came back just to post these. okay bye

Hi, I just want to vent: I've gotten huge amounts of backlash for posting my criticisms of Helluva Boss on reddit, especially about Stolas' and Stella's relationship-stating why I think it's a bad depiction of abuse etc. And while I've said things that were insensitive and out of line, I find it very hypocritical that many fans defend Vivziepop to high heaven and act like she's some kinda goddess of writing who can do no wrong.

It's clear to me that many fans are so passionately defensive of the writing because find Stolas and his experiences relatable, and thus they see any criticism of his character and how the abuse is written as a personal attack.

Not gonna mention any names, but I've seen certain people say things that basically dismiss all critics as "immature kids who don't get real mature art like Helluva Boss" and explain the inconsistensies and plot holes with handwaves that while plausible, ignore the rule of "show don't tell". It all feels like ass-kissing and refusing to acknowledge that your fave show has flaws to me.

I really hate the dismissal of any critics as "abuse apologists" when the show itself is terrible at handling the topic of abuse, plays abusive behavior for laughs and depicts things that are toxic as "cute".

I also want to add that some people have justified Stella's one-note personality by saying "real maturity is accepting that sometimes people are just jerks" I find that a shoddy excuse.

I don't believe that any person on the planet is a jerk for no real reason, because real people aren't political strawmen or enemies in a war-propaganda film designed to incite rage and disgust-they have reasons for their actions even if they are disagreeable. To me, the comfortable fantasy is believing that the people who hurt you are evil monsters who only exist to inflict misery, when the truth is that they are their own people with positive and sympathetic qualities like everyone else.

These are my thoughts, I would like to hear yours on what I said.

"Immature kids who don't get real mature art like Helluva Boss"

LMAO okay if that person considers Helluva Boss "mature art", I'm convinced they've never consumed any other media intended for an adult demographic, and therefore have nothing to compare it to. The only time Helluva felt like a show for adults (to me, anyway) was Moxxie and Millie's song in "Ozzie's", where they have the confidence to reaffirm for themselves that they don't need to be kinky to have a fulfilling sex life. That's a message actual adults can relate to and need to hear. But the rest of the show comes off like it was written by edgy teens who think they know how to balance comedy and drama just because they've seen BoJack Horseman. Spoilers- They don't.

You're allowed to like it, you're allowed to think it's a good show overall, but... mature? Is it really? C'mon now.

Here's the thing: When people know they have no argument, they start mischaracterizing their opponent's position so it's easier for them to take the moral high ground. Easier for them to "win". Oh, you're not a fan of this show? You must be an abuse apologist, or a homophobe. They make these claims despite having little to no evidence they're true, just so they can disregard reasonable criticism and retreat to their comfortable little bubble where no one disagrees with them.

And you see this kind of rabid defense whenever someone has developed such an unhealthy attachment to something they like that it's become a vital part of their identity. They feel, at least subconsciously, that any attack on that thing is an attack on them. Why do you think some sports fans throw a fit when their team loses?

This is partly why I feel it's important to criticize media you like in addition to media you don't, understanding that nothing made by human hands will ever be perfect. If you can get some emotional distance from it, you won't get heated every time someone expresses the tiniest beef with it. Because chances are, it might also be a criticism you've made.

But I think at this point it's best to just disengage. If someone's made their mind up on a particular topic, no amount of convincing will change it. Leaving the conversation (or not entering it in the first place) is always an option. Block that subreddit if you have to. If you think they're wrong, let them be wrong. In a few years, they might find some sense of identity outside the stuff they enjoy, or they might not. It's not really your concern. The only real winner in an internet argument is the one who has a life outside of it.

I'm hoping that your own enjoyment, or lack thereof, of s2 of Foundation isn't influencing me too much here, but I'm finding it a little less compelling than s1 so far.

I've already told you about my mixed feelings about time jumps and I think it's clearly playing a part in my own appreciation.

For once, I came to care a great deal about the previous iterations of Cleons. Between the idiotic Dawn and the sadistic Dusk, emotional Day was quite compelling. It's hard to let go of these three.

But what's really grinding me so far is the whole marriage thing. It's clearly revolutionary, given that their entire dynasty is named after the cloning process and the succession of identical men. But we're given that for dinner without so much as an appetiser. I think it would've worked better if we couldve seen the huge conflict, the discussions, the anger between the Cleons, before we meet the wannabe bride (that I don't like at all for what it's worth). It's not like passing bread. It's huge. It should feel momentous, and to me it doesn't...

Also... Isn't Demerzel's entire purpose about preserving the Cleonic Dynasty as it was envisioned by Cleon the First?! What's up with her being chill about this whole marriage and makin' babies business?!

Anyway. I'm starting episode 3 and I'm confused. To be continued.

FNG

Hello! Oh, yes - your perspective is super valid and I do hope it's not too coloured by my perception, though these things can be hard to avoid!

Placing my response under the cut in case of it being spoilery!

The time jumps - they are HARD. I think, the show is generally super aware that time skips make it difficult to root for characters, hence the whole Cleon continuum exists, and hence Gaal and Hari stories evolve differently than in the books (assume that post-early episodes in S1 with Hari's trial, the plot is "inspired" by the books).

I do miss Season 1 Cleons greatly - they had an interesting and well-balanced mixture of gravitas, messiness, ruthlessness and pettiness. This season's Cleons are definitely a basket case together (obviously, especially Day), and one does wonder what happened between Cleon 14 and 16 that had them end up in precisely this state.

Marriage plot is also frustrating me in the same manner - I would have preferred the build-up and rationale to be fleshed out a bit. Of course, at this point, you've watched Episode 5 so you KNOW how Sareth's family ended up dead, but I still find it unsatisfying from the perspective of understanding both Day's and Demerzel's motivations. I understand that it's likely that the show is building towards a GRAND REVEAL - but I am not a consumer of media who necessarily watches for the plot twists and reveals (I'm sure you're aware of my sourness over the necessity of the Sauron (very obvious) mysterious identity in ROP).

And yes, I also like you saying "given for dinner without an appetizer". SAME

Re: Demerzel - yeah, well... I suppose her reasons will reveal themselves by the end of the season...

quick thoughts on "grand unified theory of female pain" bc i promised myself to read critically and actually write down the thoughts i have about content i consume.

felt really seen by it. i am not a melodramatic person, but i am, and i always have been. my ex-boyfriend disdained me for crying over books we read in ap english lit. i spent a lot of high school crying over everything, every piece of media, often to the point where i'd make myself nauseous. i still do this, occasionally. i hurt, and i feel the hurt, and maybe i even revel in it.

on the flipside, i'm about to hit my 20s, and my therapist keeps having to remind me that i've been through a lot, so i should show myself some grace. i've stopped languishing in my wounds but overshot, to the point where i now refuse to process any trauma in the hopes of just being able to move on.

re: art. i haven't written any poetry since november. i've done some writing, some fanfic, some journaling. i've done a lot of work with choreography--fitting, since words seem to have failed me. fitting, too, that my last poem that i wrote and performed felt like a desperate cry for attention, that same feeling of look at my ribs, can you not see that i am struggling, that i am in so much pain? in the end, i don't think my pain was seen.

also, maybe another flipside, i've been saying i'm in my rom-com era this summer, and i mean it. i'm tired of being the girl you fuck but not the girl you date. i'm tired of "falling in love" with every boy but never really loving them. i like the fall; i struggle with the love, despite how much i want it. there's the wounds, in the way. my blood that i can't love, so how could anybody? that mental, emotional, physical, spiritual block.

so. finding a balance between acknowledging my pain and loving through it? there's a strategy i think i've developed, of feeding my pain to some beast inside of me, a thing i think of as separate but inextricably linked to who i am. last week, the homily went that if we, hasty humans, try to pull out the weeds that the devil has sown in our hearts, we will pull out the good wheat too, so we should wait for god to weed us, in his own time. in the meantime, then, what do i do with the beast?

in the meantime, listening to fiona apple and taylor swift and halsey and women who have been mocked for writing and making music about their wounds. if i can do that without shame, maybe i can start to learn to be unashamed of my own state of woundedness. i think that shame is the worst enemy of all.

your storytelling is honestly phenomenal. did you have lessons or did you learn it yourself through the years? and if you don't mind, could you share some tips for pacing?

HHHHHHHH HHBBBHHHH 

i really don’t know what to say i don’t know what to say i’m really flattered i just HHAAHHH 

i haven’t taken any lessons past my a-level in english literature and i did study animation in university. but i think most of it comes from consuming content and spending a bit of time dissecting why it resonates with me so much 

one thing that can be a curse but is really good for creating content is having a critical eye - there’s a lot of content that i find dissatisfying or underwhelming and instead of leaving it at that i always like to play script doctor and figure out why it isn’t working so i can avoid falling into that in my own work. 

(my biggest pet peeve in media is passive protagonists and an absence of motivation in characters - which is why most (read: all) the conflict in my writing comes from protagonists and their struggle addressing personal failings instead of any outside antagonists. it’s just what i’m interested in, on terms of storytelling)

personally a lot of sitcom comedies don’t work for me because the dialogue has to do the heavy lifting and not everyone will get the joke. but in media where emotions are dialled really high you’ll find a joke will land harder because, that’s it, the emotions are dialled so high. your body is primed for it. it’s not in it’s resting state. it’s why i like to pair comedy and emotional beats together. it’s a tough balance act, but both of them will land harder. 

similarly if there’s a joke that really lands for you, reverse engineer it and figure out what it is about it that makes it land so hard. 

it could be something so small and so stupid that just. lands so hard. 

and i’ll let it influence my own delivery 

i think the best advice i have to give is for you to take the media you love - media that you think really REALLY excels at what it’s doing and resonates with you specifically, and try and take a closer look at why that is. 

is it the dialogue? what about that dialogue works so much? me, i love really indirect dialogue that’s heavy on metaphor. dialogue that’s deflective. dialogue that kind of says more between the lines. 

is it the shot-types? this is where a lot of sitcom fall short for me - it’s all medium shot-reverse-shot, when there’s so much you can gain from a character through close-ups of hands, clothing, small mannerisms. and so much comedy you can get from the distance of a wide-shot. when a character is tiny on screen it’s hilarious. but not only hilarious, it could also be very alienating, or sad. shot variation is SO important. 

pacing is a tricky one, and i think a lot of the time it’s up to personal judgement. in a medium like comics i think you need to read comics that excel at it to learn how to bring it into your work. that’s more the domain of indie comics these days - recent comics i’ve read have honestly been terrible at this, and just want to fill the page with as much expository dialogue as possible (horrible) 

i won’t recommend anything because i truly think the most valuable media to dissect is the media that you specifically enjoy. so you can create something uniquely yours, that works for you. 

Nihilism is so easy, which is why we need to kill it

(I initially published this here a couple weeks ago.)

So last night it dawned on me that, after over two years of being relatively symptom-free, my depression snuck back up on me and has taken over. It’s still pretty mild in comparison to other times I’ve been stuck in the hole, but after 24 months (and more) of mostly being good to go, I can tell that it’s here for a hot minute again.

How do I know? Well, it might be the fact that I spent more time sleeping during my recent vacation from work than I did just about anything else, and how it’s suddenly really hard for me to stay awake during work hours. I don’t really have an appetite, and in fact nausea hits me frequently. I don’t really have any emotional reactions to things outside of tears, even when tears aren’t super appropriate to the situation (like watching someone play Outer Wilds for the first time). And I’ve been consuming a lot of apocalyptic media, to which the only response, emotional or otherwise, I can really muster is “dude same.”

For a long time I was huge into absurdist philosophy, because it felt to my depressed brain like just the right balance between straight up denying that things are bad (and thus we should fix them, or at least try to do so) and full-blown nihilism. This gives absurdism a lot of credit; mostly it’s just a loose set of spicy existentialist ideas and shit that sounds good on a sticker, like “The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”

In the last couple years, while outside of my depressive state, I went back to Camus’ work and found a lot of almost full-on abusive shit in it. Not toward anyone specifically, but shit like “nobody and nothing will care if you’re gone, so live out of spite of them all” rubs me the wrong way in retrospect. The philosophy Camus puts out opens the door for living in a very self-destructive fashion; that in fact the good life is living without care for yourself or anyone/anything else. The way Camus describes and derides suicide especially is grim as fuck, and certainly I would never recommend The Myth of Sisyphus to anyone currently struggling with ideation. That “perfect balance” between denial and nihilism is really not that perfect at all, and in fact skews much more heavily towards the latter.

Neon Genesis Evangelion has been a big albatross around my neck in terms of the media products I’ve consumed in my life that I believe have influenced my depression hardcore. It sits in a similar conversational space to Camus’ work, in that it confronts nihilism and at once rejects and facilitates it. A lot of folks remark that Evangelion is pretty unique – or at least uncommon – in its accurate portrayal of depression, especially for mid-90s anime properties. The thing I notice always seems to be missing in these discussions is that along with that accurate portrayal comes a spot-on – to me, at least – depiction of what depression does to resist being treated. This is a disease that uses a person’s rational faculties to suggest that nobody else could possibly understand their pain, and therefore there’s no use in getting better or moving forward. Shinji Ikari is as self-centered as Hideaki Anno is as I am when it comes to confronting the truth: there are paths out of this hole, but nobody else can take that step out but us, and part of our illness is that refusal to do just that. Depression lies, it provides a cold comfort to the sufferer, that there is no existence other than the one where we are in pain and there is no way out, so pull the blanket up over our head and go back to sleep.

Watching Evangelion for the first time corresponded with the onset of one of the worst depressive spirals I’ve ever been in, and so, much like the time I got a stomach virus at the same time that I ate Arby’s curly fries, I kind of can’t associate Evangelion with anything else. No matter what else it might signify, no matter what other meaning there is to derive from it, for me Eva is the Bad Feeling Anime™. Which is why, naturally, I had to binge all four of the Evangelion theatrical releases upon the release of Evangelion 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon A Time last month.

If Neon Genesis Evangelion and End of Evangelion are works produced by someone with untreated depression just fucking rawdogging existence, then the Eva movies are works produced by someone who has gone to therapy even just one fucking time. Whether that therapy is working or not is to be determined, but they have taken that step out of the hole and are able to believe that there is a possibility of living a depression-free life. The first 40 minutes or so of Evangelion 3.0+1.0 are perfect cinema to me. The world is destroyed but there is a way to bring it back. Restoration and existence is possible even when the surface of the planet might as well be the surface of the Moon. The only thing about this is, everyone has to be on board to help. Even though WILLE fired one of its special de-corefication devices into the ground to give the residents of Village 3 a chance at survival, the maintenance of this pocket ecosystem is actively their responsibility. There is no room or time for people who won’t actively contribute, won’t actively participate in making a better world from the ashes of the old.

There are a lot of essentialist claims and assumptions made by the film in this first act about how the body interacts with the social – the concept of disability itself just doesn’t seem to have made it into the ring of safety provided by Misato and the Wunder, which seems frankly wild to me, and women are almost singularly portrayed in traditionalist support roles while men are the doers and the fixers and the makers. I think it’s worth raising a skeptical eyebrow at this trad conservative “back to old ways” expression of the post-apocalypse wherever it comes up, just as it’s important to acknowledge where the movie pushes back on these themes, like when Toji (or possibly Kensuke) is telling Shinji that, despite all the hard work everyone is doing like farming and building, the village is far from self-sufficient and will likely always rely on provisions from the Wunder.

As idyllic as the setting is, it’s not the ideal. As Shinji emerges from his catatonia, Kensuke takes him around the village perimeter. It’s quiet, rural Japan as far as the eye can see, but everywhere there are contingencies; rationing means Kensuke can only catch one fish a week, all the entry points where flowing water comes into the radius of the de-corefication devices have to be checked for blockages because the water supply will run out. There is a looming possibility that the de-corefication machines could break or shut down at some point, and nobody knows what will happen when that happens. On the perimeter, lumbering, pilot-less and headless Eva units shuffle around; it is unknown whether they’re horrors endlessly biding their time or simply ghosts looking to reconnect to the ember of humanity on the other side of the wall. Survival is always an open question, and mutual aid is the expectation. Still: the apocalypse happened, and we’re still here. The question Village 3 answers is “what now?” We move on, we adapt.

Evangelion is still a work that does its level best to defy easy interpretation, but the modern version of the franchise has largely abandoned the nihilism that was at its core in the 90s version. It’s not just that Shinji no longer denies the world until the last possible second – it’s that he frequently actively reaches out and is frustrated by other people’s denials. He wants to connect, he wants to be social, but he’s also burdened with the idea that he’s only good to others if he’s useful, and he’s only useful if he pilots the Eva unit. This last movie separates him and what he is worth to others (and himself) from his agency in being an Eva pilot, finally. In doing so, he’s able to reconcile with nearly everyone in his life who he has harmed or who has hurt him, and create a world in which there is no Evangelion. While this ending is much more wishful thinking than one more grounded in the reality of the franchise – one that, say, focuses on the existence and possible flourishing of Village 3 and other settlements like it while keeping one eye on the precarious balancing act they’re all playing – it feels better than the ending of End of Eva, and even than the last two episodes of the original series.

I’m glad the nihilism in Evangelion is gone, for the most part. I’m glad that I didn’t spend roughly eight hours watching the Evamovies only to be met yet again with a message of “everything is pointless, fuck off and die.” Because I’ve been absorbing that sentiment a lot lately, from a lot of different sources, and it really just fuckin sucks to hear over and over again.

It is a truth we can’t easily ignore that the confluence of pandemic, climate change, authoritarian surge and capitalist decay has made shit miserable recently. But the spike in lamentations over the intractability of this mix of shit – the inevitability of our destruction, to put it in simpler terms – really is pissing me off. No one person is going to fix the world, that much is absolutely true, but if everyone just goes limp and decides to “123 not it” the apocalypse then everyone crying about how the world is fucked on Twitter will simply be adding to the opening bars of a self-fulfilling prophesy.

We can’t get in a mech to save the world but then, neither realistically could Shinji Ikari. What we can do looks a lot more like what’s being done in Village 3: people helping each other with limited resources wherever they can.

Last week, Hurricane Ida slammed into the Gulf Coast and churned there for hours – decimating Bayou communities in Louisiana and disrupting the supply chain extensively – before powering down and moving inland. Last night the powerful remnants of that storm tore through the Northeast, causing intense flooding. Areas not typically affected by hurricanes suddenly found themselves in a similar boat – pun not intended – to folks for whom hurricanes are simply a fact of life. There’s a once-in-a-millennium drought and heatwave ripping through the West Coast and hey – who can forget back in February when Oklahoma and Texas experienced -20 degree temperatures for several days in a row? All of this against the backdrop of a deadly and terrifying pandemic and worsening political climate. It’s genuinely scary! But there are things we can do.

First, if you’re in a weather disaster-prone area, get to know your local mutual aid organizations. Some of these groups might be official non-profits; one such group in the Louisiana area, for example, is Common Ground Relief. Check their social media accounts for updates on what to do and who needs help. If you’re not sure if there’s one in your area, check out groups like Mutual Aid Disaster Relief for that same information. Even if you’re not in a place that expects to see the immediate effects of climate change, you should still consider linking up with organizing groups in your area. Tenant unions, homeless organizations, safe injection sites and needle exchanges, immigrant rights groups, environmental activist orgs, reproductive health groups – all could use some help right now, in whatever capacity you might be able to provide it.

In none of these scenarios are we going to be the heroes of the story, and we shouldn’t view this kind of work in that way. But neither should we give into the nihilistic impulse to insist upon doing nothing, insist that inaction is the best course of action, and get back under the blankets for our final sleep. Kill that impulse in your head, and fuck, if you have to, simply just fucking wish for that better world. Then get out of bed and help make it happen.

[tastebreaker review] Law School (no spoilers)

Sometimes, I wish I could have a shrine for all the cerebral media that I consumed, because it definitely is my favourite archetype. Death Note was a masterpiece that I hungrily binged in one day - similarly with Psycho Pass (though I haven't watched the second season due to most of the reviews I have read). This extend well into non-anime media for me - State of Play (with Russell Crowe, Ben Affleck and Rachel McAdams) remains one of my favourite movies, Inception and, well, honestly anything by Christopher Nolan, and I have recently began watching The Matrix as well.

And so, the thirst for real mystery and brain games was quenched when I started watching Law School, with Kim Myung-min, Kim Beom and Ryu Hye-young, directed by Kim Suk-yoon. Needless to say, throughout the whole trip, I was hooked, counting down days until the next episode came... but towards the end - an unpopular opinion - I was actually quite disappointed.

And so, before you start your cross-examination, allow me to present my findings first.

- How did I start watching this?

My friend and I were looking around for something to binge on Netflix and forget about COVID-19. This series popped up, and the moment I read the title, my sapiosexual senses were tingled.

- And how was it?

Very good!... until the ending came. ;w;

- Genres & overarching themes?

Genres: Mystery, Thriller, Psychological

Overarching themes: murder mystery, law vs justice, intelligence (as in, the characters are all really smart hahah)

- Plot: 4/5

It could have been a high four, near five if it wasn't for the ending, frankly. The first episode started out with Professor Seo Byung-ju of Hankuk Law School dead, and the spotlight shines on Professor Yang Jong-hoon (the man in the poster above), the first suspect. But was it really him? From then, the mystery unfolds as our favourite study group (who shall be very well elaborated on later in this review) launches itself into investigation for true justice.

The series started out extremely strong in my opinion, with its first few episodes filled with twists and sub-plots that were waiting to get wrapped up. Every episode just leaves you gripping on the sides of your seat in suspense. It really makes you doubt every single person that appeared on-screen and watch out for anything that happens - the show uses the Chekhov's Gun trope really well. As the knots become unravelled, we gain more depth into the characters. However, as we near the end - about two-three episodes for me - the show started to lose its thrust, falling into a comfortable stereotype that made things rather frustrating.

One of the major advantages of Law School, in my opinion, is its ability to twist and turn everything. It prompts the viewers to realize that when the case is really examined in a whole different angle, with more and more evidence coming to light, everything changes. The use of different suspects' stories being told in each episode is a pleasure to watch - the viewers feel like an omniscient judge, overseeing the motives and evidence to draw out a conclusion for themselves on who might be the murderer. The series prompts the viewers to think, which is a trend I really like. It's also interesting to question why characters do certain things they do. Professor Yang Jong-hoon (my favourite character!), for example, is a very... chaotic (haha) character, who keeps on surprising people with his actions - yet, his actions are all elaborate executions of his strategy, a whole plan that he has concocted which accounted for multiple steps ahead, thanks to his extremely sharp vision of what could happen. Thus, it is extremely satisfying when everything falls into place as Yangcrates (a nickname he earned due to his Socratic teaching) explains everything that led up to a particular tense moment where the truth was unveiled.

Yet... this very trope had its downfall near the end. The murderer was so heavily shadowed on in the beginning that the viewers would have expected the murderer to be someone else completely unexpected, a mastermind that pulled the strings behind all the proceedings. Yet, the murderer and the mastermind behind the murder were someone so... I dare say, unimpressive. I mean, this particular 'mastermind' behind the murder fell into so many traps! The murderer was definitely my major disappointment - the villain was a weak character, an unsatisfying antagonist that the intelligent heroes, once having figured who he/she is, didn't even break a sweat to bring to light. The last, final twist that was supposed to be the most glamorous of them all, completely knocking the viewers off their feet, fell completely flat.

Secondly, whilst having a lot of sub-plots still remains a favourite trope of mine as I'd expect everything to wrap up nicely near the end... well, it didn't. Whilst most sub-plots were hastily answered, there was one particular sub-plot which was just left completely unaddressed (for those who have watched it, it's about J****s), and unless they're hinting at a second season where this would be further elaborated on, this was a dead-end sub-plot, a plot with no elaboration or continuation whatsoever.

Overall, the plot was breathtaking in the beginning. It lost momentum very near the end, and wrapped everything up with an anticlimactic last episode.

- Characters: 4.7/5

Definitely the strongest set of characters I've seen in a Korean drama, frankly. All characters were so well utilised, each having their own quirks and flaws which were delightful to watch. Everyone was so, so intelligent, that they honestly were the main fuel to the series, our main stars.

Allow me to first start off with my favourite character, Professor Yang Jong-hoon. Stoic, yet with an extremely savage side that he does not hesitate to show to anyone of any ranks or social standings, Yangcrates carefully plots everything, always thinks, questions, and then thinks even more. Intelligence-wise, this man is most definitely the smartest on-screen persona I've seen in the Korean drama franchise - able to see miles ahead and figure out all the answers down to their root, he is someone that definitely earns all the respect he has, from both his students and viewers alike. Personality-wise, this man is equally interesting as he is smart. With a cold exterior, Yangcrates does not take any bullshit (cue a particularly funny water spitting scene), and does not hold back harsh words to point it out. Yet, underneath this cold exterior is a burning desire to find the absolute truth, which would in turn bring justice to ones who have been wronged (refer to a particular lecture-like speech he made in episode 10), and a passion for teaching his students. He secretly cares for his students a lot, and expresses it in his own way.

Next, our favourite study group - a group of capable, enticing individuals. Firstly, we have Han Joon-hwi, a complex character that always pursues justice and fairness. His intelligence shines through with the way he, firstly, is able to take advantage of his sharp understanding of law into the case, and his careful processing of the evidence he gathers during investigation. Whilst he always keeps a cold head when needed, he has an equally warm heart, genuinely caring for wronged and innocent people. His expressions were all extremely raw and did not feel fake at all - really, props to his actor. More on this later.

Then, we have the two girls - Kang Sol A and Kang Sol B. Don't be fooled by their names - they are very much polar opposites. Whilst Kang Sol A is excitable and wears her heart on her sleeve (sometimes a bit too much), Kang Sol B always keeps a cool head, sometimes taking it to the extreme. I do admit that if I had to pick out of the two, though I love both of them very, very much, I'd probably lean a bit more towards Kang Sol A - even though she definitely gets on my nerves sometimes because of her overload of emotions that could be disruptive, she has her frequent bouts of creativity and "a-ha!" moments that display her underrated intelligence (I'm always soft for underdogs that are underestimated by everyone, only to turn the table on them later). She is also an extremely loyal friend and a very generous individual that isn't afraid to place herself in danger just to help others - overall, a very warm person. Kang Sol B, on the other hand - perhaps due to her family environment - does not really taking other people's emotions into consideration, though I really, really admire her for her intelligence, her ability to always keep a calm head (making her the blue counterpart to Kang Sol A's red), as well as her straightforwardness which has proven many times to be necessary to push the case forward. She does have a soft spot, though - a very adorable one at that. These two make an extremely adorable pair of friends.

My favourite student of the study group must be Seo Ji-ho. I'd say he's a less intimidating version of Kang Sol B hahah - cool and composed, Ji-ho is a reliable member who always pursues logic and reason first. He is also driven to achieve his goal and, like Joon-hwi, utilizes his deep understanding about law very well to solve his own case, his sub-plot. Though his sub-plot eventually was wrapped up as an open ending, it was a nice sub-plot to watch. Not to mention his dynamic with Joon-hwi is very adorable as well - the two really balance each other out.

Other students also have their own quirks and flaws, but for the sake of this review's length, I won't elaborate them as much - but I will say they are all a delight to watch, adding their own personal elements to the overall study group. I will definitely miss this set of characters so, so much. ;-;

- Acting: 4.4/5

Frankly, perhaps because of some K-drama series I have watched, I had a problem with acting in some K-drama series - the actors and actresses did not feel genuine, and they either overacted, pushing their expressions to the extreme, or underacted, simply being way too... stiff (some of my personal favourite actors and actresses so far are Kim Seon-ho, whose theatrical experiences probably really helped with his very natural acting, Jo Jung-seok, and Kim Hye-yoon, an actress who impressed me with both of her most popular series - hope to see her versatility shine through with more diverse roles though). This series, however, is a definite favourite of mine in terms of acting. Firstly, Kim Myung-min is a veteran actor that deserves so much respect - he basically morphed into Yangcrates. I absolutely loved the way he delivered his dialogues - very long ones! - without even so much as taking a breath in between - it was smooth and the flow was excellent.

Kim Beom also became one of my favourite actors after this series - the way he handled his role was so good, his expressions, actions, everything. I noticed that he's very good with his eyes, if that's the right way to put it - he is very good at displaying emotions with them, all emotions ranging from sadness to adoration (towards a particular someone *wink*). It's a top-notch skill, really, and I'm glad to have seen him on-screen. Similarly, Ryu Hye-young impressed me so, so much that I shall add her to my list of favourite actresses as well - I can't spoil, but she is really able at... altering her vibes, yes. She seems to have studied her character really carefully too, being able to bring all Sol A's quirks to real life. Other actors and actresses were amazing, but for me, these three definitely shone.

- Doki moments?

Ah. Definitely some between Sol A and Joon-hwi, as a lot of other people have commented. From the way they tease each other to the way he cares about her every little thing, the way he stares at her, the way his whole demeanor just changes around her and the way she unknowingly influences him so much - they do balance each other out really well, Joonhwi being the cool to Sol A's warm. I do find myself thinking Sol B and Ji-ho would be rather compatible as well (also, them being study rivals in high school? My rivals-to-lovers side is ready).

- Enjoyment: 4/5

Again, could have been higher if it wasn't for the ending! But yes, overall, a whole trip worth embarking on.

- Overall: 4.2/5

Really, could have been higher... but yes, still an excellent show. I just hope they could have had more episodes to really wrap everything up nicely and maybe throw us one final, absolutely ground-breaking twist.

- Watch it or neh?

Yes, please do watch it! And let me know how it goes, too. ;3

⇺ ⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂ ⇻

↣ Masterpost

↣ inspired by @haik-choo’s post

↣ wc: 1.7k 

↣ warnings: some self inflicted pain (nothing major!), cheating mentions, serious heartbreak. 

↣  song recommendation:  tolerate it - taylor swift 

↣  preamble (as written by haik-choo):  akaashi keiji doesn’t get that not everyone can understand how someone feels with one look. he puts an extra sugar in his coffee and expects you to know that he wants to go out to a bakery, he clicks his red pens a few extra times and expects you to know that he needs refills – he says he has a lot of work tonight and expects you to make him midnight snacks. to him, that stuff is easy. why can’t you understand him? he does it for you – he shouldn’t have to say it out loud. you should already know what he’s thinking. if you don’t, maybe you don’t love him as much as he thought you did.

The complexity of love has never been accurately represented in the media. Films present reality through the lens of a fractured mirror to provide viewers a sense of emotion they cannot find elsewhere. Fairy tales are perhaps the worst form of media to exist. They are created to be consumed by young impressionable children who develop unrealistic expectations that are later thrust upon the unfortunate souls that become their partners. You were one of those children who bought the falsities sold to you. Love was something magical, the intertwining of two hearts.

You were sixteen when you fell in love for the first time. Enthralled by how one emotion could paint new colours in the horizons, you allowed yourself to fall… it was perfect, until you found yourself crying on the bathroom floor, wondering why the fairy tales lied to you.

You were seventeen when you first experienced heart break. Even now, you can remember the shame that drenched your soul when you learned that the one you loved, had slept with someone else. Each inch of your skin was tainted by your “prince charming.”

That night, your mother had to drag you out of the bath. The pads of your toes and fingers had shriveled up, while your arms and legs burned a bright crimson from the incessant scrubbing. Yet the tingling of your skin was merely a scratch in comparison to the laceration inside of your heart, and there was no band aid that you could apply there.

That was December 3rd 2014 – the date you abandoned your foolish ideals.

You met Akaashi Keiji exactly six months later.

If you were ever asked to describe the mystery that is Keiji, where would you begin? Were there truly any words that could accurately capture the very essence of his kind soul? Or the depth of this mesmerizing eyes? How would you possibly begin to explain how a single caress by his calloused fingertips had melted away the imaginary grime that had coated your skin? If anyone was prince charming, it was him.

But little did you know that sometimes he doubted whether you were his Cinderella. His happily ever after…

The first indication of his veiled concerns occurred in your last year of high school. With the departure of his third-year friends, Akaashi was titled captain of the boy’s volleyball team. While he enjoyed volleyball, he was never obsessed with the sport like his best friend. Volleyball was his hobby, nothing more and nothing less. He was more concerned with maintaining his high academic record than securing a ticket to nationals. Last year balancing the various fragments of his life was simple. But the absence of his friends weighed on him, each day the anxiety increased until he could barely sit without jitters swarming his limbs. As his girlfriend, you should have known the stress he was battling… Sure, he was pushing you away, but you should have known why.

Yet, when you attempted to thwart his efforts to establish distance, you were chastised for your lack of understanding.

“Y/n. I am busy. Please do not disturb me during practice.” Not the slightest bit of respect was allocated to you, despite your status as his girlfriend. And while his pointed response was undoubtedly directed towards to you, his attention was on the practice commencing inside of the gym. “Listen, I need to go back. If you want to talk, consider picking a more appropriate time in the future.” Rolling the towel within his grasp, he refused to acknowledge you beyond sharing these words.

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” To even utter an apology stole the limited resolve you had to address the situation. How much did you have to degrade yourself to fix a relationship he evidently did not want?

But the following day at lunch period, a dozen roses were delivered to you with an apology note attached to the stems. It was only natural for you to grant him the forgiveness he sought. Dismissing his actions was simple once you rationalized it as a normal reaction to an abundance of pressure. Diamonds may be created under pressure, but he was no diamond, and neither were you.

The second indication of his concealed doubts did not emerge from a set of actions, nor did it include the exchange of harsh words. Rather, it was his silence that nurtured your insecurities and provided you confirmation that while he was your happily-ever-after, you may not be his.

To celebrate Keiji’s 19th birthday, his mother had offered to host a gathering at his childhood home. When the details of the party were conveyed to you, excitement had fluttered to life inside of your stomach. It was the perfect opportunity to develop your relationship with the woman who had raised your wonderful boyfriend. Yet, not even the purest of intentions would save you from the humiliation that awaited you that night.

At one point of the evening, Keiji had vanished for a considerable amount of time. Naturally, you searched the house for your boyfriend. When you peaked inside of the kitchen, you found him engaging in a conversation with his mother. You almost called out to him instinctively, except your vocal cords denied you access when you caught the end of their conversation.  

“Has she been tending to your needs yet? Or has she remained as useless as before?” The older woman clutched the stem of her wine glass, with a scoff clawing at her throat. It seemed that the liquor coating her tongue had turned the muscular organ into a knife.

Keiji stood with his back pressed against the kitchen island, listening without a reaction. The nonchalance emanating from his demeanour indicated that this was not the first occurrence. No, this had happened before, otherwise he would have had some form of a reaction. A flinch – a twitch – anything. But he stood still, emotionless, distant. The targeting comments were equivalent to a whisper in the wind – not deserving of a response, nor a stir.

“Keiji, you are aware that you are wasting your time and yet you stay with her?” The sigh falling from her stained lips was extended to emphasize her distress, and the gentle sound was enough to weaken your knees.

No longer able to support your own weight, you leaned against the wall, allowing your eyelids to flutter shut. Your fingers tangled with the fabric of your shirt as you waited for his response.

Say something – anything. Just tell her she’s wrong.

Yet the denial never came.  

The first two indications were shoved aside, dismissed with excuses that would serve as a band-aid on your decaying relationship. But then came the third.

The third indication of his doubt occurred on an average college night when you were in the process of selecting your outfit for the night. Bokuto had arranged an unofficial Fukurodani reunion for the boy’s volleyball team. As Keiji’s girlfriend, the invite was naturally extended to you. Usually your boyfriend would be in higher spirits knowing that he would soon be in the company of his high school friends. But tonight, a frown remained etched into his features, not wavering for even a single moment.

“Which one? I don’t want to be underdressed. But on the other hand, Kou is always dressed really weird. So, I don’t know.” Two outfits were presented towards the male, a scarlet cocktail dress and a navy pantsuit with a low cut.

“Does it matter, y/n?” The sharp remark was blown out with a heavy sigh. It was as though he could not muster the energy to care for your feelings. Or perhaps, he simply chose to display his inner conflict, with no concern of the consequences of his decision.

The noise was startling enough to strip you of the excitement that once animated your movements.

“I guess not, but is it wrong that I want to look good for my boyfriend?” The counter question was voiced barely above a whisper, with each word sounding fainter than the last.

“Maybe if you knew me well enough you wouldn’t have to ask.” His eyes did not meet yours, rather they stayed fixed on the writing utensil within his grasp. “It’s not that hard, y/n. You just don’t care enough to put in the effort.”

The verbal assaults implanted daggers into your chest, but the pain would only become worse – since he was not done just yet.

“If you refuse to love me with your entire heart, what is the point? Let me go.”

“Keiji!” Pain cut along the inside of your throat from the shriek erupting from your chest. Had you ever screamed his name in quite a harsh manner? Liquid blurred your vision, and with your air-filled organs wheezing in distress, your words were stated between staggered breaths.

“I am not a fucking mind reader.” The fog of desperation encompassing you was comprised of poison, one that soon threaded throughout your system. The properties of the poison enflamed your lungs, burning the organs and halting the flow of air. Instinctively your hands were sent to your skin, clawing at the flesh as if you could simply rip out the emotions suffocating you. “Just because I don’t love you the way you think I should, doesn’t mean I don’t.” Whether the words spilling from your lips were responsible for the bitter taste in your mouth, or the tears now gracefully parading down your cheeks was unknown. Either way, the release of the steaming liquid eased the burning sensation in your lungs.

“I’m done, Keiji. I’m done.” Slowly claiming your insides was a thin layer of ice. By now, you had run out of excuses for his behaviour. There were no longer any band-aids you could use to tend to the wounds. The question of whether your boyfriend considered you “the one” was answered.

Despite the ache weaving into your muscles, your feet dragged you to the front door. A piece of you desired to catch one final glimpse of him – as your heart knew this would be the final time you would see him. But afraid you would lose your resolve to leave, you pressed the car keys against your palm, and remained fixed on the exit.

Behind you, the brunette voiced a weak apology – you were unable to catch the exact words, as they were muffled by the fabric of his sleeves. But not even the sweetest words could remedy the situation. Since, now you had accepted the truth.

Love was never a fairy-tale, and Akaashi Keiji was not a prince. Love would never be what you wanted it to be, and it would always hurt.

Love would always hurt.

A/N: I ended up finishing this today because I got into a bad mood and so I needed to channel it into something lol 

Taglist: @sayakaaaaaa @sanitisegermsfree @haikyuufairy @newfriendjen @lvoejimin @moonlightaangel @gyozaaaaa @byun-nies @thevillagehiddenintheinternet @amberalisa @graykageyama @yourstarvic @chaichai-the-weeb @chibishae34 @haikyuusimp91 @volleybloop  @rajablast @idiot-juice-enthusiast @melonmayhere @cuddlesslut  @athenarosaline @memes-and-money @coconut-dreamz  @mismatched-loves @elianetsantana @tsumume @tsukkismamagucci @the-golden-jhope @camcam1617 @prettyforpapiiwa @swoonhui​ @neobakas​ @azumane-kun @elephantloser​ @dreamstormings​ @anejuuuuoy​   

~ message me to be removed from the general taglist + bolded means I can’t tag ya 

Since you requested peachpig from me. How about peachpig with hugs 29, kisses 15 and 29?

Affection meme

29. hugging while slow dancing

15. soothing kisses

29. hushed conversation in-between kisses

Ngl @tigerseye46 I REALLY like your Dark Peachpig stuff so i hope you don't mind terribly that I’m using that as a basis. Its a diverging 'what if' so that should help lol

--

It was... kind of embarrassing that he hadn't figured it out on his own.

Though to be fair, It wasn't like he had ‘magic truth seeing eyes’ like His part-... His ex-...His hus-... Like Sun Wukong did. And this world was kind of… made to throw him off balance, and with that everything else followed.

Waking up in the middle of the night to a knocking on his door wasn’t...something he was particularly used to of course, But it wasn’t wholly unfamiliar. Of course with the rain pounding down in sheets (Did the weather machine break again? That thing was so damn buggy what was the point in having it?) he couldn’t hear any telltale noises from the other side of the door other than the insistent knocking itself.

He was expecting Xiaotian, maybe Xiaojiao. At Most Strange, Red Son. Mystic Monkey Business, Panic attacks, ‘I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go’ He’d seen a fair amount of the kids on his doorstep before with a fair amount of reasons for their presence. And you know… he figured it would probably be easier to take care of one of the kids right now than to deal with his own emotional garbage anyway.

And then he opened the door and his entire thought process derailed with Sun Wukong standing there, in his true form (the same as his casual form but at least a head shorter than him) fur soaked and heavy from the rainfall, and very visibly choking back tears.

“Wukong…” he’d curse the tremble in his voice but his brain wasn’t quite working right now, so consumed with shock he couldn’t do much else but stand there. Wukong was trembling, from emotion (As surely he’d handled far colder weather) and as the Monkey King took a deep breath as if to steady himself, Pigsy wanted nothing more than to kiss the misery right off of him.

But that wouldn’t be welcome right now, would it?

“Pigsy… Can we talk?” His voice cracked with emotion and Pigsy felt he was helpless to do anything but stand aside and let the Monkey in.

“Are you alright?” what a stupid question. Wukong laughed bitterly in response.

“Not really…” He sniffed and Pigsy wanted again to comfort him, but, again, confronted that he’d probably make it worse. “Look, all of this stuff… it’s been a lot and my head’s been all over the place this whole time but I can’t play the denial game anymore just because I want to be miserable.” Wukong scrubbed at his eyes. “And we need to talk, like WOW do we need to talk. But honestly?” He shrugged, helplessly. “I just miss you.”

And.. this honestly felt like some moment at the end of a cheesy romance movie, and yeah they really did need to talk about everything. But in that moment, now that he knew he could, All Pigsy was interested in, was giving in to the urge and kissing the misery right off of Wukong’s face.

And after that they did talk, extensively, the fact that a fair bit of it involved the two of them clinging to each other and sharing far softer kisses on the couch as the rain continued to pelt against the windows was beside the point. Wukong stayed in his smaller form, Pigsy only asked about it briefly and Wukong only responded that he’d just really prefer to be held over doing the holding right now.

It was… odd at first, Wukong seemed to be under the impression that he needed to make the majority of the apologies, that somehow the whole ‘Being Zhu Baije’ Stuff was more important than Wukong knowing the initial purpouse of their relationship (before Pigsy had realized, before he’d known better) and playing along anyway; but he also seemed to easily accept it when Pigsy began to trade his own apologies.

They both had stuff to apologize for, and he was just glad he was finally given a chance to.

Then for a time they’d simply cuddled, allowed the wounds to heal in eachother’s presence. Pigsy had nodded off again at some point, but by the time he woke up it was still dark out, the rain still pelting the windows. He was alone on the couch but he could hear a familiar rummaging coming from the kitchen. Though it was probably late enough that there was no point in trying to sleep again, he figured he should just start the day properly by now.

It seemed like Wukong was of a similar mind because just as he’d properly sat up and stretched the monkey returned from the kitchen with a few cut up peaches, the bowl sat between the two of them as a simple breakfast.

“What time is it?”

“Early.”

They ate in silence, sweet, blessed, comfortable silence. He hadn’t wanted to fantasize about it from how much he’d been afraid it would never happen again but now that it was back, he found himself positively basking in it. When Wukong leaned to the side just enough to rest his head on Pigsy’s shoulder it was more than he’d expected would ever happen again.

This whole thing must have started earlier than he thought because just as he was starting to get restless the sun was no closer to creeping over the horizon. And it seemed like Wukong was getting restless at about the same time too.

“Okay I’m getting bored of being tired and sad.” He finally stated, standing up and stretching. “Lets do something nice, we haven’t done something nice since any of this started.”

“What do you have in mind?” Wukong thought for a second before grinning at Pigsy, a proper, happy grin that, after so much sad had just transpired, made his gut flip in and his face feel hot. He rushed over to Pigsy’s media setup and fiddled with things there until soft music began to play.

Wukong shook his head twice and with a puff of golden smoke went back to his preferred taller size, most likely so while Pigsy was still sat on the couch he could look suave as he offered a hand and grinned down at him. “Dance with me?”

And you know, maybe if they hadn’t just gotten back together he would deny how well that actually worked, tease him for being a cheesy dork. But as it was he just accepted.

The rain had made Wukong smell a little different, not by much but… different. And he wasn’t necessarily sure if it was a good change or not, but he felt the same, the soft caramel fur had long since dried and was gentle against his skin, he felt his tail coil its way around his hips and had practically encircled Pigsy in his warmth.

It was sad that things had to go over the way they did, but he supposed if they hadn’t then this wouldn’t feel quite as good. The ache had finally given way, Zhu Baije was quieting down in his head now that things were as they were supposed to be again.

It was, for lack of a better word,

a perfect morning.

And then there was a shake, a crack like a splinter of wood a blinding light-

"Dadsy! Are you alright? I'm gonna KILL those two idiots..."

-and it was gone.

--

Send me stuff

White Lies Magazine Interview with Louis Hofmann

How long are you in England for? I'm currently staying for six weeks, but I've already been here for five and a half so I'm only here for a couple more days before heading back to Germany for rehearsals for my next film.

Really, or did they kick you out because of Brexit ? 

No they didn't (laughs) - and luckily there are no real changes until December so I can get in and out without a problem. I'm not exactly sure what will change for Germans anyway, if there are new regulations or if it will be the same in terms of travelling. It's gonna be really crappy for basically everyone leaving the UK - if you consider that someone who has a band for example and plays a tour around Europe will need to pay or be passport-controlled with their equipment every time they cross borders. It might not matter for a big band like Coldplay but small bands will have a lot of trouble with that.

Actually Coldplay has suspended their tours until they can find a way to make them sustainable.

I know and I think that is amazing! 

How are you with environmentalism, are you active? 

I wish I was more active to be honest, because I have a platform on Instagram which I could use a bit more - I'm just always quite scared when it comes to posting because I know that so many people then talk about it and judge me for what I have posted. l don't have an issue with taking a political side on an I think fairly easy topic to take sides on when it comes to the environment. But then again it's this general thing of posting something and l know 400.000 people will look at it or make up their mind about it - have an opinion and voice it. It's just something that scares me, so that is holding me back a bit but I'm trying a bit more. 

Understood. But isn't it the same with doing a movie or starring in a TV series, you put it out there and everyone is going to judge you ? Even more people than just your followers as a matter of fact.

Of course. But that's my job. That's what I love to do, that's what I've chosen to do. I have not chosen to be someone who is followed by 400.000 people on Instagram, that sort of just happened. 

It's a side effect. 

It is and I am grateful for it but it also scares me (laughs). 

That makes sense. But do you even realise how famous you are? I remember I walked into someone's house in Korea last year and they were watching "Dark" that very moment, all fans of yours. 

I don't think I get it. No, I don't quite get it. When I talk to casting directors about my value on the English language market they will eventually tell me that it's not as profound as they want it to be to play a main role in an English language feature film. You have to separate between being known from something and being so known for quality that you have international value - having sort of a critical acclaim and value in different countries. I don't think I'm there yet and would only consider myself famous, which is already weird to discuss and acknowledge out loud. For now, to be fair, I'm just the guy from "Dark". 

It did reach a bit of an iconic status though, also your character. Everyone is going to remember you for that yellow raincoat.

I hope they won't only remember me for only that (laughs). 

Do you wear a yellow raincoat in private ?

No, there is no opportunity for me anymore to wear a yellow raincoat. It's not possible. But let's get back once more to environmentalism. One thing is stating your opinion on social media but the other thing is when it comes to acting myself, to change my daily life to help the environment. I would say I'm quite conscious about it and avoid flying and consuming local produce. Focus on quality and try to not waste products. 

Who is inspiring you?

Leonardo Dicaprio for example. But I don't know if he necessarily acts himself that way, but he does something about speaking out about it - using his figure and position as an activist to talk about it. I quite like that.

He is doing one thing I could personally not do however. Speaking out for something and then doing the opposite in his private life. And that judgement is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of getting perceived as a hypocrite. But then again being perceived as that in terms of climate change doesn't really help because it needs to be spoken about and maybe you do not do as much as you talk about it. But at least you raise awareness and take even just a small part.

I absolutely agree. I think we need to re-think that whole concept of hypocrisy in this thing because if he reaches a couple of million people and they are changing something about it - even if he is doing the opposite - he is still doing a lot of good with it. Even though he is a hypocrite I think we need to redefine what it means - at the end of the day we will all be hypocrites because no one is really going to be able to live completely sustainably, we can't think in those absolute terms too much. Everyone needs to start with one thing - picking their battles. Focus on plastic for example, we may get better at disposing of it while still being bad in terms of traveling for example, but that is okay, we can only do one thing at a time. 

Don't you think it's crazy that in relation to something like the coronavirus pandemic, pressing and tangible as it affects us now - everybody is afraid, everyone acts, the government acts and everyone is doing their part. Then there is climate change which is more intangible because it's still far away and people don't really care about it - I think this is a problem. Why only act about something that only affects yourself? It's quite selfish and stands for a lot more than only this. 

That's it. We went really deep pretty quick didn't we? The most pressing question however is - how often do you cry watching movies ? 

I do like to cry when I watch films, because I think I'm quite empathetic so I can relate to the characters a lot. I don't often do it but I really do not mind - it means I'm involved in the story. I like crying in movies. Therefore I know it has touched me somehow.

I have a weird relationship to crying in movies, I like doing it but there is a certain place where I cry much more easily - on planes. It's quite strange actually but I get very emotional when I'm up in the air.

That's good, I guess? Have you seen the film "Click"? It's not the greatest film out there, it's with Adam Sandler. But there is a scene in the end where he (spoiler alert) dies. There is a remote with which he can forward his life and he fasts forward to the moment when he dies. It's very dramatic, tragic - almost pathetic and still I started crying because I imagined that happening to me and felt so sad (laughs). 

This is going to be the headline: Louis Hofmann, the guy who cries at Adam Sandler movies.

I can imagine you being the guy who would make a head- line like this. 

Have you ever died in a movie?

[START OF SPOILER]

Yes, I've died in "Alone in Berlin" and also in "Prélude", where my character hangs himself in the end. 

How was that for you?

I was not very attached to myself at that moment. I mean eventually it gets cut out. So the moment I actually die they cut off and it turns black. I still enacted the scenes but it was weird, it was more of a physical thing than an emotional one when I acted it. It's just sometimes with very physical scenes - the dynamic approach and action can be so mentally and intellectually exhausting that there is not much room left for emotional attachment. It didn't feel I was dying myself. It did hurt though, I had the rope around my neck.

[END OF SPOILER]

Good one. Do you believe in fairytales?

No I don't. But I do like "Bojack Horseman" though because it seems so dumb first but turns so philosophical. 

In general, what is happiness to you?

I don't know what it means to me but I know when l feel happy - that's when I'm grounded, when I'm self-assured and when I feel like I'm really being myself. When I reach that state I feel happiness. Sharing that happiness with someone is what's most important. Happiness is truly being yourself.

Very profound answer. How is your work- life balance, are you always working?

I think it's quite okay. The only thing I kind of need to improve is that - when I work I work 100% and I tend to think about the year in little phases. I work then I'm free, then I work then I'm free. And I always only take really care of myself in the times when I have spare time. When I work my health and my hobbies - I just do not look at that. It's all about the work. I want to get somewhere where I can balance those things better.

The thing I really wanted to touch base with you on was the future of movies. We are talking about technology, virtual reality, 3D. Would you like to do some work in 3D?

I would only like to do something in 3D if the new technology elevates the film to another level and makes sense story-wise. I'm not a fan of it only if it looks good. If it helps the story to evolve into something bigger then it's okay. I'm an admirer of that old cinema look, of that really organic taste of a film. I don't know if I would like to act in a VR film. What I don't like about new technologies is that the acting itself and the characters and craft are kind-of left behind. In the foreground it's only the technique, the focus is too much on the visual aspects rather than the screencraft.

I totally understand what you're saying - but if you think about it this way now - people probably said the same thing about colour films in times of black/white films because colours took away the attention from the acting. I think it's about what we are used to. If we say in a couple of years it's normal to consume everything in 3D and VR, do we still think about that?

I mean it surely is incredible what they have achieved and still continue to achieve with 3D and VR. Remarkable how they portray an illusion and tell a story in such a unique and involving way. I'm just always afraid that if you want to tell a character based story with that technique, the characters and the acting will be left behind due to the sheer amount of attention the technical stuff needs from the cast and the team. But of course it's fascinating and intriguing. And since we sort of got used to seeing films in 3D, maybe that's also gonna happen to VR.

How do you think we will consume movies and series in 20 years or how does acting actually change? Looking at "Death Stranding", a video game by Hideo Koji-ma that stars an impressive cast with Mads Mikkelsen, Lea Seydoux and Norman Reedus, to name but a few. They are in this game as actors through 3D scanning. Imagine this fast-forwarded 20 years.

I really hope that traditional acting doesn't die. I don't know - in 30 years I'll probably think differently but right now I think you can not replace something natural with something computer-generated. If the technology evolves, maybe it will be possible.

Anyway, how does it feel like to see yourself in a sex scene?

(laughs) I've always said I separate myself from the character when I watch my films. It's the character who gets naked and has sex, it's not me. It's just when you are around people who you know personally, it might get awkward, for example with my mom. You just have to evaluate if nudity and sex is necessary for the story and the character - if it is, it's not tough to watch.

It's a powerful meditation on how to detach yourself from something, isn't it?

For sure, it doesn't always work though.

image-face, GyoBeom An

I was born in 1973, and my parents were farmers. In 1999, I got enrolled into an art college with a dream of becoming an artist. I am currently a father, a husband, and a painter. The duality and struggle between a domestic life of being a parent and spouse with a working life became a subject matter to my work. My work expresses conflicts and emotions aroused from distinct social roles through figurative subjects that ranges from models and cartoon characters, to gods. For each piece, I start with a simple drawing on a canvas of a chosen figure/ image. Then, I go into a constant exploration of constructing and deconstructing the image with obsessive amount of acrylics or oils to ease out my emotions. I adapt myself and live out the society through such actions. Painting, and Painting Over: Closing In On the alternation of repetition and reversion in An Gyo Beom’s portrait paintings Yi Hyun(Art Criticism) Francis Bacon asked himself how he differed from dead animal meat at a butcher shop. He used to say that more cruel is the scene of a live meat that drools with saliva over the sight of another meat hanging at a butcher shop. No matter how grotesque the scene of meat as portrayed in his paintings, Francis Bacon claimed that they are not nearly as brutal as human life in reality and the horror we experience in them. In the likewise manner, An Gyo Beom’s portrait paintings evoke in its viewers the strong feeling of confusion and the sense of ferocity that borders insanity. The material aspect of An’s paintings — fiercely pasted lumps of paint over the surface of canvas that easily exceeds the height of an average male — amplifies the impact of the content. Stylistic detail is where An’s painting differentiates itself from the great Francis Bacon: whereas Bacon’s meat can be compared to the meat of prime quality that was chopped and handled by a skilled butcher, An’s meat resembles scraps of meat left over from the butchering process. Leftover is often synonymous with low-grade. But the things we throw away can often tell us clues that can provide us with insights on what we as a community are eager to deny or forget, knowingly or unknowingly. An employs various media for his work. They often come in two kinds: Pen and pencil are dedicated to contouring and detailed portrayal; Oil and acrylic paints are used to express chaotic and abstract qualities. If the former emulates and builds human figures, the latter dissects and deconstructs such figures. If we were to compare the former to a bone structure, the latter can be likened to flesh and bowels. That is, of course, metaphorically speaking and not in an anatomical sense. Let’s dig in further into the artist’s day-to-day method. An constructs human figures with the most delicate of his media: pen or pencil; subsequently, he paints over completely the so-formed figures; or sometimes instead of complete cover-up, he deliberately leaves hints of the original figure by unveiling traces of human form in a subtle manner, say, a hint of an eye here and a nuance of lips there. As a consequence, a viewer can recognize not much else than the pure materiality elicited by the crumbled mass of wildly mixed paints. It is not to say, however, that An’s methods, apparently tilted towards abstract style, merely aims at totally concealing the figurative sketches with paints. The same goal could have been easily achieved by just starting out with paints in the first place. The artist appears to be purposefully attacking the preliminary sketches: he pokes, scratches, and glides over his figurative sketches, as if out of temperamental outbursts, with palpable intent. Hence, it may be reasonable to assume that although the pencil sketches are destined to be hidden eventually beneath the paint layer, they do seem to have a distinct purpose of existence. It seems safe to presume that An intends the traces of his procedure to be visible. This whole process resembles an act of a person in a constant and desperate struggle to forget something. Again, the artist would have just skipped the sketch part, if his purpose was the total elimination of it. If this is the case, what is the artist so desperately trying to put behind him, beyond the horizon of oblivion, perse? The subjects of An’s paintings range from models and manga characters to painting classics, and even God. They tend to vary but have one thing in common: they’re all socially accepted generic images. One thing to note in specific is that An portrayed professional models and rarely, if ever, painted off of his friends or family. What is the socially accepted role of the models? A person who is a model is scarcely regarded past his or her occupational description. Models serve the role of promoting or enhancing the value of the main products and thus consumed as human “samples”. Manga characters and iconic images of God are not much different from models. They are quite the universal and unidiosyncratic signs that effectively appeal to the masses across many cultures and regions. An collects images on the internet and recreates them rather honestly on his canvas, as though he consents to their given meanings and roles. In the course of his painting, however, he inadvertently shifts attitude. As if suddenly grown disgusted at his own conformist images, he adds to them the abnormal shapes such as horns, dogs, or even dragons. He obsessively paints over the initial image until he completely turns it around. In the Baconian sense, by the act of altering the reality An forbids his work to end up yet another one of those portrait paintings and imprints a violent subjective mark in his work. He appears to be doing so for the purpose of creating a false that is truer than the truth. The role asked of individuals by a State or a society resembles that of a model. Individuals are called upon as a mere component, regardless of their individual context, then consumed. All member are required to act accordingly to the cause of their community. The pressure to act as an ethical, compliant member of the society is almost inescapable. To be specific, the standardized social role that is cast upon a middle-aged man in the Korean society does not allow an artist any latitude necessary for his artistic practice. If you comply and carry out the role of a model as expected, you end up a model. If you don’t, you are labeled a questionable character, and the social retribution follows. In this circumstance, An chooses to consciously deny the dilemma. He does so by way of repetitively painting (about repression), and painting (about his impulse). In the face of the unavoidable situation, the artist oscillates: he chooses to comply one moment, then retracts his compliance in another. By doing so, he can defer his impulse to flee. The notion of oblivion logically requires the preceding act of memorizing. An is on a crusade to his personal calling, ceaselessly balancing himself between where he stands and where he’d like to be.

https://www.saatchiart.com/art/Painting-image-face/781688/4344516/view

Evidently unpopular opinion but like…. Speaking as a traumatized system, Sander’s Sides isn’t actually as bad as people make it out to be.

It was meant to be an Inside Out (Disney) - type of set up and even if you do try to intentionally read it as being about systems… It’s not actually as inaccurate or harmful a portrayal as most Intentional “MPD” portrayals and tropes???

Like. I’ve seen complaints that “oh alters don’t break down easily into parts/roles like this” but… yes they can and do? Protectors, caretakers, Apparently Normal Parts, EMOTIONAL Parts. Literally I have so many alters that are emotionally oriented and it really isn’t a stretch to simplify them into “anger holders” or “happy holders” or the like, because that’s their function. So even if “not all systems” experience this it’s. Not an untrue or harmful setup portrayal. Better than the “good/evil” dynamic constantly found in all media.

The other major complaint I’ve seen and I can understand is there’s a gag at one point about how one side controls the left arm while another controls the right one. Which I’m gonna say is still a “yes but also no” deal? Our system constantly goes through what we personally refer to as “chimera” states where one alter has the eyes while another has the mouth, or one is on the right side while the other is on the left. No, it’s not a constant thing or consistent role of theirs, just how the brain gets mushed up when co-con occurs but uh. Yeah, it’s not actually that impossible. Congrats (/gen) to systems who have never experienced this and only ever have full front situations but this can actually also happen to an extent, it’s not a big deal.

And finally like… The biggest reason I have beef over this? Is if anything, these videos are actually very much capable of being a helpful resource for new or hidden systems. There’s constant encouragement of the sides communicating and talking to each other to solve issues and make progress towards functioning better as a whole, and breaking it down into easy-to-empathize-with personifications of mental behaviors or patterns or mindsets is really important for systems starting out or unrealized.

I discovered my anxiety and intrusive thoughts provided by certain alters go so much better when I’m recognizing them as if provided by people with legitimate concerns or issues - and they are! And the Sanders Sides videos model this type of behavior and reward it constantly, and punish/show there’s consequences when people and parts and emotions are shut down.

This is a series meant to be helpful and could legitimately be so helpful to so many people, singlets and systems alike, and people want to blacklist it on sight because it’s “not accurate rep”. It wasn’t even supposed to be, and the team has communicated as such many times. They don’t use the terms, and no there’s no situations focusing on fronting or on the relationship with trauma because again: not supposed to be! But even if it was, it’s still so much better than rep out there.

Anyways. If you have this series blacklisted and condemned, please do so critically. Don’t blacklist it just because the Tumblr Bandwagon Told You To. Actually watch the videos. The Behind the Scenes where the team reinforces that no, it’s not DID. Other media constantly intentionally portrays systems and does such a fucked up job, so unless you have all of those blacklisted too as well with the same fervor and anger then like. Get off your high horse and admit you got swept up in mob mentality.

And full disclaimer: I recognize and understand that there are people who just aren’t comfortable with it being a media made by someone nonplural, or systems who genuinely don’t find it relatable or have any merit. And of course, there’s always The Fandom™️ to deal with which will always blow things out of proportion and misinterpret as much as they want. But Thomas Sanders isn’t in control of his fandom. No one can be. You can recognize this series and its associations and fandoms aren’t for you or cross boundaries for you without making it out to be some horrible evil unredeemable thing. It’s ok to just not like something or be uncomfortable with it without it making the media Fully Problematic.

Anyways. I have consumed and enjoy Sanders Sides and will post about it here sometimes. If you’re not ok with that feel free to unfollow or block but please understand I do so ‘critically’ and find it important to at least recognize the balance in response to it.

What if the Angels had Pacts pt. 2

So this has been a thought that I’ve been thinking about. What if the Angels of Obey Me had pacts. What would they be like? So I already answered that question right here - What if the Angels had pacts? 

Now let’s look at what if the brothers, as angels, had pacts and what the MCs may have gotten from that. And just for the fun of it, I’m throwing Satan in here. 

Like always, if you want your MC, Demon or Angel to be thrown into the mix, don’t be afraid to like throw them my way. I’ll gently catch them and write for their pact, if you wanted! 

Let’s start off with what we know what the pacts do. There might be more information that might come out later, but for now, we know that the pacts help the MC control the demon brothers, by either controlling them or by having some form of bond to them. That’s about as much as we know, if anyone else knows more, feel free to add on!

With the brothers, it is a little tricky since you would need to look at what their sins would be the opposite in the Celestial Realm. Additionally, when I talk about their symbolic animals, I’m analyzing them from a totem standpoint since that gave me the most information when analyzing them.

Lucifer, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Pride --> Virtue of Humility

Mammon, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Greed  --> Virtue of Generosity

Leviathan, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Envy --> Virtue of Admiration

Satan, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Wrath  --> Virtue of Forgiveness

Asmodeus, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Lust  --> Virtue of Chasity Love

Beelzebub, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Gluttony  --> Virtue of Discipline

Belphegor, Avatar/Prince/Sin of Sloth  --> Virtue of Zeal

I hope everyone likes this! I will be posting a Diavolo bonus to this, but I’ll be taking a quick break from this. Also, please send me your MCs/OCs for Obey Me! I would absolutely love to write something like this for them! 

Now that we have each of their virtues listed out, we [as the players] know that each of them have shown some form of their former virtues (before they fell) when interacting them. Granted, it is a little warped, but it is still there. The issue is most of their personalities that we know now, are their current demon forms. We don’t know much about how they acted as angels. Though who is to say that isn’t going to be changed in the future!

Lucifer, Virtue of Humility - He was once known as the Morning Star. There are times in the story where multiple characters will say he was the gem of the entire Celestial Realm. The pride and joy of the Celestial Realm. There are instances in the game where Luke has said that he admired Lucifer more than Michael before he fell, which means, he was one that probably had the biggest influence amongst the other angels, even compared to Simeon (from the last post). 

Since he is the virtue of humility, we can assume that he was not as prideful as he is now. There was a sense of give and take, where instead of having the burden of the entire world on his shoulders like now, as an angel (even if he had his own fanbase), he would share the burden of what he was thinking. All in all, he was humble or rather, had a much lower view of his own importance. 

Lets go a little deeper into this by analyzing his symbolic animal as well. His symbolic animal is a peacock, which we know symbolizes pride, beauty and confidence. Something that he no doubt, he has had follow him through his time of being an angel then his descent in being a demon. The other things that a peacock symbolizes are balance, awareness, leadership and ressurection. In a way, we could say that his rebirth as a demon was foretold in the cards, but let’s skip that. Balance, Awareness and Leadership, what was Lucifer known for in the Celestial Realm? He was someone that the angels would rally around and see him as this great leader. The Morning Star. 

If the MC were to make a pact with Lucifer, when he was an angel, one could assume he would be guardian angel++ like Simeon. Though instead of taking more of a passive guardian role, he would take more of a assertive role should the pact holder be in danger. Though getting a pact with him would be much more difficult compared to the other brothers and this is because of how low he views his importance and how his importance is only tied to his title of The Morning Star. So have fun MCs!

Mammon, Virtue of Generosity - Though not much is spoken about Mammon and the others during their time as an angel. All we know is that Mammon was Lucifer’s favorite. That’s about it. Honestly, a part of me likes to think that Demon Mammon and Angel Mammon would have the same issue of being poor. Angel Mammon just giving away every single cent that he has in order to help someone else. Instead of looking for an opportunity to make money, he looks for an opportunity to try and help. Remember that impulsivity that Lucifer has tried to curb with many rules?  Well, different realm, same Mammon, just a different reason why he’s out of money. 

Since he is the virtue of Generosity, we can assume that he is still actively seeking money, but also seeking opportunities to help others. There is a sense of “give” “give” “give” and it is almost uncontrollable. He is just as soft in his angelic form as he is in his demon form, but he does not actively hide it. If anything, it is one of the reasons why humans and other angels find him more approachable. 

Let’s also talk about his symbolic animal. I know, I’m like dissecting each of the attributes that each of the brothers have, but it is just so interesting. So for Mammon, his symbolic animal is a crow which is known for being a bringer of prophecy and good luck. Other attributes denoted to the crow is intelligence, adaptability, insight, and being fearless. Now, Mammon is not that fearless, but he does have his moments where he will disregard Lucifer’s warning and do what he wants, despite the consequences. Though there is something deeper, Mammon shows much more emotional intelligence compared to most of his brothers, he is able to tell how the MC is feeling (despite disregarding it  a little) and there are times where he shows high levels of intelligence when it is something he cares about. 

If the MC were to make a pact with Mammon, when he was an angel, one could assume that he would be a guardian angel. Not a guardian angel++ like Lucifer or Simeon, but he is the guardian angel that would have quite a few pacts. Instead of being indebted to witches, he would be constantly fretting over the state of his human. With the pact, Mammon would know the state of his human and how they are doing financially or emotionally. He would be the angel to search the ends of the earth to find exactly what they need to make them happy and feel secure. Even if it means, spending some time with him. 

Leviathan, Virtue of Admiration - Going to be a little honest, Levi was a little hard thinking of. Since his Envy and his admiration are rather similar. Though the one thing that does change is that he respects himself a little more. He appreciates his own interests instead of putting himself down. He still enjoys consuming media, video games and using netspeak as he usually does. He is still interested in anime/manga/books, but he is a lot more social able. 

As the virtue of admiration, he admires other individuals collections and instead of comparing himself to them and putting himself down, he takes an interest in their interests and actively asks them questions. If anything, he feels embarrassed and shuts down when he feels like he has crossed a boundary or forgot the MC’s interests. 

As interesting as it is, Leviathan’s symbolic animal is the serpent, which symbolizes fertility, life and healing. They are also the symbols of rebirth, transformation and immortality. There are various aspects of this that almost seem like it opposes Levi as a character as a whole, but he does go through his own form of rebirth. Instead of being a recluse in the game, he ends up opening up more and talking to his brothers as well as the MC more. The healing aspect would be something that he does as well as has his charges do, if he were to have multiple pacts at once. Helping them heal from their social awkwardness, at least bring them to a bearable amount, where they could make friends/allies. 

If the MC is able to get a pact with him, they should feed into his admiration aspect. Since keeping him hooked on their interests and keeping him interested. Which is a downfall for him, but I digress. Though he falls into the same category as Mammon, he is a guardian angel. He is able to sense when his human is excited or if someone hurt their feelings regarding their interests or just hurting their feelings in general. That is enough to bring him to their side and comfort them. Just reminding them why they liked what they like. Though if he needs to, like in the game, he is not afraid to snap at those making his human feel bad. 

Satan, Virtue of Forgiveness - Now humor me for a little bit, we know it is canon that he was not originally an angel. Just humor me. Though not much of his personality changes. He is still the sensible, quick witted and the voice of reason. Though instead of his voice just being reserved for his brothers, he is used to settle arguments between all angels that may have a spat.

Satan was still born from Lucifer, but instead of blaming Lucifer, as much as it annoys him, he ends up forgiving Lucifer a little more. With how well read he is, he understands that there are certain causes that he can argue for since he would know why the individual acted the way they did. Though unfortunately, this would cause some tension, since even as an angel, there might be some ridged that may come from him going from what the book said or going with a solution he had ended up seeing that worked. The MC would need to actually show him not all problems are cut and dry, but also there are other paths to forgiveness and that sometimes, individuals cannot forgive if someone truly wronged them.

Lets quickly look at his symbolic animal. In the Devildom, his animal is the unicorn. This mythical animal is generally tied to both strength and fierceness. Though delving deeper the unicorn also represents a wisdom that is far beyond their years, reason, innocence. Which is true in a way, there were times in the game where despite having all this knowledge at his fingertips, Satan was caught offguard by something simple and it embarrasses him, but despite that he probably has more information in his brain compared to your average demon. This does not change as an angel, if anything, he is able to use the information that he has stored in his brain to help him better understand problems and work through it. 

Since he is a newer angel, it takes a bit of time for him to fully grasp everything. Though that does not mean that he is not a strong angel to have a pact with. Like Lucifer, he needs to be convinced since his entire value is based around whether or not he is well read but also his worry that he is not worth much because of his connection to Lucifer and only being compared to the Morning Star himself. The MC would need to pull him out of his shell a little bit. Though getting a pact with him would be like an guardian angel, not on the same level as some of his other brothers, but he would be the inner voice of the MC. Though there are times where he has talked MC down from doing something rash, or talked through the pros and cons of their actions, but ultimately leaves them to pick what they do. 

Asmodeus, Virtue of Chastity Love - You know, this one is a bit tricky considering what the word Chastity means. So I’ll be going with a more broader definition. So, let’s change it to Love. Virtue of Love. Since in the game, I feel like Asmo’s role in the Celestial Realm was not representing Chastity. That is just my opinion. Once known as the Jewel of the Heavens, there is a time where Simeon tells the MC that despite falling, he still views Asmodeus as the beautiful angel that he once was. Since there was one line that always stuck with me, despite being a demon for a millennia (or longer), he still tries to be the angel that he once was. Someone who was loved and adored, which means, he knows the feeling of love and the feeling it gives when one is in love. 

As an angel, he would have been an expert when it came to feelings like love, ecstasy, compassion, and sometimes even the more negative emotions like anxiety, anger and jealousy. All of it driving from a single point - passion. Unlike the other brothers, I want to focus on his symbolic animal, which is a scorpion. As stated it symbolizes both passion and dominance, which we see quite a bit, but what if it had a deeper meaning when he was an angel. With a little bit of research, you can find that scorpions also represent transformation, rebirth, defense and a sense of devotion. Which are aspects that one could find in love as well. Where love can bloom as friendship, where it slowly kindles and grows into a strong flame for one another. A requited love.Then if you look at the rebirth aspect, you can think of it as someone going through a broken heart, finding a sense of love and belonging in another, when their time comes, and so on so forth, but there is always a level of devotion between all of those.

 Asmodeus as a demon is quite passionate, in our case - as an angel, he was passionate about humans and finding their love or helping them work through their love if they were scorned. If an MC were to enter a pact with him, one could expect him to be a guardian angel++ and some form of a cupid. He is the one that would be there to lend his ear to his human, help them heal through a broken heart, but if the other person in the relationship/friendship truly wronged his human, like Lucifer, there is a chance he might take on a more assertive role versus a more passive role when dealing with it. 

Beelzebub, Virtue of Discipline - there are aspects of Beel’s virtue or his former angelic status in him, the more you play through the game. There are often times where he shows restraint (despite the inner battle he keeps fighting) when looking at delicious food or looking at something he wants. He shows quite a bit of discipline compared to his Sin of Gluttony. His discipline shows when he focuses on the sports he plays, his work out routine, but also  

Alright, now this is a little bit of a tricky one considering his symbolic animal is a fly. Since it is generally symbolic of illness, disease and war, but what if as an angel, he had a different symbolic animal? Something similar to a fly, but when he fell, it ended up becoming a fly. How about a dragonfly? Since if you look at the symbolism of a dragonfly, it is almost the opposite of what the fly represents. A dragonfly represents joy, adaptability, understanding and self realization. Now, the reason why I’m focusing on these four traits is because these are traits that we have seen Beel exhibiting in the game. There are numerous Devilgram cards that talk about how Beel has a deeper understanding of his and his brothers emotional states and how he holds family above food. Which, for someone who is always assumed that he holds food above everything, having a meal or something, this is a big turn of events. He seems to be the one who tries to adapt compared to the rest of his brothers, tries to understand, and generally, he realizes what he needs before most of his brothers realize what he needs. 

The type of angel is wrapped up in how he is even as a demon. I feel like, compared to the other brothers, he hasn’t lost most of his angelic charms compared to them. It hasn’t been warped as much. Though all in all, as an angel and with his pact, you’re going to find yourself well loved. He’s more like a companion angel, ones that you may see walking beside humans in human form or protecting their charge without a second thought. This goes back to his level of love and respect for his family, and while having a pact with him, you’re like family. 

Belphegor, Virtue of Zeal - A part of me thinks that zeal really does not match Belphie if you ask me. This is one of the virtues that make me go “hmm...maybe not,” but you know, we’re going to work with it. As a demon, he is a trickster and usually goes after his own goals, no matter the repercussions. This is seen when the MC is interacting with him in the first season. Don’t worry, not doing to spoil anything. Though he does show some form of mellowness and some level of playfulness that is harmless mischief. 

Belphie has the cow representing them. These animals generally symbolizes positivity, and fertility. We are ignoring fertility for this, it does not exist. Other aspects that the cow represents are selflessness, generosity, calming, grounding and new beginnings. There are a bunch of things that demon Belphie has here that works for his demon counterpart as the angel counterpart. 

If one were to get into a pact with the angel Belphegor, there is a level of harmless mischief that still tags along with him. Though he is a guardian angel in training. Being the youngest when it comes to power, there is sense of playful rebellion, always trying to find a way to have Lucifer to break character. Honestly, not much changes? Though compared to his brothers, he finds this strong sense of need to protect his human that’s holding a pact with him. Though if something deeply troubling happens to his human, he’s there as a comfort. He is there to comfort them and make sure they’re alright, generally taking on a more mellow tone and being the voice of reason - much like Satan. 

Like I said, Zeal does not fit Belphie all that much, but trust me - when I say MC will be protected with him. 

Raising personal frequency and why it matters.

I am not a love and light person. As in we must be positive all the time and negative feelings can’t exist. No. As someone who can literally feel a persons energy, I will say that negatively charged energy has a heavier feel to it. You literally can feel the density in the air in a room shift when an extremely negative person walks in. There is some truth in all programming. Even in psychological operations like the new age movement. The new cage movement. Earth is a realm of duality; good and bad exist here. In a realm of duality, the goal is balance. One must innerstand darkness does exist in all of us and that is ok! Too many people want to pretend darkness doesn’t exist and by ignoring evil, it grows. Don’t let the darkness control you. Anyone pushing that we have to make the darkness go completely away or that it shouldn’t exist is misinformed and I would be cautious listening to advice from said person. I would be leery of anyone attempting to tell another how to live. Pushing your will on another is the definition of black magic. With anything I ever discuss, if you don’t agree that’s cool. I’m always open to hearing new ideas and perspectives; please don’t approach me in a nasty manner. I won’t engage someone unable to have an calm conversation. Engaging and regularly interacting with negativity or negative people is a good way to lower your own frequency. We often tend to carry a frequency similar to our friends, this is why so many outgrow friends after having a spiritual awakening. We literally outgrow people on an energetic level. 

Raising personal frequency is important. Lower vibrational energies literally cannot affect folks on a higher frequency. I made a conscious effort 7 years ago to change who I was. A girl in a rehab therapy group told me about myself and I did not like what I heard. She said I was one of the most negative people she had ever met and as I began to examine my behaviors and my words, I realized she was right. It took a couple years of conscious effort to change my mindset from negative to positive. I can say today the results have been priceless. I am very appreciative of her giving me a wake up call.

If what we are told is correct and atoms are in fact what compose matter; everything in this universe is sound. Atoms are said to be made of waves and vibrations. At the molecular level atoms don’t actually touch. Atoms get extremely close to one another but they never fully touch. They’re independent energy fields and when densely packed together atoms form matter. Matter is dense....which goes along with my observation of negatively charged energy being heavier. Higher dimensions are said to be heavenly and they also do not have dense physical matter. I’m not entirely certain that physical existence isn’t a prison for the spirit. Our bodies are made of cells, prisoners are put in cells. It is blatantly obvious that those in control of this realm would like humanity on the lowest frequency possible. One intention of mind control programming is to lower the frequency of mankind, keep man in a angry, fearful, depressed, lower vibrational state. It is highly likely there are malevolent beings harvesting humanity’s soul energy. This energy is called loosh. All emotions create loosh; for some reason negative emotions generate more or more desirable energy.

The negative humans and other unseen beings/energies who have been in control of this realm for thousands of years now feed on what is known as loosh. Loosh is the life force energy created by humans when they experience emotions. Low vibrational emotions such as anger, sadness, depression, and even apathy are preferred by these negative energies than the loosh generated by positive emotions. Feeding these malevolent energies is why so much programming is done to divide the people, to make us hate our lives and ourselves, to blame mankind for the evil here, and many other trauma based mind control tactics are in place to keep humanity in a lowered state of existence. There are individuals who feel a deep seeded guilt in the heart just for being born due to this programming! The moon is thought to be emitting a low frequency in order to mind control humanity. Hence why when at full power a.k.a. a full moon humans act crazier and even violent. A full moon is when the Saturn moon matrix broadcasts the strongest signal.

If you are a person who has discovered that evil is running this realm, the best thing you can do is to do the exact opposite of what the controllers want; work on making your life peaceful, exposing the evil, healing your trauma and reprogramming yourself, disengage from the “matrix” every way you can. Be mindful of where you spend money, try not to use money, watch your words, push out negative thoughts, and love yourself. Anyone “awake” should absolutely strive for a higher frequency, honestly everyone should strive for a higher frequency. Existence is much more enjoyable and calmer when you are on a higher frequency. The law of attraction is legitimate. We attract back to us exactly what we put out into this world. Putting out positivity attracts pleasant situations and focusing on negativity creates unpleasantries.

Extremely high and extremely low vibrations do not mix, they tend to separate themselves from one another instead. Society is currently being divided. Those who are fearful are going one way and those of us who want unity are going another. How this ultimately will play out, time will tell.  

Sleep paralysis is potentially based solely on frequency. Sleep paralysis occurs when your frequency is too low. I’ve heard folks say sleep paralysis is necessary for astral projection; that is not true. Sleep paralysis is unnatural and caused by a weapon of some kind. A frequency weapon. Those on a too high frequency cannot be manipulated by such technology.

In my opinion being on a higher frequency is better is because you have access to more spiritual information and any metaphysical ability you possess functions exponentially better on a higher frequency. When my frequency goes too low, certain abilities vanish. Frequency fluctuates regularly. It typically stays in a a range normal for you, but extraordinary events like a crisis or confrontation can dramatically drop one’s frequency; it can take days, weeks, or even months to recover from some circumstances. Recognizing how important frequency is and learning how to raise your frequency are important to spiritual development. When on a higher frequency you have a better connection with your intuition, are less susceptible to mind control programming, and psychic attack.

How to raise frequency.

Meditate regularly - at least three times a week for 15 minutes to start

Spend as much time as possible outside in nature

Daily Grounding/Earthing. Walking barefoot on the earth for 15 minutes every day. Weather permitting.

Positive thoughts, actions, words, and deeds. Developing positive mantras to repeat throughout the day is helpful.

Breath work

Engage in as little conflict and negativity as you can.

Avoid alcohol and prescription drugs.

Don’t be too serious or have too many expectations for this will create resentments. Events will never unfold as we expect them to, people are much better served by going with the flow and observing how events unfold as they happen; don’t anticipate events ahead of them occurring.

Work on conquering fears. Especially the fear of death.

Practice compassion, empathy, and kindness towards everyone. Humans are equal; one isn’t better than another. Our life choices and luck is often the only thing that separates us.

Laugh

Exercise. Make sure you do something you find fun, not something you dread. Any kind of physical activity where one is having fun will raise his vibe. Dancing is a personal favorite.

Take a break from technology

Be mindful of how much time you spend on technology. Put the phone down during dinner or when you should be engaging with the people literally in front of you.

Wear and decorate with crystals. Black tourmaline and obsidian are good for negativity.

Decorate with high vibrational plants jasmine, aloe vera, or a snake plant

Be mindful of what information you watch and listen to. Movies, TV, music, social media, etc. It is best to just turn off the TV for good. Television is a weapon. Be very conscious of what information you allow to enter your mind.

Minimize interaction with toxic people. Keep conversations short, topics shallow, and have an exit plan if at an event where the environment may get unpleasant. For example drive your own car, have a friend or the babysitter call and oops I have to go….boundaries to protect your energy aren’t bad.😉

Thank your food for its life and sustenance prior to consuming it (plant or animal.) Doing this changes the food into higher vibrational intake.

Regularly cleanse negative energy from your personal spaces. Energy cleansing methods are decluttering, letting fresh air and light in, clapping loudly in the corners of a room to move stagnant energy, smudging, epsom salt baths.

Aura cleansing, visualization, cord cutting meditations

The above tips will have a positive effect on your frequency. Remember your thoughts create your reality and you get back what you put out into the universe. If your thoughts are consistently negative be prepared to have negative experiences. If you are hopeful, have faith in your ability to manifest & the universe’s ability to make things happen for you, have generally positive and laid-back nature, you will reap great rewards and experience feelings of happiness, contentment, and abundance.

I feel it is obvious by the state of the world today that humanity has been in a very negative state of mind for quite some time. There are millions of us (if not billions) that are here to change this reality, not to adapt to it. We have been called Starseeds, indigo children, and light workers; regardless of label the intent is the same - to create a positive reality on earth, to rid this place of evil, to liberate humanity from enslavement, and teach them a new way to think. We are here to help humanity realize humans are powerful creator beings and these powers have been stripped away by literal genetic manipulation. It is time for the devolution of mankind to end and for humanity to begin ascending back to the higher dimensional consciousness we once were.

Favorite Media of 2020!

There was a large swathe of this year during which I was unable to concentrate on reading (as there probably was for a lot of other typically-frequent readers), so, as a result, I ended up listening to way more podcasts and watching way more TV shows. Not a bad thing, but boy did I read way less books than usual. 

However, for the first time in a while, the amount of fiction I read was about equal with the amount of nonfiction I read. Last year’s reading resolution was to read more fiction, so...success??

I did read a lot of phenomenal fiction when I had the energy to do so this year.

Books - Fiction

The Martian - Andy Weir

This book is the hardest of the hard sci fi I think I’ve ever read. Every single aspect of it is minutely researched and calculated. The author literally wrote equations to write this book. The science is insanely impressive and yet...it never loses its sense of humor or humanity in the mix. In fact, they’re the thing that drives the entire story.

Warlock Holmes - G. S. Denning

Way early in the year I was strolling down the fantasy aisle at the library, when this cover caught my eye. I took one look at it, went “oh, this looks silly” and...proceeded to devour the entire series in a matter of weeks. 

It is very silly. Especially when it’s pointing out something that was silly in the original. There’s something so satisfying about Watson immediately answering Holmes with the correct number of steps in their flat when he’s trying to make his point about how most people don’t pay attention to things like that.

World War Z - Max Brooks

Every single scenario in here could easily support an entire book. A park ranger whose job it is to contain the yearly zombie spring thaw? HECK YES. I’d read tens of thousands of words about that. A Chinese admiral who defaults, steals the government’s premier submarine, loads it up with the families of his underlings and takes to the sea for years to live in the maritime economy that has sprung up in a world where everyone is trying to escape the shore? That could be an entire movie on its own. 

Every chapter was more creative than the last and as a huge worldbuilding fan, this book was so, so fun.

An Unkindness of Ghosts - Rivers Solomon

In which a queer, neurodivergent protagonist solves a mystery on a spaceship which is a microcosm of antebellum era politics! This had a beautiful, mysterious, wonder-inducing writing style and it was a joy to peer into the wildly differing minds of every single character.

Books - Nonfiction

Underland - Robert MacFarlane

In every chapter, the author visits a different hole. Basically.

It’s an exploration of caves, catacombs, mines, nuclear waste facilities and the hidden underbelly of every forest. It was fascinating. And fundamentally changed how I look at time.

Rejected Princesses - Jason Porath

After years of having enjoyed the web entries, I finally got my hands on the first book and was not disappointed. 

There are the more entertaining entries, of course and the art is as charming as always, but what struck me the most were the more difficult stories. The deeper you go into this book, the more horrific it gets. The author does not hold back on the indignities suffered by the historical figures he writes about. It’s terrible...but also very, very illuminating.

The Gift of Fear - Gavin De Becker

This book - while maintaining all the essential information in it - could be pared down to one sentence in a sea of blank pages and that sentence would be: trust your instincts. End of story.

But in a world where instincts are either customarily suppressed or going haywire, it’s not quite that easy, which is why I’m glad there is more to the book.

I picked it up thinking “ha ha, betcha can’t help a person with anxiety who fears all the time already” and...what it actually ended up doing was giving me the tools to differentiate between real fear and unfounded fear. And did help with the anxiety quite a bit.

Fanfiction

Watch Over Me - cakeisatruth

A Bioshock fic from the point of view of a little sister who is learning how to trust and be an ordinary child again. Dark and sweet. An excellent combo.

All That is Visible - Ultima_Thule

An exploration of a minor character in a well researched historical context? That’s my jam! How did they know?? A Tron fic about what it’s like to be a female programmer in the 70s.

Graphic Novels

The Adventure Zone - McElroys + Carey Pietsch

Yesssssssss! It was a running-to-the-library type event whenever my library got a new volume in. The jokes are so good, the art is so lively and the ways in which they added the details that the podcast couldn’t necessarily get across is *mwah*

Trail of Blood - Shuuzou Oshimi

Hoooooooly shit, the art style of this one!! It’s beautifully detailed and expressive, sure, but the real draw for me was how it changes with the emotional state of the main character. There’s this sequence in which he’s consumed with anxiety at school and all of his classmates become blurry and unfocused, until they can’t be recognized as humans at all, that particularly sticks with me.

It’s a horror story about a kid who witnesses his loving mother push his cousin off a cliff for seemingly no reason and is then obligated by her to keep the secret, which is eating him from the inside out. It’s so good, guys, please read it.

Level Up - Gene Lien Yang/Thien Pham

A story about a kid who is haunted by his late father’s desire for him to become a gastroenterologist. It’s funny and touching and the ending gave me what I can only describe as a feeling of exhilaration. Y’know that feeling when something unexpected but not out of left field, perfectly in tune with the narrative arc and gut bustingly funny happens, all in the same panel? That one.

Film

Searching

This is a fairly standard thriller about a dad trying to find out what happened to his missing daughter. It’s also found footage...but not in the usual way, which was what made it so compelling to me. It’s told through the dad’s phone calls, google searches, social media interactions, news footage, security cameras and webcams. It was such a cool way to tell a story.

Train to Busan

There’s a lot that’s already been said about this movie and I don’t think there’s much more I can meaningfully add to that. Suffice to say that ya gotta take care of each other if you’re going to survive a zombie apocalypse!!

TV Series

My Brother’s Husband

As close to a perfect adaptation as a person can get (barring the entire conversation in English which was...oof). I was so happy when they took it a step further and showed Kana and Yaichi actually getting to meet Mike’s family.

Zumbo’s Just Desserts

I watched a lot of baking shows this year. Like...a lot. They were my much-needed comfort viewing for the year and this one was my favorite, even over The Great British Baking Show (which I LOVE). Why? Because the pastry chef for whom it’s named makes such bizarre and wonderful desserts and fosters an environment in which the competitors do the same. I’ve never seen anything like a lot of the desserts that make an appearance on this show. Every single episode was an awesome surprise and so help me, this show had better get a third season.

She-ra and the Princesses of Power

There’s also a lot that’s been said about this one, so I won’t say much more. Suffice to say: DAMN. That’s how you do an 80s toy tie-in cartoon remake.

Infinity Train

This show’s premise is probably the most unique I’ve seen in recent years. Its balance of comedy, horror and existential dread is also *mwah* I also love how much it trusts the viewer to figure things out on their own.

Primal

A late entry sliding in before the year ends! I finally got to watch the second half of the first season last weekend and it was EXCELLENT. The pacing, the brutal fight scenes, the adorable dinosaur antics, the animation, the quiet moments - *mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah*

The most emotional moment for me was the part in which the protagonists watch, with sorrow, as the rabid dinosaur who’s been trying to kill them all night dies an excruciating death.

Also it sets up a fascinating new plotline right before ending in a cliffhanger!! Another one for the ‘had better get a next season’ list.

Games

Night in the Woods

This is one that’s been on my to play list for a few years and I was so glad I finally got my hands on it. It’s like...The Millennial Experience (TM), the game. I felt so seen, playing it. The character writing was fantastic.

Prey

I don’t know why I put off finishing this for so long. I guess I wasn’t in the right alien killing headspace for a while?? Anyway, the setting is gorgeous, the alien biology is weird and cool, the ethics are delightfully murky and the interconnectedness of the station was really cool, especially in the OH SHIT moments at the end. 

Podcasts

The Adventure Zone

I tried to narrow this down to one favorite arc, but found that I couldn’t do it. I love Balance for its comedy and creative energy. I love Amnesty for its drama and acting. I am loving Graduation for the depth of its world and the way in which the real story behind everything that’s happened is slowly unfurling. It’s a good podcast all around.  

The Magnus Archives

Who obsessively listened to every single season while playing Minecraft in about a month? Surely not me, nooooo. Of course not.

There’s also been a lot said on this one, so I’ll keep it brief. I’ve seen things in here that I haven’t really seen elsewhere in horror. My particular favorites were the creepy psychiatric hospital in which the horror comes not from the patients, but from the denial of the doctor to believe them about their mental illnesses and every single thing related to the Anthropocene. The one with the Amazonian village made out of trash - CHILLS.

Blog Entry #2 – Representations of Gender in Shameless

Fiona – An Above Average Female Character

     Children are taught from a young age how to distinguish a male from a female. It is more than our parents telling us that girls wear pink and play with Barbies while boys wear blue and play with trucks; the messages put out by the media is the main contributor. Misrepresentations of gender are common in most television shows, typically depicting male characters as strong and masculine while depicting female characters as weak and girly. The journal article “Depictions of Gender on Primetime Television: A Quantitative Content Analysis,” examines stereotypical gender qualities of 89 television shows, coding for 1,254 characters (Sink and Mastro 10). The authors predicted that male characters would notably outnumber female characters, and the results supported this hypothesis: 60.4% of the characters were male, while only 39.6% of characters were female. Do these findings compare to gender representation in Shameless?

     It would be time-consuming to code the number of female and male character appearances across the ten seasons and over 80 episodes of Shameless. Still, one can examine the ten main characters: Fiona, Lip, Ian, Debbie, Carl, Liam, Frank, Monica, Kevin, and Veronica. Only four out of the ten main characters are female, and six out of ten are male. Based on the main characters, it can be argued that Shameless does not equally represent all characters, but there is more than just the quantity, and that is the characteristics. For this post, I will focus on Fiona Gallagher, played by Emmy Rossum.

Here is one of my favorite fan edits of Fiona that does an excellent job showcasing Fiona’s best and worst qualities and moments: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7Aq9QDEe5g&t=76s 

     This video portrays the many layers of Fiona and the complexity of her character. The many scenes of Fiona breaking down and crying could be used to support the argument that Fiona is a stereotypical female in that she is emotional and vulnerable. On the other hand, Fiona possesses many stereotypical male traits. She doesn’t fit into one gender category, as most characters do. For example, Alexa Will, a writer for Study Breaks, explains how, “Fiona assumes both parental roles - necessary because of her parents’ constant drug- and alcohol-fueled absences - and is a strong figurehead that balances an active sex life with manning the household of five kids” (Will). Fiona is a stereotypical female in the sense that she takes care of her younger siblings like a mother figure, but at the same time, is hard working. Her hard-working and badass traits can be shown through the array of jobs she has held. Fiona becomes a manager of Patsy’s Pies, the restaurant she previously waitressed at, then an owner of a laundromat, and an apartment landlord. In addition to jobs, Fiona’s actions show her character, especially her decision in season ten to leave the Southside and her siblings behind, finally prioritizing her needs and putting herself first (Will).

     Although Fiona is one of the main characters of Shameless, Joe Reid, a writer for the Atlantic, argues that she is also one of the most undervalued characters on television. He explains her character as having many contrasting impulses, such as hating her father while loving her siblings. He states, “Fiona’s the often frustrating, just as often heartbreaking soul of the show” (Reid). As mentioned previously, Fiona is a complex character who is ultimately addicted to a chaotic lifestyle, which is abnormal for a stereotypical female.

     Also, it is significant to look at Fiona’s physical attributes that compare to gender representation. Fiona can be identified as a typical female, characterized by long hair, but not all females have long hair. It is also a common misconception that females wear dresses and appear clean, but Fiona crushes these stereotypes. She is shown wearing all different kinds of clothes, usually pants and a top, rarely a dress in only a few episodes.

     In comparing Fiona to the content analysis, she can somewhat be characterized as a stereotypical female. The authors predicted that female characters would be sexualized more than male characters but found that “…men were significantly more objectified than women, yet women were significantly more attractive, more likely to behave sexually provocatively, thinner, and younger than men” (Sink and Mastro 13). Fiona is thin, young, and is shown wearing sexually revealing outfits in some episodes, such as wearing a short tight dress and high heels to the nightclub.

 Photo above shows Fiona in two opposite outfits and appearances: clean vs. dirty

      Finally, gender is represented in the television series through Fiona’s romantic relationships with about eight different men. And with all these relationships comes many scenes, including sex and nudity. Emmy Rossum deserves all the recognition for her amazing performance as Fiona. Rossum discusses her nudity scenes in an interview with Huff Post. Rossum notes that she is not comfortable with being nude, but it is okay when in character because Fiona is open with her sexuality.

Watch the full interview here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=LLIjD0c4YsDfCg9eMh61B6vg&v=J_SJytH3-4Y 

     Although men have come and gone through Fiona’s life, she proves she does not need a man in her life; she is a strong independent woman, rare for many television and movie characters. It is crucial for all media to include more counter-stereotypical characters or even characters with both female and male traits, like Fiona.

Photo above shows Fiona and one of her many boyfriends: Jimmy AKA Steve

     It is important to hear what Rossum has to say about her character because she knows Fiona best. Here is another video in which Rossum discusses her character - Fiona Gallagher - in the upcoming season of Shameless and explains how Fiona is coming into herself and succeeding for the first time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftDprjWx21M 

Citations:

Reid, Joe. “Why Isn't Shameless' Fiona Treated Like the 'Difficult Men' of TV?” The Atlantic, 2 Feb. 2015, www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2015/02/why-isnt-shameless-fiona-treated-like-the-difficult-men-of-tv/385028/

Sink, Alexander, and Dana Mastro. “Depictions of Gender on Primetime Television: A Quantitative Content Analysis.” Mass Communication & Society, vol. 20, no. 1, Jan. 2017, pp. 3–22. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1080/15205436.2016.1212243.

Will, Alexa Katherine. “'Shameless' Continues To Be a Show About Living Life on the Margins.” Study Breaks, 19 Oct. 2020, https://studybreaks.com/tvfilm/shameless-shamelessly-real/