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faofinn · 7 months

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28. "I should've stayed home"

Part 1 | Part 2

Tom looked up at her, catching the urgency in her tone. He reached to rub at Finn’s chest, knuckles on bare skin. "Finn, come on, take a breath. You can do it."

"He's not going to, is he?" She murmured.

"I've got the BVM. Do you want to update them and get the pads on?" Tom asked, swapping the masks over. "There we go, that's getting air entry there. Sats are coming back up. Should we intubate?"

Fao bit his lip, feeling his stomach twist. This wasn’t uncommon for Finn, but it wasn’t good. It was the end of their holiday, that was for certain, and they were desperately far away from their safety net. They had all his paperwork with them, management plans and everything, but it was still worrying.

He forced himself to take a deep breath, wishing Finn could do the same.

Finn ended up intubated, crit care travelling with them to keep him sedated and stable. While Sheila travelled with them, Fred and Fao had to follow in the car behind them. With the severity of the situation, they pre-alerted him in, travelling on blues and treating with diesel. It was straight through to resus when they arrived, teams swarming around Finn. As awful as it sounded, Sheila was glad Finn was sedated, he'd have been unable to cope with the fuss and everything on top of him. He was quickly sent for scans, thankfully stable enough to go to CT, but Sheila couldn't help the worry and nausea that curled in her stomach. They were meant to be on holiday. Finn had been doing so well, and now they were in resus, and he was very much not okay.

The EEG done by bedside was positive, no signs of seizure activity during their test. Of course, they couldn't be sure if the epilepsy was the sole reason for the seizure, or if the head injury had played a part in it too. The MOI itself was concerning, a fall from any height could be dangerous, especially one head first. By some miracle stroke of luck, the scans were good. No new brain bleed or skull fracture, no c-spine (or spine in general) injury. His arm wasn't lucky, quite a significant break to his humerus, but bones could heal.

He was transferred up to ICU, the plan to slowly reduce his sedation see where they were up to. Calls were made to SGUH, an attempt to keep on top of things, and they happily agreed with the management plan. They'd cleaned his wounds while he was sedated, the fracture reduced and splinted while they could do anything. Of course, Fao was by his side the entire time, barely refusing to let go of his little brother's hand.

Fao hated it. At George’s, people knew him now, having done placements and spent so much time with Finn, Steve always spoke to him like a doctor, made sure everyone was in the loop, and knew Finn well enough to treat. The team here had been good, of course, but it wasn’t their normal. Everything felt wrong, Fao had gotten lost more than once in the short time they’d been there, and the ICU was unfamiliar.

When the fuss had subsided, and Finn was left alone (or as alone as he could be), Fao sunk into the chair by his bed, forcing a deep breath. Fred and Sheila had taken five minutes to run to the shop to grab some lunch for the three of them, making Fao promise to keep them updated but not expecting anything.

Finn’s sedation had been reduced, and he'd slowly started becoming more aware of his surroundings. It took him forever to realise he had something down his throat, forcing air into his lungs, and he hated it. He tossed his head, trying to breathe with it. There was a flare of pain as his arm moved, and he grimaced, trying to get away.

Fao looked up as Finn fussed, reaching to squeeze his hand. “It’s okay, you’re okay.”

Fao. That meant he was safe, wherever he was. It was easier to try to squeeze Fao's hand than to open his eyes, and though it was weak, it was there.

“I’m here, just relax, you’re okay.” Fao reassured, squeezing Finn’s fingers.

He finally managed to work out how to open his eyes, fighting through the drugs pulling him down. As awful as it was, Finn had spent enough time in ICU to know how to breathe with the tube. He took a moment to try to relax, his teeth grinding on the hard plastic.

“That’s it, you’re okay.” Fao said, leaning forwards so his brother could see him. “You can breathe with it, you’re okay.”

Finn made to scrub his eyes, moving the arm not holding Fao's hand. The sudden spike in his heart rate was a clear indication of pain and panic, the drugs clouding his thoughts but not enough to stop the pain.

“Careful, don’t try and move too much.” Fao told him gently.

The pain had him struggling against the tube, overwhelmed and fighting to catch his breath. He gripped Fao's hand tighter, the flash of fear in his eyes not going unnoticed.

Fao instinctively reached out, running his hand through his hair. “You’re alright, you’re okay. You can breathe with it, just relax, I’m here. You’re just fine.”

He couldn't manage it, couldn't work out why Fao wasn't helping. He pulled his hand away, reaching for the tube. If nobody was going to help him, he'd sort it himself.

“Leave it alone Finn, it’s okay.” Fao said softly. “Leave it, that’s it.”

As the monitors continued to alarm, the nursing team arrived to check on him. With Fao's attention on the staff coming in, Finn tried again, his fingers grabbing onto the plastic. He pulled as hard as he could manage, choking and retching as he did so.

The retching from his brother pulled Fao’s attention back to him, heart sinking as he pulled the tube. “Oh, Finn.” He mumbled. He let the staff work as much as he could, but gripped his brother’s hand again, trying to distract him.

He'd dislodged it enough to be a problem, his monitors and observations screaming their displeasure. He was with it enough to follow their instructions, so they made the decision to pull it completely, in a slightly more controlled manner than Finn had attempted.

It was nerve wracking, watching them pull the tube. Finn had a horrible habit of fighting it and then just refusing to breathe once it was gone, and it was hard to watch. He kept quiet, letting them do their work, and soon enough it was gone properly. Fao held his own breath as he waited for Finn to breathe again, his heart pounding.

“Well done Finn, that’s it.”

Finn struggled once they'd pulled it, turning to look at Fao with fear as he gripped his hand tighter. He couldn't manage a breath in, convinced he was going to die.

“You can do it, you’re doing so well.” He encouraged. “You’re okay.”

His breath caught in his throat and he coughed again, the tube having irritated his throat already, and then him making it worse as he'd pulled it. With the cough came another, and then finally, finally, a breath in. He took a few deep breaths, closing his eyes as he rested his head against the bed in exhaustion.

“Well done.” Fao praised. “You can rest, it’s okay, you’re safe.”

The nurses adjusted the oxygen, reaching over to put a mask on. Finn cracked an eye open and glared at them, completely unimpressed at the situation.

Fao couldn’t help but laugh. “Finn, don’t be a dick. You need it, it’s not forever, and it’s better than the tube.”

He turned his face away as they tried again, his eyebrows pulled into a frown.

"Finn, come on. If you don't, we'll have to go more invasive again. Let me put the mask on, okay? We'll be able to take it off later."

Still glaring at them, he nodded in defeat. He didn't look impressed, but let them put it on, hating that he felt better for it. His voice cracked, barely there, but he tried.

"Thanks."

“Suits you.” Fao teased.

Finn turned to him, his glare returned. "Fuck off."

“Hey, language.”

"'Urts?"

“What hurts?”

"All."

“Can he have some more pain relief?” Fao asked.

"We'll get you something, Finn. Aside from the pain, how are you feeling?"

He shrugged with his good arm. "Dunno."

“That’s alright.”

"Fuzzy." He managed after a while, glancing at Fao. He pulled his hand from Fao's, clumsily signing drink.

“Drink?” Fao echoed.

Finn nodded, repeating the sign. His throat hurt, which wasn't surprising, but he didn't have the energy to fix it.

“We’ll see if the nurses can get you something to drink.” Fao murmured.

"What do you want, Finn? Some juice? Water?"

He forced his eyes open again, giving a heavy sigh in discontent. He turned to look at Fao properly, waiting for him to answer for him.

Fao stroked through his hair again. “Juice, yeah? Better than water.”

The corner of his lip twitched into a smile, and he gave a small nod. Fao always knew the right answer.

The nurse gave them both a smile. "I'll go get you some juice, then."

“Thank you.” Fao said, settling back in the chair. “Mum and dad will be back in a minute, Finn.”

He cracked an eye open again, drink? Food?

“They went to go get something to eat, yeah.”

He nodded again, shuffling slightly to get comfortable again. The drugs were still strong, and despite the pain in his arm, he was comfortable and warm. His hand found Fao's and he tapped at him: one, two, three. I love you.

Fao smiled, instinctively tapping back. “I love you too, Finn.”

Finn gave a sleepy smile, lacing his fingers with Fao's. He knew the pain relief and juice were on their way, but he was tired, exhausted from everything, and five minutes wouldn't hurt.

“That’s it, get some rest.”

He was asleep almost immediately, quite content. His peace was disturbed by the nurse returning, bringing his juice and pain relief.

"Finn? Finn, sweetie, I've got your medicine."

Finn startled, a moment of panic before his brain caught up through the haze. He nodded again, offering the nurse a smile.

"Let me find your arm under there, eh? There we are. Just your pain relief." She hummed, giving it slowly. "There you go, all done. I'll leave your drink with your brother, but just small sips, alright? Just give us a shout if you need anything else."

Fao offered the nurse a smile, thanking her for everything before she left. Then they were alone again, and Fao sighed. “Glad you’re okay.” He admitted softly.

Finn had already drifted, the drugs making the room spin. At Fao's voice he forced himself to look at him. Even though Fao was far from in focus, Finn gave him a dopey smile, squeezing his hand.

Of course Finn couldn’t really reply, but Fao appreciated the smile. “You’re okay.”

Finn was happy enough to drift, Fao's hand in his hair and the other holding his. He was pain free and warm, so slipped quickly. There was a slight commotion as Sheila and Fred returned, but he was too deep to really give much response.

Fao turned to acknowledge his parents, offering them a small smile. “He tried to do their job and pull the tube, so it’s out now.”

Sheila paused, her eyes narrowed. "When you say he tried to do their job, you mean he pulled it out?"

“Tried, didn’t do a very good job, just dislodged it. He panicked.”

Fred's heart broke. "Bless him. I know it's awful seeing him when he's in here, but I think George's had it right when they restrained him."

Fao nodded. “Yeah, it’s for his own good. They usually keep more meds on hand, too, but they were good. Got the tube out easily enough.”

"Oh that's good, then." Sheila smiled to herself. "Here, I've got you a drink and a sandwich."

“Oh, thanks.” He murmured, reaching for them.

"He's been alright though?"

“In pain, but he’s just had some more painkillers.”

"His arm?"

“Yeah, I think so. Wasn’t making loads of sense.”

"Does he ever?" Fred joked.

“That’s true.�� Fao said with a grin.

"You're not even wrong." Sheila managed a laugh.

“He’s okay, though. Communicated well enough.”

"That's good."

“Yeah. And good he’s got rid of the tube.”

"He still ended up here. He's not had such a bad status in a while."

“Yeah.” Fao murmured. “It’ll get discussed with Steve.”

"I hate that we're so far away."

“Me too. Everything is wrong.”

Finn stretched out with a quiet whine, frowning. His eyes flicked around the room, his expression changing to a grin as he saw his parents.

"Mum! Dad!" His voice was still rough, barely there, but easily heard in the silence of the ICU.

“Yeah, they came back.” Fao said softly.

Fred reached to pat Finn’s knee. "Hey, kid. How you feeling?"

Finn sniffed. "Rubbish."

“Gonna feel a bit crap for a bit.” Fao said gently.

"'m sorry."

“Hey, don’t be sorry.”

"My fault."

“It’s not your fault.”

"It is." He scrubbed his eyes, his breath catching in his throat. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, Finn, baby." Sheila soothed, standing to move closer. "It's not your fault, these things happen."

"I should have stayed home." He managed. "I wanted to go out and I forgot to take my meds because Fao was ready."

"Oh, Finn." She sighed.

Fao made a noise, unable to be annoyed when his little brother just looked so upset. “It happens, Finn. It’s okay.”

"An'-and I threw up last night and didn't say 'cause I thought we'd have to go home."

“Oh, Finn.” Fao murmured. “You should’ve said, you must have felt rotten.”

"I thought you'd be mad at me."

“Never mad at you.”

"Of course we wouldn't be mad at you, Finn." Sheila sighed. "That's being daft, eh?"

“Always tell us things, and then we can help.”

The tears had started to fall and he tried to hide his face. "I'm sorry.c

“Hey, it’s okay.” Fao reassured. “You’re okay.”

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faofinn · 6 months

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No. 28 "We might not make it to the morning, so go on and tell me now."

Bloody Knife | Sacrifice | "You'll have to go through me."

The meeting with the principal and safeguarding went as well as Sheila had expected. The teacher who had caused so much of Finn’s low moods and outbursts had continued his war on the kid, and it just wasn't fair.

While the adults saw the meeting as the necessary evil it was, Finn couldn't see past the hurt it was causing him. They cut it short in the end, to try and prevent a full meltdown, though they were already halfway into one.

Finn screamed and shouted the whole way home, kicking off at anything and everything. As soon as he was helped out of his seat, he was off again, shouting that he hated them and never wanted to see them again as he slammed the doors up to his room.

Fao flinched, looking up from his book. He’d thought things had settled, but it seemed like they’d gotten worse. He swallowed thickly, the nausea and fear rising just from Finn’s outburst. He pushed it down, suddenly fiercely protective over Finn.

He set down his stuff and headed out into the hallway, in search of someone coming after Finn. He wouldn’t let them touch him, he couldn’t.

Nobody came, the pair too used to his outbursts and aware he'd need space to decompress. That left Finn alone, curled in a tight ball under his duvet as he sobbed. His skin tingled, his wolf threatening to break through the suppression.

After a moment of indecision, Fao knocked gently on Finn’s door. “Finn?”

"Go away, go away, go away!"

“I jus’ wanted to see if you were okay. It’s only me, only Fao.”

"I don't want to do it any more."

“You wanna just sit?”

"I don't want them."

“It’s only me, nobody else is around.”

He paused. "Jus' you?"

“Yeah.”

"Okay."

Fao cautiously pushed the door open. “Are you okay?”

He sniffed. "No."

“What happened?”

"They wouldn't stop."

“Who wouldn’t?”

"Everybody!" He cried, burying himself again.

“Hey, it’s okay.”

"You're doing the same!"

“Okay, we won’t talk about it.” Fao said softly.

Finn hesitated. "Promise?"

“Promise. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t wanna. Wanna talk about something else?”

He nodded, slowly emerging to look at Fao.

“Can I sit on your bed with you?”

"Yeah." His voice was small as he peeked at Fao, watching him carefully.

Fao sat down on the end of his bed, crossing his legs. “Thanks. You cosy under the duvet?”

"It's safe under here."

“Yeah? Sounds good to me.” Fao said softly.

Finn didn’t move, watching Fao with wide eyes. The older boy hadn't done anything to hurt him or force him to talk, which Finn appreciated. He seemed to be okay.

"Fao?"

“Yeah?”

"I've got a lion under here." He said with a grin, moving to show him.

“Oh my god.” Fao exclaimed with a laugh.

Finn grinned. "He's mine."

“What’s his name?”

"Lion." He said, his confidence returning.

“That’s a pretty good name. I have Eeyore in my room.”

"You do?"

“Yeah. He was with me in hospital and everything.”

"I haven't seen him. My lion has been mine since dad was my Dad."

“Since you were born?”

He shook his head, his eyes suddenly widening as he cowered back. His grip on lion grew tighter, his small hands turning white.

"Finn? You still up here?"

Fao frowned. “He’s fine!”

"You in Finn’s room, kid?" He asked, knocking on the door.

“He’s fine, leave him alone!”

Fred frowned, taken aback by Fao's responses. He pushed the door open slightly, hanging round the side. "What's going on?"

“He was upset, I came to sit with him. He’s terrified, leave him alone.” Fao’s voice was stronger than he felt, but he was suddenly consumed by the desire to protect the younger boy.

"Terrified? What's going on?"

“You know what’s going on. You were with him.”

"Still on that? You know it's over, kid. You can't keep going on at it, it's not going to help anyone. You've said what you wanted, why don't we leave it?"

Fao narrowed his eyes. “Look at him, he’s scared shitless. Leave him alone.”

"He's had his time, Fao. He's gotta come out and do some other stuff."

Fao stood up. “Hey, no. Don’t tell him what to do. You’re the reason he’s scared.”

Fred raised his hands between them. "I think you've got something mixed up here. Why don't we take a breath and head downstairs, clear our heads?"

“I won’t let you touch him. He’s so scared.” Fao snapped.

"I'm not gonna touch him."

“Yeah, sure. I heard him come in. And I know what he’s said to me.”

Fred frowned, confused. "Maybe we should have this conversation away from Finn."

“I thought you were better than the shit I had to deal with, Fred.”

"I think you've got the wrong end of the stick, kid."

Fao’s hands clenched into fists. “Sure.”

"Why don't we take five minutes and then have a chat like adults downstairs?"