#bc I took some sleep meds and it put me out SO FUCKING QUICK????
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I think Deku has a bit of a mean streak, actually. he’s no Bakugou—that’s for sure—but he’s not this innocent, sweet angel baby that the media has painted him out to be. but you only catch it when you least expect it, when you’re pushing his nerves, when the stakes to everything around him are high, when he’s tired of endless sleepless nights and just—snaps.
“Oh?” you go, grin unfurling like some grinch, chin resting on your hands as you leer at him from across his expansive desk. “You’re mean.” your words are teasing, a snarl that curls your mouth up. Deku stutters, eyes going wide, jaw snapping shut in surprise as he tries to think back on how rude he just sounded.
“No, I’m not—I mean, you wouldn’t stop and I just—there’s a lot on my plate right now—and you just—you keep on—I’m not—I’m not mean.” He’s sputtering, hands all over the place, the glasses perched on the bridge of his nose falling even lower with how he jabbers on and on. it’s endearing really, to see how he tries to upkeep his image of being so kind and understanding, even though his nostrils just flared at you. and his eyebrows turned down and he gritted at you, his hands were balled into fists, his words were so nasty, so ugly, so unbecoming for Deku.
you liked it. loved it even—vowed to get him like this every single fucking second that you could.
you pick and poke at him whenever you see him, teasing him and pulling at him. pushing him around even though the hero is so much stronger than you, so much bigger. and he lets you, tries to defend himself but—that’s not what you want. you want the ugliness, the snark, the mean.
he snaps, eventually, when you least expect it. grabs you up in black whip when you go to push him against the wall for the third time in only a minute, his eyes suddenly dark, the aura of the room suddenly charged.
“That’s what I was looking for.” you whisper to him, the grin spreading your face quickly dissipating in only seconds when you become the prey. when you become the one pushed up against the wall with teeth at your neck, a hand in your underwear, bullying your hole with too thick fingers.
“Why do you want me to act like this? Be so mean to you, huh?” he sounds so frustrated with himself, with you, growling and nipping and licking when you don’t answer quick enough. but your breath is caught in your lungs because finally—finally, did you get what you wanted. it just took a little bit of pushing, you suppose.
#omg I wrote this idea down last night and couldn’t even type it up#bc I took some sleep meds and it put me out SO FUCKING QUICK????#usually I don’t lay down until like an hour and a half or two#but it was literally like 40 mins and I was DONE!!!!#but I finally wrote it :D#there’s also been so much talk of him on the dash and i am. very much so liking this#I miss him bc I don’t think about him enough#but I also think he can be. so mean. like NASTY mean when his limits are pushed enough#ohhhh my god I wont him so bad#okay gn I took more meds bc my pelvis has been in so much pain????#just the right side too??? omg AM I DYING GELP#—new treat in the streets! 🍫#deku treats! 🍬
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AAAAAAAHHHHHHH HAPPY 1K FOLLOWERS EMILY! my smol bean, my favourite virgo, my es to my paña, may i request a museum!au with jaehyun and "it was a honest mistake" LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK UWUWUWUWUWUWUWUWUWU
pairing. frat boy! jeong jaehyun ✗ fem! reader
genre. fluff, humor, enemies to lovers au, college au, museum au, non idol au
warnings. cursing, maybe some bickering, mentions of violence, all the good stuff we see in e2l! au’s ohoho (also not proofread bc i’m knocked up on meds rn but wbk)
author’s note. THE ES TO MY PAÑA I CAN’T WITH YOU ASJFKGJA BUT I LOVE YOU BBY!! this request has been inspired from a post i saw in a fb group hehe hope you like it bc it’s a DREAM to have
School trips are always a hit or miss: you either find it the best thing to happen in your school year or find it the most boring trip you’ve ever been. For your art history class, the professor made it an effort to allow all the students enrolled in the course to visit a nearby museum for an graded assignment.
Requirements to get full marks on this said assignment are as follows:
You must attend to the museum with your assigned partner at the same time to receive credit. Dates on your admission ticket with be used as proof.
You must act at least TWO scenes from any artwork mediums (canvas, sculpture, video, etc.) and take picture for submission as proof that you have done so.
Just adding in a partner was just a sprinkle on top of your dessert, but it can’t be that bad, right? Wrong, because your partner is none other than Jung Jaehyun, the annoying frat kid that always arrives ten minutes later into lecture with either a hoodie draped over his head or a black baseball cap, sometimes without any books or a backpack in possession.
It’s wonder how the professor manages to tolerate him and his unruly behavior, because you certainly can’t stand the fact you’re standing within a few feet away from him for this stupid assignment.
If there weren’t any bystanders nearby and cameras pointing at you from all angles in the museum, you would’ve sucker punched him in his throat the moment you saw him walk through the entrance with his black shirt and tan cargo pants with his hair tucked in his black baseball cap. But you’re a good person and you would like to pass the class very much, so you hold yourself back from doing so.
You’ll think about it later when you’re outside of the museum premises, you know?
It’s been over an hour since you have arrived at the museum, and you can feel your patience running thin. As you two continue to circulate inside the museum, all you can hear from Jaehyun’s mouth are groans and sighs. It ticked you off to know that yes, it’s a pain of an ass to go out of your way for an assignment, but he is not willing to participate in the matter any time soon.
You abruptly stop in your tracks and turn to face him, stopping Jaehyun in his tracks too. You pointed a finger against his chest.
“Okay, look here, asshole,” you spat. “I’m so fucking sick of you not caring about anything in this world just because you think that you’re some hot shot that can get away with anything with your attractive looks.” Your patience has long been thinned out for this man, and you couldn’t stop your words from holding back, each words vehemently attacking the person before you. “I want to get this assignment done with just as much as you do, so can you for once use that fucking single brain cell of yours and just cooperate with me for once, or so god help me, the security is gonna be called on us after I push you over to that replica statue of David we passed earlier.”
You wasted no time in hearing his refutes or seeing his reaction and turned around in search for the nearest artwork that you could use for your assignment. Behind you, Jaehyun trails behind in silence, but instead of the bored expression he always spotted, there was an amused smirk on his face. Never once has he seen you so riled up before, so he was curious to see more sides of you than he’d see in his class when he wasn’t paying attention.
You turned around the corner and found a replica painting by Pierre-Auguste Renoir, an oil on canvas called Dance in the Country. You rolled your eyes. At this point, you could care less if the two re-enactments you had to do depicted any sorts of intimate relationship, you just wanted to go home and sleep. Grabbing your phone out of your pocket, you opened your camera app. After asking the nearest stranger to take a picture for you, you call out to Jaehyun.
“So are you just going to stand there or what?” you sarcastically remarked. You could see a smirk forming on his lips for whatever reason it may be, but shrugged it off. He maneuvers over to where you stood in front of the grand painting.
“Out of all the paintings, you chose this one?” he asked.
You sighed. “Not now, Jung. Let’s just finish this, please?”
He nods but the smirk on his face never wipes away, ticking you off a little more. Suppressing your annoyance for the latter, you went into position in placing one of your hands on his shoulder while he cautiously wraps one arm around your waist. With both of your free hands, you two interlocked fingers, just a shy away from reproducing the painting.
The only thing that set you two apart is the gap between both of your faces, showing an awkward distance that left everyone at unease.
The stranger that held your phone looks away from the camera app. “I think you two should move in a little closer to each other. It’ll look nice.”
Clearing his throat, he nears closer to your face, closing in on you. You start feeling yourself getting hotter, feverish almost, from the close intimacy you’re experiencing from someone you barely know about.
The stranger counts down.
“One..”
You could smell his minty breath and intoxicating cologne reeling you in, putting you in a daze-like trance as you look into his eyes.
“Two..”
No longer does he have his infamous smirk on his face, but is instead replaced with one of his sweet smiles you rarely see in the halls, one that you only see whenever he is with his group of friends.
“Three!”
A different stranger walks behind Jaehyun, bumping their shoulders into Jaehyun’s figure that sends him stumbling over you. It all happened in a blur, from the sound of the click of your camera to the ‘woah’ of Jaehyun’s lips to the sudden contact of his lips against your own.
Yes, you have indeed read that correctly — you just fucking kissed Jaehyun, the last person you would last see yourself kissing.
You pushed him off of him, your face flushed with shock and embarrassment. “W-What the hell was that, Jung!?” you stammered.
He held his hands out in front of him. “I swear, y/n, it was a honest mistake!”
You roll your eyes to mask your growing embarrassment. “Yeah, okay then. Accident, my ass.”
The stranger that took your photo walks back to the two of you and smiled, handing back your phone. “Other than that person that walked into your boyfriend just now, the photo came out great!” He examines both of your expressions, Jaehyun’s ears and neck turning red like no tomorrow with you refusing to make eye contact with him, too perplexed of what just occurred now. The stranger raises an eyebrow. “Do... Do you guys want me to take another picture or anything?”
Both you and Jaehyun are quick to answer.
“No, we’re good!”
jeongvision’s milestone event!
#jaehyun#nct jaehyun#jaehyun scenarios#jaehyun imagines#jaehyun fluff#nct#nct 127#nct imagines#nct scenarios#nct 127 imagines#nct 127 scenarios#jaehyun smut#jaehyun x reader#jaehyun x oc#jung jaehyun#jeong jaehyun
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Alright we’re trying this angst thing again
Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so
Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash
Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that
Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident
They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly
They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them
The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️
And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable
Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally
They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital
Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over
Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️
Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares
The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit
Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️
Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother
He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through
Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far
cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️
Mondo does not let himself stim
He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act
This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned
One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka
He was extremely happy
When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit
Mondo broke it
He snapped the popsicle sticks in half
the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process
Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least
Like
Actual
Real
Tears
He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot
Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends
Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends
Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep
Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s
that’s his brother
on the ground
not moving
Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot
Either way, he hates being vulnerable
Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?
also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo
HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????
GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-
also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌
also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)
First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?
and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.
They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!
And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.
Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........
And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.
Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”
Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”
Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!
And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv
So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)
oh g o d the nightmares
they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.
And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”
And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”
And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.
“You can tell me anything.”
Mondo wants to believe him.
—
Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.
And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.
But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?
There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.
He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.
It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.
So Leon doesn’t comment.
——-
Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.
ANYWAY-
y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????
god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb
and MONDO DARLING 🥺
god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm
But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not
he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️
hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off
he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!
and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn
honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.
because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.
fucking.
breaks.
down.
He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.
Like he destroys everything.
And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to
and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok
but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.
And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.
And it’s more than enough.
—
and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety
like sir 🤝
got me fucked up smh
honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually
so yes he 100% does???
he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d
#sorry this took forever and i doubt it’s even legible my god#but yes angst 🥺#mondo sweetie......I’d die for u....#also not me getting distracted every fifteen minutes or so by spotify playing a song that reminds me of a headcanon for a different char 😳#took me all day to write this I’m sobbing#danganronpa#ask box#mondo owada#car crash#car crash tw#trauma#trauma tw#angst#dr#ishimondo#daiya owada#the-human-sharpie#non despair au (danganronpa)#crazy diamonds#diamond brothers#kiyotaka ishimaru#trigger happy havoc#danganronpa trigger happy havoc#thh#dr thh#dr headcanon tag
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The First Order Will Be Finished
chapter 33 of So Happy Together
Masterlist
note: i feel like this is the worst chapter ive written but im sad the first order is going to be ending soon :( i also involved some real life events in here bc obi-wan would be a die hard blm activist. anakin is an all lives matter bastard i dont care what you say.
The day was finally here. Phasma was leaving tomorrow afternoon, and you all had 1 last day as a whole group.You all had slept over at your grandfather's house. You decided to stay there for the summer, and so did Elaine. Your grandfather was camping with you all, but he had to work so he wouldn't be able to help at Amilyns. You woke up and tiptoed out of your room. Peeking into his room you saw he was still in bed. He usually left for work at about 9. Looking at the clock on the wall you saw it was only 7:30. You walked to his bed and gently shook him awake.
“Good morning my dear.” he said through a yawn.
“Can I get the keys to the truck? We might need it to help Amilyn move furniture.”
“Of course they're in the den on the table beside my chair.” you nodded and went to get the keys when he called out to you.
“Come back.” you walked back to the bed beside him, and he grabbed your face and pulled you to him. He kissed your forehead, and smiled before laying back down.
“I love you pop pop.” you said.
“I love you too. Have fun, and i'll see you tonight.” you walked out the room and headed downstairs. You got to the den and saw Gideon sitting in his bed. He usually slept with you, but every now and then he would get up to walk around or go to his bed. He stood up once he saw you, and trotted over. You scratched him behind his ears, and grabbed the keys from the table. Gideon followed you as you walked outside. You picked up a stray ball and chucked it out towards the forest. He ran after it, and you continued walking to the shed. After you opened it you grabbed the tents you knew were in there. You walked over to your car, and placed them in the trunk. Going back you noticed Gideon had given up his ball and had begun chasing a squirrel. He ran around a tree trying to see where it had gone when he saw it he began baying at it. You walked over to him, and patted his back when he sat down and just looked up the tree. Going back to the shed you grabbed the sleeping bags that were also stored in the shed.
You weren't sure why he kept so many in the shed. When you camped as a kid there were only 3 of you, but he had 2 tents, and 6 sleeping bags. Maybe they just kept them around in case they lost some. After you had your car packed up you went back inside with Gideon. Your grandfather was in the kitchen eating cereal. He was in his pajamas and was scrolling through his phone.
“Have you seen all those protests happening recently?”
“Not really, I haven't been on social media lately, why what's happening?”
“Just another innocent man being murdered by police.” He held the phone up to you as you looked at the article.
“Thats horrible.”
“Yes I know. It seems as though not much has changed from when I was your age.” he had a sad look on his face. You walk over to him, and hug him before heading upstairs.
Once you reach your room you see Phasma and Elaine are still asleep. You wake them up, and let them know you guys are leaving in a few minutes. You go to your closet and look for something comfortable to wear. You pick out a pair of plain black leggings and a baseball t-shirt that used to belong to your dad. You walk out while Elaine, and Phas get dressed, and go downstairs to feed Gideon. He laid next to the cupboard where you kept his bowl. As you brought it down he perked up, and went to the spot where you kept his food. Before putting it down after filling it you crushed up his meds and sprinkled them over his food. You placed it down and he eagerly began eating. Grabbing his leash you walked to the den and picked up his dog bed. This was going to be Gideons first time camping with you, and you knew it would be a fun little surprise for him. You walked out of the house and put them in your car with the rest of the camping supplies.
When you came back in, Elaine and Phasma were downstairs already. You smiled as you asked them.
“You guys ready to go?” Phasma looked sad. You knew it was because it was her last day.
“I guess,” she replied. “I just don't want today to end. When I come back everything will be different.”
“It will be, but we won't be.” Elaine said as she hugged her. You all headed out to the truck and drove to the address Amilyn had given you for her new store front. It was deeper in the city, and was way bigger than her last place. It was on the corner of a building so it was the size of 2 stores. Perfect for how many patrons she had gotten since you met her. Once you got there you parked, and saw Hux was already there. You get out, and walk in with the girls and see him on a computer with Amilyn.
“Damn Red you got here fast.” Elaine teased him.
“He's helping me pick out art to hang in the cafe. Isn't he the sweetest?”
Phasma went over and patted his back. “He sure is.”
He smiled at her and kept looking with Amilyn. You saw some chairs stacked up by the door and went over and grabbed 3 of them and set them up by the couch. You all sat down and looked at art for about an hour before you heard a car pull up.
“Matt and Kylo must be here.” you said as you looked out the window. First it was the sound of 3 car doors closing that seemed weird. Then you saw 3 people get out of the car. Matt was the first to walk in. Then Kylo. to your dismay the last one to walk in was Ben. He smiled at you while he walked in. You smiled back knowing this was going to be the hardest day ever.
“Hey sorry we're late we had to stop at the store and get camping gear for us.” Matt said as he walked over to Elaine and kissed her.
“You guys are camping with us? I thought it was only you going with us for that.” you said to him as he finished greeting everyone else.
“Yeah. Mom heard me and Hux talking about it and told me to take them. I don't even think they want to be here.” Kylo was giving you a smirk that had Han written all over it.
“Oh I want to be there.” He said while still looking at you. Ben looked at him with anger in his eyes. He hit Kylos shoulder. Kylo looked at him and gave him a shrug.
“Alright, well, why don't we all get started while Hux keeps looking for art. Phasma, Matt, and whichever one of you is Kylo, help me get the curtains up over the window.” they all nodded and gathered together. She looked at Ben standing alone.
“I'm sorry I don't know your name.” she reached out to him to shake his hand, and he took it.
“Im Ben Ma’am.” he shook her hand and she smiled at him.
“Well, Ben, I have some ovens I need moved around in the kitchen. Do you think you could do that for me?”
“Course. I just need you to tell me where you need em” He responded.
“Alright Elaine, and Rose do you guys think you can set the tables up?”
“Yeah no problem.” Elaine said, You both walked over to set them up. Luckily they stayed built during the move. All you had to do was move them to their rightful places. Sadly there weren't enough tables to make the cafe look full.it was clear she was going to need more. You walked into the kitchen where she was helping Ben move the ovens around to let her know.
“I ordered some more yesterday. I'll just put them in whenever. Do you think you could help Ben finish this? I'm gonna see what else needs to be done.” you nodded and took her place helping Ben with moving the last oven.
“So you excited for tonight?” he asked as you both began to move the heavy object. You figured if you act civil the night will go by quick.
“Yeah. I just wish we had more time. All of us together. I'm worried about Hux going so far away.”
“He's gonna be fine. He's smart. I know Matts really scared about Elaine leaving.”
“Me too. We’ve been with each other for 4 years.”
“You were only in 8th grade when you got here?”
“Yeah it was before Luke did away with the middle school program.”
You guys finally got done moving the oven and went into the main area to help more. Surprisingly you guys didn't take most of the day to get everything done. Amilyn had given you a few more things to do before it was close to time for you all to go. You had gotten almost everything set up except the few tables that were missing and the art Hux had ordered. You all sat on the couches she had set up. You had ordered pizza for everyone and you all sat with each other and ate.
“So what are you all doing after this?” Amilyn asked as she bit into her slice.
“We're heading to my grandfather's house to pack up for tonight.” you answered.
“That sounds fun. I can't believe this is my last time having all 5 of you with me.”
“6 actually.” Kylo corrected.
“Oh yeah Kylo is a first order member now.” you informed Amilyn. Ben looked confused for a second before he spoke.
“Wait, he's a part of your group now? He's barely here!”
“Well all of us like him and he didnt fuck any of us over.” Elaine said passive aggressively while she took the last bite of her pizza into her mouth. Matt hit her shoulder and looked at her.
“Well it's true.” Ben looked sad for a second before going back to eating. You had told Amilyn what happened between you and him a long time ago so she knew what Elaine meant.
“So Kylo when do you go back to school?” Amilyn asked, trying to get to know the newest member.
“School starts again in august, but i'm going back in about 2 weeks.”
“Oh good, at least I have time to get to know you.” She smiled at him and he attempted to smile back, but didn’t do so well.
“Well I do have something I want to say.” Amilyn put her pizza down on the small table in front of the couches.
“I have never in my life met a group of such amazing men and women like you guys. Hux, you are so smart, and kind. You are nothing like your father, and you will always be better than him.” she said facing him. He got up from his spot next to you and walked around the table to hug her.
“Elaine. You're such an extraordinary young woman. You are so beautiful, and you're so talented. Your personality is the biggest I've seen ever in my life and I know you're going to do so many things with your life.” you looked to Elaine to see she was crying and hard. Matt held her while she cried and Amilyn continued.
“I never had kids with my husband. We never wanted any. You all are the closest thing to children I have, and I couldn't ask for a better group of kids to love.” at that point you all got up to go hug her. All of you piled onto her, with the exception of Kylo and Ben. Amilyn had started crying too at some point while you all held onto her.
“We love you amilyn. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I can't come here whenever I want.” Elaine said through her tears. You all got up, and you ran out to the truck to get your bag. You came back inside with it, and pulled out your camera. You handed it to Ben and grabbed Kylo's hand. You dragged him back over to where Amilyn was sitting. You sat him down, next to Amilyn, and sat next to her as well. Hux sat on the other side of you between the arm of the couch and you. Matt, Phasma, and Elaine got behind the couch, and crouched down to get in closer. You wrapped your arms around Hux, and Amilyn while smiling. Once Ben took the picture he handed it over to you.
The image developed, and you all looked at it. This was one of the last pictures you guys would take as a group. The last time you all would sit and talk with Amilyn. You handed the small photo over to her. You explained that you wanted her to have it to remember your last day as the first order with her. The last time she would have you all in one place together. The time came. You all had to leave. Amilyn had to go home to get some more paperwork done before she could officially open. You and the girls got into the truck, and Hux got into Matts car with him and the other boys. You began the drive back to your grandfather's house, and tried not to cry. It was 4 in the afternoon. By this time tomorrow. The first order will be finished.
tags: @wumboho @pylopenpolo @duty-isnt-always-honour
#ben solo#ben solo fanfiction#bensoloxreader#teen!ben solo#ben solo x reader#ben solo series#ben solo x y/n#ben solo x you#reader insert#teen!reader#kenobi!reader#star wars x reader#star wars fanfiction#star wars tfa#star wars au#star wars tros#star wars#amilyn holdo#vice admiral holdo#kylo ren#kylo ren x reader#matt the radar technician#oc#captain phasma#armitage hux#general hux#grandpa! obi wan#obi wan kenobi
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Long-Ass Life Update (I’m not dead!)
Finally a life update now that I’m back home. It’s been a painful and tiring couple of weeks :’) And actually some of the days/times might be off because I was like super fucking out of it for most of that time period.
Anyhow, I went to the ER on Friday the 1st after 3 days of severe stomach pain, and the local hospital is like notoriously shitty but I was in horrible pain ok
They actually took me seriously for once, took me back immediately, ekg, ultrasound, blood and piss tests, and told me from the start not to eat or drink anything.
They told me they found gallstones and one or more might be stuck in the bile duct, but they made it sound like it wasnt inflamed and there werent many, so I wasnt super worried? They sent me for an MRI and then told me that they didnt have the capability to get out any stones, so they sent my ass an hour away via ambulance to a much better hospital so they could do the probe thing they needed to. It took until Saturday night to get a room there, though, and they didnt know when I’d get there and since they figured theyd want to do the probe ASAP, I was kept completely without eating or drinking for all of Friday night and Saturday, after not eating more than a few bites of muffin on Friday and next to nothing Thursday either because Everything Hurt.
Also, Fentanyl is fucking magic. Thats the only thing that even vaguely touched the pain.
So anyhow, I get to the other hospital at fuck o’clock at night and God Damn Staved because, like I said, bitches gave me No Fucking Food for an entire day (I’m not kidding that hospital is horrible and has a horrible reputation for ending up with killing people or making situations worse but the next nearest hospitals are an hour away in different directions and I don’t often have anyone willing to drive me that far and I often don’t feel up to driving myself that far if I’m already at “need to go to the ER, fuck the money I don’t have” point, and Saer has only just gotten into the USA and the last time they came with me to the ER they ended up with a virus for like three weeks and I wasn’t gonna do that to them again!!) and finally when I got to that hospital they were like “yeah we won’t be able to do the probe until Monday so eat something and then tomorrow you’re on a liquid diet and then nothing by mouth after midnight” so they scrounged me up some chicken broth and orange juice at like ten o’clock at night and gave me Those Good Good Meds and I slept in a decent hospital bed instead of on a fucking ER bed like Friday night (since they were transferring me at the local hospital they didn’t admit me and I slept in the ER. yeah. i hurt too badly to sleep on my side even with pain meds, and I slept on an ER bed. I had to sleep all day Saturday on and off just to get vaguely rested, but honestly? this whole ordeal has been an adventure in sleep deprivation despite heavy sedatives)
Monday rolls around and they take me for the ERCP (iirc thats what it was) where they put a thing down my throat and cut the bile duct wider so the stone could pass, get that bitch cleared up, all is well. I was heavily sedated and remember none of it, just waking up with different pain in my stomach and the world’s worst sore throat.
I was on a liquid diet from that and until the extraction on Wednesday. I have drank my weight in broth and orange juice.
Wednesday they take me in to remove my gallbladder. It was supposed to be a simple laparoscopic procedure, nip it out, pull it, I go home in a couple days with a couple small cuts on my belly. My dad (and several other people) reassured me that it was routine and quick, and is an easy procedure that should take 2 hours at most. I told him, “Listen, with me, literally nothing is ever easy and you know that”
Fast forward to me waking up and my first thought is “is that a catheter? guess it didnt go so easy after all.” I’m pretty sure the first words I said as I woke up were “told you it wouldnt be easy” lmao
Remember how hospital #1 told me that my gallbladder wasn’t inflamed and there were only a couple gallstones?
It was chock goddamn full of gallstones and so inflamed that when they tried to get it out laparoscopically, it tore. He spent an hour trying to get it out that way safely before realizing that his only recourse is to cut me open and get it out that way. The procedure took closer to 5 hours.
I have at least 20 staples in my belly now and I hope I get a cool fuckin scar but shit hurts still. I was in the hospital slowly ramping up to eating solid food again until Friday when I was allowed to go home to Saer. I can’t lift anything more than 20 pounds for another like month, and my range of motion is a fraction of what it was before. I’m so easily exhausted now and i can barely do anything and it’s really fucking pathetic??? and every time I bring that up Saer is like “they TOOK your ORGAN” so
(its really sad that i’m so conditioned that If I’m Not Doing Everything I Can All The Time Then I’m Not Trying Hard Enough that even after having full surgery to remove an organ I’m like NO I CAN DO THE THING and then end up hurting myself s-sobs)
(we watched the episode of b99 today where gina comes back after getting hit by a bus and when she tried to dance while still in the halo saer pointed at her and was like “it u” and i was like “exCUSE” but like, tru)
anyhow, im home, and i have my wife with me, and saer is such a blessing right now because i cannot do SHIT and they need to help me off the couch sometimes if my dumb ass gets in a position with no leverage, and also ive already fallen off the couch like twice because i was like NO I GOT IT and saer was across the room like BEB NO U DONT and yeah im stubborn and stupid ok saer is saving me from myself for the most part
also also the app i drive for is shutting down in my city at the start of december hhhhh so now i also have to fuckin... find a job like this and uGH do not WANT ffff
but yeah thats something even my parents have okayed me holding off on until I’m better so if even my fuckin parents are like “pls chill???” yall know im fucked up
however i’m mostly weaned off opiod pain meds now and am only using them at night when it’s worse and hard to sleep, tylenol tends to take care of it well enough now. my range of motion is improving, too, but i am just still so easily tired that its frustrating. we went grocery shopping yesterday and even in the little motor scooter i was completely worn out by the end of it.
but im alive! all is well! i will continue improving! sorry for being so quiet during this but like I said, i’ve been some level of sedated for most of this event. not fully sedated except for the two procedures, but fentanyl and dilautin (ok i have no idea what it actually is and google isnt helping but i had a button for it) and then morphine and hydrocodone on top of not getting restful sleep At All due to pain, discomfort, and people coming in every hour for vitals checks... I was fuckin Gone i got fuckall done rip
however once my pain-induced blood pressure spike was lowered (i saw them take it at the ER and it was fuckin RED) everyone was like “...you have really good blood pressure??” like i’m pretty sure i have low blood pressure naturally and my size/genetics gives me high blood pressure and they kinda cancel each other out, but yeah. pretty cool.
my family kept swinging between “IF YOURE IN THAT MUCH PAIN FOR 24 HOURS YOU GO TO THE ER. YOU DO NOT WAIT THREE DAYS.” and “...jesus christ you have a high pain tolerance”
//throws the horns thats what chronic pain does to ya baybee
my mom especially was impressed because she was just like “you’re so calm talking to them about how much it hurts how are you doing that” and im just like “its literally wasted energy to freak out and i hurt too badly to move so im just gonna sit here and tell them im a ten and hope they take pity on me because i have no other options”
anyhow fun new experience and im pretty sure ive broken my brother’s hospitalization record and also pretty sure i’ve got enough medical debt on me now that i can literally file for bankruptcy so
also i can feel a void near my ribs and it is so bizarre yall fuckin organs need to close the gap asap bc this shit weird as hell
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Do you mean a shyland prompt as in a fic or? Bc if you are , can you just Write like a Cute fluff!fic where Ryland has like sprained his ankle or something and Shane is helping Him Walk and idk just a Cute hurt!comfort fic? I love you!
Ahhhhh holy fuck this is so cute and I love it!! I love you too, anon! Please enjoy :)
https://archiveofourown.org/works/16688581
I’m Here For You
Summary: Ryland accidentally gets hurt and Shane takes care of him.Or, during some drunken dancing, Ryland twists his ankle so Shane takes care of him and comforts him.
Shane and Ryland were never the type to frequently drink. Yeah, they would keep some of their favorite liquors on hand at all time, but it was in case they decided last minute they wanted to celebrate, or just unwind. Every once in a while if they were taking a break from real life, they’d have a couple drinks and just enjoy each other’s company without having to worry about anything else—and they loved that. Just the two of them in the universe with no other worries to bring them down. Shane had just finished all of his filming and editing for the week and was absolutely done. His eyes were actually twitching from staring at his computer screen for so long. Ryland was on the couch, scrolling on Instagram when Shane emerged from his office looking completely spent. His hair was going in a million directions, the stubble on his face was looking extra stubbly, and the circles under his eyes would make anyone suspect he hadn’t slept in weeks—which wasn’t entirely wrong. “We’re drinking tonight,” rolled off Shane’s lips as he strolled right past Ryland into the kitchen to grab his trusty bottle of Patron. Making his way back to the living room, Ryland just raised an eyebrow at him in response.“Yeah?”“Yeah,” Shane popped the top off the bottle before taking a big swig of the tequila, face scrunching as the alcohol burned his throat going down. Without skipping a beat, he flicked some music on the TV before flopping down onto the couch, offering the bottle to Ryland. The other man didn’t hesitate or question his boyfriend, tonight they were going to let loose. Ryland followed his boyfriend’s actions, drinking directly from the bottle. He couldn’t help but shiver as the liquid made it’s way down his throat—stinging the whole way.“God, that never gets any easier—well, except for when you’re already drunk. Then it’s pretty easy,” Ryland shrugged, turning the music on the TV up. Shane chuckled, grabbing the bottle for his second shot. He sat back watching as his boyfriend got up and started dancing to the music, not minding to just sit back and watch. The thought of dancing—in theory—was good. It was fun, especially when you were doing it with someone you liked. But Shane’s childhood and horrible self-image made it very uncomfortable. Ryland moved so effortlessly in time with the music, and fuck his body looked perfect the way it swayed and twirled.
Ryland stepped over to Shane, shimmying his shoulders as he snatched the tequila bottle, gulping down his second shot. “Why don’t you dance with me!” Ryland practically yelled over the music. Shane was already starting to feel the buzz of the alcohol, his head just starting to spin. A warmth rushed over his body, starting at his fingers and going all the way to his toes. Ryland was clearly starting to feel the effects of the tequila. He had a tendency of dancing more risqué when he was drunk, Shane noticed—with no complaints. Fuck it, Shane thought, dragging himself off the couch. Tove Lo’s “Talking Body” started blasting through the speakers and Ryland couldn’t help the scream of excitement that came out of his mouth. He all but threw the bottle back at Shane to resume to his dance floor in front of the couch. He twirled around in circles, swaying his hips in time with the beat. Shane watched in amusement, belting out the lyrics as his boyfriend dropped to the floor several times, hands raised above his head. Shane bit his lip watching the way Ryland moved. Unable to stand the distance between them, Shane diminished it quickly, grabbing his hips and swaying to the beat. The other beamed at Shane, biting back a smile as he quickly turned in Shane’s grip to playfully grind his ass against his boyfriend.
Now if we’re talking bodyYou got a perfect one so put it on meSwear it won’t take you long If you love me rightWe fuck for life, on and on and on
Ryland was just about to work his way into a spin when his foot got caught on one of Uno’s chew toys. His foot colliding with the soft material of the toy made him lose his balance. Before Shane could comprehend and grab him to prevent the fall, Ryland slipped on the wood floor—crashing hard.“Fuck!” He belted, grabbing his ankle as if to make sure it were still attached. Shane dropped to his knees, meeting Ryland on the floor.“Shit are you okay?!”“I think—I think I twisted my ankle…” Ryland choked out the words, biting back the tears as the pain started ripping through him. Shane panicked, giving his boyfriend a quick kiss to the forehead as he bolted up from the floor in desperate search of his phone.“Stay there! I’m getting an Uber!” Shane ran to the kitchen, pacing frantically as he set up the arrangements for Ryland to be brought to the hospital. Ryland did all he could to not laugh—because really, where would he be going right now—but also feeling extremely grateful that his boyfriend was so quick to help him and be there for him. Shane rushed back to the living room moments later, bag of frozen veggies in hand, words were flying from him lips but Ryland barely understood. Something about them being on their way. He would be lying if he said his head wasn’t spinning, too. Before he knew it, Shane was wrapping his arm’s around his frame, lifting him from the floor bridal-style and bringing him to the couch. “Don’t worry baby… you’re gonna be okay,” Shane placed the frozen peas on Ryland’s ankle, the other man instantly letting out a wince. He offered Shane a weak smile, reaching out to hold his hand as they waited for the Uber.
***The next morning, Ryland awoke in Shane’s protective arms, his boyfriend already awake and watching him with a worried look. He attempted to blink himself awake, rubbing his eyes as he tried to wipe away the sleep. Glancing down to his feet, he noticed his ankle was wrapped in medical cloth. A sigh escaped his lips as he nuzzled into Shane’s chest.“Hey, morning,” Shane cooed, placing a gentle kiss to Ryland’s head. The other grumbled in response. “How are you feeling?”“Sore.” Ryland rubbed his head, trying to piece together what even happened last night.“You slipped and fell on one of Uno’s toys,” Shane explained as if he had read Ryland’s mind, “I called for an Uber to get you to the hospital because we had been drinking. It’s not too serious—just a sprain. The doctor wrapped you up in the bandage and prescribed you some pain meds,” he grabbed the bottle from the nightstand table to show Ryland. “Try to stay off it as much as you can, and ice it as often as you need to,” Shane recited the instructions the doctor had given him. Ryland sighed once again. Had Shane actually carried him upstairs and into bed last night? He nuzzled deeper into Shane.“Thank you.”“For what?” Shane was puzzled, he hadn’t done anything.“For caring for me the way you do.” Ryland pressed a gentle kiss to Shane’s cheek. “Now, how about you help me downstairs so we can grab some breakfast? I need to take these pills with food, and I definitely need one right about now.” He groaned, pushing himself to sit up. Shane maneuvered Ryland’s arm around his neck, helping the man out of bed. They took slow, careful steps so Ryland could limp at his own pace without putting any extra pressure on his ankle. Everything was fine until they got to the stairs. Ryland stopped dead in his tracks and gulped. The spiral staircase was one of Ryland’s favorite parts of Shane’s home. Ever since he was a kid, he always loved them. He would fantasize about being a grown up, being able to walk down spiral stairs early in the morning in a robe and not have a single thing to worry about. In ways, he was living his childhood dream. His favorite thing to do was to waltz down the stairs wearing Shane’s oversized fluffy robe and sunglasses, acting like the Queen herself—just to hear Shane’s laugh.But now, with a busted ankle, this staircase was fucking terrifying. All those steps. What if he fell again? He was lucky that he only sprained his ankle, but the pain from that was almost too much. He couldn’t imagine actually breaking it. It must’ve been the sweat beading down his face, his skin going ghost-white, or how he actually stopped breathing that made Shane think he might be nervous. Without a word or second thought, Shane swooped Ryland up in his arms and carried him down the stairs. A gasp slipped through Ryland’s lips as he tightened his grip around Shane’s neck. Sometimes he actually forgot how strong Shane was. And right now, being held tightly against Shane’s chest, and feeling those arms around hm,, Ryland thought he might swoon. A rosy red crept up Ryland’s cheek, making Shane giggle.“You are so freaking adorable, you know that right?” Shane pressed a gentle kiss to Ryland’s jaw. As they neared the bottom of the stairs, Ryland couldn’t help but feel overcome with gratitude for his sweet boyfriend and how loving he was. Not only did Shane actually panic last night when Ryland got hurt, proceed to make immediate arrangements for them to get to the hospital and acknowledge that neither were in a state to drive, but then totally cater to Ryland’s needs and help him in every way possible.“Do you even realize how amazing you are, Shane Dawson?” Ryland hummed, carefully slipping out of Shane’s hold when they reached the last step. Shane blushed as he set Ryland down with ease, making sure to keep all weight off his bad ankle.“I’m not amazing—I’m your boyfriend, I’m supposed to take care of you. Scratch that, that makes it sound like a chore—I want to take care of you because I love you.” Ryland beamed at the older man, pulling Shane’s face down to his to crash their lips together, making the other hum in delight. Shane pulled away, helping Ryland over to the dining room table. “Wait here, I’ll get us some breakfast—and some water for you to take that medication with.” Before Shane could walk off, Ryland grabbed his arm, pulling him back in for another kiss.“Seriously Shane, thank you.” Ryland held Shane’s face in between his hands, staring deeply into those gorgeous, familiar blue eyes. ��I love you, okay? I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” Shane gave Ryland’s hand a loving squeeze. And he meant it. Last night when Ryland got hurt, he was terrified. Seeing him in pain, tore him apart and actually made his heart hurt—and it wasn’t just the burning of the alcohol in his chest. As long as Ryland would have him, Shane would always be there to care for and protect him. He only hoped it could be forever.
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@mod vape, do you have any tips for dealing with hypersexuality or addiction? bc uh. getting off hurts. idk if it’s specifically because ive been doing it so goddamn much or because of the fucking legion of medical problems i have, but it’s DEFINITELY making my abdominal pain worse and i dont know how to stop gjdfjhk.
Well, firstly, go to the doctor about that pain - there are injuries, illnesses, sexual dysfunctions, and all sorts of things from that could be causing a pain like that (it could be a pulled muscle, a cyst, maybe you aggravated a pre-existing health issue, etc), and it's best to rule out anything too dangerous as soon as you can, and to treat anything treatable. Even if it is tied to or caused by overdoing sex/masturbation, just mitigating that habit isn't guaranteed to fix it.
I was getting some pretty bad pain from even small dildos/vibrators, and I decided to go to the doctor in case it was something dangerous - thankfully, it turned out to just be a sexual dysfunction (basically spasms and tightening of the muscles in the vagina, in my case caused by trauma). I was supposed to get therapy for it, but I never went because I was having another therapy at the time and my carer was like "But what if they cancel each other out!?" and I was like "That's not how it works..." Sometimes it acts up but I think I've got it mostly under control. I've also had to go to the doctor for sprained/strained wrists more times than I would like to admit... I used to be like "Oh I played my guitar for too long" or "Oh I think I leant on my walking stick for too long" and now I'm just like "Wanker's cramp".
Trust me and my plethora of injuries when I say that doctors are professionals, they went to medical school, they see genitalia on a daily basis, they've seen eyes and ears and giant sores full of puss... it's really rare to get a doctor that will look down upon or judge you for that. Sure you'll get the odd "You should masturbate less", "Here's a big speech about the risks of STDs and pregnancy", "Have you told your therapist about this", but it's more of an "I'm contractually obliged to impart medical advice" than an "I think you're gross" 99% of the time.
Secondly, I do have tips, but I'm still hella bad at dealing with my own issues - I still smoke more than I want to, drink til I puke, sleep with strangers, lose days to laying in bed alone, have an aching pain in my wrists, etc. Obviously I don't have all of the answers, so I can't promise that they'll be the best tips in the world - it's worth doing some more research of your own, and it might be worth talking to your doctor/therapist if you can't manage it on your own.
You haven't given much detail about how specifically it affects you or what the addiction is to (sexual stuff in general, masturbation, casual sex, porn, etc), so I'm going to try to cover as much as I can (like dealing with sexual thoughts about people in your life, limiting the number of times you masturbate, etc) and I hope that at least some of what I say is useful to you.
Okay, so the first tip I have is: try not to slip into the mentality that cold turkey is the only way to go if it's not what you want - thinking "I can't have this. I'm not allowed this." can increase cravings. Thinking "I'm allowed this later... if I stay motivated not to do it now and if I only do it in moderation, and it's gonna be great." can make waiting out those cravings a lot easier, provided you have the self-control to not slip back into a bad habit after once.
Ways to avoid slipping back into bad habits include: having time (or number of the thing) limits for when and how long you are allowed, having something to do afterwards that takes your mind off it (for example "once I've done it once, I have to get up, take out the rubbish, email my boss, read that global warming article, and get ready for bed"), other rewards/punishments (put a book you really want in your Amazon basket then click "save for later", if at the end of the fortnight you've accomplished your goal then buy the book, if you fail the fortnight resets and you have to wait two more weeks - set smaller goals with smaller rewards, and larger goals with larger rewards), keeping and going over a diary so that you can see what worked and what didn't, if there's a pattern to failures, progress even if you're not meeting goals (at which point try to make the upcoming goals a little easier since you're expecting too much of yourself), and so on.
Secondly, and it's the most generic tip ever but it's SUPER important for addictions because they can damage your pre-frontal cortex... healthy diet, exercise, meditation, mental exercises, getting some sun, and other daily tasks are super important.
You need to get into the habit of something like reading or pottery or drawing for at least half an hour to an hour every day - turn off your internet, games, distractions, and maintain concentration on what you're doing. This helps repair the effects that addictions can have on your pre-frontal cortex and dopamine receptors by activating the parts of your brain that work towards maintained motivation and focus for smaller or distant rewards, which in turn will help your brain work normally again, which in turn will increase motivation and willpower.
Cooking more difficult meals will have similar benefits and a healthy diet improves your overall health. Exercise does the same even more effectively than either, and it has the added bonus of energizing you, increasing your focus on other tasks that you do afterwards, various health benefits, lifting your mood, and helping you be tired by the end of the day so that you'll be able to sleep easier - insomnia is a really dangerous trigger for any addiction, but especially a masturbation or sex addiction, because you're in an environment that is associated with that behaviour and the behaviour makes it easier to sleep afterwards, so you've every reason to start doing it if you find yourself unable to sleep.
Which brings me on to another reason why keeping a diary is especially important - you need to isolate your triggers. Establish what happened immediately before the behaviour, what you were thinking, and what potentially led to the behaviour. Then you can work towards either avoiding those triggers, lessening them, being mindful of them, or training yourself to exhibit a different behaviour in response to them - for example, if having a shower triggers you to masturbate, try singing in the shower instead, training your brain to react to showers with the urge to sing instead of the urge to masturbate.
You might also want to try sleeping meds, so that you can take them, read until they start to kick in, and then immediately go to bed and try to sleep - that way there's less of a gap between going to bed and falling asleep where something could happen.
Routine can also be really helpful for some people - you're supposed to fall asleep between about 10pm and 1am for optimal sleep, and you're supposed to wake up between 6 and 8 hours later. Get out of bed as soon as you wake up to avoid lethargy, and either exercise or go for a short walk, or do something that starts your brain and body working for the day. After that, prepare breakfast, don't watch TV or distract yourself while you eat. Continue the day with a routine that works for you, and you could set a time at which you will masturbate (or maybe a date you're allowed to go to the club and pull... how you work in routine if you have a long-term sexual partner is something you would need to talk to them about) that doesn't interfere with your routine.
Avoid bars, pubs, clubs, tinder, grindr, and anything else that can be a trigger for that or makes quick hook-ups easy - I know that I can go to the pub near me (because there'll be nobody there for that, it's an "old people come here to watch football" pub), and that I can go to a pub or bar with friends if I'm having a good day, but making sure that my flat wasn't within walking distance of a club and deleting dating apps was really helpful to me (it meant that even if the temptation was there the effort required to act on it was too much and took too long, so I'd catch myself).
I also log off any tumblr that I'm following people on that post NSFW, porn, sexual stuff or anime stuff if necessary - just like how I log off any tumblrs where I follow political blogs if I'm getting overwhelmed by that. But it is still good to have a tumblr for NSFW stuff, to have somewhere that you can express certain things, reblog things, feel less alone, enjoy things that you enjoy - don't demonize the side of you that likes sex, don't lock it in a cell in the back of your head, just tell it that it can't control you.
I'm also working on not putting myself in as many situations that can make me feel like I'm being too flirty or as many situations that cause too many uncomfortable or sexual thoughts at a time when they're stressing me - like, I don't come online as much when I'm drunk now, I don't have as many sleepovers, and I don't tend to maintain physical contact for as long (like, I don't hold hands as often as I used to), for example.
That said, you can't live out your life hiding from people who your brain might think something sexual about - isolating yourself is unhealthy. Humans are social creatures and social interaction is good for us, talking to people about our problems is good for us, distractions and fun are good for us. I find structured social plans make things easier - so, I like plans like "lets cook together then eat the awesome meal", "lets go see a movie", "lets go to the town center and taste hot chocolate from as many cafés as we can before I puke", "lets go to the fair" and things like that (that said, agoraphobia is awful and ruins like 90% of my social interaction). Keep people in your life who you're comfortable with and who make you happy.
Remember that what you're thinking or mental images that pop into your head aren't evil, it doesn't mean that you have a crush on them, that you actually want to do sexual things with them, that you can't be their friend, or anything like that... they're just thoughts. You didn't choose them. Just let them pass.
Your surroundings and triggers are incredibly important things to stay on top of though, be that to mitigate stress in social situations, or to prevent you from engaging in more sex/masturbation than you want to or than is safe for you to.
Don't spend your day in the same place that you masturbate - even if you don't live alone you can avoid being in bed when you're in your room, you could get a sofa, beanbag, comfy chair, gigantic cushion, or other comfortable place to sit in your bedroom so that you don't have to be in your bed, and put that in a part of your room with different posters/decoration to those around your bed.
Lots of things can become associated with certain behaviours in your brain, from sitting in a certain place to feeling a certain emotion. Try to avoid being too exposed to those things at times when you don't intend to be doing something sexual, and replace them with other things that make you happy, keep you distracted, and aid in training concentration and willpower (maths games, board games, card games, puzzles, reading, cooking, exercise, drawing, writing, etc).
Even things like separating any porn or sexual pictures in your phone into a hidden folder instead of having it pop up when you go to look for pictures, or keeping magazines or the pornhub bookmark out of sight, can really help with lessening the regularity with which things pop into your head.
Finally, and I've hinted at it throughout this, mindfulness and meditation are things that many addicts find incredibly helpful. It's really worth doing some googling, watching some YouTube videos, and learning those techniques (and it's good to be doing research in general into ways to help addictions or hypersexuality disorders, because there are quite a few schools of thought and there are probably a lot of things that I've missed).
Meditation, like reading and exercise, helps train your mind into maintaining focus, not reacting to distractions and urges, relaxing, letting thoughts pass by, and being less hectic and loud - it also has health benefits, can help you sleep, can help you take time from your busy schedule to yourself (an urge that may have been previously feeding the addictions instead, as they can be linked to a need for control), and can help you work through thoughts or anxieties.
Mindfulness helps in various ways too - for example, smokers found that being mindful (observing, essentially) helped them quit because it led to them paying more attention to how bad the cigarette tasted, and it also allowed them to non-judgmentally observe the cravings that they felt, observe why they were feeling those cravings, and allow them to pass by. It's about letting your thoughts exist, letting things exist, acknowledging them, but not letting them control you.
You can study mindfulness for yourself - research it online, read one of the many books about it, watch YouTube videos, etc - or you can go to the doctor and ask for a therapy that teaches mindfulness (I found learning about it in my own time more helpful, and have had more success with that, but I think that was mostly related to not having a great therapist - plus, online gives me more opportunities to look into the how and why, to see how other people do it, to look deeper into it, to take as long as I need, while therapy was just an elderly lady snapping at me for using my phone and telling me to imagine that my thoughts are clouds and distracting me constantly).
So yeah...
Step 1: Go to the doctors for that pain, it's probably something minor but it's better safe than sorry.
Step 2: Do more research, Mod Vape doesn't know everything.
Step 3: Keep a diary and try to isolate what things are triggering you, what you're feeling beforehand, and be mindful of what you're thinking, what you're feeling, and what you're gaining/losing from the experience.
Step 4: Try to keep yourself away from things that trigger you, but also remember that you don't have to entirely abstain from valuable things - you can train new reactions as responses to those things, you can work on self-control, and so on.
Step 5: Work on your routine, diet, exercise, habits, and hobbies, so that you can improve your willpower, motivation, and health.
Step 6: Research and practice meditation and mindfulness.
Step 7: Set and work towards small goals, rewarding yourself for successes and keeping track of your progress.
Step 8: If you can't control the addiction or behaviour, if the thoughts are becoming difficult to live with, if these problems continue to cause you distress, there is no shame in seeking professional help. You don't have to do this alone.
Remember that chemical imbalances and other neurological issues can cause such things - if you can't manage it alone, that could be a warning sign that something serious or physiological is going on. Not being able to quit doesn't necessarily mean that somebody's "not trying hard enough", and instead of beating yourself up talk to somebody who can do blood tests, scans, or whatever else is necessary to make sure that you're okay and that you overcome your struggles.
~ Vape
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