#queuing things like???? sucks on mobile???
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Bitter | Sam Kiszka X Reader Part 1
Warnings: Explicit language, angst, sprinkle of fluff (though smut is not included in this part, this series will be NSFW: Minors DNI!)
A/n: @dannythedog its been a minute since I have written for Sam, so here's me jumping back in. Glad you asked for some bratty, cocky smut. Because promise me when I tell you, it's coming.
Also thought it would be helpful to explain somethings about working at Starbucks for context: We have two bars (where each espresso machine is): one for drive through drinks, and another for mobile orders and cafe orders. They are usually placed next to each other. Partners are another word for employees.
Word Count: 1.9K
Summary: Working at Starbucks, you'll always run into shitty regulars, but none as beautiful as this one. Such a shame he wastes all of it by being a grade A piece of shit.
“We lose Beverly in five minutes. It’s going to get crazy and we are down a shift manager. I need you guys to stay on top of it. Got it?” Avery said, his macbook in hand to view the schedule.
Avery was the new store manager at your Starbucks location, and though you liked him, he was an outside hire and was poorly trained at making drinks and organizing the positioning of employees. To make matters worse, your shift manager was sick and Avery would have to serve as the shift for the day. He’d need more time to learn through experience, but today was the fucking worst day possible to do that. Every partner on the floor was new and lacked the confidence required to handle such a difficult task.
The funny thing is, your morning started out wonderfully. You had a full team with someone at each position; drive through times were great and tips were surprisingly high. That was, until the shift turned over and the experienced baristas clocked out.
“Y/n, you’re drive through bar. Good luck,” Avery said with a sympathetic smile. You could almost laugh at the pity in his tone, but you put your head down and got to work immediately, pulling labels out of the printer and putting them on cups. Venti Iced White Mocha. No whip. Easy enough. You pumped the appropriate amount of white mocha into the drink, queuing the proper amount of espresso shots and began steaming your milk.
“Um, Y/n. How many pumps does this get?” A partner asked as you worked on your drink.
“It’s a grande, so four, friend!” You offered, kindly. She nodded to you before completing the drink. Before you knew it, you were becoming swamped with questions that these partners should have known. It was concerning to you, because you could tell how long the rest of the shift was going to be. “So, uh. We’re out of black tea. What do we do?” Someone asked, turning to you for an answer.”
“Ask the customer if they would like green tea instead. If not, brew a new batch and have them wait.” You were getting frustrated, but you would never let your co-workers know. They were trying their best, despite the lack of leadership. Every time you looked over, Avery was busy making mobile orders, which would have been helpful if the drive through weren’t so backed up with cars ordering four or more drinks at once.
“Ahem–uh. Did you forget my drink?” Looking up from the espresso machine in front of you, a man leered over the glass, staring at you. He was unbelievably attractive; tall and thin, with long brunette hair pulled into a loose bun. His eyebrows were raised in a positively condescending expression. Instantly, you didn’t like his attitude.
“Hey there! We’re working on it right now, sir. Should be out in just a minute.” You were excellent at managing your tone with customers, but today was testing you. “It’s already been a minute, sweetheart. I’m already late.” He scoffed, sucking his teeth and showing you the time on his phone. “I’ve been waiting for seven minutes.” And? Not your fault he decided to risk being late in the first place.
“Sir, we’re short staffed and we have cars looped around the building.. It will be just one more minute. I will be sure to take care of you if you’ll just wait for me at the end of the bar.” Without another word, he sauntered off, but the feeling of guilt remained with you.
Of course no one was covering bar two, and everyone in the lobby was waiting for their drinks. You’d have to cover both bars at once. Pulling the first sticker from the machine, you prepared the next drink. Venti flat white, blonde, extra shot, extra hot, no foam, toffee nut. You think to yourself: No, Y/n. Who were you to ever think you could ever get off easy? You sigh and begin to make the drink. As the shots poured and the milk steamed, you stepped off to return to another drink on the drive through bar.
“Fuck,” you whisper under your breath. It’s a venti caramel ribbon crunch frappuccino made with heavy whipping cream, two extra shots of espresso and extra caramel drizzle. You ran to the cold bar, seeing that there’s no one available to take the drink. Of course Avery. I can do it all. No problem at all. You can go home. I’ll run the store. Shitty thoughts filled your mind as you worked on the drink. Usually, you would never assume this type of mindset, but it was unbelievable to you that Avery would have let this happen in the middle of a Saturday, one of the busiest business days for the company. You finished the drink, placing it at the drive through before returning to the drink on bar two, ‘Pretentious Asshole’s’ flat white. You finished it and all of the extra add-ins before walking it to the end of the bar, setting it down. “Here you go, sir. Sorry about the wait.” You said with a genuine smile. Though he gave you a hard time, you still wanted him to be satisfied.
“Ugh, you couldn’t even remember to ask for my name? And my drink isn’t hot like I asked for.”
Is this guy fucking serious? “I’m so sorry, sir. What’s your name so I can get this fixed for you?” You pulled out a new cup and a sharpie to write with. He watched as you prepared to scribble his name on the cup.
“Can I borrow that?” He said, nodding to your marker. You hesitated but nodded, handing it over. You watched as he dug into his impossibly tight pocket to retrieve a single dollar. Using the countertop, you waited as he scrawled with sharpie across the dollar bill. “SAM.”
Capping the marker and handing it back to you along with the dollar, he had the nerve to say, “Would have been more if the service wasn’t so shitty. Have a good day, princess.” You would have liked to jump over the countertop and deck him directly in his jaw, ruining that pretty face of his.
The rest of your shift was absolute shit, but you let relief wash over your body as you clocked out. When you took off your green apron, the worries of your shift fell away too, but the interaction between yourself and “Dickhead” Sam remained far into the evening. How could someone so beautiful be so shitty? Such a fucking waste of an irrestible face.
***
Six thirty came much faster this morning than you wanted, but you couldn’t say that you didn’t expect it either. You woke up with aching muscles and the worst case of cottonmouth. Five more minutes, you decided, setting a new timer before rolling over. You lied there, skimming the surface of consciousness for the next two minutes, deciding reluctantly to cancel the timer and sit up. As you set your feet off the edge of the bed and on the floor, gravity became your enemy as you became aware of how compressed your muscles felt. Slowly, you stood up, facing the day. Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, you stumbled blindly to the bathroom to pee, wipe the sleep out of your eyes and assess how unfortunate you’re going to look today. Hair? Frizzy. Face. Tired and pale. Great. You spent a few seconds tying your greasy hair into a bun on the top of your head, choosing to go with the easy option rather than the responsible one. On the rough mornings, you always slept as much as you could so you’d arrive at work just before seven. You made sure to lay out your clothes last night so you could jump into them, grab your keys and your purse and head out the door.
You arrived at work at 6:55. Luckily, the drive through wasn’t clogged yet. The day was young and you knew that the shift on duty would ask you to work the window because you were good at getting drinks out fast. It got busy quickly, but there was no trace of the chaos that you had experienced during the last shift.
“Good morning.” looking out the window, you see “SAM.” driving up in a black Tesla. His face was still puffy from sleep and his hair hung limply around his face and shoulders.
“Is it?” He said with a smirk. “Looks like you and I had the same idea this morning. Doing the absolute least to get out of the door.” He flashed you a beautiful smile, his eyes camouflaged by a pair of Raybans. You were learning your way around him, even if he annoyed the living shit out of you.
“I am deeply offended. I have you know, this look took me a total of thirty seconds.” You gestured up to your hair.
“I can tell, babe. Still gorgeous, though.” You were sure that you heard him wrong.
“Uh-your to-to-tota–” you began, completely fumbling the sentence. “I can’t speak today. It’s gonna be seven sixty eight.” His grin only widened as he handed you his phone.
You stared at him with an empty impression, not sure why he was giving you his phone. “Apple pay.”
You swallowed, reaching for the scanner for him to hover his phone over. “Thanks, lovely,” he responded, taking his phone back and shoving it in his pocket. What the fuck is up with this guy?
You handed him his overly-expensive flat white. You watched as he took a sip, as if quality checking it. “Absolutely delicious this morning. Thanks, Y/n.”
“You’re welcome, Sam,” You offered with a gentle smirk. “You got it!” Another grin and he’s gone, speeding off from the window.
***
“Y/n,” Avery addressed you during a shift that next week. “Wanted to chat for a second.” Oh God, what did I do… “A customer called in–said he came in a few days ago…early in the morning I think. Said that you looked super tired…” Oh fuck, here it is. Give me my severance check and kick me out without making a scene, I fucking beg you. “Anyway. They said that you were super sweet and helpful and they also saw you working saturday–I agreed with them when they said that you took charge and were super supportive of the team.” You stood there, leaning against the counter, not sure what to expect. “I think I want you to apply for shift manager.” You weren’t expecting him to say that.
“Oh wow–I thought I was in trouble,” you said with a surprised chuckle.
“Are you feeling guilty?” Avery looked at you with a smirk, before coming beside you and elbowing you. “Seriously, Y/n, I want you to consider it. It’s yours. The application is a formality for all partners in the company. Think about it.” He stepped off to the opposite counter, handing you a sheet of paper, describing the duties of a shift manager including the pay and benefits involved.
“Did the customer say who they were?” You asked out of sheer curiosity.
“They said that they were the flat white guy–said that you’d know exactly who it was…” He walked off towards the Back of House leaving you to sit in disbelief. Sam. It was difficult to remove the stupid smile plastered on your face for the rest of the day.
--
End of part 1
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pinned post (last update 28.12.23)
hello my beautiful lovelies! i’m zoe (she/they, 26) the writer of brckensociety!
this post is for quick links for mobile users along with updates relating to me and what’s going on irl and on the blog! hope you’re having a great day and i look forward to any interactions we may have! note: please read rules before interacting or messaging me. i do not rp anywhere but tumblr. I DO NOT RP ON DISCORD.
also, i primarily use the beta editor primarily now, sadly tumblr has cut me off from using legacy even just for reblogs and not posting.
quick links
muses (mobile version) | rules | wanted opposites | open starters
scream muses!
just wanted to add a note here for all to see, my scream ocs and headcanon muses have been added and for obvious reasons i’ve aged them up, so everything goes down in college instead of high school. note: in threads these muses can die, etc, but nothing is permanent for them xx.
f/f threads:
atm my muse for f/f threads is a little rough. like i have about 5-10% of muse for them. so those replies will be slow.
all m/f threads will likely get quicker responses (with both my male and female muses).
if we have f/f threads and m/f threads i will reply to both at the same times or one after the one if they are queued. so yeah, replies will take longer, sorry y'all.
on top of this please read this post along with my rules if you want to interact with this blog.
life/blog updates
currently this blog is on a fluctuating semi-hiatus due to my mental and physical health being very up and down (and super unpredictable). i will be getting on as often as i feel capable, some days will be better than others but i may take longer to reply than normal and may disappear for multiple days at a time!
if you want to drop a thread because of waiting or whatever just let me know. also, if i haven’t replied for 2+ weeks and i’ve been active feel free to check up with me on if i saw the thread with tumblr hiding replies and all, but firstly, check my rules, specifically the 2 week hold rule as that could be the reason i haven’t responded to specific friends.
update 28.8.23: my brain disorder is playing up again and making my brain fog worse, so activity will be all over the place and it’s likely i may prioritise threads that i have higher muse for when my brain is feeling up to replying and all. please, be patient and if you want to drop threads just tell me. it sucks when i push myself to reply and never get a response because mine took too long. just tell me so i don’t waste my time.
for a detailed update of the situation go to this post here. (don’t feel obligated to, but fi you want to understand to some deeper extent what kind of shit show is going on, read the post).
update 28.12.23: this blog with remain on somewhat semi-hiatus for the next little while, the new year starts off with a lot of things happening socially for me, including my birthday and on top of that my pain is still flaring and i’ve started a new drug that is going to make things a little hard for a bit. hopefully when things start to settle and i see my pain specialist i’ll be able to be more active regularly again.
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I've come to notice a major, personal benefit from using a basic tagging system, not only for my original posts, but to the posts I reblog as well
This might seem like a "baby discovers object permanence" level discovery to some, but it helped me solve a major headache on Tumblr.com/themobileapp; You know how sometimes you come across a really thought-provoking opinion in a reblog chain, or flash fiction that makes you contemplate the nature of humanity, or a piece of IRL news that you know your parent is not ready for yet but maybe someday?
So you do the instant reblog because this doom ain't gonna scroll itself, then time passes, and the day comes when you have need for That One Post, but uh-oh! You have no RELIABLE way of finding it again, and are haunted by the one time you spent 15 minutes at a party frantically googling increasingly desperate word combinations to try to dredge up a joke image that would have been SO FUNNY if you had actually managed to find it? But you didn't, and so it wasn't, and you won't be making that social misstep again?
Your opportunity to feel like the Sovereign of Tumblr References (also other benefits) is WITHIN YOUR GRASP, and it is called "Pick a few words that apply to broad groupings of things you reblog, take the extra 5 seconds on mobile to manually reblog, and apply the relevant word as a tag." An example is that I use "IRL" for posts that deal with news/current events, because it's easy for me AND (I hope) intuitive for others that might want to either dive-deeper OR block the tag and free their dash! Do NOT get clever do NOT use complicated puns YES the tag you use for queued posts is very funny but Do Not Try That Hard here; the goal is to make your system as simple as possible so that it is quick and easy to use FOR U, your life's main character.
Of course this method is not fool-proof because (say it with me folks),"Tumblr's search function sucks big time," BUT there is a real peace of mind gained from not feeling pressured to immediately screenshot/save links from (and then later organize files) any interesting post, or risk loosing it to the Tumblr Search Void(TSV).
In any case, starting to play around with your own individual tagging system is Easy & Free, has Many Benefits, and is probably a good practice to have in these ongoing Unprecedented Times, but also like. You do you or whatevs i'm not your mom end rant
#ohkotalks#writing#psa#I have decided to stop with only thinking my thoughts internally so there will be more poasts like this in the future#2024 so far has brought me some major brain stuff and while the revelations have had UNIVERSALLY POSITIVE results rapid change is scary#but finding/applying little life tweaks that kill at least 2 but SOMETIMES MORE metaphorical birds @ a time has become a game 2 me#figure out what helps you get the results you want and then do it on purpose has had BIG impacts 4 me#ex: typing and posting my shortform writing to tumblr instead of manually writing on paper is more energy intensive on the front end BUT#it feels more substantial since it's technically public thus gives more good brain chemical AND later IF I WANT#it's MUCH easier for me to copy and paste my disjointed musings into one document because most of the labor to type/format is already done#take THAT brain I am unshackled by shame and love to Work Smarter Not Harder
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Every now and then I'll drop my phone or slip and queue something I don't even agree with, or space and queue something I otherwise do agree with (today's was that school sucks and that COVID being a tipping point for a number of parents to full time pull those kids out is at least in part good, putting aside the nuances as someone who underwent pretty extreme abuse in school and saw what a difference my sister being pulled out of it made for her, plus that it means they're avoiding so much rampant COVID spread, though I acknowledge this can also lead to horrific abuse too) before seeing it's from some crypto dickhead or otherwise vile person (don't have shinigami eyes on mobile but, like, you only need see one post asking terfs to interact to get it) possibly even in the replies to the thing I just queued and I'm like... It's 998 posts long most of the time, I only directly reblog time sensitive stuff and things past my queue limit. Do I really have the patience to scroll that far? Or do I just block and hope that nukes the queue entry because I never see it again?
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Last November (M)
title: last november (m)
post date: december 14th, 2020, 8pm est
⤷ revamped/extended: march 27th, 2021, 10pm est
pairing: seokjin x reader(f)
genre: angst, smut, exes to lovers au
summary: you two broke up on good terms. even seeing each other on your friends’ yearly end-of-november trip was never awkward. so why did this trip feel so different? and why does it feel like the end of something that wasn’t even there in the first place?
warnings: angst, bad puns and jokes, mutual pining, light dom/sub undertones, oral sex (m/f receiving), nipple play, hair-pulling, choking, rough sex, unprotected sex (pls be responsible!), dirty talk, spanking, creampie, seokjin is a consent king, did i say angst?, did i also say bad puns and jokes?
mobile users: alt link if this doesn’t open in tumblr ➛ AO3
word count: 23.7k 24.7k !!
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On the last Friday of every November, your group of friends piled into two cars and set off into the mountains.
Ever since you all graduated from high school years ago, everyone branched off into their individual, intricate walks of life. Different towns, different jobs, different social circles.
But before those grand adventures started, each of you promised one thing: a yearly trip to keep the friendship alive.
This time around, you happened to be in the “decidedly more fun” car as Jimin, Taehyung, and your longtime friend Rin jammed the backseat with singing and road trip games. Since Seokjin took driver, you claimed navigator, leaving the front of the vehicle a bit muted compared to the other half. Which was fine - you always loved relaxing on the sidelines while your friends played with chaos and hilarity.
Namjoon kept you company from time to time, too, so you weren’t completely alone in your preferred space.
The only thing that could’ve made the ride awkward was if you and Seokjin were on bad terms.
It wasn’t every day you found yourself sitting beside your ex, after all.
But that simple fact didn’t phase you. The truth was that your breakup was clean and painless - a massive relief to your friends. Back then, it would have torn everyone to pieces picking sides.
The split was so organic that you couldn’t recall an awful reason why it happened. Separation proved as natural as the changing of seasons: you had moved away for university and he powered through his own medical pursuits. Over time, the relationship simmered to a text every few days, resulting in the night in which you decided that it was better to remain friends.
What sucked was the fact that, over the course of time after the breakup, you fell for Seokjin. Annoying, charming, incredible Seokjin.
You didn’t come to terms with it until last November, when you watched his eyes sparkle under an indigo ocean of stars and it just clicked. Agony carved into your heart some nights when you thought about nothing else, but you couldn’t admit your feelings. Not when you two decided that your river had run its course. You couldn’t risk smothering the last embers of your relationship, so radio silence remained your lonely swan song.
Of course you wanted to admit it. You wanted to tell him. Because no matter who came after, they all fell short. Every smile flashed your way, every pair of arms wrapped around your torso, every night spent between the sheets. Nothing compared to what you got from Jin. That man created a hole in your heart that lingered in his wake, a hole through which all of your subsequent relationships plummeted.
The truth was simple: you didn’t want to ruin what you had. Even if what you two would always be was just friends, that endgame was enough for you.
At least, that’s what you told yourself. Every night when you couldn’t sleep, and every morning when you woke up to an empty bed.
Your vision snapped into focus as your phone screen bloomed. The maps app signaled for a turn, so you relayed the direction to Seokjin, who repeated the direction out loud before following through.
Just like always.
The road in front of you melted into a different scene entirely as you recalled why he started that habit. It sprouted from one of your car rides to a diner situated on the other side of your hometown.
During the drive, you did your best as navigator, but your boyfriend was so into the music playing that he missed some turns. One errant right later had you both terribly lost, the surrounding area swallowing the car in darkness. On instinct, you dove into defense mode, trying and failing not to outright panic.
“My maps won’t load,” you stuttered, hitting the screen with your finger, “Shit, shit, shit.”
“Don’t worry, I can just—”
“Don’t tell me not to worry,” you bit out. “Let’s just get out of here.” You hated how pure paranoia pricked at the corners of your eyes. Getting lost was completely irksome and going back home was more appealing to you than moving forward with the date.
“Okay. I won’t,” Seokjin assured you, turning the wheel and rolling the car out from the shadowy street. “How can I help instead?”
“Oh, umm.” With grateful eyes, you stared at your boyfriend and admired his consideration. You’ve never been asked that while upset before. “You could, uh, repeat the directions before following them? That might help.”
His lips curved into a smile, and streetlights flooded the car to bathe his sincerity in a warm glow. “Repeat directions, you got it.”
The memory faded as you blinked and observed the endless mountain range enveloping the road. Snow topped the summits in white caps; coniferous trees swallowed the steep slopes. As if reminiscence clogged your ears, the music in the car seemed louder outside your broken reverie.
Taehyung, as always, took charge of the aux. He usually had an eclectic mix of tunes on rotation but, that time, nothing but upbeat Christmas music was queued. You had to admit: merry music coating the car windows and mountainous scenery claiming your entire vision put you in the best mood.
It was even better when Seokjin sang along. You really did like his singing voice.
“I like my singing voice, too.”
Your eyes snapped toward the driver, expression freezing over as you drank in his delight. Did you really say that out loud? You knew Seokjin enough to know that he was never going to let that go.
“Yeah, well…” You lazily swatted his grin away. “Don’t flatter yourself.”
Seokjin chuckled, his hands comfortably resting on the wheel. “Are you offering to do that for me? It’s minimum wage, but I’d hire you.”
Rolling your eyes felt like the only appropriate response, so you did exactly that, your exasperated gaze looping around to land on your phone. “Relish this moment, Seokjin,” you advised, zooming out in the maps app to make sure you were still heading in the right direction, “Because it won’t happen again. And take the next exit. We’re almost there.”
“Yes, yes, next exit.” You missed the smirk on his face as he scanned the roadside for the telltale sign. “Moment relished,” he quipped, “But I prefer my moments with ketchup and mustard.”
Your groan drowned in his boisterous laughter, but the hand on your face betrayed you since it couldn’t quite cover up the glee that formed right after.
An hour later, everyone had unloaded the vehicles at the campgrounds and pitched the tents. While Hoseok and Jungkook worked on starting the fire pit, Namjoon and Jimin took their time organizing the food and snacks. Rin had disappeared with Taehyung somewhere, but Yoongi said he spotted them taking pictures a ways off.
“They should be helping,” he muttered. “There’s a lot to do before it gets dark out.”
Squatting down to rotate sizzling meat on your portable grill, you waved him off. “They’re shot-swapping since it’s golden hour.”
The silence that followed gave you pause. When you looked up in curiosity, Seokjin and Yoongi regarded you like a foreign language coated your tongue, their struggle to decipher it earning a chuckle of pity.
“They’re both huge influencers, so they know how to take pictures. They always do this when we get together,” you explained, spinning the kebab onto another side, “And golden hour is around sunrise and sunset. It looks like everything is soaked in gold, and it makes your pictures look pretty. But that’s an old term already! You geezers should keep up.”
Yoongi simply raised an eyebrow and kneeled to turn his designated stick. Smoke from the charred meat wafted into your noses as he declined, “I’ll pass. That sounds stressful.”
A rapid clapping of tongs next to your ear preceded Seokjin’s offer, “What are we waiting for? Let’s golden hour swap!”
Why did he have to be so endearing? A cough escaped your throat, disjointed laughs following right after in their awkward escape. Beside you, Yoongi flung condescension Jin’s way, his voice stocked with disappointment as he warned, “Don’t speak. You age yourself.”
You transferred your kebabs to a foiled plate before standing, blood rushing to your lower legs. Seokjin was unleashing a hearty tirade at the other man grilling when you intervened, “That sounds nice, actually. I’m in a photography class so I was planning on taking some photos anyways. Lemme just get my camera.”
As you walked away, you couldn’t escape the abrupt change in atmosphere hovering over the grills, its looming tension caressing the back of your coat in a slight push. The words exchanged were soft in volume, but their possible meanings stayed clanging in your ears.
“Did you tell her yet?”
“No.”
“Do it. She deserves to know.”
You slipped out of your tent with a heavy jacket and lightheadedness. Medicine would’ve helped with the latter, but the med kit Seokjin packed remained strictly for emergencies. Besides, you couldn’t quite slap a bandage on what was truly bothering you anyways.
As you inspected your class-registered Polaroid, you continued to wonder what Yoongi meant earlier.
What was he implying? You deserved to know what? You couldn’t say the feeling swirling around your gut was a positive one. After all, there was a distinct difference in what a person should know, and what a person deserved to know. What was so important that Yoongi practically ordered Seokjin to spill?
Was there another person in his life now? That was one thing that crossed your mind, but you filed that under the “should know” category, even though it twisted your stomach to think about.
The news had to be something urgent.
Was Seokjin getting married?
Without your permission, vessels in your heart shriveled, squeezing life from your already battered soul. A betrothal was entirely possible with his pursuit of a medical degree and coming from a well-to-do family. Maybe he was in an arrangement?
That possibility dropped an anvil on your chest. You couldn’t say that you were completely fine were that the truth. How could you be fine with something like that if you loved him? Of course, you would be happy if he was, but your heart would require recuperation for an extended amount of time. Give or take a few years.
You wandered so far into the depths of your mind that Seokjin’s sudden appearance kicked you back to shore, a yelp leaving your mouth at the same time your Polaroid left your hands. If the camera wasn’t hanging from your neck, you would’ve been in deep shit with your professor as soon as it hit the cold soil.
Its bulky frame definitely bruised your lower chest on the downswing, though. “Ow. Geez, Jinnie, you can’t just sneak up on people like that.”
Your eyes widened in realization. Jinnie? Shit, you hadn’t called him that since you guys were dating. Quite obviously, the stockpile of thoughts and worries involving his secret were blocking your brain from better judgment.
And apparently you weren’t the only one affected by that nickname because Seokjin’s eyebrows shot into his dark locks, his peculiar glance shifting away. Odd.
After an awkward second, he cleared his throat. “Does it hurt?”
Is it supposed to? You knew he was inquiring about your injury but your thoughts drifted to what hadn’t been divulged yet. “No, it’s fine,” you lied. “Let’s pick a spot before we lose the light.”
You don’t remember how long you walked, but the pair of you ended up far from the original campsite.
In your defense, it wasn’t like you planned that outcome. The trees matched at every turn, so you kept wandering until you found a good clearing - or at least some rocks to break the forested monotony.
A foil to your pickiness, Seokjin voiced his thoughts every ten paces, his votes of confidence constantly crushed by your boots. If you had a cent for every time he declared a spot “the one,” you could actually afford the Polaroid dangling from your neck.
It was at a calm clearing with some patches from last snowfall where you decided to settle.
Unhooking the strap from your neck, you ushered, “Let’s do this quick. It’s almost over.”
“I wanna do it first!” You thought Seokjin meant to take the camera from you, but instead he scuttled into the clearing, striking a pose once he reached its center. Of course the fool meant that he wanted his pictures taken and not the other way around. How was any other idea plausible? “Hurry up, you said!”
“The ‘S’ in Seokjin stands for ‘Selfish,’” you yelled, positioning the Polaroid against your eye regardless. His face enlarged in the lens and, to his credit, you couldn’t argue that he was the clear model between you two. The man could pursue a career in fashion instead of medicine and you wouldn’t bat an eye.
He looked handsome merely standing there, cheeks dimpling at nothing in particular and his charm ever effortless. Even the slight bags under his eyes didn’t take away from his natural beauty.
Par for the course with Seokjin. That unbothered self-assurance was one of the traits you liked and hated about him.
At least, initially. The more you got to know him, your outlook on that defining characteristic was one of admiration, not hatred. You simply needed to start shoving some of that confidence down your own throat like a different type of vitamin C.
After a telltale camera snap, the man threw out his coated arms in another pose. “And the ‘Seok’ stands for ‘Seok in my presence!’”
“I think I’ve been in it long enough. My fingers are pruny,” you droned while lowering your Polaroid, ignoring his wiggling in the background. It seemed you were still accustomed to his ridiculousness.
Yet another thing you gave him credit for: he was never afraid to be a dork. When you first met him, you admittedly thought he was faking it. Over time, you recognized his authenticity, and you grew fond of everything wrapped in the gift that was Kim Seokjin.
You waited for the picture to materialize in your hand. When your impatient model approached you and asked why you weren’t shaking the polaroid, you informed him that you should, in fact, not do that. “It’ll damage the final product!”
“So that song is…”
“Wrong. Yes.”
Pure shock flashed across his face. “What other lies have I been told?”
The captured memory started blossoming, and you watched as the color bled into life. “That you aren’t the funniest person on the planet,” you answered, earning a scoff.
“In that case, you’ve just been misinformed.” Seokjin huffed before offering an outstretched palm. “Now hand over the camera, it’s your turn.”
“Me?” You didn’t think he was serious when he said swap. In reality, you just assumed he whipped up an excuse for you to take pictures of him.
And you didn’t mind. It was nice to have that charming smile directed at you, even if only through the lens of a camera. The Polaroid would be your shield, blocking Seokjin from the pain swimming in your eyes, barely afloat in pools of regret and guilt and loneliness.
“Yes, woman! When was the last time you had your picture taken?”
Slowly, embarrassment swelled across your cheeks when you realized it had been a very long time. Legitimately long. You never asked others to take your picture; rather, you were always the one behind the lens. The last time someone actually offered was…
“When you took one,” you stuttered out breathily, “At that park.”
It was during one of the last dates you two went on before you left for university. There was a carnival you were dying to visit, and Seokjin surprised you with tickets and a kiss.
You remember being so elated while traversing through the whimsical booths, failing fantastically at the rigged games, scarfing down sticky, billowy cotton candy. Squeaky horns and childish laughter filled your ears, and you could still feel Jin’s gentle fingers on your hand as he shyly tugged you under glowing stringed lights.
The main attraction was a carousel keeping everything else in orbit, its charisma shining like a golden, spinning sun. When night fell, you too gravitated toward its charm, standing behind its barricade to watch horses and teacups endlessly turn.
It was so captivating that you forgot yourself and where you were - who you were supposed to be spending time with. Swiveling in fear, you scanned the bustling crowd for your boyfriend, realizing that you needn’t worry at all.
Seokjin simply waited behind you, holding up his phone and telling you to pose. You were so caught off-guard in that moment that your face contorted hilariously right as he snapped the photo. In his eyes, it was the greatest picture of all time.
However, it wasn’t that well received by its subject. You begged Seokjin to delete it, and he finally caved on the grounds that you took a replacement. Conceding, you stomped back to the gate guarding the twirling attraction and pranked your boyfriend with a blank expression.
But as soon as Seokjin drawled “You look like you don’t care-ousel,” you burst into laughter - your unabashed mirth becoming his background on every device he owned.
The scene faded from your eyes as the current Seokjin stood in front of you, gripping the Polaroid instead of his phone. Gone were the lights and sounds of the theme park and, with them, your fleeting moment of solace.
“Oh,” was all he stated in return, and you swore the temperature chose to drop in that moment just to mock you.
“You know I don’t prefer it anyways.” Your heart was losing its grip, sorrow evident in your shaky tone. You folded your arms to shield your body from the weather and unwanted emotions. “I’m definitely not as photogenic as you.”
“Nonsense,” Seokjin shot back. “Now hurry up, it’s only golden minute now!”
And just like that, his warmth melted any awkwardness like spring chasing away winter.
In retrospect, he probably regarded that moment at the carnival differently, or he just wanted to keep those memories in the past where they belonged. It hurt to be the only one so strongly affected by them, but Jin had the right idea. If there existed a standard list of activities to do with an ex, talking about the past wasn’t one of the options. Especially if you had feelings for said ex.
Plus, you didn’t forget that there was something he had to tell you. It seemed like you were going to have to wait a little longer for that, and your anxiousness wasn’t pleased.
As you ambled to the center of the clearing, you focused more on the crunching sounds your boots made rather than your feelings. With a quick survey of the area, you surmised that it really was a pretty spot, the mountain range peeking behind the trees adding depth to the setting. Adjusting your outfit, you took a breath of courage before staring at the eye of the Polaroid.
Seokjin moved the camera from his face and called your name, roping your gaze to his concern. “Smile, okay?”
On instinct, your throat constricted. You couldn’t hide behind the lens that time. But smile you did, and you hoped Seokjin thought it genuine, silently pleading him to not notice the anguish lingering behind your crescent eyes.
The fire pit your friends constructed blazed bright as you both made it back to the campgrounds. Everyone occupied the surrounding logs and, judging from the soft pop pumping from a portable speaker, Jungkook must have commandeered music control.
Jimin turned when he heard your footsteps, his expression indiscernible as he shifted his gaze between you and Jin. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything, only turning back to Yoongi to continue their conversation.
Seokjin and you parted ways effortlessly: he slotted into the empty space next to Namjoon and you headed to your tent to stow your camera.
And for some reason, that easy departure was hard to swallow.
Your pitched space offered warmth upon entry, and you dumped yourself onto your sleeping bag without a word. A few quiet moments passed before you unzipped your backpack, the tiny action feeling so tedious, so difficult to achieve.
After you finally stored your equipment and closed your bag shut, you just… sat there. Contemplative.
Mentally, you were in a bad place. Your thoughts and emotions banged into each other, their war rendering you powerless - captive. Fidgeting with the plasticky fabric of your sleeping bag, you thought back to what happened after you two left the photo spot.
It was an uneventful walk back for the most part. The polaroids turned out nice, all thanks to the very rare and very expensive camera you borrowed. Seokjin claimed yours and handed you his, and faced with your sudden curiosity, he sheepishly offered, “You don’t have to keep it.”
You were more questioning of the fact that he stored yours in his jacket, but you didn’t want to broach that subject. It was beginning to scare you. Maybe it was the fact that he was acting strange, coupled with the other fact that he was hiding something from you.
Why were you suddenly afraid to confront him? You two were open with each other during your relationship. Were you also wanting to put this dreaded conversation off as long as possible, too?
If he was with someone else, though, would he still be keeping your picture?
It was too much to think about, so you tried to lock everything in a box and sit on it.
You saw the light of the campfire after a few minutes of walking through the woods - a handful of silent, crawling minutes. It was bugging you that Seokjin didn’t say anything on the way back. A quiet Jin was a Jin knee deep in thought, and not in good circumstance. In a moment of weakness, you almost offered out your hand to grab his, but you instead crammed it inside your coat pocket.
When you both rejoined your friends, it seemed so easy for you guys to separate, like you didn’t just go off and do something so intimate. Even though that wasn’t the word you wanted to use.
You resigned yourself to the big picture nonetheless: it wasn’t like what Taehyung and Rin did. Your best friend was insanely popular on social media with her carefully curated feed and relatable-yet-unachievable style. Taehyung had his own massive following for different reasons, and you couldn’t deny that he knew exactly what he was doing to gain the hearts of many. They were snapping photos for each other to show millions of anonymous beings across the world.
You and Seokjin just took photos for each other to have. No one else was going to see those.
Why did you feel like that was significant?
The edge of your sleeping bag began to fray under duress, so you plucked your body off the ground and slipped back outside. What you expected was the temperature dipping a couple degrees in nightfall. What you didn’t expect was Jimin waiting for you, puffy jacket and all, leaning against a tree.
When he saw you emerge from your tent, he straightened and regarded you with caution. “Everything okay?”
You adjusted the front of your coat before fishing a beanie out to cover your ears. “Yeah, why?”
“You were just in there for awhile,” Jimin explained, his eyes searching yours, “And you were with him for a long time.”
“I don’t like being interrogated, Park,” you sighed.
“I know, I just…” He mirrored you and huffed his own breath toward the ground. A quick glance had you noticing that his own beanie was knit as thick as the fog in your mind. “I just want to make sure.”
Jimin was whom you considered closest next to your best friend and formerly Seokjin. After your break up, Jimin regularly sent you texts to check on you, despite your constant assurance that you were okay. It got to a point where you phoned him and pleaded reprieve - to reach out only if he had something critical to say.
His broken reply? He only texted you because Seokjin wouldn’t.
You ended up crying after that call, and the tears annoyingly persisted a couple nights following.
He was also one of the only two people in the world that knew you loved Jin. Rin was the other, and that’s only because you let it slip during a girls’ night over cheap wine and period piece movies. Something about an early morning confession in a dewy meadow was enough to loosen your alcohol-mottled tongue.
After you ran your fingers over your head, you responded, “Can I ask you something?”
Your friend’s eyes roamed over your face. “Of course.”
“What’s he hiding from me?”
Jimin instantly clammed up at the question. His dancer frame assumed a rigid position, each limb locking, including his jaw. “It’s not my place to say,” he answered gravely, pulling anger from your center.
“Does everyone else know this secret except me?” You really couldn’t take it anymore, especially knowing that something you supposedly deserved to know was possibly public knowledge.
“Just the guys,” Jimin divulged, and you scoffed.
“I can’t believe this.” You made to walk away, in the opposite direction of the campfire. Into the woods again.
Jimin said your name like he just wanted you to understand already, halting you mid-stride. “I’ve been trying to get him to talk to you. Trust me, I have.”
“He’s a grown man, Park. His decisions aren’t your problem,” you whispered.
“But aren’t they yours?”
“Not anymore. We aren’t together right now, if you don’t recall.” You knew you were spitting bullshit, and Jimin did, too. If Seokjin wasn’t giving you problems, you wouldn’t have been hiding in your tent or literally and figuratively walking away from him. Guiltily, you turned back to face Jimin and give him his credit.
He was this way for everyone in your group: the glue that hung on and fought to keep people from breaking apart. Whenever a fight broke out between warring parties, Jimin was the middle man. Always.
Sighing, you relented, “I’m sorry I’m taking this out on you. I’m just so confused, and the longer he hides whatever he’s hiding from me, the more restless I’ll be.”
“Everyone is on your side in this,” Jimin replied. “He just needs to, I don’t know, woman up.”
A breath of laughter escaped you at the tweaked phrase, the tension coating your shoulders slowly sliding off in clumps. “Did you say ‘woman up?’”
“Men aren’t shit,” your friend explained, pointing a gloved finger to punctuate every syllable. “At least women get things done.”
“I would totally drink to that if I had a bottle in my hand, Jimin.”
“Ah, well that can be arranged!” The boy’s eyes crinkled as he spun on a heel. “Let’s go. Jungkook and Taehyung brought out the drinks awhile ago. I missed out on a few bottles already talking to you.”
“Oh, I feel so remorseful,” you cooed, your voice worthy of giving kids cavities. “Almost as if I cared.”
“Ass,” Jimin snapped, but he could only laugh. When you joined his side, he turned and whispered, “But seriously. If he doesn’t talk about it by the end of this trip, I’m giving him hell.”
The temperature dropped again at that moment, and the wind blowing through the pines cut straight into your bones. Your shoulders hunched on instinct and you blinked to get needed moisture. Was it going to snow? The skies above did look intimidating. Was it going to storm?
A sudden trepidation settled into your gut. “Did we check the weather,” you queried, shuffling through your brain to see if you monitored it yourself before the trip.
“Uh-umm, I did,” Jimin answered through chattering teeth, “But I didn’t see anything other than it being cold.”
You pulled out your phone and regretted doing so, your fingers freezing over instantly. You were lucky you all chose a location that was still in signal range - really, thanks went to Rin and Taehyung for incessantly demanding it every year.
Pulling up the weather app after a few tries, you cursed at the oncoming forecast. “Well, there’s more to it. Snow’s coming in,” you relayed to Jimin. “Let’s pack up and find a place to stay.”
The car ride to the nearest lodging felt immensely different than the ride to the campgrounds. Some people focused on defrosting, one person worried about the people in the front, and the two said people in the front weren’t talking at all.
It was you that broke the silence when you steadily gave directions, and Seokjin would repeat them like always. Selfishly, you wanted the car ride to keep going just so you could hear his voice. He wasn’t saying anything otherwise, and there wasn’t music playing for him to absentmindedly sing along to.
The first snowfall was light as your caravan entered the small town nearby, which relieved you. Tiny snowflakes clung onto the windows and you lost yourself in their geometric patterns. Lights from the shops and other stray cars reflected in the slick roads to create a symphony of color, and white patches already settled on trees that lined the main way.
Seokjin spotted the lodge first, and he rolled into a spot towards the entrance, Jungkook’s car slotting into the next space. Your driver rolled down his window and repeatedly pointed his finger down to signal for Yoongi to follow suit. “Let’s go in and make sure they have our rooms first,” he called out, and Jungkook leaned over his console to shout a hearty okay.
You hoisted yourself out of the car and waited for the boys to follow. Seokjin went to stand next to you, but instead of Jungkook popping out of the other car, it was Namjoon that emerged. You could only guess that the youngest slyly started a game to have the loser get out.
Your stomach turned when you realized it was most likely because no one wanted to be left alone with you and Seokjin.
Remorse burned your throat. This trip was supposed to be fun, but it just felt strained. Were you overthinking? Or was your churning gut correct in its assumption?
At the very least, you hoped everyone else was having a better time than you were.
It seemed that the man beside you had the same feeling that a challenge was pitched. “Rock-paper-scissors? Or nose goes?”
Namjoon just laughed at the ground as his face flushed. “Nose goes, and I put my finger on my mouth so, umm, that’s that.”
You chuckled while you three made your way to the door, both of them towering over you on either side. Seokjin opened the entrance for everyone and, when you stepped foot inside, you were hit with a wave of warmth mixed with an undercurrent of gingerbread. The entirety of the main entrance bathed in plaid or embroidered throws, and there was an obvious affinity for Christmas on display with the plethora of garlands, lights, and a towering Christmas tree in the front bay window.
Namjoon and Seokjin quickly got distracted by the toy train running through a snowy village setup. Adorable, but not helpful.
Alone at the front desk, you received confirmation that your group had four bookings, and you thanked the concierge while you gathered the keys.
The rooms weren’t next to each other. One of them sat on another floor, and the rest were separated but shared the same level.
A container of pamphlets caught your attention, so you grabbed one before strolling away. “Guys, let’s claim our rooms. After that, you can watch the train all you want,” you called out, tapping them both on the back with the thin brochure.
They swiveled their heads to your retreating form before following you out the door.
“No. We are not doing that again.”
“Come on, hyung, it’ll be fun!”
“I’m with Yoongi on this one. We could all end up in the same room.”
“But what if you get a room to yourself?”
“Why can’t we ever just pick like normal people? And Hoseok-hyung, you laugh but you have the worst luck out of all of us.”
“Excuse me! That’s only because you all psyche me out!”
“Let’s just pick something. My phone’s almost dead.”
You stood next to Rin while you two watched the boys decide how room assignments were determined. It was a sight to see: them crowding the small hallway, bags littered around their bulky shoes. You both were thankful they were courteous enough to let you two keep a room to yourselves. They even made sure yours wasn’t on the other floor, just so that you girls wouldn’t be alone.
They were going to pick random rooms one-by-one, not knowing which options the others picked until they opened a door. If you and your friend also had to choose, you were risking the possibility of being stuck with Seokjin, which was the last thing you wanted.
On a day where your friendship was actually normal, that wouldn’t have mattered one bit. But right then? The tension surrounding him would have been detrimental.
He had something to say; he wasn’t saying it. You were a sitting, fidgeting duck.
Jungkook whipped his phone out to search the internet for a random coin flip generator. “Here. Heads, we do it. Tails, we don’t.”
Yoongi just snickered in defeat and already started picking up his bag. “I call picking first.”
His intuition proved sharp as the generator pulled up Heads: they were going with the random room assignments. Taehyung kicked his head back with a sigh, and Jimin and Jungkook burst into laughter while the elders collectively groaned.
As Rin giggled at their misfortune, you sent a rueful smile Seokjin’s way out of habit. You were still friends, after all, and he seemed so distraught over the prospect of horrid results. His eyes locked onto yours and, for a brief moment, he offered a shy grin in return.
The fluttering in your chest was quickly shooed away.
It was while everyone relaxed around a public lounge area that Jungkook hurled an accusation, his eyes alight with the flames licking the nearby fireplace. “Hyung cheated.”
Seokjin immediately sat up in his plush chair and retorted, “Take that back! I did nothing of the sort. You all were just too lazy to take the stairs to the next floor.”
Taehyung shot him a side eye and shared his own eloquent opinion. “Seems sus.”
A whole new wave of bickering erupted, and you redirected your attention to the snow storm blustering outside tall windows.
You were thanking every deity above that you guys decided to leave in time. It would’ve been hell in the campsite during this weather, or even while squeezed into the cars.
Though the original plans were derailed, you were pretty happy with the current lodging situation. Who knew a small town would have a humongous lodge? It had to be assumed that this was the main business keeping the town running. Rin was absolutely drinking it in and stated she even wanted to bring her family there, her thoughtfulness curving your mouth upwards.
Another good thing that came out of this trip proved to be the room assignments that Jungkook ended up loathing. They had you clutching your sides when all was said and done.
Four of the boys managed to pick the same room, and Hoseok and Yoongi snagged a room to themselves. These results resulted in one Kim Seokjin speeding up and down the hallway, wholeheartedly shouting with glee. Yoongi almost crumpled to the ground in relief at the end, and Hoseok fell over in laughter when he entered the full room. You could feel the desperation in Namjoon’s muffled voice as he begged Seokjin to let him change rooms. The only reply he received was an ominous “If you behave.”
“Don’t blame us,” Yoongi laughed out, both hands lightly gripping the arms of the rocking chair he chose. “This is what you young people get for trying to be cute.” His relief from only having to bunk with one other person left him chipper, you noticed. To his credit, it was amusing that the youngest four ended up in the same room.
“Okay, gramps,” Jungkook snapped, earning a laugh from Jimin on the seat next to him. “But she definitely gave hyung clues!”
You whipped your head around to shoot a confused look toward your accuser. “Me?”
Multiple eyes darted between you two like pinballs, and you didn’t have time to brace for his next words,
“You know you won’t see him again after this trip, so you—”
“—Kook!”
All oxygen abandoned you as Jimin rushed to shut the younger man’s mouth, practically slapping his face. Eyes popped out of his head as Jungkook paled in realization.
The rest of the boys bore glares into the youngest one’s countenance, but Seokjin turned directly towards you with concern.
What just happened? Your fingers gripped the varnished wood of your chair as you slowly locked eyes with your ex, and your heart dropped like a stone when he shifted his gaze to the floor.
What the fuck was happening? Your brain was going haywire. What did Jungkook mean? You wouldn’t see Seokjin after this trip? The man that you couldn’t wait to see on the last Friday of every November? That was bogus. He was joking. It was a joke, right? One more weekend before Seokjin was gone from your life forever? Impossible. Ludicrous.
Why wasn’t anyone saying anything?
Beside you, Rin clutched one of your tense fists in her soft palms. Addressing the group, her sharp tone demanded an answer when she asked, “What the hell is going on?”
The silence that followed was palpable. Not even the pleasant music drifting through the lodge was enough to damper the tension.
“I think,” Yoongi finally murmured, his words ice, “This is our cue to leave.”
“No need,” your friend snipped, “We’ll go.” She whispered your name before softly tugging you to vacate your seat.
When you pried yourself from the cushion, it took a moment for you to control your legs to actually move. You knew all the guys were watching you, but you were too embarrassed to acknowledge them, too upset to look any of them in the eye.
Rin led you away from the lounge, making sure you were heading toward the nearest staircase before spinning on her heel. “To the unfortunate soul that gets to explain this to me,” she bit, clutching everyone’s attention in her underlying threat, “Text me where to meet you in ten minutes.”
Both you and Rin occupied the carpet, backs against the cookie cutter sofa that existed in each room.
You two pushed the furniture around so that the couch faced the windows instead of the plain TV, and you surprised your friend by dumping yourself onto the ground instead of the cushions. Rin didn’t question you, though. She only followed suit.
The curtains were shoved to the side to reveal the relentless storm, and you watched the swirls and streaks of white until your head fell onto Rin’s shoulder.
“I should’ve been paying attention to you,” she murmured, “I’m sorry.”
You shook your head, the motion feeling awkward in its tilt. “No, no. You’ve been having a fun time, so I’m happy I didn’t ruin that.” Your laugh was dry. “Until now, at least.”
Rin lowered her shoulder so that you rested more comfortably. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I’m going through a breakup again.”
Fuck. You didn’t realize until the words left your lips that it’s how you really felt.
It had been a few years since you guys ended things. Throughout that whole time, you didn’t feel awkward one bit.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. The “date” that Seokjin brought to the Christmas party last year made you want to tear your hair out. But, that was because she was obviously after his finances and that was the year you realized you loved him.
The conversation you had with Seokjin turned sour, but you really wanted him to see the big picture. You could still recall that night with clarity, the snow falling much lighter than what you currently witnessed outside.
“Seokjin, do you honestly think she likes you?” The red dress you wore was so vibrant that it glinted off the dinnerware spread across the decadent table nearby.
When you pulled your ex aside that night, the only quiet place you could find was the dining room, long abandoned once everyone got their seconds. Up until this point, it was obvious Seokjin wasn’t understanding you. You tried to tell him how you saw it, and he would just brush things aside.
“You sound like you care more than I do,” he accused, his eyes looking everywhere but your face.
Before you responded, you scoffed. “I’m your friend. Of course I’m going to care.”
You remember the strong emotions you suppressed that night. You couldn’t let more things slip than necessary. Yes, you could show him you cared. Yes, you could show him he needed someone else. Just as long as you didn’t give too much of your own feelings for him away. “You deserve someone that at least likes you, for you.”
Seokjin finally stared back at your stormy features, his eyes filled with something unsaid. You sucked in a breath. What else would he say? You liked him for everything he was, but that relationship didn’t pan out. Obviously. You would’ve been going to this Christmas party together if you still dated.
Maybe you shouldn’t have been having that conversation - it was already hard enough for you to say you were his friend. You wanted to be more than that. Again.
“I know she doesn’t like me,” he finally admitted, running a hand through his bangs. The urge to caress his ever soft strands filled you with grief.
You really did like his hair, and it looked even better when coupled with his Nutcracker-esque attire.
“Then why…” You struggled to find a reason why they were even there together. It was a Christmas party with your friends. Why would he bring someone that he didn’t like?
“She’s interested in Namjoon.” Seokjin’s eyes quickly turned into crescents when he witnessed your expression, and his full lips pursed to contain his laughter. “I was trying to get her off me the whole night, but she was trying harder than she needed to to make him jealous. I’m irresistible, you know.”
“Irritable is more like it,” you growled, playfully shoving him aside. “Ass! I was just trying to protect you and you knew this whole time!”
“It’s nice to know you’re looking out for me!” The man beamed as he made his way out of the dining room.
“Yeah, well,” you whispered, tensing slightly when he stopped. “They have to be perfect. It’s what you deserve.” And you really did mean that.
Seokjin’s smile faltered, and you shot him a half-smile before exiting the room yourself.
That was the last time you guys had an argument, if you could even call it that. The rest of the moments you had with him were completely fine. You wondered if Seokjin could see through you during that conversation. He was perceptive, sure, but you may have gotten away with looking like just a good friend.
It was just worrisome since you couldn’t control your emotions that night. You only got to see him in person during these November trips and Christmas parties when you went home, after all. Seeing him again after realizing you loved him ignited something within you, and it took the whole night to put that fire out.
This looming news just felt way too heavy to handle. Was it because you reached where the sidewalk ended? You weren’t going to see his face in person or hear his laugh out loud. There wasn’t going to be off-the-cuff, awful dad jokes thrown your way every end of November.
A nagging idea, far in the depths of your mind, kept tapping your shoulder. But you brushed it off with a scowl.
Even if you acknowledged the concept, there was no way Seokjin felt the same about you. Neither one of you said you loved each other throughout the time you were dating. Were there times you thought you did? Admittedly, yes. Did you ever think about telling him? Another yes. But he never hinted that he felt the same, so it would’ve been awkward for you if it turned out he didn’t. The absence of a confession kept you from revealing yours. So of course even now, you couldn’t tell him. Especially since he was apparently leaving.
Rin didn’t speak for awhile, but you knew she wasn’t the best at comforting people. She was number one at standing up for you and protecting you, but when it came to the softer parts of consoling, she did flounder. Which was endearing and calming in itself.
“How can I help,” she simply offered, and you nuzzled further into her neck. She always smelled so nice, your guardian Rin.
The adrenaline from Jungkook’s bombshell, your swift exit, and the constant stream of thoughts started to wane. Exhaustion slowly took its place like honey sliding into a jar. Softly, your eyelids drooped and you whispered, “This room is a castle, so be my big bad dragon and don’t let anyone in.”
The last sound you heard before falling asleep was a tinkling laugh followed by a small “As you wish, princess.”
When you regained consciousness, you discovered that you were strewn across one of the beds instead of the ground. You couldn’t even estimate how much time passed while you were out, but the storm outside was still thrashing and the only light in the room was the emergency one by the door.
You groggily propped up weary limbs in search of your phone, eventually swiping it from the nightstand. Still half-asleep, you barely registered the pain meds and glass of water sitting on that same table, their dark silhouettes waiting patiently.
Bright pixels mocked your drool-covered chin. Scrunching your face instinctively, you scrolled through your notifications while blinking sleep from your lashes. You received multiple texts, but you didn’t want to open the threads completely, so you opted to check them from the Home screen.
Jiminie [7:20pm]: Fuck, I’m sorry that happened. Please be okay. Love you.
Tae [7:21pm]: free hugs whenever you need. you know the drill.
Rin-Rin [7:36pm]: I know you said not to let anyone in but I literally couldn’t carry you to the bed. Forgive me!
Yoongi [7:37pm]: He’s in his room. I kept telling him to tell you. I know it’s shit to find out this way so if he doesn’t explain things to you, I will.
Hobi [7:39pm]: we’re here for u love!! let me know if u need anything. there’s a small concession stand downstairs so if u need smth i can run it up!!
Jiminie [7:40pm]: Kook is in bad shape. He swore he thought hyung told you already. Don’t worry tho. I’m not letting him off easy.
Rin-Rin [7:43pm]: Hey, love. Just spoke to Seokjin. I think you need to talk to him yourself, but only if you feel up for it.
Joonie [7:45pm]: I gave Rin a bottle of pain meds we had in our room
Joonie [7:45pm]: Go ahead and take some when you wake up
Joonie [7:45pm]: We can count this as an emergency
Jiminie [8:21pm]: Let me know if you’re okay, okay?
Kook [8:33pm]: I’m so sorry
Rin-Rin [8:48pm]: Grabbing us some snacks from downstairs, I’ll brb.
Your battered heart sank even more when you noticed a distinct absence amongst the names. Seokjin didn’t send you a single message.
What had gotten into him? Did he still not want to talk to you despite you knowing his secret? You clicked your phone shut without opening any of the messages and sunk into the pillows. It was 8:49pm, so you had barely missed Rin’s departure. Her exit was probably what woke you.
Unwittingly, you found your device in front of your baggy eyes again, berating yourself for hovering over Seokjin’s thread. The last text he sent stared back at you in a mocking set of pixels.
Kim JokeJin [Thursday, 9:23pm]: Let’s make this one the best one!
With the previous context, this was just a regular message about the yearly trip. With the right context, these words tied your throat in a knot.
You were sure you loved him, but what you were feeling now was even stronger. If you were honest with yourself, you would say that this is what yearning truly felt like, what something deeper than love felt like.
But you were a fool and a liar, so you convinced yourself it was only because you wouldn’t see him again.
As soon as you were about to give up and lock your phone, the thread updated with a new text from Seokjin, and you stilled.
Kim JokeJin [8:51pm]: You’re probably still asleep, so I don’t want to wake you.
You immediately clicked on his message, your anxiousness protected by the absence of Read receipts. The typing bubble kept popping in and out of the screen and, with bated breath, you waited to see if a second text slid into the thread. A hard exhale whooshed from your throat when the second message came through.
Kim JokeJin [8:53pm]: But I owe you an explanation so come up when you can.
Fingers locked your phone in an instant when the door creaked on its hinges. Rin entered with an armful of chips and various candy bars, and as you started to get up, she tutted.
“Sit down, lady.” Packages crinkled as she dumped them onto your covered legs in a processed, sweet and salty heap. “Did you take the medicine?”
You shook your head, very sure that you looked like a cranky Troll doll.
“Go ahead and eat something really quick so the medicine will work. When you’re awake enough…” Rin’s voice trailed off, but you filled in the blanks yourself. Go talk to him was what she wanted to say.
“Can’t you just tell me what he said?” You were hopeful that Rin would save you the pain of confronting Seokjin yourself. In reality, she denied your request.
“Not this time,” she murmured, “This is something that needs to come from him.”
You figured as much, but it didn’t hurt to try getting out of it. It was a conversation that you both wanted and dreaded to have. Under your goosebumps, your bones trembled.
If you were frightened by the mere gist of it, how were you going to react to the real thing?
The reality was that you needed the closure Seokjin was offering. You didn’t think this vacation - or your friendship, for that matter - could regain normalcy until you had this talk. “Sorry I ruined this trip,” you whispered, playing with a corner of the closest bag of chips.
“I’m sorry, is your name ‘Jungkook?’” Rin laughed. “I’m kidding. It’s not ruined. At the very least, it’s salvageable. Maybe.”
“You should be a weather girl with these confident forecasts,” you joked, coaxing a laugh from your friend. You offered a small smile in return, but your heart wasn’t in it. She kinda forgot that this is the last trip you guys would have with Seokjin. If anything, it was doomed from the start.
Little striations ran across the door greeting you, shallow cuts skirting up and down the frame. You roved your eyes over the rough texture; contemplative, lost in the mahogany brown expanse.
If only you were a sturdy tree. You wouldn’t have to worry about any hard conversations in life. All you would’ve had to worry about was possibly becoming a rickety chair for a spoiled brat, or one of Namjoon’s tables that he would eventually damage and lament over.
With a breath, you finally knocked.
It didn’t take long for Seokjin’s freshly showered form to answer, and when you saw him dressed down to a plain white shirt and black pants, you quickly shifted your eyes to the floor. Didn’t he know that outfit was your favorite? Your weakness?
“Hey,” you simply said. “I’m awake now.”
He nodded and let you in, the door closing with a soft click. When you crossed the room, you stopped in front of the couch, anticipation already caking onto your clothes. There wasn’t much to say on your end, you figured, so Seokjin had to take the lead.
Instead of launching into topic, he walked towards you and grabbed a bottle from his nightstand. “Do you want some water?”
You could only stare at the plastic in question. “Did I come here for water, Seokjin?”
There was a heavy pause before the man planted his offering on the nightstand. “No.” Sitting on the longer side of his bed, he clasped his hands together, blank eyes glued to the floor. “Jungkook is right. I won’t be able to go on these trips anymore.”
“Why?”
“I, umm,” Seokjin answered, his words fumbling, “I kinda got into Harvard Medical School.”
“What?” Your anxiousness was forgotten as you gawked at him. That was what he was holding back from you? All this time? That amazing, fantastic, crazy news? Without thinking, you bounded toward him and crushed him in a hug, careful to not push him back onto the bed. “Seokjin! This is what you couldn’t tell me?”
His arms remained at his sides. When he responded, his explanation bounced onto your shoulder, “I literally won’t have a life once I start. None of you will be able to see this face, isn’t that enough to be sad about?”
Another moment of weakness came over you, and instead of overcoming it, you gave in. Your arms tightened around him and you whispered, “No, I’m so happy for you. You’ve worked so hard…”
There were bags under his eyes for a reason. You knew the nights he got three hours of sleep far outweighed the nights he got more than that. The reason you two didn’t get to see each other was his relentless studying and discipline, and you didn’t want him to have to choose between you and a future career. You both were way too young for those rash decisions.
It was with this memory that you were reminded of why you broke up: you wanted him to focus on his goals and you would do the same. “Really, I’m so proud of you.”
Why you hadn’t let go of him at that point was a mystery to you, but you couldn’t seem to stop. The feel of his body against yours consumed you, held you captive even if his arms didn’t.
But after a moment, you felt strong limbs wrap around your sides and emotion wrap around your throat.
You don’t remember the last time you two truly embraced. It was a given that the last time you did, you were both completely different people. Both so young. Both so naive.
“Thank you,” Seokjin breathed, his head finally a beautiful burden on your shoulder, “But there’s more.”
Tension froze your veins, taking the color from your complexion. Of course there was more. There was no way that was the big reveal, even though it was a monster in itself. “Oh,” was all you managed to squeak out.
Seokjin’s arms gently pushed your body away so that he could look you in the eyes. You already missed his stronghold, but you listened as he spoke. “My parents want me to go back home. To Korea.”
You blinked. “Even though you got into Harvard?”
“No, no, after that,” Seokjin expressed with a level of confidence only he could achieve. Like it was inconceivable that he wouldn’t get his doctorate. He then searched your face, the pause holding weight. “So, I don’t know if I’ll see you guys again.”
The wind howled outside and you shivered as if you were standing out there in the cold. There was so much that you wanted to say, but all the thoughts you had in your head melded together into sludge. Words struggled to leave your mouth. Nothing processed correctly in your brain.
Seokjin wasn’t joking - not this time. He really was going to be swamped in work and work and more work. Even the holidays were going to be crammed, and you were sure he wanted to use those rare rest periods solely to recharge.
Yes, he would still be able to text and call everyone, but that would be the extent of communication. He wasn’t big on social media. Even if he was, there would certainly be a dip in his activity now.
Just like you felt earlier, you really did feel like you were going through a breakup again. Only this time, the last remains of your relationship were at stake.
You didn’t want that.
“We’d still be friends,” you weakly offered, wondering if you were just saying that to convince yourself.
An empty chuckle startled you, and when you looked at Jin, he directed an empty gaze toward his nightstand’s lamp. “Yeah… We’d still be friends,” he repeated, and the way he said that made your shoulders sag. It was almost as if he didn’t believe you.
“But Seokjin… You should be so happy. I mean, you’re incredible,” you whispered, a heavy feeling weighing down your chest.
“What if I’m not?”
You sucked in a breath, suddenly not knowing what to do. Was he saying that hypothetically? No. There wouldn’t be a reason for him to ask if he truly was.
How were you supposed to respond to that? Being a doctor was his goal - you were sure of it. If he got accepted into Harvard of all places, then his future glimmered as bright as his charm. “What do you mean,” was what you decided to say. Because you needed more from him than that.
“You said I should be happy. What if I’m not?”
“This is what you’ve been working towards your whole life!” It didn’t make any sense. None of this was making any sense. Who wasn’t happy that they got accepted to one of the most prestigious medical programs in the world? “You did everything you could, and now you have something to show for it! We even broke up over this. And that’s fine,” you quickly added at the end. You didn’t want Seokjin to feel bad for that at all.
“What I’m trying to say is,” you continued, wanting to get every logical word out before more irrational ones escaped. “You’ve gotten everything you wanted. You deserve to be happy.”
You could feel the doors of your heart scraping shut. Even if you wanted to try to be with him again, you would have to give up on that dream. There was no way it was going to work if it didn’t pan out last time.
Fists clenched, you hated how your heart gravitated towards Seokjin on this damn trip, loathed how your brain produced its own highlight reel. Somehow, they both knew this was the end before you did.
“I don’t have everything I want, but you’re right. I’ll be happy.” He sounded bitter. Why did he sound so bitter?
“What more could you want,” you blurted, the question materializing between the two of you in bold letters. You were just getting frustrated at this point.
This was his dream. The ultimate goal. The one thing he wanted out of life.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.”
“Well, it’s none of your concern.”
“I don’t care if it is or not.”
“You really want to know?” Seokjin shot off the bed, immediately towering over your small stature. As your eyes reached his face, you watched as his lips twisted, your shocked features taking in his frustration. “It’s… It’s love, okay? That might sound weird to you, but I’ve realized that all of this is pointless without it. That’s what I’m missing. I want to love again.” He shoved a hand through his hair, his forehead slightly wrinkling under duress.
The first thing that threw you off was the mere mention of the word. That was so brave of him to even bring it up. With you, of all people: someone he’s dated before. It must have taken so much courage for him to admit that.
But there was another word in there that stood out amongst all the others.
Again. He said again. Did he love someone before? He couldn’t have been referring to what you guys had. You never once said those words to each other while you dated. So who was he thinking of? And why did it hurt to know that he had loved before and it wasn’t you?
“I didn’t know you wanted that,” you replied, your voice painfully small. “But I don’t think it’s weird.”
You wanted nothing more than to just confess to him already, but you had no clue what he would say if he didn’t want something with you. The moment escaped like a thief in the night.
“Ah, well, if you knew the whole story,” Seokjin sighed, his breath shaky, “You would definitely think it’s stupid.”
“Why did it end the first time?” You wanted to get to the bottom of it. Maybe through his explanation, you could find something salvageable. You cared about him - so damn much. Seeing him in a state of utter helplessness seized your heart and gripped it tight. “With the one you… you loved. What happened?”
Seokjin’s indiscernible stare pierced through your soul, his silence screaming that he didn’t want to talk about it.
And you understood his reluctance. The list of activities to do with an ex didn’t include this as an option, either.
You felt the steely aftertaste of guilt on your tongue. Maybe he wanted you to just leave him alone already. Besides, you already pushed him to tell a multitude of truths that night. Asking him about a past love life was most likely crossing the line. “I’m sorry,” you apologized, uprooting yourself from your spot to leave. “You don’t have to tell me. I’ll leave you alone.”
You made it three steps before Seokjin responded, “She decided to end it.”
A vice clamped your chest. You stood in your new spot closer to the door, eyes boring into the floor. “Even though you were in love?”
That must have been awful. If you loved him when you two broke it off, it would have absolutely hurt. Very much like what was happening to you now, in fact. Because fuck, were you absolutely disintegrating like a paper on fire.
“I don’t think she loved me,” Seokjin disclosed, his words tightening the clasp around your lungs. “But I loved her.”
“I’m so sorry, Seokjin.” Tears brimmed across your eyes, but you didn’t want him to see you break. You thrummed with so many emotions in that moment, swept by the current of his words, his heavy tribulations.
He loved someone in the past. You loved him in the present. If only you both harbored a love for each other in at least one point in your lives.
“That must have been hard.”
“It wasn’t, for the most part.” His brittle words crumbled as they appeared. “I saw it coming.”
You chewed on your lip. Seokjin’s confessions were so full of pain - the amount of love he had for this person was obvious. Looking back on your relationship, you remember your split being mutual. It was mutual, right? There weren't any feelings involved. Whichever other situation Seokjin was referring to had to be sometime after you.
Maybe it was someone during his college days. But wouldn’t you have at least heard about them through the friend circle? Their name must have just left your mind. You knew Seokjin flirted a lot but he needed to be serious to really start a relationship. This one just sounded tragic.
“I don’t know what to say,” you admitted sincerely, your chest about ready to collapse, “Other than don’t give up. You can do it. Love again.” The joints in your knees threatened to give out. Telling the one you loved that he could find someone again was too much. Too, too much.
“Ah, yeah. Well.” Seokjin turned away from you in a shrug. Even the back of his profile was perfect. “Thanks for being a good, uh, friend.”
Friend. Could you teleport to your room and stay there? You couldn’t be the one to give him what he wanted, especially since he was about to be gone for a very long time. No matter how much you wanted to. Oh, how you wanted to.
You swung around to face the door once again. Critical words almost freed themselves from your lips, but you held them back, swallowed them down. “I’ll always be your friend.”
Head storming, you commended yourself for keeping your voice level. The tears were able to recede - which relieved you, since you wanted to make it through the rest of the conversation with dry eyes. With one tiny head shake, you whispered, “Let’s get some sleep, okay? I don’t want us to ruin the rest of this trip. Like you said before, we have to make it the best one.”
Seokjin got up and made his way over to you, and you turned around with a fresh face once you knew he was close enough. The smile he wore was manufactured, but you didn’t want to pry. Instead, you repeated your advice as you both approached his door. Because you wanted him to understand. “Seriously. Don’t give up, you hear me?”
“Don’t give up,” he echoed as he pulled on the handle, like you were just giving him directions. He stilled for a moment in deep concentration before looking your way. Dark eyes bore into yours and you could almost hear them speak, but he gave one final nod and vowed, “Okay.”
Little striations met you again when you gave Seokjin’s closed room one last look, and you swore they regarded you with pity. Finally breaking, you let your tears fall the whole way back to your floor, wishing to be made into a sturdy tree in your next life so you never had to feel that way again.
The next morning found all nine friends situated in various places around Seokjin’s room. You thought it amusing that the boys never really settled for normal seats, always choosing a table or windowsill perch instead. As an avid fan of the floor yourself, apparently, you were once again plopped on the ground in front of the sofa. Only this time, you weren’t drowning in the depths of your past.
“Looks like the snow piled up high last night, so we might not be able to use the cars,” Namjoon observed after his long fingers created a tiny crack in the curtains. His argyle sweater blended in with the burgundy fabric and the sight put a small smile on your face.
The action surprised you since you spent the whole night swathed in a blanket of regret, your arms caging your ribs in an attempt to stopper your bleeding heart. If only you were so bold as to allow a confession to fall from your lips. Three words to solve two peoples’ problems.
But the risk involved was too high. The hurt following an unrequited love confession would haunt you through every sunrise and sunset.
Jungkook’s exasperated voice sliced through your thoughts. “What are we gonna do then?” You glanced at him right as he threw himself onto Seokjin’s bed, bouncing the other two occupants like buoys amongst waves.
“What we can do: stay in,” Yoongi responded while repositioning himself against the headboard.
Taehyung’s sigh mingled with Rin’s tsking noise, Jungkook’s deeper groan almost in harmony with the both of them. Their melancholic concerto almost pulled a laugh out of you, but the next suggestion came from Hoseok, “I brought some board games we could play. Cards, too.”
Seokjin quickly shot him a look. “You don’t play board games. Or games. Or cards. Actually, what do you do?”
“I look after all of you.” Hoseok’s head always bobbed when he spoke to accentuate his points. “Hence why I brought board games and cards just in case!”
You couldn’t refute the man’s claims, either. Hoseok always made sure everyone packed what they needed before trips but brought extra stuff in the event that the group needed something else. Helping was just part of his nature. Yesterday was one example. Rin got the snacks last night, but you were sure he would have woken up at any point in time to be your comfort food delivery man. If being a leader were a sport, Hoseok would be the dark horse that you never saw coming until they finished first. Then you couldn’t deny their talent and skill.
Taehyung didn’t let the dark horse live, though. “Thanks, hyung. Did you pack a snowblower, too?”
Rin’s laugh could always be heard amongst your friends, but not because she was a girl. Hers was just so distinct and heartwarming, like a cozy throw or the thought of cookies in the oven. It was only slightly better than Jimin’s.
Speaking of which: Jimin was eerily quiet throughout the whole meeting, his gaze lingering on you more than once. You noticed it ever since you burst into Seokjin’s room and lauded the man’s scholastic advancement. Which couldn’t be helped. No matter how painful last night’s conversation was, you still wanted him to know how proud you were. After all, a person could be sporting a dagger through their heart but still have love to give.
You didn’t know why Jimin was acting strange. The big secret was unveiled but you would come to terms with it. Was he afraid of how you would be feeling? Or was he just sympathizing with you because he assumed you weren’t exactly fine? Talking to him later to iron things out was going to be essential. The multiple glances he threw your way proved too much.
“I have a pamphlet we can look through,” you responded, waving it in the air like a white flag. The decision to bring it just in case proved to be the right one, even if Rin threw a small fit from having to fumble through her bag for the room key again. Warmth from the thick hoodie swallowing both your body and your bent legs validated the first time you went back into your room.
Rin stuck her tongue out at you but smiled right after in her best Sour Patch Kid impression. Cute. You breathily laughed before unfolding the flimsy paper. Shifting your eyes along the colorful pages, you started listing out the lodge activities. “Okay, so we have… Kayaking: no. Lake yoga: no. Mountain biking: no…”
Even though the lodge boasted a huge amount of things to do, the majority of them required there to not be four billion inches of snow outside. Only a few remained, and majority rules determined ski slopes the winner.
The only issue with the slopes was that they only allowed groups of three at a time. To remedy this, groups were formed and a rotation was set based on a heated tournament of rock-paper-scissors. And while Hoseok didn’t play board games, cards, or even video games, he seemed to be a pro at that.
He picked Seokjin and Yoongi for his group, and they were going out first, to the eldest’s horror. You saw his anxiousness coming from miles out - tackling snow with one board was much more up his alley than tackling it with two.
Next, Jungkook chose Namjoon and Jimin since he wanted to somehow “win” on the slopes. They gave him much grief for that.
And that left you with Rin and Taehyung, but they wanted to check out the spa area first, so your group was going to catch up later.
Which wasn’t ideal for you. You wanted to watch Seokjin ski. Or really, you just wanted to see him as much as possible before the trip ended. Seok in his presence, like he said. Maybe being pruny in this case was a beautiful thing.
Room Service knocking on the door interrupted your thoughts, and Jimin let them in to serve the breakfast Seokjin ordered for everyone prior. While the dishes were distributed, the group was already firing bets and insults and digs at each other as if a clear winner would emerge outside. And you welcomed every bit of their energy. Chewing on food while basking in everyone’s competitive nature was enough of a distraction from your woes. At least, until you caught Jimin deep in thought again.
The spa was decent, so you three ended up staying for almost an hour. Both the sauna and facial massage served to ease the thick layer of tenseness under your skin. If only you could transport yourself into a cloud of steam every time you thought about Seokjin. Maybe that would’ve helped with the anxiousness and guilt you felt every time you thought about confessing.
And you were grateful for Taehyung tagging along because he really did offer free hugs often. Even while Rin scanned over the receipt for everything you guys did, the man slung a lean arm around your shoulders.
His voice glided over your hair when he leaned in to ask, “How did it go last night?”
You sighed before responding, debating on how to answer him. You decided to take the easy route. “Good. Better than I expected. I just can’t believe it took him that long to tell me! I was so worried this whole time.”
Taehyung squeezed you gently. “Finally. We kept telling him to just admit it already.”
Rin was in the middle of paying when you smiled. Her hair gleamed in the incandescents, and you reached out to touch it as you admitted, “It’s just weird that he wanted to hide that from me.”
“Well, you’re his ex, so he thought it would’ve been awkward.”
A laugh shot out of you, and Taehyung gave you a look. “Seokjin’s so strange. He knows I’ve been rooting for him this whole time. I mean, Harvard? That’s incredible.”
Normally, friends would converse about achievements and be sincerely happy about them. But something else happened in that moment that set alarm bells off in your head. Whether it was Rin becoming a block of ice in front of you, or Taehyung slowly peeling his arm off of your shoulders, you suddenly got a feeling that something wasn’t right.
When Rin spun around to face you, the expression painted on her face reminded you of those Renaissance pieces you saw during one museum date with your ex. Her eyebrows artfully scrunched; her full lips twisted. Was she on the side of the angels, battling demons? Going to war?
No, she was just trying to clarify something. “He didn’t say anything else?”
You gulped. “I mean, yeah?”
“What did he say?” Taehyung furrowed his dark brows, his own face a work of art in itself.
“That his parents are making him move back to Korea when he’s done with his doctorate,” you revealed, suspicious of the both of them and Seokjin now. You kept your tone level to hide any emotions under the surface. “Why, is there more?”
Once again, you were swept under the wave of confusion. The waters there were dark and cold, and you felt like you couldn’t swim to safety this time. It was as if cotton clogged your ears and a thin film coated your vision. You didn’t even register Taehyung furiously typing on his phone while Rin led you all out of the spa’s reception area.
“Do you want there to be more,” was all she offered before sitting you down on an earthly toned loveseat. The fluffy rug under your shoes snagged most of your attention.
“I don’t know how to answer that, but I guess not,” you finally grunted, feeling angrier and angrier from being left in the dark again. Comparable to a disease, this dangerous feeling was taking over you, trickling into your veins drop by black drop. “Honestly, I kinda just want to go back to the room until we meet for dinner. Whatever you guys are hiding is starting to piss me off.”
“Let’s go,” Rin agreed, urging you to get up and follow her to the room. But you shook her off.
“I’ll go by myself.” Buzzing with anger, you shuffled through your bag to grip your key. “Just let me be alone for a bit.”
Taehyung looked absolutely livid, but he nodded along with Rin. You didn’t watch the two of them share a knowing glance as you drug your crumpling form to the stairs, hoping pieces of you didn’t crumble off before you reached your temporary bed.
From the moment your tired bones hit your comforter, time traveled at a strange pace. You didn’t know how long you spent lying prone on the sheets, your head lolled towards the window. Watching the light snowfall outside did nothing to bring you out of your dark space.
Being left out, confused, and feeling betrayed left you mentally drained. How long were you going to feel like this? Like you were just going to keep being lied to? Maybe you weren’t outwardly lied to, but omitting something was still considered a lie. The truth was still held captive and you couldn’t even pay it a visit.
Rin and Taehyung reacted strongly to what you said. That had to mean whatever else Seokjin was supposed to say to you was big. You weren’t stupid. At least, that’s what you concluded.
But what if you were this time?
You loathed this feeling. You hated being looked at with pity. Even Rin knew what was left unsaid this time, so you were truly alone in the dark.
A dark monster within you rose to life, and you ripped yourself from the sheets. Snatching your coat from the couch, you jerked your arms inside, striding toward your door with purpose. A ball of fury, you were determined to march up the slopes and confront Seokjin. Everything was getting ridiculous.
Tugging the door open, you flinched at the figure waiting on the other side. A brief moment of silence and bewilderment and worry washed over you, quelling a small part of your harbored anger. “What happened to you?”
Seokjin stood in front of you wrapped in his puffy coat, hair in disarray and a small gash on his cheek. His nose was red with the cold and a small cut, and his eyes looked as if he had been holding back tears. Tears? Was he crying? Even now, it seemed like a few were threatening to fall as his gaze lowered. A ghost of a voice wafted from his mouth as he replied, “Jimin.”
You winced. Remembering the glances the younger man gave you this morning, you should have seen a conflict brewing. Your friend wasn’t lying when he said he’d give Seokjin hell. Something must have broken out when they were on the slopes, or anytime you weren’t there with them. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
If you didn’t have that revelation with Rin and Taehyung, you would have been absolutely thrown by Seokjin’s appearance and the cause of it. But it seemed that both groups found out what he told you last night and neither were pleased with the result. What that result was, you couldn’t determine yet. But based on your own categories, “I got into Harvard” and “I’m moving back to Korea” fit in the Should Know box. The Deserved to Know box was still accepting applications.
“Come in.” Your fury had to simmer on a proverbial stove for the time being. “I have a first aid kit in my bag.”
You hurried him into the room before making a beeline for your duffle. The adrenaline built while you were fired up was still thrumming your bones like guitar strings. Nothing more was said as your bag crinkled with your rummaging, even though you wanted to just wring answers from his neck already.
But you couldn’t. You needed a moment to collect your thoughts, both the past woes you were fighting and your current worries.
As Jin awkwardly stood in front of your bed, you kept pondering. What the hell happened out there? How did it end up in a physical altercation? Did Jin fight back? It was already obvious Jimin initiated it, but you wondered if he sported any bruises, too. Not from Seokjin, though. Because you couldn’t ever see him throwing a punch. You were more curious about someone like Yoongi. The elder one was incredibly protective of Jin.
When you found the kit, you spun around to start tending to your ex’s face. “Bed,” you ordered, pointing towards yours with the first aid box. Your tone was harsh, but you weren’t holding it back.
The man was silent as he delicately sat on the comforter, and you instantly noticed how he refused to look at you still.
No matter. Treating his cuts was a priority, but that didn’t mean you weren’t going to force him into confrontation right after. Seokjin wasn’t going to have a choice.
Perching yourself next to him, you propped one leg up to steady yourself, clicking open the small kit next to you. It wasn’t as fancy as the one he carried along, but it housed the basics. Fetching some antiseptic and cotton first, you told him to turn towards you so that you could start.
And despite your anger, your exasperation, your frustration, the hands you lifted to Seokjin’s face were nothing but calm.
Throughout the time you dusted his cuts, you kept your gaze on his cheek, his mouth, his nose. A wall erected around you that you refused to take down. After all of the hurt Seokjin had caused, the turmoil he had put you through, it was pertinent you wouldn’t let him in. You had your soldiers’ arrows at the ready, directed right at his wounded face.
But if you so much as flitted your gaze toward his eyes, your walls would crumble to dust. Your gates would slam open in surrender.
Because having him this close to you after all this time was like coming home. And you harbored that feeling ever since the scent of his cologne consumed you. Your face hovered inches from his, your fingers gently pressing his features. All of the nights you yearned to be this close were so lonely and cold, and his warmth was tugging your heart by multiple strings.
His looming absence was hitting you deeply then. If you gave in only to lose him again, the pain would surely hollow out your soul until you were a mere shell of yourself. You wanted nothing more than to sink into the mattress and slip down into the soil underneath the lodge.
Suddenly, a hand cradled your cheek, and you shook on impact. Without thinking, you locked eyes with Jin, and it was then that you realized he was wiping hot tears from your face.
“If I’m the reason for these,” he whispered, “I’m sorry.”
Something strangled escaped you, and you finally caved. “You are,” you exhaled, unable to stop the tears from falling. “You really are.”
You tore yourself from the bed, instantly feeling the lingering warmth of his fingers fade. A chasm was created between you two: your chest heaving on one side and his face crumbling on the other. The mountain of thoughts and feelings you created broke down under pressure, emotions roaring down its slopes in a cathartic avalanche. “I’ve been looking like a fool this whole trip, and apparently everyone is feeling so fucking sorry for me. Why can’t you just tell me everything? What did Yoongi mean? What do I deserve to know? You told me you got into Harvard and have the audacity to say you aren’t happy? What the hell is that about? We’re supposed to be friends, so why am I feeling like you’re letting that all go?” You choked on your tears and clasped a hand over your mouth, a burn blossoming in your chest from the dry sobs.
Seokjin’s eyes ringed with a burgeoning shade of pink, both of his pupils glossed in guilt. “I’m not… I’m not letting that go, but--”
“But what, Seokjin,” you gritted out, “Please stop and just tell me already.”
“But I was too scared,” he admitted, “I’m still scared.”
“Why are you scared?” The question drifted to his face, and you could tell he was struggling to answer even that one. It pained you to be this close yet so far from the answer.
“Why are you scared, Seokjin,” you whispered again, realizing that his hands were shaking.
“Because…” You watched as he clenched them on his thighs, and he struggled to get the words out. “Because it’s going to happen again.”
Enough with the obscurity. Frustration reached a boiling point. “What’s going to happen again?”
“Exactly what happened last time!” Seokjin declared as his eyes pleaded with you, eyebrows furrowed and kneeling in anguish. The skin encasing his watery eyes remained that same dusty shade of affliction.
You couldn’t for the life of you understand what he was saying, until you remembered last night. When you asked him about the time he loved before.
Wait.
Your hand made a slow descent from your face as you matched Seokjin’s stare. A million words skittered across your eyes, transforming into liquid and sliding down your skin. You were sure you looked an absolute wreck with your tear-stained cheeks and reddened nose, but that didn’t concern you at all. The only thing you could hang onto was Jin’s words, just short of a confession.
But you had to be sure. You weren’t settling for five words that could mean a thousand other things while arranged the same way. “The one from before,” you more stated than questioned, “Where is she now.”
Seokjin never broke his gaze, doing an incredible job of keeping tears at the edges of his eyes. Heavy breaths caused his chest to swell with each pass. Voice low, he finally, finally caved, “She’s the one on the polaroid I have in my room.”
The entire conversation from last night struck you like a freight train. So many realizations hit you at once and you didn’t know how your trembling legs were keeping you upright.
It was you. He was talking about you.
Your coat smothered your limbs like a cage, your whole being rattling inside like an animal starved.
That was what he was truly hiding from you. That was what he had buried deep down into his chest. And you couldn’t blame him one bit after you realized it was exactly what you were holding from him, too.
No matter the reason, you still kept your own truth hidden. It occurred to you then that you couldn’t be angry - that would just be hypocrisy. There was bravery in confession, and even more so to someone you no longer were allowed to feel that way about.
You were the one that forced the truth out of Seokjin, and now you only felt like a coward.
Movement in front of you snapped your vision back into focus. He was getting up to leave. Why was he leaving?
“I knew this would happen,” he said, his voice strained. “I’ll go. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.”
Oh. He assumed your silence was from guilt. Guilt that you didn’t feel the same. And he was about to walk out with that egregious misconception. What an absolute fool.
But no matter how hard you tried, the words wouldn’t budge from the back of your teeth.
You had two choices here. One, you told him. You laid everything out and you admitted that you felt the same. Then tomorrow, he would leave your life and you may not see him again for years. And you tried this before - being in two separate schools and living different lives while holding onto your relationship. It obviously didn’t work last time, and you still saw him from time to time. This situation would be a thousand times harder.
Which brought you to the second option: you let him go. You let him leave without telling him how you felt. Rip the bandage off right there and then. Leave him to pursue his dream, and with that the freedom to go and find someone else to love. Was that what you wanted? Was this your own sick version of loving him? All the villains in the universe would applaud you as you lied to his face while telling him not to give up. How fucking cruel would that be?
“Seokjin,” you called out, and your chest subtly heaved when he turned to stone by the door. His broad back remained still as you took a step towards him, and only after you roamed your eyes over his shoulders did you notice small movements. But he didn’t face you. It was almost as if he didn’t want to.
Agony consumed your entire being as you made your decision.
You shut your eyes, clenched your jittering fingers into hard fists.
“See you at the campfire,” you whispered, your voice unfamiliar even to yourself.
The only response you got was the soft opening and closing of your door.
Compared to last night’s lion of a snow storm, tonight was but a mere cub. There were small flakes here and there taking their time to descend, and the fixtures from inside the lodge were the only light source beside the fire pit you were approaching downstairs.
Situated in the center of your friends, the flames danced across their jovial smiles as they passed bottles around. The drinks weren’t the lodge’s, but the ones you all brought and snuck out of the rooms - the telltale green glass was enough of a hint.
After Seokjin left, it took you a couple minutes to let everything out, and about thirty minutes crying into Rin’s shoulder once she witnessed your crumpled form on the floor. She listened to your recap of the conversation and Jin’s final secret, and through broken sobs you told her you couldn’t tell him yours. When she asked why, you told her your reasoning. When she called you an idiot, you wholeheartedly agreed and cried even harder.
But you still stuck with your decision. It was for the best. You loved him so much that you wanted what was best for him, and that was to let you go.
“Promise me one thing,” Rin murmured, earning a nod from you. “Only go through with it if you know you won’t regret it.”
A sharp pain sliced through you then, but you acquiesced. “I won’t.”
She then grabbed your Polaroid from the bed. It was Namjoon’s idea to bring it to the campfire once he heard you brought it on the trip. “Are you okay with this?”
“Yeah,” you gulped, regarding the old piece of the past with heavy eyes. Seokjin confessed to you with the help of that camera. You weren’t okay with the mere idea of touching it. “Yeah, it’s fine. I want everyone to enjoy themselves tonight, so. Yes.”
Even if that meant you suffered. This was Seokjin’s last trip with everyone, not just you. Why keep them from making good memories just because you were a walking dark cloud?
You reached the bottom of the rickety stairs, the squeaky noises catching the attention of the boys. Most of them raised their bottles to you, but you caught Jin staring at the fire instead.
If you got through this night in one piece, it would be a miracle.
Namjoon stood as you and Rin settled into your seats. “Okay. Since we’re all here now, I say we start.”
As everyone gave their cheers, the eldest just looked confused. “Start what?”
“Something for you,” Yoongi explained, his body already comfortable in his Adirondack. “Since you aren’t joining us for these anymore.”
“Ah, yah,” Seokjin protested, “You don’t need to do anything—”
“Don’t lie, you already love this,” Jimin cut in, all smiles despite the companion bruises and cuts on his face to Jin’s. “Although, your opinion may change in a second.”
Jungkook paused his leg bouncing to shout, “Let hyung explain!”
You smiled as the group settled, but noticed that Jimin was looking at you strangely. You didn’t have time to process it, though, since Namjoon headed things off while a bottle rested against his chest, “Jin-hyung. We just want you to know that we’re proud of you. Even though we may not see you for awhile, you’ll be in our hearts and on our minds. Starting tomorrow, you’re already Dr. Kim to us, so I say we all call you by name tonight.”
Laughter and claps filled the air, drowning out Seokjin’s weak protests.
Namjoon cleared his throat to calm the air, and you watched small flakes catch in his hair as he continued, “We’ll each do two things: give you advice, and ask for advice. Since you’re clearly educated, we figured you’d have a lot to say.”
“Oh, I’m just lucky.”
“And keep sharp, everyone. Miss Photographer over there will be taking pictures.” Namjoon nodded at you, and you gave a short smile while holding up the Polaroid. You were fine doing this; behind the lens was your safe space.
The boys and Rin slowly got through their questions and advice, and you were shocked by how insightful Seokjin was being. You never truly realized the magnitude of his intelligence. Every person around the campfire hung on his every word, and it didn’t help that you all took a swig after every good point he made - many, many times. You diligently fired away on your camera, making sure to get Seokjin with everyone so they could all have a moment captured with him.
When Jimin’s turn came, he shot you a glance before looking at your ex. “Jin. That sounds weird to say. Jin-hyung.” He looked at the ground before continuing, and you knew it was to compose himself. “My advice to you… Sorry,” he buried his head in his elbow for a brief moment. Yoongi looked away.
“I kinda gave you advice already,” Jimin trudged on, “And you took it. So, my next piece of advice would be to, uh, keep going.”
You were rooted to your chair. Seokjin didn’t spare you a single glance during that exchange, but you knew it was about you. It had to be how he ended up at your door earlier. He even said Jimin was the one responsible for his wounds.
“Thank you, Jimin,” Jin replied. “As for my advice to you, it’s okay to let people figure things out on their own. You don’t have to put it on yourself to be the one that keeps people together. If something ends up breaking, you’re going to think it’s your fault.”
Jimin regarded him with watery eyes before nodding and wiping his freezing tears. And when he looked your way, he saw you only looking at Seokjin. Your face was slowly cracking, and the shadows in your facade were exacerbated by the flames.
It was your turn; everyone else went. The Polaroid felt like a boulder on your thighs.
You blinked before setting the camera down and clutching your bottle. Since Seokjin was on the other side of the fire, you had to stand to see him, your tenseness on full display.
What could you possibly say in that moment that he wanted to hear? That he was willing to listen to? You were certain you took his heart and slammed it into the ground earlier. It would be better if you just didn’t say anything.
“Seokjin,” you started, pausing to collect yourself. “My advice to you is to forget the advice I gave you before.”
Several pairs of eyes looked at you then. Even Jin finally regarded you, the most aware of what you were referring to.
“What I’m trying to say is: it’s okay to give up sometimes, because not everything that you want to happen is going to happen. There will be times you will just have to let things go. And that’s okay. Because maybe letting things go would end up for the best.”
Jimin’s eyes bore into your soul. He sat so still that it put all the statues throughout history to shame.
Seokjin grabbed his bottle with both hands, elbows resting on his knees. “Interesting advice.” His eyes danced as they took in the warm flames. “I might even follow it.”
Both of your lungs threatened to give out at his words. Your hands almost dropped the glass you were barely clinging to, but you never looked away from Jin. It was as if your attention was chained to his body, your soul weighed down by his earlier confession and now his possible break.
If he followed your advice, shouldn’t you be happy? It’s what you wanted in the end, right? You would let him go, and he wouldn’t look back.
Snow drifted onto everyone’s chairs and the fire crackled in front of you. A small breath left you in a wisp of white. Warmth did its best to help you, but the cold was too strong. No amount of fire in the world could melt your icy conscience - you truly left Seokjin in the dark. He practically admitted that he loved you, and in return you gave him nothing. Of course he would consider your advice.
“But I like the sound of not giving up. It has a ring to it that exists beyond the sound it makes when someone says it,” he cut himself off, the silence deafening. Inside, bells rang in your head. What was he implying? Seokjin’s voice was as clear as blue skies when he continued, “So, I guess I’m stealing your advice and giving it to everyone here.”
Your gaze shifted to the side as everyone turned towards Seokjin. This was something you weren’t prepared to digest. Settling back down into your chair, you tried to even out your breathing and neutralize your shaking fingers.
Your feelings were warring with each other in a confusing battle. If you wanted him to follow your advice, why were you relieved when he said he liked not giving up? Did that mean you hoped he still waited for you? Years and years and years from now?
“Take it from me: don’t give up,” he advised. “But what I mean by that is to not give up until you’re happy.”
Guilt squeezed your eyes shut, clamping your lids down. He was going to wait. Love was the one thing he wanted to be happy. And you held your love for him tightly in your hands, behind your back and hidden from sight.
But even still, in the midst of your silent rejection, this man wasn’t letting go. Without saying the words, Seokjin was going to wait for you. Because he still loved you.
This was too hard.
“To being happy,” Jimin boisterously cheered, startling everyone and causing your bones to rattle. His glass remained high in the air, and everyone joined in with their own proclamations.
“To being happy,” you whispered alongside the others, quickly taking a swig.
Yoongi was the next one to pipe up as he declared, “Okay, now that all that’s done, let’s just drink for fuck’s sake.”
Amongst the laughter and “thank god”s thrown about, you quickly downed the rest of your drink like it was your lifeline. You needed more than liquid courage to get through the rest of the night. The camera by your feet was snatched up by Jungkook before Taehyung could get to it, and you prayed to every higher power that they kept it in one piece.
As everyone made their way back to their rooms, you noticed Seokjin joking and laughing with the others like normal. It was a continuation of the rest of the night, since after the advice conversation it was nothing but fun. Your Polaroid almost ran out of film, for one, but watching everyone fight over the photos was entertainment in itself. There were digs toward Jin until he turned red, jabs thrown at Jimin’s fragile emotional state, and Rin’s warm laughter coating everything in a soft glow.
And it was a bittersweet event. There was nothing more you wanted than to capture that moment and place it in a snowglobe. The world wouldn’t interfere with your friends, and none of you would ever leave.
Seokjin was about to head up the stairs to tuck in for the night. Full of soju and stupidity, you blurted, “Leaving already?”
He stilled before turning toward you. “Oh. Yeah.” He regarded you with a look you couldn’t completely decipher. “Long day tomorrow.”
“Right,” you replied, hating the sudden hollowness you felt. Or didn’t feel.
“Well… Good night.” Seokjin tapped the banister twice before heading up, and you softly wished him good night before speedwalking to your room. You were only tipsy, so the fast trip didn’t bother you. The camera in your hands kept your center balanced the whole way back.
By some strange miracle, you kept it together the whole time after everyone’s campfire speeches. You imagined yourself as an ice sculpture, surrounded by the guests of honor. Everyone gave you a glance and thought nothing else of you. They could only see composure and poise. Only when they got closer could they see you slowly melting, rivulets of remorse cascading down your entire frame.
Rin was in the middle of her skincare routine when you entered your room. As soon as she heard your footsteps, she made a noise indicating she had something to say. The product around her mouth didn’t let her yet, though. Which meant you had to wait.
You stood in the doorframe of the bathroom, vision spinning just a smidge. This was probably a talk you didn’t want to have, but you gave your friend her podium. It was only fair. Her serious talks were few and far between.
But she didn’t have much to say when she finished getting ready for bed. In fact, she only said three sentences.
“It’s 11 o’clock,” she stated plainly, her tone indicating she was done with the calmer approach. Bluntness was more her style.
“Okay?”
“We leave at 7 in the morning.”
“And?”
“It means you have eight hours to decide how you’re going to feel for the next ten years.”
Silence.
All you could respond with was silence.
Dead air. Sober. You were sober now. In that moment, you may have held your breath for a century. Too many thoughts flooded your brain, from past memories at a carnival to future images of an empty apartment with a bed fit for one.
It was stark. Blank. There wasn’t going to be a future with Seokjin, no matter what you said.
But when Rin put it that way, would you feel better if he knew the truth? Or would you keep this idiotic stance and lock your feelings away forever?
For the third time that night, your fingers rattled. Rin took them into her comforting palms.
“Go,” she murmured, and she smiled as she witnessed you burst into the hall.
Your strides were incredibly long as you hurried down the corridor. The doors blurred on either side of your vision, the pattern of the floor elongated with your fast pace. Your camera thudded into your chest over and over. Step after step after step got faster and faster as your anxiousness bubbled into your brain. The last turn before the stairs made you skid, and you rushed up the rickety steps. Your heart was thrumming, scratching at your chest to set it free.
When you got to his door, you were certain you woke sleeping neighbors with your rapid knocking. But you couldn’t stop yourself. Nothing could possibly stop you now.
You had no plan. There wasn’t time to think. All you wanted was to see him. All you could think about was letting everything out. Eight hours. You had eight hours.
Seokjin tugged the door open, pausing mid-swing when he saw your face. He looked so beautiful. Full of warmth. Like home.
“Jinnie.”
You didn’t mean to call him that, but you didn’t take it back. You weren’t taking anything back anymore. His eyes roamed over your features multiple times, searching for any indication that this was a dream. But it wasn’t. The words finally slipped from your lips.
“I’m not following your advice. Or my own.”
His eyebrows furrowed, but you pushed on.
“I’m giving up. But I’m giving up because I can’t let you go.” When Seokjin stared at you, it was impossible to look away.
His response came out in a rush, “What are you… what are you saying?”
“I’m saying I love you.” You huffed out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Damn it, I— I just love you. I love you so much it hurts.”
A shaky exhale left you at the look on his face. The quick descent into realization formed in the corners of his eyes, tears pooled at the edges before quickly streaming down his cheeks, collecting at the crux of his chin. Glassy orbs bore straight into your soul in search of answers, of truth. And if he wanted those answers, you already admitted the biggest one, so words were easier to come by.
“I’ve felt this way ever since our trip last year,” you started, slowly inching toward the wreck of a man. Not like you fared any better with the streaks forming on your own cheeks. “And I know it’s the stupidest thing to tell you now since you’re leaving, and we failed at long distance before, but--”
Seokjin breathed out your name, and his next words would stay imprinted in your mind forever. “I still want to try. And I’ll try as many times as you’ll let me.”
“I know. I know that now,” you whispered.
Passion and warmth bloomed in your chest, spiraling out into the far reaches of your limbs. Hundreds of nights imagining him accepting you again didn’t prepare you for this feeling. Nothing was holding you back; your walls came crashing down.
You finally broke and shielded your face in your hands, and you felt sturdy arms shield you from the world. The cruel, beautiful world that brought you two together right before he disappeared from your life again. You cried, and sobbed, and wheezed. The elation from his confession only magnified the pain of his departure.
You felt the weight of the Polaroid leave your chest as Seokjin lifted it from your neck. “Come inside,” Seokjin whispered into your hair, earning a hiccup from your chest. “Please.”
It was only then that you noticed you were still out in the hall. A small nod from you was all he needed to guide you into his room, and your throat constricted at the bags lying open on the bed.
Seokjin was already packing. Packing while thinking he was going to go through the same thing he went through last time. You felt absolutely sick. How could you even think of doing this to him? If there was a way to make it all up to him, you would do it. “I didn’t want to tell you before,” you confessed, burying your nose into his chest. “But that was wrong of me. You almost left without knowing. I’m so sorry.”
Strong, lean fingers traveled through your hair as your camera was placed on a table. The heavy clunk it made reached your ears, and a whisper followed. “I didn’t want to tell you, either. You don’t need to apologize.”
“If I told you earlier, we would’ve had more time. Now I’m just sad.”
“Look at me.” Jin caressed the back of your head, naturally lifting your gaze. His watery eyes took yours in, and he leaned forward to kiss the top of your hair. “We still have tonight, so if we’re going to be sad, let’s wait until after.”
“But you’re crying, too,” you observed, feeling slightly better from his words. How Seokjin was able to have that effect on you, you would never understand.
A light huff from him made you melt. “That’s because I’m so happy,” he confessed, softly laughing again and wiping his eyes with both hands.
He was happy. Seokjin was happy. You looked at the growing smile under his fingers, and you had no choice but to grin and join in his laughter.
Not because it was funny. But because it was unbelievable. You were able to gift him the last piece he was missing - he was finally able to find that happiness. How were you about to deny that from him? Now it seemed unfathomable.
When you looked at his hands again, you noticed there were lingering cuts. Worry washing over you, you cradled one in your palms and asked as Seokjin looked at you, “Should I take care of this, too?” Though the man had more than enough knowledge on playground injury care, you still offered because you wanted to be there for him in any possible way.
He replied instantly, “I took care of everything. Jimin, too. You saw him being his usual self earlier.”
“He said he’d give you hell if you didn’t talk to me on this trip. I didn’t think he would go this far, though.” You reached up to run a thumb along the small gash on Seokjin’s cheek, the blood drying into a deep red. “I’ll make him regret it later.”
Jin leaned into your touch, causing sparks in your skin. “Don’t,” he whispered, “He’s the reason I ended up at your door.”
You just nodded and lost yourself in the feel of his soft face. It was incredibly smooth under your fingers, even better than when you held his cheeks all those years ago. To think that this man loved you ever since then, and continued to do so until now, was unbelievable. But it was true, and no amount of words could account for how you felt about that.
Those eyes overflowing with adoration and affection were solely for you, and diving into them felt like being immersed in sunlit waters.
“Can I kiss you?”
The simple question took you by surprise, but you gazed at his lips. They only looked inviting, so who were you to deny him? “Please,” you sighed, and your eyelids closed shut at his pillowy touch.
Color sprang from your heart at his confession, but heat burst from your chest at his kiss. The moment his lips met yours, every worry wrapped around your conscience snapped in two. Vines of doubt, regret, and anxiety withered under the warmth of Seokjin’s touch. It was cleansing. Powerful. Searing.
A hand captured the back of your neck, and Jin took advantage of your gasp by dragging his tongue around the edge of your lips, a wordless plea to let him in. You gave in immediately, leaning forward and deepening the kiss, roping his tongue and eliciting a groan.
Heat rushed between your legs and you echoed his sound with a soft moan of your own. Unwittingly, your hands found their way to Seokjin’s chest and you reveled in the feel of him under the thin material of his shirt. Without breaking your lips from his, you skirted the cotton hem with your fingers.
Jin knew what you wanted, and his grin against your mouth only made you flush with desire. He broke from your lips to fully remove his shirt, and seeing his bare chest wiped the air from your lungs. You could only stare as you took in the lines of his solid build, wondering how the hell he had the time to achieve that look.
Seokjin smirked at your reaction, tossing his top and hauling the bags off his bed while you were taking time to process everything. “Do I need to charge you?”
You shook your empty head like a zombie. Your brain was currently mush, purely focused on the way his muscles rippled and slid against the confines of his skin. “No, don’t. I didn’t bring any money with me.”
Laughter erupted from the other side of the bed. After Seokjin placed the last bag on the floor, he straightened and clarified, “I meant plug you in. You seem to be buffering over there. Low battery?”
“Shut up and get on the bed,” you teased, shrugging off the coat you still had on. You didn’t even get to change since coming in from the campfire.
“Shut up and get on the bed, yes,” Seokjin fired back mercilessly as he sat on the comforter. He knew exactly how to push you. Even though you laughed, you made you way over to him and stood between his legs.
You were silent then. No matter how happy you were, his departure tomorrow was weighing on you. The time you had with him was short.
You wanted to make the most of it. Bringing your hand up to his face, you made sure to lightly skim over his gashes before mapping the rest. You wanted to ingrain every curve, every dip, every feature into memory. Every second was precious. The polaroid you had of him would still be no match for the real thing. If only you could capture the warmth of someone and keep it frozen in time.
Sure fingers clasped your hand, and Seokjin softly pulled you closer. Your first instinct was to rush in and hug him for dear life, and he immediately did the same to you, snatching the breath from your lungs and tugging tears from your ducts. You buried your face into his neck, inhaling his familiar scent and lamenting all the time you spent worrying over the smallest things.
“We don’t have a lot of time,” Seokjin whispered, squeezing your heart.
“I know,” you choked. You didn’t have much else to say.
“I just want to make sure we use it to do what you want.”
You loosened your hold on him, astonished by his consideration. The growing bulge under his pants was more than screaming his wants. You felt it ever since the first kiss. But even still, he wanted to accommodate you. Your needs before his.
It just made you fall for him even more.
Reaching down to skim your fingers along his cock straining against his pants, you hovered your lips over his neck. “I want you,” you whispered before descending upon the smooth expanse of skin and earning a groan.
Without warning, Seokjin tightened his arms around you. In one smooth motion, he effortlessly lifted you to straddle his thighs. You didn’t have time to think as he followed up with grabbing your head, pulling you down for another heated kiss. Your fingers latched onto his shoulders, scraping them when he thrust his tongue into your mouth.
“Don’t do that yet,” he grunted, and you didn’t need to ask why after feeling a twitch in his jeans.
You obeyed for the time being, cupping his neck with both hands. When you rolled your body against his, the hard feel of his stomach made you whimper. It was when you settled back on his hardness that your eyes widened. You were sure he was aching despite his silence. Maybe you could help him out a bit. “Jinnie,” you whispered, a firm hand on his chest, “Lie back for me.”
“I love hearing that again,” Seokjin admitted through a content smile, starting a fire across your cheeks. He leaned back after giving you another peck, and you plucked yourself from his thighs to take your shoes off.
But time was your biggest motivator to strip most of your clothes at that moment - not just your boots. Your pants were first, followed by your sweater, and finally your shirt. The whole time, Seokjin stayed propped on his elbows, watching you intently. He couldn’t hide the adoration in his eyes even if he tried. As he watched you stand there in nothing but your set, he smiled. “You’re beautiful.”
“Thank you,” you whispered in return. “Still not as great as you, though.” You started unbuttoning his jeans before he could defend his stance, and he lifted his lower body to help you shrug them off with his underwear. When Seokjin’s thick cock sprung free, your heart jumped at the sight. It had been so long since you felt it, tasted it, rode it. Was he thinking the same? Taking his velvety length in your hand for the first time in a long time, you felt a burst of confidence at its familiarity and his response.
“Baby,” he groaned, running a hand through his hair. “Please.”
You didn’t need another word. At the sound of the familiar pet name, you already started hovering over his cock, admiring how pretty it was before diving in. Licking around the head, you used the slick to glide your mouth far down his shaft, rolling your hand along the bottom to coat the rest.
Seokjin jolted at the sudden pleasure, and you felt a pang in your heart. You wanted him to remember this night. And you were much more experienced than you were before, though you would only get so much time to prove your growth.
Coming up for air, you used your hand to gather the rest of your spit and slide it down his cock, rubbing it a few times before diving down again. The stilted, garbled noises coming from your filled mouth were even getting your own underwear soaked, but they weren’t a match for Seokjin’s. His delicious grunts and moans sent you close to the edge. They were deeper than you remembered, and he wasn’t one to shy away from showing you how turned on and pleasured he was feeling.
The prominent veins of his cock were the roads along which your tongue traveled, and you made sure to love them all in between stuffing him fully in your warm mouth. He was so big, but you wanted to take every inch, tears welling in your eyes with your efforts.
You fought through even when you felt him rock the back of your throat. Seokjin took that moment to sit up, causing tears to leak fully down your cheeks at the deeper thrust. His hands dove into your hair, but he didn’t force your head down. Instead, they tugged you off his cock, and he gazed down lovingly at your wrecked expression. Jin’s voice dipped an octave and came out coated in sin as he asked, “Can you go a little more for me, beautiful?”
Your body tingled on instinct. You nodded and, when he smiled, you gripped his drenched dick in your fingers before descending your mouth onto his balls. Seokjin bucked his hips forward in a jolt as you grinned, lapping at his salty skin and delighting in the tremulous groans rolling down your back. Your hand squeezed the tip of his shaft before you straightened again, taking his cock captive without pause.
“Shit,” he grunted, his long fingers diving into your hair. His hands still didn’t push you down further, oddly, so you took the initiative and plunged down yourself.
The feel of his cock in your mouth was so familiar. It was almost second nature how easily you sucked him off, knowing when to hollow your cheeks and pull him further down the abyss of ecstasy. When to sink further and hum, ripping a delicious sound from his throat. Even when to bob and swirl your head around, effectively shutting down his ability to function.
It was then that you chose to really bring it home. You breathed through your nose as you took more and more of him in, even after you couldn’t breathe anymore. You felt your nose hit this pubic bone, and the long moan you got from Seokjin was worth the burn in your throat. His fingers tightened around your head, but when you came up gasping for air he didn’t stop you.
“Come here,” is all he said, tugging you up to straddle him again. A trail of saliva swung from your lips as you came up, but you paid it no mind. If anything, it added to the building lust inside your bones. Your panties were absolutely drenched by now, so dragging your core along Seokjin’s cock caused both of you to twinge. “Fuck,” he gasped, fueling your heat.
“Jinnie, please,” you whimpered, your voice hoarse. You wanted everything from him at once. You were getting impatient, and the overwhelming time pressure was stressing you the hell out. “I need you, please.”
Suddenly, everything stopped as Seokjin cradled your chin and swiped the spit from your lips. “You have me,” he assured you. “You have all of me.” He kissed your nose. “And you’ll have me for a very long time.”
Relenting, you leaned into his touch. “Now is what I’m concerned about.”
“I know,” he agreed before kissing you again. “I just wanted you to know the rest.”
“Okay,” you whispered before capturing his full lips with your own. When you felt him wrapping his arms around you, your heart leaped into your throat. When you felt him shift the both of you to lower you onto the bed, you already knew fresh tears were waiting behind your eyes.
With great care, Jin slipped your underwear off your smooth legs. Your bra was deftly unhooked next - not without an eyebrow raise from you and a wink from him - and tossed from the bed.
Staring at your naked form, Seokjin appeared completely lost in thought. It got to the point where you felt like covering yourself, but when you attempted to he swiftly denied any insecurity. “Don’t keep this from me,” he whispered. “I want to remember everything.”
You kept it together until then. Something in you broke and you softly choked on a cry. So he was thinking the same as you. This was the last night for a long time.
Starting from your shoulder, he kissed his way down along your neck, your collarbone, your chest. Taking one breast in one hand, he swirled his tongue around the nipple of the other. You gasped from the sudden burst of pleasure, which made Seokjin repeat the motion on the other side. He then lightly sucked on the nipple, releasing it with a small pop.
You wanted to close your eyes and lose yourself in the waves of pleasure he was giving you, making his way down your body. But you wanted to relive this night again and again. So you had to keep your eyes on him. Only him. His mouth’s searing heat as it kissed along your stomach, and the stark cold left behind when he moved on. His soft touch as he gently pried your legs open, and dark, lust-filled eyes as he stared at your dripping entrance. You wanted to remember the way he kissed along your legs, nipping in some places to make you gasp. The way his beautiful lips connected with your heat in a reverent kiss before his tongue explored inside. Each flick of his tongue, squeeze of his fingers on your legs, noise from his lips. How you loved him through every second of him worshipping you.
As soon as he brought his fingers up to caress your folds while sucking on your clit, you had to stop him. It was too much. You wanted to feel him when you broke.
Seokjin wordlessly obeyed as he crawled above you. You pulled him down for a kiss, not caring how he tasted. Your hands then went to his shoulders as he positioned himself at your entrance.
“Are you still…”
“Yes,” you nodded, touched that he remembered. “I’m still on it.”
“Okay.” He swooped down to capture your lips, and when you clenched your fingers around his shoulders, he grunted. “Are you okay to take it all?”
“Go slow. For now,” you said, earning a nod. “It’s been awhile.”
Seokjin’s gaze was heavy as he prepared himself. “Same.”
At the initial push, you whooshed out a gasp. It had been way too long since you’d been with someone. The intrusion indeed hurt. Maybe you should have let him prep you more, in hindsight. But Seokjin was nothing but tender as he waited for you to adjust. Once you were okay, he steadily pushed out and in again, going deeper. Slowly but surely, you were able to fully take him in.
And the feel of him completely inside you was nothing like you’ve felt before. It was comfort. It was home. It was a perfect fit, and you wanted to stay like that forever.
“God,” Seokjin groaned, “I don’t want to leave this room.”
You chuckled, rolling your hips. “Hmm, pussy or Harvard. That’s a pretty tough one.”
“If it’s yours, Harvard can wait,” Seokjin grunted before sending your thoughts spiraling with a huge thrust. You outright whined at him, but he pulled out only to spear you again with one long motion. “You still like it rough, baby?”
Chills cascaded down your spine and pooled at the apex of your toes. This was the Seokjin you were waiting for. You wondered if he was still into that after witnessing everything he was doing for you beforehand. But oh, were you ready for the pivot. “Fuck, yes,” you moaned. “You know I do.”
“You still have your word?”
“Carousel, yes.”
“Good girl.” That was all Seokjin needed. Grabbing the top of the headboard behind you, he launched into a rough and relentless pace that had you seeing stars. You felt so full, yet so weightless as you let your body go limp. The feel of Seokjin’s cock slamming into you repeatedly would continue to exist for months after tonight, the ridges of it sliding along your walls never forgotten entirely. You needed as much as he could give, and he knew that.
Gripping one of your legs, he hauled it over his sweat-slicked shoulder and tilted himself to reach a deeper position, twisting his reddened face to plant kisses on your ankle. Mewl after mewl tumbled from your lips at the deep thrusts.
“Touch yourself for me, baby,” Jin commanded while still pounding into you, and you wouldn’t dream of disobeying. Your fingers went straight for your jiggling breasts, teasing your nipples and tugging them for his blown out eyes. You moaned, and smirked when you saw Seokjin beginning to lose himself.
His tell was his scrunched eyebrows, and his eyes shifting down to watch his cock ram into your tight cunt. You still knew, after years.
You fell into complete ecstasy when he reached down with his free hand to rub your clit between your bodies, loving the way the veins in his arms protruded. Imagining licking along them all made you moan. And you didn’t care if the people around you heard. All of your mewls, moans, whines - they were all for Jin. He could have all of you again and again.
After one particularly deep thrust, he tugged his cock out, leaving your walls fluttering around an agonizing emptiness. “Turn around. On your knees.”
“Holy fuck, yes,” you rasped. He wasn’t letting the night go to waste at all.
Before you even assumed the next position, you felt a hand come down on your ass. The smack jolted you forward in pain, with pleasure settling in its wake.
“So pretty,” Seokjin whispered, ghosting his hand over the spot he spanked. He gave it another smack before gripping your ass cheeks apart. You assumed he was roving his eyes over your drenched core. “And still so wet.”
“Just for you,” you affirmed.
“Just for me,” he repeated before adjusting his knees on the bed to get closer. “But you might be too loud tonight, baby. I’m going to need silence from you this time.”
Shit. You were never, ever good at this part. But you nodded. What you weren’t expecting right away was the initial stroke to be rough, right down to the hilt. You cried out immediately, earning you a harsh spank.
Seokjin’s sudden laugh made you chuckle in embarrassment. He breathily joked, “Out of practice?”
“Something like that,” you admitted, your elbows and grin lost in the sheets. “I’m rusty.”
“Okay, let’s just do this then.” Jin leaned forward, stretching over you. You groaned at the feel of his solid chest on your soft back, your eyes rolling into your head feeling him completely mold into you for a moment. He got a fluffy pillow from the other side of the bed and let your head rest on it. “Can you bite this for me, my love?”
The new name spread wildfire across your face. “Yes. That I can do,” you assured him. When you had the material securely in your mouth, you nodded to signal he could continue.
“Good girl.” And continue Seokjin did. He went right back into the dominant Jin he loved being, and the one you loved being with. There was no mercy in his thrusts, stroke after stroke after stroke. If you lifted your back a little or lowered your butt, he smacked your supple flesh and corrected you instantly. “Ass up, baby.”
With Jin’s relentless pace, your body went limp and hung on by a thread. Loosening up allowed for even more of his cock, and your muffled moans started getting louder the closer and closer you got to the edge. You could feel your core tightening, threatening to unleash the pent up tension.
“That’s it, beautiful,” Seokjin praised, feeling your walls squeeze around him. “Do you want to come like this?”
You hastily shook your head. You wanted to see him when you came. And if you remembered correctly, he loved seeing your face when it happened, as well.
“Too bad,” he chuckled darkly, and you almost came undone right then. “Guess you’ll have to come again the way you want to later.” Reaching under you, he toyed with your clit as he kept the pace from behind.
You let go of the pillowcase as you kicked your head back in a moan, your saliva trail slowly gravitating toward the sheets. Seokjin only let you breathe for a second before pushing your head back down into the thin material. “Make noise again and you won’t come at all.”
Fuck. You bit hard into the pillow, tears forming at the corners of your eyes as you felt yourself losing control. His fingers felt divine on your bundle of nerves, his dick sliding through your folds over and over and over. The hand he placed on your head smoothed over your hair before bunching it and tugging. You reared back, dots swimming in your vision. “God, I want to choke you. Can I do that, my love?”
You released the pillow from your mouth again. His consideration was top notch tonight. Too much? You couldn’t decide or really care. “Yes, just do it. Do anything. Please. I’m so close.”
“Mm. Then cover your mouth.” Before you could follow his command, Seokjin pulled you up by a shoulder to be flush against his front. Sweat coated your back and your ass, causing you to slide down his chiseled stomach while speared on his cock. A strong hand wrapped around your throat, and the fingers that were teasing your clit mercilessly now ventured into the front of your folds.
One of your hands shot up to clamp over your mouth right before you let out a long groan. You loved when he took control, and when he lost control. If both happened at the same time, it was heaven.
You could barely last on your knees as his dick slammed up into you repeatedly. The hand around your airway was tight but only just, his praises in your ear being the real culprit of your stolen breath. Your pussy clenched harshly around his length, and you knew from the tight coil in your body that you were seconds from euphoria.
Seokjin felt it instantly. “Come, baby.” And as soon as he relinquished your throat did you give in, waves of pleasure coursing through you and a white burn shimmering in your lungs. It seemed endless. Ripple after ripple thrummed through your body, your joints slowly unlocking from their initial freeze. Behind you, Seokjin groaned and sang sweet nothings in your ear, his arms wrapping around your chest in a scorching embrace.
The high ebbed, but did not completely recede. You knew Jin still needed release, so you kissed his wrist next to your shoulder and whispered, “I want to see you now.”
“Whatever you need.” Seokjin slowly unsheathed himself, and you felt a slight pain. You watched as he positioned his back on the headboard. He knew what you wanted to do.
You made your way over to him and hovered over his length. Locking your hazy eyes with his dark set, you kissed him lazily as you languidly sank back onto him. Seokjin groaned when you didn’t use your hand as a guide beforehand. And frankly, that turned you on, too.
“You’re so tight still,” he grunted, his hands coming up and grabbing your ass before settling on your hips.
You rolled your hips before finding a rhythm. “You’re just big,” you mock complained, earning a deep chuckle.
“Aww. You sound. So. Sad,” he teased, thrusting up into you to punctuate each word. Your mewls were welcome now since he was done with his role. Now he could just sit back and enjoy your show for him. And occasionally torture you.
You found your rhythm again, rougher with him now with your hands in his dark, sweaty locks. One of your hands dropped onto his chest and raked down his breast, eliciting a higher moan than normal.
The sound caused heat to pool between your legs again, and you upped the pace. Your thighs burned from the exertion, but you kept yourself distracted by diving into Jin’s neck and nipping in multiple places. His arms left your hips to wrap around your back, and your breath faltered as he took over again.
Seokjin was close. He was always close when his limbs locked hard into place. His upward thrusts were fast and hard, and you could only moan in his ear and take him in. The coil that released once tonight was tightening again, and you murmured in his ear that you were close.
Seokjin only needed to kiss you like his life depended on it for you to unravel again. The wave was weaker than last time, but it could still cover mountains. Your head felt light, dancing above the clouds with no intention of coming down. You pushed yourself from his lips, allowing him to see your flushed chest and reddened cheeks. The second orgasm faded and loosened your limbs, but your heart felt completely connected to his, your soul nestled into the comfort of his tender embrace. “I love you,” you sighed, and you immediately felt a huge twitch between your folds.
“Lie down, baby. I’m close.”
“It’s okay,” you whispered, cradling his cheek. “Come inside me, Jinnie. I wanna feel you.”
“Shit,” he grunted. His thrusts descended into madness. Your heart rattled at the sight of his dusted red cheeks, sweaty neck, heaving chest. He was the most beautiful man you’d ever seen, and the one you would overturn stars to find should you ever lose him again.
When he gazed down at your joined sex, you took in the wet strands of hair on his forehead. When he kicked his head back against the headboard to look at you with lidded eyes, you bit your swollen lips. This wonderful man was your lover, your ex, your friend, and now your lover again. Only this time, you truly loved him back. And you wanted to think back to this moment forever.
Tears sprung into your eyes as he pulled you in for a searing kiss, and his orgasm released into you in spurts. The thrusts he made then were slow and powerful, and your body bobbed with the swells. You kissed him harder than necessary, almost willing to bruise your own lips on his. The longer you held his lips captive, the longer he couldn’t see your sorrow.
But Seokjin already felt the drops ping his chest. He just let you cry because that’s what you needed. Even when he broke from the kiss, he never said a word. He trailed kisses along your wet cheeks, your sweaty nose, and your glistening forehead. His poignant visage held nothing but stars, and it reminded you of the night you fell in love, crushing your spirit ever more.
Touch after touch after touch only coaxed more tears from your eyes. It felt never ending as you sat spent in his lap, still on his softening length. Sheer willpower was what caused you to finally speak, your voice hoarse, “We should clean up. You still need to pack and sleep.”
“We should, and I do,” he whispered. He patted your bum. “Can you get up by yourself?”
You nodded before extracting yourself from his firm thighs, lamenting the fact that human bodies had limits. As you waddled to the bathroom, you stumbled along the way, Seokjin softly chuckled while following you and steadying you when needed. Even when you shot empty glares at him, the smile in his eyes never left.
The rest of your time spent in his room consisted of silence and kisses. Ever the gentleman, he let you lie down on his bed while he used the other half for the bags to pack. It didn’t take him too long since he was organized from the jump, so when he was done he cleared the bed and joined you under the covers. When you felt a weight on your stomach, you looked down to see your camera dumped on the comforter.
Seokjin wrapped a strong arm behind your neck. “What do you call naked pictures taken with a Polaroid?”
“Oh, no.” You turned your head to face him. “What?”
“Just pictures. But that’s old nudes.”
You punished him by attacking his sides instantly, yanking a batch of honky laughs from him. Knowing your own weaknesses still, he unleashed his own parry, and it took a minute for the both of you to settle in a draw.
“Don’t tell me the only reason you brought this into the bed was to tell that horrid joke,” you chuckled, your head back to resting in your pillow.
“Nope. I wanna take one of us.”
After getting past all seven of your objections and excuses, Seokjin whittled your walls down and got you to agree. The end product existed on the last film in your Polaroid: a crooked snapshot of him kissing your cheek as you smiled with creased eyes, sheets held against your chest. And he conceded in letting you keep it after watching you clutch it lovingly in your fingers.
You immediately sought comfort in his embrace after setting the photo next to your phone on the nightstand, and he stole multiple kisses from you way after your eyes couldn’t stay open any longer.
“Get some sleep, my love,” Seokjin whispered.
And despite your sound of protest, you were pulled into the abyss of sleep right as you felt pillowy lips caress your forehead.
Rin-Rin [6:40am]: You’re lucky I love you. I packed your stuff and left out an outfit for you when you come down. Just don’t be late or I’ll drag you back down myself :)))
Jiminie [6:45am]: RISE N SHINE LOVEBIRDS
Rin-Rin [6:46am]: Oh, yeah, I may or may not have texted Jimin.
Jiminie [6:46am]: ABOUT TIME
Jiminie [6:46am]: !!!
Tae [6:47am]: jimins scream woke me up. i can only assume that means ill get to be an uncle soon. dont let me down i want this(:
Joonie [6:48am]: Aaaaaaaaaa !!!
Jiminie [6:48am]: And I know you want to yell at me for yesterday so I am ready for that whenever you are
Kook [6:50am]: <3
You smiled at your texts before locking your phone. Seokjin was already up and about, making sure everything was packed and accounted for. When he saw you stirring, he came over and surprised you with a kiss so deep that it revitalized your sagging emotional state. “Morning,” you chuckled, swinging your sore legs out of the sheets and wincing at the cold. “I need to head back down.”
“Yeah, Rin already sent the first round of threats. I’ll see you at the car, okay?”
You pecked him on the cheek after you slipped on your boots and grabbed your Polaroid. Stepping into the hallway, you kept reminding yourself to not completely lose it yet. There was still a whole car ride you got to have with him, and you were determined to slow down time however you could.
Your phone buzzed again, and you assumed Yoongi and Hoseok were just now waking up and getting the gossip. Checking your notifications only validated your guess.
Hobi [6:52am]: AHHHHH HAPPY FOR U~!!!
Hobi [6:52am]: ASLSKDJSKDHSKDJ
Yoongi [6:53am]: I’ll make sure to drag him back sometimes. It’s ludicrous to say that we’d never see him again. Drama queen. Anyways, happy for you. If you need anything, let me know.
Hobi [6:53am]: we’ll see seokjinnie again love. and if u miss him a lot then we can make sure you see him. im sure he’ll be missing u too
How you were able to win the friend lottery and meet these people, you had no clue. But you weren’t going to ever question the fact. All you would do was embrace your blessings and love them.
The car ride to the airport was long, but still much too short for your liking. Between the loving gazes you directed at Seokjin as he sang along to Taehyung’s music, the looks full of mirth Jimin gave the both of you from the backseat, and the laughter of both Rin and Taehyung, you were the happiest you’ve felt in a very long time.
Throughout the ride, you got the feeling that you were going to be okay. Seokjin was starting an insane adventure, but you were also going to be there every step of the way. Not just on the polaroid he decided to stash in his bag, but in his heart and on his mind like Namjoon said around the fire.
There were still plenty of ways to see each other and communicate. And since he technically didn’t start until next summer, that gave you plenty of time to see him before then. The many possibilities made you question your hesitation in the first place.
But none of that diminished how much of a struggle it was still going to be.
When the car rolled to a stop in the airport parking lot, your chest constricted. When everyone got their bags out of the cars and started the trek to the shuttles, your hands shook on your straps. As soon as everyone started saying their byes and separating to check into their airlines, you found it hard to breathe.
But a tender hand brushed through your hair, and plush lips connected with your forehead. In an instant, you felt okay again.
Seokjin’s calm voice slipped over your features. “Your flight leaves in two hours, right?” When you nodded, he continued, “Okay. Come shop with me before I have to go to my gate!”
You tried your best to keep a positive attitude while you watched Jin peruse different airport stores. When he would hold stuff up for you to approve, you would smile or dramatically turn things down. Even the cute neck pillow he really wanted got the dreaded rejection.
But that was only so you could pay for it when he wasn’t looking and surprise him. The huge laugh and grin you got in return was worth the trouble.
When it was time for Seokjin to head to his gate, you brought him in for a crushing hug. “Let me know when you land,” you demanded.
“Of course, honey,” he said through a smile.
“‘Honey,’ now?” You regarded him with a raised eyebrow. “You have so many nicknames for me. I can’t keep up. Do you have a favorite you could stick with?”
Seokjin rested his chin on your head. “Ah, I have a favorite. But it’s not true yet, so I shouldn’t use it.”
A fire ignited in your heart, the flames warming you from the inside. “And which one is that?”
“Would you look at the time!” Jin’s body heat left you in a rush as he stepped away, and your instinctual pout made him laugh outright. He cupped your chin for a kiss that rocked your whole being before pulling away. His eyes held galaxies in them when he stared into yours. “Guess you’ll have to wait for the answer to that one.”
“You’re a jerk, Jinnie,” you huffed, but you kissed him again. “You’re lucky I love you.”
“I really am. And I love you,” he responded. His hand came down to squeeze yours before he had to part. “I’ll let you know when I make it. Call me when you get home, okay?”
“Okay,” you replied, and you watched his long strides with a heavy heart and a hopeful mind.
As you told yourself again and again, you were going to be okay. It was going to be tough, it was going to be absolutely painful. But as long as you decided to keep loving each other, everything would work out.
You knew better than anyone that love was a choice. And for Seokjin, you would choose it a thousand times over.
And besides, the current state of technology was on your side. The possibilities of communication were too endless for you to dwell on the distance. Were there going to be days in which you only received one text? Most likely. Were there going to be weeks where you weren’t going to hear much from Seokjin at all? Definitely. But this time, unlike last time, you welcomed every bit of it. Your heart built a bridge to his that defied any sense of physical distance. On opposite sides, both of you were achieving success in your own ways. In the end, you would always come back to each other to celebrate together. Even though this was the last November trip you had with Seokjin, it was the beginning of many, many wonderful years to come.
It was later, while you were waiting for your own flight to finish boarding, that a message was sent to your phone.
Jinnie [12:04pm]: Attachment: 1 Image
You couldn’t help but grin. As you gazed lovingly at the picture of Seokjin smiling next to your polaroid, another one came in before you could respond.
Jinnie [12:05pm]: Until you’re really next to me, this will have to do. Don’t get too jealous!
You laughed to yourself, rolling your eyes while setting the image as your wallpaper. Locking your phone, you tapped the glass to see your screen light up, observing the picture again.
On a plane heading to another city entirely, Seokjin was doing the exact same thing. Except in his case, he was smiling down at a girl caught in mid-laughter, body aglow from the bright yellow lights of a spinning carousel behind her.
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a/n: whewww so if you made it to the end, hi! i seriously enjoyed writing this and i learned so much. it’s my first fic and first huge one-shot, so if you have any comments/concerns/constructive feedback, please let me know! my ask box is always open, too. lastly, here is my m.list if you want to browse! 🌨🌨🌨
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feedback box (added nov. 25th, 2021):
⇥ of course, any reblogs/comments/messages are appreciated!
⇥ for the ones that aren’t okay with reblogging with a review, commenting on this, or sending a message, i went ahead and made another anonymous form where you can send in what you think!
⇥ no emails collected, no need to put in a username. it’s literally just a feedback dropbox :D
⇥ here!
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⇥ masterlist
#seokjin x reader#seokjin smut#seokjin x you#bts imagines#bts fanfic#seokjin angst#bts smut#bts angst#ryenwrites#member:seokjin#lastnovember#last november#ryen writes#seokjinsmut#hope you guys enjoy this one!#i know i said the 15th#but i was pretty excited#and finished the editing today!#ficswithluv#UPDATED MARCH 27TH 2021!!!
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Go Shorty!
(It's my birthday!)
In a kind of weird reverse universe, this is my gift to anyone who enjoys my Bastien Lykel fics, queued to be posted on my birthday. I've noted Fabricio's recent image change and it inspired the following - what would Bastien's family think if he shaved off his iconic goatee? Enjoy, its all fluff xx
Word Count 2035
Double Trouble
The last lecture of the week completed, Sophia was in her university office just putting her papers together when the faculty secretary put her head round the door.
‘Sophia, your home help has been in touch, she said it’s urgent’
‘Thanks Lizzy, I’ll be leaving soon anyway. It’s been a long week, I’m glad I’ve nothing on this afternoon.’ Sophia turned her mobile phone back on to see that Morag had left her a voice mail. She held the phone at arm’s length as she played back the sound of a harassed young woman and a squealing toddler in full meltdown.
‘Mrs Lykel, I’m sorry tae bother ye, but yer wee lassie’s upset, and her father cannae soothe her. Please call back when ye can. Or just come hame.’ Sophia frowned. It wasn’t like Bastien to fail to settle Beatrice. Little princess that she was, she was Daddy’s girl while Sophia was out at work through the week and welded to Sophia’s side at the weekend. She dialled the landline of their top floor regency apartment in the centre of Edinburgh that the University had allocated them. It was Bastien who answered, and all was quiet beyond his voice.
‘Sophia!’ he sounded flustered ‘Morag’s just got her to settle, did you get the message?’
‘It’s an odd time of day for a nap, is she running a temperature?’
‘Errm no, she’s hot, but she’s not ill. She’s just been crying...’
‘How do you know she’s not ill if she’s hot?’ Sophia demanded, making her way along the corridor to the car park to their SUV. Her mind span with possibilities.
‘I uh – you’ll understand when you get here, I can’t explain right now.’ Sophia decided not to stop off at the shops on the way, hoping Morag could go and get what was needed before she clocked off for the weekend. She wished she’d had the foresight to order a supermarket delivery, but she preferred to shop herself. With or without the children, she loved browsing the aisles of Waitrose when it wasn’t busy. Bastien was a surprisingly poor shopper and stuck religiously to the list, whereas she’d discover little treats and bargains that wouldn’t stretch her salary. Living in the city was expensive, although not nearly as much as if they’d moved to London, and having Morag to help was a slight strain on resources. Setting up Bastien’s security consultancy was taking longer than expected thanks to the complexity of looking after twins, and the retainer from King Liam in Cordonia was only just enough for small luxuries.
As soon as she opened the door to the apartment, Morag was there pulling her coat on and shouldering her bag.
‘Morag, I was hoping you’d be able to get some supp…’ Sophia started, but she was already pushing past her to the landing outside.
‘Ah’ll be back the Monday.’ she said shortly, and Sophia was left peering over the banister to the stairwell after her rapidly retreating figure, wondering what had happened. She turned back inside to meet Bastien holding Theo.
‘Mama.’ he crowed in jubilant greeting. Bastien stepped out of the shadowed hall, and all became clear.
‘Bas, you shaved!’ she gasped. She’d never seen her husband without facial hair in the few years she’d known him. He still had a neat ‘tache, but his trimmed goatee was gone, his chin and jawline bare. He looked sheepish, and she knew she shouldn’t have teased him about the streak of white in his beard. He handed over Theo, who pointed at Bastien.
‘Dada face.’ he proclaimed.
‘Yes, I thought perhaps…’ his voice trailed off ‘Well, that is, I mean...’
‘Beatrice didn’t like it, did she? Honestly Bas, you should have thought – why didn’t you say something?’ He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.
‘I thought perhaps a younger image might drum up some more business.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, age means experience, people are more likely to trust a distinguished looking gent.’ she scoffed. He sighed in exasperation.
‘Well the damage is done. Beatrice took one look at me and bawled her eyes out. Morag tried to calm her down, but every time she saw me again she’d set off crying.’
‘Well no wonder, you look completely different. How about Theo?’ she asked.
‘You know him – a bomb would go off and he wouldn’t flinch.’ In response Theo wriggled to get down, bored at the adult conversation. He toddled off to the toybox in the lounge to rummage for his current favourite, a shape sorting puzzle.
‘Well, I’d better go and take a look at her.’ Sophia sighed. ‘If she’s been crying all morning she’ll probably not wake up for a while.’ She feared that the disruption to her sleep schedule meant they’d be in for a rocky night at the very least, if not a couple of days. She opened the door to their bedroom a crack but could see little, as the curtains were drawn tight. Normally they let a little light in for daytime naps so the children would know night from day. She crept in and let her eyes adjust to the gloom. Beatrice lay on her back in her day clothes, one arm flung back over her head and her other thumb in her mouth. That wasn’t a good sign – she’d not used that form of self soothing for a couple of months. Her hair was damp and face flushed, but her breathing was steady and peaceful.
Sophia carefully held her palm over her forehead, feeling the slight heat coming off it. Bastien joined her, gazing down at the toddler, but she motioned him out of the room and followed quietly.
‘Well, she’s okay for now. I’d better be here for when she wakes up, so you can go shopping for the weekend.’ Bastien’s face dropped.
‘On a Friday? The traffic’s mayhem – can’t we order in?’
‘I couldn’t stop on the way back, and there won’t be any free delivery slots until at least Monday, you know that.’ She sighed. ‘If you take Theo with you it’ll be easier for when Bea wakes up, and you can play the ‘Dad doing the chores’ role, that’ll get you to the front of the checkout queue. Give him a banana, that will keep him happy.’
‘Narners?’ Theo called from the lounge, and came toddling to find Sophia, clinging to her leg and pulling at her clothes.
‘Lunch first, Theo, then Daddy will take you shopping. Won’t that be lovely? All boys together.’
‘Sopping’ Theo cried happily, then looked over at Bastien. ‘Mummy sopping?’ he asked hopefully. He knew Sophia was more likely to treat him than his father, although he did like pointing out the things Daddy couldn’t find. Perhaps he’d treat him more without his sister there to steal the limelight.
‘No darling, Mummy has to look after Bea.’
‘Bee cwy. Dada face.’
‘Yes, silly Daddy took his beard off. He’s funny isn’t he?’
‘Dada silly!’ Theo cried triumphantly and pointed at him. Bastien scowled.
‘Yes well okay, let’s all laugh at Daddy.’ he grumbled as Sophia picked Theo up and balanced him on her hip.
‘Well it’s better than crying’ she said acidly. ‘Now, do you want to make lunch, or shall I?’
-------
Lunchtime was much simpler than normal with just Theo to feed. The couple could eat their own food while the toddler busied himself with cheese sandwiches made with wholemeal bread. He left the crusts, but Sophia had discovered it pointless cutting them off, as he left some bread around the edge just as if the crust were still there. She often saved them to feed the ducks at the park with the twins. Bastien had literally just closed the door to take Theo out to the supermarket when she heard Beatrice stirring. She went into her quickly, to find her standing at the bars to the cot, hair curling round her face and cheeks blotchy.
‘Mummy.’ Her voice was croaky and she looked miserable. ‘Dada face!’ she told her. She stretched her arms up and Sophia scooped her up as she rubbed her eyes sleepily. Perhaps she’d think it was a dream.
‘Well hello my little Bea, you’ve had a difficult morning. Are you hungry?’ She nodded sleepily.
‘Sippy sippy, Mummy.’ The little girl was obviously thirsty too.
‘Of course darling, you can have juice. Do you want sandwiches?’
‘Widges, Mummy.’ She looked across to Theo’s cot. ‘Where Feeo?’ Sophia sucked in her breath. It was very rare that the children were separated and she braced herself for trouble.
‘He’s gone out to the shops to get more narners, darling.’ The little girl clung on to her and rested her head on her chest, seemingly pleased to have Sophia to herself. She carried her through to the kitchen and filled her sippy cup with juice. Gratefully Bea grabbed at it and drank greedily, eyes rolling back in bliss.
‘All gone’ she shook it upside down, sprinkling the last dregs on the floor. Luckily the sandwiches were ready from earlier so Sophia put them on the tray of the high chair. Bea shook her head and clung on tight as she tried to put her down.
‘Okay darling, you can sit on my knee this time’ she said gently, and sat at the table, the little girl firmly nestled on her lap. She reached out to take a sandwich and squeezed it in her fist before stuffing half of it in her mouth, crumbs falling everywhere. She was hungry, and Sophia wondered if she’d had anything to eat before her father’s transformation. She waited until she’d slowed down.
‘Morag told me you were upset this morning.’ she said gently. The little girl took a shuddering breath.
‘Dada face bad.’ she said, putting her hand to her chin. Sophia stepped in before the cycle of crying could restart.
‘I know, Bea. He shaved his beard off. He looks funny now, doesn’t he? Theo was laughing at Daddy.’ Beatrice burrowed into her side again, hiding her face. ‘It’s okay darling, he just looks different. He still loves you – and me, and Theo. Silly Daddy, he’ll grow it back.’
‘Where Daddy?’ she asked, voice muffled.
‘He took Theo out to get more narners.’
‘Sopping?’ Beatrice relaxed and looked up at her enquiringly.
‘That’s right. Is there anything you want from the shops? I can call Daddy on his phone and tell him.’ The tot looked thoughtful.
‘Ice kweem?’
‘Okay, if Daddy brings you ice cream will you give him a kiss? His face is all smooth now, like Mummy’s.’ Beatrice giggled at the thought.
‘Like Mummy!’ she exclaimed. ‘Daddymummy!’
‘You can talk to him on the phone if you like, tell him what you want.’ Sophia got out her phone and texted Bastien.
Call when you can, Bea wants to ask you for ice cream
It was a few minutes before her phone rang, during which time she had changed the little girl’s nappy and was dressing her in clean clothes.
‘Oh that will be Daddy, just wait a minute darling.’ Beatrice opened and closed her hands, demanding it for herself, but Sophia put it on speakerphone.
‘Beatrice is here, Bas. She wants to ask you something.’
‘Daddymummy!’ Beatrice burbled. ‘Ice kweem, Daddy.’
‘Come on now, say please.’ Sophia prompted. Beatrice put on her cutest expression, unaware that her father couldn’t see it.
‘Pweese Daddy, stawby.’
‘Okay Bea, I’ll get strawberry ice cream. I love you, my little Bea. I’m sorry I scared you.’
‘Silly Daddy. Kisses!’ There was a short pause before Bastien obliged, blowing kisses to his daughter. Sophia tried not to laugh, wondering where he was and who could see him.
‘Okay now Bea, Daddy has to get the rest of the shopping. He’ll be back soon.’
‘Bye Daddy.’
‘Bye, my sweeting. Be good for Mummy.’ Beatrice slid off Sophia’s lap and went off to the toybox, obviously happy with life, and she breathed a sigh of relief.
‘If it’s any help, I told her your face is like Mummy’s now, so be prepared to be called Daddymummy until she’s forgotten. You’d better grow that beard back fast, mister.’ she said in a low tone. 'and be prepared for a rough bedtime, she'll be full of beans after that nap.'
@sirbeepsalot @katedrakeohd @fluffyfirewhiskey @bascmve01 @rainbowsinthestorm @nomadics-stuff @kingliam2019 @texaskitten30 @stopforamoment
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Caught in his web, Chapter 46
Chloe was curled up on Loki’s lap while they watched TV. It was mid-afternoon, but Loki was working from home that day and decided to finish early. Cause he could.
They’d tired Bear out previously, so he was sound asleep in his bed next to the sofa. Giving them some peace and quiet for an hour or two, if they were lucky. He was going through his mad phase.
Loki was absentmindedly stroking Chloe’s hair, she was revelling in the affection. While she enjoyed the sex and orgasms that Loki could give her, she really enjoyed moments like this. Where he was just cuddling her and being affectionate. It made her heart happy.
‘Are you meeting Georgie and Amanda this weekend?’ Loki asked quietly during the adverts.
Chloe shook her head. ‘Nah, no plans to. I think Georgie has family from Australia coming over for a few weeks so I might not see much of her out-with college… Why? Are you wanting rid of me?’ Chloe tilted her head right back to look at him.
Loki chuckled and gave her knee a squeeze. ‘Of course not, doll. Ben and David are coming over tomorrow, they’re staying for dinner and I wanted to make sure you were going to be around to join us.’ He smiled.
‘You’re not gonna be talking business all night though, are you?’ She grumbled.
‘No business talk.’ He grinned, rubbing her back.
‘Sounds good then.’ She snuggled back in against him.
‘I’m glad you think so.’ He purred, the hand on her knee slid upwards, underneath her skirt. She squirmed on his lap as he tickled up her inner thigh. ‘Spread your legs for me, doll.’
Chloe trembled at his tone and did as he asked. She almost melted into a puddle as his hand dove down into her knickers and he started playing with her softly. Relaxing into him, she closed her eyes and sighed in pleasure.
‘I could do this all night.’ Loki purred, nuzzling her cheek. He grinned when she whimpered and blushed. ‘Does that sound appealing to you, doll?’
She clutched at his shirt tightly and bit her lip. ‘Pleaseeee don’t torture me tonight.’ She whined.
Loki chuckled. ‘Aww, why not? That is my most favourite thing to do.’ He hummed, slowing his circling of her clit down with his thumb as two fingers slowly slid into her, rubbing against her g spot in a torturous manner.
‘Lokiiiii!’ She tried pushing down more on his fingers, but he didn’t go any faster. It was a delicious kind of torture that was slowly building. He knew how to do her so well, hitting all the right places. And he knew when she was close to cumming, so he slowed down even more and dragged it out further.
‘Please, Loki. Please.’ She begged.
‘Hmmm. I suppose since you do beg so prettily you should be rewarded.’ He squeezed her side as he picked up the pace with his fingers, going to town on her g spot and clit.
Chloe cried out as Loki made her cum. Her toes curled as she clenched her thighs together, trapping his hand, but it didn’t stop him from continuing to stimulate her through her orgasm. He slowed his movements down as her entire body shook in pleasure.
Pressing a kiss to her forehead, he kept stroking her softly. She whimpered and buried her face into his chest.
‘Do you want me to stop?’
‘No!’ She gasped, it felt far too good. It wasn’t too rough or fast, he was stroking her nicely. It felt so good.
Loki grinned and granted her wish. He kept it up for a while, slowly working up to another orgasm. And again, and again. But he never pushed her too hard by making her orgasm straight after another, he gave her time to come down from the high. He kept the stimulation at just the right tempo, nice and gentle.
Chloe felt like she was flying high, like the pleasure was deep down inside her, even in her bones. Part of her never wanted it to end.
Loki was quite enjoying himself. He enjoyed the way she was squirming in his lap, softly moaning and whimpering, it ramped up whenever he made her cum. The way her face was flushed red, forehead sweaty. But what he also loved, was how wet she was. And more was still flowing out of her, the longer her toyed with her.
When he slowed down and eventually stopped, she was so sensitive and still feeling extremely horny. He removed his hand from down her knickers and sucked his fingers clean, grinning wickedly at her as she blushed.
‘You taste delicious.’ He purred.
-
The following day, Chloe offered to make her carbonara for dinner. Loki jumped at the offer and sent Tania home early.
Loki circled his arms around Chloe and kissed the tip of her nose. ‘As a thank you for cooking dinner, I will personally see to it that you get plenty of orgasms at bed time tonight.’ He grinned.
‘Oh, you’ll personally see to it, will you? Who else would do it anyway?’ She grinned back up at him.
Loki opened his mouth, but then realised he hadn’t expected a back chat like that so for once didn’t know what to say. Chloe laughed and pulled away from his hold, checking they had everything in the cupboards for making the carbonara.
But Loki followed and kept trying to hold her, she managed to get her way round the kitchen and mentally took note of everything she needed. Even with Loki kissing her neck, she managed to stay focused.
‘Well, if you’re wanting carbonara you’re going to need to let me go to the shop. We don’t have the main ingredient, chicken!’ She giggled and tried escaping him again as his kissing became sloppy on her neck. But he grabbed her wrist and hauled her back into him.
‘There’s plenty of time. I’m sure we could get a quick one in first.’ He suggested, but then his mobile rang. He growled in annoyance, but had to take it.
Chloe patted his chest. ‘I won’t be long.’
‘Take Nelson if you want.’ Loki said quickly before answering.
‘It’s a nice day, I’ll walk and take Bear.’ Chloe called to him over her shoulder as she headed out.
Luckily their local shop was just a fifteen-minute walk away and it allowed well behaved dogs in. So Chloe called on Bear, clipped on his lead and headed out.
She was just at the end of the path when a car pulled up and David got out.
‘Hello, darling.’ He greeted and made his way over to her.
‘Hey, you’re nice and early.’ She said as David crouched down to pet an excitable Bear first.
‘Loki wanted to discuss a few things, told me that you said business is strictly off during dinner.’ David chuckled and stood up, giving Chloe a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
‘Nice that you greet the dog first.’ She teased.
‘Of course. Bear is too cute to resist.’ He winked at her and gave her shoulder a squeeze. ‘Where you off to?’
‘Nipping to the shop for a few things for dinner tonight. I won’t be too long, so you best get the business chat over with!’ Chloe said as she continued on.
‘I’ll make sure we’re all finished for your return.’ David laughed.
Chloe enjoyed her walk to the shop, it was a nice day and she just felt so at peace and happy with everything right now. She hadn’t been bothered by her father in a while, Stones was not a bother anymore. College was going well. Yep, she was in a pretty good place.
Even though she didn’t need much, she took a trolley anyway so Bear could lie in it while she did her shop. It wasn’t really allowed, but the shop owner adored Bear so made the exception for her. It was good socialisation for him too, as many people wanted to stop and speak to him.
She was queuing at the till when someone tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around to find Ben smiling down at her. ‘I thought that was you! The puppy in the trolley kind of gave it away, too.’ Ben chuckled.
‘Hi, Ben. Yeah, is a bit of a giveaway.’ She laughed.
‘How are you, love?’ Ben put his arm around her and kissed her cheek.
‘Good thanks, you?’
‘I’m very well. Excited to finally get to taste this chicken carbonara of yours.’ He grinned.
‘That’s exactly why I’m here. Needed ingredients.’
It was Chloe’s turn at the till, but Ben took the divider from her things and his away. ‘Allow me to get this for you.’
‘There’s no need.’
‘It would be my pleasure.’ He insisted.
‘Thank you… Loki pays for it anyway.’ She shrugged, laughing.
Ben laughed too. ‘Well, this one is on me anyway.’
Ben even took her shopping bags for her, like the perfect gentleman.
‘Hop in.’ He said as he walked over to his car.
‘I don’t mind walking.’
‘Ah come on. I insist. Besides, there’s a lot of bags here. And it would be silly since we’re both going to yours.’ He said as he put all the bags into the boot and then opened the passenger door for her.
‘True.’ She agreed and got in with Bear on her lap.
-
‘Hmm, I think we could likely help him out. We are due another shipment of girls in soon.’ Loki said as he and David were in his office, discussing business.
‘He is willing to pay big for good quality. And I mean big. We’re talking well into the thousands, just for one girl. Seems rather desperate, actually. He seems to have a thing for having twenty-four-hour slave girls, apparently the current one has grown too old at twenty-two.’ David said, cringing.
‘So, he might become a regular then.’ Loki chuckled.
‘Possibly.’ David nodded.
‘Alright, let’s see if he’s interested in going into business with us.’ Loki agreed, then turned to his laptop to type out an email to the man in question.
The two men went through to the kitchen and grabbed a drink. Loki checked his watch. ‘Hmm. Chloe should’ve been back by now, she was biting at the bit to get cooking.’ He frowned, it was after five.
‘I’m surprised Ben isn’t here yet either, you know what like. Never late that guy. What time did you tell him?’ David asked, sitting down on the stool at the island in the kitchen.
‘I said five.’ Loki hummed.
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Reporting for Romance ~ EXO’s Lay x Reader
{{Since it’s our sweet healing unicorn’s birthday today, I wanted to write a short fic centered around him. Being a very stylish ambassador-around-the-world, Lay shows up at a variety of fashion-related events, so this setting is where the reader (Y/N and Y/F/LN) is a fashion journalist who catches his eye at a show.}}
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It was still surreal to be covering the Valentino show for S/S this year, but when you queued up with your press pass, it became a more concrete happenstance. Your editor in chief would be sitting toward the front row, of course, while you were deposited elsewhere. Your phone was fully charged and at the ready for any recording purposes, and your notebook and pen were stashed in the purse precariously dangling off your shoulder. You nervously presented the badge and allowed security to rifle through your bag before crossing into the hallway.
It was a beautiful, sunny day and you could see the bright, verdant hedges wrapping around outside the glass walls of the atrium that was playing runway for the day. Seats were set out around the room on the hardwood floors. The walls were in elegant white French style, and complementary to the mirrors and chandeliers that dotted the décor. Despite how uncomplicated and traditional everything looked, you felt overwhelmed. You’d attended fashion shows before, but you’d bought your ticket with your own money so you could write up a piece to try to make a name for yourself and score a job.
Now that you had, you were choking on imposter syndrome. You stood for a moment in the hallway, tugging at the hem of your dress, which suddenly felt too short despite getting the seal of approval from your boss. You crossed the floor to a mirror to check that you were just having a minor identity crisis and not that you were styled incorrectly. You brushed over your clothes with your fingers to smooth anything that felt out of place and did the same to your hair. You pouted as you looked at yourself, still unconvinced at your reflection. Another face blurred in the corner of your periphery as you were tapping at your lipstick.
“You’re putting the mirror to good use, but you already looked nice when you came over.” Your face flushed a shade that matched the tube perched between your fingers. You turned to identify the man speaking to you and felt your heart do a somersault in your chest. He was strikingly handsome, to say the least, draped in a long, graphic coat punctuated by crisp white sneakers. His golden skin was smooth, and he didn’t have a hair out of place. But the thing that wrung your heart was his warm, dimpled smile. You sucked in your lip as you tried to remember how to breathe. Finally, you managed a chuckle that was at a higher pitch than normal.
“You can never be too careful at these types of events. One shoe unbuckled and the internet will crucify you,” you tucked your hair shyly behind your ear and let a smile pull up your lips, “thank you though. That makes me feel a little better. I just don’t want to embarrass my boss and have her banish me to the fashion closet again.” The young man laughed, and you felt some of the tension drop off your shoulders.
“Are you a magazine reporter then?”
“I am! This is my first time covering a show for my publication. I think that’s why I’m on-edge. I want to work hard and prove my worth so I can come back again, you know?” His eyes widened at this, but he nodded as the dimpled resurfaced.
“Wow, first time! So exciting! I hope you will really enjoy it. I love to see all the beautiful clothes, so it is nice to get an invitation. I’m Lay Zhang, by the way. It’s nice to meet you.”
Your companion held out his hand for you to shake, and you took it gently with a sheepish grin.
“I, uh… I know, actually. I’ve heard your music. You’re very talented!” his whole face brightened at your admission, but there was an expectancy lingering before you remembered yourself, “oh right! I’m Y/F/LN. It’s lovely to meet you too. That coat looks so sharp on you!”
“Thank you so much. I liked the tiger because it reminds me of China, and I like animals,” he hadn’t dropped your hand but continued talking, although he seemed to be a little restrained with his speech, perhaps because English wasn’t his first language, “I’m surprised you’ve heard my work, but I’m happy to hear that you like it! I always want to work very hard and do my best, so I understand how you feel. I’m sure your writing will be great. You speak nicely.”
You had to turn your face away a little to hide the blush creeping back across it. Reluctantly, you let your hand slide out of Lay’s as you fiddled with the zipper of your bag.
“I listen to a fair amount of KPop actually, so I found you through that. I can tell you really pour your effort into everything you do, and I hope that more people can see its beauty like I do,” you flashed your teeth at him, happy to direct the conversation onto him for the moment, “I’m sure the show will be amazing, but we shall see if I can do it justice. If you see it, you can tell me what you think. Criticism is encouraged.” You laughed softly.
Lay’s perfect mouth shaped into an O and he took a minute to process everything you said.
“Ah, do you like EXO? I miss my members… it’s nice to get to make music in my home country, though, so I can represent it well. It would be really nice to share my music with the world. Your wish is very kind; I wish for it, too,” there was a wistfulness in his tone, but he also seemed very heartfelt, which only made you like him more, “when I read it, I will think of you and send you a message of praise, Y/N! You should believe in yourself more.”
“Yes, I love you guys! Awww that’s hard. There are pros and cons to everything I suppose. I think you’re doing a really great job balancing everything. And now you’re here as a brand ambassador too, right? I’m sure China and your members are really proud of you. You should be proud of everything you’re doing and have done… and will do! If I have to be confident, then you do, too,” you leaned forward and bumped his shoulder with your own, giggling, “I would love to hear from you no matter what you think. You can message me whenever.”
Before Lay could answer, a few people swept by and noticed him, calling out greetings. He frowned to you for a moment before turning and waving congenially. It seemed like everyone was migrating into the main hall. When the passersby had dissipated, he looked back at you.
“I would like to talk to you more, but I don’t think we’re sitting so close to each other and my English takes a little longer to express what I really want to say. Will you go to the party afterwards? I don’t know if you’re busy and will continue working…” It was your turn to gape at him, but you quickly schooled it into a neutral expression.
“Ummm I think I am? I have to double-check with my boss, actually. Can I tell you my answer after the show or are they going to rush you off to start mingling?” You dragged your foot in front of you on the floor, feeling a little bit like a silly schoolgirl.
“I will come find you, but let’s exchange contacts now just in case it’s difficult to coordinate.” He slid his mobile smoothly out of his pocket and went to pull up a VCard, but he paused as he looked at the screen for a second. He shut off the screen and held his hand out to you, which had you puzzled until you realized he was asking for your phone. You dipped into your purse and mimicked the steps he’d just taken before placing it in his palm, fingers brushing. He tapped away in concentration before handing it gently back to you and smiling.
“I thought this would be easier because I don’t know if you read Chinese. Please send me a message and tell me it’s you so I can save your information to my phone! We can talk about things… and maybe you can help me practice my English?” It was quite a sight to see Lay beginning to blush, and you wished you could replicate that expression many times over.
“You’re so thoughtful. Xièxiè. I’ll send it before I sit down, okay,” you reached out and squeezed his shoulder affectionately, positively beaming, “your English is great, but I’d definitely be happy to help with whatever you need, so no worries! Tell me whatever you can think of and then I won’t focus on feeling so awkward being here where I don’t belong.” You snorted, shaking your head. The glow returned to his face when you thanked him in Mandarin and made your promises, but he looked a little concerned at the end. It was his turn to reach out, placing a hand on your arm to command your attention. Your eyes glazed a little bit.
“Don’t say that, Y/N. You are a fashion reporter! Your company wanted you to be here. You are meant to be here. Don’t doubt yourself. Do your best and don’t forget to enjoy yourself. I will be cheering for you in my heart. Keep smiling and everything will be okay… okay?” Lay spoke without any frills, so sincere that it made you want to believe him. You had to bite back the urge to cry because he was so sweet and encouraging. Your heart was melting.
“Okay. I’m just going to trust that you’re right and that I can do this. I’m really happy you came over and talked to me, Lay. It’s made me feel so much better. I’m really grateful.” Lay let his hand trail down your arm before returning to his side. You felt the warmth radiating off of him, and he seemed very pleased at your turnaround. He pouted his lips for a moment.
“I’m happy too. I think we should go in now, though. Can I walk you to your seat?”
“Oh! You don’t have to do that, you’re like, an actual important person! It seems like a lot of people wanted to chat with you. I feel bad that I stole you away from them for so long.”
“I’m sure I will get to talk to them at some point, maybe during the show or the party. I just want to make sure you find your way and don’t feel so nervous. Come on, let’s go.”
Lay turned and placed his hand on your lower back, guiding you forward at his side. You matched his pace as you crossed under an archway and headed past the scattering of other attendees. You peeked sideways to get a glimpse of Lay in profile, not quite believing your luck. Once you neared the seats, he helped you locate your company tag. It took a few minutes.
“You’re some kind of special, Lay Zhang. I’m gonna text you right now, and then we’ll see each other after, okay? You just go and look pretty! I have to turn on my ace reporter mode now!” You brandished your fists, psyching yourself up. Lay laughed, bumping a fist against yours in agreement.
“I look nice because of my team, Y/N, it’s nothing,” his other hand finally slipped away from your back, a little to your chagrin, “I will look forward to it. Work hard, Miss Reporter! Then we can have fun together at the party… I hope your boss will let you come!” You covered your cheeks with your hands and grinned at him, shaking your head in amusement.
“You’re too modest. Enjoy the show and we’ll catch up in a little while!” You clasped your hands together and bowed your head to him. He returned it and then walked off with a bright smile. You dropped down into your seat after you watched his retreating back, grabbing your phone. You sent off two messages—one informing your editor that you’d arrived, and the second to Lay, for him to save your contact.
[[From: Y/F/LN To: Zhang “Lay” Yixing
Ni-hao, Lay! It’s Y/F/LN, the ace reporter.
Tell me afterwards which outfit you like the most,
and I’ll finagle a party invitation from Kristen. ;)
Sent 2:00PM]]
You tucked your phone into your purse after silencing it and turned to face the center. Your eyes scanned the room, taking in the scenery and all the beautiful people and beautiful clothes. You were about to write a note in your notebook until you caught sight of a very handsome young Chinese man looking at you and waving. Lay smiled and gave you a thumbs up. All you could do was grin stupidly and wave back. You were somewhat glad he wasn’t sitting anywhere near you because you wouldn’t have been able to concentrate if he had been. Another beautiful person came over to him and struck up a conversation, so you turned back to your paper and began writing what you saw.
The show was a confectionary of dreamy designs in vibrant colors and sumptuous materials. You noted some people were near tears. It was probably the highlight of your life thus far, besides your earlier meeting with Lay, of course. As people began to disperse, you slipped out your phone. Your editor, Kristen, had responded to your message and had you nearly hopping in glee. You looked across the panorama of the room but didn’t spot your prince of China. Collecting your things, you slowly made your way toward the entrance, although you got caught up quite a few times by writers and photographers from other publications. Kristen told you to meet her outside so you could take a car over together, but your first priority was to find Lay.
By the time you’d made it into the exiting crowd, you felt like you’d never find anyone. Just then, you felt a hand hook in the crook of your elbow. You turned and faced the stranger.
“You were difficult to locate in all the people, Miss Reporter! You’re tinier than all the tall guys, you know? But here you are, I’m glad.” Lay was smiling again, and you joined him easily.
“I couldn’t find you either and you’re not short! Hey, guess what,” you paused as the two of you wriggled past the other people, Lay’s hand still on your arm so you wouldn’t get separated, “Kristen said we’re going to the after party, so we get to hang out more!! Yay!!” You bobbed your head with excitement. Lay looked like a fish as he exclaimed his satisfaction.
“That’s great, Y/N! I will meet you there then. Go safely and I’ll see you soon.”
When you spotted Kristen, you took Lay’s hands and squeezed them between yours, the joy written all over your face. You didn’t think today could be topped; you felt really lucky.
“You too, Lay. Text me and I’ll come find you this time!” He nodded and you parted with full hearts, vibrating with anticipation for your reunion. You ambled over to Kristen, who raised an eyebrow when you appeared at her side.
“Who was that good-looking man you were talking to, Y/N? He seemed very fond of you.”
“Ah! He’s a Chinese musician who’s in a Kpop group. He’s a Valentino brand ambassador, too, actually! He’s really sweet. He asked me to practice English with him since he’s going to be at the party as well.” You covered your mouth to downplay your smile, but Kristen saw everything. She chuckled softly, patting you on the shoulder.
“Well, regardless of all of that he is, he was clearly taken with you. Behave yourself… but don’t forget to take advantage of the moment. Who knows… you might be able to continue helping with his English after today.” Kristen winked at you and your face bloomed red as a nervous chuckle escaped. Shaking your head, you nodded to her to lead the way to the car. Your brain was struggling to absorb what she’d just said, so you’d have to take the car ride over to cool down before you got to see your new companion again. And so the magic continued…
———————————————————————————————————
{{I hope you liked this scenario; please leave a comment or reblog if you did! Watching interviews with Lay for research and he is just so humble and precious; it made me so happy to do a fic with him. Don’t forget to support his solo stuff as well as his work with EXO because he’s doubly-amazing and so hardworking! Happy 29th birthday you beautiful soul—I’m wishing that your dream to be on stage at the Grammy’s for your music comes true! Saranghae <3 <3 EXOXO}}
#lay x reader#exo lay#zhang yixing#happy lay day#exo fanfic#exo imagines#I was imagining Valentino SS19#but honestly you can sub in whatever you want lol paint your fantasy!#lay zhang#my writing#user: cultureaddictconfessions#reporting for romance#yixing x reader
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Caught in his web, Chapter 46
TITLE: Caught in his web
CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter 46
AUTHOR: fanficshiddles
ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki is a crime lord, a very dangerous man in the city. He is owed money, but the man is unable to pay Loki back, so Loki takes his daughter as payment instead.
RATING: M
Chloe was curled up on Loki’s lap while they watched TV. It was mid-afternoon, but Loki was working from home that day and decided to finish early. Cause he could.
They’d tired Bear out previously, so he was sound asleep in his bed next to the sofa. Giving them some peace and quiet for an hour or two, if they were lucky. He was going through his mad phase.
Loki was absentmindedly stroking Chloe’s hair, she was revelling in the affection. While she enjoyed the sex and orgasms that Loki could give her, she really enjoyed moments like this. Where he was just cuddling her and being affectionate. It made her heart happy.
‘Are you meeting Georgie and Amanda this weekend?’ Loki asked quietly during the adverts.
Chloe shook her head. ‘Nah, no plans to. I think Georgie has family from Australia coming over for a few weeks so I might not see much of her out-with college… Why? Are you wanting rid of me?’ Chloe tilted her head right back to look at him.
Loki chuckled and gave her knee a squeeze. ‘Of course not, doll. Ben and David are coming over tomorrow, they’re staying for dinner and I wanted to make sure you were going to be around to join us.’ He smiled.
‘You’re not gonna be talking business all night though, are you?’ She grumbled.
‘No business talk.’ He grinned, rubbing her back.
‘Sounds good then.’ She snuggled back in against him.
‘I’m glad you think so.’ He purred, the hand on her knee slid upwards, underneath her skirt. She squirmed on his lap as he tickled up her inner thigh. ‘Spread your legs for me, doll.’
Chloe trembled at his tone and did as he asked. She almost melted into a puddle as his hand dove down into her knickers and he started playing with her softly. Relaxing into him, she closed her eyes and sighed in pleasure.
‘I could do this all night.’ Loki purred, nuzzling her cheek. He grinned when she whimpered and blushed. ‘Does that sound appealing to you, doll?’
She clutched at his shirt tightly and bit her lip. ‘Pleaseeee don’t torture me tonight.’ She whined.
Loki chuckled. ‘Aww, why not? That is my most favourite thing to do.’ He hummed, slowing his circling of her clit down with his thumb as two fingers slowly slid into her, rubbing against her g spot in a torturous manner.
‘Lokiiiii!’ She tried pushing down more on his fingers, but he didn’t go any faster. It was a delicious kind of torture that was slowly building. He knew how to do her so well, hitting all the right places. And he knew when she was close to cumming, so he slowed down even more and dragged it out further.
‘Please, Loki. Please.’ She begged.
‘Hmmm. I suppose since you do beg so prettily you should be rewarded.’ He squeezed her side as he picked up the pace with his fingers, going to town on her g spot and clit.
Chloe cried out as Loki made her cum. Her toes curled as she clenched her thighs together, trapping his hand, but it didn’t stop him from continuing to stimulate her through her orgasm. He slowed his movements down as her entire body shook in pleasure.
Pressing a kiss to her forehead, he kept stroking her softly. She whimpered and buried her face into his chest.
‘Do you want me to stop?’
‘No!’ She gasped, it felt far too good. It wasn’t too rough or fast, he was stroking her nicely. It felt so good.
Loki grinned and granted her wish. He kept it up for a while, slowly working up to another orgasm. And again, and again. But he never pushed her too hard by making her orgasm straight after another, he gave her time to come down from the high. He kept the stimulation at just the right tempo, nice and gentle.
Chloe felt like she was flying high, like the pleasure was deep down inside her, even in her bones. Part of her never wanted it to end.
Loki was quite enjoying himself. He enjoyed the way she was squirming in his lap, softly moaning and whimpering, it ramped up whenever he made her cum. The way her face was flushed red, forehead sweaty. But what he also loved, was how wet she was. And more was still flowing out of her, the longer her toyed with her.
When he slowed down and eventually stopped, she was so sensitive and still feeling extremely horny. He removed his hand from down her knickers and sucked his fingers clean, grinning wickedly at her as she blushed.
‘You taste delicious.’ He purred.
-
The following day, Chloe offered to make her carbonara for dinner. Loki jumped at the offer and sent Tania home early.
Loki circled his arms around Chloe and kissed the tip of her nose. ‘As a thank you for cooking dinner, I will personally see to it that you get plenty of orgasms at bed time tonight.’ He grinned.
‘Oh, you’ll personally see to it, will you? Who else would do it anyway?’ She grinned back up at him.
Loki opened his mouth, but then realised he hadn’t expected a back chat like that so for once didn’t know what to say. Chloe laughed and pulled away from his hold, checking they had everything in the cupboards for making the carbonara.
But Loki followed and kept trying to hold her, she managed to get her way round the kitchen and mentally took note of everything she needed. Even with Loki kissing her neck, she managed to stay focused.
‘Well, if you’re wanting carbonara you’re going to need to let me go to the shop. We don’t have the main ingredient, chicken!’ She giggled and tried escaping him again as his kissing became sloppy on her neck. But he grabbed her wrist and hauled her back into him.
‘There’s plenty of time. I’m sure we could get a quick one in first.’ He suggested, but then his mobile rang. He growled in annoyance, but had to take it.
Chloe patted his chest. ‘I won’t be long.’
‘Take Nelson if you want.’ Loki said quickly before answering.
‘It’s a nice day, I’ll walk and take Bear.’ Chloe called to him over her shoulder as she headed out.
Luckily their local shop was just a fifteen-minute walk away and it allowed well behaved dogs in. So Chloe called on Bear, clipped on his lead and headed out.
She was just at the end of the path when a car pulled up and David got out.
‘Hello, darling.’ He greeted and made his way over to her.
‘Hey, you’re nice and early.’ She said as David crouched down to pet an excitable Bear first.
‘Loki wanted to discuss a few things, told me that you said business is strictly off during dinner.’ David chuckled and stood up, giving Chloe a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
‘Nice that you greet the dog first.’ She teased.
‘Of course. Bear is too cute to resist.’ He winked at her and gave her shoulder a squeeze. ‘Where you off to?’
‘Nipping to the shop for a few things for dinner tonight. I won’t be too long, so you best get the business chat over with!’ Chloe said as she continued on.
‘I’ll make sure we’re all finished for your return.’ David laughed.
Chloe enjoyed her walk to the shop, it was a nice day and she just felt so at peace and happy with everything right now. She hadn’t been bothered by her father in a while, Stones was not a bother anymore. College was going well. Yep, she was in a pretty good place.
Even though she didn’t need much, she took a trolley anyway so Bear could lie in it while she did her shop. It wasn’t really allowed, but the shop owner adored Bear so made the exception for her. It was good socialisation for him too, as many people wanted to stop and speak to him.
She was queuing at the till when someone tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around to find Ben smiling down at her. ‘I thought that was you! The puppy in the trolley kind of gave it away, too.’ Ben chuckled.
‘Hi, Ben. Yeah, is a bit of a giveaway.’ She laughed.
‘How are you, love?’ Ben put his arm around her and kissed her cheek.
‘Good thanks, you?’
‘I’m very well. Excited to finally get to taste this chicken carbonara of yours.’ He grinned.
‘That’s exactly why I’m here. Needed ingredients.’
It was Chloe’s turn at the till, but Ben took the divider from her things and his away. ‘Allow me to get this for you.’
‘There’s no need.’
‘It would be my pleasure.’ He insisted.
‘Thank you… Loki pays for it anyway.’ She shrugged, laughing.
Ben laughed too. ‘Well, this one is on me anyway.’
Ben even took her shopping bags for her, like the perfect gentleman.
‘Hop in.’ He said as he walked over to his car.
‘I don’t mind walking.’
‘Ah come on. I insist. Besides, there’s a lot of bags here. And it would be silly since we’re both going to yours.’ He said as he put all the bags into the boot and then opened the passenger door for her.
‘True.’ She agreed and got in with Bear on her lap.
-
‘Hmm, I think we could likely help him out. We are due another shipment of girls in soon.’ Loki said as he and David were in his office, discussing business.
‘He is willing to pay big for good quality. And I mean big. We’re talking well into the thousands, just for one girl. Seems rather desperate, actually. He seems to have a thing for having twenty-four-hour slave girls, apparently the current one has grown too old at twenty-two.’ David said, cringing.
‘So, he might become a regular then.’ Loki chuckled.
‘Possibly.’ David nodded.
‘Alright, let’s see if he’s interested in going into business with us.’ Loki agreed, then turned to his laptop to type out an email to the man in question.
The two men went through to the kitchen and grabbed a drink. Loki checked his watch. ‘Hmm. Chloe should’ve been back by now, she was biting at the bit to get cooking.’ He frowned, it was after five.
‘I’m surprised Ben isn’t here yet either, you know what like. Never late that guy. What time did you tell him?’ David asked, sitting down on the stool at the island in the kitchen.
‘I said five.’ Loki hummed.
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I’m trying to make a dent in my drafts and oh my god there are so many atla posts
Like I try to space things out so if you’re scrolling through my blog you’re getting a mix instead of ten posts of the same thing in a row — I figure if I’m going to be wildly multifandom I might as well do my best to have broad appeal, plus if *I’m* ever scrolling back through my own blog it’s more enjoyable that way — but oh my god there’s just. So many atla posts that I’ve thrown in there to reblog.
It doesn’t help that tumblr’s update has given everything mobile loading speeds which SUCKS for trying to scroll back in drafts
(I have a truly scary number of drafts, ftr, when I went on my unintended hiatus there was a period there where I was silently saving up posts but not up to doing tagging & queuing and I have continued to not be ideal about that so now there are just waaaaaaay too many drafts for me to get through)
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UPDATED: 02/07/2020
This is an independent roleplay blog for Loki Laufeyson based primarily off of a mixture of Norse Mythology, Marvel, and God of War 2018. I am not in association with Marvel or Sony and claim no profits from this blog.
This is also not a fandom blog, meaning most of the posts will be in-character responses to threads and asks. All reblogs will be in relation to Loki or any of the characters or ideas that make up their world.
IMPORTANT INFO ON LOKI: It's extremely important to keep in mind that Loki is a gender fluid shape-shifter and may appear in any number of forms and genders at any given time. Loki has very few limits on what they can do with their body and they will not always appear to other muses as MCU's Tom Hiddleston version of Loki. This can and will include variations to Tom Hiddleston's Loki, Lady Loki, Jotun Loki, and many other forms. Loki may be male, female, both, or neither at any given point in time. It is up to me and my discretion of when to implement Loki's shape-shifting abilities. Bottom line, don't expect Loki to be a cis-male who is always in a completely male form. It's out of character and simply won't happen and even if Loki presents male or female, that does not mean that Loki's body beneath the clothing matches that presentation. Assume nothing.
ACTIVITY
This blog is selective and private, meaning I will be selective with who I interact with and/or follow and I will only roleplay with mutuals.
My ask box and my IMs are open to non-mutuals, however. If I’m not following you, but you’d like to interact, don’t be afraid to shoot me a message. If we talk and I like you, chances are, I’ll follow you back. If you want to send a random ask, feel free. You don’t have to my mutual to use my ask box.
I can be an extremely slow roleplayer at times. Please understand that this is a hobby and while I love what I do, I cannot be here all the time. Sometimes IC replies and OOC replies will come slowly. I am also a writer outside of Tumblr, so sometimes my personal and professional projects have to come first and often suck up a lot of my creative energy.
That said, I am not on Tumblr at all during the weekends. Starting Friday night and usually extending to Sunday night/Monday morning, I log out of Tumblr completely. This is because I am typically very busy on the weekends, but also because I need to take a step back from Tumblr once in a while just to keep my sanity. I'm more motivated to write on the days I promise to be here if I can look forward to a few days off at the end of the week. It's just to give me some peace of mind and a bit of breathing room.
On days I am not on Tumblr, I am likely still on discord--which is available for mutuals upon request!
Sometimes my blog will update through a queue so it is still active even when I am not physically on. I do this regularly but not consistently. If you're curious as to whether or not something is a queued post, you can check my tags. All queued posts have a queue tag on them!
SIDE MUSES
I actually roleplay as more than just Loki on this blog.
It also includes four of Loki’s children ( the children I have chosen to incorporate from mythology ); Hel, Fenrir, Jörmungandr, and Sleipnir. There are also a mixture of secondary muses that help make up Loki’s world. Most of these characters are the mun’s original characters, but canon characters like Fandral ( I loooooove writing Fandral! ) may show up on occasion.
It’s important to remember that this blog is a Loki-oriented blog, though. While I do roleplay as numerous secondary characters, this is not meant to be interpreted as a multi-muse blog. If you would like to interact with any of my secondary characters, chances are, you’ll need to interact with Loki first.
I do, however, love getting to use my secondary characters, so if you're interested in them, please let me know!
It's also important to remember that while some of these characters are canon to either mythology or Marvel, they are my own interpretation of them and may not 100% be accurate to canon. While canon characters do exist in the side muses, most of them are original characters and are not available for public use. These are my characters, my ideas, and my world-building. Please do not use them without permission or claim any information as yours.
PREFERENCES & HATE
I do not roleplay with anyone under the age of 18. It's nothing personal to the younglings of Tumblr, but for my own personal comfort, I'd rather keep my interactions to 18+ only.
I prefer plotting over jumping into an interaction that has no basis. Memes are great and I love them, but I have very little interest in maintaining threads that have no substance.
I prefer novella threads, but I am willing to do shorter para threads as well. i am not willing to do one-liners. A thread has to have some meat to it in order to hold my interest.
I do not tolerate hate at all. Anonymous or not, I will not deal with hate directed at me or any other person.
NSFW (meaning sex, violence, torture, gore, and other adult themes) will be present. I roleplay a large range of topics, including very dark and sensitive subjects.
I do not personally have many triggers when it comes to what I am willing to explore on this blog. Dark themes will be very present. I will not censor my muse but I will tag triggering content accordingly. I tag by a 'tw; triggering content title' system. Self harm, for example, would look like this: tw; self harm
SHIPPING
Simply put, I love shipping, but it's not the sole reason I'm here. If I ship, I prefer to ship in a setting that's well thought out and plot-driven. The ship is great, but there needs to be more than just the ship. I don't ship for the sake of shipping and I only ship based on chemistry. If you want to ship with me but don't know how to approach the subject, just send me a message and we can discuss it!
WHAT KEEPS ME FROM FOLLOWING?
Blogs who have no about page. This is the essence of a character. Without it, I have no idea if I would be interested in your muse or not. This is staple for canons and OCs.
Anyone who makes me feel like a number. I do not expect anyone to make me an exclusive partner. You are more than welcome to roleplay with dupes, but I do not want to be added to a collection. I am an individual, not a collector’s item. Valuing unique portrayals is so important
Non-roleplay-blogs/self inserts.
People who I have witnessed abusing or attacking other role-players. If you have an issue with another role-player, handle it in private. Do not attack them publicly. I have been a victim of “call-out culture” and I will not deal with it. I understand that some call-out posts are necessary to warn people of harmful people and toxic environments, however, more often than not, I see call-out posts that throw around false accusations and complain about personal problems rather than actual, problematic behavior. Unless undeniable proof is provided, I will never be part of the culture of publicly slandering someone.
To follow up on that last point, if I see a lot of ooc drama and constant negativity on a blog, I won't follow.
People who godmod. If you do godmod me, I will message you about it. If you are unwilling to discuss the issue, the thread will be dropped.
Anyone who thinks they have the right to tell me or anyone else what they can and cannot do with their blogs. Roleplaying is about writing and exploring a wide variety of topics. Fiction is not reality. A muse’s actions are not the mun condoning said actions. If you cannot understand that fiction is a way for writers to explore things outside of everyday life, dark or otherwise, this is not the blog for you.
EXCLUSIVES
Being exclusive is something that I am willing to do, but on very rare occasion. It takes a lot of personal love and interaction with a mun to be willing to make them exclusive with my muse. This isn't just about IC interactions being amazing, but also an OOC connection with the other mun as well. An exclusive status will only be offered if it is returned. If you are my exclusive, I am yours.
EXCLUSIVES LIST:
THISFORGOTTENLORE - Bigby Wolf, Brienne of Tarth, Bruce Banner & Hulk, Geralt, Heimdall, Illya Kuryakin, Jaskier, Khal Drogo, Kratos, Robert Jekyll & Hyde, The Iron Bull, Yennefer
OFCHARREDBONES - Johnny Blaze
FANDRALXTHEXSTABULOUS - Fandral
If you would like to talk about being an exclusive and we already interact, please feel free to shoot me a message!
ABOUT THE MUN
Hi there! My name is Amber and I'm in my mid-twenties. I've just finished up a master's degree in creative writing for entertainment, meaning I take great pride and joy in writing stories in just about any sort of medium. I primarily focus on prose (as demonstrated by this blog) and film/television scripts, but I also dive into comics and other mediums from time to time.
I've been roleplaying Loki for over six years now. They have truly become my life-long muse and they even inspires my off-Tumblr projects quite a lot. Aside from Loki, I do have a long history of both writing and roleplaying including a number of canon characters and original characters.
I'm not going to go on and on about myself because I don't want to bore you! Just know that I'm very friendly, kind of shy, and if you want to write with me and you come at me wanting to plot, I will probably be over the moon about it. I thrive on plotting and world-building and if you have an interest in doing those things with me, we'll get along great.
If you would, by chance, like to know more about me and why I roleplay as Loki, you can click HERE and HERE.
I do run a couple of blogs ( though Loki is my main! ). You can find all of them here:
LOKI LAUFEYSON ( and supplement characters ) - STORIESOFWILDFIRE.
MULTI-MUSE - GRIMOIREWEAVERS
CREDITS
Background, popup background, and mobile header graphics made by the incredible and lovely Smudge ( aka thisforgottenlore ), tweaked by myself.
Background art by the extremely talented SCEITH-A. Popup background and mobile header art by the equally as talented ROSSDRAWS.
Personal graphics, unless stated otherwise, were made by myself.
Icons are a mixture of free-to-use icons (and gifcons) found and reblogged on Tumblr and my own personal icons which were editted from raw screen caps and created by me.
#outofmagic#rules#rules text post#index; blog#filed under; about the blog#filed under; blog updates#index; mun#filed under; about the blogger#filed under; mun things#{ was updating my rules on my multi and decided... I probably needed to update them here too#and I did#because my old ones were way too long and some stuff just wasn't too concise#basically#don't be a dick#don't tell people what they can and cannot do as long as they aren't hurting anyone#miss me with drama#and don't force loki into a cishet box cause that ain't gonna fly#otherwise let's just have fun! }
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Happy Birthday Miyu Sugisaki (for tommorow) might do some art for her idk
———
Edit: ah heck! Ive had this queued for months, but i forgot to actually do the art haha, i’ll get something done overnight so it might be rushed and look like trash, it might look reasonably ok. Who knows at this point. I dont trust the sleepy version of myself to create anything good but hey, theyv created some stuff that wasn’t horrifying before :/
Ok, starting here i legit just start live-blogging myself staying up alnight drawing. Ignore me. I didnt know where else to say it. I’ll delete it later.
Edit 2: this isnt gonna be done. Like frick, i just spent 6 hours on miyu’s fricking hairstyle, thats all done and even shaded and looking fabulous but ive only got a rough lineart for litterally everything else. This might not be done, but if it is then her hair is gonna be a fuckign masterpiece (i hope). Im writing this edit at 1:42am, and im gonna go to bed somewhere between 4 and 5, lets go! Hell yeah! I might do this! Perhaps! Im gonna try! 3-4 sprint time! Yeah!
Edit 3: frick, im failing to do this, miserably. Its 3:03am and i got distracted playing mobile games and didn’t get anything done. My existence is futile, existentially im a waste and I should not exist. The atoms within me deserve to be part of something better. Sorry. I’m a f*ck up and unless I get my sh*t together in the next like 5 mins (unlikely) then this aint gonna be finished.
Edit 4: ok, meltdown like 20% over. Its 3:52am, I think the issue then was the face. Faces r hard bruh, they suck do draw. They a festive lil ho ho ho. I was drawing everything too high up on the face cuz my dumb *ss forgot to draw the line thingys on the face or even look at a reference image for proportions. Ive done it now amd life is now a bit more on track. Might get this done if I continue work in the morning.
Edit 4.5: nothin much (hence the .5), its 4:14am, just downed 4 cups o tea for caffeine and sugar (all the coffee we got is decaf lol). I’m gonna get this sh*t done! Ive litterally only coloured down to the face, neck and the hair but still.... I’m gonna get it done anyway! I dont care about going to bed between 4-5 anymore! I’m getting this done!
Edit 5: its less than ten mins later (4:22am) and im taking a quick 20m break to watch youtube while I wait for the caffeine to kick in because im too braindead to continue right now. Like what art style am i even trying? Idk... its really fricking complex tho. Lowkey pretty tho, like if i finish this im gonna be so proud of it like it looks great. But its taking forever and im need break.
Edit 6: ok we back. Its 4:41am, caffeine has not really kicked in but i cant permit myself any more time anyway. Back to drawning.
Edit 7: holy frick, new episode of the vrains dub came out. Man... im leaving vrains fanart to watch the vrains dub. Am I obsessed? Is this hyperfixation? Probably? Either way, its 4:50am and im going to go watch the new episode. I’ll come back to this when im done.
Edit 8: HOLY FRICK GUYS! THE DRAWING APP IM USING KEEPS CRASHING AND SAYS ITS STILL THERE BUT WONT LET ME CONTINUE AND KICKING ME OFF THE APP?!?! ITS 5:06AM AND THE PANIC ATTAC IS BACC! The new episode of the dub isnt completely out yet, im watching that version on yt where its just smol clips of it. Not all the clips r up yet. I was just going on it while waiting for the next clips to go up and thats when the app did the thing and life got 280% sucky-er.
Edit: 8.5 wahoot it stopped kicking me off the app and it let me continue. Its 5:12am and we are FINALLY continuing.
Edit 9: its 5:36 Im tired sleep time I’ll finis thos in the morning goodbye yall have a greatt day
Edit 10: ok, so im a failure. We live in the timeline that god abandoned. I cannot sleep. I shall get more cups of tea, watch yt until the caffeine actually kicks in, and then continue. Its 6:03 right now, I shall be back. Perhaps half an hour?
Edit 10.5: its 6:11am. Not much has happened, just a slight change of plans. Ik its irrelevant but im liveblogging so i gotta say, my eye hurts so im gonna stop looking at screens. Perhaps gonna try to sleep again, if not then i’ll put read a book, redo my makeup (it smudgey) or straight up just listen to music and stare into the void. Litterally anything other than look at my laptop/phone. Peace out homies, i’ll be back at some point before 7 probably (unless i do go to sleep).
Edit 11: Its 6:41am, my eye hurts. Ive been staring into the darkness and listening to various fallout boy songs. Now i feel edgy. Its been half an hour, so im gonna continue drawing. Caffeine and sugar has worn off again so im tired and unmotivated but yno what, it is what it is. Aint life nifty, i gotta get this done.
Edit 12: 6:52 everything burns im in pain my eye is on frickign fire and it looks bloodshot but now also weird azz headache that i never got one like this before so im gonna turn off all lights cuz that seems to make it marginally better am i dying probably idk either way im not gonna continue for multiple hours it is stare into the void time and stare into the void time alone ok this should be the last update
Edit 13: It is 3:16pm, didn’t continue liveblogging cuz i got one heck of a migrane. Im back and well... Happy birthday Miyu for today! I’m still gonna try to get this god forsaken art done, but holy shit what is that art style i did. Its genuinely nothing like anything ive done before, I don’t remember doing any of the colouring but apparently I did and it looks better than anything ive done before and idk if non-fricked up me can replicate it. I’m starting to wonder if i got bored and just copied it or something, like idk how i did it. Look at it
The grey is the lineart I remember doing but man tHE FRICKIGN HAIR like i couldnt have created that, could I? I can see why it was taking so long yesterday like holy shit man that stuff takes time yno
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How would the the chocobros react to an s/o who is suddenly growing busy and distant? How would they try to work through it together?
o: Something that’s not KH! (I love KH but, y’know, variety is nice ♥). Part is under a cut because of length ^^ If I manage to do that on mobile bc I forgot to when I queued this
Noctis
Noct is kinda new at relationships in general, so it’d take a while for him to really notice
(He may have gone to a normal school, but with most people there treating him as a celebrity plus his duties as prince keeping him busy, well…)
Of course he’d notice you have less time, but for a while, he’d think nothing of it
If it’s really just having less time because of work or something, he might swing by your job a few times (unless you tell him not to); not like anyone would stop the prince from seeing you
He may not like his title all that much but it can be practical
But after a while, he would notice that it sometimes seems like you’re avoiding him - You don’t know when you’ll be free, you can’t go fishing with him because you suddenly don’t have time after all, etc
He’ll try to catch a moment you have enough time to talk, and pretty much just ask “So, what’s wrong?”
Pretty likely to listen to you until you’re done explaining everything, but there are some things when he’d interject - It’d depend on what exactly is going on
Some things may genuinely have been things Noct just wasn’t aware of; as mentioned, he doesn’t have much relationship experience
(He’d tell you as much - “Damn, sorry, I didn’t know!”)
And those things he’ll 100% try and change
Other things it’s more likely to find a compromise instead, depending on what the problem it
For example, if you don’t really enjoy accompanying him when he goes fishing, he’d be perfectly willing to take you out on dates somewhere else (fishing is of course not everyone’s thing), but he’d still want to go, though he’s fine doing it without you. Would be nice if you were still willing to listen to him talk about it a bit though
And quite a few other things would go similarly; the two of you would try to find a middle point you’re both comfortable with
If you decide to leave him, he’ll accept it
And he’d probably go over to Prompto, to distract himself. Or maybe to cry
He wouldn’t actively avoid you, but for a while, things would be kinda weird if the two of you have to interact
Prompto
He’d at first try to be supportive of whatever is keeping you busy
If it’s something you enjoy, he’d love to hear about it; if not, you can always vent to him
And if you ask him for help, he is 100% ready and willing to do so
That said, he is worried that there’s something else wrong - Especially since you’ve started getting more distant
For a while, he tries to just ignore that worry; he tends to worry about his relationships with people dear to him in general
So it’s probably just his imagination, right? …Right?
But what if it’s not?
It’d take him a while to actually say anything, but it might be kinda noticeable even before
He’d still act as bouncy as ever most of the time, but if you’re paying attention, you could notice it’s just not quite the same
He might start suggestion the two of you look of some older photos more often; Prompto’s always liked doing that, sure, but not that frequently, and maybe not quite that focused on pictures of you two as a couple
He’s not going to plan having a talk with you, but at some point, he will mention something; probably when he walks past you and tries to say something else, but you just blow him off. Something like that.
“Hey, has… Has something happened? Are you… Mad at me for something?”
He looks like a scared sad puppy be nice to him
If it really is just normal business and you reassure him, he’ll be so relieved
In that case, he’ll probably just give you a quick hug and a kiss, and promise he’ll figure out some way to spend more time with you, so much as your schedule allows it
If it’s not, though…
He’ll beg you to tell him what’s wrong; he doesn’t want to lose you and wants to know how he messed up
He’ll be very quiet while you tell him, just nodding to show he’s still listening
If it’s something he can fix, he’ll do his best; he might mess up a few times, especially if it’s an old habit of his or something similar, but he’ll try
He’ll probably still try to fix it if it’s not something he can fix tbh
If you decide that no, this won’t work out anyway, he’ll probably just nod or give a meek “All right”
And you can just tell he’s trying and almost failing to hold back tears, but he won’t say anything to stop you
Ignis
Well, he kinda gets it
He tends to be really busy babysitting advising a certain prince, too
Still, it’s sad that now you two now have to pay attention to two very busy schedules
Luckily, Ignis is a great planner; business alone would be something he could deal with. He’d manage to find times when your schedules sync up
Plus, said prince is also a close friend, who’d definitely give Ignis some more time to spend with you
Sadly, all of that only helps if the main problem is business making you more distant; it won’t do much good if you’re being distant due to a different reason, and make yourself busy to avoid him
Ignis is pretty good at hiding his feelings, so he may not show it, but he’d be distraught
Once someone is important to him, they are important to him, come hell or high water
He’s pretty mature, so he’s aware the best course of action is to talk to you directly
That said, he’s… Not too great at heart to hearts
But he knows it’s necessary
He’ll find a moment both of you have time - He might even ask Noctis to give him an evening off if that’s what it takes - to sit you down and ask you what’s wrong
And then he’ll do his best to fix it; depending on what it is, that might be more or less difficult, but he’ll do a pretty good job
If it’s something he can’t influence because it doesn’t directly have to do with him, he’ll at least try to be there for you in any way he can and that you want him to
That said, if you deem it unfixable, he’ll let you go without much discussion; you’re old enough to make your own decisions, after all
(Which will not stop him from missing you terribly once you’re gone, but he will do his best not to let you - or anyone, for that matter - see it)
Gladio
Okay so, Gladio has a lot of charisma, but he’s… Not that great at reading/understanding people
So at first he’d think, sure, it kinda sucks that you’re more busy now and you don’t get to spend much time together, but oh well
He’d try to make the time you do have together more special, but that’s it
But if there’s a bigger reason beyond just general business, he’ll notice eventually
He’s not one for hiding how he feels, so once he notices, he’ll use the next chance to speak up
“Hey Babe, is something wrong?”
He’ll keep asking every now and again until you finally relent and talk to him
Depending on what exactly is up, there is a pretty big chance Gladio will try to defend himself
Which also means there’s a chance things will get kind of heated
“Gladio, shut up and LISTEN to me!”
Since he’s kind of a hot-head at times, too, he’d never hold a grudge for getting yelled at, but coming from you it would shut him up for a moment
But, well, getting from a heated argument back to a calm one isn’t easy (especially since Gladio tends to mask being generally upset with anger), so Gladio would probably leave at some point before things can get too bad
He wouldn’t say where he goes; depending on the time of day, either for a long hike or to train, probably. Blow some off some steam
Either that evening or the next day, he’d come back, with a big bouquet of your favorite flowers to apologize
He understood that you had a point once he’d calmed down, so he’ll ask to talk again - And this time, he’ll promise to listen
And he does. Once or twice he might try to speak up, but then remember his promise and shut up before you have to tell him
He will still explain his side of things - assuming something he did or does is the reason you’ve grown distant - but he’ll stay far calmer than the day before, and he’ll only speak once you’re done
He’s probably not quite as good at changing whatever habits of his bother you as, say, Ignis would be, but he is trying
If you decide to leave him, he’d ask for one last chance to try and fix it
But if you say no, he’ll accept it; he’d try to avoid you for a while afterwards, but once the wounds aren’t as fresh anymore, he’d totally be up for being friends
#Final Fantasy XV#Final Fantasy XV Headcanon#Chocobros#Noctis Lucis Caelum#Prompto Argentum#Ignis Scientia#Gladiolus Amicitia#sfw#Prompto's almost made me cry#He's my precious little sunshine boy I need him to be happy#(Don't get me wrong I loved getting to write the Chocobros! Especially since I almost only do KH)#(And while I love KH it's nice to get some variety :D)#I sometimes still fail to believe that Ignis is my age#He's like 50 times more mature than I am
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Mobile Rules
UPDATED: 02/07/2020
This is an independent multi-muse blog for several fandoms and muses. Typically speaking, I usually prefer to keep my muses on separate blogs, but it's proven difficult for me to actually maintain multiple blogs at once. For that reason, I will be condensing my current muses between this blog & my main blog, storiesofwildfire.
This is also not a fandom blog, meaning most of the posts will be in-character responses to threads and asks. All reblogs will be in relation to one of my muses or any of the characters or ideas that make up their world.
ACTIVITY
This blog is selective and private, meaning I will be selective with who I interact with and/or follow and i will only roleplay with mutuals.
My ask box and my IMs are open to non-mutuals, however. If I’m not following you, but you’d like to interact, don’t be afraid to shoot me a message. If we talk and I like you, chances are, I’ll follow you back. If you want to send a random ask, feel free. You don’t have to my mutual to use my ask box.
I can be an extremely slow roleplayer at times. Please understand that this is a hobby and while I love what I do, I cannot be here all the time. Sometimes IC replies and OOC replies will come slowly. I am also a writer outside of Tumblr, so sometimes my personal and professional projects have to come first and often suck up a lot of my creative energy.
That said, I am not on Tumblr at all during the weekends. Starting Friday night and usually extending to Sunday night/Monday morning, I log out of Tumblr completely. This is because I am typically very busy on the weekends, but also because I need to take a step back from Tumblr once in a while just to keep my sanity. I'm more motivated to write on the days I promise to be here if I can look forward to a few days off at the end of the week. It's just to give me some peace of mind and a bit of breathing room.
On days I am not on Tumblr, I am likely still on discord--which is available for mutuals upon request!
Sometimes my blog will update through a queue so it is still active even when I am not physically on. I do this regularly but not consistently. If you're curious as to whether or not something is a queued post, you can check my tags. All queued posts have a queue tag on them!
PREFERENCES & HATE
I do not roleplay with anyone under the age of 18. It's nothing personal to the younglings of Tumblr, but for my own personal comfort, I'd rather keep my interactions to 18+ only.
I prefer plotting over jumping into an interaction that has no basis. Memes are great and I love them, but I have very little interest in maintaining threads that have no substance.
I prefer novella threads, but I am willing to do shorter para threads as well. i am not willing to do one-liners. A thread has to have some meat to it in order to hold my interest.
I do not tolerate hate at all. Anonymous or not, I will not deal with hate directed at me or any other person.
NSFW (meaning sex, violence, torture, gore, and other adult themes) will be present. I roleplay a large range of topics, including very dark and sensitive subjects.
I do not personally have many triggers when it comes to what I am willing to explore on this blog. Dark themes will be very present. I will not censor my muse but I will tag triggering content accordingly. I tag by a '( tw ) triggering content title' system. Self harm, for example, would look like this: ( tw ) self harm
SHIPPING
Simply put, I love shipping, but it's not the sole reason I'm here. If I ship, I prefer to ship in a setting that's well thought out and plot driven. The ship is great, but there needs to be more than just the ship. I don't ship for the sake of shipping and I only ship based on chemistry. If you want to ship with me but don't know how to approach the subject, just send me a message and we can discuss it!
WHAT KEEPS ME FROM FOLLOWING?
Blogs who have no about page. This is the essence of a character. Without it, I have no idea if I would be interested in your muse or not. This is staple for canons and OCs.
Anyone who make me feel like a number. I do not expect anyone to make me an exclusive partner. You are more than welcome to roleplay with dupes, but I do not want to be added to a collection. I am an individual, not a collector’s item. Valuing unique portrayals is so important
Non-roleplay-blogs/self inserts.
People who I have witnessed abusing or attacking other role-players. If you have an issue with another role-player, handle it in private. Do not attack them publicly. I have been a victim of “call-out culture” and I will not deal with it. I understand that some call-out posts are necessary to warn people of harmful people and toxic environments, however, more often than not, I see call-out posts that throw around false accusations and complain about personal problems rather than actual, problematic behavior. Unless undeniable proof is provided, I will never be part of the culture of publicly slandering someone.
To follow up on that last point, if I see a lot of ooc drama and constantly negativity on a blog, I won't follow.
People who godmod. If you do godmod me, I will message you about it. If you are unwilling to discuss the issue, the thread will be dropped.
Anyone who think they have the right to tell me or anyone else what they can and cannot do with their blogs. Roleplaying is about writing and exploring a wide variety of topics. Fiction is not reality. A muse’s actions are not the mun condoning said actions. If you cannot understand that fiction is a way for writers to explore things outside of everyday life, dark or otherwise, this is not the blog for you.
EXCLUSIVES
Being exclusive is something that I am willing to do, but on very rare occasion. It takes a lot of personal love and interaction with a mun to be willing to make them exclusive with my muse. This isn't just about IC interactions being amazing, but also an OOC connection with the other mun as well. An exclusive status will only be offered if it is returned. If you are my exclusive, I am yours.
EXCLUSIVES LIST:
THISFORGOTTENLORE - Bigby Wolf, Brienne of Tarth, Bruce Banner & Hulk, Geralt, Heimdall, Illya Kuryakin, Jaskier, Khal Drogo, Kratos, Robert Jekyll & Hyde, The Iron Bull, Yennefer
OFCHARREDBONES - Johnny Blaze
If you would like to talk about being an exclusive and we already interact, please feel free to shoot me a message!
ABOUT THE MUN
Hi there! My name is Amber and I'm in my mid-twenties. I've just finished up a master's degree in creative writing for entertainment, meaning I take great pride and joy in writing stories in just about any sort of medium. I primarily focus on prose (as demonstrated by this blog) and film/television scripts, but I also dive into comics and other mediums from time to time.
I'm not going to go on and on about myself because I don't want to bore you! Just know that I'm very friendly, kind of shy, and if you want to write with me and you come at me wanting to plot, I will probably be over the moon about it. I thrive on plotting and world building and if you have an interest in doing those things with me, we'll get along great.
I do run a couple of blogs ( though Loki is my main! ). You can find all of them here:
LOKI LAUFEYSON ( and supplement characters ) - storiesofwildfire
MULTI-MUSE - grimoireweavers
CREDITS
Blog aesthics ( including blog background, pop-up headers, and mobile header ) done by the insanely talented thisforgottenlore.
Main icons by the equally lovely and talented kingsley.
All other graphics, unless otherwise stated, are made by me.
#rules#rules text post#( mun ; out of character )#( mun ; mun things )#blog updates#{ okay... so i might have skipped out on writing#but I did fix my rules up a bit and hopefully made them as concise as I can#mostly just don't be a dick and don't tell people what they can and can't do#also miss me with the drama because I cannot for the life of me stand drama }
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So I bought groceries today...
And it went a little something like this.
The roads were empty. Hardly anyone was about. I bowled along with music blaring. It seemed like a movie scene. The carpark, though, was crowded. The queue snaked back out of the door and all the way down the side of the building, out of the entrance and up towards the roundabout. You have to walk all the way back along it to reach the part where you get to stand. It feels somehow executionary.
All the same, the queue was a nice place to be. The sun was beaming down and there was a festival air, a pageantry to the whole proceedings. It was as if we were lining up for a fairground attraction. Everybody was in a good mood, perched on walls, shouting to one another over the mandated distance of one adult bull seal.
I was perhaps half an hour in that queue. We edged our slow way along. A woman got a notification on her phone that Boris had the virus and shouted it out to a ragged chorus of cheers. The couple three down from me kissed in a truly unnecessary display of physical intimacy in these times of distance – how dare they have somebody safe with whom to share their germs? It seems dreamlike already.
Once you near the entrance, the line becomes formalised. Barriers and partitions are set up. Duct tape crosses mark where you are allowed to stand. Security guards in vests and helmets give directions. Every time somebody leaves, with a laden trolley or a thousand bags, somebody else has permission to enter. We inch ever closer.
At last, the old guard gives me the nod and in I go. The foyer is stacked floor to ceiling with bread. We are walled with bread. Thankfully, bread is on the list so I snatch the first loaf I come to and hurry through into the air-conditioned splendour of a surprisingly peaceful shop.
Nobody is talking – everybody came alone, one person per list. Everybody is focused. The reduced numbers make it almost pleasant, for a little while. I fill my bags with celery and grapes. The thing we have in abundance is fresh fruit and vegetables. I suppose the supply chains of those were already set up. It’s the things they don’t get regular deliveries of that are in trouble.
Things got more complicated with the list. By standing on tiptoe and some serious rummaging, I was able to snag the last two tins of tomato soup. Dedicated detective work won me a pot of custard. The intervention of a kindly gentleman found me curry sauce. He was a marvellous chap, on a state-of-the-art mobility scooter with his lop-eared service dog riding high on the prow like the figurehead of a ship.
Ribena was a no-go. Soft drinks are in short supply and rationing is enforced. There were only a couple of baked bean tins left and I snagged those as well – you’re allowed three maximum, well, there were two on the shelf so I took them. The pasta shelves are empty and only the weird speciality rice is left. The biscuits show clearly the nation’s preferences: no bourbons to be found, but you’re in luck if you favour off-brand Nice. Sauces are in short supply. So are chutneys. Indian food is rationed in the international section; there has been sudden demand.
When you get to the frozen aisle, everything is empty. The great bins that are usually stuffed with bags and boxes lie fallow. A few oven chips huddle together in a cabinet. There’s a decent amount of ice cream. Still, that bids farewell to our dear neighbours’ dreams of frozen peas.
The bags are getting so heavy the handles are in danger of breaking off. Pop hits from the early 90s ring through over the sound of tramping feet and the rustle of a thousand packages. The walkie-talkies of the staff crackle. I hunt down crisps, porridge oats, halved walnuts. It’s strange but the seasonal displays are still up, with their offers and their stacks of cakes and Easter eggs. It seems like something from another land. The Pope has cancelled Easter.
Only four tills are open. The queues stretch back down the aisles. If you want anything from an aisle people are queuing in, your only option is to join the line and hope you end up standing next to it eventually. I settle for the line that runs down the laundry aisle. We’re in for a long wait.
The minutes tick by. I glance behind. I am now in the middle of the line, but I have only moved three paces forward. The washing powder so dearly prized is far off in the future. The radio plays something from the 70s.
Twenty minutes now and I’m securely inside the aisle, but still a long way from washing powders. I stare at the fabric conditioners and wonder about their flavours. Lychee and raspberry seems an odd choice but what do I know about lychees? I realise, all at once, that I know nothing about lychees. Have I even seen a lychee? I feel as though I have eaten one but I cannot summon it to mind. The bags are so heavy now. I place one on the floor and flex my fingers. They are purple and bruised, and will not straighten.
Forty minutes in and I start to sway. The washing powders are so close now but I cannot see them clearly, only the edge of one box. I cannot tell if the kind demanded are even there. I had forgotten my low blood pressure – it’s so much better these days, it’s been years since I’ve stood still long enough to feel the danger. I might faint at any moment.
I wonder if that would make the news. Would somebody write a report about the poor young woman who fainted waiting in line to buy soup? Would they sensationalise it, and I would be forced to issue a statement saying that I’m just really bad at standing upright and everybody should calm down? To be on the safe side, I start to shuffle my feet the way Rob-from-Band taught me all those years ago. I perform a little two-step there in line to the tune of the Spice Girls. The woman in front of me glares at me. She thinks I’m being impatient. The old man behind me nods and smiles sympathetically.
“Not long now,” he says.
He is wrong.
One hour in the line and paradise is unlocked. The box sits there, undisturbed. Washing powder! Washing powder to bring home! It is rationed, but that is no matter. I will take all I can lay my greedy hands upon. I will stuff the remaining space in my bags with blue boxes. The prize, so long sought, is mine at last!
One hour and five minutes into queuing, somebody tries to start a line at the next till. They haven’t realised, you see, that our line divides between two. They are politely informed of the situation and advised to join the rear of the queue, now apparently snaking half-way round the shop despite the one-in-one-out rule at the door. The woman throws up her hands and screams.
“We’re all in the same boat,” choruses the line, in dull unison.
I speak with them. I am them. These people and I are one.
The woman yells but she submits, dragging herself down to the far end to begin her own long quest for salvation. We creep ever closer. I can see the tills now, watch the red lights blink as they fail again and again, for some reason overwhelmed. I watch the face of the attendant. She is so beautiful. She is so dead behind those lovely eyes.
One hour and ten minutes. Somebody tries to start a line at the other till.
“Same boat,” we chant, our eyes blank, our hearts as heavy as our shopping bags. “Same boat.”
At last, the queue creeps again. All at once, I stand alone on the brink. Dusty linoleum stretches out ahead of me and there, unreachable, on the other side of the imaginary bull seal, is the till itself. The woman ahead of me starts to unload her trolley. I never knew they made trolleys that big. Things keep on emerging, like a conjurer’s trick.
One hour and twenty-five minutes since I joined the queue. The attendant approaches me and gestures, from a safe distance, to the now-emptied till. I rush, as if anybody would dare to take it from me. I feel I should hurry for the sake of those behind but my limbs refuse. The deadened pace of the last hour has changed me. I am an automaton; I move at one speed only.
The machine bleeps its terrible bleep. I empty the bags to fill them again. I stack tins at the base, top off with grapes. The machine fails. The attendant rushes to rescue me. I nearly weep as I thank her. She, such is the day, does not seem alarmed. She merely nods, a nod of solidarity, of two women stuck in purgatory.
But I have seen the light. The bags fill. I do not see the price as I flail with my debit card. It is plastic, just plastic. I could break it in my hand. It will give me these items I fought for. How does it do that? I no longer know.
“Thank you for shopping with us,” says the machine.
“Thank you,” I tell it.
Do I mean it? Who can say?
Some lucky soul rushes to take my place. I gather up my bags. I do not feel the pain now. My fingers are raw. I feel nothing. I make my way down the long corridor, past the rows of locked tills and unstocked shelves. The doors are ahead. They swoosh, so quiet, to expel me into the foyer of bread. The security guard turns to look at me. He is still here, then, the man who bade me enter. His gaze is a lifeline. I hold it. To drop it would be to fail, to be sucked back inside, to never escape. I am Orpheus. I must not look round.
The portal is passed. I step out onto concrete, into the fierce rush of petrol fumes and sunlight. He nods, and breaks our gaze. The line moves on, the next couple setting out to begin what I have just endured. The line is so long now, so much longer than it was. It does not matter. I am free. I am born anew.
I walk to my car. I left it centuries ago. The music starts where I left off. This is a different world. The sun is so bright. There are children playing in the carpark, running between the cars, ducking down, laughing. They are waiting. Somebody who loves them is buying bread. They are innocent. They are not tainted as we have been tainted.
I am no longer tainted. I am purified. The engine hiccups into life. I drive slowly out. The roadway is lined with people waiting to enter. The pageantry is still there, the festival, the sunlight. They seem to crowd around my windows. The music plays. I know now how Kennedy felt, that day in Dallas, when the crowds cheered his name.
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Rammstein @ Stadium MK, 06 July 2019 [Review]
Just over a week ago, I saw one of the greatest shows in my life.
I dedicate lengthy reviews to most concerts I’ve been to. R+ most definitely merit one, and I like to think this one turned out very nice and long, with plenty of images in between. Nevertheless, I omitted a lot more details this time than I usually do, because:
My pre-show adventures were abnormally long (12+ hours wait).
I made irl queue buddies whose identities aren’t up to me to release.
I’ve talked to people who plan to attend future tour dates and do not want to be spoiled on what R+ has planned. I usually put my reviews below a cut to prevent spoilers, but it doesn’t work on mobile as well.
So, a compromise: I commented on every song on the setlist, but I kept to general comments for new content. There are things R+ brought out this year that you really need to see with your own eyes. But I can’t completely refuse to talk about new things, otherwise that’s only half a review. Those who are wary of all spoilers, please, read at your own risk.
Read on for more. Mobile users, be warned this is a very long post.
----------------------------
The Journey (+ Queue Adventures)
This show wasn’t in London. You won’t read about London commutes or opinions about the London Underground in this section for once.
Too bad the journey to Milton Keynes fucking sucked. It wasn’t commuting back and forth between Rammstein and my hotel that was the problem. In fact, going back home from Milton Keynes was very simple. But getting there? My God. Only a few things went pear-shaped, and I have nobody but myself to blame for the things that went wrong, but I was not prepared for the discrepancy between MK and the areas surrounding it. Future me, book your hotels and transport in Central Milton Keynes next time.
I will never put myself in the mercy of so many taxis in my life again.
Well, I mean, two. Still two too many.
A quick note about Milton Keynes for non-UK residents.
It’s probably the most organized city in this country. Milton Keynes is modern and grid-planned, unlike most other cities here which have grown organically and have alleys and hills and cobblestones all over the place. All the roads in MK are in straight lines or clear roundabouts, buildings/facilities are in logical places, and it’s widely considered to be a very easy place to navigate. It’d have been nice to experience literally any of that during most of my journey, because dumbass booked a hotel in the villages around Milton Keynes rather than the city itself. The villages are serene and calming, but they absofuckinglutely do not adhere to any such thing as a grid plan and getting around them was difficult. This was not helped by the fact that the very first leg of the journey, Brighton to London, was delayed for an hour due to an accident on the motorway. I missed the connection to Milton Keynes as a result.
Fuckign.
That was one inconvenience which was not in any way my fault whatsoever, and I’m still bitter that it nearly ruined my entire journey. At least trains between London to Milton Keynes are very common, and it’s only half an hour. So ultimately, after an extra fifteen quid, I arrived right on time. Commuting to the hotel was much harder, because it was a very hot day, and the trains to these villages come by more infrequently. But at least they were there, I hadn’t packed a very heavy load, and when I finally reached the hotel I was given a cottage room all to myself which was cool and comfortably out of the way.
There was a huge bathtub. Some nice free toiletries. Complimentary brandy. Oh, hotel, why couldn’t you have been a little closer to the city centre?
But, whatever. I got there. I took the Ls I deserved, and I didn’t pay too high a price for the one I didn’t deserve. I’d brought more than enough money to cover it, because I’d known I would need to shell out extra for transport on the day of the concert. That thought process is universal among concertgoers; I think I handled that as well I could have. I ate dinner, packed a bag, and fell asleep.
That was Friday. Saturday the 6th I will cover in bullet points, from waking up to front row, because most of my Saturday consisted of nothing but waiting for Rammstein. I’m usually more detailed about my preshow life, but there’s a line between an entertaining diary entry and making people slog through fifteen hours of Rammstein-not-happening. Let’s go.
4am. Up nice and early. I force down breakfast. I have a small bag packed with necessities, and a plastic bag intended to be disposed of at the concert: the latter contains energy bars, satsumas (for hydration), some dried salami, and two bottles of water. That is all I’m going to be eating for the rest of the day.
5:45am. Taxi to Stadium MK. It costs exactly a tenner. I decide that when I’m heading back from the concert, I’m willing to pay up to double this amount. A higher price surge will mean I’ll have to wait.
6am. Queuing adventures begin. There are already four people ahead of me; the people at the very front have been waiting since 3am. I’m at Gate 5, closest to front row out of all the other available gates in the stadium. There are three queue lines already formed with metal barriers, separated by standing, seats, and accessible/disabled, but there is a taller barricade in front of it which prevents us from going in there. We are too early even for that.
Stadium doors open at five, R+ comes on at eight. This is going to be a ridiculous haul.
7am. Up to ten people in the queue. The first six of us in the queue begin talking. These people are the aforementioned queue buddies who will subsequently keep my place in line during bathroom breaks, give me much concert wisdom, and preserve our places for front row. The human capacity to spontaneously begin caring for one another at concerts is what I like best about concert culture, especially metalhead culture. Ain’t no other home I’ve found like with fellow metalheads.
9:30am. I am really tired. The people right behind me have homebrewed a sunshade out of plastic picnic mats across the barriers. Half of us are collapsed on the asphalt, sleeping.
10:13am. Bathroom break. Me and one other girl leave the queue to the 24h McDonalds to make use of theirs. I will revisit this McDonalds roughly 14 hours from now, this time to contribute actual business.
12pm. People in queue are significantly more alert because security guys have started milling around. The barricades for the main queue lines will be removed around 3pm.
1:30pm. One last bathroom break. We visit the nearby Asda, because it’s becoming evident the area is flooded with R+ fans and the restaurants are demanding they engage with actual business before using their bathrooms. Asda has no such issue.
3pm. Barricades finally open and I make it to the front of the line once more. We’re allowed a single 500ml bottle of water with us but then they FUCKING HIT US AGAIN WITH THE NO BOTTLE CAP BULLSHIT. Seriously it’s more of a hazard to have open bottles spilling water everywhere for the love of God just let us keep our bottle caps. I discard my original cap, but what I didn’t tell security was that I had a sports cap from a separate bottle from earlier hidden in the depths of my jacket. Once I’m in, I just screw that on, and I am fine and dandy.
5PM FUCKING DOORS ARE OPEN GO GO GO-
-STAIRS? S T A IR S??? AIN’T NOBODY FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT STAIRS ? 1!?@?3@?@/2?3?#
After a wild scramble I score front row nonetheless. Last time I was front row for Rammstein, I was in front of Richard; this time I choose Paul’s side.
Around 6pm it begins to rain. In the stadium.
6:30pm. I am really cold. I am shivering despite the thousands of people rubbing shoulders beside and all around me, and it’s still 1hrs 30mins until R+ show up. They cannot come on fast enough. I have never wanted so much to be toasted like a marshmallow.
7pm. The opener comes on - Jatekok, a classical pianist duo who covered most of Sehnsucht over a half-hour period. They are all the way over at the B-stage however, and while I can hear them, being a short woman at front row essentially means I forfeit anything that happens on the B-stage. It’s too far back, and there are too many people between me and the stage for me to see anything.
Rammstein came on at 8pm to a multi-language announcement asking the audience not to film the performance. The abundance of full-length videos on youtube depicting exactly that is proof that this request was not kept, but I digress. I’m assuming most people reading this review are Rammstein fans, or or know how each song’s ‘performance’ goes, so a minute-by-minute play will be unnecessary. My comments are general, but hopefully insightful.
----------------------------
01. Was ich liebe (Rammstein)
Check this shit out!
This screen will continue to be relevant throughout the concert. Half the time it’s displaying the logo, and half the time... well, you’ll have to see 😂
R+ have opted for a relatively calm start in this tour. The bandmates appear one by one to the intro, lingering at the front of the stage (save for Schneider) until Till appears.
All the bandmates’ outfits. So far a theme is uncertain.
Or maybe it’s just that Flake is the odd one out. He sparkles most golden throughout the entire concert. He still has the treadmill arrangement going. If anything he’s gotten more stage-confident and hilarious since the last time I saw him.
Till’s outfit goes hot and serious and heavy. He will only keep the coat on for ‘Was ich liebe’, which is perfectly reasonable; it’s stopped raining by this time and the venue is warm-ish, though clouded.
As for ‘Was ich liebe’ as a song, I’m fond of it. I am, however, surprised to see that it’s the opener. This is not a complaint: in retrospect, R+ paced out the songs from their recent album very cleverly throughout the concert, alternating between their older hits and building up to the major climaxes in the middle (songs 7-14). It was just a bit of a surprise at the time.
I see the most of this cheerful lil’ bastard through the show. Paul will feature heavily in my images of this night.
02. Links 2-3-4 (Mutter)
Storytime. Kinda.
I had never watched the music video of ‘Links 2-3-4′ until the day of this concert. I’ve always known one existed, I just didn’t watch it because it’s full of ants and insects are my number one phobia. I haven’t willingly sought out things with insects in it for years, and I wasn’t going to start any time soon. This self-imposed ban on watching the video was broken in Stadium MK because while we were waiting, they were marathoning every single R+ music video on a large screen off to the side of the stage. I watched the whole thing then because I might as well; what the hell else was I gonna do, leave the front row?
It was actually a pretty good video once I got past the CGI bugs ick factor of it. This has nothing to do with the actual live version of the song. Why the hell have I written so much about this? Till removes his heavy coat almost as soon as the song begins. Paul starts properly fucking around with his mic. I’m seeing the virtues of being on Paul’s side very early on, and I finally get what people mean by having ‘met Paul’s eyes’ during the concert. It’s not that he’s focused on the one person, at least not as far as he outwardly presents himself, but he does seem to have a specific zone in which he regards the audience. He takes time to meet eyes with various people, smile, and acknowledge particular situations.
03. Tattoo (Rammstein)
Till is now dressed suitably for the Tillhammer to come out in full force. I’m not huge on ‘Tattoo’ as a song, but this is where Till really starts to gravitate towards either side of the stage, rather than at dead center. After shenanigans with Paul, as seen above, he comes over to Paul’s side (where I am) and stays for the first verse and the first ‘zeig mir deins, ich zeig' mir deins’ chorus.
I like to think we make eye contact, but there are thousands of people behind me and he’s not an eye contact person. Just a fleeting thought.
Also I just went to look at one of the aforementioned full-length videos of this concert and someone was bouncing around an inflatable shark (?) behind me. How did they get that in? Hide it deflated in one’s clothes then inflate it while in the stadium?
04. Sehnsucht (Sehnsucht)
The last strands of ‘Tattoo’ fade immediately into ‘Sehnsucht’ with no time for a break. Till removes another layer of outerwear. Fireworks burst out at every beat leading up to the main part of the song. In retrospect, discounting their fiery entrance, ‘Sehnsucht’ is really the point where you can tell they’re warming up the pyrotechnics. I don’t remember any particular interaction between Till or the guitarists, as from what I can remember Till was busy Tillhammering at the center stage; he will move around more freely later. My memories of this song are loving but blurred, because I got into headbanging with the girls beside me and their hair was grazing my arms something awful. I have similar length hair, however, so I’m sure I was doing the same to them.
God ‘Sehnsucht’ is so good. I always think of the Live Aus Berlin performance where Till was bashing the mic against his forehead when I hear this song. Hits me right in the spot every time.
Also: bonus Richard.
05. Zeig dich (Rammstein)
*sick guitar riffs* ‘Zeig! Dich!’
Fuck yeah. The heat from those firebursts are brief but incredible. Now I feel most comfortable and toasted. Black smoke drifts into the sky.
Also significant ymmv based on location, but this is only about the people around and behind me: come on guys, seriously? You don’t know the lyrics! This is the third song from Rammstein already and you’ve been quiet all three times! I however give them credit for being so well behaved through the show. People further to the right of me were getting dragged out all over the place.
06. Mein Herz brennt (Mutter)
Till trolls us with the first instance of ‘mein Herz brennt’, as the main riff doesn’t immediately begin after these words in this performance. He has a laugh about this. Other than that, the performance is as you’d expect, complete with heart pyrotechnics towards the end.
Olli comes very close to me at the halfway point. I'm starting to worry he’s going to spend the entire concert dressed like this, though the concern is unwarranted. It seems such a hot thing to be wearing.
07. Puppe (Rammstein)
ich rEISS' DER PUPPE den KOPF! AB!
ja, ich REISS' DER PUPPE den KOPF! AB!
UND DANN BEISS’ ICH DER PUPPE DEN H̷AL҉S̕ ĄA̡AA͟B̵!
E̷҉S̀͡͞ ҉̶ĢE͞͝H̷͡T͘ ̢́M͜҉I̵͜R ́͠͝N̷̴Í̷C͟͡͞H̸̀T̛̀ G̡̕U̡҉̀U̵̕U͡͠U҉UU̢U͡T̷̨̛
Make sure you see this performance live, preferably up close. It’s beyond words.
08. Heirate mich (Herzeleid)
When I was in the queue I struck up a conversation with one of my queue buddies about what songs might be on the setlist. She had been front row for the concert in Berlin prior to this, so she already knew what we were getting into. I requested no spoilers in advance, which she kept to - but then our conversation moved to the Herzeleid-Sehnsucht era and I mentioned how I’d love to see a live performance of ‘Heirate mich’ again. It was always a wistful sadness of mine that I was born too damned early to see Till doing this.
Not that I said outright Tillchard was the reason I liked this song.
In retrospect, she had a twinkle in her eye when I said this, because she knew that this song was on the setlist. I did not see it coming. I kept myself spoiler-free from day one of buying tickets to the actual concert itself, so it was a genuine surprise when the intro to ‘Heirate mich’ started playing. Surprise and confusion with a heaping side of mother fucking excuse me when I recognized what it was.
Oh I went hog wild, guys.
Till does not do the dragging himself onto his knees thing in the current tour, which I think is understandable. His knees weren’t amazing twenty years ago and they are presumably even less so now. It’s a very straightforward performance, winding down to prepare for the real showstoppers - but my old wish was finally granted, Till sounded wonderful in both song and narrative, and I came away most satisfied. 11/10 would listen again.
09. Diamant (Rammstein)
Half the band takes a break here. Flake comes down from the keyboards to sit on the stage and Olli sits beside him, providing the bass for this short beautiful little ballad. There are no fancy pyrotechnics here, nor much stage movement; it’s a sequence to make the audience aware of the overheard screen, imo, in case ‘Puppe’ didn’t do a good enough job of it. The entire performance is broadcast on that screen with the camera turning between Olli, Till, and Flake.
Till’s voice is beautiful. It’s the most legitimately serene Rammstein performance I’ve ever seen live. They have their share of ballads - ‘Ohne dich’ will also feature later in the concert - but ‘Diamant’ is probably the most low-key of them all.
10. Deutschland (Richard Z. Kruspe Remix) / Deutschland (Rammstein)
I...
???
?????
?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!
I have no words. Like ‘Puppe’, you really need to see this entire sequence live. I can say three things, however, and two are about Richard: 1) ‘Deutschland’ comes in two flavours in the tour, the second one being the glorious full version in the main album, 2) Richard avoids sounding devilish in his backing vocals (‘du hast, du hast, du hast, du hast... so heiß, so heiß, so heiß, so heiß’ etc), though I cannot guarantee he will always be as tuneful in future performances, and 3) he will not go of that coat until ‘Du hast’. DJ Kruspe is in the house and only the unrelenting flow of time can part him from his swaggity swag fluffcoat.
But I... well, I keep remembering Till’s pink shrug every time I look at it. Remember back when we fawned over that as the brand new Rammstein outfit?
Oh my God I’ve gotten so old.
11. Radio (Rammstein)
This is probably my second favourite song of the new album and they deliver. Because ‘Deutschland’ was, well, ‘Deutschland’, it comes across as relatively low-key compared to what came before (and will after), but I like it like that. During the bridge ‘Ra-di-o... radio’ part, Paul and Richard come out with their own small synths to recreate that sound. It’s so peppy.
Paul does another small dance. Why did I neglect being on Paul’s side until now? This is great.
12. Mein Teil (Reise, Reise)
I’m half ashamed to say I spent this entire performance filming it instead of rocking out. I wanted to save it that much. It was that good.
No, it’s not fundamentally different to other performances of ‘Mein Teil’. Till keeps his usual outfit, Flake’s in the pot, there is a pot, etc. However, the pyrotechnics have changed significantly, and let’s just say that Flake endures a hell of a lot more than previous incarnations.
And comes out of it more sprightly than before, somehow.
Marry me.
Also a bonus consequence of being front row: after this song, Till comes down the stage and walks along the barrier shaking/slapping hands with people. In his murderchef outfit. I was one of many who managed to touch his hand. It really is a very quick walk, so you’ll have to be ready with hand already out and in reaching distance (difficult if you’re short) if you want to partake in this encounter, but it does happen. Future concertgoers watch out for something like this maybe.
13. Du hast (Sehnsucht)
Can you really call it a live performance of ‘Du hast’ if the audience isn’t singing at least 50% of it in Till’s stead?
But then, when else do we have that opportunity. Milton Keynes audience does not disappoint.
Also Till shoots some excellent fireworks that travels across the length of the stadium and back before crashing back onstage. I still hear their whistles in my mind. Night is beginning to fall for real, and it’s a fantastic time to be ramping up the fireworks. Evidently R+ think the same, because...
14. Sonne (Mutter)
Daaaaaaaaammnn!!!
I have a video of this performance, but honestly it is not that useful for assessing what’s happening onstage. There is just too much fire. The video whites out continuously from all the flames mere feet away from us. ‘Sonne’ has always been a facemelting showstopper for Rammstein during live shows, but they’ve really gone above and beyond this year: the arena truly lights up like the sun for the full duration of the song. I highly recommend getting front row for this, right in front of where you can see the pyrotechnics are installed in the above gif. (Between main speakers, essentially.) Your face will burn off even more than it usually burns off during a R+ concert, and you will enjoy every minute of it.
15. Ohne dich (Reise, Reise)
Till’s in very good condition tonight. How he pulls off the slow ballads is how I tend to gauge his voice is from night to night, and he doesn’t let us down here either. The entire front row slow waves to this song, which is something I’m proud of being a part of. The girl to the left of me is weeping. The seriousness of this song still does not prevent Flake fucking around. It wouldn’t do R+ performances justice if he wasn’t like this.
‘Ohne dich’ is considered the first ‘ending’ of the concert, meaning in reality the band’s first departure from the main stage. All six members take an initial bow before moving to the B-stage. They will return to the main stage shortly afterwards for further encores.
16. Engel (Sehnsucht)
Pros: The opening act return in their gorgeous outfits and pianos, and act as the piano instrumental for this performance.
Cons: It’s on the B-stage. I sure heard this song but didn’t see anything. God damnit I hate being five feet four.
They provide a karaoke for people exactly in my situation, though. That’s at least something 😂
17. Ausländer (Rammstein)
You thought one R+ boat ride was awesome? HOW ABOUT THREE.
I am going to cry. Look at it. It’s literally a Welcome sign. The sentiment of the music video to ‘Ausländer’ is perfectly retained as they surf across the audience from the B-stage.
Also bonus ~✨👀 unintentional Tillchard moment 👀✨~ as Richard has a little slip on his way out of the boat. He was not hurt and was back onstage quickly. All this before the song even begins. I may need to upload the video of this moment.
‘Ausländer’ itself I have slightly more mixed feelings for. The song is fantastic and I have no complaints about the album version, and hearing Till cry out ‘я люблю тебя’ is always a plus. The problem with the live version is simply that the drums are too loud during the chorus: instead of a clearly enunciated ‘Ich bin Aus-län-der!’ with a drumbeat on each syllable, one hears ‘*THUD* *THUD* Aus-län-*THUD*!’. I was wearing earplugs which might have affected the quality somewhat, but people who weren’t wearing any were talking about this after the show as well, and after watching videos of the Milton Keynes performance I’m sure the drums were too loud. Your mileage may vary on whether this is a desirable effect - it lets the audience fills in the ‘ich bin’ part, I suppose - but I feel Till was unnecessarily drowned out.
18. Du riechst so gut (Herzeleid)
For me, the highlight of this song in the live version is always, always, always Richard’s evil scream-growl ‘DU RIECHST SO GUUUUUUUUUUUT’ (example here for reference). He delivers yet again.
19. Pussy (Liebe Ist Für Alle Da)
On the whole, this performance is largely unaltered from how it usually goes. Till gestures for the audience to sing the first couple of lines, there is a dick cannon that shoots something at the audience, and Till mans the dick cannon. Last time I saw them from front row, we were all covered in a very thick white foam; this time it was bubbles, followed by a shower of white confetti. The combination was less clinging than the foam, somehow, much more pleasant to be showered with.
Only Rammstein could make me write such a sentence about dick cannons.
Speaking of the dick cannon, though, I engaged in some discussion about it while I was waiting for the performance. This cannon has had a troubled existence, as R+ fans would know: sometimes it straight up hasn’t worked, and it’s been redesigned several times, ranging from a disturbingly realistic look to a flesh-coloured polygonal creation. This current version is the least realistic of all the dick cannons R+ have ever used. It’s just like, metal. Visibly. They haven’t gone to the extra trouble of painting it flesh-coloured. My guess is that this is because it fits with their current chrome/dark aesthetics better, R+ aren’t a band to neglect that kind of detail. As long as it works and the audience is aptly showered, what’s the problem? Let’s do it quick! 😀
And now this is entirely too many words about dick cannons, so I’ll move on.
20. Rammstein (Herzeleid)
‘Ramm-stein!’
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. It is past ten o’clock and the skies have gotten dark, though not so dark you can’t see the black smoke spiraling into the air with each burst of fire. A plane flies by far above into the distance and I appreciate the poetic irony. I think I would have been happy enough if they’d ended the performance on this note, but there’s one last song left.
21. Ich will (Mutter)
I can’t think of a better finale.
This song is exactly what you’d expect, with an additional sprinkle of fireworks punctuating every pause in the lines ‘Seht ihr mich? / Versteht ihr mich? / Fühlt ihr mich? / Hört ihr mich?’. Like always, audience participation is mandatory, as is the audience showing off their hands. It is the perfect way to end the show: it’s a classic favourite, it’s neither too bright nor too grim (avoids ending on a downer note), and it’s a song exclusively written to highlight a togetherness between band and audience. ‘Ich will’ could end every R+ concert it features in, in my opinion, regardless of theme or era... and it will always be appropriate.
The concert really ends after that. It helps that Till addresses his farewell to us as ‘fucking Milton Keynes’ (in a wholly fond way) before they depart. I won’t speak about the details of how they leave, because that’s almost a small show of its own, but trust me when I say I was in tears.
I say that like that didn’t happen at least three times during the concert.
----------------------------
After it’s all over, I... don’t get to go back to my hotel and sleep. Not after a lot of waiting, anyway. Over 30,000 people are trying to leave this stadium all at once, the traffic congestion is awful and there are pretty much no taxis/uber rides available in the couple of hours following the concert. I eventually end up sitting in the McDonalds (only 24hr restaurant nearby) with queue buddies until roughly 1am until the surge goes down and I can pay the amount I promised myself for my uber.
I could have gone back earlier. I budgeted over a hundred pounds to see myself through the price surge, in case it didn’t go down as quickly as I hoped, or if I urgently needed to get myself out of danger. It was just that the predictor was showing something like fifty to eighty quid for a ten-minute ride back to my hotel and, like. Fuck that. There’s being able to ‘afford’ it, and then being able to afford it, and I can think of better ways to spend fifty pounds.
And to be honest, after over a half day of hunger, even McDonalds was one of those better places. I had a meal and a Sprite before I could get out of there. It was probably the first time I’d had something resembling a legit meal in two days and if I hadn’t been so ecstatic I think I’d have been depressed.
Then I got back to my hotel. Made myself a hot chocolate with brandy. Passed out on my bed around 3am, then got back up around 7am to enjoy a nice morning bath and get myself back home. It was around 5pm on Sunday when I returned to Brighton, ears still ringing, feeling on cloud nine.
So that’s me. Future concertgoers, take as many opportunities as possible to go see Rammstein’s current tour live. Front row may be near impossible if you aren’t a LIFAD member and/or get pre-releases for the Feuer Zone (although Milton Keynes didn’t have that) but try to get as close as possible, anyway. It is not an experience to be missed.
Though also bring an umbrella, maybe. If your stadium allows it. It was a fucking trip surviving 12+ hours in the great outdoors and then immediately being rained on while on front row 😰
#rammstein#till lindemann#richard kruspe#christoph schneider#doom schneider#flake lorenz#oliver riedel#paul landers#long post#reviews#milton keynes#stadium mk#rammstein 2019#the tl;dr is for the love of god front row for#puppe#sonne#and#auslander#image heavy#gif heavy#tw flashing gif#rammstein live
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