#providing emotional support when you're able to to people who are hurting is a GOOD QUALITYπ
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Iβve seen this discourse here a few days ago both from solos and larries, about how Louis supports every 1D member and they donβt support him back, how heβs too kind and he should stop with these non reciprocal friendships. I mean, we donβt really know what kind of relationship they have privately and even if it were true, Louis is a big boy and can decide for himself. But itβs definitely interestingβ¦ what are your thoughts on that? Is it genuine, it is fan service?
Personally I don't think most of the stuff they do is fan service which I think is why it appears inconsistent. I think often SM support is a question of "I happened to have downtime be online and see this post" rather than a big plan (which means that other times that won't happen) and that concert going is similarly dependent on circumstances. Like I'm not saying they don't go do things to generate hype (*cough* LTHQ at the Stone show) but I truly believe that if Louis wanted Niall to help him out by coming to his show he would say hey Niall will you help me out by coming to this show and Niall be like I would love to do that for you thank you for asking! I just don't think it's that deep idk. But also look- these anons laid out lots of places that narrative doesn't actually hold up go check it out!
Better question imo, what's up with people saying Louis is too kind and shouldn't be nice to people unless he's getting something out of it? Is this that "taking your friends to the airport is emotional labor" discourse I've been hearing about? If Louis feels like he needs to stop overextending himself by, what was it again, oh right by occasionally liking a tweet or going with his friends to a fun night out.... he can indeed make that call for himself as you say, but also wtf. And as pointed out by, again, those other anons, they clearly have more relationship than we see (which we shouldn't need clues to believe anyway because that's clearly true of most everything in their lives, that we mostly don't see it, with the possible exception of things with Zayn which I think actually are just played out publicly at this time).
#that said I actually do think it would be real nice if Niall gave LIAM and his song a little shout#considering all the press about Liam and 1D- to say hey its not true we're cool- and his struggles#but WHATEVER#so I guess I get where people are coming from on some level since things were as bleak for louis once upon a time#but man#they aren't NOW#and Niall DID go to some stuff back then#now you COULD make a strong case imo for the amount of emotional labor Louis has undoubtedly poured into his relationship with Liam#but no one is saying Liam isn't supportive of him (surely??) and the thing is#providing emotional support when you're able to to people who are hurting is a GOOD QUALITYπ#people are psychopaths istgππ#anyway he clearly manages to have boundaries around that as they also fall out of touch regularly#nouis discourse
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How they'd comfort you after you've been betrayed by your friends
(requested by anon, who's recently experienced something that would be difficult for anyone to cope with π I hope I'm able to provide you with some comfort during this rough time π)
John
when you share this news with John, he reacts with a mix of empathy and righteous indignation
he is gutted for you and vengeful, channeling his protective instincts and offering to confront the betrayers on your behalf
he recommends some of the outlets he uses to handle his anger (most of them aren't exactly healthy, but he means well)
he suggests writing a song together as a form of catharsis, spouting silly lyrics full of jabs at your "friends"
John would plan a date and take you out to the pictures to see a nice feel-good film
he records your favorite songs and some affirmations (as well as a few silly jokes) on cassette for you to listen to on particularly rough days
You know what? Screw 'em. You're too good for that kind of nonsense. You're a gem and anyone who can't see that doesn't deserve a spot in your life. It's their loss - not yours. Those so-called mates don't know what they're missing. And if you need me to kick some arse on your behalf, just say the word.
Paul
when you explain what's happened, Paul invites you to vent your frustrations over a few drinks or a cuppa
he adopts a gentle and reassuring tone, validating your emotions and reminding you of your strengths
he reassures you that what happened isn't your fault and that you've done nothing wrong
Paul would offer to arrange a small gathering or cozy night in with some friends and the other lads, complete with homemade food and lighthearted conversation
You invested a lot of trust and time in those relationships and you don't deserve to be hurt in such a way. It's beyond me how people can be so cruel, especially to someone as wonderful as you.True love, true friendship, they're built on a foundation of honesty and respect. Chin up, my dear. You're a beautiful soul with so much to offer. They're missing out on something truly special.
George
after you divulge what you've just been through, George shows you to a secluded spot - one where he often meditates - so you can vent in the privacy of nature and without feeling judged
has to tamp down his own frustration on your behalf - he knows people can be pretty unreliable, and he wants to guide you towards growth instead of resentment
he offers a reflective and philosophical perspective, telling you to have patience with yourself and set boundaries that honor your worth
he reminds you that sometimes these painful experiences can serve as catalysts for profound growth and self-discovery, and that karma has a way of taking care of things
George suggests exploring creative outlets and introduces you to some literature that will foster healing and help you take on a different perspective
Betrayal cuts deep, but it also reveals the true nature of those around us. You're not defined by the actions of others. The right people will be drawn to your radiance, and you're better off without that drama in your life. Trust that the universe has a way of aligning things in your favor and know that you're worthy of nothing less than genuine, unconditional love.
Ringo
as you vent your frustrations to Ringo, he offers a listening ear and shoulder to lean on without judgement
he provides constant reassurance and reminders of your worth and strength, making sure you know that the behavior of your "friends" says a lot more about them than it does about you
he tells you to focus on the present moment and emphasizes the importance relationship of self-care when it comes to healing
he'll lend his help with practical support such as running errands and helping with daily tasks, allowing you space to recover and take time for yourself
Ringo would suggest a spontaneous day trip or adventure to lift your spirits and create new memories
I know you've had a bit of a rough go lately, but you've got me to lean on. And I'm here to listen, to comfort, to support you in any way I can. You're strong, you're resilient, and you've got a whole lot of love to give. Rise above it - keep shining your light. Life's too short to give those pricks any more of your time. You're a treasure, love, and don't you forget it.
#the beatles#beatles#beatles x reader#beatles imagines#john lennon#john lennon x reader#john lennon imagines#paul mccartney x reader#paul mccartney imagines#paul mccartney#george harrison x reader#george harrison imagines#george harrison#ringo starr x reader#ringo starr#ringo starr imagines#richard starkey#headcanons#LMLBeatles
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((Definitely didn't rewrite this ask like 8 different times pshhhh u don't know what ur talking about-))
First things first, I'm 1000000% agreeing with your post about there not being enough platonic Spiderverse x Reader content. I am literally STARVING for platonic Spiderverse PLEASE,,,, there were only like 10 posts when I searched it up last and AO3 was so empty when I checked,,,,
Secondly, I rewatched the first Spiderverse two days ago ((& watched the new one earlier today)), but something about rewatching the original triggered some dormant part of me that has decided that Noir would be SUCH A GOOD PARENTAL / MENTOR FIGURE!!!
So, If you're cool with it, could I get some headcanons or a oneshot ((whatever you're feeling I'm starving here please-)) with him and a reader who's an older teen (like 17-19) and became Spiderman/woman/person when they were in their mid-teens (15/16)? It would probably work best with the context of the reader being a part of the events of the first movie, but in my head, reader has lived their entire life without close friends or anyone they could really talk to about their problems ((especially after they got bit)), so they closed themself off from others. Noir seems like the type that would be able to push someone like them to interact with others more, while also being entirely willing and eager to act as a support system. Maybe the oneshot/headcanon would involve reader getting hurt and Noir patching them up and letting them know that they do have other spider-people available to support them? Preferably gender-neutral but I don't mind either way! :]
((sorry but kinda not sorry for the kinda longish ask ((I did cut it down tho so hopefully it's a bit better)), rewatching Spiderverse triggered something in me that deeply desires parental! Noir so when I saw your post I immediately needed to send in an ask lol))
βYou donβt have to shut everything out, you know.β
His words confused you for a moment, until you realized it was gonna be one of those sentimental, overly-emotional, trying to break your walls down, conversations.
βI donβt know what you mean.β You said, rather nonchalantly. You winced when he tightened the bandages around your arms.
You had insisted on going off on your own, resulting in you getting your ass beat- injured.
And apparently Noir was a doctor, so you got stuck with the black and white spiderman variant.
Everyone had tried to engage with you, the pig was very persistent in getting you to crack a smile with his cheesy, cartoony jokes. Their efforts proved to be fruitless.
You lived your entire like without needing anyone, and you werenβt about to change that. It was better that way. You were safer.
βYouβre rather cut off for a kid?β It was said like a question, but you knew Noir knew it was a fact.
You acknowledged this was a huff as you cradled you injured arm.
βCould I, uh, see your hand?β Noir held out his own hand. You hesitated, looking between his hand and his masked face. You placed your hand in his.
He began to wrap your bruised hand in bandages that were provided by Mileβs universes Aunt May.
βI know being Spider-Man is hard, but itβs nice knowing there are other spiderβ¦ people.β
You stayed silent, your answers coming out in hums or little noises, never taking your eyes off of his hands. You stiffened as his fingers touched one of the bruises.
βYouβre allowed to talk, kid.β He said, looking you dead in the eye.
βI know that.β You replied, yanking your neatly bandaged hand away from him. βJust donβt see the need for it.β
Noir slightly tilted his head to the side. He hummed after hearing your answer.
βThatβs a shame, I quite like the sound of your voice.
Now he was just trying to butter you up.
βReally?β Your tone of voice proved you didnβt believe him.
βOf course. I can only imagine the type of things youβve got to say.β He leaned back in his chair in Aunt Mayβs living room. βWhatβs it like in your world? Itβs obvious all our worlds are different.β
You sighed, a bit frustrated. βLook, I swing around, fight the bad guys, get bashed for it on the news, thats my life, nothing more to it.β You pulled your knees closer to your chest as you sat in an armchair.
βWell, if you ever wanna get moreβ¦ in-depth about it, I havenβt quite lost my hearing yet.β He got up and sent two finger guns your way. It took everything in you not to let a small smile break free.
He left the room, leaving you by yourself. It was quiet and empty.
Suddenly, you didnβt like being alone.
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hi! just wondering if you could also do Jungwon's turn ons and offs?
TURN ONS / TURN OFFS OF
MAKNAE LINE βΛｑβ.π₯ έ Λπ·
HEEJAY and JAKEHOON editions!
αΆ» π π°.αβ€ n β
t e : i am a self-taught tarot reader, and the interpretations i provide are personal. if anyone would like to share their own insights, i would be more than happy to hear them! please be kind <3
SUNOO
TURN ONS
1. STEP IN! SHUSH HIM! Like literally. His turn-on is when he can be able to obey and listen to his partner when they are getting into little clashes, because sometimes he's so damn argumentative and requires so much attention when his point of view is being explained by himself, to the point he can get confused in his own words. In that moment, he would secretly crave his partner to take the lead, tell him that he's too opinionated and make him CHILL π₯Ά He would obey with the greatest joy!
2. Emotional intelligence in his partner is one of his turn-ons too. A person who understands people's feelings and how to act is a massive YES for Sunoo. How they deal with disputes or feelings of being hurt is the main one. Being emotionally intelligent is something Sunoo is proud of, and he always awaits the same honor. Listening, supporting, and talking is his key to a great relationship.Β
TURN OFFS
1. Sunoo would not stick with someone who does not take dating seriously; that would really piss him off. Like when you can't have a deep talk or the person is constantly canceling their joint plans. Everything in that moment is a mere empty promise for him. He would never choose someone like that as a significant other.
2. LIARS. "Why do you lie? Can't be your real self? You're unconfident? Just be truthful and donβt make things up for your benefit, itβs not difficult. Oh, it is? Then I'm off-limits for you. Bye." THAT'S SUNOO.
JUNGWON
TURN ONS
1. His heart always aches when his lover reveals how big of a family person they are by always spending time with their family, talking about how much they mean to them and how they raised his partner with so much love. It's clear that Jungwon grew up in such a loving environment, which is why he is the way he is today, so he wants his partner to be the same in that aspect.
2. If anyone can stand him being a silly goof AND also be goofy themselves, BOOM π₯ instant connection! He just loves people with playful (with a bit of a naughtyyyy sense, why not?) self-humour! Jungwon thinks that such people are rare nowadays. Very few people can laugh at themselves or take the mickey out ofthemselves,s so if his potential partner has that quality, then they're a keeper.
TURN OFFS
1. If they speak badly of his family or disrespect him in any way, manner, or form, my bro will run. Jungwon thinks that a person who does not rate or respect another person they call a lover will not rate or respect any other human being on this earth. He does not care how beautiful they are or what green flags they have; he will dashi RUN.
2. How someone deals with tensions is a big thing for him. If that person has tendencies to burst out and be over emotional, that thing would most certainly lead to a break-up. He wonβt put up with being gaslighted or not being heard when he's trying to soothe the situation, if the mechanism was initially working poorly then what's the point in it's existence, it just eats resources without any good result.
NI-KI
TURN ONS
1. One of his green flags that he points out in his partner is that when he feels shitty, they immediately notice that. It's as if Ni-ki would value his lover's stepping out of their comfort zone for his sake. The mere idea that they are such good people, ready to make sacrifices, turns him on in a certain way. On a casual day, he will be more than content with just an instant, out of nowhere, "I love you" that will make him feel fulfilled.Β
2. Someone who updates him while they are apart, because he tends to overthink while waiting for his boo. This is also the TOP TIER. Thatβs the energy he needs in his love life, not someone with poor text etiquette.
TURN OFFS
1. He strongly hates it when someone feels so entitled to his long purse (and trust me, it will get longer). He will never bear a person like this near him. He doesn't want to feel like he's enabling a disoriented person by placing them on a monthly allowance and salary for being what? Purely his partner? NUH-UH... He will ask himself, "Is this love or a job?"
2. I bring, I bring all the drama-ma-ma-ma π I can't say if he hates or likes this aespa banger but what's obvious is that he detests DRAMA. He already identifies himself as a mature man, he's not into this childishness anymore. If that person creates uncalled buzz around themselves, then they're a big red flag for Ni-ki. He'd tell that individual to screw off and enjoy their dramatic life in solitary, somewhere far away from him.
#enhypen#enhypen reading#enhypen tarot#kpop tarot#kpop reading#kpop#sunoo#jungwon#ni-ki#enhypen sunoo#enhypen jungwon#enhypen ni-ki#sunoo reading#sunoo tarot#jungwon tarot#jungwon reading#ni-ki reading#ni-ki tarot
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Congrats on 200 followers!!! <3 πππ« for Giorno and Fugo pls?
Thank you! :>
Link to main event
π Do they like to be vulnerable around their S/O? Or do they always try to show them their best side no matter what?
No, Giorno despises the thought of being vulnerable. Don't take this the wrong way, please, it's not that he doesn't trust you, he really really does.
He's just...Scared. He struggles a lot with abandonment issues and has a lot of attachment issues as well. This boy is convinced that if he cannot always be perfect, if he can't live up to the majestic-like aura that surrounds him...You'll leave.
He wouldn't hate you if you did, he'd just...Blame himself and believe that it's his fault if things turned out like that. Through kindness and understanding, you might be able to show him that this isn't going to happen, although it'll take time for him to show you his "weak" side too.
But it will be worth it, I promise.
~~~~~~
Fugo dislikes beings vulnerable too, although his reasons are a bit different from Giorno's. He is afraid of losing his partner for sure, but he mainly acts like this because...He doesn't exactly like himself very much.
Thus, he's convinced that if he showed you his true feelings, you'd either end up hurt, scared or weirded out by who he really is. He's not very good at hiding his worries though, and it pains you to see him walking on eggshells around you, when he doesn't need to.
He will be surprised if you were to encourage him to open up more, do you...Not like him even at his best? He won't be able not to express his true feelings for much longer though, especially after what you said, since he can get quite emotional. When that happens, stay by his side and remind him that you don't think less of him for this.
π How do they imagine their future with their S/O to be like?
Giorno often finds himself thinking about his future with you. He wants to make sure that everything is programmed and he always thinks ahead of things.
With that being said, he likes to imagine that the two of you would live outside the city, but not too far way, in a huge, elegant villa just for you.
You wouldn't be forced to work if you don't want to, since his job could easily provide for both of you, but he would always support you in any career path you might decide to take on.
He knows that he won't always be by your side, which is why, in his idealistic view, you would spend every minute he's not busy together. All he knows for sure, however, is that he wants a future where you're safe and happy.
~~~~~~~
I have a feeling Fugo would also reflect a lot on the future of your relationship. The thing is...Him, being an overtinker, probably ends up imagining all the worst case scenarios known to existence, even when perhaps he was just planning on thinking about what kind of house he'd like to live in.
However, when these...Ideas don't get in the way, I can't help but think that this boy simply dreams of spending the rest of his life with you in peace, in calmness and quietness, enjoying small things like reading a book together on a Sunday Morning, while cuddling in bed.
I have a feeling he'd prefer to retire to the countryside where there are less noises and things are a bit simpler. But most of all, he wishes for a life where his anger issues don't get in the way of your relationship, and you genuinely believe that he's a good husband.
π« Are they more reserved about their feelings or wear their hearts on their sleeves?
Giorno? Wearing his heart on his sleeves? That's one funny joke for sure.
Absolutely not. It's not that he doesn't want to show you how much he loves you, but he's been taught that showing feelings, any type, is a weakness. He may also appear a bit cold public due to living in fear of someone noticing you're a couple and using it to black mail him or, even worse, hurt you.
So, if the two of you are with other people, he may do little gestures like perhaps holding your hand or giving you a small kiss on your lips, but nothing more. In private things will be a bit better and he'll let some walls down, but still, not entirely.
H
He prefers to be smooth and court you rather than explicitly tells you how or what he's feeling. Wouldn't he be come off as too cheesy or desperate if he did? It's better to be passive, still making sure you get the message and don't feel like he doesn't love you.
~~~~~~
Ok, Fugo desperately wants you to understand how much you really mean to him, he's just...Incredibly bad and awkward at showing it he's just like me fr. He's a smart boy, but very dense when it comes to feelings and emotions, especially considering that he gets shy quite often actually.
He wants to hold eye contact with you, yet sometimes finds himself just looking away no matter what. He tries to use a pickup line or compliment you, but probably messes up the order of the words. Heck, maybe he just means to smile at you, but it somehow doesn't look genuine.
He definitely beats himself up for this and probably practises in front of the mirror for what he's going to do or say before one of your dates. He doesn't know how to "speak with his heart" but he's trying to improve as fast as he can. He's an an amateur with relationships, but he thinks that learning to express himself for you will be of great help to his inner self as well.
#jojo#jojo's bizarre adventure#vento aureo#jjba golden wind#jojo vento aureo#jjba part 5#jojo's bizzare adventure vento aureo#buccigang#jojo golden wind#giornogiovanna#jjba x y/n#jjba x you#jjba x reader#jojo's bizzare adventure x reader#jojo x y/n#jojo x you#jojo x reader#giorno x y/n#giorno x reader#giorno giovanna x reader#giorno giovanna#jojo giorno#bucci gang x reader#bucci gang headcanons#bucci gang#jjba fugo#pannacotta fugo x reader#fugo x reader#fugo pannacotta x reader#fugo pannacotta
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"I want you", and yes, it is in the way how I want anyone, at any time.
No one is special because everyone is special in their own peculiar ways.
This is what drives me to people, to most people, to virtually any person, really.
Wanting them is just one of the first steps. As time passes by and I become more knowledgeable, "wanting" gets lower and lower in the list of priorities - because only wanting, only loving someone is not enough.
"This person might not be a good fit for me actually", but I keep going because there's many factors to take into consideration. Who knows, right?
The missing piece is always, always, they wanting me back. It never really happens, huh? I guess I'm not a good fit for any of them, and that's alright.
It doesn't mean I'll be stuck with someone who doesn't want me. Life goes on and I'll keep on going, too.
Everyone wants to be special, to feel special, to be pampered and loved without putting on the work and reciprocate, huh?
So you will be just another one for me, and I'll go for you, like I go for anyone, and you're going to reject my feelings and I'll say "That's fine, thank you for letting me do this" and I'll move the fuck on, like I always do.
You don't get to be that special to me, when I'm not that special to you. This is not how any of that works for me.
You don't have to return my feelings, you don't have to feel the same either. It really is fine. I just will not wait around and massage your ego for you, I deserve better than this, you know? I take my feelings and my self seriously, and I'm not willing to play these games.
That's another point for loneliness: it is quite clear and easy to comprehend, no such games and absolutely no bullshit. It hurts but me existing on my own, where I can take care of myself and provide the support I need, is more than good enough and worth it.
I'm tired of playing these games.
There's a saying that goes something like "if your presence is not sweeter than my solitude, it's not worth my time" and this is exactly how I feel.
I put myself through constant discomfort when I'm "chasing" after people and I still try to give them the benefit of the doubt even though, very early on, I can tell that's not going to work for me. I already do the best I can by trying to disarm my defenses and lower my walls.
Just to be met, over and over, with people that are a fucking waste of time and energy for me.
I really want to scream.
I know I have to either stop looking and maybe go do something else with my life (which is precisely what I'm working currently in therapy) or I need to bite the bullet and just do everything I can think of, go everywhere I could go and use all kinds of tools I can use so I'll be exposed to as many people as possible.
This is really driving me insane. There's nothing I can do on my own to soothe loneliness - and emotional loneliness at that: the type that regards family and intimate relationships. It doesn't really matter if I have a million friends and a very strong support system, I'll feel deeply lonely, suicidal and like I don't have the support I need, because these deep needs of mine are not being fulfilled.
I asked myself if that is really a need, I still ask this myself very often. I don't need a romantic partner to survive, no one really does.
Then why is this causing me so much fucking distress?
I have done everything: pets, plants, yoga, volunteering, becoming a regular somewhere, learning something new, having different hobbies, being outdoors, good sleep, good diet, and fuck, all the self-improvement and self-esteem stuff I managed to finally achieve too, I could go on and on about all the things I do to improve my life and keep myself happy.
None of those things help me feel less lonely.
None of those things decrease this suffering.
So, maybe, it is a need for me. One that I can live without. Now it's just a matter of being able to learn how to live with the pain it causes me, huh?
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Ok I've been thinking about this for Days now
It's so funny, the way both nazuna and I know how important it is to love someone right
It's so funny how we both know how it feels to be told and/or tell ourselves that we are loved, but we both know how well it hurts us, to be raised without the emotional support that we need.
His parents weren't there. His dad, like mine funnily enough, wasn't physically there for most of the time. (Got up early and came home later for dinner since he worked so much) his mom didn't really compensate for that, else he would've probably mentioned somewhere how she meant a lot to him (she does not, he only mentions what I can presume to be his mom's expectation to be cute, shared among the community probably) nobody filled that gap, while he likely lived a comfortable life, his parents weren't special to him. Of course he knows people have it worse, not enough to live comfortably. But he rarely mentions his parents- in fact, he mentions his religion more than his parents- and that says something about their lack of presence in his life- probably enough to stop him from forming a grudge but not enough to be special to him. And then we all know how the thing with shu went, but this whole topic deserves an essay
Anyways, like him, just sharing to make a point, my parents aren't that special to me, in the sense that I don't have much of an emotional attachment to them. My dad traveled 5/7 days of most weeks for years, only now its weird because sometimes he'll be home for weeks straight and it's so weird. But my mom just doesn't know how to make an emotional connection to me. I get she takes care of my health, takes me to places I need to be, buys me things I need.
But what's in common is that both our parents never got to know us, despite being both only children. And this wasn't meant to be a rant, but a really interesting comparison and perhaps I'm sort of numb to it all
Though where we differ, despite having suffered the same unfortunate situation, is like how we handled it... nazuna chose to explore his inside, who he is, and he's still doing that today. In his search for himself, he met a lot of people to help him realize about himself to build a connection with people he wants to build.
And for me, I look outside- what can I achieve, how can I look for other people to approach me. How can I be cool and successful, so that it's good for everyone to build a meaningful relationship.
It's so starkly different when you look it like that, and of course we both do what the other does (nazuna still looks to achieve and help others, and I still look to discover my relationship with myself)
And it's so interesting that how both he and I understand the effects of doing so, why we're so scared to change without notice, yet why we know we have to grow and that it's so important to know that between us
Sorry for the more deep thoughts I'll be return with silly thoughts soon
some people don't understand the impact emotional neglect can have on a child; just because you provide your child with the physical things they need to take care of themselves, doesn't mean you're giving your kid everything they need. i'm actually super passionate about this sort of thing, as well, but only by extension of my mom and how she was brought up with my grandma (only mentioning it to let you know i can understand 100% where you're coming from, to both you and nazuna).
for you and nazuna, don't you think you two just complete each other in ways you can only fulfill for each other? you understand each other, and nazuna can offer you advice you don't often turn toβand vice-versa, you do that for him!
sometimes nazuna gets wrapped up in the heat of the moment, and loses himself; and who better to remind him once more of who he is than his beloved? the person who's always watching him and others?
and what about you? you got along really well with that person, he seen how you were able to steadily open up, and you should keep doing that. trust in that person, slowly; be yourself one step at a time. and it's okay to fumble, to revert back and hide when you're scaredβyou came out of your comfort zone, he'll tell you, isn't that something alone to be celebrated?
#asks#and i'm sorry i took so long to answer this! it deserved my full attention and i wanted to give my whole energy!#you can always come to me with deep OR silly thoughts; what else am i here for? β‘#nazuqi#nazuqi my beloveds
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I want to share about the difference between someone showing they truly care about you when you're suicidal and someone just trying to keep you alive because it benefits them. I always thought that everyone just responded with vague care because they didn't really know how to respond.
Someone trying to keep you alive but not truly caring emotionally:
- Do I need to search your room for <dangerous things>?
- Are you going to actually do anything?
- Have you done anything to hurt yourself recently?
Someone who really connects and cares emotionally:
- May check in with the above comment style occasionally in addition to the below
- If physically present, will respond to suicidal ideation comments in a way that shows they WILL stop you if your suicidal brain takes over
- If over messaging, will check in to find out if they can help and if you know why you're suicidal
- Will offer comfort for suicidal feelings as much as they can
I think some of the difference is if someone has been suicidal themself before, but it's so fucking common for someone to have experienced suicidal thoughts that it's unlikely that they wouldn't know how it feels. However, a new friend of ours actually has no major mental health issues somehow and doesn't get suicidal despite major stress, and they actually respond with emotionally connective responses as well.
If you happen to be browsing the suicidal and trauma tags this is posted in and happen to not know how to respond to it like this, it would be great to know if some lack of emotional connection isn't the major part of how people respond like this. I know I'm totally shit at responding to people who are suicidal that I don't connect with emotionally (and due to my mental illness from trauma, it's very common that I don't make that connection).
But, the second aspect of responding is super helpful, at least for validating how someone feels as an emotion that isn't Evil and Wrong, but rather just another emotion that will pass and can be supported getting through it.
The only reason I'm still alive is because of friends online providing that second form of support during some really tough times.
I didn't realise how bad my suicidal thoughts were until visiting one of my partners for the first time. We were at a subway station and I mentioned that it's good I wasn't suicidal (The tracks had no guard rails at all). My partner immediately stepped between the subway tracks and me. I hadn't even realised that it was actually a feeling that people felt mattered. I actually was able to keep them between the tracks and us and that made our brain stop sending those thoughts.
No one has physically shown in reaction that they want to protect me from my brain like that before. My primary female caregiver at the time was the closest to it, and she just asked if I needed to go to the hospital.
(I/We/us/me interchangable as we are a system)
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Jeff GeschwindΒ Helpful And Comforting Cancer Advice For Cancer Patients
Jeff Geschwind Expert tips provider. Although the exact cause of many types of cancers remains unknown, it is known that cancer develops due to a genetic alteration that allows these cells to grow independently and uncontrollably. Cellular mutations are believed to occur regularly but the immune system normally captures and destroys abnormal cells. Therefore, the growth of cancer may be caused by a deficiency of the immune system.
You need to follow a workout regimen if you have been diagnosed with cancer. It is important to keep your body as strong as possible, so that it can hold up against the treatments that it is going to have to go through. Simply walking around your block a few times, can be a great start to living a healthier lifestyle.
Although it sounds like a pointless tip, one of the best things you can do with cancer is to keep your spirits up. Being in low spirits and not being able to motivate yourself to get healthy is just one way that cancer can spread and dominate your life. There's always a possibility of getting better, even in dire cases.
You should always receive regular check-ups with your doctor, at a clinic, or with any medical professional. Cancer is something that has been known to spread rapidly, but any doctor should be able to catch a tumor as it begins to grow. This is when cancer is at its slowest and is thus the most possible to get rid of.
If you quit smoking, it lowers your chances of getting lung cancer, but it also protects you against colon cancer. The smoke you inhale brings carcinogens into your lungs, and from there, they flow throughout your body. If you have any polyps in your colon, the tobacco will increase their size. These are some of the other reasons why quitting smoking is so important.
Simple moral support can help someone with cancer is indescribable ways. Something like a simple "I love you" said to someone can have a lasting positive effect that helps people to heal and grow. Emotions play a big role in the fight against cancer, and reminding someone of your love for them is good for everyone involved.
Jeff Geschwind Skilled tips provider. People with cancer need complete honesty from you, so do not hide anything from them just because you feel it may hurt them or hurt your relationship with them. Whether it's something the doctor said or a secret you've been sitting on for another reason now is the time for full disclosure.
Many, many people have gone through cancer, even as survivors themselves or through someone they love. So you can find plenty of moral support via live groups, online chat rooms and forums, and other areas. You can even start a group and speak with people who are going through the same thing you are.
You can increase your chance of developing cancer when you drink sugary drinks, such as soda. The excessive sugar and calorie content of these drinks can contribute to weight gain, and being overweight increases the risk of certain types of cancer.
Heart-healthy diets always suggest limiting the ingestion of red meat, and it should be the same for cancer-preventing diets. Always make sure you're not eating more than 11 ounces of red meat per week. The fat and cholesterol within red meat can increase your odds of contracting cancer, so take it easy on the meat.
If you have cancer, you will need help from many people. You should embrace them as part of your healing process. Examples include chemo technicians, oncology nurses, oncologists and anyone else who can relate to your experience and provide support. You need their help in order to beat cancer, so embrace their care with gratitude.
The odds are great that your hair is going to fall out when you undergo chemotherapy, so you can initiate this process instead of being a victim to it. Shave your head in advance and you will reclaim the power here. You can make the choice instead of allowing chemo to make it for you.
Jeff Geschwind Top service provider. There is no conceivable reason that you have to live with unbearable pain as a cancer sufferer, so make sure that you are getting the right pain medication. There are dozens of pain meds out there, and if the one you're taking isn't working well, make sure you tell your doctor that you need something different.
Make sure that at least one person around you understands that they have to act as your proxy for calling the doctor and other things if you are unable. Having cancer means that some days you're going to be too weak to do what you need to do, so someone else has to take over this responsibility to help.
Have at least one person around you to act as your proxy for calling the doctor if you're unable to. Having cancer means that some days you will be too weak to do what you need, so you will need someone else to help you with these responsibilities.
Know the signs and symptoms of lung cancer, and those that aren't so easy to see. Lung cancer is such a fatal disease, due to the fact that signs and symptoms often mask themselves as other conditions until the disease has spread throughout the lungs and caused greater damage.
If you are taking medication for cancer, it is important to always eat three meals a day. Even if you are not feeling very well, try to eat a little something. When your stomach is empty, you are more likely to experience nausea and other symptoms from your treatment. Foods like rice, bread, potatoes and fruits are all good food choices.
Jeff Geschwind Proficient tips provider. Certain chemicals, known as carcinogens, can sometimes be involved in the development of cancer. Asbestos is a well known carcinogen that has been linked to lung cancer. Some lifestyle factors also affect the development and growth of cancer. Riskier behaviors that can be changed to decrease the chance of getting cancer include smoking, alcohol use, diet and sexual behavior.
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I wanna know your opinion about yandere platonic agent 47
Platonic Yandere Agent 47 headcanons
Would protect you from anything- literally nothing will be able to harm you as long as he's there.
You don't even know when he's there half of the time. When he finally introduces himself, yknow, when you're somehow involved in a shootout, and he saves you and tells you that he's your... guardian angel. You laugh, thinking he's joking. But then baldy here is dragging you away to some "safe house", saying that its the only place you'll be safe. You try to pull away, try to run, and he warns you not to do it again, but you do and he knocks you out.
When you wake up again, you're lying in a soft bed and he's sitting in the corner of the room, watching you freak out. Your wrist and ankle are attached to the bed post with padded cuffs.
He's not good at providing emotional support, so when you begin to freak out, he just stares. When you ask him why you're here, he doesn't reply at first, which leads you to freak out even more as you think the worst. He quickly realises this and just tells you "I don't know why, but... you look like you need someone to keep you safe."
Of course, you call bullshit and begin screaming, and he thinks its better to give you a sedative. He sedates you a lot in the start, because like I said, he doesn't know how to talk to you, especially when you're screaming your head off.
But with time, you both learn to adapt. You come to see that while he has his... issues, he hasn't ever really hurt you.
You're not allowed to leave the safe house, but he does provide you with food and entertainment to keep you preoccupied while he's away on missions. With him, you guys often watch movies together, and if you've been a good captive, he'll even teach you school stuff. He likes to teach you different languages a lot, and he also gets you a lot of books.
He's also learned a thing or two about feelings too. With time, he has come to realise that he sees you as a little sister, and he's also learned to provide you some emotional support (yeah, he went on internet) and he usually gives you awkward cuddles or head pats, which make you laugh at his abnormal behaviour, but it works nonetheless.
With the books he gets you, he likes to listen and discuss them with you. And if there are any psychological viewpoints, you sometimes make him question his morals and principals, so he tends not to get you those kinds of books.
Idk much about him, but he looks like he knows how to cook extremely well. Like you'll be fed fed, gourmet dining.
Honestly, he doesn't even need to be alive. Even after he's dead, he's got you so well protected, either by hiring or manipulating people (who he has got a lot of stuff against).
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Love Isn't Beautiful But With You It Was
β° summary: y/n and niki's journey from being enemies to friends to much more than that.
β° pairing: Niki x fem!reader (and a Jay apperance)
β° genre: fluff, angst, enemies to childhood friends to lovers
β° warning: a few sad scenes but I'm not sure they'll be too bad! death
β° word count: 1.8k (the most so far tbh)
a/n: this is my first fanfic so please leave comments about what should be improved. if you have any requests feel free to leave them! it's past 12am now and I need to sleep but I hope you have a nice day!
prompt gotten from @moonlight-chi77 thank you!
βLove isnβt beautiful but with you it wasβ
Life disappears in the blink of an eye, but the memories created and the human connection formed does not. The memories created are embedded in our hearts and follow us through different paths of life. Whether those memories are good or bad, they become something we reflect on in later moments.
Nishimura Riki couldnβt exactly remember the first time he met you but all he knew was that he had never hit off with someone the way he did with you.
September 2012
Although Niki couldn't pinpoint the exact date you guys started talking, he knew it was in September of 2012. He knew at first he disliked you and wanted nothing to do with you because you had stolen his spot on the swings.
βThat's my spot, I told Jay I was going to stay here forever,β he said while his friend who was behind him nodded enthusiastically, backing him up.
βYour name is not on it and you didnβt buy it so why should I leave?β you asked him without coming down because you got there fair and square.
βI called dibs on it,β he said while puffing out his chest.
βDibs are for babies,β you say while continuing to swing. βIβm not a baby,β he retorts.
βIf you say so, then why are you wearing a Talking Tom T-Shirt?β you ask and his face begins to turn red. βIt's cool, isn't it Jay?β he nudges his friend asking him for support. βCool man, girls just suckβ Jay responds and they both leave. βAt least I dress myself!β you yell at their retreating figures
After that day, Niki made it his mission to disturb you every day and never wore his Talking Tom shirt again after that day.
August 2016
βNiki!!β you screamed as you felt another water balloon hit your leg. At this point, your entire body was soaked. The young boy continued to laugh and run as you chased him. You were beginning to regret spending your summer break with him when you could be watching TV instead. Eventually, you give up chasing the blond-haired boy and go into the house to dry off. Thirty minutes later, Niki comes in with a bottle of orange juice as a form of apology. You snatch it without further thought and drink it. Looking up at him after you finish drinking it, you both burst into a fit of laughter. βYouβre lucky I love food,β you say. Maybe spending the summer with him wouldn't be so bad.
December 2018
Your crush on Niki was painfully obvious to everyone but him. Your friends teased you, his friends teased you yet when you were together you denied it with so much vigour. Niki had liked you for a few months now. Everyone was enjoying the slow burn that was going on between the two of you; the soft glances across the room, the way you always looked for each other among crowds, the way he knew where your secret birthmark was even though your close friends didnβt.
It was the way you complimented each other that made everyone cringe and aw at the same time. The jacket you got him for his birthday was his most prized piece of clothing and the only person he let touch it was his mum. This year though, you gathered enough courage and told him how he meant to you and how you were content with being just friends even if it hurt a little. But you werenβt expecting Niki to say he felt the same way, even more so. Your friends heaved a sigh of relief and choruses of βFinallyβ were echoed.
It felt good being with someone.
January 2019
Everyone argued with people they loved right? Your parents did, the old lady that sells fruit and her boyfriend did so you and Niki werenβt an exception. After being childhood friends for so long youβd think you could trust each other enough to talk about the things that bothered you but he refused to, claiming that he didnβt want you to see him in a different light and how it would hurt his pride. You would tell him that no one knew him more and cared about him the way you did. At times, youβd let it go not wanting to push him but that day you couldnβt take it.
βWe need to talk. Why have you been avoiding me these past few days?β you asked him.
βIβve just been busyβ he replied.
βNo, youβve been avoiding me. I know you well enough to know when you're hiding somethingβ you said.
He wouldn't budge, he never did especially when you cornered him like this. He started to get irritated and said, βI said Iβve been busy so forgive me if I canβt give you attention all the time. Not all of us are as clingy as youβ You winced; it was your fault for pushing him to the edge like that. Nevertheless, you wouldn't give up. β I just want you to say how you feel and what bothers you. Iβd never look at you in a different light and you know that. You might want to be strong but itβs okay to show some sort of emotion, it doesnβt make you weak rather it makes you look like someone that acknowledges what is wrong and doesnβt try to ignore the problem or solve it on their ownβ you comforted him. As the words entered his ears, you could see the walls surrounding his heart crumbling. βItβs okay to ask for help or just to rant to someone. Even if we wonβt be able to provide an immediate solution, it should helpβ you added taking a few steps forward and grabbing a hold of his hands. You squeezed them tightly.
βI...Iβm just scared youβll leave once you see the not so perfect side of meβ he managed to say. βI will stay with you, why donβt we make the best of everything without worrying about the future?β you asked while smiling. He returned it and pulled you in for a hug. βThank you, truly,β he said and you smiled under his embrace.
After a few minutes you spoke up, βOh yeah, Niki?β you called his attention and he hummed in response. βDonβt ever shout at me like that again, I can deck you and you know itβ you said.
βGot it, boss. Sorry for being a jerkβ
June 2020
You usually went on diets and exercised a lot but you were losing weight at an extreme rate and you werenβt even on a diet. Niki was worried but you brushed it off telling him it was stress from school but it got worse. You found it difficult for you to balance yourself, you felt nauseated, getting even more frequent headaches and being tired all the time so Niki decided that enough was enough and took you to the hospital. Neither of you had expected the result of the scans that were run.
βIβm sorry but there is a tumour in your brain,β the doctor said. The air left your lungs. βYou can choose to get the surgery and live in the hospital for 8 months or live with the tumour for 3 monthsβ he continued. You thanked him and left the hospital. The elephant in the room was very much alive and neither one of you wanted to address it. Did you want to stay in the hospital for the rest of your life or did you want to say with your loved ones? You thought that they would go through and that wonβt be worth it.
βNikiβ you called out.
He looked at you with a sad smile and just pulled you in for a hug, careful not to hurt you. βDo you want to tell your parents?β You nodded. You couldnβt just leave without saying anything. Picking your jacket, Niki drove you to your parents house.
βI just wanted you guys to know, I couldnβt just leave without saying anything,β you said with your eyes cast downwards. You couldnβt bear to look at your mom who was already crying or your dad who was blaming himself even when it wasnβt his fault or your sister who was basically your best friend. Niki had given you guys privacy but you knew it was just an excuse for him to be with his own feelings.
βIβm going to stay close to home in the meantime so I can be closer to you guys,β you said. Your eyes were already becoming glossy with tears. You inched towards your mom, taking her hand in yours and said, βYou did an amazing job of being my mom and I love you so muchβ. Moving to your dad, you said βYou did a good job of protecting me so donβt think otherwise. Letβs make all the memories we want to now without any regretsβ. At that, your sister burst into tears βIβ¦ I canβt bear to lose youβ Your heart clenched. βI canβt bear to lose you tooβ She continued crying. Your mom wiped her eyes and said, βFrom today, live the way you want to. Eat what you want and do what you want.β From the corner of my eye, I saw Niki staring watching the whole scene. After an hour, I stood up and went home with Niki. The car ride was a long and awkward one. When we got home, we just slept hugging each other.
Starting tomorrow I was going to live.
July 2020
The pain is getting worse but the smiles on my family and friends faces are enough to keep me going. I wrote letters and got gifts for them. Niki looks at the calendar every day, I canβt tell him to stop because I can tell heβs hurting so much. Why canβt I just be okay for everyone?
August 2020
The time comes faster, Niki and I went on a getaway for a few days. He deserved a break from everything that has been going on.
September 2020
I never thought I'd die as silly as that sounds. I asked my parents and sister to leave when I got to the hospital. Niki refused to leave and stayed there till I took in my last breath. He kept crying begging me not to go and how heβd do anything.
βDoes it hurt a lot?β he asked between sniffles
βNo it doesnβt, it just feels like a needleβ it hurt like a truck.
βLiarβ
I chuckled and held his hand till I couldnβt anymore. βI love youββ I say as the lights fade.
ββ*.Β·:Β·.β§ β¦ β§.Β·:Β·.*ββ
Dear Nishimura Riki,
When you see this, it means Iβm already gone. First of all, donβt beat yourself up too much. I could write for ages about how much I love you but now that I need to, my mind goes blank. Youβve done so well for putting up with me, hats off to you. You might not want to but move on, even though id like you to remember me; let your heart heal and be happy.
Take care of yourself and donβt skip any meals. Eat well and be happy, make sure you visit the places we never got to visit and enjoy yourself. Live life the way you want it every day. Be nice to people and smile more.
Thank you for all the happy memories, my love, Iβll be forever grateful for you. You made my life colourful and worth living.
Love isnβt beautiful but with you it was.
Yours truly,
Y/N.
#enhypen#enhypen angst#enhypen x reader#enhypen scenarios#enhypen imagines#character death#enhypen fluff
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Tenko's tears; Touya's wounded inner child
As I've mentioned before, crying serves various purposes, two of which include emotional regulation and forming social connections. Tears signal "I'm sad and I need help" and usually elicit concern from others. But, for Touya and Tenko, tears didn't fulfill these needs. When Tenko cried, the adults around him tried to distract him from his pain or change how he responded to his abuse instead of defending him or confronting his father Kotaro. They meant well, but in the end it didn't help Tenko and he felt alone. No one validated his pain; he was seen, but he wasn't helped. The same thing happened to Touya, who was seen crying, and crying, and crying, but his parents refused to acknowledge the root cause of his pain because it would mean facing their own mistakes. His tears, his cries for help, never got him the help he needed and never made him feel better.
Even as adults, Dabi and Shigaraki weren't listened to because they didn't display socially acceptable feelings such as sorrow or regret, and they weren't dealing with their trauma in a socially acceptable way, like crying. Shigaraki told Endeavor, in front of Deku and Bakugo, that heroes only hurt their families, but it wasn't until Deku saw a glimpse of Tenko that Deku decided Shigaraki was worth saving because little Tenkoβs tears humanized him and made him relatable.
While this is a turning point in the manga, the way it came about insinuates that certain unspoken conditions exist that need to be filled before victimhood can be validated or someone is deemed worthy of help. Not everyone is equal, and not everyone's pain will be good enough in hero society. This warrants the questions the League of Villains keep asking: who are heroes here to save? Who is it that needs saving? Where do you draw the line? Are villains not people too?
This new plot point of Deku being moved by Tenkoβs tears also brings into light how isolating and demonizing it is for Dabi not being physically able to cry. He compensates for this β because remember, crying regulates your emotions, and if you canβt cry you turn to other coping mechanisms for self-soothing β by telling himself and others that he doesnβt care about anything or anyone. He copes with his emotions by smiling and grinning, by not getting too attached. He takes an offensive approach through keeping a distance from people by insulting them and being rude. However, his quirkβs link to his emotions betrays him and exposes his true feelings: his flames became hotter after Twice died and his flames turned white while confronting Endeavor. Dabi, despite everything, still cares and feels deeply.
So, how is Dabi supposed to be seen and understood and saved if he canβt prove that he has feelings if he can't cry? Why would he even want to cry, since crying never helped him? All Touya did from the age of four was cry for help, literally, and yet he was ignored and neglected. It wasn't Shigaraki's words that moved Deku, it was the unintended display of emotion through crying, which is something Dabi can't do even if he wanted because his tear ducts are burnt as a result of being so heartbroken over his father not showing up to Sekoto Peak. The irony is ugly and upsetting to witness β overwhelming feelings of abandonment and worthlessness almost killed Dabi ten years ago and now, when the story implies he desperately needs to cry to be seen, he can't, and therefore he's still alone and will continue to be alone.
But wait β he cries tears of blood, doesnβt he?
I think that if heβs caught in a vulnerable place, if the right people (Natsuo) meet him or if he is finally validated and seen and understood (Shouto), those tears of blood would come out and heβd finally be eligible (as gross as that sounds) for salvation, for understanding, for sympathy like Shigaraki. Feelings serve as evidence to society that villains are human too, and Dabi must first be considered a human. It seems that salvation, like the attention Touya received from his father, is conditional. Touya's wounded inner child and status as an abuse survivor will be the ticket to his redemption IF he can be vulnerable and express his pain physically to the younger generation of heroes, because talking about his past hasn't helped and won't help. Even now, as noted in 304, people still weren't sure why he became a villain even though he literally explained why in his pre-recorded broadcast. Dabi, or his inner child, has to show evidence he is still emotionally suffering because his words won't suffice for society or heroes. Honestly, this framing is personally distressing and frustrating because it pushes a bad victim vs good victim mentality, especially in light of Rei commenting that Shouto, who she burnt and forgave her nonetheless, is their family's hero.
Don't get me wrong. Shouto has done nothing wrong to warrant this suffering, and I think it's great that Deku is determined to save everyone within his reach. This makes sense as his role as protagonist. With that said, it's unsettling to me how drastically different he's reacting to Shigaraki compared to how he responded to Dabi by comparing him to Endeavor and implying Dabi is worse for not trying to be better. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I know Deku intervened because he was worried about Shouto, and that Deku is 16 and young. My point is that the narrative and the writing is setting up a problematic view of victims by having the main character nitpick who deserves to be saved based on this societal construct that people must first qualify or prove themselves. Shigaraki shouldn't have had to show his trauma receipts or be relatable for Deku to want to save him. Shigaraki didnβt even expose his inner child on purpose β Deku caught a glimpse of that without Shigarakiβs intention.
Let me say this another way. Imagine if you had to present yourself as sympathetic to a firefighter, an ambulance worker, or a doctor before receiving their help. It would be unprofessional and highly unethical for these professionals to turn you down because you don't fit the image of someone who needs help, someone who's not "sick" enough, whose house isn't burning hot enough, whose injuries aren't "bad" enough. So why do heroes, as a group of public servants, have these unwritten rules and preconceived notions about what a victim looks like? I understand that people are more likely to provide services if you're nice to them (you catch more flies with honey, etc) and that everyone has biases etc, but this isn't a core value of the helping professions or public servants. It's unethical to discriminate and assign varying levels of care based on how someone treats you or others around them. People in need are people in need, and that's that.
As of now, it seems like the manga is on route to support the League's complaints by supplying evidence that their disillusionment with society isn't unfounded - even Twice, who died crying at the hands of a hero part of the older generation, was not considered a person before he was considered a villain. But maybe if he had come across a hero from the younger generation, someone who recognized his tears as human despite his criminal record, he wouldn't have met the fate he did. It seems that the older generation of heroes don't take tears or emotions into account, which is why Tenko and Touya were shrugged off. But the younger generation will go out of their way to help anyone who needs help, but only if they prove themselves or make themselves sympathetic.
#bnha#dabi#touya todoroki#shigaraki tomura#tenko shimura#my meta#Bnha 305#Bnha 306#Bnha spoilers#Twice#jin bubaigawara#My meta#Green lad
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Float Like A Butterfly... Chapter 5: So Last Season
Summary: Now that Adrien is no longer Chat Noir he doesn't have to get hit all the time. Unfortunately, his luck doesn't seem to have gotten the memo... Or has it?
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"So, how're you holding up?"
"Please, Adrien, it's my mother! I'm positively ecstatic!"
"Exactly. It's your mother."
Chloe looked down for a second before her eyes snapped back up, any doubts she had hidden in an instant. "She's finally coming back! I'll finally be able to show her what she's been missing." Chloe tossed her ponytail back to emphasize the unspokenΒ Me.Β "Now, I've gotta go. Sabrina insisted we do an 'emotional support routine' or whatever beforehand. Ciao!"
Sighing, Adrien stared at his phone for a moment before putting it down. He knew Chloe was grateful for Sabrina's help but it was still a struggle getting her to admit it.
Or getting her to admit how much Audrey had hurt her.
It was one thing to travel halfway around the world for your career and leave your daughter behind. It was something else entirely to completely ignore her. In all the years since Audrey left Chloe hadn't received a single birthday gift, phone call or text message. Adrien would know. Chloe would've bragged about it endlessly if her mother had taken so much asΒ two secondsΒ to acknowledged her existence-
Adrien's foot jerked, striking the vanity table and making the connected mirror tremble. Heart suddenly pounding against his chest as tension built up in his forehead. Distressed expression reflecting back at him.
Breathe, Adrien. Breathe.
Slowly, he inhaled.
Then exhaled.
Again.
Good.
He was okay.
Adrien was okay.
Guilt pricked like a thorn for thinking of his own problems when Chloe needed him. Adrien crushed it with his anger and annoyance but it was still there. Like a splinter that wouldn't come out.
I hate you.
Swiping out of the video chat Adrien tapped on Nino's number. It rang... and rang... and rang...
He's annoyed with me. I did something wrong again and Nino doesn't want to-
Adrien smacked both sides of his face.Β No, dummy! Nino's just busy or something. Stop that!
It wasn't every day a teenage DJ provided the music for Paris Fashion Week, after all. Nino had to make sure all his equipment was working properly.
The door to his dressing room burst open.
"Adrien, your friend Mlle. Dupain-Cheng will be bringing the last article of the new Gabriel line," Nathalie announced. "Your father expects everything to be perfect for Audrey Bourgeois."
"Doesn't he always?" Adrien deadpanned.
Nathalie stared at his watery eyes before typing something into her tablet. "Your performance on catwalks only has a 99% success rate. He expects you'll do better."
Father thinks you're a failure just like everyone else. He-
Shut up!Β Adrien felt something heavy settle in his chest.
One of the makeup artists came rushing in and Nathalie gestured her towards Adrien. "Touch up his eyes," she instructed and then left.
Jaw clenching, Adrien sat perfectly still as the makeup artist did her job. He was never entirely sure what the staff thought about him. 'Professional' was a word that was tossed around a lot. That used to fill him with a little pride... Before all of this.
The last person to suggest that a thirteen year old mourning his mother wasn't 'professional' so much as he was 'depressed' had never come back to work... Oh. Adrien had forgotten about that.
Finishing quickly, the makeup artist left too. Leaving Adrien with his thoughts. He didn't want to be with his thoughts at the moment. They were distracting and Nathalie had not been subtle.
I hate-
His phone vibrated as it received someone's text.
Ni-Non: hey dude!
Ni-Non: it's crazy over here man
Ni-Non: break a leg! ;)
Adrien smiled as his unpleasant mood faded to the back of his mind... And if he saw similarities between his family and Chloe's, well, that's why he could empathize with her.
Adrien: That's theater but I guess there's not much difference.
Adrien: Thanks. ^_^
Β ---------------
There was a knock at his door. Adrien stopped fidgeting in the awkward suit to go answer it.
"Hello, Marinette." Adrien smiled in greeting.
"Oh, uh, hello!" Marinette gave a small wave as she stepped up the short stairs and-
Adrien braced himself with one foot while his hands went to her shoulders. Steadying Marinette as she quickly removed her weight from him.
"Oh! Uh, sorry." Marinette looked away in embarrassment at having tripped into him.
"... No worries!" Adrien smiled as he shook his head. Marinette seemed... subdued. Reaching down to pick up the hat that had fallen. "Oh, no." The artificial feather Marinette made for his allergies had come loose. "I hope it's not too hard to fix it."
Marinette looked down. "Uh, y'know, it doesn't really matter. This hat is a complete failure anyway."
"What? No, it's not!" Adrien rose to his feet quickly in shock. "Why would you say that?"
"Because... the queen of fashion, Audrey Bourgeois, saw it andΒ hatedΒ it!" Marinette's hands covered her face, voice breaking. "I'm sorry, Adrien. I really messed up. I'm a total no talent!" Her arms wrapped around herself in a hug. "Please, don't put it on," she pleaded.
Adrien's heart went out to Marinette as she laid her insecurities bare. "Marinette, everything's going to be fine." He searched for the proper spot to reattach the feather,Β fiddling with it as Adrien reassured her. "Your hat looks great. I think it's awesome and so does... my father." Adrien cleared his throat as he managed to fix her hat. "Otherwise he wouldn't have picked it for me. Look!"
Putting Marinette's hat on Adrien walked across the dressing room like he was already performing. Striking a few poses to ease Marinette's anxiety. "See?"
It seemed to work as Marinette gave a small smile. "You got that catwalk down," she complimented.
Adrien rubbed the back of his neck. "Really? Thank you."
"Ah-hem," Nathalie cleared her throat. "We have to go." Without waiting for Marinette she turned on her heel and started walking towards the viewing area.
Adrien rolled his eyes but smiled at Marinette's back as she hurried to catch up. Turning back to look at himself in the mirror Adrien scanned his outfit. The suit may have been generic and a few seams too close to last year's entry but Marinette's hat was fire.
"Okay!" Adrien was gonna go out there and make sure they recognized Marinette's talent!
---------------
Holding Marinette's hat to his chest Adrien stuck his head out in a decidedly 'unprofessional' manner. Spotting Marinette's family and a bunch of his friends in the first row. Adrien's blond head caught Nino's eye from across the catwalk and he gave him a thumbs up.
Adrien waved as he ducked back behind the corner before the photographers could take any pictures of the Agreste heir acting like a kid.
You got this, Adrien. Nino's DJ-ing, your classmates came -even though most of them don't care about fashion- with any luck Alix and Kim will tease you about it for the next month.
That would give Adrien the opportunity to dish out a bunch of jokes he never got the chance to use!
The music started; that was his cue.
You got this!
Adrien posed on the runway. Camera flashes already starting. Strutting down the catwalk Adrien smirked at Marinette.Β See?Β Stopping at the platform's end he posed in various angles for the photographers. Nino seemed to be enjoying himself too and that made Adrien's smile come much more naturally.
A small eruption boomed behind him and Adrien turned to see Hawkmoth's latest fashion disaster. Gasping, as his heart started hammering in his chest.
"A fashion show without the Queen of Style!? Glitter-ally unacceptable!" The akuma villain announced. "Where's that ungrateful Gabriel Agreste. I demand that he kneels before me!"
Ugh, what has he done now?
"My father isn't here," Adrien snapped in annoyance. Hearing people running for the exits.
"Well, then. If fashion disaster daddy isn't here I'll just have to settle for Agreste Junior! You're fired!"
Adrien's eyes widened as he stepped back. Golden glitter exploding everywhere as his body became numb and his senses dark-
-Glowing ladybugs swirled around him as Adrien had the disorienting feeling of layingΒ down when he could've sworn he'd been standing. Glancing around, Adrien realized he was now at the Eiffel Tower.
"Adrik- Adrien!" Chloe tackled him as he stood, throwing her arms around him. "I was so scared!"
Adrien blinked in surprise as Chloe set her head on his shoulder. Not letting him go... Adrien smiled as he hugged her back. Enjoying this genuine display of affection.
"Pound it!"
Head snapping towards the sound Adrien saw another Black Cat, this one a girl with long, reddish hair, fist bump Ladybug. They grinned at each other in post battle relief.
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
A chill to rival Frozer's ice covered Adrien from head to toe. It was one thing to see Ladybug working with a different Black Cat on the news. Quite another to have his replacement. Three. Frickin. Meters. In front of him!
Chloe didn't notice... Or rather Adrien didn't notice when she'd let go to help her mother. Who tried to fire her own daughter as thanks.
Adrien jerked his eyes away from the superhero duo-
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
-Away from the Miraculous holders and forced himself to listen to whatever the Bourgeois were saying. Ears ringing as Ladybug and the Black Cat talked about something behind him...
"Oh, mom. If only you knew what a great team we made!" Chloe trailed after her mother as they walked down the tower's stairs; attempting to capture her attention. "We fired a bunch of incompetents. It was awesome. We should really spend more time together! What if I went back to New York with you?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Casserole- Eh, Chloe!" Audrey dismissed. "First I have to get back to Gabriel Agreste's fashion show. And they better..."
Adrien's eyes narrowed as he looked down from the railing, his grip on it tightening. Heat from a growing indignation melting the ice he felt.Β What did she just call Chloe?
"Adrien Agreste, right? I can give you a lift back if you want."
His tensed body jerked in surprise as Adrien realized Ladybug was standing right behind him. Throat and chest constricting as his thoughts whirled. Spots darkened his vision as he felt lightheaded. Adrien's knuckles becoming white, the metal railing digging into his skin. A single thought rose above the ringing in his ears.
I don't wanna talk to her.
Giving his best model smile, Adrien schooled his features. "Ah, thanks but-" he pointed down, "-I should really check on them."
"O-oh! Of course!"
Ladybug's face was out of focus but Adrien could still feel the melancholy in her voice.
Powering past his queasy stomach Adrien made his way to the stairs. The sound of Ladybug's yo-yo whirring reached his ears; signaling her departure. Adrien took a shuddering gasp as he leaned against a metal pillar for support. Body suddenly limp.
Breath accelerating Adrien tried to calm himself. Why was he up here? Had- Had Audrey's blast mind controlled him? Again!? He couldn't breathe.
Adrien sank to his knees as he felt his skin crawl at the idea of that- that-Β assholeΒ reaching into his mind and taking away his free will. He hated it! He HATED it!
Gasping as his rage broke him out of the panic, Adrien steadied his breathing... He wanted- no,Β neededΒ to know what happened... Which meant getting up and moving forward... Forcing himself to his feet Adrien wiped the sweat from his brow and followed the others down.
---------------
"Remind me to tell your father to fire the person in charge of the Eiffel Tower elevators..." Audrie panted. "This is... unacceptable... utterly unacceptable!"
"Of course, mom. Oh!" Chloe glanced down to see what she'd stumbled on.
Adrien looked up as he fanned himself with Marinette's hat.
And dropped it.
He stared open mouthed at the small, black, octagonal box in Chloe's hands. Heartbeat leaping into his throat.
What the hell is THAT doing here!?
"Ooh! What's this?" Chloe turned the box around in her hands but didn't open it.
Adrien suddenly forgot his exhaustion and rushed to her side. The lie coming easily to his lips. "Oh, I recognize that! They sell them at antique shops."
"Ew, it's old! Get it away from me!" Chloe practically hurled it at Adrien.
Catching it easily. A thrill ran up Adrien's arms and down his spine as the box made contact with his skin. The hairs at the back of his neck standing on end.
Chloe dusted her hands and kept walking. Glancing nervously at her mother. Hoping Audrey hadn't seen her with something so outdated.
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!Β The voice in his head said.
Shut up,Β Adrien told it as he stared at the unknown Miraculous in his hand. Heartbeat hammering in his chest. But it wasn't from fear. No, it was... anticipation.
The corners of Adrien's lips curled upwards.
------------------------------
Notes: Oh, would you look at that. I'm back! It only took... eight months!
#style queen#ml au#adrien angst#adrien agreste#chloe bourgeois#audrey bourgeois#ml fanfic#ml angst#canon divergent au#canon divergence
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MATT CASEY
Hatred and fatherly love.
Requested: yes
Prompts: none
Warning(s): none
Author's note: I had a lot of fun with this one. I'm still thinking about whether or not I should just keep the ending as it is or make a part two where (as requested) they fall for each other. But if I'm being honest I kind of dig feisty Y/N that stands her ground.
PART // 2 //
~
MASTERLIST
"Justin what you did was wrong," You fumed, handing him the last of your boxes to load into the truck. He took them without saying a word, letting you take out your frustration on him. "I can't believe dad would do that."
"Oh come on," Your older brother groaned. "Now you're acting like Erin."
"Damn right I am," You agreed. "Unlike dad, Erin and I want you to learn from your mistakes. Obviously, that's not gonna happen if dad keeps babying you."
"So what?" His words came out immaturely, making you punch his shoulder. "Ow! What was that for?"
"For being an asshole! That little boy is paralysed from the waist down because of you!"
"You're overreacting."
"You know what, I give up." Your hands curled around the car doors before they released when you shut the door closed. Anger took permanent residence in your chest.
You shot your brother a glare before jumping into your car. "Thanks for helping me pack."
And with that you sped off to your new home.
***
The apartment complex you moved to was considered to be a jackpot. With that being said, if there was one thing that you liked about having Hank Voight as your father, it was the very comfortable lifestyle you could afford with just your name.
Of course, you were mad at your father right now. What he did to get your immature brother out of trouble was all kinds of wrong, and you didn't support it at all.
"Do you need help with that?" A cool voice told you in passing. You had your hands filled with boxes, and you could barely register what was in front of you.
Before you could say anything hands were already easing the weight in your arms. You smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of your neck shyly.
"Thanks. I just moved here," You explained quickly before looking at the man who offered his help to you. He held the two boxes in his one hand, the other one free for you to take in a greet. "I'm Y/N. Nice to meet you."
"Matt Casey. You can call me Matt."
Inside, you were panicking. The firefighter who currently hated your father and brother with a passion was standing in front of you.
You smiled shakily before a voice called out. "Miss Voight. There are some papers you need to sign."
The way Matt's eyes narrowed at you looked sinister, almost as if he was ready to swallow you up in flames or maybe even leave you in a burning building to die if it ever came down to it.
You didn't know what to say, only mumbling apologies to him before scurrying over to sign some papers.
And when you came back to where Matt once stood, you found your two boxes down on the floor.
Great. My new neighbour hates my guts.
***
Over the next few days Matt and you had managed to establish a routine. You'd both see each other in the hallways very frequently but never actually greet each other. By Tuesday, you were already used to the icy glares and the feeling of being the most hated woman on earth.
You even managed to make a game out of it. What does he think I do for living, it was called. Your number one guess was that he thought you were a dirty cop. Like your father obviously.
But then again, you swore you could see his eyes linger on your legs in passing every time you wore a skirt or a dress. So yet again, another one of your guesses was that he thought you were a stripper.
As fun as it was to make games out of your non-existent relationship it hurt you to be treated in a way you didn't deserve.
The truth was - you worked as a nurse, specifically working with little children. Every day you saw their parents take down stars in order to make their little ones happy and as messed up as it sounded you saw yourself categorizing your own father with them. The only difference between them and your own father was the fact that your father did what he did to protect you in a way that some people didn't seem to find fit.
People like Matt for instance.
And while you understood both sides, you leaned toward Matt. What Justin did was awful and your mind was set in stone - he deserved time. He had to sit in a cell and feel what is like to be at the bottom before he could even begin thinking about changing for the better.
Sadly that's not what happened.
As you walked back to your new apartment the bags under your eyes became more evident. You had lost a patient today. A little baby girl lost to cancer in a battle called life. It left a mark at your heart, and her smiling face was still misty in your mind.
Your eyes spotted Matt who strode down the hallway dressed in a simple button up and jeans, looking extremely handsome.
You couldn't really blame yourself for ogling him. No matter what you told yourself, Matt Casey was still the type of man that had you on your knees.
His eyes returned to his usual glare and while normally you weren't affected by that, today his eyes were the last straw.
Your lip started to tremble, while your eyes were filling with moisture and hands were aggressively stuffed in your purse in a frantic search for your keys.
Matt's face immediately softened but before he could reach you, you had jumped inside and locked the door behind you.
Exhausted by life, you slowly slid down the door until your bottom had hit the dark laminate. You sobbed in a matter you thought was quiet.
But it wasn't.
Matt had pressed his ear against your door and listened closely. Your whimpers entered his ears and he felt everlasting guilt consume him. Did he do this?
He decided then and there that he was going to let go of his prejudice and make things right between you two.
***
Once the sun came out you realized that you were obligated to wake up and start your new date. Just like every time, you pretended to turn over a clean sheet and start your day as your best self.
Your morning routine passed rather quickly. Pretty soon you were sat in your new colorful armchair with tea in your hand and a magazine in the other.
You, just like many others, learnt how to leave your days work in your uniform. Last night being an exception. Once you put that blue uniform back on you were sure to welcome back the dark feelings, but until then, you enjoyed the feeling your silky pyjamas provided.
Your phone rang, and you reached out to answer it. One look at the phone had your face scrunched in distaste, "Yes Justin? How may I be of help today?"
If your brother noticed the sarcasm then he sure did a good job concealing it. Monotonously he greeted you back, "Can't I just call my favourite sister to see how she's doing?"
Rolling your eyes you trekked to your room to change, "Make it quick. I have to go to work."
"Dad's in jail."
"What?" You stopped in your tracks, hardly believing what's happening.
"You know dad." He said, "Don't worry sis. He'll be out in no time."
"This isn't funny Justin," You scolded, throwing a dark purple shirt over your head while your phone sat on your vanity, Justin on full volume speaker.
"Well... I thought you should know."
And with that he hung up.
Annoyed beyond words you grabbed the phone and threw it on your bed. It landed on your creamy sheets safely as you wrestled your jeans.
After that spectacle you grabbed your bag and stormed outside only to clash into something strong.
"Shoot I'm sorry-" You hastily apologized. Your hair was all over the place and you barely had enough time to collect your strands of hair behind your ear before looking at the person you had assaulted with your clumsiness not even twenty seconds earlier.
Matt Casey.
Oh how the stars aligned for you two.
"You." You spit.
He raised a blonde eyebrow at you as if saying that you had no audacity to say anything remotely accusing to him.
"Me?"
"Yes you!" You stomped your heeled boot like a child. "My dad's in jail because of you!"
It was like a switch was turned in his head. Matt took a menacing step closer. "Because of me? He did that to himself when he sent someone to kill me!"
"K-kill you?" You whispered, almost inaudible for him to hear. Suddenly your own words worked against you.
"Just because I wouldn't pull back my report." He explained to you. "And I'm glad I didn't. Your bastard of a brother deserves it for what he did."
You fully agreed with him but the emotions that bubbled inside you came to a boiling point. You could no longer hold back, and so you took a deep breath and spoke. "You think I support him? He got that little boy paralysed and you have the audacity to think I would support someone like that? He may be my older brother but that doesn't mean he has my love and support. I'm the first one in line when it comes to saying he needs to do time."
Your words were getting through to him, you could see it. "And as for my dad... He has his own issues, I admit. But there's one thing you need to know about him: he would do anything for his kids. And I mean it. He might be a dirty cop to you, but he's my father. Justin's too. Don't blame him for thinking that his son is able to change, because I'm damn sure you would do the same if you were in his shoes."
And with that you stormed off to see your father and give him a piece of your mind too.
MASTERLIST
~
#matt casey x reader#matt casey fanfiction#matt casey imagine#matt casey#chicago fire fanfictio#chicago fire#chicago fire fanfiction#chicago fire imagine#chicago pd imagine#chicago pd fanfiction#chicago pd
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Review: At a Distance, Spring is Green [Youth is beautiful from afar, but a tragedy up close]
No. of Episodes: 12
Personal Rating: 9/10
Synopsis:
A story of young university students, including Yeo Jun (Park Jihoon), Kim Sobin (Kang Minah) and Nam Soohyun (Bae Inhyuk).
Yeo Joon is a first year university student. He has a cute appearance and a bright personality. He tries to show people only a good image. He has wealthy parents, but he didn't receive enough affection from his parents.
Kim So-Bin is a 3rd grade university student. She is sincere and honest. After her parents divorced, she has lived with her father.
Nam Soo-Hyun is a smart, perfectionist university student. He has a good looking appearance and receives excellent academic grades. But he is financially in difficult situation. he does do various part time works to support himself and also his family mother and younger sibling. due to his situation, he is cynical to people.
From: Asianwiki
I finished watching this drama in one and a half day. That just illustrates how amazing this show is. Another coming of age, slice of life drama that gives me comfort and this inner peace I've been longing from a tv show. Its been awhile since Korean tv produced a good slice of life as thriller is the trend nowadays.
I am a sucker for a good slice of life and this is everything I need from one. Its empathetic, non-discriminant and realistic. It portrays such a realist point of view how teens or youth never show their true feelings and rather their bright personality to people but deep inside they keep so much pain and damage that they never share. I bet so many people not just the youth can relate to this. The struggles also differ from one another. Jun suffers physical abuse and hatred from his family despite being so wealthy, Soohyun strives to provide for his whole family monetarily and Sobin struggles with a broken family. All of them struggles differently but they can comfort each other without comparing the damage. Why? Because pain is pain. It hurts the same although the injury is different. Every pain is valid.
This drama puts a twist in a clichΓ© bromance trope. I have never seen such an intimate friendship between two male characters in a drama without any bits of romance and this drama executed the plot successfully. Two men who are from contrasting family background with differing pain and fighting their respective discrete battles able to be vulnerable and unguarded exposing their real selves to each other. The conversations and interactions they made are literally the only thing I always look forward to every single episode. In a way, you can say itβs a ship hahaha.
My favourite character in the drama is definitely Nam Soohyun. He reminds me a lot of Lee Jian (IU's character in My Mister). They both struggles monetarily trying to provide for their family, working multiple part time jobs all depressed and lonely. I entirely agree with Mijoo's description of him in the drama. He's like a tree. He's so giving and selfless. He is someone you can lean to, provides shade and comfort, gives you space to take a breath, sacrificing every part of him to make sure the ones he love are safe and secure. However, at the same time, he's in this solitary battle against him self and the path he walks on is so lonely makes him hide his anxious and sorrowful side from others. Nam Soohyun exists inside all of us and we tend to forget about it. I love his character development, when he starts to open up and shows his feelings to others. He finally shares his pain so that he does not have to carry the burden alone. He is now able to be truthful with his emotions and freely express his feelings makes me release a sigh of relief. Because I too, was all tense and frustrated when he keeps things to himself and struggles alone.
Anyway, At a Distance, Spring is Green is a drama that will give you comfort, healing and might be a place you can seek refuge to. Its relatable, close to the hearts of audience especially youth.
"I will carve a cool path, and walk alone.
Alone?
You have to master walking alone in order to walk with anyone."
being able to walk a lonely path is the only way for you to share the walk together with someone else.Β
This is definitely a must watch especially you're a slice of life junkie. Happy binge-watching!
-shaininnβ
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You Canβt Just Leave Me
Summary: The Han family is a force to be reckoned with.Β
Authorβs Note: Writing this chapter made me smile, I hope reading it as the same affect on you all. Thank you to everyone who supports this story and leaves comments (or my silent readers). I appreciate you all and I am so thankful that you like this brainchild, Iβve just been winging it- never expecting to be on chapter 7 on something I initially planned on being a one shot. You all made it come this far, enjoy chapter 7!! Beautiful header by @ewolfwitchwisegirlΒ text message created by Junjin fairy @prodmina
The apartment is eerily quiet following Su-ah's departure, he hadn't intentionally tried to eavesdrop but it was hard not to overhear their sniffles through the door. Then hours later the usually bubbly girl had exited the room with red rimmed eyes, he'd never seen her cry before in his many years of knowing her. He was awkward in the face of it, not used to comforting anyone besides Ju-Kyeong.Β
Their conversation was clipped and it was clear that Sujin hadn't opened up about what happened. The Su-ah he knew would be making plans to sabotage her father, if she knew the full story. Β She'd left with the final words, "Take care of her." He nodded without hesitation that was his intentions, he just needed to get her onboard with his plan to do that.
Taking a deep soothing breath he walks over to knock on the door.
"Sujin-ah, can we talk?" He asks, pressing his head against the door. Ready to plead if need be, she hadn't been answering him since being here. He never saw her come outside, but the food he brought would just disappear hours after he placed it. He waits patiently before reaching out his knuckles to knock again, but when the door suddenly opens he takes a quick step back surprised to see Sujin's face. It's clear she's been crying. He looks away, it's a bit unsettling to see her like this. Too raw.
"Let's talk in the living room." He suggests quietly, stepping back and walking towards the couch. Nerves easing minutely as he hears her soft footsteps behind him. He slides into one corner of the couch and watches as she sits on the opposite end. An awkward silence bellows around them as he stares at his hands and she stares at the ceiling. They have both never been the most talkative on a good day, but now itβs painful.Β
He clears his throat stilling when he feels her eyes on him, waiting. He had this speech planned in his head for days but now that the moment is actually here, he's terrified. Too nervous to say the words he wants to, does he even have the right to apologize to her now? Does she even want his late apology or will she brush him off? He wouldn't blame her one bit, it had taken him too long and he still hasn't even forgiven himself, how could he expect her to forgive him?Β
"Thank you."
He almost misses the quiet utterance because he's so lost in his own self deprecation. They are staring at each other now eyes locked, his own wide in bewilderment.
"What?" He responds caught off guard, he didn't expect Sujin to speak at all-much less for those to be her first words.
"You heard me. Thank you for letting me stay here and for not pressuring me to talk about it." Β Sujin awkwardly squirms in her seat, glancing away from him before darting back and she gives him the courage to finally saw what he wanted- no needed to.
"I'm sorry." It's his turn to watch the shock form on her face but he presses on before she can question him. "I'm sorry I wasn't there, I knew what was happening but I didn't know how to help. I understand now that just being there would have been enough, you just needed a friend. I'm sorry I wasn't one."
A slight weight lifts off his shoulder and his heart, he's not free but he's one step closer. One step at a time.
"You didn't do anything wrong. We were just kids, what could you have done? It's okay, I never expected you to save me. How could you when you were dealing with your own pain?"
She's giving him an out, and logically she's right the pain of losing his mother crippled him for years. It was still weighing heavy on him to this day but he doesn't want an out, he wants to be accountable. He would rather her rage than her understanding.
"I know you didn't need a savior, but you needed a friend. Am I wrong? Were you okay dealing with everything on your own?" It's a low blow he's aware and the way her eyes narrow further confirm that his question isn't appreciated.
"Am I wrong?" He repeats and watches as the ice around her eyes melt away glacially, too many emotions flashing in her dark orbs- anger, sadness, disappointment, broken acceptance each emotion cutting at his heart.
Leaning forward he grabs at the folder on the table, he's already come this far might as well go all the way now.
"Here." He hands it to her, she raises an eyebrow taking the thick object. "Open it," he nods at the folder watching quietly as she breaks the seal and pulls out the documents, eyes scanning the papers before realization settles.
"Emancipation?" She whispers, now staring at him unblinking he can feel the heft of her undivided attention.
"Yes, we've been doing research and I think the best bet is for you to get emancipated." He winces at himself as she glares at the use of "we", he should have left that out with how distant they've been; she didn't even know that Seojun was the one providing the meals she seemed to love. She might stop eating them if she knew, she was so stubborn sometimes.Β
She leaf's through the pages, carefully looking over the document and he sits silently awaiting her reaction.
"He would never allow this. You know that." It's said with certainty as if she's accepted her fate long ago, probably thought of this very option herself and then talked herself out of it.
"I'm going to ask her father to help, he's been supporting your father all these years. If he knew the truth..." He trails off letting her finish the rest and she barks out a humorless laugh, it sounds more like a sob.
"You want to tell your father? They have known each other for years, why would he believe me?"
"He's my dad. He'll believe me. We have to at least try." He pleads now desperate for her agreement. It wasnβt the right thing to say, he knows that instantly.Β
Instantly she stands up, slamming the documents on the table the ice restoring around her eyes. "I was fine all those years you were wrong. Β I'm not doing this, I don't need your dad's help." She spits the word "dad" like it's poison on her tongue, storming off to the room and slamming the door shut.
He sighs, defeated leaning back onto the couch. He sends a text to his father and Seojun. He failed.Β
ππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππ
Guilt eats at her following her outburst, she wasn't mad at Suho despite her harsh words. She can blame her anger on many things but she's self-aware enough to know that it's a defense mechanism; she was jealous. It was ugly and grotesque, but she cannot stop the way her blood boils when she sees others with parents that care.Β
He's my father, he'll believe me.
That would never be her reality, Suho and his father had been able to reconcile and restart their broken relationship. That would never be her truth, her relationship with her father would never resemble something healthy and despite her efforts to repress her true feelings, it hurts. The little girl who desperately wanted to make her dad happy and proud still hadn't died.
She feels stupid, the biggest fool on the planet. How can she still be looking for love from someone who has never shown her anything but hatred? Sheβs the one with a problem here, she knows that.Β
She shouldn't have lashed out especially after his apology, that must have taken true guts and she had thrown it all back in his face. She tries to make amends but every time they cross paths she freezes up and escapes to her borrowed room instead. It continues on for days with him still bringing food to her door and the combination of their kindness is too much for her. She doesnβt deserve it from either of them.Β
Tugging on her jacket she leaves the apartment hastily with only a small note on her door. She needs some space to think without feeling suffocated.
Gone for a walk.
It's just her luck that it's raining outside, only a drizzle but it coats the world in a thick fog and it's hard to see. The biggest benefit is that nobody can see her, she just needs time alone to think.Β
The idea of emancipation wasn't new to her, she had considered this option before but in the end she discarded it. Her father wasn't someone she would simply leave, he would drag her back kicking and screaming. He had instilled long ago that she was his, it was pointless to have dreams or aspirations, she just needed to follow his orders. That was her purpose. Being an obedient dog.Β
Suho's plan also called for revealing her pitiful life, what if she went through this ordeal only to lose and not be given emancipation in the end? No. She couldn't make herself that vulnerable at least now she had her dignity, only two people knew about her secret. It might not be much to others, but her dignity was everything to her; it was all she had left.
Sighing loudly at the skies she mentally curses the weather, maybe it's poetic but all of her worst times have been bookmarked by the rain. It must be a metaphor for her life, damp and cold with no warmth in sight.
Stopping to sit on a bench she stares up at the gray skies before closing her eyes, accepting her fate. "Fine, rain on me. I probably deserve this." Cool raindrops roll down her cheeks imitating tears and she can feel the moisture seeping into her clothes and siphoning her heat.
"Unnie?" She jumps at the voice, sounding too close and she shifts away when she opens her eyes and is greeted by the large bespectacled eyes of Gowoon. The younger girl smiles sweetly, covering her with a pale blue umbrella with ice cream cones decorating it. Itβs too innocent and too young the antithesis of everything in her life.Β
"Unnie! What are you doing in the rain? You're getting wet!" Gowoon grabs her arm tugging her to her feet using her umbrella to shelter them both. She's shocked when she doesn't bristle at the unexpected and too familiar manhandling. She almost rolls her eyes, what was it with the Han family and finding her during rainstorms?Β
"Come on, my house isn't far. I'll make you some soup so you don't catch a cold." The other girl doesn't wait for her reply before she starts pulling her down the sidewalk. She sputters but feels her feet following obediently.
"Oppa is working late, so he won't be there to bother us."
Her heart defiantly jumps at the mention of him, she hasn't seen him in a week. She has dozens of unsent messages to him, cowardice has rendered her fingers useless though.Β
"That's good." She lies, "So it'll just be us two?" She's not quite ready to meet any other members of the Han family.
The other girl nods absently, easily easing them into a riveting conversation about a boy at school who won't leave her alone. She offers to beat him up if he keeps on bothering her to which Gowoon laughs gleefully before squealing, "You sound just like Seojun oppa!" She glares at the comparison watching entranced at the young girl's uncontrollable giggles. When was the last time she'd laughed so freely? She had no recollection.
Gowoon wasn't lying and within minutes she's staring at the apartment she's only seen once before. That feels like a lifetime ago.
She immediately regrets her inability to say no to persuasive girl later when they are greeted at the door.
"Gowoon, sweetie is that you?" A maternal voice calls out and she instantly recognizes it, stiffening in the doorway. Stepping back she starts thinking of excuses, but her tongue is too heavy in her mouth and she's too slow as the woman comes around the corner halting her escape.Β
She blinks unhurried as the older woman gapes at her clearly not expecting to see anyone besides her daughter.
Gowoon breaks the silence, her voice nonchalant, "Hi mom! This is my unnie Sujin, she's the one who saved me the other day! Is it okay that I brought her here for dinner, I found her in the rain!" Gowoon makes it sound like she picked up a stray puppy outside, but she knows the other girl means no harm.Β
Her skin prickles at the question, anxiety filling her stomach without her permission. She's waiting for rejection. For Gowoonβs mother to say that it is not okay and she would rather eat with her daughter without a stranger intruding.Β
"Of course! I didn't realize it was the same Sujin." Gowoon looks confused by her mother's statement and she feels embarrassment swarming in her belly. Oh no. She has to stop her before she reveals too much, Gowoon knows nothing and she wants to keep it that way.Β
"I didn't realize you knew Sujin too, isn't this Seojun's cru.."
"Classmate!" She suddenly interjects staring at the woman with pleading eyes, she's not ready for Gowoon to know about her brothers βfeelingsβ. She's trying her best to forgot them too.
They both stare at her and she squirms under the scrutiny, before the older woman puts her out of her misery. "Yes, Seojun mentioned her before I didn't realize she was the same person that helped you. Thank you." She freezes as the woman embraces her hand, smiling at her warmly as she thanks her. She can only stare in response, nodding dumbly.
"Come on unnie! I'll get you some warm clothes, you'll catch a cold if you keep wearing those."
She lets herself be tugged into the younger girlβs room. Just like Gowoon the room is bright and vivacious, wall covered in posters and books littering her table. It looks completely normal and it makes her ache, her own room was militarily decorated with nothing out of place and no evidence of her personality. Since she was young her father would inspect it and punish her if anything was untoward. She had stopped trying to make the room look lived in after seeing poster after poster thrown down.Β
"Here unnie. You can borrow this." Her eyes bulge at a familiar blue shirt with a puppy on the front. "I know it's so embarrassing but oppa got it for me, it's really warm though." In the end he'd gotten her to wear the ridiculous shirt, she reluctantly goes off to change into the top and leggings. They are the same baby blue hue, making the outfit look like a set. She's thankful the boy isn't here to see her.
"Well don't you look adorable?" Seojun's mom coos at her when she finally comes out of the bathroom, she desperately wants to disappear. The woman must notice her ruby cheeks because she turns with a smile calling out to her daughter, "Gowoon! Come help with dinner!"
Now changed too, into cactus pajamas the younger girl bounds out grabbing an apron and tying it behind her back.
"What are are we making?" She curiously peeks over her mom's shoulder. The air between the mother and daughter is comfortable, the two leaning into each other naturally as they discuss what to make for dinner. She observes with a heavy heart as Gowoon easily puts her head on her mom's shoulder and the woman strokes her cheek lovingly. Something inside her throbs in response.
"Do you want to help?"
Shaking her head to clear the longing she looks at their mom, who's looking back at her with soft eyes already holding out another apron.
She can't control herself her yearning is too large, she stands without hesitation walking to the woman, sucking in a breath when the apron is placed over her shoulders and then tightened snuggly.
"We're making wonton soup. Have you ever made dumplings before sweetie?"
She looks at Gowoon waiting for her reply but then realizes that both pair of eyes are on her and oh, she's talking to her. She called her sweetie. Swallowing thickly she shakes her head before replying, "No. I've never made them before." She waits to be berated or at least chastised for her lack of culinary skills, her father always said a woman's place was in the kitchen.
Nothing happens. The woman hums before smiling again, she's always smiling it's so pretty. She wishes she had the courage to say the words aloud. She doesn't.
"You can help Gowoon chop the vegetables for the filling. Then we can mix it with the ground pork and I'll show you how to make the dumplings." If the woman is disappointed at all at having to teach her she's doing an incredible job of concealing her frustrations.
She accepts the knife when Gowoon hands it to her, both of them working on a wooden cutting board. They've gotten into somewhat of a rhythm slicing the chives and carrots finely for the filling. She'd never chopped vegetables before but their mom had casually stood behind her shocking her so much she almost dropped the knife, but the older woman had easily caught the utensil before holding her hand and manually showing her how to tuck her fingers and mince the vegetables. She froze before imitating the woman, she was good at replicating acts.
"That looks great sweetie! You're a fast learner!" The woman praised her turning back to the broth and adding more seasoning liberally. She preened under the attention smiling shyly before Gowoon shouted out loudly, "What about me mom? How do mine look?" They both looked at the younger girl's unevenly chopped chives and carrots, next to Sujin's perfectly identical veggies all in an even row. The difference between the two is stark.Β
"They look fine dear, they'll be hidden in the dumplings anyway." Her mother tries to soothe her ego, patting her shoulder before turning back to her soup dismissively and a burst of laughter explodes from her chest at the offended look on Gowoon's face, her cheeks are red and her mouth is turned down in an exaggerated frown. The younger girl looks positively livid that her mother is not similarly singing her praises and she starts to defiantly chop more vegetables, only to have them come out even worst; even more lopsided and haggard.Β
She tries to tamper her laugh but when the younger girl starts whining, crying about how her veggies were βcousins not siblingsβ she loses it, clutching at the counter for balance. She feels the air bursting from her lungs as she clutches at her stomach, laughing harder when Gowoon glares at her pout on her lips. The older woman joins her rubbing her daughter's back as she cries about her dignity, and then Gowoon looks at them both laughing at her and a smile spreads on her face and soon they are all laughing in the kitchen, soup bubbling beside them as a delicious aroma permeates the room.
None of them hear the front door opening or a deep voice announcing its arrival.
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He's cold, tired and wet. Once again missing the forecast for rain, he really needed to start carrying an umbrella around all the time. What was up with the weather lately anyway? Why was it raining all the damn time?Β He absently thinks of a certain someone and hopes she's somewhere warm out of the rain. They always seemed to meet when the sky was pouring and raging.Β
It was hard not contacting her but he wanted to listen to her requests and respect her wishes no matter how hard it was for him, it was also getting pathetic being the only one fighting for this. She hadn't outright rejected him after his confession but her silence was an answer in itself and he wanted to respect that. He wasn't too manly to admit that he was hurt, and he was reeling from being pushed away so many times already.
So he followed his mother's advice, he'd given her something that he knew she needed and expected nothing in return.
All week he'd been waking up early to cook for the girl, reading recipes off his phoneΒ fluffy cat headband on his head keeping his fringe out of his eyes. The easier recipes like soup and grilled meats had been simple enough to accomplish but when he ventured into more complicated bento boxes that's when frustrations had arose. They looked so easy but they were tedious and he wasnβt the most patient or detail oriented person.Β
He struggled to recreate the detailed meals and almost gave up,Β throwing his phone across the room.
That's how his mother had found him, fuming and tugging his hair on the kitchen table. Seconds away from bashing his head into the surface and screaming at the ceiling.Β
"What are you doing up so early?" He jumped at her voice, looking around at the mess he'd made in the kitchen with wide guilty eyes.
"I-I can explain." He stuttered out but couldn't come up with a feasible answer once she looked at him expectantly, arms folded. The patented mom stare.Β
She had calmly walked across the room picking up his discarded phone, peering at the screen before looking back at him.
"Is this for your friend?" She shook the phone at him knowingly and he pressed his lips tight together, nodding mutely while looking away.
"Okay let's see what you have so far." His mom walked over and assessed what he had already made, nodding with a proud smile. "You did good so far, let me show you how to make a hotdog into an octopus. I did this for you all the time when you were a kid."
He was grateful when she didn't ask him any questions and it became their morning ritual, until he no longer needed guidance and he was able to make the boxes on his own. The satisfaction he felt when Suho would return the containers, clean as a whistle not even a grain of rice remaining was incomparable. It wasn't much but at least she was eating, that was all he needed even if she didn't want to see him or know that he was the one making her meals.
He sighs at himself, he told himself not to think about her but that was proving easier said than done.
Shaking himself at the front door like a wet dog, he tugs his keys from the back pocket of his jeans slotting it on the doorknob and turning.
"I'm home!" He calls out instinctively announcing his arrival as he toes off his drenched boots, but then his eyebrow lifts as he hears peals of laughter coming from the kitchen. He chuckles without knowing the joke, instantly rejuvenated by his family's abundant joy. Slipping on his slippers after hesitating a second because he doesn't recognize the shoe at the front door. When did Gowoon get those and how the hell was his little sister affording Chanel sneakers?
Those thoughts are swarming in his mind when he stomps to the kitchen, all the air sucked from his lungs when he sees an unbelievable vision. His mother and sister are grasping at each other, lost in laughter completely unaware of his presence but the image that most shocks him is Sujin, holding her stomach as she spots something on the counter that sets her off into another bout of boisterous laughter.
He can't help it he starts to categorize her every move, the way her eyes are crinkled and a stray tear is leaking out the corner, the way her nose is scrunched up like a rabbit and the way her mouth is stretched wide, visible even behind the futile shield of her hand. All of his thoughts from earlier regarding not needing to see her dissipate, he wants to tattoo this image in his mind.
"Oh! You're here!" His mother suddenly turns to face him and that causes Sujin to freeze laughter fading off with a whine, regarding him with huge bright eyes. It's almost too much once he notices what she's wearing, he wasn't prepared to see her like this in his house. It's overwhelming in the best way.
"I'm home. I'll go change and come help." Both his mother and Gowoon nod easily no longer paying him any mind but he can feel eyes on him as he runs away, trying to regain his composure and his breath. He purposely avoids Sujin's eyes not ready to see if the walls are back up at his arrival.
When he comes back out the table is already set and they've all taken a seat, the only available chair is between his mom and Sujin, so he takes a calming breath before walking over with fake confidence. Heβs used to faking it until he makes it. That could be the name of his biography.Β
He answers his family's questions about work and school blowing on the soup before taking a bite of the slightly lopsided dumpling. What it's lacking in appearance it more than makes up for in flavor, he groans at the delicious flavor that dances on his taste buds looking up excitedly at his mom.
"These dumplings are delicious! Thank you for the meal!" He praises his mom, happily chewing at the soft delicacy in his mouth.
"Thank you Junnie, but I didn't make the dumplings. They worked on the filling together but Sujin-ah seasoned and filled the dumplings while I made the broth and your sister helped with the side dishes." His mother smiles proudly over at the two girls, Gowoon beaming with pride but Sujin, almost disappears into her soup her head so close to the steaming hot bowl.
They havenβt said anything to each other and he's nervous to be the one to break this stalemate but he also really wants to talk to her, has wanted to since he stepped through the door and saw her smiling face. Has wanted to since that night he stormed out and didn't look back. So finally he does, gathering all his bravery to finally look over at her.
"The dumplings are great." And when she doesn't look up or seemingly react at all, he tells himself he's fine and he expected that. She wasn't ready to talk to him yet, it was his own fault for hoping when she'd explicitly told him to stop doing that.
So he goes back to eating, more lethargic than before eyes locked on nothing but his food and his spoon. It was embarrassing. He knows his cheeks are pink and he hates it.
"Thank you. I just followed your mom's directions. It was nothing."
He pauses, peeking up at her and almost choking when she shoots him a small smile before filling her bowl with more rice.
His heart thumps in his chest. Fuck.
He doesn't hear anything else the rest of the meal, too lost in his thoughts and it's only familiarity that has him standing up when everyone is finished, collecting the plates and bringing them to the sink.
"It's almost time for Sunbae, donβt wear those high heels!!" Gowoon shouts, he cringes at the name of the new drama they've been obsessively watching, he'd only tuned in one time before flabbergasted by the exorbitant amount of times the female protagonist had fallen into the arms of various men but especially the male lead. She fell off a balcony into his arms that time, with neither of them needing to be admitted to the hospital somehow. His mother and Gowoon had both hushed him when he'd voiced that particular opinion and he had happily banished himself to his room.
"Oh no, I'm going to miss it because I'm washing the dishes." He replies deadpan as his sister rolls her eyes dramatically at him, "Whatever it's your loss. Let's go I want to see if she's going to choose the sweet bad boy or the cold cute guy!"
He scoffs at the clichΓ© characterizations scrubbing harder at the plate.
"Come on unnie!" Sujin gasps as she's tugged to the living room too, glancing over he sees his little sister place her in the middle of the couch sandwiched between her and his mother. Sujin looks overwhelmed as Gowoon animatedly tries to catch her up on the series. He shakes his head, maybe the show wasn't that bad. He could watch a few minutes with them.
He strolls casually to the living room, easing onto the ground beside his mother's legs after all the dishes are clean and drying.
"What are you doing here? I thought you despised this "cringey" show?" He leans his head back, sighing when his mother eases her fingers into his hair scratching at his scalp and he sighs content in her lap.
"I do. But it's too early to sleep so I have no choice but to watch this crap."
"Mom! He said crap!"
"Watch your language."
His mother scolds him immediately and Gowoon sticks out her tongue at him vindicated because he got in trouble and immaturely he does it back, tugging off her sock much to her chagrin, dodging her when she tries to kick him.
Sujin looks back and forth between them both before discretely looking at their mother, she seems shocked when all the woman does is chuckle and say, "Children please. Do I need to remind you that we have a guest?" He looks away bashfully not wanting to look childish in front of Sujin, he hadn't thought about that. That makes them settle down and he finally looks at the TV, groaning loudly when low and behold the heroine is falling again, tripping over a candy wrapper on the ground.
"She falls a lot. She should probably wear protective gear." Sujin says breaking their new silence and he chuckles at her observation, happy that someone agrees with him, excitedly he turns to her "Right! Last time she fell off a balcony!" He shouts in disbelief and suddenly they're all arguing about the feasibility of someone surviving that. His mother shaking her head fondly at them, choosing to say out of it which makes Gowoon pout because she's outnumbered.
"Okay who would you choose Unnie, the tsundere type or the bad boy with a heart of gold?" Suddenly he's very invested in her answer, he tries not to react staring at the ceiling and breathing evenly but inside his heart is thundering ready to pound out of his chest.
A few seconds drag on and he wonders if she's not going to answer, he doesn't even know why he cares so much but curiously is gripping at him. He knows that this doesn't mean anything necessarily and he's not getting his hopes up but--
"The sweet guy. He just looks like a bad boy but he's sweet to her, he never says anything mean to her. That would be nice." She answers, trailing off at the end and he hears Gowoon instantly disagreeing saying the other guy is way better, but he can barely hear his sister over the thumping of his heart in his ears, he can't help the wide smile that spreads on his face.Β
He turns to hide it in his mom's lap.
It doesn't leave his face the rest of the night.
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It's getting late, she knows that it's time for her to take her leave she's been imposing on them for too long but....she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to leave, they are so warm. She's never seen a family like this outside of television shows, how was it possible that this was their real life? How could they have a mother who was that loving? Everything they did was greeted with fond exasperation, where was the reprimanding or cold backhanded words that cut like a knife?
She'd even treated her kindly, calling her sweetie more than she said her name. And she got used to it similar to how she'd gotten used to Seojun calling her princess, she knew she should fight it but she didn't want to. She was ashamed to say she liked it.Β
She tries to soak it up for as long as she can before she says reluctantly, "I should probably go. it's getting late." Then she watches in a daze as the woman races off before returning with containers stacked and tied in a bag.
Before she can argue or refuse their mom is already shaking her head, "You made this so it's only right that you take it home. I won't take no for an answer." At this point that should have been the Han family motto she thinks fondly. But she accepts the food, bowing in gratitude at the simple act of kindness.
"Unnie, can I have your number? I just realized I don't have it and we're so close!" Gowoon thrusts her phone out with two hands, giving her the biggest puppy eyes she's ever seen. Without a word she accepts the phone, punching in her number before handing it back. She hadnβt realized the girl considered them close, but she finds that she doesnβt mind it at all.Β
"Thank you! I'll text you so you can have my number too." The younger girl dances in celebration before grabbing her in a hug, she awkwardly pats her on the back once before she's finally set free. They're all so naturally affectionate and she's not the least bit accustomed to it, used to harsh words and slaps instead of praises and hugs.
"Get home safely sweetie. Junnie! Where did you go? Come walk her home!" She rushes to say it's okay she doesn't need an escort home, she's fine walking by herself it truly wasn't that far it turned out. But Seojun comes out of his room, changed again with a coat on and a beanie. Walking over to them he thrusts a sweater at her, when she looks blankly he replies sounding defensive, "It's probably colder now. Put this on too." He pushes it at her again firmer and she grabs it, gasping when their fingers brush.
It's a thick dark green sweater with fleece lining the interior and it smells just like his earthy cologne, she wants to give it back. Instead she puts it on over her borrowed long sleeve shirt from Suho and feels like a child playing dress up when it reaches the bottom of her knees. She knows what he's thinking when he smirks at her, she wasn't short he was just a damn giant.
She takes off the slippers and slides back into her sneakers, thankful that they're dry now. She's distracted by Seojun's heat, he's so close to her putting on his own boots. So much so she nearly misses what his mother says, "Get home safely. Please come again soon, I need more maturity in this house." Seojun and Gowoon both shout affronted but all she can see is the genuine smile on her face, she finds herself nodding throat too thick for words. When she's pulled into another hug, this time she has to blink away tears arms still by her side. Sheβs vibrating from keeping her emotions contained.Β
They are walking side by side, the sounds of the city filling the silence that would be present. Every once in a while their arms brush but he moves away after the third time and she feels cold, more so than when the wind blows.
They're getting closer to Suho's apartment and she's wrecking her brain to find something to say to him, knowing that the ball is in her court; it always has been. She's just terrified to swing her racket. What if she misses? Or trips and embarrasses herself? It was usually better to just do nothing then you wouldn't be disappointed.
With each step she loses more courage until they are standing in front of the building and she still hasn't said anything.
Coward.
They stand awkwardly looking at the building pointedly avoiding each other and she finally speaks, "Oh your sweater! Here you go." She says stupidly, not at all what she wanted to say but she starts to pull the sweater off to commit to her exclamation. However he steps back shaking his head at her.
"It's cold. Just wear it upstairs. I'll get it later from Suho, you won't have to see me again. Go up." He sounds deflated, nothing like the animated jokester she'd seen just minutes at his apartment. It aches that she's the one making him act this way.
Then he turns around after looking at her, all of the light drained from his eyes.
He takes three large steps, putting immeasurable space between them in no time and she knows that if she lets him walk away right now he might not come back and that's a gut wrenching thought that makes her chase after him.
Thoughtlessly, she grabs his arm halting his exit from her life.
"Wait!" She shouts, but at the first touch of her hand on his forearm he's already frozen, still in her arms. He doesn't turn around. She shoots him a silent mental thank you, even if it's not his intention it's much easier to say what's on her mind like this without him facing her and her feeling too open and vulnerable.Β
"I know you're the one making me food." There was supposed to be a thank you somewhere in there but instead she ends up sounding accusatory, and he tenses instantly his arm tight in her grasp.
"I'll stop. I know you told me to leave you alone. I--just. There's no excuse. I'll stop."
His voice is strained and this is going all wrong already, she's ruining everything.
Letting go of his arm, she sidesteps and brazenly moves directly in front of him. She can't keep hiding from this. She needed to be vulnerable, that was the only way he could understand.
His eyes are wet.
She gasps at the sight, not expecting it and so jealous at his ability to just feel and be seen. She was always hiding from everything.Β
"Don't."
He doesn't give her a chance to finish.
"Sujin. Let me go. I know already, I know it all. I can't like you, I shouldn't get my hopes up, I need to mind my business. I know it all!" He shouts, pain marring his face but she notices how he still tugs his arm free gently, still careful about harming her even while heβs breaking down.Β
She doesnβt deserve this.Β
This is all her fault she knows that to be an objective truth, but the way he throws her own words back at her makes her realize how cruel she'd been while trying to spare him. She hadn't spared anything, the pain in his eyes and voice makes that abundantly clear.
"Don't stop. Don't give up on me." She finishes, staring at him with her own wet eyes, tears prickling at them.
His shoulders sink as he stares at her, lost and hesitant.Β
"I'm sorry. Iβm sorry for saying those things to you.Β I can't promise I won't push you away again. I'm...I'm fucked up Seojun-ah. I'm a fucking mess. But I want to stop, I don't want to push people away."
I don't want to push you away. But sheβs still too much of a coward to say that out loud.Β
"Sujin, what-what are you trying to say?" He looks at her with guarded eyes, not yet ready to believe the words coming out of her mouth.
"I want to be friends."
She watches him wrestle with her sentence, hurt being covered up by a façade and she's not obtuse, she knows that's not the answer he was hoping for. Knows he thinks she's friend zoning and clipping the wings of his feelings.
"That's all I can deal with right now. I have a lot to work on, I need to work on me." It may seem like a cop out, an excuse but it's the most honest she's ever been with herself, it's not that she doesn't like him she might- if the way her heart thumps when heβs around says anything- but more importantly she has realized that she doesnβt like herself.
"Right now." He repeats in awe, she blinks confused before realizing the implications of her words, she starts sputtering trying to backtrack but he's too quick beating her to the punch.
"I can do friends. For now." She blushes at the beaming smile on his face, his happiness over such a small acquiesce is too much. Why did he have to wear his heart so obviously on his sleeves?
They stand simply staring at each other. Locked in the moment.
She might need to remind her heart that they'd only agreed to be friends.
For now.
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I don't like onions.
She doesn't know what possesses her to text him first, or what compels her to send that particular message. She starts googling if there's a way to unsend messages, instead finding stories from others regaling their own embarrassing messages and finding solace that she isn't alone in this feeling.Β
She jumps when her phone vibrates. Slowly turning it over like it's a ticking bomb.
Of course you'd be a picky eater. Onions are good for you.
She rolls her eyes at the message, he was such a nagger.
It's not good if I don't enjoy it.
Alright princess, noted. No more onions. Are you okay with chicken teriyaki tomorrow?
She recalls the delicious chicken teriyaki he'd made for her just days ago, it was succulent and juicy and she'd fought Suho over it, reminding him that this was her food and she replies quickly.
Yes! Do you have more kimchi?
I do. I'll pack some.
She stares at the phone, in disbelief at the how easy it is to talk to him again, like there was an empty spot in her life, a Seojun shaped gap that was now filled once more. She wasn't fixed, she had meant what she told him; she couldn't examine her feelings for him yet. But she needed him in her life, he was there when she needed someone and now no one else would do.
I missed you.
#true beauty#true beauty kdrama#bring me to life#chapter 7#han seojun#kang sujin#Han family superiority#the couple that should have been#I got to write some cute stuff#calm before the storm#maybeeeee#junjin#dedicated to my shooters
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