Prompt 194
Bart is frozen. He’s terrified- his heart is beating faster in his chest than it’s ever done before yet he couldn’t even start to force himself to run, his body practically vibrating in place as he shook.
There was a familiar feeling in the air, one he’d never thought he’d ever feel again once he’d slipped back in time. He couldn’t breathe, everything felt like it was falling away except for that horrifying fiery aura-
“Kid, are you okay?” There was a hand on his shoulder, light as a feather (he’d learned that from gramps!) yet grounding.
He finally managed to suck in a breath, however wheezy, and looked up to answer, the words dying in his throat before they even began.
“Kid? Holy shit-” Bart didn’t hear anything else as his poor brain fizzled and he fainted.
Danny blinks down at the barely-teenager who seemed to just have some sort of attack before fainting practically in his arms. He’d say diabetes or something, but he has no way to be sure and is maybe panicking himself.
“Wow Mum, wha’ you do?” a toddler Dan- he knew what he did but honestly his baby lisp was adorable- snarked from next to him, chewing on his kid leash.
Which he wasn’t getting out of until he could both stop floating whenever he saw the stars (yes he knew he used to do the same thing, shush) and walk out into traffic.
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content note: discussion of suicide.
this next monday will be the six year anniversary of losing one of my friends to suicide.
when he died, my high school barely mentioned his death, even though for other students who died by things like car crashes or illness, there were so many public expressions of grief. they believed that having any memorials for a student who died by suicide would encourage other people to die the same way. in their rush to erase the circumstances of his death, they erased the memory of his life.
there are so many things i am angry at that high school about in terms of how they treated mental health (mandatory reporting and collaborating with cops, their refusal to recognize the ways in which that system led to peer-to-peer crisis support, their refusal to recognize the ways that trying to keep each other alive through trial and error was scary and exhausting, carceral disciplinary policies, etc etc etc). but i think one of the things i am still angriest about is the way they enforced shame around his death. it felt like they were retroactively blaming him for the constellation of circumstances that made suicide an option in his life. it felt like they were blaming those of us who missed him and cared about him and wanted to grieve him. it made those of us still there who were actively suicidal feel even more scared about the reaction if we did reach out for help from one of those mythical safe adults.
as an adult now involved in psych abolition/mad liberation work, it makes me so fucking mad to see the ways in which he was discarded by people in authority positions. and the older i get, the more options i have found in my life for making sense of the world and finding healing and community and support which were never available to him because he died when he was 16 and the only things offered to him were a carceral psychiatric system that blamed him for his own fucking death. it feels so incredibly unfair.
i miss him and i think i always will; i can't remember his laugh or the sound of his voice or his favorite color any more and that aches. this grief is so heavy and it feels harder in a new way each year, when i become older than he will ever be. sometimes meeting new comrades or seeing new anticarceral suicide support models hurts because i wish so fucking bad that we had that back then. i remember how close we came to losing even more people that year and i know it is simple fucking luck that i'm still here when he's not.
i remember another letter (never sent) that i wrote to a friend while they were in an ICU bed after a suicide attempt when i didn't know if they would live or not. i have spent so much time in the past 10 years begging for anything to keep me and my friends alive, but even in that letter i knew that there is so much fucking violence that is hidden beneath psychiatric logics of cure and safety that promise a "solution" to suicide. I knew that institutionalization, coercion, and shame would not have helped build a life more liveable for him or **** or any of the people i've loved and lost since.
there needs to be more fucking options for care and support that aren't so incredibly cruel to suicidal people. i know so many people doing incredible work in alternatives, peer respite, a million different frameworks for healing and liberation. but it makes me so mad every day i have to live in a world where there are still people restrained, locked up in psych wards, having all autonomy and personhood taken away from them. knowing there are dozens of people every day getting blamed for their deaths the same way he was blamed for his.
i miss him. i cared so fucking much for him. and he died by suicide, and all of those things are true. he has been dead for 6 years and he lived before that and the people who loved him want to remember all of him; our celebrations of his life should not require hiding the way that he died.
Image description: [1000 origami cranes in all different colors and patterns that are tied together in strings of 25]
(these were the 1000 cranes we made to give to his parents, in memorial and recognition of how much he meant to us.)
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"i want to get married."
iwaizumi's head snaps up at your statement his attention diverted from his phone to you and his brows furrow in confusion "what?"
"i want to get married." you repeat yourself again, leaning back against the couch cushions and throwing your legs over the armrest.
iwaizumi scoffs, a confused smile on his face "this is the last joke, right?" he questions, frowning down at you as you're looking up at him — it's a bit late into the afternoon, but too early for you to start saying nonsense since you've always been so adamant about not getting married.
you roll your eyes at him, "no." and iwaizumi's frown deepens, "are you okay?" he asks.
you scowl at him "the hell's that supposed to mean?"
he shrugs, his gaze turning back to his screen "just...you're being weird again."
"you're so rude and for what." you huff, rolling your eyes again, you cross your arms, now staring at the ceiling above, "i want to get married, haji."
"can't help you with that." he's still scrolling through his phone, not paying much mind to you.
"i want to have like, a las vegas wedding." you say, and iwaizumi turns off his phone — now you've captured his attention since he stares at you as if you've grown two head, you grin at his expression and iwaizumi assumes the worst — is it that you're suggesting you want to go to las vegas? it is only a four hour drive from california after all.
"a las vegas wedding?" iwaizumi questions as if making sure he heard you correctly.
"yeah like, you know, the ones in those casinos?" you gesture around with your hands as if to emphasize your point, "like i wanna throw on a white dress — but like, not the puffy ones, like a party dress, sequins and glitter one — or you know what, actually, a puffy dress would be awesome." you ramble on, iwaizumi's looking down at you, amused, "anyway, what i'm saying is that i wanna get absolutely hammered, throw on a white dress and get married in vegas."
iwaizumi snorts, "who you gonna get married to?"
"i don't know." you shrug, you reposition yourself now so that your head is laying in his lap and you look up at him, grinning mischievously, "you."
iwaizumi's eyes slightly widen, the tips of his ears turning pink and he groans, pushing you off of him, "you're so weird." he may have pushed you a little too hard that you fell off the couch with a dull thud.
he tries to ignore his skipped heartbeat as your laughter echoes through the living and iwaizumi's hand is curled at his mouth to hide his smile, "come on." you chide, "you know — say, we do get married in vegas, technically then, you'll only be married in vegas."
iwaizumi frowns, "that's not true, who told you that?" you're looking up at him with an entertained smile on your face, "you know, it's way too easy get married in vegas, right? why do you think so many people get married accidentally when they're drunk?"
iwaizumi scoffs, and leans back on the couch, arms crossed — it was a calm afternoon on his day off until you started on with your marriage shit, but unfortunately ( fortunately ) for him, you were his best friend, and roommate, so he had to put up with it, even if he has to pretend to be annoyed sometimes.
he says, "i really hope one day you'll finally mature enough that you stop saying weird shit all of the time."
you laugh, "you're just jealous you can't be as creative as me." iwaizumi rolls his eyes, watching as you get up from the ground and walk closer to him, too close actually that your face is right up his, "but it's fine, i'll get that vegas wedding one day."
you laugh, drawing back away from him and iwaizumi looks away, a slight blush tinting his cheeks, "yeah, dream on."
you hum in response, and with the way your gaze seems to be a bit too distant, iwaizumi assumes you've gone off on to your own little world now, you're no longer looking at him, instead staring at the tv that has a spanish show playing that neither of you understand, but he knows you're not listening when he mumbles a soft, "maybe even a real wedding." under his breath.
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no one:
me: let’s check the vibe of the leverage facebook group
(blurred out my name for privacy)
at first people passed the vibe check with heart/care reacts, thumbs up… and then the boomers came
a lot of people settled on it’s some configuration of parker/eliot or hardison/eliot give off sibling vibes and hardison is dating parker, but a fair amount of folks said they would accept or would like the ot3. one based guy was like ‘if it drives the story then power to them’. someone else just commented ‘till my dying day’, another said ‘I mean… they already measured his head for the robot bodies’. someone else said they like brother sister eliot and parker but queerplatonic with parker and hardison dating is still good to them.
and then there was one woman who basically said if you don’t want honest answers you shouldn’t ask the questions and then said eliot is a good friend/brother to them and love does not need to be romantic or sexual to be strong (girlie what do you think queerplatonic means 😭💀)
also JUST got this gem (and am going to report them)
edit with my response:
last edit: she was kicked out of the group after 💀
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Edel dying and becoming Uzura is one of the most powerful things to me in Princess Tutu to me. She is a great parallel to Mytho. Mytho loses his emotions. He lives without them, and he has to learn how to deal with them again when he get's them back. Edel never had feelings. She never got to learn. She had to be reborn to properly learn her emotions. Some day I want to do a breakdown of this because Edel and Uzura are the same but different. I think Uzura joining Drosselmeyer at the end is also really important. She fulfills the same job as Edel, but now she is her own person. Unlike Edel who was always told she is a puppet without emotions and had come to "pretend" to have emotions, Uzura is a girl with emotions first and informed she's a puppet second. I truly believe Edel had emotions because she has no logical reason to do what she did if she didn't care for the main cast. She even died expressing a want to see Mytho and Princess Tutu dance together. Wanting something is an emotion even if Edel says it is all pretend. I believe Edel was compartmentalizing her feelings because of her identity as "just a puppet." Uzura is a second chance. Uzura gets to feel freely. Being a puppet isn't something to hold her back. She loves. She's curious. She's a person.
As someone who has highly compartmentalized their emotions to the point where they have trouble identifying that they have emotions, Edel and Uzura are so special to me. When I have tried to start feeling again, I often get called childish and told I'm overreacting. This has led me to stop trying to feel and go back to compartmentalizing. I think this is why Edel had to die for Uzura to get to feel. Because only a child is allowed to deconstruct emotion like that. I love the little wooden dolls. They are everything to me.
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