#mental fuckery
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I had a meltdown over my stomach last night. About my ass, thighs, everything that jiggles. I don't know what possessed me to try to put a pre-pregnancy outfit on only two weeks after the baby was born but it was so bad I locked the bedroom door.
For two hours.
We were supposed to go out and stay gone overnight, my mother in law set to watch the baby and oddly enthusiastic about getting rid of us for the evening.
"Everything okay in there? You all right?"
My husband had given me a full hour before checking on me, he must know something about my clothes that I had to find out the hard way.
"I'm fine." I really tried to sound like I had not been crying but failed miserably.
"Hey...what's that? Why are you crying?"
"I'm not." He jiggles the door handle HARD, aaaaand I should probably stop him before he rips it out completely. "I'm not physically injured in here. I'm not dying."
I hear a soft thud, and a softer Ukrainian curse as the light from under the door disappears. He must have parked. "But are you emotionally injured? I care about that too, you know."
I don't want to say yes because it's stupid. Two weeks postpartum is not a lot of time, and my old clothes aren't supposed to fit yet. I'm having a very roundly unreasonable expectation of myself and I try really hard not to do that.
"Yeah."
"Okay, well...you wanna reason it out or just sit with it for a while?" He's too nice to me, and it makes me cry some more. When will the hormones subside enough for me to stop crying all the time? "Milyy...let me in please. I won't say anything, I won't DO anything." Gotdamn, being around his Mama and her accent is really making his come out and if I didn't feel so ugly right now I'd jump his bones fer shure.
So I let him in and as it turns out, my husband is a filthy liar. The first thing he does is wrap me in his arms and pick me up. The second is ask me how he can fix whatever the hell is wrong with me.
"I just thought I'd bounce back faster."
He sets me down, and takes hold of my hands, his face extremely solemn. "Just bounce back on this dick and we'll figure the rest out later." I have to sit down at the foot of the bed after that one, his face is still very serious. "Why are you laughing? Bounce back faster...you're welcome to go at your own pace as far as Vlad is concerned."
"Stop."
He finally cracks just the tiniest smile possible. "Fine, fine. Pretend you don't know how many atrocities I'd commit just to get into those leggings."
"But..."
"Go on...feign ignorance as much as you want, I like it." He comes to stand in front of me, and lays his hand softly on the side of my face. "My sweet bunny, so silly. Upset over a little outfit when have the power to own my ass for the rest of my life. What's it like to be so silly, baby?"
I'm not really able to speak at the moment, looking up at him as his eyes go slightly dark, his tone so smooth and deep that I feel like I'm being lulled to sleep. I don't say anything until he hums...I guess he actually expects an answer.
"Not great."
"Well..." he bends down to kiss the tickly spot just below my ear. "Then let me make you feel better."
#hot librarian chronicles#husband material#baby number 2#postpartum anxiety#body image issues#mental fuckery#why is he like this
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I’m coping <2
#it’s me#i’m the mentally ill asexual#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel incorrect quotes#incorrect hazbin quotes#incorrect hazbin hotel quotes#alastor#asexual alastor#alastor hazbin hotel#fanby’s fuckery#asexual#a-spec
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Let that old man retire and live with his family!!!
#i don't think he will get an li#like in order to make it work with his age fuckery they'd have to age him physically#and have someone who's also mentally older than they physically are#but still the idea haunts me#i am a huge aroace five truther but even apart from that I think romance just doesn't work for his storyline#and esp in the last season where they're going to have to bring his arc to an end romance would just get in the way#five hargreeves#number five#tua#the umbrella academy#season 4#s4#tua s4
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i think one of the things i find compelling about rhaegar is that he’s a very good example of how selfish and destructive a martyr complex is. from what we know, it doesn’t feel like his obsession with the prophecy was overtly egotistical — less ‘i’m great ergo i’m the prince that is promised’, more ‘oh fuck, if this is true then unless i do these very specific things everyone and everything i know is doomed’.
and yet. there’s still something selfish about that. about assuming you have to be the one to solve the world’s problems. even when it eats you up, even when it isn’t some glorious purpose but a terrible shadow hanging over you. to assume you’re the only person who can do something — and, ironically, in trying to fulfil the prophecy and prevent the destruction of everyone he lover, he doomed pretty much all of them.
#asoiaf#asoiaf meta#rhaegar targaryen#to be clear this is just my interpretation#but i find it so interesting#and a very good example of how self-destructive behaviours are still selfish and destroy other people#i think the proverbial coin teetered more towards madness in his case#and by that i mean a combination of hereditary mental illness#general ominous narrative fuckery re: summerhall#and having aerys as a father#created a unique cocktail of awful that was destined to end somewhere tragic#also to be clear: not at all interested in rhaelya. that’s not fucking romantic. it’s creepy.
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#fine as fuck#next level fuckery#fuck trump#fuck russia#meet and fuck#fuck you#fuck doll#fucking grifters#mentally fucked#monster fucker#thicc as fuck
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loving reminder to my fatigue friends that if you are supposed to be resting for health reasons (whether you have cfs/me, some kind of post-viral fatigue, or other chronic illnesses causing fatigue), this does include your brain and spending your time in bed reading mentally and emotionally draining news for hours will not be helping and may be doing actual harm
#this is a reminder for myself#'why am i hitting a fatigue wall I've done so much less this week'#idk néide maybe because all the time you're sitting down or in bed you're bombarding your brain with awful shit to process#i know it feels bad to turn away from the bad shit#but. genuinely. sometimes you have to because negative mental stimulation is pushing you into a flare-up#generalised autoimmune fuckery
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Vela 🤝 Twitch: local fun-loving weirdo turns out to be Slightly more fucked up than anyone realized previously.
#james speaks#vela kepler#although vela’s fuckery is more like “being a weird mentally ill trans kid in nineteenth century europe definitely messes you up”#as opposed to “my memories were eaten by bees”#ze doesn’t get the neathy trauma until zir light fingers era
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2023 Australian Grand Prix - Fernando Alonso(ft. Max Verstappen & Lewis Hamilton)(my personal post-race highlights)
#i seriously think this race took like 10 years off my life#i think i aged about 50 yrs during it and had about 5 mental breakdowns#i dont think i can sum up all my thoughts: just look at my liveblogs and youll see my emotional rollarcoaster#to quote will buxton: “its been a long day.” AND I HAVENT EVEN SLEPT YET WAHHHHH#anyways absolutely wild race but yknow what im glad i experienced it and ty to you all for being here with me#when else am i gonna experience such fuckery#apologies to everyone affected by my yelling and screaming i think i lost my mind about 10 times#props to nando for his consistency#not only has he gotten p3 3 races in a row#but he also lost and regained his p3 twice in a very confusing way(i think i was abt to have an emotional breakdown at the third restart)#okay but things that make me squeal: THE WAY FERNANDO LOVES HIS TEAM AND THE WAY THEY LOVE HIM and THE WAY MAX TAPS HIM ON THE BACK HEHEHE#fernando alonso#max verstappen#lewis hamilton#2023 australian gp#fa14#mv1#lh44#we do a little bit of f1#f1#formula one#formula 1#(2023: 3/23 races watched)
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aheem heem… hello dearest mutual… uhm… renthubs + 14 mayhaps? :3c
14. bruised / kissed (x) (1285 words. help. you guys made me terrible)
It’s late, and the basement of the monolith is already starting to seep through with cold. Etho runs a hand up the back of his neck, trying to work out the tension from sleeping funny the night before. He’s been in this position for a good part of an hour, tracing out the lines of blueprints half understood. He sighs.
"Knock, knock."
Etho straightens, startling. He turns in his chair to notice the outline of Ren in the doorway of his workspace.
"Oh, hey, Ren,” he says, relaxing his shoulders. Ren smiles at him, his ears perking up.
“Mind if I come in?” he asks, raising his eyebrows. He’s carrying a cup in his hands.
“No, no,” Etho waves his roommate in, patting the desk, as if to say join me here, the space is yours, too. Which. A few months ago, may not have been the case. As Ren pulls from the doorway, Etho squints into the rest of his living space. "Is Bdubs..."
Ren shakes his head.
"No, he's asleep."
Etho nods.
"Ah,” he says, leaning back against the desk. He tucks his leg up against the back, tilting his head. “What're you still doing up?"
Ren sits at the edge of the desk. He glances behind him for a moment, making sure that, when he inevitably wags his tail, it won’t knock anything over. Etho smiles, something warm weaseling up next to his heart.
“Oh. I couldn’t sleep. I figured I might,” Ren taps his fingers against the cup he’s holding and Etho watches him glance between it and his face. “Uh, see if you wanted company until you went up.”
Etho smiles and his eyes crinkle. “Thanks.”
Ren nods. After a second, he holds out the mug he was holding to Etho. Etho reflexively holds his hands out, before Ren even speaks. He shifts in the chair to meet him better.
“Here,” Ren says. Etho holds the warm cup in the cradle of his hands. It smells sweet, almost like cinnamon, or nutmeg, some dark spice he can’t place.
“Oh. It’s...” He furrows his eyebrows. Coffee.
“You don’t have to drink it now,” Ren blurts. His ears pin back. Something in his voice asks I don’t know if you like it. How does he say I’ll drink it for you? Ren continues: “You can wait until I leave.”
“I appreciate it.” Etho laughs, setting the cup down. That alone seems to make Ren’s shoulder’s relax. Etho sees his ears twitch. He settles back again, draping his arm over his knee. Ren tilts his head, just a bit, waiting on the inevitable question he must sense in Etho’s posture. "What did I miss today?"
Ren grins. The way it lights up his face. Etho wants to bottle whatever that is. "Oh man. Plans. All across the floor,” he spreads his hands, glancing over at him. “We spent twenty minutes trying to lay them out but my god when we did. Etho have you seen—"
Etho leans forward. "The color on them?"
Ren swings out, bats at his arm. He bats him back.
"And the design!” Ren says, rocking back, gesturing wildly with his hands. “They don't even look like someone could build them. They're inhuman!"
Etho nods, watching Ren try so very hard not to wag his tail. Etho says, pressing his hands together:
"He's been developing this new way of shading things so that the gradients create the texture for him, he's redefining—"
"Negative space," they say together.
"Exactly,” Ren sighs. “Wow."
Etho hums. Ren settles back against the desk, both hands behind him.
"It's nice having someone else to look after him, y'know,” Etho says. Ren inclines his head, ears perking up.
"Bdubs?"
Etho smiles.
"Mhm."
Ren huffs out a laugh, pressing a hand to his chest. He dips his head, as if it’ll prevent Etho from seeing the flush on his face.
"It's. An honor that you trust me to do it."
Etho traces the lip of the cup. He shrugs.
"Sure. You're an easy guy to trust."
Ren shakes his head, smiling, voice carrying a sheepish laugh.
"Please."
"I mean it."
“I know, I know,” Ren says, still laughing a little. There’s a lull, just for a moment, the two of them sitting quietly. Ren looks into his hands before he speaks again, quiet and still smiling.
"I care about you too, y'know."
"Yeah?" Etho snorts. But Ren sounds too sincere when he says it. Etho replays scenes in his head. Little things. Moments. Ren makes him breakfast. Ren tells him to be safe. Ren says to go to bed. Ren brings him tea. His favorite tea. Ren listens. Ren leans back in when Etho leans against him, too tired to walk back alone from another redstone project. Ren trusts him to critique his building, something he’s only ever been asked to do by Bdubs. Bdubs leaves them together. He tells Bdubs late one night that he likes Ren. It isn’t the stronger word. But Bdubs lights up nonetheless. He’s reading his mind. And Ren says:
"Yeah,” in a soft voice.
Etho feels something in his chest seize. He pushes the mug forward on the desk to put his hand down, pulling himself out of the chair and to a stand.
“Ren,” he says, his hand half outstretched between them. Ren glances over.
“Hm?”
“I, uh,” he swallows. For some reason, the words don’t sound right in his mouth. Not like he can’t say them, but that they’re suddenly not good enough. There is something much too bright and great in his chest to be encapsulated by words alone. He holds his hand out, palm up, and Ren, after a beat of hesitation, sets his hand on his. Etho turns his hand over. He reads over the fine lines of his hand. He wonders if he were to run his thumbs over his palm if it would be softer than his own. Maybe. Maybe.
Etho sighs to settle his nerves. He feels his hands start to twitch, just a little, so he squeezes Ren’s hand and watches his fingers curl reflexively. Etho reaches up and tucks his fingers under one of the loops of his mask.
“I figured this was right,” Etho says. “Given the circumstances.”
Ren’s eyes are wide.
“What circumstances are those?” He says like the breath is caught in his chest.
Etho unhooks the mask from one ear, then the other. It’s. His hands are shaking. He swallows hard. He hears Ren take in a breath that sounds too sharp to be good.
“I uh, I think,” Etho manages. He sets the mask on the table. He lets go of Ren’s hand. “I just figured out what loving a new person feels like.”
Ren holds his hand in the space between them. When Etho meets his eye, Ren’s gaze flicks over his face. He’s smiling. He’s smiling.
“How long you been figuring it out?” he asks.
Etho smiles, too. “A while, I think.”
Ren’s tail is wagging. Etho is smiling. Ren’s hand is coming up, not to trace his scar or his mouth of too sharp teeth or the split of his lip. He holds the right side of his face in his hand and he’s smiling. He traces the rise of his cheek and Etho leans into it. He feels something bubble up in his chest that might burst and take him with it.
“Yeah,” Ren says. "Me too.”
And he pulls Etho to him. (And Etho goes, kisses him. All his confessions have been with a kiss. All of them are just as sweet. And when Etho sleeps tonight, he is bracketed by two people who love him.)
#renthubs#hermitshipping#renthedog#rendog#ethoslab#bdoubleo100#hermitcraft#rentho#hermitcraft fic#mcyt#mcyt fic#text#fics#oh the fuckery..evrybody want to be my enemy..#i accidentally sent this to you ghost you shouldn't've read this#i'm just mentally switching y'all's prompts in my head#thank you for the proper vetting bdubsgirls i love you sm#go.. be insane in the tags and in my askbox..#the first of many renthubs to come#asks#peskyybird#behold...dogboy
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Obsessed with adhd/autistic König getting hit with Happy Wiggles™ when he gets a moment alone after good things happen. "Good things" might include getting a compliment for something, or remembering that he still has some of his favorite sweets stashed in his bag, or getting a hug from someone- or sometimes his brain will just hit him up with some dopamine and he has to find a spot to shake it out.
Happy wiggles where it starts in his hips and his head and just shakes vigorously, until he can work that shaken-can-of-soda feeling down into something manageable, giving a couple waves of his hands before he goes on with his day.
Also kinda obsessed with the thought of Soap seeing it happen, and half laughing at the sight until he sees the way König freezes and goes all shy again- Soap questions until he gets the jist of it and "oh, I get that sometimes-"
And then Ghost sees it, and König is a lil embarrassed at being caught doing weird shit, but Ghost just nods and "as you were" because he understands, even if no one on the team would really know that 030
#anyway none of them are neurotypical#theyre my sillies#and i can do what i want with them and their mental states#meme fuckery#writing stuff#cod stuff#könig call of duty#könig cod#soapböx#john soap mactavish#Johnny is fully adhd and yall can fight me on that#his silly brain just brrrrrrrrr before it pings with something for him to hyperfixate on
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1.15 A.M - a one shot comic based on the fic Love Is Just A Thing That Others Do by Holicanth
Premise: Kujou Sara asks the infamous Arataki Itto to join her fight the war by being a double agent. Infiltrate the Resistance and help Sara end the war.
#kujou sara#arataki itto#ittosara#saraitto#genshin#genshin impact#holicanvas#holi's art#so#read my fic if u want ehehegeh#its a dead dove with lots of mental fuckery and stuff so be wary#dark fiction thingz amirite#genshin impact fanart
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Different kind of day
Today is not a day for change
Not a day for promises
Today is not a day of reckoning
Not a day for promises
Today is a day of insecurity
Not a day for promises
Today is the day of doubt and anxiety
Not a day for promises
Today is a day that happens
Not a day for promises
Today is a day I can barely handle
Not a day for promises
And I'd like to swear an oath
I'd like to make a vowe
To change, to try and to succeed
But today is a different kind of day
Not a day for promises
#poetry#poem#poetry community#poet#tumblr poetry#my poetry#original poetry#my poem#poets of tumblr#tumblr poet society#writerblr#writblr#writeblrcafe#anxiety#mental health fuckery for the win
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textposting about rosaline since i was banned in procreate (/j)
it is just a bunch of random facts about her without explanations because im still willing to draw things. just not now
.unlike some arcanists she cant sense graphic/somewhat clear omens, but she still has some sort of sixth sense, which in her case is closer to a human intuition, just a little more precise and without logical explanation behind
.shes overall heavily affected by human society and has some kind of inner arcanophobia like mesmer does, but unlike mesmers her prejudices are about viewing humans as higher than herself rather than viewing arcanists as lower than humans.
.as a result of her worldview, she tries to present herself more "humane", suppressing her emotions and ignoring her mental wellbeing, which as expected drains her psyche and makes her more sensitive (around other arcanists shes less self-conscious since her beliefs are based on learnt fear of humans)
.despite being mainly a sculptress, she sometimes makes pencil sketches. both as concepts for her future projects and just sketches of her surroundings for practice
.creating statues of living people is a taboo for her because she can control them and thus considers it unethical
.sensory part of her arcane skill causes her to have headaches and sleep issues, so she oftenly drinks herbal teas catering to those problems
#thats why i decided to make calico her temporary companion#having open-minded and accepting human by her sidefir a lobg time might change her self-perception a little#before absolute fuckery starts happenhbg to her mental state :)))))#sdrnvoice#sdrnverse
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ocs
#idea n 978 of a rpgmaker game. about gods their rebirth and the mental fuckery of creating a self identity when youre technicaly another guy#also about how fantasy scifi is sickkk#ocs#moon#moonie#rabisco#original#digital
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how would the lab characters react to a situation like catalyst adam?
They actually had a situation similar when Adam was first experimented on-
Basically he was. So overwhelmed by the sudden new eyesight, seeing further, seeing colors he’s never seen before, plus the pain and soreness in his eyes and head from the experiments themselves. It took. An hour or two for him to calm down
Gabriel and Amanda didn’t care that much. Believing it was nothing more than a byproduct of the experiment.
Mark HATED the screaming, covering his ears the best he could due to it being. So loud
Cesar felt bad for the guy but didn’t interact with him much at that point
Jonah and Sarah have never seen him in such a state before.
#asks are neat#tmc labrats au#patient 05 (adam)#plus Adam didn’t even realize it then but. he had his mental fuckery powers at that point too#wondered why people avoided eye contact#plus. he wondered why he saw things that weren’t actually there.
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