“waiting for what? i’d like to know.

it is august.

my life is going to change. i feel it.”

raymond carver

My Death

by Raymond Carver

If I’m lucky, I’ll be wired every whichway in a hospital bed. Tubes running into my nose. But try not to be scared of me, friends! I’m telling you right now that this is okay. It’s little enough to ask for at the end. Someone, I hope, will have phoned everyone to say, “Come quick, he’s failing!” And they will come. And there will be time for me to bid goodbye to each of my loved ones. If I’m lucky, they’ll step forward and I’ll be able to see them one last time and take that memory with me. Sure, they might lay eyes on me and want to run away and howl. But instead, since they love me, they’ll lift my hand and say “Courage” or “It’s going to be all right.” And they’re right. It is all right. It’s just fine. If you only knew how happy you’ve made me! I just hope my luck holds, and I can make some sign of recognition. Open and close my eyes as if to say, “Yes, I hear you. I understand you.” I may even manage something like this: “I love you too. Be happy.” I hope so! But I don’t want to ask for too much. If I’m unlucky, as I deserve, well, I’ll just drop over, like that, without any chance for farewell, or to press anyone’s hand. Or say how much I cared for you and enjoyed your company all these years. In any case, try not to mourn for me too much. I want you to know I was happy when I was here. And remember I told you this a while ago -- April 1984. But be glad for me if I can die in the presence of friends and family. If this happens, believe me, I came out ahead. I didn’t lose this one.

this morning by Raymond Carver

when ocean vuong said "this mess i made i made with love" and raymond carver said "would i live my life over again? make the same unforgivable mistakes? yes, given half the chance. yes" and you realize that the imperfection is what makes your life what it is. iain reid said "everything's both ethereal and clunky" and virginia woolf said "the beauty of the world which is so soon to perish, has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder" and it is really a blessing to live on the light and the dark and have everything meet in the middle. and sometimes it's night and it's raining so hard and it's getting worse and worse and you wonder if it's really worth it to stay. but then in the morning the sun rises and there's a rainbow and it's so quiet. and the sky lives for no one but itself and the birds are singing and you are experiencing something so lovely and mary oliver was right to say "it is a serious thing to just be alive on this fresh morning in this broken world" and you are learning how to live.

I love you. I’m glad I exist.

Mary Oliver, “What is the greatest gift?” / Danez Smith, “acknowledgements” / x / Raymond Carver, “Happiness” / Florence + the machine, “No Choir” / x / José Olivarez, “Citizen Illegal” / Arnold Lobel, from Frog and Toad / Frank O’Hara

I loved you so much once. I did. More than anything in the whole wide world. Imagine that. What a laugh that is now. Can you believe it? We were so intimate once upon a time I can’t believe it now. The memory of being that intimate with somebody. We were so intimate I could puke. I can’t imagine ever being that intimate with somebody else. I haven’t been.

Raymond Carver, Where I’m Calling From: New and Selected Stories

“Dreams are what you wake up from.”

— Raymond Carver, The Bridle.

I am not as Damned as I Think I am

2 Truths and a Lie by Angela Lowes// Front Steps by Matthew Lopas// "On Tour" by Collette// "Rain" by Raymond Carver// Thirst by Jana Brike// Love as an Act of Merciful Conquer by Silas Denver Melvin//

rain, by raymond carver, 1996

Snow began falling late last night. Wet flakes dropping past windows, snow covering the skylights. We watched for a time, surprised and happy. Glad to be here, and nowhere else.

Raymond Carver, "The Gift" (excerpt)

“And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.” ~Raymond Carver, “Late Fragment" from “A New Path to the Waterfall,” 1989

[HELL AND EARTH]

the magic of late summer longing

the pond - mary oliver / girl pictures - justine kurland / august - taylor swift / who will comfort toffle? (1980) / wuthering heights - emily brontë / don snyder / will you please be quiet, please? - raymond carver / aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe (2022) / tove jansson / call me by your name (2017)

Late Fragment

by Raymond Carver

And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.

the gift by Raymond Carver

Late Fragment

And did you get what

you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself

beloved on the earth.

Raymond Carver

Late Fragment, Raymond Carver [transcript in ALT]