#really considering doing a tumblr break while on holiday
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#really considering doing a tumblr break while on holiday#but I do wanna read fic#and I’m not sure if I have the strength of will to go on here to find fic without checking up on what’s happening 🙈#and I have major fomo#what if I miss out in something wild(ly good)#you know?#but it would probably be healthy 🙈
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Queer music with trans undertones.
That's a topic that I've only breached recently. Call me a little baby queer, but I never knew the wealth of cool music done by very cool people before this. There's a wide range of genres and different types of lyrics to go along with it. In this post, I'll focus down on music that I personally like. It may not be for you and that's perfectly understandable.
Glass Beach is a very cool band and their first album, while unrefined, has 2 songs in particular which I'm obsessed with.
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Bedroom community is such a fun song and really holds true to much of my life experiences throughout my life. Because I live in an environment that does its best to isolate queer folk, that meant that the only way I could explore my gender identity and my sexual preferences was through the internet. And while not the point of the song, the song really gets me pumped up to be an annoying blasphemous little gremlin to all the nasty christo-fasc out there.
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This song brings me to tears every time. The lyrics are just insanely personal and I think many trans femmes could connect with this song. Being misgendered by your peers and especially your family. Needing a desperate escape. Tackling with adulthood. The little holiday feeling of getting your HRT. It's much. It's so much. I'm bursting into tears even as I type this out. This song is so powerful. I can't help it! It's a song about me! Just for me and me alone! It's so personal aa!
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While this song doesn't bring the same reaction from me, the lyrics and the melody is so melancholic and it's such a wonderful song. One of their later and more "mature" works as a band. It's great.
Now I'll do some randomly assorted different artists. I haven't explored their music as deeply as Plastic Beach. But these songs are a highlight for me. And I'm usually a really chaotic listener anyway.
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This song is simple but it rocks. While I'm a gender conforming and very woman identifying trans femme, I'm also aware of the absurdity of the gender binary. And I think that even someone like me is inherently confusing and terrifying to the social systems that uphold this nonsensical binary. This song is a good way to remind ourselves how absurd and pointless our divide between "males" and "females" is not based around chromosomes or other confused markers but purely on cultural indicators of identity.
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This song's lyrics are wonderful. It kind of reflects my recent posts on Tumblr and my frustration on weirdo internet people obsessed with my genitals and being creeps. Because bigotry is creepy and weird. The chorus of this song is especially really good and I find myself humming it along sometimes.
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I'm not into ska, but I really enjoy this song in particular from this genre. The lyrics are fun and the theme of breaking apart and mixing gender identities is fun. It's a fun song. Because once gender stops being used as an authoritarian tool to enforce a binary, it can be fun finding the way to express yourself.
This is some of the stuff I've discovered recently. I think the main reason I'm making this post is a bit more of a serious and grim topic that I've touched upon a bit. I live in the Balkans and I live in a city that's infamous for street fights and toxic masculinity. You can imagine that being a trans femme, even if I pass well, still sets me up for a bunch of dangers. My country's politicians are conservative enough to the point that any idea of rights to LGBT folk isn't even considered, with concepts of queerness being considered a "threat" to the "traditional" family structure. Of course, all of this is a bunch of nonsense.
But it means that spaces for queer people are difficult to find. Apparently people congregate on Facebook, but Facebook where I live at is essentially Twitter. I'm not interested in torturing myself with that. That's left me feeling very isolated. I've recently actually tried to join some local Discord servers, but they were overwhelmingly dominated by cis gay men that seem to only be interested in sex. That's just not for me.
I think listening to music like this helps me feel less alone and more hopeful for the future. If anyone out there is dealing with the same loneliness I am, please find music that reflects your feelings. You'll feel a bit better about the world, knowing that you're not alone and your ideas aren't as foreign as you think.
You're wonderful.
You're valid.
And you're rad as heck.
Queer, trans, non-binary, non-conforming and any fun mixture of sexual orientation. You're the best!
#music#trans#transblr#transgender#queer#lgbt#lgbtq#queer music#trans music#transgender music#small rant at the end#i love you#Youtube
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hi mr bildad um im just gonna dump this here since i have no one else to talk to
as someone who has always praised in their ability to be friends with anyone (i also need human interaction to survive btw) ive been feeling very lonely, especially since now are the school holidays.
my best friend (who is one year older than me) is barely online and doesn't take me seriously enough. and when i ask my friend group (with 2 other people my age) if they want to go out nothing happens. ive asked so many times but it's like they just don't want to hang out. and i keep seeing them post everywhere of them having fun with their OTHER friends (i don't know them bc they're from their primary schools; we are in secondary school now). and the obvious solution is to hang out with my primary school friends, right? well awesome news I DONT HAVE ANY.
and like ive just been feeling really really lonely especially today. i don't even text anyone except for my best friend, and even then she doesnt really respond properly because its like i dump a lot of messages and 4 hours later she skims through them, rinse and repeat.
(also side note i used to have another best friend but he ended up having a crush on me and didn't give me space so i kinda ended the friendship bc i wasn't comfortable with it)
during my entire TWO MONTH school holiday i haven't gone out with friends. not even once. while i see everyone else my age having so much fun and enjoying life while i just rot at home scrolling through tumblr.
so yeah im not really having a great time. hopefully when i get back to school in january things will be better
sorry for the long rant
Hey, kid (human). No need to apologize for the long rant. Actually, I've got a lot to say about this topic, too, so take a toilet break, grab a beverage and a snack, then sit down with your deal old Bildaddy (platonic, metaphorical) for a chat.
First off, sorry you're going through this. It hurts a lot when friends start fading away, and you realize they no longer consider you as close and you consider them. Feeling left out and like you don't have any real friends seriously sucks.
But it's actually something every single person goes through at some time or another--though most of us aren't brave enough to admit it like you have, because it feels embarrassing and shameful. Like there's something wrong with you.
There isn't.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Friends come and go, and 99% of the time it has nothing to do with you, or anything you've said or done. It isn't your fault. That doesn't mean it hurts any less, but it isn't your fault.
But that being said, I promise you, for every person you see pictures of having so much fun and enjoying life, there are twenty--probably even more--at home like you, scrolling tumblr, or tiktok, or reddit, or whatever the kids are scrolling these days.
And even those people you see posting pictures, that isn't their everyday life. They post pics of the good times, not the bad ones (well not usually) or the boring ones. Especially not the boring ones. I bet they do more sitting at home and scrolling than you think. They're just not advertising that for all their followers to see.
But that's not the point. The point is (dolphins! goats!) your current friends aren't fulfilling your need for socialization. And that means you need to find some new friends, anon.
You can still stay friends with your best friend and that old friend group. As in, don't send them a message officially ending the friendship, and don't delete and/or block them everywhere. You can still talk to them in school when you see them.
(Do unfollow them on social media if seeing them hang without you is upsetting--or better yet, pause on using social media entirely--except for tumblr, of course--until you're in a better place, mentally and emotionally. Bildaddy deleted instagram five years ago and never went back.)
But starting today, back off on asking these friends to hang out, and sending long text messages to your best friend that she only skims through. They're not matching your energy, so you need to start matching theirs. Either they'll notice the difference and start making more of an effort (no, not that kind), or they won't and they won't. But either way, you'll stop wasting your time.
Next, you take all the energy you were spending on your old friend group and start looking for new friends.
While you're still on winter break, there might not be as many opportunities, but there are some possibilities. Do you have any cousins around your age who might wanna hang out? Or maybe there are local events aimed at teenagers you can attend? Check libraries and community centers. Or on New Year's Eve, there might be some sort of Parents Night Out event you can volunteer for and help babysit a group of little kids, along with other teenagers that you could befriend?
Then, when winter break ends, look around your school for other students who might be in your same situation--and trust me there are others in your same situation. Is there someone who always sits alone at lunch? Or what about that kid in class who's too shy to speak up? Is there someone getting bullied or ostracized? Someone new to the school who hasn't made any friends yet? Look for the ones who might need a friend as much--or even more--than you do and try to befriend them.
It won't always work, no, cause nothing always works. But it will work sometimes. And you only need it to work enough times to make a couple friends. And if you make the right friend, they might have a friend group that you can join.
I know it's really scary to put yourself out there and make the first move. But you'd be surprised how receptive people are, especially the shy ones who are too scared to say 'hi' first, and rely on the braver ones, like you, for the human connection they need. Because we all need it. (Even me. Because I'm totally 100% human.)
Other ways to make friends are clubs, in school and out of school, which is probably what adults will suggest if you ask them, so I'm not going to spend much time on this. But they're right. If you're not already in clubs--academic, sports, art, books, music, anime, whatever your interest(s) is--join some! If there's nothing of interesting at your schools, churches and other local organizations might also have youth clubs and activities, too.
Shared interests in a sure way to make friends. I see it happening all the time on Tumblr. Those mutuals you wish didn't live so far away? Well, you can find mutuals just like them IRL! (Especially if you start or join a book club that reads Good Omens, or a tv show club that watches Good Omens)
Another option is getting a part-time job at a place other teenagers work. If this is something you can do without disrupting your schoolwork, try it. Fast food restaurants, cinemas, places like that.
You say you're someone who has the ability to be friends with anyone? Well, prove it! This isn't a threat, by the way. This is encouragement. I'm encouraging you.
Now go out there and make some friends, kid! I know you can do it! I believe in you, and everybody here is rooting for you.
And, as always, have an ox rib (platonic)
#bildaddy answers#life advice from bildaddy (results may vary)#have an ox rib (platonic)#bildaddy#bildad brainrot#bildad nation#bildad the shuhite army#oh bildad we're really in it now#oh bildad the shuhite we're really in it now#bildad my beloved#shutanic temple#bildad the shuite#bildad#bildad the shuhite#bilday#obstetrician thursday
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How do you think Dean reacted to Hinny?
Because to him, his ex seemed to not be affected by the break-up too much, and then moved on to a guy that she used to have a massive crush on that took years to apparently get over, and said guy has spent multiple holidays at her house.
I'm just curious what you think Deans thought process was, did he feel betrayed? Did he hate or at least really dislike them for a bit? Or did he get over it quickly?
I just think Deans reaction would be really interesting to explore, and I really like your HP metas and was wondering what your thoughts are.
Well, he breaks a fucking glass. One thing is being surprised and letting the glass fall but he breaks it.
It's pretty obvious that Dean considered the relationship way more serious than it ever was for Ginny. I remember someone once doing here on Tumblr (unfortunately I don't remember who exactly) this whole analysis about Ginny taking the relationship for just a random relationship between teenagers while Dean took it way more seriously. There was a whole thing about how he was chivalrous towards Ginny as a consequence of his father abandoning his mother so he wanted to be the opposite of him, and how the trauma of Ginny not perceiving the relationship as important contributed to his already existing abandonment issues and there was a lot of speculation obviously but it was really fascinating.
And you know, the idea of Dean being terrified of being left by what he considered his first serious girlfriend is not that farfetched. Otherwise, why doesn't he leave Ginny? Everybody knows Ginny had feelings for Harry. Harry and Ginny come back from the summer all chummy. When Ron and Harry find Ginny and Dean snogging, Dean is not afraid of Ron but he is terrified of how Harry looks at him. After the first match, Harry goes to hug Ginny who is separated from everyone else. Ginny spends the whole Christmas holidays with Harry and comes back not wanting to go to Dean (ok that Ginny is a great liar but he must have noticed something). When Ron gets hurt Harry is there with Ginny and she doesn't seem to want Dean around. They have a huge fight over Dean joking about Harry getting hurt. Harry spends the whole book staring at Ginny.
If Dean didn't notice anything he was a bloody idiot. And I think his reaction to their kiss only confirms that Harry was definitely a discussed topic in that relationship. He probably felt a bit fooled and had a bit of that feeling of when you know you were right but you didn't want to be. He was probably also feeling a culmination of frustration built in weeks of seeing them getting closer and closer since the second he and Ginny broke up.
Ultimately he doesn't seem to hold a grudge against Harry, maybe against Ginny? Who knows. But I think once he saw them together it was pretty easy to understand why it could have never worked with him.
Ginny was definitely a bit unfair to Dean, she didn't do it on purpose but she could have treated him better. She was drowning in some good old-fashioned denial. I think it's why so many hinny shippers ship Dean with Seamus, Seamus is the agreed-upon apology gift.
I mean, a Ginny not in denial would have probably broken up with Dean the second he left her alone to deal with Ron.
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Hi, I found your blog recently and really enjoy it. I happen to do statistics in my free time (I know weird hobby), particularly fandom statistics. Feel free not to publish but I thought you might be interested in a few number break downs of the types of submissions you got this year.
Firstly, a few things about statistics: somethings may be subjective like my break down of what's positive v negative and if numbers don't match up its either because I couldn't find a confession, because some confessions mentioned multiple series/characters or simple rounding.
Otherwise this should be fairly accurate all things considered.
There's a fairly even distribution between positive/neutral and negative confessions with 55% of confessions being either positive or neutral while 45% are negative in nature towards the topic discussed.
The number one show confessed about is Lower Decks with 31% of confessions being about the series. This follows with Boimler, Mariner and T'Lyn making up 9%, 8% and 8% of confessions (many confessions including two or more of the characters).
The other series break down as follows: VOY (4%), DS9 (9%), ENT (4%), TOS (7%), AOS (6%), PRO (2%), PIC (6%), DIS (4%), TNG (10%), SNW (9%) and General ST (15%). (This (plus LWD) adds up to more than 100% because some confessions mentioned more than one show + rounding).
The most mentioned character by series are TOS - Scotty (3%), DS9 - Kira (2%), TNG - Worf (2%), AOS - Uhura (4%), SNW - Spock (2%), ENT - Trip (2%), and PIC - Seven (2)%. PRO, DIS and VOY didn't have enough data to make a call as most confessions were about the show rather than character focused and what characters were mentioned tied.
For scale: Moopsy made up 1% of confessions with two mentions. (2/181 - There's like 13 or so MIA confessions, but it's Tumblr, so who knows what happened to them).
Anyways, happy holidays!
Didn't mean to leave this in the box for so long, but here we are.
It's really interesting, too. Thank you for everything.
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henlo my beloveds!! i cannot believe that an entire year has passed in which not a single day goes by where i dont think about, listen to, watch, or fawn over (or all of the above) the most amazing group of young artists that i’ve ever had the pleasure of loving.
below the cut you will find some unnecessary emotional babbling about my short but amazing time as an atiny and some words of love to some of the people on this website who have contributed to that happiness. (fair warning: it is really fucking long i am so sorry and i do not expect many people to read it. tags and messages are at the bottom if that’s what you’re here for)
a week or so from today marks my first anniversary of being part of atinyblr, but it was on the fateful day of saturday july 17th 2021 that i watched my very first piece of ateez content and fell head over heels for fireworks!yeosang.
over 6000 tumblr posts later (what can i say? when ya boy obsesses, she oBsESsEs alright), and here we are. tumblr user woosansang who had previously not changed their url for SIX YEARS breaks tradition for Some Guys. smh @ myself at how whipped i am. @/bowtiescarves, you had a good run.
while yeosang captured my attention literally instantly, some of you know how utterly in denial i was about my san bias, which manifested itself within mere days of discovering them, yet it took me over six months to acknowledge how much he affected me. seonghwa joined the bias line second, officially, but then he got kicked out after deja vu because apparently i can’t take him seriously when he’s got pink hair or something idk. anyway, for all of one week i was posting about yeosang, san and seonghwa. and then i discovered inception era wooyoung and my life was basically over then. like. fucking goodbye jazzy lol LOL.
i remember listening to compilations of jongho singing for hours. i remember being so upset that they came to australia back in 2019 before i really even knew what kpop was at all and feeling like i’d missed my chance (cut to me now, kind of considering a wholeass holiday to korea for the sole purpose of seeing them live). i remember watching every. single. thanxx stage. GOD. those first few weeks were wild.
then i made my first ateez gifs. of seonghwa of all people. and since then, i have made more gifs and gifsets in the past year than the previous seven or eight years of being a casual content creator combined. (like i said, i’m insanely obsessed but wcyd)
outside of tumblr, i am a dancer, and after only knowing of ateez for a few weeks, my sister (who introduced me to them) and i decided that we were going to cut together a mashup song and learn a bunch of their choreographies to perform at our dance school’s annual concert in 2021. lockdowns and restrictions meant that we ended up learning and teaching this dance to our friend almost entirely online, and if i’m being completely honest here, our ateez dance was one of the only things that kept me happy during all the time spent stuck at home. like. combine dance and my current hyperfixation and you get one happy jazzy. we weren’t perfect by any means, but i was so so proud of our little trio for what we managed to accomplish (i think most of you have already seen my dance but if you want, you can dm me and i’ll send you the link if you want to watch!). our dance was ridiculously well recieved by the audience and i cannot remember ever being happier on stage then when i was performing to ateez’s music. it’s wild how serotonin works hey.
the past year of my life has been hectic, especially this last six months with my new job, and ateez has been the main thing that’s kept me going strong this whole time. they make me so happy, and the friends i have made through them make me so happy as well <3 i am so grateful that i found them and fell in love with them when i did <3
if you read all of that.... wow im so sorry i dont know how to be concise to save my life bsdhfbsd
now because i am me and i am physically incapable of keeping things short and sweet, there are just a few people that i want to say some stuff to that i’m sure they already know but i’m a sap so i’m gonna say it again. behold:
@hwanswerland fio bro idk what to say here tbh you know we are both too awkward and stupid for saying nice things to each other but i guess i have to bc i like you or something </3 fr though you know i do love talking to you, i love sending you stupid shit and bad hwa screenshots and random photos i find on twitter that either i’ve cried over or i know you will cry over. i love how we revel in each other losing our minds over some guys. and i also love how easy it has always been to be real with you, how well we clicked when we first started talking and how much i love waking up to random text essays from you overnight. thank you for listening to my bullshit and giving me your own right back. thank you for understanding my dislike of exclamation marks. thank you for being someone who actually likes to communicate about things if we ever take issue with something or just need clarification because we’re being stupid about some feelings or whatever. thank you for being you. i dont remember how we even became friends but i’m incredibly thankful that it happened. i guess. idk. you’re boring and i hate you. that’s more like it <333333
@sanhwaiting megan <3 beloved <3 bubble tea buddy <3 evil demon friend <3 we havent talked as much lately since we are such busy bees but i love you all the same! thank you especially for being such a kind and welcoming presense in atinyblr when i first stuck my toes into this fandom, for helping me with random cc stuff, for being such a sweet and constant presence in my notifs, for sending me so much stuff that i had to create tags just to keep track of my own suffering </3 i miss our little chats and i hope we can get back to them soon <333 ilysm <3
@hwanwooyoung chey my dearest, i hope you are having an amazing day today because you deserve the world <3 i self proclaimed myself as your emotional support mutual and while i don’t always manage to hold up that promise, i hope you know that i’m subconsiously sending you love and support every day! you’re such a beautiful person and i just want the universe to see that and give you everything you want in life <3 ilysm beloved, thank you for always being there for me <3 <3 <3
@ocean-dreamer-sky-chaser elise beloved!! i love you so much my love <3 im so glad we accidentally became friends lmao i love that i can leave rants in your dms whenever i need to and that we both feel comfortable enough to have deep and meaningful conversations and help each other out, or simply support each other and know we have each others’ backs. and also then i can come screaming about being on my knees for woosan just to have you go “same *faints*” HDSFJHSDK also love that we are both into fic lol it’s nice to have someone helplessly flailing with me about it <3333
@applejongho anne i think you’re just about the coolest person i know. even though we’ve only started talking properly quite recently, you’ve always been an awesome precense in atinyblr and i absolutely love how easy it is to chat to you about the most random shit. also MATH BUDDY LETS GO NERDS <33
@hanjesungs jay, although not really that deep in atinyblr anymore, you remain an awesome friend with knowledge on the most obscure things that i come to you to talk about, whether that be some random ass stage jisung did a year ago or how to build a computer from scratch, you always seem to know exactly what i need lmfao. thank you for teaching me about skz!! you and a few others truly opened my eyes to how fucking awesome they are. we should do another watch sesh soon <3 thank you for also always being there at whatever random hour i start vagueposting on tumblr, you show up in my messages with your love and support and distractions and i love you for it. you really need to get to bed at a reasonable time one of these days though HJDFSJDHF LOVE YOU <3
@blueberrysan shay!!! i love you so much <333 tbh, you are the heart of my life as an atiny, no doubt. you are the sweetest most precious angel and i wish we talked more but we’re both so stupidly shy it’s almost annoying sdjfsd thank you for also introducing me to svt and mr yoon jeonghan! i can’t thank you enough for all of the sweet messages and asks you’ve sent me, the little gifts here and there that i treasure. you’re so fucking lovely shay and i am so glad i am priviliged enough to know you <3 <3 <3
@hyunfelix dani im so glad we found each other again after being mutuals via stranger things without even talking to each other and then somehow being into some of the same kpop groups like a year or two later??? crazy how that happened. we need to come up with some kind of phonecall schedule lmao because we’re always missing each other being online but i love talking to you so much, it’s kind of like talking to myself but with an american accent BHSABD ilysm <3 text me again sometime pls <3333
a smol and special mention to sofie @seonghw-a and simi @yuggietual for the yeotent that i first found when searching for ateez content on tumblr lol, you guys were probably the first ccs i followed on here so you’re my og atinyblr crushes i guess sbdfjhf thanks for all your service to the yeo stans of this world <3
also a smol and special mention goes to the amazing work done by romi @songmingki providing atinys everywhere with content that we would not otherwise be able to access. i thank you internally every time i watch, save, gif, or simply drool over something you’ve uploaded. thank you so much <3
some other beloveds who i haven’t really spoken to much but deserve an honourable mention for making atiny and atinyblr incredible are @97choi @abiaswreck @ateezbiased @bvlnoriyas @dejawoos @jeongyunho99 @mangomingki @ortali @sanshine @seonghwaminho @soppa @lee--felix @woojoongz @wouyoung @xuseokgyu (i am so so sorry if i forgot anyone, it’s late and my brain is fried today)
last but not least, any non-mutuals who happen to be reading this, hi hello thanks for following my insane journey through stanning these silly, talented, gorgeous boys. i hope to stay here for a long time <3
thanks for coming to my ted talk. keep stanning ateez everyone <3
#jazzy's first atinyversary#dont rb#jfc this is a long ass post i am so sorry#but im just so so so so so so so sososo so so oooosoo happy to be here on this platform with these amazing people#i am so happy i found ateez#and i just want to scream about them all the time and you guys let me do that and just nod and pat me on the head like Ok Jazzy.#except fio. u bully the shit out of me </3#anyway HDFSDJKF if u read the whole thing lmk cause im certain it's way too long to be interesting to anyone lmfaooo#pls dont rb though!! replies are appreciated <3
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PoliZ's WIP Update - 27 Dec 2023
A slow-ish writing week, but I’m okay with that, considering the holidays. I touched 4 fics (3 new works & 1 WIP) for a total of 1917 words.
On Ao3, I posted:
Three holiday ficlets:
Deck the Halls - a No Powers AU Stucky meet cute/meet ugly while dealing with a Karen.
Making Room - Post-Endgame Morgan and Tony talking about a family friend (background WinterPepperony)
I Need a Little Angel Sitting On My Shoulder - No Powers platonic Stony AU with Tony in recovery and Steve as his sponsor.
Reluctant Four Footed Heroes - Established relationship Stucky + Alpine and Dodger
Chapter Nine of Never More to Go Astray - Star Wars fusion with eventual Stuckony - finally wrapping up this fic!
On Tumblr I posted:
A (Not So) Misplaced Gift - Bucky isn’t sure what to do with the magical gift he’s been given; Steve has some insight.
I have 16 semi-active WIPs that I’ll be carrying over into the new year 😬 with my current deadlines being the Stucky’Verse Bingo which wraps on 29 Dec and the Bucky Barnes Bingo which wraps on 10 Jan.
See below cut for what I’m working on/planning to work on - arranged more or less by bingos/challenges/etc. As always, feel free to send me prompts or plot bunnies as well as asks regarding any of these projects or any other WIPs I’ve got out there. Interaction really helps feed the Muse and keep me motivated!
Seek & Destroy Collab
After reading @psychiccatpanda‘s amazing Morguna and the Green Queen, I got the itch to explore the Soldier’s POV and talked Faustie into collab’ing with me! We’re working on a new part of the series, and I’ve contributed about 900 words towards the 2500-ish we have so far. Going to see if I can squeeze any of my BBB squares into this fic.
Stucky’Verse Bingo Round 1 - [SVB_R1] (Ends 22 29 Dec)
Seventeen fills, three WIPs and a couple of ideas. Have one bingo & am shooting for hopefully one more bingo with the fics listed below - thanks to the mods extending the deadline by a week!
* B2- Pets - Posted Reluctant Four Footed Heroes on Monday. It was inspired by a round of square interpretation during the BBB Discord party. Stucky domestic shenanigans with Alpine & Dodger which came in at 226 words.
* A4 - Fairy Tale Curse - Despite being custom-made for a continuation of Beyond the Beast, I just haven’t been able to to pull anything together in time. 😞
* C2 - Meet Ugly - Posted Deck the Halls on Friday - a No Powers AU holiday fic that crossed over with my Winter Break Advent calendar prompt Day 1: Putting Up Holiday Decorations at the Hospital. It came in at 517 words.
Bucky Barnes Bingo - [BBB_R5] (Ends 10 Jan 2024)
I’ve got twenty-two fills for four bingos, four WIPs, and a couple more Vague ideas. Aiming for a blackout - we’ll see how close I get!
* B3 - Sunrise/Sunset - squished this into Chapter Nine of Never More to Go Astray to wrap up my Star Wars fusion fic with Jedi!Steve, Mandalorian!Bucky and fugitive!Tony in a Stuckony finale. It came in at 781 words and posted this morning.
* U3 - Fireplace - posted Making Room on Friday - a soft WinterPepperony + Morgan holiday ficlet that came in at 256 words.
* C2 - Yelena Belova– The plan is to use this prompt in the next chapter of Peresmešnik, (aka Three Avengers and a Baby), which is I poked at a little recently and is currently sitting at 1551 words (800-ish of which are mine).
* C5 - Marriage of Convenience/Pretend Couple - planning to use this in the next chapter of Lady Natasha’s Consort and Lord Steve’s Companion. Got a spark of an idea the other day that might get me a bit further on this fic.
* K3 - Magic - Wrote up A (Not So) Misplaced Gift as a crossover with the Flash Fiction Friday prompt [#FFF232 Among Any Option]. It came in at 301 words and will post to Ao3 before this event ends.
* May Adopted - Insomnia - finally got this filled with The Dead of Night, which also filled a Flash Fiction Friday prompt [#FFF211 An Old Friend] along with my JBB FREE square. It came in at 317 words and will post to Ao3 before this event ends.
* August Adoptable: Take the Shot - Got inspired by a discussion over on the BBB Discord server about which Avengers would be the best at pool/billiards - pulled in a BaBB December prompt: Wingman and kept my original WinterHawk pairing to write up It’s In the Way That You Use It - a No Powers AU with a meetup at a bar pool table - Natasha and Steve acting as the wingman/woman. It’s coming in at 1313 words and will post Friday.
Tony Stark Bingo Round 7 - [TSB_R7] (ends 15 Feb)
Twenty-one fills and zero WIPs as of the moment, with a couple of ideas in play.
* S1 - Galaxy - see BBB Sunrise/Sunset.
* T2 - KINK: Cock-blocking 'bots - I still want to combine this with the Fictober Day 27: prompt "I don't know if they will accept this."
* T5 - Shawarma - possible crossover with SAUB Canon Divergence – Battle of New York-related?
* A2 - KINK: Concubine - possible crossover with SAUB Gentle Dom and SRB Multiple Submissives. I’ve got a fairly fleshed out (so to speak) story in mind (Dom!Tony/sub!Steve/sub!Bucky) - just need to get it on paper.
* A3 - FREE – @SomeSortofItalianRoast and I are looking at collabing on a Steve/Tony/Scott fic - still need to throw some ideas around on this.
* R5 - Doppelganger/Evil Twins - The Flash Fiction Friday prompt [#FFF214 Broken Mirror] got me at least a good start on the idea I’ve been playing with for this square. I posted NamNori on Tumblr and have a general idea of how I want to build on it to also fill my SAUB AU: Crack square. It’s currently sitting at 360 words.
Stony AUniverse Bingo [SAUB_R1] (ends 15 Feb)
Another brand-new bingo I’m helping co-mod! Six fills, three WIPs and several crossover ideas already!
* S1 - Edging - Filled this with Ringing in the New, where Tony makes a suggestion to improve/change up their love life. It’s a crossover with a Flash Fiction Friday prompt: How Do You Use ‘It’? and came in at 324 words - I will post it to Ao3 before the event is over.
* S2 - AU: Crack - see TSB Doppelganger/Evil Twins
* S3 - AU: Wings - possibly Chapter Three of Half of the Flesh and Blood That Makes Me Whole - a Bucky POV remix of at least the first part of Take What Was Wrong (And Make it Right),
* S5 - Accidental Baby Acquisition - see BBB Yelena Belova
* T1 - AU: Fantasy - CoffeeOwl shared a really cool dragon!Steve/indebted!Tony prompt in the ACB Discord server that I may be playing with for this.
* T4 - AU: Canon Divergence - see TSB Shawarma above.
* T5 - AU: No Powers - Posted I Need a Little Angel Sitting On My Shoulder last Friday. Tony’s struggling with his sobriety during the holidays and reaches out to his sponsor, Steve. It came in at 484 words and will post on the 18th.
* O2 - Omegaverse - I have a Vague Idea inspired by @kandisheek’s lovely art piece.
* N2 - Mutual Pining - crossover with CABB Royal Knight?
* N3 - Gentle Dom - see TSB KINK: Concubine above
* N5 - AU: Multiple Identities - Posted The Secrets We Keep to Tumblr. It’s a first person alternating POV ficlet with mutual pining (and secret identity) Stony. It came in at 314 words and will get posted to Ao3 before the event ends.
* Y4 - AU: Soulmates - @chrissihr posted a cool idea about Animated soulmarks, where only your SM sees your mark move - may try to do something with this!
Captain (America) Bottom Bingo - Round 2 [CABB] (ends 28 Feb 2024)
I signed up for a 3x3 card for this bingo and have four fills, two WIPs and a couple of crossover ideas.
* A2 - Secret/Forbidden Relationship - see SVB Harem
* B3 - Royal Knight - see SAUB Mutual Pining.
Post July Break Bingo [JBB_23p] (Ends Apr 2024)
One fill on my 2x3 non-fandom-specific card - still working on potential crossovers.
* A1 - “It’s you. It’s always been you.” - This might fit in with my TSB Doppelgangers/Evil Twins fill NamNori above :: ponders::
* B2 - Character’s personality is split into two different beings – I’ve never played with Bucky & the Soldier being two different people, but this seems like the perfect opportunity! Will see what might be a good crossover on BBB or WIB (or even SVB)
* C1 - Touch Starved – another good fit for a Bucky-centric fic. (Steve or Tony or Clint) possibly crossover with BBB Take the shot?
Steve Rogers Bingo - Round 3 [SRB_R3] (ends 15 Jun 2024)
Two fills - need to ponder possible crossovers, especially with SAUB, SVB & CABB.
* A2 - Age Difference - see SVB B4 - Sugar Daddy
* C5 - Exes to Lovers - crossover with CABB - "B1 - "All I wanted was for you to be happy." – Bucky or Tony as the Ex? SAUB S4 - Arranged Marriage might be an additional crossover
* D1 - Multiple Submissives - Stuckony crossover with CABB - C3 - Bath/shower sex and SAUB Y1 - Pre-Serum Steve Rogers?
* D3 - Tony Stark - see BBB Sunrise/Sunset
Build-A-Bucky Bingo [BaBB_R1]
Another fun year-long event from the folks at @buckybarnesevents! Each month there’s a list of prompts and you choose (at least) one each month for your card!
* November: Crackfic - see BBB K4 - Accidental villany
* December – see BBB Take the Shot.
Warm and Fluffy Bingo - [WFB] (no end date)
Four fills on my card, courtesy of @warmandfluffybingocards - need to try for another crossover or two!
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On other creative fronts: I am working on an Iron Man Stuffed With Character figures for an upcoming con - have one figure left to work on for my Marvel Trumps Hate auction winners. If you’re looking for one of a kind gifts for birthdays or other celebrations (besides this coming Christmas), check out Stuffed With Character over on Facebook for a full list of my designs (now over 150!). These soft stuffed figures are mostly Marvel and monsters, but I have some Star Wars, Star Trek, DC and Disney figures as well. Plus I love to take custom design requests for any fandom!
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Friday Fic Recs
Okay, it's not actually Friday but the holidays really threw off my weekly routine and I'm doing my best. So we'll just pretend it's still Friday, yeah? I haven't read a lot lately due to an eye injury, but luckily that's healing now.
What I've Read:
Criminal Minds, JJ/Emily, WC: 5639+ (Ongoing WIP)
Authur: sunshineandguns (@cargopantsprentiss)
Why I Love It: I don't usually partake in a lot of fluffy Jemily fics, but these little glimpses at soft Jemily moments truly make me happy. The newest update 'fireworks' was so wholesome and was a beautiful fic to read to start off 2023! Perhaps, I will read more soft Jemily this year? We'll see!
What I'm Writing:
I started 2023 with a handful of ongoing projects that I'm hoping to work on/finish up in the coming months.
Criminal Minds, JJ/Tara, WC: 55,440+ (WIP)
Update: After somehow cranking out a whopping 13k+ chapter on New Year's Eve, this fic has surpassed 50k!? Wild, considering it's five chapters long so far. I know there's at least one more chapter, but depending on what happens in Ch 6, who knows how much will come after that. Either way, this is my main WIP currently and I really love it.
Criminal Minds, JJ/Emily, WC: 23,428+ (WIP)
Update: I know I announced back in October that I'd be updating and finishing TCAU (after seven years on hiatus) and I finally had the motivation to rewrite another chapter! So this is now re-written/updated through Ch 8!! Guess I better start planning how to finish this, since I only had 10 chapters originally posted from 2015! I'm really looking forward to giving readers an ending to this fic, I know SO many of you have stayed subscribed over all these years...so please know this is entirely for you!
ICYMI: New Fics and Updates
Criminal Minds, JJ/Tara/Emily, (Ongoing Series)
Update: This behind-the-scenes look at [Fooled Around (and Fell in Love)] just got upgraded to explicit with the addition of the non-censored version of a fanart commission drawn by the ever-so-talented @artcake! Check out this new piece of art inspired by the threesome at the end of [Part 2] as well as the rest of the extras in this series.
Criminal Minds, JJ/Tara, WC: 55,440+
Update: Chapter 5 is posted! Like mentioned above, this was the longest chapter to-date, due to how much needed to happen in it. Like Chapter 4, it's a bit emotional and since it's over 13k, I recommend taking breaks while reading it. Don't say I didn't warn you that it's full of feels!
Criminal Minds, JJ/Emily, WC: 11,830
Update: This holiday AU was SO much fun to write and I was absolutely flabbergasted when @cargopantsprentiss drew this incredible [Movie Poster] for it!! I've added the fanart to the fic (with permission). Please go show Rosie some love on the original post!!
Criminal Minds, JJ/Tara, Tara/Rebecca, WC: 4389+ (WIP)
Update: This is a new shorter multi-chap that I started recently! I think it'll be about three chapters and yes, there will be eventual smut. I just really loved the idea of weaving some Jara angst into the reveal that Tara has a gf in CME. Then before chapter one was even done, Rebecca ruined my plans! So I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes!
Other Recommendations:
Past Friday Fic Recs: [Friday Fic Recs - Tumblr] || [CM Fic Recs - AO3 Collection]
Rec Lists: [JJ/Emily] || [Tara/Emily] || [CM Femslash]
My Fics: [Jemily] || [Temily] || [All]
#emily prentiss#jennifer jareau#jemily#tara lewis#criminal minds#cm fanfiction#cm fic rec#friday fic rec#rebecca wilson#tebecca#je t'emily#my writing#one gay brain cell#artcake#my wip#Long post
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Summary 2023
Much to my surprise, this year was not as bad as I thought. Every month, even in November, when I had a bit of a creative breakdown, I found at least one piece of art that I could call successful or that I was proud of! As you can see, CotL drawings dominated, so much so that at one point I even thought that maybe my break from SATIM had lasted over a year - but no. Nevertheless... mainly Lamb, Cats, Frogs and most of all: the bugs pair were what kept me creating (and sane).
First things first. I will present now all the artworks and why I consider them my favourites.
January - There is no doubt in my mind that the last page of the Brotherhood comic is what I am the most proud of. One: that I finished the comic and it turned out great. Two: that it's a really visually nice page (I like the tiny animal skulls on the sides of Lamb).
February - this month I mainly created answers to questions on tumblr, but I am most proud of this work. We (all three of us: me, my husband and our child) love making pictures with ironing beads.
March - I had a dilemma here. Also a lot of questions on tumblr, human versions of CotL animals, but what I liked the most - was drawing character from my original novel Empire of the Sun and Moon (which I'm still writing) while trying out metallic markers. But I also really liked the art-trade I had with DarkTentacles0666. I had a free hand as to what would be on it. I like having a free hand.
April - Lots of answers to questions again, but also a birthday sketch for the second chapter of BATIM. But my favourite is the last SATIM strip before the break - 'cause it's just adorable.
May - This month I discovered the existence of a new wonderful game with a new wonderful villain, i.e. Billie Bust Up. The drawing you see here has not been published anywhere - a sketch of its piece was only posted on Tumblr. But I like it anyway. I literally didn't post anything on deviantArt this month.
June - I also had a dilemma here, 'cause there was a lot of creating. First of all - drawings for Pride Month. But also a birthday drawing (very belated) for DarkTentacles. However, my favourite is this shot of the answer to the Tumblr question. Heket, my love <3
July - Our holiday trip. I drew mainly on sand and I consider this drawing to be the most successful.
August - This is the beginning of my Ink Demonth pictures - but before that there was CotL birthday week. And of all the birthday pictures - I'm so damn proud of Shrumy (Greed). As a character, I don't particularly like him. But he's brilliantly to be drawn for me.
September - Lots and lots of drawings from Ink Demonth. I had trouble choosing my favourites - but in the end I chose these two: a crossover with Samurai Jack and The Addams Family. I love both of these universes and I consider these two arts to be among the most successful.
October - After Ink Demonth, a little drawing burnout again, but two works that I really liked: a Halloween sketch and a moving gif for Friday the 13th. In the end, the gif won because it's a cat. Overall, this month I wrote more than I drew.
November - The least art-fertile month of this year. Neither drawing nor writing. Until I got new markers at work - and I drew the first picture in almost a month. Ta-dah. Not very good, but it was funny, so I like it.
December - I only drew 2 pictures this month (mainly because I caught Covid and literally spent half the month sleeping, the other half I was trying to clean my place), but I'm undoubtedly proud of the announcement of SATIM's return.
It turned out really well and I even feel a little excited about the comeback, but we'll see how it turns out.
If someone also wants to do a summary, here is a blank form. Please, just give me credit.
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¡¡HIII!! i don't know if u remember me, i got into a realll long break into tumblr (u know, mental health, health issues, work, getting so busy to the point where i'm like "i forgor" but then i'm "i rember" that "Oh! I have tumblr, and i have pals in tumblr :0" but i'm so tired that i don't have the energy to do anything) ;;;_;;; but anyways i noticed u are taking a break too i just want u to know that's really good :D it's good to keep ur mental health first! And since i didn't got to wish u a merry christmas,,,, ¡Happy (late) christmas! Or any holidays u celebrate, anywayss, just to cheer u up when u get back on tumblr. Let me tell u one of my weird (slasher) dreams
Ok so let's say that i sleeped, and when i started dreaming I woke up in some kind of fancy house, and I was listening to some weird classical music but it sounded really weird. So, suddenly everything started to shake, I went out to the street because I assumed it was an earthquake but apparently there was no one in the neighborhood but me? And suddenly many slashers appeared around me and in front of me was Ghostface, apparently I had to fight him in a dance battle, anyway we had the dance battle, i danced some strange dance with breakdance moves but we were actually not moving at all and i was kinda scared because ghostface was just standing there and moving around¿ but then I beat him, it all ended in a slasher party with me and Ghostface was crying in a corner while calling people on the phone to pick him up. After that I woke up, I felt a little bad for poor ghostface but well, what can i say i got the moves >:]
WELL GOODBYE RACCOON FELLOW, I HOPE U GET BETTER, DRINK WATER, EAT FOOD, GO CRAZY, GO STUPID ILY I'M SORRY IF THIS IS BAD WRITEN IS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND I CAN'T SLEEP
Bro this could perfectly be considered canon at this point like FR. GHOSTFACE CRYING BECAUSE HE'S A SORE LOSER IS LITERALLY SO ON POINT
And btw I'VE MISSED YOUR CRAZY DREAMS SO MUCH AND OF COURSE I REMEMBER YOU BROSKY. I'm glad to know you were trying to take care of yourself and your mental health and thank you so much for the kind words WHICH APPLY TO YOU TOO BRO, YOU BETTER TREAT YOURSELF RIGHT
I'm honestly trying to understand what I need to do with my life right now, I think that staying active on social media has become too stressful for now so I'm just gonna try to vibe with it and figure my shit out before trying to get full on with the content
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Love Day (A Marriage of Convenience one-shot)
Pairing: Din x OFC/reader/Cyar’ika
Note: This one-shot is written for Valentine’s Day - but in aromantic fashion, of course. Apparently I posted chapter 1 on this day last year!
For those unfamiliar with the backstory: Din and cyar’ika are aroace partners in a loving and committed non-sexual but physically affectionate relationship, who do not consider their bond to be explicitly romantic in nature. They do enjoy some sensual activities like kissing from time to time.
I am feverish and achy as I write this, so if it’s rather subpar I do apologize. Turns out I have COVID despite rigid masking…
No warnings - just affectionate, aromantic fluff.
Word count: ~1.8k
AO3: NewPath3432
Tumblr: NewPathWrites
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“Good morning, cyar’ika… late night?” Din regarded you with a small grin as you stumbled into the small kitchen area, reaching immediately for the cup of caf he held out to you before kissing his cheek in greeting. It was unusual for you to sleep in - typically up and about at the crack of dawn right along with him.
You downed a large gulp before responding, hoping to shrug off the sluggish feeling of inadequate sleep. “Yeah… sorry I came in so late. Those errands took longer than I thought they would.”
He looked at you skeptically. “Those ‘female’ errands, you mean?” He smirked, but you could feel the mild hurt radiating from him. “I know when you’re trying to get rid of me, you know… You could have just told me so.”
This day was going all wrong already…
“Hey, no,” you started, reaching out to gently grasp his forearm. “Just… hold on… I have something for you.” You let go and turned to walk back toward the bunk as he watched after you quizzically.
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While you and Din frequently did each other small kindnesses, usually practical in nature, gestures had really never been your thing. In fact, the romantic undertones of gift-giving and intentional declarations of feelings had always felt a bit forced and superficial - something you’d both gone out of your way to avoid for most of your adult lives.
But all of these things felt different with him. You simply said and did what felt right in the moment, and so did he. There was no expectation. And that made affectionate gestures a whole lot more comfortable.
One of the first things you’d learned about Din when you started working together all those years ago was that Mandalorian culture had deprived him of many things - physical touch, human comforts like sharing a meal with friends or sleeping without his helmet, holidays and festive celebrations… So you’d set out in the years since to help him experience these things where you could… and he accepted those gestures from you readily, trusting that you wouldn’t ever expect something from him in return that he wasn’t able to give.
Today you were introducing him to a holiday celebrated on your home planet. Roughly translated into Basic, it might be called ‘Love Day’.
You had hated it back then - a holiday which forced uncomfortable romantic gestures and declarations of love. But now, in a loving relationship that never felt suffocating like those of your younger days, you had a new perspective. Instead of celebrating romance, you could celebrate partnership - one that had brought you a kind of happiness you didn’t think was possible.
Gift-giving was a big part of it - usually candy, pastries, colorful flowers… A box of gourmet candies on display in a storefront had given you the idea, reminding you of the silly, heart-shaped boxes sold around Love Day on your home planet. It was also customary to go out for a fancy, expensive meal… but that was something you’d have to do in the privacy of your own ship.
You’d been hiding the candy box in a drawer for weeks, but you’d had to wait for a few days break between jobs to find time for scrounging up an appropriate meal.
You and Din weren’t exactly attached at the hip, but if he had no reason to leave your side, he generally didn’t, content to accompany you whenever you went out to the market or to explore the shops. You didn’t mind it - Din was always easy company. But it did present a problem when you were trying to plan a surprise.
You’d gotten around it last night by claiming ‘female’ necessities which you preferred to handle on your own… and that had gotten him off your back rather quickly so that you were free to order from one of the high-end restaurants and hide the prepared meal in the ship’s storage compartment before heading to bed.
But apparently Din had taken some offense, seeing through the lie and thinking that you were just tired of having him around. Well, it was quite the opposite, actually…
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You approached him again a few minutes later, holding something behind your back with a nervous smile on your face. In truth, you were starting to worry that Din might think this sort of tradition was strange. But he’d never judged your affectionate antics before… why would he start now?
Din looked at you expectantly, tilting his head in his usual way to encourage you to speak, a curious grin forming at his lips at your nervous countenance.
“There’s a holiday on my home planet,” you started, clearing your throat a bit nervously. “It’s called something like ‘Love Day’, meant to celebrate romantic love… I thought we could celebrate our… other kind of love… if you want…” You looked up to see him genuinely smiling at you, eyes twinkling with some combination of affection and amusement, a sweet relief to your anxious mind. You took your hand from behind your back and held out the box of candies to him. “It’s mostly about food, so… I’ve got quite a bit in the storage. That’s what I was doing last night.”
He stepped toward you but didn’t immediately take the box from your hands, instead pulling you into a crushing hug before bringing his forehead to rest on yours. “Thank you, cyar’ika. Somehow you still manage to surprise me.” Before you, there had never been anyone in his life who actually cared after his happiness, and it still gripped his heart in joy every time.
You leaned in to kiss him firmly. “You’re welcome, Din. I’ll take that as a high compliment. By the way, we’re going to eat very well tonight.”
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It was one of the most delicious meals you’d ever had. Din, so accustomed to tasteless rations for many years, couldn’t hold back groans of pleasure as he sampled the gourmet items you’d purchased for the occasion. “Holy kriff, cyar’ika. This is the best food I’ve ever had in my life. I won’t ever eat a ration pack again.” His tone put you into a fit of giggles - such exaggerated exclamations being rather out of character for your overly serious husband. The alcohol probably didn’t help…
Din sat back and just watched you laugh for a moment… he really loved seeing you happy. You’d both lived difficult lives before fate and circumstance had brought you together, and it was moments like these that reminded him just how lucky you’d been to find each other.
“So,” Din began as he took another sip of the finest spotchka you’d been able to find, hoping to break your laughing fit with a real conversation. “What is the food about, anyway? How does all of this represent… love?” He was genuinely curious - there didn’t seem to be a connection between the two.
You looked at him with a funny expression for a moment before bursting again into a fit of alcohol-addled giggles.
Now he was laughing, too, but he really wasn’t sure what was so funny. You were just being so… exuberantly joyful tonight. “What?” he finally asked.
You regained your composure eventually, still hiccuping a bit with laughter. “Well, traditionally the food was meant to be aphrodisiacs… Though now I think it’s more about sugar and expense… and less about the intimacies that follow…”
“So it was originally meant to be… a sex holiday?” He was completely serious in his inquiry, but even he could see the humor in it then… especially for a couple who had no intention of ever partaking in that particular activity. “Maker…” he huffed. “Will we be able to control ourselves in bed tonight?”
Your eyes went wide at his dry joke before you were both lost to a fit of hysterics. Maybe you needed to indulge in the expensive spotchka more often - even if just to see him laugh like this.
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Eventually you reached the end of the bottle and made a mutual decision not to open another - you did hope to remember this enjoyable evening in the morning, after all. So instead, you curled up together in the bunk, sinking into each other’s warmth as you so often did in this private space where he could comfortably relax without the armor, chatting over the box of sugary treats you’d presented to him in the morning.
“Wow… these are really good…” Din exclaimed, sucking on a piece of hard candy, a rare delicacy for him. “Grogu would love these.”
You nodded, humming in agreement. “I got a little box for him, too. It will keep until the next time we see him.”
Din’s head whipped around to face you, and he stared at you in wonder for a moment before pressing his lips to yours in a lingering kiss. That you thought so often of his foundling was… meaningful.
“What was that for?” you asked, grinning at his unexpected show of affection.
He shook his head slightly, like he couldn’t find the right words. “I just… I really love you. That’s all…”
You smiled at him broadly. “I love you, too, Din.” Reaching a hand to run through his curls, you added, “Happy Love Day, sweetheart.”
The buzz of alcohol still lingering in your systems only increased the adoration and softness radiating between you in that moment. Without taking any more time to consider, you took action. You quickly leaned into him and brought your mouths together in a deep kiss.
Din was taken aback for a second, as you typically discussed these sorts of intimate activities ahead of time - but he wasn’t complaining. He always enjoyed this sensual kind of closeness with you - free of pressure and always respectful of his own limitations.
But he couldn’t stop himself from making one more dry joke at the expense of this odd holiday tradition you’d introduced him to, as he slid your bodies down onto the mattress and brought one hand to run up and down your back. “I don’t need to worry about wandering hands now, do I, cyar’ika?” he asked, mumbling against your lips. “All those aphrodisiacs we consumed at dinner haven’t gone to your head?”
You pulled back, huffing at his humorous dig at the admittedly silly tradition of your home planet. “Din…” you started, tapping his chest playfully. “We’re doing it our way. Let’s just enjoy this for a few minutes before the alcohol puts me to sleep.”
“Well said, cyar’ika,” he replied, smiling, bringing his lips back to yours. “I like our way.”
If this was what the holiday could have been like in your youth, you might not have hated it so much… Who needs romance when you can have companionship and affection without those strings attached? Certainly not the two of you…
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Thanks for reading!
#din djarin fanfiction#the mandalorian fanfiction#aroace din djarin#asexual din djarin#aromantic din djarin#aroace original character#a marriage of convenience#newpath3432
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This Week’s Horrible-Scopes
It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. It really doesn’t matter.
Aries
When was the last time you checked the safety devices in your home; specifically the fire extinguishers? Chances are it’s been a while. If it’s 10 years after the manufacturing date, you probably want to replace it. And consider this - with a 2-pack running about $50 they make great holiday gifts… to spray at the feet of all the Trick or Treaters! Actually use the old ones for that instead.
Taurus
If you’re trying to decide on what movie to watch this weekend, consider some of the campy 1950’s horror flicks! THEM! Is all about radioactive ants, Godzilla is about a radioactive lizard, Creature with the Atom Brain was about radioactive zombies… It Came from Beneath the Sea was a radioactive octopus… Man, they were really worried about atomic bombs in the 50’s Whatever you pick, just don’t make the popcorn in the microwave oven. Use a wok for the best popping.
Gemini
All we ever hear from you is, “Gimme a naughty ‘Scope. Make my ears turn red. You’re not being naughty enough.” Well you know what Susan? We keep fucking trying! You know how hard it is to skate that line between PG-13 and NC-17? We’re only allowed one F-Bomb, and we just used it because you’ve gotten us so flustered. So you know what? THIS week you’re getting exactly what you deserve: A big fat NUTHIN’! We’re leaving you in the dark about what’s coming up next. How’s THAT, huh?
Cancer Moon-Child
OH! You’re on our shit-list this week TOO, Cancer! Remember back in July when we used the expression, “imitation is the most sincere form of flattery”? Well guess what. The whole quote from Oscar Wilde goes like this, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.” This week start carving your own pathway instead of doing what someone else’s done.
Leo
If you haven’t looked it up, now’s a good time to see where The Rocky Horror Picture Show is playing. The movie is almost 50 years old and it’s still as horrid as you remember it to be… IF you watch it alone. This week, plan on getting out and enjoying a midnight screening, assuming you can stay awake for it.
Virgo
The rule of real estate is “Location, Location, Location”, but with interdepartmental corporate drama it’s, “Document, Document, Document”. No you don’t need to have things printed out all the time, but having your information together will really help you when someone’s got it out for you. This week get to know the names of your data storage technicians; they love to help with a good screwing when it’s richly deserved.
Libra
Planting your own veggies is all well and good, but you’re not getting any avocados out of that Hass pit for at least three years. Worse yet, they don’t like the cold, meaning if you’re in Hardiness Zone 9, 10, or 11, you’re OK. But we’re betting you have no idea what zone you’re in. This week stop growing weed in your basement and switch to avocado plants instead.
Scorpio
Supposedly if you go to sleep thinking, “Tonight I’ll control my dream” you’ll be able to do just that. How cool will it be to live out every fantasy you ever wanted? Be every hero you ever watched on TV. Be the Mad Scientist who beats the good guy and blows up the world. That last one might be a bad idea - if you die in your dream do you die in real life? This week buy a spinner.
Sagittarius
It might have been unfair of us, throwing that trivia question at you last week, but at least we gave you the answer. If you’d read the Tumblr post and actually read the whole thing… Including The Hashtags At The Bottom… you might’ve actually seen it. You figured out how to break the ScanTron Answer Key Setting in high school, how could you miss that being right in front of you? This week just accept that your best days were in high school and there’s no going back again.
Capricorn
After being all upset with Gemini and Cancer, it’s so good to get to you, Capricorn. You’ve always been our go-to for someone to keep our mood level. Seriously, thanks for that. This week treat yourself to a couple albums on us: “The Music from Peter Gunn” by Henry Mancini and “Johnny Costa Plays Mister Rogers' Neighborhood”. Put them on, get some brandy, and just enjoy the night.
Aquarius
Halloween season means costume season. Consider something more minimalist than a full-priced expensive one. Maybe revisit a costume you had back in your childhood days - with the crappy mask with no ventilation, minimal eyesight, and glorified rubber band holding it on. Yes, those OLD-OLD Ben Cooper Costume Kits are BACK for 20 bucks and in your size! This week you’ll be playing chicken with the chocolate discount sales.
Pisces
You’ll be invited to watch a play this weekend, so you better be on your best behavior. You don’t need to wear a three piece suit, but at least wear a long sleeve shirt… and pants! And no, you can’t sneak someone in under your trench coat. How do you even have a trench coat that tall? You know what? Forget it. Just… Just enjoy the show. And please, please… Theatre is NOT conversational. Just sit back and shut up this time.
And THOSE are your Hobble-Scopes for this week! Remember if you liked what you got, we’re obviously not working hard enough at these. BUT! If you want a better or nastier one for your own sign or someone else’s, all you need to do to bribe me is just Let Me Know! These will be posted online at the end of each week via Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook and Discord.
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LONELY HEART || K.DY
Pairing: Doyoung × girl!reader (+ Joy and Taeil)
Genre: angst, a little fluff, arranged marriage!AU, strangers to lovers, kinda slowburn if you squish it
Word Count: 10.2k+ (I know it's a lot and I'm sorry, but hopefully it'll be worth it)
⚠️Warnings: a heated kiss and a morally questionable plot (nothing illegal dw)
A/N: Doyoung is my main source of inspiration when it comes to angst, and I don’t know why. Anyway, it took me a while to write this but I finally did it!!! Hope you enjoy it, though it’s a bit long, and forgive me if there are any mistakes: I always proofread what I write, but I'm sure something slipped away!! Also, if you liked this fic, please consider reblogging it, as Tumblr doesn’t really work on likes, so it would be appreciated if you reblogged it <33
🌼Nct 127 Arranged Marriages!AUs Masterlist
🌼Act I - Act II - Act III
Summary [extract]:
You raise your head and look at him, whose eyes are fixed on the street below you. «Why aren’t you with your friends? It’s your party,» you ask him.
«They all get crazy when they’re drunk, and I’m not really in the mood to support their madness tonight,» he says, grinning. «Taeil is the only one who keeps his cool even when drunk.»
«Why aren’t you in the mood?» [...] Doyoung hesitates before answering your question, letting out a deep sigh. He then looks at you and slowly moves his hand closer to yours until your fingers interlock, making you shiver.
«I’ll get married tomorrow,» he simply says, never breaking eye contact.
«I know.»
«With your sister,» he continues.
«... I know.»
December 24th
Maybe, booking a flight to Seoul on Christmas Eve wasn’t a good idea. The price of the tickets was exorbitant, and you didn’t even manage to fly in first-class since all the seats were unavailable, probably booked by more clever travelers who didn’t wait until the last minute to do so. You can recall telling your mother not to wait for your father to return from his business trip and to leave without him, but there was no way to convince her. Even if your father told her he would join you some days later, she insisted on traveling altogether, which is how you ended up in an airport in a foreign country on December 24th.
The place is packed with people leaving Seoul to spend the holidays somewhere else, or people arriving from their home country just like you and your parents. A man dressed as Santa is entertaining some children who look upset to travel on Christmas Eve while their parents try to cram all the last-minute gifts into the luggage. A group of people walk towards you in a rush, dragging their bags and yelling something in a foreign language - not that you need to understand what they’re saying to know that you should get out of their way. Among all those people, you finally recognize a familiar figure who’s waving her arms to be noticed.
«Joy!» you exclaim, leaving your luggage to your parents to go hug your sister. «I missed you so much,» you say as she squeezes you into her arms.
«I missed you too,» she replies, kissing you on both cheeks. «Oh dear Lord, have you grown taller during these months?» she then asks you, making you roll your eyes: she frequently takes advantage of her height to make fun of you, and you’ll never get used to it.
«I tried, but that ‘dear Lord’ said one giraffe is enough for our family!»
She giggles and walks over to hug your parents, and that’s when you notice the man who had been standing behind her the entire time. He’s tall and slim, with gleaming skin and eyes as dark as the night sky outside. He’s wearing designer clothes, probably even more expensive than the ones your sister owns.
With a simple gesture, he orders two other men to grab all of your luggage bags, and approaches Joy once she’s finished greeting everyone. «Mom, dad, my beloved sister,» she starts off, taking the man next to her by the arm. «He’s Kim Doyoung, my fiance.»
The perks of being born in a wealthy family are many: from getting all the toys you want, to owning four different cars without even having a diver’s license, from attending the most exclusive schools to spending vacations on some renowned island. Even if you believe in higher moral values, you can’t deny you’re lucky to be the daughter of one of your country's wealthiest CEOs.
On the contrary, the disadvantages of having such a rich and powerful man as a parent are almost nonexistent.
Almost.
One of these disadvantages is that your father, like many other businessmen, would do anything for his company. Even if that means involving his own daughters in his projects. And when he found out that his two most powerful partners from abroad had sons your age, he wasted no time in arranging your marriages with them. You didn’t know these men; in fact, you had never even met them before. The only thing you knew was that, on a serene spring day, your father had informed you and your sister about your engagement with these two strangers from South Korea.
Both you and Joy anticipated that moment from the day you were born, thus handled the situation tactfully. Your sister, as the obedient daughter she’d always been and the future heir to your father’s company, did anything she could to meet her future husband’s expectations, preparing to be both the perfect wife and business partner. Not that she needed to, since she knew everything about the business, having spent her whole life by your father’s side.
You, on the other hand, didn’t really care about the company and all the benefits it would take from your union with your fiance. The idea of an arranged marriage had been drilled into your head since you were a toddler, which is why you immediately accepted your fate without even questioning it, but you had other plans for your future. You just hoped your future husband would agree with you.
As a precise and perfectionist woman, your sister had insisted on moving to South Korea way before her wedding to learn the language, understand the culture, and, well, get to know her fiance. From the long late-night calls you two made while she was away, you eventually understood she was falling in love with that charming, mysterious man. But according to her, he didn’t seem to be as fond of her. «I’m sure he likes you,» you once told her, stifling a yawn. «I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t, Joy. You’re… wonderful!»
«I’m sure he likes me, too,» she responded. «I just don’t believe he will ever love me. I don’t see that sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me .»
«Then I’ll set his eyes on fire! Instead of sparkles, he’ll see flames!»
Since you were the youngest daughter, your parents didn’t put as much pressure on your wedding, giving you more time before getting married. That’s why you decided to stay in your country and only spoke with your fiance once on a video call, but nothing more. You wanted to take as much time as possible.
That is, until now.
In fact, arriving in South Korea for your sister’s wedding also means that you will never return home, as you will marry a couple of months after her.
«Nice to meet you,» you greet your future brother-in-law with a handshake and introduce yourself. He does look charming and mysterious. Perhaps a little too much for your taste, but he’s still attractive.
The two men who’d previously taken your bags lead you outside the airport to a private parking lot and open the doors of the most expensive limousine you’ve ever seen. As always, you end up in the window seat, next to your parents and in front of your sister and her fiance.
«How was the flight?» Joy asks, offering you a glass of water from a small refrigerator.
«I’d say it was quite agreeable.»
«Mom, you only say that because you’ve been sleeping the entire time!» you immediately reply, recalling the several hours you spent going back and forth from the toilet because of some heavy turbulence.
«Lucky her! I was so exhausted from my previous flight that I couldn’t even fall asleep!» your dad adds.
«But the flight was quite agreeable,» you scoff, making everyone chuckle.
Well, not everyone.
«Doyoung, dear, I hope our arrival today didn’t ruin your Christmas Eve!» your mom says, changing the topic to catch his attention.
«You didn’t, ma’am. My family doesn’t even celebrate it because we work all day,» he answers flatly.
«You don’t celebrate Christmas Eve… because you work?» you ask him, raising an eyebrow.
«Exactly. We can’t just stop and close everything. It’s not possible.»
«I’m sure it is! You’re the CEO of your company: you can take a couple of days off for yourself – and everyone else!»
«Darling, I’m sure he knows what’s best for his business!» your father says, giving you a warning look.
«No problem, sir,» Doyoung interrupts him. «She probably still has a lot to learn about how our world works.»
«As if,» you scoff, ignoring a soft kick on the leg from your sister. «What if your employees wanted to spend this holiday with their family?»
«Well, they've got tomorrow to do that. Christmas Eve isn't even a holiday, and they have to work,» he replies, never losing his cool, or showing any signs of bother.
«On the contrary: Christmas Eve is a holiday, and some people like to celebrate it! Have you ever considered the idea of asking...»
«Honey, enough,» Joy interrupts you, looking deadly serious. You sigh and decide to focus on the scenery outside the window, trying not to let that conversation influence your first impression of that man.
It’s hard, though.
December 25th
The weather outside is freezing, but the atmosphere in the dining room is quite warm and not only because the heating plant is always on. Both families – yours and your sister’s fiance’s – are seated around the profusely furnished table, waiting for the dessert. The entire lunch was delicious, from the appetizers to the side dishes, and the red wine you all drank helped everyone relax, and you’re now happily chatting away as if you'd known each other for years.
Joy entertained everybody with her lively personality and gentle sense of humor, showing she would be the perfect wife for Doyoung. Unlike him, his parents were very welcoming and seemed to enjoy your family’s company, and this unusual Christmas lunch turned out to be enjoyable. You didn’t talk much, choosing to keep to yourself and listen to whatever conversation piqued your interest. Unfortunately, all the men have been talking about is work, while the women are saying something boring about housekeeping, and that’s why you now find yourself staring at your empty silver glass, absent-mindedly turning it between your fingers.
Suddenly, a long line of maids enters the dining room, carrying large trays full of fruits and any type of pastries that make your mouth water just looking at them. Once everyone’s plate is full, though, the conversation the men were having takes an intriguing turn, and you can’t help but listen this time.
«As I was saying, we were almost abandoning our project when my son discovered this ideal location for our new building!» Doyoung’s father says proudly as he places a hand on his son’s shoulder.
«I can tell your son is completely engaged in this business!» your dad replies. «Where is this location?»
«It’s a large territory just outside of Seoul. It used to be an animal rescue center, but they couldn't keep it going because they didn't have enough money. So they decided to sell it, and we’ve been lucky enough to be the first ones to make an offer. They were desperate for money and would accept any amount,» Doyoung explains. «Actually, they haven’t left yet, but we’re gonna make them vacate soon.»
You hope you didn’t hear that right.
But you did.
And you’ve never been so enraged as you are right now.
«I truly hope this is a joke,» you say bitterly, trying to keep your voice firm and low. The women next to you stop talking, trying to figure out what offended you, while your father glares at you, silently ordering you to remain silent.
«It isn't,» Doyoung answers, his eyes challenging you. «The construction of the building will begin in about a month.»
«You can’t be this selfish and heartless!» you exclaim, forgetting about your intentions to keep calm. «You’re leaving those poor animals to their fate, which I’m sure will not be kind to them! They’ll be abandoned, or worse, end up...»
«Honey, I think that’s enough,» your sister interrupts you, glaring at you in the same way your father did before. «You've got nothing to do with it, and they don’t care about your opinion.»
«I do care,» Doyoung says in a subtle mocking tone, drawing everyone's attention on him. «I’d like to know what she thinks since she seems to be so expert...»
«Oh, but she isn’t, trust me,» Joy replies, smiling at him. «Honey, let it go.»
«So you’re saying you’re okay with this? They’re gonna kill some innocent creatures, and for what?» You look at her in disbelief. When did your sister become so submissive and compliant? She used to be the type of girl who would fight for her opinions, but it seems like she can’t even think with her own head right now.
«It’s their business, and you have no say in it!» your father exclaims abruptly, and you can tell his calm demeanor won’t last much longer if you don’t obey.
«What would you do?» Doyoung asks you, making both your dad and your sister stop talking. His tone of voice and his stare are still mocking, but you can't let him make a fool of you in front of everybody. You have strong opinions and won’t let anyone tell you they’re not valid.
«First and foremost, I would have offered more money,» you begin, ignoring the death stares from your parents and sister. «And then, I wouldn’t have bought that place! Instead, I would have donated the money to help them! There are lives involved in this: it’s not like you’ve bought some desolate land!»
«They’re just animals,» Doyoung replies, making your blood boil. His sarcastic voice, his cold stare, his snobbish attitude… everything about him irritates you greatly.
«Just animals?! They’re living beings, just like us! You can’t...»
«Seriously, stop it now,» your sister interrupts you again. «You’ve expressed your opinion. Be content with it and shut up.»
You refuse to believe what you’ve just heard and look at your sister, hoping to find signs of amusement on her face. But she wasn’t joking, and you suddenly felt a wave of disappointment hitting you. She would always have your back. What happened to her?
Everyone’s eyes are now on you, and the atmosphere in the room becomes tense and heavy until Doyoung breaks the silence. «Don’t worry, Joy,» he says, the mocking tone in his voice never leaving. «She’s still young: it’s okay to have the head in the clouds at her age.»
The conversation goes back to normal, but you still feel an intense heat inside your body, and you don’t know if it’s from embarrassment or anger. You just want to disappear right now.
For a brief moment, you catch Doyoung staring at you with a sly smile on his face. And you wish he would vanish as well.
December 26th
You wrap yourself in the warm coat and look around at the extended but ruined area in front of you. Everything is still covered in snow, with only a few blades of grass poking through, and the cold is so intense that you can feel it penetrating the coat and reaching your bones. A small, colorful house is located in the middle of that vast valley, surrounded by other facilities from which you can clearly hear calls of various animals.
From afar, everything appears to be in the norm. A few people are going back and forth from one building to the other, chatting away while performing their tasks, unaware of the watchful gaze that's been scrutinizing them for the past twenty minutes. Looking closely, though, you couldn't deny that the entire place was in a dreadful state.
When you left the Kims' villa that morning, your sister warned you that the trip would be pointless. «I've already been there, honey,» she said before you stepped into the cab. «It's a waste of time. No one can save that place.» But, being the stubborn girl that you are, you decided to visit that animal rescue center anyway, and after an hour-long drive, you arrived at your destination.
From afar, the landscape looked breathtaking. Looking closer, though, you had to admit your sister was right: that place couldn't be saved. They had a lot of animals to take care of, from stray puppies and kittens to farm animals such as cows and horses, as well as some odd fish and turtles. But, based on what you could see, they didn't seem to have enough space or resources to care for them.
You then exchanged a few words with some of the workers to better understand the situation, and they all seemed broken by the thought of the center's cruel fate. «We will lose our job, which we adore,» one of them said, trying to hide the sadness in his eyes, «and the animals will be either sent to a slaughterhouse, or to some miserable shelters, or abandoned on the streets.»
After another tour of the area that allowed you to interact with some of the animals, you decided you'd had enough, said your goodbyes, and left. However, as soon as you reached the cab, you gave the driver the money he'd asked for and sent him away.
You're not sure why, but you couldn't leave that place yet, and you now find yourself sitting on a frozen bench, wrapped in your coat, watching the center and its workers from afar. It was evident that everyone there genuinely enjoyed what they were doing, and even the animals seemed to have grown fond of the people who had been taking care of them that whole time. How could Mr. Kim and his son be so cynical and destroy everything, depriving those poor creatures of their only hope for a better life? You feel a shred of anger building up at that thought and unconsciously grip the hem of your coat with such strength that your knuckles became as white as the snow surrounding you.
«What on earth are you doing here?» You hear a masculine voice from behind you. When you turn around, you see an apparently irritated Doyoung staring at you while leaning against his car, arms crossed on his chest.
«None of your business,» you reply, turning away from him.
«I hate to disappoint you, but this is my business,» he says, approaching you and then looking towards the same direction your eyes have been following. «Did you go there?» You nod. «Did you see the state of the buildings? The conditions in which those animals are forced to live?» You nod again, not uttering a word. «Do you understand why this place should shut down now?»
You glare at him furiously and shake your head vehemently. «You must be a hideous person if you think that's the best solution,» you state acidly, tightening the grip on the hem of your coat. «You’re going to solve the problem the easy way: getting rid of it when you should be fighting it instead.»
«No one cares about this place anyway. A luxurious apartment complex for people who need somewhere to live would be far more useful, don't you think?» he asks, sitting next to you.
You scoff at his statement, rolling your eyes. «And I bet the people you're talking about are living on the streets right now, aren't they?» you say sarcastically, raising an eyebrow when you hear him snicker.
«Not everything we do must have a socially helpful purpose.»
«But if you have the opportunity to be socially helpful, why not use it?» you reply, bothered by his indifference. «You'd be doing something morally valuable that could help a lot of people and still be loaded – if money is your top priority. Is it so illogical to you?»
A tense silence follows, and you both spend it watching the ruined yet beautiful landscape below you. When you turn to look at him again, he does the same, and you end up locking eyes for a split second before he quickly looks away. «It's not illogical,» he utters, suddenly standing up. «But we would make more money from my project.»
«So it's all about money,» you scoff, crossing both your arms and legs, this time visibly bothered. «Don't you think you've got enough? What's the point of getting richer and richer if you can't use your money to help those who are in need?»
«Does helping others make you that happy?» he asks you back. «Aren't you satisfied with what you have now?»
«I hate using set phrases,» you reply, standing up too. «But material goods don't satisfy my soul. I just can't see the point of being so wealthy if I'm the only one who can enjoy and benefit from that!»
It's now his turn to scoff. «You're just so young. You still need to understand how our society works.»
«I already know how it works, and I don't like it.»
Ignoring your words, he pulls a pair of keys from his pocket and opens the car doors. «I need to speak to one of the managers now. Will you wait for me in the car? It's not gonna take long.»
You nod, putting your pride aside in exchange for a ride home that won't cost you more money.
«Remember,» he suddenly says, calling your name. «This world is for the selfish.»
«This world is for everyone,» you reply, walking to the car.
December 27th
«I think you look stunning,» Joy states as she examines your reflection in the mirror.
«I think I look like a clown,» you mutter.
In your opinion, the dress your sister bought for you was too fancy and inappropriate for the occasion, but she thought otherwise. Despite her busy schedule due to the impending wedding, she made time to take you to an exclusive store that morning and force you to try a dozen articles until you found the one she thought was perfect. It was a navy-blue velvet mermaid dress, with a single thin sleeve covering your left shoulder and a strip of the same color sewn around the waist. The front vent was deep enough to show off your favorite silver shoes that matched the choker Joy made you wear. It’s a big night for your family, and you have to look your best, even if you’re dying on the inside. After all, you don't want to disappoint your future husband, do you?
Even if you’re still unsure about your sister’s choice, you don’t have enough time to get changed, as the guests have already arrived. From your room, you and Joy can hear indistinct voices chattering, and then the door bursts open, revealing an impatient Doyoung dressed in a silky suit that does justice to his tall and slender figure. «Are you ready? I’ve been waiting for you for two hours!»
«I’m sorry, but my sister kept saying she didn’t want her fiance to see her like this, and it took me a while to convince her!» Joy says, combing your hair one last time and adding a pair of sparkly pins on both sides of your head. «But I think she’s simply beautiful. Don’t you agree?» she asks the man standing on the doorstep. You turn to look at him and find yourself holding your breath when you notice he's already been staring at you for quite some time.
«Mh,» he hums, nodding, «but she would look more beautiful if she promised not to make a fuss tonight,» he adds, earning a death stare from you and a chuckle from your sister.
«You know he’s right,» Joy says as she grabs her purse and walks out the door with her fiance. «Or do you wanna make a bad first impression on your future husband and his family?»
You sigh deeply and nod, annoyed. «I promise I won’t say anything that might scandalize their innocent souls,» you say ironically, rolling your eyes. They both grin at your words, and then you all leave the bedroom.
As you walk through the long corridors to join the others, your sister takes Doyoung by the arm and leans her head on his shoulder. That simple action makes you feel something uncomfortable in your stomach, and you wonder if it’s because you ate too many cookies a couple of hours prior, or if you’re simply envious of their relationship. Looking at them, you can clearly tell she’s head over heels for him, and he respects her just as much – not bad for an arranged marriage. Overall, they look happy, and you wish the same for yourself and your future husband. Even if you’re not in love, you hope to be at least happy.
Before your sister opens the door of the royal dining room where Mr. Kim set up the dinner, Doyoung directs his gaze towards you and grins when he catches you staring. You immediately look away, mentally scolding yourself for reasons you don’t even know. That uneasy feeling in your stomach, though, doesn’t go away. If anything, it intensifies.
༄
«Last but not least, we were considering March 21st as the wedding date,» Mr. Moon states in a tone that dismisses any objections. «It’s spring, the weather is nice, and we don’t have any important meetings scheduled for that day.»
«Moreover, you’ll have plenty of time to organize everything, and it won’t be too late for Doyoung and Joy’s honeymoon either!» his wife adds in a much sweeter tone.
You spent the entire evening talking about your sister’s wedding, but you knew the time to talk about yours would come too. Your fiance’s parents asked your opinion on a bunch of things, such as the location of the ceremony and the colors to use, and then proceeded to inform you that they had already chosen almost everything and you only needed to approve it. Not to mention that they all agreed to let the four of you go on a honeymoon together. Your sister seemed excited about it, as did your fiance, while you and Doyoung didn’t look thrilled at the idea, exchanging an unamused look when his father let you know their plan.
«I think March 21st is perfect!» your mother exclaims, clapping. «Don't you agree, honey?» she then asks you with a smile, and you wonder if she truly believes that or if she’s just acting.
«Yeah... I mean, it's cool,» you say with a shrug.
Joy, who's sitting to your left, pinches your thigh beneath the table. «Could you at least try to show a little more excitement?» she scolds you quietly when your parents start talking about something else.
«Those two control freaks have already shown enough for all of us,» you scoff, your gaze fixed on your empty plate, and she can't help but agree. Mr. and Mrs. Moon showed a quite manipulative and controlling attitude throughout the whole dinner, and you'd be lying if you said they didn't scare you a little. Their son, Taeil, on the contrary, seemed to be calm and polite, maybe a little too condescending, and submitted to his parents. He would nod and agree on everything they said, never expressing dissatisfaction or disapproval. Although he didn’t talk much, you could tell he was a nice guy, and attractive too, so you couldn't complain.
«I've heard you've been to the animal rescue center,» a voice interrupts your thoughts, and you realize it's Doyoung's father speaking to you.
«That ruined place we'll demolish soon?» Mr. Moon adds, laughing abruptly. «Did you go there? How did you find it?» he then asks you.
Your sister and her fiance shoot you a glare, silently reminding you of the promise you made earlier, and you sigh. «As you said, it's ruined, and the living conditions of those animals aren't much better. But with enough money, there might be a chance...»
«...to move the animals somewhere else,» Doyoung interrupts you. «There's nothing we can do about the center, but at least we can give those animals a better life.»
You frown, surprised and suspicious, hoping he's telling the truth. When you last talked to him about it, he didn’t seem willing to find a way to save the creatures living in the center. «Really?» you ask him.
«Really?» his father asks at the same time.
«Yes, your daughter helped me come up with this idea, and I find it… interesting,» Doyoung admits, looking at your parents, who are as surprised as you, but for a different reason.
«Our daughter Joy?» they ask, unable to believe that a serious and competent businessman like Doyoung would consider something you suggested.
«No, her,» he replies, pointing at you, and making your parents open their mouths wide. Even your sister is taken aback, mainly because she never saw her fiance accept suggestions for his projects from others. Above all, if those suggestions came out as harsh criticism. And knowing you well, she’s sure you hadn’t been very polite in expressing your views.
«Beautiful and brilliant,» Mr. Moon proudly states as if you were his daughter. «I can’t wait to discuss further details with you someday.»
༄
«I didn’t come up with that idea,» you say, startling the man who’s just come out of the bathroom. It’s almost midnight, every corner of the house is dark and silent, and you secretly sneaked out of your bedroom, hoping Doyoung was awake.
After what he said during the dinner, you couldn’t focus on anything other than finding out if he was telling the truth or just playing with you. You kept wondering what made him change his mind all of a sudden and why he partially lied to everyone in that dining room. Was he just trying to get you to stop talking? Or was he serious about it? Questions like these popped into your head throughout the rest of the evening and kept you distracted, even when Taeil approached you to talk a little, while the others left you alone. You’ve been trying in vain to remember what he said, but your mind was somewhere else. Somewhere far away.
«Are you following me?» Doyoung asks with a smirk.
«No, but I’d like to speak with you.»
«About what?»
«You know it,» you respond, following him to his bedroom.
He sighs, defeated, and stops right in front of his closed door. «You kinda did… come up with that idea, I mean,» he says quietly, scratching the back of his head. «Or rather, you inspired it.»
«And what made you change your mind?»
«You,» he says with a serious look on his face.
«Me?» you ask in a high-pitched tone due to the surprise his answer caused. «Didn’t you say I was just a young girl with her head in the clouds who still had to learn how our society works?»
«I did, and I still believe what I said,» he admits with a grin, and you let out an annoyed ‘tsk’. «But I guess I realized your speech about helping others made sense and decided to try to save those animals.»
You unconsciously smile at his words, glad that someone has finally recognized and credited your ideas. «How are you gonna do that? I think a donation would be...»
«Hey, slow down,» he interrupts you, putting his hand on your bare shoulder. A shiver runs down your spine as his fingers brush against your skin, and you’re glad you’re in the dark, or he would have certainly noticed your flushed cheeks. «The center will shut down anyway: I’ll only save the animals. I’ve already found some organizations willing to spend significant sums of money on them, and I know some people who wouldn't mind owning a couple of thoroughbreds,» he explains, his hand leaving your shoulder as soon as he finishes speaking.
«And who’s gonna keep all that money?»
«Us, of course. We will use it to cover the costs of some of...»
«Why don’t you give it to the owner of the center? They might use it to find a better place where they can continue to work! Hopefully, it’ll be smaller and with fewer animals, but it could be a new beginning!» you interrupt him, and your voice and the words you say sound so pure in his ears that he has to fight the impulse to hold you tightly and not let go. As soon as that thought crosses his mind, he quickly pushes it away and opens the door behind him.
«Will you ever be satisfied? I told you I’d save the animals!» he says as he walks into his room.
«Apparently, there’s something else you can do,» you chuckle and take a small step back. «But saving the animals will be enough for now.»
You hear him sigh and whisper a ‘goodnight.'
«Goodnight,» you reply. «And thank you.»
Then silence falls on the house again.
December 28th
Lazily lying on the couch, you leaf through the pages of a fashion magazine while your sister and your mother discuss the last details of the ceremony with the wedding planner. It's something involving the wedding registry that has to be redone, but you aren’t interested enough to understand the whole situation.
Doyoung, who is sitting on an armchair in the other corner of the living room, tries to listen to the wedding planner’s words but gets frequently distracted. Looking away from the pages you’re pretending to read, you see him sigh for the umpteenth time, trying to keep his composure and then holding back a yawn. You giggle, but it comes out louder than you meant to. While your sister and your mother ignore you, Doyoung shoots you a glare, to which you reply with a grimace and then go back to your fake reading.
«Who would give a married couple something like… this?!» Joy exclaims with a broken voice, pointing at one of the pictures your mother was looking at. The wedding planner looks mortified and immediately deletes the image from the list.
«Darling, no need to overreact,» your mother calmly says. «If you don’t like something, just say it, and we’ll cross it out.»
Your sister takes a deep sigh, nodding, and you mentally promise yourself you wouldn’t get so stressed while planning your wedding.
Another hour goes by, and you become even more bored than you already were. The three women are still sitting around the table, crossing out or circling the words written on the list, while Doyoung is standing next to an old-fashioned globe now, making it rotate from time to time.
«Is it so difficult?» you ask, putting the magazine away after witnessing another mental breakdown from your sister.
«Of course it is, honey,» your mother answers before Joy can attack you with every insult she knows. «It’s important to choose the right gifts: things you might need in the future, for the house, for your honeymoon...»
«Why don’t you just ask for money?»
«That's not how it works,» Doyoung says, grinning.
«Why not? I would...» you suddenly gasp and stand up when a brilliant idea crosses your mind. «Why don’t you set up a fundraiser? Instead of asking for actual gifts, you could ask people to donate a sum of money, and then give it all to a charity!» you exclaim, proud of your idea, but your sister doesn’t look as excited. At all.
«I’m sorry, honey, but it’s my wedding, and the presents are for me to keep,» Joy says, then immediately corrects herself. «I mean, for us.»
«Then I’ll do it at my wedding,» you state. «If Mr. and Mrs. Control Freaks allow it,» you add, earning a death stare from your mother. You don’t even have the time to sit back down on the couch, though, that another idea pops up in your mind, and you stand up again. «How about I do it and donate the money to that animal rescue center? Do you think it’s possible?» you ask Doyoung, who gets a bit startled from your sudden exclamation.
«It is,» he answers. «I mean, you should speak with the director and see if...»
«Can I, please?» you cut him off. «If it’s possible, I’d like to talk to him immediately!»
«First of all, slow down!» your sister scolds you. «Your wedding is in three months! You'll have plenty of time to think about your stupid donation! Let me finish this in peace now!»
Joy goes back to her list, and you move closer to Doyoung. He sparked something inside you, and now he has to deal with it. «Do you think the director’s free this evening?» you whisper-ask him, not to distract your sister.
«What would I know?»
«Aren’t you in touch with him? Can you find out when he’s available and let me talk to him?» you insist, raising your voice again.
«Doyoung, please, do whatever she wants as long as she keeps that big mouth shut!» your sister cries out on the verge of tears, and you realize you may have exaggerated this time. You sigh and go back to your spot on the couch, choosing not to utter a word until the end of that meeting, when you see Doyoung approach you.
«I'll be at the center tomorrow. You can come if you want,» he whispers to your ear. You nod enthusiastically, and a hundred thousand sparks of happiness burst in your eyes.
December 29th
«What are we gonna do now?» you ask Doyoung, trying to relax.
When you woke up that morning, the sun was shining high in the sky, and the weather was unusually pleasant for a December day. You didn’t complain, though, because you’d be outside all day and needed the weather to be pleasant. When you left, right after lunch, it was still sunny, even if some suspicious clouds started appearing in the sky. But you didn’t give it much importance. Ten minutes later, it started snowing a little. Half an hour later, it started snowing a lot. And now you’re stuck in traffic, unable to continue your drive to the center or return home. You’ve never witnessed a snowstorm before, and you must admit it’s scary. Terrifying.
«The cars are moving too slowly: it’ll take us a lifetime to get to the center,» Doyoung states calmly, without showing any signs of panic or fear.
«Are we gonna come back home then?»
He shakes his head. «We’d have to take a different route, but it’s too dangerous right now.»
«Then what?! I don’t wanna be stuck here forever, or worse, die in a snowstorm!» you exclaim, exasperated.
«You’ll survive,» he simply replies, ignoring your complaints and threats to go out and come back home on foot. Not that you’d have the guts to do it.
Time goes by, the sky darkens, and the sun becomes almost invisible, but the snow keeps falling, and you’ve only moved by a dozen meters. Doyoung had previously turned on the radio in an attempt to distract you, but eventually, even music became too much to bear, and he had to turn it off. Your sister kept calling you to check on you, and every time she did, you could hear your mother crying in the background.
«Now I know where I get my anxiety from,» you joke when Joy calls you for the ninth time in an hour.
Suddenly, the car in front of you starts moving again, and Doyoung interrupts your conversation to tell you that he's thought of a way to avoid both the traffic and the snowstorm. «One of my friend’s hotels should be nearby: if we get to that sign, I can turn right, and we should be there in about fifteen minutes.»
You hear your sister scream with joy on the other end of the phone, but your mother forbids her to hang up until you’re safe and sound at the hotel. You reach the sign Doyoung pointed at in ten minutes, but apparently, you aren't the only ones who considered taking refuge in that hotel, as there was another long line of cars heading in that direction. That's why it took you another hour to get to your destination, and Joy kept you company the entire time.
༄
«You’re lucky: there's only one double bedroom left!» the receptionist states after a quick glance at the computer screen.
«Are you sure there aren’t any single rooms available? I’m Jung Jaehyun’s friend,» Doyoung asks, referring to the friend he mentioned before.
«I’m sorry, sir, but a lot of people came here before you because of the snowstorm. This is the only available room we have.»
«It’s okay,» you say, a slight flush of embarrassment running up your cheeks. «It's better than nothing!»
Doyoung nods and the receptionist hands him the key to your room. As soon as you lock the door behind you, you receive another phone call from your sister and spend twenty minutes explaining the situation to her, accidentally omitting the detail of the room you and her fiance have to share. You don't think it’s inappropriate; you just don’t want her to be more worried.
Doyoung has just finished showering when you hang up, and you rush to the bathroom right away. As you get out of the shower, only wrapped in a towel, you find him lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. «I ordered room service,» he says, pointing at a tray on the small table beside the double bed.
«Oh, thank you! I was starving!» you exclaim cheerfully, then turn to look at him. «Don’t you eat?»
He only shakes his head in response, and you shrug, too focused on your empty stomach to care about anything else. After you finish, you set some of the food aside, in case Doyoung gets hungry later, throw away the dirty plastic dishes and sit on the bed next to him.
«You’re getting married in less than two days,» you say, trying to strike up a conversation.
«Right,» he sighs, still staring at the ceiling.
«Joy seems happy,» you continue. «But I’m warning you: if you hurt her, you’re a dead man.»
He chuckles and turns to face you, but his heart skips a beat when his eyes meet yours. «You know, your fundraising idea for the wedding isn’t that bad,» he tells you, changing the topic. «You must be really dedicated to others to do such things.»
«Can I tell you something?» you ask him, and he nods. «I don’t care about my dad’s company. He probably hopes that letting his daughters marry his partners’ sons will give him more control over the business, but I’m afraid that’d be impossible with me. It’s not that I don’t wanna work; I’d rather focus on volunteering and charity work because it’s something that fulfills me. My parents and my sister think I’m a weirdo, though.»
«You are kinda weird,» he says, and you shoot him a glare. «But in a good way. People like us usually only think about money and their businesses, and I’m no exception. But it’s good to know people like you still exist.»
«Like me?»
«Yes. Altruistic, kindhearted, a little naive...»
«I’m not naive!» you exclaim, crossing your arms on your chest and pretending to be hurt.
«Yes, you are! But believe me, it’s not a bad thing.»
«Do you believe my fiance will let me follow my projects? I mean, I’d still do it, but do you think he’ll go along with it?» you ask him after some minutes of silence.
«Probably. Taeil’s the type of person who never contradicts others. I’ve always thought that would only cause him harm, but I guess it could work in your favor.»
«I noticed. He seems to be a nice guy, though. Not the type I would fall in love with, but I don’t dislike him either.»
«Are you okay with marrying someone you don’t love?» Doyoung suddenly asks you, going back to staring at the ceiling.
«The thing is,» you begin, now lying next to him, «I’ve always avoided catching feelings because I knew I'd marry a complete stranger one day.»
«Are you saying you’ve never been in a relationship?»
«Exactly. I never… cared.»
«Does this mean Taeil will be your first… everything?» he asks you, surprised.
«You’re right,» you admit, a little embarrassed. «My first kiss, my first time, and my first wedding too!» you laugh ironically. «I’ll share my first experiences with a stranger, but I’m okay with it as long as we get along, and I’m free to pursue my goals, which involve charity work and volunteering.»
«Love is the most powerful feeling of all and one should experience it in their life, but maybe you’ll live better like that... not even knowing what love feels like.»
You sigh at his words and join him in staring at the ceiling. He was right; you probably don’t even know what love feels like, and you’ve never been even curious to find out until that moment. But then your mind suddenly recalls a quote you read somewhere, something like ‘love comes at a time you never thought it would have.' And you realize you never expected it to happen on a snowy December day, in a hotel room with a man you didn’t even like at first.
«Do you love Joy?» you ask Doyoung, but you don’t need him to speak to find out. After all, your sister had also noticed it.
«She’s a beautiful woman, always high-spirited and lively. She’ll be a good wife, and I’ll be a good husband to her,» he says, maintaining his composure as always.
«But do you love her?» you insist, rolling over to face him. As he feels your gaze on his body, he also turns to look at you, reducing the gap between your faces. Maybe it’s because of his handsome looks or the spicy chicken wings you had for dinner, but your cheeks are on fire… your whole body is.
«I like her very much, and I respect her. Isn’t that sufficient?»
«Indeed,» you agree, nodding. «As long as you don’t hurt her.»
Some time goes by without the two of you speaking, but you don’t look away from each other for even one second. And there it is again, that uncomfortable sensation in your stomach, this time accompanied by an accelerated heartbeat and shaky breathing. His face is serious, almost indifferent, but his eyes betray the attraction he’s feeling for you right now: that strong desire to hold you in his arms and protect you from the world, knowing he’s the only one who can touch you like that...
«Are you tired?» he asks, interrupting the inappropriate stream of thoughts he was having.
«Only a little. Are you?»
He nods. «I’m sorry you didn’t get to talk to the director today.»
«It’s okay,» you say, surprised by his unexpected thoughtfulness. «We'll go another day. Maybe after your wedding.» Your statement reminds him that he’ll be a married man in a few days, with your sister as his wife.
Your sister, not you.
He needs to keep reminding himself of this, or he might give in to some sudden impulse. After all, he’s only known you for a few days and didn’t even like you at first. Now he’s stuck in a hotel room with you – a beautiful girl – while the snow is storming outside. It’s natural to feel some attraction, isn’t it? That doesn’t mean he’s caught feelings or anything.
Then you look at him with your doe eyes, and his limbs weaken.
«Do you want to sleep?» he asks again, and you nod. «There's a light switch there,» he adds, pointing at the wall behind you. When you stand up, you realize the towel is still wrapped around your body. Whatever, you think. At least it’s more comfortable than my clothes.
The room becomes dark, and you stumble a few times before reaching the bed. But as soon as you sit down on the mattress, a hand grabs your arm and pulls you close. Your back touches his chest, your legs intertwine, and his arms wrap you in a tight hug. He’s so close that you can feel his breath on your neck, sending shivers up and down your spine. You know it's wrong, but it feels so right you don’t even try to fight back. It makes your head spin and your heart race, and your entire body feels incredibly warm. You don’t know what love feels like, but you guess it might be something close to that. Something too good to be true.
It’s alright, you think before falling asleep, to silence the guilt. Until tomorrow morning, it’ll be fine.
December 30th
You woke up with Doyoung's arms around you and his body against yours. A bit sleepy, you slowly rolled over, carefully watching every move you made, and ended up with your face too close to his, your noses almost touching. He was still sleeping, so you took advantage of that moment to look at him, noting every little detail of his and keeping it safe in your memory. When he began squirming and stretching his arms and legs, you quickly backed away, closing your eyes again, not wanting to be caught staring at him.
But as soon as Doyoung realized you weren't between his arms anymore, he pulled you close again until your face touched his chest, and wrapped you in a tight hug. You knew you'd said you would only allow it until the morning – and the morning had come – but a few more minutes like that wouldn't harm anyone, right?
«I know you're awake,» he said softly, caressing your hair. You wrapped your arm around his waist, hiding your face in his chest to avoid showing your burning cheeks. Your breaths were both shaky and unsteady, frequently interrupted by deep sighs. «It's no longer snowing,» he said, breaking the comfortable silence.
«We should go then.»
«Yeah.»
Yet, neither of you made a move.
But it wasn't long before your sister called, causing you to fully awaken and move away from him. She asked you when you'd come back, and you said you were about to leave the hotel. She then asked if everything was fine, noting that you sounded a little strange, and you answered that you were just tired. As the call ended, you and Doyoung locked eyes for a few more moments before silently agreeing to get changed and leave.
The drive back home was quiet, as neither of you dared utter a word. The streets were accessible, but the landscape surrounding them was covered in snow. So you decided to focus on that fairy-tale-like scenery to get distracted from any other thought.
You arrived home an hour later, and noticed both families were anxiously waiting for you on the porch. Doyoung pulled over next to some other cars, and you waited a few more minutes before definitely leaving. «We should erase this night from our memories,» you suggested, staring down at your feet, unable to look at him in the eyes.
«I agree,» he replied. But when your eyes met for the last time, they screamed at each other that you would never forget it.
You then spent all day assisting your mother with the preparations for Joy's bachelorette party, while she and Doyoung defined the final details of the ceremony. Mr. Kim had reserved an entire club for that night, with one room for your sister and her friends and another for his son and his friends. That way, the couple wouldn't be too far away even on the last night before their wedding.
You did anything you could to keep yourself occupied, mainly because the sense of guilt was killing you, causing your stomach to twist and turn in pain. You couldn't even look at your sister and see how excited she was: it shattered your heart to know she was completely unaware of the intimate moment you and her fiance had shared at the hotel. Even if what hurt you the most wasn't what happened that night, but rather your feelings about it. And you felt even more guilty when you realized they wouldn't go away as morning came.
You and Doyoung, on the other hand, didn't exchange a word the entire day, only letting your eyes meet briefly whenever you crossed paths. You'd lost count of the times you had to pull yourself together after seeing him, resisting the urge to just talk to him or let your hands accidentally touch. The conflict in your mind was torturing you and wouldn't leave you alone, no matter how hard you tried to ignore it.
I’ll try to forget everything tonight, you thought while getting ready for the evening, looking in the mirror and shaming every part of yourself for what you’d done.
And now you're sitting alone around an empty table, watching your sister have fun with her friends. While they’re going wild on the dance floor, too drunk to understand what they’re doing, you’re absorbed in your thoughts, finding it hard to let loose. One of Joy’s friends tries to convince you to join them, but as soon as she approaches you, she's distracted by another girl who tells her she needs to throw up. «I don’t think your fiance will be happy about this,» the first girl says.
«Yuta doesn’t need to know. Now please, Wendy, let’s go to the restroom!» you hear the other mumble as they walk away.
You considered getting drunk too but only finished a couple of drinks before a knot formed in your stomach, and now you’re just a little bit tipsy. The music gets louder and the air thicker, mixing the expensive brand perfumes all the girls are wearing with the sweat caused by their incessant dancing. You suddenly feel dizzy and decide to leave the room for a while to get some fresh air. It’s still eleven, but you can’t wait to go back home and fall asleep.
The high heels you’re wearing and the dizziness caused by the alcohol make you stumble a few times, so you decide to take them off and let your feet free on the cold floor. You find a service entrance that leads to a long balcony and take a deep breath when you finally feel the cold breeze on your skin, as the loud music fades into the background. You lean against the railing, gazing at the gleaming buildings in front of you for a few seconds, before placing your head between your hands and closing your eyes.
«Why aren’t you with the other girls?» you hear a voice ask from behind you, making you experience a little déjà-vu. This time, though, you don’t even need to turn around to know whose voice it is.
«I needed some fresh air: the air inside made me feel dizzy,» you answer, without opening your eyes.
«Are you drunk?» he chuckles, leaning against the railing next to you.
«Just a little tipsy. You?»
«Me too. I never get totally drunk.»
You raise your head and look at him, whose eyes are fixed on the street below you. «Why aren’t you with your friends? It’s your party,» you ask him.
«They all get crazy when they’re drunk, and I’m not really in the mood to support their madness tonight,» he says, grinning. «Taeil is the only one who keeps his cool even when drunk.»
«Why aren’t you in the mood?» You try not to talk about your fiance, feeling a piercing pain only at the thought of him. Doyoung hesitates before answering your question, letting out a deep sigh. He then looks at you and slowly moves his hand closer to yours until your fingers interlock, making you shiver. «I’ll get married tomorrow,» he simply says, never breaking eye contact.
«I know.»
«With your sister,» he continues.
«... I know.»
«I’m not sure if I wanna marry her,» he admits, and you have to look away to hide the tears forming in your eyes.
«You have to,» you say in a whisper.
«I know.»
Despite the music from inside the club and the never-ending noises of Seoul, the space around you is quiet. «It was just one night, and we did nothing… compromising,» you utter, trying to let go of his hand, but he holds it even tighter.
«But I felt something compromising,» he confesses. «Something, a man shouldn’t feel for his future wife’s sister.»
«It meant nothing,» you insist, looking at him with glossy eyes. «We must forget it even happened. I can’t… I can’t do that to Joy. Neither can you.»
He brushes his free hand against your cheek and then runs it through your hair, and you realize you’ve already lost the battle with your rational self and don’t do anything to stop him. He lets go of your hand to reach your waist and pulls you closer, letting you hide your face in the crook of his neck. Your fingers cling to his shirt, creasing it slightly. «What did you do to me,» you hear him whisper.
«Promise me that we won't let something like this happen ever again,» you tell him, but your trembling voice contradicts your firm words. «You’ll marry Joy, I’ll marry Taeil, and we’ll forget everything.»
«I promise,» he says with a deep sigh but doesn’t seem ready to let you go just yet, keeping you close to him.
«Joy will make an excellent wife. She’s the most amazing woman I know: you won’t be unhappy with her.»
I’ll be unhappy without you, he thinks.
But it’s something he can’t say out loud.
«Taeil will be a good husband as well,» he tells you instead. «He’s respectful and loving, and I’m sure you… you won't be disappointed in him.»
Then, he pulls away and smiles melancholically. You smile back and approach the door he'd left open. «See you tomorrow,» you say as you wave him off. «We’ll be fine.»
You then walk away, without even bothering to wear your heels, shaken by a rush of chills. The music gets louder as you walk, and the voices become more distinct, but the sudden sound of quick steps drowns out all those noises, making you turn around to see what’s going on. As you do so, though, you get pushed against the wall, Doyoung’s figure hovering over you.
«I won’t be fine,» he mumbles, then grabs your chin and leans over. You look at each other with tender yet lustful eyes for a split second, then he kisses you. You feel shy at first, not knowing what to do or how to move, but his lips encourage you to let yourself go, led by your emotions. You then put your arms around his neck, standing on tiptoes, while his hands grab your hips and pull them closer to his. He gives you a few seconds to catch your breath before trapping you between his arms and kissing you again, only stopping to bite your lips, causing you to let out weak and muffled moans that drive him crazy.
«I won’t be fine,» he repeats, wheezing. Then he cups your cheeks with his hands and gives you one last peck before you hear a door open, forcing you to let go. It’s Taeil, looking for the future groom to take him back inside, as requested by their drunk friends. When your fiance notices your presence, he gets a bit startled but is quick to hide his surprise.
«I’m coming,» Doyoung tells him, turning to you to exchange one last gaze before parting ways.
December 31st
A large crowd has gathered outside the small church when you arrive. Doyoung is already inside with his best men while his parents are in the courtyard, talking with a group of people. You recognize Joy’s friends from the night before, and even if they’re obviously hungover, they still manage to look stunning. You and your parents are the last ones to get there, and immediately inform the guests that the bride is about to arrive, prompting everyone to enter the church and take a seat. You walk to the Kim family pew on the first row, and as soon as you sit, your gaze meets Doyoung’s, who’s standing right in front of the altar.
You hadn’t seen him that morning, too busy getting ready and then helping your sister get dressed, and now your heart’s sinking in front of his glacial yet stunning looks. You smile at him, trying to hide your deep sadness, but he looks away.
Then, the wedding march starts playing, and everyone stands up and turns around to admire your sister’s entrance. She shines like a ray of sunlight, absolutely gorgeous in her regal wedding gown, as white as the snow that covered the valley surrounding that place, and with a long monarch train. You see her radiant smile behind the see-through veil, and you feel a grip on your stomach as she approaches the altar, holding the hand Doyoung offered her.
After that, everything becomes a blur. The priest’s voice sounds like a distant echo in your head, and all the people around you transform into vague figures without names or faces. Your lips are smiling, but your eyes are filled with tears that aren't from happiness. The ceremony lasts about an hour, which you spend fighting the urge to run away and never come back.
She’s your sister, you tell yourself, and he’s her husband.
You love Joy. You truly do. And you would never do anything that could hurt her. That’s why you're desperately trying to push away the bitter grief that’s slowly creeping inside you. You know that what you're feeling is immoral and unfair to her, and your mind has been fighting tooth and nail to stop your heart from craving something you will never have.
Someone you can’t have.
Still, regretful tears leave your eyes the moment the couple makes their vows, and you must bite your lower lip to hide its trembling while your fingers firmly grip the hem of your shawl. And your heart writhes once and for all when you finally hear Doyoung say: «I do.»
©a3r3n All Rights Reserved. Please do not copy, repost or translate any of my works.
#doyoung#kim doyoung#doyoung fic#doyoung x reader#nct 127 fic#nct 127 doyoung#nct 127 angst#nct 127 fluff#doyoung angst#doyoung fluff#doyoung fanfic#doyoung x you#doyoung x y/n#doyoung scenarios#doyoung imagines#doyoung oneshots#nct 127#nct romance#nct boyfriend#arranged marriage#Spotify
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Content 2/2 - F.W (M)
Empty Chapter II
IT'S. OVER. Holy shit, this took way longer than I expected it to be. Yes, it’s 20k mf words and what abt it. Don’t look at me like that. I warned ya’ll 🙄. Now, I definitely made up some words while writing this. Like a shelved corridor, the heck is a shelved corridor?!?! Please tell me it makes sense…please for the sake of my sanity. The smut is kinda tame so I’ll whip out the chains on the next one.
CROSS POSTED TO WATTPAD HERE
Summary —> Years later you find yourself face to face with the person that caused your ruin - yet this time, somethings different.
Pairing: fredweasley x fem!reader
Word count: 20k... honestly I completely get it if ya'll wanna sit this one out
Warnings: *deep breath* a poor attempt at humor / gingers / pining idiots / normal idiots / excessive cursing / fred weasley in slacks / alcohol consuming / very little angst (its mostly just overthinking) to fluff / minor character death / smut / oral, (fem) / fingering / cum play / sexual mf intercourse mfs / protected sex (dont be silly protect your willy) / dirty talk / sappy stuff
Rating: 18+
DON’T REPOST MY WORK
tagged: @opalsheart @ronsbadidea @uselessmoonlight @boxofbadaddiction @lovenonymously @sergeantkilowog @rudypankowisdaddy, @nobutfredweasleytho some names didn’t come up when I tried, so what do we get from this? I can't properly use Tumblr <3
Five Years Later, 2003
"____, will you just calm down." Aleyna lets go of the book box full of bathroom supplies and they clink together, to which you wince because these are your stuff and you’re in a far too dangerous position to lose more money.
"How can I calm down?!" you exclaim dramatically, tossing your wand on the nylon wrapped couch. "It's all Stacey's fault."
Aleyna quirks a brow, "Whose Stacey?"
"That one chick from Magical Catastrophes who always has lipstick on her teeth."
"I don't think her name is Stacey though."
You send Aleyna a look that screams, stop being reasonable at a time like this. No, this was when you overpaid your TV cable to air The Twilight Zone and drank cheap wine while cursing out your boss who cared about your well being. Hermione had become The Minister of Magic, and of course you were proud of her. Though, this didn't mean she could let you have time off work whenever something insignificant happened.
"Probably not," you mutter, opening your fridge and coming face to face with the painful truth that it’s empty, and you’re hungry. Your hand unintentionally flies to graze over your scar as you survey your options, a small pack of ketchup and left over chips. "Suits her though, feels good to say 'Goddamnit Stacey' when something goes wrong in my life."
Stacey deserves it because Stacey doesn’t refill the staplers on purpose.
Aleyna snorts, though it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. "What did Stacey ever do to you?" Then she wheels across your new apartment to retrieve more boxes from outside.
You’re grateful for the support of all your friends, but the pitying looks they give you whenever someone mentions the words house and fire is enough to fuel into your secret want of setting their houses on fire. It was an accident, you were just trying to make the delicious recipe Molly had sent you, ignoring the small fact that you didn't know how to properly use an oven. The savings you lost from your bleeding bank account were not worth pasta with tomato sauce on it.
Though, your new apartment is big, bigger than your first because after making a name for yourself as an Auror money came easily. Wide walls for a projector TV, long tail shaped couch standing firm on varnished wood floorings, and two bedrooms that have their own - kind of unnecessary - bathrooms. Not to mention the giant kitchen with an island, only rich people had islands, where you could make plenty of Italian recipes and not worry about burning the house down because Aleyna fool-proofed it for you.
The flat was at the top floor of the new bar she just built, and she was kind enough to let you start renting the place. The residents of Diagon Alley had been fighting for this apartment for months, and you were proud to have snagged it before anyone could even offer.
Gripping the last two boxes, Aleyna pushes the front door with her foot and navigates herself backwards through the other dozen boxes you had just tossed on the floor. "These are the last two, are you sure you don't need anymore help?" she offers.
You shake your head, "I can just use magic, not in the mood for pursuing the muggle lifestyle right now."
Aleyna frowns, this reaches her eyes though. "That bad huh."
Simply nodding, you don’t bother getting into an in depth rant about how a simple fire didn't mean you had trauma, and that you didn't need to stop working for a few weeks. Not that being an Auror was hard, your work days have been quite uneventful if you didn't count a few "Revalutioners" sticking a muggle's head in a toilet.
"I know what will cheer you up," Aleyna chimes, already clad in her pea coat and sneakers. "Dinner, and it's on me."
You couldn't possibly say no to free dinner, also making food for yourself was probably not a good idea right now. Stay clear of ovens, you reminded yourself.
After getting snug in your coat and fluffing your hair, you fall on step next to Aleyna as the two of you chat.
The London cold is brutal, shivering whomever until their noses turn red and making their hands feel itchy when sudden warmth overtook. You’re used to it, as is anyone in Diagon Alley. People are crowding the stores, chatting loudly and waving their wands around at stores to reserve whatever crappy gifts they were going to buy for their family's.
You hate the holidays, refusing to go back to America and visit your own family. Your mother couldn't cook, nor could your father. Though, that didn't stop her from insisting every year and giving you, your father and the Burke's food poisoning.
After three years of sitting through awkward family dinners where everyone ignored the fact that you were almost Head of Aurors, and focused on Eva's collapsing career of Healer only to praise her, you had about enough and stopped attending. It had been two years since then, they didn't bother to write. Your dad occasionally sent you money in a horrible christmas card with an even more horrible pun written in red glittery letters that also sang Run Run Rudolph.
"Ugh, everyone's crowding the joke shop aga- oh." Aleyna pauses. "I'm sorry."
She knows about your past with Fred Weasley, considering whenever you rant about work it ends up with you cursing him and Eva out. He had such a blame-able face, just like Stacey from Magical Catastrophes.
You give Aleyna a look. "You act like I'm not a grown woman who can't get over something that happened eight years ago." you say, shaking off the small snow particles that begin to lightly fall. "You should be like this with, I don't know...my relationship with Theo! We broke up last year, why aren't you fragile with him, hmmm?"
Aleyna claps your back in a friendly manner all the same. "I know I know, but come on. This is childhood trauma we're talking about."
"Now that I think about it, seeing Eva's coochie was traumatic." you grin, and Aleyna's jaw gape even if she heard the story hundreds of times before. Not that Eva's...modesty was bad per say, just not a pleasant sight seeing as you guys grew up together.
Other than that fact, you hadn't talked, even seen Fred after the war ended. Sure, you occasionally stole glances at their very successful joke shop, but there was no point in dwelling and trying to fix an already withered away friendship.
You had fixed your relationship with Ron and Harry, having had no choice since the three of you worked together. "You were right ____, we were assholes. You don't need to apologize." they had told you, and that was that. The two families and well, you did weekly dinners and enduring the two men for Ginny and Hermione got easier as days passed, finally ending up in a good friendship like old times. It was casual between you, easy when no one mentioned how abruptly your friendship ended. No one dared to either.
Also, Harry was your boss and him remembering that you called him a drama queen wouldn’t do you any good in your career.
People bump at your sides as the two of you squeeze your way towards Sacree Fleur. The end of Voldemort brought a new, reformative era in the Wizarding World. Diagon Alley expanded, new buildings were built and culture grew. You were happy to see that Ollivendar's Wand shop renewed, along with other crumbling buildings that needed desperate attention.
Bandits lessened, and the utter arrogance some parents had by not sending their children to get magical education faded, partly because there was nothing to fear, and partly because more job opportunities arose, like said, money came easily.
Fleur Weasley, your good friend and someone who had done the impossible and won over a Weasley brother - though she was gorgeous and possibly the sweetest person you've ever met, so really they were perfect for each other - had decided on a whim to open a french restaurant. Bill couldn't say no to his wife, the rough man you had met years prior was softened with age and the struggle of raising children.
Good wine, deliciously soft steak that melts in your mouth and warm atmosphere that makes five o-clock feel like midnight. It’s by far your favorite restaurant and you'd much rather spend your Christmas Eve curled up next to a warm candlelit dinner on a terrace.
"Bonjour!" an obscenely attractive woman, Fleur greets the two of you when the revolving glass doors are pushed, and you break out in a wide smile seeing your friend at the door. "____, Aleyna! Come here, give me a big hug!"
"Fleur! What are you doing here?"
With dopey smiles, the three of you embrace.The door closes on it's own, and you shiver unintentionally, just now realizing how cold it is. Usually the big marble fireplace keeps Sacree Fleur warm, but even that seemed not enough and the restaurant is adorned with small muggle heaters, floating up above the ceiling and adding to the red light of the candles.
"You'll see. Came at a most amazing time too, silly girl always knowing when to show. Saw all the juicy drama when you were younger..." Fleur continues to joke lightheartedly, pulling away and leading the two of you through occupied tables as she faux scolds. People are content, it feels warm and almost soft. Conversation seems to flow easily and the unease you feel for the Holiday melts. Almost.
You blech whenever someone brings up the line ‘love is in the air’. It never made sense to you, because love was simply a fairy tale that would wither away with time. Also, how could love simply float? Of course, unless you count Amortentia fumes - which yours always smelled like sweat and crushed hopes. So frankly, you prefer expensive Dior perfume in the air rather than love.
Though now you find yourself doubting whatever you engraved in that well protected head of yours, love is truly in the air at Sacree Fleur. All kinds of love, mothers lovingly wiping food off their children's mouths, happy newlyweds clinking their wine glasses together with nothing but adoration in their eyes, friends enjoying sharing a simple dinner far more than should be done.
"My family, they're upstairs having dinner. The kids like the ice cream here, Mr Fortescue provides it well."
"Family? Ginny and Hermione are here?" you ask, lazily climbing the steps to the second floor to reveal the more, private part of the restaurant. Now, instead of wooden chairs with red cushions attached at the middle, there stand long booths with comfortable blankets and pillows with empty, eerily clean tables - except one.
The long table near the terrace is much livelier today, people sitting there whom you consider your own family. The three post luster that hangs low from the ceiling is turned on - it’s the first time you’ve seen the glamorous glass orbs in action. Its light ricochets off of several bright orange heads, simply calling it a lamp does no justice. The hue is yellow, low and it reminds you of the Christmas Eve fantasy you planned.
Said orange heads turn at the noise of delight you let out. "Oh Fleur! This is gorge- oof-"
"Auntie ____!"
A pool of orange locks squish into your stomach, snug in the soft fabric of your coat and you let out a chuckle. You can’t help it, even if you would never admit, he’s your favorite by a small number that-
"Well well, if it isn't Teddy Lupin."
The small boy chuckles, hair matching your black coat like a chameleon sticking itself on a flower and absorbing the color of the petals. You ruffle Ted's hair as the orange fades, he’s delighted to see you, and so are you yet your attention is quickly cut off by several disembodied voices thrown your way.
Bill Weasley is standing up, wine glass on one hand while grinning wide. “Look who my dear wife brought in!” his tidy yet visible scar stretches when his face brightens, you remembered again that day, just how much love you have around you.
“Hey everyone, hope we’re not interrupting.” you apologize, wincing but Bill quickly shakes his head and pushes his chair back.
You waddle your way towards the marble table, Teddy following suit with his face still smushed in your coat. He grips you tighter and you have to peel his small little limbs off your legs.
Aleyna scoffs, arms crossing together as she surveys Ted. “The blatant favoritism!”
Teddy rushes on his little legs to jump in Aleyna’s arms, and only then are you able to acknowledge the other - a little less important - people in the room.
“Happy holidays!” echoes around your head as several people embrace you all at once, and you have to simply stand and awkwardly loop your arm around whoever you can get a hold of.
Once the formalities are over, Ginny throws her arm around your shoulder. The red tresses of her dress hike up her leg from her slightly bigger stomach, and you can see the small broom tattoo on her thigh that she loves to display like a trophy. “You should’ve told us you were coming! We would have saved you a seat.”
A round of yes’s resonate around the room, and you take a quick moment to scan who’s afternoon dinner you’ve just interrupted. Hermione, hand resting on her very pregnant belly, is smiling warmly at you, and Ron quickly shoots up from his seat and wipes his mouth to catch up to his wife. Harry follows in his friend's wake, his hair has a white streak at the front and you furrow your brows.
“Age catching up with you Potter?” you grin, rubbing Ginny’s back fondly before she separates from you and greets Aleyna. “Or is it the pregnancy?”
Harry scoffs, pulling you in his embrace for a quick friendly second. “Always the charmer ____. I’ll have you know I’m handling it wonderfully, right Gin’?”
Ginny pauses, “Erm, yeah…”
Harry’s face feigns faux disbelief, and it quickly melts as you bombard the man with questions about how Ginny’s first trimester is going. You mentally take note of asking Ron about Hermione’s as well, your two best friends are fucking pregnant. It’s almost too happy, and slowly the anxiety creeping up from your spine wraps around your throat, ready to suffocate you whenever.
It was always like this, the past ready to make it’s deathly move, because nothing is perfect. Happiness doesn’t come this easily.
And you’re right, because not only a minute after the warm embraces of your friends comes the voice of the person you’ve been dreading to see.
“____?”
And then, you’re suffocating.
He’s a man. Of that you’re sure, because now his muscles stretch well over his broad shoulders, maroon satin shirt loose on his frame, tight around his biceps - properly sculpted of course - portraying defined collarbones.
His eyes are somewhat duller, though the same glimmer of loveable mischief he always had is evident. It will never go away, even after all these years, yet it’s tamer. That mischief caused him quite the trouble back in school, and now it seems he knows when to act, when to speak and when to stay silent.
His silhouette catches you off guard, his features are sharper, much sharper than how much Harry has matured. His biceps bulge obscenely when he rests his - also generously sized you might add - hand on the table, and the table suddenly doesn’t seem that long.
His forearms, on display with his sleeves rolled up, glistens under the soft lighting of the balcony. Your eyes fall on his bracelet adorned right wrist, one of which in particular catching your attention.
He’s still wearing the bracelet you gave him.
His face, always glowing, wears a large expression displaying his set of perfect teeth. He’s awestruck, you think.
You watch him push his large body out of the small chair, and wow chest, is your only thought. Then further down and...god damn thighs. Burly thighs - probably very comfortable too - squeezed in black tight fit jeans, however he managed that you don’t know but it was nice to imagine.
He’s leaned back, casual as he strolls towards you in two large steps, his long sculpted legs never disappointing.
Fred Weasley is genetically designed to ruin you and your insides with just one look, and you’re ashamed to have realized it all too late because when he speaks again you swear you saw stars.
“Wow - you,” he breaths, walking towards you with slow, unsure steps. “Grew!”
You raise a brow, Aleyna snorts. Grew? His steps should be unsure, because you want him to take them back, sit his fine fit ass back on that chair and pretend he never saw you.
Because this wasn’t your plan for tonight, seeing him wasn’t in your checklist. You woke up today, thinking nothing but coffee and a stressful moving day ahead. Not of the boy - the man you’ve been in love with since childhood, the man you blamed for your problems as an excuse to hide the heart squeezing pain of loneliness, the man you hadn’t seen in so many years you forgot what his voice sounded like.
You could have never guessed, and now you want to go back. Somehow rewind the clock to this morning when you were safe of your tucked away feelings trying to bulge, safe in your own little circle. All your efforts of leaving your house just a little early so you wouldn’t run into Fred seems stupid now. Your strategy ran smoothly for five years, it could’ve ran for more.
You would have continued avoiding him like your life depended on it, and his stupid joke shop, and the way he stupidly looked at you everytime he saw you. You’re reminded again, because no matter how older he looks he’s still Fred, and he still looks at you the same.
“I mean - beautifully! Shit I - fuck.” he groans, and George claps his brother on the back with a chuckle. Wherever he came from, because you were so entranced by Fred that you didn’t see George standing tall next to his family.
“____.” George stops before you, hands in his pockets. it happens too quickly that you’re forced out of your panicked state.
You raise a brow, and only then - Fred’s out of view with George’s figure towering over you - are you able to find your voice. “George.”
He pulls you in his tight embrace, “How come you never visited!” he scolds, chest stretching back to bring you with. “You’d think she’d bloody say hello once in a while! Maybe drop by our shop after 5 years, you quack!”
“George - can’t,” you heave and your legs wobble when he sets you on the ground again. You clear your throat, grinning widely at your...friend?
It would be fair to call him an acquaintance, right? You don’t know where you stand with the twins but you have love for them. This is clear from the way you can’t stop smiling like a sappy idiot - or perhaps it’s because of how contagious George’s smile is. You thought they hated you, but the youngest looks anything but displeased. He gives you a squeeze again before throwing an arm around your shoulder.
“I thought - I dunno. I thought you guys didn’t wanna see me.”
George scoffs, “Because you told us off that one time in seventh year?” he laughs, arms folding and displaying a set of bulging biceps much like Fred’s. “Yeah mate, you’re not that intimi-“
“George Weasley, finish that sentence I dare you!”
His eyes grow wide. “Sorry Ma’am.”
Someone clears their throat.
It’s Frederick Weasley, probably here to beat you to death.
“Hey Fred.” you greet, mouth dry. Get a grip, you scold yourself.
Fred opens his arms, “Well well,” he laughs, pulling you into a hug with a polite smile. His cheeks tint red when you shuffle closer, you would have missed this but you’re a creep, and you can’t stop staring at the beautiful man before you. He displays his beautifully indented smile lines, as if he was saying look at me! I’m perfect and sexy, I also broke your heart that one time, too bad I had no idea!
And it’s true, Fred never knew about your feelings. You kept them well hidden and they ate away at your organs from the inside, there was no reason to blame him. The realization is probably what compels you to accept him with open arms and wrap them around his neck.
You feel him shiver, dismissing it quickly because of the cold.
He smells good. Way too good that you melt in his arms and let him engulf you in his dangerous warmth. Manly, musky cologne, mixing with hints of cigar smoke that lingers on only certain areas of his shirt. You recognize the scotch in his breath when he whispers how much he had missed you, and his nape still has that cinnamon deliciousness he would parade whenever he came out of the shower, you fought the urge to shiver yourself, and it’s not because of the cold either.
It’s dizzying, and before you can start a detailed essay about how good his muscles feel, firm and digging into all the right places, he pulls away.
The past hits you like a ton of fucking bricks and crumbles down the firm foundations of the walls you have been building for eight years. You feel guilty, have you learned nothing? The loud pounding of your heart is a warning, yelling at you to stop getting swept away. Yet you can’t control it, just like how you can never control your feelings.
“I missed you guys too.” you breath shakily, you have to make sure to keep your distance. For your own good, you tell yourself.
Teddy pulls away your attention, and you silently add buy Teddy an expensively dumb toy to your checklist.
He sticks to your leg and is adamant on staying there. “I grew taller.” he says, looking at you between his eyelashes. “He says I didn’t, but I know I did!”
You chuckle, ignoring how Fred looks at the boy with such a warm expression, ignoring the way your heart nearly catapults out your chest.
“Well, stand straight soldier!” you demand.
Ted immediately lets go of your leg and straightens, hand going to his forehead to salute you. A giggle escapes him when you bend on your knees and act like you have a measuring stick on your hand. “Oh yes yes, seven feet tall and growing.” voice mock deep, you nod sternly.
“By this rate - I’ll pass you! Hah!” Teddy stomps his little foot on the stone floor, little sneakers barely making a sound.
You stand up again and fold your arms, “Well, I grow too you know! You can never pass me.” smirking slyly, you egg him on to see how much he’ll endure before he demands a ride on your shoulders - because that’s how giants saw the earth he told you. You doubt giants compare to a twenty four year old woman with attachment issues
Ted stands on his toes, struggling to tug on your shirt and bring you down. “No, I don’t like this game anymore…”
“Alright alright.” and with that you pick him up and prop the little boy on your shoulders.
Ted happily kicks his feet on your chest and you groan. He’s supposed to be five, not a midget wrestler. “Easy buddy boy.”
“You’re amazing with him, little twerp barely lets me tie his shoes.”
Fred’s voice startles you, only now do you realize that he had been watching you and Teddy. Speaking of, Ted’s busying himself with your hair, small hands pulling and twisting locks and mumbling incoherently.
Ear tips slowly catching fire, you chuckle. “Buy him a broom at four and see how he handles it.”
Fred shakes his head, tongue poking at the side of his cheek and you remind yourself to breathe. “You spoil him then? They say the way to a five year old's heart is money.”
“Damn, I’ll drink to that.”
Nuff words said, everyone soon sits on their designated chairs, and you pull one from another table, being the uninvited one.
Aleyna isn’t slick, you knew she had something up her sleeve the moment she had offered to pay for dinner. Though, this is your fault. You let her without calculating whatever end result was waiting to catch you off guard and ruin your entire life plan to avoid Fred Weasley.
Being the snake she is, snake Aleyna enticed you with nice food, dragged you to Sacree Fleur and did her little snake magic.
Awkwardly angled next to your best friend, you chat with Harry and Hermione while they tell you what you missed from work. (Not that you missed much, actually nothing different seems to have happened other than boring paperwork and Mrs Newersman’s new hairdo.)
Swirling your wine in one hand, the reflection of Fred from the rim of the glass keeps distracting you.
He’s changed, not personality wise though there were tweaks. Nor looks, he’s an adult now and his boyish charm is gone, but it isn’t quite that.
You can’t put a finger on it either, and you watch him laugh, carefree with his sister.
He looks relaxed, or maybe it’s merely the wine. Is it - no, couldn’t be. He looks happy. Genuine happiness and adoration for whomever. Love in his eyes as he looks at - Ah. He’s looking at you.
You jerk your head away and tip your wine glass back to gulp down liquid courage - because you need it tonight. This is bad, you tell yourself, kick you on the shin and punch to your gut bad. This can’t keep up or else you’re going to end up right back in that hollow pit of empty hope and gooey saturday lasagna.
“So, any plans for Christmas Eve ____?”
Ron’s timbre voice thankfully grips your arms and pulls you away from said hollow pit.
“Uhh what?” you cough awkwardly, setting your now empty wine glass down.
“Christmas Eve, what are you doing? Going back home?” Ron asks, raising a brow.
You can lie but something compels you not to, maybe it’s how warmly they always welcome you, how they’re welcoming you now with open arms and nice food.
You shake your head, answering honestly; “No actually, I’ll just celebrate with Jambo and Christmas movies.”
And that’s exactly how you’ve been spending your Christmas Eve these past few lonesome years. It wasn’t that lonely, you had Aleyna and people loved her bar, you’d drop by and count down with people you didn’t know, at least you got to kiss a random stranger.
“Jambo? He’s still alive?” Hermione chuckles.
“No no, this is Jambo Fitzwilliam the Second, who is also a cat but don’t you dare tell him that!” smiling, you joke lightheartedly to conceal the harsh news.
Your hand reaches to trace around your scar as you speak.You know their eyes follow, and you know they stare at it when you’re not looking. Teddy asked you one day, even after Ginny’s scolding but you happily told him your heroic story and how Bellatrix smelled like piss and rum.
Sighing, you set your hand on your lap.
Jambo had unfortunately passed away because apparently dogs couldn’t live two hundred years, which you were disappointed because clearly Dumbledore could. You had already grieved and mourned, it left you with the happiest memories of your precious dog and you were grateful.
“Poor kitty doesn’t know he’s adopted?” George frowns, banging his fist on the table.
You roll your eyes, “I’m sure he’s caught on by now, he’s three.”
“So, you’re spending Christmas Eve alone?” Fred asks, too suddenly and you flinch. He probably sees this, his effect on you.
You nod, and your friends gasp. Surely it wasn’t that big of a deal, or maybe it’s because of how normal it felt for you to be alone.
“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Ginny says, hand shooting out to rub your arm.
“I’ve been trying to get her out for ages-“
“Aleyna, don’t.” you nudge her arm.
“No Aleyna, do!” Ginny protests. “You’re spending it with us and that’s that.”
“Wha-“
George throws up his finger to shush you, “No objections!” he declares fiercely. “We’re having a party at our flat and you both are coming!”
“Oh! Unless you and Blaise have any other plans.” Hermione’s quick to ask, she isn’t being slick though.
Aleyna chuckles, “We had dinner reservations but we can make it.”
Hermione grins, and you watch Aleyna pretend that she didn’t notice her friend ready to snoop in her relationship with an amused smile. Not that it matters - she and Blaise have that kind of love you hoped for as a young girl. There was truly no two other people so perfect for each other.
“How’s Blaise doing by the way?”
Aleyna takes a sip from her almost empty glass and tuts on the bitter after taste. “Amazing, actually. He just got promoted…”
Almost empty glasses are soon emptied bottles, and two steaks turn into a large brownie for the middle. You know that it’s a good meal, because as you stand outside in the midnight cold, arm around Aleyna, your legs wobble and your stomach aches from all the deliciousness you’ve consumed. More like inhaled, you only realized how hungry you were until the second steak arrived.
“Thank you so much you guys!” you wave your arm, overly theatrical, forgetting about what a day you’ve had.
Though, the thoughts catch up as you lay awake in bed.
It had gone by too quickly, and your heart is still beating louder than any chirping of the bugs outside. Your bedroom lacks furnishing, it only adds to your wild imagination. Your mind paints pictures on the blank walls as your eyes dart around, Fred didn’t look in your direction once that night.
Or maybe he did, only you didn’t see.
It’s strange, whenever you turned your gaze his way, he seemed to be busying himself with whatever, whether it be his fork or napkin. How interesting can a damn napkin be? Hopefully not any lesser than you.
And are you just going to ignore that goddamned bracelet? The one you carefully sculpted with beads in such a way that you were sure Fred would suspect at least a drop of your raging crush. He’s still wearing it, that piece of string and glass - the symbol of your love and effort - survived through a war.
Are you reading into things? Surely not, he greeted you as anyone else would. Or maybe he remembered - you don’t dare think of that night.
How can they act so normally, so brazen after everything? It’s been almost six years since you saw them, have they got nothing to say to you? Maybe an apology?
Frustrated, you turn to your side and force your eyes shut.
————————
When night bleeds into morning, every cat has a tendency to quip over to their owners on their cushioned paws - which makes no noise but simple claw scratchings on the floor.
Jambo’s no different.
So, you’d imagine the poor creature's shock when he finds your bedroom empty. If he’d bothered to check, you’re seated on your island stool, pen and parchment in hand and mug of hot coffee (instant given the circumstance) in the other.
You hung your new curtains this morning, and were making use of them by shutting them halfway on the hooks while your window stood half open. You watch the snow flurry outside and gulp. If this week was to go horribly wrong... at least you have nice curtains waiting for you at your ritzy new apartment.
Jambo wraps his tail around your dangling ankle like he always does and you barely hum in acknowledgement. He’s purring, and it brings you comfort even if it’s for a small moment. But your question still remains unanswered, What would a five year old boy want for christmas?
It had been exactly two days since Ginny invited you to spend Christmas Eve together, and you busied yourself with buying them gifts - a tradition you hated because 1. coming up with gift ideas is infuriatingly hard. It’s way too time consuming, nit picking every single personality and deciding what they’ll like and what they’ll pretend to like. Pretend like they’re going to use it, and then never touch it until that one very specific occasion.
Maybe it’s excessive, but you actually like these people. They somehow give you - a sad, lonely sewer rat that’d been a neglected child - joy.
And 2. you feel like those people you make fun of every Christmas. Though, somewhere deep in your heart, you know you enjoy being those people. You would never admit it though.
What? You actually relish in the idea that you belong to a group, and that said group causes you to carry out cliche holiday traditions?
Absolute blasphemy.
Finally deciding, you leave your apartment in warm but cher clothing. It isn’t as crowded this morning - or maybe it’s because it’s seven forty in the crack of fucking dawn. Though, with the amount of caffeine you’ve consumed, it feels like ten.
Would they even be open, you ask yourself, jogging quickly about the streets on your heels to avoid the cold. It’s Christmas, they have to be.
Of course your logic sucks.
Shivering, you round the corner tea shop and fasten your pace. Ass freezing, lip tucked in between your teeth, you realize you have underestimated the morning London cold.
Soon, thankfully, the giant head of George(?) you assume, comes into view. The animatronic is motionless, big porcelain eyes closed and displaying sinister gaping holes. You shiver, and not because of the cold either.
Keeping your eyes low on your feet, you push the glass doors of the shop open. You don’t bother to check the inside from the generous glass displays, it’s way too cold and you don’t want to spend any more time outside with the giant George doll.
A bell rings, a little jingle up above that puts a smile on your face. Jambo’s collar jingled like that whenever he got excited, whether it be a pesky squirrel ready to bum off your house food, or maybe a friendly one showing its face to piss off the house dog.
You sigh, and only then notice the delicious scent of fresh coffee roast. Invading through your nostrils and turning you into a drunkard, and you can’t help but gravitate towards-
Woah, you’ve had your coffee today.
“Who's here so early, couldn’t a man enjoy breakfa-”
You smile apologetically, it’s only natural that Fred just woke up. He isn’t a morning person, after years of knowing him you found out one way or another. In your case, he was mean to you and that’s when it clicked. Fred doesn’t like the early hours of morning, where his hair isn’t as tame and his lips feel like they’re about to pop. You find it charming.
“____?”, the man of the hour comes into view, standing at the top of the spiral staircase. The first step is a rung, rolling on the hinges of the wall's edges. The staircase rattles when Fred steps down, and you quickly jump forward in panic.
Mug in one hand, his fingers rake through his mussed morning hair then settles on the checkout counter. “Morning,” He smiles, and those dang smile lines greets you, as if they’re mocking you again.
“Morning, I know it’s early and-”
“It’s okay, have you had breakfast yet?”
Taken aback, you nod. Disappointment flashes through his face, and before you can analyze he straightens. Taking a sip of his coffee and humming, he fixes his pyjama bottoms. Red and checkered, loosely hanging from his hip and giving you a teasing view of his lower abdomen. “Can I get you anything?” he asks again, adamant on offering you something.
You shake your head no and you watch his face fall. Merlin, you would have come starving if it meant having breakfast with him. The view before you is enough to fulfill your darkest fantasies, and this is enough. Because you know that this is all you could get. His friendship.
But is it though? Is it truly enough? Will it ever be enough?
The questions that linger around your head have an answer that you wouldn’t dare set free. Everything you’re doing right now is wrong, how you’re standing in front of him, letting his delicious scent compel you further into him.
He smells almost alluring - he always does - less piquant than yesterday. Probably the after taste of neglecting a shower, yet his natural fragrance is just as charming. You remember those mornings at the Burrow when Fred stumbled down the stairs, sun early and bright, woken up just like himself. He smelled ama-
Woah, down girl.
Fred clears his throat, and only then do you realize how long it has been since you spoke.
“I need to buy something.” you blurt. Fuck, this couldn't get more embarrassing. “For Ted, his gift.” You finish lamely.
“Ah,” Fred chuckles, giving you a quick lookover. You flush. “You have come to the right place.”
It’s true, the shop is truly...something. A gateway to heaven for anyone twelve or younger. Fascinated, you take your time to linger your eyes on every little nook and cranny that catches your eye.
The shop feels much tamer without the telltale rowdy crowd, it’s almost comforting. You can really see a piece of each twin on each display, Fred’s being the Deflagration Deluxe. ‘A deluxe selection of Weasleys’ Wild-Fire Whiz-Bangs’ read on the big cardboard. You chuckle, he always had a bag full of them that he carried around religiously.
“Those!” he exclaims, scurrying over to the display, “New and improved by yours truly.”
You chuckle, and Fred breaks out into a smile. “Here, I’ll show you around.” he mutters, before you can utter a protest, he takes your hand in his and drags you to a shelved corridor. “This is his favorite section, explosives and quidditch.”
You smile as you scan the heaps of colorful products lining the walls, all engraved with the shop's signature logo. Fingers coming out to touch a few, you subconsciencly swing your encased hands together. “These are real neat.”
Fred smirks, though his palms feel hotter than usual, “Not so much when he’s blowing up the bloody flat.”
You chuckle softly, eyes fluttering to imagine little Ted shaking up a pair of fireworks, unknowingly setting them off and resulting in a giant black mark on the ceiling. Because only that explains the small black stains on the walls of the shop.
“See anything you like?” Fred offers, almost in a whisper.
“No I,” you turn back to him, and something flashes between the two of you. “I’m still…looking.”
The air feels tense, warm, affecting your body. Your breath catches in your throat, Fred’s eyes bore into yours with such intensity that you don’t know what to do. Even your breathing feels on edge.
He moves closer to you and your heart flutters. His exhales hit your ear, only a breadth away from your neck and you flinch. Chills lift up the hair on your arms, “No...erm.” you mutter.
“Alright.” he says softly.
His eyes are hooded, displaying a perfectly long set of eyelashes.
How, is the question. They’re long and thick, and you’re jealous. Yes, you might have ruined yours with your curler but still, if you were born with eyelashes like that you wouldn’t even need a blasted curler.
“What are you thinking ‘bout.” he whispers, long digit lifting to stroke your cheek. So soft that you barely feel it, before he trails it up your cheekbones, to the panes of your face.
The same alarms blast in your ears, and you can’t ignore them this time. It isn’t that you don’t like this, on the contrary you’re ready to jump him.
“Eva!”
Fred takes a step back, face falling. “What?”
You shake off whatever just happened seconds ago and focus on reality. “Gosh, I forgot to ask.” you exclaim, over excited but at what cost. “How is she doing? Is she up there in the flat?”
Fred winces. “Actually-”
“I’m guessing you guys moved in together, after all those years you know. Don’t tell me you guys got marr-”
“____!” he takes a deep breath, “We broke up a few years ago.”
You freeze. “What?”
They broke up? “Why, oh Fred-”
Fred shushes you with a finger. Embarrassed, warmth spreads through you like a tidal wave. “I fell out of love, but it felt nice to have someone around, you know?”
You don’t say anything, yes you know but his loneliness and yours is much too different.
Growing up, Fred had the support of his family, he always had someone there. You knew it was bad to dismiss him like this, but the aching in your heart wasn’t going to allow him to speak like that. He always had someone affirming that it would be okay, someone to pat his back whenever he scored a goal through a hoop, whenever he got a good grade or did a cool trick with his broom. He still had them, even if he was at his worst. He had endless support. You didn’t.
It wasn’t easy after the war, living alone with nothing but the collar of Jambo gripped tightly in your hands. He had died shortly after Voldemort fell, and you had to hang onto the last piece he left until your agony died down. That was your only support.
Ginny, Hermione and Aleyna were there of course, but everyone's way of coping is different, and they didn’t understand yours nor each other’s. It’s worse to try and forget, run away from that fear because it would always catch up with you, and you found that the best way is to sit and feel.
But that doesn't mean your friends weren’t any less supportive. The after effects of the war were way more harsh on you than you let on, you were stuck on autopilot - a painful loop that made your life feel worthless. Work, money, survival - the three main aspects occupying your mind at all times. You didn’t have the love and attention to give to friends or a relationship (maybe that’s why it never worked out) but soon, Ginny and Hermione had reached out to you.
It was a simple letter delivered by their family owl Nebula - a descendant of poor old Errol. You remember tears pooling in your eyes when they told you how much they missed you, they gave meaning to your life. It was no longer the painful loop, they invited you over for dinner, visited every other day after hooking up your house Floo Network, you were always a welcomed guest in their homes.
They made you realize that friendship didn’t need much energy nor hard effort, just being there for each other was enough. Love for someone came naturally, and you didn’t need to extract some of your own self-love to give to others. They were two different things.
Skimming past that, you watch Fred show you three different options of Make Your Own Fireworks kits. You smile solemnly, accept a random one and quietly follow him to the checkup counter.
“So.” he starts, wrapping the product with the paper design you picked. “How about you, anyone special?”
Drumming your fingers on the counter, you shrug. “I dated Theo Nott for a year, I knew nothing would come out of it but like you said, nice to have someone.”
He raises an eyebrow, “Nott? Really?” he frowns. “Can’t believe that tosser managed to-”
You snort, “What is that supposed to mean?”
Shrugging, Fred hands you the package. “Nothing, it’s just that -” he pauses and his eyes look at you like you should know what he’s talking about. As if the two of you have some sort of telepathic connection, Fred was always like this.
He would look at you like you understood a word you said, even though he’s been silent for the past minute or so. He always struggled to express himself, and you’re sad to see that this habit followed him into adulthood.
Nonetheless, you smile. “Just that what?”
“Nevermind,” he sighs. “That’ll be twenty five galleons.”
“Twenty what?” Your eyes widen. “You heartless man!”
Fred gapes at you, struggling to keep a straight face.
“Twenty five, to your oldest pal? Twenty and a stick of gum.”
Fred pretends to think. “How about you keep the gum and give me twenty four.”
“Twenty two.” you narrow your eyes, leaning forward on the counter. “Oh come on, it’s Christmas!”
Fred scoffs,“I am giving you the holiday discount!”
Grumbling, you reluctantly stick your hand in your purse and take out your wallet. “I won’t forget this. You’re in my book.”
Fred gasped dramatically, “Not the book!” he exclaims, “Twenty two then, please for the love of merlin not the book.”
You lift your chin, head tilting to the side to survey him mockingly. “Twenty two it is, you won’t get away so easily next time.”
The two of you giggling, you pay him the money and leave a few sickles. “For the great service.” you say, him pretend-blushing at your words and tucking a strand of his shoulder length hair behind his ear.
He speaks after some time, the laughter has died down and left it’s comforting after taste. “I missed you ____, why didn’t you visit?”
That turns the after taste into pure panic.
How can he ask that when the answer is so obvious. Fred’s still cruel it seems, he doesn’t bat an eyelash as he speaks. He knows the reason.
“Oh you know,” you start after some time, “Work and stuff.” you lie, and fight the urge to cringe at your words.
Though Fred doesn’t buy it, he doesn’t push it either. He simply nods, looking down at the checkout counter. You’re glad he’s avoiding your gaze, because it makes your departure much easier. “See you at the party Fred, thanks for the...uh. Yeah.” you awkwardly lift your bag up and give him a wave before pushing yourself outside. You can finally breathe.
——————
You look good.
Or, at least you think you do.
Blaise was arriving in exactly seven minutes and you barely just put on your dress. You’re sure of this because Blaise is always on time, he even has an unnecessarily expensive watch on his right hand that he obsessively likes to check. At least Aleyna’s into it, frantically trying to strap her heels, she’s wriggling herself towards the front door to somehow track her lover. You don’t know how love works, maybe they can smell each other from a mile away or something.
Shaking your head, you fluff your hair and wipe a hand across your under eye after wetting it with your tongue. You think Aleyna calls for you, you’re not sure because you’re too occupied trying to decide if you’re going to wear lipstick.
“Hey,” you walk out of your bathroom door and scurry towards her, “should I?”
Aleyna raises a brow. You scoff, “Stop doing that, you know I can’t raise mine individually.”
“Sounds like a you problem.”
“I’m about to make it your problem too if you don’t help me.”
As reflex, you roll your eyes. You only do this because you know it reminds Aleyna of that one chick from Blaise’s workplace - she knows no boundaries, apparently. It’s a shitty move, but it’s a shitty world.
Aleyna carefully inspects the two products you hold tightly between your hands. A simple shimmery gloss and a nude, almost dark red lipstick you stole - borrowed - from her. “Depends, who are you smooching?”
Throwing her an incredulous look, you hold out the two products on your palms. “I’m not smooching anyone.”
Unless of course Fred Weasley asks, if he does you would pull out makeup wipes from thin air and jump into his arms with naked lips ready to be kissed. Though, that’s only a fantasy and Fred is emotionally unavailable...scratch that, you are.
You’re not sure how tonight is going to end, and you can’t help but be aware of that looming clump of anxiety, clutching on your chest and refusing to let go until you're assured that it’s going to be fine.
“The gloss, just in case.” Aleyna stops your train of thought before it trashes off its tracks and crashes somewhere in Fred McDreamy land.
You nod, making no further inquiries and getting yourself ready as best as you can. Fixing your bodice and giving your scar a quick look, you finally hear the doorbell ring after a few long minutes, followed by Blaise’s deep voice greeting his girlfriend. You give the couple a few seconds to smooch - if you will, before walking back to the living room.
Blaise grins when he sees you, he’s wearing a sleek black suit with its first two collar buttons undone - you expect no less class from him.
“Happy Christmas!” you chime, pulling him into a hug and squeezing him tight just enough so you can whisper in his ear. “I hope you picked out the second ring, Zabini.”
Blaise swallows thickly before laughing, you know this because you physically feel him start to sweat. “I swear I did, don’t worry I have a plan.” he winks after letting go.
“I knew you were going to say that,” he loops an arm around Aleyna’s waist and pulls her by his side. “Only the best for my girl.”
Aleyna gives you both questioning looks.
You quickly clear your throat, “Anyways, let’s go before the serenading and the rose petals start.”
The three of you finally leave, the walk down your apartment building feels way too short, and the moment you exit you’re hit with the wonderfully chilly Christmas air.
For a moment, you forget where you’re going.
Lights are hung up everywhere, across shops, tangled through trees and some floating in the air. You can’t see the night sky, Diagon Alley has one of its own, adorned with radiant moons and luminous stars just bright enough for people to navigate themselves through crowds with zero accidents. It feels breathtakingly overwhelming.
Glass ornaments are charmed to fly across, a special show prepared by Madame Mulkin, and Mr. Eyelop tuned in by letting out a few snow owls rest around random trees to add to the warm atmosphere. There’s flavour wafting around the air, you inhale again to identify it better.
Speeding your way through - it hits you, gingerbread and chocolate.
You clutch your bag towards your chest, suddenly you feel disgustingly sappy. Though, you are in public so you decide to shake off that small warmth threatening your heart and continue walking towards Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes.
The walk towards the shop feels too short again, you almost check your watch to see if Hermione’s playing with the time turner again.
You almost turn on your heel, dump the bundle of presents you’ve bought on their front door and leave. You can, in theory, you’ve separated from Aleyna and Blaise midway through and you can just run and never look back.
Tough luck, when you walk through the generously decorated shop and up the stairs, you’re disappointed to see their flat door wide open.
You stare at it, it feels too inviting. Frank Sinatra blares through the walls, you can smell hints of incense, trailing through your nose and tickling you, causing you to sneeze. You were always sensitive towards smells, and it never bothered you until now.
“Bless you!” George Weasley appears, rounding a corridor and greeting you with open arms into his neat dress shirt. He hugs you like you’re family, and if you weren’t holding a sack like Santa Clause with his your jolly ass hanging on by the mere piece of fabric of your dress you would have hugged back.
“Thanks, Happy Christmas George.” you smile when he takes the sack from your hands and weighs it with raised brows.
“You didn’t have to buy anything ____!” he pats your shoulder, hand trailing to your lower back to navigate you inside. “We are the gift givers, you’re our guest.”
You chuckle, walking through the long entrance corridor, “Of course I’m getting gifts you quack.”
George scoffs, “Using my words against me now are we?”
When you gaze up at the famous joke shop as a little civilian in the streets of Diagon Alley, you don’t expect to catch the sight of a flat this large. You knew it was sizable since two grown men somehow fit and live there, but you underestimated just how successful Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes was.
The floors are wood, clean with even several shoes stepping around, chattering with wine glasses in their wobbly hands. A bulletin board hangs next to a quidditch rack filled with different kinds of equipment - old and new.
Too entranced by the cozy interior, you don’t bother stealing glances at the bulletin board. The kitchen and living room are connected, yet they still somehow feel like completely different rooms. The den is lit up by a brick fireplace, lightly crackling and making the atmosphere all the more comfortable. The soft fur (faux you hoped, though Mr Weasley did have a muggle hunting rifle phase which you thoroughly discouraged) carpet tickles your ankles and you have to hold onto George’s arm for support
“Bevvy?” he offers you, holding out a pint beer glass and you shake your head, admiring the apartment further.
Most couches are leather yet they still look comfortable, the kitchen is big but not obnoxiously so, you can hear the clinking of a foosball table - commotion makes sense in their apartment - the wide living space narrows through a corridor, leading to what you assume must be bedrooms.
You’re glad Fred and Eva broke up, because you decide then and there that you’re going to visit the twins everyday despite your history, just to step into this apartment again.
“____!”
Angelina’s sweet voice causes your unease to vanish in an instant and you crush her in a tight hug.
“Merry Christmas!” you smile, looping an arm around her shoulder and letting her guide you through the flat. “You changed your hair!”
Angelina nudges you with her hip, “Thank merlin you noticed, George is clueless.”
“Oh? George? You never told me - Hey Cho!”
You’re cut off by several familiar faces greeting you and telling you to make yourself comfortable. And you do, right next to Hermione and Ginny, two pregnant and fierce women that keep bickering with their husbands because of their weird cravings.
“I’m with you on this one Gin’!” you snort, eyeing Harry. You have a wine glass in one hand and the power you hold makes you feel too confident. “If the woman wants sausages marinated with toothpaste, she’s getting sausages marinated with toothpaste!”
Harry grumbles, “Will you please stop fueling this!” he protests, downing his drink and banging this on the table. “Look sweetheart, you wanted onions and mustard just a second ago so I got you ‘em, what made you change your mind?”
Ginny bangs her fist on the coffee table, in addition to Harry’s outburst. It seemed everyone was banging stuff on tables, so you do too.
“You think I know? Sod off or get me my toothpaste!” Ginny yells, banging another fist after you.
Harry kneels down next to the foot of the couch and holds his wife’s hand, gently massaging her knuckles. “We can’t get you toothpaste,” he says calmly.
“Why!” says Ginny, banging another fist.
“I think you know why,” says Harry.
“Stop damaging my property.” says George, materializing out of thin air.
You feel bad for Harry, you truly do but it only lasts for a second because this is even more entertaining than watching Aunt Muriel try to play foosball while shouting ‘Come at me you haired back marys!’
You’re enjoying yourself, the buzz, the warmth, the scent of fire. It’s comfortable and not at all like a party. It’s as if you’re visiting your friends for thanksgiving, homely and welcoming.
Though, the first crack forms when you see Fred, eyeing you from the small bar of their kitchen.
Dressed in navy slacks and a red, turtleneck sweater, he leans against the counter with a glass of Firewhiskey clutched on his big hand. He swirls it as his lips twitch, keeping his gaze set on you. His hair falls on his eyes, mostly pushed back but how strong hair gel can really be?
He looks good, way too good for a party. But it’s not the outfit, it's his entire presence. The way he holds himself, acts, speaks - shit, it’s attractive. He can do anything and he’ll always have that charismatic charm, it makes you feel envious, not to mention incredibly horny.
It’s Christmas, it’s a sacred holiday. You can’t let Fred sexy Weasley get to you, no matter how unapproachable and out of your league he looks.
You’re the bigger person - apparently - and you decide to greet him first.
You don’t know what compels you to do this, but it must be quite a strong force because you feel yourself start to quiver when you abandon your place on the couch. It’s so strong that your wobbly legs carry you while you push through tipsy friends and hold you up all the way to the kitchen area.
“Merry Christmas.” you croak, pulling him in a quick hug which he returns happily.
“Merry Christmas yourself.” he smiles, gaze drifting lower to your dress only for a second before he swallows.
His signature cologne that you’ve engraved deep in your head this past week bursts out again. You smile softly, relishing in him.
“You look,” he seems to be giving much more thought on whatever he’s about to say, he settles on; “Beautiful, you’re, uh - the dress.” he finishes lamely.
“Oh,” your face falls. The dress is beautiful, not you. Of course. “Thank you, I would say you don’t look too bad yourself but that would be a lie.”
Fred raises a brow, putting his wine glass on the bar with a clink before slowly turning on his heel. “Aw, cheers love.” he says casually, “Wore it for you,”
You raise both your brows, “Is that so?” you fight a grin.
“This little number is my lucky charm.” he smirks, pulling on his shirt. “Made women fall at my feet back in the day, maybe you will too.” he finishes, more bashfully than before. His cheeks are tinted pink and, now, for the first time, you feel clueless.
Your heart stutters when you speak, “Trying to butter me up Frederick?” you say shly, nudging the tip of his shoe with yours.
Fred winks. “And what if I am?” he suddenly straightens, arms folding together. His head bows as he continues with a smile, “I’m joking, got this a week ago for the party.”
You fight the urge to smile, “Ah, so not the chick magnet.”
“Well,” Fred laughs, “It’s still very wolfish.”
“Whatever you say, big ole pussy cat.” you pat him on the shoulder.
Fred scoffs good naturally, “Ah, you hurt my pride ____.”
When you don’t say anything, his gaze falls on you. He takes the time to look at you, really take you in and it makes your efforts feel appreciated for once. He takes a deep breath, head careening left for a moment.
“It’s not just the dress.” he rubs the back of his neck, eyes falling on your scar. “You really are beautiful.”
Your hand immediately flies to your brow, tracing a finger down the gash. It’s not as noticeable anymore and your hair grew back - thankfully - but the knowledge that it’s still there, parading itself to everyone makes you feel much more self conscious than you should.
Fred’s hand closes over yours and you freeze. “You might not think so, but not only is your scar a wicked bedtime story, it’s very attractive.”
Your ears feel hot, “You think I’m attractive?”
It’s a nice compliment - especially when it comes from a man like Fred.
“Do I think you’re,” he gasps, giving you an incredulous look. “Of course you’re - ! I mean you can’t be asking me that - are you, gah!”
A chuckle bubbles from your throat. It’s quite amusing watching Fred Weasley struggling to speak, clearly embarrassed. The knowledge that you made him this way, you were sleeping like a baby tonight that’s for sure.
“Look, ____. I actually wanted to tell you something really important.” he fidgets with his cuffs.
You furrow your brows, “Of course, what is it?”
“I used to, well I think I still do because it never truly went away but - okay, this is harder than I thought.”
You chuckle nervously. “Fred, you’re freaking me out here.”
You hear him mutter something along the likes of what’s wrong with me, until he speaks again.
“What I meant to say was, I wan-“
“Oh my god, ____, Fred!”
When you left your apartment a few days ago, your mind didn’t calculate the outcomes of meeting Fred Weasley.
The impact is so strong that it causes your past to - not flash, because this is painful - slowly start playing before your eyes, like a play you have to sit through because the seats were expensive, and the star of the show, the star of your own life is standing right in front of you.
She’s wearing a gorgeous, gold cocktail dress. The costume design is delicate, it’s the type of dress you flutter your fingers in (the fabric is ticklish and soft, you just had to touch it) before moving onto the next. The rack is full of other suitable options, because you know you can never wear a dress like that.
But Eva can. She was always gorgeous, you couldn’t compare.
Fred’s eyes are wide, the way he’s tugging on your dress makes worry wash over you. “Eva? Erm - who invited you?” His words sound more bitter than he intends them to, or at least you think so.
“Oh, is that how you treat guests around here?” she fucking giggles, playfully slapping his shoulder.
You can’t tell if she’s purposely ignoring you - you’re standing right there - or just forgot your existence after seeing Fred in those pants because sweet merciful heavens.
Fred shifts uncomfortably, “Right sorry well, Merry Christmas!” he’s back to normal, addressing her as he addresses anyone else you can’t help but smirk.
Of course, you immediately jump on this opportunity. Eva may have ruined most of your childhood, she may currently look gorgeous - mockingly so, but you’re not kids anymore. No matter how insignificant you feel, you still have your pride to protect.
“Merry Christmas,” you add, jumping forward. “How long has it been?”
Eva’s expression turns sour, though she conceals it quickly. “____! Oh I love your dress.”
She doesn’t wish you a merry christmas.
“Happy holidays Freddie! Where can a girl get a drink around here?” she squeaks? You’re not sure, her voice is too sweet and you don’t know how to act.
Fred grins, “Right there,” he points to a corner far away from the kitchen. “Lee’s in charge of drinks, I’m sure he can hook you up with something.”
Eva ponders, pausing for a beat. She’s expectantly staring at Fred, though when he shows no intention of accompanying her she gives you a menacing look and leaves.
You didn’t expect a big reunion because you saw Eva a few months ago at the hospital, you had sprained an ankle while training with Ron, and she tried to heal you before the Head Healer cut in and told her to take a walk.
Fred’s weight relaxes as soon as Eva’s out of view, it doesn’t take much to know something happened between the two - it wasn’t a harmless breakup like Fred had told you. You don’t push it though, if he wants to tell you he will.
“Well that was,” you say, and he hums in response, swirling his drink in one hand. You watch the gold hue with him for a moment. “Interesting.”
He snorts, “She drops by every Friday to give me green apples. I hate green apples.”
“How long did you guys date?” you can’t help the words that tumble out of your lips.
He stares at you for a moment, you swear his lip almost twitch in a smile before he clears his throat. “Three years, I thought I loved her for a year.”
“Well what changed your mind?”
Fred looks at you like you just asked the dumbest question a joke shop owner could hear. “You, daft idiot, you did.”
“Wha-” you stammer. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Fred groans. “I need a drink.” and with that, he leaves towards where Eva previously walked on her precious Chanel heels. Leaves you alone.
It wasn’t like you called the man's family a disgrace and cursed his entire bloodline. Confused, you decide that maybe you need a drink as well to survive this night.
Everyone you had talked to so far ended with a disagreement, except George because he probably felt bad for you and your huge red gift sack. Embarrassment fills your cheeks as you walk towards the beverage table, you shouldn’t have come tonight.
The cherry on top gets dropped on the shit sundae when Eva Burke bumps into your shoulder and causes you to spill your drink.
“Oops! Babe I’m so sorry,” She pulls a red cloth from the glass table filled with different types of intoxications and rubs it on the fabric of your dress, further ruining it.
Embarrassment turns into frustration, this turns into pure anger. You see red.
You snatch the cloth from her hands and lightly push her forward, Eva dramatically - and very theatrically - falls on the ground with a yelp.
“Oh get up!” you hiss, throwing the cloth on the ground.
Eva scrambles to her feet, holding her right ankle with dainty, perfectly manicured hands. “Oh, now we’re turning to violence are we? Some things never change.”
You let out a frustrated grumble, stumping your heel on the ground. “I really don’t have time for this Eva.”
“We’re just talking babe, I don’t understand why you’re so upset over this.”
“I’m not upset, I’m tired.” you sigh.
Suddenly with her magically healed ankle she trudges forward. “Is it the dress?” she pouts, bending down to eye the splotch on your chest. “I can pay for it, say...two sickles?”
Your eyes narrow, “How about this, you show me how your career is going and I’ll decide if you can afford a wash.”
Eva barks out a laugh, “How about this, I’ll show you a family picture album.”
Gasping, you hold back the urge to slap her. You never expected Eva to stoop this low, and you know you shouldn’t be upset over it but it hurts. It hurts how easily she can use your family against you with no remorse.
Beyond pissed, insulted and done with tonight, you pull out your wand and get ready to apparate. This time it’s not to run away, nor do you feel like a coward. You feel tired, using your palms to press into your temple and relieve your throbbing headache.
Eva grips your wand and tries to pull you forward with failed force. “Let’s get this straight, Fred’s not interested in you.”
“And you think he’s interested in you?” you laugh, “You broke up remember?
Eva flings her long hair back, “And I’m gonna get him back. No one breaks up with me.”
“So, you're still a narcissistic bitch.” you smile.
“And you’re still pathetically clinging onto whatever I touch.” She takes a step forward, and it hits you then and there that you aren’t going home sooner or later. “Wanna know why we broke up?”
You hold your breath, her perfume is too sweet and you can’t process her words.
“He caught me cheating.” she smirks. “And he still begged me to stay, after all that.”
Your nostrils flare, and you’re about ready to punch her. You’ve never seen someone so prideful, so proud to have done something so obaminable. But it doesn’t surprise you, you pity her.
“Some loser from the bank.” she mockingly wipes a nonexistent tear with her jeweled wrist. “See, that’s the difference between me and you ____. “
You almost scream bloody murder. “Oh do enlighten me.” Your voice is weirdly high pitched but you don’t seem to care.
“He begged me, not you. He’ll never want you. You’ll always end up with the leftovers ____, accept that.” she hisses, taking another step forward.
You don’t know what you’ve done to the woman standing before you with nothing but red fire in her eyes, she looks ready to pull out your hair follicle by follicle, yet it makes you smirk. With a shit eating grin on your face, it hits you. “I knew it.” you laugh.
Eva stutters, “What?”
“Why you’re actually delusional to think he’s taking you back.”
“Oh but he will.” she protests, stomping her heel.
“No, he won’t.”
When you see Eva stay quiet, you continue. ”You grew up spoiled rotten, your parents love you, hell my parents love you, you always had the most friends and always got your way.”
She smirks, you’re tempted not to continue but years of pent up anger is ready to burst through your chest. “Yeah, jealous are we?” Eve mocks, and you quiver as you speak. Stating the obvious doesn’t hurt you anymore.
“No, because you grew up thinking everyone will love you, no matter how wrong you are, or what horrible things you do, you’ll always think that people won’t stop being by your side.” you shake your head, tutting. “But you’re wrong. I guess that’s what too much love does to you - you think a simple sorry will fix what you did? Because no, it won’t.”
“Oh stop it, Fred wants me back, it’s painfully obvious.” Eva speaks, but she doesn’t sound sure at all.
“I’ll make it clear for you.” you smile. “Fred won’t take you back for cheating, you won’t get a second chance in your career, and you sure as hell won’t be getting an apology from me.”
By now, you don’t care who's listening, because they are. Oh, they’re eating this kitty fight up like free dessert Monday at Fleur’s. Your childhood friends are watching you with intense, widened eyes. And somehow, in a cruel, wicked way, you feel satisfaction. The harsh words slipping out of your lips like nectar, in comparison to the way they slap Eva across the face fills you with nothing but disgusting satisfaction.
Sure, it’s immature and yes, you could’ve worded everything much better to be even more impactful, but the way her eyes are bloodshot and vengenceful, it’s enough for you.
Eva grits her teeth, and you know she doesn’t have much to say. “I don’t need an apology from you, ____.” she speaks, and her next words cause you to freeze, because no matter what wrong doing, she’s still right. ”You’re right, I might not be forgiven, but in the end I will always be better than you. People will always favour me more and you can never change that.”
You try to lunge forward, teeth gritter. With harsh impact, you topple backwards. Strong arms are wrapped around your chest, holding you back from gouging Eva’s eyes out with the toothpick from the martini glasses.
“Nice weather we’re having,” Fred says, a deep rumble coming from his chest and against your back. You fight the urge to shiver, though you’re way too angry to be thinking of how good he smells. “Why don’t we sober up sweetheart.” he asks you, whispering.
“No!” you shriek, struggling to move forward. “This isn’t over until I break her nose!”
Eva laughs, “Oh come at me, babe! Let’s see what a traumatized neglected child can do, yeah?” her eyes flash.
A deep, growling of distress leaves you. “Oh let me go! Let’s see what a filthy adulter can do!”
“I didn’t mean to cheat you know!”
You groan, “Heaven’s above let me go Fred.”
Eva takes two steps forward before Lee grasps her arms. “But these things happen for a reason!” her shrill voice causes you to wince.
“Yeah, you!” you cry.
Eva shrieks, lunging forward in an attempt to reach you again, and at that moment Fred seems to have about enough.
“Alright, that’s it.” His stern voice causes you to flinch, muscular arms still holding you close to his chest, he yanks you backwards and starts walking towards the corridor. “That’s enough with the both of you, Lee take Eva outside, get her some fresh air.”
——————
Fred has the decency to take you to his bedroom rather than toss you outside like he had done with Eva.
If the situation was any different, you’d be over the moon right now. Alone? With Fred Weasley? In his big bedded, fireplace occupying, additional bathroom having bedroom?
Said situation did not have you sitting on a leather rocking chair, big mug of coffee in hand while Fred lectures you like a parent. Actually, you wouldn’t know.
You’ve been quiet for the past fifteen minutes, too scared to say anything and anger him further. You knew how much this party meant to him, and you had ruined it with your childish, pent up jealousy. It wasn’t just you per say, but you had let Eva get to you.
“Can’t the two of you act your age for one fucking second,” he groans, hand propped against the brick fireplace. “I know how infuriating she is, but you-” inhaling sharply, he strides towards you. “Say something will you?”
“Why didn’t you tell me she cheated?”
Fred’s expression softens. “What?”
You gulp, you shouldn’t have brought it up when he was agitated, but you can’t listen to him while the words echo around your head. You feel awful, insensitive, anything else to call yourself that makes you feel better towards your lack of judgement. “She cheated, you didn’t tell me. Why?”
Fred pauses, after what feels like a seconds he bends down on his knees in front of you while you watch him, engrossed.
“Been waiting for you to bring it up.” he chuckles, his smile disappearing in an instant. His ginger locks hang in front of you and you realize that his shampoo, like the rest of him, smells amazing. You fight the intense urge to card your fingers through.
“Merlin, I just,” he meets your eyes. “I felt ashamed.”
Suddenly standing up, your hands flail. “Why?”
Fred stands up as well. His stance alarms you, arms wrapped around himself, brows furrowed and defensive. “Not ashamed because of you, because of myself.”
You take a step forward when Fred indicates that he’s going to continue. “I thought you were going to judge me. Bloody coward, can’t even break up with his cheating girlfriend.”
You scoff, “Fred, I’ve known you since I was eleven. Sure we had some tough times but do you really think that low of me?”
Now he scoffs, it’s nothing short of mockery. “Tough times my arse. You avoided us like the plague, ____.”
“I had my reasons,” you raise your voice, wincing slightly and it only fuels Fred’s anger.
“Proper liar you are, you didn’t even write, or even just explain why you suddenly walked out.”
You don’t feel ashamed for what you did, it was for your own good. Though, Fred’s right. You never gave a proper reason other than those childish insults at Hog’s Head. But now, with your head banging, you can’t think logically.
“Again.” you grit your teeth, words spilling between like venom. “I had my reasons.”
Fred quickly stalks towards you, enough so you can reach a hand, grab his jaw and smash your lips against his. But you don’t. “Excuse me for not giving a rat's arse about your reasons, do you know how worried I was!”
His words pull a small gasp from your lips, you refuse to believe him. “If you were so worried, you could’ve spoken to me all those years. How about that summer huh? I stayed over.”
“But I did speak to you!” Fred shouts, and your fists clench. “You were a bitch to me, remember?”
Your groan is filled with contempt. “You take that back!” your fist lifts to smack him on the chest, and you curse his overwhelmingly hard and attractive biceps. Shit, you really shouldn’t be feeling like this during a fight.
“You wanna know why I did all that?” you cry out, tears ready to strain your cheeks but you won’t forgive yourself if you cried in front of him.
“Oh do tell?” he seethes, grasping your fist in a quick motion and holding it beside him before you can smack his chest again. “Merlin woman keep your-”
“Because I was in love with you, you dickwad!”
Fred freezes - second time that night.
Your heartbeat pounds against your chest, you feel vulnerable. Oh so vulnerable and stupid, you shouldn’t have said it.
Fuck fuck fuck.
You should have just kept your stupid mouth shut, dragged your stupid ass back home and took a stupid shower.
But it was too late.
Fred takes a slow step back, continued by several until he’s on the other side of the room with his arms propped against a wall, head hanging low. He’s breathing heavily, you’re finally crying.
“So you aren’t going to say anything?” you yell, stomping your heel on the ground. “Do you know how hard it was for me to watch you and Eva all those years, you wouldn’t even look at me.” you choke on your sobs, remembering everything. The painful memories, the emotions hit you like the Ford Angelia with Ron behind the wheels.
“The Yule Ball, I saw you two together. It hurt so much and I cou- umpfh”
You almost swallow your tongue.
Soft lips, those are the only words writing out in your mind. Fireworks erupting around the letters and causing shivers to run around your entire being. Taken aback, you can’t move until your mind processes that Fred Weasley is kissing you.
Fred groans, opening your mouth with his and grazing his tongue against your bottom lip. It’s so gentle that you doubt you feel it, until his hand grips the back of your head and presses you against him harder. Now you can taste the wet, warm feel of his tongue against yours, the certain flicks of the tip gracing your own.
He pulls back only slightly, panting against your lips and causing your breaths to intermingle intimately. “The Yule Ball,” he starts, going back in for another, hurried kiss.
“She told me, you - closer.” He yanks you in by your waist with his other hand, palm gripping your ass and kneading it with vigour.
“Told me she saw you with someone else,” he pulls you closer when your hands wrap around his shoulders. “It broke me ____.”
“Fred,” you sigh, gripping on his sweater tighter.
“That’s Freddie for you, love.”
Heat curls in your lower belly. His lips are on yours again, begging you for something you didn’t quite know yet. “Freddie,” you chant.
“That’s right.” he chuckles lowly, his rumbling voice against your chest.
You merely shiver, latch onto the tufts on his neck and anchor him lower to your lips until your lungs are overwhelmed with nothing but slow, languid kisses. Fred kissed really good - oh who were you kidding, he was the best kiss you’ve ever had. It’s addictively so, and you chase his lips when he pulls away.
“I,” he breaths, whispering. “I was so devastated by what Eva told me,” he hugs you tighter. “I loved - still love you so much, I didn’t know how to cope.”
“You love me?” Now, there’s more tears. You aren’t sure if they’re of pure joy, frustration or the ache between your legs. “For how long?”
“Since third year,” he murmurs against your cheek, breathing in your scent and shakily exhaling. “I still wear the bracelet, never took it off.”
“I saw,” you nuzzle your head in his chest, your heart feels like it’s about to burst. “It made me so happy, I thought you would have lost it by now or something.”
“Oh Flower, there you are hurting my pride again.”
The nickname knocks all the breath out of your lungs. You only hug him tighter, not daring to mention that throughout these years you flinched whenever someone said flower, or how you simply refused to visit any flower shop. Yes, it did cause problems during holidays and of course, funerals but at least your Disney gift cards contained sentiment.
“I wasn’t with anyone during the Yule Ball.” you mutter.
“I know.”
“Then why didn’t you come back?”
Fred shivers. “I didn’t know back then, Merlin if I had…”
“You’re an idiot.” you chuckle, hurriedly wiping away the drying tears from your cheeks.
“That’s right,” Fred rasps, pulling your face towards his. “I’m a stupid, stupid prat.”
That was, if the loud countdown roaring outside Fred’s bedroom door didn’t ruin the most pleasurable lips you were going to taste - yet again.
Your eyes widen, Fred whines and pulls you back into his arms but you’re already rushing to the closed door. “We’re missing the count down!”
“Oh come one,” Fred steps behind you, hand over yours to grip the knob. You struggle under his hold and try to turn it. “I’ll make you count, hop on the bed, love.”
You have to gulp down nothing but air to keep yourself at bay. God, yes, you would have shouted, stripped naked and let him have his way with you.
But you can’t, not with your friends right outside the door, slightly tipsy and merrily counting down from ten. Speaking of, they’re nearing seven - you have exactly seven seconds to push Fred off and throw yourself outside.
Six seconds until you turn the knob and ignore Fred’s protests, five until Harry and Ginny throw their arms around your shoulders, four until George decides not the comment on you and Fred’s flushed appearance, three until Fred does, two until you’re suddenly pulled forward - one, Fred’s kissing you in front of his friends and family.
Fuck.
It was that one, long second that Ron lets the confetti burst in utter silence while everyone stares at you. It’s a quick yet passionate peck - enough for couples to abandon their new year's kiss and focus solely on yours.
“Finally!” George yells.
Ginny cheers after his brother, “Took you ten bloody years!”
Last of the Weasleys, Ron, gapes. “When did that become a thing?” he mutters, completely oblivious but still happy nonetheless.
If Hermione and Ginny hadn’t swept you away, you would have spent your night glued to Fred’s side, demanding to show him off after all those years of pining.
Your two friends keep asking questions - not overly detailed considering Fred’s Ginny’s older brother. Your lips hurt from smiling by the end of your overly exaggerated story,
The end of the night brings tranquility over the apartment, after presents are ripped open and everyone says their goodbyes, you’re left alone the twins, helping them clean the flat with quick flicks of your wand.
Your watch reads one thirty, you need to leave soon. Aleyna and Blaise hadn’t shown, which only means the proposal was a success. You want to go home and congratulate them, but also spend some time with Fred.
Fred himself is busy wiping pint glasses and lining them neatly in empty cupboards. The both of you keep stealing glances at each other, and it would have been more romantic if George would stop scoffing whenever Fred bashfully smiled in your direction.
“____.”
You hum in acknowledgment, watching Fred’s back shuffle as he washes the dishes.
“Thanks for giving a hand, you didn’t have to.” George smiles kindly, hands tucked in his pockets.
You smile back, “Oh it’s alright.”
“I just wanted to apologize.” he looks down, it isn’t the dorky shyness George casually sports at times, he looks sorrowful.
“For what?” you ask, lips lowering into a frown to match his.
“For being a git all those years back. I was young and a shit head. I’m sorry.” he sighs, leaning his shoulder on the wall.
You chuckle, just the familiar voice of George resurfaces pleasant memories you wished you never forgot. “It’s alright, I’m over it.”
“Really?” he raises a brow. “Because I wouldn’t forgive myself personally. Go on, give me a smack or something.”
“I’m not smacking you George.” you say, you make sure your tone sounds playful to put his mind at ease. “We all had our issues, I probably should have talked to you guys instead of just storming off. Partly my fault.”
George smiles, “It wasn’t your fault, but I’m glad you can forgive me.” He squeezes your shoulder in a way to reassure you, while it feels like he needs it more. You nod fondly.
“And about Eva, we didn’t really like her, y’know. She told us that you needed space, and that we should leave you alone. Just now realizing how rubbish it sounds.”
“Took you long enough.”
He chuckles again, much more genuine like you prefer and pushes himself off the wall. “I better get some sleep,” he glances at Fred, “leave you two alone. And ____, please don’t distance yourself.”
“I won’t.”
Your lie slips so easily.
It’s the welcoming silence that accepts your doubts with open arms - everything was happening overwhelmingly quick, or was it just your fear of being left alone again?
You smile at George when he retires to his room, it’s more of a constipated grimace but George seems to have bought it.
You take this time to finally think, let your protective walls analyse what the fuck happaned in the last five hours because it was too good to be true. Fred couldn’t simply love you that easily, after everything he did. It didn’t explain why he started dating Eva without consulting you first, or how he was with her that night after the Yule Ball. If he loved you this much, why would he bury himself between her legs, abandon you in the hollow halls of Hogwarts? Why would he believe her so easily?
“____.”
Even his voice sounds distant. You can’t tell if it’s him speaking or your past.
“____, darling.”
Nope, that’s definitely Fred. His frustratingly sexy cologne is mocking you like every other amazing aspect this man has.
“Huh?” you snap out of your thoughts. “Oh, yes hello.”
Fred tilts his head to the side, expression softening the moment you speak. “You okay? Something on your mind?”
You tentatively shake your head. Fred sighs and reaches out to stroke your head - you close your eyes but the feeling of his calloused hands never show.
Eyes fluttering open, you realize your fears are coming true. He’s going to tell you that he changed his mind, that he doesn't love you and this is all a big mistake.
“Sorry,” he breathes, cheeks alight. You hold in your breath, ready to face the truth.
Fred’s silent; he’s doing that thing again. The thing where he somehow magically thinks he can communicate with you without saying anything.
“Fred,” you sigh, and his face drops. “Why did you date Eva if you loved me so much?”
There, you asked it. Because if you hadn’t, it would haunt you for the rest of your days, crawl around your heart like an infectious disease. You have enough of those, you don’t want another.
Fred breathing sputters, he looks at you like you know the answer. “Because…it was the closest thing to you I could have. I know it sounds awful-“
“Yes it does, and stupid!”
“I know!” he exclaims. “I didn’t know how to cope, she gave me the affection I longed to get from you.”
Your eyes start to swell, the sentence should make you remotely happy but it doesn’t. “Why did you stay with her for so long?”
“Look.” Fred cups your face, breathing heavily. “Yes, at first it was because I was petty. I thought you were with someone else that bloody night, I was heartbroken and needed a distraction. She was the closest thing.”
“That doesn’t explain the rest-“
“Let me finish!” He sounds earnest, adamant on wiping all your doubts and replacing them with nothing but his love. If only it was that easy.
“I can’t do this tonight Fred-“
“Please just call me Freddie.” he whimpers, kissing your cheek harshly. He stands there, face close to yours like if he let go you would leave.
I“I’m tired, I have a headache and my feet hurt.” you’re crying, again. Nothing out of the ordinary considering you’ve been doing it damn well for the last eight years.
“Stay over the night, it’s late. I’ll make you some chamomile, you always loved chamomile. Please.” Fred begs, lips against your cheek and you can feel the wetness of his own tears. His forehead presses against your temple. “Don’t leave me again.”
Your heart aches, it’s the most painful kind of hurt you’ve been dreading to feel again after all these years. This was worse than the neglect of your parents, the pain that night in the Burrow caused, watching Fred introduce Eva to his mother. This was why you’ve been avoiding him.
Because this time you know what to do, you know what’s for the best and it takes all of the protection you’ve built for yourself to push Fred off. Now, there’s none. Now, you’re standing before him, vulnerable and all your emotions on display.
“Goodnight Fred, merry christmas.”
This time, the door you walk out of feels much smaller and suffocating.
————
It’s ironic how the weather matches your mood for six days.
Saturday; clear skies with a blizzard hidden beneath the clouds. Aleyna’s engagement celebration. Show up with puffy eyes enough to make you blind, sit through nice dinner without crying, eventually start crying when she shows you the ring, act like you’re crying because you’re happy, get snot all over Aleyna’s ring, walk home while the storm finally presents itself and tells you that you’re a miserable piece of shit.
Sunday; small flurry. Spend your day weeping quietly and eating leftover takeout while browsing through your tv cable. Eventually watch a romantic movie, weep more.
Monday; cloudy, soft breeze. Cry more, hug your slightly overweight cat and get dragged outside by Aleyna because she figures out that you didn’t sob in front of an entire restaurant because your best friend was getting married. Sit at her bar, drink beer and stuff your face with cornish pasties while you tell her what happened, until you eventually pass out.
Tuesday; cloudy and dark. Spend your day thinking if you’ll ever be loved again. Regretful, pained, hungover and miserably under caffeinated.
Wednesday; crazy fucking blizzard that catches you so off guard you forget you ruined you chances with Fred Weasley for a moment. Aleyna tells you how stupid you are, you realize how stupid you are, then find out Aleyna is more of a snake than she lets on because she lets you eat a whole pack of doughnuts and that amazing Shepherd’s Pie her mom makes.
Thursday; clear skies. Not a cloud in sight. Your head is unusually clear, maybe too clear because you forget to feed Jambo and take out the trash. You think about running back to the joke shop, tell Fred you love him and that you don’t give a shit about the past anymore. But you don’t.
And now it’s Friday. You’re sitting on your bed, Aleyna in your closet, flinging clothes at you for you to try on because she insists you go out. It’s been a week since you walked out on Fred, again, and perhaps made the biggest mistake of your life.
“Stop wasting away your pathetic life here and do it outside!” she yells, voice getting closer when she comes into view.
“Aleyna, I’m really not in the mood.” you dismiss, laying back on your bed. “I just, should I go to him?”
Aleyna groans, pained. “Merlin forbid, this is the millionth time you ask me. I tell you yes, you don’t do it.”
“What if he says it’s too late, and it is! I don’t deserve-“
“Shut up. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. What matters is that you need to at least try.”
You need to at least try. Aleyna’s voice echoes around your head after she leaves and you're back to your routine. Get up, brush your hair because the tangles bother you more than you let on, (and sometimes your teeth, if you feel like it.) then stay in your pyjamas all day while lazing around your apartment. You’ve started making coffee for yourself again, which is a small step but still encouraging. Plopping down on your couch, you sigh. Jambo follows, leaving fur floating around the air in his wake.
Love To Love You Baby by Donna Summers plays softly in the background, your magic radio is mocking you yet again on how single and sad you are. Especially after how long it has been since you’ve had sex. It’s painful, but you can’t help but think of Fred whenever you try to at least relieve some stress. Of course, this ends with you curled in a corner and crying, it’s frustrating how much he turns you on, and now knowing you can never have him-
Jambo’s loud meow reminds you that you haven’t brushed him today and you slowly get up, striding to the kitchen. You try to relax your mind but your chest feels even tighter with your effort. Your house is an organized mess, you didn’t bother cleaning up throughout the stages of your grief.
You should talk to him. You should go outside, get fresh air, make out a game plan and at least talk to him. Fred’s kind, the funniest, most lovingly stubborn man you’ve ever met. He doesn’t deserve what you’re putting him through. You don’t want to leave things so bittersweet again, you want to keep seeing George, even Fred if time allows.
The pain of your past doesn’t allow you to follow your desires. You hate yourself for it and it’s only a matter of time before you break and go back to your old, quiet self. It’s as if the past got your wrists on lock, holding you back whenever you try to sprint free and love again. You thought Fred would have unlocked the chains and swept you away, but that was before you decided that he shouldn’t.
Gripping the fur comb on your left hand, Jambo watches you walk over to him with big eyes. He looks triumphant, lying on his chubby stomach and readying himself for the brush of his three year life.
Knock Knock
Perhaps this is why Jambo hates Aleyna. You chuckle. “Sorry Bo, give me a minute. She probably forgot her coat again.”
You put down the comb and rush over to the door. Not bothering to check through the peephole, you fling the door open while laughing. “Forgot your condoms or some-“
By the look Fred gives you, you’d think he hits it raw.
“Fred.” you whisper, frozen with your hand gripped on the handle.
He looks haggard, eye bags under his eyes with slightly damp hair sticking out obscenely from the sides. It looks longer, or perhaps it's the way he quickly runs a hand through it and smooths it back. You probably look no different, yet Fred still looks unfairly handsome, eyes dripping with honey and curved bottom lip tucked between his teeth.
Your heart hammers in your chest as you take in his appearance. He’s wearing a simple black pullover with a pea coat messily tucking in the material of his hoodie. You can see the after effects of the snow outside visible on his grey sweatpants, you can’t tell if he came to your house straight after working out for…however long he works out to have thighs like that.
“Can I-“ he gives you a look over and you blush. There’s a hundred different things you want to say, and you merely stay quiet and look at him with hopeful eyes. Coward. “Can I come in?”
You step aside wordlessly. He takes one, big step and he’s inside. Cursing his giant legs, you close the door behind him.
“Wow,” he clears his throat, looking around your apartment. “Nice place.”
“Thank you.”
Fred’s hand twitches when he hears your voice, as if he hadn’t heard it since he was a child. As if he was hearing it for the first time.
As soon as he steps in, his cologne engulfs the air around him - as if he’s marking himself in your house and leaving his delicious after taste. You would tell him he smells amazing but the air between you is too tense to say anything but;
“Fred I-“
“I wanted to-“
Fred breaks out into a smile, and you follow. It looks like a grimace, a hopeful one though. “I wanted to apologize.”
Your heart swells. You know it shouldn’t, because you don’t deserve an apology but the fact that he thought of you makes you feel like you have another chance. Of course you do, the poor man walked over to your house in the middle of a snowstorm. There’s got to be something there, right?
“Fred,-“
“No, let me finish this time.”
You stay silent.
“Been trying to think of the right ruddy words to say this past week but fuck that.” he growls, shrugging off his coat when you offer. “I’m not waiting any bloody longer.”
“I admit that at some point,” he starts, taking a deep breath. “I had feelings for Eva. That’s why I didn’t break up with her. It was well after three months of us dating and I thought I moved on.” you usher him to sit down, quickly following behind. Your legs feel wobbly as he continues.
“That’s why I didn’t break up with her, and I won’t deny that what I had with her was nice, but it wasn’t you. No one ever compared to you ____. I was fine until you decided to stop being our friend.”
“I didn’t decide that, It was something I had to do.” you defend fiercely, sitting next to him on the bar stool of your kitchen island. Damn rich apartments.
“I know that now, but at that time I thought you hated me. I clung onto Eva because I thought - seeing as she was your childhood friend - we’d be friends again.”
You scoff. “Look how that turned out.”
Fred raises a brow.
“Sorry, continue.”
“I started getting over it until that summer happened. It killed me to see you again, that’s when I realized I could never stop loving you. I blamed myself for everything, for fucking up all my chances even though I-“
You put a hand on his shoulder, “Freddie, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
Fred pauses, squeezes your hand and gives you a wide, hopeful smile that punches you right in the heart. His head dips down to rest on your shoulder and he sighs. “You called me Freddie.”
“I did.” you smile.
“I wanted to talk to you, but you kept avoiding me. With the war and everything I just couldn’t, especially after that near death thing.”
“Near what?” You gasp.
Fred chuckles, as if it was no big deal. It makes your chest ache. “I got trapped under a wall, Georgie saved me. Owe him my bloody life. Took me sometime to get over it though, those were the times I needed someone the most.” he takes a deep breath before continuing.
“It was around those times that I found out Eva cheated on me. She was acting dodgy the past few months, and I feel awful for feeling relieved when we broke up.”
“But, that’s not your fault.” you sigh, hand caressing his back gently. He relaxes at your touch and a smile tugs at your lip at this. “You don’t owe Eva a damn thing. It’s okay to feel like that, because I do.”
Fred laughs, a small melodic sound that brings you pride that you pulled it out of him. “Oh, is that how it works now?”
“Yep, I said so.” you give him a toothy grin, and he chuckles, further causing your ruin.
But you can’t let things get too comfortable, not before you’re completely honest with him. Here he is, vulnerable and open, telling you his entire life story and you sure as hell are going to do the same - minus some embarrassing parts.
“Do you,” you clear your throat, awkwardly shuffling on your stool. The seat is uncomfortable and it makes everything all the more frustrating. “Do you want to know what I was thinking before you showed up?”
Fred pauses, gaze lingering over your face attentively. Breath catching, you let him look at you. Directly, fully look at you. He flushes, quickly hidden away by his hand when he nods his head slowly and leans on his palm.
“I was thinking of you.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I was thinking if I should just go to you myself.”
Fred takes a quick breath. Shuddering because of the cold, surely, his tone is soft and barely above a whisper. “Why didn’t you?”
“I was scared you’d reject me. I was going to apologize to you, get on my knees and beg for forgiveness until you gave me a second chance.”
“Oh.”
You let him grasp your chin and turn your face towards his, he lovingly strokes your cheek, long finger somehow reaching easily. “I’m sorry Freddie, I love you.”
“I’ve waited to hear those words for so long.” his chest heaves when he responds.
“Well, how much of a let down is it?” you smile, nuzzling your hand in his palm.
He leans in and presses a kiss to your forehead, then to your cheek. “Let down?” he tells you, as if he heard the most obscene thing. “It’s so much better than I could have imagined, and I’m sorry too. I hate myself for letting you go through so much pain on your own. If I wasn’t such a clueless git I could’ve done this much earlier.”
“Do what?”
Fred kisses you. It’s not urgent, nor wanton, it’s soft and tender that still leaves you breathless. He leans his forehead against yours, and you ruin the kiss by smiling but he couldn’t care less. Opening your mouth, you let him flick your tongues together until it’s a sloppy, needy mess.
He groans, and that’s when you know the kiss progressed much too far to stop now. The needy ache between your legs pushes you to hover yourself over him, and his strong arms grasp you by the waist. His lips aren’t a perfect fit, it makes the kiss all the more pleasurable and it’s until he’s slowly walking towards your bedroom with your legs tucked around his hips that you break away.
“Fred,” you sigh when he sets you down against a wall. “I want you.”
He frowns, “It’s Freddie, how many times-“ he gathers your knee in one hand and pushes his crotch against your center with a grunt. “Do I have to tell you?”
You barely respond, clawing at his back. The curve of his thick cock gradually growing, his thighs encasing around your legs feels too damn good and you don’t know how long until you’re fully at his mercy. Fred roughly rolls his hips, a deep grumble leaving him and the stimulation is enough to make you whine. “Again,” you rock your pervis.
“Oh yeah?” he smirks, humping you harder. “You like this? How much? Let me feel.”
You rut against him desperately, trying to get off on the friction Fred barely decides to provide.
True to his word, Fred kisses you again with a groan, this time sparing you no tenderness and sucking on your bottom lip until it throbs. His hips continue to rut all the while his free hand slithers down your clavicle, down the sides of your waist - he makes sure to spread his palm wide to feel you everywhere - until he teasingly snaps the band of your pyjama bottoms. You yelp, relishing in his moans.
“If you like it so much- well shit.” his eyes flutter shut the moment he feels your slick from your underwear. “My love, you’re so wet that I bet I can taste you through your panties.”
If you weren’t wearing your yellow duck polka dot panties this would have been more sexier, and it takes Fred talking about eating you out to realize - oh my god, you’re wearing your duck panties.
“Fred, don-“
Fred has already pushed your bottoms down, revealing the abomination and further causing your face to feel hotter.
“Oh?” he smirks. “Sexy lingerie, all for me?”
You groan, hiding your face in his shoulder while he laughs at you. You feel his chest bob, and you can’t help but giggle alongside him.
“Now, strip.” he commands, and all the humor in the situation vanishes in an instant.
He lets go of your knee and you easily slip out of your bottoms, then slowly said polka dot panties. He grips your thighs, hoisting you up on his hips again and before you know it, he’s stumbling into your room.
His hand is cupping the back of your head, somehow gone there the moments he walked. You wouldn’t know, it’s hard to concentrate on anything else when the heat of his cock between your thighs feels like that.
Fred deposits you on the messily scattered forest you call your bed, and the smell of linen mixed with his cologne is enough for you to grind your hips on nothing.
Fred tuts, pushing a palm flat on your hip. He trails his hand between your legs and palms your pussy, bare. “Babe, you’re dripping. Since how long?”
You whine, “Since the moment you walked through - ah, my door.”
Fred’s eyes glaze over with nothing but dangerous greed. Dipping his knee on the mattress, he manhandles you into submission. “You think you can just get away with saying shit like that?” he groans, eyes fixating on wherever it lands on your body. It’s like he’s trying to take it all in, overwhelmed yet still wanton.
He shuffles to sit against your headboard and pats his large thigh, you waste no time crawling towards him. He quickly grabs your waist before you can approach him. Pulling you against him with your knees propped between his thighs, he’s face to face with your pussy and drooling.
“Such a sweet, pretty cunt.” he breathes, gently kissing your clit. You cry out, knees buckling but Fred’s large palms are flat on your ass and adamant on keeping you up and against his lips. Your center throbs, this is all you have ever wanted - the both of you have ever wanted and Fred has the audacity to tease.
“I know, I know.” He gently sushes. “I need to,” his head leans on your abdomen, desperate. “Need to get you ready for my cock.”
You barely nod, Fred seems to be in battle with himself. You don’t know which side wins, until he starts to suckle your clit with continuous, obscene kissing noises. You grip his shoulder, body bending in half. It feels so good, too good that you can’t hold straight. “Please - Fred,”
Gasping, your pelvis rocks forward. He keeps you still with his muscles digging in your hips, ass, back - everywhere he’s desperately roaming and memorizing.
His tongue finally darts forward - you knew that goddam tongue would be what did it - you nearly collapse, melting forward. It’s wet and warm and god - almost what you imagine his dick might feel like if it ever prods at your entrance.
He’s licking with bold, textured strokes. Your thighs are quivering, it’s the sudden brush of pleasure that meets your cunt every other second that causes this.
“Shit,” Fred pulls back, one hand holding your thighs wider. His thumb circles around your entrance and you cry out in pleasure. “My balls feel so fucking tight ____. If I keep this up, I might just come before I can put my dick in you.”
“Then - ahh Freddie!”
“Don’t get mouthy with me.” he smirks, sliding a finger inside. “I knew what you were gonna say before you opened that sweet mouth of yours.”
He fucks you like this, wet squelching noise mixing with your pants and moans. Working you open, Fred curls a finger inside and your thighs finally give out. “Merlin, you’re gonna get it,” he gives you a sweet kiss on the stomach. “I’m just as desperate to fuck you. Look,”
You do look, very gladly at that. He adds a second finger the moment your eyes fall on the wet patch of his bottoms. He’s rutting against nothing, all the while scissoring his fingers inside you - and from the look he gives you, you know he’s imagining what it's like to be inside you.
“Fred!” you gasp, rocking faster until your legs start to jerk and twitch. You don’t want to come yet, want to savor the way Fred’s fucking you with nothing but two fingers and it’s better than any sex you’ve had.
Your arousal pools between his fingers, dripping down his bracelet adorned wrist, all the way down to his veiny forearms. It’s a sight for sore eyes, Fred watches in a trance, gaze half lidded. You can see his cock twitch in his pants and he moans, “Fucking hell babe, look at the mess you’ve made.”
His thumb presses against your center with his two other fingers working, and he roughly drags it over to your clit to press. He’s licking again, slurping noises mixing with the pats of his tongue quickly dragging across your pussy.
That does it. Whining, and with quick breaths you hurtle towards such an intense orgasm that you swear you see Santa himself and his jingle fucking bells. It’s sudden and weakening, you barely register. Fred’s there all the while, desperately licking every drop of his hard work until there’s nothing. He groans and moans, like he’s having his thanksgiving now.
He’s not like a starved man, or any other cliche line you can think of. No, it’s like he has made a deal with the devil and is captured by the dark vitality of greed. He can’t stop, and merlin, do you not want him to.
“That was,” you breathe, taking a seat on his thigh when he allows.“That was the best orgasm I’ve had.”
“And that was the most gorgeous sight I have ever seen.” Fred smiles, it slowly turns into a smirk. The cocky bastard is way too proud of himself. He should be though, it’s been a while since you’ve had sex - if it always felt like this you would have never stopped.
But you know it never feels this good. No, it’s because of Fred. It’s him, and how much you love him, and how attractive he is - how skilled, amazing, passionate of a man he is. He’s perfect and way out of your league but you don’t care because he’s finally yours.
Said man is breaking out in a sappy grin, kissing your lips sweetly to whisper against them. “Get used to it.” He kisses you again. “I’m going to make you come again, and again, and again until you can’t walk.” he’s lowering you down onto your back, hands caressing your thighs.
“Really?”
“Especially now that I know how sweet and tight you are,“ Fred runs a finger through your pussy and you whimper. “How amazing you smell,” he dips down to lazily suck a hickey on your collarbone. “How soft your skin is,” his hands are lifting your waist up to unhook your bra. “How much I’m in love with you.”
Your gaze softens, and you let him undress you, bra after shirt until you’re left bare beneath. He shivers, his eyes are darting everywhere, to the curve of your hips, up your stomach - and finally, the slope of your breasts. He sucks in a breath. “You,” he rasps. “You had this bikini, that summer.”
“Wha- which one?”
“The white one.”
Your eyes widen. “Oh.”
“We all loved that bikini, especially the days when the lake was particularly cold. Your nipples would be crystal fucking clear.”
You should feel embarrassed, fuck you really should but you knew what you were doing when you bought that bikini. That doesn’t stop you from acting clueless though, “Fred you big oa - oh!”
Fred dips to suck on your nipples, mouth wide open and hungry. “From that day onward, I fucking knew your tits were amazing.” he groans, gazing at them for a moment. “ Shit, was I right.”
You feel his clothed cock rub against you as he speaks - and it finally becomes a problem.
“A-ah, Fred. Clothes,” you barely gesture, though Fred understands you quickly. Sitting back on his heels, he swiftly removes his hoodie overhead.
Of course he isn’t wearing anything underneath.
Of course he has abs.
You curse under your breath - Fred’s chest is well defined, as you expected it to be. Well toned pecs, pert nipples hard and on display, golden skin stretching over his abdomen and six pairs of muscles you’d like to mark. He’s lean yet buff, corded well with muscle and now you know where those enthusiastic years of Quidditch have gone into
You reach for his arm, Fred quickly obliges and lets you guide his palm flat on your body. You breathe heavily - you love how you're he’s feeling you up like this. His hand lands on your breast, and he gives it a rough squeeze before rolling off the bed to get out of his bottoms.
“Are you trying to kill me, doing that? Huh?” he rasps, stumbling slightly. He swings his socks somewhere and gets back on the bed. “Is that what you want?”
When you don’t respond, he chuckles. Slowly, he pushes down his boxer briefs. It’s teasing, this motion. But then again, everything about Fred Weasley is.
His cock slaps against his abdomen - that’s how big it is. You feel yourself salivate, pupils expanding at the thought of such a thick, attractive cock inside you. You almost jump forward and sit on it but when you see the angry red color of his cock, the twitching of his head and the pre-cum that drips, it becomes clear how much he has been holding back.
Fred grips his cock and the head gushes slightly, you feel your cunt flutter. “Come here.”
You let him grip your body and settle you on his lap, entrance inches away from the head of his cock. You’re making eye contact, it’s almost intimidating how intense his gaze is. On your heat, breasts and fucked out face. “Merlin, I’ve been dreaming about this for fucking years. Let me,” he breathes. “I should just take a picture and stare at it all day.”
“Why take a picture when you have the real thing.” you smirk slightly.
Fred groans, “Ohh, you’re such a good girl.”
You smile, “Freddie, please get a condom. Flattery won’t get you that far.”
“Damn it.” he smiles jokingly, reaching for your night stand.
“Wait, shit.” you get off his lap and down your bed, legs wobbling a bit as you stride towards your dresser with hurried steps. Fred whines when you leave but you pay him no mind. “Been a while, here.”
Grabbing the pack, you stumble back on the bed and sit on your knees.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” Fred nods his head. “Put it on, baby.”
You rip the packet open and slowly roll it on him, his cock is already wet and glistening enough for it to be quick. Your center pulses with want as you do this.
Fred pushes you down and crawls on top, centering his cock with your entrance. “No more,” he grunts. “Gotta have you now.”
Gasping, you feel him rub against you. He continues to tease, until the tip of his cock finally pushes past.
You cry out and glance down at where his cock bulges, it’s a type of pain you’d love to feel everyday. “A-ah Fred!”
“I know baby,” he whines, pushing further in with a quick thrust. He strokes slowly to work you open. You cry out, arousal gushing out.
“Such a sweet pussy, taking all my cock so well.” he kisses your jaw, feathering his lips around your throat and lazily sucking. “Feel so good.”
It’s true, it feels so fucking good that you can’t hold in your moans anymore. Not that you were trying to, but the desire to chant his name becomes reality when he rolls his hips against your center. He’s so close to bottoming out and the woozy cloud floating in your head grows. “Oh my god, don’t want you to stop.”
The stretch feels so good that you can’t help but clench around him, pain jerking your hips up.
Fred's balls deep in, his chest heaves and his eyes squeeze shut for a moment. He pauses, letting the two of you adjust to the euphoric feeling of his cock inside. ”Why the fuck would I wan’t to stop?” Your insides are throbbing, and you find yourself arching your back every time he gives you a sweet kiss on your chest. “Why would I ever stop. Shit, baby, I love you.”
“I love you too - oh!”
Fred withdraws, then slams into you with such vigour that you scream. Another shameful flow of your juices gush out as pleasure rips through you. He continues this, another harsh thrust into your cunt that makes you arch in pleasure. “Freddie!”
“Just like that.” he grunts, rolling his hips. “Love when you call me that.”
His hand hooks your leg around his waist, and he speeds up his motion, soothing the needy ache you feel.
lt’s dizzying, how good he can make you feel. Like you’re the center of the universe and all that matters is Fred fucking you open with sweet, yet untetheredly rough thrusts. It’s scary how lost you can get in him, and it becomes haunted when he captures your lips in a kiss and lifts your leg up on his shoulder.
“You’re so tight, oh fucking hell. Look at you, my goodness you’re absolutely perfect.” he murmurs against your lips, muting your moans.
“Fred! Oh god - ah!”
Your cries egg him on, he’s ruthless with the way his fingers dig in your ass to slam into you faster. The angle, his thick cock, how he’s biting down on your lower lip, you can barely take in. You feel helplessly at his mercy, and soon he’s fucking you too hard to keep kissing. “Easy, baby,” he coos when you squirm underneath him. “I’ve got you - my sweet little flower. Feel good?”
The question itself is clearly hysterical, your pleasure is etched on to your face and your thighs quiver underneath him. His mouth hangs open, eyes droopy, yet he still wears that infuriatingly attractive smirk. “Yes! Feel so good - ah you cocky bastar - umpfh!”
He drapes your other leg over his shoulder, your breasts bounce as his thrust turns more languid. Your back arches, mouth hanging open. “Oh my god - Fred!”
It feels so fucking good like this, so deep and good and - fuck, everything else other than him becomes a distant memory.
“Ahh - shit baby. Doing so good,” he grunts, his moans turn more high pitched when you meet his thrusts halfways. “Drown me baby, my flower takes me so well,”
Fred’s hand curls around the mattress as his other grips your thigh. He slams into you, stretching you out so good that your orgasm builds rapidly within. With your legs draped over his shoulder, he bends forward further until he’s sucking in your chest and leaving red marks. “OH - Freddie,” you whine, clawing at his back.
“That’s it my love,” he croons, head thrown back yet still adamant on watching you. His hands tangle in your hair, carding through and gripping them hard. “Come on my cock - make a mess of your sheets. Doing so well for me, wanna feel you clench around me.”
His face contorts in pleasure when your cunt does clench, hair draping over his eyes to cover his glazed, blown out pupils. Fred reaches between your legs to sweetly thumb your clit, squeezing it between two fingers and it’s the final straw until you break.
You arch in pleasure, shuddering violently underneath him. Fred’s letting you ride it out, finally gasping and his hands clench around your thigh and the mattress. Your hand finds his, interlacing your fingers together as you messily grind your hips and finally come down. Ropes of hot cum fill the condom around your sensitive walls. You tighten, aching a little from the warmth that you can’t feel directly from the plastic barrier.
Fred collapses on top with panting breaths. His head rests in the crook of your neck, arms wrapped tightly around your waist.
“Well shit.”
“Yeah.” you chuckle breathily. The post orgasm clarity makes you realize; fuck, I love this man way more than I let on. You suddenly feel the need to show him, and yet you settle for tenderly brushing his hair back when he lifts his head.
Fred smiles, grin lazy and sappy. After pecking your lips, he slowly pulls out. You whine from the sudden coldness when he rolls out of your arms, then he grins at your noise of distress.
“Hold on love, be right back.” Fred pulls off his condom, ties the top and tosses it to the trash before collapsing next to you - way more dramatically. His arm drapes over you, pulling you to his chest and pressing a kiss on your forehead. “I love you.”
You sigh, content. “Love you too,” you smirk. “Would love you more if you cleaned me up.”
Fred’s eyes flash dangerously. “Oh?”
“Not like that you idiot!” you smile, gently slapping his chest. “Swish your wand or something, I don’t wanna get up.”
“Hm,” he taps his chin. “Give me a tour of your apartment and I’ll think about it.”
You sigh, propping yourself on your arms. Fred whines and tries to pull you back in but you don’t relent. “Alright alright.”
Rolling off the bed, you rush to the bathroom, ignoring the pulsing soreness in your core. “Wha - come back! What about my tour?” Fred yells after you.
You laugh at his eagerness. “You’re not getting it!”
After cleaning yourself up, you practically hurl yourself in his arms. Fred catches you with something between a grunt and a chuckle, leaning against the headboard and letting you rest your head on his chest. Your eyes lull around, begging to give into your exhaustion. “Close your eyes, flower,” he whispers sweetly, gently running his hands across your hair and massaging your scalp.
The snowstorm outside has gotten intense, the wind howls against your sealed windows yet the world feels much brighter from this morning. It’s hard to focus on anything besides the way your heart flutters, and the feel of Fred beneath you. Snuggling closer, his fingers gently trace around your shoulders.
“Freddie?” you murmur, cheek pressed against his chest.
He hums in response.
“You’re staying over, right?”
Fred peers down at you, his brows are etched together and the concern on his face nearly makes you sob. “Do…do you not want me to?” he answers shakily.
You let out a breath. “Of course I want you to!”
“Good.” he smiles, letting out a bigger breath than you. For a moment, you think you broke the man. “Because you’re not getting rid of me anytime soon.”
#fred weasley x y/n#fred weasley angst#fred weasley smut#fred weasley imagine#fred weasley x reader#harry potter fic#fred weasley fluff#fred weasley#fred wealsey fic#hp smut#fluff#angst#hp angst#reader insert#george weasley#ginny weasley#hermione granger#harry potter
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10 Years Of Songbird: Brittana Fan Project
Hello my fellow Brittana lovers!
First of all, happy 10 years to the iconic Glee episode that is Rumours and the beautifully moving performance that is Songbird. Such a pivotal part in Brittana's story, and one that will forever be ingrained in my mind. Naya's voice still gives me goosebumps and reduces me to tears on that performance, paired with Heather's genuine tearful reaction.
Second of all, this is up slightly later than planned so apologies for that, but Tumblr glitched on me big time and I had to repost this all again which considering I had a draft built up for days, was rather inconvenient, but we’re here now and hopefully it was worth the wait!
Putting this project together has brought me so much joy in revisiting my favourite ship. I don't think I will ever tire of reading about them, and hearing from others why they love them so much and how this ship resonated with them.
For me, Brittany and Santana were the first positive representation I saw of a WLW relationship. I was shook to the core watching their story unfold, in how much it mirrored what was going on in my own life with my own denial and with my own relationship. I found myself clinging to that storyline like an anchor, as if it was going to give me the answers to my own story. Throughout all the confusion I had in my own coming out and realisation that I was a lesbian, the storyline gave me hope that one day, everything would be okay. Watching them go from confused and conflicted best friends to wives gave me so much hope for the future, and now as a 27 year old out and proud gay woman, I still look at this storyline with the same love-filled eyes.
Even as Glee ended and I stepped away from the fandom, Brittana have always been a huge part of my life, always there in the background, always my comfort storyline to turn to and rewatch a bunch of times. But losing Naya last year really brought me back to the fandom and the community and reminded me why I loved them so much.
I think what I love most of all about this ship is how organic it was. It came from the fans, and from Naya and Heather encouraging the writers to take it seriously. Because of this, I also wanted to add in some little touches of Heya, and include quotes from Naya and Heather talking about their fave scenes.
I'll forever be indebted to this storyline in what felt like a really hard and confusing time in my teenage years.
So thank you Naya
Thank you Heather.
& thank you so much to all of you for taking part.
Also a huge shoutout once again to @hopefulobjectmiracle for letting me use her idea and for providing help along the way. She came up with the concept for this project with Klaine, and I wanted to create a Brittana version, but I'd strongly recommend checking out her Klaine one if you haven't already.
I hope you enjoy reading it, as much as I enjoyed putting it together :)
Brittany & Santana Talk To Holly Holliday About Their Feelings- 2x15, “Sexy”
Choosing a favorite scene is hard so I'll choose one of my favorite lines: in the episode Sexy when Santana and Brittany first talk to Holly about their sexuality, Britt says "I don't know how I feel because Santana refuses to talk about it".
I love this line because most people would play it off as Brittany being a simpleton, but that's not the case. Brittany is saying she doesn't know if she's allowed to like Santana as more than her best friend. She doesn't know if it's right. Because if Santana isn't in to girls then Brittany could be crossing a line, a line where she could possibly be making Santana uncomfortable. Brittany obviously knows how she feels about Santana but she wants to make sure Santana feels for her in the same way before admitting to it, as not to ruin what they already have.
-@neversatisfiedwithlife
Landslide- 2x15, “Sexy”
It was incredibly difficult for me to choose my favorite Brittana scene. There are so many that I love and find important to me...some of these moments were even literally life-altering. Before Brittana, for example, I didn't know that girls could be gay, and I had no idea that what I felt for some of my female friends was anything other than platonic. I'm sure I would have realized I was queer eventually, but this ship and the fandom that I found myself in made the process so much easier for me. But I digress :)
I eventually narrowed it down to four choices—Landslide, Songbird, the Heart Locker Scene in New York, and Cherish/Cherish in Heart, and out of these I've decided to single out Landslide as my numero uno, as it was this very scene that started my decade-long love affair with this ship :)
There are so many things that I love about this scene. Earlier in the show we see Brittany attempt to talk about their relationship knowing that they were more than just best-friends-with-benefits, but Santana would instantly close herself off. Still, Brittany pressed on, determined to understand what they had become, while Santana began to realize that what they had—what they could become—was worth letting herself be vulnerable, worth the risk of getting herself hurt. The fact that Landslide was the product of this early struggle gives it so much meaning ;u;
The scene itself has all these details that make my heart ache in the best way possible...the way they look at each other throughout the song, Santana's eyes a myriad of emotions, full of sadness, confusion, conflict, longing, Britt's eyes filled with concern knowing how much it's taking her best friend to be so vulnerable, then the pride that shines through when she looks at Santana after the performance; the way that Santana's voice breaks singing "and I'm getting older, too"; when she stands afterwards and goes over to Brittany, and Britt opens her arms to hold Santana instantly like it's a reflex; the way that they fit against each other so perfectly, like they were made to be in each other's arms...even the visual composition of the scene was perfect ToT That instant of them hugging each other is a study in contrasts with the way Britt's flaxen hair shines against Santana's night-dark head, and with the way Santana's soft white blouse contrasts against Brittany's deep blue denim top ;u; It's gorgeous.
-@randomcanbian
My fav Brittana scene is when they sing landslide together, because it was one of the first times we got to Santana be so vulnerable
-@snowpickles
What is a landslide? Simply put, it’s defined as a collapse of a mass of earth or rock from a mountain or cliff. That’s the perfect way to describe the rocky relationship between Santana and Brittany in S2, and it‘s exactly why their performance of the infamous Fleetwood Mac song of the same name (Sexy; 2x15) is such a pivotal moment in time in for them.
Santana showed a side of herself to her friends, but most importantly to Brittany, that many would deem her incapable of ever doing. For that moment she allowed that brick wall she always had built up around her for protection to come slowly crumbling down. And the best part? She allowed that — wanted that — to happen. She needed to bare her soul to the person she loved most, but she wasn‘t sure how or when, or if she ever could.
Seeing Santana put her heart on her sleeve and confess her feelings of love and admiration for Brittany through song — finally — is one of the highlights of the entire series for me. We see her trap herself within a new world for a few minutes, one that contains only the two of them through her eyes, and let her emotions do the talking. Brittany understood everything without a single word being spoken to her. Santana hadn’t opened up to anyone at this point about how she felt, not even to herself, but so much was understood between them without saying nothing at all. My favorite spoken line is Brittany‘s, „Is that really how you feel?“
As a viewer, it was such an infamous moment because we now get to cheer for them. We see that they are on the same page with one another, that through it all, their attraction and desire for one another never wavered. They wouldn’t be a a couple for quite a bit more time, but they both now understood what we as viewers saw all along. Santana stopped denying her sexuality; she stopped denying what Brittany meant to herself. She still had a lot to sort out and wasn’t ready to free herself from the constraints of her sexuality, but she made the biggest move: allowing Brittany on the other side of that wall with her.
This performance let to the scene we grew to love known as the Hurt Locker, which is the scene that made the Brittana fandom sing praise to the high heavens. Santana felt like she could finally confess her feelings to Brittany. She was terrified, but she somehow found the courage within herself to stop closing the door on opportunities. So, I‘m thankful for Holly Holiday for being the person that Santana and Brittany felt comfortable enough to go to, and I‘m thankful for her willingness to perform with them, because it gave us much more than a song — it gave us hope. It gave us validation. It gave us Brittana.
-@TheWednesdayProject on Reddit
Hurt Locker-2x15, “Sexy”
"A lot of people have said that scene gave them courage to come out to their parents and their friends and their loved ones, so I think that it's something that's very important, and I hope that we handled it responsibly which I think that we did"- Naya (PaleyFest 2012)
Hurt Locker is my fave scene - just Santana finally coming to feel and admit the truth within. I've probably watched it a thousand times and I'll never get sick of it. The expressions and unspoken acting Naya and Heather put into it give me all the feels!
-@chasingseals
Okay so my favorite Brittana scene is probably the scene where Santana express her feelings for Brittany during “sexy” and says she’s afraid to be with Brittany because of the talks and the way people are gonna stare and that she wasn’t even afraid to what people would say to her face but to what people would say behind her back.
And that’s because I feel the same way. I’m not a lesbian, I’m bisexual, but at the moment I have a girlfriend and I am so afraid to come out to even the rest of my family (apart from my parents and sister) because I always hear them talking about these girls with names such as “dyke” or something, and it was good to see on tv someone with the same fears and it is so good to see that they had a happy ending and got married and that all this started when they decided “not to care” about everybody else’s opinions and be themselves and be happy.
-@wankybjtch
It’s so, so strange to do this without Naya, but here we are, and she and Heather made this all so beautiful. When I tried to answer this question about my favorite scene, I went first to Songbird - Naya has one of my favorite voices in this whole world - and then to Landslide, and then to Me Against the Music, and all those answers seemed really good. Brittany and Santana spoke to each other so much through music - voices and words and touch - and Heather and Naya gave themselves to their characters so much - and Naya to song so much, and Heather to dance - that they would disappear into Brittana, and would just seem like they were love, made visible. Brittana is love always seems like such a true thing to say, to me. But while what occurred to me first were three songs, I realized that my favorite scene - the one that hit me the hardest - will probably always be the Hurt Locker.
Naya was just so shining there, Santana so full of love and this terrible ache and this more terrible hope, all for Brittany, that you could see Heather glowing back, though so much more quietly. It was an absolutely tremendous thing to see a full-on love scene playing out in the middle of a crowded hallway. Naya and Heather were so beautiful together, as friends and as actresses and as onscreen lovers, and after seeing that scene for the first time, I cried every day for a week, always at these quiet, unexpected times. The love and the hurt and the fear and the hope were so raw in Santana - both in Naya’s performance and in the beautiful script - that it brought everything back about the confusion of starting out with that Oh, god. I am never, never going to be like everyone else. I love her way, way too much. But somehow, the scene made my whole world feel safer. I could see myself, and others could see me. There we were on the screen, worthy and beautiful. <3 Tess
-@venuscomb
Songbird- 2x19, “Rumours”
"I really enjoyed watching Naya sing Songbird. That's ingrained in my head, that time where I sat in the choir room and listened to her sing Songbird, because her voice is just of another world. It's always been my favorite. I will never forget that."- Heather (Entertainment Weekly 2021)
My favorite moment is Santana singing Songbird to Brittany because that is an all time classic romantic song, and Santana (Naya) sings it beautifully, and Brittany just sits there mesmerized. Plus I love what they are wearing, and how they look. i think it's signifcant that Santana sang her love for her here in the choir room, and it's where they had many of their big moments - first together, the break-up song, the flowers in 5, the proposal.
-@1908jmd
My fav scene is 100% Songbird. It’s always been my favourite song and to see it applied to a wlw relationship changed my life a lot because it made me realise that it could be me one day. Santana was always my favourite character too, so to see someone that i appreciated a lot come to terms with their sexuality made me really happy
-@illegally-luthor
My first fav scene out of two is Songbird of course because seeing Santana pouring her heart out to Britt is just the most beautiful thing ever. She was scared to accept who she really was and when it comes to her love for Brittany she’s not scared anymore because loving her is the easiest thing to do. Plus, seeing how Britt reacted was so beautiful. She knew Santana was scared and she was proud of how she confessed her love, through a song, because she knew Santana wasn’t good with words.
-@chloesnix2b
Heart Locker- 2x22, “New York”
My favorite Brittana scene is after Nationals in 2x22 by the lockers.
What I love most about this scene is Brittanys tell it how it is attitude. When Santana said that it clearly wasn’t about winning for her, Brittany looked right through her bullshit, knowing that Santana was getting defensive, because Santana knew what this year was really about for Brittany (and herself too of course), she just didn’t want to admit to it.
You can clearly see that Santana is still scared and hiding and that she still feels like she’s is going to lose Brittany any moment. But Brittany reassures her, tells her how much she loves Santana and makes her feel safe.
My favorite Brittany is always when she’s finally allowed to have feelings and say something. Often the writers didn’t give her anything to do or just made her a caricature of a person. But when she was allowed to express herself, it was in her truest, most vulnerable form. Due to writing, Brittana often seemed one sided, but it’s moments like these that show us how much Brittany loves Santana and how much she wants only the best for her.
For me, the scene felt like the real beginning. They have been taking baby steps before, treading the water. But now Brittany dove right in and her boldness made Santana follow her :)
"What about you and I?", "I love you Santana, I love you more than I‘ve ever loved anyone else in this world. All I know about you and I is that, because of that, I think anything is possible."
-@bolintheturtleduck
I absolutely love every scene that they’re in together, but my favorite is the one where Brittany and Santana are standing outside of the lockers, talking about the glee club. i feel like it showed a lot about Santana’s character at the time and it really inspired me.
-@hoodiestring
Officially Dating - 3x04, “Pot O' Gold”
Their first official date at Breadstix!
Santana and Brittany sitting in the warm lighting of their favourite restaurant in the almost comfortable awkwardness of their tender baby relationship melted something in my baby lesbian heart.
They're teenaged best friends who fell in love and this scene is just so fluffy and cozy and perfectly reflects their dynamic - they're so obviously head over heels for each other and everything about their relationship feels new and electric and full of possibility, but they've also been love each other forever. Santana's eyes lighting up at Britt holding her hand and Britt being so purely herself and everything about the scene just screams home to me and is the moment the show really became about them to me.
-@grassberry639
One of my favorite scenes is the Breadstix scene with the holding hand under a napkin because I could completely relate to it when I was dating girls that was still not yet 100% ready to come out.
-@charisadrastea
Rumour Has It/Someone Like You- 3x06, “Mash Off”
My other favorite is the Rumour Has It/Someone Like You scene because the performance was so beautiful and haunting.
-@charisadrastea
For me, it was the Adele Mashup (specifically the longing looks exchanged during it). I watched that scene over and over again when I was a kid because I felt like it did a great job of truly encapsulating what it's like to have feelings that you desperately want to pursue but can't do to your surroundings. The whole thing really stuck with me.
Naya's performance felt so genuine and, throughout that entire song, you could really feel what Santana was going through as a closeted lesbian who was terrified of losing everything. And the fact that Brittany was so close during the whole performance and, yet, instead of her singing one of the lead parts with her, they just exchange looks. I just thought it did a great job of expressing a trapped feeling.
-@aaverageperson
The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face- 3x10, “Yes/No”
My favourite Brittana scene would be the small flashback when the girls are singing The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.
Santana sees Brittany’s face for the first time and she melts.
Their smiles are so soft and I love the instant connection they both have.
-@mostlygleethoughts
My favourite Brittana moment happens when Santana is singing, The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face. She sings the line, “I felt your heart so close to mine,” while a flashback of her and Brittany in the locker room plays. I get teary-eyed whenever I watch this scene. The love between them is so beautiful, and it’s so refreshing to see genuine sapphic love portrayed on screen.
-@sapphicbrittana
Cherish/Cherish- 3x13, “Heart”
It took me so long to decide on what my favorite Brittana scene is but i ultimately decided on the scene at the end of Heart. It’s just such a sweet moment for them. They are openly going on a date and even kiss in front of other people without caring about what anyone might say. They have come so far from the beginning of their relationship and it is just lovely to see them be so happy with each other.
-@sugarcarnation
Ok so my second favorite scene is in 3x13 when Santana asked the god squad to sing a song for Britt. So the scene at Breadstick at the end and the kiss they shared after Cherish/Cherish is just beautiful. Seeing Santana being so proud to call Brittany her girlfriend and singing her song for her is everything to me. Also Britt’s reaction was too cute. The love in her eyes when Joe told them the god squad was going to perform for her is the cutest thing ever. The kiss they shared at the end of the song was so passionate and it gives me butterflies every time I see the scene. It was also the first Brittana kiss we saw onscreen.
-@chloesnix2b
I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)- 3x17, “Dance With Somebody”
"Watching Heather dance is fun in this number, I never get tired of watching her dance."- Naya (BTS Dance With Somebody)
"They put us in twinzies outfits. We've been singing to each other like crazies"- Heather (BTS Dance With Somebody)
My favourite Brittana scene would have to be dance with somebody (the song). I love how happy they both are and how much fun they’re having together!!! The context is romantic, but they’re also having fun as best friends, which is the root of their relationship. I just think it’s really sweet and I’m a sucker for happy pretty ladies dancing around and making each other ridiculously happy. That’s all!!!
-@kurtanaaa
Tongue Tied- 3x21, “Nationals”
Q: What’s your favourite Brittana moment?
A: The slow motion celebration smooch when we won Nationals
-Naya (Twitter Q&A 2012)
Mine- 4x04, “The Break Up”
It might seem strange, to choose a breakup scene for a couple's best. It's a scene that broke thousands of hearts and continues to make us cry, even after having seen the whole journey unfold and even after knowing that Brittana will, in the end, be okay. But to me, it's a scene that encapsulates much of what I love about these two and what they mean to each other. "Sophomore year, I used to sit in this back row and secretly watch you. I counted the number of times you'd smile at me, and I'd die on days that you didn't." Half the reason why I chose this scene is this quote. The sheer power of it still shakes me whenever I hear Santana utter these words. The sincerity behind them makes me stop and truly consider what it is she’s saying. It’s a summary of their journey so far. It’s a moment of incredible vulnerability, the confession of a girl who fell in love with her best friend and was terrified of the consequences of that love. Not as much as she was terrified of what it would mean to not be loved back, though.
But Brittany loves Santana with the same passion, even if it manifests differently. It’s why she holds on as long as she can and why it’s even harder for Santana to face their issues. Because you see, I understand that many dislike the reasoning behind their breakup and that it only happened here because everyone else was doing it. But there’s something so deeply caring about the way they consciously make the decision not to hurt each other by leaving themselves in this in-between state of long-distance relationships. Something so genuine about the way they say they would never cheat on each other but also something so mature in realizing that they can’t be what the other needs right now. That, to me, displays such a pure form of love. As pure as catching glances and counting smiles in the back row. As pure as words of encouragement and saying to someone: I'm yours.
Even though they were already inseparable in sophomore year, Brittany smiling at Santana during Glee practice is an intimate moment that meant everything to her. And even though it hurts, Santana letting go of Brittany before they can even think of hurting each other is such a deep declaration of love. What makes it bittersweet yet hopeful instead of just being heart-shattering is the way Santana turns the otherwise optimistic and romantic song “Mine” into a sad one, creating one of the show’s most gorgeous solo performances in the process. Because when she sings Brittany is the best thing that’s ever been hers, we all know it was true in sophomore year, it is true now and it will be on the day they exchange vows. Because Santana’s right when she sings they’re gonna make it, even if it takes a while. Even if they are (and we are) crying right now, even if it takes a few more days of dying in the absence of Brittany’s smile lighting up her world. Because even when they’re breaking up, Brittana reaffirm that they’ll always love each other the most.
-@tuiyla
Santana Walks Brittany Out Of The Auditorium One Last Time- 4x22, “All Or Nothing”
“I really liked the moment in the last episode, when we knew that Brittany was going away and it was a really sad vibe and Santana showed up and just took her hand and walked her off, I thought that was sweet.”- Naya (Perez Hilton 2013)
Valerie- 5x12, “100”
My favorite scene by a pretty wide margin is “Valerie” from “100”. It’s got that palpable backstage chemistry that Naya and Heather had that shone through so clearly in season 1, it’s poetically choreographed, and the songs even more lyrically significant than before.
I believe that Santana and Brittany are at their best and most smitten when they’re doing what Naya and Heather love the most: singing and dancing, respectively. This is no exception. Just look at Brittany trying not to smile at the beginning. When the shot is on her after Santana starts to sing, you can see her face change from smiles to grimace as if she had forgotten herself. You can’t tell me Heather didn’t break there for a second.
Every little mannerism throughout the whole sequence is laced with that fun, alarmingly pure energy. It could’ve been just excellent acting, but it felt so real. And why wouldn’t it? Naya had to learn Heather’s dance from “Sectionals”. Watching your best friend pull off some of your most iconic moves and then joining in, that’s gotta be fun.
Yeah, Santana’s dancing the choreography from their sectionals with Mike. Within the capacity of an untrained dancer, of course. She’s trying to get Brittany back into the groove by dancing probably the most involved number that the New Directions have ever done. And one that Brittany probably had the most fun with because she choreographed it with Mike. That’s some good writing. And it works, and it’s cute, but once Brittany joins in, the sequence deviates from the original.
We get this just wonderful moment of Brittany dancing solo centerstage fully embracing her passion. After she gets her moment, she and Santana dance either with each other swing-style or towards each other. You can’t forget about that embrace at the end when Santana sort of dips her. They’re not even back together at this point. Santana doesn’t want to get back together at this point. But I feel like I’m watching them dancing at their wedding 3 hours into the reception.
And I mean what an appropriate song to use given the circumstance. “Valerie” is about missing an ex after coming back to your hometown. When we heard Santana solo it at sectionals, it wasn’t super meaningful. It was an excellent way to show off Santana’s vocals and Brittany and Mike’s choreography somewhat independently. But here? Let’s talk about line distribution.
First verse, Santana sings solo. Notably, Brittany is harmonizing behind her piecemeal. By the chorus, she’s joined with Santana fully. Second verse, she’s soloing, joining the dance and by the end they’re dancing together. They’re singing and dancing about missing each other together.
But the song’s not my favorite part. Not even the dance. Not really. My favorite part is the culmination. Santana and Brittany are participating in each other’s disciplines and passions.
That’s an awesome couple right there. They went from singing and dancing somewhat removed from each other to singing and dancing with each other, and even when they were broken up, they still shared their respective passions with each other effortlessly.
-@leatherzaddy on Reddit
My favorite Brittana scene is Valerie S5. It just feels so significant to me that Santana chose this particular song to get Britt out of her funk. Valerie is special to both of them, it’s the first competition solo Santana ever got and it was the first time we ever got to witness the dance skills of one Brittany S. Pierce.
It was the first time Brittany got to show off how talented she was and how she was so much more than the dumb blonde everyone thought she was. Now, however, no one thinks she’s dumb. Now everyone sees her as just another statistic for MIT.
Santana, however, sees right through that and sees her for who she really is - not dumb, not just a genius, but Brittany, the girl who loves to dance. So Santana picks the same song from the first time Brittany got to show off her dancing to prove to her once again that dancing is what she’s meant to do.
-@hopefulobjectmiracle
Churros Kiss- 5x12, “100”
The infamous churros scene lives in my head rent free. Why? Because we saw a level of confidence in Brittany that we had never seen before and, in that moment, we were all rooting for her for giving us what we knew was right and what we knew we needed. The fans knew Brittana was endgame, Brittany knew, and we just sat back and waited for Santana to realize it as well. (Let’s give her credit: she knew.) We had waited 1.5 seasons for more and we finally got it, mouthful of churros and all.
I love this scene because we see Santana and Brittany a bit older and a lot wiser; Brittany knows that after all the time they had spent apart, Santana is the only one she really wants and she felt like she needed to tell her, to show her, before it was too late. I feel like everything Brittany did in this scene was very spontaneous and on a whim, and it makes it that much hotter.
The kiss. It’s my favorite kiss between the couple by a mile. Brittany put her heart on her sleeve and risked everything and just went in for the kill. You can see the twinkle in her eye right before she leaned in and she didn’t hesitate to show Santana what she wanted. I do appreciate Santana’s hesitancy because of their storyline at the time, but I don’t doubt for a second that she didn’t want Brittany back, too. She was just incredibly cautious, and no doubt, caught by surprise. They had been through so much and had finally found a place in their friendship/relationship where scars were healing and hearts weren’t as broken as before.
You can see in the way Santana looks at her after being kissed, the way in which she listens to her, that the wheels in her head are already turning. We know she knows what Brittany is saying is true. She just has to process what this means for her, for them, for her life back in New York. She’s just putting the scattered puzzle pieces back together, but she knows what the picture already looks like.
The kiss on the cheek? The delicious cherry on top. Brittany, having already been pushed away, one again doubled down on how she felt and so quickly, and respectfully, reminded Santana of that. You can see Santana’s breath hitch during this moment when their faces are so close together, and it’s obvious that her love for Brittany never wavered. As she always was, smitten is her middle name.
Brittana’s entire relationship from S1-S6 can be summed up, for me, with one infamous line spoken by Brittany during the churros scene, “You can’t recreate what you and I have.”
-@TheWednesdayProject on Reddit
The Lilies Scene- 5x13, “New Directions”
I will always remember being a curious and scared teenager. I was almost in high school when Brittana became official and it suckerpunched me. The fear, the anxiety, the angst, the love, all of it was so relatable. Brittana had so many trials and tribulations and they always came out better and stronger both as individuals as a couple. My favorite Brittana scene is the lily scene because it was the beginning of them consciously choosing each other. The growth <3
-@yesandmusicals
My favorite Brittana scene is when Brittany fills the room with lilies for Santana. It really proves that the connection between them is incredibly strong and they understand each other better than anyone else. Their chemistry is off the charts and you can really feel their love for each other through the screen. The way Santana sinks into Brittany like she’s coming home and the way Britt runs her fingers up and down Santana’s arm <3 Everything about it is perfect.
-@santinacedes
I think my favorite Brittana scene is the one in 5x13, where Brittany fills the choir room with lilies for Santana, because that was the biggest time when I could truly feel their love for one another and their support of each other.
-@allweseeisskyforever
The Bedroom Scene- 6x03, “Jagged Little Tapestry”
It's hard to pick one favorite scene because I just love them all. But I'm gonna go with the scene that made me the happiest and that's the bedroom scene before the proposal because it's such an intimate moment between the two of them. They talk about their future together, about how happy they are and of course "I will love you until infinity". I've wanted a scene like that since I started shipping them in season 2. And watching that scene for the first time was one of the happiest moments in my life. And when I'm feeling down I just watch this scene again and everything gets better.
-@brittanaaresoulmates13
Santana proposes to Brittany- 6x03, “Jagged Little Tapestry
My fav Brittana scene is the proposal bc it means so much to both of them. It takes place where they fell in love and there’s so many parts in the song that remind me so much of their past
-@arf128
My favourite Brittana scene is probably Santana proposing to Brittany because the number they do before is fire🔥 and BRITTANA GETS ENGAGED!!
-@pennywarbler
Hallway Scene- 6x06, “What The World Needs Now”
I LOVE THE ‘did I ever tell you that I love you’ MOMENT. The little kiss and the way Santana nudges her head in Brittany’s neck. I love the whole episode, it’s so powerful and as a lesbian I really felt seen and represented.
I love that Santana reminds Brittany of heaven. I love that Brittany loves Santana so unconditionally, that she would do anything to see her happy. Brittany knows that Santana is super happy right now, but she also knows that she really misses her abuela and that she’s sad she’s not coming to the wedding. Britt’s really doing her best for Santana, and that really shows how much she loves her.
I love that we see Santana’s vulnerable side in this episode and I love to see Brittany’s protective side (especially during and after Alfie). Although abuela said she wasn’t coming, I love how the episode ended because it really shows how much Santana has grown and how much love she has in her life right now.
-@sapphosongbird
Brittany Confronts Santana’s Abuela- 6x06, “What The World Needs Now”
After Santana sings “Alfie” to Abuela López as if her life depended on it in hopes that her Abuela would be a part of her life again, we have my favorite Brittana moment. At first, Abuela is confused and shocked to find out that she’s been tricked into seeing Santana sing. Brittany quickly confessed that she did trick her and informed Abuela, but also informed Abuela not only that she is Santana’s fiancée but that she loves her so much that she would do anything for her. Santana is quick to look at Abuela to gauge her reaction. Santana is hoping she has an opportunity to explain and to try to make her see how much she loves and needs Abuela in her life. Santana brings up how much Abuela means to her and how much being raised by this woman has made her a strong woman.
It’s likely that Abulea immigrated from another country. Like many children from immigrant families, they know the sacrifices their family took to her there. Santana likely heard from father (as i think Alma is her paternal grandmother) about the importance of doing good in school (and her education as she values it) and likely heard stories about the many jobs her grandma took. Likely those that are stereotypical like agricultural work, working in restaurants, or working as a cleaning lady. Jobs that were all she could get because of the limits society places on her (Abuela). ( Santana really admires this woman. She lets her know how much in the coming out scene. )
Santana embraces being Latina and holds no apology for being so, and admits that she is bigger and better than the limits society places on her. Santana wants to continue to be bigger and better. She admits that she can’t (or doesn’t want to) do that without Brittany and Abuela. Santana feels she simply exists without them. Perhaps also saying that they give her the strength she needs to be bigger and better. She is oh so hopeful that reminding her of all that will make her Abuela come along.
Unfortunately, it is not enough for Abuela. She reminds Santana that she loves her, but not enough to attend the stop following her beliefs. She adamantly says that girls marry boys and not other girls. It’s a sin in Abuela’s eyes, and she refuses to attend the wedding. What happens next in this scene makes me so proud of Santana. Before this moment, Santana was this scared little girl who hid behind this HBIC persona. In short, Santana struggled to love and accept herself. She dated guys for status. She rejected Brittany for so long and told her she was using her and didn’t love her. She had beards and even wrote a song about a boy. She had confessed to Brittany that she was scared about all the talks and looks she would get from others. She hid her feelings and love for Brittany and pushed her away into another person's arms. While doing so, she was more angry and miserable than she had ever been. She had to witness the girl she loved more than anything be with someone else because she was too scared, and it hurt her. It would take some more time for her to embrace herself fully. Even then, she didn’t have much choice. She was forced into accepting herself because she was outed to everyone in her school, in Lima, and in Ohio (and anyone who stumbled across that campaign ad online). Still, she did eventually get there. It was not easy for her at all, but she got there. She was happy. She surrounded herself with the love of her friends. She grew as a person. She became friendlier, was happier, and she allowed herself to love others (Brittany, Dani). Moving to New York was scary for her, but she did it anyway (with a little shove from Brittany (again, she thinks they helped to make her bigger and better). She helped her friends get a job, auditioned for Broadway, went to auditions, held various jobs, and attended school.
Santana remembered how Abuela taught her to be bigger and better than her school, her city, and her state would ever allow her to be when she was in New York. She was even bigger and better than the limits she had placed on herself, especially when she was in high school. She was determined to make something of herself. Sometimes even doing things that weren’t even her dream.
No matter the years that had passed, Brittany knew that despite Santana saying she was okay and choosing Brittany over everyone, including the woman that meant so much to her, Santana still missed her Abuela. In this scene, unlike the last time when Santana bravely confessed to Abuela about her feelings and was gay by herself, Brittany was there alongside Santana. Brittany quickly stepped in to protect the woman she loved. Despite being upset that things aren’t going as they had hoped, she puts on a brave face and tells Abuela that it is okay if she doesn’t go. With a smile and some spunk, Brittany tells Abuela they don’t want her there. Santana is surprised that Brittany spoke up at first, too.
Brittany, who usually is kind and sweet, had her claws out. She used her genius mind to give statistical facts she’d read about to tell Abuela off. Usually, Santana would know not to speak to Abuela in such a manner. This is likely because Santana knows better. Her Abuela likely taught her to respect her elders or at least always to respect her. When Brittany finishes talking, Abuela expects Santana to apologize and stick up for her, but to Alma’s surprise, Santana doesn’t. Instead, Santana, the girl who was scared to tell her Abuela she was gay because she feared losing her, stood by Brittany, the woman she loved and who had told her Abuela to go on and love herself in a way Santana likely never has and would never dare to.
Santana doesn’t just defend Brittany or stands by her. Santana refers to her relationship with Brittany as love. She uses their love as an example of what love is. Santana, the girl who told Brittany she didn’t love her and that she was nothing more than just sex because Puck was in the slammer, the girl who refused to talk about feelings, and the girl who panicked when Rachel referred to their duet as sapphic romance, told her Abuela that what she and Brittany share is love. She uses the words “real love” to describe their relationship and what they had.
The choice of Santana words is significant. Likely, Abuela empathized the importance of love when it came to family (even if Santana experienced a lot of tough love from Abuela, her dad, and likely other family members like her mom.) all her life. Santana likely had seen a lot of it.
The choice of the word “real” may indicate just how deeply Santana was hurt when Abuela disowned her. We did see her cry in season 3 when Santana came out to her. Still, the choice of words makes me think that Santana felt deceived about family sticking together and loving each other no matter what (something Abuela mentions in this very same episode in the Queso Por Dos segment) because of how quickly things changed when she came out. All it took was a confession and a few seconds for that love to disappear.
It’s possible she viewed what she knew as love before, as fake love, or love that was not unconditional. Santana choosing to use “real love” to describe her relationship with Brittany is Santana saying, “We stick together and love each other unconditionally, unlike you and I or my own blood.”
Santana then says that Brittany is her family. Again, Santana reminds us that she chooses Brittany over anyone. Again, she’s touching on her previous statement that she and Brittany are an example of “real love” or (as Santana believes with all her heart) a family that sticks together and loves each other no matter what. This is a big deal for Santana.
She is coming full circle because, in the early seasons, Brittany didn’t always come first. She often came second or last to status, beards, prom queen, people’s opinions, etc.
Santana, a girl that misses Abuela, the person she wishes would love her again, has reached a point in her life where she loves herself and Brittany so much that she no longer needs her Abuela or her support, love, and approval. Santana knows she has a lot of that already. A lot, a lot.
The next part in this scene is parallel to Abuela and Santana’s previous scene some years prior from season 3 when Santana comes out to her. In season 3, Abuela told Santana to leave her house with no other word after Santana came out. Despite Santana’s pleas, Abuela had had the final say. In this scene, things are different. Instead of faltering and hiding, Santana puts her foot down and stands her ground. She keeps her head high and has the final say (something that I believe Abuela taught her when teaching her how to be bigger and better than what the world was going to give her permission to be), and Abuela had no choice but to walk away without another word.
To finish this scene, Santana leans into Brittany. Brittany comforts her (like I’m sure Brittany did the first time Santana came into Abuela the moment she could (which I believe was as soon as Santana got into her car where Britt was waiting (just in case Abuela wanted to meet her))). Santana knows she can count on Brittany. She is her family now. They stick together and love each other no matter what, even if it means being disappointed when things don’t go as planned.
Had Abuela and Santana never made up, I would have been completely okay with it because this scene shows a lot of growth in Santana.
It makes me feel so proud of Santana. She cared so much about others' approval. She had been so scared of her feelings for Brittany that she let herself be miserable and made others feel that way, too. Santana ended up being bigger and better than the limits she and society places on her. In doing so, she learned to accept and love herself, Brittany, and their family. Proudly so. While she wanted Abuela in her life, she decided to let Abuela go and instead surround herself with her new family, one that had plenty of “true love.” A lot, a lot.
That is freaking beautiful, and I absolutely love it.
(Also, protective Britt is 😍🥰).
-@lylyluvda916
Pre-Wedding Scene- 6x08
Q: Favourite Glee scene ever?
A: My wedding!
-Naya (Twitter Q&A 2015)
“My favourite scene to film was the wedding with me and Naya. It’s just a beautiful memory that I am so thankful I have during this time. It happened at the same time as I was getting married, and it just felt like a double wedding, if you will, because that was the title of the episode. It just kind of summed up our entire relationship on the show and it felt so real, and so magical, to do that with one of my best friends.”- Heather (Cameo 2015)
After too much thinking, I’ve decided that my favorite Brittana scene is the pre wedding when they’re getting ready and Britt freaks out because Santana sees her before the wedding, thinking it’s a bad luck thing. And then Santana says to her that rules don’t apply to them and that they make their own luck. After that they kiss in the most perfect way. It’s my favorite because by saying that to Brittany, Santana made it clear that no matter what traditions say or people believe, everyone can choose how to be happy.
-@awesome-shipper
My favourite Brittana scene would have to be just the whole wedding episode if i’m being honest aha (i love all the Brittana scenes lol its soo hard to choose haha) because it shows that love is love and that anyone can get married if you love one another doesn’t have to be man and women, it can be women and women or even man and man! Love is love! I love the episode also because they are just soo cute in it lol, like Brittany having all the pre wedding worries and then Santana calming her down, ahhh its just soo cute aha.
-@elmamacca
It’s so ridiculously hard to pick my favourite Brittana scene, when they all mean so much. Each one means something different for them in terms of their story. Though they may lack screen time compared to other couples on the show, their scenes are filled with so many firsts. First time Santana admits her feelings, first time they mention their officially dating, first kiss, first I love you in a relationship when they're both happy...so they’re each special for different reasons. Even the break up has Santana admit for the first time that she had feelings for Brittany way back in Sophomore year (S1). Something that was implied but never verbalised before that point.
It's hard to pin it down to just one. I love 2x15 for the obvious reasons of getting to see Santana admit what was already clear to see. That she loved Brittany. Seeing her finally admit that was just really poignant for me.
Landslide and Songbird hold such special places in my heart. The bravery. The love. Everything. I felt it all.
Heart was the fluff we so sorely craved for 3 seasons, and they finally we got it in the best way, and we got our first on screen kiss (3 times over).
5x12/5x13 had me feeling euphoric because finally after a season of absolute crap they finally got back together. The kiss was amazing, and we got to see Brittany lay it all on the line for Santana and make it clear who her top choice always was deep down.
6x03 was like a treasure trove of pure joy. The softest bed scene ever which I love for, my fav duet from them and ofc the proposal. Seeing Santana so boldly (I felt so proud of her in this moment) declare her love for Brittany in front of everyone (something she once thought she'd never be able to do), and for Brittany to be able to see that after their rocky start of "I'm not making out with you because I'm in love with you and want to sing about making lady babies", was everything! The call backs to Landslide were just ugh, and it really showed how far they had come. Santana’s speech and how nervous she is, plus Britt’s tears and the way she snatches the ring, lives in my head rent free.
6x06 is also like, incredible, and one of my fav ever Brittana episodes. Just the whole damn episode and how domesticated they are, Santana’s bravery, Brittany’s protectiveness, all the soft af dialogue that looks like it’s been plucked straight from a fanfic. The “did I ever tell you that I love you?” “tell me again” scene is one of my all time favourite scenes from them ever, and I can’t with how utterly adorable and playful and in love they are. Essentially, my love for the ship holds no bounds so there are too many “fave scenes” to count. Truthfully, I could write an in-depth analysis about every single one one of their scenes and how it touched me in some way, but I think if I had to pick just one I'd go with 6x08 the pre-wedding scene.
It's their last major "two-shot" scene and I honestly think it captures everything. Not only is it just contextually sweet the way Santana can't wait any longer to see Brittany and the words that she says, and the way Brittany is nervously freaking out, it ties up a lot of their story. Santana says with confidence "you love me, and I love you" after what seems like a lifetime of self-doubt, finally she knows Brittany loves her and no longer has to question that. This is the same girl who begged Brittany to say she loved her back as a scared closeted teenager, and now she's standing in front of her on their wedding day knowing that Brittany loves her without even needing to hear it. But regardless we do get an "I love you so much" from Brittany, unprovoked by Santana, which again is a callback to that heartbreaking 2x15 scene. It was all Santana ever wanted to hear back then, now she gets to hear it so freely on their wedding day. Their wedding day guys!? Nothing can ever top that for me, for them to have that ending to such a imperfectly perfect story, after all the erasure, the angst, the break-up, seeing them with other people, watching Brittany go off to MIT and thinking yep...this ship is done because Heather's never coming back now.
The way Santana manages to calm Brittany and make her see clearly, is everything, and it really shows that yin/yang dynamic that I love so much about them.
Being someone who felt like I was living vicariously through them and seeing them get the ending of all endings and get married which is such a rarity (or certainly was at the time) for WLW ships was EVERYTHING. There's also the kiss (my fav kiss of there's) and the fact that moments later Abuela comes in and finally makes amends with Santana. It was the perfect, happy, full circle ending to a rollercoaster of a story, and nothing will ever get more satisfying than that.
-@chooseyouovereveryone
Full List Of Scenes & YouTube Links
Brittany & Santana Talk To Holly Holliday About Their Feelings
Landslide
Hurt Locker
Songbird
Heart Locker
Officially Dating
Rumour Has It/Someone Like You
The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
Cherish/Cherish
I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)
Tongue Tied
Mine
Santana Walks Brittany Out Of The Auditorium One Last Time
Valerie
Churros Kiss
The Lilies Scene
The Bedroom Scene
The Proposal
The Hallway Scene
Brittany Confronts Santana’s Abuela
Pre-Wedding Scene
Top 5 Scenes
Each of them had 3 responses each.
Landslide
Hurt Locker
Songbird
Lilies Scene
Pre-Wedding Scene
Season Breakdown
Season 2, Season 3, Season 6 (5 scenes each)
Season 5 (3 scenes)
Season 4 (1 scene)
Season Popularity By Number Of Responses
Season 2 (12 responses)
Season 3 (9 responses)
Season 6 (8 responses)
Season 5 (6 responses)
Season 4 (1 response)
Thank you all so much for reading, participating, sharing etc. I really hope you’ve enjoyed it!
xx
#brittana#brittany and santana#glee#gleeks#glee brittana#glee brittany#glee santana#santana lopez#brittany s.pierce#brittany pierce#rumours#10yearsofbrittana#10yearsofrumours#brittana fan project#brittany x santana
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Joyful Reunion, Chapter 111
Translator: foxghost @foxghost tumblr/ko-fi1
Beta: meet-me-in-oblivion @meet-me-in-oblivion tumblr
Original by 非天夜翔 Fei Tian Ye Xiang
Masterpost | Characters, Maps & Other Reference Index
Book 3, Chapter 24 (Part 6)
Duan Ling has just arrived in Mu Qing’s room, but they barely manage to say anything to each other before he’s called back again. This time, Chang Pin tactfully leaves the room, shutting the door behind him, and tells Wu Du not to go in, leaving Mu Kuangda and Duan Ling to themselves.
Mu Kuangda is no longer angry; he considers Duan Ling and says, “I had a banquet set up last night, and Huang Jian waited for you two the whole night and you never showed up. You’ll need to make him an apology.”
“Certainly,” Duan Ling says humbly.
Two cunning foxes, keeping the quiet parts unsaid; of course Mu Kuangda’s not about to spew garbage like telling Duan Ling not to let anyone know what happened the night before, and of course Duan Ling isn’t about to go around telling everyone either.
“Do you remember what the contents of the letters were? It does seem rather strange for Mongolians to send letters to each other in Han.”
One lie only begets more lies to make the first lie work — Duan Ling has somehow forgotten all about that, and he can but say, “It really was in Han. I also wondered why and found it rather odd.”
Mu Kuangda falls silent for a moment. “Write it out and let’s see.”
Duan Ling picks up the brush, and imitating Batu’s tone, he fabricates the first letter. “I don’t quite remember all the details clearly.”
Mu Kuangda calls for Chang Pin. “Go to the library and bring the last letter Borjigin Batu sent.”
Duan Ling’s heart beats wildly in his chest, and he writes out a second page. He stacks the two sheets of paper together. “The second letter was also written by Batu, but that was regarding the alliance. I don’t really remember what it said.”
By the time he finishes, Chang Pin has already brought them another letter. He sets it down in front of Mu Kuangda. Mu Kuangda compares them with a glance. “It does indeed sound like the Mongolian prince.”
It’s yet another checkpoint that Duan Ling has passed, and he lets out an inward breath of relief. Chang Pin gives it a casual look and smiles. “This handwriting of yours bears some resemblance to his, actually.”
In their younger days Duan Ling was the one who taught Batu most of his Han writing, studying and essay-composition. Duan Ling is only realising this point now. “Really?”
He takes the letter and looks over it carefully. Seeing Batu’s familiar handwriting still plagued with many grammatical mistakes, Duan Ling finds it both funny and familiar, and he cannot help but miss him. A mix of feelings rises into his heart.
“Borjigin Batu grew up in Shangjing,” Chang Pin says. “That much is true. He must have learned how to write in Han, and as Jochi never learned to read, Batu’s forgotten the ancestor’s Mongolian — he may only be able to speak Mongolian, but not write it, and that’s why he sends all his messages in Han.”
“On the contrary, I have a feeling that,” Mu Kuangda stares at the letter that Duan Ling has just written, “it’s highly probable that Batu doesn’t want others among his own people to know, and in order to stop this news from spreading and the situation from getting out of control, he wrote his letters to Amga and Khatanbaatar in Han.”
Duan Ling is rather grateful to Mu Kuangda; after all, he’s somehow justified Duan Ling’s lie for him.
“Never mind,” Mu Kuangda says, “we’ll just keep this for now and verify it later.” He then hands all three letters to Chang Pin for him to put away, and says to Duan Ling, “Wang Shan, I’m giving you a holiday so you can go home and visit your parents. You must come back in fifteen days to assist Master Chang Pin, and that’ll give you a chance to learn how to manage the estate as well.”
Duan Ling realises that this means he’s finally through the ordeal, and he gives Mu Kuangda a bow before withdrawing from the room.
“I have discovered that no matter what happens,” Chang Pin says, “Wang Shan always looks like that. He’s rather poised.”
“He can take on great responsibilities, and in the future we should take the time to nurture him. Something like this friendship between him and Qing’er is hard to come by, after all. Chang Pin, it seems we’ll have to make changes to our plans again.”
Chang Pin falls silent for a moment, and then he replies with a nod.
It’s a bright and sunny day. In the palace, Li Yanqiu is sitting in one of the palace halls, and the only person near him is Zheng Yan.
“You have got to be kidding me.” Li Yanqiu’s eyes narrow once he finishes listening to him.
Zheng Yan doesn’t speak, and merely stares at Li Yanqiu.
“Who else heard what he said?”
“Chang Liujun, Wuluohou Mu, Wu Du, Feng Duo, as well as Wang Shan from the chancellor’s estate.”
“There’s absolutely no way. How are we supposed to explain the Sword of the Realm? Would the late emperor teach his style to someone not of the family?”
“But what if even the late emperor was fooled? After all, Amga never explained the actual situation. If Wuluohou Mu was the one who swindled the late emperor to begin with …”
"If even he was fooled, then that’s fine by me. He’s already decided that’s his son, so who are we to say differently?”
Zheng Yan is struck dumb all of a sudden. He absolutely couldn’t have expected Li Yanqiu to say a thing like that.
“The crown prince seeks an audience,” the eunuch outside sing-songs.
Cai Yan is here, looking in rather good spirits. He glances at Zheng Yan, and gives him a nod. Li Yanqiu gazes at Cai Yan; Cai Yan greets him for the day first before sitting down on his knees at Li Yanqiu’s side without saying anything, just keep smiling at him.
“What is it?” Li Yanqiu asks him, “Did you miss me?”
“The Mongolians say I’m an imposter,” Cai Yan says.
Zheng Yan’s expression darkens a smidgen, but Li Yanqiu says to Cai Yan, “You don’t have to worry about what they say.”
Cai Yan adds, “That’s what they said back then too.”
Li Yanqiu carefully scans Cai Yan’s face, and suddenly breaks into a smile. Cai Yan, on the other hand, has stopped speaking, his eyes reddening, turning his gaze away.
Li Yanqiu reaches out for the back of Cai Yan’s neck to embrace him, and so Cai Yan leans on Li Yanqiu’s shoulder and begins to sob.
“You’re still thinking about all those things I said back then, aren’t you? You hold a grudge as much as your dad did. I still remember that on the day you came back you hugged me and cried just like this as well.”
Cai Yan keeps sobbing, trembling all over. Li Yanqiu says, “Once the third day of the third month passes, two years will have passed since then. I don’t even cry anymore, so how come you’re still like a child who can’t seem to grow up.”
Zheng Yan is still observing Cai Yan though, his brows drawn tight together, unsure momentarily if Cai Yan is acting.
Cai Yan rubs his face against Li Yanqiu’s shoulder, and so Li Yanqiu glances at Zheng Yan to tell him to leave the room, while holding onto Cai Yan and giving him endless words of comfort.
In a fluttering sea of peach blossoms, Duan Ling returns home, but Wu Du is nowhere to be found. As soon as he gets home he goes looking for those two sheets of paper, but when he opens the case it’s to find that they’re gone!
Duan Ling is shocked before he sees the slip of paper Wu Du has left for him in the sword case: I await you beneath the bridge.
Duan Ling’s soul has nearly been scared half out of his body, but once he figures out that Wu Du is just teasing him, he looks around, feeling rather paranoid. He packs up his things, leaves the house, and spies Wu Du’s figure flash past the alleyway. Come to think of it, even if Wu Du is playing with him, he wouldn’t dare stray too far.
Three mountains surround the shores of the Yangtze and nine rivers coil through the city of spring; waterways crisscross Jiangzhou, and nine bridges set atop limestone paths while small boats travel to and fro. Many fishermen pole their boats along the waterways, filled to the brim with river food to sell along the shore.
Peach blossoms fill the air. The main street isn’t far from the bridge, and once he’s under the bridge, Duan Ling looks around in every direction. His head bumps into a peach branch, and he immediately looks up.
Wu Du is leaning over the railing and smiling at Duan Ling below; Duan Ling runs up the bridge, but with a quick dodge, by then Wu Du has already run away.
“Wu Du! You stand right there!”
Wu Du stands at the end of the bridge looking perfectly proper. Duan Ling runs to him, and in the sunlight, Wu Du’s smile is more handsome than anything; his black martial artist robes make him look ever more soldierly in the warmth of spring. Duan Ling can’t help but take another step forward and wrap his arms around him.
“What is it?” Wu Du asks.
“What’s with you?” Duan Ling asks him in return, “Where’s the stuff?”
Wu Du gives his scabbard a pat. “My sword, my life; its death, my death.”
Duan Ling drops his head in his hand. “Why do you all like to keep important stuff in your scabbards?”
But come to think of it, aside from that hapless Amga, a scabbard for one’s sword or sabre is the best hiding place when it comes to things carried on one’s person. After all, to an assassin, their sword is always near at hand.
“Where’re we goin’?” Duan Ling asks, “Is something the matter?”
Wu Du seems a bit nervous. “Come on, down here.”
Duan Ling’s mood takes a turn for the brighter — it’s just been one thing after another lately, and now he feels like the haze has been swept aside, and the sky is wide and blue above him.
Wu Du walks to the pier by the creek’s edge, indicating that Duan Ling should board it first. Duan Ling knows Wu Du can steer a boat, and he’s rather good at it too, so he gladly gets on.
Wu Du unties the rope and leaps onto the boat. With one push of his long pole by the shore, the small boat vanishes into the boats congregating in the water market. Soon enough, it shoots out the other side like an arrow and keeps going, following the zigzagging waterways to wait in line for the Black Armours’ checkpoint at the narrow waterway entrance as they prepare to leave the city.
It’s the first time Duan Ling has ever gone on a trip by boat, and he can’t help being filled with excitement. Wu Du passes the checkpoint, pushing on the pole again; the boat leaves the waterway for the Yangtze main and the way opens up in front of them, where nothing but water meets the eye, a torrent rushing towards the east.
A thousand sails compete on the Yangtze; Wu Du hoists the sail with several quick pulls, wraps the rope around the mast several times, then tosses the rope over it casually and sits down next to Duan Ling at the prow, side by side.
“It’s so beautiful,” Duan Ling says. “Where are we going?”
“To the ends of the earth,” Wu Du says, “you want to go?”
Duan Ling suddenly feels so utterly exhausted, yet so happy, especially in the very instant he catches the bright blue sky above meeting the wide expanse of the water below; it makes him think that everything that is beautiful about the land is all right here.
“I want to go,” Duan Ling replies.
Neither of them say anything, sitting with their backs against the prow.
“When we get home again you’ll have to become the emperor. Perhaps it’ll be a long, long time before we can make it out again.”
Duan Ling understands what Wu Du means — now that they have the evidence, he has taken one step closer in his plans to return to court. Before the results of the exams are released, staying in Jiangzhou is not the best idea.
The small boat flies across the surface of the river and enters another narrow waterway before turning north. Both sides of the shore are towering mountains, more beautiful than anything he can imagine. Wu Du strips himself of his outer robe, rolls up his pants, and poles the boat along. When they happen to meet a fish merchant hawking their catch on a boat, they buy some food from them.
Meanwhile, Duan Ling has found a coal stove, and he starts a fire at the prow for cooking fish soup and rice.
He doesn’t ask where they’re going. Bit by bit he’s starting to think that if he can spend his whole life like this, that’s fine too; to live like duckweed drifting on the surface of a pond, roaming far, roaming wide. The marvellous world beyond and all the people in the world will simply turn into birds crisscrossing the skies, scattering beneath the mountain peaks. Everything would become so simple.
In the night, when rain falls, Duan Ling and Wu Du sleep in the cabin together, listening to the pitter-patter of rain landing on the river. Looking outside, all he sees is a million raindrops splashing onto the water.
When the wind picks up and blows away all the rain clouds, they lie down on the deck where they’re surrounded by a thousand miles of still water, the surface as reflective as a mirror, while a brilliant starry river shines before their eyes.
And thus two days go by. On the third day, as Duan Ling wakes up yawning, Wu Du is already pushing the boat to shore. They’ve reached a remote corner between the mountains with a limestone path that leads towards the end of the mountain range.
“What is this place?” Duan Ling asks.
Wu Du looks up into the distance. After a brief silence he says, “I’ll carry you.”
“Let’s walk together. Are we going to pray at a Buddhist temple?”
“You’ll see when you get there.” As he says this to Duan Ling, Wu Du seems a bit nervous.
They climb up the stone steps, covered in lichen from long years of disrepair. When they get to the cliff, there’s a plank walkway that snakes along the cliff face, round and round, leading deeper into the wilderness. When Duan Ling sees the first monastery gate, he finally realises why Wu Du has brought him here.
Before them is a giant, stone-carved white tiger, as life-like as the real thing, facing the great river and the world of the central plains below, surrounded by layer upon layer of clouds.
I do not monetise my hobby translations, but if you’d like to support my work generally or support my light novel habit, you can either buy me a coffee or commission me. This is also to note that if you see this message anywhere else than on tumblr, do come to my tumblr. It’s ad-free. ↩︎
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