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maspers · 6 months

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Okay so I have an idea for a Halloween movie

Not a horror movie. A Halloween movie. Spooky tropes up the wazoo. Action-packed comedy, with a taste of camp. Banger soundtrack. I don't have all the details down, but the basic gist is a pair of monster hunters ala Supernatural engage in shenanigans. Other deets include:

-The Monster Hunters duo is a blonde woman named Jack and a guy of ambiguous race (Asian-Hispanic mix?) named Cygnus, both in their mid to late twenties. They speak with British accents, but are repeatedly identified as Americans. They take turns wearing the same pair of glasses. If the audience looks closely in a couple shots they will realize Jack and Cygnus are wearing matching wedding rings, but this is the only indication whatsoever that they are married, and the fact that both of them rampantly flirt with everyone else doesn't clarify anything.

-Jack's name is not a nickname, and is established as being her actual name. Cygnus's name is actually short for something, but we never find out what.

-Jack speaks directly to the fourth wall often, Ferris Bueller style. Often to supply witty commentary and exposition. Nobody else does this. Cygnus is the only other character to acknowledge the fourth wall's existence, but he never addresses it directly. Once or twice when Jack is explaining things Cygnus will say something like "don't forget to tell them X" or "you forgot x" implying addressing the fourth wall is exclusively Jack's thing.

-Enough lampshading to make CinemaSins swoon.

-The film starts with a very stereotypical castle owned by a (male) mad scientist. Cygnus is being held captive. He jokingly flirts with the scientist. But also very quickly mentions Jack, thus ensuring that the movie fails to pass the Reverse Bechdel Test.

-Jack, meanwhile, is providing exposition to the audience and skillfully breaking into the place, beating up bad guys and loading an Igor ripoff into a catapult. "Skullcrusher Mountain" by Jonathan Coulton plays as the opening credits appear while Jack sneaks further into the building.

-After Cygnus is rescued, both our heroes escape in a convertible. The castle is on fire. Jack assures the audience not to worry, as no American castles are real castles anyway.

-The Villain is a very impressive politician, ideally played by Blake Lively. Her goal is to convince the monster populace to support her and help her win the upcoming election, supposedly so that she can make things easier for monsterkind. In reality she plans to tear apart the masquerade and expose monsters and trick the regular humans into destroying them. Rude. Jack and Cygnus aren't really aware of this plan at first but they do know someone is planning something with the less reputable parts of the supernatural world and so they want to put a stop to it.

-Jack and Cygnus need to infiltrate a fancy party. The goal is to seduce a vampire hostess and steal something she is carrying on her person. Cygnus volunteers but Jack shuts him down because the last time he tried to seduce something (a succubus) he panicked and stabbed himself with a fork (flashback scene included, apparently happened in Topeka). So Jack goes to the party instead.

-Band at party is playing an epic waltz version of the Monster Mash. Cue highly attractive dance between Jack and the Sexy Vampire Hostess.

-Meanwhile Cygnus goes disguised as a member of the kitchen staff. Unfortunately all the Kitchen staff are secretly robots. They attack. Cue epic fight scene with comedic/awesome usage of kitchenware. "Coconut Mall" from Mario Kart is playing.

-Cut back to Jack. She and the Sexy Vampire Hostess have moved to a side room.

*Jack and vamp kiss*

"Oh my… Garlic-dusted lip gloss? Spicy. I like it."

"Oh, if you like that, then I have something even spicier."

"Do tell"

*Jack stakes Vampire through heart*"SIKE"

-Jack escapes down fire escape. Opens window to kitchen. Last lap version of Coconut Mall can be heard as Cygnus jumps out, his hair covered in Cheese.

-I'm still shaky on the plot but they decide to go to Denny's to unwind and figure out where to go next. The postmodern jukebox version of Stacy's Mom plays as they pull up.

-Meanwhile the villainess is scheming and is like "frick the monster hunters killed my vampire I need to bring in the big guns"

-Also there's a police officer played by either Levar Burton or Samuel L. Jackson, who shows up right after Jack and Cygnus leave a place. Smooth jazz plays, and the lighting darkens. He seems to be familiar with our heroes, but whether he wants to help them or arrest them is unclear. Other cops are present, but are CGId to look like identical clones of ambiguous race and gender. The detective never talks to them directly, because that would require giving them personalities and we've got too many characters already.

-So Jack and Cygnus arrive at Denny's, get in a brief debate about drinks (they order a lot of different kinds) when a motorcyclist dude shows up. Motorcyclist dude is a werewolf in the villainess's employ. He warns them to either stop hunting their lead or die. Jack and Cygnus are very sad about this, because the werewolf is not wearing a shirt under his jacket and has very attractive abs that they do not want to kill. They decide to fight anyway. Immediately everyone else in the Denny's turns around to reveal they are actually rodeo clowns. Classic wild west shootout ensues. Jukebox in the corner goes off and plays "Saturday Night".

-Our heroes successfully take down most of the rodeo clowns but then the werewolf proceeds to wolf out (much to the joy of our heroes, as he reveals more muscles. Jack is visibly shown getting a nosebleed, and Cygnus swoons) and chase them out of the Denny's. Inexplicably, the Denny's looks different than it did when they first drove up. This is never commented on.

-Car chase starring Cygnus and Jack in their convertible and werewolf on Motorcycle Ensues. They are forced to trick him into swerving off a cliff. Danny Boy plays dramatically as he falls. Our heroes Mourn the death of the abs.

-Villainess has either a kindly father who looks like a college professor or an innocent husband who dresses like Makoto Naegi (if the latter, is played by Ryan Reynolds of course). They ask if villainess is going too far. Villainess responds by singing "Girls just want to have lunch" and ominously approaching father/husband. Screen blacks out before sounds of eating are heard. They are later seen with a large head bandage and muttering the chorus to the aforementioned song.

-Detective enters and investigates the Denny's (which again looks different) and dispatches the remaining rodeo clown with a taser.

-Heroes pull up to Villainess's fancy mansion. Various attempts at entering are foiled. Jack points out they need to enter in order to progress the plot, so they take the car and crash it directly into the front door. They then make their way through the rooms, casually dealing with a variety of supernatural threats. Reptiles and Samurai by oingo boingo plays.

-Villainess is getting really mad that she hasn't even really been able to enact her plan yet at ALL (elections are still like a month away) and she wants the heroes gone. None of her traps have worked (even the pit trap, which Jack and Cygnus swung over Indiana Jones style, complete with the iconic music) so she goes to meet them herself in the main hall.

-Jack and Cygnus enter main hall, with Jack playing Yankee Doodle on a piccolo and Cygnus accompanying on the drum. Villainess rebukes them for not taking her seriously. Jack tells her to put her money where her mouth is and challenges Villainess to a sword Duel. They proceed to have an epic, fully choreographed Princess-Bride-level swordfight (which just as much homoerotic tension) while an original Halloween song plays. The song heavily features an organ and electric guitar, which are being played in universe by the Villainess's father/husband and Cygnus respectively.

- "Are neither of you going to take this seriously?"

"Of course not, have you even been paying attention to the film? This ain't Supernatural."

"Though to be fair, people like Supernatural."

-Abruptly Villainess (just as she's disarmed) is like "enough I can't take it anymore" pulls out a gun and shoots at Cygnus, grazing him in the arm. Record scratch. Dead silence. Villainess rants about how Jack and Cygnus are being completely nonsensical and complains about a whole bunch of other inconsistencies in the story. Jack and Cygnus respond by poking holes in her own apparent evil scheme, Villainess loudly proclaims it would have actually worked. Jack and Cygnus open doors to reveal the Detective, who strides in to arrest Villainess.

-Detective does have a legitimate warrant and I want there to be some kind of joke that it was easy for him to get one because of some other crazy sus things the Villainess was doing but I need to do more research on how Warrants work. He asks if our heroes would like to provide any commentary, but they both shout "we plead the fifth" and jump out a window. Detective chuckles and comments "Just like in Topeka".

-Jack and Cygnus ride a zip line down a hill to a nearby graveyard. They sit on a fence together, make a couple of bad puns, and Cygnus tries to soliloquize about the apparent lack of Skeletons in the entire film but is quickly cut off by Jack thanking the audience for watching. Credits roll as "Bittersweet" by Panic! At the Disco plays.

Think it would be called "Pumpernickel"

#halloween #october #spooky month #spooky season #movie idea #vampire #werewolf #monster hunters #comedy #music #spoopy #spooptober #spooktober #robots #not horror #idk how to tag this #dennys

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