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swannieluv · 2 months

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⁀➴ My (Not So) Failed Valentine – Ajax x GN! Reader

╰┈─➤ In which after seven years since a failed confession, two childhood friends reunite close to Valentine's Day. Are things going to end well this time, or will the past repeat itself?

✦⸼࣪⸳ 𝐖𝐜: 7K

✦⸼࣪⸳ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆!!: Crying, self-blaming.

✦⸼࣪⸳ A/N: That's my first time writing a fic bigger than 3k and for romance. I tried my best so I hope you guys can enjoy reading it! <3

✦⸼࣪⸳ Comments and Reblogs are highly appreciated! <3

The calendar marked January 14th, 2024. There was only a month away from Valentine's Day, a perfect date for many, a day where you can confess your buried feelings to the one you love, and receive chocolate for free from the people around you; is there anything more romantic than being truthful about your feelings on the day of love?

For [Name], February 14th could also be seen as a cursed day for those who don't share the same feelings as a dear one, and instead of love cards, those people would only receive nothing but pain and sorrow that would create scars that would last years (if described by a rejected teenager). And sadly, they were one of those involved in a case of unrequited love.

But as the years pass by, people also grow older and wiser. At least, that's what they've been telling themselves to excuse their lack of romance. Just the thought of all those red and pink heart decorations and stuffed bears were enough to make them cringe.

Every single Valentine's Day for them was marked with platonic gifts reserved for those who really mattered. There was never once a romantic intention coming from them, which was something they felt very self-conscious of.

It wasn't like they were the “Valentine's Day Scrooge” or anything like that, they held their friends and family dearly. It's just that they never got the appeal for romance that was daily broadcasted on TV, making them question themselves if there was something wrong about the way they saw the concept of love.

[Name] could still recall those moments during childhood where they couldn't help but be kind of ignorant about their friends rant about their crushes and imaginary scenarios. There were even moments in which they faked having crushes on the “popular” boys in middle school, just to convince themselves that they indeed had a thing for someone just like the rest of their peers.

And unfortunately, they could say it was what would lead to a few quarrels caused by their lack of empathy for their friend's love life. But it never made sense for them, like, if you don't like the way your boyfriend treats you – and you've already talked with him about it – then why bother staying with him? Can't you just kick his ass out and move on?

But now, as an adult, they have a better understanding of relationships. Or at least they now knew not to meddle in someone's life choices – though [Name] does agree some of them were dumb as hell and makes them rethink about their own choices.

And with a month away from Valentine's Day, [Name] felt like they could peacefully start their new job at designing cards for the big company she had the luck to join in. Although the amount of stress they go through isn't fully appreciated in the paycheck, it wasn't that bad knowing they now had a stable job for years to come.

The last thing they expected though, when stepping inside the meeting room, was to face their childhood friend – and failed valentine – Ajax, who was now their senior. Were their eyes playing tricks on them or was he really in front of them for the first time in like, seven years?!

They felt the urge to bury themselves inside a hole and not come out until the whole thing was over. But their nervousness surely didn't come unnoticed by him, whose face they saw lightening up slightly at the sight of the familiar face between the multiple people in the room.

They thought that someone working with an ex was the worst that could happen, [Name] had friends that could give them some tips if that was the case. But working with their last, and failed, valentine from high school was absolutely embarrassing to no end.

They tried to keep their cool and work as they should for the next few. It was a stable job, but they shouldn't let it hinder their work performance. But no matter how much they tried, they couldn't dismiss the pair of blue eyes that seemed to follow their every step.

And of course, they were there, 15 days left for Valentine's Day, designing cliche cards once again. [Name] wanted to do something nice, really, but their ideas were mostly not approved since the company had to keep a specific pattern or something like that.

[Name] couldn't agree more that working overtime wasn't really their thing, but sacrifices had to be made if they wanted to get better opportunities in the future. Perhaps one day things would get better, or so they hoped.

Except that [Name]’s worst obstacle was that it was extremely hard to concentrate when alone with him. Why did everyone leave earlier? Why couldn't someone else stay here too to break the growing tension hovering in the air? They felt like they were suffocating just by staying there.

As they finished the last cards for today, their sweaty fingers finally left the pencil. Was it their growing nervousness or the feeling Ajax's gaze was glued at them was actually right?

A few minutes later, they saw him get up from his seat to somewhere else. And just like that, they were going to furtively escape from the scene by the back corridors. No childhood friend to face, no emotional damage from remembering bad moments; just peace.

Or so they thought.

“[Name].”

They looked up to see a tall figure. A mature face, different from the boyish complexion they held so dearly in their memories. His fiery ginger hair and deep blue eyes that made him able to easily find in a crowd were still there, now present in an adult man. What they didn't remember though were the small freckles under his eyes, guess that's the effect time has in one's memories.

Their eyes scanned the name highlighted on his work tag, Tartaglia. He never used his first name around high school because of the jokes that came with it because of the fact it was taken from a hero's story. Seems like this fact hasn't changed.

“Tartaglia…” they read it out loud accidentally, and so their cheeks heated up in embarrassment.

“It's okay to keep the Ajax, I'm only going by my second name at work for now. But don't worry, I'm still the same old me you know,” his tone was playful as they remembered how it used to be, but there was something unnerving about it; a feeling of unfamiliarity they couldn't explain. So even the way they heard his voice was affected by the time? Because that's definitely not how they recalled his playful remarks at all.

“Are you willing to catch up with a nice dinner? I know a good restaurant nearby and— Oh, it's on me though.”

They spent a few seconds looking at him dumbfounded. “Still the same old me you know” their ass; Ajax would never, NEVER, offer to pay someone else's food. They always had to play rock, paper, scissors to get him to buy anything in the school's canteen.

They couldn't help but get nervous when the silence between them was starting to get too uncomfortable for their liking, so their only rational reaction was:

“Of course… so we can... dinner.”

They felt their heart calm down as they watched his grin widen ever so slightly, he was clearly overjoyed on the inside. And as he made his way through, he gave their shoulder a light pat.

“Perfect! See you tomorrow at 7 p.m. then. I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about.”

And so they were left standing alone in the white corridor. They didn't know if Ajax, or Childe, had truly gone insane or if he just had forgotten about the whole situation that made their friendship crumble in front of their very eyes.

[Name] went straight to bed as soon as they got home, no dinner or anything else that could have been done. That small interaction with Ajax had been tiring enough for their poor heart. Yet they couldn't help but wonder: how did things go downhill in the first place?

8:50 p.m.

Oh how much they wanted to stand him up, but that would be too cruel and uneducated of them. So they happened to be here, in front of him as they both dined together in a fancy restaurant. They tried to smile, yet the doubt of if he was really the same guy they studied with during their whole life was going to be the end of them. In their eyes, he seemed so much more mature and smarter than them, and they used to be the brains of the duo!

“Is it to your liking?”

They felt as if their thoughts were cut in half with his question; eyes going up to meet his own VA as the two shared a good portion of seafood, though neither of them shared a preference over food.

The more [Name] stared at those deep blue eyes, the more they couldn't help but notice how they had lost a bit of the light they used to hold.

“Yes. It definitely is,” they smiled at him politely before cleaning their mouth with a napkin. “I'm happy you remembered me. It's been… seven years.”

The last part left a bitter taste on their tongue as they fell back into their thinking. They hadn't seen each other in several years and now have to share a work relationship while carrying the memory of a long date friendship. Hell, were they even considered friends after all this time?

One could say the circumstances behind their severance were kind of frivolous.

“Do you really think I would forget my childhood friend that easily ?” Their eyes followed him as Ajax took a sip from his glass before opening a smirk. “A rejection doesn't change the way I see you, not even in the slightest.”

“Oh, I see…”

He chuckled at them for absolutely no reason, which left them thinking if he was laughing at them or something.

“Are you really going to laugh at me now?” They crossed their arms incredulously, their guard fell completely.

“I'm not laughing at you, I swear!” His voice came out laced with a laugh, making him less credible.

“Then what are you talking about, Ed Sheeran jr.—”

That was when [Name] realized they had messed up. It was common in the past for them to call each other names in a lighthearted manner, only for the jokes. But they didn't have the same level of intimacy as before, so it must have come out as rude.

“I'm so sorry…”

“There's nothing to be sorry for. It makes me happy you're being more like yourself, I was finding it strange that you hadn't cursed me yet.”

Their worries subsided as they saw the way his face carried a grin they hadn't seen in years. If anything, it was heartwarming to know he still held the same humorous personality behind his adult manners.

“But to see a sleepyhead like you working overtime… Time's really passed, huh?”

Sleepyhead? He wasn't quite wrong, they had the tendency to sleep on every single break. They did even skip lunch just to take a nap before those boring math classes.

“I actually… I want to buy new stuff for my house, so…”

That was the most idiotic lie they ever told in their whole life, and it made them want to hide under that table and scream.

“You want to buy sanrio merch, right?”

“...Yes. I want that Pochacco backpack so much.”

They felt like punching him when they saw the way he covered his mouth to muffle his laughter, which he was trying his best to suppress in order to not anger [Name].

Their grip on the napkin on top of their lap tightened. Though [Name] had a smile on their face, a few doubts crossed their head like a storm.

“Tell me, Ajax…”

His attention shifted completely to them, eyes focused on theirs as he waited for the next words that would come out of [Name]’s mouth.

“Why don't you resent me?”

“Have you ever done anything wrong in the first place?”

“...”

Their mind went back to February 12th, 2017. Two days before Valentine's Day and the day their friendship's downfall finally reached its breaking point:

“Not gonna lie, you're quite bad at it.”

They pointed to the paper with an exasperated sigh. Ajax's answers were quite dumb, as if he was purposely messing up his homework. But [Name] knew better than to expose his behavior in front of the class.

Ajax and [Name], the childhood friends who would soon become the perfect couple (if they could even be counted as one) in their class. Though they would quickly dismiss any kind of teasing from their classmates, always insisting they were nothing but good friends.

One may find it cute and wholesome when a whole class is determined to set such a pairing together; the chemistry existed and would be explored no matter what. But under all the matchmaking, was the pressure on them to just officialize an union. It was one thing when teenagers shipped a couple; but when adults did, that meant things were serious.

[Name] was tired of hearing jokes on how they would make a great partner to Ajax in the near future. As much as [Name] wanted to dismiss those comments, they couldn't help but give up every time they saw Ajax's embarrassed behavior. Sure, they both would get like that when receiving a comment like that. But the way his eyes softened and his ears reddened at the mention of the two as a couple was… interesting.

For [Name], that genuine smile from ear to ear whenever his mother would compliment them both was something they loved so much about Ajax, they didn't feel it in them to break his heart.

[Name] tried to like him back, they swear they tried to. Yet, those feelings they were supposed to have for him never existed no matter how much they tried. They did everything they could: put his photo as their wallpaper, learn his favorite songs, root for him in his soccer games, send him cute messages before going to sleep, talk about him to their friends in a loving way; they tried absolutely everything a teenager would do when in love. So why couldn't they feel the butterflies in their stomach whenever they saw them?

It felt overwhelming to have all eyes glued to them two, when everything [Name] wanted was to just finish this hell of an assignment. They hoped the teacher's ear would be burning from the amount of curses they mentally sent to him. From the whispers coming from the gossipers seated behind them to the stares of students from another class, it was getting exhaustive.

But the worst part was that he most probably held feelings for them. And the guilt of not being able to correspond those feelings was haunting their nights and leaving them sleepless.

As long as they knew, the two of them have been best friends since 8th grade. That was the main reason as to why they couldn't help but pretend to be oblivious to his recent flirting and small advances, they didn't want to lose a years long friendship.

They couldn't help but spent some time thinking if they were just playing with his feelings. They never said they liked him, but also never did the contrary. And the last straw was definitely when, two days before that year's Valentine's Day, when they overhead the following sentence:

“Haven’t you heard? Ajax's going to confess his feelings for [Name].”

They shook their head, snapping out of those memories and coming back to reality. They weren't in a classroom but having a friendly dinner with Ajax.

“I do think that—”

They were cut short by the waiter's sudden appearance. It happened that Ajax had called for him before they started that small discussion. In the man's work tag, the name Leonardo was highlighted. A cool name—

Wait, they shouldn't be distracted by a random person's name. They had to and would pay for that dinner. It wasn't a matter of wanting, but their pride was in line here. Letting Ajax pay would only add to their pile of regrets about him.

“I'll pay.”

His face instantly filled with confusion as he reached his wallet. “What are you talking about, I thought we had agreed this dinner was on—”

“You’re my senior, so it's only right for me to pay for this amazing food. Thank you for your guidance.”

[Name] smiled at him, their credit card already suffering with the food's price. They were crying on the inside, cursing themselves internally for their own pride. Maybe letting him pay was a better option for their pockets and heart.

And just like that, Ajax would have the dinner he wanted and they would get a high credit card bill at the end of the month.

“What's up?”

“Ah!” They jumped from their chair. What was with Ajax and giving people scares like that?! He really hasn't changed much since school.

[Name] quickly went back to their seat after feeling their coworkers glaring at them curiously. A mental note to take revenge on him was made as they finished typing on the keyboard.

“Please, don't give me a scare like that!” they whispered exasperatedly, a pout on their face.

“Sorry, I just came to check your progress. Let's just say those papers don't fill themselves alone.”

They felt his gaze go to their projects, which were scattered around the desk. The company's mascot, from which he secretly collected plushies of, was stamped in all those cards. Once the Valentine's Day decorations were ready, Easter would be their main focus.

“I liked this one, it has a nice shade of red—”

“It's pink.”

“Oh, right. It's definitely pink… you passed the test.”

They couldn't help but let a chuckle escape from their lips as Ajax's figure stepped out of their sight. And Ajax couldn't help but remember himself of what happened all those years ago and how stupid their severance was.

If there was something Ajax never understood, was why he and [Name] couldn't be treated as normal friends instead of a couple. There wasn't a single person in his life that hasn't ever shipped him and his best friend, to the point he had to hear those kinds of jokes from his own family. But it wasn't that bad, was it? He really liked them, after all.

“I'm so jealous of you, Tartaglia.”

“Hm? May I know why?” He couldn't help himself from raising an eyebrow at one of his peers' comments. Why would they be jealous of someone like him? There wasn't anything that special in his life other than being good at soccer.

��Come on! We all know you already have [Name] as your valentine! I've even heard them talking to their friends about the loveliest things regarding you, they're surely in love.”

Ajax felt his ears burning up after the comment he just heard. The truth was that he kept his crush on [Name] deep inside his heart; and it was starting to get bothersome to hear his friends talking like that once again, since it only added up to his anxiousness. But trying to dismiss people's comments always ended up in more headaches, so he just learned to accept them and play along with it.

He had always been trying to pretend he didn't notice how shy [Name] got after people tried to ship them both, their cheeks getting hot just at the slightest of compliments directed to the two of them was a cute sight. Maybe they did like him too, but he was never confident enough to ask them out. Not until now.

“I was actually thinking about asking them outs” he murmured as he finished changing back to his school uniform and getting rid of the sweaty soccer shirt.

But he should know they heard his words and were ready to spread the news that the couple everyone rooted for was finally becoming reality. And it didn't take much time for it to end up reaching [Name]’s ears.

‘Why am I thinking about it again? It's been seven years. Get a life, Ajax.’

He tried not to roll his eyes at his internal dialogue. The truth was that he didn't keep anything against [Name] anymore, perhaps it was for the better. But he does wish to make up for the time they lost, since they're still his only and best friend, even though they spent seven years without talking to each other.

February 13th, 2017

A few hours for Valentine's Day and their dread for the said confession was eating them alive from the insides. Was it just exaggeration on their part? They hoped not, because they were going insane just from thinking about having to reject Ajax in front of everyone.

There were two choices: reject or accept Ajax's confession, and they couldn't escape from them. Well they could just skip school and not receive any gift, but they had already bought their friend's chocolate and made cards for them.

And skipping wouldn't nullify the chances of it happening later. What if Ajax told them about his feelings another day? If that was the case, [Name] didn't want to stay bound to someone they didn't love. It wasn't fair for either of them.

[Name] opened the notes app and started typing what they would call Operation Val 2017. A plan carefully made with Ajax's best interest at heart, specially crafted just so he wouldn't receive too much of a heartbreak.

First, they would go on giving chocolates to everyone else they planned to. Second, give Ajax his gift; and last of all, they would politely reject his confession and say that their friendship was what mattered the most. It was a good strategy… no?

So [Name] confidently went to school, heart in their throat as they walked through the corridors. The whispering and excitement from the girls were enough to make [Name] even more nervous. They could swear their nerves would be the death of them someday.

They went with the expected routine of giving chocolate to their dear one's. But when it came for Ajax's, the courage to do so simply disappeared.

As they saw him, seated at his usual seat, their hands started to sweat and they felt as if their stomach had just dropped out of sudden. And when he saw them, his smile opened like sunshine after rain.

“Is it for me, sleepyhead?”

It was ,indeed, to him. [Name] placed the small candy box on his palms and gave him a hug, which made the whole class start teasing them. But before they let go, [Name] whispered in his ear:

“I’m sorry.”

Then, they turned back and went to their seat. They hoped it wouldn't be as bad as they supposed it to be.

Now that they think about it, the first half of that day hadn't been that bad. The chocolates they received were good, but ended up being eaten with tears rolling down their cheeks.

“So, can I have the honor to dance with you?”

“Huh…?”

A hand was extended in front of them, an invitation too formal to be coming from Ajax. That was enough to cut short their overthinking.

If there was something [Name] wasn't expecting to hate about the adult world while they were still a student were work parties, a reality when they have a job like that, and it was bothersome having to attend them just to appease their boss and be on their good side. Yet, [Name] was in a situation where they were going to do anything just to keep their stable job with reasonable payment.

That was when [Name] reminded themselves that they were in a work environment; so even if not immersed in those piles of documents and boring tasks, they had to make sure to not taint their reputation by standing still with a grumpy face.

So they silently took his hand and were guided through the saloon. Curious eyes falling on them once again, which started to make [Name] nervous. It was starting to feel too much like prom.

“Are you nervous?”

“Not much.”

They tried to keep their steps carefully calculated. Years have passed since their last shared dance, [Name] was definitely rusty and didn't want to end up messing up in front of him. [Name] was convinced to show Ajax that they were still good at dancing no matter what. Yet, the world wasn't known to help those in need, so…

They accidentally stomped on his feet.

“I-I'm so sorry! I—”

Their face flushed with embarrassment. They felt like shrinking and sinking into the ground, disappearing from his sight forever. But Ajax's only reaction was… laugh?

But what they were greeted with was his heartfelt laughter that caught the others’ attention. It was so genuine that it made [Name] wonder if he was laughing at them or if he was a freaking masochist or something like that. They had just stomped on his feet with their full body weight.

Yet, [Name] couldn't keep a nervous chuckle for themselves. Deep down, they needed a moment like this to clear a bit of their doubts about him. This moment made it clear as day that Ajax hasn't changed in the slightest, and they felt relieved with the clarification.

And so they decided to give in and dance to the slow song coming from the speakers. It felt like a dream, to share something like this with him after almost a decade of guilt from their ruined relationship. They thought that things were now going on the right tracks.

“I deeply apologize for anything I did to you in my past life.” he stated with a nervous smile on his face.

“Hm? Why?”

“... Nothing.”

They had a feeling that his feet were red under those fancy black shoes. The amount of times [Name] stomped his foot was enough for it to leave some bruises, though he did his best to hide the ache he felt. They didn't used to be that bad at dancing in the past, so were they holding a grudge so strong against him and decided to take revenge or something?

They felt their eyes glue to a waiter carrying around a tray with champagne. [Name] could swear they had seen that guy somewhere else, but weren't going to bother him; so they just took a glass of the drink for them and one for Ajax.

“Do you drink?” They extended the glass of champagne to him, who gladly accepted it with a nod of his head.

“I was thinking about… uh… are you free on Wednesday?”

Wednesday? Their mind set up alarms at the thought of it, after all, Wednesday was nothing more than Valentine's Day. Was he really going to ask them out like that? Has he lost his mind?! They thought he would never touch on this subject since their rejection.

“I don't… Yes, I am.”

[Name]’s eyes met his’ with courage in them. They wouldn't run away from it like in High School, they would face Ajax and tell what they truly felt regarding him. And if he didn't like it, so it will be! After all, they don't depend on Ajax to live. [Name]’s an adult.

“Good.”

They watched as he took a sip from his glass before opening his mouth to speak something, but it seems Ajax wasn't ready to say it. Not here, not now. So there was nothing they could do to prevent him from just leaving them there and disappearing through the sea of people.

And that was when Operation Val 2024 officially started.

February 14th, 2024

After weeks of preparations, they finally marked that day on their calendar: the expected Valentine's Day. And while everyone else spent the day of love sharing their emotions and deepest feelings with those they loved, [Name] just took the date as an excuse to sleep until late and binge watch NANA the whole day until the time to go out with Ajax.

Knock, knock.

They got up from their seat, fixing their hair

and clothes before answering the door. They had just a small candy box with a cute card, which they designed themselves, just for him. But what [Name] didn't expect was that he would actually come with a bouquet of daisies, one of their favorite flowers. How could he remember such a small detail about them?

“Happy Valentine's Day, [Name].”

They felt something grow in their chest at his words. He was such a gentleman now, huh? So [Name] just accepted his gesture and walked with him.

“Thank you, I hope you're also having a good day.”

And so they followed him to a park nearby, even though the sky was starting to close. But maybe Ajax was planning to take them somewhere else in case it actually rained, they knew he always had a plan B.

'The flowers hadn't fully bloomed yet, but it makes quite the scenery.'

Ajax took their hand on his with a small smile, though [Name] didn't know where he was taking him to.

"There's a nice lake after the creek, it has a pretty landscape. So I can take some photos for you if you'd like."

Well, here they were, trying to go through a small creak to reach a nice place to make a picnic. Though [Name] didn't want to wet their brand new shoes; they were limited edition, after all.

“Hold my hand tightly and jump.”

“I can't do it—”

“Come on! Jump!”

[Name] took a deep breath before giving the impulse to jump over the creek. Although they made great effort and had, it wasn't enough to keep balance. They both fell in the creek, but at least the food was in a basket he left on the ground earlier.

They felt like crying because of the shoes. The amount of money [Name] had saved to buy it was astronomical, like, really! They had just bought them..Though, Ajax definitely wouldn't let this day be ruined by a small accident like this. So he was quick to help them stand up back on their feet and take them out of there.

As they stared in his eyes, [Name] couldn't help but release the words that were trapped in their throat for a long time now.

“I’m sorry, Ajax. But you know I can't reciprocate your feelings.”

They felt their eyes wet from the tears that were threatening to escape. They told themselves that they wouldn't run away and leave things unresolved like in the past, but why was it so painful for their poor heart?

Ajax felt his smile dropping at their words. He tried to look away from them before listening to their words.

A part of him already knew the answer to his actions, yet there was still a sparkle of hope deep inside his heart. Was he being selfish once again? All he did was to try to compensate them both for that terrible day seven years ago.

“I'm not mad at you. I just wish things didn't happen the way they did… y'know.”

They both seemed to regret their actions from the past, sharing the same feeling of shame and anguish in their hearts as they looked at each other. Both of them had made mistakes and were still reminded about it.

...

For the last step of Operation Val 2017, they made sure to bring him to somewhere the two of them could talk in private. Unbeknownst to them, there were eyes watching their every single action.

“I’m sorry, Ajax. You probably already know this, but I don't hold any romantic feelings towards you. Our relationship is purely platonic and—”

“So it was all just false hope?”

False hope? They definitely never gave him any kind of advance for it to be considered like that. It wasn't like they ever flirted with him or do anything that could lead to that kind of assumption.

Their eyes watched as his ace contorted into a pained expression as he had been hit by the hard reality that their best friend didn't actually hold any kind of emotion towards him, the complete opposite everyone else thought. From what they knew about him during all those years, he definitely disliked the sound of it, the rejection being too real and in front of his eyes.

“False hope? What are you even talking about?” They couldn't help but frown slightly, not liking the turn this conversation was taking.

“You…”

Click.

[Name] heard the clicking sound of a phone from afar, and that alone was enough to made their stomach drop. That meant they have never been alone with Ajax, there has been someone watching them this whole time.

From what they could see behind him, a small crowd of students were peeping through the small window on the classroom's door. And to worsen the situation, they were recording the whole thing.

On the other side, one of their own friends gave them a thumbs up, as if trying to communicate about something. And that was when Ajax noticed it all and felt like the ground below him was crashing down.

“So… you planned all of this?”

They couldn't help the widening of their eyes, it wasn't how things were supposed to end like! In their plan, there wasn't supposed to be anyone by the door, not recording or listening to anything they said.

They could swear they saw tears in his eyes for the first time in their life. His face carried the hurting he felt after being made fun of by the rest of the class.

“So they did end up rejecting him, huh…” they listened to the whispers that came with small chuckles, followed by the sound of a playful smack “Ouch! I'm just stating what happened! Just look at his face.”

From the corner or their eyes, [Name] saw him turning around to leave as he heard it, but grabbed his wrists before he could run away from the not so empty classroom. As they did so, the little heart box he was carrying around fell; small chocolate hearts rolling out of the package straight to the ground.

“Ajax, you know I would never do that! I'm your best friend, after all!” their voices came out in a pleading tone.

“Do I really know that?”

They didn't miss the crack present in his voice, and that's what hurt them the most. It wasn't in the plan for him to feel like that.

So [Name]’s own strength failed as they saw burning tears streaming down his cheeks, which held a complexion of anger and disappointment. The twilight rays helped to create a sentimental demonstration of his feelings that were never seen previously. If not before, [Name] was now sure their friendship wasn't going to rebuild itself again.

They felt his wrists slipping out of their touch in a rushed way as Ajax stormed out of the room, leaving them behind to pick up the candy pieces on the ground. And as they crouched down to gather them, the people at the door bombarded them with multiple questions.

“Did you actually reject him?”

“That was so cruel of you!”

“So you won't be together?”

And like that, their last Valentine's Day ended with the loss of a friendship and the start of years of self-blaming. For almost 6 months, their sleepless nights were spent thinking about what they could have done to avoid this whole disaster.

For the both of them, Ajax and [Name], the next few months before graduation would be always marked by the growing distance between the two. They had tried to talk to each other, but the shame and guilt blackened them from doing so.

Ajax really tried to clear his head before saying anything else he would regreat, the realization of what had happened weighted on him deeply. [Name] was just trying to dismiss his feelings in the best way, and he knew it. Yet, his pride didn't let him reach them.

So whenever his gaze met [Name]’s, they would instantly look away and pretend nothing happened. Ajax really thought that he was the one who deserves a proper apology, when it should have come from both sides.

But he couldn't leave his academic life behind and decided to just focus on his studies and sport. One could say he had got over it and was living without a single regret.

And so as to [Name], they couldn't face him. They really tried to call his number or talk to him after class, but couldn't do it. The picture of his tear-stained face was left in their memories forever and would haunt their nightmares for the following days.

Yet, they knew time wouldn't wait for them and the graduation day would finally come. No amends were going to be made and it was obvious for [Name] that Ajax seemed to be taking it quite better than them, so they just decided to forget it and live their own life after high school.

And to [Name]’s knowledge, that was how Ajax and their lives would follow from now on, or so they thought.

“How can you forgive me so easily, Ajax?”

[Name] couldn't refrain from asking him that. If they were in his shoes, they would definitely hold a grudge against themselves. So why was Ajax so forgiving like that when he was the one who had been most hurt?

“Because I know what our flaws were at that time.”

They felt his fingers lifting his head so as to meet his eyes. Instead of the hurt look that used to appear in their nightmares, there was only affection.

As they tried to find something to answer him, their body was wrapped in a tender embrace, much different from his old bone-crushing hugs.

“I should have left my pride behind and tried talking to you. Yet, I was stubborn and believed you should be the one who owed me a proper apology.

“So when I saw you again, I felt like I had to make up for my past mistakes; but it's not like I'm using you to feel better with myself, not even close to it. I just want to make sure we both don't end up carrying regrets for the rest of our lives…”

[Name] could hold it anymore. Their eyes became waterfalls with the countless tears that fell from them. But they didn't feel embarrassed because of it.

“I-I wanted to talk to you again, I really wanted to but—”

“It's okay, take your time.”

Ajax patted their back as if trying to calm a baby down, and it was helping. He could stay there the whole day waiting for their answer, it didn't matter.

“I’m so sorry…”

They couldn't think of anything reasonable enough to make up for their past actions. But Ajax could see their effort lying behind their crying face, he had been their best friend for years. So even if they couldn't tell it with words, he understood them.

“You don't need to love me, and I don't need to love you too.”

They felt the wind on their face, a soft breeze. And it was when Ajax separated their hug gently, leaving them staring at his face while their eyes burned from all the crying.

“As much as I want to stay as your friend, I don't want us to be haunted by the memories of the past. You'll never see me in the same light again, just like I'll never see you in the same light too.”

[Name] knew it was true. As much as they wanted to stay his friend, the fact that broke their friendship had left a deep scar in their heart. And they would never reciprocate the love he still held for them somewhere under the best friend facade.

It was only safe for the two of them to keep things as cold as possible, even though it hurt them greatly. He was right, after all, they couldn't even look at his face without reliving all the stress.

“For you.”

A small pendant was placed in their palms, a rose pendant. They were confused, really confused, but decided to open it. As they did, [Name] couldn't stop themselves from letting another tea fall after seeing the inside of the small object. A photo of them two in their middle school years adorned it, precious smiles on their faces as their figures hugged each other.

“Happy Valentine's Day, [Name].”

They felt like they needed to thank him in a special way before parting ways. So they approached Ajax and took his hair out of the way to his forehead, planting a peck on it.

“Happy Valentine's Day too, Ajax.”

Now, they wouldn't have to carry that guilt with them. They were free to try to love without the fear of being a hypocrite. It was their first Valentine's Day in seven years, and they wouldn't trade it for anything else in this world.

But as they saw Ajax's silhouette going out of their vision, carrying the picnic basket they didn't use, the feeling of losing something forever came stronger than anything else. Maybe they wouldn't have a friendship like before, but nothing stopped them from being coworkers.

[Name] would see him again at work, so why couldn't they stop the tears that fell from their eyes as the first raindrops met their skin? They felt as if they had lost a big prize in the lottery.

Yet they shouldn't be sad because it ended, but happy that it happened. New beginnings awaited them, just like the daisies in the bouquet warned.

"Goodbye, my now not so failed valentine..."

#genshin impact #genshin x reader #angst #valentines day #childe x reader #childe x you #tartaglia #childe #genshin fic #genshin x gn reader #genshin x gender neutral reader #genshin oneshots #tartaglia x reader #tartaglia x you #tartaglia x y/n #childe tartaglia ajax #ajax x reader #genshin ajax #Swanniesarchive<3

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cream0fwheat1998 · 8 months

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Of Mean & Mice (Dark! Rafe Cameron x Reader)

Summary: College student y/n is invited to a girls' night by classman Sarah Cameron. All is not what it seems when she assaulted by Sarah older brother, who just happens to be staying at their parents house at the same time.

AU. Everyone is College-aged or older. 18+ thank you.

Warning: NONCON, assault and dark Rafe.

Rafe Cameron threw his empty beer can into the sand; the typically humid air has chilled as winter nears in the Outer Banks.

"Fuck you Sarah; you owe me." He tossed the "adult" photos of his sister into the bonfire. He didn't like her too much, regardless, he never wanted to see naked photos that her scorned ex had taken without her knowledge.

"I know, you asshole. I'm thinking." Sarah crossed her arms and sat into the sand with a defeated sigh.

"You could think faster; it wasnt easy to get Topper to give up those pics. My current supply of Coke - fucking gone." He said, pulling a pack of cigarettes & a lighter out of his pocket.

Sarah thought back to the moment the photos were taken. She had been waiting for that moment with John B. It was suppose to be special; and it was, until Topper had gotten sloppy with the flash of his camera. The heat of her and John B's skin, the longing in each others' eyes was replaced by panic and aggression for the pervert that ran from the bushes he had been hiding in.

Rafe noticed the single tear fall down Sarah's cheek. He didn't feel bad for her; but he was frustrated at the situation Topper had put all of them in. Kelce's poor taste in humor made the situation even more aggravating. The glance at the photos had him flustered but not because of his sister, that'd be disgusting. He could tell Sarah was distraught more than usual and felt that this was finally the time where he'd be owed something from someone else.

It had been a lifetime since he felt this powerful. Yeah, Rafe had money, drugs and Women whenever and wherever he wanted but as he has gown older; nearing 30, he knew he felt a loss for something that had never existed in his heart.

Real Love.

Rafe scoffed at the stupidest, fucking idea he ever had. It'd never be possible for him to find someone that would love him. But he could force someone; but who? Some of these whores were too willing & eager to share Rafe's bed. Only because of the weight of his families name and the weight of his bank account.

He shook his head; realistically, he knew he was no saint himself but he knew how to use his resources and powers to his favor. Above all, he loved to dangle it above others' heads.

"Find me a girl Sarah. Anyone. Not ugly, please. But someone who looks like shed be easy to tell what to do and say." He said, looking into the deep, dark sky.

Sarah shook her head and chuckled slightly, "You're fucking messed up but fine. I don't where to start though...." She glanced at her brother who was lighting a cigarette.

"Just fucking do it. Thats what you'll owe me. You have a week or I let Topper release the backup photos he probably has somewhere." Rafe looked back at his sister while taking a long inhale of his smoke.

Rafe felt good as the rush of nicotine hit him. He desired change.

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Y/n sat at the instructor droned on about the class issue. Today she wasn't particularly attentive with the health of her father in mind. She and him didn't start off with a great relationship but since he's come back into her and her mothers life; both of them have made and effort to be civil.

When the past started to dissolve into nothing and the future seemed possible, all was lost when her dad went to the doctors for some stomach issues that have turned out to be a large problem than once believed.

On top of all that, she had noticed some stares from a girl in class. Sarah; Y/n thought. She was rather pretty but seemed kinda bitchy through her disinterested & entitled tone she typically spoke in. But the stares weren't mean; her eyes were bright and teeth as white as the moon shone at her from time to time. It was odd because this never happened before.

At the chime of the clock, the instructor put down his pointer and dismissed all of them. (Y/n) gathered her papers and stuffed them into an already full backpack.

The shame from falling behind her assignments felt heavy but Y/n couldnt bring herself to lift a pencil to a paper with the rest of the world on her shoulders.

A tap on her shoulder made her heart speed up as she twirled around to see 'Sarah' standing behind her with a wide smile.

Y/n glanced around the nearly empty classroom but it seemed she really was the one Sarah was waiting on.

When y/n didn't say anything Sarah rolled her eyes, "Hey i'm Sarah. Listen I'm having a girl only bonfire friday and I'm inviting alot of girls in my classes. I thought I might as well ask you so.....do you wanna go?" Sarah handed her flyer with an address and clip art on it.

Before y/n could answer as the Un-comfortability of being singled out dawned upon her; Sarah dismissed any possibility of a 'no'.

"Please come. It'll be fun and much better than whatever you already had planned. Think about it and text me by midnight." Sarah asked and hurried out of the room.

Multiple thoughts crossed y/n's mind as she head to her car in the parking lot. There were still 2 classes left but the overwhelming social possibilities along with the stuff that already had her mind in a headlock weighed against her. She had no mental capacity for anything new.

While her home was silent and dark; Y/n thought about the uncertainty of it all. Her parents were at the hospital for another check up and she offered to join but they wanted her to focus in school and asked her to stay away.

As the numbers on her phone changed and the sky got darker; y/n decided to take a once in a lifetime chance before she fully decided society was not worth participating in all-together.

Slowly, y/n practiced her text message before forcing herself to hit send. A rapid heartbeat cause the girl to down a bottle of water and look to the deep blue evening sky as she hoped that she'd get to feel better for atleast one night.

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Sarah was painting her last toenail when her phone screen lit up. On the surface was a speech bubble by an unsaved number that read, "This is Y/n L/n from school. I'd like to go to your party."

Sarah felt giddy by the politeness of the message; she felt deeply that this goody-goody mouse that always sat in the back of the class and away from everyone would be perfect to fulfill the end of her bargain that she owed to her horny brother.

Sarah texted Rafe not a second later with the picture she snuck of Y/n in class. "This is her. Tomorrow night." Sarah typed. A sigh of relief as she plopped down the phone but still a bundle of nervous in her stomach as she waited her brothers approval.

Three dots appeared under her own speech bubble. Sarahs eyes tried to see into her brothers mind for some peace but was elated at his response.

"Okay".

He liked Y/n (rather the potential that she held) and Sarah had felt she had done something right for once.

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Y/n was in a car with several other women she'd seen on campus a few times. Sarah had called her in the morning with an offer to have Y/n picked up by some other girls that were coming.

Y/n wasnt totally comfortable with idea but Sarah insisted.

When they reached Sarah's home; the large mansion was a beautiful sight to behold. And y/n had never felt smaller than she had now; but little did she know that the mysterious face in the upper window would force her to feel the smallest she's ever been in just a few hours.

Y/n had been instructed to carry in some of the girls bags; she agreed to be nice but not without noticing the mocking chuckles from the women slapping their flip flops into the house.

As she entered into the front room alone; y/n stopped to admire the beauty of the house. It was an elegance she had never seen in modern homes, realizing that the house was probably historic.

One of the bag feel from her overwhelmed arms and fell to the ground.

"Shit." Y/n said while trying to grab it but a hand reached out of nowhere and grabbed it from the ground.

She followed the hand to it's owner; a handsome young man with beautiful blue eyes and a strong jaw line greeted her with a half smile.

Y/n stared, not knowing what to say.

"You're welcome. Sarah's room is upstairs and I'll show you the way." The male said already heading up the stairs, silently expecting her to follow.

Y/n followed, unsure of what the next move should actually be.

The bags were thrown inside of Sarah's bedroom and the pair stood in silence.

"Are you special needs or what?" The male asked with impatient eyes.

Y/n shook her head, "No. Sorry I just....What's your name?" Y/n asked, still taken aback by the subtle beauty of the man before her.

The guy scoffed, "Rafe. Sarah's brother. I have my own apartment but I'm staying here for the holiday break." he said as he sounded offended Y/n didn't already know that.

"I'm Y/n....y/n" She said with a slight stutter; embarrassed that she, as a 22 year old woman was still nervous when talking to men, alone.

Rafe nodded and yawned. Without a word, he walked away and disappeared down the long corridor.

Y/n felt disappointed that she couldn't keep the conversation going but figured that it was all just a fluke. There was a big fire, food and loud music to have fun with and she'd try her best to blend in.

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1am, everyone was in Sarah's room. It'd been so long since Y/n had been surrounded by girls her age that she was willing to go with almost anything to feel good and wanted just this one night.

Sarah challenged this saying that Y/n's modest pajamas wouldn't do and that she needed something "Sexier" which y/n thought was weird (to be honest) but she wanted to fit in so Sarah handed her a pile of clothing and had Y/n change.

It was bittersweet. Not what she expected in either direction. It was a large t-shirt that went to her mid thighs (nothing but pebbled nipples and her underwear underneath) and a pair of long, shin length white socks. Uncomfortably, it reminded her of the socks her father would wear to work years ago.

When she emerged out of the bathroom, the women smiled. "You look adorable!" Sarah said while grabbing Y/n's shoulder.

Y/n had noticed just how cat-like Sarah was up-close. Suspicious eyes and lithe reflexes. "I was wondering could you go get us something? Sofia spilled her chips on the ground and I need a cloth to get it out of the carpet?"

Without thinking, Y/n nodded. All eyes in the room were on her. Sarah squeezed the womans' shoulders and said thank you.

"Turn left, down the hallway and a few doors. The last one at the end is the linen closet." Sarah said, turning her back to Y/n.

Y/n tip toed into the dark hallway; thinking about how embarrassing if any of Sarah's family saw a girl with no pants or bra on, rummaging through their personal property.

Y/n opened the door she thought was the closet but instead opened to Rafe, the young man from earlier, sitting at his desk, typing at the computer.

He glanced up from his work and saw Y/n standing there in the exact outfit he told Sarah to make her wear. God. He never imagined such a fantasy actually get to play out.

Go time.

Y/n face felt white hot as she and the eldest Cameron stared at each-other. "I'm sorry!" Y/n said, not knowing where to look or how to act.

"I thought this was the linen closet." Y/n said, about to close the door before Rafe answered.

He chuckled and stood from his desk, "It's alright. You're exactly where you need to be." He said closing in on the innocent woman.

Before she could comprehend what was happening, Rafe pulled Y/n in by the wrist and shut the door with a slam. Turning the lock in place.

In her head, Y/n asked what was going on but for whatever reason she stayed silent. But her mind screamed for her to run.

Rafe shook his head and walked toward the girl; like a lion stalking his next food. "You really don't think Sarah Cameron just invited you, a nobody, to hang out with her. Did you?" His eyes narrowed as his body glistened in the bit of moonlight showing through the window.

It didnt take a rocket scientist to put 2 + 2 together. More than ever, Y/n felt stupid. The realization that this may have been a prank dawned upon her.

"Now listen. This is gonna go one two ways. You either lay on your back and let me do whatever I want or I hold you down while I do what I want. You should feel grateful you're getting a choice at all." Rafe said, proudly but soft. His eyes were soft but his demeanor held an aura of temptation and daring. It was obvious that he liked 100% control regardless of his mates' feelings.

Y/n weighed her options. She knew she couldn't over power that tall, slender but muscular man before her. However she did have a voice and opened her mouth to scream.

Rafe slapped his hand against the girls mouth with a rough pat. "You can scream but they're not gonna help you. They know why you'll be screaming have been instructed to mind their fucking business. I'd save your voice anyway. Youll be screaming my name plenty soon enough." He said, a stern and scary look on his face.

Y/n backed up with Rafe forcefully pushing her forward until she fell on her back; she reached down to make sure her shirt was covering her intimate parts.

"Awww, look at you. You do know that's my shirt right? Its obviously too big for Sarah but I guess you were too stupid to figure that out before now." He said, looking ready to consume her whole at any given second.

As more things made sense, so did Y/n's fears. She rarely had courage so how she managed to say, "Please, don't do this...." In a choppy, emotion sentence was a step farther than she ever had taken.

Rafe thought how pitiful she looked with a line of tears ready to spill and that small voice that squeaked out delicate pleas. Something about her meekness made him feel powerful. He was in charge and he'd decide what happens to her. Though, for the first time in a long time, he felt his heart beat differently. Deeper.

Not a second later, he dove down, planting kisses on any visible surface of skin. From her neck to her thighs; she'd be marked in love bites. His marks. Y/n made a valiant effort to push Rafe off her person but he was much stronger than her. As is she didnt already know that.

"You're amusing but you're no match for me, cutie. Why don't you just lay there and take what I have to give you, hmm?" He said, tilting his chin up like a king looking down at a peasant.

A tear slid down y/n's cheek as Rafe abused her body. He roughly grabbed everywhere he could; he bit, kissed and chewed on anything he wanted. Y/n thought back to her parents and what they'd say if they saw her on her back, letting a strange man use her this way. They had instilled certain morals in her and to some degree she felt guilty not following those morals.

In a feat of conjured strength, Y/n bit down hard on the skin of Rafe's cheek. Her moment of people a defensive lioness what cut short with a hard slap, nearly punch, to the face by her assailant.

He was livid at the audacity she had to reject his love-making and slapped even harder the second time. She had wanted to bruise him so he was make sure he left his mark on her skin.

"You stupid fucking bitch!" He slapped a third time at the girl streamed tears down her face.

"I'm sorry! Please stop!" Y/n tried to squeak out but her soft voice drowned in the violence Rafe forcing on her.

"No no no, it's too late for that. I gave you the option for this to be gentle both ways but you had to fucking ruin it. You get no say now." Rafe pointed down at her before sucking on her neck twice as hard, like a vampire trying to draw blood.

Rafe grabbed y/n and spun her around ,onto her stomach and lifted the shirt over her ass. He took his time caressing and smoothing his hands over every acre of skin and over every curve like she was a piece of pottery. He moan and voiced awe while feeling her.

Still wanting to be let out, Y/n pleaded once more. "I'm sorry! I really am!! I promise I won't tell anyone about this and I'll never bother you or your sister again!" She cried.

Rafe shushed the girl, "You were chosen for me and I'm gonna take the opportunity to see if you're a good fit princess. Sarah doesn't matter in this coupling. It's about me and you. And you're going to let me, your master, figure you out." He said, sliding his finger around her folds like he'd touch a garden flower.

Sounds of despair came from Y/n in an effort to mask the little pleasure she was receiving from this violation.

Rafe was transfixed on her pink, plump skin. Every freckle, piece of hair and patch of discoloration made this artwork special. The tight feeling in his crotch telling him to hurry his admiration up. The lion wanted out of his cage; he's hungry.

Rafe smacked the girls bottom before unzipping and shedding his pants and boxers. Rafe felt the inside of y/n's shirt, enjoying the curve of her breast and plumpness of her nipples while his penis stood at attention.

"You're fucking beautiful. I hope it's alright that tonights mostly about me. We'll have a night for you soon but this first date is all about my dick getting to know the inside of you." Rafe said while using the tip to touch the delicate folds and skin.

He purposely spread the small bits of pre-cum on her intimate area as the first sign of marking before handling his shaft before the tip entered her cunt.

Rafe was struck with the feeling of heaven, not all the way in and yet his insides were purring away. He didn't want to wait anymore. He shoved forward without consideration for the girl underneath him. Fully sheathed inside, it was a five star stay at an exotic hotel where he'd be the only customer for the rest of his life.

"God, you feel so fucking good. Where have you been hiding princess?" Rafe asked, his large hand holding her down but his thumb gently rubbed her cheek before switching his movement to fully on.

In an aggressive thrust, Rafe began to move like a panther after his meal. There was no mercy in any movement. His heat, her slickness; his size, her submissiveness felt like they were one with human nature. For the first time, Rafe carnal desire was met with a romantic twist. The desire for a connection that meets both ways. He didn't know this woman; maybe she wasn't worth the effort.

But the way her pussy clenched around his dick made him think she was really meant to be him and he'd have to give Sarah props. This would be his girl, and if she behaved properly; a wife and mother.

But for right now, Rafe focused on fucking the shit out of her. He purposefully banged and hit as hard as he could. He wanted to see pain and pleasure. He grabbed her waist and brought her down to the base of his dick with little to no mercy. He wanted her fully with no space left unexplored by him.

The girls meek voice brought him back to reality, "Are you wearing a condom?" She asked, as if not wanting to upset him.

His eyes softened on the creature below him. She already had a small bruise forming under her eye where he'd harmed her. There was a sick pleasure in knowing that is his mark on her but he wasnt entirely a demon and felt some guilt.

Back on topic, no he wasnt wearing a condom; he didn't want to wear one with her. Rafe never had to deal with consequences because Ward would throw money at it, and it disappear.

Rafe didn't answer her; the panic added to feeling. He didn't owe her an answer. He decided he practically owned her now. Women in the past were just bodies; pleasure givers, holes at best. He always saw them as something to be conquered but with Y/n he wanted to own her; mind, body and soul.

Rafe sped up causing her to scream in both pleasure and pain. It only made Rafe feel hotter. Once he knew he had reached his limit, he bottomed out hard as he could; staying attached to the woman as long as he could before his size fell limp once more.

Looking down was a tearful girl trying to pick herself up after being violated. Before Rafe could do anything, she pushed him aside and fled the scene. Rafe looked after her but didnt follow, still feeling the blissful aftermath the coupling. No matter where she went, what she said or who she hid behind; Rafe would be there to claim her again.

This was a new game to him and he just casted the first dice.

*Note from author: sorry for this abomination. A mix of alcohol, horny and an actual desire to write something for the first time in almost a year hit and I didn't want to waste it*

#dark!rafe cameron #rafe cameron #rafe obx #outer banks #dark rafe cameron #rafe x reader #sarah cameron

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i-bring-crack · 2 months

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And another reason why I love Solo Leveling Ragnarok is because it slaps you (sneaky but it's there) with the knowledge that yeah, [TLDR] Jinwoo made the most dumb decisions of his life due to him trying to put every single problem in the universe on his shoulders.

Jinwoo as a person

Is someone who has been put through so much since he was young, we get it, we see it, since he is just 14 he was the only man in the house, so a lot of social roles were placed on him. And even though his mom had raised him with care and did all she could to save the family, 2 pressures were already placed upon him when his dad left. 1, that as a man he should help out everywhere and at every time, he was an older sibling as well so he had to protect Jinah this time as a brother and a father, and 2, his mom was a normal housewife, she started to work yes but the family hadn't expected this big of a turn in their life which probably made him even more pressure to succeed, to earn money or something so that he could take care of them as well. (And I can somewhat relate to this based through experience, as well as other familiar experiences I've noticed sometimes. How people slowly start to look for a way to earn money rather than trying to pursue their passions. All they keep thinking about is a way to be financially stable and it leaves a hyperfixation with being rich, working until exhaustion, and sometimes not doing well at school because it's a waste of things they are never going to use. It could also go differently in the case of Jinah where she studied as much as she could to become a doctor. But to Jinwoo, he never got to become or find a passion of his that he liked, even when he had both parents, he never had a reason to pursue anything and simply was swayed into becoming a detective by Jinchul.) So overall, Jinwoo had slowly begun to think less of himself as a person and more as another tool inside the house that should push their weight around to help.

And then he loses his mother to a comma. Not only is he now having to take care of his sister, but also his mother because she doesn't die, she becomes another wight he has to try and keep alive, and her being, well his MOTHER, he would do almost everything to save her. Now, all of his help is entirely cut off. The parents he was supposed to trust on and lean on are gone. And he is now the only lifeline for Jinah, who isn't even an adult so he can't lean on her or make her work, it would be against all he is trying to work for, which is giving Jinah a better life, giving his family a better life.

And this self solitude goes on for 4 more years. No, in fact, it keeps dragging him into more solitude during the four years of working, pushing his weight around, and literally trying not to die make his psyche more stressed on relying everything by himself or else he is a failure of a person.

To the point where HE is the one that sees himself more as a failure than the rest. The people around him are often bothered by his weakness, yes, and he does get the nickname, but that isn't what's going to affect him more in the long run, rather its the fact that he sees himself not worth saving more than the others. Like how he thinks Juhee might be mad at him for always being so weak and constantly getting injured. To the point where even some of the readers agree and think Juhee would never like someone like him in the first place. But thats completely the opposite actually. Juhee cared for him! Invited him on a date! Tries to STAY BEHIND, I REPEAT STAY BEHIND FOR JINWOO. And Mr Song wants him to live, wanted him to get out of the temple, another person in the LN warns him of the lizards. ONE side story literally is about a worker (who I had mistaken for jinchul my bad it's never said actually who he is) who tries his best to get him to safety. There were, are people who cared about him, about his being.

And Jinwoo doesn't see that, most fucked up part is that people need to read more indepth to see that most of the self hatred comes FROM HIM and the people he fixated upon that he thinks think hate him. His weakness is a big part of his problem, but his self worth exceeds more of the problems later on.

So he doesn't see himself as someone that needs to live on. He doesn't see himself as person in his own house but rather a breadwinner or the only thing keeping the household together. He doesn't think he can be anything better because he doesn't have a college degree or is even smart. The best thing he excells at is hunting, and yet he is the weakest.

His only choice is to become stronger.

And now that's fine in his own right. It's what he wanted it anyways (wrong mistake kiddo, he never had ambitions in the first place except survival), so what if he has been mentally exhausted over the past 4 years, basically going through a war but instead of people it's monsters that are very very bloodthirsty (and totally not someone who could reason with them, talk and have their own lives outside of this world but has been forcefully put into this dungeon with the constant command in their heads to kill and destroy everything. No, sir, those stones right there are not brainwashing crystals! They are just profit you can gain by killing them!)

And so what if he gets to live through one of his worst near death experiences that also increased his trust issues through the story?

He gets to be strong! Everything is forgiven, right? (Right, Ashborn????) All the pain and psychological damage he gets to suffer before that or afterward (liking learning to kill people) is immediately rewarded with more points! More strength! More power!

Oh, you don't even have to worry about all those monsters resenting you or hating your guts because you will arise them, and they shall become your most devoted slaves forever! Yes, the only people Jinwoo gets to live with for his immortal life, the only people in which Jinwoo can rely for help are the souls of his enemies and no one else. The souls who tried to kill him, who tied to kill everything he loves as well.

What's the point in this now, though? It's not like the author wanted to give Jinwoo some depth over his characters mental state. Instead, it was the opposite because he managed to deal very well while under that constant pressure. And besides, he likes hunting. He likes it now! (no, he feels satisfaction over holding power in those situations, he was disgusted at having to kill someone, he was angry at himself when he fought rasaka, he hated the ice Monarch for killing gunhee and escaping from his grass so easily than him being a threat. He doesn't like hunting. He just hates being hunted.) There's no need to dwelve on the story because he gets to have a good happy family (who he can never reveal his true self to) and some friends (that he tried to reach out to search because he knew they would never meet in any other circumstance) and a good boss (who knows the true extent of his power and leaves him to be however he please because he has saved the world and also because there would be no way he can stop him from doing whatever he wishes, even if he creates eternal torment for others.) And he has a wife as well!! (Who the story is completely vague about whenever or not Haein truly remembers everything or doesn't at all and just knows that he is pretty fuking powerful. And both of these already are basically a tight rope for her to walk on. It's not like im thinking haein could do something to upset jinwoo, but there's no way she isn't at least somewhat scared by the prospect of what might happen if he gets mad with her. He can do anything. He can even hide your existence, wipe out the memories, and create new ones, there is no one out there that could come close to ever challenging him, nothing out there that could save you if he changed his thoughts in any way.)

And he also has a son!

A son who means everything to him. But someone who can challenge those views of putting every weight on his shoulders as well.

Solo Leveling's Ending

It was great for others, not for some. Personally, I love it as a Shonen and powerfantasy fan, but not as a literary fan.

First of all, there was no reason for the cup of reincarnation to exist, yes, even though some of the past timelines had been alluded ever since the demon castle and its ruins looking the same as SK. The 'one last chance to wrap it up' is complete deuz ex-machina and just absolutely cleans away all the reason for everything in its story. There's no more advanced technology or clean energy resources (new add-on from the anime) There's no people who could get away from poverty and earn new jobs from this industry that requires all kinds of people. (Yes, even non awakened! Like they could study, the monsters gather knowledge to help create more technology or work in a guild. There wasn't much stopping them if the monsters could literally step away from the dungeon, and also, most of the side characters we know of from the US also use their skills more than having a rank.)

"There's no deaths from monsters as well! Thats good right?"

And yeah, it is! But you know, what could have also been well is if Jinwoo could have still let mana come into this world. Magic didn't have a bad outcome for his world. In fact, magic was the entire reason Jinwoo could get to become so omnipotent as he was. But instead of bringing it back to everyone, maybe even finding a way for people to become strong in their own way like make systems of leveling up for others, he instead decides to keep it all hidden. Not for himself, but absolutely hidden.

"But if he didn't, then people would fall into a comma and die, and there's no cure around the Sleeping death!" There is, and it includes a monarch's blood, which if we ignore the sequel. There's no way he can find a demon and create a monarch to drain him every time for mass production. However, he is also, you know, a freaking God. He can shape reality, shift time, he can raise the dead, he can open gates to mine mana crystals so they could sustain the lives of the comma patients, and even then he has the Rulers at his side who could possibly help him find a cure. Of all things if he isn't able to find a cure for Eternal Sleep after all of the power he has in his hands (and not to mention that dream Antares in the extra thought it was just a little disease he could so easily cure) then this would... idk, man, but he still has a stock so he could cure his mother again and give two others for the scientists to study it at least. He has everyone at his disposal. He can find a cure.

Secondly, the story singlehandedly erased every reason for us to love anything about the story apart from jinwoo.

Your favorite characters? Oh, they are alive, alright, but they aren't as you've met them before. Oh, Haein? Is she the badass swordsman who had experienced death and had her own fallout in life that shaped her as a person while also overcoming her own traumas against Beru? Yeah, she is just an athlete now and then a stay at home wife! Swords? What are those? Loosing? Nah. Thinking about the possibility of what kind of being has been attached to you emotionally and psychologically because he thinks that becoming human should also abide by the gender stereotypical tropes and should therefore find a wife first instead of looking for a therapist out there or deal with his psychological problems first before thinking about trying to date a 13 year old (wait no, it's um, trying to make her to date you, leave big hints, and then tell her that for 10 years you has been trying to chase her bc you were the only person he deemed worthy enough to marry. Why? Who knows(strong and beautiful)! The date must have been such a well off success that it seems he has carried those emotions over it and practically decided to latch onto you, being also the only person he WILLINGLY shared all the knowledge to. Yeah, no pressure, baby.)

Oh, Gunhee? His death? Now its more of a pointless sacrifice than a desth for delevopment. Jinwoo still had the reason to kill the monarchs bc they were at some point going to kill the world. Sure, it wasn't as personal, but, you know. Now Gunhee gets to live again, and then we see him die again. Slow clap, everyone, thank you. His death literally meant nothing now. Jinchul crumbled and tried to put himself in his place, but now that doesnt matter since we dont even HAVE a reunion of Jinchul and Gunhee in the next timeline so their entire relationship is gone. Poof. Jinwoo mourning? No, Gunhee just comes back again and gets to live off as a wealthy philanthropist!

Sung Il Hwans sacrifice that impacted whenever or not jinwoo lived through the monarchs attacks? Oh its okay he is alive now! You know it's not like I had wept literal tears for both of these characters only for them to come back in like 3 arcs later. I guess our emotions meant nothing now! Could have just... Not killed them and then gone back in time. Nothing would have changed, Jinwoo would have still wanted everything to be rewinded.

Jinwoo saying, "Too many people died," felt a bit obtuse in my head, though. Too many suffered yes, but like only two, 3 if we count Adam White, that we cared about where dead. And that's about it if I remember correctly. Like the story could have left of a bittersweet note at worst and on a wholesome ending for the future at best.

It wouldn't have been bad even when many died. And yes many did die that we never cared about, but they also died to protect everything they died.

Say, if Jinwoo died, would a random fodder character say his death shouldn't have happened and decided to rewind it all back to beginning instead, would that have left a good impression, to suddenly erase everything he stood for, his powers his title his struggles, all gone because, oh he died from circumstances that could have been prevented? Many things are preventable, disease, war, conquer. But if you just rewind time then it shouldn't matter that they died now. Those who protected their families out of their own will, went through tooth and nails to fight and live on? Yeah only Jinwoo can do that, only Jinwoo should make that descision. So anyways who cared whenever or not the hunters decided to put their lives on the line (and also it's not like during the 10 years until the final war people weren't allowed to retire or just not work as hunters even though they were awakened COUGH Joohee, Soohyung COUGH)

(Or it's not like Guilds, Essence stones and Awakenings could have absolutely benefited other countries in the world to relapse from the economic and social problems while also creating clean energy resources for the enviroment— And not to mention that this entire system isnt based on nepotism at all for those in power but rather sheer luck of who does and doesnt awaken.)

Lastly I would have tied the point back again to the free will of the people, but it's pretty clear from the last chapter what I mean, yet also I need to instilled the point that he never asked. He never thought about what others might think. When the United States got him on camera, he didn't care and never told them the truth. He doesn't think whenever or not his victims would like to get revived or take revenge of constant hell upon their killers. Neither does he care about criminal acrivity outside of Seoul, apparently bc there is no news of criminal activities being taken down globally (yeah, you have the power of a god, but we are so grateful for you never using it except when it disturbs your ambience! It's not like people are being actively enslaved and under constant dictatorship out there. North Korea? Oh, there's no need for you to help them out.)

And what's worse is that his own powers attract even more enemies to a world that has no way to defend himself, and no way to instantly learn about mana!

Great wonderful thing Jinwoo, this is the same as turning back world wars to them never happening even though they had shaped the entire world that we've come to known. But at the same time also keeping the powers on a ticking bomb as to when they will start the wars again.

But hey, he is pretty omnipotent! So what if there are extraterrestrial enemies in his curf and destroying earth every time they decide to come (oh man, it sure does wonders to see more natural habitats be destroyed for no reason and with no way to explain it! I mean where else would he fight them? The cities? People would get to know about magic then and he can't have that happening!) He can best them all with his shadows and then leave as if nothing happened.

There's totally not a single consequence that could come from all of this!

Consequences

To make this faster imma make a list:

The most frequent ones seen in Solo Leveling Ragnarok.

Gates appear and the whole world is in shambles as to what to do! Thus leaving to many people outright confused and many deaths as well (more, had it not been for Jin-Chul's work)

Suho could have died! Because why tell your son in highschool —since you didn't want him to eb alone in middle school, and in his teenage years he still doesn't know the source of any of his powers or his true nature. Up until what age was he going to be kept in the dark jinwoo? WHAT could have happened if Beru hadn't come to save him? Does he also have that death resurrection thing??? I don't know! No one knows!

Oh yeah no monarchs means that everyone who managed to survive the war is now fighting each other because there is no actual order or some higher power for them to listen to. It's become an anarchy on its own and a bunch of them have decided to break into tribes or states to live! Great! If we read out history book for two seconds you know how badly those things go!!!

Cha Haein was basically forced to survive through sheer will and raise a small village on her own. (Oh and how surprising it seems that the elves were reasonable enough to even tall to her and not outright kill her. My goodness. Could it be they also have a consciousness?)

Esil was forced to see her family be killed, after Jinwoo wiped the rest of the nobles, because the gates had dragged her back to her world since she was the only one who possessed demon blood.

The entire race of the dragons went almost extinct. (And that ones between good and horribly bad because they ALMOST went extinct)

Places like North Korea and Ireland have irreversible damage due to the open field gates which have left many to die. Others include Russia and China but they aren't as fucked however the landscapes of their country have changed a lot due to the mass of open field gates.

The ones that came with the side effects:

In the end, possibly another chunk of the population has died yet again (but do we care? No not really, it's not like Jinwoo had the possibility to save this by giving some backup information— or did he just left it all in charge to haein in the case this happened? It wasn't made clear with that bc she was supposed to tell suho about it in case their father disappeared but like... wow she really got a lot of weight on her hands at least give her some of your shadow army so that she can take care of any alien invasions— no? Just kaisel?...ok (honestly he is pretty great I have no qualms with Kaisel. Best shadow in the whole series) but like, you expect her to protect everyone with that? And no, the necklace isn't viable here, there was no other shadow to help her explain the necklaces' feature for her. JINWOO YOU HAVE AN ARMY— AHHHHHHH

Memory confusions between the past timelines and the others. You know because the Rulers had inhabited certain bodies and like I'll Hwang their memories might have hmmm, idk, come back.

Leaving only a few people with the memories of the past did not in fact help him at all, Sung I'll Hwang thankfully got his memories back soon or else he would have also been lost to the power. Thankfully Zhigang and Thomas met Suho or else it would have been another Christopher Reed situation of spirited away.

Too many people began to focus their faith on the foreign religion because they wanted answers to the many problems that where occurring and wanted to also protect their home (cough siddhart sough)

The other possible ones that are not implied but could appear:

Mana condensation. The changing of wildlife and nature as a whole (which is never talked about?! I get it, not relevant to the story. But damn if it didn't do incomprehensible damage.) (Although this one is a vague good or bad thing but a side effect nonetheless)

Again, setting back the age of progression (not only due to the things that could have been invented from mana but also because the gates everywhere would make for a hard situation in which to invent anything at all.)

Leaving open windows of opportunity for the universe to be threatened. In this case, he left many of the races he was supposed to exterminate, alive, bc killing the monarch would already be enough for him. This instead led to a worse possible idea bc 1, had he completely wiped out the other races he could have easily taken away any possible enemies from his sight. "Oh but he wouldn't kill monsters who are weak and defenseless" well too bad Odysseus now you are stuck with demons who are scared of you and resent you for the rest of their lives and will trade with anyone for more power to stab you where it hurts the most. Also, jinwoo had time to finish off everything. Two years was equal to 27 years, he could have dipped in and out and killed the remnants that he might have not noticed were still alive.

This one, though, I also blame it on the Rulers. Bc they would have been the first ones to know or had gathered knowledge that, yes, actually, the monarchs can come back since the fragments of darkness linger around and try to find other hosts for them to live through, it's why the monarchs haven't been able to truly pass on and why the monsters are so keen in finding sacred relics or building temples– because a monarch can come back, and in fact HAS to come back in order to maintain some order in their dimensions. And like, they would have known that, right? They have fought for centuries upon centuries. It feels like a shitty plan for them to not have at least CHECKED if another monarch could have spawned somewhere else, especially when Jinwoo was doing most of the dirty work out there by fighting the giants in his own home.

I think I probably repeated some of these, and it sounds like I'm throwing shade at Jinwoo for being a dumbass (only I can do that. No one else deserves to shame him.) but his actions are more than justified in terms of how Jinwoo is personality wise. It's also more bitter than maddening to see how all of these could have been prevented had Jinwoo decided not to play his part of lonesome hero and instead talked. About everything. From the war to the mana to the crystals. He didn't need to instantly go on a podium and say all the things. But at least, when he had his son or when he came back from he war, he could have talked with his parents about this newfound power. Slowly, he could have shown it to more and more people, especially those he knew about that had honest and good intentions (Adam White, Norma Selner, Thomas, Zhigang, Jongin) he wouldn't have needed to put himself out there as much and he would have relied on others believing him until there would have finally been enough people to understand about mana before finally letting it in. And maybe the Rulers could have come, some other species as well to help humanity interact with them for a while, let Rulers take care of this earth for some time while he goes to other worlds for a moment so that he can slay enemies to other places instead and come back again to see the progress. If they ever wanted to then maybe jinwoo could have given some of the hunters their memories back, and knowing how they took it in this timeline, Jinwoo would have been sure that they wouldn't have been sacred of him nor hated him for the things he had done. He would have had more people to understand what he went through alone, he would have had more friends, the freaking romance would have made a bit more sense in the end with all the memories gathered instead of one-sided (and wouldn't have much of a power imbalance). And he doesn't even need them to be strong enough to hurdle monarchs or giant monsters on their own. He just needs for them to be there for him. That's it. That's it.

Daul and his friendship theme [in Dungeon Reset] and in Raganrok.

Idk whenever or not Chugang had seen the flaws of his own character as much as everyone else, or if he had listened to his criticisms about the one dimensional personality of his own characters, or he just thought Daul was a good writer, could be any of these could be not but one thing for sure is that, he chose right.

Mainly because I haven't seen Infinite Reset, I won't be able to comment much on whenever or not his theme always revolves around building a safe foundation with friendships. But from what I've gathered in Dungeon Reset, a lot of his characters aren't insanely strong or if they are have cheat codes, they aren't completely overpowered in the way that they can best every single thing without anyone's help. There's still others who are stronger or others who can help the MC gather not only the strength needed to fight against the villains but also to help uncover more of the lore as it goes on.

And it works so well in Ragnarok because: We have this prodigy of a child who can not only level up but has been gifted by his father with a whole Shadow Dungeon as well as inherited some of the powers, and yet he isn't a strong man from the start.

Suho is someone who needs help constantly. From the beginning of the series, he never won a fight alone in its entirety. He won it thanks to an external help and his own internal progression. He levels up, but he isn't completely broken (though he is stronger than his father in some levels because he chooses to add more of his points in strength rather than intelligence. He is like a "what if Jinwoo had invested more points in strength all the way instead of suddenly shifting his focus to intelligence.") From the top of my head I remember his fights where he had to rely on either the monarchs help, the help of the successors, or the help of other S ranks and A ranks (Miho in the Villain Arc, Ryo in the Pyramid and India arc), and even his dad's deus ex machina help to get through his fights.

But he doesn't see it as something bad, and the story doesn't pain it as bad. Suho wants to get strong, yes, but he doesn't distance himself when he needs help, and he doesn't become someone that leaves everyone behind after like two arcs. Granted some of the characters are only making appearances here and there, but they get fleshed out more as they appear.

Taking the case for Miho, who is almost the least explored, we do still see her in the arcs how her character evolves from someone who values her strength as is very observant, to someone who is upright and bossy, and slowly from then on we get to find out that she is someone like that because she has the same justice morals as her dad, and she is also the one who leads most of the paperwork while her dad is out there fighting for most of the battles. And she is just the least characterized. Then there is Zhigang, who suffered through the possession of the Itarims and thus becomes someone more bloodthirsty but wants to fight against that in order to protect others. We see Thomas confronted by his ineptitude and his emptiness of his power. We see Lim Dogyun and Taegyu having to reconcile with their past that separated them from the first place. We see Siddhart be swayed by his hero complex due to everything around him. They are characters in their own right (and they could be more explored. Yes. This also isn't the end, so I can't say whenever or not they will or to what extent)

The protagonist from Dungeon Reset also shows that train of though, often getting help from others, giving something in return. His actions make him a leader, whereas Suho's actions make him someone to be loved more, rather than lead.

And I mean loved more because he isn't usually in a leading leading position. He orders his shadows around and does rake on the lead in things a lot of the time, but in the case where he can't deal with something, he would let another take on the lead (I.e Haein in the Ice Elves Kingdom arc. Taegyu in the Villain arc. ) or he would have a small rag group of teammates (which, apart from the shadows, always changes depending on the arc) rather than a group that follows him here and there.

Not to mention the fact that the shadows speak more now, and there isn't as many as before with Jinwoo, so all of them get to extent their personalities as well, leading Suho to not be completely lonely for most of the time. Even the system in some way isn't just a blank screen, but rather Suho has Beru and Ammut, who act as a guide and a trainer, respectively.

Inadvertently, that leads to Suho's character of protection even more than before. He gets to admire his dad and his mom for what they have done and for how much more powerful they are than him. But it doesn't make him any less blind to the fact that, yeah, taking all the power for himself and having all the responsibilities as well, was a bad idea in the long run.

Father and Son

In regards to the cup, I think everyone would have made that decision. Turn back time and let people live happily ever after. That's all good. What sets the problem is the things that come after that.

And while the story mentions it, Suho also put in a new light of his own, that he wants his father to be recognized for his actions instead of taking it all alone for himself.

Now, does Jinwoo ever ask for a reward after saving the world? No. Does he need it? Absolutely. And that knowledge did always bug me as to why he would just try to keep himself from being known, try to gatekeep magic and monsters from the world. Why did he want it all to disappear and for himself to never be entirely understood. Because, again, just by going from Solo Leveling and its side stories, we never get to truly know if haein ever recovered all of her memories or if she was just told by Jinwoo what had happened before.

Then, the title slaps me in the face. Yeah, it's solo leveling. It's everything coinciding with lonelyness, Beru in Raganrok as well (and by extension, the other author) had emphasized at some point that he levels up alone, he lives alone, he slowly keeps driven to hide away everything that he is and everything that he has truly become— In the same way he hides away all the pain from being noticed by his sister, in the same way rhat he wanted to hide his profession of hunting from his mother, in the same way that he wanted to hide his awakening from everyone else, in the same way that he wanted to hide his trauma through more and more reckless fighting, in the same way he wanted to hide his potential lost of feelings as he is Leveling up, in the same way he NEVER brought up the fact that his father died right in front of him,— He closes himself because he thinks that if the people were to know of him, hate him? Worry for him? Fear him? Whatever he is expecting of others it scares him.

"But he actually just wants to live a normal life!" If he did, he would have given up his power to someone else, or he would have stopped himself from using his powers altogether. But he doesn't. He heals Haeins foot, he gives some mama to his friend so he can run faster, and he uses his shadows as well as other powers to do some criminal activities. He doesn't want a normal life. He just wants some escape. He is hypocritical with his own statement by already doing things that are out of the norm. "Oh, but she needed it, or they deserved it." Yeah, and he could also do that as well to others, heal sickness, hunt down other criminals out there in the world that pose a bigger threat to the living than anything, but he doesn't. Not to mention that the more mana he spreads, the more the enemies are going to notice him. And if he doesn't want to deal with that then he should have healed Haein with magic (maybe use something else that could have been nice) or hunt down criminals at all!

In the end, he had already come so dark to achieve all of his powers, and he can't just leave all of his responsibilities behind as much as he wants ro, so he has to come and accept it that he will never go back to the way it is.

And maybe he has already started to notice that? Or maybe he will get to notice that when he and Suho reunite again? Everything he knows bout earth is just recent, and he doesn't seem to be mad that Suho has decided to become a monarch of a different race instead of being the Shadow Monarch. And while I can't say much about Jinwoo's feelings right now or the state of his mind rhat he might be in right now, there are is a few hints out there that he could still feel as though it is always his duty to put every responsibility on him.

We see this in the reunion with Suho as an illusion. Suho sees his greatest fear, which is letting his own father down, unable to reach his maximum (or unable to reach the power he needs for Suho to help his father carry some of his burden). And he is worried as well that he IS Jinwoo's biggest weakness. To that, Jinwoo responded that it didn't matter and to use his full extent of his shadow powers either way. Once again, leaving Jinwoo to put on more responsibility on himself for the sake of others.

However, for the first time, and due mostly to the circumstances rather than himself, he has to expose that weakness even without being present. He has to learn to trust his own son, which he loves enough to do so, and finally, fucking finally get someone to help him out on earth. This man had it not been for son, who again, he does trust –because he knows him more than anyone else, it's his only child, it has the same powers as him, it's basically the only one who can relate to him: as a human and monarch. Suho also learns about his loneliness the more he hears of Jinwoo's story from Beru. He takes the risk of giving information about Jinwoo for the sake of not letting be alone anymore. That's his gift to his father, to let him acknowledge that no matter what, he won't stand alone anymore. Not as long as Suho is here and leveling up for him.

Ps: Incredibly funny of Suho to also be such a contrast to his dad that even Antares likes him. And it's not the 'Oh, he is just so nice that everyone can't stand his niceness cinnamon roll' Not it's the opposite. He will aggressively befriend you for your powers/skills/because yes. No questions asked.

Pss: Jinwoo will do anything for Suho, even change his lonely attitude of him it's making me sob. WHY DID IT TAKE YOU A SON FOR YOU TO FINALLY RELY ON SOMEONE THAT WASN'T DEAD 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. What's worse is the fact that it isn't an entire change of the original Jinwoo since in the last extras, he did want Suho to fight alongside him. Despite his C type parenting, he was doing all he could to love Suho as well.

But, you know, I wish we kinda got to see more of that father and son bond Daul *shaking Kakapage* Give us some flashbacks of them Daul! It's not that hard Daul!!!!! WHERES THEIR FISHING TRIP—

#happy valentines day #i got send to the hospital in the meantime bc yalls dumbass had never been vaccinated from very bad disseased like ever #how the fuck did i survive covid i have no earthly idea considering i could have just as easily died from freaking polio #anyways have reason 1283920 to read SLR #and totally not because im translating it no no no i dont self promote like that #solo leveling #solo leveling ragnarok #sung jinwoo #sung suho #sung su ho #cha hae in #solo leveling spoilers #solo leveling ragnarok spoilers #only i level up

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hydrangeyes · 4 months

Text

I ramble about headcanons while reading the artbook:

Here are my notes::

So idk if peeps talk about it but timeline wise I'm going to assume brozone's last concert had to be before the bergen fully captured the trolls.

I'm mainly basing this on the art work from the artbook, as well as how it would make sense how easily the older brothers could just walk off and live their own lives. Given previously with the whole bergen town surrounding the tree, and the only actual safe way out had to be a tunnel they were digging potentially not even ready yet.

So I would assume say a month at least after they left the bergen took over. Which could also play into all of them thinking the other was dead/captured and simply couldn't risk coming back even if they wanted too.

John dory returning when he had more experience and got "floyd's" letter. But for the most part genuinely was fine on his own. Maybe wanting to at least open communications back with his family.

Clay having found his way to Viv (I REFUSE to entertain the thought that he was with them when escaping just didn't contact branch or grandma)

I don't think floyd was even CLOSE to the tree to know. I imagine he did do a solo career but everything was so big and trolls being cared about wasn't till later. Which plays into that image of him playing alone in some alley on mount rageous.

Bruce traveled and maybe sent out a letter that never got received and found himself starting a new life and having kids.

I DIDN'T KNOW BRIDGET AND KING GRISTLE WERE IN THEIR MID TO LATE 20S HUUUHHH

I thought they were at MOST early 20s. Huh. Makes me wonder about the life spans of bergen.

I like to think outside bergen long since learned they don't have to eat trolls to be happy.

I need the extra of Viv consoling Poppy. Cause I need that.

I also need poppy and branch talking about sense of being left by siblings. How branch is still upset but dammit he's just as happy to be around them and singing with them again. How poppy just found a sibling who filled that unknown/forgotten side of her and having to potentially give a family member up. How now she understands branches hesitant to be involved with John dory at the start, etc etc.

I need more solo songs from the brothers. I need those scenes where they're bonding again. (Idk if you can tell but I want a TV series for the movie like the others).

I NEED backstop of the brother's parents and just WHERE are they if we're going with the before the bergen's theory.

I think it's funny before floyd and Branch were born. That Bruce was the middle child to probably dory's older brother and Clay's younger brother shenanigans. And then Clay becomes a middle child himself but not the peace maker kind lmao.

I need to see and hear that talk the sisters have with king peppy. Cause that whole side scene where he feels guilty was NOT enough.

I have this idea that what positivity was to branch in movie 1 is what being silly is to clay. Like it's not that they hate it but being taken serious and not always that one thing is a nice breath of fresh air. And maybe Viv had been someone who was able to welcome both sides for clay.

Branch is a poet idc what anyone says. He doesn't write anything bit he has his moments.

Also Poppy being a Clay stan idc idc idc

I LOVE SEEING MORE TYPES OF TROLLS. especially interesting when they don't seem like the typical singing ones!

Mount outrageous being a place without a single adult is... I have several questions on that. Whether that stayed in the final movie or not....

Concepts of the bergens remind me of old og Shrek designs.

Floyd not just being the more emotionally mature one is nice, he's also generally intelligent and clever/witty (from the artbook). Also, his style being confirmed emo is funny to me. Like, yeah, the hair is obvious, but now it gives me the pass to draw him wearing SO many cool/interesting outfits.

Creek concepts have me feeling annoyed at the fact that yeah... I can see it.

MOVING ON-

#trolls 3 #trolls band together #I have very clear favorites #no but seriously what happened to the bois parents if branch was the last kid?????#also a bestie joked about branch being floyd's twin but was a late hatching will not leave my head idk #i ADORE broppy so much #I love that branch doesnt stay overly saturated showing that while hes healing that deep depression doesnt just go away #trolls floyd #trolls branch #trolls john dory #trolls clay #trolls bruce #trolls viva #trolls king peppy

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mirrorballtales · 8 days

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Now that I’ve had two sleeps to absorb TTPD and all 31 songs I think I’m ready to share my thoughts. I think they’re still all over the place. I’m having to separate so many pieces of my sadness, reframe timelines all while trying to not fall to my knees and break down.

Before I go on, I have to say I think this album is definitely for the older fans. I mean obviously it’s for everyone but as someone who understands the lore or as much as we’re let in, and the discography, some songs have a bigger significance so I understand it’s not connecting with everyone. I hope it grows on them. Her fountain and quill pens have always meant so much to me. I cannot imagine the insurmountable pressure she must feel having a random place their existence in her hands. As much as I love her I have to just appreciate the art and interpret it the best way it fits me.

I won’t talk about every song - just the ones I’ve had visceral reactions to.

Fortnight, so when I first heard it Thursday night I started crying. The line “I was supposed to be sent away but they forgot to come get me.” Before a video was even released all I could think about were my hospital stays. I always joke about them. And all those jokes were funny and riddled with humorous truth. But when the punchline is given, and the laughter dies down, I’m left alone to grieve all that time I lost because of men and boys and people who ruined my life. They made me out to look crazy, like stints in these rooms were going to fix me. Pills I took to forget them just made me want to die. The scars I acquired like trophies are mine to wear like badges of honor. All of that is what I thought with just that line. Then the music video was released. I literally screamed. I saw it and sobbed with a sweltering scream of pain. Seeing myself chained up to a painfully lit room, chained up, drugged up all because I loved. All my life since, I’ve thought I only belong there. Every day, every emotion I’ve had has ruined my life. Ever felt so fucking crazy and no one sees you? That’s what this feels like. But every day. There was something about the way Post Malone hugged Taylor that broke me again. I can’t explain it. I don’t think I’ve ever been held like that. Not as a child. Not as an adult. In that moment I realized I’ve needed a tortured tragic poet hero to come break me out of the asylum. And I’ve waited. I’ve tried escaping but I am pulled back. I think it’s the first time I’ve admitted it to myself I don’t think I can do this myself. But I have no choice and it’s a painful realization that all my life I’ve had to save myself. I’ve been the crazy one in the family. I am the one that isn’t all there. I just want to run to anyone who wants to hold me and tell me they’re getting me out of there. Like I said the song had an incredibly raw and taxing effect on me.

Down Bad, I think this one is really easy for anyone who sits there crying because you’re well, down bad. And it makes you angry. It makes you sad. I think a reel of me being second choice plays in my mind. The boy I like telling me he doesn’t want me. Or the boy telling me I’m nice but there’s better out there. Or begging the guy you love not to leave and him telling you that you’re too much. So he leaves you stranded like he’s doing you a favor. And yeah fuck every single one of them. There’s a petulance saying that. Saying fuck you for not wanting me. Fuck you for not being down bad for me. Fuck you for not doing the all the fighting so you don’t lose me.

So Long, London. It’s track five. I gave all my youth for free. And to have to say goodbye to all of that like it’s my fault? Like it’s my prophecy to be a tragedy.

Fresh Out the Slammer, I’ve lived this song so many times. And then I grew up. I erased the number. Forgot it like my life depended on it but for a while, I knew who’d my first call was too. Then I realized they’d never pick up anyway. I know better.

Guilty as Sin? I’m very guilty. Listen to the way song builds like nirvana. And imagine yourself in it. Alone. I say this a lot but if you read my diary there’s an entry with these lyrics lived out by me. Tell me, you haven’t fantasized. Tell me you don’t recall things you never did. Tell me your body hasn’t longed before but you told yourself to let it stay in a vault. A fantasy where you’ve already done it in your head? I think it actually follows edging to completion. Your mind playing tricks on you, your sheets your only grasp, your chest rising and falling harder and quicker, labored breathing, waves of pleasure crashing into you, words escaping your lips, longing glances into other eyes while yours are closed. It’s a fatal fantasy that takes over you. And you worship it, religiously. Go ahead, recall the things you never did. Be guilty as sin.

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me? You should be. This is a response to mirroball. It’s so easy to vilify the quiet, the nice, the good girl. And then she breaks. Then she’s done playing your chess games. Being a pawn in schemes. I feel this so much as an eldest daughter, as the one that has to be perfect and a degree below that was unacceptable.

loml, I want to acknowledge that this song broke me. I still can’t listen fully without losing it. They say wounds heal with time. But I’m still waiting.

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart, I think for me this is just how I’ve lived my life. I don’t get to be shattered without movement. I must be broken hearted and figure it out, be a tough kid, fake it, smile even if I want to die. It’s an art I’ve perfected.

The Alchemy, I’d like to wake up from the hospital stay. I’d like to be out of the vision in my head. Chemistry is something I’ve always been so fascinated with. You cannot fake it. You cannot learn it or grow it. It’s either there or not. It borders on magical. It’s the only time I believe in something otherworldly. You can’t fight it. You can hide it. Sure. But it’ll pull you out of darkness. It’s my favorite trope. Magnets. Addiction. The most human thing because you can’t make it in a lab. Like the hand of God said here’s the alchemy, you’ll find the other part of that equation.

In-depth thoughts for The Anthology will come later tonight.

#taylor swift #the black dog #taylor’s version #taylornation #the eras tour #healing #the tortured poets department #dead poets society #old habits die screaming #fortnight #post Malone

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lindszeppelin · 5 months

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I almost feel bad for some of the Kaustin shippers. So many have done face reveals and/or use their real names/provide other identifying information about themselves.

Like, most are young and in Kaia’s peer group or younger. I was wise beyond my years when I was that age but boy did I get more polished with age. I’m beyond glad there is no internet footprints of most of my thoughts and opinions from that age! I’d say they should know better, but they don’t have the perspective to how much their thoughts on relationships will change as they experience more relationships and witness how other people’s relationships fall apart. It’s the curse of being young: you think you know more than you do. They don’t know that how you feel in your early twenties will not necessarily hold up the rest of your life. That said, I low key feel Mollie should know better. She’s in freakin’ law school and is essentially studying and analyzing consequences at the end of the day. Like…does she think law firms or clients can’t one day come across her blog, tweets, photos (whether they’re still live when she officially enters that profession or on something like screenshots or the way back machine that someone will track down her footprint…which will be fine bc she’s literally teaching her followers how to better stalk Austin via the way back machine 🙄🙄🙄🙄) will find her literal stalking and investing sooooo much time into a relationship between people she’ll never meet cute or professional or even remotely okay? Like how is she not scared that this could be a huge embarrassment and liability to be such a rabid fan who follows several people’s every move? It’s a terrible look professionally.

Like I said, I kinda feel bad bc you don’t know what you don’t know. But they also write fan fiction as they go based on tips of icebergs (largely out of context) and are thinking it’s cool to leave their identifiable information out there. I don’t think I would have done that even at 22 so I cannot wrap my head around it. Sorry- just wanted to vent about this.

Related: I hate it when they say we’re infantilizing Kaia or any young women when we point out age differences aren’t cool. No, we’re 🚨warning🚨 them based on what we’ve learned. Not every older dude is a predator- I don’t think Austin is “ preying” on Kaia. But you hit a few nails on the head some posts back talking about him being a bit lost when he met Kaia. He had just finished some intense projects and was still likely finding himself post his relationship with Vanessa. Yes, it had been 2ish years but a) it was a long ass relationship, b) he wasn’t even living in LA the entire time between relationships and didn’t go home/see his family and c) throw in a global pandemic in there so those 2 years were weird AF. I’m personally of the belief that if an older man is with a younger girl something is a bit off, even if it’s neutral (read: not a bad guy or a predator) but is in a weird place or hasn’t grown into their adult life yet and just has a bit more work to do. I personally think he should have stayed single a bit longer to grow into his adult self. I don’t judge him for going for a younger woman and I semi get it, as I also believe we mentally/emotionally revert back to the relative age we were when a relationship began (post break up). He was so young when he and V got together and was in a serious relationship in his twenties. Of course he’s going to relate to younger people for a hot moment (and that’s not taking away his intelligence or maturity in other ways…this can happen to the best of us). But yeah, he should stayed single and someone should teach Kaia that older men who wanna date young women probably aren’t the best idea for a spectrum of reasons. It’s not infantilizing- it’s a warning, it’s concern, and it’s about being literate about human psychology and behaviors regarding patterns and societal standards that we need to rethink.

Sorry this was longer than I intended. I guess I’ve been wanting to say all of this for some time so it was bottled up. Hope it didn’t come across as a hater- I don’t hate Austin (I’m side eyeing and running out of patience the longer this goes on bc I believe him to be smarter than this, but I still don’t think he’s a bad dude.) As I said, this happens to the best of us and it’s not an attack. Life is messy and dialogues about this stuff are important. And bc we’ve lived it, those young whipper snappers should respect their elders and not gaslight our lived experience/observations/lessons learned 😂

Hello anon! I just wanted to have some dinner and craft a response for you, because damn this was so well put together that it deserves a little more depth of analysis from me. So thank you for taking your time to write in your thoughts.

Off the top, I do agree that the younger generation is way too lax with how they throw around their identifying information out there on social media. A lot of them just aren't aware that whatever you post online leaves a footprint, and even if you try to delete it or conceal it, it will always be there. So even if they think they're being cocky by revealing their faces and leaving their names and where they live and such out there without a care, welp that is gonna come back around and haunt them later. Us millennials (i assume you're a fellow millennial, or Gen X at most lol) know the dangers of the internet as we grew up with the beginnings of social media. I would think twice if i were these kids uploading their faces and other shit to twitter/tumblr. Employers can find all of this even when the shippers don't think they can.

I think when we were these shippers ages we all said some pretty cringe shit online. Here's hope that as these kids grow up they realize the damage they can do by how their words and actions can affect others. And I will also just say here that just because someone goes to college for higher learning doesn't mean they are smarter than anyone else. Book smarts don't equal street smarts. and in this world I highly value being street smart and internet smart over book smart. And i think we all know that not every profession is well suited to everyone that signs up for that career field. Passing the bar is insanely difficult and even then, do you know how many half assed shitty lawyers there are out there roaming these streets? Crazy.

The stalking in this fandom is horrific, and if she really is dishing out details on how to stalk Austin's past social medias to obtain information, then they are certified crazy. It's giving straight jacket. It's giving delusional stalker. And to answer your question of how they can overlook what they say online...arrogance and ego, simply put. You think you're untouchable until one day you're not.

This point you bring up here about Austin and Kaia, dude, amazing. This needed to be said. You are so correct. Of course Austin is not a predator. Only fucking idiots would say that shit and compare him to Leo. This man clearly went through the ringer, and his choice in dating partner only reflects the mental state he was in (and might still be lingering in) at that time. He had a full fledged identity crisis meanwhile he flew to London straight after being released from the Hospital in Australia and filmed MOTA, then a few short months later he met Kaia under questionable circumstances. Plus the whirlwind of the award season and the hefty Elvis press tour is so much for a person to handle, especially when this was his first time doing both of those. No man or woman under normal circumstances would get mixed up with someone much younger than them (especially when the younger one hasn't even been a legal adult for that long). it's really a reflection of a switch not being turned on for the older person AND fucked up trauma somewhere in the young person. Trauma all around really.

At kaia's age, being with a man much older than her might have given the impression to others that she was so wise beyond her years, but she's a damn child. She shows her age all the time when she takes pictures with her young friends, go to these embarrassing parties that involve BDSM or sex or fanfiction readings in her "perverted bookclub". That is all stuff a 22 year old and younger would probably be found doing. That is not something a functioning adult who's doing okay would engage in. Plus, by her own admission she has been around men much older than he all her life thanks to Cindy pushing her to model since she was so young. So she is fucked up from that, and dating older men is what she is used to. She thinks it's normal. But in reality, it's not. And it's the fact that these shippers who are her age DON'T have a problem with it, but those of us who are close to Austin's age have a MASSIVE problem with it.

You're telling me that if theses shippers were to see a regular 32 year old man holding hands with a 22 year old out and about in the grocery store or whatever that they'd be cool with it? No, you side eye that shit. It is not normal or usual, it is odd. I as a near 30 year old woman would never in my life consider dating someone Kaia's age, are you for fucking real? In Hollywood this weirdo shit might be immorally normalized, but in regular society it is NOT OKAY. And I hope Austin get out of this funk he's been in for 2-3 years now. Continuing to be with her will only further damage himself in the long run, as you can clearly tell this man is not in love with her.

I think I hit on everything I wanted to comment on, but honestly I don't remember so im just gonna leave it here lol.

#lindsay's anon asks

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woso-fan13 · 2 years

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Syrup and Strollers (USWNT x toddler!Reader)

Being a parent is the hardest job. You work constantly, you never have sick days, and people always need something from you. Lives are in your hands. Being a single parent is harder, you have no one to share this task with. Your mom understood this all too well. You, however, didn’t. You were still just a toddler.

Your mom worked hard, putting herself through college and medical school. She became a physiatrist, and was working constantly for years. After a night out with friends and a few too many drinks, you came into her life 9 months later. She instantly fell in love, devoting everything to you. She knew it would be hard to be a single mom, but, looking at your tiny pinched face, she would do anything for you.

She drastically cut down on her work hours and tried to put you in daycare. That didn’t work out, the center had to call your mom after you sobbed for so long and so hard that you made yourself sick. After months of interviews and research, she finally found a nanny that you tolerated. You didn’t dislike your nanny, but she wasn’t your mom. So your mom did everything she could to spend as much time with you, working nights, not picking up extra shifts, hurrying home right after work. For the first 2.5 years of your life, you and your mom were barely separated.

And then your nanny said she was moving. Your mom knew you would not do well with another nanny. She knew you wouldn’t go to daycare or stay with a friend. She was stuck in an impossible situation. Until she heard someone at work talking about a new job they heard about. The USWNT needed a new team doctor. The pay was fine, but the hours were great and she could bring you with her. After several interviews, she had the job. Which brings us to where we are today. Your mom was walking into the conference room of a hotel, you perched on her hip. She walked right up to an older man and started introductions.

“Vlatko, this is Y/N, my daughter.”

“Y/N/N, do you know who this is? He’s a very important man and we’re going to be spending lots of time with him,” she bounced you slightly, trying to get you to focus on the man in front of you.

Your little face scrunched up, trying to think about who this man could be. Suddenly, you knew who he was,

“Gwan’pa?” you asked, your voice quiet.

The two adults froze for a second, then your mom opened her mouth, starting to correct you. But that moment locked it in. No matter what anyone said, Vlatko was now grandpa.

You tuned out the rest of the conversation, instead resting your head on your mom’s shoulder and basking in her comfort.

Before you knew it, you were waking up on a king bed, your mom unpacking. Your little whimpers quickly caught her attention and she scooped you up, covering your face in kisses. Your mom began making conversation, knowing you wouldn’t respond. She quickly got you dressed and pulled your curly hair back into pigtails. You babbled happily back to her.

Physically, you were meeting all of your developmental milestones, but linguistically, you were delayed. Your mom blamed herself for it, thinking that if she had put you into activities with other kids, you would be caught up on skills. But you knew the truth, you could talk if you wanted to. There was just no reason to, your mom always knew what you were trying to say. Your verbal delay, small stature, and clingy nature made you the perfect mama’s girl.

—-

You held on to your mom as she walked into the elevator. She walked towards a room which you recognized from earlier- the room grandpa was in. Knocking slightly on the door before pushing it open, she strode to the front of the room, a bright smile on her face. Tons of new faces filled the room, causing you to push your face into your mom’s neck.

“Hey everyone! I wanted to introduce myself quickly, then I’ll let y’all get to your dinner. I’m Y/M/N, I’m going to be the new team doctor. A little background, I grew up in Maine, went to undergrad and med school at Tulane, became a physiatrist, then had this monkey,” at this, she motions to you, “This is Y/N, she’s about 2.5, her favourite colour is pink, and she is a total mama’s girl. She’ll probably be hanging around with me a lot, just a heads up. Anyway, please know you can come to me for anything. I really mean it, even if you just need someone to talk to.”

As soon as your mother was finished speaking, hands shot up around the room.

“Well, this wasn’t meant to be a Q&A, but I guess we can make it one. If you don’t mind starting with your name, I can work on learning all of those.”

A voice breaks out, “First, I’m Alex, welcome to the team. And I just wanted to say that Y/N is totally adorable!.”

“Thank you! I think so too, but I’m a little biased. She’s a little shy though, just a warning,” your mother responds.

She goes to set you down, hoping to take the conversation in a more serious direction. Detangling you from her, your face contorts as you are set down. As soon as your mom lets go of you, you begin screeching, a high pitched sound. Quickly, your mom hoists you up, and as soon as you are perched on her hip, you go silent. Your face goes back to neutral, leaving no signs of the previous moment.

“And that’s Y/N, she’s certainly something. She can be a real handful on her own terms, she just gets a little overwhelmed,” your mom tries to keep it lighthearted. “Also that’s one of the reasons you’ll usually see her with me, we’re pretty attached. I do promise you that I won’t let her distract me from my job. Obviously, she is my top priority, but if I feel like I can not properly do my job and watch her, I have no problem stepping down. If you feel like she is becoming a distraction to you, any of your teammates, or me, please let me know. I’m here to help you, and, if the best way that I can do that is by stepping away, that’s the way it will have to be.”

“I’m Kelley, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that I don’t see her being a bother. I can’t promise you that I won’t try anything to get her to like me. Speaking of which, what’s her favourite ice cream flavour?”

At the mention of ice cream, you peak slightly out at Kelley. Looking from her to your mom and back again, you slowly reach your arms out to her. Kelley holds her arms out to grab you. Shocked, your mom quickly hands you over. Kelley begins the ‘mom rock’ as soon as you are on her hip and you appear quite comfortable.

“That’s incredible,” your mom says in awe, “I’ve never seen her do that. She sobbed for at least 20 minutes every time she had to go with her nanny and she’d known her for years.”

Looking at Kelley, you were fully settled in. Emily was leaning over to you, whispering about sometime that was making you giggle slightly. Wanting to push her luck, Lindsey leans over and joins in, poking where your dimples were on display. Sneaking her phone out, your mom takes a picture of the sweetness in front of her. In that moment, she knew she had made the right choice.

“Alright, we’ll leave you guys to your dinner. My cell phone number is in the information packet that you got this morning, please call if you need anything. Day or night, don’t hesitate to call.”

Reaching out to grab you, you grumble slightly when you are disrupted. When you look behind you and realize who grabbed you, you babble happily, having missed your mom. The only distinguishable words the team heard was ‘mama’ and something that sounded like ice cream. Kelley was going to have to take you to ice cream, lest you throw a tantrum.

After a brief prompting, you wave ‘bye-bye’ to the team and you are on your way out.

—-

The next morning, you were up bright and early and you were hungry. Bouncing on the bed, you tried to wake your mom. She only turned away from you and went back to sleep. You decided you would be a big girl and go get breakfast yourself. You knew how to find the conference room, that must be where it is.

You slip out of bed and walk quietly to the door. Wearing pjs, barefoot, and rocking some major bedhead, you push the door open and head to the elevator. Getting on, you're met with a problem, you don’t remember what floor you need to go to. Deciding that the elevator would eventually stop on the right floor, you sat criss-cross onto the elevator floor. Besides, the elevator was already moving, you couldn’t do anything about it now.

Hearing a ding, the door opens. Looking up, you see some of the team entering.

“Y/N? What are you doing here? Are you okay? Where’s your mom?” you hear someone ask, but you don’t know who she is. She’s really pretty and has curls that you would love to tug.

You just shrug, and- seeing a familiar face- raise your arms to be picked up. Kelley bends down, swinging you up into her arms. You look up at her, asking,

“‘nack?”

That gets you a lot of confused looks, so you ask again. And a third time when they still don’t get it. Luckily the elevator stops and everyone gets off, and Alex is there.

“Alex, help, what’s a ‘nack?’ She keeps asking for it.” Kelly asks

Alex respondes in a similar way, “a ‘nack?”

That’s when you finally pipe up, “ea’ ‘nack?”

Alex suddenly understands, “you want to eat a snack?”

Nodding, you are happy to finally be understood, “ea’ ‘nack!”

To the side, you hear a chuckle. It comes from the lady in the wrong way hat- she’s holding the hand of the lady with the pretty curls.

“You snuck out of your room and left your mom because you wanted a snack?”

At this, Alex whipped around, looking at the girls, “did anyone tell her mom where she is? She’s probably worried.”

She was met with guilty looks and shakes of heads, but you just give her a look, “mama ‘leepin’”

“Mama’s still sleeping?” Kelley asks.

Seeing your nod, she pulls out her phone. She takes a quick picture, texting it to your mom with the caption ‘got the baby.’

With a nod, she sticks her phone in her pocket and heads to the conference room, the others following her lead.

Going to grab food, she realizes her current predicament, she needs another hand. Thinking quickly, she lifts you up and sets you on her shoulders. You shriek, startled by the sudden change in altitude, and grab onto her bun for your dear life.

Seeing your white knuckle grip, someone comes to save you. Grabbing you gently and pulling you down into their arms. Looking up, you see the curly haired lady. You make the most of the situation, reaching up to grab a curl. Pulling it down, you release it and watch as it springs back. Giggling, you do it again. After a couple more times, a hand gently grabs yours and spins you around. You settle in her lap and reach to grab the pancake in front of you. Your little hands take the pancakes and dip it into syrup, bringing it to your mouth. Chewing it thoroughly, you swallow before repeating the process. When you finally finished, both you and the nice lady- Christen, you had learned her name was- were sticky. Just as a hand reaches out to attack you with a wipe, you hear a door open. Looking over, you see your favourite person and shout:

“Mama! Ea’ ‘nack!”

Apologizing profusely to the team, she scoops you up. They all laugh it off, telling her that there was nothing to worry about. You were a sweet kid and they all knew that they would love to watch you sometimes. Your mom finally takes a breath, thanking them.

“Thank you all, really. I don’t think I’ve slept past 7 for at least 6 years, it was incredible.” Pressing a kiss to your head, she licks her lips, “you definitely got a hold of some syrup, want to go take a bath?”

You love baths, so you start bouncing happily in her arms. Shouting “bye-bye,” you were off to the baby spa.

—

Freshly bathed, hair brushed, and new clothes on, you were content in your stroller. Your mama was going for a run and you loved to ride with her. You took in all of the scenery, it was different then your usual route through your neighborhood, but you liked it. Your morning runs were one of your favourite times of your day.

When you get back to your room, your mom puts you in the desk chair with a puzzle, knowing that will keep you distracted for a while. With a pat on the head and a firm ‘stay put’ she was in the shower.

By the time she was finished getting ready, you were just finishing your puzzle. Loading you into the stroller and grabbing a bag of toys, you were off to the field. Luckily, the field was in walking distance to the hotel. Usually, your mom tries to be early to get everything set up, so that rules out taking the team bus. And taking one of the rental cars would be a hassle of loading car seats, so walking it was.

Arriving at the stadium, you were set on the exam table with a baby doll while your mom got everything ready. The team had trainers and medics who took care of the everyday things, but your mom was there for anything major. She was always prepared but she hoped she would never have to use it.

The team starts trickling into the stadium, beginning to warm up. You were thrilled to see them all, wiggling off of the table and running to join in. Normally, your mom would say something about you running off, but you were like a completely different kid. She loved how open you were being and she could let you get away with a little bit more if it meant you were happy.

—-

After a long warmup, you were exhausted. You had to lay on Kelley while she did sit-ups, and Ash sat you on her back while she did push-ups. You were in charge of chasing down any stray balls and running them back (and the girls may have purposely been kicking them a little far just to watch you toddle with a ball the size of you.) Also, it was nearing nap time. Suffice to say, you would be falling asleep in the next 15 minutes, it was up to fate and your mom as to where. Reclining the stroller and pulling the shade, she settles you in. You're asleep almost instantly.

Towards the end of practice, one of the new girls asks your mom to talk. Glancing back at your sleeping form in the stroller, she quickly agrees, ushering the girl to a private room.

About 5 minutes after that, you begin stirring awake. Blinking, you open your eyes to see someone peering down at you, water halfway raised to her mouth. You burst into tears. You couldn’t remember where you were and you didn’t know where your mom was. The girl tries to comfort you but you shy away. Hearing the commotion, everyone starts coming over. Spotting a familiar face, you sob:

“Gwan’pa,”

Huffing to hide his smile, he picks you up with one hand, denying to the crowd,

“I am not her Grandfather.”

Rifling through your things, he pulls out a baby carrier. After loosening a few straps he manages to slip it on and slide you in. Making sure all of the buckles are secure, he begins coaching again.

When your mom emerges half an hour later, she is a bit panicked. She knew you must have woken up and there was no telling how you would react. Stopping before she steps onto the field, she sees you strapped to Vlatko’s chest. You look completely relaxed.

Watching from the shadows, she sees practice end a few minutes later. Seeing you begin to squirm, she watches Vlatko free you and set you on your feet. You take off onto the field, ready to show off your nonexistent soccer skills. The girls begin playing with you, not missing a beat.

After a quick apology to Rose for being scared of her earlier- which consisted of holding a hand out and asking ‘pay?’ before dragging her out with you- everything was perfect.

At that moment, your mom knew she would never be a single mother again. You had about 2 dozen wrapped around your tiny finger. And a totally in denial new grandpa. You were born with a small family, only your mom, but you were beginning to build your own. Nothing was the way she had it planned 4 years ago, but everything was how it was meant to be.

#uswnt woso #womens soccer #woso x reader #uswnt imagine #woso community #uswnt players #uswnt x reader #woso imagine #woso imagines #woso soccer #reader insert

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sapphicmcmean · 7 months

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so anyway back to au talk

in my Silly little au thalia goes on the athena parthenos quest at 16 (legacy of athena<3 and also plot relevant to have it while annabeth is way younger) and she's joined by the hunters (as in, finding the area of the quest but they dont join her down to arachne, they wait until she gets out in case something happens) and her and zoë still have that hatred for each other

somehow they convince her to let them help her (something propechy probably, have not worked out the details) and so thalia and zoë have to work together

they bicker. they argue. and they begrudgingly agree with each other to put their past aside to finish this quest as fast as possible so they never have to see each other again

but as they spend more time together, they actually start to like each other. like, LIKE like each other. surprisingly fast, which makes both wonder if they had only felt hatred for each other before this

so thalia goes on the quest to arachne, succeeds, nearly dies because of the hole to tartarus but the hunters save her (the whole still exists, sort of patched up but campers know to avoid it [becomes more plot relevant later <3]) and so she's alive

now, she has the choice to join the hunters or just go back to camp hb. she chooses to go back to camp– not even pretty girls can change her mind about not wanting to live like a hunter and having to watch her family die

she says goodbye to them all, lingering on zoë longer than the others. artemis can lowkey tell whats happening between them, but since neither are making a move, she doesnt do anything. her hunters cant simply stop feeling, so she doesnt care: as long as they dont act on those feelings

whenever the hunters need help, now, zoë immediately suggests thalia. even when thalia is a full grown adult, with her own life and everything, she still helps them out

of course, she still likes zoë. zoë still likes her. but neither of them can pursue a relationship: thalia now feels weird anout dating someone whos bodily 12 while being 20+ herself (even tho zoë is way older than her), and zoë could never leave artemis' side

so, thalia stays single. she's not the type to get into relationships much, anyway. she calls herself the "fun aunt of chb", which most of the kids would say is accurate. zoë and the hunters pop in more often, though only stay for short times

and, angst: zoë has to watch thalia grow older and die. and she lives with questions: should she have left the hunters for thalia? pursued her instead of doing nothing? should she have tried to convince thalia to join the hunters? was being immortal worth it, if she had to watch any non-hunter friends die? what would her life be if she left?; all she knows now is how to be a hunter.

#i Accidentally made drewbeth and thazoë have the Same trope but thats ok drewbeth is slowburn and thazoë is eternal longing #actually i could make thazoë slowburn too ...........................#guess which au:#9kids1mom #hehe #pjo #thalia grace/zoë nightshade #thalia grace #zoë nightshade #i Changed my mind about zoë dying first i want her to suffer eternally <3 love her #and ykw? once zoë dies - since she's a nymph - thalia and her arent even going to see each other #i love doomed - ish yuri #idk is this counts but its Okay i Love them #thazoë #sapphicmcmean

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capesandshapes · 1 year

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You're a Crisis of My Faith (2/2)

Summary:

The Berlint wall fell in 1989.

Damian Desmond found out that his whole life was a lie in 1990.

(AO3 Link) (Part 1 - Tumblr)

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Damian Desmond counted the seconds by the sound of drips in the coffee maker of his favorite café as his fingers absentmindedly drummed against his table, his mind mentally reciting lessons that Loid Forger had taught him during his training. In the back of his head, Loid’s voice was even there, explaining how he kept time by the ticking of the clock and nothing more, because if you were to watch the clock, others would grow suspicious.

Of course, others were already suspicious, considering the fact that he’d been there for five hours, and his coffee had already gone cold—Anya would be gone by then, he was sure. Five hours was more than enough time for her to come find him if she wanted to, five hours was longer than he should have waited. He knew that.

Just as he knew he would come home to an empty apartment.

Her things would no longer sit beside his. Her dirty clothing would no longer dirty up the halls. Her shoes would no longer sit on top of his, ever in his way and ever annoying him when he woke up to go to work in the mornings.

He should have been happy she was gone; instead, he was sitting there, wasting time and wishing that the steam would cling to his coffee cup a little longer.

In the end, Damian figured that he’d earned a little wallowing.

He loved her since he was six, long before hormones and social standings and all the little intricacies of the adult world began to seep in. Long before he could even think to kiss her.

He’d practiced with nine other girls before he kissed Anya, praying that he would fall in love with them instead.

She knew all of their names, documented their heights and ages in her dossier. She’d left them notes as well, speculating why he would want them in particular, what it was that made them important—basic intelligence gathering, really. Just one look at Loid’s reports made it clear that she was doing the bare minimum in those situations, and that she’d hardly cared to know more about them in the end—she’d never left a note on the reason why.

Anya never noted that he loved her. Damian couldn’t guess the reason why. The most he knew about how it all came into being was that W.I.S.E. had called for it.

W.I.S.E. had told her to befriend him to get close to his father, and they told her to date him to… Well, “the same thing it always was,” Damian flatly remarked, idly stirring his coffee with his spoon. “To Get close to my father.”

Never mind the fact that Damian wasn’t even close to begin with, or that in his briefing, he’d found that his father had tried to blame some of his later crimes on him.

It was all fake. It was all planned. From the moment his eyes met hers…

Damian sighed, finally allowing his head to fall as he admitted defeat. He couldn’t stay there all night, not when the older waitress kept looking at him the way that she did, with pity in her eyes like he was another one of those saps left sitting out alone waiting for a date that would never come—did she know who he was? That he was a Desmond, and Desmonds never lost?

Except when it came to pink haired women with green eyes and telepathy, he guessed.

“Crap,” Damian murmured, because the mere thought of her and just the way that she looked practically stabbed at his soul. He was losing a lot, he supposed, considering the fact that he was already missing someone who’d only just left. His eyes closed for just a second, his fists clenching and his jaw locking as he tried to clear his mind. He needed to forget her, to forget the way it felt.

He needed to steel himself against her and—

And—

Damian’s mind actually blanked as he opened his eyes, every single molecule of oxygen leaving his body as well as he took in the very minute change of scenery.

Papers.

A big, white stack of papers, several inches thick and sitting right where his coffee once was.

Damian blinked.

“These are dated a month ago,” Anya hissed as her teal nail stabbed in the direction of the date at the top of his briefing. Her hand only briefly rested there for a moment, so short of a moment that he almost would have thought it to be some sort of momentary daydream, before Anya moved to do what she always did—steal his drink. “This is cold,” she stated, her hand pausing on the handle, her voice so heavy with disgust that he could not help but look at her, only to see her pulling one of those faces again. “And I am tired of waiting. I’m drinking this as punishment.”

He gawked as she looked back at him and snorted, then gawked again as Anya, seeming to be a glutton for punishment, dumped his coffee down her throat and sat down across from him, her eyes alight with amusement, even as the rims of them rang red.

“Anya,” he tried, a small part of him wondering if she was here to gloat, but then she shook her head and rolled her eyes at him, her face alight with determination as she leaned forward and spoke once more.

“Damian,” she said, her leg stretching out under the table, and her ankle hooking against his. “A month,” Anya questioned, and while her features were innocent and her emotions were hidden from the untrained eye, her tone was full of mock concern as she leaned towards him. “I wonder what else you’re keeping from me?” She asked, the corners of her mouth creeping up as those green eyes surveyed him and waited, silently waited, for the one thing he would not have said.

And, of course, with reddened ears and that ever-disarming smile aimed in his direction, Damian could not help but give her exactly what she wanted.

“You’re coming home,” Anya said just a moment later, brightening further as she swung their intertwined legs under the table. Telepaths, god damn them. “You were worried about me—no! You missed me!” She grinned, her eyes alight with delight as she leaned towards him, ever the open book as relief rung just behind her cute, sunshiny demeanor. “You’re wondering if I love you—” Anya said, and Damian had to toss his head back not to say anything stupid at that moment in reply. “Really love you?” Anya said with a hint of a laugh, like the fact that she was there didn’t say enough, or the fact that she had kept on being there for a year and a half prior to her mission formally ending didn’t say enough. Damian might not have been a mind reader, but he could read between the lines far better than she could.

Ugh, he wanted to kiss her.

Ugh, he wanted to hug her.

Ugh, he wanted to bash his head into the table. He wanted to touch her, and that stupid look as she knowingly held out her hand between the two of them to catch his head if he acted out his impulses only made it worse.

“Don’t think you’re getting away with this,” Damian spoke, averting his gaze and rationalizing that she owed him for the hours and hours he’d spent; but of course, that was not what Anya heard.

What Anya heard was a simple and rather verbose: Fuck, I love her. Which, she supposed, was enough for now.

#damianya #anya x damian #anya forger #damian desmond #spy x family fanfic #fanfiction #sxf fanfic #it's my party and I'll artistically swear if I want to #FINISHED #MY FANFIC

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erigold13261 · 1 year

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Hi! Do you have HCs for older Yinu? I loved your take on her, as well as her future designs! Questions like: “Will she stay in NSR as an adult?” Or “What does she like doing other than playing the piano?” Thanks and Love Love Sayu Pyunnn to you!

I'm really glad you like my design! I need to make more life designs lol

As for headcanons, I would say that Yinu will probably stay with NSR until late teens to early adulthood, she is definitely not going to spend her whole life working under the same company.

I think the reason she would leave would probably because of Mama, whether it be because she has declining health or... dies. Either way, that would be a kick to Yinu to stop working and actually live, because I can see Yinu spending her whole childhood and teen years playing piano professionally so much that she just doesn't have a real life. No matter how hard Mama tries to make it so that Yinu can have a normal life, it will never be normal as long as she is a megastar.

Once she retires, or at least takes a few years away from NSR, I would think she starts exploring outside of piano. She probably has no real idea who she is or what she likes. She definitely likes plants, so she would travel a bit. A lot actually. She would go and visit all kinds of places, probably with Mama or by herself. Possibly she could go with a friend or partner if she has one later on.

During this time she would still be practicing piano, but not nearly as much as she was when she was a child. Maybe she picks up some other instruments. I can see her playing harp, which Mama would teach her, or violin, which Neon J could teach. She would definitely still be in touch with the other megastars too.

Yinu would find a love of adventure, a passion for cooking, and an eye for fashion. And honestly, I can see her also learning to fight, like karate or judo, kickboxing, something like that.

As she gets older she would start to slow down, maybe date maybe get married. Possibly stay single for a long while. I see Yinu as a lot more independent as she gets older, having had her mother basically around her and protecting her all the time would make Yinu a bit more cautious of getting in a relationship and fearing she would lose some of her independence. But she would still want to one day get married and be as happy as her parents were, but also scared of loving someone so much she might lose them like Mama lost Papa. It would be a big hurdle for her honestly.

Once she is no longer traveling, putting up small performances here and there, I could see her returning to professional piano playing. Probably in her mid 30s. She would have to learn what type of music is popular and how to make it, but I am sure she would be a hit whenever she comes back. If NSR is still around at that time she would be willing to join again, though there would definitely be a whole different set of megastars that she would have to get to know. The only one I can see still being there is Sayu, and even then that is a very low probability. Yinu would also be more willing to go fully solo in her career or join other music industries. Probably more willing to do that than to rejoin NSR if she can't get over the nostalgia.

No matter what, Yinu is going to have a long and fulfilling life. There will be hardships, and trying to figure out who she is later in life. But she will have fun overall and in the end she will retire to where Mama and Papa grew up and live the rest of her life there. Sometimes an ex-megastar will visit her, or she will visit them, or a fan will find her, but she enjoys her life and is happy in the end.

#nsr #no straight roads #nsr yinu #eritalks #asks #erithinks #noart #love talking about nsr #am glad people are asking about it again!#i have a lot of p/sychonauts asks #which i do enjoy #but i have such a hard time answering those #while nsr comes so easily to me #both are super fun tho!#:D

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outlanderfandomfollies · 2 years

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Apparently some extreme shippers never learned about recessive genes🧬🤷🏻‍♀️

Someone shared some screencaps with me yesterday from certain extreme shipper (ES) blogs. They are celebrating what they think is “proof” that the father of C’s baby is actually S. All because they saw a little whisp of blond hair in an IG story of C with her baby. 🤦🏻‍♀️

The Five “Boos,” Baby Fingers, and “Bob”

Oh dear, one of the above ES is imagining that S & C have taken all “5 boos” to the park “on this gorgeous Mother’s Day weekend.” Because it makes so much sense in this day and age, when U.K. families typically only have 1.7 children, that C & S would choose to have 5 kids--despite their incredibly busy careers. Not only that, they would also choose to “hide” all but one of their 5 children. Because that makes soooooo much sense. 🙄

And one of the ES seems to think she can see a resemblance between the baby’s stubby little fingers and S’s. Are they going to compare fist bump photos next? 🖐🏻🤜🏻🤛🏻🤔

I was also told that calling the baby “Bob” is a reference to the belief by some ES that C’s baby was actually an older blond baby that was seen in a Gareth Bromell IG story but then later “disappeared.” The belief was that C’s baby was born earlier than August 2021, perhaps in June or even earlier.🙄

Genetics 101

Apparently, these women have never taken biology-- or they skipped the classes on recessive genes.🤦🏻‍♀️ For those who skipped the classes, here’s a modified chart adapted from Family Education:

Yes, C & T could have a blond baby if they both had recessive blond alleles. And yes, C & S could have a blond baby if C had a recessive blond allele.

So sorry, the fact that C’s baby has blond hair doesn’t prove it is S’s.🤷🏻‍♀️

In addition, if a baby has blond hair it doesn’t mean that they will have blond hair throughout their life. According to Family Education:

“In truth, the genetics of hair color is just a little more complicated than your basic biology class might claim. Hair gets its color from pigment, and the amount of pigment in the hair affects its exact shade. So we are not really looking at completely separate hair color genes, but rather differing amounts of the same kind of pigment: melanin.

“Not only that but the amount of melanin present changes throughout life. A single person may have different color hair at different ages. Generally, we see light hair earlier in life and dark hair towards adulthood.” [emphasis added]

So even if C’s baby is blond today, that doesn’t mean he might not have dark brown hair as an adult. (I know. I was born blonde to my dark brunette parents and over time my hair became dark brown, as did the hair color of my two brothers. Yet, my sister stayed blonde. Genetics is a funny thing.🤷🏻‍♀️)

The “Secret Message” of the Bluebells

But the extreme shippers have another “clue” to fall back on regarding the child’s paternity: the baby is holding “bluebells.”😲

Apparently, bluebells are S’s “favorite flower.”🤷🏻‍♀️

So certain ES believe the bluebells just had to be a “secret message” from S & C to their devoted shippers that suggests S is the “real” father of the baby! 🙄

This kind of “secret message” is straight from the tinhatter playbook “Tinhatting in 5 Easy Steps,” as outlined in an August 2012 ARTICLE by Aja Romano in The Daily Dot. As Romano says:

“When you insist on reading real-life events as supporting your ship preferences, you often have to explain why reality isn’t playing by your rules. This almost always leads to conspiracy theories, and inevitably, across all fandoms, these conspiracy theories always look the same.” [emphasis added]

In a Feb. 2017 POST on my CO blog, I modified the language Aja Romano used in her “Tinhatting in 5 Easy Steps,” so it could apply to heterosexual ships (since the ships it originally applied to were homosexual tinhat ships). Below is my more “generic” version of tinhat belief #5:

“Until such time as the reveal happens, your ‘One True Pairing’ (OTP) will be sending ‘secret messages to each other’ and their devoted fans, and/or they may rebel in other ways against the directives of ‘The Powers That Be’ (TPTB), in order to demonstrate that their ‘love’ can endure, despite their being forced to ‘hide’ it.”

The shippers perceiving the bluebells as a “secret message” from S & C is pure tinhatting. These poor women don’t seem to realize what they are doing.

But you had better believe that a few years from now, when it is very clear that S & C are not a couple and that C is married to T (who is the father of their one child), these very same shippers will be howling that S & C “led them on” by putting things like “bluebells” in pictures.🤦🏻‍♀️

Nope. After the IFH, the C & T engagement, the C & T marriage and the C & T MC, the only people who are leading extreme shippers on are their leaders--and sadly, themselves.

[edited]

#sc debunk #extreme shipping #outlander fandom #tinhatting

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udo0stories · 13 days

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Never be afraid of shadows. They just indicate that there is a light shining in the area." Renkel, Ruth E. I believed I had a serious problem before I began to heal from my anxiety. Every panic attack, every dreadful morning, and every social gathering I would psychologically brace myself for made me feel as though I lacked something that no one else possessed. When I worked as a grocery store cashier, I avoided socializing with customers twenty-four hours prior to my shift. Yes. That implies that I would not spend Friday afternoon and evening with anyone if I worked on Saturday morning. Why? I had to get myself "ready" for my grocery store entry-level job. I felt like everyone was watching to see if I could go an hour without smiling, and I had to "make sure I felt okay." I was harshly critical of myself and believed that I was worthless to the world if I was not filled with optimism. Additionally, if I did not radiate confidence at all times, people would assume I was not good enough. Upon embarking on my quest to overcome my anxiety, I discovered several life experiences that had significantly impacted my inner world. One of them happened at a dance competition in which I participated when I was younger. I joined a Bhangra group when I was around ten years old. Bhangra is a kind of folk dance that has its roots in Punjab, India. When you see a performance of bhangra, you can tell that the dancers are exuberant and smiling broadly. Bhangra is a very energetic dance form. This is a crucial portion of the show since you want the audience to enjoy themselves, so you need to bring this much energy to the stage. My group had just finished a performance at one of my dance competitions, and the judges were prepared to give their piece. All of the judges were very complimentary, with the exception of one who chose to draw attention to a weakness in my own portion of the performance. "You," he said, pointing to me, younger Raman, "did not seem to be smiling so wide. Everyone did such an amazing job and were smiling so big and having fun," he said. Why did that occur?" My heart stopped as a ten-year-old because every single eye in that auditorium was staring at me. To be honest, I do not think I said much in response, but I cannot quite recall what I said. It was "chill," as best I could. It was probably just a shrug and an "I do not know" as my soul slowly poured out of me in embarrassment before my dance group and I eventually left the stage. We were enjoying ourselves during this dance competition because we were young. We were not even attempting to impress the judges, much less win a national championship. The criticism from that one judge ended up lowering my spirits, even though we did wind up winning a prize. It really affected me to be the one singled out among the group. Our minds may not know why we might grow older with certain fears and anxieties, but the child who went through that suffering is still a part of us. Additionally, the judge from a dance competition takes on the role of an inner judge who assesses us prior to a cashier shift. "Grow your smile!" he exclaims. Both the little and the large painful moments are what stay with us. Even though, as adults, we might think, "Oh, it was just one thing someone said; that is not a big deal," to that little child, it certainly was. It is very significant! This brings me to the first misconception about anxiety that we have: that there is a problem with us. There is nothing wrong with you if anxiety of any kind has ever occurred to you. Your internal system is, in fact, operating precisely as intended! We develop an inner judge to "fix" what went wrong (in this case, not smiling big enough at the dance performance) in order to hopefully prevent having someone criticize us from the outside (at work) and avert a potential future "threat" (in this case, the embarrassment from the judge in my story). Our inner world functions strangely, but it does its duty. It is true that

if you mentally prepare yourself for a big smile at work for twenty-four hours prior to a work shift, you will probably smile big at work, and no one will criticize you for being a downer. You no longer have the energy to give it your all when things start to get really tough. When your inner critic makes you feel inadequate, it gets particularly difficult. It’s usually around this time that people start looking for some help, because even though their inner world is doing its job, it becomes exhausting to keep up with it. This brings me to the second misconception about anxiety, which is that it is a lifelong condition. Many people think that a label you receive from someone has to stick with you for the rest of your life. Not me, though. For example, I made the decision to change my anxiety for the better and to take the necessary steps to treat it when my doctor diagnosed me with moderate generalized anxiety disorder. There is no need to "cope" with anxiety. A young woman who was one of my clients recently exclaimed, "Oh, yay, another coping mechanism!" when I suggested a tool. Even though she was eager to try something new, I had to be honest with her and tell her that she could change her anxiety rather than just learn to live with it. Recognizing the dominant thoughts in your mind is the first step towards changing your fears. Frequently, the anxiety is brought on by overly critical thoughts. We can then inquire as to the source of these thoughts once we become conscious of them. You have a backstory for your anxiety, just as I do! Although there are frequently multiple origin stories—a collection of origin stories—it is helpful to begin with one. You will shift more the more willing you are to change and the more open you are to healing through your story. You do not have to live your life in constant control of your anxiety. It can even function as a passenger. This brings us to the third and last myth concerning anxiety: the idea that healing requires constant tranquility and the total absence of anxiety. The truth is that anxiety has occasionally surfaced during my six years of recovery. I spent weeks being a nervous wreck when I first started offering workshops. When I am trying something new, I still get nervous, but my reaction is different. The process of healing gives us strength that enables us to act and behave differently in the world. Despite my intense nervousness about taking risks in my career, I found the inner strength to pursue it! That is because my life is no longer driven by anxiety. It turned into a welcomed traveler. The fact is, I do not want to throw her out of the car if her experiences and that inner child are the source of her anxiety. I should make a safe place in my life for that little girl. I greet anxiety when it manifests itself. I talk to her, I journal in her voice, and I reassure her that everything will be alright. I tell her that I will be the one to empower and encourage her, that I am not that judge from that day on. She is free to join me at any time on this journey. And it would be a pleasure if she could travel with me. I am here to reveal to her the full extent of the magic within. I am here to help her recognize the qualities and abilities she possesses that no one else can take away. She is a welcome passenger, and I will steer the vehicle in the direction of our mutual benefit. I have learned to be kinder to myself, to see the person behind their mask, and to be a living example of inner peace as a result of my experience with anxiety and the healing that followed. It is possible that the more trying times in our lives also mold us into the people we were destined to be.

#PersonalDevelopment #Anxiety #Healing #Myths #Popular

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casspurrjoybell-29 · 5 months

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Forging Ties - Chapter 30 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

No. This person couldn't be Nim because Nim was dead.

This guy was older than Nim... or...no, too young because time had passed. Too alive.

His hair was longer than Nim's had been and Nim hadn't ever had facial hair.

Sure, those things could change but no they couldn't because Nim was dead.

This was just someone else, like Yore, who looked like Nim.

Who looked exactly like Nim.

But this man who couldn't be Nim was looking back at Skye and he looked just as stunned as Skye felt.

Why would a stranger look at him like that?

The word escaped Skye's lips as barely more than a whisper.

"Nim?"

Long legs crossed the distance between them in an instant and then arms embraced Skye and he knew it was Nim.

He didn't know how but it was him and he felt real and warm and alive.

Skye wrapped his arms around him and clung.

He didn't know how this was happening but nobody was ever going to take Nim away from him again.

Eventually, Nim pulled back just far enough that he could look Skye in the eyes.

"How did you find me?"

"Ah," Slone said as he rounded the side of the cabin, Yore at his side.

They were both dressed in shorts and nothing else.

"Long story, that. Short of it is that I found him on the other side of the mountains."

"Fuck," Nim whispered. "I never thought..."

"Took me way longer than it should have to put the pieces together," Slone said. "You'd think the name and what he looks like would be enough but nah. I ain't heard the story since I was a kid and sometimes my brain just don't seem to put together what's right in front of me. Got there in the end, though. Guess that's what matters."

"What happened, Skye?" Nim asked. "Where have you been?"

Skye shrugged.

"I forgot most of it."

"That doesn't surprise me."

"I thought you died. I saw..."

Skye shook his head.

His eyes felt damp and his throat was tight.

"You were dead."

"I was," Nim said. "The Fae found me and brought me back."

"Oh," Skye said. "I should have just waited. Everything would have been okay if I'd just waited."

"No, it wouldn't have. It took days. You would have frozen to death if you'd stayed."

"Well, okay but I could have..."

Skye pressed his lips together and shook his head in frustration because he knew he couldn't have done anything but what he did.

He couldn't have seen what he saw and then held himself together long enough to find the others.

"You couldn't have done anything to change what happened, Skye," Nim said, his hands squeezing Skye's arms. "It's not your fault."

Skye nodded but he didn't feel any better.

They could have been together this whole time and everything would have been fine.

"How long have you been yourself? Aware, I mean?"

Skye shrugged.

"A year or two or something. I'm not good at time."

"I thought so," Nim said. "I've looked seventeen for over a hundred years but over the last couple of years, I've started to look a little older. We have a connection."

"So if I just forget, you get to live forever? You only get older if I do?"

"I don't want to live forever, Skye. I want to live the life I've been waiting for all of these years with you."

"You had to wait all this time just because I went the wrong way and forgot. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You see that young man?"

Nim pointed to Yore, and Skye nodded.

"That's my grandson. He's my daughter's son. I've missed you every single day but I wouldn't wish away the people I've brought into this world in the time we were apart. If things had gone differently back then, many things would be different now."

"Oh," Skye said. "Do you have a wife?"

"No, Skye," Nim said. "I'm still gay."

"Well that's very interesting because I know how babies are made, you know."

"Through artificial insemination, in this case."

"Hmm," Skye said. "I don't know what that means."

"It means I give them my sperm and they do the rest without me. It wasn't an intimate relationship. People thought that perhaps me being this un-aging immortal being would make my genetics more powerful but as it turns out they're just powerfully gay."

Skye twisted his lips together in contemplation as he nodded along.

"Is that why you have a beard now?"

"Huh?"

"Because you didn't kiss anyone to make the baby, so they couldn't tell you that it feels bad."

"I take it you don't approve of my facial hair, then?"

"Well..." Skye said. "No."

Nim laughed.

"I can shave. I was just trying not to look like a teenager anymore but it seems like you're the best cure for that."

"Hmm."

Skye hugged Nim's arm against his chest.

"You can have a beard if you want to. I just want you, no matter how bad your face feels against my skin."

"I haven't even kissed you yet. You don't know how it feels."

"No, Nim, you don't understand. Everyone used to have beards. It was the fashion and also maybe good razors didn't exist yet, I'm not sure. I know what beards feel like."

"I'll shave," Nim said as he rubbed the top of Skye's head. "Hey, do you know what happened to Aris?"

"Oh," Skye took a deep breath in.

"Okay, so I had the egg with me when I forgot and then I woke up and I was aware but I didn't remember anything and I didn't have the egg with me then but then I made some friends and one of them did have the egg with him but I didn't remember anything so I was just like, oh, cool, a big sparkly egg, right? And then also you know Rodney, the slime monster? Rodney was there, only everyone calls them Cookie now and it turns out they're full of ghosts. One of the ghosts helped me remember and I was like, oh no, I'm sad. And I was sad a lot. And then I remembered about the egg, so I threw it into a fire, only I didn't tell anybody first why I was doing it so the guy who had it got angry and shouted at me but then the egg hatched and he was like, oh, okay, this makes sense sort of. And... now he has a baby and that baby is Aris."

"Huh," Slone said.

He'd sat down in a swing that hung from a tree and was pushing himself back and forth.

"Y'know, he kinda did cover it all."

"I think I got the gist of it," Nim said. "Is your friend who has Aris here, in town?"

"Uhm..." Skye said. "Yes."

Nim sighed.

"I guess I'll have to go for a trip into town, then."

"Things are better than they were," Yore said. "I know you've felt like there's no place for you for a long time, and I understand why but I think your perspective and your influence right now would be valuable. Skye's too. Werewolves have become too insular. We could do with a reminder that we didn't used to be so insistent on keeping to our own kind."

"Well, I'm going to let Skye decide," Nim said, a little bit of venom creeping into his tone. "I'm not going to put up with him being treated badly. If everyone treats him well enough that he wants to keep going back into town, we'll go. We'll go every day if he wants to."

"I did make some friends," Skye said. "We'll go into town and you can meet my friends."

"I bet they're gonna be so excited for you," Slone said. "Like he said in his story about Aris, he really did only just remember. Everyone's been real sad for him 'cause he was upset about it but we didn't really know what to do."

"I didn't know what to do," Skye said. "I'm glad you just weren't actually dead. Just waiting to stop feeling sad wasn't working. I probably would have had to run off and live in the forest because feeling sad is hard and I don't like doing hard things."

"Well, now you can live in the forest but in a cabin, with me," Nim said.

"I like that way better."

"How about I show you around?"

"Okay."

"Have any of you eaten yet?" Nim asked. "I could make some breakfast, too."

"You show him around and I'll fry some eggs for breakfast," Yore offered. "I know where everything is."

"Okay but don't let Skye's size fool you," Nim said. "He can eat as much as any of us."

"After this, you're gonna hafta come into town," Slone said. "You'll be out of food by the time we're all fed."

"Food is what I sell, not what I buy," Nim said. "We'll be fine on that. I'll go, though. Skye wants me to meet his friends, so... I'll go."

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casspurrjoybell-24 · 9 months

Text

Sugar Punch - Chapter 1

*Warning Adult Content*

- Theo -

I stuck out like a sore thumb the moment I stepped inside the gym.

The atmosphere inside was just as crazy as I thought it would be, left and right and in front of me were men and women working out like their life depended on it, whether it be running super-fast on the treadmill or lifting weights that would crush me, I couldn't help but feel out of place here.

Maybe I picked the wrong gym?

Everybody here was seriously in shape and everyone looked beautiful and perfect in every way, the women were way out of my league and the men made me feel insecure just by looking at them, tall and muscular.

I felt like an idiot, wearing a Warcraft t-shirt and the only shorts I owned, that were bright red and very noticeable in a room full of people wearing dark gym clothes.

If I left now nobody would even know I stepped inside, like me coming here today never happened.

Turning around, my hand on the door handle, I feel someone grab my shoulder making me freeze and pale once I turn around to see who it was.

Freaking huge.

"Hey kid, you the new guy?" a man asked, sporting a huge white beard, with arms the size of my head.

I didn't know what to do so I nodded my head sheepishly, making the bigger older man grin and put his arm around my shoulder, dragging me away from the exit and more into the gym.

"Perfect, you came at just the right time kid," he said as I started sweating from just how heavy his arm was over my shoulder. "Let's get you fixed up with a locker and I'll show you the equipment."

"You signed for a trainer, yeah?" he asked and I nodded my head.

"You're lucky then because I just got an opening with one of my best guys, these bitches would love for this spot but it's all yours kid, if you want it," he said as he led me through the people working out, their eyes looking at us momentarily as we passed.

I felt like everyone was looking at us and they probably were, this guy spoke too freaking loud and I probably looked like a skinny bag of bones next to this muscular man who probably worked out every single day.

"Um, do I start today?" I ask nervously, as the man moves his hand from my shoulder and comes behind the front desk to grab something.

He looks at me and grins.

"If you want to, the first lesson is always free on us."

Wait, the first lesson was free?

I didn't know that but lucky me because I wasn't planning on spending so much money.

I felt a little better about coming knowing I had money for the bus back home and didn't have to walk over an hour.

"I'm Rick by the way, I own this place and if you need anything, just shout and I got you kid," Rick said, handing me a locker key with the number 13 on it, as I nodded my head.

"Oh, thanks and it's Theodore but just Theo is fine," I said sheepishly as he nodded his head once and then signalled for me to follow him with two fingers.

Rick showed me the locker room where I put my bag inside and then he showed me where everything was, this place was huge and had everything you could possibly need.

It had a sauna, showers and a pool, not only did it have three floors of equipment but it also had a basement where they teach kickboxing and other combat sports, also defensive lessons which I really wanted to take.

After Rick showed me the basic equipment for what I wanted to start on, the weight machines looked the easiest then everything else, I already did enough cardio running from the football team at school, I didn't want to do it in the gym.

"That's it Theo, you got any questions before I leave you?" Rick asks as we stop near the stairs.

I was starting to get nervous, I was seconds away from my private one on one training with someone and the more I stayed here the more I just wanted to go home, I felt so out of my depth around everything.

"No, I think I got it..." I said looking around nervously before I looked at the large man in front of me.

"Mads is just down there, he should be finishing up so just head on down," he said as he nodded down the stairs, where the words 'underground' was labelled above the double doors leading to the basement.

I got chills just looking at the doors, I had to wonder if I could really do this, I didn't know anything about fighting other than how to take a punch.

Was I making a huge mistake?

"Right, I got you Tuesday for defensive lessons so I will see you then Theo," Rick said before walking away, leaving me stood there frozen.

Rick's teaching me defence?

That guy?

I'm really going to die if he gets me in a chokehold, there's just no way I can survive... but I was looking forward to learning something that would at least help me.

Carefully, I started walking down the steps and the closer I got to the door the more I heard the sounds coming from inside the basement room, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

But I had a sneaky suspicion I was about to find out and regret it.

Should I knock?

Would they even hear me?

"Ugh," I groan out and shake it off, before I grabbed hold of the steel handle and push it, only to realise it was a pull door.

Luckily nobody was around to witness how lame I was as I pulled the door open and took a quick peek inside before walking in nervously.

There was a large ring inside the room and punching bags on the right side with other equipment I didn't recognise on the left and some I did recognise but what made me the most nervous was the two men in their own world as they fought inside the ring.

I slowly walked over to the ring and watched as the two men fought, what they were doing was something I only saw in you tube videos, using moves I could never name or do but they did it effortlessly.

Suddenly a bell rung out and made me jump into the air, the two fighters stopped and then started taking off their helmets.

"Nice footwork but your punch is still shit, you need to fix that before Friday unless you want to get your ass handed to you," one man said, with tattoos all over his arms and legs.

"You're just too fucking fast," the darker man grunts out, making the tattooed man grin smugly before turning around.

I froze the moment his eyes met mine but unlike me he didn't look surprised to see me as I was to see him because I knew exactly who he was from TV.

My dad would turn the TV on and force me to watch the sport channel with him and there was always one sport in particular he made me watch and that was kickboxing and that is exactly how I know who he is.

Maddox Zane, a champion kickboxer.

"I'll see you next week Mads," the other guy said, stepping down from the ring and walking past me, giving me a nod before he picks up his bag and head for the exit.

I swallow hard and go over to where the steps were and where Maddox was, my nerves high with each step, knowing that my personal trainer is someone famous and a legend in the world of kickboxing.

"I'm Theodore Banks... I was told by Rick y-you had an opening..." I said nervously, hating myself for stuttering in front of him.

His eyes snap to mine as he looks me over from head to toe, making my hands sweat once his eyes land on the shirt I was wearing, before his eyes went back to mine.

"Maddox Zane. You're not exactly dressed for training," he said as I laughed nervously, rubbing my arm.

"I-I didn't know I was going to train today so..." I said lamely as he sighed, then stepped down from the ring.

"Do you have any kickboxing experience?" he asked, going over to a bench where a bottle of water was.

Oh, I had experience with fighting but I was always on the receiving end... but I'm not going to say that I probably look pathetic with just standing here without saying the truth.

"Not really..."

I watch him as he wiped his face with a towel and then took a drink from his bottled water before coming over to me and grabbing hold of my arm, making me freeze once his larger and warm hand wraps around my wrist.

"You're too skinny, what's your diet like?" he asks, letting go of my arm.

"I... don't really have one."

He simply gave me a look before signalling for me to follow him to where a bench and a table was inside a room, behind the ring, it looked like it was his office as I noticed photos of him from being a professional kickboxer.

"Let's get you on a regime and then we can do something about you gaining some meat on your bones," he said as I nodded my head nervously stood and watched him grab something from inside his table.

"Here," he hands me a card with his name and number on it.

Why was he giving me this?

"I give that to all my clients, that number is for you to tell me if you're going to be late or not showing up at all, I'm a busy guy so I don't have time for bullshit, understand?" he said tightly as I nodded my head and put the card in my short pockets.

"How old are you?" he asks, looking me over as he stands next to me.

"Eighteen." I say, frowning as he looks me over again.

Why did he need to know how old I was?

"Follow me," he said, before moving past me and then started walking towards the front of the room where there were a few lockers.

"I have some stuff that might fit you, you can have those until you get your own gear," he said as he opened a locker and handed me a bunch of clothes.

I felt overwhelmed with everything, he kept handing me things before he turned and then stared at my feet and for some reason, whenever he looked at me, I felt weird and it wasn't because he was famous but because he was intimidating to look at.

He was probably the most good-looking guy I've seen, the guys on the football team would instantly kick my ass for saying so, probably call me gay for comparing their looks but screw them.

Maddox was a guy who got any woman he wanted, he was tall, good-looking and in shape, really in shape, I don't think I'd ever reach his level of manhood, I was just a twig compared to his guy.

"Let's go over days I can see you and then we'll work out your routine and diet plan."

I followed him back to his office but before he passed me again, I didn't miss the way he looked at my face or should I say my nose, as it still was newly bruised with tape over it, obvious it was caused by someone.

Unlike other people though, he didn't look at me with pity, he didn't say a word about it and kept professional, only then did I start to feel like this wasn't a mistake and probably one of the best decision's I have ever made.

Not only do I have a private trainer but I joined the gym, I should be proud of myself... but I knew the moment Maddox started talking about food intake and training, I couldn't help but feel pathetic.

I didn't stay in shape and I ate whatever was simply in the fridge, nor did I know anything about any sports, only when I watched kickboxing with my dad.

Something told me that Maddox didn't judge me, if anything I got the feeling, Maddox wanted to help me, so I'm going to put my faith in him.

I'm going to try my best, failing this wasn't an option.

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