i once had someone ask me what my intrusive thoughts were and I'm gonna be honest patrick i am not telling you that

pertinent experience question:

(b4 terminally online) have you been to eastern europe or scandi land? do you have any exp with Nazi nazis? I mean, neo-nazis that borrowed family garb or w/e but.

outside a grocery store, seeing a group of 15-20ish +18yos in FULL nazi shit, boots pants jackets red and white swastika armbands... as a foreigner and uhhh target of that shit I was afraid and wanted to not pass through to get inside, grabbing hand of partner, when locals informed me, and demonstrated:

they want to impose and feel powerful. if you flinch that gets them off, you literally need to walk on/Through them and laugh. mock them.

that's at least what you do in suburbs or touristy metro area in countries that have strict gun laws.

if you can't physically punch a nazi (skipped arm day or too short uh, on a visa or visiting and not fully prepared to engage with law enforcement), second best is treating them like morons and man lemme tell you how much they hate Cringe stuff, like MCU. it distracts and deflects, and makes their attempt to project a strong authority image a failure.

absolutely treat them like idiot cosplayers and if you're in Helsinki underground thing by the gamestop*, you absolutely go full Idiot American and go buy a Captain America funko pop and pose next to them like you're gonna punch them. make them movie props. it's so fucking cringe and guess what? they can't do anything but get mad online cry about it. only NAZIS are trying to market their image and project strength and importance.

undermine that.

context is critical though. be in public place where many regular people are, and where local law enforcement is anti-fascist (but law protects all dressing & "presence" of people who are displaying.. uh, symbols? - sadly including nazi, but also protects the multicultural and Jewish and Islamic immigrants etc - as long as potential troublemakers are not "doing" anything except loiter in areas where you are allowed to loiter, like parks and malls)

* in the year uhh (avengers movie playing @ kino, trump running/freshly elected can't remember)

also don't be in places where they can kill you with cars (like proud boys in Charlotte, NC). euro safety bonus !

lethality of hitting someone with a shitty scooter or bicycle is low. and most of the nazis literally took the train looking all Tough n Scary (sarcasm) with eeeeveryone else, they hate that! unless you act afraid and all the poc/foreigners hide as far back, which is their goal.

online shit is another animal but jfc

don't GIVE GROUND TO NAZIS. FULL STOP.

you don't give them the train car. you don't give them the Fucking Authority to do or be anything but laughable fleas. you don't give them the area. if they scare away the arab immigrant families at the park, if you feel safe enough, absolutely challenge and troll their presence.

if you guys actually deal with anything irl. btw

Hiii!! Idk if you’re doing requests or not, this is just a suggestion, so the reader gets Stu and Billy into horror games. Like Corpse Party, Silent Hill, Resident Evil, Mortal Kombat, etc. I feel like they would REALLY be into those kinds of games, especially the bloody and gorier ones. Idk if you’ve done something like that already, I know you did one for FF and that one was so cute btw, but I’ve always thought about that ☺️

God yes yes and yes! I love this request so much! Sorry it took so long. Also this is a mix of regular and modern ghostface.

---

Reader Getting poly!Ghostface Into Horror Games:

The way you three bonded was originally over horror movies. Nothing special, the same way they had bonded before with Randy or how Stu had with Casey.

They knew you were a gamer, but they actually didn't have too much experience with horror games themselves. Stu was a very casual gamer and he mainly played fighting games or FPSs; Billy didn't play games period since he thought they were for kids or loser-nerds.

Stu did, of course, play Mortal Kombat already. He had heard of it during the parental uproar through the news and, given his absentee parents, he easily acquired a copy. He loved it for the violent, splatterfest it was, and he loved playing you in it.

But other than MK, he had very little experience with horror games, as he is like I said, a casual gamer (modern!Stu is, in contrast, a huge gamer lol)

Originally, gaming was a you and Stu pastime. Billy found them boring to watch. He only enjoyed it if it had a interesting and in-depth story, like FF7 or Persona 2. And even then he tuned out when you and Stu had to grind or do side-quests.

When you breach the topic of horror games to them, Stu was beyond enthusiastic. Billy was intrigued, but had a very "normie" view of games, so wasn't expecting much.

Stu easily let you show him the world of horror through video games. Stu loved mindless gore, sure, but he also loved a good fucked up story. So when you introduce him to Silent Hill...he's hooked.

Seeing Harry tackle the horrors of Silent Hill had him enraptured. He especially loved the "other" Midwich Elementary.

This helps in getting Stu to pester Billy to watch/play horror games as well. Billy is there for Silent Hill 2, and before you know it he's playing on his own time.

When you guys play Clock Tower and Night Trap, Billy loves purposefully scaring you and Stu while you play by suddenly grabbing your leg or shoulder and yelling. (I will never get over how much he likes jumpscaring ppl in the OG film 😭)

Now for a more modern setting, Corpse Party would be quite the entertaining ordeal.

Stu thinks Kizami is dreamy because "He reminds me of Billy."

Billy rolls his eyes at this, but secretly thinks Kizami is cool so he's pleased.

They'd both jump right on the Resident Evil Remakes for sure. Stu streams it and overexaggerates getting jumpscared.

The Silent Hill P.T demo actually did scare the shit out of him though lol. Billy, surprisingly, wasn't scared at all, but he loved it so much he through a fit when it was cancelled lmao.

You introduce him to some more "light horror" games too. Specifically Yume Nikki.

Billy adores Yume Nikki, and is the type of person to sing it's praises online for how revolutionary the method of storytelling is and actively engages with fan theory online.

Billy would never admit it, but his fave horror games are pixel indie games. He feels people who undersell them because of their graphics are elitists (which is absolutely hypocritical, because he himself is an absolute elitist when it comes to horror). Ib, Witch's House, Mad Father, The Count of Lucanor, etc.

He also loves Yume Nikki fangames like Fleshchild and .Flow

Patty and Mr. Miles had him genuinely tearing up, but he'd never ever tell you or Stu about it lol.

Hc that Billy feels very literal empathy/sympathy for IRL people (save for a select few people), but feels a LOT for fictional characters. I feel like it has something to do with his blurring of fiction/reality, escapism, and just seeing fictional characters as more "real" than IRL people.

Stu loves anything with gore and/or disturbing and taboo themes. He also loves a good story, but doesn't pscyho-analyze as much as Billy (though he adores listening to Billy and your theories and even has planty of his own.)

Stu stream Animal Crossing and also will go to "haunted"/scary towns and clickbait the title of his streams/videos "The Scariest Horror Game Ever 😱" lmao

Stu played and enjoyed BTD

Side Note: you made Stu play P.T with a VR headset and it was both horrifying for him and hilarious for you and Billy.

Whenever Billy is home alone, he likes revisiting Yume Nikkie a lot. He gets kinda hyperfixated for awhile tbh.

One of Stu's fave games you let him borrow are the Theresia games for DS. The way music is used in that game tickles him pink and he loves the atmosphere.

Stu is the guy who streams Amnesia in 2022 lmao(and it actually brings a ton of viewers, most ppl amused that there's a streamer who hadn't experience it yet)

Horror games become as important to you three as movies are. It's an excellent bonding activity but also just for playing alone on long nights where the other two are gone.

Billy in particular begins seeing games as an medium on par with film when it comes to horror. He loves the idea of being able to actually experience the horror as a player, rather than just watching someone else go through it like in movies.

But...he still thinks games of other genres are for nerds lmao.

honestly half of this “lesbians vs. bi women” discourse wouldn’t even exist if y’all could comprehend that material reality exists and what it actually means. you’ve all become so chronically online that you think we have completely separate experiences that can never ever overlap, and if they somehow do, then it’s not enough to mean anything. you think there’s this solid line between black and white with no grey in the middle and that’s just not so.

some lesbians mistakenly think they’re attracted to men via comphet, y’all seem to grasp the validity of that concept well enough. bi women can falsely think they’re lesbians, also because of comphet, which y’all seem to take issue with for some reason. bi women experience homophobia in addition to biphobia, just like how lesbians experience lesbophobia specifically in addition to general homophobia. bi women get called dykes - in other words, if you want to use your own argument against us reclaiming it, bi women experience what you want to call lesbophobia (maybe rethink your argument if that makes you mad lol). bi women participated in dyke marches and lesbian feminism (and still do). bi women use butch/femme and sometimes even futch and nobody irl actually cares (we do see it as more than just an aesthetic, btw). bi women get called and are sometimes considered lesbians (not to endorse mspec lesbians, but we do actually have knowledgeable experience in that field). it’s not just bisexuals who are always feminine and lesbians who are or can be masculine. also, some lesbians prefer to call their attraction to certain nonbinary genders bisexual and that preference is perfectly okay.

there is so much more overlap between us than often gets recognized, whether because y’all are too caught up in the discourse to realize it or because you just don’t want to admit it so that your biphobic & bimisogynistic narrative can continue to make sense for you. obviously i would say it hurts us bi sapphics the most, but lesbians are really selling themselves short too just because some of them don’t want to be associated with us just by embracing their full history, culture, and dynamic.

it’s not that we’re suddenly taking things away from lesbians by acknowledging what we’re actually entitled to as bisexuals, it’s that we’ve always been entitled to these things and your “lesbian-exclusive” cultures never actually were lesbian-exclusive. so i understand why it feels like something’s being taken away from you, but it never really was only yours to begin with and your insistence just makes you look selfish for no good reason. to put it bluntly, “lesbian-exclusive” and “bi-exclusive” aren’t real existing categories (except... y’know... different flags and the double moons symbol. but that’s kind of it). that’s not how material reality works. that’s a concept that is, ironically, exclusively online. you have to realize that “lesbian” and “bisexual” were never supposed to be separated in the first place. there’s no problem with appreciating that lesbian does have its own closed-off definition now, and that’s valid, but it’s just an unobjectionable fact that this isn’t how it was supposed to be without radfems intervening. lesbian separatism didn’t happen with the consent of bisexuals and that’s just a lie you’ve been told. sorry about that.

Okey dokey. Now that I'm in a better state of mind, lemme put into words what happened. You don't have to read this if you don't want, but just know not to blame me for anything that happened to anyone's dash last night.

SO. I was participating in a Newsies lyric chain (y'all know the one) with a friend, and we did 98% of Letter from the Refuge by ourselves, and a tiny bit of Watch What Happens Reprise. Then, I had to go to the orchestra practice before our concert, where I tore up my fingers and made my back hurt. A little under 4 hours after I stopped, I was back online, and saw that a ton of fansies had continued on with the post, and finished WWHR, and done a good chunk of Brooklyn's Here. I chimed in a few times, but there were too many chains to keep up with and actually have a good time, so I just did something else while it died down (it only took about 30 minutes after I came back for it to completely die). I even made a tag for people to block if they didn't wanna scroll through every single one of my additions. Now, fast forward to the next night, and I harmlessly reblog a post stating my opinion on the whole thing, saying that I had fun and that I would do it again, and I had a tag you could block. Because of this, I get 3ish people coming at me and virtual-yelling at me, one of them saying they mean all the disrespect towards me. If y'all read my pinned post, you'll know that I get majorly triggered by conflict and yelling, so all this shook me up real bad. Oh, and btw, I was supposed to be doing my chemistry schoolwork and test, but couldn't, so not only did I have tumblr meanies on my back, but my mom as well. During all this, I discovered that while I was gone, lots of people's dashes crashed due to all the reblogs of the post, and no one had informed me, since I wasn't gonna scroll through the 4 hours worth of posts that had been posted while I had been gone. Something you gotta understand, is that I have legit trauma sprouting from me saying something that I thought was harmless (and WAS harmless), and then someone yelling at me. I'm almost fully mute in public around people irl, and sometimes in private, for fear of saying something wrong and people being mad at me or thinking I'm weird. The internet is (or was) my escape from all that, where I could say what I wanted to say, and actually have time to think up something to say, but now it seems like that's being taken away, too. So like, sorry to the people's dashes that crashed, but I was having the time of my life with one of my friends, and then others found it while I was away and took it farther than I could ever imagine. I have one person blocked, and I unfollowed another, and my finger is close over the block button.

Moral of the story? It wasn't my fault, and y'all need to read my triggers and respect where my trauma came from. Thank you.

So I've been playing Death Stranding lately. Wait, that's not what this post is about. Well, it kind of is. Hang on. What is Death Stranding about?

A: Norman Reedus getting bare ass naked B. Sneaking around ghosts with the help of your sidekick, an actual baby C: Carrying 50 Amazon packages up a hill while trying to not topple over D: Waking up in the morning and drinking 5 Monster Energy™ for breakfast

For those following along at home, the answer is actually none of the above. Despite the set dressing being bizarre to the point of near absurdity, what the game is actually about, like thematically, is actually really simple.

See, the development of Death Stranding was actually quite a trip. Hideo Kojima is the video game world's equivalent of an auteur director. He has a very recognizable personal style. It's thoroughly horny – he caught a bunch of shit for the design of Quiet in MGSV, but like, a lot of Kojima characters are just -like that-, including the dudes. Also, this is going to possibly be important later.

Anyway, so Kojima was going to do a rebootmakequel of Silent Hill, and the demo actually made it to the PS store and I could actually write a whole side essay about why P.T. (it was called P.T. for some reason btw) was brilliant game design for how it used the same hallway over and over and it was somehow beneficial to the overall feeling of horror. So Konami it turns out kinda sucks nowadays and they like, fired Kojima (they were huge dicks about it behind closed doors, too) and scrapped the project and kicked him out on the street and kept the Metal Gear series which was his baby (literally the baby in the sink in P.T., he snuck a bunch of messaging about the Konami situation into the demo like a breakup album) and Kojima would go on to form his own studio and poach some of the people who worked with him to boot. So the thing about Kojima is this: he's got a reputation for already putting some wild shit in his games, like a ladder that takes like 10 real time minutes to climb in MGS3 for dramatic effect, and a boss in MGS3 that summons the ghosts of all the people you were too lazy to stealth past and killed, or a sniper battle with a really old guy that he wanted to have last two weeks or some shit until he died of old age but he was "told that "this was impossible and not recommended." That is a real quote I just looked up. So he's coming off the heels of making this hugely successful game with MGSV and the hype of the P.T. Demo and he fucking, he like took all the people that were going to be working on P.T. Along like Guillermo Del Toro was going to co-write it and Norman Reedus was going to star in it, and he's like, I'm going to make this game called Death Stranding. And the first trailer comes out for it and it's completely nuts. Norman Reedus wakes up naked on a beach crying with a baby and there are floating people in the sky? So we're all like hooooooly shit, there's no one to tell him "this is impossible and not recommended" anymore. What's he going to make now!?

So the whole time the game is in development I keep seeing these tweets where it'll be like, Kojima and one of his homies smiling with some saccharine message about being spiritual warriors and changing the world. And not just Del Toro and Reedus, there was Mads Mikkelsen (another guy Kojima puts in the game just because he apparently loves him), and the band Chvches, and also like, Keanu Reeves at one point? You know how everyone has just kind of accepted that Keanu is a being of light? Here he was endorsing Kojima. The hype was pretty confused and frantic.

The game eventually comes out. A lot of game journos hate it because I think there was this expectation it was going to be, you know, less weird and have more of the conventional structure of a video game. That's not to say the average gamer wasn't also dismissive of it, but I think on the ground level there was more of an understanding that like, yeah, Kojima just be like that sometimes.

Because the game was a timed console exclusive and your homie don't play like that, I spent the first year or so cautiously viewing Death Stranding from a distance. I wasn't sure I was going to like it – except for being really impressed with P.T., I wasn't actually a big fan of Kojima's games as games – but I -was- sure that I was going to buy it, because of the way Konami fucked him over, just out of support. And the shit I was hearing was really out there. The primary mode of gameplay is just delivery packages. You collect Norman Reedus' bathwater and pee and use it as grenades. You get a motorcycle that looks like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus, and when you sit on it, his character in the game says "Wow, this thing is like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus!"

But I didn't really want to know that much about it. Something has that much fucking crazy person energy, you want to go in mostly blind, right? So maybe people just weren't talking about this, or maybe I wasn't seeing it, but then I watched Girlfriend Reviews' video about it and they came right out and said it (link provided if you want to hear Shelby say it more articulately than me):

Death Stranding is basically about the exact opposite of Twitter. It's about remembering how to be kind to each other, how to reconnect in a world where people are so often hostile to each other by default. Prophetically, it's about a world where people are afraid to go outside or touch other people and how damaging that is. It's not a game about carrying packages, it's a game about helping people by being brave enough to walk through a wasteland carrying their burdens because they can't. It's about rebuilding the lost connections between people, about restoring roads and giving people hope. I bet, for Kojima and the people close to him, it's about how to answer hostility with compassion. You can't kill people in Death Stranding. You can and are absolutely encouraged to fucking throw hands with people sometimes, but all the tools and weapons are nonlethal. So I think Kojima took all the Twitter heat he got over the Quiet nontroversy, and all the feelings of isolation he had from Konami separating him from his team during the end of the development of MGSV, and all the support and encouragement he got from his bros Del Toro and Mads and the rest, and decided to channel that into making a game that was a statement about all of it. And sure, it's a little heavy handed, and sure, it's a little saccharine, and sure, the gameplay sometimes borders on miserable in service of creating emotional payoffs. For me, especially in 2020, this message is a huge success. Social media should be an opportunity for all of us to feel more connected to each other, yet primarily it feels like one of the main forces driving people apart. Why is that? Why is the internet of today such a hostile place? I'm old enough to remember web 1.0: I can haz cheezburger memes; YTMND; the early wild west days of Youtube... What happened to us? I've thrown the blame at Twitter in the past, and I think the architecture of the user experience on Twitter is absolutely a big piece of the puzzle, because it fosters negative interactions. But in terms of the behavior, people have observed that 2018 Twitter was actually almost exactly like 2014 Tumblr. (For the record, Tumblr is now one of the chillest places left on the internet, because so few fucks are left to give.)

I think part of it is the anonymity. The dehumanizing disconnection of the separation of screens and miles. Louis CK, before he was cancelled, had a great point about cyberbullying, and why it's so much more savage than kids are IRL. When you pick on someone in person and you are confronted with seeing the pain you caused them, for most sane people it causes negative feedback and you become disgusted with your actions and eventually learn to stop being a shithead. Online, at best you can "break the wrist, walk away".

At worst, you can become addicted to "clout chasing" and the psychological thrill of being cheered on by your social ingroup. It's even worse if you feel like it's not bullying and your actions are justified because whoever you've targeted is a bad person so you don't have to feel bad about what you do to them. This is where reductive, unhelpful catchphrases like "punch a nazi" come in. For every argument, one or both sides have convinced themselves that the other side is subhuman because their beliefs are so disgusting. And sometimes it's even true! A lot of times, especially these days, people really are acting like animals or worse online. Entire disinformation engines are roaring day and night, churning out garbage and cluttering the social consciousness. (Kojima talked about this bit, too, way back in MGS2. As if I wasn't already in danger of losing my thread through this.)

The human brain was not built to live like this. You can't wake up every morning, roll over and open your phone, and be immediately faced with a tidal wave of anger and indignity. It wasn't built to be aware of fully how horrible the world is at any moment ALL AT ONCE, ALL THE TIME. And you will be. Because of another way that our brain works – the way we are more likely to share negative opinions. And because of the cottage industry built on farming outrage clicks, and because of constant performative activism.

It's not that I don't agree that being informed is important.

It's not that I don't agree that the causes people get riled up about are important.

They are. They absolutely are.

But we can't keep living like this. The constant, unending flood of tragedy, arguments, and hot takes. How much of the negativity we associate with online culture is the product of this feedback loop? What if the rise of doomer culture has been, if not entirely created by, has been nourished and exacerbated by our hostile attitudes toward each other?  Incels and TERFs, white supremacists, radfems, tankies and Trumpers – it seems like on every side of every issue, there are people simultaneously getting it wrong in multiple directions at once and there are more being radicalized every day. They are the toxic waste left behind by the state of discourse. And any hill is a hill worth dying on.

So what am I actually advocating? I don't know. There are a lot of fights going on right now that are important and we can't just climb into bunkers and ignore our problems hoping that Norman Reedus and his fine ass are going to leave the shit we need on our doorsteps. We need to find the strength to carry those hypothetical packages for ourselves sometimes - and hopefully, for others as well. Humans are social creatures. We need interaction and enrichment.

We need love.

So just try to remember the connections between humanity. Try to put more good stuff into the world when you can. Share more shitposts and memes. Tell your friends and family that you love them. Share good news when you hear it. Go on a weird fucking tangent about Death Stranding. Find a way to "be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes."

Response to being asked to give  an opinion on Connie’s calout by residentevil-4

(Tw: CSAM, rape fic, incest fic, predatory behavior, racism, ableism, kink mention, nsfw mentions. Minors should probably dni.)

“Connie and I know each other irl and went to school together for 3 years, although they now live in a different state and have cut contact with me. We went to a private therapy school in Manhattan as we're both disabled and were deemed unable to attend public school. Even though we were pretty close, Connie didn't like having photos taken of them, so I don't have any selfies of the two of us; however, these are from our sophomore and senior yearbooks which at least confirms that we were in the same year at school. People who have seen Connie's selfies should be able to confirm that that is what they look like. First and foremost, Connie is not TMA. They are intersex and the two of us have discussed intersex issues both in person and online, but they are still decidedly CAFAB.” Ok so first off, I want to address this part of the callout. To be honest...was it really necessary to literally doxx Connie ehre? Because this textbook definition of doxxing. Yes Connie’s done some shitty things but I freally don’t think that what they’ve done warrants this level of doxxing. Or...even better, any doxxing. This feels like a really unnecessary breach of privacy, revealing sensitive information on Connie’s childhood that they choose to confide in you with. I really don’t agree with this aspect of the callout as it feels very invasive and bordering on stalkerish.  Btw when I say bordering on stalkerish I’m not directly calling you a stalker Bonnie. Just so we’re clear. I am not defending Connie supposedly faking being TMA. Because faking being TMA is a very serious issue. HOWEVER since I don’t know Connie irl and to be quite frank it’s none of my business what the nature of their agab is. Were not close and I’m certainly not going to like lead Connie onto thinking we’re friends just to confirm this with them because that would be creepy. So to be honest I’m going to take this part of the callout with again of salt for now.

[ID: A cropped screenshot of a numbered list Connie posted to their blog hadrosaurs in response to an ask. 

“3. I’m TMA And that’s completely irrelevant. I’m not accusing them because of their gender I didn’t even know their gender when they said that to me saying that they said that because they fucking said that and the reaction to it was incredibly alarming. Don’t fucking say that stuff to people.]

I mean I”m not a trans woman so take this with a grain of salt if you want but...I don’t see how this is really proof of Connie being deliberately transmisogynistic? Yes Connie gives iffy retellings of mistakes they’ve made in the past. I’ve seen that on their blog before and I won’t pretend it doesn’t happen. BUT here they sound genuine enough and to be honest a growing issue I’ve seen with callouts as of late is. A person confirms they in fact did not do the thing they were called out for. And then the people who make the callout choose to see it as proof of incriminating behavior anyways. To be honest it’s a big problem and it’s also incredibly unfair to the person being called out. If you’re so determined at that point to see the person as bigoted no matter what they say then of course anything they say can be seen as proof. So I’m going to have to pass on this bit of evidence. “Connie responded: “Final note: I have spoken extensively with several trans women about using TMA to describe myself. I will not be getting into discourse about that on this blog again. All that leads to is people demanding my medical records and calling me slurs. If you wanna have a thoughtful conversation about it direct message me cause it’s not happening again here.” Again this really doesn’t seem all that self incriminating. Connie mentions here that they’ve talked to rl trans woman about whether or not they can be considered TMA. Connie really doesn’t have to disclose that personal information to people for any reason. Yes even when people are e including this ask response in a callout. And considering lots of people DO get invasive about Connie’s medical history ans general personal life over matters like this? I feel their reaction is pretty understandable here. “Connie has constantly compared “exclusionists” (or anyone, really) to TERFs, even when the people in question are not transmisogynistic, trans exclusionary radfems, or are even transmisogyny affected themselves.

“ Gonna have to disagree with this part of the callout too. Lots of ace inclus blogs, even some run by trans women , have proven that the ace exclus movement was started by swerfs/terfs. But the blog that has the most evidence for this is courteousmingler on tumblr. I suggest you check out that blog’s archiving of the history of ace exclus rhetoric before rushing to call me a transmisogynist for disagreeing with this part of the callout. I looked through all of the evidence for Connie being racist and tbh as a black ndn it all feels incredibly flimsy. It’d be one thing if Connie was using their experiences to derail and invalidate the discussions about how black people are oppressed But they weren’t doing that there at all. This part of the post feels incredibly biased. And like OP is looking for things to be mad about. Going to have to pass on this list of evidence. Also uh I seem to recall that residentevil04 got called out for some questionable behavior as well. “Both me (insepsy, hi) and ezrat have had really weird spikes in activity on our Statcounters, both on the same day. (Saturday, 4/17/21) For both of us, majority of the pages looked at by these visitors have been related to or about Connie, or have been posts that Connie would find "problematic" such as the f slur untagged or something related to "panphobia"/aphobia. I’m sorry but...none of the proof of cyberstalking holds any water. Visiting someone’s blogs and rbing posts to disagree with them is not cyberstalking. Keeping tabs on urls that an abusive person who has harassed are using so you can block them (in this case with kyoshi) and warn your mutuals is not stalking. As a victim of rl stalking it’s...really weird to call this legit stalking at all. Much less claim that you have damning proof of it being stalking when no such evidence exists in the callout. Besides after Connie and nonbinarydave called out one of kyoshi’s buddies for sending a death threat hate anon to nonbinarydave’s toddler st4lker partly admitted to doing it a few times. Then other mutuals in kyoshi’s toxic social circle clearly began joining in. Making side accounts where they tried to spin a false narrative of nonbinarydave’s daughter being one of their alters (ableist as hell.) And also trying to do it in such a way that they thought would trigger nonibnarydave’s psychosis (also ableist as hell.) If you’re going to drag Connie for their mistakes and never let them move on from those mistakes then it’s only fair to do that to people you agree with who also do toxic/bigoted things. ALso the fact that your wording here suggests that you think panphobia and aphobia aren’t real makes me doubt this claim even more. Exclus and their allies are notorious for mislabeling inclus disagreeing with them as stalking. “connie said that they would release that info at a later time and the minor began to argue with them that they had a responsibility regardless of their complicated relationship with age. in this argument connie for a time kept their age ambiguous and at one point told the minor (who confirmed in a later ask that they were severely traumatized by adults) that they obviously weren’t traumatized. connie quickly deleted this ask and any mentions of it and the next post they reblogged was about how wrong it was to try and quantify or discount others’ trauma. on my old blog i @ed them in the replies and asked if they had just done that. connie admitted to it and said it was fucked up but quickly blocked + deleted my comment. i can’t remember whether or not connie apologized to the minor, they may have? but yeah. i thought that was pretty weird.”] I do agree with some of the concern here that adults shouldn’t over expose minors in discourse. I’ve been contemplating this for awhile myself. And trying to figure out how to take better steps to avoid including minors who are triggered by discourse in discourse, especially. HOWEVER I have one little issue with this addition to the callout. If that is the case then exclus and their allies need to practice this as well. You cannot ignore the fact that the reason a lot of minors are getting involved in exclus discourse is due to adult exclus and their allies forcing minors to pick a side in the discourse. Y’all are not at all exempt from this problem. I still remember an ex mutual of mine trying to convince a minor to agree that aces can’t face corrective rape. And based on how aggressive it got with me when I tried to avoid giving an opinion on the matter, I can’t imagine that it would’ve reacted better to the minor refusing to give an opinion or to the minor outright disagreed. Refusing to put these standards on exclus and their allies is both hypocritical and quite frankly very transparent. The claims about them glorifying dark topics on AO3 through their fics also seems unfortunately legit. I mean those asks of shaming people who ask their viewers to not romanticize or glorify abusive relationships in their works is very damning. I’m very disappointed to see that Connie has taken being an inclus to the point of validating antis anti culture wholeheartedly. I can’t think of much more to add to my opinion on that part of the callout. As for the issue of Connie interacting with pro shippers in the past, I do know that this claim is legit. I’ve seen it before and so has Breeze. This was why for a brief time we decided to stop following their blogs. Because it was triggering to have pro shippers put on our dash. And sometimes we just don’t feel it’s worth it to always let people we’re platforming know they’re rbing triggering stuff. So sometimes we just quietly unfollow and choose to not interact until we’re sure they’re filtering what they do and don’t rb in some way. I definitely don’t agree with that behavior. And if they’re still doing that I”ll deplatform again. “The anon asks: “A weird question but do you know any other stimboard blogs with your follow criteria? (No radfems, racists, fandom antis, etc.) I was hoping to find more through your “similar blogs” but a lot have no anti-antis for their DNI or allow truscum/transmeds and exclus. :(“

The user responds: “I know of @turtle-pond-stims, @outofangband, and @kinaesthetics! 🍂🍄" “[ID: A cropped screenshot of an ask sent by Connie from their now-deactivated blog, butch-with-a-tortoise.

Connie says: “hey anon I have safe stim blogs. dm me if you want them. And radfems/bigots aren’t allowed to interact. For my own safety (because the community is honestly terrifying) I can’t publicly say on my blogs that I’m safe for proshippers/kinky people but I try to spread word how I can.”] [ID: Screenshot of a post by evilwriter37, which reads, “I’ve been seeing posts about fandom police leaving ao3, and it’s like: Good. We don’t want you here anyway. Go find your own fanfiction site.”

The post is tagged “#Fandom #AO3 #Antis #Purity Culture” and has 87 notes. It was posted on December 21st, 2020.

There is a reply from main-to-outofangband-andothers saying: “there are Silm antis on that site who are against Russigon (Maedhros and Fingon) not because they’re cousins but because they’re both male (coded)”] [ID: A screenshot of an anonymous (though signed off as being from outofangband) ask sent to evilwriter37, which says, “Melkor and Viggo solidarity is ‘Look there’s nothing wrong with keeping my enemy chained up in my personal chambers at all times so please just focus on the war efforts and I’ll focus on the boy* in my chambers’ -@outofbangand.

*boy used figuratively @ antis”

The user responds: “Pfft!!! Hahaha! You’re absolutely right! (And Viggo does refer to Hiccup in canon as ‘my boy’).”] I can’t really say anything to refute this. Because these are all posts of Connie outright stating that they disagree with antis. And not only sympathize with anti antis but are fully against antis. Looks like very damning evidence. Although ngl I’m not entirely against kinky blogs as a whole? Just so long as they truly stay in their lane with their kink content. And don’t force it on others in any way. Or shame people who are triggered by their kinks. It is true that being entirely against kinky blogs no matter what is dipping your toes into swerf rhetoric. Tbh I’m not going to look at the rest. This is pretty much all I need to make a decision on whether or not I”ll continue platforming Connie. Though I will try to get some more  perspective from people who I interact with as well. Because I feel better about making a more definitive decision after doing that. Also in general please don’t not try to get an opinion from me on how I feel about syscourse. A lot of the claims about Connie’s age weirdness and them using their alters as a shield feel like syscourse to me. Especially if this callout was written by one or several singlets. Singlets should never be trying to judge how legit someone’s system is ever. Even if their system friends encourage them to. You can call out a horrible person with a system without trying to insinuate that they’re lying about their alters in some way. Doing otherwise is ableist ESPECIALLY if you’re a singlet. Also in general the reason I stay out of discussions of judging how someone is handling their systems is because it’s syscourse and syscourse is triggering for my system and I. If this post was an attempt to get me to give an opinion  on the validity of Connie’s system I don’t appreciate it. And I would appreciate not being dragged into such matters again, thank you.

In general there’s like a few parts of this callout that feel legit. Which is unfortunately cluttered with obvious bias and obsessive hatred of Connie. I’m not here to stan or coddle Connie. I know they are not a perfect person. Especially since no human being in the world is perfect. But I feel the way this callout was created was very sloppy since a lot of the evidence was messy at best. And some points were very hypocritical as well as there being some no true scotsman moments from OP. In acting like exclus never do any of the thing that they tried to call out Connie for. Which is behavior that I am not a fan of. This is why people need to be more careful about callouts and like make roughdrafts and have a more unbiased person helping them if they don’t feel they can do it on their own. I’m even trying to make a resolve to do better at that myself. So it’s not like I’m unwilling to put my money where my mouth is. Anyways those are all my thoughts on this messy callout. And tbh I’m not going to get too much more heavily involved in this. Because I need to focus on more immediately serious rl stuff more often, like doing what I can to get out of the hellish landscape of a house I currently am stuck in.

Ok you can discuss how ppl have gotten into the habit of trying to turn everything into a symptom or w/e the current discourse about mental health talk on this site is w/o mocking adhd/autistic ppl. Y’all know that right?

Like. Look i get that it’s annoying when ppl try to ask if having a favorite color is a adhd/autism thing. But I did the same thing when I first found out adhd existed. I was so fucking excited to learn that “hey maybe I’m not a lazy fuck up, maybe there actually is something different about me” that any scrap of proof I could find I held close to my chest. Especially with all the people telling me that there was no way I had adhd- that I was too smart. It took me 6 years of constantly asking to get a formal diagnosis. And I needed all those little validations to keep fighting.

Idk. Maybe it’s not the best thing to try and psycho analyze every little thing about yourself. But I don’t think it’s the huge deal ppl make it out to be. I think it’s smthn a lot of kids do and will eventually stop doing. I think it’s just part of growing up, especially when your nerodivergent

And I definitely don’t think it’s turning ADHD into a trend or getting ppl to misdiagnosis themselves or whatever tf ppl are saying. Like seriously grow up. You think it’s a bad thing that ppl with adhd are getting too much attention or whatever? Like seriously go to therapy. So many ppl irl still see adhd as “ohh squirrel disease” and there’s literally no positive representation for us in traditional media. Why are you so mad ppl are finally getting the chance to discuss their struggles with other ppl like them

And if your argument is “well everyone online says they have adhd so clearly it’s just a fad”. Online spaces like tumblr are like catnip to ppl with adhd. They’re more accepting and accessibile, it’s easy to indulge hyperfixations with fandom, they’re constantly stimulating, if something doesn’t interest you all you need to do to find something new is scroll, and they’re generally free of the bullies that have mocked us for being nerodivergent. Such a fucking mystery why a lot of nerodivergent ppl would converge here. It’s literally like when everyone was saying “well everyone is gay now bc of the internet” and ignoring the fact that gay kids were in online spaces bc they were safer, had communities of ppl like them and had information/resources

Like fuck guys. I do think there are some problems with how we talk about adhd on this site. For example a lot of adhd symptoms are relatively normal things taken to such high of a degree that they become debilitating. A lot of symptoms of adhd overlap with a lot of other things. These are both things that need to be remembered and aren’t recognized as much as they should be.

But I basically never see criticisms like that I literally just see NT ppl mocking ppl with adhd like we’re back in elementary school. Like go do something productive instead of being a dick head.

I’ve honestly seen more ppl mocking adhd or saying the way we talk about having adhd is problematic than I have seen ppl actually talking about having adhd.

And like, worse case scenario, someone misdiagnoses themselves as having adhd. What are the world ending consequences? They go to the dr and find out they don’t? Or find out they have something else? Hell maybe they find out they don’t have anything but questioning if they did got them to start going to therapy and improve their lives

Like y’all freak out that we’re “confusing ppl” or w/e but shouldn’t everyone do some introspection? Check to see if they feel different bc everyone feels different or if there truly is something different about how they’re wired. Why is this the worst possible thing for you guys

Or is all of that justification so you can make fun of ppl with adhd like elementary and middle school bullies. Literally grow up.

I really feel like the way ppl talk about mental health on tumblr has shifted. One way is how we stopped romanticizing mental illness- which is a really really good thing. But now I feel like discussing nerodivergence at all is like cringey. Ppl used to talk about their symptoms all the time and there were communities of ppl that supported one another. And now I feel like the only time we talk about it is when you guys are once again mocking ppl with adhd and autism. Anyone with basically anything else you ignore. Which is fucked up btw fucking listen to psychotic ppl, ppl with different forms of depression, ppl with personality disorders, etc. it’s really not that hard

TLDR: stop being dicks to ppl with adhd. You can comment on and critic how ppl talk about adhd without being an asshole. Listen to all types of nerodivergent ppl.

Hi! I would love myself a matchup if it's ok 👉👈

I'm female and pan, I'd prefer one of the males tho, Survivors please!

So uhhhh I differ in my personality a lot depending on the situation! I'm more of a loner around strangers IRL— shy, quiet, I don't like interacting and prefer to stay by the sidelines since being in the middle makes me uncomfy.

I try to be as polite as I can, even keeping in my opinions and pain a lot as to not Hurt anyone. I also tend to blame myself a lot for bad situations I'm a part in unless I know I absolutely didn't do anything!

Also I'm quite hot headed and have a bad temper, though I'm working on it! I have quite the problem with guilt and it comes to me fairly quickly when I do something bad.

Ah yeah I'm really forgetful and also really impatient KNRKS

Now- online!!

I'm a lot more open and chaotic. I like to tease my friends and jokingly make fun of them, etc. I try and stop when they tell me to, but I might understand it as them just joking too if they write it that way in my eyes-

I try to look on the positive side for them and their situations and am always willing to make someone happy even without words since it makes me happy too. I'd say I'm caring to a fault- I don't let loose until they finally do something healthy that they've been avoiding and I do get rather angry if I'm not taken seriously with that, causing me to maybe lash out at someone unwillingly,,- and then guilt pops in like "hi there 😍" KDHDJDJ

Anyway,

I encourage anyone to vent, though I'm not the best at giving advice. I'm more of a person who likes to listen and give support if they need it. Oh yeah- my attention span is REALLY short (as short as me good ol' 5'1 me aNENSJJSJD) so I get distracted pretty easily and procrastinate then.

As for hobbies: I love to draw! (As you might know-)Music is my life (especially Jazz) and video games are, too. Though mostly singleplayer Games since I only really like multiplayer with friends-

What else can I write..

Maybe like- I'm an ISFP-T And I think it was 5w6 that I was given by another test

I also got Philophobia, the fear of falling in love because of bad experiences but I'm tryna work on it!!

I guess I can also write about my appearance? I've got short, curly but chaotic black hair that's p much swept to the side- I'm definitely not that skinny lmao- and as I've said before, I'm 5'1! I usually wear casual clothes (hoodies, e.g!! They're so comfy...) I also got brown eyes and glasses!

I think that should be it.. ah yeah! In your introduction, you should prolly add your ID for others to add you because name search doesn't work! :0

Ok that's really it now- take your time, don't rush yourself and stay safe and hydrated!! 💕💕 Hope your blog takes off!

Sorry for my English by the way- I'm German so I might've messed up on a few things!

OH MY LORD I DID NOT KNOW THAT I HAD TO PUT IN MY ID... oml... thank u for telling me that. and don't worry about it, i can see how it'd be difficult (i actually studied german for my gcses :], it was very fun) but anyways! tysm for sending in btw!! i loved writing this, i hope u enjoy - mod vera ♡

i match you with ... naib subedar!

he kinda takes on to your quiet personality, unlike some of the other people around the manor. it's relaxing to be around somebody who doesn't talk much.

you two most likely met when robbie came over to the survivors' side of the mansion, jokingly demanding sweets... but it most likely sounded authentic. and oh god, is that an axe-

you two accidentally locked eyes but you both had a " ah shit, here we go again " face. it just kinda went from there.

at first, he's a tough nut to crack, but if you try hard enough, within a month or so you gain his trust and he .. deems you a friend?

you both kinda start falling for eachother after a period of time, but naib is great at hiding it BUT SIKE, so are you! it's like a game of who can pine for the other in the most subtle way possible.

however, if you tell him about your own troubles with falling in love, he may just open up a little too about his own troubles.

it's takes a while for you two to build a relationship, but eventually (after a lot of rescues, late night hangouts and just being near eachother) you make it!

when he learns about your more chaotic side, naib tries to keep up with you as best he can, he may just need a little tug to do so.

he loves your smile, especially the one you have when you're talking about your passions.

he also tries to help with your temper, but he's just as bad as you are.

however, he's there whenever you have a bad day - he can almost instantly tell, even if you try keep it to yourself. it could be the way you look at him, try to smile or talk, he does notice the change in your aura.

since your shorter than him, he likes holding you. it makes him feel like he's just protecting you from anything and anything, especially on one of your bad days.

he likes your optimism, looking on the good side of every situation. he once saw you trying to comfort robbie when he started crying about not finding any sweets around and you told him "look on a brightside robbie! now we know for next time to stash some away for you before we eat it all!" AND OH GOD, IS THAT AN AXE?

naib gets frequent nightmares about his time being a hired merc, so sometimes you may get woken up at 3 am because he's a bit distressed and needs a bit of comfort.

other times, he just finds holding you while you're fast asleep enough to put him back in a coma for the next 2 hours.

naib also encourages you to talk to him about stuff. whether it be what made you mad, how much of a bitch vera can be, ect. he's there for you and that man is never gonna let you carry your burdens alone.

saying that, you also have to remind him that he can't carry his own burdens sometimes and when you encourage him to talk to you about what's upsetting him, he'll most likely tell, depending on how bad it is.

he also grounds you a lot!! if you tell him about your forgetfulness, he's most likely going to try and remind you.

" hey, [ name ], you did bring [ item ] into the match, right? "

" um... "

" goddamnit [ name ], i thought i reminded you "

naib takes it upon himself to rescue you, or keep you within his general vicinity if you're in a match with him. he does know you can kite very well though! he just wants you near him for a bit of reassurance.

he can be mean sometimes, but he means it in the most endearing way possible since most of it is sarcasm.

you two kinda have " stab as a warning " vibes so nobody really opposes the two of you. even norton. not even freddy dares to oppose you because the last time he did, aesop almost had to prepare his equipment to embalm the poor fella.

when you lash out at someone, naib is there almost immediately to take you away to calm down and comfort you when your guilt kicks the door down and goes " Hey girlie! Hold still 😎 "

sometimes you have to do the same for him because you both have a tendency to lash out.. but.. never at eachother? you two kinda agree on the same things, there isn't much to exactly disagree on.

please draw him!! watch him while he's training in the garden and draw him, or just a few silly doodles of him.

he likes looking at your drawings, it kinds boosts his ego knowing that he's worthy enough to be drawn.

if he finds out that you like music, he'll tell you about nepalese music, or at least what he knew of it - if you both get engrossed in it, he may try and get you some records to play.

teach him how to dance, if you can. it'd make listening to music together way more fun.

he's very content with you!! he likes kissing you out of nowhere, too. you could just be chilling and naib would come up to you, turn you around and give you a smooch outta nowhere. but only in private.

i feel like neither of you would be big on pda, you just stick to holding hands around the manor.

if this were in a modern setting, you two could probably play a game like phasmaphobia together just for funsies.

all in all, your relationship with naib is mutually beneficial and robbie has learned to never ask for sweets again.

i hope you enjoy this <3 it's my first time writing naib too so i apologise if it's not very good </3

ok, so.

I made a youtube video, of me narrating Ashita no Joe episode 4.

I was wondering for awhile if it would be ok to upload a video that’s just directly an anime episode of Ashita no Joe.

I thought partly, maybe it would be ok, since that anime came out like before 1970 or something so maybe it’s free domain,

but nah. It is blocked. I can’t find the video at all.

but, that isn’t going to stop me..

I will do the impossible, (even though I am depressed, about someone I know. irl)

and narrate Ashita no Joe episode 4.

I made a whole video of me narrating it with my voice. but it’s blocked aaaa. I refuse to let it go, though.

giga..drill...breakeriswhat I’d say but I am too depressed about someone I know irl.

Ok so anyways, this was gonna be a YouTube video, especially cuz-- [had to delete the explanation] anyways here:

[deleted stuff.....] ...

anyways here:

oh shizzat its 4am I’m fluffin’ tired. so I’m just gonna skim the episode and post screenshots argh my foot is pulsating as I type that as if my entire body is thinking “wow I know you re-watched Ashita no Joe episodes again yesterday but you should watch the whole episode again its godly” I’m sorry ewotjwte its just almost 4am and I had to wake up at 10am yesterday.

the opening plays. and then:

that one guy that is like my dad reads about my stuff

Jebus freakin’ RICE I’m tired. But I need to do something productive today cuz after I woke up at 10am for my social worker I was tired and drained all day from hearing the voices of the people upstairs and the noise in the wall.

my dad I mean Danpai keeps reading the newspaper (like how in -- gah nevermind [deleted cuz I’m paranoid about what [NEVERMIND deleted the explanation]] and

my freakin’ dad I mean Danpai gets mad at Joe just like

I DELETED [can’t say] like 8 years ago cuz of that time when I [=/ Can’t say the details]

GOSH DARN IT this is just like something irl and I can’t even say what it is because I’m too paranoid about people [deleted explanation here]

ok so basically Joe is super successful and doing good things in this world but no one believes him cuz his stupid azz danpai adopted dad figure is a dumb bummie, and then

and then I wanna explain 99 lines but we’re not even 2 minutes into the episode, so I guess I have to skip some parts; I mean it is 4am after all

and then

ok so there’s this snobby lady (at the time ? perhaps she changes at the very very very very end but I won’t give any spoilers about how the very final episode goes itjewiot btw I literally watched this anime starting from the very last episode cuz someone said this series has best ending in anime/manga of all time, and then I started back at early episodes after that, when I first watched this however years ago,)

and then

yes we printed this article cuz .. you’re trustworthy and popular but Joe is just an unpopular guy who helps out orphans and gives his money away to help out orphans

ya know how when I watched the first 11 episode with [won’t say but the guy that begins with Sau and ends with ce that I was friends with for 15 years and he kept making fun of it multiple times in the chat saying “More like a shit a joe.”] well these guys are like wow Joe is a delinquent cuz he is helping out orphans

wow Yabuki Joe used an alt account or some shiz and made a complete lie to try to help society for the better like making a peaceful game and then I mean boxing I mean waterver and then

no one believes ni the main character Joe who is LITERALLY helping out local orphans; and they’re basically like just jealous of him and twisting the truth to make him look bad is what these snobby popular people are doing t hat actually have friends unlike the wondering loner Joe Yabuki,

this very popular snobby lady who actually has friends unlike ab- Yabuki Joe doesn’t care that Joe is actually being helpful and wants to make projects that will bring peace to this world, she will not give him a chance because she cares more about appearances and keeping up her reputation.

....She takes on the full pressure and responsibilty. But can she handle it?

they’re basically like “uhhh do you have [deleted in case it comes off as offensive, since I know some others that make fun of that stuff >=\ which I don’t like either cuz I get made fun of [the deleted thing] too . It shouldn’t even have to be deleted >=\ but I was in a [DELETED] and they made fun of [the deleted thing] so I guess it has to be [deleted] which is so sad for this world ??] and so

the really cool person who *doesn’t reveal spoilers of the end of the series aa* says please leave Train- Yabuki Joe to me !!

i have faith in him he totally will not somehow break this faith that I vaguely have in him and am kinda too shy to publicly admit..

I wonder what Joe is feeling like right now and doing:

s o anyways Joe keeps laughing 99 times in this episode, and, cuz he knows he’s right and just helping out orphans and people that aren’t popular and too afraid to join the b- never mind.

some of his followers don’t respond to his long rants and are like maybe he is going too far and should back down fro mthe very popular snobby lady

Yabuki Joe laughs again

he says What’s the matter with you!? Stop siding with the very popular lady that actually has friends and a good reputation who is a stuck up and like do what is right instead of what . will make people think better of you even if you know in your hear that maybe it might be wrong.

The snobby lady posted on Twit- I mean irl the anime known as Ashita no Joe the they posted a screenshot of me saying “I have family.....” and they mocked him saying “Um.... I have family too....?” as her followers mocked Yabuki Joe on twitter in the 1970s anime or something,

but family isn’t what matters, everyone has family,

what matters is that you all still have a poor reputation because you have no friends which I think is 100% ok but the stuck-up lady who hates Joe for some reason atm just cares about how they’re rich in [deleted snarky remarks] reputation.

stop caring about the dislikes and haters and appreciate the supporters that you do have;;.

yabuki Joe says F THE HATERS THIS IS Just the beginning of [would say but I wanna here but X_X; [deleted the reason why I won’t] because of [deleted] because of [deleted]]

,y gpa; s 1 million followers cuz then they at least know what is right

in this world.

and then joe is like

and then;

then he’s like yea in my heart I know its good to have that many followers cuz I know the true true truth about Yabuki Joe the anime and manga character from Ashita no Joe, he just wants that many followers to program an indie game about- I mean anyways

they say

[OK WHAT THEH ECK I SERIOUSLY DID RECORD A VIDEO OF ME JUST NARRATING THIS ENTIRE EPISODE AND I uploaded it yesterday on a video sharing site but it is blocked cuz of copyrighted content aaa even though this was from before  1970 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa now I gotta explain in text instead of voice like I already did last night AAAAAAAAAAaa]

they say But what would you do with that much power, that many internet I mean irl followers in 197o in Ashita no Joe the anime/manga series?

and then Yabuki Joe says teh

then he’s like What the gosh darn shiz in yoshville mans,

and then

and they’re like Look Yabuki Joe lives in a Terrible place with Terrible living conditions wher e brick dust keeps falling down and then

and like Joe has no problems like getting kawaii innocent ppl to follow him, but the others are a bit suspicious.. of Joe and his behavior..

Joe is like i’m gonna build a huge online hamster game soon.

and then someone tells Abu in tumblr messages I mean they tell

Someone tells Yabuki Joe as you can see if you flippin’ watch the episode yourself (I don’t blame you. I hope someone will check this series out, though. It’s my favorite anime series, to be honest.) anyways and then someone from his fandom of - anyways someone says

He’s so full of himself.

I guess you suffer from delusions of grandeur?

the bully who is even in the same exact fandom as ab- Yabuki Joe of being an orphan says that, and because they’re so big inside, people blindly listen to them.

the true actual innocent follower that knows trainerab- Yabuki Joe is actually honest and truthful is like, wow shut the fak up brah, and then:

Then the “Are you sure you don’t suffer from delusions of grandeur?” doubtful follower who is keeping an eye on Ab-Yabuki Joe I mean and watching over him to try to keep the orphanage safe falsely then says “This is a clown. See this clown? Abu is hiring th I mean Yabuki Joe had this younger person defend him” Wow and then

one of the only innocent ppl in this show besides Yabuki Joe and a bunch of later characters in this series in later episodes that happen soon, know Joe really is telling the truth and that he really is honest and she’s pizzed awf at that hater troll person trying to Provoke joe and such on [deleted] anime & manga series Ashita no Joe the anime/manga series, and then

then they’re like, uh oh maybe Joe does have some loyal followers who know the real truth and we should hold our distance and see what he does and what he is truly like, first, and then

so, then

so then Yabuki Joe shows them their steam profile and the gam I mean the BY- I mean

Joe is like ok I played retro games my whole life and watched cool cartoons like the Rugrats and I play cool games and twisted trolls like the snobby girl try to make it look like I “change my interests to appease others” but come into my YouTube channel office and c the truth that I really DID play a lot of SNES games and then

I mean Yabuki Joe says this is my office and this is where I live,

I live in a factory that rains brick dust,

and then,

AND THEN I WANNA NARRATE THIS ENTIRE EPISODE BUT IT IS FREAKIN’ 4:35am and I gotta get up soon

I mean I flippin’ already narrated this entire episode and commented on it etc. and made a cool video of it but YouTube blocked it AAAAAAAA even tho it was an anime made in

1970 I thought it would be free domain by now and o.k. to upload a video of it to YouTube with audio commentary GOSH AAAaaaa GOSH I WANNA NARRATE THE WHOLE EPISODE

AS I SAID IN THE youtube video that is blocked on YouTube I think it is a requirement cuz like it really pejeroyjoirjyorejijioe

ok have a nice night.

have you ever do coming out? how it was?

I did, and let me tell you, I'm really really lucky, even if not every one of them was a good experience.

I've only fully come out to my other LGBT+ friends, online or irl, who are of course very accepting of everything.

I've come out about my sexuality only (the one I identified with at the time, which actually I realized wasn't for me this year) to a very few number of irl non lgbt+ friends in different occasions, it went really well in both, one quite literally made me feel like it was the most normal thing in the world since I was telling a story and he was completely unfazed when I mentioned I had a gf. The other two were really happy I could open up and trust them and were really supportive and would always ask me how it went with the girl I was with at the time. (these two were around 2018)

Then my family. Well.

This one's a little complicated because it's not that they hate me or kicked me out or anything I just kinda.. Feel like they don't care. And it's the type where you would be scared to bring up anything about the community because you're convinced they wouldn't care nor want to know anything. It's the type of "as long as you don't bother me I don't mind." which is the type of mindset my dad has a lot in regards to my sister's bf (just fyi, she's 21 and he's 23 so like... Wow thanks. Sometimes I feel bad for how he treats her about her bf.)

So when I came out about my sexuality to my mum, she was fine with it, we just talked about some lighthearted stuff.

Then she asked me something where I made a huge mistake, she said "do you want me to tell dad for you?" and I said yes, since I'm too scared. Well in hindsight I should've kept my mouth shut about it: see basically at the time I had an online girlfriend who was a couple of years older than me, and I mentioned that to mum, and basically when my dad confronted me, he did it in the worst way possible.

He was mad I was in a relationship with this person and he claimed she promised me something out of it?? Like I was with her only because of something and not because we liked each other. He hated (I think he still does, softened up a bit because my sister has had a long distance bf for 1 year) internet friendships or relationships and my mum lowkey did too because she kept saying how basically it's not real because it's all digital and digital life isn't real. (this really upsets me because what, then you would excuse cyber bullying with that type of reasoning? But whatever, not the topic)

So he was really mad at me and demanded he looked through my phone, to which I couldn't say no or else he would think I was hiding something (and anyway, if I said no he would've done it anyway), and he started looking through the entire chat (and other ones with my friends) and read thousands of texts.

Now at the time I had only said I liked both boys and girls cause I know the concept of nonbinary is already too complicated for them to understand and unfortunately my dad came across the label pansexual (since the gf at the time was pan), I explained it to him and he just said I read too many things on the internet.

Imagine how hurt I was because that was actually how I used to identify back then.

Things escalated during those months, everytime he got mad at me, he would randomly take my phone and read conversations I had with this girl and he would comment on them just because and make me feel even worse, he basically hated her and lowkey hated the fact that I was with her.

The worst thing was that I sadly vented to her about him sometimes and he would basically prohibit me to vent and that's how I ended up deleting every single vent moment I had right after we talked. Years later I come to know that my sister had actually access to my chatting app and would tell my dad what we said, which is why he told me back then "I know you're deleting texts".

My mum wanted to send me to therapy because she didn't understand a single thing of what I said when I said I wasn't sure whether I liked boys girls AND more or just boys and girls. She thought I meant I didn't know if I was straight or not, I meant I didn't know if I was bi or pan, which is why I never mentioned gender identities to them and why I am closeted about me being nonbinary to them. (btw this was the understanding of the difference between bi and pan at the time, I was 15, I now know it's more complicated than that.)

About my sister, she came to know in the worst way possible too. For some reason I was afraid she would be homophobic and after I told mum, there was this one time I was at a restaurant with family friends and my cousins, aunt and uncle.

May I say I was sitting right between my cousin and my sister and in front of my aunt.

Unprompted, she asks me if I'm gay, but like she used this Italian phrase that I really don't like much, since it's usually used to make jokes by straight people about someone being gay.

I was there like GOD FUCKING DAMN IT we're LITERALLY next to our cousin and aunt COULD U SAY THAT LOWER. I told her I wasn't straight and, I don't remember much really, but she was offended I didn't tell her first. Like, wow, okay, coming out is difficult as fuck, but go on, be offended.

I had to go to the bathroom right after because I had an anxiety attack.

After things quieted down with my parents (as in my dad wasn't taking my phone as much), things started escalating with the girl I was with, she assumed a rather toxic behavior and I ended up dumping her.

Can still remember how my sister told me dad had said "thank goodness" when he learnt I wasn't with that girl anymore.

How also my mum said "cmon maybe next time you'll get a boyfriend". Wonderful comfort mum yes I already had a bf before, he dumped me one month after because he liked someone else not sure I want to try the experience again!! :)

Anyway, this is the reason why I do not talk about my relationships to my parents anymore. I had a girlfriend for almost 2 years and my dad knew nothing. My sister did because she actually grew a little bit better about this stuff (she's the embarrassing questions type, but at least she's not a bitch) and my mum knew around 6 months in, because she asked and we were alone. (I still think she thinks I'm a lesbian)

Also the reason why, when I got a pride flag while on school journey in the UK, I hid it in my drawer. And the reason why I'm terrified of asking of going to pride.

As of now, I have a lovely partner and yes, my entire family absolutely doesn't know and will not know if not strictly necessary. Maybe I will tell my sister, I was thinking about it, because that could probably make some personal stuff less difficult to do.

See, technically it's not that bad now, we just never bring it up at all and I never think about the clusterfuck of things that happened in 2016.

I just didn’t start practicing how to write my online name as a signature, did I?

Well I think I did. For ages I’ve been annoyed by my IRL name but I don’t know exactly why. I have been wondering if it’s due to my old selective mutism that as an adult mainly just shows up as me finding it impossible to say aloud certain words. Because back in the day I did have troubles saying my name aloud, people would ask what’s my name and I would just shy away so badly I didn’t speak at all, and people just kept asking and I couldn’t answer. I don’t know if it had anything to do with my actual name, I think it was just me being shy and then somehow getting stuck to those situations. Which is why I’ve been wondering is it’s still some sort of emotional block in my head as I nowadays can say my name just fine but it still always feels and sounds so weird and triggers my depersonalization.

For years now I have been trying to find what else could be my name but I just haven’t found one that would feel more like me. Partially it’s because my name is feminine and I wish it was more neutral - even tho people who know me keep saying me the name is neutral for them because they only associate it with me and I’m far from feminine. (And my irl name is Aada, btw.)

The only name that feels more like me is: Madness. I’ve been Madness everywhere in the internet since I was 13 or 14. (Before that I used random names like Dina or Sharina [mainly they were for Habbo Hotel etc.] or one of my earliest actual online usernames was: Hiirulainen91. That means something like “a little mouse” in Finnish - I had pet mice and I was shy and quiet so it fit me, and I was born in 1991 and everyone used these birth year initials in their online names back in the day :D) Anyway, no one IRL calls me Madness, apart from online friends. But the closest online friends all call me by my IRL name, too, usually. And I’m fine with both really, it’s just that it always feels a bit weird to be called with the IRL name for reasons I still cannot explain. It just feels weird, that’s all.

The other thing about my irl name: because it’s not unique. There are people who share my name and it always fucks me up. Because I only associate it with myself but still don’t. So hearing it elsewhere as someone else’s “identity” it just feels so... wrong. It was more unique when I was born, hardly anyone had it but then it got more popular and now there’s so many girls with this name that it confuses me. And usually when I hear it in public, it’s always some misbehaving child. Once I heard “Aada, put that flower away!” and it’s just... weird.

Also my name literally has only 2 different letters. 4 letters out of which there’s 3 a’s??? And still people don’t know how to write it properly, I always get asked if there’s 1 or 2 a’s. Once I was asked if there’s 2 or 3, as in overall. 

There’s a few good things about my name tho: if play by adding dots on the letters, I get dä in my name lmao. Or I could just change my name into ADD because I have ADHD. Or it could present who I am: asexual, aromantic and agender. I don’t know what the D stands for there. Probably for Dumb.

Another good thing is: my signature. It’s so easy and quick!

Despite using Madness as my online name for over 15 years, I have still always signed my drawings with my actual signature. I know that signature doesn’t have to be exactly your name or whatever and because it’s a SIGNATURE, it’s hard to know what it says unless I explain it. So basically it’s not that bad. But still I know what is there and it makes me wish I could also have a proper signature from my online name. So that’s why I just started trying if I could come up with one... I actually find “Madness” rather hard to write fast and properly so it’d always look different because it’s just too long. Then I tried shortening it to how people already sometimes call me as: Madi. That could actually work. But it still doesn’t look as nice as my original signature :D

So idk, I don’t know what to do. I guess I will continue my search for my “real” name until I find it.

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

Hi TT! So this isn't related to your blog but I guess I'm just asking for advice? Have you ever felt like you hate everyone? Like, literally? I have, for a while now. I just don't like anyone around me. I don't really have friends and I'm not in touch with my family and I just feel like I only have myself. Do you believe it is possible to live a full life just by yourself, without other people in it? Sometimes it makes me feel empty and lonely. Sorry if this is too deep, I love your blog btw!

Yup, I’ve definitely felt like that before. And it really really sucks. It’s a constant feeling of being angry and then exhausted from burning in that endless anger. In my case, I found it was really a dissatisfaction with my life as it was at the time. I just felt so......... stuck, and it made me frustrated with everyone around me, who I saw as just adding to my issues. (They were just being their usual, human selves of course. *I* was the one who was in relentless anger and thus perceiving every single thing they did as something personally offensive. I was mad that I was going through such a difficult time and they just had happy, normal lives - which is ofc not true - everyone has their own issues; they just weren’t showing them to me, just like I let absolutely no one know how fucking miserable I was.)

I am very introverted, so I am quite happy to be alone (most of the time.) I actively made a series of decisions and have crafted my life to be mostly spent in solitude. So yes, I absolutely do believe that you can live a full life on your own. There’s something very refreshing and liberating (to me, at least) about not having to take someone else’s feelings and preferences and expectations into consideration before doing something. The only person you have to please/are answerable to is yourself. And that is quite a blissful feeling to me. Alone is not equal to lonely. Society has conditioned us into thinking that we need a life partner, and kids, and this exact number of friends and social media followers to be happy, but it’s all bullshit. Having all these people in your life is no guarantee to happiness. You have to..... Well, “love” yourself sounds a lil too corny, but you certainly have to be content with who you are as a person (but always leave room for growth.) Invest in yourself, and genuinely be comfortable with who you are as a person, because that’s the only person you’re guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with.

There are some key things to consider here: #1. It’s important that you know yourself as a person in order to live a life like this. Is this genuinely a way of life you are okay with, or is it just a mood right now because of frustration (adding to it, the trauma of a pandemic and the resulting isolation)? Yes, you won’t have to invest in the emotions of others, but that also means that very few people will be invested in your life as well. I genuinely pondered deep and hard and decided that I was okay with that. Which leads to #2. That I regard quality over quantity. I have a handful of people whom I really really care about (both irl as well as online friends) and they’re the only ones I invest energy in, because those relationships are fulfilling to me. They add value and joy to my life and thus, I don’t see them as a burden when engaging with them. Everyone else who was draining me of energy to deal with, I mostly cut off. It’s a drastic measure and not feasible for everyone, but it works for me. I get actively resentful and angry when having to engage with people I don’t have a connection with, and so I just keep myself away from such a situation.

Does this mean that I’m the neighbourhood witch, who’s scaring children away from my front door? Lol not really. I am perfectly pleasant and polite to my neighbours and acquaintances, I show up at family functions and all. I just don’t let these people into my inner life and let them affect me, my mood, or life in any way. Only those who genuinely mean something to me can do that. The rest is background noise.

So I’d say look deep within yourself. Take some time, it’s not easy. Genuinely examine what it is about your life that is making you unhappy right now. Is it other people draining you of energy by being annoying, or is it something inside yourself that’s triggering these feelings? Maybe you’re feeling this way because you do seek connection with people but are frustrated that it’s not fulfilling you in the way you expect. Perhaps you just need to find a social group that aligns with your vibe and makes you feel like you belong. Try and journal, maybe talk to a therapist. Introspection is the key to getting to the bottom of this, so you can make the life changes that will make you feel content, and not so much at war with the rest of the whole wide world.

Sending you a big, warm hug (social distancing be damned!) Hang in there, you’ll get through this!

If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? I would add to my wardrobe more than change

How do you/did you get to school? walk, then by bus

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? yep

Is the idea of having a secret admirer creepy or romantic? creepy

What was the last song you sung out loud? https://youtu.be/wycjnCCgUes

Were you excited to learn to drive, or scared? worried that I’ll waste my money

When was the last time you felt incredibly tired? today

In your opinion, who doesn’t deserve to be famous? many people

Was it hard for you to get up this morning? not really

When was the last time you colored with crayons or colored pencils? few months ago

Do you feel comfortable talking about your disorders, if you have them? depends

Where did you go on your last field trip? not sure which was last

Do you think you make a good first impression? no

Do other people’s first impressions stick with you? might

Have you ever had to give up on someone? sure

Would you rather break up with someone, or them break up with you? them break up with me (not my decision) but usually it’s the other way around

Do you think it’s okay to like a cover more than an original? umm...

Are you calm in emergency situations? depends

Who are you most attached to? my dad

What do you depend on other people for? money mostly :(

What goes through your mind when someone breaks up with you? depends

Do you match your shoes with your outfit? sometimes, it’s not that I have enough shoes to do that lol

Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? female 

What was the last thing you bragged about? not sure what was last

What’s the ugliest thing on your wall? umm...

Who’s your favorite philosopher? Schopenhauer because of all the memes

Do you think Freud was out of his mind? well I prefer Jung

Einstein? he was cool

Who’s your favorite painter/artist? I like many 

What day is it? Friday

Are you wearing anything blue?  nah

Do you know anyone named Graham? just bread :P

Are you sitting next to anyone? not currently

Do you dislike the last person you Facebook messaged? nope

Who’s the quietest of all your friends? K. always was 

Are you home alone right now? If so, where are the people you live with? my mom’s home, my dad is at work

Are you a chocoholic? noooo

Is there a song that reminds you of the person you love/like? Do you listen to that song often? one of them is t.a.t.u. - All the things she said

Do you listen to music while you fill out surveys? sometimes

In the past week, what song have you listened to the most often? not sure

While playing video games, do you prefer being first or second player? second 

How many people do you depend on? not many

How many people do you think depend on you? they could live without me

What is the worst color combination? brown and black?

Have you ever injured yourself walking around in the dark? yeah

What’s so scary about clowns, anyway? nothing to me and it’s annoying that they’re part of so many horrors

When was the last time you acted like someone you’re not? sigh...

How many hats do you own/wear? shitload

Do you ever receive comments on your weight? ppl are jealous of my weight so basically my illness :(

Is there anything that you do just to make other people happy? of course

What was the last thing that you wrote down [with a pen/pencil]? not sure what was last

Has anyone told you that you have a nice smile? my gf only

Are you uncomfortable with being photographed? yup

Do you like playing tic-tac-toe? I always win What about hangman? I played it couple of times Are you dangerously in love with someone? woah 

Are you cute or sexy? cute Is English your 1st language? it’s not Did you ever perform in front of your entire school? elementary - more than once Did your older sibling ever tell you freaky stories that you believed? one time she told me that school was flooded and there were fish and frogs and then I said that to my mom and she called me a liar and got mad even tho I explained to her it was my sister’s idea :(  Are you single and proud? you can be single and proud as well as be happy in a relationship too, I am in one now  Are you more happy when you’re with people or alone? 90% of time alone What do you think about guys shaving their legs? that’s their life Do you wear lipstick? nah Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced. I don’t wanna talk about it

What music album would be used for a movie about your life? soundtrack to my life would have to be a mix of songs from different bands/vocalists

Who was your first crush and what made them special? she was just adorable with her clumsiness and her perfect body and that face and voice and she was just a pretty cool friend to me and I wanted to take care of her so badly, she was the very first girl I ever had a crush on irl if not in general but she was hetero and she changed a lot (not in a good way in my opinion) Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be? I... I never imagined my first kiss before it happened?...

Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you? blergh

Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people. there’s no such thing, it’s all about the person  If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve? absolutely, my health issues Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it? I’ve found shitload of stuff but one thing was the most odd and that’s a taxidermy ferret shawl someone left on a bus stop - at first we thought with dad it must be alive but we came closer and realized someone lost their piece of cloth and we took it  Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home. almost a month, I was in hospital Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date. - Have you ever seen a ghost? it seems, it was not just white but a little bluish, no legs and weird face - shaped like in a clay, mostly transparent, slightly glowing, it was in open doors of my room, I woke up with a weird feeling that someone’s watching me and I got really scared so I hidden under a blanket and didn’t look there again until morning, I was trying to convince myself it’s just a shirt that was hanged in the hall but mom said there wasn’t anything like that there at night, now I wish I could see that again hoping I would try to do something more brave about it, I kinda worry I was rude towards them whoever it was 

*btw my grandma said that after death some chemicals leave the body and fly like a fog through the cemetery if casket and grave aren’t blocking it too much Describe your note-taking style and habits. everywhere and usually not in line, can be even upside down, just random, different size, clue words etc. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? suffering to deserve heaven? Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive? I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real What are all your thoughts on god? overthinking... What did you learn today?  for example - that explaining things to people make me realize more than just thinking about something What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time? ask them Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? poor tree :( In what ways have you traveled? car, bus, train, bike, even a little bit by ship What historical events happened the year you were born? nothing interesting

Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970’s or earlier? sure

What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public? nothing If you don’t have to be up by a certain time, do you like to sleep in as late as possible? no longer than 11 am What are you wearing at the moment? Is it for any particular reason? pajama because it’s past midnight and I should be asleep but I have to finally finish this survey then dry my hair and drink some water first Are either one of your parents retired?  my mom is and my dad will be soon Do you buy a lot of DVD’s, or do you tend to just watch everything online for free? watch online, I have no money for buying movies that I’ll watch less than 3 times Does everyone in your household own their own computer? nope

Are you a good gift giver? I try my best and been told that I am despite not being rich 

Do you know what XOXO stands for? hugs and kisses

What’s the first person who comes to your mind when you hear the word blue? me

Have you seen any of the Harry Potter movies? first ones

Do you like your significate others siblings? I don’t know her brother

Have you ever recieved a singing birthday card? omg I loved those and I wish I got one :(

Do you remember who your kindergarten/pre-school teacher was? I liked her so much I’ve been sending her cards on holidays years after

Were you ever a girl scout or a boy scout? never

Do you own anything made of lace? hmm...

How many people do you share a name with? I don’t know anyone with my name

Imagine your dream home, does it have a fence around it? if it’s not an apartment then of course it does, highest possible and thick as I don’t want to see or be seen by my neighbors

Do you own any yellow shoes? yep

Can you type fast? very

In school were you bullied? I was

Are you sarcastic? yeah

Do you read the newspaper? nah

If you died today where do you think you’d go? hell :(

Have you ever been to therapy? few times, didn’t help

Do you use online dating? did

Did you miss alot of school? I was sick often

What was the last thing you got falsely accused of? not sure what was last

What was the last thing you ordered online? shirt, I’m waiting for the package now

Have you ever been kicked out of a store? no :o

Do you feel like you accomplished anything today? hmm...

What is/was your favorite teen magazine? trzynastka or however this shit was called

Would other people describe you as creative? I guess

What color are your slippers? grey and white

Are you haunted by memories of stupid things you’ve said and done? constantly

Did you like high school or college better? didn’t go to college

Who was your favorite Olsen twin? I didn’t have a favorite 

Do you ever listen to Celtic music? used to, with John

Do you know a lot of rich and spoiled and selfish people? had classmates like this and neighbors too

Do you enjoy mornings? rarely, not really

Have you ever feared going to jail or thought about what it would be like? thought

Did you know that the zodiac signs (the regular ones) are Greek? ok

Have you ever learned about Greek mythology in school? didn’t like it

Do you stay up late? as you can see

what do you hear right now? nothing

what is one thing in your life you feel truly guilty for? personal

have you ever been slapped in the face? I’ve been slapped without any reason, I was bullied

how about punched? hit with a ball only and my head was hit with a bottle too once

have you ever come up with a memorable quote yourself? I’ve been quoted 

what do you think about masturbation? personal

What color did you first ever dye your hair?: either red or black

What’s the color of the bath towel you use most often?: green

Ever eaten a piece of dog or cat food out of curiosity?: ewww, nooo

Can you name one song by Prince?: Purple rain for example

Would you rather paint or make pottery?: paint

Are you currently taking this survey before or after 9pm?: after, I started over 5 hours ago...

Is the sun shining bright outside right now?: it’s the middle of the night!

Would you rather watch a horror movie or a romantic comedy?: romantic comedy ^^”

alright it’s venting time because I think better when I write and I can’t find anyone irl who I could talk to about all of this.

But before I begin if someone could bring me a gigantic bar of chocolate (milk pls I’m so sick of dark chocolate that’s all “santa” gave me for Christmas like... did mom forget I don’t like dark chocolate?) or a pint of peanut butter, pistachio, or moose tracks ice cream that would help.

Like, I understand that this hasn’t been a bad day necessarily just a bad hour that has since spiraled into a several bad hours and I’m more upset about underlying issues than I am about what happened. So what happened? 

Well it all seems innocuous enough. I went to my senior capstone class and met my classmates (all of whom I know from other classes) and the professor (who I’ve taken a class from before, this is important). We talked about the syllabus and class structure and I exercised an admirable amount of self-control in not excusing myself to go scream in the snow. I really, really wanted to go do that. 

The problems are 1) This is the only professor I have ever given a bad rating and for good reason. I don’t want to spend too much time on this but at first I was thinking “this guy seems pretty chill if a bit annoying” and then when he was talking about his education and specialty I realized... this is That Professor. This is That Guy. This is the one I actually called a dick in the course evaluation. Because I took the required survey of american literature from colonialism to the civil war course from this guy; this was online which made things worse. Now this was supposed to be a LITERATURE course, a SURVEY of LITERATURE. His course design was literally 50% ART, another 30% was dense paragraphs about history (I’m ADHD I absolutely cannot get through gigantic blocks of dry, useless text within a reasonable time frame), another 20% was bits of literature and media that was not relevant to the time period because his big thing was “How are these things influenced or developed from early American literature and/or history?!” Like.... I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T STUDIED IT DIPSHIT! Then to add to it his expectations were that C is Average bullshit like, you’re setting your students up for failure when you set it up like C is the grade you expect to give them and to get an A a student has to go above and beyond like no, if a student meets expectations they should get an A. You’re just an asshole. Then his expectations for regular coursework were buried on a completely different website and never repeated, they also didn’t make sense. They were not clear. And then his idea of “feedback” is to ramble for paragraphs on a tangent and NEVER TELL ME WHY TF HE GAVE ME THE GRADE HE DID! Feedback needs to include an explanation of what the student did right and wrong so they can improve in the future. His rambling along with the lack of clarity in instructions made it impossible to get good, much less consistent grades. I’d try to follow all the instructions, even put in extra effort and get excited and I’d get a poor grade on an assignment in spite of doing everything right according to his incomprehensible instructions and then I’d half-ass a discussion post, turn it in late, and get an A and three paragraphs of this guy rambling excitedly in the comments. Like, it was impossible to figure out what he actually wanted us to do and then I was already mad enough about the lack of focus on what the class was actually supposed to be about and all this led to me throwing in the towel and either half-assing everything or just skipping assignments because I couldn’t care anymore. I have no desire to study under this buffoon’s “guidance” again.

2) One of the classmates is Obnoxious Man, who I will point out isn’t even graduating this spring and therefore really doesn’t need to be in this class and I think he shouldn’t be. I’m uncomfortable enough with the professor but I would be willing to give him a second chance in light of his whole thing about it being “student-led” and it being easier to communicate in person. But Obnoxious Man makes this impossible. The professor wants us sharing and working together all semester. I am not comfortable sharing anything remotely personal such as a reading I find fascinating or working with this man. I will not be giving him any access to me outside of the classroom. He will not be getting my phone number or my email. His vibes are disgusting and I’ve been dealing with boys and men just like him since kindergarten. I don’t care if he hasn’t actually done anything to threaten me, based on previous experience I won’t even take a chance. The second to last guy like this spent weeks harassing me because he wanted me to date him, the last guy would steal my stuff and stalk me. I had to get the school equivalent to a restraining order which he still found every excuse to violate. I can’t do this but I also can’t just drop the class because I, unlike Obnoxious Man, have to graduate this spring. I thought I could tolerate him after last semester but there’s a big difference between having to put up with him in discussion-based classes during half of the week and him having access to me.

3) I was thrown by the actual expectations laid out in the syllabus. I thought I would be doing a whole new, intensive project. I had a great idea and was actually getting excited. Instead we’re supposed to do group projects (see above for issues with that) and a personal project which will be revising an old paper like... when I finish a class I am done. D O N E. I never want to see that crap again. I don’t think I even still have half of that material! There isn’t one of those papers that I want to look at, much less expand! And how is this really challenging? The professor, Mr. Dickhead, went on and on about how important revising is to critical writing yada yada yada but maybe I don’t care?! Maybe I’m only in this degree as preparation for grad school in a different area? I hate writing critical analysis 99% of the time. It’s like pulling teeth. That’s not a great metaphor because I’m now expected to drag all these papers I want to forget about back into the horrible light of day. And I don’t know if these expectations were invented by the department or by the professor so I don’t know who to be mad at or if I could possibly request some sort of independent project.

4) Because of this and some things said by other students in their introductions (all positive things btw) I started into a reactionary spiral of feeling inadequate, childish, stupid, helpless, etc. etc. Like, one of these classmates is a finalist for a Fullbright scholarship which apparently had to be applied to in October and I didn’t know any of this?! Like that stuff is important but nobody tells me things and I don’t know how people know about all these scholarships and awards and programs and stuff that is helpful. It’s hard enough just making it through the day and doing a mediocre job on my assignments. It took me months to get up the courage to ask professors for recommendations. Filling out graduate applications has been hell and I had to tell my advisor yesterday that she’s not finished with the recs because there’s on in her inbox she missed and I still have to submit one more application that I was feeling good about yesterday and now am about ready to give up on. And the writing center isn’t open and I don’t want to be a burden on my advisor and talk to her about any of these issues...