#no bc it's incredible bc since I feel so shit I can't sleep I don't drink much because THE FUCKING TASTE OF THE WATER KS BAD (???)
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sont hold me accountable for a thing because if the meds my mom is bringing don't work I might actually start going crazy
#this is the beginning of a nosleep reddit post#no bc it's incredible bc since I feel so shit I can't sleep I don't drink much because THE FUCKING TASTE OF THE WATER KS BAD (???)#and food is growing increasingly unpleasant to think of#there is one thing I want to eat and it's better whne my mom makes it so I'm jsut#dying. on my oxucj
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i was feeling shiratorizawa + semiten and kawashira hcs so y'all know the drill LET'S GO
goshiki has 100% forgotten that he sleeps in a bottom bunk bed and consequently has shot up awake at the sound of his alarm only to bang his head on the underside of the top bunk bed
or the ceiling if he has the top bunk it's the same either way
also for some random reason i really enjoy thinking about semi and peach green tea. idk he feels like such a peach green tea person
fun fact when i first got into hq i made a list in my notes app where i could keep track of what i thought EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER (organized by team) would order at a boba shop/cafe so i could reference it for fics. i just looked at it for the first time in years. i apparently put down strawberry black tea for semi which still remains a pretty good choice i think
you know what. semi can be a strawberry black tea AND a peach green tea person. he goes for peach green tea when he feels like straying from his usual strawberry black tea. there i fixed the problem we're back on track
tendou uses the excuse of going on boba runs for the team to get alone time with semi. he'll be like "haha i can't get ALL the drinks by myself!! eita come with me :3" and semi just sighs but is honestly secretly really pleased that tendou would choose him out of everyone to run errands with
the greatest love language of all: running errands together
i actually think that, all things considered, semi was probably a little bit insecure and a little bit shy when it came to performing
like yeah he doesn't mind BEING in the spotlight. but he had to work on thinking he was good enough for it at first if that makes sense??? and i think being benched for shirabu probably exacerbates that
he's not used to showing other people his songs and his music!!! he's not used to being vulnerable!! he's not used to believing that he's skilled!!! because obviously that didn't work out in volleyball!! what if semi isn't actually as good at music as he thought himself to be?
tendou of course is determined to make him throw all these thoughts out the window
furudate please give us the secret cultural festival arc where semi gets a chance to shine because of his musical talents . . .
actually since shiratorizawa is a bunch of rich kids i wonder if yamagata has a smartphone bc i just think that'd make him constantly losing it 100x funnier
yamagata: "can everyone shut the fuck up for like five minutes i lost my phone and need help listening for the vibrations"
honestly why do i feel like half the times yamagata has "lost" his phone was really just tendou messing with him
like he's in the foreground running around looking for it while tendou is in the background snapping selfies with it or whatever
reon, ushijima, and yamagata like to go jogging together early in the morning. semi tried it once and then promptly decided never again
i actually think soft quiet early mornings are reon's favorite time of day!! he gets some peace to himself and he gets to see the sunrise bleed into the sky and he gets that crisp sweet air of fresh dew in the dawn and it's so so comforting to him
god i don't know how he does it i could never be that much of a morning person
however this does also mean reon goes to bed at like nine pm at the latest which tendou is personally offended by
reon the early bird riser who probably does yoga or some shit before meeting ushijima and yamagata vs tendou the night owl who stays up til three reading manga in the dark
genuinely how is tendou functioning at practice he probably stays up til three like four out of seven days of the week
(sorry i know i'm dunking on tendou a lot i'll stop now)
kawanishi will never admit it but he is so incredibly fond of the height difference between him and shirabu
it allows shirabu to fit his head perfectly in the crook of kawanishi's neck during bus rides and such and it makes kawanishi's heart flutter every time
but also kawanishi is MISERABLE during spring because shirabu can't comfortably do that when kawanishi is prone to sneezing like every five minutes
shirabu, teacher's pet that he is, is really good friends with the school librarian
oh my god . . . kawashira blue sky complex au . . . i would actually cry . . .
okay anyways shirabu kenjirou is really good friends with the school librarian and that's how he finds out that the school librarian used to know ushijima's dad
wouldn't that be crazy tho????? i'm thinking it was either the same librarian that utsui had or it was a close friend of utsui's who became the school librarian after they graduated and stuff. i'm kind of leaning towards the second one bc i feel like that makes more sense
i just. can you imagine how alone ushijima had to feel. can you imagine how suffocating it had to be. like there's plenty of reason to assume that his mom's side (and perhaps the mom herself) ended up disliking utsui and i wouldn't be surprised if they tried to scrub him out of ushijima's life
new idea guys utsui comes back and gets with the shiratorizawa librarian
i'm KIDDING
(mostly)
honestly i just think this scenario would really show off how much shirabu and ushijima mean to each other because i think that gets underestimated a lot
they trust each other!!! they respect each other!!!! they understand each other!!! ushijima who knows that he is to be used for his pure raw strength and that that's all shirabu wants to do for him and shirabu who wants to bring out the best in ushijima and thinks of himself as someone who serves ushijima!!!!! shirabu and ushijima who both think they're being used by the other but they don't care because that works best for them!!!! it's their way of showing respect!!! by handing the reigns over!!!!
okay that's a really serious oversimplification of what i'm actually thinking but i got like five hours of sleep and i'm running on two mugs of some strong ass lotus green tea i trust you guys y'all get what i mean
like idk i think ushijima wouldn't really know what to do with shirabu when they first meet in their second and first years. quiet upperclassman who is occasionally a jerk but mostly does not mean to be and his equally quiet underclassman who IS a jerk and DOES mean to be. they'd be so fucking funny together. they back each other up in ways they don't even realize. they could leave entire crowds in tears on accident
actually . . . the poor third years back then who had to deal with this first year they thought was quiet and composed and unassuming and totally chill. but was, in fact, completely unchill
shirabu's gone to bat for every single member of the team at some point btw. soekawa ushijima reon yamagata semi tendou etc etc. none of them have ever witnessed it though word just gets passed around to them like shirabu is some honor-defending ninja who only works in the shadows
and then it really surprises shirabu when they come to bat for HIM
i mean i just. i think shirabu is really used to being independent. is used to doing things by himself. he's not used to other people sticking up for him or other people trying to guide him (which could be another reason why he clashes with semi). it's not that he thinks he's perfect but like. he's never had people who wanted to do that for him before!!
but now he's got goshiki who WANTS compliments from him and he's got kawanishi who loves him for whatever reason and he's got the upperclassmen who ruffle his hair and swing an arm around his shoulders and tell him ot text when he needs help and he's just like ???? like a system error.
give it up for shirabu kenjirou everyone i love him
#MAN it has been a long time#uhhh sorry i think this one may seem a bit all over the place LMFAO#but yeah i really love shirabu :333#ushijima wakatoshi#tendou satori#yamagata hayato#semi eita#oohira reon#kawanishi taichi#shirabu kenjirou#goshiki tsutomu#semiten#kawashira#haikyuu#haikyuu!!#haikyuu hcs#sou says stuff
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if you're still accepting requests, what about t4t lesbian steddie? them having their First Ever Girls' Night together, maybe they're not even dating yet bc they don't want to risk the friendship with like. the one other person in The Whole World (small town indiana) who gets them. much pining and trans joy ensues.
-stevieharringtonwifeguy (it's a sideblog so i can't send an ask from there, but if you do end up doing something with this please tag me, not sure how anonymous asks work with notifications)
AHHH THIS ONE MADE ME NERVOUS. For one, and I know it makes no fucking sense because I have never lived the experience of a gay man, but I have never lived the experience of a trans person and for some reason my brain was like, you don't get to write this experience. But then I said, these are fictional characters, that you write even more fictional things about, and what the hell is the harm in trying to write an authentic small town t4t lesbian experience for these two. So @stevieharringtonwifeguy I really hope I did this justice, and that the wait was worth it. I also admit part of the reason I've been so incredibly nervous was that I haven't read more than a handful of ficlets with t4t Steddie, but after this I would LOVE some recommendations for more. Thank you so much for sending this! - Mickala ❤���
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“Oh. Okay. Well, that’s okay. Em and I can still have fun,” Stevie said, voice only slightly shaky despite her sudden nerves.
“Sorry, I swear if I didn’t have a fever, I’d still be there,” Robin said over the phone.
“Feel better, Robs.”
Stevie hung up with her best friend, letting out a sigh and leaning her head against the table.
“Everything okay, Stevie?” Em asked from the doorway.
It was supposed to be girls night, Em’s first with Robin and Stevie, and now Robin was stuck in bed with the flu.
Not a great start.
Stevie and Em had spent hardly any time alone since Robin first introduced them. It wasn’t for any particular reason, it’s just that Stevie was really cautious about who she got close to, and it seemed Em was the same way.
But now they were having an entire night alone. Together. Alone.
Did she say alone yet? No one else would be there.
This was only a big deal because she had the biggest, most ridiculous crush on Em.
How could she not? She was fucking beautiful, and fun, and kind, and entertaining, and perfect.
It may be more than a crush.
But Em wasn’t into women, or at least that's what Robin said.
That she’d asked her out once after band practice senior year and Em said that she didn’t date girls.
So Stevie had to let it go the best she could and just try to welcome her to the group.
“It’s okay. Robin’s sick. Can’t come,” Stevie said against her arm.
“Oh. Do you want me to go?”
“What?” Stevie sat up, eyes wide and sad.
“You just seemed like you might not wanna do it anymore without her?”
“No! That’s not it. I’m just a little bummed, but we can still have fun,” Stevie tried changing her tone so it was full of more excitement.
“Oh. Good,” Em smiled at her shyly.
Em wasn’t usually very shy around Robin. Others, sure, but never when Robin was around.
Their plans tonight were pretty simple: paint nails, watch movies, eat candy, sleep.
But Robin was supposed to be bringing the candy, so Stevie was gonna have to improvise a bit.
She stood up from the table and walked to her cabinets, her mostly empty cabinets, and started rummaging through. There had to be some kind of decent snacks.
“I could run to the store and grab something?” Em offered as she watched Stevie push things around in her cabinets, clearly struggling to find a decent snack.
“We could make an actual dinner? I have spaghetti,” Stevie hesitantly suggested.
Em smiled and nodded.
“I love spaghetti.”
Stevie smiled and pulled out a pot to fill with water. She set it on the stove to boil and then searched for the jar of sauce she knew was in the cabinet by the fridge.
“Shit. Where is it?”
“I can help,” Em said, coming up behind Stevie and placing her hand on her back.
Stevie tried to cover the shiver that ran down her back, but couldn’t quite manage it.
“Are you cold?” Em asked, concern in her voice and on her face.
“No! I’m okay. I’ll get some of the other stuff I need if you wanna look for the sauce. It’s uh, red?”
Em smirked.
“I’ll do my best.”
They continued on their separate tasks, until Em finally let out a loud “ah-ha!” and held up the jar of sauce.
She brought it over to Stevie, proud smile lighting up her face.
She was so beautiful, Stevie let herself bask in it for a moment. She couldn’t help it with the way Em just glowed.
Em cleared her throat, giving Stevie a nervous smile.
“Okay?” She asked.
“Oh! Yes. Thank you for finding this,” Stevie rushed to say, grabbing the jar from her and turning back to the pot she’d grabbed to heat the sauce and add her secret ingredients.
She could feel Em watching her, and instead of making her nervous like it should, it made her want to show off.
Stevie was a great cook, though she never did it unless it was for the kids she babysits or Robin.
“Do you want any help? I don’t wanna get in the way,” Em said, her face slightly pink.
Stevie didn’t need help, she could handle it easily, but having Em help her cook sounded like the kind of domestic fantasy she’d been picturing for almost a year now.
“Sure. You wanna add the pasta to the water first and then I’ll have you stir the sauce for a second?”
Em quickly followed her instructions as Stevie measured out some honey, brown sugar, and cayenne pepper to add to the sauce.
“Can I ask you something kind of…well, really personal? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Em said nervously.
“Sure,” Stevie responded with a comforting smile.
She was used to personal questions from the kids. They meant well, and they were just curious, but sometimes they asked the wildest shit.
“How did you pick your name?”
Stevie didn’t expect that one. Not because she’d never been asked about it before, but because her name was so close to her birth name, most people just assumed she didn’t put much thought into it.
“I actually picked it because of a boy I spent most of my time with at summer camp when I was little. We were inseparable there, did everything together. I told him that sometimes I didn’t really feel like a boy, and that I knew I liked girls, but didn’t know why I wanted to be one sometimes. He started calling me Stevie and it just stuck. He was my best friend there for years until he just stopped coming. The next summer I ended up starting my transition and it just made sense to go by Stevie.”
Em was quiet. She stirred the ingredients into the sauce as Stevie spoke, not commenting when she was done.
“I don’t know what happened to him. Nobody at the camp knew.”
Em turned to Stevie with a frown.
“Nobody knew because Wayne made sure it was a secret. Even told the school that I was his niece he never knew about and his nephew had moved back home.”
Stevie’s brows furrowed in confusion.
“Wayne was Eddie’s uncle…”
“Yeah…”
Em and Stevie stared at each other, until it dawned on Stevie what she was saying.
“Oh my god. It was you.”
The realization made Stevie let out a sob.
“I cried for a week straight the summer you didn’t show. They almost sent me home,” Stevie said, resisting the urge to throw herself at Em. She’d missed their friendship for years. “The counselor in my cabin tried calling Wayne even to find out where you were.”
Em’s eyes glistened with unshed tears.
“I’m sorry. I knew how to contact you, but I got scared. I didn’t want you to think I was doing anything to like, compete with you? I dunno. It’s stupid now. No one, especially not you, would think that,” Em rambled.
Stevie put down the dishes she was pulling from the cabinet and turned to Em.
“When I told my parents I was a lesbian, they asked about ‘that boy from camp’ and asked why I had to be trans and gay, like either of those things are a choice. I’m trying to imagine what the hell they would say about ‘that girl from camp.’”
“Well, she didn’t know she was a girl yet at camp. Not really.”
“But she was, whether she knew it or not.”
They were staring at each other, blush on both their cheeks.
“You wanna go pick a movie?” Stevie finally asked, trying to get a second of space so she could process everything.
“Sure.”
The moment Em left the kitchen, Stevie let out a shaky breath.
Everything made sense. The way she was drawn to Em so quickly, the way that even with her shyness, they got along so well. The way her wide eyes seemed familiar, but she couldn’t quite place them now that she wore mascara and eyeliner.
Stevie had loved Em before she was Em, it only made sense she loved her now.
She could hear Em turning on Netflix, the volume of the tv just loud enough to hear the opening notes on the welcome screen.
She drained the pasta, and placed some on the plates she’d just gotten down. She added a couple scoops of the sauce on top and sprinkled some Parmesan cheese over it all.
She brought the plates to the living room and smiled when she saw Em getting comfortable on the sofa.
“Your dinner, your majesty,” Stevie said dramatically, handing over the plate.
“Why thank you, chef,” Em replied just as dramatically.
Stevie sat down on the couch next to her, mixing the sauce around on the plate to evenly coat the noodles.
“I’m glad you got to be who you always felt like you were, Stevie,” Em said quietly. “I’m sorry I disappeared.”
“Hey, it’s okay. I get it. I’m glad you get to be Em now.”
“Yeah, me too.”
They smiled at each other fondly, then turned back to the movie and ate their dinner in silence.
It was 13 Going On 30, which had been one of Stevie’s favorites on movie night at camp.
Em remembered.
But Stevie couldn’t possibly say anything about it, it would give her feelings away in a second.
When they were both done eating, Em took the dishes to the kitchen to wash them and Stevie went to the bathroom to grab her nail polish collection.
But the mood had shifted a bit when they both made it back to the couch.
“I’m pretty tired,” Em sighed, curling up against the pillow on the end of the couch.
“I could paint your nails for you if you want? You can rest,” Stevie offered.
It may have been slightly selfish to offer at this point, but she would take what she could get.
Em gave her a soft smile and nodded.
“What color?” Stevie asked as she held out the basket.
“Surprise me. I trust you,” Em said as her eyes closed and she moved her hands out so Stevie had access to her nails.
“Oh. Okay.”
Stevie watched her for a moment, the way she relaxed into the couch, completely trusting Stevie to pick a color, paint her nails, and let her sleep.
Stevie found a dark red, nearly maroon, that she’d only used once and decided she didn’t like it with her skin tone, but knew it would work for Em.
She got started, focusing intently on making sure she didn’t get any on her skin, and going through two coats and a clear coat to make sure it stays fresh for at least a few days.
She leaned over to start gently blowing on them so they would dry faster.
When she looked up, Em’s eyes were open and she was giving her a sleepy smile.
“Thanks, Stevie,” Em whispered.
“Like the color?”
“Mhm. ‘S pretty, like you,” Em said before closing her eyes again.
What.
“What?”
Stevie couldn’t pull away or look away or stop her thoughts from racing.
Em didn’t date girls, that’s what she’d told Robin.
Then again, that was two years ago, when they were still in high school.
And maybe she’d said it to protect herself.
Hawkins wasn’t exactly a queer friendly space, that’s why Stevie had to be extremely careful during her transition, and why Em and Wayne had probably just straight up lied about hers.
But still.
Stevie gently placed Em’s hands down against the couch, hoping she wouldn’t move too much since they were still slightly wet.
She got up and ran to her room, furiously texting Robin.
Robin wasn’t answering but that didn’t stop her from sending a million texts.
She was damn close to a panic attack when she heard shuffling in the hall.
“Stevie? You awake?” Em asked outside her door.
“Uh, yeah. Come in!”
No! Stupid! You’re having a fucking crisis, don’t tell her to come in!
But she was in the room already, tired but concerned when she saw the way Stevie was rocking back and forth on her bed.
“What’s wrong?” Em asked as she sat down on the edge of the bed.
“Nothing. Just kind of tired.”
“You look strung out.”
“I’m fine.”
“Stevie-“ Em cut herself off with a shake of her head. “I’m sorry you found out like this. I should’ve told you earlier.”
“No, I get it. It’s okay. It’s not up to anyone but you who to tell and when, ya know? It’s your story, you’re the author, if you don’t wanna write it for others, then don’t.”
Em was smirking.
“That is word for word what Robin told me when I came out to her.”
Shit. Yeah, she’d given her that speech, too.
“You know, she asked me on a date once,” Em continued, scooting closer to Stevie in bed.
“I know.”
“I turned her down.”
“Yeah. You said you didn’t date girls.”
“That’s not what I said.”
Stevie watched as Em reached a hand out to cover Stevie’s knee.
“I said that I didn’t date girls who I couldn’t completely relate to,” Em said with a small smile. “You know what I mean?”
Stevie felt her body relax.
Em only dated trans women. It made sense.
“So like…”
“Stevie, I’ve been so fucking in love with you for so long, I don’t even think any other woman would have a chance in hell.”
Oh.
Okay.
“Can I kiss you?” Stevie managed to ask, despite her nerves and shock at the turn of events.
“Thought you’d never ask, sweetheart.”
When Stevie leaned in to kiss her, she knew this was one of those life altering moments, one of those events that happens and your entire life plan course corrects to completely revolve around this person, this thing happening.
When their lips met, Stevie knew she’d waited for this.
That anyone else she’d managed to kiss over the years couldn’t even be put on the same list as Em. That no matter what happened with them long term, she would never love anyone quite like she loved Em.
And with the way Em smiled into the kiss that neither of them wanted to pull away from, she seemed to think the same.
#steddie#steve harrington#eddie munson#stranger things#t4t steddie#they're lesbians your honor#ficlet#requests
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Meian/Toshi/Nanami who know you have an oral fixation. Who let you just suck on the tip of their cock whenever you want because it makes their baby happy 💙
MM-MM! NOT ME WITH MY ORAL FIXATION!! NOPE! NO NO NO NO NO
Sapphire's been paying attention, they threw three of my absolute favorite men in there and went "HEUHEUHEHUEHE"
OKAY.... fuck me, dude... where do i start... (unedited bc this was a lot of clickity clackity typity typity)
tw: consensual semi somno in wakatoshi's.
Meian and Wakatoshi and Nanami. Daddy? No. Sorry, Daddies? No. Sorry. Daddies??
... I'm sorry everybody.
So I'm a little chaotic tiny adhd goblin girl and so I really need somebody to like... already have their life in order so I can kind of follow their lead. Which probably explains why I love these three men so much bc they have their shit together.....
I'm probably going to regret typing this sentence, but oh well. Sometime they like to tease you and they call their cock your "emotional support cock" and you're like "ummm sORRY WHAT??" and they're like "you heard me" (eSPECIALLY meian)
Hmmmm... let's see.
Meian strikes me as the type that would let you do it whenever you wanted to. Sometimes you're cuddling in bed watching a movie but the movie's boring as hell but Meian is into it, and so you end up laying your head down on his stomach and kind of playing with his sweatpants until your hands slip inside. and he's running his hands through your hair and he's like "baby, you need to watch the movie..." and you're whining you're like "but it's boring!!"
and he's laughing but he's still helping you take his sweatpants off. he's got an incredible amount of patience and he's very invested in the movie, so his cock is in your mouth like the entire rest of the movie and you're trying to get him to have any sort of reaction, but he's not really giving you anything besides the occasional moan or groan.
when the movie's over, he ends up slapping your face with his now wet, velvety thick cock and telling you how bad you were for not paying attention and he tells you that you don't deserve his cum
and so you have to watch him jack off right next to your face and you gotta watch his cum all thick and white and creamy cascade down his cock when he comes and you can't have any (should have paid attention to the movie, baby)
Wakatoshi is kind of the same way, he'll let you suck on his cock whenever you want to, and sometimes it happens when he's sleeping. in your defense, he just looked really handsome with his broad back steadily moving up and down as he deeply slept with his back turned to you, scratches on his back from the intense sex you two had earlier that night. you traced your fingers over the scratches and felt a little bit bad, because while he's StRONK, sometimes his body aches just a little bit the following day at practice bc of all the marks you made on him.
and so you kind of get closer to him and very awkwardly big spoon him since he's a Big Boy, and you're cuddling him and he wakes up because your hand is drifting down to his cock.
and he sort of wakes up a little bit, and you can hear him smiling as he says "you didn't get enough earlier, kitten?"
man's shocked you're not dead asleep, he made you come four times earlier :( but you're just kissing his back and kissing all over the scratches... and he shifts his body so he's on his back now and he lovingly caresses your own back as you get deeper under the comforter and start to suck on his cock because now you just want his fucking cock in your mouth, your oral fixation is a bitch at times fdhsjfhaskl.
and he's got his eyes closed and he's smiling and moaning as you keep sucking on his cock and he moves the comforter off of you because you're complaining about how you're too hot now. man keeps drifting in and out of sleep a little because you wore him OUT earlier, but when he isn't sleeping, he's gently fingering you because he likes the way it feels when you hum around his cock
Nanami is a brat tamer. a FUCKING BRAT TAMER (i've got a whole fic about this, one day i'll finish it), and you don't get to suck on his cock unless you've actually behaved yourself.
He uses your oral fixation as a way to get you to behave. He purposely towel dries off right in front of you in the open bathroom doorway, taking extra time around his waist and you can't even form sentences because you're too busy staring at him drying off. you were telling him what you had done that morning (none of it was stuff you were actually supposed to do), so he's a little disappointed because he's got things in place in order for you to properly take care of yourself and be the best version of yourself that you want to be. so sometimes when you don't do these things, he's a little disappointed bc holy fucking shit, how did you even survive on your own? you animal, you just ate cheez-its for dinner and called it a day? (animal is me, im animal, i love cheez-its)
and you're sitting on the edge of the bed and he hangs up his towel after he's dried off - his blonde hair is still wet but it's slicked back and there's some strands falling down framing his face, and your whole body is humming with need because he looks SO fucking good all the time but when he comes out of the shower, he looks soooooo goddamn good.
and he knows sometimes you basically pounce on him as soon as he's out of the shower.
so he comes over to you, completely naked, his cock out and you keep staring at it and only it, and when he stands in front of you, he has to LITERALLY put his hand under your chin and tilt your head up to get you to look up at him because you're STILL staring at his cock.
and he's been listening to you the whole time you've been telling him about your morning, but your voice has been trailing off ever since he's been standing there in the bathroom doorway.
and he raises his eyebrows at you, and very calmly, he goes "so you didn't do anything you were supposed to do, is that what you're saying?"
and you blink up at him, you're like ".... no, i didn't."
and baby, your mouth is literally salivating because his thick cock is RIGHT THERE literally INCHES from you.
and his hand drops from your chin and he sighs and he's like
"a shame. you only get rewards if you were good."
and then he goes over to his dresser and starts pulling his clothes out to start getting ready for the day. (baby, you shouldve just did what he asked you to do, then you could've had your reward :( )
#answered: loisuke#fhdajfhlasdjkf thank you sapphire bb this was very fun to write#meian smut#ushijima smut#nanami smut#writing warmups#also do people want me to tag their thirsts they send me??#it makes me feel kind of weird to tag them because like yall basically come up with the ideas its just me rambling about them#anyways if you're fine with them showing up in tags please let me know!#or if you would be uncomfortable with that i guess let me know that instead so it can just stay on the blog :)
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Just a random thought that popped into my head about Elta & Jensen..... I don't think she was as insecure about herself back when she started dating Jensen as she is now. I think after she and Jensen started dating, she realized just how much women fangirled over and wanted Jensen and since he spent 9 months out of the year in Vancouver filming SPN, ALONE (most of the time), she started getting incredibly insecure and petty, especially since we all know there's no way Jensen wasn't sleeping his way thru Vancouver, and that's when the plastic surgery began. She figured if she could look like his "ideal" or "dream" woman, that she could keep him from looking elsewhere (i mean, why else would she write shit like "he's mine, bitches" on a pic of Jensen for a fan?) Too bad she hasnt realized that LOOKS DONT KEEP A MAN.
I'm guessing she realized that Jensen was going to do whatever he wanted so she decided to do the same, i.e Steeb. But at this point, she keeps up with the plastic surgery bc once u start, u can't stop. Jensen, unfortunately, isn't going to leave her. She knows that if he was going to, he would've done so already. I think he's "settled" on the idea of staying with her bc if he hasn't left her after everything she's done and how she's treated him, then there's nothing that will make him leave her. It's why I don't follow him on Twitter or IG anymore. I'm sick of seeing her ugly mug all over my timelines.
I'm serious starting to wonder about his mental wellbeing. He keeps pushing her as if she had talent or any redeeming quality. She does not. She is a talentless, classless bimbo with no soul so the fact that he endorses her is deeply creepy to me and, like you, I stopped following him because of her. A very long time ago. The saddest part is it's not just him posting about her but how pathetically, fakely he does it. Like he is not capable of real love, authenticity and responsibility. I'm more disappointed in the superficial man he comes off as when he makes posts about her and I end up feeling sad for her. I know she made her own bed but...he's a shitty husband. Sorry not sorry. I would divorce him with the speed of light and never look back. This is just my preference and opinion, of course, but though Jensen looks like my dream prince charming, he appears to be made of cardboard on the inside. Wrapping is beautiful but it fades, what stays is the soul and a soul that cannot be authentic or love cannot connect to someone elsel, not truly. This is one of those days where I wish he would just fall suddenly in real love with someone else and start living. Because right now he is just existing, arrogantly but sadly.
As for looking like his dream woman, Danneel is fooling herself. You cannot change yourself to meet that for anyone because it's something that comes from them. From their soul and their core desires. She's trying to fabricate herself into something she will never truly be, if she really loved Jensen she would let him go. Because he clearly does have an ideal and he should be living it. I hope he finds whoever or whatever circumstance/experience he is looking for in life.
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howdy hey
i don't know if the pep talk asks are still open but
im so sleepy and tired and i have too much work
and also my body is in pain like all the time (rip)
and i can't really find the energy to get out of bed and stuff but i do it regardless bc yk. the horrors persist and so do we /ref
Dude blanket statement, I am always open to give a pep talk. Always always. I spend pretty much all of my time writing and being stuck in my head, so actually being able to offer support to someone else though my word-shapes is incredibly validating and a great way to stop pissing myself for like ten minutes.
So yeah, chronic pain. Disabilities. i get it. I'm also disabled, although less physically and more mentally. Still, I have my days where I'm stuck in bed all day. Can't even bring myself to eat, which only makes me more upset.
Here's the thing, though - and let me put this in a way that's entirely too complex but feels right in my head and heart. Everyone is a body of water, and to make it through the day your inner self has to swim from one end of you to the other from the time you wake up till the time you go to sleep. For some healthy, neurotypical, able-bodied people, this isn't usually too hard. It's not always easy, but I believe their bodies of water are typically more still and shallow. Probably far more narrow, too - a river more than a pool.
Others have a wave pool. The kind children fill with urine and used Bandaids. Or maybe it's an ocean that doesn't have a start or end that you can see around you. You take someone treading water there and say just swim to the end, it's easy, and of course they'll be tired. Tired even at the thought of it.
What I mean to say is that people like us can't exist under the circumstances we imagine other people who have never dealt with severe medical/mental health issues have. They're playing Baulder's Gate 3 to cheer up after a stressful workday and we're out there dodging actual magic missiles from bullshit piss wizards while wondering what to eat for dinner. Neither option is better or worse or more important or less meaningful. It's just different shit.
That being said, it could help to stand. Just enjoy a little bit of movement, quietly, only for the sake of the inner you bobbing in the ocean. Basic stretches can be very soothing to get the blood moving. Maybe open a window and feel the air. Maybe get a nice drinky-drink. People say wash your face but sometimes that's hard, so what I like to do is wet a washcloth and just gently rub it over my cheeks and forehead. That's especially nice in warmer weather to cool off.
After you do all that things might feel different. You'll probably feel more awake, and suddenly the next small task won't seem as terrible. Or you'll know you still need rest, and you can just grab a nice snack since you're already up on your feet and keep on resting without pity or shame.
An apple in the fridge works. That's one of my personal favorites.
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Life Update: Idk where else to write down my thoughts and experiences for almost the past year.
To get myself caught up with the last post I made from last year, it was my final year in HS and I never wanted to leave that rancid hél/hø\e so damn bad. I finally graduated and got into college. This freshman year is the absolute worst. On top of that, I couldn't get a dorm room, which is expected according to the hierarchy of classmen. But anyway, this year's schedule has been extraordinarily harmful to my physical and mentally. Since I don't have a dorm, I gotta commute to my classes every single day. In my case, I must drive all the way from the south to the city (1hr 30min on avg.) This is not a bad drive, unless u wanna beat the I-75/I-85 9 - 5 traffic. Which ALSO MEANS I gotta wake up at 4:00 am and leave the house by 5 if I want to arrive in time for my 8 and 10 am classes. Additionally, my last class during Mon,Weds, and Fri ends at 5pm. I don't get home till about 7. AND on top of all that, Tue and Thurs is when I work my part time shift. The latest my shift can end is at 7:30pm and it takes me at least 30 mins to get home. If I want to get the most sleep possible, I gotta be in bed by 9. My sleep schedule bc of this is incredibly fùçk3d up. Luckily, me and my friend made a little room for me to sleep in my car. Which is also another problem. Bc Im too damn sleep deprived, I oversleep multiple times and end up missing classes. Classes where I can't easily get a PowerPoint w/readily available info to write. I feel incredibly behind.
My mental and physical health has gotten progressively worse since I moved outta my mom's house. I really don't wanna get into grave detail abt my family, but TLDR; both parents are complexly problematic, but one's more flexible than the other. But, Jesus Christ Almighty, living with this man is insufferable. Nothing but complaining, guiltripping, nonchalant shaming, and being plain irritating. He brings a wave of negative energy anytime he enters a room. Granted, there are things that he complains about that are justified, but he's getting more and more senile everyday. So he just gets mad at anything now. It pisses me off but also makes me sad. Another thing is that work is overexerting my well-being whilst giving me such a low pay. For context, I work in a warehouse now. Lifting boxes every other day that are half the size of you will give you nausea. My feet have blisters and my hands are cramping. My calves burn, my entire arm is aching, and my head pounds harder than ever. My friend suggests that I might have burn out, and I believe it with every bone in my body. Working at a place that accepts newly hs grads, ofc there would be å$5h0lés my age and worse. The smell has gotten worse since I moved in w dad. He essentially lives in a white trash neighborhood, so the smell outside is horrendous. This smell has affected the inside of my house and now I reek. And the ppl at work love to remind me abt my smelly ass despite trying my hardest to mask it. I seriously cannot stand other day in there and hopefully I can get a new job this upcoming summer.
But apart from all this, the cherry on top of this shit show was today after work. I got off early and wanted to visit this little gravesite around in my area to take pics and upload on here. I chickened out. It's too damn dark for me to take any so I walked around, contemplating life per usual. I decided to go inside the convenience store. I asked if there were any sleeping pills/melatonin and the guy had asked a question that made my mind go blank,
"Are you homeless?"
Never in life would I hear those words issued to me, but if I'm gonna be completely honest, I live at my dad's house, not paying any bills or insurance (yet), I sleep in my car majority of the day, and I have the worst pay to labor ratio. So technically, Imma borderline broke ass freeloading bum. But anyway, I was even more in shock when he rang my items. I forgot my wallet in the car and told him I was going to run out n grab it, but he just gave me the bag with an empathetic, "it's okay". And now I feel like a piece of shit to completion. Bc in hindsight, Im not HOMELESS, but it damn sure feels like I am.
I can't believe Im turning into every person I've met in the workforce. Ppl who just live paycheck to paycheck and just let the days past by; not doing anything but working. I use to make fun of those ppl at my last job as a cashier while in HS, but seriously, I got the realest reality check of my life. I really cannot live a life like that for 30+ years if I can't figure something out by graduation. Else I'm better off with maggots in my eyes and my skin wilting in the ground.
I'm done ranting, I need some sleep.... GN and happy Halloween ✌🏽
#personal vent#vent#rant#vent post#tw vent#anxiété#ranting#quick life update#life update#real life#this is me#i got nowhere else to put this so i'll keep it here#this is real#this is rough#this is reality#thus is life#revelation
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You don't have to respond or anything. I actually feel bad for writing this bcs i don't wanna burden anyone with this but if i don't say anything I'll lose it.
TW for R-word, PTSD, Depression, Self-harm and just really bad thoughts overall.
I'm honestly going insane. I don't even feel real anymore and it sounds corny and dumb but I truly don't. Nothing is helping, no therapy or any amount of pills are working for me. It's like, everytime I'm left to my own thoughts, I go crazy.
I hate it, I hate how I can't remember anything from 6-11 years old other than my cousin and his friend, the only childhood memories I have is my cousin and his friend r-wording me. They're 6 years older than me, I was just a kid. Barely 6, they were preteens. I don't understand why this happened to me and I'm so angry. I can barely sleep, 2 hours a night is amazing for me. But even in my sleep I have nightmares. They're awful, I wake up crying and covered in sweat. When I'm at school, one second I'll be fine and the next all I can feel is him and his friend. Its been years since I've last seen them but they're still there and they won't go away. I can still smell them, feel them, hear them. It's like it's happening all over again and I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do with myself. Everytime I think about having to live with this for the rest of my life, I feel an overwhelming sensation of just straight up agony. My chest hurts, my throat closes up and my eyes get watery. I'm tired of crying every night. I can't live in peace, these flashbacks I get are awful. It's like a flash of pictures in my head and my body reacts to it, like I'm a little kid with two grown men hurting me all over again. I tried fighting back of course, he just didn't feel pain. No matter how hard I kicked and punched and bit him. He wouldn't even flinch, it felt like God or whoever is supposedly up there, was on his side. It still feels like that. I can't even begin to understand why, if God is so powerful and real, why did he let that happen to me? It feels like it's my fault, God punished me for something I did and I just have to deal with it.
I hate how I'd let it happen all over again. Because at least it was just me, he threatened to hurt my sisters if I didn't let him and his friend. I didn't really have a choice, I couldn't let them go through that. So I'm grateful that he stuck to his word and my sisters are fine, I don't know what would happen to me or what'd I would do if they were hurt like i was and honestly still am. I'm sorry, I just feel so lost and faded. If that makes sense? I don't know what's happening to me and I'm scared of that. Thank you and have a goodnight, sorry for this shit I sent you but I wholeheartedly would snap if I stayed silent.
hey anon, it's alright i totally understand just wanting to say anything you've been thinking about.
i firstly wanna say im so sorry for everything's thats happened to you, nobody on earth deserves to go through that, im so sorry my love. and it was not your fault, the only person that's at fault is that scum, not you. you did nothing wrong, absolutely nothing.
i understand it's really hard and finding it so incredibly hard to find the point in trying to continue when you feel like you aren't getting better at all, but from my experience it does get better, it might take days, months or even years but eventually it does.
if you ever want to talk it vent anon feel free to send me a private message, i'm always here to help absolutely anyone, even if it's just to vent and get everything off of your chest.
i'm so sorry, my love, you're loved and i hope everything gets better for you❤️🫂
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been randomly tweeting about this on zero sleep but reformatting in better detail for tumblr bc oh my gd I forgot about just how fucked up a part of 2018 was for us in an incredibly short span of time
- been 18 for a month, flagrantly abusing prescription ketamine, at our wits' end
- finally run out of ket when the use overtook the refill schedule, have a really vulnerable moment on video call with some summer camp friends
- literally the next day. walk over to the local garden store, get hired for the landscaping crew as a stealth transmasc binding full time we're talking manual labor 8 hours a day in the boiling sun in the titty squisher Plus we're weak as shit Plus we get in trouble for asking to use a client's bathroom bc we can't disclose that we don't have the parts required to piss in an empty Gatorade bottle. This lasts less than a week.
- break up with our long term partner, kiss best friend who is dating other best friend (who I'd had much stronger feelings for for a long time) (they both hate me now and we don't speak but that falling out didn't happen until several years after all this), try to like. get in a polycule with the two of them but I'm still talking to my ex and we get back together almost immediately on the condition that they get therapy (they never did) bc they started showing the bare minimum signs of actually loving me and I was of weak constitution
- after the landscaping crew I manage to worm my way into freelancing as a landscaper clearing the back lot of a local bakery (free fine pastries and coffee a massive perk) (also shoutout to the dude who would come by and harvest bamboo to make canes with, he helped me figure out how to work more efficiently).
- have massive sexuality crisis (false flag, was identifying as bi decided I was gay now I realize I'm bi I just had a lot of Girl Trauma from my other shitty ex) while working the lot just wandering around in a stupor imagining really unpleasant scenarios. I bought some really weird camel cigs that I've never had before or since they were tiny and odd tasting
- injure myself and never go back to work bc now it's time for my top surgery
Fast forward a few months I, titless, have moved in with the person I failed to break up with to escape my demented abusive father who had moved back in from an old folks home earlier that year to cut costs, get an awful awful job at chipotle, dive right back into my ketamine abuse now with even greater weed access for a truly mindbending experience, didn't need to pay rent bc my partner (now Actually my ex but not til several years after this) has RICH and ABUSIVE parents that were disappointed in their performance at college so they literally BOUGHT A HOUSE, made it be in my partner's name and had them play landlord for 2 chill friends and 1 absolute asshole all engineering/compsci students who would buy 4-aco-dmt on the gray net and built all kinds of weird fucking shit and art installations and one of them (the one who only ever consumed soylent) got a tarantula named APPLEBEES bc my partner as the fucking homeowner (vomit emoji) had naming rights for any bug introduced in their vicinity. Partner's deeply suicidal plans on dying after they graduate (fortunately didn't happen) I am utterly powerless in the face of this I'm being emotionally neglected and working myself to the bone but it was like one of the best eras of my life bc I got to get obscenely high and wander in the woods or just sit in the kitchen with the rave lights going listening to Blood Orange
[PRIEST ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONFESSION BOOTH RIPS A FAT VAPE HIT]
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i'm in the middle of my third time reding this, gathering my thoughts for a review, and i wanna point out some things real quick
- balcony memories on new years and now on christmas!
- yoongi calls the reader love and i don't even know how to react lol almost swallowed my fist when i realized it
- i'm not 100% sure, but i remember that when the reader finds out about vmin, it's in a context of taehyung acting weird for a while and then saying some stuff about no one likes to be hidden and shit. so it's so so so nice to read they're getting more comfortable to be publicly together (idk if their group knows, but it's p likely)
- if i got it right (and that's a stretch bc my first reads are super dumb lol) the reader was cheated during christmas, right? and, besides, there's some shared trauma with bro, something that happened eight years ago and all, and since there's a bunch of dialogues of bro having to look out for the reader and being her only family, i'm guessing their parents died? can't be sure but... seems pretty likely
- i felt the atmosphere here seemed a bit different from the other chapters (especially bc now i'm reading it all again for reviews). i'm not quite sure what's changed, but i'll investigate. it created a whole different effect, an euphoria and intensity (not the angsty type) that i can't quite place rn... 🤔
anyway, i'm still processing everything ok
but i just wanna say once again, that all your hard work definitely payed off! i'm sorry you had to stress so much over it :( but it truly is perfect. you keep throwing those mesmerizing works everytime and i just can't believe an author like you exists. i'm completely addicted to the way you create and window was just another proof of how talented you are.
i'll sleep now cus it's super late lol and i'm not thinking straight. today at work i was randomly smiling and flushing bc something about the chapter randomly came to mind and my coordinator was throwing me looks like 🧐
LUAAAA i'm gonna answer this but just know i got your fantastic af review on the actual chapter and pretty much sobbed throughout the day because of it LMAOOO thank you so damn much !! it means the world that someone took the time to write all of that out?? to the point where they thought they needed to take some things out because it was too long (when there is no! such! thing!)? made my entire week and it's only monday<3 seriously, thank you endlessly!
as far as this commentary, i think it feels different bc we don't know if it's canon, but they're still themselves - if that makes sense? like the characters are being the same people but the environment coupled with the "side arc" aspect is probably what gives this one a different ambiance. it's a holiday special!! gotta have that sparkly tint on it, too.
and as far as the parents, we don't know yet. but we're slowly getting more and more info the further we get into the story, and i'm sure the full backstory will reveal itself in due time. but you're right about all the bro looking out for reader and all the pressure and stuff. and despite all the tension surrounding bro, the siblings are tight. we'll explore all of that as we go along!
hells yeah to the vmin development! and the yoongi saying that outside of a spicy context oh god my head was spinning??? bye. BYEEE. anyways, thank you so much for the commentary and incredible review on window (that i'm gonna read again soon ahaha.) i appreciate the heck out of you :(( i had a lot of fun writing this one so even though it wore me out, i think it was worth it.
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i have a stiff neck. i have other symptoms but it's complicated. it's been a few days now and it hasn't gone away and i think it's getting worse bc i'm feeling like i have a hangover. it's pretty bad but it's not the worst i've ever felt, the worst of it is the discomfort because it physically feels like my head is an unsafe place for my brain to be and it's an incredibly anxiety inducing feeling. other than that i mostly just feel like i have a hangover. so since it's been getting worse i've been googling it and since you mentioned it google yes i was recently bit by a nasty looking mosquito and the bite itself was noticeably different than any other bug bite i've ever had in fact i still have a bump from the bite like 3 weeks later! and holy fucking shit. i don't have a lot going for me but i'm scared of dying and there is no cure for whatever is wrong with me i don't know if it's west nile or what but i know there's no cure. this is fucking terrifying. and then like. oh my fucking god am i going to go bankrupt over this? and then there's the horror of, is it too soon to go to the doctor since all my vitals are normal and i'm not throwing up, OR!! is it ALREADY too late and this post is going to end up on a youtube video and they're gonna be like "they were still feeling okay at this point but little did they know... " i think i'm going to throw up. i'm really tired and i want to sleep but laying down makes me feel like my brain is trapped in my skull and i cannot escape. it's night time and i'm not going to an er bc i can't afford an ambulance so i'm just waiting until the cheaper health care is available and cheaper transportation.
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I went to an open mic night at this school cafe bar I and my friends really like, and it is really great and has a really sweet and fun and supportive queer community it's cultivated which is super nice. Well I hadn't been in a while bc I'm a hermit cave man guy. And I went tonight and there was this one guy who was like... Idek but they made me feel insane with lust in a way that is sooo not normal for me and I just need to be gay for a minute. Obama voice uhhhh let me be queer (sorry)
Ok so me and my roommate are sitting in our booth, chilling, having a nice time, and then this little scrawny white dude walks up on stage. All black, clothes ill fitting and too big, skinny jeans and a black hoodie and strawberry blond hair past his shoulders. Then they turn around and theyre wearing a plain black masquerade mask covering everything but their mouth (since they had to sing probably lol). Then I notice the tattoo choker and I'm just like Oh No. Immediately I was like there is something transgender happening here. My roommate and I are immediately texting like mad like..... Omfg.... This nerdy little trans person.... So cute and aw they're shy oh wait their mic is off. But then the manager turns the mic on and I'm just like whaaaaaat the fuck because this little guy has immaculate fucking pipes. Incredibly fucked. I'm sitting there like. Oh fuck. Keep it together. Keep your head on get a grip. But it was already too late. I can't explain the effect this cringe loser faggy little nerd sleep token wannabe [delirious] had on me tonight but by god. Horrifying.
And then he said his album debut is Saturday and that the event was FUNERAL THEMED and me and my roommate just LOOKED at each other. I was like oh shit. That's serendipitous as fuck. And soooo cute. I like couldn't function for the rest of the night fr. What the fuck
But I am staying FAR the fuck away from that one forever I can't let myself succumb to the devil like that. I'm strong and I will not be unwise for someone I don't even know
#truly terrifying the power they had over me#i can never go near thek again or i will do something foolish#adamently telling myself do NOT reach out for gods sake. please#shaking sweating patting my face with my dainty like kerchief like good heavens#literally physically mentally spiritually unwell#im going to throw up
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i'm gonna vent a little here you don't have to read it!!
i feel like my dad shielded me too much and now i'm 21 having major anxiety over things that most people do every day. he isn't the extremely strict type, he's more of an overprotective kind of person, one example: he never liked the idea of me riding the bus on my own and since we lived most my life in small towns he would always drive me around or tell me to just walk. now we live in a big city, i've ridden the bus several times but never alone, tomorrow i have to go downtown for an appointment in a place i have no idea how to get to and i'm so incredibly anxious i can't even sleep. like, thats not normal, i'm a whole adult, i've been working since i was 16, i can vote and i can drink but i can't take the bus by myself??? and the thing is, he treats me like a kid, it got to a point where we argue quite a lot about it bc he doesn't give me space to become my own independent person. "just move out" i can't, i'm a broke college student that doesn't make enough money to pay a rent, and there's also the fact that if i mention it he will try to dissuade me by saying he doesn't have anyone else and he doesn't wanna stay away from me. don't get me wrong, i love him, i do, he's been the only parent i had and he did a great job and overall we have an amazing relationship but i feel like he is codependent. like, i get it, the man has been through hell, he is scared of ending up alone and he's scared that i'll get hurt like he did (he's also pretty aware that my mom gave me a shit load of trauma and i think he wants to compensate for not being able to prevent that) which lead him to try to protect me from the world the only way he knew how: keeping me around and watching closely. and while i understand why he acts the way he does, i just feel like it's not fair for him project all of this onto me, i feel like adulthood is being really anxiety inducing bc there are things i just never learned how to handle on my own and that is genuinely embarrassing. idk if this makes any sense and tbh typing this out makes me feel kinda bad bc he is genuinely a good dad that always did his best and would never intentionally harm me in any way, dude just needs some therapy
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dream talk
tw assault (?) scare, s*icide ideation
i just woke up, and it looks like i had a depth-y one, since i was drooling on my pillow and woke up late.
i... think i had a hurt/comfort dream.
i forget the context, but i was at a sort of party with a lot of people. at some sort of a large hotel with multiple floors.
the places in this dream feel... like i've seen them in other dreams, but they're upgraded.
i think i was playing around with some of the elevator buttons and ended up going to this one floor. it was a glass balcony with the elevator in the middle. bc of the shape of the elevator, there were two wide sections on the balcony, and two narrow sections.
there were a lot of shady people in the narrow section, which scared me, but i think i had no choice but to go through there. and as expected, someone grabbed my arm and tried pulling me away. i don't remember how i felt, but i must've been terrified.
luckily, some stranger pulled me away and wrote it off as him looking for me. i played along and thanked him, as we walked away. he gently pushed me in the elevator, and i quickly went to another floor.
comfort part
i don't remember what happened, but later on, i ended up in the elevator with two other people. we were all sitting on some sort of bench in the elevator and going to different floors so no one would walk in. it was silly.
one of the people in there, the one next to me, was a celebrity of sorts? but.. it wasn't even a romantic dream. it was just me having a breakdown, laying my head on their soldier and venting about my problems. talking about my problems with my mom and how i can't talk about any of my crippling mental health with her. and how i just want to die already, but i can't even tell her. i just say there a while, crying, as the two of them quietly listened to me. who the other person was is fading away.
then, he... the former person... he basically said "you've gone through so much shit. you've gone through a lot, and you don't know how to handle it. just let me help you, alright? i'll take care of everything else, i just want you to rest and relax." i kept crying and apologizing that he had to do so much work because of me, but he shushed me and said it was alright. that it's alright to ask for help and comfort.
the dream took a weird turn, but i remember turning into a small mouse and going around on someone's head. it was to hide from my mom during dinner, though i don't remember why i would even risk it in the first place. i think it was another celebrity. i tried just sleeping and not moving much, while they took care of me and fed me little bits of food. i remember it being scary to try and keep my mom from noticing it was me.
then, it's a blur and i remember having fun in a small room with a lot of people i'm not in mouse form anymore. we were singing karaoke, i think, and just being silly. until, my mom suddenly tries kicking down the door. she keeps trying, and we look at ourselves in fear. i eventually suck it up and open the door, as she screams and yells at me. i don't remember much of what she said.
then, it's another blur. suddenly i'm in a river/canal with this.. vtuber person? it's no one i watch, surprisingly. i was in another depressive state and just in the water. they come up to me with this boat and are like "come on, let me pull you around" and they joke that i'm heavy, but pull me around easily. it turns into another moment of me venting about my problems and crying, while they listen and let me lay on their lap. i forget if the lap part actually happened.
then... that's where the dream ends. or at least, what i remember of it.
i woke up feeling incredibly depressed and lethargic, and am still feeling that as i'm curled up in bed typing this on my phone. my only thought, reflecting on my dream, was "i hate it here." i hate my dreams for reflecting what i need most of. for reflecting my problems and providing actual help for them, whether it was useful or not.
i hate still being able to feel how safe and comforted and warm i felt while being listened to and doted on. the feeling of someone telling me "i don't want to see you in so much pain anymore, let me take care of you." i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it. just when i'd accepted that i might be alone with no friends for the rest of my life, my dream throws that at me.
starting off the day much more horribly than i thought.
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kinda have feelings for him after he I wasnt weird about me being in little space but I'm not even sure he knew I was, we jut cuddled. but that might just have been trauma bonding.
Also he can't kiss, like boy close your mouth and stop using tongue if you dont know how. Also his beard stubble hurt my upper lip and chin like he'll and I'm glad I didn't get a rash from that.
He doesn't know shit about shit I mean what do you expect from a 17 year old with zero experience and friends that are just as childish.
anyways, I cant afford a relationship right now. my grades have to be my utmost priority at the moment and a relationship would distract me too much. almost mad at myself for starting this thing in the first place, because my grades really already have started to drop since this thing started. like how fucking stupid am I.
now I just have to figure out how to let him down easy without destroying every social connection I made in the past two months. like my one of my classes even started to be fun, because now I get along with two of the boys there bc one of them happens to be his friend with whom I also had a few interactions unrelated to the whole situationship drama because of the class trip and resulting hiking trips. but because of the fact that they are close friends im worried he won't wanna work with me in class anymore, which would be problematic. on the other hand, there are only a few months left and I'd still have my girls but that one class...
idk I'm making this way more complicated that it would have to be because of my emotional mess and unavailability because I'm still not over getting hurt in my last relationship.
but also until like two days ago, which was the last time I stayed at his place (for the fourth time already fuuuuuucc), I didn't think I could ever have feelings for him, like the spark just wasn't there despite two months of talking and meeting up, cuddling and said bad kisses that are a huge turn off at that.
anyways, I dont really get along with his personality either and there's just so much about him that I don't vibe with. like first of the cringe hormonal teenage boy blabber and screaming and drinking and what not. then also his incredibly bad posture. the fact that I've never noticed him brush his teeth before bed unless he's like really fast which would also not be a good thing. his music taste? ew. that I sleeps in sweat pants when I'm there but a pair that looks horrible on him and has a weird fabric, like the fake silk looking sporty one yk? because he doesn't wanna sleep in boxers and tshirt while I'm staying over like I'm not doing exactly that, laying there in my underwear and an oversized shirt lol. His way of talking/texting is weird too, lol. And additionally I don't really get along with his mom. she's so awkward and introverted and sorta judgy towards me, idk how to describe it, but comfortable with her is something that I am not.
in conclusion... there is a reason why I don't date younger. Its simply trash.
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Not to be hopping from one blog to another but it's the layton/fe anon and I hope it's ok to stop by
I was done with my work for the day and thought okay let's start with UTS before sleeping. So I read the pre-story now and sjybs I'm hooked 😳 I felt a lil reminded of maze runner with people appearing without memories and stuff. But shdhs you did it so well?? And the way you portrayed them and their interactions and their effects on each other - I'm just incredibly soft for it all. Like I don't know it felt so warm? Can't wait to continue when I have the time~
So sorry to hear abt your docs appointment, I hope it's rlly just a reflux (which ofc can still be very frustrating though!) Either way I hope you'll feel better soon :)
And since you mentioned fe au - idk if you are into three houses or if you only like the more classic fire emblem games. But I might have had some thoughts on a svt au recently bc them having three units just fits too perfectly
(Also big yes to seungcheol with a sword. Also sniper minghao lives in my head rent free or alternatively - completely ignoring that it's a female class only - songstress hao. Maybe I just wanna see him dance with a lance)
... okay i am so sorry for coming into your ask box with this giant text. I hope you have a good day and tysm for writing uts<3
omg noooo!! dont be sorry!!! i always love getting asks (esp long asks) and ur ask to ae was super cute so it's absolutely okay to drop by if you ever feel inclined to <3
that's not the first time i've heard the maze runner comparisons tbh! june explained it to me (thank u lovely, if u see this <3) so i can def see it :0 i'm not sure if it's spoilers to say but the end goal between UtS and tmr is definitely separate imo? + tmr has more of a sci-fi vibe which is absolutely cool lmao just not my cup of tea
but tysm! i kinda hope to keep showing their interactions and how they've impacted one another more as i go on both between the individual parts + the poly ending but idk how much i'll actually be able to do there <3
ngl i was telling family abt the appt and they said the reflux thing sounded right considering the way she explained it to me (which was basically just "shit sits there while ur asleep, esophagus goes ouch ouch" i'm pretty sure lmao)! i have some medicine tho that i'll probs start taking after i double check that its not a sulfa drug (i didnt see my normal dr and neither the nurse or the lady i saw confirmed my allergies--better safe than sorry). thank u tho <3 i woke up feeling fine today but i figured i'd go ahead and see someone in case shit happens again
imma be honest with u the only fe game i've played to completion was birthright. i own all the fates games + awakening, but i'm bad at strategy lmao i've considered playing three houses tho! i had a pal recommend it for me and i was gonna eventually try to get it from gamefly :0 but pls absolutely feel free tos hare thoughts abt a svt au!! im honestly fine w spoilers haha
just. clenches fist. cheol w sword lives rent free in my head.
honestly hao having a different class but working like shigure from fates could always work tbh? just with dancing ykno :0
again pls dont be sorry!! thank u for the long ask omg i love getting to talk to people <3 i hope you have a good day/night as well!! pls feel free to stop by whenever you feel like it nonny
#wooahaes.ask#asks.anon#also if u want a specific anon tag feel free to let me kno in the future!! :0
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