do this in old hollywood with dancing (sex) and smoking (fellatio). in 2025, it might seem a tad tame. and possibly disrespectful to the queer arc itself. why hide gay sex unless you, or your audience, would be repulsed?

or perhaps its because you the viewer feel shame and some accidental internalised homophobia at the idea of seeing gay sex, so you stop with a kiss?

which leads me to my second thought.

internalised homophobia is still very much a thing for people of all orientations even if they are openly queer/an ally/love gay stories. there is some leftover prejudice that probably wont be gone until well into the future, when gay love is a fully integrated part of society. as much as it might seem disrespectful to the queer community, i want to say as kindly as possible that i love to see gay stories in this transitional era we are living in: an era when they are still controversial. its thrilling to watch the excitement and forbidden-ness that still, unfortunately, exists for a gay love story. taboo makes for excellent and groundbreaking storytelling, because it creates conflict in the viewer as well as between characters.

back in the day, class divide (upstairs downstairs) was the go-to taboo in love stories, followed by racial divides (such as save the last dance from the early 2000s). nowadays, stories with interracial couples can still be controversial, but the prejudice is rightfully fading.

less progress has been made with gay stories yet.

so this is interesting for lumax isnt it? why did anon choose this couple and not dustin and suzie as a comparison? or even mike and el? and its extra interesting because lumax are an interracial couple in the 80s, so a compelling story about their place in society COULD have been elaborated on what with billy in s2, and that could have led to a sexuality arc. i mean, it still could.

and my third point is that a natural human response to seeing sex/sex on tv/simualted sex/fictional sex bla bla bla, is arousal. just as a happy scene hopes to make you laugh, a sex scene has to acknowledge that it may well arouse an audience as well as make them feel other things for the characters like joy, relief, satisfaction, comeuppance, justice, and a sense of peace. the question is how the duffers might frame a mike and will sex scene: there are lots of options. it probably would be sweet, romantic, a little awkward. the aim for the audience would be relief, joy, a sense of justice and happiness for these characters moreso than titillation. this would be a way to do a cool sex scene that speaks of coming of age rather than the male gaze or american pie style shock factor.

i also think a part of it is how the actors appear and how their characters appear in the show. for example, lucas is steadfast and strong, a fighter. it wouldnt be totally odd to see him in a sexual light, like it would for someone like murray.

meanwhile max's story is taking her to a place of deep vulnerability, so at the moment sex only seems appropriate as a way for her and lucas to physically communicate their love to each other. communication has been part of their arcs with the letters, and 'im right here' is a statement about physicality as well as emotionality.

dont you think these two character descriptions sound similar to mike and will? a fighter, and a vulnerable character? miscommunications?

max had a fantastic arc that explored her mental health, and it involved lies, but she didn't have any sexuality associations. lucas was associated with sexual imagery a lot more obviously than dustin even, with the 69 sign and the things under his bed.

but mike and will have both been associated with blatant sexual imagery - mike moreso than will independently, unless you count the metaphorical monster stuff - and their story at the moment is also partly about unrequited (paha) love and sexuality. of course they could resolve this arc with just a kiss, but that would not stop the implication that more will happen off screen.

it would instead simply look like a clipped story, cut short for coy censoring purposes rather than storytelling ones, to appease an audience who may be repulsed not only by a gay love story with sex, but by these two particular characters (and by extension, actors) portraying it.

the most important thing is that every scene serves the story. if the duffers think that us seeing mike and will get jiggy with it (sorry, im tired), then we will see it. so if you can think of any good reasons why it might add something to the story to see this, then there is a good chance we will see it.

the only question to ask yourself after that is... even if it would add something to the story to see mike and will have sex, would i still be uncomfortable with that? and why?

i wouldnt be uncomfortable - it should happen and i want to see it

it needs to happen for the story, and i am both uncomfortable and also excited, its a weird mix

it needs to happen for the story but i am still uncomfortable, because of not wanting to see these actors despite the fact they will be grown

it needs to happen for the story but i am still uncomfortable, due to some leftover internalised homophobia which i still unfortunately have (no shade! we all do sometimes)

i really dont think it needs to happen for the story - a kiss would tell us everything we needed to know, the audience can piece it together, but i wouldnt be uncomfortable seeing it

it doesnt need to happen for the story, and im glad of that because i would be uncomfortable seeing these actors despite the fact they will be grown

it doesnt need to happen for the story, and im glad of that because i would feel uncomfortable due to some leftover internalised homophobia

i am uncomfortable for other reasons like not enjoying watching sex on screen

i am uncomfortable because i think the actors would be uncomfortable performing it

Please note that the purpose of this blog is not to be creepy or to make anyone uncomfortable. That's why I created the #spicy byler tag (I will tag all polls with this). If you don't want to see this blog or anything related to it on your feed, please block that tag. Not everyone is comfortable with this sorta stuff, and that's okay.

#byler #spicy byler #mike wheeler #will byers

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bridgyrose · 11 months

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What if Cinder got yeeted into the void/ever after, either through Neo betraying her or Jaune/some other opponent getting a lucky shot in?

If you intend to make this fallen petals, please don't bother. I've got that ship filtered.

Cinder stared up at the sky as she laid down on her back, trying to remember everything that had happened to bring her here. Wherever here was. Everything had gone according to plan: Ruby was gone by Neo’s hands, Neo was taken care of with no loose ends, the rest of Ruby’s friends had been picked off one by one and Winter… of course that robotic maiden wouldnt give her the maiden powers and handed them straight to one of Atlas’ elite.

She picked herself up and looked around the paper forest she had found herself in, everything coming back to her. The feeling of the ice that had encased her for a brief moment until she could thaw herself out still lingered across her skin. Her grimm arm, which had been severed, seemed to have stopped growing and moving, even the faint whispers she had heard from it seemed to have quieted in whatever world she ended up in. But if she was here, then that would mean Ruby and the others that fell would’ve survived as well.

Fire started to engulf Cinder’s hand as her eyes burned with the maiden powers, the very thought of Ruby being here and not dead caused the rage in her heart to burn as she placed her fiery hand against one of the paper trees, watching it burst into flames. She pulled her hand away from it and the flames disappeared as she heard a voice behind her.

“I dont think I have ever seen someone like you around here before. Especially with such peculiar powers.”

Cinder turned around to find a cat behind, watching her movements. “And you are?”

“Why I’m the Curious Cat,” the cat answered as it seemed to bow down in front of her. “Though the more important question is who are you?”

Cinder paused for a moment and looked over the cat, not sure how to feel about it. She knew something felt off about it, but she couldnt seem to place her finger on what. “Cinder. And I need to get back to Remnant.”

“Remnant you say?” the Curious Cat said with almost a twinkle in its eyes. “I can get you back to Remnant, but we’ll need to get to the tree first!”

Cinder looked around the forest and her eyes came across a large tree towering in the distance. “And how do we get to that tree?”

“You dont go to the tree, the tree comes to you. Well, unless you’re me you see.”

“Then you can take me there.”

“I can, but you’re going to need to tell me a bit about yourself on the way there.” The Cat jumped up onto a rock with the front half of its body, leaving the tail end behind. “Afterall, I am curious about how a human such as yourself has made it to the Ever After.” The cat paused for a moment as it saw the grimm arm on Cinder. “And what exactly happened to you.”

“I dont have time for this!” Cinder growled as her hand lit on fire once more. “Take me to the tree! I need to get back to Remnant before Ruby and her friends do!”

“There are others that came with you?”

“Not with me, before me.” Cinder growled and started to walk off. “I dont have time for this. Get me to the tree so I can get back to Remnant!”

The Cat almost seemed to smirk as it pulled themself together and started walking. “Its still a long way to the tree, and a few stories will help pass the time quicker! You can tell me all about your friends-”

“They’re not my friends!”

“Acquaintances?” The Cat asked. “Either way, I’m sure if you tell me more about them, we can find them and get you all out of here together.”

Cinder frowned, then thought for a moment. If she was right and Ruby ended up here too, then killing her here would get her out of the way. And then, once she returned to Salem, she could deliver the unfortunate news of Ruby’s demise. Her frown slowly changed to a smirk as she looked at the Cat. “Alright, I’ll tell you about the other humans that fell as well. And you can help me find them too, right?”

“Of course I can! Just tell me what they look like and I’m sure I can bring you to them!”

“Then we better get going.”

#rwby #cinder fall #drabbles #Ever After in cinders au #Ever After in cinders

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ratgingi · 1 year

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thinkin abt lilliths route so have some general thoughts on it and also facts abt charlie and lillith

for the shit yourself and die end charlie Will rock the players shit regardless of how theyre treating lillith outside of his questions . you could be on a path that would otherwise lead you to the good end and be treating them perfectly fine but if you tell him hes not allowed to spy on the dates he Will come beat your ass anyway because he feels youre untrustworthy. because why else would you not want him coming along right /s

also while lillith spends a Grand Majority of their time at the morgue, they own a house Somewhere. charlie is the only person who knows where it is. speaking of charlie he actively lives At the morgue, theres a locked door in his office that leads to a kinda suite-like area that he stays in. when hes not in there the key to it is kept in one of his desk drawers but if youre not one of the two workers there at the morgue and he catches you trying to get in he Will eviscerate you

i wanted to maybe have a scene where you sit charlie down and be like hey. lillith is literally almost 30 chill out with the helicopter parenting but i realized hed weasel his way out of it . the route isnt about fixing him anyway so its fine hes good as he is methinks /j

also there is technically an (1) time where lillith would actually Speak . and its in their bad end in which they chase the player out of the morgue. they would have exactly one (1) line of telling the player that theyre nothing to them before they attack . but its important to note that if the route had any sort of voice acting this would be the time its used and it would be So Fucked. lillith doesnt speak because they have damaged vocal chords and doing so is Incredibly Painful for them. so if it were to be voice acted it would sound incredibly strained and raspy and horrible

despite being Like That neither are outwardly violent unless pushed past a certain limit. usually charlie doesnt want to bother putting the effort forward and lillith has a good amount of restraint on their physical outbursts when they try. they both prefer psychological violence over physical

it would be pretty clear through the route that charlie does care a lot about lillith and kinda just wants whats best for them he just unfortunately has a really borked way of going about it. hes not about to try and hide that either if you asked him about it hed just be like "of course i care for them :) thats my assistant theyre like an offspring to me". lillith views him as a dad too except they wouldnt ever let that on via words or anything as they pretty much exclusively call him their boss/mr steiner and only really act casual with him when its just he and them hanging out but yk thats how it is

#dialogue #jack dlc #dlc wiki

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pluviophile-imagines · 3 years

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Could I ask what your sexuality headcanons are? I love comparing mine with other peoples’!

Ok second half of this; this is just like. non-students who i Actually have thought about HJBAFV not at all a comprehensive list. Again disclaimer i write all these chars as bi in my fics, also i am bi myself so the vast majority are also bi, and also leaving a lot of these vague so u can imagine ur favorite ship or urself or w/ever

ok lets start this off with Aizawa. I think....... hes another one who's rlly unlabelled, doesnt super care to think it through and define it, but calls himself gay bc his interest in women is very, very rare and it's just way easier to say than explain all that. Definitely do buy into the idea that he had a crush on Oboro in hs but i do NOT buy into the easermic agenda sorry. Definitely not someone who goes looking for dates, but doesn't say no if someone asks him and hes interested (also im not gonna give her a whole section but i saw a hc a while back that the Ms. Joke stuff is literally that shes a lesbian and hes gay and shes fucking with him and i love that so much i just wanted to put it out there)

on the topic of the erasermic agenda: Hizashi's pan and knew it before HS, had a sudden & intense crush on Aizawa for the first month they knew each other and then immediately got over it in favor of a similar sudden, intense, and then immediately fading crush on Midnight. Hizashi and Aizawa r just rlly good friends imo; maybe they messed around for a bit in their twenties but it never went anywhere serious. He dates around a lot, not even necessarily to settle down just to have some fun

Midnight is aro/ace but does get in qprs & gravitates towards women wrt that. Most people dont read vigilantes but theres a woman in that, Kazuho, who i imagine she's been in a long-term qpr with; her relationship with aizawa and hizashi leans a little more towards a qpr than a normal friendship, too, but it's not rlly defined that way

All Might is married to justice queer but v much not interested in relationships. He and that one guy from the first movie are ABSOLUTELY exes and i won't hear otherwise; it's the only relationship he's ever had, and they broke up bc he had to go back to japan. He was heartbroken but did eventually get over him; his lack of romance afterwards is from genuine disinterest and not being hung up on his past. I can see him finding someone else in his later years, after he's retired. Definitely feels like he's not worthy of it tho

Hawks is bi but unfortunately didn't get to figure that out until like Now in the timeline...... if youll let my dabihawks history shine through i think dabi was the reason JHBASFGJHB he was basically brainwashed by the commission to become a hero so he didnt have time to Figure That Shit Out; he knew he was into women bc that was easy & what the commission expected from him but then he started this undercover assignment and met dabi and realized Oh...... Fuck. Hawks is hard tbh, bc i think between the control that the commission has over him and his own convictions as a hero he doesn't pursue any romance (tho he does get crushes or find people attractive) and most of his flings are done to keep up his prettyboy act, not out of genuine interest in being a fuckboy. Can't imagine him having a relationship until well after canon but I do see him being interested eventually

Onto the villains, Shigaraki is unlabelled but probably would call himself queer if asked. Definitely admires women more but isn't very interested in romance; AFO actively encourages him to pursue the things interested in so imo if he were he'd talk abt it more lmfao. I kinda see him as demi as well, not the type to fall immediately but requiring a friendship beforehand; tho unlike Bakugo as i said in my last post I dont think it happens suddenly but rather slowly. Y'all know im a big fan of shigaraki being absolutely whipped for his s/o so i do thing hes a big piner, tho he's also pretty bold and unashamed of his affections. I'm a big fan of him falling for a member of the league or a civilian; definitely can't see him falling for a hero unless the hero was already halfway to turning sides already. I think he's also attracted to intelligence and someone who pushes him to think more abt his ideology...... maybe im just projecting at this point JSHDFBVAJKSHD but my point is that the gender of his partner is definitely the least of what he considers/notices

Dabi is bi and, here's my bold take, demisexual; not interested in sex unless its with someone he loves. Absolutely doesn't even think abt romance for most of the years where he's on his own. He's got revenge to plan. By the time he joins the league that hasn't changed much, and he's demi so he's not interested in sleeping around, plus he rlly denies any attachment to people at all. As I said in that other ask tho I do rlly like the idea of him with Magne, so I think they have a fling for a bit before her death :( it's one of the things that leads him to isolate himself further, unfortunately, even from Jin and the other League members with whom his relationships aren't romantic. I can see him dating someone post-canon bc i think hes gonna be redeemed lol. It could be someone he knew before but they probably didnt date again bc he was v guarded; i think magne was rlly the only person he dated

Magne is pan and heres the kicker: I think shes t4t, which led to a little moment just before she and dabi got together where he was like "she wouldnt be into me :/" but she was into him anyway so all was good. She got around in her circles, mostly casual stuff tho she yearned for something more serious.

Spinner's bi & trends towards women but does occasionally get things for men and they're almost always intense. He thought he was straight for a while even once he joined the league and then suddenly got a crush on Shigaraki (around the time of MVA) and realized otherwise LMFAO he's definitely a hopeless romantic type, the whole mutant prejudice thing makes it rlly hard for him and i can see him being rlly happy with another mutant-type; i feel like as he matures he starts to gravitate towards them

Toga is canonically pan to my understanding, iirc her interest in Uraraka and Deku is the same (and romantic) in canon tho i might be wrong. Poor girl just needs therapy. I like the idea of the two of them becoming her friends over her being involved with them but i totally can get behind her having a thing with Uraraka (and maybe Tsu) at some point post-canon (presuming she gets redeemed), tho I think a qpr between the two/three of them would be longer lasting. And again presuming she gets therapy i can see her settling down with someone, gender irrelevant

Jin is unlabelled bc he hasn't much thought abt it, definitely had a thing for dabi and for hawks which does make me sad on both counts. I think he likes women slightly more abstractly/aesthetically and gets crushes more on men,. The dabi thing fades as they get closer and start to view each other as brothers. In his later years he doesn't rlly care about romance, I think he enjoys the experience of crushing but doesnt like dating people; his found family in the League is far more important to him. But i can see him falling head-over-heels for someone quite suddenly and having a bit of a whirlwind romance. Also someone for whom gender isn't much of a factor

Mr Compress is also queer and also hasn't rlly thought abt it. Definitely leans more towards women; he's like 30 but i like to think he also goes for older partners, 10 or 15 years his senior KJBADSJFHB idk he just has that Vibe with the way he calls himself an old man etc. A lot of the league i cant see sleeping or dating around much, i feel like they prioritize each other, but I do think mr compress gets around more than the others. i can see him having a bit of a fuckbuddy who he catches feelings for

Kurogiri is fun; as Oboro I do think Aizawa's crush was reciprocated, tho he wasn't around long enough for them to act on it :( he's bi, tho kurogiri isn't supposed to have personal interests. I like to imagine the brainwashing isnt as good as AFO wants it to be tho so I like the idea of him falling for someone anyway. I also like the idea of the heroes managing to undo the nomufication and I 100% can see him, aizawa, and someone else (someone he was involved with as Kurogiri) ending up in a triad as a result of aizawa and the third partner helping him through the aftermath of all that shit

Lady Nagant is a manga-only minor character but im in love with her so imma talk abt it. Shes bi and leans VERY heavily towards women, probably spent years questioning whether she was rlly bi or a lesbian before finally having a fling with a guy that she genuinely enjoyed. Has only ever been in long-term relationships with women and I v much think she has a gf at home who stayed even when she was arrested 🥺

Finally imma talk abt Natsuo bc i love that boy. He's one of the few unmarried chars with a love interest and he canonically has a gf. I do see him as IDing straight in canon ngl, but the kind of straight where he might actually be bi but his preference leans so heavily towards women and he grew up in a bad home so he just doesnt rlly think abt it bc hes v happy with women anyway. In shiganatsu thoughts shigaraki is the first man he has a thing for; i rlly can see the two of them in a triad with a woman specifically, who helps the two of them find each other and is the one who initiates bc its definitely a weird situation for natsuo

#ask.🌧#anon #pattering on the roof #char.🌧 multi #again these r just the ones ive thought about so sorry if i didnt bother with any chars u care abt ajkhsfbgsjdhfb #thank yall for asking LMFAO any excuse to ramble abt this shit #it does impact the way i write these chars #obviously #bc this is meta more than anything else and so is fanfic lol

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handonshipper · 4 years

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A Twist Through Time: Chapter One

Hope was usually a great fighter. An excellent fighter even. However, when it is her friend that is attacking her, she does not fight back as strongly. She doesnt use her strength. Which was why she lost the magic battle against Josie in which the dark witch used a spell the tribrid didnt recognize. Hope collapsed , feeling her energy leave her. When her eyes opened, she was in a bed. In a one room apartment thing. She blinked in surprise and confusion and slowly pushed herself up into a seated position.

Klaus Mikaelson walked closer to the door of Stefan Salvatore’s apartment with Stefan himself by his side after a long night at the bar. He sighed contently. “Can’t you hear that?” He smirked looking over at his old friend. “It is the sound of Rebekah not annoying us to death.” He said clearly happy his sister had stayed behind last night, doing more shopping no doubt. Truthfully he didn’t care, so long as she stayed away for most part. He was beginning to wonder why he chose to undagger her in the first place. “I never did understand what you saw in her.” He chuckled softly. “Then again, I suppose I wouldn’t. Seeing as though she is my sister.”

PMStefan chuckled a little at that. "No, I suppose you wouldnt." He said, thinking back to the memories he now had of a time he had thought he had mostly blacked out. He stopped as he reached the door and heard someone on the other side. "Do you hear that?" He questioned. He knew it wouldnt be Elena since that was earlier and he had scared her away. Finally convinced her that he didnt want her. Enough at least to keep her away.

Klaus frowned as he too suddenly heard the sound of someone inside the small apartment. He signaled for Stefan to be quiet for a moment and only after a few seconds, he forced the door open with no warning whatsoever. His focused and only slightly concerned expression soon changed into a smug one as he caught sight of a girl on Stefan’s bed. “Stefan.” He playfully scolded. “Poor girl. She must have been waiting here all night for you.” He chuckled. “Apologies. My friend here apparently does not remember when he schedules time with women. He’s charming like that.” He snorted looking the girl over a little. She did look a little bit younger than the girls his friend normally pursued. But he supposed he couldn’t really judge.

Hope inhaled sharply and froze at the sight of her father. She barely even heard the words that came out of his mouth. Her mind was turning on what could possibly have happened. How was he standing here right now in front of her? How did he not recognize her. Then she recognized Stefan. Two people who were dead.

"I've never seen her before in my life" Stefan said, defensive and concerned about the girl. He wanted to find out how he could help her. But he was ripper Stefan right now. Not good Stefan. "What's your name?"

"Hope" Hope said after a moment. "My name is Hope"

Klaus glanced over at Stefan curiously when he said he hadn’t ever seen the girl before. “Well she is in your apartment. And the door was not forced open...at least not prior to my doing.” He pointed out and then focused on the young girl who was apparently named Hope. Quite an unusual name. Not to mention she looked as though she had seen a ghost. “What are you doing here then? What do you want?” He asked taking a small step towards her. Although he didn’t appear menacing quite yet, it was clear the playfulness was gone from his eyes and was instead replaced with caution and hostility.

"I... I dont know what I'm doing here" Hope said finally. "I woke up on the bed, but I certainly did not fall asleep on it"

Klaus raised an eyebrow at her words, clearly not believing her in the slightest. “Right. You were randomly transported to an apartment.” He stated sarcastically. “Let me ask you again. What are you doing here, and what are you after? They are truly simple questions.” He smirked stepping closer to her.

"I dont know what I'm doing here. All I know is I was blasted with a spell I have never heard of and now I'm here" Hope said firmly, looking at him. She could let her pain and confusion hit her later. "And I'm not up to anything. You'd think I have some diabolical reason for being in his apartment?" She raised an eyebrow. "There isnt even much in here. What could I possibly be up to?"

Klaus frowned and crossed his arms as he listened to the girl. He definitely didn’t like her attitude. She sounded entitled and worst of all, she didn’t seem scared of him. Something that didn’t sit well with him in the slightest. “Spell. Alright, let’s say I am considering that insane explanation. Who cast the spell?” He questioned looking at her. “And more importantly, why? Surely you must have done something. Witches do not normally spell others for no reason, even as obnoxious as they are.”

"I was trying to get my friend back. Dark magic and her insecurities were controlling her" Hope replied. "As for who casted the spell, that isnt important" she said.

“Hm. Let’s see. You claim to have been blasted here with a spell. You look properly upset about it. Yet when I ask you to tell me the name of the witch who casted such spell, you claim it isn’t important.” Klaus said slowly. “Suspicious don’t you think?” He smirked and then glanced over at Stefan.

"Less about its importance and more about I dont want you to know about her." Hope said with a sigh

"You want to protect your friend." Stefan observed, watching her. "Even if she hit you with the spell that brought you here"

Hope nodded, her blue eyes lowering a little as she thought about her friend. About everyone really. It was true even if it wasnt exactly true. It seemed she was in the past somehow. But how far back?

Klaus frowned, now having realized that as well. Not that he truly cared. Unless she was there to plan anything against him, which he could tell she wasn’t. There was something going on, but it wasn’t anything he should be worried about. “Right. Well if you are through being transported to places, the door is right through there.” He said dismissively as he gestured towards Stefan’s apartment door.

Hope's heart ached at that. It felt as though she was being disowned, but that was ridiculous. He didnt even know who she was. Which hurt even worse. "Where am I anyways?" She wanted to ask the year.

But she didnt want him to look at her with even more confusion.

“Chicago.” Klaus answered observing her carefully. He could tell there were things on her mind, but he didn’t care enough to ask. “What was the last place you were in before?” Maybe he could get a car for her and she could be on her way.

Hope sighed and frowned a little at that. "I was in Virginia. But going there wouldnt change anything. I'm all alone now" She checked her pockets. "And cashless" she said, sighing. "Whatever. I'll figure something out"

Klaus rolled his eyes, the girl’s problems not affecting him in the slightest. He did have bigger things to worry about after all. Which is why he wanted to get rid of her as quickly as possible. “Here.” He said as he pulled out a couple hundred dollar bills from his wallet and held them out for her. “Now you have zero excuses in leaving my friend’s apartment.” He said with a sarcastic smile present on his lips.

Hope hesitated and took them. "Thank you" she said softly. She lowered her gaze a little and headed out of the apartment.

Once she was far enough away, her wall crumbled. She leaned on the wall in an alley, tears starting to spill. Her heart pounded a little as she struggled to breath. She closed her eyes and breathed in and out slowly, struggling to collect herself. She could handle this. She was a Mikaelson witch. She was a tribrid. And despite all she had endured, she could continue fighting. She would find a way back to Landon. No matter how much she wanted to see her dad again. To see her mom. To change the future. If she changed the future even the slightest, things could change, and she might not even be born. But how could she do this alone? She had no spellbooks. No friends. No family. Was it not bad enough that she had to endure her friends and the boy she loved forgetting her whole existence? Now she had to deal with her father alive, in front of her, and looking at her like she was a stranger?

Stefan watched her leave curiously. "Did it seem like she recognized us?" He asked Klaus as he walked further inside and opened the secret door bookshelf. He added the name of a victim to the very long list from the 20s and then grabbed a bottle of Klaus' favorite drink before walking back over to him.

Klaus frowned at Stefan’s words, his gaze remaining on the empty space the girl had been standing in moments ago. “Slightly. I noticed it too. Though if she wanted revenge for something you or I did in our time here, she has a very poor way of executing it.” He chuckled softly. “Either way I’m not concerned. She looked more lost rather than angry. And regardless, I doubt a fifteen year old girl is any match for the legendary original hybrid and the ripper of Monterey.” He smirked."Oh I'm not concerned either. It was merely an observation. Look what I found" Stefan said, passing him the bottle, label side up.

Klaus grinned at the sight of the bottle of his favorite drink. He took it inhis hands and looked it over. “My. I haven’t seen one of these in a long time. Unfortunately it will have to wait. Possibility until we have something worth drinking to.” He sighed and carefully set it down, his mind now going to all his failed hybrids. “Come. We should see if the witch has made any progress.”

Stefan nodded slightly, knowing it was better not to argue. He needed Klaus to see he was on his side. Not to figure out that he wasnt. He glanced back around at the old apartment and memories before heading out.

Hope took a deep breath, thinking. She went and bought a cheap sketchbook, knowing drawing would help keep her control a little. And she bought cheap pencils. She would prefer better supplies, but she needed to save as much money as she could. Especially since she wasnt sure where she was going to go or how to get home.

Klaus headed out of the apartment as well. He hoped there was some type of solution already. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take. He finally broke his curse, only to not be able to make more of his kind. “I swear I am going to kill this witch if she still does not have anything.” He muttered.

#legacies #cw legacies #legacies cw #hope mikaelson #klaus mikaelson #stefan salvatore #tvd #vampire diaries #time travel #a twist through time #a twist through time chapter one #chapter one #the Mikaelsons #damon salvatore #elena gilbert #bonnie bennett #landon kirby #handon

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lollybliz · 3 years

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Uhh, Anon confession/plea for advice I guess? Around the start of the year I joined this amazing group of people! And we became super close; Like found-family close. The thing is- I recently only turned 12 and I feel so bad for deceiving them and they have a right to know but I don't want to upset them either. So it's just a constant cycle of lies and guilt. Do I tell them and leave? I'm worried that I'll ruin everything for them. Thanks for listening 💛

heya duckling. you really got yourself into an interesting fix here, eh? I’m not the best person to come to for this sort of problem, unfortunately. i would probably suggest a therapist if you have one but ultimately its kinda between you and your friends. i’ll do my best though!

The most important thing to figure out, I think, is why you felt the need to keep your age from them in the first place. are they very much older than you? do you feel safe around them? you dont every have to tell anyone your age, except doctors and the like, if you dont want to- no one can force you to share personal information. but why you chose to keep your youth to yourself could help determine how to handle this situation now. for sure we want you to be free of the guilt, whatever that takes. a cycle of guilt is an awful thing to be stuck in and i wouldnt wish it on anyone.

if you dont feel safe with these friends, regardless of their age, i would suggest you leave the group. you dont owe anyone an explanation, you dont need to excuse yourself, you wouldnt need to apologize. i doubt thats the problem you’re experiencing but i wanted to cover that just in case. you never ever have to participate in a friend group that is hurting or scaring you to make them feel better about themselves. you deserve to be happy and safe too, duckling.

if you do feel safe with them, then you’ve got some thinking to do. do you want to tell them your age or do you feel obligated? i will say again: no one can force you to share personal information. if you dont feel safe sharing, if you feel you’re not in a good position to share, heck, if you just dont want to, you never have to unless its medical staff or in rare circumstances legal authorities. if you want to tell them, consider the timing. maybe its classic to make announcements with an @/everyone and all that but maybe you’d be more comfortable saying it quietly at 2am and waiting for them to find it. think about what method and timing would make you the most comfortable. personally, i dont think you need to apologize or acknowledge any ‘lie’ if or when you reveal your age because keeping it secret wasnt really a lie and was well within your rights. you say in your ask that they have a right to know but like, no, not really. its personal information. if they’re much older than you or including you in chats and servers that are inappropriate for you thats another issue but its a lot like sharing your name, it can make people feel very uncomfortable to reveal something that important and thats fair.

if you want to tell them but arent doing it out of a sense of obligation, if you have a method you like for telling them, if you’ve thought of a time and a place that you’re comfortable with, then i would suggest trying to go through with it, as i think ‘coming clean’, for lack of a better term, is the best way to alleviate your guilt cycle. i cant promise things wont be a little weird for awhile as your friends find new boundaries and figure out a way to respect your youth while not treating you like a baby. things will be weird. if some of your group is on the older end they might wig out just a little and go overly mother hen on you. if you’ve been let into adult spaces by accident somebody is going to worry about that. everyone might be a little awkward for a little while as they overreact to the new information. but if they really are like a found family to you, they’ll fall back into a comfortable system shortly and everything will settle into a new normal. new information and changes are always weird and confusing and sometimes complicated, but the people who love you will figure it out and find a way to give you the respect and care you deserve.

so TLDR, only tell them if you feel safe and want to because you do not need to, its private personal information and no, they dont have a right to it. if you do tell them, be prepared for a little awkward for a few days, maybe a week, as they figure out what your youth means in relation to their actions around you. and if they really care about you, they’ll figure it out.

i have a little sister who’s 10 years younger than me. my relationship with her is very different from my relationship with the sister who’s only 2 years younger than me, and my relationship with her equally young friends is wildly different from my relationship with my own peers. that being said, i do not believe it is impossible to be a friend to someone young. i think that that sort of situation is a bit case by case, and complicated, but not impossible. my best friend when i was 9 was a ninety-two year old lady from our church named Miss Dolly, and i miss her dearly. if you feel safe around your friends, if they’re good people, i think you’ll be just fine. i think they might be surprised, i think You might be surprised if they’d already guessed, but i dont think they’ll be really upset, and i dont think you could ‘ruin everything’. you’re gonna be ok little ducky. im proud of you for reaching out, and i hope everything goes super well and you wonder what you were ever worried about!

(for whatever reason it wont let me tag this, i’ll edit in tags in a moment)

#asks #answers #ducklings #bliz rambles #age talk #tw age talk #i really hope this helped! please feel welcome to come into my inbox with whatever #i cant promise a good answer but i will try!

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diigbydog · 6 years

Text

you answered my riddle

Riddler (x Female!reader?) oneshot

word count: 1842

A/N: hi guys! this is my first time writing ed, and first in a long time writing a fic, so i am looking forward to what you all think! i hope you all enjoy! it dosnt get very romantic but there is scenes of tension and implied interest! i may do a follow up if people want one!

It had been a normal day at the club. It was around 9pm on a friday night and the club was packed with patrons, tables were full and the dancefloor was lively. I had worked there for around 3 months now and every day was the same, different people but same routine. My colleagues are nice, and we tend to joke about particularly extravagant customers. The customers usually behaved themselves, even the criminal ones. A local band was playing on stage, they were better than most acts we've had in the past, But unfortunately they were interupted by 3 loud gunshots coming from backstage.

Suddenly, four armed men wearing masks charged onto stage pushing the performers onto the dancefloor "Alright, everyone stay where you are! dont move!" one of them demanded as he pointed his gun to the ceiling and let off a few more warning shots. Their guns turned to the crowd of terrified gothamites. A chuckle could be heard, followed by "good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Im afraid tonights entertainment has been altered slightly!" I focused on the figure walking onto stage, it was a tall man in a stunning green suit and black bowler hat, the riddler, without a doubt. "- you're all going to be my entertainment now!" He chuckled into the microphone. I hadnt moved from the spot i was in when the first gunshot was fired. I couldnt seem to move yet my eyes were fixated on him. He continued to spew his selfcentered nonsense, carelessly waving around the pistol in his hand "now i dont want to hurt any of you lovely people, but im affraid unless the bar staff give me all of the cash out of the register, oh and answer my riddle, well you will all have to die, and we dont want that now, do we?"

I felt my heart beat faster as he jumped off the stage and started to carve a path through the crowd, directly towards me, one of his masked goons following close behind, empty cloth bag in hand. As he got closer i slowly raised the empty tray, that i was holding, to my chest, clutching it with both hands. A smirk spread accross his face as he pointed the gun at me and purred "c'mon now dear. Dont keep me waiting."

Nodding, i backed up towards the bar, placing the tray down next to the register. Riddler hopped up and sat on the countertop, speaking once again into the microphone as i opened the cash register and stepped aside to let the goon do his work. "Now whilst this lovely young lady is getting my money. Lets see if any of you can answer my riddle! Three tries to get it right! and if you dont?" Another gunshot into the ceiling.

By this time it was just plain irritating, so i plucked up some courage and interupted before he sould announce his riddle "Y'know riddler if you wanna leave here alive you might want to stop shooting the bloody ceiling, it'll fall down before you've finished running your mouth" i instantly regreted speaking as his head spun violently to stare at me, a look of suprise on his face. I could see his teeth grinding, as if he wanted to say something horrible, but he just smiled sarcastically and muttered "thanks for the heads up, darling,"

"now where was i, ah yes! my riddle!" he said, slowly turned his head back to the crowd "A most delicious thing, it can be given but cannot be kept. Some awake from it after they've slept. It is the moistest and softest butterfly wing, But when it is the last even it can sting."

He looked at the faces of the crowd. Confused, fearful, and contemplating their careful answers, whispering between eachother. I watched as the masked man took out the last of the cash from the register. The riddle wouldnt stop repeating in my head. As I looked to the crowd to see if anyone had an answer, a man stood up and raised his hand. "You sir! What may your answer be! Remember, you all only get three tries!"

"Cake? The answer is cake." The man stuttered "its delicous and soft. But can be bitter if its a leaving present!"

The riddlers face turned from an amused smirk to pure anger "NO!" He widely strode over to the man who had now fallen to his knees in fear "CAKE?! WHO WAKES UP DUE TO CAKE?!" I look away as he strikes the man over the head with the base of his gun, knocking him out.

Riddler brushed himself off, sighing in frustration, slowly striding back to the counter, making eyecontact with me. I felt deep down that i knew the answer, and i couldnt let these people die, i could wait until someone else goes to answer, but then if i was wrong i would have to watch him shoot up the building, atleast if i got this wrong he would knock me unconcious. so i timidly raised my hand.

"so, you think you know the answer, 'ey?" He grinned as he leant over the counter, resting his hands under his chin.

"Yes. I think i do." "Well then, please, " he continues to repeat his riddle once more, making sure to emphasise each word of importance. "what. am. i?" "a kiss. Thats my answer, a kiss"

a long pause ensued as he turned round, straightening himself up and adjusting his hat. i felt as if i couldn't breath, i had no idea what would happen if i was wrong. then he spoke up.

"well, you are all safe, congratulations!" i let out a relieved sigh, i could breath again. Police sirens could start to be heard in the distance, riddler and his men start to head back to the stage "aaaand that is our call to go boys! I bid you all farewell! sorry for the inconvenience" And with that, riddler and his goons dissapeared backstage.

-1 week later-

Everything was back in order. The ceiling had been fixed and our doors were open once again. The only thing that was different was that the manager provided all employees with switchblades, for self defence of course.

Today it was my job to clean out the storage room(aka the basement). we store everything down there, from non perishable food to extra seating, and it was my turn to organise it. "Now where to start" i muttered to myself, deciding after some contemplating to start with the largest items and making my way to the smaller ones.

Around 2 hours into my mission, i heard the door to the basement creak open, i thought nothing of it as it was probably one of my co-workers looking for a new chair, it wasnt uncommon for a customer to request an extra one. But as the footsteps got closer i realised i didnt recognise the click of heels on the stone floor (no one i work with wears heels, were on our feet all day, why would we suffer through heels!) Fearing the worst i grabbed my blade out of my back pocket and turned round, pointing it at the unknown figure.

As i focused, i realised that edward nygma, the riddler, had returned once again. Although this time, instead of his dazzling green suit, he was sporting some matte black heeled dress shoes, fitting black trousers, a shirt with rolled up sleves and a form fitting waistcoat. Not to mention the extravigant black tie, deccorated with green question marks.

"Riddler" i shakily said, standing my ground as he walked towards me, stopping just infront of the blade i was holding .

"Hello again-" he glanced down, his hands reaching up to gently prise the blade out of my hand, admitely i was not fighting back, i was far too intimidated to fight back. "Thats enough of that. Im not here to harm you, y'know" he said, in a somewhat comforting tone. I took one step back, distancing myself as he was admiring the blade "atleast your boss isnt cheap, this is a nicely made knife" he looked up at me "now, if i give you this back, you promise to calm down?" He softly asked, gently holding the now closed switchblade out to me.

I hesitated, but nodded and accepted his offer, letting out a small sigh as i put the blade back into my pocket. Riddler calmly sat down on a nearby chair, crossing his legs, making himself comfortable "Now, isnt that better" he smiled. I stay silent. "you can talk yknow, im not going to bite!" "I just still dont quite understand why you are here..." i paused, not knowing how to reffer to him "Please, call me edward" "right, edward, why come back alone?" "well, to see you of couse!" "but....why? that dosnt explain anything" "you answered my riddle, plus, ive been fascinated with you since you started working here." me? yes i have seen edward in our club with oswald cobblepot in the past, and i have served him but fascinated? "well...im flattered, i really am, but fascinated? how?"

"well ive never seen you loose your temper, even with oswald and his demands, its quite impressive" he explained, uncrossing his legs and leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees "i wandered if you would tell me more about yourself?" i smiled and blushed, slowly starting to get back to my work, talking as i go "im afraid there isnt much to tell, im not that interesting, deffinately not compared to you and your company"

Ed pulled himself out of his chair to stand close besides me, handing me a fork to add to my pile "oh quite the contrary, anyone with saint's patience like you must have something interesting to tell" looking up into his eyes i saw the determination he had to make me talk, i knew we couldnt talk here, there was too much risk, considering the camera that was placed in the far corner of the room, currently not capturing eds presence. i turned my body to face him as i took the fork out of his hand, thumb slightly brushing his fingertips.

"well,ed, if you really want to know more, i think we should meet some other time, im sure you wouldnt want anyone knowing you were here, would we?" i said, gesturing over to the camera.

His face dropped as he realised the risk "i suppose you are right, give me a time and place and i'll be there."

"wow, you are determinded, aren't you? fine, meet me near the lake in the park, tomorrow at 7:30, deal?" i cannot belive i just suggested that. "we have a deal. i shall see you then" i cannot belive he just agreed to that. and with that, he skipped up the stairs, 2 steps at a time, stopping at the top to turn round, smirking at me once more before shutting the door behind him.

Until then, Mr.nygma.

#the riddler #gotham fanfiction #edward nygma x reader #riddler x reader #riddler oneshot #gotham oneshot #fanfiction #alex writes stuff #im super proud of this #im going to move this to ao3 when i finally get an account

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tigris-types · 5 years

Text

I told my boyfriend I love him for the first time, full story under the cut. Be warned, its long and I discuss how I came to that conclusion.

So i never thought that I would be in a relationship. I dont have any interest in kissing or sex, and since that's what everyone kind of pushes as the selling points of being in a relationship, I didnt want to be in one. I'm also asexual, )which I didnt figure out until someone suggested it to me, since I didnt even know that was an option) but I wasnt sure where I fell on the romantic side of things.

I thought it would be nice to be close with someone, but I can just get that through friends so did it even matter? I wasnt sure if I was grayromantic or aromantic, but its not like I was really under any pressure to define it either.

Then I met my would-be boyfriend, becane friends, thought he might be into me, and was once again, very confused where I stood on the romantic side of things. Eventually, I decided that I did like him, but I was unsure what a relationship would mean for me.

For the first few months, it was weird to say that I had a boyfriend. I couldnt believe it. I was wrestling with how I saw myself, because I never imagined I would be in a relationship and I kind of never wanted to be in a relstionship so I could be the one that defied expectations, amd show that I wouldnt follow society rules, and show that I didnt need a significant other. It wasnt important to me and i hated that my relatives would always ask "How have you been? How is school? Do you have a boyfriend yet?". And I hated it. I nrver wanted a boyfriend just to spite them all. How dare they place my value on good grades and eventual mother potential instead of getting to know me as a person. I hated it.

But as they (unfortunately) say, I met someone. I struggled with this idea, but i came to the conclusion that I didnt need him. I was fine without him. And if we eventually broke up, I would be fine then too. But being in a relationship isnt about needing someone, its about wanting to be with them. Wanting them to succeed and wanting to be with them every step of the way. (I also hate how corny that is)

I'm not a very emotional touchy-feely person, but I did feel comfortable being open and vulnerable with him. I like his hugs, and I like snuggling with him. And he's really sweet, but inthe interest of not looking through rose-colored glasses, I do have a list of thingd he does that annoy me(he doesnt know this). But we've talk about a few of those things and he has made an effort to change.

And hes told me what I do that annoy him too, like calling him dude. So we talked a little about what nicknames we would be comfortable with over the past few weeks, and i realized I wanted to call him love.

But that name wouldnt work unless I had told him I love him. So I came up with a plan. We were going to see Endgame this weekend, anf most likely eat dinner, play pokemon go, and snuggle afterwards. At someone I woukd say "I think I love you" becaus ei wasn't sure if he felt it back and ssying "I think" gave me the opportunity to retract that statement if he didnt feel the same way.

But over dinner, (we had gyros) we talking about frozen because sandwiches and Love is an open door and so I said, "To quote a Thomas Sanders vine, 'I love you, but this is mine!'" He looked away, I looked down, just waiting for a response, not trying to appear any particular way, like I'm expecting him to say it in return.

Then he looked back at me and said, "I love you too." And I just smiled, I was happy that he said it back and that I managed to say it smoothly. He continued, "Sorry it took a moment to repsond, I wasnt sure if it was sincere or not."

"It was, but I wasnt sure if you felt the same so if you didnt then it could be treated as a joke and no worries."

"I'm glad, because I love you."

"I love you too" Then we kept eating and talking about other things. But it was nice, and when we did get to snuggling, I was a little afraid it would lead to kissing, since I still don't want to (although I am slightly warming up to the idea, which is weird), and it didnt, which I was glad for.

It was nice, weve been together for about 5.5 months and I just got comfortable enough to kiss him on the cheek and he hasnt pressured me to do anything I dont want to. Which i think is great for an asexual-allosexual relationship. We did talk about how he feels, and that he does find me sexually attractive. (Which I kind of suspected, but really, thats something people actually feel? Thats not made up?) I said I couldn't relate, but I appreciate him telling me, and it was nice. Im not sure what to do with that information, but whatever.

But yeah, 5.5 months as being boyfriend and girlfriend, on top of about about a year of being friends, and we said exchanged "I love yous". Quite a few times actually, I kind of wish I had taken tally because we said it so often, but it was probably at least 10 times.

#personal #boyfriend #which is weord thst i hsve one now #asexual #asexual and proud #and my boyfriend respects and accepts that ehich is nice

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extraordinarilyunexceptional · 6 years

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ask and you shall receive :)

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

I’d like to believe that i have a good relationship with them but that gets rocky sometimes. I prefer not to talk about my parents on here for personal reasons.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

I last said “i love you” to my best friend melanie because i love her so much and am so thankful to have her in my life.

03: Do you regret anything?

I regret not eating a big breakfast this morning LOL i dont necessarily believe in regrets because i think that everything happens for a reason and that if those things didnt happen to me i wouldnt be the person i am today.

04: Are you insecure?

Yes. i am insecure about my weight, my body, my appearance, everything.

05: What is your relationship status?

My relationship status is “in love with myself”. Yes indeed i am single. Dont message me for nudes (haha u know who u are) cuz i wont do it.

06: How do you want to die?

Not to be creepy but i actually thought about this and i want to like fall off a cliff as the sun sets and then combust like a star.

07: What did you last eat?

Im eating as i type this actually im eating some pretzels and a turkey sandwich YEET

08: Played any sports?

I used to play basketball but i sucked at it but i really want to play ultimate frisbee

09: Do you bite your nails?

Sometimes yes. Its weird and disgusting but it happens

10: When was your last physical fight?

I don’t fight people because im not a hater im a lover

11: Do you like someone?

Im not sure actually. Come back to me in like two weeks

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

Yes. dont do it unless you wanna die

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

No i dont hate people because im a lover not a hater

14: Do you miss someone?

Yes i do.

15: Have any pets?

No but i used to have 3 pets birds and my sister suffocated one with a vacuum hose

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

Hungry, stressed, but overall very content with life

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

No thats unsanitary unless its my bathroom then its okay

18: Are you scared of spiders?

I wouldnt say im scared but like as long as they dont try to mess with me im good ya know

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

No because i believe everything happens for a reason and also i wouldnt want to relive all my fuck up moments

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

Not gonna lie i had to look up what this word meant. The last time was at graduation which was on june 1st

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

I have work HAHA and i got lots of hw to do

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

Im not sure yet tbh. But if i do i would like to have as many as possible

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

Im basic i have the normal ear lobe piercings but i want a septum and stud and a helix piercing and bellybutton piercing MAYBE if i have like killer abs or something

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

My best subjects are math and science, particularly bio and chem

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

I miss lots of people

26: What are you craving right now?

Chocolate, wholesome affection, apple juice, swedish fish

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Im not sure

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

Unfortunately yes

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

Yes and im not proud of this at all

30: What’s irritating you right now?

The fact that i have no time to eat in between class bruh a bitch gets hungryyyy

31: Does somebody love you?

Im sure someone does. But i know that i love me

32: What is your favourite color?

Purple, blue, and yellow

33: Do you have trust issues?

Unfortunately yes i do

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

My last dream consisted of me going on a date with a coworker and when i woke up i almost puked

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My mom YEET

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

Yes bc i’d like to believe that everyone is good and worthy of proving themselves

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Its easier to forgive. Forgetting doesnt solve anything and it doesnt clear ur conscious

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

It sure has been eventful

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I was a sophomore in high school, 15 yrs old

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

No bc why

51: Favourite food?

potatoes

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Hecky yeah boiiiiiii

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

I read Plato’s Euthyphro and was mind fucked and also was texting some friends

54: Is cheating ever okay?

Nope. never. What kind of question is this

55: Are you mean?

No im kind and honest theres a difference

56: How many people have you fist fought?

Zero omg

57: Do you believe in true love?

Yes i do

58: Favourite weather?

Fall weather

59: Do you like the snow?

yes!

60: Do you wanna get married?

Yes yes yes!

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

Yes my heart melts and i DIE

62: What makes you happy?

Love and sunshine and warm hugs and forehead kisses and rainy days and swedish fish and coffee and FOOOOD

63: Would you change your name?

NO my name is unique

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Idk man. What kind of question is this LMAO

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Idk do i like them back? If i do i would slide in their dms if i dont i would let them know that i only see them as a friend

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

Yes and this is so important!!!

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

My friend zach

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Melanie my bff

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

Yes yes i do

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

Yes there is i would die for myself

(via demonofthelight)

#asks #ask me questions #ask me anything

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jacobburnett · 6 years

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my first taylor swift show(s) ever

yall i didnt know if i should post about this or anything because im kind of superstitious and i feel like any time i make plans they fall through...but im just too excited not to get on here and brag. before i even start, i realize there are people out there that get many more opportunities to see taylor play and have done so over taylors entire career. i was kind of a late bloomer to taylor swift but i am totally in it right now and im poor anyway so if it werent for the gracious people i have been blessed with then i wouldnt be able to see her at all. im very thankful for the opportunities presented to me and i hope plans come through.

anyway, i was originally not going to be able to go to any of taylor swifts reputation tour dates. i was a part of taylortix and tried my best to get all of the boosts i could while available but in the end i simply didnt make it in time, largely in part to money. i wanted to be greedy and buy tickets for all events coming to without a few hours of where i live, and im actually still kind of that way, but it didnt work out at first. i live in birmingham, alabama and the closest events coming my way were going to be atlanta on august 10th and 11th, nashville on august 25th, and then finally september 22nd in new orleans. just under a year ago i was totally jazzed for the new record and the release of all the tour dates and stuff and desperate to have the chance to finally see tay.

then it came to pass that i would lose my job in january, and i had probably missed out on getting good seats for whatever shows i would want to visit closest to me anyway. im a real brat and have always wanted an up close and personal view for something as major as this, being that as ive really only attended small-to-medium sized shows. ive always gotten what ive wanted in some way when it comes to entertainment. the best show ive ever seen live was sigur ros at the BJCC and there was barely anyone there (honestly i felt bad for sigur ros) but afterwards they ended up coming to a hometown bar and even DJing music and having drinks with fans and stuff. that was so the shit and i always wondered what could top it. this, of course, was before i was a fan of taylor swift and had even thought of attending any of her massive, sometimes sold-out stadium shows. that sort of thing never appealed to me, but people obviously change.

so some time passes and one of my close friends, who lives in new orleans, purchased two tickets to her superdome show on september 22nd. he soon learned that his girlfriend didnt want to go...and since he is so gracious and such a good friend he offers me the ticket for free. FOR FREE. i freaked out upon his offer. of course i would go, was he crazy? ever since that day, i have been above this earth, eagerly waiting for that day, crazily scouring reddit and tumblr and any other social media source where someone else might be giving out a free or cheap ticket JUST to see if anyone else so gracious was out there. it turns out there are. i found a few opportunities but they were a little too far away from me to be realistic, and i even wrote a long and heartfelt email to one girl for my chance at her free ticket. unfortunately, nothing sincere came through, and although i was elated to be able to go see tay in september, i just wanted more. and then another opportunity arose. a reddit user was offering a free ticket for the atlanta show on august 11th. again i freaked out and quickly wrote them a message. to my surprise, no one else had been serious about wanting to go and i explained to them that i live very close and any other detail they might need. then they hit me with the seats, which is quite frankly extremely important, and once i saw where we were going to be sitting i lost my mind.

i will be sitting in section J on row 7 right there SO CLOSE to the stage! like seriously who gives away a free ticket for such good seats!? not to mention from one total stranger to another!?!

then i realized: these are taylor swift fans im dealing with. these are some of the best people i could ask for. these are people that are just as insane about tay as i am. these are genuine fanatics just like me. some people even take it to much greater lengths than i do but i know im a super fan. so unless plans fall through, i will be seeing you, miss tay, on august 11th in atlanta AND on september 22nd in new orleans! i have no clue what im going to be wearing or what im going to do other than freak out for the next two weeks but ~!~!~!~!~!~ words just cant describe. who knows? i might even get rep room or get to meet taylor in a pre-show meet & greet or something. it could happen.

#me #real life #shit i love #im excited #taylor swift #taylorswift #taylor nation #taylornation #reputation #reputation tour #reputation stadium tour #reputationtour #taylurking

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barbiecookies · 7 years

Text

I heard a saying one time that said something along the lines of "Dont give advice unless asked." I think that is important because when you go around offering unsolicited advice to people who didnt ask you for it it makes you come off as a hater.

My friend has been trying to give me unsolicited advice in regards to my Lebanese bae and trying to pressure me into having the “what are we” talk and i keep repeating myself to her that i know what we are and i dont really want to get into something serious because my life is still a little complicated and our relationship wouldnt be honest.

My next relationship i really want it to be an honest and open one. Im tired of hiding shit from people and me telling Lebanese bae what the deal is is not an option.

I think shes trying to live vicariously through me because theres someone shes been involved with for 2 years and hes done nothing but lead her on, play games and disrespect her verbally and has no regard for her time and she has yet to make things concrete with him but she keeps going back.

She was basically telling me to question Lebanese baes whereabouts and make sure he's only into me and all this other seemingly controlling shit. I was like "Girl, i am not wasting my precious energy worrying about a dude that is not mine. He can do whatever he wants just like me. Im having fun just being fwb and i dont want to force anything."

I had to ignore her after that cause she tried saying some shit like "If a guy treated me like lebanese bae treats you i wouldnt let him fuck anymore."

But the thing is Lebanese bae isnt disrespectful to me at all. When we hang out its not just me coming over and us jumping straight to sex and then him kicking me out. He actually takes me out places every time we chill, and we talk and chill for hours without it being sexual and he's extremely sweet to me and very cuddly and affectionate. So I'm not sure what she meant? I mean, I'm not going to fucking charge this dude money and thats basically what it sounded like she was trying to say 😂😂

Honestly, she cant give me any kind of relationship advice because she is a self proclaimed hoe but wants something serious and nothing ever pans out from her encounters with dudes. I know exactly why, but i am not going to give her unsolicited advice unless she explicitly asks me "Sen, why do you think guys dont take me serious and get over it within two weeks?" Cause if i just flat out told her why without being asked then it would damn sure come off as me being a hater and that i am definitely not.

I know as a friend you should be upfront and honest, but seriously it doesnt make me a bad friend by not telling her the REAL reason shes having a hard time if she didnt ask. She wouldnt take my advice anyway and would end up angry.

From now on im going to stop sharing anything that goes on between Lebanese bae and i with her. Thats another thing- dont share personal shit about your relationships with friends cause they will be all in your business or try to tell you what you should and shouldnt do. Some women are even shady enough to try and get with the dude youre involved with to "prove" to you they aint shit when really theyre just proving THEY aint shit

She seems like that type of friend unfortunately. This is the same friend i strongly feel hooked up with my ex boyfriend last year. And not to mention she straight up tried to get me to give her Lebanese baes info so she can ask him something "for me". Like, bitch, i know how to use my throat chakra. I dont need you to be my voice. Im not fucking scary. She just does red flag ass shit that is low key shady as fuck. I would NEVER ask a friend, bestie or not, for her dude or love interests contact info to hit him up for ANYTHING. My friend can ask for me, shit.

Anyway, i reposted a photo of a quote on IG that really resonated with me and was pretty ironic because i had told her hours before im not going to force anything. It was a quote that basically said dont force shit, whats meant to be will be.

She of course thought that post was about her lol. Honest to God it wasnt. It actually gave me hope in regards to me and Lebanese bae, because im not gonna lie, i like him A LOT and he is everything i want in a man but now just isnt a good time for me to be in a relationship and maybe sometime in the near future i will be with him. 🤔 One could only hope.

#im not mad at all at her or annoyed and she thinks she hurt my feelings? lol #she didnt at all i just dont appreciate her trying to water my grass without permission when hers is brown and needs attention

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commiemoth · 7 years

Note

bbbb all of the adorable asks are so cute >////

Bbbbb im happy i answer!! >\

2- my favorite color use to be purple definitively but now i cant choose unless its color combinations, my current favorites are: cyan + red, bronze + patina-green, silver + deep blue, black + cyan or neon blue, black + gold, white + goldIf i Really Really had to choose only one tho i think it would depend on my mood? Blue for sad, deep blue for calm, gold for energetic/confident, cyan for floaty, silver for dissociating?

3- no but!!!! I really want to! As soon as im out of my parents house im gonna do eyeshadow all the time as soon as i learn how! (Hopefully ollie can teach me because their eyeshadow looks are fucking #Iconic)

4- Yes yes yes!!!! In love right now and its better than ever before!!

5- ive been hesitant about this because last time i thought this it ended b a d l y but!! This time feels really different! I feel the connection and honestly i think yes!!

6- i think when im by myself im incredibly pessimistic and realist and accepting of it but with most other people im very optimistic for them i think? Even if im not for myself :/

7- ive had my first kiss already unfortunately :/but! First kiss with someone who actually cares and loves and respects u is completely different!! So my ideal first kiss would probably be leik after a moment of really spontaneous and overwhelming happiness between us? I think it would feel natural and comftorable and nice even if we’d both be awkward blushy babies about it >\\

24- ive gotten my nails painted before it was really nice! Im going to start doing it regularly once im out of the house and i hope ill eventually be gud enough to paint little designs on them!

25- idk wat this is asking leik, confessed wat? Id think yes and leik if confessed just as in telling something they wouldnt tell anyone else then yes, im honored that someone places that much trust in me when they do and i try to protect the secret/confession with my life

26- gggggg i used to lie so much all the time leik little lies to make myself more interesting/cooler but i dont do that anymore thank gosh, i only lie now to protect someone’s safety/identity , protect my own safety, or when talking to adults because i dont trust them, when its morally justifiable, or when ive been asked too by a confidant

27- ollie!!! (Everything about them) and also songs that are really energetic and (happily) nostalgic for me, and also cute animals! Or hanging out and havin a gud laugh with friends, im more likely to smile in stress free environments!

28- ggggg gosh i cry all the time in books and movies, i cried at finding dory, and at guardians of the galaxy vol 2, and at swiss army man, and at steven universe a lot, and at attack on titan sometimes when i used to watch it (not anymore) anything i read that has a major character death makes me cry, i cried at the Dragons overwatch short for hanzo and genji, im big baby :/

29- i think i had a crush on a girl in elementary school when i was still straight and she was the most popular pretty girl in school, boring het stuff :/

30- marriage sounds really nice! Not that important tho it just seems leik part of the whole big thing of the different levels of “making it official” but it would be nice and fun!!! Kids are scary! Too much responsibilty and i, kinda dont leik them :/

31- im very superstitious sometimes, a couple years ago i saw the picture of the russian sleep experiment creepy pasta and its haunted me and my halfasleep mind until a few months ago last year thats not really superstitious i guess but im always very irrational about things leik that, leik if a noise happens at night then my brain goes: “its the [a creepy picture i saw that day] monster here to get you” and it really sucks sometimes but ive been a little bette with it lately! (Ps, Do Not look up the russian sleep experiment, it might not be the same for you but it was terrifying for me and had a lasting effect)

32- my 3am thoughts are ollie!! Its much better thinking about cuddling them instead of thinking about if everyone i know hates me secretly or wat went wrong on that particular day (although ive been doing better on that too)

33- i leik candy a lot!! My favorites are snickers, swedish fish, cinnamon gumdrops, chocolate (either chili or caramel), jolly ranchers, skittles, and sometimes airheads, i used to l o v e poprocks but i dont see then around anymore :l

34- halloween!!! Its my favorite time because its not too cold to have to stay inside and still cold enough for cool fashion options and also halloween itself!! Its fun! :D

35- my favorite season is winter!! It lets me stay inside and watch the pretty snow while i drink hot cocoa and play video games :3 fall is a close second!! Most of fall is cool enough to still be outside and the cold weather suits me even if its sometimes gives me colds!

36- i feel leik a dog would help me be happier because they generally more energetic? But a cat suits my personality much better and i feel leik we might get along a little easier , both are gud and no preference tho!!!

37- im really quiet i think!! I try not to talk at all unless its with people i already know, but the more comftorable i am with someone the louder i am with them!!

38- my favorite time period is medeival or far-future! Medieval only when in fantasy with dragons and magic and stuff because Real medieval times kinda sucked but: the knights! The samurai! And far future because space travel and sightseeing on distant planets!!

39- bowties? There still kind of around tho i guess, cloaks and swords or also full plate armor (bring! Them! Back!)

40- hhhhh i never remember my dreams but the worst nightmares are where i wake up and cant breathe leik sleep paralysis im pretty sure (that combined with russian sleep experiment is h e l l but thankfully that doesnt really happen anymore) and the best dreams ive had are when ollie is in them!!

41- i used to be really afraid the dark but im still sometimes just as afraid so i guess that doesnt count? I used to have dreams where the little one eyed dudes id make out of my erasers would turn evil and stand on my chest and id wake up with sleep paralisys so? Thats something i guess :/

42-43 are skipped in the list?

44- i try my best!! Ollie knows :> im [Incapable] of flirting with anyone if they dont also flirt with me and i know that they leik me too tho so i havent been flirting much the past couple years till now :l

45- my style currently is kinda blandish i think? Dark or cool colors with a graphic teeshirt (sometimes of things that i dont even leik anymore) and black or blue skinny jeans (sometimes a bleached white pair, theyre my favorite) and some matching color of converse, sometimes i wear flannels or button ups and sometimes bowties too! But not as often

Ideal style: crop top, flannel, sunglasses, short short jean shorts, cool socks that go past my knees, matching converse!

46- hell yeah i blush!!!!!!!!! Sometimes i blush when people are really nice to me but most times its from romantic stuff because i get flustered and blushy So Easily!!

47- every once in a while my depression comes back and most of the time it doesnt stay for lomg but while its here i feel everything at once while wanting to feel nothing and its so overwhelming or i feel nothing at all while wanting to feel at least one thing and it makes my heart hurt, most of the time tho i lean more on the side of feeling everything! Feelings are gud and i leik them!!!

48- im definently a crier! Cried basically for 3 years straight, but ive only cried happy crying a couple times, definitely a few tho, i smile a lot! I think! I try to, i think smiles are really nice and there needs to be more of them in the world, ive been smiling a lot more the past couple months for sure :3Thanks for askin and!! @got to answer the same asks! Not all if u dont want to but just the ones u want :>

#ollie #@gothicmoth #asks #5th ask!!!#food/#cynanide/#abuse/

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dickgoblinpi · 7 years

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i just want to vent about work a bit

yesterday i was working with a boy i know v v well. i am his key worker and have been the main (or only) person responsible, other than himself and his mum, for creating his care plan and routine. he has a significant eating aversion and over the past 8 months i have put a lot of work into developing a mealtime routine with him that he enjoys and that helps him eat and drink a good amount and variety while he is at our service. the routine is pretty specific and takes up two packed a4 pages in the care plan.

we’ve reached a point now where he eats a moderate breakfast and has some juice when he comes in, then has a large late lunch of sandwiches, pasta, soup or something like that, plus maybe some yoghurt, cake, crisps or similar, and some more juice. he can now eat a slice of cake with the other young people when someone has a birthday. if we all do cooking or baking activities he can eat the fruits of our labours. when he first started attending, that first day he drank a capri sun and that was it. so this progress and achievement is a big deal to everyone involved. im v proud of him and myself. there is 1 problem

for some reason people think anything i say is open to interpretation? at all times? most people know that this boy’s eating plan began at home with his wonderful mum, and from there has been the work of him, me, myself and i while he is at our service. like pretty much every time he eats a meal here it is the direct result of the 8 months i alone have spent collaborating with him to make his routine work for him. most people know that. certain people seem to live in opposite land. quite apart from that, his care plan says ‘do X’ and when a care plan says that, unless X is flatly unethical or you have observed X to lead to terrible things, you DO X. im talking specifically about things like ‘molly stands to get personal care support’ and ‘jimmy requires support from 2 staff to go on trips’ and ‘sandy drinks from a straw’

you dont just go ‘meh, i feel like getting molly to lay down today’ or ‘i dont see why sandy can’t just drink from a sports bottle’ or ‘im sure jimmy will be just fine going to the cinema one-to-one’ but when it comes to the support notes i have written, PEOPLE KEEP GOING ‘i can feed this young person by myself’ ‘he doesnt really need a straw’ ‘im sure he will learn to like having reggae music on with his meals’ ‘i should put my arm around him and hold his head to keep him still’

when i arrived at work yesterday, a supervisor who has been somewhere else not here for 6 months, came up to me and immediately started telling me her awesome new ideas for how best to support this boy to eat. her main idea was that, because he has involuntary arm movements as well as an instinctive reflex to bat away the food, instead of holding on to his arms i could tuck them under his arm rests and very gently put my arm on top of his so he cant get them out, because “that’s half the battle”

it’s really complicated to talk about how we support him not to bat away the food, because whenever i say ‘choice’ i go down the rabbit hole of how a choice isn’t necessarily a choice and the entire surrounding environment and their life to this date and everyone’s expectations of them and 100 other factors have so many complex and interwoven impacts on the choices someone is truly able to make :/

with that said, the general idea of lunch support for this boy is that he can and does choose (gah) not to eat or not to take a given bite, but when he is hungry and willing to eat and drink, he needs gentle support to enable him not to make those movements. like i can maybe think of six bites over the entire period i have worked with him where he has kept his arms still to take a bite without support. and i really am talking the lightest of pressures. if he moves his arms, the pressure comes off. it’s a very communicative process and kind of goes like this

1. his table is set up with his preferred music on and staff are sitting with him. he is smiling and bobbing his head to the music with his hands in his lap or drumming on the table. staff gently lay their hand or arm on his forearm or hand. sometimes he holds their hands and twiddles their fingers. one staff member offers a mouthful of food to him and after a moment or two he stills his head, opens his mouth and takes the bite

2. staff present another bite, but he raises his arms and motions to bat it away. staff take their arms and the bite of food away, and he has a bit of a shake or a dance. he might cuddle staff briefly or pull faces at them and laugh with them. he starts drumming on the table again and staff resume the light pressure and offer the bite, which he takes

3. he raises his arms and pulls them into himself, frowns and makes a groaning noise. staff joke with him and he laughs but staff understand through his body language and vocalisations that he does not want the next bite. staff ask if he wants a drink and he smiles and relaxes his posture. staff resume the light pressure and offer him the drink, of which he has several sips. after this he resumes eating

those three stages are kinda what you can typically expect. sometimes he’s eating happy as you like, sometimes he wants a drink and sometimes he needs a moment. if he is feeling unwell in some way or the process isn’t working for him, he will groan, grimace or maintain constant motion and you know he is saying a clear ‘no.’ it happens. it was very very hard at first to feel as if you were overriding his ‘default no’ at every mealtime, but the unfortunate fact is his health would be at risk if his involuntary or reflex actions dictated when he eats. gastrostomy has been considered as an option but it would impact him negatively in certain ways and carry a number of risks, and would be considerably less of a choice than he has currently :/ ahhhh it’s a minefield

the more fortunate fact is that he does genuinely enjoy his food and mealtimes if his routine is followed to the letter and staff listen to him and keep the whole thing light-hearted. recently we’ve reached a point where at lunchtime, he will sit with his mouth open waiting for you to hurry up and load the spoon, goddamnit. laughing and smiling and joking around with staff the entire time, and eating everything in 10 minutes flat and looking around for more like ‘eating challenges who?’

sooooo anyway, when this fucking supervisor decides to tell me soemthing that amounts to restraint and completely misses the point of how this boy eats, it pissed me off all day.

then when lunchtime rolled around the only staff available to join us for lunch support was someone i really get exasperated with. this staff member insisted on taking the more active role (generally one staff member does the majority of the physical act of feeding, but it isnt a hard and fast rule and sometimes this boy prefers that you switch it around a lot) and i took what i thought would be the path of least resistance as we were a bit pinched for time, but ohhhhh my god! you would not think i had written two pages about how to support this boy, or at least you wouldnt think that this staff member read them. has he? idek.

it was just so slow! so inexplicably slow! he was using a dessert spoon which was too big and wide and scoopy which was resulting in very tiny bites being taken from the tip of the spoon through necessity. he insisted ‘[name] prefers metal spoons’ which is not my experience. size and shape is more important - he prefers a smaller, flatter spoon because of the shape of his mouth and how he opens it. he had a large portion of fresh mac and cheese from our cafe that i thought would get finished in 10-15 minutes considering we had had such an active day and i knew he would be hungry and it’s his fav, but it wound up taking 40 minutes because this staff member was literally delivering 1-2 pieces of macaroni at a time, and he KEPT PAUSING WITH THE SPOON IN MID-AIR JUST TO TELL ME A FUCKING ANECDOTE

sometimes mealtimes are long and it’s fine, that goes for so many of the kids who like to take their time, but this person knows when something is going on longer than it needs to and he loses patience. wouldn’t you? sometimes he likes to take his time but he doesn’t like to wait around for you to wrap up your fucking self-aggrandising little story about someone you used to work with who was just like him and how good you were at it

the macaroni was cold by the end and so was my heart

#work stuff #disability stuff #complicated stuff #im talking about something where needs and choices can create a conflict and it's difficult to navigate #if you plan to read this wall o text and have complex or trauma feelings about that topic then be careful #just on the offchance

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incoherentlynonexistent-blog · 4 years

Text

Unfortunate Outcome

Amazing how one person can change everything.....incredible as that same person becomes somebody they swore and promised to never become.....funny how you believed them, and the unfortunate outcome is the consequences you suffer because you trusted their word over everyone and everything....

It's so degrading...to now be where you're at only because you believed in something that wasnt ever real...

Hurtful to actually feel the loneliness kick in.....

Depressing to remember how little of an importance you were to them....

Unwilling to heal and move on because how do you pick yourself up after consistently being there for someone then for it to become abandoned and forgotten.....

It's the Unfortunet outcome to their mishaps that led me to becoming helpless and needy.

Sad thing is, I don't even know what it is that i want

Idk what I need....

I know I dont need this constant bullshit

Unfortunetly because I had so much hope and expectations

Its stupid to look back and realize how naive and oblivious I used to be

Now I guess they can say I made my own mess when they're the ones who lied and ridiculed me because I was drug along for so long

The most unfortunate thing about this is the outcome. Despite how much "better" they find this to be, I won't ever be able to be better....yea I have my good days, but even those arent good.....

Doesnt matter where they go

Doesnt matter the time they let slip by

Hell it doesn't matter what they do .

In still feeling the same things

I doubt ill ever have anything to help me endure this

I live everyday waiting still

I go about each day hoping anyone would love to be here again

I literally feel myself slipping

I'm already dead because of them

Added with how I'm still feeling

I'm not sure of this feeling will subside

It's all mind consuming

I can't just stop about this

It's the one thing that no-one understands

The reason why I'm like this

The answer is simple

Given the empty promises and then being just thrown way like yesterdays garbage

I'm miserable with this unfortunate outcome.....

I didnt get closure

Instead I get the only thing that's never changed

Them leaving my life.....

Something promised against but in the end

They all prove to be the same person that leff you to begin with ......

It's hard living and feeling like this

I have no faith

I don't have confidence

I'm trying to find a purpose

But I can't get far or enough to cease the memories....

They're just haunting to me now...

Only because of how and what I've done

You really think I can just magically become better

No.

It's not possible unless you actually are willing to be here

Or unless you actually gave me the closure I've been desiring

Until I'm given that

I will not get better.

I will not heal

This unfortunate outcome will be my life sentence

This isn't what I what wanted

None of this is

I don't want the depression

I dont care for the desire.

I just want to feel happy again.

I want a reason to actually smile and feel good about myself......

I just wished someone would hear me out

After asking for three years now...

I cant just move on

God Damn it man

If they only knew just how bad I really am

I wonder if things would be different....

I wonder if anyone wouldve left....

I just want someone to be here for me

Irs not ever been about my sex life or being in a relationship

My goal was to only be around the people who want to be here

Maybe ive beckne to fucked up to obtain that chance again

Unfortunate outcome is me being treated in such manner when the pupils who inflicted all that hurt and damage are the ones at fault for me becoming this way. They shut me out because I'm still fucked up over it. I was the original victim that became traumatized and untrusting, but I wouldnt be this irritable bitter suicidally depressed person that's unwilling to move on if it weren't for their actions.

I don't trust anybody any more

I don't even crack a smile

You know who you are

The person im addressing anyway ..

I hope you're happy

I hope you feel accomplished at what you created

With the unfortunate outcome that you refuse to have anything to do with what you started and fucked up numerous times......it leaves me like this.....

Idk how else to stress this fact

Because I cant get that little bit of respect....

When I shouldn't have been involved anyway

I should've walked away

I should've listened to the voice in my head

"Don't worry on going to the laundry mat

If I'd knew then what I knew now

I would've never showed up

I would have never existed

But its thanks to you ive gotten like this

Thanks to you I sit all day every day for the past few years pondering about whats wrong with me

Why am I not wanted. Why does everyone leave....see that's the difference between us, you're the one who does all the leaving. I linger because I believe in equal opportunity especially when so much effort was put into it in the first place. I believe in those who remain loyal and true on their word, but you seem to still believe in empty promises. You're using you're ears to see and you're eyes to hear. You're the most cruel and cold hearted creature. Not human.....because with human emotion, I couldnt do what you do, I cant lead them on, shut them out, I cant make someone feel like their the one for me, but then shut them down and out when the one I want is around. I will never understand you're selfish decisions and with how you know youve done wrong but you still don't bother to change.

Maybe I've become an unforgivable asshole, but that's the unfortunate outcome when someone so heartless just takes you for granted then you're the bad guy for not only reacting actually a little more civil than you should've, but because god knows whatever words come from my posts or even texts, god forbid they remind you consistently of what you've done. Everything I am and everything I do now is because of you..

Days I'm angry, I blame you

Days I'm depressed, It's your fault

Days I cut, blamed you because just the little bit of open honesty wouldve prevented me cutting myself, but only to relieve that pain that I cant get out through crying.

Its the pain that makes your chest ache and have the urge to just scream in agony. Its that lodged in lump that swells in your chest when everything that was promised, shared, and enjoyed together now sets this darkened, and dead look to it. I find myself shying away from every and any little thing that you had any relations to. My music has changed. My faith in life itself is nonexistent. Ive become so angry and bitter, that I am constantly snappy.

It doesnt matter how angry I were to get with anyone else, because every one probably tells you I'm fine.....

I'm not fine

Im not ok

I'm suffocating myself

Its hard to not still be bitter....

How can I not still be angry when you left once again.....ive been irrational and disrespectful, but I never thought that this unfortunate outcome would involve me getting worse....I figured at some point within these four years .....I figured you wouldve not done this so much that I'm probably permanently fucked up....I mean fucking look at me...have you ever seen anyone so pathetic and humiliating?....

Loving someone is so beautiful but sad, because when you fall for someone, there's some part of you that breaks too, its gone for ever because its with that person you wanted to give your whole heart to, but they'll only always have what's actually left of you. For some reason being in that persons presence or just respected enough to be even thought about by them, makes life worth living even if I were to spend it alone. Its not because you lack feelings or really the past that I held over your head....I just wanted for someone to finally treat me differently.....

You wound up treating me the same

This is my unfortunate outcome

Its been a battle especially the last two years

I've never in my life have I ever felt so much pain

Ive never loved anyone as much as I love you

The unfortunate outcome for you is me being gone when you want to come back

I already know how it's to be

Its why I never understood you

But I still kept trying to

Maybe that was my mistake

Because my unfortunate outcome is the distance between us and how little I've meant within the last couple years....idk myself what you could ever do to make things better.....

Unfortunate outcome is what's done is done....

Its ruined

We're ruined

Were gone....

The end....

Hope you're doing well.....

Sorry for being impulsive and annoying

I'm sorry for being a fucked up mess.

Wishing you a lifetime of happiness....

Wishing you luck on your endeavors

Ill miss you

I have been already

Life just won't ever be the same. I just know if it was went about differently I would be able to handle the sudden blocked phone and Tumblr better than what I am now. I'm wasting mt time is the sad thing because I'm sire you're thought is why if I'm to be the way I was before, well, it would be nice to have at least that wanting to talk to me or even asking things sbout my life. I literally have been wanting to fit in, and I'm sorry I tried to get in your way. I'm sorry for being this way period.....in sorry I can't bring myself to be better.....I literally feel like I have no other place to go or anything to do.....I should be doing soemthing with my life, bur in not.....only bevause I spend every day trying to avert seeing or even tbe chance to see you kr anything related to you That will rip my chest right then and there.

It's those things I want to feel better about.....I want to be able to see you without getting so severely depressed. That's the last unfortunate outcome, because of that, how I feel.....I think it's best if we just never saw each other ever again......Obviosuly you're already on that route but if that's really what you want, then you really will not ses me ever again. I mean you can scream yell my name. I will not look at any part of you.....I'm prudent because maybe youre right, just sticking with avoiding them, and I guess you do lose some feeling. I hate being like this. Idk what else to do. I dont need your help. I need your understanding. I dont need to be questioned, at least at what I'm doing, because idk anymore.....I get flustered easily because my mind stays so caught up on you that I fuck up everything I touch or work on.....then it goes back to the angry blaming you thing.....never ending......so how can I get better? What do I do? You just left. You didn't leave a note, you didnt say goodbye, and of all things I've ever done for you, you never helped my unfortunate outcomes...you rejected me time and time again.

I just idk how to be ok.....

I just feel like I'm losing touch with my existence

As in because you live in my mind so much I try to avoid that too....I've become a blank spaced emotionless robot....I'm depressed but I look solemn. I then break soon as I snap.....I'm getting worse.....idk its so hard to put into words. I just feel myself losing control over everything including my decisions.....

Whether you believe me or not.....I don't care to convince you anymore. Honestly I'm not even doing that now. I just needed to get what I could out....atleast While its flowing....well it was....I think I explained the best I could and linked the way I think...

Respond or don't respond

Respectfully, I'm refraining from tagging your blog name in the post. If you see it and or read it then its actually ok if you don't ever speak to me again.....I mean you're the one in charge and I know if you don't soeak first, then there's just nothing left to do but just hope you enjoy life.

Take care of yourself Kourt.....thanks for everything.....

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qtlitoang3l · 6 years

Text

2018 .

another year down .. it went by very fast didnt it ? time is going by even faster .

2017 was a year full of roller coasters .. a lot of ups , but equally as many downs . i usually reflect my year in Dec/Jan so here it goes . January: I started school again . BIG step , considering i was out for 2 years before then . i remember how excited yet nervous i was . im so glad i did it . It was also the month that my good friend from high school , Brandon , told me that he was getting deployed (he’s in the army) in Feb . i was scared , but all i could do was pray for him to come back home alive . he came back home last month (Dec 2017) safe and sound . i thanked God for watching over him . unfortunately , a few days later , my dad got a heart attack .. now THAT was the scariest moment of my life . i still remember that day very clearly . it haunts me every time . ill never forget the sight of my dad holding his chest , sliding down the couch , and grabbed my hand for his life , grasping for breathe . after 3 days being in the hospital , he was discharged with meds and a new plan for his diet . my mom was by herself at work so my siblings and i had to go out to help while my dad was in the hospital . i knew how scared she gets when shes by herself . my dad and i werent on good terms for a year until this moment happened . i guess we both realized that life is so short and that anything could happen in a second . more importantly , im so glad he’s okay til this day . On a happier note , that was also the month that i purchased my first firearm ! so bad ass right ? The beginning of the year was rough , but it got better ! February: Had dinner with Brandon and Aimee b4 he got deployed . Again , i prayed for his safety . I went to a concert (william singe and alex aiono) , which was so fun . Not much happened that month . Had a valentine’s day dinner with the girls and with an old friend .

March: this month was important because thats when i found that my sister was having a boy!! amazing news right ? and i could finally be an aunt ! I also watched the Lion King on broadway . i think thats a pretty cool thing to mention , right ? it was such a good show !

April: Finals month ... ugh . also my bday month .. didnt do anything cuz all my finals were on the week of my bday . Got my car fixed that month too after that bad car accident . ugh . May: went to a friend’s dowry , did my first 5K bubble run , went to a house warming party , picked up my mom from her 2 week vacation . she deserved it . Did i mention it was the first semester that i start a nursing course ? nerve-wracking!!

June: My sister’s baby shower . SO FUN ! i decorated everything and bought this beautiful cake . everything was obviously blue :) i also remember having A LOT of exams back to back . not fun at all .

July: My nephew was born .. it was the best day ever . it changed my life . i am an auntie !! he made everyone so happy and everyone was so happy to see him . it was nice to see my whole family together and happy . I also went to a really fun wedding that month .

August: After a brutal semester and final , I WENT TO LA !! its been forever since ive been on vacation !! i prefer to go with friends , but i went with my siblings . ups and down on that trip and wouldnt wanna travel again with them unless my parents were there . lesson learned and long story . still have pictures that i havent posted from that trip !

September: went to birthday dinners , a wedding , apartment warmings , a “bachelor” party (lol) and started school again . This was also the month that one of the doctors at DH passed away from breast cancer . it was a very gloomy time for my coworkers . i wasnt at work when everyone found out , but ive heard about it . everyone didnt want to work . the atmosphere completely changed . I went to her funeral , but only the beginning part . instead of being sad , we celebrated her life as a doctor and her passion for her career . it was a sad time and the world lost such a talented person . RIP Dr. Stanfield. at the end of the month my friend dan got married at city hall , which was everything he wanted . didnt have to spend a lot of money at all ! October: My friend threw a huge house party for his birthday . parties are not like they use to be . but because most of the ppl there were older , there wasnt much drinking or playing games , which was the sucky part . no one really wanted to do anything . not sure why , but it is what it is . Also did a photoshoot that month , which i havent done in a long time . forgot how much fun it was .

November: Ughhhh drama month out of all the other months , only because this girl is totally obsessed with her ex and hes literally the only thing she talks about . basically we went to the club and she KNEW he was gonna be there yet she decided to come with us . okay . she sees him , starts freaking out , gets all dramatic like “OMG he totally saw me” type of dramatic . it actually went as far as “i could get him kicked out RIGHT NOW if i wanted . i KNOW the bouncers here , dont test me” yeup .. DRAMA . it was entertaining at the same time . my mistake was that she could handle herself . no , she was totally sloppy and even fell.. in front of her ex .. nbd -.- GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER . i stopped hanging out with her .. i couldnt handle it the negative vibes . she came to the thanksgiving party the week after and of course she brought that weekend back and started venting about how she saw her ex and shit . i honestly didnt care . Anyways , thanksgiving with the sister’s in laws was alright . there was some questionable food that i had no idea what the mom was cooking though .. it was some weird things .

December: went to a holiday party , met and saw some friends . it was a good time ! that was also the month that i thought i was gonna fail but ended up passing in the end . THANK GOD . the whole week after the final , i literally went out every day to go drink . you can tell how much stress i was under . lol . i noticed that i was getting a cough , so i cooled down on the drinking after that week . figured i should take care of myself right ? i watched a cirque du soleil show . fantastic as usual . My friend duy asked me to part of this pageant because there was not enough girls .. hmm ... well i didnt wanna just compete because there werent a lot of girls .. so he sat me down and literally gave me a power point show as to why i should join . LOL . i appreciated the time and effort , so id do it for a friend in need . it’ll be fun ! maybe not intense as miss massachusetts but it’ll be a good experience . a big accomplishment that month was when i went snowboarding for the first time in my life !! omg it was so much more fun that i thought it was ! i was hesitant to go because my student that passed away from a snowboarding accident (RIP) , but i couldnt be afraid forever .. it was for him :)

And nooow .. we are in January !! crazy how much has happened in a year .. my resolution this year , besides spending time with my brother , is be more carefree and not care what other ppl think . i think i need to focus on being happy instead of trying to please others . i was told by someone .. that i should be myself more and ppl will see how fun/funny i am . haha , maybe i should ! i will def try . ive kept my guard up for a long time around a lot of ppl and i know ill regret it 50 years from now when im old . im gonna wish i was myself more .

as for you .. yes you .. you know exactly who you are .. i left a section specifically for you . its been a while .. a long while actually . you may or may not still read my .. “journal” .. i might just be writing this for no one to read and now one will ever see , but i guess ill never know . and its okay . even though youre not here anymore and you may not ever be anymore , im living my life the best way that i can , going through life like i never knew you . has it been hard ? yes . am i forgetting our memories ? .. i might have .. i mightve even forgotten what you look like . i dont go on your social media and you are prob doing the same . i think of you from time and time , but not in the way that you think . in a way that i hope you are doing well and only sending you positive vibes . i still pray for you and ask you to be watched over . anyways . i know youre mad .. and i understand . you’ll always have a hold of me .. but eventually .. i have to let that go .. or at least i have to learn how to . i miss our friendship , but i guess if i care about you that much .. i cant be selfish anymore . and i promise that after this , i wont be writing about you anymore .. it’ll all just disappear eventually .. my wish to you is to find happiness . i hope you can promise me that .. take care of yourself .

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