In the past two weeks I’ve given up on youtube and video games and now pass the time by reading and have read all of these so far. Yes I’m counting visual novels. Havin the time of my life.

its modelo time she said

the following takes place close enough to hear the waves break natural oils salt washed and golden skin sun baked our dirty heads soaking up the minerals together sinking into the water and drying out on the sand where the living breathing ocean spares us from going any further beached as it made for the shore stacks of buildings strand along the coast in one of many communities that carve into the edge of her country here ive headed for the summer already mistaken for a native she let me crash in her hammock introduced me to her circle i dont know why i fool myself everyone is only out to see her shes got connections all around the square social currency to get us into the best parties well spent on the most potent i can experience we’re polishing our third eyes picking up higher vibrations wiping away the clouds my mind has a clear view im looking down at the deep like a wellness retreat i found it making sense the rush in my heart when i hear the soul in her records beats to fall in love to what she produces is plentiful a shine she carries bright a glow to her face that reflects shes got the right idea and she really means it and im convinced of the magic she possesses its a potion given in small doses shes sweet as sapote now sometimes its her that i crave we sat on the curb in the plaza she promises she can heal me with herbs the right frequencies and meditation ritualistic methods of relaxation consuming ceremoniously proper respect for the dead before we kiss the especial we can reach the gods and make an offering our devotion through these spiritual interfaces reading from her book of hymns the goal is for the sermons to travel all throughout collective consciousness music is the best way to spread the word i asked for some recommendations she made me a sample worthy mixtape i saved it in my song machine a composer and singer, yours truly and i havent died yet just let me come up a little watch me turn the switch insert the tape set the levels on the EQ now we're talking we style like dub all-stars we've got creative control as long as we hold those crystals we can sustain and we can endure turning up the volume a little ghetto blasting the streets like this swimming through this heat even when the lights turn on up until then we were casual my gold under an open collar the short skirt for Milena my comments were at least respectful and we got down drunker than ever staying out late as we wanted restless legs in the night clubs frame by frame   flashes of her dancing closer to me then it got darker i was close to blacking out but from what i can remember the pitch was lower the tempo was slower i made the move she held on like i was saying goodbye her tears pressed against my cheek thats when she let go of my hand knowing we were more than friends i guess shes better off with her backup plan but her gentleman still bites his tongue and that girl looks cute with anyone even as her relationship began to stagnate a harsh contrast to the honeymoon phase it can be such an ugly feeling to betray Milena says she will love the best she can so this is how it ends and this is how i romanticize everything was perfect for a while everything was right when we were alone i returned still tripping on my feelings drifting in and out of regret staying awake to all of the noise in my head losing touch and recovering from the withdrawals a ways away and im near sighted shes out of focus a million miles from her and i was tempted to send my love but like all my former sidekicks the years passed and corrected dressing us definitely theres no going back and no more rewinding our soundtrack i stopped the tape and put in another   proud of myself for going this far being like i want everyday without a fantasy reality is a fruit ripe to eat oxygen is delicious repeating my affirmations until i fall sleep sometimes dreaming of Milena im swinging in that hammock carried away by the stars underneath my eyelids and i can still taste the sea on my lips

All of your eggpire headcanons.

HELLO ?????? have u ever read photosynthesis anon bc almost every single one of these is gonna be something i wrote into it

okay. um. alright.

okay well first of all to be clear this is set in my dream world where the egg gets its proper finale and Fucking Dies and does not come back and they get to heal and such.

second of all this is also in a world where theres no revive book and dream is fucking Dead and the prison goes unused, so my punz hcs ignore most of his recent characterization and the staged disc finale and such.

third of all sam and ponk get into a huge argument over the egg while ponk is possessed and sam is unknowingly fighting off possession, which is when/where ponk loses their arm as opposed to over the prison thing.

while the egg looks and functions very similarly to a plant, its actually made up of components extremely similar to blood and flesh. the bloodvines themselves work almost like veins, branching out to solidify the egg's presence in the world and siphon energy from the earth itself and all those living there. the lava is less like blood and more like saliva, consuming and breaking down what it comes in contact with.

the egg is extremely empathetic. it senses intent. it learns. it learns how to read people, their wants and motivations and what makes them snap, and learns how to speak in order to use that information against them. it learns to harden itself and turn invulnerable when explosions rock the earth, learns the feel and effects of gunpowder as it explores the crater, and saves itself just in time when quackity attempts to blow it up. it learns to cause harm to anyone who tries to physically hurt it.

the egg is a parasite, both to the world and those it corrupts. it enters the body through the mind, moving slowly, holding power and want and desire just out of reach. it feels like a second heartbeat in your chest. it feels like a fullness, a wholeness, so much that you could burst. it breaks down the barrier between your mind and its own, until you cant tell which thoughts and wants and intentions are yours and which belong to the egg. until you no longer think that the difference matters.

everyone is effected differently in the way that will best keep them under control. skeppy is made wholly apathetic, hannah confused and disoriented, punz given independence and power so long as he returns when called. it knows how to trap those it corrupts.

bad and skeppys mansion turns into a sort of big communal house for the eggpire members. some stay there more often than others, but eventually everyone has their own room, and it's a second home to all of them

antfrost is basically a tabaxi. i actually struggled a lot with picturing him in my head UNTIL while i was writing his scene in chapter 1 the word tabaxi popped into my head and my entire brain restarted and now its my favoritest little hc ever likeeeeeeee. yeah <3

antfrost gets really bad sleep paralysis post-egg

skeppy has a whole Thing with diamonds and general ore/jewels and stuff the same way that hannah has a Thing with roses and flowers and general nature

the egg got a very good chunk of its power from that connection through skeppy when skeppy locked himself in with it, and thats the reason the vines spread so rapidly and the egg room became so fucked so quickly afterwards, because it now had a connection to the earth itself

sam never Really shook the effects of the egg. he really tried to, but he still gets bits and pieces and whispers, and theres still something dark and ugly in the back of his mind that he cant actually get rid of or push out.

post-egg, ponk is the one to reach out and get most of the members together again to help each other out and try to learn how to be real friends again

ponk misses the egg the most. they all do in their own ways, but the egg was ponk's first ever strong sense of community and belonging and he hates how much that meant to him and how much he longs for it some days.

ponk prefers using their arm as is to a prosthetic. that isnt to say they dont HAVE a prosthetic, sam is constantly modifying and improving it, but. the bloodvines that became their arm and hand and wrist and fingers after it was severed felt so real. sometimes the feeling and control they get from the prosthetic reminds them a little too much of the egg, whereas the stump is a reminder that theyre free.

bad gets pretty bad hallucinations post-egg, and has more than once become COMPLETELY convinced that the egg has returned. it was very messy the first time, especially when no one knew whether or not it was true, but they quickly fall into a routine of contacting hannah or skeppy when it happens.

the reason hannah was so quickly taken by the egg and the reason it was so disorienting and confusing to her is largely because the egg used her connection to roses/flowers/nature against her, forcing its way into her head

hannah is an only child and her family is very nice and loving !! its part of why shes so like Good with emotions and so. well. Sane

hannah spent a lot of time traveling on her own before she settled down in the dream smp

she actually meets c!boomer During These Travels and that's when he initially dies. havent figured out my hcs for when/how he ends up in the dream smp yet but him as a ghost or zombie or whatever is so funny to me. that or hannah THINKS he dies and is forced to run but he Survives and then they end up in the same place again

hannah hummingbird wings. photosynthesis i also made them magic for Convenience considering a lot of things but in an ideal world they are very physical very real feathers and all

hannah is a very big fan of hot chocolate, rain, and storms

bbh is VERY good at baking, and hannah is VERY good at cooking. every other time bad tries to teach her to bake, he also pranks her in some way. she eventually starts learning from tina instead

the egg was actually greatly weakened when foolish was sacrificed, which led to quackity being able to destroy it for good during the red banquet. where it was able to more slowly draw power from hannah and skeppy, foolish's connection to death hit it all at once and fucked it up Quite A Bit. not only did it not have time to process/adapt/adjust, but because the power was Death, well. yeah <3

when quackity's weapons failed to piece the egg's membrane, he got frustrated and desperate enough to try using his teeth. it worked, and is a large part of the reason he was able to take it down. the egg was Not prepared for teeth.

quackity, foolish, eret, and sam eventually visit more and become more comfortable around the eggpire members post-banquet whereas puffy, niki, purpled, and fundy generally avoid them at all cost

they start calling themselves the badlands again

the badlands become very close with kinoko and las nevadas. while it starts with bbh reconciling with quackity, sapnap, gnf and the others, a lot of other friendships are quick to form

skeppy is everyones go-to when they need to bitch about something. he listens well and will either bitch right along with them or let them know if theyre the one in the wrong

hannah and ponk start a big garden together, ponk teaching hannah how to grow fruits and vegetables and hannah teaching ponk how to grow flowers

punz is Very blunt with his emotions. he doesnt outwardly seem to care much but when his opinion or thoughts are asked for he doesnt hesitate to answer honestly, and he spends a decent bit of time at the mansion instead of deciding to stay away entirely

punz has changed the least since the egg, but the power he felt under it is something he doesnt think he'll forget for as long as he lives.

the egg almost corrupts quackity. almost. but quackity already has a parasite in his body, already has something haunting him and a second heart beating in his chest, and that parasite had far too strong and steady a hold on him already for the egg to get in.

similarly, tommy is immune to the egg because the egg does not care to try and tempt him, does not care to reshape and mold him when he's already so bent out of place. there is nothing the egg can promise nor threaten that tommy would listen to, and so it does not waste the energy trying

tubbo cries because the egg is in his head, because the egg promises that tubbo could have peace, could have community, could serve the greater good again. tubbo cries because the egg forces its way through all of his barriers, takes every emotion he has repressed and compartmentalized and forces the dam to burst all at once. it doesnt work, in the end, but its a valiant enough effort

💭 : 𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘬𝘺𝘶𝘶 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘴 𝘪𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘢𝘧𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘵.

𝐒𝐀𝐊𝐔𝐒𝐀 𝐊𝐈𝐘𝐎𝐎𝐌𝐈 . . .

i am a girl who loves to go out partying & clubbing every weekend and playing drunk hide & seek at a park at 2am with friends. when drunk you’re not really considering the dirt, bugs and whatever else there is thrown about when you’re trying to win a game of hide & seek. when at a club or a party, there will always be someone touching you and bumping into you whether it be purposeful or not. a big crowd surrounded by sweaty, dancing bodies is not a place for people with germaphobia (in my opinion) Sakusa would absolutely hate for me to come home to him after a long night of doing those kind of activities... ill do him a favour by never shooting my shot.

𝐎𝐈𝐊𝐀𝐖𝐀 𝐓𝐎𝐎𝐑𝐔 . . .

Oikawa is the kind of guy id see at a club in the middle of the dance floor just vibing, lips latched onto a random vape that a chick let him smoke on and ofc a vodka raspberry grasped in one hand (i just know he’d love raspberry vodka). this man would have so many chicks lined up for him already that there is no way he’d notice my short ass out of all the fine women at the club. as confident as i am intoxicated, there is absolutely no fucking way i’d have the guts to actually approach this gorgeous being, like ILL JUST ADMIRE FROM AFAR, ITS FINE.

𝐀𝐊𝐀𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐈 𝐊𝐄𝐈𝐉𝐈 . . .

MY HUSBAND.. i would be way too shy to shoot my shot at a man like Akaashi fucking Keiji. he’s the person i’d have a massive crush on in my second year of high school and him being a third year. he’d be the type to help a poor helpless girl like me carry some old books to bring to the front desk of the library and thats when the crush would start blossoming. he’s someone who would greet me whenever we pass by each other by chance because he’s kind like that and i’d fucking freak out everytime. i’d be that girl hopelessly & obviously pinning over a man a year above her and EVERYONE finding out about my crush on him and him finding out EVENTUALLY. i would be so embarrassed that i’d intentionally avoid the loml for the rest of my school years.

𝐓𝐒𝐔𝐊𝐈𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐌𝐀 𝐊𝐄𝐈 . . .

ah salty Kei.. lmao me and this dude would definitely be enemies at the start. i just know that he and i would be those randoms at school you’d see arguing over the dumbest, most random shit every single day. though it would be entertaining at first, it would eventually get exhausting to witness all the time. Tsukishima would be that guy i’d suddenly gain a huge crush on after an argument in some private area, where he’d say something flirty/dirty to get me riled up and those words would have me weak in the knees and stuck in my mind all night. i’d rather jump off a cliff than to ever confess to an enemy. i am too prideful.

𝐊𝐔𝐑𝐎𝐎 𝐓𝐄𝐓𝐒𝐔𝐑𝐎𝐔 . . .

Kuroo would be my bestfriend. the guy i’d tell everything to and someone i trust to hold my drink for me. he’s your perfect man, a man you’d want to have by your side for the rest of your life because he’s pleasant & overall wonderful to have around. someone your mum would adore and your (my) strict asian grandma will trust to have around her granddaughter. he’s hilarious, smart and attentive. there is absolutely no way i wouldn’t fall for this guy?? he’s got the looks & personality, he ticks all the boxes. if i were to ever fall inlove with a bestfriend like this i’d definitely shove these feelings aside, because anything is better than losing a close friend over some dumb feelings. i would take this secret crush to the grave.

☂︎︎ Athena’s A.M thoughts

a/n: theres plenty more but this was all i could be bothered writing for today, it’s literally 2am now lmao. THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK. off to bed, i shall🥱

So I had this weird dream where I was trapped inside a mirror world. After I woke up my brain went like "thats it- write a fucking Scary Stories fix it fanfic/ one shot"

So in this OS/ff I'm gonna focus on Chuck (and the Auggie x Chuck ship)(because he baby) and how hes stuck in some kind of other world (influenced by the celtic "anderswelt/ other world"). Its just a snipped- theres going to follow more. There will be some hidden meanings and symbols.(will fix grammar mistakes later)

Maybe the one person who will read it catches the first hidden meaning

At first Chuck was mad at Stella.

That she let the monster take Auggie away. Let him getting dragged away.

They showed him the place- the place he went lost. In his own goddamn bedroom.

He saw the dragging marks on the floor. And seeing this made him angry.

There were still things he wanted to do with his friends, and seeing them going missing wasnt one of this.

And this all started because she picked up this stupid book.

And now? Now he was going to disappear to. Surrounded by pale women- she forcing him into a hug, finally swolling him whole.

Now he wasnt going to miss Auggie any more.

Sounded really sad but it was the reality now- for him.

And maybe he would stop feeling like this towards his friend.

Maybe he would stop feeling anything.

But on the other habd- maybe he would be trapped in a void, still being the same person, still feeling the same things he did when he was alive. The things he would get judged for in his hometown. The things he would get judged for if he would ever tell anyone.

Now, the moment the pale woman was about to swallow him whole he started to panic.

It was like in his dreams all over again.

And he never felt felt like his friends took him serious. Took the dreams serious.

The moment they went to look for the records of Sarah, walking down the hallway towards the R.E.D room he also was about to lose his mind.

Neither Stella nor Ramón listened to him, his worries. Stella just told him to wait there.

Wow what an idea- leaving him there alone while the hospital hallways were filled with nurses and doctors. What a great idea it was. But her head was fully stuck into swooning over their new found friend Ramón.

Totally ignoring his concern. But what ever- this moment he not just felt like a third wheel. No. He was one- literally.

He should have come with them now that he was thinking of it. Shouldnt he?

Either was- this shit sucked.

And now he was trapped here. His friends probably busy with something from much more importance than him.

Searching for a clue, a solution how to stop this madness.

But he wasnt going to witness it anyway - them failing or winning.

Instead he was about to disappear and who knows what would await him on the other side.

His last thoughts drifted away to his sister and how they were able to safe her. She would probably enjoy a life without him- who knows.

And then he was gone.

Swallowed up, whole by the monster from his nightmare. By his own nightmare.

The moment he opened his eyes he was trapped in complete darkness.

No light- just darkness. And emptiness

As he looked down he saw black goo covering the ground. He was sitting in it. Could see a bit of his own reflection.

Well at least he was still this handsome young man like when he was alive.

He sighed and got up- black goo still sticking on him. Hands, clothes, face.

Looking around he saw nothint. No one else was there. It looked completely lost. If he really would be stuck here forever he'd go crazy.

Not his favorite idea ot a place to go. Not the best place to go to when dead.

Come to think of- was he even dead? It didnt felt like... dying?

But who was he to know how dying would feel like?

Its his first time dying (?)

Its just that he rather felt alive than dead the moment he got swallowed.

Confusing.

He looked around again. A second time.

Nothing changed.

"Just standing around there wont do anything. Lets go."

He told himself, no clue for what he was even looking for.

But everything was better than just sitting around there doing nothing. He wondered how much time already had passed.

Didnt felt like much- but maybe the time was working differently wherever he was trapped right now.

He really wanted to find out where he was but where to start when theres nothing- just darkness, emptiness.

He sighed again, looking at the black goo on his hands.

What a way to end a life.

Everytime Chuck took a step he got suck a bit into the black shit on the ground. With ever step his breathing got heavier.

Wherever he was- it must be the worst place of it all. He walked and walked, it seemed endless. It all seemed the same.

It felt like hours. Him walking around there. Seemed so sensless all of the sudden. But he didnt give up. He didnt want to- he couldnt. Maybe there was a way out and he just had to search for it.

Did he ever wanted to come back? To his reality? Guess not- not without Auggie.

And just in the right moment he saw something- a door. White. Looked just the same like the ones in the hospital. Two lanterns were placed next to the door. It didnt look very inviting. But what else could happen?

"What else could happen if I take this door? Maybe getting sucked deeper into this shit? Maybe if I take this door I will never come back? I dont even know how deep down it goes down here."

He grabbed the doorhandle anyway and pushed it down, pulling the door open. He was greeting with white lights, it was almost blinding him- such a strong contrast to the darkness behind him.

And he could saw the hospital hallway right in front of him.

All corridors looked the same so it was a suprise for him that he figured out that it was the one where he got swallowed.

And the moment he stepped into the scene it all repeated itself. It felt like a nightmare, he could see himself- running scared, away from the woman. Lost. It was terrifying to watch.

"But at least its just showing me what happened- not that I have to endure it again by myself." He took a deep breath and walked up on of the hallways- trying to ignore what was happening right befor his eyes.

"Its nothing- its just a bad d[...]"

He stopped. His words. His movements.

Because the lights had turned red.

"Ah shit man- are you kidding me? Not again! I already died I cant die again!" He shouted out- watching in horror how his nightmare was walking right towards him.

Wait.

He was already gone.

She couldnt hurt him again.

"I'm dead you cant hurt me!" He shouted towards her.

"Gonna catch me if you can!" And then he started to run. He didnt know where he was running but he was running- and this time he was winning. At least it felt like winning to him. Even if it meant that he would get lost even more.

Well- if he finds a nice place maybe he could stay here. Maybe its better than the cold real life.

The hallway was getting darker again, this time there was fog everywhere - it made breathing heavier and he coughed a few times, rubbing his eyes.

Maybe ge should just stay here. What was the point of even trying to get out.

Chuck stumbled.

Banged his head on a door.

On a door that appeared out of nowhere.

He was sure there wasnt one few moments ago- he was loosing his mind already.

"Its happening already damn." He rubbed his forehead.

The door looked different from the one before.

It was white too- but there were small details caved in the wood of it. It had a doorknob with a symbol on it. He couldnt made out what this symbol was since the fog was blocking his few.

"I just want to take a look if its shitty there I wont pass it."

He looked back- knowing that he still was followed by the pale woman. He could see her.

"Or maybe I will take the risk of what ever is waiting for me on the other side."

He turned the knob around and took a last look at the dark hallway, the nightmare which was almost right behind him.

"Good riddance."

Then he went through the door- and the moment he passed it, it disappeared. So did his unsafe feeling.

But it still was dark. Luckily not as dark as before.

As he looked up he could see the dark sky- it looked just like the one he used to see in his hometown. It looked to normal.

But there werent any people nor animals. Just him and...

And a swaying bridge. Apprearing right before his eyes.

Connecting two cliffs- leading across a deep dark gorge.

And the bridge was a rainbow.

A fucking rainbow. Out of everything he hated the most he got a bridge covered in rainbow colors.

"I hate my not-so-alive life. Rainbow. Fine."

another kind of goodbye

for @carry-the-sky. happy birthday, my friend! have a little post-cancellation kastle fic.

It’s three months, give or take, when Frank lets himself think about her again. Really think about her. Not in the passing kind of way, where he’s walking down some street and sees a bouquet of gardenias, like the kind he’d almost gotten her instead of the roses that day. Or when he’s sipping on coffee, and Karen’s face flashes like a mirage at him across the cheap Formica table – blonde hair almost white under the shit diner lighting, but those eyes still so blue as she told him he would never lie to her.

So – okay, so he thinks about her. He thinks about her.

(He wonders if she—)

Frank eventually makes his way back to the city again, after. Another day, another job. Madani thinks he’s meant for something greater than this – than picking off these scum-of-the-earth kinds of assholes that litter the streets of a place like New York.

He can’t believe that he was meant for greater, but. Sometimes, he does wonder. If a part of him – whatever part of him that’s not still buried deep down in the ground with his family – was meant to come back here. To walk these streets and feel the pull of her, always, even when that’s all he can afford to feel.

He tells himself that has to be enough.

He’s been laying low, since his return. Coughed up some cash for a three-hundred-square-footer in Brooklyn, but he crosses the bridge to the city most days, maybe even finds his way to Hell’s Kitchen from time to time too. It’s risky, he knows. If Murdock catches wind of him, they’d be lucky to walk away from each other in one piece. And Karen…

There’d be a different kind of hell to pay, if Karen ever found out.

His phone gives a single buzz in his pocket as he’s hunkering his way down 47th, and he stops in his tracks, nearly colliding with an elderly woman in the middle of the sidewalk.

“Excuse me!” she says in a shrill voice, bag clutched tight to her chest.

“Apologies, ma’am,” he nods as she makes a show of putting as much distance between them as possible, and then he fishes his phone out, hesitating for one absurd moment before glancing down at the screen.

Back in town yet, Castle?

He barks out a laugh. Chrissakes, Madani.

His phone buzzes again.

I have a job for you, if you’re still interested.

“Still,” mutters Frank, with a scoffing shake of his head. He thinks he admires her perseverance, but Madani’s gotta know she’s only wasting her breath.

He cuts south down 10th, toward Lincoln Tunnel. It’s a brisk day, and the wind on his face feels sharper than usual, considering he hasn’t bled much there in a while. He jams his hands deeper into his pockets, ignoring the insistent drone of Madani’s follow-up call.

He’s got a date with a park bench on the wrong side of town, and if he closes his eyes, he can pretend it’s the same bridge overlooking the water, and when he opens them again Karen’ll be there, waiting for him.

…

His closest call comes with, of all people, the lawyer. Not Red – the other one. Franklin Nelson.

Frank’s emerging with coffee two storefronts down just as another door opens, and he’s cursing himself for not seeing the signs when out tumbles Nelson with his back turned, adjusting his tie against the wind.

“Foggy bear, wait!” someone else is laughing, and a blonde lady steps out to chase after him, slinging a purse over her shoulder and reaching with her other hand to link around his elbow.

“I told him this was gonna make me late for work,” grumbles Nelson, but without any heat to the words. “Dad’s surprise party isn’t until tomorrow, don’t know why this couldn’t have waited – oh, crap, I forgot I told Karen I’d pick up some coffee—”

Nelson’s about-facing sharply, girlfriend following closely behind. He doesn’t appear to notice Frank crouched down in a corner by the 7-Eleven, hood obscuring half his face as he trains his eyes on the ground by their feet. The girl unearths some coins from her bag as they pass, clinking them onto the lid of Frank’s coffee cup without seeming to hear his low mutter of thanks.

He’s leapt up the moment he hears the door latch shut, brushing the coins into his palm as he goes.

He leaves them with a guy camped out by the train stop, a dog lifting her head from their blankets to blink sleepy eyes up at Frank, and he walks away harder, takes the steps two at a time and wishes – God he wishes—

…

Another text from Madani.

He shuts his phone off. Goes back to retrieve it ten seconds later from the trash can that he’d dumped it in, wiping it down and scowling as her message pops up on the screen.

Castle – offer still stands, FYI.

“You should call her back,” advises a man huddled down by the newsstands next to him. His face is like leather, worn down and weathered with age, with living. “Apologize for whatever it is that you did, so you don’t end up out here like me.”

“Already there,” Frank tells him, turning the phone over and over in his hand. Madani’s message lights up again each time, flashing and flashing until he sees it like a burn through his retinas even when the phone’s no longer facing him.

“Damn. That’s a damn shame.” The guy shifts, scratching at a spot on his back. “Maybe shouldn’t’ve stayed away from her for so long.”

Frank shakes his head, uttering a short, incredulous laugh. “Well, maybe I got my reasons, yeah? You think about that?”

“Doesn’t matter what I think,” shrugs the guy. “Does she think they’re any good? These reasons of yours?”

Frank turns away, jaw working furiously.

“Yeah.” The guy shouldn’t have any right to sound as smug as he does, and yet. “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

…

He’s got no place in coming here. He knows it. He knows it, but he thinks it was always meant to be this way, him circling back around to her, even after everything that he’s done to push her away. Maybe a part of him had never left. And the rest is just – there, hovering right at the edge of some sharp realization, that he could try to be whole again if he simply took that first step. And a part of Karen must at least sense that. It’s why she’d never really given up on him, before.

It doesn’t change how I feel about you.

Frank wonders if she’d forgive him this time. If he’d even want her to.

It wouldn’t be anything close to what he deserves, that’s for goddamn sure.

He gazes up at her fire escape, counts the number of steps it would take just to be able to reach that bottom rung from his vantage point across the street. Her shades are drawn, the lines of them blurred out in the dim orange light. On one corner of the windowsill, wedged up against the glass, there’s a small stack of books. On the other, a vase. From this angle, the shadows folded into the fabric of her curtains look almost like flower stems.

Frank squints, and the stems disappear.

…

There’s about a week in between, where he feels himself inching closer to something, each time he drops by her block. He never goes farther than the patch of sidewalk across from her building, but it’s getting harder not to just careen over the ledge.

More than anything, he wishes he knew, in those moments obscured in half-darkness, whether he’s come to look for that after she’d spoke of, or if he’s come to say goodbye.

Then, one day he spots flowers in her window, for the first time since—

(They’re pale white against the cream of her curtains, their stems dark slivers of green, and he imagines them pricking the pad of his thumb, drawing up a spot of blood.)

Frank takes a deep breath.

…

She doesn’t look surprised to see him when she opens the door, swinging it back two-thirds of the way before stopping. Her lips are pressed tightly together, like there’s too much to say, or maybe there’s things that she can’t, either way he can’t read her and he thinks she’s never terrified him more.

Frank drops his gaze, mouth moving soundlessly until the words grind their way out. “How’d you know I was here, Karen?”

He’s not sure what kind of answer he’s expecting. That Nelson had grown a real pair of eyes, or that Red had managed to ferret him out of his lurking somehow. Or maybe Karen really just hadn’t known at all, and those flowers were never for him.

What Karen says instead is, “Dinah and I grab a beer together, sometimes.”

“That right?” he asks, trying to lay out an image of this in his mind. It sits strangely there, stumping him for a moment, and some of his bewilderment must show on his face because Karen’s mouth almost turns up in a smile before flattening again.

She leans away from the doorjamb, waving her hand in a worn-looking gesture before letting it drop to her side. “Besides, you…haven’t exactly been subtle, in your haunting of Hell’s Kitchen.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that, other than a gruff, “’S’what dead men do, Karen,” as she folds her arms and sighs at him.

“You sure you’re not just losing your touch, Frank?” She steps into the doorway, whether to move closer to him or to block him out of her apartment, he can’t tell. “Or was it because you wanted me to know but couldn’t tell me to my face?”

His eyes snap up to hers, twitching slightly under the sharp weight of her gaze. He shakes his head, wishing he could just ask her, What do you want from me, Karen? but they’re long past that now, and if he can’t find his own way to answer her, then.

God, he really doesn’t deserve this woman.

“I think I—” He shifts his body and tries again. “I think I needed to figure some things out. Karen. I was waiting 'til I felt like I was ready, and I don’t think I’ll ever be that.” But I’m here, he wants to say, but I’m here.

“Yeah.” Karen’s nodding, hair falling into her face, and she brushes it back, resting her chin in her palm for a moment. “I know that, Frank.” All of the fight in her seems to have ebbed slowly back, and he resists the urge to reach out and shake the storm back into motion, to make her understand she doesn’t get to let him off the hook so easy.

The look she gives him now is softer, but he knows. Fight’s not done. May never be done. And he knows this because he knows he’ll never stop fighting for her.

She’s stepped back into the door, letting it swing open further. She doesn’t invite him in, but she’s quirked an eyebrow up at him, biting her lip with another deep sigh and a shake of her head.

“You, uh.” Frank glances back and forth at their surroundings, doesn’t quite meet her eye. Tries to lighten his tone through the gruffness as he asks her, “So, you wanted to see me?”

Her voice is soft, forbearing, with a hint of gentle knowing behind it. “You didn’t?”

She’s holding back the clear start of a smile from him this time, and Frank. Christ. It’s taking everything in him not to step toward her, to—

Karen tilts her chin at him, the motion loosening another wave of blonde hair, and he can’t remember anymore why he was trying so hard to stand back from all this. He’s moving, swaying forward until she’s just an arm’s length away, and there’s something almost teasing about the way she relaxes her shoulder into the door as she watches him.

“You back to kill some people, Frank?”

He feels a corner of his mouth turn up. This girl. He licks his lips, lets out a quiet sort of laugh. “That was the plan, yeah.”

Karen gazes up at him, unblinking. “Have you?”

“I was—” Frank has to look away for a moment, finally turning back when he can. His eyes are steady, boring into hers, voice low and full with meaning. “I was. Working on it.”

Karen nods. Doesn’t speak for long seconds, and he measures them out in heartbeats, chest tightening hard enough it feels like it might break when she asks him, very carefully, “Still?”

Frank steps closer, close enough to feel the way her breath shakes with a small sigh, how her body moves away from the door to meet him.

His hand is inches from hers, but he doesn’t reach for her. Not yet.

She waits, gaze searching. He gives the barest shake of his head, and a single word, gravel-filled, a promise. “No.”

Something cracks open in her expression, and it means everything to him, her head ducking away as though she can’t have him looking too closely at the way she's biting back that smile of hers, and he thinks – he thinks he wants to make her do it again, and again, for as long as she will have him.

“Would you like to come in, Frank?”

He takes her hand in his this time, feeling the pull of her as he steps across the threshold, door shutting firmly behind them, and it feels like coming home.

10/06/18

i havent talked about my new interest of affection. i am writing this now because even if things are way waaaay far from being normal, i just wanted to reminisce the good old days while im still not feeling bitter about it. i am not into mushy stuff and sappy things but here goes. he probably would never even get to read this so lol. 

i was totally fine with being alone. i had a bad case of a heartbreak earlier this year and i was confident with being alone. i’ve learned it the hard way; not seeking for others company to feel secured. but then this soul came out of the blue. it wasnt like at first sight. errrr or should i say that it wasnt like at first virtual conversation. nor the second. or the third. it started out as something purely virtual, yes. we just talked and talked and talked. gradually, though not slowly, i became comfortable with this soul. i am the type of person who feels lowkey anxious with phone calls yet this soul made it so easy for me to talk to him on the phone from 10pm til dawn. it lasted for a few days. then for a week. then for two weeks. slowly, without realizing, it kinda grew into me. he grew into me. 

he was far from my ideal. oh god, he was barely my ideal. hes apathetic, hes not into chivalry, he has a lot of pet peeves, hes detached, he keeps on maintaining this cool headed doesn’t give a damn type of facade, hes too honest, and hes annoying. he had these ear piercings, one he pierced on his own. he smokes more than five times a day. he usually isn’t sober. but then theres this side of him who’s into literature so much, who gets lost in his surroundings the moment he gets so immersed reading a book, who writes his heart out, who writes poetry, who believes in passion (he wouldnt agree on this but i can see it), who loves films and music as much as i do, who loves memes ranging from dank to dark. he was a mix of both good and bad. he was the perfect balance of good and bad. 

this soul made me become more in sync with myself. he taught me the art of saying no. he taught me to say whats on my mind despite the fact that i may hurt other peoples feelings. he taught me not to be too much of a pushover. i guess i may be romanticizing it too much. but thats how i felt. he made me happy. i felt like i was a teenager in her coming of age years all set up for a free fall. i felt butterflies on my stomach. and he said he did too. its crazy. its overwhelming how you can give and receive the same amount of affection from a person. i wasnt asking for him but the universe let us cross paths even for a little while. it mustve meant something. sometimes i wonder why we had to click and vibe easily only for the connection to be taken away from us on such a short notice. if he was given to me only to be a lesson then alright. i guess i have to swallow the fucking pill. i just done get it sometimes. i havent felt this connection throughout my experience. im not even exaggerating it. i havent found someone i can truly be comfortable with. why did it have to end so soon. whyyyy

people say that ill find someone new. that hes not the last person ill feel this connection with. im forced to end it because my parents told me so. it sucks. both of us are so happy yet we had to let go because of all these external forces coming right at us. honestly, im a coward. i cant go through the process of letting go and moving on yet again. i dont know how ill be able to cope this time knowing that this soul grew into me unlike nobody else before. so if the heartbreaks ive went through already hurt so bad, i dont know how this one would. im also scared when the time comes, if the time comes, that ill find a new love, i may end up comparing the rush to this one. no one will make me feel the way he did. 

its crazy. my parents said they will never accept this guy. how could so much love for me hinder me from being genuinely happy? i know this is me being selfish. ive tried the best i can to be the ideal daughter for my parents. i mess up one time and now im not allowed to do anything except to drop the guy. im starting to lose hope that there will ever be any slightest bit of chance for compromise. harsh words have been said already. heavy heavy words have cause hurt and pain. everythings fucked up. it sucks that i cant do anything to fix it. but okay, ill try to get my shit together. ill try.

Expectations: Not Your Average Novel

Coming into college was a lot like starting this essay. When I sat down this afternoon to write, I started with fiction. A story so vastly different from my own life, that it was easier to get lost in the story, than it was to face the reality that I had only ever read of such experiences. Before coming to college, I imagined that college would mean that I would be starting a brand new narrative. Life would simply be divided into a before and an after. But here I am sitting in a limbo of both worlds. The melody of a song from the before and the voice of my roommate in the after both clash in my ear, but yet it is a sound I have grown to long for, the familiarity of the unknown.

Growing up, getting lost in someone else's narrative was as simple as opening up a book or starting a movie. In elementary school my mind was always filled with fantasies of what middle school would be like, then once I was met with a completely different reality I began to fill my mind with dreams of what high school would be like. By the time I was in high school I was so caught up in the illusion of what high school could be like, that I spent three years waiting for it all to begin. It was the third week of my senior year, as I was walking in through the gates I gotten to know so well in the last three years, going to the lockers that had once been a dream that only high school could make a reality, that something began to itch at the back of my mind. My brain trying to remember something it had yet to think of. As I made my way to class, my best friend at my side, I was caught up in the feeling of it all. I knew exactly where I was going, the metal of the door handle felt familiar against the skin on my hand, the clashing of the air conditioning against the hot California air felt almost like an echo of a memory that had become habit. As I greeted my friends, who sat at the spot we had adopted since our freshman year, I stopped and turned to my best friend and said, “We are in high school.” She laughed, pausing only when she saw the unfamiliar seriousness on my face. “Oh you’re being serious, ya we’ve been in high school for three years now. Are you ok?” Just like that all my memories came crashing back, and I realized how my expectations of what high school would be like, had been stopping me from coming to a realization that was apparently natural for everyone else. I decided in that moment to try my best to stop expecting and just live.

But who am I kidding, I still came in with expectations. I was successful in not expecting anything out of my social life, but when it came to aesthetic, I couldn’t seem to stop myself from imagining the beauty that came with living in the city. The first day I arrived, the sky was covered in a low red cloud, the mist clung onto your clothes begging to be recognized, the sky was dark, as it was almost 9:00 PM, and as the taxi wove its way through the city, my mind remained groggy. It was impossible to imagine that only a few hours early I had been standing in the airport, my throat already parched from the dry heat of California summers, the sun beating down on the hot pavement that led up to the airplane, and as I stood on the steps that led up to the small plane that would take us across the country, I searched the entrance for one last glance of my sister and my mother, hoping to say goodbye.

As the plane took off and I waved goodbye to cliche blue skies and swaying palm trees, I tried to imagine what type of world I would be arriving in in the coming hours. I imagined a bright city, stars overhead, cars zooming past, and dozens of people scattered on the street. I imagined my dorm room, the 7th floor they had told me, right in front of the park, the treetops would be the blanket on the foreground that was surrounded by lit buildings and the background would be painted skies I had grown so accustomed to back home. Instead the window that would provide me with such views, was across the hall, right in front of my room. The blanket of leaves was replaced with air conditioning motors, the lit buildings I had imagined were now the lit windows of my neighboring hallmates, and the painted skies were left up to imagination hinted at only by the pigeons that would fly down occasionally reminding us that there was more than the brick wall that blocked all else.

A similar thing happened with academics, I had practically planned my four years down to each specific class before I had even stepped on campus. A journalism and psychology dual degree, that's what I had promised myself and my parents, it’s what I had promised to practically anyone who asked why I was going to NYU. The first few lessons in psychology fascinated me, but as the weeks went by everything began to lose the magic of being new, and started to become a subject I resented. The not-even-close to passing grade on my first midterm reflected my disinterest, and as the weeks went by I found myself struggling to convince myself that this was the right path for me. Yet while I was unsatisfied with psychology, I began to fall more in love with literature and writing. With every story I read, whether it was in my seminar or Writing the Essay classes, my fascination with words became more embedded. Even after doing worse than I expected on a writing assignment, instead of giving up like I had in psychology, it only made me want to write more. I had never expected to want to improve at something, having grown up with the complex that mistakes meant failures, and I realized maybe it was time to change my academic expectations.

So ya maybe college isn't quite as I expected, and although this reflection may seem negative, everyday I find myself being fascinated by college. While my view may not be great, I find myself spending time sitting in our hallway staring out the window that hold everything I had imagined. The same goes for my academics, I may not be enjoying what I had promised myself I would, but instead I am finally allowing myself to explore new areas of study. Just like theres no clear divide between a before and after, my expectations have not changed all at once, but rather slowly molded themselves into what they are now. My new expectation is one, for me to live and allow myself to expect, but not be confined to these expectations but rather allow them to grow as I am. That being said, this is my narrative so:

Welcome to College, My Novel.

Against the Pelting of the Rain

Summary/Note 1: One shot, Batjokes fic. Honestly, who hasnt done the whole fighting in the rain and being gay about it scene? But like I really needed to write my perception on how the two interact and how it felt. Enjoy, haha.

Like fire, the feeling was almost comforting against the pelting of rain pouring over Gotham if you ignored the skin burn. There was a bite, a grip and then a swipe of tongues. It was far from soft, far from anything you’d read in books about love and passion—this was raw. It was an experience doused with desperation intermingling with sloppy execution. Like everything else they ever did together, their coupling was fierce. Filled with so much hunger for something neither could put a finger on, they found themselves drowning in each other. 

Even this connection, that lasted for maybe about 6 seconds, still spooled out for an eternity for Batman. His mind, cooking within his skull caused him to panic—caused Bruce to panic. He suddenly felt like his suit and skin were both too tight for his own good. Despite the cold air, and the icy rain he felt like he was running a fever. When he blinked his eyes open after the clown pulled away, he couldn’t tell if the droplets crawling down onto his lashes were sweat or rain. It was like they had forgotten where they were and who they were for a moment. The only thing that romance novels hit on the nose about these sort of things is that time stops. Anything indicating the passing of time seems to be taken from you in that very moment. You can’t feel the rain fall anymore, the sound of police sirens wailing somewhere in the distance dies, and the smoke plumes from neighboring buildings freezes. Alarms ring in Bruce’s ears, giving him the most uncomfortable awakening and in that deafening second of silence he had wound up his arm and shoved it into the Joker’s gut to remind himself that time must pass.

There was a thud, and a skid of shoes followed by an explosive bloom of strangled laughter. Both their breathes were strained or shaking from the excitement and audacity of each other. Batman spat first, more because the ever-rising rage coupled with a headache was beginning to scratch at the back of his mind again, “Why did you do that? That isn’t part of the game.”

Another wheezed laughter from the melting face of the other who had doubled back on his heels, and nursing his stomach, “You—You have been getting increasingly more friendly. Letting me…get so close, leaving so many openings…I was merely being experimental. Im thirsty for new content. You wouldn’t want me to start turning into a wet blanket and using the same old watered down jokes, now would you?”

The clown’s face twisted up into another fit of laughter masking the bruised sides, the throbbing gut, the bloody, cracked nose and a bashed head. The high-pitched squeal of pained enjoyment was choked off when Batman went for his throat. It was easy to shove the laughing clown to the ground of the roof they were on, and much easier to hold him there. Using his full weight, Batman barred down on the other man, pressing his palms and fingers firmly down on the trachea. The Joker tried to wrestle out of his grasp to keep the game exciting. He was fierce in his defense, trying to punch and roll his way out from under the masked vigilante but the grip around his throat was firm even with one hand as the other was raised and swung twice to the side of the Joker’s head. The assault sent his thoughts spinning even though he tried to instinctually blink away the dizziness. The dizziness was such an electrifying feeling, he welcomed it with open arms. The distant feeling of nausea that followed made his day. He wanted so bad for the Bat to swing again.

“If you’re going to do it, do it. Choke up on the bat and swing at me baby.”

He couldn’t see it but he knew that Batman had raised one of his fists for a third. With rain pooling at his eyes, he found it hard to concentrate on anything but the immense taste of copper in his mouth and the warm grip at his throat. The Joker knew he was a few steps from death—the Batman knew it to. Joker invited it in with a loving look and pressed himself up to it like a honeymooner who hadn’t seen their lover all day. The grip tightened around his throat with every shift the clown made yet there was no third swing.

“This has gone too far, Joker. We’ve gone too far!”

The Joker would have rolled his eyes if he didn’t feel like rolling them would send them rolling across the floor of the roof they were currently playing on. He reached up blindly to grab at the forearms of his masked crusader and with some persuasion, pressed them inward so they bucked. If Batman wanted to talk, they would talk but the Joker needed a little bit of breathing room. Batman’s gloved hands withdrew but rested at the lapels of his jacket firmly.

“No no no no no, we were meant to do this forever. We are the game. If you live, I live and the game continues. If you die, I die and the game dies.” It was a condescending and light headed tone he used for words he’s said several times before. It was ridiculous that the Batman made the Joker repeat himself. They had been whittling each other down for so long and yet, it still felt like they were at the start.

Batman’s lungs still burned and his stomach folded in on itself. Sweat, blood, rain and…tears were rivers across his face. He was angry, there was no doubt about that but with the Joker, it was more than just anger. He was filled with a nauseous sense of want, and confusion that shouldn’t exsist. The mere mention of the word ‘forever’ made him almost vomit to. He didn’t want to do this forever because it was wrong. Doing this forever meant more pain, and more death for Gotham. And yet, knowing this, the word ‘forever’ seemed like a guiltful dream come true. Chasing and beating the Joker gave Batman, and Bruce Wayne purpose. The person behind the mask wouldn’t have to find a real meaning behind Bruce Wayne. The person behind the mask can live without ever having to become anything else. They were made and remade for this moment again and again.

They stared, not at each other but past each other into one another’s minds, prying to see what the other was thinking before the clown’s smeared face spoke again, “And you decide now that we’ve gone too far? Oh, darling, there are no safe words when you play with me. So play my game or get off.”

The Joker begun to try forcing his way to sit up, but gloved hands pushed him back down hard. Joker’s body shook and he choked on a gob of blood and spit that was wading across his tongue. That, Joker liked. A giggle sprung from his lungs and he ran excited hands over the fistfuls of fingers and lapel that were on his chest bruising the skin on his heart. Batman’s chest burned like he was swallowing smoke; he was holding his breath this whole time. He couldn’t stand his laugh and just hearing it made his soul want to disappear. He put fingers to Joker’s mouth, roughly trying to squeeze it closed and making every movement painful for the clown.

“Atta boy. You had me scared for a minute that I’d actually have to go and kill you.” He managed through menacing giggles and a stifling hand.

“I’d never give up. The only reason I haven’t killed you yet is because I refuse to let you win. You deserve to be brought down by the very people you despise. There’s nothing more I’d like than to watch you lose because you’re wrong. You’re wrong about everything. About me, about you and about Gotham.” Batman was more trying to convince himself that the Joker was wrong. He had to be wrong. There was no other option.

He was leaning in close so the Joker could see him. He leaned in far so there was no one and nothing that could pry the Joker’s attention away from him. The rain no longer poured onto the madman’s face—he blinked with clarity now that the water wasn’t in his eyes. That’s when the Joker saw it; he saw the boiling rage and passion in the other’s eyes. Oh.

Its irresistible. It happened again for the second time that night; like fire, almost comforting against the pelting of the rain.

Note 2: Batjokes fanfic. Im dipping my feet into the water of making content for the Batman fandom–honestly, Im still very new to the fandom but Im very passionate about the comics and started collecting iconic issues, watching all the movies and getting every ounce of content that I can. I wanted to quickly thank @melamungous because they inspired me a great deal, and was very very helpful in introducing me to a lot of brilliant writers. I really did appreciate your help. And im sorry if the writing is weird or theres mistakes; i just couldnt bare to look at this fic anymore. ; o ; 

Greek Life

Hi guys I’m just starting a Travel blog RIGHT NOW bc I’m studying abroad in Berlin this semester and this past weekend has an INTERESTING weekend in Greece to say the very least and wanted to document this for posterity. Its long but I promise u theres a lot, from concerts to city-wide evacuations.

An important part of context here is that the Patriots just won the Superbowl and some friends from school back in New York were throwing a party and decided to /sarcastically/ name it a Pats Victory celebration and of course, invite all of us abroad kids. Of course I RSVP’d to this party halfway across the world, I’m no stick in the mud. But alas, realistically my roommates and I knew we couldn’t fly back to the states just for one night, as such an endeavor would not even come close to being in our maximum joke budget of $200.

Obviously the next closest thing to celebrating a Patriots win in NYC is going to see the Dropkick Murphy’s live in concert, if not only to hear “Shipping Up To Boston” (which you may not be able to identify by title alone but will certainly be able to identify by the distinguished bagpipe and accordion undertones). And it was just our luck that they happened to be touring in Europe at present, and would be performing in Thessaloniki Greece the following night, and tickets to Thessaloniki were only 50 euro round trip, and we found an Airbnb for $16. It was God’s will for us to see this band, so we booked our tickets for a flight that left in 8 hours.

Maybe this is just a RyanAir thing, or maybe its a European thing, but the most notable aspect of the flight itself were the increasingly bizarre onboard sales. It started normal enough, with croissants and coffee. Then it moved to paninis, somewhat odd for 6 in the morning but hey, to each their own. Then they moved on to perfumes, boasting the lowest prices for designer names on all of european flights, which is a lot of qualifiers that raise suspicion that they may simply be the ONLY European airline that sells discounted designer perfumes. Finally, they started pushing lottery scratch cards on us, which felt shady but maybe Europe or the skies have different gambling laws, I’m no airplane lawyer. But they were REALLY pushing the scratch cards. They even offered a “one time deal” of giving two for the price of one (which was interestingly the exact same deal they offered on the return flight).

After we landed our first real hurdle was trying to get into the city as two American assholes who spoke literally no Greek whatsoever. If you’re thinking of that “It’s all greek to me” joke right now we not only beat you to the punchline but we beat that dead horse innumerable times over the rest of the weekend. Luckily there was a line of cabs outside the airport and I happened to have a screenshot of the location of the house on my phone. I handed it to the driver, he looks at it, shakes his head, takes it from me, looks at it closer, says something in Greek, gets out of the car with it, and walks to the next taxi in line. Soon the ordeal becomes every taxi driver’s business as about five Greek men stand behind this cab arguing over my phone. We just kind of watched them, doe-eyed from the back of the cab, not sure what to do. At the same time, a man behind them carrying a crate of oranges trips and spills the whole crate of oranges out into the street. This has no relevance on anything that happened, it was just some of the funniest imagery we’ve ever seen in real life. Eventually the cabbies sorted it out I guess because we were on our way.

The first thing we noticed about Thessaloniki is that there are stray cats just everywhere. They mind their own business when it comes to humans, but at night you fall asleep to the not-so-distant sound of cats screeching and hissing as they fight with one another in the streets below. The second thing we noticed was that the whole city is a designated smoking area. Maybe I’ve lived a privileged life in the states where indoor smoking has been outlawed for most of my life but I swear I ingested more smoke over those two days in Thessaloniki than I have in my entire life. The third and last thing we noticed was that at literally every restaurant, you got more food than you asked for. And I’m not talking about big portions, I’m talking about a full extra course (usually a dessert or appetizer, but still). The best was the waiter in a relatively empty cafe who spoke very little English and who set down two little pastry/pie/ things for us and explained “Ehh... my grandmother...” It was just disgustingly adorable stuff right there.

Less adorable were the very intimidating punk Greek kids at the concert that night. Theres something about understanding exactly none of what everyone else is saying that makes you feel incredibly vulnerable. Take that situation but add more leather jackets and mohawks and you’ve got yourself a Friday night concert in Greece. We did meet one guy there named Costas (I apologize for spelling errors but I think I’ve already demonstrated my astounding ignorance to Greek culture). He asked where we were from and we told him Boston and New York (Is it condescending that I assume Europeans might not know where Morris County, New Jersey is? Most New Jersey people don’t even know where it is). He responds with a “What the fuck... why are you guys here?” I chose to take Costas’s inquiry literally, and not even bother to venture down the rather existential and metaphorical question of why am I really here? Why are any of us here?

To be fair, I didn’t have a definitive answer to either the metaphorical or literal interpretations.

The concert itself was disappointingly good. When you go to see a band sarcastically you’re ready to stick it out to get a recording of the one song you came there to see, which in our case was “Shipping Up To Boston”. But Dropkick Murphys are surprisingly good live, and have a surprisingly large following in Thessaloniki Greece. We thought everyone there was just college kids that wanted to go to a random concert, but they all knew all the words. Even the people that didn’t speak English.I’m not even sure The Dropkick Murphys could draw a crowd that large in America, even in Boston. 

Some instruments used in their live performances include (but are not limited to): bagpipes, a banjo, an accordion, a flute (played by the same man as the banjo). At one point the audience rushed the stage and all of the girls were all over the banjo/flute guy.

But the most distinct memory I have of this concert is the lead singer yelling “The state of Massachusetts!” before one of the songs and the crowd going absolutely nuts. A whole crowd of 20-something year old Greek kids were losing their minds over the concept of the entire state of Massachusetts as a whole.

On our walk back to the Airbnb after the concert we met a stray dog under a streetlamp who began to walk at our side for several blocks. It felt like we just got a video game sidekick, or that he was giving us directions or something. He was very old and calm and we decided to name him Murphy. After about five blocks Murphy decided we must know where we’re going and just turned around and walked back off into the night. Even though I’ll probably never see him again, I’ll never forget you, Murphy.

We fell asleep to the sound of a cat fight.

We woke to the sound of someone yelling through a megaphone in Greek from probably a few blocks away. I have no idea what this man was yelling about but it sounded like some kind of propaganda or protest. We never actually saw this man though we heard him twice. He only every existed as an angry disembodied voice with some kind of goal.

We got brunch and looked at a bunch of really old buildings. I don’t know what they were because all of the plaques and descriptions were in Greek, but I’m sure they were very important buildings.

The rest of our trip was pretty normal. We had dinner and walked back to the house. We went to bed because we had to get up early to catch a bus to the airport (we got insider info that there was actually a 2 euro bus to the airport from the owner of the Airbnb). 

As I write this I have been back in Berlin for almost 12 hours now and I just saw a BBC article written 10 hours ago with the headline “Greek WW2 bomb deactivated after mass Thessaloniki evacuation”. At this point in bizarre experiences for the trip it seems to be just about par for the course, the cherry on top even. We missed a large scale city evacuation by the thinnest of margins and I honestly don’t know what we would have done if we had been in the city during it. I have class tomorrow. I know travel doesn’t count as an excused absence but what about WWII bomb evacuation absences?

I’m splitting hairs here. The point is, I hope my two wonderful Airbnb renters Otar and Maria, Murphy the stray dog, and our boy Costas are all ok and safe. And I hope that you, dear reader, will some day get to party with the Greeks or at least with the Dropkick Murphys. #KeepThessalonikiWeird.

Exploring the Connections Between Your Intellectual Life and Your Financial Life

This is the third entry in an eight part series exploring the connections between your finances and other areas of your life. A few weeks ago, I started a series exploring the connections between personal finance and the other spheres of my life. The first entry covered the connections between ones physical life and financial life, the second entry covered the connections between ones mental and spiritual life and financial life, and today were looking at ones intellectual life and financial life. As noted in the first entry, I tend to view life as a bunch of spheres, or areas of focus. I really like Michael Hyatts list of nine such spheres: physical, mental/spiritual, intellectual, social, marital, parental, avocational (hobbies), vocational, and financial they cover much of what life is all about. Ive come to view these spheres as deeply interconnected, in that success in one sphere is usually linked in some significant ways to success in other spheres (and failures are similarly connected) and that knowing the connections can help people figure out how to succeed in both areas at once. Today, were going to look at the intellectual sphere. What Is the Intellectual Life? Intellectual life refers to the thoughts, knowledge, ideas, and problem solving that run through your mind. Much of the time, our intellectual life is shallow were thinking about our appointment later today or the game we watched last night. However, when we actually engage with difficult topics and difficult problems that really challenge and push us, we deepen our intellectual life and achieve a better understanding of the world and of ourselves. The benefits of a robust intellectual life are many. The world seems less mysterious. You understand your own viewpoints better and can explain them better. Its easier to hold down conversations on all kinds of topics. Its much easier to solve problems of all kinds. Youre less afraid to tackle projects that you might not fully understand at the start. Not only are those things true, but I find that really stretching ones intellect leads to a flow state where you lose track of time and place and, for me, that is one of the most profound sources of happiness in life. In the modern information economy, a robust intellectual life often helps a person with their career, so there is some overlap with ones professional life. However, our thoughts and ideas stretch far beyond what we do in our careers, so there is only an overlap between ones professional life and ones intellectual life. For me, ones intellectual life comes down to a positive answer to one key question: do I have a robust understanding of the world around me which I can use to solve problems and relate to others? Having a robust intellectual life offers a bunch of financial benefits. First, youre much more likely to be able to find work and to be flexible enough in their work to always find employment. A person with a wide knowledge base and a strong ability to solve problems is generally going to be a valuable asset in most workplaces (provided its combined with reasonable interpersonal skills). Such people are typically able to find high paying jobs, retain them, and easily move to new ones should their situation change. Second, youre more open to taking on intellectually challenging tasks, which can help both professionally and at home. This is why a person with a robust intellectual life usually finds employment with ease theyre able to solve problems and take on challenging tasks. This is also true at home, where the ability to take on difficult tasks (such as home repairs) generally saves quite a lot of money. Third, you have a much wider field of topics to converse about, which makes building professional (and personal) relationships much easier. A person with a healthy intellectual life can carry on a conversation with anyone, finding some sort of common ground for meaningful and worthwhile conversation. This aids greatly in the building of professional and personal relationships. Finally, you have a much greater capacity for analyzing your own financial situation and developing your own solutions and plans. A person who is adept at self-learning and problem solving can typically figure out almost any personal finance situation on their own, come up with a strong solution, and implement that solution. Here are five low cost strategies I use for maintaining and improving my own intellectual life. Strategy #1 Read Genuinely Challenging Things and Work to Understand Them I make it a point to devote at least one solid hour a day to reading something that challenges my mind and forces me to think. This usually forces me to read slowly and consider new ideas carefully. I often take notes as Im reading so I have a track of thoughts to take up later on. I often choose reading that is at least professionally adjacent, meaning that theres at least some connection to the topics I write about, but many of the books I choose have no seeming connection at all to personal finance or personal development. The purpose is to read about something that I dont understand well and to improve my understanding of that topic. This is hard. Its much easier to read a page-turning novel or more material on topics that are very familiar to me. Reading something difficult is mentally taxing and forces me to think in new ways, but thats part of the value of it. Reading is my primary way of absorbing information, but everyone learns in different ways. The key thing is to find an avenue of learning that works for you, then use that avenue to take on things that are difficult for you to understand, but that you can work through if you take it slowly. If you find that watching videos is best for you, dont be afraid to pause videos to look up words or to work out something for yourself. The same is true with audiobooks pause them and think about the material as you go. What topics should you dig into? Dig into ones that youre personally curious about. Dig into topics that people you associate with might know about, so you can converse with them about it. Dig into topics that relate to your career in some fashion. Those three areas alone should provide a wealth of ideas. How do you know what to read? Try reading something thats difficult but not impossible to understand. You should be stopping regularly to consider new ideas or to look up words, but it shouldnt be overwhelming. If youre completely lost, look for a simpler book or video or other material to start with; theres nothing wrong with starting with a very introductory book. Strategy #2 Explain Things You Think You Understand to a Novice When you think you understand an idea thoroughly, try explaining it to an eight year old. This might seem like a strange way to enhance your intellectual life, but hear me out. If you can explain an idea to an eight year old, it likely means that you have a thorough understanding of the topic. If you cant explain it well without relying on shorthand concepts or ideas or words that an eight year old wouldnt understand, your own understanding is probably somewhat limited. The approach I like to use is this: after I read a chapter or a section in a hard book, I let that section float around in my head for a while, then I try to summarize it out of my head in my own words in the simplest language I can while still making it clear. If I find that I cant do this well, then I know I need to back up (and backing up to read something again is fine). This actual process is hard, and doing this makes me appreciate the task that elementary school teachers have when theyre explaining a new idea to an elementary aged student. You simply have to know an idea very well to be able to explain it to a child. Strategy #3 Engage in Difficult Puzzles and Games Games and puzzles are powerful ways to encourage intellectual growth. They help with logic. They help with interpreting situations. They help with coming up with strategies and plans. They help you deal with plans that are undone. They can help with skills like negotiation and trading. Plus, they can often be purely fun. There are an infinite variety of games and puzzles out there. Puzzles dont begin and end with mazes and crossword puzzles and word finds and Sudoku. Games dont begin and end with Fortnite and chess. There are an infinite variety of both and theyre well worth exploring, because they scratch all kinds of different intellectual and thematic itches. If you want to try out a variety of puzzles, look at acrostic puzzles, logic puzzles, or cryptic crosswords. Try taking on chess problems or go problems. If you want to try out a variety of games, dont just turn to your smartphone or a computer or video game console; look for a community board game night and go with an open mind, or check out a chess club. The goal is to find something that makes you think in a pleasurable way, where youre figuring out a solution or evaluating odds and coming up with strategies and plans, but having fun doing it. Any game or puzzle that does that is well worth incorporating into your regular life. Strategy #4 Take on Think-y Projects and Challenges That Are Just Beyond What You Think You Can Do One of the best things you can do to stimulate your intellectual life is to take on a challenge thats just a little bit beyond what you think you can handle. Often, you dont know exactly how to get to the end product you want, but you feel like the steps should be something you can figure out. This usually requires a burst of self-learning followed by trying out different techniques youve never done before (and often an alternation between the two), coupled with some careful thought and planning about how to proceed. Often, such a project results in going into a flow state, which is a state in which youre so engaged with a project that you lose track of time and place and are simply absorbed into the task. For me, this is one of lifes peak experiences, and I most frequently attain it when I engage with a challenging project that demands my full thinking and focus. Want some examples? Home repair projects are often like this, especially when the project is complex enough that youre not quite sure how to do it. Computer programming tasks are often like this. Really complex meal preparation can be like this. So, if you want to try this, take on a home improvement project that seems simple but you dont know how to do it. Figure out how to do it by watching videos. Make a meal or a food item that you dont immediately know how to make. Figure out how to do it, then do it. Push yourself a little bit beyond what you think you can do. Strategy #5 Have a Deep Conversation with Someone Where Youre Willing To Have Your Ideas Challenged and Changed This is another powerful way to really stretch your thinking capacity in a fun way, but it requires a few things to be true. First, everyone participating has to be willing to not hold onto a particular viewpoint with emotion, because when emotion gets involved, youre no longer trying to understand, but trying to win by any means necessary. Second, you need to be discussing an issue with someone who has at least somewhat different knowledge and understanding of an issue than you, although you are bringing some knowledge and understanding of your own. Third, everyone involved must be willing and able to keep their emotions in check. Finally, everyone involved must be willing to question their own viewpoints seriously. If you have all of those elements in place, sit down with those people and simply talk through whatever it is youre curious about. Try to understand all sides, and do that by giving a good faith argument on behalf of that viewpoint, even if none of you agree with it. Be willing to hear criticism of the ideas you support without getting angry or defensive about it. Remember, the goal is for everyone to understand all sides better. Again, this is often very challenging. It forces you to look at a complex matter from a lot of angles, with people sharing perspectives and often introducing angles you havent thought of before. It absolutely requires respect and a lack of defensiveness about ideas, but if you can get past that, such conversations can be deeply enlightening. I usually find that when I have conversations like this, I end up with more respect for the other viewpoints on an issue or an idea than I had before I started. Furthermore, doing it once makes it easier to do in the future, and youll often reach a point where you start trying to understand other sides of issues in a genuine way even without having such conversations. The key is to put forth genuine effort to understand other perspectives without just locking down and being defensive. As a further benefit, I often find that this is a great way to build a social bond with someone. If you can have this kind of conversation successfully with someone, you end up bonding with them. Final Thoughts Making room in your life for deep stimulation of your mind plays a powerful role in improving your problem solving skills, which applies powerfully to your professional and financial spheres, as well as to many other areas of your life. If I can suggest one single thing, its that you take some time each day to either read a book or watch a video or listen to an audiobook on a topic you dont understand well but you wish to, and focus on that material with intensity. Block off that time and make it a scheduled event that cant be broken unless absolutely necessary. Youll find that the benefits from doing this go far beyond just understanding a new idea or two. Good luck! https://www.thesimpledollar.com/exploring-the-connections-between-your-intellectual-life-and-your-financial-life/

Classic Review: WrestleMania 20

Its been awhile since the last time I posted, I'm sorry for that. I've been sidetracked with finding work and lame adult stuff like that but I'm back now with this review, a fastlane prediction post sometime next week and I'm sure I'll have another review up sometime next week as well. This WrestleMania is one of my personal favorites, it's not like this is a fantastic wrestling show from start to finish but this has so many great "wrestlemania moments" that make me feel nostalgic with the ruthless aggression era being my favorite era in the companies history.

Big Show (C) vs. John Cena

The crowd was super hot for Cena during his run with the rapper gimmick and during this time is probably the peak of that heat. The match wasn't anything incredible but we got a pretty neat Cena promo before the match started to get the crowd hyped so at least there was that. This match was just mostly Big Show flexing his strength throwing Cena around and overpowering him. The end comes when the referee has his back turned, Cena hits Show with brass knucks then hits him with an FU and picks up the win. This was the first wrestlemania where Cena had a match and in his Mania match debut he picks up the United States championship.

Booker T & RVD (C) vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak vs. La Résistance

An underlying theme of this show was overbooking multi man matches for the sake of getting as many people booked on a wrestlemania card as possible. I couldn't tell you one memorable thing Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak ever did as a team and I totally forgot RVD and Booker T ever being a tag team until I rewatched this show. I dont mind multi man matches if everyone can really participate and it still be entertaining, I'll never complain about something being entertaining no matter the circumstances, but that wasn't the case. In an overall uneventful match Booker T & RVD win, retaining their tag team titles.

Christian vs. Chris Jericho

It took until the third match on the card but we got a really solid match. Also a slight side note, this event Jericho wears one of my favorite wrestling attires ever so if 2k wants to sell copies of their next game definitely make this attire Chris Jericho (Retro) attire or a side attire. But, I really enjoyed this match, but this is nothing new since Jericho and Christian would feud for a little while after this and they would continue to have some entertaining matches. Trish would end up making an interference but she doesn't really come in play until after the match. Christian ends up getting the win tonight and Trish turns heel by smacking Jericho twice and follows Christian up the ramp and laying on a French kiss on him.

Randy Orton, Batista & Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley & The Rock

This was a pretty "middle of the road" kind of match for me. It wasn't boring but I wasn't overly entertained, it's like they did just enough to keep my attention. The evolution squad of Orton, Batista and Flair get the win tonight which is odd since they got the Rock back just for this match. If they did this match today, it would be a no brainer that Foley and Rock would win. Part timers at Mania almost never lose especially since the feud would continue to the next pay per view. The main feud going into this match was Foley vs. Orton by the way. Looking forward, a loss tonight and a loss at Backlash the next month made Orton look great but it didn't really do much to make Foley look like a real threat.

Torrie Wilson & Sable vs. Miss Jackie & Stacy Keibler

(Playboy Evening Gown Match)

This match was a perfect example of the relationship between WWE and its female talent at the time. A tag team match between four half naked woman (hence the evening gown stipulation) and the match (from bell to bell) was under 3 minutes. As a male it intrigues me but as a wrestling fan it disgusts me. Its like fighting with myself to determine if I enjoyed what I was seeing or not. This match was a result of all these woman wanting to be that months cover of playboy, Torrie and Sable got the cover and Jackie & Stacy didn't so they were upset and had a match. Torrie and Sable ended up getting the win here but this feud was over two woman being upset because they didn't get to pose naked for a magazine sooooo.

Chavo Guerrero (C) vs. Akio vs. Jamie Noble vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Ultimo Dragon vs. Billy Kidman vs. Funaki vs. Nunzio vs. Shannon Moore vs. Tajiri

If it seems like theres too many people in this match, it's because there is too many people involved in this match. This was like a gauntlet match, it started with two people in the ring and when someone got pinned, they would go to the back and the next superstar would come in. The twist here is that the superstars wouldn't run to the ring when it was their time to come out because while two superstars were competing the other superstars were surrounding the ring like a lumberjack match. They mentioned on commentary that this was supposed to be a one on one between Chavo and Rey but because of unexplained reasons eight other people were added to the match. No two competitors went at it for more than five minutes anyway so I'm convinced a one on one match would have been infinitely more entertaining especially since the last two superstars in this match ended up being Chavo and Rey anyway. Chavo ended up winning due to interference by his dad (Chavo Classic) and he retains his cruiserweight championship.

Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar

(Special Referee - Stone Cold Steve Austin)

This match is one reason why this wrestlemania is remembered. That's only because of how uneventful and disappointing this match was. Word got out that both of these guys would be leaving WWE after this show and the crowd let them hear their disappointment. Brock was leaving to pursue a career with the NFL and I dont remember why Goldberg decided to leave but its possible that he just wanted to step away from the wrestling business for awhile. This match was pretty much these two staring at each other from across the ring and putting each other in rest holds the whole time. Goldberg ended up picking up the victory and Lesnar gave double middle fingers to the crowd. The most entertaining part of this match was Steve Austin delivering stunner to both men, what a way to send both guys out.

Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty (C) vs. The APA vs. The Bashams vs. The Worlds Greatest Tag Team

Just like with Raws tag team title match we've got SmackDown doing the same exact thing with their tag team title match. I will say this match was better than the previous tag team fatal four way we saw earlier in the night and it was shorter. Everyone got their stuff in and it was faster paced because it didn't get as much time. It wasn't overly entertaining but it was serviceable. I absolutely love the tag team of Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas so seeing them lose was a bit of a disappointment because they're both legitimately great workers and it would've done great for them and the image of the titles. However Rikishi and Scotty ended up winning and retaining here tonight. The crowd didn't react much but I can only assume at this point they're burnt out on all the multi man matches plus this match had to follow Brock and Goldberg.

Victoria (C) vs. Molly Holly

(If Molly loses she must have her head shaved bald)

At least this show had a womans title match is about all I can say. I didn't hate this match, it just didn't do anything for me. Which is a perfect summary of every womans match during the ruthless aggression era, I think. I like Victoria, I think she was one of the few female talents in WWE at this time who had an entertaining character and could also carry someone to at least a mediocre match. This match was close to seven minutes in length which is pretty generous for womans match around this time. Victoria picked up the win here, retaining her title and shaving Molly's head at the top of the stage.

Eddie Guerrero (C) vs. Kurt Angle

Its been awhile but we finally get a super entertaining wrestling match on the show but with Eddie and Kurt you've just gotta know that you're gonna see something special. Two guys who really have a love for what they do and a willingness to always push the limits to put on a great match. I dont think this is even they best match they've had, I've seen some old SmackDown shows were I think they've had better matches but I for sure dont wanna take anything away from this match, this was awesome. Eddie ends up retaining after slipping out of his boot when Kurt had the angle lock locked in and off the distraction Eddie got the win. Its matches and superstars like this that made the ruthless aggression era so special to me, not even the era, its performances like this and so many more during this time that made me make a special place in my heart for wrestling/WWE and it's why I dont think I'll ever have it in me to just give up on wrestling.

The Undertaker vs. Kane

This match was short but entertaining. This was a wrestlemania undertaker match that went under ten minutes so that came as a bit of a shock, especially against Kane with the history they have. No "mind blowing" or overly entertaining moments but it was straight and to the point and because of that I can appreciate it for what it was. Undertaker got the win over Kane setting his wrestlemania record to 12-0 at the time.

Triple H (C) vs. Chris Benoit vs. Shawn Michaels

This match was the whole reason why I even thought of reviewing this show. Just so I could watch this match. These three guys bring such a different style to the match that when thrown together you knew you were going to get something entertaining. The great heel work of Triple H, the exciting offense of Shawn Michaels and the technical wrestling ability of Benoit. Some would argue that a one on one between Shawn and Triple H would've been a great, and a more deserving way, to main event a wrestlemania but Chris Benoit was incredibly over with the crowd at the time and he had the skill to back up the hype, Benoit wasn't going to be denied. I really feel like these three gave everything they had in this match and it resulted in one of the more memorable wrestlemania moments/matches of all time. WWE would never acknowledge this matches existence, and for good reason I suppose, its just a huge shame that the actions of one man under the influence of performance enhancing substances will forever wipe this match off the record books in the eyes of the WWE. Chris Benoit picked up the win tonight and won his first World Heavyweight championship and he even made Triple H tap out to do it. Yes, Triple H tapped out to Chris Benoit. Say what you will about Triple H but I'll always feel like he always had what's best for the business as a priority over his own personal gain. When Triple H knew a superstars popularity and skill was too much too be denied he didn't mind doing "The job". That was the case in this match. Triple H did the honor of putting over Benoit. It's not like he was going out on injury, he wasn't leaving for any reason, flat out, he did the job and put over the popular, deserving talent. What really made this a wrestlemania moment was Eddie Guerrero meeting Benoit in the middle of the ring after the match and celebrating with him. Eddie retaining his title earlier and Benoit winning his first World title with the confetti falling from the sky, it couldn't have been booked any better, a true feel good moment between two of the greatest wrestlers ever. Unfortunately both men passed away way before their time but with moments like this they'll live forever. I'm glad I got to grow up with this. WWE loves to market a wrestlemania moment nowadays, well for me, it doesn't get better than this. A genuine moment that the fans loved. It's crazy that a scripted event can cause some of the most real emotion a fan can feel.

Pros: Christian vs. Chris Jericho, Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle, Benoit vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H

Cons: Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg, too many multi man/team matches

I know this show isn't a complete wrestling masterpiece but ultimately what I ask for out of a wrestlemania is the major championship matches to be entertaining and for the show to end on a positive note, and in my opinion, this show succeeds in doing that. Multi man/team matches were a bit annoying and the female talent didn't get the love or appreciation it should've had from the start but I grew up in a time where that was just the norm, all I can do is just appreciate that its different today. In my opinion this wrestlemania had the best end in the wrestlemania history and when it came to Eddie and Benoit I really felt like I was watching two guys live out their dream and as a wrestling fan theres no better feeling than knowing your favorite wrestlers are living out their dream and having a great time doing it.

3/5

The Evaluators: To Trade With Aliens, You Must Accommodate

CogNet init: Paul SRINIVASAN

Recip: Thandiwe SOLOMON

Datime: 2206.12.15.16: 45

[ Optimized by CogNet !]

Thandi, the commission on human rights referendums Tuesday. The teams disappearance isnt the main issue, but I dont like how theyre hasten this. Facilitate me out here, OK? Off the record.

Thread reply from Thandiwe SOLOMON

So tell me how that billable hours thought works for you lawyers. Because I might, I dont know, actually have a chore of my own.

Thread reply from Paul SRINIVASAN

Please! [ Conceptual embed with caption: man bowing with sides pressed together] What do you want? Dinner? Vacation? Hours of mind-bending sex? Because I would do that for you, Thandi. No relinquish is too great.

Thread reply from Thandiwe SOLOMON

You already told me you let your Spermicept patch expire. Stand the blaze away from me. What happened to Weis personal logs?

Thread reply from Paul SRINIVASAN

Gremlins? The slowdown is reasonably severe for this missiontwo years. Not enough black hole for a better communicate, or something like that. Ill see if I can find them. So, they snack her, right? They absolutely ate her.

Thread reply from Thandiwe SOLOMON

No. I dont think they devour her.

Recall transcript, WEI Aihua

Meeting with neighbourhood Influential 1

Datime 2204.1.22.10: 10

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ All sensory recall except auditory muffled to aid lightstreaming .]

So what would you like to know, evaluator?

Tell me more of your parties, Adoration China.

If you dont mind, would you call me Aihua, delight?

Oh? Your aide be pointed out that your figures sometimes have meaning.

Yes, but [ laughter] That doesnt mean we like those meanings.

N. K. Jemisin

About

N. K. Jemisins speculative fiction has been nominated for the Hugo, the Nebula, and the World Fantasy Award. The first book in her Broken Earth trilogy, The Fifth Season, won the 2016 Hugo Award for Best Novel . The Stone Sky, the third largest notebook in the serial, comes out this August .

Ah. Please forgive, Aihua. Your expression still confuses.

Im stunned by your facility with my own language, actually.

We become aware of First Contact team.

Yes, but weve had just as much time to learn your language, and well. [ WEI caption: Here I attempt to speak in Manka C. The Manka word for modification translates inadequately. Its implication is more like submission? fitness ?] We am still terrifying/ poor at adaptation.

[ RATCHETING SOUND. WEI CAPTION: MANKA LAUGHTER. THANKFULLY HE RETURNS THE CONVERSATION TO ENGLISH .] It is true, you do not adapt quick as we. But that is expected. You are not evaluators.

Ah, yes. Since you mentioned that, if I may askwhat exactly is your role? Ive asked Hashish, the nurturer whos been evidencing me around, but it was unclear.

I am evaluator.

But what does that intend? What do you assess?

Everything. Parties. World.

For what purpose?

[ SILENCE FOR 2.5 SECONDS] I do not understand, Aihua.

On my world, beings evaluate procedures, achievements. For the purpose of improving them.

Yes. Improvement. Adaptation. Same with us.

I see?

You do not.

Sorry, I

It takes time for beings so different to accommodate. You do well. No is necessary to fear.

Thank you. Ouch!

The shells of [ RECALL BLUR. WEI CAPTION: LOCAL DELICACY, UNPRONOUNCEABLE] are sharp. You are disabled? Shall I summon humans?

No, Im fine, itll stop in a minute. Could you give me something toyes, thank you. Most of your biologicals are innocuous to us, and vice versa. I just hate that Im bleeding on this lovely cloth.

It is unimportant. More?

Yes, delight, its yummy. Youre an good cook.

[ Auditory recall ends. Interpret gustatory reminisce, 2204.1.22.10: 15, for renewal .]

Team Clog of TE Mission, Dar-Mankana

Post by WEI AihuaPublic

Datime 2204.1.20.19: 30

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

My first professor in sapio told me never to Earthropomorphize xenospecies, but the first thing that leapt into my thought when I met them was that the Manka look like upright cheetahs( cheetae ?). Males and females are indistinguishable to my attentions, lean and deep-chested, while nurturers, the third largest fornication, are noticeably more muscular and squarely improved. I pride myself in that my subconscious at least selected a predatory Earth analogue, which should deter me from loosening my protect too much.

Comment from WANG

Its simply cheetahs. And you have three PhDs?

Comment from WEI

None of them are in linguistics, OK? Shut up.

Tomer Hanuka

Team Clog of TE MissionDar-Mankana

Post by WEI AihuaTeamlock

Datime 2204.1.23.11: 50

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

I could KILL Rafkind and the whole First Contact team! What Neanderthal decided to tell the Manka about Christianity? This is exactly why the UC censored Americans from TE teams.

Fortunately, the district potentate seemed more entertained than anything by the idea of one mans demise absolving the incorrects of an entire species. Just one? Cute.

Now Im wondering what else FC screwed up.

FC Report Detail p. 67: Culture Notes

Datime: 2201.4.7.14: 40

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ Auditory embed with caption: Manka adoration chant? Recallers: Multiple; public action .]

My love sings behind me

And touches the nape of my neck

I do not look around

My heart flappings fast with fear.

FC Report Detail p. 224: Culture Notes

Recall by First Contact Team Member John RAFKIND

Datime: 2201.5.13.9: 24

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ Auditory embed with caption: Observed class 2 Deceptive ideation .]

Whoa.

Whoa?

Apologies. A colloquialism.

Ah. We must learn more of your world so that we may adapt to these colloquialisms.

That would certainly be possible after Trade Establishment, Hashish.

Why did you express a colloquialism, John?

Uh, well the male Manka walking by with that group of children. For some reason, when he look back me, I got the creeer, I find uneasy.

That was an evaluator.

An evaluator of what?

[ RaTcheting sound. RAFKIND caption: I think that was a laugh ?] Many things, at many times. For now, those children.

Were all six of those the evaluators juveniles?

There were three children, John.

Three? I didnt get a good review, but Im sure I appreciated more.

There were three children.

[ Recall ends .]

Team Clog of TE MissionDar-Mankana

Post by Angela WHETONPublic

Datime 2204.1.24.12: 40

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

Did some additional examines of the southeast central continent today. Those palladium sediments Have you guys heard the stock tolls since the CogNet-Pallenergy merger? My God, I might actually get out of student loan debt before I die.

Also noticed an rare concentration of calcium in various accumulations around the city. Hector proceeded with one of the locals to check out a nearby locate and was shown an open-pit tomb. [ VISUAL OVERRIDE EMBED WITH CAPTION: LONG, ORDERLY ROWS OF SEVERAL HUNDRED CLEAN, POLISHED BONES, ORGANIZED BY TYPE .] Each pit is several hundred hoofs deep, bones layered with dirt. Local announced bones the price paid. Ritual? Tag for sapiology review.

OhHector has asked me to note for government officials team log his hypothesis that the burial pits are f__ing creepy-crawly. So noted.

Recall transcript, WEI Aihua

Meeting with local Influential 2

Datime 2204.1.24.13: 10

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ All sensory recall except auditory smothered to aid lightstreaming .]

Forgive me for staring, evaluator. Its only that you gaze so different.

I have strained greatly to adapt because we last fit. Does my form satisfy you?

I dont certainly know what to become of it. You ogle

More like you.

Yes.

This distres you.

Surprises me, evaluator. On my planet “theres” souls that can change their coloration to blend in with the environment, but [ Visual override embed with WEI caption: The evaluators face. Memo the abbreviate of the muzzle and repositioning of the ears, at slopes of the foreman rather than the top .]

It has been difficult, yes. Your beings are strangely configured. Even more strange, inside.

How do you

Your bloods preference is most amusing. [ Pause] I have no goal of devouring you, Aihua.

[ Laughter] Uh, sorry. On my nature well. Our recreation are a lot of unnerving men that want to gobble us down.

Entertainment? But your parties are apex predators, are you not?

I suppose we are. Huh. Maybe thats why the notion of being preyed upon doesnt actually scare us.

[ Series of harsh exhalations. WEI caption: The evaluator believe that there is imitating human laugh .] Yes , no is necessary to fright! Tell me, Aihua. Why do you not have offsprings?

What?

Why do you

Sorry, I discover. The topic justits not something my people frequently ask in casual conversation.

I shall remember and accommodate. For now, will you refute?

Well, we have a problem with overpopulation and its effects: crowding, homelessness, famine, worse. Were redressing now, but their own problems took a long time to develop, it was therefore will take a long time to resolve.

And in the meantime, your it is necessary to simply lose?

Unfortunately, yes. It helps that weve modelled the Trade Network with other sapient species. That increases the resources available on my planet.

But with greater resources, your digits will continue to grow. Theres nothing to shape you stop.

We have our own sapience, which tells us that such rise is unsustainable. Because of this, only some of my beings choose to replicate. Im one of the ones who chose not to.

I see. But if sustainable growth was possible?

Maybe Id have a child. Perhaps. But it isnt possible, so no minors for me. [ Sigh] Now. Not to change the subject, but Ive accompanied some delicacies from my own world-wide to share

Good. I am most interested in eating some of your worlds revels. And if I may say, Aihua, the gleam of your hair is very fine today.

[ Recall ends .]

US NATIONAL EXOPLANETARY SURVEYMEMORANDUM

Levl: Official

Prio: Medium

Init: Salim GILBERTO, FC Team Biological Surveyor

Datime: 2201.11.13.03: 00

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

Esteemed Survey members, colleagues, and sidekicks TAGEND

You will see from my FC report that Dar-Mankana is home to a plethora of speciessubstantially more than our own, which has yet to recover from the arrival of the Anthropocene. But a merely 2 million years ago, Dar-Mankana hosted three times more species than at present.

What could trigger such a destruction? Evidence indicates an interference in several key food webs: a polyphagous piranha which ate its road through tertiary and secondary consumers with such abandon that it likely justification its own extinction. Superpredators may be pop-science clickbait, but Dar-Mankana could represent our closest brush with one of these evolutionary bogeymen. The lingering damage is still perceptible: a relative dearth of megafauna, skewed predator-to-prey rates, insufficient biomass all around for the power that this planet creates.

Further pre-TE study is strongly recommended.

FC Report Excerpt, p. 530: Xenological notes

Datime: 2201.7.7.6: 32

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ Some data loss has come; recompilation possible in approximately 127 daytimes .]

[ Buffering] compare to Dr. Gilbertos assertions.

The crater is smallless than half the size of Earths Chicxulub crater, which is widely believed to have triggered the extinction of the dinosaurs. While surely large enough to crusade catastrophic neighbourhood shatter, this cannot explain the mass extinction.

Core samples from the ocean floor discover an abundance of palladium and [ Buffering]

Team Clog of TE MissionDar-Mankana

Post by Hector PRINCIPETeamlock

Datime 2204.1.25.06: 30

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

Sorry if the committee is blurry. Cant sleep. Theory occasion!

Why arent there more Manka? Theyre ripe for Sagans technological adolescence. Weve seen this on so many planets that its practically a law of nature; there is a requirement to erupting at the seams, same as us. But the Manka are precise the right population size for their societys resources. Nobodys thirsty. No idle youth. Plenty for all.

So. Unobserved social self-restraints? The Kama Rhythm Method Sutra? Histocompatibility crisis?

Comment from WEI

Maybe theyve already been through the tech teenages. Gilbertos extinction?

Comment from PRINCIPE

Two million years ago was tech infancy. Or pre-partum: The Manka precursors perhaps werent even tool-users.

Comment from WHETON

Off topic but you know what I obstruct “ve been thinking about”?( Cant sleep either .) The building. Four steeples on every important build. Four lobes to every artistic motif. They got six fingers. Three copulations. WTF is with the veneration of four? Whats their math?

Comment from WANG

Base-8. Ache in the ass; had to recalculate all the potential royalties in the two reports. But yeah, another difference on four. Shit, I cant do possibility at oh dark thirty. Sleep, you apes.

CogNet init: Thandiwe SOLOMON

Recip: WU Li Bai

Transl: English-Cantonese

Datime: 2206.12.16.20: 02

Respectful accosts, Dr. Wu. My appoint is Thandiwe Solomon, with the Extrasolar Sapience department of Rhodes University. I was plotted by your position paper in The Journal for the Study of Applied Sapiology . As someone whos been in the field and discovered how easy it to be able to move blunders, I concur wholeheartedly with your recommendation for a minimum 10 -year survey between First Contact and Trade Establishment.

Sir, it is my understanding that you two are Wei Aihuas mentor during her postdoctorate. Have you been received information on her recent operation?

Thread reply from WU Li Bai

Indeed I have, Dr. Solomonand so must you have been, if youre asking me. I suppose your UC permission is still active?

Thread reply from Thandiwe SOLOMON

It is, sir. Though in the interest of full disclosure, my tier is exclusively Secret.

Thread reply from WU Li Bai

I shall tailor my responses accordingly. What is your wonder?

Thread reply from Thandiwe SOLOMON

Was Dr. Wei lonely?

Recall transcript, WEI Aihua

Meeting with local Influential 5

Datime 2204.1.26.10: 30

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ All sensory recall except auditory quelled to aid lightstreaming .]

And then the old person answered, Why is it always the intellectuals? [ Laughter]

[ Laughter. WEI caption: the evaluators laughter reverberates entirely human now. See accent reduction too .] The narrations of your beings are so amusing.

My grandmother will be pleased to hear that.

Grandmother?

Female parent of my mother. [ sigh] She may be dead by the time I get back. I dont know whether to hope for that or not.

Oh?

Ive been croaked five years old. She has cancera disease, untreatable in her client. That necessitates a slow, agonizing death. My parents are taking care of her, but

Your parties have just been males and females. These take over the nurturer persona?

Well, its not quite as binary as that, but … When necessary, yes.

And no one fulfills the evaluator role? Your poor grandmother.

Well, Im not sure [ delay] Oh my God.

Are you praying?

No, justthat was amaze. Youre another sex . Like male, like female, like the nurturers. The FC team got it completely wrong. Four fornications , not three!

Yes, those humen were very slow be adjusted to Dar-Mankana. You are much more fit and clever.

Evaluator, I must confer with my parties. But ah may I return to speak with you again tomorrow?

That would give me great pleasure, Aihua.

CogNet init: Hector PRINCIPE

Recip: Angela WHETON

Priority: URGENT

Datime: 2204.1.31.04: 00

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ Sensory remembrance retained per URGENT protocol. Additional lightstream slowdown +185 dates .]

Angela. [ ping] Angela. Damn it, wake the fuck up! And pass this on to Aihua. Fucking – god, delight pass this on to Aihua.

OK. Clear contemplates. OK. I went back to the burial site. Somethings been bothering me. This time I realise what it was.

Most of the bones are small. Childrens bones.

Theory time. Lets say your species is threatened by an enemy so insidious that all the usual existence proficiencies are unproductive against it. Its an foe that they are able camouflage itself enough to get really close during hunting. Maybe it can clown you even up close. What if simply specializing a full-time protection for the weakest members of your species, a nurturer , gives your parties any hope of survival against an opponent like that? And what if even that doesnt stop it? What if, in the end, you cant beat them, so you join them?

Aihua said the evaluators appearance was changing. Im approximating evaluators replace the male or female in reproductionnot all the time, just enough to continue themselves. Theyre not really male or female, though, because theyre fucking shapeshifters! Real Manka males and females are like us. The nurturers raiseand guardthe offspring until theyre age-old enough to show their real potential. Guess what happens then?

They go to the evaluators. Some “of childrens rights”, the healthiest and the most adaptable, get to live. Only them, though. The restalong with perhaps the old-time, the sickare the toll the Manka pay for their prosperity.

Gilbertos superpredators, Angela. Aihuas been having dinner with one each night for the past week.

PANet init: Paul SRINIVASAN

Recip: Thandiwe SOLOMON

Datime: 2206.12.18.06: 10

Ow. Public access streaming hurts my mentality, literally. Anyway, that sidekick of mine who works for CogNet-Pallenergy? Located out Wei Aihuas personal logs did get lightstreamed. Somebody prescribed them deleted.

Same person also slapped a bunch of restrictions on the TE SurveySat maps that Angela Wheton sent back. I cant get through these limitations, but I would guess they discover the extent and site of those palladium lodges she mentioned. Thats why approving is being fast-trackedUCs going a lot of distres from Large-hearted Fusion.

Thread reply: Thandiwe SOLOMON

Are you kidding me? Did the UC pay attention to anything else in the damned dossier? Do they recognize Wei Aihua likely isnt dead?

Thread reply: Paul SRINIVASAN

Its been three years since the TE ship blew up. Wheres she been all this time, if shes still alive?

Thread reply: Thandiwe SOLOMON

I dont know, but three years is slew of time for Stockholm syndrome to set in. Especially if her captors become more and more human, and likable, and attractive

Thread reply: Paul SRINIVASAN

No. Theyre a different species , Thandi.

Thread reply: Thandiwe SOLOMON

The Manka are a different species. The evaluators are whatever the hell they want to be. Human, if they want to be! You have to ask UC Command to quarantine Dar-Mankana.

Thread reply: Paul SRINIVASAN

If there were any survivors of the TE team, that would filament them.

Thread reply: Thandiwe SOLOMON

Yes. Especially in case there is survivors.

UC Trade Establishment Commission

Excerpt, Letter to the leaders of Dar-Mankana

Datime: 2206.12.20.15: 45

[ Lightstream-optimized by UCNet]

The United Communities of Earth also extend their heartfelt gratitude to the people of Dar-Mankana for their care of Dr. Wei in her days as the sole survivor of the TE ship explosion. Despite her eventual extinction in childbirth, your peoples valiant efforts to save her and her newborn are to be commended. An endowed resources of the fund has been established in the name of Dr. Wei, Specialist Principe, and the entire TE team. The child born from their duty shall be welcomed home, desired, and honored as the heir to a heroic legacy.

In peace and hope, we look forward to our reciprocal future of boom.

The Fiction Issue

Tales From an Uncertain Future

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Passion is overrated 7 habits that you need instead

Image: Shutterstock / ChingChing

Its common wisdom. Near gospel really, and not just among young people and founders. Across generational lines, sentiments like those from Steve Jobs 2005 commencement at Stanford have been engraved into our collective consciousness:

The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.

In other words, follow your passion. Theres just one problem: Follow your passion is dangerous advice.

Thats a troubling claim, but it comes straight from Cal Newports investigation into the details of how passionate people like Steve Jobs really got started as well as what scientists say predicts happiness and fuels great accomplishment.

Newports not alone. In recent years, a host of leaders, academics, and entrepreneurs have all come to the same startling conclusion: nearly everything youve been told about following your passion is wrong.

Here are seven habits you need instead.

1. Not passion, purpose

Ryan Holiday, author of Ego Is the Enemy:

Your passion may be the very thing holding you back from power or influence or accomplishment. Because just as often, we fail with no, because of passion. [P]urpose deemphasizes the I. Purpose is about pursuing something outside yourself as opposed to pleasuring yourself.

Until about a century ago, passion was a dirty word. Classical philosopher like Socrates and Marcus Aurelius saw passion as a liability not an asset: an insatiable and destructive force. Why?

Chiefly because passion is dangerously self-centered. In fact, our own modern descriptions of passion betray this inward bend: I want to [blank]. I need to [blank]. I have to [blank]. In most cases, whatever word finishes those sentences regardless of how well meaning it might be is overshadowed by the first.

Purpose, on the other hand, is about them, not me. It reorients our focus onto the people and causes were trying to reach, serve, help, and love. In The Happiness Hypothesis, psychologist Jonathan Haidt describes this pursuit as a striving to get the right relationships between yourself and others, between yourself and your work, and between yourself and something larger than yourself. If you get these relationships right, a sense of purpose and meaning will emerge.

Passion makes us bigger. Purpose connects us to something bigger and in doing so makes us right sized.

2. Not passion, picking

Shaa Wasmund, author of Stop Talking, Start Doing:

No is a far more powerful word than Yes. Every Yes said out of obligation or fear takes time away from the things and people we love. When an opportunity appears connected with your passion, its even trickier. Instead of snatching up everything that might get your closer to the life you want, give yourself the space to pick carefully.

Good is the enemy of great. Thats how Jim Collins put it anyway. Learning to say No is easily one of the most vital skills we can cultivate. And yet, even if youve mastered No to the obvious stuff, passion rears its head.

The blinding effect of passion leads us unthinkingly into projects and meetings that, in truth, are dead ends. Worse, they sap time and energy that would otherwise move us forward. When Tim Ferriss asked journalist Kara Swisher what message shed put on a billboard for millions to see, her answer was a single word, Stop.

And thats what picking is all about: slow down, pause, evaluate, weigh, and only then make a clear-headed choice. Picking involves, first, putting a time buffer on our decisions, particularly decisions that appear connected with your passion. Second, running our choices by an objective third party: a friend or colleague who can call out our blind spots.

Sleep on it. Reach out. The sun will rise tomorrow. And be ruthless with your Nos.

3. Not passion, practice

Angela Duckworth, author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance:

After youve discovered and developed interest in a particular area, you must devote yourself to the sort of focused, full-hearted, challenge-exceeding-skill practice that leads to mastery. You must zero in on your weaknesses, and you must do so over and over again, for hours a day, week after month after year.

We all love shortcuts. The allure of getting more by doing less is seductive. But are there times when doing more equals more? Absolutely.

The classic illustration comes from David Bayles and Ted Orlands Art and Fear where a ceramics teacher divided his class into two groups. The first was told theyd be graded on quality. The other, quantity. To get an A, the quantity group was required to produce fifty pounds of clay pots. Not exactly an artistically inspired assignment. And yet, when grading time came, a curious fact emerged: the works of highest quality were all produced by the group being graded for quantity.

What accounted for this reversal of expectations?

Easy: while the quality group held back laboring under perfectionism the quantity group got busy. They practiced. And thats good news. If greatness came down to passion or worse, talent then itd be reserved for only a select few. Practice means greatness is doable one tiny step after another.

4. Not passion, planning

Liran Kotzer, CEO of Woo.io:

Passion is indeed very important, but what most people don’t know is whats needed to achieve their true potential. Whether its to acquire new skills, get a promotion, or achieve what they want, it all starts with having a plan based on real data and real-world options.

The only word less sexy than practice is planning. And yet planning is a golden thread woven through the lives of artists, leaders, and entrepreneurs alike. The trick here is that plans need not be grandiose. Rather, they shouldnt be.

Optimism is wonderful when it comes to our dreams. However, when it comes to whats next the nitty-gritty actions thatll get us there optimism kills. Infected with passion, our plans lose touch with reality. We overestimate strengths and underestimate challenges. Beyond the real data and real-world options, we build castles in the sky. Thats one of the reasons platform like Woo, which lets you get feedback from companies and headhunters anonymously, are so valuable.

Where passion disconnects us from reality, planning especially planning of the SMART goal and number-crunching variety drives home the true state of affairs.

That true state rescues us from false expectations, show stoppers, and resentment. As a good friend of mine likes to say, The question when youre trying to bring a dream into reality shouldnt be, What going to go right? It should be, Whats going to go wrong?

5. Not passion, positioning

Jason Stone, founder of Millionaire Mentor Inc.:

Passion can only take you so far. After that, if you don’t have the skills, the tools, the resources, the knowledge, and the track-record to move forward, take risks, and expand. Otherwise, you wont be able to position yourself as an authority. Positioning is key to make sure you are ready when opportunity strikes!

Humans are associative creatures. We think and act not in isolation but by comparing and contrasting.

The basic approach of positioning, wrote Al Ries and Jack Trout in Positioning: The Battle for Your Mind, is not to create something new and different, but to manipulate whats already up there in the mind, to retie the connections that already exist. This is especially true when it comes to how other people see us.

Passionate people often come off as self-inflated. Theyre legends in their own minds. Positioning means leveraging who you are and what youve done as a springboard to whats next. It embraces the associate nature of other people and while it still leaves room for confidence acknowledges that how others perceive us is more real, at least to them, than how we see ourselves.

6. Not passion, peripheral

Troy Osinoff, author of My Bad Parent: Do As I Say, Not as I Did:

People that think they completely understand their world are the most susceptible to overlook new opportunities. Peripheral is about establishing an unwavering curiosity to use your existing knowledge in uncovering new patterns and trends both for the sake of your personal development as well as the success of your business or career.

Passion makes us myopic. We become so focused on the desire inside us, we lose sight of whats around us. Objectivity the ability to see the world as it truly is atrophies in the blinding light of passion.

Adopting a peripheral perspective forces us to examine the margins. It widens our view. Rather than rush headlong into disaster, were able to spot not just the pitfalls but the opportunities we would have otherwise missed.

How? By cultivating curiosity. Questions like, What am I missing? What am I ignoring? Who could give me a fresh take? are vital in every area of life. Likewise, so is putting ourselves in new situations, reading books outside our passions, and intentionally pursuing people who have nothing to do with what it is we think we want.

7. Not passion, perseverance

Brian D. Evans, founder of Influencive and Inc. 500 Entrepreneur:

The person who calls themselves a student is more a master than those who try to wear the title. Get up when you get knocked down. Come back stronger, faster, and (above all) smarter. The constant desire to learn and overcome has helped me achieve everything. You must persevere.

Although it might sound odd, perseverance is as much about putting in effort as it is battling ego. Drunk on passion, masters are doomed to repeat failures in the name of pushing through. In contrast, students do more than hone their craft; they learn from their mistakes.

Asked if the Patriots historic comeback in Super Bowl LI was his greatest game ever, Tom Brady replied: [W]hen I think of an interception return for a touchdown, some other missed opportunities in the first 37, 38 minutes of the game, I dont really consider playing a good quarter-and-a-half, plus overtime as one of the best games ever but it was certainly one of the most thrilling.

Certainly Brandy persevered, and itd be nice if that guaranteed success. But sometimes you wont come back to win it. At least, not in the moment. Jobs will be lost. Pitches turned down. Relationships ended. And reviews harsh.

Failure, however, isnt just an inevitable stepping stone toward success. Rejection is part of success itself. As Louis CK put it to a budding comedian, The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time and, if you dont give up, you will get better.

Is passion a bad thing?

Understood rightly, no. But as the be-all-and-end-all? Yes.

Cal Newports prescription was skill: passion is the result of excellence, not its source.

Far from a magic bullet, passion can mislead us, blind us, and even turn us in on ourselves. Newport was right: Follow your passion might just be terrible advice. Thankfully, these seven habits put passion in its place so that the fire Jobs spoke of doesnt burn out but endures.

Aaron Orendorff is the founder of iconiContent and a regular contributor at Entrepreneur, Lifehacker, Fast Company, Business Insider and more. Connect with him about content marketing (and bunnies) on Facebook or Twitter.

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from Passion is overrated 7 habits that you need instead

this is kinda going to be long.

my dad gets so fucking worked up about things and it fucking drives me bonkers because hes just being an ass about it. like we were watching transformers on tv and it had some extra interviews and it talked about the differences of opinion between shia and michael bay on how to do a scene. so my dad is spouting off about how ‘directors are lazy and complacent and they need to learn from others successes’ and on and on and on. and im like ???? there are like only a handful of series that go from one movie to the next??? and so we got into it. like i explained to him that this is a recent thing in the past ten years to have movies that all link up to one another that tell a whole story, rather than having a story that has a beginning middle and end and then adding on a sequel. cause lets be real most sequels suck cause theyre trying to recaputre the glory of the first movie and they dont live up to it.

so hes just fuckin goin off about how this that and the other. and i point out to him that the marvels movies started out as flops. like iron man was pretty good, then two just was in the toilet. well it was the first of its kind. they closed the doors on the first movie. it was a little hard to try to reopen things they had already closed. so they learned and the third movie was pretty good. then we have all the other movies in the franchise that build off each other. yeah they make mistakes, but these guys have all learned and built off each other. 

NOPE. hes like hauling off about laziness and they need to look at other peoples successes and failures on working in series. and im like ?????? asshole, do you not realize there are not that many series out there???? and so we just keep fighting over it and it gets to the point where im like ‘dude, its a fucking novel that theyre taking from a script and turning it into a visualization. you have a problem with their lack of continuity or their characterization, thats where your problems lie, not with the producer’

so then hes just like freaking out hardcore and hes like ‘movies and books are different’ and im like how? how could they possibly be different? world building, characters, a plot, a beginning middle and end. like how are they different aside from the fact one is visual and one is text based? and he just cant see that theyre literally the same thing. and so he keeps freaking out.

and im like ‘if i were to write a book on xyz, i wouldnt go look at the other successful authors that wrote something similar. thats fucking stupid.’ and hes like ‘thats not what i was saying’. um yes it is. if youre talking about looking at something and trying to base it off its predecessors successes and failures, then...wouldnt you have to...idk find something that was actually similar before you can make comparisons???

idfk. he had an issue with the fact that michael bay is a jackass and wanted ‘to do things his way’ and wasnt going to let shia do something he wanted to do. yeah okay creative differences, still made a fairly okay movie. not the actors fault that theres four of these stupid movies. but he was raging hardcore over the fact that the director was ‘lazy and complacent’. so what is his laziness? is there some sort of standard hes following? what is his complacency? like i? dont? understand???

the complacency youre talking about is he wanted a fucking paycheck. the first one was successful and he probably won awards and there was acclaim. so whats stopping him from trying to make a second? a third? he has the characters. he somewhat has the world. its not his own idea, no, because hes taking from an already fairly successful source. but hes moulding the characters to his needs and purposes. same thing with his screenwriter.

i have more anger directed towards the screenwriter than the producer because if the script/characters suck, its on them. they wrote the fuckin thing. if you dont know how to worldbuild or write a cohesive character outside of a single individual film, thats on you and your creativity, not the producer. but nope, he couldnt see it that way. and he kept yelling about how i was putting words in his mouth and this that or the other. like jesus fucking christ man.

im so fucking over how he cant see another point of view. he does this shit with everything. like i need to move fucking far away again. i cannot do this shit. it drives me near up the wall.

he gets so mad that im ‘so literal’ ‘all the goddamned time’. okay well...im not yelling every five seconds that the english language is being destroyed and cant accept change. ‘i was taught all the rules and exceptions’. bullshit. if you were, youd speak worse than a goddamned textbook. you wouldnt sound human. you wouldnt fit in to your social environment. you would be stiff. yet whenever you hear a new word, jesus lord almighty the world is coming down around your ears. its bad when others say it, but you dont mind when we do it. righto.

he makes me so mad. he just doesnt want to look outside his viewpoint. as understanding as he is, he doesnt want to learn. he says he likes learning, but he doesnt actually. if it goes away from what he was taught or something hes stood by for forever and a half, he doesnt want it to change. its like tough luck asshole, thats how things happen. if you dont want change, move to a cave. i dont like change either, but im not yelling from the rooftops about it. nor am i blinded by my viewpoints.

the dumb thing about all this is, is that i dont have anyone i can talk to this about. none of my friends really wanted to stay in contact after we grew up. i havent made too many strong relationships after childhood. the ones i have made, i dont want to feel like im bothering them. i dont want to feel like im incessantly talking nonstop and only about myself and my problems. so i bottle it and then it explodes and then after im done writing it out or talking it out, im still angry. my anxiety is still high. but im over it. im done talking about it. i could get riled up again, but it just tires me out.

like i feel like i used to have a good relationship with my dad, but then i moved away. i learned some new things. i saw some different view points. i aligned myself with others that were abroad. i try to look at things differently. and now that ive come back, its like hes exactly where i left him. he didnt change, but i did. he doesnt want to learn or grow. he thinks hes done, that this is the most him he can be.

it makes me really angry because i want to share things with him. i want to talk to him about the things that excite me, that i think might excite him cause we share a lot of common interests. but then all i get is push back and anger and confrontation and it just makes me tired. it makes me angry too, but i just want to be done and over with it. i want to be away from it. from him.

when i left, i didnt know mothers werent supposed to be that way. now that ive learned thats not how any individual should be, i can see how dads shouldnt be that way either. im not saying hes abusive like my mother, but hes nearly there. belittling and jeering and outright testosterone fueled meanness when things dont go his way or i dont perform to his standards. theres even a disparity between how understanding he used to be and how understanding he is now. the older i get and the further i get away from who i used to be, the less understanding he seems to be. it makes me sad. it makes me angry. it makes me want to leave and not come back. it makes me want to go and to go and to go. at the same time, i live in a constant state of existential crisis. life is short and nothing has meaning. all that stuff. so theres fear, true panic inducing fear that dominates my line of thinking for a few days before i get it under control and so i dont want to lose my relationship with my dad. he is probably one of the closest people in my life. but he also keeps getting more distant as time progresses.

nights like tonight just make me want to cry. i go from anger to sadness/panic to exhaustion. like ive ranted, ive changed the subject a couple times now, but i dont feel better. theres still a low simmer of anger in my chest thats constricting in the way anxiety is constricting.

i dont want many more of these situations. i guess its time to move. i dont want to do it permanently, but it looks kinda like it might have to be. and if it is permanent, that means i leave behind my grandmother who means the world to me. it means i leave behind one of my best friends, a friend i believed would die and i wouldnt be informed of his passing a few years ago. i already left some close friends behind in my last state of residency. i read a lot because i choose to escape from things. i have a hard time facing things. like facing the fact that my dad is probably not going to change as a individual and will continue to be confrontational and a hypocrite. i really wanna cry but my depression doesnt allow it.