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throwawayfish · 3 years

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𝐉𝐉 𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐱 𝐊𝐨𝐨𝐤!𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 (𝐀𝐔)

summary: being born a kook has it’s benefits, the line that’s separates the island, preventing you from seeing beyond it isn’t one of them. especially when someone starts sending you letters and you have no idea who they are.

warnings: fluff, language, angst, mentions of cheating, typos, slight pov change but not too noticeable, kinda long

a/n: this is a story in my drafts that i’ve had for a long time, so i decided to publish it as i’m trying to finish the last bit of the series i’m working on. gifs used are mine unless otherwise noted.

comment on my main masterlist if you want to be added to my taglist! ♡

there it is again, the pretend service road that you always stare blankly at. an upset feeling slowly spreading across your insides every time you wander around the area.

it wasn’t because you didn’t want to be at that place, but because you knew that once you step past that line, there is a whole other world than what you’re used to, and you can’t help but want nothing more than to see it for yourself. because you know that the people from the other side can see your world.

ever since you were a kid, along with the others your age whose parents rule the upper class side of the island, you were always told that monsters live on the cut. that the reason why only a long service road was visible was because fairies were protecting you from seeing the monsters trying to break the barrier to your side, the “good” side.

as time went by those beliefs faded, realizing that you weren’t exactly living a disney life, that your happiness was limited despite it being shown off to the people you once had no idea existed.

it all started when your best friend sarah crossed, leaving you behind without any explanation besides being sick of being a kook. you were left to handle the expectations both your families had, including the responsibility of maintaining the name of your family, the camerons and thorntons.

you wished for her to come back, hoping that there was a chance for her return to figure eight though you were well aware that when one crosses, they can never go back. waiting every day at the exact time and place ever since she crossed, not caring if people from the other side are watching you sit there and look lost.

and that’s the thing you never knew, before rafe cameron decided to mock you when he saw you sitting down on the gravel, telling you that the people from the cut can see everything from their perspective.

it was a friday night, meaning that you once again ventured to the barrier to wait for your friend to make an appearance, even though you know it was not possible. the warm hues of the sun deeply tainting the horizon as the area farthest from it were the first to be as dark as the depths of the ocean.

after a few minutes of waiting, you decided that you were no longer going to wait for sarah. though hesitant, you slowly tried to accept that it was impossible for her to come back. you just settled at the thought that she’s happy where she is now, enjoying her life all day with salt water in her hair and the warmth of the sun in her cheeks.

sarah knew you always waited at the place that prompted her new life. so when she knew you were there, she goes, just to see you again. even though what she always sees is a sulking girl waiting for her best friend to come back.

people from the cut who passes by the border always asks her questions about who you were. overtime getting used to watching you blankly stare at them because they knew you could never get a glimpse behind the line.

sarah’s decision to cross was impulsive and rushed as she didn’t bid any goodbyes. knowing that once she did, she would change her mind once she realizes that she’s leaving you. so without another word, she stepped over.

she initially felt unwelcomed, to say the least. not having anyone to talk to and a place to stay, she ended up at the wreck from her long journey to get through the night.

the cut was not what she expected. to be frankly honest, it was better than what the older people from the eight described. it wasn’t gloomy, eerie or sinister. it was normal. sure it is daunting to be in a whole other world alone as a teenager, but seeing people go in and out of the restaurant, teens her age laugh as they walk the humid streets with their friends, she came to a conclusion that this is something she can get used to. because there was life on the cut, more life than the comfortable one that was handed to them on the eight.

the bell rang as a group of boys around her age entered. the blonde one shouting throughout the place, causing a beautiful brunette girl to come out from the back room to scold the boy.

she laughed at their antics, the tallest boy in the group making her heart skip a beat as they made eye contact.

that was the start of her being a part of the ‘pogues’. somewhat immediately being accepted into their friendship if it weren’t for the unwelcoming energy of the blonde boy.

it was a day after a hurricane when they all decided to go out to the marsh. the five of them spending their day under the sun, stomachs filled with chips and beer in courtesy of kie.

that was until they found a sunken boat which caused them to be their usual curious selves and end up in a motel. putting on their detective masks and ventured the island trying to gather any information they can get.

night time came and they were hanging out by the dock at the chateau, sharing their second batch of canned beers while discussing their futures.

when time came for sarah’s turn, she stood up, hastily bidding her goodbye and apology saying she needs to hurry. the rest watched her figure disappear in the distance. still surprised at the usual agenda of the girl, which they should’ve gotten used to by now.

it was silent for awhile when the blonde decided to break it, knowing that none of them have the courage to address the elephant in the room.

“she’s cheating on you. i hate to say it, she is.” kie widened her eyes at him, passing on the message that he needed to stop, it didn’t faze him though.

“it’s been ongoing since we met her. i don’t even understand why she’s part of this group. i get it you’re dating her but-” “jj!” kie yelled at him this time, pope shaking his head making it known that he was siding with kiara on this one.

“every friday night she leaves us no matter what we’re doing. same time as always. this is not some essay comprehension shit we do in school. even three year olds can get an idea of what’s going on here” he said as he played with his lighter

“why does it matter? she might have stuff to do that she doesn’t want us to know. let’s just respect her privacy.” pope commented, john b nodding in agreement

“kooks bro. they just don’t sit right with me.” he muttered as he chugged down the last bit of beer. “as far as i know sarah left figure eight to have a new life. just by that you can tell she’s different.” john b once again defended his girlfriend

“if she’s not meeting some other guy i think she’s just rebelling. sooner or later she’ll get sick of us and go crawling back to the border til she realizes she cannot cross back.”

kiara sighed, over the petty argument her friend started “i think that’s enough, jj”

one by one they all started to gather their stuff and go back to the chateau, but jj had different plans as he lied saying he was going to go for a walk, to wind down from their busy day. him being him, the pogues let him go

jj looked at the places where the blonde lass might be, growing up on the cut and having no choice but to stay there, he practically has the south side memorized like the back of his hand.

kooks in general made his stomach churn, the term itself pissing him off just by hearing it. the main reason though was because he was mad.

he was mad that they were the ones to receive all blows and brags of the rich. when people from there get sick of their cookie cutter life, they cross. having another chance to change their routine. but when it came to them, there was no other way. no matter how rich you get on the cut, you stay on the cut. be the richest of the poor.

the cold yet sultry late summer weather accompanied him on his walk on kildare’s dark streets. turning every corner he thought sarah might be. after a few disappointments, he heard rattling from a bike’s chain. and there was his target, seemingly cautious as to whom was around her.

jj didn’t want to snoop around. he knew it wasn’t his business to know every decision the girl makes. but he wanted to protect his best friend whether his suspicions were true or not.

“go home!” she heard the girl shout. he decided to hide behind the tree, not knowing why sarah was crying. when he decided to peek, she found her sitting on the cold stone ground, matching the position of the girl from the other side of the bright line. who, for a moment, made him forget she was a kook as the girl sent butterflies to his stomach.

“i know you can’t hear me, but i’m sorry for leaving. but you also can’t let me be guilty for choosing my happiness.”

she stood up, getting on her bike and leaving the unknowing girl who remained in her place.

now he had an idea as to why the new member of their group was always leaving. when he was sure that she was gone, he slowly approached the girl. looking down at her and watched her expressions.

he knew it was a creepy thing to do, especially since she cannot see him. but he admired her, at first sight, much to his surprise.

soon he noticed the girl standing up, not wanting to lose the chance of communicating with her, he shuffled between his multiple pockets to search for anything to connect to her.

finding a crumpled grocery list that john b once gave him and a pen from he knows where, he wrote a quick message, and threw the paper across, which surprisingly went through being that no one from the cut could ever cross or send something over. it landed just in time, enough to catch her attention before she was far enough.

you stood up from the cold land to get back to your car, the misty wind enveloped your figure. it was rather silent in the area, making it easy for you to turn around to see a crumpled piece of paper drop from thin air.

𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠, 𝚔𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚘𝚢 𝚖𝚎, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚠𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚎 𝚗𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚒𝚜.

you picked it up and looked straight to the vast road, expecting the feeling of emptiness, instead you felt comfort. it wasn’t sarah, because you know her presence by heart, but it’s as if you were tied to the person from the other side. it’s as if you were looking directly in their eyes.

the note contained a lame pickup line that still made you smile. soon enough a pen dropped out of nowhere, and you got the message that they wanted to talk.

not minding his messy writing, you decided to stay and communicate with the person on the other side, you passed the pen and paper back and forth across the border. sitting down once again as you wrote to someone you didn’t know, better yet, cannot see.

jj was the name you got, saying that he can see you. your beautiful face. blood crept up to your cheeks as you read it, smiling at him though the only thing in front of you are rocks and fallen leaves on a long winding road.

the moment you realized that what you’re doing is kinda intense, you’ve been closed off. standing off and passing him the paper containing your farewell.

𝚒𝚝’𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚏𝚞𝚗 𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚓𝚓. 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚒 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎. 𝚒 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚜𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚞𝚍𝚎 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚎𝚙𝚢 𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚖𝚢 𝚊𝚐𝚎.

he didn’t know what to do for a moment, not wanting to lose the chance of not seeing you again, so he took the last chance he could get to stop you from leaving.

he scrambled as he tried to quickly write in the crumpled sheet, throwing it across as he keenly watched your expression. and with that he knew he did something that could either make or break you being comfortable in talking to him.

𝚒’𝚖 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚜𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚑

the note made your heart drop and at the same time jump with gaiety. you knew that through him, you could reconnect with your best friend again. but jealousy was creeping behind your mind as you realized that he gets to see her while you can’t.

𝚕𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞

it took a minute for the paper to come back that you thought he just left you hanging, but quite a long message came back.

𝚜𝚑𝚎’𝚜 𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚢 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚓𝚘𝚑𝚗 𝚋. 𝚒 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚗 𝚑𝚒𝚖 𝚜𝚘 𝚒 𝚍𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚑𝚎𝚛. 𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚜𝚑𝚎’𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞. 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞.

you smiled, colliding the paper with the tip of the pen once again.

𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝’𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠.

you looked down at your lap while fiddling with your fingertips. for a moment, crossing slipped through your mind as you stared at the letter. however images of your family and so called friends replaced it immediately. the expectations that you need to fulfill and the reputation you need to maintain.

𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝’𝚜 𝚘𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍?

you looked up as you heard the materials once again land in front of you. a promising message that comforted you. you stood up as you passed the note back, running away as you hastily went back to your house.

𝚖𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚖𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚊𝚝 𝚖𝚒𝚍𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝.

you grabbed a duffel bag as you fit in as much clothes as you can. putting in the glass jar that you filled with spare change and extra allowance over the years.

it was a life changing decision, you knew that. it will never be the same again once you enter a whole different life. these were your thoughts yet you still continued packing, hurrying and trying to be as quiet as possible.

as you finished, you gave one last look into your still fully furnished room that nonetheless felt empty. you shook off your hesitation as you turned around and went through the back door of your quiet estate.

jj was ten minutes early, not wanting to let you be alone in your arrival, he wasn’t even sure if you’re planning to cross, but he wanted to see you, it doesn’t matter what you’re plotting.

you neared the line, standing in front of it as you looked blankly in front of you. second guessing whether you wanted to continue what you we’re planning to.

it was silent in the area, only cicadas being heard as the moon shined bright, illuminating the streets, it rained a bit on your way back, now the the gravel was soaking up every last bit of raindrop that touched it.

you weren’t sure if the boy was there waiting for you, but a shark tooth necklace dropped at the bottom of your feet, giving you the assurance that he was in fact there, ready to be a witness of your breakthrough.

the life you were leaving behind entered your headspace once again, but the welcoming presence of the boy kept you grounded as your mind clouded with thoughts, and at that moment you knew you’re in good hands.

so you crossed.

and there wasn’t even an ounce of regret as you were met with solace, caused by a pair of cerulean eyes that studied your features, and you couldn’t help but do the same. his crooked teeth complimented his perfect smile. mirroring his stance and facial expressions, you dropped your bag and gave him a smile that radiated appreciation.

“hi.” he whispered, his voice raspy as nervousness enveloped him.

you giggled, putting your hand out “i believe this belong to you.” electricity flowing through both your fingertips as it slightly brushed. he grabbed your duffel bag as he motioned his head towards the new place you’re gonna soon call home.

“i would love to get to know you, the pogues would think that as well, but i know you’re dying to see sarah. let’s get you to your best friend.”

hope you guys liked this one! wishing this compensates for the wait of my series ‘The Definitely’s Maybe’’s final chapter. stay tuned for that.

tell me if you wanna be tagged/removed in future posts or have it be updated as i cannot tag some of you! have a great day! ♡

@sunsetholland @bibliophilewednesday @drewswannabegirl @omgitzbillie @sexualparkour @spencereidbasis @spilledtee @ifilwtmfc @maybebanks @obx-snippets @glux64 @rae131415 @pink-meringues @jeyramarie @lust-for-pan @k-roleplay20 @prejudic3 @rafeyybabyy @mj-20182 @makrenee @hoodpankow @softtfordrew @diverrdown @obxhstyles @suicidexdarkness @edyn-nicole @weasleyswizarding-wheezes

#outerbanks #jj maybank #jj maybank obx #jj maybank x reader #obx #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank fic #jj maybank x y/n #obx imagine #jj maybank fluff #jj x reader #outerbanks masterlist #rudy pankow

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turtle-steverogers · 4 years

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I Watched TWS for the Millionth Time So Let’s Over-Analyze This Shit

-TFA theme at the beginning 🥰 (that theme is so fuckin good)

-Sam’s lil jogging route around the Tidal Basin/Mall

-Steve being sassy , just as a general

-Steve’s sadness errands

-Sam relating to Steve on the soldier front and making him feel seen

-Just. Sam Wilson

-The way that Steve’s to-do list in the movie varies from country to country (For instance, the UK list has Sherlock instead of I Love Lucy and The Beatles)

-Also I wanna know Steve’s thai order

-The fact that this whole exchange is happening at 6:39 am

-Natasha drives with all the recklessness of a 16 year old that just got their license

-Stealth Suit Stealth Suit

-Steve deflecting Nat’s date suggestions

-Steve’s aversion for parachutes...reckless endangerment ✨

-Steve speaking/understanding at least a little french

-Tony having designed the Helicarriers to have arc reactor power instead of turbines because “he got a close up look at the turbines” in The Avengers 2012 when he got caught in them

-“This isnt freedom, this is fear” aka the embodiment of Steve’s character

-Steve’s exhibit being in the Air and Space museum even tho he flew a plane once and crashed it

-Bucky’s display having two different birth years (1916 and 1917. the correct one is 1917)

-In the little video of Steve and Bucky, Sebastian Stan was saying “We *are* friends” after the director told them to “act like friends” for that shot

-Steve acknowledging Peggy’s family and therefore acknowledging that their relationship with each other, while still close and special, is not romantic anymore and Peggy telling Steve to move on and start over wtf endgame

-The parallel of Peggy losing her memory as Bucky regains his

-Sam Wilson willing to show vulnerability and not being ashamed of his PTSD and treating Steve like any other attendee and hoping Steve will open up too if he sees that it’s okay to

-Steve’s face after “it was like I was up there just to watch” cuz he gets it and both sam and him had to watch their other half fall

-“What makes you happy?” “I don’t know”

-The Winter Soldier theme is just Bucky’s scream pitched different and made to sound mechanical because Henry Jackman wanted it to sound like a man trapped in a machine

-Why is Steve a lucky bastard that has his own laundry machine

-Steve leaving his apartment building after Sharon points out the music and then SCALING THE SIDE OF HIS OWN BUILDING AND CLIMBING IN THROUGH HIS WINDOW LIKE CAN YOU IMAGINE SEEING CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST CLIMBING INTO HIS APARTMENT THROUGH HIS WINDOW ONE NIGHT

-STEVE’s APARTMENT I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS (i might make a separate post on that)

-The fact that “A Long, Long Time” is playing when he sees Bucky for the first time in the future and the song is about lovers reuniting after the war i’m not saying it’s gay but i am

-He calls Fury “Nick” which really indicates theyre not close in the slightest

-Steve is excellent in adapting under pressure (him immediately catching on and using Fury’s code story: “who else knows about your wife?”)

-Steve is Awful at lying but hes also Excellent at lying

-How tf did Steve get the flash drive in the vending machine without the vending machine dude noticing i-

-“Captain Rogers” “Neighbor >:(“ petty little shit

-Steve’s observation skills are A+++++ as we can see in the elevator scene

-More reckless endangerment like imagine just going through your work day and captain america falls through the ceiling

-Steve stole someones gym clothes after escaping SHIELD. let that sink in

-Natasha has about a billion masks on at all times (“I only act like i know everything, rogers” “the person that programmed this was slightly smarter than me. slightly” “the truth isn’t all things to all people all of the time”) also she’s quite insecure, especially when it comes to being perceived as a good, trustable person

-Meanwhile, Steve’s consistently himself even if it costs him

-Bucky trained Natasha in the Red Room (at least in the comics) so theres a good chance she made the connection between him and Steve and withheld that information

-The honeymoon in New Jersey😭😭

-Steve and Nat both have very different, but entirely valid approaches to situations: Steve’s is that of a tactiction, Nat’s is that of a spy’s. We see this in the scene at Pentagon City Mall

-Steve’s looking for someone with shared life experience and bucky has that

-Bucky killed JFK

-When Zola tells him that his death and life both amount to that of a zero sum, he punches the screen with his bare fist, not his shield, indicating just how much that upset him

-Pierce offers Bucky milk cuz he knows “the asset” can’t refuse or accept offers. He’s taunting him

-Sam drinks orange juice straight from the bottle and also doesnt refrigerate his mustard. There’s also a baseball trophy in his apartment so,,,,, baseball player sam anyone?

-Sam is also a gem who immediately helps out Steve and Nat with no judgement in his tone so they don’t feel ashamed

-Nat straightened her hair somewhere in Sam’s house

-“Cuz thats really not your style, Rogers” “you’re right, it’s not” *rubs sitwell’s arm* “it’s hers”

-Steve and Nat banter Steve and Nat banter

-Sam is just *clenches fist* so cool

-Nat immediately knows where Bucky’s gonna shoot when he lands on the Sam’s car and later she knows how to affectively fight him best because he trained her so she knows his fighting style

-Steve alone saying “Bucky?” was enough to break Bucky’s conditioning the slightest bit

-Sam met Steve like 36 hours ago and he’s already being arrested and made into a government fugitive with him and it won’t be the last time

-Steve is the only one entirely restrained

-“Even when I had nothing I had Bucky”

-Everyone meets Sam and is just like “aight let’s trust him with the highest clearance security information”

-Steve looks super nauseous all through the scene where Rumlow is handcuffing him and later when he says, “he looked right at me, like he didn’t even know me” he sounds sick and choked up

-Steve carries a lot of weight on his shoulders

-Steve’s “Bucky?” after the highway battle and Steve’s “Bucky?” in Bucky’s memory in the Vault Scene being different (in Bucky’s memory, he looks more heartbroken)

-Sebastian’s acting. Just all of it. And the way Bucky just opens his mouth for the mouth guard before he gets wiped....heartbreaking

-Steve realizes an organization that was meant to protect the people has become its own antithesis so hes like “aight. get rid of it” damn that’s the right mindset right there

-In the memory scene after Sarah’s funeral, Steve is so out of it and distressed, that he can’t find his key but Bucky immediately knows exactly where it is and what he’s lookin for

-Bucky was vain as shit and also had money: tailored suit, hair w shit ton of brylcreem in it

-The big breakfast Steve had was at Sam’s house

-The whole scene on the helicarrier between Steve and Bucky is incredible here are some highlights: Steve never backing down from a fight until it’s Bucky he’s fighting, Steve dropping the shield for him, Steve being ready to die if living means he’s living in a world where Bucky’s alive and doesnt remember him

-Their acting in that scene is so genuine and heartbreaking i can’t- i can’t-

-Steve’s got a comm i’m so chances are Nat, Sam and Maria can hear a portion of what’s going down on the helicarriers

-“I’m with ya to the end of the line” is basically “til death do us part” so the equivalent of wedding vows between Bucky and Steve is what ultimately broke Bucky’s conditioning

-When bucky fell, steve didn’t jump after him but when Steve fell, bucky went after him even tho he’s brainwashed. don’t think about steve’s guilt surrounding that. youll only get sad

-Bucky waited until Steve took a breath to leave him

-Sam waited by Steve’s side in the hospital

-In the end credit scene, Bucky and Steve originally were supposed to make eye contact, but the writers didn’t want it established that Bucky remembered Steve until CW

----

Every time I watch it from here on out, I’m gonna add a lil more as I notice hehehe

#ca:tws #captain america #the winter soldier #Steve Rogers #stucky #natasha romanov #Bucky Barnes #sam wilson #marvel #marvel shit

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mhafiction · 4 years

Text

Sparks Fly!

Pairing: Denki Kaminari x Reader

Fluff

Synopsis: Denki has feelings for his childhood friend, and the concept scares him for a moment.

Note: I fear that this is quite ooc...but it was sitting in my drafts, and since his birthday was coming up, I thought it would be nice to break up all the Bakugo fics I’ve been writing. Happy late birthday, Pikachu! (Also i’m sorry the title really has nothing to do with the fic I just like electric puns jdkdjjdk)-K.

Denki Kaminari has no clue how to navigate romance.

Was he quick with a joke? Sure. A bit of a flirt? Definitely.

But when it came to love— actual love, that made his heart stutter and his stomach erupt with butterflies— he was some hopeless case.

Denki likes to consider himself a romantic. He really does. But he can’t help but wonder if someone would actually like him. People just view him as a class clown, or at the most, a fling. Not someone who’d actually be right for a relationship. Hell, he doesn’t know if he’s right for a relationship. So realistically, he’s a bit of a cynic. Or just jaded.

You’re his childhood friend. You knew all that. You knew almost everything about him. You knew he cared more than he let on, you knew that he used jokes because he liked making people smile, and you knew that he wasn’t the most confident.

But for some unknown reason, you didn’t notice his crippling crush on you.

He tried to move past it. Talk to girls, even go on a couple dates, but all the while he only thought about you. Denki tells himself to smother his feelings silently, making sure that one day he’ll look back and laugh at a stupid childhood crush he had when he didn’t know any better.

But every time you smile at him, he’s feelings grow more intense by tenfold. When you grab his hand or lean over his shoulder, he can’t help but feel kind of nervous. UA had separated you two- he was in the hero course, you in support. While he told himself to take advantage of the fact that he couldn’t see you every day, Denki couldn’t help but drop by after class to chat while you worked on your latest project. Which was terrible for his heart, seeing you so passionate and engrossed in your what you were doing. It was so adorable. And he hated himself for thinking so.

“How was your day dude?” He flinched, lost in his thoughts, then jolted up with a grin.

“Ehhh, you know.”

You look up from your project, brushing a stray hair out of your face. Even covered in grease and scratches, he still found you attractive.

“Not really,” you teased, sticking out your tongue. “C’mon, the hero course is probably way more interesting than what I’m doing. How’s it feel, now that you’re finally living your dream?” You lean over the workbench that separates the two of you.

Denki toys with some spare parts. “Almost surreal. It’s like- everyone’s quirk is super amazing. I’ll have a lot to live up to.” You beam warmly, flicking down your goggles.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’ve always been the best at making people smile.” You fiddle with some cables, somewhat preoccupied. Your machine starts whirring. “That’s important, for a hero. Plus!” You spring up, dusting your hands off on your pants. “You’ve got a flashy quirk and good looks! You’re sure to be popular!”

Denki flushes, offering up a wide smile. It hurt hearing you say things like that, when he knew you didn’t mean it- well, you didn’t mean it in the way he wanted you to.

“Yeah. Well, I’ve got to go.”

These feelings for you were nothing new. But it was only recently that he had been able to put a name to them. Which was only more torturous, as he kept internally smacking himself whenever the thought of kissing you passed through his head. It used to be so easy to talk to you. The intrepid duo that shared secrets, stayed up late laughing at nothing til your lungs were sore, came up with silly pranks- why was it so difficult now? All this resulted in the guy becoming rather mopey, sighing softly while gazing off into space, a faraway look in his eyes. His trips to your workshop had become less frequent, til they petered out completely for about a week. He thought it might have helped- but as the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Denki found himself staring at your contact number on his phone during the late hours of the night, the white screen illuminating his face. And it wasn’t as if his newfound contemplative nature went unnoticed by his friends.

“So Kaminari, you’re rather...quiet these days,” Mina jabs, slumping down onto the couch. The dorms were quiet, with most out and enjoying their Friday evening. Denki, along with his friends, had opted to mill about in the alliance building. Sero nods with agreement, regarding Mina. “Yeah. I can’t remember the last time you cracked a joke.”

Denki blanches, trying to smile for them. “What? It’s not like that, guys! I’ve just been thinking, lately.”

“Thinking? That’s dangerous.”

“Are you alright, Denki?” Kirishima looks up from his microwaved meal, his mouth full. “You really have been sort of strange.”

Denki laughs. Forcefully. “Guys, I’m fine! It’s nothing serious, I’m the same as ever!” He puffs out his chest, flashing a boyish grin. Though, the reception was lukewarm. The cast each other skeptical looks, determined to proceed with caution.

“You know you can talk to us, dude,” Sero pushes, sincerity in every word. “We’re your friends.”

“I’m fine, guys! Really!”

Bakugo snorts, alerting the others to his presence. He looks up from his phone.

“Would you morons lay off him? He’s probably just thinking of that kid from the support class.”

Mina gasps, her demeanor changing instantly. “Y/N? Your childhood friend?” She claps her hands, grabbing Denki and shaking him violently. “Perhaps some sort of romance?!”

Kirishima laughs. “How cliche!”

Denki feels heat rising to his cheeks, feverishly denying their suggestion. “N-No guys!! I don’t- I’m not-“

They all let out a collective “awwww!” And envelope him into a group hug.

“You’re really serious?!”

“You’re too cute!!”

“Come on now, you can tell us the truth!”

This was too much for him. He sinks into the couch, covering his face with both of his hands and releasing an exhausted groan.

“It’s just that... ugh, I don’t even know where to start!” He throws his arms up in frustration. The others huddle up near him, expressions of unshakable anticipation at his next words. He gulps.

“I don’t want to like them...but I do. A lot.” Denki smiles dreamily, picturing your glowing image. “A whole lot...I really don’t deserve them. Y/N is amazing... talented, and pretty, and passionate- and they’ve always been there for me. I only recently realized my feelings, but they make me kind of... scared.“

Bakugo gags. “Barf.” Kirishima elbows him, turning to Kaminari with a look of surprise and wonder.

“Holy cow, you’re in deep!” Denki snaps out of his stupor, his face going redder.

“I’ll say!” Mina has a sinister sort of look on her face. “Now that’s love.”

“You guys, it’s not like it’s super serious. You know, just a passing crush-“

“It’s not like you to get hung up on someone. All that talk about being scared- I mean, it has to mean something, right? And the way you talk about Y/N...I don’t know Denki, sounds pretty serious to me,” Sero mutters, masking his concern with a few nervous chuckles. Denki rises up from his seat, clenching his jaw and rubbing his neck. “I don’t know guys...I’ve just been really confused lately.” Tension fills the air as he sighs, eyes down. “I think I’m gonna go for a walk.”

“Are you sure...?”

“It’s rather late.”

Denki brushes his hand on the door handle, turning back to attempt another smile. There’s melancholy in it; a heart wrenching conflict. “I’ll be fine. I just need some air.”

These days, you miss him.

Denki had always been your best friend. The shoulder to cry on, your partner in crime. And yet, you hadn’t seen him for what felt like a month.

What happened?

You bite your lip, shivering in the night air. You had noticed Kaminari being a little too distant, like he had outgrown you. In your head, there was never a doubt that he wasn’t the greatest person in your life.

There was no trouble in reading him. Except now. What you would give for just a second in his head...

You look up at the moon, a softly glowing force in the midst of the pitch-black sky. You had been lingering on your way to the dorms, lost in thought. At least you had finished your project. But there was nobody to celebrate with. Well, ideally it would be Denki, but the guy was MIA. Not answering your calls, giving you short texts that ran along the lines of “sorry, I’m busy training.” It felt like you were being left behind. Maybe that’s for the better.

You clutch your shoulders, trying to generate some warmth. You had sworn to yourself years ago that you’d never tell Denki your true feelings, out of fear that you’d hold him back. Those efforts may have been in vain, considering how much time he flirted with people...but nevertheless. Who were you to complicate things? You laugh bitterly to yourself.This is what you wanted, right? For him to succeed without you as a burden...even if that is true, why do I feel so lonely?

You feel some tears prick at your eyes, then allow them to fall in a thick stream. Lucky for you, the campus was deserted this late. Nobody would see you in such a humiliating position.

“Y/N?”

Shit.

Rushing to wipe away your tears, you feel a familiar hand on your shoulder.

Denki turns you to face him, his face shrouded with concern.

“Were you crying?”

You rub at your eyes more, trying to push out a laugh.

“No! Just some allergies.”

Denki slowly wipes away a stray tear, his fingers lingering near your cheekbone. You feel your face going warm.

“You don’t have to lie to me, I know you.”

You offer him a tired sniffle, lightly punching his shoulder. “Ha.”

The two of you slump down on a nearby bench, enjoying the quiet for a moment. In a way, it was almost as if things had never changed.

“...So, do you want to talk about it?”

You flinch. “Not particularly.”

Denki shrugs, shedding his coat and wrapping it around your shoulders. “That’s fine.”

You breathe in his scent, starting to feel apathetically bold. Just come out and say it Y/N.

“Denki, why have you been ignoring me?”

You focus on the ground, never daring to meet his face. Your words are a broken-hearted whisper, and you begin hiccuping through tears again. “It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud, but... I miss you.”

Denki stumbles to hug you, pulling you close to his chest. You feel his heartbeat, as well as a small shudder of tears.

“Y/N... I’m sorry. I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”

You hug him back. “No. I am.”

Suddenly, he laughs, breathing into your hair. “I guess we’re both idiots, huh?”

You pull back, gripping his hand. He sighs, and you notice how tired he looks. “Y/N...I guess I’ve been avoiding you because I like you.” He flushes, a shade so bright it almost glows in the dark night. You blink, somewhat flustered as you watch him look away, just focusing on your hand holding his.

“Denki..”

“I don’t expect you to like me back or anything! We’re childhood friends, so it’s only natural-“

“Denki-“

“And I mean, you have your own life, too. You might not even want to date a hero or-“

“Denki!”

He freezes, finally meeting your gaze. You blush. “We really are idiots, huh?” You murmur, drawing closer to him. “I like you too. I have for... God... Since middle school?” He stutters, eyes wide. “Really?”

“Really.”

He softens, bringing your hand to his lips and kissing it gently. He gives you one of his signature smiles- something you haven’t seen in a long while- and you lean in to kiss him, a sweet and loving peck on the lips, which he doesn’t expect. When you draw back, meeting his eyes, the way they sparkle is truly something to behold.

“Denki?”

“Oh my god.”

“Are you-“

“We kissed!”

“Hah! Yeah, we did.”

“Oh my god.” He grabs your shoulders. “Are we dating?!”

“I- I think so.”

His grin widens, akin to a Cheshire Cat. He gives you a coy wink, suddenly bursting with giddiness and confidence.

“I guess we just have...a spark.”

“...Oh my god.”

“What?”

“How am I attracted to you.”

“Hey!” He pulls you close to him, rubbing your hands to make sure they’re warm. “I don’t know either,” he hums, stroking your head. “But I’m sure lucky you do.”

#bnha #bnha x reader #bnha x y/n #mha #mha x reader #mha x y/n #kaminari denki #denki kaminari imagine #denki kaminari x reader #kaminari denki x reader #denki kaminari #bnha denki #bnba kaminari #kaminari x reader

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nightwitchwriter · 4 years

Text

New Chapter

Happy Halloween! The first and second session is in honor of Samhain, aka All Hallow’s Eve, aka Halloween.

Chapter 4: Samhain

Six more days until Halloween! Woo! If you’re wondering why I’m counting down from six, well in some cultures, six cultures 6 is an unlucky number. Well, if you consider 666, that’s a unlucky number right? Anyway, once Halloween hits, there is going to be a huge party.

I open the doors to school, and take into my surroundings. Halloween decorations can be seen through the hallway and some classrooms. The school celebrates Halloween by letting the students throw a freaky Halloween party, as well as wear costumes on the date. I have no need for a costume, yet I dress for the occasion anyway.

“Really? Orange and black?”

I turned to see Nick staring at my clothes.

“What? They’re traditional Halloween colors. I like them, I wear them.”

“Well, I’m just saying, orange is one of the few bright colors you wear. Especially since…”

“Since I’m a witch? For Pete’s sake, calm down. Witches celebrate Halloween too.”

“No, because you can’t-”

Realizing what he was going to say, I quickly shut him up making the same move Yubaba did on Chihiro in Spirited Away to keep her from talking.

“Mm?!”

“Hey you swore not to say anything outside my house since you signed that contract. You really don’t want to piss me off on Halloween, do you?” I gave him a sly grin.

Shaken, but annoyed, he nodded.

“Good.” I unzipped his mouth, continuing my way as he took a breath.

“You can breathe through your nose, you know.”

“Nicky! Nicky!”

We both turned to see my sister, in her school uniform, running towards us.

“Faye? What are you doing here?” Most of the people here didn’t know I have a sister, much less any family.

“Who’s that?” “Don’t know.” “Will seems to know her.” “Is that her sister?” “I thought she was an only child?” “She’s so cute!” “Are you sure they’re related?”

See what I mean? I groaned. Even without whispering, I could see questions written all over their faces.

Faye grinned from ear to ear, as she took out an orange envelope with black cobweb etchings, and handed it over to Nick.

“I, Faye McCalmont , dubly invites you and your sisters to our upcoming Halloween party. We’ll have tricks, treats and a super scary feat!” she announced as nobly as possible.

Aw, shit. I knew what she was planning, and I am not having this happen.

“Nope.” I stated, taking the envelope out of Nick’s hand.

“Hey!” complained the two children

“Trust me. You do not want to go to this party.”

“And why not?” questioned Nick

“Yeah, why not?” copied Faye

“Because it's not that kind of party.” I growled through my teeth.

“Then I’ll be happy to come, Faye. I’m sure my sisters will be happy too.”

I glared at him, while my sister giggled at his gentlemanly manner.

“It’ll be a pleasure seeing you there, milord.” she answered in an Irish accent.

“Leave.” I growled, pointing the way out.

“Bye-bye!” Faye ran out of the school, before any teachers appeared.

“Yoink!” Nick took the invitation from my hands.

“H-hey! Give that back!” I reached for the invite, but couldn’t grab it.

“Technically, it is mine. So no. your sister did give it to me personally, I may add.” I swear, I know he is mocking me right now.

I reached for the invite again, but even on platform boots, I still couldn’t reach his height. Nick was like, a couple of inches taller than me, but didn’t include his long arms or the fact that he was on his tiptoes.

I was close to grabbing it, when it was taken out of his hand. We both looked to see Heather inspecting the invite.

“Nick, don’t tell me the witch invited you to her party? Don’t you know that if you follow a witch to her home, she’ll eat you?”

Oh, for God’s sake.

“For your information, witches don’t do that anymore. That’s been illegal since the 1900s.”

“Illegal?”

“Illegal?!”

Crap. I realized my mistake, and while Heather looked annoyed and confused, Nick was shocked and scared. Good.

“The point is, that witches, rather people in general, don’t do that. Besides, everyone knows that witches throw the best Halloween parties. Not only that my sister gave him the invitation.” I stated

The queen bee smiled. “I heard. The freak has a freak of a sister.”

I struggled to withhold my anger. My mom says that me and my sister have a fairy’s temper.

“I guess, it could be fun.” she continued. “If you see fun as childish.”

Anger continuing to grow.

“I, however, am throwing a mature, scary Halloween party, at an old warehouse my parents managed to rent for two nights. Nick, I’m sure this one will be much more appreciative for that night.”

Oh, God. If you want to sleep with him, just do it already.

“Actually, my mom asked me to take my sister's trick-or-treating on Halloween, since something came up for both my parents. So I’m not sure they’ll appreciate your party. Maybe later once they hit the sack?”

Eh? I looked at him, with a questioning look.

“Hm? Are you sure? Halloween is supposed to be scary once night falls.”

“Positive. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Alright.” she relented. She kissed him on the cheek before walking away. “Wait til you see my costume Nick. You're going to be howling like a werewolf once you see it.”

Ugh. She may not be a succubus, but she acts worse than one.

“Ow! What the heck?”

“Why did you have to lie to her like that?”

“I wasn’t. My mom really did ask me and I said sure. Besides, I’m sure my sisters will be happy to go to your family’s Halloween party. You really don’t want people to come to this party, do you? I bet not even Maddy has an invite.”

“She does but it's different. It’ll be the only time when my magic will be at its highest.”

“Speaking of that, did you say that witches actually used to eat people?!”

“That was a long time ago, and it depended on the culture. Nowadays people don’t do that anymore. Why? Stopped you from coming?”

“No.” he began walking away, revealing the invitation in his hands. “But, once my sisters hear about this, you try stopping them from going. See ya!”

“H-hey!”

Great. In six days and counting, Nick, his sisters and Maddy are coming to my house on Halloween night.

Did he forget to realize that there will be actual monsters there?

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Six days hath passed… (see what I did there?)

Nick’s POV

Halloween is tomorrow, and the past few days, I’ve noticed Will and her family preparing for the event. At the cafe, their home, even Will’s locker was decorated to the extreme with various Halloween props. She even brought Halloween themed food for lunch, practically scaring the rest of the student body, along with her pranks. Though no one but me knows it her. Surprising, even myself, I smile to myself, thinking how much fun my sisters are going to have.

“Nicholas!”

I stopped and saw Mrs. McCalmont coming towards me, carrying a large bag.

“I wanted to give you and your sisters something for the party tomorrow. You didn’t get your costumes yet, have you?” she asked

“Not really. My sister’s are being picky, and I wasn’t planning of wearing something elaborate as a costume. Just a mask, that’s it.”

She chuckled like it was a joke. “Oh, don’t be silly, here.” She handed me the bag. “I’m sure you and your sisters will love them.”

I looked inside and saw the folded fabric.

“You made us costumes?” I was surprised of someone being so generous. “You didn’t have to. What about Will or Faye?”

“Don’t worry. Their costumes have been done two weeks ago.” She answered

Why doesn’t that surprise me?

“There’s also additional items that go with the costumes.”

“Oh, thank you. I’m sure my sisters will like them.” Let’s hope anyway.

“I’ll see you on Halloween. Come at 6 o’clock!”

“We will! Thank you again!”

When I got home, I showed the costumes to my parents and sisters. I don’t know if its because she’s a witch or a mother, or something else, but she was right. My sisters love their costumes.

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Will’s POV

It was around sunset, 5:30pm to be exact, when they came. I was helping Faye finish putting on her costume, when the doorbell rang. My dad changed the bell to something similar to the bell of the Addams Family.

“I’ll get it!” she yelled, running out of the room

“Faye!” Dammit! I didn’t zip her back yet!

I chased her down the stairs to the door.

“Who is it?” Faye asked

“It’s Felicity, Samantha and Molly! And NicK!”

“That’s not what you say today! It’s Halloween! Try again!”

“Oh! Trick-or-Treat!” called all girls

I sighed in amusement and grabbed the candy bowl as Faye quickly opened the door.

The three sisters, and Nick were all wearing their costumes. Felicity wore a traditional witch costume, Samantha wore a doll costume, complete with mask, and Molly was a Dullahan. Nick wore a 19th century vampire outfit, though the clothes are actually from the 19th century.All made by my mom. Faye was dressed as Queen Titania, queen of the fairies. I was dressed in a white gothic dress from the movie, Beastly.

“Hey.” said Nick, eyes widened in amazement.

“Hey.” I replied, in equal amazement.

“Candy!” yelled Molly. She held out her bag.

“Molly! That’s not how you ask for stuff!”

“That's okay. She did say trick-or-treat.” I laughed. I like Molly’s forwardness. These girls are going to get along great with my sister.

“Here you go.” I gave each of them a handful of candy. “Sis! Get mom to zipper your back and get your candy bag! You guys can come inside. You're early.”

“Yay!” The girls rushed inside, following Faye.

“Can you help us with our make-up?” asked Felicity

“Sure. I’ll make you guys have the scariest faces.”

“Nick too!” pointed Molly

“And Nick.” I smiled

“No thanks. I’m good. Is Maddy here?” he asked as we went up the stairs.

“Yeah. Got here 15 minutes ago. And you’re putting on that make-up. Anyway, who’s the kid?”

Nick must have known what I was talking about, because he leaned closer towards me.

“You see him too?”

I sighed. “Yes, I see the ghost boy.”

The boy I’m talking about, is a cute little seven year old in a skeleton costume. Faye was already introducing herself to him.

“He’s been following us the last two blocks. I thought ghosts were supposed to be invisible. How is he here and why can my sisters see him? He’s not like Sam from that trick or treat movie is he?”

“I assure you, he’s not.” I chuckled over Nick’s panic. “He’s a Halloween spirit. They’re people and children that died and visit our realm today and the next two days.”

“So, he won’t curse, possess or hurt them, will he?”

“Dude, it's Halloween. Let go of your fears. It’s time to celebrate. Here.” I handed him a piece of red cake. “Have this.”

“Thanks.” He stuck his fork in, watched as red sauce came out of the holes, and due to me staring, took a big bite of it. He then proceeded to eat more.

“This is good. What is it?”

“Piece of flesh.”

Instantly, his eyes widen in fear and quickly spit the cake out and threw the rest into the garbage. I laughed and relished at his reaction.

“Hahahahaha! Oh, God! Your face! Haha! It was only cake!” Man, that comment of witches eating people early really got to him. “It was red velvet and cherry jelly!”

Nick glared at me like he actually wanted to set me on fire. It was hilarious.

“Okay, let me take you and your sisters to the bathroom. You are going to love the make up I put on you.”

“Hey Nick. What are you doing here?”

We turned to see Maddy, wearing an 70s costume, with the glasses I gave her. I just finished putting Nick’s make up on after doing his sisters. My mom helped to, but left to prepare for the other kids. Nick’s face was now a skeleton, with his hair slicked back.

“Woah, Maddy. Nice costume.” complimented Nick, once he saw her 70s outfit.

“Thanks. Will gave it to me. Are you suppose to be a skeleton?”

“Yeah, I guess so, but how can you tell?”

“I can see you.” she stated cheerfully.

“I thought you were blind.”

“I am. But for some strange reason, I can see. I’m not one to ask questions why, but I’ll advantage of it for the rest of the night.” She then left to go mingle.

Earlier today, I decided to tell her the same thing I told Nick, but I was actually going to tell her first, since she’s my friend. She was shocked at first, but then decided to go with it, think I was just making it up. I made those glasses to make her temporarily see. I think she believes me now.

It was six o’clock, and the rest of Faye’s friends and classmates were here. I played another prank on Nick by turning the ice into fake eyeballs. Seeing him flinch in fear is so funny. I wonder if this is what witches in the past felt like when playing pranks on humans.

“Playing pranks already?” Mom came from the kitchen.

“It’s Halloween, mom. I’m allowed to play pranks.” I defended

She chuckled as she gave me a traveler’s skeleton key.

“Be back by before nine, if you want to see the parade.”

“Alright.” Trick or Treating from six to nine, doesn’t seem like a lot of time, but with a traveler’s skeleton key, I can go anywhere in the world. Which means time zones.

“All right you monsters!” I announced to the trick-or-treaters.” “Are you ready to eat enough candy to rot your teeth from the inside out and be scared out of your minds?”

“Yeah!!!” cheered the group of children.

“Then let’s go trick or treating!”

“Trick or Treat! Trick or Treat! Trick or Treat!” chanted the kids.

For the next three hours, which varies thanks to time zones, we trick or treated in several different states, in both Earth and Arcanos. We went to New Orleans, LA, Salem, MA, Sleepy Hollow, NY, Savannah, GA and other cities and towns known for Halloween specials. Thank you traveler’s skeleton key.

Felicity, Samantha and Molly’s eyes were bulging out of their skulls right now. I don't think they ever got this much candy before. I feel bad for their parents trying to take it from them.

It was nearly nine when we all traveled back home, when Nick decided to talk to me. Except for talking to his sisters and Maddy, he was quiet all night.

“You know, I never expected this to happen.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, believe it or not, I actually did some research on how witches celebrate Halloween and today. Aren’t you guys supposed to be worshipping spirits or something?”

Well at least he’s honest and did some research first.

“Not really. All Hallow’s Eve, or Samhain or Halloween, was more of an agricultural celebration, rather than religious or spiritual. Though there are some gods involved. Anyway, Halloween is kind of similar back then as it is today. Just not so commercialized. Halloween is the only time of year when the spirit world and Earth crosses with each other and magic power heightens at its peak.”

“That’s what you said earlier about Maddy.”

“Yeah, I used the added power boost to make those glasses so Maddy could see, though it’ll only work for tonight. You can’t use magic to someone’s blindness.”

“That sucks.”

“Uh-huh. I was planning on telling her the truth earlier, but then you came along. At least she didn’t have a panic attack like you did.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“It's fine. Anyway, to avoid being pranked by mischievous spirits, people would disguise themselves in order to fool them. Of course, they saw through it over time, but they liked this idea. In addition to that, they left out treats for the spirit to eat.”

“Hence trick or treat?”

“Hence trick or treat. Halloween and Days of the Dead are the only time when the fantasy and spirit world connect with the earth and when normal people can see them. Though again there are a few exceptions.”

We arrived at my house in Arcanos and after thanking us, the children, including Nick’s sisters ran inside, eager to continue the party.

“By the time we come back, it’ll look like the candy stock market hit. They’ll probably be still trading candy when we come back.”

“Trading candy? Haven’t done that since I was a kid. Maybe when come back from Heather’s party, I’ll trade in some candy myself. So, quick question, how are we going to get to the party?” Asked Nick

I smiled at him, taking out my broom.

“Ask a stupid question…”

#witches #samhain #all hallows eve #halloween

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renegade-skywalker · 5 years

Text

On Call

Summary:

“How ‘bout a game of Pazaak?” Atton offered, mostly sarcastic but still slightly earnest, hooking his arms behind his head as he leaned back in his pilot’s chair. “Last time we played you almost beat me.”

“You let me win. Almost,” Eden could hardly contain her smile, though she tried her damnedest. “I don’t count cheating as actually playing.”

“Does it count as cheating if I let you win?” he countered, his voice softer than he intended, though he tried to play it off coolly, “C’mon, I promise I’ll play nice.”

(continue reading on AO3 or below the cut)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

“Glad to hear everything’s coming along okay,” Eden confided over the comm, lingering longer than she had to, “I know we have unfinished business once we touch down on Dxun but I like knowing we can ditch that moon before my boots get too muddy.”

Eden laughed, that casual laugh she breathed when nervous, unsure of herself but sure enough to put up a facade, not so much for others but more so for herself. Atton could feel it, he could tell. It wasn’t anything he’d gleaned by prying, either, but something he’d begun to notice of his own accord, finding himself incapable of looking away from her whenever she was around.

“Trust me, I don’t think any of us are a fan of this place,” Atton agreed, though he felt strange as the word us crossed his lips, though less-so if he thought of it as just meaning him and Bao, who were still manning the ship during its seemingly endless repairs, occasionally joking that the moon was haunted when the sound of a hydrospanner being kicked around the garage would wake them between shifts - though Atton was sure that despite their mostly-forced small-talk and running jokes that this place was haunted, and he was glad someone like Visas wasn’t around to say otherwise. “We’ll all be better for it once this moon is behind us.”

“Yeah,” Eden joined uncertainly, “... Yeah.”

Another moon had been a topic of late, and talking of moons in general had been … difficult to say the least, and for once Atton was glad that Dxun was the moon of the hour. As for Malachor, they’d get to that when they came to it. Which hopefully wasn’t for another long while.

“Hopefully we’ll be out of here soon,” Eden sighed, looking around as if saying it out loud would jinx their chances, “The sooner we finish up on Onderon, the sooner we finish up on Dxun.”

“Agreed,” Atton rejoined, watching her as she tried to settle into the inevitable end of their conversation, clearly stewing over the idea of potentially being stuck on Onderon or Dxun, or a mixture of both, longer than any of them wanted. She picked at a nail off-screen, glancing up at Atton to show that she hadn’t quite forgotten him, yet somehow prolonging her eventual sign off.

“It’s weird,” she said finally, making eye contact through the holo, her usually green eyes an almost silver-blue, “Being here. Without you - well, without both of you.” She quickly corrected, her face darkening for a moment before recovering, Atton’s breath catching in his throat as he noticed it, “Any luck with the navicomputer, by the way?”

She absently picked at her nail still, doing what she could to appear nonchalant. Atton knew that move well.

Eden had been on edge here since they’d landed, and Atton reckoned the fact that it was a crash landing (and their second one, no less) did nothing to help matters. Eden was famous for the campaign she held against the Mandalorians here, the Mandalorians that remained on this moon and sought to reclaim it along with their honor. Eden seemed to have found some odd-feeling peace at making nice with those she’d once faced down on the battlefield, hunted and killed in these very forests, but she was still unsettled, still plagued with memories she’d rather not remember. Atton could tell just by looking at her, so ravaged by memory that Eden could hardly keep her mask up - not that she had to, he reminded himself, but try telling her that - but he could also feel it in the air around her, stormy like the clouds rumbling across the jungles about them, only the thunder felt closer than the far-off clouds should have allowed, as if Eden were reliving storms of years past, dredging up memories even if it was the last thing she wanted. The others felt it, too, Bao most of all, but he had at least found some peace in being here, somehow. Atton had a mind to ask him about it, but figured it would be best if he didn’t. If fixing the ship was Bao’s way of fixing his past somehow, then so be it. In a way Atton envied it, still bitter about how his conversation with Eden had gone on Nar Shaddaa not too long ago…

“Not great, huh?” Eden cut in, a disappointed half-smile crossing her face as she assumed the worst in response to Atton’s lack of response.

“Oh shit, sorry,” Atton mumbled, apologizing for his lapse in thought, “Just… tired.”

He glanced back down the hall, as if Bao might overhear and correct him, assuring Eden that he was doing most of the heavy-lifting, not Atton…

“Things aren’t looking too bad,” Atton continued, trying to sound hopeful. “May still be a long while ‘til we’re out of the woods. Er, literally and figuratively. Granted, at least we can leave these literal woods once you get back. Can’t say the same about anywhere else in the galaxy, unless we have exact coordinates.”

Eden snorted, as if mentally recounting their journey so far and tallying their luck, “Doesn’t look like we can afford to head anywhere new just yet, I just-” she sighed, looking off-screen, almost wistful. “I could use a good distraction, that’s all.”

As their plan would have it, once Eden spoke with the Jedi called Kavar they would either make a return visit to Dantooine or to the Republic depending on whether the Council of old decided to gather quickly or if the Sith tailing them decided to attack the galaxy at large first. For now they’d play it by ear, but it didn’t look like things would let up either way, and as much of a reprieve as this little jaunt was proving to be they all still seemed to use a rest.

“You let me win. Almost,” Eden could hardly contain her smile, though she tried her damnedest. “I don’t count cheating as actually playing.”

“Does it count as cheating if I let you win?” he countered, his voice softer than he intended, though he tried to play it off coolly, “C’mon, I promise I’ll play nice.”

Eden considered him, balancing her chin between her thumb and forefinger as if in genuine thought.

“Atton, why do you-?” she started, her expression still playful for a moment before suddenly growing serious. “Ah, never mind. Just deal.”

Swallowing her expression and replacing it with one of easygoing revelry, Eden gestured to Atton as she rummaged around her pack, which was apparently set on the table beside her holo.

“Why do I what?” Atton asked, his voice quiet but probing as he thumbed his own deck out of his jacket pocket hanging off the back of the co-pilot’s chair, gentle as he tried not to push too hard though too curious to let it go completely.

Eden finally pulled out her own deck from her unseen bag on the table and shuffled before drawing a hand. It was a deck he’d helped her build in their time on Nar Shaddaa, before things had gotten too dicey, before their conversations had grown too serious, when things between them still felt friendly and less… heavy. She eyed him over the cards now fanned out in her hand, their decorative backs facing him like a mask, and part of him was proud she was being so playful despite avoiding his question. Fair enough.

Atton shrugged, letting his query go unanswered, though he held onto it like the card he always kept up his sleeve. Well… figuratively. And literally. He’d sworn off cheating after the mess that got him into his stint at Peragus, having unknowingly tried to out-cheat a known cheater, not realizing the prick had a card hidden somewhere unexpected when Atton’d already counted the cards, including the one he thought was up their sleeve. Now, Atton only mirrored their trick to mess with Eden. And to piss off T3 when he was in a mood, since T3 was the only other one on the Hawk that bothered to play with him. And droids weren’t equipped to anticipate cheating, or handle it very well for that matter…

“Ready to draw?” Eden asked, raising a brow provocatively in jest.

“As you wish, Master,” he joked, though Eden blanched at the word, her face paling even with the blue-white tint of the holo feed.

“Please don’t call me that,” she said through pursed lips, waiting for Atton to pull the first card. She settled once Atton slipped a card from his deck and showed it to her, laying it flat on the Ebon Hawk’s still-dormant control panel, before showing him a card of her own.

He could keep score in his head, so seeing her card only once was enough. He watched her as she registered his play, her eyes darting between him and the number displayed before considering her hand again.

“I didn’t think you’d be up for it,” Atton considered aloud as Eden pulled her next card.

“Up for what?” she said almost absently, taking a few moments to keep track of the game in her head.

“Pazaak,” he said after a few seconds, giving Eden time to get her rein on things. “I was half joking, y’know.”

“Oh, I know,” she said, her voice somewhere between a sigh and a thoughtful statement, “But I wasn’t kidding when I said I needed a distraction.”

Eden flashed him a quick smile - genuine though fleeting, her smile meeting her eyes, their upturned corners creasing with the effortless gesture - and glanced back at her hand again before placing another card down and surrendering. “Not surprised that was a quick round, though,” she conceded, already shuffling her deck again as she counted her loss.

Atton considered her, watching on as she mixed the cards up in her deck again, but this time with too calculated of a focus.

“I do it to keep them out of my head,” he offered, still watching her, waiting for the thought to register.

“Do what?” she said, looking up, doing her best to appear caught off-guard, though part of her was.

“That was what you wanted to ask, wasn’t it?” he asked quietly. “Why I play Pazaak in my head?”

“I wasn’t-” Eden began, cutting herself off before she could muster up an excuse, “I just noticed-”

“It passes the time,” he said, before she could make any more of a fool of herself, since it was the last thing he wanted. “Beats listing off engine sequencers, memorizing hyperspace routes or counting the ticks in power couplings.”

“I’m sure any memorized hyperspace routes would be welcome now ,” Eden mentioned, her voice light and airy, detracting from the invasive nature of her question, no matter how genuine. And there she went again, giving him credit, making him feel important. Something she’d done since Peragus, and even though Atton wasn’t used to it, he knew she meant it. “Though, all I meant was that I-”

“I get it, I get it,” Atton said, waving an unbusy hand about as he continued the next round. “Things still a bit haywire?”

He still wasn’t sure how the Force worked, or how it felt for Eden to be disconnected and then reconnected to it after so many years, but now that he knew for an undeniable fact that his intuition all these years had been some facet of it, he was just as curious about its nature as Eden was about his innate abilities no matter how sensitive the subject.

“A little,” she confessed, her eyes darting from her cards to Atton every millisecond, “Dxun didn’t help, and now Kavar-”

Eden shook her head, effectively drowning out the rest of her thought as it remained unvoiced, her mask of calm slipping again, though Atton could still sense her soothing serenity sitting somewhere beneath it all, trying to calm her thoughts.

Atton only nodded, pulling the next card, letting Eden register the draw before countering him with her next play.

“What are you thinking about right now?” he ventured, testing her, knowing that part of him wished to hear something other than what he was expecting…

“The score, my hand, my next play...” Eden answered almost instantly, as if reading off a list, looking from Atton to the card he played again, counting the score silently before her eyes returned to his, questioning now. “Why?”

“That’s why I play Pazaak in my head,” he said, drawing the next card, letting Eden choose between reading the play and waiting for his response. “If I’m playing Pazaak in my head, then no one gets in.”

“You hold the deck,” Eden answered in understanding, almost laughing with a sort of relief, “You literally hold all the cards.”

“Exactly,” he said, before laughing himself, though this time with genuine mirth. “You win.”

Eden paused, looking from her hand to Atton again, though this time in disbelief. She smiled, letting it steep instead of hiding it away as she usually did, except for the smile she afforded him on G0-T0’s ship, the brightness of it still fresh in his memory. Before she could sense it, he glanced at his losing hand, placing its numbers at the forefront of his mind, putting up a wall - but the look on her face told him it was all but too late.

“Smart,” she said, still impressed, “I’m sorry I-”

“Don’t apologize, and you don’t need to explain anything,” Atton said, reshuffling his cards again and putting them down for the time being, “Jedi… light or dark… do it, more often than you’d think. But I never heard one say they were sorry before… That’s a new house rule,” he huffed a dark laugh, “I didn’t realize I was doing it myself until you-”

Atton had pried into minds his entire life, counting cards and calculating moves - it’s what made him both an excellent card player and an expert assassin. A brilliant interrogator on both counts, though he wasn’t sure just how proud he wanted to be about either of those things just yet.

Eden only frowned.

“That still doesn’t make it right,” she said, her voice suddenly soft, her regret plain on her face.

“I feel…” Eden started, trailing off as she sought out the right word, “ Gross.”

“See why I don’t like Jedi?” Atton said, “I mean, not you - not that you’re a -”

Eden put up a hand to shut him up, not that it had much effect across planets, or moons or whatever length of space stretched between them.

“I get it,” she said, “It’s not that I wasn’t expecting it, you said as much. It’s just that it really does feel weirder from the other end of things. Even when I was cut off from the Force, I was just… empty. But this…? I wonder how many Jedi would condone this if they knew what it felt like, if they were taught to wonder what it was like, to really put themselves in the shoes of those they… used. ”

Atton didn’t say anything in response, only nodding as he listened but not quite in agreement, more so to indicate that he was actively listening to her every word. As Eden had met with each hidden Jedi over the past few weeks, earnestly pled with each ex-Council member for help against the Sith, she’d grown more and more confident in her original convictions, convinced she’d made the right choice in walking away even though the others had already deemed her exiled. And in a way, she still was, only they had branded her an outsider before she could claim her own path, even though it was hers to walk alone.

“But… it feels better knowing now, knowing that I can stop it.”

“We can stop playing for now, if you want to,” Atton offered, ready to place his cards back on the table but also suddenly reluctant, knowing the moment he did there was no reason to keep their call going, not quite ready to say goodbye just yet.

“No, no, let’s play another round, I want to try again,” she replied, eagerly reshuffling her cards, ready to play again.

“Are you sure?” Atton asked, trying to mask the smile stupidly overcoming him, trying to throw up another wall before Eden could see just how intent he was to keep playing, even if it only meant he’d get to talk to her for a bit longer…

Eden nodded, putting her game face back on, “I’m sure.”

“I know it feels a bit strange, but now you know why I do what I do. And you can do it, too.”

Atton waited for her to reshuffle her deck so they could start again, assuming they would so he could prove his point.

“So these are your walls?” Eden probed, her tone still wary, testing the waters. She fanned out her deck again like a miniature fence blocking her from Atton, almost playful, something light to hide the genuine curiosity that plagued her, “Pazaak plays, hyperspace routes, coordinates...”

“Give it a try, during our game,” he offered, nodding in encouragement, amused by how timid she suddenly was but understanding why. Part of him was glad, but he felt guilty for it too, realizing it was part of a deep-seated issue he had with Force-users and the fact that Eden had likely never learned what it felt like from the other side of things. “I’ll try to get through, but I won’t go too deep.”

He watched her for a reaction. Eden’s eyes were fixed on her cards as she thought it over, finally looking at him with a nod, affirming, “Not too deep.”

Atton smiled a small smile, more to reassure her than anything, though it was secretly for himself as well. He didn’t say it but this was a bit of practice for him, too. As a Sith, he’d never controlled how far he broke into Jedi minds, never once stopping himself, only willing himself deeper until there was something to break, until he found something that could be used as a weapon, something that would hurt . But the thought of doing that to Eden, even unintentionally… it made him sick. He swallowed any queasiness that overcame him and prepared to flip over the first card, steadying himself just as much as he was sure Eden was doing the same.

Eden locked eyes on Atton’s first play, refusing to look away as she waited and played in turn, silently trusting him, “Shit hand.”

Atton laughed, even though he knew she was only trying to lighten the mood. Her first draw had, indeed, been a terrible one, and Atton silently promised to buy her a better deck once this was all over if she didn’t manage to win the cards herself.

He played his next card, trying not to wince at the number, realizing they may reach the finish line faster than intended. Eden considered her hand and Atton decided that now was the time… he reached out, probing, and sensed something…

“A plus five, minus two, and a minus three,” Atton muttered, sucking in a breath through his teeth set in a grimace, “That really is a shit hand.”

Eden only smiled, playing the only card that made any sense for her to play. Atton probed again, this time finding a phrase on the tip of Eden’s tongue - Nice try, smart ass. Now try this.

Without thinking, an image entered Atton’s head - or perhaps it was more accurate to say that it sauntered in of its own accord - a vision of Eden in those Peragus undergarments what now felt like years ago, wreathed in the half-sick glow of Atton’s poor vision through the force cage he’d been withering away in. His face instantly turned red, the heat threatening to stay where it was despite how much he willed the opposite.

“You’re never gonna let that go, are you?” he teased, though his voice was edged, annoyed to be caught off guard with such a… sensitive image. “I was delirious, you know.”

“Mhmm,” Eden murmured through a half-hidden laugh that threatened to burst over her pursed lips, a faint smile present despite her efforts, “You seemed pretty coherent once I let you start talking.”

“Talking is one of the only things I’m good at,” Atton laughed darkly, “Other than drinking and shooting things.”

“And Pazaak,” Eden added as she tucked a loose strand of dark hair behind her ear, her expression growing serious, “But you and I both know that’s not true.”

“Okay, I guess I’m not the best shot on board, but I can drink the entire crew under the table.”

“And over it,” Eden chuckled, “But you also know that’s not what I meant.”

Atton bit his lip, not quite ready to acknowledge that Eden had given him credit again, and tried her best to let him know it. Part of him felt he didn’t deserve it, wishing she’d drop the subject so they could continue, but Eden failed to elaborate, wishing for Atton to come to the conclusion himself, or at least voice that he had.

Atton only just realized that neither of them had made a play as he thought it over, still undecided whether he would say anything in response to the credit he craved but felt undeserving of, and without a proper table Atton had actually forgotten whose turn it was. He combed through his brain for the right numbers, the correct pattern, finding it again but not before Eden found his lapse of thought.

“Damn you’re good,” he said, putting up a wall just as he sensed she might break in again, this time holding it tenfold. It was like a gentle tug from her direction, a polite rapping at his brain, as if someone wanted to see if he was home. He almost laughed. “See? You’re a natural.’

“I didn’t realize it felt like this,” she admitted, looking somewhat guilty, but watching him curiously still, waiting for him to acknowledge what she had said earlier, “The only time my mind was… breached I was made very, very aware of it.”

She shook her head, closing her eyes for a moment as she no doubt relived the memory. Atton paused, watching her, realizing now would be a good time to sneak in and catch a glimpse, but also knowing that he respected her too much to catch her in a low point.

“With my brother it was different,” she continued again, opening her eyes and seeming to settle into herself as she moved passed the darker memories, “We used to talk to each other like that, in our minds. It was like our secret way of passing notes in class.”

“Like what you did just now?” Atton said, referring to her clever quip, the image she willed him to see of her on Peragus. Eden nodded.

“I thought it was maybe a Force bond thing, but now I’m not so sure. I’m surprised it worked with you, actually.”

She smiled again, laughing quietly, triumphantly that her joke had worked.

Now, Atton thought. I’ll try again now.

Without so much as looking at her, Atton reached out with his mind, a polite probing if there were such a thing, and he was met with a flimsy image of Eden’s hand - minus two, minus three, and the plus one she’d just added into play - but it was mingled with a weak feeling of her brother… of Aiden… the young man Atton had turned all those years ago, and the man they saw again in the flesh on Korriban, at Sion’s side. The image was more a kaleidoscope than a set picture, a mix between the man as he was now and the twin Eden had known as a child, as well as whoever it was Aiden was perpetually in her head, in her memory, a feeling more than an image.

“See what I mean?” Atton said once Eden registered the breach on her end, hastily sending up another wall of numbers, but this time gibberish and not quite a solid hand worth playing. “Most people don’t feel it, especially not when they’re unguarded. I think putting up a wall makes it more obvious. Without a wall it’s harder to tell when someone might be digging around, but with a barrier up you feel them pass through it or push it down. Or better yet, you know when you stop them dead in their tracks.”

Eden nodded, grasping the concept as she soaked in his words, connecting the dots. He had felt it when she had first tried to get into his mind, sensed the feeling of someone trying to get in and peruse its contents. It had been quiet, and he had almost half a mind to drift off to sleep when he felt her. But it wasn’t just Eden… he sensed Kreia, too. He’d felt her presence even though he knew it was Eden trying to read his thoughts, sending out tendrils of the Force across the ship to get a feel for it and everyone on board, a lesson of Kreia’s, no doubt. Eden’s quiet exploration was more curious and careful, her energy more like a sprite than a shadow. But there was something about Kreia that felt different, darker, not quite malicious but… deliberate. Atton wasn’t sure which was worse.

He wondered now just how many times Kreia had violated the thoughts of the others on the ship, and now that he knew Eden was only just learning how to send up walls, he wondered how many times Kreia may have breached her thoughts as well. He didn’t want to think about it, and he didn’t want to think about what someone like Sion or even Eden’s now-Sith brother could do, what someone trained in the Dark Side of the Force could glean from a person’s mind, willing or otherwise.

“If you’re fighting anyone, and I mean anyone, whether light or dark,” Atton began, not exactly sure where he was going with this, already certain his tongue was getting ahead of him, thinking of Kreia, of the lost Jedi, of the Sith that hounded them and everyone else in between, “If you’re facing someone who might have power over your mind, put up a wall, so at least they’ll have to knock.”

Eden watched him, her gaze earnest as she listened to his every word, her eyes locked on his even through the holoscreen.

“Recite engine sequencers, start listing hyperspace routes…” he continued, not breaking her gaze, “And when they try to use their power over you, it won’t be as easy as they thought. Because you’ll be right here with me, playing Pazaak, where they can’t reach you.”

It was part in jest, a playful suggestion that his playing Pazaak was just a big fuck you to the galaxy at large, especially anyone that thought enough to mess with him, or Eden now that he’d invited it… but it was also an earnest vow to keep her safe, to offer her safe harbor, whatever that meant and whatever the case may be.

“Atton, I-” Eden balked almost, her mask slipping again, somewhere between her usual calm and collected self to something more vulnerable, the gratitude evident on her face for just a moment before she settled into a half-smile, “I’d like that.”

Atton didn’t say anything in response - couldn’t say anything in response - he was only capable of smiling dumbly at her, his affection clear on his face.

“You didn’t have to tell me,” she continued, her voice quieter, deeper now, “After what I did.”

“You deserve to know,” Atton replied almost too quickly, hearkening back to their conversation on Nar Shaddaa, “It’s not as much a favor as it is a courtesy.”

Eden was staring at her cards now, but she smiled at them, at him, and said “I’m glad you have just as much to teach me as I have to teach you,” she sighed, her smile dissolving only a little, “You know how I feel about positions of… power.”

“Oh, I know,” he said, smirking in response, knowing she had more power over him than perhaps she cared to know. “Your turn.”

It took Eden a moment to realize that Atton was referring to the game at hand, showing her hand easily as she settled into a newfound calm again, but this time Atton could tell he had something to do with it. And for that, he was glad.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

They played Pazaak for a couple more hours, by far their longest game, and by far their longest call since they’d been separated. It was only when the sun threatened rising on Dxun did Atton think to finally cut their game short, realizing it may have been more telling for Eden to find the cockpit suddenly sunnier of her own accord than him bidding her goodnight of his own volition.

Part of him wanted her to know just how much he wanted to keep talking to her, just how much seeing her face changed things, but he also knew it only made her inevitable return more complicated. At least Eden hadn’t seemed to want to call it quits, either, though her reasons were her own.

Atton finally signed off and bid her farewell, cracking a joke while he was at it. Eden smiled at that. It was the last thing he saw before the comm feed faded out, losing her signal, and it was the last thing he thought of before finally drifting off to sleep.

But Eden hadn’t called in three days. Not that Atton was counting…

He kept busy with Bao most of the time, though now they were only running diagnostics on the parts of the ship they’d already repaired and conducting routine maintenance on the rest. Atton knew quite a bit about ship maintenance before their impromptu repair training camp, but he had to admit he’d learned a lot from Bao in the past week or so. Atton had never met anyone as well-versed in circuitry than Bao-Dur, and no one near half as ingenious. Everything the Iridonian proposed seemed so obvious, so natural, that Atton was surprised at least half of it wasn’t taught during his training with the Republic Flight Academy. Not that pilots were meant to be technicians, but everything that came out of Bao’s mouth felt like something that should have been common knowledge, almost to the point where Atton wanted to call Eden and tell her about it…

Only he didn’t call her, and she didn’t call back, so he had no excuse to tell her. He picked up the comm several times, considering it, his thumb hovering over the button, but he resisted each time. Their calls had been so regular before, almost scheduled, and Atton wondered if there was perhaps something behind it all, something more than Eden’s simple need to update the other half of her crew on her current party’s tasks and whereabouts. She’d sent him a few text-based messages, as well, a few jokes here and there, snide remarks she likely had no one to half-mouth them to as the reaction came naturally to her - and at these Atton couldn’t help but smile, fool that he was. There were moments where he’d plant jokes only to find they never quite landed with Bao-Dur, and though the man never complained, Atton couldn’t help but wish that Eden was there by his side to roll her eyes and try to swallow a laugh at his expense. Maybe she felt the same.

And in those past three days Atton found himself perusing their text log, reliving old messages as if they were new again one moment while the next he was berating himself for being such an idiot.

She’d sent two messages since their last game, and Atton pored over them now, almost anticipating if another might be sent while he contemplated sending one himself. One was about the sad state of the Pazaak tables at the Iziz Cantina, and the second was a photo of a sad droid merchant she’d spied in the city’s Western Square, pairing it with a sardonic comment about the shop she’d run back on Tatooine, a story she’d told him in confidence over drinks back on Telos - before they’d ever met Atris, before Kreia thought to blackmail him, back when things were a lot simpler and Atton was still planning on leaving and hoping he’d not only leave Eden behind but forget about her, for his own good as well as hers.

He wondered how Kreia might feel if she could see him now, wondered whether she considered her blackmail successful in that he stayed or a failure in that Atton ended up caring for the Exile more than he’d anticipated, to the point where no amount of coercion could get him to leavewhen it had first been the only thing to convince him to stay… She’d probably sneer, or laugh that hollow laugh of hers that was more of an annoyedly exhaled breath. He didn’t like that Kreia traveled with Eden now, without him, finding little comfort in the fact that Mical was in his stead, but was at least glad to know Mira likely had her wrist-launchers perpetually set to fire should anything happen.

Reveal the face of the +8 card, switch the face of the +10/-10 card, the total is 18/0…

“The hell?”

Atton nearly threw the comm across the dashboard of the ship as the image entered his mind before disappearing entirely. Jolted, Atton stood suddenly, checking his surroundings and reaching out with the Force, the way Eden had taught him to after he’d quietly pleaded for training after leaving Nar Shaddaa. He still wasn’t used to the reach of it, his mind tentatively stretching out over the ship like an outstretched hand, fingers poised to sense any interlopers… but the ship was quiet, empty. Bao had gone for a walk an hour ago, claiming that he found the rain calming, and now only T3 remained along with the still-unrepaired vestiges of the HK unit the Hawk came with.

There was a pause, like a breath baited, waiting, before Atton sensed it again.

Reveal the face of the +5/-5 card, totals are… well, shit.

Atton had subconsciously begun counting cards in his head more times than he could, well, count . But this… this was something different. This was planted, and there was only one person Atton knew who owned a shitty Pazaak deck.

“Eden,” he breathed, reaching over the dashboard now to retrieve the comm he’d thrown, its scratched hull now lying closer to the duraglass than he’d prefer.

Adrenaline coursed through his veins as he climbed over the console to reach the damn thing, fumbling with the controls before he could properly call her, his blood thrumming in his ears as he waited for Eden to pick up.

After a moment and a wave of static, a lounging Eden with wide eyes greeted him from the viewscreen, but before he could utter a greeting he blurted, “What, what happened? Are you alright? No one’s trying to-” “Whoa, whoa settle down there,” Eden laughed nervously, “I didn’t think you’d actually pick up.”

Her voice was deep, as if having just woken from a deep sleep, and her hair was unkempt, barely held aloft from the nape of her neck in a complete mess of a bun. She blew a dark strand of hair out of her face as she leaned in to get a closer look at Atton, suddenly paling as the realization dawned on her.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry, you didn’t think I was-?”

“In potential peril? Yes!” Atton barked, not quite angry but still coursing with too much adrenaline, more than his otherwise motionless body could cope with right now, his mind mentally preparing for another crash landing via dashing rescue.

“Oh my god,” Eden sighed, covering her face, “I couldn’t sleep.”

“You- wait, what?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” she said through her fingers, her voice muffled slightly but hiding none of her anguish, “I was afraid to call, in case you were busy, or asleep, or, I don’t know.”

“I…” Atton floundered for a moment, realizing his hands were braced on his hips with an almost motherly consternation, quickly relaxing them at his sides before continuing, “You were afraid to call?”

His question came out whisper-soft, watching Eden as she slowly lowered her hands down her face to place them in her lap, where she kept her gaze as she continued.

“I thought about what you said, about playing Pazaak in my head to occupy my mind, to keep others out. But this place…? This planet is so old, and there’s so much energy left over from so many years of conflict, and there’s still stuff at work I can’t quite figure out,” Eden nursed her temples, as if merely talking about it was muddling her head with worry and the Force, “I kept dreaming about it while I slept and finally I got fed up. I just wanted… I wanted to relax, to do something else… so I thought about doing what you said, in case it helped with other things, like keeping the Force out, even for just a minute. But then I thought… well, we hadn’t talked in a while, and I wasn’t sure if you’d answer, even though I know you would, I just… I don’t know, it all seems so silly now that I say it out loud.”

“It’s not silly, and you know I’m always on call. Always,” Atton said, sitting down now, trying to match her near manic expression with one of unending calm, something she’d taught him indirectly, something he’d simply observed. “That was a shit hand though.”

“A really shit hand,” Eden laughed, looking relieved that he’d somewhat changed the subject to spare her any more embarrassment, “I lost before I even gave you a chance to pull a card.”

“We really need to get you a new deck,” Atton sighed as he finally found it in himself to grow comfortable, once his vitals realized that danger wasn’t at hand and that… Eden had simply thought of him when she couldn’t sleep. He tried not to smile at the thought. “That is, if you want to.”

“A problem for another day,” she said, biting one of her nails now as she gathered the courage to look up at him, “Care for a game, regardless?”

Atton smirked, already thumbing his deck out of his jacket, “Still in need of that distraction?”

“Desperately,” she replied, her demeanor lighter now, better… “You deal, you’re better at it.”

“Oh, how ever will you learn?” he joked, looking up at her as he shuffled through his deck, and he swore Eden bit her lip before looking away, swallowing her expression and replacing it with as good a Pazaak face as she could muster given the circumstances. “I’m glad you called.”

Even Atton was surprised by his own words, feeling heat rush to his face as they escaped his mouth almost unbidden.

“You did the calling,” Eden reminded him, not hiding her smile now, though she looked downright mischievous as she eyed her new hand, “Remember?”

“Yeah, well,” Atton began, readying the first card of the game as he tried to shrug nonchalantly, “You sent me that god awful play first, I had no choice.”

“Right,” Eden said, smirking now.

“I thought you said you needed a distraction?” Atton conceded, waving a hand about impatiently, putting on a show. Eden laughed, so much easier now than when he’d first called, than she’d been in weeks, even. “You know I’m always happy to oblige.”

Atton thought back to something dumb he’d said on Peragus, cursing when Eden had been fortunate enough to find some clothes and backpeddling like an idiot as he realized he accidentally called her a distraction. Eden was far from a distraction, or anything nearly as trivial, but Atton could be hers, for now… whatever she needed. He owed it to her, if anything.

“Alright, alright,” Eden said, pulling her next card and showing it to Atton. “How’d I do though?”

Atton knew she meant the message, the fact that she’d sent him a play through the Force alone.

“Impressive,” he admitted, still struggling with remnant adrenaline, “I should have known it wasn’t serious when I saw that play, though. Y’know I didn’t expect you to pull out a deck of cards while trying to keep someone like Sleeps-with-Vibroblades out of your mind, so I should have known you were actually looking at your cards, that you weren't actually in danger.”

Atton rubbed his face now, feeling the weight of his worry dissolve into an easy sort of tiredness, thankful that Eden was okay and humbled that she’d thought of him.

“Maybe… do you want to try it again?” Atton paused, putting the idea out there, still somewhat shocked and honored that she had trusted him, that she’d opened the bridge between them and invited him in, even if it was just for a game. “Y’know, as practice?”

Eden bit her lip but watched Atton with a careful eye, “Are you sure?’

Atton nodded, even though he was less sure of the feelings coursing through him - though not for their legitimacy but for what they might do to him, as if he wasn’t already enough of a fool to begin with.

“Alright, I’ll continue my hand in three, two…”

Eden disconnected, her image dissolving into static on the holofeed before she could say one, but just as she would have said it, her play entered Atton’s mind, like a polite rap at the door, only it was Atton’s consciousness that answered with a warm hello and the ghost of a laugh.

Switch the face of the +8/-8 card and… shit.

Atton laughed heartily now, not caring if Bao heard or if Eden could feel it. It was almost as if she were in the room with him, her presence heavy yet ghostly all the same, as if she were there trying not to laugh at his side. It was the calmest Atton had felt in a long while, the pouring rain now a gentle thrum against the duraglass of the cockpit as he mentally pulled his next card. He smiled.

Your turn.

#atton x exile #atton rand #the jedi exile #kotor 2 #long post #my writing #honestly don't feel obligated to read this it is so long I still can't believe I managed to churn this out...

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disasterhumans · 5 years

Text

I had a surprisingly strong reaction to Marisha's inclusion of "I Am Here," on her Beau playlist, so naturally I felt compelled to write a thousand words about it.

I open up my heart You can love me or not There's no such thing as sin Let it all come right in

Marisha chose this song as Beau's tribute and remembrance of Molly, and these opening lines certainly reflect something of Molly's general philosophy. As Taliesin has said, "There's a way of both not giving a fuck about what people think, but giving a fuck about people." Molly was always open with his affection, and generous with it. Beau, in contrast, closed herself off from the world as a coping mechanism. She realized just a little too late how much she actually appreciated Molly's openness. We tend to focus on Beau's resolve to "leave places better than she found them," after Molly's death, but I think her increased vulnerability, and willingness to be emotionally supportive (even when she hides it behind bravado) in recent episodes has also been a result of a shift in perspective prompted by Molly's death.

I wanna make some mistakes, I wanna sleep in the mud

We know from things both Marisha and Beau have said that Beau has internalized the idea that she's a "fuck up." The desire to "make some mistakes," is probably fraught for Beau. It's one way you could characterize her criminal past and her general rebelling against her father. But there's also a part of her that's always just a little bit terrified that she's going to prove everyone's worst suspicions about her correct. I think she wants the freedom to be able to fuck up sometimes without it meaning that she is a fuck up. That's something that's come up a few times in smaller moments (Twiggy: I don't really make the best decisions, Beau: I can relate; "Oh no! My actions affect other people!" from episode 45). Beau has been working hard to "leave every place better than she found it," but she's also been better at cutting herself some slack, and leaving herself room to make mistakes and learn in the process ("Having one transformative experience doesn't mean you're going to be better overnight. Being better is something you have to work at, I guess," from ep 36). She doesn't generally excoriate herself when she makes a mistake, but she'll acknowledge it and try to move forward from there. This has actually been true since before episode 26/7. Her whole "learning to be polite" thing with Fjord carried across several episodes, and included her 1) willingly deciding she needed to apologize to Caleb (even though Fjord didn't really think she needed to), and 2) knowing she would need help in the execution, and then asking for it. And while Beau's general demeanor hasn't changed, it's so apparent how much those "lessons," did really help with Beau's ability to interact with people. (I'm still not over the fact that Beau apologized roughly five times in episode 45, and all of them were genuine.)

I wanna swim in the flood, I wanna fuck til I'm done I like whiskey on ice, I like sun in my eyes

These lines reflect something of both Molly's and Beau's approaches to life. Beau once told Jester and Caleb that all she wants to do is "make a ton of money and drink a lot of booze, “ (ep 11). But where Molly's hedonism was in some part due to a "life is short," mentality, Beau's pursuit of happiness and simple pleasures has something of a desperate edge to it. (As Marisha puts it: "She has never had an extended moment of happiness her whole life, and she's still searching for it.")

It's also worth noting here that one of the ways Beau chose to honor Molly's memory was to have a lot of sex. Learning how to “open up [her] heart,” in order to truly appreciating the joy of living in the world is just as important a thing for Beau to be striving for as her dedication to leaving places better than she found them. While it’s true that the two times Beau has (canonically) had sex didn’t really involve emotional connection (debatable in regards to Keg, though), I think they still represented her trying to break down some of her walls. Would Beau have felt compelled enough to proposition Keg if Molly hadn’t passed? I don’t think there’s a way to know the answer to that question, but it certainly seemed to factor into her decision in the moment.

I wanna burn it all down, so let's start a fire I wanna be lost, so lost that I'm found Naked and laughing with my blood on the ground

Much as Beau claims to have no real goals or motivations, she's clearly ready to fuck shit up and tear shit down when presented the opportunity. She has an almost knee-jerk opposition to authority in any and all forms (except maybe Fjord's captaining). It's one of the things that draws her to Dairon and the Expositors. I think it's part of what motivated her to help the Knights of Requital (even if she was also significantly motivated by money), and it's what made her such a terrifying (if somewhat unexpected) adversary to Avantika. Just because Beau is trying to commit herself to putting good into the world doesn't mean it's not going to come with a fair amount of chaos and destruction (e.g. freeing the Marid).

I am here, I am here I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near I am here, I am here All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I love that the song Marisha chose for Beau's memory of Molly is so much about being present in the face of tragedy. "I am here," can mean so many things. It can be a declaration of presence, or of defiance and resolve ("all of the this wrong, but I'm still right here"). For Beau, there may even be some survivor's guilt mixed in. She's still "here" when Molly isn't, because he was trying to protect her. What are the chances even a small part of her believes she doesn't deserve to be here?

Regardless, one thing remains: the worst has happened, but Beauregard is made of tenacity. Murder and kidnap her friends and she'll all but kill you with her bare hands. Beau may not be caring or soft in traditional ways, but she's fiercely protective of her friends and committed to keeping them safe.

I don't have the answers but the question is clear Let me ask you Where does everybody go when they go?

In Marisha's write-up for this song, she writes, "[this was Beau's] first real lesson that in this world and in this life that they're living, if you hold onto something that you want to say to someone, you might lose the opportunity forever, at any moment." This leads me to believe that this is the first time Beau has really had to grapple with the death of someone close to her. Even if Beau intellectually understands what death "is," actually wrestling with the knowledge that someone is just gone is a lot to process. I'm honestly not sure whether this would be easier or harder to grapple with in a world where there's proof of gods and an afterlife. I would imagine that people still wonder "where do you go when you die," and I don't think those answers would feel any clearer even if they factually exist.

May the light be upon me May I feel in my bones that I am enough I can make anywhere home

"My I feel in my bones that I am enough," is one of the lines that prompted me to write this post to begin with. I kept wanting to pick a favorite bit of the song before realizing how well all of it fits Beau. But this line, specifically, breaks my heart precisely because we know that Beau doesn't think she's enough. In fact, she often seems to be afraid of the very prospect--she feels compelled to couch her good intentions and kind gestures in self-effacing bravado and deprecation. She so desperately wants to be "enough," but is so used to being too much, or too abrasive for others that she has a tendency to put up walls to mask how much she seeks validation. The Mighty Nein--and Fjord and Jester in particular--were the first people to see past that and accept it. Fjord and Jester are also particularly good at seeing past her tough exterior in her more genuine moments (e.g. Fjord recognizing when Beau's actually being nice, even when it comes across as sarcastic; or Jester understanding what Beau is offering when she tries to downplay her ability to be a 'best friend,' in episode 46). Of the Mighty Nein, Beau has the fewest emotional ties to a given "home," (with the possible exception of Fjord), and has clearly decided that the Mighty Nein--wherever they are, and wherever they might go--are her home.

I can think of one thousand places much worse than this

And who wants to bet that even in their scariest moments, everything she's encountered with the Mighty Nein is still vastly better than where she started out?

#critical role #beauregard #cr playlist #cr meta #i realize this is like a month overdue #but as it turns out the holidays are pretty overwhelming when you work in retail #and i didn't have the time to write as much as i wanted to during the break #((love realizing hours after posting this that i mispelled the cr tag))

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petite--craft · 3 years

Text

Wow, more than a half of a year was a complete disaster for me.

The good thing is that I got officially diagnosed with ADHD but my ADHD and anxiety got so terrible that made me unable to work.

First things first I just after my birthday in September I got to know that my father has cancer. I was in debt and in retail job that harmed me physically and I was struggling because it's hard for me to spend eight hours in a mask. I live in the other part of the country I didn't have money, I had troubles with my roommate and I couldn't do anything. Then my whole family caught Covid. Luckily all of them survived but as far as all of them in the risk group I was afraid to be left alone in this world. And I got troubles at work, so I thought that the world is falling apart around me.

Then right beween those problems I was trying to apply to other jobs and quit and just got into training for a distant job - I was asked to move out. In a rush I found a good apartment with nice roommates where I live til this day. But then I got to know that my dad's canser is worse.

While I was struggling and having breakdowns with learning, had hard time even reading I kept up with my new job, even took some freelance stuff so I could afford my rent and give presents to my friends on New Year. And then just as January has come I've received normal amount of money I sent some to my parents and I got to know that it was not enough for dad's medication. So I just randomly asked people in the internet to help out if they are able to and I was amazed by the amount of generous people. And when my dad recieved money he (the man who rarely cries) cried a little.

All of this time while I was having the training was nervous if they hire me or not so I was little anxious. Because I've seen that some with whom I've started - are already fully hired.

Then when I was not a trainee anymore my anxiety has started kicking since "if you don't pass this test - you are fired", "if you don't get 90something score - you are on trial" and right before my test my mom is hospitalized. I was a near death operation. On Monday just before my working day she wrote me goodbye words. And since then my anxiety was all the way around me.

It took a while for her to recover but it all was so painful.

I was struggling with my ADHD again, and again and again. And anxiety made it worse. I finally was able to balance on March since I got only on project and signed up for my ADHD diagnoses. I thought it will be revealing. Then I've started overthinking maybe I am not ADHD and I just made it up - and then my braid just stopped working. So I thought "If that's not ADHD I don't even fucking know".

And then my ADHD, anxiety and depression got all confirmed.

That did not make it easier though.

I got to the point where I did things others do - threew times slower. I've lost my focus at all. I also realized that for three month I was having problems with eating: I've lost my appetite and had stomach ache like during food poisoning. But only on the wrking days.

They quality of my work got worse and worse that I've just cliet complaints for the typos. My eyesight got blurry. Every time I had to write a report or there was a Quality Assurance - I had a panic attack. Once I've nealy puke on the laptop.

My score got extremely low so I had to tell my team lead. I was surprised how she and project manager were compassionate to me. They've suggested me to take some time off.

I couldn't find the right specialist that would work with ADHD and then while looking for a psychiatrist I went at my parents because I needed this. I hadn't seen them in more than year and a half. Then luckily I found the doctor. She is amazing, she confirmed my ADHD and anxiety, prescribed me some meds and warned that it might take a while for them to adapt and let's see if it won't get worse. I said at work that I might not adapt right away but I will catch up. They gave me a week to adapt and then after two days they got a call where they say that they fire me.

The most painful in that is that I don't know if I could do anything with my ADHD because I can't rely on myself. My AHDH is not a superpower. I am 26. I am an anxious job-hopper who can't support herself. And I don't know if it will ever change.

Also, life, give me a cashback or something! I am tired of this shit!

#personal #adhd

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zaneymark-blog · 6 years

Text

~ Sterling and Zane

~ When: After reading Zane’s secret shared to Rita.

Zane trailed off as he once again just answered with “I don’t know.” Truly he didn’t know why he had sent that. It was not something one should do when coming to that realization or admitting it for the first time. But it was done, he was stuck. It was out there now.

Sterling: took a moment, taking the words in. "So..." he finally said, "it's not just a rumor then? Like...you said this yourself?"

Zane could only nod in response. Denying it would be a blatant lie. “Yeah. I did. I shouldn’t have but I did.”

Sterling: shifted on his feet. This is exactly what he had feared. Having everyone know he had egg on his face. And right after they'd become official too. This couldn't have been before they told everyone they were together? Shortest relationship ever. "Okay, so...what? You just want to be friends then?"

Zane looked at sterling in confusion. “No?” He still wanted to be in a relationship, have that person in his life. He just didn’t want to have sex. Sex didn’t make a relationship, right? “Unless you do. Which I understand if you do.” If this immediate shift back to being just friends happened each time he came out, well maybe he’d have to just be prepared to be alone forever. He really hoped sterling wouldn’t say yes to his question, but he wasn’t too optimistic.

Sterling: furrowed his eyebrows, confusion on his face. His expression mimicked Zane's. "I--I don't understand. You said you didn't want to be with anyone."

Zane nodded at sterling’s statement. “I did. In that I don’t wanna have sex with anyone. Not that I don’t want to have the rest of it all.”

Sterling: "All the rest of it? All the rest of what? I don't...if you don't want...sex...then what makes me different from...Pippa? From anyone else?"

Zane furrowed his eyebrows as he thought of a calm way to respond. “The rest of it. The emotions. The connection that goes beyond just physical.” At the question about pippa and anyone else, he couldn’t stop the return question of, “well I don’t just go around kissing and spending time with anyone, do I? Is this just a physical thing to you?” Was that all sterling wanted from him? Was it just lust?

Sterling: "Couldn't you have that with anyone else? The emotional connection? Isn't that what you have with friends?" Sterling was probably digging himself into a hole, although he had failed to grasp that just then. For a long time he just wanted someone to make him feel special. Someone who made him feel like he was more than just another face in the crowd. This feeling only increased tenfold after he transitioned. "But--isn't kissing physical? I'm sorry, I just don't understand what's going on between us..."

Zane frowned, “yeah I guess I could have that with anyone. If I felt that way about them. But I don’t. And feelings and love are different than sex. Sex isn’t love. And yes kissing is physical I guess but I don’t want to do anything with anyone’s,” he paused for a moment before taking a deep breath to continue. “You know what. It doesn’t matter. The statement stands. I. Don’t. Want. Sex.”

Sterling: was surprised at the forcefulness of his words. It almost felt like an accusation. "I wasn't ever asking you to have sex, Zane."

Zane sighed. “I know you weren’t. But it seems like you don’t believe me. Or that relationships can work without it. Emotions should be enough.” He didn’t want to think of what it would mean for him if no one else believed that.

Sterling: "So...you still want to be in a relationship but you don't want to do anything physical? Ever...?"

Zane nodded. “Yeah. That about sums it up.”

Sterling: "How am I supposed to know if...?" Sterling cleared his throat. "I mean...how can I tell if the emotional stuff is...real? How do I know if you're faking it?" He watched Zane carefully. At the back of his mind, thoughts and insecurities were mingling. He tried to hold them off, because something inside of him told him that he'd be a shitty himan being if he didn't accept Zane for who he was. But that hardly kept the thoughts at bay. Before he transitioned, his body was a huge source of discomfort. Of disgust. After he transitioned...he felt better, sure, but there was still those scars. The sign of the mask he'd worn for so long. Plus, words at the back of his head--telling him what was real about himself and what wasn't. Thay he was ugly, deformed, mutilated. He would tell himself that one day hed find someone who would love his body and who would, in turn, make him love his body--scars and all. It suddenly felt like that would never happen. That he'd always be ugly to himself.

Zane rolled his eyes at the other man “you could just bloody well trust that what I am saying is true.”

Sterling: 's eyes didn't waver. "People can lie." He, for one, knew all about that. Which probably didn't make things better for his sake.

Zane sighed, “have you known me to lie? Especially about stuff like that.”

Sterling: "Okay, okay. Sorry. I'm just confused and thrown off. I mean...you just kind of sprung this one me. And not just me--but the whole school. I mean, if this is just a friendship, why did you lump me in with everyone else? You didn't even come to me. You sent it in to a gossip...I'm--I'm just trying to understand. I need some time to wrap my head around it."

Zane shook his head. “I was terrified to tell you. And it’s not just a friendship. Or at least it wasn’t to me. Did you think it was a relationship even though we haven’t had sex? Why does that change if sex just never happens. ‘Oh you reached your no sex time limit to be considered a relationship, please pay the sex fee to continue playing’”. He knew that he had to get it if there before he really started to either yell or sob or both. “Take all the time you need, you’ll have plenty of it when youre getting the hell out of dodge.” He couldn’t stop himself now as he started to obviously cry.

Sterling: shook his head, eyes wide. "That's not what I'm saying, Zane. I'm saying why didn't you tell me personally? Or come to me before you went to the whole school? Shouldn't you, I don't know, talk to the person you're in relationship and not just put them in with the rest of the crowd?" Sterling quickly averted his eyes, uncomfortable and with no idea what he was supposed to do. He wasn't go with emotions. He wasn't good with people crying. And he felt like shit that he was the one making Zane cry. Suddenly, he snapped to attention. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Zane laughed, tears still in his eyes, “you’re one to talk about telling the person you’re with stuff before going to a gossip and telling the whole school. You’re leaving after graduation. Graduation is only a few months away. Were you going to tell me. Or were you waiting til we were together for months, maybe had sex a few times, and saying it’s been nice. See ya.”

Sterling: shook his head. "That's not the same at all, first of all. Second of all, I mentioned it to you over Christmas break."

Zane scoffed, took a deep breath and tried, and failed, to calm down. “Ha is it neet the syem?... I divvint remembor that. When did ye tell me.” What he did remember though was that Rita had said something about sterling having a secret. Surely it couldn’t be the one he aired himself that Zane had read. “Wot else does Skeeter apparently knar that ah divvint. If we’re havin issues wi’ keeping secrets, meet as well air them aal noo.”

Sterling: sucked his a deep breath through the nose. He was, already, not great wuth people who were upset. It somehow seemed even worse with Zane. He felt sick, he felt ashamed. When Zane's accent kicked in, he listened as close as he could to get as much as he could from his words. "Because I mostly said it to get the bitch off my back. She's a vile woman, Zane. She has no right airing other people's secrets before they're ready to be told. It's despicable. And I--I don't have a lot of secrets, in general I think I'm pretty open. But I do have secrets and they are mine. And I wasn't going to let her put one of them out there before I was ready. It was the only thing I thought I could say that would get her to shut her trap." He paused. "When we met up. I told you I didn't knkw what was going to happen after graduation and that I didn't expect to see anyone after I left Hogwarts. I'm pretty sure I mentioned it another time, too." Sterling froze. What a cunt. He gave her something but she still waved his secrets around like candy. As if she had a right. As if it wasn't a violation of privacy. As if these things were hers to break. Sterling shook his head and backed away. "There's nothing.:

Zane shook his head, before whispering, "Ah thowt that wes wot everyone said abyeut life eftor graduation. neet expectin tuh see people from schyeul still. neet that yas leavin. yee just said yee had secrets that are yoors an' ah respect that, but ah telt mine this wa cos ah nivvor wud hev otherwise."

Sterling: looked away once again. "Okay. Fine." He shook his head for a few beats. "What does this mean then? You don't want me to touch you? No more cuddling or kissing or making-out?"

Zane let his head drop forward before looking back up and shaking his head. "Ah wud hev telt yee if that wasn't okay. ah leek that aspect iv a relationship. just divvint tek off me pants an' toich me knob an' divvint expect the syem from me an' we'd be fine."

Sterling: ran his hands through his hair, trying to keep up. "Okay."

Zane smiled, something he was not thinking he would do during this interaction only minutes prior. "Okay." He sighed when he realized that Sterling had literally only said okay. "But if you need time, or need to end this, I understand.”

Sterling: flashed him a look. "It's new information, okay? People need time to fucking process things."

Zane sighed, "Unless you were having those kinds of dreams about me and imagining our first time regularly, I don't see why it would be hard to process."

Sterling: "You don't have to be a dick about it, Zane."

Zane , eyes widening in surprise. "Oh Merlin. you have. I'm sorry."

Sterling: "What?"

Zane "what?"

Sterling: "What do you mean?"

Zane "Nevermind. I'm trying to avoid that."

Sterling: "Avoid what?"

Sterling: "I'm not talking about the sex, Zane. I'm talking about you treating me like a bloody moron for not immediately understanding and being cool with it. Like it's common fucking knowledge. Like I've ever heard of it before."

Zane "So I what, like ruined the image you had of me in your brain? And it's not common knowledge, that's why I admitted it all at once, I guess. The statement is pretty bloody clear."

Sterling: "You haven't ruined anything, Zane. I just don't like being talked down to. Jesus H. Christ. Whatever." Sterling turned to walk away.

Zane "And I don't like being called a liar."

Sterling: "No one called you a liar.”

Zane "Really? You did earlier. And all that says to me is that emotions don't mean anything unless you follow it up with actions. And I'm sorry but that's not going to happen from me."

Sterling: "I didn't call you a liar. I was just asking some questions to understand. So that I can see the difference between me and everyone else. What, is that a fucking crime?"

Zane shook his head before blurting out, "You really want to know the difference between you and everyone else? I fucking love you, okay. I do." he finished before backing away from the other man and starting to turn as if to run. He hadn't meant to blurt that out, But he did.

Sterling: 's entire body radiated shock. It was just in his eyes or his mouth, but also in his shoulders and brows. In his chest, in his hair. "What?" He asked dumbly. Like he was dead or hard of hearing. What was he supposed to do now? What should he say. "I--I didn't know you felt that way about me." Embarrassed and his face ablaze with red blush, Sterling away. His throat tightened. He rubbed the back of his neck until it, too, was red. Now was a bad time to be horrible at emotions, that was the one thing Sterling was sure of.

Zane stopped when he heard Sterling respond, not turning back to the other man at first. After a few moments, he turned back and saw that Sterling was red. Great, now he embarrassed the man. Or angered him. "I didn't mean to say that out loud. I mean it's true, but now wasn't the time to do that." Unable to continue looking at the other man, he lowered his gaze to the floor, "But now you know. Really everything there is to know."

Sterling: said only this. "Come here, Zane."

Zane was unable to stop the tears as they returned. Feeling shaky, head hanging down, Zane took a few small steps towards Sterling.

Sterling: Sterling reach up high, a little on his toes at this point, and wrapped his arms around Zane's neck.

Zane fully broke down sobbing into the other man's shoulder when he was wrapped up in a hug. "I'm sorry." he couldn't help but say.

Sterling: stroked the hair in the back of Zane's head, being careful. "What are you sorry for?"

Zane "putting all of this on you at once. And crying. And putting all of this on you at once."

Sterling: "It's fine, Zane."

Zane taking a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down, he began to pull away from the hug. "It's not fine. I need- I should- I’m going to give you whatever time you need to process this. And if you even want to stay together...or even- eve- even stay friends, then we'll talk I guess." He laughed slightly and sniffled when the next thing popped into his head, "It's really really really not you. It's me."

Sterling: "Cliché, Zane. And we're talking now."

Zane "O-okay.." he trailed off, clearly waiting for Sterling to continue.

Sterling: "I'm not breaking up with you or anything." He paused. "But that doesn't mean...that it isn't hard. I'm not going to lie to you and say everything is peachy. It's hard for me. I'm not...you know I'm not good at emotions. I'm better at showing how I feel than saying it. So actions mean...a lot to me. Especially because--there's just some situations that make me feel like...I'm...oh, I don't even know how to say it without saying like an asshole. I'm just tried of feeling ugly, I guess. I'm tired of feeling like I'm never going to be enough or that--that my...my body isn't...attractive or--" his voice broke off and he had to swallow to continue, "or that it isn't right. Uhm...and I don't know if I can ever get over that if I don't have the physical attention I've akways yearned for in a relationship. If I were someone else--if you were with someone else...it would be different. But I'm me, you know? I always pictured thay one day I'd be okay because someone, eventually, would not just love me for me, but for how I look and my body. I know this probably sucks for you to hear, and like I said, I'm not breaking up with you, but I have to say this now and not let it build up."

Zane "So you aren't breaking up with me now, but probably will in the future. That's all I'm hearing." he paused to reach up and swipe at his eyes with the back of his hand. "And your body is attractive, and your face is. And your personality is..to me anyway. I have eyes and can see that you are attractive, and if I wanted that with someone, I would for sure want that with you. I'd want that with you because you're you. But if all this is is a placeholder until you find what you want or what you need, then I'm sorry. I can't do that. Neither of us deserve it." As much as it killed him to say that, he needed to. He wasn't going to be okay enough until something better came along.

Sterling: "That's not what I'm saying. And I know you don't find me attractive, Zane. You /just/ told me you only care about my personality. If you were just a placeholder I sure as hell wouldn't be here. You think I have time or desire to waste my time on something that's just mediocre? No. Fuck that. I wouldn't even consider standing here if that's how I bloody felt."

Zane "What did I say about calling me a liar?"

Sterling: "What?"

Zane "I do care about your personality, don't get me wrong. And I find the emotional connection the be the most important thing, I did say those things. But I do find you attractive. I can see that you are good looking. I am attracted to you emotionally, and intellectually, and your face is really nice to look at. I like that you are smaller than me, but still strong. What I define as my attraction to someone is mine to define, so don't tell me I'm lying."

Sterling: "Jesus. I literally found out about this whole sexuality thing ten minutes ago, Zane. I don't know all the bloody intricacies of it."

Zane "Then how about you ask me when you don't know things. Rather than assuming. And I will tell you if I'm uncomfortable or just not feeling it. You just have to trust me. Trust that I'm not lying to you."

Sterling: "Okay. I'm sorry." He looked away.

Zane shook his head before moving to wrap his arms around the shorter man. Kissing him on the side of his head he sighed. “So are we okay?”

Sterling squeezed Zane slightly. "Yes." A pause. "Can I...still kiss you and cuddle?"

Zane grinned and nodded. “Absolutely”.

Sterling: "What about making out?"

Zane “Yeah. Like we have. There might be a limit that makes itself known at some point of what is too much. But in general yes.”

Sterling: nodded. "Okay."

Zane “want me to prove it to you?”

Sterling: "You don't have to prove anything, Zane. I believe you."

Zane “what if I want to prove it to you.”

Sterling: smiled. "I wouldn't be opposed to it."

Zane grinned “then let me prove it to you then,” as he moved to grab sterlings hand and lead him away,

Sterling: squeezed his hand, following him.

END.

#convo:sterling #what a rollercoaster #1x1

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