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blues-valentine · 8 months

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HSMTMTS: Ricky’s story arc as told by his songs. From I Think I Kinda You Know to Love You Forever (Part 2).

I’ve been thinking about how every song Ricky has performed on the show (my focus will be mostly on the original songs) tell us what his journey has been in the course of the show.

Ricky’s journey has been about changes and the future, leaving his childhood behind, how his parents relationship affects his own as well as the ability to be emotionally open. How he viewed love at the start of the show vs how he views love now. About new starts. About how happiness is a process and something he also needs to create for himself. And his songs reflect this journey very well. For this post. I'll focus on Season 1 and Season 2 for Part 1.

Read Part 1

As a continuation to my analysis on Ricky and the songs narrating his journey on the series. I mentioned how Season 2 closes part of Ricky’s arc with Second Chance. A song that in Ricky’s side talks about moving on after a relationship ends (Nini) and finding new beginnings. He also finishes the season saying he isn’t sure of who he is yet but it’s getting towards happiness. He had understood to an extent a lot of things and how he reacted to them wasn’t healthy for himself and those people in his life. Season 3 opens a new chapter for Ricky to start again but as an improved version of himself. It is his “second chance” in all capacities, which is why I said (x) Season 3 feels like a new start and by putting Ricky in similar situations but having him deal with it differently will show how much he has grown from his past mistakes and fears.

And before we start we have to mention the Lily story line. I think it was clearly a plot device to get to some realization. Ricky thought Lily was a good person that just needed some friends. And he saw an opportunity for something new. But the storyline simply fell flat and it made it seem like an useless rebound instead of giving Ricky (and the audience) a satisfactory arc. She was a copy of Gina 1.0 and I believe Ricky was trying to see Gina in her, and a lot of their parallels (x) feel intentional. And we know by now nothing about Rina is done carelessly. I remember Tim Federle’s interview for the finale saying Ricky is sometimes too naive for his own good. And I am sure the story line was going to make sense but as confirmed by Tim himself a lot of the things in Season 2 were rushed and the finale was rewritten (it was originally going to feature a lot of flashbacks) but the safety precautions due to covid changed those plans. Regardless, I am glad that arc got removed. Lily wasn’t an interesting character and I didn’t want her to take space from other characters. Now, with that out of the way, let’s move on.

Ricky opens this season as well as being given the first song of the season: Finally Free. This song really expands on Second Chance and tell us where Ricky’s mindset is before going to camp: embracing new starts, not going back to the old ways he used to handle all his feelings.

Some important parts: “Give me empty pages, just give me something new” Season 1 Ricky would’ve never wished for something like this. “Breakin' away from the broken hearts (Nini). No more mistakes, no more empty starts (Lily). I'm finally, finally free, finally, finally”. He follows with “Buildin' out from the bottom. Now there's no way to go but up” meaning he has to rebuild himself again. And another one that is important is: “And I'm going down a road that I don’t know. Yeah, I let it take me anywhere but home”. This takes us back to him calling Nini home (at his childhood home) on Season 2 in a matter that felt like attachment to his childhood (and old times) so this references him not going back to that unhealthy mindset.

In a way, all the events that happened lead for Ricky to have this realization. This is the Ricky that could’ve been ready to be with Gina. But Season 1 and Season 2 Ricky wasn’t ready for that and was denying it, when he allows himself to not be afraid of changes, his feelings take a whole new perspective. This is why he is able to understand his feelings for Gina were always deeper than he allowed himself to admit before. And very fitting with the theme, Ricky and Gina vow to just “start over” with their relationship. This season is not just about Ricky rebuilding himself but his relationship with Gina as well.

This season doesn’t have as many solo songs due to the limited episodes, but did a good job in paralleling the overall arc with the roles they were playing for the musical, especially with the “love triangle” (x). Gina represents Anna’s naive perspective on love due to EJ being her first relationship so a lot of her interactions with him felt very rose colored and passive (x). I did said before EJ isn’t exactly Hans but they drew a lot of intentional parallels between them, such as Gina not knowing EJ’s real name (and that line being in the WDYKAL duet about Hans). Ricky representing Kristoff in a way that he is also learning a new way to love someone. Plus, them having Gina and EJ dress like the actual characters in a dream like sequence was very much in the nose about those references.

In this season, Ricky is starting to discover the intensity of his feelings for Gina but he handles it very differently from Season 1. He isn’t trying to cross lines but remaining respectful of her relationship with EJ. I already spoke about how this is an intentional contrast to showcase Ricky’s growth (x). From trying to help both of them, from apologizing to Gina when he feels like his feelings might’ve been too obvious. To selflessly be there for Gina, because he is now discovering love isn’t selfish or has some gain. Love is about sacrifice, sometimes putting the person you love first despite what might come.

Now, here it comes Ricky and Gina’s first duet: What Do You Know About Love. It seems fitting for them because in a way, it reflects how they perceive love at that moment. In the song Anna has a very rose colored perception of love. She thinks it’s worth it even when they clearly aren’t on the same page and she’s idealizing it, and for Kristoff, love isn’t easy, and it requieres a lot of commitment. Ricky and Gina’s version is a lot more flirtier than the Broadway version, but the question “what do you know about love?” is what they ultimately learn from each other.

In the following episodes, Ricky helps Gina plan her promposal to EJ, despite his own feelings. I saw someone saying that a lot of Gina’s season 2 heartbreak was about thinking it was never going to be between her and Ricky. And a lot of Ricky’s heartbreak on Season 3 comes from regret, from letting Gina walk away, from letting something great slip through his fingers. At this point, he can’t turn back time but it’s willing to be there for her in any capacity Gina allows him to be. In the 60’s prom episode, Ricky could’ve told her what he feels for her but realized that it would be selfish to do this to Gina when she’s harboring her own heartbreak. His own growth has been great to watch throughout Season 3.

I also love how Ricky’s sub-plot involving the bucket list he wrote when he was a child of things to do before turning 18 is a metaphor to leaving his childhood and entering adulthood. I already spoke (x) how Nini being the person to help him complete his very last item represents how Nini was his childhood and him only ever getting with Gina when that transition has been done is very important for him as a character.

And this isn’t a Ricky solo, but I just love how this moment and this lyrics are used exactly for this scene because this is the moment Gina realizes it’s always going to be Ricky and what also makes her realize that she isn’t getting the love she deserves or wants for herself with EJ.

As all of us theorized, with WDYKAL, Ricky was going to sing “Kristoff’s Lullaby” because is a direct response to the duet. And he did. This is probably his most important solo song from the season because it puts into words what he feels for Gina and how much she has changed what he thinks about love. I’ve explained this before. (x) Gina has represented change from the very moment she came in (and she was described as such multiple times). She was new, different, and represented the changes Ricky was afraid of. But what they didn’t know is that they are able to give each other what the other needs. Gina made him put into perceptive the idea that he can move forward, that he can deal with his life falling into different directions. Gina has made him understand that he can and will be ready for when changes knock at his door because loving her isn’t about holding back.

Important parts from the song are: “You light the world for me. You live life fearlessly, braver than the bravest of us do. You trust, you hope, you dare. You choose to feel and care. I thought that I was strong 'til I bumped into you” I think this is the perfect way to describe Gina’s effect on Ricky’s life and how brave Gina has been about her feelings for Ricky despite her fear about forming attachments. And I’ve always said “Everything I thought I did. You've gone and changed it, kid. You're what I know about love.” is really the climax of the song and by Ricky singing this directly to Gina (while Nini is also on the audience) is makes a full circle. (x)

This season, Ricky learned to love theater and commit to it, not just because he enjoys it but because he wanted Gina to shine. He created a good friendship with the group, as opposed to Season 2, where he was disconnected to the drama club he now has his own space within. He called himself “a theater guy” and was able to guide Jet towards it. He knew Jet had to find a place to help him cope with his home life and Ricky’s arc comes to a sweet full circle for this.

Ricky ends the season in such a good place. He has grown a lot and allowed things to just be. I like the fact he remained respectful of Gina, even when his feelings were quiet obvious. And I spoke about how important it is that their relationship started by Gina setting her own boundaries. She needed to set the lines and be like “I have feelings for you but I am also okay if it doesn’t happen between us” because a lot of Gina’s journey on Season 3 was about coming into herself and discovering her expectations in a relationship. Her telling him what she feels for him but not allowing it to weight her down and it being a parallel to 206 was also intentional. It was also important for Ricky. He needed that reassurance and initiative to finally give it his all. As he proves on Season 4, he knows and now learned his lesson. He is committed to not mess things up with her. He is committed to improve.

Season 3 ends with Ricky and Gina’s right time. Both on the same page. It was important for them to experience all of that individual journey to get together in a romantic relationship that can be fulfilling and healthy for them both.

Season 4 starts the season with Ricky and Gina in a very happy relationship. You can see that Ricky is motivated to share things with her and do things for them as a couple. A lot of Ricky and Gina’s relationship works because they embrace each other’s personalities and love languages. Gina encourages and reciprocates Ricky’s dorky behavior. As I said, she doesn’t feel suffocated by it like Nini (x) but she wants that level of commitemment and gestures.

At the start of the season, Ricky and Gina are keeping their relationship a secret because Gina is worried about the negative comments from people (mostly her mom) and she doesn’t want the bubble they’ve built together to crash. It’s understandable that we know how controlling her mom is. Ricky agrees despite his own fears. In the first episodes, we can see that a lot is changing for Gina in a way that might take her away from Ricky. This is an opportunity for him to be tested by old insecurities but make it right and not going back to his old tendencies. So, instead of trying to hold Gina back and wishing for the opportunities to disappear, he is happy, encouraging and supportive despite the odds. This thing is reflected in their very first original duet and song of the season: Maybe This Time.

It’s a song about hoping this is the right time for them to get it right after all of the missed opportunities between them and their old relationships. They’re finally in a place where they can be together but as foreshadowing for the season a lot of things are going to change and threaten the stable place they’ve created. But not matter what the future holds they promise to be together and enjoy the ride instead of trying to control the uncertain future.

Part of the lyrics: “Maybe this time is all that we get but we've still got lots to figure out. I’d love to control what happens next I'll give you my all right now. Don't look back, just pull me closer. Hands up on this rollercoaster”. I explained (x) but having Ricky and Gina deal with similar experiences in their past relationships is to not just show how much they’ve grown and learned but also to show how committed they are to be together and be with each other as a team.

In 403, Ricky experiences a bit of insecurities over Mack but despite that he prepares a date with Gina and also apologizes for the comment he made where he sort of dismissed the impact Mack’s show had on Gina’s childhood. It might have been silly but I think it shows Ricky’s self awareness and that he takes seriously all of the things that make Gina happy. In the following episodes, Ricky tries to be supportive of Gina’s life changing opportunities and trying to find a way to make it easier for her to handle both the musical and the movie, but it starts getting a bit too overwhelming and when he finds out Gina hasn’t told her mom about them, it awakens his insecurities. This is where Speak Out comes. Although it is supposed to be for EJ to also speak about his fears, it’s about how Ricky hasn’t said some things out loud, how his mom abandonment issues have created a lot of fears into his life and has made him feel like he isn’t enough of a reason for someone to stay.

Part of the lyrics are: “I'm so sick of my past breakin' me like glass shackled by my emotion.” (…) “Don't wanna walk away from this. Don't wanna be a sinkin' ship. The anchor on my tongue won't let me swim. Don't wanna waste a moment more. Don't know what I've been waitin' for. I'll never get a chance like this again.”

I think this moment was an outlet for Ricky to speak about things that are the root of his insecurities. How his mom decided she wanted a new life in a new city and left Ricky. How Nini didn’t think Ricky was enough for her and even how emotionally difficult it must’ve been for him to hear The Rose song and how Ricky’s entire attempts makes her feel trapped. The reason Ricky was running away is because he thought Gina was also going to leave him for bigger and better things and didn’t want to anticipate it. He never thought he is enough of a reason to stay because frankly, no one had really taken Ricky seriously or believed in his potential, except for Miss Jenn and Gina.

After that much needed conversation with EJ, Ricky goes to see Gina only to see her with Mack. I feel like in Ricky’s mind, he feels like she decided and he’s nothing compared to him. Luckily, Gina sees him and runs after him and tells him she has told his mom about them. I feel like people don’t understand that since a lot of Ricky’s fears have to do with him feeling like he isn’t good enough to be a secure option he doesn’t except people to actually chose him. In his relationship with Gina, he puts efforts but so does Gina for him. She wants him in her life and in her dreams. He isn’t an obstacle or stops her from achieving those dreams, he’s always been a motivation for Gina to pursue them.

In the last episodes, there’s still so many things Ricky has to address, not just about Gina but his college plans and their future. At this point, he has convinced himself that Gina most likely will go to chase her dreams and that it doesn’t involve him. He learned his lesson before, he told Nini he wanted her to stay only for that to be reasonably met with distaste. But the thing is, all of Ricky’s gestures where always meant to be received by Gina, who wants to be asked to stay. I explained this before. Had Ricky asked Gina to stay, she would have done it. But I love how she didn’t have to chose between her need for stability and her wants to be successful.

407 is great at paralleling Troy and Gabriela’s dilemma with Ricky and Gina’s very own issues. “Scream” comes at the moment Ricky is torn between letting Gina go and his unclear future. He feels time is running out. Later, we have them singing Right Here Right Now, a song about how the future is coming soon and they should make every second last. In a way, it also parallels Maybe This Time but less hopeful.

And as an expectacular full circle moment, Ricky says in his speech how thankful he is about the drama club changing his life and getting him through a hard situation. As of Season 1, Ricky came in being a cynical skate rat that didn’t seem to have many friends and was pessimist about love. It didn’t seem like he had hobbies or prospects outside of skating. He had a very troubling home life and dealing with a lot of anxiety. His relationship with Nini was in the verge of ending like his parents relationship and so were his last remainders of childhood. He had to let go of things that were holding him back and accepting of changes and by the end of Season 4 we have seen Ricky become a man in so many ways. He basically let his childhood go by the end of Season 3. And this final season was about him asking questions about his own future and how that would look like for him.

And we are finally here with “Love You, Forever”. The last song Ricky Bowen ever sings on the show and how perfect of a full circle moment it is for his growth. It starts and it ends in the same place: the auditorium. Just in very different situations and a whole new Ricky.

He starts Season 1 singing “I Think I Kinda You Know” to Nini but being unable to say I love you to her face or in front of people. Mostly because his own insecurities involving his parents and how he wasn’t secure enough. I also said that when he finally did say I love you, it was still swimming in his fears of attachment and his parents divorce. It was a confession that felt like desperation to hold onto something steady and safe. And he does say this with “not net, not fear, right here in this moment”. But now, Ricky sings Love You Forever to Gina, and this time very clearly saying the words “I am in love” and “I love you” to her face and in front of his friends (and the world). He say it because he not longer associates love with something scary and that’s also thanks to Gina. He isn’t saying it to Gina to make her stay either. He is saying it because he feels it. He doesn’t know what the future holds (at that point he didn’t even know Gina changed the movie location to SLC) but he loves her and he isn’t afraid of saying it despite the unknown circumstances.

The lyrics says it all: “I been wishin' on a fallin' star for too long. I been runnin', I don't know what from but you and I've become a sacred kinda home. I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love and I know it. No net, no fear right here in this moment. I've never been more sure of what I got, yeah. Cause this is so much more than puppy love, so. I'll say it first, no matter what the cost. Here I am, full heart, full stop. I love you” and one important lyric that didn’t make it to the show but is in the full version: “I never knew that I could feel so sure and so strong how can three old words feel so brand new? Ooh, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love and I know it. Mm, so rare, so real right here in this moment. I've never been more sure of what I got. And I'm starin' at the only thing I want, so” because as I said, it’s not just about him saying I love you to Gina and being sure about it but to tell his parents and his friends. Gina’s love has made Ricky so much more emotionally open.

I would describe Ricky’s journey like this:

Season 1: Attachement, fear of changes and sticking to the status quo. Season 2: Denial, isolation, reconning and letting go. Season 3: embracing new beginnings, self improvement and passage to adulthood. Season 4: Growing, learning and embracing the future.

Ricky’s arc has always been incredible because it’s something that took time and effort. Ricky’s arc wasn’t a 180 of one season, it came with ups and downs until he finally managed to do it right not just for himself but for those he loves.

#hsmtmts #high school musical the musical the series #gina porter #ricky bowen #ricky x gina #rina #hsmtmts season 4 #hsmtmts s4 #hsmtmts rina #text post #meta #hsmtmts meta

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sansajonquil · 9 months

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I went to the showground today with Leith. I have blue short hair. we are at london, a greying oblivion. We are walking in the grey cloudy sky ; there is pond with green water with swans. I am holding my bible, reading about deutoronomy. the pages have hints of coloured paint on it. leith’s hair is damp from swimming in the water of the pond. I really like some of the passages I listened to, polaris and I just wanna live.

we are spies, he pouring salt water on my face. we are wearing a black gas mask and sometimes snorkel, a tiny black snake, on our nose when in desert showground . there were many rides we saw around us, as we just hung out.

I’m in between the sky and sea ; floating in oblivion.

As we look at each other in grey sepia of the camping ground, who do you trust dances in our eyes - one of us is lying.

akiva is an angel with white grey wings. He is a young mercenary licking the blood from his face with his gloved hands, sighing in reverence. the drop of rain was falling on his face. a drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was praying you and I would end up together. He lands on the ground of the carnival — the crater of the moon — with bare feet ; there is an orange peel lying there.

This bird startled me a bit, when I was interviewing people for my university assignment, flying to where I was. razgut sees him, saying ‘ malak! ‘ he came up from behind me, he seeing I looked like a girl, madrigal. rage fills his eyes, as he thinks this is chimaera trickery. he had seen his love beheaded, the sword kissing her neck close to him. he said, yet agreed to come with me, and to just be careful and his parents to come too. I definitely remember he was okay the entire time of the day.

many moons ago, an angel and demon fell in love ; in eretz. Akiva and Madrigal, that was our names. it was our second year of university. We saw each other multiple times, feathers drifted in our embrace. we hang out at our shrine, celebrating my birthday. he is singing ‘ happy birthday ‘ to me during my library study, I found redemption in our solitude. we are drawing with our coloured pencils on paper, the woodsy smell beautiful.

I met up with leith’s alter, kat creel, when she is singing ‘ you should see me in a crown ‘ on the bed in her room. she has blue hair. She and I are jumping in each other’s beds in our house, she is my sister. As we are jumping, pillow feathers float around them in the air, and she is wearing a chain necklace and braids.

As we walk back to our manor, I heard our neighbour say to their family member, ‘ there was a snake in our backyard that could have slithered to next door. ‘ they have red heart glasses and leather jacket, and are smoking. I talk to neighbour with puffy cheeks, as this was a day after my surgery, about the snake. they say, ‘ i am here to search for the snake with you, and have faith in you. ‘

We are cooking chocolate. the pot is an abyss, and the wood is the chocolate balancing on the sides. unbeknownst to us, there was a dangerous ride as we continue walking in the carnival. it was a slide, i walk on up stairs with leith, and then hang on the bar railing up ( someone helps you to cling on the railing ), saying ‘ you are supposed to let go, ‘ me seeing a pretty high drop to the slide.

I saw people the same age as me do this, and they all managed to land on the slide. I probably thought it must hurt when hitting the slide. I held on the bar, and people were encouraging me, and then I said I didn’t want to, very scared and freaked out. the person is very confused, we ( me and leith ) the only people who noticed it was scary. We went up the stairs, then decided it looked dangerous, and didn’t want to. and then person pulled me into safety.

#personal

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chrisevansluv · 3 years

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Here is the 2012 Detail Magazine interview with chris evans:

The Avengers' Chris Evans: Just Your Average Beer-Swilling, Babe-Loving Buddhist

The 30-year-old Bud Light-chugging, Beantown-bred star of The Avengers is widely perceived as the ultimate guy's guy. But beneath the bro persona lies a serious student of Buddhism, an unrepentant song-and-dance man, and a guy who talks to his mom about sex. And farts.

By Adam Sachs,

Photographs by Norman Jean Roy

May 2012 Issue

"Should we just kill him and bury his body?" Chris Evans is stage whispering into the impassive blinking light of my digital recorder.

"Chris!" shouts his mother, her tone a familiar-to-anyone-with-a-mother mix of coddling and concern. "Don't say that! What if something happened?"

We're at Evans' apartment, an expansive but not overly tricked-out bachelor-pad-ish loft in a semi-industrial nowheresville part of Boston, hard by Chinatown, near an area sometimes called the Combat Zone. Evans has a fuzzy, floppy, slept-in-his-clothes aspect that'd be nearly unrecognizable if you knew him only by the upright, spit-polished bearing of the onscreen hero. His dog, East, a sweet and slobbery American bulldog, is spread out on a couch in front of the TV. The shelves of his fridge are neatly stacked with much of the world's supply of Bud Light in cans and little else.

On the counter sit a few buckets of muscle-making whey-protein powder that belong to Evans' roommate, Zach Jarvis, an old pal who sometimes tags along on set as a paid "assistant" and a personal trainer who bulked Evans up for his role as the super-ripped patriot in last summer's blockbuster Captain America: The First Avenger. A giant clock on the exposed-brick wall says it's early evening, but Evans operates on his own sense of time. Between gigs, his schedule's all his, which usually translates into long stretches of alone time during the day and longer social nights for the 30-year-old.

"I could just make this . . . disappear," says Josh Peck, another old pal and occasional on-set assistant, in a deadpan mumble, poking at the voice recorder I'd left on the table while I was in the bathroom.

Evans' mom, Lisa, now speaks directly into the microphone: "Don't listen to them—I'm trying to get them not to say these things!"

But not saying things isn't in the Evans DNA. They're an infectiously gregarious clan. Irish-Italians, proud Bostoners, close-knit, and innately theatrical. "We all act, we sing," Evans says. "It was like the fucking von Trapps." Mom was a dancer and now runs a children's theater. First-born Carly directed the family puppet shows and studied theater at NYU. Younger brother Scott has parts on One Life to Live and Law & Order under his belt and lives in Los Angeles full-time—something Evans stopped doing several years back. Rounding out the circle are baby sister Shanna and a pair of "strays" the family brought into their Sudbury, Massachusetts, home: Josh, who went from mowing the lawn to moving in when his folks relocated during his senior year in high school; and Demery, who was Evans' roommate until recently.

"Our house was like a hotel," Evans says. "It was a loony-tunes household. If you got arrested in high school, everyone knew: 'Call Mrs. Evans, she'll bail you out.'"

Growing up, they had a special floor put in the basement where all the kids practiced tap-dancing. The party-ready rec room also had a Ping-Pong table and a separate entrance. This was the house kids in the neighborhood wanted to hang at, and this was the kind of family you wanted to be adopted by. Spend an afternoon listening to them dish old dirt and talk over each other and it's easy to see why. Now they're worried they've said too much, laid bare the tender soul of the actor behind the star-spangled superhero outfit, so there's talk of offing the interviewer. I can hear all this from the bathroom, which, of course, is the point of a good stage whisper.

To be sure, no one's said too much, and the more you're brought into the embrace of this boisterous, funny, shit-slinging, demonstrably loving extended family, the more likable and enviable the whole dynamic is.

Sample exchange from today's lunch of baked ziti at a family-style Italian restaurant:

Mom: When he was a kid, he asked me, 'Mom, will I ever think farting isn't funny?'

Chris: You're throwing me under the bus, Ma! Thank you.

Mom: Well, if a dog farts you still find it funny.

Then, back at the apartment, where Mrs. Evans tries to give me good-natured dirt on her son without freaking him out:

Mom: You always tell me when you think a girl is attractive. You'll call me up so excited. Is that okay to say?

Chris: Nothing wrong with that.

Mom: And can I say all the girls you've brought to the house have been very sweet and wonderful? Of course, those are the ones that make it to the house. It's been a long time, hasn't it?

Chris: Looooong time.

Mom: The last one at our house? Was it six years ago?

Chris: No names, Ma!

Mom: But she knocked it out of the park.

Chris: She got drunk and puked at Auntie Pam's house! And she puked on the way home and she puked at our place.

Mom: And that's when I fell in love with her. Because she was real.

We're operating under a no-names rule, so I'm not asking if it's Jessica Biel who made this memorable first impression. She and Evans were serious for a couple of years. But I don't want to picture lovely Jessica Biel getting sick at Auntie Pam's or in the car or, really, anywhere.

East the bulldog ambles over to the table, begging for food.

"That dog is the love of his life," Mrs. Evans says. "Which tells me he'll be an unbelievable parent, but I don't want him to get married right now." She turns to Chris. "The way you are, I just don't think you're ready."

Some other things I learn about Evans from his mom: He hates going to the gym; he was so wound-up as a kid she'd let him stand during dinner, his legs shaking like caged greyhounds; he suffered weekly "Sunday-night meltdowns" over schoolwork and the angst of the sensitive middle-schooler; after she and his father split and he was making money from acting, he bought her the Sudbury family homestead rather than let her leave it.

Eventually his mom and Josh depart, and Evans and I go to work depleting his stash of Bud Light. It feels like we drink Bud Light and talk for days, because we basically do. I arrived early Friday evening; it's Saturday night now and it'll be sunup Sunday before I sleeplessly make my way to catch a train back to New York City. Somewhere in between we slip free of the gravitational pull of the bachelor pad and there's bottle service at a club and a long walk with entourage in tow back to Evans' apartment, where there is some earnest-yet-surreal group singing, piano playing, and chitchat. Evans is fun to talk to, partly because he's an open, self-mocking guy with an explosive laugh and no apparent need to sleep, and partly because when you cut just below the surface, it's clear he's not quite the dude's dude he sometimes plays onscreen and in TV appearances.

From a distance, Chris Evans the movie star seems a predictable, nearly inevitable piece of successful Hollywood packaging come to market. There's his major-release debut as the dorkily unaware jock Jake in the guilty pleasure Not Another Teen Movie (in one memorable scene, Evans has whipped cream on his chest and a banana up his ass). The female-friendly hunk appeal—his character in The Nanny Diaries is named simply Harvard Hottie—is balanced by a kind of casual-Friday, I'm-from-Boston regular-dudeness. Following the siren song of comic-book cash, he was the Human Torch in two Fantastic Four films. As with scrawny Steve Rogers, the Captain America suit beefed up his stature as a formidable screen presence, a bankable leading man, all of which leads us to The Avengers, this season's megabudget, megawatt ensemble in which he stars alongside Scarlett Johansson, Mark Ruffalo, Robert Downey Jr., and Chris Hemsworth.

It all feels inevitable—and yet it nearly didn't happen. Evans repeatedly turned down the Captain America role, fearing he'd be locked into what was originally a nine-picture deal. He was shooting Puncture, about a drug-addicted lawyer, at the time. Most actors doing small-budget legal dramas would jump at the chance to play the lead in a Marvel franchise, but Evans saw a decade of his life flash before his eyes.

What he remembers thinking is this: "What if the movie comes out and it's a success and I just reject all of this? What if I want to move to the fucking woods?"

By "the woods," he doesn't mean a quiet life away from the spotlight, some general metaphorical life escape route. He means the actual woods. "For a long time all I wanted for Christmas were books about outdoor survival," he says. "I was convinced that I was going to move to the woods. I camped a lot, I took classes. At 18, I told myself if I don't live in the woods by the time I'm 25, I have failed."

Evans has described his hesitation at signing on for Captain America. Usually he talks about the time commitment, the loss of what remained of his relative anonymity. On the junkets for the movie, he was open about needing therapy after the studio reduced the deal to six movies and he took the leap. What he doesn't usually mention is that he was racked with anxiety before the job came up.

"I get very nervous," Evans explains. "I shit the bed if I have to present something on stage or if I'm doing press. Because it's just you." He's been known to walk out of press conferences, to freeze up and go silent during the kind of relaxed-yet-high-stakes meetings an actor of his stature is expected to attend: "Do you know how badly I audition? Fifty percent of the time I have to walk out of the room. I'm naturally very pale, so I turn red and sweat. And I have to literally walk out. Sometimes mid-audition. You start having these conversations in your brain. 'Chris, don't do this. Chris, take it easy. You're just sitting in a room with a person saying some words, this isn't life. And you're letting this affect you? Shame on you.'"

Shades of "Sunday-night meltdowns." Luckily the nerves never follow him to the set. "You do your neuroses beforehand, so when they yell 'Action' you can be present," he says.

Okay, there was one on-set panic attack—while Evans was shooting Puncture. "We were getting ready to do a court scene in front of a bunch of people, and I don't know what happened," he says. "It's just your brain playing games with you. 'Hey, you know how we sometimes freak out? What if we did it right now?'"

One of the people who advised Evans to take the Captain America role was his eventual Avengers costar Robert Downey Jr. "I'd seen him around," Downey says. "We share an agent. I like to spend a lot of my free time talking to my agent about his other clients—I just had a feeling about him."

What he told Evans was: This puppy is going to be big, and when it is you're going to get to make the movies you want to make. "In the marathon obstacle course of a career," Downey says, "it's just good to have all the stats on paper for why you're not only a team player but also why it makes sense to support you in the projects you want to do—because you've made so much damned money for the studio."

There's also the fact that Evans had a chance to sign on for something likely to be a kind of watershed moment in the comic-book fascination of our time. "I do think The Avengers is the crescendo of this superhero phase in entertainment—except of course for Iron Man 3," Downey says. "It'll take a lot of innovation to keep it alive after this."

Captain America is the only person left who was truly close to Howard Stark, father of Tony Stark (a.k.a. Iron Man), which meant that Evans' and Downey's story lines are closely linked, and in the course of doing a lot of scenes together, they got to be pals. Downey diagnoses his friend with what he terms "low-grade red-carpet anxiety disorder."

"He just hates the game-show aspect of doing PR," Downey says. "Obviously there's pressure for anyone in this transition he's in. But he will easily triple that pressure to make sure he's not being lazy. That's why I respect the guy. I wouldn't necessarily want to be in his skin. But his motives are pure. He just needs to drink some red-carpet chamomile."

"The majority of the world is empty space," Chris Evans says, watching me as if my brain might explode on hearing this news—or like he might have to fight me if I try to contradict him. We're back at his apartment after a cigarette run through the Combat Zone.

"Empty space!" he says again, slapping the table and sort of yelling. Then, in a slow, breathy whisper, he repeats: "Empty space, empty space. All that we see in the world, the life, the animals, plants, people, it's all empty space. That's amazing!" He slaps the table again. "You want another beer? Gotta be Bud Light. Get dirty—you're in Boston. Okay, organize your thoughts. I gotta take a piss . . ."

My thoughts are this: That this guy who is hugging his dog and talking to me about space and mortality and the trouble with Boston girls who believe crazy gossip about him—this is not the guy I expected to meet. I figured he'd be a meatball. Though, truthfully, I'd never called anyone a meatball until Evans turned me on to the put-down. As in: "My sister Shanna dates meatballs." And, more to the point: "When I do interviews, I'd rather just be the beer-drinking dude from Boston and not get into the complex shit, because I don't want every meatball saying, 'So hey, whaddyathink about Buddhism?'"

At 17, Evans came across a copy of Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha and began his spiritual questing. It's a path of study and struggle that, he says, defines his true purpose in life. "I love acting. It's my playground, it lets me explore. But my happiness in this world, my level of peace, is never going to be dictated by acting," he says. "My goal in life is to detach from the egoic mind. Do you know anything about Eastern philosophy?"

I sip some Bud Light and shake my head sheepishly. "They talk about the egoic mind, the part of you that's self-aware, the watcher, the person you think is driving this machine," he says. "And that separation from self and mind is the root of suffering. There are ways of retraining the way you think. This isn't really supported in Western society, which is focused on 'Go get it, earn it, win it, marry it.'"

Scarlett Johansson says that one of the things she appreciates about Evans is how he steers clear of industry chat when they see each other. "Basically every actor," she says, "including myself, when we finish a job we're like, 'Well, that's it for me. Had a good run. Put me out to pasture.' But Chris doesn't strike me as someone who frets about the next job." The two met on the set of The Perfect Score when they were teenagers and have stayed close; The Avengers is their third movie together. "He has this obviously masculine presence—a dude's dude—and we're used to seeing him play heroic characters," Johansson says, "but he's also surprisingly sensitive. He has close female friends, and you can talk to him about anything. Plus there's that secret song-and-dance, jazz-hands side of Chris. I feel like he grew up with the Partridge Family. He'd be just as happy doing Guys and Dolls as he would Captain America 2."

East needs to do his business, so Evans and I take him up to the roof deck. Evans bought this apartment in 2010 when living in L.A. full-time no longer appealed to him. He came back to stay close to his extended family and the intimate circle of Boston pals he's maintained since high school. The move also seems like a pretty clear keep-it-real hedge against the manic ego-stroking distractions of Hollywood.

"I think my daytime person is different than my nighttime person," Evans says. "With my high-school buddies, we drink beer and talk sports and it's great. The kids in my Buddhism class in L.A., they're wildly intelligent, and I love being around them, but they're not talking about the Celtics. And that's part of me. It's a strange dichotomy. I don't mind being a certain way with some people and having this other piece of me that's just for me."

I asked Downey about Evans' outward regular-Joe persona. "It's complete horseshit," Downey says. "There's an inherent street-smart intelligence there. I don't think he tries to hide it. But he's much more evolved and much more culturally aware than he lets on."

Perhaps the meatball and the meditation can coexist. We argue about our egoic brains and the tao of Boston girls. "I love wet hair and sweatpants," he says in their defense. "I like sneakers and ponytails. I like girls who aren't so la-di-da. L.A. is so la-di-da. I like Boston girls who shit on me. Not literally. Girls who give me a hard time, bust my chops a little."

The chief buster of Evans' chops is, of course, Evans himself. "The problem is, the brain I'm using to dissect this world is a brain formed by it," he says. "We're born into confusion, and we get the blessing of letting go of it." Then he adds: "I think this shit by day. And then night comes and it's like, 'Fuck it, let's drink.'"

And so we do. It's getting late. Again. We should have eaten dinner, but Evans sometimes forgets to eat: "If I could just take a pill to make me full forever, I wouldn't think twice."

We talk about his dog and camping with his dog and why he loves being alone more than almost anything except maybe not being alone. "I swear to God, if you saw me when I am by myself in the woods, I'm a lunatic," he says. "I sing, I dance. I do crazy shit."

Evans' unflagging, all-encompassing enthusiasm is impressive, itself a kind of social intelligence. "If you want to have a good conversation with him, don't talk about the fact that he's famous" was the advice I got from Mark Kassen, who codirected Puncture. "He's a blast, a guy who can hang. For quite a long time. Many hours in a row."

I've stopped looking at the clock. We've stopped talking philosophy and moved into more emotional territory. He asks questions about my 9-month-old son, and then Captain America gets teary when I talk about the wonder of his birth. "I weep at everything," he says. "I emote. I love things so much—I just never want to dilute that."

He talks about how close he feels to his family, how open they all are with each other. About everything. All the time. "The first time I had sex," he says, "I raced home and was like, 'Mom, I just had sex! Where's the clit?'"

Wait, I ask—did she ever tell you?

"Still don't know where it is, man," he says, then breaks into a smile composed of equal parts shit-eating grin and inner peace. "I just don't know. Make some movies, you don't have to know…"

Here is the 2012 Detail Magazine interview with chris evans:

The Avengers' Chris Evans: Just Your Average Beer-Swilling, Babe-Loving Buddhist

By Adam Sachs,

Photographs by Norman Jean Roy

May 2012 Issue

"Should we just kill him and bury his body?" Chris Evans is stage whispering into the impassive blinking light of my digital recorder.

"Chris!" shouts his mother, her tone a familiar-to-anyone-with-a-mother mix of coddling and concern. "Don't say that! What if something happened?"

Evans' mom, Lisa, now speaks directly into the microphone: "Don't listen to them—I'm trying to get them not to say these things!"

"Our house was like a hotel," Evans says. "It was a loony-tunes household. If you got arrested in high school, everyone knew: 'Call Mrs. Evans, she'll bail you out.'"

Sample exchange from today's lunch of baked ziti at a family-style Italian restaurant:

Mom: When he was a kid, he asked me, 'Mom, will I ever think farting isn't funny?'

Chris: You're throwing me under the bus, Ma! Thank you.

Mom: Well, if a dog farts you still find it funny.

Then, back at the apartment, where Mrs. Evans tries to give me good-natured dirt on her son without freaking him out:

Mom: You always tell me when you think a girl is attractive. You'll call me up so excited. Is that okay to say?

Chris: Nothing wrong with that.

Mom: And can I say all the girls you've brought to the house have been very sweet and wonderful? Of course, those are the ones that make it to the house. It's been a long time, hasn't it?

Chris: Looooong time.

Mom: The last one at our house? Was it six years ago?

Chris: No names, Ma!

Mom: But she knocked it out of the park.

Chris: She got drunk and puked at Auntie Pam's house! And she puked on the way home and she puked at our place.

Mom: And that's when I fell in love with her. Because she was real.

East the bulldog ambles over to the table, begging for food.

What he remembers thinking is this: "What if the movie comes out and it's a success and I just reject all of this? What if I want to move to the fucking woods?"

Shades of "Sunday-night meltdowns." Luckily the nerves never follow him to the set. "You do your neuroses beforehand, so when they yell 'Action' you can be present," he says.

And so we do. It's getting late. Again. We should have eaten dinner, but Evans sometimes forgets to eat: "If I could just take a pill to make me full forever, I wouldn't think twice."

Wait, I ask—did she ever tell you?

"Still don't know where it is, man," he says, then breaks into a smile composed of equal parts shit-eating grin and inner peace. "I just don't know. Make some movies, you don't have to know…"

If someone doesn't want to check the link, the anon sent the full interview!

#chris evans #cevans #Details Magazine #2012 #interview

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path-of-my-childhood · 5 years

Text

Taylor Swift: ‘I was literally about to break’

By: Laura Snapes for The Guardian Date: August 24th 2019

Taylor Swift’s Nashville apartment is an Etsy fever dream, a 365-days-a-year Christmas shop, pure teenage girl id. You enter through a vestibule clad in blue velvet and covered in gilt frames bursting with fake flowers. The ceiling is painted like the night sky. Above a koi pond in the living area, a narrow staircase spirals six feet up towards a giant, pillow-lagged birdcage that probably has the best view in the city. Later, Swift will tell me she needs metaphors “to understand anything that happens to me”, and the birdcage defies you not to interpret it as a pointed comment on the contradictions of stardom.

Swift, wearing pale jeans and dip-dyed shirt, her sandy hair tied in a blue scrunchie, leads the way up the staircase to show me the view. The decor hasn’t changed since she bought this place in 2009, when she was 19. “All of these high rises are new since then,” she says, gesturing at the squat glass structures and cranes. Meanwhile her oven is still covered in stickers, more teenage diary than adult appliance.

Now 29, she has spent much of the past three years living quietly in London with her boyfriend, actor Joe Alwyn, making the penthouse a kind of time capsule, a monument to youthful naivety given an unlimited budget – the years when she sang about Romeo and Juliet and wore ballgowns to awards shows; before she moved to New York and honed her slick, self-mythologising pop.

It is mid-August. This is Swift’s first UK interview in more than three years, and she seems nervous: neither presidential nor goofy (her usual defaults), but quick with a tongue-out “ugh” of regret or frustration as she picks at her glittery purple nails. We climb down from the birdcage to sit by the pond, and when the conversation turns to 2016, the year the wheels came off for her, Swift stiffens as if driving over a mile of speed bumps. After a series of bruising public spats (with Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj) in 2015, there was a high-profile standoff with Kanye West. The news that she was in a relationship with actor Tom Hiddleston, which leaked soon after, was widely dismissed as a diversionary tactic. Meanwhile, Swift went to court to prosecute a sexual assault claim, and faced a furious backlash when she failed to endorse a candidate in the 2016 presidential election, allowing the alt-right to adopt her as their “Aryan princess”.

Her critics assumed she cared only about the bottom line. The reality, Swift says, is that she was totally broken. “Every domino fell,” she says bitterly. “It became really terrifying for anyone to even know where I was. And I felt completely incapable of doing or saying anything publicly, at all. Even about my music. I always said I wouldn’t talk about what was happening personally, because that was a personal time.” She won’t get into specifics. “I just need some things that are mine,” she despairs. “Just some things.”

A year later, in 2017, Swift released her album Reputation, half high-camp heel turn, drawing on hip-hop and vaudeville (the brilliantly hammy Look What You Made Me Do), half stunned appreciation that her nascent relationship with Alwyn had weathered the storm (the soft, sensual pop of songs Delicate and Dress).

Her new album, Lover, her seventh, was released yesterday. It’s much lighter than Reputation: Swift likens writing it to feeling like “I could take a full deep breath again”. Much of it is about Alwyn: the Galway Girl-ish track London Boy lists their favourite city haunts and her newfound appreciation of watching rugby in the pub with his uni mates; on the ruminative Afterglow, she asks him to forgive her anxious tendency to assume the worst.

While she has always written about relationships, they were either teenage fantasy or a postmortem on a high-profile breakup, with exes such as Jake Gyllenhaal and Harry Styles. But she and Alwyn have seldom been pictured together, and their relationship is the only other thing she won’t talk about. “I’ve learned that if I do, people think it’s up for discussion, and our relationship isn’t up for discussion,” she says, laughing after I attempt a stealthy angle. “If you and I were having a glass of wine right now, we’d be talking about it – but it’s just that it goes out into the world. That’s where the boundary is, and that’s where my life has become manageable. I really want to keep it feeling manageable.”

Instead, she has swapped personal disclosure for activism. Last August, Swift broke her political silence to endorse Democratic Tennessee candidate Phil Bredesen in the November 2018 senate race. Vote.org reported an unprecedented spike in voting registration after Swift’s Instagram post, while Donald Trump responded that he liked her music “about 25% less now”.

Meanwhile, her recent single You Need To Calm Down admonished homophobes and namechecked US LGBTQ rights organisation Glaad (which then saw increased donations). Swift filled her video with cameos from queer stars such as Ellen DeGeneres and Queen singer Adam Lambert, and capped it with a call to sign her petition in support of the Equality Act, which if passed would prohibit gender- and sexuality-based discrimination in the US. A video of Polish LGBTQ fans miming the track in defiance of their government’s homophobic agenda went viral. But Swift was accused of “queerbaiting” and bandwagon-jumping. You can see how she might find it hard to work out what, exactly, people want from her.

***

It was girlhood that made Swift a multimillionaire. When country music’s gatekeepers swore that housewives were the only women interested in the genre, she proved them wrong. Her self-titled debut marked the longest stay on the Billboard 200 by any album released in the decade. A potentially cloying image – corkscrew curls, lyrics thick on “daddy” and down-home values – were undercut by the fact she was evidently, endearingly, a bit of a freak, an unusual combination of intensity and artlessness. Also, she was really, really good at what she did, and not just for a teenager: her entirely self-written third album, 2010’s Speak Now, is unmatched in its devastatingly withering dismissals of awful men.

As a teenager, Swift was obsessed with VH1’s Behind The Music, the series devoted to the rise and fall of great musicians. She would forensically rewatch episodes, trying to pinpoint the moment a career went wrong. I ask her to imagine she’s watching the episode about herself and do the same thing: where was her misstep? “Oh my God,” she says, drawing a deep breath and letting her lips vibrate as she exhales. “I mean, that’s so depressing!” She thinks back and tries to deflect. “What I remember is that [the show] was always like, ‘Then we started fighting in the tour bus and then the drummer quit and the guitarist was like, “You’re not paying me enough.”’’’

But that’s not what she used to say. In interviews into her early 20s, Swift often observed that an artist fails when they lose their self-awareness, as if repeating the fact would work like an insurance against succumbing to the same fate. But did she make that mistake herself? She squeezes her nose and blows to clear a ringing in her ears before answering. “I definitely think that sometimes you don’t realise how you’re being perceived,” she says. “Pop music can feel like it’s The Hunger Games, and like we’re gladiators. And you can really lose focus of the fact that that’s how it feels because that’s how a lot of stan [fan] Twitter and tabloids and blogs make it seem – the overanalysing of everything makes it feel really intense.”

She describes the way she burned bridges in 2016 as a kind of obliviousness. “I didn’t realise it was like a classic overthrow of someone in power – where you didn’t realise the whispers behind your back, you didn’t realise the chain reaction of events that was going to make everything fall apart at the exact, perfect time for it to fall apart.”

Here’s that chain reaction in full. With her 2014 album 1989 (the year she was born), Swift transcended country stardom, becoming as ubiquitous as Beyoncé. For the first time she vocally embraced feminism, something she had rejected in her teens; but, after a while, it seemed to amount to not much more than a lot of pictures of her hanging out with her “squad”, a bevy of supermodels, musicians and Lena Dunham. The squad very much did not include her former friend Katy Perry, whom Swift targeted in her song Bad Blood, as part of what seemed like a painfully overblown dispute about some backing dancers. Then, when Nicki Minaj tweeted that MTV’s 2015 Video Music awards had rewarded white women at the expense of women of colour, multiple-nominee Swift took it personally, responding: “Maybe one of the men took your slot.” For someone prone to talking about the haters, she quickly became her own worst enemy.

Her old adversary Kanye West resurfaced in February 2016. In 2009, West had invaded Swift’s stage at the MTV VMAs to protest against her victory over Beyoncé in the female video of the year category. It remains the peak of interest in Swift on Google Trends, and the conflict between them has become such a cornerstone of celebrity journalism that it’s hard to remember it lay dormant for nearly seven years – until West released his song Famous. “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex,” he rapped. “Why? I made that bitch famous.” The video depicted a Swift mannequin naked in bed with men including Trump.

Swift loudly condemned both; although she had discussed the track with West, she said she had never agreed to the “bitch” lyric or the video. West’s wife, Kim Kardashian, released a heavily edited clip that showed Swift at least agreeing to the “sex” line on the phone with West, if not the “bitch” part. Swift pleaded the technicality, but it made no difference: when Kardashian went on Twitter to describe her as a snake, the comparison stuck and the singer found herself very publicly “cancelled” – the incident taken as “proof” of Swift’s insincerity. So she went away.

Swift says she stopped trying to explain herself, even though she “definitely” could have. As she worked on Reputation, she was also writing “a think-piece a day that I knew I would never publish: the stuff I would say, and the different facets of the situation that nobody knew”. If she could exonerate herself, why didn’t she? She leans forward. “Here’s why,” she says conspiratorially. “Because when people are in a hate frenzy and they find something to mutually hate together, it bonds them. And anything you say is in an echo chamber of mockery.”

She compares that year to being hit by a tidal wave. “You can either stand there and let the wave crash into you, and you can try as hard as you can to fight something that’s more powerful and bigger than you,” she says. “Or you can dive under the water, hold your breath, wait for it to pass and while you’re down there, try to learn something. Why was I in that part of the ocean? There were clearly signs that said: Rip tide! Undertow! Don’t swim! There are no lifeguards!” She’s on a roll. “Why was I there? Why was I trusting people I trusted? Why was I letting people into my life the way I was letting them in? What was I doing that caused this?”

After the incident with Minaj, her critics started pointing out a narrative of “white victimhood” in Swift’s career. Speaking slowly and carefully, she says she came to understand “a lot about how my privilege allowed me to not have to learn about white privilege. I didn’t know about it as a kid, and that is privilege itself, you know? And that’s something that I’m still trying to educate myself on every day. How can I see where people are coming from, and understand the pain that comes with the history of our world?”

She also accepts some responsibility for her overexposure, and for some of the tabloid drama. If she didn’t wish a friend happy birthday on Instagram, there would be reports about severed friendships, even if they had celebrated together. “Because we didn’t post about it, it didn’t happen – and I realised I had done that,” she says. “I created an expectation that everything in my life that happened, people would see.”

But she also says she couldn’t win. “I’m kinda used to being gaslit by now,” she drawls wearily. “And I think it happens to women so often that, as we get older and see how the world works, we’re able to see through what is gaslighting. So I’m able to look at 1989 and go – KITTIES!” She breaks off as an assistant walks in with Swift’s three beloved cats, stars of her Instagram feed, back from the vet before they fly to England this week. Benjamin, Olivia and Meredith haughtily circle our feet (they are scared of the koi) as Swift resumes her train of thought, back to the release of 1989 and the subsequent fallout. “Oh my God, they were mad at me for smiling a lot and quote-unquote acting fake. And then they were mad at me that I was upset and bitter and kicking back.” The rules kept changing.

***

Swift’s new album comes with printed excerpts from her diaries. On 29 August 2016, she wrote in her girlish, bubble writing: “This summer is the apocalypse.” As the incident with West and Kardashian unfolded, she was preparing for her court case against radio DJ David Mueller, who was fired in 2013 after Swift reported him for putting his hand up her dress at a meet-and–greet event. He sued her for defamation; she countersued for sexual assault.

“Having dealt with a few of them, narcissists basically subscribe to a belief system that they should be able to do and say whatever the hell they want, whenever the hell they want to,” Swift says now, talking at full pelt. “And if we – as anyone else in the world, but specifically women – react to that, well, we’re not allowed to. We’re not allowed to have a reaction to their actions.”

In summer 2016 she was in legal depositions, practising her testimony. “You’re supposed to be really polite to everyone,” she says. But by the time she got to court in August 2017, “something snapped, I think”. She laughs. Her testimony was sharp and uncompromising. She refused to allow Mueller’s lawyers to blame her or her security guards; when asked if she could see the incident, Swift said no, because “my ass is in the back of my body”. It was a brilliant, rude defence.

“You’re supposed to behave yourself in court and say ‘rear end’,” she says with mock politesse. “The other lawyer was saying, ‘When did he touch your backside?’ And I was like, ‘ASS! Call it what it is!’” She claps between each word. But despite the acclaim for her testimony and eventual victory (she asked for one symbolic dollar), she still felt belittled. It was two months prior to the beginning of the #MeToo movement. “Even this case was literally twisted so hard that people were calling it the ‘butt-grab case’. They were saying I sued him because there’s this narrative that I want to sue everyone. That was one of the reasons why the summer was the apocalypse.”

She never wanted the assault to be made public. Have there been other instances she has dealt with privately? “Actually, no,” she says soberly. “I’m really lucky that it hadn’t happened to me before. But that was one of the reasons it was so traumatising. I just didn’t know that could happen. It was really brazen, in front of seven people.” She has since had security cameras installed at every meet-and-greet she does, deliberately pointed at her lower half. “If something happens again, we can prove it with video footage from every angle,” she says.

The allegations about Harvey Weinstein came out soon after she won her case. The film producer had asked her to write a song for the romantic comedy One Chance, which earned her second Golden Globe nomination. Weinstein also got her a supporting role in the 2014 sci-fi movie The Giver, and attended the launch party for 1989. But she says they were never alone together.

“He’d call my management and be like, ‘Does she have a song for this film?’ And I’d be like, ‘Here it is,’” she says dispassionately. “And then I’d be at the Golden Globes. I absolutely never hung out. And I would get a vibe – I would never vouch for him. I believe women who come forward, I believe victims who come forward, I believe men who come forward.” Swift inhales, flustered. She says Weinstein never propositioned her. “If you listen to the stories, he picked people who were vulnerable, in his opinion. It seemed like it was a power thing. So, to me, that doesn’t say anything – that I wasn’t in that situation.”

Meanwhile, Donald Trump was more than nine months into his presidency, and still Swift had not taken a position. But the idea that a pop star could ever have impeded his path to the White House seemed increasingly naive. In hindsight, the demand that Swift speak up looks less about politics and more about her identity (white, rich, powerful) and a moralistic need for her to redeem herself – as if nobody else had ever acted on a vindictive instinct, or blundered publicly.

But she resisted what might have been an easy return to public favour. Although Reputation contained softer love songs, it was better known for its brittle, vengeful side (see This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things). She describes that side of the album now as a “bit of a persona”, and its hip-hop-influenced production as “a complete defence mechanism”. Personally, I thought she had never been more relatable, trashing the contract of pious relatability that traps young women in the public eye.

***

It was the assault trial, and watching the rights of LGBTQ friends be eroded, that finally politicised her, Swift says. “The things that happen to you in your life are what develop your political opinions. I was living in this Obama eight-year paradise of, you go, you cast your vote, the person you vote for wins, everyone’s happy!” she says. “This whole thing, the last three, four years, it completely blindsided a lot of us, me included.”

She recently said she was “dismayed” when a friend pointed out that her position on gay rights wasn’t obvious (what if she had a gay son, he asked), hence this summer’s course correction with the single You Need To Calm Down (“You’re comin’ at my friends like a missile/Why are you mad?/When you could be GLAAD?”). Didn’t she feel equally dismayed that her politics weren’t clear? “I did,” she insists, “and I hate to admit this, but I felt that I wasn’t educated enough on it. Because I hadn’t actively tried to learn about politics in a way that I felt was necessary for me, making statements that go out to hundreds of millions of people.”

She explains her inner conflict. “I come from country music. The number one thing they absolutely drill into you as a country artist, and you can ask any other country artist this, is ‘Don’t be like the Dixie Chicks!’” In 2003, the Texan country trio denounced the Iraq war, saying they were “ashamed” to share a home state with George W Bush. There was a boycott, and an event where a bulldozer crushed their CDs. “I watched country music snuff that candle out. The most amazing group we had, just because they talked about politics. And they were getting death threats. They were made such an example that basically every country artist that came after that, every label tells you, ‘Just do not get involved, no matter what.’

“And then, you know, if there was a time for me to get involved…” Swift pauses. “The worst part of the timing of what happened in 2016 was I felt completely voiceless. I just felt like, oh God, who would want me? Honestly.” She would otherwise have endorsed Hillary Clinton? “Of course,” she says sincerely. “I just felt completely, ugh, just useless. And maybe even like a hindrance.”

I suggest that, thinking selfishly, her coming out for Clinton might have made people like her. “I wasn’t thinking like that,” she stresses. “I was just trying to protect my mental health – not read the news very much, go cast my vote, tell people to vote. I just knew what I could handle and I knew what I couldn’t. I was literally about to break. For a while.” Did she seek therapy? “That stuff I just really wanna keep personal, if that’s OK,” she says.

She resists blaming anyone else for her political silence. Her emergence as a Democrat came after she left Big Machine, the label she signed to at 15. (They are now at loggerheads after label head Scott Borchetta sold the company, and the rights to Swift’s first six albums, to Kanye West’s manager, Scooter Braun.) Had Borchetta ever advised her against speaking out? She exhales. “It was just me and my life, and also doing a lot of self-reflection about how I did feel really remorseful for not saying anything. I wanted to try and help in any way that I could, the next time I got a chance. I didn’t help, I didn’t feel capable of it – and as soon as I can, I’m going to.”

Swift was once known for throwing extravagant 4 July parties at her Rhode Island mansion. The Instagram posts from these star-studded events – at which guests wore matching stars-and-stripes bikinis and onesies – probably supported a significant chunk of the celebrity news industry GDP. But in 2017, they stopped. “The horror!” wrote Cosmopolitan, citing “reasons that remain a mystery” for their disappearance. It wasn’t “squad” strife or the unavailability of matching cozzies that brought the parties to an end, but Swift’s disillusionment with her country, she says.

There is a smart song about this on the new album – the track that should have been the first single, instead of the cartoonish ME!. Miss Americana And The Heartbreak Prince is a forlorn, gothic ballad in the vein of Lana Del Rey that uses high-school imagery to dismantle American nationalism: “The whole school is rolling fake dice/You play stupid games/You win stupid prizes,” she sings with disdain. “Boys will be boys then/Where are the wise men?”

As an ambitious 11-year-old, she worked out that singing the national anthem at sports games was the quickest way to get in front of a large audience. When did she start feeling conflicted about what America stands for? She gives another emphatic ugh. “It was the fact that all the dirtiest tricks in the book were used and it worked,” she says. “The thing I can’t get over right now is gaslighting the American public into being like” – she adopts a sanctimonious tone – “‘If you hate the president, you hate America.’ We’re a democracy – at least, we’re supposed to be – where you’re allowed to disagree, dissent, debate.” She doesn’t use Trump’s name. “I really think that he thinks this is an autocracy.”

As we speak, Tennessee lawmakers are trying to impose a near-total ban on abortion. Swift has staunchly defended her “Tennessee values” in recent months. What’s her position? “I mean, obviously, I’m pro-choice, and I just can’t believe this is happening,” she says. She looks close to tears. “I can’t believe we’re here. It’s really shocking and awful. And I just wanna do everything I can for 2020. I wanna figure out exactly how I can help, what are the most effective ways to help. ’Cause this is just…” She sighs again. “This is not it.”

***

It is easy to forget that the point of all this is that a teenage Taylor Swiftwanted to write love songs. Nemeses and negativity are now so entrenched in her public persona that it’s hard to know how she can get back to that, though she seems to want to. At the end of Daylight, the new album’s dreamy final song, there’s a spoken-word section: “I want to be defined by the things that I love,” she says as the music fades. “Not the things that I hate, not the things I’m afraid of, the things that haunt me in the middle of the night.” As well as the songs written for Alwyn, there is one for her mother, who recently experienced a cancer relapse: “You make the best of a bad deal/I just pretend it isn’t real,” Swift sings, backed by the Dixie Chicks.

How does writing about her personal life work if she’s setting clearer boundaries? “It actually made me feel more free,” she says. “I’ve always had this habit of never really going into detail about exactly what situation inspired what thing, but even more so now.” This is only half true: in the past, Swift wasn’t shy of a level of detail that invited fans to figure out specific truths about her relationships. And when I tell her that Lover feels a more emotionally guarded album, she bristles. “I know the difference between making art and living your life like a reality star,” she says. “And then even if it’s hard for other people to grasp, my definition is really clear.”

Even so, Swift begins Lover by addressing an adversary, opening with a song called I Forgot That You Existed (“it isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference”), presumably aimed at Kanye West, a track that slightly defeats its premise by existing. But it sweeps aside old dramas to confront Swift’s real nemesis, herself. “I never grew up/It’s getting so old,” she laments on The Archer.

She has had to learn not to pre-empt disaster, nor to run from it. Her life has been defined by relationships, friendships and business relationships that started and ended very publicly (though she and Perry are friends again). At the same time, the rules around celebrity engagement have evolved beyond recognition in her 15 years of fame. Rather than trying to adapt to them, she’s now asking herself: “How do you learn to maintain? How do you learn not to have these phantom disasters in your head that you play out, and how do you stop yourself from sabotage – because the panic mechanism in your brain is telling you that something must go wrong.” For her, this is what growing up is. “You can’t just make cut-and-dry decisions in life. A lot of things are a negotiation and a grey area and a dance of how to figure it out.”

And so this time, Swift is sticking around. In December she will turn 30, marking the point after which more than half her life will have been lived in public. She’ll start her new decade with a stronger self-preservationist streak, and a looser grip (as well as a cameo in Cats). “You can’t micromanage life, it turns out,” she says, drily.

When Swift finally answered my question about the moment she would choose in the VH1 Behind The Music episode about herself, the one where her career turned, she said she hoped it wouldn’t focus on her “apocalypse” summer of 2016. “Maybe this is wishful thinking,” she said, “but I’d like to think it would be in a couple of years.” It’s funny to hear her hope that the worst is still to come while sitting in her fairytale living room, the cats pacing: a pragmatist at odds with her romantic monument to teenage dreams. But it sounds something like perspective.

#taylor swift #interview #by taylor #the guardian #lover era #lover album #not sure how I feel about the interviewer's approach...there's a lot of irony in it #but a fun read for us nonetheless

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wethepixies · 4 years

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Welcome to the third and final part of our staff interview series! This set of interviews focus on some of our most social staff members - our Discord moderators and our social media team. Once again, these pixies had a lot to say, so we’re tucking all of it under the “Keep reading” link!

WTP’s Discord server is the main place for the community to come together - in fact, we just passed 6,000 members! It’s extremely important to keep the server as safe and friendly as possible, and that’s where our beloved moderators come through. Without them, we wouldn’t have the loving WTP community!

Our moderators are Lila Almondpetal, Gloria Flutterflower, Daphne Moonflower, Anastasia Foxheart, Rose Morningmist, and Kassie.

What are some of your favorite memories about the original Pixie Hollow? And what are some things that you’re excited to see again in WTP?

Daphne: If I had to choose only one favorite thing then it would be shopping in Pixie Hollow especially those GORGEOUS gowns from the Queen's Boutique. It was the luxury store of Pixie Hollow, and the gowns they had were on a whole different level. I used to play Pixie Hollow every day as a kid and I even convinced my dad to get me the annual membership. I was able to make a lot of friends from different parts of the world because of the game. My best memories of the game are of Camp Pixie Dust! As for what I’m excited to see in WTP, I am exhilarated about the Tearoom and Animal Derby coming back since those were the only places you could play with other players. They were always packed with other fairies and sparrowmen and I used to hang out in those two places the most.

In her interview, Daphne sent us some pictures of two of her favorite things in Pixie Hollow - a couple of screenshots of Camp Pixie Dust and her favorite gown from the Queen’s Boutique.

Anastasia: Honestly? As a kid, I spent most of my time attending the parties. The minigames there were always so addicting! Gameplay wise, I loved baking and tailoring! I wasn't as invested in it as other Disney MMOs because I never was able to get a Pixie Hollow Membership, but I still loved to play it! It influenced my decision to play the DS games, as well as the Fashion Boutique mobile game! I will say that my love of the original Pixie Hollow has benefited my life in many ways as without it, I wouldn't have so many memories with friends I've made along the way. Also, I would've never found WTP! I think one of my best memories from Pixie Hollow has to be from the one party where I won almost all of the party games. I was pretty young when I was really into Pixie Hollow, so although it's a bit silly, I just remember feeling super proud and feeling like the queen of the party, haha! As a kid, I never really appreciated the quests (although I did do them), so I am excited for those to come back & relive that experience. However, since WTP will not have a paywall for any of the experiences from the original Pixie Hollow, I am incredibly excited to explore The Wilderness for the first time!

Lila: My favorite part of the original game was honestly how open and free it was! There was always so much to do in the game, but I never felt pressured to do any of it if I didn't want to. I could go crazy one day playing games and doing quests, and then I could spend the next day flying around, just admiring the scenery and doing absolutely nothing in terms of progress. There were no obligations at all - I think that's why I remember the game so well. I was also really invested in it - I actually kept a journal about what I did in the game, can you believe it? I would say it's made my life better in a couple of ways - when the game was still open, it was a fantastic stress reliever, and even now I love thinking about it (plus, it led me to WTP!). As for my favorite memory… well, there are so many! I'd have to say my favorite was the time a Sparrow Man and I flirted in the Tearoom using nothing but those preset Speedchat phrases. I don't know who started it, but I'm pretty sure we were both non-members at the time - maybe we were drawn together by those Arrival Day outfits. We ended up drawing a crowd; I remember seeing a lot of clapping emojis and hearts. It was insane! Sadly, we forgot to add each other as friends, so we never saw each other again. I just got out my old journal to check if I wrote down his name - and I apparently did! Figfig, my guy, if you’re out there, I was either Twilight Olivemist or Karina Lightningflame at the time. As for what I’m excited for, I'm super excited for all of the meadows to come back! I loved just flying around and seeing all of the gorgeous artwork. And multiplayer, of course - Pixie Hollow was such a social game. I loved those little things like sitting on a branch and chatting.

Gloria: My favorite part of the original game was definitely the community aspect! I made a lot of friends in Pixie Hollow that were really special to me. It was so much fun to play games and throw parties with other pixies in the Hollow! I played the original game from January 2009 to its closing in 2013. I was really invested in the game and played very often! It definitely helped me embrace my inner child and hold onto magic longer than a lot of my peers, something I am grateful for. One great memory I have of the game was the events. I specifically loved the Silly Days Event, which allowed users to access the Mermaid Grotto. And Camp Pixie Dust, of course! For WTP, I am super excited for questing! It was a really unique experience every time and led to neat storylines which allowed players to unlock some cool items. I really liked the added structure of quests in game.

Rose: I was mildly obsessed with Pixie Hollow for a good majority of my childhood. I was picked on quite a bit when I was younger, so Pixie Hollow became this sort of safe haven for me, where I could express myself without fear of judgement. I spent a lot of my time roleplaying with online friends, pretending to be waitresses in the Tearoom, or secret agents fighting crime and protecting the Hollow – it was a lot of fun. Some of my first ever story ideas came from some of those roleplays, which lead to me starting a blog and later pursuing a career as an author, so I actually owe a lot to the game and the friends I made there. My favorite thing was probably decorating my home – I loved creating different settings with all the furniture I had, from cafés to ice palaces. It was a lot of fun. I'm super excited for multiplayer – I’ve made so many friends through the PBC (Pixie Blogging Community) and WTP, so I can’t wait for when we can hang out in-game.

Kassie: I played Pixie Hollow starting in late 2008 until it closed! Every day after school I would grab my snack and head to the computer to play for at LEAST an hour. Narrowing down my favorite part of the game is so hard!! But if I had to choose I would say getting creative with outfits and color combos! I loved going to fashion contests and seeing other people's creations- that's actually how I met a lot of my friends. I think Pixie Hollow benefited me as a way to escape from the stresses of the real world. Middle school and early high school were difficult seasons for me and it was nice to venture into a mystical land where I felt people truly cared for me. One of my favorite memories was when I met my friend Strawberry. We were mutual friends with someone and we both went to her house at the same time. However, our friend was asleep (remember the lil z's?) and so we started talking and suddenly we became the best of friends! Over 10 years later we are still friends and catch up with each other once in a while. We don't live far from each other so we hope to meet each other someday! Honestly, I’m most excited to have house decorating in WTP! I remember people would spend HOURS decorating their homes and doing the coolest designs- I always concentrated more on fashion so I'd love the chance to redeem myself and design an awesome home!

How did you first find out about the WTP project and what inspired you to start working as a moderator?

Kassie: A lot of my close friends started up the project and eventually invited me to be a part of it as a moderator! In our friend group I tended to be the one to mediate conversations, so I think it was a no-brainer to ask me to moderate.

Daphne: When I got to know about Club Penguin rewrites, I thought there might be a rewrite for Pixie Hollow as well and I stumbled upon a YouTube video which mentioned WTP. I really wanted to help out with the project in any way I could so that really motivated me to become a moderator.

Anastasia: I actually found out about the WTP project through Teresa, on another Pixie Hollow site where she first posted the Bubble Bounce demo! She even DM'd me about potentially helping out as an artist, which I've always wanted to do! However, due to my schedule being a bit too busy to consistently help out with game art, I never felt like I could apply. However, I've always tried to help out in other ways, such as when I was an Event Manager & hosted movie nights! When it was decided that movie nights were going to take a hiatus, I really wanted to continue helping out in the community, and thus, I became a mod!

Lila: I first found out about We The Pixies when I joined a Club Penguin rewrite. I hadn't thought about Pixie Hollow in years, but then I wondered if someone else had rewritten Pixie Hollow, so I looked it up and found WTP! As for joining the moderation team, I'd been pretty active on the server when the application opened up, and I really loved the community. I figured I'd give it a shot - worst they could say was no, right? Well, I ended up getting the role! It’s been a really great job ever since.

Gloria: I found out about We the Pixies while doing some Google searches and checking out the Pixie Hollow community this year. I definitely jumped at the opportunity to apply to be a moderator because I have so much passion for the project and wanted to help out and connect with others who also had interest.

Rose: I found WTP through Phoebe Bumbleflip’s blog – she published a post promoting the remake and the Discord back in October last year. I don’t have any skills that can really help with the recreation of the game itself, but I wanted to contribute in any way I could, which is what inspired me become a moderator.

(Phoebe is a member of the WTP Hype Squad, you can find her blog here!)

The WTP community is mostly positive, but have you ever had instances where you felt like server members weren't being the nicest? If so, how do you deal with it?

Anastasia: Since I'm new to the staff team, I've only ever come across a handful of issues involving the members, and most of them resolve with ease. Typically, directing people to the rules and giving them a warning is enough.

Lila: With so many people in the server, it's not unusual to see something that isn't so friendly - usually, if an argument starts up in the chat, reminding people of the rules or starting a new conversation fixes things. If things are really bad, I might talk to someone individually and ask them nicely to be, well, nicer.

Gloria: In my time on the staff so far, we have had a couple trolls and people who haven't complied with the rules, and in that situation, we generally like to calmly message the person and ask them to comply with the server rules. In my experience thus far, this usually sorts out the problem. However, if the issue persists, the moderation team would consult each other and figure out how to deal with it further based on the severity of the behavior.

Rose: They’re very rare, but we have had to deal with some disputes with upset or angry members. Usually us moderators will talk and discuss the issue and then decide the best course of action together.

Kassie: There's always going to be someone unkind who comes across the server every now and then. I think the best way to handle it is to tell them what rule they're breaking and WHY it's important that they adhere to the rule. Ultimately, our rules are about respecting everyone in the community. If we can help them empathize and understand respect I think that's making strides not only in the WTP community but hopefully in EVERY community that individual is a part of.

We've had a few events in the WTP community, how does creating one come about and how do you plan it?

Anastasia: Excellent question! As a former Event Manager, I'm the right Pixie to ask!

It all starts with the approval of administration. Once the admins approve of it (and other staff have no issues with it), you can go forward and begin scheduling a time. We typically don't do events without having a proper schedule or time frame. We also try to accommodate other time zones as best as we can, since we know that WTP has Pixies from across the globe! Then, you need to designate certain responsibilities to people. This was the purpose of the Event Managers, since we were in charge of hosting Movie/Game Night. I have a lot of good memories hosting movie nights with Alchemist (Lavender) and Asteria! With other events, staff members are chosen to have either a leading role or a helping hand in making sure the event goes smoothly. Even if they aren't in charge, it is important to note that all events typically require staff supervision. Now, planning it typically involves a discussion among the staff (and any other WTP players that may be involved in helping out). We usually try to make sure that the community voice is heard, and that they can get involved! Our main goal is always to bring everyone together while having fun, and that is the foundation of all our events.

Daphne: The Hype Squad is the creative mind behind all the events we have. Since we can not have in-game events (which we definitely will once the game is fully developed), the Hype Squad tries to come up with flitterific events to keep us in the pixie hollow spirit while we wait. Our former team of event managers was behind the shorter events such as the numerous game nights and movie nights.

Lila: Starting an event is absolutely a team effort - no matter where or who the idea comes from, we like to talk about it for a while first. For example, I had the idea for Meadow Madness one night out of the blue, and I made sure to run it by the staff and Hype Squad before I started anything up. It ended up being a huge success - we had an average of 200 respondents per round, which was pretty neat for something I came up with in ten minutes.

Rose: There’s quite a bit of planning that goes on behind the scenes for events – a lot of events are actually planned by the Hype Squad (which I am a part of) or our social media team. An idea will be presented by a team member, and then we’ll all discuss it – what our thoughts are on the suggestion, and how we’d go about holding it if it were to become an actual event. If everyone on the team agrees and the staff are okay with it, we’ll then start deciding dates for the event and preparing things like banners and announcement posts. Sometimes we’ll also have one of our members act as coordinator too, to make sure everything is running smoothly during the event itself.

Kassie: I'm personally not one of the head honchos who puts events together, but it comes down to listening to a bunch of ideas and trying to figure out which one best fits the needs and desires of the community!

How do you fit working on WTP into your schedule?

Daphne: I finished high school in April and I can't really start college until quarantine is over, so I pretty much don't have anything to do at home right now so it's easy for me to make time for WTP.

Anastasia: I try my best to moderate whenever I can- usually in my spare time. We get a lot of newcomers each day, so there always seems to be someone who needs help getting verified, or a Pixie who needs some other sort of assistance. That's the thing about having such a large community: we always seem to have some moderating to do!

Lila: I actually have the apps I need for moderation (and social media work) on my phone - now that I'm not in school for the summer, I'm traveling a lot, so I don't sit down and use my laptop very often. I think I use Discord on my phone more than my laptop, actually. Using mobile lets me check the server whenever I have a spare moment, so I can keep up with things wherever I go.

Gloria: I have a really flexible schedule in general as school and life goes, so I am able to make time to moderate and spend a lot of time online.

Rose: Mostly by multitasking – I’m almost always online, even if I’m doing other things, so it’s not too tricky to keep an eye on the server throughout the day.

Kassie: It's hard sometimes, but the easiest way for me to stay connected is to keep my notifications on when I'm not busy with the mandatory things in life like my job, planning my wedding, and investing in relationships outside of the community. Giving myself the chance to walk away here and there leaves me refreshed for the next time I log on!

Two of our moderators, Kassie and Lila, also serve on our social media team, so we asked them a special question:

How do you use social media to grow the community?

Lila: Social media is a great place to post about game updates and community events. I've found that few posts get people more excited than posts about new game features. Update posts also let people know that, yes, we are still up and running! Sometimes people think we've shut down already, and social media helps us keep the project alive.

Kassie: Social Media is all about messages. I think what attracts people to join a community is to send a message they resonate with! In WTP's case, nostalgia plays a huge part in growing our community- we are trying to attract people who are excited about something they wish they had again.

One final question for all of our moderators: what’s your favorite part of your job, and is there a way it’s benefited you?

Daphne: Definitely talking and getting to know so many people from across the globe. I'm always down for making new friends! For me, the most impact moderating for WTP has had is on my people skills. As a moderator, you have to ensure that everyone is following the rules and sometimes people need convincing to follow a rule. It also involves solving any issues related to the game/Discord server and communicating with the members in general, which really develops your people skills.

Anastasia: Honestly, my favorite part of being a mod is being able to interact with the other staff members. They're a really lovely and creative group of people, and it's fun bouncing ideas off of each other and figuring out what's best for everyone in this community! I wouldn't quit WTP for the world! Working for WTP has benefited me a lot as so far, it's helped me work on the ways I can help organize a community. Also, it is helping me work on my time management skills, as well as my ability to work in a team.

Lila: I think my favorite part of my job is, as corny as it sounds, watching this community grow! When I joined, we had maybe 500 users in the server, and we're well over 6000 now. I never thought that so many people would remember the game, but they do. It's remarkable, really. Working for WTP is probably the best volunteer position I've ever taken up. Moderating has really helped me learn how to think things through and get help when I need it. Working on social media has also been great for my writing and graphic design skills - I've got to say that I've gotten pretty good at color combinations!

Gloria: My favorite part of moderating is helping people in the player server and sparking interest and discussion among users. It's so much fun to reminisce about the hollow with other fans. Though I haven't been on the team for a very long time, it has already been lots of fun and I have really enjoyed connecting with the community even more and getting others interested in the revival project. And the other staff members are very cool people that are really rad to work with.

Rose: My favorite part of my job is welcoming new people to the server! Being a moderator has definitely helped with my problem-solving skills – working out ways to handle situations on the server.

Kassie: Being friends with the staff is my favorite part. It is always a joy to log on to laugh and learn with friends. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Asteria and I have created a pretty strong friendship (hopefully she agrees, haha). We've known each other for about 4 years now. She makes me laugh out loud and we've been there for each other in our victories and failures. Her friendship is one I deeply cherish and I hope we get to meet sometime in the future! I care a lot about connection, community, and friendship, so for me, being a part of this team is a way for me to foster those things and be a part of it! I think I've benefited from WTP by learning how to guide hard conversations and disagreements in a respectful manner. Many people think moderators just manage the community, but a huge part of our job is to aid staff in having constructive conversations. There are definitely ruffled wings here and there, but we always get through and I've really grown through those processes!

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Thank you all so much for sticking with us during our interview series! We had a lot of fun answering your questions, and we hope you had a flaptastic time reading them.

#WTP Staff Interviews #we the pixies

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letterboxd · 4 years

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Pure Verhoeven.

Writer and director Jeffrey McHale talks to Dominic Corry about his new documentary You Don’t Nomi—an examination of the cult surrounding Paul Verhoeven’s 1995 “masterpiece of shit”, Showgirls—and recommends a few campy sequels to watch afterwards.

Few films have enjoyed as interesting a post-release existence as Paul Verhoeven’s 1995 film Showgirls. A classic “blank check” movie—that is, a film made with unnatural freedom thanks to a director’s prior success—Verhoeven and controversial screenwriter Joe Eszterhas attempted to build on the success of their 1992 smash Basic Instinct by upping the on-screen sauce in a riff on All About Eve, set in the “high-stakes” world of Las Vegas striptease.

Elizabeth Berkley, at the time still defined by her performance as the (mostly) virtuous Jessie in the Saturday-morning teen sitcom Saved By The Bell, led the film as Nomi Malone, a young woman who arrives in Vegas, gets work stripping in a low-rent club, then ascends to the sought-after position of lead showgirl in a big casino’s “classy” choreographed striptease show, replacing the previous star Cristal Conners (Gina Gershon).

Proudly sporting the otherwise box-office-neutering NC17 rating, Showgirls was marketed as a serious adult drama about ambition and the price of success. It was not received as such, instead met with huge amounts of ridicule by audiences and critics alike. Pick a Letterboxd review at random, and you get, for example, “Beautiful direction, so if you put it on mute, it’d probably be great. But nearly every actor is sorely miscast and the script is the hottest garbage.”

Poor Berkley received a lot of the blame, and although she continued to work, the venomous (and often misogynistic) critiques hindered her career as a big-screen leading lady.

Then something funny happened—the film was re-evaluated as a camp classic, driven largely by the queer community, who embraced its over-the-top ridiculousness. The cult has grown considerably over the years, expanding into midnight screenings and even live stage adaptations. Subsequent DVD releases have leaned into the perception by offering commentary tracks that acknowledge the movie’s glorious failings.

Showgirls’ continued presence in the culture has even seen it experience something of an artistic redemption. Its perception is now well beyond that of being simply a camp classic that is so fun because it’s so bad—it’s a genuine cultural touchstone that tells us a lot about how audiences judge films featuring overt sexuality. Indeed, among the many ironies associated with the film is that it was partially designed to highlight American sexual hypocrisy, then failed spectacularly in a manner that effectively highlighted American sexual hypocrisy.

Kyle MacLachlan and Elizabeth Berkley in ‘Showgirls’.

A brief survey of Letterboxd reviews finds plenty of fans. In a half-star review alongside the exhortation to “please for the love of God watch Showgirls”, Letterboxd member Jesse writes: “There shouldn’t be any shame in liking something you know is bad, I don’t have to try and re-codify Showgirls as a secretly good classic just because of how amazing it is. It truly deserves its cult following.” Jesse makes particular mention of the infamous swimming pool sequence, a scene “so unsexy… that it achieves camp euphoria, a pure moment of enlightened cheese that needs to be seen to be believed”.

“‘So bad it’s good’ it may be for some but I happen to be among the camp that thinks Showgirls is genuine good: a misunderstood work brimming with brilliance,” writes Jaime Rebenal, while Matt Lynch argues that it’s often mistaken for “a satire of American greed and attendant dreams of stardom, when its true target is the apparatus that sells those dreams to an endlessly returning audience of narcissistic suckers.”

Or, as Joe puts it, “The Rosetta Stone for understanding this entire movie (if not life itself) is the shot of Elizabeth Berkley angrily slamming a ketchup bottle on the table and causing a bright red stream of ketchup to come flying out.”

Jeffrey McHale’s ridiculously entertaining new documentary You Don’t Nomi looks at the cult of Showgirls from a multitude of angles, including the evolving critical and cultural perception of the film, how Verhoeven’s characterization of his intentions have changed over the years, the significance of the film within the LGBTQIA+ community, and how Berkley eventually emerged from the whole affair as something of a hero.

McHale makes fantastic use of footage from Verhoeven’s killer filmography to emphasize his points, alongside interviews with a variety of cultural critics. He tells the story of April Kidwell, the writer, producer and star of I, Nomi, a one-woman musical comedy about the life of Nomi Malone before and after her adventures in Showgirls. Kidwell is a fascinating presence in the film, and not just because she also played Nomi in the stage show Showgirls: The Musical! and Berkley’s character in the Saved By The Bell-inspired Bayside: The Musical!.

The twentieth-anniversary ‘Showgirls’ screening at Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

The documentary features illuminating footage from the twentieth-anniversary screening of Showgirls at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles, an event that Berkley attended, where she received a rapturous response from the thousands of fans present.

McHale attended that screening, and told Letterboxd that that’s where his deeper interest in the film was properly sparked.

Jeffrey McHale: I had seen it already, ten years prior to that, but that was the first time I saw it with an audience. I think that was, officially, the largest screening of Showgirls that has happened. There were 4,000 people there. I’m not from LA, but I’ve lived in LA for the last eight years, and I’ve gone to a couple of those Hollywood Forever screenings and I don’t think anyone in our group anticipated Elizabeth Berkley showing up. It felt epic. It was a historic moment in the afterlife of Showgirls.

I didn’t walk away [from that screening] thinking ‘I should make a documentary’, but I was mostly interested in kind of finding out more. You’re always curious if you can figure anything out about the intentions or what the filmmakers had in mind, so that’s what inspired me to start consuming everything that had been written about Showgirls. I read the Adam Layman book, the book of poems, [lots of] articles, and I was just scouring the internet for reviews. And what I found was this wide range of really interesting opinions, theories and people’s relationships with the film. Everything was just so different. You set out looking for answers, and it’s not about getting the answer for it, it’s about this ever-evolving relationship that we have with this piece of art.

At what point did you come to realize the degree to which the queer community had embraced this film? As a gay man myself, it feels like it’s part of the fabric of our culture, ’90s culture. The poet Jeffrey Conway, when I interviewed him, he said it perfectly: it’s just like in your DNA, you know? It appeals to the queer culture community, you cannot explain it but you’re just kind of drawn to it. I thought that was an interesting way of describing the experience of watching something like that.

This film appears to only be widening the cult of Showgirls. It’s been a really fun project, and I’ve been blown away by the response it’s getting. I didn’t really know what the end result would be when I started. I knew that whatever you make, there will be a very vocal and excited and enthusiastic fan base. I’ve been very surprised by the broad appeal. These are people who have never seen Showgirls and are really drawn to it, and find the message and the story, the culture, and the way that we consume media, the way that we critically talk about things. It’s been a wild ride.

The twentieth-anniversary ‘Showgirls’ screening at Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

You point out the hypocrisy of how audiences are willing to see Verhoeven’s films as satirical when it comes to the violence (as with Robocop and Starship Troopers), but when it comes to the sex, the audience gets prudish. Paul and Joe talked about that on a lot of their press junket interviews: America’s fine with the violence and the violence gets you rated PG13, but then you have something as human as sex, then that’s shunned and discouraged. It was interesting going back and just looking at the way in which Elizabeth was criticized. And the way that Paul was criticized. Just the way she was ripped apart for her physical features and all that, it was disgusting. I think we’ve evolved a little bit further in that sense. I don’t think that you’d see a Gene Siskel review, the way that he describes her face, those details, like comparing which one was hotter, it was like: this is what we’re reviewing? Actresses’ physical attributes? It was disgusting. I think we’ve gotten better in that sense.

How did you encounter April Kidwell? She brought a lot to the film. She was one of the later additions to the project, after we’d started reaching out to people. I knew that she was in the musical. Then I found out that she had also done Saved By The Bell. It was really interesting that she played two Elizabeth Berkley characters, to get her opinion on it. From the very first phone call, she was just so open. I was blown away by her story and how vulnerable she was, just putting herself out there. She’s been very open about her experience and the way that it was therapeutic for her. She’s the heart and soul of Nomi. She’s somebody who went through something awful, disgusting, terrible, and now she’s found power and strength, within—specifically—the character. The act of performing Nomi on stage was therapeutic for her. It was an experience that no other person I spoke with had. She’s amazing.

Gina Gershon in ’Showgirls’.

I loved how you used footage from the other Verhoeven films to provide additional commentary. How did you come to adopt that filmmaking strategy? When I went in, I didn’t how much of that would play into the narrative. I wasn’t familiar with his earlier work. But when I started to go back and watched all of his Dutch films, I was surprised by how all the dots, everything just felt like it was connecting. All these motifs and scenes and shots. And how repetitively these things popped up. So I wanted a visual way, to kind of make it a subplot, where the characters were interacting with Showgirls, where their experience paralleled the contributors, so that was a way to visually tie it back to the argument that people like to think Showgirls sits by itself outside of all of Paul’s other films, like Starship Troopers, Robocop and Total Recall, but tying it into the argument that it’s Verhoeven at his purest, [which is what] I like to think of Showgirls as.

I’m a huge Verhoeven nut and I’d always been disturbed by the dog food subplot in Spetters [in which a takeout van sells croquettes made with jelly-meat], but I had never drawn the connection to Showgirls [in which Cristal and Nomi bond over both having once been so poor that they had to survive on dog food]. I’d also never noticed how much vomiting is a recurring motif for him. Yeah! Women vomiting! It was always women that were throwing up, which is just bizarre. The doggy chow thing I thought was interesting because [initially] I felt like ‘oh this is a Joe Eszterhas bit’, something from his script that’s just bizarre and weird, but then when I saw that thread from Spetters, it was just like ‘oh my god, you’ve done the whole eating doggy chow thing before’.

I’ve always been interested in Verhoeven’s evolving description of the film himself; how he has recast history a bit to say he was in on the joke, but the funniest thing I thought he ever said about it was that he regretted not putting a serial killer plot in Showgirls, because that would’ve distracted the Americans. Had you heard that? I have yes. I think Adam Layman mentioned that. [Verhoeven]’s like: “Basic Instinct was enough of a thriller that people could watch it.” That was something I’d heard a couple of times before. I think he’d actually been considering it, like a death or a murder or something.

Thanks for making your list of Campy Sequels To Watch After Showgirls. Talk us through them. What did you make of Showgirls 2: Penny’s From Heaven? I’ve only seen clips. It’s a film that might be better in small doses, not one whole thing, because I think it’s, like, two and half hours long. I think it took me a couple of viewings to get through the whole thing. But it’s interesting because [filmmaker] Rena Riffel plays Penny/Hope in Showgirls. She wrote it, directed it and starred in it, and it follows her character playing off Nomi’s leaving Vegas to go to Hollywood. [Riffel] was in Mulholland Drive, so part of me thinks she was trying to do a David Lynch thing. Or a John Waters thing. She’s definitely very aware of the afterlife and the over-the-top campiness of it. So there’s all these little Easter eggs where she’s drawing comparisons to Showgirls. But it’s super low budget, and she kind of embraces that. I would recommend it to hard core fans of Showgirls; it’s definitely not a movie for everybody.

‘Showgirls 2: Penny’s From Heaven’, featuring writer-director Rena Riffel (right) as Penny.

Grease 2 ‘Cool Rider’—amazing. Christmas-tree dress. I like that the gender roles were flipped. And it’s a fun movie. It’s a fun movie that I always enjoyed as kid.

Gremlins 2: The New Batch That was another one that I saw late. And I mean, the musical number, Hulk Hogan, just knowing that the director went all out and didn’t hold anything back. I mean—Vegetable Gremlin? There are just so many things it in that are bizarre, and it didn’t follow the traditional 80s/90s sequel formula.

Beyond The Valley of the Dolls Yeah. You know that Roger Ebert wrote that, right? That’s another one that’s probably closer to Showgirls 2 in the Russ Meyer aesthetic of it. But these are all films that had similar [critical trajectories]—it was panned when it came out but got [a] second life. I mean not to the scale that Showgirls has, but I think people revisit it and embrace it for what it

Magic Mike XXL It feels like they’re more in on the joke, and I kind of found it more enjoyable than the first one, just because it didn’t seem like it was taking itself so seriously. And Jada Pinkett Smith is kind of playing the Matthew McConaughey role. It’s The Big Chill meets Chippendales. And as far as the dance numbers go, it feels a lot campier and they’re a little bit more aware of what’s happening. Not as much as like a failed-seriousness kind of camp, but there’s something going on there.

Final question. Showgirls: good or bad? I call it a masterpiece of shit.

‘You Don’t Nomi’ is available to stream or rent on digital and VOD services.

#showgirls #showgirls 2 penny's from heaven #paul verhoeven #joe ezsterhas #camp classics #lgbtqia #queer cinema #elizabeth berkley #jeffrey mchale #letterboxd

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shirtlesssammy · 4 years

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8x01: We Need to Talk About Kevin

Then:

P U R G A T O R Y

Now:

100-Mile Wilderness, Maine

1 Year Later

A couple is sleeping peacefully in the forest when a bright light fills the sky, waking the woman.

The couple goes out to investigate when they hear rustling outside. It’s a deer! Close...it’s Dean! He’s looking more like a feral rat than a deer. I would not want to run into someone looking like Dean in the middle of nowhere, that’s for sure. He pulls his gun, asks where the road is, grabs a bag of their stuff, and skedaddles. Yikes. First, for anyone not caught up, let’s all collectively scream what we all thought on our first viewing: Where’s Cas??! Second, who the fuck hikes anywhere, let alone the 100 Mile Wilderness trail with that kind of gear?! Camp chairs? A lantern the size of a dining room chandelier? A tent that’s making Harry Potter quake? Anyway, I lol thinking this is the most unbelievable part of this scene, and not the dude who just got back from Purgatory.

Clayton, Louisiana

4 Days Later

Cue up Styx “Man in the Wilderness”, and sit back and watch one of my favorite montages. Watching Dean walk down a road never gets old. He walks to a cemetery and digs up a grave. He chants an incantation over some bones, and voilà, he brings back to life a vampire! They embrace.

Wait, what?

In Kermit, Texas, Sam’s ditching on a woman AND a dog. He drives to Rufus’s cabin in Montana, where a hiding Dean assaults him with all the monster tests. They both pass, and hug. Sam is shocked. “I guess standing too close to exploding dick, sends your ass straight to Purgatory.” Dean explains the situation with the first dick joke of the season. Sam has further questions, and Dean is vague on the details. Sam also wonders about Cas. Dean shuts down a little more and admits, “Yeah, Cas didn’t make it.”

Sam presses the matter. “Something happened to him down there. Things got pretty hairy towards the end, and he... just let go,” Dean adds. So, he admits that Cas let go here, did he alter his memory after this? In any event, Dean’s really broken about it.

Sam then admits that he got out of the life, tossed all his phones, etc. “Something happened to me this year, too.” Gah, like a complete breakdown and fugue state, but I will reserve my thoughts for my non-existent essay on the state of Sam’s mind when Dean and Cas were in Purgatory. That sends Dean into an anger spiral. (Natasha: LIMES)

He listens to all of Sam’s phone messages --the increasingly desperate and eventually disillusioned pleas for help from Kevin.

He was their responsibility, and Sam just ditched him. Uh, because he was in complete mental failure! Sam hears something in the background of the last message and is able to isolate the sound to a bus station. They track him to Michigan, where his girlfriend, Channing, is attending college.

Once at the motel, Dean sees two boys playing with their toy guns, which sends him into a memory spiral. He’s chasing a vamp in Purgatory and eventually catches him. “Where’s the angel?”

WhEreS tHe aNgEl?

W H E R E ‘ S T H E A N G E L?

(Don’t touch me.)

“You’re him. The human.”

Like, excuse me? The monsters are all meeting up talking about the human wandering around Purgatory looking for that angel? LIKE PLEASE. No, please STOp. I can’t take it, even after all these years.

Anyway, Dean keeps demanding to know where that goddamned angel is. The vamp refuses to say so Mr. Dramatic lops his head off set to a very elegant camera angle.

Another monster attacks but Dean’s too far from his machete. Then ANOTHER monster attacks THAT monster. Spoiler: IT’S BENNY!

Later, in the motel, Dean suggests moving on, but Sam thinks he should get some rest. Dean goes into another anger spiral --probably because he couldn’t sleep for a year and all Sam did was sleep due to his complete breakdown. Sam trying to ignore that he didn’t have control of his world isn’t helping him with Dean. Sam found “a girl.” Well, actually, she was a fully grown woman, but go on… Listen, I don't like the Amelia stuff as much as the next person, so I have a very elaborate headcanon of Sam’s mental break and the symbolic fantasy world he created while he barely existed at the cabin.

Anyway, Sam asks Dean what Purgatory was like. “It was bloody. Messy. 31 flavors of bottom-dwelling nasties. Hell, most days felt like 360-degree combat. But there was something about being there.”

“It felt pure.”

It fElT PuRe

I T F E L T P U R E

Flashback to Purgatory, where Dean’s life is still saved by Benny, the vampire. Dean threatens to shiv him up the ass so...every friendship needs to start somewhere? The vampire knows an escape hatch out of Purgatory! But it’s only for humans. He’ll show him the portal as long as Dean smuggles his soul out of Purgatory.

The first rule of Purgatory is you can’t trust anyone. Dean doesn’t trust Benny - not an inch. But he does need allies. He tells Benny that he’ll agree to that tenuous deal as long as they find “the angel” first.

At a college, the Winchesters interview Channing. She hasn’t heard a word from Kevin and furthermore, would spurn his love forever now that he’s no longer going to Princeton. Ouch! After they leave, Channing’s eyes go black and she slices her roommate's throat so she can make a phone call. DOUBLE OUCH! She reports that Kevin still hasn’t gotten in touch with her, but Dean Winchester is back.

Trying to get some work done amongst the students, Sam experiences his own mournful flashback. He hit a dog! He shouted at veterinary hospital employees! Damn it, this is an animal hospital!!! I hand you a bloody dog, you fix! Shouting helps things happen!

Sam bby.

Dean arrives with a burger in hand, reunited with one of the loves of his life at least. Sam reports that he’s tracked Kevin to Iowa.

At a run down church in Iowa, the Winchesters pay a house call. Kevin immediately confronts them with a Borax-loaded supersoaker. Once he figures out they’re human, Kevin gives them the tour of his new digs. He’s learned how to ward against demons. And then while explaining his recent past, Kevin has his own flashback! Everyone gets one!

In Kevin’s flashback, he’s been captured by Crowley who sits him down to work on another tablet. A DEMON tablet! Dun dun DUN! Kevin mines its secrets and tells Crowley that there’s a hell gate in Wisconsin. (Made out of cheese?) Demons gather ingredients for him and Kevin gets to have a MONTAGE of preparing a spell to open the gate. Only…

...Kevin was hoodwinking the demons the whole time.

He’d found a demon bomb recipe and blasts away his guards while Crowley waits on a distant Wisconsin farm.

Back in the present, Kevin’s stowed the tablet somewhere safe but before he did that, he made sure to memorize one more important spell from the tablet: a spell to close the gates of Hell...FOREVER.

Dean and Sam head outside to the...second story church deck?...to chat. Sam’s disappointed that Kevin seems further into the hunting life than before. Dean’s proud of the kid - “he’s in it whether he likes it or not.” Oof. Dean, your Winchester is showing.

Sam heads down to the candle-lit church. He apologizes to Kevin for bugging out on him - and on everything hunting related. It’s definitely staged like a confession.

Kevin admits that he’s perturbed when he really stops and thinks about his life, post-prophet-revelation. Sam assures him that “it gets better.” Hmm RLY? Sam’s an optimist, and continues: if they can banish all the demons, Kevin might actually be free to live a good life. BRB weeping and shouting angrily at this show!

In Sam’s hazy flashback, he waits anxiously for the news from the vet. She reports that his dog will be okay. Sam corrects her - the dog isn’t his! She double barrel blasts him with sarcasm, implying that if he doesn’t take care of the dog he hit then he’s the worst person in the world. Which. Okay. I generally don’t mind Amelia though I think she demonstrably has terrible luck picking stable, healthy relationships. But this scene always has me rolling my eyes. It’s so normal to foist a dog on a stranger! Everyone has the means and time to care for a dog, not to mention a dog who has been seriously injured! A vet would not do this! Amelia, plz.

Amelia puppy dog eyes Sam, and he’s toast. He’s spent so many years working on his offensive puppy eyed tactics, he never thought to work on his defense!

The church begins to shake and wood splits apart Kevin’s devil’s traps. A couple of demons arrive, armed with more swagger than weaponry. There’s a zappy flashy kicky fight and then Crowley and Channing arrive. Crowley demands the tablet for Channing’s life. He flashes Channing back into control for a moment as proof of life. Kevin offers himself up in exchange for Channing’s freedom and heads off to “pack up.” Then Kevin lures Crowley and Channing to a holy water trap.

As they’re being doused, the Winchesters and Kevin escape. While they drive away, Crowley orders the demon out of Channing and then kills her. Oof.

Later, Dean gets a phone call as they stop for gas and snacks, and then passes it off as a wrong number. Kevin passes on donuts and beef jerky. He just saw his girlfriend die and that doesn’t lend itself well to gas station snacks.

Dean offers up words of Winchester Solace™. “You’re in it now. Whether you like it or not you do what you gotta do.” Good talk, Dean!

On Dean’s pee break, he furtively places a phone call. It’s Benny, the vampire from earlier! He’s lurking on the edges of a funeral in a not-at-all-suspicious way. He figured out cell phones! But not fashion.

Dean tells him that they shouldn’t talk for a while since they’re both adjusting to life. Benny wistfully tells Dean that Purgatory WAS pure and he should have appreciated it more while he was there. They both admonish each other to be good (and presumably not go on a murderous rampage). Good talk!

WHERE’RE THE QUOTES?

We made it, brother

I don't know whether to give you a hug or take a shower

Nothing says "family" quite like the whole family being dead

Where’s the angel?

Hey, the rules are simple, Sam. You don't take a joint from a guy named Don, and there's no dogs in the car!

So you're looking for a soul train

There's a demon in you, and you're going to your safety school

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

#spn recap #spn rewatch #spn 8x01 #we need to talk about kevin #dean winchester #sam winchester #benny lafitte #kevin tran #crowley #amelia #supernatural season 8

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deanwinchestermydaddy · 4 years

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TO SEE YOU AGAIN (DEAN WINCHESTER STORY) PART. 9

Dean's POV:

We arrived at Bobby's past midnight, he was waiting for us, "what took you so long idjits we were waiting for both of you and I already want to go to sleep?" he said as he embraces me and then Sam, "I'm going to sleep" he said and I turn to look at him, "Bobby, you said we who's here with you?" I asked but it was already too late he was gone.

We went to the usual rooms we stay and I couldn't stop thinking about Y/n was she okay, did she arrived safe, should I call her and tell her that we are gone or just text her. I grabbed my phone and called her number but it went straight to voice mail I guess she's sleeping or her phone is dead or she doesn't want to answer me. I don't know at what time I finally fall asleep, I couldn't stop thinking about her the whole time.

~THE NEXT MORNING~

I was awoken to the sounds of laughter a familiar laugh, well 3 familiar laughs, I rubbed my eyes and decided to head to the kitchen where all that noise was coming from. As I walk there I saw some girl giving Bobby his breakfast and giving him a kiss on the cheek and then she rubbed Sam's back, when she finally turns to get another plate I knew why I recognized that laugh, it was Y/n.

"Good morning Dean," she said smiling then walking to the stove, "why did you leave me, sweetheart?" was all I said and Sam and Bobby looked at each other as she froze on her spot, "I'll go check the books thanks for the breakfast honey," Bobby said getting up and grabbing his plate, "I'll help you Bobby and thank you for the breakfast Y/n," Sam said as he walked out and patted my back. We were left alone but still, she didn't turn to look at me at all, "I didn't leave you, Dean, I just had to come for some family business" she said as she handed me a plate and sat across from me, "why didn't you told me?" I was hurt that she talks to Sam and not me, "well if you were on the Bunker I could have told you but you were out and Sammy was there" she said and she had a reason, I didn't talk I had no way of answering her, "Do you hate me Dean?" she said after a moment of silence, "WHAT! no, no, I would never hate you Y/n, I...I..." I try to say it but I can't drag her with me to this, " I was joking Dean," she said standing up to leave, but I pulled her by her arm and embraced her then moved my hands to cupped her cheeks and kissed her with all the emotions I had inside of me, " never say that not even as a joke" I whispered as I kissed her again.

"Finally they were driving me crazy! this been going on for weeks I can even say months!" Sam said and we stopped kissing I grabbed a rug that was close and I threw it at him, and continue to kiss her more, suddenly someone cough and I knew it was Bobby and we broke the kiss, "look you idjit, you break her heart I will break you it doesn't matter if you are my favorite" he said and hugged her, " I asked for a computer and now my favorite niece is kissing this idjit! you never get what you ask for!" he said making the 3 of us laugh. Sam and he left to continue the research while me and Y/n were left on the kitchen, "so are we good?" I asked her shyly, "well that depends if you are going to stop to push me away," she said smiling causing me to smile too, I pulled her by the hips closer to me and she put her arms around my neck, " I will, so do you forgive me for pushing you away?" I asked her and she gave me a peck on the lips, "Is that a yes I suppose" I said and she nodded and I kissed her again.

~Later~

"Y/n I need you to interview the people with me while you two act like campers," Bobby said and everyone nodded, well except for me, "why don't you and Sammy do the questioning while me and Y/n act like campers, it would be more believable," I said and Bobby just rolled his eyes at me and I knew I got what I wanted.

"I just don't want you to act like all horny teenagers, more you Dean," he said pointing at me as Sam and Y/n laugh so hard.

Y/n POV:

As we arrived at the camping site me and Dean went in a completely different direction, but near where that boy disappears from. We started to walk around the site looking for anything, well it was more me than Dean, he was just taking a stroll around the park and I decided to play with him a little.

"sweetheart, where are you?" Dean asked with a tone of worry while I was behind some trees looking at him just walk around looking, I was making sure I didn't step on any branch but I did making a sound that alerted Dean where I was, I heard him slowly approach from behind so I disappear and went behind him. I wrapped my arms around him and I felt him jump and turn, "you are gonna pay for this!" he said and I run but he caught me and started to tickle me, "no stop it! I can't please I'm sorry I will not do it again! please just stop it!" I said while I was laughing, "Nah sweetheart!" he said as he continues to tickle me, "I will give you anything you want! please!" I said and he stopped, "whatever I want?" he said raising an eyebrow, and before he could say another word I grabbed his face and kiss him, his hands find their way to my butt and squish it, "jump," he said and I did.

We were in the middle of a really heated making out session when we heard someone cough, "this is no place for this kids, just go get a hotel" an Old man said as his son and daughter were chuckling at us because Dean hasn't put me down, "put me down Dean" I whisper and he looked at me and put me down then look back at the family, "sorry" I said, "why are you guys doing in this part of the forest, huh? Is this the new 'SPOT'?"the same guy said, " I was taking my girl for a stroll well more like a hike" Dean said putting his arm around me because the son of the guy that looked around 25 was smirking at me, "and you both are hiking out in biker boots and jeans?" the girl asked, "look I don't do shorts" Dean said glaring at them, and the girl looked at me, "well I just use them in special occasions, don't I baby?" I said and winked at Dean, "right sweetheart. Well, we are gonna keep going, see ya campers!" Dean said as he grabbed my hand and we continue to walk around.

"did you saw their faces?!! that was so funny!" Dean and you laugh as both walk back where the four of you were going to meet, "so how it went?" I ask Bobby and Sam as they walk back towards us, "Good, and you guys?" Sam asked looking at me and Dean, we just laugh, "I can assume good" he said and Bobby cleared his throat, "just a question... where you guys the couple making out in the middle of the forest?" he asked and both stayed quiet, "Someone told one of the forest rangers about some bikers making out and I assume it was both of you" he said a little annoyed.

"what can I say we had to act like campers, didn't we?" Dean said and I rolled my eyes at him as we got into the cars, Bobby and Sam on mine and Dean and I on his. We were going back to Bobby's house to make a plan to eliminate this Wendigo.

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patagucci34 · 5 years

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Dreams do come true, part 3

Here is part 3!!

I am going to start using names for friends and stuff because it might start getting confusing. Just an FYI, Y/BF/N from previous chapters will be April.

Warnings: smut

Enjoy :)

Y/N’s POV

It had been a few months since Auston had been to Vermont. I couldn’t wait to see him again. I had just landed in Toronto to spend a week with him over my Christmas break. They had a week of home games so we figured that would be the best time, and we would get to spend a week together because I was on my break. We worked it out so my flight landed when he was able to pick me up from the airport and bring me back to his place. I was a little worried about what I would do with my time while he was at practice or training during the day, also about meeting all of the wives and girlfriends, and his family would be there for the very end of the week. But, I would cross those bridges when I get there so I tried not to think about it that much.

I was waiting for my luggage and starting to get anxious…not sure if it was because I was worried my luggage was lost or because it was hitting me that I would be seeing Auston soon. I received a text from Auston saying that he was waiting by the Tim Hortons and couldn’t wait to see me, that eased my nerves a little bit, but I was still worried about my bags. Eventually, my bag came out and I made the trek through customs. After what seemed like hours later I was walking through the terminal to find Auston. It didn’t take me long to find him and my nerves disappeared as soon as he laid eyes on me. I picked up the pace a bit and dropped my bags as he embraced me in a hug.

“How was the flight?” He asked as we let go.

“It was fine…I really hate flying…but it wasn’t bad I guess.”

“You don’t like flying?” He asked.

I looked down a little, feeling a bit embarrassed, “no…I’m kind of scared to fly.”

“What?! How come you never told me?”

“I don’t know, it’s not the biggest deal. It doesn’t stop me from flying, I just don’t like it very much.”

Auston gave me a smirk, “that’s so cute!!” He said bringing me in for another hug

“Hahaha, shut up,” I said reciprocating the smirk.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Let’s get out of here.” He said grabbing my suitcase and leading me to his car.

We made the drive to his apartment so that I could drop my stuff off and change. He had a game tonight so he had to get the rink, he asked if I wanted to go then or if I wanted to go a little bit closer to game time and he would leave a ticket for me at will call. I decided to go with him just because I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing.

When we got to the rink he gave me a quick tour and then showed me to the family box where I could hang out until the game started. He got me a seat by the glass where I would be sitting with Steph and a couple of the other girlfriends. I was super nervous to sit with them. I had talked with Steph over Facetime while talking to Auston, but I had never met her in real life. I hate to agree with the “they have a type” stereotype, but all of the WAGS are gorgeous, and I didn’t want to feel out of place. Not to mention the fact that Auston and I aren’t technically dating.

I tried to stop thinking about it by pulling out of my phone and checking social media. I noticed there were already pictures of Auston and me together. He did warn me that hockey is huge in Toronto and people are super invested in the players so there might be a lot of people taking pictures and saying hi. I just thought he meant that people would be asking him for pictures. They weren’t terrible pictures, they were mostly us walking into Scotiabank. I just knew that this was going to cause a lot of stir and I didn’t want Auston to have to deal with that. I scrolled through some of the comments and most of them were just asking about who I was, but some of them were pretty mean. I tried not to let it get to me because I know people are just like that and there’s not anything I could do, but it still hurt my feelings to see people saying that I was ugly, fat, and not good enough for Auston. They were even criticizing my outfit, which might I say, I thought was super cute. I had Auston’s blue Leaf’s sweatshirt under a distressed jean jacket with black skinny jeans, white Yeezy’s and a Leaf’s baseball cap. I was starting to wonder if I was in over my head. Here I was sitting in the VIP box in Scotiabank Arena waiting to watch my friend with benefits play in his NHL game. Two years ago, I would have killed to be here. Now, I’m just not so sure I’m cut out of for this. I was about to call Y/BF/N when I heard the door open to the box, I turned and saw that it was Steph. A little wave of relief came over me knowing that she was here now, but I still felt a little awkward because we had never met in person.

She came right up to me and embraced me in a hug. I smiled at her kindness and was hoping it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought.

“I’m so excited that you’re here!! Auston has not stopped talking about you coming for the past month.” She said with a huge smile on her face.

“I’m excited to be here too! I’m excited to see them play live.” I responded.

“It’s great, and we have good seats by the glass which is always fun. Have you been here since Auston came earlier?”

“Yeah, I’ve just been hanging out up here, I didn’t want to risk getting lost and being late for the game coming here on my own, so I decided to come with Auston.”

“That’s probably a good call, it can be kind of tricky navigating around here,” she said before asking, “do you want to go get a drink?”

Now she’s speaking my kind of language… “yes please!”

We made our way to the bar making some small talk about my flight. After we got our drinks we made our way back to the lounge and sat down.

“So, give me the deets on you and Auston.” She said with a big smile.

“Haha, I’m not sure there are really any deets to tell…I’m surprised you don’t know, from what I’ve heard Mitch has kind of a big mouth…” I said with a smirk.

Steph laughed a bit, “you’re not wrong about that one…all I’ve heard is that you guys talk all the time and hooked up when he visited it before training camp.”

“Then you know just as much as I do,” I said laughing a bit.

“All I have to say is that Auston has never been like this about a girl…”

“What do you mean ‘like this?’” I inquired.

“I mean…he doesn’t stop talking about you, he’s been glued to his phone waiting for you text him or call him, and believe it or not, he hasn’t been going home with girls as much as he usually does…”

“Wait he doesn’t?”

“Not really, I don’t remember the last time he took someone home with him…do you sleep with other guys?”

“I mean not really, I did sleep with this one guy a couple of months ago, but it was kind of drunken mistake. When Auston visited we talked about what we were and we both decided that we were fine just being friends with benefits, which I actually am fine with, I just don’t really have the urge to sleep with anyone else.”

“I think he’s feeling the same way, but don’t say anything to him, he should probably talk to you about this himself.” She said with a small smile.

We sat in silence for a few moments when more people came in. There was a pack of blondes that walked over to us. Steph introduced me to everyone, and I made some small talk with them for a little bit before the game started. Right before Steph and I made our way down to our seats, Christina came in with her boys. She immediately recognized who I was, I’m assuming now that Auston had shown her pictures, and I got a similar welcome to what Steph gave me. She gave me a huge hug and said how glad she was to finally meet me. I let her know the same before Steph dragged me behind her to make our way to our seats.

We were down there for about five minutes before the Leaf’s came out for warm-ups. I couldn’t help but smile seeing Auston on the ice. He just looked so at peace, even before a big game. A few minutes into warm-ups he skated by giving me a wave and wink. I blushed a bit and waved back. He came back again a few minutes later and mouthed “you look cute as fuck.” I blushed more and that eased my worries about the comments a little bit.

At the end of the second period, it was tied 2-2 and the game was getting a bit rough. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love a good fight, but I was a little worried about Auston getting hurt, and I was hoping for a good outcome, I know how Auston gets after a loss and I wanted to have a good time tonight.

Luckily, Auston scored in the last 2 minutes, getting them the win. Steph and I both cheered before we made our way down the tunnel to the locker room.

We chatted with the other WAGs a bit waiting for them to be done with interviews.

A few minutes later, Auston emerged from the locker room. He still had most of his gear on, he had just taken off his jersey and his shoulder pads. He was super sweaty, but honestly, he looked as hot as fuck. I could not wait to get him into bed. He smiled when he saw me and gave me a hug and kissed my forehead.

“Good game, Aus,” I said smiling.

“Thanks, it was really nice to have you in the stands.” He said softly.

“It was nice being in the stands…” I said before lowering my voice a little bit, “but um, do you think you could speed up a bit? That game winner was kind of a turn on…”

“You got it, babe,” he said before laughing and squeezing my ass as he jogged off to get changed.

Once he came out again, he grabbed my hand and we hurried to his car. We made out a bit in his car before deciding going back to his place was probably better.

As soon as he opened the door and dropped his bag he picked me up and brought me to the bedroom. He let me down on the bed and started taking my clothes off.

“You know…this is kind of a signature Auston look…” He said commenting on how similar I dressed to him.

“That’s what I was going for…” I said kissing him to shut him up.

I was down to my panties yet he was still fully dressed. I stopped what we were doing and started undressing him. I went for his pants as he started unbuttoning his shirt. I took his boxers off and started sucking his dick. I had been waiting to taste him for so long, I went to town. He stopped me after a few minutes and we moved to the bed. I laid on my back and he immediately went down on me. I forgot how good his tongue felt inside of me, the way he sucks on my clit... “Mmmm, Aus. I need to you fuck me right now,” I managed to moan out.

“Anything for you, baby.” He climbed over me and start to fuck me, he started off slowly, kissing me with every thrust. He gradually picked up the pace, before full speed he turned me over and started fucking me from behind.

“Mmmm, fuck Aus, I’m gonna cum,”

“I’m so close, baby,” he replied giving my ass a slap.

A few minutes later we were laying side by side catching our breath. “I missed that so much,” Auston spoke up first.

“I’ve thought about going to bed with you every day…” I responded looking over at him.

“I wish you could…”

“I wish I could too Aus, but I just still don’t know what is happening next year.”

“I know, I know, I just really like being with you.”

“I like being with you too, but I like what we have going.”

“Me too,” he said with a small smile.

“You should get to bed, you have practice in the morning.”

He gave me a kiss and turned off the light and we went to bed.

I woke up the next morning alone in bed. Auston had left me a note saying that he’d be back around 11am, and to help myself to whatever food for breakfast. I laid in bed a bit longer and then decided to get up. I made myself some eggs and watched TV for a little bit before going to take a shower.

When I got out of the shower it was about 10:30, Auston would be back soon, so I got dressed, cleaned up the kitchen and went back to watching Netflix. I had texted Wyatt last week letting him know I was going to be in Toronto and would like to catch up. Wyatt was a friend from undergrad who lives in the area. Since Auston would be gone the whole next day I figured that would be a good time to meet up with Wyatt. I decided to text him and see what he was doing.

Hey, Wyatt!! I’m in Toronto!

Y/N!! I was wondering if you were going to text me…so far so good?

Yeah, this city is beautiful!

Yeah, it’s pretty nice, do you still have time to grab a bite to eat? I was hoping you had some time tomorrow, Auston has to be at the rink all day so I have to entertain myself.

Yeah, I’m free all day, we could get lunch?

That works, can’t wait. :)

Great, I’ll text you tomorrow.

As soon as I read his text, Auston walked through the door. I smiled as he set his bag down and made his way over to me.

“How was practice?” I asked.

“It was good, tiring.”

“Are you hungry?”

“Starving…do you want to go out?”

“Whatever you want.”

“Yeah, I don’t feel like cooking, give me 10 to change?”

“Of course!” I said with a smile. He pecked my lips before heading off to change.

He emerged a few minutes later and we headed out to a nice Mexican restaurant for lunch.

We made some small talk before he brought up what I could do the next day while he was at the rink.

“Actually, I have a friend, I think I’ve mentioned him before…but I think we are going to lunch.”

“Ohh, yeah. I do remember you mentioning him. He lives in Toronto?”

“Yeah, he goes to medical school here.”

“Is he from the states?” “No, he’s from a place about an hour from here, but he played at CU.”

“Ohh, that’s right.”

I was trying to read Auston, I couldn’t tell if he was bothered by it or not. Wyatt and I were kind of friends with benefits throughout our four years, but that was it, we don’t really talk so much anymore, but I haven’t told Auston that we did hook up. I feel like I should because it was don’t want to shady, but there isn’t anything to worry about so I don’t want to make him upset.

“…is that okay?” I asked.

“Of course, I’m glad you have something to do tomorrow.” He responded pointedly.

“You seem kind of upset about it…”

“I’m not, I just wasn’t expecting you to hang out with another guy I guess…”

“We’re just friends, Aus. We haven’t even really talked much since we graduated, I just thought it would be nice to catch up and I wouldn’t have to sit in your apartment all day.”

“Did you ever sleep with him?” He asked.

“We did have sex, but it never became anything more, we were just friends with benefits.”

“Is he going to want to sleep with you?”

“I don’t know, maybe, but I’m not going to.”

“Why not?”

“Because, I’m here with you, and I don’t want or need to sleep with him.”

“So, you just want to have lunch with him for something to do tomorrow?”

“I mean yeah, but besides the sex, we were really good friends, and I miss him, and I’d like to catch up.”

He looked at me kind of quizzically.

“If you don’t want me to, I won’t go.”

“No, no, it’s fine, really.”

“Really?” I asked incredulously.

“Really. I want you to catch up and have a good time. You should ask him to go to the game too.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, and you can invite him to go out with us after.”

I eyed him curiously, he laughed a little and reassured me he was fine with it.

“Okay then…”

Our food had come, which I was thankful for because that conversation was not fun to have. I was hoping this wouldn’t affect the rest of our week. I understand why Auston might be a little upset, but we aren’t together, and I truly don’t want to sleep with Wyatt.

Luckily, the rest of the lunch was fine. We went to back to Auston’s and just spent the day lounging around and watching movies. We made spaghetti for dinner and ended up having a little bit of a food fight. By the time we finished cleaning up and actually eating it was around eight. We started getting ready for bed because Auston had to be up early, but, of course, got a quickie in before actually going to bed.

I got up to pee before shutting the light off, when I got back into bed Auston was already half asleep.

“Goodnight, Y/N/N,” He mumbled.

“Goodnight, Aus,” I said softly.

The next morning, I woke to an empty bed. I noticed a note left on his pillow. Have a good day, today! I’ll text you when I can, and I’ll see you tonight <3

I smiled at the note before putting it on the nightstand and laying back down for a little bit. It was only 9:00am so I decided to rest for a little bit longer.

I sent Auston a text, saying thank you for the note and that I hope he has a good day. I didn’t expect a response anytime soon since he said he would be really busy all day.

I scrolled through Instagram and Twitter, everyone was asking about who this “mystery girl” with Auston is. All of my social media accounts are private, except for VSCO, which is linked in my Instagram bio and I have been getting more followers since arriving in Toronto. I think it’s kind of funny, never in a million years did I think people would be in a frenzy over who I am. In the middle of scrolling through Instagram, Wyatt texted me.

Hey, Y/N, you still free to get lunch?

Yeah! When do you want to go?

12:30 work?

Yeah, that’s good.

Alright, do you want to just meet there?

Works for me

Cool, I’ll send you the address.

Perfect, can’t wait to see you!!

I set my phone down and got up to shower. I stood under the running water just thinking about how crazy it is that I am in Auston Matthew’s bathroom. I think about it a lot, but I still just can’t believe this is where my life is at right now. After bringing myself back down to earth, I finish up shampooing and conditioning my hair and I hop out of the shower to get dressed. I checked my phone and I had a few text messages, one was from Auston checking in, one was from April, and one from Wyatt telling me where the restaurant was. I sent a quick reply to Auston before responding to April and then looking up the restaurant. It said it was about a 15-minute walk from Auston’s which I decided to do because it wasn’t super cold out and it would give me a chance to see some of the city.

I finished getting dressed and decided to head out, I could just walk around a little bit since I was a little early.

I got the restaurant a few minutes early, but when I got inside I spotted Wyatt sitting at a table. He spotted me and stood up as I approached him, he wrapped in a big hug and then we both sat down.

“It’s so nice to see you,” I said with a huge smile.

“I know, you look great,” He reciprocated.

“Thanks,” I said, blushing a bit, “so how have you been???”

“Pretty good, med school is kicking my ass, but I love it.”

“Good, I’m sure it is…I’m nervous I won’t get in anywhere.”

“Don’t be nervous, I’m sure you’ll get in somewhere…hopefully here!!”

“Haha, yeah. That would be pretty cool.”

“So, speaking of…what is the deal with this whole Auston Matthews thing?”

Just as he finished asking me, the waitress came up to take our order. We ordered our food and went right back into our conversation.

“Well, I told you we met over the summer, we talked almost every day for the rest of the summer and he came back to visit before he came here for training, and now I’m here.”

“You’re not dating though?”

“No, we decided with the distance we were good just being friends.”

“But you also sleep together I’m assuming…?”

“Well yeah, but we’ve only actually been together in person 3 times.”

“Gotcha….” He said giving me a look.

“What’s that look for?”

“Nothing... just be careful…”

“I know, I’m not naïve, I know how hockey players are…” giving him an accusing look, he threw up his arms in surrender before i kept going on, “and that’s part of the reason we’re not dating, I don’t want to hold him back, and I also don’t want to worry about him cheating on me every day.”

“Okay, well as long as you know what you’re doing.”

“I do but thank you for the concern.”

Our food came, and we ended up talking for about another hour. We realized we should probably go somewhere else so they could have the table back.

“Do you want to go back to my place? It’s not far from here.” He asked.

“Sure!”

We made our way to his place, it was a lot nicer than I thought it would be. He lives with two other guys, so it was a lot cleaner than I had expected. He gave me a quick tour, offered me something to drink and then we sat on the couch and continued talking. I figured I should invite him to the game before it got too late.

“Auston saved me an extra ticket for tonight if you want to come?”

“Yeah, I’d love to.”

“They’re all planning on going out after, and you’re more than welcome to come too!”

“All?”

“I mean not all, but a group of guys from the team.”

“You know, I could get used to you shacking up with one of the Maple Leaf’s…”

I gave him a small push and laughed, “anything to make you happy…”

“Have you met the team?”

“I mean I went to the game the other night, and so I met a bunch of them, but I only really know Mitch well. I’ve talked with Patrick, Freddie, Morgan, Will, and Kappy over Facetime, but I don’t really know them that well.”

“That’s crazy. Do you know who is going out tonight?”

“Not exactly, but probably the guys I just mentioned and a few others.”

“What time is the game?”

“It starts at 7, but we can go a little early and hang out in the VIP box and get a few drinks if you want.”

“That sounds good…what time is it now?”

“Mmm...like 4:30. Do you want to come to Auston’s with me? I just have to change then we can head to the rink.”

“Yeah, that works. Give me a minute to change.”

He walked off to his room to change, so I checked my phone. I had a text from Auston.

Hey, Y/N/N. I hope lunch was good!! I don’t think I’ll see you before the game, but your tickets are in will-call.

Okay, thank you!! Is it okay if we get a few drinks in the VIP box before the game?

Yeah, of course! So, lunch was good?

I kind of rolled my eyes at his persistence about lunch.

Yeah, it was nice, we hung out all afternoon. We’re going to head back to your place so I can change and then we’re going to head to the arena.

I’m glad. See you soon :)

Good luck, Aus!!!

Just as we finished our conversation, Wyatt emerged from the hallway.

“Ready?” He asked.

I nodded, I had called an Uber, we probably could have walked but it was starting to get colder and I wanted to get to the rink.

I changed as quickly as I could and called another Uber, and we were on our way.

When we got to the arena, we stopped and got our tickets and we headed to the VIP box. We had a few drinks and then headed down to our seats to catch warm-ups. I got some butterflies because I realized Auston would see Wyatt for the first time, and I know deep down that Auston is not crazy about him. All throughout the game, Auston kept looking at us. I was starting to get really nervous to introduce them after the game. Wyatt seemed to pick up on Auston’s looks too because he commented on them.

“Are you sure you guys are just friends? He keeps shooting me daggers.”

I sighed a bit, “yeah, he wasn’t totally thrilled when I told him I was getting lunch with you, he asked what our relationship was, and when I told him we fucked he wasn’t too happy. But it’s fine.”

“Are you sure it’s okay for me to go out with you tonight?”

“Yes, I mean he was the one who wanted to invite you. I explained to him that really are just friends and he seemed to back off a bit.”

“Whatever you say…I just don’t want to get jumped by an NHL team…”

I chuckled a bit, “you won’t get jumped, I promise.”

The game ended, the Leaf’s won, which I was glad for because I was hoping Auston would be in a good mood to meet Auston. I lead Wyatt down the tunnel towards the locker room.

We waited for a little while before players started emerging. I greeted the few that I knew, and then looked up to see Auston come out of the locker room. He walked up to us and it seemed like both of them were trying to size each other up. I rolled my eyes before Auston stuck out his hand, “you must be Wyatt, I’m Auston, nice to meet you…”

#auston matthews #auston matthews imagine #nhl imagines

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aleapoffaithfiction · 5 years

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II.

Sarai Nazaire

“You know what I forgot to get while in the city? A pizza. I kept telling myself over and over again that I needed to order a pizza to the hotel and never did. Don’t get me wrong, we have good pizza spots in Atlanta, but there’s nothing like a New York slice. Being that Jesse’s from Chicago, you know they have their own style out there and we debate all the time about which region has the better pizza, but New York takes it by a landslide. Just don’t tell him that I said that.” I stuck the applicator back into the tube of my MAC “Spite” lipglass while she plopped back against the seat in disappointment for having failed to fulfill her craving. I wish she had of said something last night when she decided to travel over from the city to spend her final night on the East Coast at my house. We ordered a couple of dishes from this local Mexican restaurant that left my stomach in shambles throughout the night. I still feel slightly uneasy. Had we gone with a pizza, I probably wouldn’t have had to skip breakfast this morning.

“You’ll be back. We can grab pizza then.”

“I will be. The question is, when are you coming to Atlanta? Come down so we can have some fun in the city. We’re not New York, but the southern hospitality is damn good.”

“As soon as I find the time, I’m on the first flight out there. Contrary to what you believe, I actually enjoy Atlanta. I wouldn’t mind living down there. It’s a great city.” My eyes caught her own as she glanced at me from a side angle and a snide snicker followed to match her mood.

“That’s bullshit and we both know it. You’re an east coast girl to the core. I remember when we were in Toronto at All Star. You looked like a fish out of water. I don’t think I can ever see you moving anywhere else for an extended period of time until you’re saggy and old.”

“First of all, just because I’ll be old doesn’t mean that I’ll be saggy. Have you seen Angela Bassett? That’s the goal right there. Second, I do love it up here but I’m not opposed to living elsewhere at some point in my life. It just depends on the circumstances and opportunities. Right now, aside from it being home, it makes perfect sense to be on the east coast. So, until something comes up, this is where I’ll be.” I was the third hire for The Sports Haven and it was a time clenching phone call that came just before I was due to take another opportunity ESPN presented me with out in Los Angeles. I contacted a realtor in hunt for an apartment and intended to return to settle where I’d be residing, but my destiny ended up being in Connecticut. Though I wasn’t mentally prepared to make such a move, I prayed on it, and was ready. I’m sure it may have been my mother’s prayers of desperation to God that kept me here. She dreaded the reality that I wouldn’t be within close proximity to her though I’m not sure why. We’re not in one each other faces much regardless.

“With the position that you have up there at ESPN, I don’t blame you.”

“And once you’re up there with me, we’re going to turn it up. I need a bit more estrogen on that panel from time to time, even though I hold my own against all three of them.”

“That you do sister. That you do.” Our hands met for a high five and I pulled my small mirror out of my traveling case to check and see if I put on enough concealer. I’ve been dealing with sleep deprivation for the past two weeks or so and it’s certainly starting to show in my under-eye area. The seemingly endless hours at work aside, whenever I do have time to myself it’s either invaded by wanted or unwanted plans with the very view people in my life or I’m trying to tie up loose ends that I am not able to do during the week. I’ve considered hiring a personal assistant but I don’t think I’m at a point where I have the potential to become disorganized or worn down just yet. I intend to give it a bit more time.

“Your face looks good. You don’t need to double check anymore.”

“I’m just making sure everything is in place. I refuse to have Linda touching my face today or ever again. I avoid it at all costs.” I’m not one to discriminate against anyone or much of anything for as long as it’s not arming people, but I absolutely do have a bias when it comes to who does my hair and make-up. I need black hands and talent involved in the process at all times. Sure, there’s talent in every ethnic group, but when it comes to those of your own, there’s a certain level of respect and dedication you’re not going to get elsewhere. I know my foundation shade is going to be on point and that the concealer shade won’t have me in front of the camera looking like Casper The Friendly Ghost. My baby hairs are going to be slicked down just right when I’m rocking some braids and the frontal on my wigs will blend into my hairline seamlessly. If it’s one thing that I don’t play around with, it’s my personal presentation and it’s because I know that I’m going to be critiqued the harshest for two specific discrimination types; my blackness and womanhood. During my contract negotiation, EPSN agreed to hire hairstylist Annagjid Taylor, a mutual friend of my sister and myself. I’ve yet to find a make-up artist but until I do, I’ll handle it on my own. Linda can stay out of my dressing room.

“That woman slightly messed up your make up once and you’ve been holding a grudge against her ever since.” I couldn’t join her in the laughter that filled the SUV. My ears, overall face, and neck were three different colors that day and it was beyond obvious. My mother was the first one to call me and ask what the hell was going on and she doesn’t even watch ESPN. Social media had a field day with it.

“And I’m keeping that grudge.”

“I forgot to mention that I saw you speaking with Odell at the party. That’s one of my favorite guys. He has such a humble spirit and he’s super nice.”

“Hm.”

During the time frame when I was researching his career and background, I viewed plenty of interviews where I can easily admit that he exuded a calmness that I did not expect. After having heard so many opposing and confusing opinions about his character, I presumed that he’d be the “push back” style of athlete who deliberately gave reporters a difficult time in drawing information and responses out of him simply because he could. I’ve dealt with many of those types and it takes the patience of God to be able to sit or stand before them without reacting to such brutal attitudes. Marshawn Lynch is a prime example of one, but I’ve gotten used to it and we’ve built up a mutual respect for one another. Beckham Jr., on the other hand, isn’t likely to behave that way. He’ll give you short answers if he’s flustered or dealing with the disappointment of a game loss. You might receive a deliberate straight-faced expression if he’s being asked the same probing question repeatedly, but he’s never disrespected a reporter. I have never come across any bad commentary about an interview with him.

“He’s been wanting to meet you, actually. He spends a lot of time out in L.A. during the off season. While in town last month, I ran into him at an event out there and in the midst of our conversation he asked about you. He thought you were there too. He mentioned something about you two having failed chance encounters. What is that about?

“I don’t know.” Friend or not, I refuse to get into the details about why I had no desire to meet him or the particulars of what he said last night. With Taylor, I know I’ll never hear the end of it.

“So, what did he say last night?”

“He thanked me for what I said and that was it.” Technically, that is it.

“And what did you say?”

“Uh…you’re welcome.” I couldn’t refrain from laughing at that. “What else was I supposed to say?”

“I don’t know. I just thought you two would have ended up speaking more. He’s been eager for that moment. He’s a really big fan. One of the things that I respect about him is how much respect he has for women. There’s no discrimination on his end. The man hosts a football clinic for women every year and the camp that he does for kids is also extended to girls. Whenever we talk, he always gives me props for my career path and then he fangirls over you. He goes on and on about the way you read off career stats and how much you care about the talent over everything else. He’s confident that you’re the best analyst on the network.”

“I’m not the best.” Surely, I’m working to get there, but as of right now, I’m still learning the ropes.

“It’s his opinion, not yours. Stop selling yourself short either way.”

“Well, I appreciate his kind words.”

“He’s a nice guy.” Our eyes met and mine instantly narrowed at her emphasis on his niceness. Initially, I didn’t understand the point of it until that all too familiar smile appeared on her face. “I’m just saying.”

“Okay.”

“Why are you so short about him?”

“Why are you so long winded about him? I thought Jesse’s your guy.”

“I don’t want Odell. I’ve never viewed him in that manner, but I’m not Stevie Wonder and neither are you. The man is fine as hell.”

“Okay.” I’ve encountered more athletes than I can count over the last four years. Initially, I found myself paying attention to the exterior of a few of them because all of that muscle is right there in front of you, but eventually, it became so normalized in my life that it began to roll right off of me. When you’re so focused on getting the job done, who gives a damn what they look like?

“You’re such a hermit crab.”

John slowly came to a stop in front of Terminal B at Newark Liberty International Airport. We’d made it in just enough time for her to comfortably get through TSA and to her gate without having to put her black Converses to the test.

“Text me when you land so that I can know you’ve made it back safely.” We tightly embraced one another as we always do whenever we greet and leave one another. “And don’t forget because you always do and then I have to call and curse you out.”

“I won’t forget. It’s been a fun week with you, even though I’m sure you’re drained because we’ve hung out just about every day after you left work. Finish up strong today and get some rest. I know you need it.” That’s a fact.

“I will. I’ll be in the bed with some sort of take out as soon as I get home tonight.”

“Fair enough. I’ll see you soon.”

“You will. Enjoy Jesse, because I overheard that he’s heading your way in two days and it’s not for work.” It was my turn to imply what actually is the truth. Despite her playful denial about what they feel for one another and how they navigate it, I know what she feels is sincere. Her face instantly lights up at the mere mention of his name.

“You bitch. Shut up. You enjoy your day because I have a feeling that it’s going to be a pleasant one.”

“It’s always pleasant for the most part.” There are days when it isn’t, but anyone with a job can attest to that no matter what position held or how much money is being made.

“Love you. I’ll text you.”

“Love you.”

With two years in, I’m still considered to be a rookie around the studio and yet I can’t recall too many moments when I’ve ever felt like one. The executives, producers, and all of my colleagues have been pleasant. One of the surprising perks has been my dressing room. Like all spaces in the beginning, it started off as nothing more than a desk and a chair in the corner of the room. Since then, it has transitioned from looking like a prison cell to being filled with the warmth of nude shades and the comforting scent of eucalyptus and spearmint. There are a few finishing touches that I’m going to work on, but even without them, it’s nearly as comfortable as my den area at home.

“Good morning Sarai.” Amy poked her head into a small opening at the door in the same manner that she always does, as if it makes her presence any less invasive since she doesn’t knock.

“Morning.”

“So, I just want to make you aware of a slight change on the docket today. We’re going to pull about twenty minutes of the show’s typical running time for a one on one with you and OBJ. It’s just preseason talk. Of course, you two can get into your commentary about him. It’ll be a full circle moment to put a close to that.”

“Excuse me? Is Chad not available for it? I thought we’re having Chris Broussard and Terrell Owens on today?” On Monday we went over everything for the entire week and although we do briefings every morning, nothing has changed until now. I haven’t heard a single comment of possibility that he would be joining us here at the network today.

“As a content creator yourself, you know that it doesn’t make sense for Chad to do it. This is a last-minute call by Chip. I didn’t even know about it.”

“I don’t have any questions prepared for this. This is bullshit.” For the first time ever, I blurted out profanity in the workplace and despite not being proud of it, I couldn’t help myself. I hate being put on the spot with a passion. I am not spontaneous. I’m no daredevil. No, I don’t do everything by the book, but I damn sure try my best to do so, because I can’t stand fucked up results.

“I’d say just pull from priors and maybe draw up a few over the next thirty.”

“Priors? I’ve never interviewed him. Amy, you know this.”

“And I also know of your capabilities, so this will go smoothly. It’s not an in-depth sit down. It’s preseason talk. There’s nothing to stress about. You got it Sarai. You always have it.” Before I could respond, she slipped out of the door.

And that’s the problem. You let people pull some crap on you once and they’ll continue doing it if you don’t put your foot down. They’ve had me go into a random one on one with Serena Williams that wasn’t expected and then there was another with Kobe, prior to his retirement and him being my colleague. Granted, it’s what made him respect me, but I still would have preferred to be ready.

“Girl, you get to sit across from that fine ass man today. Can I meet him? You know I never ask you to meet anyone, but him? I just want to stand in front of him and see if he’s just as fine as he is in magazines and on television. I don’t even care about sports, but I’d make a sport out of slurping him.” I nearly choked on air. Annagjid salaciously ran her tongue over her lips as I glared at her though the mirror and had the audacity to follow up her lewd behavior with a pelvic thrust.

“Just for that, I’ll make sure he keeps his distance. I’d hate for him to refuse to ever come here again.”

“Did you say cum?”

“Anna!”

“I’m just saying. The man looks like a Greek God. That’s Zeus and I’m trying to be Hera.”

“You do know that Hera was most famous for being extremely jealous and vengeful against all of Zeus’ lovers and the illegitimate children he had with them, right?”

“And that’s exactly what I would do if that was my man. Let a bitch try to come after what’s mine and I’m whooping ass on sight.” Her antics never fail to make me laugh and I needed something to lighten the mood after Amy’s curveball in my day.

“You’re nuts. I swear.”

“And your ponytail is looking bomb too. I made sure those edges are slicked to perfection. This dress is hitting every curve and got the ass looking right. You’re ready.” I’d chosen an ash blue sleeveless Roland Mouret pencil dress for today. The only other option I had in mind was this exact dress in black, but it’s Friday and I’d rather not look like I’m heading to mourn someone’s death. It’s classy and there’s something about the golden zipper in the back that makes it sexy. My mother would be pleased. I doubt she’d deem me to be her son in a skirt today.

“I’m ready for what?”

“You have to look your best while in front of him. Every woman should.”

“For what? If I could, I’d interview him in sweatpants and a t-shirt. He’s not President Obama.”

“Obama and those Dumbo ears wishes he looked like that.”

“You know what? I’m not about to allow you to disrespect my forever President over a New York Giants wide receiver, so I’m going to act like you didn’t say that.”

“Oh, I said it. Know and remember that.”

Owens and Broussard were our first visitors which gave me more than enough time to figure out some type of format and direction to what I’d ask Beckham Jr. during every commercial break. I’d describe today’s show as rather lax because we spent far more time laughing at Chad and Terrell’s antics than we did speaking about the up and coming football season and the tension between Kyrie Irving and Lebron James that has lead to him wanting to be traded. You put a set of best friends who happen to be former NFL players together and what do you get? Endless jokes.

“Aye, don’t go too hard on Odell either. You nice as hell but you mean as hell too.” Chad squeezed my shoulders playfully as his warning went into one ear and right out of the other.

“I am not mean.”

“Shit. You boss my bald ass around all the time, but that’s okay, because I like it. You beat by the way. Face is snatched. Edges laid. The ratio between the front of that sandal and your big toe is on point. Apply pressure on they asses.” Chad’s my second favorite, after Fred. I don’t think he takes much of anything seriously and I appreciate it so much because it brightens my day around here.

“You are such a clown yo. Move.” Our laughter filled the set as he wrapped me into a bear hug from behind.

“Don’t laugh too hard because your foundation is going to crack and then you’re going to have smile lines.”

“Never that!” I learned a trick a long time ago to make sure that never happens.

The space where I’d be interviewing Beckham was just another set a few feet away. Though a bit too intimate in setting for what I planned on asking him, I’d take it. It’s less cameras and lights involved. There’s also much less man power around directing which way to sit, which camera to look into, and the timeframe in which you have to get your thought out before moving on to the next topic. When I think back to my days of strictly writing for ESPN Magazine and Sports Illustrated, I can admit that I miss it from time to time. There’s nothing quite like being able to sit down somewhere, with your laptop or even a pen and paper, and just pour your everything into whatever your focus is. I don’t want to say that broadcasting is microwavable journalism because that would be insulting, but it’s extremely fast paced and often time, stories are left behind as quickly as they’re told. I still have clippings of some of my favorite sports articles from my childhood. I have bookmarks online of articles that I’ve enjoyed over the years, some written by people I’ve met in school or elsewhere, and others from those I simply admire from afar. I still grab magazines from the newsstands in the city. Though I do watch all of the other shows on this network, I certainly do make sure to visit the website to check out what our online journalists are writing. There’s something special about studying a subject and descriptively writing about who they are in a manner that exudes the perfect imagery and it moves me unlike anything else. Though I don’t write as much as I used to, I still try to convey that art when I’m sitting down with someone. My aim is to humanize before anything else.

“Sarai Nazaire.”

His low-pitched and yet calming voice commanded my attention and I granted it by turning to where he stood. Much like a week ago, his piercing eyes pervaded my own, as his blonde curls poked out beyond the hood covering his head. He chose to be lax, in a warm green sweat suit and Nike sneakers.

“Hello.” I extended my hand for his own and our skin met in an instant. “How are you?”

“I’m well. How are you?”

“I’m well.”

“This is my mom, Heather.” It was easy to tell. He resembles the tall beauty quite a bit and they have identical smiles. Whenever he speaks of her, he hails her as his reason for not only being but also for the athleticism. She’d been a tremendous track star in her earlier days and even gave birth to him before she could head to the Olympic trials. It makes perfect sense for her to have believed in him when he assured her that he was going to be an NFL player when he was about eight years old.

“Mrs. Van Norman. It’s nice to meet you.” I released his hand and immediately reached for hers.

“Please call me Heather and it’s so nice to meet you. We’re huge fans. We all love you in our house.” If I were their complexion, I’m sure my cheeks would be the color of apples right now.

“Thank you so much.”

“Oh no, I have to thank you. You know, he’s a grown man but he’s also my baby and whenever he is or feels attacked, it feels like it’s coming down on me too. I have never heard anyone outside of friends and family speak as highly of him as you did and it caused such a shift in the way that he is reported on nowadays. He can be a knucklehead and all is fair when he’s having one of those moments, but it really does feel like he’s being given a fair chance to be himself without hell to pay for it.” I’m not a mother, but I can imagine what it feels like to turn on your television or surf the web and see such negativity about your child all over the place. It’s even worse when the negativity stems from situations that aren’t crimes. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing when I sounded off about him, but to hear the manner in which it comforted his mother means quite a bit to me.

“There’s no need to thank me for that, really. The one thing that the naysayers cannot negate is his talent. When he’s on the field, he performs. Everything else is just noise. I believe you birthed a once in a lifetime talent.”

“Thank you.” He voiced the answer for the both of them. She’d been too wrapped up in a huge smile to do so before him.

“So, I’m sure you’ve done a million of these. I’m only going to ask you a couple of questions. It’s a short segment. Anything off limits?” Usually, a manager or an agent would approach me prior to any interview and run down a list of details that are off limits. It’s a power move to make sure whoever they’re representing doesn’t have to face the music when asked a difficult question. If you’re smart, you’ll figure out a way to work around it or rework questions to the point of them telling on themselves.

“Nothing is barred. I’m cool with whatever you want to ask.”

“Oh yeah? So, I can ask about your girlfriends?” A light joke for what is sure to be a lighthearted dialogue between the two of us.

“I don’t have any, but you can ask. I don’t mind.” His broadly built shoulders shrugged while a smirk tugged on his lips.

“Is he telling the truth Heather?”

“I suppose so. I haven’t met anyone just yet. I’m waiting on it though. There’s going to have to be a point in time when someone comes to take over and take care of him.”

“You trying to get rid of me?” He glanced over his shoulder at his mom. I hope to muster up enough courage to ask her about her skincare routine because she has a glow that’s stunning.

“Of course not, but it’s the circle of life my child.”

As the room began to clear, I offered him the seat directly across from my own. I looked on, in observation of his body language. That’s the first marker of whether you’re going to have a smooth or difficult time. He chose to sit upright, with credence, and yet his back rested against the chair in an eased manner. Interestingly, he chose to mirror my actions by glancing over my frame to read me. The odd prickling in the nape of my neck that slowly spread all over was a sign that he’s doing a better job than I am.

“All set.”

It’s go time. This is my field and I’m the quarterback here.

“Welcome back to the Sports Haven. I’m Sarai Nazaire and we’re here with All Pro New York Giants wide receiver, Odell Beckham Jr. Odell, welcome to the show.” Much like our greeting earlier, we shook hands for the sake of the camera.

“Thank you for having me.”

“Now, you’re entering your fourth season with the Giants organization. You guys are coming off of a season where it all seemed to be gelling together towards the second half and that led to a playoff run which ended up being cut short by the Greenbay Packers. What are you most looking forward to going into this season?”

“Winning. I know it sounds cliché because that’s what everyone wants to do, but it really is what I’m looking forward to. It was disappointing to lose in the way that we did. It was a blowout but it just served as fuel for me in the off season. I went harder in everything, honestly. I took some for myself but even in the midst of that, I just worked.”

“Did that loss also cause you to have a hatred of boats?” I had to ask and thankfully, he took it in jest. The infamous photograph of a number of the Giants ballers and Trey Songz hanging out on a yacht in Miami just days before that Greenbay game instantly became a media sensation once they lost. The memes and blame game were non-stop for days. If I were them, I don’t know if I’d want to see another boat again let alone be on one.

“No, I still like boats. I spent time on a boat or two during this summer.”

“But given that you’re on this superstar level, you know that it comes with you living your life under a microscope more than most people do including many of your teammates. So how are you handling that now? For most people, it digs under their skin and it’s understandably so. I know you’ve had your moments of frustration. Unfortunately, it’s not something that’s not going to change. All good comes with bits of ugliness, right?”

“Right. One of the things I’m doing is trying to stay out of the microscope. I’ve found myself spending a lot more time at home and away from anything that draws too much attention to me. It’s been different but in a good way. It feels good to be able to comfortably strip away the guard that you have to keep up because of that microscope. Also, I’ve really taught myself not to take things so personally. I play a position in a sport and it comes with all of that, so I had to realize that it’s not so much of an attack on me and even if it is, it all really stems from that position. I can’t allow that to dictate how I live my life or have my happiness.”

“And you had that awakening during this off season?”

“Yeah. I spent a lot of time reflecting and dealing with a lot of emotions that I’ve never felt before and even some pain that I’ve never felt before. Some of it involved football and there were things that didn’t. I had to sort that out and it did a lot of good for me.” I’m always impressed when I hear athletes speak on their mental health. The world views them as figures who play a sport for a living and earns far more money than they deserve to have simply for being entertainers. The majority of them make more money than the doctors who repair them after injury, which can be quite mind boggling when you think about it. Because of that, spectators believe they’re entitled to dictate the manner in which these people live their lives, the way in which they speak, and the level that they believe each and every one of them should be performing at on the field day after day. People wave the entitlement flag at them when they’re not being puppets on a string and never once take the time out to think about the emotional strain the pressure of impressing an entire public of people can put on a person. I’ve had many conversations, off the record, with athletes who have admitted they’ve fell out of love with the sport they play and represent because of the unnecessarily harsh scrutiny and relentless pressure.

“Do you feel like there are people who want you to fail?

“That comes with the territory. There are a lot of people who do, but it’s fuel for me. It serves as motivation for me to continuing grinding and moving forward for those who do support and believe in me. They’re the most important to me. I meet so many people who tell me that I inspire them to be great. On Instagram I see and sometimes I meet kids who go to their barbers and get the dye and haircut done. I can’t let down everyone who buys a jersey to represent me. After what you said about me, I can’t let you down either.” I held my breath as a faint fluttering filled my core and my body’s response was to reposition itself in the seat. My follow up question instantly became stuck in my throat.

“How does this new found inner peace contribute to the up and coming season and to the Giants locker room? How has Odell improved?”

“I’ve become a better route runner and catcher, but I think the most important part that I needed and have become is a better teammate and listener. I’m giving more and putting more into everything. I can feel it in my conditioning, I put it to the test at training camp, and I’m assured in what I intend to bring to the field this season. I’m excited.”

“I’ve been looking into the offense. There’s Brandon Marshall and your young tight end. Sterling Shepard is looking good. I think you guys have a good season ahead of you.”

“Yeah, the defense has always been there, so it’s up to us to get the job done and I think we’re in a pretty good position. We learned from that disappointment at the top of the year.”

“I’m looking forward to it Beckham.”

“You have to come to a game then. Not as an analyst though, just as a normal citizen coming out to enjoy some Sunday night football.” My laughter infectiously sparked his own fit of giggles and the smile that remained on his face warmed my soul like a ray of sunshine. Does this happen with everyone who sits across from him? How the hell does anyone stay angry with this guy?

“That sounds like a plan. I’m about twenty minutes from the stadium.

“And you have to wear this.” I hadn’t even noticed there was a jersey hanging behind his chair. What made me roar in laughter wasn’t the jersey, but the fact that the numbers were in snakeskin. I’ve been gifted many jerseys but I’ve never seen one customized like that. It’s interesting looking in a good way. I’d wear that as a cute top for a chill outing with friends if the circumstances were different.

“I’ve seen a lot of football jerseys but with snakeskin? Never. Thank you.” I held it up for the camera to see for the sake of good TV and placed it across my lap.

“You’re welcome.”

“Odell, it’s always a pleasure to have you up here. You have to come back soon. I wish you all the best on this up and coming season.”

“Thank you, Sarai.” Yet again, we shook hands and I held up the jersey once more before we officially wrapped.

I’m usually a bit more courteous in the way I send guests off before disappearing into my dressing room, but my goodbye was brief and my heel clad feet couldn’t move fast enough to escape the odd tension in the room. I’ve never wanted him to feel like he owes it to me to be nicer than necessary because I said a couple of decent words about him. While I don’t believe that he has any ulterior motives, I do wonder if there’s this sense of sympathy for the manner in which it worked for and against me. I don’t want to be Odell Beckham Jr.’s charity case because he isn’t mine and he certainly wasn’t that day either. I did my job as an analyst; nothing more or less.

Though she insisted on meeting him, Annagjid left for a weekend at home in Philadelphia but made sure to send me a text message ogling over the way Beckham’s sweatpants hugged his thighs throughout the interview. I’m thankful she’s gone, because if given the opportunity, she would have audaciously told him what I read in that message and it would have been the reason I combusted into a pillar of dust out of sheer embarrassment. With that segment done and no Podcast episodes needing to be recorded today, I can get started on my weekend. I’m not only going to grab a bottle of red wine on my way home, but I’m leaving my favorite spirit shop with two. Once I have my take out ordered, I’ll curl up on the floor in front of my living room table a la Olivia Pope and skim through whatever the premium networks are offering OnDemand. I’m behind on Homeland. Then again, I’m way behind on House of Cards, so a lonesome Netflix and chill sounds much better.

“Come in!” My heels were idly lying next to my chair. I walking out of here in Converses. The bougie can go for the week. Street chic is where it’s at.

“Sarai?”

I’m convinced I’m suffering a karma for something that I don’t quite remember doing or the universe is trolling the shit out of me. Whichever way you put it, over the course of these last seven days, all of the silent and yet minimal requests I’ve had for God and my subconscious have not only been the opposite, but have also been a ferocious time frame of mental gymnastics.

“Beckham. What’s up?” With no hesitation, he stepped inside and closed the door behind himself. The oxygen supply is diminishing as we speak.

“About those tickets. Look.” There were two of them in his hand.

“You never said anything about tickets.” He didn’t. He only encouraged me to come out and support the team. I figured it was in jest.

“How could I invite you to a game and not have tickets for you? These are for the Philly game. We play the Cowboys during week one and the Lions during week two, but I feel like our Philly games are super competitive and fun to watch. It’s the better choice.”

“At home or in Philly? You really didn’t have to do this.” And he shouldn’t have. It’ll only worsen the claim that I baby him and deliberately overlook his transgressions because I have a soft spot for the young players. I never want to be differentiated based upon gender but it’s the way of life and I get the short end of the stick depending upon what I say and who it’s in reference to. It goes beyond people questioning my job and instead, they question my character. My credentials are online for all to see and yet I still am accused of fucking my way to the top. Gossip blogs have connected my pussy to every athlete that has stood within five feet of me and I don’t personally know any of them beyond the former ones I work alongside five days a week. My dating life is endlessly analyzed though the only thing I’m in a relationship with has batteries and sits inside of my bedside drawer. I don’t know what narrative will be painted if a camera catches me at one of this man’s games and I don’t want to know. I’m looking forward to the day when I’m no longer identified by his story. I’d like to think he’s just as sick of seeing my name synonymous with his in the headlines.

“In Philly. I can get you a ride out there if you need one.

“I’m sure that I can manage. I don’t have a car, but I’m looking into a couple of Mercedes Benz dealerships in New Jersey so that I can finally get the car that I’ve been eyeing.”

“What kind? My guy Phil Campbell manages the inventory in both Manhattan and Paramus. I can reach out to him for you. He’s a cars guy, believe me when I tell you. He’ll get you right for sure.

“Nothing too special. Just an A-Class sedan for now. My pockets aren’t as deep as yours.”

“I’m still on my rookie contract. I wouldn’t say they’re that deep.” Rookie contract or not, with his Nike deal and all of the other endorsements he has, he’s a millionaire many times over already.

“Well I’ll tell you this much, my ESPN contract certainly isn’t worth ten point four million dollars.”

“It should be.” This guy. What a paradox.

“So, this Phil guy can help out?” I don’t care about cars enough to research specs and special features. “All I want is a sunroof, seat warmers for the winter, and an amazing sound system. Everything else is whatever, honesty.”

“He knows his shit. I can send him your information. Knowing him, he’ll get back in touch with you within the next hour or so.” Help is help and my pride can shrink enough to get out of the way when it comes to something that I don’t know. I’ve had my fair share of being loud and wrong and it’s not fun being the idiot in the room once it’s all said and done.

“Okay, hold on.” On my desk, I have my ESPN cards to purposelessly give out in exchange for the management or agent cards of our guests. In my wallet, I keep a few business cards where my personal phone number and e-mail are for the sake of obeying my father’s rule about a business card being “far more professional” than stating your phone number out loud while they plug it into their phone. I don’t give much of those out either. “This is my business card. My e-mail and number is there. You can give him the information whenever. I’m not in that much of a rush.”

“I’ll send it to him in a few minutes, that way you’ll be able to go over the specifics about whatever you want.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s nothing. So, about that Philly game. You’ll be there?”

“I’ll try to make it out.” I’m not going. I wish he had of gifted these to a super fan who would have loved to be in attendance.

“Okay then. I’m looking forward to seeing you there. I already helped with one part of your outfit; you just have to figure out the rest.”

“Oh, I’m supposed to be in Giants gear? What makes you so sure that I’m not an Eagles fan? It’s looking like they’re going to have a damn good season this year.”

“If you are, I intend to change your mind.”

“Hm.” The universe can kiss my black ass and it’s quite black by the way.

“I’ll see you soon Sarai Nazaire.” What’s his fascination with saying my first and last name? I’ve never met anyone who has done that and admittedly, it doesn’t roll off of anyone’s tongue in the manner that it does his. Maybe it’s the French connection in Louisiana that aids in him pronouncing it so well.

“Goodbye Beckham.”

Last Friday I had no desire to hear anything playing on the radio and yet the end of this week has John and I bopping to my best of the 90s Hip-Hop playlist on Apple Music. Who the hell wouldn’t start an eighty-seven-degree Friday off with Craig Mack’s “Flava In Ya Ear” remix and an Oreo Cookie Blizzard from the Dairy Queen? The next stop is for the wine and then I’m free to lounge in my living room in nothing more than an old t-shirt and the lace black thong covering my lower half. I may even turn my phone on “Do Not Disturb” until sometime tomorrow. Hell, is Monday morning a stretch?

The buzzing of my phone in my lap paused my backseat party and the foreign number along the screen riddled me into confusion.

You’re not an A-Class sedan type of woman. That’s not for you. An E-Class Coupe fits your mold; sophisticated, sleek, and breathtaking. If I had a say so, that’s what you’d leave the dealership with, but I don’t. Maybe you’ll take my advice? Have a great weekend Sarai Nazaire.

My eyes panned down to observe the minor trembling of my hand and the appetizing blizzard that was now turning into a milkshake.

Or maybe I’ll throw my phone into the Hudson River.

#fanfic #fanfiction #fan fiction #fan fic

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sol1056 · 5 years

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EPs: "we chose Netflix to explore things like sexuality" (nothing was explored or was explicit for even 2 seconds) "when they told us u cant kill Shiro, we knew we could push the reveal 4 later" (so nice of them to admit they stopped our rep just to be able to kill him) "when we found out about byg we knew we coulnt kill Shiro & we thought we'll find rep w another character. Then we learned we could go on w/ Shiro as the rep" (theres ANOTHER REP WE DIDNT GET?? Was it vague then erased? Whatt??)

I think these are two separate issues. One is related to who made VLD, and the other is related to the EPs’ ignorance of characterization. The second overlaps with a bunch of asks I’ve recently gotten about race and representation, so here I’m just keeping it to a general discussion of characterization, with Lance as example. And then about Shiro in particular, how the EPs’ statements reveal their lack of thought.

Behind the cut.

remember where these people came from

The team behind VLD is almost entirely formerly Nickelodeon. DreamWorks wanted to break into television on a much larger scale, and since they almost always promote from outside the company, they lured over Margie Cohn from her position as a Nick VP. As VP/exec levels tend to do, Cohn brought a bunch of people with her.

One of those was Mark Taylor, who’d been involved in both AtLA and LoK. Taylor, in turn, brought JDS, LM, and I think one or two of the other producers. Taylor also probably brought over Hamilton, Chan, and Hedrick, as known entities with proven track records.

These are people who — for for the last ten or more years — have swum in Nickelodeon’s considerably more conservative fishbowl. It’s entirely possible (given what people tell me about storylines in HTTYD, and DW’s open support of She-Ra) the former Nickelodeon team automatically downgraded DW’s “go ahead and explore these heavier/darker topics” to mean “maybe kinda mention in passing but don’t be too obvious about it.”

Now, to be fair, the EPs may have pushed for more LGBT+ rep, and their obstacle might not have been DW, but Taylor. It’d explain how the EPs could praise everyone (read: DreamWorks staff) as supportive, yet allso complain about pushback (read: Taylor’s Nickelodeon-influenced sensibilities). Two different parties were calling the shots.

It’s also possible what the EPs saw as ‘rep’ was still considerably toned-down from what DW execs (and the VAs) may’ve expected. After all, that one-minute scene in VLD might’ve required an act of god at Nickelodeon. VLD’s staff may have genuinely considered this scene landmark because even that tiny bit was far more than their previous employer would’ve allowed.

Cue the victory lap and excited chatter, and seeming blindness to Korra being long since surpassed by Steven Universe, Young Justice, Bob’s Burgers, Adventure Time, Gravity Falls, RWBY, Rick and Morty, Clarence, BoJack Horseman, Danger & Eggs, Big Mouth, and Summer Camp Island. Remember, it wasn’t until 2016 that Nickelodeon would have a married gay couple (in The Loud House), and they’re not even central characters. The VLD staff may’ve thought itself bold, and unprepared for the reality of modern (non-Nickelodeon) audience expectations.

No, I don’t think that absolves them. It just seems the most reasonable explanation. That is, short of seeing the EPs as so utterly cynical they’d pump up the audience for what amounted to a nothingburger in light of what else popular media now delivers.

and then there’s representation

VLD’s troubles can all be traced to one crucial detail: the EPs don’t understand that characters are the bedrock of stories. And as such, there are no shortcuts.

Ever had the misfortune to catch a home decorating show? Here we have a windowless basement: mock up a mantle from polystyrene, paint the walls gray, put up sconces with flickering lightbulbs… it’s still a basement. It’s just now desperately pretending to be something it isn’t. The bones of the structure are undeniably American Suburbia, not generic castle keep, and those bones are integral to how we experience the space.

The average person isn’t trained to be aware of those bones — the underlying architecture — and its subtle impact on our experience, just as most non-storytellers aren’t trained to see how and where and why characters create plot. I guarantee you, though, you will never mistake a late-century Kmart for the Centre Pompidou or the Forbidden City or Mount Vernon. Just as you would never mistake a beginner’s first novel for Lord of the Rings or Left Hand of Darkness.

That is, the dressed stone isn’t paint and plaster; it’s a core element informing (even dictating) height, width, and depth of a space. Characterization is the same: it must be structural. In turn, characters inform the breadth and depth of the story. If your characterization is shallow, wild swerves and dramatic reveals can make the story fun, but they will never make it deep.

I empathize with the (hopefully genuine) intent to avoid making Shiro’s sexuality a ‘reveal.’ The unfortunate truth is: waiting 60+ episodes to even mention in passing makes it a reveal. It wasn’t structural, or viewers would’ve been sensing it from the very beginning.

This isn’t a haircut or a pair of jeans. It’s a person’s identity, and that has crucial impact on hopes, fears, desires, and needs. It doesn’t start only once the audience is let in on the secret; it was always there. It should’ve informed the character’s actions and reactions all along.

If Lance is Cuban, and the story takes place in a quasi-future America, then to understand Lance’s perspective, we need to ask questions like: is Cuba still under embargo? Is it a free democracy now, or did Lance’s family flee at some point? Is he part of an exchange program, or is there a lottery that let him come to the US for his education? Did he leave his family behind? How young was he, when he left? What was his childhood like, and how does that differ from what he found in America? What was his parents’ relationship like, and how does that influence his expectations for friends and lovers?

Was he fluent in English when he arrived, or did he only become fluent later? Does his Spanish have a noticeable accent, and if so, has he felt isolated from other Latinx at school? Or is he the only Latino at the Garrison? Is he proud of his heritage, or ashamed of it? Did he get bullied for being foreign, and how did that change what he says/does? Even if America is joyfully multi-cultural, he’d still be an immigrant or foreigner, and that’s a different experience from a non-white community that’s multi-generation American. What was his impression of his new life? What compared favorably (or not) to his childhood?

It’s not just, “He’s a boy from Cuba.” You have to think about what it means to be ‘from Cuba’ and how this is different from, say, growing up next door to the Garrison (like Pidge probably did). If you put that much thought into it, if you talk to people who’ve lived that experience, if you push yourself to imagine as deeply as you can how Lance’s life would have shaped him?

By the time you’re done, Lance would never need to say a word.

His reactions, his assumptions, maybe a few mannerisms, his humor, a few throwaway comments about his family or things he did as a kid — and there would be Cubans in the audience going, “hey, wait a minute, he’s just like my cousin.” Or brother or uncle or friend. By the time someone asks at a panel? Half the audience would be saying, yeah, we were right, Lance is totally Cuban.

Or you don’t think about it, and you use stereotypes in hopes that’ll do the work for you. As @sjwwerewolf commented:

Man, I’m ready to rant about Voltron. I’m Cuban. Lance, oh boy, Lance. From season 1 on, he has been written as a huge stereotype. The flirtatious, passionate comic relief character who’s dumb. Like. He’s literally Antman’s sidekick. That character. All you need to make him a full caricature is like, “I have a gangster brother.“

The stereotype is a shortcut. It’s slapping on behaviors without thought for a real person’s experiences or perspectives. VLD is, sadly, full of them: the Latino (wannabe) lover, the big guy who likes food (with only the slightest twist to have him actually good at cooking), the boyish-girl who’s a brain and likes computers more than people, etc.

just pull shiro out of a hat

At some point early on, the EPs said (once again in an interview, not in the story) that VLD is a world without homophobia. The story itself contradicts that ideal, or at least, it emphasizes a certain level of heternormativity over an open embrace of diverse relationships. What’s in our face for six seasons is Lance’s lover-boy stereotype, Allura’s attraction to Lotor, Lotor’s attraction to Allura, Matt’s attraction to Allura, and so on… and the closest we get to anything resembling an alternate attraction is one blush from a servant in a flashback, and Kuron’s startled reaction to Keith’s return.

All VLD had to do was have Hunk mention his moms. Or Coran mention his late husband. Or Lance mention his sister’s wife. Something explicit to offset the heterosexual attractions going on. Frankly, for six seasons it was an open question whether homosexuality even existed in VLD: the absence of a negative is not proof of the presence of a positive.

That absence means we really have no idea how being queer in VLD’s world would affect a character — and it would, have no doubt. Our sexuality affects every single one of us; it’s just that straight people have the benefit of seeing the roadmap of their sexuality played out in a million books, movies, and television shows. If you haven’t given thought to whether this is also true in your world, then you don’t really know how a character could discover, define, and map their sexuality, or how they’d quantify or qualify relationships that overlap their sexual preferences. You don’t understand the structure.

That lack of thought means, nine times out of ten, the creator has said to themselves, “it’s easier to just say this character’s experience of their sexuality is exactly like the one I, as a straight person, vaguely recall having (that I never actually had to question because it was already mapped out for me, everywhere I looked).” That’s not a queer character. That’s a character with a label slapped on their forehead that says here be a queer character. It’s paint, because the structure underneath is straight person.

Which means that of course the EPs could consider making someone else “the rep,” because they really seem to believe this is as easy as removing the label from Shiro’s forehead and sticking it on someone else. And it’s not. People don’t work like that. Sexuality is no more a simple paint-job than race, gender, culture, or dis/ability. Each of these things is etched on our bones, literally or metaphorically, and that changes us all the way through.

The short version, then, is: no, we wouldn’t have gotten any other rep, just as we haven’t truly gotten any rep as VLD was delivered. Shiro has a label on his forehead, but unless and until the canonical story demonstrates this goes all the way down to his bones… he’s just a straight suburban basement with a mediocre paint job and some fake queer columns.

#vld #voltron #characterization #representation #sol thinks about stuff

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mimixis · 6 years

Text

Towards the sun - Part 6: Blood eagle

Pairing: Ivar x OC

Word Count: 1891

Summary: Pia just wanted to go to work, but oh well, shit happens.

Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5)

They made a camp in the woods.

The sons of Ragnar and Pia shared the tent as she was closest to them. There were five single beds in the room. Pia had two options: to sleep on the floor or with one of Ragnar's sons. Bjorn and Ubbe had wives so she would probably end up with Hvitserk, Sigurd or Ivar.

She wanted to help with something, but wherever she went she was sent back. They said Odin's representative shouldn't do such things. So she sat under the tree and watched the preparations for the battle.

Pia watched as Ivar struggled to tie the scarf on his face precisely. He couldn't find a balance between. Once it was too tight, and then too loose. Pia stood up, brushed off her pants and went to Ivar who was sitting on the chariot. She took the black cloth from his hands and he let her without a fuss. She tied it perfectly covering his nose and mouth. She looked into his ice-blue eyes. She didn't know what Ivar saw on her face, but she knew it was enough to make him turn his head away.

Pia embraced his face with both hands and put her forehead against his.

"Come back to me," she whispered and kissed the space between his eyebrows.

Men and some women left, and Pia could only look at their backs. Slaves, servants and a small group of warriors, who were supposed to take care of their safety, stayed in the camp. Pia quickly found Helga and Tanaruz. The teenager immediately nestled into her chest and talked about what she had seen. While she spoke, she didn't notice how Pia gave her more and more food. Such an amount that her body could get energy from, but that she wouldn't get sick after such a long time of not eating regularly.

Helga looked at Pia with gratitude. Tanaruz fell asleep after a meal on Pia's knees, calm for the first time in a long time. Pia looked at her and tried to imagine how terrified she must have been for the whole time. Pia could communicate with them, she knew where she was and she had Ivar. Tanaruz didn't know Vikings language, she didn't understand why people who murdered her parents kept her. The girl had Helga that's true. But Tanaruz couldn't turn fear into attachment as Pia did.

She was aware of how unhealthy it was, but she honestly saw no other solution to survive. She tried to think of it as a defence system that her mind created in a dangerous situation. People, who were kidnapped behaved similarly. They were emotionally tied to the abusers, and it was impossible to blame them, but the situation.

She didn't want to think, however, that what she was beginning to feel for Ivar was only the desire to be in a sound living position. She wanted to believe, despite his emotional problems, that Ivar was a good man. He took her in and believed her. He let her sleep with him, shared his warmth and cared for her safety.

"Tanaruz thinks you're a slave like her," Helga blurted. The woman was looking at the fire. Pia stopped combing the girl's hair with her fingers and looked at Helga questioningly. “She only allows me and other slaves from her country to touch her.”

"She scared," she whispered. To show that she meant no harm, she hung her head down in a submissive manner. “She see her parents murdered, and now you suffocate her here.”

Helga didn't answer her in any way. The fire consumed her whole attention. Pia closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them a few hours later, she was alone. She rubbed her eyes, wanting to get rid of the remnants of her dreams, and then she went outside. Cold air hit her and she hugged the fur closer to her. It was still bright so she couldn't have slept long. When she looked away, she saw the army returns. People cheered, patted their backs and laughed. Pia searched for the chariot and tried to hear the clatter of wheels and a gallop of a horse. But there was nothing.

She looked around hysterically, panic overwhelmed her body. Without seeing Ivar, she sought the crowd for his brothers. Every next face she was looking at seemed stranger and stranger. She almost cried when someone grabbed her arm and pulled her to him. When she looked up, she saw the man who had praised her singing. Pia looked at him with her big, fearful eyes and his grip eased. Because of her gaze and parted lips, he wanted to have her here and now. But he knew he could not.

"Ivar asked for you," he said.

“Where is he?”

“A few miles outside the camp. He asked me to bring you to him." The man let go of her arm and motioned her to follow him. “I'm Halfdan.”

"Pia," she answered.

They walked through the forest in silence. Pia didn't comment on how he looked at her, she didn't ask about anything, she let him lead her away. Halfdan didn't fancy the silence that fell over them. He wanted her to say something - anything - about herself. Whereas Pia felt like on the job interview. She never knew what to say in situations similar to this, what response they expected from people. She couldn't tell him what she usually did because he didn't know what television or bicycle was. So she said she loved dancing and singing.

“How you see me?” she asked after he admitted that he would like her to dance for him one day. “A free woman or slave?”

“Is Ivar your owner? Are you someone's property?”

They stopped walking. Pia could see and hear Ragnar's sons from that distance. Bjorn, Ubbe, Hvitserk and Floki stood near a hole in the ground. Sigurd was holding a blade to the man's throat so he would not run away. Ivar lay on his stomach and looked down. Pia's eyes returned to Halfdan.

"Free," she said, pointing at herself. The man smiled.

“Exactly. And do not let people tell you anything else.”

Halfdan turned and returned to the camp. Pia watched him leave for a moment, grateful for the fact he brought back her old personality. She felt peaceful again. She walked toward the gathered, her steps sure and fast. Ivar, seeing her, smiled maniacally. A shiver ran through Pia's back.

Floki forced an unknown man to kneel. Pia watched as the Viking's fingers tightened on the man's shirt.

“I've been told your god is a carpenter. And guess what? So am I.”

Pia sat down on a fallen tree and looked away. She didn't want to know if what they would do with him, would cause her to feel the same as a ritual. They had done nothing yet, and Sigurd was assigned to look after the prisoner. Ivar crawled and sat down next to her.

"You will see how we fulfil our revenge, Pia," he murmured.

He leaned toward her and she moved away. She didn't want to hurt him, but it was not her wish to go too fast either. She didn't want to be just a flame. She didn't want him to be just a flame. She put her hand on his to let him know she didn't reject him; that she cared. She searched his eyes and when they found her, she tried to show him how sincere she was. He saw that and squeezed her hand.

Ivar looked around to see if anyone was observing them. Nobody was around them, everyone seemed more occupied by preparations. Bjorn instructed warriors to do a few things, and they didn't have time to watch a girl who claims to know what will happen in the future and a cripple despised by all. He moved closer to her and this time Pia let him stay that way. He embraced her waist.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. “I would never hit you. However, the topic of Margrethe evokes in me a great anger. Just thinking about what she told you...”

“Ivar, please, tell me what happened. I will not judge you. I will not even say a bad word, but I must know if we..." she stopped speaking and looked at him so he would know what she meant.

“Exactly what you said happened. Everyone had her, so I did too. I tried to make her and myself feel pleasure, but I was not able... I could not harden.”

“Apparently you have a different taste than your brothers and Margrethe didn't excite you. Maybe you need more than a naked body under yourself. Maybe your needs are more complex. You have time to explore your urges.”

"We have," he said, emphasizing ‘we’.

Pia blinked several times, shocked as he spoke about it so easily. She didn't respond for a while, letting his words settle in her mind. She opened her mouth to answer yes, we do have time, but Ubbe called Ivar over. Ivar wanted her to accompany him to a group of people. They stood in a circle with torches in their hands. When Ivar chose the right spot to watch the spectacle, he sat down and Pia stood next to him. Hvitserk and Sigurd throw the man on the board. They spread his hands and held them at his wrist so he would not be able to move them.

Pia watched, though she would prefer not to. Curiosity took over her senses. At first, she was not sure, if she wished to know what would happen, but she changed her mind, seeing how excited Ivar was being. She regretted her decision when she saw Bjorn with a hammer. Not a second passed, and the Viking knocked a nail into the man's palm. He did the same with the other one. The man was screaming in pain, but Pia didn't look away.

Bjorn ripped the man's shirt, then went to the fire with the knife that was given to him and warmed up the metal. The man cried in agony as the blade cut the skin on his back. Bjorn dug a knife into the wood next to him, then torn the man's skin with his bare hands. Pia could see blood, flesh and spine. Ubbe gave him the axe, and though Pia was aware of how cruel it was - she was, she really was - but she stood still like a rock.

Bjorn strikes the axe into the man's back once, twice. Suffering visible on the stranger's face. Blood gushed and hit even her. She didn't wipe it. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ivar creep towards the tortured man. He looked at the life that escaped the man's eyes.

Pia didn't react until the morning when Vikings hanged the man's body on his lungs. She ran to the bushes and vomited. She was throwing up until she began to cry. She sat a few steps away, her back to the hanging man. When she placed her head against the tree, she thought she heard someone's voice.

“How the little piggies will grunt when they hear how the older boar suffered.”

A voice spoke, but Pia only saw a raven.

_________________

@unicornbaby741 @ivarandersen @jamierdr @mulders-xfile

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its-reigningwomen · 6 years

Text

Crazy Rich Asians: Thoughts from a middle-class Asian

*spoilers ahead*

I went to the midnight premiere of Crazy Rich Asians, but it took me two watches to feel the true impact of the movie. I adored the books, but, when I went to the watch it the first time, I only enjoyed the movie. I loved seeing all my favorite characters on the big screen, I was touched that my non-Asian friends were supportive and excited to watch with me, and I did find the movie to be a really fun watch. But there were parts of it that bothered me. Did they really need to ignore important storylines, like the fact that Michael hid the affair because he felt so trapped by Astrid’s family’s obligations? Did they really need to change the ending to have Rachel confront Eleanor over mah jong?

To me, this seemed like a way to water-down the things I related to most in the book, because I’m not super rich and can’t relate to the insane wealth part. Instead, I liked that Michael went out of his way to make up a scenario to rid himself of familial obligations, because I too have felt trapped by family’s expectations, and understand how near impossible it is to get out of them without an excuse they can understand. (And “This situation is not healthy for me and my mental well-being” is not one of them.) I liked that Rachel and Eleanor never spoke about their feelings, and that Eleanor never explained why she was so cold towards Rachel. This resonated with my own experiences with my mother, who never explained why she always criticizes me, but whom I now have grown to see the other ways Taiwanese parents show their love. To get rid of these nuances (by having Michael just be a cheater or for Eleanor to explain herself to Rachel) was to rid the movie of the more nuanced ways Asian families interact, and I took that as a Hollywood version of toning down the Asian-ness of the movie to allow a broader audience to understand. Without these nuances, the movie became just a rom com about rich Asians, and it was fun, but not that touching to me.

So I did a bit of research, and stumbled across an interview with the director of the movie, John Chu. John talked about how he and Kevin Kwan (the writer of the books) decided to change the ending of the story for the movie to nod to the last all-Asian casted movie in Hollywood: the Joy Luck Club. And he talked about how they weren’t sure if they would get the opportunity to make more of these movies (the books are a trilogy), so they decided to change some storylines to ensure that things weren’t left hanging in case they weren’t. And then I understood how these changes weren’t to tone down the story or appeal to a broader (read: whiter) audience, but to ensure that they could produce the best movie possible with what they had available to them. So with this knowledge, I went to watch the movie again.

And this time, I adored the movie as much as the books, and was overcome with emotion. I finally saw it as a movie made for me.

When I moved from Beijing to the States, I was the only Asian kid living in a small town. I was made fun of for my stutter (I spoke Chinese first then learned English as a native language and would stutter when I spoke English). They made fun of my mom’s accent, and called me and her stupid because we pronounced words wrong (even though I had the best grades in the class). I hated that, so I worked hard to perfect my American accent, get rid of my stutter, and pronounce words correctly. I did everything I could to distance myself from my Asian heritage, and from my mother. I did horrible things, like also start thinking and making fun of her for being “stupid” because of her accent, and refusing to eat the food she’d labor over to cook for me because it was “smelly”.

Then I was 12 and sent to summer camp in Taiwan. For the first time in my adolescent life, I was surrounded by other Asian Americans. And I realized how cool it was to be able to speak both Chinese and English, and listen to Taiwanese pop, and watch Chinese dramas, and travel across the Pacific to visit family for Chinese New Year. In other words, I consciously embraced my Asianness for the first time. But when I left Taiwan and went back to the states, I started hiding this part of me again when classmates made fun of my green tea-flavored kit kats and my Taiwanese music. It was only cool to be Asian around other Asians and in Asia, I learned.

Then I moved back to China for high school, and I tried to reclaim my Asianness, but at that point I was too “white” for China. I dressed Western, spoke with an American accent, and hung out at expat spots with other international school kids. The local Chinese kids wanted to be like the expat kids so it wasn’t cool to be Asian anymore. I carried this with me until I moved to the UK for uni, then back to the US for grad school years later, where I was once again put into the “Asian” category where my culture’s food was “good” but still “weird”, and Chinese tourists were made fun of for their clothes and mannerisms. Again, it wasn’t cool to be Asian around non-Asians.

But Crazy Rich Asians validated that it was cool to be Asian in the West. The actors were handsome, the actresses were beautiful, the storylines they kept were great and well-developed, and the views, food, and style was all glamorous. I was so overwhelmed by it all because I’ve never seen Asians portrayed as sophisticated. Asians are always the joke characters - the Chinatown shop owners, the weird neighbors, the nerds, the dingy restaurant chefs. I’ve never seen Asia portrayed as glamorous - Asia is usually portrayed as crowded, smelly, and dirty. I’ve never seen Asian actors and actresses wearing couture gowns and million dollar jewels - Asians are usually portrayed as poor or if they aren’t, as being stingy or having bad taste. Crazy Rich Asians completely shifted that narrative and showed the world that Asians could be rich, sophisticated, successful, sexy, and complex. But most importantly, Crazy Rich Asians didn’t sacrifice the Asianness to achieve this. Crazy Rich Asians showed the West that rich Asian lifestyles could be something to aspire to - and showed us that being Asian is cool, no matter where you are or who you’re surrounded by.

I’ve never felt that way before, and it is extremely overwhelming.

So thanks, John Chu and Kevin Kwan. Thanks for shining light on my culture and for allowing me the opportunity to feel proud of my heritage.

#crazy rich asians #asian culture #sorry for the sentiment #about me #thoughts

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kootenaygoon · 5 years

Photo

So,

Election night was all hands on deck — Tamara was with Pat Severyn, I was with Deb Kozak, Calvin was with John Dooley and Greg was back at the Nelson Star office, watching the results come in and getting ready to post everything online. Over the summer our Facebook audience had ballooned, and we were starting to use Twitter a little as well. Calvin wanted us to compose multiple stories, not all of them destined for print, as the night progressed. Obviously the mayoral results were the main concern, but we’d also have six new council candidates all eager for their limelight as well. We huddled in the newsroom beforehand and went through our game plan. It was maybe 4 or 5 p.m., and we were planning to be there until long after midnight.

“So all of us, throughout the night, need to keep Greg updated by text message. When the results come in, get some quick audio and a few photos, then head back here right away,” Calvin said.

“This is going to be hectic, but if we keep things coordinated we can be constantly posting and updating all evening, in real time. We’re going to plaster this all over Facebook and Twitter, okay? This is the biggest story of the year right here.”

After we talked through some more of the logistics, I headed over to the Legion Hall, just three blocks away, where Kozak was hosting her supporters. As I came in I spotted Cass and Elliot, who had been on her campaign team. There was a lavish spread with brownies and cookies and veggie platters, so like any good journalist I headed straight there.

“How’s she feeling?” I asked Cass. “Stressed?”

“Nah, Deb’s got this. I don’t think anyone’s voting for Severyn.”

“But what about Dooley? Tons of people love him, it seems. Like his people are devoted acolytes.”

“It’s just time for something better. He’s the old-school boys’ club candidate, and that was never the right fit for Nelson.”

Deb was being swarmed by her supporters, but I shouldered through to say hi. She introduced me to her family, and I took some photos. By this point the other female councillors had arrived—Donna Macdonald, Paula Kiss, Candace Batycki—and I spotted a number of familiar faces from the arts scene. People milled around uncomfortably, making small talk and glancing at their phones to check the time.

Anything yet? Greg texted.

Nothing. Lots of people here but no news.

Polls are closed now so it should be soon.

I didn’t have to wait much longer to find out what would happen. Within an hour of my arrival the final numbers were in, way ahead of schedule. A giddy-looking dude came striding into the hall and tapped Kozak on the shoulder, whispering in her ear conspiratorially. Cass and I were both watching, food trays in our hands, as I realized I was going to need my camera out quick. I fumbled with the bag, pulled off my lens cap, then weaved through the crowd as the celebratory murmuring got louder around me. Deb threw her arms up in the air, laughing, while around her people started to clap.

Someone yelled “it’s official!”

I saw a flash of movement as a small woman darted in Kozak’s direction. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was Michelle Mungall, our MLA. I lifted my camera just in time to capture their fierce hug. Deb was still laughing, her eyes shimmering with happiness, when I snapped the shutter. It was a profound and intimate moment, one female trailblazer embracing another, and I’d captured it.

As people continued to celebrate, she followed me over to a quieter spot so I could record some quotes on my phone. She shook her head in disbelief, taking a moment to compose herself.

“I’m looking forward to the next evolution of who we can be. I don’t mean that in an airy-fairy way,” she said.

“I think that we’ve been resting on our laurels since the ’90s.”

Kozak said the first point of business was to speak with the new council and hear about the concerns raised by constituents while they were campaigning. That would set the priorities for the next four years to come.

“Elections are a great time of opening in the community, where we’re really engaged in the community and all of these people have been engaging with different people. I want to know what they heard with this election.”

And she made sure to say there were no hard feelings between her and Dooley. She said he chaired council for nine years and put in a “tremendous amount of work and effort”.

“He loves the community dearly. I respect the work that he did. I’m looking forward to his support for the initiatives that this new council will be taking forward.”

After our interview wrapped, I did a quick round of the room to get reaction quotes from the city councillors. As soon as I was finished I sprinted out of the Legion and back to the office to see what the photo looked like on the big screen. I was humming with energy as I uploaded, as I read quotes out loud for Greg to plug into the evolving main story: “Deb Kozak elected Nelson’s first female mayor”. Meanwhile Tamara and Calvin were processing their stuff from the other camps, both to contribute to the main story and to include in secondary pieces. I wrote and published a side-story quoting the female councillors congratulating Kozak and remarking on the significance of her accomplishment. I delighted in the wealth of social media engagements, the rolling list of comments.

“I still can’t believe John lost,” Calvin said, as things died down.

“I don’t think anybody in that bar had any idea that he was going to lose. They hadn’t even considered it as a possibility. And you should’ve seen the guy: he deflated like a balloon. I felt really bad for him.”

“You think it’s the split that did it?”

Greg piped in. “Well, if you were to take all of Severyn’s votes and give them to Dooley, then of course he would win by a wide margin. But most of the people voting for Severyn would be more likely to vote for Kozak, because they have more in common. The way I figure, even without Severyn in the race she would’ve still been ahead.”

Tamara laughed. “Severyn’s wife was dancing drunk in the streets. She was like ‘we did it!’, ‘we got him out!’ It was so inappropriate. No class.”

“Holy shit, really?”

“This was an ugly election,” Calvin said. “One of the ugliest I’ve ever worked. And I’ve worked a lot of elections. You guys did a really great job tonight, I mean it. It was nice working as a team like this.”

Around midnight I trudged home in the dark, slowly piecing together my thoughts and trying to translate them into a column. I’d successfully covered an election, now could I comment on it with authority? In the six months since I’d been hired I was averaging a Kootenay Goon column every two weeks, but so far they’d been mostly autobiographical and light. I wanted to continue to build my skill-set, and I felt like I had some unique insights to share with the community. My lede was half-composed as I pushed through the front door of my house and clumped upstairs.

I crawled into bed with Paisley and the dogs for a while, but eventually went out to sit on the back porch in my robe. The moon was bathing Elephant Mountain in a silvery glow, and I was still buzzing from all the action. This was my life now, being a reporter, and I was getting addicted to it. How had I ever tolerated being a lowly lifeguard? A gas station attendant? I felt like what I was doing mattered. This wasn’t a vocation so much as a calling, and I felt like a true convert. Like I could work at the Star for the remainder of my life and never get bored. It was an excuse, every day, to go out into the world and ask “what don’t I know about yet?” And it gave me access to people and experiences that I never would’ve had access to otherwise. I thought about my family on the coast, who I had barely seen for the past six months, and the friends I was slowly forgetting about. It was true, what people said: Nelson really did feel like a different type of reality. Paisley and I had found ourselves in a magical little enclave, now we just had to make it work. While I pondered this with my chin on my chest, I heard scratching at the door and turned to open it for Muppet. She had trouble sleeping without her Dad. I pulled her on to my lap and listened to the night wind rustling through the trees.

The Kootenay Goon

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musicalmukebox · 6 years

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Let’s Get (Back) Together | l.h. (2B)

Ctto of the gifs!!

AU: Parent Trap Dad!Luke

Summary: A strong love which led to a strong marriage and twin daughters. Yet in the end, it didn’t turn out so well. You strongly refuse to encounter him ever again. But what happens when both of you coincidentally send your twin daughters to the same summer camp in Florida after 10 years?

Word Count: 2.3k

Warnings: slight heated moments and swearing

A/N: Let me just say, I didn’t expect that this series would get so much attention so thank you!! So if you have suggestions or anything else about and for the series, come thru and slide to my ask box. Here’s your side after 10 years, and sorry if the ending is abrupt. Enjoy!

I don’t own Parent Trap and its ideas. It’s only used as inspiration.

1 / 2A / 2B / 2C / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15

Feedback/Questions/Others? Here.

2034, Los Angeles

“Alright, Gina. I’ll be there in 15.” You hung up the phone on your personal assistant, who reminded you that you have an interview and photoshoot with E!News for your film named Take Me or Leave Me. You’ll be interviewed alongside Timothée Chalamet, who played your love interest. Of all the times and days you could have this interview, it had to be at the same day and time when your daughter Stella is about to arrive home in a few minutes.

Great.

Take Me or Leave Me was set in the 1950’s, where there were 2 people named Mercedes and Clark who were in arranged and unhappy marriages. One day, they encountered each other in a diner, where they firstly sulked about how crap life is individually. That was until Mercedes received the wrong order, which so happens to be Clark’s. It instigated them to create conversations when they swapped food. Furthermore, it created a close friendship, which grew something more intimate. But recap, they are married to other people. Was the spark they felt worth to take or just leave it alone?

“We’re home!” You heard your butler, Mark, call out from downstairs of your home. Excited, you ran to the stairs, meeting eye to eye Stella.

“Stella! You’re back!” You called, extending your arms out for an embrace for her.

“Mom!” She shrieked, letting go from her grasp of her luggage, running towards you.

As you two were face to face, you reached out for a warm embrace, ecstatic to finally see each other after a month and a half, which felt longer. As you let go, you were fast enough to observe some minor, physical changes on her.

“You cut your hair!” You traced some strands of her hair.

“Oh yeah, but only a bit! It got really hot there, if that’s okay with you.”

You chuckled. “That’s alright! As long you’re here.” You then raced her hair behind her ear, finding an earring there.

“Ooh, you pierced your ears there too.” You were a bit confused because you remembered that she didn’t want one back in her younger years.

“I was pretty interested with it because it was really cool, and other girls had their ears pierced too. I’m not afraid anymore!” She cheered.

You smiled at her happiness, but then it was interrupted once your phone rang from your pocket. Bringing it out, it was Gina calling. Answering it, “(Y/N), the interviewers are here.”

“Shit.” You mumbled.

“Are you okay, mom?” Stella asked, worried.

“Alright, I’m really on my way, tell her my apologies and stall a bit for me, Gina?”

“Sure, (Y/N).” Giving your thanks, you hung up the phone. You looked at Stella, looking for an answer.

“I’m okay, love. I just found that I have an interview with E!News for Take Me or Leave Me with your uncle Timmy. Would you like to come?” Stella’s eyes widened.

“Oh yes please!” She chirped.

“Alright! I’ll grab my bag and you freshen up, then we’ll go.”

The ride to the E! Studios was pretty fast. Yet it was delightful to catch up with her since you werent able to talk her as much you wanted to. “One night, there was this one girl who dared me to jump in the cold lake because I lost to her in a game of poker!”

“Poker? Oh my, has grandpa been teaching you behind my back?”

“Maybe, maybe not.” She smirked, earning a laugh from you.

“Well, like mother, like daughter.”

As soon as your chauffeur parked the car, instantly so much paparazzi hovered your path to the studios. You held hands with Stella, hoping she won’t panic.

“(Y/N), are you with Timothée?”

“(Y/N), any other spoilers you can spill for Take Me or Leave Me?”

“(Y/N), does Stella know about her real dad?”

That last question was so harsh on you, like come on, it’s been 10 years?

Old news, dude. Yet, you just shrugged it off.

Finally, you managed to bump your way out of this insensitive crowd, and finally entering one of the studios. Instantly, you see Gina and Timothée, or Timmy, by the hair and makeup station.

“(Y/N)! There you are.” Gina called you out as you walked to her direction, then sitting down at one of the chairs to get your makeup done.

“I’m sorry for the tardiness, just wanted to see this little bub before heading here.” You referred to *Stella*, who sat on the chair beside you.

“Oh, I see. So how was camp, Stella?” Gina asked her politely.

“Really fun! Made new friends, got to dance and learn how to fence too!”

“That’s really cool! Any boys?” She raised her brows cheekily.

“Nah, they’re disgusting, and it was an all-girls camp!” She groaned, earning a laugh from Gina and you.

“Well, you never know. Times are different now.“ Gina stated. This is a topic very dear to her heart, especially when she came out to you as a lesbian 2 years ago, and you remained to have your full support and love for her nonetheless.

Homophobia can fuck off.

You also find Gina more like family than your assistant, and that she bonded with Stella really well, just like sisters. As the makeup artist added lipstick, you were done and ready for the cameras.

“Hey, love.” Your eyes glanced at Timmy, looking good as ever.

“Hey, Tim.” You greeted back, facing him.

“I see that Stella is back.” He pointed out as you glanced at Stella, laughing over something Gina said.

“Yeah, just this morning, thus me being late.” He chuckled, looking down for a bit then looking back up to you.

“Are you going tell her about us?” He asked, curiously. You sighed.

You’ve been non-exclusively dating Timmy for a few months, way before Stella went to camp. No one knows except Gina. Ever since you were started filming, especially those intimate scenes, you felt a spark.

A spark you haven’t felt in 10 years. He felt the same way, so you figured why the hell not?

“I don’t know, Tim. She hasn’t had any other fatherly figure in so long, unless you count my dad. Hell, she doesn’t even know what happened, which is not an easy thing to tell and process.” You worried. He put his hand on top of yours.

“Hey, I can be there if you want. I really like you, (Y/N). I don’t her to be left out.” He gave you a half yet reassuring grin. He has a point. Sighing again,

“Tonight. Come over for dinner.” You invited, wiggling out from his grasp in hopes no one saw that moment.

“Alright.” He accepted.

“Okay, guys! Interview time!” One of the producers to both of you, leading you to the area where you’ll be interviewed.

“Yes, slay that smirk!” The photographer, whose named is Finn, praised as he took numerous shots of you and Timmy.

Since you both served so much intense shots, Timmy changed up things and made a joke, which made you laugh and cringe at the same time. Your facial reaction changed the mood for both of you.

“I love these candid laughs, guys!” Finn complimented. Out of nowhere, Timmy brought out Stella to take pictures with you both, which made the mood livelier.

When the photoshoot reached its end, you were ready to go home and eat, but pretty nervous to tell Stella about you and Tim.

“You are so pretty, mom.” Stella complimented.

“Thank you, bub. Everything was much more lively when your uncle Tim let you join in the pictures.”

“True. He’s an amazing guy, he’s the right guy to play your love interest, like awhile, it felt so real, like you were Mercedes and Clark.” She agreed, even mentioning your and Tim’s character names in the film.

“You think so?”

“I know so.” You gave her a smile. Maybe telling her would be easier.

“Have you not felt anything like that before? Like pure happiness?”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you ever felt that with dad?” Her question shook you.

“What’s this question, bub?”

“I don’t know, mom. I mean you’re an amazing and hard-working person, why would a guy like my dad leave you?” You grew anxious at the indirect mention of him.

“Why so curious all of sudden, Stella?”

“You know eventually, you‘re going to have to tell me what happened between you two because it wouldn’t be fair.” She pouted.

“Let’s just say that it didn’t work out because we grew unhappy and held back each other in reaching our goals.” I admitted, hoping she will be satisfied and wouldn’t ask any more questions.

Luckily when she was about to ask again, you arrived home. Thank God. Stepping inside the front door, you were surprised to see Timmy was already there, setting up the table.

“Hey, uncle Tim!” Stella came up to him for an embrace, which he returned.

“Hey, squirt!” He ruffled her hair, making her groan.

“What brings you here?” She questioned.

“Your mom invited me for dinner. I heard there’s pasta and shrimps.”

“Shrimps, ugh. But I can’t wait to eat!” Stella beamed.

“Since when did you hate shrimps, bub?” You asked, confused. This girl love shrimps, especially tempura.

“C-Camp. It was so nasty.” She stutters, trying not to reveal her true identity just yet.

“Well, camp can change one so fast must I say.” As Timmy lets go from her grasp, he approached and hugged you.

“You’re here so quickly.” You pointed out.

“Nothing wrong with that. A gentleman is never late.” He justified, making you roll your eyes.

“Smooth. Kinda.” You joked as he also rolled his eyes, taking a seat in the dining table. As Mark all of you dove in, enjoying every bite. Timmy even brought out some wine for you and him.

“Can I have a sip?” Stella asked as she watched you sipped your wine glass.

“Hmm, no. You’re only 11.” Stella frowned in disappointment.

“Here’s mine.” Timmy encouraged, offered his wine glass to her, letting her sip the delicious wine.

“Timmy, why? She’s only 11!” You scolded.

“When I was around her age, my dad encouraged me to drink wine too because hello, I’m part-French and it’s in our blood, he says. It’s a way to bond with people.” He answers, waiting for a reaction from Stella as she sipped it. Instantly, she spat it out. Probably out of sourness or bitterness.

“I don’t like this! Why do adults drink this?” She blurted, earning a laugh from you and Tim.

“You’ll understand when you’re older.” You responded, stifling in some laughs. Suddenly, you felt a hand on top of yours. You faced Timmy, who gave you that ”you should tell her” look. Lord knows how many times you’ve sighed today.

As you waited for Stella to calm down after her terrible encounter with wine, you spoke up.

“Stella, my bub.” You called.

“Yes, mom?” She focused her full attention on you.

“You know that you can tell me anything and that I can tell you anything as well if times are tough, right?”

“Yes, mum. What’s wrong?” She worried, confused with what you’re telling her.

“Nothing. But I want to tell you something.”

“What is it?” You felt Timmy’s hand again on yours. Stella’s eyes saw that too. You prepared yourself for the worst.

“Your uncle Tim and I are dating.”

She was stunned, her jaw dropping a bit. You couldn’t decipher whether it was bad or good. But to your happiness, she smiled.

“That’s great, mom! Both of you make each other so happy, especially during that photoshoot and interview! I’m happy you’re happy.” Yet you were confused at first, especially just a while ago, she was asking all these questions about her dad.

“You’re not mad or anything?”

“Why should I be? I care about you, mom. You deserve only the best.” She looked at Timmy, standing up and giving him a hug.

“Take care of her, ey?” She reminded as he nodded.

“I will.” It was such a great moment, but it was interrupted when Stella saw the time, shocked again. 10 pm.

“What’s wrong, bub?”

“I feel sleepy and exhausted because camp”.

“Oh okay, good night, bub.” You responded, right before you heard her bedroom door closed.

“Well, I think she handled it well.” Timmy speculated.

“She did.” You affirmed, feeling that wave of relief and sipping more wine, only for Timmy to get it from you.

“I believe you have enough wine for tonight.” He implied, putting back the cork inside.

“No, I haven’t.” You tried to get back his wine, but it raised it up higher so you couldn’t reach it.

“We still interviews tomorrow, love.”

“Ugh fine.” You groaned. Timmy laughed as he put the wine back down.

“You’re cute when you’re annoyed, love.” He complimented, pulling your waist closer to him and his lips just inches away.

“I like it when you call me that.” You blushed, wrapping your arms around his neck.

“You want me to say it again?’ He teased, making you nod.

“Love.” He rasped. Your insides were screaming for help, wanting you to do something about it. You can’t just let him go home without a kiss or two.

“Fuck it.” You instantly planted your lips on him. He returned the desire, lifting you up to the counter. Grinding against each other crazily yet much to your dismay, he was the first to let go.

Hmm, grinding against each other. Sounds familiar?

“What the fuck, Tim?” You cussed in disappointed.

“First, language. Your daughter is upstairs and I’m still seeing you tomorrow.”

“You tease! You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dad.” You rolled your eyes, pulling him closer to you, your lips in near proximity once more. You have your ways on turning him on.

“But you like it, babygirl.” He winked. As you jumped down the counter and led him to your front door, he kissed you one last time for the night.

“Good night.” He said before walking to his car.

“Good night, Tim.” You waved as he took off out your driveway. Entering your house, feeling giddy, you reflected on how life has been going well so far. Great career, amazing boyfriend, a great daughter. Nothing can change that, right?

Also, wine is flowing along your veins, so you couldn’t be too sure.

Well, just get to bed, self.

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