#also i feel a massive faker to think there is a possibility that i could have anything other than depression and anxiety | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hismercytomyjustice · 23 days

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Alack, I finished work too late to nap. 😭

Now I play the dangerous game of trying to stay awake while also hoping and praying I don’t get a second wind…

Also my therapist murdered me today. T_T It was a very good session, but DAMN she laid out some truth bombs.

We’re working on some light exposure therapy now on a potential obsession/compulsion we’re trying to verify. Nothing too intense, but it’s my first real time doing it so we’ll see how it goes.

Apparently there’s also ICBT that’s tailored specifically toward folks with autism and OCD, so that’s pretty cool.

I had a formal Autism assessment a few months ago that kind of came back inconclusive. The administrator had been considering the diagnosis but her supervisor said I wasn’t showing Autism signs in enough areas in my life.

The assessor and my therapist both feel there’s a chance that I do have it though. My therapist told me today she felt I checked enough boxes, but she’s not a specialist in Autism.

Part of the difficulty is that ADHD, OCD, and Autism all massively overlap. ESPECIALLY OCD and Autism (see pic below).

So I’ve kind of been in limbo. I have two professionals saying it’s a maybe, but nothing definitive. If I don’t have it, my ADHD and OCD align in such a way that it mimics it pretty well.

The thing is, I’ve been told I’m REALLY good at masking by my therapist. I also score really high for masking on assessments. I think if I’d done this assessment in high school, there’s a chance I would’ve gotten the diagnosis without any doubts involved. But am I ADHD masking, Autism masking, or both?

Was I just an anxious, socially awkward kid who only needed practice interacting with people? Or did I just learn to mask/camouflage?

My therapist said she’s going to look more into what indicates autism vs OCD, but it’s not an easy thing to do. Folks are often misdiagnosed because of how similar they can be.

She also suggested we create my own venn diagram like the above with my personal experiences/traits to see if we can tease more of it all out into the open.

I’m kind of a late diagnosed OCD and ADHD person. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few months trying to better understand what I can attribute to ADHD, OCD, both, or neither so I can be mentally healthier and develop strategies accordingly.

I am really excited about the therapy homework she’s given me on this front because there’s a chance my need to verify whether or not I have Autism is being caused by my OCD. It’s a vicious cycle of “I’m pretty confident I have it and I have multiple professionals telling me it’s a possibility” to “I don’t want to accidentally co-opt something that isn’t true and be one of those mental illness/disorder/etc fakers” and around and around we go!

Thankfully it’s not leading to full blown distressing thoughts or anything. It’s more just frustrating/annoying not knowing for sure.

And the thing is, there’s a lot of healthy coping techniques that can suddenly become unhealthy if the OCD gets ahold of them. It’s normal to look for reassurance or to want answers for something like this. It can just be a fine line to walk.

My therapist told me today that one of the difficult things about OCD is that the obsessions have a hint of truth to them. Like, it’s very important to me not to claim something I don’t have because I know how fucked up that can be and how it makes it harder for people who actually do have it to get the help they need. That is a true statement. But am I just trying to be aware of that and to respect the community? Or am I working myself into an OCD loop over whether or not I’m a bad person if I could be mistaken that I have Autism?

I was talking to her too about how helpful it’s been to work through this stuff via journaling. I journal off and on, but doing it on tumblr makes it easier to not overthink it or expect too much of myself.

I feel like I’ve been learning a lot about myself though, so I’m glad for that.

Now back to trying to stay awake…

#life things #ocd #mental health #therapy

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bishreview · 3 years

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Track by Track Review - Hottest 100 2020

Wrote this article a little bit ago just for fun. Decided to post it on here with the thought of maybe getting back to the Bish Review. Also, put an asterix next to my votes (songs that made my top 10). Anyway, here we go:

100. Kool - BENEE

One of the many gems from ‘Hey u x’. Unlucky to hear her biggest hit so early on.

99. Itch - Hockey Dad

I thought ‘Brain Candy’ was a little bit of a disappointment, but Itch was one of the strongest tracks they duo have released.

98. Your Man - Joji

Surprised to hear this track in the countdown. Pretty solid tune though

97. Audacity (feat. Headie One) - Stormzy

He’s still one of the best from the UK rap scene and this track shows why.

96. Germaphobe - Hockey Dad

One of the weaker tracks, I thought, off Brain Candy, but not surprised a lot of Hockey Dad fans liked this one. Definitely plays into their audience’s taste.

95. Loose Ends (feat. G Flip) - Illy

I do not like Aussie Hip Pop. This track is not an exception.

94. Rain (feat. Tay Keith) - Aitch and AJ Tracey

The piano in this is very ‘Humble’ - Kendrick Lamar. Still a banger though.

93. Lemonade (feat. Gunna, Don Toliver and NAV) - Internet Money

Bit of a forgettable track. It’s okay, but feels like there’s a lot better like this out there.

92. These Days - Thelma Plum

First cover of the countdown. Still one of the best Hottest 100 number ones, and Thelma does it justice.

91. Charlie - Bugs

Second cover of the countdown. I do like this but I feel it doesn’t reach the same heights as the original.

90. No Time To Die - Billie Eilish

A little expected from Eilish but still a solid Bond song (the second in history to make it).

89. In Her Eyes - The Jungle Giants

I cannot wait for the new Jungle Giants album. They’ve gotten better and better with each release.

88. Heart Attack (feat. lau.ra) - BRONSON*

I fell deeply in love with this song the second I heard it. It just has this quiet yet strong emotion behind it. The production on it is something else as well.

87. Three Leaf Clover - Teenage Joans

A really solid debut single by the Unearthed High winners. Can’t wait to hear more from them.

86. Laugh Now Cry Now (feat. Lil Durk) - Drake

I still don’t get the hype for Drake. The falsetto “baby” in the chorus also never ceases to make me laugh.

85. Too Tough Terry - Dune Rats

Dunies slow descent from mature stoner pop to edgy tracks for teens has been hard to watch. This song just seems like a parody of the band.

84. Chicken Tenders - Dominic Fike

Has to be the sexiest song about the best thing in the frozen food section at the supermarket. Pity the album didn’t live up to the hype.

83. Down For You - Cosmo’s Midnight and Ruel

I was really keen for this once I heard about the collaboration between the two. Unfortunately it felt a little too much like a Ruel song and it doesn’t really feel like Cosmo’s Midnight had much of a touch on it.

82. The Clap - The Chats

It’s a bit generic for The Chats but I just like hearing them get more popular. Just hilarious dudes.

81. Weightless - Spacey Jane

One of the stronger and more unique tracks on Sunlight. The synth touches really suit the band.

80. Freaks - FISHER

Cannot wait for FISHER to just slowly fade away. His tracks all sound the same and are so basic.

79. my future - Billie Eilish

One of the best tracks Eilish has released. Love how this just turns halfway through from a really soft ballad to a bit of an electro pop song.

78. Lady Marmalade - G Flip

It’s a nice cover. The video of G Flip performing it though is really fun.

77. House Arrest - Sofi Tukker and Gorgon City

This song bangs pretty hard. I like a lot of Sofi Tukker have really been putting out some solid stuff.

76. Baby It’s You - London Grammar

This is a great track, that synth in the chorus is heavenly.

75. Photo ID - Remi Wolf

I do like this song but it reminds me of a track from the 80s or 90s and I can’t put my finger on what that track is.

74. Scream Drive Faster - LAUREL

When I first heard this I thought Ladyhawke was back in the mainstream. Little disappointed it wasn’t, but this slaps.

73. Don’t Need You - Genesis Owusu*

Possibly the best chorus of the year. Owusu has stepped up massively in the Australian Hip Hop scene.

72. Way Down - Ocean Alley

Ocean Alley have plateaued. ‘Lonely Diamond’ just felt like the band had become comfortable.

71. Obey - Bring Me The Horizon and YUNGBLUD

I just can’t take BMTH seriously anymore. They’re music has become so comically edgy.

70. Low - Chet Faker

Hey look, Nick Murphy has become Chet Faker again. Don’t know why he changes between the two when one is just slightly more soulful than the other, but he does release nice tunes.

69. Second - Hope D

I do like this female, Aussie version of Jamie T. It’s a really nice track. Also the number 69 is claimed by Hope D. haha.

68. Lie to Me - Vera Blue

I don’t know what it is exactly, but there’s something about Vera which just puts her on a different level than her counterparts. She’s just that consistently good.

67. Boss Bitch - Doja Cat

This track doesn’t get old for me. It’s so much fun, and Doja Cat owns it. Love it.

66. Fantasising - Skegss

This track really does have a very “Three Leaf Clover” vibe. I have enjoyed Skegss in the past but their new stuff hasn’t captured my attention really. Seems a bit run of the mill.

65. C’MON (feat. Travis Barker) - Amy Shark

I actually don’t mind this song, but why does it feature Travis Barker. It’s a piano ballad featuring a punk drummer, and he really doesn’t do that much. I’m confused, was he jealous of Mark Hoppus?

64. Soak Me In Bleach - The Amity Affliction

The song title reflects my thoughts when I hear that The Amity Affliction have released a new one. There are so many better Aussie metal bands out there.

63. Day & Age - Ball Park Music

BPM have a knack for writing amazing ballads. I wasn’t huge on their latest album, but tracks like this continue me having them in my good books.

62. Run - Joji

One of the best tracks Joji has released. A really mature song for the artist and a step in the right direction for him.

61. Pretty Grim - Ruby Fields

Ruby is good, but I feel she’s starting to release the same song over and over. Need something fresh.

60. Go (feat. Juice WRLD) - The Kid LAROI

Probably the strongest track by The Kid LAROI, but Juice WRLD outshines him just due to his vocal tone. He just sounds better.

59. Gimme Love - Joji

And that’s three for Joji. I really like how this song has two distinct sections and both are solid without overshadowing the other.

58. Fly Away - Tones and I

I still don’t get why Tones and I puts on that fake accent in her songs. It just detracts from what could be a nice pop song.

57. Sobercoaster - Beddy Rays

Really didn’t expect this to get so high. I’m happy though because it’s a really fun song.

56. On The Line - San Cisco

Tracks like this keep me invested in San Cisco. They can really release some brilliant stuff.

55. I Think You’re Great - Alex The Astronaut

The fine line between overly chessy and adorably optimistic is what Alex walks on with every track. I think this falls on the former side sadly.

54. Blue - Eiffel 65 (Flume Remix)

The fact that Flume puts so much of his identity into this remix is why Flume has been one of the most successful Aussie acts this past decade.

53. In Your Eyes - The Weeknd

If The Weeknd release ‘Blinding Lights’ a month later I’d believe that he would take out this countdown. He didn’t though and instead we are left with this solid track in the bottom 50.

52. The Glow - DMA’s

Why? Why did DMA’s have to get so poppy and generic. I loved their first two album, but I struggled to get through the third.

51. Your Love (Déjà Vu) - Glass Animals

Out of the three big hits the band had in 2020, this is the most underrated. There is so much going on here, yet it never feels muddled. Wavey Davey on fire here.

50. Nothing To Love About Love - Peking Duk and The Wombats

Although this is a nice song, there’s been so many 80s electro pop throwbacks recently that have been done better that this collab just fades into the background.

49. Wishing Well - Juice WRLD

This song is so beautiful and heart-breaking. Really shows why Juice WRLD became such a beloved artist so quickly.

48. Ain’t It Different (feat. AJ Tracey and Stormzy) - Headie One

This is a really cool collab. They use the Red Hot Chili Peppers sample so well and really flow so well with it that it feels almost effortless.

47. Animals - Architects

I like a lot about this track, but the chorus really hits another level. Feels cathartic to scream along to.

46. Pretty Lady - Tash Sultana

Was hoping Tash would move into a more psychedelic direction with their newer stuff, but this is still a fine track.

45. as long as you care - Ruel

A pretty by the books Ruel song, but he really does this style so well.

44. You & I - G Flip

Probably G Flips strongest release this year. The chorus has a lot of flavour.

43. together - Ziggy Alberts

Generic acoustic track by generic Byron Bay artist. He really took the cake this year for dumbest comparison, when he compared wearing a face mask to the holocaust. Thought he’d suffer a bit for it, but apparently his fanbase grew stronger.

42. WHATS POPPIN - Jack Harlow

Jack Harlow is just so much fun. He’s killing it, and WHATS POPPIN is proof of that. Keep the bangers coming Harlow.

41. I Still Dream About You - The Smith Street Band

I felt I was growing out of The Smith Street Band, their newer music just not resonating to me. Then they drop this and make me a big fan again.

40. Come & Go (with Marshmello) - Juice WRLD

Just that chorus. It is so enjoyable. He really was going places.

39. Righteous - Juice WRLD

A back to back, and from one of the more exciting songs on the album we get to one of the more sombre tracks. Everything from the guitar, the vocals, those synth notes. . . this track is just a perfect send off for the artist. R.I.P. Juice.

38. Parasite Eve - Bring Me The Horizon

This song is so unironically cringe and edgy that it somehow becomes ironically fun. It does the full circle.

37. SO DONE - The Kid LAROI

I do like The Kid LAROI, but his vocals on this, combined with the lyrics, just make him sound like a child chucking a temper tantrum. It does make me laugh though.

36. forget me too (feat. Halsey) - Machine Gun Kelly

If this song was released in the early 00s (where it belongs), it would’ve faded into oblivion. At least Halsey sounds pretty solid on her verse though.

35. Running Red Lights (feat. Rivers Cuomo & Pink Siifu) - The Avalanches*

My personal number one for the year. This song has that melancholic, nostalgic feel to it that just hits home every time. Also one of Cuomo’s strongest vocal performances.

34. Everybody Rise - Amy Shark

This song is fine. I wouldn’t go out of my way to listen to it, but it’s fun to sing-a-long to.

33. Breathe Deeper - Tame Impala

One of the best tracks from The Slow Rush. I love that piano motif throughout, and the bass is so funky. That weird bridge section towards the end is also pretty slick.

32. Criminals - DMA’s

The real criminals are the ones who told DMA’s this was a good idea. I just can’t get around their new stuff. I miss ‘Hill’s End’ and ‘For Now’.

31. Reasons - San Cisco

Tracks like this keep me from becoming a full time fan of San Cisco. They can really release some average stuff.

30. Bagi-la-m Bargan (feat. Fred Leone) - Birdz

Powerful. Birdz really took it to another level here.

29. Dribble - Sycco

Although I find there’s a lot of similar stuff out there, I think Sycco does sound like an original voice in the Australian music scene. She’s killing it.

28. Straightfaced - Spacey Jane

Although there was a lot of good stuff on Spacey Jane’s debut album, I found it to be quite repetitive. This track was one of the ones that I found to fade into the background instead of standing out.

27. Under the Thunder - Skegss

I really want to like Skegss, they’ve released some great tunes in the past. But this just doesn’t do it for me. It’s just boring.

26. No Plans To Make Plans - Lime Cordiale

Everything that makes new The Rubens tracks so average is presented here on a Lime Cordiale track. Obnoxiously quirky.

25. Reality Check Please - Lime Cordiale

Hey back to back Lime Cordiale tracks. And another one of their weaker ones. ‘Addicted to the Sunshine’ did this chorus better.

24. Blue World - Mac Miller

Didn’t expect this to make it so high but so well deserved. This song slaps hard but still continues the tragic story that is presented on his posthumous album ‘Circles’.

23. Good News - Mac Miller*

Back to back Mac! To be honest, I am close to tears every time this track plays. If only the lyrics “there's a whole lot more for me waiting/I know maybe I'm too late, I could make it there some other time/Then I'll finally discover/That it ain't that bad” were told to Mac before his passing, because he did have so much more to offer. R.I.P. Mac.

22. Complicated - Eves Karydas

This song is so good. I’ve heard it that many times but it still hasn’t lost its shine. So damn good.

21. Energy - KLP and Stace Cadet

I was really hoping this would crack top 20. Probably the best Dance track of the year. Such a jam.

20. Addicted To The Sunshine - Lime Cordiale

Despite thinking that ‘14 Steps To A Better Living’ didn’t have many new tracks that were that good on it, this one is nice. It’s just a pleasantly nice song.

19. You Should Be Sad - Halsey

I really don’t like Pop Country music but I also find it hilarious that the genre cracked the top 20. ‘09 Taylor Swift would be proud.

18. Tangerine - Glass Animals

With Tik Tok exploding in 2020 I don’t get how this didn’t get adopted by someone on it. It’s so primed to get hyped on it.

17. Is It True - Tame Impala

I think Kevin Parker’s vocals on this are underwhelming, but that might just be because the instrumental slaps that hard. The rhythm section is so tight.

16. Screw Loose - Lime Cordiale

This sound is what Lime Cordiale do best. We need more dub influence and less elevator pop influence.

15. Skin - Spacey Jane

No matter what you think about Spacey Jane, they sure do make some emotional tracks. One of the most powerful songs on Sunlight.

14. Tombstone - Ocean Alley

The verses are average and pretty bland but the chorus is amazing. Just don’t think the album resonated with me too much, and Tombstone is another mixed track off it.

13. Rockstar - Mallrat

Possibly Mallrat’s best song yet. Her laid back, relaxed style mixed with the low-fi production really meshes well.

12. Get on the Beers (feat. Dan Andrews) - Mashd N Kutcher

I’m not going to pretend this is my style, but the way this has resonated with Australians during lockdown last year makes the track way smarter than it deserves to be. It’s both ironically and unironically good.

11. On Our Own - Lime Cordiale

I’m happy the three best new tracks of Lime Cordiale’s debut were the highest placing in this countdown. This really is a nice song.

10. Therefore I Am - Billie Eilish

Not my favourite songs from Billie but she continues to be consistently good. The production on this is immense as well.

9. I’m Good? - Hilltop Hoods

I wish old school Hilltop could hear this so could prevent themselves every going this direction. Aussie Hip Pop is not a good genre. This is one of their worst tracks yet.

8. Sending Me Ur Loving - The Jungle Giants*

This song has so much flavour too it. It’s so funky and fun and the production is so tight. Also the guitar work is underrated here, not doing much but adding that icing on the cake.

7. Hyperfine - G Flip

Every time I hear this track (and I’ve heard it a lot) I completely forget about it a couple minutes later. G Flip is good, but this is forgettable.

6. WAP (feat. Megan Thee Stallion) - Cardi B

I understand if this isn’t your style, but I love it. I don’t think there’s ever been a song with so many quotable moments. Every line makes a statement that will get in your head. My personal favourite? “ I let him taste it, now he diabetic”.

5. Lost In Yesterday - Tame Impala

There’s a lot of songs on ‘The Slow Rush’ I like, but Lost In Yesterday I’ve always found kinda boring. It feels a little uninspired. Surprised that this was the album’s big hit.

4. Cherub - Ball Park Music*

BPM have released some great music over the decade but I think this is their best yet. It’s beautiful, emotional and has a fantastic, cathartic breakdown at the end. I love a good build up.

3. The Difference (feat. Toro y Moi) - Flume*

Everything about this track is why Flume has been so great for so long. This track is great for any situation. If I’m partying, I play it. If I’m relaxing, I play it. If I’m getting pumped up, I play it. If I’m sad, I play it. Flexibility matters.

2. Booster Seat - Spacey Jane

OHHH-OH-OHHHHHHHH AND IT FEELS LIKE THAT AGAIN! One of the best sing-a-long tracks of the year, yet massively emotional. Like damn this song is rough.

1. Heat Waves - Glass Animals*

If I had one word to express how I feel about this winning I would say “deserved”. Not many tracks were as perfect for 2020 as this one. Glass Animals love writing absolute bangers with emotional cores and this one is one of their strongest tracks. Glass Animals just continue to outdo themselves.

That’s it for now, gonna maybe start posting again. I dunno. See how I feel. Ta-ta.

#triple j #triple j hottest 100 #2020 #triple j hottest 100 2020 #Glass Animals #spacey jane #flume #Ball Park Music #tame impala #cardi b #g flip #the jungle giants #hilltop hoods #billie eilish

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rotzaprachim · 4 years

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Ok but your soc au was and is absolutely everything I need!! I saw ur draft and was instantly brought back to like 2018 but like in a good way??!? You’re so talented it’s amazing!!

i’m SO GLAD TO HEAR and not sure if this is about the Hunger Games Au or the misfit au but EITHER WAY i am always so so SO glad when people enjoy my extremely niche soc (+ even nicher soc AU) stuff it’s been one of my most consistent interests for five years now.

ALSO! There is MORE of the SOC misfits au and i actually have so many ideas and precise plot points i am going to have to take out a notepad and try to plan this bitch out? Which i NEVER do? But here’s a scene from the opening. Hope you enjoy!

CONTENT WARNING that while one of the biggest divergences i plan to take is that the AU will be far, FAR less sexual than Misfits as a show, taking in mind the younger general target audience and character ages of Six of Crows and respect for the characters, there is a sexual joke in this that felt appropriatedly teenage.

“We were given these powers for a reason. We have to do something useful with them. Use them to help people.” Inej insisted.

“Given these powers by who, then? God?”

“God wouldn’t give them to us as a reward,” Matthias said, suddenly flexing his hands nervously, as if the possibility of his newfound ability to turn things into instant popsicles had in fact been conferred by a far more demonic entity. Looking at Kaz, he thought there was something to that particular theory.

“Everyone shut up with making the fucking community center into some kind of fucking seminary. God’s faker than the blonde hair of the poor girl who delivers off-brand milk to this dump on thursdays, and if there’s any supernatural reason for our powers, it’s that fate decided they’d dealt me a fucked enough hand and might as well give me something with a purpose.”

“And that is?”

“Making myself fabulously, disgustingly rich.”

“Which you plan to do with your ability to inflict plain in what, the fucking community center? None of us have five fucking quid to rub together, except for Posh Boy Here.”

“I don’t have five quid either,” Wylan said quietly, getting mostly drowned up in the arguing.

“Yeah you do,” Jesper said quietly. Wylan almost flinched, unused to being heard in the chaos. “I know the pen you have. Some kind of an old school Lamy that needs fancy ink cartridges. It’s like, ninety at least.”

“You know about Lamy pens? From where?”

“I got a past even the devil would flinch from, merchling. I have seen things. Horrifying things, spine tingling things, th-”

“I’ve seen you before. On Tv i think.”

It was Jesper’s turn to be surprised. “I-”

“There is no fucking way you are going to do that. I’ve been trying for fucking years and I barely make rent.”

“Are you saying you have a sharper acumen for the world of business, Nina dearest?”

“I’m saying I didn’t get fucking arrested for eating pick-n-mix, that’s for fucking sure. Anyway,” Nina said primly. “I agree with Inej. If we have powers we should use them for something.”

“Like what? Fighting the oppressive overarching structures of society that hold us all down?” Kaz’s voice dripped with sarcasm.

“Yes.” Inej said.

“I was thinking more like. I dunno, small things. Loads of hopeless cases around here.” She shrugged. “Maybe we can make some a little less hopeless.”

“That’s going to be really easy, what with the dead body of our probation worker lying around premises. Yes reporter officer sir, we did help that old lady cross the road with her sunday shopping, now come take our interview and take our photos for the Sunday Supplement and yeah, sir, don’t notice the full on bloody corpse lying in the rec room.”

“We do it in secret. Have codenames to mask our identities, like real superheroes do.” Wylan said.

“They organise a cute little meet-and-greet with a real fucking superhero as an extracurricular at Eton, did they now? Give you have so much experience with how real superheroes operate, then.”

Inej’s eyes flashed. It almost looked like a warning, and he filed a mental note that she looked like she might have a little more lightening inside than he’d first judged. Kaz glanced away from her and stared at the wall where they’d hastily moved a big sign for Mommy and Me Musical Magic Monday Maraccas Momzanza!!! (6 months to three years) over what remained of the blood, which, given the deteriorating likely asbestos-ridden condition of this rattrap, would be a goddamn bitch to fully get out of all the cracks and gouges in the wall. After they dealt with the body.

The problem was, he liked the posh twit’s idea. Liked it a lot, far more than he was willing to let on. If there was anything he’d learned in his years in the Dregs, it was that names had power. Images had power, the idea that other people had of you. If they were properly terrified, they stayed the fuck away and did what you told them too. Make something greater than yourself, and have them fear it. That was the closest you came to power in this world.

So Kaz gingerly nodded, levelling his enthusiasm in a slightly bored town. “Yeah, eh. Let’s do that. Codenames. So they don’t know what ours are.”

“You go first, then, genius. What’r you gonna be going as? Cazzo Brekker? Dickhead of the nth degree?”

Kaz thought for a moment. Tapped his gloved fingers against his knee. “Dirtyhands,” he said.

A long, sudden pause. Kaz’s brain worked fast enough to realise the disaster he’d just set off, and he was suddenly, urgently, jealous of Jesper and his powers over town.

The silence was broken by Nina shrieking with laughter, harpy lad and almost doubled over.

“Dirtyhands? You might as well call yourself Filthy Fingers. Or better yet, Massive Fucking Wanker.”

“You could abbreviate that to MFW,” Jesper added helpfully. “In case Massive Fucking Wanker was too long to fit on the superhero cape or something.”

Kaz glanced around. Inej had disappeared, although rather that was using her power or because she’d always been good at doing that even before the electrical storm made them all freaks from one of Wylan’s comics, and Matthias was doing something that looked like praying fervently, hands clasped and searching strips of the grey sky through the cracks in the skylights, looking very much like a man caught in one of the lower circles of hell and searching desperately for deliverance.

“Very funny. I have a suggestion for you lot, then. It’s called D-E-A-”

He was well into launching himself at both Nina and Jesper, certain that if a fight broke out he at the very least wouldn’t be the looser, when he rammed into something small but very solid.

“What the-”

Some very sharp fingernails pinched his ears. Bold move, considering his aforementioned touch-me-and-feel-excruciating-pain powers. It hurt.

“Where-?”

Inej didn’t rematerialise. Jesper jumped up, though, as if someone had sharply stepped on his foot. “Oww, mate.” He reached out, swatted air. Nina tipped sideways suddenly, rubbing at her scalp. “Shit, did you have to yank at my hair that hard?”

She was fast. Tricky, tricky. Kaz mentally reassessed his current pecking order of bullshit-powers-by-order-of-danger

“If we don’t stop fighting, we’re all end up in prison again. Police’ll be here soon, and we need to make alibis. They’ll cross examine us and we need to make sure the stories match, because there’s no way they’ll trust any young offenders on our own. And we have to do something with the body before putrefication really sets in and the smell comes.”

Inej didn’t rematerialise. A veiled threat of another pinch, Kaz realised. He almost had to smile. Nina and Jesper both looked a little gobsmacked, and it dawned on Kaz that that was by far the longest string of words they’d heard Inej say at once.

“Fine.” He thought he saw a dark ripple of her hair, but it was nothing more than a mirage- a tease, he would have said, if it were Nina-” and she was gone again. “We will have veiled identities, but we will refer to each other exclusively by our true, God-given birth names. Kaz, Jes, Nina, Inej, Posh Boy, and Barry.”

“That’s not my name,” Matthias said.

“It’s fine, man,” Jesper says. “You can go by your middle name instead. Kaz does, which is why he’s referred to by the diminutive form of Kazzmatazz, instead of his first name, Demon.”

The clock on the wall hit five. Nina immediately started stripping off the required orange uniform jumpsuit, giving Matthias a good look at her cleavage.

“Don’t play with the poor boy,” Nina said. “He might almost believe we’ve all been possessed. Now has anyone seen where I left my bus ticket, lipgloss, and the half a hazelnut kitkat i saved from lunch?”

The wind, the unknowing observer would think, blew the ticket, tube of gloss, and wrapper, emptied, right back in Nina’s face.

#the soc misfits au #my writings #oh this felt like such a fun throwback for me too writing the Six of Crows characters!#thank you so much for this message agaon #anon #six of crows #kaz brekker #inej ghafa

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asclepyus · 5 years

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can you... share some gilemiya HCs? because i also vaguely crackship them until i got... interested. (also; thoughts on shirou/gil?)

ABSOLUTELY

Gil and Emiya didn’t get along at all when they first got summoned to Chaldea. Which y’know is understandable considering how the last time they saw each other went. For a while they both just avoid each other like the plague and try to avoid any kind of confrontation.

Eventually, they start running missions together and they still don’t really talk, they both find the other insufferable and don’t really see how they could ever get along. But Emiya, being the massive weapons geek he is starts to really take interest in everything that Gil keeps in his Gates. But he’d die before he admitted it.

It never occurs to Gil that Emiya really knows his weapons, so the first time Emiya calls one of Gil’s weapons by name he gets really surprised. He always saw Emiya as nothing more than a “faker”, someone who didn’t care to do more than copy weapons he came across. It’s at this point Gil finds himself becoming interested in Emiya.

It starts as small talk about the weapons of more popular heroes, chatting back and forth and sharing their knowledge on the lore of the weapons. Before either of them realize, the talks become a lot more frequent and they’re spending more time together than they really meant to. Gil is open about showing off the weapons he’s collected over the years, even going as far as to let Emiya hold them for a few seconds here and there. Gil would never admit that he secretly loved getting to show off and to be the source of excitement like this.

It accelerates pretty quickly from there, they already spent a lot of their free time together and were getting too comfortable with each other’s presence. It takes a lot of running in circles for the two to finally admit what they’re feeling, because there’s so many mixed emotions about their relationship and where they’re trying to go.

Gil is secretly pissed that Emiya is taller than him, even though before Chaldea he didn’t care all that much. He wears at least the bottom half of his armor whenever they go somewhere together to at least give him that little bit more of height.

That’s about all I can think of rn 😅 As for GilShirou, romantic is a no go considering. Shirou is a kid and Gil isn’t. As for familial/platonic though !! The possibilities are endless. The sheer fucking chaos of post Grail War Gil ending up living with Shirou and Taiga sends me. Like imagining him losing his powers as a servant and just being a one-armed asshole that lives with Shirou and does nothing but complain and drink all the wine is so goddamn funny to me.

#this started out as a joke and i just fell over the edge without a parachute #help #ash replies #anonymous

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mogai-monsters-and-more · 5 years

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Hey! Do you think that NB people are valid? I agree MOGAI is negative, but I think NB people are cool. It’s based in fact and culture (I’m a transmed too)

Feel free to not read if you want :)

Trying to keep this blog discourse free, so I’m not gonna engage in any in this post or any others. I personally don’t like the word ‘valid’ in this situation, I think Tumblr’s driven it into the grown and made the emotional connotation so intense with something being ‘valid’ or ‘validated’ that the word itself or assigning something as ‘valid’ just no longer holds any weight for me.

Now obviously, I don’t care if someone is cis or trans or nonbinary or whatever, I try to see people for the people they are, and I won’t judge them based on their labels. I’d never be mean to or harass someone who is nonbinary, and I’d certainly never tell someone who calls themselves a ‘dysphoric nonbinary’ or someone who says they suffer form ‘nonbinary dysphoria’ a faker or a trender or anything of the like, because I have absolutely no right to tell someone their distress or pain isn’t real. However, as for my own personal opinion, I don’t think nonbinarism is real. The cultural identities people use to back it up are often rooted in heavy sexism, homophobia, and transphobia. These third genders tend to be the result of strict gender roles that, when broken, condemn the person to being neither gender, or at least, not the gender they are. It kind of follows the line of ‘oh, you’re what we consider feminine and fulfil more feminine roles in our society despite being a man? Oh, you experience attraction to men like women typically do? Well, I guess you don’t get to be a man anymore’’ or vice versa. Additionally, instead of people being heralded as trans by the people who support these cultural third genders actually being considered a their true gender by their peers, they too seem shoved to the side under the thoughts of ‘well you say you aren’t a man, but CLEARLY, you aren’t a woman despite saying you are. We’ll give you a new third label that doesn’t allow you to be a man OR a woman but instead an ‘other’ and just call it good, m’kay?’ To me, a ton of these third genders seem to just be glorified cases of homophobia, transphobia, and sexism that people seem okay with because ‘it’s just their culture’, and I can’t jive with that, I can’t jive with taking away someone’s right to be who they are as a man or a woman because they’re different. I know of a masterpost debunking a massive amount of cultural ‘third genders’, but unfortunately, I can’t find it at the moment, I’m sorry about that :(

As for scientific proof, I’ve yet to see any that I find convincing. Brains have been proven to be just as sexed as bodies, and a mismatching brain and body sex has been shown to be the cause of being trans. As an obvious extention, the reason people are cis and don’t experience gender dysphoria is because their brain and physical sex match. The dissonance of having a brain of one sex and body of another results in gender dysphoria, the treatment of which is transition. Although the cause of the mismatch is unclear (What we know now is that it’s likely the result of a hormonal change in utero, as the brain sex develops before physical sex, but we don’t know everything about that yet), the mismatch is the proven reason for dysphoria and transsexualism. Following this, the only logical thing that would result in true ‘nonbinary dysphoria’ or an actual nonbinary person would have to be a sexed body mismatched with an unsexed brain, and honestly, that doesn’t seem physically possible. It seems just as physically impossible as a baby born with a completely unsexed body. I have never heard of a toe to tip unsexed person in my life, save for possibly miscarried fetuses with intense physical deformities. As a result, I’d think that an unsexed brain, especially one in a physically healthy adult human being is just not something that would happen. As a result, I don’t think that nonbinary dysphoria is possible, and as a result, I don’t think nonbinarism is possible. I can’t say for certain, but I think a lot of ‘nonbinary dysphoria’ or ‘atypical dysphoria’ and the like is either A) another condition that the person is mistaking for gender dysphoria or B) just plain old gender dysphoria being mislabeled due to some reason, such as a misunderstanding of gender dysphoria and what it is, not knowing gender dysphoria can be mild, severe, fluctuating , steady, etc., internalized transphobia, someone having difficulty understanding exactly what they’re feeling, and the like. There definitely isn’t just one reason.

All of that being said, I am definitely open to objective scientific studies delving further into this issue! There’s a ton we don’ t understand about the brain, and any research into it is a win in my eyes. Additionally, to repeat, I will never be mean, disrespectful, rude, or anything of the like to anyone for being nonbinary. Never. That isn’t how I treat people. I’d also never go out of my way to tell anyone who called themselves nonbinary that I didn’t think nonbinarism existed, I’d never harass them as a result, I’d treat them just as kindly as I try to treat everyone else even if we have differing opinions, and I’d be happy to try to support them as best I could if they needed it in anything. Again, I promise I’m not trying to upset anyone, I certainly won’t judge anyone for being nonbinary, and just like I always do, I’d treat them just as I will anyone else. I hope that answers your question! :)

#asks #nonbinary #opinion #transmed

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anthonybialy · 3 years

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Bankrupt Repeat

Of course Joe Biden sucks. Anyone surprised by hope evaporating still thinks pro wrestling is real. Frustration as the default setting is the natural result of winning by default. Nominate someone who isn't awful next time if you'd like to beat the equivalent of a Democratic write-in.

I don't want to review the case against Donald Trump one last time, but it's still not taking with a certain percentage of frenzied believers even after a full term of toxic exposure. So, we'll once again note the singularly unpleasant human is a wannabe elitist New York City liberal who never follows through.

A human black hole who brought out the worst in others spent his entire alleged business career faking success, too. The only difference now is we know his unfortunate tendencies applied to the presidency.

The remaining Trump diehards note with as much snark as they can muster fro their bunkers that at least there are no more mean tweets whenever Biden does something regrettable, which means we encounter the alleged defense regularly. But the decidedly rejected president's behavior is precisely what put the oafish incumbent in a position where his horrid opinions have meaning. It was the actions that accompanied the alarming social media posts. Psychiatrists would have only begun by expressing concern at his syntax.

Character is apparently unimportant as with Bill Clinton. And you claim the parties are different. Trump exhibits a hideous demeanor that sucks the soul out of any decent creature who had the misfortune to encounter an attempt to be triumphant, calculating, and impressive while screwing up spectacularly in every sense. But at least he massively expanded government.

Perhaps Republicans could avoid nominating a unique phony who's genuinely miserable for such an alleged victor. Once was probably enough. Learning lessons from what didn't work is for low-energy losers, which is why Trump boldly came up short at being president just like he did at countless businesses.

But at least there's no dignity in forced retirement. Picturing how awful it'd be to have a conversation with him if you'd like regular life to seem less painful. Spending 10 minutes talking with Trump would be the best way to give people a sense of why they want to avoid an eternity somewhere worse than his hotels. Anyone suckered into thinking he's interesting should have to go first.

Those who didn't grasp how full of it he was never will, which is why the notion of re-nominating the least deserving option possible remains depressingly possible. Trump's flimsy posing was the precise opposite of toughness. It's hard to believe it's still being debated. Of course, it was hard to believe in the mid-'80s when the undefeated business stud took down his own football league and brought even more vacancy to Atlantic City.

I extend best wishes to anyone attempting to dissuade unfortunate zombies still dreaming of re-election. The last defenders of the indefensible remain convinced their savior is the dreamy muscular embodiment of keeping his noble word even after a career spent doing the opposite.

Living as the most prominent phony merely culminated in a rather public presidential term. If you think this is another year that shows we've been abandoned by any supernatural force for goodness and decency, wait until 2024 when we hear from the worst sort of nostalgia crutch-users how the former board game pitchman and forgettable executive deserves another chance.

Anyone seeking a foe to face Kamala Harris and whoever her alleged boss is should start by spotting principled ideology, which is to say a bit more depth than praising those who praise him. Trump condemns anyone who accurately notes his ample shortcomings. The most psychologically simple human imaginable reacted like a true leader by figuring out what he thought voters wanted and crudely restating it. I'm as shocked as you by the lack of a finished border wall.

The last Republican president is ever so charmingly the precise opposite of what he says to be, especially for someone who runs his mouth without effect constantly. Pretending that snipping at anyone who hurts his precious feelings is toughness made the nation as masculine as expected. Don't even think of mustering enough dignity to rising above critics who should be below you.

A lack of integrity affects everything. The unwillingness of Earth's most powerful man to ignore the slightest negative feedback explains why he never signed Obamacare repeal. Please accept a threadbare excuse for the alpha male's weakness.

It's tough to claim being for the Constitution when you've never read it. The document is nowhere near as enthralling as Think Big and Kick Ass.

An incursion that went as disastrously as the campaign was a perfect finish to a rather imperfect term. Anyone aware of Trump since he brought bankruptcy when he boasted of prosperity was prepared for him to bitch about losing unfairly. But why research a dreamboat success's history? He said he was awesome, and who would doubt him now after a term like that?

Republicans still cope with the results of a loss by someone who did nothing with a victory. The poser's entire shtick is based in winning for winning's sake, which serves as the shallow liberal screenwriter's idea of commerce. Thank him for confirming the ghastly stereotype of soulless business titans instead of as attentive innovators engaged in negotiations with customers.

The worst thing about the post-Trump recovery is making it so liberals have a point. They got to gesture to a prototypically selfish, heartless faker and say he represented their foes. Biden's struggling to remember his name, much less his wretched agenda. But he receives undeserved praise for not being the cruel lunkhead he beat. All it took to beat him was not being him.

Trump's legacy is Biden. That really ticks him off, which is the only benefit. The rather depressing sequence makes it tougher to giggle about Obama's legacy being Trump.

Such a poor option winning surely must've involved skulduggery, which naturally ended with the all-time failure refusing to accept it. At least we know why Trump likes Confederate generals, as the fellow insurrectionist defeated lowlifes also couldn't take the Capitol. And that's the story of how America ended up with an addled government-adoring oaf who's still accomplished nothing outside of promising everything. Thanks, Donald!

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gaiatheorist · 6 years

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‘Hostile environment.’

Andrew McDonald, former chair of the Independent Parliamentary Standards Committee, and also chair at Scope, has stated that the UK disability benefits process is ‘Kafka-esque.’ It’s an article in The Guardian, I read it yesterday, shook my head sadly, and moved on, because I was still quite punch drunk after Friday’s Job Centre appointment.

I’m not going back into the comments section on it, because a large proportion of the replies yesterday were along the lines of “He doesn’t need the money!”, and that way lies more Witch-pricking, about being ‘disabled enough’ or ‘entitled to assistance.’ The gentleman in question has Parkinson’s, a degenerative neurological condition, and a diagnosis of cancer, recently, his disability benefit was cut off, in layman’s terms, the system decided he’d ‘gotten better.’ Yes, I’m rolling my eyes. It’s none of my business whether that individual could manage without state assistance, what concerns me more is the state of the state some of us find ourselves reliant on.

More of the comments were moderate and balanced, “If he found it difficult, how do other people cope?” Some of us don’t, and I’m deliberately blinkering myself from looking into statistics on how many deaths have followed the roll-out of Personal Independence Payment replacing the previous disability benefits in the UK. That’s a rabbit-hole I can ill afford to fall into right now, as much as I know I ‘should’ be doing something to help, these wittering accounts of what is ‘hidden, in plain sight’ will have to do for now. I am physically and emotionally fragile, as a direct result of two years of battling through the labyrinthine Universal Credit and PIP systems. (’Nervous breakdowns’ are difficult, when you don’t know how to break.)

Looking at the case raised in the article, it’s a very straightforward case of the DWP ‘trying it on.’ Clients/customers/claimants, or whatever we’re called this week, who have historically been entitled to Employment Support Allowance, Disability Living Allowance, or any other historical disability benefit are re-assessed through the PIP system. (Along with ‘new’ cases, like mine, I was declined PIP in 2016, I tried to manage without. I didn’t manage, and ended up re-applying in 2017.) If people can manage without assistance, they will, rather than submit to the indignity of explaining how they manage their intimate hygiene and toileting needs to yet another assessor. (Rolling my eyes again, at one of my assessors asking me if I wore ‘crop-tops, like sports bras’ to work-around the functional difficulties I have with ordinary bras. Sports bras are evil, they’re just as difficult for me to get into and out of as ‘normal’ bras, but nobody actually sees or hears the bra-gument on the days when I feel the need to present some semblance of decorum, rather than just fastening my top-jumper, and hoping nobody notices.)

Thousands, possibly millions of people in the UK will have had the dreaded brown envelopes, either to transfer to, or apply for PIP. There’s an indignant-teenager side-rant, “I didn’t ask to be born!”, about the insidious ways the systems have moved the goalposts, perhaps the previous systems were too lax, or maybe it is purely to reduce the government’s expenditure on disability benefit? The magic money tree, I mustn’t allow myself to be sidetracked on things I don’t think the government should be funding, I’ll be here all day. The decision, when that envelope arrives, is fairly binary, you either apply or you don’t. If there are any fiddlers or fakers left, they probably won’t apply, everyone knows the urban legends about the ‘scrounger’ with the ‘bad back’, moonlighting as a pole-dancer. (There’s another eye-roll, at my last Job Centre appointment, I’d managed to sit awkwardly as I was waiting to be called, and was acutely aware that I was limping, I had pins and needles. I tried to correct my gait, and very nearly fell over, conscious that limping to the desk, and walking away ‘normally’ would be observed, and noted. ‘Faking it’, anyone?)

Other people who won’t apply within the specified timescale will include those with literacy or visual issues, who can’t see, or understand the writing. That’s if the letter even arrives ‘on time’, bit of a hiccup with the DWP post-rooms, it would appear, my local Job Centre is heading for a meltdown already. ‘Universal Credit is changing.’, lucky for me that one of the traits of my complex combination of medical issues is to be over-cautious, I was able to decode the text in the letters, and navigate my way through the electronic minefield, to have my transfer completed within timescale, and not be bounced-out of the system. Judgement, and a touch of luck, that the Job Centre staff discussed amongst themselves whether to proceed with my appointment, because my ‘assessment phase’ was wrong. One of the free gifts with my brain injuries was hyperaccuisis, profoundly over-sensitive hearing, it’s excruciating in supermarkets and such, but I could hear the ladies having a quiet chat about which transfer to process, and which to recall for another appointment. My ‘old’ work-coach was there, and I heard her say, quietly, “She will already have done it.” The all-singing-all-dancing ‘Full Service’ system isn’t as straightforward as the government would like people to think, for every ‘transfer by this date’ letter, even for sometimes-highly-functional people, like me, there’s another layer of input, in the Job Centre. The claims are input into the new system, that the staff have only just been trained on, and the chosen ones have to be manually referred to case managers before they are fully ‘switched.’ Lots of people will have their claims closed or disallowed due to a technicality they’re not made aware of. The letters are very carefully woven into a timing-trap, it isn’t just the time-pressure of ‘complete all of these actions (and the other ones we’ll tag on) by this date’, they’re also sent out to coincide precisely with the end of the claimant’s ‘assessment phase.’ I didn’t know what an ‘assessment phase’ was until that appointment, or how close I was to having my transfer delayed or rejected, it could still happen, I have just enough money in the bank to tide me over if DWP don’t switch my claim within their self-set time-window.

(For anyone on UC, the assessment phase clause, explained as clearly as I can, my brain injuries have completely robbed me of my grasp of ‘numbers’ in general, they may as well be hieroglyphics, they swarm about the page like demented squiggly ants, and make no sense at all to me. If your assessment phase is ‘wrong’, the Job Centre staff have to make a decision whether to manually input your claim and evidence, or re-call you for another appointment. There’s a potential risk that your claim will be stopped if it isn’t manually over-ridden within your assessment phase. My payment date is the 15th of each month, and my assessment phase runs from the 9th of each month to the 8th of the following month. There is ‘potential for payment delay’ if the ‘new’ claim isn’t ‘in alignment’ on the Full Service system before the end of the assessment period. My appointment was on Friday 5th October, if the case manager didn’t sign it off on the day, I’m technically timed-out, because the 6th and 7th of this month are a weekend.) There’s a clattering great big massive guilt-trip brewing, and I need to banish it. Rationally, that hushed discussion between the work coaches, in deciding to process my claim, rather than the other person booked in at the same time was BECAUSE they knew I would have already completed the input properly, and turned up with the right evidence. I’m always going to be a ‘light touch’ case, I don’t need chasing or coddling in order to be compliant with expectations, the new work coach was astounded that I’d already ‘gone above and beyond’, and effectively done part of her job for her. “Oh, wow, you’ve already done it, you ARE good, did you write these yourself?” “Yes, I did, are they sufficient to pass scrutiny?” “They’re PERFECT.” I’m a particular kind of awful, and had written my own ‘Claimant Commitment’, in legal-compliant terminology that gives DWP no wriggle-room to sanction me for non-compliance. When I’m good, I’m very good. The misplaced guilt here is because I have enough money put by to cover my essential expenses for a couple of months if DWP start monkeying about with my payments, the other person (who had actually left the building while the coaches decided to call me through) might not have that buffer-zone. How’s that for a combination of Catholic guilt, and a Protestant work ethic?

My ‘conditionality’ group has only recently been changed from ‘full commitment’ to ‘work preparation group’, I’m declared as having ‘limited capacity for work’, which I accept, my functionality is limited. There’s another time-trap associated with that. I’d declared my disability right at the start of my UC claim, in May 2017, after six months of sick leave from my previous employers, trying and failing to link up the bits of the NHS who are still juggling me about like a hot potato. Without a formal PIP award, I wasn’t considered ‘disabled enough’, I’d re-applied for PIP in March 2017, when it became evident that I wasn’t going to be able to return to my job without significant risk to self and others. It was noted that I had applied, but, without the ‘award’, I was processed as a ‘universal’ claimant, that process is largely responsible for the decline in my health. On a standard claimant commitment, I was under constant fear of sanctions if I failed to actively seek any suitable employment. I’m wily, I was able to accurately record reasons why I wasn’t applying for ‘Recommended’ vacancies, sometimes hundreds of reasons a day. (Flashback, to a long-ago manager barking “Don’t give me excuses, give me reasons!”, when I was consistently below sales-targets for payment protection insurance. The reason then, as now, was that I’m too honest, my ‘excuse’ now is that my brain is damaged, I physically can’t work 9-5 safely, evening work is completely out of the question, and ‘normal’ environments present me with a level of sensory overload that’s frequently unbearable to safely function through.) I was able to do that, until I wasn’t any more, the pincer-movement of UC demanding to know what I ‘could’ do, and PIP focusing on what I ‘could not’ came very close to breaking me. The time-trap is that I was allocated into the ‘limited capacity’ category 9/8/18, for a period of 12 months, but DWP systems record the start-date as 15/2/18, so I’ll be re-assessed, to see if I still have brain injuries six months into a twelve month conditionality period. (Spoiler alert, I will still have brain injuries, I might have even more, dependent on the outcomes from my last scan, I may need further corrective surgery.) As pleasant as my old work coach was, she knew from the outset how to trigger the right conditionality group, and she didn’t/couldn’t do it until I used the ‘magic word’, they’re not supposed to give you opt-outs. I understand the logic. If everyone knew that a GP’s ‘unfit for work’ note triggers a pause in the relentless pressure of the UC commitments, we’d be back in the realm of ‘a bad back’ again. (Smirking, I have endometrial adhesions on something in my lower-right abdomen, and I fell over very badly at a family function earlier this summer, I have a bad back.) My GP knows I’m genuine, and not ‘swinging it’, he’s been adorable throughout this mess, but I’d already discovered that DWP tend to dismiss additional evidence from GPs as collusion, and I didn’t want to increase his workload. I bore the weight of that myself. Twelve week sick-notes aren’t handed out lightly, and he insisted on regular check-ins, because he could see what the enforced resilience was doing to me.

The resilience was because I had to fight my way through the PIP process. 17 months of my life effectively ‘lost’, my CV hasn’t been updated, and my references will be looked at dubiously, if the people are even still in post. 17 months of trying to ‘prove’ that my disability hits the shifted goalposts for being ‘enough’. It’s not funny that my physical and emotional health have actually deteriorated markedly during that process, it is, as Ken Loach pointed out, ‘conscious cruelty’. 17 months, living on fresh air and food-bank parcels by the end of it, but I lived, some people don’t. “I, Daniella Blake.”, as I waffled in a letter to my MP, I’m aware of most of my functional limitations, and I occasionally stumble upon a new one, and have to implement strategies to work around it. The very fact that I do that sets me at odds with the PIP process. “You stated that you have difficulties with ‘x’, I have decided that you can ‘x’.”, over, and over again, in some faceless ‘decision maker’ response. I had stated difficulties, because I do experience difficulties, perhaps not so severe as some, and I know for certain that I didn’t even list all of the functional impairments I have now, because the questions are so oblique that there’s no way to record everything. (The ‘Welfare Rights Advocate’, who didn’t really do anything, has been given my permission to use a template I created, to record my functional difficulties, in terms of physical/intellectual/emotional/social barriers, with associated risks and adaptations. That document wasn’t actually submitted when I eventually attended court, it would have blown the panel away with how much I contend with every single day, but the advocate was lax, and didn’t advise me whether to submit, so I withheld.)

“I have these disabilities, and they cause me difficulties with these ‘descriptor’ activities.”

“No, they don’t.”

That’s the gist of the initial application and assessment stage, IF you manage to fill and return the forms in the first place. You send in the paper forms, and someone, somewhere makes a decision on whether to allocate an assessment. My medical issues are sufficiently complex to warrant an assessment, I suspect that some cases will be rejected immediately, and that some of the forms won’t even be filled in to begin with. I don’t want to open the bulging file again to check terminology, but there’s a degree of assumed compliance to the wording of the questions. “Are you able to ‘x’?” “Yes/no/it varies.” People will tick ‘yes’ for things they are only able to do with ‘aids, adaptations, or assistance.’, because nobody wants to admit to being unable to manage absolutely basic functions, like washing, dressing, microwaving a bowl of soup, and the delights of explaining to yet another stranger about toileting. (Don’t get me started on “This includes assistance you have, or assistance you need, but do not have.” I live alone for the majority of the time, there IS no-one to provide assistance if I fall off the toilet, or bang my head on the wall trying to put my trousers on.) Once you tick ‘yes’, you can move on to the next question, blessed relief for some, who have difficulty with forms, or don’t want to denigrate themselves by detailing how difficult it is to perform the descriptor activities ‘repeatedly, reliably, and within a reasonable time-frame.’

Given enough time, I’m VERY good at providing evidence. Some people aren’t, and that’s my major concern with these systems, that the processes are so obfuscated and convoluted that the most vulnerable will fall through. On a procedural level, that means more high-end interventions for crisis-cases, in an attempt to cut benefit spending, this government is re-loading that cost onto the NHS, social care, and overstretched voluntary sector resources. (Some of whom are financially bound by effective ‘gagging orders’, their funding will be cut if they speak out about the causes of some of the issues they are dealing with.) I was able to apply for the benefit, sit through the ridiculous assessment, and stand on one leg, just in case I ever want to apply for a job as a flamingo. I was able to challenge the decision, at the ‘Mandatory Reconsideration’ stage, and bite back the bile that rose at the thought of a system that has a ‘Mandatory’ function for reconsidering initial decisions. They know that their initial decisions are wrong 7/10 times, that’s why they have that clause, they just rely on people opting out of proceeding, with no thought to the consequences.

My Mandatory Reconsideration response was a re-hash of the original decision, zero-points, not-disabled. From memory, you’re permitted one month to request a Tribunal Hearing if you disagree with the decision, more paperwork, more evidence, and DWP don’t appear to be under similar timescale constraints. I requested my tribunal, I ASKED to go to court in September 2017, Her Majesty’s Courts and Tribunal Service responded that my case would be allowed in November 2017, despite DWP having sent a response that the case should not be heard. That ‘do not allow’ response will throw some people, and they will give up, I didn’t.

My case wasn’t heard until July 2018, and the process was horrendous, not through any fault of the panel members, but because I have disabilities. I’ll park the Auschwitz reference that they were “Only doing their jobs.”, but the case due before mine had failed to attend, another opt-out, another non-statistic that could possibly become a different type of statistic. I was cross-examined by a panel, checking for inconsistencies in the information I had provided, there are no inconsistencies, because this life is the only one I have, there’s no fabrication or elaboration, this is what I have to live with, or not live at all. I didn’t understand the squiggles on the paper when I was eventually re-admitted to the court room, it took me at least a day, perhaps more, to be able to read that sweat-crumpled sheet of A4 declaring me ‘disabled enough’.

I will be re-assessed for PIP in 2020, to check if I still have brain injuries, but I’ll need to trigger the process myself, no less than 14 weeks prior to the expiry of my award. With brain injuries, that compromise my cognitive functioning. These are the systems I’m trying to function within. Tell me they’re not a hostile environment.

#DWP PIP Disability HostileEnvironment

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