#mik0rin’s masterlist
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are we still friends? status: yes, but only friends...
kuroo tetsuro x black fem reader
genre: college au, smut, childhood best friends to strangers to best friends to lovers
warnings: cussing, men hitting on you, alcohol consumption, NSFW 18+ MDNI, there's a plot, slight begging, nipple play, oral (f. receiving), kuroo is like a soft dom (?), penetration, overstimulation, whiny kuroo, praise, slight size kink, good girl/angel/pretty girl is used
word count: 5,388
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a/n: this is my first time writing smut pls be nice 🧍🏿♀️
Condensation drips onto the table and the sound of other’s conversation carries into your booth. You sip on your drink, half-listening to the conversation of three men at your table.
“Are you single, y/n?”
“Why?” You tilt your head, a flirty smile on your face, “Are you finally gonna confess your love to me, Kotaro?”
“Actually, he has a crush right now.” Akaashi chimes in.
Your spine instantly straightens and your eyes narrow in on him. Bokuto refuses to look at anyone, instead, he turns his head to the side and you get a good view of his ears which are now flaming a bright red.
“Who?” Both you and Kuroo question.
“A figure skater that practices in the rink below their gym.”
“Akaashi….” Bokuto whines.
“You have to show me a picture.”
Akaashi mouths a “later” and you nod in understanding.
The pro-athlete clears his throat, “Moving on, are you single or not?”
“Of course she’s single,” Kuroo answers for you.
You glare at him, “You’re acting like I didn’t have a boyfriend two months ago.”
Tetsuro snorts, “That loser?”
His tone is one you’re familiar with, it’s how he says something without actually saying it.
“I just feel like you’re trying to say I'm a loser by association.”
“Why would I go through all that trouble? If I wanted to call you a loser, I would just call you one, loser.”
You flick him in the forehead and the boy lets out a high-pitched “ow” and you turn your attention back to your other friend.
“I am Taro, but why?”
“Atsumu likes you and won’t stop begging me to set you guys up.”
You’ve met Atsumu on several occasions and you get along with him well enough, but you only ever saw him as Kotaro’s teammate. When you were around him, you couldn’t fathom having anything other than platonic feelings for him and if you were being honest: sometimes he gave you a headache.
“Oh. Then I’m not single.”
The three boys erupt into loud laughter and you wait for them to calm down before continuing.
“He’s incredibly fine, don't get me wrong, but Atsumu is so….”
“Atsumu.” Everyone fills in the blank, knowing smiles on their faces.
“Yeah, exactly. Whoever ends up dealing with that personality of his, bless their heart.”
The conversation shifts from love interests to something else, and a small smile bends your lips. You were so happy that you could hang out like this again; that you and Kuroo are back to what you used to be and you’ll make sure it never ends up any different.
The talking dies down a bit, everyone's focus is on the food in front of them, that’s until Bokuto and Akaashi share a look before leaning towards you.
“We want to know more about your ex-boyfriend.”
Men are so incredibly nosy and will never admit it.
“There’s nothing to really say. We were together and now we’re not.” You shrug.
Kuroo waves around his skewer like a gavel, “I never liked him.”
You roll your eyes, “You never like anyone I date.”
“They aren’t likable people.”
“But I like them?”
“And there’s something wrong with you, I keep telling you.” He puts a hand on your shoulder in fake pity, and you slap it off.
Akaashi sighs, knowing that the two of you will be at this back and forth for a while.
You point at yourself, “Something wrong with me?” and then you poke him in the chest “Yet I’m not the one who is perpetually single or when I do date, I don’t get dumped.”
Bokuto laughs and Kuroo shoots him a hard look. Since high school, everyone has quickly learned that trying to argue with you was futile, but Kuroo was the only one who could kind of keep up with you.
Kotaro’s eyes light up and he first points at you, “If Tetsuro doesn’t like anyone you date,” he then uses his other hand to point to the boy next to you “and you always get dumped.”
“Hey!”
“Why don’t you date each other?” Bokuto looks so pleased with himself like he found the answer to everything wrong in the world. But you two? You almost knock a drink over in shock and Kuroo chokes on the piece of chicken he’s chewing on.
“Excuse me?” You say, incredulously. You really cannot believe your ears, it’s not like this is the first time you’ve heard this before, but it is surprising to hear it from someone that you were both close with.
Keiji’s eyes widen a fraction and he looks at the two of you in slight disbelief, “Wait, the thought has never crossed your minds?”
You look at each other, mutual agreement in your eyes as you both shake your heads and go, “No.”
“Tetsuu has always been just my best friend.” You add.
The man’s voice is a bit hoarse due to his previous choking spell, but he coughs out a “Yeah, same.”
The blue-eyed man raises an eyebrow at you, “You’ve never had feelings for each other?”
You put a hand over your heart, “I haven’t. As for Testuu…. I don’t know, we all know he’s weak to a pretty girl. Poor thing is so easily swayed.”
Kuroo crosses his arms over his chest, “And who told you were pretty?”
“Your father.”
This descends into another argument between the two of you; and Bokuto counts the amount of times Kuroo makes an indication he’s offended and Akaashi counts how many times you tell him to “Shut up talking to me.” It’s a little game the two of them play when they know they can't stop you from verbally attacking each other. You finally calm down and dismiss Tetsuro with a “Whatever, don’t talk to me.”
“Are you guys coming to my friend’s pre-grad party? It’s next next Friday.”
Akasshi and Bokuto look at you with sorry expressions, telling you that they have important tests or a game that weekend. Your lips start to fall into a pout and your eyes begin to widen, and they immediately look away because they’ll crack at your puppy-dog expression and you weaponize it so well.
Kuroo raises his hand, “I’m going.”
“Well, you’re not important.” You wave him off.
“Oh, really? Have fun going by yourself.”
Your arms wrap around him and he tries to escape, “You know I love you the most. I was just playing.”
The music is so loud you can feel the bass in your bones. You readjust your mini skirt and touch up your lipgloss before the door swings open and Mika pulls you into a tight hug. The words exchanged between you two are so fast, and Kuroo can only catch a few compliments on each other’s outfits and asking if that person is here. You turn to the man next to you and introduce him, explaining that Mika was your best friend in Osaka and you’re so excited that you finally get to meet each other.
The three of you talk a little bit more before you send Kuroo to the kitchen to grab drinks. Your curly-haired friend instantly hooks her arm with yours and looks at you with a proud smile.
“This is the best-looking boyfriend you’ve had,” She tells you.
“What?”
Mika lists the attributes she thinks are working in Kuroo’s favor, “He’s tall, has a nice voice, and knows how to listen.”
You wave your hands and shake your head, “Mika, wait. He’s my best friend.”
“Sure..” She puts her hands up, making air quotations as she speaks, “Best friend.”
“Why are you doing that? I’m dead serious right now.’” You lean into your right hip, your arms crossing over your chest.
Your friend mirrors your pose, “Okay, so how come I haven’t heard about him before?”
“Well, we fought and then didn’t talk for two years. And you have, remember when I said I made up with my friend a few months back?”
“Oh, that’s him? Ahh, I see what’s going on here.” Mika has a dreamy look in her eyes and she brings her clasped hands up to her cheek, “You decided to take your relationship to the next level because you’re scared to lose each other again.”
Your friend is such a hopeless romantic, you both are, but she’s one in a fairytale way.
“What? No, we’re just friends.”
She looks at you with a sly smile, “Okay~”
You sigh, what is up with everyone lately? “Mika, seriously.”
Kuroo returns, placing the ice-cold bottle on your exposed midsection and you yelp in surprise. He laughs, eyes sparkling with mischief as he hands your friend her drink. She looks at the two of you with a knowing smile, and you give her a light slap on the arm with a warning: “Behave.”
The three of you move to the dancefloor and dance for what feels like hours, there’s a thin layer of sweat that coats your body and your limbs start to ache from the constant movement. Mika was whisked away by someone she’s been talking to. You and Kuroo continue on in her absence, screaming lyrics to one of your favorite songs and as it ends, he tells you that he has to piss and you scold him for being so vulgar.
You exit the crowd and Kuroo makes his way to the bathroom, you take this as an opportunity to lean against the cool wall. Your eyes flutter close as your breath starts to even out and then suddenly, you feel someone stand directly in front of you. Your eyes open and you’re met with a man you’ve never seen before.
You don’t let him get one word in and hit him with, “I have a boyfriend, he’s in the bathroom.”
He puts his hands up, “I haven’t even said anything.”
“And? I’m letting you know.”
“Let your boyfriend know that he shouldn’t be leaving such a beautiful girl on her own.”
You roll your eyes at him, men never know when to quit. You don’t say anything else and wait for him to leave but when he doesn’t, you let out an annoyed sigh.
“I’m waiting for your boyfriend, making sure you’re safe. Plus I know how you girls are, playing hard to get by saying you're taken.”
You scoff and your head starts to pound from his stupidity. You glance over your shoulder, praying Tetsuro comes back soon. You spot his tall frame and almost yell out in relief. When he makes his way over to you, he doesn’t even acknowledge the man who is hellbent on lingering.
Your hand curls around his bicep, “Babe, you took too long.” You pout and Kuroo feels his heart begin to speed up. Why are you looking at him like that?
And why did he like it?
His face is clouded with confusion and the other man can tell, and you really hope you can put on a convincing show. Your eyes dart between your best friend and the unidentified man who is a few steps away. Tetsuro catches on and presses a quick apology kiss to your temple like a real boyfriend would do. It’s a routine he’s used to; always fending off men who couldn’t get the hint and usually, they would run off after one look at his tall stature and hard gaze that borders murderous. But this one is particularly stubborn.
“Sorry, angel. There was a long line.” The raven-haired man finally turns his attention to the other boy, “Can I help you?” Kuroo’s voice is harsh and he steps in front of you protectively.
“Do you really think I’m going to believe this lie? He didn’t even seem sure you were talking to him.” His words are aimed towards you but you don’t offer him the luxury of a reply.
Tetsuro’s jaw clenches and his hands ball into fists- he looks so angry. And your brain is going haywire because why does he look so sexy? His voice drops an octave and your heart speeds up, “I don’t give a fuck what you think. We don’t have to prove anything to you.”
The other man says something but you’re getting tired of this fast. You grab Tetsuro by the collar of his shirt, your faces level with each other and your lips at his ear, “We’re gonna kiss. Is that okay?”
His voice is too quiet for anyone other than you to hear, “Okay.”
Then you smash your lips against his, and you forget all about whoever was bothering you. Kuroo is an amazing kisser, his lips are soft against yours and you can taste the berry chapstick you lent him. He kisses you like a prayer desperate to be answered and his body is pressing you flush against the wall, while his arms are caging you in.
Tetsuro knows this is for show, he knows this is to prove that asshole wrong but the way your plush lips are moving in perfect sync with his is enough to send him to an early grave. You taste like bubblegum and the best time of his life. He wants to devour you with each kiss, he wants to hear what sounds you make, and when he bites your bottom lip; he gets a preview of the sweetest moan he has ever heard.
When your lungs can no longer survive without a new breath, you pull away for air. The stupid man had left with an angry grumble the second your lips touched.
“Thanks.” You breathe out.
Kuroo’s cheeks are a soft pink, “No problem.”
The two of you separate and you tell him you’re going to look for Mika, skipping off like nothing ever happened. But his hands touch his swollen lips as he watches the way your hips sway as you walk away.
You push your apartment door open and when Kuroo steps in, you let it slam behind you with a loud bam. You’re glad your roommate took a couple’s trip with her girlfriend because the amount of noise you’re making right now is disrespectful. You’re beyond tired and not physically, mentally. The kiss still has your head spinning and as for the rest of the night? You spent it putting a considerable distance between you and Tetsu, and you hope he didn’t take offense to it but even being able to feel his body heat or catch a whiff of his cologne was driving you insane.
You walk into your room, turning on the lamp and it envelopes the room in warm light. With your back towards him you ask, “Do you want to shower first?”
Kuroo sighs quietly, his heart racing at the thought of mustering up the courage to take this step. “We’re still friends, right?”
You turn around so fast, thinking that your actions during the latter half of the night hurt his feelings.
“Why wouldn’t we be?”
The man’s eyes meet yours in the dim lighting, his pupils are dilated and his gaze flickers to your lips.
“I want to kiss you again but as friends…”
You want to ask him to repeat it but you hear him loud and clear, and your response rings even clearer in your mind.
“If it’s as friends then that should be fine.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Then his hands on your waist pulling you in and his lips on yours, kissing you like a man starved. Your arms wrap around his neck and somehow you feel like he’s kissing you even better than before. Your fingers toy with hair at the nape of his neck; Kuroo moans into the kiss and you smile, and he just about loses it.
He needs to touch you more.
Tetsuro’s hands climb up your waist, passing over your chest, and grazing your hardened nipples before they settle on your face. The action causes you to gasp and he takes it as a chance to slip his tongue into your mouth. He groans at the feeling of being even closer to you; his knee slips in between your thighs, pressing against your clothed core.
You pull away for air and a soft “fuck” falls from your swollen lips. Kuroo doesn’t stop, he just moves on to your neck, sucking and biting. You tilt your head to give him more access and he’s whispering your name into the marks he leaves behind and you’re damn near melting in his arms.
And right now you’re not thinking about the implications of kissing your best friend.
No.
You’re thinking about fucking him.
Tetsuro knows you’re crossing over into dangerous territory, and he knows himself. If he kept going like this he wouldn’t stop and he doesn’t want to push towards a boundary you might not want to cross. So, he pulls away and you whimper at the loss of contact. You try to pull him back in by his belt loops but he takes a small step back, and your hands lightly dust over the tent in his pants and he hisses at the contact.
He’s about to give in to your silent demand for more but he wants to mess with you, he couldn’t help it. It was the dynamic the two of you have and it’s hard not to give into it.
“You know I always tell you to use your words. So, tell me what you want, angel.”
He’s just teasing, he’s always just teasing.
But, your brain is foggy with lust and need, and you need him in ways you never thought possible.
“I want you to fuck me, please Tetsuu.”
Never in a million years did you think you would be begging for Kuroo Tetsuro but here you are, eyes boring into his and your heart hammering against your ribcage.
Tetsuro’s face flushes a bright red and his cock strains against his pants; he didn’t expect this. He wants to tear his gaze away but your eyes are sinful and you’re looking at him like he's the only man in the world. And god, you don’t know what it does to him. Kuroo wants to ruin you, he wants to make you feel like you’re the only girl in the world, he wants you to be so lost in the pleasure he brings you- all you ever think about is him.
“Only ‘cause you asked so nicely.”
The first thing to go is his shirt and your hand trails down chest and stomach, the muscles flexing under your fingers. Kuroo wants to comment on how you’ve seen it before but a few open-mouthed kisses to his collarbone steals the words right out of his mouth. His hands drop down to your mini skirt but they falter and you give him a nod to tell him it’s okay but his hands still don’t move.
“What’s wrong?” Your tone is a bit impatient but still concerned nonetheless.
He smirks, “Kinda wanna fuck you in it.” You want to tell him to do it but he’s already yanking it down with a “But it’s too pretty to ruin, just wear it for me another time.”
Another time?
He’s getting caught up in the act, don’t think too much of it.
The rest of your clothes follow and Kuroo leads you to the bed with a kiss as he expertly removes your bra. Your back is now flat against the mattress and he takes no time to leave a trail of kisses from your lips to your sternum. Your breath is heavy and everywhere he touches feels like it’s on fire. And when his mouth wraps around your nipple, his name tumbles from your lips in a whine.
Kuroo looks up at you, his tongue swirling around the bud and his fingers playing with the other one. You're a mess- he’s making you a mess, and he’s loving every second of it. His dick is painfully hard but you have to get off first before he even thinks about himself.
“So pretty.” He mumbles against your skin, his mouth switching over to the other side. You clench around nothing and you can feel your arousal slide down your thigh, you’re aching for him in one place and you’re growing impatient.
“Tetsuro,” You grab one of his hands and trail it down your body until it’s right where you want it. “Here, need you here.”
A string of curses leaves his mouth, you’re going to kill him.
“Fuck, you’re so wet.” He uses his thumb to rub slow circles on your clit and pleasure shoots through your every nerve. Your eyes flutter close and you don’t even see him move down, but you do feel his tongue lick one languid stripe along your slit.
“Oh god.” You moan out and your hands fly to his hair, tugging at the ends. The boy continues his ministrations, switching between slowly licking your folds and sucking your clit. Cries, moans, and curses fall from your lips and they only egg him on. You taste so good and he only wishes he could’ve done this sooner, he could eat you out until daybreak or until his last breath: whichever came first.
“Need you to cum on my tongue, pretty girl. Can you do that?” His voice vibrates throughout your core and your hips grind against his face on their accord.
You nod furiously and Tetsuro chuckles at your enthusiasm, the vibration pulls another sweet sound out of you and it sets him off. His mouth is moving like its one purpose is to help you reach bliss and he’s doing a damn good job.
Kuroo’s long fingers prod your entrance and when your eyes open again, you find him staring at you, the question burning in his gaze and you don’t trust yourself to form a coherent answer, so you nod and he pushes them in.
He pumps his digits at a slow pace, making sure you can feel all of it and you feel the familiar knot start to tighten in the pit of your stomach. And Kuroo can feel it, in the way your walls clench around him. So, he speeds up and curls his fingers, hitting that sweet spot over and over.
“So close, Tetsuu. I’m so close, please.” You don’t even know what you’re begging for but Kuroo’s tongue applies just the right amount of pressure on your sensitive bud and it sends you over the edge.
Your vision goes white and euphoria takes over every single one of your senses, your body shakes and your best friend’s face is drenched in your juices. Tetsuro doesn’t stop, he helps you ride it out, enjoying the view of you coming completely undone at his hand.
“You look so pretty when you cum on my face.” He’s lapping up all evidence of your orgasm and you start to push him away, the feeling is overwhelming.
“Too much,” You whine.
“Give me one more, please? You taste so good, angel. I don’t wanna stop.”
Your mind is fuzzy with pleasure and though the overstimulation is a bit painful, it hurts so good.
“Okay.” And his tongue is on you once more, and it doesn’t take much for you to hit that high again and you do it with a scream of his name.
Tetsuro comes up and meets you with a kiss, and you can taste yourself on his lips. The kiss is messy, full of wanton need that puts the sin, Lust, to shame. And you can feel Kuroo’s hard cock in between your thighs and it brushes against your wet slit, he whimpers into your mouth and you realize he’s been holding back the whole time.
You pull away and sit up on your elbows, there’s a sex-drunk smile on your face and Kuroo almost cums on the spot at the sight.
“Are you gonna make me wait all night?”
That’s all he needs to hear and he’s pulling open your nightstand drawer and grabbing a condom. He rips open the foil packaging with his teeth and slides it on, his eyes never leave your frame even when yours drop down and widen at the size.
You can never tease him again.
Kuroo hooks one of your legs around his waist and places the other on his shoulder. He lines himself up with your entrance and slowly starts to push in. Your moans mix together like a forbidden melody as his tip makes it past.
The stretch burns and tears prick the back of your eyes, the pain is burning pleasure but god, you don’t know if you can take all of him. Tetsuro is trying his hardest not to lose control, but you feel so good around him, your walls soft and fluttering against him as they try to adjust.
“F-fuck, you feel like h-heaven.” His words come out in a whine and you love the way he sounds.
He’s barely halfway and you’re already feeling so full. “Tetsuu, it’s so big. I don’t thin-”
He cuts you off, “I know, I know but you’re taking me so well, pretty girl. Just relax.”
And you do as he says, and he bottoms out with a hiss and you cry out.
He moves with slow strokes and soft moans fall from your lips. His dark eyes are full of passion and his voice is breathy, “Such a good girl when you listen to me. Where is this usually, hmm?”
You turn your head in embarrassment, you’re usually quick to say something smart and shut him down. But, right now? You’re hanging on to his every word and doing as he says.
Kuroo stops moving and you mewl out, “Keep going.” Your head is still turned and your eyes are closed.
“Look at me.”
You refuse, still trying to get him to continue fucking you without giving in to his demand. He starts to pull out and you sob at the feeling of emptiness.
“Look at me or I won’t do anything.”
Your head turns and your eyes open, and he smirks like he’s won a gold prize. “Good girl.”
And he’s slamming back into you, his pace is fast and unforgiving. Sweat gives his skin a light sheen and the sound of skin hitting skin and how wet you are, echo throughout the room. You can’t even form words because Tetsuro is fucking them out of you and every time he compliments you, you clench around him and he groans.
“You feel so good, baby.” He pulls you even closer to him, angling himself and he hits that sweet spot that has your walls spasming around him.
“Tetsuu” You whimper out.
“You like when I fuck you like this, angel?” You’re so full of him, you can feel him in your stomach. He’s relentless, hitting that spot over and over again. You can’t even answer him because he’s slowly pulling out and then reentering just as slowly, making you feel every inch of him.
Your pussy is so warm around him and he stutters, you’re milking him and he doesn’t know how much longer he can keep going.
“C-can’t answer? Am I- fuck.”
Kuroo can’t even finish his own sentences, the way your face expresses pure bliss and how you squeeze around him, is driving him insane.
“S’good.” You slur, “You’re so good to me.”
“Yeah? You treat me even better, pretty girl.” That name makes you tighten around him and his strokes start to turn sloppy, “Letting me taste you, letting me inside you.”
He’s so close and you are too, and his hand snakes its way in between your bodies. He rubs your clit with the pad of his thumb.
“Tetsu, gonna cum if you-” The combination of his thumb and his cock hitting that spongy spot has your mouth falling open in a silent scream.
You pulse around him, and Kuroo lets out a whiny, “Shit, I’m cumming,” and he’s spilling into the condom.
And just like earlier he doesn’t stop, he continues drilling into you even if he’s sensitive to the point it hurts. He’s repeating your name over and over again in the form of whimpers and you’re clawing at his back; your fourth orgasm of the night taking over your entire body until you’re seeing stars and Tetsuro follows right behind you, filling up the rubber once more.
The man gently places your legs back on the bed and his head falls onto your shoulder, your breaths are heavy and uneven. He pulls out and you make a quiet noise at the feeling.
“Sorry.” He mutters, placing a soft kiss on your collarbone. Kuroo gets up, takes off the condom, and ties it before dumping it in the trash. He also picks up his boxers, putting them on as he walks over to your bathroom. You hear the sound of the shower and while your body is spent, the thought of a hot shower gives you just enough energy. Your best friend comes back out and picks you up bridal-style, helping you get to the bathroom. He sets you down and your feet come in contact with the cold tile.
“Can you stand? Or do I need to help you shower?” His voice conveys his concern but his eyes also tell you he’s being cheeky.
You shoot him a look, “I think I’ll be fine, thank you.” You brush past him, legs a bit wobbly and you hear him stifle laughter. You throw him a glare over your shoulder and he only smiles.
Tetsuro exits the bathroom after you step into the shower, he picks up all of your abandoned clothing and tosses it into the hamper. He changes your sheets and collects his thoughts; this isn’t very platonic of you and he starts to worry that it’s gonna change everything between you two.
And he can’t handle it if your friendship is ruined, again. But, he quells his negative thoughts and tells himself you’ll cross that bridge when you get there, even though you’re only a few steps away from it. For now, he won’t act as if nothing happened but he won't let it change anything either.
Even if there is a tiny voice in his heart hoping that it will.
You step out of the bathroom, your pajamas hanging loosely on your body and your face fresh and glowy. You look around your bedroom, admiring the new sheets and clean floor. Kuroo looks at you, his face full of emotions you can’t name and you desperately want to know what he’s thinking. But, you couldn’t even figure out what was going on in your own mind. You only stare right back at him, and you wonder if the two of you are communicating with your expressions. Assuring the other that it was okay and the conversation would be had at another time.
Tetsuro breaks eye contact first and walks into the bathroom, smiling at the scent of your body wash that still lingers in the air. He steps into the shower, letting the water carry away his worries and relax his muscles. His mind is replaying how you looked at him earlier, he couldn’t decipher what emotions your eyes held but he knows that everything is okay.
Sleep is starting to tempt his senses and he knows you’re probably making your way to dreamland. He steps out of the shower and quickly finishes up, and to his surprise, you’re still up. Your phone is shining on your face and when you feel the bed dip on the opposite side, you look at him and place your phone down. Kuroo lays right next to you, wrapping his arms around you and it’s not like you’ve never slept like this before, but it feels much more intimate this time. But you find comfort in his warmth and the smell of his skin, and your eyelids start to feel heavy.
You tell Tetsuro to turn off the lamp and soon the room is completely dark. You can already feel the dull throb in your muscles and you mumble to yourself, “I’m going to be so fucking sore.”
Tetsuro lets out an airy chuckle, “I told you it was big.”
You kick him and he grunts in pain, your voice is quiet but still as sharp as ever,
“Shut the hell up and go to sleep.”
a/n: this is my first time writing out a full smut like PLS give me constructive criticism because i would like to write more in the future but i also wanna be better and more comfortable,,, okay hope you enjoyed !! <333 (also someone wanted to be tagged but i wont tag u if you're an ageless blog !!)
#haikyuu x y/n#haikyuu x black reader#haikyuu#haikyuu fanfiction#haikyuu fanfic#haikyuu x reader#mik0rin’s masterlist#saturn’s masterlist#kuroo tetsuro smut#kuroo x black reader#kuroo tetsuro x reader#kuroo testuro#kuroo tetsuro x you#haikyuu smut#haikyuu kuroo
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fic rec masterlist part 1
please keep in mind that i do not own any of these works and am not taking credit for them in any way.
NCT:
smut:
Dotae: (doyoung and taeyong)_
i dont know how i can withstand you- sasannisa
love motion- smallchittaphon
Dojae: (doyoung and jaehyun)
baby, let the cameras roll- imnyoung
love divine, all love excelling- stilinscry
yudo: (yuta and doyoung)
honey, we’re in euphoria- smallchittaphon
doten: (doyoung and ten)
tired of talking- lovelyday86
dowoo: (doyoung and jungwoo)
suck it and see- mildliners (articdorks)
threesomes:
more from the two of you- lovelyday86 (taeyong, johnny, and doyoung)
fluff:
Markno: (jeno and mark)
Experimental infatuation- cottoncandyboys (mik0rin)
Koalas and vienna sausages- marksjeno
Rose-coloured boy- idolrapper(wonwoo)
words in your hands- bijyu
water is wet- smallchittaphon
Lucas and haechan: (idk their ship name)
batter up- glonct
Markmin: (mark and jaemin)
dreamlike- markleeder
All of nct/no ships:
NCT life (childhood dreams)- HansoldMySoul, PandiBear
the joys of retail- stilinscry
movie night with NCT- Lapin_Calins
safe in these arms- JHyun33
Markhyuck: (mark and haechan/donghyuck)
good mornings- youngjaes** **
it’s simple- goodtimings
im young/i like you- manohman
wingardium get off- bluedheart
even if you pretend its not (boy, i know you know)- tinykkukkungie
youre like summer (brighter than the morning sun)- donghyuck
two! three!- idolrapper (wonwoo)
bets can change your life- Blancalill
renhyuck: (renjun and haechan/donghyuck)
hold on- rubanrose
ribbon in the sky- stilinscry
hyuckno: (haechan/donghyuck and jeno)
the titles in korean- stilinscry
bridge the world- stilinscry
feeling good- stilinscry
in every one of his touches, there’s magic- smallchittaphon
hyuckle: (chenle and haechan/donghyuck)
so into u- stilinscry
hyucksung:( jisung and haechan/donghyuck)
i just wanna- stilinscry
renle: (renjun and chenle)
socialites- Seachelle623
hyuckmin: (haechan/donghyuck and jaemin)
roasted duck- paroxysmalirony
hearts don’t break- adequater
renmin: (jaemin and renjun)
makeup and making out- Blancalill
closer and closer still- hyucklees
kiss only me- Blancalill
dude, how much you wanna bet i can fit this in my mouth?- smallchittaphon
noren: (jeno and renjun)
la la love- cheeseandsugar
that place called “dunk shot”- VivaldiChase
a home for the heart (and for the cats)- running2yuta (castellanewt)
wedding bells- adequater
soup- imaloser74
give him love letters (they dont expire)- imnyoung
impedimenta- bluedheart
rensung: (renjun and jisung)
in each of his smiles, there’s magic- smallchittaphon
walk home (with the gatorade boy)- VivaldiChase
renmark: (renjun and mark)
jirrit, jirrit- junhoonie
poly ships:
huff n puff- stilinscry (markhyuckno)
multiple ships in one fic:
the bestest friends- bethestar (markhyuck, chensung, noren)
text/chat fics:
not my first and neither my last (messy) chat- Wei_Ling
EXPOSED- heyheyjessica
cold water- imaloser74
nct127 groupchat- keiijji88
group chat: nct nightmare- ordin_yeri
in front of my salad?- 04jeno, ilysanha
dojae: (doyoung and jaehyun)
we’ve got to stop meeting like this- kimdonghyun
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2day, 2morrow, 4ever : party music & too many pauses
gojo satoru x black fem reader
genre: college au, angst, second chance romance, exes to lovers
warnings: cussing, alcohol consumption
word count: 3,853
playlist: spotify apple music
<- prev m.list next ->
partner story (pls read): 224: the archives
sign up for the taglist -> here!!
The birds, the flowers, and the leaves on the trees have all returned. Spring came around as a reminder that everything that was once gone always comes back.
And you wish it wasn’t true.
As much as you love the warmer weather and the occasional rainy days, you feel like you're descending into madness. You see him everywhere; while you’re grocery shopping, on the way to work, even when you run to the Family Mart next to your apartment.
And it would be fine if he were actually there.
But, it's never really him. Whenever you “see” him, it’s only things you associate with him and your mind makes up the rest, projecting whatever image you have of him onto some poor unassuming person. You’re sure you’ve frightened a few people with your dead stare or teary eyes.
You’ve avoided going out for the past few days trying to mentally prepare yourself for classes that start soon. Right now you’re sharing a blanket with Shoko on the couch as you watch a movie. Her phone vibrates on the coffee table and she picks it up, reading the notification before turning to you with a sly smile.
“You wanna go to Haruka’s party tomorrow?”
You turn to her with a small excited smile of your own, “Now you know, you never have to ask.”
She falls into your lap dramatically, “Do you know how boring it was without you?”
“I know I’m the light of your life and-”
“I didn’t say all that.”
You push her off your lap and she falls to the floor with a soft thud. Shoko looks at you in disbelief as you step over her and walk to your room, flipping her off in the process.
“Don’t follow me, we aren’t friends anymore.”
She’s right behind you, playing into your joke, “Come on, babe. You know I can’t live without you!”
With every step the sole of your shoes stick to the hardwood floors, the temperature is straddling the line between bearable and uncomfortable, and you narrowly avoid a collision that would end with you covered in someone’s drink.
It’s going to be a good night.
Shoko’s hand is wrapped around your wrist as she leads you through the crowd in search of some harder alcohol. The both of you are insanely good at handling your liquor and the wine coolers you were offered earlier aren’t doing anything for you.
Luckily, you’re able to swipe a bottle of tequila off of one of your old classmates. You and Shoko are going shot for shot until a man with curly hair approaches you with a shy smile. He looks at you briefly, saying a greeting you can barely hear over the music. Then his eyes are glued to your best friend and you realize this is the boy she was telling you about when you were abroad.
“Take her away.” You tell him.
His eyes darted between you and her, “Is that okay?”
There’s a silent exchange between the two of you. Shoko wants to make sure you’ll be fine without her because you were always each other’s first priority.
“You’ll be doing me a favor. I can’t stand this girl.” You smile against your shot glass before downing its contents.
Shoko is glaring at you and you look at her innocently. You know she won’t leave you alone unless you push her to, and you’ll be damned if she ruins the chance that is being presented to her.
Her focus shifts to the man, “It’s fine, Kazuo. Apparently, I’m no longer wanted.”
They start to walk off and she looks back at you, her face screaming “Are you sure you’ll be okay alone?”
You give her a reassuring smile and mouth, “Don’t forget protection!” Shoko rolls her eyes at you but you don’t miss the light pink that dusts her cheeks.
You appreciate her concern but you want her to enjoy herself without worrying about you falling apart. You know you’ve been a bit sensitive lately but it’s something you’ve been taking day by day and it doesn’t mean that you’ll shatter into pieces if you’re left unattended.
You make your way to the dancefloor, finding some of your other friends. The music is providing a good escape for your tumultuous heart and mind. A distraction or an opportunity for release is what you desperately need; being on a different continent for six months only works because there’s no chance of running into whatever you’re running away from. But being back in Tokyo is testing your resolve and you don’t know how you’ll survive if you don’t have an outlet.
Your limbs are starting to ache and the heat in the house has officially become uncomfortable. You excuse yourself from your group of friends and make your way to the kitchen, it’s where the A/C is the strongest and you would give up anything to feel the cool air on your exposed skin. After pushing through your fellow drunk college students, you lean against the counter and let out a sigh of relief.
“y/n?”
You turn your head towards the sound, “Naomi?”
She looks a little different from the last time you saw her. Her hair is ginger and she’s swapped her usual goddess braids for locs, she even got the septum piercing you remember her always wanting.
She opens her mouth to say something but is cut off by a deep voice calling her name.
There’s a reason why Shoko is the only one you’ve willingly seen since you’ve come back. Despite the obvious reason, which is living together; if you’re with her you know it’ll only be her. As much as you miss your group of friends, there’s anxiety that looms over you at the thought of hanging out with them and having to be near him, pretending like everything is fine.
But it seems like that might be happening regardless because you see Geto turn the corner in search of his girlfriend and his eyes widen when they see you. He greets you but still doesn’t cross the threshold into the kitchen like he’s trying to keep something out.
Or more accurately, someone.
But it’s too late because you can already see the ends of white hair and hear the voice that rings out,
“Did you find her, Suguru?”
He found her. As Gojo fully makes it into the kitchen, he realizes Suguru found one more person. It seems like everything has been put on pause as the four of you stare at each other, awkwardness settles in the air like humidity and this is exactly what you wanted to avoid.
It’s hard for everyone when a couple that shares the same friends breaks up, especially when the friends aren’t exactly privy to the reason why.
Gojo is trying (and failing) to keep his eyes off you but he can’t, he never can. You catch his stares but you’re more worried about how to fix the situation you’re stuck in. You really want to escape but where does running get you? It seems like you keep ending up in the same position and truth be told: you’re tired.
You take a deep breath, clenching your fists that rest at your sides, and turn towards your ex-boyfriend.
“Can we talk outside?”
He falters a bit, taken aback by your request. What could you possibly want to talk about? And how serious is it that it requires privacy?
Another few seconds pass before the blue-eyed man coughs out an “Of course.” Geto and Naomi eye the both of you, questions on the tips of their tongues but they keep silent as the two of you walk away, weaving through the dense crowd of people.
Satoru slides open the door to the balcony, letting you through first before closing it behind him. The night has gotten cooler and you feel it all over your exposed skin, you lean against the railing and stare forward, your gaze fixated on the city’s skyline.
“Gojo.”
Ah.
There's no intimacy in that name. He's so used to his given name falling from your lips or other terms of endearment, but this?
This feels so cold.
“I think we should try to at least be friendly? This is the third time we’ve run into each other and I know for sure it won’t be the last. We have the same group of friends and there’s no way we can avoid each other forever and still hang out with them.”
Satoru nods in agreement, he gets what you mean and it wouldn’t be fair to either of you to sacrifice hanging out with your friends because you can’t be within five feet of each other. But, there’s also disappointment that swirls in his chest, he thought there would be more.
That maybe, just maybe you would say the one thing that has been weighing on him ever since he saw you.
“Yeah, I can do that.” His voice comes out much steadier than he thought it would.
You look at him, his face neutral but you can see something brewing under the surface and you wonder if he wants to say something more. You give him a minute, the air between the two of you growing quiet but the thump of the music from inside fills in what would be an awkward silence. When he doesn’t say anything more, you turn around and place your hand on the door handle.
“Imma head back inside.”
“Okay. I’ll see you later?”
“Yeah, later.”
You slide the door open and you step back inside, immediately greeted by the warmth of the party once again. The conversation plays in your head like a broken record and you wonder if that was the right decision.
Friendly, huh?
Will that even work?
Aren’t your feelings a little too strong, a little too complicated, to be reduced to friendly?
The cherry blossoms have begun to bloom and classes have started. Albeit, there was an understandable amount of shock when you and Gojo acted as if nothing was wrong between the two of you, everyone adjusted quickly enough and the friends you missed when you were abroad, were only a text away again.
The two of you can’t say it has gone completely back to normal; you can tell they try not to leave you alone with each other or even sit next to each other. If the conversation seemed to move towards any topic that involved the two of you, it was quickly steered away. And it’s not like you didn’t appreciate their efforts to make you comfortable, you just wish it wasn’t so obvious.
And there’s the lingering problem, or lingering stare from your ex that you’ve been trying to ignore. It’s like every single time you’re around him, Gojo’s eyes are physically unable to look anywhere else. You’re used to it, he was like that when you were together too; always staring and when you would turn a little shy and question him, his response was always a compliment or “What? I can’t just look at you?”
But now it’s different and the desire to ask him what he’s looking at eats at you. And every time the opportunity arises for you to do so, you don’t take it. There’s fear that the answer that Satoru gives you won’t be one you know how to handle.
The seven of you are sitting in a group study room; papers scatter the table, textbooks lay open with sticky notes and highlighter galore, and you are showing Haibara something on your laptop. The poor boy has been struggling in biology and the semester is only a month in, and he thought who better to ask than the person whose major includes it?
“Before the citric acid cycle, acetyl-CoA has to be made. So, remember the glycolysis cycle notes I sent you?”
“Of course! Those notes are the only reason I passed my quiz last week. I don’t get how you understand this stuff so well, you’re like a genius.”
You lightly knock your shoulder against his, “Stop, you’re embarrassing me.”
“No, seriously. I’m always lost in biology class until you explain it.”
“You’re just saying that.” You dismiss, but you still flash him an appreciative smile before going back to explaining.
Satoru watches this whole interaction, not in a burning jealousy kind of way because he knows Yu is just beyond grateful for your help. But in a yearning way, a longing way, because he wants that kind of smile to be directed towards him once more.
A genuine smile.
None of your smiles have been genuine whenever he’s around. It's not even a matter of it failing to reach your eyes. Your smiles always came from your heart. And one might question Gojo and say “Well how can you tell? Looks the same to me.”
But Satoru knows.
He knows.
He knows every single one of your expressions, there’s no way he shouldn't. He's studied your face to the point he could write books about it. He could detail what every blink, curve of your lip, and twitch of your nose meant. He's studied you to the point it’s engraved into his heart and he’ll continue to because you have and always will be his favorite lesson.
Then he’s watching you leave with Shoko, the two of you bickering over what you should get for dinner. She says something to you and you laugh, pure and sweet.
Gojo starts to think that this whole “friendly” thing is never going to work.
At least not for him.
And maybe not for you either.
"I’m not going, I have something to do next week.”
“Bullshit,” Naomi calls you out on your lie and Shoko nods in agreement.
You keep your eyes laser-focused on your lab report, you don’t want them to see the sadness you’ve been doing a damn good job at hiding.
“All you do is go to class and do your homework, you have nothing going on in your life,” Shoko adds.
You side-eye her, your lips falling into a displeased frown. She’s right but that doesn’t mean you want her to verbalize it. And it’s not like you don’t want to go to the Marine Biology department’s fundraiser and support Nao, but it's the date that is keeping you from finding it appealing.
May 14th.
The date of the fundraiser.
And the date of what would’ve been your two-year anniversary with a certain white-haired individual.
And you can’t blame your friends for not realizing what that day that is, nor do you want to tell them. You want to avoid the looks of pity and the attempts to cheer you up; all you really want to do is wallow in your room until the day passes. And you want to avoid Satoru as much as you can.
But the way both of the girls are looking at you is telling you that your plan of sitting alone in the darkness of your room with music blasting is not going to happen. There’s no way out of this unless you tell them the truth and somehow that seems worse than just giving in and attending the event.
“What do I have to wear?” You ask with a sigh.
Gojo sheds his suit jacket, the heat of the room and his emotions that are running on overdrive are raising his body temperature to unpleasant levels. He wants to be anywhere but here, he should be at home sleeping away the thoughts of an anniversary that never came to fruition, however, Suguru insisted he come and he would’ve declined if Kento and Yu hadn’t said they weren’t going if he didn’t. And then Geto was basically pleading with him to go and help support his girlfriend, and Gojo has always been weak to his best friend.
So here he stands, black suit jacket hanging in the fold of his arm as he walks outside to get some fresh air. He’s surprised and maybe a little grateful that he hasn’t run into you; the sheer amount of people and the fact he basically became one with a wall in the furthest corner of the room is what really kept the two of you apart. It’s not like he didn’t want to see you, he always wants to see you.
Satoru wants to see the dress you wore, the hairstyle you chose, and that beautiful face of yours. He wants to feel the comforting heat of your skin and be enveloped in the aroma of your sweet perfume. He just wants to be near you, but it's probably best for the both of you not to see each other on a day so heavy like this one.
Maybe the gods above are rearranging the cards that determine your fate because the second Gojo steps outside, he’s greeted by very familiar bare shoulders and curly-ended braids . His heart beats rapidly in his chest as his eyes work in conjunction with his memory to permanently engrave this image of you in a dress that fits like someone made it drunk off the sight of you. You look like the cosmos personified, like the wonders of the universe were based on you and you only.
His heart hurts, it hurts so much.
You should be wearing this dress with him as you walk under the streetlights and cherry blossom petals fall on your hair and shoulders. Your hand should rest comfortably in his as you look up at him with a complaint written in your eyes- your heels are starting to hurt your feet. And then he’s scooping you up into his arms and you give him the sweetest smile as he carries you the rest of the way home.
There’s no way he can move on from you.
Satoru turns around, deciding going back inside and dealing with the heat is better than fantasizing about what could’ve been. The door creaks as he opens it and you whip your head around at the sound.
“Satoru?”
You’re genuinely surprised and you don’t even notice that you used Satoru instead of Gojo. You’ve been trying to keep that distance between you by not addressing him so familiarly but the simple fact of not seeing him all night and then suddenly his right in front of your eyes is shocking you back to old habits.
His heart pounds, his name always sounded better falling from your lips.
“Sorry, I’m not trying to bother you or anything.” He takes one step inside.
Even if it hurts to see him, even if this day is one of the most painful.
You never wanted to be around him so badly.
“You’re hot.”
Gojo's cheeks burn at your statement, if it weren’t for your deadpan voice it almost sounds like you’re complimenting him.
“Nah, I’m fine.”
“No, you’re a liar. I can see how red your neck is from here, just stay outside it’s fine.”
He removes his hand from the handle, walking towards the railing of the balcony. Satoru puts a comfortable amount of distance between the two of you and he’s suddenly reminded of the similar scene that occurred at the party. He starts to wonder what conversation will happen this time. You turn your head towards him, unshed tears shining in your eyes and it takes every ounce of his strength not to immediately pull you into his arms.
“It’s our anniversary.” You whisper out, broken.
You don’t know why you suddenly said that but maybe you’re craving something from him. You want to be truly seen in your feelings, and oddly enough the only person who can provide comfort and truly understands what you’re going through is the man who is part of it all.
Gojo lets out a shaky exhale, his knuckles turning white as he grips onto the railing. When you left for the other side of the world, there was so much he wanted to say to you and this might be his only chance to do so.
“When we broke up,” He starts and you stiffen at the memory but you don’t stop him, “I should've fought harder for you. I should've done more to reassure you that it would be better, I would be better.”
Then Satoru looks at you, his expression just as broken as yours but there’s a sad smile on his face.
“But you know I can never say no to you. And I knew at that moment even if you didn’t want to break up with me, you thought it was the right thing to do.”
You take half a step closer to him, “I never thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it was the only thing. I tried to justify our behavior in so many ways, I wanted to blame it on us being young and dumb and not knowing how to love properly but even now we aren’t that much older.”
Your words are now replaced with silence because no matter how much you want to deny it, both of you are right. It might’ve been the right thing to do at the time and you are still young, learning to navigate the world and all the dreams and nightmares that come with it.
But, six months apart is a long time for lovers and a lot of growth can happen when you have the time to realize where things went wrong.
Satoru closes the space between you, draping his jacket over your goosebump-covered shoulders. You don’t move away, you allow yourself to soak in the scent of his cologne and enjoy the warmth he brings you.
“I’m sorry.” He says softly.
“I know. And I’m sorry too.”
And as if to test the waters, your fingertips brush against his wrist and without a second wasted, he slips his hand into yours.
It feels like heaven, it’s comforting in a nostalgic way. It feels oh-so-right, like the last two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. And then you realize the feeling never changed and nothing else will ever be enough.
A love like this only happens when the stars align perfectly and it would be foolish to let it slip away again.
Satoru runs his free hand through his silky hair and you look up at him with those brown eyes he loves so much.
“I can’t do this.” He says, a little bit of frustration leaking out.
“What?”
“I want to try again, please. I want to be yours again.”
You look at him, examining the seriousness in his furrowed brows and unwavering eyes. The way he grips your hand like you would run away if there was even a millimeter of room. You don’t know if it’s a good idea but what’s the alternative? Living without him?
The pause you’re taking is too long to be considered appropriate and Gojo’s skin tints pink at his outrageous request.
“Ne-”
“Okay…” You interrupt him and his eyes widen at your answer, “But can we take it slow?”
He squeezes your hand, “Whatever it takes.”
a/n: hope you guys enjoyed this chapter !!! also im trying to have the first chapter of the partner story up sometime next week,, also i think i might have tag this slow burn (but at the same time its not) ??
#mik0rin’s masterlist#saturn’s masterlist#gojo satoru#gojo x reader#jjk gojo#gojo fanfic#gojo satoru x reader#gojo x black reader#gojou satoru x black reader#jujutsu kaisen x black reader#jjk x black reader#jujustsu kaisen x reader#gojo satoru x black reader#gojo satoru angst#jjk fanfic#jujutsu kaisen fanfic#jjk x reader
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2day, 2morrow, 4ever : prologue
gojo satoru x black fem reader genre: college au, angst, second-chance romance, exes to lovers, growth warnings: cursing word count: 429
playlist: spotify apple music
m.list next ->
partner story (pls read): 224: the archives
sign up for the taglist -> here !!
The sun is kissing the earth goodbye and the buzz of the city is settling into a soft hum. You’ve been back a total of five days, four of which you spent unpacking and gushing to your roommate about your experience. You decided that the fifth day would be one of leisure and indulgence, so here you stood, pulling the door open to your favorite cafe.
A few chairs have been replaced and new desserts sit in the display case, but the comfort that comes with familiarity still squeezes you tight like a mother who misses her children. Even though there were things you were running from, this place and its amazing strawberry shortcake was never one of them.
You rock on your heels as you stare at the expanse of the man’s back in front of you, the black compression shirt highlighting every single one of his muscles and slim waist. You watch him point at the display case and his voice comes out velvety smooth and familiar.
Heart-wrenching familiarity.
“Two slices of the strawberry shortcake, please.”
Everything except your heart is frozen, which aches as it pounds in your chest. It echoes in your ears, drowning out the sounds of the cafe.
You don’t even care that he’s bought the last of the dessert, you don’t care that if his hair was out of the confines of the beanie, you would’ve turned around at the door.
And you’re trying not to care about how much you missed him.
But then he’s turning around, eyes meeting yours and his expression is like looking in a mirror. And your name tumbles from his lips, so softly, so sweetly.
Almost as if nothing had ever changed.
Like nothing ever went wrong and your hearts were never broken.
All you can do is stare at your reflection in his sunglasses; you can’t see his eyes and it’s slowly killing you from the inside. You want to know if they’re swirling with similar emotions.
You want to know if seeing you hurts as much as seeing him.
“Excuse me. Could the two of you move to a table, please? It’s hard for the other guests to walk up to register.”
“Sorry.” You both say with an apologetic bow. And embarrassment moves you to sit at the nearest table.
And that’s how you end up with a free slice of strawberry shortcake and a hot tea. The things you were coming for, of course.
And who do you have to thank for that?
The man sitting across from you.
Your ex: Gojo Satoru.
AHHH im so excited for this series, its an idea i had for awhile and then i got more inspiration after seeing a tiktok of this kdrama,,, pls expect more outta this !!! the partner story will be posted sometime soon !! taglist is open for this fic (and it's partner story), linked at the top!
#gojo satoru#gojo x reader#jjk gojo#gojou satoru x reader#gojo x black reader#gojou satoru x black reader#jujutsu kaisen x black reader smut#jjk x black reader#jujustsu kaisen x reader#gojo fanfic#gojo satoru angst#jujutsu kaisen fanfic#jjk fanfic#mik0rin’s masterlist#saturn’s masterlist#jjk x reader
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are we still friends? status: pending…
kuroo tetsuro x black fem reader genre: college au, angst w/ happy ending, childhood best friends to strangers to best friends to lovers, smut (eventual) warnings: cussing, really bad case of pride word count: 2,453
m.list next ->
a/n: if you listen to beach song by leonie biney it fits so well
taglist open sign up -> here
A familiar ringtone pierces through the silence of your bedroom and you roll over with a groan, your hand fumbles across your nightstand as you look for the device. Once you find it, you answer it without checking and sit up.
Sleep fogs your brain and coats your voice, “Hello?”
“Hey.”
The person on the other end resonates with a part of your heart that hasn’t been active for a while. And as the sleep starts to fade away, your brain finally connects the ringtone and the voice.
“Tetsuro?” You can hear his breath hitch and faint noise coming from his TV, but you’re still confused. It’s 2 a.m. and it’s been two years since you last had a full conversation with him.
“Hey,” He repeats.
You don’t respond and he doesn’t say anything else. The silence is awkward with a twinge of former comfortability.
It never used to be like this. The silence was never uncomfortable and your phone calls were full of energy that comes from friendships with the strongest bonds. But now it seems like everything has fizzled out and you’re only left with fading memories.
What happened to the two of you?
The easiest and least painful answer is to blame it on college (especially since you don’t go to the same one) on a new and challenging environment. And it’s natural for friends to drift apart in this stage of life but it’s something you thought you two were immune to, and why wouldn’t you be? Your friendship was eight years in the making at the time, and you understood one another on a level that was otherworldly. But no one is immune to time; it’s the cruelest element of life because it's the only thing you always lose and never gain back.
And the more painful answer, the one the two of you didn’t want to address because it means facing your pride and those haunting thoughts in the back of your mind. During the height of the tensions between the two of you; the missed calls and canceled hangouts, both of your emotions that could easily be simplified into stress and the need to see your best friend, came out in a way that was angry and hurtful.
You barely remember what you said to each other but you remember that it was mean and nasty, nothing like the tender or playful way you usually spoke to each other. And when you hung up neither of you said anything to each other, you were waiting for the other to concede. That stretched into days, weeks, months of not talking, and then suddenly it seemed shameful to even say anything at all.
So you didn’t.
And now here you are.
You shift the phone to your other ear, pushing those memories out of your mind, and break the silence with a soft, “What’s up?”
Kuroo lets out a nervous laugh, “Happy 10th friendversary.”
You let out a quiet laugh, somewhere between disbelief and shame.
You forgot.
“I haven’t heard that in a minute.”
“Yea, it’s been a while hasn't it?”
You chuckle awkwardly, unsure of what to say next, and as you think about what your conversations used to sound like, your mind is suddenly flooded with memories of what you used to do every year on this eventful day.
“I wonder if that older lady who worked at the ice cream shop is still there?”
“She always gave me a hard time, always telling me that a man is responsible for paying for things.” Kuroo huffs, even though he always paid for you.
“Remember when she flung a cone at you because you forgot your wallet that one year?” You laugh, the memory replaying in your head.
“Bro, I was so pissed! I was picking crushed waffle crumbs out of my hair at the arcade.”
Tears well up in your eyes, your stomach clenching at your attempt at keeping your giggles silent, “And that random mom thought you had lice!”
“She didn’t think I had lice. You fake screamed ‘LICE’ and started to back away from me.”
You feign innocence, but that teasing tone is still evident in your words. “Are you sure? I don’t remember that.”
Tetsuro rolls his eyes, not caring that you can’t see him. “I wonder how you conveniently never remember anything… it’s like that huge head of yours is going to waste.”
You sputter, “Hey! Don’t start. My head is normal-sized, thank you very much. Which cannot be said about those flippers you have for feet.”
Kuroo gasps and a giggle leaves your lip at his dramatics.
He’s always like this.
“That only means my di-”
You interrupt him immediately, “Ew, Tetsu! How many times have I told you I don’t need that image in my head?”
He chuckles, and you can practically envision the smirk that paints his face right now. “Probably as many times as girls have told me that I’m the best they ever had.”
“Okay, so never.”
“You suck.”
“And-”
“Do not put that disgusting image in my head, Y/N.”
The two of you bust out into a fit of laughter, the previous awkwardness gone like it was never there in the first place. But, something lingers in the back of your mind; there has to be a reason for him to call, especially at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday night.
You let your laugh fade out before getting a bit serious, “Are you gonna tell me what's wrong? And before you say ‘nothing,’ I know you, so don’t even think of lying.”
Do you really know him anymore?
You’re running off knowledge and emotions from a time when you were inseparable. You have no clue what he’s like now, and you want to hope he’s the same Tetsu who taunts and teases you like no tomorrow but two years is a long time. And it provides a lot of room for change.
Your friendship is a prime example of that.
However, Kuroo is unwavering when it comes to certain things and he does the same shaky sigh whenever he’s emotional.
“I’m just worried.”
“Worried about what? Volleyball?”
“I quit volleyball.” He mutters and you almost fall out of your bed.
“You what?!?” You scream but quickly quiet down, praying you didn’t wake up your roommate down the hall.
He shrugs his shoulders, “It’s not a big deal, I wasn’t feeling it anymore.”
You shake your head violently, if there was one thing that boy loved besides his family and friends, it was that damn sport.
“Oh, that’s bullshit. Did you get hurt?”
There’s genuine concern in your voice and Kuroo feels pathetic, how does he tell you the real reason he quit?
His voice is so small and it borders the line of broken “No.”
“Then what is it, Tetsuu? I know you didn’t want to go pro but you always said you wanted to play until you graduate college.”
You’re met with no verbal answer, only something that sounds like a sniffle that comes right before the tears. And your heart breaks- no, it shatters like fine china and you wish you could wrap your arms around him.
“You don’t have to answer, you know?”
Your words are the perfect mix of soft, sweet, and understanding; and Kuroo missed this so much.
He misses you.
And he wants to answer, he really does.
Tetsuro wants to tell you that he began to feel this overwhelming loneliness; that regardless of the bonds he created with his teammates it wasn’t the same. All his wins didn’t feel like how they used to, and his losses only hurt so much more. Kuroo knew the reason why he felt so empty: his heart had developed a void that only one person could fill.
“If it isn’t volleyball, then what is it? A girlfriend?” You tease, trying to lighten the mood.
“I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“Not surprised.”
Kuroo lets out a very offended, “Hey!”
You ignore him even though you want to laugh oh so badly.
“Seriously, what's going on?”
“We’re still friends, right?”
The question erases every single word from your vocabulary and your heart sinks. You want to say always, you want to make some joke about how he knows too much and he’s stuck with you.
But, can you?
Even if you guys fell into familiar comfortability, it doesn’t deny there’s tension and unspoken grievances between the two of you.
“I hope so.” You whisper, tears pricking your eyes.
Tetsuro recognizes that whisper, he knows it’s how you keep your voice from wavering when tears threaten to fall. And he realizes that he isn’t the only one harboring this fear, that regardless of the almost no contact for the last two years; you still thought about him in the same way he thought about you.
“Me too.”
Kuroo feels his throat tighten.
Why is this so hard?
If you both want to be friends again, you could do just that. But, it’s not so simple and he knows it. Your friendship has always been this precious thing and now it seems like the most important parts are broken.
Silence blankets the call and you stare up at your bedroom ceiling. It hits the two of you like the first harsh wind of autumn. How can people go from talking like time doesn’t exist, to two years of not even so much as a whisper?
And as much as you want to blame it all on Tetsuro, you have to shoulder your share too. He wasn't the only one who forgot to call or left a text buried under other messages. He wasn't the only one who canceled hangouts and slowly began to pull away.
You did too.
That fight was far from one-sided, you said things you desperately want to take back. You could’ve swallowed your pride and reached out first, Kuroo could’ve too and this whole mess wouldn’t have escalated to this. But when it was creeping up on months of no talking, it seemed shameful to even try. So you held back and didn’t say anything, even when you were missing your friendship.
When you were missing him.
“This is the longest we’ve gone without speaking to each other. It feels weird.” Your voice is barely above a whisper because there’s a fear that if it were any louder, those words would shatter everything you two have left.
“Yeah…”
Neither of you know what to say, before this whole mess you barely had arguments that lasted more than a few hours. All you can do is skate around the issue, hoping one of you starts the painful conversation.
But with every passing second the silence starts to weigh heavier, pressing down on your heart in ways that you’ve never felt before, and your mind doesn’t know how to alleviate the pressure.
“I forgot what today was.” You blurt out, and the tears start to break through your attempt to keep them away. You’ve been ignoring the hurt, redirecting, and even erasing it because you weren’t ready to tell yourself that it was no longer the same. Because if you were to acknowledge that, then it becomes all too real and all too painful.
And Kuroo has been doing the same, because no matter the distance or the time, the two of you were always on the same wavelength. Even when it came to unintentionally hurting each other.
“I know.” His words are pillowy-soft and they contain no blame. And they teeter on the edge of something more.
Tetsuro exhales a shaky breath, “I’m sorry. Everything I said I wish I could take it all back, I wish I apologized sooner. I’m sorry for waiting two years to finally call you. God, I’ve been suffering without you and I kept telling myself you would call or text and it would all go back to normal.”
Your voice is thick with tears, “I was waiting too, I thought that you would call me and everything would just go back to usual. But, I think I really hurt you too and I’m really sorry, Tetsuu. I’m really really sorry for everything, especially for forgetting.”
“It’s okay.”
He’s trying to reassure you, something he’s always done. But, It’s okay to acknowledge your wrongdoings; sometimes friends hurt each other, no matter how close you are. In fact the closer you are, the more it hurts and sometimes the more it takes to mend.
“It’s not okay. Tetsuro, we fought and didn’t speak for two years. It’s okay to say I hurt you and you hurt me. I know we are so used to nothing ever going wrong between us but something went wrong and it’s okay to say that.”
There’s a millisecond of silence and that’s when you hear it: sniffles and quiet cries from a man who’s been holding everything in for way too long. That’s all he needed to hear, that it was normal to feel hurt and for it to stem from you.
Kuroo’s voice cracks towards the end of his sentence, “Never knew you could be that mean.”
He’s referencing the fight but there is a playfulness about his words, one that tells you that he’s ready to put the whole ordeal behind you.
“Yes, you did.” You let out with a soft laugh.
“I did,” He corrects, “I’ve witnessed you say worse to other people, but-”
“I’ve never been like that to you.” You interject, guilt creeping up on you.
“I was pretty rude too.”
“You definitely were.”
Silence comes along again and now instead of tears, you both bust out into laughter. The whole situation seems more dramatic by the minute but you’re happy that you got the opportunity to fix it, to get your best friend back. And Kuroo is happy he got to hear your voice again, that he can hear it anytime he wants, and that you’ll smile with him once more.
Sleep starts to hit the both of you and you yawn through your next words.
“Are you free next weekend?”
“Yeah, why?”
“We have to celebrate our friendversary, duh”
Kuroo smiles, bright and wide, and it's evident in his tone.
"Ice cream?"
"Don't forget your wallet this time, it would be a shame if you got lice again." You tease.
"Fuck you." Kuroo says, his smile never leaving.
“I’m sure you want to.” You giggle, happy you can still get on his nerves.
“Y/N?”
“Hmm?” You’re expecting him to hit you with a line of his own.
“I missed you.” His voice is ten different types of tender and sweet, and you can’t believe you went two years without this.
“I missed you too.”
more sad stuff but with a happy ending !! and more shit to come with it 😋 hope you liked it !!! taglist is open, link is at the top !!
#haikyuu x y/n#haikyuu x black reader#haikyu x reader#haikyuu angst#haikyuu fanfiction#haikyuu fanfic#saturn’s masterlist#mik0rin’s masterlist#kuroo testuro#kuroo x reader#kuroo x black reader#kuroo tetsuro x reader#kuroo tetsuro smut#haikyuu
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are we still friends? status: idk, it's complicated...
kuroo tetsuro x black fem reader
genre: college au, childhood best friends to strangers to best friends to lovers, angst (?) idk maybe
warnings: cussing, word "kill" is used once, confusing feelings, two idiots in love <3
word count: 3,072
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taglist open sign up -> here!!
a/n: i think after this only two or three chapters left ??
It’s a little past noon and rain patters against the cafe window, you swirl the straw around in your drink and the ice cubes clink as they hit the glass. You’re sitting with Mika having your routine day-after debrief and she’s looking at you with narrowed eyes and a frown.
“So after you told me you were just friends, you had mind-blowing sex and now you’re confused?”
“Yes, exactly.”
She leans back and rubs her temples, “You piss me off, you know that?”
Your voice raises in pitch due to bewilderment, “What did I do?!”
Mika gives you a hard stare and you shrink in your seat, sometimes you forget how frightening she can be behind her bubbly personality. You know she’s probably thinking that you were lying last night, but how were you supposed to know that things were going to develop this way? It’s not like any of this was your intention, it was the sort of thing that just kind of happens.
“I wasn’t lying when I said we were just friends, Mika.” You say rather dejectedly and Mika sighs.
Your friend can tell you’re really struggling with this and she can only imagine what’s going through your head. You were a bit of an overthinker and sometimes you jumped to crazy conclusions as a result. And the curly-haired girl knows this is a delicate situation.
When her mind was clearer this morning due to being sober, she remembered that she’d seen Kuroo before on your socials and when she asked about him, you were quick to change the subject. Your face always looked sullen at the mention of him and you only vaguely mentioned what happened between the two of you, but she could tell it hurt you deeply.
Her voice is much softer this time, “I didn’t call you a liar, babe. It’s just that you told me that you were friends last night and then you’re telling me all this the next day, it's a bit…”
“I know.”
You know how it looks; you were so adamant last night and here you are, telling her that actually it is a little different.
Mika flashes you an understanding smile before diving into (friendly) interrogation.
“So where is he now?”
You quickly reminisce on how difficult it was to leave earlier. Tetsuro wouldn’t let go of you and you had to pretend to fall asleep again, and then slowly maneuver out of his embrace.
He’s kinda cute when he’s clingy though.
You shake your head lightly, trying to get rid of that thought. Why were you thinking like that?
Mika looks at you like you’re losing your mind and you try to cover up your little moment by answering her question.
“Asleep in my apartment, he doesn’t leave until tomorrow.”
Then she asks the burning question, “What are you going to do?”
Your shoulders slump in frustration, “I don’t know. We’re still friends, so I feel like there’s nothing to do?”
“You definitely have to do something.”
You groan, all of this is way too hard.
Mika lightly hits her hands on the table, shaking your drinks ever-so slightly and she looks like she has a bright idea. And you know the girl is going to ask you something that’s nearly impossible to properly answer.
“Okay, different approach: Y’all acted like a couple last night, how did that make you feel?”
She sounds like your therapist and you can imagine her with pen and notepad in hand, scribbling down things that seemed noteworthy during the session.
“Good? Weird? I don’t fucking know.” You cover your face with your hands and slide down in your seat.
“Damn. You don’t know anything, do you?”
She’s joking and you’re grateful for a little comedic break, but too much truth exists in that sentence. You don’t know anything; your feelings are a knotted mess in both your heart and mind, and you have no idea which thread to pull to untangle it.
Mika doesn’t wait for any verbal response but she does take your small smile as a cue to continue.
“To me, at least, It looks like you like him. And don’t kill me now, but I think we can even use the other word. Like the fact it’s even tripping you up this bad means it’s serious. I’ve never seen you act like this with anyone else.”
The other word?
Well, of course you love Kuroo but you know Mika means in love, and once again you don’t know.
“But-”
She puts her hand up, cutting you off. “Listen. You two have been friends for so long that you don’t know how to separate what is platonic and romantic, and it's because in your mind it’s just Kuroo Tetsuro.”
Oh god.
She’s right.
There had to be a point where your feelings were a little more than platonic but you couldn’t tell because Tetsuro has always just been Tetsuro to you. You never really had to describe what you felt for him because it seems obvious. The two of you were close and that was evident to anyone who saw you. Why did you have to think any further than that?
Your voice is small and fear coats the ends of your words. “Mika, what if our friendship gets ruined? I don’t think I can go through that shit again.”
“I mean y’all already had sex so I think the ‘ruination' would've happened directly after that. And the way you described it, it was fine afterwards. So don’t think about that, just start with talking with him about last night. And if something bad happens, which it won’t, I’m always here.”
Her words are sincere and she gives you a look of support, and your heart swells. You don’t know what you would do without her and moments like these make you think about how blessed you are when it comes to friends.
You smile at her, “Thanks, Mika. I love you.”
“Love you too. But, I have to ask.”
“You really know how to ruin a moment.”
She ignores your comment, “Anyways, you were selfish with the details today, and you were practically glowing when you came in, so how was it? Like really?”
Last night runs through your mind and you start to heat up, and Mika raises an eyebrow at the way you refuse to meet her eye.
“I was taken care of,” You say with a content sigh and your head drops down onto the table.
Giving up because you won’t reveal any specifics, Mika leans back in her seat, her head tilted in curiosity.
“It was that good?”
You lift your head just enough to peek at her. “4,” Is all you say.
“Four what?” You give her a look and the gears start to turn in her head, “Oh..OHH. Oh my god.”
“Mhmm,” You hum.
She puts her hand over mouth in mock-shock, “You nasty freaks.”
You sit up immediately and point at her, “Don’t even. I know some things about you and mister bio lab partner.”
Mika shuts her mouth immediately and you stare at each other for half a second before becoming a giggling mess. Your worries start to dissipate and you know deep in your heart that everything will be fine.
“No, but seriously. What was going on with you and Mr.Bio last night?”
It’s still raining by the time you come home and it darkens your usually bright living room. You can hear the washing machine going and when you walk into the kitchen to grab water, you notice the dishes in your sink have been washed too. As you get closer to your room, you smell the familiar scent of your candle and catch sight of the man you left behind in a new set of lounge clothes; he’s asleep and you remember you saw his gym shoes at the door.
You set the things you have in your hands on your nightstand and quietly step into the bathroom. The smell of bathroom cleaner still lingers in the air and everything is organized, Kuroo even managed to put it in the places you normally would.
Tetsuro must have woken up some time after you left, went to the gym, and then cleaned up after he returned. You smile to yourself, he’s so incredibly sweet and attentive; ever since you were young Saturdays have been your cleaning day and when you were growing up, Tetsu knew it was a day that was hard to hang out. And when your families got closer, he even came over to help.
You crouch down by the bed and wake Kuroo with a gentle shake. He sits up and rubs his eyes a few times before they settle on you, and his expression is soft and warm. His hair is sticking up in multiple directions and the only thought that runs through your mind is: how adorable.
“Morning.” He mumbles, voice coated with sleep- all deep and raspy. And you really don’t want to admit how good it sounds.
“Afternoon, sleepyhead,” You grab the pastry and drink off your nightstand and offer it to him.
“For me?”
“For you.”
“Thanks, angel.” He says it so smoothly like it’s meant to be there, like he’s always called you that. And with that voice? Is he trying to kill you?
You ignore the quickening pace of your heart and you’re sure your face might be betraying your attempt to conceal your emotions. You tell yourself that he doesn’t notice but Tetsuro does and he takes a bite of the buttery croissant to cover his smile. He wishes you could see the way your entire face softens and how your eyes tell him that you want to hear it again. And Kuroo will grant that wish; in fact he wants to call you that again and again, until it’s ingrained in your brain and you don’t respond to anything else. He wants your actual name to sound foreign on his lips and the times he does use it is to convey such a deep emotion, that he has to use your name to establish his sincerity.
You stand up, pushing on your knees, “Did you clean?”
Tetsuro nods as he drinks the tea you bought and you give him a warm appreciative smile, and he’s ready to hear something sweet fall from your lips.
“Thank you, maid.” Your smile is still warm but it’s also a challenge, and the dark-eyed boy knows you’re waiting for him to strike back. But the way your eyes are sparkling tells him that he isn’t going to win.
Kuroo rolls his eyes and you let out a triumphant chuckle before disappearing into the bathroom, shutting the door behind you.
“You wanna do somethin’ today?” You yell through the door as you change out of your clothes.
“Sleep.” He responds loud enough for you to hear.
The bathroom swings open and you stand in the doorway, adorned in your house clothes complete with the satin bonnet.
“The smartest thing to ever come out of your mouth.”
Kuroo gives you a playful glare, “You can never agree like a normal person?”
You slide into bed next to him and squeeze his cheeks, “Why would I do that? When pissing you off is so much more fun.”
You let go of his face and Kuroo mumbles something about how it isn’t fair because he couldn’t keep up with you. You laugh at his sore loser attitude and tell him he’s had ten years to figure it out.
And at the mention of your decade-long friendship, you remember what Mika had told you earlier today. You have to talk to him about last night, there’s no way around it. The two of you had already had a case of terrible communication and if you could, you’d rather avoid another one.
You look at the blanket, playing with the end of it and Tetsuro raises an eyebrow at the sudden shift in your mood.
“Um, about last night.”
Oh.
That’s why you look so nervous and now he’s nervous too, because the expression on your face isn’t good. Fear settles in him and he wonders if that’s regret he’s seeing. He doesn’t even want to imagine the eighty-two different ways his heart would rip apart if you were to say that you want to erase the memory of last night. And the worst part is that he would agree because if it made you happy, he wouldn’t think twice about it.
“Do you regret it?” Kuroo’s voice is so small and he finds it embarrassing.
Your eyes widen and you look at him in surprise, his face has distress written all over it.
“No, no, no.” You reassure him, “I had a really good time, Tetsuu.”
He lets out a sigh of relief and he meets your gaze, and he knows you’re telling the truth.
You continue “It’s just that, you know, we’re best friends and that’s not really a thing friends do. I’m worried that-”
“That everything will change and we’ll end up where we were two years ago.” He finishes off your sentence and it’s like he can read your mind but Kuroo is also thinking the same thing, he had a similar conversation with Kenma while you had yours with Mika. The two of you have a fear so powerful that it puts those other feelings in the shadows. It’s scary to think about losing each other once again and after you’ve only resolved the whole issue a few months ago.
“I don’t think it’ll change anything. It happened and that’s it, we’ll say it was a one-time thing.”
Tetsuro says with a small smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
He’s trying, he really is because if he were to be honest this is breaking his heart. You see, there’s a difference between you and Kuroo: he’s a bit of a liar.
When Akaashi asked if you two ever had feelings for each other and you said no, he felt like someone had taken a rubber mallet to his chest. The poor boy has been struggling with his feelings for you for years, bouncing between acceptance and confusion. He’s always questioning himself and for someone else to ask the question so plainly, and for you to answer like you didn’t need a second to think. Well, he thought that was the end, and then last night your eyes and body told a different story and Tetsuro was immersed in those conflicting thoughts once again. And now, you’re basically telling him that you went too far as friends, so what else can he do except try to keep the status quo?
“Yeah, I guess I was worried for nothing. You know I overthink like crazy.” You say with a nervous laugh.
So many words sit on the tip of your tongue and yet the ones that really matter won’t make themselves heard. Why don’t you tell him that it was okay if some things were to change? That the actual thing you were afraid of was rejection? Why can’t you tell him that your heart was yearning for something else?
Friends fall for each other all the time, what’s so different about the two of you?
Silence follows your last sentence and the two of you stare at each other, desperately searching for something in the other’s eyes to indicate this conversation was far from over. But anxiety keeps you from continuing and you both lay down after mumbling in agreement that you should sleep like you planned.
Kuroo’s arms wrap around you and his face buried in the crook of your neck. The warmth is lulling you to sleep but the feeling of him is keeping your heart awake. And Tetsuro keeps his eyes shut behind you as he tries to force himself to sleep. His nose is full of the scent of you and his emotions are heavy on him. He knows what happened this weekend is only going to cause his heart more stress; but what more can he do besides accept everything in the comfort of your soft sheets and skin?
The rest of the weekend speeds past and then it’s Sunday evening, and the two of you are in front of the station waiting for Kuroo’s train back to Tokyo. Ever since reconciling you’ve been a little more sensitive when it comes time to part. However, today you just can’t keep it together. Maybe it’s the accumulation of your feelings crashing down on you or the atmosphere created by a person you love leaving, because one look at him and you're bursting into tears.
Other people around start to feel sympathy, assuming you’re a young long distance couple that doesn’t get to see each other often. Kuroo sets down his duffel bag and bends down slightly so his face is right in front of yours.
“Come on, If you cry like that I won’t be able to leave.” His voice is gentle with hints of sadness.
You wipe your face and murmur, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, come here.”
You close the space between the two of you, wrapping your arms around his waist and he rubs your back as your tears continue to fall.
“Do you have to go?” You look up at him, big round brown eyes and the cutest pout on your glossy lips. Saying no to you right now feels like a bullet to the heart but Kuroo knows that he has to, otherwise he would never go back to university.
He tries reasoning, “I’m coming back in two weeks for your graduation and then you come to Tokyo with me for mine.”
And you take it, after a small complaint that two weeks is too long.
Then you’re watching him walk onto the train and Tetsuro offers you one last wave, and you return it with a teary smile. As the train speeds away and you walk back to your apartment, you get a text from him.
tetsuu (hater): if your face gets puffy send a pic i need to change your contact photo
you: i want you to go to hell and burn.
tetsuu (hater): so no?
you: if i end up on the news, i’ll be smiling in my mugshot because i would have accomplished my dream of killing you. don’t text me ever again
tetsuu (hater): damn, tough crowd
a/n: sorry for the late update, i haven't had anytime and i've been really tired lately :// but here is the update (don't worry i've already started the next chapter, so you'll see it soon !!), since the smut did so well ummm i might be posting something with toji soon ? idk the time tho because i'm still working on it,, :)))
#mik0rin’s masterlist#saturn’s masterlist#haikyuu x y/n#haikyuu x black reader#haikyuu#haikyuu fanfiction#haikyuu fanfic#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu kuroo#kuroo x black reader#kuroo x reader#kuroo tetsuro x reader#kuroo tetsuro x you#kuroo tetsurō#kuroo tetsuro#kuroo tetsuro x black reader
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lovers’ choice
special agent!armin arlert x vigilante!black fem reader genre: angst, cat & mouse (kinda), a rock and a hard place warnings: gun usage, death, hard decisions word count: 1,613
a/n: this is in 3rd pov but it’s still a xreader fic !
Armin remembers when that pink manilla folder hit his desk with a heavy thud, detailing all of her crimes and none of her identity. He remembers how he’s spent the better half of his special agent career chasing after her and how she slips through his fingers every single time. And how with every encounter; his heart beat a little differently and his morals began to bend, he slowly realized that they had the same goal and different methods.
So, when she waltzed into Investigation Headquarters with the smile of a notorious heart bandit, demanding she talk to him (and only him); Armin’s eyes almost fell from their sockets and he immediately handcuffed her and took the girl to his office.
“Is this a dream of yours?” She smirks at him.
“Finally catching you? Yes.” He replies, ignoring her innuendo.
She tilts her head at him, her pink and white beads making a clack sound as they collide with one another.
“Technically, I turned myself in, so you didn’t do jack shit.” She lowers herself into the chair, crossing her legs.
The blond-haired man narrows his eyes at her. Something wasn’t right, she would never willingly turn herself in, unless…
“You need help.” He states, the corners of his lips tugging up with amusement.
“I never need your help.” She huffs. Armin crosses his arms, raises an eyebrow, and uses that stupid smile that makes her stomach clench.
The girl sighs, rolling her eyes. “Okay, maybe I need a little bit of help.”
Help.
Such an interesting word.
Depending on the context, it can sound as desperate as a breaking heart or as embarrassing as a sheepish request.
So what would you call this?
As Armin sits restrained to a chair across from the only person whom he would and has chased to the ends of the earth. What do you call the tears that stain her beautiful brown skin and the way she struggles against the bindings that hold her to the chair?
“Please, let him go!” The girl pleads.
A man walks towards her, his hands in his pockets and the air about him is calm as if this was a regular occurrence.
“Well tell him to shoot you then.” A sadistic grin stretches across his face, “I already explained that only one of you gets to leave here.”
Armin smiles at her- all pain, torment, and love. Oh so much love and it breaks her. She can’t do this, she won’t do this.
“No. Don’t look at me like that.”
“You have to get out of here. Please.” This time he begs, tears clinging to his bottom lashes and an ache in his chest. He doesn’t care what happens to him but she has to live. He’s never raised such a lethal weapon at her, and today won’t be the first.
She turns to the man, hatred burning in her brown eyes. “I’ll kill you, Kaito”
“No, you won’t. You’ll kill him.” He sneers.
Armin swallows in a choked breath, his voice wavering with utter destruction. “It’s okay.”
Her face is riddled with emotions she’s never felt before, and she wonders if this is what true sorrow feels like. Like a door that never closes while the bitter chill of winter wind constantly blows in.
“It’s not okay.” She bites out, “How can you say ‘it’s okay’? We haven’t even had a chance. You don’t know my birthday, or my real name, or my favorite color. You know nothing about me and you want to leave me?”
“Sage. Your favorite color is sage, your birthday is in spring, and your real name sounds like the key to my heart. So, please, tell him you’ll shoot me.”
Her eyes soften at his sweet words, but the tears continue to spill at his last sentence and hopelessness starts to nip at her soul.
There’s really no way out, is there?
This is destroying him, shredding Armin up inside because helplessness is an evil emotion. One that forces a person to their knees and makes them submit to its power because there’s nothing one can do once every choice is stolen and all that is left is the feeling of their soul ripping away.
The dark-haired man groans with impatience and takes matters into his own hands. Cocking the gun and holding it to the girl’s temple.
“This isn’t a movie, make a decision or I’ll decide for you.” Kaito presses the barrel into her skin and her head leans to the side.
Armin’s entire body stiffens, unbridled fear coursing through his veins. She can’t die, he can’t watch her die, and he’s not strong enough to hold her body in his arms and not follow after her.
“We made our decision.” The agent’s voice is level, all the years of high-stress and hostage training coming through. But, that “we” meant absolutely nothing because that’s not a decision they made.
It’s the one he made and the only decision Armin will accept, no matter what she says.
She looks at him, her eyes full of nothing but desperation as she tries to get him to change his mind. But, he won’t and she knows he won’t.
And that’s the worst part of it all.
Armin didn’t ask her, he didn’t come up with some plan or follow along with her elaborate ones; because he knows that there’s no pretty solution to all this. Armin knows that they have lost, and this loss is going to cost a lot more.
The blonde-haired man’s voice is clear as he speaks, “It’s me. She’ll shoot me.”
Kaito drops the gun in the girl’s lap, and lets out a rather energetic “Wonderful.”
He takes a few steps back and flashes them another evil smile.
“What is stopping me from killing you instead, Kaito?” She threatens, her body shaking with anger and the early stages of grief.
“What makes you think I’ll be in this room?” His head tilts towards the window on the left side of the room, “I’ll be watching from right there. Those handcuffs are electronic, I can unlock them from anywhere.”
And to make his point even more clear, Kaito walks out right after and the heavy door slams shut with a resounding boom behind him. And a minute later, the handcuffs make a quiet beep noise before releasing them. She springs to her feet, the gun clattering to the floor and the pair meet in the space between the two chairs.
Armin wants nothing more than to embrace her, to trap her lips with his until breathing becomes a foreign concept to him. But, he can’t because he knows if he were to hold her, it would take the power of the gods to pull him away.
It is absolutely silent save for the heavy shaky breaths that leave both of them. What could they say to each other that wouldn’t descend into more tears and despair? What words could possibly be used in this situation? Or do they even exist?
Armin picks up the weapon from the floor, turning the muzzle to press against his chest and he gently places her hand on the handle. A choked sob leaves her mouth and he gives her a teary smile, nodding his head as if to say “Go ahead, it’s okay.”
The girl shakes her head, “I can’t. You’re gonna hate me.”
It’s a weak excuse because everyone knows that the essence of his very being will only hold the type of love people pray for.
“You know I won’t. I never have and never will.”
“But I will, I’ll hate myself so much.” The girl sobs and if it were quieter, everyone would hear her heart break piece by piece.
“I love you enough for the both of us.”
Tears slide down Armin’s face like rainfall and it ruins her heart like thunderstorms do to unstable homes.
Her shaky finger hovers over the trigger and he continues to stare into her eyes, looking at her with nothing but pure adoration- the kind that washes over one’s heart and leaves it feeling like it’s truly been seen.
As her index finger begins to slowly apply pressure, the sound of commotion breaks through the emotionally charged atmosphere. Heavy combat boots hit the floor and they can hear the faint yells of “Investigation HQ” and “Rescue.” Suddenly, the door swings open and her heart starts to feel lighter.
They’re going to be saved.
But Kaito hates to lose especially when he’s this close to tasting victory. Seeing their suffering and witnessing them crumble bit by bit is oh-so-sweet to him. And this is the only way he can win, through the agony of others.
Through her agony. Because breaking the one person who shattered his heart is the only way to quench his ever-consuming hate, that was once all-consuming and pleasant love.
Gunshots cut through the air as the agents fight with Kaito’s men, and through the chaos, she and Armin start to escape. He’s right behind her, a comforting hand on her lower back as they weave in between people to get out.
As they get closer to the exit, the hand on her back is much heavier than before and the girl can’t turn around, she won’t turn around. All she does is fall to the ground as her knees buckle beneath her and she realizes this is what she hates about the world: it’s gluttonous. It only ever takes; it’ll take one’s innocence, joy, and love. The world steals every ounce of anything that makes a person whole, leaving them with only a petal of already-diminishing hope.
Just to snatch that away too.
don’t hate me too much y’all, i had to write it 😩 hope you liked it (or hated it bcs it made you too sad) but im posting other stuff too (lowkey more angst)
make sure to drink water and take care of yourself in this new year !!
#armin x black reader#aot fanfiction#armin aot#armin arlert#armin arlet x reader#attack on titan fanfiction#attack on titan#aot angst#mik0rin’s masterlist#saturn’s masterlist#aot x black y/n#aot x reader#aot x black reader#aot
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a thorn, a crown, and a sword
knight commander!eren jaeger x princess!black fem reader
genre: royalty au, rivals/enemies to lovers (??)
warnings: mentions of theft
word count: 913
a/n: this is based off a dream i had lmaooo, also if you want to experience the story fully i HIGHLY suggest u listen to the song i added :))
youtube
The ballroom is teeming with snow-covered flowers, glittering tree branches, and magical snowflakes that shift into whatever design befits the person who walks under it. You gently grip Chastity’s arms, as you congratulate her on her debut and compliment her soft pink ball gown- she looks like a spring-time flower amongst all the wintery attire. It’s customary for one member of the royal family to attend a debut ball and bless the debutante’s transition into full adulthood. And this particular debutante is a close friend of yours and you so happen to be the crown princess.
You give her one last dazzling smile before letting her go. You adjust the neckline of your frosty blue and silver gown, and the orchestra changes the music into the first waltz of the evening. Your partner is nowhere to be found and while everyone is focused on Chastity or their own partners, it is still quite the embarrassment for the princess to sit out on the first waltz.
“His existence relies on being a bother to me.” You grumble under your breath.
“It is quite unbecoming of a royal to talk to themselves.”
You turn and face Eren, a stupid smirk on his face and his hand outstretched waiting for yours. You take in his suit, the same frosty blue and silver as your dress and it burns you up inside to admit he looks beyond handsome.
“You are late.” You say, putting your hand into his. The knight leads you to the dancefloor and you easily join the flow of the waltz circle. “Do I have to remind you this is a part of our investigation? Those documents will not grow legs and walk themselves to us.”
“Trust me, Your Highness, that is the only reason I am attending.” He replies, a slight edge in his deep voice.
Your hand slides from his upper arm to rest on his shoulder as you spin, “Well, I suppose we share the same sentiment. I am not exactly thrilled to have you as my partner either, I have much better options.”
The dark-haired man tilts his head, disbelief and something else you can’t place flashing in his eyes. “And who might that be, princess?”
A small smile graces your lips, “Duke Kirstein, among many others.”
Knight Jaeger’s grip on your waist tightens and pulls you close as the music grows louder. His lips are right at your ear, “If I may share my opinion.”
You shiver, your body tingling at the sensation. However, you maintain a neutral expression in order to ensure he doesn’t realize he can elicit such reactions from you.
“You may not.”
Eren ignores your dismissal and continues on, “While the two of you were conversing, Duke Kirstein's eyes seemed to linger a second too long to be considered appropriate.”
Your eyes scan his face, looking for any signs that he may have been joking but none were there. So, you answer him in the way you typically would: confident and matter-of-fact.
“Should I fault him? The Duke has noticed my beauty in this dress. Do you expect me to strike him down for having good taste?”
“Good taste,” He scoffs.
“You would not understand, I know you do not have an eye for such things.”
“Well, should I comment on something that holds no relevance to me?”
Your lips fall into a flat line, he certainly knows what nerves to press down on. “A simple ‘I do not like your gown.’ would suffice, Sir Jaeger.”
Eren’s other hand drops to your waist as he prepares for the lift. His face is unreadable, as per usual. You don’t remember when the mutual dislike started, but it’s at these times that you remember why it exists.
“I cannot lie.” The man mumbles.
“Pardon?”
“Saying I do not like your dress, would be a lie.” Eren lifts you off the ground and now your face is only a few inches from his. “You always bewitch me, princess.”
Your eyes widen, heat radiating from every inch of you. Your mind can’t comprehend the words but your heart surely can, and it reacts in a way you never thought possible. Eren places you back on the floor gently and pulls you in close for the ending dip.
His own heart and mind are having problems of their own, and the gray-eyed knight curses himself for uttering those words. He cannot have you mistake him for having any other emotion besides disdain towards you.
“Naturally, I mean you must have used your witchery and magic spells on me, again.” He coughs out.
The moment is now shattered into heart-shaped pieces and both of you are a bit relieved, it was becoming too vulnerable for your liking. Eren dips you, his hand firmly supporting your lower back and you roll your eyes at his remark.
“I would never be so pitiful as to use my precious ability to force an attempt of charm. I am certain I have better opportunities to display my power.”
The music effortlessly changes into a simple melody meant to exist in the background, and the two of you let go of one another. There’s a slightly tense air hanging over you and you look up at Eren, only to find him already looking at you.
“Shall we go steal some documents?” You ask, reminding Eren (and yourself) what you originally came to do.
“Participating in a crime together? I thought you would never ask, Your Highness.”
a/n: i loveeee writing royalty au’s, hope y’all loved it just as much <333 (also debating turning this into a full story)
#mik0rin’s masterlist#saturn’s masterlist#attack on titan fanfiction#eren jaeger#eren yeager#eren#eren jeager x reader#eren x black fem!reader#eren aot#eren x reader#attack on titan#aot x black y/n#aot x black reader#eren yeager x black reader#eren jaeger x black reader#aot x reader#aot#aot fanfiction
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2day, 2morrow, 4ever : masterlist
- prologue
- strawberry shortcake & long talks (kinda)
- party music & too many pauses
#mik0rin’s masterlist#saturn’s masterlist#jjk x black reader#jujutsu kaisen x black reader smut#gojo satoru#gojo x black reader#gojo satoru x black reader
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are we still friends? status list
( * = has smut )
- status: pending...
- status: yes, but only friends...*
- status: idk, it's complicated...
#mik0rin’s masterlist#saturn’s masterlist#haikyuu#haikyuu fanfiction#haikyuu x black reader#kuroo x black reader#kuroo tetsuro smut#kuroo tetsurou#kuroo x reader
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the luvrs club ❥ pothos
pothos: the god of yearning and desire. the passionate longing between lovers, especially when one is unattainable.
“they say distance makes the heart grow fonder but i don’t know how much “fonder” my heart can get. i want to see you, hold you, and feel your skin against mine. why can’t we close the distance and love each other face to face.”
timeskip!iwaizumi x college!black fem reader genre: angst with a happy ending, argument warnings: cursing, insults, mentions of mental health/insecurity word count: 6,975
playlist: spotify apple music
m.list next host
14 hours, 26 minutes, and 16 seconds…. 17…. 18,
And not a single notification from your boyfriend. You stare at your phone, waiting and silently wishing just one text would pop up. Even the three dots indicating that he was typing would satisfy you but there was nothing there. By now you should be accustomed to the lack of communication but the reason for the radio silence is what bothers you.
An aggravated sigh escapes your mouth and you get up from your position on the couch, abandoning your phone in the living room as you walk to your kitchen. You begin opening all your cabinets in search of something to soothe the festering irritation in your chest.
And like an added soundtrack to your life, there’s a tiny voice, one so small- so quiet urging, begging you to go back to your phone and text him. The voice is very persuasive, you cannot deny, as it lists off reasons as to why you should be the one to reach out first. You ignore the whisper, muting it because it can’t always be you.
A relationship requires the continuous effort of two people and your heart could no longer bear the strain of double work.
“I’m not texting him, fuck all that” You huff as you grab a bottle of juice.
Soft footsteps thud against the hardwood floor as you trudge back to the comfort of your couch. You pick up your phone again, ignoring the empty notification center and scroll through multiple delivery apps.
The juice has done nothing to pacify the hurt spreading throughout your body like a never ending flame. You need something else to distract you because soon your thoughts will be gasoline to the wildfire of pain.
After ordering from your favorite restaurant you switch your attention to the TV, hoping the background noise from whatever you choose would aid in the distraction you so desperately seek. But as you browse through countless anime, Netflix originals, and Disney movies, nothing interests you or rather everything seems to pale in comparison to the situation at hand.
You shut the TV off and opt to sit in silence, staring at the ceiling and listening to the white noise that fills your apartment.
It works, for a while.
Until the quiet is too quiet. Until the steady tick of the clock is growing louder by the second and its echoes in your brain, almost like an insult that still stings your heart years later. Why did you think this was a good idea? Why would you give yourself the opportunity to be alone with your thoughts when that has only destroyed you multiple times before?
“This is driving me crazy. I have to do something.” You groan, sitting up abruptly. You grab your phone from its spot on the coffee table, once again ignoring the lack of notifications from one Iwaizumi Hajime and calling someone who would listen to all your troubles.
If you couldn’t be alone with your thoughts then what’s the harm in sharing them with someone else?
Five rings pass before you hear the click that tells you the other person has finally picked up. There’s something resembling a sigh coming from the other end and you take it as a greeting and a sign to start running your mouth.
“Kunimi, your friend is a whole bitch and I hope you know that.”
“Well, happy holidays to you too and I’m good thanks for asking.” Kunimi replies sarcastically, completely unfazed by your words.
“Yea, hello or whatever. But can you believe this man hasn’t contacted me in the last-” You glance at the time before continuing, “-14 hours and 36 minutes?”
“You’ve been keeping count?” His voice is steady and level as usual but with the years of friendship between the two of you there’s no way you would miss the shock lurking in between his words.
Your voice wavers as you bite back tears.
“Yeah… This is a new record for him. And at this point I can’t figure out if I’m really hurt or just over it all. I never thought he would treat me like this.”
The small sniffle and brokenhearted look you wear is all it takes for Kunimi to understand that whatever has transpired in the past 14 hours has truly hurt you. And the brown-haired boy might not be the greatest at comfort but for his best friend, he would do all he could.
“What should I do, Ki?” You mumble out.
His voice softens as he speaks.
“First you have to tell me what happened. I can’t help you if I don't know.”
“Okay well remember how I said Iwa’s been distant lately? That’s where it all started.”
Time, the most precious element in a long distance relationship. Everything depends on time, whether it be time zones or figuring out how much sleep you can sacrifice to talk to your beloved. And if the one in your heart truly means that much to you, you would scrap up minutes and seconds to hear a warm hello.
Your relationship with Iwaizumi certainly began that way. The hours long facetimes and constant texts. Voice messages and random photos sent throughout the day used to fill the void of physical contact. And staying up late to wish the other good morning before you lay your head down to rest. All of it was enough to keep your heart beating even when you were 5,471 miles apart.
However, the normal hours-long facetimes become simple texts and missed calls. It turns into short two word answers and noncommittal hums in response. All you start to hear from Iwaizumi is “Sorry, I’m busy�� and “I’ll call you back later.”
Those were lies and empty promises of course and as time went on they only got worse. Sometimes you would go days without nothing more than a “hello” and when you pressed for more, it only resulted in disappointment. You tried not to read too much into it, blaming it on school and environment. You began telling yourself you shouldn’t expect so much, that you were being unreasonable and clingy. Hajime had so much to worry about, especially being so far from the only home he’s known and his distant behavior wasn’t a reflection of how he felt about you.
That’s until he began posting more often and updating his story, something which he never cared about before. You saw him hanging out with friends and going on weekend trips. He was laughing and smiling, a sight you haven’t seen in weeks. You want to be happy for him but you can’t, you can’t because you couldn’t fight off the feeling of being ignored, of being forgotten, and disregarded.
And if that wasn’t enough, that’s when you start seeing her. You didn't know who she was, maybe a classmate or coworker but she’s plastered everywhere like annoying billboards outside apartment windows. She begins showing up in his videos, in his posts, and comments. You didn’t miss the way her arm would drape over his shoulders or her lingering looks full of some emotion you can’t quite place.
When you ask Hajime about her you make sure it's casual and not accusatory, because the last thing you want to do is start an argument with someone who tends to be blinded by their own pride. His response was definitely one you wanted to hear but not necessarily one you believed. He told you she was his roommate’s sister and that they were just friends. And while all of that seemed true you couldn’t shake the feeling of jealousy.
The kind that starts to cut away at your soul leaving nasty scars and you’re not sure they’ll ever heal. Why is that she got more of his time than you did? What about her was so special that it cast a shadow on your love?
So instead of tending to your soul scars, you cover them with cheap band-aids and off-brand ointment. You began making excuses and no longer questioned Iwa’s actions. He was your boyfriend after all. He was yours and you were his, and that should be reassurance enough.
Well that’s what you thought until one night your phone starts ringing in the middle of your Criminal Minds binge. You reach over, grabbing it from your nightstand and a smile so bright, one that could put the stars to shame stretches across your face.
He was calling you. After days of barely getting past the hi, hello, and how are you’s, Iwaizumi was making the first move. You press accept, holding the phone up to your ear.
“Hi, Haji!” Your voice is warm and sweet, everything you want his to be.
All you hear is rustling, indistinct voices, and faint music. So you repeat yourself, assuming he can’t hear you because of bad cell service.
“Hellloooooo, Hajime?”
You pull the phone away from your ear and check the time in Los Angeles, it was only a few minutes past 2 pm and you wonder if he’s at work. This would not be the first time Iwa has accidentally dialed your number while on the clock. You decide to check his location that way you could end the call without any worries and shoot him a text to let him know what happened.
But his location isn’t at the local gym, no he’s still at home and that’s when you hear it. A loud laugh from Iwaizumi and the voice that follows it, her voice. They were together and you were a mistake stuck in his pocket, a voice stuck behind a cracked glass screen.
You want to be petty, you want to scream and yell profanities loud enough to embarrass them both but you knew your boyfriend. He wasn’t one to react to that and he wasn’t one to cheat either. Iwa was the one who insisted the two of you pursue a long distance relationship after you expressed doubts about it.
Doubts that are coming to fruition day by day.
So you text him, asking him if he meant to call you. You knew the answer was no but you just want to see what he does next. The vibration from his phone echoes in the call and you can hear more rustling as he pulls it out of his pocket.
“Babe?” Iwaizumi questions, heavy confusion dripping from the singular word.
“I think you called me by accident.”
“Yea I think so. Didn’t even notice, sorry.” You can clearly picture him rubbing the back of his neck like he always did when he apologized to you.
“I figured since you seem real busy. I’ll talk to you whenever you decide to actually call me.” You shift in your bed, getting ready to end the call.
“Nah, I’m not busy. I’ll call you in like two hours, okay?”
“Mmhm, bye” You hum, not believing it all and ending the call. If he wasn’t busy, why not continue the conversation at that moment?
Unlike usual, disappointment didn’t follow Iwa’s words and to your surprise he did call two hours later. The facetime call started with its usual pleasantries and the feeling that scratched away at your soul had been reduced to a minor itch and that was enough to make you happy for the moment.
Even if he did keep his word doesn’t mean his behavior changed completely.
“How were finals? I know you were really worried about it.” You ask.
“Fine.” His voice is flat and he doesn’t elaborate nor does he ask you about yours.
This is exactly how the rest of the conversation goes. Hajime treats talking to you like an annoying chore and despite calling you first he only responds with dry answers like he couldn’t be bothered and that’s only if he chose to answer. Other times he would leave your words hanging in the air, unacknowledged and unanswered. Once again you were the only one putting in the effort and it hurts. It feels like a vine is wrapping around your heart and digging its thorns into the delicate flesh.
“Oh! Did I tell you I got my hair done?” You start taking off your bonnet, excitement buzzing throughout your entire body. You look into the camera, adjusting the black soft locs to frame your face.
Iwaizumi appears a minute later, his eyes doing a quick glance over before disappearing off the camera like some stupid magic trick.
“It’s nice.”
Nice? Just nice?
You know what would be nice?
If your boyfriend actually gave you the attention you deserve. If he complimented you in a way that would make your heart swell ten times its size. If he made you feel wanted, made you feel adored.
But, he didn't.
Instead it’s like he left the door open, letting in the chill of December and your heart was at risk of severe frostbite.
You let out a shaky breath, swallowing tears of hurt and anger. You've had enough.
“Do you have something better to do?”
“What you say?”
“Do you have something better to do? Am I boring you or what?” You snap.
“What’s with the attitude? You need to chill out.” Iwa reprimands, not enjoying the sudden change in tone.
You scoff. An attitude? At this point, he shouldn’t expect anything less especially with the way he’s been treating you.
“One, don’t tell me what to do. Two, have you even realized this is the first time we’ve talked for more than 5 minutes in the last three weeks? If you would even call this a conversation considering the fact I’m the only one talking.”
Iwaizumi doesn’t want to argue with you, he doesn’t want the conversation to go any further because he knows how the both of you are. And he knows that anything past the point will only result in a wound much too deep to heal. So he stays quiet.
But antagonizing him was one of your special talents.
“And as usual you got nothing to say. You’re on hush mode just as I motherfuckin’ expected. You never fucking change. Or actually you don’t care enough to change.”
“And exactly how am I supposed to change? What am I supposed to say? It’s not like you ever give me the room to talk. You only talk about yourself. Everything is always about you or are you too self-absorbed to notice?”
You open your mouth to respond but he cuts you off before the words are able to form on your tongue.
His voice raises a couple octaves in an attempt to imitate you.
“It’s always ‘Oh look at my hair Haji,’ ‘I bought this Zumi,’ ‘I got 60 on my test Haji.’ So tell me exactly how I'm going to contribute to the conversation?”
This isn’t any ordinary imitation, no he’s mocking you. And if he was trying to hurt you, well he could celebrate a win. His statement causes a very familiar feeling to return, the feeling of thorns tearing away at your skin.
“It’s not like you’re any better, Hajime. Don’t sit on my phone and act all high and mighty. I ask you a question, you brush me off. I try to get you to talk, you don’t even respond. I’m always met with silence like it physically pains you to say more than one letter to me. Do you know how that feels? I feel so little, like I don’t matter, like I'm unimportant. Yet, you have all the energy in the world to talk to other bitches.”
The dark-haired boy rubs his temples, clearly showing his irritation.
“Oh so that’s what this is about? How many times do I have to tell you she’s just a friend AND my roommate’s sister. Do you even hear how you sound right now? It’s ridiculous.”
“I don’t care if she’s the Princess of Geneva. She gets all of your time and attention, while your actual girlfriend has to damn near beg for you to even text her. Do you see the issue? I shouldn’t feel like an outsider in my own fucking relationship. I shouldn’t have to witness you playing house with other people while I have to pray for a crumb of your time.”
“So I’m not allowed to hang out with the people around me? I have to always cater to you and live my life on your time? When we don’t even live in the same country. Do you expect me to be at your every beck and call? Do you know how exhausting that would be?”
Those cheap band aids start to peel off one by one. The scars you thought you covered so well, start to sting and burn.
Your voice is thick, full of tears and pain. You know you shouldn’t but you want him to experience even a fraction of what he’s put you through.
“Is that why you don’t try anymore? Is a little distance too hard for fragile Iwaizumi Hajime? The same Iwaizumi who begged me not to break this off? The same one who promised me he would try to make this work.”
You continue patronizing him, fake pity exuding from every word.
“Oh, you poor thing. It must be so hard for you to actually care for your girlfriend. It’s almost like I’m not the one putting in all the effort anyways, like I’m not the one doing all the work. While you get to run away and escape from everything. But I shouldn't be surprised, that is your special talent after all. Running away from every single feeling because they make you feel weak, make you feel less than. Is that why you ran from Japan to California because you aren’t good enough for anything here, right?”
You know that was a sore spot for him, but you didn’t care. You were tired of being an afterthought, tired of being the one flavor of candy no one picks.
“You didn’t have to say that. You’re unbelievable, you know that?” Iwaizumi is trying his best to keep his voice stable but those words leaving your mouth were enough to cause a lump to form in his throat.
“Well believe it and go to hell while you’re at it.”
You end the call right away, denying him the chance of rebuttal. You sniffle, wiping furiously at your eyes before burying your face into your pillow, wetting it with your tears.
Click.
A sound that Iwaizumi never thought twice about, but now it starts to haunt him. With every passing second all he can hear is your words, the pain behind them, and that godforsaken click. It echoes in his brain the same way the tick of the clock echoes in yours.
The dark-haired boy reaches for his water, downing it all in one go. He was trying to get rid of the lump that has found home in his throat, but no matter how many times he swallows it never seems to leave. It sits there, heavy and hurting like the words exchanged between the two of you.
If anyone else had listened to that call, Hajime is sure they would never believe him when he tells them, he never meant for it to go that way. He never meant to speak to you like that or make you feel like that, like you didn’t matter to him.
Because that couldn’t be further from the truth. You mean the entire world to him. Even the world was too small a scale.
Iwaizumi wants to take the stars from the sky and dump them in your hands, because in his eyes the sky had stolen them from you. And to him that was a crime worthy of the worst punishment. Why would someone steal from you? Why would the sky take away the stars from their rightful owner?
And it shouldn’t be an excuse but the fact you meant that much to him, maybe that’s what caused the change in his behavior. He couldn’t quite grasp the true weight of his own emotions and with that came overthinking - overthinking that led to insecurity.
The kind that takes bits of one’s psyche and crumbles it into ash.
Hajime can’t pinpoint when he started feeling that way but he remembers how it consumed him whole. How it was all he ever thought about, how it crept into his mind as he slept - infecting his dreams.
His mind would race with thoughts of you, of your relationship. He thought about what you were doing, what you were eating, and how you felt about him even though he was physically absent. Those thoughts turned into questions, terrifying ones.
Why does missing you feel like blades to the chest?
Why do you make him feel so good? And why does he always second guess it?
What if you saw him the way he saw himself?
What happens when you realize that your love was better given elsewhere?
Then followed the doubt, which clouded his mind and he began to think that you would find someone better than him, someone who actually deserves to be loved by a heart as big and as precious as yours.
And Hajime knows he struggles with vulnerability, with the ability to allow people see him past the image he projects and yet with you that all he ever wants to do, be vulnerable. He wants you to press your ear to his chest and listen to the erratic beating of a heart that belongs to you. Iwa feels safe in your presence even with the 5,471 miles between the two of you. Safe enough to drop whatever guard he has built up over the years and that alone terrified him.
So he doesn’t tell you about all the things that swim in his brain. Due to the terror but also despite all that, he still always wants to be your big strong boyfriend, the one you can depend one. But how could he do that when he was falling apart on the inside? What if you start to see him as weak, the same way he did every time he looked in that foggy mirror after every shower.
He decided weeks ago that he would fix it on his own, that way he could come back to you stronger, healthier, and more sound of mind. A person that understands his emotions and knows how to deal with them. So he starts hanging out with his friends more, asking them for advice, and surrounding himself with people that could help him. And if Iwa had told you that’s what he was doing, you would’ve encouraged him wholeheartedly. He knows you would but for some reason he didn’t and his plan didn’t include neglecting you, but he still did. Whether it be intentional or accidental, he still did.
And now this was something new he had to fix. Hajime has to fix it soon because the heartbreak that leaked from your words wounded him in a way he couldn’t describe, but if he were to lose you? No language in the world can detail the pain that would come from his heart being torn apart piece by piece.
The boy can only pray that there is a way to resolve everything. Because this has given one very sneaky god the opportunity to weed his way into your minds and plant a seed into the loving soil of your relationship. The sprout had started to grow when your hearts ached for each other and now it may bloom into something ugly and twisted. All you can do now is wonder if your love will survive the poisonous flower.
“That’s what happened. And I woke up this morning to zero texts or calls from him, it’s like he doesn’t even care to fucking apologize.”
“Did you call or text him?” Kunimi soon realizes that was the wrong question to ask after he hears your very heavy sigh.
“Why are you asking me stupid questions? ……Why would I do anything when I’m always doing it? That’s the whole reason we argued, Ki. Why do I have to spend my Christmas Eve chasing after him? Hmmm?” You shift on the couch and angle the phone so he could properly see the expression you wore.
“I was just saying. Maybe he’s waiting for you to reach out to him because he wants to make sure you are ready to talk.” Your best friend explains. And honestly? You wish he would stop talking. It’s always excuses-excuses with men.
“You’re no help at all, like none. I hope you know that.” You inform him, growing sick of this conversation.
“I’m trying! You know this isn’t really my thing.” He mutters out and you can tell it's apologetic.
“Thanks for trying or whatever.”
There’s a few beats of silence that settle over the call and you use it to collect your thoughts, or at least attempt to.
“You okay?” Kunimi asks quite sincerely.
“Not really.” You answer back just as sincerely.
“Can I come over?”
“No. Go spend your Christmas Eve with your girlfriend. One of us has to have a good day at least.”
“You can come with us, she won’t mind. It’s sad being all alone like that.”
“Thank you for reminding me, Ki. And I’m not third wheeling my best friend and my cousin. I’m not a baby, I’ll be fine by myself for one day.”
“You sure?” The brown-haired boy questions, worry weighing down his features.
“Yes, father. Tell Amina I said hi and that she owes me $15.” You crack a small smile, hoping it convinces him.
“It’s Christmas Eve.”
“And I’m not in the spirit, so goodbye.” You wave him off, quickly ending the call after you hear his farewell.
You lied.
You are a little bit of a baby. You felt lonely and hurt, and it’s not shameful to admit that at this very moment you want to crawl into someone’s arms and bawl your eyes out. But that wasn’t an option, so instead you stare up at the ceiling once again and let the tears fall without someone there to catch them.
Another 20 minutes of crying pass before a text lights up your phone and a small chuckle falls from our lips. There’s a long text from your cousin cursing your boyfriend out with such creativity, you can only wonder how she comes up with such insults.
As you exit the text conversation, your finger hover over Hajime’s contact and Kunimi’s words start to replay in your head. If he was really waiting for you to contact him first then that means he didn’t actually listen to you, that he still hasn’t learned anything, and that would take the both of you right back to square one.
Iwaizumi has to be the one to extend the olive branch first, he has to prove that he wants this relationship to work as much as you do. Or this might be the end.
Through all the tears and emotional turmoil, you suddenly remember the food you ordered earlier. You check the time, it's been almost an hour since you ordered and you see a message about a delay due to the sudden snow. Absolutely nothing is going right for you today and you wish the holidays would just pass by quickly because it’s only adding on to your sadness.
You flip over on the couch, burying your face into the cushions in hopes that sleep would overtake you and you could forgot about the present world for a couple hours. Your eyes have only been shut for 5 minutes before your doorbell rings and you ignore it at first, not wanting to hear your neighborhood’s choir rendition of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”. But then it rings again and this time you pull yourself off the couch, expecting the delivery man to be holding your bag of long awaited food.
Opening the door with one hand and grabbing a couple bills for a tip with the other, you start thanking the person and apologizing for making them brave the freezing temperatures. However, your words don’t even touch the chilly air because there was no delivery man and definitely no food.
No, there was only your boyfriend standing at your doorstep with his suitcases and a very guilty smile.
And you?
You slam the door close out of shock or out of anger, you’re still deciding which one. You look out the peephole and watch your boyfriend fidget nervously. His nose is pink and he blows into his hand to keep them warm. A part of you wants to leave him out here and let the cold be his punishment. Maybe then he could finally understand how he made you feel.
But for some other reason, you’re opening the door and letting him into your warm apartment. You don’t even greet him, you lock the door behind him and walk towards the kitchen. And for once Iwaizumi recognizes your cues and doesn’t follow after you.
You return about 6 minutes later with two mugs in your hand, a hot chocolate for yourself and a tea for the man roaming about your living room.
“Thank you.” He flashes you a grateful look and sips the tea, letting it heat up his body.
You place your cup down and cross your arms over your chest. Your face is emotionless and your eyes tell him absolutely nothing.
“What are you doing here?”
Hajime flinches at your stern tone. You weren’t happy for obvious reasons and he can’t blame you.
“Surprise?” Iwa mumbles out, the tips of his ears shifting from pink to red out of embarrassment.
You threw him an unimpressed look, the answer was obvious. He was here to apologize but if he thought that showing up to your house uninvited was the miraculous cure, Hajime had a long way to go to earn your forgiveness.
“Don’t play with me right now. You never mentioned coming back to Japan for Christmas.”
The dark-haired boy shifts his weight from one foot to another. The intensity of your stare as you wait for his response causes the guilt to burn through every nerve, singeing off the ends and leaving him in a fit of fiery emotional pain. Hajime doesn’t know how to start. Should he start with an explanation, or an apology, or a plea for forgiveness?
You let out a frustrated sigh. Of course, you are met with silence.
“We aren’t doing this again. So you can leave, I’m sure your parents would be much happier to see you.”
“No!” It’s a loud objection, maybe even a little too loud. Iwaizumi clears his throat, trying to correct himself. “I mean, I need to stay. I have something to say.”
You tilt your head to the side in slight interest. Iwaizumi rarely raises his voice in your presence and for him to do it now means that he was serious. And that’s exactly what you want him to be. You want him to take part in the relationship, to do the only thing you’ve ever asked.
You want him to love you in the way you know he can.
“Say what you want to say and then I’ll decide if you can stay.” You declare.
Hajime finally meets your gaze, this is his only chance to fix the mess he created all over your heart.
“I thought of a million things I could say to you, you know better than anyone I’m not good with words so I practiced my apology but it didn’t feel right. So what I want to say first is, I’m sorry. Extremely sorry for everything I did and I don’t only mean the phone call because this goes beyond that. I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t the first and last thought on my mind, for not treating you the way you deserve. I love you more than I can verbally express and the thought of losing you was-is destroying me inside. And honestly I could stand here and list all the reasons why everything went wrong but I know how much you hate excuses and beating around the bush. But, there is something I want to tell you about my behavior, about why I acted the way I did.”
Iwa pauses, feeling nervous. Expressing himself in such detail causes panic to settle in, his insecurities start to bubbling up to the surface. Yet, he continues on, he doesn’t need his worries to cause another disaster or deprive you of the apology you deserve.
“I’ve always wanted to be the type of boyfriend that you can depend on, that is strong enough to lift every obstacle in your way. Especially when you look at me like I can solve every problem even if it’s beyond my abilities, it's just such a sweet look and it makes my heart stop every single time. And one day I started to doubt why you look at me like that when I can’t even breathe without questioning myself. Why do I deserve to be loved by someone with such a pretty heart? And even if I felt all that, I didn’t want you to ever stop looking at me so sweetly. So, I tried so hard to be better for you, for me, for us, that I failed to see what I was doing to you until it was too late.”
Your gaze starts to soften as you look at him. Hajime didn’t have to be strong all the time for your sake, you love all parts of him. That love is what opened the door for him and let him in. That same love is what listening to him right now and wants to hear everything he has to say.
Your boyfriend starts rubbing the back of his neck. A very common habit of his.
He’s apologizing, you think to yourself.
As he continues his speech, the pain from the soul scars start to disappear. They no longer sting or burn. They start to heal and you wonder if the cure is someone else's treatment.
“And instead of listening to you, I insulted you. I can’t even repeat what I said because I don’t want you to ever hear those words from me again and I wish I never said them. I wish I could change the past but I can't. All I can do now is take responsibility and work for your forgiveness. So please let me. Let me be a better boyfriend, I wanna make up for everything I did. I want to show you that I love you more than anything. I want to show you that I’m sorry and I’ll apologize to you every day if that’s what it takes. If you asked me to get on my knees I would, If you told me to steal the sun I would. And I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.”
Silence follows the heartfelt apology and as you take it all in, the words start to slip out of your mouth.
“You can stay.” You tell him.
Iwaizumi walks towards you, stopping once he’s close enough for you to hear his heartbeat. His arms around you in the next second, pulling you in for a hug. There’s slight hesitation in his grip like he’s afraid you’ll leave. But when your own arms circle around his waist and clutch onto the back of his shirt, he realizes you weren’t going anywhere.
“You don’t have to be strong all the time, Zumi. I love you because you’re you and that means I love every single version of you.” You mumble into his chest.
“I know. I was scared and sometimes I still am. Next time, I’ll talk to you about it.” He responds, hugging you tighter. “There are three more things I wanna tell you.”
You loosen your grip and lean your head back to look at him. Iwaizumi can practically see the question marks in your eyes and he has to resist the urge to kiss away the cute confusion.
“I didn’t only come here to apologize. I already planned to surprise you for Christmas. Also, the girl you kept seeing me with was helping me. We get free counseling at UC but it’s hard explaining myself in English. So, since she’s a psychology student that also speaks Japanese, she was helping translate.” Hajime admits, an apologetic smile on his lips.
You shut your eyes in guilt as you respond. You weren’t exactly saying the nicest things about the two of them when you were upset.
“You had me cussing you and that girl out in my mind every day. Oh my god, now I feel horrible. Why didn’t you just tell me, Haji?!”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry” He apologizes once again. “And last thing.”
Iwa pulls out of the hug, opting to hold on to your left hand instead. He lifts your arm up, twirling you around.
“What are you doing?” You say between quiet giggles.
His voice when he speaks this time is soft and sweet, everything you want it to be.
“Admiring my very pretty girlfriend and her hair that I’m obsessed with. You look so good, baby.”
Hajime keeps twirling you around, showering you with all types of compliments until you’re dizzy from his words and the constant movement. At the same time, he uses his free hand to pull something out of his pocket before pulling you in close.
“I can’t even see straight right now. Everything is still spinning.” You tighten your grip on his hand to stabilize yourself. Even in the blurry haze, your eyes still land on your boyfriend’s flushed face. He lets go of your hand and covers your eyes with his palm.
“Well, now I can’t see at all.” You point out.
“I’m gonna take my hand off now but you have to keep your eyes closed.” Iwa instructs, slowly removing his hand.
“Okay… Wait. Is this a part of the apology? Are you trying to buy my forgiveness?”
“Just keep your eyes closed.” It’s a soft demand and you nod your head in understanding. You’ll entertain him for the time being.
And due to your lack of vision, your hearing is now heightened and you hear every little nervous exhale Iwaizumi lets out. You’re about to ask him what’s wrong when cold metal brushes across your hand and onto your finger.
“You can open them now.”
Your eyes snap open and immediately you direct your line of sight downward. Your previously bare digit is now housing a new gold ring.
A very expensive gold Cartier ring. One with a pink diamond sitting in the middle.
You gasp in awe, eyes glued to the glittering jewelry. The gift giver scans your face, trying to gauge your reaction. He’s been planning this for the last 7 months and even if it didn’t go exactly to plan, he wants to at least please you.
“It’s a promise ring.” Iwaizumi uses his left hand to hold yours and that’s when you see it. On his ring finger sits the matching band. Tears begin to collect in your bottom lashes and his hands move up to your face, cradling your cheeks.
“Don’t cry, babe. I cost you enough tears, okay?” His thumbs swipe away the tears as they fall and you nod a frantic yes to let him know you’re listening. “It’s a promise that I will love you the way you deserve to be loved and prove I can be better until I can replace that ring and make you a new promise.”
“I’m trying not to cry but this is the sweetest and most expensive thing anyone has ever done for me. How did you afford this?” Even as you speak, tears still slide down your face and he still wipes away every single one.
“Don’t worry about that.” He dismisses your question. The cost was covered by extra shifts and side jobs. And a refund check. “Do you like it?” Hajime redirects the conversation, he knows you won’t stop asking unless you’re distracted by a new topic.
“I love it, I love it so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
Your boyfriend reaches into his pocket for something else as you continue admiring your beautiful ring.
“You know I’ve always wanted to be a Cartier girl.” You tell him.
“I know, and haven’t you always wanted to do this too?” He uses the hand still on your face to tilt it upwards.
Mistletoe.
Iwaizumi is dangling a Mistletoe plant over the two of you.
A grin brighter than every single Christmas light settles on your face. You wrap your arms around his neck, bringing your face closer to his.
“Merry Christmas Eve.” He whispers.
“You’re really sneaky, you know that?” You whisper back. In response, Hajime only smiles before gently pressing his lips onto yours. He kisses you with such tenderness and care, that you melt into his embrace. He wants you to know you mean everything to him, that you’re his everything.
And now, you know it all. You know how he adores you, how he treasures you. So, you return it with your own message, one that speaks of your budding forgiveness and longing.
All of Iwaizumi’s attention is on the feeling of your soft lips on his, making him drop the mistletoe. When it hits you, you flinch at the sudden sensation.
“Sorry.” The dark-haired boy mumbles into the kiss.
“It’s okay.” You reassure him and your small laugh gets lost in between your lips.
“I love you. I love you so much.” He repeats over and over until you can feel the vibration of his vocal cords all over your body.
“I love you too.”
taglist for all my works are still open so <3 tag me
a/n: hiii, sorry for like ghosting yall… i had so much shit going on (switching majors, health, etc) but since it’s summer imma try posting more consistently and i have a lot fics in the planning stages so look out for those 😋,, hopefully u enjoyed the very overdue 1st installment of the luvrs club
taglist: @theehottiehwa @santoteez @thathoneybee3 @satorose @shotarobabymomma
#haikyuu#haikyuu fanfiction#haikyuu x black reader#iwaizumi x black reader#iwaizumi x you#iwaizumi x y/n#iwaizumi fanfic#iwaizumi hajime#iwaizumi angst#iwaizumi fluff#the luvrs club#saturn’s masterlist#mik0rin’s masterlist#iwaizumi x reader#iwaizumi hajime x reader#iwaizumi x black y/n
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is it better to speak or to die ?
college!jean kirsten x college!black fem reader
genre: angst
warnings: the word die is used quite a lot, major character death (even though not explicitly stated), grief, cursing
word count: 1.3k
a/n: acacia flowers symbolize concealed love, just a little fact you should know ;))
Is it better to speak or to die?
Maybe it’s better to speak.
Talk endlessly until it ends in a fit of giggles. And then keep going because it makes one feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Talk endlessly until it ends in blubbering tears. And then keep going because it hurts in a way that needs words to explain.
And then the realization dawns that words carry quite the weight.
And with that they can kill; they kill the soul, kill confidence, and kill relationships.
But words can also resurrect, something the dead can never do. But do people always want to take that chance?
The brave do.
Or maybe the foolish do.
They string together eloquent sentences or stutter through their consonants. They speak because the words scratch them up inside, tearing at their hearts and minds until the pain becomes unbearable and the words must spill out.
Is it better to speak or to die?
Maybe it’s better to die.
Is it a requirement for every thought to be vocalized? What’s wrong with quiet? With silence?
There’s beauty in unspoken agreement and chats based on facial expressions.
So die with unspoken words- without ever knowing the reaction of the ears it lands on.
Avoid rejection and heartbreak. Creeping around arguments and pent-up anger. Narrowly missing trauma and anguish.
Take your words to the grave the same way promises are taken to the coffin, and for every nail that keeps the wood in place: a person that doesn’t have to hear your wretched voice.
Maybe it’s better to speak.
Speak with love and adoration. Joy and wonder.
For every letter to pass through your lips at least thrice. And for syllables to start sounding rhythmic.
To never die with words unspoken.
Maybe it’s better to die.
Die after life has had its fill with you. Die because you’ve had your fill with life.
Die with words stuck behind your lips, saving your breath.
For less than kind words to never bathe in sunlight.
Or for the moonlight to be savored in silence.
Is it better to speak or to die?
Maybe it’s better to speak and then die.
Because one cannot die and then speak.
And even if it was possible, it would only be ghostly paragraphs and mourning speeches.
Because the living and the dead can never truly have a conversation.
“What do you think? I have to turn it in tomorrow.”
The repeating click of a pen follows the question. A sign of anxiety or maybe impatience.
“I forgot a comma somewhere….” The voice trails off and flips the pages, looking for a mistake to correct.
The spring wind blows and it carries the sweet smell of budding flowers and yesterday’s rain. It sweeps up the assignment, scattering it about the ground. And the boy begins to quickly pick it up, hoping the lingering rainwater doesn’t cause the ink to bleed. But a small fumble of the finger results in a paper cut and blood stains the sheets instead.
“Ha.”
It comes out in a short puff of air.
Then another ha accompanies it. And another and another until they all just turn into laughter.
Then laughter into devastating tears.
“I must look fucking insane, bleeding and reading my homework to you. You can’t comment on anything, you can't even look me in the eyes anymore.”
His hands grip the grass, tearing a few blades out of the ground. He sprinkles them back on the ground and grabs a tissue from his backpack, using it to wipe away his tears and to clean the blood from his small wound. His back hits the wet grass and it soaks his thin t-shirt but he doesn’t care, the uncomfortable feeling of wet clothing could be ignored.
“Would you believe me if I said this was a love letter?” Jean whispers even though no one is listening.
It wasn’t a lie, it truly was a love letter even if I didn’t sound like one. And it wasn’t supposed to be written like that either, the words were once arranged in different order and the stanzas weren’t twinged with such helplessness.
The brown-eyed boy remembers when the paper was covered in a hundred different ways to detail her beauty, when he compared her to the cosmos and her voice to the calming sound of the tides. But that’s all he can remember, he can only remember the words he wanted to say.
His mind is full of conversations they could’ve had and the paths he could’ve taken.
Jean’s emotions, maybe the second most important part of this entire ordeal, only grow as the days go on. And he realizes humans are liars by design, not only out of ill-intent. He knows they were trying to make him feel better but all these emotions, the ones everyone said would subside with time, haven’t and he’s starting to doubt they ever will.
The only thing that’s become faint are the memories. They have started to fade and it’s absolutely terrifying.
What happens when he forgets the sound of her laugh? Her face of sheer determination and utter concentration. What about that quiet exasperated sigh that always left her glossy lips when she would explain something to him for the fifth time? (Even though he got it the first time but adores her pronunciation). When he can no longer recognize the scent of her perfume? When he forgets the way she slightly trips over her untied shoelaces, or how she saved him a seat every Wednesday because he was always fifteen minutes late.
And how horrifying it will be when he forgets how absolutely wonderful and heartbreaking it was to only be her friend.
“I was supposed to confess to you, you know.” A sad smile bends his lips, and the tears roll down his face once again but not as fast as before.
“I had a whole plan and it was pretty brilliant, it had all these flowers and pretty lights and a love poem. You would’ve loved it- if you liked me back and I guess that’s the worst part of it all. I’ll never know if you would’ve accepted my feelings or rejected me. I’ll never get a chance to find out.”
His voice cracks with grief as he continues speaking, “I really loved- love, I really love you and it isn’t fair. What good is it that only I know the love I have for you? You should know, you deserve to know, it’s something that should be shared between the two of us.”
A single droplet of rain falls onto Jean’s cheeks and he confuses it with his tears until more follow. It starts as a light drizzle but within seconds it begins to pour and it drenches him. But he doesn’t move, he lets the rain wash over him and cover every inch of his body.
And he cries.
He cries tears of sorrow, of regret, of desperation, and arguably the most important and painful: tears of love.
He cries out her name and pleas for his lover to be returned back to him.
And the last thing he cries for is an opportunity, an opportunity to tell her how much of his heart she owns.
The downpour starts to slow and the long-haired boy thinks it’s a sign telling him to leave.
So Jean sits up, his clothes heavier and his heart even moreso. His papers were now reduced to mush on the ground and he couldn’t even read the title. He collects his rain-damaged belongings and stands up, mustering up the energy to leave. And as his parting message to his beloved, he places a single pink acacia atop the disintegrating papers and whispers out a very shaky,
“I like you. I will always like you.”
a/n: hiii, i’ve returned (with something extra sad lmao) but i had to write after hearing a quote on tiktok,,, hopefully i didn’t break y’all’s hearts too much and if i did…. sorry <333,,, something happy will be posted next, promise !!
#jean kirstein#jean kirschtein scenarios#jean kirschtein x reader#jean kirschtein angst#attack on titan#jean kirschtien#jean kirschtein x you#jean kirschtein fanfiction#aot#jean aot#jean x black reader#jean kirstein x black reader#jean kirstein x reader#jean kirstein x you#aot fanfiction#attack on titan fanfiction#jean kirstein fanfiction#saturn’s masterlist#mik0rin’s masterlist
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attack on titan
( * = has smut )
↬ eren jaeger
a thorn, a crown, and a sword
↬ jean kirstein
is it better to speak or to die?
↬ armin arlert
lovers' choice
others coming soon....
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2day, 2morrow, 4ever : strawberry shortcake & long talks (kinda)
gojo satoru x black fem reader
genre: college au, angst, second-chance romance, exes to lovers, growth
warnings: cussing
word count: 2,092
playlist: spotify apple music
<- prev m.list next ->
partner story (pls read): 224: the archives
sign up for the taglist -> here !!
Awkward.
Tense.
Unpleasant.
And whatever other negative word you could come up with to describe the situation you’re in at the moment.
You could’ve gotten up and left, barely sparing him a second glance. But, here you are, a cold tea bag in an empty mug and pushing around the remaining pieces of cake you couldn’t even properly taste, with your fork.
You really don’t know what you’re doing.
Or what you’re hoping for.
Neither of you have spoken since sitting at the small round table, and you pretend not to notice the way Gojo’s eyes follow your every movement as if he’s trying to find a hidden message in them. But, he knows you- knows you too well. The only message present in the way you keep your gaze fixed on the ceramic plate or how the corners of your lips tilt downward is the fact that seeing him is probably the last thing you ever wanted.
Satoru fidgets with the glasses he had abandoned the second you sat down. There’s so much his heart wants to convey and so little his voice can actually say. However, the two of you can’t sit in silence forever and he’s a little selfish, because this might be his last chance to ever hear your voice.
He clears his throat and your eyes snap up to look at him, and the simple act of your pretty brown eyes looking into his blue ones is breaking down the flimsy walls he has up. His eyes turn glassy and his words come out shaky, like he’s choking back tears.
“How have you been?”
That simple question and the unshed tears in his eyes, cause yours to shine with their own. His voice is weak like the last time you heard it and you wonder if yours will be too.
“Good.”
Satoru’s head drops and he presses the back of his hand to his face to wipe away the tears that fall. He laughs at himself as he lifts his head to look at you once again.
“Why does it hurt to hear you say that?” He avoids your eyes and mumbles to himself, “I’m fucking ridiculous.”
You don’t say anything, but you understand. If you were to ask how he’s been and he responded “Good,” it would break your heart too.
Because there’s a silent “without you” present. That since splitting, you’ve been better off without the other person; that they weren’t needed in your heart the same way they need you in theirs.
Not that that’s true for you, but you don’t tell him that.
You set the fork down and slowly rise out of the chair. Gojo watches with red-rimmed eyes as you gently place your bag on your shoulder and straighten out your skirt, and your heart whispers to your brain to kiss away his tears. It’s urging you to do things you shouldn’t, that you can’t, and you need it to stop.
You need to escape.
Escape the suffocating atmosphere of the cafe, escape his charged gaze, and escape the feelings that never really left in the first place.
“Thanks for the cake.” You whisper before making your way towards the door. And you hear your name fall from his lips once again, so softly, so sweetly, and so sad.
You leave it behind, you leave him behind.
The chilly night breeze nips at your cheeks as you start the walk home, and your body feels heavy like your bones are made of steel and your blood is made of lead. You’re forcing yourself to move forward, you feel mechanical and you might be one screw loose from falling apart.
One foot in front of the other, you tell yourself.
Left, then right, then left again.
There’s a lump in your throat.
Right, then left, then right again
You sniffle, vision turning watery.
Left, then right, then le-
The tears spill like a sink that overflows in a child’s bathroom, and you let them. You don’t turn off the faucet and you don’t grab any towels to mop up the floor. You continue forward, heart weeping and mind repeating; left, then right, then left again.
Gojo loads weight plates onto the bar, before sliding under it and adjusting his form. He grips the bar, lifting it and then lowering it to his chest. He’s halfway through his set when images of three nights ago flood his mind; the very thing he’s trying to exercise away.
He racks the barbell, not wanting to injure himself due to a wandering mind. Satoru sits up, letting out a soft sigh of what could only be torment. This was supposed to be his escape, a productive outlet for all his negative emotions instead of wasting away in the darkness of his apartment; like he did for the first two weeks after you broke up.
He thought he was doing okay, and that he was slowly coming to terms with the situation.
Then he saw you and everything came crashing down. At that moment, Satoru wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around you and tell you how much he missed you. He wanted to smother your face in kisses until you were giggling and pushing his face away playfully. He wanted to feel your hand on his cheek as you said, “I love you.”
And subconsciously, Satoru finally admitted that he would never move on from you; that you would be his last and greatest love.
His imagination, however, was far from the harsh reality he was stuck in. Instead, you looked at him with wide eyes full of pain and then you wouldn’t look at him at all. You ate your favorite cake in silence, and Satoru could only stare at you, drinking you in.
And god, you’re so beautiful even when you want nothing to do with him.
The white-haired man packs up his things and walks up to his best friend, patting him on the back.
“I’m leaving.”
Suguru raises an eyebrow and pushes back one ear of his headphones, “It’s only been 20 minutes.”
Gojo shrugs, trying to play off his inner emotional turmoil. “I’m not feeling it today.”
He doesn’t believe that but Getou can’t exactly put Satoru on the spot. It wasn’t hard to deduce what happened when Satoru returned home that night with puffy eyes and locked himself in his room. It was even easier when he received a text from Shoko thirty minutes later that you had done exactly the same.
There’s a delicate balance when it comes to his best friend’s emotions and when it comes to you. So, he leaves it alone and for that Gojo is thankful.
The two boys exchange goodbyes and then Gojo is making his way home. He kicks around the snow that lingers on the sidewalk and watches the way his breath leaves his lungs in small clouds.
Winter wasn’t exactly his favorite season. He grew tired of the constant comparisons to his hair and how the cold was so evident in the red on his pale skin. He disliked how he always craved the warmth of another and how no blanket or jacket could mimic it.
He hated how the frost would seep into the cracks of his heart, how it would bury itself in the parts of him he didn’t like very much. How it served as a frozen reminder of everything that was wrong with him.
And right now?
Everything that was wrong with him, every crack in his heart, all of that missing warmth?
You.
Only ever you.
Satoru feels the familiar sensation burn his eyes and he tries to blink it away. It works, a little bit, but he knows it’s not a permanent solution. He’s only five minutes from home but sitting in his room doesn’t sound particularly uplifting. He pulls out his phone, searching for a place that could serve as a distraction.
There’s a bookstore in the opposite direction and he turns around, walking towards it. Maybe he can sit in some corner and read some random book he pulls off the shelf, or he can get a head start on the new school year. April is only a month and a half away, and he didn’t exactly do well last semester.
When Gojo opens the door the warm air envelopes him and he sighs, the feeling slowly returning in his numb fingers. He begins to wander around, breathing in the addicting scent of books. Satoru wasn’t one to read book after book but there were times when he would get wrapped up in one and he hopes right now is one of those times.
It’s not busy except for a few dedicated bookworms who scatter the store. He prefers it this way, less people means less attention.
Satoru turns a corner, trying to find a place to sit when something in the corner of his eye catches his attention. He’s sure he’s going crazy, overwhelmed with heartbreak and his mind is playing into his delusions.
But, that pink puffer coat is a little too familiar.
He knows that he shouldn’t go up to you, that whatever you previously had has been dissolved but he really wants to hold your hand again, he wants to watch you get ready, and he wants his phone to ring and hear your excited voice from the other side.
There are so many little things that he misses.
Gojo realizes his staring has become a bit too intense because you’re turning toward him with a confused expression. And then he realizes that you’re not you.
The tips of his ears flame with embarrassment and he quickly apologizes to the girl who isn’t you. He walks away, cursing himself for being blinded by the color of the coat and filling in blanks that weren’t actually there. He ends up a few aisles over, eyes locking with a certain short-haired brunette friend.
And there you were in that familiar pink puffer coat, a few books nestled in the bend of your elbow. You’re asking Shoko something and she doesn’t answer, her attention diverted elsewhere. You glance at her, her eyes focused on something behind you.
You start to turn, “What are you looki-”
The rest of the words die in your throat; why is it always him?
Your body is burning with the desire to run away but you can’t help but look at him. The tip of his nose is pink and you know his fingers are too, and you want to wrap your hands around them to share some of your warmth. He’s in workout attire and even though you noticed it last time, your brain finally processes the fact that he’s buffed up since you last saw him.
And god, does he look good.
You feel a gentle pull on your wrist and you turn back towards your best friend. Shoko looks at you with worry written all over her features, and you give her a small shrug like this interaction isn’t bothering you.
“Are you here to buy a book?” You say without looking at him.
Satoru is taken aback at how mundane the question is but it’s not like you’re trying to talk to him, you’re only trying to make it less awkward for everyone involved. Shoko has been skillfully avoiding him since you left to study abroad and you specifically told her not to. They’ve been friends since high school and you didn’t want to ruin the bond they have.
So if it looks like you can be cordial with him, maybe she’ll ease up on him.
Gojo rubs the back of his neck, eyes still on you as he answers, “Didn’t feel like going back home right after the gym.”
You nod, eyes still trained on the shelf. “Oh. Well, the stuff you like is on the opposite side of the store.”
You remember the type of books he likes?
“Shoko, are you ready to go?” You smile at her, but your eyes are telling a different tale.
“You dragged me here, of course I’m ready to go.”
You roll your eyes at her, walking to the cash register and hooking your free arm with hers. “You need a hobby other than smoking, babe”
Gojo watches as you walk away and Shoko looks at him over her shoulder telling him she will see him (and Suguru) later.
You can’t do the same; every time you look at him, all you see is everything you could’ve been and everything you won’t be.
a/n: hope you guys enjoyed this chapter !!! im still working on the first part of the partner story so you'll see it soon !! make sure to eat something extra tasty today <333 (also sign up for the taglist !!)
#gojo satoru#gojo x reader#jjk gojo#gojo fanfic#gojou satoru x reader#gojo x black reader#gojou satoru x black reader#jujutsu kaisen x black reader#jjk x black reader#jujustsu kaisen x reader#gojo satoru x black reader#gojo satoru angst#jjk fanfic#jujutsu kaisen fanfic#mik0rin’s masterlist#saturn’s masterlist#jjk x reader
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crescendo ♪ track 04
“you can’t stand in front of a mirror, hands clasped together and ask for love. mirrors only show you one thing: your reflection. what you see is nothing but the surface and what you choose to reveal. so be careful the next time you utter “mirror mirror on the wall” because the wrong question might crack the glass and your heart along with it.”
timeskip!oikawa x heiress!black fem reader genre: angst, wealthy life, fake dating au warnings: cursing, the word “kill” was used once, insecurity, argument, infidelity accusations, mentions of anxiety word count: 4,227
playlist: spotify apple music
« prev track m.list next track »
now playing:
p.s// put me on repeat plss
The sky starts to melt into vibrant hues of purple, pink, and orange. The golden light settles over your skin like glitter and the man beside you admires the way you look completely at peace. His hand finds yours, intertwining your fingers and pulling your attention away from the view. There’s a nervous smile on his face and his hand trembles slightly in yours. You can tell there’s a question dying to fall from his lips so you squeeze his hand in reassurance, hoping that will help whatever nerves are eating away at him.
Oikawa takes a deep breath before he speaks, praying that your response is the one he desperately wanted to hear.
“Can I be your boyfriend?”
You beam at him, feeling every part of your heart sing like a small symphony. There’s something so sweet about seeing a man who usually carries himself with such confidence, be so timid when it comes to you. Like the only thing that could break through the iron wall around his heart was you.
“Yes, I would love that.”
The sky trades its colorful painting for twinkling stars and the two of you trade pieces of your heart as you kiss. It’s the type of kiss that you can feel in every part of your body, setting off your synapses, and you can feel the electricity between them.
Oikawa would be lying if he said he couldn’t feel the shock that shot through his body and rewired his brain to only think of you. Now there was no need for him to wish to be yours because you had provided the answer he so desperately sought.
When you pull away for air Oikawa brings your hand up to his lips, pressing a small kiss to the soft skin. You let out a small laugh, appreciating the effort he put in to fulfill all your romantic desires. You lean into his side now stargazing instead, as the boat pulls into shore.
A beautiful start to a beautiful love story.
Or at least that's how you tell everyone it happened.
In all honesty, there were no butterflies fluttering about one’s stomach and there was not any kiss that felt almost electric. Oikawa never wished to be yours and your heart definitely did not sing for him in any capacity. The start of the relationship was no different than a business deal struck between two CEOs. If anyone were to hear the actual origin story, they would wonder exactly how the two of you became so hopeless.
It was another cocktail party, another opportunity for you to waste your precious time. A night full of fake smiles and empty promises to meet for brunch at a later date. You were there to “establish connections” as your parents put it but you saw through the flimsy excuse.
They always made you do things they didn’t feel like doing themselves.
And as always your discomfort didn’t matter or rather they neglected to notice.
So there you stood, sipping on some ridiculously expensive champagne and engaging in pointless small talk with some of the other guests. When they grew bored of the conversation, you took the chance to slip away from the party. You couldn’t get quite far, there were only so many places one could be alone on a crowded yacht. But, you find a quiet place in the furthest corner of the deck and stare out into the sky.
maybe i shouldn’t try to be perfect
Oikawa is sure his publicist is lying or worse, took him for a fool. How was a sponsorship party supposed to fix his image? He wanted to avoid parties, gatherings, any social event of any kind. Any place where the main topic of the night would be him because once his name touched people’s tongues it led to baseless lies and rumors.
But he swallowed his objections and attended regardless, if it salvaged his reputation then so be it.
i confess i’m obsessed with the surface
The sun dips lower in the sky and the setter can feel his energy drop with it. The atmosphere had become suffocating, he was growing tired of the never-ending conversations and having to politely decline romantic advances. The people he was supposed to appease would only go and talk behind his back anyway, so why bother? He would much rather prove himself on the court where no one could doubt his skill or talent. Where his love life didn’t matter, only how he would lead the team to victory.
Unfortunately, the world of the affluent didn’t work that way, skill and talent only got you so far because reputation got you farther. They didn’t care how long Oikawa trained or how much his muscles ached, they only cared about his image and what label they could slap on it. And without his permission, they had branded him with something he was working so hard to get rid of.
in the end if i fall or if i get it all, i just hope that it’s worth it
He doesn’t even remember when it all started but he remembers the whispers. How the words “heartbreaker'' and “womanizer” followed him in the media, in interviews, in public. How it started to affect how everyone perceived him when all he came to do was play volleyball. And per usual, he starts hearing his name attached to another girl’s story and he decides it’s time to escape out to the deck.
Heavy footsteps echo behind you and you turn your head, trying to find the source of the sound. There’s a man loosening his tie and downing the rest of his drink, walking towards you. You recognize him, this is the volleyball player you frequently see in the tabloids, there’s always some sort of scandal attached to him. Not that you ever believed them, you knew exactly how this world worked and how they twisted things for their own benefit.
You assume he’s coming over to ask you about your family’s business or potential sponsorships. But when he reaches the railing and leans his entire body on it, letting out a sigh of defeat. You realize he’s just like you.
Tired.
ask me and i’ll tell you how i’ve been
Usually, you would have left not appreciating the fact the small semblance of peace you found was disturbed. Yet, something compels you to stay and something even greater gets you to speak to him.
“Not a huge fan of the party, huh?” You say, your eyes still fixed on the sky.
Oikawa glances at you, confused as to why you spoke to him so kindly. There wasn’t a hint of disgust in your tone, something he was not used to.
“I could ask you the same thing.” He responds, watching the way the corners of your mouth perk up into a small smile.
“How could I not enjoy this absolutely exquisite party especially when they are serving Blanc de Blancs as the star drink?” You exclaim sarcastically.
The man mirrors your tone as he replies.
“I can’t disagree with you there, especially when they are serving Osetra Caviar topped with 24 karat gold.”
There’s a moment of silence before the both of you let out a series of soft laughs. You finally focus your attention on the person beside you and Tooru recognizes you immediately.
mhm don’t get me started
The “Crown Princess” is what they called you, a label that contrasted his own heavily. Anywhere your name appeared praises were sure to follow, the media and the public adored you. You were always polite, always on your best behavior, always put together. In high society, you were the epitome of perfection and Oikawa was slightly envious. He needs to know how you do it, he has to fix his image before everything he built for himself comes crashing down.
An idea starts to circulate in his head, if he wants to repair how everyone views his love life then who better to fix it with than the country’s sweetheart? The brown-haired boy doesn’t waste time and asks you immediately.
“We should date, don’t you think?”
You blink at him slowly before absolutely losing it. You laugh so hard that tears start to fall from your eyes and your stomach starts to hurt. Tooru’s face heats up and when you catch sight of it, you sober up feeling bad because you didn’t realize he was serious.
“I don’t think it was that funny.” He mutters, turning away from you.
“I’m sorry! I thought you were joking but you’re not, I see that now. We’ve never talked before so why the sudden confession?”
“It’s not a confession. It’s a proposition.”
You give him a look of slight confusion and he elaborates further.
“I have to fix my public image and dating you is the best option. Everyone loves you.”
The “you” everyone loves is fake, a mask you put on every day but you don’t tell him that.
“Uh-huh… You’re proposing a fake relationship that benefits you and what exactly do I get out of it?” You question with an eyebrow raised.
Oikawa fell silent, he didn’t think that far ahead. What exactly could you give to the girl who had everything? What did he have to offer besides potential problems?
You watch him think it over, you only asked the question to see what he would come up with. For you, this relationship would keep your parents quiet and away from your love life. You were sick of meeting their business partners’ sons and pretentious bachelors. Who you end up with was the only choice that was truly yours and they were stripping you of it.
This, this was your chance to finally do something that you want, something that doesn’t involve your parents or the rest of society. Oikawa might only want to help himself but he’s not the only one with selfish intentions.
“This is a stupid idea, forget it. There’s nothing in this agreement that could possibly benefit you.”
“I’ll do it. So, deal?” You turn to him, a wider smile now on your face.
Oikawa stares at you, still processing the fact you agreed and you stick your hand out to him.
He grabs your hand, squeezing it firmly and shaking it with a smile reflecting your own.
“Deal.”
Despite being fake lovers, you and Oikawa become great friends. You allowed him to see the not-so-perfect versions of you. In his eyes, you were just you and it made you realize how long you’ve been waiting for someone like this, someone like him.
you’ve got me nervous to speak
But being a perfectionist has always been your downfall and the unused energy had to be diverted elsewhere. Especially when his public image had started to change and people started to overlook you.
At first, you were quite grateful that finally you were out from under the constant microscope and were free to loosen up a bit, but you forgot how cruel this world could be to people they deemed useless. You were no longer the treasure amongst your peers, you were reduced to being half of a pair. Your name was always glued to his and you were no longer your own person. You were always addressed as “Oikawa’s Girlfriend,” no one even bothered with you anymore and you couldn’t deny the feelings that started to swirl in your chest. And you couldn’t lie, being the apple of the public’s eye is all you knew and to have the one thing you were sure of snatched away from you, well it’s no different than heartbreak.
i’ve got an urge to release
With the absence of an outlet, you started to pour all your energy into something else or someone else. You taught Tooru how to shine even if the light was artificial. But, all forms of light tend to cast a nasty shadow and you were caught in the darkness of his. You couldn’t be perfect for everyone else so you had to be for him, you were trying to appease him, and why? You weren’t really dating and you weren’t in love with him or maybe you were and refused to acknowledge it.
you got me turning all around to be who you need me to
All you knew was that you had to prove yourself competent and useful and if it couldn’t be to the world, the only other option was him.
“The party ends at midnight, are you sure you’ll be able to make it?”
You balance the phone between your shoulder and ear, shifting in your vanity chair.
“Don’t worry Kawa, I’ll be there. It’s in our contract that I have to attend all your important events. ”
“Right, the contract.” He mumbles under his breath.
you’ve got me nervous to speak
That wasn’t the reason he was asking. He didn’t need you there for appearances or to boost his credibility, all he wanted was you by his side. For a while, Tooru’s mind has been clouded with thoughts of you and while he didn’t mind the symptoms of whatever emotions he was feeling, nothing compared to seeing you with his own two eyes.
And this relationship might be some grand delusion but deep down in the setter’s heart, he wished it wasn’t. Your presence was something he felt drawn to and the hold you had on him was inescapable and he didn’t mind being trapped if you were the one closing the door.
so i just won’t say anything at all
“Why don’t I come with you to the other event and then we can go to my party together?” The suggestion sounds a bit desperate and Oikawa winces at his own voice.
A quiet chuckle escapes your lips and you shake your head at his question.
“If I didn’t know any better I would think you missed me. I’ll be there, promise.”
You tell him that you need to finish getting ready and the line goes dead before Oikawa can even say anything in response. The only thing to do now was to wait and let the night progress as originally planned.
You watch the clock tick away, the hour hand moving agonizingly slow. When it moves that last centimeter, the time for you to leave finally comes and you get up from your seat. You thank the host for having you and apologize for not being able to stay longer. As you make your way to the exit, you collide with something hard and stumble back almost losing your balance. You feel an arm wrap around your waist keeping you upright.
“I am so sorry! I didn’t even see you coming this way.” You apologize profusely and the person lets go of you before responding.
“No, it’s my fault. I was in a hurry and I almost knocked you over because I wasn’t paying attention. Are you alright?” The voice is deep and you’ve heard it somewhere before but you can’t exactly pinpoint where.
“Yea, I’m fine. Thanks for catching me!” You wave the man a goodbye, as you do there is something resembling a flash that catches your attention. You want to find out what it was but getting to your boyfriend’s party was your main priority. So you abandon the thought, chalking it up to your mind playing tricks on your eyes and maybe that’s a choice you shouldn’t have made.
Tooru glances at the door for the nth time tonight, casually ignoring whoever was trying to converse with him. He barely made it through the first two hours without you and to go the rest of the night? The setter was sure he wouldn’t make it.
The person next to him pulls out their phone and Oikawa feels like he’s saved from the mind numbing conversation. He was right, the conversation about stocks and vacation villas was over only because the topic had shifted to you.
“What did you say?” Oikawa finally gives the guest his full attention.
should i be quiet?
“I thought you and your girlfriend were doing so well! I never knew this was the reason she wasn’t able to attend tonight.”
“She has something prior to this and is going to be a bit late. So what exactly are you talking about?”
They gasp and look at him, pity swimming in their eyes. Oikawa hates that look, he hates everything about this situation because it causes his heart to race in a way that is not pleasant.
“Oh you poor thing. Take a look for yourself.” The phone is handed to him and he’s convinced the universe enjoys tormenting him.
uh, come on, be silent
Once again, it tore away something precious to him and how was he supposed to mend a heartbreak that was the result of superficial intentions? And to rub salt into his wounds, the world uses its impeccable timing to bring you right through the doors. Oikawa hands the phone back to its owner and pretends he never saw anything.
so don’t say nothin’
You step into the ballroom, your heels clicking against the polished marble floors. All eyes are on you and usually it wouldn’t bother you but something’s off. Their gazes are filled with an emotion you didn’t recognize or rather one that you have never received before. You ignore it and make your way to your boyfriend, greeting him with a small kiss to cheek and a million watt smile. Tooru only glances at you barely acknowledging your presence and something heavy starts to grow in the bottom of your heart.
The night is full of whispers and lingering eyes. People avoid making conservation with you and when they do, it’s insults wrapped in pretty packaging. You weren’t used to being treated like this and if this is what Oikawa had to deal with all this time, you understand why he wanted it to stop.
uh, tell me you trust me and
It was crushing, everyone’s negativity weighing on you like an anchor. Anxiety starts washing over you like waves and the constant silent treatment from the man you were supposed to be “dating” wasn’t helping either. You couldn’t shake the feeling that he was mad at you. Especially with the way he refused to defend you when the guests crossed the line or how he had barely said two words to you the entire night.
The waves of anxiety you felt start to morph into strong currents pulling you under and you can feel the water fill your lungs, burning you from the inside out. You cling to Tooru like a lifeline, squeezing his forearm with shaky hands. But before you can even lift your head above the water, he shrugs you off. The one moment you need him to hold you in his arms and tell you everything will be okay, he doesn’t deliver.
kiss me and hug me, yeah
What did you expect? The two of you were living a very beautiful lie and this was only a reminder. Oikawa was using you and you were doing the same, so why would he ever kiss away the tears that started to prick your eyes. How would picking up the crumbling pieces of your facade ever benefit him?
you just gotta love me
Why would Tooru ever understand that he was undoing the stitches of your patchwork heart?
The clock finally strikes midnight and the guests start filtering out, saying their goodbyes and throwing you disapproving looks. The two of you follow the last person out and make your way towards the setter’s car. The air between the two of you is stifling, suffocating the both of you and adding to whatever was threatening to spill over. Once Oikawa pulls into your driveway, he unlocks the door but you make no moves to get out. Instead you unbuckle your seatbelt and face him, the words already tumbling from your mouth.
i got an itch in my throat
“What the hell was that Oikawa?”
The brown-haired man scoffs at you, pulling his phone out and tossing it in your lap.
“I think I should be asking you that question.”
You pick up the phone and realize that the flash you saw earlier belonged to a camera. Some paparazzi had captured the moment that man had saved you from falling and created a false narrative about the situation.
“If you were going to cheat at least don’t do it with my fucking rival. Do you understand how embarrassing this is for me? Everyone at the party saw that article.”
hush, baby don’t say another word
“So this obviously fake article was a valid reason to let everyone insult me? This is the reason you decided to flick me off like some bug when I obviously needed support. You believe this lie when you should know better than anyone what the media does.”
hush, baby don’t say another word, be quiet
“How do I know it’s a lie? I find it convenient that the one time you decline my offer to be your plus one somewhere, a picture of you in some man’s arms is spread all over the internet.” Oikawa spits out, malice coating every vowel.
hush, baby, when you do, i just get hurt
All the trust you built with one another starts to disintegrate into nothingness. Everything you did for him is overshadowed by a photo taken out of context and you can’t do anything but sit there in silence.
Oikawa knew the article was fake but he couldn’t shake his fear. The fear that gnawed at his bones before each game is the same one that tapped at his heart when he thought about you, that fear of losing is the only thing driving his very irrational mind.
come on, baby, don’t you hurt me anymore
“If you wanted to break it off you could have just said something instead of sneaking around. We made it very clear that this wasn’t some long-term thing. But you know the funny thing is that I’m not surprised, what was I supposed to expect from some spoiled rich girl who does anything to appease mommy and daddy. You can’t even be your own person and I pity you. I bet they told you to do this too since you're incapable of making decisions on your own.”
i got goosebumps all over me
Tears start to fall from your eyes and you chuckle bitterly because in some ways he was right. He was right and you hated how he used it against you. You thought he was the first person to look at you for you, so his words sting in a way you weren’t ready for. And in a way you looked up to him, everything he did was for himself and you envied that because he was right, you were still stuck vying for your parents’ validation. And the one choice you made for yourself is starting to kill you from the inside.
when you’re around, hard for me to breathe
Oikawa watches the tears roll down your face and he feels his insides ache. But he refuses to let himself be vulnerable because he couldn’t handle the fact his heart was resting in your palms. You were getting too close. You were cracking the glass box around his heart and he couldn’t let that happen. So Tooru pushes you away in the only way he knows how: shattering your heart in place of his.
“Now your carelessness is going to ruin everything I worked for.” The man grumbles out, ripping his gaze from your face because the guilt was eating away at him.
“Excuse me? Everything you worked for?” You mutter out, incredulously. Oikawa tries to say something but you cut him off, your tone sharp enough to cut through steel.
hush, baby, don’t you say another word
“Nothing, you would be nothing without me. I made you. I’m the one that taught you everything you know. So no it’s not everything you worked for, it’s everything I fucking did for you. And you know what, all those tabloids might have been onto something.”
His eyes snap back to you and he dreads the next words that will come out of your mouth. Tooru knows exactly what you were going to say and he prays you don’t. He might not be able to handle acknowledging his love for you but he definitely can’t handle you viewing him the rest of the world did.
hush, baby, when you do, i just get hurt
But it was already too late and the damage had been dealt.
“I think the title “heartbreaker” fits you perfectly, seeing as how you completely crushed mine and we’re not even really dating.” You whisper, getting out of the car.
He watches you walk into your house and once the front door slams close, his head drops onto the steering wheel. Quiet sobs leave his mouth and tears stain his face.
Everything started because of his words and for it to end the same way, well the day starts and ends with sunrise and sunset.
And for Oikawa losing you under the same sky that held the sun that he met you under, was enough to make him lose his mind.
a/n: IM BACKKKKK, again sorry for the extended hiatus :/ school has been whooping my ass and then i got sick so it was just a been whole lotta !! but yea hope everyone likes the 4th installment in crescendo, after this there is only two tracks left and i have other things coming out in october so watch out for that 😋 make sure to stay hydrated <33
taglist: @hyukathejaeger @santoteez @cuppediacosmos @satorose @amisuh @missackerman1
#haikyuu#haikyuu fanfiction#haikyuu x black reader#haikyuu x y/n#haikyuu x you#haikyuu angst#haikyuu x reader#oikawa toru x reader#oikawa#oikawa x black reader#oikawa x you#oikawa tooru#mik0rin’s masterlist#crescendo#saturn’s masterlist#black y/n
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the luvrs club ❥ host list
“love is not something grown on earth, it’s tended to in the heavens by the immortals and sent down in a form of flower. they can only hope the mortals who are blessed enough to get their hands on the stem, take enough care to keep the petals alive.”
have you ever heard the story of aphrodite’s children? the champions that pioneered love, intimacy, and heartbreak. the overseers of matters of the heart and soul. and similar to midas with his touch of gold, they had more than enough power in their fingertips to spread love and destruction.
❥ pothos - iwaizumi hajime
❥ hedylogos - semi eita
❥ eros - bokuto kōtarō
❥ himeros - sugawara koushi
❥ hymenaious - asahi azumane
❥ anteros - ????
a/n: each fic will have its own individual playlist link so i won’t post a link in the masterlist ,,, taglist open >>>> tag me
#mik0rin’s masterlist#saturn’s masterlist#haikyuu#haikyuu fanfiction#haikyuu x black reader#haikyuu x you#haikyuu x y/n#the luvrs club#bokuto#iwaizumi#semi eita#haikyuu!!#sugawara#asahi#bokuto x black reader#sugawara x black reader#iwaizumi x black reader#asahi x black reader#semi x black reader
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