#now im just depressed!! so i have a chance....
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wip thing...
of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)
they mean the world to me
#bg3 spoilers#?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say.....#it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me.#i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee#i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable.#bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen#makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there.#dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it#augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH????#my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way.#Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3#I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE#AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY#grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear#truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol#if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life#being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer.#Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this?#For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online#someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this.#why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness?#What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...?#hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!!#i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful.#but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting.#I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself#I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.#I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come.#Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......
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#Okay so tw cuz im gonna rant about suicide#so back in July I planned on killing myself today#I told myself I needed to try n get better n if I couldn’t that was it#and I’ve tried I really have#and I’m obviously still struggling but not to the extent I was#like I’m depressed n my ed is getting worse#but I’m finally hanging out with D n she’s just so much fun to be around#im calling my bestie more and she sounds genuinely happy to hear from me#im doing a bit better with my parents to n im seeing my cousin more who I’ve missed so much#I have plans for break for the first time in years#im finally getting piercings#it’s crazy cuz even just 2 weeks ago I didn’t think Id be ok today#but I am like today isn’t gonna be another attempt I’m gonna make it#and that’s wild to me bc I was so bad over the summer I was constantly debating it that’s why I set the date#And I don’t think I’m fixed and there’s a big chance I’ll attempt at some point in the future knowing me#but right now I feel like I have a reason to try and I haven’t felt like that in a long time#okay I’m done now just wanted to say that#screaming#tw suicide#tw suicide mention#kinda
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i have theories that there could be disorders of sorts within my brain but i think im just like this more than anything. also im clinically depressed and anxious and so i think that controls my everything and there isn't room for other things to be at play this is just it. also self declared weird kid in childhood plays contribution. so whatever forget i even said anything
#im just a quirky little guy is all my final message and conclusion bc i never got the chance to see if anything else was up w my psych#after she went well i dont think it's this one thing. so we never went anywhere else after<3#also i feel a massive faker to think there is a possibility that i could have anything other than depression and anxiety#bc surely not and surely those two control everything. and it's stupid to think otherwise since theyve been basically lifelong#well. the anxiety at least. but sort of the depression too. at least at this point it would be basically half my life#so i cant tell. im sorry im rambling now IGNORE ME. IM SAYING NOTHING WORDS WITH NO MERIT. im just stupid#and weird. and depressed. and so on so forth etc#static.soundz
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#i am so in love its unreal. never have i ever before felt this wealth of human emotions so concentrated over the past month and a week#genuinely mind boggling how talking to logan more and more and then dating him has literally made me feel likr a new man.#not that im different or that i absolutely need him to function in my day to day life#but its the richness that being in love brought to my life that was unexpected#i had a thing with another online friend like 4 yrs ago and it never felt like much admittedly. i almost gave up dating when he broke it off#bc i thought there was something to online dating that wasnt cutting it and i didnt stand a chance at meeting someone irl#and that entire time i knew logan at least a little bit but we didnt really begin talking often until like#6 months ago maybe? and just the more we talked the more we clicked ajd i liked him so much but i was so afraid that it wouldnt be mutual#and i was so afraid that even if he is in what feels like a pretty open polycule hed never ask me out or anything#and then he did and my world felt like it exploded into a cacophony of colors and sounds and feelings and emotions#like something had been unlocked in me that hadnt been touched in years. my ability to love.#and with that came some of the most upsetting spiraling intense depressive states of my life. but it was okay. it still is okay.#its only been a bit over a month but it feels like so much more than that bc i feel like everything is so much more vivid now#i also think im beginning to take a very particular fondness to someone else in the cule but im so not stating who or expanding upon it#he also makes me really happy but i dont think im ready to take that step yet. even if it would be a dream come true.#i love what i have now and i dont want to complicate it yet.#a extremely loving and charming boyfriend and a couple of other close friends who happen to also be dating him is good. its awesome#i just. i dont know. i dont know how logan would feel abt it. i dont know abt how other guy would feel abt it.#sometimes im not even sure how i would feel abt it#aughghhhhhhhh. yeah. human emotion. love for my boyfriend who is beautiful and loving and charming and funny and talented. ueh#i dont think he reads these rambles. sometimes i hope he does. sometimes i hope he doesnt. i love him so much#i dont want to worry him with my shit constantly but it would also be nice to worry him with it occasionally#logan if you see this i love you more than words could ever describe. im so happy that ur in my life and that you chose me to be in ur own#gamey rambles#💜
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I wish I were still young enough to go trick or treating
#I could possibly maybe get away with it cause people think Im like 15 or 16 still#but most people don't even think teens should trick or treat so Im still stuck#without being able to tho it makes halloween so boring#like I literally want an excuse to dress up#and now if Im not working that day (like this year) I don't have a chance to#I don't have any friends#so there's no chance of me beibg invited to a Halloween party#and there's no Halloween events in my area where everyone can attend and dress up#and because I live in an apartment trick or treaters don't come to my place. they go across the street where all the houses are#like I could “dress up just because/for myself”#but you could say that for every day of the year#I could dress as a vampire or zombie whenever I please. but its only socially cool on this one day a year#what else is there to halloween as a child free friendless adult#ooo watch horror movies. I literally do that all year#my family didn't even decorate this year and it depresses me sooo much#and everyone around me has been saying since the beginning of October that they're over Halloween already#and want fucking Christmas to come#fucking CHRISTMAS??#you mean the most capitalistic expensive and stressful holiday? are you dumb?#you'd rather skip over such a whimsical day like Halloween for an over saturated over exposed holiday like Christmas#it makes me sooo fucking sad#Halloween is my favorite holiday bit its just. man its just not good or special anymore
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Painted my nails. Shit camera is shit so u can't see the sparkles well, but it's my magnetic green nail polish. Something a bit on the subtle side for a funeral :p I wanted to go black but. Not pure black.
It's a "celebration of life", as they're calling it. We're not going there to be depressed. We're going there to remember the man we all lost. And he would've Loved for me to have a little fun with it.
#speculation nation#nails shit#im not exactly enthusiastic about tomorrow. not the least of it being the fact that i cant run from my grief if im surrounded by it#but theres... a lot family drama around. some i hadnt even heard about b4 today haha#so we are just hoping that there wont be any Incidents.#never am i more grateful for my reputation of being a wallflower than i am now#me simply being there is a testament to my care. and they see that.#if necessary i may or may not just... fade into the background. i dont know. i can never predict this shit.#with my grandma's funeral i was downright peppy. in a way that threw a few people off.#especially since i was one of the handful of ppl speaking that day#dont know what possessed me to volunteer for public speaking. i was always pretty close with her tho#wanted to do it for her. not exactly jumping at the chance to be Emotionally Vulnerable in front of a crowd again#but i dont regret it.#ive been oscillating wildly between manic and depressive for Weeks now. so i have no idea what im gonna land on tomorrow.#either im happy being around family and end up peppy and social. or im depressed by the situation and end up quiet.#maybe both. who knows. i sure fuckin dont.#im gonna wear a dress for the first time in years and im Not fucking shaving my legs. i think im gonna wear tights or smth. might as well.#sigh. i dont like being so familiar with funerals.#i dont like being so familiar with death.#i hope i get at least a few years between this and the next death i experience. pleeaaaase haha#5 deaths in 5 years. i dont like it one bit.#negative/#i guess.
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Vent post.
So I found out I probably need a walker.
internalized ableism in tags but I'm going to clarify that this is only directed to myself and I think other disabled people are cool as hell and none of the things im describing myself with. No disrespect is intended to people who are going through similar things as me, you're strong and cool as hell. Its just different if its to myself. Please do not take this out of context, its a personal vent post describing myself and applies to no one else. Thank you.
Cw for: ableism, internalized ableism, small addiction mention.
#god i feel so fucking pathetic.#i dont think i deserve one. im not in *enough* pain.#i still have days where i can move unassisted without pain.#so i feel so fucking pathetic for feeling like i need one. im not in enough pain to justify it.#but at the same time it hurts. it hurts so much. every step hurts. every movement hurts so much and its getting harder every day.#but. its not ALL the time so i should just shut up and deal with it.#im trying to do thought excercises with my boyfriend right now and its helping. him saying stuff like#'if someone else was in your situation would you think they would need a cane or walker?' and my answer is yes of course.#and it is making me feel better but at the same time i just feel so feeble and helpless in my own body.#i need help. i need help so much. but theres also other disabled people who are in much more pain than me.#so why should i think i deserve extra help when other people have it so much worse. i'm *lucky* i'm not in as much pain as other#disabled people.#i feel like i should just count my blessings and deal with the pain. but. it hurts. it hurts so much every day. and i dont know what to do.#i cant actually get help until i move out of my dad's place since. he'd kick me out since he thinks i'm going to end up like my mom.#lying to get drugs and moving on to harder non medical substances. but. thats not what i want to do.#in fact ive told every doctor ive had about my family's addiction history. all of my medicine for my depression and anxiety are on#low doses they give to people who are pregnant to make sure theres no chance i get addicted or too dependent on the medicine. and like.#the one time i didnt get that was from post-surgery pain medicine my doctor described. a highly addictive intoxicant. but.#it only made me paranoid and afraid and it made me sooo scared. i hate the feeling of being intoxicated. it horrifies me.#but he'll still kick me out if i get help and i have nowhere to go.#so im just trapped. and im in so much pain. but its getting so hard to be a person. but because i live with him and hear him every day#im internalizing it so much. clearly i have to be faking right? how dare i claim to need all of this when there's actual disabled people#who actually need help#god.#im so pathetic.#i don't like how i am. i hate myself for wanting help i havent *earned*.#and i know. i know that's stupid. and if i met another person in as much pain im in i'd definitely say they need a walker and/or cane and#that they deserve to get the help they need to live their life.#but its me. so its different.
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#i have so much focus ability rn wtf why cant i be like this all the time?#after weeks of being too depressed and out of focus now im like a fucking laser#it hasnt tipped out of control yet. usually when i can focus it goes too far. it is sorta on the edge tho#like kinda wanna just stay up all night getting stuff done. just slightly too much energy but im going hiking tomorrow so i gotta sleep#ugh thatll be a waste of focus time tho :-(#well at least my mood is up bc i also already found out that the project i was proposing at the school i was interviewing for was rejected#i dont feel too bad abt it tho. im not surprised. theres still a slight chance i could join the lab on another project but idk it might#be complicated with me being an international student. i just feel bad abt wasting the guys time tho#at least he likes me enough to still pull for me to join his lab. hes been v resposive too. maybe theres still a chance#i actually like this other project more than the one i proposed lmao. but cant get my hopes up lol#i have to finish all my other fucking applications lmao. me and my million applications#pls someone accept me. i promise ill interview better in future lol. at least i got further than the 15 other ppl who applied#i think they only accepted 2 projects#ah well. well see how long my mood holds out. i gotta get these manuscripts done#unrelated
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And now we are in the "constructing elaborate schemes through which I could avoid a situation I don't want to be in and which would not make other people think I'm lazy" phase of stressing about a test
#Like... It makes no sense#It's my last chance for that exam and I'm stressing bc for some fkn reason I could not focus on studying until 9pm the evening before#And now my brain is like: hey what if we purposefully fall down the stairs!#And it makes no sense bc even if I miss the exam with a 'good' reason I still get an automatic fail and I'd have to retake that one class#And still im thinking about how to avoid it with a socially acceptable reason#Ugh I hate my brain sometimes#I got 2 hours of good study time and now I'm too stressed to focus but before I wasn't stressed enough to focus#I fkn hate this shit why did I even apply to university I knew it was gonna be the exact same thing as with school#I don't wanna work I just wanna lay in bed and distract myself from the excruciating exhaustion of being alive#Now don't get me wrong I'm not in any danger of sh or stuff like that I'm just tired#I've got the 'I wish I could stop time for a week and just recover and not have to partake in life' not the 'i want to die' depression#So I'm good I guess but I am looking forward to my therapy appointment next week cause that's gonna be something#Well time to take another pill and try to focus. Who need sleep am I right 👍🏻#Wishing I didn't have adhd rn so the medikinet could work the 'I've got 627 things done 💪🏻' way and not the 'i brushed my teeth :)' way
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why the fuck did it JUST occur to me that Luz was basically reliving her father's death with Eda during Young Blood, Old Souls
#is it confirmed her dad was ill btw i cant remember#im rewatching so i guess I'll see anyway#but im watching the s1 finale and i had to pause because i just realized this#if her dad got sick and died? she came to the boiling isles and immediately found eda#and then eda looked her in the eyes and said ''im dont think im bouncing back this time. take care of yourself and king''#i imagine Luz's dad said something similar#''im going away. im sorry. take care of yourself and your mom for me okay?''#ya hold on i need to lay down for a minute#Luz was obsessed with fantasy for the same reasons we all are#escape this disappointing and depressing reality that just isnt built for someone like her#and she found the real life version!#only to be hit with#the Boiling Isles may have witches & demons & magic but. it's still the same. it will always be the same#you can't run away from the bad parts of life like your loved ones getting sick. & dying.#i had to watch someone i love so so much waste away to cancer & this is hitting me so hard right now god#i can only imagine what's going through Luz's head in that moment when Eda is telling her to go home to her family#she's seeing Eda go to her death. & this time she can DO something about it#she doesnt want to—or cant—go back to that house where her dad no longer lives and never will again#this is something like a second chance & HELL if she isnt gonna do everything she possibly can to take hold of it & not let go#im not saying there's nothing good about the world btw im just saying that sometimes the world seems that way#& you try to escape but you cant & it feels so terrible. you just need to focus on the good parts & love as much as you can despite it all#sorry for the rant this all just hit me suddenly. i saw that tiny little scene & it was like. I Understand Now. had to get it out#The Owl House#TOH
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hi mutuals. ive been gone all day in capstone hell in part bc my advisor is basically making me restructure the entire thing and it’s literally due on saturday. also if i look at a screen for another second my eyes will explode out of my face i think. like screens are so weird and 3d to me rn and it hurts my eyes and is too up close but also im pretty sure i have a lazy eye now so that’s probably why lol. but I have a week of this left at least atp except i can’t possibly ahve a week of this left because i literalt graduate a week from today. i feel like setting everything on fire
#purrs#what is it with me and my teachers / professors changing my entire project at the last minute LOL. throwback to ap art i. senior year of#high school when i was so fucking stressed out and depressed about graduating (hmmm sound familiar 🤔💕) and i had spent literally ALL YEAR do#doing my stupjd breadth and composition. or whatever it was like the names of the 2 stupid categories w head to do and i spent the whole yEA#year doing paintings for my compositon and i didn’t finish them bc i bit off more than i could chew (hmm sound familiar 🤔💕) and got permissi#permission from her to do my last like 3-4 paintings as collages in my sketchbook and then i had to give her mt sketchbook to like physicall#physically handle them and grade them (which was mortifying bc mt sketchbooks are like my diary basically) and after she gave it back she sa#sat me own and told me that she thought i had a better chance of getting a high score if in just used my sketchbook collages + some RANDOM#SKETCHBOOK PAGES that i had just been doing for fun and in my free time. instead of the paintings. thst i had spent all year fucking#murdering myself over. and iwas so angry but i went with it and i only got a 4 LMFAOOOOOOOO like this is just a repeat of that where he’s li#like you have to redo your entire fucking soi and break down everything etc etc and i swear to god i’ll get like a C. and at this point i do#don’t care. i almost broke down crying to him i was trying so hard to hold it together but i was telling him how i am worried about changing#so much of this right now not because I don’t care but because im exhausted and i DESPERATELY want and need to be done bc it’s been like#2 weeks of this at least. and he said nothing to that (in part bc i didn’t even look at him when i said it bc i was too embarrassed and bc i#said something else right after to lighten the mood bc i was too embarrassed) but like. lol still. this all sucks TREMENDOUSLY. i literally#am graduating in one week and it feels like i still have a month left and i have no fucking idea honwim gonna do this bc the stupid paper i#have been trying to write for the last 2 days he basically told me i have to redo in its entirety AND THE THING IS ITS 10 FUCKING PERCENT OF#MY ETIRE GRADE LKKE THIS IS SO STUPID HELPPPPPPPPPPPP help. this is so stupid and my faculty mentors can’t help me and im like ok maybe i ai#will go lie in the street right now. also not counting seeing glimpses of my roommates i haven’t been around another human being in person I#in a week and 2 days and ive only left my room 3#3x in that time span too all to go like take out the trash or some shit. so im absolutely done with everything LOL there is no way this#project is happening and i want to just dump the entire thing unfinished and say please just take it i can’t do it anymore i literally can’t#him: don’t even worry about the time rn. just pretend you have infinite time. me: crying cat meme. LIKE SIR I WOULD LIKE TO BE DONE THIS#VERY INSTANT! HAVE I NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH!!!!!!! HAVE I NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s the way i have literally created THREE#fucking collections of literature in the course of doing this project and it still isn’t good enough LOLLL like i appreciate you trying to h#help me do well and give me time etc bu you have to understand i need to be done with undergrad right this second or i will explode
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It still feels so strange to be living here again
#it’s just bizarre. I was so depressed I was so young I got so hurt here lol. I guess I have been ignoring those thoughts#I still do think about it fairly often certain things trigger certain memories but it’s still just the same reprocessing as always#but I realise this whole thing me moving back here must be kind of actually triggering to me in a way. but I haven’t been letting myself thi#think that#it’s really so strange#just being here#I’ve almost gotten over it it’s just hard to correlate the distance between who I was and who I am#like nothing has changed but everything’s changed but it feels like it should all be the same still like time never even moved#but my mother is not here not that she’s far but she’s not here which is devistating.#and I’m so old now I’m 21 I’ve grown up im not 11 im not that stupid anymore but right now im equally as alone which is hilarious. in a way#I can’t let anything go it’s so painful#I want to text Zack so bad but I hate him I just want him to take his stupid fucking words back#so scared of the girl I love I still leave everyone every chance I get I can’t stop leaving god it sucks it’s horrible#all I have is the night. it’s literally the only constant I know. I’m crazy#it’s so easy to forget who I am. I’m so bad at spending my time wisely these days. hedonist for numb#anyway sorry I’m not writing in my diary lately so u guys get to read this crap hope u find it interesting#personal
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#TW FOR DEPRESSIVE THOUGHTS DYSPHORIA SELF HARM ANXIETY#i’m doing. really bad right now. well not /really/ bad i guess#but really bad in comparison to how i’ve been doing for a while.#my dysphoria is out the roof and im feeling dysphoric about things that never bothered me before (like lack of facial hair)#but i know that if i take T without finasteride then my chances of hair loss are really fucking high based on both sides of my family#and i can’t handle that#but that means no facial hair for me.#and i got that feeling bc i saw a guy yesterday with curvy hips/ass and nicely shaped but he was still very masculine looking#bc he was strong and had a nice beard and “masc” tattoos#and then on top of dysphoria today my housemate came home a week earlier than what he told me so i wasn’t prepared to see another person#and i hate how uncomfortable i am being around other people but i just. am.#plus my job has cut my hours and i don’t even know if i’m gonna be able to afford bills and i have no savings bc i get paid crumbs#so now i’m worried i’m gonna have to get another job and i really don’t want one bc change terrifies me plus i’ll lose my health insurance#and everything feels out of my control and i’m just not okay and about half an hour ago i picked up my box cutter and got very#close to self harming for the first time in a couple of years and then had a breakdown (didn’t cut at least?) and now i’m here#just screaming into the void in an attempt to deal with it#anyways if you read this far i’m sorry. and also i love you /pl
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God what's the point of living every time I try to make things better and actually try to make connections and enjoy life something fucking stops it from happiness wheather its my mental health physical health or state of thr world. Everything's going downhill. I'm pretty sure between covid and trapshobia my life expectancy went down the drain and I'm not sure I'd want to live in this fucking dystopia anyway. And when I try to live. Because I fuck I might be running out of time. something ALWAYS happens and I CANT. I'm just stuck being miserable and alone and I fucking hate this!!!!! I just want to fucking be happy ok???? What's the point of life if it's just fucking misery
#vent#anyway i was in terrible fucking pain for like 6 months and now its pride and i had plans to like. try to meet people and date and go to ev#nts and my friends bridal shower aaaaaand i got covid. and because im a decent fucking person im isolation but im losing all my chances to#live and its fucking depressing. who knows what the state of the world will be like next june? asidd from worse#just#fck everything#also ya know. having adhd and extremem memory issues already makes it nearly impossibls to survive#i had years of my life lost to drinking alone in my room every night and being in excrusiating pain for months on end#i was too depressed and dysphoric and dysmprphic and i m so ducking broken#i hate being trans and grey aro and grey ace#i know its not bad and i love the community but its so fucking hard ya know#go dFUCK
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#going to vent here bc too heavy stuff to directly relay on my friends but im in the uk so i cant just get a therapist#anyway#i have become. so insanely depressed recently. bc my physical health has been declining and thats also taking a mental toll on me#i dont use depressed lightly. ive been officially diagnosed with clinical depression before and then it was gone for about a year#but boy oh boy its Back#and all my mental problems came back bc my physical health decided to just peace out. and now my mental and physical health are making-#each other worse#physically i have become so tired 24/7 that i just cant do anything other than work (because i need that to live)#and i dont know why! my body just stopped having energy! for months and months now. ive just been working and being in pain and sleeping#<- but also having insomnia so more like laying in bed and watching something to not die of boredom#i dont even work that much anymore. just my contracted hours. and i can see my coworkers handle it fine. they have time and energy to do-#things they want to do and not just live to work. but thats all im doing bc the moment im off the clock im taking my cane out to limp home-#and collapse in bed#i have a doctors appointment on thursday and if they tell me that its just from stress or smth im going to flip#bc no it fucking isnt!! theres no stress in my life other than the fact that my health is giving up#sure yeah my mental health is crap BECAUSE of the fatigue and the pain. not the other way around. so order some tests or i will kill#im already getting myself worked up bc ive been waiting a month and half just for this gp appointment#and i know theres a good chance they are going to wave it off with some stupid excuse instead of actually trying to find out whats wrong#if i dont get medical attention to solve this i might legit just off myself. im barely living as is. work is not living. i want to cry 24/7#everything hurts so much
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...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈
#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words#im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit#in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything#its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something#and every time its nothing#so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with#ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget#i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years#ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something#and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life#and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over#all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it#im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself#its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring#also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore#the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol#i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh#its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life#my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now#i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be#i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems#that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones#i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day#i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again#i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like#and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here#if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine#but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter#anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that#arent doing anything other then making me miserable
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