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toastnpretzels · 2 months

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relationships: crosshair x reader

masterlist

word count: 733

warnings: angsty, fluff, there's an unexplained relationship between the reader and crosshair, kinda left it up to interpretation whether you think they were together before or if it was just them having feelings for each other.

season 3 episode 4 spoilers

author's note: i have not posted a fic in so long. ive been so busy but that doesnt matter. the new episode had me feeling some type of way so here you go. its kinda short but i didnt want to expand without seeing hunter and wrecker's reaction to crosshair being back.

thank you for any support whether its likes, reblogs, or comments <3

“I had help.”

The last few months had been terrible. From losing Tech and then losing Omega to the empire. Spending everyday looking for her with no success. Nothing was ok. All of us were miserable. Our family was being torn apart and there was nothing we could do about it. It couldn’t have gotten any worse.

Getting the comm from Omega was one of the best things to ever happen to us, but seeing her running down from the ship was even better. Embracing her, knowing she was safe, felt better than anything had. Things were starting to feel right again. All it took was one hug from Omega.

But then he walked off the cargo ship and everything in my body froze. He looked so different. He had been gone for so long that I thought the feelings had disappeared. Seeing him there, I knew they never were.

I forgot what it was like to be near him. I forgot how my heart sped up and how my head felt dizzy. I forgot how he smelled and how warm he was. I forgot how much I loved him.

After Kaller, nothing was ever the same. He wasn’t the same. The chip had changed him. The Empire had changed him.

He let us go on Kamino. The same day you had told him you loved him. On the platform before we left, with tears in my eyes. I told him I loved him.

“You shouldn’t.”

“Crosshair, please,” you whispered. He could hear the way your voice was breaking. You couldn’t lose him again.

When he didn’t say anything, you turned to walk away. Typical Crosshair to not say anything. He grabbed your wrist as you started walking.

“I love you.”

You stared at him. Your tears threatened to spill out from his confession.

“But I can’t come with you. You deserve better. This is where I want to be. With the Empire.”

I should have dragged him to the ship. I should have done more. But what more could you do when he didn’t want to be there. He wanted to be with the Empire.

Why couldn’t he have just came with you that day?

No one moved. Everyone was just as shocked to see him. No one knew what he was going to do, how he was going to react. He had tried to kill us before, but he had also let us go. No one trusted him anymore. You chose to remember how he had let us go.

You were the first one to move. Slowly, I stepped out from behind Wrecker. Every step I took towards him was filled with anxiety. It had been too long.

He doesn’t want to see me.

Is he still him?

Why did he come then?

Why would he still be here if he didn’t want to be?

You stopped a few feet in front of him. I could see how tired he looked from where I was standing. I couldn’t stand seeing him like this. It hurt so much. He had been through so much since Kamino.

What did they do to him?

I couldn’t stand there anymore. I ran the few feet that were left in between us. I wasn’t sure if he would push me away. As I got close to him, I fell right into his arms. I didn’t realize just how much I had missed him until this moment. He wrapped his arms around me in the tightest embrace I’ve ever had. It had been too long since I had felt him. He was safe. He was here.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered after a few minutes, so quietly that you barely heard it.

I looked up at him. He had tears that were threatening to spill over. Your heart broke at the look on his face.

“Shh. Not now. Just let me hold you.”

You stood there for what felt like an eternity just holding each other. Quiet tears were spiling from both of your eyes.

“I love you,” he whispered into your hair. His arms tightened around you again, as if he was afraid you would disappear.

It would be hard to forgive. Hard for everyone, not just you. So much had happened. But for now, all that mattered was that him and Omega were safe. Omega was home. Crosshair was home.

“I love you too.”

#crosshair x reader #crosshair imagine #the clone wars imagine #star wars imagine #clone force 99 #clone x reader #the bad batch #bad batch #crosshair tbb #the bad batch crosshair #tbb crosshair #the bad batch x reader #the bad batch imagine #star wars the bad batch

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dexiiexox · 5 months

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On tour with Matt!

a/n: I’ve been gone for a whiiilleeeee… heh :,)) buuttt I tried my best at writing this, even though I feel like Matt and Chris would be pretty similar while on tour, but I tried making it kinda different :)

Matt Sturniolo x reader

warnings: kissing, not much more really?

summary: what I think Matt would be like on tour :>

SORRY FOR ANY SPELLING MISTAKES❕

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First off I he would also have to beg you to come. Since you onbviously didnt want to ruin anything and you wanted Matt to have fun on tour.

"Babyy.. pleaasee, I promise you its no bother at all" Matt was sprawled over my bed, begging me to join him and his brothers on The versus Tour.

"But Matt I’m not so sur-"

"No but’s y/n, I genuenly want you to come, Chris and Nick dont mind at all!" he sat up, at the edge of my bed now.

I sighed.

"Please.. I need you to be there.." he was really begging. The way his doe eyes was pleading with you, made you finally give in to him.

"Alright.. Ill come with you Matt"

I stepped closer to him, in between his legs and he took a hold of my waist. I raked my hands through his hair for a little before my hands found their place on his cheeks before I bendt down and places a kiss on his lips.

Like we all know, Matt has anxiety and I feel like people might make it like such a big thing in their hc or fanfics. Dont get me wrong, anxiety can be different for different people.

But on tour I feel like Matt would need some ressurance or calling down before going on stage sometimes.

There would be a few times before one of the shows where he would get angsty, maybe overthink a few things or he’d straight up stressed (wether that is becuase he’s about to go on stage or some other stuff idk)

I also feel like Matt would be glued to your side, he’d be by your side every possible second (bro barely lets you get up go to the toilet)

Hand on your thigh when youre driving places or eating out, holding your hand, locking pinkies or having his arm over your shoulder when youre walking together, hugging you from behind and just random hugs in general (oh to be hugged by Matthew🥲💕) holding around you in bed, cuddling, spooning, you name it, he’s all for it🫶😘

I stod by the kitchen isle in the hotellroom we were staying in. I was making myself some tea (or any other profferes drink🌝). I was just standing there for a little, deep in thought, when suddenly two hands smaker around my waist, a familiar scent entered my nose and a head found its place on my shoulder.

"Hey Matt" I giggled.

"Hey sweetheart"

I felt his hot breath on my neck before he placed a kiss on my shoulder. We stod like that for a little while, enjoying the hug before sitting down by the table. Matt sat down with me and placed a hand on my thigh. I giggled slightly looking over at him.

"Are you okay Matt?" I asked, I always want to make sure nothing is bothering him.

"Yeah, just wanna spend time with my loving girlfriend" he smiled and kisses my cheek. I blused at his comment.

"Oh shush.." I mumbled taking a sip of my drink.

Like Chris, Matt would definetly pay for you everywhere you guys go, wether its some random plush at the thrift shop or youre going out for food. He is paying, no questions asked (treating you like the queen you are girl😘👑)

And of course he would make sure youre always comfertable with everything. And I mean everything. He wants everything to be perfect and that youre comfertable 110% of the time, that youre updated on plans so you know when everything is happening. (He’ll go to great lenghts for you babes, love Matt fr💕)

It would be the smallest things, and you’d hve to constantly reassure him its alright.

"Are you sure you want to sleep in these small bunks? I can figure out something else, more spacious and comfertab-" Matt had started rambling on about rearranging my sleeping space after I made the smallest comment about the tiny bunks in the tour bus.

"Matt its alright" I cut him off.

"The bunks are fine, they were just smaller than I expected" I laughed a little.

"Are you sure though? I can arrange something else if not you know" he rubbed the back of his neck and gave me a questioning look.

"Im sure Matt, dont worry, the bunks are fine" I smiled, walked over to him and gave his lips a little peck.

"If you say so" he chuckle lightly and just smiled at me.

————————————————————————

Heyhey, just wrote this from the top of my head💀 so sorry if its terrible. Ive been busy lately sooo yeah. This was lowkey pretty short, but I hope you still enjoyed it :))👍

Anyways, I hope you had a good night or day and youre worth so much💕💕

-dexy💕

#sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo triplets #sturniolo triplets imagines #sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #matthew sturniolo headcanon #matt sturniolo imagine #matt sturniolo x reader #the versus tour

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 5 months

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WIBTA if I didn’t let my friend bring their partner to social events?

We are all in our 30s and all trans/NB/queer. My friend (B) and I have known each other nearly 20 years, and over those years they’ve had a rough dating history. They’ve had several emotionally and mentally abusive or neglectful partners, further details about that I won’t give here. I’ve met most of them and they’ve always disliked me for various reasons (usually they were just jealous of the place I held in their life).

Recently though, B seems to have found someone who makes them happy (we’ll call them T) and T treats them better than their previous partners. Which is great! I’m happy for B. But I find T insufferable.

Granted, I don’t have to see T very often, but when I do its always uncomfortable.

The first time I met T they trauma dumped immediately. In the first half hour I knew all about their horrible family but couldn’t tell you any hobby or interest they had. We were in a very public place and I didn’t feel it was the most appropriate topic to get to know someone, but I tried to relate with my own stories all the same. However, T always had to “one up” every story I told. it felt like a “whose childhood was worse” competition.

The second time we all hung out T ignored me completely, really only hanging around and talking to B. Since it was B’s birthday I didn’t really mind at all. Plus, we were at a beercade so everyone was kinda off doing their own thing. But even when we all sat down they just kinda threw looks my way but didnt say a word to me.

But most recently I had hosted a halloween party (it was only 8 folks so tiny party) where B and T both showed up. When T asked me how work was going I started with what I felt was a normal “Ah yeah, it sucks but—” and before I could say anything else they spoke over me to say

“Yeah you’ve mentioned you hate your job every time I’ve seen you so thats sort of my only impression of you :/ ”

(a possibly important side note: B and T are both doing things that they enjoy but have to hustle a bit to make ends meet whereas I have a full time retail job through which i have insurance so leaving isnt as easy for me since I have more tied up in my job than just a paycheck)

This really pissed me off, as not only is being interrupted a huge pet peeve, but there are aspects of my job I enjoy. I just never got to talk about them because the conversation would either divert or we would just stop talking altogether. Also the way they came across felt pretty judgmental.

T then proceeded to spend the rest of the evening talking about everything from the movie to the snacks with therapy speak and trauma processing. (ex: I think I’m locked into this movie because it might’ve been a safe haven for me during my childhood and I just dont remember watching it but I can feel its importance to me) And only ever to B, never engaging with anyone else.

(another note: they are not the only one at the party with anxiety. two of my other friends have severe social anxiety and while maybe a little awkward were still able to hold casual conversations. no one was a stranger to anyone at the party)

This also meant that I didn’t get to spend any time with B during the party either, which was a shame cause I see them so rarely.

I understand that trauma processing is important and its great if you have someone in your life that can help you. It does not need to happen every where all the time. And I’m worried that B might be getting taken advantage of like they have in the past (in the sense that they have to do all the emotional legwork in the relationship and get very little of that effort back).

I’m tired of catering to this attitude and I don’t enjoy being around them, so I no longer want to involve them in group events I host.

would that make me an asshole?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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grrw--boy · 10 months

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•Sweat dreams•

Morpheus takes care of his sleepless lover♡ (morpheus x gn!reader)

Prompt: so many things got pilled up so you're unable to sleep properly for the last days, and morpheus decides it has been enough.

Tw: anxiety, trauma(?, fluff, comfort.

Its has been a hell of a month, maybe even a hell of years.

You'd haved never had a peacefull life, but lately life seems harder than ever, days feel longer and even more tiring, that not even the soft carress of my lover seems to erase the frown on my face.

Morpheus, dream, my love, he has always helped me feel normal, calm, wanted. So i cant help but feel guilty of being so distant from him lately, knowing full well he always tries to help me in any way he can.

But i cant really help it, can't i?

Work has been anything but gentle, with the amount of late doing work i have, im almost restless, not really taking breaks ethier.

Morpheus was anxious, scared even, he knew your work was tiring but this looks extreme.

Its been days since he saw you in your dreams before youd woken up a few hours later, and even in your own dreams you looked exhausted with dark eyebags and a marked scowl on your pretty face

So he had enough

Everyone has bad days so he though youll be okay in a few days, but it has been weeks, so he decided to visit you when he finally had time to. As this not only worried your fisical state but your mental state too.

He remebers years ago when youll end breaking down in his arms, telling him how you couldnt go on like this in tears.

He'd never wish to see you so sadly lonely again, it would personaly pain him too much.

So after he had remotily finished his work he was running to see you.

You where comsuded by another work fit at 3 am when you heard a knock to your aparment door, in confusion of who might be visiting, you shouted a wait to the door while stoping your work and rushing to the door*

"Who is it?" You move your hair to look more presentable trough your stress.

"Its me dear,-" at hearing his voice after so much time you open the door without second thougth, not letting him finish his phrase, seeing your certain tall, blue eyed lover.

"-morpheus." He chuckles at your eageress to see him, but quickly noticed your tired look, unsurpsingly.

"My dea-" "morpheus!, what are you doing here?, so late... is everything alright?" Your voice quickly changes to worry while you question the reason of his visit.

"No, no, dear, everything its okay i just..." he sighes before saying "missed you, we havent seen eachother in a few weeks and i have noticed you havent being coming to the dreaming a lot ethier" he finishes while coming inside as you opened the door more for him to come in.

"Yes i- i have been busy lately, im sorry love, i think i didnt realise we havent seen eachothee in that much..."

"Theres nothing to be sorry about my dear, i know you're stressed, i want to help you" he notices the amount of work in your desk "and its quite late too, you need rest, and love. come on to bed now" he holds your arm to the bedroom.

"B-but morpheus! Theres to much to fini-" "no, to bed now, tomorrow youll finish your chores, when you're well rested"

You sigh giving up, as you cant convice the dream lord of anything especially about your care, and because the offer didnt sound so bad.

Morpheus gides you into bed before turning of the lights in the office, going to laid with you and give you your well needed rest. He goes to hold you as you get more comfortable next to him, already feeling sleep taking over you while feeling dream kissing your forehead and rubbing your head as you cuddle with him.

Before you knew it you were magicly falling asleep in your lovers embrace, feeling some beat of calmness in a long time, before hearing some soft whispers of your lover, knowing youll get some enticing dreams tonight

"Sleep well my love, ill see you in a moment".

#x male reader #morpheus x male reader #morpheus x reader #morpheus sandman #the sandman #dream of the endless #dream x male reader #dream x reader #x male reader fluff #this was longer than expected #morpheus x reader comfort #sandman x male reader #gay #fem aligned dni

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01mishchelle · 6 months

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What I’ve learned so far about ‘manifesting’

i find it extremely idiotic how people believe that they have to do this and that to get their desire. believe me, i used to be like that too. 2-3 years ago i joined a shifting community and let me tell ya, everyone overcomplicated the basics. thats when i gave up and left.

a few weeks ago when i was in a negative, heartbroken state and was begging to have my sp back, a manifestation video came up from this user called hyler. i followed her instructions and even sammy ingram’s.

that’s also where i discovered neville goddard for the first time.

i found it quite odd that we had to do affirm all the time, and thats what i did. i still felt weird, unaccomplished. i did get results, the negatives and the positives. i kept on holding on those results as a proof my sp loved me. but deep inside i knew what i was doing was completely wrong. if they tell you to live in the end, why would i affirm 24/7 to have that desire?

+also adding this, i’ve heard about the void state everywhere in pinterest and here and let me tell ya, after the experiences i’ve had in the shifting community, i stayed the (language) fuck away from that. yes sorry for the people who do the void state, yes cool if you do it if it works for you but for me i just hate doing methods.

it didnt make sense for me. i decided to listen to myself and found out more about neville goddard and edward art.

these two gentlemen made me open my eyes for the first time. this is what ive been missing. ive missed the whole point, everyone missed the whole point.

please study edward art’s works and his i am meditation.

anyways, the whole point is that you literally don’t have to lift a finger to have that desire you want. i’ve made some notes for myself when reading edward art:

“If you lived in a world where all things are possible, and you could create anything you want, would you choose to create a situation and then worry about it? No you would not. You only do because you are identifying yourself with your Outer-man! When I start to feel afraid, or worry, or feel pressure that causes me anxiety, I realize that I AM the INNER MAN CREATING that in the WORLD OF IMAGINATION.”

“I want you to stop worrying about HOW or WHEN it is going to happen and instead FEEL secure KNOWING this 3D world reflects what your INNER SELF HAS AND IS WITHIN.”

“In order to actually lose yourself in the imaginal act, one must accept it is real and let go entirely of the outer-world.”

“One must suspend rational thinking, and just accept it is real. They will free themselves that way in their mind.”

“You cannot be afraid anymore to feel and imagine what you want.”

“When I speak of feeling I do not mean emotion, but acceptance of the fact that desire is fulfilled.”

everything is all YOU. everything comes from YOU. YOU are the reason why things are like this. there’s legit no Universe telling you what you have to do. there isn’t anyone you have to follow to have what you want. no. that isn’t the point. the point is that you have been following yourself. everything has been you all along.

so basically about having that desire in imagination….. i know that you don’t have it physically in 3D but that does not matter. the thing you desire is the FEELING. please you must be very (excuse for my language) fucking stupid if you want it in the 3D.

imagine you already have your sp in the 3D, youve done the hard work and he’s/she’s yours now. great. you don’t feel anything, do you?

why do you want to be with your sp? ask yourself that.

im probably thinking that you want to be loved, yes?

bingo, that is the exact thing you desire. YOU desire to be loved. and guess what?

you are already loved. you legit don’t have to do anything to be loved. you are already loved. and i know, how tf am i loved when i’m single?

get that ‘single’ off your vocabulary. what’s important here that the 3D does not define you. put it inside your head. repeat that. remind yourself that.

the 3D is a reflection of your 4D. the 3D wouldn’t exist if the 4D never existed. the 3D lives off of the 4D (your imagination basically)

see? don’t tire yourself out by worrying about the 3D that you cannot change. it’s all in place, you cannot change it. the only way you can change it is by changing yourself.

no i do not want you to change your sp’s behaviour (remember eiypo) i want you to change your behaviour.

how?

well, how would you act and feel if you’re dating your sp?

would you still be worrying about the 3p? would you keep on checking his status if he’s online? would you be wondering if he loves you? would you be questioning on why he hasn’t came back?

all of that is useless! you’re basically still embodying as someone who’s desiring their sp. that is not what you want.

it is easy. you wouldn’t do all of those things. you already embody as someone who is in a happy relationship with your sp. you already know that you are loved. you never have to worry about them. you never feel stressed at all. you’re happy.

that is what’s important. you don’t have to be in the same state all the time btw, if you get reminded or get extremely anxious; just STOP FOR A SECOND.

don’t start affirming or start visualizing. don’t ask yourself if you’re doing it right. what is the point????? of asking that??????

instead, all you have to do is ‘know’ you already have them. leave it be. don’t meddle with it. trust that it has already happened. spoiler: it did ;)

don’t even think about the 3D, the 3D instantly changed because you changed. there is no such thing about waiting for the 3D to conform. there is no such thing about the 3D being your slave and has to obey you (let me tell ya i was confused when i saw those affirmations) the 3D and the 4D go by hand in hand. that’s the thing here.

so yeah.

i’ve read edward art’s works (plus other ppl) like few days ago so this is all the things i’ve learned. just in few days, how crazy is that lmao.

anyways, i hope you learned something from here, i also learned some new stuff while writing this.

bye 🫡

#law of assumption #neville goddard #sp #manifesting #manifestation #edward art #i hope it helped you ehehe

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rawmeknockout · 2 years

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Can we get some alone time with g1 mirage and human reader? Maybe he finally wants to move on to the next step of the relationship and is just so smitten with the reader he just melts into their touch and praise?

//ah this is a bit more emotional than you wanted i think? i hope its still good i didnt get to describe him melting into them or anything fluffy but its sweet????//

Mirage can be aloof, hard to reach, and very practical. You like to think you can see behind the polite exterior he puts up, but the truth is sometimes it can be hard to know where you stand with him. Even after being friends with him for so long, it can feel like you know nothing about him at all. You don't think he would ever string you along, he's too good for that, but you're never quite sure if he's in love with you. Sometimes it feels more like a strong like.

You try not to let it get to you. Not every relationship is going to be a happy ever after, you know that. You like what you have with Mirage because you like Mirage, and there's no point forcing this 'relationship' past it's expiration date. Still, you worry maybe this is just a hobby for him. Something to do in between battles. Once this war is over, you're sure he'll go back to the life he had before.

For now, you'll just go with the flow and enjoy the moment. It's good right now. You're not interested in overthinking things.

It must have been two weeks you hadn't seen him when Mirage shows up at your home. He tells you he was taking some time to think, popping open his driver side door so you can scoot in. As much as you would rather be close to him, you always give Mirage as much space as he needs. It's not hard, what with his job in SpecOps. You know he's not used to being tied down, worrying about returning to you when a mission goes awry. You don't wanna put any pressure on him. His interior purrs with his engine when you're sat inside his cab.

You ask Mirage where he intends to take you, but you get dodgy answers. It brings an amused smile to your face. Of course he has something planned. Mirage, for all he is reasonable and composed, is never dull and always has a plan to keep you entertained. What you don't expect is for him to drive you to the outskirts of the city, pulling into the parking lot of a near-abandoned diner, as the sun wanes towards the horizon in the distance. It's not what you expected, but you would enjoy being at a landfill if it meant Mirage would be there.

"I apologize for the... Date. I didn't plan ahead with where I would take you," You perk up immediately, straightening in your seat. His tone is different. So much more formal and stiff than you're used to. It fills your stomach with worry, persistent and needling, but Mirage's calming presence is all around you. Pushing down that horrible anxiety. Mirage pops open his door and you hastily get out, trying not to think about what this could mean.

This can't be done. You're not done. You're not ready for him to leave, yet.

Mirage transforms and then heaves a sigh from his vents, dropping some of his precious self-control. You hold your breath without realizing it as Mirage seems to sag into his frame, taking on the appearance of a regular person inside that built up noble towers mech. He settles into the blue and white mech under all the pomp and circumstance, looking at you with optics full of hope and pain so palpable it almost leaves you gasping for air.

"We've been seeing each other for a while, and I realize I can seem cold." Mirage looks sheepish in a way you've never seen on him, "I didn't intend to fall for you like I have. When we met I was so taken with you. You're charming and kind in a way I've never experienced before. No one has ever seen me for who I am. There's always a distance between me and my fellow Autobots."

You want to reassure him, but don't dare interrupt. Obviously he's got to get this off his chestplate. Still, it's unnerving in a way to have him release all of this on you now. What does it mean? You want to wipe away that pain and build him back up, hold his spinal strut straighter so he doesn't have to carry all this alone. You want to comfort him, instead you stand to yourself and watch as he pours his spark out onto the pavement.

"I never intended to get so attached to you. It's dangerous given how short lived your species is. I could blink and you'd be gone," Mirage's voice seems to stutter at that, choked like he wants to cry. But his face remains neutral, if downturned, "I'm in love with you. I always have been. I would regret not having you everyday that I can. Even if it hurts in the end, even if it hurts for the rest of my life, I want you. I need you."

You don't think before you're scrambling to force yourself into his arms. Mirage accepts your embrace gratefully, finally curling down with knees to the ground, as he lets you hold him. You hear him hiccup a cry into your hair, and you pull him in tighter. Tears stream down your face before you can stop them. He's yours and you're his and maybe it will be okay.

#youre he's #txt #asks #transformers #tf g1 #transformers generation 1 #transformers g1 #tf generation 1 #mirage #tf mirage #g1 mirage #reader insert #reader imagine

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kittydeany77 · 2 years

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My Heart I Surrender

Dean Winchester x Reader

TW: Rape, no consensual sex, trauma, nightmares

A/N: this is a long chapter. Around 4K words

Chapter 5

The room was quiet as you sat alone on the couch. It had been a few days since Diana sent a group out for a supply run. Dean was with them, she said it was time for him to get back out there because he was the best they had. Of course now the only thought drowning your brain is wondering where Dean is and is he alive or dead.

A knock on your front door startled you back into reality and you went to check it. You had a feeling it wasnt Dean because they predicted it would take at least a week for the supply run. When you opened the door you noticed it was the doctor, Pete.

“Hello Y/N, i thought i would check in and see how you're doing.” The smile he gave you didnt come across warm or inviting.

“Oh I’m fine, i was just going to do a little tidying and then go find some dinner.”

“Why dont i help you with that.” He pushed his way inside the house and closed the door behind him.

“Excuse me, you cant just push your way into my home. Wait, are you drunk? I can smell the alcohol seeping from you.” He chuckled and reached out for you.

“I just wanted to see how your internal injury was holding up, maybe i could get a look at it.” His hands held onto your biceps firmly, almost too firmly.

“Pete let go, im fine, i dont need to be looked at.” You tried to keep your voice steady and strong but it still wavered with anxiety.

“You dont know what you need.” Thats when pete dug his nails into you and he threw you onto the floor. Before you could scream or fight back he covered your mouth with a hand and tried to flip you onto your stomach. Today was the wrong day to wear a dress and be mentally checked out due to Dean being away.

———

“I know they wanted us out here longer but we got some good hauls. I think we got lucky this time and we should head back before we lose our luck.” Dean finished loading up the truck and waited for everyone’s feedback.

“You’re the boss, lets move out.” Aiden jumped into the bed of the truck and everyone followed into their vehicles.

Dean started up the truck and started back towards Alexandria. Being away from you for this long was killing him inside. He hoped this wouldn’t spark any inner worries about protection or abandonment. And the last worry he had was if you had a break down over what happened out on the road, he wanted to be there for it. Dean protested to Diana how he didn’t want to come out here but understood his role and that he had orders to follow. All he thought about was how quickly he needed to get back and run straight for you.

Im on my way baby, he thought.

———

The house was dark inside, no lights were on, and no one came by to check on you. Pete violated you for only about 10 minutes before he left. How did no one see him? If they did, why did no one care why he stopped by? Your body felt frozen to the ground and you couldnt think of anything but the group of men who did the same thing, but worse. Where was Dean? You needed him.

Sobs racked through your body as the emotions started to flood out and you laid there in a forming puddle of tears and drool. Fingers gripped at the wood floor in order to try and ground yourself but it became too much to move even the smallest muscle.

“Help me…” you whispered to the empty air.

———

Dean pulled through the gate of Alexandria a day later and gave the keys to Spencer. “Its fully loaded, i thought you and Aiden could go unload it, i need to check on Y/N.”

“Speaking of Y/N, i havnt seen her since yesterday morning. She walked around having light conversation with some folks in a nice sundress and then i dont remember seeing her the rest of the day or today. Im sorry Dean, i should have checked in on her for you.”

“Dont worry about it, im sure shes okay, possible she got lost in a drawing and fell asleep at her desk. Thanks man.” Dean gave Spencer a pat on the shoulder and took off for your shared house.

Dean noticed all the lights off in the house and knew that was normal for it being early afternoon, but he didnt hear any sound from inside as he approached the door. He figured you were at your desk, like he told Spencer. Dean tried the knob and it was unlocked which was unusual for you if you were home alone. You hated the doors and windows not secured if you were alone. An uneasy feeling settled into Deans stomach and he pulled his gun out before slowly opening the door. It was quiet inside and nothing seemed out of place, until he looked down at the floor. It had a small wet puddle and some sticky residue that dried up weird. “Y/n? Sweetheart?”

Dean put his gun back into his waistband and frantically started walking through the house in search of you. He checked all of the first floor and no sign of you, when he went upstairs he checked your desk and no sign, but when he finally checked the master bedroom, the bathroom light was on.

Dean rushed over and found you curled up in a ball on the floor by the tub.

“Y/N! What happened baby? Are you okay?” He knelt down and carefully rolled you towards him and noticed how red your eyes were and saw dark circles setting in. Instantly you started crying and grabbing for Deans shirt. All you wanted was to be in his arms and melt away into nothingness.

Dean leaned back against the cabinet and lifted you into his lap. You instantly curled up and held onto him, emotions flooding out of you. Time passed on as he soothed you by rubbing a hand up and down your back and kissing the top of your head. “Shh sweetheart, shh youre okay now. I will never leave you again.”

Once you calmed down a little and ran out of tears to shed, Dean slowly sat you up and looked into your face. He never needed to ask what happened, he just knew. “Sweet girl, we need to clean you up. Is that okay? I want to help but i get it if you dont want me to.”

“Its okay…go ahead.” Honestly you didnt see the point in hiding from him, or any man now. They just do as they please anyway.

Dean helped you slowly shed your clothes and lifted you into the shower, you stood there and waited as he stripped of his clothes and turned the water on. Once it warmed up, he grabbed some soap and helped wash you down gently. If your body wasnt shaking as you cried, the tears wouldve hid between all the water cascading down your face. His touch was gentle on your skin, so different than all the vile men whove laid their hands on you rceently.

“Am i worthless?” Your voice came out as a soft whisper but Dean still heard it and was completely shocked.

“Y/N, no, you’re not worthless at all, you never will be or could be. Those men will pay for what theyve done, i will make sure of it. Lets rinse you off and get you dressed and into bed.” Everything moved in a daze as Dean helped dry you off and get some sweatpants and t shirt to wear. Soon he had you laying down in the bed and went to cover you up with the soft comforter.

“Dean wait! Please dont go!” Quickly you sat up, thinking he was going to abandon you.

“Shh its okay, im not leaving. Let me find some clothes and i will come crawl in bed with you.” Dean found some sweatpants and a t shirt to put on also.

“Come here sweet girl, i got you.” He shuffles under the blankets and pulled you in close to him, and you nuzzled into his chest as he wrapped his arms around you. For a moment you finally felt somewhat safe after all of what happened yesterday afternoon.

———

Panic surged through you and suddenly you woke up screaming. The room was dark and you felt a body next to you in the bed. What room was this? Who is this man? Oh, Dean. This is our room in our house in Alexandria.

“Hey why are you awake?” Dean? No, thats not Deans voice.

“Beautiful girl, come back here to good ol pete.” Oh my gosh what is he doing in here in my bed? Wheres Dean?

“What are you doing here? Wheres Dean?” You pushed away from him and went to leave the bed but he grabbed hold of your arm.

“Where you going girl? Im ready for more fun, or did you not enjoy our sweet moment together when i held you down and made you feel all sorts of pleasure that youve never felt before.”

“Dean! Dean! Where are you! Help me!”

You fought and fought against him but he was too strong. Soon he had your back against him and he slipped your pants down. “This wont hurt long, besides, the more you struggle, the more i enjoy it.” He wrapped an arm from under you around to your neck and held you still with a light choke and you felt his hardened member being slipped around your backside, trying to find an entrance with any hole nearby. Tears streamed down your face as you silently wished you could fall asleep in this moment and never wake up again.

———

“Baby wake up! Y/N!?” Dean lightly shook you as he watched your sweat soaked body writhe on the bed and whimper in fear from your night terror. He panicked and laid a hand on your face to try and calm you, “shh shh im here, please wake up, its just a bad dream.”

Your eyes suddenly flew open and you frantically looked around the room.

“Y/n! Hey baby girl, youre okay. We’re in our room and you’re with me. No one else is here, shh shh.” Dean cradled your face as you tried to calm your breathing.

“Dean? Is it really you?”

“Yes baby girl, its me. You had a nightmare.” Dean brushed the hair off your face that stuck with sweat.

“It wasnt you though. You werent here.”

Guilt hit hard in Deans chest when you said those words.

“Who was it?”

You didnt want to tell him right away, too embarrassed and also not wanting him to kill the only doctor around.

“I dont want to say… i dont want you to do something that gets you taken from me.”

“I know it was someone in this community and i wont stop looking until i found out who did it. Diana would want to know what kind of person is in this place.”

“Its stupid. Its hard for me to believe who it was. The man was Pete.”

“What? The doctor? What the hell?”

“It doesnt make sense does it? But then again, he would have access to women alone when he sees them as patients. Isnt he married and have kids?”

“Yeah… we need to tell Diana and let her know. She will want to handle it.”

“No! No dean. I want to ignore it for now. Just, i cant be alone anymore around here.”

“Are you sure? Because i think it needs to be taken care of and the others deserve to know, also what if hes done it to other women and they didnt speak up either?”

A loud knocking was heard downstairs on the door before you could answer Dean. You both got up and he went down to see who it was while you went to take a quick shower. The sweat and the nightmare needed to be washed away by hot shower and whisked away down the drain.

Dean opened the door to find Spencer and Aiden looking worried.

“Hey Dean. Find Y/N?”

“Yeah, yeah. She was here, thanks. Whats up you guys?”

The brothers looked at each other before answering.

“Aaron and Eric are back.”

“Hey thats awesome, are they okay?” Dean stood with his hands in his pocket and was glad of some good news finally.

“Aaron is okay, Eric has a broken leg though. Theres something else too.”

“Im listening.”

“They brought some people with them. A big group actually. We counted 15, i think.”

“What? And they were let in?” Dean crossed his arms against his chest and waited.

“Well yeah, even Diana wants to speak to them.”

“I guess thats okay, i trust Aaron, hes a good guy and reads people well. Let me grab Y/N and we will head over there to see if we can help with anything. Thanks guys.”

“Alright see ya later.” The brothers took off and Dean went to get you from upstairs.

When Dean opened the bedroom door you were already dressed in new clothes and towel drying your hair. “Hey whats up?”

“Want to get out of the house for a bit? Aaron and Eric are back. In fact, they brought back a group of people.”

“Really? Wow thats a lot for this place to take in i bet. Can tbey be trusted?”

“Well if Aaron and Eric trust them, thats a start for me. I just need to change and then we can head over together.” Dean changed into some jeans instead of sweats and then noticed you were wearing one of his shirts with your jeans.

“You look adorable in my shirt by the way.”

“Oh hush haha!”

———

“Dean! Come here and meet someone please.” The short, gray haired woman hollered and waved for Dean to approach her. She was standing with a stranger, a man with a long beard and dirty clothes. In fact, when you looked around at all the strangers, they all had dirty clothes and greasy hair. You figured they must have been out on the road for quite some time to be in that state. The heat hasn’t helped either.

“This is Rick, he’s the leader of his group and most of them have been traveling together since close to the beginning of all this. Rick this is Dean, hes looked upon highly here, especially by me. He recently brought this young woman in with him after his last supply run and shes fit in quite nicely with us. Y/N would you like to speak to Rick or anyone from the new group from your perspective of coming in from the outside?”

“Sure, whenever they would like, I’m sure they would like to have a moment to breathe or shower.”

“Running water not from a stream… sounds like a dream or another world.” The man, Rick, spoke up when you mentioned showers.

“Diana do you need help with getting the newcomers settled? I actually could use something to occupy my mind and Dean would be with me the whole time.”

“Of course, that would be great, thank you Y/N. They will have two houses side by side and I will walk with you all there and then relieve myself. Rick please gather your group and follow us.”

“Oh my gosh, is that a baby?” Your eyes widened at the thought of seeing a child younger than adolescence.

“She’s my daughter, Judith, and she’s being held by my son, Carl.”

“How lovely.” You gave Rick your award winning smile, as Dean liked to call it. Honestly it was just you smiling and being nice, but you liked when he complimented you on anything.

The two houses weren’t far from your house. In fact they were one block apart. You were trying your best to hide your fears and anxieties. It wasnt like you to immediately trust strangers, and after the two incidents recently, how could you trust another male human ever?

“Alright so these are your two houses and you can split up however you like, there are plenty of rooms. If you need anything at all please don’t hesitate to ask. You’re welcome to shower, eat, cook, and meander the community within the walls. Everyone has been made aware of you all and shouldn’t be causing any sorts of trouble. If someone does cause trouble just send them my way. Y/N and Dean will help you settle in and make you feel welcome. Y/N, before I completely run off, will you walk with me for a moment?” Diana waved her good yes to the newcomers and you walked alongside her.

“You dont seem like yourself, are you doing okay? I know you had your incident outside the walls before coming here, is it bothering you lately?”

This conversation left your mouth unpleasantly dry and difficult to answer.

“Well, kind of.”

“Would you like to talk about it? Maybe being around these new people, complete strangers, won’t be healthy for you?”

“No, no its okay actually. As long as Dean and I can always be within reach, i will be okay. I truly cant be without him right now.”

“Are things going okay here for you? I hope you know you can reach out to me with anything.”

“Well… i guess there is something. I really dint want to make a deal of it simply because its someone important and i dont want to risk this community and im embarrassed and scared and…” suddenly tears were streaming down your cheeks and Diana comfortingly took your hands in hers as she showed her sympathies to you.

“Oh my dear, please tell me what it is that happened, i would so love to help you out.”

“Well, you see, its the doctor, pete.”

“Okay?”

“When Dean was gone, Pete stopped by my house. Supposedly checking in on me and my wounds. He specifically asked about my internal one, referring to my incident.”

“Oh my, well did something happen?”

“…yes…” you couldn’t handle looking Diana in the face anymore. So your feet became of interest to you.

“Is everything okay over there?” Rick nodded in your direction as he stood next to Dean.

“I have an idea what it’s about and i just hope Y/N says what she needs to. Look, i trust Aaron and Eric and if they brought you all here then thats good enough for me. But please dont take offense if i am cautious when it comes to Y/N. We have been through some pretty serious stuff in the last few months and, well, lets just say im wary of men around her and her being alone. Cant trust everyone in this community… but can we keep this between us men?” Dean had a stone cold look as he spoke to Rick. He was determined to get the message across and be able to read Rick.

“Of course, we have women in our group and i would be lying if i said nothing happened to them out there at one point. Are you originally from Alexandria?”

“No. I found it not long after everything though. They are naive here, only the ones who leave for supplies understand whats out there. Even then, that group of people arent 100% understanding. If you guys need anything, im in a house just down the street, please reach out any time.” Dean reached his hand out to officially shake in understanding. Rick gladly took his hand and even had a bit of a smile to him.

The conversation with Diana went well considering what the topic was about. You watched her walk away for a moment before turning back to the previous endeavor. Dean was still standing outside the houses, waiting for you. He smiled sweetly when you walked over and took your hand in his.

“Everything go okay?”

“Yeah, she wont say anything to anyone else until im ready or you say its time.”

“Good. Im proud of you for speaking up. Its a step towards justice. I talked with Rick some and they seem good people. They’ve been through a lot and will need some adjustment time. I haven’t met everyone yet, so why dont we go inside and do that together?”

Ricks group was all piled into the dining room just to the right of the front door. Most of them already found spots to tuck in for the night and you could tell they wouldnt be seperate for awhile, not until they felt safe here.

“Hello everyone, my name is Y/N and this is Dean. We live just down the road from here and you’re all welcome to come to us for anything. As they said earlier, i have not been here very long so I understand a little of what youre feeling. If you need to know where anything is, we will gladly show you.”

“Can i ask a personal question? Why will it always be you and dean together?” A darker skinned lady with dreads spoke up from near Rick.

“We are kind of a package deal for awhile. I really only feel safe with Dean and I’m not quite ready to be alone for awhile, even within these walls. Sometimes the dead aren’t the only threat. I do hope this doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable.”

“Of course it wont. We all understand that feeling of not wanting to be alone until we feel safe.” A younger woman with a kind smile and medium length brown hair spoke up. She was standing with a young asian man and you assumed they were also a package deal.

“Why dont i introduce everyone in the room, that way you have names with faces. Does anyone object?” No one spoke up so Rick continued with introductions.

Diana eventually came back to check in. Most of this new group had used the bathrooms to clean up and use this time to ask a few basic questions. You and Dean spent most of the time standing off to the side and let them approach you so they werent too overwhelmed. Once you felt they were settled for the night, you both said your goodbyes and set off for home.

“They seem nice, but definitely scared. Some of them seem so willing to become part of this place though. Like those women who spoke up to me, Michonne and Maggie. I like them. There was another too, Carol i think. But it almost seemed too forced.”

“Lets see how these next few days go. Diana will give them jobs to contribute and test them a bit. You remember what that was like.”

“Yeah i do. I will want to check on them tomorrow morning too. Tonight im exhausted though, can we go straight to bed please?”

“Of course sweetheart, lets get comfy.” Dean childishly squeezed your sides and tickled you, making you squeal and laugh loudly. Today was a good moment to forget all the bad that recently happened. You couldn’t lie and say you weren’t a little nervous to sleep though, but at least Dean was there to save you.

Tag list: @leigh70 @aquarianix

#dean winchester smut #dean winchester fic #dean winchester x y/n #deanedit #dean winchester supernatural #deanwinchtser #dean x you #dean x reader #dean winchester #dean winchester x reader #dean daily #supernatural fanfiction

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lovestrucksuggestion · 2 years

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hey op um, im a bit conflicted? i just, i confessed to my crush a year ago and they didnt really reply properly? i mean, they did say "they wouldnt reject me, of course" since we both liked each other a few years back but dispersed when i moved. but they did also say that they wanted time to form themselves first properly before jumping in any kind of relatipnship and yeah, i get that.

its just, maybe im just impatient but do i have to do something, anything at all? obv we still talk but sometimes i do feel like im the only one pushing for it and maybe theyre annoyed now even with me just talking to them- i know thats partly my anxiety talking, but still :(

i went a bit off topic there but do i really have to do anything, or is there something i can still do besides talking to them and being there cause i feel like at this point if theyre ready they have to be the one to confess right? like i dont have to update them, "hey i still like u, remember that?"

at the same time if they dont like me, i want them to just tell me cause, i kinda still want self preservation yknow askdlfsgqoaudn thank u in advance i understand if u dont wanna answer im just really conflicted abt this

I think you absolutely have the right instinct here with letting them be the one to tell you if they're ready. You've done your part and let them know your feelings, if they want to be in a relationship, they should let you know that because if you bring it up a lot it may come across as being pushy and nobody wants that in a partner.

It sounds like you're friends with this person, and assuming you like being around them and interacting with them, I think you should just enjoy the relationship where it is! I have been in this situation, in fact, I am very in love with one of my dear friends, which we've talked about. He doesn't feel like a long distance relationship would really work out, which is fine, I loved being his friend before I was in love with him and I still do now, you know?

What you shouldn't do is put your life on hold for this person. If your feelings fade while you're waiting for them or you find someone new, don't hold out for something that might not ever happen, because that's a quick way to get your heart broken. If you date, great! If not, you still have a good friend and you didn't tie your whole life and happiness to this possible relationship.

(And if you really must ask them for an update, just to get closure on the whole thing, please make it clear that you're not pressuring them at all)

#advice #relationship advice #not a suggestion #ask

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froggos-chaos-corner · 2 years

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i changed how Kk died and decided to write it bec i felt like it, and i MIGHT make a picture to go with it @fazbear-ent-official @i-love-freddy-fazbears-pizza @cat-and-corgi-girl

Also TW cigarettes, torture, death, blood, knifes

ALSO ALSO- Sorry if its not good i tried :,)

"Freddy it'll be fine, Just let the worker clean and check you, ok?" Kk said as they wrapped their work outfit around there waist and leaving them in a tank top, a pair of dirty jeans and black boots

"O-OK..." Funtime freddy frowned

"Your gonna be here tomorrow right?" Bon Bon asked

"Always!" Kk said while smiling

Kk walked outside and lifted up their lavender bear mask above there mouth and grab a pack of cigarettes and grab one and started to smoke it

Kk stated to feel this early feeling that....they weren't alone...but then pushed it off my thinking it was just their anxiety playing tricks on them

Kk pulled the cigarette out of there mouth and blew the smoke out of their mouth

Kk felt a pair of hands punch them hard, but didnt pass out

"WHAT THE HE-" Kk was cut off by having peace of cloth cover ther mouth

"Shhh you need to calm down...." A filmier voice said as things went black

....................

Kk slowly opened their eyes but then they went wide when they tried to move their limbs, there arms where hung above them and their legs where chained down to the floor....they had been in this place before....

"Well well well, look who's up~" The tall strawberry man said who had Kk mask in his left hand and Afton was next to him with a evil grin

Kk attempted to scream but they were gagged so no one would hear them

"Is this mask one of your new toys Kasey? Oh wait- you cant answer me because your gagged, heh" Mr. Mars said

Kk noticed they were both holding knifes then started to cry knowing what would happen

"So, how should we do this?" Afton asked

"We should take turns, how about you go first?" Mr. Mars said

"Gladly~" Afton said as he walked up to Kk and lifted his knife

....................

The dead body of Kk sat there, lifeless as the two men clean up

"What are we going to do with the body?" Mr. Mars asked

"I'll shove it in a animatronic suit" Afton responded with

"Alright, here take this" Mr. Mars said as he handed some money and a peace of paper with his phone number on it

Afton took it and blush slightly and Mr. Mars winked at him then left

~END~

#i w r i t e

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ancientgoddessofegypt · 2 years

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Mercury retrograde.. again

So this dream takes me back to the past a little, like always. Mercury in retrograde has a way of showing me whats going on with past people, places, situations and what its doing to me and my psyche.

So when I seen my ex 'friend' who I recently stopped talking to last month appear in my dream I was like 'here we go again'.

It wasnt bad, though. I actually liked where everything was going. It was truth, to say the least. So im picking up things I left in a particular house and I see this persons sister come up to me. she says hello and hug. It was good seeing her again! I see the ex friend and another mutual person I knew with him. They were always close friends. Anywho, I say hey to him and he says something like "I see youre here today". Something cold, but not anything I cared about. In my mind I said whatever he's on is not my business. Cause I aint care. Anyways the sister tells me all my stuff are in the other room which happens to be next to his room. The toxic part of me wants to go in his room, hide in there and check his phone and see what he's possible said to me to other people but the get my head back in order and go back down stairs because... no lmao.

As im preparing to get all my stuff I see the one friend come up to me and ask me did I block him? I say yes I blocked you through text, but not on instagram. I see the ex friend smile and laugh, like he had won or something.

But the other boy asked me why I did it, I answered truthfully and I tell him because I was nervous that people in your friends friend group, which is you, would come asking me about the situation and my anxiety was already bad during that time so I figured blocking anyone affiliated with him would do the trick.

because it was a really bad week mentally but I kept picking myself up, his friend is an emotional vampire and during the week of our 'friendship breakup' he kept bothering me for more reactions after I had finally cut him off like how he was trying to cut ME off. weird shit.

But his friend understood me though, and he came to give me a hug. He said 'wow, thank you for your honesty, I didnt know you would be honest with me'. I said 'its cool'.

I wasn't sure if I should be honest with him in that moment, I was tired of being sooooo vulnerable with people who dont care. But vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. The friend says to give him a hug and I give him a 'cheap one' like he calls it, like the one where you hug them from the side, but it was unintentional. The boy was like 'you know you could give me a better one than that!' in a joking manner. So we embrace finally, like a real embrace. No fake shit. I was surprised by this, because actually getting to know this guy I didn't think it would come to this. But I knew from the beautiful embrace, that our relations to each other was finally over. The end was finally approaching and ties were no longer here.

I noticed the ex friend sitting down at this point but I seen he wasn't smiling this time. Again I was minding my business and let it go to do what needed to be done.

Now I'm heading to a store to pick up some belongings I ordered from this weird store I was working for. And guess who I see there? The ex-friend. He works there! But I paid him no mind again, I just wanted to get my things and go. He says something to me in a cold manner again, I remember just saying to him 'ok' and keeping it movin'. It took a while to get all these items together and put them in my basket to go to the car. He was suppose to help me because thats his job, but he didn't do it.

This ain't even the best part, so where im at is some type of amuse meant park. I didn't realize until I looked outside. I hear a faint voice that moves closer and closer to the room I'm in. It's my dad! And his son. With some other woman. He's holding a baby but I cant figure out if its my little sister or not. I haven't spoken to him in months since the accident with me and my mom and at some point had no plan on it because he was very weird and disgraceful throughout the process of my mom being in the hospital. So I just cut him off for good. He keeps talking about his wife so I hear, but he looked happy! So that was good. I say 'be right back' to the ex-friend, the worker and go closer outside to see if it was really him and it was in fact him. Trailing behind him was the other younger sister, the middle child. I knew it was her from a glance so I hurried back in because I didnt want to be seen or noticed by any of them.

She ends up coming in the same store I'm trying to get this stuff and go, the boy asks 'Is everything alright?' In an obvious cold, but enticed for drama manner. I say 'Im fine'. But I'm obviously trying to hide my face between the underwear and food that im trying to bag up and take. At this point I put my head back up because at this point she does notice me but doesn't care so this is good lmao. I see her smiling at something on the screen when the guy who runs the store FINALLY comes in and explains whats he's doing to the people who are here to work on a mysterious new amusement that will be here in the park. This is when I notice the ex-friend finally bagging up some things like he was supposed to. Lol. I remember almost saying thank you to him but changed my mind because what the hell? The guy who owns the store runs over to speak to me for a bit about any questions or concerns I may have about partaking in this new thing but I was just ready for the undertaking. I knew I could do it. It was an artistic gig. Anyways I noticed the middle sister again she was interested in buying something in there, I realized then she KNEW who I was but she didn't know I was her sister.

Crazy.

I knew I must of changed a lot since the last time I seen her, but at this point I didn't care. I was just ready to go.

Dream ends.

#mercury retrograde #storytime #spiritual #thoughts #myjournal #spirituality #astrology #poem #poetry #storytelling #mydreams

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twntyfiveotwo · 5 months

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i know my fking issue

yes i know. i fking know. i dont care about love. i dont care about who loves me or who i love. all i love is the feeling of being loved. which is why i always become insanely infatuated when i have a dream of me being delicately loved by a face i dont recognise. which is why i lock myself in my memories and reminisce all the good feelings i once had. you see, i know how insane and pathetic it sounds. but it feels good. to know, to remember that i was once loved.

he loved me at a time when i didnt know how to love myself. he loved me at my lowest, when i was so fking depressed and so desperate for love. he was my double edge sword - the cause of my anxiety because i would spend hours with him rather than on things i should do. but also, my safe space. if anything, every night i always always looked forward to our pillow talk with one another. and we would share our vulnerabilities with each other. it feels so raw, yet so real. and the first time he said "i love you" was before we even met each other. i wanted to see him, but i also would rather save myself the look of disgust that would appear on his face because i knew for sure no one would accept my physical appearance. impulsively, we made plans to meet, we booked all our places. and 2 days before meeting, i pushed myself to face my fear and sent him a real time picture of me. he told me, "i'm sorry but i dont think i can continue this". understandable, at least he got the courage to reject me directly.

i travelled as planned. i persuaded him to come down. i said "no strings attached, just come out and we hang as friends if thats ok. i dont have any other company here". he declined. he said he doesnt think it's appropriate. but yet we continued to play games and talked like nothing was wrong. later that night, he told me he was coming down to hang. im like sure, knowing full well how the night would go. we watched a horror movie, and after the movie ended we fucked. as always. allowing my body to be used by a man that doesnt love me. but who the fk cares at this point. the next day i went out with my friends. i left half of my cash with him because he said he was going out and i was concerned that he might not have enough money. we met later at night at a bar, together with my friends. we all drank and played drinking games together. at that point of time tbh fwb was probably the best description for whatever we shared. so we didnt cross each others' boundaries. then as we were going back to where i stayed together, i got tipsy-excited and started doing little skips in front of him. i remember turning back to wait for him, and then walking off side by side with him. as we were about to cross a road, he held my hand. i didnt dare to hold back. i just thought to myself, "what a kind gesture. he is probably worried for me because im drunk and he wouldnt want me running across the road". what caught me off guard was that he didnt let go even after we crossed the road. he continued to hold my hand as we walked all the way back to our accomodation. and when we were back, we fucked again. after the fucking, i asked him, "does this mean that we are back together?" he said, "what do you think?" i said "i dont know" he questioned me, "do you want us to be back together?" and i said, "yea". he nodded his head. i asked him, "what is it that made you want to reconcile?" he said, "im not sure either". i assumed it was cause i happened to be convenient.

or maybe not. because if it was just out of convenience he didn't have to be so sweet to me:

i still remember how we ran under the sudden downpour when we were walking to one of our karaoke sessions. we both ended up being soaking wet. but the first thing he did was to make sure i was alright. he tried to wipe me dry, despite how much of a mess i was. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

i still remember how excited he looked when i came down from the bus during my second trip. and when we arrived at our hotel, i found it hard to use the toilet because i couldnt stand floor with small tiles. he offered and asked me to stand on his feet despite my size. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

i still remember how much of a crowd there was during new years eve. and there were all those annoying fuckers that would horn the new year trumpet right in front of our faces. i was overwhelmed. the moment he noticed that, instead of leading me from the front, he walked behind me and cupped my ears as we walked through the crowd. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

i still remember how there was one time he went out with he friends to drink. he called me when he was drunk and started crying, saying that he missed me. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

i still remember on my third trip there, he squeezed in a part time job shift just so we can use some extra cash for our date. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

i still remember how we climaxed together for the last sex that we had, and i guess it felt really good for him. when we were showering together, he looked at me with those googly eyes. i shyed away from it, and asked him why was he looking at me like that. he said he found me cute. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

i still remember how he came back from his pt shift way past midnight and craved for some cold beer. i offered to go down to buy by myself cause he said he was tired. i went to the convenience store and snapped a pic asking him if that was the correct beer. he called me and asked me where was i. i said the convenience store. he said "stand there, im coming down. when i asked you to go down and buy i meant the front counter of the hotel, not the convenience store! do you know how dangerous it is for you to go out alone this late at night?" and when he reached, the first thing he did was to check up and down that i was alright while holding on to my shoulders. despite being tired. if that wasnt romance, idk what is.

but so what. so fking what. all the moments above didnt change the fact that he ghosted on me. he could have said something if he wanted to break up. maybe my anxious attachment style made it hard for him to breathe. but say something darling, i would have let you go. because truth be told, neither of us were made for long distance r/s. i want to believe that there were some pocket of moments when he loved me. actually, you know what, i do believe there were some moments that he loved me. but i guess, the love was not enough for us to overcome the struggles of a ldr. not that it matter, because this r/s is long over.

but thanks, i guess. he made me feel loved during a time when i didnt think anyone was capable of loving me. and while the rs was short lived, it was one of the sweetest rs i had. in fact, listening to the songs he shared to me & reliving through all these memories made me feel like wow, i actually once had a novel-like romance. so, thanks for that i guess. i still miss you sometimes, why wouldnt i. but boy, the heartbreak you gave me at that time. it drove me insane. but since when does love not drive me crazy. it always does.

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