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faofinn · 7 months

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28. "I should've stayed home"

Part 1 | Part 2

Tom looked up at her, catching the urgency in her tone. He reached to rub at Finn’s chest, knuckles on bare skin. "Finn, come on, take a breath. You can do it."

"He's not going to, is he?" She murmured.

"I've got the BVM. Do you want to update them and get the pads on?" Tom asked, swapping the masks over. "There we go, that's getting air entry there. Sats are coming back up. Should we intubate?"

Fao bit his lip, feeling his stomach twist. This wasn’t uncommon for Finn, but it wasn’t good. It was the end of their holiday, that was for certain, and they were desperately far away from their safety net. They had all his paperwork with them, management plans and everything, but it was still worrying.

He forced himself to take a deep breath, wishing Finn could do the same.

Finn ended up intubated, crit care travelling with them to keep him sedated and stable. While Sheila travelled with them, Fred and Fao had to follow in the car behind them. With the severity of the situation, they pre-alerted him in, travelling on blues and treating with diesel. It was straight through to resus when they arrived, teams swarming around Finn. As awful as it sounded, Sheila was glad Finn was sedated, he'd have been unable to cope with the fuss and everything on top of him. He was quickly sent for scans, thankfully stable enough to go to CT, but Sheila couldn't help the worry and nausea that curled in her stomach. They were meant to be on holiday. Finn had been doing so well, and now they were in resus, and he was very much not okay.

The EEG done by bedside was positive, no signs of seizure activity during their test. Of course, they couldn't be sure if the epilepsy was the sole reason for the seizure, or if the head injury had played a part in it too. The MOI itself was concerning, a fall from any height could be dangerous, especially one head first. By some miracle stroke of luck, the scans were good. No new brain bleed or skull fracture, no c-spine (or spine in general) injury. His arm wasn't lucky, quite a significant break to his humerus, but bones could heal.

He was transferred up to ICU, the plan to slowly reduce his sedation see where they were up to. Calls were made to SGUH, an attempt to keep on top of things, and they happily agreed with the management plan. They'd cleaned his wounds while he was sedated, the fracture reduced and splinted while they could do anything. Of course, Fao was by his side the entire time, barely refusing to let go of his little brother's hand.

Fao hated it. At George’s, people knew him now, having done placements and spent so much time with Finn, Steve always spoke to him like a doctor, made sure everyone was in the loop, and knew Finn well enough to treat. The team here had been good, of course, but it wasn’t their normal. Everything felt wrong, Fao had gotten lost more than once in the short time they’d been there, and the ICU was unfamiliar.

When the fuss had subsided, and Finn was left alone (or as alone as he could be), Fao sunk into the chair by his bed, forcing a deep breath. Fred and Sheila had taken five minutes to run to the shop to grab some lunch for the three of them, making Fao promise to keep them updated but not expecting anything.

Finn’s sedation had been reduced, and he'd slowly started becoming more aware of his surroundings. It took him forever to realise he had something down his throat, forcing air into his lungs, and he hated it. He tossed his head, trying to breathe with it. There was a flare of pain as his arm moved, and he grimaced, trying to get away.

Fao looked up as Finn fussed, reaching to squeeze his hand. “It’s okay, you’re okay.”

Fao. That meant he was safe, wherever he was. It was easier to try to squeeze Fao's hand than to open his eyes, and though it was weak, it was there.

“I’m here, just relax, you’re okay.” Fao reassured, squeezing Finn’s fingers.

He finally managed to work out how to open his eyes, fighting through the drugs pulling him down. As awful as it was, Finn had spent enough time in ICU to know how to breathe with the tube. He took a moment to try to relax, his teeth grinding on the hard plastic.

“That’s it, you’re okay.” Fao said, leaning forwards so his brother could see him. “You can breathe with it, you’re okay.”

Finn made to scrub his eyes, moving the arm not holding Fao's hand. The sudden spike in his heart rate was a clear indication of pain and panic, the drugs clouding his thoughts but not enough to stop the pain.

“Careful, don’t try and move too much.” Fao told him gently.

The pain had him struggling against the tube, overwhelmed and fighting to catch his breath. He gripped Fao's hand tighter, the flash of fear in his eyes not going unnoticed.

Fao instinctively reached out, running his hand through his hair. “You’re alright, you’re okay. You can breathe with it, just relax, I’m here. You’re just fine.”

He couldn't manage it, couldn't work out why Fao wasn't helping. He pulled his hand away, reaching for the tube. If nobody was going to help him, he'd sort it himself.

“Leave it alone Finn, it’s okay.” Fao said softly. “Leave it, that’s it.”

As the monitors continued to alarm, the nursing team arrived to check on him. With Fao's attention on the staff coming in, Finn tried again, his fingers grabbing onto the plastic. He pulled as hard as he could manage, choking and retching as he did so.

The retching from his brother pulled Fao’s attention back to him, heart sinking as he pulled the tube. “Oh, Finn.” He mumbled. He let the staff work as much as he could, but gripped his brother’s hand again, trying to distract him.

He'd dislodged it enough to be a problem, his monitors and observations screaming their displeasure. He was with it enough to follow their instructions, so they made the decision to pull it completely, in a slightly more controlled manner than Finn had attempted.

It was nerve wracking, watching them pull the tube. Finn had a horrible habit of fighting it and then just refusing to breathe once it was gone, and it was hard to watch. He kept quiet, letting them do their work, and soon enough it was gone properly. Fao held his own breath as he waited for Finn to breathe again, his heart pounding.

“Well done Finn, that’s it.”

Finn struggled once they'd pulled it, turning to look at Fao with fear as he gripped his hand tighter. He couldn't manage a breath in, convinced he was going to die.

“You can do it, you’re doing so well.” He encouraged. “You’re okay.”

His breath caught in his throat and he coughed again, the tube having irritated his throat already, and then him making it worse as he'd pulled it. With the cough came another, and then finally, finally, a breath in. He took a few deep breaths, closing his eyes as he rested his head against the bed in exhaustion.

“Well done.” Fao praised. “You can rest, it’s okay, you’re safe.”

The nurses adjusted the oxygen, reaching over to put a mask on. Finn cracked an eye open and glared at them, completely unimpressed at the situation.

Fao couldn’t help but laugh. “Finn, don’t be a dick. You need it, it’s not forever, and it’s better than the tube.”

He turned his face away as they tried again, his eyebrows pulled into a frown.

"Finn, come on. If you don't, we'll have to go more invasive again. Let me put the mask on, okay? We'll be able to take it off later."

Still glaring at them, he nodded in defeat. He didn't look impressed, but let them put it on, hating that he felt better for it. His voice cracked, barely there, but he tried.

"Thanks."

“Suits you.” Fao teased.

Finn turned to him, his glare returned. "Fuck off."

“Hey, language.”

"'Urts?"

“What hurts?”

"All."

“Can he have some more pain relief?” Fao asked.

"We'll get you something, Finn. Aside from the pain, how are you feeling?"

He shrugged with his good arm. "Dunno."

“That’s alright.”

"Fuzzy." He managed after a while, glancing at Fao. He pulled his hand from Fao's, clumsily signing drink.

“Drink?” Fao echoed.

Finn nodded, repeating the sign. His throat hurt, which wasn't surprising, but he didn't have the energy to fix it.

“We’ll see if the nurses can get you something to drink.” Fao murmured.

"What do you want, Finn? Some juice? Water?"

He forced his eyes open again, giving a heavy sigh in discontent. He turned to look at Fao properly, waiting for him to answer for him.

Fao stroked through his hair again. “Juice, yeah? Better than water.”

The corner of his lip twitched into a smile, and he gave a small nod. Fao always knew the right answer.

The nurse gave them both a smile. "I'll go get you some juice, then."

“Thank you.” Fao said, settling back in the chair. “Mum and dad will be back in a minute, Finn.”

He cracked an eye open again, drink? Food?

“They went to go get something to eat, yeah.”

He nodded again, shuffling slightly to get comfortable again. The drugs were still strong, and despite the pain in his arm, he was comfortable and warm. His hand found Fao's and he tapped at him: one, two, three. I love you.

Fao smiled, instinctively tapping back. “I love you too, Finn.”

Finn gave a sleepy smile, lacing his fingers with Fao's. He knew the pain relief and juice were on their way, but he was tired, exhausted from everything, and five minutes wouldn't hurt.

“That’s it, get some rest.”

He was asleep almost immediately, quite content. His peace was disturbed by the nurse returning, bringing his juice and pain relief.

"Finn? Finn, sweetie, I've got your medicine."

Finn startled, a moment of panic before his brain caught up through the haze. He nodded again, offering the nurse a smile.

"Let me find your arm under there, eh? There we are. Just your pain relief." She hummed, giving it slowly. "There you go, all done. I'll leave your drink with your brother, but just small sips, alright? Just give us a shout if you need anything else."

Fao offered the nurse a smile, thanking her for everything before she left. Then they were alone again, and Fao sighed. “Glad you’re okay.” He admitted softly.

Finn had already drifted, the drugs making the room spin. At Fao's voice he forced himself to look at him. Even though Fao was far from in focus, Finn gave him a dopey smile, squeezing his hand.

Of course Finn couldn’t really reply, but Fao appreciated the smile. “You’re okay.”

Finn was happy enough to drift, Fao's hand in his hair and the other holding his. He was pain free and warm, so slipped quickly. There was a slight commotion as Sheila and Fred returned, but he was too deep to really give much response.

Fao turned to acknowledge his parents, offering them a small smile. “He tried to do their job and pull the tube, so it’s out now.”

Sheila paused, her eyes narrowed. "When you say he tried to do their job, you mean he pulled it out?"

“Tried, didn’t do a very good job, just dislodged it. He panicked.”

Fred's heart broke. "Bless him. I know it's awful seeing him when he's in here, but I think George's had it right when they restrained him."

Fao nodded. “Yeah, it’s for his own good. They usually keep more meds on hand, too, but they were good. Got the tube out easily enough.”

"Oh that's good, then." Sheila smiled to herself. "Here, I've got you a drink and a sandwich."

“Oh, thanks.” He murmured, reaching for them.

"He's been alright though?"

“In pain, but he’s just had some more painkillers.”

"His arm?"

“Yeah, I think so. Wasn’t making loads of sense.”

"Does he ever?" Fred joked.

“That’s true.�� Fao said with a grin.

"You're not even wrong." Sheila managed a laugh.

“He’s okay, though. Communicated well enough.”

"That's good."

“Yeah. And good he’s got rid of the tube.”

"He still ended up here. He's not had such a bad status in a while."

“Yeah.” Fao murmured. “It’ll get discussed with Steve.”

"I hate that we're so far away."

“Me too. Everything is wrong.”

Finn stretched out with a quiet whine, frowning. His eyes flicked around the room, his expression changing to a grin as he saw his parents.

"Mum! Dad!" His voice was still rough, barely there, but easily heard in the silence of the ICU.

“Yeah, they came back.” Fao said softly.

Fred reached to pat Finn’s knee. "Hey, kid. How you feeling?"

Finn sniffed. "Rubbish."

“Gonna feel a bit crap for a bit.” Fao said gently.

"'m sorry."

“Hey, don’t be sorry.”

"My fault."

“It’s not your fault.”

"It is." He scrubbed his eyes, his breath catching in his throat. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, Finn, baby." Sheila soothed, standing to move closer. "It's not your fault, these things happen."

"I should have stayed home." He managed. "I wanted to go out and I forgot to take my meds because Fao was ready."

"Oh, Finn." She sighed.

Fao made a noise, unable to be annoyed when his little brother just looked so upset. “It happens, Finn. It’s okay.”

"An'-and I threw up last night and didn't say 'cause I thought we'd have to go home."

“Oh, Finn.” Fao murmured. “You should’ve said, you must have felt rotten.”

"I thought you'd be mad at me."

“Never mad at you.”

"Of course we wouldn't be mad at you, Finn." Sheila sighed. "That's being daft, eh?"

“Always tell us things, and then we can help.”

The tears had started to fall and he tried to hide his face. "I'm sorry.c

“Hey, it’s okay.” Fao reassured. “You’re okay.”

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i-am-a-fish · 4 months

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I am

• worried

• depressed

• uncomfortable

• upset

• afraid

• uneasy

it does not feel good.

I'm going to drink some water, take a nap, and deal with these things later

#I'm still waiting to hear back if I got my apartment #I just broke my glasses #I ran out of my meds and it might take a while to get more #I have so many people I need to message back #I fucked up and missed my therapy appointment yesterday #I'm with both of my parents for the holidays and I'm not out as she/her #I just feel gross

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crybaby-bkg · 4 months

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I think Deku has a bit of a mean streak, actually. he’s no Bakugou—that’s for sure—but he’s not this innocent, sweet angel baby that the media has painted him out to be. but you only catch it when you least expect it, when you’re pushing his nerves, when the stakes to everything around him are high, when he’s tired of endless sleepless nights and just—snaps.

“Oh?” you go, grin unfurling like some grinch, chin resting on your hands as you leer at him from across his expansive desk. “You’re mean.” your words are teasing, a snarl that curls your mouth up. Deku stutters, eyes going wide, jaw snapping shut in surprise as he tries to think back on how rude he just sounded.

“No, I’m not—I mean, you wouldn’t stop and I just—there’s a lot on my plate right now—and you just—you keep on—I’m not—I’m not mean.” He’s sputtering, hands all over the place, the glasses perched on the bridge of his nose falling even lower with how he jabbers on and on. it’s endearing really, to see how he tries to upkeep his image of being so kind and understanding, even though his nostrils just flared at you. and his eyebrows turned down and he gritted at you, his hands were balled into fists, his words were so nasty, so ugly, so unbecoming for Deku.

you liked it. loved it even—vowed to get him like this every single fucking second that you could.

you pick and poke at him whenever you see him, teasing him and pulling at him. pushing him around even though the hero is so much stronger than you, so much bigger. and he lets you, tries to defend himself but—that’s not what you want. you want the ugliness, the snark, the mean.

he snaps, eventually, when you least expect it. grabs you up in black whip when you go to push him against the wall for the third time in only a minute, his eyes suddenly dark, the aura of the room suddenly charged.

“That’s what I was looking for.” you whisper to him, the grin spreading your face quickly dissipating in only seconds when you become the prey. when you become the one pushed up against the wall with teeth at your neck, a hand in your underwear, bullying your hole with too thick fingers.

“Why do you want me to act like this? Be so mean to you, huh?” he sounds so frustrated with himself, with you, growling and nipping and licking when you don’t answer quick enough. but your breath is caught in your lungs because finally—finally, did you get what you wanted. it just took a little bit of pushing, you suppose.

#omg I wrote this idea down last night and couldn’t even type it up #bc I took some sleep meds and it put me out SO FUCKING QUICK????#usually I don’t lay down until like an hour and a half or two #but it was literally like 40 mins and I was DONE!!!!#but I finally wrote it :D #there’s also been so much talk of him on the dash and i am. very much so liking this #I miss him bc I don’t think about him enough #but I also think he can be. so mean. like NASTY mean when his limits are pushed enough #ohhhh my god I wont him so bad #okay gn I took more meds bc my pelvis has been in so much pain????#just the right side too??? omg AM I DYING GELP #—new treat in the streets! 🍫#deku treats! 🍬

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time-woods · 2 months

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banhammer does infact have a tail ! its just no one ever sees it cause of his armor bonus doodles as well- last one is based off a convo i had

#phighting!#roblox fanart #last doodle i feel like they have mild disagreements on taste and ban playfully makes a big deal abt it but med doesnt know so #hes just like 'oh...'#had the idea that the scar over medkits missing eye could look sorta like the star shape that subspace is associated with #so he literally cant leave that part of his life behind . he is such a sadsad creature

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wigglebox · 8 months

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It’s really not that hard to understand how Destiel is canon despite not having Dean verbally textually concretely saying “I love you” back, which is what most people who only consume media on a surface level understand.

You have a jigsaw puzzle. Let’s say there’s 327 pieces. One by one you put it together with some bright spots where you get a bunch of them in a row and some more complicated spots where it took you longer than you wanted and the picture made it difficult to match up the pieces.

After awhile, you get 326 of them in, even tho your dog almost ate the 326th piece and it’s a little chewed up but whatever. It’s passable.

But, you realize you can’t find that 327th piece. It’s somewhere — it’s gotta be somewhere. You can see the hole where it belongs. You see it’s shape in it’s empty space, you see how many curves it has and how many sticky-out bits it has to connect perfectly with the rest of the puzzle.

However that final piece is still missing.

You look up and down, come up with theories about where it could possibly be (did the dog eat it? Did the manufacturers just screw up and there was a glitch in processing? Was it your own fault you lost it and it’s somewhere super obvious?).

But despite you being unable to find it, you’ve stared at that empty space for so long it’s almost like it is already filled because the shape is so clearly outlined. It’s the final piece and even if it’s not there, the rest of the picture is, and, the empty space is so well defined that there is no QUESTION that’s where the missing piece should go.

So Destiel is canon because the rest of the puzzle was filled in through years and years of subtext, text, basic narrative structure, romantic tropes, queer coding, etc etc.

The one piece that’s still missing is Dean saying three words but you don’t know where that piece is, aka, we don’t know why he wasn’t allowed to say it back. But we know that’s what has to be said. There won’t be a refusal of reciprocation because if that was the case we would have gotten it when the show was airing because there’s no harm from executives perspectives in denying queer feelings. They’d probably prefer it.

Dean’s missing words is the one single puzzle piece that’s missing right now. And we are all still searching for it but that doesn’t mean that it’s clearly defined space isn’t already there outlining exactly what could only fit right. There.

#destiel #sorry I saw tiktoks on puzzles and someone was missing a piece #and I’m like #in my Destiel feels like I always am #and I always had the puzzle analogy in my head but didn’t know how to really voice it #then the adhd meds kicked in this morning lol #anyway #happy Wednesday

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noxious-fennec · 5 months

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A redraw of an old thing because exam season is the only time i get creative energy ig

#but no fr i just came home from 2 consecutive exams. like consecutive as in one after the other in 2 hours #next week is all finals and theyre all like 2 hours 1 in the morning and 1 in the afternoon like bro #whatevs tho medical update THE MEDS ARE WORKING alhamdulilallah i feel im getting way more energy :)#2 years on immunosuppressants and at least 3 months of corticosteroids which means no salt :( BUT we are getting thru it #im cooking again :')#ok enough my life is not what you're here for. idk if cbeeduo at the end of 2023 *is* but idc #i just rly missed them yk and the vibes and the place i was in plus i have fun drawing them so suck it #i hope my good cbee mutuals enjoy this love yall #my art #dsmp fanart #cranboo #ctubbo #cbeeduo #fashion notes for the cool peeps still reading is i am dying on the hill that cranboo was decked in a 70s aunt wardrobe argue with the wall #also tubbo cowboy cus. like. look at him.#will probably draw tommy next i rly miss him. nothing big as always im a doodle kinda guy at heart #anyway xoxo love yall still here <33 #fennec.art

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harrykim · 2 months

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I hope that you can sense, as fully as any human has ever felt anything, how happy I am to have my friend back.

Star Trek: Picard | Star Trek: Nemesis | Quote | ID in ALT

#trekedit #star trek #star trek picard #star trek nemesis #daforge #DAFORGE IVE MISSED YOU SOOOO BADLY #edit #stealing the quote inspiration from tori torsamors everyone go tell them how smart they are for saying that was daforge <3 #pic #tng #med

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lesbianshepard · 1 year

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they should invent a driving a car that isn't scary

#m #i hate driving so much i get so nervous and scared #but i need to in order to be a shovelbum #because i need to #y'knw #get places #i miss charleston i miss college i miss being able to walk places #every time i get behind the wheel im like aaaaaaa #and its genuinely like harming my ability to live life #like i cant bring myself to drive without panicking #but i need to drive to get a job to afford doctors so i can get back on my meds #but i need my meds to be able to bring myself to drive #so you can see the problem here

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road2manjuumaster · 10 months

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self inserts are great. some people have one they use for every media and i love seeing this one specific little guy people choose to represent themselves go on fun adventures and make friends with their favorite characters and fall in love with others. some people have a different insert for every media they ship from or even for every ship they have and that's??? honestly really impressive and cool how so many different things can represent a single person. sometimes they're fantastical and magical and sometimes they're just A Guy™ in Situations™ even if it doesn't really "fit" the media they're an insert for. and some of these designs?? SNAPPED my spine stole my bones yall are so talented

#self ship community #self ship #self ship positivity #yumejoshi #its 4:30 am and the meds are kicking in and ruining my sleep #so im redrawing the ORIGINAL original cater self insert cuz he had such a fun design #and i miss drawing him #if anyone was here on the og unrivaledmeteoranger tumblr blog when i had my big twst hyperfix #you know who im talking about #my little pomefaeore. . .#( its a pun i know how to spell pomefiore spare me please ) /lh #but yeah i eas thinking about all the variety of my s/is #i have my fae twst s/i. gyaru idol enstars s/i. alchemist vampire obey me s/i. normal guy obey me s/i. uhhhhhhh #i feel like im missing one #but i think im just remembering all the twst ocs i made last year. . .#one for every house. . .#maybe ill redraw them too #i do remember their names somehow so #f/oposting

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stuckinapril · 5 months

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i literally have the bestest friends ever. like of all time

#i don’t have a single right to feel lonely having such an amazing core unit of friends around me. i am surrounded w so much love #got this text while sitting on the ground w my textbooks sprawled around me alternating between 8227 different subjects #reaching a fucking CEILING #then i read this. and my heart is full and i got this #life is GOOD i am good i am happy and one day i will be a doctor helping people and i can’t wait #she’s in med school/was pre-med w me but there’s literally no competition bw us. no toxic pre-med culture #we push each other to grow and are proud of each other’s accomplishments and tell each other so much #insane how we met through my ex of all people. the main reason i dont regret meeting him #literally cannot wait to see her this weekend i’ve missed her sm #i’m so blessed. that’s all #p

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transformers-synergize · 6 months

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Has Red Alert ever had a chill day in his lifetime?

At some points in redalerts life, he had less anxious days, not entirely chill, but if you met him back then, he wouldn't come off as the insane bot he dose now, maybe a little anxious and superstitious, but other than that, he was pretty sane. But of course this was pre-war and pre-losing Inferno, pre-getting stranded on earth with no contact with Cybertron and pre-losing access to most of his static treatment.

Redalert struggles with a static condition; his system creates static, which can disrupt his processor and other systems around his frame, most often causing delusions, anxiety, hallucinations,emotional instability, twitching, involuntary movement, and other often debilitating effects. The horn-like structures on his head are actually modifications, added to help with his condition and dissipate static. For most bots suffering from this condition, the modifications would be enough, but Red has a more extreme variant. Though the static dissipators help prevent any permanent damage the static might cause Red, they do not help him much with the mental effects. Before the war, Redalert would consume specially processed energon that didn’t produce as much static in his system, which, combined with his modifications, allowed him to live a relatively normal life. Even getting a pretty decent job with his engineering skills, especially when it comes to designing and setting up security systems, and his strong work ethic, Red was pretty successful before the war, all things considered.

the increased stress of the current circumstances making many of his coping skills null, and having to consume normal energon since the stranded earth crew does not have access to the tools required to produce the specialty energon he'd consume on Cybertron. Redalert is not having a fun time, especially during the start of the plot.

#red alert #redalert #transformers fan continuity #transformers #tfs #transformers synergize #ask answering #art post #red and inferno are a couple #Inferno status is unknown to all character i have shown so far #inferno and a few other character have gone completely missing #red needs his meds

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harriertail · 1 year

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You said “suggest some cats” on insta so I assume you meant to suggest them here :) I would love to see alderneedle in your art style as their an underrated but adorable paring that also had somewhat a tragic fate like bristleroot :( (definitely ain’t requesting this because of my user nope never 👎)

teen parents raising prophecy kits

#this is the only forbidden pair i would have accepted let me explain one sec #warrior cats #warrior cats designs #needletail #alderheart #violetshine #twigbranch #avos #a vision of shadows #harriertail #thanks for the request!#i love these two as friends but i think unrequited on alders behalf would have worked so well espec as iirc his fling with Velvet is becoz #he feels unappreciated in the med den (similar to leafpool in twilight) but also becoz he misses his friend needletail #so i dont like the ship but like i can see it and i think the erins could have leaned into it #like it makes more sense than rootbristle ig becoz they went on journeys and hte prophecy together #also requests pple i have them all queued lol more coming promise

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crybaby-bkg · 8 months

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cw: Bakugou dies but comes back to life, “comes back wrong” trope, implied fighting, angst

When Bakugou died, you’re not sure how you went on living. Grief had taken over your life, sat you in the passenger side while it cruised off the highway into icy waters. And even then, you couldn’t find the energy to drown.

It’s why there’s a sudden uptick of energy when you’re promised to have him back. Some top scientists contact you months after his death, tell you to hurry down to the headquarters labs, come and rejoice for what you’re about to witness. And you’re horrified, to say the least.

“This isn’t my husband.” Are your first words when you walk in, watch the figure on the other side of the glass examine its own hands. It looks like your husband but—but his hair isn’t the right shade of blond all over. His nose bridge had a slight bump after a scuffle with a villain. He had a scar on his hand but—but it never looked like it was to sew a pinky beside the other fingers.

“Is that really my husband?” You ask next in disbelief, slowly entering the room. Bakugou’s head snaps up, his eyes a little brighter than you remember but—they hold so much emotion. So much memory, so much panic, so much guilt.

“I left you.” He mutters, his voice raspy and ragged, and you wonder if it’ll always be like this now. It makes you cry a little harder than it should, but you only embrace each other. He’s cold and his shoulders don’t hold the same mass and his back doesn’t carry the same scars. There’s one, jagged and rough, running down his back, and you think, you think that’s where they slipped a new spine in.

“Welcome back home.” You tell him, weeks after meeting him again, new and not totally—Katsuki. He’s stiff and he doesn’t immediately take off his boots when he enters, and it worries you. Makes you think if you’ve just let a stranger into your home, one that has stolen your dead husbands face. Makes you wonder if he’ll be as loving as Katsuki once was, or if he’ll become your monster looming over you with the guilt of not being able to rest anymore.

“I’ve missed you so much.” You whisper against his mouth one night, a little while after he’s moved back. You don’t know why you lay under him, why you let him nestle himself inside of you, why you let him hold you against his chest. Katsuki always ran his hands over your cheeks and neck whenever he held you like this, but this…man, only holds himself up with his hands resting beside your head. It’s alien, how he looks at you, how his hips are methodically measured with every thrust, how he kisses you every 8 seconds. You wonder if he’s more robot than Frankenstein monster.

“Why did you come back to me like this?” You ask him one night, barricaded in the bathroom away from him. You can hear his sobs on the other side, his pleading to be let in. He tells you he never wanted to come back if he had to be like this, that he’s sorry, please let him in, he misses the warmth of your skin, he’s never been so cold before, he’s never liked the cold.

“Is this considered cheating?” You ask yourself aloud one night, when Bakugou is forced back to the lab when he becomes too…un-Bakugou. To sleep with a man that is your husband in every way but? Your husband has been dead for a year now, and yet you stroke the chin of the man that tries so hard to be him everyday, but fails so miserably at it every time.

“I’ll come back to you right this time.” Bakugou promises to you when he’s strapped down to leave for the lab and before he’s sedated. But you don’t believe him—you never did. Your husband is dead, and this animated corpse has been nothing but a cheap mockery of everything you’ve lost and something you will never truly get back.

#I was writing this and then checked my dash and saw another post about this #and felt so guilty and almost didn’t post it aidjdkfj #but I love this trope too much to delete it!!!!!#I’ve written about this in my published book before and it’s one of my favorite things I’ve ever written #there’s just such a deep heartache about having to grieve someone #and then the grieving process being interrupted by the one you lost #and battling with their death even though you still look at them everyday again #but it’s just not right?? it’s not the same??#they have the same face (kinda) but it’s truly not hem #not them* heck #it reminds me of a convo I had in a psych class about making a new cloned version of yourself #where the question was ‘is the clone/new version still you? or are they an entirely new person now?’#and at first I said they’re still me you know? they have my face n body n memories #but my prof told me no!! after they have been cloned they are sentient and are now their own person making new memories apart from you #and I thought that was soooo interesting and it makes me fall in love w this trope every time #you’re my person but only a version. you’re who I love but a newer person. you’re not them. you’re everything I’ve missed about them #so heartbreaking I LOVE ITTTT #sorry I’m rapping it’s the sleep meds kicking in #okay bai #bakugou treats! 🍬#—new treat in the streets! 🍫

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