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jmagnabo92 · 2 years

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Rebuilding

I’ve posted the AO3 link before, but I’d thought I’d put the whole thing on here - long read.

Summary: James survives that night because he was away when Voldemort attacked, Sirius helps him through his grief, taking care of him and Harry as they rebuild their lives after the war.

October 31st, 1981

“Are you sure it’s okay if I go with Remus tonight?” James asks. Remus had recently randomly reached out to James about being with him on the full moon night despite James being in hiding with Lily and Harry.

Lily smiles at him, “He’s finally reaching out to you about things other than money since Harry was born and we went into hiding. You know he won’t reach out to Sirius…”

“Because he thinks Sirius is a traitor,” James spats, angrily. The last conversation he’d had with Remus had been an announcement of them going into hiding mere weeks after Harry’s birth, in which Remus had argued that Sirius wasn’t trustworthy and had ultimately stormed out on them. He’d gotten very few letters in the last year or so, but this one had left the opportunity to make amends, something James was interested in. “I just don’t feel comfortable leaving you and Harry alone.”

“We won’t be. We’ll have our favorite doggie here in no time, won’t we, Harry?” Lily teases, tickling their son and noting that, as always, whenever James has had to leave for supplies and such, Sirius comes to stay with them as extra safety. Sirius is the only person James truly trusts outside of Lily, so he always protects Lily and Harry in his stead.

“Paddy!” Harry giggles, obviously excited.

James smiles down at him, his son loves Sirius as much as he does, “But I have to go now, and he won’t be here for an hour.” He’d called Sirius earlier and he had to clean up after his report to his team lead (they both began an extremely short auror training program right after school, but only Sirius could continue on once James had to go into hiding) and would be there as soon as he could.

Lily laughs, “I think we can handle an hour on our own.”

“Of course you can, I just…” James trails off.

“Don’t worry, we’ll be fine. I’ll see you later.”

“I love you,” James says, giving her a kiss and then kisses Harry’s head.

“I love you, too.”

***

When James sees the white form of the Padfoot Patronus, he doesn’t even need to hear it speak to know that something went horribly wrong. He doesn’t bother to find someway to alert Remus about his leaving, instead just apparating straight home.

Once there, he hears Harry’s crying and Sirius trying to sooth him. He runs up the stairs and sees the nursery destroyed and Lily dead on the floor. “No!”

“James, I’m so sorry…” Sirius starts as Harry reaches out, “Daddy, Daddy.”

He takes Harry from Sirius, and it’s only holding on to Harry that makes it suddenly real. “Lily – she’s …”

“She’s gone, James,” Sirius says, hugging him with Harry between them. “I’m so sorry, if I had been here just five minutes earlier…”

“Then I’d have lost you both…” James starts before shaking his head. He couldn’t lose both of them – Lily is going to be hard enough once it sinks in, but losing both would’ve killed him, too. Suddenly, he realizes that there was only one way for Lily to have been killed tonight – Peter. “Peter, he did this.”

Sirius nods, looking furious. “He did – he sold us out.”

“We have to go after him!” James states, angrily, scaring Harry, who starts crying harder and shifts to go back to Sirius.

“We can’t – Harry needs us,” Sirius states, as he accepts Harry back into his arms. “He can’t lose his father, too.”

James opens his mouth to refute him when he hears the sounds of people outside. They were going to have to deal with this.

***

November 7th, 1981

James groans, breathing heavy, as he wakes from a dream about what happened that night. It’d only been a week, and he’s still in shock from everything. His wife was gone, his son had been attacked, his friend had betrayed him, and now, he was lost in a sea of grief that even the funeral hadn’t helped him through.

It didn’t help that he had to somehow answer a million questions about what happened, where he’d been, if he’d known, and what he was going to do next. Crouch had tried to blame Sirius, but James had defended him, which caused a problem with the ministry. Apparently, they had to take Veritaserum to prove it making James furious. After that, he’d had to fight Hagrid, that night, about how Dumbledore given him orders that Harry was to go to Petunia, and then later on, when Dumbledore attempted to take Harry from him again. They’d argued in front of the Wizengamot and with the law on their side, they’d been allowed to keep his son.

Since then, James has avoided the magical world like the plague, especially given the celebrations that are still ongoing.

“Are you alright?” Sirius asks, from beside him.

His best friend had been his rock through everything: all of the questions, arranging the funeral (convincing Petunia to attend), providing emotional support and letting him and Harry crash with him for a while. Throughout all of the planning and the funeral, Sirius had been the one he’d been holding onto. He had struggled to speak, so Sirius had done it for him. He’d accepted the hugs and condolences, but it didn’t feel real. Not until he laid down to sleep that night and it wasn’t Lily that laid beside him.

Since Sirius’ flat only had two bedrooms, one already decorated for Harry, that left only Sirius’ room for the two of them. Although Sirius offered to crash on the couch or move things around so James could share with Harry, James had insisted that they share Sirius’ room. He just couldn’t stand the thought of sleeping alone and knew Sirius would do anything for him. Besides, Sirius was doing enough for him and didn’t deserve to be relegated to the couch.

“As alright as I can be,” James offers, sadly. He still thinks he’s going to see her randomly, but he’s starting to get better, well, some days.

“One day at a time,” Sirius offers. “Why don’t you check on Harry and I’ll make us breakfast?”

“Sounds good.”

It doesn’t take long for James to get Harry ready for the day and them to be sitting together with Sirius at the breakfast table.

“So, I was thinking … maybe we should go out today,” Sirius offers.

“I don’t want to go out anywhere,” James states. Aside from the questioning at the Ministry and the Funeral, James hadn’t wanted to go out into the world that has spent the last week celebrating, calling his son a hero, and completely ignoring Lily’s death. It was painful to hear about parties and celebrations in the last week when he’s mourning the death of his wife and the woman he planned to spend the rest of his life with.

“I know, but we need things – you and Harry need things like clothes and such,” Sirius states. “And – and it could be good to get out a bit.”

James shrugs, “We don’t need anything, Harry has clothes here and I can borrow yours.”

“What about toys and books? And yes, you can continue borrowing my clothes, but wouldn’t it be nice to have your own?” Sirius offers.

James shrugs, again.

“James, you need your own things,” Sirius states, firmly. James distracts himself by helping Harry feed himself, which Sirius immediately sees through. “James, what’s going on? It’s just a trip to some stores.”

James knows that Sirius won’t let him just ignore the problem, so he looks over at him, “They’re … still celebrating.”

Sirius looks down, “I – I know, but I would never bring you somewhere that would face that – I figure we typically wear muggle clothes around the flat, so…”

James chuckles, relieved, “I should’ve known better than to think you’d put me in that position.”

Sirius looks up at him, “I get it, you’ve been through a lot, but I would never put you in a position to watch people practically dancing on her grave – I couldn’t deal with it, I’d never expect you to.”

“Thanks, Sirius. You’ve been so great… taking care of us.”

“You’re my best friend, and my godson/son given the blood adoption we did just after he was born, I’m here for you, as long as you’d let me be.”

“It may be a while,” James replies, knowing that he can’t see moving past what happened anytime soon. “It’s – it’s…”

“A long process,” Sirius finishes for him. He gives him a smile. “And you can and should stay here as long as you like.”

“Thanks, Pads.”

“You’re welcome, Prongs.”

***

December 18th, 1981

James wakes groggily a week before Christmas. In the weeks since Halloween, he’d had good days and bad days, some days he’d being doing just fine, and then he’d see Harry do something adorable and find himself yelling for her to come see only for her to never come. Then he’d get all upset and the moment would be ruined. All he could think about is how he should’ve been there, how he should’ve saved her, how he didn’t deserve to be here when she wasn’t. He thought about Harry growing up without her, it breaks his heart. Moments like those always led to James wanting to curl up in a ball and ignore the world.

James was lucky that Sirius could and did step in to take care of Harry whenever he fell down the niffler hole. On days when James couldn’t get out of bed and take care of himself, Sirius stepped in. He took of James and Harry, something that James truly appreciated.

Today had been one of his bad days. He’d woken up that morning in the worst mood and couldn’t get out of bed. Sirius, as always, assured him that he would take care of Harry and gave him a potion to help him sleep. It appeared the potion had lasted for most of the afternoon as the clock by the bed read 3:37 PM.

Groaning, he gets up and pulls on some sweats and a t-shirt as he likes to sleep in just his pants and decides to find Sirius and Harry. He expected to find them in the sitting room or Harry’s room (as there wasn’t a lot of room in the flat), but he can’t see them anywhere.

Just as he begins freaking out, worried that something had or would happen to them, the front door opens and it’s Sirius with Harry in his arms. “Sirius!” James yells, all worried. He hugs them, relieved that they’re perfectly fine.

“James, what’s wrong?” Sirius asks as he hands Harry over to him and brings out his wand to resize some shopping bags. “Did something happen?”

“I woke up and you were gone,” James states as if it were obvious that he’d lose his mind just because Sirius wasn’t within the flat when he woke up. He moves to the couch and sits with Harry in his arms, eyeing both of them to make sure they’re unharmed.

“I left you a note,” Sirius offers. “It’s a week from Christmas, I wanted to go shopping…”

“What if something happened?” James asks, brushing off the holiday mention. He didn’t want to celebrate without Lily, not this close to her death.

“We went shopping, James. We weren’t even gone more than a couple of hours,” Sirius offers as he puts his shopping bags by the Christmas tree and then moves to make some tea. “Why are you freaking out?”

James frowns. Why was he freaking out? He doesn’t even know why – he just knows that when he last left his family or they weren’t in his sights, he’d lost Lily and could’ve lost Harry and Sirius. He couldn’t lose them, too, and he can’t protect them if they just leave, and he doesn’t know where they are. “There was less than an hour when … it happened.”

Sirius sighs, “I’m sorry, James. It’s much safer now… I – I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking it would be a problem as long as I left a note.”

James doesn’t say anything as he looks at Harry, who he’s sitting with on the couch. He knew it wasn’t rational. Logically, a lot had happened in the last few weeks, things were safer with Voldemort gone, but he couldn’t help thinking about how he’d been gone for less than an hour when Voldemort attacked… and sure, they weren’t banking on a secret-keeper at the flat, they had other protections as the flat had once belonged to Sirius’ uncle Alfred, who had warded it as strongly as the Black townhouse in London.

He’s quiet as Sirius brings him some tea, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, but we should talk about…”

“I don’t want to.”

“We need to,” Sirius states, giving him a knowing look. “I don’t want you freaking out every time I leave the flat.”

“I don’t want you to leave the flat without me,” James states, plainly. That was it. He knows that it’s irrational to expect Sirius to agree not to leave the flat without him, but he has to tell him what’s going on with him. Sirius doesn’t look surprised but does look confused.

“Why not?” Sirius questions. “I told you it’s better now.”

“Because I can’t protect you or Harry if something happens and I’m not there.”

“I can protect myself,” Sirius offers.

“So could Lily,” James retorts and he can see the look dawn on Sirius’ face. Sirius had always been certain of himself – they both had. Untouchable and unbreakable, but the events of Halloween had taught him that they weren’t untouchable or unbreakable and he couldn’t let something happen to Sirius and Harry like what happened to Lily.

“Oh, James. I’m sorry –” Sirius shakes his head; he clearly hadn’t been as worried about something happening to any of them now that the war was over. “I won’t leave again unless you’re wide awake and okay with it.”

“I – I know it’s irrational.” James sighs relieved a bit that Sirius would at least talk to him before leaving next time. “I just can’t – can’t get the idea that if I’d been there…”

“You would’ve been gone, too,” Sirius says. “And I couldn’t imagine going on without you… losing Lily has been bad enough, but if Harry and I had lost you both…”

James nods, he understands. He’d be even more of a mess if it weren’t for Sirius, and he knows Sirius would be too. Luckily, they’re together and Harry could have a normal life with them. “I just … I already lost Lily; I can’t lose you too.”

Sirius nods, “I understand. As I said, you and I, we’ll talk about it before either of us leave the flat, okay?”

James nods, again. “I know it might seem like a bit much but …”

“It’s doesn’t, James,” Sirius assures him. “You’ve been through a lot and given everything, it makes perfect sense that you’re a little hesitant to let Harry and I go anywhere without you. I understand, really.”

“Thank you for understanding,” James states, and then glances at the shopping bags by the tree. “Would you be understanding about Christmas, too? It just…”

“It’s hard to celebrate with her gone, so we don’t have to treat it as all that special. We’ll still have some gifts to open, but we don’t have to sing carols or have a special dinner, it can just be a regular night for the three of us. Sound good?”

James nods, “Sounds great, thanks, Si.”

“Anything for you, Jay.”

***

January 31st, 1982

Time hadn’t made things any better for James. Some days were good, some days were bad, but he stayed the same with his fear of letting Sirius and Harry out of his sight and of going out in public. The only time the three of them left the flat was for supplies (as James couldn’t let Sirius go out alone, but didn’t want to go out either), which he knew wasn’t fair to Sirius who had a life before Halloween that James had effectively crashed. As evidenced by the conversation he was spying on.

It was late, after eleven when Kingsley came calling. “I’m sorry it’s so late.”

“No worries, I was still up, I just got Harry down to sleep.”

“This late?”

“He’s been struggling with sleep for months; it wasn’t that he hadn’t gone to bed at a normal time. It’s that he woke up from what I assume to be a nightmare because he’s always calling out of his mum, and I had to get him back to sleep.”

Suddenly, James feels guilty that he’s wallowing while his son is also hurting. He should be more concerned about him and not leave it all up to Sirius. He should be the one that gets up with Harry when he’s crying from nightmares.

“I’m sorry. It must be rough.”

“It is but I love him, and he needs me.”

“So, I suppose that answers my question then.”

Question? James wonders, he hadn’t heard a question.

“You’ve asked once a week for the last few months and the answer hasn’t changed, Kings.”

There’s a heavy sigh. “It’s been three months.”

“I know. I also know that I’ve got a toddler to take care of…”

“What about James? As his father…”

“James is going through a rough time right now. Some days are better than others, but you can’t expect it to be as easy as just going on with life which I’ve already told you before when you first asked me to come back.”

“Maybe just a small step, maybe just part time?”

“I can’t guarantee which days would be good days.”

“What if it was a floating schedule. Every morning you could check in via floo and…”

“No, Kingsley. It’s not just that I worry about good or bad days, he also doesn’t like me out of his sight because he’s worried about something happening to me and I can’t make his anxiety worse by leaving for a dangerous job every day. I need more time.”

“Okay. I figured it didn’t hurt to ask.”

“It doesn’t. I just hope you understand.”

“I do.”

After that James made his way back to their bedroom thinking hard about the conversation. It was obviously about Sirius going back to work at the Aurors. Sirius hadn’t mentioned it to him but if Kingsley was making weekly visits, he’d obviously been considering it and turning it down … due to James. Without even discussing it. He just continues to give up his life for James… taking care of him, letting him lay in bed while he watches over Harry… not leaving the house or going to work just because of James’ fears…

James was slowly ruining his life…

As Sirius makes it into the bedroom, he doesn’t seem to notice that James is awake as he undresses down to his pants and climbs into his side of the bed. Deciding that he had to tell Sirius that it was okay for him to go back to work if he wanted, even if James would struggle, he could, at least, be trying more considering all Sirius has done for him. He could let him have his life back. Sirius deserves that – he deserves better than giving up his life for James.

He rolls over to cuddle into Sirius and mumbles, “I’m sorry.”

“What’s that, Jay?”

Lifting his head to look at Sirius, he sighs, “I’m sorry for ruining your life.”

“You’re not ruining anything, James,” Sirius assures him. “Why would you think that?”

“Because you can’t go back to work due to my issues.”

Sirius laughs, “I don’t want to go back to work.”

“But you loved that job.”

“Yeah, before I realized that it interfered with my family. If I hadn’t worked that night, I would have been there with Lily when it happened.”

“And I would have lost you, too,” James says, freaking out a bit. Even the thought of that happening made him start to panic.

“Shhh, take a breath. I’m here, James, and I’m not going anywhere,” Sirius assures him, calming him down as he’s done many times before in the last few months.

After James gets his breathing under control he says, “It’s not fair that my issues are…”

Sirius ruffles his hair and pulls him close. “James, you’re my best friend, Harry is my godson/son and honestly, protecting others doesn’t mean a thing if I can’t protect my family. The war is over, countless Death Eaters are wading through trials but all I care about is making sure that you and Harry are safe. I’m in no hurry to go back if I ever go back. Right now, I just want to be here in this flat with the two of you.”

“You mean that?”

“I do,” Sirius states, sincerely. “Let’s just forget about Kingsley and the aurors and just focus on us, okay?”

“Okay.”

***

March 27th, 1982

James sighs, happily, for the first time in a long time. Sirius had insisted that they go out today, them and Harry, to this little kid’s indoor playground for James’ birthday. Of course, it had things for him and Sirius, too, but it was nice to get out and about. Nice to see other people, even if some of those people included single parents hitting on both of them – Sirius more than James due James’ wedding ring – but nonetheless, they’d both gotten plenty of attention.

It felt great. Especially given that it’s his birthday.

“Someone’s happy,” Sirius says, looking down at him, his fingers in James’ hair. James has his head in Sirius’ lap while on the couch, there’s some comedy on the telly and Harry’s already asleep in his crib.

“I am happy, Si,” James replies, smiling. “Today was good… great, even.”

“I’m glad,” Sirius smiles. “I wasn’t sure you’d go for it, but I wanted to try. You deserved to have a good birthday.”

“Well, thanks, but it reminds me that your birthday…”

“Was the day after the funeral,” Sirius finishes. “I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate any more than you were.”

James nods, absently. “Yeah, I – I know and it’s like almost five months late, but we should do something. Maybe … go out for the night or something?”

“Out where? It’d have to be somewhere child-friendly, as you’re pretty set against Harry being with anyone other than us and he can’t look after himself.”

James shrugs, “I – I want to suggest a babysitter, give you a break because even when I’m up for taking care of him, you’re still always helping, but…”

“You’re not ready for that,” Sirius finishes, reading his mind. Sirius knows James’ issues haven’t gone away, even if he’s having slightly more good days than bad days. He still can’t spend much time away from either Sirius or Harry. “I know, and it’s fine. I love Harry, and I like taking care of him… we’ll figure out another family outing soon and ‘celebrate’ my birthday many months later.”

James smiles, “You sure?”

“Of course.”

There’s a lull in conversation as James enjoys Sirius’ hands in his hair. He thinks about all of those women hitting on Sirius (which he found oddly irritating as he didn’t like the idea of someone else having Sirius’ attention) and remembering his promise to himself that he’d not get in the way of Sirius’ life (as much as he already is on a daily basis) offers, “You know, if – if you wanted to – to date instead, I could … handle a night without you.”

Sirius laughs, “James, you can barely handle an hour without me, but even if you could, I’m not interested in anyone. Why would you suggest that?”

“All those beautiful women…”

“Are women,” Sirius emphasizes. “You know I’m bent.”

James laughs, “Yeah, well, I thought you just preferred men but dated both?”

Sirius laughs, too. “I suppose if I really connected with a woman, I’d consider it, but I more than prefer men. Besides, I haven’t been attracted to anyone lately, especially women.”

“Hmm-mm, and if you were?” James prods. Wondering if one day he and Harry’ll have to share Sirius’ attentions.

“If I were, what?”

“Attracted to someone. Would you go on a date with them?” James questions.

Sirius is quiet for a minute or two before he answers, “Honestly, at this point in time, I’d probably do nothing.”

James frowns, “Because of me?”

Sirius sighs. “It’s not exactly because of you, but James, you just admitted that you can’t be without me for very long and we can never know if your bad days will crop up if I made a date, so… It’s better I wait. Besides, I don’t exactly have many blokes hitting on me and chatting me up.”

“Don’t know why, you’re bloody gorgeous,” James mutters, almost to himself. Sirius should have many blokes wanting him, it’s strange that he doesn’t, but it doesn’t make him feel a bit better that he doesn’t because he gets Sirius’ attention to himself.

Sirius laughs, “Well, thank you, I appreciate the compliment, but it doesn’t change things. There aren’t any men chatting me up.”

On one hand, James felt guilty that Sirius couldn’t live his own life due to James’ issues, which have not gotten much better in the last couple of months despite wanting to try, but on the other hand, the thought of Sirius with someone else felt like a knife to the heart and he couldn’t stand it. He wants Sirius to be happy, but he also wants him to himself.

“But if you did…” James starts.

Sirius laughs, “James, if I did meet someone, and I brought them over, don’t you think the date would end as soon as they realized we share a bed?”

James looks up at him confused. “I – I hadn’t… I could – we could… but I don’t…” He didn’t want to lose Sirius in his bed. He enjoys sleeping with him, cuddling with him, waking up to him every day, and can’t stand the thought of not having that anymore. Yet, James should offer the alternative in case Sirius would rather sleep alone.

“Relax, James,” Sirius says, running his hands through his hair more insistently. “I am more than happy to continue sleeping beside you, it’s nice and I enjoy it. I don’t want to make any changes to our living arrangements, but I have considered that these things would turn off any bloke that could be interested. So, I’d rather not be out there looking for anyone. Let’s just wait and cross that bridge when we get to it. Sound good?”

James relaxes. It did sound good, too good to pass up. He likes the idea of life staying exactly as is. “Yeah, sounds good, Si.”

“Good, now, it’s late, why don’t we go to bed?”

“Sounds good.”

***

July 31st, 1982

Harry’s second birthday. His first birthday with Sirius and without Lily. It hurt James to remember that Harry would never have another birthday with his mother. On the other hand, Sirius had stepped in as a second father (or Paddy as Harry likes to call him) and was doing a fantastic job. Lily would be proud of them continuing on for Harry together.

After James’ birthday, Sirius had decided that they would do whatever they could to get outside and be around people. Although James was still very much avoiding the wizarding world (everything magical was bought via owl order), he’d been more open to going to muggle places. Those places included a nearby park, which had a “mummy and me” class three days a week for stay-at-home mothers. Using his charm, Sirius had convinced them to let James and him join with Harry. Which is how Harry’s birthday (held at the park) was filled with kids for Harry to play with.

Sirius is busy trying to make everything run smoothly and yet, somehow looking good while chasing after rambunctious two-year-olds, while James looks on, smiling. As hard as it is to be without Lily on this special day, he can’t help thinking he’s so lucky to still have Sirius. What would he have done without him?

“You’re so lucky to have such a great husband,” a blonde-haired woman he thinks is named Jackie says from beside him. “I can’t get my husband to watch our son let alone plan something like this and be chasing two-year-olds around all day.”

Stunned, James opens his mouth to tell her that Sirius isn’t his husband, when another blonde woman he thinks is named Janet leans over and whispers something in her ear.

Blushing, she says, “I’m so sorry, I just assumed because you live together and Sirius talks about you and Harry as if you’re a family and … I’m so embarrassed.”

James shakes his head and tries to put her at ease. “It’s okay. Sirius and I have always been close, people used to joke that they had a bet on when we’d get together until my wife and I started dating…”

In school, everyone honestly believe he and Sirius had been dating for most of their Hogwarts years, laughing off James’ attempts to flirt with Lily because of it, and if he’s honest, had Sirius not laughed it off as ridiculous, they might’ve gotten together instead of him and Lily. Then again, he wouldn’t have his wonderful son if things had gone differently.

She nods, “You two are so in sync that it just fit, but I’m sorry for assuming.” She pauses, “As for your wife, I’m sorry for your loss and I’m glad you’re lucky enough to have someone like Sirius in your life. I can’t imagine any of my friends, not even a best friend, or even my sister, doing what he’s done for you. You’re lucky.”

Lucky. The thought of the conversation, which had continued and changed to discuss other less uncomfortable matters, had carried him throughout the rest of the party. All he could think about was how lucky he was to have Sirius and what would he do without him… what would he do if Sirius found someone else?

“Are you okay?” Sirius asks as they get ready for bed. “I know today must’ve been hard…”

James shakes his head. “Actually, it was… okay. Good, even. I mean, I wish she was here but at least we have you… and actually, one of the other mothers… Jackie, she um, reminded me that I… that we are so lucky to have you and I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked you…”

“Jay, you don’t have to thank me. I love you, I love Harry, I can still remember that day two years ago when I took Lily to the hospital and helped deliver that wonderful boy in there. I can still remember the moment you asked me to be his godfather. I can still remember the moment you asked me to blood adopt him just in case.” He pauses long enough to give James a quick hug. “I didn’t want anything to happen to either of you but I always knew something could happen. We knew there was a traitor, we knew Voldemort was after Harry, and I knew that if things didn’t go the way I wanted that I had to do whatever I could for Harry and you or Lily, if either of you survived. And I will continue doing everything I can for all of us.”

It warmed James’ heart that Sirius loved them so much that he would always do everything he could for them. “I don’t know how I got so lucky,” James replies, hugging him tightly.

“You?” Sirius laughs. “I’m the one that’s lucky. I’m lucky I met you when I was eleven and let you change my whole world. I’m lucky you gave me a chance when everyone else was wary of me due to my last name. I’m lucky that you chose me to be your best friend. And I’ve been bound and determined to be the best friend anyone could ask for ever since.”

“Well, you are and I guess… that makes us both lucky. All of us, really.” James grins. “Sorry I’m always getting all emotional on you.”

Sirius laughs, “Do you remember in third year when Regulus got sorted and caused this big scene about how we weren’t brothers anymore and I was a disgrace?”

James grimaces, how could he forget? Sirius spent the next week getting upset anytime they were alone (because he didn’t trust anyone else to know how broken he was) and James had to console him. He told him about how he didn’t care what others said, Regulus was lucky to have Sirius and if he didn’t want him then it was his loss and James’ gain. From then on Sirius was his and no one would ever hurt him, again.

“How could I forget? I’m still mad you wouldn’t let us prank him after that.”

Sirius grins. “Well, I got more than a little emotional on you with anything regarding my biological family, and you never got upset with me about it. So you’re more than welcome to get as emotional as you like.”

James laughs, “That’s good, considering.”

“It is and it makes us both insanely lucky.”

James smiles, “Yeah, yeah we’re lucky to have each other.”

“Now and forever,” Sirius says as they both crawl into bed.

“Forever,” James mumbles as he cuddles into Sirius. “I like the sound of that.”

“Me too.”

***

October 31st, 1982

James was furious as he storms into the house with an equally upset Sirius holding Harry. They’d just been by Lily’s grave and discovered a memorial for her with James and Harry that focused on Harry’s defeat of the dark lord and being the Boy-Who-Lived and memorialized the house for tours. How had he not known the display and spectacle they were making of Lily’s death?

And then to make matters worse, they were throwing a ball for Halloween to celebrate the defeat of Voldemort. It had been announced in the paper, which neither of them bothered looking at but had seen by the memorial along with far too many strangers added their own ‘good luck Harry’ notes to it.

“I can’t believe this,” James spits angrily. “You didn’t know about this, right?”

“Of course not,” Sirius assures him as he places Harry in the playpen. “I haven’t been talking to anyone in the wizarding world for some time now. I didn’t think they would make such a spectacle. I assumed it had died down after the parties.”

“Well, it didn’t! How could they be so careless, disrespectful, and disgusting to do that?!”

“I don’t know but we have been sort of hiding in the muggle world, maybe people didn’t consider how callous it is.”

“And that makes it okay?!” James demands.

“No, of course not but we didn’t know so we had no way to make sure that no one did anything like that.”

“So what do we do about it?”

Sirius frowns. “I’m not sure. The ministry, maybe? Or a lawyer? I think my cousin Andy’s a lawyer, I could try there.”

“Contacting a lawyer and starting anything with the Ministry is going to take forever,” James scoffs, but at least it was something.

Sirius offers him a hug, which makes him feel a lot better. “It’s the best I can do for now, but I promise. I will figure something out.”

“You always do,” James sighs. “I’m sorry I yelled.”

“I can take it.” Sirius assures him. “You’re upset. We both are.”

James reluctantly nods. “It’s just not fair.”

“I know,” Sirius agrees. “But we can still do something in her honor here.”

“Something in her honor?” James questions. He supposed that would be okay.

“Yeah, you know we could make her favorite Halloween snack and watch her favorite movie. Maybe plan a prank on whoever’s idea it was to build that magical statue and do the tours. She used to secretly and not so secretly love our pranks. She’d cheer wherever she is to see us up to no good.”

James chuckles, “Yeah, she would.”

Sirius grins, “Then let’s do it.”

***

November 3rd, 1982

James smiles as he watches his best friend chasing Harry around as Padfoot in the yard of his cousin Andy’s house. He’d been determined to make sure that Sirius had a good birthday this year to make up for last year and the only thing Sirius wanted was to be reunited with his cousin and spend the day having fun at some kiddie thing. They’d come back to the house after dinner for games and Sirius favorite game was playing as Padfoot.

“It looks like he’s enjoying himself,” Andy offers from beside him.

“Yeah, he does,” James grins.

“You should let him come out to play more,” Andy adds half teasing and half serious.

“Let him?” James questions, uncertainly. It’s not like Sirius is his pet that he keeps under lock and key. “He’s not actually a dog, Andy.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Andy laughs. “But I meant that he doesn’t go out without you and because you don’t like going anywhere…”

James frowns. Although he had been doing a lot better there was no denying that he still clung to Sirius like a child, not wanting to be without him, ever, and hadn’t considered that Sirius was getting offers to go places and turning them down for James. “I hadn’t realized…”

Andy shrugs, “I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m just saying that maybe it couldn’t hurt to loosen the leash a little.”

“I wasn’t just trying to keep him on a leash,” James assures her. He doesn’t want Sirius to feel like he’s on some sort of tether, only allowed to do things if James gives permission. It’s wrong and unfair to Sirius, who means the world to him. “It’s just… I – I don’t want to – want to lose him.”

“I don’t think you’re in danger of losing him if he goes out every once in a while or can spend time with other people.”

“I don’t tell him that he can’t…” James trails off. Since James wanted to have Sirius around all the time, but not spend time with other wizards, it was sort of a mild message to him that he can’t spend time with others. Which isn’t fair, even if James really did prefer that Sirius spend more time with him and Harry than anyone else. Maybe he should be doing more than just going out with their muggle friends and the ‘mummy and me’ class every so often. Maybe he could make the effort to ask Sirius what he wants to do and encourage him to do what he wants to do.

Before she can respond or continue the conversation, almost as if he knows they’re talking about him, Sirius comes bounding over and pulls on James’ sleeve, clearly meant to drag him into the yard to play. Relieved to be pulled away from Andy, he plays fetch with Sirius as Tonks (Andy’s daughter that hates her name) and Harry try to beat him to the ball. Sometimes he lets them and sometimes he beats them just because he can.

They end up playing for another hour or so before Harry starts yawning and being cranky, which results in Sirius transforming and deciding that it was time to go home. Once home, James offers to take care of Harry since Sirius shouldn’t have to given that it’s his birthday, but Sirius laughs.

“I like taking care of Harry, but if you insist, I’ll transform, and he can cuddle into me until he falls asleep while you read the story.”

James grins as Sirius does just that in the sitting room, leaving James to read Harry’s story. Harry’s so tired from their very eventful day that he falls asleep within minutes. Smiling James takes a picture of the two of them before picking Harry up and moving him to his crib, which he’s starting to get a little big for.

“So, what did Andy say to you?” Sirius asks the moment that James returns to the sitting room.

“Nothing,” James lies. It wasn’t like she was wrong, so there’s no reason that he should mention it to Sirius.

“Jay, I know you better than that.”

James sighs, “It was … nothing, really. It’s not like we got very far, you interrupted.”

“Then where was it going if I hadn’t interrupted?”

“It was – she pointed out that because of me… you don’t go out with any friends or family, that I’m the reason that you aren’t …very happy.”

Sirius scoffs, “And you think she’s somehow right?”

“Well, you haven’t been this happy in a while…” James starts, and he had asked to see her for his birthday out of the possibilities of outings.

“James, she knows very little about me. I hadn’t seen her since she left Hogwarts – well, at least not often enough for her to know anything about my happiness.”

James shrugs, “Even if she’s misguided about your happiness, it is kind of true.”

Sirius shakes his head, “Let me make myself clear: I am happy. I am happy here with you and our son. I don’t need or want to be a part of the wizarding world right now, and yes, it’s been a rough year, but honestly? It’s been rough because we’ve both been hurting and Harry spent most of the last year having nightmares that I couldn’t seem to soothe for a long time. He’s finally getting better as are you and that contributes to my happiness.”

Despite Sirius’ words of assurance, James is still a bit uncertain. “So I’m not stopping you from…”

Sirius rolls his eyes, “I suppose that it’s a fair argument because you’ve been a little clingy, but honestly, I haven’t wanted to go anywhere without you and Harry.” He pauses, “You’re not the only one struggling with being a little clingy.”

“You’ve never acted clingy,” James states, confused.

“You haven’t noticed because you voiced your clinginess first. The only time I felt somewhat safe about it has been when you were asleep, safe in this flat, and I had Harry with me,” Sirius explains.

“Oh.” James is honestly relieved. “You – you really mean that?”

“I do,” Sirius states. “You two are the most important people in my life and as much as I appreciate Andy, the truth is, we barely know each other. She’s a decade older than me and it’s not like she reached out to me about my Gryffindor-ness or running away. Sure, we’ve talked a handful of times, but honestly, she doesn’t know enough to make any sort of statement about my happiness. She’s only my favorite cousin because the others suck.”

James nods, smiling, “That’s good to know, but still, I suppose I should loosen the leash a little and if you want –”

“Woah, wait, did you just say ‘loosen the leash’?” Sirius demands, clearly upset. “You don’t have me on a leash like your pet. Did she say that?”

James frowns, worried that Sirius is upset with him. “Well, I – yeah, but I think it’s just a metaphor…”

“I don’t care. I am not a pet, and you don’t have me ‘on a leash’ in any sense of the word.”

Sirius is angry as he gets up and paces. James could tell how angry he is, but he can’t figure out why. He’d never reacted that way when James used to tease him about collaring Padfoot in school. “I don’t think she meant anything by it.”

“But she did.” Sirius runs a hand through his hair and sits beside him, “It’s what we used to call living by the family rules. ‘Being on a leash’.” He shakes his head, “To equate me as being on a leash just because I’m choosing you and Harry and our life in the muggle world and I don’t want to go back to being an auror or being a bachelor is not okay.”

James frowns, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s not you, it’s her. Sometimes, I think she forgets that other people make other choices she might not approve of and it’s not her business.”

“Still, it’s your birthday and…”

Sirius sighs, smiling a bit, “It’s been my best birthday in years, ever since your parents gifted me with a family watch on my seventeenth birthday. Don’t worry, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” James asks, worriedly.

“Yeah, it just means that we won’t be hanging out with her for a while, and I’ll contact someone else about the situation with the gravesite.”

James nods, “If you’re sure.” Sirius nods. “Oh, well, in that case, I suppose we should go to bed because I’m a bit tired.”

“Yeah, I suppose we should.”

“Then bed it is.”

***

December 31st, 1982

They were at a New Year’s Eve party. A party that some of the parents of Harry’s little class were throwing, which included the kids being babysat all night by one of the older kids. Sirius had rigged a bracelet for Harry to wear so that the two of them could feel comfortable enough to let loose and have fun for a while without worrying about Harry being away from them.

In light of Andy’s comments nearly two months previously, James had begun insisting that they go out sometimes and that Sirius had some time off even if he didn’t want it. It was difficult to allow that to happen, but James had more good days than bad days in the last two months and he loved Sirius enough to know that he was being rather selfish if he doesn’t try and put Sirius’ potential needs first every once in a while. Especially because he was doing so much better now.

Despite Sirius’ recently going out on his own, they’re both stag for the night, which might be good considering the amount of gentlemen that are hitting on Sirius tonight. He could admit to himself that he gets why men would be interested in the fine man that Sirius is. Completely gorgeous, great personality, and such a wonderful father to Harry. He’s the total package.

James’ only problem is that if someone else realizes that Sirius is a great catch than he’d lose Sirius’ attention and eventually wouldn’t be number one (or two as Harry’s number one in both their lives) anymore. He wants to be Sirius’ everything. He wants to be Sirius’ number one always. He doesn’t like the thought of potentially losing Sirius or the thought of someone else in Sirius’ bed with him. That was James’ spot, and he never intends to give it up.

“He’s something special, huh?” Jackie asks, as she moves beside James, who’s watching Sirius dance with one of the men that had been flirting with him.

“He is,” James grins.

“Gorgeous, too.”

“He’s always been ridiculously gorgeous,” James isn’t afraid to admit.

“Hmm-mm, always?” Jackie prompts.

“Yeah, I remember in school how’d he look good doing anything, even just rolling out of bed. And he’s only gotten better looking with age,” James states. “There’s nothing like waking up to that face every morning.”

Jackie smiles, “You two share a bed, right?”

James nods, “There’s only two rooms in the flat, one’s for Harry so…”

“And you didn’t consider twin beds or a cot or something?”

James shrugs, not getting what she’s aiming at. “I mean, I like… cuddling and Sirius is great at it and – and you know, it’s normal…”

She outright laughs, “No, it’s not.”

James gives her a look, “Of course it is.”

“Only if you’re interested in the other person and just afraid to say so.”

James nearly drops his cup, “I’m a widow…”

“And it’s been over a year, and you’re doing better… surely, you’ve begun to notice other people, particularly the man who’s basically acting like a spouse already.”

It’s true, James knows. Sirius basically acts like Lily in regards to their home, their bed, their child, and yet, there’s one thing missing: the romance. Sure, he knows that he doesn’t want to lose Sirius, and yeah, he does think Sirius is attractive to him, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants Sirius as a spouse.

“He is … everything I ever wanted,” James admits. Despite knowing that he didn’t want Sirius to be with anyone else or for their current home life to change, he hadn’t quite realized that it’s because he’s somehow started to see Sirius as his spouse. He’s realized that he wants to know what it’d be like if he kissed Sirius, if he could rake his eyes over Sirius’ body, and follow through with his hands and lips… everything. He wants to be with Sirius in more than a friend way, but he hasn’t quite admitted that out loud since he doesn’t believe Sirius is interested in him.

“Then why don’t you do something about it?” Jackie asks.

James shrugs, “He doesn’t – doesn’t think of me like that.”

“Really? You think so?”

“You don’t?” James questions, raising his eyebrows at her.

“Well, ever since we met, every time I’ve seen you together, he’s always only has eyes for you.” She glances over at the dance floor, and says, “Like right now.”

He looks over at the dancing couples, too, and sure enough there’s Sirius looking over at him. Smiling a little uncertainly, but smiling nonetheless. “I don’t know, if he loved me like that wouldn’t he say something by now?”

She shrugs, “Maybe he’s trying to respect your wife. Some widows need some time, and he wouldn’t want to push and ruin things, yeah?”

“It’s possible,” James offers.

“At least consider it, it’d be nice to see you two together and happy as you could be.”

“I’ll think about it.”

***

March 27th, 1983

Ever since his talk with Jackie, James had literally thought of nothing other than his interest in Sirius. All he wanted was to take an opportunity – any opportunity – to kiss him, but he kept chickening out. He’d also been badly flirting with him over the last few months.

The pair of them had always been easily affectionate ever since they met: ruffling each other’s hair, constantly giving each other hugs, practically draped over one another when hanging out, an arm always slug around the other, cheek kisses that were ‘always platonic’, sharing beds whenever they felt like it, and light touches whenever they could. Everyone always commented on it, especially once he’d gotten together with Lily. Most people thought that she should’ve put a stop to it. (Although if she had, James would’ve broken up with her). Luckily, she understood. They were a package deal and just normally affectionate.

The problem that James has been facing now and in the last few months is that Sirius doesn’t find any of those things strange or flirtatious when coming from James. Every day, he’d wake up and kiss his cheek, he’d go to get Harry while Sirius cooked and do it again with a slight hug as Sirius says good morning to Harry, and Sirius didn’t find any of it different. He just kept going as if nothing had changed, other than noting that James hadn’t had any bad days in months.

In fact, James had been doing so well that one of the other mums had asked if now that he was on his feet he was going to move to a cottage with a yard and more space. The thought of leaving Sirius had nearly caused a panic attack, but then Jackie had pointed out that this was his opportunity to send a message to Sirius that he may want him as more than a roommate, that if they had more room and he still wanted to share a bed with him would clearly send an I fancy you message.

Thus, he decided to bring it up this morning after Sirius puts breakfast on the table and wishes him a happy birthday.

“So, I was thinking… we should move.”

“Move?” Sirius questions, clearly shocked. “Why?”

“Well, things have been going well lately and Harry’s getting bigger… it would be nice for him to have a yard to play in and more space for him to have his friends over.”

Sirius appears to recover from the suddenness of his statement, and sighs. “Right, of course. When do you want to do this?”

“Well, we didn’t have many plans today other than a special dinner you had planned… maybe we could start looking around today… I mean it’s a process, it takes time.”

“Time. Of course,” Sirius breathes, looking like he’s panicking a bit. Why would Sirius panic about this? “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“It’s just moving to a house,” James shrugs. It’s not like much would change. In fact, he’s certain that nothing would change aside from more space and hopefully more than just sleeping in the bed. Sex with Sirius had invaded his mind more than once in the last few months… he’s a little embarrassed to admit that he definitely wanked to fantasies of Sirius, and it’d be nice if those fantasies became a reality.

“Yeah, but…” Sirius stops obviously uncertain something because he looks like something’s not quite right with him.

Concerned, James asks, “Are you okay?”

“Oh, of course.” He grins at James, trying to look happy, but the smile doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “Just surprised that’s all but I’m glad you’re looking forward to the future.”

“Good,” James smiles. “Because I truly am looking forward to the future for the first time in a while and I’m happy… all thanks to you.” He winks because he’s thinking of his attraction to Sirius as part of the reason, the possibility of being with him has given him the chance of a happy future with the three of them – no worries about someone stealing him away.

Sirius barks out a laugh, “Yeah, well, I think you should credit yourself more than me. After all, I just did what any best mate would do.”

James smiles. “You did more than just any best mate, you’re the best best mate around.”

Sirius just laughs but at least he knows James appreciates him.

***

June 27th, 1983

Months of house hunting with Sirius, who kept vetoing every one of James’ favorite houses with one reason or another, had given him a headache. It was like Sirius just didn’t want to move.

Just as the realtor decides to leave them alone to discuss the potential house, which is utterly perfect in his eyes, Sirius opens his mouth… and James cuts him off.

“You are not going to say anything negative about this house.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything negative… you could just do better.”

“Better?” James questions. “This, like all of the other houses, is almost perfect.”

“Pfft, perfect,” Sirius scoffs, clearly unhappy. “Perfect white picket fence life.”

“What’s wrong with living in a neighborhood with friends for Harry and actually befriending our neighbors? I mean, what’s wrong with normal? Is that not what you wanted when you signed us up for mummy and me?”

“Normal is great,” Sirius says, thinly. “I’m sure you’ll be very happy with your normal life, normal house and normal kid… you might even …” he stops. Obviously whatever he planned to finish with had likely been the real issue Sirius is having.

James frowns, “What’s wrong with you? You’ve been on a tear throughout this entire process.”

Sirius shrugs, “Maybe I just feel like I don’t need to be here shopping for your house, so I’m just wasting time because you won’t look without me.”

“My house?” James blinks. Did Sirius assume he was moving out on him?

“Uh, yeah, it would be your house…”

Apparently. “Sirius, when I said I wanted to move, I assumed that we as in you, me and Harry were moving. Not just me and Harry.”

Sirius gives him a stunned look. “You… what… you said you wanted to move out.”

“No, I said I wanted to move to a bigger place for Harry to play.” James pauses, “I even said we …”

“Yeah, I thought ‘we’ was you and Harry…”

James gives him a hug which is awkward with Harry in his arms. “You’re my best mate, you’ve been helping to raise our son, I can’t – I won’t – raise Harry without you.”

Sirius smiles for the first time that day. “I’m such a dunce.” He looks around. “This place really is great. I just didn’t want to lose you…”

James smiles, “Well, you won’t lose me. I figured by now you’d realize you’re stuck with me.”

“Not you,” Sirius teases. “Just kidding.”

“So, are you comfortable with this being our new home?”

Sirius smiles, “I think we’ll love it here.”

“Good.”

***

July 15th, 1983

Moving day. James is thrilled to be moving into their new house and hopefully being able to make Sirius realize his feelings are not purely platonic. Since it takes multiple trips even with magic, they agreed to have Sirius take and organize the things in the house, while James packs and watches Harry in the play in the play pen with his stag and dog stuffed toys.

It took the better part of the day, but once things were all set, James finally gets the call from Sirius on the mirror to come on home. Gleefully, James shrinks the last few boxes, gets Harry, and apparates home.

“Welcome home!” Sirius grins.

“Paddy!” Harry yells, excitedly having not seen Sirius most of the day and wishing to be with him. James sets him down and the nearly three-year-old starts running for Sirius.

Sirius laughs, as he squats down and gets a giant hug, “You want to see your new room?”

“Yeah!”

“Then let’s go,” Sirius offers. Then he looks up at James, “Go ahead, look around, feel free to re-organize.”

“Will do.”

With that, Sirius helps Harry as he walks up the stairs as he still struggles a bit with them, as James looks around. The first floor has the kitchen, sitting room, dining room, drawing room and a playroom. Everything is set up so well that it clearly reflects the two of them and their son so well, better than even the house James had shared with Lily as when they were decorating, he had always caved more to her ideas.

He heads up the stairs to the second floor which has four bedrooms. At the top of the stairs, he sees three of the rooms have beds in them, which surprises him. He figured they would possibly turn the two other rooms into something else for the time being as he didn’t think they intended to have any overnight guests. Peaking into the room that was not the master or Harry’s room to see what’s in there.

Inside he finds a few things on the walls, clothes in the wardrobe, and other items that all screams Sirius. Why were Sirius’ things in this room and not the master?

“Hey, I thought I saw you come in here. What are you doing in my room?” Sirius questions from the doorway.

James turns to look at him, completely confused as to why Sirius would give himself a different room. “I – I thought we’d … share the Master bedroom, why is your stuff in here?”

Sirius frowns, “Uh, James, the flat didn’t have enough space for separate rooms, but you know… this one does and so I just assumed…”

“But I want to share the Master… with you,” James states, plainly. He definitely didn’t want to go back to sleep alone. He wants to be with Sirius and if Sirius moved into his own room, it would be a lot harder to show him that. “I don’t want you to move into the room next door…”

Sirius sighs, “James, I – I have enjoyed share my room with you, but … we aren’t married, and we aren’t together and … we’re just friends and it’s… it’s weird…”

James frowns, clearly the only way to get Sirius back to a share a room with him was to tell him that he wanted to be more than friends and coparents with Sirius. This was his perfect opportunity to confess… “What if we were?”

“Were what?” Sirius asks, clearly confused.

“Were … more than friends,” James offers.

Sirius blinks clearly stunned and confused. “What? Are you… what?”

James crosses the room to be close to Sirius, “I’ve been flirting with you for … months because I realized that I – I fancy you and – and we’re such a good team together – nothing would change … except some fun stuff.”

“You fancy me,” Sirius questions, looking completely stunned. “You fancy me? For months?”

James nods, smiling slightly. “I mean … there’s a part of me that wonders if I – I had considered it in school… or if I’d clearer about my slightly interest then… but I was more gone on Lily and never considered telling you and –”

He’s cutoff by Sirius kissing him. He quickly wraps his arms around Sirius, pulling him close and deepening the kiss. It’s as amazing as he’d been imagining it, and he can’t believe he’s finally kissing him.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t last because he hears, “Daddy! Paddy!” and feels a little hand pulling on his jeans.

They pull back and look down at their son. “Hey buddy, what have you got there?” James asks, as Harry apparently has some toy in his little hands.

“It’s a dragon!” Harry yells, happily.

James looks at Sirius, who shrugs, “The kid deserves to start his dragon collection, I figured with the extra space, we could use one of the rooms to hide magical things from our muggle friends.”

James grins, “Yeah, I think we could. Especially since this room…”

“… will now be empty, too,” Sirius finishes for him, grinning. “But we should talk later.”

“We will.”

***

Of course later ended up being much later than anticipated because Harry had been too giddy about the new house to get to sleep. Sirius had anticipated the potential excitement and used Padfoot to chase him around and tease him to get him to spend his extra energy, and then later on, to help get him to sleep by letting Harry curl into him as James read him a story.

Finally, after some time, they had been able to get Harry all tucked in before retreating to their bedroom. James found himself being a little nervous as they are finally alone and can discuss the new and exciting situation of being together when Sirius immediately snogs him the minute the door closes.

Not complaining, James immediately wraps his arms around Sirius’ neck, his hands in his hair while Sirius does the same with James’ waist bringing them flush against each other and both clearly turned on given that he can feel the hardness in his pants and Sirius’ being this close to him.

He certainly doesn’t want this end as it’s something he’d been thinking about all day, but eventually they both need air. Sirius leans his forehead against James’, “Sorry, I just – I’ve been thinking about that all day – but I know we should talk first.”

“Talk?” James asks. “I don’t want to talk.” His eyes filter between Sirius’ eyes and lips, “I’d much rather keep doing what we were doing.”

Sirius laughs, “Me too, but this – this is going to affect how things have been and we should talk about it. I don’t want to risk what we have already for the potential relationship when we can talk it out, first, and make it work.”

James sighs, but admits that yes, they should discuss things. “In that case, you should probably not be within kissing distance if you want me to focus on talking.”

Sirius laughs and lets go of James causing James to do the same. He then moves over to the bed. “James, I – I told you the truth earlier, I’ve been fancying you for a very long time and – and I need to know are you just interested in me because of my raising Harry with you and it makes it easy – I mean, most of our friends assume we’re married and – and…”

“No, Sirius. This is not why I started fancying you. I would never use you or be interested in you just because you’re convenient, you’re so much more than that.” Sirius sighs, relieved, as James moves to sit beside him. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“You can tell me anything.”

“There was a part of me that fancied you in school. It was a relatively small part because I convinced myself that you’d never look at me like that and I didn’t want to ruin what we already had, but I did. I also happened to fancy Lily, a lot. So, when it came down to a choice, I went with the one that made me happiest – I could have both of you. I could have you as my best mate and Lily as my wife and life was perfect.”

Sirius laughs, “That’s exactly why I never told you. I was so afraid of losing you – so I just shoved it away.”

James nods, understanding. “And I think – at first, losing her – it sucked because I did – I do still love her, a part of me always will, but there’s another part of me that realized that I could love both of you. We have this chance to be together and I mean – I don’t want you to think of yourself as less because you’ve always sort of been number one for me and –”

Sirius kisses him cutting him off. “I wouldn’t think of myself that way. Lily always told me how important I was, she knew we were a package deal. Hell, I think she seriously considered inviting me into your marital bed more than once.”

James is surprised, “You think? Because that might’ve been…”

“The best situation for all of us? I get to have you, Lily gets to have you and you get twice the loving,” Sirius laughs. “I mean, she loved me, and I loved her, but I think it was platonic support for your craziness since I’m not all that into birds.”

“Hey!” James yells, pretending to be offended. “But yeah, basically. And I know she’s gone, so I think that we can definitely enjoy life together now, but without her.”

“I agree,” Sirius smiles. “I just wanted to be sure…”

“Well, did I help you then? Are we … together now?” James asks, bouncing up and down like a little kid on Christmas.

Sirius is grinning at him as he nods, “Yes. I’d like to be.”

“Good,” James answers before he snogs Sirius, moving into his lap and knocking him back on his back with him on top of Sirius. Sirius responds in kind for some time before James decides to pull back to pull his shirt off, which causes Sirius to stop him. “What? Don’t you… want me?”

“Yes, I do. You can likely feel how much I want you,” Sirius groans. “It’s just – we should do this right, take it slow and actually go on a date or two before you know – sleeping together.”

“Si, we sleep together every night,” James states, confused.

“Smart-arse,” Sirius states. “I – I just… I don’t want to rush into sex when we just kissed for the first time – if we rush, we could ruin in this – we have all the time in the world to get there… I just…”

“I never thought I’d hear you talk a bloke out of sex,” James laughs. “But I don’t want to screw this up either, so I’ll take you out, and treat you the way you should be treated.”

Sirius grins, “Don’t worry, I’m easy to please.”

“I know,” James grins. “But I hope you know, I still intend to be in just my pants when we sleep, so – you know, you might have a hard time keeping your hands to yourself.”

“Cute,” Sirius laughs. “Now, come on, it’s been a tiring day. We should get some sleep before our nearly three-year-old wakes up early as always.”

“Fair.”

#Sirius Black #James Potter #Harry James Potter #prongsfoot #getting together #past jily

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