can you stop trying to be funny and post unrelated stuff and just reblog the famous posts like you're supposed to

unfortunately I cannot

I did create the “the hellsite answers” tag so it can be blocked if you don’t want to see asks

but there are other blogs that I think only reblog posts (like @worldheritagepostorganization and many others that I can’t think of at the moment) that you’re free to follow if you prefer that

YOUR BROTHER HEADCANONS ARE SO UNDERAPPRECIATED, I'M ENRAGED !1! may i request older bro headcanons like the one you dod for oikawa & tobio? but with bokuto & the miya twins? thank you lots. hope tumblr doesn't eat this ask i'll cry

⸙ ˚₊ ➷ THE MIYA TWINS & BOKUTO KOUTARO AS YOUR OLDER BROTHERS ! ❞

╰─ ─ ﾟheadcanons of the best twins & ace of my heart being your older brothers.

✐ . . . BIG BROTHER HEADCANONS.

[ OIKAWA TOORU & KAGEYAMA TOBIO VERSION. ]

-ˏˋ ➶ character(s) ━ bokuto koutaro, miya atsumu & miya osamu <3

[ trigger warnings ━ slight manga spoilers !! ]

-ˏˋ playing soleil's tape ˊˎ-

[ 📼 ] . . . hey bub! omg i have my first anon, thank you so much for loving my older brother headcanons! i love the concept and everything about. and glad that u do too <3 anyways here's your request !

-ˏˋ ✉️ REQUESTS ARE ALWAYS OPEN.

⇣ please read the RULES before requesting.

MIYA TWINS.

➜ oh my goodness, i pray so hard and dearly for your parents because y'all are WILD WILD

➜ when you guys were young, you know those videos of twins confusing their baby on who's their parent??

➜ yeah THESE TWO TRIED IT WITH YOU.

➜ it was probably atsumu's dumb idea

➜ he watched it a few days ago in youtube

➜ so he suggested it to osamu which begrudgingly accepted, curious on how you would react

“ c'mon, come to big brother 'samu ”

➜ atsumu says as he stretches his arms out to you while you're oblivious poor innocent ass was doing the grabby hands to him

➜ ngl you looked so cute he felt a little guilty for what's to come

➜ while osamu sits next to him with a monotonous expression

“ no, i'm big brother 'samu ”

➜ your head spun to his direction

➜ and you're just like 👁👄👁

➜ while switching left and right in confusion as you dropped your arms down so fucking fast LMAO

➜ while atsumu was trying so hard, really he promised he won't laugh so soon, that osamu keeps pestering him to shut his bitch as up

➜ until the faintest of sobs were heard, forcing their mini argument to a halt

“ will you stay quiet ─ ”

“ ─ oh no no no, please don't cry ”

➜ osamu is in distraught because he actually doesn't know how to take care of a child crying

➜ while astumu is trying to carry you

“ hngg i ─ hic ─ want big brother 'samu ─ hic ! ”

➜ bitch almost wanted to drop you right then and there honestly

➜ he's like ??? DOES THIS BITCH EVEN KNOW I EXIST EYE??

➜ and when osamu heard you calling out to him, something in him snapped

“ i knew this was a bad idea ─ ”

➜ as he shoved atsumu off of you, hugging you as he tries to coo you, whispering “ shh . . don't ya worry, yer big brother 'samu is here ”

➜ this MANS OHMYGOD

➜ your cries seemed to have ceased as atsumu is standing there like ??

➜ i'm thEIR BROTHER TOO !!

➜ bb boy held a grudge on you for a few weeks ngl

➜ but then you grew up and now you know that you actually have two (2) big bro 'samu

➜ but more annoying & bitchy

➜ you're their favourite victim to bully

➜ well, atsumu

➜ but they won't let their teasing lead to you crying because they actually can't stand the sight of their younger sibling crying

➜ contrary to popular belief, when you realized there was another big bro 'samu, you were now attached to atsumu while he's similing smugly and triumphly at osamu

➜ atsumu would 100% be very competitive for your attention though he makes you hate him whenever he bullies you

➜ but we all know osamu hates losing

➜ so there was definitely a time of your life that their fighting over who was the best big brother

➜ ugh y'all cute cute

➜ while you're helping osamu around the kitchen, atsumu would just watch from the side lines because the kitchen is kinda yours and osamu's thing

➜ though while in his earlier years, he'd get upset because he wants you to hang out with him too :(

➜ while you have the cooking thing with osamu, you have the baking thing with atsumu

➜ shh hear me out

➜ osamu is actually not good at baking shit

➜ the first time he attempted baking was when you joined a baking club & now you're obsessed with making cupcakes and all that good good

➜ and he wanted to also try and back

➜ and how and what did he do to make your cupcakes look like dog shit was beyond you

➜ and while smelling something burning, atsumu ran to the kitchen and after realizing what osamu did

➜ he'd try and make your next batch of cupcakes presentable

➜ because he's?? actually?? good at it??

➜ and now you guys have your baking sessions and brother 'tsumu bonding time

➜ but even though you guys have other things with the other person, you guys LOVED doing chores together

➜ like, your guys' mom would make the boys clean the bathroom and before you knew it, LIKE YOU WENT THERE JUST TO TALK TO THEM WHILE THEY CLEAN, you find yourself cleaning the toilet necause atsumu ain't doing that shit

➜ washing dishes?? that as well

➜ you and atsumu would be the ones washing while osmu would do the drying

➜ 11/10 of the time would leave you guys a damped mess

➜ while cleaning the kitchen, i absoloutely headcanon, like STRONGLY

➜ that you guys would just talk either about random shit, talk shit about someone honestly, or quote reality tv shows

➜ like one thing you would be sweeping the kitchen floor,  and while sweeping, you accidentally hit the trash bin hard that the contents flew out of it as it fell down the floor

➜ and atsumu's like : “ pooja what is this behaviour?? ”

➜ then something clicked in you that made you remember that one show bigg boss something

➜ and you'd be like : “ i'm sorry i kicked it ny mistake ”

➜ osamu would roll his eyes before joining you two :  “ you can't kick it by mistake ”

➜ “ the  pick it up if it bothers you ”

➜ ugh y'all aRE ICONS

➜ y'all would be at the pool and atsumu would shout “ oh no my diamond earing is gone ”

➜ and osamu would reply “ kim, there's people that are drying. ”

➜ you'll be their biggest fan in the court

➜ whenever they play with you on the sidelines something in them just snapped and they'll be scoring points by points in a row

➜ they lowkey love to show off

➜ if you're a girl, every fangirl of they have would be wary of you at first, but then realized that you were just their little sister

➜ and to their bisexual fans, they would ngl have a huge ass crush on you too

➜ and if you're a boy as well, oH MY GOD WOULD THEY HAVE FALLEN AMD CAN'T GET UP

➜ LIKE BITCH THE MIYA GENES ARE THRIVING IN THE THREE OF YOU

➜ you bet they'd be throwing hands if someone decided to break your heart

➜ though, osamu would be the more rational one

➜ if they ever meet your s/o, atsumu would want to rile them up while osamu is just being calm but the scarier one of the two?? but he knows you don't need any protecting because you know how to do it yourself & you don't have any need for that.

➜ but he will step up if he needed to

➜ 12/10 would recommend as brothers

➜ in conclusion, you guys may not always get along, but you know damn well they care about you and would apologize right away if they did something too far. and you guys are such good sibling goals😤

BOKUTO KOUTARO.

➜ definitely know how to deal with his emo mode

➜ since you guys grew up together

➜ and sadly, you didn't have an akaashi to help you out with it while you were young

➜ like he'd be the older brother but you would probably be the more mature one

➜ but while you guys were young, he was your knight & shinning armor

➜ like when you scraped your knee while trying to catch him, he'll do a 180° and bitch has never ran faster to you than that time

➜ & if you were crying because of it, he'll make stupid jokes but it'll always make you forget about the pain in your knee

➜ and it's one of those times that you could really see that he was actually older than you

➜ then he'll piggyback you back to your house

➜ homeboy be reliable even while he was young wow

➜ and even 'till now

➜ if you ever got sick or injured

➜ or god forbid, HEARBROKEN by someone

➜ a bitch will throw hands

➜ but before that he'll make you laugh & do his best to take your mind off whatever is causing you to hurt

➜ ngl you would always look up to him, even if he may seem childish

➜ he'll hang out with you the rest of the day, he doesn't care if it's a school day, he'll drag akaashi with him

➜ my boy here GIVES THE BEST ADVICES

➜ though he may reword them differently, but his advices never seemed to fail you

➜ fights don't usually happen, and if they do they're probably serious

➜ he's the type of brother that lets you sneak out the house

➜ he'll usually back you up in everything

➜ and this bitch would take the fall for your faults

➜ ugh WE STAN

➜ but also if you sneak out the house to your significant other, bb boy has to know their number, address, occupation etc.

➜ because he ain't having a broken hearted sibling

➜ and he just wants the best for you

➜ and in the future, though he may be busy with being a professional volleyball player;

➜ he'll always have time for you

➜ he'll cLEAR OUT HIS SCHEDULE JUST FOR YOU

➜ you're that urgent to him

➜ your his first best friend before volleyball

➜ speaking of volleyball, if you aren't found in the stands in his matches ─ he'll go TO EMO MODE Y'ALL

➜ because you're usually always there in his games and it makes him give all his 120%

➜ since he's usually busy, he'll ALWAYS have those covey sisters movie nights

➜ if ykyk

➜ he's a sucker for family bonding time ogey

➜ the type to binge watch all the hsm movies & know all the lyrics to all the songs

➜ the type to defend sharpay with all his might

➜ and you guessed it right

➜ sharpay is his favourite character

➜ no one tell me otherwise

➜ THE TYPE TO DUET SONGS WITH YOU

➜ HIS FAVOURITE?

➜ EVERY SHARPAY & RYAN SONGS

➜ HE'LL BE SHARPAY AND YOU'LL BE RYAN

➜ AND THAT'S ON BOP TO THE TOP

➜ hates horror movies

➜ so if you ever watch it with him, he won't leave your side for the rest of the night & will have a sleepover on the living room

➜ f o r t s

➜ loves doing ridiculous challanges

➜ your phone would be BOMBARDED with crackhead videos of him

➜ probably broke a bone or two ngl

➜ 100/10 would recommend as a brother

➜ in conclusion, he may not always be there, and would be a bit childish & needy at times; but you know that he would step up as a big brother for you ANYDAY, ANYNIGHT, ANYTIME. because how could he want the best for you when he's not being his best on his part?

-ˏˋ playing soleil's tape ˊˎ-

[ 📼 ] . . . i'm sorry but i JUST HAD to write this out before anything else. to anyone waiting for their request to be posted some of them will be posted tomorrow, i promise aHhh. anyways check out my other big bro headcanons that i absoloutely love here.

click the link down below !

also, requests are still open; one requests = one more reason to stay sane

The Price to Pay | n.jm

pairing: jaemin x fem!reader

summary: when you’re given your dream job, what will happen to you and Jaemin?

warnings: ANGST, bad writing lmao, depression (not specifically mentioned but it’s obviously there), a shit ton of crying, jaemin being kind of an asshole ngl, mentions of hockey (only because there might be some things that don’t make sense idk maybe they do to somebody who doesn’t watch it), VERY INACCURATE INFO ON BECOMING A TRANSLATOR

notes: here’s part 2 to New Beginnings! idk how to link it lmao im sorry im really bad at this also im iffy on how this came out but at this point whatever i wrote a lot. I’m gonna try to do the bold for korean again (cuz new beginnings on the app is fucking jacked af but on the full website it looks how it’s supposed to) but like just assume that everything the OCs are saying are in Korean and whatever the Dreamies say that aren’t to English speaking people are in Korean

“Please put on your seatbelts as we will begin our descent to Los Angeles, California.”

You did as the flight attendant asked and looked out the window. The ground slowly got closer and closer, and your heart raced with excitement. Despite how you’d felt a year ago, you couldn’t wait to land and start the next chapter in your life. You could still feel the exhaustion from it being in the middle of the night in Seoul, but that was so little compared to all the emotions running through your body.

Once you were out of security, you pulled up FaceTime on your phone and called Jisung. It rang and rang, and you almost gave up when he finally answered the call. He was out of breath, as if he’d just run to get his phone. His face lit up when he saw yours.

“Y/N! You landed safely!” he said. Your parents appeared in the frame, which made you smile.

“I did! I’m heading towards pick-up now, so hopefully I’ll be on my way to the rink,” you told them.

You’d decided you wanted to be an English-Korean translator, so you had been hired as a translator for a new NHL prospect. He was born and raised in Korea, and he knew very little English, so you were going to help him during prospect camp, translating and teaching him English. You expected to be in America until September, but if he made it past both prospect and training camp, who knew what your future held?

“Oh honey, I’m so proud of you,” your mom said.

“We both are. You’re gonna do great, we know it,” your dad added.

You looked around and spotted your name on a sign that was held by a man with a driver’s cap. You told your family you had to go and hung up before walking over. He greeted you with a smile and grabbed one of your bags, heading to the parking lot. You shot a text to the boys, letting them know you’d landed. The drive to the rink didn’t take long, and you were escorted by a security guard through the hallways to an office.

“Ms. Park is here,” the security guard announced before heading back to his area.

“Y/N, it’s very nice to meet you. I’m Rob Blake, the general manager,” a very tall man in a suit said. He held his hand out to you, which you shook. “We’re very happy to have you here. Chi-won Han’s translator from last year has a new job, so we’re glad you can stay for longer.”

“Thank you, Mr. Blake. I’m very excited for this opportunity,” you stated with a wide smile. “So, where should we start?”

Mr. Blake’s assistant gave you multiple papers to sign before bringing you to get your ID made. You proudly hung it around your neck, even though your picture looked absolutely horrible (you just got off an eleven-hour flight). Then, Mr. Blake himself brought you to a conference room where the prospect, his agent, and the coaches were.

“Everyone, this is Y/N Park. She will be Chi-won’s translator.”

You bowed and said, “Han Chi-won, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Park Y/N.”

The boy bowed as well. “Thank you for flying here, Y/N. You have to idea how appreciative I am.”

You then introduced yourself to the agent and the coaches, dropping your bags to bow and shake hands. You told them about your exact role and how to contact you in case you were needed last minute. You’d been given a phone for work with everyone’s contacts in it, along with a rental car since you still had a valid driver’s license. You were then handed the keys to your apartment, which you would be sharing with Chi-won and one of the Kings’ players, Tyler Toffoli.

“Y/N, do you own any skates?” Marco Sturm, one of the assistant coaches, asked.

You shook your head. “I’m not very good at skating, but I’ll definitely do my best.”

“Have Tyler and Chi-won take you shopping for a pair. We really need you on the ice for drills.”

You translated for the hockey player when his head perked up at his name. He nodded shyly, his eyes darting to the floor. You couldn’t help but feel bad for him; he had no idea what anyone was saying, so for all he knew you could’ve been talking poorly about him. None of you would do that, but he didn’t know any better.

“Camp doesn’t officially start until tomorrow. We just wanted you to meet before then so that you can get situated. before the madness,” Mr. Blake explained.

“I appreciate that. It’s past midnight in Korea, so I’m pretty exhausted,” you replied.

“You guys are all set for today. We’ll see you bright and early tomorrow for day one.”

You turned to Chi-won and asked, “You wanna get food?”

He nodded vigorously, saying, “Tyler and his wife were making breakfast when I was called down here.”

Grabbing your bags, you said your farewells to the men before heading out, Chi-won hot on your feels. When you clicked the key fob for the rental car, a new SUV lit up. You let out a low whistle and popped the hatch, tossing your suitcases and duffel in. You and Chi-won then climbed in and decided on a local diner. The car ride was mostly silent, the radio playing softly in the background. When you walked into the restaurant, his eyes widened in fear as the waitress spoke to him. You ordered juice for the both of you and then started translating the menu with ease, watching his shoulders relax at the sound of a language he knew.

The two of you ate in silence for a couple minutes, simply enjoying your food. You checked your personal phone for any messages, but there was nothing. You weren’t surprised, though. The boys were supposed to be asleep, so you expected there to be nothing, but it still hurt to see that you hadn’t even heard from Jaemin. Then again, you probably should’ve expected as much.

“What?” Jaemin asked quietly.

You’d shown up at the dorms, wearing one of your boyfriend’s sweatshirts and a pair of shorts. Your hair was a mess from stressing out, so you had the hood up. He had to know what was going on, and you were out of time.

“I’m going back to America,” you repeated. “A major sports team contacted me last month to help one of their prospects. He doesn’t know much English, so I’ll be translating for him during camp.”

“When you do leave?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?!” You flinched at the sudden rise of his volume, the sound bouncing off the walls. There was no way the other Dreamies hadn’t heard him. There was no way the other Dreames hadn’t heard him, and you started to panic. This was definitely not how you expected this to go. “You’ve known for a month, and you’re just telling me now?!”

“I was going to tell you sooner, but since you’re working on your comeback, you’ve had to cancel dates! I didn’t have a choice but to tell you now!” you argued.

“Oh, so now it’s my fault?”

“I didn’t say that, Jaemin. I’m just explaining that there wasn’t a good time, so that’s why you aren’t finding out until the day before my flight. I’m sorry it wasn’t sooner.” Your hands were wringing in the kangaroo pocket, but it was hidden by the island in the kitchen.

“How long will you be gone?” When you didn’t answer right away, his jaw clenched. “How long, Y/N?”

Scared by his tone, you said, “I have no idea. Prospect camp is for a few days, but they’re expecting him to continue on to training camp in September.”

“Are you even coming back? What does that mean for us?”

“I don’t know, Jae!” you snapped. Your voice reverberated off the walls, and you could hear shuffling down the hall. “I don’t know.”

There was a heavy pause. He then asked, “You don’t know if you’re coming back? Or you don’t know what will happen with our relationship?”

“Both.”

“You’re very young to be a translator,” Chi-won stated, snapping you out of your thoughts.

You wiped your mouth with a napkin, giving you time to think of your answer without revealing too much. “My step-dad is from Korea. He and my mom got married when I was nine, but he and my step-brother had to stay there while my mom and I live here. We would visit whenever there was a vacation for school, so I learned it over the years.”

“Do you live in Korea now?”

“Right in Seoul. I moved after I graduated high school last year.”

Chi-won was silent after that. After you paid the bill, you plugged in the address for the apartment building and made the quick drive over. Parking along the street, Chi-won grabbed your bags for you and led you to the apartment. You used the key to unlock the door and walked inside. A man and a woman looked over at the same time from the kitchen and smiled.

“You must be the translator. I’m Tyler, and this is my wife, Cat,” the man introduced.

You shook their hands and said, “It’s nice to meet you. My name’s Y/N Park.”

“Come right in. I’ll show you where your room is,” Cat offered.

You followed her down the hallway to a room that had grey walls, dark wooden floors, and a matching wooden dresser. There was a queen-sized bed with fresh sheets on it and a cream armchair in the corner. Identical nightstands stood on either side of the bed, and there was a bathroom attached to the bedroom.

“Make yourself at home. You look like you’re about to fall asleep standing up,” she joked.

“Yeah, I’m gonna take a quick nap, if that’s okay?” you asked.

“Go ahead.”

Cat closed the door behind her, leaving you alone. You collapsed onto the bed and checked to see if any messages had come in before you’d left the diner’s WiFi, but still nothing. Sighing, you put your phone on the nightstand and let your eyes close, the heaviness becoming too much to fight against.

When you woke up, the sun was high in the sky. You groaned as your arms stretched above your head. According to your phone, it was a little past noon, so you rolled out of bed and headed to the kitchen. Luckily, the password to the WiFi was on the refrigerator. As soon as your phone was connected, it started blowing up with messages and snapchats. The sudden sound made you jump, definitely waking you up. You took some time to respond to the boys and your parents, and it took you a few minutes to notice that none of the notifications were from Jaemin. Sighing, you shoved your phone into your pocket and went looking for Chi-won. You found him in his room, looking at an English book with furrowed brows.

“I’m not starting lessons until after prospect camp,” you said.

The boy jumped, clearly unaware of your presence until you announced it. He closed the book and placed it on the nightstand before looking around the room, avoiding your eyes. Sighing, you sat at the desk that was by the window.

“What’s on your mind?” you asked.

“What if I don’t make it past this camp?” he questioned.

You let out a deep breath and said, “Then you go back to your team in Korea, continue to train and practice, and then next year, you’ll come back. The exact same thing as what you went through last year.”

“What will happen to you?”

“I’ll go back home as well. I’m currently under contract with the team, so if you’re not here, I’m not needed. They’ll let me know when I am. You’re stuck with me.”

///

You and Chi-won walked into the practice rink the next morning, a fresh pair of skates in the duffel bag on your shoulder. You’d gone out with Tyler and Chi-won after dinner to buy them, just like Coach Sturm had told you to. The thought of being on the ice with a bunch of hockey players and falling on your ass was terrifying, but you didn’t have much of a choice.

You headed to the weight room and sat on a bench. Skating wouldn’t come until after they were done for the day, so your bag was simply dropped to the floor. You then pulled out your phone and looked at the last message you’d sent to Jaemin.

You: I know you’re upset, but I would love for you to be at the airport tomorrow.

He never showed up. Everyone else had, but he’d stayed at the dorms. The way the conversation had ended left the status of your relationship up in the air, and you were too scared to ask. Your anniversary was supposed to be in a little over a month, but you didn’t even know if that was something to be celebrated anymore.

The sound of the door opening behind you caught your attention. The players started filtering into the room, shooting odd looks your way. You stood up when Chi-won walked in, moving to his side for when the head strength and conditioning coach started talking.

After a speech, the coach came over and introduced himself, apologizing for missing the meeting the day before. When you assured him it was fine, he transitioned the conversation to the first test he wanted Chi-won to run through. You translated everything as you followed them to the bikes, not missing a single beat. You watched as he pedaled and pedaled, sweat dripping down his face as his leg muscles rippled from the rapid movement. You could hear the cheers of encouragement from the other prospects as they watched the others that were running through the tests.

When there was time for a break, Chi-won took the water bottle you handed him, draining it fairly quickly. He then grabbed the towel from your shoulder and wiped his face and neck, tossing it in the hamper in the corner. He looked around at the other prospects, watching them talk and laugh with each other. You felt bad knowing he wouldn’t take that first step. It was understandable, though. You’d gone through the same thing when you started making trips to Korea; you’d been surrounded by people who understood you as much as you understood them, which was not a lot.

After a few minutes, it was time for more testing. You followed the group around the weight room, mostly watching but translating when needed. Everyone’s eyes were on you whenever either of you spoke, but all your attention was on him and whoever was talking to him.

At the end of the day, Chi-won looked like he was about to drop at any moment. You decided to skip the skating and brought him back to the apartment, using the work phone since it could connect to data. He dozed in the car, his face finally relaxed. You’d never noticed how much tension was there until now. Between the stress of getting past this camp and not knowing what anyone was saying, his head was probably spinning.

When you entered the apartment, Chi-won immediately headed to his room to nap. There was a note from Tyler and Cat that they’d gone to run errands, leaving you alone. You tried to FaceTime your parents, but neither of them answered. You knew the others were rehearsing, so you called Mark, but he didn’t answer either. Feeling dejected, you headed to your room and sat in the armchair. You looked out the window and watched the world below, a sudden flashback to the day you and Jaemin were sitting in the mall’s food court. Your heart ached at the thought of one of the happiest days of your life, knowing there was a chance it was all over.

///

It was the last day of the four-day camp for prospects. You wobbled onto the ice as you tried to skate closer to Chi-won. He looked over and rolled his eyes before skating over, grabbing your arm, and dragging you to the group. A few of the players laughed, but you didn’t care. You would be laughing too if you’d seen it.

Yesterday, they’d run drills, so you got to see Chi-won on the ice for the first time, and you could see why he was their first-round pick the year before. However, the true test was the scrimmage scheduled for today. Drills could be run over and over until you got it right, but in a game if you made a mistake there was no going back.

Once the teams were split, Chi-won helped you to the bench. You could hear your personal phone ring with a FaceTime call, but you ignored it. It was most likely Jeno, calling to talk to you before he finally went to bed. He loved to call you before he went to bed, which annoyed Jaemin whenever you were on a call with your boyfriend. You wished you could answer, since you hadn’t had much interaction with anyone. You mostly translated back at the apartment, leaving you craving to talk to someone, but you felt too awkward talking to Tyler and Cat.

The scrimmage was exhilarating to even just watch. Chi-won was fast, despite how large he was. He wove through players, making fantastic plays. His stick work was quick, and he seemed to know where his teammates were, making passes without looking. There was no doubt in your mind that they were keeping him, but seeing the looks on the coaches faces made it that much better. Chi-won played fairly, probably too much; he always passed the puck for a goal instead of taking a chance himself.

During a break, Coach Sturm was going over a couple plays to Chi-won’s team. You translated as fast as you could, trying your best to make it sound clear and right. Hockey pretty much had its own language, so you assumed it was working when he nodded along. As he was about to head back onto the ice, you grabbed his attention.

“Shoot the fucking puck, man. You’ve made plenty of great passes. They want to see what you’re capable of.”

His eyes widened, but he nodded and bumped your held-out fist before skating back to the face-off. You watched the puck drop, and the game was on. Your eyes never left the player you were there for, his form zipping across the ice with a breakaway. He was denied, but you could tell there was a fire lit under his ass. There were still amazing passes, but he was taking shots on goal more. The goalie was just unbelievably good at his job,

There wasn’t much time left in the scrimmage when Chi-won was skating towards the goal, him against two defensemen. His feet moved in a way you couldn’t explain, and he slipped past the opposing players, taking a shot on goal. You nearly jumped with joy as it flew past the goalie’s shoulder, and you didn’t miss the smile on his face as he celebrated with his teammates.

At the end of the day, Chi-won was asked to dinner with some of the other prospects. He nodded his head with a grin, so they told you the restaurant. Your phone connected to the Bluetooth as you were typing it into the map, and “My First and Last” immediately started playing through the speakers. Chi-won sent a look your way but said nothing.

The other players made sure you and Chi-won had seats next to each other so you could easily translate for him. They asked him questions about his life in Korea and his teammates. He talked about his family, his girlfriend Eun-ji, and his friends. You were learning more about him by doing your job rather than conversing with him yourself. You could feel something heavy settle in your chest as they all talked to each other, only looking to you when you translated.

When you were back at the apartment, Chi-won collapsed onto the couch. You sat in an armchair and stared at the ceiling, thoughts of Jaemin running through your head. It’d been five days since you last heard from him, and you were still hesitant to reach out. He was probably in the same boat, but what if he didn’t want to hear from you? What if your relationship was over and you didn’t know it? You hadn’t talked to the other boys about it, not wanting to drag them into your drama.

“You’re thinking too loud,” Chi-won complained.

“Sorry,” you said quietly. “How do you think camp went?”

“I think I did well. My whole body hurts, though. I wish Eun-ji was here. She gives amazing back massages. I would be in constant pain if it wasn’t for her. I’m definitely the luckiest guy in the world.”

That’s what Jaemin tells me. “Is she gonna be starting college this fall?”

He nodded. “She wants to study sports medicine, so she’ll be studying at Seoul University. I’m so proud of her.”

You looked at the time on your phone before realizing that it was your work one. Your personal phone was still in your duffel, which was in the car. Cursing under your breath, you rushed downstairs and grabbed your phone from the bag.

Jaemin💕: 3 missed FaceTime video calls

Shit. Just in case your relationship wasn’t fragile enough, you’d missed three calls from him. It was the first time either one of you had tried reaching out since you stormed out of the dorms in tears. Worried, you headed inside and returned to the apartment as fast as possible. You tried calling Jaemin back, but he wasn’t picking up. It was about ten in the morning where he was, and he never slept in too much no matter what time he’d gone to bed, so you knew he was ignoring you. Trying again, you cursed and swallowed around the lump in your throat. He finally picked up, and he was not happy.

“Hey,” you said as you moved to your room.

“Hey. Where were you?” he asked.

“We were at camp, and then we went to dinner after,” you explained.

His eyebrows raised. “You went to dinner?”

“Yeah.”

“Was it a date?”

Your eyes widened in shock. “What the fuck, Jaemin? Of course it wasn’t a date! Why the hell would you ask that?”

“I mean, you did say you didn’t know how this would affect our relationship,” he snapped.

“That doesn’t mean I would cheat on you. God, do you really think that low of me?” You could feel the sting behind your eyes of tears forming, but you tried to hold them back.

“I don’t know what to think anymore, Y/N. You waited until the day before you were leaving to tell me about it—”

“I didn’t have a choice, and you know it!” you exclaimed. “You know what? I’m done. I can’t do this right now.”

You hung up and threw your phone across the room, muffling sobs into your hands. Being here, having the job you’ve worked towards the past year, it was supposed to be exciting, yet you were dealing with possibly the worst heartbreak yet, and you didn’t even know if there was a relationship to salvage anymore.

Your phone was ringing with a FaceTime call from Jisung, but you ignored it. He couldn’t see you like this; even though you were partially in the wrong in the fight, he would completely lose it and attack Jaemin. You didn’t want to be the cause of something happening to NCT Dream. It would have to stay to yourself, just like everything else about your life.

///

You’d been in America for two weeks, and you were absolutely miserable. You didn’t talk to the boys as much, ignoring some of their calls so that when you did answer, there was too much to talk about for you to think about Jaemin during the calls. You hadn’t talked to him since your last argument, and you didn’t know what to do. Jisung didn’t now, but it was clear he was suspicious of something. You just wanted to go home, but Chi-won had to stay in California for more training and practice. He’d been invited to training camp in September, so it was easier for him to just stay here until he knew his future with the team post-camp.

Chi-won’s English was improving a little, but it was clear he wasn’t confident in himself. Learning a language was hard, and English was one of the most difficult. From conjunctions to words sounding the same but being spelled different to even the sentence structure, you didn’t blame him for feeling self-conscious and frustrated. You had talked to Jisung, and he’d agreed to speak with Chi-won.

“Chi-won, can you come here for a minute?” you called out.

He walked into the living room, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He looked at your phone, jaw dropping when he saw Jisung on the screen. You held it out and said, “My brother wants to talk to you.”

He took the phone, sending a glance your way before looking back at Jisung. You moved to the kitchen to make breakfast, giving the boys some privacy. You could hear Jisung’s laugh through the tiny speaker, and it made your heart ache. Not seeing him every day felt like torture. You were so used to talk to him every day, but the both of you were too busy with your jobs, not to mention that you were still unsure of what the others knew about you and Jaemin.

As you were making some fried eggs, Chi-won joined you, holding your phone out with Jisung still on the screen. The hockey player sent a look that told you there would be a conversation later, and then he disappeared to his room. You looked at Jisung and smiled, asking him how it went. He said it went well, that Chi-won seemed to really listen to what he’d had to say. A door had opened behind him, and Chenle walked into the room. His face lit up when he saw you, and he ran over and jumped on Jisung’s back.

“Y/N! I haven’t talked to you in so long,” he said, suddenly pouting.

“I know, I’m sorry. Prospect camp was crazy, and I’ve been busy with teaching Chi-won English,” you replied. “I wish you guys were here. You’d love it.”

“We’ll have to visit sometime. Jisung, we gotta head to bed. We have practice tomorrow morning,” he said.

“Sleep well, you two,” you said with a smile.

“Love you!” they shouted, and then the call ended.

You finished breakfast and called for Chi-won. He joined you in the kitchen, taking his plate from you without a word. The two of you sat at the breakfast bar, eating in silence. Tyler and Cat were in Canada for a wedding, so you were alone with him. You waited for him to say something, anything, but he didn’t. Instead, he washed the dishes and went back to his room. He returned a few minutes later in workout clothes, so you changed into your own outfit and silently followed him to the gym downstairs. He started out on the bike while you went to the treadmill, starting a light jog.

After a few minutes, Chi-won said, “So, your brother is Park Jisung.”

“Yup. Has been for ten years,” you panted.

“I didn’t even know he had a sister.”

“No one does. It’s too dangerous.”

“That must suck. I can’t imagine keeping my sister a secret,” he said.

“Seeing him live his dream makes it all worth it. Besides, once I’m living here permanently, we’ll be able to tell everyone who I am.”

///

Getting out of bed was harder and harder as each day passed. You could feel yourself settle into a deep and heavy depression. and it seemed like the people you were living with were concerned. You never felt hungry, you were having trouble finding the motivation to shower, and you were ignoring every call that popped up on your phone.

There was a knock on your door before Cat poked her head in. You glanced at her before turning your attention back to the window. She sat in the armchair and leaned on her elbows, sending a smile your way.

“So, Chi-won and Tyler talked to the team, and they decided that if you want, you can go back to Korea until it’s time for training camp,” she told you.

You sat up slowly and asked, “What?”

“We can all tell how homesick you are, and Chi-won said that you had an argument with someone that sounded like your boyfriend. They have a back-up translator, so you can go home for a little bit,” she explained.

“He told you all that?”

“Well, he used an app to translate, but yes.”

Leaping out of bed, you hugged her tightly, mentally thanking yourself for having showered that morning. She laughed and hugged you back before telling you to start packing. You started throwing your things into suitcases and your duffel bag as she left, and tears started streaming down your face in happiness.

You hugged Tyler and Chi-won in thanks before rushing to the airport, not wanting to stay in America any more than you had to. You called your parents and Jisung once you had a ticket purchased, and they promised to keep it a secret. Jisung was practically vibrating in his seat once he heard the news, and you couldn’t wait to hug your family again.

Somehow, you managed to sleep on the flight. When you landed, it was about three in the afternoon. You raced towards your family as soon as you spotted them, leaping into Jisung’s arms. He lifted you up and squeezed tight, as if you would disappear if he let go. You then hugged your parents, not afraid to let the tears fall down your cheeks.

“I missed you guys so much,” you sobbed.

“We missed you too, sweetheart,” you dad said.

When you were home, you took a couple hours to settle in before taking Jisung with you to the dorms. Not only did you have some boys to surprise, but there was a certain boy with blue bangs you needed to speak to. Jisung seemed to be excited to be on the other end of the surprise.

As you walked into the building, your stomach twisted into a giant knot. You didn’t know how Jaemin was going to react. Before you could dwell on it too much, Jisung opened the door to the Dream dorm. Jeno and Haechan were playing video games in the living area, but they stopped immediately when they looked at you.

“Sunshine!” Jeno shouted. He threw the controller on the couch and ran over, scooping you into a bear hug.

“What are you doing here?” Haechan asked as you managed to pry away from Jeno to hug him.

“They let me come back home until training camp starts,” you explained. “Where are the others?”

“They’re in their rooms. Jaemin’s napping, but Renjun and Chenle are playing PUBG,” Jeno explained. “It’s good to have you back. Jaemin’s been moping every since you left.”

So they didn’t know. “I’ll go see Renjun and Chenle first. Jaemin must be really tired if he’s napping.”

You walked down the hallway and quietly stepped into Renjun and Chenle’s room. They were too busy looking at their phones to notice, so you sat by Renjun and asked how he was doing. He glanced at you and then did a double take before tackling you to the bed. Chenle complained, but when he looked up a screech left his mouth instead as he piled on top. They started asking you a bunch of questions at once, but you shushed them and explained why you were home. Chenle didn’t want to let go, but you explained that Jaemin didn’t know yet.

Jaemin looked so peaceful as he slept. You could just stand there and watch until he woke up, but the conversation needed to be had sooner than later. Quietly closing the door, you walked over and sat on the bed as gentle as possible. Your fingers carded through his hair, pushing it away from his forehead. He sighed in his sleep, melting under your touch. You called out his name lightly, but he didn’t stir. You tried a couple more times, and his eyes finally opened. He stared at you for about ten seconds before grabbing you. You were suddenly thrown on the bed, and he pinned your arms down before kissing you.

Kissing Jaemin felt like a dream, especially after what you two’d been going through the past few weeks. He pressed kiss after kiss to your lips, finally pulling away with a frown.

"I’m really sorry for how I acted the past couple times we talked. I trust you, and I support your career,” he said.

“I forgive you. God, I forgive you. I’ve been so miserable the past few weeks. I should’ve tried harder to tell you sooner than when I had.”

“Let’s just forget this, okay?”

“Deal.”

He leaned down to press your lips together again, not leaving any space between your bodies. He trailed kisses down your neck, sucking a mark into your skin at the base of your throat. When he moved back to your face, he whispered, “I love you.”

That was the first time either of you had ever said those words. Whenever the two of you were together, there was a good chance another Dreamie was with you, so actual dates were rare, which meant that neither of you felt like it was the right time to say them. However, the past three weeks, had proven that it didn’t matter how much time was spent alone.

“I love you too.”

It was about half an hour before you two emerged from the room. The others made fun of the hickeys that were all over your necks, but in that moment you didn’t care. You and Jaemin were more than okay, and that was all that mattered to you.

Thanks for the tag @bobasheebaby 😘

Rules: Happiest story you’ve written / Saddest story you’ve written / Best love story you’ve written / Best angst story you’ve written / Best fluff story you’ve written / Story you’ve written with the biggest twist / Story you’ve written with the most evil character(s) / Story you’ve written with the most surprising character / Most popular story you’ve written (series and/or one shot). Tag or send to others to play along!

Happiest story you’ve written

That's hard... I think it's Making New Memories. Seeing Logan as a kid with a rough start in life, who didn’t like Christmas, giving the holidays another chance because he actually has someone to share this time with is my fictional Christmas miracle ❤️

Saddest story you’ve written

Sheesh... I swear I thought this would be easier to answer lmao. Anyway, I'll pick Daphne’s scandal because her story is the one that made cry the most in the writing process. Ngl, I’m a crybaby, but at some point, I had to stop writing and editing because I had constant headaches from crying too much and insomnia. I also have to add Leo's perspective of Constantine's death and funeral and Liam coping with his father's death as honorable mentions.

Best love story you’ve written

I wanna say Jade and Liam's drama during To (Secretly) Love You, but it's hard to ignore Daphne falling in love with Hamid every chapter in Meant to Be, Carla and Logan's reunion. Ugh, I'm so bad at this! 😓

Best angst story you’ve written

The Five Stages. I used to have fun torturing Drake 😏 Honorable mention to Jax and Samantha’s “breakup chapters” in Wanted.  

Best fluff story you’ve written

OMG I don't know! I write a lot of fluff, I can't choose just one! I'm failing so hard in this tag game 😫 I'll cheat and choose three in no particular order: Home because domestic fluff for Logan is the best; Family Addition because it’s funny and the ending is adorable; and Sweetest Intervention - Part 2 because Daphne and Hamid are my cuteness overload OTP and this chapter is pure fluff.

Story you’ve written with the biggest twist

En Garde, I think. The last scenes are quite thrilling.

Story you’ve written with the most evil character(s)

I mostly write characters with questionable attitudes, not really villains. I do have three potential villains, they're part of Meant To Be AU series, but there isn't any clear evidence they are villains. For now, they’re just selfish and cunning, sometimes ruthless, but give them time 😈

Story you’ve written with the most surprising character

I think writing Leo is pretty surprising to me. He's know for his rebellious side, but he has this soft spot for his family that keeps him grounded and gives more depth to his character. And I have to mention Jade and Daphne. All my MCs have their own backstories, but Jade’s and Daphne’s personalities diverge a lot from canon TRR MC and D&D MC, which helps me explore themes that go beyond their canon stories.

Most popular story you’ve written (series and/or one shot)

On AO3, it's Wanted because it has the biggest number of views and kudos. On Tumblr, it's hard to say... I wish I knew how to make Google Statistics work here. But I think it's Liam and Jade's Love Story. It’s the series with biggest number of notes and it’s the only story that eventually get likes and reblogs on chapters I wrote over two years ago.

Good Lord, this was hard! Good luck doing this @missameliep @thequeenchoices @noesapphic @troublemakerinspace @princessstellaris @clansayeed 😆

50 Questions Tag

I was tagged by @sapphirebluemt thank you lovely! 💛💕 I'm doing this while very tired (literally 5am) and on my phone, so uh... If I don't save draft and proof read beforehand please bear with me!

1. What takes too much of your time?

Day dreaming and worrying. So much worrying...

2. What makes your day better?

Knowing that I'm cared for and appreciated by someone who means a lot to me. And food 😅

3. What's the best thing that happened to you today?

One of the horses at our rescue followed me around the pasture the entire time I was out there and I'd be damned if I didn't melt! Mayhaps I really missed working on a farm 🤗

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

Questions like these are hard cause I'm over here like okay the maze runner universe would be pretty dope, but what about shadow hunters! Oof wHat AboUt TeEN WoLf!! The possibilities are endless! :0

5. Are you good at giving advice?

Mm yeah, sometimes. Other times I feel like my advice is complete shit lmao.

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Depression and Anxiety, both diagnosed.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Yeah, shit can be terrifying ngl! 😞

8. What musician inspired you the most?

I feel like Shawn Mendes really inspired me the most. I know there's a good handful of people that became famous from song covers on YouTube and all that, but I really like the way Shawn Mendes has stuck to him and his guitar for the most part, especially on tour. His voice is something relaxing and unique that I can get behind. And he's such a down to earth person, I'd love to meet him sometime and tell him he's doing amazing and how much he's helped me through his music!

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

Yeah, you know how it goes 😶

10. What's your dream date?

Honestly? Roadtripping to the desert or anywhere that's far from light pollution and spending a night under the stars. Just talking and tangled in each other, sometimes just staying silent and listening to the sounds of the night around us. Maybe our playlist is playing softly in the background and the campfire we started has burned out hours ago, while we lay on the trucks tailgate admiring the sky. Oof, I'm gonna cry I want this so bad 😭

11. What do others notice about you?

Weirdly, my nose? Literally everyone always talks about my nose! I don't know why but it's kinda weird. And my eyes.

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

Always thinking I'm not good enough. Annoys almost everyone I've met lmao!!!

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Yeah, we talk almost every day! We're still great friends 😊

14. How many ex's do you have?

4. And number 4 was one hell of a joke, holy hell! So 5th times a charm? 🤣

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

Roughly 3200. I'm always adding new music!

16. What instruments can you play?

Guitar, violin (although it's been a while, I'm probably rusty as hell!), a bit of clarinet and a bit of piano. I was learning piano before I left for college, I wish I would've picked it up earlier :(

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

Uhhh.... probably Hyunjin and Wonpil if I'm honest. My phone is just kpop boys n gals and I'm happy with myself 😁

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Back to my roots! I'd love to go to Poland, Hungary, and Wales. And Iceland or Norway just because the landscapes are so beautiful there and I just wanna see it with my own eyes!

19. What is your zodiac?

Taurus 🐮

20. Do you relate to it?

Here and there, yeah. But I can't say I'm a Taurus through and through. Some of the traits that are tied to my sun sign aren't tied to me individually. As example, Possessive is one of them that I am not!

21. What is happiness to you?

To me, happiness is seeing someone else near and dear to your heart smiling and happy themselves. Even if it's not your doing. You're just happy to see them happy!

22. Are you going through anything right now?

A lot, yes. Partially why I haven't been as active on tumblr as I'd like to be.

23. What's the worst decision you've ever made?

Letting people walk all over me because I'm too nice sometimes.

24. What's your favorite store?

Vidlers! I used to go in there a lot when I was a kid and they had this popcorn maker that always made the store smell like fresh popcorn! Ahh that takes me home 😄

25. What's your opinion on abortion?

I think it all depends on the situation. If a young female is raped or wasn't educated properly about safe/protected sex, then I'd say she's more than free to go through with it. But of course, if you're gonna fool around yet know about protected sex, and not use a condom? I think that's your personal problem and you should experience what other mother's who have planned to have kids have gone through. But again, I personally think abortion depends on the situation and shouldn't be the easy way out.

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

Yeah! And the list gets longer and longer and longer....

27. Do you have a favorite album?

Nah, I've got too much music to have a specific favorite album!

28. What do you want for your birthday?

The jackpot 😂 or just to spend time with my parents and see my dogs again! It's been literal months 😣

29. What are most people's first impression of you?

Standoffish because I'm very shy and awkward as hell around strangers.

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

Everyone always thinks I'm older than I really am! I'll be 19 in May but everyone's gonna be like "are you 22?" NO why do you think that?! I FEEL LIKE IM STILL 14!

31. Where do you keep your phone while you're sleeping?

On my nightstand, otherwise I'd lose it between my mattress and headboard 😅

32. What word do you say the most?

I say "Like" so much! I don't even mean to!

33. What's the oldest age you would date?

See, being older doesn't bother me much. I'd probably date a 25 year old if I'm honest (5 years older). I guess I'd just have to feel comfortable enough around them!

34. What's the youngest age you would date?

Probably at lest 16? I don't know, younger is a hard one for me just cause age and bleh!! Maybe 17... two years is better for me personally...

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

All my friends know that I'm good with kids and so I'm instantly suited and qualified to be a teacher?! But I'd rather not cause kids today 😩 I'd probably end up hurting their ego in front of their classmates if they showed me any disrespect lmao. And almost everyone who has heard me sing (like really seriously sing, I'm also a huge dork and purposefully sing off key a lot) have said I could be a singer but I can't sing in front of large crowds so 🤷‍♀️

36. What's your favorite music genre?

Pop or Country, undecided here!

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

Probably Norway or Hungary. I love beautiful landscapes!

38. What is your current favorite song?

Miroh or Boxer from Stray Kids' new album 🤙

39. How long have you had this blog for?

I started it in January, so just about 3 months!

40. What are you excited for?

The weekend, I go back to college classes today and tomorrow 😣

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

I'm 50/50

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Washed the dishes.

43. What do you want for Christmas?

A parrot, lump sum of money, maybe a poodle. Smack me now I'm being greedy lmao

44. What classes do you get the best grades in?

Biochem and Lit

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

2; I want to sleep but can't. Someone just knock me out!

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

29 years old? Stable career, maybe building or buying a house, possibly married although I'm not really worried about that? Maybe in a happy healthy relationship, with a rescue dog or cat.

47. When did you first get your heartbreak?

Year and a half ago.

48. At what age do you want to get married?

As I said before, I don't really care if I marry or not. But if I did find someone I'd want to marry, generally speaking, around 30 would be a good age for me. I'd want to make sure I'm financially stable and happy where I am in my life before taking such a step like marriage.

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

First it was Figure skater, then I wanted to be an Equestrian. I stuck with the animal career cause I wanted to be a vet, and here I am in college for that exact reason!

50. What do you crave right now?

The sweet embrace of death, since sleep would rather screen my calls. That bitch! Insomnia's there for me more than sleep is 😑

Tagging: @janarine @sanflovver @ateeztiny @visualgiggles @jisunday and anyone else who'd like to do this!

Survey #468

“recollect me, darling, raise me to your lips  /  two undernourished egos  /  four rotating hips”

Have you ever seen a queen bee outside its hive? I wouldn't know. What comes to mind first, when I say “indie”? The music genre. Have you ever used Duolingo? I have not. Do you think number 13 is unlucky? No. Do you watch any old films? If so, name a few of your favourites. Through all the years in school and reading classic novels, we would usually watch the movie afterwards, so I've seen a good number and understand why they're classics, like The Outsiders, A Raisin in the Sun, Steel Magnolias... Who are some of your classic era film actors and actresses, if any? I don't know enough, honestly. Do you have any novelty ice cube trays? No. What radio station do you most often listen to? I don't listen to the radio. Have you ever been in a Catholic confessional? Yes, because I was raised Roman Catholic, and it was routine to go occasionally. Those things are so awful. Who was the last non-relative you rode in a vehicle with? Oh wow, I don't know. What movie are you looking forward to coming out? HOCUS POCUS 2!!!!!!!!!!!!! :') What color was the hair of the last person you kissed? HAHAHA he's gonna fuckin hate me for this. He has black hair, but with a bit of gray throughout already. What letter does your last name begin with? D. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yep. Do you regret it? Nah. Who was the last person to buy you a drink? You're talking like, a drink drink? In which case, my mother. Who was the last person to buy you dinner? Girt. How old is the oldest person you’ve dated? Idk exactly how old Juan is, but he's probably the oldest? Of the ages I actually remember, that'd be Girt; he'll be 28 next month. Have you ever found a bug in your food? omg noooooo Do you ever read things you wrote as a kid? What were you like? Fuck no, I'd cringe into oblivion. Your boyfriend's birthday is coming up, and you’re totally broke. What do you do? ... Was this written directed at me??? lmao I'm thinking of just trying to draw 2B from Nier: Automata since she's to him what Pyramid Head is to me, ha ha. Would you be content to turn out just like your mom? In most ways, no. If you could pick one topic for everyone in your country to learn more about, what would you pick? Uhhh... Well, it'd be boring as all fuck hell, but I guess politics. Be actually educated on what's going on in the country and vote more wisely. How do you feel about people your age having children? I'm 25. It's normal, and advisable before 30 anyway before the risk of birth defects and problematic pregnancies rise. When was the last time you were at a park? Jeez... the very beginning of this year, I wanna say? I was taking family pictures for someone. Do you feel like going to funerals helps you in the grieving process? I haven't been to nearly enough to know. Especially as an adult. How do you feel about the whole organic food craze? I'm not educated enough on this to have a proper opinion. Who was the last person you heard snore? My mom, at some point. Is there a TV show you’ve wanted to start watching but never gotten around to? Even though I don't really watch TV, there are some I'm interested in, like The Witcher. Have you ever worn something out in public that made other people stare at you? Oh god, I would avoid that so hard, so probably not. Do you ever make an effort to look stylish or fashionable? Or do you not care about that? I really don't care. I wear what's comfortable. When was the last time you were in denial about something? What about? Idk. Have you ever worn fake eyelashes? If not, would you ever try wearing them? No, but I probably will for my hypothetical wedding. Is there any certain style of architecture you really enjoy? Yeah; Roman, for one. I should be able to list far more, having taken Art History, where architecture played a big part... When’s the last time you made the best of a bad situation? Hm, I dunno. If you watch Parks and Recreation, who is your favorite character? N/A Do you listen to Fall Out Boy? Yeah, they're great. Have you ever been skiing or snowboarding? No. Have you ever forged a note for something at school? No. Are you a YouTube addict? Oh, for sure. I'm always on there. Have you ever found a four leaf clover? Many, actually! It's funny, at our old place, the day my father abandoned my family, I found an actual PATCH of four-leaf clovers right outside. I doubt it meant anything, but it was still cool. From that year on, that spot always had lots of four-leaf ones. Are you good at lighting fires? I wouldn't know. I'm scared to. Name someone who is an excellent listener? Sara. <3 Would you mind living to 100 years old if you were in semi-decent health? Define "semi-decent." If I could still care for myself fine, then sure, I guess? 100 still seems pretty... bold for me, though. How did your parents meet one another? They were co-workers. When's the last time you got heartburn? What do you think caused it? I haven't had it in a while because I have to take a prescription antacid. It's embarrassing to admit, but it's because of my weight; chronic heartburn is common for people of my size. I know for sure that it's the culprit in my case, because when I lost a load of weight? It went away and stayed gone until I started gaining weight back. What's your favorite red fruit? Strawberriessss. Do you enjoy sour candies? If so, which ones? omfg yesssss. Give me like ANY sour candy. Would you want a chance to visit Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory? Ha, it's funny, the first thing that came to mind was hell yeah, so long as I could bring my camera. Can you imagine the photographs? Goddamn right I'd try some candy too, but I'm more interested in the art of it all, really. What is one quirk about each of your parents that you can't stand? Dad is easy: he repeats the FUCK out of himself. Like oh my god. He will cycle a conversation by saying the same exact thing so, so many times. As for Mom... I don't know about a quirk that I can't stand. Have you ever suffered from amnesia before? After I awoke from fainting and receiving a concussion, I did briefly. Like I couldn't remember what happened and was just crying, but it came back to me with time. Do you live with roommates? I live with my mother. Does your body feel older than it actually is? My body feels ancient. Were you always picked last in gym class? I wouldn't say last, but I wasn't a first pick, for sure. Has someone close to you ever passed away from cancer? Pets have. My grandmother died of pancreatic cancer, but we were never close, I'd say. Which form of martial arts would you be most interested in trying? Ngl, I don't know almost any names and what moves they entail. Which type of shoe dominates your wardrobe? Converse. The last time you were high, what was it off of? Never been high. Is there a particular sport you follow on a regular basis? No. Are you waiting for something to arrive in the mail? No. Could you date someone who didn’t drive (and didn’t show an interest in ever getting their license, either)? If they had no interest in getting one, I don't think I could. How would you react if your artwork became famous? Cry. A lot. But in a wonderful way. Have you ever seen an alligator in person? Yeah. I love those lil 'ole dinos. Most instances were at the zoo, but I actually very clearly remember seeing one in a watery ditch following Hurricane Floyd when the local zoo was destroyed. The alligators got out. What does the inside of your shower look like? It's a... normal tub/shower? What primary color is your Christmas tree? It's always green. When I have my own place, I reeeaaaally want a black one with faux snowy tips, white garland, and red ornaments. What is the stupidest thing you’ve done to a friend’s pet? Nothing? Have you ever seen a snake in the road? I have. Have you ever been to the Kentucky Derby? No. Have you ever heard a wolf howl? Not in person, no. When in a race, do you usually win? Ya girl doesn't race. I don't remember if I did any as a kid. Do you get sleepy when you ride in the car? Yes. How is your credit rating? I don't have one. Do you know anyone who lives in Hawaii? Yeah, a cousin of mine. What was the last phone conversation you had about? I was giving someone permission to talk to my mother about some financial stuff. How spicy do you like your food? Spicy, but not as hot as I used to enjoy. I've come to a point where I want to focus more on enjoying the food than the adrenaline of fighting the heat of what I'm eating. When was the last time you were in a very good mood? Two days ago when my boyfriend came over and we were watching some shows together. Who is at your house right now? Just Mom and me. Have you faced any of your fears lately? I mean, it's nothing major at all, but signing myself in and out of doctor appointments gives me anxiety. My mom used to do it for me, but I've been doing it for awhile now. Have you slept next to the last person you kissed? No. We both needed a nap the other day, but we've agreed sleeping together while my nightmares are being figured out is a very bad idea in case I lash out in my sleep and hurt him because I would fucking sob. Has your father met the boy you currently love? Yeah. But not everyone loves boys, you know. Are you closer with your siblings or cousins? Siblings. I barely ever see my cousins because my extended family doesn't live in NC. How many people have you really fell for? Three. Last thing to make you smile? Some stupid meme on Facebook lol. Does the person you like, like you too? Ye! Next event you’ll wear a dress to: Idk. Is there someone in your past you thought you’d never get over, and then did? Believe this shit or not... I haven't been thinking of Jason as much lately. I VERY much doubt I'll ever be totally over him, but I'm very much focused on and into my current boyfriend. How many arguments have you had with the last person you dated? We've actually never argued. Your girlfriend/boyfriend buys you flowers, you say? With our sense of humor, I'd probably say some shit like, "You killed them for me?" in an adoring voice, ha ha. Describe your life in one word? Dull. Did the last person you kiss have a tattoo? No, but he wants a sleeve tattoo AND I AM SO FUCKING FOR IT Were you intoxicated the last time you threw up? Nope.

Okay, like

I dunno

It’s not really shame, I guess. It’s more like...I don’t want to make people uncomfortable?? or god forbid, minimize it all by talking so candidly and openly and kind of jokingly about it. But at the same time it’s one of those awful traumatic things that’s well enough in the past that I can and want to put it into words. And maybe it’ll help someone going through a similar rough patch, I dunno. I dunno! Anyway this is the story of how I almost killed myself 3 years ago.

So about five months before it all went to shit (ngl it was already going to shit, but this is still when I was in sweet, miserable denial), the NYC company I was working for moved offices. We were a small nonprofit and needed to downsize, so now we were sharing a floor with another small company, our two offices connected by the elevator bank and the back hallway where the bathrooms, fire escape, and service elevator were. None of the above information is relevant except for the fire escape, but bear with me lol I’m just setting the scene here.

There was no alarm on the fire escape door, so anyone can pop out for a smoke or a breather. Its tiny landing and stairs didn’t have high railings or anything. Our office was on the 7th floor. Yeah ok now you can probably see where this is going.

Look, I’m a wildly impulsive kind of gal; I genuinely believe that if a situation calls for it, I can and will pop a bitch without hesitation. (Not like in a “hey you mildly inconvenienced me so now I’m gonna beat you up” kind of way, more like in self defense or to protect someone else.) I’ve let the monkey brain steer my stupid body on many occasions with mostly disastrous results, so this particular impulse wasn’t like...too surprising I guess. 

The trigger was my friend telling me that for the past 10 months, he’d been sleeping with the girl I thought I was romantically involved with. And I kinda lost my mind a little.

Mmmmm a lot.

Back then, I had the absolute worst judgment when it came to this particular girl. So when he told me that, I bypassed all rational thought and went straight to “well okay, fuck, no one wants me and life is meaningless so let’s just walk out to the fire escape and jump off,” and impulsive monkey brain was happy to comply. (Yes, I was at work when he told me this, which is like. Okay, I know, I shouln’t have been chatting away while on the clock, blah blah capitalism work culture blah. But it’s not like I could possibly expect him to drop that kind of bomb at 11:30am on a regular-ass Monday morning.) Ironically, the universe aligned on that particular day because the office was closing at 1pm. By the time I was genuinely entertaining the idea of ending my life in the most uncharacteristically flashy way, the work day was over and I lost my exit strategy. Hm. My literal exit strategy. Haha. Anyway.

The feeling didn’t magically go away because I lost access to a high floor, so it was like...I mean I was still pretty fucked up on the bus and when I got home, still kind of looking to end it all. Monkey brain was at the wheel. And the only — literally the ONLY — thought that finally snapped me out of it was how fucking embarrassing it would be literally die over some worthless shithead girl not loving me back. Ok ya it was way more complicated than that but hey that was the gist of it and by god I wasn’t going to have my mother crying over me for killing myself because I got cheated on. Like. I gave that horrid bitch (not my mom, the girl) my life for almost 2 years. I wasn’t gonna give her my premature death. 

So I talked myself down enough, and then my concerned friend called and pulled me completely away from the edge and that was that. Not gonna lie, it was lowkey fascinating just how fast I switched back to “actually no I don’t want to kms, I’m good” like wow? that was the wildest six hours of my life?? Probably aged thirty years that day. 

And obviously finding out that she was cheating on me was for the best in the long run; I would’ve been hung up on her probably forever if something like that hadn’t made me nope outta there (and almost out of life) permanently. And yes, while it sucks that I went through one at all, I’m pretty grateful that the immediate, suicidal reaction to that news only lasted a few hours and was quickly dispelled with like, an ounce of common sense. Recovering from it, of course, wasn’t easy and I’m still clearly affected by what she put me through.......and probably will be for the rest of my life lmao. Which sucks, but like. At least I’m here to have a rest of a life. 

There’s really no point to this story tbh. It’s kind of like? getting it off my chest? putting it out there? Because while I make as many self-deprecating and self-destructive jokes as the next millennial, sometimes I have to stop and be like “whoa, there was a hot second in my life when this wasn’t a joke” and speedrun through the five stages of grief before remembering what I’m currently saying really is a joke. Yes, I need therapy. Mind your business. 

It’s just....cathartic, in a way. Looking back on where I was on this day three years ago, which was both a long time and a short while, and seeing how much I’ve grown from then. How much happier I am. How much I prioritize myself now. 

I dunno. I’m really living my best life right now and I’m glad I stuck around for it. That’s all, I guess.  

// first post in forever and you can read how I’ve realised that I’ve asked for help just around the right time

Firstly I just want to say how proud I am of Dan and the band for making such a mature decision and how much I appreciate them as a band and as people. I fully stand by their decision and anyone who says anything bad will have me on their backs bcos the band is so pure and mean the world to me.

I’ve spent the last day wanting to cry and I just want to try and explain why rf pulling out of slam dunk (and other tours/shows) has affected me so much.

Also before I start I want to point out that personally, I think listening to music is a healthy coping mechanism, however listening to music while simultaneously locking yourself in your room and distancing yourself from everyone isn’t.

I can’t remember how I came across the band or when, I wish I could say the clouds parted and the world was brighter and everything finally made sense, but I can’t which upsets me bcos they mean so much and have made such an impact in my life I wish I could say when I found them. I finally got to see them at slam dunk 2016 and cried through the whole set (in the good way obvs), I also saw Dan outside before and didn’t go up to him which I majorly regret but at the same time I don’t bcos I would have just made a fool out of myself and would have probs just cried lmao. I then got tickets when they toured a couple of years ago which I was so pumped for (and also so pumped to cry through the whole set again) then it came to the night and I got so scared and I didn’t end up going, which still to this day I hate myself for so badly. This was going to be my second time (should have been third) seeing them and I couldn’t wait and I’d be lying if I didn’t say they were the only reason I was going to Slam Dunk this year.

I never really understood the whole idea of a band being the reason you’re alive (apart from twy but I started listening to them around the same time as rf) until I listened to rf. I never expected myself to find something that means so much to me that don’t really know/care about me, but somehow every song I listen to I relate to so much. I remember when my mh would be spiralling and I’d listen to sixteen on repeat for weeks and I’d listen to nothing else apart from rf and hotel books and I’d lock myself in my bedroom and do nothing but wallow away. I also remember when I’d come out the other side and listen to rf and twy and see the positivity in them and realise what I’d managed to pull myself through.

Last week I self referred myself (again) and I’m waiting to hear back and finally get some therapy to try and find a healthy way of dealing with my mh (bcos amazingly ignoring it/just locking myself in my room and listening to music isn’t the healthiest way of coping), and seeing Dan tweet about therapy pushed me into it bcos it made me realise that it is okay not to be okay (as cliche as that is omg). But I use rf (and other bands, actually I say this as I’ve got ‘Get By’ playing on repeat so it’s defo mostly rf) as a coping mechanism and there was some part of me that believed that seeing them at slam dunk would mean everything’s going to be fine and that I’m doing great but them pulling out has thrown me into the realisation that I’m probs not doing the best and all I’m doing I’m numbing myself through listening to music way too loud (and other ways ngl). I just wanted to jump around to the band surrounded by people who want to do the same and pretend that everything was okay.

So I guess in a way the reason it’s affected me so much is bcos my coping mechanism has been taken away (or at least one of them have) and that’s the reason all I want to do today is cry and lock myself in my room (and listen to their music so loud my neighbours come round and ask me if I’m okay bcos I’ve been listening to the same song on repeat for 2 hours)

All the TMI questions! I can't wait to get to know you as well! - Secret Santa

Sorry for answering this so late, friend! I’ve had things come up that I’ve needed to deal with which has been just ugh…

Anyway, I am here now to give you the answers to all your burning questions ;)

I hope your December is going okay! 

1: What are you wearing?

Black and white striped turtleneck, black trousers, black blazer…. I like black okay…

2: Ever been in love?

Yep. It’s a nice feeling :)

3: Ever had a terrible breakup?

Two breakups ago, it ended in a terrible, suicidal breakdown on my part, while he got on with his life. It was great. 

4: How tall are you?

5′…

5: How much do you weigh?

Around 9 stone, I think

6: Any tattoos do you want?

ALL OF THEM. In all siriusness though, I want a Canis Major on my left upper arm, the ending lyrics to Far Away by Nickelback (Keep breathing, cause I’m not leaving you anymore; believe it, hold on to me and never let me go) on my right upper arm because that’s my damn favourite song, a bunch of HP tats, you know what I just want to be inked all over

7: Any piercings that you want?

I’m debating on whether I want my nose done…

8: OTP?

I have many, but Wolfstar, Drarry, and Captain Swan are my top three…

9: Favorite Show?

Probably Lucifer. 

10: Favorite bands?

Nickelback, always number 1. Seether is great too though ngl

11: Something you miss?

Being happy. Being carefree. Having impeccable mental health. My only worry being missing the programmes on TV before school. I miss my entire childhood, is what I’m trying to say. A time when I wasn’t told to kill myself by my own mother. A time when I felt loved by my parents. A time when I wasn’t a disappointment. A time when I wanted to stay alive.

12: Favorite song?

Right now it’s All Too Well by Taylor Swift, but my all time favourite song is Far Away by Nickelback

13: How old are you?

17

14: Zodiac sign?

Cancer

15: Hair Color?

Black

16: Favorite Quote?

‘Until the very end’ - James Fleamont Potter

17: Favorite singer?

Taylor Swift. Shoot me. I don’t care.

18: Favorite color?

Probably green

19: Loud music or soft?

So loud it’s almost like I’m not thinking

20: Where do you go when you’re sad?

Into my brain where I get even more sad….

21: How long does it take you to shower?

Typically 10 minutes, but when I’m depressed I like to drown out everything with the gush of water so probably like an hour.

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Not more than 15 minutes

23: Ever been in a physical fight?

With myself, many times.

24: Turn on?

Things… ;)

25: Turn off?

My life.

26: The reason I joined Tumblr? 

For Johnlock, unfortunately… *sigh*

27: Fears?

Losing the people that make me happy, always having to be around people that hurt me.

28: Last thing that made you cry?

My mom…. how depressing is that?

29: Last time you cried?

This morning, as soon as I woke up, thanks to my mother. Yep.

30: Meaning behind your url

Christmas!

31: Last book you read?

I can’t remember, it’s been so long since I picked up a book *sobs*

32: Last song you listened to?

All Too Well by Taylor Swift

33: Last show you watched?

Lucifer, I think

34: Last person you talked to?

Physically, my dad

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?

my partner @deer-irony (ilysm

36: Favorite food?

Probably lasagne 

37: Place you want to visit?

Idk, probably my bed

38: Last place you were?

At home, unfortunately

39: Do you have a crush?

Yeah, my relationship would get very awkward if I didn’t lmao

40: Last time you kissed someone?

Years ago. Thanks distance, ly2 

41: Last time you were insulted and what was it?

This morning, ‘you’re an idiot who’s never going to get anywhere in life’ 

42: What colour underwear are you wearing?

Blue, lmao

43: What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black and white

44: What colour bottoms are you wearing?

Black

45: Wearing any bracelets?

Nope

46: Last sport you played?

Fuck knows, haven’t touched a sport since 2015

47: Last song you sang?

Love Story by Taylor Swift

48: Last prank call you remember doing?

Oh, it was years ago. I can’t remember omfg

49: Last time you hung out with anyone?

With my best friend this lunchtime

50: Favorite movie?

Definitely, Maybe (2008) dir. Adam Brooks

Thanks for tagging me @suchaverageverywow  !! <3

THE LAST…

1. Drink: Flat Dr. Pepper

2. Phone call: My boyfriend before cos I was checking he wasn’t dead (he wasn’t just ill)

3. Text message: My boyfriend again, this time talking about cheesy garlic bread

4. Song you listened to: Sweat - The All-American Rejects

5. Time you cried: Sunday night because I thought about my Guinea Pig that died a couple of months ago. I’m sad af. But also, I’m adopting this cute fluffy black one hopefully soon!! So I will stop crying.

HAVE YOU EVER…

6. Dated someone twice: This is the second time I’ve ‘dated’ my bf but the first time was very short and we broke it off because of my anxiety issues. We decided to stay friends and get to know each other, before, eventually after a year, we decided we should get back together (because I love him still).

7. Been cheated on: No, thankfully

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: No, actually.

9. Lost someone special: Not unless you count the Guinea Pig from before^^

10. Been depressed: Well everyone feels depressed from time to time but I would not say I am depressed.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: I threw up last week but that may not have been the alcohol, I feel, but I dunno it also could have been... I think I ate too much tbh.

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

12. Red

13. Pink (though it’s just a lighter shade of red innit)

14. Black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15. Made new friends: Yes, especially my friendo Jasmin I would say, who I’ve made really good friends with this year :))

16. Fallen out of love: No

17. Laughed until you cried: I laugh at everything, yes definitely. My friend fell off her chair today trying to kick the boy in front of her and I nearly cried.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: No...

19. Met someone who changed you: Literally every person tbh

20. Found out who your true friends are: Yes... I already knew but I think it became more prominent and I realised I didn’t have to bother with them as much.

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Well yeah, I have my bf on Facebook so...

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Pretty much all, I don’t add internet friends on Facebook. I dunno why, I don’t really use it that much tbh.

23. Do you have any pets: Miso is my fish (his counterpart was called Sushi because I’m hilarious) and I may be adopting a Guinea Pig this weekend which is called Bella!

24. Do you want to change your name: Nah

25. What did you do for your last birthday: Nothing. My best friend tried to throw me a mini surprise party but no one wanted to come :(

26. What time did you wake up: 6:30 kill me, I felt like death.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping

28. Name something you cannot wait for: Summer, I go on holiday for a few weeks and then get to spend the rest of the time asleep or with my boyfriend. Or preferably, both.

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: Twenty minutes ago when I had tea (I’m hiding in my room now)

30. What is the one thing you wish you could change about your life: I suppose the only thing I’d want to do now is be rid of my anxiety... ngl apart from that, stuff is okay. Or you know, become rich.

31. What are you listening to right now: Where The Lines Overlap - Paramore

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: There is a Tom in a few of my classes, he’s okay but v annoying and keeps wondering why he doesn’t get laid (spoiler: it’s because he is annoying)

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: How fucking tired I am and how my bf isn’t here to give me cuddles until I fall asleep ahhh :(

34. Most visited website: At the moment, Youtube, Tumblr and Crunchyroll, is all I use tbh lmao.

35. Elementary: Kinda miss that, I left like 4 years ago now wtf (I presume this is the American version of Primary school?)

36. High School: I’m about to go into the last year and I’m pumped for that. I’ve actually had a good year too.

37. College/university: I wanna go to University hopefully...

38. Hair colour: Blonde naturally and also now dyed 

39. Long or short hair: Medium but I’m gonna get it cut fairly short (on or above my shoulders) soon

40. Do you have a crush on someone: Harry Styles, Michael Clifford, Gerard Way, Cole Sprouse, Dan Howell and Phil Lester, Awsten Knight... and I guess my boyfriend is okay looking too.

41. What do you like about yourself: I just want everyone to be happy and to make people happy :(

42. Piercings: Standard ear lobe

43. Blood type: No idea, I wanna know too 

44. Nickname: Jess(?) or Sugarmuffin if you’re my bf eww

45. Relationship status: In a relationship for the first time. Ever.

46. Zodiac sign: Virgo

47. Pronouns: She/her

48. Favourite TV show: OKAY I’M REALLY STOKED FOR THE SECOND SEASON OF STRANGER THINGS SO I’M GONNA SAY THAT RN.

49. Tattoos: None

50. Right or left hand: Right

FIRST…

51. Surgery: I haven't had any (thankfully?)

52. Piercing: Standard ear lobe was done in the summer of 2013 I think

54. Sport: Swimming probably

55. Vacation: I think we went Menorca when I was very young??? Idk if it was the first but one of the very very first

56. Pair of trainers: Baby trainers I guess, fuck knows

57. Eating: ?? idk

58. Drinking: These questions are confusing is it asking me for the first thing I ever drank? mate, probably my Mother’s milk help

59. I’m about to: Fall asleep probably

60. Listening to: How Do You Feel? - The Maine

61. Waiting for: Death

62. Want: DEATH

63. Get married: Yeah I totally wanna get married

64. Career: I don’t have one and honestly fuck knows what I’m gonna do

YOUR TYPE…

65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs and kisses... OKAY HUGS

66. Lips or eyes: Eyes

67. Shorter or taller: Someone taLLER PLS. I need to be protected.

68. Older or younger: My bf is younger than me but idc. I’d probably choose older if given the option but it doesn’t really matter.

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Stomach?

71. Sensitive or loud: My bf is both lmao. I prefer it when he is being sensitive though sometimes xx

72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship omg

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Both depending on the situation. It’s probably better if they’re more of a troublemaker because I’m not!

HAVE YOU EVER…

74. Kissed a stranger: No!

75. Drank hard liquor: Not hard liquor

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Nope

77. Turned someone down: I had to politely turn down this girl who asked me out because I’m straight :(

78. Sex on first date: Fuck off

79. Broken someone’s heart: No 

80. Had your heart broken: No

81. Been arrested: No

82. Cried when someone died: My Guinea Pig?? does that count??

83. Fallen for a friend: MY BF IS MY BFF NGL YES

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84. Yourself: Her? Fuck no

85. Miracles: Not really... maybe a little

86. Love at first sight: Yes, though it doesn’t always need to happen that way for it to be love

87. Santa Claus: He is real? I’ve met him multiple times

88. Kiss on the first date: Maybe if you know the person well enough beforehand

89. Angels: I’m living proof baby no

OTHER…

90. Current best friend’s name: Sarah

91. Eye colour: Blue 

92. Favourite movie: SO MANY. I’m gonna say Howl’s Moving Castle for now