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#bc i thought there was something to online dating that wasnt cutting it and i didnt stand a chance at meeting someone irl
lycanthian · 4 months
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#i am so in love its unreal. never have i ever before felt this wealth of human emotions so concentrated over the past month and a week#genuinely mind boggling how talking to logan more and more and then dating him has literally made me feel likr a new man.#not that im different or that i absolutely need him to function in my day to day life#but its the richness that being in love brought to my life that was unexpected#i had a thing with another online friend like 4 yrs ago and it never felt like much admittedly. i almost gave up dating when he broke it off#bc i thought there was something to online dating that wasnt cutting it and i didnt stand a chance at meeting someone irl#and that entire time i knew logan at least a little bit but we didnt really begin talking often until like#6 months ago maybe? and just the more we talked the more we clicked ajd i liked him so much but i was so afraid that it wouldnt be mutual#and i was so afraid that even if he is in what feels like a pretty open polycule hed never ask me out or anything#and then he did and my world felt like it exploded into a cacophony of colors and sounds and feelings and emotions#like something had been unlocked in me that hadnt been touched in years. my ability to love.#and with that came some of the most upsetting spiraling intense depressive states of my life. but it was okay. it still is okay.#its only been a bit over a month but it feels like so much more than that bc i feel like everything is so much more vivid now#i also think im beginning to take a very particular fondness to someone else in the cule but im so not stating who or expanding upon it#he also makes me really happy but i dont think im ready to take that step yet. even if it would be a dream come true.#i love what i have now and i dont want to complicate it yet.#a extremely loving and charming boyfriend and a couple of other close friends who happen to also be dating him is good. its awesome#i just. i dont know. i dont know how logan would feel abt it. i dont know abt how other guy would feel abt it.#sometimes im not even sure how i would feel abt it#aughghhhhhhhh. yeah. human emotion. love for my boyfriend who is beautiful and loving and charming and funny and talented. ueh#i dont think he reads these rambles. sometimes i hope he does. sometimes i hope he doesnt. i love him so much#i dont want to worry him with my shit constantly but it would also be nice to worry him with it occasionally#logan if you see this i love you more than words could ever describe. im so happy that ur in my life and that you chose me to be in ur own#gamey rambles#💜
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strawberry-lemonade · 3 years
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Funniest things I’ve said(in my opinion):
to my dad:
-that’s some.. ✨spicy✨ depression u got there
-*in response to “im looking for something straight”* u sure u got the right person for that??
-what the mcfudge-nuggets is a city tiddy and why does that name exist
-if i ask to borrow something, first of all I’m not asking, and second of all it’s not borrowing, cuz ur never getting it back
-*ahem* holy hexagon i thought u were a good driver what was that??
-that wasnt very gucci flipflops of you! u mad bro???
-father i require the cotton things^ from the big magic box*. the blood monster• hath returned. (^pads, *store, •period)
-i did a thing that i did not need to do which means that the other thing that i do need to do has not been thinged however i would like to do another thing so i will do that thing and continue to not do the original thing that needs to be thinged.
to my brothers:
-what the mcfuck is up you mcfucking whore
-add me back bitch
-*in response to “ur younger than me don’t ‘awe’ me”* id advise u to not get your hopes up
-one day im gonna get married to a tree for tax benefits and im gonna forcefully make you my maid of honor 💕
-u gucci????????
-i dont think dad made a very good choice in leaving the two of us home alone...
(my brother and i are the problem children and if i weren’t so good at covering tracks we both would probably be grounded for life.)
-are you stupid? like,, are you actually stupid??? That is the worst idea ever so obviously we are going to do it but know that you are a fucking idiot
-*somehow becomes my little brother’s official curser????*
(like he’ll be singing a song that i know and just before he gets to the part that says the f word he cuts off and looks to me and I’ll say ‘FUCK’ for him)
to my sisters:
-i know you’re straight and dont like girls but im bi and we have almost nothing in common and we need something to talk about so we’re gonna act like stereotypical high school girls and talk about boys all night.
-is this what being a >white< teenager is like??? We get to legally do illegal things because no one actually gives enough fucks to reprimand us for things that endanger both us and those around us????
-i think I’ll have another existential crisis, that sounds nice right now.
-jesus christ i think I’m normal now... that’s disgusting someone come drop me on my head again, i need another 14 years of trauma induced weird habits that freak my family out but impress my online friends
-jesus fucking christ i think I’ve fallen in love with more inanimate objects this is becoming an obsession do i need a doctor
to my friends:
-it gets ✨spicy✨
-Hello I See That You Have Followed Me And I Would Like To Ask If You Are Alright
-im in the middle of a pickup line battle with my friend and hes beating me 😭😭
-still got the pronouns right bitch (used they/them)
-okay i have ten bad ideas you have to fucking elaborate
-besides i wanna fight kids about whether cereal is soup
-DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS -yes- for some reason I don’t believe you
-I Mean My Father Just Pulled A Batman And Adopted Someone Because They Have My Brother’s Old Number
-i have been murdered -oh no- no it’s great life has no meaning anyways
-i defied the laws of physics *i just took a picture*
-do u wanna homo today
-oh good job on sleeping
-good night my yes homo bro
-jake peralta killed me T-T
-hey jay can i have a kiss? .. no homo tho
-hey wally u want in on the homo?
-jay come over here we need to homo
-*starts fake-dating someone that is literally named ketchup after fake-dramatically breaking up with s/o*
-As you can see, my detective skills are far superior to all of you.
-jay stop following me I’m breaking up with u
-As Drake would say, Peace in, you fucks.
-*brother dies* Ah. Peace has come to me once more.
-Did you have to kill him? Was my grandfather not enough for you?
-you murder-whore
-this is why i love you, you don’t discourage my homicidal tendencies
-hello i exist. I am not okay with it
-are you telling me not to stab someone right now because first of all how did you know and second of all why not
-fOUR DAYS_ that’s longer than I’ve been alive!!
-I’m gonna gay
-i just watched the music video for bang bang and no one can convince me that anyone in that video is heterosexual
-im a fucking narwhal
-they exist. I am legally required to pull a batman
-yA KNOW WHY HANDS ARE SO FUCKING SEXY TO ME?? I CANT DRAW THEM. AND I AM IN CRISIS
-why the frick frack knick knack slip slap mc mac and cheese are you so bad at taking care of yourself
-so anyways merry crisis eve eve
-and then i checked and was sorely disappointed that i dont annoy you but aNYWAYS
-*ostrich noises intensify*
-excuse me since when the fuck do i have a life
-*t-poses* AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
-even pieces of trash need to breath tho so stop making me wheeze pls
-my dude i have nOODLE ARMS_ why do u think I’m noodle jr
-ur right! I make the rules and the rules are no rules except for one rule that’s not necessarily a rule but its still in the rule book of nonexistent rules to follow bc they’re rules and rules are rules my dude
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96xie · 4 years
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2019
a whole summary of this difficult year
2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.
january
spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian
had such a good time with guildies from our game
met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established
tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once
feburary
continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.
actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))
one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.
also, a huge liar. yah, big no
i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened
towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.
i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.
even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again
a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”
march
met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.
also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo
remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him
i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)
this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot
also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place
april
tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!
also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean
also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun
i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis
((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))
spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho
unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.
may
so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away
but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (
i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting
eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much
june
my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying
my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!
went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun
rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again
also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (
july
went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild
also rolled there.
also threw up for the very first time
a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table
also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …
also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it
like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it
august
bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff
and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c
we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles
and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!
it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!
also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time
to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol
september
cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe
towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!
AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!
october
during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough
november
spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.
went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof
slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!
went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.
also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy
made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.
december
flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!
cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him
also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.
christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff
overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.
did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.
i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.
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68ejgppd-blog · 5 years
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In New Jersey, does the name on your car insurance card have to match the name on your car...?
In New Jersey, does the name on your car insurance card have to match the name on your car...?
...registration? My husbands name is on the insurance and I own the car.
BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurancecheapquotes.xyz
SOURCES:
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mothmansboyfriend · 5 years
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Hey Long Post Coming Up
Hello I’d just like to say that every fucking day I’m grateful that I somehow managed to not interact with any truscum/transmeds (or anti-mogai) or even see their shitty posts from ages 14 to 16 because those were my crucial years in figuring out my gender identity.
I began questioning my gender in 7th grade, but I ignored it and instead thought I was just a lesbian. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t do the cutesy send-a-note-to-your-crush-and-“date” thing middle schoolers do. I felt like the way I was was lying to boys, so I assumed that meant I didn’t like them.
One amazing thing that happened that year was my first major hair cut. My mom had always made me keep my hair down to my waist, and the summer before 8th grade my mom finally let me get it cut to my chest. I was elated to have shorter hair! It wasn’t as short as I wanted it, but it was something.
In 8th grade I went back to calling myself straight in my head. I stopped liking the word lesbian to describe myself. I didn’t know why, I didn’t tell anyone. I switched schools 2 months into that year, and met one of my best friends on this Earth. The term pansexual was introduced to me. I was ecstatic, although I didn’t really start using the word to describe myself until a few months later. A word that meant you liked someone no matter what their gender was. I loved everything about it.
That year I started asking my friends to call me Jinx. It started as a nickname, and turned into the name they used to introduce me to their parents. I’d always hated my birth name, ever since I was 6 or 7. I hated classes where roll was called, because I’d have to hear other people say it. I was pan, my name was Jinx, I was a girl, and I still wasn’t happy.
In 9th grade, I wore dresses and skirts more than I ever had before. I was allowed to wear makeup, something I’d been expressly told I was too young for the year before. I dated my best friend, came out to my parents as pan when they saw us holding hands on Halloween. We broke up after 6 months bc we didn’t really have any reason to date in the first place. It finally clicked for me what the word transgender was. Somehow I’d only ever heard it in a vague context on tv. I did nothing with this information.
Finally in 10th grade, huzzah!! I found a word I identified with! I told my friends I was genderfluid, used he/him, they/them, and she/her on different days. Some friends had still been calling me my birth name, and I requested that they only used Jinx on she/her days and Jack on any other day. I wore dresses more confidently, because I felt comfortable with myself and who I was.
I came out to my parents, and they told me I was ridiculous. They said I was a girl seeking attention, and that people didn’t have to participate in asking what my pronouns were, or even using them.
Keep in mind I didn’t really struggle with dysphoria. I wanted shorter hair, and for people to respect my pronouns. That’s it.
Two thirds through the year I decided I wanted a binder. Boys had flat chests, and I felt more like a boy most days, I wanted a flat chest. I bought a binder with my own money. My parents took it, told me I was going to destroy my body and regret it when I changed my mind. The only support I had was from my friends at school and online.
Imagine if I didn’t have that. Imagine if my friends online told me I couldn’t be trans or genderfluid because I didn’t have enough dysphoria. That I couldn’t be trans at all because I hadn’t hated my body since I was a toddler. That I couldn’t be trans because sometimes I was happy with my body and the way I was shaped. Imagine if other trans people told me everything my cis family did.
My dysphoria appeared and got much worse AFTER I experienced gender euphoria in the summer before 11th grade, when I realized I was a trans boy. I threw out all my dresses and skirts, and suddenly it wasn’t so hard for my parents to “participate” in calling me by he/him pronouns.
All I needed was support and time. That’s all I needed to become confident with my gender identity.
TL;DR: You don’t need dysphoria to be trans and if trans people had told me otherwise I’d still think I’m cis and I’d be fucking dead.
(This is okay and encouraged to reblog)
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yhellowmil28 · 3 years
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I know by the end of this letter I wont change your minds, but i feel the need for yall to know who he really is. I may have undershared him since i keep a lot of emotions to myself and wanna keep a private relationship but there is a reason why i feel so strongly about this..
It may seem that its like “the heart wants what it wants” but there more of what has been shown outside the surface.
1. He has supported me through a tough month of schooling. Firstly he was the one that distracted me at first and hear me out yes i lost myself and he did not deny it as well and apologized about it.. he even tried to refraine talking to me during the time i needed to catch up and focus on myself. Yet he stayed there giving me supporting words and affirmation that I could do it regardless of my parents being disappointed with me. And allowed space to happen kahit clingy shang tao. Right after that incident we vowed to each other that well working on ourselves sleeping early going to work (kc hes ruining his work din with lagi nlng umaabsent) yeah toxic ik but were working on ourselves individually while were together. I dont spend all hours of my day talking to hm but we usually plan our day offs and ample time doing nothing to watch a movie or spend time making simple memories. He even taught me how to cook and sent recipes on how to cook afritada which turned into a shit-show. It wasnt all interest and obsession. It was genuine. He even told me that “if i was looking for lande lng bakit dw sa malayo ko pa hahanapin yun na puede nman sa duol” i know words are hard to believe esp since online to pero its the way he communicated and relayed the message wothout hesitation. Its how his words aligned with his actions. It wasnt one sided.
2. He never even made a complain whenever i feel uneasy and doubted about someting. He showed me who called hm, showed me why his work schedule was all over the place and why he had meetings in random times and assured me all this without hesitation. He might not indirectly not told yall bc of his secretive nature and we have talked about this and even told hm that if youre dating me youre dating my friends too. He may not have shown it and to hm he was never friends with his exes friends before as well so everything was new. I explained thoroughly why i was disappointed in him of how much it really affected me and yes i know an apology does not cut it but i love the guy yo. Yall even do it and i know yall think maganad na sha esp since he done it once. He promised me though that he will not intentinally hurt me but he did not promise that he will hurt me unintentionally. I explained and he understood saan sha nagkulang. Im jst so nice that i did not push something more than hes comfortable with but he promised me that he will do it. If that ever becomes empty then thats when ill take matters in my own hand. I also told hm to talk to u guys. Tbh he was uncertain at first bc hes not a very open person to other people but i asked for hm to try. Yall really are too hard on him ive known the guy for two months and i understand the part where “the guy fucks up your trust its over” i understand why that should be implemented especially since we are no longer settling for less but cant you give him a chance at least? Im not blind guys i cried for days both of us cried for days for this.. he wants me to choose yall over him and damn i was so torn.. i knew i had to pick sides. But i thought about it long and hard and decided can we at least try to compromise. It will be hard for yall to accept hm i know but i asked hm countless of questions and its either hes a fucking gud liar or he really is sincere. I dont want to lose all three of yall. Im not trying to break anyones hearts. I know i give people many chances no matter how fucked up it is and i know that sometimes i pick the wrong people to fight for. But he promised me he will show me himself bfore the end of the yr. all i need for yall is to trust me. I know what im doing nman pow and im not blind not to feel the red flags.
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pastelacrylics · 6 years
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im gonna throw up bc i feel sick but this one’s for you babe 😘
Assault TW under the cut
Alright so the date started out pretty fucking fantastic and we were just being dumb kids and playing basketball, harmless and fun, right? right. anyways it was pretty good shit. we went downstairs and like an idiot i try to show him my favorite video game. it doesnt go well and he gives up but whatever. then my sister (i love her shes great and joined us up until this point) suggested playing minecraft. now, i hate minecraft. it is all the wrong shapes and triggers my ocd. i have lots of trouble with this and its dumb, i know. seeing that i was upset, he was pretty nice and said “maybe later” but like then suggested watching greys anatomy
now greys anatomy is the shit. i love it. its my absolute favorite show but it freaks my little sister out so she left. nows a good time to mention that prior o the date i said i wanna take shit really slow. like super fucking slow. that im autistic and it takes me a while to get comfortable with physical contact and i dont want that. that im ace and not interested in sex wit him. that he should avoid sexual situations bc idk what ill do. that i dont even romantically like him, just have lots of excited positive feelings about him.
i was alone with this boy. in the basement. note: i always go to the basement, and my brothers always make me uncomfortable when theyre down there. im not loud. there is essentially nothing i can do at this point. we watch a vague amount of greys, and i curl up into a tiny fucking ball. this is my normal. everyone on the fucking planet knows this is my normal. he ask if i want to cuddle, and i dont really say yes or no, but i was definitely telling him i was uncomfortable and wanted to take things slow. he cuddles me anyways, but he triggers a pressure stim so i assume it will be fine. eventually we stop watching greys and i recount all the noncon/ abuse so he gets why ive gotta take it slow
im not entirely sure how it got to this but before our vaguely sexual act he kept staring at me weird and i kept telling him to stop. he kept asking or trying to kiss me and i kept saying no. i dont know how many times i said no that night. after that he started touching my skin, but like in a nice stimmy way. i was okay with it. it reminded me of one of my friends comforting me, it was familiar. he started going towards my chest- note: im dysphoric as all hell and do NOT like my chest being messed with if i dont trust you. (Also some time during my telling him about my past he started trying to pull me into his lap. i only now realized its so id be sitting on...... anyways) i did not say no. i wanted to try. i wanted to be okay. eventually he pulled at my shirt and bra. eventually i was exposed. i said nothing. this was not something i wanted or was comfortable with, but this was MY doing. i started crying. i told him to stop. i told him no more for the night. i told him no more contact, yeah i was kinda turned on but i was overwhelmed, i was done, and i wanted to STOP. I told him it was done. We could continue to hang out, watch tv, he could go home when he assumed, but he would stop touching me. he told me “sometimes you need to push your boundaries” I tried to convince him to fix his problem so he would fucking leave me alone. he refused. we ate dinner. i grabbed another jacket and went to the bathroom or whatever. i went back down, curled up again. he tried shit again. i told him to stop. he asked if we could “cuddle” i said okay. he started involuntarily bucking. i told him this. i told him it was funny but to stop. he said okay. he didnt stop. he kept going. eventually i gave up. my brother came down and i had 15 minutes of peace. we started watching anime. he was staring at me creepy. he forced me into his lap. i told him to stop. i told him no. (i went nonverbal while he was bucking and this was him assuming i was “okay” again i guess idk it was gross) i was pushed onto my back. he pulled my shirt all the way up. he did what he fucking wanted. i gave up. he sucked on my nipples, he left a bruise on one. he moved onto my neck. he left another one there (i dont bruise easily, and i got it to fade quickly because i hated looking at the proof, and my body doesnt generally take to bruising) i was on my back. he moved my hand so i would be getting him off. he started to take his fucking belt off. i told him to stop. i told him it was time to go. I was not being penetrated without my permission ever again. he didnt want to leave. he asked me “that did nothing for you?” no. no it didnt do anything for me. i told you no. i told you i didnt want it. you make me sick. i just told him “no” and laughed it off
i told him to get an uber. i tried to kick him out. it was another 5-15 minutes of silence and avoiding touching him as he waited for his ride to come. i walked him to the door, and locked it. my mom immediately knew something was wrong. she asked me what happened. instead i wanted to throw up, and i went to bed. i told my best friend, and ex. my ex was really fucking good to me about all of this. he left his fucking hat and i want to burn it. i hate all men. i hate teenage boys. i hate misoginy. i hate that i didnt believe the last girl who was assaulted, who told me, because he lied to me. i hate that i can be clearly scared, and youd rather believe him. i hate that youre angry at me for this. i told the girl i didnt believe i was sorry, i confirmed something with the girl i fought with last year, i told my best friend and my ex. i told twitter “something happened” on private so a friend at lunch could see. i told an older friend so i could ask for help. i told my other best friend. (7 people online) but in person?   i quietly told 1 friend at the beginning of the day, 1 teacher who i thought could help me avoid him, 1 friend in my group that i couldnt participate (she was his ex, shed understand) and you. thats when i fucing told you. next i told a girl who i knew was vulnerable to that bullshit, then a teacher so i wouldnt have to. see him in the next class. then i threw up and went home. didnt even tell our last friend at lunch. he doesnt know what happened. he might assume based on the other two girls but i didnt say shit. (6 people in person) ...the teacher i asked to help me avoid him told my councelor and my principal and my mom was called. I said i was going to talk to my therapist first but that didnt fucking matter, did it? no one fucking gives a shit about me and im just making this up right? I had to recount details to my mom. she said it didnt count as assault because i. wasnt penetrated (legally it does) she said it wasnt bad enough. that i asked for it. that i should have been more fucking clear. that i. was sending mixed messages. that she went through so much worse. that it wasnt worth ruining his life over. that it wasnt worth sending him to jail over, that it wasnt worth having him marked a predator over (3 girls minimum have been attacked)  because im just fucking lying about this, right? and you dont believe me? well i cant fucking believe you. go eat lunch with someone else, and in the mornings im gonna hang out in the only classroom in the school that will protect me from him even though shitty people will be there too.  and babe? he told me hes glad im not mad. that ill see him again “soon ;)” he sucked on my lip and made me feel violated. but misoginy is so ingrained in us that you dont fucking support survivors, and you never support me. I love you but im so fucking done.
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nonbineryfoolery · 6 years
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Awkward ramblings about my feelings toward sex under the cut. If you read, please send me something private and personal you have no idea how/who to talk about in exhange so i can feel better about myself  maybe help you with it by giving my thoughts or just offering you a place to reflect on.
Okay so the thing is, ive never had sex (unless like mutual masturbation with a friend before either of us quite realised what masturbation was counts and i think not unless im being particulary petty) and i never used to bother me?
Like i was chill about it and i felt like i could have sex if the situation came up but it wasnt like i felt like its something i have to experience right that moment and go out of my way to get?
But then some while ago i started to feel like i actually really want to have sex even if i have to do something to have it (idk like meet people or something?) but like i have no idea how to go about it?
I feel like i could go for a chill friends with benefits thing w someone but i dont have friends that i think would be into that with me. I could also get on a dating app but i feel like im bad at judging character in short online conversations and im not really looking for a relationship. Also i live in a pretty small town and i know many apps are frequented by people i know and who i dont want seeing my awkward attemps to get sex.
Im really not that interestged in partying / clubbing although im planning on trying that later. I know ill feel awkward alone and even more awkward if im trying to hook up w someone when out with friends.
I could try going to the meetings for lgbt+ people but i feel like it maybe isnt the Place and if it is it might make socialising in them weird (as if im doing that now).
Im always going to pride events thinking im gonna meet a boo but ive never really made any friends bc i dont really feel comfortable speaking to people. 
So like idk? what should i do? 
Im going to another country for a school trip in a couple of months. Ive been thinking about using dating apps, going to gay bars and doing all that shit there but idk if thats a good idea. I dont know if it’s smart to use a educational trip to an ancient town as a way to (learn to) have anonymous sex? It could be fun & we should have free time but it’s probably not the safest possible way if i have no idea where the fuck i am.
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