#or like Too Exaggerated. like people will believe i'm disabled but not /that/ disabled | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sol1loqu1st · 5 months

Text

ok can i be honest with you guys for a second. i know i said that i was gonna mostly keep the plurality shit to myself because i feel like it's pretty private and currently really tangled with cptsd and i just don't want plurality to be like. The Thing People Associate Me With, but after talking with my therapist about it and kind of coming to the conclusion that yeah, that probably is what's going on with me, i'm realizing that i have a whole lot of shame and fear mixed up in it too and a Semi-Popular Blogger(tm) (not naming names but like. yeah) recently published a long post out of nowhere complaining about how they could never be friends with plural people because they feel like they've been Pulled Into Somebody's Groupchat Drama and like i keep playing that in my head and feel like i'm going to lose all my friends if i don't make sure to keep it to myself. i feel like i'm finally figuring something out about myself and what's going on with me, but it's something that is judged and mocked by literally everyone, including otherwise perfectly nice people, and i'm honestly really scared that if i were to be even a little open about it, i would start to get dms from friends asking to cut things off or letting me know that they couldn't deal with me right now or whatever, even if it turned out that Embracing It(tm) and being a bit more open about it is like, a healthy step in the right direction. like i'm terrified i'm gonna lose people under the guise of "i can't be friends with a groupchat" even if the way i interact with people wouldn't change at all aside from *maybe* occasionally mentioning that it's a different alter than usual

#idk. i live in constant debilitating fear that there's A Line where my disabilities and mental illnesses are going to become Too Much #or like Too Exaggerated. like people will believe i'm disabled but not /that/ disabled #also ngl the fact that literally only people In The Plural Community bothered to stick up for. like. plurality. when [popular user] decided #to randomly go after--again--AN INSANELY STIGMATIZED GROUP OF MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE #like. HELLO??? why is this ok??? if they'd said that about basically any other group outside of like. other stigmatized cluster b disorders #(which they also kinda threw under the bus in some of their responses to people going 'hey maybe don't talk like that??')#there would have been ENORMOUS backlash #but most of the response is just like. a bunch of people quietly liking the post and being supportive of them like they'd posted #a slightly controversial fandom opinion instead of full on contributing to the stigma against a marginalized group #UGH i'm just. Mad And Kinda Ashamed

17 notes · View notes

melodymorningdew · 2 months

Text

Ableist language content warning:

Just a PSA: Many people believe they aren't ableist but as soon as someone's disability inconveniences them in the slightest, they're immediately up in arms about how horrible this person is for being disabled.

So tired of hearing "you have to help yourself"

"Have you tried [insert completely unhelpful tip]"

"You can't expect the world to bend to your will." (When asking for accommodations)

"You don't LOOK disabled."

"Well you did ___ yesterday why can't you do it today?"

"You need to stop making excuses."

"You complain too much."

"You can do anything if you put your mind to it."

"You just have to force yourself to work you have no choice."

"Just go home if you're going to act like that [my legs collapsing beneath me/fainting/saying I'm having a panic attack]" (same people who tell me I just need to push through)

"Oh that person is being so rude" (when they are overwhelmed and unable to carry on a normal masked conversation bc they are overwhelmed)

"ADHD isn't an excuse to be late or forget things you can set alarms and have planners"

I and many others are rightfully pissed off at being dismissed and condescended to and belittled and stomped into the dirt EVERY OTHER DAY. (Not exaggerating.)

91 notes · View notes

xxlovelynovaxx · 10 months

Text

Re: the last post.

Someone with severe sensory issues is just as unable to watch many movies or go places with certain lighting as someone with a migraine or seizure disorder.

Not only that, but a complete neurodivergent meltdown is just as likely to cause them to hurt themselves or others as a seizure or migraine is to cause damage to themselves (or others).

Severe executive dysfunction or schizospec catatonia makes someone just as unable to move as literal paralysis for the duration. Yes, it being temporary does change the exact nature of their accessibility needs. It's like the difference between losing speech and semiverbality/nonverbality.

My lack of interoception has basically the same effect on me as physical incontinence. My executive dysfunction bars me from doing the exact same things my chronic pain and POTS ALSO bar me from doing.

My sensory food issues combine with my GI sensitivities and MCAS to cause severe malnutrition, absorption issues, and whole body health issues - ranging from worsening pain flareups to worsening executive dysfunction to diarrhea to brain fog to POTS flareups to memory issues.

There are things I could not do at gunpoint, that I am technically physically "capable" of doing, because of neurodivergence. I have cognitive disabilities. My brain also is what sends the signals to my body to do stuff. If it refuses to send those signals or sends them wrong, get this - I am just as unable to do the thing as if my brain couldn't send the signals because the nerves themselves were severed.

There is no "overcoming" this. That's not how disability works. That's an ableist narrative, that if you just "try hard enough" that your brain or body can magically become abled. When someone tells you they literally cannot enter a certain store because their sensory issues make them violently ill, you don't tell them "no, you can, don't make this about you". You BELIEVE them.

The alternative is doing the neurodivergent equivalent of "so what if there's not a wheelchair ramp, if you try harder you can just walk in". I'm not exaggerating.

If you think this is me being ableist because you think there's a difference between the body not being physically capable of something and the brain not being physically capable of something, you need to examine your bias against neurodivergent people. You need to examine why you think ND people can just "get over" their disabilities and why you're acting like it's "just in our heads".

You need to examine why you're acting like all neurodivergent people have the same low support needs that they can push through and mask up too. You need to examine why you treat someone who has fluctuating needs as if they're always capable of doing the thing - especially because as an ambulatory wheelchair user, there are days when no, I can't actually access places without the wheelchair.

You need to examine your ableism.

In case any of you have skipped over the multiple times I've said this, too, I'm neurodivergent AND physically disabled. I have every right to have an opinion on neurodivergent accessibility as it relates to physical accessibility. I have every right to have an opinion on ND inclusion in physically disabled spaces. And I'll remind you, if you care about excluding ND people more than including physically disabled people, to the point you exclude people who are both?

You're just an ableist.

#ableism

352 notes · View notes

equalperson · 3 months

Text

being autistic and avoidant

i've noticed that both my avoidant personality and my autistic neurology impact each other greatly. still, even though it's one of the more frequent personality diagnoses alongside autism, i don't really see anyone talk about what being an avoidant autistic is like.

that being said, here are a few ways i notice they interact in my personal experience:

cognitive empathy

a major part of both disabilities are their impacts on cognitive empathy. autism often causes people to avoid assuming others' thoughts and feelings, while avoidants tend to assume these feelings are negative and personal.

before i developed my avoidant personality, i fell into the latter category. people could be blatantly unhappy and i'd just...assume things were fine.

at this point, however, my avoidant perspective-taking has definitely become my main thought process. i always feel like people hate me or what i'm doing or just generally aren't in the mood to deal with me.

i wouldn't say that i "have cognitive empathy" now, but moreso that i'm too focused on avoiding rejection to not be constantly assume the worst.

self-esteem

another part of avoidant personality is the idea that you're socially inept, regardless of evidence. being autistic complicates this since--by definition--all autistic people would be considered "socially inept" by society.

this makes it difficult to know when autistic self-awareness ends and avoidant self-deprecation begins. am i incapable of [social thing] because i'm autistic, or because i simply don't believe i am?

at points, i've questioned my autism due to this. like, maybe i'm just exaggerating; i've seen allistic avoidants mistake it for autism before, as well.

however, others' perspectives and my significant restrictive/repetitive behavior makes it clear that it's not just me.

self-direction

my ability to manage myself is impacted by both my autism and my avoidance.

on the one hand, autism gives me executive dysfunction, autistic inertia, and rituals that are rigid to the point of self-sabotage.

but on the other hand, being avoidant makes me too self-conscious to take care of myself easily, namely considering that i don't live alone, thus am in a constant state of social vigilance.

for example, i've yet to learn how to cook.

one issue is that i've gotten so used to the routine of having food made for me that it's triggering to be suddenly encouraged to change, but another is that i'm afraid of the attention taking any initiative would bring.

i don't believe i'd be shamed for it, but being avoidant makes any attention feel intimidating to me; it's not purely a fear of criticism, but generally a fear of recognition (which is ironic considering that i'm also a narcissist, making me very attention-seeking, as well).

social skills

not only does being avoidant impact how i think of my social abilities, but also how i utilize them.

being alexithymic, it can be hard to understand even my own motivations in things. at points, i can't tell if i'm being quote/unquote "socially inept" because i can't understand the situation or because i simply don't want to make any moves.

for example, i almost never make eye contact with others. i originally thought of this as part of my autism, but i honestly can't tell if it's that or my avoidant personality.

on the one hand, eye contact is sincerely overwhelming, but on the other, i can easily do it with animals, fictional characters, and my own reflection. i also made eye contact pre-avoidance. maybe i'm simply too afraid of the intimacy, not actually sensory-sensitive to it?

in other situations, it can be a mixture of both autism and avoidance.

for example, i tend to avoid initiating conversations. i don't want to draw attention to myself or risk rejection, but i also genuinely don't know how i'm expected to start a conversation at all.

external perceptions

i've been told that my social anxiety is obvious, but not my autism. if most people knew what avoidant personality was, i assume i'd probably be recognized as outright avoidant very easily.

pretty much everyone considers me withdrawn in some way. i've been called quiet, indecisive, easy (as in "passive"), reserved, and various similar words.

in some cases, this works in my favor. there have been situations where people have treated me even friendlier than they do others because they see me as fragile.

in many other cases, this works against me; people avoid me because i'm too withdrawn for their tastes. this enables my avoidant behavior, as it affirms--and partially caused--my belief that no one could actually want to be around me.

in other cases, people don't see me as anxious, but just emotionally cold. people have sometimes questioned if i hated them or was angry with them due to my behavior. however, this is typically due to explicitly autistic behavior rather than anything avoidant.

apparently, people also see me as somewhat eccentric. my mom described it once as "the many quirks of ian." i'm not fully aware what these quirks are, but they're there.

#autism #avoidant personality disorder #avpd #actually autistic #actually avoidant #actually avpd

47 notes · View notes

touretteculture · 10 months

Text

QOTD:

What's your experience with being a disabled person with Tourette's? Do you consider yourself disabled because of your Tourette's?

How do you live with it? How do you struggle? How have you come to accept it, even if not love it.

For example, this is my story.

I remember when I was younger, tics were very debilitating, I had many tic attacks at school AND when I got home, I had coprolalia and copropraxia, at the very age of 11-10,

I couldn't write, nor draw, nor concentrate in class because I was too busy trying to suppress my tics, which was almost impossible, I would hit myself, I would whistle, violently shake my head to the side, to the point of bones cracking, and punch my thigh, and somehow, people, teachers, didn't notice, only my friends, I remember one time they laughed at me, and I never could took that off my mind ever, I hit myself with the bookshelf behind me, after copying what my friend said, and it was embarrasing, it was always embarrasing, and scary, imagine you're a 11 year old teen trying to figure it out WHY does your body did not listen to you, to what you wanted to do, why couldn't you control yourself.

Why did my mouth say or did weird things,

Why was I so weird.

And people did not believe me, even though I struggled, and struggled so much, I would cry every night because my body was exhausted, tired is not enough, my body would ache and ache, after and even when I did not have a tic attack.

Tic attacks are... terrible, and it feels like I'm exaggerating it, but it is horrible, is tics non-stop, swear words, ugly gestures, tired body, aching head, at least for me. Trying to hide from my mom, because she always thought it was a ''bad habit''.

So I grew up scared, and sensitive and insecure about it, people, a neurologist thought I was faking it, and every time someone looks at me in the way she looked at me, it makes me think, ''they think I fake it'', and I grew up thinking that I was doing that, until I was 13 and told my psychiatrist with a big fear of her not believing me, I was scared, and with help of a friend, I told her.

The diagnosis was on, and I never accepted it, I still can't accept it sometimes, but it has gone better,

and then I see people saying they're proud of their Tourette's, of their disability, that they love themselves, ''How could they be proud? ''How could I be proud of a condition that has been hurting me for so long?''

But I want to love my body and my brain, how it is, I don't need to change it, even if I can't do things sometimes, even if I take longer to do stuff, I'm worthy either way, even if sometimes I can't do those things other people can.

I lived to long on fear, disgust and insecurity.

And it's time to simply just try and accept what I have.

Because I will not live like that again.

#disability #disability pride month #tourette #tourette's syndrome #tics #motor tics #vocal tics #actually tourettic

15 notes · View notes

chaoss-incarnate · 3 months

Text

hi everyone! i don't think people are really interested but since i started talking about a possible disability, my cane, etc, on here, i thought i might update jsjsj

SO i went to the doctors three (i think?) weeks ago, and he told me that the problems i was having were caused by bad posture and my feet are a weird shape because of me walking weird (i was not aware of this lmaooo). so he said i should start swimming (i was gonna start this week but i got super sick).

the problem. my issues are DEFINETLY not caused by the shape of my feet and poor posture. i mean, i could certainly improve my posture and do more exercise (in fact, i'm working on it, remembering to sit up straight, doing stretching/yoga usually once a day, etc), but like?? theres def an underlying problem that i think is chronic pain and fatigue. like, doing simple tasks around the house leaves me pretty tired (like now for example, i washed the dishes, cleaned the stove and brushed the floor, and my back, arms and knees are KILLING me, and i feel pretty lightheaded). so yeah, i know this is most likely worsened by the fact that im sick and on my period (triple whammy lmao) but its been getting worse for over a month. like, i leave my house and stay out for like 3-4h doing errands and shit and i can barely walk home, having to use my cane AND my mum's support to walk around. it just kills me. plus sometimes my legs get so tired from pain and shit that my knees buckle and they hit the floor, overall making it worse. plus my fucking migraines-

okay, im SO SORRY for ranting about this, its turned into a vent about my pain and honestly you dont have to read it. the thing is that me and my mum were planning to go to the emergency room at some point when possible, but today she told me to call my regular doctor? i haven't done it yet since i want her to explain why to me.

one big problem regarding this is that i downgrade my symptoms to people, i worry about being a nuisance. however, i do this at the doctors too, and thats not good because they wont take me seriously unless i tell them everything (and maybe even exaggerate a little, everyone says to do it). if anyone has any tips for this lmk .

also! i quite like my cane but sometimes i believe that i could use some more support, and i really hurt my arms and shoulders using my cane. i was looking into crutches? im honestly not sure. anyways, if you have an opinion also lmk <3

i apologise for this absolute rant, but i think i needed it, thanks for reading if you've reached here

extra: i was reading about spoon theory and i definetly will be using!

#disability #unknown disability #cane user #idk man help

3 notes · View notes

tecchous-thicc-buttocks · 6 months

Note

tips for self confidence? 💓

random af ask but WOO!!! I LOVE ANONS

i've got one main philosophy when it comes to self confidence and that is that insecurity isn't real.

im a person. if I see another person, I would think something about them for like a few seconds then move on with my life. that's literally how I treat myself. "oh i'm ugly" cool thought that lasts 2 seconds. "i'm so damn gorgeous" lasts 5-10 seconds max. onto the next.

my advice is to redirect your doubts away from yourself as an entire person and instead see it as parts of you that you can always improve on. today, you may feel that you're not a worthy person because you got a bad grade on an exam or made mistakes at work, but try to isolate that single aspect away from "you" as a whole. if you wouldn't define yourself based on one good day, you shouldn't for a bad one.

remember that you are not one thing. you are not just your looks, and if you find yourself unattractive, you don't need to be intelligent or funny in order to compensate for this. you don't owe anyone anything, and you don't need to earn the right to exist.

that's in terms of self-love ofc. for the confidence part, it's practice tbh. approach people randomly and give them a compliment. don't overthink before you act, and just do it ™. it is never as deep as you think it is. ask yourself if you saw someone else doing this, what would you think? and when I say that it's practice, I mean try to do more and more little things until it becomes second nature.

I'll give a concrete example: I've been on crutches for the past 10 weeks and take public transportation for a few hours almost daily. when I get on, sometimes there aren't available seats, and I was never able to ask someone to get up and give me their seat. "what if they have a disability I can't see? I'm only on crutches it's just temporary, it's not my right to ask someone to stand up for me. I don't want to be rude" writing it out, I sound pretty stupid, but honestly it took someone else (who was also standing) asking a seated person to get up for me to make me realize I'm lacking confidence for absolutely no reason. If the roles were swapped and I was sitting and saw someone in crutches, I would be the one feeling embarrassed if they asked me to take my seat, not the other way around.

all of this to say that it's always worse in your head than it really is. write out your fear or say it out loud or just verbalize it in your mind and you'll realize how silly it is. I believe that self-confidence is exaggerated nowadays because everything is about the self and the way you're perceived by others, but it really isn't. yeah I'm not the most eloquent person out there. I tend to talk too much when I should really keep things to myself. so what? what's so wrong with that? I work on myself and hope to get better at it someday, but I know my worth. on a fundamental level, I know I'll never be satisfied with myself, but I never equate that with what I am or what I deserve, and that's the essential message of all of this. love isn't about cherishing something perfect and neither is self-love. now read that sentence again.

ty for your ask anon, and I hope whoever you're asking this q for, got even a crumb of what I said and it helped them a little. I'd tell you that you're gorgeous and slay and all that jazz but I think it's more pertinent to tell you that someone, somewhere in this world is creating an oc that looks and acts just like you, wanting to BE you. have a GREAT day and remember to commit tax fraud cutely while hydrating your veins.

#answering asks #STILL I was not expecting this kind of ask #tbh I love it tho if you'd asked me this last year I would've written a whole essay but now idk #taking a moment to step back from your life is great because it gives perspective as to WHY you're doing/thinking something #I did have that moment where everything in my life stopped and now I'm just happy to feel things strongly and live life #anyways anon drop in my dms or askbox again if you want more!! i'm happy to oblige teehee #sorry this took so long btw!!!

2 notes · View notes

ilgaksu · 8 months

Note

Oohhh if you're still doing these: 🤲 and 🧠 (for Hei Xiazi)

Good luck with work proposal things, or if I'm late: I hope it went well!

i am absolutely still doing these!!! i'll keep doing them as long as people keep asking them <3

from these fic writer asks

🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip?

(from in me is where the horror is, a wip fic with gender dysphoria, smut, and cohen's 7 monster theses as they apply to xie yuchen)

Look at him, he wouldn’t know what to do with a dick if he was given a diagram, he heard one mercenary say, pure as the driven fucking snow or some shit, and that was safer, among this sort of company, not to correct the assumption: to be viewed as hermeneutically sealed. Honestly, Xie Yuchen sort of found it funny. When the same man died the next day, Xie Yuchen simply stepped over the body and kept going onwards towards the real goal.

Recently, at least he’s been able to sit next to Hei Xiazi while listening to the bragging of some minor asshole about some girl in some city somewhere, and been able to tell in the rising corner of Hei Xiazi’s mouth that they both heard the exaggerations.

“Bet you fifty yuan he can’t find a clitoris with a map,” Hei Xiazi murmurs, or something along those lines, every time, his whole body a comforting press along Xie Yuchen’s side; and then he laughs, delightedly, when Xie Yuchen hands him the money on the spot.

“Don’t be absurd, Xiazi,” he replies, low in his ear. “He’d have to believe it was real.”

🧠 Pick a character, and I’ll tell you my favorite headcanon for them.

Ohhh, I mean, I think the obvious favourite headcanon of mine is Hei Xiazi as a medical student in Weimar Republic Germany. When I first started in the fandom, I hadn't seen any ideas really situating him there in English, and I actually do very little historical research for it - 1920s Europe is already an interest, so I know a lot of it by heart. I also lived in Germany very briefly. I think the upheaval and insecurity of Weimar Germany really fit with Hei Xiazi's sense of being dragged forward through eras and forced, like the Roman curse, to live in interesting times. I don't consider Mongolian Hei Xiazi a headcanon, because it is canon, but I am also very partial to my headcanon that he is the son of a concubine or second wife, and so grew up in a household answering to his own biological mother and to the first wife of his father.

I also think it's worth noting that I consciously chose to diverge from canon and have him going blind as the result of a then-unknown eye condition before he becomes immortal. He's already Hei Xiazi in mine, down to being blind, by the time immortality comes to get him. That was important to me. I don't dispute authorial choices and I don't presume to know the intent behind them, but honestly, as a reader and creator, I'm tired of disability in media being the result of something mystical or otherworldly. Disability is the most ordinary thing in the world; it's the biggest minority in the world, which anyone can join at any point in their lives, and if they're lucky to live a long life likely will. (I have a lot of other feelings about why I picked this so if you ever want to know, you can always ask, I just don't want to go off on my finely-crafted Hei Xiazi and Disability soapbox for too long unprompted.)

However, I'm going to pick something smaller: the headcanon that Hei Xiazi was 36 when he had his first sexual experience with another man is my favourite for him, especially when you remember that I write him as having been sexually active, on and off, from the age of 17. It's important for me to honour the queer experience as one that can feel like you're racing to make up for lost time, or one with a delayed start, but also for a character who I conceive of as so fiercely and unashamedly queer by the point we meet him in canon to have had an implied period of self-reckoning. For me, Hei Xiazi is a character who wants to appear effortless and yet all of it is very, very earned, and this for me was both a first hint of that to readers in my work and also a first hint of that to Xie Yuchen.

#more than one answer to a question yet again i guess #thank you so much i'm loving these!!!!#silver-colour #asks

6 notes · View notes

rs00l2 · 9 months

Text

looking, browsing around

the usual, anything note worthy? No not necessarily but after seeing this uhmm "newsletter" report from a local homeless center (not going to say specifically which one) there where a couple of videos that I reluctantly watch, as I suspected they are full of shit made for dumbasses with holes in their pockets to eat up in the hopes they'll throw some money at the bureaucratic institute it is, smh.

Lol, this one video in particular that opens with some old geezer talking about living under a bridge (boo-hoo)

🚩(beware of people's stories that begin or say they live/living under a bridge, believe me when I tell you often be the case those people are pretty bad. "Living under a bridge" is a kind/type of text book response, they know it works. Don't believe me? ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ still, I'm gonna make this post anyway because of what I saw in the video AND the fact that nobody over at the shelter stopped and said wait a minute, this...this doesn't sound right I think we should redo it

Old man's voice in video: "I was living under a bridge, sometimes wondering if I'm going to eat something today.... then I say, nah I'ma gonna get some whiskey instead 😎"

I'm like, is this for real?...wow

...Maybe I should do the same, I'm going about it the wrong way, maybe it's time to do what they do but what can I say to really get some sympathy? 🤔hmmm

Me: I live in the outmost darkest regions of the subway(what subway? the one under the bridge), I befriended giant rats, my only company those giant rats. I sometimes wonder if I'm going eat anything today... I pull out my free government issued android phone, I call my government benefits debit card and it tells me I have an available balance amount of 3,500 dollars, *starts sobbing* I guess the only thing I can afford is beer and meth, I mean, I would like to eat something but I can't afford it 😢. Looking into housing I saw all these places that offered a two or three bedroom place for 400 up to 650 a month and all I got is 3,500 and I get like two or three checks totaling to about 2000 dollars, suppose I could go back to the workforce but I don't want to lose that disability check you know what I'm saying 😉

Is this too sarcastic? Maybe I exaggerated a bit too much

2 notes · View notes

that-gay-jedi · 2 years

Text

It should actually literally, in all seriousness and with no caveats, be illegal to have a society in which people with like 9 usable hours max on a good day have to work 8hrs/day to make rent, at that point your job is consuming your entire life in the most literal sense and esp when after stringing 5 of those together I'm usually bedridden at least half the weekend.

I feel so weird complaining about it because my current job treats me so much better than the other job I left (which was, without exaggeration, physically killing me and thank fuck I managed to bail when I did) but then if I look at it objectively instead of comparatively it's like. Even if they weren't wringing their money's worth out of every minute I'm clocked in, and believe me they are, it's still past what anyone in touch with reality would calculate as realistic.

Hell if I were being paid to pet puppies for 8 hrs/day that's still all my usable hours on my best day. That's not even getting into what happens on the days that many of my clocked in hours are stretching the definition of "usable." I'm actually quote-unquote lucky in a twisted way that I can just drain all my reserves and suffer the consequences on the weekend bc otherwise I'd be hitting fire-able levels of unproductivity or worse.

And this job has me poking my little disabled fingers around in people's bank accounts in such a way that one wrong click can create a situation that fucks somebody's life up for weeks. Previous job was more stressful because of the toxic environment but the trade off was the quality control was such trashgarbage that an abled person could probably clock in hammered drunk and be fine.

The level of responsibility here however is enough that you're never really doing it on autopilot. Hell if I *really* click the wrong thing or disclose the wrong information I could theoretically go to frickin jail. Basically every decision I make on and off the clock has to be based on what's going to allow me to remain vertical and verbal during work hours.

I know I'm absolutely not the only person who in a reasonable society would be either unemployed or working vastly reduced hours. Hell, once again it's a sick kind of privilege that I have to choose between chronic overwork and houselessness because not everybody who got priced off disability by the rising cost of living even had that choice.

I dunno pals it's just all my words like unsustainable, irrational, unhealthy and unjust are far too mild to describe our current social structures and even calling things flat-out unacceptable has kind of lost its meaning at this point.

15 notes · View notes

100110010111000 · 2 years

Text

yes, im going to say it: i do not like jennette mccurdy.

in fact, i quite frankly hate her.

and before you all jump to attack me, please listen to what i have to say as i explain why:

all jennette mccurdy does is complain about her life even though she got the privilege to be a famous actor and have her talents recognized and make a lot of money. my mom is abusive but im not rich and famous. i was/am abused by my mom AND i have mental disorders AND im disabled AND im lgbt AND im poor AND my talents arent well-known AND my mom is still alive

and shes complaining about her character slapping people with a ham sandwich and the brightly colored set of sam & cat and working with a ditzy girl with a high pitched voice and being recognized as sam in public as if those are not extremely privileged things to complain about lmao. she may have been jealous of ariana bc she "didnt get it as good as her" (even though im sure ariana was being abused too) but does she not realize that she was still an extremely famous, rich actor? and that 99% of girls are jealous of HER?

i have no sympathy for rich famous people no matter what. sorry. countless girls have gone through the same thing as jennette at home and at work, have eating disorders and were sexually abused by their boss or mentally abused by their mothers, but they arent famous rich actors so they cant tell anyone and no one believes them and theyre poor and cant afford treatment and they continue to suffer and jennettes memoir does not help them or speak to them at all. they dont get to write a memoir and make millions of dollars off of it bc they were already famous. (plus, people think this type of abuse, mistreatment, and mental distress is just an actor-only thing or that actors get it the worst. anyone will listen to and believe a rich famous person, but poor people are still gonna go through this shit everyday, get the worst of it plus more, and nothing is going to change for them.)

many people, especially women, and including literal children, spend all of their time working their asses off full time/overtime and are mistreated, abused, and sexually abused or harrassed by their bosses and customers, while being paid minimum wage and getting zero recognition. they get nothing in return and still struggle to survive among all things. actors are not special except for the fact that they are rich and well-known.

im not about the "other people have it worse" type of mindset but here is where it absolutely, indisputably applies.

on top of all of this, much of jennette's memoir is very clearly exaggerations and even lies. first of all, no one can recall every detail of events like that down to exactly how each conversation went; that is quite literally impossible. and second of all, if you are a writer, it is very easy to tell that much of it was made up for artistic purposes

i'm allowed to have my own opinions. this is them. you can like her if you want, but i dont, and i think my reasons are valid. i have trauma too, and my experiences are why i feel this way. i dont think that should be disregarded.

8 notes · View notes

daz4i · 1 year

Text

in addition to disability grief I'm also just. angry

but i can't let it out on the people I'm actually mad at

it's just. for months my family and friends told me I'm lazy and that i could be doing more, but ever since that suspicion that i may have a chronic illness came up they've all been more gentle to me is that regard

and I'm just angry. bc all this time I've been telling them that I'm in pain. i wasn't exaggerating when i said i can't move or get out of bed from how much pain I'm feeling. and up until i got a doctor to confirm that my pain isn't just psychosomatic (not that they should've done it in that case either), none of them believed me and it always felt like they think I'm making excuses (honestly saying "it felt like" is me being kind. most of them told me to my face that I'm making excuses and then said I'm being dramatic when i got hurt by that)

it's kind of like. you could've been treating me this way this whole time. but you refused to listen to me. you just made me feel worse when i was already in pain and you never even apologized bc i doubt you remember you did it. and there's no point in me bringing it up now, so all i can do is vent about it where you won't see

i think this is why them trying to comfort me these days feels hollow too. it's not their intentions, i know they mean well, but my memory of these earlier events makes it feel... hypocritical, in a sense, even though i know it's not what's going on

I'm trying to be logical about this but i can't stay calm. I'm mad at them for that. and I'm mad at them for not letting me process my pain before they try to be optimistic and tell me it might get better (i don't care. this isn't what i need right now, or ever. i definitely don't want to hear about people i don't know who are living with the same condition. just like it doesn't help when you say it about depression or bpd or any other shit I've got going on. optimism makes me feel worse 10/10 times and it feels like you're trying to cheer yourself up rather than actually comforting me). and I'm mad at the random people telling me i could learn to live with it (i don't want to. i want to die.) and I'm mad at the fact this is happening at all and mostly I'm just mad that I'm still alive

and I'm mad that i have no way to let this anger out other than ig make a tumblr post about it

#vent #idek how to tw tag this #um there's mentions of medical stuff and of death maybe? and ig general depression stuff you know the drill

5 notes · View notes

thanatos-drive · 2 years

Text

How do I put the read more thing?

Exactly a month since an attempt on my life.

I've had a plan to do something before I turned 35 or after I turned 35. I talked with someone with eds about why that particular age but I always thought my body would be shreds by then, something felt wrong with it. The person said the brain knows.

It certainly proved to be that way.

For a while I kept thinking to myself I'm all talk and that I would never take that leap because I had obligations, friends I would disappoint and people who would find me. The shame of that brought me pause. And that im just too much of a pussy to do it. But at the time I did it nothing mattered, I just wanted to escape this pain.

In the end it had nothing to so with how ill end up homeless and carless soon, how my last relationship was a joke, how ill likey never hold down a job even if a graduate, and how at this point I'll never meet someone even if I've come to terms I'm in a asexual spectrum, and how my current hip doctor is scoffind and ignoring my calls (he doesnt think i can be in that much pain). None of my concerns mattered all I wanted to do was escape the pain which has gotten so bad since I fell down the stairs.

That's ultimately why I'm doing prolo even though I intended to do that 5 years from now. Why I did a gofundme even though I feel like a leech and a loser and could risk loosing friends. I know I'm not all talk anymore. I know that if given the chance to kill myself I might do it now.

The person that intervened and help me did ask for my info and I got his. The police got involved which is something I've been afraid of. Someone coming to the house I'm in and following up on it or say there was a charge for it. But I dont think it will happen. The person helped me a lot, a total stranger helped me so much and said his only condition for it is he didn't wanna read something in the news about someone with my name killing themselves so I better not make him regret not doing more. So I am/have, I am pulling all my cards on the deck lately.

Starting next week I will be seen someone weekly. A doctor keeps insisting I should be detained at least until some more time passes. But I can't afford to. I need to do school, I need to keep up prolo. I need to keep trying to find housing.

Doing numbers I cant afford a place over $400 a month. It needs to have a bed because I can't lift over 10 pounds, it needs to be disability accessible and in a sage neighborhood. That place doesn't exist. I don't know where to look anymore.

My mom has stopped helping she's at the point where she believes this disease must be God's plan, since last week when I found out I inherited she's been sorta angry at me when I suggested checking my nephew for it. She sorta revealed she thinks I'm exaggerating it or that it's not real and how dare I wish this on other people. That God is too great and he would not let him have this. I've sensed this is how she feels for a while. Something similar is going on with my uncle. The only two people that could help me think I'm exaggerating or pretending. So does my ex.

I was looking into getting a gun before, something I knew nothing about (there is no mental health background check? What?), because I'm afraid where I'll live next. I've been robbed and had my room broken in before. I wanted something to defend myself. But now it just seems like surefire temptation.

Not to mention it would be a jerk thing to do to someone I've connected with.

Passive shit won't do it. I need to watch out for me. I can't promise I won't do it anymore like I used to. Again, I know I'm not all talk anymore.

#suicide tw #suicide mention #actuallysuicidal #ehlers danlos problems #thanatos drive adventures #thanatosdrive adventures #ehlers danlos syndrome #ehlers danlos type 3 #ehlers danlos #eds

4 notes · View notes

boyakishan · 6 months

Text

There's literally only three options for me.

1. A full psychopath who tells you everything you want to hear, manipulation in a way you can't really argue against other than to cut me out.

2. A childish baby man who's blunt, honest and fully willing to explain in full exactly what he's doing. If you ask "Can you explain in detail what it is you want"

3. UwU baby, flirty madman with about as much sense as an actual child who pets people, bes a really weirdo and also harbours murderous paranoid intent.

If you think these all sound insane and I'm not like this. 1. You're not me, if you don't like it or believe me.

Block me.

Literally just. Stop interacting with me, don't bother to put in or ask me to put in any effort. Just block me, I'm honestly curious as to how long it'll take for people to realise how little I care for people who don't care.

Like, some of y'all are so shut downing of any communication, if I was trying to say a personal point or I didn't think as much as I did, I'd probably label y'all as "fucking assholes" and shove more disabled people under the "shitty people" umbrella.

But that's me exaggerating what'd actual happens which is, probably the person gaining a chip on their shoulder.

And maybe I could've done more to be clear what I meant. Actually I could've. But like. Why should I put in effort when everyone's just assuming they're right. I'm a Nazi and deserve to die.

The fuck do you mean "cringe 11 year old who makes shitty videos" or whatever you said? What's wrong with some kid being excited for a topic, making something they're proud of, even if it's really cringe.

Like, have any of y'all considered what it means for an adult, who's not like that stereotype y'all make in your head to admit they're an asshole.

Don't? Because that's an incredibly counterintuitive thing and against everything your mindset is because complete vilification of a people is how you're justifying saying things that'd be god awful to say to literally anybody else?

Or maybe you're thinking I'm putting too much effort into this highly redundant topic.

NAH. REALLY?

It's almost like I cared so much about people I eventually just stopped giving a shit and started doing the closest thing to right as possible after way too many breakdowns and spending ONE AND A HALF DECADES in semi social isolation due to my incredibly mismatched personality, genetics and way I learnt things.

It's almost like I'm an insane motherfucker who learnt how to be human enough that most people just throw out as an inconsiderable piece of shit, something I'm well aware as due to the aforementioned ONE AND A HALF DECADES of being treated like a freak.

But I dunno, I'm probably just some cringe UwU discord kitten.

#tag #Boyakishan #sey #rant #rabble

0 notes