HELP WHY DID I STOP WHAT I WAS DOING TO MAKE THIS?!?!?!

i’ve been double-teamed by both @nihil-ism & @demonrunningwild to post 5 things that make me happy. (that’s one thing to add to the list 😏)

i did one of these recently but i cant even remember what i put on it so i’ll try give a bit more insight to my answers:

coffee

there may be a caffeine addiction at play here but coffee honestly just makes me happy. i’m not fussy about what kind, but i prefer them strong, hot, and black as my damaged wee heart 🖤

and i love being a total homo with a tasty ice coffee (especially because i hate the sun and hot weather.)

there are elements of grounding techniques from the taste, smell and sensations that i learned during therapy that i think contribute to the overall experience for me.

(also when i’m feeling self destructive i love pushing myself over the edge with caffeine anxiety attacks, but i don’t think that’s very ‘happy’ lol.)

video games

i’ve been such a gamer since i was a child and as i’ve grown up i’ve found myself using these experiences as a way of processing things i’m dealing with. i love good storytelling and also overcoming challenges and problem solving.

i typically tend to play 3 main genres: survival horror, fantasy/rpg, and souls-like action-rpgs.

i love scary things and the sense of achievement i get from surviving my way through a horror game, i always find these characters more relatable because of the ordeals they’re facing.

i get really emotional playing huge fantasy games set in incredible worlds, and i love the archetype of light versus dark - which is why my faves are mainly from the final fantasy franchise, with casts of wonderful characters fighting together against otherwordly adversaries.

the reason i love souls-like games is because of the beauty in the stories, lore, and world design, but also the intense difficulty level, forcing you to keep trying over and over until you finally succeed. i once saw a youtube video where someone spoke about how dark souls helped them battle their depression and it really spoke to me too.

my bf

we’ve been together over 10 years now, which is a lifetime away from my unstable love life during my teens-early 20s, with several bfs, more awful first-dates than i can remember, and more one night stands than i even want to try and remember 🤣

we’re very different people and i used to struggle with this in the beginning, but over the long term we’ve given eachother some parts of what we’re each missing. i’ve changed so much during our relationship and he has been the right partner to keep me grounded during some extremely difficult personal development. i’ve engaged with treatment for my mental illnesses, now over 1.5ys sober, become more responsible, and learned to take better care of myself in general. i like having someone who i can take of, to work on improving myself so i can bring more happiness to his life too, and we really work together to try and make things a bit easier on us both.

even after 10+ years i still struggle with those ‘frantic fears or abandonment (real or imagined)’ on an almost daily basis, but our life together has helped me to find some kind of manageable stability.

autumn

my favourite time of year, mainly because i don’t like sunshine and warm weather. winter is nice but i don’t enjoy christmas so i find it all quite stressful.

autumn is the right balance for me because i love dressing in layers, and it’s the right colour palette for me with reds, blacks, and dark oranges. i love chunky knitwear, plaid shirts, scarves, and big black boots.

i also love all the seasonal coffees and things that show up, and i loooove halloween.

people around me always seem to be depressed when summer is over, but i know i’ve always felt different to average people and i feel more at home when the weather is colder, darker, are more uncertain. i hate summer, so i’m usually depressed during those months haha.

butt stuff

alright, i was gonna try keep it wholesome but honestly this is just me, and it’s a serious answer lol.

i’m really self-conscious about my body but i feel confident and powerful when it comes to my butt 😅🥹 i love cute underwear that enhances my features haha.

when i was younger i used sex as a replacement for self-esteem, to try and make people like me, but there are still things from those times that i carry into a healthier relationship today.

on a much, much more serious note, i like the agency i get from being in control of my body (and what goes into it lol.)

i’m also not an athletic person but i’ve set myself goals and challenges to overcome in different ways 🥴

i have a bit of a collector mentality, at one point in time i had like 40-50 or so toys, but i’ve de-cluttered down to a single drawer of dildos and a toolbox of other items.

but like, i have such variety for my different moods that it actually does make me happy. you could say i’m finding more creative ways to fill that black-hole void in my heart 😏 i love my cute comfy small plugs for video gaming days, my bigger boys for when i have too much energy, my really big boys for when i’m up for a challenge, the escapism of a fantasy/monster dildo, and i always feel like a good boy when i’m wagging my tail plug 🐶

thanks for tagging me cuties 😘 i hope i didn’t gross anyone out 🥹

20 Questions for Writers

Thanks for the tag @fanfictasia!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

51 under my current account, though floating around AO3 are the fics I left up when I deleted my old account in a fit of rage (don’t ask 😅). So, 51 plus twenty or so under no name.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

208,386!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I’m in a lot more fandoms than I’ve published writing for so I actually had to check AO3 to remind myself what I actually write fics for 😂 I have the most fics for Star Wars, though I currently mainly write for The Mysterious Benedict Society and BBC Merlin. I also had a brief Miraculous phase and a few scattered fics from random fandoms.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

1. Rebel Pilot (Star Wars) - Anakin Skywalker finds himself suddenly and inexplicably in a cell with Princess Leia Organa on the first Death Star. When he realizes he’s in the future, chaos ensues, revelations are made, and Luke is the ray of sunshine that keeps them all together. (Oh, and there’s a Skywalker family road trip to kill the emperor and save the galaxy)

2. Viral (Star Wars) - thirteen-year-old Anakin runs a Space Tik Tok account in which he films Obi-Wan doing random things and posts it. Obi-Wan has no idea who is running this horrible fan account.

3. This Part Was Not Foretold (Merlin) - Upon seeing Merlin doing magic, Arthur comes to the conclusion that his friend has been possessed by an evil sorcerer who must be stopped.

4. Jealousy, Jealousy (Miraculous) - Adrien, in an attempt to make Lila as jealous as Marinette as possible, blurts out that they are dating. They are not dating. (But maybe they soon will be 👀) (also SERIOUSLY there’s a miraculous fic in my top five? That was like. My most embarrassing hyperfixation ever. Can we just forget that happened??)

5. Pen Pals Across Time (Star Wars) - Ahsoka convinces Anakin and Obi-Wan to write letters to their future selves. You know, as an exercise. But then the Force sends the letters. Chaos ensues.

Well, this was a real reminder that I did not always peacefully exist within the quaint, whimsical, slightly chaotic fandom that is The Mysterious Benedict Society. For this game, I have ventured beyond the secure perimeter. But as an honorable mention, this is my most popular TMBS fic by kudos:

The Two Mr. Benedicts - Constance uses naming confusion regarding Mr. Benedict and his redeemed twin brother to be a chaotic little gremlin.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always! I want them to know I appreciate that they took the time to let me know they enjoyed my work, as this motivates me to write more in the future. Sometimes I may take a slight while, but I always do it!

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I almost ALWAYS give my angst happy endings. I was only able to find a SINGULAR FIC with an angsty ending out of all my fics! Our Forgotten Bond is a Star Wars fic about Anakin being brainwashed into attacking Ahsoka and only remembering who he is after he killed her. Yeah. Ouch. I only wrote it because of Angstpril that year okay 😭

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

All of them? Even my angst tends to end happy. Half my fics are just crack so whether the ending is happy is irrelevant. Most of my fics have satisfying endings 😅 I can’t pick one!

8. Do you get hate on your fic?

People used to give me annoyingly critical analyses on my Merlin fics, which I deleted bc they weren’t worth my time. But especially since I’ve been mainly in the TMBS fandom, everyone’s been super supportive!

9. Do you write smut?

Nope. G and T ratings only around here!

10. Do you write crossovers?

Yes, but all of mine are WIPs right now with varyingly recent updates 😅

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, someone offered to translate Revel Pilot into a language. I cannot remember what language and when I look at its name in the characters of the original I can’t read it and I don’t want to guess and be wrong and offensive so. A Language

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

I used to do writing circles on discord where we’d take turns writing portions of the story, so if that counts, then yes! You can tell which ones they are on AO3 because they have a ton of authors lol.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Yikes. Anidala, I believe. Or perhaps Percabeth. Huge sokeefe shipper. Jorgen/Spensa heals me. This question hurts me.

15. What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

My Anidala cutting edge AU. I just wish someone else would write it 😭 I love it but cannot create it right now or possibly ever.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, and when I put thought into it, prose. I’m good at character introspection and understanding of their relationships. Also, humor—I can make fics hilarious way easier than I can make them touching. (Yes, I think I’m funny. No, I don’t care if you disagree 😂)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action scenes and planning of long plot lines. Also, keeping a serious fic from devolving into crack.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I’m comfortable doing it in Spanish bc I know it, I feel anxious when using google translate for other languages, and as far as fictional languages go (such as Mando’a in SW fics or the language of the Old Religion in Merlin fics) I just copy and paste things from the internet!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Bet you think the answer is going to be Star Wars, huh? Nope. Keeper of the Lost Cities. When I was ten. On Wattpad. Don’t go looking for it.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

AH NO DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE. I’m a particular fan of Rewriting Destiny (my Star Wars/Merlin crossover), Things my heart still needs to know (my Newsies/Anastasia crossover), and Holding On to You (one of my many TMBS Benedict Twins fics!)

This was fun! No pressure tagging: @nobodysdaydreams @sophieswundergarten @phtalogreenpoison @heyitsthatonesmolgay @any avid fic writer who wants to jump on in!

8 shows to get to know me

thanks for tagging me @someguywife

an excuse to talk about the shows I like? sign me the fuck up!

WARNING: A LOT OF INFO DUMBING I TRIED TO JUST SUM UP WHAT I LIKED ABOUT THESE SHOWS BUT I COULDN'T RESIST GOING ON LONG TANGENTS ABOUT THEM SO I GAVE UP ON THAT REAL QUICK

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

1) what we do in the shadows- I mean considering how much I post about it and the fact it got me to write my first ever fanfic no shit I love this show! I mean it's got gay people, causal murder, people who have no idea wtf they're doing, vampires, weird ass CGI baby for a season, emotional devastation, did I say gay people? I will admit when I first watched the show I honestly thought it was just ok (may have to do with the fact that halfway through watching it I got sick which is funny cause when I watched the OG film I was also sick and I'm sick now while working on my fic- AM I CURSED!?) but after showing my friends the 2014 film decided to rewatch the show before showing it to them and got fucking OBSESSED. Never been a huge fan of vampire shit but now whatever vampire media I consume next HAS to have gay people in it thanks to this show. It still feels weird to have a character I like and relate to that I can kinda actually see myself in like Guillermo and while we're not 100 the same I still kinda feel seen which is fucking weird ngl. HIS COMING OUT SCENE MADE ME CRY THE SECOND TIME I WATCHED IT. (probably cause that's roughly how coming out to my parents as trans and pan went just without the whole working for vampires thing) Low key scared for what the fuck season 5 has in store :D

2) our flag means death- I fucking LOVE this show! shout out to my friend for showing it to me cause I never would have thought that a show about gay pirates would be for me. Our flag means death has just this vibe to it that has me addicted to it and the love story that I'm STILL surprised a year later they actually went through with just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The fact that a show that does what our flag means death does AND GET RENEWED FOR A SECOND SEASON brings a big fat smile to my face! Stede going in head first with an obsession while having no idea what he's doing is a fucking mood. can't wait for season 2 hopefully it won't leave me screaming at my screen like last season! OH YEAH I ALMOST FORGOT I'm SO glad they portrayed Mary the way they did! like they could have easily made her into an unforgivable bitch or homophobic as fuck but no I mean sure she's upset for what Stede did (if you were in her shoes you would be too) but after attempted murder and a bunch of shenanigans beforehand they talk it out and find a compromise that they both like and the fact that she's happy for him for finding love even if it's a guy and she isn't secretly jealous or disgusted by it is just *chef's kiss* so good.

3) moral orel- well let's go from modern live-action shows with gay people to a stop-motion adult cartoon from the mid 2000s! I can still remember watching this show for the first time since I binged it all in one night (by the time I finished it it was like 5am WOOPS) and I don't fucking regret it this show is just fucking fantastic. I HATE THAT IT WAS PULLED FOR BEING "TOO DARK" THE MORE I READ ABOUT WHAT THEY HAD PLANNED THAT THEY HAD TO CANCEL DUE TO THE SHOW'S CANCELLATION THE MORE PISSED OFF I GET! Like it's the darker episodes that make the show SO DAMN GOOD and memorable. HELL the episode that got the show canceled (I think it's called alone) IS ONE OF THE BEST EPISODES. The way it portrayed people handling trauma is fucking fascinating and it's a shame the episode is what got the show pulled. The season two finale two-parter I also up there as one of the greatest episodes in the show. The way the tone shifts as Clay gets more and more drunk and what went from a thing mainly played for laughs turns into a painful moment for Orel as he realizes just how awful his dad is especially when he's drunk. This isn't to say the less serious episodes aren't good. The show can be really funny when it wants to but it's just the more serious episode that leaves an impact on you. When hopping into the show for the first time I heard it was a satire show that was a parody of christian shows I was expecting every other joke to be bible bad (not a christian so I wouldn't have gotten offended but still it would have gotten tiring) but god I was relieved when I found out it was more making fun of those who use faith for all the wrong reasons then pointing the blame to an old ass book. overall 10/10 show that might not be everyone's cup of tea but I personally LOVE it. It's been a while since I last watched it but talking about it makes me wanna watch the entire show again. TL;DR: I fucking love this show and the reason it got canceled is the reason why I love it.

4) invader zim- OK time to move on to something less serious. It's also been a bit since I've last seen this show but it still has a close place in my heart. Invader zim aka the reason I have a tumblr account in the first place (though it wasn't until later when I started to actually use it. when I first made this account it was to lurk) is a nice little show I can watch and not over analyze the shit out of. (I do that a lot with shows I like) I watched this show at a very interesting time in my life. I had recently realized I was trans and had no idea how I was going to tell anyone and funnily enough a couple of days after I realized I was trans quarantine hit so needless to say it was an interesting time for me. This show and the fan stuff on tumblr for the show kept me sane. Dib was one of the first characters I ever related to and as you can tell by me still using him as my profile pic I still do. another show that the more I learn about what they had to cancel due to the show being canceled the more pissed off I get. I forget this is a kid's show half the time.

5) hannibal- I feel bad for my friends cause when I finished this show I WOULDN'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT. This show is the reason I actually use my tumblr account. (cause I paused it and it looked like Will and Hannibal were about to kiss and I needed to share it with someone and none of my friends have seen the show so I threw it onto here and the rest was history) I don't remember why I watched this show but I'm glad I did cause it's fucking great the mystery the first time you watch it and the set up of the answer the second time you watch it is just *chef's kiss* 10/10. The way they portrayed Will and Hannibal's relationship is so fascinating like it's so complex AND GAY. I WANT ANOTHER SEASON DAMN IT THAT CLIFF HANGER (hehe cliff) HAD BEEN KILLING ME EVER SINCE THE FIRST WATCH!!!!!!

6) the last of us- Ok so confession: I haven't finished the show (I have one episode left but I'm watching it with friends so it's probably going to be a bit before I watch it) BUT FUCK DO I LIKE THIS SHOW. I haven't played the games but from what I heard this is a rare video game adaptation that ISN'T dogshit so I might watch a let's play of the game after we finish it since I like the show so much. This has to be one of the most realistic representations of a zombie apocalypse I've ever seen. (granted I haven't consumed much zombie media and it could be the fact that before this the same friend is showing us the walking dead which granted CAN be good at times the way characters act most of the time at least at the point we were at before taking a break where annoying and frustrating) EPISODE 3 WAS THE FIRST TIME I EVER SOBBED AT A SHOW. Fun(?) fact: that date on the letter at the end of that episode august 29 IS MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY 😭. I'm afraid of what episode 9 has in store.

7) south park- despite having a dad who quotes this show and would watch episodes in the living room growing up it wasn't until after watching the last of us one time with friends did I ever end up watching a full episode of the show. (I forgot what episode we watched before watching south park but we all decided we needed a pick me up after it) While I'm not obsessed with this show and I haven't seen all of it (if it was possible to watch that much south park without going insane) I still like this show. Another one of those shows I can watch casually without overanalyzing it. Whenever I need a break from writing my fic or whenever I just feel like it I just pick an episode I heard was good and just watch it. The history behind this show and behind certain episodes I've always found interesting. Though I'm going to be honest for now I'm going to avoid most modern episodes cause I've heard mixed things about newer seasons. Butter's own episode, Cartman sucks, and Butters's bottom bitch has to be some of my favorite episodes. if you can't tell by my fav episodes Butters is my favorite character.

8) the owl house - FUCK YOU DISNEY THIS SHOW DESERVED BETTER!!!! Another kid's show I forget is a kid's show. the way the boiling isles are drawn hell the overall art of the show is just so fucking fantastic. THERE'S GAY IN IT!!!! LIKE ACTUAL CANONICAL GAY IN A DISNEY SHOW!!!!! I never thought I would see the day BUT HERE I AM AND AAAAAAA LUZ AND AMITY ARE SOOOO CUTE TOGETHER! KING OMFG KINGGGGGGGGGGG HE'S MY LITTLE BABY AND THE SEASON TWO FINALE MADE ME STRESS EAT FOR THE FIRST TIME. So sad that season three was cut down to three episodes. The idea that something you put a bunch of hard work into can be cut short cause someone didn't like the vibe is fucking BULLSHIT!

I would tag other people here but in the wise words of Laszlo

𝐓𝐄𝐍 NINE 𝐐’𝐒:  

1. When are you usually online?

In the afternoon and late into the night at the moment due to work schedules. Literally this time last year I was getting off of work around the time I'm getting out of bed now. But I'm always lurking, watching videos or streams while playing a game or working. 

2. What verses are you involved in?

None? I’m not in any fandoms and I’ve never been compelled to create a verse for Hibi to fit into a specific media. I feel comfortable with the current selection I have now to morph those if need be to fit other’s. I only had the main verse in the past so it’s nice mixing it up a little, though.

3. What is your biggest RP pet peeve?

I guess someone consistently being on and active on the timeline but only writing with a one or two people. It just feels rude when it continues for months to the point of it being a theme. Like being invited to watch my friends play while I sit and pretend to tie my shoes. I don’t even care if you reply to a thread 8 months late if you at least vaguely acknowledge prompts or memes and aesthetics that I’ve dm’d you. By then it’s like, ok have fun, I’m gonna go find people that wanna pass the ball to me every now and then too.

Also muns that don’t understand that your muse doesn’t have to be and yes, but you do. Like I get it, Hibiya hates a lot of people. He’s a selfish, fake little dude. That’s why you work together to create situations that force muses interact. 

4. Are you drawn to specific types of muses?

In terms of writing myself, none specific. Probably blissfully ignorant characters. Hibi’s the only muse I write and other people I come up with I just save for DND. In terms of writing with, I adore OCs because canon muses make me feel like I’m on thin ice half the time. Honestly this might just be a concern from back in the day? But I need to be told where you muse comes from and the rules of that universe, not just a little bio of likes and dislikes. You can be a naruto muse all day, but I don’t know more than there’s a 1 through 9 tails thing and that one really good opening song. So I get very worried it’ll be assumed I know who it is just because most people know your muse’s canon because it’s from popular enough media, cause I promise I don’t.

5. Are there reoccurring themes in your writing that people might not notice?

I don’t think? If anything, I feel like my writing partners point out themes that I don’t even notice. History repeats itself, coming of age to an extent, identity. I’ve said it recently but I’d love to explore more themes through Hibiya’s work like corruption through power and good verses evil type of deal, but I have to figure out the right situation/people for that cause I don’t know. 

6. What are your favourite RP trends?

I think one thing that feels really different and cool now, compared to when I stopped writing cause school, I feel like everyone just has so much love and investment in one another’s OCs. I see a lot of posts that was like “back in my day, reblog karma, rarara,” but like, I don’t remember partners sending memes and shit unless it was for jokes, let alone unprompted headcanon asks and multi paragraph prompts. Maybe it’s just the small part of this community I’ve shoved myself in, but everyone just seems to really care about the world of another’s muse, whether it effects theirs or not. And I think that’s the sweetest thing.

Oh I also love mobile friendly about and rule pages. That's really sexy and cool, especially when it’s not a google doc.

8. How do you feel about duplicates?

Honestly, I would kill to see another fleshed out Hibiya. In the past, there were a handful for sure but I can honestly only think of one that stayed around for more than a few months. The kiss of death I think is only/mainly interacting within the fandom, which I feel is why there are no duplicates. Back in the day there were enough of us, but once the shipping was kinda said and done, they left. I feel like that’s the main reason why I continue to be inspired by Hibi compared to other people that write/wrote him, because I am rarely writing with fandom-preestablished relationships. 

9. How long have you been involved in roleplaying?

2013? I wrote Izaya privately for like a year and then brought Hibiya to tumblr.

10. Is there a muse or verse you could write in, but haven’t?

I’m so boring, I’m not really into any fandoms, even Durarara’s honestly, so I can’t think of the last time I felt drawn to throw myself into a character or setting that wasn’t Hibi’s. If anything, I’d love to better fully realize the people in their lives. Their parents, kids, some maids, people in their nobility, just make their world feel more alive, but also to feel more comfortable writing those people as NPCs. Which I’ve been giving a lot of thought to lately and hope to eventually create a small bio for everyone. For no one else but myself really. 

If there was any other muse I could write, I can see myself writing an historical figure. Couldn’t tell you who cause I dunno, but like, centuries old, the type of person where most of what we know is hearsay. 

Tagged by @nezumivc103221

I miss being this healthy with myslef.

If it weren't for all of these old posts and recordings and all of that other stuff I put out there when I was going through it, I wouldn't really remember how happy and mentally content I was and am able to be.

I hate to say I forgot how to do it, because I don't think i did. I think I got lost in the busyness of the world, and figured once I was well off mentally, I would stay that way forever. But slowly over time the goodness of it all dwindled, and I blamed it on life getting hard. When really it was the lack of routine of keeping up with and taking care of myself. But you can't force yourself to do anything, you have to really want it. You have to want whatever it is so bad, that you force yourself to get it. If there's no reason, there's no force.

The first day of Junior year is tomorrow, and I'm 17 now. I think that the first time I've explicitly said my age on here, and I think the last time I posted I wasn't even 16 yet. But a few little facts that would be good to keep here and get out there, are Ash and I are still together, and we're doing amazing. It's kinda crazy to think this whole account started because I needed a place to get my thoughts out about the ending of Bella and I's relationship. I really didn't have a clear view of myself actually getting out of all of that, and I'm very happy to look back and see I did make it through to the other side, and I'm very thankful for that entire situation. It was horrible, but the horribleness of it made me a lot stronger of a person, and I'm very happy with all that I learned from it, and what all that learning has lead up to. The summer was pretty solid, I worked for most of it, but I got to go to Turks with my entire dad's side of the family. It was amazing. I really got closer with all my cousins, I drank and partied, and had an amazing amazing time. Something I will never forget, and will forever be thankful for getting to experience. I've made quite a bit of stuff, some stuff I'm insanely proud of, and I'm really excited about what is going to get made this next year, especially with me starting a graphic design class.

Something I realized this morning, is that Ash and I didn't really facetime this summer, maybe 3-5 times. But I'm now realizing that we really didn't need to. We were able to see each other a lot more in person because I got my license last year, and was able to pick her up and hang out in person a lot more than we were able to last year. We didn't have another sleepover, but her mom didn't go out of town, and Ash was worried about her parents finding out. I understand both of those reasons very well, but I'm still a little bummed. But next year we will be 18, and technically adults, so I don't know if her mom can really say anything about it then. I don't want to get my hopes up, in case she still isn't allowed to, but I can always hope. I do miss facetimeing so much, because it made it a lot easier to communicate about the uncomfortable things. We would run out of comfortable topics, and have nothing else but uncomfortable stuff and phone sex lmao. But we have had less arguments and issues this last 6-8 months that the previous 6-8 months. So maybe we learned how to talk about issues comfortably and I just don't think about it anymore, and maybe we matured a little bit, so there's less issues in general, or maybe we just learned how each other are really, and are able to assume the right path. Maybe it's a mix of all those things. As long as we're happy and comfortable, it doesn't really matter.

I miss venting on here. It made me get everything irrational out, so when it was time to face the issue, I was able to be rational about it.

One thing I've realized, and that feels really good to say instead of suppressing it, is that if I stay with Ash for the rest of my life, which is mainly the plan, I am going to miss out on some events and opportunities that I won't get to experience staying with her. And I think that's okay, it is a pure fact that I would miss out on somethings. But 5-8 years of stupid fun, is nothing compared to getting to spend the remaining (Hopefully) 50 years of life I have with the most amazing person out there. I think totally, 101%, that that's worth it. It will suck not getting those experiences, but not having her will suck an infinite amount of times worse. I don't want this to be dumb, stupid fun love. I know at the beginning of our relationship I was terrified of breaking up, I tried my best not to show it, but I was. I don't have that irrational fear anymore. I mean I would hate for it to happen, that is one of the worst life events I can imagine. But I understand that she's not just going to leave for no reason, and if she does, it's her loss and if that's how she really is, it's better that I would be without her. I would be dodging a bullet. If she leaves me with no reason, I'm better off without her. But I don't think she is like that. I don't live in fear of a breakup, and if I have those insecurities, I am able to talk to her about it. I enjoy the time I have with her, and I hope to get to enjoy those times forever.

I have been terrible about spending money recently. I have spent close to, if not more than, a rack in the last 30 days. School starts tomorrow, so there will be less time to shop and eat out, but I'm not going to regret the money I spent. I enjoyed all of those times, and all of the things I got with it. I am very happy with it all, but I need to slow back down to the allowance I am given every week.

Thank you for being here, and thank you for listening. I am very happy to get this all off my chest. I hope I am able to stay consistent with it to remain in good mental health.

Thank you again,

I love you,

Jaxon Holuby

Chloe Sandal Replica Comes With Mud Bag Measurement 5

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Introductions // Aaron Hotchner

I raise my hand to knock on the apartment door, then I stop myself. I kind of can’t believe this is happening. Then again, I have never dated anyone with a kid before. Am I even good with kids? Yeah, I babysat when I was a teenager but that was 15 years ago.

I take a deep breath and then finally knock on the door. It takes a moment, but my boyfriend appears behind the door. I immediately notice his clothes which are a sweater and jeans. It’s quite different from his usual work attire that I mainly see him in. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to you not wearing a suit,” I say and he smiles. Aaron leans in and kisses me. He pulls away and stares at me for a moment then quickly adjusts himself. 

“Come in, come in,” he says, standing aside from the door. I look around quickly and glance over his living room and dining room. “What do you think?”

“It’s nice!” I assure him. I notice there are toys on the floor, but otherwise, everything is pretty neat.

“I tried to clean up, but-,”

“It’s lovely Aaron,” I say and give him another kiss. “So, where is he?”

“He’s in his room. I can go get him,” he says and starts to move, but I stop him. 

“Wait,” I say, placing my hands on Aaron’s chest. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I tell him.

Aaron places his hands on my shoulders. “We talked about this. You are ready,” he tells me, but I’m not convinced. 

“What if he hates me?” I ask.

“He will not hate you. He will love you, just like I do,” he says. “Let me go get him.”

I stand by myself in the living room, silently freaking out. Meeting your boyfriend’s kid is a big deal. This could honestly make or break the relationship. I quickly hear footsteps coming down the hall and prepare myself. 

They turn the corner and I see Aaron and a mini Aaron. Jack seems a bit nervous because he holds Aaron’s hand. Aaron crouches down to Jack’s height and smiles. “Jack, this is my friend Y/N,” he says and Jack gives me a small wave. 

I crouch down to Jack’s height as well. “Jack, it is so nice to finally meet you. Your dad is always telling me about the amazing lego sets you build,” I tell him and he gives me a small smile. “Do you have a favorite one that you’ve done?”

“Star Wars,” he says quietly.

“You know I love Star Wars,” I say.

“Do you like Luke Skywalker?” Jack asks me.

“Yeah, he’s super cool,” I say.

“Well, dinner is just about ready,” Aaron says as we both stand up straight.

“What’s for dinner?” Jack asks.

“Spaghetti,” Aaron says.

“Yay!” Jack says then jumps in a chair at the dining room table. I pull out a seat to the left of him, but he stops me. “You can’t sit there. That’s daddy’s seat.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I say then move to his right. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” Jack confirms and I sit down. Aaron places a plate in front of me and Jack and warmth wafts up to my cheeks.

“Hmm, this looks so good,” I say. “Do you like your dad’s cooking?”

Jack shrugs. “He mostly makes dino nuggets,” he says which causes me to laugh.

Aaron sits down across from me with a plate of his own. “Jack, are you giving away all my secrets?” 

“Oh, no I am really enjoying learning these things,” I say. Aaron’s foot finds mine under the table to start a nudging game.

I stare at Aaron and Jack for a moment as they eat can’t believe that this could possibly become my new normal. Jack is such a sweet boy, and he’s been through so much.

“Y/N?” Aaron asks, snapping me back into the moment.

“Hmm?” I hum.

“Jack is becoming a very good soccer player,” he says. “He’s always practicing at the park after school.”

“How did you start soccer, Jack?” I ask him.

“Mommy showed me,” Jack says.

“That’s awesome! Do you score goals?”

“All the time,” Jack says which causes me to giggle.

“I’ll have to see you play sometime.”

“I have a game tomorrow!” Jack yells.

Aaron exchanges looks between me and his son. “Buddy, Y/N is very busy and I don’t know if she-,” Aaron starts to say.

“I would love to come!” I tell him.

Aaron flashes me a surprised smile. “Just to warn you, the game starts at 8.”

“Don’t worry, my boss makes me get up early for work all the time,” I smirk at him.

                                                            **********

I carefully tip toe around all the soccer fields at the sports complex. Aaron said that Jack’s team would be wearing red uniforms. The only problem is that I see at least 3 teams in red uniforms.

I nervously shift my weight from foot to foot. Maybe I shouldn’t be here. Maybe it’s too soon. I quickly turn on my heel to go back to my car but am met with my boyfriend.

“Hey,” Aaron smiles.

“Hey,” I say a little awkwardly.

“Thanks for coming. Jack had such a great time last night and is really excited you’re here.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Aaron says as he points to the field. I spot Jack with the number 2 on his back running around the field. He looks up at us and gives me a big wave which I return. I look back to Aaron and realize he is wearing a whistle around his neck.

“Why are you wearing this?” I ask with a laugh.

“I’m kind of the coach,” he says slowly.

“No way! This is gonna be more fun than I thought,” I smirk at him.

“Listen, I gotta go get the boys ready, but do you want to get breakfast after the game?”

“Sounds perfect,” I say then plant a kiss on his lips then let him return to his duties.

The game starts and I’m standing by myself for maybe 2 minutes because a group of women at least 5 years older than me approach me.

“Hi, I’m Lauren and this is Katie and Sarah,” the middle one says.

“Hi,” I say as I shake their hands.

“We haven’t seen you here before,” she says.

“Oh yeah, I’m just here to watch Jack,” I say and point off into the field.

“So you know Aaron?” Katie, I think, asks.

“Oh yeah,” I say with a laugh. There is an awkward silence. I can tell they aren’t finished with me yet.

“Just between us,” Lauren says. “All of us single moms are interested in Aaron. So if you could put in a good word for us it would be appreciated.”

I slowly nod. “Will do, will do. He’s told me he’s seeing someone though.”

All 3 women look disappointed but nod. They tell me thanks then go back to their original spot. When they turn away I have to bite my lip to prevent from laughing out. They’re into Aaron? That’s cute. They thought they had a chance with him.

                                                           **********

Jack’s team just won and once they finish their post game huddle, he runs right up to me.

“Did you see me, Y/N?” Jack asks breathlessly.

“Yes, I saw the whole thing. Give me a high five because that was awesome,” I say and he high fives me. “So your dad said a little something about a breakfast?”

A smile grows on Jack’s face. I take Jack’s hand and lead him to his dad. The same 3 women that approached me earlier have him cornered. I try to catch his eye, but after a moment I realize there is no use. Just as I turn around with Jack my name is called.

“Y/N!” Aaron calls and breaks through the wall of women. “There you are.”

“I was just seeing if you were ready to go eat,” I say.

“Yes, I am,” he says then throws a wave to the group of women. Aaron then wraps his arm around my waist and presses a kiss to my cheek.

I can hear the gasps behind me from Lauren, Katie and Sarah. I guess they know he’s mine now.

This time I actually chuckle out loud.

“What’s so funny?” Aaron asks.

“Oh nothing,” I hum then press a kiss to his cheek.

Fanfic ask game for procrastinating on writing (very accurate, since I should really be working on either the Aeor Fic or my dissertation right now). Tagged by @essektheylyss and @saturdaysky - tysm, this is very fun! <3

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

28! I only really started posting regularly on AO3 after I got into writing for CR, so there’s a modest amount there right now.

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

~126000; probably going to be a lot more by the time the Aeor Fic is finished!.

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Only three on AO3 - Critrole, obviously, plus some from my Star Wars: The Old Republic days and a single lonely Dragon Age fic. I’ve written for some other fandoms in the past (Elder Scrolls, mainly).

4) What are your top five fics by kudos?

Show me where my skin begins: Shadowgast; a study of Essek’s touch starvation and the important of touch between him and Caleb as their relationship develops.

My reasons for defying reason: Oneshot looking at Essek’s friendships with each of the Nein in turn, and the Nein’s different love languages.

I shine only with the light you gave me: The wizards slow dance at a fancy Dynasty ball, and Essek negotiates Den dynamics.

I’ll use you as a focal point: Essek summons a familiar, and as he adjusts to life with her, she helps him speedrun his character arc.

How to struggle gracefully: The Mighty Nein and Essek have dinner with Deirta Thelyss, as told through Veth’s perspective. Feat. Veth unpacking some of her own issues and her relationship with Essek

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Not as much as I’d like to anymore; my current health issues mean I have trouble writing at all, let alone replying to comments... but when I’m functioning better, I do try to reply to as many as I can! I absolutely love seeing people’s insights and hearing their thoughts; you guys make every second of writer’s block worth it! <3

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Hmm, I really don’t know! I’m generally an angst with a happy ending person, so I tend to round things off hopefully. I’d say that The scars that silence carved on me maybe qualifies, because from Essek’s perspective, it ends somewhat ambiguously - but the reader obviously knows that he’s about to get tackle-hugged by a little blue tiefling the moment after the fic ends.

7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Not really. My Inquisitor!Essek AU is about the closest I’ve got, but I’m not sure I’d ever write anything or it.

8) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not since I was about fourteen, thankfully! I’ve had the odd ‘I hate [x character/fandom] but I love this story’ comment here and there.

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Not really. I’ve occasionally strayed into very vaguely nsfw stuff, but I don’t think I’d enjoy writing real smut, nor do I have any confidence that I’d do so halfway decently!

10) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

11) Have you ever had a fic translated?

I did once, many years ago back when I was writing Elder Scrolls stuff.

12) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I’m definitely not opposed to the idea!

13) What’s your all time favourite ship?

My fic history says Shadowgast, for sure, and I can see them being a love of mine for a very long time.

14) What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Nothing that’s posted, thankfully, but I’d truly love to finish the one that currently sits under the working title of ‘the Essek and soup fic’. I’m very fond of it, but just don’t seem to be able to make work beyond its first scene. (Maybe I’ll post that as a standalone someday.)

15) What are your writing strengths?

I like to think I’ve got a good sense for prose rhythm? When I’m proofreading, I can generally count on a voice in my head to be saying ‘this sentence needs to be x length’, or ‘this sentence needs another adjective in it to carry the right emotional weight’, and to tell me when something just feels right and flows nicely.

16) What are your writing weaknesses?

I think I have a bit of a tendency to want to include everything - every interesting thought and bit of character exploration that I come up with in the planning process. Also, plotting! The reason I’ve generally stuck to oneshots is because I find writing lengthier plots really, really hard; sooner or later I just get stumped, thinking ‘ok, but what happens now?’ There’s a reason planning the Aeor fic has taken several months!

17) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

It’s not something I’d do myself, mostly because I really wouldn’t want to mess up another language in a fic - but I’ve seen it really suit certain stories before.

18) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

It is... really hard to remember that far back, but probably either Skyrim or Torchwood. I did not do so well, but I did it :’D

19) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

Show me where my skin begins has a special place in my heart for being such huge fun to write and for being a truly feelgood fic. Familiar (like my mirror years ago) will always be important to me just for being my first CR fic and my entry point, as it were, to the CR fandom.

... but I really do hve a soft spot for The scars that silence carved on me, a study of Essek’s growth between 99 and 124. It’ll never be one of my most popular fics - the Nein don’t even appear in it - but I just loved taking Essek through all of these little changes, bridging the gap between the negotations and his reunion with his friends. And there are some scenes and lines in here I’m really proud of.

I think just about everyone I’d love to tag for this has already been tagged, so consider this an open tag for anyone who’d like to do this!

I was tagged by @mona-liar, thank you so much!!!! ❤❤❤

I tag @im-not-a-monster, @ojibways, @brrave-face, @soullessminyard, @pinktop-s, @thottiehardy, @acelucky

1. Why did you choose your url? I was 16 when I started this blog and I wanted to make sure no one in real life could find it so I somehow went with that name? Idk, I have always liked the pink and green colour combination I guess and this was the only good thing I could come up with (and tbh, I never found a better name so it stays) 2. Any side blogs? Nope 3. How long have you been on tumblr? Too long, since November 2011....UGH...it's gonna be 10 damn years in a few months.... 4. Do you have a queue tag? No, either I am online and go on reblog sprees or I am not and there is silence 5. Why did you start this blog in the first place? A friend of mine showed me this site and her blog and I thought it was interesting and half a year later I made myself a blog as well...tbh I started because I wanted to reblog pretty pictures and maybe use this a bit as a diary? And guess what I am still using this as. 6. Why did you choose your icon? Because the song slaps and their performance was so good, I am still grinning like an idiot when I think of it. 7. Why did you choose your header? Because that is a mood tbh and because he is drinking beer. Also I just happen to love this dude very very much 8. How many mutuals do you have? I have no idea...probably a lot but I only talk to a handful and with the rest it's just silently following each other and occasionally reblogging some stuff from each other 9. How many followers do you have? I don't know tbh? Like I never really check the number, I just see whenever someone new follows but that's it 10. How many do you follow? I literally have no idea, maybe around 300 people? But like half of them are probably inactive and I only follow them cause we're mutuals 11. Have you ever made a shitpost? Yes and they are my most popular posts for some reason -_- 12. How often do you use tumblr a day? Nearly every day for several hours....too much, I am trying to reduce it though 13. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Yes, some years ago...and it was super stupid and not really a fight but unpleasant nontheless...and yes it was my fault because I was a) incredibly stupid and b) unnecessarly hateful...but well, that is long in the past, now I can vagueblog better 14. How do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts? I hate them so much and I usually try to ignore them 15. Do you like tag games? YES!!!! I love them!! 16. Do you like ask games? YES, I like to ask someone something and shower them with love and to recieve love in return!!! 17. Which mutuals do you think are tumblr famous? I can think of a few, mainly because their posts blew up or they are getting weird replies but tbh I have no idea 18. Do you have a crush on a mutual? No. I never had a crush on anyone so I wouldn't know tbh. But I know they are incredibly beautiful <3

hey,,, i've seen this controversial opinion about laito not being sexually assaulted by cordelia. . .as the only opinion of laito that matters, what are your thoughts on it? i know you've made some posts in the past about cordelia and laito's relationship, but i think that now would be a good time to i guess, remake a post or clarify your thoughts so people could follow along?? i hope you enjoy your day.

*proceeds to crack all my knuckles at once*

This isn't really my own "response" cuz oh boy I'm sick of this petty ass drama lmao. To begin, SKLDJF I'm very flattered that you hold my opinion in that high of regard! I'd say there's others that have interesting interpretations of him too though :) but again, thank you :') glad you enjoy what I have to say!

I know I've already kinda responded to this via a screenshot here, just to hold you––and others reading this––over. As much as this is a great time to talk about a how-to-analysis, I’ll still put that as a separate post eventually, but I still will go over the philosophy of truth and writings etc. But anyways, to answer your initial questions, they’re under the cut!

And no, I’m not specifically calling anyone out here. These are just issues with the fandom that I find as a whole, along with some extremists. Thus, I’m not going to be putting tags for people to easily find this post because I don’t want to be wound up in this drama––once again this is just more commentary on the fandom as a whole, which hopefully you can apply to people you find!

I have a lot of my own thoughts about Cordelia and Laito’s relationship here (just in case if people need it):

1. Goes over potential grooming of Laito, facts about Cordelia and what happened before she did stuff to Laito, and when did she rape Laito for the first time?

2. Stuff about incest and how any relationship out of a parental/child relationship is abuse even if it’s not penetrative sex, more incest stuff, and just more thoughts on their relationship

3. Neuroplasticity, trauma, Karlheinz, and isolation

4. What does sexual trauma look like? And some stuff on Laito’s facade

5. More stuff on his facade, and projection on Yui

6. My thoughts on Laito’s dark fate vampire ending + Conclusion

7. Answering some inbox stuff relating to Cordelia

Sure I realize I might be missing some stuff but that’s just my whole analysis on them. I’ll probably make some follow up posts eventually but I’m not sure when that will be.

But as for this analysis/ramble, I’ll divide it up into sections:

The issue of hypocrisy in the Dialovers fandom:

I- oh dear god. Ok, just saying, there’s a lot of people being like “oh I hate Cordelia because she was abusive” then ??? yo??? Why do you like the boys?? They’re abusive and we see more of them than Cordelia??? I just personally hate hypocrisy. However, it’s okay to hate Cordelia! It’s okay to love Cordelia! It’s okay to hate the boys and it’s okay to love the boys too. But recognizing that you don’t like one or the other just because “they’re abusive” is a fallacy at that point.

The reason why so many people hate Karlheinz/Cordelia/Beatrix/Christa/Richter (or at least start off hating them) is because they are written as the villains of the story! Karl’s the main villain, and the rest (including the diaboys and Yui) are kinda just tragically wound up in his plans. You sympathize more with the boys because you spend more time with them and watch them grow! It’s a whole “us vs them” situation. Since those people were awful to the boys/the boys hate them, you’re like “yeah they’re bad!” But the issue with the whole “us vs them” situation (as in real life) is that people tend to excuse the actions done by the “us” party.

Same thing goes with extreme Karl/Cordelia/Richter fans (I’ve never seen a hardcore Beatrix/Christa fan but they’re probably out there). Some hate the diaboys but love the people in that party. They’ve also done some shitty stuff too! Bro, even Yui has done some terrible stuff! But that’s because she was a product of the events she was thrown into––and same with everyone else.

Karl has been the mastermind of all this, and for me I don’t have any sympathy for him, mainly because we’re not shown anything to sympathize with (except that he just is tired of living but idk why he wants to create a whole new race like lmao science nerd ig, I feel that king). A lot of people like him for his looks, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing––he’s a fictional character, objectify these characters however you want. This is more of a personal opinion of mine though. And maybe people do just sympathize with his outlook on life, that’s totally fine.

But since these characters are all attractive in their own regard, they all get the treatment of “pretty-boy” syndrome (Idek if that’s the exact name for it). Which is just the privilege pretty people get. But again, this is fictional, so it’s not necessarily important in this case. Bro I got into DL cuz of “ooga booga hot vampires” and stayed for the complex lore and characters (especially one complex character, wonder who that could be). I imagine most people got into DL because of that, or out of sheer curiosity.

Ok, I’m throwing out a lot of points but not really connecting them. Lemme give you an example: I don’t like Reiji. His character doesn’t vibe with me most of the time aside from the fact that he’s hilarious. But I just am very neutral/neutral-negative on his character. But I’m not like “oh cuz he’s mean/abusive” cuz LOL EVERYONES MEAN IN THIS GAME. Sure you can still say that, it’s just not a very strong claim. Hypocritical claims tend to be like that. Same with a lot of Yui haters. In this case, they’re more jealous that she’s there and not them, which I’ve explained a lot in this post about toxic femininity and Yui in the fandom etc. But it’s ok to just not like a character! It’s alright! I know someone who just doesn’t vibe with Subaru. She doesn’t know why, she just doesn’t vibe with him. There’s no need to defend it either. But the use of hypocrisy is my main issue, and I’ll get to that in the next section.

(There’s a really good post explaining this too but I cannot find it for the life of me. I think it was made by @/abottleofkarlheinz or @/the-madame21)

How opinions of fictional universes left unchecked can effect real life:

I’ve said this a little bit in that Dialover PSA post I’ve made about Yui that I linked a couple paragraphs ago. But the reasons why people say they hate Yui is concerning. If you don’t like Yui, that’s totally fine! Again you don’t need reasons to hate on a character or defend it. But if you do choose to defend those characters, make sure what you’re saying isn’t out of some other place in your heart. Let me explain.

In that “Yui PSA” post I made, I say how your attitudes in being critical of a fictional universe usually does reflect on who you are as a person, at least when you’re making certain claims. In that Yui post, I say that the hatred on Yui is a result of the “other girl” mentality. On top of that, it erases her experience as a survivor. Yes, this is a fictional character, but bringing that into real life can have some dire consequences if you don’t differentiate them. If you have the same attitude of Yui with other survivors if the “abuser is hot” then thaaaaaat’s so fucked up.

For example, there’s people who have crushes on real life serial killers! That- that’s absolutely disgusting! Those real people killed living people and effected so many lives and families. Dude I have fictional crushes on fictional serial killers, and that’s different, because it is a removed universe. It’s why I can still call myself a lesbian but still have crushes on fictional male characters, for a further example (and vice versa! I have straight friends who crush on fictional characters of their same gender! But that doesn’t make them any less straight. And no, I’m not erasing bi people here either, just clarifying in case if you needed that).

Not being able to differentiate your opinions of a fictional universe can get very toxic. Like I love Laito, but I’m not like “omg I wish he was real so he could do that stuff to me uwu” like no!!! UH!!! I wouldn’t want to date anyone like him in real life! That’s literal abuse! And if Laito was here in real life it’s not a controlled environment, he’d literally be able to do anything with you, etc. That’s what makes a fantasy, a fantasy. They’re controlled.

Also vice versa, some people get really triggered by Dialovers, specifically Laito’s route. A lot of non-consensual acts that he does have been experienced by people in real life in any extent, myself included. For me, it’s a personal escape from that, because it is an environment where I am prepared for those events and can control my exposure to it. For some, they are reminded of the reality they had to experience. Fictional universes are inspired by real life, no matter what way you look at it. Real life people are making it, after all.

I feel like I’m going in so many circles, but trust me, I’m getting to the point.

I- I can’t explain this enough but it is most definitely implied that Cordelia had raped and sexually abused Laito. If it was explicit, DL would be an 18+ game, but they cannot do that in Japan. I’m not going to like defend this point because so many people (myself included) have defended this point. It’s implications carry over into Laito’s character and why he’s like this. He’s a textbook sexual abuse survivor. I just,,,, cannot explain this enough. Same thing with overwriting the abuse of Yui. They get jealous of Yui. Sure I’d say a good chunk of people have ravishment fantasies here. At least the 18+ people in the fandom who are into that stuff. But oh my dear god, ravishment fantasies are super super dangerous to enact in real life. It’s possible to do them, but it would take years of building up to that point in kink. That’s a whole other discussion though and I’m not incredibly comfortable talking about it knowing that minors read my blog (I’ll also have to say here: no minors in kink--its alright to educate yourself but pleaaaaaaaaaase don’t enact on any of those activities until you are of age, and even so that still can be dangerous right as you turn 18).

But anyways, saying that Yui should enjoy this because she’s experienced the ravishment fantasy you’ve dreamed of? Oh fucking hell, if you leave that opinion and mentality unchecked and it goes into real life, that’s incredibly awful. Abuse apologists are absolutely terrible people, almost as much as the abusers themselves.

If you twist the narrative that Laito loves Cordelia or Yui loves the boys at the end of the first game, that’s still––ughhhhhhhh. Especially when it’s so obvious that Laito has so many mental issues with Cordelia. His whole monologue and breakdown at the end of Dark Fate definitely tells us that he has had such an issue with Cordelia. And MB+ Laito is still Laito. As for Yui, dude she literally goes through stockholm syndrome in the first game like it is so goddamn apparent idek how to explain this at this point.

Ok dear god lmao wow, uh I think that’s answering the first couple of questions?

The philosophy of truth:

“Truth” has been an incredibly debated topic in philosophy for years. Truth is more of a subjective item rather than objective. Sure you can have personal objective truths, but they may not be the same truths for others. For example, a tomato is red. However, that tomato is red to me, because I am not color blind. A red-green color blind person may see the tomato as being brown or more muted in color. That’s their truth. They can’t really imagine what red is (ok depending on severity of their color blindness), considering they have not experienced the color red in the same way people who don’t have color blindness do. God uh, here’s a whole ass essay about truth, I’m cherry picking some of the things in there that are relevant to this.

Basically what I’m saying is, truth is very subjective. However, there are philosophers arguing a more objective truth. But that’s a whole other discussion. Also, this isn’t to support any political opinion, but I can use that as an example. Let’s go for well... The death penalty. I’m in America, we have the death penalty in some states. Yes, this is a very controversial topic, and no I’m not arguing the ethics of it here. Just hear me out.

If you live in Europe for example (except in Belarus and Russia––ok when I looked it up they consider Russia in Europe and technically it is but also there’s the whole chunk that is not- lmao even the truth of geography can be subjective), you might be like “yeah what the fuck are Americans doing?” (a common sentiment that I also share lmao). But yeah, what the fuck are we doing? Why is the death penalty still in existence? Yes, there’s statistics that prove that it doesn’t deter crime, but even crime rates is caused by a lot of different things too. Even statistics aren’t always accurate, because of many different factors. They’re not objective either, although good statisticians try their best to get good results and not skew the data. (please try to see where your data is coming from and who it is sponsored by––it matters a TON)

I’d say the closest thing we have as an objective truth to argue the death penalty or not is money. Money, although the concept is subjective, is a very objective currency. It’s why artists hate “exposure” compared to “money” as sole currency. The death penalty is very expensive, and not even used that often.

So, although money is currency made by us, and is technically 75% linen and 25% cotton (in America at least) with some funky dudes n numbers printed on it, it doesn’t sound that special. However, it would be considered as a baseline of some type of “objective truth” in ~society~ because people are typically on the same page of what money’s worth. Even so, this baseline of truth is still subjective! If Bill Gates accidentally has a $20 bill fall out of his pocket, that’s nothing to him! But if someone who’s working very hard to make ends meet loses that same amount of money, it could deal a lot of financial damage to that person.

Ok, hopefully you guys kind of get my drift. There are a lot of theories of truth, I’m just explaining one (honestly I forget the name of this theory) because it is the closest to the types of truth we are dealing with. And in this case, it’s called “canon.”

What the fuck is analysis:

The concept of “canon” is the objective truth that we have when analyzing universes. They’re our bread and butter of interpretation and extrapolation. The art of analysis clings to this notion of an objective truth. It needs a baseline. I’m going off of Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle, because that type of analysis I have the most experience with.

This is called rhetorical analysis. Rhetoric is the use of words in a persuasive fashion, and the analysis part is a breakdown of how words are used in order to achieve persuasiveness. I don’t typically use a lot of explicit rhetorical analysis in my personal writings, but I guess a version of it. Which typically has to deal with intention and execution. A lot of analysis on language has to do with this. Language is incredibly subjective. Certain words carry individual meanings to people. I have gone over the difference between real and lexical definitions before, and I’ll do it again.

I’ll just copy and paste what I’ve said before here from this analysis:

To put it simply, lexical definitions are the definitions you find in the dictionary. This is an “official” and “agreed upon” definition. Real definitions (quite a misleading name in my opinion) is the definition that’s more kind of “felt” in a way and how you internally interpret the word in context (these can be through individuals or any niche group). What I mean by this is that when you say a word (for example) to convey a feeling, you usually won’t know the dictionary definition off the top of your head. You say that something’s “savage” for example when you want to describe something violent or gruesomely awesome (it depends if it’s in a slang context or not) but there’s many lexical definitions (and outdated lexical definitions) of the term. But the first definition that usually comes up is “adj (of an animal or force of nature) fierce, violent, and uncontrolled.”

But people typically don’t think of the lexical definition when they learn what a word means; they usually learn the context of it and apply it as such. And that’s what a “real” definition is. Laito has a differing definition of what affection and love is, and that’s his own meaning and what it means to him.

I’ll even add another example to that too. The word “cunt” in english refers to a vagina. That’s just it. It’s lexically synonymous with “vagina,” “pussy,” etc. However, “cunt” has a subjective meaning to it. This is where “real” definitions also come into play. Many people view the word as vulgar and dirty. And that’s cuz we live in a ~society~ lmao. Our use of language has shaped what this word means in a context outside of the dictionary. I’ll do you one more. The Japanese word マンコ (manko) is also vulgar slang that’s kind of like our word “cunt/pussy.” Sometimes I say “cunt” for jokes, but I don’t use it that often to begin with since it’s just a very strong word to most (albeit it’s not that strong of a word for me). However, マンコ is a strong word to many Japanese people, but if I hear it even though I’ve been learning Japanese, it doesn’t have that same effect as hearing “cunt” for me is (which still, idc if I really hear it depending on context) because I haven’t been shaped in a culture that uses Japanese.

Even so, tone, intention, and context is HUGE in this. If someone called me a “useless fucking cunt” when they’re angry at me, I’d be close to crying. If someone told that to me as a joke, I’d be like “lol yeah you right, bitchass” and if someone said that in a consensual sexual context, it would certainly tickle my masochistic heart.

DSLKFJ also sorry if you don’t like hearing that word, I just had to utilize a strong example for this. But anyways, now let’s change the lens to Dialovers.

No, it never explicitly says that Cordelia rapes Laito. It doesn’t. However, there’s this WACKY thing called being able to infer, reading between the lines, and identifying implications. Those are kind of all the same things. However, indirect exposition is used a lot in effective creative writing. The utilization of this type of exposition is more preferred when writing a story, because direct exposition is kind of referred to as “info-dumping” when used excessively. Forgive my jargon: this is just showing vs telling as we’re taught in every writing class. I’m personally very bad at it, which is why I stick to writing these, and stick to reading creative fiction. (NOT SAYING IF YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT THIS TO NOT CONTINUE TO PRACTICE CREATIVE FICTION, I JUST DONT HAVE THE CURRENT MOTIVATION TO GET GOOD AT IT)

Dialovers uses a LOOOOOT of showing. And even so, its “showing” ability is very minimal considering the Japanese language can be vague on its own, it’s medium (visual novel) does not show a lot of things explicitly most of the time (and even when it is shown it doesn’t convey a lot). There’s several CGs of Laito and Yui where it doesn’t show the amount of pain or the dire situation Yui’s in, compared to what she’s saying she’s going through.

When I made my whole breakdown on Laito’s HDB route from Yui’s perspective, I got several comments about how they didn’t realize how bad his route really was. That’s either because people might not have experience with verbal abuse themselves, can’t exactly see Yui’s body language except her head (and even so, her expressions are limited), or don’t know a lot of gaslighting/verbal abuse techniques/have done research into it. Honestly verbal abuse is kind of hard to realize, so I’m not calling anyone dumb here. Despite me knowing a lot of the signs, I didn’t know I went through it––and even so I’ve denied it. And that’s what is so effective about this game though! Especially Laito’s route! Because you’re also sucked in with limited knowledge because you’re seeing this through Yui’s perspective, and on top of that it’s isolating. You can only make so many choices, and I feel like Dialovers is perfect as a visual novel. You get caught up with a lot of shock value things that Laito says, which serves as a perfect distraction for your first time through. But anyways, I’m getting off track.

For example, many people found his Maniac 07 chapter to be very confusing. I broke that one down here as well, and even so I was confused at first (also I was like 14/15, dear god). It tells you SO little, but you know that Laito’s incredibly upset at Richter for some reason, and even so, Yui comments on it a little too. Laito is shown to still hate Richter in DF, but he talks about it a tad more.

Here’s a further example from my writings in that first part of the Cordelia/Laito analysis series but I have bolded the terms I use to convey this rhetoric:

There hasn’t been any flashbacks that specifically show us the first time that happened. However, I believe that there was a flashback in HDB that shows one of the first times. Here’s a scene from Laito’s Dark Epilogue:

Cordelia: ー Laito…Laito… Laito: …Hm? Is something the matter? Cordelia: I have a favor to ask. It just isn’t enough. You can do it, right Laito? Laito: You really are something…So that’s why you came to me again? Cordelia: Fufufu…That’s right, Laito. Come on, quickly… Laito: …Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll love you plenty. Cordelia: Aah…My cute Laito~ I love you. I really do. Laito: I can do it…right? Cordelia: Of course, Laito. Now, quickly…

First of all, ew. Second of all, Laito’s diction implies that this was maybe the second or third time this occurred. He asks a question, and ends it with “again.” We know by this that it is not the first time, but the question also means that Laito might not have expected to occur again. His tone also implies some surprise to it, at least in my ears. His other question, “I can do it, right?” screams hesitance to me. If this scene took place down the line, or after many times he did this with Cordelia, I don’t believe he’d be some level of surprised or hesitance.

That’s what rhetorical analysis is. You take the contextual meaning of the words, the tone they use, and extrapolate what they imply. On top of this, we know that the term “love” here is sexual, implying that they did something sexual. We are not given the details of this, but considering we know that Laito uses “love” before he rapes Yui in the game, we can infer that’s what happened (or something similar) to himself with Cordelia, considering he projects on Yui quite a bit.

I was going to go over what is good/bad analysis, but I think I’ve implied it anyways here. Utilizing separate information from different sources of canon in order to make sense of something is good analysis. That’s our objective truth: canon. I’m not saying I’m the best at analysis, but I am fairly confident in it. It’s how I’m able to attempt to answer some of your “how would Laito react” questions without it being specifically hinted in the game. You cannot cherry pick specific sentences and go off of that alone for analysis. It’s context. It’s reading tone. It’s knowing the characters attitudes towards things, how they speak, etc. There’s a lot going into analysis in general. I know I didn’t elaborate on Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle right now, but that’s for another date I suppose.

Oh dear god I hope I didn’t lose you guys, I know this is a lot of information, but if you have any questions/comments/clarifications, as always, please let me know!

Hope you enjoyed! -Corn

Sunday ask time!

What is your position on romance cliches? Do you think of yourself more as a realist or a romantic? Opinions on Valentine's day?

I know you are ace but I am obsessed with wnrs so here's stuff i have shamelessly stolen from that acc (answer all of them, some of them or none of them if you wish):

What story about love have you been telling yourself that no longer serves you? How would you like to change it?

What parts of yourself do you need to break up with?

Have you had your first love? If so how did you get over it?

How would you describe the feeling of being in love in one word?

What do you understand now about love that you didn't understand before?

If your last relationship was a Netflix series how would it be called?

If you're in love, complete the sentence: Loving them feels like _______

Name 3 things you love about yourself

thank you!!! i'm ace but i experience romantic attraction so this is totally fine :)

(I FORGOT ABOUT THE FIRST QUESTIONS AND I REMEMBERED ONLY AFTER POSTING THIS I'M SORRY)

i like romantic clichés, I think most or them are cute and do no harm.

in spirit i'm a romantic but i'm an incredibly rational person and i'm very realistic in the sense i believe i won't really ever find a romantic partner so that's that.

just as all the other USA-imported festivities, i hate the consumerist aspect of it, but in essence it's a cute day to celebrate love. i also understand not celebrating it, my parents never do as their wedding anniversary is exactly one month after st valentines, so i grew up with it not being super important.

1. for the longest time i believed on love at first sight, mainly because of media and the fact that this more or less happened to me with my high school crush (long story short, i was reading in the library, and she came with a friend asking me for help in some maths homework she had and i could barely speak after looking at her for the first time lmao). when i was researching asexuality and came into the different types of attractions, it all made more sense. i now believe that love takes time to cultivate, and that it's not a sudden thing but a progressive feeling that is built with time. i imagined what happened back in the day was that i was aesthetically attracted to her at first, she was the prettiest girl i had ever seen (she still is), and it wasn't until i started learning more and more about her than i started to fall for her. that's why i'm trying to remind myself that love takes time and comes progresively and in a multitude of ways, to maybe give me more confidence and hope for my own search of 'the one' (even if it will probably never happen)

2. probably my almost inexistent self-esteem and self-confidence, that's part of why i'm going to therapy so let's see how it goes. right now i truly believe i will never actually find a romantic partner, and that the solely idea of fantasizing about it is ridiculous cause it will only make me more miserable cause i'll never have that; i know it's a harmful way of thinking but in true honesty deep down i feel like that's the truth, even if people tell me otherwise. so yeah, it's all a bit complicated haha.

3. yes, as i told you i had a crush on high school. i want to say i'm over her but i'm not 100% sure? i think there's like this feeling that lingers no matter how much time passes and that it'll stay with me forever. like, i don't really think about her much but the few times i've seen her these past few years i've panicked a lot and when i see her in an insta post or something like that my heart races a bit, but that's it. as to how i got over her, i honestly don't know? i can only say it was a long and difficult process, that's for sure.

4. dreamlike

5. i think i kinda answered this one through questions 1 and 2 lmao.

6. i've never been in a relationship :)

i would love to read your answers!!

Treatment/Recovery Update - May 2021

Okay, I will try to ramble less in this one (so sorry!) ^ well that didn't happen!

In terms of when I did leave hospital, as I mentioned a tiny bit in the last post, my EDP was completely AWOL. A month before I was due to be discharged she came to a meeting with myself and my consultant, during which we set up 4 appointments that would be over zoom before I was discharged to help with relapse prevention and the transition home, as well as setting out, in principle, the therapeutic support that I would be getting once home...it all sounded great, so great. But as usual when it comes to my team, it was too good to be true (should have called it). I attempted to contact her when our appointments never happened but I kept being met by a brick wall; no one knew what was happening, all I got told was that she was "off"... Time passed and I was discharged with only a phone call booked in from someone from the general team to check I was safe a few days later (it was literally 5 minutes, long if that) and an appointment to do physical monitoring the next wee....a far cry from the original discharge plan *sigh* Coming home was a bit of a whirlwind. We were approaching Christmas but we were still under a lot of restrictions with COVID, so it was a very strange/messy/weird few weeks.

Time continued to pass and there was still no confirmation around therapy or support, even the ED team didn't know what was happening with L, I just continued to go to two weekly physical monitoring. In the end, with nowhere else to turn, I contacted my consultant from hospital. To say that she was mad that nothing had been in place/I had no support would be an understatement and I thank my lucky stars that she was able to get involved. It took a couple of weeks but I finally had my first session with a therapist in February. In total it took about 8-9weeks from discharge to see someone, which, well, was hard.

Upon reflection, I think one of the biggest things I struggled with with coming home was that I had literally no leave to practice beforehand. This meant that I unfortunately slipped back into old habits very quickly as, well I know it is no excuse but coming back to the same environment your brain easily slips into automatic mode and you find yourself doing what you "used" to do without realising it.

I was in, I would say, quite a vulnerable state when I left hospital (the last few months there were pretty rocky to say the least) and the day before I was discharged (as I mentioned in a previous post somewhere) I was handed 3 different, very conflicting, meal plans and the nutritionist who had previously been very horrible to me and who had been away for a number of weeks, told me that she did not think I could continue to recover at home and that the best possible case would be if I only lost a bit of weight over the next 6 months....I think you can probably guess how badly this was taken and how messy my mind was. So with 3 meal plans in hand, none of which I had practiced, with little to no support from the ED team, I was, essentially, crisis managing, simply trying to get through each day.

I know, I know. Classic kitty - stuck record. failure. mess. making a million and one excuses. trying to make out like she is fine to the rest of the world when in fact inside she was falling apart. sigh.

In terms of my weight recovery I was not discharged at a healthy BMI/weight, which my consultant was sad about, however I was in a much better place than when I was admitted (I think I had gained about half the weight I would have needed to from when I was admitted to get to a healthy weight). I will admit that part of me does wonders whether staying would have been beneficial, because on a very basic level yes it could have helped in some ways. However if I stretch my mind back to when I was still on the ward ,it actually still floods me with anxiety and fear because of how UNHELPFUL the environment had sadly become. It is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced an EDU, but the patient groups can and do make a massive of differences. I was vvv lucky that when I was initially admitted, and for the first good couple of months, it was a v supportive and recovery focused environment. However, by about late Sept/early October ,things turned completely upside down (which was not helped by the fresh COVID lockdowns either) and even staff were saying how terrible it had gotten and how they could not believe the things that they were being asked to manage on the progression ward. There were times when I felt incredible unsafe on the ward and feared for others patients, which is not "okay". I genuinely believe that staying any longer would have likely made my mental health decline further; I had already found the massive shift was negatively affecting me and I think staying would have been unwise. I had also gained quite a lot of weight and was, I hate to admit, struggling with both coming to terms with that along with dealing with everything that you are continually facing when going through treatment/recovery alongside working on trauma stuff. I know none of that is any worthy excuse, but that was how it was...At this time I was struggling a lot with my meal plan and had quite a few lapses whilst on the transition phase of the unit however despite screaming out for help/support from staff, because of the acute situation on the ward, I was just left. They knew I was struggling, I was told time and time again that they had not forgotten me, but did I get help? no. It was actually made worse by the then nutritionist who sat me down like a naughty school girl and basically told me that I was a failure and that I would never achieve anything in life blah blah blah (please see a past post if you want to know more) which made me even more scared to reach out for 'help'/'support'. So no, I don't think staying would have helped much, which is a real shame.

Therapy wise I had a bit of a rough ride in there (god I'm really selling this aren't I?!). When admitted I was not in a place for 'traditional' therapy what so ever; looking back I honestly have no idea how I was even 'functioning' (was I functioning? probably not) and even the group therapies were a struggle but my consultant stuck with me and with time I was able to process a little more. One thing that helped me beyond words was 1:1 Art Therapy. This was not something I had accessed before, only ever doing group sessions in the past which was mostly about getting away from the ward and doing a bit of art. I cannot reiterate enough how different and HELPFUL the 1:1 sessions were. The art therapy, who I knew from the last year and is an absolutely GEM, helped me to begin to process and work through the trauma that I had experienced with dad. It took a lot of time and persistence but I was able to use those sessions in so many ways and I will forever be grateful to P for supporting me (I was so lucky to be able to have 1:1 sessions for the majority of my 8 admission).

The more traditional therapy initially took the form of 30min sessions with my consultant once to twice a week (as much as I hated them, she was bloody good). I also had a review and a few sessions with the lead therapist via zoom (she was heavily pregnant so was working from home) not long after being admitted, but she soon went on maternity leave. This left me to be picked up by her student, who was actually incredible. We did a long extended piece of work on my perfectionism which, again, was SO helpful but she sadly left (for bigger and better things) and I was left hanging for a while as there were no other openings. A new lead therapist started and after a while he did a few sessions with me before leaving suddenly (I think even staff only had a weeks notice, which was ridiculous), so I was back to twiddling thumbs for a few weeks. I then met with a therapist who worked 2 mornings a week that I saw a bit during my last admission but we didn't do many sessions and it just fell away. This was mostly my fault as by this point I was questioning my admission and whether I would self discharge as there were some not good things going on on the ward, so I wasn't really in the headspace to explore things deeply and had been picked up and put down so many times that I just couldn't do anymore. Throughout that time though I continued to see my consultant weekly, mainly focusing on mindfulness and other therapy styles thrown in there too at times.

I will forever be thankful/grateful for the admission I had, especially to be under a different consultant (for COVID reasons they had to split things differently as they would usually do it by area but that wasn't possible at the time I was admitted) as her approach made a huge difference. I still remember one of the first things she said to me was that she couldn't believe/was that I had been placed on the SEED pathway and that she believed that I could be more than that, which honestly, gave me a little bit of hope (something that had been ripped apart and shredded by my usual consultant multiple times).

But back to now.... I have now been seeing a new therapist weekly (when possible) since February and, in a backwards way, I am so glad that L disappeared off the grid because the "support" I was going to be getting under the original plan was just sessions with her to do some self guided self help stuff, whereas with this therapist we have actually been doing some HELPFUL work. In terms of L, I think the last I was told she never returned to work and has now left the team (we have a sneaky feeling that she either had a complete break down or that it was due to too may complaints (mum called this a long time ago as she was not qualified for the role at all and was utterly useless), which, yeah, was strange to not get an ending as I had worked with her for a few years. Anyway, I've been doing SCHEMA therapy with this new lady (I'd not heard of it before) and at first I was a bit reluctant but it's been incredibly insightful. I continue to learn more about myself and the reasons why I may have gone down certain roads each session. HOWEVER. and this is a big however. There has been a bit of a snag in the rope.

In short, yes I have been engaging really well with the therapy side, my weight and physical health has only continued to deteriorate since i was discharged. We are talking classic kitty of slowly slipped backwards, nothing dramatic, nothing to make alarm bells go off or warrant a review, but it's not been good. Anorexia is screaming at me for saying all of this, it shouts "but you weigh so much more than when you were admitted, you are a complete fraud blah blah blah" which is all the same old boring drivel it always spews out. But basically Im in dangerous waters now in terms of losing therapy/not being able to engage with therapy properly if things dont improve. Ive been in classic stuck mode, getting so absorbed by the numbers and the bubble that AN offers, that I have been numb to it all. The HCA I was seeing was really trying to help me to make changes but she left a while ago (she was going back to train as a nurse) and since then I have had the odd appointment here and there (I think it fell to every 3 weeks for a while as there were no available appointments) with people trying to cover the clinic until someone else is hired for the role, which is far from ideal as they literally just do the necessary obs and send you on your way.

Okay that sounds like yet another excuse, which is probably is, but it's not been an easy ride since I left hospital to say the least.

BUT this past week things have begun to shift a little. I was honest with my therapist about the whole food/meal plan side of things and we actually spoke about how we can't focus on therapy things until I am in a more stable place, which is both really hard to hear but also exactly what I need to hear. I am actually being more open to change, which is a shift from where I was just a week ago. It is bloody painful, even just thinking about it all hurts/is exhausting and I am still very much in the darkness /struggling with it but there is now a little part of me that is screaming out and trying to be heard. There is a little part of me that WANTS to get out of this endless messy limbo that this relapse has been and wants to start stepping back into "recovery". There is part of me that wants a chance. And I've got to start listening to that side a little more.

I promise, the next update will be a little more positive Stay tuned.

my experiences as an ace person

specfically, I'm a bi-romantic asexual but I do tend to lean towards guys more so. also my gender identity is forever up in the air I never know what fits best but I imagine I fall somewhere along the lines of agender or genderfluid.

growing up, I didn't really have very many crushes (and usually if I had one, it was because I thought they liked me first). I especially didn't get celebrity crushes [I grew up in the 90s, aka the golden years of boy bands and as a afab person I was like... assumed to have a favorite/crush on at least one of the boys from Backstreet Boys and NSYNC but I really didn't so I just kind of... picked one. aka the most obvious ones, being Nick and Justin.] And then of course there was like the whole like brad pitt obsession and I was just like ???

in middle school it just kind of got worse my friends always had their crushes that they would want to talk about and I would just be like umm... Sora? from Kingdom Hearts? because honestly I do love him hahah but thats mainly because of personality (although he did get aesthetically beautiful later on especially with KH3) and thankfully my friends did not consider me a weirdo and went along with it

of course my mom's boyfriend's daughter who was very much boy obsessed and a few years older than me was the first one to ask if I was a lesbian, because I never talked about boys. my parents also both confessed to me they believed I was a lesbian

my first (and so far only) boyfriend was also an interesting story. we met online in middle school and started dating junior year of high school. then finally met winter of senior year (we lived 8 hours apart something like that). so obviously our physical relationship didn't start until after I essentially already knew him extremely well.

because I was younger and doing new things was exciting, I guess I took my eagerness to do sexual things as sexual attraction so as soon as I found out about the term "demisexual" I latched on to it. For those who don't know, demisexual means that you don't develop a sexual attraction until you form a deep emotional bond with someone.

Skip forward many years later when I was older and more sure of myself & had read a lot more about asexuality, I realized that fit me more. My boyfriend had always been frustrated by the fact that I really didn't care in terms of our lack of sexual activity due to being in a long distance relationship. I also had no urgency to "catch up" when we were together. So I went to explain to my boyfriend that I believed I was asexual.

He was devastated. He of course took this as an attack to himself? I explained multiple times that this didn't change anything about our relationship, I still loved him very much, it was just a label that I found comfort in and that it made sense with aspects of my life. No matter what I said he was upset. Eventually I essentially said never mind.

Cue his attempts to boost my libido and spice our sex life. I hated this. I hated everything about this. Basically all of this was about him, even though he tried to convince me it was for me. As soon as we broke up, I threw all of this shit out. But he bought me a cheap vibrator (honestly like probably the worst one you can get haha--though I'll admit this is the one thing I kept until I got a better one), a realistic looking dildo, and some sort of pillow that the dildo can like go into so you can sit up on it. oh and he got me some "horny goat weed" natural supplement stuff thats supposed to boost your libido. didn't do shit for me lol. so we used this stuff when he visited me but also when he left he kept begging me to make videos for him using these things on myself on an extremely regular basis. I didn't mind doing these type of videos every once in a while but he was starting to essentially pressure me into doing it like what felt like once a week and I began to just fucking hate everything about these objects like I said.

our relationship went down the tubes for various other issues but I'm sure deep down that played a part.

post relationship/single-life ace experiences:

-"omg did you see that hot client who brought in fluffy" "what" "OMG HOW DID YOU NOT SEE HIM--LOOK RIGHT THERE" "who" "ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW"

-hating dating websites because a lot of them focus on literally just pictures when ......... sure aesthetic is nice but like ????? give me details about the person??????? like wtf

-honestly not even being sure of how to bring up being asexual to potential partners because I haven't been on a date yet

-being single for almost 5 years now because lol what is dating [though good news folks I am actively talking to 2 people from a dating app finally its a miracle]

-constantly being in shock in how fast my dad finds new partners as an allosexual person even after my stepmom literally died [his new gf seems like a wonderful person and he's really happy but wow I just had whiplash to the max when he told me]

I was tagged by @scribbledquillz for this ao3/fanfic author meme. Thanks so much for tagging me! Now, there’s only one thing (I’ll explain as soon as I answer the first question). But first, tags. I’m gonna tag @yukichouji and @the-iron-lion because I know you write and post, but I also know you’re busy, so please, only do it if you want to and have time ^^ Apart from that, if anybody who sees this wants to give it a go, consider yourself tagged! I’d love to read your answers, so feel free to tag me back

How many works do you have on AO3?

So, here’s the thing: I’ve never posted anything I have written XD One day, I will, but until then, I’ll answer the questions I can answer to the best of my ability ^^ I’ll modify some questions and keep the original ones for anybody who wants to answer those.

What’s your total AO3 fanfic words count?

123.211 words total (not counting one absolutely massive collaborative fanfic that I’m not gonna count rn)

More under the cut!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Funny thing: thanks to this question I’ve rediscovered like ten folders with the beginnings of different fanfics I’d not opened in years. Thank you, @scribbledquillz for making me find my old writings! My main work rn is a Dragon Age Origins retelling (featuring Astala Tabris of course, though I have decided that the other origins--Surana, Amell, Brosca, Mahariel, the whole gang--also survive because yes.) I also have two separate unfinished pieces on Caduceus and Caleb of the Mighty Nein (Critical Role) respectively. Equally unfinished are one fanfic with Loki and his Jotunn heritage, and another about the extermination of mutants in the X-Men universe prior to X-Men: Days of Future Past. Both projects were ambitious, but exist mainly as ideas now. The longest (and oldest) fanfic I’ve ever written is a collaborative super self-indulgent self-insert fix-it fic for The Hobbit. I am quite proud of my younger self for pulling through with this one and sticking to it over such a long time. It is, sadly, also unfinished.

Do you Would you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I would definitely respond to comments. It’s polite. I’d also want to mirror back the joy a comment has inspired in me.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

The X-Men fanfic ends with the events of X-Men: Days of Future Past, which (spoiler?) means all the characters were going to die. But it’s okay because the movie fixes that ^^ But generally speaking, I’m not big on angsty endings. Angst is fine anywhere else.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I think it has to be either the The Hobbit fanfic or the Dragon Age Origins retelling. Characters I strongly identify with tend to get the happiest endings. Oh do I ever wonder why that is so

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve ever written?

I’ve never written a crossover, but I’ve read some really cool ones. There was one featuring the Mighty Nein in the Undeadwood setting (both by Critical Role) that I wished had gone on longer bc it was so cool.

Have you ever recieved hate on a fic?

One of the good things about not posting anything: you don’t subject it to judgement ;D

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I have... never finished writing a smutty scene.

One day. One day. Zevran might be the push I need, who knows

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Another one of the good things about not posting anything.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I started translating several of them myself! :D

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Oh yes! It’s an amazing experience. The creativity is squared. It is important though that all collaborators are on the same page about where the story goes, how the characters will be portrayed, etc. Especially if you give somebody your own OC or self-insert to write about.

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

There are a few that have a special place in my heart. Shadogast comes to mind, or Percy/Vex (from Critical Role). I love the Zevwarden ship because it’s a story about allowing feelings and romance and being stronger because of them (at least in my mind). I’m scared of what Fenris/Hawke might do to me when I get around to play DA2 XD

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Definitely the The Hobbit fanfic. It is a glorious mess, and from time to time I go through the documents again... but it’s just a really big project and my collaborators are busy

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue! Banter! I love it. I absolutely adore it. I make it way too long but it’s so much fun. I’m very much character driven I think, which is also why fanfic is so appealing to me. Actions speak louder than words, but characters shout through a megaphone. I also like pairing dialogue with very day-to-day, down-to-earth actions (like folding laundry). I feel like it allows me to convey so much more about the caracters than only through the words they say and the dialogue tags of “he said, she whispered”. Another thing I consider myself strong at is worldbuilding and generally keeping the practical things in mind. If it’s autumn, it’s probably gonna rain, the ground will be wet, they’ll sleep poorly and that’ll be reflected in heightened tempers and therefore more drama in the next scene. The fact that in canon a town has a harbor will have impacted this character who was born there. I like the details and puzzling the pieces together to make a world really come to life XD And, last, I have also recently learned that I write best non-chronologically, and to just write it all out and edit later. It does wonders to advance a project

What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions. I hardly write any at first. I normally see scenes very clearly in my head, but I... don’t communicate it XD I’m so character-driven that I kinda forget about the rest. I also tend to get too bogged down by the mundane? The fact that I like to play around with details of the worldbuilding and have it all make sense means I’ll write that scene where they break up camp even though it... doesn’t really add anything to the story apart from the fact that it happens and they indeed do break up camp. Things that I should tell, I show. It reflects in my wordcount.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I like it! I find it really interesting. I might even listen to the spoken dialogue via Google trnaslate XD The only reason it might bother me is that there’s just no elegant way to integrate the translation into the text on AO3. In a normal book, I’d go for a footnote, but in AO3 and with my chapter length, I won’t make anybody scroll down, read the translation, and scroll up again.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

My first ever fanfic before I knew what fanfic was were things I wrote age 11 with a friend about the cowboy stories this German late 19th century writer Karl May wrote. We were obsessed with those novels

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

I gotta say the Hobbit fanfic. It was melodramatic, it was self-indulgent, it had everything. I remember staying up with my friends way into the wee hours of the morning discussing how we’d save Thorin and his nephews from certain death and why Kili was so obsessed with Tauriel after talking to her once XD

And here we go! Thank you so much again for tagging me, this was a lot of fun (and it makes me want to post something. Maybe the Dragon Age Origins retelling will make the cut? I do hope I finish it in the next months)

To answer some Fanfic Questions...

So, this is my response to @broxklynn‘s post... I decided to make this its own post... So that It can be properly answered.

1. How and why did you start to write? Is there some kind of story behind it?

I started writing in general when I was in elementary school... Back when I just had a Platform 9 3/4 journal, not many friends, recess, and a desire to immerse myself in the world of Harry Potter. I enjoyed writing, and even joined the Writer’s Club in High School (but I eventually left to join Anime Club and Divergent Thinking Society). As for writing MCL fanfiction, I began writing Sam’s and Alana’s stories as early as when I first got into the fandom, back in 2013. Alana’s story started out as “A Fresh Start”, had a one shot called “When I Wake”, then turned into “Let The Dawn Be Broken”, and is now “The Melancholy Of Melody Alana Roster”. The final product barely has any hints of the first 3... In fact, Sam’s story, “Fighting Darkness”, has been completely debunked due to what I’ve decided to canonize in “The Melancholy Of Melody Alana Roster”. Writing MCL fanfiction has been a major help in distracting me from the depression that was caused by family issues, severe abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, my mom’s disease and her death, as well as working at several shitty jobs. Writing has helped me escape reality and keep myself sane enough to not be a black hole of hate, anger, and sadness to my friends and boyfriend.

2. What do you struggle the most with your writing?

There are 2 major things I struggle with... 1 is Timing. I often set deadlines for myself that I never meet and it makes me so frustrated that I miss them... There are currently things in my drafts that were meant to be “Holiday Specials” for Valentine’s Day and Halloween 2020 that are still unfinished... It makes me feel like I’m letting my readers down, when its more of me letting myself down... The other thing is Inspiration. Because I hate my job, I often think about Alana’s story in an effort to not be completely consumed by the fact that I do hate my work... Due to that, I often come up with ideas for my story that I think are FANTASTIC for my story... But, by the time I get home, I’m either in too much pain or too tired to write, or I’ve forgotten the ideas...

3. What is your favorite genre to write?

I love writing Romance with a bit of Slice of Life and a hint of Action/Adventure... 

4. Slowburn or “Flame”/PWP?

Slow burn any day.

5. How do you overcome writer’s block?

If I absolutely can’t write... I work on other stuff I need to do... Typically, something around the house, or something online I need to do... I also look for cool stuff to add to wish lists... I’ll occasionally play videogames or read comic books... In an effort to subvert writer’s block, I like having multiple chapters in my drafts at once. If I’m not in the mood to work on one chapter, I can work on a different one.

6. What kind of thing you dislike the most, when reading a fanfiction? (for example: particular plot, grammar mistakes)

One thing that makes me upset (and it makes me madder when I do this) is misspelling... Especially when it looks like its almost blatant... You have autocorrect, USE IT! Or when a fanfic is so awful, yet the author acts like their work is a gift from god... I don’t mind a “bad” fanfiction... Hell, the concept of “My Immortal” is so bad that its hilarious... But Fifty Shades did a lot of damage and E.L. James acts like she’s bigger than Jesus... Seriously, she wrote Twilight fanfiction, changed some minor details and names, people who have no knowledge of BDSM ate it up, and she acts like she’s a “Sex and Relationship Guru”...

7. What’s the biggest issue for you, when writing a Beemoov fanfiction?

The biggest issue for me is finding out when to allow for Beemoov’s writing and placement to take place in my story. I don’t like a lot of the events of UL and LL, so I’m often finding myself in a position where I have to watch video playthroughs and go “Okay, how can I omit this character, but keep this scene?”. I’ve had to do that A LOT with Alexy and Rosalaya.... Although, to a certain extent, I’ll often cut their scenes out altogether. I really hate what Beemoov did to them. They were great characters in HSL, but became utter shit in UL and stayed shit in LL. To make up for Beemoov’s writing style, I’ve created my own characters, added in old characters (like Kentin and Armin), added in bits from the manga (like Viktor, Severina and their fathers), and gone off on my own storyline. The Melancholy Of Melody Alana Roster is close to MCL at times, but often veers off onto its own road.

8. Have you ever created a character based on person in real life? (celebrity, someone that you know, etc)

YES!!! A LOT of characters in my story are based on real people! Alana’s step-father, Nate Films, is closely based on Nathan Fillion. A lot of her family members are based on members of my own family, just changed a bit to fit the story. Lynne Roster, Alana’s mom, is what I had always dreamed my own mom would be... Hell, Alana’s cat, Sylvester, is based on my own childhood cat, Luna.

9. How do you feel about your own characters? Do you think of them as your babies or have rather love-hate relationship with them? (And, do you have favorite one?)

I love most of my characters. I do hate 3 in particular... But, you’re supposed to hate, or at least not respect, them... That’s why I poured my hatred into them... Those 3 are Carol, Kai and Azrael. Carol has aspects of my abuser in her. You’ll see more of her when I finally post the HSL related chapters... And understand what I mean... Kai is based on one of my real life cousins that I’ve not been happy with for years (the one who my bf has deemed “the family failure”). You mainly see him in the Cousin Mels chapters, and in the Christmas Special... Azrael is the one who is seen the most in the UL chapters, and she is a main adversary for Alana. She is the one who broke her the most, the one who ended Alana’s relationship with Nathaniel, the one who truly traumatized her. As for ones I love... The one I love the most is Alana... I know, she’s a reflection of me, so that’s kind of vain... But, she’s a part of me. When I do finish her story and am at the point where I need to say “Goodbye”, it will hurt....

10. Enemies-to-lovers or friends/bestfriends-to lovers?

Definitely friends/best friends to lovers. I also like toying with what happens when best friends turn to lovers, but circumstance parts them and one moves on...

11. Is it easy for you to get inside your character’s head? Can you empathize with them? Is there’s some similarities between you and your main character?

It is VERY easy for me to get into Alana’s head... Like I said in #9, she is a reflection of me. She looks and acts like how I’d like to in a lot of situations... Her life is more interesting, traumatized, and more well off than mine... But, she is still me in major ways...

12. Who has been the biggest supporter of your writing?

Definitely my boyfriend. He doesn’t really understand the game itself... But, he likes how happy it makes me and he respects how much of my heart, soul, blood, sweat and tears that I’ve poured into writing my story. He loves listening to me read passages from it to him while I’m working. He gives me advice and his opinion is highly valued... My family knows I’m writing a large story, and have seen some of the images that I’ve gotten commissioned, but they don’t really know or care about the game. They do respect the fact that I am writing. They love the fact that I’m slightly following in my mom’s footsteps in that regard (she wrote 3 books and several poems). My online friends have been very supportive as well! I’m constantly updating them on what I’ve worked on each day in my Discord Server and the words of encouragement always help.

13. How do you handle criticism?

Not well. Due to the abuse and family issues mentioned in #1, for a good amount of my life, I’ve gotten nothing but harsh criticism... So, now that I’m away from all that, at 26 years old, I’m just now getting to a point where I’m starting to take it better... But, I’ve got a long way to go.

14. Do you like giving your characters trauma? Why/why not?

I hate sounding like a sadist... But, I’m going to anyway, so fuck it... Yes. I have done awful things to Alana over the years. In A Fresh Start, she got sexually assaulted and ostracized. In When I Wake, she gets into a car crash, put into a coma, and in her dream state murdered by Francis in front of Nathaniel. In Let The Dawn Be Broken, the plan was for her to end a war. In “The Melancholy of Melody Alana Roster”, her childhood cat dies, her mom gets sick, she gets abused by Carol, her best friends get ripped away from her for a bit, she gets sent to a country halfway around the world alone, she gets assaulted and ultimately turned into a weapon of mass destruction.... I’ve even thought of killing her mom off at one point... But decided against it...

Now, granted, A Fresh Start and Let The Dawn Be Broken never saw completion, but happy endings were planned for them...

I do this, all while giving Alana happy endings in each story because “If Alana can go through utter hell and make it through, then so can I.”... I know, I’m “god” in that regard and I can control how Alana’s life is.... But, the fact that in my writing, she ends up standing tall, happy, with everything she wants, after everything she goes through does make me feel better.... 

15. Are you proud of yourself? When you look at first piece you wrote and compare it to the latest one?

Yes. If you look at A Fresh Start, you can tell it was written by someone fresh out of High School. There’s no real depth to it. Let The Dawn Be Broken isn’t much better... But, The Melancholy of Melody Alana Roster has become my magnum opus. It is the largest piece I have EVER written, and will probably remain the largest piece I write. I am very proud of what I have created... And when its last word is written, and I am ready to get it made for it’s place on my shelf, I will feel very bittersweet about it... That being said, my original plan for a sequel involving Nathaniel’s and Alana’s daughter, Aurora, has been discarded. I don’t believe Aurora could ever have as much of my heart that her parents do...

And there you have it! Some insight into my world, writing, and history!