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#mentally i will remain here for a very long time i fear

lost-and-ephemeral · 2 months

Note

helloooo, can i req cuddling with love and deepspace boys? :))

Imagine: Loving Embrace (ft. main trio)

Pairing: Xavier x reader, Zayne x reader, Rafayel x reader (seperate)

Tags: pure fluff

A/N: i'm still feeling pretty bad mentally because too many things happened and i'm no longer taking antidepressants, but this little cute request was hard to resist ♡ I decided to focus on different situations instead of writing simple hcs for cuddles

-`♡´- MASTERLIST -`♡´-

Rafayel: Cuddles for Inspiration

"Come here, I can't find my inspiration without you."

At least that's what Rafayel always says when he can't find the right balance between painting and wanting to spend time with you. So why not combine both!

Yes, he's covered in paint and, yes, its smell completely soaked his clothes, but you never say no to him. How could anyone resist his cute pouty face when he's asking for something like this?

The moment Rafayel pulls you by the waist and sits you on his lap, be prepared to spend a very, very long time like this. Especially if he's really inspired by your closeness.

And he just can't let go of his muse in the middle of the creative process, right?

Rafayel holds you firmly but gently by your waist while his chin rests on your shoulder. His eyes are either closed as he thinks about something or focused on the canvas.

Sometimes his fingers draw invisible abstract shapes on your waist. He does it instinctively, without thinking. Or he plays with your own fingers while he draws details with his other hand.

"See? Without you, this painting wouldn't be complete."

Zayne: Cuddles for Productivity

"I need some cuddles to promote the production of oxytocin."

Zayne… Always remains Zayne, covering up his own desire to be closer to you with various medical terms and researches. It is cute in it's own way, actually.

He loves it when you hold him in your arms and he can completely relax for a while, resting his head on your chest and listening to your heartbeat. He'll definetely call it a way to check your heath too.

Zayne loves to cuddle before or after work most of the time, but he won't refuse to be there for you during his break at work.

He needs to find the energy to keep working, after all.

He probably prefers to keep quiet during yor cuddling session, but if you want to tell him something, go ahead, Zayne won't say a word against it.

In fact, he even enjoys hearing your stories. Just make sure they don't contain things about your work that might alarm him. Otherwise, he might go back into strict doctor mode. But it's still only because of his love and care for you.

"Have you heard that hugs or any other show of affection can have health benefits, including reducing fear, stress, and pain? So it is good for both of us."

Xavier: Cuddles for Sleep

"My internal battery is completely drained."

And with these words Xavier will make himself comfortable in your arms while you're lying on the couch or bed and scrolling on social media.

And that's not even a joke, he's actually completely exhausted after spending the last couple days on missions without proper rest. You know Xavier, he either works non-stop or goes into hibernation after that. It'll take some time to change his habits.

In this state, he's more like a big plush toy, and you can do whatever you want with him. But the best idea is to play with his hair. This action always relaxes him.

After all, only in your hands he can find such a desired comfort.

Xavier will tell you about how his last mission went while you cuddle. Well, he will try to do it before sleep finally consumes him. And you'll be able to hear perfectly how his voice grows quieter and quieter with each word.

He's so cute when he's sleepy, isn't he? You can even tell him that to get a quiet chuckle in return. Xavier doesn't mind your little teasing.

"It's so warm in your arms, I swear I… I can't stay awake anymore…"

#love and deepspace x reader #love and deepspace #love and deepspace xavier #love and deepspace zayne #love and deepspace rafayel #rafayel x reader #zayne x reader #xavier x reader

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kai-anderson-whore · 6 months

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The summoning (jmp x tate Langdon x reader smut)

Summary: you had always been fascinated with serial killers and true crime, one day you decided to try and summon your two favourite killers

Warnings: smut, three way, oral (tate receiving), p in v sex, doggy style 😏, summoning a ghost, ouija board,

Word count: 1,3k (another short one it was supposed to be longer)

A/n: this is a request by @villains-are-hot, thank you for the request and once again I apologise that it was very rushed at the end and I took ages to post this 😊

•¤❅¤•.•°˚˚°•..•°˚˚°•.•¤❅¤•.•¤❅¤•.•°˚˚°•.

For as long as you could remember you had a unhealthy obsession with true crime/ serial killers. Some may say it's far from normal, it was frightening. You knew stories of cases watched all the documentaries and more.

Some people say it's the type of obsession you hear killers having before they kill. You didn't care it was a interest that you were so passionate about. You preferred learning about serial killers, how their mind works, what drove them to do it. The ones you liked learning about the most was Tate Langdon who got shot dead in his bedroom after shooting up his school one day in 1994. And the other was James Patrick march a well known serial killer from the 1920s to the early 1930s. Legend has it they both still reside in their place of death.

You didn't know if that was true or not, you visited the hotel that James Patrick march resides in but nothing, you couldn't exactly go to the murder house since people live there. It intrigued you deeply, the thought it could be true or not.

You didn't know what you were doing when the idea popped into your head, you thought it won't work but it was worth a go. Now researching things to do, how to summon ghosts, some where a bit far fetched others seemed fake but you were willing nonetheless. Finding a method writing down everything that had to be done.

You sat in front of the oujia board your fingers delicately on the triangle piece. You took deep breaths trying to stay calm circling the board three times before saying "James Patrick march and Tate Langdon I invite you to this space" waiting a few seconds you felt eerily quiet and cold.

"Is there anyone here?" You asked the board, you felt something pushing the triangle to yes, you gasped in shock now feeling nervous but your fingers still remain on the piece. "How many sprits are here?" You then asked feeling uneasy slightly regretting your decision. The piece moved to the number 2 you didn't know if it was you or if it was actually two spirits here but you slowly asked your next question "w-who are you?".

The board moved to around spelling out two initials JMP and TL you gasped removing your hands from the board standing up. Completely forgetting to say goodbye. You immediately grabbed the board putting it away "what the fuck, it's probably me doing it it's got to be" you whispered to yourself.

"Not quite dear" a voice chimed making you yelp in fright. "What the fuck!?" You turned around seeing two guys there awfully familiar to you, they looked identical like discrete descent, "w-who are you?" You asked in fear.

"I'm James Patrick march and this is-" "Tate Langdon" they said, you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion "you're both dead no this can't be true." You couldn't believe what you were seeing they looked exactly like the killers you knew so much about. "How are you here?" You asked a thousand questions running around your head.

"Well you summoned us" Tate chuckled pointing to the ouija board. That's when you realised "shit I forgot to say goodbye" mentally cursing yourself, "it's quite alright dear, but I must ask how did you manage to get us free?" James asked.

"Dude she used the ouaji board to get us out" Tate said like James was dumb. "That's fascinating" James eyes light up "I don't know how we could ever thank you" James added. Tate's eyes on you like you’re his prey, swallowing a lump in your throat as his steps grew closer to you from behind. "I've got an idea" Tate's breath on your neck sending shivers down your spine. "Y-you don't need to thank me" your voice was above whisper unsure what they mean.

"Well boy enlighten us with your idea" James's velvety voice made you shiver more. You couldn't deny they were both very attractive despite their tendency to killing. "Well she's pretty isn't she? Don't you agree?" Tate smirked his hands running down the soft skin of your arms. "I do agree with you she is quite remarkable" James agreed beckoning his steps closer to you.

You didn't know if your body was filled with fear or anticipation maybe both. Closing your eyes feeling their breaths breeze across your features. James colds fingertips grazing gracefully along your bare arms bringing goosebumps to their wake. "I think we shall reward her for setting us free from our eternal resistances" James smirked his pencil moustache raising up.

"I was thinking the same" Tate chuckled with a devilish smirk, you didn't know what to feel scared? Or turned on? Maybe both. Feeling their cold hands on you but you didn't protest instead you let out a small sigh tugging on your shirt removing it from your body your head felt like it was spinning feeling their lips on your neck. You felt yourself being guided to your bed. Seeing Tate now above you with a mischievous smirk on his face.

You didn't know where James was until Tate pull away from you, seeing James now in his briefs flipping you over on your hands and knee. You whimpered in anticipation for what's to come feeling James's cold fingers hooking into your underwear peeling the fabric of your underwear off you and into the floor. Tate in front of you his impressive length in-front of you, holding yourself on one hand stroking him, earning a low groan erupted from his mouth. You felt cold fingertips teasing your folds collecting your arousal bringing it to your clit circling it in slow torturous motions.

A small gasp left your lips, your body automatically responding to James's touch "that's it dear" he says huskily, Tate still knelt infront of you his eager length desperate for attention. You took Tate's cock in your hand stroking him kitten licking the tip making him buck his hips into your touch more. You took Tate in your mouth swirling your tongue along the tip, gasping as you felt James enter your heat.

James thrusted into you slowly you moaned against Tate's length. A low groan rumbled from his throat his hips bucked further in your throat. James thrusts grew more faster and harder, tears forming in your eyes. "Fuck" Tate hissed his hips essentially fucking your throat.

"You feel wonderful darling" James hissed his grip on your hips tight, nails digging into your skin only adding to your pleasure. "Fuck" you moaned feeling Tate twitch in your mouth signalling you that he was close. You kept your movements along Tate's cock till he releases into the back of your throat, swallowing every drop. James kept his movements thrusting harshly into you you felt close to the edge "I'm so close" you moaned. Tate was watching you and James with a smirk, his skin flustered. James didn’t stop his movements hitting that spot guaranteed to make you see stars.

With a few more harsh deep thrusts, your body trembles, back arching releasing over James’s length trigging his own release deep inside you. His thrusts became sloppy till they came to a halt. Trying to catch your breath “that was something else” you chuckled. James and tate shared a wicked smile between them, “oh we’re don’t done, we’re only getting started” Tate’s voice make a shiver run down your spine waiting on what’s to come.

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n3xii · 3 months

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clarity on your manifestation ~ pick a wand

Choose a wand that you feel drawn! today's pick a card will help you gain insight on what you're manifesting from a LOA perspective (law of assumption) What you will get:

-what you need to release

-what you need to know

-what you need to embrace

wand one

what you need to know: nine of wands reversed

manifesting is about persistence- its about prevailing in the mindset that you already have what you want regardless of what you see in front of you. This nine of wands reversed here talks about anxiety and paranoia, you may fear that you won't actually get what you want. you lack the belief in yourself to manifest it. This is mainly a self concept issue- developing the self belief that you can persist and that you are a powerful manifester can greatly benefit you in this time. you need to know that you have actually come very far in your manifestation, and you get further by being consistent.

What you need to release: judgement

Your inner critic and inner pessimist is instilling you with fear. you need to release the instinct to harshly judge yourself and your circumstances just because you don't see what you want yet. Resist the inner critic, show yourself compassion instead. you also need to release the urge to make immediate assements of your reality when you dont see what you want- i feel like this pile struggles to stay in one consistent mindset. a person who has what they want doesnt immediately make an contradicting assumption about their reality, they persist in it.

what you need to embrace: the hermit reversed

You need to embrace the world around you, come out of your shell. Integrate back into your community, family, and social circles. all this time alone, self-isolating and existing in your head might be affecting your mental health in a negative way that snowballs into a negative self concept. You need to embrace that you're just like everyone else, there is no special wisdom to manifesting, there is no special quality to believing in yourself. having faith in your ability to bring about your desires is not exclusive to a few special people, its for everyone willing to persist through old illusions to empower themselves. you got this, you are capable, validate your own inner strength.

Wand Two

What you need to know: the moon reversed

You are in the process of liberating yourself from illusions and projections. When the moon card is in reversed, it tells me that you're no longer unaware of subconscious thoughts and beliefs that might have been holding you back. You have managed to face underlying beliefs head on, and this has helped you clear out lingering doubt, illusions, lies, myths etc.

what you need to release: page of pentacles

The idea that you need to work for a long, grueling time is something you need to release. Do you think elon musk works hard (no) Do you think people at the top do hard work? NO. They're capitalist and they exploit other people to be where they are. the idea that you need to work hard for a long time in order to be successful is a lie capitalist tell you so its easier to exploit you. You can manifest a life of ease, for opportunities to find you, for freedom from capitalistic mindsets.

What you need to embrace: knight of swords

the knight of swords is direct, abrasive, and clear minded. This is someone who knows what they want and they channel all of their mental energy to getting it. You need to embrace this directness, be forward about what you want. be unapologetic. be relentless in your self belief. you need to embrace a mindset that you will get what you want no matter what because you can.

Wand three

What you need to know: two of pentacles

The two of pentacles is an energy of change, specifically adapting to change. Intuitively speaking, i feel that the people who chose this pile are adapting to the change they are trying to make in their lives- you are trying to remain balanced and stable in what you want to manifest. The card depicts someone trying to balance between two things- are you still balancing two realities at once? you cannot walk in two directions at the same time. This is an energy of adapting, you're still in the process of selecting the mindset that you want to persist in without the old story peering into your thoughts. That is completely ok, keep going don't give up.

What you need to release: strength reversed

The strength card in reverse is essentially telling me that you feel as though you do not possess the inner strength and resilience to be persistent. the strength card in reverse is someone who reacts, and doens't have the inner strength to resist against the temptation of reacting to undesired circumstances. Release that negative self concept that you're weak. you are strong enough, you are not your circumstance.

What you need to embrace: knight of pentacles reversed

Ease. You need to embrace ease. manifesting is not hard work, it is not supposed to be taxing on your physical and mental stamina. It doesnt have to be complicated or even slow. etc. Embrace the process, and that it doesnt have to require so much damn work.

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cinnamonest · 2 months

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not too sure if you've already put thought into it, but which yanderes would be/wouldn't be willing to break bones? i feel like for most of them it's a hard yes but depending on the circumstances and their mental fragility.

also sadisim. (COUGHCOUGHCHILDECOUGHCOUGH)

ignore this ask if you've already answered/have a question similar to this (or just don't want to answer/! and if your reqs are closed and my tumblrs just tweaking that's okay too!!

I would say Albedo initially, but he's a practical man, if you're not going to be using the limbs anyway might as well just take them off, so… as for some others…

Kazuha does it for practicality, specifically your ankles. It's a useful risk prevention method.

He still feels bad, and he apologizes… but he doesn't hesitate much. After all, he did give you fair warning, but you ran off yet again. This is just to keep you safe, for your own well-being, and for his peace of mind.

He's sweet about it too. He puts your hand against his arm beforehand, and tells you here, you can squeeze down on my arm, okay? After all, it will help with the initial pain.

He's still sweet when you squirm away and whimper, even though the grip with which he pulls you back is harsh.

I know. But I can't let you be a danger to yourself…

He holds you gently for however long it takes you to stop crying. He'll get you water and food and painkillers/alcohol, tends to your every need, waits on you hand and (broken) foot. Notably, once the initial reaction has died down, he stops really acknowledging it in any meaningful way, talks to you as if everything is normal. Even when addressing your leg, he talks about it as if it were some injury you acquired by other means.

You might be spiteful enough to bring it up and remind him that it's his fault, but he's quick to correct you, keeping a soft voice and gentle smile all the while.

You did have every opportunity to choose otherwise, you know. Ah, but I know you're upset… it's okay if you blame me.

He'll be fully patient for you to heal, too. He’s very cheerful once it's fully healed, says he's glad you're better, helps you walk around a bit to get readjusted, keeping his hands firmly supporting you the entire time. Even for a while after it's healed enough to walk, he checks on it from time to time to ensure the final stages of mending are going well.

He tells you you're fully healed, with a soft voice and ever-pleasant smile, not without adding—

Let’s hope it stays that way.

----

Childe has to be in a more angry mood than usual to get to that point. Usually, his form of sadism is the sort that focuses on a sort of pleasure-pain, the sort he can get off to… but this is a bit different.

It's only because you keep being irritating. He's really tolerant, you know? He's been so lenient, he tells you, he's been so nice, he's been so good to you, and what do you do? You keep being mean. It's cute up to a certain point, but you're being like, really really mean.

It's actually kind of nice, on his end, to see your immediate reaction — you can tell just by the strained smile and clenched teeth as he speaks that you've crossed some sort of line. For once, you actually shrink back, clutch your hands up at your chest defensively, start to take some steps back… but you can't get away fast enough before you're drug forward by the hair or neck.

Come on… it's not that hard to be good, is it?

It's a last chance — he's nice enough to give you that, at least, even if you don't deserve it (which you don't, he thinks). Come on. You can be good, you can apologize and submit and he'll forget all the spiteful shit you've done today and then you can have a nice, happy rest of the day. You can do it. It should be easy. He takes one of your hands in his, holding it with a sort of sincere pleading gesture.

But, even though you should know better, you still remain spiteful through your fear, narrow your eyes and tell him no. You try to jerk your hand away, only to find his grip on it is iron-firm.

His smile twitches.

Aw. That's too bad.

And thus, you process the sound and sight before the pain — you see him take your hand and twist it, hear the snap, and only then does the pain shoot up through your wrist, through your arm and to every nerve in your body. It's bad enough that you fall to your knees, squealing, cradling the now-unnaturally-twisted limb.

Yes, he's very very nice, but admittedly, hearing you wail like that is rather pleasing, all things considered. More so when he grabs you by the jaw, jerks your head up to force you to look at him, and sees the tears in your eyes, the way your face contorts with pain.

Maybe you can be good now…?

This time, you squeeze your eyes shut, frantically nodding your head, a pitiful little sound coming out of your throat. He'd be lying if he said it wasn't very satisfying.

---

There's also a notable difference between willing to break bones and likelihood of breaking bones, actively willing or not.

Some non-humans are particularly unaware of their strength — Xiao fits this well. He genuinely doesn't like hurting you, although you would think so, based on how much he does, it's just that he forgets how fragile you are. For someone of his strength, your body might as well be made of glass.

So it just sort of happens… he grabs you by the arm or leg and pulls in the wrong direction a bit too hard, there's a stomach-churning snapping sound and suddenly you're shrieking and crying. It startles him quite a bit — he lets go and shrinks back, all wide-eyed and head darting from side to side as he looks around in confused panic.

But just as with fragility, he's also not very aware of the durability of the human body. He’s not great at gauging severity of injury — normally, he just attacks creatures until they stop moving, because that's his goal when it comes to his responsibilities.

So he has no real reference for how much damage he's done. Bones are all connected, yes? He probably broke something important, or made some internal organ come apart somehow, and it will kill you. The thought sends him into a full-fledged panic, he's bolting off and dragging help back as fast as physically possible, explaining that you have sustained mortal injury and are on the verge of death.

He's at least comforted to learn that that is in fact not the case, and you have merely broken your arm, which, the innkeeper confirms, is in fact not fatal. He's too relieved to notice the blatant frustration in her voice (this marks the fourth time he's insisted you are about to die over something actually far more trivial), and merely nods when she asks to please be more careful.

He doesn't really know how to handle the matter from there. He feels guilty about it. You're obviously in pain, and it's his fault. He'll sit next to you, hunched over and staring with those big yellow eyes as if trying to make you heal faster with sheer willpower. Makes sure you don't get up and move around (despite your insistence that your legs are just fine — still can't take risks, he says), disappears for a while each day and comes back with mountaintop herbs that are supposed to dull pain.

He doesn't outright say sorry, but you can see the remorse on his face and in his actions, and it's actually kind of pitiful… it reminds you of a little kid that broke a vase sheepishly trying to put it back together… all in all, you can't really bring yourself to be harsh about it.

#.kz #.x #.ch

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gay-dorito-dust · 7 months

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Hello hello!! Could i request Bi han, Kuai Liang and Tomas dealing with the death or fatality injured of their partner/reader? :) and can it be hurt/comfort

Also I really like your writing!! :D

I kind of did something similar to this for Bi-Han here

Also I did this in the form of headcannons cuz my brain is very eepy and can’t do descriptive sentences rn. So I hope that’s fine. Also I kinda left it with more hurt than comfort. 🦦

Tomas Vrbada

Tomas goes into a somewhat depressed state when you got hurt and would wholeheartedly blame himself for not doing better and not protecting you like he should’ve. You’re his priority, he promised to keep you safe with his and he couldn’t even do that as in the end you were the one fighting for your life.

He berates himself and views himself as a failure for being helpless.

Tomas would become withdrawn from everyone, including his brothers and wouldn’t interact with them unless it were in regards to missions, general Lin Kuei/ Shirai Ryu business, or updates of your progress from the medics when he would visit your in the medbay.

He’s a silent crier, the kind to hold back his own sobs so that no one hears them as they walk past his room and come knocking. And even if he does let out a sob it’ll be into his pillow until it’s fully soaked in his tears and he’s a little lightheaded afterwards.

Tomas feels as though a big part of him was lost within that comatose with you. He just doesn’t take care proper of himself anymore nor cares about the unhealthy coping mechanisms he’s developed during this time, which would consist of continuously getting himself sent on highly dangerous missions in the hopes that it would make him faster them before, stronger then before; forcing him to think a lot more on his feet.

If anything Tomas was training himself for the next time that this would happen, no matter how hard he would wish that it wouldn’t, because life wasn’t going to do him any favours because it never does. So it was all up to him that when it does happen again, he’d be better prepared to stop you from being taken from him again.

Tomas would have frequent nights of unrest, seeing as it was your presence, your warmth that kept him sound asleep, he would venture down to the medbay and sometimes fall sleep outside of the door, where the medics would later find in the morning.

Kuai Liang

Kuai Liang would remain at your side and grasping at your hand, feeling hopelessly lost as he prayed for you to make it through this and come out the other side okay, for his deepest fear was for every second that you didn’t wake up, the lesser the chances there were for you to wake up, for you to come back to him.

So he’s very, very desperate for a man who’s trying his hardest to keep ahold of himself without you.

Kuai Liang would be restless for results, wanting to be the first person to know the progression of your condition, which oftentimes doesn’t do much to help the anger and the upset he feels when he’s given news that he didn’t like. He’s not mad at the medics, nor trying to place blame on them, their trying their best to bring you back and he appreciates the fact that they were pulling out all the stops; he was just trying to find more and more reasons to add to the long list to blame himself for being a shit partner.

He would even mentally prepare himself for the possibility that the last set of memories he’s had of you were of you getting fatally injured under his protection -if he could even could it that- reaching out for him with pain stricken eyes and then you lying in the medbay afterwards, unresponsive and almost lifeless.

Kuai Liang’s simultaneously an angry and a silent crier. He’d clench his fists at his sides as his nails dig into his skin, hoping to feel something besides the anger and the overwhelming guilt that he had been carrying since the moment you’ve been admitted to the medbay. He’d even clench his jaw to prevent himself from crying out and look up at the ceiling as tears brim his eyes.

He doesn’t feel as though he should shed tears for you since it was his fault that you were fighting for your life.

His heart hurts for you, it bleeds for you, he just wants you to come back home and until you do, he’ll be on a revenge murder spree, hunting down every single last person that dared hurt you along with their associates.

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dovabunny · 5 months

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GhostSoap Concept - I (don't) need control

We all love a dom!Ghost. But consider...

Ghost has always had to remain perfectly in control of his rage and anger and fear all his life. Since he was a boy he was expected to be perfect, the image of restraint and bravery.

Later in his life when it got harder, he could at least hide behind the mask - but even then he had to maintain the myth of 'The Ghost'.

Never let them see him sweat, or cry, or rage, or snap, or slip up, or lose control for even a second.

The first time it happens was accidental. Ghost was always very quiet and withdrawn after draining missions. Everyone knew to steer clear of him, but ESPECIALLY after missions.

(Not knowing that he was actually just entirely overstimulated, overwhelmed, and drained)

Soap had tripped on his shoes as he got onto the heli and laughed it off, asking Ghost if he couldn't help with all his gear.

Then Ghost stunned everyone by wordlessly getting up from his seat, taking all Soap's gear to stow it, and made a seat for him next to his own.

Ghost seemed unaware of the glances, and Soap's intense stare. When they got off Soap tested an idea and asked Ghost to help him up. He wordlessly obeyed. Then very carefully (bravely) *ordered* Ghost to go to medical before the debrief, and Ghost did the same.

A hypothesis formed in his head. He kept it to himself till the next mission and tested it again, making sure to not let anyone else notice.

His hypothesis was correct. Ghost was so sensory, emotionally, and mentally burned that he took to instruction. Needed it.

Then Soap starts climbing over his high walls, despite all the growling and threats and cold shoulders. The Scott persists until he meets *Simon*.

And Johnny learned what Simon needs. Simon needs to give up the suffocating chokehold Ghost keeps.

It took Ghost an embarrassingly long time to realize what Soap was doing, finding such absolute sweet comfort in letting someone he trusts steer him when he didn't have the capacity. He kept quiet for longer, wishing the Scott would take his time more, would even praise him ...

It took more bravery than he ever used in battle to go to Soap one night when he felt crushed by the world.

His Johnny took one look at the huge, hunched figure and it's desperate eyes and knew what Simon, not Ghost, needed.

"Come in and take off your shoes." It started. Then..

Did you eat? Good. Stay here. I ran you a bath, get in for me. Hold your head back, hand me the shampoo. Hold still. Go to the closet and take out the blue swears, now put them on. Good. Do want to go? No? Want to be a good boy for me? On the bed, take a nap for me, I'll wake you. Good boy.

By giving over full control Simon felt like he could rest, could recharge a raw part of his soul that had been running on empty for years. Soap was always gentle, praised him, helped him unwind, feel safe, and rest.

But he could see Soap wanted more too... And so did he.

Soap had taken his time washing Ghost, praising his obedience. When he went to get him dressed, however, Ghost disobeyed him for the first time, and instead got on his knees with hooded eyes.

He knew Johnny could read him like a book.

And a shuddering breath confirmed it.

Do you know what you're asking? Do you want me to use you? If you want to stop tap my leg, okay? Show me - do it. Good boy. Always so good for me.

Let me make you feel good, baby. I'll take care of you, give you what you need. Now, open that pretty mouth~

#lil smutty but suggestive #i suppose #soapghost #ghostsoap #cod mwii #cod mw2 #johnny soap mactavish #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #my writing

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amyispxnk · 5 months

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I'd do whatever I could do

Summary - you're staying with Joel now, trying to figure yourself out and leaving the QZ to visit some of his friends

A/N: oh my god, I finally did it y'all - finally made the part two for this 👏 Also, I was going through the lyrics of this song and I kind of realised just how daddy issues Joel it is. I'm not gonna list them, but there are definitely a good few lines that stuck out to me. A part 3 might be simmering. We'll see.

Pairing: platonic/father figure!Joel Miller x f!reader (could probably be read as GN tho?)

Word count: 1.8k

Warnings: violence, mentions of past abuse, PTSD, alcohol mention, language, angst, pet names, comfort, paternal issues, very brief mention of a gun

DO NOT COPY THIS FIC IN ANY WAY PLS AND TY.

Part 1 here

You reckoned you had stopped really taking the words in a few seconds after he slammed the door behind him, immediately shrinking back into the couch where you'd previously been sat staring into space, whilst he told you things about his day.

Your eyes darted up at him quickly, lip quivering already. You still didn't know exactly why. Why small things like him touching you too abruptly, raising his voice (never at you, but for some reason it still affected you), loud noises like a door slamming, affected you. But they really did, and he'd come to notice it after only a few days of you staying with him.

He came back home after a long, difficult, tiring deal. Since your arrival and staying at his place had been so recent, his old habits remained. One of them was to practically shout and stomp his foot in anger as soon as he got back from a trade went south, a bad day out.

"Fuck!" He had gritted through clenched teeth as he threw his bag on the floor, deadset on getting into the kitchen to his whisky to muffle the frustration of the day.

You froze in complete fear and horror as he rounded the corner, his eyes immediately falling onto your trembling figure, clutching the little food packet in one of your hands as your own eyes stared back at him, bulging out of their sockets.

"Shit." He muttered to himself, taking a few steps towards you - not expecting you to immediately drop the packet and raise your hands in front of you, almost cowering before him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Joel p-please, I don't-" You stuttered, eyes welling up with tears as you flinched when he took another, more careful, step towards you, already apologising even though you didn't know what you had done.

"Hey, hey, hey. 's okay," he soothed. "C'mere sweetheart. It's okay." And somehow the sound of his voice, so gentle just for you, comforted you immediately.

You stepped into his open arms, body shaking hard with sobs as you choked on your own tears. "I'm sorry." You said, muffled into the fabric of his flannel.

"I told you it's okay. What happened, sweet girl?" He hugged you tight, right hand coming up to rub soothing circles into your back.

"I don't know." You murmured, unsure of what set you off so badly.

"It's okay baby, we'll figure it out. You're okay now."

That was the first time it had happened, now you were here again. He'd slammed the door, although he wasn't angry. It was just something he did out of habit to ensure it closed properly, but after he saw you shaking like before on the couch, his brows knitted in worry.

"What's wrong?" He asked, a hand coming to rest on your shoulder as you turned to face him slightly, jolting - not as aggressively as you used to - at the touch.

"Nothing. Just- you slammed the door. I think it's one of those.. trigger things you were talking about."

Naturally, Joel had racked his mind and scoured the dozen odd books he had in his apartment to try remember anything about this kind of mental health issue and the things you'd gone through, finally landing on some sort of PTSD. He'd explained it as best he could to you, telling you that the things like someone raising their voice at you and loud noises were 'triggers', things that reminded you of the times with your dad and made you feel that same fear you'd feel with him all over again.

"Right." He nodded, brushing your hair back and out of your eyes a bit. "'m sorry, sweetheart. I'll try not to do it again, yeah?"

You hummed a noise of agreement, making a space beside you for him to sit down on the couch.

He did so and cleared his throat. "Got some news," he began "'s nothin' big, really. Just thought you oughta have a bit of notice."

You turned to face him a little more as he looked up and met your eyes. "I have this deal, with a guy in Lincoln, and I'm due to go see him next week." He told you.

"So.. you're leaving?" You questioned, trying not to seem too hurt by it.

"No, no. I mean- if you don't want to come with me, then yeah, but I'll be back within the month. I just.. don't feel too safe leavin' you here." He explained, and you nodded.

"I don't want you to go. I'll- I'll come with you." You mumbled, and he gently tilted your head up to face him again.

"You're gonna be okay out there? Y'ever been out of the QZ before?" He asked. If you hadn't ever been outside then things could be quite difficult. It would be scary for a young thing like you. Not only that, but you had your triggers, and the gunfire paired with the infected would surely set one of them off - that's why he'd tried putting the entire trip off, but he had to go. That was how he made his living around here, he needed those supplies.

"Mmhm. I've also killed a few infected before, if you're worried about that. Not gonna be completely useless, I'd say." You said with a small chuckle, leaning into his touch subconsciously.

"Okay." He nodded, stroking your cheek gently before standing up and going over to the kitchen to make something for dinner. "And you're not useless, sweetheart, not at all."

-----

Bill and Frank. That's who they were. Bill was the guy he actually had the deal with, Frank was the one who'd convinced Bill to go along with it in the first place. Frank was the nice one, Joel had told you.

He'd explained a bit before you'd left and more when it came up in conversation as the two of you walked. In and out of forests, weaving between trees, trudging down dirt roads and kicking rocks, on your journey to Lincoln.

A journey that you still would've been able to complete within a day on foot, but that was before the apocalypse. Now there were buildings falling over eachother, and guards near your place of departure which slowed you down, and clickers and the likes which ensured you had to be completely silent in your movements, extending the time of your journey by at least 50%.

You watched as he slaughtered them all though. It should have scared you, at least a little, but it just amazed you. Admittedly, it had shaken you when you saw him completely beat one of the FEDRA guards to death when you were making your way out of Boston. You'd been caught, a guard that wasn't supposed to be there was there and Joel wasn't careful enough.

Things were almost okay, you probably could have haggled your way out of that situation, but when the soldier made a comment about you, a comment about what they might do to a 'bad girl' like you for sneaking out of the QZ, he had simply seen red. He didn't even know he had lunged for the man until he was on top of him, the crunch of the soldier's jaw and Joel's fist coming down on his face bringing him back to reality.

He was protective of you, and rightfully so, and you didn't even care how aggressive he could get with it. He wanted to keep you safe, and would go that far for it, therefore he cared about you. Someone actually cared about you.

"Okay, I think we're gonna stay here for the night." He said, pulling you out of your thoughts as you gave him a small smile.

"Okay."

You both set up a makeshift camp, eating whatever you could spare from your stash of food before getting ready to go to sleep - him denying your offer to take watch like he did before and he'd do everytime.

You sighed, walking off and quickly settling into the sleeping bag, melting into it and relishing the warmth it offered you as you hugged yourself to sleep, body heat almost suffocating you but in a comforting way.

When you woke up, you thought you actually were suffocating, throwing the cover off of you and crying out his name, the only person you could think of to save you. He was going to get you, he was back, he was coming for you and he'd never leave you alone, he'd take you from Joel and then he'd k-

"Hey, hey. That's not gonna happen, sweetheart, come on, come over here." You didn't realise you were saying those things out loud but it didn't matter as you crawled out of your sleeping bag, letting him pull you into his lap as he cradled you, rocking you back and forth as he kissed your head.

"It's okay, it's okay. Did ya have another nightmare?" He asked, voice calm and low as he tried to comfort you and calm you down.

You nodded quickly, sniffing and breathing erratically as you did.

"Sweet girl. It's okay now, it's okay." He reassured you, hugging you tight and pressing more kisses into your hair. "I won't let anything happen to you, you know that."

"I know." You said quietly, voice cracking as you wiped at your tears. "I'm sorry." You said, somehow in a voice even quieter than before.

He sighed, breathing slowly and deeply - something he knew helped, as he noticed you'd start breathing in time with him to ground yourself, regulate your own breathing during these situations. "Don't go and apologise when you haven't even done anything wrong, sweetheart. You're going through a lot and you're probably still processing everything that happened, it wasn't that long ago when you were still.." he didn't want to remind you of anything too sensitive, trailing off slightly. "Point is, it's all fairly fresh, and it's natural things like these nightmares are gonna be happenin', so don't apologise, okay?" He said, looking into your glossy eyes and brushing your tears away.

"Yeah. I'm-" You were already going to apologise again, making him frown slightly. "Thank you, Joel."

"It's okay. You try get some more sleep now, okay?" He gently helped you off his lap and pulled the sleeping bag back on top of your body, knees cracking as he got back up to walk away to where he was taking watch - when your voice called out for him again.

"Can you stay with me? Please, Joel? I'm just- I'm scared." You mumbled, face growing hot with embarrassment at how pathetic the question felt now you were speaking it aloud.

He pressed his lips together, turning his head to check the area once more before getting his own sleeping bag, placing it by yours, and resting his arm behind your head as you tucked your face into his chest.

"Goodnight." He said softly, stroking your hair slowly.

"Night, Joel." You mumbled into the soft fabric of his shirt, before passing out again, leaving him to lay alone with his thoughts in the cool night.

Thank you sm for reading, I hope you enjoyed! Likes, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated and requests are open! 💞

Tags - @rosierogie @jjlevin

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serialunaliver · 1 month

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Wrote some information about my world; i'll add it to my carrd eventually so don't worry about losing this post. Under readmore because it's long and also not everyone may care

My world, AKA DLF ("Dazx Leotre Flaurdea") is an alternate universe consisting of two planets inhabited by humans: Earth and DLF. The two planets were theorized to be connected, and the most common non-religious theory for the formation of this universe is a 'big bang' event just like on Earth. People on DLF and people on Earth exist independently of each other today but share similar DNA. DLF and Earth are not in the same galaxy and both orbit a separate star ("sun"). I spectate this universe while semi-present in what you call objective reality. Sometimes people in my world will walk around, talk, and interact with the area I'm currently in, and other times they will be in a separate location. DLF contacted Earth gradually over a decade to avoid provoking fear and conflict. Technology is highly advanced on DLF and this alternate universe in general. Inter-planetary travel is maintained by and was revolutionized by a company in the Flaurdean Republic (country on DLF) known as "WL".

While I primarily talk about Flaurdea on my blog, this is only because it's the country I spectate most often. Flaurdea is a country, not a planet or galaxy. And just like on Earth, every country is unique.

People on DLF age gradually but inconsistently. I start seeing a person from my world a different way when they've aged. That's how I identify the aging, not birthdays. They tend to age when I do as well.

I primarily spectate the family of Flash Wendel, founder of WL and arguably de-facto president of Flaurdea. Most often I spectate his daughter Jiji as she is most talkative and active. If she's in a group of people, she'll make sure the focus remains on her. She is most commonly hanging out in whatever area I'm in whenever a person in this world isn't there. For example, when I'm at work, she's often leaning against something acting annoyed and uncomfortable. Understandable--she is the daughter of a trillionaire...why does she keep hanging out in a grocery store? And when I'm outside at work she's most commonly with a group of friends at a table in the grass some people eat at...most commonly Jiji and crew, though. The actions of people in my world also depend on my physical state. They are more idle when I am and almost non-moving when I lay in bed at night. No, I do not have dreams about my world, but since it's an alternate universe that isn't surprising.

I don't know how I came to spectate this universe, but Flash has been a part of my life for a long time, as well as a boy he was close with, Silo, who unfortunately died while working on a project for WL. I really spent that day curled up on the floor crying. Sometimes I'm scared Flash will die, but luckily this hasn't happened. He's gotten injured, though! One time he was shot and one of my friends in this world pointed out the injury was not life-threatening. She follows me on here...thank you for everything.

This is still a very oversimplified writeup of my world but it's overwhelming to talk about because there's just so much to discuss. If you go in the tag 'my world' on my blog you can find occasional updates and information though. I post about it quite often and will answer asks about it as long as they're asked in good faith or don't require me to share details of the lives of people in my world that are too personal to share to thousands of people on tumblr.

Asks about my world I will just delete:

- Mocking my world or people in it

- Armchair diagnosing me

- Asking questions that are way too vague (for example, "what political system is your world"--DLF is an entire planet made up of different countries! be specific!)

- Making ANY mental health related assumptions about my world or asking questions related to that

- Calling me delusional or saying "take your meds" (i've been on so many antipsychotics I now have neurological damage, so yes, I no longer fucking take them. I live at home and i'm safe. My mom and stepdad talk about my world with me regularly. Die mad about it)

#my world

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bg-brainrot · 3 months

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Hugs for a Vampire (Astarion x GN!Reader) - Chapter 7: Before Chasing Ketheric Thorm

Chapter 7: Before Chasing Ketheric Thorm

Each chapter can be read as a standalone hug.

Pairing: Astarion x GN!Reader (Rogue!Tav)

Genre: Fluffy, Filling in Canon

Rating: Teen

Tags: Gender-Neutral Pronouns, POV Second Person, Act 2, Canon-typical violence, developing relationship, impending doom

WC: 1.9k words, 7/18 chapters

Summary: Rogue!Tav is feeling the stress of Moonrise Towers, meanwhile Astarion has realized how nice cuddling is.

Ao3 | [Hug6][Hug8] | Hugs for a Vampire Masterlist

You're aching in quite possibly every muscle in your body, bruises cover your skin, and you can’t recall another time you’ve been this thoroughly exhausted. That's why, when your resident, equally-tired, cleric suggested that the group take a rest before jumping into the lair of the Absolute, you took her suggestion to heart.

"This may be our last chance to rest for a while," she cautioned, staring down at the deep, red abyss below.

You didn't need to hear another word before nodding and turning to Jaheira to ask, "Have your Harpers found any unoccupied floors we could take?"

She led you and your group to the floor of a tower not far from the yawning chasm Ketheric retreated into. The eerie chill in the air persisted, but the place was better than nothing, so you gratefully settled in and made camp.

Now, here you are, sitting cross-legged on the stone floor, drinking a health potion, and staring at a crack in the floor, as if you can peer through it to the danger below. The camp is cramped and you can hear all of your companions bustle around you, physically and mentally preparing for the horrors to come. You tune them out as you contemplate your situation, how did I end up in this mess? Come tomorrow, will we finally be rid of the Absolute? What in the Nine Hells even is the Absolute?

You may have spent the rest of the night in a dangerous cocktail of self-pity and frustration, but before long a pair of arms drapes over your shoulders, a chin comes to rest on your head.

“Darling,” Astarion’s voice has an endearing whine to it. “Are you really going to sit here moping the rest of the night? While your poor, sad lover is cold and in need of a cuddle?”

Unphased, you tilt your head up to look at him, only to be met with a set of round, sparkling eyes. “You’re always cold,” you retort, but your resolve is weak in the face of his pleading look.

“I know, all the more reason I could use a hot-blooded hero to warm me up,” he says, all but toppling onto you as he leans onto you more, like a cat vying for a spot of sunlight.

An involuntary grunt leaves your body as you fold over, and you think one of your ribs might be bruised. Astarion immediately releases you, leaning back on his heels to sit on the ground behind you.

“Are you alright?” he asks.

You suppress a wince before turning to face him. “I’m okay, nothing a good night’s rest won’t fix.” Something about your act is clearly unconvincing, because he only responds with a furrowed brow. “Okay fine, nothing a good ol’ health potion won’t fix. I’ll finish it before the night is done.” You wave the bottle and its red contents slosh in response.

Astarion seems to remain unconvinced, pressing his lips into a straight line. “Is that just your excuse to not cuddle with me?” His words are teasing, but a very real fear is underlying them.

In your tired state and turbulent state of mind, you miss the fear. “If you’re really that cold, I have an extra blanket,” you offer, a misguided attempt to be helpful. His face falls and realization hits you a second too late to stop the hurt in his eyes.

“I’ll survive,” he says curtly, moving to stand up.

Your hand reaches out to grab his wrist before he can get far, and he stumbles back onto the ground. Words start spewing out of you, your mouth urgently trying to undo what it's just said, “Wait, that’s not what I meant. I just wanted to make sure you stayed warm. It’s no excuse, but I have a lot on my mind so I’m sorry that–”

“No, I’m sorry,” he says, his gaze fixated on your hand on his wrist. After a second of silence, he brings his eyes up, they dart between yours nervously. “Am I being too clingy?”

“No!” you reply, the word coming out in panicked shout. You’ve been making slow and steady progress to try to learn and establish his boundaries, and one tired, injured night can’t be allowed to ruin it. You continue at a reasonable volume, “You’re not. I would love to cuddle.” Downing the rest of your potion in one fell swoop, you scoot closer to him to show your enthusiasm.

“I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist, darling,” he says, bravado back in place, as if he hadn’t been wearing his undead heart on his sleeve a moment before. It hurts a little knowing that he needs the facade, but if it helps him navigate your relationship, you’re happy to accommodate. Besides, he’s working to differentiate between the Astarion he is when he’s only with you and the Astarion he is when others can hear. He leans in and follows up with a whispered, “Being cold was just an excuse you know.”

“Oh really?” you whisper back in fake-shock, closing the distance between you both with one final scoot. Your shoulders touch, and you sit side-by-side in the center of this makeshift camp.

One of his arms wraps around your shoulder, pulling you into his side, tucking your head toward him as he whispers a reply, “Yes, I actually just wanted to hold you for a bit. You know, before we jump to our doom.”

“Here I was just worrying, when we could have been sitting like this,” you say, wistfully. “I knew you were the smart one.”

He laughs into your hair, the sound echoes a bit through the room. The rest of your team looks over, though none comment on the mid-camp pile you’ve turned into. “It’s difficult to have brains and beauty, but someone on this team needs to bear that burden,” he says, loudly enough that most, if not all, of your group would be able to hear. You hear a snicker from Karlach and a groan from Gale, both otherwise are left blissfully alone.

You elbow him lightly, before wrapping an arm around his torso. Astarion squeezes you to him a bit tighter and places a feather-light kiss on your head. A comfortable silence settles over you as you both stare at the same crack in the floor you were enthralled with before. You break the silence with one of your musings, “What do you think we’ll find down there?”

“Death, destruction, that sort of thing,” he says, jokingly. You huff next to him and he kisses your head again. “Nothing you can’t handle.”

“How do you know?” you ask, bristling a bit at his ability to stay calm whilst you’re left plagued with doubts.

You can feel him shrug and his unused hand comes to rest on your face. He tilts your head toward him and away from the mesmerizing depths below. “I think if you’d ever met yourself you would understand.”

Your face heats under his gaze, his clear assuredness in you. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve only ever faced known creatures. The Absolute is distinctly unknown.” You know you sound pathetic, whiny. Somehow you know he won’t judge you for it.

Astarion holds your head a bit firmer in his hand, staring at you intently with his red eyes. “As long as we can stab it, I know you can kill it.”

“And if we can’t stab it?”

He frowns at that, as if he hadn’t considered this to be a possibility. “In that case, we may well be fucked.” Despite his words, he trills a laugh and his tone is downright cheery. You’re all at once reminded that this freedom, even with death looming on the horizon, is worth it all for him. That there are fates far worse than death waiting for your group– all you can do is make use of the time you have together.

You lean into his palm, the coolness of his skin grounding you to him. “Thank you, love.”

“For what?” he asks, confused. “I think you may have misheard me–”

Shaking your head into his hand, you interrupt. “No, I heard you. I think you’re just wiser than you give yourself credit for.”

“I’m beautiful, smart, and wise?” Astarion lolls his head back, drinking in your praise. “I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but please don’t stop.”

You roll your eyes at him, and duck away from his hand, placing your head on his shoulder in defeat. “There’s too much praise to be said, please let me rest.”

“Oh alright, my dear,” he says with a sigh. “There will be plenty more time for you to sing my acclaim after you lead us to victory tomorrow.”

His words fill you with a building warmth that goes beyond where your bodies touch. At first because of his belief in you, infallible and frightening. Then you think beyond that to what may happen come tomorrow, when you’ve dealt with the source of the Absolute once and for all. Will you be sitting in each others’ arms just like this? Will you be able to finally free him from Cazador and maybe even figure out your relationship outside of this mad dash for salvation? The idea of it excites you, and you sit with that thought for a long time, breathing in Astarion’s scent all the while.

Perhaps your breathing gets too steady or you’re silent for a tad too long, because the vampire stirs you after a bit. “Darling, are you awake?”

You shake your head, ignoring his question. You’re mostly awake, but too comfortable to budge.

“It’s getting late, love. Best get to rest. I don’t want you to fall asleep in front of our mortal enemies and embarrass me,” he chides.

You chuckle into his chest at the mental image, but lift your head all the same. “I promise not to embarrass you in front of our foes,” you swear solemnly. Then, a bit sheepishly, “Thank you, your shoulder was quite… restful.”

“Well, thank you for warming me up,” he responds. With a lighthearted laugh, he continues, “You’re like a person-sized heater.”

You smile at him, and preface your next statement carefully. “No pressure at all, love– But I hear having a heater in your bed at night can help with aches and pains. If you have anything that ails you ahead of tomorrow, I would be happy to warm up your bedroll.”

Astarion looks at you with a smirk and you know he understands your intent is innocent. “Trying to get into my bedroll before a life or death situation, I see. Who am I to deny my love?”

Once you’re ready for bed, he tugs you into his tent after him. Something about the warmth that lingers on his palm brings a silly little smile to your face.

You’ve stayed in his tent on occasion, yet there’s something extra snug about it tonight. Perhaps it’s because Astarion’s already warm from your body heat or the sturdy stone walls of the tower keep you insulated, but you’ve never felt more cozy. You fall asleep in his arms easily, each of your worries about the monsters below melting away with each breath of his that grazes your skin.

#astarion #astarion x tav #fanfic #astarion fic #astarion x reader #rogue + rogue #astarion fanfiction #astarion fanfic #astarion fluff #astarion masterlist #hugs for a vampire #hfav #gn reader #astarion x gn reader #astarion x gn!tav #astarion baldurs gate #bg3 astarion

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earthnashes · 10 months

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Fitness update time baybeeeeeeeee! I once again had to gather the balls to post the photos here so uh. Ye. :D

Like the last one, more details will be under the cut, but for the TL;DR crowd:

Last Update Here

Current: 177lbs | Estimated BMI: 24-26% | Push Pull Legs split at 6 Days a week

Notes: Training stimulus for this block focused on lifting basics and intensity: establishing a stronger mind-muscle connection and knowing how training to true mechanical failure feels like. Additional challenge: Finding maintenance calories and maintaining weight in the general range of 175-180lbs before re-attempting 1st Lean Bulk attempt.

Results: All lifts have seen an increase in working weight. Noticeably more muscle definition overall over the course of the last two months. Weight largely remained the same; assume maintenance calories has been accurately found.

Sooooooo the last two months have been kinda crazy. I took a look at my past lifting logbooks and found that despite my PRs being higher than the last recorded attempt, my overall working weights for all of my lifts hadn't really moved much. Partially out of fear of injury, but mostly due to the noticeable lack of real intensity in the training.

On top of that I found that my weight wasn't going down or up at the calories I was eating at, but my energy had begun to drop and recovery was suffering. Originally I was meant to be in my first bulk, but my weight never moved, and that ultimately resulted in me switching strategies for my nutrition too.

Basic idea: dial up the intensity, RPE of 8-9.5. Find true maintenance calories.

For nutrition: I used the TDEE calculator for my calories this time. It's supposedly more accurate than most other calorie calculators including MyFitnessPal's calculator, which gave me 2200 calories as my "bulk". Welp, turns out that's wrong; 2200 is my cutting number with my current activity level. And given how long I've been in a cut, it explained why, even in the deficit still, my weight never moved: it's too low to gain weight, and with how long I been in a deficit up until then my body was adapted too much to continue losing fat. So I instead switched focus onto finding my actual maintenance calories by immediately bumping my calories to the number the TDEE calculator gave me (2600 cal) and adjusting based on how my weight trend.

Result is, over the course of 2 months I gained 2 pounds but I'm certain this is almost entirely muscle (based on look, measurements, and performance in the gym); I've otherwise hadn't changed weight wise. This is good to know; it means I can eat more than I initially thought and gives me a stronger baseline for when I do actually go into a real bulk.

For training: First thing I focused on was my legs, which was arguably my weak link. This is largely due to an old injury in my left knee made it hard to reach full range of motion, and the strength discrepancy between my left and right leg because of it was pretty noticeable. Correcting it is one of the reasons why I switched to PPL training split, with Legs being trained first every cycle.

For both my legs and my isolation exercises I utilized unilateral versions of all my exercises; working each limb separately instead of together. I also incorporated a different set program: 2 working sets of 6-10 reps, 1-2 sets taken to true mechanical failure. The failure sets were meant for me to get used to the very uncomfortable sensation of training the muscle to- and past - it's actual limit and not my mental limit while maintaining proper form technique. That shit is rough, but it ensured that I was training with actual intensity and I was taking the muscle to true failure for growth, which in turn would help with building better muscle-mind connection with each muscle bilaterally and unilaterally.

For compounds I didn't take any of the lifts to true failure due to the higher fatigue and recovery toll. Instead I focused on building strength skill, so the set program was: 1 Topset (heaviest set of the exercise) 1-3 reps, 2 working sets for 5-8 reps. Any hypertrophy work for these lifts were always done with machine accessories for stability and safety.

Results thus far has seen my overall strength increasing, my knee is much stronger and stable (tested my squats and I can safely squat my own bodyweight without pain or wobbling, which is a feat due to being unable to do that months ago), and I confidently can say I have better form and idea of intensity.

-------

SO! With all of that said I'd say this block was overall a success after much trial and error. Now that I've gotten a better idea of a few things, my next move right now is to take a deload week for some much needed rest, then structure my next block for a more strength focus alongside my 2nd attempt at an actual lean bulk. The goal is to gain at least 4-5 pounds of muscle by the beginning of next year and make a new maxout for my PRs, so I might look a lil soft the next time I do a progress report but hopefully I'll be much stronger and ready for my second cutting phase.

This shit is hard, but I'm loving it to death man. I'm having a lot of fun learning and going through the journey and now I can confidently say that I'm at the Intermediate stage of lifting! I also think I know the type of weightlifter I am now. I've heard the term "powerbuilding" a few times now and I feel it fits; primarily lifting to build strength, but also throwing in some bodybuilding rhetoric for aesthetics.

Like I said a while back I'm seriously considering recording my workouts and posting those as I go on my Instagram, and I've actually bought a lil phone stand to practice recording and being more comfortable in front of the camera. We'll see how that goes I suppose!

But uhhhhh YE! That's all my yapping for now. Thank you for listening, and if you have any fitness goals feel free to share them with me! :)

#weightlifting #powerlifting #powerbuilding #ash talks #earthsong talks

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n3xii · 11 months

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Whats next in your love life?

hey guys i havent been back in a while but im here with a pick a card reading detailing whats next in your love life and what you should focus on, heres the images you can use to pick your pile!!

Masterlist (personal readings)

PILE ONE

cards- ten of swords, the moon reversed the king of swords reversed, the three of wands reversed and the ten of cups reversed

I feel that this pile has undergone a significant endings or realization in their love life and theyre still trying to make sense of everything moving forward. you’re struggling to maintain harmony and a sense of togetherness because of communication issues, paranoia, secrets being revealed, lack of trust etc. I feel this pile has delt with manipulative, dishonest people in their past and releasing yourself from the web of confusion has been difficult. you’re struggling to overcome the trust issues you’ve been left with and it feels difficult to open up to people again, so what im seeing is a healing process with ups and downs, im seeing you recovering but still adjusting to being open a vulnerable, im seeing you being less avoidant but still keeping to yourself and finding a balance, you dont want to come out of the shadows but you're still adjusting to the warmth which is good. healing is not linear or instant. I feel like with the ten of cups here reversed, this fear of trusting people again has casued you to feel disconnected not just from potential partners/current partners, but also from your close loved ones. im picking up on someone who feels withdrawn and almost apathetic, dealing with the raw emotions of something has been dauting and withdrawing feels safer. but i am seeing you progress and be more open as you heal moving forward. <3

PILE TWO

cards - chariot reversed, the ten of pentacles reversed, the hanged man, the ace of cups, the king of swords, the lovers reversed, the 7 of wands, the 8 of wands

alrighty im seeing a situation where you currently feel lost and directionless when to comes to career and long term prospects, you’ve been taking a passive seat and view of this realm of life. im seeing that change because a new relationship forming, this person is clear headed, direct, mature, assertive and im seeing that being around this person will have a contagious effect on you that inspires you to take a stand in your life. they will isnpire you to align everything that is currently not compatible with the future you want to create. im feeling that this person helps you make major life choices that impact your life path, and they help you take a more aggressive stand on things that are important to you. this person will be very inspiring and provoke you to take more action in your life, im seeing that this person will provoke you to take more control over the direction of your aspirations and goals. they will help you mentally clear out junk and get a more focused mindset.

PILE THREE

cards- the two of cups reversed, the knight of cups reversed, the emperor reversed, justice, wheel of fortune, the 6 of swords reversed, the hierophant and the moon

theres someone coming in with a horrible attitude towards love, they’re a masculine with immature qualities, emotional immaturity and they feel like someone who thinks treating their partner with adoration and love is ‘’below’’ them. they are restiant to take the lead and be expressive of their emotions so their resistance to be emotionally open creates unequal exchange of energy and feelings. if you deal with this person they will be unclear and conusing to deal with. With the justice and wheel of fortune card, im seeing this person get their ass handed to them karmically basically, their time of accountability is coming and the universe will teach them a lesson. For some of you this is a message that someone you know that treated you like this in the past will be getting their divine timing of karma soon, but regardless of how this resonates with you, this person will remain restiant to learning and elevating, they will stay the same and their illusions will still influence them. so if this is a person trying to come back this is a message for some people not to go back to the past, keep your priotries on whats right for you and your relationship values.

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sobeautifullyobsessed · 26 days

Text

A Khan By Any Other Name

a prequel to Star Trek: Into Darkness

mystery, suspense, danger ~ romance & NSFW material to follow

summary: Seraphina DiPietro is wise in the ways of the world; she has to be, as she travels the California coast as a torch singer in pubs, bars, and nightclubs. She knows how to take care of herself and stay out of trouble--most of the time. When trouble comes, it's usually because she lets her kind heart overrule her common sense. Stopping to check on a handsome stranger stranded roadside in the Mojave Desert, her curiousity is piqued as much by his classic, mint-looking Mustang, as by its driver--a tall, dark, mysterious drink of water, whom she quickly learns is so much more than he appears.

characters: Khan Noonien Singh (aka: John Harrison), Seraphina DiPietro (OC)

words: 1.9k

Chapter Two

“Drop it now,” he repeated, with the sure authority of a man accustomed to having his orders obeyed, “And I promise I will not hurt you.”

Despite his iron grip, Seraphina struggled to pull her arm away, hissing through teeth gritted against the pain, “Won’t hurt me? You’re hurting me now.”

Harrison’s hold on her arm loosened some; she was still tightly caught, but the pressure of his grasp, the pain, had receded a fair bit—although she knew she’d find dark, finger-shaped bruises there in short order. If she even lived that long. “Forgive me,” he told her, his voice low and even, “I’d forgotten how fragile your bones can be.”

What an odd thing to say, she thought, straining for release from his clutch and realizing it was all too impossible; she was no match for his strength, and even if she could manage to trigger the mace, she had no sure way to aim it properly. She felt desperate, frightened tears well up in her eyes, but squeezed her eyes shut against them—for she would not give her assailant the satisfaction of her despair, nor would she beg for mercy.

He must’ve read that quiet resignation on her face, for he tugged her fist close and covered it with his free hand, urging her to see reason, “You cannot win this struggle, Seraphina. Your resistance is futile; surely you understand this?” Harrison’s voice was silk persuasion, rich and dark and seductive—at complete odds with the very real threat he presented. “I could easily break your wrist and prize your little weapon from your fingers—but I honestly have no desire to hurt you. Just let it go.” And then, to her great surprise, he added, “Please.”

Blinking through the tears that fell against her will, tears that betrayed weakness when she wanted to be strong, Seraphina met his eyes again. His beautiful, deadly eyes—and saw in them an unexpected sincerity that matched his gentle “please”. She bowed her head and opened her fist, leaving her key and the can of mace to fall onto the passenger seat.

“There—that wasn’t so difficult after all, was it?” Why was his voice so soothing? Fear of what he might do to her next coursed through her veins, yet Seraphina thought she could easily crumple to the ground, curl up into a fetal ball, and let his voice see her into untroubled darkness. The heat, the fear, the adrenaline, the struggle—all of it had sapped her of the will to face whatever might come next. She’d always believed it wasn’t in her nature to fall apart so quickly, but she felt that way now, all the same.

True to his word, Harrison released her arm, but Seraphina remained in place, braced against the passenger side door, shaking in the aftermath and considering her very limited options. She might try to make it to her hovercraft, but the stranger now held her key; and even if she had the strength to run and the speed to outpace him, to flee into the desert at her back would be equally as brutal as anything he might do to her. She'd have to make her stand right here, then--and though she was no match for his size and strength, she knew enough to leave him hurting before he took her down for good.

Taking stock of her condition--mentally preparing to fight him off as best she could--Seraphina flexed her left wrist carefully, wincing as she explored her tender forearm with cautious fingers. Nothing broken at least, though she felt a bone-deep ache; but it would not be enough to hamper any effort to defend herself.

Strangely, Harrison was ignoring her at the moment; having retrieved her keychain, he had torn the can of mace free with no effort, before hurtling it carelessly into the desert. Seraphina had a vivid image of her own broken, half-naked body flung just as easily and left upon the sand for carrion-eaters to feast upon. She shoved the idea down deep, knowing such fear would only cripple her--and was immediately dumbfounded when he held the key out to her.

"Did I not say I have no wish to harm you?" Harrison's eyes bored into her own, searching for calm and reasoned understanding. "In spite of how it appears, we are equally vulnerable in this place and situation. We must find a way to trust one another. " Sera only continued to regard him warily. "Take this," he insisted, "If I judge you correctly, simple concern for a traveler in need motivated you to stop. And in keeping with your nature, I believe that you will not deny me the help that I need."

Sera studied his face, looking for signs of deception, skittish to trust him but accepting his peace offering nevertheless. "You lied," she said, defiant yet holding her anger at bay, "This car isn't yours..."

Harrison nodded, his full lips pressed together against a small placid smile, "I never claimed that it was..."

"It's stolen," she fumed, irritated with herself for allowing him to so easily mislead her when her first instinct had been correct after all.

"An act of desperation, I assure you..."

"Just as this was," she exclaimed, extending her bruised forearm to him, "I have to wonder what happens to people who truly stand in your way, Mr. Harrison. "

Unruffled by her outburst, Harrison closed his eyes a moment and breathed deeply. When he looked to her again, he was the picture of patience. "I swear I have no desire to cause you--or anyone else--harm. But you must understand, I am in dire straits and as we linger here, my family is in imminent danger." He paused, weighing the effect of his words upon her. "Such a thing will make a man act beyond the measures of polite society."

Seraphina narrowed her eyes, skeptical of his revelation of a family, but suspending her disbelief for the moment, "How then? What sort of danger is your family in?"

"Their very lives hang in the balance, threatened by a powerful man who seeks to manipulate me into working for him." Embers of hate flashed in his eyes, and he gave a bitter huff as he added, "Forcing me to work toward the most nefarious of purposes."

Sera shook her head, clearing the double vision that had crept up on her; she cupped a trembling hand against her forehead, which came away slick with perspiration. It was the heat getting to her, obviously. She felt parched, although the thought of putting anything into her roiling stomach left her feeling even more nauseous, and her head was pounding in time with her racing pulse. She needed to get out of the goddamn heat before she collapsed from heat exhaustion--while the man before her looked completely unaffected by the desert climate. "And...and I suppose this mysterious man is so powerful that you can't seek help from the proper authorities?" Sera leaned all her weight against the car door, wondering if Harrison had noticed her current state of distress.

If he did, he gave no sign of it, a mix of pain and rancor coloring his strikingly handsome features. "So powerful that it would be in your best interest to remain ignorant as to his identity and position." Anticipating her next question, he warned her, "Do not ask--for I cannot reveal that information."

Though stymied by his vague replies--and sensing a much more complicated tale behind what he'd already admitted to--Sera read blunt honesty in his voice and body language. And the fact that he had willingly returned her key while asking for--rather than demanding--her help, seemed a testament to some underlying truth. She realized that she likely had only a few more minutes until she passed out, leaving her completely at Harrison's mercy. "Then how...how did you end up here, stranded in the Mojave," Sera asked, panting softly, "How does any of this help your family?"

He was watching her closely now, so that he had to aware that she was fading fast. "That is a rather long and complicated tale, Seraphina." His voice had again taken on a lulling pitch. "One which I believe would outlast your capacity to remain on your feet."

She held on to the window frame, white-knuckled but determined to remain upright long enough to learn his hidden agenda. "I'm fine...I...I'm just a little light-headed..."

"Step aside now, Seraphina." Again, that tone of a man whose orders were obeyed without question. "You have little time left before you lose consciousness." His hand was already on the door handle, and she stumbled back in time for him to swing the door open.

Then he was looming over her, a tall, cooling shadow, reaching out to brace her. His touch this time was firm, while surprisingly gentle. "We need to get you out of this heat." Unexpected concern in is stunning eyes, calming concern in his voice. The man was a beautiful enigma.

"No...please...tell me. If...if you want me to trust you..." Her world was darkening around the edges, narrowing so that only his face remained in her field of vision. "If you want me to help...I need...I need to know..." Seraphina felt herself going, and as her consciousness fled, so did her fear and curiousity; only one need remained. She sobbed against him as he scooped her up into his arms, "But you promised...you promised not to hurt me again..." Her eyes fluttered shut as she slipped away from awareness.

Harrison strode swiftly towards her hovercraft, cradling her as softly as he could, knowing that the cool, dark interior was the quickest remedy at hand for what ailed her. "Oh, pretty little Seraphina," he murmured, brushing his lips against her dampened hair, inhaling the sweet scent of jasmine and honey, relishing how light and easy she felt in his arms. "Hurting you is the least likely thing I have planned."

(to be continued)

If you enjoyed this, please reblog ~ it's the only way others can see this work.💟

tagging: @icytrickster17 @ironstrange1991 @strangelockd @groovy-lady @aphroditesdilemma @stewardofningishzida @battledress @mousedetective @dearmrsstephenstrange @lorelei-lee @mckiwi @shinebrightlikeafanbase @cumberbatchitis @doctorhelm @strangeflashholmes221 @prulock @stargirl-designs @hajile10 @dancingmushu @iloveavengersblog @fireonmybones @osugahunnyicedtea @brayleigh14

(There were a few more blogs that I tried to tag based on the response to chapter one, but tumblr's messed up url search function kept telling me 'no blog found'🤨)

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folkookie97 · 2 months

Text

❝ at least for tonight ❞ — KTH

— SUMMARY: ❝ You're the new Victor of the Hunger Games. You survived, you're still alive. But at what cost? Your boyfriend – and also your Mentor – broke the one promise he shouldn't have to. ❞

— PAIRING: mentor!Taehyung x female tribute!reader

— TYPE: angst | hunger games!au, dystopia!au

— WORD COUNT: 720

— WARNINGS/TAGS: Hunger Games Setting, ambiguous/open ending, established relationship, implied/referenced character death, POV Second Person, survivor guilt, slightly PTSD, Sad!Taehyung, i wrote this while listening to Come in With the Rain (Taylor Swift)

— NOTES¹: Tributes receive Mentors who can contribute (or may not) to their win. And their Mentors are generally Victors from previous Hunger Games editions. You and Taehyung are the same age. You were dating even before his name was drawn in another Reaping, when he became a Victor. And a few years later he was your Mentor too.

— NOTES²: I wrote this inspired by one of my own old Everlark oneshots, but I changed 90% of the plot loool. Anyway, if you like it, maybe I can write more Hunger Games AU or at least develop more on this one (and make it a series in the future...)

— RELEASE DATE: March 05, 2024

— CROSSPOSTING: ao3

You never liked storms. However, the situation had been getting worse in recent months, when rainy days like that brought lots of thunder with them. Noisy thunder. Noises that resembled explosions.

And a premeditated explosion in the Arena was what killed your younger brother in the last Games. Wasn't it? At least that's what you had the displeasure of seeing several times during that stupid Victory Tour. Rewatching the same death over and over again.

Rewatching your little brother's death.

The clock struck 4:56 A.M, but the storm prevented you from closing your eyes or even thinking about trying to sleep. Fear ached in your body. Fear of falling asleep and having more nightmares about your brother. Or about Taehyung too. Just like almost every night since you and him returned to Victors' Village.

You tossed and turned on the bed, trying hard to withstand your torment. Searching for efforts to stop the screams from leaving your throat.

And it was then that your heard the first knock on the entrance door.

At first, you thought it was a hallucination, some consequence after so many nightmares. So when you noticed that everything around you remained the same, you imagined that it could be just a bird hurt by the rain.

However, the second knock came. Stronger than the previous one and more hopeless too.

Maybe the wisest thing to do would be to curl up in your blankets again. But your impulsiveness managed to overcome all your logical and rational thoughts. Wisdom and emotional intelligence wasn't something you had in a long time since since you became the winner of the Hunger Games' recent edition.

When the third knock sounded, you was already standing in front of the door. Heart racing, your eyes squinting and your eyebrows furrowed.

"Darling?" The sight in front of you also seemed like a hallucination. A much more striking hallucination than that knock door. "You okay?"

"Taehyung?" His name fell from your lips without any effort, even though your hadn't said it in a few weeks. "Why are you here?"

God! You mentally cursed yourself for saying such words, the sentence coming out harsher than you expected. So, not knowing how to apologize and being tormented by the boy's sad look in your direction, you opened the door a little wider and allowed him to enter.

Taehyung thanked you quietly as he entered your living room, his clothes soaked and his squeaky boots getting messy all the way.

"What happened? Why you get rained on just to come here? It's dangerous! You could get sick!"

You felt your hands start sweating while Taehyung bit his lip and looked at the floor.

"I wanted to know if you were okay. The storm is very heavy today and I know it brings you more nightmares." The boy had some tears in his eyes when he looked at you, sneezing once at the end of the sentence and bringing a flash of pain to your heart. "Darling, I'm so sorry."

Feeling sorry was something very all-encompassing. What was he sorry for? Your brother's death? Your nightmares? Being the mentor to the "siblings tributes" and choosing attract more sponsors for you, his girlfriend, than your brother? Even though you had begged Taehyung after the Reaping to focus on letting you die.

You never wanted to be a Victor. It was your little brother who deserved it and who he should be. And maybe he would have been, if you hadn't fallen in love with Taehyung before his own Games' victory.

Yeah, you two had a lot to talk about. And Taehyung really had a lot to apologize for. But deep down you knew you couldn't kick him out of your house in the rain.

You sighed, approaching Taehyung with slow steps, touching his arm and giving him a light caress. "Go take a shower to warm up. I still have some of your clothes in my new closet."

Taehyung's eyes widened and his cheeks flushed. "You want me to spend the night here? Are you sure?"

"Not really. I still hate you for not keeping your promises. Maybe I'll hate you forever. But we both need each other at least for tonight..."

A sad smile emerged on his lips after he sighed. "Yeah... At least for tonight."

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damn-stark · 4 months

Text

Chapter 23 You’re an Angel, I’m a dog

Chapter 23 of Sugar

A/N- WAIT WAIT— “I’ll never be a son.” And “I’ll never be his favorite son.” Fits Choso and mc to a tea especially in this chapter!!!

Warning- Swearing, ANGST, FLUFF, spoilers, NFSW? Not really though it’s light, talks of miscarriage, SLOW BURN, heavy pining, long chapter

Pairing- Choso x Gojo!fem-reader, Suguru Geto x Gojo!fem-reader

Takes place during- Chapters 145 & 146, and the beginning portion of 203 & 207, of the Manga

(Let me know if you want to be tagged)

————

This is Tengen? This tall pale thing?

You always imagined they’d be more majestic looking considering how old they are and the responsibility they hold, but they look more like a pale four-eyed alien.

“Aren’t you gonna say hello to me Tengen?” Yuki remarks after she was left out of his sudden greeting.

“This isn’t the first time we’ve met Yuki Tsukumo.” They finally address her and they sound annoyed. “Why did you close off the tombs of the Star Corridor? I was afraid you might be in alignment with Kenjaku. After all, I cannot see into the human heart.”

Kenjaku? Who the hell is Kenjaku?

“Kenjaku?” You probe and slide your hands off Choso’s arms now that your fear has subsided.

“The sorcerer who was Noritoshi Kamo and is now inhabiting the body of Suguru Geto,” Tengen shares.

“That name suggests compassion and salvation. Gimme a break,” Yuki snaps.

“Master Tengen, why do you look like that?” Itadori suddenly interrupts, making your eyes widen with bewilderment.

“Itadori,” you scold.

“What?” He asks you over his shoulder as if that question isn’t obviously rude to ask someone.

“You can’t ask someone that,” you whisper sharply. “Even if they are centuries old. You can’t ask that.”

“I was just curious.”

“I may be immortal,” Tengen cuts in, making both Itadori and you look forward, but that was a mistake considering they tug on a creepy-looking smile. “But I'm not immune to aging. After 500 years, you’d look like this too.”

You scrunch your nose in disgust and mentally groan.

You’d rather die than look like that.

“Eleven years ago, after failing to merge with a Star Plasma Vessel.”

“Riko Amanai,” you cut in bitterly, making all eyes fall on you, including all four of Tengen’s—“considering she died trying to get to you, why don’t you have the decency to actually say her name.”

Tengen looks into your eyes, and no matter how intimidating they actually look, you don’t falter, you challenge them and stand by your ground.

“Riko Amanai,” they give in. “After I failed to merge with her my aging accelerated and my self-awareness as an individual diminished. The very world became myself.”

“And that’s why your “voice” doesn’t proliferate,” Yuki adds before Fushiguro raises his hand and politely interjects.

“Excuse me, but…”

“We came to ask about Kenjaku’s objectives,” Okkotsu continues for Fushiguro. “And how to open the prison realm. Will you tell us what you know?”

Your face drops the annoyed hardened expression and paints on a hopeful one as you wait for a solution to your brother's predicament.

“I wish I could simply say yes,” Tengen crushes your hopes. “But there is one condition. Yuta Okkotsu, Yuki Tsukumo, Y/N Gojo…”

Huh?

“…and the Death Painting Womb. Three of you must remain here to serve as my guards.”

You roll your eyes and press your hands on your hips as your annoyance returns.

For someone so mighty they still surely sound human.

And why do they need guards?

“Guards? Aren’t you immortal?” Okkotsu steals the words out of your mind.

“Are you worried about the seal?” Maki chimes in.

“No fair!” Yuki whines. “You haven’t even told us why or for how long we’d have to do it!”

“So then shall I speak of Kenjaku?” Tengen ignores Yuki and everyone else. “His objective is to force the evolution of all human beings throughout the land of Japan.

You nod. “Yeah, yeah, he yapped on about that,” you interject. “We want to know exactly what he intends. Why didn’t he use your barrier that time and turn everyone in Japan into sorcerers via Idle transfiguration?”

“He lacks the cursed energy to do that,” Tengen says. “Cursed energy that has been refined through Uzumaki cannot return to the sorcerer...”

Well, you knew that because of Suguru. You just thought Kenjaku would be different considering he’s old and he has the technique to jump into others’ bodies.

“…triggering an evolution in each individual with a cursed technique is incredibly inefficient. The method of evolution that Kenjaku has chosen is the merging of humankind and me.”

Is that…even possible?

“Is that even possible?” Itadori voices your same concern but in a much louder way.

“Isn’t that impossible for anyone but a Star Plasma vessel?” Fushiguro mutters his question.

“Yes,” Tengen nods. “The way I was before, but now that I have evolved for the past 11 years it would not be impossible for me to merge with someone other than a Star Plasma Vessel.”

Then they should have probably tried to protect Amanai more.

“But you’re only one person right?” Choso asks. “How could you merge with multiple people?”

“I am not what you see before you at the moment,” Tengen explains, making your eyebrows knot with confusion. “My evolved soul exists all around us. As I said, my self is now the world itself. A human who merges with me transforms into something greater than a sorcerer, as a new being that is both there and not there. I posses barrier techniques so I am able to maintain this form and self-control even after evolving. However,” they input. “If humankind evolves, and even if only one person rages out of control the world will end.”

You swallow thickly out of discomfort and shift your stance.

“Why?” Yuki inquiries.

“There would be no boundaries between individuals,” Tengen says. “So evil would spread instantaneously. The impurity of a hundred million people would flood the world. What just happened to Tokyo would happen to the entire world.”

“Why would Kenjaku do that?” You ask for the curious group.

Tengen shrugs stiffly. “I do not know. As I said, I cannot read the human heart.”

Hm.

“So why don’t you just refuse to merge?” Maki asks something that should be simple to solve. Tengen wouldn't be needing guards if it was that simple.

“That is the problem,” Tengen proves you right. “Now that I have evolved I am more cursed spirit than human being. That makes me a target for cursed spirit manipulation.”

You gasp in disbelief and your world then falls silent, and all you can think about is if Miguel was right.

“Considering Kenjaku’s ability as a sorcerer he might be able to seize me the moment we encounter each other,” Tengen continues. “That is why my main body is rejecting everything at the tombs of the star corridor.”

Was it your fault? All this? All because you couldn’t even look at his body after he died?

“And the reason you want guards, right?” Okkotsu asks, making Tengen nod in agreement.

“Yes. Kenjaku is the second-most powerful barrier user after me. I don’t know when he will undo the seal of the tombs.”

Tengen surely fails to answer a lot of questions.

“Why now?” You step forward to ask with growing concern. “Kenjaku prevented a merging with a Star Plasma Vessel and forced your evolution, and wants to consume and control you through cursed manipulation.”

“Apparently he was also involved with Sukuna,” Yuki bounces in. “So he’s been a sorcerer for at least 1,000 years, so why now?”

“I,” Tengen points at their chest. “The Star Plasma Vessel, and the Six Eyes, are all connected by fate.”

You blink and slowly your confusion is replaced by disbelief while realization slowly seeps through.

“In the past, Kenjaku has twice lost to sorcerers of the Six Eyes. The second time, he took no chances and killed the Star Plasma Vessel and Six Eyes less than one month after they were born. Nonetheless, on the day of merging, the Six Eyes and Star Plasma Vessel appeared.”

“Which is why he sealed my brother away, I assume,” you interject with your thoughts.

“Yes, after that Kenjaku switched to sealing instead of eradicating the Six Eyes and began searching for the Prison Realm,” Tengen shares nonchalantly. “Because two bearers of the Six Eyes cannot appear at the same time.”

Hm. Well, thank the stars for that.

“But then the unexpected happened 11 years ago when Toji Zen’in intervened. He was physically gifted through heavenly restriction and on top of that he was an anomaly who had escaped from cursed energy.”

You try not to but you steal a glance at the son of Toji Zen’in, whom doesn’t know thanks to your brother's lack of sharing. It explains his lack of reaction now too because of it.

It sucks! You need him to know already!

“As a human being who had escaped fate through the power of restriction, he destroyed our destinies,” Tengen goes on. “Then came along a boy with cursed manipulation.”

You drop your eyes and frown sadly at the ground.

“Suddenly all the pieces had come together except for the prison realm. Then even that fell into his hands six years ago.”

Almost like fate. Cruel fate.

“So why is the Culling Games happening?” Fushiguro asks, a bit distressed.

“It is like breaking the body prior to merging,” Tengen tells all of you. “It is not impossible to merge with someone other than a star plasma vessel but is highly unlikely and would be incomplete at present. The Culling Games uses the players’ cursed energy and the boundaries binding barriers in a ritual for conveying the human beings of the country to the other side. Through that custom, he will begin the merging with me. However, in order to perform such ritual, Kenjaku has undertaken certain binding vows.”

You know your answer to Tengen’s previous request now. It’s costly for you because you don’t want to be stuck and play a waiting game, but with Okkotsu here, now you can focus on getting Satoru out. So you drown out what they have to say about the Culling Games. If you have to somehow participate in them then you’ll ask for the rules and conditions then.

All that truly matters about them is that the games will continue until every player is dead or until they all refuse to play and die, and that killing Kenjaku won’t stop the games; so that plan is diminished.

You only bring your attention back when Tengen cuts Itadori off to get the answer out of who will stay

“I will stay,” Yuki, Choso, and you volunteer at the same time, making you happy that you don’t have to be stuck with Okkotsu, and that you’ll spend more time with Choso….and Yuki!

You shouldn’t be so enthusiastic, you have your protests after all, but your heart can’t help but jump.

“Yuji, you absolutely need Okkotsu’s or this woman’s cooperation,” Choso interjects seriously so Itadori can understand his brotherly concern. “Especially if Noritoshi Kamo—if Kenjaku comes for Tengen. Ending his life means salvation for my little brothers.”

“And rest for Suguru’s body,” you input your decision, gaining the attention of the room. “So I’ll stay here to help kill Kenjaku, and get the answer on how to get Satoru out.”

“And I’m not done talking to Tengen,” Yuki shares her reasoning for staying. “Is that all right, Okkotsu?”

Okkotsu nods and his eyes almost gleam with relief and joy. “Yeah! I don’t want to leave the others.”

You focus your eyes on Okkotsu and squint slightly before you interject in a menacing voice. “Okkotsu, you help Itadori, understand? Keep the promise you made to my brother.”

Okkotsu eyes quickly find you and his relief and excitement are quick to fall and be replaced by discomfort and nerves.

“Y-yes ma'am,” he quickly assures you, causing you to scoff and then look away to avoid looking at him more than you have to.

“Thank you,” Tengen once again speaks as they begin to reach in a black portal. “This…” they trail off and pull out a dull-looking box with a stitch on one side. “…is necessary for freeing Satoru Gojo.”

You perk up and slowly fill with hope and relief.

“It is the back of the Prison Realm.”

You blink and shift your gaze back to Tengen. “Back?” You question.

“I’ve never heard of that,” Yuki muses.

“You mean like a back gate?” Itadori is finally the first to understand something instead of being the first one to probe.

“Yes, that is right,” Tengen agrees as he keeps the back gate in their large hand. “Before Kenjaku found it, the prison realm was outside my barrier. I believe it was overseas. By sealing this rear gate, I was hiding the existence of the “front”, but it was no use. Satoru Gojo Is also sealed inside the rear gate.”

“Then if we open it can we—”

“No,” Tengen breaks Itadori’s hopes. “The authority to open the gate rests with Kenjaku as the bearer of the “front”.”

Which gives you more reason to stay!

“Breaking it open requires either the inverted spear of Heaven that nullifies cursed techniques or the black rope that disrupts and cancels cursed technique effects.”

The back rope? Miguel’s destroyed black rope?

“But Satoru Gojo sealed the inverted spear of heaven overseas 11 years ago…or destroyed it! Why’d you do that Gojo!” Itadori exclaims and Fushiguro follows to do the same.

“And last year Satoru Gojo got rid of all the black rope! Why’d that guy do that?!”

Okkotsu laughs nervously and you bring your hand up to bite the tip of your manicured nail since you can’t smoke inside.

“Miguel went to Africa in search of more black rope,” you share with the group. “But he found none…isn’t that right, Okkotsu?”

Okkotsu nods. “Yes, it was a fruitless effort.”

You groan and snap your gaze to Tengen. “But there is a way? Right?”

“Yes,” Tengen lets you sigh with relief. “Among the players participating in the Culling Games is a sorcerer from a thousand years ago who calls herself Angel. Her cursed technique can extinguish any cursed energy.”

“She can extinguish cursed techniques?” Fushiguro questions.

“Yes,” Tengen reinstates. “The Angel’s cursed technique can open the “back” of the prison realm.”

“Do you know where she is?” You ask.

“The colony in the east side of Tokyo,” Tengen surprises you by saying, it seems they tend to not know a lot of important answers. “The game barriers reject me, so I don’t have any more information,” he finishes as he puts the back gate back in their portal, leaving Satoru out of arm's reach.

Yeah, you can’t get him out without the sorcerer and her technique, but you were comforted by the fact that he was close, that you could see a part of his prison, but he’s gone again. And so your worry regrows.

Choso seems to notice your disappointment and very gently pats your shoulder.

His gesture surprises you considering you’re the only one who’s given physical touch, but you welcome his comforting touch and thank him with a small but sweet smile as Tengen starts to give more information on the Culling Games. Something you probably won’t participate in because you’ll be here, so you hardly listen.

You know that if you enter a certain colony you’ll be added as a player, players get points by killing other players, and if that player's points remain the same then they could lose their technique. That's all you really gather as your mind goes back to Suguru and your impossible choice.

Guilt begins to bloom where there wasn’t any, while Miguel’s words echo in your mind.

“And you were supposed to cremate Geto’s body,”

If you had picked his body off the ground before you left, all this could have been avoided. All these problems and these outcomes would have not existed if you had given him a proper funeral. But you got swept up in your emotions and left him there.

He would’ve taken your body, Miguel was right about that too, but you couldn’t do the same. Now this is all your fault…your parents…were right…you are a weak link.

“Y/N, Yuki, and Choso will remain here to guard Master Tengen,” Maki snaps your attention back to the room. “I will return to the Zen’in clan and collect cursed tools. Soon after Satoru Gojo was sealed the Kamo and Zen’in clans cleaned out Jujutsu High's cursed warehouse. But Megumi is now the Zen’in clan's leader.”

“What?!” Itadori exclaims.

“I’ll explain later,” Fushiguro mutters to his friend.

“Thanks to that, it’s possible to search the Zen’in warehouse at length, but first, Master Tengen?”

You look between the two completely lost on what’s going on.

“Understood,” Tengen interjects. “Juzo Kumiya’s workshop right?”

“Are you sure you don’t want to go with Itadori?” You ask Choso as the kids discuss their plans. “Yuki and I can handle your father.”

Choso looks over at you at his side and responds. “I have to be the one to kill my father for what he’s done to my brothers. It's the only way they can be at peace. You,” he redirects. “Your people don’t need you? You’ve been gone from home for a while. And your daughter, will she be okay?”

The corner of your lips twitch to a smile as you hear his concern. “Yes, my people will be fine, I trust the people that are in charge, and Satori will be fine where she is,” you let him know. “We’ll just have to miss each other for a bit longer, but this is for the greater or good.” You sigh deeply.

“Hm, she’ll understand,” he tries to assure you.

“Yeah,” you whisper. “I hope.” You swallow thickly.

“Yeah, you guys go to Kinji as planned,” you hear Maki direct at Fushiguro, making you drift your attention back to the group of kids.

“Kinji?” Itadori asks for a person he could’ve met but didn’t because he was in his room the entire day.

“Kinji Hakari, a suspended third year,” Okkotsu lets Itadori know.

“Anyway we’re short-handed,” Maki adds. “So we got to rope in whoever we can.”

“Is that guy tough?” Itadori returns to the conversation about Hakari even after Maki tried to end it.

“Well,” you give your opinion. “He’s moody.”

Itadori slowly churns his head and looks at you with wide curious eyes. “You know him too?” He asks.

Choso and you share a teasing look, and then you nod. “Yes, he went to the house on the first. Not that you would know...”

“You were locked in your room,” Choso finishes your sentence.

Itadori narrows his gaze and looks between Choso and you as if trying to figure out what the two of you are getting at with your in-sync conversation.

“When he’s worked up, he’s stronger than I am.” Okkotsu shares, but he’s quickly turned down by Maki’s sly comment.

“That’s not true.”

You’d tell Itadori and Fushiguro to tell Hakari and Kirara that you sent them, even if you didn’t, but that advice wouldn’t be much help. So you just keep that to yourself and instead share something else that can help. “Hakari and Kirara are in an abandoned multistory parking lot in the Tochigi prefecture. He’s making money by becoming a bookmaker for gambling matches.”

“Gambling matches?” Itadori cuts in confused.

You nod with a proud smirk tugging on your lips. “Fights between sorcerers.”

Itadori’s eyebrows only furrow deeper. “What? That’s crazy. How do you know?”

“I’m his and Kirara's mentor. And when it comes to the fights I helped them finance the club.”

“Hm, so you’re like the Godmother?” He says without need for explanation which makes you excited.

“Yes!”

Itadori’s jaw drops and he leans over. “Do you fight?”

You grin and show off. “I’m their jackpot, honey.”

You don’t fight often, you’ve only fought a couple of times, but when you do fight you use your family name so there's always an anticipating crowd and a lot of money.

“The spectators are…” Fushiguro trails off for you to finish.

“Basically non-sorcerers.”

Both he and Itadori look at you shocked.

“Doesn’t that severely infringe upon the Jujutsu rules article 8, which is to keep confidentiality?”

You scoff and quip, “so what?”

Fushiguro and Maki both look at you with annoyance and they both mutter, “she’s just like her brother.”

Ew.

You scrunch your nose in disgust at their comparison, but you don’t say anything, you just give Fushiguro and Itadori one warning. “Among the participants of the gambling matches are some curse users, so be careful.”

Itadori is quick to nod and assure you. “Got it!”

You smile at him and Fushiguro and say your goodbye. “Take care of each other, hm?”

Fushiguro spares you a glance and gives you a stiff nod before he turns to leave with the other two, whilst Itadori gives you a thumbs up and follows the others out.

Albeit he then turns and calls out, “Choso!”

You look at said man with excitement for him, and he rightfully looks surprised by the call of his name from his little brother, but he’s quick to interject sweetly and with a charming grin. “Don’t die, okay?”

“Thanks. I appreciate it,” Itadori says before he throws Choso a wave, causing the nonchalant man to cover his face with his hand right away and sniffle?

Is he crying?

You give him all your attention and confirm your suspicion right away when you see his shoulders shake, and a tear slip past his large palm.

Yuki sees the same thing but she looks confused, whereas you can’t help but smile in admiration.

“Are you crying?” Yuki probes.

Choso waves her off, and you giggle and pat his shoulder to share your pride for the development with his brother.

“Oh, you could die happy now couldn't you, Cho?” You tease him as you lean your head over his shoulder.

He sniffles. “Just about.”

You chuckle and give his shoulder a squeeze.

At the feeling of your touch, he pulls his hand off his face and looks back at you with a watery gaze. “Can you believe it?”

You flash him a grin and nod. “I saw it. I’m sorry I couldn’t take a picture or a video. But there’ll be more times.”

“You think so?” He shares his doubts.

You nod. “I know it.”

His lips tug on a small smile and he nods in comprehension as he feels comforted by your reassurance.

Silence fills the room after that and welcomes an awkward tension. Not between Choso and you, or Yuki, Choso, and you, but between the three of you and Tengen.

“So,” Yuki rolls out. “Now what?”

“Where are we going to stay?” You ask as you look around at the white nothingness. “And what are we going to eat?”

Tengen sighs as if they're already over Yuki and you. “I have everything you need here,” they mutter.

“Hm. Okay.”

Well, this should be an interesting time…

——

*A FEW YEARS BACK*

“Oh, oh,” you exclaim and snap your eyes open to sit up—or try, you really strain yourself to sit up. “What about Cursed manipulation?” You muse softly.

Suguru slowly blinks his eyes open and sighs before he lolls his head to the side to look at you through the darkness of your room. “No,” he gently turns you down.

You pout and press your hand on his toned bare chest to lean closer. “Why not? That way you won’t feel so lonely with your technique. That way you can teach our child about your technique,” you argue your point.

A touched smile tugs on his lips and his eyes fill with love. “Baby,” Suguru coos. “I don’t want our child to share that burden. Having me carry that technique with me is enough. You know that.”

You drop your eyes on the beauty mark on his chest and gently trace it with your finger. “I know,” you whisper. “But I know how much you dislike your technique, and maybe a part of it is because no one understands. Having our girl have your technique will give you someone to bond with, a reason for your technique not to be such a pest.” You try to make him see the bright side you’re trying to let in.

But all Suguru sees is a more threatening darkness, and he doesn’t want his child to be cast with such an isolating and draining burden.

“What about,” Suguru rolls out as he slides his big and soft hand over your smaller one. “If she has your technique? Your technique is fun. A lot easier.”

You laugh softly and rid of all the lurking shadows Suguru saw crawling in his corner with a simple look in your eyes.

“It would be fun,” you go along with him as he pulls your hand to his lips to press a gentle kiss on your knuckles.

“Come here,” he reels you in so you can lay down on your side and rest your head on his chest so he can gently massage your head.

“If our baby girl has my technique she will be pursued by your family, you know that,” he adds a warning you’ve been trying to forget for your sake.

You swallow thickly and murmur, “Satoru wouldn’t let that happen.”

Or you hope so.

“Yeah,” Suguru doesn’t hesitate to agree, but he still continues with doubt laced in his voice. “But you know they’d find a way. My technique is the only reason they let us date when we were in high school.”

You manage a tender smile and nuzzle your head in his chest, but quickly find your position uncomfortable due to the baby growing inside you, so you flip to your back and wrap Suguru’s strong arm around your neck.

“So,” you change the subject so you don’t spiral in your anxiety that tends to poison you when you think of your parents taking your child. “Have you picked a name yet?”

Suguru leans his head on yours, letting you feel his throat vibrate on your head as he hums. “What about Satori?” He shares. “It means enlightenment.”

Just like Satoru’s name.

——

*NOW*

“And you were supposed to cremate Geto’s body,”

Those words keep ringing in your head like a bad and out-of-tune echo

You had made peace with the choice you made that day. You made his funeral with nobody to mourn and you were okay praying to his portrait in his shrine, but now your past plagues you and you can’t stop the guilt from consuming you.

All this death, this chaos is happening because of that one choice you didn’t make.

All the distress everyone’s living through is because of you?

“Y/N?”

You slowly twist your head towards the door and see an upside-down Yuki stopping under the doorframe.

“Are you done talking with Tengen or are you still glowering?” You remark teasingly.

Yuki scoffs and breaks away from her spot. Yet before she can join you on the bed, you quickly interject.

“Turn off the light. My head hurts.”

“Too much wine?” She quips with a snicker as she does as you ask before she moseys on over to jump on the bed.

“Yeah,” you groan and cover your eyes with your arm. “I was doing some work and was chugging that wine…”

“And now you have your head hanging off the bed,” Yuki finishes for you in a scolding voice. “I wonder why your head hurts.”

You slap your hand on your stomach and lose your gaze on the blue hue painted on your ceiling by the fake bright night sky Tengen made for all of you. Which is kind of neat and nice….you have to admit.

“You know,” you add as you get lost in thought. “It feels weird staying here. I mean we’re not above ground on school grounds, but we’re still here, and it’s weird.”

“Yeah,” Yuki muses. “Takes you back doesn’t it?”

“Hm—Oop I'm getting lightheaded now,” you mumble and throw your upper body up to drag yourself forward on the bed and then throw yourself down when you’re at Yuki’s side.

“I mean to have a cute guy fawning over you with their dreamy brown eyes is so weird,” she says in a mocking way you instantly recognize and try not to give into, but you can’t help it. You drag your eyes to your side and see she’s already passing you a teasing look.

“Har-har,” you feign a laugh and mistakenly prove her right, so she continues to push.

“Oh you could die happy couldn't you, Cho?” She changes her voice as she bats her eyelashes. “Now I’m going to bat my pretty white Gojo lashes at you, and speak in my very fancy voice which seeps with my lust for you.”

You bite the inside of your cheek and shoot her a pointed glare. “I don’t talk like that,” you remark and avert your gaze.

“You do,” she yells. “You talk in a very old money, old movie star kind of way, which if someone wouldn't know you, they’d think you’re snobby, but I guess he likes that because he drools over you with whatever comes out of your mouth.”

Your heart swoons and begins to dance all giddily, causing a smile to start tugging on your lips, but one you try to fight back.

“It’s not even like that,” you mutter in a very shaky way because of how bad you are at hiding the excitement that she is making you feel. “Shut up,” you blurt and flip around to give her your back. “I’m 28 now, I don’t giggle,” you grumble.

“Oh,” Yuki snorts. “You giggled.”

You don’t comment and watch the stars twinkling in the distance with a smile winning its territory on your face.

“Do you,” you quietly give in to your feelings, this once, out of excitement. “Think it’s obvious?”

“Not to him.”

You nod softly and welcome more silence as you let your heart gush over Choso and this conversation.

However, then Yuki's impression of you crosses your mind and you can’t help but burst out laughing. And as if in tune with your thoughts Yuki joins, and you both just laugh your asses off until you’re both out of breath.

When you collect yourselves you don’t continue to laugh however, your smile falls and you lock your feelings away, forbidding your heart from them.

It’s cruel, but it’s for the best. It’s for his sake. And no matter how much your heart weeps and begs for you to show it some sympathy, you won’t give in, you can’t give him more thought, or else you will fall and you’ll give into a happiness you don’t deserve to feel.

You prove that to yourself now, in the silence that fills the room once again, while your mind sinks back in your guilt.

Guilt you need to express before you’re overwhelmed. “Yuki…do you think…all that’s happening is my fault?”

Yuki shifts and her big brown eyes bore in the back of your head. “What do you mean?” She questions.

You let out a deep breath and turn around to face her with a watery gaze full of pain and guilt. “All that’s happening,” you clarify. “It’s my fault, isn’t it? Because I couldn’t burn his body when he died…” You trail off and feel your bottom lip tremble. “…he was my husband, I should've taken him with me and burned his body, but I left him there and Kenjaku got him because of it.”

Yuki looks into your eyes for a moment longer before she sighs and begins to share her thoughts. “You should’ve burned his body, that’s true…”

You gasp and feel like you’ve been stabbed in the heart.

“But,” she adds. “It wasn’t your fault. None of what’s happening is your fault. You should’ve burned his body because he was your partner, you should’ve given his body a resting place, but he was also the man you loved, y/n, losing him was hard. I understand why you couldn’t do it, but what happened because of that is not your fault. Kenjaku was probably already creeping around him, waiting for the right moment, it all would’ve happened eventually.”

Her answer doesn’t assure you, it doesn’t take away the agony you feel now.

“But—”

“No,” she cuts you off. “What ifs don’t exist. What happened, happened, but you are not to blame, do you understand?” She presses with a threatening narrowed glare. “This is not your guilt to carry. And you know damn well your brother and Suguru would never want you to beat yourself over it.”

Tears roll down your cheeks and you answer with a soft nod.

“It’s not your fault,” she insists as if she could see your reluctance to let your guilt go. “It’s not your fault, y/n.”

Her words strike against the guilt and work to stop it from spreading, but in order to get rid of it indefinitely you’ll just need time.

“Okay,” your voice quivers.

Yuki offers you a sweet smile and grabs your shoulder to give it a gentle squeeze that makes you smile faintly in return.

“Thank you,” you whisper.

Her smile turns to a smug grin. “Of course. I’m always here for you, y/n.”

You reach for her hand and give it a gentle squeeze, letting the silence settle, and for a comfort to finally set in your heart.

Not only that but at least now you can sleep too without having to be attacked by all your thoughts, thanks to her. You really owe her a lot.

——

*LATER THAT NIGHT. CHOSO P.O.V*

A knock raps on the door, pulling him from his slumber and putting him on instant alert. When he drifts his eyes to check the clock, the bright numbers read 2:06 am, so whoever it was must come with urgency.

Thus, he gets out of bed and walks over to open the door, and see that it’s you in your night attire.

“Y/N, are you okay?” He immediately asks with concern.

You assure him with a quiet response so as to not wake up Tsukumo. “Yeah, yeah, I just…” you trail off and glance at the ground. “I don’t want to be alone.”

Choso’s heart skips a beat and his mind completely falls blank at the sound of the vulnerability you were letting him see.

“I’m sorry if I woke you,” you quickly add as he stays with his mouth ajar. “I can go.”

“No,” he quickly finds it in him to snap out of his stupor. “Come in.”

A relieved smile grows on your lips and when you walk inside he sees your shoulders lose the tension they held, meaning you felt comfortable being in his presence, which makes him happy to see. He doesn’t want you to be uncomfortable when you’re around him.

“I’m sorry,” you repeat in a more sweeter and apologetic tone. “I know it’s late.”

Choso shakes his head and quickly assures you. “No, no, it’s okay. I don’t mind.”

You peer back and flash him a content smile before you turn and walk back toward the bed with a faint smirk. “Your hairs down,” you point out. “I like it. It looks nice.”

Once again his heart skips a beat in its rhythm, but this time a fluttering grows in his stomach that makes his face grow hot. Which is embarrassing to him, and it always happens when he’s with you.

“Thank you,” he mutters as he holds your gaze that lights his room in a way the fake night sky never did.

“Are you sure you're okay?” He makes sure to ask again.

You sit on the edge of his bed and nod. “Yes,” you smile. “I’m fine, Cho.”

The sound of that short nickname coming out of your lips sends shivers down his spine he never knew he could feel by the simplicity of a nickname.

“Okay then,” he says and glances at the bed and then at you. “You can take the bed, I’ll sleep on the ground.”

You laugh softly and drag yourself back to one side and pat the other. “Come lay with me, we’ve spent enough time together already for it to be weird.”

His face grows hotter and his heart instead begins to pound in his chest.

In all the times you’ve spent alone you're always sitting across from each other, on a couch, or at a small distance side by side, you’ve never shared a bed. He almost wants to say no out of respect for you, but he doesn’t want to wound your feelings. Plus you did say you wanted company, so he slowly approaches the bed and climbs back on his side.

“If you're not comfortable then don’t listen to me,” you let him know so he doesn’t feel forced. “Please.”

Choso turns his head and meets your red-orange eyes mixed with worry, so he assures you right away. “I don’t mind. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

You share a soft laugh and he can’t help but let his lips tug to a faint smile.

“Choso,” you whisper now in such a soft and vulnerable way once again.

“Hm?”

You let out a deep sigh and first roll to your side before you continue. “Will you help me? Keep me safe…please.”

You didn’t even need to ask, he already put himself in charge of that the moment he recognized you that night in Shibuya, but hearing you ask him this now just has a way to make the feelings he already has for you, intensify. He can’t even put into words how content he feels, and what other feelings are racing through his veins.

It’s like you set him on fire.

“Always,” he assures you right away.

Your lips tug to one of those sweet smiles he likes to admire on you, and suddenly, again, just like other times before, his eyes—no his whole being feels magnetized to your lips.

“I’ll always keep you safe,” he reinforces his statement.

“You promise?” You ask for reassurance as you, yourself can’t raise your eyes off his lips.

“I do.”

Instead of smiling this time, you lean in and he gives into the force attracting him to you and parts his lips to give into his desire.

Yet, before he can know the feeling of your plush lips on his, everythings gone in a flash and his eyes snap open to see an empty room, and his hard member bulging through the blankets. Again.

It seems that he always feels a pressure within him that lit his veins with wildfire whenever he thought of your lips, your soft skin under his fingertips, your body under him or over him, your perfectly sculpted face so close to him that he could feel your breaths unfurl over his lips, and or whenever he dreamed of you…like now.

And his dreams always varied. Sometimes they were sweet like the one now, but other times he dreamed of you in ways he figured out shouldn't be had by friends and always woke up with the same throbbing pressure that ached for you because of it.

At first, he didn’t know what it was he felt, his body just set on fire, making his blood rush, and causing his member to rise and grow hard to the point it throbbed when you appeared in his mind. It wasn't until he was being nosy one time and found his answer in some pages in a book he peeked in after he saw you keep smiling at it as if it held some juicy secret.

He just wanted to know what was so interesting and why you read it so much in your free time. He won’t do it again, he knows that for sure.

Now, as to how he cooled himself down? He waited sometimes for it to pass, or he went to go get some water and fresh air, hoping not to run into you.

Like he will do now because recently waiting hasn’t helped, all he feels is the need to relieve himself to the thought of you. So he gets up and leaves his room and hopes you’re not out there.

——

*YOU*

The night is cold, especially because you’re underground.

But that’s what you get for being here as some bodyguard to an enlarged four-eyed thumb.

You just want to go back to your house and finally sleep in your own bed! You miss it all terribly.

And you miss having a warm body sleeping next to you. Sometimes you’d sleep at the furthest edge to avoid the contact, but in the back of your head, you always knew there was someone there to comfort you. Now all there is a cold and empty spot.

Maybe…no, that can’t be possible. You’re too much of a horrible monster to deserve anything good. He’s too good and his heart is too pure. You’ll just corrupt him.

But—no! No.

“Ugh,” you groan and flip around to groan some more into your pillow and keep your face buried.

Maybe this way his handsome nonchalant face and his precious eyes will leave your mind alone.

Nevertheless, the door of your room suddenly opens and when you turn to face the entrance there walks in the man you were trying to stop thinking about.

“Choso,” you call out in confusion.

He usually knocks and waits for you to open the door, or for you to invite him before walking in, this time he just barged in completely out of breath.

“Y/N,” he speaks in a deep silky voice that makes goosebumps grow on your arms.

“Choso, what’s wrong?” You ask as he keeps looking at you with his eyes darker than usual.

However, he doesn’t answer you, he just walks to you and stops when he’s at the edge of the bed, making you grow more confused, but also causing your heart to start racing out of what you can only describe as excitement over his proximity and boldness.

“I want to be with you.” Choso breaks his mysterious mask and takes no time to climb over you on the bed. “Always.”

You swallow thickly and let your eyes flicker between his eyes and his pink lips that radiate his warmth and tempt you to close the gap.

“I want you to be mine,” he murmurs against your lips, making your heart burst, sending your blood to race through your veins and catch your body on fire.

“Choso,” you whisper and keep your eyes on his lips, refusing to lose sight of them, as if you were some addict seeking their next high.

“Will you let me?” He asks as he grazes his lips on yours, making you gasp and feel a growing need in your core that begins to weep for him.

“Yes,” you give in so easily and see him smile before he presses himself closer to let you feel his hard member against your throbbing core.

“You’re so…beautiful,” he muses and finally gives in to your temptation by pressing a kiss on your lips.

Albeit you can’t describe the feeling of his lips. It’s like nothing pressed against you. But instead of questioning it, you fuel your need and wrap your arms around his neck to smash his lips against yours again.

“Y/N,” he groans against your lips.

You listen to your heart and deepen the kiss, feeling his hips roll against you.

“Choso,” you moan in his mouth.

He utters your name and pulls back, but presses a hand on your cheek to not lose contact. He parts his lips again to say more but suddenly you can't hear him, and everything around him and you slowly goes to black until suddenly you’re yanked back into a void that blinds you for a second before you suddenly open your eyes and see the ceiling.

There’s no Choso and no warmth, just the ceiling, and an empty bed, meaning it was a damn dream!

A sex dream no less that just leaves your heart lonely and disappointed, and your panties wet whilst your pussy throbbed over nothing.

Great. Great!

You should’ve not even accepted the mission! Choso is everywhere now that you don’t want to think about him or his pink and inviting lips you want to taste. His pretty sunkissed brown eyes you can get lost in. The veins on his hands you want to see when he grabs onto your thighs, his defined shoulders you want to cling onto, and his beautifully sculpted abs you want to press kisses on…

Maybe…

Just maybe you can just think about him until you satisfy your need with your fingers…

No! No! What are you thinking?!

Why? Why now?

You can’t think of him like that! You can’t just let your body ache for him, you told yourself you wouldn't, so sorry to your heart, but no!

And if you stay on your bed you will fall into temptation, so you get out and march out of your room.

Alas, when you walk out you let out a sharp gasp when you run into Choso!

“Sorry,” he immediately throws out as he steps back and turns away from you. “I-I didn't mean to scare you.”

You clutch onto your heart for a different reason and quickly assure him. “No, it’s okay. It’s fine,” you murmur and make the mistake of meeting his gaze, but you can’t hold it so you yank your eyes away because of the dirty thoughts you just had of him.

“Are you okay?” He asks and that only works to reignite your desire.

“Yeah.” You nod and bring your eyes back to his gaze, and realize that he never looked away. He keeps looking with a deep intensity that you can’t look away from now and works to restart the pulse in your core.

“I just need…water,” you lie, making his jaw go slightly ajar.

“Oh,” he breathes out. “Me too.”

Great…

“Now I won’t be alone,” you play it off and lead the way to the kitchen in a loud silence in which all you can do is dart your eyes from his hands, the hall, his lips, ahead, his baggy shirt hiding his defined torso, and the approaching kitchen.

When you’re going to reach for a cup he beats you to it and reaches for two, causing you to watch how the veins form on his hands as he grasps onto the cups.

Before he can hand your cup though, to avoid letting him catch you staring, you walk over and take the water jar out of the fridge to pour some into the cups he puts on the counter for you. Once you fill his cup you pick it up and hand it to him, realizing when your eyes land on him that he’s been watching you.

“You know,” you fill the silence and turn away from him to lean back on the counter. “We might as well be drinking air, considering earlier today we walked into a white canvas, and moments after that a house appeared out of thin air.”

Choso shares a small laugh, making your smile widen.

“Well,” he says. “At least we'll go insane together.”

You chuckle with him and then say, “yeah, lucky us,” before you trail off softly and bring your cup to your lips to drink, missing the way Choso couldn’t keep his eyes off you.

When you bring your cup down you look over at him and he looks away and drinks. “Your hair’s down, it looks nice,” you tell him, making him gulp, and for his eyes to widen.

You think it's just him getting flustered so you don’t probe and instead continue and let your heart lead the way. “You know when we fought I saw you kind of lacked in hand-to-hand combat. I could help you if you want.”

Choso lowers his cup and shakes his head. “I wouldn’t want to burden you,” he doesn’t try to turn you down, he just doesn’t want to bother you.

“I don’t mind,” you quickly assure him. “I think it’ll be fun actually.”

Your eyes find each other and he unfurls a deep breath before he lets himself give in. “All right. Thank you.”

You walk to the sink and dump the water from your cup because it’s not water you needed, you needed air to keep your mind off him, but well…

“Good, we start at 8 am,” you let him know and leave the cup to turn on your heels. “Don’t be late.”

“Well,” he says lightheartedly. “There’s nowhere else to go, so. I couldn’t even if I tried.”

You laugh just like he wanted.

“Good night, Cho,” you tell him for a second time tonight.

He watches you walk away and speaks softly as if out of breath, “Goodnight y/n,”

You offer him one last smile over your shoulder before you leave the room.

Instead of returning to your bedroom though, you end up outside to finally catch some fresh air and lose your gaze on the beautiful wave of colors that rocked over the ground as if they were ocean waves, and slowly feel all your concerns and desires slip away like they would when you admire the lake by your house, or the oceans you like to travel to.

Even if you’re stuck underground, in a place that can weaken you, you don’t feel distressed, you feel…bliss in the peaceful silence.

And that is something you haven’t felt since October 31st. So you relish in it while you can before you’re faced with more disaster.

You could actually sleep out here, but in the back of your head, you do worry that something will come out of the walls, or from the surface and drag you to some depths of hell or something so you just sit back and watch the aurora borealis accompany the starry sky.

For a while longer at least because then you hear something creak behind you and you have to look out of fear it’s some kind of demon.

Luckily though it’s just your tempting desire that plagues your mind often; Choso.

“Are you spying on me?” You tease him with a playful glare.

“I,” he stammers as his cheeks grow pink. “No. I saw someone out here. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t unwanted company.”

You ease the teasing glare and offer him an assuring look. “I was just messing with you,” you let him know. “Now.” You pat the spot beside you. “Why don’t you forget we said goodnight to each other and sit with me.”

Choso steps away from the back door and shakes his head. “No, I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

“Pft,” you brush him off with a flick of your wrist. “It’s our thing you know? Us being up late and keeping each other company. I’ve grown to really look forward to it, so come if you want I don't mind.”

You should mind. You really definitely should.

“Well,” Choso breathes out and hides his reddening cheeks by looking at the ground. “Only if it’s alright with you.”

“It is,” you reassure him.

Choso’s eyes flicker to you and he sees that you hold no ill will so he takes you up on your offer.

“You know,” you muse when he takes his seat. “That the brightest star, The North Star, is right there,” you share and point to the bright speck on the sky just above your heads. “And if you find it you’ll always find home.”

Choso’s gaze lingers on your smug little smile before he follows your finger to the biggest star in the sky.

“Or at least,” you scoff. “That’s all that stuck from what Kira told me.” You laugh softly. “They told me about all these cosmos and nothing really stuck, but that. So if you’re ever lost just find the star.”

Choso blinks and mutters, “what if I’m lost in the day?”

You snort and look at him with amusement. “Then you’re shit out of luck.”

Choso laughs and you laugh with him for a long moment before you clap and interject excitedly. “OR OR, you can always tell yourself this, Never,” you point ahead. “Eat.” You point east. “Soggy.” You point south. “Waffles.” You lastly point West and grin over the fact you remember that catchy phrase.

However, Choso doesn’t understand so he just looks at you with his thick eyebrows deeply furrowed.

“North, East, South, and West,” you clarify. “Belinda taught me.”

Choso nods in comprehension and nods slowly, but you can still see from his slightly scrunched-up nose that he’s still confused.

And you are too.

“But I guess it wouldn't make sense if you don’t know where North is…so,”

“We’re both lost?” He finishes for you as he meets your gaze with his lips picked up into a faint smile.

“Yeah,” you laugh. “We’re both lost, so it’s a good thing we have our mobile devices,” you mock him, and he catches that right away and shoots you a pointed look that only lasts for a second before he turns his head away as he can’t help but smile.

“No, but really, home is not far from here. Home is surrounded by trees to keep the community kind of hidden, it’s big for obvious reasons,” you say with a smile. “And, I actually thought of a perfect home for you and your brothers to stay at.”

Choso’s eyes snap to you admiring the colors in the sky turning from blue to red, and his jaw slightly drops. As if this is the first time he’s heard of this plan you told him hundreds of times already.

“It’s just above the lake, so close to me but not too close either,” you continue to say, letting him watch how the red hue consumes your face in such a majestic way—“it’s the house surrounded by the most trees so you get more privacy. And it’s not big enough to fit all of you, but you can build onto it. I think that’d be fun.” You look away from the sky and immediately find his softened gaze. “Don’t you think?”

Choso blinks repeatedly to break from the trance you casted on him, and shakes his head. “We’ll be fine,” he tries not to concern you, but you argue back right away.

“No, you’ll need your own space. You all will. Trust me,” you laugh dryly. “I know, because one, brothers date your best friends and break up with them, causing said friend to drop you because you remind them of your brother and they can’t handle that,” you ramble about your own past instead of actually advising him. “Two, they steal your hair products and always forget to buy you more after they finished them. They tease you until you cry and play cruel pranks in front of their friends to act cool. And lastly, they buy your child a pony without asking you first.”

Choso scoffs in a judgy way and queries the same without shame. “Your brother does that?”

You roll your head forward to watch the red hue become fiercer in color, and sigh deeply. “Yes. But you can’t blame him, we’re barely a year apart, so our dynamic shows that,” you defend your brother.

“Our parents got excited after they had their boy,” you share. “So they chose to try for another in hopes it would be another strapping boy, but I came out, cockless and became their headache.” You snicker.

There was so much Choso wanted to say to contradict you and comfort you after you just brushed off your parents disdain since he knows that feeling of saying you don’t care but deep inside it hurts. Yet he can’t form the words to say it the way he wanted, the way you would’ve comforted him, he instead tries to relate to you so you could know that there are similarities between the two of you.

“Sometimes I don’t think it matters what gender you are. I turned out to be a man along with the rest of my brothers, and Kenjaku didn’t care, he still left us like trash.”

Your heart sinks and your smile turns to a frown.

“Parents are like that if you don’t fit their perfect ideals,” he mutters.

You lay back on the grass and keep your eyes on the stars behind the red hue while your mind sadly agrees with what he said.

“Yeah,” you whisper. “They are, aren’t they? Do you…” you hesitate and let out a deep breath to let out some of that tightness in your chest that had begun to grab ahold of you. “Ever think what it would be like if you were ideal in their eyes? I think I would be less afraid, and I wouldn't have pushed myself so much.”

Choso stays quiet as he tries to come up with something he’s often thought about in his time in the void.

“I…would’ve been out 150 years ago,” he says softly but in a voice laced with spite and anger. “And I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now. I honed my technique because he left us.”

You look at aurora borealis slowly shifting to yellow above your heads and whisper, “I’m sorry.” Causing him to lay back to show his confusion better—“I must sound ungrateful and bratty compared to what you went through. That was real pain. I’m sorry.”

Choso’s eyes narrow to express his remorse before he interjects in the best way he can. “No, you don’t. Not to me.”

Tears fill your eyes and you can’t help but share a soft smile as you finally feel understood. Suguru tried to relate to you saying his parents never understood him and that they became distant, but that was just a teenage phase for him, he never really understood you. Not in the way Choso can.

It’s why it makes indulging into this dark topic a lot easier.

“Can I ask how it felt being stuck there?” You bring up timidly hoping it doesn’t upset him.

Choso lets out a deep breath through his nose and narrows his gaze on the sky, looking almost like he wanted to damn the sky because of the past that flashed through his mind.

“I’m so—”

“It’s okay,” he cuts you off before you can finish your apology, and clears his throat. “It was…dark. Like when you close your eyes and see nothing but pitch darkness. I felt my brothers, their presence, but I was still alone because we couldn’t talk, or exist, we just felt each other nearby. And the years for me didn’t pass quickly like it would for them, I felt every year pass by,” his voice quivers, and you see tears rush down his cheeks, making that ache you had already begun to feel only hurt deeper for him.

Even if you can’t know his pain, you still feel for him, especially as you see him cry.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” you murmur and wipe away the tears that broke out of your eyes to scoot closer to him and grab his hand, going unaware of his shiver the moment your warm hand touched his cold one.

“You’re here now though,” you try to comfort him. “You’re out, under the sky and with a beating heart, working every day to give your brothers peace.”

More tears run down his cheeks and you’re tempted to wipe them away, but that might be too intimate for you trying to avoid developing your feelings, so you just let your heart yearn and let him wipe away his own tears.

“Thank you, y/n,” he whispers in a sweet way that makes your heart start to race. “You’re sweet. You always have been to me. Thank you for that.”

“You deserve it, Cho.”

The corner of his lips twitch to a timid smile, and you hold each other's gaze for a lingering moment as all your hearts do is yell to give in to what you both so desperately want.

Alas, you both don’t listen to your yearning. You let go of his hand, and look back at the sky while you slowly grow somber as you grow the confidence to share something personal now that you’re being vulnerable with each other.

“Can I share something with you that only my best friend Kento knew?” You ask first.

Without hesitation, he answers. “Of course.”

You let out a shaky sigh and clasp your hands together over your chest to fiddle with your nails. “Last year a month before Suguru died, we found out we were expecting,” your voice grows softer and shakier as you fight your tears. “And then he died and…the baby went with him.

No matter how hard you hold back from crying, tears cloud your eyes and stream down your cheeks.

“No one knew,” you add. “It was too soon to tell anyone, so we kept it a secret we would have shared later on. It never happened of course…” you trail off.

“I’m so sorry,” Choso says right away.

You wipe away your tears and meet his worried gaze. “It’s okay, I've made my peace with it,” you say.

Choso’s hand twitches out of a need to cup your hand the way you comforted him, but you kept your hand on your chest and he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by reaching over your chest, so all he offered you was assuring words even if his face expressed pity and agony because of the pain he saw in your eyes. “You didn’t deserve that.”

You could say otherwise, you could bring up multiple pieces of evidence, but you don’t want to argue so you answer with silence.

“But why,” Choso interjects, catching your attention. “Why did you share something personal with me? Me out of all people, I’m—”

“My friend,” you cut him off before he can talk bad about himself. “And I shared this with you because I find it easy talking with you. Because you’re someone I can confide in.”

Choso swallows thickly and leaves a longer silence than he intended because of his disbelief over your words which only heightens his burn for you.

“Is that okay?” You check in.

He blinks and nods softly. “Yes. It is. I find it easy talking with you too.”

You can’t help but smile and reach over to grab his hand. “Promise me something, Choso.”

Said man is left speechless so he nods.

You then proceed to fold his arm over his chest to press his hand on his heart.

“You have a good heart,” you tell him something you know he doubts. “Promise me you’ll never lose it. Hard times will come, but you’re strong, keep your heart. Promise me.”

Choso’s bottom lip trembles and his eyes glisten, only letting a couple of tears fall before he nods even if he's still hesitant to believe your kind words that have never changed.

“Good,” you whisper and let his hand go to rest yours back on your chest.

You did such a terrible job at keeping him out of your mind. You suck.

“We have to get up early today,” Choso reminds you after a few minutes of peaceful silence.

“Yeah,” you make no attempts to leave, and neither does he. “We’ll pay for it in the afternoon.”

“Hm.”

——

*LATER THAT MORNING*

His fists are too tightly clenched and he has his feet too dug in the ground. He’s too tensed up.

Which isn’t strange to see, when he uses his cursed technique he’s always fighting fiercely. But when he’s fighting hand to hand he needs to loosen his body up more to move swiftly when the need calls or else he’ll be an easy opponent. Like now.

Instead of advising him right away though, you charge forward. When you get close you spring forward and throw your knee at his face, but he manages to barely swerve and causes you to land with your back to him.

You quickly spin around and in that moment catch him trying to swing his leg at your head, but you manage to trap his leg on your shoulder and throw your leg forward to kick his crotch, causing him to grunt and pull his leg off to stumble back.

You don’t wait for him to get better, you lunge forward and kick him to the ground before you drop down and straddle his waist to swing your arm over his face. But stop just before you can actually hit him.

“Dead,” you exclaim with a proud smirk. “Again.”

“Tsk,” he complains.

You get off him and grab his arm right away to help him back to his feet and finally share your advice. “You need to loosen up. You're too tense.”

Choso reaches for your elbow, but doesn’t make contact, he lets his hand hover under your elbow as he listens.

“You’re an easier target that way,” you continue. “You make yourself harder to move.”

“Sorry,” he says as if he was in trouble.

“Don’t apologize, it’s training,” you assure him and let his arm go to pat his shoulder and walk back to your spot to continue. “Let’s go another time and then we can take a break so you can watch Yuki and me next.”

He sighs with disappointment at his failure, so you rebuttal.

“Cho,” you press and turn to face him across the circle. “It's okay, you'll get better, that’s why we’re training.”

Choso rolls his shoulders back and lifts his fists, whilst you bend your knees a bit and clench your fists.

“Lighter on the feet,” you remind him before you run at him and hop again to bring down the strongest part of your arm on him, your elbow.

However, Choso crosses his arms and blocks the impact, making you smirk and pull your other arm back to throw him a left hook that he blocks again.

“Good,” you compliment, and then use your knee to jab his stomach and push him away from you.

This time though he doesn’t give in to the dull pain. He counters by coming at you by swinging his arm, making you dodge, just like he wanted, and quickly follows up by overwhelming you and throwing his other fist, and actually managing to nick you on the jaw before you could dodge.

“Good,” you mutter with a menacing chuckle before you shoot him a pointed glare.

Choso mirrors your glare and gets ready for your attack. Albeit instead of meeting him with a blow, you actually wrap your arms around his waist and then swing your foot back to smack your heel on his face.

Choso groans from the pain in his nose, and you try to swing around him to hug him from behind, but he wraps his arm around your neck to keep you in a headlock.

You try to squirm away, but he squeezes tighter, making you groan and dig your nails in his skin.

Choso doesn’t react to that though, instead, he brings his knee up to your stomach twice. But, he doesn’t demonstrate a finishing move, so you swing your legs around his waist and rock up with all your weight, resulting in you on the ground and him on top of you in a very uncomfortable position only because of the way his arm is still clung around your neck.

Not like it mattered to your racing heart and your need for him though; a heat still unfurls within you. While he falters.

Yet neither of you give into your desires, you ignore them and use your strength to roll back on the ground and throw him over you.

The both of you then quickly get up to face each other again, deciding not to waste a second and charging at each other.

The moment you’re close you swing your left fist, but he claps his hand together and throws his arms up to block your attempt.

“Nice,” you say between pants and get a smirk from him.

Nonetheless, you proceed to shift to the side to smack your hand on the back of his neck and push him down before you wrap your arm around his throat and throw your knee up.

Choso however, manages to block you and smacks his hands on your hips to swing you around as he turns so you can let go.

And you do but you then show off how flexible you can be after years of training, and wrap your legs around him with your back still pressed against his chest, and flip you both to the ground.

“Nice, that was quick thinking,” he compliments you between his own heavy breaths.

You snicker and don’t let get him off easy, you throw a jab over his face and swing over him to throw another hit, but he snaps his head to the side and makes your fist slam into the ground.

“Damn,” you hiss in pain and get off him to stay on your knees. “Damn.” You complain again and shake your hand.

Choso pays you no mercy, which is good, he shouldn’t because this is training and the second complaint was fake in hopes he’d worry. So you’re proud that he swings his leg. But since you were faking it the second time, you throw your upper body back to dodge and plant your hands on the ground behind your head to swiftly hurl yourself back to your feet using just the strength in your arms.

Now instead of giving Choso time to counter, or even attempt to move, you swing your leg. Choso catches your action and puts his hands out and claps them together out of instinct to use his technique, leaving you with the great opportunity to kick his face and send him to his knees the moment of impact, just out of the pure strength behind your swing.

And just to finish this round you walk around him and point your fist at his face. “And that’s dead.”

You drop your arm and offer him your hand.

Choso meets your gaze with no ill feeling and takes your offer, letting you pull him to his feet.

“Did that hurt?” You worry about him now that the session is over. “I’m sorry, Choso.”

Said man holds his cheek and covers how red it’s getting. “It’s nothing that won’t heal. You were great, y/n.”

You give your gratitude with a sweet smile before you grab his wrist and yank it down to pull him over to the bench. “You won’t heal right away like I can due to my RCT, which means it stings. Trust me I know. So let’s just put some ice on it.”

Choso parts his lips to argue since he will heal, but he can’t turn you down so he lets you sit him down, and just watches you wrap a towel around cubes of ice before you very gently press the cool towel against his cheek.

“Those were some nice moves,” you fill the silence so you can avoid getting lost on his handsome face and his pink lips just inches away from yours. “I like how you grabbed my hips and swung me around. That was quick thinking.”

Choso sits up straight and huffs. “On that last move, before you hit me, I pointed my hands out—”

“I saw that!” You exclaim and jump out of excitement. “You were totally going for a piercing blood!”

Choso chuckles softly. “I was an idiot. I could’ve dodged.”

You laugh and nod. “Yeah especially because I kind of fumbled my footing there.”

“Really?” He asks and raises his eyebrows. “I didn’t see.”

“No.” You roll your eyes playfully. “Because you were going to shoot piercing blood.”

Choso snorts and snickers, making your heart skip a beat, and your smile to turn to a beaming grin.

“I…I did see a difference when I changed my stance and lifted some weight off my feet,” Choso let you know.

“Really?” You probe curiously. “You liked it? I know some people prefer the additional weight. It makes their swings harder.”

“Well, if I add the weight when I hit instead, I find it smoother,” he says and you nod.

“Yeah, I do that too, that way I can move fast without being too tense, but making my impacts harder when I use that weight with my swings instead,” you share.

“Hm.” He hums.

You laugh softly down at the bench. “I was trying to trick you after I smacked my fist in the ground,” you let him know.

Choso’s eyebrows quirk up and he shoots you a puzzled look.

“I faked that second damn to try and distract,” you explain.

“I knew that,” he now claims, making you chuckle and roll your eyes.

“You didn't know shit!” You argue and playfully push him away.

A teasing smile tugs on his lips and he just continues to say a bunch of shit out of the high of the moment you’re both stuck in. “I knew not to check on you.”

You shake your head as you laugh, and he furrows his eyebrows and brings up a question. “Does that usually work?”

You shrug. “Sometimes, depends on who I’m fighting. But it’s not to check on me, more so my opponent let their guard down because they think I got weaker.”

“Hm. Well, it’s smart then,” he tells you softly.

You mutter, “thanks,” sweetly, and then your phone suddenly starts to ring, so pull away and grab your phone from your sweater draped over the bench.

When you check who it is you smile when you see that it’s Belinda.

“I’ll go,” Choso tries to be respectful and give you space, but you grab his wrist to assure him it’s okay before you answer the phone.

“Hello?” You greet in a sing-song voice as all you see is a wood ceiling. “Who am I talking to?”

A few seconds of silence pass before you hear your daughter's sweet voice. “Mommy!”

You grin. “Chipmunk,” you greet. “What are you doing? Why am I looking at a ceiling?”

“Oh, right,” she mumbles before she picks up the phone and finally shows her face to the camera. “Hi,” she greets again with a wave this time.

“Hi,” you don’t fail to return. “What are you doing?”

Satori flashes you a grin and points the camera at some long strings of dough. “I’m making pasta noodles,” she reveals. “Belinda's mom said that it’s important I know because I’m a girl.”

Of course, that lady would say that. Tsk.

“Oh,” you feign a laugh. “That’s…cool. You having fun?”

“What are you doing?” She cuts you off and stares hard at her screen to try and figure out the answer to her question.

“I’m training,” you let her know, making her pull back and smile again. “Actually,” you add with a growing grin. “I’m here with my friend, Choso.”

You proceed to shift so you can show him off to your daughter.

“Choso this is Satori,” you introduce him to the most important person in your life. “Satori this is Choso.”

Choso glances at you nervously as if trying to make sure it’s okay before he looks at the camera and offers your daughter a small smile. “Hello,” he greets nervously.

Satori's dark eyes narrow as she studies his face for a moment before her face eases and she smiles sweetly. “Hello,” she manages to greet without shying away since she’s behind a screen. “Uh, my mommy talks about you a lot.”

Your eyes widen and you quickly turn away. “Satori,” you quietly scold her.

“What?” She asks without understanding why you’re acting the way you are. “You and daddy always said to tell the truth. I did.”

You sigh deeply knowing you can’t say anything about it now so you just bite your tongue and wait to correct her tomorrow.

“Anyway,” you change the subject. “Satori how was your trip to—”

“Oh, Mom I have to go, I'll call you before bedtime, bye.” And just like that she ends the call and leaves you hanging.

“Well,” you clear your throat and don’t touch on what she blurted to him. “You met my daughter,” you say and shift to face Choso and press the ice back on his cheek that isn't as red as it was moments ago, but it still is swollen.

“She looks like him doesn't she?” You ask.

Choso swallows thickly and drifts his gaze away to nod before he looks back at you with a timid but soft look. “She has your smile though,” he says.

You’re caught off guard and feel your breath hitch softly before you show your flustered smile to the bench. “Thank you,” you whisper.

“Hm.”

You let out a small breath and then look back at him. “Does it hurt less?” You ask with concern.

Choso nods. “Yes, thank you. You’re sweet even though I will heal, I told you.”

“Pft,” you blow out. “Then heal right now.” You urge him to prove you wrong.

Choso narrows his gaze. “Well, it’s not how it works.” He argues.

You scoff and smirk. “Well until then I’ll worry if I want to.”

Choso’s chest rises and you know what he’s going to respond with so you beat him to it.

“Hm.”

Choso shoots you a pointed look, making you snicker as you hold his gaze.

And since he wasn’t really upset, he can’t hold back from sharing a soft smile while he gets lost in your eyes, building the tension that had already made itself a home between the two of you and urged you to just break it with an act of a kiss, or a confession.

But neither of you do, you just torture yourselves and sit in silence where only the two of you existed before suddenly Yuki’s excited shout breaks you away. “Who's ready?!”

——

*THE NEXT DAY*

“Sorry I’m late,” you make your presence known as you slide the door open to the parlor room where you’re supposed to brainstorm a battle plan.

“We haven’t started…” Yuki trails off to scoff, making you pick your eyes off the ground to watch her stuffing her face with crackers. “You’re wearing a kimono?” She says teasingly.

You flick your wrist. “Don’t make a big deal,” you brush her off and sit beside her and across from Choso.

“I hardly see you wearing them,” Yuki ignores you as she props her elbow on the table and rests her chin on her hand to lean towards you. “What’s the occasion?” She asks with a smirk.

You shoot her a pointed gaze knowing this was only about one man. “I wear kimonos often, they’re comfortable, especially when I’m on my period, like now.” you don’t give in to her taunting. “Do you wear them?” You raise a brow.

“Sometimes,” she shrugs you off.

“Well,” Choso interjects, stealing your attention away from your mentor and notice that a soft blush painted his cheeks. “I think you look very nice, Y/N.”

You can’t help but smile as you smooth out the red robe that didn’t hang tightly around your body, it fit comfortably since you were just staying indoors today.

“Thank you, Choso,” you redirect softly.

Said man swallows thickly and offers you a soft nod as you continue to hold his gaze until you feel Yuki nudge your knee.

You pinch her back under the table, making her snicker before she pinches back a bit too hard.

“Ow,” you whine and smack her hand. “Some master you are.”

Yuki chuckles and takes a sip from her tea, whilst Choso just ignores your and Yuki’s doings, and instead directs his question to you. “Would you like some tea, y/n?”

You perk up and nod. “Yeah, thanks.”

Choso grabs your empty cup and gets up to walk to the kettle, causing Yuki to mock him speechlessly.

“Mature,” you mouth and just ignore her as you fold your arms over the table to rest your head on your arms. “You know I was supposed to go to a gala today,” you murmur sadly. “I was going to wear a beautiful and expensive gown, and get all dolled up.”

“Oh, really?” Yuki probes. “Were you going with anyone?”

You smile. “Nanami to introduce him to a model slash sorcerer friend, and Shoko to get her out of work for a while. And Satoru had invited himself along, so he was going to go too.”

“Ah the media would've eaten you and your brother up,” Yuki points out. “I can read the headlines now, the ever so mysterious model, y/n, finally showing off a bit of her life tonight at blah, blah gala.”

You snicker. “Yeah, and he would’ve gotten carried away.” You can’t help but share with a bit of actual sadness that you couldn't actually see this day through like it was planned. It would've been so much fun.

“Here,” Choso interjects as he falls beside you to hand you your tea.

“Oh, thank you, Cho.” You thank him while you reach for your cup, and accidently brush your fingers over his as you take it from his grasp.

Choso offers you a nod before he retakes his seat at the same time the door opens and Tengen finally walks in.

“About time,” Yuki remarks as she sits up and folds her arms over her chest.

“Sorry, there’s much to do,” they excuse themselves while they take their seat. “Since I am late, why don’t we save casual mingling for later.”

You scoff and bring the hot cup to your lips. “We weren’t going to mingle with you,” you say bluntly and take a careful drink, realizing at that moment that the hot tea that seeped into your taste buds is prepared exactly as you like it. It’s exactly how you prepare it…

Did Choso know this from just watching you prepare your tea during those nine days?

“Gojo,” Tengen speaks in such a booming and yet elegant voice. “I know what Cursed manipulation consists of, but some of your peers aren’t aware, why don’t you share what you know since you lived with Suguru Geto.”

You swallow your drink and put the cup down. “Well,” you sigh. “There’s no limit to how many cursed spirits he can hold, but last year in the fight people call The Night Parade, he unleashed a majority of his curses. Meaning,” you add hopefully. “Kenjaku shouldn’t have many, I mean Suguru spent his lifetime collecting them, so it’s doubtful Kenjaku could’ve restored Suguru’s stock in a year.”

“What about the religious facilities?” Yuki asks. “He got curses from the non-sorcerers that worshiped him.”

You drop your gaze to your cup and shake your head. “No, I closed them all down, there was no need for them after he died.”

“Then why does Kenjaku still dress like a monk?” Choso spats.

You look at him across from you and bounce off him. “That’s what I'd like to know. I mean sure before he revealed himself it was to keep up appearances, but now? Who knows.”

“Kenjaku is tactical,” Tengen interjects and ignores the conversation between Choso and you. “He’ll find a way to work with the curses he gathered and what he had left.”

“Then let me go first,” Choso cuts in, making your eyebrows furrow in confusion, while your stomach knots together out of worry.

“You’ll die if you do,” you blurt without thinking.

Choso doesn’t notice the concern laced in your voice or the perplexity behind your eyes. “Then would you and Tsukumo fight against Noritoshi Kamo, three against one with me?”

You and Yuki share a look, but rather than expressing nonchalance like her, you share your growing concern.

“I’d be in the way right?” Choso continues to share. “So I’ll go first, draw out his cursed spirits, and get him to reveal information. If I can get him to open his domain…”

Then he’ll die. Does he not want to see that? Does his life mean so little to him?

“Then Kenjaku will have difficulty using cursed techniques,” Yuki adds in for him. “That’s when Y/N and I strike.”

“Exactly,” Choso agrees.

“I’ll say it again then,” Yuki repeats. “You’ll die.”

Choso doesn't look bothered or upset by the warning, he’s fucking nonchalant and it starts to upset you. You can’t even try to fight it for the restriction you put against yourself. The concern you felt twisting your insides, developed into anger that seeped through your veins and slowly spread out.

“I don’t care as long as we kill him,” Choso argues nonchalantly, making that anger pulse and pump faster throughout your body—“For me, my brothers, and the sake of my mother's curse, which makes up half of me and my brothers. For Yuji’s future as well.”

That anger now makes your heart pound and your jaw clench.

How dare he bring up his brother's future if he doesn’t even plan to be in it? Does he not want to stay with him, spend time with him, and fight for his survival? Why does he want to throw his life away like it meant nothing? Like it doesn’t matter?

You should be asking yourself why it upset you so much. With him gone at least your desire will fizzle out and you’ll stop thinking about him and a future you lost sight of when Suguru died. But your anger reached your mind, and clouded your reasoning, judgment, and critical thinking altogether.

All there is is pulsing anger mixing with your concern, so you can’t keep your mouth shut anymore, you interject to express emotions. “So what? You’re just going to leave Itadori here? Alone? Without you? After you just found each other.”

Choso blinks and slowly sits up, whilst his face shows his perplexity over your emotions.

“Y/N,” Yuki tries to stop you.

“No,” you spat and pierce a glare into Choso. “Why should I sit here and listen to him planning to kill himself? There’s other ways. I can help you, you don’t have to throw your life away.”

“Y/N—”

“I’ve lost so many people I care about,” you cut Yuki off with your voice shaking with anger and…fear. That’s what you felt too. That’s what you recognize coursing through you too.

“All in a span of a year,” you continue, leaving poor Choso just more confused and baffled—“why should I let someone else I care about die?”

“Because,” Yuki argues, but you keep looking deeply into Choso’s eyes. “It comes with our lifestyle. You know that more than anyone. Sure, you had a privileged upbringing, but you also grew up in this world, it comes with sacrifices. If you don’t like that then you can leave, I told you that already. Do you want to leave?”

You hold Choso’s gaze for a moment longer, and he parts his lips and looks at you with just soft disbelief now. It seems he wants to add something, but you drop your eyes and don’t let him interject. “No, Master,” you mutter.

“Good,” Yuki sighs. “Now you two listen to our plan.”

You tighten your grip around your cup and pierce your glare in the light brown tea as Yuki shares a plan she came up with Tengen. You have no protests, you’re okay with what she planned for you to do, so you never interject, nor does Choso. He just chimes in after she’s done explaining.

“Hmm, dismantling the domain huh?”

“You come after that,” Yuki clarifies.

“No, I should go first,” Choso insists, making you roll your eyes but stay quiet now.

“Domains are powerful but burnt-out cursed techniques afterward,” Choso continues. “So there’s a risk that your cursed techniques will be hard to use after a while. I know you and Tengen want to exploit that, but he won’t open his domain if he expects me to leap in. Even if beats me once it’ll convince him that the fight is only against you, Tsukumo, and y/n.”

“Alright fine,” Yuki finally gives in. “Y/N?”

“Yeah,” you mumble and take a sip of tea.

“And Y/N can’t use her fire-snake technique,” Choso protests. “Noritoshi has the advantage of knowing her every move thanks to who he’s inhabiting, he’ll see it coming and kill her.”

You almost choke on your tea, but you manage to navigate down the right pipe before you finally break your silence. “He’ll try to kill me either way because of it, I won’t be safe regardless.”

“Then let me help you,” he volunteers without hesitation. “I’ll fight what he tries to throw at you.”

The words you were going to share right away get stuck in your throat as you breathe in sharply. And that anger you held for him is forgotten for a moment as you’re now shocked.

“No,” Yuki argues for you, snapping you out of your stupor. “We stick to our plan. Y/N can handle herself. You can help when it’s your time to come out if you want to so badly.”

“Right.” You clear your throat and let your anger rush back. “I have my supreme art technique that I never showed Suguru. Trapping Noritoshi in my domain won’t work, he’ll probably overpower me, so I’ll use my supreme art technique to tire him out for Yuki.”

Choso narrows his eyes and probes with concern laced in his voice. “And you’ll have enough energy to fight after?”

You nod as you swirl the tea in your cup. “Yes, I will,” you assure him. “I’ll be okay.”

Choso looks unsure about your reassurance out of concern, but he also trusts you and believes in you, so he doesn’t argue.

“Great!” Yuki exclaims. “So we all know what we’re going to do? No protests?”

Yes, one, Choso’s willingness to sacrifice his life. It still pisses you off and makes you want to cry and fight him, but you’ve been told off already. And he doesn’t seem to want to listen, so you bite your tongue and let the plan be. Even if your heart…begins to ache.

A/N- If you think about Choso and mc have not spent a day apart since Shibuya

Tagged- @deniseabad1928 @secondary-character-25 @starlightanyaaa @notsaelty @d4rno @moonnime @kodzukein @yozora7154 @heijihattorisgf @elegantweirdorchest

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jen-said-that- · 4 months

Text

'I Think Maybe You Thought It Was Something Else' - Goldfinch Analysis

I expend so much mental energy thinking about this conversation. Was Boris really being honest here? Did their encounters mean so little to him? Tartt implies it did occur at least once after he began dating Kotku, so I'm not sure his explanation about 'needing girls' holds up. How heartbreaking for Theo, who so plainly adores Boris and has had an ongoing sexuality crisis over his experiences with him for years.

I did read a good analysis about this recently, which highlighted that Boris is a person of action. He is regularly dishonest and hyperbolic in speech, but he acts authentically. Therefore, I think he shows his love for Theo in the way he outwardly behaves towards him, both in Vegas era and NYC/Amsterdam time – he kisses him goodbye, he's the one to initiate all of their physical affection in general, and let's not forget his life advice, 'stay away from the ones you love too much, those are the ones who will kill you,' right before he quite literally risks his life for Theo and was willing to die so he could escape in that parking garage.

Why the aloof attitude about their sexual history, then? What's his motivation for undermining it in this offhand, callous manner? I think there are a few possibilities. Boris is very observant, and sees Theo's discomfort with queerness plainly over the years he's know him. Think about how defensive Theo becomes even just a few minutes before this interaction when Boris asks if Hobie is is partner, much to Boris's annoyance. Or, when they were in Vegas, how put off Theo acts when Boris asked if Hobie was 'an old poofter?' (said light-heartedly by Boris, but taken rather seriously by Theo). I get the sense that Boris suspects Theo is queer and very uncomfortable with it, and so he doesn't want deal with Theo's reaction to addressing their past sincerely.

Another possibility is tied up in Theo as an unreliable narrator. We find out in this conversation that Theo said and did a whole lot that we never heard about from his perspective during the Vegas years, whether that be due to him blacking out or simply because the narrative is framed through his own internalised homophobia. Who knows what he said to Boris about their relationship at that time, blackout drunk, or how his shame and discomfort generally affected Boris? I've always thought the suddenness of Boris's attachment to Kotku strange. He seems perfectly content and fulfilled by his intimate relationship with Theo and then one day is wholly engrossed in this random girl? This could be reaching, but I've imagined that perhaps Theo's unchecked depression and shame about his sexuality became too much for Boris. Perhaps he had to disengage for his own good.

Which brings me to my final conclusion – Boris here is essentially rejecting Theo before he gets 'rejected' himself, because loving someone who is ashamed of their sexuality feels like a constant rejection. Boris has faced a lot of loss and abandonment in his own life. He clearly fears vulnerability and real, lasting intimacy (consider his inability to remain in one place very long, lack of faithfulness in his various relationships, mistrust for anything stable or safe, etc). While he may not have the internalised homophobia in the same way Theo does (he seems fairly easy going and accepting towards other queer characters), his major obstacle to being honest with Theo about how he feels is his fear of rejection and commitment which permeates his adult life. Otherwise, this conversation would just indicate that he does not feel very deeply for Theo at all, which we know is not true. The text supports requited feelings between them that never get properly addressed. One of the (many) great tragedies of this novel.

#the goldfinch #boreo #the goldfinch analysis #boris and theo #boris pavlikovsky #theodore decker #boris x theo #boreo analysis #donna tartt

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