Parents:

if your child says that they are uncomfortable with physical contact, please respect their boundaries.

I've been told countless times by my parents that I should be okay with hugs and things like that solely because they're my parents. unfortunately, that is not how that works. when anyone hugs me without my consent, it's extremely upsetting- that doesn't change just because you're related to me.

if you ask, we might actually say yes. but if you continuously ignore boundaries and initiate hugs or anything without asking- especially when your child has voiced to you that it makes them uncomfortable- it's going to make them even less likely to say yes.

if your child is upset and you think that hugging them may help them, just ask, don't assume. even if you have good intentions and just want to help your child, it may end up doing more damage.

Ok, so SOOO much to unpack here, brace yourself. I posted prior on as anonymous 🫥 to get some quick info out, but now I’m really hankering in to unpack.

Ok, so I get it, Gojo definitely has valid reasons to suspect Rinko, but also…

I agree with anonymous (ง'̀-'́)ง, I was ready to fight Gojo (and everyone else who’s an ass to Rinko). Congrats, you have turned a group of Gojo simps to an army of Rinko protectors 🛡️

Anywho, back on point here. Gojo suspecting Rinko was valid because literally everything pointed to her, and while they do communicate to each other often, Rinko has proven to not always share everything because of either Clan shit, or I suspect to keep the barrier of friends with benefits with Gojo.

That said, like, Gojo literally out here claiming she’s his “You’re mine”, like it’s nothing. It’s definitely something, and I get Rinko not addressing in the moment, but she has to question it (Right? 👀)

Also, thank you for representing her feels so eloquently 🥹 as someone who’s recently discovered I have PTSD and panic attacks, and trying to recover from, you handled her own feelings so well! Sometimes reading those experiences can make it hard for myself, but I was able to get through it. So thanks 😊

Well hello! I will also address your anon message in this, so everything is below the cut!! 😊😊

If you're new and HAVEN'T already, you can read Another Level on AO3 :)

I'm pasting your Anon message:

I’m so very impressed with the recent writing of Rinko and Gojo’s life. The way you handled Rinko’s breakdown was true to form of the panic instilling, the body dissociating - all scarily accurate. Literally was screaming at Gojo the entire time to help her breathe by breathing. From my own experience with panic attacks, having a loved one help you through it works wonders (even if you may not want it, you need it). Rinko’s story has found a special place in my heart, and you do her justice in expressing it in your writing. Truly impressed

OKAY.

I will first address the panic attacks and how accurately they are written:

I have had panic attacks for as long as I can remember. I have also had PTSD from past relationships. I recently discovered that I am also autistic 🙃 and 'autistic meltdowns' are often mistaken for panic attacks in undiagnosed people. So, there's that.

I have written about my mental health for a long, long time. Many years. If you'd like, I can share those, but I don't want to make you feel pressured to read them! (also don't want to out myself for how much of myself I've accidentally written into Rinko 👀)

AN ARMY OF RINKO PROTECTORS YES.

I can tell you who will be LEADING that army:

Don't you HURT HIS ADOPTIVE MOM COUSIN.

Gojo staking his claim and what Rinko thinks:

I'm gonna be real with you. Rinko thought almost nothing of him saying that for two reasons: 1) He was drunk. 2) She straight up thinks he is the dumbest man alive.

Rinko genuinely thinks that Gojo is just stupid and doesn't realize that things he says and does send messages of more than being friends.

Why, you ask? Let's take a lil trip down memory lane:

We'll start with this bit from Let Me Know You:

“Friends don’t typically do this,” she said quietly, a small laugh escaping when he pouted. “Unless you’re going to tell me this is how all of your friendships are? Because that’d be very interesting.” That made him laugh, his eyes crinkling at the corners, hand moving to the back of her neck to pull her lips to meet his again. Pressing his tongue into her mouth, his other hand went to her shirt again. “I’ll admit this might not be a conventional friendship,” he murmured, unbuttoning the few buttons she’d managed to fasten earlier. “But that’s what makes it fun. We can have sleepovers-”

Then, I Say "Sayonara":

But she couldn’t, she wouldn’t, tell her mother about her ‘unconventional’ friendship with Gojo Satoru. Not the typical friendship, he would always say as he grinned, pressing a gentle kiss to her temple or forehead. Such a contrast to how he would spend the next few hours taking her apart in every way he could.

AND THEN, FINALLY, New Memories:

“You know,” she said, reluctantly allowing him to pull her along with him again. “That isn’t exactly how friends-” “Not a typical friendship, baby,” he cut her off. “Now,” he paused, grabbing her by the waist and warping them to her apartment. “Get changed.”

I'm going to write an Author Discussion once we've gotten through (Please) Prove Me Wrong, so that will break down quite a bit and hopefully answer some of your other questions!! 😊😊

Full disclosure: Gojo's POV was never meant to be as big of a deal as it's become, and I am struggling to write it rn 🙃🙃🙃

Thank you for reading and sending these TWO amazing asks 🥹💕

heyy!! love everything you write and would love to do this off anon but je suis shy 🤚 idk if you're taking requests for pope and i havent really thought this through but perhaps,, reader's kinda doing shit in school so pope offers to help (or she asks him to help idk) but she's pretty down bad since they barely get to spend time alone together so, uh, minimal studying ends up happening...

sorry for the crappy explanation but your last pop fic threw me for a loop 🙃

You are so sweet - do not have to be shy! I am always taking requests for our guy Pope. Thank you so much. You are the loveliest xoxo

Author's Notes: All characters are 18+ If I had a boyfriend like Pope I probably would have done better on my academics..maybe..If this was your request, I hope you love it !

Warnings: Sexual references - sexual innuendos *(Not full smut, but clothes are removed, and I suppose I eluded to unprotected sex - so be careful out there, your choice how!! )

Requested? YES! Requests for OBX are OPEN!

*My work is not to be transferred, copied, translated or reposted to any other sites without my permission. Please see my masterlist for all other works and warnings. Thank you! xoxo

Pope tried not to get into his own head too much, or let JJ get into his head too much, when she had asked him over that night to help her study for an upcoming test.

"Dude. You know what that means, right? Come over and 'study'?"

His best friend's words rang in his head as he pedaled his bike through the Cut towards his new girlfriend's house. He was expecting nothing, and his book-bag was full of all the necessary notebooks and textbooks to help her prepare for his English exam this coming Thursday.

Pope knocked on the door of the small house and waited for a few minutes before he let himself in. Her parents weren't home, both of them pulling double shifts that day and her being an only child gave them more than enough time to be alone and study.

"You're not gonna study, dude."

Pope shook his head as JJ's words invaded his thoughts once more, then made his way through the short hallway at the front of the house and to the back towards her bedroom. He knocked on the door frame of her bedroom when he saw her pace the floor of her room, mumbling to herself.

"Hey. I'm here." He smiled softly as he placed his bag down on the floor by the doorway and walked in slowly.

"Pope. Thank, God." She breathed out at the sight of him. She walked over to him quickly and tossed her arms around his neck, pressed up on her toes to be closer to his height.

"Nervous?" He asked while he wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder while he let her squeeze her as tightly as she could.

"Yes."

"Don't be. I have the best system for studying, and it's even helped JJ a time a two when he's actually wanted to study. So, you'll be fine. Better than fine." Pope stated firmly as he pulled out of her tight grip then reached back to grab his book bag for his study supplies that he brought with him.

"You're so sweet for helping me, Pope." She breathed out as she walked over to the edge of the bed and sat down, running her hands through her hair.

"Of course. You know I'm here for you." Pope smiled softly as he walked over to the edge of the bed, sitting next to her. He placed his notebooks on his lap and handed her his textbook, marked with sticky notes and highlighted to perfection.

They studied for a full 45 minutes before her impatience and pure frustration with the subject got the best of her. She let out a loud groan, taking the book and tossing it across the room before she flopped back on the bed.

"I'm never going to get it right." She sighed heavily as she tossed her forearms over her face. She always felt so inferior when it came to books and smarts compared to Pope. He was brilliant, and he tried to hard to help her understand her subjects.

"It's alright. You will. Sometimes you need to study in little increments as opposed to all at once. We can take a break." Pope smiled softly as he removed the books from her lap, and his own, then placed them on the floor by the edge of the bed.

Pope laid back on the bed beside her, his hands respectfully on his stomach as he looked over at his girlfriend who was still in the throes of an academic meltdown.

"You're smarter than you think you are. You put too much pressure on yourself." Pope stated softly, a small smile on his face as she finally pulled her arms off her pretty face and looked over at him.

"Not as smart as you." She whispered as she reached a hand over and began to fiddle with the buttons of his shirt. She shifted her body so she laid on her side, propped up on one arm as she began to slowly unbutton his shirt.

"I - uh - I don't know if I would say that. You're really smart, and pretty. And like, really funny. Did I mention pretty? Because you're beautiful." Pope stammered as he looked from her face to her fingers as they pulled at the final button of his shirt.

"You've mentioned it a time or two." She nodded as she turned her body to straddle his hips, her hands pressed to his chest for leverage as she sat up straight.

"What are you doing?" Pope inquired softly as he sat upright, his hands on her hips as he let her wrap her arms around his neck.

"Study break?" She smiled as she began to push his shirt off of his shoulders, down to his elbows.

Pope let go of her hips in favour of shaking his hands out behind him, his shirt sliding off arms. He groaned when his girlfriend pressed her lips to his firmly, knocking him to his back again. Pope let out a long exhale through his nostrils as she pressed a firm kiss to his lips, his hands making their way to her backside to keep her in place on top of him.

"Your parents - " Pope breathed out as she began to kiss down his neck, her fingers trailing down his abdomen towards the button of his shorts.

"Mom is on late shift at the hospital, and my dad is driving a truck to Fortworth this week." She smiled into the crease of his neck as she felt him squeeze her backside over her shorts.

"Texas?" Pope asked with a heavy breath, his fingertips creeping up the back of her shirt.

"Long-haul trucker. You know that." She replied as she sat up, pulling her shirt over head.

"So, we're alone." Pope stated with his hands firmly on her hips while his eyes scanned over her chest in a bright yellow pushup bra.

"For a long time." She smiled with a nod, thumbing open the button of his shorts and then waiting. The tension between them thickened, both of them waiting for other to make the first move. They had been together before, more than a handful of times, but each time felt like the first time. That shortened breath, quick heartbeat. The excited nervousness was tangible.

"Can I?" Pope questioned as he reached his fingertips up to brush over the clasp of her bra. He sat up to be closer to her, feeling almost cold without her next to him.

"Of course you can." She nodded as she placed her hands on his shoulders, her forehead against his as he unhooked her bra and slid the straps down her shoulders.

"You're so beautiful." Pope breathed out while he pulled her bra off her arms and tossed it off the edge of the bed, his hands surging forward to cup her breasts.

"Thank you." She shivered at the feeling of his warm palms on her skin, her left hand at the nape of his neck while the other held herself steady on his shoulder.

Pope leaned forward to press a kiss to her collarbone, then began to press kiss after kiss along her chest as he gently kneaded her breasts, his breath heavy as she rocked her hips back and forth on top of him.

"Take off your pants, Pope." She whispered as she pulled her nails gently over his shoulders, not quite scratching him like she usually did, but close.

With her request ringing in his ears, Pope flipped his girlfriend onto her back on the bed and shimmied out of his shorts leaving him only in his briefs. He grabbed hold of her shorts and tugged them down her legs, along with her underwear, in one swoop. He dropped to his forearms above her again, his nose brushing over hers as he laid between her parted thighs.

"Come here, baby." She smiled as she pushed the waistband of his briefs down over his backside, pressing the heels of her feet under his backside to bring him right against her.

"You feel good." Pope groaned as he pressed his tip against her, his head dropped down to her forehead as he held himself up on his forearms.

"You're not even inside of me yet, Pope." She laughed breathlessly while she ran her hands down his back.

"Don't need to be. You're perfect." Pope whispered as he reached a hand between them to guide himself inside of her.

As Pope steadied himself, ready to settle inside of his love a loud gasp and a snicker echoed throughout the once otherwise quiet home.

"No, just leave it and go. They didn't see us. Move, JJ!"

"Wait, wait. I wanna see!"

"Guys, are you seriously here right now?" Pope groaned as his hips dropped down to his girlfriend's, his hand removed from between them to run over his face.

"I'm not looking. I just wanted to drop off an exam prep I had to help you guys out. Seriously!" Kiara yelled as she ran down the hallway with her hands over her eyes.

JJ stood in the doorway with his hands in his pockets and a wide grin on his face. He raised his eyebrows at his friend before he turned on his heel, closing the door over behind him.

"Told you that you wouldn't study, Pope!"

Hotties:

@babeyglo @starkey-babie @sodasback @fashion-fasting @barrysjumpsuit @beauvibaby @plutooryectors @rottenstyx @pogueslandia @soph0864 @whcclxr

*tag list is open, please let me know if I forgot you or you would like to be added/removed from particular posts. I've removed the people that don't pre-populate :(

Please let me know what you think if you have a moment! Thank you so much xoxo

Requests for OBX ARE OPEN!

I have a fic request, pretty please! Andreil (ofc!) Anyway Neil not answering his phone (cuz it died, again, oops) and Andrew losing his shit and hunting him down!

Okay it’s 2am and this is finally, finally being posted. It should have gone up like a week ago but Tumblr wouldn’t let me answer asks at the time. I’ve changed this around so many times and I don’t know if this is what you were hoping for but I tried my best! I tweaked it a little too, so sorry.

Full Masterlist.

—————

This is Josten, I don’t want to talk to you so don’t leave a message.

This is Josten, I don’t want to talk to you so don’t leave a message.

Andrew had now called Neil’s phone about twenty fucking times and he still hadn’t answered; he always answered when Andrew called him. Everyone was in the lounge at the court since it had been at least four hours since anyone had heard from him. Nicky was almost in tears, Dan and Matt looked like they were two seconds away from calling in a search party and of course Aaron the asshole looked like he didn’t care that Neil was missing. Abby was tucked underneath Coach’s arm, her face etched with worry and taking comfort from the man. It was about fucking time they got their shit together. The man in question cleared his throat just when Andrew was about to leave and search the campus himself. “Minyard sit the fuck down, we will find him we just have to piece some things together first.”

All he did was sneer at the command but stayed nonetheless. He was itching to pull out his knives and bury them in something but Renee gave him a look as if she knew exactly what he was thinking and she shook her head at him. Nicky really was crying now and Andrew had to force himself not to roll his eyes. Yes they all cared about Neil, they were all his family, but with the reactions they were giving it was like they expected the worst. Andrew could not think like that, wouldn’t think like that because even though he hated when the idiot said it, he had to believe that Neil was fine.

“Who was the last person to see him?” Allison spoke up from the other side of the room, and so now it looked like she was getting worried. When they’d first gathered here it had only been an hour and she figured he’d turn up in the next few minutes. Oh how wrong she was. Matt forced out an answer, his leg bouncing non-stop, just like it had been after the riot two years ago and Neil had been taken to Baltimore.

“Uh I did. We walked to our first class together after morning practice.” Well that didn’t really help because the junkie had his Spanish class right after that one and then he usually went on his run after that. No one would have seen him at Fox Tower after that, because no one else was free. Actually that was wrong because-

“He was talking in Japanese. He was talking in fucking Japanese.” Because the coward that was Kevin Day had one of his classes cancelled and he’d told everyone he’d go back to the dorms and figure out a new drill they could do, not that anyone really cared. Before he could do a repeat performance of choking Kevin out, Renee was on him in a flash, restraining him from any movement. When Kevin turned to look at Andrew, he’d gone as white as a sheet, as if he realised what he’d just said and visibly swallowed. Andrew was going to kill him, and then bury his body where nobody would find it. Just as soon as the good Christian girl let go of him.

“What the fuck do you mean he was talking in Japanese, Day?” Andrew’s voice was low and smooth, promising a whole lot of pain if Kevin didn’t respond in the way he was expected to. The spineless coward looked around the room at the foxes, eyes lingering on his father, before turning back to Andrew and wringing his hands in front of him.

“When I got back to the dorms, Neil was already there. I was going to ask him if he wanted to help me come up with new drills and plays when I heard it. He didn’t sound like he normally did, it was like he was someone else and was talking in whispered Japanese like he was worried about someone hearing him.”

The fucking stupid asshole.

He was dealing with Moriyama bullshit and hadn’t even bothered to tell Andrew. They had agreed on no more lies, to trust one another. Looks like Andrew had made a mistake on that front but really, it was bound to happen. That was a lie, Neil was most likely in meltdown mode and had forgotten he had people who could help him now. Nicky was hysterical now and started yelling at Kevin, tears falling down his cheeks. “Well you speak Japanese too dickwad, what the fuck was he actually saying or are you going to wait another four hours to tell us that?”

“I don’t know what he was talking about! There were a few quick ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers and an ‘of course’ but he wasn’t actually giving information. He probably didn’t want to get into trouble.”

Oh Andrew was going to enjoy being responsible for the death of the great Kevin Day. Just as he was about to fight Renee to get to him, the sound of the door opening pushed through his senses and he swivelled to see Neil walk into the room. Nicky gave a cry of relief, getting onto his feet and joining Matt as they ran over to fuss over the redhead. Neil tried meeting Andrew’s gaze and smile, but all he could do was glare at the sight of those piercing blues. Andrew was quite angry with him, and he’d soon find that out. Wymack was also quite angry by the looks of it, arms now crossed over his chest and a face like thunder. “Where in the actual fuck have you been, Josten? And don’t give me any of your usual bullshit because it’s not going to be good enough.”

Andrew watched Neil gently extricate himself from his cuddly giants and sighed as he looked around the room at everyone. It was Wymack who’d asked for answers yes, but Neil didn’t look at anyone other than Andrew, as if it was just the two of them.

“Ichirou called. He wanted an update on his assets and to make sure we weren’t doing anything stupid. He also wanted to reiterate what would happen if we didn’t manage to attract pro teams that weren’t to his liking. I told him that he wouldn’t be let down.”

Aaron piped up for the first time since they’d all walked into the court hours ago. “It’s been literal hours Josten, a text to say ‘I’m still alive, unfortunately’ would have been great. I’ve wasted my whole day.”

“I know how long it’s been, jackass.” Neil snapped, glaring daggers into Aaron’s skull. Andrew was still vibrating with anger and couldn’t hold it back any longer.

“Everyone get the fuck out.” When they all just stared at him, not moving, he emphasised his point by unsheathing a knife and giving a firm, “Now.”

Nicky and Kevin moved like lightning and were the first to leave. Allison smirked for some stupid reason, winking at Neil as she strode out of the room. Matt and Dan looked weary but still left, Aaron on their heels. Renee gave them both gentle smiles and nodded her head. Wymack gave Neil a stern look like he wanted to say more but thought better of hit, rubbing his forehead and mumbling about being ‘too old for this shit’. Abby gave Neil a few motherly touches, which the redhead flinched away from for the first time in a long time, and then she too was gone.

Now that they were alone Neil tried explaining with an, “Andrew I...” but he trailed off, seemingly lost for words. He didn’t have a chance to think of anything else before Andrew flung himself at his stupid junkie, fists gripping at Neil’s- no Andrew’s –t-shirt and burying his head into his chest. He smelt of apples and sweetness and god, Andrew felt like he could finally fucking breathe.

“You didn’t answer your fucking phone. Why didn’t you answer the phone?” Neil’s arms moved, one wrapping around Andrew’s waist the other holding the back of his neck, keeping him against his chest.

“Ichirou had a few extra words before the call ended. He said he was ‘sorry for my loss’. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about at first but then I remembered. It’s the anniversary of mom’s death. I turned my phone off after and just ran. I came back when I turned my phone back on and saw the missed calls.”

As much as he hated Mary Hatford, he knew why Neil still mourned her sometimes. He was slowly beginning to understand that what his mother had done to him was wrong, that she had abused him for years, but she was all he had known and was the only safe thing for him. He hated it but kept quiet, not wanting to get into an argument on the matter right now. “Just let me know you’re alright next time. Kevin heard your call, heard the Japanese. I thought, I thought...”

Neil suddenly cupped his face in his scarred hands, tilting his head back so they were looking at each other, before leaning in to press their foreheads together. “I’m right here ‘Drew and I’m not going to disappear again. I’m right here.”

The kiss that followed was soft, gentle and slow, so unlike them but it was what they needed just then. They need to be able to feel everything and to be able to feel each other. Andrew didn’t want to let go, he wanted to stay and kiss Neil until his lips went numb but exhaustion was a bitch. He pulled back, looking at Neil’s lips which were swollen from their kisses and he had a pretty red flush that had blossomed on his cheeks.

“Come on, let’s go. I’m hungry and you owe me ice cream after what you just pulled.” Neil just laughed and nodded, taking one of Andrew’s hands in his own and linking their fingers together, walking them both towards the door.

“Whatever you want ‘Drew, whatever you want and I’ll give it to you.”

—————

If you want to be on my aftg tag list then just hit me up, folks:)

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"Neil would have kept trying for you. And eventually, he would have taken pictures of my little girl." Susan welled. Her body gave an odd vibration with the thought. "I can't stop thinking about that fact. I won't for a long time." -Susan broke my heart in this chapter, I love that she's woken up to Neil's shit. Getting closer to Camille is a good thing!! Their last scene was sweet. The dream jarred me though. I keep thinking about what would happen if Cam went to Neil at his manipulation? Scary

I’m so happy that Susan’s growth is being spotlighted. Her heart to heart with Camille was a scene I walked away from so proud of. :) Billy and Camille both got good moments with her. And…your last question actually got me to pull something from my drafts. It’s an AU scene after the break up/Camille’s mental meltdown/her kissing Jim in a moment of illness and confusion.

Yes, there’s a chance she WOULD have gone to Neil in her state. She feels so unwanted at the moment and his manipulation was really getting to her. Awful or not, attachment happens even to people who are abusive. I actually wrote an AU scene where she skips school all the same and goes to him instead of Jim finding her first. It was more of an exploration to prepare for the Camille & Neil convos I had coming. I preferred what I did by a mile, but this helped me feel out Neil and Camille’s relationship and her turmoil and honestly I put a lot of my own isolating thoughts into it. I’m…terrified to post it and still going slow, but I figure if I get more terrible anons, I have double the support from good friends. Also figure it’s relevant to how I feel now so I’m sharing.

So here it is below, be warned it’s uncomfortable and leads to the Jim kiss and there is heavy, heavy gas-lighting and some sexual references from Neil’s bullshit mouth. The FOIL between Jim and Neil is so stark, I wanted to highlight it. It’s not rly edited, I just pulled it. Thanks all.

Open Wound

    Camille swept snowy slush around her feet while a fresh coat fell. Dainty little flakes that stuck to dirty sleet as if to hide it away. Loch Nora was smaller than she recalled. Rollerskating up and down the street when the wind was warm and flowers in full bloom.

  Edna snipping roses to pot some around the house interior. A smile and wave at her floating girl. Stuck close to make sure Camille was safe.

  “Bullshit.” Smoke swelled out from red lips. A cigarette flicked toward the mass of frozen dirt that used to be the Harper house. She remembered Billy bleeding out in her lap and the fire that ate everything in sight. It was beautiful at the time. Now, she and Billy bled separately.

  Kids around here say they can hear moaning and weeping from the plot at night. Camille felt like she was watching herself. Like she was a soul and no body. No skin, no muscle, no bones to rattle from the cold. It was all far away. Her car swerved along ice when she parked near Cherry Lane. More so in the forest.

  Camille Harper was desired around town. Not wanted. That bleated. But, there was one soul who wanted to play.

  Billy would be at school still. Susan at her morning shift in the perfume department. It was a roll of the dice. Camille felt her entire being stretch to wrap around the town. Around this Earth. Cold air puffed and snow began to crunch too loud for any sound to get in.

  Neil knew why she’d come the moment he saw her shaken and wide-eyed there. Red and loud against pristine white snow. No innocence. He was wrapped in a winter coat. Ears prickling pink. Gloved hands swept snow from his truck with a plastic scraper.

  “Camille Harper.” Neil pretended to be blasé about it. Brushing snow and ice with short swipes. Flecks melted on his front.

  She seemed drunk. Half here.

  “Do you see me?” That flitting tone shrunk. He hitched like he might laugh, lip twitching.

  “Yes, Camille, I do see you.” Neil forced his eyes from her expression to the car. A beat. One hand clicked the passenger door open. She stared. He could have said a number of things about how she was trembling and frosting over. Better to come inside where it’s warm and sound. Camille lingered still at the opening and felt red lights blare.

  “Don’t get into that car. Just come back to school.” Billy said behind her ears.

  Billy didn’t want her anymore.

  She crossed with ire. Climbed in. Neil stood there with one hand on the door while she looked ahead.

  “It’s important,” he took his frosty glove off and reached to buckle her in, “that you’re safe.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Hargrove.” Camille gave a dreamy sigh. Didn’t remark that his arm was still over her lap, palm resting on the seat.

  “You’re very welcome, Camille.” He stepped back. “Neil is fine.” The door shut.

  She didn’t hear the car start. Didn’t feel it move. Didn’t even process the music or heat turning on.

  “You’re upset.” He noted. Threw a brick into the silence. Camille turned her head toward his profile when they took a left.

  “Are you hurting him badly again? What did you do to him?” She rasped. “Billy. Do you want to hurt me too?”

  “I don’t want to hurt anyone.” Neil sat back in his seat. Shrugged like he might be thinking of what groceries to buy later.

  “He’s different. Bad different,” she decided. “Worse different.”

  “Listen, Camille, I’ve known. This whole thing between you two. I imagine you both learned a hard lesson from it. It’s for the best. Billy was never good with secrets. My boy was never good with much of anything. Pretty girls for one. And you’re the prettiest of them all.”

  He made it sound like such an apology.

  “Where are we going?” She asked finally. Tried not to choke.

  “Moving here, I’ve gotten to know some fine people.” He said instead. “Everyone knows each other and do they love to talk.” Neil laughed. Hearty like a dad. Something vulgar about it. He touched his mustache in thought and came to a red light. “You’ve been crying.”

  “I’m fine.” A quick reply. Sharp and airy at the same time. Camille stared through him. Not at him.

  “I see you, Camille.” Neil set his elbow to the little pull down rest between them. One hand on the wheel. “You lost your parents. I lost mine when I was younger too. I did this, you know? Acted out. Tried to replace them. Learned I never would, but that didn’t stop me trying for awhile.” He parked on main street and cut the engine. Few shops still open from Starcourt taking business away.

  “It’s okay, you know, to look.” He clicked his seat belt off, faced her. “You’re all shaken still. I make you that nervous? Do I not make you feel safe, Camille? You got into my car.”

  And she couldn’t take that fact back. Another chill rushed.

  “I’m upset.” She admitted, felt like for the first time. “I miss the way things used to be.” Neil tutted, caught a tear with his thumb and skimmed down her cheek. Edged the corner of her lips. “I miss my mom and dad.”

  She sounded like a baby, face crinkling. Head tipped to the rest. Fingers clutched at his coat. Neil’s lips lifted as he shushed every little weepy sound. Patted hair.

  “There there, you’re too pretty to cry like that.” Neil eased, tipped her chin up in a way that was encouraging. “You feel safe here. You got into the car with me. I can make it better. Ask me to make it better, Camille.”

  She blinked at him. Really considered it because no one fucking wanted her except one red light that blared and readied to consume her. She felt Billy lick the shell of her ear and utter, mutilate. Syllables caught and Neil sighed when she slipped down, bowing her head as if to pray before him.

  “Shame. Stay here.” Neil slipped away to get out.

  “Wait,” a hand snatched his wrist on instinct. He was looking not at her face, but at the hand on his skin. “Where are you going?”

  “Girls like hot chocolate, don’t they?” Neil smacked the door shut after locking his car. Looked around. Camille covered her face and quivered. Those red flares burned her flesh. She glanced outside and saw herself with Robbie. Too young. Him offering her an ice cream cone.

  She took it. Smiled. Licked.

  She should have just screamed.

  She should have screamed now too.

  Neil returned and offered a to-go cup that steamed. He didn’t buy any for himself.

  “Take a moment and drink it.” Neil turned his car back on. Heat kicked up. Camille steadied her breathing enough to sip. It went down all chalky. Hair stuck to pink cheeks. “Police Chief can’t replace them, can he?” Hands smoothed his tie.

  “Jim is nice to me.” Her back hunched like she was avoiding a crushing blow.

  “Man has quite the reputation. Nothing that should be near such a nice girl.” Neil only shrugged, blue eyes lifting. “Unless, maybe, you’re not a nice girl. Painting your lips so he sees them. Dressing the way you do. Does he like to look at you?”

  “I-”

  “Do you like it when he looks?” Neil almost smirked, it flashed in his cold eyes. “You want him to pat your pretty head and kiss your cheek.” His palm cupped her face. The free hand took her cocoa away to set it aside. “Has he touched you?”

  “What?” Camille reeled back. Neil’s hand came to her knee. Everything locked up.

  “Have you shown him things? Hm, Camille? Taken your clothes off for him so he can see you too? Good girls don’t do that.”

  “We-”

  “You want a big man to kiss you all better. You want daddy to sweep you up.   Make you feel good again. Don’t you, Camille? You just want to feel good again. I understand that too.”

  She twisted, reaching for the handle when the lock came down.

  “Camille, don’t make a scene,” came his chiding, “I think you’re being very unfair to me right now. We’re just talking. I’ve been nothing but kind to you. Aren’t you safe here? Am I going to hurt you?” Neil’s grip on her knee clamped down. She wanted to scream that he hurt Billy. His family. Scream that he was the dirty monster. “You got into this car all on your own. Face it, you asked for me. Say it.”

  “It hurts.”

  Camille didn’t know what exactly was hurting. Everything. Nothing. But, it was an open wound she kept picking at.

  “There’s a place, you know.” Neil’s hand left her leg. The ability to function swept air into desperate lungs. “A place I could make you feel better. You wouldn’t have to do anything. Unless you wanted to. I’d take care of it. Don’t you want to be safe and secure again?” Wet clumpy lashes fluttered shut. “No, you stay right here.” Neil grasped her shoulder to shake. Eyes opened.

  “I see it. I see you.” He sounded so nurturing. “I see what made my damn son so crazy. You do these things to men, you know?”

  Neil laughed again. Camille felt him sucking the air from her. The pang of a jackal’s teeth sunk into her heart.

  An answer was upon the tip of her tongue.

  “Camille?” A muffled knock on the window. Neil’s play cut, he reeled from her quick. Detective Callahan looked less dopey staring there. He gestured for the window to roll down. Camille grew petrified.

  “What’s going on here? The Chief got a call. You skipped school.” He peered behind her. “Neil Hargrove?”

  “Afternoon, officer.” Neil’s smile dazzled. Camille stared at Callahan all paled and tearful. Never seen Phil this serious in all her time working at that station. “Ms. Harper was wandering the street. She’s a friend of my family. I worried. I was about to take her right back to school. Poor girl just went through a bad break-up. It’s my fault, I figured a nice cup of cocoa could solve anything.”

  Camille felt Neil’s warning hand on her back. Knew Billy would pay a price later if she didn’t lie right now.

  “Isn’t that right, Camille?” He chirped too cheerfully.

  “That’s right. I’m feeling better now.” She turned to Neil. “Jim must be so worried about me. I want to get home to him. Right now.”

  His brow twitched.

  Neil hated her and those red lips.

  “I got her from here,” Callahan didn’t thank Neil. Just took Camille’s hand and led her to his own vehicle. Neil stared the entire time. Waited until they drove off before he threw the cup outside with a spatter and sped away. “Camille.”

  “Is Jim at home?” She cut.

  He sighed.

  “Yes, he’s not happy about this.”

  “Oh.” Camille looked at the icy trees. Cracking against harsh winds.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Fine. Fine. Tired.”

  “Why did you skip school? This isn’t you.”

  “Yes, Philip,” Camille sniffled and faced him with red eyes, “it is.”

  They pulled up to the house. Camille felt fear flood.

  “Go on, he’s waiting for you. Don’t skip school again, Cam.” Phil offered. Tried to be careful about it because she was breaking.

  “Thanks for the ride,” Camille got out. Saw her car pulled up. Jim must have gotten a buddy to tow it over. The door opened and Jim crossed his arms there. Already aflame.

  “Skipping? Leaving your car in-”

  “I know.” Camille locked the door. Put her head down to go around him. “I just…needed to get away. All right?”

  “No, it’s not all right. Do you have any idea how worried I was?” Jim’s tone lifted. “I need to know that you and El are safe at all times.”

  “Well, we’re not.” Hands jabbed out and fell. “Can I go to my room now?”

  “Callahan radioed that he saw you in Neil Hargrove’s car.” Jim grasped her arm. “What’s that about?”

  “It’s nothing.”

  “Camille, I know how that guy is. Just talk to me. Let me help you.”

   You can’t.

  “He didn’t force me into the car.”

  Admitting that made her feel like trash. Jim saw her bottom lip wobble and let go. He rubbed his scruff and turned to sit at the head of the kitchen table. Covered his eyes when irritation twitched.

  “You need to understand that you can’t run off like that. It’s not safe. It’s a risk. We don’t take risks. I know…what happened with Billy is hurting you. I can’t watch you-”

  “Are you mad at me?” Camille crept to the table looking insecure. Hands pulled to her stomach.

  “Yes, Camille, I’m actually furious with you.” Jim’s hand smacked down. Caused her to jump. “Running away from school when there are people after you, I thought the worst!”

  “Don’t be mad at me, Jim, please.” She welled and came to his left side. “I can’t stand it when you’re mad at me.” Hands lifted. Heart pounding. Red lights scorched now. All she wanted to do was smother them out. “It hurts when you’re mad at me, let me make it better. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please, don’t be upset.”

  No one wants me.

  I’m not a nice girl.

  “Camille, it’ll be okay, just…don’t do this again.” Jim cocked his head with an easier sigh, lifted his eyes to see her too close to him. He opened his mouth to continue before bright red lips fell upon his.

  Begging.

  Tears wet Camille’s cheeks as she took his jaw and opened her mouth. Moaned. Tried to deepen the kiss instantly, but Jim muffled a gasp of shock. Jerked up and away so quick that the chair skidded to crash into the floor. Camille was still looking at him with her hands lifted aimlessly, huge hazel eyes shining.

  “I…I thought…”

  “Camille, Jesus Christ, what was that?” Jim wiped his mouth and saw red smeared on his hand. His own gut twisted. He looked like she slapped him. Guilt that maybe he led her on pooled. “You can’t do things like that.”

  Camille burst into tears. Covered her face and crouched down on wobbling legs like she might collapse.

  “I’m so stupid,” she cried. Jim recovered and came down to her level. Felt a cringe back into the wall the second he touched her.

  “Hey, Camille. Just breathe for a second. Talk to me.” Jim was too good. The open wound bled out. He managed to get her into his warm arms.

  His girl was confused. Trying to hurt herself. He knew the pattern well enough. Tears wet his uniform. Camille pressed her cheek into the cool metal badge still pinned to his chest. Felt his heart beat under it.

  “It’s okay, sweetheart,” it wasn’t often Jim used pet names, they made her soften, “you’re safe. I got you. Just take an easy breath for me.” Camille shuddered into his body. Clutched at him and lifted glimmering eyes.

  “But,” Camille cringed through a sob, “can you see me, Jim?”

  Am I real? Am I dirty? Are the red lights going to burn still?

  Jim Hopper had no answer. He tucked her back under his chin. Kissed brown hair. Squeezed Camille so tight. Until she stopped crying and berating. Until she could breathe once more.

  “You just…make me feel safe,” she said, “I’m sorry.” Jim nodded and rubbed her back. “Are you still mad at me?”

  “No, I’m not mad at you.” Hopper looked at the patterns in the wallpaper behind her. “You’re hurting. I just…can’t watch you hurt yourself more, Camille.”

  “I’ll try to stop.”

  “Promise me.” Jim’s own voice cracked.

  “I promise.” She closed her eyes. Exhaled Neil Hargrove out of her skin.

  For a single beat there, Camille Harper felt the wound might be able to close.

UTAPRI DISNEYLAND HEADCANONS!

Pardon me while I indulge myself, unload my mind and project.

Warnings ahead: Extremely long post, OOC, self-indulgence, shipping mentions, rare pairs (all characters aged up but nothing nsfw is here), Disneyland ‘spoilers’ , mentions of mental illness/causes of mention illness (Reiji, Ichinose, Aine, etc), not a dark post though, fluff, 

Ai:

 Mom mode activated

 Everyone has specific, custom glowsticks so you can find everyone at night no problem

 Also everyone has to wear GPS bracelets that allow Ai to track them in case anyone gets lost

 He downloaded a mental map of the parks 

 Literally never lost, knows where everything is and the fastest way to get there

 Faster than the Disneyland app by 73.2% (ok for real though I had almost no issues with it when i was there??)

 He knows all of the secrets

 All of them

 Blurts out a bunch of random trivia and info he found while researching (which makes him fun to be with!!)

 Then asks why it's important and has to have it explained to him

 Snacks and water every 2 hours

Natsuki:

 The actual child

 Ai insisted on tethering him to a harness+leash after the aquarium fiasco

 Also must have someone keeping an eye on him at all times

 Outprincesses the Princesses

 where's tinkerbell

 more of a fairy than tinkerbell

 goes to bibbidi bobbidi boutique and gets pixie dust (glitter) sprinkled in his hair)

 the BEST character interactions

 insists on eating all the food so he can remake everything when he gets back

 somehow finds his way into the kitchens and poor syo is a victim

 Poses everyone before all the photos

 Must go on the fastest/scariest rides 6 times in a row

 Always has hands up and is laughing in every ride photo

The cutest, most magical expressions in all their pictures

Masato:

 Brought the snacks and water

 Helps Ai give them out on schedule

 Also has bandaids, bug spray, sunscreen, hats, sweaters, spare shoe inserts, spare clothes

 Has 2 bags in bag check and carries around an oversized backpack all day

 LOTS OF BUG SPRAY

 "masato there's not really a lot of bugs here"

 Insists everyone calls the minute that they're done rides if they separate

 Also insists on breaks midday

 Ai agrees

 Really interested in seeing all the shows, parades, etc and making this a learning experience

 Also wants to go on as many tours as possible

 Buys everything for Mai!!!

Video calls with Mai so she can see!!

 Holds Ai's hand during fireworks

Syo:

 we'RE noT taKinG breAkS

 he has this D O W N

 he trained for this

 he made everyone else train for this

 This boy is getting everything done.  Everything.

 Fainted when he realized how much there was to do

 Probably asked for Ai's help to make a schedule so they could get everything done

 Is the first to deviate from the schedule the minute they're through the gates

 Designated FastPass runner

 Coordinated everybody else's outfits

 "do you think we can get on a parade float"

 Boardwalk games!! He wins everything!!

reluctant to leave at mid-day squad

later really glad they left mid-day and is happy to sit by the pool squad

Otoya:

 Absolutely the most excited for the trip until they got there

 Is now overwhelmed

 Really interested in the music

 Seriously he pays attention to everything in the background and hums it the entire time

 He's so inspired for new songs now

 Designated photographer

 All his photos are blurry

CARS LAND!!!!!

 Winds up just running for FastPasses with Syo instead

 (i got kinda shippy with syo/otoya on ideas but ill resist)

Ichinose:

 Pulled more allnighters than necessary (sometimes with Ren) to plan and book everything but nobody knows how much they put into it

 Original daily routines, flights, reservations, packing lists, everything was started by him and Ren (until Ren started to favor sleep after two weeks)

 At first it’s all super simple but then he starts overcomplicating it and when he's in the thick of it he can't stop and has to solve every potential problem

 (no problems wind up happening)

 Reiji discovers him one night and shuts it down (and then took over/shifted some stuff to Ai who would be better suited)

 He and Masato were then in charge of buying items for the trip but Masato started overplanning/over worrying so he took over

 Park bags? Got them. Ponchos? Thank him. Waterproof phone protectors? You got it. Chargers? Lots! Trading pins? Preordered online

 Also really thinks hard about everybody's individual needs and concerns and is worried about everyone not having the best time ever

 This boy is S O  F T 

 He was also in charge of meal plans (until they got to the park and Ranmaru started hearing about all the food and took over)

 This boy has not slept since they first decided they were going and hasn't done a single thing he wanted to do the entire time they're there

 So crowds are a thing and he's now crashing

 Reiji pulls him aside and they wander off to get some drinks and probably to Tom Sawyer's Island (very quiet! beautiful nature views!) and just... be in Disneyland

 Really deep conversations while looking into New Orleans!

They ride the Mark Twain together and drive the boat too!!

 Reiji takes him through all the shops on Main Street and they spend hours in the art gallery

 Also they sit on the disneyland railroad and just go around the park 400 times? (he likes the parts in Splash Mountain, also the show scenes)

 He and Reiji get caught in one of the 'bandit' shows where their train is 'robbed'. He's annoyed at first but has fun.

 Is now just the designated ticket/pass/autograph book holder. Probably safely storing everyone's passports in his luggage too.

Camus:

 Does not appear interested in this adventure. At all.

 Until one night he orders Cecil awake at 3AM to do a bunch of research for him and does not say why

 Nobody finds out until the day of, but he's upgraded EVERYTHING. First class jet, upgraded rooms, premium viewing for shows, etc

 Probably managed to book an entire section of the park (or even an entire park) for the group

 Also he just wanted information on every treat in the area

 He wants to try EVERYTHING

 He knows where all the best sweets are (don’t be fooled a lot of the food/treats are d i s g u s t i n g) and all the specials for the season

 Contacted ahead of time to have special treats made for each of them that represent them and are then delivered during their dinner as a surprise

 Do it right or not at all

 Don't half-ass things

 This means nothing. I care about none of you

 "peasants"

 he's smiling

reluctant to leave at mid-day squad

later really glad they left mid-day and is happy to sit by the pool

Cecil:

 "whats that"

 O H

 NOW HE'S VERY EXCITED

 Marathoned every movie  EVERY movie for months with everyone

 TAKE THIS BOY TO THE PARADES

 ALSO ON THE TEACUPS

 ALSO MUSICAL CHAIRS WITH ALICE AND HATTER

 thinks the princesses are actually princesses

 charms them all

 Was not amused at waking up so early and obeying Camus but learned a lot and is surprisingly well-versed in the park

 Knows where everything is and what everyone is doing at every point in time

 "has anyone seen x it's been 4 hours" yes he knows where they are

 Also Ai would wake up halfway through his planning sessions and stumble across Cecil and they'd wind up planning together

Really cute early morning planning sessions before work

Cecil falls asleep on Ai’s shoulder

 This is when he finds out about Ai

 He changes into full-on rainsuit for water rides 'for ai's sake' and makes ai do it too (ai is confused)

 He and Ai huddle together under an extremely oversized raincoat (or refuse to get on water rides altogether)

 But if they're getting splashed he dramatically sacrifices himself for Ai

reluctant to leave at mid-day squad

later really glad they left mid-day and is happy to sit by the pool nap squad

So inspired by all the lights and costumes

STARISH is now getting led costumes

Also quick-change costumes (tear-away to reveal a second outfit!)

Skipping/running EVERYWHERE

singing the entire time

Ren:

 This boy takes forever to get ready in the morning

But he’s one of the first awake and helps Ai & Masato to parent everyone out of bed

There’s an ongoing joke that the three of them are married

Maybe they are

Did so much more for this trip than anyone realizes

Suggests they split off several times during the day so everybody can enjoy what they want to

Probably winds up taking over photos after seeing Otoya's

 They're much better

 Insists on hiring professional photographer though

 Don't tell anybody but he pulled all-nighters to get things planned out with Ichinose

 Coralls everybody in for the afternoon breaks

 “Time to relax in the pool” initiation squad

“yes you have to shower before we go back”

really glad they left mid-day and is happy to sit by the pool squad

Reiji:

 "we're riding indiana jones ten times in a row kids" take me with you

 haw yee

 This boy has the most flamboyant hats and you can spot him from a mile away

the worst for being tacky

But also at the same time really charming and cute somehow?? 

But don’t tell him!

 Doesn't voice anything he wants to do, wants everyone else to have the best time.

 Insists on surprise kiss pictures with everyone

 Scrapbooks everything at the end of the trip because it was some of the best memories he had with everyone

he probably cries over the pictures because they mean a lot to him

 Ai finds out about the scrapbook and helps out

Is surprised for the following Christmas when everyone pulled together to make matching sweaters & ornaments for the whole group for a group picture for Reiji’s sake

It’s now a tradition

It’s his favourite tradition

Ranmaru:

 Here for the food

 Or so he thinks

 Winds up liking the rides a lot though

 Probably the one everyone hangs onto when they're scared

 super protective of ai on rides

 throws himself over ai on several occasions to prevent him from getting wet

 this is a good boy. ty for protecting the precious robot

 Last to wake up and first to head home but b o y does he have the most fun

 hell to pay the one day masato forgot to pack a banana

masato still feels bad

 (reiji to the rescue to prevent meltdown though)

unintentional cat naps with cecil during the mid-day breaks

either they’re cuddling

or cecil wanted to watch a movie and they wound up falling asleep while ranmaru was playing with cecil’s hair

he didn’t realize he swears

he just missed relaxing with a cat

cecil says nothing

Bonus!

Aine:

 at the bottom of the finding nemo ride

 bye

378

For a change. I love Internet people for never running out of survey ideas.

Just say what you think of (doesn't have to be one-word answers) when I mention these. Quick, simple, just for fun. Curtain: I remember a story JM told us of when he nearly burned his house down when he was younger - he was flying paper airplanes but not without lighting the tips on fire. One of the planes landed on the curtain and I think it burned that particular room pretty bad or something. Door: I have a door to my right at the moment. It’s brown and I know my dog is waiting outside because I can hear his paws. Shoe: We went shoe hunting yesterday for Joacky, because he wanted a pair of the Nike Cortez. It’s widely popular in the PH right now so even though we visited like 7 shoe stores yesterday, we weren’t able to find one in the color that he likes. Pants: I finally got a pair of mom jeans yesterday and I can’t wait to wear it for school. I’m tired of wearing the same bottoms. Wig: I attended a workshop a few months ago where the speaker disclosed that she has leukemia, and she took off the wig she had been wearing the whole time to show us her head. I also remember the RuPaul Stans part of Twitter because they say ‘wig’ all the time...

Makeup: Kate made me her subject last Thursday and she played with my face and put makeup on it. Ended up feeling really pretty because she did a pretty awesome job. Instagram: I snubbed Instagram for the longest time but thought that a ‘one-pic-for-every-day-of-the-year’ dump account wouldn’t hurt, so I made one of those for 2019. My photography skills are absolutely nowhere to be found, and my gallery is super haphazard, but I really want to make an effort to store memories this year. YouTube: Hmm first thing I thought of was PewDiePie. I subscribed to the dude when he had like 60,000 subscribers eight years ago and only had a couple of Amnesia montages up. I always feel like a proud momma/early bird whenever I remember how far and how big he’s gotten since. Life: Exhaustion, mainly. It’s gonna start snowballing by next year when I graduate. It’ll be nonstop from there - facing the prospect of coming out to my parents, graduating, getting a job, getting my first credit card, moving out, paying bills...it’s all very exhausting, exhilarating, exciting, and overwhelming to think about. Chili: Gabie and I had Japanese for early dinner last week, and I was a little weirded out by the restaurant because each seat had a red chili pepper on the placemat? I’m talking every damn seat in the place??? Idk if it’s some sort of good luck charm for the owners but it made things very slightly unsettling hahaha. Cherry: There was a WWE Diva named Cherry like ten years ago who had the gimmick of a 50′s chick, I think...I was never quite sure what her character was supposed to be, but she had roller-skates every time she went to the ring and would sometimes wear outfits with polka dots so I thought she was pretty cute.   Neil: Armstrong. Haha I was going through Reddit awhile ago when I saw a video of Buzz Aldrin punch a dude who went up to him and said that the moon landing was a hoax. Not exactly Neil Armstrong but still a good story. Drive: I like watching car chases. It’s almost...therapeutic when the suspect crashes or loses control of his car and finally gets caught. Murder: I never got into How To Get Away With Murder. It’s too fast-paced for my life. I feel like I’m the only person who doesn’t understand legal concepts because so many people are able to catch up with this show even if Viola Davis speaks a thousand words a minute and they’re all really deep words??? Idk HAHAHA. I watched like two episodes and felt super dumb after. Ice cream: OMG I hate a la mode desserts. I’d eat anything, but I wouldn’t eat two separate things with different textures. Get your ice cream away from my brownie. Water: I can’t wait to go back to the beach. Hard: Hammer? It was the first image to pop up in my head. Anne: Harry Styles’ mom is named Anne hahaha the Directioner in me jumped out, sorry not sorry. Cow: There’s this video that went viral a few months ago of a girl who was playing the accordion; all of a sudden this adorable herd of like 15 cows come running up to her and just intently watch the kid. Wholesome af. Frog: Frog legs are served in some Philippine provinces. Tastes like chicken. Cheese: My lactose intolerant ass will grate half a block of cheese (exaggeration, but you get the point) for my spaghetti. That’s the only way to enjoy pasta. Bowl: Can’t really think of anything except that bowl cuts look so cute on babies hahaha. Television: Is something I never use nowadays unless I’m staying over at a hotel. Other than that, I cannot tell you the last time I held a TV remote control to change the channel or something. Skull: There’s an episode of Friends where Phoebe brings home a skull and nonchalantly sets it on the table where Monica, Rachel, and Chandler were hanging out. Chandler goes, “Pheebs...skull?” Phoebe says, “Yeah, it’s my mom’s,” and Rachel shrieks until Phoebe clarifies that her mom owned the skull, and that the skull wasn’t of her mom. Underrated segment. Rachel’s mini-meltdown was hilarious. Seasons: I had to watch Rent for film class several months ago. Terrible movie. Cemented my dislike for musicals. This is what I remembered because afaik this is the musical that has the minutes song. Language: I can speak two and can understand some archaic/modern Spanish because they conquered us for 300 years and subsequently ruined my country. Trump: McDonald’s. An international embarrassment. Chocolate: We found this AMAZING Chocnut spread at the mall yesterday. I had my initial doubts - I thought it was gonna taste like a cheap Nutella rip-off. But it tastes exactly like Chocnut, just in the most perfect spread-y form. I plan to finish the entire jar just with a spoon. Stove: I’m terribly afraid of using any and every kitchen equipment because I have a big fear of setting the house on fire. I only ever use the stove when I’m deathly hungry and I have to make something by myself. Toy: My family recently went to a kid’s birthday party that had giveaway bags with toys inside, but seeing as we’re all teenagers now who had no use for it, it was earning dust in the house. Now, the Philippines is abound with street children so when we went out yesterday, my mom gave the bag to a couple of kids who were knocking on our car. I know I’m not supposed to romanticize the situation, but they had the biggest smiles when they realized what they got and I saw them playing merrily at the side of the street and even invited some other kids to join in. Again, not glamorizing it - I’m just happy they were happy. Video: I could never run out of things to watch on YouTube. It’s one of my favorite websites, especially when bouts of depression have to happen. Kiss: It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, IT WAS ONLY A KISS. Glass: The glass section of department stores always creeped me out. One wrong move and you can knock a whole shelf down, and the ‘You break it you pay for it’ signs all over the area don’t help at all. Light: Light and queen come together in this survey and all I remember is Lightning McQueen. Queen: ^ Moon: Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Moon river, wider than a mile, I’m crossing you in style some day.  Blue: My organization’s color is blue, so I have a soft spot for blue. Cream: I like soups that are creamy. I say this because my sister had ramen yesterday and it was so oily and salty and fatty and creamy and ugh I loved it. Dead: The Misfits. They’re more horror than death, but still. Purple: My great-grandma loved the color purple and I remember when her house used to be peppered in purple stuff. All her dresses were purple. I’m fairly sure it was the reason why it was my favorite color as a kid. Lace: Underwear, hahaha. Cardboard: Gabie was munching on sunflower seeds when I picked her up last week. I’ve never tried those, so I asked for some and I said it tasted like cardboard. I’ve never eaten cardboard but I would imagine that that’s what it tastes like. Elephant: Majestic. Deserves to be saved and properly cared for. Harry: One of my fave members of the royal family. He’s so precious. Leather: Is bad. Paisley: Isn’t there a country singer with this name? Italy: Pasta and stuff. Joey Tribbiani. Immature: I saw the gun girl Kaitlin-something on Twitter because she got viral again for a dumb-ass tweet she made. She posted pics of herself in the snow and tweeted “Look at all this global warming,” like seriously America??? Wtf do they teach y’all in your schools?????? Crime: Raisins in cookies. Angel: I had a friend named Angel - talked about her a lot in old surveys. She migrated to Canada when we were 12 and I haven’t seen her since. We do follow each other on Twitter but all she tweets about is K-pop so I had to put her on mute. Great memories with her. Boil: When I read this tweet aloud in my head, what I did think of was Charles Boyle from B99. Key: Key lime pie. Never tried it, but I’m always down to try anything. Sacrifice: The Catholic schoolgirl in me remembers the crucifixion because textbooks and teachers would overuse the phrase, “Jesus sacrificed his life for our sins” or “God sacrificed his son to save the world,” and all those cheesy lines. It’s as though the Bible’s favorite word is ‘sacrifice.’ Larry: Punk and AJ’s dog is named Larry Talbot. Dog: ^ Psychology: I took one psych elective last semester, but the prof was average at best so it didn’t really win over the course as a whole to me. Psychology was one of my ‘what-if’ courses so at the start, I was excited about taking it - but the class that I had was just so boring and the prof gave tests that were way too hard for otherwise fairly easy topics, so I quickly ran out of enthusiasm for the class. Rag: I hate touching rags. Especially wet ones UGH. Sun: Hate it, unless I’m at the beach. Lips: My friends dragged me to the makeup section of the department store last week and there were rows upon rows of lipstick testers. As someone who’s never purposely browsed for makeup, I ended up swatching like 20 shades on my wrist and looked like a five year old who doodled all over her whole left arm. Cage: The UFC ring, because it looks like a cage. Alarm: I had/have several alarms set on my phone throughout today to tell me to start working on various deliverables. For example, I had an 8 AM alarm to work on my J 196 paper; then from 8:30 AM I had an alarm to compose letters that I needed to write as my org’s secretary; then at around 10 AM, my alarm was for finishing up my readings for Kas 154 (short for kasaysayan, which means history). Official: I have a batchmate from high school who just got engaged...she was honestly one of the weirder ones back then so as much as I didn’t want to judge, it was hard to take it seriously at first, but it’s whatevs. I have no business in her life and I’m happy she’s happy. King: I finished my history readings this morning and there were so many mentions of kings. Lost: That show. The general consensus is that they ended the show crappily, but other than that I know nothing about it. Dating: There was once a dude who joined a dating show. Ended up being a serial killer. I forgot his name though. Balm: I was at a Korean store yesterday and saw an array of lip balms and glosses. I was never much of a makeup girl but the collection they had was just so cute, it made me think if I should start investing in makeup as well hah. Tomato: Ketchup is my second least favorite condiment after mustard. Game: Hmmm I downloaded a bunch of new game apps on my phone because I recently realized that I’m so boring??? and I only have social media on my phone??? I got ten new apps to make my phone more alive haha. Lotion: Is slimy, but smells nice and makes my skin smooth and look better. I got two hand creams for Christmas last year and it was then that I knew I was getting older because I was genuinely excited to try them both out. Expensive: Everything is. Powder: Reminds me of babies. The smell calms me down so well. Cross: I was shopping for clip-on earrings yesterday and there were several designs with crosses on them, which just reminded me of Christianity and it kinda peeved me for like 3 minutes lol. History: My favorite subject. I’ve never been so excited to be dumped on with such a thick stack of readings until this semester. Sex: Haven’t had it in a bit, too busy. Rainbow: We watched a film called Rainbow’s Sunset, which was really promising because it told a story about two men, both very old, and are lovers. In a traditional, conservative, poisonously Catholic country such as the PH, it’s a very bold move to produce a feature film that tackled such a horrible, taboo, horrifying thing (please note the sarcasm/mockery). We didn’t escape the guffaws and the loud ew’s whenever the two leads would kiss, which was sad. 

Anyway that’s not my point and what I really want to say is that the film was ultimately terrible, it was terribly-executed and it portrayed gay men in such a cheesy manner which in the long run, probably contributes to the continuing negative image of LGBT people in the Philippines. Gab, the bigger film buff between the two of us, felt so offended by how bad the movie turned out to be lol. Bay: Bayley, from WWE. She was a huge star like 3 years ago, but I think the bookers ultimately fucked her character up and now she’s stale. I feel so bad. Seth: Seth Rollins, also from WWE. Also very attractive. Pepper: I had okonomiyaki for lunch yesterday and there was like a thicker chunk of pepper that made it to my plate. Didn’t particularly enjoy that bite. Necrophile: Katie Vick. Google it to believe it. Wrestling is fucking dumb. Gravel: Funnily enough I do have a memory for gravel. Akeelah and the Bee was one of my favorite movies growing up; I watched it so many times that I had chunks of dialogue memorized at one point. One of the first scenes had Akeelah joining her school’s spelling bee, and one of the kids spelled grovel as g-r-a-v-e-l. He couldn’t understand why he got it wrong so the judge had to tell him that the word ‘grovel’ actually exists and what it means. Deep: I had a mental picture of the ocean when I read this word, so there’s that. Stephen: Hawking. Bucket: Chum Bucket. Hahaha Spongebob forever. England: Rugby? Grown: I always use the term ‘grown-ass’ haha. Spell: Spelling was one of my favorite activities in grade school and I would always score the highest in spelling exams. Kind of led me to my favorite job of proofreading/copyediting, really. Bark: My dog barked at nothing for five whole minutes a couple of days ago and it was hilarious. I shot two minutes of it. Long: Trees? Fan: Pamaypay, or hand fans in English.

Australia: First things that came to mind were the Sydney Opera House and Vegemite. Iron: Gabie’s nose bled last week. It wouldn’t stop flowing out of her nostrils and it smelled like rust for a good 15 minutes while she was trying to wash all the blood off, so it didn’t exactly help my case as someone who’s squeamish to death at the sight of blood. Melt: Chocolate. Beanie: Too warm for this country’s climate. Wax: Candles. Vigils. Burning your finger. Staying up all night to pray. Catholic school. Disease: Zombies. Resident Evil. Cannibal: The band Cannibal Corpse. Tried to get into them because Punk listened to them but it was too heavy for me. Flight: Airplanes, flights, vacations, away from everyone, nothing to worry about, good food, fighting with my siblings for the window seats. Porn: People be having weird fetishes sometimes. The thumbnails I see on websites...some of y’all crazy. Pot: I thought about how college life is so crazy. People would sell brownies or cookies with weed in them IN SCHOOL, meanwhile I still don’t even know if weed and pot are the same or if they’re two different things ohmygod HAHAHAHA I’m so sheltered wow I’m hopeless?????? Style: Taylor Swift and that subtle shade to Harry. People were shookened five years ago. Floss: Pork floss is really good. Star: There was a local celebrity who recently tweeted a pic, supposedly of a tiny tiny star that was beside the moon at like 5 AM, and she was asking what it was. Someone replied that it was Venus and explained what she just saw for her. Super cool. Nate: I don’t know anyone named Nate. I DID, however, remember the Naked Brothers Band. The older brother is named Nat, so it’s close enough. Soft: Pillows are soft. Orange: Hayley Williams’ hair 11 years ago. Witch: Philippine superstitions and how crazy and obsessive Filipinos can get. My mom, one of the most rational, no-nonsense people I know, scolds me every time I mock witchcraft or what we call ‘kulam’ cos she believes something will happen to me if I do. I’m all for honoring our mythology and traditions but sheesh, not to the obsessive extent. Mound: Ants. Root: Gabie used to watch this show where she shipped two girls named Root and Shaw. Oil: Massages. Hot: Deserts. Disc: Childhood, blowing on it to make it work, double-sided discs for longer movies, if a disc had scratches expect it to die soon. Soil: Plants. Planting trees. Muddy. Ugly: That scene in Spongebo where Patrick tells the story of the ugly barnacle. “Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The end,” which didn’t help Spongebob who at the time was feeling super ugly hahahahaha. Sugar: Maroon 5. Also, my grandma used one particular jar for sugar throughout my entire childhood. It’s plastic, it’s clear, and it came with a red-orange lid. I’d often eat sugar on its own so I saw that jar quite a bit and it gives me a sense of nostalgia. I’m not so sure if that’s still the jar being used in the old house. Bone: Ribs :( Been craving for some. Sigh: Air??? I don’t know. Throne: Game of Thrones. I had to watch a 26-minute documentary of a GoT production for my broadcast management class. It’s insanely hard. So much respect to everyone involved in its prod. Calendar: I’m secretary for my org, which means that I always have to update everyone about our calendar of events. Carpet: Fancy. Flesh: The Walking Dead. Cement: Dangerous. Vow: The movie with Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum. One of my guiltier pleasures. Sweet: Desserts. And now I’m hungry.

5.5 Recap

This is for @seven-dragons since she did the same for me when I was in purgatory at my mom’s house out of town and did not have an Internet connection. In case the title does not make it obvious, this post is full of *SPOILERS*

The show starts off with Ethan Young, a Jehovah’s Witness knocking on doors, or ‘witnessing.’  Apparently, the hatred of having random people knock on your door in the middle of the day is universal.  He keeps getting the door slammed in his face, which lets us see he has a bit of a temper. He runs into the victim and it is obvious they had planned to meet about something, but the victim tells him to come back later (he’s angry too).  Some people, who turn out to be the victim’s niece and her husband stop by the house and find Ethan, covered in blood and kneeling over the victim’s body.

*Roll credits and awesome DBM theme song*

Lucien joins Charlie in the victim’s work shed. The victim’s name is Vern, and he is a retired carpenter who was stabbed repeatedly...as acted out by Lucien.

Back at the Police Station, Charlie and Lucien interview Ethan. Ethan tells them Vern was still breathing when he got there, and insists he tried to find something to stop the bleeding. When asked why he was looking all creepy and kneeling over Vern’s body when the niece found him, he tells them he was praying for Vern because he had not been able to convert him.  He did tell a little lie during the interview, but it’s really not that important.  I did learn more about the Jehovah’s Witnesses during this interview than I have ever learned before, so that’s something. This show is so educational. 

Funny Scene - Alice is not in the morgue when Lucien gets there, so he starts without her.  Alice is NOT happy. She actually seems wounded that he started his talking to the dead body bit and didn't wait for her. Anyway, they find a weird fragment in one of the wounds.  Lucien makes sure it is okay with Alice if he brings it home to test it, which is kind of sweet. 

*Going to pick this up a bit or this will take forever*

Charlie and Lucien go to the niece’s house, where the main takeaway is that her husband is a hot tempered jerk.  

Back at the police station, Ethan’s mother is having a meltdown. Her friend and ride to the station, a guy named Percy, tells Lawson that he worked with Vern. He also tells Lawson that Ethan is his apprentice. Ethan’s mother, who needs a serious intervention about her overuse of rollers for her bangs - is scaring the crap out of poor Ned. Important takeaway, Ethan’s mother is a bit on the high strung/pain in the ass side. She is not happy they are keeping her son locked up and insists on spending the night in the corridor.

Lucien visits Ethan in the cells to make sure he is okay. I love these scenes, where Lucien shows compassion to people who probably have not received much in their lives.  Charlie interrupts them to say that Lucien “better come quick” because he is needed at home.

HUUUUH? What happened?

Jean burned her arm because she thought she saw someone outside....a hot potato accident.  Lucien is concerned about her seeing this someone, but she just shakes her head and says she was not sure anyone was there. We get to see Lucien bandaging her arm, and Lucien apologizes and acknowledges that the divorce and the business with the church must be weighing heavily on her mind. Jean seems touched that he has noticed, but insists she's fine and he needs to go back to work.

Lucien and Charlie are back at the scene of the crime to see if the killer could have murdered Vern and escaped in three minutes. The important thing about this scene is that Lucien has rubbed off on Charlie, who is now acting out the crime scenes too. Oh, the murderer could have killed Vern and escaped in time. Also, there are some discrepancies which leads them to believe that the killer looked for something that was hidden in the work shop. They do find a bag from a bakery and over 2000 pounds hidden all over the place. 

This leads them to a secret gambling ring, which is this week’s red herring.  It seems like Vern was murdered because everyone thought he was cheating them out of money.  The big thing we learn is that gambling brings out the worst in people and the niece’s husband is still a big jerk. The most important thing we learn is that Lawson’s dad was a gambler and he was not much fun to live with as a boy.

Rose drops by the house and Jean’s spidey senses tell her that something is on Rose’s mind. Turns out Rose thinks she is pregnant with Charlie’s baby - it’s ultimately a false alarm.  Rose isn’t exactly excited about something ruining her career.  The BIG REVEAL - Jean was pregnant at 19 before she married Christopher.  She had a miscarriage and it was a girl.  She never told anyone else and felt her miscarriage was her punishment for their transgression against God. Will she tell Lucien at some point?????

Charlie gets hit with a tool box by the niece’s jerk husband, but the husband runs into Lucien who pushes him down like he is a feather lite bowling pin.  I’m skipping over a bunch of gambling stuff.  

Jean and Lucien are back in the lab and Jean is being all sciency again! I love how Lucien is teaching her all this lab stuff. They identify the fragment that was found in Vern’s neck as copper.

Uh Oh, Jean is talking to Father Emery again.  Jean tells him the whole history of the Mei Lin ordeal and Father Emery seems to sympathize with their situation, but stands firm on the position of the church. Jean tells him she needs to hear him say it. He tells her she has to choose between Lucien and the church.  When Jean says she doesn't think she can make that choice, he tells her to ask God for guidance.  Greeeaaaat. Thanks for the help Father!  Actually, he does seem sad that Jean is in this position, but he kinda works for a company that has really strict policies, so his hands are tied. 

Charlie and Lucien search Vern’s house again.  They find a lot of things that lead them nowhere, but Lucien works out that Vern was illiterate (comes into play later).  They also find a secret savings account for his niece.

Back to Ethan’s mom’s house. I was hoping they were interrupting the Rollers in the bangs intervention, but the people were just Jehovah’s Witnesses. 

She tells them Ethan is working, which leads them to find him impaled and bleeding.  Lucien has to assist in surgery, and uses saline instead of giving him a blood transfusion due to Ethan’s religious beliefs.  I was surprised and a little impressed that a man who seems to have such little respect for religion, would still respect another’s beliefs so much. That’s our Lucien though. We also get to see Lucien in scrubs as a bonus.

Cute scene where Lawson helps out the niece. They thought she was skipping town, but she was actually running away from her jerk husband. Lawson, who understands what it’s like to live with a compulsive gambler, basically tells her to leave town while her hubby is locked up.  He also gives her the bank account info so she has money for her and her kids.

Jean drinks Lucien’s whiskey again. And, Lucien kisses jean before leaving.

FINALLY! The scene we have been waiting for happens with 10 minutes left in the show. Lucien finds a patent for an electric drill that would have made Vern very rich. Percy shows up and Lucien does his big reveal about Percy being jealous. Percy thought he should be included on the patent too. Ethan told Percy he was helping Vern with he paperwork for the drill, which is why Percy tried to kill Ethan.  He needed him out of the way.  It’s just like the other episodes, where Lucien explains the mystery to the murderer. Buuuut, unlike the other times, there are no police officers waiting in the wings. Oops. Percy stabs Lucien, but Lucien bashes Percy over the head even after he was stabbed. Bravo Lucien.  Lucien has to use his own pen as a chest tube to release the pressure of a tension pneumothorax. Just before blacking out, he sees the silhouette of a man in the doorway. First Jean, now Lucien.  Munro perhaps?

Although I was really hoping we would see Jean find out about Lucien getting stabbed and see her all worried before he regained consciousness, the bedside scenes were very nice and intimate.  When Lucien wakes up, he says, “Ah, Ive missed dinner haven't I?” The best was Alice though. She was soooo excited about Lucien using his own pen as a chest draining tube and wants to ask a bunch of questions after he wakes up. The look Jean gives her is priceless.

Also, as Charlie is walking out, Lucien says goodnight. Charlie calls him boss. His reply is “Night boss.” Ha

Just when you think that Lucien is about to drop some serious bad news (music and all) after he tells Jean there is something he needs to tell her, he just says he is a throughly bad patient. They giggle and then Jean basically tells him he needs to be more careful, that she almost lost him that night. He basically says he will be more careful by replying, “Understood.”  I am a thousand percent certain that he will not change at all.

All in all, this was another wonderful episode!

The End. Thank god. 

The Right Place - Chapter 12

Finally getting to a point where my Tumblr posts are almost caught up to AO3 and FF.net. Only one chapter behind now. (Phew...!)

I'm calling this the transitional chapter as I'm going to start wrapping up this tale now that we know who was behind the robbery and a small portion of why. You'll see that Emma's focus is definitely going to be catching the bad guys and getting home.

Tumblr:  Prologue/One  Two  Three  Four  Five  Six  Seven  Eight  Nine  Ten  Eleven

Wednesday afternoon, Portland Medical Center

Trying to be polite and to ensure she wasn't going to further impose on Regina, Emma sent a brief message advising that she and Deputy McCallen were on their way back, making it to the hospital's front entrance by noon. McCallen dropped her off with a promise to try to get some sleep himself before returning later that day for another overnight shift. He also assured her that he would contact her if he received any news from Sgt. Haviland or if the sketch artist called him back to schedule a time to work with Killian on a composite drawing – although Haviland's suggestion that they look into Leviant Construction employees first seemed a prefect place to start.

With a cordial smile directed toward the deputy assigned to guard duty, Emma pushed open the door to her husband's room to find that Regina and Henry had moved both of the chairs over to the window where they sat quietly conversing. A quick glance to her right revealed why as Killian lay soundly asleep on the bed. They must have been concerned that they'd wake him.

"Made it back in plenty of time," Emma announced in a soft voice aa she made her way around the bed. "If you hit the road now, you'll make your 2pm spa appointment easily."

"I already postponed it until 3 just to be safe," Regina replied curtly. "Henry, please get your things together."

"Everything's right here in my backpack," the teen responded.

"Fine. Why don't you say your goodbyes then and we'll be on our way back to Storybrooke. Doesn't look like your stepfather is going to wake up though." Looking up at Emma, the Queen continued with an explanation. "They brought him in about twenty minutes after you left but he hasn't even twitched. Didn't have to do much of anything to keep him company and in fact, I doubt he even knew I was here."

"I wouldn't have thought that X-rays would wear him out so much," Emma began, beginning to wonder if there was more to the story. "He did have a pretty active morning, so maybe everything just took its toll on him."

"Well, I've got to get back to town. Keep us posted on what's going on down here. When do you think you'll be back?"

"Not really sure," Emma replied. "No one's really discussed a release date but I'm hoping we'll get some answers today so I can figure out when I'm bringing him home, although I still might need to travel back here to help the investigation…"

"Because you don't have enough work on your plate in Storybrooke?" Regina asked snidely, her suddenly snippy question catching Emma off guard.

"Because I can help catch the people who attacked and tried to kill my husband," Emma replied, taking the defensive and nearly matching Regina's tone. "I intend to see this case through. Why is it all of a sudden such an issue?" Henry hung back silently as what had been a normal conversation between his moms escalated drastically and he wasn't about to get caught in the middle. It was an awkward, tense position for the young man so he was relieved when the Queen backed down with a loud, emphatic sigh.

"It's not an issue…," Regina relented. "I'm sorry – I just really, really dislike hospitals. There's a reason my curse put certain people into them… Just get back home when you can. I'd much rather have my regular, magic-wielding sheriff on duty…"

"I had no idea you were bothered by hospitals," Emma responded. "I wouldn't have asked you to stay if I had known."

"It's fine. After all of the awful things I've done, the least I could do was suck it up and babysit your pirate for a few hours."

"Thank you. I'll be back as soon as I help put these guys behind bars."

"I gather you at least have a lead on who his assailants were?"

"We do."

"I suppose I could whip up some truth serum if you think that would help?" Regina offered.

"Not sure that would stand up in court, but I appreciate the offer," Emma smiled, thankful that the brewing tension had broken before Killian woke and got dragged into an argument. "You two better get on the road though. It was starting to cloud over like it was going to rain…"

"Better rain than snow, I guess," Regina sighed. "Come on, Henry. We've got to get going."

"Okay, Mom. I'll meet you at the elevator. Just want to have a moment…"

"Of course," Regina said as she collected her black wool coat from the back of her chair and started walking toward the door. Henry waited until she had stepped into the hallway before turning his attention back to Emma.

"I'm sorry I snuck into the Bug yesterday," he apologized.

"It's okay, Kid. You're still in trouble for not obeying me, but for now, you're forgiven. I'm kinda glad you did it because I'm not sure how I'd have held up if I'd have been here alone."

"Tell Killian I'll see him back at home in a few days and we'll work on getting the Jolly Roger back home too."

"Okay, I will," she snickered as she hugged her son. "Guess I'd better go track down the nurse to find out how things went this morning…"

"You'll let us know what you find out and when you're coming home?"

"As soon as I know anything, I promise to let everyone know. Now – you'd better go before Regina has another mini-meltdown. Sounds like she's anxious to get out of here."

"Okay, Mom. See you in a few days." He tossed his backpack up onto his shoulder and grabbed his own jacket off of the closet doorknob before disappearing out of the door, leaving his mother standing in the middle of the room wearing a lopsided grin. She didn't move right away – just stood there thinking about what she needed to do next, but her motivation had drained away. She finally dragged her chair back to Killian's bedside and let herself sink down into it as she watched him sleep.

"It's just you and me now, Pirate," she smiled as scooted as close to his side as she could get without actually disturbing him – close enough to hear the hiss of the oxygen passing through the narrow plastic tube stretched across his face and the slight whistle his lips made as he exhaled. His head lolled in her direction as his eyes barely opened to slits – just enough to acknowledge that his wife had returned. He managed to give her a very drowsy, fleeting smile before closing his eyes and drifting back into slumber. "It's okay. You just sleep. I'm going to go find Jackie…"

The updates Emma received from the redheaded nurse were decidedly mixed. His X-ray images – once they managed to get them done – showed significant improvement. Most of the fluid was gone which drastically decreased his chances of developing a severe bout of pneumonia but they'd had an awful time getting any clear images due to another coughing fit - one that led to him inevitably retching until he was physically exhausted. He'd been so miserable that he agreed to a sedative so he could sleep through the remainder of the procedure – which ultimately proved a success and also pinpointed the likely cause of his lingering fever – an abscess that had formed beneath the sutures on his back. With him already sedated, a surgeon was able to reopen the incision and drain the grape-sized abscess before it grew any larger. The wound had been sutured closed again and the doctor had ordered a more aggressive antibiotic in hopes of staving off any redevelopment but the prognosis was very positive.

The best news Jackie had provided was that if his fever broke and his temperature remained in the normal range for at least 24 hours, Dr. Wallace had advised that Killian could be discharged as early as Friday. He obviously wouldn't be permitted to return to deputy duties for a couple of weeks, but at least he could go home. Emma chuckled a bit at the minimum two week window he was being given to return to work since she knew it wouldn't be necessary at all as soon as they crossed the Storybrooke town line where she could properly heal him.

She couldn't wait to share the news with her husband once he woke, but for now, she was going to take advantage of this time to locate something to appease her growling stomach as she remembered she hadn't yet had breakfast. There must be something available downstairs in the cafeteria that she could grab and get back here before the sedative wore off… Killian was bound to be full of questions, not that she had a whole lot of new answers for him, but no matter what, she wasn't tackling it on an empty stomach.

Waking to a piercing bright light, Killian knew he was no longer in the darkened chamber where the ginger nurse had left him for the X-rays. He didn't remember much about the experience save for having another bloody fit of hacking until he vomited, but after that, events became a little fuzzy. He recalled feeling extremely tired and now as he awakened, there was a renewed ache in his back, almost as if he'd been stabbed once again. A small measure of relief came in seeing proof he hadn't imagined that Emma had returned to his side when he'd stirred briefly earlier, but he found himself now wondering precisely how much time he'd lost track of as he stretched out his legs and inadvertently startled his wife.

"Damnit, Killian…," she exclaimed with a breathless giggle when his sudden movement caught her unprepared. "You're going to give me a heart attack!"

"What time is it?" he asked, oblivious to her flustered response.

"It's after one. Heard you had a bit of a rough time down in Radiology…"

"It would appear that way – although I can't say I recall much after the bloody coughing returned with a vengeance. Did anything good come of it?"

"As a matter of fact, it did," she replied, moving from the chair to squeeze her hips next to him on the narrow bed. "They said your lungs look good for a man who nearly drowned a few days ago. Most of the fluid is gone so they're less concerned about pneumonia developing and they also found what's been causing your fever – you had an abscess forming beneath the sutures on your back. They were able to get it drained and stitched back up while you were unconscious."

"That would certainly explain why I feel as though I've been run through once again…"

"I'm sure we can get you some pain meds for that but at least the good news is – if your fever breaks and stays away, you might get to go home on Friday!"

"Another two days here?" he grumbled, clearly less enthusiastic than his wife over the prospect of being discharged.

"It's not that bad – and it will give us some time to work with McCallen and Haviland to take down the men who put you here."

"Then allow me to go after them…," he growled. "They won't get the best of me again…"

"That's not how it works and you know it," she warned. "At least we have one advantage at this point – Donleavy doesn't know you survived. I don't think he put two and two together to believe that you might be the John Doe found on that island beach. Like you told me – you were too far from shore. He believes you drowned and certainly wouldn't have had the slightest idea that you'd been rescued by a powerful witch who this realm doesn't even believe exists. It gives us a slight edge, but it won't for long. As soon as we start asking questions, it will start raising eyebrows which is why I'm taking you back to Storybrooke as soon as I can…"

"No," he replied firmly, almost surprising her with the degree of conviction in his voice. "I intend to be part of seeing this through and I won't be pushed aside. I know what one of the robbers looks like – the rest of you do not."

"And we're working on that. Sgt. Haviland is going to try getting photos of Leviant Construction employees for you to look at because we think it could be pretty likely that he hired someone he already knew for a little side job and both McCallen and Haviland are trying to get an available sketch artist to come work with you to develop a composite drawing. We're not trying to push you aside, but I want to make sure you're safe."

"I'm staying here – with you – until that man and his partners are captured."

"This isn't the time to be stubborn, Killian. Even if they release you, you still won't be completely healed. We don't know exactly how dangerous this man could be and I don't want you diving into the fray when you're still wounded and possibly might get hurt worse if something goes wrong…"

"Then you take me back to Storybrooke, heal all of this with your magic and we return – together."

"And how do we explain to McCallen and Haviland that you're suddenly showing no signs of injury?"

"I could feign enough discomfort to be convincing. Wouldn't be the first time… Either way, Love, it's for me to decide. I'll try to stay out of the main fracas, but I'm not leaving Portland until the man who attacked me is dealt with," he chided and she could tell from the steely cast to his blue eyes that his mind was made up and there would be no backing away. "Now, onto the next – what else have we learned since this morning?"

"Why do I even bother attempting to reason with you?" she lamented, shaking her head in mock disgust as he grinned, leaning in closer to her and nuzzling his nose into the nape of her neck, playfully nipping at her right ear as her unruly blonde locks tickled his skin. He somehow managed to find a method to break her resolve and no matter how much she wanted him to stay out of this, he'd won this battle – even if she couldn't actually see the smug, satisfied smirk he wore as he relished his victory. "Fine – but we play this by the book – got it?"

"Of course, Love," he grinned, planting a kiss against the exposed skin behind her ear.

"Then I guess you'd better listen up, Pirate. We've got a lot to cover."

She took approximately twenty minutes recapping her conversations with Sgt. Haviland and Jean Scott to bring her husband up to speed on what they knew of the ferry terminal project and Leviant Construction's pursuit of Ms. Scott's property and likely others in the area. (Intentionally omitting McCallen's confession as she felt it wasn't the time for that revelation nor did she feel it was pertinent to the investigation) Killian found the company's desire to purchase the property somewhat confusing as his understanding of a construction firm was that they built structures onto existing plots of land that they didn't necessarily own themselves. That anomaly was what Emma herself had been hung up on as well as she couldn't get beyond thinking that the new ferry terminal, being built on the same site as the existing one where the harbor had been properly dredged to accommodate the large vessel, wasn't adjacent to the sites that Leviant appeared interested in. The properties close to the existing terminal would seem to be the more valuable locations for development if this was solely about potentially selling the acquired land back to the city for any expansion projects. So then why were these more distant properties being targeted? Price?

She was even more eager now to learn what Haviland might uncover at City Hall because something just wasn't fitting. They had nearly all of their puzzle pieces laid out before them, but a few glaring omissions remained. Hopefully, Haviland would also come through with those employee photos so they could learn if the unmasked robber was amongst those ranks because she was finding it increasingly difficult to maintain her patience when they were so close…

So close…

Killian had been uncharacteristically quiet through lunch, eating the soup he'd been offered slowly as his brain pondered what their next move should be. She knew he was still harboring a little irritation that she'd wanted to exclude him from the rest of the investigation and not allow him to be involved in the capture of his assailant and she certainly reciprocated the emotion as she'd prefer he just stay out of the way so he wouldn't get hurt again, but it wasn't lost on her that were their positions reversed, she wouldn't be able to willingly back away either.

She'd taken a few minutes to think while venturing to the cafeteria to purchase her own lunch, automatically selecting her favorite comfort foods in attempt to clear her mind. She fought the temptation to just eat here where she wouldn't be distracted and wouldn't feel as though she were taunting him with the aroma of real food, but she was harboring just enough vindictiveness that she decided to eat her grilled cheese sandwich and golden fried onion rings right in front of him – not that he'd give her the satisfaction of jealousy. He didn't particularly care for her favorite foods so it wasn't near as enjoyable as it might have been when she flipped open the lid of the white foam takeout container and inhaled the savory scents of onion and cheddar – eliciting a surprising burst of laughter from her husband.

"Swan – I swear there are times when you look at a sandwich with more lust in your gaze than you bestow on me!"

"Food is love too, mister," she reminded him, trying to ignore his cajoling and simply enjoy her food now that it was clear her tease hadn't had the effect she'd intended. Damnit – he'd gotten under her skin again, she thought as she choked back a giggle. "Now quit it – you're going to make me laugh too hard to eat my food. You just enjoy your soup…"

They were both chucking like fools when Emma's phone chirped loudly to alert her of a newly received message. She set the foam container onto the nightstand before fishing for her cellphone.

"Duty calls?" he asked, pushing away what remained of his so-called soup which really was little more than chicken broth with a few spoonfuls of rice added. He was anxious to discover if it was an important message.

"It's from McCallen. I figured he'd probably still be asleep so something big must have come up…" She tapped on the electronic screen a few times, opening the text message the deputy had sent. "Says Haviland uncovered something interesting and wants us to meet him later this afternoon. They'll be here around four to discuss it."

"Good," Killian stated. "I hope it's something relevant enough to hang Donleavy."

"They don't hang people anymore," she reminded him, "but we'll soon find out." She tapped out a reply rapidly, acknowledging that they'd received the message. "Okay – I let him know that we got it and will see them in a couple of hours. Now – we wait…"

My Favorite What If - Part 2

Masterlist  -  Part 1

Summary: You run into your childhood friend Steve and wonder if you’ve missed out on a good thing.

Prompt(s): for @tatortot2701 ’s AU Writing Challenge!: “Please don’t tell me you got arrested again.”

Warnings: swearing, very very vague allusion to abuse

Word Count: 2987

Author’s Note: I don’t know team. I queued this when I posted the first and I’ve been dreading today all week. I am just not confident in this parrrrt. I’m having a meltdown. The floof. The angst... I just don’t know. Thanks queen bee for helping me figure out how to bring this monstrosity to an end @denialanderror.

Driving has always been cathartic for you, and somehow last night you found yourself making the 3-hour drive back to your hometown in the hopes of pushing out the memories that kept creeping into your head. Obviously this is the last place to run from the past, but maybe it’s time to face it so you could finally let it go.

The heady scent of breakfast wafting into Steve’s room has you rolling out of his childhood bed, offering Sarah a rueful grin as you trudge to the table. Not much had changed here; almost everything looks the same, even if they move just a little slower. You reach for a plate and begin serving both of you while Sarah’s reaching for coffee mugs.

“D’you drink coffee now, hun?” she asks.

You only nod with a mouthful of bacon already clouding your judgment, making you feel too comfortable again, too at home. Knowing you’re in for a long day of gardening and lectures, and that you should really call her son back, and that your life is still waiting for you if you ever make it back from the past, you drop your face into your palms.

When the cupboard snaps shut you rake your face up through your fingers watching with a growing smile as Sarah uncorks a small bottle of whiskey and pours a healthy portion into each mug of coffee. She tops each off with a dash of cream and sits beside you without a word, sliding one over to you.

“Mrs. Rogers!” you balk, “Now I know why you never let us drink the coffee when we were kids!”

“It’ll stunt your growth,” she winks as you shake your head in disbelief, taking a grateful sip. “But I think you must need it today if you’re sneaking into my house again at your age.”

The rest of breakfast passes quietly, as does the first hour of pulling weeds. You’re just starting to think that maybe you hadn’t screwed up as badly as you thought and it could maybe all go back to being okay when Sarah finally breaks the silence.

“So are you going to tell me what you’re doin’ here?” she probes, “Or is this your apology for disappearing on us for the last 3 years?”

You sigh, sitting back on your heels, aimlessly pushing the dirt around in front of you. “Both, I guess?”

“Please don't tell me you got arrested again,” his voice crackled through the old station payphone. Payphones. You always called Steve because a) it was safe to call him, b) he always answered, c) his was the only number you knew from memory anymore.

“Only a little,” you teased, earning the tiniest scoff. You sighed, “It was a bullshit charge. They've dropped it and released me. I just need a ride, Stevie.”

It was risky to use that nickname. He loved it because you were the only one he let use it but it seemed to rub him the wrong way when you were dating someone. You knew why. Neither of you dared to talk about it, though.

Your latest “date” was a real charmer, as you'd explained in your police report. But you always seemed to find guys like this, and you always seemed to find yourself in just enough trouble to be familiar with everyone in town. Too familiar a face meant your credibility card had worn thin this time and the police had picked you up in the mess, too. Nothing you weren't used to.

You needed to get out of this place, out of this town, this life. That realization hit you like a runaway train while you sat in the passenger seat beside Steve, the night air turning cool, raising bumps along your skin. You'd fallen into the dreaded cycle, and were becoming the statistic all the posters on the police station walls warned about. The realization made you sick to your stomach and you begged Steve to pull over.

Holding the door through the open window, Steve crouched beside you lightly running his fingers over your back and murmuring what comfort he could find. He watched you with the quiet sadness that came from years of idly witnessing you self-destruct, of begging to let him hold you up, while you stubbornly held him at arm's length.

You lifted watery eyes to that soft, concerned blue and pleaded with him. “Stevie, let's run away.” He took a long slow breath. You could read the same lecture as always in his shoulders and couldn't bear to hear it. Not this time. Not again. “C’mon let's just go, say goodbye to all of this. I'm tired. There's nothing for us here.”

“That’s not the way to get out of here,” he answered in a quiet rumble. “Let’s get you home; get you cleaned up and we’ll figure something out.” He knew better than to try to reason with you like this. You’d feel better in the morning. His mom would make breakfast and drag you to the garden with a lecture as penance for the visit to the police station and by dinner you’d be feeling more… stable.

You pressed your eyes closed for a long moment, unwanted tears gathering at your lashes. Steve wiped them like he always did, pressing his forehead to yours, begging you to see that he was trying to get you out. He was going to go back to law school in a few weeks so he could take care of his family and still get out of this small town that swallowed generations whole. He begged you without actually speaking, like he always did, like he had done since you were kids, to wait for him just a little longer and he’d take care of you, too. He begged you to let him. Just fucking let him.

But you took a shaky breath and a quick sniff and rocked your head back, locking yourself away and bracing for the next repeat of the past. Like you always did.

“Can we go get my things from his place first?” you asked, too angry and embarrassed to make eye contact again, sliding back into the seat. “He’s still in lock-up, it’ll be easier now.”

Steve nodded softly but didn’t say another word. Neither did you. No one spoke as you gathered your things, silence winning out as Steve surveyed the carnage of yet another of your failed and volatile relationships. No one spoke when you followed him into his home instead of your own or when you curled up with Steve again, leaving the extra bedding Sarah left out for you folded neatly in its place.

You didn’t say much the rest of the summer either, and Steve left for school with a heavy feeling in his chest. When he returned at Thanksgiving, you were gone and you hadn’t said anything then either and it fucking hurt.

“Well go on then,” she urges, dragging you back from the complicated memories drifting through your head.

You squint up at the sky for a moment, trying to force your chaotic web of thoughts into some sort of order that you could possibly communicate. “I saw Steve,” you begin reluctantly, unsure how to say any of it, “...in the city. He looks really great. Seems like he’s doing great.”

Sarah nods, but you can tell she’s holding back. Whether that’s for your benefit or because she knows something you don’t, it’s hard to say. “He’s got a great career going there,” she concedes.

“You don’t like his girlfriend?” you ask, a little too quickly, too interested.

“Girlfriend?” She turns to you wiping sweat from her creased brow and a tired smirk. “Honey, he’s not seeing anyone.”

“Maybe you haven’t met her yet,” you mumble, turning your attention back to the garden. “She’s pretty. Very… big city posh. I’m sure he doesn’t tell you everything.”

“This is my Steven we’re talking about,” she deadpans, waving her trowel lazily, “I would know.”

“Oh really?” you taunt, “Did you know he made out with Peggy Carter in your Chevelle the first summer everyone came home from college?”

“He didn’t have to,” she grins, “I could hear you whooping at them from your porch at 1 in the morning.” A burst of laughter erupts from some deep and forgotten corner of your chest, while you shake your head at the memory. “But he told me about Peggy when he told me why he was late for curfew.”

“God he’s such a goody-goody,” you whisper.

“He’s good for you,” she insists, catching you off guard, “and you make him happy.”

“I’m not good enough for him,” you mumble, stabbing at the dirt, “You should’ve seen him in court, Sarah. He’s so smart, and confident, the handsome lawyer taking his girl to nice lunches… You raised a good man. He looks happy.”

She’s silent, but you can feel how she wants to scoop you up and hold you tight like she did when you were a kid. But how do you protect a grown woman from the angry voices she’s internalized all her life?

You don’t raise your gaze from the dirt you’re attacking with your trowel. “There’s no place for me in his world anymore,” you mutter, voice breaking before you wipe at a tear cruel enough to betray you.

“Funny, I always thought I was the one who didn’t fit in yours.”

Your eyes flutter closed and your hands still at the sound of his sure, deep voice. You’ll never forget that voice, even when it’s breaking your heart.

“The hydrangeas can wait until tomorrow, honey,” Sarah urges you quietly, gently resting her hand on yours before rising to greet her son with a gentle squeeze to his shoulder on her way back inside.

You still haven’t moved, can’t bring yourself to look up, not until those damn tears promise not to escape. “What are you doing here? How did you…?” you barely manage to sputter out half a sentence through lips trembling with years of emotion.

“How could you think there isn’t a place for you?” he asks, each word dripping with incredulity. You’re not sure when he’d knelt beside you, studying your face while you can only stare straight ahead, an uncomfortable buzzing rippling across your skin with every word.

Your name in his low timbre and the back of his knuckles gently running down your arm finally bring your attention to his face. His eyebrows drawn together, so genuinely confused, those kind eyes peering at you like it was his heart breaking and not yours.

“I… I just. I saw you at the restaurant and I kno--”

“No, I’ve been trying to call you, that wasn--”

“It doesn’t matter, Steve,” you interrupt him, shaking your head and lowering your gaze again. “You’ve worked your ass off for the American dream, and you finally have it. Back then I thought maybe if I…” you take a deep, shuddering breath and this time Steve gives you time to get this out. “...if I made something of myself, you know? Did something good, made it on my own I’d be good enough.”

“No, sweetheart,” he all but whines, letting his fingers steal over the side of your neck.

“I was really excited to see you,” you smile briefly before the heavy struggle returns to your eyes. “Thought this was finally maybe going to be it for us.” You shake your head ruefully, letting your face fall away from his hand.

After a moment Steve shifts closer, your name on his lips, he turns your face to his with both hands resting on your collarbones, thumbs urgently holding you there so you’ll finally listen. “I’ve been chasing after you since we were teenagers! You’ve been my best friend since I met you; you are more than enough for me.”

“Steve, you don’t have to--”

His thumbs sweep over your jaw, “I’ve always loved you and there is always a place for you in my life. I was your friend because that’s what I thought you needed from me. I thought the only way to make you see me was to make something of myself, to be your way out of here. But then you were gone. Without a word! Somehow I’d really lost you before I was done becoming who I wanted to be.”

“No, Stevie,” you laugh bitterly. “You were always picking up my pieces and I couldn’t keep anchoring you like that any more than I wanted to stay. I knew what you wanted but I couldn’t be that girl. I was afraid it would ruin your dreams for yourself. I needed to pick myself up for once.” You peeled at your nails, the shame of the memories getting the better of you. “I had to do better for myself first. For both of us.”

He gives only a small nod, still not releasing his grip on you, like he would never let you go again. “You could have told me.”

“‘Should have’, you mean?” you smirk.

He laughs, nodding and pressing his forehead to yours, slowly winding one hand further behind your neck and the other hooking at your waist.

You shook your head, still not quite comfortable with this sort of intimacy, ready to pull away, “What about--”

“It was a working lunch,” he interrupts, knowing exactly what you’re thinking. “She was a client whose deposition got moved up that day, that’s all.”

“A client,” you murmur with a laugh.

“Yeah,” he grins, sweeping his hand in small strokes up and down your side. “Can I kiss you now?”

You barely get out a nod before he’s urgently pressed his lips to yours, strong hands pulling you closer. Your own hands wind around his neck, fingers drifting into his soft hair while your lips work greedily against his. This has been a long damn time coming. Steve’s hand at the nape of your neck slides down over your back, hugging you as tight as he can against his thick, broad chest, nearly pulling you into his lap while you lose your head in the daze of a long overdue first kiss.

Sarah softly clearing her throat from the back door breaks you from your own little world with a giggle. Steve still holds you close but you break from the kiss, apparently house rules still hold.

“Some things don’t change, I guess,” Steve laughs, running his nose along the curve of your neck tauntingly gentle.

“Speaking of,” you say with a warning glance, pushing to your feet as you brush the soil from your knees.”Did you know your mom puts whiskey in her coffee?!”

“Son of a bitch!” he mutters, “No wonder she never let us have any.”

“Ooo! Stevie, don’t let her catch you talkin like that in her house!”

“I heard that, Steven!” Sarah’s voice calls from inside the house as you pulled the door open and eased inside, laughing.

“What are you laughing about, this is your fault,” Steve teases, squeezing your hip.

“Me?!”

“Yeah!” he insists “Everybody knows you’re the bad influence in this house. You’ve been here what a day?”

You pour yourself more coffee, and reach for the cream, “Keep it up, and you won’t be getting any of the special coffee.”

“If you keep it up I’ll be bringing you right back here for our date on Friday. A good old Steak & Shake date.” He beams at you, leaning on the counter with arms crossed over his chest.

“Is that a threat, Rogers?” you gape at him, setting down your mug with a loud thunk, “Because I happen to love Steak & Shake. Bucky always gives me extra fries.”

A rich laugh ripples through the room; Steve holds his chest trying to contain his mirth. “Are you telling me you want me you want me to take you on a date where you can flirt with a guy from high school to get free fries?”

“You listen very carefully, Stevie,” you point at him with a very serious look, “There is very little I won’t do for free potatoes.”

“Well in that case, we’d better get you back to the city,” he suggests bending quickly to catch you at your waist and hoist you over his shoulder, waving his goodbyes to his smiling mother.

You wriggle and holler for him to let you down, giggles betraying your attempt at seriousness, undermining all of your demands for freedom.

“Can’t have you anywhere near a Steak & Shake,” he grins, finally dropping you to your feet just beside your car.

“So you’re the jealous type,” you tease, swatting him lightly in the arm.

“I think you knew that already.”

You nod, thinking of all the times he’d glared at the less than worthy men who’d come in and out of your life. All the times he’d helped you clean up the messes you’d made with them. How comfortable and right it felt to curl up against Steve every time you really needed to feel safe and loved. Because you’d always loved him and felt loved by him. Finally you made yourself stop running from that, and it felt exactly right.

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gimmie a quick rundown of which scenes break your heart the most, i'm not sad enough and need the pain.

I love you and this is both the best and worstthing anyone has never asked me, because apparently, I have no clue what a “quick”rundown means.  I also tried very hard tonot make this entirely about Armand and… I failed about midway through. Butin my defense, can you ever be sad enough? No, you can’t.

SO HERE’S THE TOP JUST-A-BIT-TOO-MANY LIST OFHEARTBREAKING VAMPIRE MOMENTS™:

- Louiskilling the Marquis, and both his and Lestat’s reactions to it. Louis draggingLestat to his abusive father’s bed and forcing him to speak forgiveness,despite the fact that Lestat is having an obvious meltdown (“He threw up hishands and let out a terrible roar of desperation.  ‘Damn him! Kill him!’ he said.”/“Lestatdanced like the maddened Rumpelstilskin about to put his foot through thefloor”/ “Never had I seen him so weak and at the same time enraged”), thatLouis, in his lack of information, mistakes for impatience and indifference.Damn dysfunctional vampires with a thing for miscommunication.  If only there was a scene with the two of themdiscussing this in a later book, it would probably make the list too. But,alas.

Rest of the list under cut because of excessively long post that no one’s going to read:

 - Louisdumping Lestat’s ‘body’ in the bog.

“This is Lestat. This is all oftransformation and mystery, dead, gone into eternal darkness. I  felt a pull suddenly, as if some force wereurging me to go down with him, to descend into the dark water and never comeback”.

          For no other reason, but that I feelthis is the prime example of Louis’ tendency to be unable to take control ofhis life and stand up for himself and what he wants, ending up being a passive observerof the most tragic events of his life, lamenting them only when it’s too late.Oh, Louis.

-Armandlying to himself about his relationship with Marius.

“A love so strong hecouldn’t allow me to grow old and die. A love that waited patiently until I wasstrong enough to be born to darkness.”

-I don’t normally care about Madeleine, but thisquote shatters my heart on a daily basis, considering the context in which IwtVwas written.

“And cruelly, surely, I said to her, ‘Did you love this child?’

I will never forget her face then, the violence in her, the absolute hatred.‘Yes.’ She all but hissed the words at me. ‘How dare you!’ She reached for thelocket even as I clutched it. It was guilt that was consuming her, not love. Itwas guilt- that shop of dolls Claudia had described to me, shelves and shelvesof the effigy of that dead child”.

-Armandleaving Louis, unable to bear the loveless, cold partnership anymore, indespair and suicidal. Especially this part of the farewell speech:

“AndI believed I would gather you to me and hold you. And time would open to us,and we would be the teachers of one another. All the things that gave youhappiness would give me happiness; and I would be the protector of your pain.My power would be your power. My strength the same. But you’re dead inside tome, you’re cold and beyond my reach! It is as if I’m not here, beside you. And,not being here with you, I have the dreadful feeling that I don’t exist atall”.

Armand,the break-up line master. Jesus Christ.

-“Hebent down, pressing his head against my chest and holding my hand so tight thathe caused me pain. The room was filled with the flashing red light of thesiren, and then it was going away.

‘Louis,I can’t bear it, I can’t bear it,’ he growled through his tears. ‘Help me,Louis, stay with me’.”

- Theway IwtV ends in general, with no silver lining or sliver of hope. Lestat andArmand are dying, of old age and despair, Louis is continuing his existencelike a bloodless empty shell, seeing no possibility of recovery or light at theend of the tunnel, and there is no comforting cosmic reason anything is everhappening at all.  Life is pain and youdon’t even die. No wonder IwtV is such a downer to the non-initiated.

- LittleLestat being beaten bloody by his father and brothers.

-“Andwhen we decided to go to Paris, I thought we would starve in Paris, that wewould go down and down and down. It was what I wanted rather that what theywanted, that I, the favored son, should rise for them. I thought we would godown! We were supposed to go down”.

- Armandbegging Lestat and Gabrielle to take him with them and them refusing. I’m notgoing to go into details, I feel this is an obvious one.

Exceptfor these gems:

“Maybeas the years pass, desire will come again to me. I will know appetite again,even passion. Maybe when we meet in another age, these things will not beabstract and fleeting. I’ll speak with a vigour that matches yours, instead ofmerely reflecting it”.

and

“Armandwas a small boy in the doorway, holding the backs of his own arms”.

Theconsistent implication throughout the series that Armand gets cold when he’supset does things to my heart.

- Armand’sadmonition to Lestat that fledglings are bound to despise their makers, simplybecause it’s not true, or at least it doesn’t seem to be in most cases. IsArmand projecting because he’s practically almost incapable of verbalcommunication at this point in his life which makes a hindered mind gift seemlike an unsurpassable obstacle in his mind? Or is he projecting because, onsome level, he knows his relationship with Marius was abusive and probablydoomed? (Spoiler alert: probably both.)

- Mariuscalling Armand his mistake.

-Lestat hearing Armand crying after he pushedhim off the roof:

“Maybe I imagined it, his lastinvitation, and the anguish after. The weeping. I do know that as the monthspassed he was out there again. I heard him from time to time just walking thoseold Garden District streets. And I wanted to call to him, to tell him that itwas a lie I’d spoken to him, that I did love him. I did.”.

- “Uglyfights, terrible fights, finally, Armand broken down, glassy-eyed with silentrage, then crying softly but uncontrollably as if some lost emotion had beenrediscovered which threatened to tear him apart”.

-“Evenin moments of the greatest jeopardy, I knew we would meet before I would befree to die.”

Tell me again how Armand’s suicideattempt in Memnoch was out of character.

-Lestatbelieving that Daniel would have left Night Island with him if he had askedhim. So much theoretical pain.

- It’sa pity that Daniel leaving Armand isn’t technically  ~a scene, because that would make the top ofthe list.

- Everyscene in which Lestat is “haunted” by Claudia in TotBT. It’s not hard to seehow he made the connection between her and the Raglan episode, even with himnever straight-up admitting it to himself. Remember when Lestat still feltcrippling guilt for his worst actions, even subconsciously? Good times.

- David’sturning. But this is not the time to complain about this, it’s canon heartbreakappreciation time!

- Armand’ssuicide attempt in Memnoch the Devil. I’ve already elaborated on this way toomuch, but let’s take a moment to appreciate Lestat screaming Armand’s nameafter him. Take a moment. Thank you.

- Louisobjecting to Lestat being chained to the floor, but being completely dismissed.

- Theentire The Vampire Armand. I can’t let myself elaborate too much on this, as I’lljust be reciting the entire book. I can just open it to a random page and itwill probably be a Top Heartbreaking Vampire Moment:

 Armand’sobvious exhaustion at the beginning of the book, that no one seems to respect. Himscolding himself and admitting to David he feels he’s going mad. A child silentlywishing for death so hard, that Marius heard it amongst the mental voices ofthe entire city. Armand’s entire “relationship” with Marius. Armand having a breakdownat seeing religious imagery, not yet being sure why he has that reaction. Meetinghis parents, especially the broken Ivan. The “Bridge of Sighs” metaphor, Jesus.The ashes of the Palazzo boys. The whole Riccardo horror. Armand trying toconceal his scarred face from Benji and Sybelle, putting all his energy intothe illusion. The shattering feeling of betrayal about the turning of Armand’s “children”by Marius, and Armand’s conviction that it was meant as punishment. Louis beingunable to conceal his relief and joy to see Armand alive. Armand’s bitter, hurtdismissal of his relationship with Daniel as doomed from the start. Armandadmitting that Sybelle and Benji had to coax him out of depressive episodes attimes. Man, did Anne go ham on the pain in this one. Why, mom?

- Specialmention to that one time Marius beat Armand out of “frustration” at him fortaking too long to emotionally get over his visit to Kiev, probably his mostblatantly abusive moment in the book.

“‘You’ve had enough time to grieve and to weep,’ hesaid, ‘and to reevaluate all you’ve been given. Now it’s back to work. Go tothe desk and prepare to write. Or I’ll whip you some more.’”

“He smacked me across the face. I was dizzy.”

Nice going, Marius.

- Secondspecial mention to this little passage, because no one ever talks about it andit makes my heart bleed:

“ I looked off, wanting the quiet, dreamingof bowers suddenly, not in words but in images, the way my old mind would doit, wanting to lie down in garden beds among growing flowers, wanting to pressmy face to earth and sing softly to myself”.

- Thirdspecial mention to this, but only out of context:

“For all the wrongs done you, andthe loneliness you’ve suffered, and the horrors that the world put upon youwhen you were too young and too untried to know how to fight them and then toovanquished to wage a battle with a full heart”.  

- SeeingDaniel in Blood and Gold after all those years. The shock of the degree inwhich his mental stability deteriorated, not objecting to being kept by Mariuslike a child. The terrifying possibilities of how he might have ended up therein the first place. The even more terrifying possibility that it might havebeen the news of Armand’s “death” that pushed him over the edge. How Armandmust have felt about this ‘relationship’.

- I am definitely not done, and yet I’m going to stop ‘cause even I had enough.

Tl;dr: Sad Vampires.

Hint of West: chapter 1

The early sunlight peeked through the curtains illuminating the room. A phone alarm went off and was quickly turned off with sudden movement. Lara stared at the ceiling, she hadn’t slept that night. She got up dragging her feet towards the bathroom, her reflection was what she had expected to be. Her hair was messy, there were dark circles under her eyes and a new pimple was now visible (because puberty was not yet ready to leave her). She tried to make herself look presentable, when she was done she left the room going downstairs towards the kitchen. Lara’s mother was already up making breakfast along with the house maid. A good smell stormed into her nose. The round glass kitchen table was luxuriously set and there seem to be a banquet being prepared.

- Mom, I told there was no need for this -she weakly protested, knowing there was nothing she could do now.

- Of course there is, you’re going back to Korea! And we have no idea when you’re coming back.

- I told you I’d be back soon - she whined.

- Last time you said that you ended up living there for 3 years - her mother shot her a resentful look. She left out a weak laugh.

When Lara finished high school in Brazil her parents decided to sent her on exchange until classes in her university started. It was supposed to be only a year, but she fell in love with Korea and enrolled a korean university.

- Already up? - Lara’s father asked while entering the kitchen looking surprised.

- Couldn’t sleep - she said with a soft smile.

- Your brother and your sister are coming, they should be here soon - he said taking a seat beside her.

-

When they were all together having a pleasant conversation about something not related to Lara’s departure her brother decided to take the subject back to the spotlight.

- When is the opening again?

- In two weeks - she simply responded hoping they would leave the subject.

- Is your brazilian partner going too? - her sister’s husband asked.

- Yes, he is actually, but he’s going next week.

- Why couldn’t you go next week? - her mother asked and she could sense the feeling of betrayal in those words.

- As I said before, I still have somethings to get settled.

There was a brief silence while everyone continued to eat, and Lara could sense that her mother was thinking about asking something and she knew just what it was about. This made her feeling uneasy and silently praying that her mother would come to her senses and not say anything. By the time she was already feeling safe her mother dropped:

- What about that boy? Are you still seeing him? - the girl froze on her seat and hoped no one was paying attention. Instead, everyone on the table was eagerly staring at her.

- No, there is no boy - she responded coldly trying to hide her annoyance.

- I thought you were all over each other, you looked so…

- Mom…- she said sharply interrupting the other woman - there is no one. - she stated squeezing the glass cup she had in hand so tight she feared it would break. Her mother nodded in agreement.

Now the room was awkwardly silent, taking a few minutes before everyone started chatting again, but this time Lara joined in none of the conversations, just nodding her head once in a while to someone’s question. Her head was now filled with flashbacks of the past that had haunted her for long. Just now, when she thought was finally healing someone decides to take the rug where she swept under all the dirt from the past and shake it up again. As she did so often she shoved the thoughts and feelings away, unwilling to get them settled into place as they should’ve been long before.

Time passed like a slow torture to Lara and she was glad when it was finally over. She said goodbye to her brother and sister along with their wife and husband. She had missed them a lot, but these past years they had been focusing on settling their own lives and so had she, so distance was something she had to accept. Her parents drove her to the airport, her departure was hurting them and she was able to perceive it. Used to having three kids at home they were now feeling lonely. Besides the fact that they never quite accepted that she chose South Korea over her own country.

They never accepted her going to Korea in the first place. Lara remembered when they first told her the exchange idea, they were so excited to provide this opportunity even if it meant being a whole year away from them. They wanted to send her to the United States or France, or some other western country. But unlike her parents she was craving for something different, something new and exciting, something that would completely change her perspective and that would be out of her comfort zone. And she could not resist when the travel agency employee told her a there was a spot in Korea, he parents were quick to politely decline but she told she was interested. She took two full weeks to make them agree with that decision. And all the time she was asked “Why so far away?”, “Why not practice your english?”. But she decided Korea and so it was. And just like then, now she was choosing Korea again.

- Take care, okay? - the older man said with teary eyes just before she took off to the boarding hall.

- I will, dad - she responded hugging him.

- Give us a heads up, alright? - her mother was already crying.

- Yes, ma'am - as she went to hug her.

-

Lara sat on the boarding hall waiting. She was immersed in thoughts when she felt her phone buzz. It was a message from her best friend in Korea.

“r u at the airport already?” woosokie, 12:07

“yeah just waiting for my plane, try not miss me too much, be right there in no time” you, 12:08

“actually i was expecting u would not come at all” woosokie, 12:14

“i not even in korea and u r already hurting my feelings damn!!! ungrateful child” you, 12:15

“kiddin u know i love ya, have a nice flight” woosokie, 12:19

“i know, thanks text u when i get there” you, 12:19

“u know i’d pick you up, but ill be stuck in cube” woosokie, 12:23

“its fine i know, imma a big girl i can do it myself, shouldn’t u be asleep?? its late!” you, 12:25

“i should haha imma get going now, safe trip! bye” woosokie, 12:26

“good night, bye!” you, 12:27

Wooseok was one of Lara’s best friends for three years now, since when she first got to Korea. She remembered the day they met as clear as day. The young girl had just gotten to Seoul, she wasn’t as confident as she was before and wondered if she would regret her choice. Everything was so different and new. She knew exactly four phrases in korean and they for sure were not enough to help her. As she entered the senior class in 2016 she spotted a seat next to this giant (almost scaring looking) guy. The nervous girl sat quietly until people approached her, they were all over her in a matter of minutes.

It was an understatement to say she was different. Her hair was straight bright ginger falling down to her lower back, her accentuated features, sharp nose, strong jaw line and hazel eyes contrasted among the soft and pleasing features of asians.

The students were very welcoming, offering her warm smiles and even communicating to her in english. Her anxiety was relieved. But when the bell rang and it was break time her lack of confidence came striking once more. Where would she go? What would she eat? Would she be alone? She never spent break alone. She was about to have a meltdown when she felt someone poking her shoulder. The brazilian found the giant guy stand next to her (he seemed even taller), it scared her at first, which resulted in him being worried and repeatedly saying the same words that at the time she didn’t understand (later she found out he was apologizing).

When he realized she wasn’t understanding a word he said, the boy tried his best to talk to her in english. They ended up having lunch together that day with his friends and it had sealed the deal between them. She would always seat close to him and try her best not to push it (or at least look like she wasn’t trying), but Wooseok seemed more than happy to allow her in his life.

She never wondered it would’ve made it this far, but his friendship proved everyday he was the one supposed to be friends with her. They were so attached during that year that people would even question if it was just friendship.

Wooseok many times shared his dreams of being in a kpop group and being a rapper, he would tell her about being a trainee and explained how it all worked since she was clearly clueless. The young girl gladly listened to all of it. Even when he tried to hide his excitement she could feel how much passion he had and she supported him every step of the way. Whilst Lara would tell him how she was lost in life, wondering if she was doing the right thing all the time, she had no clue what path to follow and was just going with the flow. As her bestfriend he advised the best he could, but being younger didn’t quite help, even so she appreciated it nonetheless.

That year in Korea opened her eyes, she felt more mature, confident, wiser. But she wasn’t ready to go back to Brazil just yet. So she secretly applied to a korean university, she didn’t put much hope into it, she had definitely been a top student in Brazil, but would it be enough? She didn’t tell anyone, if she wasn’t accepted no one’s feelings would be hurt, if she was she would just have to convince her parents.

During that same time Wooseok was getting serious at Cube and he (along with two other members) went to her school. She finally got to meet the some of the people he was with all the time (and that she had been secretly jealous for stealing his time). She always wondered why he never introduced then to her, she even thought he was embarrassed of her, he would only tell her why several months later.

—

author’s note: oh hey! so this is the first chapter, i hope you liked it (if you did message me or like this post idk). its long i know (do you guys enjoy long chapters? let me know). just to clear somethings out: this is a future fic (2 years in the future to be exact) so the first few chapters will be longer so i can explain the past yada yada. anyways, feed me back!

Healthy Prepared Meal?

Healthy Prepared Meal?Shea Hulse - Realize Your Natural Potential

Healthy prepared meal? When I saw an opportunity for one I knew I needed it STAT!

Disclosure: This post may be sponsored or contain an affiliate link. If you click through a link and make a purchase, it will earn me a small commission, at no additional cost to you!

I don’t want to call myself cheap but I’m certainly cost-conscious. For me, I guess it’s always a list of priorities I go through. First, do I need it, then do I want it, then is the off-brand acceptable or when is it on sale.

Why spend the extra money if you don’t have to is my mentality. But when it comes to food sometimes you really do need the convenience of quick. There’s a ton of quick food out there now but very few healthy options. And even fewer that don’t cost a fortune. Until I saw this!

A healthy prepared meal service that delivers to your door?

That’s also cost effective? And tastes delicious? It’s like the unicorn of microwaveable food!

Take it from me, I’m a mom of two kids under the age of two. I mention it often because if you have ever been in a room with two little kids you already know. But my kids never leave haha.

Meals get so monotonous for me sometimes. Throw some chicken and pasta sauce in one pan and boil pasta and call it a meal. That’s what we eat like 3 times a week. Especially now that they both seem very anti-nap.

I don’t eat unhealthy food.

Not because I don’t enjoy the occasional junk food. But food is nourishment to me. I’m a super no fuss no muss kind of person. And it’s just the fact of the matter that junk food is exactly that, junk.

Food is supposed to feed your brain as well as your body and overly processed food isn’t as healthy. These are just facts. Ice cream notwithstanding because you still need calcium! Kidding.

We work out almost every day.

My husband and I actually used a live a very unhealthy lifestyle. We have since spent a lot of time learning and maintaining healthy habits as a way of life because it’s so much more rewarding.

As a result, we are hungry. Got to feed those muscles!

Personal Trainer Food for the Win!

When I saw this opportunity I didn’t stop, I didn’t pass “GO”, I did not collect $200 (Monopoly reference). Usually, I confer with my husband on everything but this was a no-brainer.

I actually surprised him with it, romantic huh? But seriously 14 already made breakfasts, lunches, AND dinners? Just pop it in the microwave and enjoy it? And all-natural foods that we look for regularly?

Either my life is very boring or I’m a simple person, one way or the other, this was the most exciting thing to have come across in a good while. And this was only one of the options too, there are other plans available, but more on that later.

And it’s really a healthy prepared meal!

I can’t harp on this enough. Since it’s geared towards weight loss it’s packed with protein. The whole diet plan is based on healthy, nutrient rich food that your body needs and will give you energy!

So far I have had the cheddar omelette with bacon, cheddar omelet with turkey sausage, frittata omelet with breakfast sausage, farmhouse omelet with maple sausage, zesty tenders, Asiago chicken breast, wild Alaskan salmon, grilled mahi-mahi, apple and gouda juicy sausage, Lima beans, Venice blend, cauliflower, and zucchini.

I mean, talk about food! There isn’t a starch because this is designed so that you lose weight. Super easy. That’s the idea, by having everything ready to go it takes the guesswork out of the equation.

I had to share!

I have been sharing with my husband because I’m kind of obligated. It’s just everything he loves and then some. For breakfast, we may have done only eggs because they’re delicious. Lunch, dinner and vegetables we have switched up.

It’s super cool because basically all of the times are 1-2 minutes that I’ve seen so far. Which for a busy mom is great. If both kids are having a meltdown and all of the sudden need me when I’m starving I don’t have to go for the super sugary snack bars! I can have food.

And just adding heating food up for dinner is so amazing because I can get more done during the day! It’s been so amazing to have that extra hour or more available to get stuff done instead of making dinner. I mentioned earlier that I don’t like spending money if I don’t have to, but time is money! Plus, in terms of cost, I’ve never seen a better price point for food being delivered.

It came in a big old box.

Yes, one giant box but it wasn’t heavy to get inside really. Inside there was just styrofoam and dry ice. Which is great because you don’t have to be home when you order it, it will stay in the box until you get home.

Personal Trainer Food Box

I think the worst part was making room in my freezer. But other than having to eat some stuff to make room, it’s really fine. You’d be amazed at how much food they send too!

They all come individually wrapped and labeled with different times for the microwave for each of them. This is great because even though I put the list of food items on the fridge, I wouldn’t want to have to reference it to know what time to cook it for. Because of kids.

Personal Trainer Food

My biggest complaint so far.

Is just that the writing on the bags can be a little hard to read but that’s not so bad. That and the bags sometimes break open in the microwave. But seriously. The instructions are literally to just microwave for whatever amount of time. How easy! Just be sure to put it on a plate in case it leaks a little.

The second thing would be the salt content can be a little high on some of the items but that’s not a problem for us, I love salt. The food really is delicious too, they pack so much flavor in there it’s crazy! I only mention salt because I was extra thirsty and if you have any condition that salt can be an issue. If it is, just be sure to opt for less salty options.

Cheddar Omelet and Bacon

There’s so much more food available than I thought!

I can’t say that I have ever tried a healthy prepared meal delivery service before but I have worked in restaurants my entire life. What that means is that I know how to make and cost out a menu as well as order the food and the necessary components that go along with it.

This means that I know how much thought, effort and care has gone into their menu! It takes a lot of time to set a menu, and the fact that they have so many great and unique items is amazing! I mean apple and gouda juicy sausage? I haven’t seen that on a menu before so I knew I had to try it and it was delicious!

Salmon and Zucchini

I won’t get too far into their options just now but hang in there for next week when I have had the chance to try more! There are even more options than I have told you yet, so just wait until I dive into all of those options and exactly how the plan works! If you can’t wait for me, you should go check out their website today at personaltrainerfood.com.

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