#so bad you dont understand but where the fuck did my money go and why is my wallet empty SOBS)
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RAHHHHHH HIHIHIIIIII MELONNN <33
"i had a good dream that i thought was going to be very silly but then the ending was sad and i woke up and was like WAIT NO IT CANT END LIKE THAT . so i reworked the plot in my head and tried to go back to sleep to continue and fix the dream but wegh it didnt work... SOBS."
STOP WAIT I DO THAT A LOT TOO LIKE its like oh no i dont like this scene BOOM rewind! noooo the story cant end like that TRY AGAIN! ueueueueue thats so sad why didnt it work ueueue sobes with you also. FICTIONAL CHARS APPEARING IN YOUR DREAMS IS SO REAL HELP i rmb once i watched a fan animatic of xiao playing the kazoo n that night i dreamt that he was playing a saxophone which sounded like a kazoo n i was throwing confetti n paper money at him,, i hope he appears in your dreams soon i think it will be a very interesting dream hehe.
ALSO. AKABANE KARMA??? HELLO?????? when is it my turn smh. ...vox... akuma.... his cooking streams were the death of me omfg AND WHAT. HYUNJIN AND BEOMGYU??? WHAT. 😀 that was a very interesting dream CRYING they THREW CEREAL AT YOU ?? i.. i won't ask any further. mhm.
THE HEADBOPPING WITH LIGHTS OFF IS SO REAL HAHAHKJDHFKS but for me it's more like my brother walking in on me aggressively bopping to music and walks straight out :'D fun times!
japanese is a nightmare i tell you. i am quite effectively illiterate in japanese sobs n falls to the ground HAHAHSKLJFHLDSJK why. why does 怪我 and 怪我 mean different things WHY. (one is 'blame me' and one is 'injury') why is 娘 mother and daughter at the same time. why. 日本語話とても難しです。*weary noises* but duolingo is actually p good for building vocab i think !! YIPPEE!!
ok yes questions. im a kaeya [BEEEEEEP] i meant kaeya main. LOL i cant think of other fictional chars atm so i will just say!! fav genshin chars!! kaeya beidou ayato kazuha fischl furina kirara collei childe && uhm uhm i forgot the rest OMG YEAH 呵呵以后不想让任何人知道我们在谈什么就可以用华语🤭 RAHHHH i recently became absolutely obsessed with modern family i think its really funny && animes! uhhhhhh spyxfam! campfire cooking! senko-san! the genius prince! my next life as a villainess! parallel world pharmacy! and i forgot the rest! HAHAHAHA ooh ooh okok adding on!! what are the top 3 items on your bucket list for 2024?
giggles loudly back at you HAHAHKJSKJF i get loads of bye-lingual moments though,, (forgot the word for tissue in all 4 languages but somehow knew it was spelt taschentuch in german) & yeahh i switch a lot w my brothers esp when we wanna say stuff we don't want people understanding (read: parents) && normally it's mandarin with parents + english sometimes!! yippee!!
NAH CAUSE THeRE WERE. TWO KARMAS. SOBBING. DONT ASK ME WHY BUT HE HAD A CLONE AND THEY WERE BOTH ROMANCING (?) ME?? idk. that dream was a blur and i dont remember it anymore UGHSDJK
the vox. the vox one. i remember. so vividly. i was a vtuber and we were playing minecraft and i did something super cool and funny and the next day there were clips about me and i sobbed wtih joy and then i woke up in my hotel and laid there for a solid half hour questioning if that was real and knowing it wasnt but praying it was. sobs.
wAI WAIA RYUU ARE YOU. ARE YOU A KPOP FAN. STARES AT YOU. SHAKES YOUR SHOULDERS VIOLENTLY if you are. fave groups and biases pretty please. i am in love with skz + txt + enhypen. E E E EE. E E JFSDODJkldlkjlajs biases are hyunjin (big surprise) n miho, txt bias is beomgyu (another crazy, wild, surprise!!) and honestly i cant choose with enhypen but im sorta leaning towards ni-ki rn... e e e e
dont be shy ryuu. whats the redacted. :) aaa for me fave characters... wai have i already said this idc uhm uhm xiao + kaveh + gorou + dori + nahida + venti + furina + fischl + oh so many more. ik some people dislike dori but she just wants the mula and honestly girl same LMAO
ooo spy x family is the silliest!! (have you seen buddy daddies).. for me im watching several things at once rn but its the apothecary diaries, the eminence in the shadow, and migi n dali !! these are all still airing rn so im having a silly time
uhhodkoadsfd tbf i dont really have a bucket list... if we're talking abt small goals ig its just to get good grades cause of my asian parents, to improve my art, and to finally bring my smau out of its stalemate cause i havent touched it in months and i feel bad abt it... sjdflkd
help when i talk with my brother about things we dont want our parents to hear we cant speak in mandarin cause they know it so we just replace the first letter of every word with b except for some few select examples
like. "brek babing bot bis bere" is shrek's bathing spot is here and dont even ask me why i wouldnt be able to tell you LMAO
and "b-b-b-b-b-beer" is like how are you or soemthing along those lines. my brain fries every time we attempt to speak in bod (dont ask why we named it that either i cant tell you too my brain is empty) and WOADOJFOS SAME HERE !!! uhalkdf hmm more questions... do you read any manhwa / manhua and if so which. because i NEED MORE MANHWA READERS IN MY FEED PLE. A S E
#★ ˎˊ˗ melonrambles!#★ ˎˊ˗ inbox... mooties!!#⋆˙⟡♡ᝰ.ᐟ - ryuu (like like fjoafjlk i have the physical copies of wmmap n solo levling n the world after the fall n the remarried empress)!!#and and and i have like 1u209840921 other on my wish list... THE REASON RAELINA ENDED UP IN TEH DUKES MANSION. JUNGLE JUICE (i need this on#so bad you dont understand but where the fuck did my money go and why is my wallet empty SOBS)
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#bo posting#vent#kinda???#had a weird moment today where i was like oh man#remember when you were poor#like POOR#like boil water on the stove because your mom couldnt afford the water bill this month poor???#why did that happen???#my dad refused to pay child support for the three of us for years#i have no idea how much that was so i went to go look it up#i didnt know that before the divorce my dad was making 6 figures#meaning he would have owed roughly 650 for each kid a month#7800 a year#62400 for the 8 years hed have paid for me#even if i ballparked it and said he missed 2 full years of payment#hed owe me like 15000???#im fucking. speechless#i understand it was bad i always did but this is ? vile ?#my mom did everything she could to afford to keep a roof over our heads#and he had the audacity to claim she used that money on herself#she weighed like 120 lbs soaking wet because she fed us first#i mean this with every muscles. fiber. bone. and all the blood in my body#i hope he dies a painful fucking death holy shit#go runaway into the woods again and this time dont come back#when you die you better have solid fucking lawyers because i will come for your god damn inheritance#i know you didnt leave your 3 kids anything#i know you didnt leave my half sister anything#god only knows how many other siblings i have#rot in a ditch ?????#🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡
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Im having tons of fun crawling all over your dick grayson tag and checking out the comics you've commented on. Batman year one:scarecrow has to be my favorite bbydick and bruce dynamic lol, but also if my dad nerve pinched ME to keep me out of the fight idve gone ballistic immediately upon waking. Betcha dick made *very sure* bruce could never keep him out of a fight that way again (though i didn't quite understand what dick meant when he said he feared batman in a godfearing way? Like its a raw as hell line but i dont quite get what he meant)
Excellentttttt, there's a lot of really fun Dick Grayson comics out there, and that one is just an absolute joy. (I would also recommend One Bad Day: Mr. Freeze, because I think it captures the same feral gremlin angel baby energy of Year One: Batman/Scarecrow! But also Robin & Batman. And Batman: Dark Victory.) The art combined with the dynamic is just so top-tier:
Dick just REFUSING to be serious about Bruce's cranky moods!
Dick casually flinging himself upside down on the couch while talking to Bruce! Refusing to let Bruce snipe at him, he's serious about this, too, you know! What's making you such a pill tonight?
Dick scooting under Bruce's arm to get a better look at some evidence in their case, like he's so little! And he just WRIGGLES RIGHT IN THERE, absolutely no thought for personal space! Or leans his head right on Batman's arm to get a closer look! And that's something that will continue even when he's big as an adult, he has never met personal space of a loved one that he would not casually violate!
Hopping up on the table to curl up with his arms around his knees, like he's not a tiny baby child, and going, "Bruce, seriously, something's wrong, talk to me." as if he's the adult in this situation while sitting there like a TINY BABY CHILD.
Leaving money for a guy they just beat up!
Bruce PICKING HIM UP BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK like he weighs nothing, like he's just a pet cat to haul out of harm's way!
Dick trying to flirt with the receptionist and Bruce LOOMING with a cracking knuckles gesture, like if you even THINK about taking this tiny baby child seriously about how he's offering a date, it will not end well.
THEN MOVING DICK OUT OF THE WAY BY PUTTING ONE HAND ON HIS FACE AND SHOVING, I love Bruce, he's awful and the best.
Dick noticing details and asking really good questions, like that kid may not be as trained as Bruce is yet, but it definitely shows he had a natural affinity for detective work, that he's probably genuinely one of the best detectives out there after Bruce himself!
But also the "god-fearing way" and the nerve pinch lend it some nice crunch, because those moments (for all that this is a genre where these things should NOT be taking totally seriously, this is comics) are really kind of fucked up. I think, while Dick doesn't fear Bruce as a person, he can see the person Bruce is underneath the persona, there's part of him that understands Bruce is not always in control of himself and he does things he later regrets because of it. The whole mini is undercurrented with Bruce being in a bad mood, being surly and snapping, beating up people with more force than needed, slamming tables in his frustration, not talking things out.
Dick sees how that plays out, it's why he keeps needling Bruce to talk to him--and Dick's not going to let any of that hold him back, he clearly feels safe enough to tease Bruce, to wriggle in under his arm, to lean on him, to snap back at him. But he also knows that Bruce can do things that are terrifying. He fears that Bruce is going to shut him out. He fears for the people in Batman's way. He knows Bruce will regret those things, but when Batman swoops down on someone he sees as being in his way, that's terrifying, like a wrathful, vengeful god.
He's not really bothered by the nerve pinch, he gets why Bruce did it, and it hardly slowed him down that much. He understands that it was Bruce's way of protecting him, because he didn't want Dick to get hurt, but also I think Dick probably sees it as a challenge--to avoid it or overcome it again in the future, it's good training!
Like, what a beautiful, wonderful, sweet, fucked up dynamic those two have! What a hilarious feral gremlin child he is, what an incredible "the child has to be just as mature as the adult, sometimes more mature" deliciously awful dynamic that is!
Anyway, if any of you others enjoy Batman comics, please read Year One: Batman/Scarecrow, it is so funny and delightful and fucked up in a way I'm not sure it meant to be but sure is tasty as hell!
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TMAGP Live Reaction - Ep 13
This probably won't be a regular thing since I usually listen to the new episodes on my way home from school, but I wanted to do it today and no-one can stop me
Pre-Episode
Aw this dedication is so nice, reminds me of how I used to sign off on social media when I was younger
Pre-Statement
omg samcelia date samcelia date
they're so cute omg
"she also said that you dont know how cute you are" alice dyer youre not fooling anyone
i wanna hear what this interaction sounded like between alice and celia
"nobody, i'm mysterious" this isnt gonna come back to haunt us im sure
omg samcelia dating reveal already
JACKS HER SON OMG
"wild couple of years after i moved here" does this mean that celias way of coping with being dropped in a different universe was to just fuck... iconic
either that or jack got brought along with her and shes just covering it up. or jack has some mysterious origins that we dont know about
omg a horror protagonists with loving, alive parents wow
i was not expecting sam to be this relatable oh no
sam :(
oh no an "incident"
alice :(
i love celia just being "i know we're on a date and thats great and all but what do you think about the Horrors"
ofc you know theyre real you lived through the apocalypse
ah hello lena and gwen
ah gwen is learning about the consequences of delivering a random address to a living mr blobby knockoff
ooh are we gonna get some exposition
yes we are
these are our Fears i presume
you work in the government responsible for discarding peoples experiences and traumas gwen you werent exactly one of the good guys to begin with
guys i dont think shes gonna sort it
Statement
hold music?? hello?? do we recognise this voice?? needles??
i cannot understand what the name of this company is but i do not like them
the autoresponder sounds so cunty who are they i must know
oooh a scottish guy we love a scottish guy
"i pay your wages" sounding ass. telling the autoresponder that youre the highest investor in a gambling app isnt the flex you think it is dude
i think if a website that directly involves the handling of your money does "weird background checks" and has a "janky interface", staying is less of a feat of loyalty and more a feat of stupidity
oh this guy does nfts for sure
are you allowed to blame the warning you didnt listen to for the consequences?
oh his friends suck too
damn all jokes aside i feel bad for this dude
ohhh so is this like the dice where things can only get so good before they go terribly? or is it like a "when your life gets bad your money goes up" thing
ah its the second option
tbf if its not against the law its not against the law
this guy is the definition of "20 pounds is 20 pounds"
suddenly i dont feel as sorry for this guy
i have a sneaking suspicion that this guy did not get his money
oh nevermind
OOOOOOH NEVERMIND THAT NEVERMIND
huh
HUH
DID THEY SEND A CREATURE TO GET HIM WHAT
Post-Statement
Alice!!
Ooooh he got pished
Alice really out here dissing every kind of date I've ever been on
oh no :(
sam no :(
sam apologise please
shes right tho youre in the wrong place if you don't want weird
alice :(
this is why a polycule would fix everything
alice i love you
sam i love you but you deserved that
#tmagp#the magnus protocol#samama khalid#celia ripley#alice dyer#gwendolyn bouchard#lena kelley#tmagp spoilers#tmagp reaction
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Yeah I pretty much agree however I take a little issue with saying they are raking it in. Going off the numbers you used 12k time 5 is 60k, minus 45% is 33k. Thats one persons salary. Not a bad salary, but just one. Id bet that the 5 dollar tier probably brings in the most money, but even if we assume each tier brings in 1 salaries worth of money, how many tiers do they have? 5? 8? Youtube adds couldnt have been a major source of income for them if they were willing to pull videos off youtube. And this little fermi problem were doing here doesnt even touch on production costs. Again, I do agree with your points, but I think the boys were in a no win scenario. They were probably hurting for money, which is what motivated this. Its a shame some fans think they are being greedy when they probably just want to expand, while still paying their employees above market rate!
presumably the majority of their tax payments would be write offs or deductions because it's directly for the business. wait lol hold on my patreon math was fucked. its been a while since ive looked over the fees rates and shit. where did i get 30%. it's closer to 20.
i dont know when their patreon started, but its possible that they have the sweetheart deal that i do because i got in early. patreon fees range from 5% to 12% depending on which plan you choose. that's platform fees. then there's payment processor fees (2.9% + 0.30USD or 3.9% for outside the U.S.) and then a currency conversion fee (if applicable) and VAT (if applicable). closer to 20%. setting the record straight.
i think its unlikely that each tier brings in a salary's worth of income. im not sure i understand why they need an office in LA or large production costs considering my understanding is that most of what they do is talking to each other over a table.
im not sure why the conclusion is that youtube wasnt ever a source of income. it seems that it was (freakishly so, if its anything like other people at their scale) up until recently, due to complicated factors that i sincerely hope is heralding the end of advertising-based monetization.
it seems obvious to me that when money is tight, as would have been expected when let go from buzzfeed, you scale down and do a donation drive. instead of, you know, not throwing money into a guaranteed failure of an idea
if the audience feels like they're being nickeled and dimed its for a reason: they are
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Do you think Soda has PTSD from his dad?
(Wonder if u two are mind linked lol)
Short answer: I'm not sure about flashbacks or other PTSD symptoms since Im not an expert on it; *I* dont usually have it in mind per se, but objectively it's very possible and understandable.
(Warning: gonna talk about parental abuse. Obviously. But only in the context of the effects it might have, no real descriptions of violence)
Long answer: I think Soudas relationship with his dad is one of those messy, awful, complicated ones that you might not really understand until years later, when you've gotten some distance.
I think he says that he used to stay home during field trips and class events, because his dad was kinda poor and Souda didn't want him to have to field the expenses; but instead of just saying that, he just kinda. Didn't go. And got beat for it. So he might have not felt safe just saying "I'm gonna skip school because it's cheaper" (not to generalize but, Fathers and feeling like they're not considered Head of House / Full Provider, amiright). A little bit of "I gotta do things right and if I dont do them right then it's bad news but it's fine because I'll just do it better next time".
I think he wanted, generally, to have a good relationship with his dad and be helpful- trying to save money, helping out at their workshop/garage, just kinda hanging out, etc. Like he actually wanted to and thought he could have a great father/son thing going on if he just tried a little harder or did things a little differently, changed himself a little, never really thinking of talking it out or telling anyone- because it's not so bad and he can totally handle it! And it's not like he gets his ass beat every day it's only occasionally (when he fucks up) and in between, they actually have a good time together sometimes! His dad is like, almost his friend! And his dad does keep him fed and clothed and supports his passion (and his very good at reminding Souda that he should be thankful) so it's NO Big Deal. Just like his ex-best-friend throwing him under the bus was no big deal, just as long as no one starts ignoring him or leaving him out or kicking him out of the house its FINE.
That's why he talks about it so casually, because it's fine, and its only once he has enough distance from the situation and gets to hear different perspectives that he's like, oh, that was messed up actually.
Like, Hajime and Sonia both seem shocked, but they come from such a different background so its okay that they dont get it- but Fuyuhiko gets furious about it too, and while his parents sucked they never actually beat him- and Akane has been through A Damn Lot but even she seems really uncomfortable with the idea that okay yeah Soudas dad beat the shit out of him a few times (it's the Big Sister in her).
And just like, with time and good friends around, I can see Souda having moments where he just remembers something he used to think nothing of and goes "wait that was fucked up actually??" Like, they're just fishing or something, and he goes "hey... did your parents ever try to convince you something didn't happen when it probably definitely did?" And depending on who he asks the answer is different, but generally its "nnnno?" and he's like "oh ..... that's kinda messed up isnt it?" Yes, Souda, it is messed up.
And he might have reactions and ideas that he didn't think about too much when he was still in his home situation, like his general fearfulness and jumpiness, being convinced people might turn on him, being kind of a people-pleaser sometimes, flinching excessively around certain noises or movements, being quick to cower and cover his head, etc, quick to latch onto people who are any kind of nice to him. Stuff that's just kind of his personality by now, but he probably got it from somewhere.
I'm not an expert tho and I won't armchair diagnose or anything, this is just my personal interpretation.
(According to A Therapist that stuff is not classified as PTSD symptoms if it's not accompanied by flashbacks or painful memories / stuff you actively try not to remember, but what do I know)
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I have a request. If the obey me characters were busy and miss them so we stole their jacket. How will they react when they found out we are wearing it?
Obey me brothers react! When Mc stole there jacket~
A/N : fluff fluff fluff fluff every where
Genre : fluff
Warning : none
♡🌹♡🌹♡🌹♡🌹♡🌹♡🌹♡🌹♡🌹♡🌹♡🌹♡🌹♡🌹♡🌹
Licifer
First off all his human is missing second his coat..
He found those two at the same time
You were all curled up into a ball in ur bed
"Mc if you want my attention you know you can just ask me, right?" He chuckled
While you were asleep and got surprised at his deep voice..
"Sorry.."
"Mm L... Let me sleep more.."
And! You dozed off
Lucifer layed down next to you
"Mc did you miss me?" He kissed your forehead
"... Y... Yes" he chuckled and caresses you cheek
"I'm sorry honey you can sleep again" And cuddled you, tho even he's not the man who hate hugs.. Mc your making the impossible possible 🙎♀️
Mammon
gambling gambling and gambling until he forgot about paying attention to you..
when you guys got home he counted his money and took off his jacket
You stole it before he can even notice it and excuse yourself
And now?? "Where are you mc??? WHERE DID MY JACKET GO-"
he got up and went to your room only to find out your wearing it
And you ofc who was sleeping and was surprised when he slammed the door
He's flustered
"O-oi!!! Thats mine! Don't steal that.. Ya human d-dont know what happens when you steal from a demon!!"
"do ya' wanna be cuddles by THE GREAT MAMMON that bad?"
"ofc ya wanna HAHAHA"
Mammon...
Leviathan
he's playing another game for a ruri-chan figurine! omg shocker
while you, mc who needs affection you decided to steal his own big ass jacket
curl up into a ball in his tub and sleep.. Zz
When he was done he realized that his jacket.. GONE!!
and then he saw ur feet.. Laying on the sides of the tub he looked at it and.. AHH... M-MOE..
Your all curled up... M-MOE..
He can't take it
He fainted
And woke up
"Mc I had a dream that you wore my-"
He's a stuttering mess.
Satan
"where his jacket? idk" -mammon to -Luci
Mc who needed affection took the jacket sir-
"My my~ what are you doing with my jacket?"
"Did you miss me?"
"Awhh look at you.."
he. teases. you. Every. Fucking. Second
And you took it off
"Mm.. Hmph"
"Sweetie I was just joking pls, wear it again, pls?"
"No..dont wanna, leave" you were clearly pouting
"Sweetie pls I'm sorry =("
And you wore it. ugh this mf guilt tripping mc-
you guys slept together <3
Asmodeus
he whine since where is his scarf??
And he found you.. And his scarf!
"Honey you look to good!"
"Let's take a selfie! Cmon don't be shy~"
"You look so cute darling~"
you just wanted warmness and to sleep.. How did it got to you trying every clothes that he has
How
When
Why
What is your questions
And after you were done.. You guys slept and cuddled
"I love you~ you looked so cute in my scarf I'm sorry~"
"Hmph.. I love you too"
Help I'm so tired I'm. Just gonna do belphie and beel together 😭
Beel and belphie
you were wearing beels jacket and you took belphies pillow
It's freezing.. IN HELL????
"belphie look. Your pillow :D"
"Beel that's your jacket- owh."
"Mc what are?.."
"Mc's sleeping" beel said
"Let's sleep next to mc :)"
And when they cuddled up to you you woke up
"Ahm.. Sorry I took you guys stuffs.."
"It was freezing and.. My human body can't handle it"
"We understand ^^" beel said
"Beel ur so war.." And you fall asleep
Both giggled and you guys slept together
BONUS BECUZ I LOVE THEM
when you woke up you saw the twins chatting, and you got up to go to the bathroom
"Where are you going?"
"Bathroom" and you walk off
When you got back.. You saw
"Cuddle with us pls.. "
"Aight."
HI HII THANKS FOR REQUESTING, I'm so close to opening "leave tip?" Even though my writings is shit hehahahah
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just need to work this all out
ok so im unemployed fresh college grad atm and ive got job apps sent in and even an interview lined up but that interview is in the town my dad is in so im staying with my dad but in the time ive spent waiting for that date ive been with an employment agency but the job that place sent me to was the absolute worst and my mental health has plummeted to the point that i’m getting physically sick both bc of the job and bc i feel like i have to keep looking over my shoulder with my dad right there.
i skipped work saturday and today which is insanely immature but i cant think im struggling to sleep and eat bc of this and today i emailed the agency saying i wish to end our agreement. they said they wished i gave a notice (tbf i thought i had when i was like “i’m moving away” on saturday.. but whatever. actually not whatever — that shouldntve been discounted and im not entirely at fault here) but that they wish me the best and i said thank you and sorry for the inconvenience.
earlier last week when i told dad this job is really bad for me he told me to stay working there until i get another job secured. i did not do that and now im terrified of telling him that i quit bc i dont know what hes going to do plus i dont want to talk about it with him i just want to be left alone
also this interview ive got lined up is for a really great company however i dread working there bc that means i have to stay with dad. i want to go back to where i used to live. also i dont like that one of the high up workers there is friends with my dad. being a nepo baby is great unless the nepo comes from my dad. i dont trust him to not keep tabs on me and i dont want him knowing what ive been doing or where ive been. not that im doing anything illegal i just want him to fuck off, yknow?
all of this leads back to the problem ive always had in that hes a huge control freak who needs to know everything going on in my life and i cant escape. my mom got out through the divorce but im still stuck here and i cant leave either bc even if i cant breathe with him and his wife and their kids i love my paternal grandparents and aunt and uncle. im just so paranoid and anxious and i feel like i cant breathe
im so sick of disappointing people but also the stuff my dad is proud of me about is stuff im not that proud of. its like i just cant win with him.
oh and paranoia aside i dont want to owe him anything bc he used to ignore me for months despite me calling and messaging him constantly (to the point that my mom was like “do you even love me? do you even want to be here do you even care?”) when he took me out for dinner one of the times he decided to acknowledge me he said he’d pay for a field trip (past the time the fee was due so i had to get special permission from the teacher) then the next week he said i only talk to him when i need money so actually no hes not giving me anything. WHAT. and then a couple years later he was like “i never got to be your parent you never let me be your dad :(“ and when i was like “why” he was like “i had to always go have fun with you instead of discipline you bc i didnt want our time together to be all sad and me getting mad at you” like again. WHAT.
he said that bc i was like “i was rly hurt when you said i only come to u for money bc i reached out to u a lot and u never replied”. so. idk what to do with that but i still dont rly understand the argument from him here. but yeah i was like rly hurt and then he started crying talking about how he never got to be my dad even tho i was like 19 when this convo happened so he had 19 years to try and didnt and its rly unfair that im supposed to feel guilty for denying him this even tho i was the child and he had total control he could decide what to do with me and he chose wrong and now hes taking it out on me here in this restaurant. ok.
its so fucked cuz now im like so was i doing something wrong all those times we were tgt? like idk im just scared around him bc i dont ever know if im doing something wrong bc he wont tell me or maybe he will or maybe he . idk i just cant sit still yknow?
also his wife is racist and ive got to deal with microaggressions from her. and hes a pastor
anyway i just needed to get that all out there to feel a bit less crazy. thank you for coming to my ted talk ✌️😗
OH YEAH. and he makes me feel stupid all the fucking time like i dont need a job right now. i Should get one but i dont have a mortgage im not buying groceries i dont need to pay for insurance I DONT NEED A JOB. but he told me to stay in this shitass job bc i need it. dude it had me out in the sun all day (ALL DAY) paying $10/hr and had me coming home genuinely thinking about killing myself. not even bc of the physical labor but bc it was so under-stimulating like i was in my head all day no music no interesting surroundings no conversation nothing for me to solve. and he was all like “well sometimes we have to do work that we don’t like” YEAH I FUCKING KNOW DICKHEAD. my mom said he talked like that to her too and also apparently ok not to brag bc im fr not but im rly smart like im fucking brilliant and my dad always acted like it was bc of him but my mom’s other kids are also brill while my dad’s other kids are… theyre sweet kids and intelligence isnt everything im aware i know but its like “really dickhead?” i just hate how he belittles u and talks like ur dumb. im not dumb. dont piss me off
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if this is too personal ya dont gotta answer but what made you realize you weren't transmasc/trans?
OH WELL I MEAN.... it's kinda complicated? In the sense that I'd have to explain all the little pebbles that lead up to road of me identifying that way in the first place. Simply, I think apart of it had to do with the act of deconstructing all those years, my internal thought process and also my personal perception of gender and sex.
(THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG ACTUALLY I LIED)
I was very confident I was trans when I first 'came out'. It seemed like such a simple answer. Puberty hit me suddenly, it seemed, and I could not cope with having the mind of a child but the body of a woman. It felt like overnight I had been haphazardly stuffed into the skin of a porn star. I didn't like that when people looked at me it was my sex they saw first, above anything else, and not my personality. Not my humor, not my hobbies, not who I was on the inside. I felt trapped, suffocated by my own breast, my hips, the curves that were constantly prevalent through the fabric of my clothing. It disgusted me. It scared me. It felt as though everything had changed and now I had this role to fill. I've always been a bit of a tomboy so being traditionally feminine made me feel out place. Like I was wrong, pretending to be something I wasn't. I hated skirts, hated dresses, despised wearing makeup because I felt it exasperated these feelings of-
"You aren't right, you aren't one of them, you're different; a farce, an imitation."
Then I got more involved on the queer side of the internet and with these feelings that had arose, combined with the gender dysphoria I had felt in the past as a younger child (caused by trauma and general tomboyness) I was like. Oh. I must be a dude. It makes perfect sense. That's why I don't feel like a 'woman', that's why I hate my tits and my hips, that's why I'm so bad at being a girl.
It went this way for a while, I flipped flopped for a couple years and also went SUPER HARDCORE BIMBO MALLSLUT when I was around 17-18 'cuz I was really desperate to be a normal girl (aka dressing really slutty and sending nudes for money and then getting confused when I got horribly horribly fucked up over it cuz isn't this supposed to be empowering? What about the slut walks? This is my choice, isn't it? So why do I feel like killing myself?)
I WENT AWHILE BEING TRANS THOUGH, EVEN THE TIMES I WOULDN'T ADMIT IT OUT LOUD I SAW MYSELF THAT WAY....
I hated being 'misgendered' and being called a girl in general. I knew that when they saw me as a female, despite my best efforts, that I had failed to obscure myself properly and was a walking monstrosity. Instead of seeing someone who was normal, I knew that they saw a disgusting, man-ish, and ultimately failing woman instead. It completely repulsed me and I'd get shivers of delight when someone would mistake me as a boy, because that meant that the inherent sexualization of my body had been successfully hidden. I had been a 'person' and seen as someone 'normal' and not just a mound of tits and hips jiggling around.
There were times where I would get hyper focused on appearing as masculine as possible (other times where I simply wouldn't care), and I'd make a great effort at micro-managing every little thing about me. Hiding my small hands, being extremely critical of the way I walked, the lingo I used, the way that I sat. It'd make me feel dizzy sometimes, this obsession with trying to being something that ultimately I did not understand. Being male did not come naturally to me, it was something that I had to try to whip into every fiber of my being to feel a semblance of validity. But yet often, I did not recognize myself. Looking into the mirror often brought feelings of drifting and derealization. The critiques my mind constantly supplied would keep me up at night and it felt like a battle I was constantly losing.
I was so exhausted and tired from these years of fear and hating myself, being too afraid to touch anything feminine because I was convinced I couldn't do it right. I asked myself, what is gender? What is sex?
Is it normal for a woman with trauma to hate her body so deeply? To feel fake? Could I just be a woman, as I was, and not need to change a thing?
What is a woman? Is a woman just a 'feeling?' you're supposed to have? Is a woman makeup and high heels and shiny things? Is a woman being naturally empathetic and maternal? Or it simply a state of being? A body you were born into?
I had often wished to be born as a man but it was the realization that no, if I had been born into a male body and raised that way I wouldn't be myself at all. It wouldn't be like just like plopping my brain into a different body. The person I am now, my experiences and my personality wouldn't even be remotely the same. I am who I am because I was born female. It made me appreciate myself for the first time, in a unique way.
I found that I would try to embrace my fears and be an 'ugly' woman and that I was tired of obsessing over my gender and how I was perceived by the eyes of others. I started reading more stuff from angry feminist, watching movies with female leads (that winter Ginger Snaps and Jennifers Body played on repeat, yo) and listening to detransitioners.
And slowly, I found, I loved being a woman. Women have something men don't and that's something I've just observed- and I am very observant. I have a need to understand people and their behaviors, I watch those around me closer than most and I spend a lot of time in my own head either psycho-analyzing myself or those around me.
Men are just different, man. I don't think I realized this as much when I was younger lmao. They aren't the way they are in shows or movies or cartoons; there is no real Eddie Munson, ya know? HE DOESN'T EXIST.... The only times I watch a movie or something and I'm like "Okay, yeah that guy probably actually exist somewhere," is when there's like, a pissed off dad or something.
THEY JUST WORK ON A DIFFERENT FREQUENCY, MAN and I was like, no, actually, I don't want to be apart of.... whatever this is...
EVEN WHEN I WAS TRANS I ONLY HUNG OUT WITH CHICKS AND WIMPY DUDES..... any time I hung out with like, normal guys, it became very apparent that we were on two different levels, ya know?
But you know what's fun....? Just cuz I'm a chick doesn't mean I don't do the crap I used to. Like, fuck, man, I still love pretending I'm a dude sometimes... ITS FUN.... I would totally dyke out with a chick if she wanted to look like a couple of twinks with me. Like yeah man I'll be your boywife, I'll absolutely get into some yaoi boy shit with you idgaf.
I be wearing cargo shorts and an oversized hoodie and dirty sneakers and just looking like an absolute lesbo AND IT DOESNT MEAN SHIT........ I could grow out my mustache, chop off all my hair, wear nothin' but the mens section at H&M but literally that has nothing do with my gender. Why should it? To me being a woman just means that I'm female, doesn't have anything to do with my interest or personality or sparkle feelings or whatever (although, I do be shopping). AND CLEARLY I MEAN I COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON there's so many things I could ramble on about and honest to god as long as this might be this is probably the most condensed version I could possibly muster (Don't even get me started on the long lasting effects of early childhood sexual trauma and early exposure to porn, how I was more comfortable with the idea of being with a man when I was trans or how the 'queer' internet just poured gasoline on my burning teenage mind) BUT UGHhHh......... I don't know....... I feel like despite my best efforts with my wording I'll still get a pissed off little gamer in my inbox so I'm gonna go cook a turkey burger before I regret speaking at all lmao
BUT YEAH...You guys can ask questions if you want more insight though! I'm pretty open about most things if I feel like you're not asking purely just to put a bee in my bonnet. You can also DM me if you want to get deeper about it but idk.... IDK.... Just some pennies for thoughts.....
#ERHM ERHM#long story short: internalized misogyny#if there are grammatical errors fuck yuo#also it's important to note that it took a while to find explanations for these feelings#like for example I didn't like being misgendered#so I examined that#why don't I like that? what does that really mean?#>It means they didn't see you as a boy#>why does that upset you?#>because that means they saw a girl#>and why don't you like that?#>because if they see me as a girl even when I'm trying to present as a man that means they see a failure of a woman#>and what does it mean to fail as a woman?#ETC ETC....
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it's very very funny (lying) that my ex Vagues Me In Tags Of Posts and CONTINUES to act like I am evil and bad and "not moving on" for talking abt the shit he did to me!!! yea it was inflammatory but there's not really a way to make "this guy is a serial liar + emotionally abusive + also rapes dogs maybe don't give him a platform where he can easily target more people" NOT inflammatory. I dont understand how on other websites people care abt that shit but here I guess it's fine as long as you make enough Funny Posts right?
innes entered a relationship with me in the direct aftermath (which he was 100% aware of, he'd been there for me the like. whole time.) of a relationship that was so abusive I fucking feared for my life
he EXPLICITLY did this because I was vulnerable & scared & needed someone to be there for me, and I'm betting he saw me as a means to an end, that end being "getting out of his abusive grandmother's house for good" bc while homeless I was on a multitude of waiting lists for public housing and other support like that. which he knew, bc I told him. I'd thought abt offering "hey do you want to be roommates" to him before we started dating but iirc he is the one who brought it up when we decided to start working on making it a reality
he would also lead me to pursuing some inheritance from my grandfather who passed away almost a decade ago now which was under the control of my father for Reasons. we were going to use it to buy a house together. the quantity of this inheritance cost my (pending, but I was several years into the process and SO CLOSE to receiving) SSI, cost me some other public assistance I was receiving too but that's the big one. I'm having to restart the entire process from the start now.
I saved and saved and saved for him. pre-inheritance I literally had set a fund aside, specifically to buy him plane tickets if shit ever hit the fan & also to help with other costs if needbe. I worked really hard to save that money through commissions & doing online transcription that only pays $6/hr. I worked and worked and worked and worked for that man.
I helped him get on food stamps, I was happy to help him find a good therapist, good doctor, everything. and then he just took a huge shit on everything I did and the entire relationship and I found out he'd been lying for almost 2 months abt seeing a therapist, and then when I got mad about being mistreated and lied to, that's when he started to act like I was this evil and malicious person. because I confronted him. because I didn't just sleep and let it happen. classic textbook abuser behavior
but even then at the time I didn't realize "hey this is abuse" bc I was just so caught up in it, I was so wrapped up around him and had planned my entire future around him. I don't think he EVER did the same for me, which was why it was so easy for him to repeatedly cheat on me, lie to me, and then decide he didn't want to be around someone with a pussy bc that would make him bisexual and he's a homosexual u see. his words not mine!
idk I think it's valid to maybe question the intent of someone who claims to be trans immediately after their ex calls them out for being abusive. especially when some of that abuse surrounded my own transness & gender identity. but I guess because I don't have fucking screenshots of phone calls and discord calls it ~didn't happen~, like way to continue the fucking gaslighting
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Autism anon from earlier, here are the supposed tells/abnormalities I have:
- eating food one at a time, rather than sampling a bit of everything. Say I have a plate with e.g. steak, rice, and carrots on it. I will eat ALL the rice, then ALL the carrots, then ALL the steak. I always figured this was normal, but apparently it’s a tell in kids
- I like making feelings “even” on both side. Like, let’s say I’m walking through a door and I brush my right hand on the doorframe. I’ll immediately touch my left hand to the doorway, or I won’t quite feel right.
- lists. Fucking lists. Excel spreadsheets. I make so many lists and spreadsheets and charts and I don’t even know what I’m doing with all this data. Collating things. Like I made this playlist once of just covers of this old song, and the playlist is eight hours and twenty eight minutes long, and I individually organized the songs by year. I didn’t do it all at once of course, it was a little at a time
- tendency to overexplain if I’m telling a story, even if I know the other person knows the info I’m telling. My sister pointed this out to me, that I do this. Let’s say I were to tell a story about work, I might lead into it with “so we get paychecks, right? Because that’s why we have jobs. Every couple weeks, we get these checks that have a momentary amount, as compensation for the work we did. If you work more hours, you get more money…” etc.
- tendency towards repetitive, compulsive behaviors. I once went a year only listening to one (1) album. While I like movies, I rarely watch new ones, I just rewatch the same few movies over and over again. Some movies, I nearly have memorized as a consequence. I once frequented a specific sushi restaurant so many times that I decided to stop going because I felt self-conscious, but I went back after a week and the lady behind the counter went “you wanted more sushi!” as soon as she saw me walk in. I’m very into ritual, like I’ll eat the same thing every day for a while. Or like, I’ve tried getting into anime, but I just rewatch the same anime instead of watching new ones. Regarding compulsive behaviors, there will be things where I’m like “I need to stop doing this because it’s bad/wastes time/is evil/whatever” and will still feel compelled to do it like some phantom hand is guiding me on a chessboard
- I cannot fucking talk to people. I have no idea how to fucking socialize. I cannot understand fucking social cues. I have sat in awkward silence with so many people so many fucking times, I’ve said the wrong thing so many fucking times
- I unintentionally verbalize my thoughts and talk to myself. It’s very fucking hard to just shut my mouth and keep it shut. Usually it’s a light whisper, if I’m alone I just talk. Or I’ll mouth words, like if I’m thinking or typing. I’m mouthing this right now
- I memorize a lot of trivial facts and will regurgitate them onto people. I guess that’s kinda infodumping? I don’t know, I wouldn’t call them hyperfixations though. I just read wikipedia a lot
You mentioned doing weird repetitive things with my hands, what kind of things? I do repetitive things with my hands too. I can describe it as like, I’ll press down each finger individually one after another with my thumb, then I make a fist with my thumb inside and squeeze and it cracks my fingers, then I do it with the other hand. I click my ankles too, over and over
I don’t know, you be the judge. Surely this isn’t normal at least. I’d say most of these I thought were normal, or at least were acceptable social quirks and not signs of anything greater
when i eat the sausage egg mcgriddle at mcdonalds i take it apart and eat each piece individually with a fork and knife. i dont do this with every food but some foods are too much things at one if you dont take them apart. for curry i dont eat the rice and curry seperate i need an equal amount if curry and rice on the fork with every bite otherwise its wrong. if i have an uneven amount of sauce and other food when i finish any food it really annoy me. the iced Machiato at mcdonalds i dont like it when they stir it ib prefer to drink the caramel milk layer and the espresso layer as separate layers.
making things even i relate to this i like to arrange all the square groceries in the comveyer belt so they're perfectly packed it is literally so fun when they're aligned perfectly edge to edge
im too disorganized to makelists but i love looking at them. also wikis. wikis are my favorite media format sometimes. spreadsheets can be so beautiful but i think well indented code looks cuter and more beautiful especially in an ide with colors
i dont think i over explain things unless its something im really into
i only listen to the same music over and over and over again until i get tired of it which is usually never. i already like my music why do i need more? mili is my favorite artist btw i like them bc they make cute songs and happy songs and sad songs and the themes in the songs are cool and i like momocashews voice. i repeat certain phrases alot for no real reason other than it feels good like i say "oh no how could this happen to me" alot in a silly voice i just like how it feels in my throat. i dont feel like im guided or controlled i wish i was controlled it would be easier for me. i do however feel like an npc in a bad videogame or simulation or something. ive kinda accepted that my job is a simulation tough and i pretend im an npc with no agency i just say my pre programmed lines and focus on being a good and efficient npc its like a videogame to me and it makes the day go by easier.
i cant talk to people either they have to talk to me first most of the time or i feel like i dont have permission to enter their social circle. also i usually dont know what to say an im afraid of people thinking im weirrd
i verbalize or post almost all my thoughts i usually talk to myself more when people arent around but i still do it when people are around too. if you ever see me making lots of small text posts im probably stream of consciousness posting im basically doing the digital version of vwrbakizing every thought that goes thru my head
i dont know if anything i said makes sense sorry for the long post
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actually wtf is going on in the replies of the breaking bad post we reblogged earlier???? do people think breaking bad is a show about our good buddy walter white who was thrust into an unfair situation and was rewarded for killing people????? sorry to drop spoilers for a show that ended 9 years ago but
heres just a short list of things i can remember he did off the top of my head
rejected payment for his treatment out of pride/resentment for the old friend offering (who was a BILLIONAIRE)
got into meth without really any prompting (yes he was desperate but you could argue he could have done literally anything else in his position instead of stew quietly and fuck around in the desert)
kills/severely injures 2 people the second time cooking ever
(throughout the show) manipulating/gaslighting his wife, his lab partner, anyone he thinks he has an inkling of power over
when his meth empire as he knows it crumbles he starts working with actual white supremacists
one of which shoots/kills a child in front of him, which he defends
literally nearly every scene of him and jesse interacting
indirectly caused the universe's "9/11 two" (by watching/letting the daughter of the air traffic controller who took responsibility die) (the daughter happening to be jesse's gf at the time)
at a school assembly addressing this he essentially told the student body & faculty (many of which were directly affected by the tragedy ie property damage via plane/body parts or severe emotional trauma from witnessing) to "get over it"
poison's jesse's new gf's son to manipulate jesse into killing their boss, who they don't like admittedly but jesse isn't an overzealous idiot
literally every scene where he tells skyler "you dont know WHAT ive done for this family... to protect us..." literally nobody asked you to start cooking meth and terrorizing people
ok on god this show is designed to make you sympathize with him early on bc hes sad and desperate and trying to be a strong brave man but he gets so gradually unlikeable and is continuously punished and doesnt understand WHY bc he was BADASS and BUSINESS IS BOOMING and honestly i cant give you a specific point when i personally stopped rooting for walt bc i've been rewatching slowly and just always knew he was a shithead but i WILL say it is extremely apparent when, in the beginning, he cries abt how he does it to secure a future for his family & keep them out of medical debt and even originally has a set dollar amount goal! but in early s5 he calls $5mil 'pennies' and even before then its extremely obvious it hasnt been about the family for a long ass time, hes no longer interested in securing a future, hes trying to flex his wealth (NOT EVEN BOTHERING WITH MONEY LAUNDERING UNTIL S4?????) and "prove" how much of a hero he can be to his family who never asked him to do any of this.
this show is awesome bc you get to watch a guys joker arc set in over the course of a year or so and he sucks SO BAD. it literally shows how the nightmare medical industry drives people to desperate measures. it shows toxic masculinity and the problems with the nuclear family mindset/image and a wonderfully awful demonstration of how pride can rot you. seeing ppl say they wont watch the show because it touches on those themes at all, being completely dismissive of how theyre examined or what the point in all of it is, is really fucking weird. i dont mean to sound like a married middle-class white man in a mid-life crisis who thinks he's walter white and would kin him if i knew what that meant (and was simultaneously too cool for comic books so i cant relate to the joker at all) but this show is fucking cool and i have just witnessed the other side of the fanbase revival, which is 'people who have never seen it who think they know what its about posting their opinions online and it hurts my little autistic brain'
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So this happened.
I'm living alone, with almost nothing to do, and my only priorities are to make myself some food and to sleep adecuately. Do some exercise when necesary too.
I've been in a loop of stalking people in all the ambits I know in my life.
Almost as if searching for them can make me understand I do lived that life and i did knew them.
Theres this girl whos married and his husband is the son of a person I know.
They've been married a long long time already, and had a daughter.
She has my age, and she is already a señora.
What the fuck man. I dont want that at all.
What in the world am I doing here?
Then I saw the other paralell of that shit. That no one will ever understand.
It turns out that theres this girl that used to go and for what I see, still goes to that place where I really got this messed up brain somehow.
Man its crazy you know? Theres almost no evidence of that place because everything was so closed, and private. Its nuts.
But I swear to god that if you would have seen with your eyes, you will see that the people that used to go there were hypnotized and it required of some level of discipline no one was into.
Thats why almost no one stayed. I did for 5 years.
Anywho... man shes a real bad bitch but her ego is beyond horizons. I knew her. She was dumb. But so real.
Or at least that was what I thought so. It appears to me that she doesnt have her womb. And she talks about not giving a fuck and still believes that some spaceship is coming to save them.
Man. It cracked me up. That state of feeling so special was beyond any drug. It made me miss that. As if everyone is below you.
Man i have experienced the more simple things in a way I never knew. I have seen amounts of money you wont even see on your entire life.
What the fuck am I missing there?
So to be or not to be.
Theres the question.
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massive train of thought, just need to get it out:
i still don’t know what to do about work like everything has a pro and a con i want to work in my department so bad but if that means the next two weeks are gonna effect my mental heath that much its not worth it not only is there no way of knowing if ill be kept on the tema after the season i still don’t know when ill be moving i don’t understand why there are no jobs hiring that need my skill set i thought no one wanted to work so where the fuck are the job applications huh this all feels like a punch in the face i am a good worker i love organizing but for some reason these jobs knowing that keep taking me out of positions i they’ve in only to put me in a spot where i don’t do well so it stresses me out i am in such a life shift right now but i feel like im stuck in the past living in the house i did in high school and working a job i took during my first gap year i keep leaving but then i get scared and go right back to what i know i love upstate new york but i can’t stay here any longer i feel like every day is the same the only days i feel like things are different or could change is when im out of town or super high i just don’t get anything right now i need to start working towards my career but working 33 hours a week is not giving me enough time to do this the only time i feel like myself is when i have artistic things going on which is why i work in the makeup store in the first place i know no one wants to work a meaningless job but i can’t mentally make myself do this i have to get that stupid degree even though god i don’t want to go back to college moving to vegas and studying there sounds so scary but i need to do something anywhere i really want to study is out of reach due to money i wish i didn’t worry about it so much my mom is telling me she would rather me work on my art and volunteer before i leave but then i have no money to create the art or go anywhere or do anything looking for a job seems useless because no one in walking distance is hiring i still can’t drive an di can’t even start to learn until i move because its snowing here and im already so scared to drive i really don’t think ice will make me feel better i wish i could have done so many things differently so many things i did could have been prevented if i just grew the fuck up i fully think this all leads back to me not being in the same mind set as my peers i haven’t had my first kiss i hadn’t smoked weed until i was twenty one i didn’t party until i was 21 and i feel so behind i feel like im still in high school it wasn’t even covid like so many other people i was in college when covid hit and the fall semester of 2020 i was fully in person i don’t know what to do to fix this i know i need to see someone but i can’t get into a therapist or anything the only way to get pushed up on a waitlist is to go to the hospital but i am trying to avoid that at all costs i literally don’t know what to do i feel like leaving this job on such bad terms is self destructive but i can’t keep doing this i dropped out in september because of a mental breakdown and everyone in my family is acting like that didn’t happen like im being dramatic now i can’t physical tell them what is going on in my head because dear lord i hate crying and being vulnerable its gross to me and makes me want to puke i just feel so lost i need to start over every time i say that someone says you go everywhere with yourself and like i get that but i need a new environment i can’t keep feeling like this forever or forever isn’t gonna be very long i might be delusional but i dint think i want that much out of life all i want is a tiny one bedroom aparentemente with my dog a job in the field im studying and a car so i can travel and see new things that is so much less than what the stupid american dream promised i truly feel like none of that will ever happen when i see the future its black there is nothing there i dont see a way to get out of this and i have no way of getting the resources to see a way out of this im not even gonna lie if i didn’t like my family
and if i didn’t have my dog i would not even be writing this but i feel so trapped i don’t know what to do i feel like im always letting people down because i know what i can do i know what i want to do and i feel like no one sees my vision i had originally wanted to use social media to work my way up but i’ve grown to hate it i’ve grown to despise tik tok and the constant shelling out for products the ramped consumerism its all making me sick i dont want to have to promot myself online what even happened to hanging up posters for shows what happened to word of mouth what happened to small bands playing local places its a thing that has been pushed out of small towns and now its only in the cities as much as i love my small town life i can’t do this i need community maybe that’s what im having an issue with outside of school i have no one i am alone i can’t get to anywhere my friends are like i could in nyc or both portlands that’s why im trying to head to vegas start new they have a growing punk scene and a weird amount of goths i feel like im always between things i feel like i can’t build a commingle here because i dont see a life for myself here i want to go somewhere where i can grow with a community why would i build a name for myself somewhere and then leave that’s where im at god im just so sick of everything and how everything works the theme of this is that im confused and i dont know what to do i feel so lost so alone and i am making myself sick with all of this shit when i was little i wanted to be a pop star because i knew i was already an artist i want to be creative i want to show the world i can do anything i can be the next great but i dont see a world where that type of figure exists i know now success is easier to get but stars are gone anyone can be famous in a corner i feel like no one is gonna have lasting power too much over saturation of a market so much nostalgia bait god i just want it to stop i want to the world to stop for five fucking seconds so we can catch up fuck covid fuck working fuck having no rights i just dont understand anything i want to learn i want to succeed but it feels so out of reach nothing seems possible i dont understand how people my age have degrees have kids whats so wrong with me that i can’t get there why am i the one having issues did being poor not hinder me enough there are so many what ifs that could lead me to never being able to support myself so many things can be pulled out from under me fuck im so fucking lost i have to quit that job i have to put everything i can into my art but how will i support myself until i move how will i have money for the move what am i gonna do i want to cry saving money isn’t something poor people get to do its just not i want to bash my head against a wall until it all stops i can eat i feel so sick all i want to do is to disappear for this go away fro a while and come back when things feel more hopeful when things feel light again no matter what i am in new york until february and i dont know what to do to make the most of this maybe i do need to take the time to not work but that puts such a burden on everyone im gonna delete instagram from my phone like i did with tiktok and try to focus on doing what i want with less outside  influences FUCK as im deleting it i see someone who went to a school i dropped out of photographed lana damnit i know they aren’t my age but like come on i just feel so stuck so trapped in an echo chamber everyone i know agrees with me which i get and i appraise but fuck we all need a back bone im gonna delete my youtube make a new one seek out new stuff im just so over this i need to clean out everything i can start as new as i can now delete emails re edit my pinterest boards go thought who im following and unfollow people i need to make this clean and correct and what i want god what the hell im just so ahhhhhhhhhh maybe i will go on to be a famous photographer maybe ill become a teacher maybe ill go into tattooing maybe ill be a curator maybe ill own a little record store maybe ill go to beauty
school maybe at school i’ll find my twin flame not in the cult way by the way and my whole life will change maybe maybe maybe i just dont know okay let me just write what i WANT to do as of this moment i want to work on my art and move out west the only reason i want to stay at my job is because i like my department and the people i work with also money is nice but i can always apply to makeup store in vegas once i learn how to drive i think of everything as per in it even though nothing is minus my tattoos still waiting to regret one when i get to vegas i wont be able to bring my dog for a little which really hurts especially because she is sleeping so cute next to me i have had to leave her for a coupes months before and i know she loves my mom and grandma but i know she misses me when i have to leave god it makes me feel like shit but ill look for a job in waking distance from my aunts place and if i can’t find one ill have to take the scary bus but who knows i’ll work PART TIME not this 33 hours a week that is more than i was in school in nyc that is not part time to me and ill see if my aunt will tech me to drive and once im a little better behind the wheel we can get me a driving teacher from there i will stay in vegas for six months to become a nevada citizen and the go to unlv for fine arts i want to be in school i want to learn i want this degree because the more im forced into the real world the more i learn that in order to be taken seriously you need a degree hopefully my grandparents or mom will move out there like planned and i can pay rent to them them so i can have a stable place and be able to have my dog with that ill start saving for a car and then my own place if my other family doesn’t join i want to work on getting into the vegas scene not only art but music i can start shooting underground shows like i did in new york im sure someone in vegas needs weird photography maybe i could get a job photographing at some tourist trap or wedding chapel i could find someone to learn to tattoo under or maybe someone will take me on as a photo appurtenance god i need to work on my art i haven’t had a single good shoot idea since starting my job im just so focused on what i could do at work what is there to tidy and what new products feel like i want to work somewhere that i dont dream about somewhere that doesn’t cause me so much stress that it makes me physically sick but i feel like im letting down my meager there she has been begging for me to come back since i had to quit to go to school this whole thing has made me so fucking upset i mean of course im writing this install long nonsense piece on my tumblr blog in the year 2023 like of course im upset i just dont know what’s left i have such big dreams but at the same time i feel like those dreams are wasted and i dont have time to do anything im sick of doom and gloom i want to be happy i want to feel normal i want to be just like other girls i want to fall in love i want a home i want a fulfilling job i want the life i know i deserve.
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The next few weeks were really good. Sleep overs, dates, partying every night, drugs, connection, passion. Jasmine had just been accepted into University to benefit her growth in her career. Money was stacking up, bills paid, luxury. Especially considering its San Myshuno. Jas felt everything was a little too right but dismissed it knowing she has trust issues aurrounding honesty. Plus... schools coming up and that's very nerve racking. Just very thankful we can easily travel so moving won't be a question.
"Hey babe, just wanted to let you know I took today off. I know I've been working hella and you specifically communicated you're not interested in someone like that. I just haven't really had a choice"
"I'll be there in like 15 Jas. And yeah I dont like my partner gone all the time at work. It stops communication and intimacy. I do understand you do charity work though so don't stress. Bye."
*Madilyn hangs up fast*
"I've really missed you Mads. It's hard sleeping without you by me now."
"Is that right? I missed you too. I wish you would take more days off for me. Let me stare into your eyes more often.... kiss those lips more often"
"Its just hard to take time off when there could be people who need your help. This world is getting really sick. I will say I'll try my hardest to tale more time for us. I don't want this to become a huge thing"
"How are you gonna be more available when school starts in a couple weeks. Plus charity work gets busy during fall and winter. It's unrealistic"
"Its really not... I give you all my time. I haven't even seen my Mom or Dad in weeks. I didn't get to even say bye to Julia or Jeremiah because my last day there I spent with you. My family is very important to me, my mom busted her ass off and I'm just not being able to show her any appreciation. It's been 2 days of us being apart unable to speak much... I'll stop going to party every night."
"I need attention, affection, connection Jasmine. I never grew up with family or support besides you. We don't go out together, we dont fuck, we dont cuddle, no pictures together. Its boring. We just stay here and drink and talk about movies we just watched"
"We dont fuck..? Are you kidding? Any moment you find you're climbing on or under me. I'm not use to that and honestly it sometimes feels like that's where our connection is. Not to mention, you never let me top when that's what I like. I work 8 am to 7pm. I do not have the energy so no I'm not always super excited"
*Jasmine rubs her face*
"Why did you wanna talk so bad? To yell at me ab how hard I work? Because I'm not trying to fight. I'm getting dressed because I was hoping to take you out. We can talk after I'm done"
Jasmine didn't mean to offend but how much time does she has to make for this relationship.
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