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ch0lwrld · 7 months

Text

10:04 PM (pt. 1)

pairing: soobin x f!reader

genre: f2l, idol au, pure fluff

summary: soobin and you have been friends since predebut. his busy schedule often clashed with yours but you guys always made time for your monthly dates. though.. they have been feeling a little more.. different.

a/n: had this idea for a little bit and thought it was cute! at first when i was writing it i didnt hit save so i almost $&@“ but we’re okay now i tried to scavenge as much as i could of what i wrote but i still wish i had what i put before 😭😭 I'll probably continue to edit this after it's published but let me know what you think!

☆ read pt.2 here!

“hold it like this…. yeah exactly!” he says as he positions your hands to the angle he wants. he's always been peculiar about his photos but it made this moment all the more endearing.

“i know how to take photos, binnie” you say with a chuckle. soobin had stopped you both in the middle of your walk to the gelato shop you bugged him about before you both went to dinner. you had saw it scrolling through your feed and immediately begged him to come with you. of course, he couldn’t deny you. you guys had already been past due on your monthly hangouts. so you didn’t mind the little detour and if being behind the camera meant spending more time with him, then you’d take it.

“yeah but these ones need to be instagram worthy. how else will moa fully appreciate my charms?” he looks at you expectantly.

“just sit down.” you say playfully, “i’m sure moa will cherish any photo you post.” it was true, he had a strong fanbase and you always entertained yourself with the various emotions the comment section would go through.

soobin takes your advice and begins to strike a few poses on the cement bench while you crouch to take his best angles… which is all of them. seriously, how can a guy be so… hot and cute at the same time. you’d never tell him that though, his ego is already through the roof.

although you acknowledge he is quite attractive your friends say otherwise. no matter what you say, they have convinced themselves you're smitten, but you deny it. I mean, how could you like soobin? sure, maybe it’s cause you’ve been friends for so long, knowing soobin before his debut. you had always appreciated supporting him from the sidelines and don't want it any other way... he’d always tell you about his day like how work went from the lengthy practices he'd power through to meetings with producers and you’d always be there to listen. being the good friend that you are you can confidently say you're a fan of his group. you’ve even watched his performances and admired just how he could do all that.. how you had someone as amazing as him and to call him your friend. you wanted to support him in any way you could even if it meant just moments like these hearing about all of his accomplishments and what he’s working on next.

after what seems like forever he asks to see the photos you took, jogging up to your now standing position. you can feel the slight ache in your ankles, buckling at the knees a bit but you ignore it. turning his phone slightly to face him. he chooses, against your weak heart, to hover just above your shoulder. you can feel his breath fan aross the expanse of ur neck and it sends involuntary shivers down ur spine. the warmth mixed with the cold weather only adding to the feeling.

“what do you think?” you ask softly, still affected by the ever closing distance.

“that i need a new personal photographer” he says in a dull tone.

you take a step back to look at him, jaw slacked and in awe of his blatant response.

“hey! i never said i was good plus its free labor”

“yeah not the best service i have to give it a 4 out of 10” he says. he continues to berate your less than average photography skills. but yet, the photos you take of him always end up on his #monthlysoobin updates.

“if i wanna be nice… maybe ill boost you up to a 4.5 who knows”

“you're such an ass”, a pout growing on your lips as you face away from him. you don’t see it from your new position, but his grin only grows wider.

cute.

“come on,” he says. “let’s go get that gelato you wanted, i need my sugar fix” and he takes your hand in his, tugging you towards the direction of the gelato shop. you only stare at your now intertwined hands, cheeks flushing at the feeling.

oh, if only you knew.

#fluff #kpop #txt #tomorrow x together #choi soobin #soobin #soobin fluff #soobin x reader #soobin x y/n #txt fluff #idol au #txt imagines #txt x reader

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python333 · 6 months

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HAI! i rlly like your platonic 141 fics and I'm wondering if we could get some more dad price and/or brother gaz sleepy cuddles? :3

stretched too thin — python333

— — — —

synopsis gaz notices you overworking yourself one night and decides to step in before you end up pulling an all-nighter.

relationships platonic!gaz & gn!reader.

characters gaz.

word count 2.05k

warnings 2nd person pov [you/yours/yourself], usage of pet names [love, darling], usage of c/n [code name/call sign].

note oh my god im so sorry i disappeared for like. a month. ill try my best to not be gone for more than a week at a time, but with all of my schoolwork and just over all stress ive been experiencing lately, i dont know if ill be able to get fics out every week :< ill try my best though! please accept this fic as an apology—its another big bro gaz one!! special shoutout to everyone else who has an older sibling thats very distant with them, you and me are in the same boat fr!! also, last thing—im thinking about making a discord server where i announce when fics are being written and published and stuff, but i dunno if yall would join or anything, so if u would pls lmk!!

You haven’t left your office in five hours.

Recently—just about two days ago—you finished up an assignment fairly quickly and, as a result, had to write a detailed report of said assignment. It went over the mission you’d gone on, and listed off every major detail you could think of, though because you just can’t give yourself a break you were constantly thinking of other details you might’ve missed even though there was little chance you’d missed anything.

The mission wasn’t anything too important, honestly. It was originally going to be a week-long camp-out reconnaissance by an enemy task force’s base, obtaining information on their schedule and what they did throughout the day and whatnot. However, only a day into the mission, the small squad of soldiers that had accompanied you saw another small military group observing the same group you’d been observing.

So, naturally, you observed them as well. Aren’t you just the best multi-tasker?

The task force eventually found out about the other group, just a day later, while your squad was still in the clear to continue your observations. So, your mission had quickly come to a close—but, because of the circumstances under which the mission had come to a close, you were required to write an extremely detailed report on the other group and the group you’d been observing.

It would be an understatement to say you were tired. You’re exhausted.

Between the non-stop writing, the coffee sitting on your desk that’s been microwaved five times and has been refilled thrice, and the uncomfortable chair you’ve sat in that you have yet to replace, you’re extremely exhausted. Your movements are sluggish, your fingers aren’t as swift on the keyboard of your computer as they usually are, and worst of all—you still have more to write.

Your eyes stung and felt dry, your hands felt like they were going to stop working completely at any moment, and you were overall just exhausted.

You look over at the clock on your desk, and it reads 02:28 AM, indicating that you would only have about four hours to sleep if you went to bed now. I’m too far into this report to stop now, You tell yourself, sighing as you blink slowly at your computer screen, If only my vision didn’t keep getting blurry…

Suddenly, you hear a knock at the door. Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, and for a second you think you’re hallucinating until the knock sounds once more.

Reluctantly, with a voice raspy from not using it almost all day, you call out, “Come in!”

Your voice is softer and quieter than you’d like it to be, but it doesn’t matter too much to you at this moment—at least, not in your foggy mind that still begs you for sleep, even when you have far more of your report to finish.

The door opens with a creak, and in walks Gaz.

“Sarg,” He greets you, not bothering to close the door behind him as he walks up to your desk, “Pleasure to see you for the first time in, what… three days?”

“Two days and eighteen hours,” You correct him, taking a moment to crack your stiff knuckles, not taking your eyes off of your monitor, “And you know you don’t have to call me ‘sarg’ or ‘sergeant’ or anything. We’re the same rank.”

Gaz promptly ignores you, “Right, well, anything over a day is way too long for me to go without seeing you. Why’re you all cooped up in here on your computer?”

“‘Cause I need to write a report on my assignment,” You briefly explain, before lightly goading Gaz, “Not all of us need a shit ton of attention every day like you do.”

“Ehh,” Gaz theatrically makes a thinking face, before shrugging, “Not sure what you mean by ‘us’, but alright.”

“By ‘us’, I mean everyone but you.”

“Surely that doesn’t include you, right?”

“It does.”

Gaz gasps quietly at your reply, before dramatically responding, “Oh, you can’t be serious.”

“I absolutely can,” You hum, finally taking your eyes off of your computer screen to look up at Gaz, “Is it so hard for you to believe that I don’t need to talk to you every waking hour?”

“It is, actually,” Gaz scoffs, “Because I know that you do need to talk to me every waking hour.”

“Uh, no I don’t,” You childishly argue, raising an eyebrow at Gaz.

“Uh, yes you do,” Gaz immaturely argues back, crossing his arms, “Look me in the eyes and tell me that the past two days and eighteen hours haven’t been shit because I haven’t given you any attention.”

You open your mouth to form a response but quickly close it, realizing that yeah, actually, I kind of do crave his attention.

Fuck.

“You’re not the only person that gives me attention,” You point out, hoping to find some way to change the subject.

“Sure, but you like the attention I give you the most,” Gaz hums, leaning forward to rest his crossed arms on your desk opposite of where you sit.

“You don’t know that.”

“Then tell me that I’m wrong,” Gaz challenges you.

You narrow your eyes at him, glaring at him for a moment before sighing, “You suck.”

“Maybe I suck, but you look like you haven’t slept for the past week,” Gaz points out, “You look exhausted, by the way. And dehydrated. Actually, you just look like the human embodiment of a headache.”

“What the fuck?”

“I mean that in the most loving, non-offensive way possible.”

“You come into my office, accuse me of needing attention from you, then you insult me by calling me the human version of a headache?”

“It wasn’t an insult!” Gaz raises his hands in surrender, before sighing, “I’m being serious. You look dead, [c/n]. You need sleep.”

“What I need is to finish this report,” You huff out, beginning to turn your attention back to your computer, before Gaz’s hand is quickly placed on your chin and forces you to look back at him.

“No, what you need is some rest,” Gaz argues, more serious this time, taking his hand off of your chin—something you shouldn’t miss nearly as much as you do, the warmth of his hand fading far too quickly from your face—and bringing it back to rest on the desk.

“Maybe you need rest, Gaz.”

“Sure I do,” He shrugs, “But I’m only going to sleep if you do.”

You raise an eyebrow at him, “Really? You’re pulling that card?”

“I am.”

You stare at him for a moment, mentally weighing your options, before sighing and bringing your elbows up to the table so that you can place your forehead in your hands.

On one hand, if you stay in your office you can finish up your report before four and then go to sleep, and hope that you magically feel active even with just an hour or two of sleep in the morning. On the other hand, if you go to sleep now, so does Gaz, and then you both get more than just two hours of sleep.

After another moment of consideration, you huff out a frustrated breath and mutter, “Fine.”

Gaz smiles down at you and walks around your desk to your side of it, holding out a hand for you to grab to help yourself up from your chair and using his free hand to save your report and power off your monitor.

You take his hand and stand up, your legs a little weak and balance iffy from sitting down for so long, but within the next few minutes you’re sure you’ll be able to properly walk. You let go of his hand once you’re positive you won’t fall over, and once he sees that you’re able to walk, Gaz silently walks towards the door of your office. Just as quietly, you follow him.

He turns off the lights for you and lets you walk out of the office first, locking the door from the inside and closing it once you’re out. Once he’s done, he takes the lead again and you follow him down to his sleeping quarters. It’s not too long of a walk there, only two minutes at most.

Once you’re there, Gaz opens the door and lets you walk in first. Once you’re inside and Gaz has closed the door, you shrug off your camouflage patterned jacket and toe off your already loosened tan boots, leaving you in just your camouflage cargo pants and army green undershirt.

You look down at your pants with a frown, knowing from experience that sleeping in them was incredibly uncomfortable and left you regretting your whole existence the morning after, but before you could even look over at Gaz to tell him of your situation, you felt something being thrown at you.

You immediately turn your attention to the item that had been hurled at you—the item in question being a pair of gray sweatpants, some that would probably be a little bit looser than you’d prefer on your figure—and then look over at Gaz with a questioning look.

“Figured you wouldn’t wanna sleep in that,” Gaz shrugs, nodding to your cargo pants in response to your nonverbal confusion.

You hum in appreciation, not wanting to talk too much at the moment, instead waiting for Gaz to look away before slipping off your pants and replacing them with the sweatpants Gaz had thrown at you. The fit isn’t as uncomfortable as you thought they’d be—they’re loose and hang low on your hips, just like you thought they would, of course, but they don’t feel nearly as weird as you thought they would.

Once you’ve tightened the strings on the waist of the pants, you get into Gaz’s bed, pulling the covers up and over yourself. Gaz quickly settles into the bed next to you, quickly getting himself comfortable under the sheets, and pulling the covers up and over his shoulders in one swift movement.

He gets closer to you, so close that his chest presses against your back and you can feel the tip of his nose ghosting over the top of your head. He wraps one arm over your body to pull you impossibly closer to him, and his other arm snakes underneath the side of your body so that both of his arms are wrapped around you.

He hums contently and his thumb rubs small circles into your clothed stomach, the action—despite being small—causing your stomach to warm up almost immediately.

“Comfortable, darling?” Gaz asks quietly, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head.

“Very,” You mumble back, trying to subtly lean your head back against Gaz in hopes of getting at least one more kiss. Noticing your efforts, he huffs out a small laugh and presses another gentle kiss right at the edge of your hairline before pressing one last one to your forehead.

Even with the comforting atmosphere, you can’t find it within yourself to fully relax, your body still tense and stiff underneath the blanket. Gaz, just like he did with your “subtle” movements, notices and frowns.

“Just sleep,” Gaz tiredly mumbles into the top of your head, “You have to get up in three hours. The sooner you sleep, the more sleep you get.”

You don’t respond, instead simply sighing and forcing your eyes closed. You do have to admit, it’s nice being able to actually close your eyes for something other than blinking, and closing your eyes for longer than half a second has made you realize that they were even drier than you thought they were.

Exhausted and ready to finally sleep, you eventually get to a point where you no longer need to force your eyes shut, and as a result, your whole body relaxes for the first time in almost six hours.

“G’night, love,” Gaz murmurs, feeling your body relax next to his. You hum in acknowledgment of his words, not finding the energy within yourself to properly respond, instead finding yourself drifting off into a deep sleep.

And if four hours later, Gaz wakes up and simply lies there, not waking you and instead letting you get some more sleep despite you having to be up soon, nobody has to know.

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ceilidho · 3 months

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just wanted to come on here and say how much i adore your work and that you're easily a top 3 fic writer for me. i've been reading since you first published "be real with me (don't ghost me)", and i've been hooked ever since. (i would levitate with happiness if you chose to write reylo again, but your writing is so fantastic that i have read, and will continue to read and enjoy, anything you post, whatever the fandom.) you've inspired me to give fic writing a shot myself, and if you're willing, i'd love to know more about how you use pinterest to put together moodboards for your fics. what are some of your favorite search terms on pinterest? i've used pinterest for style purposes before, but i've never utilized it to cultivate inspiration for a fic. any tips would be so dang appreciated!!

OH you're actually a real one because that's one of my least popular reylo fics and i never understood why because i thought i was a genius when i came up with that idea lmaoooo

also...once again....i am toying with the idea of turning my reylo wips into original stories since i already did so much work just for them to sit there unfinished in perpetuity :)) and if i did turn them into original fics, it would, again, be a thinly veiled reylo fic lol

also im so happy to hear that you're giving writing a shot!!! im telling you, there's always room at the table. i think ppl often second guess themselves because they think their work will be overlooked but honestly people hunger for new art.

ok first of all, my pinterest is here for anyone curious. hmm honestly my fic ideas always predate my pinterest searches, so well before i go to create a moodboard, i already have an idea of the vibe i'm going for. when i was putting the Space Plague board together, i looked up things like "alien" "star system" "futuristic" "dystopian futurism" "interstellar" (because i knew that movie had some stills i liked) "gold lights" "gold arcs" "futuristic knight". the hardest part lately is avoiding all of the AI generated garbage tbh.

like with my cowboy/western fics i was looking up things like "horses" "desert sunsets" "ranch aesthetic" "western aesthetic" "wyoming" "cowboy aesthetic" (aesthetic is a good word to use for searches lmaoo)

i personally love looking up materials and objects that im really interested in too - like, i wrote this in my notes recently, but im currently obsessed with "figs, pearls, silver, oysters, and glass" and sometimes ill build boards around those "themes" to use as inspiration as well. and that way, you have them :))

also!!! if you find a handful of good pictures, pinterest's algorithm is actually very good at helping you find even more. if you click on just one image you can usually find a ton more that are similar.

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nouies · 4 months

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Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

thanks to @allwaswell16 for tagging me! i enjoyed reading your answers a lot! 1. List of works published this year:

ready for a war

Devoted

fuck around, find out

seven, seven

the embers are new

bet on it

Harmony

Cold Spring

two languages, one love

could start a cult

must be love

don’t let the fire die

2. Work you are most proud of (and why): i’m proud of all of them for different reasons, this is very hard to choose. i’m going to say Harmony bc it was the first time i made a collab with an artist.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why): not necessarily a work but i’m not proud that i couldn’t meet my writing goals set for this year (writing a fic longer than 20k words, finishing a wip i’ve had for three years).

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing: from fuck around, find out

“Everything looks lovely but please, call me Louis. What was your inspiration for the menu, Chef Styles?” Louis asks, beaming. Harry lets out a laugh, refocusing his gaze to the dining area. “I’ll call you Louis if you call me Harry, can we agree on that?” Once he gets a nod of confirmation, he continues. “When Oli mentioned you wanted to retribute to the people working for the movie, and that you wanted it to feel personal, it immediately made me think of the time I arrived in New York. I was a youngster, with no family in the city and only a promise of a job that I wasn’t sure I was talented enough to fulfill,” Harry tells, remembering the nerve-wracking feeling of accepting the sous chef position when he was so young and with not much expertise. “Uh, an old lady by the name of Vittoria welcomed me to her house. She was like a second mother to me, sharing with me not only her home but her culture as well. She came to the States with her parents when she was just a toddler but grew up surrounded by the Italian community. We used to have gatherings every weekend with all her family—and I mean all the family, children, grandchildren, neighbors…I learned a lot from her, from all of them. And I used that as an inspiration for today. You’ll see three courses of my version of some of the food I had the pleasure to share with Vittoria and her family. Just wait until you try the tiramisù…it’s to die for,” he ends with a sigh. When he looks back at Louis, he notices something on his face. Fondness, maybe?

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received: i love getting comments, and there are so many that i keep in my heart that it’s hard to choose. i love especially the ones under my rare pair fics bc it’s when ppl usually tell me that they don’t read rare pairs but they gave it a chance bc of me. it means more than words can express when someone trusts you like that.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard: when i was ill around july and i kept changing and changing my blff prompt. i was very close to drop out bc i thought i wouldn’t make it. fortunately i did and i finished my second fic on time.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: writing Pedro Pascal surprised me a lot lol like i’ve obviously read Louis/Pedro fics before but i had never entertained the idea of writing one myself and it was a nice surprise. also, writing Louis/OMC wasn’t on my plans either but i welcomed it.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year: i personally don’t see any growth.

9. How do you hope to grow next year: i just hope to finish the ideas that i have. i don’t expect for them to be masterpieces, i just need them to be finished.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): definitely my friends, the ones that read pairings or tropes they don’t like only bc it’s me writing them, the ones that hype my fics even if they don’t know if the story is good yet, the ones that offer their help and their advice to help me improve.

thank you to Anitra @allwaswell16 for being so supportive all this year, for betaing my works and offering your advice, and for encouraging me to keep going.

thank you to Emma @alltheselights who always reads my fics and leaves gorgeous comments under them, your support means a lot to me.

there’s three fics that wouldn’t exist without Mar @sunbellylou so thank you so much, my love, for being an inspiration to write the filthiest things.

thank you to Kenny @luviebaybie for being the most supportive even when life gets busier and busier. thanks for taking the time to beta for me, i appreciate it a lot!

thank you to Andy @outropeace for inspiring me to write abt Louis and the bodyguard, and for teaching me how to write a smau.

thank you to @linhuine, @smittenwithlouis, @nooradeservedbetter, @lemelous, @punkpillowprincess, @voulezloux, @disgruntledkittenface, @tokyolou, for your constant support and your friendship.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: fortunately nothing bc i write romantic stories, no sad stories 🤭

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: joining fic fests is not only an opportunity for you to shine, it’s a chance to build community so pls support works from the other authors in the fest, that’s what a fest is about.

also, hide your stats from ao3. there’s a lot of freedom in not knowing if your fic has hits and kudos or if it doesn’t.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: YES! i’m only working on two projects and i’m so excited abt them. the first one it’s a collab between me and @lemelous so expect a lot of gorgeous art, and the second one is a Louis/SebStan wip i couldn’t finish this year.

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. ;)@voulezloux, @nooradeservedbetter, @disgruntledkittenface if you haven’t done this already.

*All answers should be about works published in 2023

#my writing #fic talk

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the-silver-chronicles · 8 months

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WIP Wednesday + Last Line Paragraph

Tagged by @direwombat @g0dspeeed @inafieldofdaisies and @josephseedismyfather

Tagging @socially-awkward-skeleton @cassietrn @chazz-anova @adelaidedrubman @wrathfulrook @shallow-gravy @strangefable @voidika @poisonedtruth @derelictheretic @detectivelokis @josephslittledeputy @vampireninjabunnies-blog @snake-in-the-garden @strafethesesinners @a-rose-in-a-garden-of-weeds @henbased @ladyofedens-blog @little-wolf-seed and @deputy-morgan-malone + anyone else who wishes to join and share.

Here's a WIP of Silva's Hope. And we got some Mary May! This isn't my most polished work so the final result will be a bit different once it's published. WIP below:

Mary May raised a brow at Nadi, regarding the smaller blonde with puzzlement. She finished polishing the glassware, placing it onto the counter with a soft clink.

Setting both arms firmly on the bar, Nadi's brown eyes had to endure the intensity of the barkeep's light blue. She noticed the skepticism, how the Fairgrave woman was running her words through her head, tearing them apart.

However, Nadi didn't waver from her poker face, and maintained the clueless Fall's End overseas nouvelle venue act. Masking emotions was a quality she learnt from Jacob, and later John had given her a few tips on how to hide intentions to get information better.

A pause was heavy between the two, until Mary May finally responded, but with her own question, "Now why do you want to know about a dead girl?"

Nadi smoothed a hand over to her small braid, playing with it as she answered, "Well, like I said, I've been learning so much about Fall's End for a few weeks now... to get a clearer picture on everything that goes about here, you know? But I can't seem to get a straight answer on this Omar girl. She seemed to have a... mixed reputation, non?"

Much to Nadi's delight, Mary May snorted as she shook her head, reaching under her counter to grab a beer bottle.

"Understatement of the century," the barkeeper mumbled, eyes easing the intensity in her eyes. Cagnotte, Nadi proudly thought to herself as Mary May's lips parted to answer.

“Now, so you know, my word isn’t exactly a picture perfect replication of who Elsa Omar was," Mary May stated, opening the bottle and pouring it into a glass for a patron, "Neither does anyone else in Fall's End. We only ever saw one or two sides of her, and that was what she wanted us to see. The closest you’re going to get to an accurate description of her would be from her older sister, but even then, I'd assume her account on her little sister wouldn't be anything but with rose-tinted glasses. What sister wouldn't think their sibling was anything more than the person they grew up with?"

Mary May held a distant look that Nadi pretended to not notice as she thought on her words. The short-haired blond couldn't help but agree with the sentiment. As an older sibling herself, she knew exactly what it was like to view those younger and older than herself in a different light than everybody else. Even when she probably shouldn't have. I'll need Sister Nancy to tell me more about this older sister of Elsa's. Hopefully she's managed to achieve her assignment by now.

"Now with that said,” Mary May paused, tapping her fingers against the wooden counter, “Elsa Omar was a performer, a tricky one at that. I believed her about her fragile bones. Defended her even. Because who would lie about something like that? Probably helped her case that there were times we heard of her getting what should have been very minor scrapes for anyone else but serious injuries for her. Multiple trips to the clinic wasn't unusual for that girl. Felt bad for her, as did everyone else. We were also in awe by her spirit, in spite of the disadvantage she had. I know I was."

Seeing that she still had Nadi's attention, Mary May continued, "I never like to speak ill of the dead. It just... never feels rights when the person isn't around to hear it themselves. But I gotta say, Elsa was, and will always be, one of the most confusing people I have ever met."

Nadi tilted her head, shuffling her stool seat closer to the counter, "How so?"

Mary May huffed, shaking her head with pursed lips and furrowed brows as she spoke, "I just never got her deal. She had a successful business. A family member close by. And got lucky with men and women alike. I honestly thought she was plenty decent until she continued to run her mouth around me. She could be really nice to you. She could be really good to you. She could have even made you believe she was your best friend. Or she could be a self-absorbed, rude shit with an ego that puts John Seed and Guy Marvel to shame. Never hated her, but didn't exactly like her either. Most people though either had one opinion or the other about her, both good and bad. As I said, she was tricky. And quite the actor. I could never tell which facade was her true self. If either was the "real her" anyways. She didn't cause unnecessary problems, or try to get my business shut down, which made me a little lenient to tolerate her. Her sister always got a free pass from me because she didn't bother anyone. Or she was too shy to. Though I chalked it up as someone who didn't have a good handle on their English yet. Never liked making conversation, always keeping things short. Not Elsa though, she talked like it was her way of breathing."

Nadi clasped her hands together and rested her chin on top, supported by her elbows on the bar counter, as she continued to listen to the sinner speak her mind. While the business she owned enabled others to indulge in their vices, Nadi couldn't help but be enraptured by Mary May's words. She could see why John had a small infatuation with the barkeeper. She had an aura of a person who was capable of taking care of herself, a reliable ally who could pull her own weight and someone who was tough. Someone who wouldn't go down that easily. All were admirable traits, and useful too. Not to mention, she was pleasing on the eyes.

Nadi felt disappointed that the other blonde let her Pride vehemently dictate her decisions, rejecting the Father's truth. John's chances to give salvation. Would've loved to see her walking around in Chosen attire, came the intrusive thought.

The image of a beauté like Mary May dressed as a Chosen, just like Nadi's fellow brothers and sisters back at the Veteran's Centre, darkened Nadi's cheeks, and her want for someone's touch return.

Shaking her head, Nadi shooed those tempting thoughts away. Restrain your LUST, Sinclair, a voice, either her own or John's, chided, You already need to resist charming your boss, don't push yourself further into sin by leading others or yourself down that path... again.

"Hey, you alright?" Mary May's voice cut through Nadi's thoughts.

Nadi blinked, and put on a smile before gesturing towards Mary May, "Oui. Got lost in thoughts. Please, continue."

And here is the last lines for La Última En Pie. Nightmare sequences are difficult to write (also trigger warning for child abuse, nightmares of implied child murder and, uh, creepiness):

“No matter where you hide. No matter how far you run. No matter which sinners you choose to sully what little virtue you have with,” Father told her, his grip getting tighter, constricting her breath, “You. Will always. Be. Mine."

Sylvester clawed at his arm, his wrist, his hand. Choking on screams he kept silent. "This isn't supposed to be happening," she wanted to say, so desperately, "This wasn't how this went." Her wide grey eyes stared into the unbothered gaze of whom she shared the colour with. Father drew her face closer to his, as he whispered his promise, "And we will be together in my Garden. My paradise. No matter which form I mold you in."

#far cry the silver chronicles #far cry 5 #wip: silva's hope #oc: nadi sinclair #mary may fairgrave #special mention ocs #oc: elsa omar #special mention characters #john seed #nancy #fucking nancy #wip: la última en pie #oc: silva omar #oc: father adam omar #tw: child abuse #tw: brief nightmare sequence #tw: creepiness

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hadit93 · 4 months

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Some Thoughts on the Future of Thelemic Magick

It is my opinion that the Thelemic movement has been largely stagnant in terms of growth and development since the death of Aleister Crowley in 1947. This is not to say there have been no developments or innovative thinkers at all, simply that the majority do not question the documents Crowley penned and believe or ignore any other developments in occultism, magick, and academia.

One thing which needs to be adapted in the new aeon is the training of the order of AA. The guidelines were written over 100 years ago and were largely based on the Golden Dawn system and some rudimentary understanding of raja yoga. The fact is we know much more about both of these systems and understand much more about magical systems in general. People focus too much on the specific practices rather than the experiences these practices are meant to bring about. Not everyone will be able to use the original AA instructions and make them work, there are other methods and what matters is the experience gained rather than the work needed to get there.

Another thing I believe needs to go is the hierarchical system of magical orders. Every man and every woman is a star, the law is for all. There are no magical secrets anymore, and quite frankly those who are ill prepared to use certain techniques will not get very far to begin with. There is no need for pompous titles and secret handshakes. Kill it with fire.

I also believe utilising the tree of life as a structure for initiation is problematic. It just doesn't work in my opinion and is an idea developed by the Golden Dawn that needn't continue on into the modern day. People need to track their development, yes. But do people really need to be stuck in the relator grade because they can't hold an asana without moving for an hour? It makes for a pointless exercise. I believe everyone should try to master an asana, but why assign this to one grade? Especially when the elemental initiations were scrapped by Crowley?

I believe Jerry Cornelius was the first to propose a three grade system based on Liber Legis: The Man of Earth, The Lover, and the Hermit. He mapped these roughly to Neophyte, Adept, and Magister Templi. That is the first work is to prepare the temple for the Angel, to analyse the Self and master the Self. This is the work of the man of Earth- to become a stable foundation. The work of the lover is to attain knowledge and conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel which in the Thelemic system (as opposed to the Abramelin system from where the term comes) means achieving samadhi and a connection to the interface with the God head. The work of the hermit is to cross the abyss which I will not speak on because I have no real experience of this.

Crowley recognised that people needed to find their own ways to these goals very early on. In fact a lot of the time people did not go through the AA grades officially. They had an experience and Crowley recognised this as appropriate for a specific grade. Not everyone is going to forge a link to the angel with ritual, for some it will be devotional work and yoga, for others they want to invoke beings and have all the visuals, and others will find prayer to be a valuable tool. The AA has instructions in all of these, but to assume you need to master all of them is a false assumption and just makes life hard.

Something else that needs to be addressed is the people who have blinders on when it comes to developments in magick after Crowley. For example, his instructions on Astral projection are not great, they require further instruction and we have so many more tools at our disposal now that makes the whole process easier. Not to mention lucid dreaming research which can make entry into the astral during sleep easier and allow for the same during waking hours. There are countless books published by mystics and psychologists alike. Why not use them?

In terms of evocation we know Crowley's Goetia is the worst edition, and it wasn't even Crowleys (but that's another story)! We now know the roots of such practices and we hopefully have grown past the idea that chthonic spirits are evil and dirty. We have hopefully gone past the notion that all things must be, or even can be, banished before a magical working takes place.

We must be past the idea that Crowley had mastered the Golden Dawn system, he had not. Crowley was also not really a practicing magician for the majority of his magical career. As soon as he found sex magick, that was his focus. Therefore whilst he was certainly knowledgeable, he was not the authority on the Golden Dawn system and modern adepts of that system should certainly be listened to as they have the benefit of receiving decades worth of teachings and information from people who actually practiced the system consistently for most of their lives.

Finally, and most importantly, we surely do not believe Crowley is the only prophet of the new age? The only magician who receives communications? The only one worth listening to? We must get past this, the point of magic is to establish communication with spiritual forces, why would the words of Crowley be placed on a pedestal above all others? I am not showing disrespect for Liber Legis or any of the other so-called 'holy books' but I also do not treat them like sacred scripture. I think it is ridiculous alongside any religious aspect applied to Thelema. Crowleyanity is an abomination.

I do not believe the time for instruction is over, I do believe magical orders are on the decline and this is because of their own stagnation. I believe the student-teacher relationship to be necessary not only to the student but also to the teacher. They keep each other aware of their own bullshit. They also question each other, challenge each other, and ultimately help each other to grow. This being said, I believe such relationships should come about naturally as opposed to being manufactured by the pairing up of individuals at random via an email list.

In short, I believe Thelema needs to change and in particular the orders of Thelema need to change quickly because they will cease to exist. Once they cease to exist Thelema will also decline and will be gone by the end of the current century. This would be a shame as many of the modern magical movements are drenched in Thelema, but Thelema at its core is a beautiful mystical philosophy that can inform an individual of their own sovereignty and their own course amongst the stars.

#Thelema #A.'.A.'.#AA #Magick #Modern Thelema #Crowley

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sparklingyandere · 2 years

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Can I get yandere yae with male reader? Anyway here the situation.

Yae is about to confessed her love for reader but than a kid come and hug him while saying "papa! There you are! Mama is searching for you you know!" And then the 'mother' come and turn out, it's lumine!? I just want to see yae getting angry cuz ain't no way she can defeat lumine lol. I just want to see her getting angry while reader and his family is having fun

title: family man summary: yandere yae/male reader/lumine, yae pov word count: 1k warnings: yandere, yae is subjected to so much pda a/n: this is probably so ooc i know next to nothing about yae

The tap tap of Yae’s knuckles resounded on the door to your home.

It creaked open slightly, and a handsome face popped out, cautious eyes flashing with recognition upon seeing the unexpected guest.

“Lady Yae? What are you doing here?” You asked, opening the door enough to slide out and join Yae on the porch.

“Oh, please, there’s no need for that,” she waves her hand, “We see each other at the shrine often enough, don’t we? Call me Miko.”

You laugh slightly, “Well, I suppose we do, but what’s so important that you came all the way out here?”

“Am I not allowed to visit my friend at his house? Come outside and chat with me,” Yae says, stepping into the yard and sitting on an outdoor swing for two. She pats the empty seat beside her, and you reluctantly join her.

“Lady Miko, I sent the finance reports up to the shrine yesterday, was there a problem with the budget?”

Yae frowns at the continued formality you address her with, but doesn’t push it. “I told you, silly, I’m not here to talk about work. It’s your day off, of course.”

“Well, most people don’t expect their boss to show up unannounced on their day off,” you joke. “I figured you were going to guilt me into picking up an extra shift again.”

She chuckles, “Is that really how you see me?” She surveys the property you called home. Though Yae found many ways to bump into you in public, she had never been to your house before, and it was quite a large one, even for someone living on your salary. Though you received a generous pay, perhaps more generous than any of the other managers at the publishing house, it wasn’t so lavish as to afford such a private cottage.

“Quite a large abode for someone living alone,” she remarks. You scrunch up your brows in confusion, giving her a strange look.

You open your mouth to speak, but she cuts you off. “Are you in need of some company? I bet it gets so cold at night,” her voice lowers for the second sentence, taking on a teasing tone.

“Lady Miko, I don’t live alone.” you say.

Just as she prepares to question you, the door swings open, and a small child- no older than eight- sprints down the porch steps and into your arms.

“Papa! Dinner’s almost ready, you have to come inside!” she shouts, tugging on your arm. She turns her head to Yae, making a shocked face at the stranger. “Hi, lady!” she smiles, before going back to heckling you.

“What a sweet thing,” Yae says, playing off the interruption, “I didn’t know you were a family man.”

“Sorry, Lady Miko. We’ll talk tomorrow.” You get up from the swing and allow your daughter to pull you towards the entrance to your home.

Yae stands with you and follows you up to the porch, preparing to negotiate a longer stay, but another figure appears in the doorway. The little girl lets go of you to run into the arms of the figure, who Yae now recognizes to be the traveler.

“What’s taking so long?” Lumine says, and Yae lets out a humorless laugh to cover her surprise.

“Lumine, I didn’t know you were back in Inazuma. It’s been a while,” she says. Her tone is polite, holding back her irritation.

“Miko, it’s you! This is a nice surprise, would you like to join us for dinner?” Lumine’s smile is bright, just like the rest of her, and holds no traces of ill will. Yae agrees with masked reluctance.

Delicious-looking matsutake meat rolls were passed around to the table for the three of you, while the child enjoyed a small tub of applesauce.

“Looks delicious, babe,” you beamed.

“Thanks, it’s a recipe I picked up in Liyue,” Lumine bragged, though you didn’t mind, grinning to your wife before indulging in a bite.

“So, Lumine, you settled down quite young. What happened?” Yae asked, attempting to gauge the situation.

“I don’t really know,” she started, “One day you’re fighting dragons and slaying gods, and the next…” she stops talking to ogle you with lovestruck eyes. Sickeningly, you returned the gaze.

Yae chuckled at the display, as though she weren’t fuming in her seat. “Give it a rest, lovebirds,” she says, tone joking, though she is fully serious. “Sumeru didn’t work out?” If Lumine has given up on finding her twin, her hopes of seducing you were just about trashed. She wouldn’t let go so easily.

Your wide eyes get solemn, as do Lumine’s. “It’s a sensitive subject.” You say. Lumine just nods silently.

The child throws the applesauce cup across the table, catching everyone’s attention. “Papa,” she whines, “Done eating. When can we play?”

You turn to Yae. “I’m really sorry, Lady Miko, but it’s getting late. I’ll see you tomorrow.” you say, standing up to escort her out.

Lumine stands as well. “Thank you for visiting, Miko,” she says, warmly. If Yae had been just a little bit dumber, she’d believe that Lumine truly considered her a friend, but if that had been the case, why had she gone several years in Inazuma without stopping for a single visit? With a husband who worked at her publishing house, no less. It was almost as if she had wanted to catch her off guard like this.

Yae gives her polite farewells and makes her way down the path to the shrine, evaluating her next course of action.

No, Yae was absolutely hopeless to drive Lumine away through any sort of combat, even with Ei’s help, not that she wanted to fight Lumine anyways. And based on the way you looked at her, she already had you wrapped tightly around her finger as well, stealing you away from her seemed basically out of the question as well.

Yae was baffled as to how you’d had a wife and child all these years, and she was somehow none the wiser. Perhaps the signs had always been there, but she was too caught up looking through rose colored lenses to notice.

Well, if Lumine had given up on finding her brother, perhaps Yae would just have to do it for her.

#yandere #yandere genshin impact x reader #yandere genshin x reader #yandere genshin #yandere genshin impact #yandere x reader #yandere yae miko #yandere yae #yandere yae miko x reader #yandere x male reader #male reader

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sherlockianscholar · 26 days

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part 1 (1985-1990): the saga of jeremy brett through the scuttlebutt archives

go here for part two!

since 1971, sherlockian and baker st irregular, peter blau has published a small "gossip" sheet for all sherlock holmes news under publication of the "scuttlebutt from the spermaceti press." after the advent of computers, peter started digitizing all his sheets from 1985 onward.

i went through blau's archives to look for any tidbits on jeremy brett. what i found tells jeremy's saga as granada's sherlock holmes. some of the entries are very straightforward. some of them require reading through the lines. some of them are just fun background bits of granada. but all of them paint jeremy's story through little snippets of news.

March 1985: granada premieres in america! vincent price quoted edgar w. smith, one of the foremost sherlockians in history :)

July 1985: the beginning of the closing chapter of his life

for some reason these are the only pictures i can find of joan and jeremy together, but they are absolutely adorable

August 1985 #1

August 1985 #2: jeremy's flightiness around the role trickles to the press. though he'll never say why.

"'and then i hang my pipes up,'" he said with a smile." his feelings regarding holmes were dangerous before joan's death and only got worse.

to quote producer june wyndham-davies, "when his depression was upon him, and he suffered from depression of the worst kind, he was a different person entirely. i've never known anyone whose personality could change so much. he would become aggressive and not want to continue. i had so many conversations with jeremy about not wanting to continue as sherlock holmes. he felt that sherlock holmes had turned him into a monster. jeremy brett was like that before he ever came to sherlock holmes, but it wasn't his fault and it certainly wasn't sherlock holmes fault."

December 1987: i didn't know he commissioned the play, the secret of sherlock holmes! and helped write it!!

February 1988: damn, that's audacious

May 1988: i can only imagine how much more would've been created and executed if jeremy hadn't gotten sick

okay but, the dog in the hound of the baskervilles is named khan. the movie is literally the wrath of khan.

June 1988: i can't pinpoint the timeline for when jeremy's mental illness became public knowledge and published by the media. however, from this short news clipping, it doesn't seem like they knew the real reason jeremy's hair was cut short. and almost certainly not that he chopped it off himself.

"jeremy just got into one of his manic states—you know, i hate sherlock holmes etc., and one day he cut his hair. in front of the mirror, he lopped bits off. i remember the first time I saw him after he had done it. we were both appearing in an 80th birthday tribute to sir laurence olivier at the national. he turned up at the theatre and i said, 'god, what have you done to your hair?' it was patently obvious it had not been cut by a barber—there were bits sticking up all over." -edward hardwicke

July 1988: the age of jeremy brett! forget the victorian era, this is the jeremerian? brettian? era

October 1988 #1

October 1988 #2: jeremy's insecurities shine through more. high praise for daniel day-lewis. "don't worry you haven't heard or seen the last of him!" congrats to jeremy for introducing lewis to america LOL. yay for play success! (also what does he mean by saying the private life of sherlock holmes is a "damaged film?" robert stephens was one of jeremy's life long best friends--stephens died exactly 2 months after jeremy. coincidentally, jeremy's ex-boyfriend, paul shenar, died exactly one month after jeremy.)

October 1988 #3: L O L

November 1988 #1: jeremy's opinion matters!

November 1988 #2: in my opinion, "bending the willow" is the most important part of jeremy's interpretation of holmes

August 1989: michael cox (the cornerstone of creating and shaping the first half of granada's run) begins to make his (very forced) exit. jeremy's physical health problems are becoming apparent, but they are brushed away by the actor, attributing his breathing issues and weight gain to heavy smoking. and once again, jeremy tries to cast off holmes, without revealing his true reasons.

according to granada's page on the arthur conan doyle encyclopedia, this is what was really happening:

"the performances were probably cathartic for him, but required excessive physical effort from a man with a worsening heart condition who, due to the enormous water retention caused by the lithium, found it difficult to breathe and move. he was forced to leave the theatre and go to hospital, where he stayed for a fortnight and had more than twelve litres of water removed from his body. by 1989 brett and hardwicke, who had supported him with boundless patience, were on their knees. brett took a short holiday but had to be rushed home and hospitalized: the treatments for his bipolar disorder and his heart condition had clashed."

i strongly recommend reading edward's later comments of his difficulties with jeremy during the show: link here

October 1989: two months later, jeremy has yet again changed his mind on continuing as sherlock holmes

November 1989: philip purser how d a r e you say that about my beloved watson. of course, it's from the daily mail, so his opinion doesn't matter.

December 1989: granada undergoes major changes. the conservative government was actively attacking the british media and coming after their budgets. after ousting all of the original leaders of granada's sherlock holmes, the new priorites were based off of ratings and profitability. "you must always remember that your business is to form the market as well as to supply it, [otherwise] your career will have succeeded only in restraining the arts, tarnishing the virtues, and throwing confusion into the manners of your contemporaries." -a granada staffer to the new leaders of the show

January 1990: jeremy finally feels stable in the role, but i think without that dance with "the dark side of the moon" he felt like he lost a key element in his portrayal of holmes. even though he had always been terrified of that instabiity.

end of part 1, so here's part two!

#sherlock holmes #jeremy brett #granada #granada holmes #long post #scuttlebutt from the spermaceti press #peter blau #edward hardwicke #linda pritchard #granada meta #june wyndham-davies #michael cox #part 1 #bipolar #mental illness #original post

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greenerteacups · 7 months

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From what I've seen online, the major consensus amongst HP fans is that Cursed Child is NOT canon ( and many simply pretend it doesn't exist). I remember when it first came out and was being promoted, both the stage show and the published script, and everyone was really excited for new HP material... until we realised that it just... wasn't canon... at all. Yeah, the idea of Voldemort as presented in the HP novels having any sort of romantic relationship with Bellatrix and having a child is simply ridiculous and certainly just exists as a way for him to have a secret child for reasons of the wacky plot... it's very tween fanfic and also very Disney channel sequel (like the og villains all having kids we never heard about is totally a real Disney channel thing).

I remember it being very clear at the time that it came out that any "pointers" or "ideas" JKR provided to the actual writer of CC must've been the very barest of bones, the tiniest of shards perhaps, because it simply read like a sort of AU fanfiction written by the most casual of fans... which, as I understand, it really was. At the time when it came out, it was pretty clear that she had very little to do with actually writing it, though I suppose more was made later of her 'involvement' to legitimise it. I heard since that someone asked her if it should be considered canon, and she said yes? Not sure how this interaction actually went down as I don't particularly care to look into it (since nothing will change my mind that the AU of CC makes no sense within the context of HP canon and lore and it was probably some kind of marketing tactic in support of the stage play) but as she clearly didn't actually write CC herself and it contradicts many things from the books she did write, I'm pretty happy to continue ignoring its existence.

What do you think of Fantastic Beasts in comparison? Personally, I put Fantastic Beasts in a separate category where I can kind of accept aspects of it as canon expansions of the lore and worldbuilding... I can see JKR's style clearly and the inconsistencies with timelines and certain characters being in places and times they shouldn't be don't bother me as much as the straight up character assassination we see in CC. To put it another way, I think CC feels like it belongs to a totally different IP and was written by a different author (because it was) while FB definitely still exists in Rowling's wizarding world, it's just the timeline is kinda off.

this is interesting context. I think she kind of has to say yes to that question in context, because like... who's going to shill out £150 to see some random dude's AU fanfiction play (if it isn't even good)? of course, JKR's stamp isn't nothing, but even she can't weld extra content into the canon by declaring it so. i see TCC like church ephemera: i'm sure SOMEONE finds it interesting or relevant to what we're doing here, but that doesn't mean it's part of the Bible.

i feel the same way about fantastic beasts, but to a lesser extent. i actually enjoyed the first fantastic beasts movie, i thought it was playful and charming and (with the exception of the dumb polyjuice plot) the perfect way to revive harry potter as a storytelling vehicle. like, yeah, it fucked up by trying to go too big too soon, but if you can remove one (1) subplot or narrative thread and have a solid movie, then as a writer, you've still done okay.

Fantastic Beasts also annoys me because it does feel like harry potter, in terms of tone and mouthfeel. it's got the sauce. it just heinously drops the ball in later installations. in particular, it starts getting nervous about holding the audience's attention and throws stuff in that just wouldn't make it in a natural, organic script — most of the shit from the original series is contrived and ill-suited to the dramatic tenor set by Movie About Funny Man Collecting Magical Animals. (e.g. going back to hogwarts? leta lestrange's secret white father revengeplot triple-rugpull? human nagini?? secret undead dumbledore brother raised by american evangelicals???). i like the idea of it very much. i'm honestly drawn to it as a creative space, because unlike TCC, there is potential there. it's just badly abused.

#as soon as they involved grindlewald #it all became horrendous. there is no world in which the harry potter universe #of “goblin bankers” fame #is intellectually morally or technically equipped to deal with the conversation that ensues when you invoke the fucking holocaust

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mundanememorize · 15 days

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i’m going to gush about this book under the cut because it might be my favorite book ever

i’m not going to say bpd is perfectly correlated with the idea of a mirror or that everyone with bpd has an obsession with The Mirror or mirror imagery because i feel people would take that the wrong way and understand it as vanity but this book is not only a mirror to me but also perfectly explains this idea of The Mirror through her what she’s experienced and having little or no identity. The idea of forcing yourself to paint an image on a mirror instead of just wearing your clothes. i’m using more prose than review but this books has made so much easier for me to understand how much of my thought process is powered by my bpd, and usually this would be one of the most earth shattering things, because that idea that bpd has so much control over me makes me feel like a dissected bug something disgusting and vulnerable but this book says that exactly before i can even finish the thought. it repeats thoughts u had yesterday from a book written years before i had it. it presents every thought i’ve had or tried to push down right in front of me on a published page.

bpd for me makes it so hard to connect because of this imaginary game of social connection you start to make up in your head. you’re trying to play chess with checkers and you don’t even know how either game works. the author lisa johnson lays out exactly the web of her life and connections and her idea of tactics that play out seemingly without her executive decision. these things just happen because she wants them to so she acts on them. this is the only way something can happen when you’re thinking through the way bpd works. you’re forced down a cattle canal with a nail gun at the end. it’s a one track mind sent down a labyrinth of choices and you’re poorly equipped for strategy.

not only that but the dissection of the facade(s) that come with having bpd is also wonderfully done (and how could it not be when told by someone with bpd). so often are facades presented as two layers: something to lure and something to trap. something delicious that leads to torture. with this people think those with bpd only aim to do these things, that we are oriented around the goal of destruction and only get to know people to slowly close our jaw over them. i think then too many people with bpd add this idea and belief as another layer onto our made up game of charades and chess. if you know i have this then you won’t love me anymore, that’s when ill have to flare or fringe and quills. i’ll have to do this to show you you’re right and wrong, that im awful and scared. that i am a defense mechanism as a whole. the book starts with this presentation too, making the read feel as though you’re following and outsiders path in. it begins with repeating talk of celebrities and house fires and the fascinations with public meltdowns. the connection you have to public figures pushed to their limit and lashing out and arguing tabloids reports like that’s a person in itself. this follows up with an incredibly clinical chapter, and if we treat this book in itself as a person (as its later described as) it feels distinctly placed there to make up for the gossip of the last chapter. this continues on as we get deeper and more personal with the authors life and the back and forth becomes clear this is the every day change and adjustment with bpd.

i’ve never read a book that feels like i am just reading my own diary with different names, jobs, and places. she discusses how her art and writing seems to teeter on being a favorite person itself, how when you have no identity it’s not just “hard to maintain a relationship” it’s utterly impossible to understand what attraction is. how aversion to comfort is more plausible but wonders why nothing you choose is comfortable. how analytical you have to be with bpd, weighing pros and cons, which without explanation seems as cold and callous “strategy” to anyone without it (though it��s just so you make the “better decision” in the end). this book is catharsis for every article that focuses on the bpd’s loved ones pain rather than that affected by the disorder. for every time you ask “what about me?” through gritted teeth and green eyes this book shares that deep inside grinding pain saying “i know”. it’s such a wonderful book that i really genuinely do start to get light headed reading this.

it’s a hard read, not in terms of content or a sudden wave of self loathing, but because it starts to destroy the wall or hole many with bpd have surrounding loneliness. “there is no one like me” is destroyed when you read lisa johnson describe your life in fine detail in the exact code words you always use so no one will know what is actually going on inside. when you cuts in clippings from artists, psychological studies, and pop culture i see my art fold out in front of me too, trying to make this same exact message. when this feeling of utter god awful loneliness starts to be dismantled by her words you see piece by piece what yours is actually made up of, where it came from, and how to discard it. there are people like you, but we all are so utterly terrified of being turned inside out we don’t just build a barrier, we incase ourselves in resin to sit and wait and be chipped out. consider this book the hammer and chisel.

i recommend this book to absolutely anyone. if you have bpd you will find some solace in it in certain, i’ve found it in every page down to every paragraph. if you love someone or even know someone with bpd i really encourage you to read it. it’s not just a bullet point list of things that ppl with bpd do or feel like, it is drenched in what having it is like. the formatting and text is sporadic with lines that imitate self harm inflictions littering breaks between paragraphs at random. words get bolded and each word of sentences are broken up by periods. italics shrink to the bottom of the page and font changes mid paragraph when floundering to keep up an appearance. it’s an insightful book because reading it you experience these episodes along with them happening. it leads you on a simulation of how out of control thus disorder is and feels. if you’re struggling to understand your loved one or yourself this book lays it out down to having a readers guide with questions to answer in the back.

it’s been an incredibly beautiful experience to read through this and see oddities i thought were disgusting exist in another human being as it’s always easier to understand and be kind to another’s pain than your own. reaaaaaad it.

#sh mention #this is okay to rb btw #also i’m only halfway through i just feel really crazy

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not-poignant · 9 months

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10, 12, 16!

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Hmm.

Yes. A piece of writing has haunted me. Usually non-fiction books about the state of the environment re: climate change, they often stay with me for a long time.

Some fiction books infect me like a virus for a while, and I become really obsessed with them. They're not always the stories I write fanfiction for. I don't know if that's the same as being 'haunted' by something. To be haunted by something implies something that causes mental anguish or torment.

OH. Yes, actually, there was one m/m series that got published that was so much gratuitous torture porn and I kept hanging out for the comfort part of the increasingly insane levels of hurt, because hurt/comfort was one of its tags. It had like 20 installments (it's a published series) and it had no comfort, and a thrown together hasty ending that felt like slapping a bandaid on a person that had been exploded into pieces.

The process of reading that and getting NO good ending really, causes me some anguish to think about to this day. In that sense, I would say yes, I'm haunted by it. I'm not going to name the series if anyone asks, it was such a clear case of 'I'm being triggered and should have pulled out much earlier.' Though I am really mad that anyone dared to call that a hurt/comfort story lmao.

My own writing doesn't haunt me, thank god.

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

Hmmm, three writing wishes. Hmmmmmm.

I wish for my writing to find more of the readers who will love it and enjoy it, and that some of those readers will continue to have the kind of income that allows them to support a writer once a month via Patreon, so that I can hopefully keep symbiotically giving them the kind of writing they want

2. I wish I could do editing just by blinking at a story.

3. I wish I had the energy / ability to help other people publish their own stories for niche audiences in ways that they enjoy. One of the things I actually find kind of frustrating is that this job forces me to live on the absolute edges of my energy levels and that I've always wanted to be able to help others out with writing and I'm very limited in how I could do that. If I wasn't, I would've 100% published like a Fae Tales short story anthology by now, and art books, with royalties going to the authors and artists, for example. And like, when I die - which will come probably sooner than I want it to with all my illnesses - this is something I'd really like for other folks to be able to do. Is that weird? I wish that would be easy, I wish I could somehow use that as a launchpad into helping more authors beyond the ways I do it now (which is mostly just writing advice sometimes).

16. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever used as a bookmark?

...

Probably a used tissue. x.x

From the Weird Writing Asks meme!

#asks and answers #memey goodness #listening to Rezz right now #and enjoying her music so much #god she's so amazing y'all should check her out even if you hate the music sdalkfjasd #she's got the rizz #anyway - yeah I don't really think I'm haunted by any of my stories #I have some mixed feelings about some #but that's really not the same as being haunted by something #as for the wishes I feel like I could've wished for more #maybe I should've wished to be like...#a millionaire writer or something #honestly it's just that I want to be financially stable #I want to help others #I want editing to not be such a drag lmao #administrator Gwyn wants this in the queue

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moonjxsung · 2 months

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holy shit your new story has me in an utter chokehold because i just cried my eyes out like three times reading it I LOVE IT SO MUCH STAR I DONT KNOW HOW TO PUT IT INTO WORDS it's definitely one of my ABSOLUTE favorite pieces of your works now and as someone who loves classical music and occasionally studies music theory and such on my own free time, this piece definitely rooted in my heart. i ended up reading it halfway through then stopping for a break so i could text my friends that im sobbing my eyes out to mozart and then went right back to reading it, and i got texts afterwards ranging from "what the hell are you up to now" to "average day with you"

i listened to mozart's piano concerto no.12 while finishing the rest of the story, and i think the music just engulfed me a lot more into the piece itself and i really fell in love with it.

star, your writing really is a symphony in itself that resonates within my heart because every time i read your newly published work, it feels like im falling in love and meeting your blog for the first time all over again, and it continues to remind me of how grateful i am to have met and stumbled across someone like you.

thank you so much for continuing to write and inspiring me in ways i never thought i could be, and for always providing a safe space and a comforting new world within all your stories. i remember i wrote a pretty long feedback for begged and borrowed, but i just really can't put into words how much im in love with your writing. i said before, but ill continue to tell you about how your sense of words engulf me into a different reflection of myself in another universe and how many times i find myself going through a flurry of emotions from it.

pleaseplease dont stop writing because your talent for it is absolutely incredible, and if i could, i would read your works from the end of this world to the next one because i really truly do love them.

p.s. !! here's some random thing i cooked up while thinking of the whole brahms and clara thing (i wanted to imagine that if mozart and constanze had a letter, brahms would also have one dedicated to clara) "My dear love, my symphony in which resonates deep within my heart. A glass ornament in which I gaze upon that shines down upon the world- so imperfect yet the shards place and root themselves so deeply within my heart I will never be able to part my gaze from your beauty.

A passion burns within me whenever I am graced with your presence. My music and notes will never be able to hold my profound love for you, your everlasting beauty which goes to the moon and back, collecting and scattering stardust over my eyes, enchanting me into your witch's spell that I will never be able to break myself free from.

Oh my love, I hope that death not do us part, and though no soul will ever be able to remember the love I shared for you, you will be able to hold it in your heart as a precious memory from your youthful days. My lady, I would die for you, writing sheets upon sheets and scattered notes which will never truly be able to come close to describing your flawless glamour. You have my heart and soul, and the key to my career, and I hope you will not break it, wishing upon me lament and mournful sorrows, weeping over my very own grave. "

~luv, 《☘️》

I just read this feedback all the way through and then read it like seven more times because I’m so in love with it 😭 where do I even BEGIN…

First of all I laughed so hard at you texting your friends about it LMAOOOO that is tooooo relatable 🤸‍♀️ I revealed to my sister not long ago that I wrote skz fanfic and I’ll text her sometimes to be like wow this is intense I need a break. And I get the same versions of “average day with you” or “what the hell are you writing now” and I don’t even tell her what any of my fics are about so she’s just perpetually guessing 😭

I am so so so beyond elated to hear that you enjoyed reading 🩷🫶 also you’re not the first to say they consumed Mozart’s Sonata no. 12 while reading (highly recommend !!) and it just WARMS my heart to see that you guys pick apart the little details to enhance your reading experience! I try my best to incorporate little bits of media I grew up consuming or that highly resonate with me and it’s so refreshing to see you guys enjoy tiny bits of my life sprinkled into an alternate world I’ve created for you guys. What else can I say except for expressing how grateful I am for every single one of you 🥹 I don’t intend to stop writing any time soon and I’m so inspired to see what little world we can all travel to next in my upcoming work. I hope you enjoy it just as much 🩷

And lastly…. Your poem at the end!!! The inspiration from Mozart’s letters to conjure up your own??? I am in awe with your guys’ ability to move me with your feedback every single time 🥹 my favorite line: your everlasting beauty which goes to the moon and back, collecting and scattering stardust over my eyes” WOW. Are you sure you’re not just Mozart reincarnated and visiting this blog 👀

I LOVE YOU pookie, thank you a million times always and I’m so honored to be able to produce work for you. All my love, always ❤️🫶💕

#☘️ anon #ask

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hapalopus · 2 years

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Ever wondered where most pet shop rats come from? - Take a look inside a Rodent Farm

Written by Estelle Sandford & published in Pro-Rat-a 163

The following images were originally posted on the Fancy Rats forum by Carla who lives in the Netherlands, but it gives you an idea of what the inside of a rodent farm actually looks like and where the vast majority of rats you will find in pet shops and pet sections of garden centres start out their lives. Carla is studying animal science and as part of her studies was invited to visit a rodent farm and the owner was happy to allow pictures to be taken by Carla and was happy to answer any questions that were asked.

Although this particular rodent farm is in the Netherlands, similar set ups are used by rodent farms in many countries, including the UK. For pet shops/garden centres, sadly it makes sense for them to be able to source all their live and frozen ‘stock’ from the same place and many will not have knowledge or even care about what is really going on behind the closed doors as these animals are just profit to them. Quite often, staff in these shops will have no idea where their livestock comes from or are told to say ‘local breeder’ while management hides the source from them. Many of these rodent farms were originally set up to supply the growing herp market needing frozen rodents, but the pet market off the back of that was an easy one for them to step into, particularly as more and more chain stores and garden centres now sell small animals. (Great way to attract the impulse buyer and kids into your shop!)

When you look at the kind of numbers involved and the set up, it is clear that the animals cannot be handled much as babies and understandable why perhaps so many mistakes are made on sexing them before they send them to pet shops at 5 weeks old, but these places won’t care as their business is making more, so they often offer pet shops to do ‘sale or return’ and send them back to be frozen after the pet shop has continued feeding them up for an extra few weeks.

If you ever needed a reason not to buy your pets from pet shops, the below should give you some food for thought!

Carla wrote the below text and has given permission for her images and text to be reproduced for NFRS Pro-Rat-a and also my Ratz website.

“This man breeds mice, rats, hamsters, guinea pigs, rabbits, lemmings, degus and gerbils. He also had a few ornamental birds and a couple of owls. The rats are housed in pairs or in groups of three; lactating does are housed separately with their young. The does are constantly pregnant or lactating. When they are done breeding, they become snake food; the same goes for ill and old rats or those that cannot be sold (deformities, etc). The rats are fed rodent blocks and a few extras like bread, cat kibble and some vegetables. They are kept on hemp type bedding.

He breeds all kinds of rats: double rex, naked, rex, dumbo, but also top-eared, normal fur, etc. The rats are of various colours but he is most proud of his blues, who are prize winning. He showed a blue male that sat very quietly and contently in his arms; this rat was only handled once a week, during clean out, and even so it was sweet as pie. He particularly appreciated the character of blues, who he said were tamer (although I suspect this can be attributed to his 'lines' rather than the colour as a whole). For new varieties, blood and upkeep, he obtains some animals from Czech Republic, where prices are low but quality is poor; but he prefers rats from the UK, as that's where he could get the special colours and rats of good quality. The animals are sold mainly to pet shops.”

The Pictures

The hall. In front, in the white things are the guinea pigs; behind it are feeder mice and rabbits; in front on our right are mice, hamsters and gerbils; rats are in the back.

The Rat Housing

What can we do to reduce this trade?

If the above pictures have opened your eyes and made you really think that you would like to stop the rodent farm trade, the best possible thing we can do individually is to educate, educate, educate! Individuals can make a difference; they just have to spread the word.

Stop buying live animals from pet shops/garden centres yourself and also stop buying any products from any shop selling animals. Support the ones that sell no livestock instead.

Educate others in a calm, rational and non-judgemental way to follow your lead so as to hit the shops hardest in their profit margins!

Write to these pet shops and tell them why you are taking your trade elsewhere. There is no point in walking away and not letting these shops know why you will no longer shop there.

Write to your local MP and D.E.F.R.A - these places will exist as long as they are legal and people continue to support buying small animals from pet shops.

Promote and support genuine breeders and rescue centres by using them yourself and pointing others in the right direction and away from pet shops.

#animal welfare #vox poppy

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astromechs · 1 year

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2022 year in review

thank you for the tag @seek--rest

Number of stories posted to AO3:

2. Word count this year:

64,281 (this doesn't include things I didn't publish, and this doesn't include things I wrote in private rps with friends, so I have no idea what the actual word count is, that's just what AO3 told me from what I've posted lol, but I would imagine with all that put together it might be close to 100k)

3. Fandoms I wrote for:

taking the list from AO3 (in alphabetical order):

Captain America/Avengers (movies)

Daredevil (comics/TV)

Goncharov (1973)

Guardians of the Galaxy (comics/movies)

Jessica Jones (TV)

Moon Knight (TV)

Nova (comics)

Peacemaker (2022)

Scarlet Witch (comics)

She-Hulk (TV)

The Boys (TV/2019)

X-Men (comics)

4. Pairings:

ok so the list of all the pairings that got stuff posted to AO3:

Adrian Chase/Christopher Smith (Peacemaker)

Jean Grey/Wanda Maximoff (Marvel unless otherwise noted)

Gamora/Peter Quill

Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanoff

Gamora/Richard Rider

Matt Murdock/Marc Spector

Matt Murdock/Jennifer Walters

Matt Murdock/Peter Quill

Jessica Jones/Matt Murdock

Matt Murdock/Elektra Natchios

Queen Maeve/Starlight (Annie January) (The Boys)

Matt Murdock/Foggy Nelson

Matt Murdock/Richard Rider

Katya/Sofia (Goncharov lol)

Wanda Maximoff/Matt Murdock/Richard Rider

5. Stories with the most:

Kudos: this might be all i ever wanted (all i ever wanted to happen to me) — got right in at the She-Hulk finale hype so I think that helped to boost it

Bookmarks: same as above; people were really loving that one at the time it dropped!

Comment threads: whatever happens (happens to the both of us) — my first Peacemaker fic, and I think the timing of this hit when a lot of people were finishing up the show, but I'm really flattered and honored!

Word count: ghost behind my eyes

6. Work I'm most proud of (and why): I'm going to cheat and pick a few:

ghost behind my eyes — at 10,143 words, it remains my longest self-contained one shot, and I'm really proud of the character work I did here. Christopher Smith and his character development are really important to me, and here's to hoping that will continue in Peacemaker season 2!

standing at a broken altar (asking if we feel relief) — represented a whole new creative venture for me, featuring characters I (at least at the time) had never written into fic before, and I'm someone who's... honestly pretty lapsed, religion-wise, and writing this made me think about faith, how it's questioned, tested, and found again, in a way I haven't in a while. That's a theme I'd like to explore more in future writing — and I'm planning to do more of this through Matt.

almost paradise — the story that's been a long time coming for me. Gamora is literally one of my favorite characters of all time, and to say I... did not handle Infinity War well is putting it very, very mildly; that movie came out not that extremely long after a big personal loss in my real life, so losing a character that dear to me at that time was something I took really hard. This is the first time I've actually acknowledged her death in a piece of writing, and I'm proud of myself that I did.

7. Work I'm least proud of (and why): none of them? I don't usually post something unless I feel pretty good about it.

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

cannot express how much this comment made my year. yes, I do. when women.

9. A time when writing was really, really hard: Honestly, my biggest challenge surrounding writing is just... working around my own chronic illness (which involves episodic fatigue) and mental health struggles. For one of those reasons or both at the same time, there were periods of the year that made writing more difficult than others. I'm working on incorporating smaller, more manageable writing goals during those periods so that I can still keep working without exhausting myself.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: I wasn't expecting Matt Murdock Slut Era to extend for as long as it did, and yet here we are.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing: from almost paradise:

What he deserves, he thinks, is to be left here, alone with ghosts because that’s all he’s fit to provide company for — maybe until he becomes one himself. Because, yeah, if Ego had been telling the truth, for all his words had been worth, with the destruction of his planet, Peter can do that now. That might actually be better for everyone involved, because all he does, clearly, is pull people into a total shitstorm or get them killed. Sometimes both.

But people don’t ever really get what they deserve, do they? His mom, the kindest person the universe would probably ever know, hadn’t deserved to die from a tumor in her brain, put there by an evil man she’d chosen to give her huge heart to.

And he doesn’t deserve a hand reaching toward him, pulling him up from the floor.

12: How did you grow as a writer this year: My writing got a lot smuttier LMAO But it also just... reflected a "fuck it, we ball" type of attitude that I'd been slowly embracing. Inventing ships, writing whatever the fuck I want. I've grown a lot, and I feel really liberated.

13. How do you hope to grow next year: I hope to continue just... following my bliss. I've come a really long way in not caring as much about an invisible audience and just writing whatever I want, and I aim to keep doing that. I aim to keep believing in myself in that way and going the distance with my screwball ideas.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): Would like to thank the discographies of Massive Attack, CHVRCHES, and Taylor Swift for fueling my writing. Also anyone when I said "I'm gonna put these blorbos together" who said "do it".

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: I mentioned it before, but almost paradise was written during a depressive episode and I've joked it was me flinging out all my unresolved grief issues onto the page instead of going to therapy in December (using, you know, one beloved character of mine grieving another beloved character's death as a proxy), so. yes.

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: Don't write to cater to an audience; write to cater to yourself. If you love what you do, readers can see that love, and they'll believe in it, too. Readers are really good at telling what is and isn't genuine, so the best thing to do is just... be yourself.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: I have an existing WIP to finish, and a few more ideas in the can! Featuring: more Vigilmaker, more self-indulgent blorbo ships I invented (featuring either Matt Murdock or Rich Rider or both likely), and GOTG Vol 3 about to wreck my life, so of course I would imagine a good bulk of my writing this year will be related to it. This is all I'll say.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read:

(no obligation!) @paperprinc3 @literatigeek @sgtjamesrogers @mari--lace @quillsmora

#tag game #writing #* fic #fan fic

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whileiamdying · 11 months

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Jenifer Lewis Tears Up Remembering 'Icon' Tina Turner and Recalls 'Connection' with Her Family (Exclusive)

"I loved Tina Turner with all my soul and all my heart," said the actress, who played Turner's mother in 1993's 'What's Love Got to Do with It'

By Jack Irvin and Daniela Avila Published on May 25, 2023 06:30PM EDT

Love's got a lot to do with Jenifer Lewis' appreciation for the late Tina Turner.

After the legendary queen of rock 'n' roll died at age 83 on Wednesday following a long illness, Lewis spoke to PEOPLE about her memories of the 12-time Grammy winner and her experience playing her mother, Zelma Bullock, in the 1993 biopic What's Love Got to Do with It.

The I Love That for You star opened up about her reaction to Turner's death, telling PEOPLE, "I tried not to cry because I'm 66 and at some point, we all have to learn how to mourn and not fall apart. But I had to allow myself to cry, because she was one of the greatest entertainers that ever lived."

Lewis, 66, describes the "Proud Mary" performer as "one of the greatest to ever do it," noting that she studied her artistry from childhood and admired the way she was able to "stay up and sustain" a career in the entertainment business "out of the great love she had for it."

"I feel like a mother, a sister, a friend, a teacher has passed this plane, and I'm grateful to Tina for being who she was," she continues. "I got so much from her — my sass, my moves, everything."

When Lewis was performing in a national tour of the musical Eubie in the 1980s, she went to see one of Turner's concerts at a "four-star hotel" in Toronto — where she was invited backstage to meet the musician. "I bowed down, and she didn't say, 'Oh, honey, get up,' because she saw the sincerity," she recalls. "I was sitting in the front row, so it's not like she didn't see me worshiping her from the audience."

"I think I said something like, 'I want to be just like you,' and she said, 'I can see it in you," adds Lewis. "It was powerful to just have that moment in the dressing room with her."

While she didn't have the chance to meet Turner during the making of What's Love Got to Do with It, Lewis "serendipitously" had a run-in with Bullock and her older daughter Alline "in a vitamin store" after the film came out.

"I heard her say, 'Alline, which vitamins am I getting?' And I immediately recognized the voice. I looked around, and there she was," explains Lewis. "Tina looked just like her mother. The legs were there, the tight body — even at her age — and she had Tina's face."

She says she was "bold enough" to say hello. "I was scared because of how I had portrayed her in the movie. I said, 'Ms. Bullock?' and she turned around, saw my face. She hugged me first, and then she held my shoulders as she pulled me back," recalls the star. "These were the words she said to me, 'Oh, I wanted to be so dressed up when I met you.' That's the sweetest thing somebody can say to somebody."

Bullock then invited Lewis to her house, which sparked a deep bond between them. "Alline called me when [Zelma] passed away, and I sang at her funeral," she says. "I loved Tina Turner with all my soul and all my heart, and I'm glad we had her as long as we did."

Lewis also got the chance to watch Turner perform "Proud Mary" alongside Beyoncé at the 2008 Grammy Awards in Los Angeles. "I ran down front. I was sitting in the audience, and I just ran down the aisle to just get that close to Tina, to the power of those two women," she recalls.

"She was an icon," adds the Poetic Justice actress. "Tina never gave 100% — she gave 2000. That was one of the things she taught me, and as I'm going through looking for the perfect picture to post on Instagram, it hits me more and more that we lost a great one. But she will never be lost. She is in the pit of everybody's soul that ever saw her or met her."

Working on What's Love Got to Do with It was also especially impactful for Lewis, as it was her first time playing a mother. "Now, I'm the Mother of Black Hollywood, but when they called, I was like, 'Tina Turner's mother?' Because I'm only two years older than Angela [Bassett]," she says. "Of course, they assured me of how young Tina's mother was when she had her."

"I think that was one of my best performances, doing Zelma Bullock. She was from St. Louis, and I'm from St. Louis, and I based that character on my mother and her nine sisters, all from St. Louis," continues Lewis. "It was easy for me to capture the character of Zelma Bullock, because I knew those women very well — pretty much trapped between a rock and a hard place, trying to raise children, coming from that abuse and having to run."

She explains that "so much of what I loved about Tina" was the way she "showed us how to have the courage to walk away, continue to be our true selves and rise above the bulls---."

#Tina Turner #People #People Magazine

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