cw: Bakugou dies but comes back to life, “comes back wrong” trope, implied fighting, angst

When Bakugou died, you’re not sure how you went on living. Grief had taken over your life, sat you in the passenger side while it cruised off the highway into icy waters. And even then, you couldn’t find the energy to drown.

It’s why there’s a sudden uptick of energy when you’re promised to have him back. Some top scientists contact you months after his death, tell you to hurry down to the headquarters labs, come and rejoice for what you’re about to witness. And you’re horrified, to say the least.

“This isn’t my husband.” Are your first words when you walk in, watch the figure on the other side of the glass examine its own hands. It looks like your husband but—but his hair isn’t the right shade of blond all over. His nose bridge had a slight bump after a scuffle with a villain. He had a scar on his hand but—but it never looked like it was to sew a pinky beside the other fingers.

“Is that really my husband?” You ask next in disbelief, slowly entering the room. Bakugou’s head snaps up, his eyes a little brighter than you remember but—they hold so much emotion. So much memory, so much panic, so much guilt.

“I left you.” He mutters, his voice raspy and ragged, and you wonder if it’ll always be like this now. It makes you cry a little harder than it should, but you only embrace each other. He’s cold and his shoulders don’t hold the same mass and his back doesn’t carry the same scars. There’s one, jagged and rough, running down his back, and you think, you think that’s where they slipped a new spine in.

“Welcome back home.” You tell him, weeks after meeting him again, new and not totally—Katsuki. He’s stiff and he doesn’t immediately take off his boots when he enters, and it worries you. Makes you think if you’ve just let a stranger into your home, one that has stolen your dead husbands face. Makes you wonder if he’ll be as loving as Katsuki once was, or if he’ll become your monster looming over you with the guilt of not being able to rest anymore.

“I’ve missed you so much.” You whisper against his mouth one night, a little while after he’s moved back. You don’t know why you lay under him, why you let him nestle himself inside of you, why you let him hold you against his chest. Katsuki always ran his hands over your cheeks and neck whenever he held you like this, but this…man, only holds himself up with his hands resting beside your head. It’s alien, how he looks at you, how his hips are methodically measured with every thrust, how he kisses you every 8 seconds. You wonder if he’s more robot than Frankenstein monster.

“Why did you come back to me like this?” You ask him one night, barricaded in the bathroom away from him. You can hear his sobs on the other side, his pleading to be let in. He tells you he never wanted to come back if he had to be like this, that he’s sorry, please let him in, he misses the warmth of your skin, he’s never been so cold before, he’s never liked the cold.

“Is this considered cheating?” You ask yourself aloud one night, when Bakugou is forced back to the lab when he becomes too…un-Bakugou. To sleep with a man that is your husband in every way but? Your husband has been dead for a year now, and yet you stroke the chin of the man that tries so hard to be him everyday, but fails so miserably at it every time.

“I’ll come back to you right this time.” Bakugou promises to you when he’s strapped down to leave for the lab and before he’s sedated. But you don’t believe him—you never did. Your husband is dead, and this animated corpse has been nothing but a cheap mockery of everything you’ve lost and something you will never truly get back.

I had a meltdown today. It was just pretty crap in general.

It started last night, when I got 3 hours sleep over a period of 9 hours. My mind wouldn’t shut up, the PTSD was in full swing. So I got a phone call for the psych at 9 (still sleep deprived at that stage), and it turns out the next available appointment is a MONTH from now. And God, the way today took a turn, I wish it was sooner.

By the time I finally got a relatively decent amount of sleep, it was like 1.30 to 2. And when I first saw dad, his first words were giving me shit about staying in my room for so long. So that was just a marvellous start to the day. Then the mail came in. It was the green slip for my car rego and it came out at… an amount I really can’t afford. I told dad, (the only other person at home), and his first reaction was to get a job. Except I’ve been waiting about a job at a graphic shirt company, which I’d honestly been really looking forward to. It was a graphic design job, in an area that I actually enjoy, in a town that I know, with a person I know and I wouldn’t have had to move. But… I got a text from the person I knew in the company, and it turns out that they hired someone inside after deciding to downsize. So, I was assaulted by all those fears about going to the city.

New work place, new people, new routine, new job, new living arrangements, new travelling plans. I hate new. At least when I went to uni, I knew exactly where I was staying, exactly what I was doing, exactly where I had to go. I had research to calm me down. But now, all I’ve got is a possible place to stay and that’s IT. I don’t know if I’m going to be working at a studio like I want to or stuck adhering to corporate guidelines. I don’t know what field I’ll be working in, hell I don’t even know where in the city it’ll be. Everything is so up in the air and I can’t even obsess over research like normal since there is nothing to research. I don’t know what trains or buses to take, or if I can drive, what route to take, how long it’s going to take, what the company is about, anyone that’s in the company. Nothing. And it’s freaking me the hell out.

So with all of that running through my brain, I start having a panic attack and looking through seek and all those websites to see if there are any graphic design jobs in my home town, and there’s nothing. One government job that requires background. And there isn’t even much for casual jobs, but that sent me into a panic thinking about staying indefinitely. There’s a chance I’d never even get a design job if I go into casual work.

So then I do the dishes and I panic even more, so I go into my old bedroom to try and make myself feel better, but it just made everything worse. All it did was remind me that I don’t have a safe place anymore. My bedroom? It’s as much of a junk room as ever. How can it ever really be mine, when there’s trauma in there. And especially since my parents are too busy to paint the room or get their stuff out.

And then there’s that little voice in my head that’s whispering about me being worthless. My cousin is in the middle of cancer treatment and I can’t help. My pop is in hospital and I can’t help. I feel like I’m offending or upsetting someone half the time, and I always have the feeling that dad is excited at the prospect of me leaving and taking my “crap” with me. And then there’s the fact that I went from having multiple groups of friends, to two friends. Majority of them were only friends with me because we were in classes together, the other half were only talking to me because I was in their church group. Then the only two friends I have left aren’t much of a support network. AB is too caught up in her own world to even notice I’m drowning. Hell, she doesn’t even ask if I’m okay unless she thinks I’m mad at her. She doesn’t even text me anymore unless I start the convo. And AM is too busy with her work and boyfriend and soon uni, plus she has ADHD so I’m sure that the object permanence comes into play when she forgets to text for a couple of months. And because of all that, I have no one to invite to my graduation except my parents.

And then my brain takes the sharp left hand turn to think, if no one wants to come to my once in a lifetime graduation, then who would come to my funeral. I’m a fucking loner and I don’t want to be.

It’s times like this where I feel I’m close to taking a grippy sock vacation. The meltdown didn’t help - I’ve given myself bruises on my legs because I was doing harmful stims without wanting to. I’ve even been having nightmares about going on one of those vacations. But when you spend an hour sitting on the floor crying, rocking back and forth, hitting yourself and screaming if hair gets stuck to your sweaty palms, it’s hard to think you don’t deserve to go on a “vacation”.

Sorry for the war and peace.

bleh 

god today i’m just... very stressed about my future and it’s really multifaceted. it’s definitely partly bc my anxiety is High bc something reminded me of my trauma the other day so last night was somniphobia central but even after taking a 2 hr nap (i wasnt sleeping all two hours but im def more well-rested) i’m just... blergh

for one dunkin didn’t give me a straight answer about if i’m coming back, like i literally went there this morning and talked to the assistant manager face to face and she said they were reviewing applications so they’d pull mine up from last year and then she asked about my availability which makes me think that it’s gonna be like, they give me the weird hours no one wants? and last year part of why i liked the job was bc getting shifts out of the way in the morning was REALLY nice, bc then i was awake and i had the afternoons free, but if she has me closing regularly or god forbid opening (opening shifts at dunks start at 3:30-4:30 AM depending on the day) like i genuinely just... might not do it? and if they don’t get back to me i have to try to find a seasonal job within like 2 months while being literally 500 miles away

and part of me just doesn’t want to get a job bc asking for time off/working out schedules last summer was so immensely stressful and maybe it’ll be less so with a COMPETENT manager but since they’ve been so obtuse with communications i doubt it and i just. i just want a nice relaxing summer? school has been so absurdly stressful for me and like frankly, i’m miserable 90% of the time? the only reason i’ve kind of taken transferring to a school in maryland (like jhu most likely bc its the only one at like the same level) off the table is bc ive had SUCH good experiences with classes and professors, esp in the department i want to major in. and it sucks so much bc this was my DREAM school, i cried for hours after getting in i was so happy, but i’m miserable? and like the idea of taking a semester off is just scary as shit bc its just not like... the normal path

and i’m so stressed about my plans long term, my dad tried to have a conversation with me the other day about my plans for the summer and then he was like “and what are your long term plans?” and i mumbled off something about med school maybe or something in public health and he was like “you know, if you really want to do anything in public health you need to be a physician” which is like wow! great! fucking great! and i dipped out of that convo REAL fast but i’ve just been avoiding thinking about med school since my mom and i argued about it when i was home for katsu and she basically said that i shouldn’t be thinking about it for now and it stings so much bc i have NO idea what else i’d do that would make me happy but i don’t know if i can deal with it emotionally, i don’t know if i can deal with the stress of the profession. and i think it’s worse given that like... my dad doesnt get my mental health the way my mom does, he was like, top of his class two varsity sports in hs, played college sports and graduated magna cum laude from college and got his masters and his med degree at a time when med school admissions were super less competitive than they are now and so i think he has this mindset of like “well /i/ did it so why can’t you?”

and like this is something it would be great to talk to my therapist about but i’m in this weird situation where i never went back to seeing my boston therapist bc we didnt mesh but also bc i tricked myself into thinking i was at a point where i could cope with my PTSD on my own and like i guess i could start seeing my md psych again this summer but like? that’s just ANOTHER thing to stress about. i don’t know. today’s not a good day i’m just trying to think through things and the future is scary as shit

OKAY FIRST DAY OVER BUT ILL PROBABLY MAKE ANOTHER POST AT THE END OF THE WEEEEK. SO im gonna switch out of my act prep class bc i really want that ap study lab and i know thers one during that period so it should b an easy switch AND I got the math teacher that sucks and everyones tellin me to switch out but i have a lotta chingus in that class so i think ill stay for this semester and if it gets rlly bad ill switch out for second semes. I GOT JULIAN FUCKIN LEEEE IN MY APUSH CLASS LMAO ITS GONNA BE A GOOD YEAR😩😩 aND me jessica and alex have all our ap classes together so I HAVE AN AP STUDY GrOuP. ALSO JUSTIN STAMARIA IS IN MY AP ENG CLASS AMD WE SAT NEXT TO EACH OTHER AND WE TALKED A LOT AND I THINK WE GOOD FRIENDS NOW YALL THIS YEAR IS RLLY LOOKIN UP. And i passed justin olsen in the hall and we looked at each other and he gave me that head👏🏼👏🏼 nod👏🏼👏🏼 thanks justin ma boi😩 OHHDUDHSHS AND ME AND MY UTAH SQUAD ARE ALL TAKING APUSH SO WE CAN HAVE THOSE SKYPE STUDY DATES IM SO EXCITED I MISS THEM AND ITLL HELP US A LOT BC WE ALL HAVE DIFF TEACHERS SO THEYLL TEACH US DIFFERENTLY AND WE CAN SHARE WHAT WE LEARNEDED I BET WE ALL GET 4S ON THE AP TESTYST. OH and im switching out of my painting class for ap design and marcelas doin it with me so i alredy have a friend in that class amd its the same period so its also an easy switch yeeyeyeyeye. I got lunch w jade for B days and im so excited also erica is finally here and i showed her to her classes this morn and im rlly excited shes gonna have such a fun highschool time. I got like 3 classes w ariana and i think we culd be better friends this year bc we wont be hanging out that much after school its just gonna stay in school except for tevakanui days. Psych is gonna be such a fun class the teacher is so chill and thers gonna be a lotta jokes told in there i can tell. I got physics w kristen and biz and seth but seth is switchin out to ap (lame) and the teacher said there would be a lot of group stuff so im excited to work w kristen and her friend anika. HOW DID I NOT KNOW ANIKA SHES FRIENDS W A LOTTA MY FRIENDS AND SHES REALLY PRETTY AND NICE WTF. And after school i wend to mcdo w erica and jade and it was rlly chill and fun im glad we did it. N while we were waiting for my mom to pick us up erica introduced her new friend to us and he started a streak w me so i think we friends now plus we had a mini convo on sc about how dumb remmington is SO i think i made 2 friends today wooooottt. U know i think this may be the best year of highschool i got some cute dudes in my classes FOR ONCE OHMYGOD I NEVER GET THE CUTE DUDES BUT ANYWAY if god was rlly listenin mayb he’ll send one my way on his free time #LIVINONAPRAYER AND YOU KNOW WHAT. ITHINK. I THINK IM FINALLY 100% OVER JON. I POSTED ON MY STORY TODAY WITHOUT SECOND GUESSING IF I SHULD POST IT BC JON WOULD SEE ANDDDD I LOOKED AT HIS STORY AND JUST WENT ‘stfu jon’ BC I HATE HIM AND I CAN FIND SOMEONE BETTRRR. Egeheh but watch december roll around and idk we’ll see im thinkin about just ignoring him if he tries to contact me. BUT FR i think this year is actually going to be the best one but i dont wanna jinx it so FINGERS CROSSED. idkk why but whenever i think about junior year being the best i think abt allisons post where she was like '12/13 and the best one yet’ and she was like holdin jons hand or smthn but u couldnt see idk it just reminds me of that BuT i dont wanna be allison 2.0 bc im pretty sure thats what i am to jon we’re jus wayy to similar so im lowkey prayin junior year wont be the best bc i dont wanna be like allison but i also want junior year to be the very best bc i can feel its gonna be lit. Idk fcuk allison im gonna make junior year the best. AND PLEASE JESUSY SEND ME A SIGN WEN UR REDY TO SEND A BOIJ MY WAyyyYyyy

2 entries, 1 post-logged (long post)

today my friend sat down to me just before class started, looked me in the eyes and said "i was talking to my friend about lit and arts in general. why aren't you taking e lit?" and to this friend i had never mentioned anything about lit before. 

then ensued the long conversation over break about why i didn't take lit and it was different because for once it wasn't about why i took psych. we concluded that there really wasn't a reason why, some things just end up like that. 

"ok i just felt prompted to tell you that you’d make a very good vessel for what lit tackles through acads, and that we need people who are able to learn about these mindsets without being completely influenced by the systems it's being communicated through (in my head: wat. we spoke 5 times. maybe more. slightly.) - i mean psych, lit, sociology. absorbing content is easy-" 

 "it's not-" 

*talks over me* "but knowing what and how things are influencing you, and communicating them clearly to other people is not easy.”

“i don’t-”

“i think we tend to underestimate what grace gives to us just because we always had it. are you doing well in psych?" 

"sharing what you have before you even do your masters, the passion and love that you have for lit and how it affects others, i think it'll add value to a lot of lives. we need these conversations." i wouldn't type myself as an academic, or as a content creator. but i would type myself as a communicator - a very traumatised one sure, but still. 

been having a lot of these convos lately, which is why i feel like posting about them, from the least of them all- weiting. "how can you be so selective about who you share your thoughts with? (we were talking about langleav and the effects of her writing going from tumblr to mainstream audiences) don't you think they're important?" (i do.) "don't you think you should share them with as many people as possible even if they don't want to hear, especially if not knowing will cost them?" (i don't believe in that, in shoving opinions down people's throats or fighting to convince them of something. if they don’t want to get it, they won’t.) "but not knowing could hurt them!" (again, if they don’t want to get it, they won’t. i also have a pet peeve for narrow minded assholes. and so asides from a very select few people that i feel i rly need to MAKE them see, like u, c, s, i don't care. and things affect different people in different ways. some people don’t need to hear what others need to. but if ppl were rly bothered tho, all they need to do is ask. i will share. it’s what i’ve been doing for like, life. i guess the only difference is how much i share.) "and what does that depend on?" (on how much i think they can handle. friendly reminder: NMA.) 

i miss the academic rigour of writing a lit paper instead of my quarter-hearted rambles on here after reading a book, and i don't want the critical readings on odyssey/genesis/john to be the highest point in my lit career tbvh. (i miss dr yeoh.) but i think the lesson goes beyond that. i think it goes beyond learning about yourself to learning what you have been given. and i think i’ve been running from what i’ve been given for a very long time - i don't even dare to mention it. i’m scared? of my own gifts that God’s given to me? because i don’t know how to use it? i’m scared of using it wrongly??? /facepalm gonna just use the ones i’m comfortable with first i guess.

(she tells me about her dying friend who took NTU lit and who shared her love for the written word and its effects all the way till her last breath. I think about what life could've been if i took up NTU's offer. I think about what the dean had said. I think about what could've been if i chose to major in lit instead. i think about a graveyard of missed opportunities- not just lit. people, too. i think about what kind of conversations i would be having now. “positive psych is the best thing that happened to me in my entire uni life. this one module made all the other abnormal, disorder, trauma psych worth it, and balanced out grp dynamics & human performance.” “is it you having cognitive dissonance right now?” “eh, PTSD etiology is like that one meh.” “i’m pretty sure poker doesn’t count as a ritual.” “so just to clarify this doesn’t involve religious theology right, i confused ah.” “oh my god kids are so dumb.” “omg we developed so fast?!” “marriage is a nightmare” “divorce is a nightmare” “drug use is a nightmare” “depression is a nightmare” “anxiety sucks” “CBT, CBT, CBT. CBT everything also can use right!” “dude, what kind of attachment did you have to your main caregiver?” “can we use this to manipulate people?” “why are our brain neurons like that” “so we imitate more than monkeys do? wtf these mirror cells!!!!” “is anger justifiable?” “what are emotions? when do they become functional?” “should a disorder result in lighter law sentences?” “we are. truly. what we think.” looking back, I STUDIED A SHITLOAD FOR PSYCH but what do i even remember. how much content did i even cram omg.) 

but this is not a post about lit or psych, even though i’m pretty much rambling about lit & psych at this point. this is a post about learning, and i’d like to remind myself of that. i don’t regret taking psych, because without the courses i wouldn’t search it on my own. if i took lit, it’d have been lit everywhere all day err day. i might have gotten sick of it. psych gives lit dimension. it might seem weird to reblog quotes from a dead person, but she inspired me a little, and so i will. 

i saw prof camilo today and he did a double-take, but i had my “don’t talk 2 me” face on and i REGRET because he SINGLE HANDEDLY saved my GPA on a mod i DIDN’T EVEN LIKE. 

post-logged post 

in the spirit of vday i'd like to share a v impt lesson some1 taught me over drinkz 

it's more impt to find someone interested in u than to find someone interested in the things u r interested in

bc if they're interested in u they'll take interest in what u're interested in & probably join u tho it's x necessary in the r/s 

case in point: (classified) 

 that's all i thought it was revelationary (this is not an actual word) 💕