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lalacliffthorne · 5 months

Note

For the “not enough Az” anon, like that other anon said, if you go to the azriel x reader tag, you’ll find a shit ton of fics for him and go down a little rabbit hole lol

Now, I definitely believe that the other 2 idiotic Illyrian babies (saying that lovingly 😭) could use more love with fics. Now I also believe the reason is because they are canonically in relationships. And even though I absolutely ADORE Feysand and Nessian, let a girl dream alright 😭

I love all 3 bat boys and I don’t mean to come at anyone with this, but Azriel is definitely the most loved and most written out of the 3 because he is not in a canon relationship yet. So it’s easier for writers to create these “x reader” stories with him.

If you want more fics of a certain character, you can kindly request and wait for the writer to work their magic or simply go down the rabbit holes that we call “tags” and if you’re really desperate (like me for Rhys 😅) you can start to write little drabbles to slowly build up your confidence in writing. But never go after writers who take time out of their day to give us these works of art because you’re not “getting enough,” it’s rude and inconsiderate.

Thank you for writing for us sweetheart and I’m sorry about my little rant there I kinda started to word vomit at the end🙃

Hope you have a good night and hope you’re taking care of yourself💜💜

aw thank u love 😭💞

I absolutely agree with you when it comes to a certain difference in amount of fics for Azriel and Rhys and Cass!! I have definitely noticed that as well and been trying to figure out what the reason might be, tho I definitely think that, like you said, the Rhys and Cass being in a relationship does seem like quite a big one - as well as that we don't know as much about Azriel yet? as a writer, that of course offers you a lil bit more freedom, which might be partially why there's more fics written about Az? along with a certain hesitancy occurring on both writer and reader side (that's probably not even something that happens consciously) to write and read about characters with established relationships (regarding which, like you said, let a girl dream 😉). so maybe for those reasons, there's a certain imbalance of content between the batboys?

I don't wanna step on anyone's toes with this either, I'm definitely guilty of having a majority of Azriel fics myself right now (🥴)!! but I do also feel like it is a safe starting point bc Azriel fics generally do a lot better in engagement (which is a whole other thing rn) than maybe Cass or Rhys or other characters sometimes? so I guess that could be another reason

but writing is a rlly personal thing, and we writers do usually write based on inspiration (!!), so - I really don't wanna put this on the writers, bc what you write is absolutely your thing!! and you shouldn't feel pressured to write for anyone just bc there's a lack of fics when maybe you don't feel like writing for them at this moment!! 💞

all that aside, of course I am absolutely with you, lovely anon, especially when it comes to all of our sensitive Illyrians (and other characters!!) and that some could do with a lil more love, bc they deserve it!!! 😤😌 so like you said; if anyone wants to see more of someone, maybe start smth yourself or send in requests to those writers that take them!! and maybe it just takes some writers a lil more time to get comfortable here and 'branch out' lol so be patient!! 😘

omg you are always welcome to rant!! I do it all the time, ask @leafsandstarlight 🥴😂

thank you, so much!! 🥹🙈💕 mwah

#acotar

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loving-ricciardo · 2 years

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im devastated if danny gets so hurt that he has to leave f1 for good, bc i had the absolute shit times the previous couple of months mentally, and before this season started youtube recommended an interview w danny and it was smth titled “is the smile always real?” and i watched it and man it was the very thing i needed, which is kinda weird to say it bc he’s a literal stranger to me but i hope you’ll understand what im saying… but just smth about him that he showes about himself through media and stuff and that personality and style and what he does in the vlogs has continoued to uplift me during my down-phases. and to think about all this shit and how it must be affecting him, the person who’s positive mindset changed me, is surreal and i cant imagine how he’s feeling.

hi hun, first of all im sending you the biggest hug and i really hope your mental health is better now (disregarding the current Daniel situation) and i hope the universe is gentle with you 🧡🧡🧡

okay, i might go on a bit of a rant here-

i started watching this sport more closely because of Daniel. Like he is the reason I’m here today and ever since i started supporting him i tried to like define my ‘relationship’ with him ~I am probably not gonna make complete sense here~ but like I couldn’t imagine meeting Daniel on street and being like ‘omg I love you. you changed my life’ because he is literally a white rich man driving in circles like it’s a bit silly to care so much about him (this is me @ me btw like it’s an internal struggle I’m not ‘judging’ other fans! You do you besties!!). Like I’m a big football fan but I still could never really justify being such a big fan of them?? Like I obviously have favourites but i always compared them to my favourite authors and songwriters and honestly I have no idea why I always struggled with this like it’s not that deep.

Okay I lost myself and I’m too lazy to go back and rewrite it but I just wanted to say that I had different drivers which I liked for their driving style but it was too superficial for me to get into the sport for (again nothing wrong with that-) and it wasn't until I saw an interview with Daniel that I was just instantly charmed and impressed with how he presents himself. Like Daniel is the definition of ‘fake it till you make it’ and ‘act confident and no one will question you’. The sport is brutal and you can see he under all that charm he is just an anxious insecure lil gremlin who created an 'alter ego' to sort of protect himself from the outside world. Don't get me wrong like Daniel is his alter ego but it's just a bit of a different version of him and I do admire that. As someone with social anxiety I try to channel my Danny Ric energy when I can't control things hh.

And his energy is just so kind and warm and SO positive as you've mentioned. Like it must be SO draining to try to be so positive most of the time and like keeping his emotions in check,,, i admire that so much. Like he could be an asshole (i mean he is a charming asshole,, he does use that smile to get away with saying mean shit sometimes)- he literally doesn't own anyone anything but no he takes time to make people laugh and to give them a show and interact with fans and like even when he has bad days and he probably wants to lock himself in his driver's room he still tries his hardest to be his cheery self and even apologizes to people when he thinks he is not being positive enough- just all good all ways even though he keeps jumping from one toxic team to another--

and like normally i am pretty good with boundaries and i mean i am dramatic on this blog and i do get upset when his race goes badly but i can usually shake it off quickly but ngl these past two days,,, my heart is so heavy and im SOSOSOS pissed and SOSOSOS sad because the way mclaren is handling it- noone deserves let alone daniel who had been one bad race strategy after another yet still trying to be positive and professional... URGH i know this sport is brutal and unfair but this is truly disgusting

idk if this makes sense i am very bad at expressing my feels lol but yeah i hope danny has a good support system around him and im sending him and all daniel fans the biggest hug and good vibes, we will get through this <333

#at the start of the season i was like hihihaha i wouldnt mind is daniel retired.#and its still lowkey true but i want him to do it on his own turn and he clearly wants to keep racing so i hope he finds the best team #possible and runs all over mclaren next season #ask thingie

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genshin-impacted · 3 years

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gift giving // Diluc x Reader

notes: first-person POV, gender-neutral reader, you have a best friend, diluc is lowkey a sugar-daddy; very different format from my usual writing (no capitalization); I assure you I know how to capitalize but not in this fic

wc: ~1300

insp.

diluc offers me something small at first; a trinket that reminds him of me and i feel endeared because he thought of me. and he keeps giving me gifts, sometimes by hand and others via delivery. and each one grows more expensive than the other. it goes from a simple hair tie to a pearled broach to diamond inlaid slippers, all delivered on our shared doorstep with nothing but his name as the sender.

i don't know what to think. i was flattered by his attention and now i'm confused on what this all means when he has yet to talk to me about anything. and without talking to me, i don't know his intentions and it's hard not to think about ulterior motives even if its someone like diluc.

back when this first started, i brought up gift reciprocity but its so hard to buy something for him when he can buy anything u can get for him. he seems to be surprised at first that i even offered, like that didn't even come to mind that i would get him smth that reminds me of him. he says i don't need to, and asks me how i like the hair tie i'm wearing that he gifted. my response only encourages his behavior, his feelings for me (and for me adorning his gifts) only growing.

but now with gifts far too pricey, there's just no way i can buy anything of equal value, and that makes me uncomfortable because it makes me feel like i might have to offer smth else in return. (diluc doesn't expect anything back at all; he truly just wants to shower his person of affection with riches he never really cared for but now that he can buy something for someone he cares about it's a little addicting.)

i address this issue with my best friend and they meet diluc when he walks to the doorway to drop something off for me-- something more modest, thank god, they think, but they have to ask anyway. "diluc, why don't you deliver these in person?" not the exact question they want to ask but they figure they can build up to it.

"i don't always come at the most convenient of times," he points out. "i don't think many are awake at dawn or in the dead of night."

"you'd be surprised," they say. "we're usually awake at night so you should try coming then." instead of leaving things in the doorway, they want to add.

diluc blinks and the grip on his gift tightens. "visiting someone so late at night, well-" and to their surprise, his cheeks redden, as though he's more embarrassed by the notion of visiting someone he's sweet on after dusk than his rather conspicuous and abundant spoiling with material goods. they never chalked master diluc up as an ostentatious man, and now you think maybe he doesn't realize how his actions may look if that's the reaction you get for suggesting something relatively harmless like a visit (late or not).

"i think they would like it a lot if u hand-delivered your gifts at least," they say, getting into the crux of the problem. when he shifts, they quickly suggest, "or maybe leave a letter saying... anything? it would be nice for her to hear from you i think."

my best friend will have to profusely refuse a thank-you gift for your advice, but they receive a gift in tow anyways despite their best efforts. (having your best friend being doted on by the richest bachelor in town had its perks after all.)

letters come with the gifts. (and i must have talked to him about the luxury items because they are less costly now, though some of them still peak with price.) my best friend come back home to see me rereading and pouring over the letters he wrote me. he writes formally, his words more like a medieval lord than anything he's done so far, and it is not difficult to swoon over the subtle way he shares his day with me and read what i hope is his feelings for me in-between the lines

gifts are not my love language. i fumble with gift giving when it comes to the way diluc can spoil me, and i can never win against him (not as though i can lose either). but i try my best to create something for him before i can go and ask for his time, which i find invaluable above all else.

it is a mini project i undertake, making two albums for him and me. one to keep all his letters and flowers pressed into the pages and the other for pictures of the past, present, and hopefully future.

on days i meet up with him, i always purposely wear something he has given me. his attention on me is always rapt, his red eyes trailing after me like i'm the most captivating thing in mondstadt, and it makes me feel small and big all at once-- shy and confident. for this one, i wear the hair tie he's given me and deliver the gift.

he is speechless. (i assume he likes it.)

then i let myself explain how i feel about the gifts. "what do you think of me?" i ask. "i want to know for sure so i can make sense of the gifts."

"make sense?" he echoes.

"yeah. i love my friends and i would love to gift them all types of things, and you're doing the same thing but... i want to know in what way. is it the same way or is it different?" i continue. "you... like seeing me in the things you buy for me right? in what way?"

"i want to spoil you," diluc says simply. "is that strange?" he reaches out to my hair, tied up in that hairtie of his, and i cannot look at him in the eyes.

"in what way?" i ask again and dare to glance back up.

he breathes out slowly. "in any way you want."

i squeeze my hands, urging me to be brave. "in that case, would you go on a date with me then? for dinner?" you pause. "I'm paying." when he intends to protest, i quickly rebut, "i need to share in the costs or i'll go insane, diluc, please. or tell me at least how i can-"

"dinner," diluc says, and i marvel at the way he blushes, “that would be..."

"good?" i supply playfully.

"...more than good," he finishes. the small smile he gives me relaxes me immediately.

"i cant be bought," i say to him quietly.

"i know." he says, "that was never my intention."

"i need you to let me know how to spoil you too."

"you already are," diluc says, eyes flickering to the hairtie, and when he lifts my sleeve up just enough to see the bracelet he gave me also, his gaze lingers on my wrist.

i flush under his undivided attention; i always do. "i- that cant be all," i stammer nervously, the poise i came with to confront him out the window when i feel his gloved fingers press against the tender part of my pulse.

"we can think of other ways," he says, and his eyes are intense as always. i feel myself burn in his gaze. "always in your comfort. always."

"okay," i say, small, but in a good way, like he always makes me feel whenever he looks at me as though there can be no one else like me. it makes my head light. "I'm looking forward to it," i say, and he looks at me curiously, "to spoiling each other.”

"me too," he says, and he means it, just as much as each gift meant something when given to me-- that i can understand now.

#diluc x reader #genshin impact x reader #diluc #diluc/reader #diluc ragnivindr #diluc brainrot still on high

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witchysleepingbeauty · 3 years

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Hi, Reversed✖️ here. I really would like to hear your opinion on how to sort out this difficult and sad situation

I can't deal with it alone anymore, especially to analyze it objectively

So um my parent, in front of a guest, took out their anger on me ie screaming, totally losing it, cursing me out coz I took a half min to fetch smth (I was already doing smth else for them) aka huge, nasty reaction. This was def not coz of the delay in the errand btw

Started ranting real ugly, getting louder and angrier (in front of the guest yay me right?😄) Ik my parent (P) has underlying issues (pain in their body which they always refuse to get treated for at a hospital whenever I suggest so (and if I offer to massage or bring an Ice pack I get passive aggressive snide remarks for 'pretending to care and be helpful'))

Any way screw that. My point is Law-related. so in this ugly rant (in which ofc parent brings up shite about me, personal effing shite), they shouted how I have 'no goal' in life bla bla among other things

Per EIYPO, is this a reflection of their own limiting beliefs/issues (eg lately all they do is complain with venom abt how things never turn out okay and how 'everything's messed up' etc. So it definitely could be how they feel)... OR is the, somewhat humiliating rant, an indicator of my inner reality and deep buried assumptions?

Tbh l want to cry, especially coz ik they're being like this coz of bodily pain, and ik they're not feeling great being like this either

Sadly, I'm getting triggered. Up until last year, I used to be in a very dark place. I'm working on my self now, and for the most, I'm better equipped to deal with my personal issues (the Law helped me realise how assumptions, thoughts could help me see a point in living; aka it gave me hope). Now even limiting time with P isn't enough. I tell myself idc what they keep saying about me, but I can't stop them (I mean if I talk back, it gets worse yk? If I try to explain, I hear this classic one "Oh so YOU'RE perfect right? You're the only perfect person in the world"... Yeah, it gets old real fast)

It's lame, upsetting. I don't wanna fall in the deep end again. Btw I've always been the one who's listened to P when they want to vent or wanna discuss their interests (even if I'm not that interested, coz ik what it's like to not have anyone interested in ur likes lol). Point is, is their behavior (the screaming outbursts and insane cussing + sometimes I do shudder at their scaring-the-yk-what outta-me expressive hatred of my existence - which they themselves have acknowledged btw aka I've heard them tell others how I've made them negative and unhappy... 😐), So is their behavior reflective of their own assumptions about me OR is it MY deep-buried assumptions reflecting in them?

I don't get it. On many damn occasions they've told me I'm the one who's at fault for 'everything' and, you'll like this one, "how I deserve being treated like this"... I've even asked them what I've done to them, but my P has communication issues (which I've taken as smth to learn for myself so I'm happy I could be mature enough to realise what's healthy and unhealthy communication, work on this and be better), which means, unfortunately, it's tough to get a straight answer back other than defensiveness, accusing me of criticising them bla bla nvm that's the old story (and by old I mean literally old), so idk

Like... Eff it all huh? I try to focus on myself and different aspects of my life, minimize confiding stuff about me, learned to not rely on them too much but idk. It's starting to affect me a lot, you understand right?

As I type this, I realise I'm REALLY hurt by P's shouts and their tone of NOT love. I forgive them for their rants, but how can I feel it in my heart that they don't hate me?

Working on your self concept and learning to love yourself after years then being treated like this insanely messed up my mind. What's the point? I'm getting all those old feelings back. It was so hard to yk, stop living in the dark. Eff me ig. Anyway, EIYPO, mb I gotta persist more on setting boundaries? Allow myself my feelings then move on?

Thanks so much, love

Reversed✖️

Please, nothing abt moving out. I already have distanced myself, unconsciously I now realise, from them. I'd really appreciate it if I could understand how to feel better regarding this situation by changing my concepts, or assumptions or at least understand why I'm so affected

First of all I am so sorry you have to go through this every day, I know you’re a beautiful person and it’s not your fault and you do not deserve it.

Now let’s talk about the law. Everything you see in your reality is a reflection of your own inner world. You create everyone and everybody, nobody can have a belief that you haven’t created them to have.

Also I see a lot of limiting beliefs in you “my parent is in pain and they take it out on me”, “my parent has communication issues.”

I know it’s not the easiest thing to deal with but if you want to change the situation you need to stop attaching these labels to your parent and instead changing them to something positive.

I am not going to tell you it will be easy because we are talking about years of trauma and abuse, however I do want to encourage you to not allow them to treat you like that, physically speak up and also to really consider moving away from that person.

I hope this clarifies some things and I wish you the best. If there’s anything else I can help you with feel free to message!

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paradise-creator · 3 years

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Okayyyy. Seatbelt on, space cadet! I'm gonna take you on a loooong journey ✨

First of all hello again! I'm here to request for a Haikyuu romantic Haven Box if there's still a spot left. Take your time tho, I'm good at waiting 🙌🏻

here we gooo. so I'm an 159cm pansexual asian girl. I'm a little bit on the chubby side. I got long black wavy hair and I always let it down. People say I look rude and cold so they are afraid to befriend me at first (some even hate me for no reason.) I mean its not my fault that I borned with this resting bih face 😭💔 I love wearing dark colored clothes, high waisted jeans and Sneakers.

I do wear makeup, and my favorite lipstick color is red. Like a really bold red. That's like my trademark.

for personality, I'm an enfp, taurus, gryffindor (big yikes!); I think I'm a pretty openminded person. I'm not afraid to speak up and I will fight (both using words and fists) for what I believe in. People see me as someone confident and to look up to; Tho honestly I'm pretty insecure with myself. Like I find nothing good about me and got depressed easily. Its like I have this happy clown persona everytime I'm outside my house and once I go back to my bedroom by myself its all the sad clown hours haha. ooh- this is getting kinda heavy. 😵 But anyway I care about my family and friends a lot. Their happiness is actually more important than my own. So I'd do anything to help and protect all of them.

My hobbies are sleeping, singing and watching horror movies/true crime documentaries; and yes I got scared after watching those stuff so I ended up searching for some broadway musical 😂😂 I also love to play games; otome games, cause my love life sucks *coughs*

Some facts about me!!

I believe in soulmate. Just the thought that we all have someone created specifically for us is making me happy 🥺❤

I'm a touch starved person. So I like doing skinship and PDA. I just love being spoiled and showered with love I guess 👉🏻👈🏻

I hate spicy foods, cause it really burns my throat. and I also hate lizards. They are gross and weird 😭😭

I believe ghosts are real and I'd definitely want to speak to them someday. Just asking them how does it feel to be a ghost? Is there a way to help em stop being a ghost? (Only with the nice ghost of course) 👻💕

My favorite song is Helpless by Phillipa Soo and if that doesn't show how much of a Hopeless romantic I am then idk 😂😂

I love watching tarot cards reading.

I'm a sucker for enemies to lovers trope and I can't stop this addiction. Like aaaaa its cliche but I love em so much ashdjflgl

Okay thats it! I need to stop talking before my ask give you some real headache 😂 I wish all this information helps you write a little bit and not bother you in one way or another!! Have a great day and stay healthy in this pandemic situation 🙌🏻✨ see yaaaaa~☆

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Hello and Welcome my Starlight!

The Haven box includes:

- Match up

- Sun drop

- Old habits die hard

- No matter what

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

I'd match you up with

Oikawa Tooru, The Grand King

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Sun drops

- Okay, when I read your description Oikawa popped in my head. So on to the great king we go!

- I also had an Oikawa brain rot when I decided to do your request but either way, I still think you two would look cute!

- Oikawa is the most realistic character in Haikyuu and I believe you two would definitely match

- You feel insecure? No worries, Oikawa already saw it coming and is going to give you compliments and gifts

- He may not look like it, but he is really observant

- You can't hide your feelings from this man cause he has been through that

- You both were deemed the power couple of the school

- He would ALWAYS always remind you to take care of yourself

- Both of you seem confident and really out going but in reality, you both are really insecure

- You both would understand each other

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Old habits die hard

- He almost NEVER calls you by common nicknames, except for Queen and princess

- Your nickname can be something weird like my little Alien or smth

- Whenever you watch a game, he alsyws gives you his extra jersey or his jacket

- He would randomly say I love you and if you don't respond, he'll pout

- You gave him a plushie and he named it after you

- Stargazing (Alien hunting) is his favorite type of date

- Study dates almost always ends up with one of you dead asleep before starting anything

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

No matter what

Oikawa Tooru is the grand king of Seijoh. He was handsome, smart, and all that. He was very athletic and observant. He gets along with everyone and anyone. He could get any girl to swoon to him but he is only loyal to volleyball and Iwaizumi. And that’s what people thought, but this king has fallen off his throne. He, has fallen in love and doesn’t know what to do. It started with the little things like seeing how she loves skinship or how she hates spicy food. He thought it was normal, he was observant after all. But as time passes, he realized that he might be falling. He tried and tried to avoid it, knowing that it might just hurt him in the end anyway. He knew that he wasn’t going to be able to fulfil what was in her heart because he would always choose volleyball. Oikawa had a girlfriend once, she left him because he wasn’t good enough, and he didn’t give her enough of his time.

Oikawa did not want that to happen again. He didn’t want his heart torn into pieces yet again. But still, he fell deep into the rabbit hole called love. And he hated her for it, becoming her enemy for no reason at all. But, fate seemed to be in his side. Soon enough the “mortal nemesis” relationship faded away and love soon blossomed. It wasn’t as smooth as most people would say but it’s still a beautiful sight to behold. The way Oikawa looks at her with so much love and passion, it’s breathtaking. The way that she would cheer for him no matter what, it’s alluring. A love so pure that it seems surreal and impossible. From then on, the great king knew that she was thee one. He knew that even if he was too busy, she would understand. He knew that she would always be by his side no matter what the cost is.

And he knew that no matter what happens, he would always love her. Volleyball may be his priority, but he will soon get out of it. Slowly but surely, the walls he built was crumbling away. Slowly but surely, his distant exterior grows into an attached and close koala. Oikawa’s train of thought was then shattered as he heard someone calling out to him. “Oi Shittykawa, why the hell is your face like that?” Iwaizumi said as he cringed at the sight. “Geez Iwa-chan, can’t a guy think about his soulmate in peace?” He then responded as he glared at the shorter male. “We have a game to play, Stupidkawa. And if you miss her so bad, why don’t you go to her at the stands and talk to her?” Iwaizumi said as he glared intently at his best friend. “I have a better idea,” Oikawa said as he stood up. His eyes wandered around the bleachers to find his one and only. And soon enough, he was able to see her long black wavy hair and her beautiful eyes. “Princess!” He yelled.

The female then smiled and waved at the player adorning the cyan colors with the number one. “Yes, my prince?” She yelled back. “Oh! My darling Princess! I love you with all my heart and know that no matter what, I’ll still be in love with you,” He yelled. The stadium awed at the interaction. Oikawa now found his one and only, his soulmate. And he would never let go, no matter what.

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Author's note

Hello there! I'm so sorry for doing this quite late. Since exams and school and all that.

I hope you enjoy this matchup nonetheless! And I also made sure that the drabble was a bit different and unique to make up for it. Since I decided to try out a new way of writing.

#☁️matchup #Oikawa Tooru #anime #fanfic #fiction #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#Matchup #anime matchup #haikyuu matchups #hq matchups #hq oikawa #Tooru Oikawa #Drabble #BlackPearl

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littleredroseonthevalley · 4 years

Text

Covered Mirror

Summary: A light bulb creates its own environment, photography creates the photorapher. Does Emma create her relationship, or does it create her?

Rating: T - Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes.

Explicit depictions of depressive episodes. Reader discretion is advised.

If those descriptions relate to your or a loved one’s mental state, do not hesitate to call health services operating in your juristiction. It gets better.

Words: 2200

Notes: I vacationed in Noahland, now it’s back to Masonville. Keep the balance or smth.

I’m real proud of this one. I’m happy how it turned out. I think it has weight, but still ends on a hopeful message. I hope you like it too!

Why do I think I’ll be swarmed with anon hate? Is there something I can do that doesn’t end with me swarmed with anon hate?

Marshall McLuhan once said that the light bulb creates its own environment, and Emma Price sometimes cannot help herself but think about it. She creates her photography, and her photography creates a new Emma.

Photography was a visual art. It might have an easier learning curve than, say, sculpting, but it was still an art that demanded perfection and practice. It was necessary to develop an aesthetic sense, an eye for the light. All in all, great abilities to have.

The problem was when that aesthetic sense turned around on her.

After another win for their school football team, Emma stood outside the pitch as the students and their families pass her by, waiting for her boyfriend.

Waiting for her boyfriend to finish talking to Ava Lawrence. The tall, blonde, fit cheerleader.

Emma did not really want to believe that she was jealous of her. Ava was a cool girl; they were friends from the photography club. They even hung out on occasion. Besides, Emma was dating Mason and she trusts him and Ava, so it is not like she should care, but she cares. Too much for her own good.

Emma Price felt like she was far from perfect, while Ava Lawrence was the epitome of perfect. Perfect hair, perfect marks, perfect personality, perfect social life, perfect figure. If she was honest with herself, Emma had to admit that, on her weaker moments, she wanted very much to be friends with her, just so she could absorb some of that perfection by osmosis. She wanted desperately to be like her.

When Mason first asked her out that day in sophomore year high school, after longing after him for so long, she could not have known that dating the most popular boy at school could feel so lonely.

Mason was not a bad boyfriend, much to the contrary. He was an amazing boyfriend. He would never go out of his way to hurt her feelings, but the decline in her self-confidence seemed to be getting to her. It was not about him, it was about her, and sometimes she had difficulty remembering that.

Once he was done speaking to Ava, he ran back over to his girlfriend. The wind hitting his blond hair in a way that was bound to make anyone have a crush on him. He had the widest smile on his face, waiting to talk to her about the game.

“I didn’t think you’d show up.” He said, with a boyish smile gracing his features.

Emma was a little taken aback by this comment. “What do you mean?”

Mason shrugged. “You just haven’t been wanting to hangout or anything... Or just not coming to my games.”

She tallied the season games on her head. He had a point, she concluded.

“Sorry, I’ve been really busy.”

She did not like lying to him, because she knew that after so many years of close relations with each other, he could tell straight away. However, at this instance, he did not bother commenting on it. He concluded she would tell him if something was wrong.

Or at least she used to tell him everything that was wrong. When they were still friends. Before they made their relationship public, and before she heard what everyone had to say about that relationship.

Teens were vicious creatures. They would be nice to her face, supportive and welcoming, but as soon as they thought she could not hear them anymore, their tongues would run amok.

“I don’t even know what he sees in her.”

“Have you seen her hair?”

“Is it just me or she put on weight?”

“What is she even wearing?”

“He could do so much better.”

She began to compare herself to almost every girl in town that said or thought things like that. She started to believe everything they were saying. Some nights, she stood in front of the mirror on her closet door looking unblinkingly at herself.

She did not like what she saw.

It had gotten so bad, she put a blanket over her mirror and tried not to look at herself at all. There were days she barely brushed her hair, days in which she gave up any thought or care into her appearance, into herself.

People saw Mason, with his light hair, football skills and rich parents and thought he was not that bright, and to be fair, he was not going to make it into any honours courses this year, but he was perceptive when it came to Emma. Deep down, he worried about her. He saw how this year at school has affected her, but he could not figure out how to confront her about it.

“Alright, it’s okay. There’s a house party this weekend, though, at Chad’s place. Do you want to go with me?” He asked, but soon amended, trying to lay off pressure of her. “It’s alright if you can’t. I can go by myself, or we could do something else if you’d like.”

She rolled her eyes, and held his hand with a meagre smile, hoping her tone of voice inspires confidence. “Of course, I’d love to go with you. Why do you think I wouldn’t?”

“The last time we spent the Saturday together was last month, at that midnight showing at the movies, remember? We don’t even go out running anymore.” He pointed out. “I’d thought you might like your space on Saturdays.”

“Oh! So it is.” She said, realizing he, again, had a point. “I don’t mind spending the Saturday with you, Mase. Guess I’ve just been a little overwhelmed these days.”

“Good! It’s a date, then!” The boy beamed. “Would you like me to drive you home? I’m done here.”

Before she could answer, though, a high whistle came from their left. Mason’s teammates were hurdled to the side, signalling for him to come. He ignored them, but Emma felt their eyes on the two of them together.

“N-No…” She stutters, shaking her head nervously. “It’s OK. You’d have to drive all the way to my house and then back to yours. It’s too much trouble.”

“It’s no problem, Em. I want to drive you home.” He insisted.

“No, Mason, it’s better if I walk. That’s OK, really. I like walking. I get to admire the scenery, and you never know when inspiration strikes.” She motioned for the camera hung around her neck.

“Oh, well…” His smile falters. “No problem, then. I’ll text you tonight, yeah? And we can spend the Saturday together.”

The girl smiles toothlessly. “Sure, Mase. You should go, your friends are waiting.”

He sighed. “OK, then, I guess. See you, Emma.”

*_*_*_*_*

When Emma, predictably, did not answer her phone that night, nor made any sign to set up a date on Saturday, Mason decided enough was enough and marched his way to the Price household.

He parked his car on the driveway and walked in large, firm steps to the front door, on which he knocked three decisive times.

It opens.

“Hey, Mason.”

“Hello, Mack.” He greeted, stiffly. “Is your sister home?”

She hesitated. “Yes, she is sleeping.”

“This late?” He commented

“Yeah, it’s… Kinda of her thing on weekends now.” The younger girl responded; lips pursed. “Mom and dad are out. Why don’t you come in? I’ll take you to Emma’s room, and I want to speak with you, too.”

The blond nodded. “OK, I’m all ears.”

Mackenzie stepped aside for him to come in, and motioned for him to walk up the stairs.

“Emma is… Well, she is not herself. I think you noticed.” She began, and with Mason’s encouragement, she continued. “I don’t really know what’s up with her. Dad threw a few medical names at it, but we’re all grasping at straws here. He wants to get her on meds, Mom’s holding him back, but even she’s wavering at this point.”

His eyes widen. “I didn’t know it was that serious.”

“It… It’s something, alright.” They stopped in front of Emma’s bedroom door, and Mackenzie lowers her voice. “Look, you’re her boyfriend. I know she loves you. I don’t expect any miracles, and you shouldn’t either, but… I don’t know, try something? Anything.”

He sighed. “I am, but I think I’m not trying hard enough.”

“Just talk to her, OK? Try not to be too aggressive, she doesn’t respond well to that, and brace yourself. It’s ugly in there.”

Mackenzie opens the door slow and quiet, and Mason walks into Emma’s bedroom. As her sister said, she was asleep. He instantly noticed the blanket over the mirror and all the pictures of her on the desk turned down.

To say it was messy was an understatement. Clothes scattered across the floor, everything atop her dresser was on its side, and the blackout curtains on the window were closed.

He sat on the end of her bed and shook her awake.

The girl wakes up in a jolt. “Wha-…”

“Hey, Em.” He greeted, quietly.

“Mason? What’re you doing here?” She blinked in confusion.

“I came to pick you up; we’d agreed to spend the Saturday together.” He said, looking away.

“Oh, right. We did.” She said, pushing the hair out of her face. “Good morning.”

“It’s one o’clock.”

“Same difference.” She chuckled as she sat closer on the bed to him.

He reluctantly shook her off, giving another glance at her dorm and then he sighed tiredly. “Why is your mirror covered?”

Her eyes went wide and she looked down at her hands. She began to pick at her nails subconsciously as an act of nervousness.

“Oh... It’s nothing.” She responded, avoidantly.

He brought his hand up to her chin so she could look at him. “I’m not an idiot, Emma.”

“I know.”

“Why are you doing this to yourself?”

She bit her lip, looking back at the picture frame on her bedside table that had a picture of her and Mason when they entered high school. It was face down, like all others, but she felt the need to look at it all of a sudden.

“Everyone says all those things...” She whispered. “It’s really hard to not let it get to you. Especially when the voices inside my own head speak even louder.”

He moved his hand from her chin to her cheek, caressing it, and she automatically leaned into his touch. “They’re all full of shit. They know nothing, they hear nothing. Why do you care for what they have to say?”

She averted her gaze, trying to keep the tears at bay.

“Emma, you are the most beautiful girl in this entire school. Of the entire world, I swear.” He insisted.

She chuckled, pulling away from him. “Don’t lie to me, Mason.”

“I’m not!” The boy defended, his body facing her, grey eyes unwaveringly gazing her figure, begging her to look at him. “I mean it, Emma, honestly. There is no one prettier than you to me.”

“There are so many other better girls that would love to be with you, y’know.” She said, quietly. “Like Ava.”

“Like hell she wants to be with me.” He said, humouredly. “She doesn’t even like me that much, and even if she did! Ava Lawrence can’t even compare to you Emma. I can’t believe you would say that.”

She could feel herself crying, and before she knew it, he was wiping her tears away. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize.” He hugged her tightly.

“I feel like I do.” The girl hiccupped. “I’m so stupid. I just cause trouble and worry, and I don’t want to be like that, but I just can’t help myself!”

“I know, Emma, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it.” He assured her, holding her while she cried it out. “Don’t worry, we’ll fix you up and you’ll be better than ever. I’m going to help you, your parents and Mack, too. It’s all gonna be OK.”

He sighed, kissing the crown of her head and getting up. He walked over towards her mirror and pulled the blanket off. He also opened the curtains and placed the pictures back to their original positions.

Afterwards, he asked Mackenzie to come into the room. She took her sister into the bathroom while Mason cleaned up some of the mess, taking the dirty laundry downstairs, the trash out and organized minimally the mountain of papers and photos scattered on every surface.

When Emma and her sister emerged from the bathroom, she had showered, put on some nice clothes and some light make up. It was not much, but it was enough to make her feel better than she had in a long time.

Her boyfriend beamed boyishly at her, and she could not help to smile back. He offered her his hand and they made their way down to the public park on her neighbourhood.

Sitting on the grass, with the sun warming her skin and Mason’s bodily heat against her waist, it was very nice.

Emma had a long way to healthy, and she knew that, but feeling his presence next to her helped a great deal. She felt hopeful, and perhaps he really had a point.

It would all turn out to be OK.

MTFL Masterlist

#my two first loves #mason jennings

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fairycosmos · 5 years

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hey i’m super sry 2 bother ive just been struggling and i know u understand how i feel..i’ve never been this bad in my life. i feel so stupid agonizing over smth like my physical appearance but my reflection genuinely makes me nauseous and throws me into a breakdown each time i see it. i cant help but feel like id much rather kill myself than spend the rest of my miserable existence being so revolting and grotesque. i hate being conventionally unattrctive- going out in public is just the worst:(

hey angellll i'm sorry 2 hear you're dealing w this rn. you're not bothering me either, it's cool. :(( also i got your other anon and don't worry, i didn't think you were calling me ugly djekdkekk,, but i mean i AM lol. and i can definitely relate to feeling viscerally disgusting in your own skin......you're not over exaggerating, i promise. you are always going to have the right to feel a certain way about something that seems to dictate so much of your life. countless women are going through it. i struggle with this every single day myself and i honestly don't have all of the answers of even half of them, unfortunately. and sometimes nothing can calm me down from the shame i feel about being who i am, but here are a few thoughts/ideas that soothe me and may soothe you if you allow them to:

1. our perception of beauty is always being manipulated. they keep moving the goal posts and narrowing the standards to get us to chase these totally false ideals, purely because it makes money. that's it. they plant the insecurity, market a fake 'solution', and profit. when we look in the mirror a life time of conditioning looks back at us and the only way to get around it is to be consistently aware of that fact. once you begin examining and questioning why certain features are seen as attractive and others aren't, you realize that none of it really holds any ground. it has very little to do with our bodies, and everything to do with controlling them. it's all the result of a never ending advertisment, and engaging with it for too long is certainly going to exhaust you and fuck up your self perception. the way you see yourself is not as accurate as you think.

2. we are all going to be old and therefore conventionally unattractive someday any way. a defining factor of this game they force us to play is that we will never win. due to circumstance, or time, or just cause we're human. seems like for women we're not allowed to reach a day over 40 without being ridiculed for it. but i really do believe that getting older affords a certain amount of freedom. when you get to that point in your life, you're going to know yourself so much more than you do at the moment. your perspective WILL be different. you're not going to be basing your worth off of how you look because you'll have lived what you're capable of, and it's so much more than.......appearing a certain way for a moment in time. curating a life worth living pales in comparison to looking flawless. and i know it seems like you can't do that because you feel so gross, but you can - insecurity doesn't have to stop you from putting your best foot forward. you are worthy because you're here. you deserve to live because you are alive. at the end of the day, you don't have to like yourself, but you have to like BEING yourself. you have to learn how to enjoy your hobbies and opportunities more than you hate your skin or your face or whatever.

3. your body is here to experience and relate with the tangible world. it is the vessel with which you are able to walk, talk, love, eat, play, and enjoy. it is very very unconcerned with being palatable to the masses. ultimately, that is not what you exist for. it always comes back to that, no matter how much the world demands a performance of you - you don't have to give one. even if the so called audience doesn't like it. it takes time to truly accept that, i still can't. but working on neutralising the self is key. if you can't love yourself, just acknowledge yourself. these are my hands that allow me to create. these are my eyes that allow me to see. they are doing their job. they are okay. they can't be right or wrong. they just are.

4. self destructive thoughts are always over dramatic, always temporary, and often entirely untrue. it's ok to experience those urges, but do your best to find the line between having them and acting on them. it's alright if it takes a while to learn how. as long as you're attempting. that's all that matters.

5. try to consciously practice healthier thinking patterns on a daily basis. realistically consider how you judge others and why you're being so harsh on yourself when you would never act like that towards anyone else. understand that your energy, your presence, the way you smile and comfort and work, what you can give and receive - all of that is more important to pretty much everyone, than how you look. after a while, especially when you love or care for someone, their appearance becomes a total secondary characteristic. nobody is worrying that much over these self perceived flaws you're so stuck on, as much as you are. if they do take the time to mull on you, it's more likely they think something simplistic such as: oh there's that girl who lent me her homework or who always wears cool shirts, or whatever. they're too busy stressing about themselves.

6. attempt to build your own confidence. this is another thing i can't grasp either but. basically. you are going to be you for the rest of your life and that is a fact. the only realize you think it's a bad thing at the moment is because that's how you've been taught to feel. but you can unlearn, you can let go of what hurts. and that starts with accepting what you can't change and controlling what you can - your self esteem, your internal narrative, how you take care of your body and mind. even engaging in small, seemingly dumb exercises like pointing out three things you like about yourself in the mirror, can make a difference. you have all of the time in the world to learn how to be friends with yourself. but you might as well start now. baby steps are good. if you hide, spend half an hour outside, even once a week. get used to the discomfort. treat yourself. let it all contradict. growth is totally inevitable.

unfortunately, there's no all encompassing answer. you can know all of this logically and still feel Bad. and you're obviously allowed to be frustrated, to cry and break down, to have moments where you just feel entirely overwhelmed with self hatred - i can't figure out how to stop them, and i think they will remain with us for a while. maybe the goal is to just to cope with them in a decent way and not to prevent them all together. but those episodes are not an excuse to take your own life, ever. i can't think of a bigger fucking tragedy than the world losing you before you even had the chance to attempt living by an alternative narrative. you deserve so much better. i can't stress it enough. you have a whole open future just waiting for you, a healthy body to see it all with - it's going to be beautiful, it's going to surprise you even when you think you're a totally hopeless case. you're not. that's just another lie. your humanity is never going to depend on your physicality and anyone who can't accept that can fuck off!!! anyway i hope you know that there are genuinely so many resources available if you feel like this is getting Too much to handle by yourself. you're honestly not alone and if this is having a big impact on your overall stability then you're totally entitled to professional or medical support. it doesn't have to be a big deal. suicidal thoughts are not normal and there are people who will enable you to dissect and overcome them, you just have to make the initial choice to reach out. even if your brain is screaming otherwise. whether it's through school or a hotline or your doctor - communication WILL put your pain in perspective eventually, in turn lessening it. please consider it. even if takes you your whole lifetime to appreciate yourself, the fact that you're here and trying and navigating this shitty world is more than good enough. i'll be rooting for you from a place of total understanding until the end of time. please take and let me know if you need a friend. i'll be here.

*sorry if this didn't help. the other day i was having an Episode and nothing anyone said could've changed how absolutely disgusting i felt. sometimes it's like that. but this will always be here for you to look back on when you're in a more fair and objective state of mind.

#long post #tw suicide #im sorryyyyy this is so long and messy but u get my gist. ladies we r consumed by the world regardless might as well let them choke #anon

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hyyunjinn · 6 years

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I swear if I forgot someone, and I feel like I am because I’m so bad at keeping track of things, I’m gonna go scream. ALSO: all those tags and mentions I’ve been tagged in, I swear I saw them but it was usually when I’m in the middle of doing something and I didn’t want to reblog aND THEN I JUST LOST THE TAG so I’m sorry ; - ;

But uh, I. Reached. 3K. Followers. On this blog a while ago actually I’m just that lazy of a person and I never do anything on time. And I just wanted to say thank you so much for supporting me and screaming about Stray Kids daily? I haven’t been feeling the greatest emotionally which is why this might turn into a rant—but I just want to use my emotional energy for something good and that’s saying thank you! This is the first time a community has shown so much interest in my work and supporting it and I really, really can’t say how much I appreciate you all. I’ve been creating content for a while now, but it just never got the support I hoped for and,,, idk—just the fact that you guys like this blog just makes me so happy. And it’s not just the gifs: the gfx and writing that I post are the ones I care more about and I’ve gotten so many positive comments on it ahhhhhhh I want to hug each and everyone of you.

I know I don’t respond that well and those who tried to talk to me are probably disappointed by how I keep up a conversation but aklsfjasf I want to use this an appreciation post for all the wonderful people I met because of Stray Kids. Also, I want to say that, I’ve tried to talk and support you guys all—even if I don’t follow you, I lurk your blog and stuff—it’s just wow, we’re getting really big and I feel bad not being able to interact with everyone BUT I WANT TO SAY THAT ALL OF YOU ARE SO AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND YOU WORTH MORE THAN YOU BELIEVE YOU DO. I think it’s easier for me to talk about random stuff on kakaotalk so uhhh, if you wanna shoot me a message my id is cicikookie!

And just to my followers in general: thank you so much for sticking around haha. I see a lot of regular usernames and lurk sometimes haha so ;)) Thank you ♡

Thank you again for being so supportive and I love interacting with all of you: LET’S SUPPORT STRAY KIDS TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME!

So, I guess I’ll start with the personalized messages:

@changlix Wow Lexi, you were my first friend in this fandom anD IDK WHAT IT WAS THAT MADE ME DROP MY USERNAME TO YOU BUT AKLSJFALSF LOL I’M SO GLAD WE’RE FRIENDS because everyone loves you and you’re amazing and I love your blog and everything and alskdfjaslfd you’re really crazy but I love you and ahHhHhhh. I know you’re busy with life, but whenever we talk even for like 2 messages at a time, I love it so much. ESPECIALLY WHEN WE WERE THROWING SHADE AT EACH OTHER EARLY ON. I still. Can’t believe. yOUR PROFILE PICTURE IS STILL HYUNJIN ON TWT WYD GIRL. And you calling me a hoe—wow, I keep that close to my heart. HAHA BUT ALL JOKES ASIDE, I appreciate you so much for being the inclusive self that you are and keep being amazing. Okay, I’ll admit: when you told me to “take care of your man properly or i’m coming for him cici” I THINK THAT’S THE REASON I’M STILL LOYAL TO HIM OR I WOULD’VE SWERVED AGES AGO. Thanks Lexi, you’re best ;) altho how could you come for him when i am taking care of him, traitor

@manny27lei I’m adding you here but I don’t even wanna write you anything hAH. YOU DON’T EVEN TALK ABOUT SK. MAKE A SIDEBLOG AND I MIGHT

jk ily thanks for listening to me cry everyday and laskfdjasf it’s crazy how we met because of sk but it’s not even because of sk, it’s because of svt whoops

@seungminty yOU’RE STILL MY FAVE SEUNGMIN STAN AND YOU FOREVER WILL BE. ULT SEUNGMIN STAN. And ofc vocal line enthusiast. Thank you for being you and asklfdjasldf goodness, sometimes I worry that you’re being too hard on yourself MAR ILY AND THE GC LOVES YOU AND BE CONFIDENT! YOU’RE AMAZING AND A TIIINY BIT OF YOURSELF GOTTA FLAUNT IT. You keep the chat going and ahhHhhH I don’t even know how much I want to say the fact that I appreciate you so much. Thank you thank you thank you ♡ random confession: you make me really soft because you’re so soft and i just wanna hug you until everything goes well for you

@princeminho ASFKLJASLFD MAHI! MY CEREAL BUDDY! I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WERE A actually, the fact that he was your icon should’ve told me bUT WHAT. MINHO STAN SINCE DAY ONE? WHY DID IT TAKE YOU SO LONG TO ADMIT IT AHAHHAHAHAH I’M STILL SO SHOOK. You’re so lowkey about your love for him and I feel and it’s really cute and lksadfjalsd FAVE MINHO STAN BC I DON’T FEEL LIKE I NEED TO FIGHT YOU UNLIKE SOMEONE/ Thank you for just hanging around and taking our shit and just being you—I love talking to you so much, you’re so amazing and ♡♡♡♡♡

@9traykids I give up. You can have Minho. You save me every time you send in Hyunjin photos and I cannot appreciate you enough hAH THEY’RE SO CUTE AND I JUST START SPAZZING OUT AND ALSFJDASDF that one photo where you badly edited with “i ♡ cici” I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THAT AHHHHH. stop making me cry ; - ; I love talking to you and you’re so randomly funny and laskdfjasf THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU ILY ♡♡♡♡♡

@seungchanie HI YOU AMAZING PERSON I LOVE YOU SOSOSOOSOSO MUCH YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. I’m not quite even sure how we met but it’s like one of those friendships where it feels like it’s been forever because, everything is just a blur but there are good moments, you know what I mean? Vale, I love you so much—you’re so cute and friendly and whenever we talk, I get so excited because you’re so excited and hehe aHHHHHHHH LEMME JUST HUG YOU. You’re always there and yOUR CONTENT. I LOVE YOUR CUTE LITTLE FANARTS AND THAT 3RACHA SCIFI AU WTF I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR YOUR AMAZINGNESS. You have a really simplistic style and I love it so much mwah

@hyunjinh laksdjf hi jas!! oKAY CAN I JUST SAY YOU’RE PROBABLY MY TUMBLR CRUSH BUT LIKE, WE TALKED BEFORE BUT I STILL DON’T ASLKDFJASD IDK YOU’RE REALLY COOL AND I REALLY LIKE TALKING TO YOU but idk how to keep a convo going and ahHhhHh LOWKEY BLUSHING BC I REALLY LIKE YOU HAHAH you’re really amazing and I love your blog and I hope we can become better friends hehe.

@straykidzz OKAY TBH IDEK WHEN OR HOW BUT THE FACT THAT WE NEVER HAD LIKE, A PROPER CONVERSATION and yet we act like good friends is aslkdfjasldf—maybe it’s a mutual thing hehe aHHH MANDA ILYSM AND JUST SEEING YOU ON MY DASH MAKES ME SO HAPPY. Or maybe it’s the fact that you’ve been here as long as me heheh. I hope we get to know each other better and skajflasdf W A H ♡♡♡♡♡♡ TAKE MY HEARTS

@chanbng Fishy, you. are SO AMAZING — we never seem to be on the chat at the same time but you’re so sweet and lasdfjasdlf wow i’m highkey crushin haha AHHHHHHHI JUST WANNA SAY I LOVE YOUR WORK SO MUCH AND THANKS FOR BEING YOU and i hope we get to talk more heheh

@aussieline KLASDFJALKSDF YA BIBI WE NEVER ACTUALLY HAD A REAL CONVERSATION BUT JUST, THIS MUTUAL THING WE GOT GOING ON? ILYSM YOU ARE SO AMAZING AND YOUR ARTWORK ALWAYS MAKES ME SMILE AND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH we gotta talk more omg but thank you for providing my dark life with cute fanart and cute tags, you’re adorable

@jeongin-ie sup smol softie ilySM WE GOTTA START CHATTING FOR REAL OR SMTH YO which means i should be the one who sends the message but laskdfjsadf i su k but i also want to be better friends with you ; - ; hit me up with your kkt thO THEN WE CAN CHAT PLSPSPSLSPSL i hate chatting on tumblr lmao CJ, YOUR WORK IS AMAZING AND YOUR BLOG IS CUTE AND YOU’RE CUTE thanks for being you :)

@strgaykids Okay. I SAW YOUR 3K POST THING AND YOU ARE SO PRETTY I NEARLY FELL OFF MY CHAIR CONGRATS ON HITTING THE MILESTONE TOO! You make the fandom so much more fun and I love the shitposts you have TBH, I REALLY HOPE WE GET TO BECOME FRIENDS OR SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU SEEM, I was gonna say chill, but maybe lit? but that doesn’t really make anysense—tHE POINT IS: hiimciciandihopewe’lltalklaterinthefuturehehebyegottablast

@spearbin asklfjdsaldf pffffffft Camille right? YOU ARE SO TALENTED AND I JUST, LOVE YOU AS A PERSON AND SEEING YOU SPAZZ OUT IN THE TAGS IS SO CUTE and i have a highkey tumblr crush on you but like, we’ve interacted before and >///< AHHHH HIHIHI I REALLY WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND BUT I’M SUPER AWKAWRD I HIGHKEY HOPE YOU DON’T SEE THIS BUT YOU PROBABLY WILL AND PFFFFFT I’LL JUST, LEAVE NOW

@chanskitty AHHHHH DIAN HOW ARE YOU?????? I know we don’t talk as much anymore but — ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ You’re so amazing and chill and ahhhhhhhh. You are taking care of yourself right? Getting sleep? I HOPE WE GET TO TALK MORE SOON ♡ I’LL SEND A MESSAGE OR SMTH tag you in something????/// :DD

@realstraykids Did you know it took me a couple of weeks (or was it days) after following you to realize that your url is the same handle as Stray Kids’ official ig name alskfdjasdf I FACEPALMED MYSELF SO HARD LMAO — also hold on, I didn’t know you’re minho bIASED AH YESSSSSSSSSS Em. I really hope we get to know each other better beCAUSE YOU’RE SO COOL AND I LOVE YOUR EDITS SO MUCH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH They’re really different but a good kind of different and tell me your ways of sitting in front of a computer screen and masking each frame of a moving object hOW I HATE DOING THAT

@stray-k1ds hOLy cow I don’t think i actually know your name—is it Tiffany? I THINK WE FORGOT TO INTRODUCE OURSELVES—I’m Cici! AND I LOVE TALKING TO YOU YOU’RE SO CUTE AND LASKFJAAKD I love your cute little scenarios and all that and keep up the good work!!!!!!! I HOPE WE CAN BECOME BETTER FRIENDS AY

@jeongn pfft Nicolle, you actually haVEN’T DONE ANYTHING IN A WHILE THAT MADE ME WANT TO BLOCK YOU AHAHHALSFKJASLDF i still can’t get that image of tired chan and his accent coming out whAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME you can be so cool and so fREAKING TALENTED I CAN’T BELIEVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU FOLLOWS M E. I love the times we do actually talk, so! :))) I hope we become better friends ayyYyyyyYYY

@stray4419 hehehehehe i know we just started talking but Chi, you are so kindhearted and i’ve said it twice and i’ll say it again: thank you so so so much for personally offering me a shoulder to cry on haha. You have no idea how touched I was and I really can’t thank you enough. LET’S MEET UP SOMETIME AND CRY ABOUT STRAY KIDS TOGETHER YO AHHHHHHHHH

@woojinskids eASILY YOU’RE MY FAVE WOOJIN STAN M. YOU’RE SO SOFT FOR HIM AND READING YOUR TAGS FOR HIM IS SO CUTE I actually fall in love with him even more every time you talk about him aahahh I know we don’t talk as much but I really love seeing you around ♡

@chxngbins NehaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I MISS TALKING TO YOUUUUUUU and your old username not gonna lie alskdfjasdf whoops but AHHH YOU’RE SO CUTE and smart wow and asldfkjsdf I wish I was as levelheaded as you pFFT. You are so amazing and smol and i associate you with that picture of namjoon eating pizza lmao BUT AHHHH KEEP BEING YOU ILYSM

@felixsfreckles I WAS LOOKING THROUGH MY FOLLOWING LIST AND ASLKDFJASLDFK WTF I CAN’T BELIEVE I WASN’T FOLLOWING YOU THE ENTIRE TIME i feel so bad omg i’m sorry—actually hold on, are you not a felix stan anymore wH A T. but alskfa hiiiiii thanks for being amazing!!!!!!!! idk, you’re like one of those mutuals that, I’m sorta comfortable knowing that you exist? because you are so nice and we’ve been on here for so long kinda thing haha ♡

@bunny-minsungie asfjkdhsda I KNOW OUR CHAT IS PRETTY MUCH ALL BUSINESS SOUNDING/RELATED NOW BUT I JUST WANNA TAKE THE TIME TO SAY THANK YOU FOR BEING AMAZING and doing so much ; - ; Now that I think about it, we don’t even talk about anything else noooooooo but I really appreciate you Lys ♡ and that demon!hyunjin au is seriously taking over me omf

@bbang-channie Dude Leah, you are so cool omg—you’re so inviting and fun to talk to and AHHHHH I REALLY HOPE WE GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER BECAUSE LKSDJAFLSDF FROM THE SHORT TIME WE’VE TALKED VIA GCs, I love it ; - ; UGH I FEEL SO BAD FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO SAY BUT!!! I APPRECIATE YOU BUDDY!!

@seoracha I KNOW YOU’RE NOT EVEN HERE ANYMORE but i just wanna say you the craziest triple biaser i’ve met probably the only triple biaser i know and honestly idek how your brain works but lmao miri you’re so cool ily

@utlwoojisung @kim-squishmin @doublekn0t @chanyeolsidepiece @vallkyr @hi-hello32 @sparklingthoughtss @straykidding @indiepoptime @f3lix-lee @ultchris @maaatryoshka @straykidsstan @softlix OKOK I KNOW WE’VE TALKED BEFORE/ARE MESSAGING/SOMEHOW INTERACTED AND YOU SEEM COOL but alksdfsd like, I don’t know you guys as well bUT I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU ALL TOO AND I HOPE WE CAN GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER! :))

Ummmm, here are people that I follow and don’t really know but uhhhh ihopewegettotalkonedayahahiwantmorefriendsandyouguysseemreallycooltotalktoahhh @jicue @chans97 @cosychans @lees-minho @leefelixs @chngbins @changbinsplushie @starrykids @softstraykids @sprearb @stray-keeds-in-yo @straykeeds @hyuunjins @bvian @straybros @straykidsmp3 @straykiz @straybabies @stkids @1straykids @felixeslee @jeonginie @jeongin @str4y-kids @bchanies @changbln

#THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN A MILLION TIMES OVER ; - ;#cici's stray thoughts #milestone

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christophersymes · 4 years

Text

Celebrity Status

Celebrity Status, an ongoing L(G)B(T)+ story also on Wattpad and Quotev.

<– Previous / Next –>

Chapter Four

A month later, Jules had been down for a while. His depression was in full swing, with a baseball bat full of nails, directly in his face. He'd hardly even made it to class that day, let alone online, and hadn't even gone to work yet and felt like crying. It was taking a lot to do anything, and he felt awful because he wanted to talk to Not-Elías so bad, but couldn't think of words to say aside from

good afternoon

. And he'd hardly spoken yesterday or the day before either. He hated it.

Mason had been hearing less and less from Jules the past few days, even though he'd been sending an embarrassing amount of messages. Jules did message back most times, but when she did she was curt and sounded... off.

masonfucker1000: jules

masonfucker1000: hope ur days going okay

masonfucker1000: hey what if humans were like bees and we had smth like a fucking stinger and if we killed someone w it we died and it was the only legal way to murder

masonfucker1000: i was hanging out w some friends and we ended up playing nerf guns and i somehow got a foam bullet down my pants

familyjules: ah, the only other thing you've ever gotten down ur pants.

masonfucker1000: hey are you okay? im kinda getting worried

masonfucker1000: if someone else threw a salad at you ill kick em

familyjules: afternoon, not-elías.

masonfucker1000: afternoon!! FINALLY!! juliet hath emerged! hey what's been going on???

♦️

Juliet.

He called him Juliet.

Jules froze, staring at the message, feeling tears pricking at his eyes. He hadn't told him, no, but still... He was Jules. Jullian. Anything except Juliet.

He stared at it, then grumbled to himself. "Juliet. Not. Fucking. Juliet." He got out of the truck and slammed the door, angry now that he even had to go to work. He stood by his truck, still staring at the message, then accidentally threw his phone on the concrete in the parking lot and stomped on it.

Then he realized what he'd done. Fuck. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. God damn it! Whatever." He picked up the pieces and pocketed the SIM card, telling himself he'd just buy a new one tonight after work and ship it to his house. He was enough of a dumbass already.

He tossed them in the dumpster as he went inside.

Mason frowned when there was no reply. An hour passed, even. Nothing.

A day.

masonfucker1000: jules? are you okay?

Jules was still upset, and still had no fucking phone.

Two days.

masonfucker1000: jules, please if i did something just talk to me

And a day after that, he was still upset, but at least he had a phone.

Three. Jules had never gone three days without at least a half-assed two word message.

Whenever he was home, he just stared at the message, fuming. Not-Elías had called him Juliet. He had to know him somehow, then, and by his deadname.

On the third day, the anger got bad enough he ended up messaging.

familyjules: how the fuck do you know my name and why are you doing this

Mason had been having lunch with the band when he got the message. He dropped his slice of pizza, mouth still open in shock. His eyes widened, and he excused himself, muttering under his breath that he'd be right back.

masonfucker1000: shit dude, what? juliet?

masonfucker1000: I just sort of guessed that's what it was short for

masonfucker1000: what do you mean???

Jules scoffed, opening Rabbit as fast as he could and sending Not-Elías a link.

As soon as he entered the room, Jules glared at the camera.

"My goddamn name is not Juliet, so stop calling me that. I don't know who the fuck you are, but you must know me and want to get to me now for some reason, so just... fucking stop being a dick—"

Mason gaped at Jules as she immediately started yelling and threatening at him. Jesus fuck.

"—and tell me the truth before I have to figure it out myself and beat your fucking ass. I'm not in the goddamn mood to be led on some goose chase and deal with bigots like you or deal with people who hold some stupid grudge against me. Leave me alone if that's the fucking case, or I will figure shit out and do something."

Not-Elias: jules geez

Not-Elias: holy shit

Not-Elias: i dont understand why youre so angry but im sorry if i pissed you off okay?

Not-Elias: i wont call u that anymore

Not-Elias: message me when you've calmed down

Not-Elias left the room.

Jules was still angry when he left the room. He ended up closing it too, only to reopen it later that night, as well as the fansite. He private messaged Not-Elías a link, promising in some garbled text not to yell again.

familyjules: rabb.it/familyjules pls cone ib i promize not to yellll i midd u

familyjules: misa u

Mason had been thinking about.... whatever that had been with Jules. She'd called him a bigot and talked about grudges. And Juliet was a definite no. He had a theory he was a bit too freaked to think much on. He frowned when he got a just barely comprehensible message. God, was Jules crying or something? He immediately clicked the link.

Jules was leaning back in the chair, pouring himself a shot from the bottle of vodka, singing a Nosam song along with the YouTube video. "Not-Elías!" he exclaimed, speech a little slurred, grinning. He leaned forward too fast and spilled half the shot on his shirt. "Whoops."

He downed the rest to prevent more spillage and then took a sip of Coke. "Hi, I wanted to say I'm sorry for earlier and yelling at you because it's obvious you're not anyone from high school because you're good unlike them. They couldn't even fake it. And I wanted to explain— I'm trans and I was bullied, and I miss you a lot but I've been sad a lot lately and it's cold and cold is triggering and I'm gonna drink more now." He poured himself another shot.

Mason's eyes widened in surprise at the state Jules was in. And then he was concerned. Very concerned.

Not-Elias: is that vodka?

Not-Elias: careful!

And then he froze as Jules spoke. Trans.

Fuck. So, okay. Mason didn't know himself that well after all. That's fine. It was okay. He tried to convince himself of that even if he felt a little nauseous and increasingly out of control.

He'd been such a dick when he was younger. Defensive, reckless, disrespectful, not caring about anyone else and keeping emotions bottled in. He had pretended to be confident, created a version of himself for everyone else and believed it. And once he'd been called out by so many, by Chris, he'd realized what he'd turned into: this sexist, queer-phobic prick, like a jock straight out of a movie.

He worked so hard to figure out why and relearn how he thought about things, about people, thinking about things he said to make sure he wasn't hurting anybody. He spent so much time learning himself inside and out. Actually starting to like himself for once, no more surprises. And even if his chest was aching and he couldn't breathe from hearing Jules say that, he knew he liked Jules a lot. He knew he had to deal with it.

He wasn't straight.

But he didn't know what to think— his own secrecy had been different— but— of course they weren't dating, and online— and Mason couldn't possibly pretend he knew what being trans was like. Whatever reason Jules had had for not telling him was probably a good one, even though it hurt. Mason realized he hadn't responded, and frankly didn't know how.

Not-Elias: okay

Not-Elias: youve def been drinking too much

Not-Elias: jules

Not-Elias: why didnt you tell me?

Mason paused, biting his lip. He didn't want to sound mad, but he was kind of upset. And he deserved to know why, didn't he?

Jules knocked back the shot, then leaned forward to read his messages. "I said I was bullied... They did some online too and I'm super scared about the fansite being a lot of people who could gang up on me sometimes—" Jules's lip trembled a little and he shook his head and touok a deep breath. No crying in front of Not-Elías.

"I was scared when I started thinking more and liking you, 'cause you were new and different and I was having fun talking to you, but you said you were cis and straight and it was actually real hard to even tell you I'm bi. And it's okay if you don't like me now cause you're straight and I'm a dude, I understand that."

Mason frowned at how Jules looked close to tears, instantly angry at everyone who'd hurt her— who'd hurt him.

His stomach turned as he thought about all the times he misgendered him. Oh God, he suddenly felt really sick. All of those shes and hers crawling up his throat.

Not-Elias: oh jules

Not-Elias: no i

Not-Elias: i like you

He bit his lip. Get over it, Mason.

Not-Elias: i guess i'm just gay. go figure

Jules wiped at his face with his shirt, then remembered there was vodka all over it and pouted a little, staring down at it.

Whoa, there was a flash. Mason's breath caught. He definitely saw a nipple and— fuck. But, oh God, was Jules drunk.

Not-Elias: listen do me a favor, baby, no more shots, yeah?

Not-Elias: put the vodka away

Yes, it felt a little weird calling Jules baby for a moment, knowing he was a guy, but it still felt right. Mason was fucking gay.

Oh, poor Andrew. All alone.

Jules read the messages and wanted to cry even more. He felt so silly for hiding it for so long, especially if it was going like this. "Are you sure?" he asked, staring at the messages.

And then the few about the vodka came through and he pouted, though he was blushing a bit at being called baby again. "But I don't wanna. Tomorrow's my day off and drinking is fun!" He grabbed the bottle, cradling it against his chest. "'S like my baby."

Not-Elias: im sure

Not-Elias: a hundred percent

Not-Elias: even if youre a complete mess

Not-Elias: and you've drunk

Not-Elias: youre drunk

Not-Elias: too much more and youll be poisoned

Not-Elias: ill be your baby instead

Jules grinned, leaning forward. His leg was bouncing now. He set down the bottle. "All right," he said. "But you're my baby now. You gotta come hug me."

Not-Elias: nice okay thank you

Not-Elias: u should drink water if you can

Not-Elias: oh i want to. i will

Mason hated this, not being able to talk to Jules. Especially when he was in this state. He needed comfort, and Mason wanted to give it and— damn it, he wished he could just turn on his camera. Maybe he should. He seriously considered it and— no, not right now, when he was drunk.

Jules tuned into the music again and gasped, grinning. He sang along a little, nodding and getting up to get water like he was told, completely forgetting he was in just a tank top and underwear— not even boxers, just underwear. He came back still singing, then lifted the water so Not-Elías could see it. "Water."

Mason whined a bit as Jules stood up, looking away a second later, staring at the tour bus ceiling. Why did the world want to be so generous yet so cruel?

Not-Elias: and you said you're not a singer

Not-Elias: good! drink up!

Jules grinned, taking a drink and leaning back a little in his chair. "Oh—uh— is there anything you want to listen to? Or watch?"

Not-Elias: uhhhhhh

Not-Elias: spongebob?

Jules nodded, opening up Amazon Prime and attempting to search for it. He misspelled it a few times, but got it in the end. "Oh, this is the best episode," Jules said, grinning and hovering over the Bubble Bowl episode.

They watched one and a half episodes, during which Jules had moved from the chair to his bed, putting the laptop on the chair. Mason honestly wasn't paying all that much attention to Spongebob. Jules was so cute, his drunk commentary endearing.

At some point Mason realized Jules had fallen asleep. He smiled, eyes going soft.

He barely thought about it when he turned on the mic.

"Goodnight, Jules."

Jules, fast asleep, groaned a little. "G'night," he mumbled. "Lub you."

Mason's heart jumped to his throat.

"Jules? Are you awake?"

He blushed hard, cheeks hot. He probably wouldn't mention that part to Jules in the morning.

"Nuh uh," Jules hummed, pulling the blanket over himself better. "'m sleep."

Mason laughed lightly. "Really? Sleeptalker, huh? I'll let you sleep. Talk to you in the morning."

Mason had turned off his mic and hadn't even noticed he had fallen asleep.

"Mason? Why're you still on your computer? S' the middle of the night."

Mason jerked awake, blinking as he looked at Jules on-screen and then at Chris on the top bunk across, leaning over the bed and frowning at him sleepily.

Mason sighed, rubbing some sleep out of his eyes. "I think I'm gonna tell Jules," he said.

"What?" Austin grumbled from below Chris, turning and blinking wildly at Mason. His wavy hair was sticking up in all directions, like static or that kid from Meet The Robinsons.

"He said he's gonna tell Jules," Andrew growled from above Mason, grumpy from being woken up, but listening, blankets tugged tight over his otherwise naked body.

Chris supported his chin on his hand as he tried to get a better look at Mason's face. He was serious. "What changed finally?"

Mason sighed, panic returning as his brain turned the lights back on and told him he was supposed to be freaking out. "It keeps getting harder. And we didn't talk for a bit and— last night— tonight he— he's trans. And he was drunk— "

"Wait— "

"Did you say— "

Mason groaned, dropping his face into his pillow. "Don't--"

Andrew wheezed from above him. "Fuck."

"You're— "

"I get to say it! You dumbasses got to come out," Mason whined as he sat up. "I'm not straight. Probably, uh, pan."

Austin started laughing sleepily as he leaned up on his elbow to properly make fun of Mason.

"I saw it coming," Andrew mumbled. "But fuck you."

Chris bit his lip worriedly. "Okay, but remember when that one fan gave out your number and address even though the address was fake, but you had to change your number and— "

Mason sighed loudly. "Yes, I remember."

And he did remember. He'd thought about it quite a bit, all the worst case scenarios. Jules being pissed off at being royally catfished and outting him to the world in the worst way possible, or Jules being way too happy and outting him and not really caring about him, or Jules just completely cutting him off in shock and outrage. Mason shook the thoughts away. "Jules isn't like that. I just— I want her— him to know, I'm sick of lying."

Austin shrugged. "Okay. Your choice, man. Go for it."

Andrew hummed in agreement, giving the idea a thumbs up that Mason didn't even see, already falling asleep again. Chris sighed and smiled, "I'm sure you're right. You're a good judge of character."

Mason smiled, "Thanks."

In the morning, Jules woke up to find he'd fallen asleep on Rabbit with Not-Elias. He smiled, nuzzling his face against the pillow. He was so cute. So good. He remembered getting drunk and telling him everything, and he'd taken it in stride, just accepting...

He sighed, staring at the icon of Mason on the screen. He wished he knew him. This was just making him want to date him more, though he knew his own rules and didn't want to break them. It felt kinda shitty to feel like that, though, especially since Jules wanted to just... live, really, but it felt like there was always something holding him back. He wiped at his eyes, realizing he was crying a little. God, he was so pathetic.

Mason woke up again to see that Jules was awake. He smiled, then noticed he seemed kinda sad. Mason got up, washing his face and brushing his teeth, looking at himself in the mirror for a moment. Well, he looked as good as he usually did, he guessed. He guessed? Fuck. He was nervous. He groaned and put on a hoodie, yawning as he walked past the bunks and sat down, putting his earphones in.

Not-Elias: good morning! how're you feeling?

Jules jumped a little at the message tone, wiping his eyes again to make sure any trace of tears was gone. He disguised it as sleepy rubbing his eyes and smiled. "Morning, Not-Elias. I feel..." Jules considered telling the truth, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. He settled on one thing. "Hungover. Kinda tired. My head hurts a little. How are you feeling?"

Not-Elias: a little flipped upside down, honestly

Not-Elias: but uh, overall, pretty good

Not-Elias: okay, actually im a little nervous

Not-Elias: hey

Not-Elias: do u know what would be cool

Not-Elias: u should play me some bass

Jules smiled. "I'm glad you're feeling okay, though. I mean— What happened is... a lot, probably. If you need to talk, I'm here. And you really want to hear me play right now? I— uh— okay." He leaned over, picking up his bass from the stand by his bed.

"I wonder if I can play it laying down." He plucked a few strings, then shifted his hands to play it. He laughed a little. "I guess I can... God, you have no idea how many times I've dropped this thing. I'm shocked it still plays." He lifted it up, grinning.

Mason smiled, watching him fondly as he grabbed the bass and played around with it, rambling and laughing. What was he even going to say? 'Hi, I'm not Elias, I'm Not-Elias, with a dash' or 'I'm Not-Elias, AKA Mason Hill AKA masonfucker1000 AKA an asshole?' or even 'Hey, it's Mason, please don't be mad at me or post about this?'.

God, everything he could think of was woefully lame. It was like his nerves had turned him into Chris.

"There's actually a really bad scratch somewhere on here, I think it's on the back... I dropped it when I first got it because my parents told me some shit, I don't even remember what, but it scared me. Oh— oh, I think it was when my grandpa died. They told me and I just... dropped it. It's funny now, because like... y'know, that was my grandpa, but— "

Mason couldn't take it any longer. He moved the mouse, cursor hovering over the camera icon. It seemed easier to do it when Jules was occupied, it made Mason less nervous than when he was looking at the screen. He turned his mic on first, then his camera, smiling. "Uh, hey," he said softly to get his attention. Hey wasn't exactly what he had wanted to say first, but fuck it. His heart was thumping in his ears.

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #lgbt stories #trans stories #lgbt writers #celebritystatus

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ralphspina-blog1 · 7 years

Text

get to know me meme thing

LAST

1) Drink: chai tea... or wait, water after that, but the chai was good enough that it should still be mentioned

2) Phone Call: i last called my parents, the walk in clinic were the last to call me

3) Text Message: “did it turn out alright?” to a friend who accidentally said “i love you” to her bf well before she planed to, lmfao <3

4) Song Listened To: starboy by the weeknd, i still go on tears where i listen to it for hours on repeat

5) Time I Cried: yesterday, i’m pretty sure... i still mostly cry every day, and have been for a concerning amount of time, but eh

HAVE YOU EVER

6) Dated Somebody Twice: more than twice, tbh, i don’t even know how many times we ultimately broke up and got back together

7) Been Cheated On: same person as above, but even more times than we broke up because i was weak

8) Been Kissed By Someone And Regretted It: oh yes indeed, i have not wanted all of the kisses i’ve gotten

9) Lost Someone Special: i’ve lost some incredibly special people in my life. the two i miss most are my cousin (once removed) who passed away when i was about nine, and a former girlfriend (definitely the most serious and meaningful relationship i ever had) who passed away this past november

10) Been Depressed: yeah, i first started seeing professionals about it at 14 or so

11) Gotten Drunk And Puked: lmfao YES I HAVE, that was my life for about six months when i first went to college

THREE FAVORITE COLORS

12) brown

13) green

14) blue

IN THE LAST YEAR

15) Made New Friends: yeah! and i’m so happy :3

16) Fallen Out Of Love: i’m not good at doing that, sadly

17) Laughed Until You Cried: omg yes, i do that about once a week

18) Found Out Someone Was Gossiping About You: no, and i hope no one’s that pressed for gossip because i’m boring af

19) Met Someone Who Changed Your Life: i’m not really sure about that yet, it’s early in the year to know... unless we’re saying since last march, in which case yes, for sure

20) Found Out Who Your True Friends Are: i’ve lost touch with a few people but it wasn’t as harsh as that, more just shedding the social group that was only social because i don’t... go out... these days

21) Kissed Someone On Your Facebook List: in the last year - i don’t think so

HOW MANY/MUCH

22) Facebook Friends: 86

23) Pets: none :(

24) Want To Change Your Name: i did already! in my late 20s

WHAT

25) Did I Get For My Birthday: a couple of new pairs of glasses!

26) Time I Woke Up: oh my god, i think 3:30 am. it was a rough morning

27) Were You Doing At Midnight: trying to sleep...

28) Can’t You Wait For: my next distraction, it’s been a dull day

29) Was The Last Time You Saw Your Mom: she’s sitting beside me on the couch right now!

30) Was Something You Wish You Could Change About Your Life: how it’s played out already - i wish i had finished college the first time. how it is now - just find the energy to do literally anything at all

31) Are You Listening To Right Now: suit and tie by jt

32) Gets On Your Nerves: people who constantly have to be making noise in one way or another, like as a nervous tic, because it does the opposite for me

33) Talked To A Person Named Tom: ... i mean probably, at some point?

34) Is Your Most Visited Website: tumblr, plurk, dreamwidth, youtube

35) Elementary School: it’s been torn down, my dude, it has ceased to be

36) High School: merritt secondary school

37) College: TRU (twice), kwantlen

38) Hair Color: dark ash brown

39) Long/Short Hair: oh god, kind of grown out short?? i need a haircut so tragically

40) Crush: UGH GOD I’M SO ABOUT JPITTS NOW HELP ME

41) Do You Like About Yourself: i guess my ability to see things from perspectives other than my own, or at least consider them?

42) Piercings: ears twice, labret once, all grown over now

43) Blood Type: A-

44) Nickname: maddie is my nickname, really, very few people diminutize it more than that, it’s short for madeline

45) Relationship Status: single and not gonna mingle

46) Zodiac: not only sagittarius, but triple (sun, moon, rising) sagittarius

47) Pronouns: she/her

48) Favorite Show: the last show i saw that really knocked me flat on my ass was stranger things, but i’m always swinging between them too often to have a solid fave. i am deep in hbo war, tho

49) Tattoos: i have six! two on my back, one on my chest, two on my left arm, one on my right

50) Left/Right Handed: right

FIRST

51) Surgery: tonsils when i was 4 or so

52) Piercing: ears, age 12

53) Best Friend: oh jeez, i think his name was nicky...

54) Sport: tee ball

55) Vacation: birch bay, washington state

56) Pair Of Shoes: oh my goodness, i have noooo idea

RIGHT NOW

57) Eating: nothing

58) Drinking: water

59) I Am About To: uuuuuugh i have no idea, maybe nap

60) Listening To: now i’m on dive by ed sheeran, it’s my fav off the new album so far

61) Waiting For: tags, hopefully

62) Want To See: moonlight, so badly

63) Want To Get Married: groans loudly and slides off the couch like tina belcher

64) Career: keeps sliding and groaning

WHICH IS BETTER

65) Hugs/Kisses: hugs are more multipurpose, but kisses are rarer which makes them a kind of treasure

66) Lips/Eyes: that depends, tbh, on whether i’m admiring someone physically or getting to know them on a more mental/emotional level. but if i like someone’s lips, they’ll be incredibly distracting at all times

67) Taller/Shorter: these are all situational...

68) Younger/Older: for friends and other roles in my life, p much irrelevant as long as we get along! romantically, either is fine so long as it’s not such a wide difference that it creates an uncomfortable power dynamic, or just renders us unable to relate to one another

69) Romantic/Spontaneous: OH MY GOD NOT SPONTANEOUS, never ever ever, my anxiety does not take surprises well

70) Nice Arms/Nice Stomach: assuming a “nice stomach” is meant to be washboard abs or smth, definitely arms bc i like a soft, cozy stomach tbh

71) Sensitive/Loud: i’m not really sure what dichotomy this is supposed to present... i don’t think how loud someone is says anything about how sensitive they are

72) Hookup/Relationship: i’ve never been able to hook up, personally, because i don’t have the self-confidence to hop into bed with a stranger. that takes heavy amounts of trust and mutual respect for me. but if that’s how someone does it, i make zero assumptions about them based on that

73) Troublemaker/Hesitant: i think being a troublemaker or mischievous or whatever can be code for straight up not giving a shit about the feelings of others, or even going after them on purpose. if it’s good-natured, though, it’s all good, and i’m so crazy hesitant that i could use someone with that influence

HAVE YOU EVER

74) Kissed A Stranger: no

75) Drank Hard Liquor: yep

76) Lost Glasses/Contact Lenses: lost? no, but broken for sure

77) Turned Someone Down: yes i have

78) Canoodling On A First Date: lmfao HOW DO WE DEFINE CANOODLING HERE... maybe...

79) Broken Someone’s Heart: not on purpose, and not even thoughtlessly, but i’ve had to do things for myself that have hurt people very deeply

80) Had Your Own Heart Broken: oh yeah, absolutely

81) Been Arrested: no

82) Cried When Someone Died: yeah

83) Fallen For A Friend: almost exclusively when it comes to irl crushes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

84) Yourself: oh my god, do i try

85) Miracles: in some senses

86) Santa Claus: well, he’s a mythological figure of sorts, it’s a different sort of belief

87) Kisses On A First Date: they do, in fact, exist!

88) Angels: i believe in presences remaining with a person after death, because i’ve felt them myself, but i don’t know what form i’d call them

89) Love At First Sight: love is an ongoing process, or as massive attack’s teardrop says - love is a verb, love is a doing word

OTHER

90) Best Friend’s Name: laura

91) Eye Color: hazel

92) Favorite Movie: hard core logo

#i was tagged!#by ash

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taesthetes · 7 years

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Hi! It's jilt anon again ,, and I forgot to mention (even tho this is smth in the medical field) I've always loved the idea of being a psychological therapist. A lotta ppl who are in therapy always say that they hate their therapist or that they don't need it, but I've always loved the idea of helping people. I've gone thru tough times , and I still am , I'm very insecure and some people might say "wow you think you're ugly big deal" but it's resorted to some ways that I'm not very proud of- 1/1

(omg I put 1/1 it’s supposed to be a ? Apologies) 2/? -nowadays, people my age are going thru tough times, and I’ve always wanted to help people who struggle too. Since I’m probably never ever gonna come off anon, I’ll just rant on here (if that’s okay if it’s not just say so) I’m only 13 and ppl might think I’m over acting or whatever but what I think so what I think so screw yall haters. I’m a very self conscious person, and I used to have an eating disorder -

(3/?) - its not super extreme where I starved myself to the bone, I’ve never had the will to do that to myself, I’ve resorted to not eating breakfast and if I do, I bring it w me into the car and to school and I throw it away once class starts, I skipped lunch, and I ate less than half of my plate during dinner. I’ve stopped that, but I’m still insecure and only eat dinner everyday. I have monsters in my head, and nothing is worse than waking up in morning to realize that its another day-

(4/?)-to hide myself. At first I started to wear makeup to hide my face , but after a year Its become my passion, and I actually love applying it. I still get shit for wearing it bc apparently I “try too hard” but I do my best to igngote it. I’ve never thought I was good enough, and honestly I still don’t. I’m only 13 but people my age are going thru stuff like this too, and it’s hard. My parents don’t know, and the only person I can talk to is my friend who knows what I’m going thru -

(5/?) I’ve never really had a best friend too?? Or I’ve never been anyone’s best friend. Something like that, I have a lot of regular friends, but I don’t know what it’s like to be able to talk to someone in the middle of the night, to have a sleep over w someone other than my cousin, to tell secrets to someone, I’ve never known what that’s like. I’m sorry if I seem like I’m trying to get a pity party, but I just wanted to rant. Sometimes the thoughts in my head become to much -

(6/6) and I have to break a razor. And omg I feel like an attention whore but thank you so much for taking time to respond and read. Idk what the world would do w/o ppl like you 😦 have an amazing day!! (I saw your selfies and omfg you’re beautiful!!) -jilt anon

hey, sunflower!! how have you been? i’m gonna put my answer under the cut because it got really long oops

oooh, that’s a great major; two of my friends are majoring in psychology and want to become therapists as well! and being a psychological therapist is definitely a wonderful way to help people. but oh sunflower, i’m sorry you had to go through insecurities and having insensitive people be unkind ): that’s really rude of them to say such things, and i really hope they stopped being hurtful.

(and that’s ok!! 1/1 just reminds me of shinee’s 1 of 1 so it’s all good aha) but yes, i agree; everyone i know is incredibly stressed out and going through their personal issues, so therapists are really helpful. and yes, you’re always welcome to rant to me! i’m always here to listen if you ever want to talk :) i don’t think you’re overacting at all. regardless of age, everyone has their battles.

first off, i’m so sorry you had to go through all this. eating disorders are awful, and i had thoughts about starving myself when i was younger, but i’m thankful my past self never did it in the end. and, i’m really glad you’re getting better. it’s great that you’ve taken the step of fully eating during dinner time, and i really hope you start to eat for breakfast and lunch as well. it doesn’t have to be a big meal; start small with maybe a banana for breakfast? or a fruit smoothie? and maybe some carrots and dip for lunch? and slowly expand your lunch from there? i really don’t want you skipping meals ): it’s not good for your body, but i’m proud that you are now eating dinner! keep going! you can get through this, sunflower!!

i know it’s hard to get rid of your insecurities immediately, but it’s a gradual process of building up your self esteem. something i like to do is to give myself one compliment every day or accomplish something everyday. it doesn’t have to be something grand. you can say something like “i took a shower today. i took care of myself well today.” i too have those monster thoughts sometimes, and it takes baby steps to build up your confidence, but i know, one day, you’ll wake up and feel proud of yourself.

and that’s amazing!! i think it’s so cool that you love makeup. i always think it would be fun to be able to blend and create different looks, but i’m not very good at makeup unfortunately. usually, my sister or my friends do it for me if it gets fancier than eyeliner and mascara. just ignore all those people, sunflower /: you do you, and wear all the makeup you want if you love it. i’m proud of you for doing what makes you happy and paying no attention to those people.

i know you might not want to do this, but i really think you should talk to your parents about this if you’re struggling a lot. your parents will want to help you, and they can get you help if you need it. but i’m glad you have someone to talk to about this!

having close friends and not a best friend is good, too. and you have your cousin! you mentioned that she was your best friend before, i believe? so you are having sleepovers and sharing secrets with your best friend :D and there’s no need to apologize! i’m always here to listen to whatever you’d like to say. and omg please don’t use a razor. please, please, please, if you ever have thoughts of using a razor, please come and talk to me instead. i’m always here for you.

and please don’t think of yourself that way! thank YOU for always stopping by and talking to me! i enjoy talking to you :) asdkjhfas you’re too kind omg thank you so much and i hope you have a lovely day, too!! 😦 (and thank you adjkfahsdf i’m sure you’re just as gorgeous if not more!)

#replies #anonymous #jilt anon

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