*whisper yells*

HE LOVES ME!!

Sherlock Holmes The Awakened Demo Thinky Thoughts

A bit late, but I wanted to share my first reaction to the Awakened demo! This is essentially an expanded version of what I wrote on the FW discord, with screenshots edited to look nicer for tumblr. I will do a separate post on the extra stuff that is normally inaccessible without Ansel. [Extra stuff post here]

So: spoilers ahead + keep in mind that the game is darker and moodier, I edited some of the screenshots so that they are clearer on tumblr/mobile view.

Sweet sweet concept art, gorgeous intro music, yay! The main theme is atmospheric and dark, giving me very slight vibes of the Sarif HQ track from DX:HR... I mean this in a good way, not in a “they copied it” way. It’s that sort of nostalgic ambience, but deeper and darker. One day I’ll stop drawing parallels to Deus Ex, but today is not that day.

The intro cinematic is pre-rendered and really good; I liked Sherlock's narration and the implication it's all in Watson's/players' hands now... He sounds more authoritative and distant than in CO.

I really liked the visual with the fly caught in the cobweb.

I did not expect this! It's a really fun title sequence and wow, we’re being thrown straight into chapter 3. I too thought it would be London but this is great 😄

WATSON!!! At this point I’m thinking, “Oooh we're gonna play as Watson, they probably don’t want to show Sherlock just yet, I know someone who's gonna be very happy about this o,o” (ahem hem, @lucere-aeresta​) I like long dialogues/cinematics so this intro was a treat. I'll have to replay of course but it felt very satisfying to see a chunk of the story here and be introduced to the new characters. There’s a lot going on!

The receptionist

Dr. Gygax!

You can walk around a little and talk to a couple of NPCs. There’s this easter egg - it’s a Lovecraft easter egg (thanks for figuring that one out, Lucere!) The paper itself is straight from Cordona. :D

You cannot pick this letter up, but the message is very clear. May be a clue in the final game.

Who’s there...? BTW this is the exact face Sherlock gives Jon when he plays the guitar too loudly in the CO seance scene :D

OH NO. LMAO! This had me in stitches, and of course I lied. Nice American accent, you dork. The subsequent journal entry essentially saying "Watson tried to act, I guess" gave me a chuckle. I tried!  So hard! And in the en-- moving on...

Here’s how the journal looks like now. The clues have updated icons and you can toggle to sort them by type (document, conversation, item, etc.) or the order in which you found them.

So yeah, Sherlock shows up in disguise and a terrible American accent, says the iconic “Guten day,” and then he gets sedated because Watson cannot lie to save his life.

Of course. OF COURSE. Now I know someone who's going to be a bit disappointed we don’t spend much time as Watson, but that's not me. 😂 My first thought -> they heard us cry and wail about the stubble and said "We're gonna make you beg to have the stubble back" Ok, ok, you win. I'm sorry. 😭

(insert half an hour of zooming around with Ansel instead of playing the damn game) This is how the game levels look when you go out of bounds!

Found some of you in the back! And in the cells! :3 (There’s a wall with photographs of the Kickstarter backers, and a row of cells with names and custom faces - although you cannot see the characters very well at this point.)

Right, I should play. The lockpicking puzzles were fun, but I'll admit I found both of them extremely easy. But I am a seasoned adventure game fan and it's a nice little thing to do for that feeling of escaping the cells. The “Mycroft” (custom) difficulty setting does let you change the puzzle difficulty, so we are probably going to face a bigger challenge in the finished game. The settings don’t make a difference in the demo, though.

SHERLOCK. NO. PUT IT DOWN.

PUT THOSE DOWN OH MY GOD

So yeah, I think it’s safe to say he’s a full blown addict by now. Vogel, what have you done?

Ran into the guard three times, got a game over 😎 Confirmation that yeah Sherlock is still afraid of water! I bet he's gonna love the trip to America and boating around the swamps. What could go wrong.

FYI, there's a guard that you need to figure out how to get past. It's not a sneaking sequence, but you need some items. If he notices you 3 times he rings the alarm, and the game reloads

At this point I'm having fun just investigating stuff and admiring the new journal etc., it's all very nicely designed. It's awesome that we can sort evidence by type now! The mind palace facelift is so good and feels more involved than before.

Back to the game... I SQUEALED!!! 😄 duhhh

And again! Two back to back CO references, yay ♥

Well I am a smart detective and deal with the guard with my brain and not my fists. Time to yoink all of his clothes. Where did his body go? We don't ask such questions around here...

HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL YEAAAAAAAH

ANSEL PHYSICS RESET MY BELOVED ♥♥ never fix this please never ever

(cue another photoshoot) 

The biggest tease in all of the demo: THAT EXCLAMATION MARK. Let... me... see... outfits! 😂 Lovingggg the updated outfit screen, so happy there's some gorgeous lighting in there. It looked kinda bad in CO.

Okay, back to playing the game! I LIED, more photoshoots as the inmates scream, cry, and wail all around me. Sucks to be them, I guess.

Okay, Gerda! I LOVE her new design, and her voice actress too! She was so great.

Gerda is the second inmate that we meet. She wants her friend Heidi back and until then she will not talk. The first inmate that we meet is Mauricio Napoleon, it is just a short but entertaining conversation/cinematic. We don’t talk to him any more in the demo.

He does that lil smile as she spits the worst threats at him, it's glorious

Something something Silent Hill 3 (Gorgeous!)

I try to play the mountain goat in every game and the absence of the jump button will not stop me

So I didn't take screenshots of the quite meaty gameplay surrounding getting Heidi back and figuring out what's going on, so here's some thoughts: - The updated crime scene investigation looks fantastic! The smokey green aesthetics are fitting and everything is much clearer than it was in CO. I like that we can see how many variations there are for each 'node'. The only thing I'm not sure about is the first person perspective - Sherlock's close focus mode - because I had trouble seeing what's different in the variations, and sometimes the models would push me back a little bit when they loaded. I'd move away from the node just by trying to see things and had trouble re-positioning... not a great deal of trouble, of course, but it is a downgrade from SHCO. I think the 3rd person mode like with Jon in CO works much better. This is my biggest criticism of the demo. - There was a tad too much running back and forth just to seemingly fetch a few items... this may be polished further, I don't know. It gave me old adventure game vibes where you kinda run back and forth for a few small things lol. - I wished we could use the items more directly and/or assemble things, not just have them as text in the inventory... but I understand that making a new puzzle feature may be too much work at this point - The "three clues" dialogue confused me for a moment, but so it did in CO as well so this may be a ‘me’ problem 😂 I keep forgetting that there are 3 different questions to answer, not that I need to present 3 accurate clues... hahah. - The darker overtones are soooo up my alley! When I figured out what had happened to one of the people in the casket... ooof anyway, time to find and assemble Heidi!

Him <3

Awww, isn't it cute?

BUT IT'S WRONG

Oh so wrong 😂 I did NOTTTT expect this ahahahahhhh Hands down the best part of the demo The mental health aspect of the remake was what had me a little worried, but you know what, I think it's gonna be fine 😂 Heidi is one bad bench, and Sherlock just ACCEPTING he's now talking to a demonic doll and making the most of it is just chef's kiss Love, love, love. We're all mad here.

I unlocked a reward, and what a sweet one it is! Sadly, you cannot change your clothes in the demo. The updated physics make his chain and bag go bouncing like crazy, haha.

And thank

you

for reading! Feel free to send me an ask if you have any questions.

Hey dude, I was wondering, whenever you have time, and whenever you feel like it, could you maybe write a fluffy platonic bestfriend!harry with a reader who's like 17-18 and an actress who's in a movie and he writes a song for the movie so that's how they know each other, and they're doing the press tour of the movie together and an interviewer is being rude and Harry defends her?

Oh my gosh, I love this idea SO MUCH! I’m literally a sucker for best friend Harry, it’s my favorite thing to write.

Also sorry for taking a bit to reply, I’m still trying to figure out how to use tumblr, lol. And I changed her age to ab freshly 20 :p

any who, hope you like it!

-m

“And cut!” The director yells, and the bell goes off. Everyone is on the go as soon as he gives the cue. Y/n’s makeup team coming over to fix her hair and makeup.

“Do you guys think I’m doing good?” She questions, a little nervous about how well she is performing. She is a new actress after all, this is her first big Hollywood movie! After many failed auditions, and small parts on Netflix series she finally got herself a big role.

“You are doing amazing girl. No need to be nervous.” Her hair stylist, Anna, reassures her. Her makeup artist, jay, nodding his head in agreement.

“They love you, y/n. You were cast for a reason, girly. Now show em what you got.”

“Thank you guys.” She smiles at them and her cheeks redden at her friends compliments. The bell goes off and they all get ready to film the next scene.

The rest of the day goes well and on her way out she bumps into someone, too busy looking down at her scripts just to make sure she remembers everything. Her scripts and keys fall out of her arms and land on the ground, next to whoever she bumped into journal.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, that was totally my fault.” She quickly falls to bend her knees and pick up her things. The stranger bends next to her.

“‘S ok, I wasn’t paying attention either.” His voice sounds familiar. So fucking familiar. But she can’t put a finger on it. She looks up when she gathers her things. Her eyes meeting the strangers for the first time. “Oh I know you. Your the lead character, y/n l/n.” She smiles at, finding it strange that he recognizes her. Harry Styles. Harry styles recognizes her. And she decides that’s the coolest thing ever. “‘M actually writin’ a song for your movie.” They both stand to their full height and he hands her her keys.

“I heard about that! That must be super cool. I’ve always been super interested in music. Just wish I didn’t sound like a dying cat.” They both laugh lightly at that, and he shakes his head at her.

“Doubt that.”

“I wish your doubts were correct. But unfortunately they aren’t.” He just chuckles before he suddenly remembers something.

“I forgot to introduce myself. ‘M Harry.” He holds his hand out, and she takes it in hers and shakes his hand.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Harry. I’ve actually heard some of your stuff before. ‘M quite a fan of Fine Line.” He shyly smiles and their hands go back to their side.

“I don’t mean this in a weird way, but would you want to go grab some coffee?” She smiles and nods her head.

“Would love too.” He nods and gives her a smile before they turn to walk out. As they walk to his car, she assumes, she remembers something her coworkers briefly mentioned. “Aren’t you gonna have a small part in the movie?” She questions, looking over at him.

“Yeah actually, ‘m quite excited.”

“It’s gonna be fun. I saw Dunkirk so I know you will kill whatever scene you have. Aren’t you in a few with me and Andrea?” She questions.

“Five scenes total.” He informs her. “Then I have a few more with Timothee and Jeniffer.”

“That’ll be fun. We party a lot in those scenes.” She shimmies her shoulders when she says party to add some effect, and it does what she intends to and makes him laugh.

They reach Harry’s car and he takes them to a small cafe. They chat over tea and coffee, y/n also having a double chocolate chip muffin because she couldn’t resist. They talk about growing up, all things music, y/n’s career, Harry career. They both tell stories of the craziest moments they have so far in their journey of success. Both have a good time.

They get to know each other and at the end of the night they exchange numbers. He takes her back to set and drops her off by her car. He tells her goodnight and she does the same, smiling when she sat down in her car.

She hope she just made a new friend. They had so many things in common. From the way they dress, the music they like, their favorite food, etc. She thinks it’s safe to say the connected well at the small cafe and she hopes this is the start of them becoming close friends.

And they do end up becoming close friends over the six months they work together. Harry ended up coming to set more often than not, bringing lunch to y/n or eating the food they serve. They go back to her trailer and eat their food, catching up with each other, and sometimes having a food fight. Harry updates her on the songs he is writing, or the Gucci ads he has been modeling for. She tells him about the scene they filmed, or some small roles she has been offered. They also catch up, asking eachother about how their families are doing, making plans for later that night or if one of them had an event they wanted the other to accompany them too.

They both know each other’s families well. They spend the night at each other houses often. Harry takes her to the studios on her days off, showing her the process of recording. She instantly connects with Jeff as well since they both have a similar since if humor that includes teasing Harry on the regular.

But now the filming was done, and so was the editing. They were two weeks away from the release! Y/n was excited but also extremely nervous. But now they were all doing a press tour. And lucky for y/n, Harry got to tag along because of his small role and because he wrote most of the sound track for the movie.

They were about to go on another interview, this one just her and Harry. Their costars doing their own interviews scattered around the building. She was happy her and harry were partnered to do all the interviews today, it meant more time to goof off with him when they aren’t supposed to.

“Well first off I just want to say thank you guys for sitting down with me today.” The interviewers starts, his name y/n found out, is Ben.

“Thank you for having us.” They both say simultaneously.

“So let’s talk about the movie. I know y/n, you are a main character. Can you tell me what it’s like? Being new to the scene and working around men like Harry or Timothee? It’s got to be hard to contain yourself around the pair.” Y/n doesn’t know whether to scoff or smile through it and act like that wasn’t extremely sexist. But when she sees Harry visibly tense and his face harden she knows to just let it slide. She doesn’t want to start something that her manager will want to kill her for. So she bites her tounge.

“I don’t find it intimidating at all. Both of them are very talented, but I don’t find it intimidating. Especially not when they are you friends.” She puts an emphasis on friend.

“Harry, this is your second roll in a movie, and you wrote majority of the soundtrack, how was that? Do you think you will do more movies after this?” Y/n wants to roll her eyes. Of course he gets a normal question but she gets one asking if she could keep her legs closed around her best friend and costar.

“I enjoyed it. It got hectic and stressful at times. But I really enjoyed it and I enjoy acting and obviously writing and singing so I was glad I could do both.” The interviewer nods and this is how the next few questions go. Y/n getting questions like “which costar would you rather date?” “Did you have a crush on anyone while filming?” Really inappropriate and unprofessional questions. But Harry got questions about the writing process, what his favorite scene to film was, and so on. But it was obvious both of them were fed up with the interviewer asking her the types of questions he was. So after the third question Harry chimed in before y/n could come up with an answer that would answer it but not really answer it.

“‘M sorry, but are you gonna actually ask her about the movie? Or how her acting career has been going? Or just anything other than if she found someone hot or who she would mess around with? It’s quite unprofessional and it’s clearly making her uncomfortable.” The interviewer stills, his cheeks flushing. Even the camera crew stills and in the background I can hear jay clapping and saying “yes Harry” faintly. A small smile forms on her face and she looks over at her best friend, noticing how his gaze is strong as he looks at the interviewer with a penetrating gaze. Harry sounded very professional and calm when he told the interviewer off, but his eyes give away exactly how he feels.

“Right, my apologies y/n. But I think that’s actually a wrap.” He looks over at the director and nods.

He doesn’t even shake their hands before he leaves. He just scurries away with bright red cheeks as everyone’s eyes follow him.

“Thank you for that, H.” She smiles up at him before her arms go around his neck and his go around her waist.

“No need t’thank me. No lady should be asked those questions. It’s no ones business who yeh fancy, or whatever the fuck else he was trying to dig out of yeh. ‘S not the ass hats bloody business.” She chuckles and shakes her head, patting his back lightly.

“It’s ok, Harry. You already told him off, no need to get upset over it again.” She pulls back when she’s done talking and Harry huffs.

“Guess yer right.” She smiles at him and pats his head before they walk off set. As they leave the building she loops her arm around his waist and he does the same around her. Her head rests on his shoulder and his lays on hers as they leisurely walk outside.

“Wanna go get some ice cream?” She questions, already knowing his answer but wanting to see his reaction. His head pops up and he looks at her with wide eyes.

“Course I want t’get ice cream! Only mad men turn down ice cream.” She laughs and shakes her head before he stops in his tracks.

“Race you to the car, loser pays.” She squints her eyes at him and holds her hand out.

“Deal.” He goes to shake her hand but she pulls away and starts running towards Harry’s car.

“That’s not fair!” He chuckles, running a little bit behind her.

And in the end, Harry ends up paying for the ice cream with a pout on his face.

459

Ok I’m sorry but these name surveys have turned out to be loadsa fun for me so let me just take another one lmaooooo. 

I honestly find it therapeutic since it allows me to reflect and look back on all of the people I’ve crossed paths with before, whether for better or for worse :) Sorry if I’ll repeat names/explanations, I’ll do my best to remember more stuff about them!

aaron: Already mentioned this in the last survey, but he’s a part of my high school friend group. He was one of my first guy friends ever and he was very nice to me from the very beginning; always made sure I felt like I belonged in a crowd. Also studies in UP and I think he is taking up sports science because he wants to go on to med school. abby/abbey: This is my mom’s name. She goes by the first spelling. I know an Abby from high school; she studies in La Salle now. adam: I don’t know him personally but there used to be a dude from WhatCulture Wrestling (a popular YouTube channel) named Adam – he was my favorite to watch until he got caught in a major fuck-up and was booted from the group. adel adrienne ajee

ajla alan: I have an uncle named Allan. He was part of my dad’s friend group in college; they met each other in their org. He was in every birthday party when I was a kid, but I don’t see him anymore now because his family already migrated somewhere else. alex: Broad comm student who plays the guitar and sings well; I haven’t talked to her. I also knew an Alex from 6th grade and she was just...not a very bright student. She had to move because I don’t think her grades reached the standard in my school, and now I think she lives in California. If not there, then somewhere else in the States. Alex is a fairly common name here, though, and I know I’ve missed out on a bunch of other Alexes.

alexa: Again, another girl from high school. Was a cool girl and a party girl from the very start. Like I said in my past survey, she lives in Australia now. alexis alexzandria alicia: My friend Alliyah’s boss, who she has a huge crush on, is named Alicia but she goes by Alice. alisa allie/ally: Gossiping fake loser from our rival journ org who does nothing but spread black propaganda about our org to keep people from joining ours – when she talks to us, though, she’s super nice. I’m so fucking happy she’s graduating because she has such a toxic personality :(  allison: Former prof in Comm 100. Wasn’t very good but I had a crush on her from the very first lecture. She had a serious car accident in the middle of the sem and had to wear like a nose brace thing for the rest of the sem. alycea/alycia alyssa: I rode the school bus with a girl named Alyssa but I was much closer to her older sister Alex. There’s also an Alyssa from broad comm and I was classmates with her in my political science, history, and broad comm classes for this semester. She’s the niiiiiiiicest girl and would always help me out if I have missing notes or whatever. amanda: Girl from my org who’s taking up engineering. I was her VP last semester, but she had personal problems and so she wasn’t able to work much under me. Whenever she did, though, she was always reliable. Quiet girl, a little socially awkward. amari amber andrew: I first met him at a rally/protest I attended in 2017. Hit it off well right from the start because I saw that he was wearing a wrestling shirt, so we bonded over WWE that day. He plays the guitar and has released his own EP, is a junior DJ at one of the hip radio stations in Manila, and has done his fair share of hosting gigs. He used to take up engineering but shifted to journalism as he likes it better. Is very adventurous and amiable but tends to get too friendly; some might find it tiring but I honestly think it’s just his personality. He was my groupmate in communication research and I thought he was decent. angela: My best friend’s name is Angela. We first met each other in Grade 1 when we were 7, and we became friends after I stabbed her palm with a newly-sharpened pencil. She still has the pencil mark today. anna: Anna is a popular secondary name in the Philippines, but no one actually uses it as their main name. anne: Same with Anne. annie: My grandma’s best friend who used to come over the house every Sunday. Like I said in the past survey, I’m honestly not sure if she’s still alive lol. She was already pretty old when I was still very young. anthony aasad ashley: I *think* I have a distant cousin named Ashley that I first met at a family reunion last year. But let’s be real, Filipino families are huge and I don’t even know if I remember her name correctly, if she’s even an Ashley. aubri: One of my closest friends in high school was Aubrey. We were very, very close in junior year until she dropped a bomb on me that her family was migrating to California by the time we start senior year. We don’t talk anymore because of the distance and the timezones, but I’ll always be there for her no matter what. Incredibly talented dancer and figure skater. She’s in UCLA right now and as far as I know she is killing it over there. austin autumn: I know an Autumn from my wrestling fandom days. I think she was a redhead, but I don’t remember anything else. barbara becca: A girl from broad comm. She was one of the principal actors in one of the productions we did for BC and she has a really cute laugh. Super elegant; she reminded me a little bit of Audrey Hepburn because she was really graceful. She’s the older sister of my orgmate Rita, who’s from psych. ben beth bethany betty: I have a friend-ish named Bettina. Betty’s kind of like a goofy nickname; she actually doesn’t use it but I think it still counts. I’ve known her since first grade; she peed her skirt in our first day of Grade 1 and I remember her crying a lot. She had a wild TV show phase starting from Grade 5 and she was into Nicole Kidman, Paula Abdul, Kara DioGuardi, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Stana Katic, Kate Walsh, etc etc etc and a bunch of shows like Private Practice, Grey’s Anatomy, Castle, Suits etc etc etc. She was super shy, very awkward in person so I’m glad her love of TV shows and actresses sprung her into life for the most part. She’s in UP Manila and I think too busy to get into fandoms now. bijan bobby bram brandon brandy breanna/brianna: Brianna is my friend Pat’s middle name. I honestly used to be so envious of this name of hers because I thought it sounded really nice, but now I think it kinda sounds like a bratty name hahaha. brendan brian: I have an uncle named Bryan, but we aren’t related. He’s my mom’s cousin’s husband. He’s VERY shy and likes to keep to himself or his kids at family gatherings but turns really cool when he’s had a little to drink. brittany/brittney/brittni brock brooke bruce buck cameron camille: Nice girl from my childhood school bus. There’s an unofficial norm in private schools in that when you’re older, you get to be mean to the younger kids. Not her. She was always nice and include us second graders in her antics in the bus, even though she was several years older. I was bummed when I found out they moved to the States. candy carina: I used to ride the school bus with a Carina but she was much younger. I was already in high school when she was in kindergarten. She’s the younger sister of Carissa, who I always found to be pretty weird. Anyway, these girls were clearly rich and pampered; they had a nanny ride with us in the bus. carly: I had an Internet friend named Carley; she was my first online best friend. We met here on Tumblr in like 2012 and got close because we were both huge fans of Stephanie McMahon at the time haha. We would video-call EVERY afternoon when I would come home from school while she would get ready for school (she’s from Pennsylvania). Eventually she’d disappear off the face of the earth and stopped talking to me but resurfaced a few months later. She’d continue to do this like 10 other times until I got tired of getting my hopes up of having her back. She’s tried reconnecting with me again on DMs but I just ignored it cos I knew there was a good chance she’d just cut off our communication again. We’re still Facebook friends and she’d pop up on my news feed from time to time, but that’s it. carol: I have a great-aunt named Carol. But my grandma has so many sisters that I honestly do not remember which one she is. carrie cassandra: I had a batchmate named Kassandra, who went by Kasey. Really bright, sweet, intelligent girl. She moved to Singapore in 7th grade. She was very, very simple and very kind to everyone and you wouldn’t be able to tell that she’s crazy rich. Her dad’s a top exec for a famous food and drink company and she lives in the same village I do–their house is guarded 24/7. cassidy chantel charlotta chelsie: Chelsea’s part of our high school friend group and is also crazy rich. We always hung out at her place because her house is huge. She’s very maarte, which I cannot really translate to English...the closest term is probably high maintenance hahaha; but she’s very sweet and generous and kind too. cheryl chris: One of Gabie’s best friend is a Kris. Other than liking outdoorsy stuff like going to the beach and hiking which is all I know about her, I think she’s also half-American. christopher: I have an uncle with this name but like I said his nickname is Perry. He works abroad like my dad (his brother-in-law) and my dad’s sister (his sister-in-law). cienna clare: Guidance counselor for several grade school levels. Understandably, she is very maternal. I once had a nasty fight with another girl and we had to be sent to her office. clarissa: Went to school with a Clarisa. We first met in Grade 4 because she rode my school bus, and instantly clicked. She was very nice, very sweet; she was simple to the point that, like Kasey, you’d have no clue how rich she was. She lives in a huge mansion now but she lived in a huge house before that as well, it’s crazy. Really, really sweet and she would give the best hugs. I played table tennis a lot with her in high school too. She studies in Miriam now but I’m not so sure about her course. claudia: Already said a lot about her in the last survey. Popular girl her whole life. She still goes to a bunch of parties but she is so much nicer now than she was when we were younger. cody cole collin corey corinne: One of my former teachers named her daughter Corinne. I think she’s 8 this year. courtney crissy: Chrissy was one of my very best friends in preschool and grade school. She looked Chinese even though she had a Filipino-sounding surname, and I was never sure if she had Chinese blood or not. She was boyish so she was very rowdy, liked to play rough, and punched other girls if she got pissed; but other than that she was very quiet and shy. She was constantly on the basketball team too. Eventually her family moved to Canada. crystal dallas dan danielle danika: An orgmate that worked under my committee two semesters ago. She’s from business ad and was juggling another org so she wasn’t very active at all to begin with. Her performance just plummeted every month and she ended up ghosting my org last semester–never replied to anyone when we tried to check up on her. I was very mad at her until she restarted contact with us recently and explained how tumultuous stuff suddenly got in her personal life and mental health that she had to take care of herself for a while, which we all understood immediately. She’s coming back to the org this year and we’re more than ready to welcome her. She’s very charming, goofy, and kind. She has a very life-of-the-party personality haha. danny: I have a friend-ish named Dani that I met through Angela. We all sat at the same table during the senior ball at Ateneo in 2016 so we got to talk then. She played volleyball in high school and she studies in San Beda now. She wants to take up law school so I think her course is in political science.  darious david: Pat’s boyfriend from Serbia and Patrice’s boyfriend from economics HAHAHAHA. Also a sucky groupmate from my comm res class who did absolutely nothing to contribute in the final paper that Hannah and I worked our asses so hard for. dean deanglo derrick destiny devin dillon donna dwayne [Random survey-taker note: these are all very Western names...] emie emily eric: My godfather is an Eric. Like my Tito Allan, he also met my dad through their college org. He’s an exec in a bank now and is suuuuuuper rich. Has a daughter named Arya which he could’ve named after the GoT character but am not really sure about that. everette felicia gabby: Wildly popular name. 1) My girlfriend’s name is Gabie; 2) there was another Gaby in my high school batch. 3) I have a friend from the Tumblr wrestling fandom named Gabbie who was really good in Photoshop – we study in the same school but have never met each other. 4) I have a high school batchmate whose little sister is a Gaby, annnnnddd I also just remembered that 5) there was another Gabbi in the wrestling fandom who also made good edits at the time. gerald gina guliana gloria: Do last names count? Hahaha. Gloria is the surname of my instructor in my class in international relations just this past sem. He’s a new faculty member but is craaaazy good at teaching; clearly knows what he’s talking about. He was passionate about his subject and I always admired that about him. I was really sad when class had to end. grace: I have a great-aunt named Grace; he’s my late grandpa’s sister. She’s really...quite fabulous; she has connections with super prestigious people and has a fancy wardrobe. She’s the only Filipino grandmother I know who goes by ‘Nana’ to her grandkids, which I note because Nana is like a super Western thing afaik. She has drama queen tendencies though and can be sensitive to a lot of things lmao. gracie hannah: One of the close friends I’ve made in college so far! Our first meeting was when she and Macy moved from UP Los Banos to the Diliman campus (where I study) and the three of us enrolled in our classes together. I was closer to Macy first, but eventually me and Hannah got a stronger friendship. Best groupmate, workmate, and David Archuleta fan I know. Sings great and plays the piano great. An absolute angel. hasan hawa hayley: I only know a dog named Hailey lol. heather: Someone from my high school batch is a Heather! We were never in the same cliques but she is one of the friendliest people I know. She knows how to talk to anyone which I appreciated. We bonded over One Direction in high school and she also confided in me a few times about her relationship and how her parents forbade her from seeing her boyfriend because he was trans. She also studies in my school now, taking up business economics. We barely see each other but say hi whenever we do. holly hunter ibro isaac isaiah jack jackie: One of my aunts has a relative named Jackie and I literally only found this out earlier when we met up and caught up with each other. jacob jacquelin jaden: A kid of my mom’s best friend is a Jaden. He was named after Jaden Smith because he was born during the time the Karate Kid remake made big waves. jake: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I had a garbage instructor with this name. This dude was in charge of my weekly crying binges and panic attacks because I was never sure if I was gonna pass his class. He seemed to enjoy giving all of us failing marks too which made me hate his piece of shit ass more. He’s supposed to be really good at what he does but I guess knowledge just does not always translate well in the classroom. Ended up passing his class, but now I’m cursing his ass forever. james: I have a younger cousin named James. I’ve only met him twice; once when he was a newborn, and then when he celebrated Christmas 2018 with us. His family’s lived in New Zealand and Vietnam since 2008, which is why we never get to see him, and why he does not remember me at all. janai janveia jared jason jay: My uncle is a Jay; he’s my mom’s brother. I disowned him as my uncle many years ago. He’s a terrible drunk, a disgusting smoker, and an annoying freeloader. I tried giving him a chance before, but after I found out that he drunkenly punched a cat once, I ignored him forever. Sometimes my mom and grandmother would ask me to acknowledge him at family gatherings, so I’d have to begrudingly do so; but other than that he’s out of my life. jazmine: There was a Jasmin from my old school. She’d always been very artistic and she was into K-Pop very early on. She’s taking up linguistics in my school now. jeana jeanette jen: Girl from the now-ancient Tumblr wrestling fandom. She’s probably the biggest and most passionate wrestling fan I know as she would follow both the mainstream and indie promotions the last time I checked up on her. She was kinda vain and kept on taking selfies while captioning each one as ‘ugly.’ I remember that she has a dog she really loves, and that she lives in Boston. jeralyn jerry jesse jessica: Meh, annoying girl from high school. I’m sure she’s nice(?) but her personality just didn’t click with me. She was too vibrant and too friendly that it almost seemed fake; but what do I know, I never really made the effort to know her better other than bonding over 1D here and there. jim jocelyn jodi: I know a Jodee from my old school. Spoke straight English, is intelligent, but is a huge goofball and very mischievous/rebellious. She was a smartass and liked testing the teachers’ patience whenever she can, but she always did it in a very funny way I think. She was often called to the guidance counselor’s office for having relationships with other students (I went to a Catholic all-girls’ private school, so this was obviously not allowed) but she always stood her ground about it and was never afraid to fight back. She had a phase of unhooking our bras in like 5th grade. joey: My blockmate has a younger sister named Joey. I think she is also studying in UP. john: The cousin I’m closest to is named John, but it’s not his preferred name. jonathan jordan josh: I know two Joshes, but only because they are boyfriends of a couple of acquaintances. jossie julia julie junior justin: I went to school with a girl who initially went by Justinn, but like she all wanted to start calling her by her other name, Ria, as we grew older. I also briefly rode the school bus with a girl named Justine, but we didn’t talk much. kailyn kaitlyn kaleb: Chelsea’s brother is named Caleb. kali karrie karli kasey: Oh, I guess Kasey (under Cassandra) falls under this too lmao. kasahwn katarina: Not exact, but Katrina’s a fairly popular name where I live. My cousin’s boyfriend is named Katrina, my aunt is a Katrina (but she goes by Bianca), and I also went to school with a Katrina even though her nickname is Cheenie. kate: Already talked about this in the last name survey. I met Kate through my org; she’s a huge joker/goofball, is naturally very friendly, and has an awesome wardrobe. When she’s bored and we both aren’t doing anything, she puts makeup on me. Works very well but is also a huge partier HAHAHAHA. katie: This is my nickname for Kate, if that counts. kayla: There’s a Kayla in my college, but her course is in broad(cast) comm(unication). I remember her very well because she is the first person I EVER talked to when we had our freshman orientation in UP. We didn’t become close after that. She’s pretty, has nice clothes and hair, is part of the popular circle, and she’s part of streetdance which is like one of the cooler orgs on campus. kelli kent: I have a younger cousin who’s a Kent. We used to be close when we were both kids, but now we’re shy towards each other. He was obsessed with dinosaurs when he was younger, like 5 or 6. kerna kevin kiana: I have an orgmate named Kiana! SOOOOO pretty and has like the clearest skin. Very simple and down-to-earth. Is nice but can kick your ass because she has a black belt in taekwondo. She’s smart as hell and I’m pretty sure she’s graduating as magna cum laude, besides the fact that she’s going to UP Law right after. kiley kim: I also have an orgmate named Kim :) He’s the sweetest guy ever, and is just so easy to talk to. He has a really cute relationship with one of the org’s alumni. I didn’t get to bond with him much but am sad all the same that he’s graduating this year :( kimberly: Went to my old school with a Kimberly but she went by Kim. Was one of the rougher, lesser-behaved kids. She was a demon in grade school. Not quite sure how she’s doing now. She’s my friend on Facebook but can’t really care less about her life updates. kirsten kristy kyle: Kyelle is a kinda good friend of mine. He’s from the same circle, but we aren’t close in particular. He’s very nice though, very silly and likes to goof around. laila lain: I used to have an orgmate named Laine. She was our VP for External Affairs two years ago. She’s now in law school. leah: Cheenie’s mom is a Lea. She’s probably the best mom friend my mom made from my school hahaha; she’s known me since I was 4. lexi: I have a high school batchmate named Alexa but I think she goes by Lexi, judging from her Twitter name. Is naturally quiet but gets very friendly when you get her to open up. Easy to talk to. liam: Liam is my youngest cousin, I think. He was born in 2014 or 2015. I’ve never seen him, because he and his family lives in New York. I’ve only ever met his big sister. :( lilly: This girl I was classmates with for a journ elective. I found her to be verrrrry pretty and she had the biggest, most piercing eyes; until I found out that she was one of those die-hard Catholics who are vehemently pro-life. She once defended a fraternity whose members were confirmed to be misogynist, sexist, racist, homophobic and transphobic pieces of shit in a leaked groupchat simply because she believes in ‘forgiveness.’ She caused another ruckus two weeks ago when she made known her pro-life views well known. I wanna unfriend her ass so bad but she just keeps making all the wrong opinions that I just wanna stay and watch her get schooled by my less-than-thrilled college mates hahaha. lina liz: If I remember correctly, there was an Elizabeth from my wrestling fandom who went by Liz. She lives somewhere in the UK, had reddish hair, and was in love with John Cena lmao. She would sometimes make edits too. loren: Other than the Lauren I mentioned in the previous survey, I also had a friend named Lauren from the Tumblr wrestling community too. She was one of the first friends I made. She was two years older than me, fancied Andy Samberg earlier than anyone else, had a cool room, was obsessed with cats, and loved tie-dye stuff. lydia lyndsey lynnette macaila mack: JM’s dad goes by Mackey, if that counts hahahaha. He’s a lawyer and a college professor. mckenzi macey: I went to high school with a Macy and now she’s in college with me too. She used to study in UPLB but moved to Diliman after a year, since she always planned to take up journalism (she didn’t pass the cutoff initially, so she had to stay in LB for a year before she moved). I was very close with her throughout high school, but idk, she’s just never been in a good place mentally so our friendship is very up-down-up-down. I tried to reconnect when we were reunited in college, but she’s found her crowd now so I’m happy for her nonetheless.

There’s also a Macy in my org who worked under my committee for a year before she moved to finance. Quiet girl but was always nice to everyone. She’s also graduating this semester :( maddie madison margo: Went to elementary school with a Margo but she preferred to spell it as Margauxe lmao. We became close for a while because we rode the school bus together and she would lend me the other half of her earbuds so we can listen to Ashley Tisdale’s Headstong and Vanessa Hudgens’ V every day (this was when High School Musical was peak popular). She sort of had a tumultuous family life here until she moved to Hawaii a few years ago. I think she may have moved to California now too. maria: Again, this is like the base name for like half of all Filipina girls. It’s so common that it’s just simply shortened to ‘Ma.’ because everyone knows what it stands for. marina marisa: Kayla’s middle name is Marissa. marquis mary: Macy’s first name is Mary. mathew: I know a bunch of Matthews from both high school and college but they all go by Matt. The one I remember the most is Matthew from another high school friend group who was close with my group. Our group was invited to their Christmas party, and they had a gimmick that each member of their group was gonna be paired with someone from ours, and it was gonna be a costume party. I was paired up with Matthew (but they called him Cho), but I never went to the party so I never got to meet him. I’m sure he’s nice, though. matt: See Mathew. maura mechelle: I have an orgmate named Michelle. She’s clumsy, kinda awkward, but she does it in a very cute way and we all love her because she’s so funny haha. She passed the toughest med school program in the COUNTRY but chose journ in the end. Is the most Chinese Chinese-Filipino girl I know. megan: I know someone whose middle name is Megan but she goes by a different name. melissa: Hahahahaha. I knew a Melissa all right. Freeloader. meredith mersadies micah: I was classmates and friends with a Micah in grade school. My parents and hers were close, so we became close too. She was very smart but I remember her to be deathly afraid of walking on beams when we had to do it in PE. She moved schools in the fifth grade, and she studies in UST now. michael: His full name is Michael, but Mike is a guy I almost went out with in high school. Wasn’t really attracted to him, but he’s like super smart so it was a huge plus point for me lol. I also have an orgmate named Michael but we all call him Elis. He’s unreliable. miranda: If surnames count, Gabie’s best friend’s last name is this haha. molly monica: Some girl who went to my old school but transferred schools early on, like in 2nd or 3rd grade. She was Gabie’s childhood friend though so I still hear from her from time to time. She’s in UP now too, but I don’t know what course she’s taking. morgan nashid natasha: I went to high school with a girl named Natasha, but she goes by Tashie. Huge girl and a beast at softball. Can be a big softie but she has weird mood swings too (and when she’s mad, she’s quite violent) so I just tried not to piss her off while we were still in school together lol. nate: Yeah he’s in the same college as me but I know zilch about him other than he’s supposed to be really good in making films. nathan neema nichole: Annoying younger busmate who graduated high school this year. nick: Nick is the codename I gave to one of my first crushes. Obviously not his legit name so I don’t think this counts. nicholas olivia paige preasia preme prisilla: When I was still applying for AIESEC, Priscilla was assigned as one of my groupmates. I was originally iffy because she didn’t get online to work until like 11 PM, but when I did see her start working, she was a GODDAMN BEAST. Amazing. Did everything I assigned to her. When I met her in person the next day, she spoke very well and was very put-together. My respect for her soared even more after that. I dropped my application soon after for unrelated reasons but it was a pleasure working with her. Last I heard, she’s a councilor-elect in her local college’s student council. rachel: My math teacher in Grade 1 was a Rachel. I don’t remember her at all, except for the fact that when she found our class noisy one day, she completely stopped talking and mimed everything for the rest of the 45-minute period. raheim raven: Creepy, weird dude from my org who’s always looking for a dick to suck. I’m not even trying to insult him, he’s just perpetually thirsty and makes sure the whole world knows it for some reason. ray renee: Sweet, intelligent, hilarious girl from my high school. She’s very makwela, which in English means zany/funny. Her dad is a national basketball coach so it’s no surprise she followed in his footsteps. richard riley rita: Sweet, sweet girl from my org. We all just kinda naturally flock to protect her from bad influences or creepy people because she just has such a sweet soul. She’s my successor VP in my committee. robby: I have an Uncle Rob, but he doesn’t go by Robby. He’s the husband of my aunt (my mom’s cousin). He’s from New Zealand and has a Masters or a PhD in film theory, I don’t actually remember which. ryan: I used to see him a lot at a relative’s house until I was like 8. I’ve never seen him since and don’t actually know how he’s related to us or me lmfao. sabrina samantha: I have a younger cousin named Samantha. Sam was born and raised in New York but visited the Philippines last year and I was primarily in charge of taking care of her. She’s just the cutest darling I’ve seen and has the most perfect accent ahuhuhuhuhuhu. She likes My Little Pony. sara sarica sean: Someone from a lower batch in high school has this name. I never knew her but we follow each other on Twitter loooooool. secilia seliena: My older cousin’s first name is Selina but she goes by her second name, Bianca or Bia for short. We were inseperable as kids but we grew shyer as we grew older :( shannon shauna: Gabie’s orgmate. That’s all I know. She liked my tweets in the past but that’s the most contact we’ve made. shayna shelby sherry seirra skylar spencer steven stevey susan: I have an Aunt Susan. She took care of me my whole childhood; fed me, gave me baths, all that stuff when my mom was too busy with work. She got run over by a hit-and-run motorcycle when I was 9 and she was never the same after. She was crankier and had violent outbursts. tamara: I went to school with a Tamara; her nickname was Tammy. She was a gentle giant; like she was a naturally big girl but was very soft-spoken and SUPER shy. We got close for a while in 4th grade but her paths differed not long after. tashryha taylor tayshaun terrell tiffany: I had a batchmate named Tiffany. She was kinda mean in grade school but got nicer as we got older. I never really got the chance to know her well. tori trevor trisha: Another high school batchmate. All I remember was that she would cheat on tests by changing her wrong answers when the teachers would give our results back so they could correct it for her. Also a big Justin Bieber fan lol. trista tylik vanessa: There was a Vanessa in an older HS batch but she went by Via; she just graduated college yesterday but that’s all I know. There’s also a Vanessa in my sister’s HS batch; she’s half-German and that’s also all I know. victoria: Some girl I had a class with was named Victoria but it’s her middle name; we all called her Kristine. wally will wyatt zach: Another guy from the wrestling group I was in. He was one of the older dudes so I was more scared of him than the rest. zachary: Same answer as Zach. I think this was his whole name. zoey

lONG QUIZ

(btw i edited this so i could report on tumblr and dev art i will leave a link to the dev art one right here ;https://www.deviantart.com/cloakedeclips-qp/journal/LONG-QUIZ-773977454?ga_submit_new=10%3A1543101824 ) 

time started 5:00pm 1. Name : KRW 2. Nickname(s) : luecus 3. Gender: male 4. When do you feel best (morning, afternoon, night) 5. Are you talkative? : yes 6. Tend to find fault with others : no 7. Does a thorough job : yes 8. Is depressed : extreamly and crippling i have a darkness inside me 9. Is relaxed and handles stress well : sometimes depends on my emotional and mental state 10. Is curious about lots of different things : yes ocean space animals you name it 11. Is full of energy : yes absolutely i love to be energized 12. Starts fights with others : if you piss me off 13. Worries a lot : yes 14. Is lazy :no 15. Cold or Hot? 16. Light or Dark? 17: Sweet or Salty? 18. Coke or Lemonade? 19. Candy in Popcorn? 20. Loud or Quiet? 21. Fast or Slow? 22. Soft or Hard :3? 23. Easy or Difficult? 24. Shiny or Sparkly? 25. Vampires or Werewolves? 26. Puppies or Kittens: 27: Rain or Shine? 28: Country or City? 29: France or Fiji? 30. Hamburger or Hot dog? 31. Palm tree or Weeping Willow? 32. Dancing or Painting? 33. Story writing or Reporters Writing? 34. TV or Computer? 35. Face book or MySpace? 36. Windows or Mac? 37. Paint (program) or Photoshop? 38. Bases or Normal Computer Drawing? 39. Computer Drawing or Freehand? 40. Colour or Black and White? 41. :la: or :meow: ? 42.  Anime or Manga? 42. Have a Diary? yes but thats my secret  43. Have a stuffed toy? To be exsact 192+ 44. Used to have one? still 45. What was / is it? hu 46. Have a pet? 2 47. What is/are they/it ? dog and a rtabbit 48. Have an instrument? lost intrest in it and slowly stopped playing 49. Do you have a piggy bank (any shape) ? no 50. Do you own more than 5 computer games? a lot 51. Do you know who Zelda is? no 52. Do you have an ipod or mp3 or CD player? yes 53. Do you have a gaming console? yes ps4 ps3 3ds and a phone 54. Do you have a bookcase? no 55. Do you own a novelty item, e.g. hannah montana gum boots, spongebob umbrella? yes 56. Can you knit? bearly 57. Can you crochet? no 58. Can you sew? i do a crappy job but i try 59. Can you do the can can? what is that 60. Can you play more than one instrument (including vocal training)? yes 61. Can you whistle? yes 62. Can you curl your tongue?no 63. Can you click your fingers? snapping? yes 64. Can you touch type? yes 65. Can you eat chilli? no 66. Can you read books with more than 600 pages? yes 67. Can you crack your knuckles? no and you shoudlnt do that 68. Can you crack your neck? no 69. Can you crack your toes? no 70. Can you crack your fingers?no 71. Can you do the moon walk? yes i love to 72. Can you eat snails? once 73. Can you cook? WIFE MATERAL BITCHES 74. Can you sing? yes i love to sing but i'm stage fright 75. Can you dance? yes 76. Can you talk in chipmunk?no 77. Can you raise your eyebrows? yes 78. Can you raise one eyebrow? idk 79. Can you sing the song banana phone? no 80. Can you eat mayonnaise straight out of the jar? NO 81. Do you like pickles? no 82. Do you like pie? cirtian kinds lemon blackberry and blueberry 83. Do you like mayonnaise? under some circumstances 84. Do you like tomato sauce? yes 85. Do you like candy floss? yes 86. Do you like pumpkin? i love it both carving and eating 87. Do you like asparagus? no 88. Do you like brussel sprouts? never tried it 89. Do you like beans? yes 90. Do you like silver beet? what? 91. Do you like carrots? yes 92. Do you like potato? yes 93. Do you like kumura (sweet potato)? I LOVE THEM WITH ALL MY HEART 94. Do you like tomatoes? no 95. Do you like apples? if made right 96. Do you like bananas? meh 97. Do you like pears? never tried 98. Do you like oranges? meh 99. Do you like mandarins?ok 100. Do you like strawberries? love (SORRY ABOUT SKIPPING 11 HERE) 111. Do you like blueberries? yes 112. Do you like blackberries? yes 113. Do you like peaches? yes 114. Do you like raspberries? yes 115. Do you like nectarines? never tried 116. Do you like music? 117. Do you like classical music? 118. Do you like rock music? 119. Do you like pop music? 120. Do you like rap music? 121. Do you like hip hop music? 122. Do you like techno music? 123. Do you like writing? 124. Do you like reading? 125. Do you like art? 116-125 just to all this i love them all and they are my passion 1. Do you like dancing? not in public 2. Do you like ipods and mp3s? yes 3. Do you like animals? i want to be a zoolagist 4. Do you like wild animals or domestic? both 5. What's your favourite genre of music? .... depression 6. What's your favourite genre of book? horror 7. What's your favourite food? anything from mcdonolds 8. What's your favourite candy? mint 9. What's your favourite book? fahrenheit 451 10. What's your favourite animal? bear 11. What's your favourite season? winter 12. What's your favourite song? Her Last Words - Courtney Parker 13. What's your favourite music composer? none 14. What's your favourite band? none 15. What's your favourite subject? math 16. What's your favourite job? owing a restaurant/bakery 17. What's your favourite career? food truck 18. What's your favourite number? 5 19. What's your favourite day? monday 20. What's your favourite time? midnight/noon 21. What's your favourite breakfast? eggs 22. What's your favourite lunch? pb&j 23. What's your favourite dinner? chickenstrips/steak 24. What's your favourite place to have a date? home 25. What's your favourite website?.... skip 26. What's your favourite shape? cresent 27. What's your favourite colour? purple 28. What's your favourite pattern? plad 29. What's your favourite quote? "there are no mistakes there are just lessons" 30. What's your favourite artist? none 31. What's your favourite author? none 32. What's your favourite outfit? sweaters 33. What's your favourite computer game? anything on nick.com 34. What's your favourite gaming console? play station 35. What's your favourite place to be? home 36. What's your favourite thing to do? be with the ones i care about 37. What's your favourite movie? currently mirrors 38. What's your favourite actor? adam sandler 39. What's your favourite actress? ariana grande 40. What's your favourite movie snack? soda 41. What's your favourite place to watch movies? loudonville theater 42. What's your favourite accessory? bracelt 43. What's your favourite art material to use? pencil 44. What's your favourite place to work on your art? computer desk 45. What's your favourite drink? sprite zero 46. What's your favourite flavour? zero carbs 47. What's your favourite eye colour? grey or purple 48. What's your favourite hair colour? blode :3 49. How many fillings do you have? no 50. How many times have you brushed your teeth today? 2 51. How many followers/Deviations do you have? Deviations: 22 followers: 86 52. How many page views do you have? idk 53. How many people have favourited your work? can't count 54. How many favourites do you have? tumblr: 1,589 dev art: 2,646 55. How many journal entries have you done? 3 56. How many bookmarks (computer) do you have? 47 57. How many things are on your desktop? .... not even ganna try to count 58. What is your desktop picture right now? my dog 59. What is your screen saver of? don't have one 60. What time is it? 5:49 61. What is your computers hard drive called? no clue 62. What's the name of the nearest book to you? twas the night before chrismas 63. Where are you right now? home 64. What was the last movie you watched called? the meg 65. What have you got planned for tomorrow? nothing 66. What are you wearing? shorts and a shirt 67. How many quizzes are in your journal? none? 68. Do you like doing quizzes? yes 69. Why are you doing this quiz? no reson 70. Favourite emote goes here : 🙃 upside down smiley  71. Favourite plz account goes here : no 72. Link to your best picture : no 73. First word that comes to mind? hi 74. What day is it? saturday, november 24, 2018 75. What day is your birthday? march 1st 76. How many days till your birthday? no clue 77. What do you want for a present? a playstation store card 78. What's the best thing you own? my phone 79. What stereotype are you? e.g. nerd, prep, jock, goth : gay 80. What's your favourite word? kohai 81. Why? why not 82. Do you have a cell phone? yes 83. How many contacts do you have? thats personal 84. What is your screen saver on your phone of? stars 85. What games are on you phone? all sorts 86. Is there something important you should be doing while you're doing this test?  no 87. Do you wish this quiz would end? meh its ok 88. Do you have an internet diary? yes 89. Are your nails painted? no i bite them constaly 90. Do you have highlights? no 91. Smoke? me 92. Have a disorder? yes 93. Have drugs? no 94. What did you do yesterday? talk to my boyfrined 95. Do you think anyone who watches/follows you has read this far?  not really i don't really care 96. How many people watch/follow you? i already answered this 97. The first person to watch/follow you was : tumblr: cheexbot devart: no clue 98. Second? tumblr: loverpod153 99. Third?  tumblr: emeraldthefox 100. Fourth? tumblr: teddy-frequency 101. Why are you on deviant art/tumblr? why are you here 102. When did you first start? i don't really know i got both my accouts when  i was about 12 or 13 so idk 103. What's your personal quote? "i've tried to die before and failed and then i realixed i was dead this whole time 104. Operating system? what 105. Hero? ANDREW~SENPAI 106. Favourite cartoon character? spongegog 107. Book character? guy montag from fahrenheit 451 108. Movie character? hmm no clue 109. Pick up the book next to you, page 26, line 8?  can't 110. What do you do in your spare time? this 111. What's your favourite TV show? spongebob 112. I like long quizzes... do you? i'm doing this aren't i 113. Best friend/s? hmm andrew 114. Have you started a deviant art/tumbr family? yes 115. Are you going to? YES I AM 116. Do you even know what that is? not really but thats what makes it fun 117. Has at least one of these questions confused you? yes 118. What season is it? winter going into fall 119. What month is it? november 120. What day is it? saturday 121. What year is it? 2018 122. What species are you? a disgusting specied that destroies everything they need 123. If you were a mythical creature you'd be: diclonius 124. If you were a drink you'd be: sprite zero 125. If you were an object you'd be: a gigabyte 126. If you were a book you'd be: idk 127. If you were a movie you'd be: oculous 128. Are you bored? no 129. What was the last thing you celebrated? thanks giving 130. What was the last thing you posted on deviant art/tumbr ? tumblr: http://lexx-the-nyctofriend.tumblr.com/post/180454801540/when-you-fall-in-love-you-realize-just-how dev art: https://www.deviantart.com/cloakedeclips-qp/art/andrew-773281885 131. Do you do anything for deviant art/tumblr literature? yes 132. Are you a llama trader? kinda 133. Llama trade? maybe 134. How many points do you have? no clue 135. Do you have a donation pool open? no 136. Do you buy your points? no 137. Do you buy art off deviant art/tumblr? no 138. Do you have a premium membership? no 139. Do you have deviant wear? no 140. Are you planning to get a premium membership? no 141. Saving up? no 142. Requests open? allways 143. Art trades? maybe 144. Collabs? yes 145. Commissions? no 146. You you have a skype or IM? yes 147. Online names you've used? lexx/cloaked eclips 148. On your computer what's your user name? guest 149. Are your pillows feather pillows? mix 150. Ever had a pillow fight? yes 151. Are you athletic? kinda 152. Do you do any sports? yes 153. Are you allergic to anything? plants 154. Do you like to try new things? yes 155. Are you planning to enter the most recent deviant art competition? no 156. Do you have a guilty pleasure? ..... yes 157. What is it? come closer closer *whispers* no 158. Your favourite computer font is? none 159. Your favourite word processor? word 160. Do you wear jewellery? yes 161. Do you wear make up? maybe 162. Are you obsessed about what you look like? yes but in a bad way 163. How many accounts do you have on deviant art/tumblr? dev art: 1 tumblr: 5 164. Do you have any posters in your room? a fnaf poster 165. Do you share your bedroom with anyone? no 166. Do you have your walls wallpapered or painted? i want to 167. What colour / pattern are they? umm none 168. Name of book next to you? allready did that 169. Do you have birthday parties? yes 170. What's something weird about you?.... i will dive into that if i get suppot on this post 171. What are your initials? HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHA no 172. Do you have braces? want to 173. Skin colour? browm 174. Glasses/Contacts? 175. Tattoos?i want to get 3 176. Mannerisms? hehehe i have a lot of those 177. Piercings? plan to get them 178. Do you have a birthmark?  a bunch of dark brown dots on my chest 179. What's your favourite thing for breakfast? eggs 180. What's your favourite website? meh 181. Do you have a crush on someone? yes 182. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?yes 183. Do you have a secret talent? i can type fast 184. Can you sing the alphabet backwards? no 185. Can you eat a whole pizza? yes about to right noe 186. Can you speak any different languages? i want to learn russian 187. Have you won something at the lottery?  no 188. Ran away? tried 189. Solved a rubix cube? HELL NO 190. Gone out in public in your pj's? multiple times 191. Seen a shooting star? yes 192. Had surgery? yes 193. Gotten lost? yes 194. Broken a bone? yes 195. Been to disney land? no (fuck you jeremiah) 196. Been arrested? no 197. Been to any other countries? yes 198. You are annoyed by? people 199. Your are tired of? people 200. You will always? be shy and weird 201. What country do you live in? usa 202. Do you think you are popular? kinds 203. Are you an only child? yes 204. Who are you gonna tag? @teddy-frequency @myfnafstory @lexyconn @wholesome-bear @shtlordhalo 205. TIME FINISHED QUIZ: 6:20 206. How long quiz took you: 50:00.022 blank: https://www.deviantart.com/gem-313-gem/art/The-GIANT-Quiz-170514475 and for those who don’t have a dev art do what i did and edit it so it can for your needs i hope thats not too much to ask  More will be added to this quiz :D
🙃

hi everyone! i’ve been dealing with depression since may 2017. though everyone here on the studyblr community seems to be well intentioned when it comes to advise on mental health, i noticed that a lot of people feel uncomfortable, knowing that a significant part of them may not have ever experienced any kind of mental illness – note that i used the term ‘uncomfortable’, not ‘angry’. sure drinking water is important, but how is that going to help me, mentally? 

you see, i got no other knowledge about the subject than my own experiences, conversations with doctors and basic research. i can’t guarantee any of this will be helpful to you, but i can share what i’ve been passing through and try to reach a more equal level to those who are also dealing with mental illness and school. here are some things to note:

settling a time for taking medicine

this one can sound just as silly as drinking water, though it’s very important to the right functioning of the medicine you’re taking. it’s simple chemistry and you’ll find better results by doing that. your doctor will advise you to do so, then listen to all of their reccomendations

ok, so you’re taking medicine and has settled a time for doing it, great! now, you should turn it into a task. write it down on your journal, programme a phone alarm, or even find an app for this, so you won’t skip the correct time for doing it

however, you’re probably going to skip time for one day or another, and it’s absolutely ok, since it doesn’t become something frequent!

sleeping

well, sleeping is a quite complicated one: apparenty, depression can make you wether sleep too much or not sleep at all, and that’s s my case. i would wake up every night and spend 40-50 min awake. it took me 5 different pills until i found the one that made my sleep enough and regenerating again

report your sleeping problems to your doctor. sleeping medicine can lead your mind to some weird dreams, as it’s done to me, and your doctor will know how to handle this

doing stuff you like

depression is well known for making people uncapable of doing all the things they once were passionate about. i know. however, you have to keep in mind that you’re now starting a new phase, the getting better phase, now that you’ve been taking medicine and seeing the doctor. in time, maybe the day you start taking medicine or maybe not so early, you’ll return to do what gives you pleasure

make sure that your hobby doesn’t feel like an obligation and happens spontaneously 

maybe you don’t have a hobby, a hobby that feels like the stereotypical ones, like drawing, singing or playing tennis, and that’s alright: find something you do without any blame and stick to it 

studying for exams

this can be a great oportunity for you to try new studying methods. depression injuries your academic productivity, and by the end of the semester the only you wish is your school year to be over; then all you want is your notes to be efective

there are tons of study tips for your here on tumblr. don’t be afraid of trying a new note taking system or doing those vocabulary things that are so popular here

i know it doesn’t feel like the correct time for experimenting; you have to make it to the next year and shouldn’t get too excited planning what you’re gonna do, and then end up in a mess bigger than before. i have this thoughts frequently. but, during my last exams seasion, i was just so tired!!! i didn’t read every book, didn’t take revision notes that covered up everything in detail, but what i did felt effective

trust me, neither you nor these people on studyblr community can study everything to their 100%, even if they are mentally healthy. that’s impossible, so don’t push yourself too hard

receiving exams results

well, you can probably guess that this is about receiving bad results. good grades need no preparation for, in contrast to bad ones… erm, but we have to cover them up: your effort may not work. you may fail some subjects. it is a possibility, and it doesn’t mean that you should’ve done more or that it’s just a big picture that represents how you were never able to develop studying skills – sorry! i have these thoughts

you can always work on prevention. prevention from failing and prevention from feeling completely helpless if you do

letting your school know

you should consider letting your school teachers and headmaster know about your condition. this way, they’ll get to understand your lack of motivation and the occurrent classes that you’ve been skipping or simply away from

you can also get the chance to take tests at home or separately from the others, if that’s how you wish to

getting a legal absence

you can get a legal absence from school, if you understand that you’ll feel better at home. i decided it was the best for me to do and had my parents, doctors and school supporting my decision. if this is something that often cross your mind, make sure you have thought it through, then you’ll have to deal with all the bureaucracy, but hopefully it won’t take too long

final considerations

keeping a journal

the day i started taking medicine, i decided i would start a journal to monitor my feelings and simply write down moments or things i’d like to remember later on. both my psychologist and psychiatrist supported my idea. maybe you could enjoy doing so, or going for the things i did well today challenge

treating yourself

it can be a hobby. we all know how life is busy. if you just can find an hour when you can enjoy your body lotions, do some skin care or simply wash your hair, then lucky you are

though depression can depravate your want to do some of the self caring, you could find a way to reanimate these habits, when you do it only in order to take care of your well-being

starting a studyblr, studygram or a studytube

i believe that this one leads to two possibilities: wether you’ll feel motivated or pressured to study and recover your loss. if, analysing the whole situation, you understand that the former suits you, then you already know what to do

however, if you think that that studying strategy will be overwhelming, maybe you should keep yourself in touch with study tips and all of this stuff through the tags: study motivation, studyblr, studyspo, study notes

and here are my favourite studyblrs: @studyquill, @birdkostudies, @studyign, @studyrose, @ploverstudies, @determinationandcaffeine, @delthenerd, @noodledesk

hobbies during bad days

i’m so glad i’ve got my hobbies to use them in my favour! they can feel pretty productive when i can’t function to the productivity patterns. my psychiatrist recommended me not to pin them to my weekly activities, so i wouldn’t have to worry about them. maybe this strategy suits you as well

i believe this is pretty much everything for now. ahhhh please let me know if any of this sounds helpful and thank you very much for reading!!! 

wishing you the very best on earth!!!

Reflection: the end?

It is crazy to think back to the beginning of this quarter and see how far we’ve all come as individuals and as a group. I still remember seeing everyone for the first time in front of Tom Bradley. I was four minutes late, and I remember seeing a bunch of faces turn as I sprinted over to join the circle. I was shy, I was overwhelmed by all the amazing individuals that stood before me, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Seeing such a large group as well scared me, I started to overthink, how is our group dynamic going to be like, am i going to make friends, will they like me? All these questions ran through my head.

Fast forward to today, right now after finally removing the cream out of my hair, I am in bed typing this at 2 in the morning and I can say that I am truly content. I am so grateful that I have found a family that I feel so comfortable being around. I feel like since coming to UCLA I really struggled with finding a tight-knit group of friends, a lot of the friendships I was making here felt fragile and tentative. After all these weeks of getting to know each and everyone of you, including the actives and the PMs through interviews, I can say with clarity that I am so happy with where I am now. 

@tamlynsasaki honestly from the moment we talked in front of tom bradley and then having you by my side in the car during i-night, I knew we would get along. I love you for being so understanding and for being someone that I can always talk to about long distance relationships and problems I am facing. 

@micheleshi my JPPPP! I am so happy we got paired together. Your radiant personality literally lights up my day and I always feel super happy and can’t help smiling when I am with you! Thanks for always having my back and for being so patient with my last minuteness. I love you very much!

@han-hannah HANNAH! You are one of the sweetest people ever. You are so genuine and kind and caring and hardworking and honestly just someone I look up to! You put your all into what you do and thank you for taking such detailed notes during monday meetings, we really couldn’t have done it without you. I love you!

@jtran9816 JACKIE! I’m so glad that we’ve gotten to talk more! Your facial expressions are 10/10 and you are so sweet for reading my rants on tumblr and actually privately messaging me about it to see how I am doing. Thank you for reaching out and I appreciate you so much <3 <3 ILY

@tranyconnie CONNAAYYY CONNIFER CONCON tbh I was lowkey intimidated by you at first because you seemed so confident and good and dancing and ahh! I am so glad that I got to joke around with you/drink/talk to you to realize you are super chill and ilysm 

@andyaliao​ andy i literally love you so much! from the moment I first met you I wanted to b your friend because you are so genuine and sweet and easy to talk to! I feel like I can really talk to you about anything and you are so understanding and nice about it! Love you forever <3

@brigittephung22​ brigitteeee literally I knew no one when I was rushing so it was nice when we talked because I was like omg yay im making friends! You were so sweet and easy to talk to! I really loved talking to you about relationships during scavenger hunt and i look forward to more talks like that hehehe love you!

(i realized this is a bad idea omg theres 17 other people omg omg ok im going to finish this)

@ryanneis​ RYANNN! tbh I was so shy in the beginning and your jokes that were LOWKEY RUDE jk actually made me feel like I was more apart of the APPLEGRANDMAZ and it made me more comfortable to be myself and open up! Honestly thank you for that and you will forever be my miming partner so don’t you go miming with anyone else im watching you like a halk

@nguyenevonne​ omg when you sent me the text apologizing for making jokes that might come across as offensive i was like GIRL NO! literally it made me feel more comfortable actually because I was kinda shy in the beginningggg so thank you!!! I LOVE YOU and honestly everytime I see you and hug you I feel so much better. You also crack me up so much ilysm

@ngkatelyn​ KATELYNNNNN! Honestly i rmb talking to you during that speed circle rotating thing in front of tom bradley and I was like omg this girl is so social and easy to talk to and cool I want to be friends with her! Lol! You are so easy to talk to ilyy

@heyyyson​ hayson!! I enjoy reading your tumblr posts a lot! You always have so much to say and a lot on your mind and I love that you are not afraid to share it. I feel like it is so easy to talk to you and you give great advice. Thanks for being there even if it was brief after lock in, I felt so much better <3 LOVE U

@jonathantnguyen​ JONATHANN! My president! Thank youu for always checking up on me and seeing how I’m doing! You always keep me on track and honestly you are so unfazed by all the sickness/disease/shit that gets thrown onto you and it is really inspiring to see that. one day at a timeee love you!

@leeeaannewooong​ leeeeaannnneee!! my person-that-stands-next-to-me-every-meeting! ILY! Thank you for always checking to see if im ok after each roast i honestly feel so much better:) You are also so on top of your shit and organized and is definitely someone i look up to! Thank you for being you and ilysmmm

@jackeytang​ jackeyyyyyy! You are one of the people i rmb during rush because you were super social and always had something to say! ALthough you don’t show affection very much I can see through your actions how much you care about us and how we are doing and ily so much for that. Also love your dark/twisted-ish humorrr :) :)

@gabrielsalazar​ GABEE the man!!! You crack me up so much omg when you first spelt camaraderie wrong and said it so confidently i squeezed your hand because I couldn’t stop laughing. Everytime you mention public speaking I also laugh sorry:D I love you for being someone I can always have a good time with <3

@heavenhumphreys​ heavennnn sorry for drawing demon claws on your shirt but i luv u gurlll thanks for always hyping me up even though we both know I can’t dance :D Ily and girl you chugging that tequila you should be the one with tequila in your name not mee :D You’re always so confident and you’re a natural leader that makes sure we actually get shit done so thank you for that <3

@dlam79​ DANGGG! LOL my partner for the PAC appreciation eventtt lol we were both so stressed and freaking outt. Thank youu for doing a lot of the work and being so patient and accomodating because of my freaking midterms. You are so on top of your shit, without you i would’ve died lolz also i love your sass and attitude and for putting up with my mess hehe ilysm <3

so uh i think this turned more into an appreciation post than a reflection...but honestly I wouldn’t be who I am now without you guys! even though pledge quarter is almost over we are still going to spend time tgt okkk. I feel like through this quarter the most valuable thing I gained was friendship <3 Apple grandmas for life!!!

Also my title may be misleading but i can say with certainty THIS IS NOT THE END THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING as cheesy as that sounds. Also I lowkey like writing these tumblr posts...im kinda inspired to like keep a daily journal or something. It’s pretty cool to look back and recall what you did :)) OK GOODNIGHT EVERYONE!

Survey says...

Ok, time for a little (jk, intensely long) debrief on the survey results.

I’m glad you guys like the writing-to-art balance I have going right now.  I’m gonna keep it up.

I’m glad you’re cool with the life updates too.  I’ll keep up the surface level/important stuff kind of posts I’m doing now.  If you want more detailed mouthing off/journal-style meditations on my life (mainly my transition), you can follow my sideblog @my-wayward-son.

I had a feeling most of you were here for the fanfic, but there’s a solid number here for the OCs as well.  That’s awesome.

Your favorite OC group is Casa Deangles-Carson.  They come out way on top, and everyone else is pretty equal in terms of popularity.  I’m loosely organizing an arc for them, but I don’t have a ton of ideas.  I plan on rotating groups and churning out about 1 OC fic per week.  I have longer arcs planned for H and P (ofc, they’re still pregnant) and Jax Beach.

I’m pleasantly surprised you guys like the slice of life fics so much, and that helps a lot with moving the characters forward.  Sickfics are my fave too, but there’s a different kind of character development that can happen without whump as a factor.

You guys are split pretty equally about whether you’d enjoy a Troy backstory novel.  A lot of you are undecided, and I’ll poll you again when it gets closer to November.  I’m tentatively thinking I’ll split the difference and go ahead and take the time off to work on the book, but maybe open short drabble requests on weekends to keep up my content presence (I’ll still be around for headcanons and random chatter throughout the month).  I’d probably post the finished book on AO3 once it’s done and edited, so you’ll get to enjoy the completed project for free and within a few months of completion, if that sways your thoughts at all.

You’re also split pretty evenly about introducing Kris and Khalil.  I think what I’m going to do is let them pop out a little bit more in H and P’s arc, and maybe bring them out with a solo fic and character information around December after you’ve had a chance to see them in action as side characters.

As for fanfic, Spider-Man is predictably the favorite.  You also seem to really like Stucky, Iron Man, and Daredevil (that one’s really surprising; those fics get low notes and I get very few DD prompts).

Criminal Minds has a slightly smaller but extremely loyal and vocal following, which I’m well aware of (and I’m sorry I put Spencer on the back burner so much).

Black Panther is also pretty up there, which is super awesome, and the ladies (Nat and Jess) have small yet solid popularity as well.  There’s some interest in Loki, but ngl, I have a hard time writing him, so I’m not sure how often he’ll pop up.  But if you have short drabble prompts for him, send them my way because you never know when something’s going to light a spark.

I don’t think anyone knows what Titan A.E. is, and that’s ok.  I’d flip my shit if I ever got a Cale prompt (but I’d looove it).

I’m going to keep up mostly the status quo in terms of content and themes (it’s what you guys seem to like, and it’s what I like).  So that means a lot of emeto, some fevers and other illness, migraines, motion sickness, and angst/depression take center stage with some injury and other mental health/ED stuff on the side.

RE: writing eating disorders, I figured there were a good number of you who don’t prefer that content.  I totally respect that, and I realize I’m taking a risk when writing it.  It’s a pretty big part of the canon for some of my OCs and fandom characters in the ‘verses I’ve created, so I’m going to keep writing it.  I’m hoping that as it becomes less of a pressing issue for me personally it will kind of fall off the list of things at the forefront of my mind and therefore maybe show up a little less in my fics?  That’s one we’ll have to feel out.

RE: writing depression, I got several responses saying you like it, and a couple saying you don’t like it.  I personally like writing it (but it’s also a big issue for me, so it may be on or off my radar depending on how I’m feeling).  I’ll always be sure to tag it and/or put a warning at the top so you can avoid it if you want to.

As for other content you don’t like so much, if you ever really want me to avoid a topic, don’t be afraid to call it out in a prompt (such as specifying you want to see illness without emeto, or you want the person to be sick at home only).  That said, though, I write whatever comes into my head, and it's primarily either angst, emeto, or both.  As far as hurt/comfort goes, I prefer way more hurt than comfort, and I’m a little picky about which characters I like to use as whumpee and caretaker.  I realize I fall into ruts, but that’s also just how I roll.

If I filled a prompt for you and you weren’t satisfied, I’d love to take the (private, non-confrontational) constructive criticism.  You’re not going to change how I write, but I’d still like to know.  If you’d like to provide input to a requested fic during the writing/editing process, I do take commissions ($1 per 100 words), so if you’re looking for me to write something extremely comfort-heavy or otherwise different from the norm, this would be the route to take.

You guys are very interested in Starbucks Sundays, so that’ll be a go for sure.  I’ll let you know my schedule as it rolls, but I’m looking at something like 1 or 2 in the afternoon to about 5ish (US Mountain Time [-7]) on most Sundays, starting TODAY (in like an hour).  That would make it afternoon in most of North America and late evening in most of Europe, so I think I could hit availability with a lot of time zones.  There will be a few weeks here and there that I’m busy with other things, but this is looking like a solid addition to my schedule.

For the holiday mailing, that’s another pretty even split.  I’ll poll you again when it gets closer, but here are a few clarifications: you would not be required to use a real name, though cards would have to be sent to a real physical address or PO Box.  It would be open internationally, though the post might be slow.  I would not keep your address on file.  It would be deleted as soon as it’s written on the envelope.  Custom cards have to be purchased with a minimum of 15, so if I knew I had at least 15 interested people, I’d do it.

To the few of you who have said you’re too shy to reach out to me, I 100% understand the anxiety (I still feel it sometimes, and when I was a Tumblr noob I was way too scared to talk to a lot of people).  I admit I’m kind of awkward on chat during the getting-to-know-you phase, but I love hearing from you through asks, submissions, chat, whatever (and as long as there’s no hate, I will always respect a desire to remain anonymous).  I know there are times when I’ve been a little frustrated, but please don’t be scared to reach out if you have something to say.

Thank you a million times over for your kind comments and compliments on my writing.  I do a lot of my writing for my own health and happiness, but your feedback really means the world.  I appreciate each and every one of you so much.

Thank you for your quick reply on German witchcraft. It's sad how many of the more popular witchcraft blogs are bashing against you? You just explain witchcraft from a certain historical point of view. I do really appreciate it! You never said any one needs to follow every line you are writing. You even said your own practice looks different. I hope you will still keep that blog going.

Thank you very much for the support. I admit that in certain moments I wanted to quit, in certain moments I found my hands shaking before the keyboard, because of the anxiety, because this environment became toxic to me. I think there are two different kinds of ways to approach others: to try to understand what they say and to try to find something wrong in what they say.If somebody is focused on the second option you can say whatever you want, they won’t change idea on you. On the contrary, they will see your explainations as justifications and dismissing, while if you say “sorry” they will understand it as a sign of the fact that you are guilty of what they accused of and that they were right in how they saw you and judged you in the first place. You just can’t do no right.This is evident even in the fact that I’m not English-native and in my Country there are not so many witchy websites or pages that talk about it, however in English-speaking blogosphere there is a great amount of informations about the Renounciation of Christianity. Let’s see for example New World Witchery - The Search for American Traditional Witchcraft: ( https://newworldwitchery.com/2010/04/22/blog-post-50-–-a-witch’s-initiation/ ) and in Tumblr even @ioqayin talked about the Renounciation in very well-written article here: https://ioqayin.tumblr.com/post/104461545876/renunciation-dedication-and-initiation . So it’s not the topic, it’s the polemic that made this topic being so controversial. Before, it wasn’t.Also, people mix together human issues and spiritual issues. If I say that for example that the Goddess Isis doesn’t like donkeys (because she says so in Apuleius’ Metamorphoses), I’m not having any moral judgement on people who owns donkeys. They are not bad people because of it. But trying to say that, seeing that there is no bad in having or being a donkey, you can bring it on a place sacred to Isis, is to mix human and spiritual issues.So, when I said that some pre-Christian Spirits didn’t like the Abrahamic god and therefore wanted people to approach them in a separate moment and it was common the renounciation of Christianity, people freaked out because they conflated a spiritual symbol (Yahweh) with the people who believe in him (Jews, Christians and Muslims). I don’t reason in this way.Just because I do not find anything bad in Jews, Christians or Muslims doesn’t mean that I can decide for the Gods about their symbols.Moreover, I just talked about symbols, not groups of people. I never said that you can’t be Jew, Christian or Muslim and approaching pre-Christian Spirits, I just said that if you do it, it’s wise to do it in a separate moment than the one in which you approach the Abrahamic god.I know that there were times in which people conflated the moments in which to approach the two kinds of entities, the Abrahamic one and pre-Abrahamic Ones, however I think it’s a subsequent evolution, and not the original way to approach them. I say this because I see that in early trials, even when there was no demonization yet of the Spirits which lead the witches, witches didn’t pronounce the name of the Abrahamic spirit during the Sabbath, for respect towards “Milady of the East” or “Madonna Oriente”.I think that, so, the conflation of the moments was subsequent.I admit that I may be wrong. It could be the opposite, that initially the moments were conflated and then they were separated and in opposition.However, I think that when we find contradictory instructions, it’s better to follow the safest one.What happens if I do not conflate them but Spirits are ok in doing it? Nothing. What happens if I conflate them but Spirits are *NOT* ok in doing it? I risk very much.I also think that seen that nowdays we have historical awareness and can decide who worship, Spirits evaluate our acts differently than how they evaluated the acts of people in which society imposed them to go to the sunday mass.That time was an emergency time. In emergency times you can do things that are judged differently if you do the same acts in normal times. If you cannibalize people in the middle of a desert island in order to survive you are judged differently than if you cannibalize people in the middle of London.This is the reason why I think that nowdays to conflate the moments is more risky than doing it in the past.However, even nowdays, I never said that Jews, Christians or Muslims can’t approach pre-Abrahamic Fairies or Spirits. I just said that it’s wise, but it’s wise for them and not for me, to approach them in separated times. What can we risk if we offend Gods? I quote from an article in Patheos, which is called “Offending Dionysus” ( http://www.patheos.com/blogs/matauryn/2017/07/13/offending-dionysus/ ):

“One of the early lessons I had as a witch was the importance of watching my words. Like most witches, I quickly learned the power behind spoken words – the ability to curse and bless myself and others with just a few simple words, almost instantly most of the time, even if I didn’t really mean what I was saying. The ability to call on gods and spirits and have them listen when I spoke also came with this power. This became so clear that I quickly learned to be extremely mindful of my words. Yet, there was a circumstance when I seemingly disregarded this for some reason. Dionysus is a god that I’ve always liked but never built a relationship with, called in ritual or really worked with. Like most young adults my age, I enjoy drinking with my friends occasionally.I’m not sure how it began, but when my friends would get together to drink and unwind I would start by cheering “Hail Dionysus!” in a very tongue-in-cheek manner and everyone would echo it. It was essentially associating Dionysus with the act of being drunk itself and just that. There was no reverence, no gratitude, no invitation for him to join us in our drinking and most of all – no libations of wine. It was sort of a joke, perhaps I thought it was cute? I’m not sure. In retrospect, I can see how disrespectful this was. We all quickly discovered the difference between saying these words before we began to drink and not saying these words. Regardless if we were drinking a ton of alcohol or if we were only having one bottle of wine among all of us – the difference was clear. It was as if the alcohol was cursed. The worse and most embarrassing aspects of ourselves would come out. It was as if we were possessed by our shadow selves completely. In the morning we would be filled with shame and try to each repair the damage done to our friendships and our relationships. Regardless of how much we would or wouldn’t drink – it was like we had all drank several bottles of hard alcohol each.However, this never ever happened if we didn’t say “Hail Dionysus”. We all saw the pattern and avoided the words as an invocation of a curse before drinking. We stopped saying the words and never really had these hazardous nights when we would drink. It seems so obvious in retrospect. There’s so many myths regarding Dionysus’ wrath, particularly at being offended or someone blaspheming his name. I think sometimes it’s easy to disregard mythology as stories lost in the past without any valid warnings or messages that apply to today. There’s also folks who say that the gods are understanding and not vengeful or angered or offended – and I think there’s a grain of truth to that to a certain degree when it comes to being understanding. I would strongly disagree that they cannot be offended. Luckily, Dionysus seems to have a sense of humor. For about two years I suddenly started receiving “Wine Spectator” magazine mailed to me. It was a mystery, as I’m very protective of my personal information and yet it kept arriving in my mailbox. Those who have my address wouldn’t waste the $60 a year to send this to me, especially when I’m not necessarily a wine snob or connoisseur. It quickly became both annoying and funny by the second year when I kept being “randomly selected for a brand new subscription renewal”. I didn’t originally connect the magazines with Dionysus, until fairly recently. I picked up the first magazine I was sent and looked at the date. I then went back through my journals and discovered it was the same month as the first time I had said “Hail Dionysus!” I began laughing to myself and realized it was time to make amends with Dionysus. I made an offering to him and apologized. I have since never received another issue of Wine Spectator magazine. I consider myself extremely lucky in retrospect to the myths of Dionysus’ wrath and the extent of the severity that it can come in. I think it’s very important to not only be conscious of your words as a witch, but also what gods you joke about, even if they’re not the ones you work with personally. They may be listening without you even realizing it.“

As the article says, “There’s so many myths regarding Dionysus’ wrath, particularly at being offended or someone blaspheming his name. I think sometimes it’s easy to disregard mythology as stories lost in the past without any valid warnings or messages that apply to today.”So, even in this case we have myths in which the pre-Christian Spirits don’t like the fact that the Abrahamic god’s name is pronounced in their presence.Yeah, there are other myths in which nothing bad happens. However, why to risk?I have been accused of hating Jews, Christians and Muslims, but it’s quite the opposite. I don’t want Jews, Christians and Muslims to be hurt or risk for engaging in behaviors I think may be risky.This is the reason why I suggest them, I advice them, not to conflate the moments. But they can do it, I’m not imposing it. I’m just trying to protect them from hurting themselves.This is not at all the marginalization of certain groups of people.Because if I believe that a certain behavior is risky, if I really hated these people, I would have suggest them to do these risky behaviors. However, I’ve done the opposite, because I don’t want them to be hurt.

Finally, I don’t want to talk about this topic, because I think that the most I talk about it, the most this polemic will continue.It would have been nothing bad in debating about something, but there were some words that made me understand that this is not a civil debate anymore.I have been accused of creating a definition that (Iquote) “attempts to be a one-size-fits-all”. I have been accused ofbeing “hypocritical” because I “codified” Traditional Witchcraft “sorigidly that entire groups of people with their own folk magical traditionscannot participate”. I have been accused of being “fundamentalist ororthodox”. I have been accused of having denied other people’s “right to callthemselves Traditional Witches”. I have been accused of having created a “realTraditional Witches’ club”.All this by distorting my words. All this by suggesting that I have said or meant things I never said or meant. When people accuse you of these things, and they accuse you even when you never said anything similar, they don’t want to debate, they just want to be said that they are right. So they are right. They have all the right. Please stop, now you’re right, what else you want from me?They don’t want to listen what you meant, because they are distorting your words in order to accomodate them to what they believe you are. If they have in mind that you are a bad person, you are a bad person even if you never said a bad thing in all your life.They have in mind Christians, Jews, marginalized groups of people… while you have in mind Spirits, respectful acts and alliances. So they just can’t debate on this ground, they don’t see this ground, they don’t see what your point is and how it’s different than what they have in mind. They have in mind politics and social fight and so they try to distort your words in order to make you talk about politics even when you’re not interested at all, and even when you separate politics from religion and spirituality.Politically I’m liberal, pro-choice, pro-LGBT, antiracist, antifascist, but I have learned that it’s good manner not to impose my political view on history and religion, and not to see political statements in acts that are apolitical and are referring to Spirits and symbols and not to people and ethnicities.

Half Blood, Whole Heart: Part 3

Pairings: Jax x Reader, sister Winchester!reader- SOA/SPN Crossover

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, angst, SPN canon death.

Word Count: 3,988

A/N: So I decided to repost my novel- the story that someone stole from my old blog and put up on Wattpad. PLEASE don’t be an asshole and steal my stories. It CRUSHED me when it happened and almost ran me off Tumblr.

Half Blood, Whole Heart Masterlist   Aesthetic by @ravenangel33

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You sat in the interrogation room, glaring at the man in front of you as he thumbed through your dad’s journal. You had been silently sitting in the cold room, handcuffed to the table for nearly two hours and the cop was not giving up.

“We know the guy you are with is Dean Winchester. Just tell us your name, sweetheart.” The man said as he looked up from the book. He rested the back of his leg on the table and you continued to sit silent, staring straight forward and swearing up a storm in your head. You knew you would get a phone call sooner or later and you were beginning the debate of calling Gemma or Jax to bail you out when the man slammed the journal shut. 

“Fine. Don’t talk. You’re friend is just about to crack anyways.” You bit the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from smiling at the mans blatant lie as he stormed out of the room. You knew without a shadow of a doubt in your mind that the only thing Dean was doing was giving the cops lip.

“I knew I should have stayed home.” You thought to yourself over the next hour you were left alone as you drummed your fingers on your knee. “Shit… I hope Sam really did wipe my Arkansas thing.” Without warning the door burst open and Dean smiled at you.

“Well look at you being all lazy, we have a case to finish.” You glared at him as he handed you a paperclip and he sat on the table with dad’s journal in his hand.

“How did you get out?” You asked as you sprung the handcuffs and stood up. Dean smiled as he looked up at you.

“Sammy called in a fake call.” You smiled and shook your head as the two of you headed out of the police station.

“Good ol’ Sam. Hey do you know if he cleared our records from Arkansas?” You asked as Dean led you to the roof and he nodded.

“Yep. Arkansas and Virginia are both cleared.”

“Oh shit! I forgot about Virginia.” You said as you climbed down the ladder on the side of the building. As your feet hit the bottom, you looked around for anyone that could be paying attention as Dean dropped down next to you.

“How could you forget about Virginia?” He asked as the two of you headed off to find a phone to call Sam and you shrugged.

“We got picked up after a salt and burn, easy to forget. Arkansas on the other had was not so easy to forget and you and dad still owe me for that.”

“I told you I was sorry a hundred times.” You brushed him off as the two of you ran across the road and you chuckled.

“Yea well Jax splitting your eyebrow was payback for that so we are even.” Dean balked and shook his head.

“No! No way! And since we are on that topic, don’t think I am even remotely close to being OK with you dating him.” You shrugged as you came to a stop at a phone booth. With a sweet smile, you pat his cheek and shook your head.

“It’s a good thing you don’t have a say in who I date then.” He huffed as he stepped into the phone booth and called Sam. You took a minute to grab the burner phone you had hidden in your boot to check the couple texts you had gotten while you were in custody as you listened to what Dean was able to figure out in the sheriff station.

Gemma -I am so excited about tomorrow night! Is everything going OK with Sam? How’s Jess?

Jax -Just checking in. Hope you’re having luck with your dad.

Jax -Happy just asked where you wanted the crow so he can draw it up tonight.

Jax -Hey… where are you, babe? I’m starting to worry.

“Dad’s not in Jericho.” Dean said. You ripped your eyes away from your phone to stare back at him as he told Sam about the coordinates. You rolled your eyes and bit your tongue as you sent a message to Jax.

-Hey baby. Sorry I disappeared- managed to get myself detained but I’m out. Dad’s not in Jericho so Dean’ll bring me home when we close this case. Sam is just about done with it. I should be home late tonight.Tell Happy across the front of my left shoulder by my collarbone. Love you!

You hit send at the same time Dean hung up the phone in a panic.

“We gotta go, now. Woman in white and she has Sam.” The two of you took off running toward the street to find a car.

“Where is she?” You asked as the two of you split up and started checking door handles.

“She’s buried behind her house. Here!” He said as he ripped open the door and you ran over to the car and got in.

“Hurry De.” You rushed as he hot-wired the car. It took him a hand full of tries before the car started. Your phone rang in your hand. You looked down and groaned as Dean pulled away from the curb. You did your best to keep the panic from your voice as you picked up Jax’s call. “Hey baby.”

“You have been gone less than 48 hours. What the fuck did you get arrested for?” He yelled. You glanced over at Dean who snorted with laughter and sighed.

“Technically I wasn’t arrested, I was…”

“I don’t want to hear technically, (Y/N). I want to know why my girlfriend was in handcuffs.” You took a deep breath and closed your eyes.

“Impersonating a U.S. Marshal and credit card fraud.”

“And a couple counts of murder.” Dean chipped in and you whipped around to glare at him as Jax growled in your ear.

“You have got to be kidding me.” Jax said and you shrugged.

“Well I got out of it and they didn’t even know my name so it’s fine, baby.”

“Finish whatever this shit is and get home tonight. You and I are gunna have a long talk about this family business of yours.” You opened your mouth to protest but Jax had already hung up the phone. Dean laughed as he raced down the highway and you looked at him.

“Shut up, Dean. This is your fault.” He looked over at you and shook his head.

“No way, Button. You could have stayed in the room with Sam.” You punched his shoulder and flopped back against the seat.

“This is why I got out. Let’s just get this shit done; I want to go home.” Dean glanced over at you.

“(Y/N), you are dating a guy in a biker gang. You are bound to have a run in with the cops there too.”

“That’s not the point, Dean. I never wanted to chase monsters. I left so I wouldn’t have to explain to the man I love that the reason I was arrested in Virginia was for grand theft auto and grave desecrations. And Arkansas where I was arrested for federal impersonation of an officer, kidnapping, bring a child that wasn’t mine over state lines, filing a false police report and grand theft auto because you and dad made me take that kid to his dad’s when his mom was bit by that werewolf.

I don’t want to have to be in a situation like today where I had to sit in an interrogation room for hours and have the mental debate on whether I needed to call Jax or Gemma to bail my ass out of jail on murder charges and then have to explain to them that I am not a murderer, I just kill things that no one believes exist for a living.”

“Yea, well we are Winchesters and that’s what we have to do. And those cases were all dropped and wiped from the system years ago.” You shook your head as Dean drove around the last bend to the old house.

“I’m half a Winchester, Dean and after tonight, I am out for good.” He looked over at you as he slid the car to a stop and the two of you jumped out of the stolen car to rescue Sam.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ride back to Charming was nearly silent after you caught Sam up on what happened and he figured out where John was. He told Dean that he, too was still out and Dean had been fuming the entire ride. As he pulled down the poorly lit the street to the SAMCRO compound, you could see Jax standing in the middle of the road, waiting.

“Call me after your interview, Sam.” You said as you grabbed the straps to your duffle. Sam kissed your cheek as you gave him a one armed hug over the seat. You paused and looked at Dean. “Dean, I love you but…”

“Yea. Don’t worry, I got it.” He snapped. With a sigh, you got out of the car and headed toward Jax. “Hey Button.” Dean called out and you turned around and looked at him over the hood of Baby. “Thanks for your help. I’m sorry.” You gave him a weak smile and nodded.

“I know De. Don’t be such a stranger anymore.” He nodded and gave you a half wave before getting back in the Impala and taking off down the street. You heard Jax sigh as he took your duffle and he pulled you into his chest.

“I can’t let you out of my sight for nothin’, can I babe?” he asked with a small laugh and you smiled as you wrapped your arms around his waist.

“Apparently, if left to my own devices I get arrested, so no.” He kissed your forehead and moved to your side. You smiled and leaned against him as the two of you headed into the club house. You said quick hello’s to the couple people that were still hanging out on a Sunday night before you headed to your room. The door had barely closed behind you before Jax sighed.

“Alright. What can you tell me?” You ran your hand through your hair as you toed your boots off and sighed.

“You’re gunna wanna sit down for this and I need you to listen with an open mind because what I’m about to tell you is going to seem like an absolute lie.” Jax nodded as he lit two cigarettes and the two of you sat down on the bed. You took a long drag to figure out where to start and with another sigh, you started from Mary and told him everything.

Jax didn’t say a single word the entire time you spoke but you shared everything. Every case you could think of, every arrest you had had. You spared no details. Just as you were finishing up, your phone rang. You ignored the first call but when it rang once more, you dug through your bag to find it. You only glanced at the screen for a moment before you answered Dean’s call.

“De, not a good ti…”

“Are you and Jax OK?” Dean shouted over you and you frowned.

“Yea, we’re still talking, why?”

“Whatever got mom, got Jess.” Your stomach dropped as you looked up at the man you loved. He mouthed ‘what’ and you held up a finger as you put the phone on speaker.

“Where are you? Where’s Sam? Is he…?”

“Sam’s… well I got Sam out of the house but he’s not doing good, (Y/N).” You felt tears sting the back of your eyes and you shook your head at the idea that you had just lost someone that had become a best friend.

“Dean, are you sure it’s the same thing?”

“Positive. I saw her on the ceiling, just like my mom was, before the apartment went up in flames.” You let out a choked sob and shook your head and Jax pulled you into his chest. “Look, salt the windows and doors, Sam and I are on our way back to you.”

“You can crash here for the night. The club has a couple empty rooms.” Jax offered.

“Didn’t realize I was on speaker but thanks man. Look, I don’t know what my sister has told you so far but whatever she tells you to do tonight, listen to her. We have been doing this our whole lives and she can save yours.” Dean said and you heard the door to the Impala slam in the background. “We are headed to you now.”

“De, drive safe and take care of Sammy.” You said. Dean hummed in response and hung up the phone without another word. It took you a moment to think before you scooted out of Jax’s safe embrace. “Well… welcome to the family. I hope you believed some of what I said.” Jax nodded as he brushed your tears away.

“It’s a little crazy but from the stories you just told me… they are too detailed to be just made up. I have some doubts but I believe you.” You nodded as he gave you a chaste kiss. You sat back a moment later and sighed.

“Alright, we need salt, a tire iron or two and a jug of water. I have a rosary in my dresser somewhere… Holy water.” You said, answering his questioning look. He nodded slowly as you got off the bed, a small river of tears still silently streaming down your cheeks.

You quickly gathered everything you would need to make your room safe from the spirit that had killed two people close to the Winchester family and you waited. As you waited, you laid in Jax’s arms; mourning Jess’ death before Sam arrived. Just before 2 am, Dean called and said they were outside. You pocketed your gun and headed out into the club to get your brothers. As you stepped outside, you took one look at Sam as he collected a few weapons from the trunk and your heart broke all over again.

You could see he was angry; mentally embarking on a warpath to avenge the woman he loved. But as he looked up at you, his hazel eyes showed you the true heartbreak and devastation he was feeling.

“Let me help.” You said softly as you took one of the guns from his arms. He froze as you touched his arm and the moment he looked at you, the dam broke.

“Jess…” He whispered as his tears began to fall. You tossed the gun you had back into the Impala and wrapped your brother in a hug.

“I know, Sammy. I know.”

“I should have protected her.” He choked as he pulled away and you shook your head as the Dean came around the back of the car and started grabbing the things he needed.

“Sam, there was nothing you could do.” He shrugged as he handed you a shot gun and you felt Jax put his hand on your hip.

“We gotta get this shit inside fast. If Clay or Unser find out about this it will be my head.” You nodded as Sam and Dean grabbed the last couple things and the four of you quickly darted into the empty clubhouse to Jax’s room. As the four of you headed into your room, you locked the door and toed the salt line back in place as Sam pulled out a map and dad’s journal and laid them out on your bed.

“So we know by the coordinates dad left that he is probably in Colorado.” Sam started as he sat on the floor by the bed and flipped through the leather bound book. You shook your head as Jax lit you a cigarette.

“Sammy, give it a night. You can start fresh…”

“No, (Y/N)!” he snapped. “Jess is dead and I’m gunna find dad and find this thing and end this.”

“Sam, we don’t even know if dad is really in Colorado.” Dean said as he flopped down in the desk chair. He glanced at you as you took a drag of your smoke and cocked his eyebrow. “And if we did know, he would kill you if he found you smoking again.” You rolled your eyes and sat down in the middle of your bed.

“Go parent someone else, bro; I’m a big girl. But he’s right Sam. You don’t know that dad is even in Colorado.”

“Yea, well we leave first thing in the morning.” Sam said as he folded up the map. He reached out and grabbed your cigarette and took a drag before handing it back to you and Dean groaned.

“Man, not you too.” You and Jax laughed as he sat down on the bed next to you.

“Well count me out. I got work in the morning and unbreakable plans tomorrow night. What about your interview, Sam?”

“Screw my interview. My future went up in flames tonight so I’m gunna focus on stopping this thing.”

“What’s so important tomorrow night you can’t come with us and help?” Dean asked. You rolled your eyes as you took another drag of your cigarette.

“None of your fucking business, that’s what. I told you I am not hunting anymore. This whole night just goes to show that all we are doing is putting a bigger target on our backs than the Winchester name already has given us. Whatever IT is attacked Sam because dad must be pissing it off where ever the hell he is and I am not putting myself or the man I love in danger to avenge Jess. I’m going to do what normal people do and mourn our loss.”

“(Y/N), you can’t be serious.” Dean said and Sam looked at you stunned.

“She was your best friend!” He shouted and you nodded as you exhaled smoke toward the flag above you.

“I know she was but I didn’t want that life. I was forced into it just because my mom was a piece of shit who got knocked up by John Winchester. I have always felt like the outsider and you both know that. I could have lived a normal, happy life but instead, I got dropped off with dad, got raised by my two brothers and Bobby and when I was a child and told you I was scared of the boogyman, I should have been comforted not traumatized with the truth. I was raised to hunt monsters instead of learning about make-up and clothing like most girls.”

“We did the best we could!” Dean said and you nodded.

“I’m not saying you didn’t Dean. What I am saying is that I am out; O.U.T. out of that life. I have people I care about here in Charming, a man I love with all of my heart and woman who is the mother I have never had. I have a great job, and the same roof over my head every night and the white picket fence apple pie life I always dreamed about. I am not throwing that away nor am I doing anything to further jeopardize it because I may be a Winchester by blood but I don’t think that I will be a Winchester by name very much longer after tomorrow.” The second the words left your lips, you flushed red and slapped your hand over your mouth. Sam and Dean both looked at you shocked as you turned back and looked at Jax’s smiling face.

“Hey, you said it, not me.” He said and you couldn’t help but smile as you reached across him to put your cigarette out in the ashtray.

“Are you getting married tomorrow?” Sam asked. You sighed as you turned back around and leaned back against the wall.

“No. I’m… well… I’m getting his crow.” Your brothers looked at each other confused as Jax put his arm around your waist and pulled you to his side.

“What the fuck does that mean.” Dean demanded as he sat up a little straighter. You put your hand on Jax’s knee and tilted your head to the side.

“Basically… I’m getting a tattoo of a crow. Pre-engagement, engagement kinda thing.”

“Over my dead body!” Dean roared as he lurched up from the chair. You tightened your hand around Jax’s knee to keep him sitting as you pointed at your older brother.

“Sit your ass down, Dean. Do not cause a scene in my home, do you understand me?”

“(Y/N), he’s branding you!” He said as he sat back down in the chair and you gave him a half mouth smirk as Jax’s words flooded your mind.

“They aren’t barbarians, Dean. It’s a tattoo not a brand and I am CHOOSING to get it.”

“Dad is going to have a field day.” Sam said. You turned to look at your other brother and shrugged.

“Well I guess it is a good thing for me that dad is missing then. If he were here, he could throw in his two cents but he isn’t. And he told me that if I left to not come back so there’s another thing to solidify my decision to not go hunting anymore.”

“Does family mean nothing to you?” Dean asked. You looked up at him as tears you weren’t expecting stung the back of your eyes.

“How dare you. Family means everything to me but family doesn’t put each other in danger on purpose. And you seem to have forgotten the fact that you and dad turned your backs on me for the whole last year, Dean so you tell me what fucking family means to you. Cause from where I’m sittin’, my family is a bunch of biker mechanics and Sam.” No one said a word for a couple minutes as tears silently fell down your cheeks. You heard someone cough faintly in another room down the hall and you forced yourself to look away from your oldest brother to glance at the clock. You internally groaned at the unbelievably late hour and you looked back at Dean.

“Look, we have all had a really, really long day but I have to rip apart a truck in three hours to replace an engine and a transmission and I need sleep for all that. There is a room across the hall that is empty so you two can sleep for a couple hours. Just come find me in the shop before you leave. Night boys.” Without another word, you got up and walked past Sam into the bathroom to take a quick shower. As you stepped under the hot water, Jax joined you with a sad smile.

“You OK, babe?” He asked as he got into the shower. You shrugged and leaned against his chest.

“Part of me feels like a bad person for not going with them but the other part…”

“Just told them to fuck off.” He finished with a chuckle. He kissed your forehead and wrapped his arms around you. “Babe, you said it yourself. Dean and your dad turned their back on you when you made the choice to walk away to better yourself and your life. You are doing what is best for you. You can’t let them dictate what is best for you anymore.”

“I know…” you sighed as you looked up at the love of your life. “the situation still sucks though.” He nodded and shrugged.

“And I wish there was something I could do to make it better.” You smiled at him as you moved your arms around his neck.

“Give me a kiss and take me to bed.” He smiled and effortlessly lifted you off the floor before turning off the water.

“That I can do.”

Part 4

Could you do all of the questions?

heyhey! yea! done on my laptop :>

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?♥ usually more milk but then i try to fix the ratio and it ends up being more cereal asfh

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?♥ eehhh sometimes

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?♥ mostly just pieces of paper lol

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?♥ with LOTS of sugar

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?♥ yes. it's gross

6: do you keep plants?♥ yea!

7: do you name your plants?♥ ofc i do

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?♥ music mainly. like you'll know my mood by knowing what song i listen to

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?♥ ye ~

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?♥ my side usually but i move a lot in my sleep

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?♥ bongwater,,

12: what’s your favorite planet?♥ saturn! and pluto,,, and jupiter ahh

13: what’s something that made you smile today?♥ thinking about puppies !!!!!!

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?♥ idk? messy

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!♥ apparently you get taller in space

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?♥ this is boring of me but i like plain ol' pasta with butter and salt the most

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?♥ white with purple ombre !

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.♥ HHH when i was 6 months old i ate a spider and anyone who knows about it never lets me live it down

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?♥ i try to keep em and write in em but i often forget

20: what’s your favorite eye color?♥ mmm i can't choose, they're all great !

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.♥ oof my batman backpack that i gave to my dad. that thing went through A LOT. my new one is really good too tho. it's just red and black but it's served me well.

22: are you a morning person?♥ depends on if i've gotten a good night's sleep and if i'm particularly excited for the day!

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?♥ sleep, listen to music, read

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?♥ yea. we don't talk anymore tho. i miss him

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?♥ nowhere? i've never broken in before

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?♥ i always wear my vans til they fall apart. my current pair are space themed bc ofc

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?♥ juicyfruit ig?

28: sunrise or sunset?♥ sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?♥ ASFH UHM idk?? them just being themselves is enough for me to smile over them

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?♥ yes

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.♥ i wear mismatched socks all the time but like they do match each other somewhat. like. i have a bunch of stitch socks and i don't wear their match but i'll wear another stitch sock with it.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.♥ uhh me and two friends played never have i ever over kik once and long story short we learned a lot abt each other. some things we never wanted to know

33: what’s your fave pastry?♥ idk! i like danish pastries pretty well tho

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?♥ teddy!! i got him when i was 5 from my cousin for like a nickel. he's just a standard lil brown teddy bear. and ofc i still have him asdgh can't sleep without him. i even bring him to sleepovers

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?♥ yea! i use them when i can

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?♥ EDEN. and crywank generally fits me too

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?♥ i like it to be clean but often it just gets cluttered and i don't have the motivation to clean it

38: tell us about your pet peeves!♥ uhhh i hate rude, arrogant, judgemental people, disloyalty, uhm, the sound that weird plastic makes, uhhh idk

39: what color do you wear the most?♥ mostly black and white

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?♥ my solar system bracelet! i saw the post for it on tumblr and sent it to my mum, and she ended up getting it for me for christmas!

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?♥ we were liars by e. lockhart. if i had to choose a fave it'd be that one. i sobbed for days after reading it. i think it kinda did smthn to my soul

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!♥ i do not sadly :

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?♥ my mum, i think ?

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?♥ oof, when harley was still here. it was a nice day, the sun was shining through my window, birds singing, EDEN playing softly, and harley was all cuddled up on my chest with his head tucked under my chin, purring away.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?♥ depends. i try to evenly listen to my instincts and to logic

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.♥ my friend used to make a lot of bone puns bc of undertale and sans and one of my faves is "wasn't that HUMERUS"

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?♥ SEAFOOD it's grrrrrrrrrrroooooooosssss

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?♥ death. and yes.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?♥ haven't bought many of those, i mostly listen to spotify :0 i did get the vinyl of black parade that mcr was giving out for the anniversary !

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?♥ crystals ig? pokemon cards, pens, books. uhh. i have a lot of paper and notebooks lmao

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?♥ mm. good times by all time low.

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?♥ uhh idk i like all of em

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?♥ heathers is epic and i love christian slater but also his voice is hilarious, beetlejuice was good and amazingly weird, and i've no seen the other two yet.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?♥ HHH. the other day my mum's friend was talking abt how she's having problems with renters and she looked like she was gonna cry but it was more frustration than anything so idk?

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?♥ man idk it's prob somethin big but i don't remember

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?♥ ? idk. it depends ig?? like for my one friend i love that he loves animals, for my other i love that she loves music. for one i love her kindness and outward innocence and i find it hilarious when she actually shows her angry or sassy side.

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?♥ god i love bohemian rhapsody. so good. so catchy. the best. me and my former bff used to sing it all the time

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?♥ mmmm idk :0

59: what’s your favorite myth?♥ i love myths abt creatures! my faves are about the fae folk.

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?♥ idk :0

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?♥ uhh just a basic gift card ig. and uhm idk?

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?♥ mm if i have juice i'll drink it!

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?♥ i try to keep them organized

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?♥ it's getting late and it's kinda cloudy and grey

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?♥ yeaa.

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?♥ mmm idk! maybe lots of purple and light blues? :0

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?♥ bad. i've always been nervous with storms and whatnot and those kinda days just make me jittery.

68: what’s winter like where you live?♥ well for a while it actually is winter and gets cold. but it's florida so ofc it goes back to being hot af.

69: what are your favorite board games?♥ i've always been fond of sorry sliders and candy land

70: have you ever used a ouija board?♥ NO AND I NEVER WILL. my mum and aunts did once and HHHHHHHH they ended up with a possessed barney doll

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?♥ earl grey ! i really wanna try lavender tea tho

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?♥ yea but i don't often actually do it

73: what are some of your worst habits?♥ i sleep and procrastinate too much but i'm trying, i pick at threads a lot hhh,

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.♥ ok uhh. they remind me of a canary bird. i associate them with yellow and pink. they're super sweet. always helpful. sad and i wish i could help them more. all in all a v good friend and v good person.

75: tell us about your pets!♥ OOF OK GET READY. syd: sydney, my man. the big orange floof. meathead. he likes to stand up and hold onto your shirt or pants and it's cute but also CLAWS. v smart, knows that if he annoys me enough i'll open my door for him. maggie: pretty pretty princess. also the grossest princess. beaut white, brown capped fur and green gold eyes and cutest lil meows. bean: has two thumbs, one is teensy tiny. meows are like inaudible. usually grumpy and will run if you pet her. only accepts affection when she's sleepy. sebastian: the real grumpy cat. russian blue boy. has a hard time jumping correctly now cos he's old. always talking and complaining. likes pets. will fight you. ash: scaredy boi. dark as night. murrs instead of meows bc he wasn't raised by other cats. rarely purrs but you know he loves you. likes head bumps. will scratch you if you're not paying attention to him. can be a bully. arrow: FAT. has scabs bc he keeps scratching himself,, why boi why (we think he's allergic to smthn). meows LOUDLY. eats everyone's food. likes to go outside. once got stuck in the same tree twice. shelby: old girl. jack russel. super hyper but also LAZY. only sleeps under blankets. gets jealous. will force her way onto your lap. the smelliest dog in existence i swear. emmy: chihuahua. grumpyyyy old lady. always telling people to shut up (mostly shelby). cute tho. has seizures sometimes. will purposefully use the bathroom on the floor where you'll step or on something of yours if you upset her. moriarty: my snek! good boy. likes to be under his paper towels. smol. has a cute face. percy: GRUMPY leopard gecko. she's a blizzard morph and she looks purple. so grumpy aaaaaaaaah. red: my betta girl. the other girls with her (blue and esme) died. she comes up to the glass to say hi to you. oscar the grouch: hedgehog. SO GRUMP. he literally turned his entire house around so you can't see him. rude. lillith, yuki, and star: ferrets. inseperable. good little catsnakes who i love. yuki has a thing for feet and shoes. star messes with the dogs/cats by nipping them. lillith is good but bites a bit hard. the chickens: we named them after the avengers. cap can die. literally she hates me and my mum she tries to fight us. RUDE.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?♥ yes. schoolwork

77: pink or yellow lemonade?♥ i like both !

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?♥ uhh hate club ig? idrk?????

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?♥ mmmMM my former bff used to be very supportive of my clinginess and she would be talking and i could just like hold my hands out to her or hug her and she'd be totally ok with it and not even pause talking. the best thing ever tbh

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?♥ two walls are light grey and the other two are a slightly darker grey! i chose it :> i wanted a good neutral color besides beige or white.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.♥ mmm. like the sun shining through the branches of the trees.

82: are/were you good in school?♥ i mean?? ig? i get ok grades (mostly Bs) but i always procrastinate assignments cos i'm lazy and unmotivated

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?♥ ooohh my fave is from life starts now by three days grace. i actually made it my theme once on chrome

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?♥ yea! i wanna get a lot of space related ones! and maybe the chip number of my boy harley

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?♥ mm. i read webcomics! a fave of mine is stutterhug by samantha davies on taptastic :>

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?♥ uhhhhhhh i don't know any off the top of my head and i looked it up and it says american idiot by green day is one and i love them so? yeah

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?♥ THE CROW. and the last unicorn!! both so good

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?♥ i've always been fond of symbolism

89: are you close to your parents?♥ i'm close to my mum! not so much my dad

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.♥ woodsboro, maryland! that's where my aunts and cousins live. i love going up there!

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?♥ idk! my mum did bring up going somewhere this year tho

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?♥ barely even a pinch. unless it's spaghetti and that powdery parmesan cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?♥ wellll we shaved the sides and back so it's just long at the top and flipped sideways

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?♥ ? it was my mum's boss's birthday a few days ago :0 we all had lunch together and she asked me what name she should call me by. i love her tbh

95: what are your plans for this weekend?♥ hopefully i can go see the puppies !!!

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?♥ procrastinate

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?♥ infp, leo but i relate more to my scorpio chart, and hufflepuff!

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?♥ i've never actually been hiking!! and tbh i enjoy pretty much anything long as i'm with someone i like!

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.♥ jupiter by EDEN, leech boy by crywank, lost//found by EDEN, boats & birds by gregory and the hawk, and saturn by sleeping at last. a lot of others too ahh

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?♥ five years in the past. i could fix a lot of things that happened.

05/24/2020 12:29pm

This was one year ago today. We were going camping at ocean shores. It should’ve been you and I and I changed the plans. You went along with it and tried very hard to have fun and I wish I hadn’t changed the plans. I’m sorry for that.

I love you. I wish so badly I was different back then. I miss you greatly.

I trust you to come back even now even though I know you can’t. I’m sorry I made it that way.

Today we were going to hang out. I wasn’t going to bring anything up. I respected that you said you’d sleep on it and I was very much looking forward to your company and doing something outside. It’s a beautiful day after all. I didn’t want to taint our time together with that. I just wanted to be carefree with you again because you make me feel a feeling i only get at festivals. I stayed for that feeling last time. And I only felt that feeling with you this time around. Until I left the groupchat. Until I was silent for too long while I thought. Until I was short with you. I’m sorry.

I spent all day yesterday inside my room save to use the bathroom and for an an hour long drive. I cried a lot. I yelled into my pillow a couple times. I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty. I didn’t mean to ruin your day. I sent you smiley faces and tried to send good vibes despite my pain.

Today I put on clothes but I’m still in my room. Maybe I’ll force myself out onto the couch.

I trusted when you said you wanted me. I trusted you with my safe place where I could vent.

You broke that trust. It’s ok, you couldn’t do it. It hurts but not as much as I’m sure it hurts you.

I can’t be around the way you want me to while you act the way you do. I can’t trust someone who takes my vented words on tumblr and uses them against me when I’m my eyes I hadn’t done anything to you. in your eyes that’s not true I’m sure and that’s ok. I sent you smiley faces and kind words 45minutes before you betrayed me.

You betrayed me by leaving when I needed emotional support. You betrayed me by taking things I said when venting and used that a reason to hurt me. I vent so I don’t get bitter or resentful and lash out at you.

You told me you loved me, I chose you, you ghosted me, you found someone else, and you blocked me. I know there’s way more to it and I am not without fault.

I was willing to be just friends and yes I hoped you could change your mind. You said you’d always have feelings for me and that you’d sleep on it. I must’ve misunderstood those words.

I do want to date you. But rn I can’t. I can’t trust you with details of my life. You can’t trust me with details in yours.

I won’t go back any further than I am to the Canadians. I won’t like their posts even though I follow them. I thought about unfollowing them but I’m not sure that would help you. I want to give them up for you. I want to show you things would be better and different because they will be. Maybe I’m time you’ll see that.

For now I just ask you unblock my phone so I can text you when I’m sad and need emotional support or advice. I won’t ask for more because you can’t do that rn and tbh, I don’t think I can either. I can feel myself closing up again. I don’t want that.

You’re the only person I trust completely still with my emotions. If you can’t do that it’s ok. I want what’s best for you. I want that. desperately to be me. But I want to slowly add you back into my life. I have to go slow now. I restarted.

I thought about so many things I want to do while upset. I wanted to call you from my work phone, make new accounts and message you, email you. But at the end of the day you said you needed space and can’t do it. Only way I can show I’ve changed is to let you do what you need to and trust that if you change your mind you’ll come back.

I will still keep posting here. It’s my journal and I still want you to see where I’m at because that means I’m vulnerable. Love is giving someone the complete power to destroy you and trusting they won’t.

I do love you Jessica. I always will. I really hope you had a fantastic day yesterday. I was envious. I didn’t mean for that to ruin your day. I just envied those who could be with you. I want you in my life and I want to be in yours. I’m not going anywhere. Even if you do.

I hope this doesn’t upset you. I’m not mad or upset or anything right now. I’m numb right now or maybe it’s acceptance. I can’t tell 😂

I will always want more from you Jess. I just won’t say it anymore. I’m sorry if that bothers you.

In the time it’s taken me to right this Kyle has convinced to go on a bike ride. That’s probably for the best. It’s 12:59pm now.

6:55pm

It’s ok you can’t do it Jess. I hope someday you reach out to me and we can try again. I love you. I hope you’re happy either way :)

7:21pm

Fuck me I miss you and this is hard and it’s not going to be easier. I’m going to know you’re falling for someone else, going to know you’re at shows and festivals making memories I’ll never get to make. I made my choice and it was wrong. And when I corrected it I was too late. That hurt along with everything else won’t go away. How do I get over or forget you? You’re unforgettable. I couldn’t do it last time and I’m the one who left. How am I supposed to do it when you’re the one who left this time? I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to not feel anymore. That hurt and I let myself be swept away with you and that felt good. I want to feel good. I want you and you only in the room we made together. Twice. I wanted to make a home with you someday.

7:53pm

You can’t even reach out to me about being friends after I gave you what you needed. I don’t understand you. Do you just say stuff to try give the illusion you want me around? Because I don’t understand. I don’t know if you’re moving on or still needing space because you told me you could but you still aren’t here.

Hey guys, hi :)

So, I'm new at the studyblr community, and I'm doing an introduction to let you know why I'm here and who I am.

Why I'm here:

Some time ago I heard about bullet journaling and got very enthusiastic about it. I bought myself a Moleskine (grid) notebook to start out. But I never kept it going, because, as I used to think, "since I'm not good at art, don't have beautiful writing and can't keep working with focus, I'll never get it done". So the notebook is just laying around at my home.

Anyways. I became active again o Instagram, last week, and while skimming I found out about studygrams. I got so inspired! So many beautiful notes, so many goals! And i (re) found out about bullet journals. I returned to my old tumblr and started following studyblrs. Suddenly, I became part of this, even if you guys don't know/notice me (yet?).

I created a side studyblr l, and for the past few days I've been just rebloging (flooding your timelines with) masterposts I want to check later on. But I wanna change. The notes makes me so happy, so willing... I've always been a huge procrastinator, and have greater problems with focusing and sticking to an agenda. And I think that, here, doing what you guys do, I could be happy while studying. Would be a plus for not quiting.

That's why I entered, and I want to make other people feel the way I do.

Who I am:

Ok, let's talk about me, even though I hate it haha

My name is Luana, I'm a girl and I'm 19 (99, baby). I'm from Brazil, and moving to Portugal (my mom is engaged to a guy who lives there, and my dad thinks about going too. I'll be living w/ mama and my stepdad, btw. Plus, the unis are better!). I applied for biomedical science and biology (I really wanted biomed, but only passed to biology) in February, and now for pharmacy (that it's better cause it's health area and gives me more base of I wanna switch to biomed later. I'm still waiting for the results, tho), in june. After graduation (or IM, like pharmacy) I'd like to do master's in medicine.

Here in Brazil, I live in Rio de Janeiro, and I'm going to live in Algarve, in Portugal. I am very excited to start college soon, as I'm already waiting for a long time (class in Brazil and around november/December, and in Portugal they start around September, so it's been almost like a gap year). But I'm kinda afraid, since my grades at school weren't that great, as I didn't put that much effort on it. Hope I'll be able to turn things around at uni Haha.

I also like to play MMORPGS (playing WOW, currently), read (comics, manga, fantasy, romance and others), listen to folk music (and love ed sheeran, old 80 rock, and I like others genres too), watch animes and animations, I want to learn how to play magic and dnd... anyway, many hobbies hahaha, just ask me if you're curious (I'm kinda noob in everything, tho)

Overall:

I really like the studyblr community, I find you all very caring and hugable, and want to make part of it! :) As I'm new here, I'm looking for scienceblr (vet, med, bio, pharm...) specially from around that area (BR, PT) to follow, but I'll follow any other too. I don't have any posts here yet (as I said, I'm on gap year) but as soon as I start to get my things ready for college, I'll show you guys, and I'll also try to do and post my bullet journal.

I'd love if you follow me, that way I can follow you back and (of course, make part of the study comu) have more study/bujo related posts in my dash, get inspiration and grow!

Sorry for the huuuge post and for my english, and of course, thanks for reading trought all of this!

Thanks folks, that's all (for today!!!)

And welcome, if you're new! Fell free for just asking me something (welcome for me too!)

S2

The Test

Dawn x Ogie

Oneshot

A.K.A The Pregnant one

@summerkid423 IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG

Will fucking tumblr just fucking post this already

She was running late. For the third time that week she was late for work. She knew Jenna would understand. She had been sick for the past couple of days but she didn't know why. Jenna and Becky were the only ones who could tell she was ill, being she didn't play with Lulu between orders like she usually did.

But today was different.Today she couldn't bring herself to get out of bed. Not when Ogie woke her up for breakfast, not when her alarm to start getting ready for work went off, and not when her alarm that meant it was time for her to leave went off. So. Yes. She was late and very late at that, being they lived at least a half hour from the diner.

She finally managed to drag herself out of bed and get dressed. Pulling her hair up into her signature half up look. Smiling to herself softly. Despite her lacking any motivation at all she still had her cheery stature. Ogie had left already. She knew because he asked her if she was feeling ok before he left. Not only that but he usually leaves at least 10 minutes before her anyway so that he can stop to get coffee on the way to work. Sometimes she'd ask him to stay and to just stop at the diner to get coffee, but he was too set in his ways.

She hurried out of the house quickly getting and her car and literally speeding trying not to be later than she already was. Getting to the diner and rushing in putting her stuff in the store room and putting on her apron and rushing out to start working the tables. Only to have Jenna stop her as she was getting to work. "You're late." "I know I overslept." "Lies. Ogie wakes you up when he gets up." "Ok, then Ogie overslept." "Ogie never oversleeps." "Why do you know my life better than I do?!" "This is the third time this week Dawn." She sighed.

"I know Jenna. I don't know whats going on. I've been so sick lately and I'm exhausted 90 percent of the day I can't sleep my feet hurt and- OH MY GOD AM I DYING." Jenna chuckled. "I don't think you're dying Dawn." "I'm dying! It's the only explanation!" "You aren't dying, Dawn!" "I've come down with some internal disease that you can't get rid of!" Becky laughed.

"Does the damsel think she's dying again." Jenna nodded. "Although I've got a hunch that that isn't whats goin on." Dawn pouted. "If you aren't gonna stop being so vague I'm gonna go start working."  With that, she left them. Working her tables for the rest of the day until it was time to leave. Unknowingly the subject of conversation between Jenna and Becky all day. So she headed home. Not knowing of the plot against her.

There was a good hours difference between the time she got home and the time Ogie got home so she had a little time to relax and read. (The thought of her having an internal illness was still in her head) Ogie was running a little late but not late but not late enough to make her worry. So she began to make dinner him coming in just short of a half hour later than usual coming into the kitchen and kissing her on the cheek smiling widely.

"What're you grinning about?" Ogie smiled wider. "A new position just opened up in the office ahead of ours." She smiled. "You gonna apply?" He nodded. "Well, the pay is better and it's practically the same job with a different title." She nodded hoping he wouldn't try to explain because she didn't very well understand what his job was in the first place.

"What are you making?" He asked the smell of food very strong in the air. "Chicken parm." She smiled. "Sounds good! So are you sure you're feeling ok? You wouldn't get out of bed this morning??" She nodded opting out of the fact she thinks she's dying. "I'm Fine Ogie. Honest." He nodded kissing her cheek. "I just wanna make sure." "I know. But, I'm fine." "Ok."

She smiled and went on cooking and he watched helping by handing her something when she needed it. Until dinner was done and they sat in the living room eating (and watching the history channel of course) After watching a few episodes of 'History's Mysteries' she got into the shower and they both went to bed falling asleep rather quickly.

The next morning she made a purpose to get up when Ogie woke her. That way he wouldn't worry. That way they got back on schedule. She smiled following the guidance of her alarms and heading to work on time at which she was greeted by a smirking Jenna and giggling Lulu. She smiled at them.

"And what are you giggling about little one?" Lulu shrugged still smiling. "Still think you're dying Dawn?" Jenna chuckled smiling at her daughter. "Yes! I do! Don't patronize me!" Jenna smiled. "I'm not patronizing you, Dawn. I just think its funny you don't see what is obviously going on." "I know whats going on I'm dying. It's the only explanation!" "Dawn there isn't an internal illness with those symptoms!" Dawn frowned. "Then whats going on?!" Jenna set Lulu down and smiled. "You ever think you might be pregnant Dawn?" She blushed deeply. "W-What?? N-No? Why would you think that I'm just dying thats it. Nothing more nothing less." Thats when Becky stepped into the shop. "You Break the news to the damsel of stress yet?"

"She won't listen to me, Becky." "Because it isn't true!" Becky laughed. "Come one girl don't fight me like Jenna did." "What do you mean I'm not avoiding the issue I'm dying. Thats all!" Cal then walked in which caused Becky and Jenna to practically drag Dawn to the bathroom. "Come on! We gotta get ready to open up!" Jenna laughed. "Dawn you seem to forget we don't open up until I say we do nowadays." Dawn sighed. "Fine then but what are we doing in here?" Becky then proceeded to pull a pregnancy test out of her apron causing Dawn's blush to deepen.

"DO YOU JUST ALWAYS HAVE THOSE IN YOUR APRON OR SOMETHING?!" Becky shrugged handing her the test as Jenna pushed her into the stall. They then proceeded to block the stall door so she wouldn't crawl out from under it. (They knew her pretty well at this point.) She groaned realizing what they had done. "Fine I'll take your stupid test but it's not gonna be positive." She pouted proceeding to use the test knocking on the door for them to let her out when she was done. Which they did and Jenna set a timer. Dawn pulled herself up to sit on the counter of the sink pulling her knees to her chest hiding her face and Becky comfortingly rubbed her shoulder trying to bring at least some peace to her mind.

Unlike Jenna's this time it was completely silent. With Dawn a pregnancy was not unwelcome, nor unwanted but unplanned was something different. Dawn is a person who relies on things being planned so when something unexpectedly changes she freaks out. Even if that change is a happy one, and those fifteen minutes were among the slowest of her life. By the time the alarm rang Jenna was sitting on the counter with her rocking her back and forth as an attempt to calm her nerves.

When the alarm rang she curled up even further into herself. She didn't want to look. Yet she did want to look. Part of her was excited, part of her was afraid and denying it. Jenna pulled away from her slightly and she let her legs fall from the counter slowly getting down from where she was seated. She held her breath picking it up her hands trembling. She couldn't bring herself to look at it. She wanted to she wanted to know more than anything.

"You okay honey?" Becky put a hand on her shoulder and she nodded. "I just don't know if I'm ready for the truth or not." "Dawn it'll be okay. I thought it was gonna be the end of the world when I found out. Yet it's the best thing thats ever happened to me. Dawn just look down and you'll know." She nodded feeling her chest fill with anxiety. Looking down at the small tester in her hands, Becky and Jenna looking over her shoulder.

She smiled softly seeing the dual lines as Jenna hugged her tightly. Becky responding with. "Girl we told you!!" She shook her head in disbelief unable to stop herself from smiling. A million thing was running through her mind until it stopped at one. "Ogie! I have to tell him! I've gotta call him! I-" "Dawn you can't just do something like that over the phone." Jenna snorted. "I should have it probably would have saved me a lot of trouble." At which Becky smacked her arm. "Come on Dawnrising you can think of something better than doing it over the phone." She nodded.

"I can but its gonna take a little time to put together... Jenna, do you mind if I?" Jenna nodded. "Of course not Dawn go!" She smiled hugging both of them tightly. "Thank you!" She left quickly heading to the store to grab a few things before heading home. Quickly going to the closet and pulling out a journal that Ogie had bought her at Monticello when they went on their anniversary and a wax stamp and sealing wax they got at Mt. Vernon getting an envelope from the office she got to work. A couple hours later she was done. She sealed the wax stamp and set the envelope on the bed where she knew Ogie would see it when he went to change out of his work clothes as he does every day. It was around the time she usually got off work so she still had a little time. She closed the door to the bedroom so he wouldn't suspect anything. (She always closed it when she left in the morning and normally didn't change out of her uniform until after she showered unless something had spilled on it)

She started making dinner early so it would be done when he got home. As to save time for all of the excitement. He came home a few minutes early to her enjoyment coming in having a short conversation with her as he did every day. Then he went to their room to change. She bit her lip knowing he was reading what was probably the most important thing she's ever written in her lifetime.

It read.

Ogie, A long time ago you quoted to me the Declaration of Independence in one of your poems.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

I don't really think I understood why until now.

Though now, If you give me the chance I'm going to quote it back to you.

Life.

I remember the day you messaged my profile.

It hadn't been a very good day.

Becky and I were covering for Jenna because she had to go to the doctor. Your user handle was cheesy but then again so was mine.

You said I was beautiful and honestly I didn't believe you.

I didn't believe anyone when they told me I was pretty.

I took it as a big lie.

But I still made plans to see you anyway.

Only five minutes though, that way I wouldn't miss History's Mysteries.

At first, you were very off-putting and that made me think you weren't right for me.

A few days later you showed up at the diner.

I was very confused then, you showed up with a mixed bouquet of flowers and spouted off random poems at the top of your lungs.

Becky and Cal almost called the cops.

Thats when I figured out we really did have some things in common and it maybe not is so bad giving you another shot.

If I'm being honest I kept those flowers for as long as they lived.

Being more honest I still have one of them pressed in a book.

Liberty.

You were the first man who ever had any interest in me.

I was a nerd growing up the and only men who ever paid attention to me were sleazeballs.

I honestly only expected our relationship to last a few weeks at the most. When it lasted for longer than that I got scared.

Thats when our only real bumps in the road happened.

I distanced myself from not only you but Jenna and Becky as well.

I was afraid and I took it out of the people around me.

Yet you still made the effort to find me.

To tell me everything was going to be ok.

You called me your moon.

I still didn't think it was true.

The Pursuit of Happiness.

We got married that Summer.

You interrupted the ceremony for one of your poems.

I thought it was sweet but the others were a little annoyed.

Despite all of it I still thought it was a twisted dream that I was going to wake up from at any moment.

Then Earl showed up and I knew it was real.

Earl would never be in my dreams.

Lulu was born a few short days later.

I'll always remember that day.

There was a special energy in the air.

I remember you hugged the doctor.

I remember how proud Jenna looked.

How much we all wished we knew what she was thinking.

Now I understand what was going through her head.

Fear.

Joy.

Anxiety.

Happiness.

All of it practically attacking you all at once.

Yet it's somehow an amazing feeling.

By this point, I'm pretty sure you get the point so I'm going to stop this here because I'm gonna ramble on forever I don't.

I'm Pregnant Ogie thats all I'm trying to say.

I love you

                 - Dawn

She bit her lip waiting for him to come back. When he did she hid her face curing back up into her little ball she retreated into herself. He sat next to her smiling. "Dawn?" She whimpered. "Dawn Come on you're better than that." She spoke muffled. "Am  I? Am I really?" "Dawn look at me please?" She nervously looked up from her hands. His grin was wider than it usually was and his eyes watery. She smiled tearing up as well as he pulled her close. He pulled a blanket over the two of them and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Were you being serious? In your note?" She nodded. "The girls cornered me and made me take a test this morning." He laughed. "They what??" She nodded. "They did. They even blocked the bottom of the stall so I couldn't crawl out from underneath." "Oh my god!" "Right?!" They were both laughing at this point all the tension had spilled from the room as they sat together.

She smiled. "I honestly don't know why I was so nervous. It's just my brain I guess." He smiled. "You're naturally nervous Dawn. It's just how you work." "I know. I know. But, this was different. I guess it's just what Jenna went through that made me so afraid. Being around that. I guess it messed me up." He smiles. "You aren't messed up Dawn it's just psychology. Jenna was married to a bad man. You experienced what he put her throughout her pregnancy. It's not your fault Dawn."

She nodded burying herself further under the blanket. "I made food." "I know I can smell it." She giggled. "Wanna eat?" "Not yet." "Ok." They stayed that way until it got late. Then proceeding to do their usual nighttime routine. They woke up the next morning both feeling better than the day before. Both discussing scheduling a doctors appointment. It was a Saturday meaning Ogie didn't work. She managed to talk him into going to the diner with her, being she knew Lulu would love to see him.

They got there and Lulu ran up to them. She picked her up smiling wide. "Mama got you guys something." To which she was shushed by Jenna and told it was supposed to be a surprise. Dawn smiled and Jenna leads her inside making her sit down. Handing her a small paper bag. Opening it she revealed a book, a book which she opened up revealed the words "Dear Baby”.

how are things going with brandon? and blaise? what sort of things did you write in your email to your team? xo

They’re going ok! In the email I said:

“Nutrition: I met with Britt last Monday and Kellie today. My weight dropped a bit last week and I admitted to Britt that I have had some trouble with some snacks and a bit of exercise over what I’m allowed (i.e. some extra walking, but no extra gym sessions or exercise classes or anything like that). I have also been doing “eyeball portioning” at home which means that I don’t use any measuring utensils and just do around what I think looks appropriate, but it’s possible I might be under-portioning. So Kellie asked me to start doing “reverse portioning” at home which means I put what I think is the correct portion on the plate, and then I transfer that into measuring cups to see how close I got and then would correct for the difference. I have started reverse portioning more but have not been doing it for everything. For exercise this week, I have stayed to appropriate amounts and actually have done a little under what I am “allowed” to do - I did not take a yoga class because I haven’t had time that worked with the class schedule at the gym. I feel really crappy about this and am having a lot of judgements about myself for not doing the absolute max that I can do. My goals with Kellie this week are: 1. reverse portioning, 2. eat a “mindful” meal 3 times this week (i.e. no using my phone for Tumblr or watching TV), 3. log honestly on Recovery Record (I have had some trouble being honest), and 4. write this team email!

ED Therapy:Liz and I have been talking about body image and the idea of “good enough” body image. Sometimes I hear the goal of ED recovery is to learn to “love your body” and it’s really really difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea of actually loving my body. She suggested there’s a more realistic option - i.e. some days thinking “I look good!” and other days thinking “eh. It’s a body.” and then (the key point) I would MOVE ON and not let it affect every single aspect of the day from whether I ate that chocolate cake to whether I go out dancing. Liz asked me what I thought would be some concrete goals to get to that point. I said 1. getting rid of my "sick” clothes (i.e. clothes that are too small that I either wore while I was smaller or that don’t totally fit now and when I wear them, they make me want to restrict bc they are too tight), 2. using thought stopping for body distortion thoughts (not necessarily challenging them, just being like “oh, there’s the thought, I’m gonna shift my attention to _____”), and 3. challenging the distorted thoughts. My goals with Liz this week were to: 1. bring a bag of my “sick” clothes and my FitBit for Liz to keep in her office until I am able to decide what to do with them. I’m not sure if I’m ready to get rid of them, but this way at least they’re not sitting in my room, waiting to trigger me. And 2. practice thought stopping for distorted thoughts.Courtney (and Kellie) and I have talked a bit about feeling like I have to be the “perfect patient” since I have this timeline for PHP/IOP. I feel in some ways as though I can’t struggle, or if I do, I can’t be honest about it bc it might show that I’m not working hard enough or I’m not motivated enough or I’m not sticking to the guidelines of 30 days/20 days. That’s why I’ve been having difficulty being honest about the behaviors I’ve been using and where my mindset it. So I guess that’s what I’m working on now.

Brandon Therapy:Right now we’re in major repair stage. I lied a lot in the summer/fall, I built back up old walls, I pushed Brandon away. So right now I’m going through a lot of journal entries from that time to say all the things I wasn’t able to say in the moment, all the thoughts I was having, all the behaviors I was doing. It is incredibly difficult to share these things and I feel immense shame, both at having thought those things and for hiding them from Brandon, but I think this is a hugely important piece of our work. I know I need to do the incredibly painful process of opening up, being honest, being vulnerable, and handling those intense emotions I feel in regards to the relationship. It is so painful, AND, I know it’s essential to the process. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable sitting in the office which I hate bc it was such a safe place for me when I was being real and letting him in. I want to get back to that point, but I know it’s going to take a lot of work.

General:W is going pretty well. It’s kind of depressing but I have been throwing myself 100% into engaging with the community - spending more time in the milieu, designing fun milieu activities (laser tagging last weekend, an arcade this weekend), and contributing more to the house. I know I’m going to be here for at least another year so I’m doing my best to make it as good as it can be. I ordered some fairy lights for my room and a pretty tapestry to hang up. I also put up some cards and things from MNLH, and affirmation cards I made for myself, so my room is looking a lot brighter.My mood is pretty up and down. Sometimes it’s really down. Last Monday was my best friend Sam’s six year anniversary of her suicide and it was an incredibly difficult day. I was very very depressed and hopeless and angry, but I got myself through it without using any behaviors and then drove down to RI on Friday to visit Britty, who was the third roommate and best friend from that time. She’s the only person who really understands how I feel about Sam bc she feels the same way. We spent the morning going geocaching (she found all three though so I’m pissed) and then went to lunch. It really brightened my spirits. And today I volunteered at the cat shelter and it was pretty quiet for adoptions so I got to spend a lot of time on the floor with the cats, petting and cuddling with them, and I was smiling so big. They bring a lot of joy to my life. Tomorrow I will be transporting four new cats to the vet! I also talked to the owner about some ideas I have for their social media pages (like a naming contest on Facebook for new cats we get) and she really liked it. I’m so glad I found this shelter and that there’s so many opportunities to help them out.I am missing my family a lot, especially since I didn’t get to spend Christmas with them and bc most of them are going to visit my brother Sam in Cambodia next month. I reached out to my mom to ask her if she would be willing to come out here to visit soon bc I miss her. That was a big deal for me (right Karen??) bc I have a hard time asking my parents for things, especially if I feel like it’s a bother to them. But she said she would love to so I hope she will come soon. I’ve been FaceTiming Sam every weekend which has been really nice, but it also REALLY makes me miss him a lot. It’s really hard to think about.

Umm…. holy crap this is long. I promise not every week is going to be like this!! Also I just have to say that this was really really hard to write. I felt very in control in the summer/fall of who knew what and how I got away with x, y, and z and how I used not having a comprehensive ED team to my (my ED’s) advantage. It is really hard for me to feel like everything is out in the open for everyone. This is scary. But I’m really really trying.“

Sorry that was probably boring lol

1-100!

100 questionsIs a kiss considered cheating? YesHave you ever faked orgasm? YesIf you could have one superpower, what would it be? Mind reading 😈Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? No, I'll be drowning in student debt lol. Tell us some funny drunk story. Don't have one! Found out the bad way that I'm allergic to alcohol :( Why are you no longer together with your ex? I made school my priority instead of him so he didn't feel loved enough..If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? In my sleep pls or anyway without pain What are your current goals? I just wanna hear back from this internship dude 😭 I just wanna know did I get it or nah cause that job is goals. Do you like someone? Yes Who was the last person to disappoint you? An ex-friend Do you like your body? YesCan you keep a diet? Yes If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? Hey, you are all loved. Don't forget that. Do you work? Yes. Two jobs. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? Hot wings and celery Would you get a tattoo? Yes. Planning on getting one in January for my 20th birthday. Woot woot. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? My parents' happiness or charity. Something good for the world. Can you drive? Uhm, yes but a friend told me "Asian drivers, no survivors" so...When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful? Two weeks ago What was the last thing you cried for? A friend Do you keep a journal? Kind of. It's a private blog called Jenournaling. Is life fun? Hell yeah when I'm not working haha Is farting in front of people irrelevant? No. Only in front of best friends haha. What’s your dream car? Audi R8 or BMW i8 ❤️❤️❤️ Are grades in school important? YesDescribe your crush. He has nice eyes and a caring soul. He's funny and smart. Everything about him is soft... his tone, his facial features, his hair..No words can really describe the giddy and peaceful feeling I have when I'm around him. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? Slevin What was your last lie? Can't remember... haven't told many lies in a longggg time Dumbest lie you ever told? Uh.... I don't know. If i lie, i try to make sure it doesn't sound dumb...?Is crying in front of people embarrassing? In front of strangers, yes. Close friends? Nah. Something you did and you are proud of? Creating a digital fragmented collage about cultural identity and getting published! What’s your favourite cocktail? Moscow mules if that's considered a cocktailSomething you are good at? Kayaking & Eating & Definitely sleeping :) Do you like small kids? The cute, good ones. Not the spoiled ones that run around the house and doesn't listen to anyone. How are you feeling right now? Fullllll. I just had dinner. What would you name your daughter/son? Not really sure... maybe X and let them change their name when they're 18. What do you need to be happy? To be ok alone Is there some one you want to punch in the face right now? Kind of, yeah. but I don't think I can ever hurt anyone again :( What was the last gift you received? An orange milkshake from Arby's :) What was the last gift you gave? A metal plaque saying World's Greatest Teacher to my manager ❤️What was the last concert you went to? Charlie Puth Favourite place to shop at? ZaraWho inspires you? Lucy Liu How old were you when you first got drunk? Never got shit-faced before How old were you when you first got high? Never got high How old were you when you first had sex? 18 When was your first kiss? Hmm.... I don't remember. It was a while back... like... 12? 14? Something you want to do until the end of this year? Follow a plant based diet Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? Yes. Don't we all have that? But no regrets though... everything that has happened has made me who I am today Post a selfie. Uhhhhhh.... ok will do. Who are you most comfortable around? Mah 2 Best friends :) Name one thing that terrifies you. Cockroaches What kind of books do you read? historical for work and usually they're almost always borderline conspiracy What would you tell your 12 year old self? Be more considerate of others, you asshole. What is your favourite flower? Lily's breath Any bad habits you have? I bite my nails when I'm nervous What kind of people are you attracted to? Smart, humble individuals who aspire to do something great with their lives. What was the last thing you cried for? A friend... is this a repeat question? Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you? Yes... duck fetus, also known as balut and insects. Are you in love? I wish. I heard it was great. Something you find romantic? Just sitting somewhere quite as we watch the skyline 🌃 How long was your longest relationship? Ahhhhh.... official relationship would be 3 months.. and unofficial would be something that's been on and off for about 4 years What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? Chattiness, judgmental, liesWhat are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? Cockiness, doesn't understand the female mind, cowardiceWhat are you saving money for? Traveling How would you describe your bad side? Dark and twisted. Depressed. Sad. Are you actually a good person? Why? To an extent. I try to live a good, simple life. I don't really mess with anyone and stay in my lane. I've been drama free since junior year of high schoolWhat are you living for? I want to do good for the world and humanity. Have you ever done anything illegal? Maybe Do you like your body? Yes. This is totally a repeat question. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? Yes and if I see them again I want to say I'm sorry :( Ever sent nudes? HAHAHAHHA. yes.Have you ever cheated on someone? No Favourite candy? Swedish fish Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it! Nope. Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game? LoLFavourite TV series? Elementary Are you religious? Does God exist? No and maybe? What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? Ecocide. Yes! It's eye-opening. Just read the back cover summary. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? Trying to be vegannnnnnn How long have you been on Tumblr? Years... on and off Do you like Chineese food? Hell mother fucking yeah and DIM SUM. McDonalds or Subway? Subway Vodka or whiskey? Whiskey Alcohol or drugs? Drugs Ever been out of your province/state/country? YesMeaning behind your blog name? It's just me man. What are you scared of? Being forgotten. Being a failure. Last time you were insulted? Haha... every day :( Most traumatic experience ? Getting bit by a dog and then going to some weird voodoo doctor ._. When I was freaking 4. Still have nightmares sometimes. Perfect date idea? Oh, anything' cool as long as we're laughing and having fun! Favourite app on your phone? Tumblr :) What colour are the walls in your room? Beige Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? Yes. Jenn Im Share your favourite quote. There's too many!! Here's one from one of my favorite poems! "Do not go gentle into that good night, Old rage should burn and rave at close of day." What is the meaning of life? Make good with the life you have. Do you like horror movies? YesHave you ever made your mum cry? What happened? Yes. I was crying Do you feel lucky or special in a way? Lucky to be where I am in life Can you keep a secret? Always.