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#now it’s more like I need a cane?? ooh something new to decorate

joyful-soul-collector · 3 years

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50 Christmas Ornaments My True Love Gave To Me

Summary: It was Christmastime in the Stark-Rhodes-Potts’ household, with Tony, Rhodey, Pepper, Peter, and Morgan all sitting at the table. Jingle Bells was playing quietly in the background, and each one of them was working on decorating a clear plastic christmas bauble, a growing pile of colorful ornaments in the center of the table.

The Iron Family gets carried away making Christmas ornaments, and Peter talks to his dad about asexuality

Taglist: @phahbiyah @keep-a-bucket-full-of-stars @clevermuffinalmondpeach @stuck-in-a-fictional-universe @canonismybitch @freckledmountain @hold-our-destiny @not-your-housekeeper98 @misskirkstark @iron-loyalty @skeeter-110 @m3ga1nsp1r3d @nazezdha321 @peterparkerspidgeons @fallenstar07 @baloobird

Let me know if you want to be added/removed! I don’t mind at all either way! Also thank you to @baloobird for beta-reading this for me!

Read on Ao3!

“This was the best idea. Peter, remind me never to doubt you again,” Tony said, gazing at his newly made red and gold Christmas ornament. It was Christmastime in the Stark-Rhodes-Potts’ household, with Tony, Rhodey, Pepper, Peter, and Morgan all sitting at the table. Jingle Bells was playing quietly in the background, and each one of them was working on decorating a clear plastic christmas bauble, a growing pile of colorful ornaments in the center of the table.

“I told you it would be fun!” Peter said with a laugh, carefully pouring a bit of red glitter into his own ornament.

“Told you!” Morgan echoed, despite the fact this activity had been a complete surprise to her and she had told Tony no such thing. Morgan reached forward suddenly, grabbing the white glitter.

“Oh, dear you need to be more careful with that,” Pepper said as Morgan spilled some on the table trying to pour it into her ornament. “Here baby, use the funnel.”

“Finished!” Rhodey said suddenly, nearly startling Peter into flinging glitter everywhere just as Morgan had done. Rhodey held up a bauble that had been painted in three stripes of red, blue, and grey, with “T+R+P=‎⎊” painted in black overtop. It took Peter a moment to realize that the colors were representing each of their Iron Suits, and he said “Awww” along with the rest of the family.

Both Tony and Pepper kissed Rhodey on the cheek, Tony on the left and Pepper on the right, and Peter laughed at the sheepish but adoring smile Rhodey gave them in return. He placed his bauble next to the others and gazed fondly at the colorful pile.

“I think these are my favorite ornaments,” he said with finality.

“Ha! You sure about that? You like them even more than your special War Machine one Pep gave you?” Tony said, an eyebrow raised skeptically.

“He’s a close second of course, but these are my favorite since we made them together as a family,” Rhodey said, grinning happily.

“Aw, you’re extra sappy today, Pops,” Peter teased, putting the top on his ornament, and smiling at the layers of red and white glitter in his candy-cane themed bauble.

“Are you implying that I’m sappy all the time?”

“Not even just implying. You’re sappy. You’re a sappy, mushy, lovey-dovey, man,” Peter said, scrunching his nose at his father, and sticking out his tongue childishly. Rhodey made a mock-offended gasp, and pressed his hand to his chest.

“I’m deeply offended by this. You know I’m not sappy, right Little Mo’?”

“Super sappy,” was all Morgan replied with, clearly more interested in stuffing bits of ribbon in her ornament than she was in the conversation itself. The rest of the family laughed as she continued to fill her bauble, and Tony threw an arm around Rhodey’s shoulders.

“Nah, I think I actually agree with you, Honeybear. These are probably my favorite as well, I can’t believe we never did this before. I almost wish we could make more, we were each only able to make five,” Tony said, looking down at his completed ornaments beside him, a slightly disappointed look on his face. “I had a lot more ideas for what to design.”

“I did too,” Pepper said, looking down at her own baubles, neat and elegant, all themed with the colors of white and gold, unlike the rest of the family, who had gone a bit more wild with their designs.

“Well… who said we’re not allowed to go back to the craft store and get some more?” Peter said tentatively. When all three parents raised an eyebrow he quickly went on. “I mean we have plenty of paint and glitter and ribbon left! We could probably just get some more baubles and have enough supplies to make more--I mean what else are we gonna use this stuff for? Might as well use it up on more ornaments so we don’t waste it, ya know?”

The three adults were now wearing varying convinced facial expressions, though Morgan’s response definitely worked in Peter’s favor.

“Yes! Let’s do it! Pleeeeease???” she said, looking up at them and giving them her best puppy eyes, garnished perfectly with a little sniff.

Peter was grabbing his coat before they even said “yes.”

~~~

“Ya know, I distinctly remember you saying all we had to get was more ornaments, and that we already had enough supplies to make another batch,” Tony said, frowning at Peter, who was gazing at the rows of glitter on the shelf.

“Yeah yeah, I know, but we only got christmas themed colors last time! What if we got something else besides the red, green, white, and blue?”

“Well we got gold and silver too, and a little black--”

“You know what I mean,” Peter groaned with a roll of his eyes. “We could do so much more with some extra colors--Ooh look!” Peter snatched four containers of glitter off the shelf and presented them to Tony. “We could make pride flags! You and me could have personalized asexual pride ornaments!”

Tony sighed at the sight of the bottles.

“Well… that would be cool… I dunno kiddo…” Tony said slowly, pushing his hands in his pockets as he thought.

But Peter suddenly realized what he was doing and his face turned red with embarrassment. He really shouldn’t be asking for things right now, especially when he only wanted these colors because he was feeling a little insecure. That’s not a good enough reason to be spending money on glitter they were never gonna use again.

“I--Um, nevermind, sorry,” Peter said, his hands shaking a little as he reached up to put them back.

“What? No, Peter, I was--”

“There you two are!” Pepper said suddenly, making them both jump and turn in her direction. She made her way over, Rhodey and Morgan trailing behind. “What’re you doing over here?”

“Well the kid’s twisting my arm into getting us some pretty ace glitter,” Tony responded, and Pepper glanced at the bottles Peter was still holding. Peter grimaced inwardly, wishing Tony hadn’t said anything. He didn’t need Pepper to explain to him they can’t just buy whatever he wants just because he’s a little upset.

But she wasn’t angry with him. She snorted, rolling her eyes at Tony’s pun.

“Well if you two get your pride flag then I want mine too,” she said, reaching over and grabbing some pink, purple, and blue bottles, the colors of the bisexual flag, and throwing them in the basket with the pack of ornaments. The knot of nervousness that had formed in Peter’s chest instantly unraveled, and he suddenly felt a lot more at ease about putting his own bottles of glitter in the basket.

“Hey don’t forget mine!” Rhodey said, reaching for the pink, yellow, and blue bottles, the pansexual pride flag, and putting them in too.

“Oh, you guys need the polyamorous flag too!” Peter chirped, snagging the blue, red, and black bottles of glitter. “We can use the gold paint back at home to put the pi symbol on it too!”

All three parents smiled warmly at him, and Rhodey reached forward to ruffle his hair affectionately. Peter remembered when Pepper and Tony had first started dating Rhodey, they’d been so nervous to tell him because they were scared he wouldn’t like it. Peter was only about ten when they told him, and he could tell they had been very worried. Peter colored a picture of the three of them holding hands the next day, and hung it up on the fridge. He found out later that Tony had given it to Rhodey, and Rhodey keeps it in his wallet now, taking it everywhere he goes. And when Rhodey eventually moved in and got married to Tony and Pepper, Peter was extra enthusiastic in helping him get settled, to make sure he felt welcome.

Peter’s always done his best to make sure his parents knew he loved them, and accepted them just the way they were.

But Peter was suddenly snapped out of his memories by Tony’s voice.

“But what about Little Mo’? We can’t have her feel left out!” he said, gazing down his daughter by his feet. But Morgan suddenly held up a large colorful bag, showing off the contents to her fathers, mother, and brother.

“Pom poms!” she squeaked happily. The bag was filled with hundreds of colorful pom poms of varying sizes, some of which were definitely too big to force into the ornaments, but Peter knew that wouldn’t stop Little Mo’ from trying.

“Oh yes, you forgot, Dad,” Peter said, scooping up his little sister and resting her on his hip. “The ‘P’ in the acronym doesn’t just stand for Pansexual and Polyamorous, it also stands for Pom Poms.”

“Oh yes, that’s the new one isn’t it?” Tony said with a snort, now sorting through the glitter in the basket to get rid of repeated colors.

“Yup. Maybe I can get MJ to design a pride flag for it,” Peter said with a smirk.

“I’m sure she would do so happily,” Pepper said, taking the pom poms from Morgan to put them in the basket, and kissing Morgan's head. “Now why don’t you and your Dad get back to the car and buckle Morgan in while your Papa and I get everything checked out?”

A few minutes later Peter walked out of the store with his sister and dad, and Tony was buckling Morgan in her carseat.

“Snug bug?” Tony asked her as he adjusted the straps of her seat.

“Snug bug,” Morgan confirmed with a giggle. Tony smiled and booped her nose, before drawing out his phone and opening up a game.

“Wanna play on Daddy’s phone?” he said, handing it to her and helping her put in the headphones. Then Tony moved back up to sit in the middle row of the van, where Peter was looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

“You never let me play with your phone when I was little,” he said bluntly. “I’m sensing a favorite child has been chosen.”

“Pfft, is that another one of your spidey powers? Your Spidey Sense get upgraded along with your suit?” Tony asked with a roll of his eyes. “No, I just needed her to be distracted.”

“What? Why?” Peter asked with a frown.

“Well, it seems my other bug isn’t so snug,” Tony said, looking at Peter pointedly.

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“What’s up kiddo? You seemed a little worried back there,” he said.

“I did? When?” Peter said, hoping to wiggle his way out of the conversation somehow, stall until his Mom and Papa got back.

“When you were asking about if you could get the ace flag colors. You know I was joking right? I wasn’t actually considering saying no to you, I want you to be able to show your pride however you like,” he said gently. It seems Peter wouldn’t be able to get out of this one.

“No, yeah I know that, it… wasn’t you I was worried about,” Peter said with a sigh. “Part of it I guess was uh, well you know how I get guilty asking for things. I didn’t want to make you spend money on me.”

“Ya know for the child of a billionaire you sure worry about money a lot,” Tony said with a smirk. “I don’t mind spending money on you. You’re important to me, and I have the ability to do it, so I like to. But, you already know that, and I have a feeling the money wasn’t the only thing bothering you. Am I right?”

Peter’s face turned even redder and he glanced out the window to see if his Mom and Papa had come to save the day.

No such luck.

“I uh… Flash said something the other day. Bothered me,” Peter muttered.

“What did he say, kiddo?” Tony said, reaching over to squeeze Peter’s hand.

“…he said nobody would ever want to date someone who was asexual like me. That no one would wanna be in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t, uh--” he glanced at Morgan to make sure her earbuds were still in, “--‘give them any’.”

Peter looked down and picked at a loose thread on his jeans, avoiding his father’s gaze.

“Oh Peter, I’m sorry. That’s not true, there are plenty of people who will love you just the way you are,” Tony said, smoothing a thumb over Peter’s knuckles.

“Yeah, I mean I-I know that in the back of my mind--I mean you’ve got two people who love you, and you’re ace like me, so--so I mean I’m sure I’ll find at least one person, it’s just--” Peter broke off with a sigh. “What if… What if I find someone who’s okay with me being ace, but they’re not nice in other ways? What if there’s only one person who’s okay with me being ace, and it turns out they like, I dunno, hate that I’m Spider-Man? Or they’re even abusive or something? What if the only person who will ever like me is someone who’s bad?”

“Peter, nobody really ever has just one person they’re compatible with. I learned that when I fell in love with Rhodey,” Tony said with a soft smile. “There’s going to be more than one person who’s okay with your asexuality, just like there will be more than one who isn’t. There will be people who are okay with it but are terrible in other ways, just as there will be people who aren’t okay with it but are amazing in other ways.

“And of course, that means there will be people who are just bad for you overall. People who aren’t okay with your sexuality and are awful. But that means there will also be the opposite! There will be people who will be fine with your asexuality, and are also kind, and funny, and will have qualities you love.

“Humans are complex, you’ll never meet one that’s exactly the same as the other, and yet we have the ability to love so many different people, in so many different ways. It’s part of why I fell in love with both Pepper and Rhodey. I love how unique they are.

“Like you said: two people who are so different from each other, and yet they both fell in love with an asexual person like me. And neither of them are terrible, obviously,” Tony said, and Peter laughed, finally looking up at him. Tony smiled and gave his hand a final squeeze. “Basically, of the hundreds of humans your age in New York, I doubt there’s only one person who would be good for you, and even less likely that the only people willing to date you are abusive and awful. It mathematically doesn’t make sense. Throw in the fact that you’re the kindest kid I’ve ever met, and I doubt there’s an asexual-accepting human in the world who wouldn’t wanna date you.”

Peter laughed again, leaning back on the headrest as his chest filled with relief.

“Thanks,” he said quietly. “I dunno what I’d do without you to help me with all this stuff.”

“Of course, kiddo. It’s what Dads are for.”

~~~

An hour later, Peter and his family were finishing up making the last of their baubles, Peter carefully painting the Spider-Man logo on his glittery asexual pride ornament. He was feeling a lot better after the talk with Tony, like a weight had been lifted off him. It even made painting a little easier, despite the fact he was awful at painting.

Rhodey had finished about half an hour earlier, now in the kitchen making cookies while Pepper and Morgan watched Klaus in the living room. The smell of Rhodey’s cookies wafted into the dining room where Peter and Tony were still working. Peter snapped up and sniffed the air, drinking in the scent of chocolate, butter, and sugar, the signature smell of Rhodey’s chocolate chip cookies.

Peter’s stomach gave a deep growl at the scent, whining miserably about how empty it was.

“Wow, someone’s hungry,” Tony said, glancing at Peter’s middle with a smirk.

“I knoooow,” Peter groaned, wrapping an arm around his belly. “I was so distracted by the ornaments I forgot to have a snack when we got home. Dumb super metabolism, I’m gonna starve to death before those cookies get out of the oven.”

“Well don’t do that,” Rhodey said, walking in with a plate piled high with cookies. “Guess you were so distracted you didn’t hear the timer go off either, huh?”

Peter wasn’t listening though. He’d already put his ornament down to let the paint dry and was making grabby-hands at the plate, practically drooling.

“Alright alright, calm down, don’t eat too fast either, you’ll give yourself a tummy ache,” Rhodey said, handing him the cookies. Peter scoffed as he stuffed a cookie in his mouth.

“I’m fifteen, I don’t get ‘tummy aches’,” Peter said through his mouthful of cookie.

“Tell that to whoever got a tummy ache from eating a whole solid chocolate santa in five minutes last week on a dare from Ned,” Rhodey muttered as Peter stuffed more cookies in his mouth.

“That was not a ‘tummy ache’, that was Extreme Christmas Celebrating.”

“It was a tummy ache. You said ‘I have a tummy ache.’”

“I did not--”

“Uhh, guys?” Tony suddenly interrupted. Peter and Rhodey looked at him, and Pepper glanced back from her position on the couch.

“Yeah?” they all said.

“I uh… I think we have fifty ornaments here,” he said, staring wide-eyed at the pile. Peter blinked.

No, no way, they didn’t make that many.

“You sure you didn’t miscount?” Rhodey said, looking at the pile more closely himself.

“Oh I’m sure. There’s fifty ornaments here. We made fifty ornaments,” Tony said.

“That can’t be right, each of us only made… only made…” Peter had been about to say five, but realized that was before they bought the second batch of ornaments. If they made five, and then each made another five…

“Ten. There’s five of us and we each made ten ornaments,” Pepper said in disbelief. “How did we not realize we’d be making ten each? Fifty ornaments?”

They all stared at the pile in silence for a few moments.

“Well, I guess the tree will be a bit crowded this year,” Peter said, taking another bite of cookie. They all laughed, then Rhodey, Tony, and Peter, settled on the couch next to Pepper and Morgan to finish the rest of the movie with them.

Later that day when Peter had a bellyful of cookies, they decorated the tree with their new ornaments, as well as the ones dragged out from the boxes in the garage. And while it was a bit crowded like Peter had predicted, it was the best one they’d ever had, with their pride ornaments glittering in the firelight, and Morgan’s pom pom baubles adding the perfect sprinkling of color to the green branches.

Peter had never seen a more perfect tree.

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hana-bean · 3 years

Text

Close to you (3/7)

I will always be by your side Though I can do nothing else

---

His eyes fluttered open, hearing the faint sounds of chatter from outside his closed bedroom door—all female. Seiya stayed still for a few moments to process his incapacitating physical pain and his surroundings, the decor reminding him of the meeting room from the previous night. After a few more seconds of waiting for the rest of his body to wake up, he also recognized more than one of the voices; Serenity stayed true to her promise by releasing Yaten and Taiki from the detention center.

Seiya staggeringly readied himself for company, taking advantage of the unused toothbrush before dressing in the previous night’s clothes. He grabbed his cane and hobbled out and down the hallway until he happened upon a bright dining room, the chattering voices no longer muffled.

He was met with the scene of a transformed Yaten and Taiki, as Sailor Star Healer and Sailor Star Maker respectively, standing while surrounded by five women including Serenity. She was clothed in a flowy white robe while holding an ornate teacup in one hand as she poked at the purple band on Maker’s arm with the other. The four other women asked questions as they more or less kept their hands to themselves.

“So what happens when you get all sweaty? Does the leather not stick to you?” One woman with long dark hair inquired, rubbing her hips while imagining the discomfort of leather adhering to skin.

“No, actually it kind of expands when we get hot.” Healer answered, mimicking her movements. “The gold part in the middle is actually a separate pair of shorts.”

The gaggle of gals looked at each other with a synced resounding of, “oh” and steady nodding. However, the sight of Seiya was caught by one of them, and a woman with half of her long golden hair tied up in a red bow pointed at him as he leaned on the doorframe.

“Hey, there’s the other one!”

As all eyes were directed his way, Serenity’s gaze was warm and welcoming, paired with a smile emitting breathy laughter. The sweet sound serenaded Seiya’s heart into continuous drumming.

Healer and Maker then immediately charged him, taking him in tight embraces from both sides around his neck and waist, ignoring his grimace.

“I’m so glad you’re okay.” Maker whispered with a sigh of relief.

“What?” Seiya wrapped his free arm around her waist. “Of course I am.”

“These chicks are weird.” Healer’s voice cracked in his other ear, also at a whisper. “I can’t tell if they’re gonna eat us or become our best friends.”

Seiya snorted. “Probably neither. You barely suffice as an appetizer, and you’re mean.”

Healer growled before she pulled away to dead-leg Seiya. While Maker and his cane saved him from completely wiping out on the floor, his wobble was hard to miss.

“Seiya, are you okay?” Serenity approached the trio, a worried expression hovering over her teacup.

“Yes, your highness.” Seiya straightened up as he shot a glare toward Healer, who stuck her tongue out back at him. He softened his face with a smile as he looked at Serenity. “Trying to get used to bowing with one leg.”

“No need to do that! Please sit down!” She shuffled toward a chair at the table and pulled it out.

“You’re too kind, your highness.” Seiya began to make his way over to the offered seat, taking the opportunity to press his cane on top of Healer’s foot using all of his weight. The Starlight’s breath caught in her throat as she let out a quiet squawk, hiding her tears and yelp in Maker’s shoulder.

Once Seiya was seated, the rest of the women huddled behind Serenity to get a better look at the third alien guardian in his male civilian form, all the while blushing at his telepathically agreed-upon handsomeness. However, the queen found herself staring and smiling a bit too long herself and had to be elbowed by a green-eyed brunette to come out of her daze.

“So uh, um... these are my friends and our fellow guardians—Ami Mizuno, Rei Hino, Makoto Kino, and Minako Aino!”

Each woman perked and waved at him when their respective names were said as Seiya smiled and tilted his head forward as a greeting.

“Ooh, Ami, tell them about what you're doing!” Serenity got excited and patted Ami’s arm repeatedly and eagerly, then turned around to wave Healer and Maker back over. While both obliged, Healer seemed to have picked up Seiya’s limp suddenly.

Ami nodded and took out her crystal cell phone from her back pocket, swiping and tapping around a few times before addressing the three foreigners.

“As of five AM this morning, we’ve been scanning a database of alien artifacts and antiques registered with the CTDAAA. Anything considered to have royal, historic, or scientific significance from another planet that is brought to Earth must be registered in this database by law. So if the incense burner you’re looking for is in fact here, theoretically we should find it from this scan.”

Maker cocked her head. “Theoretically?”

“Yes, well, the merchant would have had to register it themselves. Of course, many things are smuggled, especially if it’s illegal or has been reported stolen. Or perhaps they simply don’t want to deal with the paperwork and waiting periods.”

Healer crossed her arms. “So how far along is the scan?”

“A whole point-three percent!” Ami’s voice and expression held sarcastic enthusiasm. “This database does span the whole planet.”

Serenity sighed and shrugged her shoulders. “Well then, I guess the only thing we can do now is eat!”

The rest of the women erupted in agreement and dispersed to find their seats at the table. As Seiya watched Serenity head for the chair next to his, something within him said it was okay to grab for the royal hand. And to his surprise, he was faced with her kind and curious cerulean eyes.

He tried to gulp down his blush and excitement, but the feeling of warmth on his ears told him that did nothing.

“Thank you… your highness… for all your help. And happy birthday.”

She wrinkled her nose as she grinned, squeezing his hand in appreciation.

---

Waiting in the queen’s chambers, Ami, Rei, Makoto, and Minako each gasped and held their breath as Serenity emerged from the bathroom.

“So?” Minako widened her eyes, expecting good news.

Serenity couldn’t bring herself to share in the shared anticipation and shook her head to relieve them of their happy mood. The four women groaned.

“I’m so sorry.” Makoto took the queen in an embrace.

Serenity released a sound between a sigh and a sob, sinking into Makoto’s chest. “What is wrong with me?”

The rest of the group took that as their cue to join in on the hug.

“Nothing is wrong with you.” Rei stroked her back. “You still have plenty of time.”

“But how long will that take? Another four years… four-hundred years?”

“When it’s meant to happen.” Ami rested her forehead on one of Serenity’s buns. “You know Chibi-Usa will be here. You need to trust destiny.”

Serenity sniffled. “Yes, that’s true. But it’s just… I don’t understand why it’s taking so long.”

“It'll happen, Serenity. But on the bright side: at least you can drink today.” Makoto’s mouth twisted in a smile as she pulled back from the group hug.

The others let up as well, allowing Serenity to dab her eyes with the sleeve of her robe and nod in agreement. “Sure. I just wish Mamo was here.”

“Is he still in LA?” Ami furrowed her brow.

“Yes. He was supposed to come back yesterday but there’s been a series of bad storms over there and he’s been stuck. They’re saying flights won’t open up until the end of the week. Then he has to go straight to Canberra.”

Rei scoffed. “That sucks. I’m sorry that happened.”

“Don’t be.” Serenity hugged herself and shook her head. “I’ll have an eternity of birthdays for him to attend.”

“At least we got cute men to hang out with this year.” Minako raised her eyebrows to indicate her impish thoughts. “I call dibs on the short one.”

“Dibs on Seiya!” Rei clapped and raised her hands.

Serenity dropped her jaw in disapproval. “Rei, you can’t call dibs on him.”

“What?” Rei’s jaw also dropped. “Mina just called dibs on Yaten!”

“Yes… but… Seiya’s injured. That’s a little messed up, don’t you think?”

“The man has a limp, he’s not braindead.”

“Okay, but his whole body is still healing! You saw how he almost collapsed this morning—”

“If he’s horizontal, it won’t matter—!”

“Okay-okay-okay!” Makoto, unable to contain her smile, walked in between the bickering duo as she held her palms out on each side of her. She then turned her attention to the fiery guardian, speaking through laughter.

“Rei, it would seem that our queen has already called dibs on Sailor Bar Fighter—”

“What? No!” Serenity tried to sound as offended as possible, but her blush betrayed her.

Ami gasped. “Serenity! How could you?”

“Ami, it’s not like that!”

“You know he does look a lot like Endymion…” Minako tapped her pointer finger to her chin.

“Mina! Don’t!”

Rei rolled her eyes with a smirk, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “Well, I guess since it’s your birthday, you can have him—”

“Rei, stop it!” Serenity threw her hands up before rubbing them down her face in distress and then defeat. “Fine, have at him, and have fun doing all the work!”

“I need some exercise anyway.” She blew a kiss.

Minako looked over at the only two women who had yet to call dibs. “So who wants lanky legs?”

Makoto and Ami met each other’s gazes, their eyes squinted in opposition.

“How should we do this?”

“The old-fashioned way, of course.”

If an arm was covered with a sleeve, it was rolled up. Or if it was bare, it was being massaged in preparation. Both then slapped their right hands together and curled their fingers into each others’.

“One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!”

While the rest of the group was distracted with the competition, Serenity walked over to her birthday bar cart stocked with cakes, pastries, and premade mimosas and poured herself a full flute of the orange drink. As she emptied the glass down her throat in only a few gulps, she secretly hoped Seiya wasn’t attracted to Rei.

---

Please note if you would like to follow this story, I will be updating the rest of the chapters under the tag: hana bean close to you and other iterations of the spacing. I love you all!

#hana bean close to you #hana-bean close to you #hanabeanclosetoyou #hanabean close to you #seiya x usagi 4eva #seiya x usagi fanfiction #seiya kou fanfiction #seiya usagi fanfiction #seiya x usagi

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youidiotprince · 3 years

Text

A Very Merry Ca$hqu€€ns Christmas

“No, Nora! Stay out!” Ava yelled from floor, scrambling to shield her nearly wrapped gift from Nora’s curious gaze. Nora had announced her presence with a quiet knock as she pushed open the door, hoping to catch Ava off guard and glimpse her gift.

“Why can’t I see, hm? If the present isn’t for me. . .” Nora teased, crossing her arms over her chest, feet still planted in the open doorway.

“Because I…” Ava floundered for an explanation that wouldn’t incriminate her, but she couldn’t string together the words. “Just because! It’ll ruin it either way, so you just have to get out.”

“If you say so.” Nora turned to leave, but as she closed the door behind her, she added, “I’m taking this as confirmation that you’re my Secret Santa, though.”

“Nora,” Ava groaned, grabbing the nearest item and throwing it at the now-closed door. When it fluttered to the ground only a foot or so in front of where she sat, she realized it was the glittery green bow she still had to stick atop her present. She’d opted for a more classic look, with red and white striped wrapping paper, thick and shiny, a purchase she’d splurged on for her gifts this year because she’d always liked the crisp lines and folds the more expensive papers made when wrapping. Nora’s gift, which she’d already put under the tree earlier that day, was wrapped in snowman-covered paper, something she’d had leftover from the year before, and maybe the year before that.

Ava peeled the backing from the sticky part of the bow and placed it, perfectly centered where the lines of ribbon intersected on top of her rectangular package. She could faintly hear the tinkling bells of the festive music Nora had just started playing, and she knew that was her cue to hurry it up.

With the package cradled under her arm, she left her room and called out to Nora, “Hey girl, what do you need me to do?”

Nora rounded the corner from the kitchen and eyed Ava’s now perfectly wrapped gift. “Ooh, that looks gorgeous,” Nora said with a mischievous look. “I can’t wait to open it.”

“Yeah, you wish,” Ava taunted with a smile. She placed her gift under the tree and brushed her hands clean of it. “Have you heard from the others yet?”

“Mm, they’re both on their way, they should be here any minute.”

The girls busied themselves plating the snacks they’d prepared and the cookies they’d baked until they heard a knock at the door, the thuds sounding in time with the cheesy Christmas carol playing over the speaker.

“Merry Friendsmas!” Mailin and Fatou shouted together, smiles spread almost as wide as their arms. Mailin modeled a headband with reindeer antlers stuck on top and red makeup on the tip of her nose, and Fatou wore a red and green patterned sweater trimmed with glittery tinsel around the neck, the wrists, and the bottom hem. They both held up their presents, Fatou’s in a wintery blue and silver giftbag and Mailin’s wrapped in what looked like newspaper or scrap paper of some sort. They’d dressed on theme, matching Nora’s all red look paired with a Santa hat and Ava’s cozy plaid Christmas pajamas. After a quiet beat during which they took in all their different looks, the girls erupted in excited chatter all at once, talking over each other in order to compliment and dissect their different outfits.

“That must be so itchy,” Nora told Fatou as Fatou told Ava how much she envied her cozy attire.

“Your nose!” Ava exclaimed to Mailin as she reached out almost close enough to touch it before Mailin flinched away.

“No, don’t ruin it yet. I forgot the lipstick at home,” Mailin admitted sheepishly. “Although it looks like I could just borrow Nora’s.” Nora puckered her red lips in response. She backed out of the way so they all could come in and make themselves comfy. They left their coats and boots in the entryway.

“Mulled wine, anyone?” Nora asked from the kitchen as Mailin and Fatou added their gifts to the pile in the main room and sat on the couch next to Ava. “I’ll be having hot chocolate, so that’s an option too.”

Ava and Fatou shared a look before Fatou answered for both of them, “Two mulled wines, please.”

“Oh wait, I’ll come help,” Mailin said as she leapt up from the couch and joined Nora in the kitchen. “Also, I’ll have a hot chocolate.”

Once they brought the drinks out to the others, they all settled into their easy rhythm, talking about the little details of their lives that had happened since they’d last seen each other, recounting some of their best and worst holiday memories before they met each other. Nora opened up about the year that her mother hadn’t gotten anyone any gifts and Kiki, trying to fix everything, went out and bought Nora a box of colored pencils and a coloring book and Zoe a bracelet-making kit with the small amount of money she had. It hadn’t been much but it had meant the world to both of them. Zoe made each of the sisters a bracelet, and she wondered if Kiki or Zoe still had theirs. Fatou shared that one of the best presents she ever received was a book about marine biology with lots of pictures of marine life. She told them that her brother made fun of her endlessly about it, but he was always looking over her shoulder as she’d read through it.

When they felt like they’d run out of stories, they sang carols and karaoke in pairs until Zoe hollered from her room for them to quiet down, and while the singing might have stopped, they didn’t actually adjust their volume much. Eventually, feeling like a little kid who’d been trying their best to wait patiently for the chance to open presents but who just couldn’t hold it in any longer, Ava admitted, “Girls, I can’t take it anymore. We need to do the gift exchange already.”

“Oh, you’re right!” Mailin gasped, as if she’d completely forgotten about the main event of the evening.

Nora clapped and then wiggled her fingers together excitedly, looking slowly at each of her friends. “Who wants to go first?”

“I will,” Fatou said, straining to reach the gift she’d left with the others. She finally snagged the handle with the tip of her finger, so she pulled it over and sat back upright. “Okay, drumroll please.” The girls started pounding their fists on their legs or on the floor, whichever was closer. “This is for… Ava!” Fatou held the gift out to her with a flourish, beaming.

“Chibi,” Ava said warmly, taking the decently sized bag from Fatou’s hand. It was stuffed with white tissue paper which Ava crumpled into a ball and handed to Nora, who was collecting the trash. Beneath all of that was the edge of a sleek black frame, which Ava pulled out carefully. The frame enclosed a photo of the stars in the night sky with a date underneath: October 2, 2020. Ava brushed her fingertips over the glass, hovering just above so as not leave a smudge.

“It’s a print of the constellations on the first day we all hung out together, when we stole that money,” Fatou blurted. “I know you’ve been looking for things to decorate the place with, and that day is so important to me, to us. This seemed like a good gift because we both love the universe and space and astrology so much.”

“Fatou, this is incredible.” Ava’s voice was full of genuine awe. “Seriously, this is perfect, I love it so much. We should all have one of these, honestly.” Nora and Mailin were craning their necks to get a better look, so Ava passed the print to them. As they admired it, Ava turned to Fatou. There was no way Fatou could know just how much this meant to her. How lame and lonely and insecure she felt before as she tried to rebuild her life here without a solid friend group, how difficult it was to watch other people find these friend groups that seemed like they’d last for life while Ava had paper thin friendships that were haunted by the words of her bullies, the doubts and fears they’d implanted in her. Ava felt as though this group of girls, this group of best friends, had finally allowed her to embrace herself with the confidence she had only ever faked before. Fatou couldn’t know how much that day meant to her in particular, but still, it felt like maybe she did, at least a little bit. “Thank you, Fatou. Really.”

“You’re welcome, Ava,” she said as she rested her head on Ava’s shoulder and snuggled closer, patting Ava’s knee tenderly.

After a few moments, Ava offered, “Okay, I’ll go next, and we can just go whoever receives the gift can give the next one? If that works out.” Everybody nodded so Ava grabbed her gift and settled back down on the couch. “Okay, this lovely, award-winning wrapping is for none other than… Mailin.”

“I get the best wrapped one,” Mailin said as she excitedly took the present from Ava and shook it next to her ear. When she brought it back down in front of her, she hesitated. “I almost don’t want to open it! But alas,” she said, and with that she ripped open the paper to reveal a jewelry box with a brand label printed on it that she’d never heard of. When she lifted the lid, she saw two sets of earrings, one set of green and blue tie-dye rectangular pendants with “climate” engraved in one and “justice” engraved in the other and one set of large globe earrings.

“They’re made from completely recycled materials, and the proceeds went to a campaign for climate justice here in Germany. And they just seemed so you,” Ava explained, motioning between the new earrings and the earrings Mailin was currently wearing, which were big candy canes dangling from her ears.

“No, these are awesome, I’ve been trying to develop my collection of fun earrings. These are fun and make a statement. Thank you. Okay, my turn.” Mailin jumped up to grab her newspaper package. “Special eco-friendly wrapping,” she boasted. “Hope you enjoy.” With that, she handed the gift off to Nora without much ceremony, which added its own bit of surprise.

“For me? Ah, okay, I’m excited,” Nora said as she tore into the newspaper. Underneath it all was a thick stack of shipping labels, some used and some unused. The used ones were obviously an attempt at recycling, which Nora appreciated. The sticker at the top of the stack already had a note on it, which must have been written by Mailin, as it said, “Coupon for free shipping label retrieval and delivery for a year. Ask and you will receive.”

“Those are what you used to do your drawings on when you left them around the city, right? I know you’ve probably worn yourself out with all the drawings you’ve done for our shirts, but as a token of appreciation for all of that, I will provide you with shipping label sticker things whenever you need them.” Mailin finished her explanation with a proud smile.

“This is really thoughtful, Mailin. I’ll definitely take you up on this coupon offer,” Nora said with a wink. She then turned to Fatou. “So it’s just you and me,” Nora joked, handing her gift off to Fatou.

“This box is light, I wonder what it could be,” Fatou said as she ripped off the paper. She was only teasing Nora about the weight of the box, but when she opened it all the way and looked inside, it really was empty. Just completely empty. Fatou looked up, confused, and made eye contact with Ava. Ava’s stomach lurched. It couldn’t be. Had Nora forgotten a gift? She wouldn’t do that to Fatou, would she? And if she had forgotten, why would she just wrap an empty box? She hated herself for thinking it, but after everything she’d been through, she couldn’t keep the thought away that maybe this was a prank, that maybe Nora’s friendship with all of them was some kind of prank. It was just a nagging thought in the back of her mind, it couldn’t possibly be true, but she still couldn’t ignore it, not completely.

At the same time, Fatou and Ava turned to look at Nora, trying to work out what exactly was going on, but she was engrossed in something on her phone, her lips turning up into a smile. How could she be so callous?

“Nora,” Fatou started, voice quiet and hesitant. Before she could say more, three phones buzzed with a new message, and Nora looked up, smile growing. Fatou had planned to ignore the text, but now she was suspicious. She grabbed her phone from her pocket and opened the message, her phone redirecting her to WhatsApp. There, in the ca$hqu€€ns groupchat, was a collection of stickers, some actual photos and some drawings, of axolotls. The drawings had the axolotls pulling funny facial expressions, emoting in different ways. A smile here, a frown there, a wink and a stuck-out tongue. Fatou felt Ava exhale beside her.

“I’m sorry for the empty box, I wanted to give you something to unwrap even though the gift was virtual, but my timing ended up being kind of off with that one,” Nora said, sheepish. “And they’re not exactly emojis, but they’re close, right?”

“My axolotl emoji,” Fatou said almost dreamily.

“Nora, these are awesome,” Mailin chimed in from beside her.

“Thanks. If you want any other facial expressions, just let me know.”

A content silence stretched between the girls, everyone feeling comfortable and warm, processing the gifts they’d just given and received.

“Guys, this was so great, I… you don’t understand how happy I am right now. You guys are the best.” Ava’s heart swelled with something that felt like pride, maybe, that these were the people she chose, that these were the people who chose her. Of course Nora wouldn’t let any of them down like that, not on purpose. None of them would. They all loved and respected each other too much. “The ca$hqu€€ns were written in the stars, you guys. We were fated.”

At Ava’s moment of vulnerability, all of the girls rushed to wrap her in the tightest group hug, falling all over each other and ending up in a messy pile of cuddles. Limbs tangled and faces smushed, and when they finally started to pull away a bit, Mailin took one look at Ava’s cheek and sighed.

“Oh no, I smeared my nose on your cheek.”

#alteradventcalendar #druck #druck fic #cashqueens #ava pereira #fatou jallow #nora machwitz #mailin richter

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7team7 · 4 years

Text

Making his list

Summary: The holidays are a busy time, so when Sakura is out of commission due to her pregnancy, Sasuke takes matters into his own hands. Modern AU, pregnant Sakura, good househusband Sasuke. [2.3k words]

A/N: sorry this is late, but happy holidays everyone!! This was the most voted option on twitter, but office au coming soon enough I guess!! Stream The Carol by Haseul and Christmas Tree Farm by TS

Sakura adored the holiday season. The chilly weather gave her the perfect excuse to cozy up near a fire with a mug of hot cocoa. She loved finding the perfect gifts for her friends and family, finally spending some of her hard earned money. She always marveled at all the decorations and loved taking the time to bake the sweetest confections. The hospital was busy as usual, but it was honestly fun to treat kids who had maybe eaten a bit too much sugar.

But as a pregnant woman, she just couldn’t keep up as well this time around. The normally welcome weather seemed to be more biting than usual and her pregnancy made her more tired. She was so busy getting things for the baby, she had less time to shop for other gifts. Being on maternity leave meant she had both nothing and everything to do. The thought of decorating and baking for hours on end made her feet ache.

Sasuke hated the holidays. It usually served as a reminder that his family was dead and he was all alone. People seemed to forget how to drive when it rained or snowed and lines were always too long everywhere.

But when he married Sakura and got her pregnant soon after, he found himself changing his mind. He couldn’t wait to watch her in action around their home. They’d been friends long enough that he’d received some of her incredibly thoughtful gifts and seen all the traditions she liked partaking in, but it was different now that they shared a home together. When they were just dating, he couldn’t hog her as much as he did now. He used to think Black Friday was ridiculous, but he had a feeling he’d be clambering over all the other parents for the toys his child would want next year. Why pass up a good sale?

[continued under the cut]

The night of December 1st, Sakura gave him a gift, claiming she just couldn’t help it. Sasuke unwrapped the shiny paper and opened the box to be faced with the ugliest ugly holiday sweater he had ever seen. It was red with white stripes and had a huge picture of the Grinch in the middle. “It’s funny, right? Because you’re kind of grumpy like him, but you just need a little holiday spirit to make your heart grow!” Oh yes, being likened to the Grinch did not make him very happy, but his wife did make his heart grow three sizes.

He pulled it on immediately over his t-shirt. Sakura’s eyes were practically sparkling. “Thanks for buying one that’s not itchy. Where’s yours?”

“Oh,” she bit her lip softly, like she hadn’t even considered matching like she usually wanted. She disappeared into their closet and pulled hers out—covered in candy canes and jingle bells.

“Um,” she said as she stuck her head through the collar, “I don’t think it fits me right now.” Her eyes immediately welled with tears. She loved this sweater and the hormones were not helping. She’d had it forever, so it was a little tight now that she was older and taller, but she couldn’t even get it past her belly.

“Uh,” Sasuke grappled with his words in an attempt to make her feel better. He hated seeing her cry, especially over something so menial. Sakura normally loved the holidays, and he had seen her wear that sweater at least once every year since he’d known her. “You can just wear it like this, right? With a shirt underneath or something? It’s just kind of a crop top now.”

Sakura looked up at him, more tears coming, “But then the baby will be cold!” Sasuke immediately yanked his sweater off and put it back in the box. “It’s okay, I just won’t wear mine until next year. We can match with the baby next year or something,” he said as he started helping Sakura out of her sweater. That easily helped cheer her up.

“Oh, Sasuke, we’re going to have a baby by this time next year! We’re going to buy so many toys I can’t wait!” She started babbling excitedly about the stages of development and what kinds of learning and playing kids did at what age and Sasuke decided this was much better than crying over an ugly sweater.

“We’d better get our tree soon before all the good ones get taken. I want to have it up all month so we can enjoy it,” Sakura mentioned to Sasuke the next day. She had started sorting through decorations after breakfast. “It smells so good and makes the house feel so much more festive. Hanging up ornaments is always fun, I even got a new star to put on top this year.” Sasuke simply nodded and started clearing their plates while she continued digging through boxes.

“I’m going out,” Sasuke announced after he finished washing the dishes. It was the weekend and they normally enjoyed reading the newspaper on the couch together after cleaning up, so Sakura was a bit confused. “Do you need anything?” he asked as he gathered his coat and scarf.

“Yeah, the perfect Christmas tree,” she joked. “No, I’m just going to be unboxing decorations here. Ever since we moved into this house I keep forgetting where I put everything so it’ll take me a while.”

Sakura had only managed to hang a wreath and put on some holiday music when Sasuke returned home.

“I brought you something,” he said gruffly as he propped the door open.

“Ooh, an early present? But why not just wait a little longer, darling?” Of course, Sakura loved receiving gifts from Sasuke because they were always things only he would think to give her, but she could wait.

“You said you wanted it now,” he said as he hauled in a huge evergreen tree. It wasn’t in a net like the ones they had at lots and it even had snow dropping off the branches. The thick trunk looked like it had taken a real beating.

“Sasuke,” she asked slowly, “did you chop this down yourself?”

“Of course I did,” he said matter of factly. “You said you wanted the perfect one and I found it for you. I just strapped it to the top of the car and brought it back. This one is way better than anything at those overpriced lots. It’s fresh,” he added, as if she didn’t notice. The snow was beginning to melt all over their floor.

“You’re not really allowed to do that, but thank you.” She didn’t even want to ask where he chose to cut it down because no matter the location, it probably wasn’t legal if he returned so quickly. She pressed a kiss to his cheek, still a bit cold from spending time outside. “It really is perfect,” she praised after she got over the shock. It seriously was a lovely tree. Sasuke was just the type of person who did things his own way, she supposed.

“If I put it in the corner, you’ll decorate it, right? Just call me when you need to put the star on top. I don’t want you falling.” She gave him another kiss and let him be on his way to read the paper they missed that morning. He didn’t end up going far, though, preferring to observe the way she danced around the tree and got excited every time she opened up an ornament she had forgotten about.

“Damn it, I completely forgot that I have Ino’s holiday brunch tomorrow. I promised to bring my usual cookies, but I’m beat.” Sakura had just finished eating dinner and decorating the house when she realized there was still more to do. She had already purchased all the ingredients from the store but there just wasn’t enough time in the day. She sighed, “I guess I’ll have to go pick something up on my way tomorrow. I’m sad, they’re such a tradition at this point.”

Sasuke knew which cookies she was talking about because he liked them too. She made them spiced enough for him to enjoy, so he found himself a little disappointed by the thought that they might not happen this year. “Why don’t you just go to bed early? No use in stressing over cookies. I’ll be there soon.” Normally Sakura preferred to fall asleep with her husband there to keep her warm, but she was too tired to argue or even think. Sasuke kept the heater on high and made sure she had an extra blanket before he tiptoed back into the kitchen.

If she wanted the cookies, he would give her the cookies. Surely he could make cookies. How hard could they be?

It turned out, cookies that tasted the way Sakura made them were very difficult to pull off. He even managed to pull out the original recipe, but it seemed like so many tweaks were made that he had to make several test batches before he got anywhere close.

At some point in the middle of the night, he baked himself into a frenzy and produced some damn good cookies. At least the oven made the house warmer, and the kitchen smelled divine. He crawled into bed beside his wife, not caring if he was covered in flour and sugar. As long as she was happy.

Sasuke was normally a heavy sleeper, but he was roused by Sakura’s shrieking in the kitchen. Fearing that something was wrong, he bolted out of their cozy bed with his eyes still half closed.

“Look, Sasuke, my cookies! Who made these?” He had even taken the time to arrange them into a neat pyramid on one of Sakura’s fancy platters. He hoped they would taste good, but even if they didn’t, at least they looked presentable.

Sasuke rubbed his bleary eyes, glad nothing was wrong. “Dunno. Maybe Santa was feeling generous and gave us cookies instead of eating everyone else’s.” Sakura beamed at him and took one off the top to bite into.

“Mm, they’re perfect! You did such a good job Sasuke! What a perfect surprise. Here, try,” she broke off a piece and handed it to Sasuke.

“Breakfast of champions,” he muttered after he finished chewing. He gathered his excited wife into his arms and planted a kiss on the crown of her head. He was tired, but it didn’t really matter because she was happy. He absentmindedly rubbed her pregnant stomach, wondering if their baby would like these cookies too.

“Thank you, you’re the best. Now go back to sleep while I get ready to go,” Sakura said to him.

After changing and finishing her hair and makeup, Sakura walked back to their bed to pull the covers up towards Sasuke’s chin. He kept his eyes closed but mumbled, “drive carefully, please. The roads are supposed to be a bit icy today.”

He was still in bed when he received Sakura’s text that she made it to Ino’s safely. She also sent him a picture of Ino’s house covered in lights, telling him to remind her that they need to put lights outside. It looked tasteful, but Sasuke had a feeling Sakura wanted something a little more over the top and festive. He tossed his blankets to the side and started getting ready for the day. If she wanted lights, he would put some lights up. And it would look better than everyone else’s in their neighborhood.

When Sakura returned home, she honestly didn’t notice. She was too exhausted from all the talking and eating she did at Ino’s. She walked into the house feeling ready to spend the rest of the day with Sasuke. She’d have to give him extra kisses to thank him again for the cookies. And the beautiful tree sitting in the corner of their living room.

“How was it?” he asked as he welcomed her in. One simple question got her talking for a while; she filled him in on anything and everything, from Ino’s decorations to the food to how her girlfriends were doing. “Oh and did you see the picture I sent? Her lights looked really nice, I’ll have to remember to put our lights up soon too.”

“Mhm. Do you notice anything different about the house?” “We have to turn some lights on in here, it gets dark so early in the winter,” she mused as she got up to switch the light on. Sasuke followed her and prevented her from doing so. “No, look outside.” Sakura moved away from the light switch, expecting to see fresh snow that had started falling after she had gotten home and only Sasuke noticed. When she got to their front window, she gasped.

Their lawn was decked out with bright lights, from a snowman to a reindeer to their front pathway lined with lights. She looked up and noticed the roof covered in lights too. She hadn’t noticed partially because they weren’t on when she got home during the day. Her eyes welled with tears as she opened the front door to step outside and get a closer look.

She surveyed their house, lined perfectly with twinkling lights. Their house looked much more festive and cheerful than anyone else on their block. “Did you do this?” she asked Sasuke who followed her out to bring her a coat.

“Glad you finally noticed,” he teased. “You said you wanted lights, but I wasn’t going to let you climb on a ladder while pregnant. So I put up the lights. I bought a few more because I figured you’d like them.”

“They’re perfect!” she exclaimed, giving him a big hug. She looked up at his handsome face, softly illuminated by all their new lights. “You’ll have to do this next year too. And make the cookies. And get the tree.”

He rolled his eyes. He’d gotten sucked into the holiday madness because of this dynamo of a woman standing before him. He was really in it for life. “I’ll have to put it on my list, I guess.”

“I promise I’ll be really nice to you,” she giggled as she pulled him back inside where it was warm.

“I won’t mind if you’re a little naughty,” he murmured as he pinched her hip playfully.

She stuck her tongue out at him, “Hey! The baby can hear you!”

A/N: I just love writing ss as same-same-but different in the intros, if you read a lot of my works you’ll notice that, but they’re just so easy to write like that lmao it makes me happy when people tell me they like the way I portray them because sometimes I do fear I’m just writing them as these not complex, static characters but. It be like that as a writer :-)

#sasusaku #fan fiction #happy holidays #my writing #one shot #my formatting is the most inconsistent thing in the world lmao

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dregstrash · 5 years

Text

Fever Dreams and Shadow Games

A/N: Co-written by the amazing and talented @wafflesandkruge and we’re so happy to finally be able to share this with you all!

You can also find it here on AO3

Tagging: @aditiiparasharr @strummoner @itsbrilliantjustlikeyou @but-she-was-aelin-galathynius @shadowbusiness @privateerrezni @roonill--wazlib @the-jennster @the-regal-warrior @kazual-crow @ipizzippy

CHAPTER 1: Deals with Demons

Dark tents, the thrum of over-eager bodies, men and women in painted costumes. Nikolai smiled to himself as he looked at the display before him, and couldn’t help but feel at home. After growing up in a household with a father who was on the border of being a rake, and a mother who thought herself a queen, his childhood felt like a constant dance of endless parties that swirled around painted clowns and false tricks.

He took a deep breath and inhaled the sharp smell of sweat, popcorn, and sugar interlaced with the smoke that had become a permanent feature of the London sky. He could practically taste the excitement and the mystery in the air, and he wished that he could join the smiling crowd who “oohed” and “ahhed” at the displays of the sideshow and the decorations set up. But he couldn’t. Tonight wasn’t the night for his attention to be captured by the mystery of the Cirque de Lie. He kept his gaze low and on the people surrounding him. He strained to spot any sign of the messenger that was supposed to meet him. He took his pocket watch out to mark the time.

He’s late, he thought snapping his watch shut.

Nikolai had no choice but to follow the line of people inside the big top tent and search the stands for the section printed on his ticket. That’s when a raggedy boy ran up to him. A small silver crow pin was fastened to the side of his cap.

“Note for ya, Mister.” He said, shoving a scrap of paper into Nikolai’s hands.

Nikolai nodded and dropped a few shilling into his waiting palm before moving to the side, away from potential prying eyes. By the dim lantern light, he squinted and deciphered the untidy and familiar scrawl.

“West end tent, half-past midnight, don’t be late, don’t be followed. -K”

Nikolai smiled at the brevity, then made sure to light the note up with the set of matches he had in his coat.

The note caught and was soon nothing more than another pile of ashes trampled into the packed dirt floor.

The lights began to dim, and string music struck up from an unseen section of the stage. Nikolai found his seat, and let himself relax slightly. The beat of strong drums reverberated through the space, and in a flash of smoke and a bang, Kaz Brekker, Ringmaster of the Cirque de Lie, emerged from the fog resplendent in his signature suit and top hat. The crowd roared in delight. Nikolai just smiled.

Yes, tonight was all about business, but Kaz did put on a spectacular show, and he would be a fool to not enjoy himself.

It was the circus after all. ---

The tents at the west end of the encampment were cloaked in shadows. To Nikolai’s understanding, this was where the performers and crew members retired for the night. But as of right now, the canvas stood empty and stoic, betraying no movement or life.

The sounds of the dispersing crowd had all but faded into the night, and the comforting glow of the lantern light was nowhere to be found.The only thing that gave Nikolai any sense of life was the large, hulking form of a man in front of the grandest tent in the space.

Nikolai opened his mouth to state his intent, but the man just gave him a once over and jerked his head towards the tent.

“He’s expecting ya, sir.” He said gruffly.

Nikolai nodded, and stepped into the dark tent. A warm fire blazed in the center of the room where an opening had been made to let out the smoke, and sitting in a large desk right by it was the man of the hour.

“Lantsov,” Kaz rasped as a greeting.

“Mr. Brekker.” Nikolai said back, not waiting for an invitation to take a seat in front of the oak table. “Fantastic show as always.”

He huffed, neither confirming or denying the statement.

“You’re running for chairman of the city council.” Kaz hadn’t looked up from whatever he was reading. “You’re losing.”

Nikolai chuckled, “I hope you didn’t waste any of your good spies for that bit of information, Brekker. That’s not a secret.”

“No, it’s not. But what is secret is the fact that you’re a Red sympathizer.”

Kaz’s dark eyes met Nikolai’s, and he fought the urge to tense at the accusation.

“Rumors and speculation are hardly good basis for fact.”

“Yet they all have a little bit of truth hidden within their folds.” The young man leaned away from his desk, sinking further away from the light of the fire. “It’s also the reason why you’re losing to the likes of your idiot older brother and that eccentric duke’s son.”

“I didn’t take you as a politics man.”

“I’m not. I tend to be on the side of those who could be most useful.”

Nikolai raised his eyebrows at that. When he didn’t say anything, Kaz continued.

“Talk like that might get you support from the suffragettes, the factory workers, and some of the quieter nobles, but that means practically nothing. Those kinds of rumors only alienate you from the other councilmen, and those are the bastards that apparently matter.” Nikolai didn’t bother ask where he got that information. Kaz always had a way of knowing things that he shouldn’t. It made him a terrifying enemy, and an indispensable ally. “What you need is the police chief’s endorsement to sway the vote to you.”

“I might just fire Zoya as my campaign manager, and hire you instead.” he said, grinning.

Kaz’s face remained still. “I doubt Nazyalensky would let you live if you were to deliver that kind of news.” He shrugged. “Besides, you couldn’t afford me.”

“Yes, I suppose you’re right.” Not being able to sit still, Nikolai got up and started to pace in front of the desk, “Don’t think you’ve concocted some brilliant plan, Brekker. I know that I need the police chief’s endorsement, but the fact of the matter is that Rollins hates me.”

“Rollins hates anyone with a spine.” There was a sharper edge to Kaz’s words that had Nikolai looking back at him. A brief flash of absolute murder flickered in those dark eyes, before returning back to its indifference. Had he imagined that?

“I suppose this has something to do with the information you have for me tonight.”

This time it was the boy who grinned, a sharp and wicked thing that would make hardened soldiers flee. “You were always a smart one.”

Kaz got up and limped over to where Nikolai was. He caught sight of the crow head cane supporting most of his weight. Not for the first time, Nikolai wondered what had happened to the boy who was four years his junior. He was far too young to have fought in the War, but the haunted look in his eyes always reminded Nikolai of the older soldiers he sometimes paid visits to. He had never asked about Kaz’s past, but he highly doubted that he would answer honestly anyway.

“Here.” Kaz handed him a sheet of parchment. He squinted and read the contents of the note.

“A shipment of Parem? In London?” Nikolai said incredulously. While the use of opium, cocaine, and morphine ran commonly enough in the streets, there have been whispers of a newer and more intoxicating drug being distributed amongst the slums and the coast.

Kaz nodded grimly. “Rollins is supervising the shipment and distribution himself.”

“If people knew...that would ruin him.” Realization flashed through Nikolai’s mind, and he almost laughed outright. “You want him ruined.”

“I want him eviscerated.” Another flash of that feral emotion, disappearing just as fast. “But I’ll settle for ruin for now. With him gone whoever’s the next in line to take the position could be more in your favor.”

“Why?” Nikolai said crossing his arms, giving his companion a long look. If Kaz had any sort of ulterior motive, his face betrayed nothing. “Why help me?”

He shrugged. “You and I have a shared interest for the moment, and like I said, you’re useful to me. Like I can be useful to you.”

“You sure know how to woo a man, Brekker.” Kaz gave him a blank stare, and Nikolai sighed as he fought the urge to run his hand over his face. “So you want to help me get elected?”

“Not necessarily, but I can run Rollins out of office.”

“I’m assuming that the future of a better London isn’t going to be payment enough?” Nikolai paused and weighed the cost in his mind. Zoya would hate him for even considering Kaz’s help. “Usual bounty for exposing corrupt politicians is five thousand pounds, I’ll give you ten.”

“I’m not in the business of doing charity, Lantsov. Rollins has been re-elected three times with no one stopping him, and I’m getting rid of an official that’s been a pain in your ass for the last year. I’ll take thirty.”

“Thirty thousand pounds?!” Nikolai exclaimed. “What makes you think I have that kind of money?”

“I could ask for more if we are basing this off of what I know of your inheritance.” He rested his hands on his cane, giving Nikolai a self-satisfied smile.

Nikolai scowled. Thirty thousand pounds was a lot, but then again how much did he spend on travel and campaign expenses in the last month? And what did that get him? An overzealous mob who could promise him nothing. Thirty thousand pounds could get him an endorsement, and on top of that Rollins’s reign of terror would finally come to an end. Surely, the benefits outweighed the cost.

Kaz Brekker was a man who dealt in tricks and secrets. He was an untrustworthy showman with a strong likelihood to ruin Nikolai’s reputation. However, he could be the only solution to this situation. Zoya’s glare surfaced in his mind, and Nikolai pushed the image away. He’d deal with her reaction later.

“You have a deal, Brekker.” Nikolai extended his hand. “Thirty thousand pounds to expose Rollins and help my campaign.”

“One last thing,” Kaz’s smile was a razor blade and Nikolai had a sinking feeling that he was the one to get more out of this bargain. “If we’re jumping into bed together, I’m going to need you to trust me.”

Nikolai felt his brow furrow. “As a rule, I don’t usually trust people whose livelihoods depend on tricks.”

“You’re going to have to make an exception. No questions. No pestering. Just your trust that I’ll get the job done.”

Nikolai opened his mouth to clarify, but thought better of it. Some things were best left to mystery, and when the hammer came down, he had an inkling that he would rather be kept in the dark to whatever Kaz was planning.

“Fine.” Nikolai thought for a moment, flicking at a nonexistent piece of dust on his suit.

“One last thing: I’m going to need an invite to that big fancy party you have tomorrow at Smeet’s house.”

“Be careful, Brekker, any more conditions and I’ll start to think you’re cheating me.” The younger man didn’t respond. “And why, pray tell, do you need to go to the house of one of the most sought out lawyers of the city?”

“I thought you’d trust me.”

“A decision I am currently regretting.” Another pause, and Nikolai sighed, “Alright. I’ll make the arrangements.”

“The deal’s the deal then.”

They shook hands, and Nikolai fought the shudder that tingled at the back of his neck.

What was it that his mother said when he was a child?

“Be careful of quick demons for they make deals in the dark and then eat your heart in the sun.”

--------

Kaz left the main section of his camp as soon as Nikolai left. His leg was aching again. It was always worse in London. It was as if the injury remembered its origins and was making sure to remind Kaz that it was his fault for its misery.

He rubbed at the place above his knee before he crossed a hidden slit in his tent that led to the dining area. There were few things Kaz learned during his time with Haskell, but the one that really stuck was the need for a ringleader to have space. Haskell had settled for a medium sized tent furbished with liquor and whatever old men filled their time with. Kaz didn’t want to settle. He made himself an entire space that guaranteed separation and privacy.

The sounds of his most trusted crew members eating and drinking did little to relax him, but it was a familiar sound at least.

“Ah, the mighty ringmaster makes an appearance.” Jesper grinned. He was still wearing the sparkling green pants that was part of his costume, but his exposed brown chest glinted warmly against the lanterns lit in the space. Kaz didn’t miss the way Wylan’s eyes kept straying over to his friend’s display of skin, and Kaz rolled his eyes at the slight blush that was staining his cheeks.

“Fahey, put on a shirt will you?” Kaz said dropping down to the chair at the head of the table. He needed everyone to focus on what he was going to say, and if Jesper caught Wylan staring, that was going to be a whole other headache he didn’t want to deal with.

Instead of following directions, Jesper just grinned and leaned forward on the table. “I don’t mind you staring, Kaz.”

He returned a blank stare. “Well I mind that Van Eck won’t be able to concentrate, so just do it.”

Wylan’s face turned a deeper shade of red. “I wasn’t looking!”

Jesper just gave him a wolfish grin before picking up a discarded shirt.

“What’s so important this couldn’t have waited until tomorrow?” Nina yawned from her place by Matthias’s shoulder.

“We have a job.”

“Like another performance?” Wylan squeaked in an attempt to regain his composure.

Before Kaz could respond, a warm voice materialized behind him. “Kaz just had a meeting with Mister Lantsov.”

It was no surprise Inej had been spying on him, she wasn’t his best spy for nothing after all.

“Ooh…” Nina crooned fixing Kaz with an amused smirk, “Which Mister Lantsov? The stuck-up stupid one or the handsome, Communist one?”

“The latter.”

Matthias’s eyebrows sunk down at the mention of Nina’s description, Kaz was surprised his scowl could deepen further. “The man who claims to be able to fix the class gap and makes false promises to the poor?”

“That very one.” Kaz agreed, taking a long sip from a glass of wine. “And we’re going to help him.”

#six of crows #soc #king of scars #kos #the dregs #kaz #inej #kanej #zoya #nikolai #zoyalai #fdsg #the Grishaverse #soc fanfiction #kos fanfiction

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gigglyirwin · 5 years

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Candy Cane Lane

Pairing: Michael x Reader

Word Count: ~1.6k

Warnings: so much fluff

Prompt: Christmas Lights Around Town

Summary: Michael’s about to go on his first date since his break up, and the night with you is something better than he could’ve ever asked for.

A/N: this is also up late. remember when i said that wouldn’t happen. i lied. sorry. also i realize it’s now the 15th for some of y’all also sorry about that

A/N 2: text messages are in italics in hopes you don’t get confused but you might sorry.

This is day 14 of 25 Days of Christmas. Check out the masterlist HERE!

You chewed on your bottom lip, eyeing your outfit in the full-length mirror. Maybe it was too much for a first date. You tore off the kitted sweater and threw on a black band t-shirt. Now, this was too little for a first date. With a sigh, you took that off as well, the pile on your bed of tried on clothes growing. You pulled out your drawer of shirts, frowning when you could see the bottom.

Your phone dinged on your bed and you quickly grabbed it, seeing a message from your date.

Be there in 15

Fuck. The good news was that your makeup was still done from work this morning, so all you had to do was touch it up a bit. The bad news was your hair was still crazy and you were still standing in nothing but a bra and jeans, now with all your shirts on the bed and nothing to wear.

ok!

You pulled out your pants drawer, pulling out another pair of black jeans and changing into them. One look in the mirror told you no and you were about to give up on getting dressed all together and canceling on him. You grabbed a pair of tight black leggings, hoping that maybe this would be the right choice. You put the black t-shirt back on and slid an oversized jean jacket on, rolling up the sleeves, and paired everything with black boots.

Not too bad, you thought, looking at yourself in the mirror. You checked your phone. Michael would be here in 10 minutes, which meant you had 10 minutes to do your hair and fix your makeup and brush your teeth.

There was a knock on your door right as you spit the toothpaste out. You wiped off your mouth, making sure there was no toothpaste left and that your lipstick hadn’t been ruined. After a double check to make sure you looked okay, you sprinted to the door, unlocking the deadbolt and pulling it open.

You laughed when you saw Michael in a jean jacket, fleece lining the inside of his. He wore a graphic t-shirt underneath, paired with ripped black jeans and vans.

“You look so good,” he complimented, laughing afterward. “Guess we’re twinning tonight.”

“I can go change.”

“No,” Michael protested. “No, it’s cute. I love that we are unintentionally matching. Makes me a little less nervous for tonight,” he admitted, cheeks reddening slightly.

“You think you’re nervous?” you teased, grabbing your purse. You locked your door behind you, turning to face Michael after. He pulled you into an unexpected tight hug but you wrapped your arms around him, reciprocating it.

You hadn’t known Michael for very long. He was more of a mutual friend than anything, but you always crossed paths at parties and he stopped to talk to you every time he saw you. You were somewhat of a groupie, not as hardcore as some of your friends but that’s how you had met Michael. And at the time, he was in a very serious relationship.

He had been with her for three years. They were the best couple you had ever known. His girlfriend was incredibly sweet and you were as close to her as you were to Michael, but you had talked to her more, especially hanging out in the balconies waiting for the boys to perform. It came as a surprise to everyone when they broke up. Michael took time to recover and be by himself and that meant that the band as a whole took time off too, supporting their buddy in his time of need. You were at the first party he had been to since the breakup and he brought you out a beer when he saw you sitting out on Ashton’s balcony.

“I remember you said you wanted to see the lights this year, so I figured I could take you? And if you’re hungry we can stop somewhere,” he rambled as he got into his car.

“‘M not hungry,” you said. “Unless you are, in which case we can stop.”

“No-no,” he stammered. “I ate like half an hour ago, I just wasn’t sure if you had eaten yet. I’m sorry, I-I should’ve confronted you about the plans first, I just-”

You stopped him. “Michael, it’s okay.” You heard him exhale slowly and nod.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t done this in a while.”

“I know. But seeing Christmas lights sounds perfect for tonight. If we get hungry, we’ll find food then.”

Michael seemed less nervous after that, turning up his favorite songs in the car and not being afraid of rocking out to them. You joined him, smiling every time you had looked over at him. He talked about the things he’s been doing in the last six months, told you the inside scoop on the next album and laughed once again about how you both wore jean jackets tonight and how it made him less nervous when he realized you were both matching. He had taken you down to Candy Cane Lane, a light display set up throughout several blocks of neighborhoods. There were cars lined up everywhere, most driving through the displays but you and Michael decided to walk. Michael parked his car a few blocks down, helping you out of it when he had gotten out.

“Can I hold your hand?” He asked after a moment, his eyes focused on your brushing arms. He turned to look up at you when you had taken his hand in yours, his smile going wide.

“Of course you can.”

Michael squeezed your hand then. He felt like the nerves were melting away, and he was more excited now than ever, swinging your interlaced hands slightly as you made your way to the first block of houses. The displays all told a story, linked together and you couldn’t believe how decked out each house was. It made you dream of being able to set up your own Christmas lights in your future house. You were a bit surprised when your thoughts drifted to having a house with Michael and buying Christmas decorations together. You were thankful for red lights that hid the rosiness of your cheeks.

Michael pointed out his favorite displays and you did the same, oohing and ahhing over each house, picking out the best part of each of them. You both took pictures of some of the displays, and of each other. Michael wanted to get quite a few pictures with you, even asking a few strangers to take some of the two of you together. His smile was the brightest you’d ever seen it in the last six months. You never wanted it to end.

The silent trek back to his car was anything but awkward. It was comfortable and your shoulders brushed as you walked together, your hands still interlaced—they had hardly separated all night. You found it silly now that you had been so nervous for the date, when in fact it had turned out to be one of the best first dates you’d ever been on.

“You hungry or anything?” Michael asked when you had made it back to his car.

“Not really. Are you?” He shook his head at your question. He took his phone out to check the time, frowning when he realized it was late.

“I don’t want to take you home, but-” his phone read 11:35.

“It’s okay. It is getting late.”

You two talked the whole drive home. You talked about what kinds of things you did for the holidays and told stories about your childhood celebrations. Michael told you about the best gift he had ever gotten and you talked about the one Christmas where you almost went broke trying to get a gift for all of your friends. Your conversation continued through the quiet hallways of your apartment complex, the hushed whispers still going on as you two stood by your door.

“Do you want to come inside?” you asked, leaning against the wood.

“I do,” Michael said, but then frowned. “But this date has been so perfect and now I need to make it so that you’ll have something to look forward to on our next date.”

You laughed, trying to be quiet but failing and just hoping none of your neighbors complained. “So there’s another date.”

“If you’ll let me.”

“Of course, I will.”

Silence grew between you both but neither of you made an effort to leave. Michael stepped forward, eyes focused on yours, and then your lips, and then back on yours.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered. You couldn’t help biting your lip in an attempt at holding back the smile.

You nodded. “Yes.”

He stepped half an inch closer to you and then was leaning down until his lips met yours. It was gentle and he kept it that way, not wanting to go too far too soon. He wanted this to last. Not just the kiss but the relationship as a whole. He pulled away with a dopey smile, forehead pressed against yours. Your lips tingled where his had once been.

“I’ll text you,” he finally said.

You still felt like you were floating. Michael didn’t leave until you were safely inside, only moving once he heard the click of the lock. You stayed for a moment, just standing at the door with your hand still resting on the knob. Your phone vibrated in your pocket, prompting you to finally move and look at the incoming text from Michael.

I forgot to say thank you for tonight

i think the kiss said enough

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aspiringpolymath · 6 years

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Hallmark Christmas Movies . . . Why Can’t I Quit You?

Like, I mostly disdain them. The vast majority of them are an enigmatic miasma of boring and terrible. But there are some decent ones in the mix, and @tvmoviechristmas nails it by basically saying they are the white noise of the holiday season. Put them on in the background while you clean, do laundry, decorate your house, bake cookies, or do any of the dozens of corny Christmas activities they make characters do in these teleplays. (No, actually. Don’t go skating or sledding or have a spontaneous snow ball fight.)

So far this season (and it ISN’T EVEN DECEMBER) I’ve watched the following movies:

(And let me just explain that I was on vacation visiting my in-laws and there was little else to do for the last 4-5 days):

It’s Christmas, Eve (starring LeAnn Rimes) - Of the two country singers-turned-Hallmark actresses this season, LeAnn is the better actor. But that’s NOT SAYING MUCH. Another ‘save the school’ scenario, this wasn’t bad, just unrealistic. I wish the writers/producers would spend, like, four hours of research time so that they didn’t get all excited that the community raised $20,000 dollars for the music program. (Even crappy school districts pay their music teachers a lot more than that.) However, it’s not the worst Hallmark movie I’ve seen this week.

Christmas at Graceland (or ‘Graycelin’ as Kellie Pickler has it) - Oof. This one might take the prize for worst movie of the season. Kellie Pickler CANNOT act. The girl cast as her daughter? Not much better. They did get the rights to a bunch of Elvis songs and filmed out front of the actual Graceland, apparently, in exchange for being a travelogue about the Graceland resort. But for a format where they don’t have enough time to do multiple takes or teach people to act, they had to cobble together the best of a bad lot (and even incorporate some flashbacks, a sure sign they were struggling to make the minimum length) to make a bad movie.

Christmas at Pemberley Manor AND

Pride, Prejudice and Mistletoe - Listing these two together because they are both supposed to be P & P inspired stories. I think Hallmark sort of vaguely gets that Pride and Prejudice is a foundational inspiration for much of the romance genre, but just CAN’T bring themselves to insert even an ounce of manufactured ire or animosity into their movies, even for plot’s sake. In CaPM, there is a mild confrontation in the first fifteen minutes, but it is quickly resolved and then they’re cozy for the rest of the show.

In PPM, we get Lacey Chabert, who MUST have a clause in her contract stating that she can never be portrayed as anything other than sweet, humble, and/or beatific, because even as an investment trader, she’s thoroughly decent, kind and DULL AS DISHWATER. Brendan Penny provides a nice foil and is good eye candy, but again, there’s no THERE there between these two. They’re supposed to be antagonists, and they spend about 0.7 seconds being less than moon-eyed over each other.

Christmas Joy - One I actually liked!!! Miracle of miracles. There was a plot point that bothered me greatly, however. Joy has to come ‘home’ to North Carolina, because her aunt has broken/sprained her foot SO BADLY that she’s admitted to the hospital, and ends up having to go to a rehab center an hour away for a WEEK, but when she’s released, she uses a cane for one scene, and then we never see it again. Could they not have rented a boot for continuity?

That bit aside, I actually really liked the two leads. They had good chemistry and infused some snappiness that most Hallmark movies lack.

Road to Christmas - Actually, ANOTHER one I liked! You’ve got some more well-known actors in this one, and they elevate the material. Road trip movies are hard to mess up (but believe me, they have), and the interstitial animations of the car driving the route are really adorable. ALSO, we have a secondary character who is HEAVILY CODED as gay, which was both refreshing and frustrating (JUST SAY IT.)

Christmas in Evergreen: Letters to Santa - This was another big MEH for me. Last year’s Christmas in Evergreen was pretty unobjectionable and enjoyable, but this didn’t really build on that story. It was just another story set in the same town with a few of the same characters. They only got Ashley Williams back for a couple scenes (but I did like the line about how she and her boyfriend were only now figuring out their relationship after months of long distance--a refreshing shot of realism.) Overall, it was cloying and the child actor was not . . . great.

Christmas at the Palace - I don’t generally like royal-themed movies, and this was no exception. (The exceptions are: Crown for Christmas and I’m sure there’s at least one other one . . . ooh, the one where the princess comes to New York and wants to be anonymous is pretty good.)

I also don’t love skating movies, and this was both. A royal skating movie. Merritt Patterson is too smooth for my liking. She’s not a terrible actress like some Hallmark stars, but she just doesn’t stretch herself much. Another movie where I liked the secondary romance better than the first.

Reunited at Christmas - This one wasn’t bad! I liked the switch up of the characters getting engaged right away, but the heroine getting cold feet. It was a real to pretend to real relationship journey. There were real motivations behind the characters’ actions, and the secondary characters had unexpected depth.

Christmas on Honeysuckle Lane - I’ve got to give it to them for getting an ACTUAL historic home for this one (if you want to read about my Hallmark-induced aneurysm from last year). I have such mixed feelings about Alicia Witt in these. I feel like she’s both winking at the camera and playing along into the treacly-ness. And I have to say, Colin Ferguson doesn’t seem like the right kind of guy to be in one of these. It felt like he had to take a deep breath before every take and be like, “OK, guess I’m still doing this!” This was . . . massively fine.

A Godwink Christmas - Gaaaahhhhh. When I saw who was starring in this movie, I got excited. Kimberly Sustad and Paul Campbell are two of my favorite Hallmark stalwarts, and I think they could ONE DAY make a genuinely cute movie together. However, I should have known by the title and the presence of KATHIE LEE GIFFORD that this was gonna be . . . not good. It was lawful neutral: really, just not much of anything. “Inspired by a true story”? Oh, really? Is it one of those stories you start to tell at lunch with your friends before you’ve really thought about HOW you’ll tell it and then the waiter comes to take your order right as you get to the only interesting part of it and by the time you get your appetizers everyone has forgotten about it? One of those stories? Because I could believe that.

Non-Hallmark movies:

Christmas Contract (Lifetime) - Legitimately cute, and set in Louisiana, so they didn’t have to spray that stupid soap/foam everywhere.

(part of) Every Day is Christmas (Lifetime) - Didn’t need to watch more than 40% to get it was a bobo version of a version of A Christmas Carol.

Christmas Perfection (Lifetime) - This was a strange brew of Groundhog Day and Freaky Friday, sort of. It’s always weird when they try to add a sci-fi twist to Christmas that doesn’t include Santa. It actually felt like a throwback to an early 2000s holiday movie vibe. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it, but I also didn’t quite like it, either? I think I mainly liked that it tried to do something different, but it did it quite badly. Also, I found it amusing that they clearly filmed the whole thing in Ireland, even the parts that were supposed to be in America.

I didn’t have my computer with me on the trip, or I would have tried to liveblog some of these bitches. Maybe I’ll get to a few off the old DVR soon . . .

#hallmark christmas movies #countdown to christmas

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not-close-to-straight · 7 years

Text

*Christmas* (Chapter Three)

CHRISTMAS MASTERLIST HERE!

Enjoy :)

******************************

(Song-- Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime)

“Hey babe.” Peter smiled up at Wade, tilting his head back so the mercenary could kiss him over the back of the couch. “I was wondering when you would come over.”

“Sorry I had to stop and run an errand--” Wade narrowed his eyes. “What is that? What the hell is that? And what are you listening too? Pete, what the fuck is happening in your apartment right now?”

“What do you mean what is it, it's my Christmas tree!” Peter glared at him. “What's wrong with it? And this is Paul McCartney Christmas music. It's a classic song. How do you not recognize it?”

“What's wrong with it? It's like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.” Wade flicked one of the spindly branches. “Petey what the hell. Don’t be so cheap! I'll give you the fifty bucks, go get a decent tree! And just an FYI just because an old guy sings a song doesn't make it a classic.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my tree.” Peter maintained, reaching for another christmas ornament. “You’re just jealous because you don't have a tree. And stop making fun of my music choice. My Aunt May loves this song.”

“Your Aunt May is like, a hundred years old. And I'm not jealous, Pete, I'm honestly horrified because this is the mangiest tree I've ever seen in my life.” Wade scoffed when Peter hung a candy cane carefully near the top. “How did you even find this?”

“It's the one my Aunt May and Uncle Ben bought me for my first Christmas with them.” Peter finally admitted. “They bought it for me and put it up in my room, because after my mom and dad left, I didn't want to come out. Ever. So Ben got me a tree and bought me decorations, and told me that even if I didn't want to leave my room, Santa would bring me presents anyway. Because I was a good kid, no matter how badly my parents leaving made me feel.”

“Well. I feel like a dick now.” Wade said after a moment of silence. “Damn baby, I'm sorry. I feel like an asshole for saying anything.”

“Yeah, well you should.” Peter mock-glared at him and hopped to his feet, all grace and fluid motion and pajama pants sitting low enough on his hips that if Wade stared hard enough he could almost see--

“--Eyes are up here, babe.” Peter snapped his fingers and Wade jerked his eyes up, offering an apologetic half shrug.

“You’re so pretty Pete.” he teased and Peter rolled those gorgeous dark eyes at him. “So alright. We won’t pitch your Charlie Brown Christmas tree out the window. How about we go buy a big pretty tree and put your little tree up on the table?”

“What's with you wanting a big tree?” Peter wanted to know, gathering the few ornaments he hadn't used and putting them away.

“Ummm….” Wade scratched at his jaw as he thought. “I've just never really done the whole Christmas thing. Could be fun this year. Got that sweet ass of yours to spoil, I haven't killed anyone in a while, we could get a big tree and buy each other domestic gifts and crap… regular people do it, right? We could do it too.”

“Domestic gifts? What are domestic gifts? Like pot holders?”

“Well, we’ll need some for the new apartment, right? I watched you take a pan out of the oven with a t shirt the other day, Petey-pie.”

“We aren't living together.” Peter pressed a warm kiss to Wade’s lips, curling his fingers in his hoodie and urging him closer. “So no, please don't buy me pot holders.”

“Okay, a frilly apron it is.” Wade amended and gave Peter another kiss, and then another, letting the boy pull him down onto the couch and between his legs. “What's going on, Pete? Need some attention?”

“I wouldn't hate some attention.” Peter breathed a laugh when Wade ground against him. “I mean, I know we haven’t done a whole lot of this but if you’re up for it---”

************************

“Okay.” Peter folded his arms and squinted his eyes at Wade. “Remember when we were in the store, and you said, ‘hey lets buy this tree’ and I said ‘no Wade, my ceilings are barely eight feet tall because I live in a shit hole apartment’ and then you said ‘no Pete, they are definitely at least ten feet tall, lets absolutely get the nine foot tree?”

“That's not… exactly how I remember it.” Wade hedged, tapping his chin as he stared sadly at the half assembled tree. “But now that you mention it, I do remember you vaguely muttering something about having short ceilings.”

“Yeah. Vaguely.”

They were silent for a few minutes, looking at what was supposed to be a nine foot tree that was one hundred percent too tall for the apartment, and just looked sad, half assembled and still smooshed from the box.

“Okay. New plan.” Wade clapped his hands. “We take this back and switch it out for a smaller tree. Then I'll decorate it while you bake me cookies wearing something Christmas-y.”

“Oh yeah?” Peter started dismantling the tree. “And what counts as something Christmas-y.”

“This.” Wade pulled another bag from behind the couch, flourishing a santa themed apron. “Christmas-y.”

“Wade.” Peter was trying not to smile as he took the apron. “The bottom half of this is like…like six inches long. And definitely not wide enough to go around my hips.”

“Nope.”

“And you know damn well I'm bigger than six inches.” Peter raised an eyebrow challengingly, making a show of adjusting his pants.

“Ooh baby boy.” Wade shuddered dramatically. “I love it when you talk dirty to me. Taking apron measurements while setting up a tree? My oh my.”

“Oh my god.” Peter laughed and tossed the apron back at the bag before jumping in Wade's arms and kissing him thoroughly. “You’re a pervert but I love you.”

“What?” Wade dropped him in surprise-- or rather would have dropped him if Peter hadn't gone all sticky hands on him so he wouldn't end up sprawled on the floor in a heap. “Sorry. What did you say?” he put his arms back around a slim waist, and tried to catch Peter's gaze.

“Baby boy.” he pressed. “What did you say?”

“That you’re a pervert!” Peter retorted, then his voice softened,. “And that I love you. But it seems stupid to say after only dating a few weeks so maybe we should--”

“I love you too.” Wade interrupted, and the smile Peter gave him literally made him weak in the knees.

“Yeah?” the kid wiggled excitedly in his arms. “Um, yay us.”

“Yay us.” Wade agreed and they looked at each other for a few more minutes before Peter suggested hopefully--

---“Bedroom? For real stuff not just…not just hand stuff?”

“Yep. Right the fuck now.”

**********************************

#ncts christmas #sundays with spideypool #spideypool #christmas fic

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tenroseforeverandever · 7 years

Text

Dear Father Christmas Chapter 6: 24th December, 2021

MASTERPOST

Characters: Tentoo; Rose Tyler; Jackie Tyler; Pete Tyler; Tony Tyler; OC Hope Tyler-Noble; OC Charlotte Tyler-Noble; OC Wilfred Tyler-Noble

Rated: Teen

Tags: Family!Fic; Kid!Fic; Pete’s World; Letters to Santa; Christmas Fic; Family; Fluff; Hurt/Comfort; Angst; Romance; Love

Summary: When Rose Tyler was little, she always wrote a Christmas wish list to Father Christmas. As she grew older, the wish list became more of a letter to someone she could confide in once a year, but she fell out of the habit somewhere along the way. Now, as a new mum, celebrating her daughter’s first Christmas, Rose takes up writing her Christmas letter to Father Christmas once again.

Rose’s Christmas letters are excerpts from her life with her beloved Tentoo and their children in Pete’s World, written once a year, for each of 31 years.

Chapter Summary: Rose is beyond frustrated when the children’s creative intelligence results in an explosion of melted candy canes.

Notes: As always, my thanks to my darling betas mrsbertucci and @rose--nebula for offering their unstinting support and insightful comments. ((((hugs, ladies))))

Thanks to @doctorroseprompts for their 31 Days of Ficmas prompts. A reminder that I am using the prompts very much out of order, but I intend to use them all. The prompt I used today was Candy Canes.

Also read at: AO3; FF.net; Teaspoon

December 24th, 2021

Dear Father Christmas,

Ooooooh, some days I just want to tear my hair out. Today, in case you couldn’t guess, is one of them. It was completely mad! The Doctor aggroed (full Oncoming Bah Humbug), the TARDIS is in a snit, the children are in solitary lock-up until the foreseeable future (imposed by aggro-Doctor), and I have candy cane melted into my hair. The smell of burned sugar is everywhere! And on top of all that we’re expected at Mum and Dad’s in a few hours for Christmas Eve, and I’m not even sure we can pilot the TARDIS in her current state. We’ve been travelling this past week, so Mum suggested we could stay at the mansion overnight tonight and open pressies with them Christmas morning. Honestly I just want to go to bed and stay there for a very, very long time.

Even though it’s completely against everything me and the Doctor agreed on, this is one of those days when it’s really tempting to consider cheating a little with the timelines and stealing a few hours to give us a chance to get it together. It’ll never happen, but it’s sure nice to think about.

Actually, the whole of autumn has been a bit of a challenge, if I’m being completely honest. We decided to do try something new this year. When the school year began in September, we enrolled Hope at her own age level to help her to socialize (that’s another story! Let’s just say, some attitude adjustment was necessary.) That meant taking the TARDIS out on the weekends to explore and educate the children, Doctor-style, which was lovely. But, it also meant the two kiddies left at home during the week whilst Hope was at school weren’t having their intelligence challenged as much as would be considered ideal… for them. It’s a constant battle trying to keep on top of them to figure out what they’ll get into next.

I don’t quite remember why we didn’t enroll them in the Torchwood Nursery… Some nonsense about me needing to be home to do the school-run, morning and afternoon, and since they had each other for company, they might as well stay home too and drive me mental while they were at it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Santa, it was a mutual decision between me and the Doctor. We talked it over and decided since he’s enjoying working in the Torchwood labs so much, he should keep doing it, and he relieves me whenever I really need it. It’s just some days I find myself questioning my life choices...

Anyway, the upshot of it is, this past week, we thought we’d give ourselves a nice break. We took Hope out of school a week early for a few days of hols before settling back to Earth-life over Christmas. It started out great, exploring cave life on Naotol-ri-Pibol one day and observing the process of the Grand Canyon gradually forming over eons from the TARDIS doors the next. (That little trick always floors me: to have the TARDIS hover in one point in space, but move through time, so the evolution of the planet plays out like a time-lapse film before your eyes! Brilliant!) But our final stop, yesterday, was the absolute best Christmas planet in either universe: 63rd Century Yultidia! I know, I know, the name is cheesier than my mum’s festive nutty cheese ball, but it sure makes up for it in many wonderful ways.

You’d love Yultidia, Santa, for a chance to get away. It’s completely impractical and over-the-top, not at all suited for building toys, but still everything’s decked out in Christmas cheer. And there’s so much to do: reindeer-pulled sleigh rides (not that that’s anything special for you), shops, carnivals and amusement parks, ice skating, sledding, and all kinds of other winter sports. There’s brilliant, posh hotels and restaurants, the ultimate hot chocolate, and the most wonderful spas… ever! You can guess where I spent most of my time. You and Mrs. Claus should come and treat yourselves to a post-Christmas massage some year. You deserve it!

(I could bloody use another massage, myself, right about now.)

So, while I was enjoying my day at the spa, the Doctor and the brood went exploring. They went snow tubing and they each got to ride a reindeer. And then they went shopping…

Hope, being the most diplomatic of them all (and not just because she’s the eldest… it’s just her nature) convinced her pushover of a Daddy (she has him wound around every single one of her little fingers) to allow the three of them to buy, in addition to a soft toy each, Christmas decorations to add to Gran and Grandad’s setup this year. Of course they chose the tackiest, most garish multicoloured garland possible. Now I’m not talking about tinsel-garland, yeah. I’m talking about fake metallic tree branches in every shade of the rainbow and then some. A bit naff. Not that Mum would mind one little bit. Even though she’s gone a bit posh, living in luxury these last few years, she could never be accused of being particularly sophisticated in her decorating tastes. And besides if her grandkids want something, her grandkids get it.

They also bought a huge box of candy canes to hang from the garland, and no doubt from other places as well, given the quantity of them. I’m not quite sure what the Doctor had been thinking, allowing them to buy so many. Probably thinking with his sweet tooth instead of his brain.

Anyway, they picked me up from the spa, and we all went to a restaurant to have our tea. Soooo good! They have Christmas Chips! I can’t begin to explain the flavour. Gooorgeous! So after enjoying some hot chocolate and mince pies for dessert we all headed back to the TARDIS. Me and the Doctor left the three kids to play in the console room. They were looking all innocent, oohing and awing over their purchases and plotting where they would hang everything when they got to the mansion. Basically, they seemed content, so we headed down to the family room to watch some Scrooge. Biggest mistake ever… but we wouldn’t know that until this afternoon.

In retrospect, we should have known. The three of them were being awfully quiet for children who were “playing”, but we were just so happy to have a quiet evening to snuggle together, we didn’t want to jinx it. When the movie was over, I went to get them ready for bed. They had already tidied up the garland and candy canes, and Wilf was nodding off, hugging his new stuffie reindeer. I got them all into a bath to wash the glitter off them, then into their new Christmas jimjams and straight to bed. Nothing seemed amiss. Same this morning when I made banana pancakes in Christmas shapes for breakfast, although there was rather a little too much chatter about them getting to see Father Christmas (you!) hiding pressies under the tree this year.

We decided to spend a little longer on Yultidia. They all wanted me to go tubing with them! So much bloody fun! Then we had lunch and bought a pile of Christmas goodies for Mum, Dad, and Tony, and gifts for Hope’s teachers and the folks at Torchwood. They’d get them a little late, but that’s okay. I know you’re thinking “time machine”, Santa, but remember, me and the Doctor agreed not to cheat with the timelines, and anyway, those sweets are worth the wait.

We all bundled back into the TARDIS, and got ready to go: the kids were all buckled in and squirming, so excited to show Gran the garland. The Doctor did his usual dance around the console switching switches and pushing buttons, and I followed behind, making sure everything was set just right, then both of us once again. I know it sounds tedious, but these days… safety first!

Then, the Doctor’s running his hands through his hair and telling me “Something doesn’t feel quite right. Something’s off. I just can’t put my finger on it.” And as he’s fishing for his sonic, I can’t help but see our three little angels giving each other guilty looks and biting their little lower lips. And all I can think is “Oh, bloody hell…”

Next thing I hear is the buzz of the sonic, then a violent rumbling coming from the candy cane box under the console, and I’m throwing myself between it and the children as fast as I can. Flames come shooting out of the box, and the Doctor’s just standing there gawping and saying “What?” over and over. I mean, at this point, Doctor, does it matter?

Suddenly the whole thing explodes, bits of melted and burning candy cane go soaring around the console room, sticking to everything. And believe me, hot candy cane burns are not to be taken lightly. The stuff was everywhere, in our hair, on our clothes (the kids had managed to come out of it with only a little stickiness, thank goodness.) But, worst of all, some of the molten sweet had seeped into the TARDIS controls.

The Doctor lost it. Completely lost it. I could see he was scared shitless. Things could have been so much worse, and he was over-reacting as a result. Like I said earlier, he put the kids in solitary time-out rooms. They were blubbering and apologizing and begging. At least Hope and Charlie were. Poor Wilfred, was just sobbing and sucking his thumb, really frightened and not quite realizing why his Daddy was so angry.

After the kids were settled, the Doctor gingerly ran his sonic over the TARDIS console and deemed it would be hours before she’d be ready to fly again. She just grumbled and dimmed her lights. I wonder if she would enjoy a nice spa treatment…?

Anyway, the Doctor just went down to interrogate the little hooligans, so I’m taking the time to record my letter to you now.

Holy crap! Hang on just a minute, Santa! Now, that plonker is crowing away to the kids about how brilliant they are. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, he is! And they’re all laughing and talking some bloody technobabble language I swear they all made up. I’ll make them laugh, all right! I’ll be right back. Looks like Mummy Scrooge is going to have to step in after all.

--ooOoo--

I’m back! Honestly, that man is such a pushover! If I hadn’t stepped in… The brood may be little but they’re definitely smart enough to learn that they have to be held accountable for their actions. I saw their faces when Daddy thought there was something wrong, and they knew it was probably their doing. So accountability! No matter how clever their little invention was!

So, right now, they’re giving the TARDIS her “day at the spa”. They damaged her, and they can fix her up again. They’re polishing and buffing her, and the Doctor is helping them take apart the damaged bits and they’re all putting them back together. The Doctor’s even letting Hope use his sonic for the really stuck-on candy, and the TARDIS is humming in appreciation. My lovely, baby TARDIS. She’s such an important part of our family and it doesn’t hurt for us to remember that once in a while.

In case you’re wondering, it turns out the little inventors were devising a surveillance system to watch for you coming down the chimney. They had rigged each and every candy cane with miniature cameras they found in one of their father’s storage cabinets. (To answer the burning question that must be on your mind: no, I don’t know why he had them. I think it must have been from when Hope was small and he wanted to be able to keep an eye on her everywhere she went.) Anyway, long story short, they rigged them up incorrectly (they were a bit dodgy to begin with, mind) using some wiring they had pinched from under the TARDIS console that was completely incompatible. So, when the Doctor activated his sonic, he ended up reversing the polarity of the neutron flow (or some rubbish like that) and BLAM! Candy cane fireworks!

All I can say, is thank goodness we found out about it before we got to Mum and Dad’s. Can you just imagine Mum’s reaction to having peppermint-scented goo all over her living room? Blimey, what a nightmare that would have been!

Well, it’s time for everyone to get bathed and dressed again (right into their jimjams, I’m thinking.) Then off to the mansion to put up some rather naff garland (minus the candy canes!), hang some stockings, and as it’s been a very long day, a quick tea and off to bed.

Happy Christmas! Love to all, Santa. And here’s hoping you don’t encounter any exploding candy canes on your travels tonight!

love, Rose

#doctorroseprompts #kid fic #tentoo x rose #christmas fic #christmas fluff #angst #hurt/comfort #family #love #romance #ficandchips #tenroseforeverandever's fic

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viddasaala · 7 years

Text

title: sugar daddy

pairings: willy wonka/linguini

fandoms: charlie and the chocolate factory + ratatouille

summary: after remy and linguini’s restaurant goes under, linguini is forced to accept a job at wonka’s factory, but he finds himself enticed by the candy man’s lunacy.

words: 2.8k (seriously)

enjoy my masterpiece

Linguini stepped in front of the Wonka Factory’s menacing gates. He held Remy in the palm of his hand, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead. His old restaurant with Remy had gone under, and Linguini needed cash. Fast. The prospect of potentially inheriting Wonka’s factory was too great to resist, but in order to do that, he’d need to lie about being a master chef. Again. Linguini would be lying if it was just the money that enticed him. Wonka was elusive and mysterious, and it piqued his curiosity like never before.

“Okay, little chef, I’m going to need you to do your puppeteering thing again. I’m sorry to put you in this position again, but….We really need this,” Linguini said, his eyes shining with desperation. Remy simply nodded, and Linguini gently placed Remy on his head, then covered his head with a Wonka factory hat.

Linguini stepped forward and gently pushed the red button in front of him. The menacing gates swung open, and Linguini stepped forward into his uncertain future. As soon as Linguini stepped forward toward the factory, the gates suddenly closed behind him. Linguini swallowed hard, and made his way to the door.

A tall and slim figure stepped out of the door, adorned in vibrant purples and golds. He held a cane in his hand, and he smiled brightly at the sight of Linguini. His smile had a hint of mischief, which was slightly unnerving to Linguini.

“Ah, you must be Linguini! I’ve heard so much about you!” Wonka shouted, forcefully grabbing Linguini’s hand and rapidly shaking it. Despite the fact that Wonka looked like a twig, Linguini could feel immense strength behind his grip. Linguini wondered to himself how Wonka could be so strong….He found it attractive.

“Um, yes! I’m Linguini. I’m here to, ah, help you make candy,” Linguini chuckled nervously, looking away. He found himself fighting away embarrassment. He silently hoped that his face wasn’t bright red.

“Yes, yes! You’ll need to get started right away! Right away!” Wonka shouted with enthusiasm. Linguini found himself reeling from his enthusiasm. “This way, this way!”

Wonka opened the door behind him, and they both stepped into his factory. Linguini noticed dwarfish orange skinned people working their small frames away. He couldn’t help but make an internal comparison to a certain American president.

“Oh, these hard workers are my Oompa Loompas. They work quite hard! Without them, nothing in this factory would be possible,” Wonka explained, grinning from ear to ear.

“Oh, um.” Linguini had no idea what to say, but he found himself comparing the Oompa Loompas to Remy. Without Remy, nothing Linguini did was possible, just like the Oompa Loompas with Wonka. Maybe Wonka and I are more similar than I thought….

“So, Mr. Wonka, where am I going to be working?” Linguini inquired, scratching the back of his neck.

“I’m glad you asked! And please, call me Willy,” Wonka insisted. He gestured for Linguini to follow him, and began walking down the ornately decorated halls. Linguini silently followed him, observing his surroundings.

Eventually, the two made it to a workstation with contraptions that Linguini had never seen before in his life. He was sure that Remy would know what to do. He hoped that Remy would know what do, at least. We need to impress Mr. Wonka, wait, no, the money !

“Ah, Miste- Willy. I don’t know how to work any of these machines.”

“Oh, let me show you!” Wonka grabbed Linguini’s hand and lead him over to one of the machines.

“This one is called the Doodlysnoofer. You’ll use it to mix new flavors.”

Linguini was too distracted by the warmth permeating from Wonka’s gloved hand that he had no idea what to say. Wonka gestured to the buttons and explained what they did, but all Linguini could focus on was the fact that the elusive, and very attractive Wonka was touching him.

Remy noticed that Linguini wasn’t paying attention, so he gave a hard pull on Linguini’s hair to draw him away from his thoughts. Linguini visibly winced, and he bit down on his tongue to prevent himself from shouting in pain.

“I think that’s all I have for you. Let me or one of my Oompa Loompas know if you’re having any trouble. I can’t wait to see what you come up with, Linguini,” Wonka said with a wink and a smile, before he began to strut away from them.

If Linguini didn’t know better, he’d say that he was starting to develop a bit of a crush on Wonka. Who could blame him? His entire motivation at first was money, but if he could….he’d love to hold Wonka’s hand or something. He thought that’d be pretty neat.

“Oh, little chef, what am I getting us into?” Linguini murmured, staring at the contraptions in front of him.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hours later, Linguini found himself with a few creations that he found acceptable. He certainly hoped they’d be palatable to Wonka. Linguini let Remy sneak some candy, too, as a token of his gratitude.

“So! Linguini! How’s everything coming along?” Wonka suddenly shouted, appearing next to Linguini. Linguini’s face went bright red with surprise. He jumped, almost dropping his spoon.

“Miste- Willy! Um, everything’s coming along okay. I’ve come up with a few taffy flavors that you might like,” Linguini said, fixing his gaze away from Wonka’s. His gaze was too intense- it made his stomach twist and turn.

“Ooh, I can’t wait to taste it.” Wonka reached for the taffy that Linguini made.

“That taffy’s apple pie flavor,” Linguini explained with a shy smile.

“Excellent.” Wonka took a bite that was almost too seductive for Linguini to bear. He thought his mind was playing tricks on him for a second. Could- could Wonka be attracted to me too?

“This has excellent flavor. Nice work!” Wonka exclaimed, grinning. A blush crept onto Linguini’s face, and he suddenly turned his head away from Wonka in an attempt to conceal it.

Wonka simply chuckled. “Well, I’ve got other work to get to, but I’ll be seeing you in a bit. Ta-ta!”

And as quick as he had appeared, Wonka vanished. Linguini let out a sharp sigh, and lifted his head off of his hat to let Remy out. He scooped Remy off his head with his hands and smiled down at his little friend.

“Oh little chef, what have I gotten us into?” Remy looked up at Linguini, confused.

“This is going to sound really crazy, but I think I might...like Willy. He’s so mysterious, and I don’t know what to do with myself whenever he’s around. I know I shouldn’t be developing feelings for him, so I’m going to try my best to hide them,” Linguini said quietly with a sigh.

Remy simply looked up at Linguini and blinked. Linguini let out a laugh. Sometimes, Linguini wished that Remy could talk to him so he’d knock some sense into him. Even though they couldn’t necessarily communicate the way Linguini wanted him to, he was never alone as long as he had Remy.

Later on, Wonka came to check in with Linguini. They exchanged flirtatious touches and glances- and Linguini could barely hold himself together whenever Wonka was near. He was falling hard, and fast. He needed to do something.

On all of his breaks, Linguini would sit and quietly talk to Remy. Talking to his little friend made the days go by faster and it made them easier- his passionate infatuation with Wonka aside. Whenever Linguini felt stressed, his little chef helped the stress melt away.

“Little chef, I think I’m really falling for Wonka. I know I’ve been in love before, and things with Collette didn’t exactly work out, but- I’ve never felt this way before. I really, really like him. I hope...he likes me too,” Linguini said with a lovesick smile.

Wonka’s back was pressed against the wall nearby. He hadn’t wanted to interrupt, but...he could barely believe his ears. Linguini likes him! That way! Wonka could feel his heart beating in his ears. Wonka didn’t know what he could say to him, but he found himself wanting to rush towards Linguini and sweep him up in a kiss.

Wonka drew in a deep breath, and decided that he had to confess. Wonka had never felt this way about anyone, but that was a given when he was surrounded by Oompa Loompas for company. Wonka whispered some words of encouragement to himself, then stepped out to confess to Linguini.

“Linguini!” Wonka exclaimed. Linguini looked up at him with surprise. “I- who were you talking to just now?”

“Um, just myself. I...like to call myself Little Chef, aha,” Linguini lied with an awkward chuckle.

“You and I have a lot in common. I mean, I don’t call myself ‘Little Chef’ or anything, but I do talk to myself. About..feelings.”

“Y-you heard that?” Linguini’s face froze in horror, but Wonka simply nodded with a bashful smile.

“I did! And I feel the same. I want to be your sugar daddy, Linguini,” Wonka confessed.

“I don’t think you’re using that phrase right, but...wow. Wow,” Linguini’s face simply gaped, joy and happiness bursting inside of him.

Wonka laughed and rushed towards Linguini, sweeping him up in a passionate kiss. Even after Wonka pulled apart, Linguini could feel Wonka’s heat on his lips. Linguini laughed, his face as red as a tomato.

“Your lips are sweet, Willy. You definitely could be my sugar daddy,” Linguini said with an awkward laugh, immediately regretting what he said as soon as the words left his lips. Wonka wanted to plant even more kisses on Linguini’s lips, but he also enjoyed looking at his big nose.

“I hate to say it, but I’ve got to get back to work. I’ll see you later,” Wonka said with a wink. And in a flash, Wonka was gone.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Every time Linguini and Wonka saw each other, they would passionately make out. Linguini was grateful that the Oompa Loompas weren’t the gossiping types, but Linguini and Wonka would sneak away all the time to smooch.

Their main meeting place was Wonka’s glass elevator. They would sit under the comforting stars and talk about their feelings, about their pasts. Linguini felt like he could trust Wonka with anything, but there was one secret he didn’t bother telling Wonka about- Remy.

“I used to have a restaurant in France, but it quickly got shut down. I inherited it from my father, Gusteau. But...he never raised me. I’m his bastard kid,” Linguini said nonchalantly, taking a swig of wine.

“That Gusteau? No wonder why you’re so skilled at making candy. And it explains why you’re so skilled with your hands in general,” Wonka said with a hearty laugh.

Linguini nearly choked on his wine at that comment. “Oh, um. Yeah, I guess that could explain it.”

“I’m just teasing, Linguini. It’s cute when you become as red as a tomato, though. I should try to tease you more often!” Wonka said with a laugh.

“You know, Wonka, I never thought that I’d have something like this again. You complete me in ways I never knew could be completed,” Linguini said with a smile, leaning in to kiss Wonka’s lips. Wonka could smell the fruity scent of wine on Linguini. Their lips brushed, and the two felt whole.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

During one of his breaks, Linguini sat on a stool with Remy cupped in his hands.

“You know Little Chef, I can’t help but wonder how much Willy’s going to pay us for this. I mean, sure, the other perks are nice, but...I really want to know how much we’ll get paid for all our trouble,” Linguini wondered in a hushed tone.

Remy simply blinked and nodded. Remy was trying to be supportive of Linguini and Wonka, but he could hardly see a reason for him to stay. There was no payoff, his colony was not being helped, and Remy was technically not living his dream as a chef.

“There’s one thing I’ve been wondering this whole time, though. Where does Willy keep all of his recipes? And I heard whispers about Fizzy Lifting Drinks? It sounds….interesting,” Linguini wondered, breaking off a chunk of cheese and handing it to Remy.

Wonka found himself listening in on Linguini’s conversation again, his back pressed against the wall. He felt his heart sink in his chest. Linguini was just using him like everyone else has used him! All Linguini wants is to steal from him, like everyone else.

Rage boiled inside of him, and he stepped out into Linguini’s view. Remy was already hidden back in Linguini’s hat, so that secret was safe for the time being. Wonka’s hands balled up into fists, rage boiling over.

“All you want is money, is that it? You want my recipes? You want to steal fizzy lifting drinks?!” Wonka shouted, tears brimming his eyes. “I thought you wanted to love me, but instead you want to use me, like everyone else!”

“Willy, that’s not it at all! I-I love you, I’m still here because I want to be with you!” Linguini exclaimed, attempting to shield himself from Wonka’s fury.

“Get out!” Wonka screamed, tears rolling down his cheeks.. “I don’t want to see you here again. You’re just a liar like everyone else.”

“Willy, wait-”

“I said. Get out!”

Linguini simply fell into silence after that. He gathered up his items, and looked mournfully at Wonka as he left.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

The tall and sharp gates closed behind him, leaving Linguini on the sidewalk with nowhere else to go. Despair washed over him, and he sank to his knees. Linguini just wanted to sit there forever, stewing in his misery. But Remy nudged his hand.

“Little Chef, I messed up. I messed up big time. I need- I need to talk to him again, but I doubt he’ll want to.” Remy looked up at Linguini, blinking slowly.

“I’m sorry, Little Chef. I’m so sorry. I failed you,” Linguini whispered, tears finally falling.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Months later, Linguini found himself working for a bakery in town. He was close enough to Wonka’s factory that he could find the proper time to apologize, but he had no idea when that time would come. So he spent the days making pastries (with Remy’s help, of course. You think Linguini could make a pastry by himself? Pfffft).

And then- Wonka’s gates suddenly opened. Linguini pulled a banana bread to give to Wonka and he raced all the way to the factory without stopping. He needed to see Wonka again, he needed to apologize. He needed to make things right. Without Wonka’s warm and soothing touch, Linguini would never be at peace.

Linguini banged on the main entrance until his fists hurt. He sank to his knees and rested the bread in his lap. Tears began to fall, despair washing over him once more. He couldn’t live without Wonka. He needed him.

He had no idea how long he had been sitting there when the door swung open, revealing Wonka’s tall and well-dressed frame. Linguini simply looked up at him, trying to think of a million ways to apologize to him.

“Linguini, what are you doing here?” Wonka inquired, kneeling down to look at him face to face.

“I- I came to apologize. I’m so sorry, I messed up. I never meant to say those things. I really, really care about you. I’d do anything for you. I’m so sorry. Being with you made the happiest man on this planet. I can’t live without you,” Linguini apologized with a sad smile, and offered the banana bread to him.

“I...forgive you, Linguini. I can’t live without you, either.” Wonka took the banana bread in his arms and drew in the comforting scent.

“Wait, before you forgive me entirely, there’s something i need to show you.” Linguini liften the hat off of his head, revealing Remy. “That’s my Little Chef. He’s the one I was talking to, and he’s the reason I’m a good chef at all. I’m nothing without him.”

“Oh, oh! A rat. And i thought I had some weird secrets,” Wonka said with a laugh. “He’s cute, though. He can stay with us if you want.”

“You mean- “

“I forgive you. Please come back. I’m driving myself up the wall without you. I need you.”

“And I need you and your sugar.”

Wonka simply laughed and helped Linguini to his feet. Linguini pecked Wonka on the lips, and Wonka returned the favor with a gentle peck on Linguini’s cheek. Wonka had never been so happy in his entire life. Linguini completed him, and Linguini felt the same about him.

And from then on, the two would run the factory in peace, with the doors wide open for everyone to visit.

#ALJGLJG I CANT BELIEVE I DID THIS #THIS IS ALL FOR U KAY

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shirohibiki · 7 years

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well, folks, here it is. a month late and ~18600 words, my new record for longest fic to date. i’m sorry it’s so crazily long and crappy like everything else and i’m REALLY sorry it took so long, but… i hope y’all like it anyway, lmao i spent an UNGODLY fucking amount of time slaving over this. note: there are some explanations that are repeated because this is technically a standalone fic so it’s there for those who don’t read the others, but i’m actually putting some things in a loose timeline of sorts now. not all fics are in it or may not be listed, just the major stuff i guess idk

written for my spongebob human AU, timeline: [1] | [2] | [3]

spongebob is hosting one of his famous christmas parties, and sandy hatches an evil scheme: get spongebob drunk and encourage him to go kiss squidward under some mistletoe, in an effort to perhaps jump-start some progress in their relationship. she persuades him easily, and one totally smashed spongebob goes to give squidward the wildest smooch of his life. this causes all sorts of Feelings within squidward, but before he has the chance to confront spongebob about it, it’s apparent the next morning that spongebob has entirely forgotten the affair. squidward definitely isn’t going to remind him, and nobody else does either, so he must suffer in silence and try to deal with all of these foreign emotions.

merry belated christmas, everyone. i love all of you so much. <3 this is my gift to the beautiful squidbob community; thank you for being such a bright spot in my life!

Once Spongebob learned how to properly host parties, a Spongebob party was the best party in town.

This Christmas party was no different – and it was only the first one of the month! For every weekend in December, up to and including Christmas itself, he threw a festive shindig.

He’d gone all-out, as per usual fashion – the entire pineapple was decorated inside and out, chock full of jolly holiday cheer. Wreaths, garland, ribbons, lights, mistletoe, stockings, ornaments, candy canes, snowglobes – you name it, he had it. On the front of his snow-covered pineapple hung an inviting banner that read, ‘Mele Kalikimaka!’ A herd of glowing reindeer lounged about in the front yard, accompanied by a snowman family. His Christmas tree was stunning – he’d picked out the biggest coral tree he could find and made sure it was perfect in every way, with every ornament hung with care and every strand of lights threaded with precision. His fireplace roared welcomingly, providing an incredibly cozy heat for people to snuggle by. Glistening multicolored lights and garland were run along the walls of every room with red bows accentuating them. Countless other decorations adorned his household which inspired great holiday spirit for all. The banquet provided was nothing to sneeze at, either. His grandmother and Squidward’s mother both baked their famous cookies, and combined with the other various desserts, those sweets were a force to be reckoned with. Spongebob home-cooked a lot of the meals; the ham, the turkey, the kielbasa, the bean salad, the roasted vegetables, the mashed potatoes, the baked ziti, and so much more… The pepperoni bread was from a nearby Italian joint, but it was a must-have. His parents often came to help him, along with Sandy – Patrick was banned from the kitchen. As in he wasn’t even allowed to be in the same house while they cooked. If nothing else, Spongebob was a perfectionist. That meant every spread, like the rest of his house, looked like it was straight out of a Christmas magazine with how neat and ornate it was… Until people started eating, of course!

Spongebob loved Christmas. Ever since Sandy told him all about it that fateful day… And the day he met the real Santa Claus… It had easily become his favorite holiday. He adored everything about it! The shopping, the decorating, the snow aplenty! The gifts, the love in the air, the chestnuts roasting! The mistletoe~… Oh, Christmas… It was the most wonderful time of the year indeed.

By 5 PM, almost everyone had arrived and the party got underway. Joyful holiday music and the sound of chatter filled the well-lit rooms while the host flitted about, checking on everyone just to make sure they were having the Best Party Ever™. The very picture of adorability, Spongebob wore a beautifully gaudy reindeer themed ugly sweater that hung off the shoulder, a headband with reindeer antlers, and tight black slacks. Along with his rosy freckled cheeks, captivating cerulean eyes, fluffy flaxen hair and gap-toothed smile, he dazzled all of the partygoers. Since things had now settled down, he was finally able to go relax for a moment. He trotted over to a table and sighed in relief as he seated himself. “Oh boy…” Being host sure could be tiring! He loved it, though. Everyone looked so great in their sweaters and button-downs and dresses, and they were all enjoying themselves.

Blue eyes roved around the crowded room – where was… Ah. There he was. Squidward was sitting on a couch across the room, appearing to be quite a bit less grumpy than he usually did, sporting a charming ugly sweater like always. It was snowman themed this time! He was actually talking to someone, too! It was so nice to see him having a good time… Spongebob sighed again, more wistfully this time, propping his arm up on the table and resting his cheek in his palm. Gee… What he wouldn’t give to be sitting in his lap with one of Squidward’s arms around his waist. That’d be swell. If it were possible, he managed to become even more romantically charged than he already was around holidays like Christmas or Valentine’s. It was just – it looked so nice for couples, with the hugging and the kissing and the scarf-sharing and the cuddling by the fire and the…

Gosh… It’d be real swell.

“Howdy, Spongebob!” A familiar voice pulled him from his melancholy-tinged thoughts. One Sandra Cheeks had approached him – he smiled up at her.

“Hiya, Sandy.”

“Takin’ a break? Neptune knows you deserve one!” She said, clapping him on the back as she pulled up a chair next to him.

“Hehe. Naw, I’m okay. I don’t mind the work!” She looked gorgeous tonight too, which came as no surprise. Makeup wasn’t something she wore too often, but tonight, she’d used some glittery gold eyeshadow with a deep plum lipstick and it was absolutely incredible on her. He could also see that she was wearing a wonderful ugly turtleneck sweater under her aquatic suit – such a shame she couldn’t take that dang old thing off. It was always so in the way. Curse their differences in oxygen intake. She had her thick brown curls pulled into pigtails like usual and a pretty burgundy bow on her tail that even lit up! And boy, that fur was fluffy today! “Ooh, I see you took extra care to fluff up your tail today!” He complimented, reaching over to pet through the soft pelt, marveling at it. Sandy chuckled.

“Yup! I brushed it for ten whole minutes! Gettin’ the bow perfect was kind of a challenge, but I managed it!”

“You sure did!” They shared a laugh before Sandy silently observed him for a moment or two. His expression had fallen – he seemed a tad distant, and, looking down, she spotted him continually squeezing some of the fabric of the hem of his sweater. Occasionally, his grip flexed so hard his knuckles went white.

“So, Sponge… Feelin’ kinda lonely, are ya? You’ve been quiet tonight.”

“Wh—“ He whipped around to gape at her. Jeez, she was way too astute! “I… No, I’m fine! I’m just really happy that everyone’s here, and that they’re all loving my party.” She tapped her fingers against her helmet thoughtfully, glancing to Squidward. Soon, a grin spread across her face.

“Maaaaybe y’all should go talk to ‘im.”

“I will in a bit, when he’s not busy.” Spongebob shifted uncomfortably, averting his gaze. The cloth he’d been toying with was now clutched in a firm, unforgiving hold.

“You suuuuuure put up a lotta mistletoe.” Sandy was ruthless in her attempts. She could tell Spongebob was sort of upset – not to mention anxious – and wanted to urge him to at least go and be near Squidward to put him more at ease. To her amusement, he flushed.

“Wh—it’s just decoration! I mean, I definitely encourage kissing for anyone who wants to, though.” Spongebob was a lover of romance, through and through. At that moment, an idea wormed its way into Sandy’s head. That grin of hers turned a shade more devilish, but to her best friend’s surprise, she relented, rising from her seat.

“I’m gonna get you a drink, okay? Wait right here, don’t you dare go on gettin’ up. There are others people can go to if they need somethin’.” She wagged a finger at him scoldingly. He pouted, but didn’t bother to argue because he knew he wouldn’t win that one.

Passing by numerous talkative revelers, Sandy skipped gleefully over to the beverage table in the kitchen. It was time to liven up this party. Larry, who was chilling out nearby, greeted her. He wore an ugly sweater too – but his was sleeveless. Had to show off those guns somehow!

“Hey, Sandy! How’s it hangin’?”

“Great! Just gettin’ our hard-workin’ lil’ Sponge a drink, heh.” Larry had been taking a sip of his water, but paused with the cup to his lips upon hearing her tone. His eyes narrowed suspiciously. He saw her reach for the cranberry juice from behind the fountain of punch.

“… Yeah? What’re you getting him?” The pineapple juice was next. Oh no, he knew what she was up to… She was so obvious about it too! She didn’t even bother to hide her smile!

“A Sponge’s lil’ helper~.” Sandy’s expression went downright sinister then. The vodka was next to be added to her beautiful cocktail. Hopefully there were cherries or limes around! Frowning, Larry stepped forward.

“Whoa, hey there, now wait a sec. What are you planning? We all know he loves baybreezes, but somehow, I don’t think he was the one who asked for it.” He had a very strong suspicion. It was confirmed by her cackling maniacally.

“HA! I think he needs to loosen up a bit! He gets wound up tighter than a snake ‘round a rodent it found for dinner when he hosts parties.” Larry placed his hands on his hips as she mixed it into a beautiful sunset – Spongebob’s favorite part of the drink. She was admittedly quite good at it blending the colors together.

“Loosen up, yeah. But you’re trying to get him all over Squidward. Are you sure this is a good idea? What if he does or says something he regrets?” His personal hangups with Squidward aside, he was mostly worried about Spongebob getting hurt in some way.

“P’SHAAAAWWW! He can just blame it on bein’ drunk, ain’t no thing!” Sandy’s evil laughter only continued. Her brew was now COMPLETED! The lifeguard pinched his brow.

“… Dude, it’s only 6. We can’t get him drunk this early.” She opened her mouth to speak, but went no further. Her brow creased. It would be a problem if the host passed out too early.

“… Hm. Well… Dinner’ll be served soon, right? Then he won’t need to supervise as much.” Be that as it may, he would try to regardless, knowing Spongebob. “So I mean, I don’t see why not, once all the food’s ready to go.”

“Oh boy,” Larry groaned, dragging a hand down his face. “I have a bad feeling about this.”

Sandy returned to Spongebob but instead of giving him what she’d made, told him he should probably help serve dinner first just to get it out of the way. It wasn’t like much had to be done – they just had to uncover the platters and make sure everything was warm and ready, mostly. He hadn’t even seen what she’d made him, but agreed nonetheless – his guests were of the utmost priority, they came first! Unsurprisingly, he went out of his way to make sure every single partygoer had everything they needed and that Patrick was not permitted to inhale all of the food. Frank, who was sitting at the table in the dining room, noticed him still buzzing about even after everyone had been served. “Spongebob, go eat already! We’re all fine, take a breather!” Others around him nodded in agreement. Spongebob turned, having been fussing over one of the M&M bowls.

“Wha? Uh, are you su—“ Sandy interrupted by walking right up to him and holding out his drink, beaming. It was a bit diluted now because she’d had to put in more ice to keep it cool, but she could certainly make more.

“Here. You need to sit yer butt down and spend time with us rather’n the candy dishes.”

“Yeah! We wanna talk to you, Spongebob!” Abigail agreed. “You always do this! You get so worried, but we’re all able to help ourselves, and there are other people we can go to if we need something. Just sit and hang out, okay?” Spongebob fretted a bit, feeling bad – he’d not realized he was that obsessive. He just wanted to throw a good party, so he spent a lot of time worrying and fixing things – at least in the beginning of the night. No matter what, as the party went on and fewer people needed him, he allowed himself to participate more. This time, though, they wanted him the whole party, not half of it. It wasn’t fair to him if he couldn’t have fun too.

“Gee… I’m sorry, I…” Finally regarding his beverage, he paused. His pupils dilated. A baybreeze… “It’s SO PRETTY,” he gasped, marveling at the way Sandy layered the liquids and how the glass glimmered with the reflection of the Christmas lights around them. Out of their close group of friends, she was the best at making mixed drinks. “AND A LOOPY STRAW?! WITH AN UMBRELLA AND CHERRIES?! OH, SANDY!” He pulled her into a tight hug, thrilled. Patting his back, she laughed.

“Yer welcome~! Drink up!”

“Oooh, already breaking out the alcohol, huh?” Evelyn asked, which gave Spongebob pause. Wait… Should he be drinking this early? The clock read 6:30. The party hadn’t been going on for very long… What if he drank too much and blacked out? He didn’t have a very strong constitution, and people needed him! He appeared as if he was going to protest, but he knew Sandy wouldn’t allow him to.

“… Okay, but just one!” He sat himself down at the table next to Larry, who wondered if Spongebob noticed that incredibly ominous grin on Sandy’s face.

“Drink! Drink! Drink!” Frank chanted. “You sure know how to make them, Sandy. Think you could teach me sometime? It always comes out muddled when I do it.”

“Hmm… Maybe I could host a workshop sometime, sure! It’s not too hard. Actually, Sponge, I can make another that’s real pretty like that, but has peach n’ orange juice in it! If you like yer baybreezes, you’d like this one.” He already seemed intrigued – hook, line, and sinker. He was sipping his current drink through his straw, thoroughly enjoying the mix of cranberry and pineapple. Alcohol itself wasn’t his favorite taste in the world, but he liked it with fruity things. Orange juice did sound good…

“What else is in it?”

“Like I said, pretty similar. Vodka, cranberry juice, peach schnapps, and orange juice. Or, at least, that’s one version of it. It’s all orange and red like these, but the orange is brighter.”

“Ooooh…” His eyes shone with wonder. He was such a sucker for the pretty colors, he couldn’t help it! He might have to have one now, it was so tempting… It would be fine, that was only two drinks! He didn’t even have to drink the whole thing! “What’s it called?”

Smirking, Sandy leaned forward a bit. “Sex on the Beach~.” There was a chance he wouldn’t get flustered, but… The way his countenance lit up rivaled the cranberry juice! Success! Larry tried to choke back a laugh and the others could be heard giggling. Spongebob quietly sucked his baybreeze through the straw, staring down at it, cheeks red. Unfortunately for him, whatever was swirling around in his mind eventually flustered him so much that he drained the entire glass in one go and then shouted, even redder than before,

“I WANT A SEX ON THE BEACH!” He pounded his empty glass down on the table. He wasn’t even that intoxicated – it had been fueled moreso by embarrassment. Those around him hushed for a moment before many burst into laughter. Larry couldn’t help it – oh, that was priceless! The delivery was perfect! Merely huffing, Spongebob crossed his arms. “There’s nothing funny about it! It’s just the name of a drink! Don’t be so lewd!” Sandy was chortling away as she got up to go make it for him. She’d have abs on top of her abs by the end of the night at this rate!

“Hoo doggie! Comin’ right up, Spongebob! One Sex on the Beach!” And back to the kitchen their squirrely friend ran.

“What happened to ‘just one?’” Evelyn teased, poking at his arm – this earned her another huff.

“It IS just one! It’s just one of – of a different kind! And it’s the only other one I’m having,” the blond insisted. Mr. Krabs noticed the commotion as he walked by with a plate of food in hand. Their host had already broken out the liquor? Hmm… He leaned over to whisper to Plankton, who was beside him.

“Think I should charge people fer the impendin’ Drunken Spongebob Shenanigans?”

“This is his house, Eugene,” Plankton replied flatly whilst picking a crumb off of his ugly sweater that matched Mr. Krabs’s.

“… Right, but… It’s like dinner and a show! People pay fer that!”

“In his own house, yes. If anyone could even attempt to use it for monetary gain, it would be him. Honestly, Eugene. You’re shameless.”

“Don’t you roll yer eye at me, Sheldon! Fine! I’ll just enjoy what we get to see, then.”

“Oh, Neptune. I think I’m going to need a drink…”

Sandy soon came back with another one of her beautiful concoctions. Deep orange and red, complete with a cherry, an umbrella, and a loopy straw. Everyone currently around them ‘ooh’ed and ‘ahh’ed. Spongebob squealed – it was so BEAUTIFUL! He held out his hands to take it from her, admiring at its sunset-esque gradient. Upon him taking his first sip, applause sounded.

“How’s it taste?! I might need one, Sandy!”

“Wow!! I love it!! The orange juice is so good with cranberry!” He honestly couldn’t tell if he liked pineapple and cranberry or orange and cranberry better… Both? Both. Both is good.

“That’s some good Sex on the Beach, eh, Sponge?” Sandy was out for blood tonight! Good lord! Sadly, she didn’t get the reaction she wanted – Spongebob merely nodded, contentedly drinking away.

“Mmhmm!” She knew he’d start getting tipsy quite swiftly – she’d added a biiiit more vodka than the recipe called for since the orange juice helped in masking it. She also wondered if she could get him to try another…

“I’ll make a round of drinks for y’all, sure! I know you aren’t done with that one yet, Spongebob, but how do ya feel about tryin’ somethin’ blue?” Oh, how easy it was to entice him. His wide eyes moved to her, the straw still between his lips.

“Blue..?” Ohh… Ohhhhhh… He loved blue… Anything blue Sandy made would definitely be good!

“As blue as yer pretty eyes.” She poked his nose. He mulled it over, but Frank made his decision for him instead.

“Yeah, we wanna see that one! If he doesn’t drink it, I will!”

“No no I’ll drink it I’ll drink it!” Spongebob said hurriedly, ditching his ‘just one’ policy in favor of pretty colors. Sandy couldn’t have been happier. He’d be smashed soon enough… And then… He might need a little push… And the pieces would fall into place. Larry shot the scientist a glare, but she ignored it and went skipping back to the kitchen.

“Hey, Sponge, maybe you should slow down a li—“ Larry stopped dead in the middle of his sentence and his eyes bulged upon seeing that HE’D ALREADY FINISHED IT. “Whoa—have you even eaten anything?! You should really take it easy, buddy!” Hearing Spongebob’s giggle made his stomach drop. Oh no. It had begun. If he’d not eaten anything to absorb it, with how fast he was downing those he’d be a goner in no time.

“Hee… Umm, I dunno. Maybe? Hey, Pat, did I eat anything?” Spongebob asked, leaning forward to see his friend who was three seats down from him, devouring the mountain of food he possessed. Hearing his name, he looked up, mouth stuffed with chicken.

“Uhhhh… Ahh…” Patrick had to swallow before he could speak. “I think I saw you eating some veggies and dip earlier?”

“Ohh, okay! Thanks, Pat!”

“Anytime, pal!” And right back to eating Patrick went. He wasn’t messing around – he’d already finished two plates. Spongebob’s smile returned to one unamused Larry Buffington.

“… Yeeeah. I mean, it’s something, but you should really have some turkey or mashed potatoes. Want me to get it for you?”

“Well…” The blond pouted down at his empty glass. “I wann’another… It’s all gone.” Larry was exasperated already. Sure, it was funny at first, but… He just – he wanted to protect Spongebob from doing something he’d really regret! Being drunk at a party was one thing. It happened. It wasn’t a big deal… But when you threw Squidward into the mix, things got risky, and Sandy pushing them together was a recipe for disaster. You could only blame so much on being drunk. What if he confessed his feelings in a sloppy and careless manner? Oh Neptune, the lack of a filter would lead to some really awkward professions. Just the thought sent a shiver down his spine – they might never see Squidward again after something like that. To his vexation, before he could speak further, Sandy brought a dream of a cocktail that indeed matched the cerulean of Spongebob’s irises as well as the water around them. It shimmered in the light enticingly. Drooling, Spongebob reached for it.

“Heeeeere y’are!” She chirped, but before she could hand it over, Larry snatched it from her.

“Sandy. C’mon, man. Let him take a break – you don’t want him getting sick, do you?” He held it up high so Spongebob couldn’t reach it, though that didn’t stop him from trying.

“Nngh—gimme—“

“Larry, why are you being such a party pooper?” Abigail whined. “What’s the problem? He’s cute when he’s drunk! Let him have fun! It’s a Christmas party!” The lifeguard soon found that the others were also chiming in to agree. Was he the only sensible one around here?! Squidward was the problem here, not Spongebob just being tanked! But… He reasoned that it wasn’t like Spongebob had never been intoxicated at a party Squidward was also at. It had gone alright then (even if Spongebob became clingier or flirtier), so why would it be any different now? Sandy, that was why. She had a specific goal in mind and it wasn’t just to let Spongebob flirt with Squidward on his own. No, she wanted more than that. She knew how tricky this situation was, why was she doing this?! Trying to force a change could go really badly… There was a possibility of success, but Larry wasn’t sure he wanted to bet on that.

“I hope you know what could happen,” Larry muttered to Sandy through a clenched jaw. This was serious stuff… She knew that. He understood that she wanted some progress – they all did, for Spongebob’s sake. But was this the way to go about it? Sandy’s demeanor shifted to that of uneasiness for a split second before she hid it.

“I’ve got it under control,” she said. Larry merely arched a doubtful brow and gave Spongebob his drink.

“Hm. Alright then, bro. Here you go. But take it slow this time, and eat something with it.”

“YAY!” Spongebob grabbed it right up and took a drink to see how it tasted. He wrinkled his nose a tad at first – this one had a stronger taste of alcohol. He was already buzzed, though, so it wouldn’t bother him too much. The cocktail kept him quiet while he savored it. Sandy served drinks to a few other people who wanted them, and things were relatively calm until Spongebob finished his third – probably quicker than he should’ve, but not as fast as the ones prior. “Ahhhh… Wowie, that was great! Thanks, Saaaandy~.” Looking down, he noticed a plate of some food Larry had gotten for him at some point. He scrutinized it, squinting – his vision was kinda… Blurry. What was even on this plate? Where had it come from? “Izzis… Bread?” He picked up what was indeed a piece of bread, sniffed at it, then took a nibble. Yes, this was probably bread. Maybe. Larry slid him some water as he snacked.

“Remember to always be hydrating, bud. It’ll help later when you wake up from this.”

“Thaaaaank yoooou~,” Spongebob sang, doing as he was told. Always be hydrating!! Yes!! He could do that! He’d make Larry proud! He downed his water, afterwards calling out for Sandy. “SANDY! LARRY SAID ALWAYS BE HYDRATING! CAN YOU MAKE ME ANOTHER?”

“I sure can, Spongebob! Whaddaya want?” Spongebob giggled giddily into his hands, swaying a bit. Larry didn’t bother to say anything, instead slapping a hand to his face. It was out of his control now.

“Sex~…” He didn’t finish saying the name of the drink for whatever reason.

“Oh, I’ll bet!” Evelyn laughed, and Abigail swatted at her.

“Oh my gosh, stoppp! Don’t be weird!” One more and he’d be utterly and completely wasted, even if Sandy skimped on the alcohol… Which she wouldn’t. Oh, she did hope he would forgive her in the morning… The brunette fetched him his desired Sex on the Beach, then watched him chug it aaaand…

“WOOOO! NOW THAT IS A DRINK! SEXIN’ ON THE BEACH IS RIGHT!” He stood suddenly then, slamming his hands onto the table, “PATRICK—Whoa…” Standing so fast disoriented him for a moment, but he recovered just as quickly. “PATRICK! LET’S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP, BUDDY! ARE YOU READY?!” Patrick’s head jerked up.

“Wha?”

“CHRISTMAS!”

“Oh—YEAH! Let’s do it!” Patrick eagerly jumped up as well and jogged over to his best friend. They took one another’s hand, both taking a step back in preparation.

“Here we goooo!” Frank grinned, leaning back to appreciate the show. The pair burst out into theatrical song and dance.

“IT’S SHAPING UP TO BE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY! NOT YOUR NORMAL, AVERAGE EVERYDAY!” Squidward wasn’t in the room to sing his part (not that he would anyway), so someone else did it for him, as was tradition for every Christmas party. Poor Squidward.

“Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree! Spongebob, Patrick, why’d ya do this to me?!”

“THE WORLD FEELS LIKE IT’S IIIIIN LOVERLY~!”

“Go away before I harm you bodily!”

“THIS CHRISTMAS FEELS LIKE THE VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS TO MEEEEEEEE~!” Spongebob was a bit off-key – he was unsurprisingly having trouble controlling his cadence. He and Patrick pranced around, a spectacle for all to see that was only enhanced by Patrick’s snazzy light-up sweater. The crowd was going wild! “THERE’LL BE SHOPPING, DECORATING, AND PLENTY OF SNOW! HEY, PATRICK, WHO’S THAT UNDER THE—“ Spongebob stopped abruptly, leaving Patrick to tumble and narrowly miss colliding with a nearby end table. “… Mistle… toe?” It was as if something connected in his mind at that moment – he stared at a nearby doorway in which mistletoe hung. No one was there, but it seemed like something was processing – perhaps a revelation of sorts. Plankton and Krabs had even stood in preparation to sing their parts, but everyone was left hanging, watching Spongebob.

Bingo.

“HEY, WAITASECOND!” Spongebob began to search the room, distraught. “WHERE’S SQUIDDY?!” It was as if he’d just noticed, even though Squidward hadn’t stepped foot in the room once. The others looked around too. Not everyone was in the dining room – there were many guests littered about the house, all having their own fun, so Squidward could’ve been anywhere. The only real restrictions were the bedrooms upstairs; every other room in the house was open.

While nobody else seemed to know, Sandy did. She’d gone to find Squidward – he’d actually been hanging out upstairs with a book to get away from the noise for a short while. He’d not been there for too long when she’d investigated, so he was likely still there. “I saw him earlier, Sponge,” she said, to which Spongebob rushed to her and grabbed her shoulders.

“Where?! We need ‘im here! How can—how can he do his part?!” He shook her as if it were the direst situation in the universe. It wasn’t like he would do his part anyway, so others did it instead, but that didn’t seem to matter.

“I know! He needs ta stand under the mistletoe, right?” Larry watched as this unfolded before him – she’d planted the seed. It was all over now – they could only guess what might happen. Spongebob stared at her owlishly for a few moments, a little more color filling his cheeks to add to what was already there. Mistletoe… Yeah… His gaze moved behind her to a doorway where he’d hung the festive plant. He missed Squidward… He wanted to cuddle up to him… Why wasn’t he here? Maybe he was busy… But surely he’d spare a little time for his bestest friend in the whole world, right? Mistletoe…

“I wanna…” Spongebob took a very deep inhale. “… Wanna go get ‘im. He needs to join in on the fun! It’s not a party without Squidward! Patrick, buddy, can you cover for me? Make—make sure my snail doesn’t get eaten by the pineapple, okay?”

“Oh—you bet, Sponge! I’ll take real good care of him!” Patrick hadn’t had a single sip of alcohol, but hey. At least he understood it.

They all watched Spongebob run off ungracefully, stumbling and tripping on his journey upstairs. After he’d left, the people at the table began to discuss amongst themselves. “Fifty bucks they kiss,” Fred wagered.

“Ehhh, I dunno. He hasn’t tried it before, has he?” Frank asked.

“Well, who knows, but there’s mistletoe involved here!”

“What if he confesses?”

“That would be a mess. I think he is close to doing it, though, one of these days.”

“Okay, guys, rev up those bets! Let’s see if our boy finally gets some tonight!” Cheers were heard all around. Of course, everyone knew by now – if you saw the two of them interact with any regularity, his crush was plain as day. It had been like this for years; everyone was just waiting for something to happen.

So far, Spongebob had found nobody on the third floor, because it wasn’t a place guests usually went. The first and second floors were the main hangouts, but he wanted to be thorough. Geez… He felt kinda dizzy. His eyes weren’t entirely focused… “Squiiiddyyyy? Are you up heeere?” He called, checking each room. Where could he be? Spongebob needed him, for a lot of reasons! … Should he take his shoes off as a defensive maneuver in case of emergency? OH, but what if Squidward wanted to polish them? He’d better keep them on then, just in case. You never knew if your friend was going to want to polish your shoes. “I—whoa! Pardon me, miss, ah—“ He’d run into a lamp, not a person. Just as he was reaching one of the last rooms in the hallway, none other than Squidward was leaving it. “Oh—!” Spongebob skidded to a halt, and Squidward greeted him upon noticing him.

“Oh, hey, Spongebob. How’s the party going? I must admit, your library only gets more impressive as it grows.” Squidward stopped in the doorway, hooking a thumb in his pocket while shifting his weight to the opposite hip. He slouched just slightly, holding little tension in his shoulders. There was a certain warmth in his normally weary carmine eyes and the corner of his mouth twitched upwards in a half-smirk as he regarded Spongebob. Draped over his lanky frame was a sweater that was a little too large, contrasted by snug jeans. The other stared at him, gaping – he seemed so relaxed! And he was so… Handsome… That sweater looked marvelous on him… Spongebob swore he was blinded by the sheer beauty of it all. And… Wait a second… He was standing under mistletoe! Unless that was a set of keys hanging from the doorframe. But that wouldn’t make any sense. Or would it? But it was totally mistletoe, and… Sandy said… And… Mistletoe…

“Oooh, wow, Squiddy, you sure are lookin’ good tonight,” Spongebob slurred, taking a wobbly step closer. “I just looooove that sweater… I’ve been lookin’ all over for you…”

“Oh? Why-- … Wait a minute.” Squidward squinted down at him – he was sort of acting like… “Are you drunk?” Oh boy. Great. “Already? It’s only 8 o’clock, Spongebob.”

“Nnnoooooo~… I’m not drunk, heehee…” He was nearly salivating – Neptune, Squidward was so—mmph. Squidward simply shook his head.

“You’re hopeless. Anyway, you’ve found me, so we can go back downstairs now.” He’d had enough time to recharge from the social interaction. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to deal with an inebriated Spongebob, but eh, he would see. Maybe he’d stick around. It was entertaining to watch Spongebob while he was drunk sometimes. When Spongebob didn’t move aside, Squidward blinked. “Well? What are you waiting for?” Why was Spongebob looking at him like that..?

In Spongebob’s hazy mind, the fact that Squidward hadn’t moved out of the doorway and away from the mistletoe told him that he was definitely interested in making out. It entirely ignored the fact that he was standing in Squidward’s way and that he’d either have to retreat back into the room or push past him to get out from under the decoration. “Ooh, Squiddy,” he purred, “I’d love to… I’m so glad you want it too…” He never said anything of the sort, Spongebob.

At first, Squidward had been about to question why his neighbor was getting breathy over… Going downstairs. Soon, however, he found himself in absolutely no position to ask that question – or any other, for that matter. Before he could speak, the blond had advanced, stepping right up to him and leaning up on his tippy toes to press their bodies together. He ran a hand down Squidward’s chest, blatantly feeling him up, his free arm hooking around his neck to tug him down a little. Squidward was paralyzed with shock – what—? What was happening? Whoa, those bedroom eyes – holy SHRIMP, what was going on—?! Before he knew it, Spongebob had pivoted them a little and backed him up against the doorframe. “I’ll make it good, I promise…” A deep and sultry tone was not something Squidward heard from him often. Before any of this could register, he was met with an entirely new and even more startling sensation.

Spongebob had roughly fisted some of his hair, the other hand clutching his sweater, and yanked him down into a crushingly needy kiss. Squidward’s mind went completely blank, any and all thoughts evaporating instantly. His entire body went rigid and the wind was knocked from his lungs. He didn’t return the kiss – the world around him had disintegrated and he was lost in a sea of nothingness. Time ceased to exist. Was he dreaming? Had he himself gotten drunk and passed out? Where even was he? What was he doing? Who was with him? Who was… What was…

Unrelenting, the blond tugged again at teal locks to tilt Squidward’s head a little more for better access. With the sheer force of the kiss, Squidward had no choice but to kiss back but was entirely unaware of his doing so.

“Mmmm… Mmh… Mm…”

It was only when Spongebob’s muffled noises reached his ears that all at once, reality came crashing down onto him at warp speed. Time went into hyperdrive instead of standing still. Squidward’s heart gave a sharp lurch and his eyes flew open in astonishment for a brief second before they screwed shut once more. Opening his mouth to gasp had been an involuntary mistake – he was then electrified with the feeling of tongue. Not much, though – just a gentle and questioning lick that went no further.

What…

… In the NAME OF DAVEY JONES’S LOCKER WAS GOING ON?!?!

There was… This was… It… Spongebob…

Spongebob…

SPONGEBOB!!!

Spongebob was kissing him! Not just on the cheek, nose, forehead, head, shoulder, or wherever else… But… The LIPS!!! Was this a nightmare? Was he in hell? Had he gone mad? It—

IT STILL WASN’T OVER!

Squidward’s frantic thoughts were now interrupted by the exceedingly prominent physical sensations. He could hear himself panting – his body was boiling up. His face was on fire. He was sweating and his knees were weak. He felt so lightheaded – a feeble noise escaped him while Spongebob’s desperate whimpers filled his ears. He was just now noticing how nice Spongebob smelled – his shampoo and cologne surrounded him with something he didn’t often give much consideration to. The strongest thing he could taste was the alcohol – eugh. There was an underlying fruitiness, however, and beneath that… An indescribable taste that was none other than Spongebob’s own. Spongebob had gotten a little braver with that tongue of his, and oh… The hair-pulling, gah—the hand running down his side—

Why did it feel…

Good?

It was sloppy, it was forceful, it was wet, and it was mindblowing. It was driven by such brazen passion that it was enough to make anyone’s head spin. He just couldn’t refrain from making sounds, which was humiliating, but he didn’t really have time to worry about that when Spongebob was grazing his lower lip with his teeth. He didn’t bite – at least, not yet. Squidward clawed at either side of the wall connected to the doorframe behind him, having needed something to grip onto, although it wasn’t much.

“Squidmmmph…” Spongebob moaned between fervent kisses, relishing in the sweet and heavenly taste of the person he so dearly adored. This was a dream come true! He was so lucky! He never, ever thought he’d get a real chance to kiss Squidward! (And technically, he hadn’t.) This was everything he’d ever wanted… Apparently, all Squidward needed was a little bit of mistletoe to be interested in doing this! Maybe he should carry some around in his pocket!

Why was each enthusiastic and energetic kiss leaving Squidward positively breathless? Why did he kind of sort of maybe not want to stop? Why was this happening in the FIRST PLACE? Why was… Why…

WHY WAS SPONGEBOB A GOOD KISSER?!?!

Who had he been able to PRACTICE with!? It certainly wasn’t Sandy, for obvious reasons! So why wasn’t this more awkward?! Why wasn’t this a pathetic, laughable attempt?! Why was this one of the best kisses he’d ever—NO, DAMNIT! THIS WASN’T—THERE WAS NO WAY IT COULD BE ONE OF THE BEST, NO SIR! It was just heat of the moment! The moment that was NOT GOOD, it was – it was a pitiful display really – he was… He was so amazing with his tongue and lips and teeth and—

Squidward was about ready to collapse. Or scream. Or cry. Or vomit. Or die. Or all five. He’d legitimately just thought of Spongebob Squarepants as being a good kisser. Unironically. Maybe because Spongebob Squarepants was still making out with him. His gut seared with shame and something else he really didn’t want to acknowledge. Every last shred of his sanity had shattered, hadn’t it? Was he hallucinating? He was surely tripping the fuck out, right?

… No.

No, this was the real king of geeky, aggravating losers in the flesh, demonstrating his apparent prowess in the art of French kissing that he’d picked up from literally who knew where. The real Spongebob Squarepants turning Squidward’s mind into a puddle of mush. He was livid for so many reasons, but he was also…

Oh, Neptune, he wasn’t ready for this to end.

To his delight displeasure, Spongebob delivered on that, continuing to treat him to a wild, heart-stopping ride of passion. He loved hated the way Spongebob was tugging at his hair and squeezing his hip. The warm weight of his tiny body pressed against his own proved to be really comfortable detestable. He wasn’t at all attracted by his refreshing unremarkable scent. The sounds he was making were enticingly adorable extraordinarily inappropriate and not something Squidward ever wanted to hear in his entire LIFE.

The day Squidward Tentacles enjoyed a hot makeout session with Spongebob Squarepants was the day he declared himself officially insane beyond all repair. He was a lost cause and he was so disappointed in himself. How could he stoop so low? His mother would be ashamed. It—it was just the pheromones! That was all! He wasn’t really reveling in it – that was DISGUSTING!

… Why did he get the sense he’d recently been through a similar experience of questioning his soundness of mind due to Spongebob? Hadn’t he thought some of these exact same things not too long ago for some other reason?

After what seemed to be eons, Spongebob finally withdrew with a groan. A trail of saliva followed him that he broke by licking his lips. Squidward literally heard himself whine at the loss, and was ready to die of shame in that very instant. They were both gasping for breath, exhausted from their tryst. Squidward could feel Spongebob’s small frame shaking too. “Oh, Squiddy,” the blond breathed, feeling even more intoxicated from the divine taste of his friend’s mouth. Lidded eyes met wide ones. “Thank you for the Churrsmurs… Chr… Mmf…” His voice cracked as he spoke. Squidward noticed how messy the other’s hair had gotten and how it was sticking in his face… How scarlet his cheeks were and the way it lit up his freckles… How his eyes held such endearment and were glazed with desire… “Churrsmurs press’nt… Polishin’ my shoes…” Spongebob tried again, very obviously having great difficulty regaining his composure. “I hope y’liked it… Was good fer ya…” A loopy titter left him. Gee, the room had been spinning for quite a while now! “Mmmph… We can go stairs, uh… Down… Nnuh. Kay?” He had no idea where the stairs were and if he did he’d likely have to crawl down them, but he’d cross that bridge when he got to it. He gingerly took a dumbfounded Squidward’s cheeks into his hands and gave him one last tiny, affectionate peck on the lips before pulling away.

Of course, he stumbled a little, squeaking as he hit the other side of the doorframe – whoa. “Oof…” Gotta be careful with those dresser drawers, their teeth could be sharp sometimes… He recovered, though, and managed to sloooowly stagger down the hallway, until he eventually found the stairs – there they were! Ooh, where did they lead to? Boy, he was so dizzy. He was not going to make it safely down those stairs if he tried to walk. Instead, he merely laid himself on his stomach and dragged himself down, having absolutely zero problems with doing so. He was surfing down the stairs! Shoot, he forgot his boogie board… It was perhaps a sad sight to see, but what else would you expect from someone who was absolutely drunk off their ass and high on pheromones? He was the happiest guy in the whole entire universe. Nothing could bother him. Sandy happened to find him halfway down the second flight of stairs and yelped in alarm.

“Spongebob! Are y’all okay?!” She asked, racing to him and picking the poor sot up in her arms.

“Uh huh~…” Spongebob closed his eyes and curled into her, drooling on her suit. “Squiddy wuz real nice’n polished my shoes fer me… Dinn’t even hafta take ‘em off…” Brows raised as Sandy stared down at him. Polished his shoes… SHE KNEW IT! She KNEW they’d been smooching harder than two rabbits in a den in the beginning of April! SUCCESS! SHE’D DONE IT! SHE HAD FINALLY GOTTEN SQUIDWARD AND SPONGEBOB TO KISS! (Assuming that didn’t mean something else entirely, but that was unlikely.)

… Now to hope Squidward didn’t move out or something crazy like that. But she had a feeling… She could sense it, and she had been able to for a while now. She didn’t think Squidward would be going anywhere. Huff and puff as he might, she could see some inkling of emotion there – it was just buried deep, deep down. Even if she was wrong, hey, at least they tried, and she sincerely doubted Squidward would do anything drastic either way. Hopefully, though, this would give his thoughts on it a little jump start. She also hoped nothing else had happened, like an… Accidental confession. Oh, she prayed. Larry would kill her if that happened. And so would Spongebob, actually. Aaaand probably Squidward. So. She hoped it was just a kiss and nothing more. “Did y’all shine ‘em good?” She tucked Spongebob close and carried him downstairs into the living room, where she then sat herself on the couch and kept him curled up in her lap.

“Mmmhmmm… Reeeal good… This Churrsmurs feels like th’very firs’ Churrsmurs t’meeeeeee~…” Sandy gestured to nearby onlookers to be quiet. Spongebob promptly fell asleep, his mewling snores beginning almost immediately. He was completely conked out. A shame since they didn’t get to see too much of Party Sponge, but they could always give him more drinks later! Hearing Spongebob was back, Larry ran into the room, silently questioning what had happened. Sandy gave him a wink and a thumbs-up. He seemed surprised… And uneasy. But instead of making a fuss, he went to go get a blanket and some water for Spongebob. Hopefully he wouldn’t have too much of a hangover when he awoke. The other partygoers began to either celebrate or lament their loss – money had been on that kiss, and that kiss had happened!

Meanwhile…

Squidward had slid down the doorframe slowly the minute Spongebob left, gawking, staring blankly ahead, a hand over his mouth. He just sat there, flabbergasted and white as a sheet, unable to swallow any of this. There was literally nothing in his head. He was in a state of pure shock.

After a solid two minutes of static, a brief flash of a memory hit him and that was enough to flush his cheeks with a bright crimson and get him onto his feet. Having risen too fast, he reeled, but was able to orient himself and surveyed the area frantically.

He needed to leave. He needed to go home right now. He was going to just leave through the back door – better yet, he could jump out the window and hope for a concussion. However he did it, he just needed to go, before anyone saw him or talked to him or even thought of him. He thanked Neptune that he lived right next door – he didn’t have far to go. Squidward made a break for it, running as fast as he possibly could for the exit. His path was luckily clear until the last hallway, but he ignored whoever was standing there and hurtled the hell out of the cozy pineapple of a house, bubbles forming in his wake.

Upon arriving home, Squidward locked every single door and window in the Moai head, and, quivering slightly, just sat on his bed, head bowed, that same shell-shocked expression on his face.

He was having a great deal of trouble thinking. Five minutes passed and he hadn’t moved, nor processed any sort of thought. It was all just white noise. After a few more minutes, he lay down on his side, wriggling under his plush periwinkle blankets so he was at least… Sort of comfortable. It was then he spotted his teddy bear on the pillow across from him – Spongebob had won that for him when Krabs had bought a crane game to keep at the Krusty Krab.

Spongebob…

Tremoring fingers lifted to trace over his lips and the color ultimately surged back into his cheeks.

Spongebob… Kissed him…

The words now echoed in his head.

Wait; was he positive that had been real? It could’ve been a dream! Hold on, WHY WOULD HE DREAM ABOUT THAT?! EW! NO WAY! But—hold on. If he hadn’t dreamt it… That meant it really happened, right? He knew he wasn’t drunk… So… That could only mean one thing.

He’d actually made out with his neighbor, coworker, enemy, rival, definitely-not-friend. They had exchanged… Saliva. Touched tongues. Speaking of TOUCHING, Spongebob had totally groped his chest! Squidward had felt that! HOW HORRIFYINGLY IMPROPER! And then he’d felt up his side and hip. Squeezed, even! And how roughly he pulled on his hair! How dare he?! How dare he… How dare… How…

Squidward continued to ghost the tips of his fingers over his lips in remembrance.

… Why?

Was it just because he’d been drunk? There was no mistake he’d known who he was kissing, but… What had spurred it aside from the drunkenness? He’d never done that before and he’d been plastered at plenty of parties. Not to excess, but just in general. He was a pretty fun drunk, all things considered – though he did get… Flirty.

Wait.

That was right… Usually he became (even more) clingy and bolder in his flirting. But Squidward wasn’t the only one he attempted to woo! He went for Patrick, Sandy, sometimes Larry… On rare occasions, lamps… But usually, he went for… None other than Squidward. But it didn’t mean anything, right? He was just… That was just how he was, wasn’t it? The fact that he sought out Squidward for the kiss was merely a coincidence. He probably tried to kiss the entire party downstairs! It didn’t mean a single thing!

… That gleam in his eyes… That husky and seductive tone… Squidward shivered. He didn’t think Spongebob had it in him, but apparently… Not that he found it attractive or anything outrageously vile like that! He was simply stupefied by it, seeing as how much of a dork the guy was.

Spongebob had said it was his Christmas present, oddly enough. What did that mean? Why was a kiss from Squidward his Christmas present? Did that imply a kiss with everyone else was, too? Perhaps he meant kissing in general…

“Oh, puh-leeze, Squiddy, you know what he meant,” he growled at himself. Of course he’d meant Squidward specifically. There was no mistake about that. ‘Why’ was the only question to be answered. Maybe there was no reason, though – maybe it was just the booze talking, especially taking into account that he’d followed it by saying ‘thanks for polishing my shoes.’

…

As much as Squidward really didn’t want to contemplate it, he realized there was a very simple explanation to all of this. He wasn’t stupid. He knew it was different with him – even if Spongebob DID kiss everyone at the party, it would be different with Squidward. It would be different because his neighbor so very obviously had a crush. Anyone with half a brain could see it – and it wasn’t new, not by any means. Spongebob had been dropping hints left and right for… Squidward didn’t even know how long. A long while. He didn’t pay too much attention to it because it wasn’t his business. Spongebob had never straight up said anything about it so he had no reason to address it. He didn’t know how deep it ran, nor did he particularly care. It was just there, and he chose to ignore it. But… Because of the crush, that kiss… Meant something.

That passion had been a product of Spongebob’s feelings for him and he knew it. Squidward’s stomach churned. Oh, that was revolting. He would NEVER let it happen again. EVER. Who cared about Spongebob’s feelings anyway?! Eugh, how GROSS! So what if there was meaning behind it? It wasn’t like it mattered!

… How long had Spongebob wanted to do that for?

Squidward recalled their very first Christmas. The song they now held as tradition, much to Squidward’s irritation, originated there. Even back then, Spongebob had been oddly interested in Squidward being under the mistletoe. Jeez, that was years ago… Many years. Had he wanted that all this time? Had he held onto his little crush that long? Unless the infatuation was more recent and that incident had just been him being his weird self…

“… WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS?!” Squidward shouted, clawing at his face. There was literally no reason to mull this over because it wasn’t important! Who cared if Spongebob liked him in a ‘more-than-friends’ manner?! Aside from that notion making him ill, it wasn’t of his concern! It wasn’t like he reciprocated those feelings in ANY way! It was what it was – it wasn’t being addressed and therefore it didn’t matter. It was really, really, really, really insignificant. It probably wasn’t even that big of a crush! WHATEVER! Even if it spurred the action, that wasn’t the important part. The important part was that he had just been kissed by—

Another wave of realization smacked him in the face.

He, Squidward Tentacles, had not only been just making out with his dreaded foe Spongebob Squarepants – he, Squidward Tentacles, had been making shamefully needy noises as he (unintentionally) returned the kiss. He, Squidward Tentacles, had squirmed under Spongebob’s touch as they kissed, and had maybe sort of enjoyed it a little.

He’d. Kissed. Spongebob.

Squidward began to scream at last. It had taken him long enough! So, to the shower it was! Time to wash away the impurity and the sin!

Nearly falling out of bed, he scrambled to the bathroom and dry heaved into the toilet until the nausea passed. He then proceeded to scrub his teeth SO HARD his gums bled. He didn’t care about the pain, SO LONG AS HE CLEANSED HIS MOUTH OF THIS FOULNESS! Afterwards, he paused to take a breath, accidentally thought about the situation, and then resumed his screeching. Those screeches soon devolved into sobs as Squidward hurried for the shower, stripped, and immediately began to scour his body with the soap. “NO! NO! NO! H-HE IS NOT A GOOD KISSER! HE IS NOT A GOOD KISSER! H-HOW DARE HE?! DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING!!!” Everything was a blur now. He’d lost his self-respect, his sanity, and his lunch from this debacle. A whole slew of emotions raged within him, some of which he had to desperately try to disregard.

Two hours later, one enervated Squidward hauled himself back to bed sluggishly after his purging was complete. He was going to have ONE HELL OF A TALK with a CERTAIN SOMEONE tomorrow. But wait – how could he even face him? How could he look Spongebob in the eye after such an exchange? How could he acknowledge what they’d done? He couldn’t! He couldn’t, it was too humiliating and – NO. He needed to. He needed to be firm and tell him that… That it should never happen again. And that he absolutely hadn’t liked any of it. And that would be that. Nothing more, nothing less. Or, okay, maybe just a little more yelling and telling him how awful it had been. Yes. That would work. He could do it. He was mortified, but he had to press on. He could only pray that no one else had heard about it… After their talk, he’d pretend this NEVER EVER happened and move on with his life. All he had to do was not think about it. How hard could that be?

The next morning, Squidward was a nervous wreck – one glimpse of his ghastly pallor would tell you that. For reasons beyond his comprehension, his hair would not cooperate today – no matter how much he brushed it, it refused to stay put, as if it wanted to spite him by adding to his disheveled look. Reddened eyes and deep facial lines of fatigue implied quite a few things. His anxiety announced itself emphatically by way of making him run his tense, shaky hands up and down his arms then around his sides and back repeatedly in frenzied motions. Getting to work had been an extremely taxing process – he’d struggled the entire way, and it wasn’t just due to the wintry weather. What if people knew? What if Spongebob said something? What if he wanted more? What if he thought Squidward enjoyed it? WELL HE’D RECTIFY THAT ONE! Because he DIDN’T! And he could look Spongebob straight in the eye and TELL HIM THAT WITH UTMOST SINCERITY! (Hopefully.) It was fine. He’d be fine. It would all be fine. Nobody else knew. It had just been a mistake and would never happen again – he’d make sure of it. Spongebob probably hadn’t even noticed the noises Squidward had made, so there was nothing to be ashamed of! IT WAS FINE.

The worn-down mess of a cashier crept to his station cautiously after forcing himself to enter the double doors, wringing his hands while his eyes darted to and fro. The Krusty Krab was quiet and still. No customers were around yet… Mr. Krabs was in his office… Where was Spongebob?

His question was soon answered by a yawn that caused him to jump.

“Ohh boy…” Speak of the devil – Spongebob toddled along on his way to the kitchen, rubbing at his eyes. He didn’t look as terrible as Squidward did, but he certainly wasn’t at his best. He seemed tired, but otherwise okay. All… Cutely bundled up like that in his snow gear. With his gloves and his hat and his scarf and his coat and his booties… “Morning, Squiddy,” he said, offering him a sleepy smile as he passed. The other was thrown off-guard when Spongebob walked right past him. Without a single mention of the party. What the HELL?! Newly enraged, Squidward called after him.

“SPONGEBOB!” He snapped. The blond pivoted on his heel a few steps away from the kitchen door, blinking.

“Wha huh?” Whoa, Squidward was mad already? What had he done?! Squidward faltered under Spongebob’s inquisitive stare that penetrated his very soul. He took a harsh inhale to steel himself.

“LAST NIGHT…”

“Ohhh! Yeah, some party, huh?” Spongebob nodded with a soft chuckle. That was probably why Squidward looked so rough – he must’ve had a LOT of fun! He was so glad. “I’m just tired ‘cause I kinda drank too much and stayed up a lil’ too late… But it was a good time, right? Were you there when we played Christmas Mad Libs? And then Christmas charades? And then ‘dress a person up as a Christmas tree?’ And then Christmas carol-oke? That was lots of fun, hehe.”

“WHA—No, I—!” Why was he being so casual?! Did he just not care about what had happened?! How could he even think to act this way?! “No, I meant earlier—“

“Ohh, earlier? Umm…” Spongebob’s brow furrowed contemplatively. “Like… Earlier as in… When we marathoned Christmas movies? Oh man, I wanna watch more tonight! I need to see Elf again!”

“NO! Earlier than that, you dunderhead!” Jeez, how long had they partied for?! “Right after dinner or—or whatever!” Squidward noticed Spongebob’s expression turn into that of bewilderment and his blood ran cold.

“… Right after dinner? Ummm…” The Krusty Krab’s star frycook scratched at his head, thinking as hard as he could. “Gee, Squidward, I… I think I remember Sandy gave me a drink during dinner… And then… Uh, I dunno. I think I got tired and took a nap and when I woke up a little later, the real party began! Let me tell you, she makes some killer baybreezes. And the best part is I don’t even have a hangover because Larry helped me keep myself hydrated!” How much Spongebob had imbibed was anyone’s guess – though it likely wasn’t much after he woke up from his nap. He only really drank at parties every now and again, so it was pretty easy to bring out the Party Sponge and put the Anxious Host Sponge to rest.

Squidward gawked in stunned silence. He’d… No way. No way. He’d… Forgotten? Spongebob had entirely forgotten about their encounter?! How… HOW DARE HE?! THIS ASSHOLE HAD THE GALL TO WALTZ IN, KISS HIM SO HARD HE QUESTIONED REALITY, LEAVE, FALL ASLEEP SOMEWHERE, AND FORGET WHAT HAD EVEN HAPPENED?! “Y-yuh… You… You…” Concern crossed Spongebob’s face as Squidward began to twitch.

“… Uh… Squiddy? Why are you twitching like that?”

“Yuh—you—y-y—I—gghh— AAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!” Squidward voiced his frustrations once again, yanking at his unruly hair. Spongebob flinched and, with a squeak, instinctively raised his arms to shield himself. Before he could inquire any further, the other stormed off with long strides, seething. Right out of the Krusty Krab and into the mounds of snow that blanketed Bikini Bottom.

“I CANNOT BELIEVE HIM!” Squidward shouted at a nearby snowman, who did not reply. “WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?! HE—WE—I— DIDN’T IT MEAN SOMETHING TO HIM?!” Cheeks blazing, he covered his mouth with a gloved hand.

Had he really just said that? He just got done insisting it didn’t MATTER what it meant to Spongebob! And it… AND IT DIDN’T! It was just that..! It was downright INSULTING! So Spongebob kisses the guy he likes and FORGETS?! Who would forget about something like that?! Even if the guy he likes hates him, the guy he likes is still super beautiful and fabulous and NOBODY should be able to forget the sizzling experience he’d gift to them! It was a PRESENT, all right! (Oh, don’t be full of yourself, Squidward.) All of that – all of that moaning and biting and licking and grabbing – ALL FOR WHAT?! FOR NOTHING?! HE’D HAD TO ENDURE THAT HELL FOR – FOR NOTHING?! HE HAD TO BE TORTURED BY IT AND SPONGEBOB COULD JUST GO ALONG WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD?!

It was true that Spongebob had forgotten – that part of the night was completely blanked out for him. He was under the impression he drank too much and passed out… Which was precisely the case give or take a few details, and it probably wasn’t the greatest idea to drink more after that, but hey. While he was clueless, their other friends weren’t. Oh no, they most certainly knew. They didn’t tell Spongebob for a specific reason – they really did not want him having a meltdown because they knew what he’d done hadn’t caused any lasting damage, and… It was fun to watch Squidward squirm. Especially in situations like this. So, if asked, they’d all pretend they had no idea either and just enjoy the show. It was a shame, though. Spongebob had his first kiss with the man he loved… And had no recollection of it.

Squidward spent a few minutes kicking at snow while yelling incoherently and snorting like an angry seahorse. Powdery crystals of ice sprayed in every direction during his rampage. The snowman sat there, a motionless observer. It was FINE! He didn’t care! Why would he care?! GOOD! This was GREAT, actually! He didn’t want Spongebob to remember! Because that meant he could just throw the memory away without issue! Without being reminded of it or pestered about it! He could pretend it never happened just like he wanted! He didn’t have to suffer – he could just ignore it, no problem! “Stupid Spongebob! Moron! IDIOT! BARNACLEHEAD!” He was only angry because he’d been subjected to torment and it had all been for naught! It was so RUDE! That guy was a real piece of work! “’I’ve been lookin’ all over for you, Squiddy!’” He mimicked bitterly, still stomping around. The darkened water overhead easily paralleled his mood. “YEAH, WELL, YOU’D BETTER NOT ‘LOOK FOR ME’ AGAIN! EVER! I WON’T ALLOW IT!” He never, EVER wanted more! He never wanted to feel the rushing warmth created by affectionate touches, or breathy sighs against his lips, or hair tickling at his jaw, or arms wound tightly around him, or…

He finally stopped and released a distressed wail, burying his face into his hands. HE WAS SO LONELY! He’d been single for such a long time! Far too long, really, and – wait a second…

It suddenly dawned on him that the only reason he sort of maybe (DIDN’T) enjoy that kiss was because… He was just so deprived of physical contact. Squidward didn’t want it to be Spongebob, he wanted it to be someone else… But Neptune hated him too much to grant him that. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to kiss someone… The reminder was painful. Maybe he should try finding a date again? That way, he wouldn’t have to feel so weird about this kiss with Spongebob, because he knew he was just lonesome and unused to such interactions! Yes… That was it! While it was horrifying to think he’d sunk so low and become so desperate he would even slightly savor any sort of contact with his neighbor, it made some sense given his current relationship status. He sank to his knees, reassured, a hand over his pounding heart.

“Oh, thank Neptune…” Squidward sniffled while rubbing at his face, some tension lifting from his stiff shoulders. “M-maybe I’m not so crazy after all… Just—just pathetically desperate. I… B-but I never want to experience that with him again! I’ll try to – to find someone. And then the joke will be on HIM! HA! He’ll still be a single loser and I won’t be!”

Desperate indeed, Squidward. That’s precisely why you’d been haunted by sexual fantasies of Spongebob masturbating when you found his collection of adult items some months ago. Desperation. That had been repressed, though, as this too might be. At the time, he’d been unyielding in his assertion that there was no way he was needy enough to daydream about Spongebob and the fact that he had was only due to his discovery forcing the repulsive imagery upon him. Now, he was relieved by the fact that he had ‘only liked it because he was lonely and needy.’ An interesting development, to be sure.

He’d run out of steam – it was time to go back inside. Eased by his realization, he would put all of this behind him and forget about it just like Spongebob did. The snowman, having grown tired of Squidward’s antics, turned and slid away, leaving him. A scoff sounded. “Puh. Some help he was. Snowmen are always so flaky.” He paused, and was then unable to prevent himself from snickering at his fortuitous pun. “Heh. Flaky. Snowmen, hahah. Oh, Squiddy, you are a true genius. You may be a deplorable pile of garbage, but you’re a damn genius.”

Spongebob watched his friend return through the kitchen window, his head resting in his arms which were propped up on the sill. To his astonishment, Squidward seemed to be in a much better mood now – his shoulders were no longer up to his ears and there was a swagger in his step. “Maybe he just needed to vent,” the blond mused, having seen his tantrum outside. What about last night could have possibly invoked such wrath? It was hard to tell just why he was upset sometimes, because what he said wasn’t always the truth. Even if there was obviously more to the story, it didn’t mean Spongebob would be able to figure it all out. It was distressing because all he wanted was Squidward’s happiness… He just had to keep trying his best to provide him with love and care.

“Spongebob.” He was wrenched back into reality by Squidward marching right over, placing his hands either side of Spongebob’s elbows, and leaning down just slightly with a triumphant smirk on his face. The other jerked back a little.

“Ah—?”

“You know that I hate you, right?” Squidward asked in a voice as sweet as honey – a tone that didn’t match his words in the least.

“Uh… Oh, uhm… Yeah?” Spongebob managed, feeling just slightly intimidated by such a direct approach paired with – well, you know. Hearing ‘I hate you’ wasn’t always that pleasant.

“And you know I’m not interested in ever doing anything of any sort with you, right?” Squidward had to be careful with what he said – he didn’t want to mistakenly lead Spongebob to believe something happened last night that he’d forgotten about.

“Uh huh?” Spongebob squirmed in discomfort. Satisfied, Squidward turned around to man his post.

“Good. I just wanted to remind you.” Ahhh, there! All better! Now that was cleared up! All he had left to do was destroy the memory. Spongebob sighed and padded back to his station as well. Squidward had been in such a good mood last night, too… He wondered if something happened. He had tried to make that party perfect, but perhaps he’d screwed up somehow. He sure hoped not. Either way, Squidward seemed okay now..? So it was likely best to leave it be.

The rest of the day went by without incident. Patrick swung by the Krusty Krab to invite Spongebob to go sledding with him to which he happily agreed – at the end of their shift, he donned his stupidly cute winter outfit and waved to Squidward before leaving. Ignoring him, Squidward headed home to relax and revitalize. That would henceforth be the motto: ignore Spongebob. Over the next couple of days, his attempt to do so was actually going decently well – he kept himself distracted, paying no attention to Spongebob and trying not to think about the thing until one afternoon when Sadie Asbury and Jennifer Millie walked into the Krusty Krab…

The pair entered holding hands, and they initially didn’t quite approach the counter – they stood back, studying the menu. “What did you want, sweetie?” Sadie asked. Squidward’s gaze flickered upwards from his magazine – they were huddled awfully close… It was cold, but…

“I don’t know, babe… I kind of wanted to try something different today…” Squidward’s brows rose steadily. Since when were they dating? That was news. He was a total sucker for gossip, so he paid attention to these things just in case something juicy was going on. Still, it wasn’t all that fascinating until a few moments later when Jennifer took Sadie’s face in her hands, giggling.

“Heehee! Do you know how red your cheeks are? It’s so cute!”

“Wha—hey, it was cold out! I’m trying to decide, c’mon!” Despite her protests, Sadie laughed in kind. Squidward couldn’t help but watch as Jennifer leaned in and kissed both of Sadie’s red cheeks, her nose, and then her lips. It was a brief gesture of endearment, but it caused Squidward to twitch and blush all the same. A sigh from behind him took him by surprise.

“Awww…” Spongebob, who had come to deliver an order, was looking on from the window with a dreamy expression, his cheek smushed into his palm. “How cute… So she did end up asking her out! Gosh, I’m so happy for them…”

“GAH!” Squidward’s cry attracted attention from not only Spongebob, but the women in question. “Spongebob what—“ He whipped around and, after taking one glance at his coworker, made a strange choking noise that stopped his sentence in its tracks. He had been avoiding looking at Spongebob for more than very brief periods for days now. In failing that, and making eye-contact to boot, he was instantly reminded of the thing.

For some reason, the sight of him just – something about – was his tie looser than normal? His hair seemed shinier too… And was that shirt tighter and more form-fitting than the others he owned? Was he hallucinating or—? Holy shrimp, was that cologne? Or was that his soap? Or maybe it was his natural aroma?! Why did it smell so AMBROSIAL now?! It wasn’t like Squidward never actually noticed the way he smelled; it had just become so oddly prominent since the thing! And WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A SECOND. HOLD ON A MINUTE. Glasses?! Since when did… Glasses—! DORKY, GEEKY, thick, black square frames that illuminated the stunning blue of his irises. That was—they were—he knew they existed, but Spongebob rarely wore them to work! He used his contacts more often than not! But wow, they looked really… Maybe he should wear them more often… The guy wasn’t doing anything but standing there, and yet—!

What Squidward is seeing: “Oh, I’m sorry, Squidward, I was just so distracted~… Did you need something~..?” Sparkles float about the kitchen while sexy jazz music plays in the background. Spongebob has cutely knocked his glasses askew with the hand that was pressed to his cheek. His spatula dangles daintily from the hand brought to his chest. He bats his long eyelashes as he speaks in an airy and teasing manner. His smile is demure, but there is a veiled playfulness that flickers within his cerulean depths. Half of his shirt is unbuttoned his tie is undone for no explicable reason.

What is actually happening: “Um, Squidward? Is everything alright?” Spongebob asks, concerned and terribly perplexed. He stands up straight, tilting his head just slightly as he waits for an answer. His shirt is of normal tightness and his tie is correctly drawn to his neck. Nothing is out of the ordinary. He is not about to start dropping patties ‘accidentally’ in order to flaunt his rear whilst picking them up or anything of the sort. He is simply standing there.

Poseidon help him, Spongebob’s lips looked so soft… The worst part was that Squidward now knew they actually were. Try as he might to bleach his brain, the knowledge remained. So pink and full… Slightly parted… Given a slight sheen from the lights… Just begging for a ki—

And at that point he’d had about enough. Squidward clasped his hands over his mouth with a look of sheer mortification. He’d gone a nice rich shade of crimson. With no hesitation, he leapt over the side of the cashier’s boat and ran for the bathroom. By some miracle, it was empty. He stumbled over to the sink and used it for support, wheezing, a tremble surging through his body. “C-c-calm down Squiddy, calm— calm— pull yourself together—“ He splashed cold water on his face to combat the scorching heat. “What am I THINKING?!” What method of sorcery was this?! What spell had Spongebob cast upon him?! Perhaps it was how utterly bewitching his gaze could be? Or maybe… “NO. Stop – enough.” He took the deepest possible breath he could to cease the downward spiral of his tumultuous thoughts. It was alright. All that happened was that he saw a couple kissing and there was NO need to freak out. The incident was still fresh so naturally, he’d be reminded of it. Everything was cool. He wasn’t thinking weird things about Spongebob and if he were, he didn’t mean it – his brain was just… Mixed up! He’d be okay. Easy. Deep breaths.

He felt weak… Oh, and FISHPASTE, he’d made a huge scene! He could hardly believe how badly this whole thing was fucking him up. He really had lost it and he could only wonder how he’d managed to sink lower than he ever imagined possible. Inevitably, Spongebob had been overcome by worry for his best friend, and his dramatic entrance of calling out the other’s name created another kerfluffle and poor Squidward ended up on the floor. “SQUIDWARD?! OH MY STARS AND GARTERS, ARE YOU SICK OR SOMETHING?! WHAT’S WRONG!?” Spongebob knelt down beside him and gripped his shoulders, panic-stricken. Rather than answering, Squidward merely dropped his head and panted, struggling to regulate his system. “Squid—guh—I’m—what…” Spongebob stuttered a few times, but in seeing he was getting no responses, instead forced himself to do the same to reduce the sky-high tension in the room.

The pair soon quieted themselves, and after a few moments of silent recalibrating, Squidward smacked Spongebob’s hands away and stood up, blinking away the unbidden tears in his eyes. “Don’t touch me,” he growled. “I’m fine. It’s none of your business. Leave me ALONE. I just have… A bit of a fever or something, and it’s making me feel weird. It’ll pass, and I DON’T need you mollycoddling me over a silly little flu. And if you dare say one word, Spongebob, so help me. Do. Not.” Gods above, HE needed a drink. A lot of them, actually. Or maybe he didn’t, since he was already fucking horrendously delusional. He half-wondered if he really did have the flu or if someone was secretly spiking his food or something. Gee, this all felt REALLY familiar for some reason… Though he wasn’t looking at Spongebob, he could hear tiny sniffles, but he was too furious and baffled by it all to care. Of course he was crying. What a shock. … Oh well. At least humiliating himself in front of customers was nothing new… And at least Spongebob was listening for once.

Squidward turned to leave, hoping the customers would shrug off what they’d just witnessed, but to his ever-present luck, he was met with their boss.

“Hold it RIGHT there, Mister Squidward! WHAT is goin’ on with you boys?! Yer leavin’ the customers by themselves out there! What’s all this fuss? Why’s Spongebob cryin’ on the floor? Why’d yeh go scarin’ me customers, Squidward? What is the problem here?!” The burly blue-clad man stood with arms crossed and foot a-tappin’. Eugene was none too happy – their antics were interfering with the flow of money! If only it weren’t so expensive to hire extra employees for when his first mates went AWOL…

“There is no PROBLEM, Mr. Krabs.” Squidward forcefully pushed past him, hands balled into fists at his sides. He refused to look at anyone, instead choosing a nice spot on the floor to stare at, wishing his cheeks would stop burning. “I think I’ve come down with the flu. That’s all. I was feeling a bit faint. I’m fine now.”

“The flu?! OH no, no employee of mine is gonna be contaminatin’ the food, the money, or the customers! Get yer hindquarters OUTTA HERE, Mister Squidward!” Eugene instructed, pointing to the front doors. He didn’t have to tell Squidward twice, that was for sure. In all honesty, he knew that it wasn’t a flu that had his employee all ruffled… But he’d begrudgingly allow it to run its course rather than say anything about it. If it was stirring things this much, maybe it would lead the two closer to an answer for their relationship. Maybe they’d finally get together and stop wasting so much damn time on this song and dance – then they’d make him more money since they wouldn’t have to keep disrupting things with it!

Squidward was slightly surprised by his boss’s allowance, but wasted no time in taking flight. Any and all stares and whispers were disregarded as he trudged right out of the restaurant to his boat while trying not to cry, his boots crunching loudly in the snow. It was fine. He hadn’t just made a complete imbecile of himself. No, no, NO. Time to go home. Time to take the week off and sleep the entire time.

Still sitting on the bathroom floor, Spongebob shuddered in distress – why wasn’t he allowed to help? Was Squidward really sick or was it something else? This was scary! He sniveled. Eugene helped him up and offered him a handkerchief. “Don’t worry about it, lad. It isn’t really that serious. He’ll be alright; he just needs some time to ‘imself. Try lettin’ him come to yeh when he’s ready, okay? It ain’t personal – he just ain’t feelin’ well and you know how that goes.” Krabs rolled his eyes. How crabby Squidward could become was astounding at times. His opinion was that the guy needed a good smack or five to set him straight, but he doubted it would work.

“Bu—bu—is he… D-do you know what’s going on..?” Spongebob wiped at his face with the handkerchief, still giving quiet hiccups and shaky sighs. Squidward ignoring him wasn’t all that shocking, but today’s reaction was so strange, and combined with the day after the party… He just couldn’t figure it out. He wanted to know!

“Well, I haven’t heard of any flus goin’ around, but with this blasted weather, I don’t doubt it,” Eugene said, glancing over at Spongebob. There was a pause when green met blue.

“… Are you sure?” Spongebob asked in a muffled voice from behind the handkerchief that he’d pressed over his nose and mouth, his watery eyes trained intently on the other. Eugene opened his mouth to respond, but at first, nothing came. He could tell… Spongebob knew. The boy was fully aware that it wasn’t a flu that was plaguing Squidward. He wasn’t stupid – okay, well, at times he could be, but he could also be very insightful and incisive. In that moment, Eugene wanted to tell him – he felt bad for him, and just… Oh, what a fine mess this was. Telling the truth would only worsen things; while it would explain Squidward’s moodiness, Spongebob would just be so utterly destroyed knowing he’d done that and even more wounded by the reaction it got and it just… It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth breaking the poor thing with anxiety because it really wasn’t that big of a deal. If Squidward told him, that would be handled accordingly, but the chances of that were slim to none. Squidward could take care of himself. His hissy fit would fizzle out soon. And maybe, just maybe, he’d learn a damn thing or two from it. This whole ‘not-so-secretly in love with Squidward’ situation would eventually hit a turning point… It was certainly ramping up. He hoped that it would wind up being beneficial for Spongebob. If only he could persuade him to chase anyone other than Squidward! Ah, but attempts at that had failed so far, and would continue to fail so long as Spongebob held out hope that there was a prospect of being with him.

Exhaling, Eugene reached out and gave Spongebob’s shoulder a solid squeeze, compassion gracing his features. “… No. I’m not sure, Spongebob. It could be anything. But, whatever it is, just let it be. It’ll pass.” Clearly, Spongebob wasn’t happy with this answer. He clutched the kerchief as he lowered it, his lip wibbling again.

“But—“

“No.” Eugene pressed a finger to his lips to shush him straightaway. “No, Spongebob.” A whine. “No. I know yer worried, but you need to stop. Go read a book or watch TV or whatever it is that you kids do. Just go clear yer head and stop tryin’ to fix something that doesn’t need to be fixed! Let him do it on his own.” Spongebob tried to protest no further. He only wilted – that wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but… Maybe Mr. Krabs was right. Maybe it was just something he had to let go of. It was hard because he was afraid he’d done something wrong, but… Squidward probably wasn’t going to tell him, so there was nothing he could do no matter what.

“… Aye aye, sir…”

“Good boy! Now off with yeh, go make me some money! And it’s Christmastime y’know – go look at lights or go ornament shoppin’ after work! Do something fun, treat yerself! Forget about that old stick-in-the-mud!” Eugene guffawed then, thumping his employee on the back so hard it knocked him off-balance.

“Wah! Uh—I…” With the force of the gesture, his glasses were knocked slightly down the bridge of his nose – after adjusting them, he chewed on his lip thoughtfully. Well… That did sound pretty fun… He did love going around the city to see all the lights! As long as he bundled up, he could window shop and maybe buy some presents for people! “I… Yeah. Okay, yeah, you’re right! I will!” A resolute nod. He just had to put his mind to something else – he could go see the FAKE SANTA! Those were like the real Santa, except they were just his helpers and they were all over the world! They looked similar to him but you knew it was a helper if he was working at someplace like a mall. The real Santa only had time to visit peoples’ houses on Christmas Eve, after all! He gasped. “MR. KRABS! Did the helper Santa set his workshop up at the mall yet?!” Eugene watched in relief as life and enthusiasm returned to Spongebob.

“Err, I dunno. I think so! You should go check later! Just finish rakin’ in the dough for today first. And if yeh see Pearlie when yer there… Please tell ‘er to stop spendin’ all me money!” He groaned at the mere thought of it. She had her own job and she was STILL using his money! Little bloodsucker… Took after her father, she did. He was proud, but his wallet sure wasn’t. Spongebob gave a little laugh.

“Will do, sir! I’M READY! ORDER UUUUUUUP!” He cheered, jogging back to his post to turn those customers’ frowns UPSIDE-DOWN! The thought of talking to Santa (or in this case, Santa’s assistant) was totally revving him up! He couldn’t WAIT! He was grateful to have Mr. Krabs to lean on for advice. He was feeling better already!

“I can’t believe this. I can’t. What was I doing earlier? Why was—was his shirt really unbutto—OF COURSE IT WASN’T, YOU ABSOLUTE KELP-FOR-BRAINS! What is the MATTER with me?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! I’VE DONE NOTHING WRONG! I don’t deserve this! This agony, this woe – it’s ENTIRELY unjustified! I have been nothing but a compassionate and kind person, and THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?! Thoughts of—of SPONGEBOB OF ALL PEOPLE?! And not only that, but having to endure a KISS from him!? I’VE GOT A REAL BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, KING NEPTUNE! His—he—it’s HIS fault for wearing those GLASSES and for being so IMPROPER as to UNDO HIS SHIRT AND TIE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORKDAY! POLISH HIS SHOES, WHY I NEVER! AND THEN HE FORGETS! WHAT AN ASSHOLE! I HATE HIM SO DAMN MUCH! I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM! HE DOES NOTHING BUT CAUSE ME ANGUISH! HE’S SO FUCKING INFURIATING AND RUDE AND IGNORANT AND IMBECILIC AND DISMISSIVE OF FEELINGS AND DISRESPECTFUL OF BOUNDARIES AND CLINGY AND PUSHY AND ATTENTION-HUNGRY AND SELFISH AND EGOTISTICAL AND PRESUMPTUOUS AND FUCK!! FUCK HIM! I DESPISE EVERY FIBER OF HIS BEING! SOMEONE LIKE HIM DOESN’T DESERVE ME! I’M TOO GOOD FOR HIM! I SHOULD HAVE ONLY THE BEST! HE’S NOTHING BUT A BOTTOMFEEDER AND HE ISN’T EVEN WORTHY OF BREATHING THE SAME WATER AS I DO! HOW DARE HE MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY?! HOW DARE HE RESORT TO UNDERHANDED TRICKERY TO MAKE ME—TO MAKE ME FEEL—AND SORT OF THINK HE’S—AGH! NO! Don’t fall for it, Squiddy! He’s not—it’s FINE! IT’S SO FUCKING FINE THAT I’M GOING TO FUCKING, JUST, FORGET ABOUT IT! IT HONESTLY NEVER EVEN HAPPENED AND I CAN JUST GO ON HATING HIM LIKE USUAL! I WON’T NEED TO DISGRACE MYSELF IN FRONT OF OTHERS BECAUSE I WON’T HAVE ANY WEIRD ASS THOUGHTS! LOOK, I’LL EVEN PROVE IT RIGHT NOW—“

Squidward was ranting and raving at the top of his lungs, doing anything to try to expel this unspeakable sickness that poisoned his body and mind. He was storming about his house, throwing anything unbreakable he could find. Upon making his eighteenth lap around his home, he circled back to his television whilst evading fallen objects, plopped his ass right down on the couch, and in some crazy, desperate attempt to prove that this wasn’t at all affecting him, turned on a romance movie. In order to calm his blistering blood, he panted harshly, bubbles forming each time his chest heaved. His teal tresses were completely ruffled and wild from him running about and pulling at them. He was so unkempt and out-of-sorts and it was so damn hot he was this close to running outside and faceplanting in the snow. … In all honesty, that was actually a good idea.

The beginning of the movie was mild enough that Squidward was able to ease his ragged breaths and fall into a stoic stillness. The main characters met one another and blah blah blah falling in love blah wacky antics blah blah. It was when they started getting closer that he became nervous. It was okay. Just two characters realizing their feelings for each other and going out on a date. Nothing wild or crazy here. “T… Take it easy, Squiddy old boy… Perhaps doing this today wasn’t the best idea…” He was still jittery from earlier. Soon, the time for the first kiss came, and he held his breath – here it was. The moment of truth. Carmine eyes were glued to the television as the pair embraced, running their hands over one another’s bodies, crooning affectionately in each other’s ears… The main character first kissed up their partner’s neck, then along their jawline to their chin… Their lips met, and Squidward swallowed thickly. It was a sensual, romantic kiss. It didn’t last for too long, and when they pulled back, they smiled, laughed, and held each other tight. This one was definitely more intimate than what he’d seen at the Krusty Krab.

His gaze gradually lowered after the scene ended. Trying his best to prevent himself from blushing, he stared down at his lap, hands clenched into fists. He breathed a puff of water. Unfortunately, his efforts to stop the heat were wasted – he reddened significantly as he processed the scene. Breathe… Calm… Breathe…

…

His kiss with Spongebob had been more of the needy, frenzied and passionate kind rather than the slow and sensual… What would it be like if..?

Naturally, Squidward began to shriek at the notion. This was becoming such a frequent occurrence that it was a wonder Neptune didn’t hear him all the way from Atlantis.

WHAT WAS THAT THOUGHT JUST NOW?! He’d FAILED! He’d utterly and wholly FAILED! Such a simple test – FAILED! WHY WAS IT SO DIFFICULT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THE DAMN KISS?! WHY HAD HE JUST IMAGINED ANOTHER?! He had TOTALLY just envisioned what it would be like to have that sort of serene and languid kiss with Spongebob! Oh, NEPTUNE! He’d legitimately imagined HIMSELF… Holding Spongebob tight… Running his hand down his back to rest just above his tailbone… While Spongebob’s hands roam aimlessly around his torso in turn… And Spongebob smiles and giggles softly against his lips between kisses… Then Spongebob moves to kiss lazily at his jaw and neck, and then nuzzles his collarbone…

This ended in him flopping onto his side in defeat and merely bawling into his hands. This was too much. It was EXCRUCIATING. He hated this – hated every second of it – hated the person causing it, hated that he couldn’t stop these invasive thoughts, hated that he was so weak, hated that he’d stooped so low, hated that his mind had apparently deteriorated altogether, hated the sick part of himself that seemed to like it, hated the fact that he was single and craved affection, hated the fact that he couldn’t fucking control himself in any capacity and repeatedly made an utter buffoon of himself in public, hated the nightmarish visions his mind conjured up, hated the fact that Spongebob had dared kiss him in the first place… He needed to call his therapist. Pronto. She’d know what to do. Maybe she could hypnotize him into forgetting? She likely didn’t have any specialization in that, but it was worth a shot to ask…

Squidward’s overdramatic and excessively volatile reactions to the subject of Spongebob would seem outlandish to anyone. They were unnecessary and unreasonable. They were undeserved and unfair to Spongebob. They were unhealthy for the both of them. Yes, Spongebob could be incredibly annoying, and disliking him was one thing – savage hostility and resentment that was expressed so consistently, even sans provocation, was another. While there was no excuse for his behavior, there was a reason.

An obvious reason would be how persistent Spongebob was – not only could his personality be entirely grating, but he also didn’t always know when to quit. He could be sort of oblivious and had trouble distinguishing boundaries. If someone was already cross with him and he kept on pestering them, it would only cause more issues. He had improved over the years, but he still had work to do in that area.

There was a deeper reason than that, however.

Ironically, Spongebob reminded Squidward of himself; everything he’d been taught to hate within himself. While perhaps difficult to believe, it was the truth – he had once been similar to Spongebob. He had once been unashamed in feeling and expressing enthusiasm and exuberance. While he did still hold passion for things, he forced himself to taper a lot of his excitement.

His mentor had been Squilliam Fancyson III. They’d dated back in college, and Squilliam refused to be seen with Squidward if he acted in what was considered an ‘embarrassing and uncool’ manner. No longer was he allowed to jump for joy – instead, he had to construct a pretentious and ‘adultlike’ persona. He could not enjoy things that were deemed as childish or lowbrow. He was not allowed to do ‘cringeworthy and immature’ things such as talk loudly with excitement over something, hop about in delight, or act in any way that wasn’t cool, collected and sophisticated. If he did anything of the sort, he’d be reprimanded. He had to be an adult, and adults didn’t show such emotions.

Spongebob proudly flaunted everything Squidward had been forced to conceal. Spongebob was permitted to be juvenile and carefree and jubilant and passionate and energetic and…

Squidward resented it. It roused a lot of negative feelings within him that were extremely hard to deal with, and thusly presented as anger, reinforced by the ingrained adult façade. At the same time, however, he secretly found it refreshing and endearing and… He longed to feel that way again. To break down these harmful ideals and to stop hiding his emotions. To stop hurting people. To be happy again. To live again. Maybe being a kid, a goofball, a wingnut, and a Knucklehead McSpazatron wasn’t all that bad.

Spongebob Squarepants was a good person. He was sweet, kind and caring. He always did his best to help others and prioritized them over himself. He strove to make people smile and brighten up their days. He was talented, entertaining and driven. While naïve and exasperating, he was still lovable – he had flaws, just like anyone else. Underneath it all, Squidward knew that he cared for his neighbor a great deal and was truly grateful for his generosity and devotion… And he really was so sorry for being such a despicable asshole to him. A friend who wasn’t a friend. A loser who didn’t deserve anything he was given. He kept repeating the same mistakes and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to make up for it. He hated Spongebob, but he loved him too.

That being said, that was all… Mostly… On a platonic level. Going any further than that reactivated his defenses and suppressed those feelings – though to be fair, they were usually suppressed regardless. Romantic was a step too close and it would turn his entire world and everything he knew upside down. Liking him in a platonic way was hard enough to accept – how could he even ATTEMPT to think about anything else? Squidward had denial on top of his denial and it was bundled up in rage and depression. Spongebob was annoyingly immature and he hated him, and those were the facts. He’d never been interested in him and never would be, and those were the facts. He’d always just see him as a moronic coworker and neighbor that he perhaps inwardly appreciated, and those were the facts. It had been this way for many years and it wouldn’t change, especially not from some stupid kiss.

There was no possible way he could feel something like that for someone he despised so much! It made absolutely zero sense. Imagining a relationship with him was nauseating – why would he ever want to spend time with him or touch him or share a bed with him or go on dates with him or ANY of that garbage? If others wanted to, whatever. While he questioned their tastes, it was neither here nor there. As for HIMSELF? Oh no, absolutely NOT. Spongebob’s desires be damned – it wasn’t going to happen. Ever. Not in this lifetime, not in the next lifetime, not in the one after that. Never. He would surely get over his little crush and move on when someone else came along – it wasn’t worth it to make himself queasy by contemplating the notion.

Squidward cried for a good hour, overwhelmed, confused and consumed by the ravenous maw of self-pity. He couldn’t handle this; he wasn’t ready. There were too many things to face… Not only did he have to work through and decipher his feelings with Spongebob, but also his feelings with himself and his past. It was all tangled up in a forebodingly gargantuan, gnarled knot that he had to try to dismantle. There was no sense in getting into it… Spongebob had forgotten about this kiss and he sure as HELL would not be reminding him, ever, at all. It was best to just bury this and never address anything. That way, so long as Spongebob never brought anything up, they could all continue on their merry ways and everything would stay the same and he’d never be required to face that knot.

The television, left unattended, pulsed with a soft glow, giving off restful background noise. The unintelligible chatter drowned out his heavy-hearted sniffles and sobs – only the blowing of his nose rose above it. By the time he’d exhausted himself, used tissues littered the area and the blanket he’d gotten drooped off of the couch and pooled on the floor near his feet. Everything hurt. The box of chocolate was now empty. He pushed himself up and staggered over to the front door. White flurries greeted him when he opened it, clinging to his shirt as they pleased. He could barely see due to how swollen his eyes had become, but he figured the snow looked deep enough…

He promptly allowed himself to fall facefirst into the pristine drifts.

While Squidward locked himself up at home to brood, Spongebob preoccupied himself by going shopping and seeing Santa after work. This continued for the next couple of days. Staying inside didn’t seem to hold a lot of relief for Squidward – while at least he didn’t have to suffer through going to the Krusty Krab and seeing Spongebob, it was just… Nothing helped. He was miserable for so many reasons. Not even his fuzzy bathrobe, chocolates and foreign dramas were working! Numerous things were tried, but not a single one assuaged him. He eventually decided that he should go outside and get the flow of some fresh currents, even if it was just for a short while…

It was flurrying. Flakes fell gingerly from above, enveloping the vast expanse of the seafloor in a soft silence. Such a silence was almost resounding. The currents rustled some leaves of kelp every so often and animals hid away in their homes. There was a satisfying heaviness in the water. The scenery was truly picturesque and it was… Soothing. Things were still and tranquil… He got a little lost in staring at all of the glowing lights strung on nearby houses. Since he had first made sure Spongebob wasn’t home before he ventured outside, he knew he was safe. He wanted to… Go into town though, maybe. Go shopping. A shopping trip would do him some good, yeah? He could look at art supplies and new clarinets… Yes. Shopping it was. He’d treat himself. Lord knew he needed it. He spent a little while cleaning off his boat and taking in his surroundings. As Squidward slid into the driver’s seat, he prayed he wouldn’t encounter too many lovey-dovey couples lest his fragile mind shatter more than it already had.

The city was hustling and bustling as per usual. Everyone was bundled up, head to toe, to shield themselves from the cold weather. Many folks were struggling under the weight of gifts, hailing taxies for their endless bags of presents. Others seemed to prefer window shopping, and were significantly less burdened. The streets and sidewalks were slushy and wet from snow, and salt crunched beneath many a passerby’s shoe. Christmas decorations were everywhere – lights and garland were hung on numerous buildings and trees, café signs had little gingerbread men and snowflakes drawn on them, and holiday music floated out between the opening and closing of store doors. Squidward headed straight for the music store – perusing the instruments would cheer him right up! It always did! The little bell on the door chimed as he walked in, and the shopkeeper greeted him from behind the counter. “Heyyyy! Zere he is! Squidward, où étais-tu passé, mon ami? It has been three weeks, I was getting worried!” A tired and crooked smile was Squidward’s response.

“Sorry. I’ve been terribly busy – you know how it is,” he said in a low voice, ambling over to one of the display cases, hands in his coat pockets. He’d known Julien for a long time now – he frequented the art and music stores in the area and had familiarized himself with the workers there. He enjoyed their company whenever he went, as they all had good taste and provided interesting conversation.

“Oh, oui, je sais. Ze holidays are always so hectic – it is difficult to get anything done! I am telling you, it is—AH! Squidward – you look terrible! Oh la vache de mer, have you been doing alright?!”

Squidward blinked – did he really look that rough? Yikes, how embarrassing… He’d better cover up some more. He pulled his scarf up to his nose, but not before daring a peek at his reflection in the glass of the case. “… Oh,” he unwittingly said aloud. Yes, yep. Uh huh. Mmhmm. He had absolutely left the house without taking much a look at himself and without making himself even remotely presentable enough for being in public. Why, again? Luckily, his hat covered his wild hair, but his face was an entirely different story. His cheeks seemed more sunken than usual. His nose was red from not only the cold, but very plainly from blowing it so much with how the blotchy color formed around his nostrils. His eyes were the true offender; they were bloodshot as could be and puffy to HELL and back with the skin around the corners being quite irritated. He honestly looked as if he’d been punched more than once. There was a pause as he inwardly panicked, searching for an excuse for his woebegone countenance, before he found an easy one: “… I’m, ah, sick.” Smooth. Nice. It was the easiest and yet the most believable coverup in the book, and it lined up with what he’d told Mr. Krabs! … Not that Julien would know that, but still.

“Zhen why are you out of bed?!” Julien chided, placing his hands on his hips. “You should not be wandering about, exposing yourself to Neptune knows what else! You need rest, not clarinet reeds!”

“I-it looks worse than it actually is, I promise!” Squidward held up his hands defensively. “Listen, I’m fine. I took some medicine and I’ve been in bed for days.” Both statements were actually true. “I’m finally feeling a little better and wanted to go out for a bit.” A lie; more like he wasn’t feeling better and was trying to by going out. Julien scrutinized him skeptically.

“… Hmph. So stubborn, you are. Just remember to look after yourself. Dans ce cas-là, while you are here, were you looking for something in particular?” Whew. Safe. Squidward cleared his scratchy throat.

“Not really… I might buy another instrument soon, though…” Maybe he should try something new. He’d never give up his clarinet, of course, but he wanted to try some other instruments too.

“Oh, oui? Do you know what kind you would like to try?”

“It might be time to get myself something in the piano family. I won’t buy it today – I’ll come back later in the week.” An early Christmas present? Yeah, his mood was improving already! He’d learn how to properly play the piano, and it would be FANTASTIC.

“OH~! MAGNIFIQUE~! Ici, ici! I will show you what I have!” Chirping in delight, Julien pranced over to his customer and tugged him along to eagerly show him the displays.

Meanwhile…

“… And Mr. Krabs wants another pony with saddlebags full of money. I know he got that last year, but he says he wants another. Okay, next, Sandy wants a HP Proliant ML350 G9 server – the uhh, one with Intel Xeon E5-2640 v3 Octa-core 2.60 GHz 16GB DDR4 SDRAM. Whew. That was a mouthful. Okay. Ah, Pearl wants front-row tickets to a Boys Who Cry concert with backstage passes. Larry wants a new—“

“Kid, could ya hurry it up a little? I hate to rush you, but there’s a line.”

Upon being interrupted, Spongebob looked up from his list to a slightly exasperated Santa. “Huh?” He turned his head a little to scan the amount of people waiting to see good ol’ Kris Kringle. “Oh, oops! I’m sorry! I’ll go for today! I made sure everyone already sent their letters to Santa, but I like telling you too, just in case. You got all that, right?”

“Yes, son,” Santa sighed, “I got all of it.”

“Great!! Thank you so much!” Spongebob hopped out of Santa’s lap, pleased with what he’d gotten done. Going through the entire list took a little while, so he’d been visiting the mall every day to see him! He still had gifts to buy too, oh… He really had to get on that! He hustled out of the mall, deciding he wanted to go check out the pet store first and window shop along the way. It was still snowing, but it had slowed down a bit. Something about the twinkling lights made his chest ache longingly.

He began his journey, strolling leisurely with his hands stuffed into his pockets and his eyes trained on every storefront he passed. “Maybe I should drop by one of the music stores in a while to see what I can get Squiddy this year…” Speaking of, he sure hoped he was okay… If not, he’d just have to cheer him up with the Best Christmas Present Ever™! “Ooh~!” Some attractive sweaters in a store window gave him pause, and he halted his trip to admire them. Once done, he resumed his walk, only to repeat the process as he made his way down.

Squidward, on the other hand, had left the music shop to go elsewhere. While pleased with his newfound knowledge of pianos, he now found himself surrounded with the thing he most wanted to avoid…

Love.

The streets were crawling with couples. Advertisements oozed romance and love of all kinds – after all, the holidays emphasized spending time with loved ones. He could visit his mother all he wanted – it was the ads with the kissing and the cuddling and the proposing that bothered him. Not to mention the mistletoe hanging all around – oh Neptune, he was getting flashbacks! He was beginning to grow flustered – his mood worsened with each display of affection he passed. Damnit, there went his progress. He’d anticipated this, but it still felt shitty… He just had to make it to the arts and crafts store. It wasn’t too far away now. He could do this – focus, Squidward! Eyes straight ahead! Think of the doilies! THINK OF YOUR DOILY COLLECTION, SQUIDWARD!

It would soon be apparent that this was the wrong time for a romp in the city.

Up ahead, he spotted someone positively glued to a store window, which at first, he didn’t think much of. They were bouncing on their heels with their hands and face pressed against the glass, making noises of delight and—wait a minute… That outfit sure did look familiar… The colorful teal, yellow and white wool hat, complete with pompom and earflaps… The matching striped scarf that had fringes at the end… The black peacoat that flared out a bit at the waist and went down to midthigh… The maroon leggings and the black snow boots with the straps on the sides… Squidward stopped dead in his tracks, which caused the person behind him to run into him.

“’Ey, buddy! Watch where yer goin’, will ya?” The stranger sneered as he shoved past him. Squidward didn’t have time to retort – he was too busy staring at the figure in front of the toy store. He couldn’t quite see their face as it was smushed against the window. It couldn’t be… Surely not—no, there were certainly others who owned an outfit as such! Still, though – and – oh no. Were those… Blond wisps of hair poking out from under his hat? Without realizing it, he had walked closer, and when the person pulled back enough that he could see their profile, the beating of his heart ceased.

As if that blue couldn’t get any brighter – his eyes were sparkling with wonder and amazement over the humongous tree cleverly adorned with toys in the store’s display. That smile was going to split his damn face in two one of these days. His cheeks were warm with joy, and his long nose nearly touched the glass that was fogged by his visible puffs of breath… To his credit, he had every right to be in awe – that tree was stunning.

Almost as stunning as the person standing before it.

When Spongebob began to pull away from the store, Squidward realized it was more than time to make himself scarce. He frantically ducked into a nearby alleyway, managing to get out of line of sight moments before the other waltzed on past. He watched him leave, probably looking like a total fucking creep as he was peering around the corner of the alleyway to do so, and all he could think about was… Just… Spongebob. Why was it always Spongebob?!

Shopping spree = bad idea. Very bad idea. Back to the house it was.

By the time he got there, Squidward had gone numb. His brain had utterly shut down in exhaustion from the multitude of intense emotions. The lights were left off when he entered his home. He grabbed his Teddy from the couch and brought him upstairs – curiously enough, he’d been clinging to that thing more often as of late… One could only wonder why – it certainly had nothing to do with the fact that it was a gift from Spongebob. It was just a stuffed animal, and stuffed animals were comforting. Right?

After undressing, Squidward lay in bed with Teddy close to his chest, staring at the ceiling vacantly. He could feel no emotion – that could potentially be considered a perk of full mental shutdown.

Spongebob was… Something else. He really was.

He didn’t know what to make of this. He didn’t understand his feelings, he didn’t know what sort of potion he’d drank to cause this, he didn’t know why Spongebob had a crush on him, he didn’t know why everything was throwing him for such a loop, he didn’t know… Anything, really.

Time for sleep. Before long, he’d recover from this, and hopefully forget about it. Spongebob would no longer have to worry about him, and things would go back to normal. With luck, Squidward would bury and forget about this incident. He’d forget he ever felt weird things for Spongebob fucking Squarepants and continue on hating him. Never again would they find themselves under mistletoe while Spongebob was drunk. Squidward would not have to face his inner demons.

… He was going to skip next week’s Very First Christmas™ party. Just to be safe.

#spongeblogging #squidbob #my writing #mele kalikimaka yall #the evil is defeated #i hope someone gets all of my references #im sorry again that this is so long

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