#like what im trying to say is i basically wrote them as a unit in this post but i would write them as seperate people
Text
had a dream about randomly waking up and being Conner and M'gann's future kid or smth with absolutely no clue as to how i got there and now i'm thinking of a dp yj crossover with Danny being their kid and ending up in the same scenario.
like, he has enhanced strength and has a lot of powers similar to a martian, so this could actually work p good.
Okay, i see this as going one of two ways:
Danny is actually their kid, but Danny's memories of his past life (DP canon) catch up with him and mess with the memories of his current life.
Danny is not their kid, he has no idea how he got here and why these people insist he's their son. He's half-convinced this is one of Vlad's schemes and/or that they're kidnappers. (I'm leaning more towards this one)
Either way there would probably be a lot of Danny freaking out and trying to run away as soon as he could. This includes, of course, a panicked use of his powers, which surprises Conner and M'gann enough for him to escape.
At this point, he'd try to make his way to Amity Park and either find that it doesn't exist, was completely destroyed, or there's no evidence of ghost attacks/the Fentons/Sam and Tucker/anyone Danny might recognize.
Danny... has a bit of a rough time.
Regardless of which option I choose ('actually their kid' vs 'not their kid'), the reason things are different in Amity is because this is years in the future and also a different universe. It's probably Clockwork's fault tbh.
Danny doesn't know he's in an alternate universe so he kinda just, yknow, gets real sad and falls asleep in the park or something.
Conner and M'gann get some help and track him down. They're pretty heart broken to find their little boy sleeping on a bench with clear tear tracks on his cheek. They take him back to the bioship and discuss how to talk to him when he wakes up and how to help him with his 'new powers'.
When Danny wakes up in Conner and M'gann's house, he's much more resigned and quieter than before. Kinda listless too.
He doesn't know where he is, FentonWorks was destroyed/doesn't exist so he can't go into the Ghost Zone and ask Clockwork for help, and Vlad hasn't shown his face so he's just... stuck with these people.
there'll probably be a meeting with Dinah or something after a while of Danny showing the same behaviour and eventually, maybe, perhaps everyone will figure out Danny's from an alternate universe, but for reasons I haven't determined yet, he can't go back.
Eventually Danny will realize that Conner and M'gann aren't so bad, especially compared to his real parents, and will start to warm up to them. Maybe there will be a key moment when he actually seeks out one or both of them for comfort that cements them as trustworthy adults, at the very least.
then blah blah fluff blah blah angst blah blah story and Danny warms up to them a lot more and starts thinking of them as an uncle and aunt in his head (ignoring the fact that they act more like parents than Jack and Maddie ever had)
THEN there's gonna be this big incident where every hero available is asked to help out, including Conner and M'gann, and Danny is staying with uhh, Lucas Carr or one of C&M's other friends.
Danny sneaks out to go help, obviously, and Conner and M'gann are Not Happy and trying to send him back home, but oops too late, no one can leave now because The Incident has become much Much worse and will probably destroy the Earth if they don't stop it soon.
At one point, The Incident makes a portal into the Ghost Zone, a portal that's within eyesight to Clockwork's lair, a portal that Danny could easily fly into and go home, but that would mean leaving before The Incident was resolved and he couldn't do that. He also couldn't leave without saying goodbye.
So he stays, and he fights, and he does everything he can to help.
And then
The heroes are down. Many are injured or out cold. No one is unscathed. There are only a handful of people left standing, including Danny, Conner, and M'gann.
They won't be able to resolve The Incident with just the handful of people awake and able to move. But Danny has an idea. A very very bad idea.
He looks at the portal, allows a brief moment of mourning, and then absorbs the energy of the portal into himself, literally channeling the energy of the Ghost Zone through himself, to make a huge beam or ecto-construct or massive blast of ghost ice to resolve The Incident.
The downsides to doing this is how absolutely drained he feels afterward. Oh, and by using up the portal's energy Danny caused the portal, possibly his only way home, to close.
Conner, as the strongest dude still awake and moving, watches over The Resolved Incident, and M'gann holds Danny as he mourns his home.
#nemotime#DPxDC#dp yj crossover#dp dc crossover#long post#I'm imagining this as post-YJ s4 of course#im not gonna mention spoiler stuff though#but if i ever write this... lets just say i have Ideas#there would definitely be more seperate moments of Danny with Conner and Danny with M'gann#plus Conner and M'gann are probably gonna disagree on some things here and there of course#like what im trying to say is i basically wrote them as a unit in this post but i would write them as seperate people#with differing opinions and stuff if i wrote this fic#The Incident is probably ghostly in nature#which is why Danny went after them. definitely not because he was worried about them#wow this is A Lot longer than i was expecting lmao#aw fuck#now im thinking of Danny pulling a Tim and going on a ConnerQuest like Tim's BruceQuest#man that'd be something#i cant think about this though#i cant get sucked into making another post when i already took so long making this one jshdjgadfg
90 notes
·
View notes
Note
Warning: probably a long text w/ a horse cutted by half because it's been years since I watched 2012 TMNT. (Only 3 seasons or 2 I watched but I remember their dynamics, and in willing to watch it again and complete the series)
Well, I remember when watching 2012 the turtles would be indeed having those problems between them and it's something you can see sometimes about how they interact- but yeah as ppl are saying when you see who uses the abuse only looks towards Mikey, but he's not a "UwU baby" no he's not 👤 and Tbh all of the boys have their own flaws and Ahole moments for ig tension for some discussions between them.
Ofc for what I've seen, it does get a lot of road to walk in the series, of their own relationships and problems. I don't think they are abused or abuse each other. Tbh the thing you can say it's:
They miscommunicate, they are immature(for alot of things) but I don't see it as the level of "Omg they're abusers to *insert fan favourite*!!" Because as said, some of the excuses for say that could be then easily putted on the whole ass family. But ya.
I'm not an abuse specialist since I'm really slow on shit that are around me lmao
But in a shitty conclusion:
Depends on your view. But their siblings demonstration is ofc different from others iteration. Their way is that. I do remember hating on 12 Raph but now I see myself on him. And pretty much it's most of how they're distante from each one at some points and don't even see their family problems and yeah, I think they do have their point we're they are more united and learn but yeah.
And being distant is something that happens w/ me and my sib. We have points were we joke around but we are distant about our own feelings and things that bother us. And it's a problem because there's fights because of that. And I remember that on some part of their relationships in 2012.
But who I am do say much🫂
im not an abuse specialist either but to me abuse is any kind of repetitive mistreatment and disregard for boundaries (i could probably spend more time on my specific definition but we'd be here for days if i did that) (neglect is also abuse and i think the turtles have probably been at least emotionally neglected, but that's not what we're talking about rn).
so the question of if they abuse each other is, to me, more of you the viewer deciding how much they care about what they do to each other.
like if mikey doesn't actually mind when raph hits him its probably not abuse, just sibling roughhousing. likewise, if for example, Donnie genuinely hates being made fun of and it makes him feel less able to open up about his feelings, but the others keep doing it anyway cause thats Just What They Do, then that WOULD be abuse to me.
but they all kind of do this cause its a 2012 kids show and emotional constipation is basically the law of the land around those parts.
ah but i think i've made that point before, so i'll try to stay on topic..
ive gotta agree that if i wrote about the 2012 gang and abuse, I wouldn't just focus on mikey. mainly because that's not usually the whole story when it comes to abuse. typically if one kid is being abused by all the others, its because they've all been encouraged to in some way by the adult. and if you DONT join in there's a chance you could be the next target. and thats a threat in itself, so even IF Mikey was the only one being abused (which I wouldnt write because that doesn't really align with how i see the 2012 boys) the others would STILL be in a fucked up situation and need to have their own problems addressed.
but i dont see mikey as the punching bag. it seems like they can all be pretty cruel to each other sometimes. and i know its like part of the era the tv show came from but that doesnt stop me from being interested in exploring those dynamics.
anyway, thanks for the input! i appreciate it
13 notes
·
View notes
Note
What was going to an all girls school like, if you don't mind me asking? :)
OK anon im so sorry this is so long and so convuluted I actually got so carried away jdbKJBGKSDBGH. i'm not even sure i properly answered your question i just got overwhelmed with Love for my same-sex schooling DHGKJSDFBHG anyway, if there's anything more you want to know lmk and I will try to be concise next time 💀
Essentially, my own experience at a single-sex secondary school was fantastic—however, I know my experience isn’t universal, especially since my school was a little bit different to most, I think.
That being said, I still think that sending your daughters to female-only secondary schools is something every parent should strive to do if they can. No other learning environment will ever be as good for girls as a same-sex school.
In terms of school staff, mine was about 95% female, and 5% male. The few male teachers we had were genuinely competent men and decent teachers, they were also watched like hawks. Our principal was female, all leadership positions in the school (such as House Leaders, Year Level Co-Ordinators, Department Heads, even the chaplain) were held by women. Our school psychologists, our nurses, our library technicians, our café ladies, our career advisors, our tutors—all were women. Our school houses (think like Harry Potter houses) were named after important women in our country’s history.
I went to a co-ed primary school. And whilst at twelve you might not have the words to describe it, graduating from a co-ed space, into an all-female space is really a giant weight off of your shoulders. You don’t realise how suffocating co-education is until you’re no longer having to bear it. It feels so much more natural, so much more free! You are welcomed as you are. You can be loud and unashamed of it. We joked frequently with each other and our teachers, laughed loudly and cared not whether our laughs were ‘ugly’. I found that teachers were far more supportive than they were in my co-ed school. For example, in a co-ed school I had been told frequently to ‘pipe down’ or to ‘reel it in’ from teachers, and more vexingly to ‘shut up’ from boys due to my boisterous personality. In high school? My teachers encouraged me to audition for the play because I had ‘great projection’. In every school programme (more on those later) that I was involved in, I was the one asked to give speeches about them at assembly. I was asked to be the lead of our house chants during our sports festivals. I was asked to join the debate team because of my passionate nature, which in primary school, had me known as ‘difficult’.
Likewise, I had a friend who was by nature quiet, and loved to draw. In primary school she’d doodled on the back of a work booklet, and when her teacher returned it, she’d taken off two points and had written a comment saying something about teachers in high school not accepting work that was drawn on.
Do you know what happened when she got to high school? Our English teacher had seen the eye she’d drawn on the back of our Romeo and Juliet test and had written, ‘beautiful!’ above it. The next test, she drew a two-headed cat with witches’ hats on both heads (I remember the left head was called Turpentine and the right head was called Esmeralda). Our teacher wrote, ‘wonderful!’ above it, with a smiley face.
The next day she got an email from our art teacher that had a PDF flyer of information on both in-school and local art competitions.
Anyway, she had questions and that teacher answered every single one of them. She also personally helped her select the works she wanted to submit. She ended up having two pieces shown in the school gallery, along forty pieces made by other girls. About five years later for our final year, on that art teacher’s recommendation (and tutelage!) she took all of the visual art subjects on offer. When she graduated, her final piece was shown at a public exhibition in our state’s capital city, that honoured the best pieces done by select graduating students in the state.
So yeah. Our teachers were pretty amazing. Of course, there was the odd teacher or two you would butt heads with but that’s just a universal school experience. Our humanities classes, like history, for example, often had a unit that would focus on the female experience of a certain time period. For example, when learning about WW2, we did projects on female resistance fighters et cetera.
We had health classes that were actually focused on female health. We learnt about female anatomy (even the clitoris! Though we were all about thirteen/fourteen at this time so we found it incredibly awkward to talk about), as well as symptoms of PCOS during our menstrual unit. We learnt about contraceptive methods and devices (however, as a Catholic school they did have to tell us that whilst these methods are available, the church-sanctioned method is of course, abstinence).
Whilst the majority of the girls shaved their legs and wore makeup, as someone who did neither of those things I rarely felt judgement about it (albeit, I think there was a little for my lack of makeup, but this only lasted the first two years). A good portion of our staff also did not wear makeup, I don’t recall this ever being commented on. And, by the time we’d reached about our third year, a good portion of my year level and the ones above did not wear makeup on a daily basis. Leg hair was not looked down upon by any of us I don’t think by this year either. In fact, if you were particularly hairy often your hairless friends asked to rub your legs!
We were never short of female role-models, our staff made sure of that. We had multiple days per year when guest speakers would come and talk to us, mostly these were women who were experts in their fields—whether that be neuroscience or computer science, linguistics and literature or mathematics, politics, et cetera. The only times we really had male guest speakers was when police officers (one male one female) came to give us an assembly about sexual peer-pressure and laws around sharing nudes that was basically, “these are common (male) manipulation tactics used to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do, don’t fall for them”.
We were encouraged to take STEM subjects, and those of us that had taken interest in computer programming were sent to coding programmes in the city during school hours! That’s how keen our teachers were to get more women into the field! This was the same with the girls interested in politics, who got to go to Model UN events, as well as mock parliaments in the country’s capitol.
We had a lot of programmes generally. A few overseas ones for girls who were in LOTE (languages other than English) classes. A few interstate ones, too. And of course, local programmes and excursions. Most of them (aside from the LOTE ones which focused on immersion) were volunteer programmes aimed at helping women and girls. The rest were about furthering our own skills or learning new ones. Majority of these were year-level based, but a few depended on the clubs/groups/classes you were in. For example, I was part of the Writer’s Club, and we took an excursion to the state Writer’s Festival and listened to female writers as well as feminist panels. We also had self-defence programmes every year.
In terms of peers I generally found everyone to be quite amiable by the time we’d reached our third/fourth year. There’s a common myth about all girls schools being filled with ‘catty’ girls who are constantly bitching about one another, but I really did not find that to ring true. There were a few fights and arguments in the earlier years, I was part of quite a lot lol but that’s honestly… just something that happens at school, at any school. Largely, we were good to each other. If someone was crying there was always someone who’d ask her what was wrong. If you missed the notes on the slide, there was always a girl willing to share her notes with you.
I think going to an all-girl’s school, and not having that much interaction with the opposite sex generally for that six-year period truly does something, I think, to your psyche. We are socialised to look down on our fellow woman, socialised to look down upon ourselves. But actually being constantly surrounded by women, and almost ONLY women, really helps to undo that. Even now I could not describe the fierce love I have for all those women and girls I came in contact with during my time there—even the ones I bickered with. Each and every single woman I met there enriched my life in some way or another. I think that is the effect of consistently spending time in any female-only space: developing a true appreciation for women. It is the only reasonable conclusion to come to.
I have been out of high school for two years, and in university for one. Among the many men I have met since, none of them have even been able to hold a candle to the any women and girls I know.
Anyway. TLDR: it slapped, send your daughters to same-sex schools!!
277 notes
·
View notes
Note
seeing all your thoughts and love for 7x12, which i agree it's one of the best episodes and really ended things perfectly and how s11 missed the mark so much finale (and just overall tbh), makes me wonder (especially since you're in charge now ) what s11, the whole season or just the finale could've been? if it has been more consistent with the earlier seasons and had the s7 finale vibes if that makes sense. so basically im curious what s11 would be like if u wrote it, what basic storylines and how would everyone end the series?
okay YES what i am saying about 7x12 is not that i wish it had been the finale instead of 11x12, or that i would have been happy about not having a better resolution for mickey... it's just that for a hot second that was the finale. and the energy they brought to it, the emotional stakes that were raised - it felt more like a finale than 11x12. as an episode of television, it's glorious. i'm not even talking about the overall s7 arc or what could have been different. of course i would want better for mickey in s7, but it's far better than what we got in s6.
ANYWAYS no pressure or anything 😭 the thing about s11 is that (some of) the bones were good - they just fucked it on execution. they didn't take anything seriously, and they had little cohesion from one episode to the next. so i'll work with what they gave us:
alright so lip and tami are worried about money. yes, sounds good. i don't know how i feel about the born free thing. maybe he loses that job and he doesn't go off the rails and steal those bikes. maybe he loses the job, and he and brad work to keep each other steady?? and i'm even cool with them trying to figure out what to do with the gallagher house - but i would want the conflict with debbie to be handled better. lip does not lie to tami in basically every episode 🙄 and we do not immediately forget about lip's 10x12 relapse, i would have that be something we return to during the season. and brad would be better utilized in this regard!! okay and i would have tami suspect she's pregnant earlier - so the storyline can be about HER and not just about how lip feels about it. i think it's okay that they had some struggles this season, but it needed to be balanced with some wins. maybe lip leaves that dude's house in the finale and goes to pick up some pamphlets at malcolm x. or he at least googles it, jesus.
ian and mickey are getting used to being married and what that means. they have their talks and disagreements about money or getting their new place.... but they don't hit each other! or demean each other! ian quits his job, has a bit of a slump, and mickey finds a solution in the business. i think this takes more than one episode, though. they learn how to run their own business, how to work closely together. all good. terry still dies - idc how, but i'm not putting liam through that. there's no mockery of terry and mickey's relationship, not goofy antics. mickey has MORE TIME AND SPACE to grieve, and he and ian have some room to reflect on their experiences (aka HOS). they don't shove that kids conversation into five minutes during the finale, it's integrated into the terry stuff. i think they'd still move out, but again, it's not shoved into one episode. i think this season is about them forming a more united vision for their future.
debbie and sandy kinda have a similar storyline to ian and mickey - they moved very quickly into a serious relationship, and now they have to figure out how it works in the day to day. debbie grows her business, tries to come back from her ordeal in 10x12. maybe it's difficult, so she struggles there. i'm still cool with her and lip disagreeing about the house.... but it's her house! it's where she is actively living! and i would want her and lip to have better conversations about that. about what it would really mean to her to lose that house. i like that we got more of sandy's story, i do not like how it gave me whiplash. if they break up, it's later in the season, and it's with the understanding that the timing isn't right for them. debbie has some growing up to do, she has some demons to confront. maybe we get the feeling that their story isn't over. NO HEIDI. debbie wraps up the series by committing to franny, to forging a life for the two of them.
fucking carl. carl gets disillusioned with his job, but no POC have to suffer on his journey to realize that it's not what he thought it would be. i think he's like early ian - he was looking for purpose, he was looking to do some good. but he got lost. the problem is... i don't know what happens instead. maybe kev and v take him under their wing earlier, and the idea of him taking over the bar gets planted before the finale. i don't know how he gets the money.... but 🤷🏻♀️ carl finds his way to become a figure in the community. (ultimately i'd hc carl doing something else, but for the season, this could be a start)
liam does not suffer for the entire season, i will not allow it. no milkoviches next door. instead of being terrorized by nazis or feeling constantly afraid of becoming homeless, liam is the one to notice something is up with frank. he has to talk to his siblings, who don't care enough about frank to notice a difference. but!!!! they talk to liam, they pay attention to him (even if they don't pay attention to frank). he learns more about things that happened when he was little, when his brothers and sisters shielded him from so much. but he still has his loyalty to frank. liam tries to focus on school, but it's difficult with the pandemic and his sick dad. lip still offers to take him in, no matter what, and he feels more steady.
frank still dies. kev and v still move away - but they are not so isolated from the gallaghers in this season. the twins don't eat a bunch of drugs. i honestly don't remember much else, that season was a fever dream.
they come together in the finale - still love the bonfire callback. no one sings though. they do not stand around and sing at this man whose car is on fire...... i will not allow it. AND THEY TALK ABOUT FIONA, HELL MAYBE THEY CALL HER!!!!
all in all, we just don't waste time on extra characters or extra stories. we focus on them, and how they're gonna move forward. everyone ends the series with a question on what's next..... but we know it's gonna be okay. we know they still have each other. except frank.
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
demise backstory (summary)
I didnt actually plan on wrtiting a summary of demises backstory (that i came up with, idk if its any good) but im realizing how long it will take me to draw it all, especially with job related things getting in the way all the time, so i guess im gonna post a badly summarised version of it right here right now, some things might change but thats always the case with my writing, nothings set in stone.
(please be aware that im not the best writer and didnt put much effort into this, it got longer than i thought but well meh :V ignore the typos, i wrote this at 1 am ;O; )
I didnt proof read anything, so this is a mess, anyway here goes nothin:
As far as i know, there have been multiple cases of hyrule having some sort of alternate mirror version of itself or just an alternate world somehow somewhere, so my personal idea about this is that demise WAS what hylia is for hyrule, a deity of protection. thats also where the whole inverted triforce symbols come from in my design for him, im not saying its lorule, but its definitely inspired by it to some degree.
so they also had a triforce (here simply called "relics"), but it was split into the three pieces, for each of the three main nations/countries one, originally it was split like this as a way of sharing it equally AND to keep it safe, since if someone was to want the whole thing, theyd have to fight three different giant nations for it, which was thought as being pretty impossible.
as i said before, demise (might not have always been his name idk) was their deity of protection, he was there to keep the peace, to prevent the three countries from going after the relics themselves, tho he was always a cocky bastard he wasnt as destructive and hateful as he is now, back then he was still the servant of their gods after all. for a long long time he was successful at keeping everything as it was supposed to be, but of course, it cant go well forever, i dont have all the details yet but basically, those three nations started war after war, he was able to keep it from escalating for quite some time but at some point, the people found out that if they destroyed his statues (just like hylias in canon) to prevent anyone from praying to him, he wouldnt know, at least, not immediately (my idea was that the statues are a sort of communication link to whatever their god was, so in ancient hyrule, if you prayed to one of hylias statues, and asked for her protection/help, she would know instantly and show up within seconds)
alot of battles were fought without demise hearing anything about it, until someone found a statue that wasnt fully destroyed. when demise showed up however, the person had already died as they were wounded when fleeing from the battlefield. wondering how this all came to be he went to look for where that person came from, since if there was actual big trouble he should have known about it much sooner.
he must have missed the biggest battle his world had ever seen, given the sheer size of it .. and the amount of corpses scattered all over it.
this only happened because of the greed of the people in power for the rest of the relics, which promised power, more power than they already had, plus who wouldnt want to know what happen if the relics were combined again, given how they've been seperated since the beginning.
Fueled by anger and grief over how many people had lost their lives without him even KNOWING that a war of this size was happening, demise tried to ask the gods as to what he was supposed to do, how could he stop these needlessly cruel wars over something so small ? but the gods were silent.
so he had to decide on his own, what was the best thing to do ? after careful consideration he couldnt think of anything else but to destroy the relics, after all, he could touch or use them himself as means to prevent him, as an already powerful deity, from falling for that greed for power, just like the inhabitants of his world did now.
the first one was the easiest, they didnt know his plan and let him wander their sacred halls with no second thought .. until he raised his sword once he stood in front of that cursed relic that led only to bloodshed and death.
of course the news started to spread that their protector had apparently turned against them, some thought it was because they destroyed his statues, others because they thought he feared they would be more powerful than him once they gathered all the relics.
on his way to destroy the second one he was met with resistance, but nothing he couldnt get through. the third one was a fight of an army against one deity. demise won, but not without killing some of the people he swore to protect .. and the only reason he was doing this, was for their own good.
after the deed was done, instead of everything getting better, it was getting worse. the people were more united than ever. against him that is. and the world fell apart.
the oceans started to shrink, the winds would blow more harshly with each passing day, plants would wither away as if robbed of life before it began.
demise was never overly beloved by anyone even back in the beginnings, but he could deal with them hating and resenting him, as long as they wouldnt go to war against each other, he was happy, more or less. what he couldnt handle was watching as his world started to die a slow and agozing death, right before his eyes, without him being able to do anything against it. and the gods stayed silent.
was it because he destroyed the relics ? were the gods mad at him for going against their orders and deemed it appropriate to punish him by having to watch the people suffer ?or was it that the gods that were bored of playing with this world and moved on to the next ?
he would never know the answer.
the world died slowly over hundreds of years of painful suffering, desperately trying to to stay alive. even then the last remaining survivors knew him only as the destroyer of their world, responsible for their suffering. his former self wiped from memory, and only hate remained.
after the last mortal died, the last tree withered and the oceans were gone. there was nothing left to guard, nothing left but the ruins of the past and the painful reminder of how this all came to be. the question of why it had to happen, was never answered, as the gods abandoned him and his world a long time ago.
in a fit of rage he sought to destroy the last temples, the once sacred places which inscriptions have long faded away and the place he once called his home, where he used to speak to his gods before they fell into this agonizing silence and as he drove his sword through the sculpted stones which once housed their voices, it split into two . ..
..and through the cracks blew a wind carrying the scent of a world that was still alive.
#ganondoodles#long post#loz#tloz#demise#writing#wanted to write it really short#but it got a lil out of hand#please please ignore the typos#or missing words#im pretty tired and havent seriously written anything in like#10 years ?#its probably pretty cheesy ? or cliche whatever#once my brain makes up sth like this (all at once mind you) i literally cannot think it otherwise#details might change over time#but that always happens#;__;#also a bonus ugly sketch#weeeeeeeeeee#god this is embarrassing#>o<
206 notes
·
View notes
Text
@rushpartyofcanada tagged me so I will try even though I do not know if I will be able to come up with 13!
rules: list 13 songs you're currently vibing with, or favorite songs!
1. Holy Moment by WOW OK
This is one of me & my partner’s main Songs. Nearly every fucking line applies to our relationship so well. It’s such a happy, hopeful song and it makes me so emotional. It was the first song they played when we got in the car after they picked me up from the airport, and I commissioned a @snazzystarlight painting of the song for them, and it’s on the wall above their bed now :)))
2. there is a place for you here. by Left At London
This song makes me fucking CRY. It’s about a fucking CAT. NAT’S CAT TÍMIDO. BABY BOY. BEAUTIFUL. It’s about how taking care of her cat who’d been abused before helped her to feel more hopeful in her own life and about how they’re going to make it through together. It’s such a fucking beautiful song. GOD. And it reminds me of being at my partner’s house too bc I was there with them when I first heard it and when I found out it was about her cat. I listened to it at work today and just wished that instead of being at work I could be laying on my partner’s bed blasting this through their speaker, crying and staring at the ceiling. Damn
3. Michelle by Sir Chloe
This song, despite not actually specifying what exactly makes Michelle a monster from hell, is sung in a way that is very vibey and sexy and I enjoy singing along to it.
4. Cloud 9 by Beach Bunny ft. Tegan and Sara
“But when she loves me, I feel like I’m floating.” That’s me with my partner so much. The og version of this song without T&S uses he/him pronouns throughout, but this one uses she/her in the second chorus and they/them in the third, which is why I prefer this one since I am dating a she/they.
5. Ohio River by Caroline Says
This song is basically a meme in our friend group now because I made it @coolthxmcdoom’s nickname in the meetup planning server because their name is Caroline and they live in Ohio, but before I introduced it to the friend group it was just an extremely vibey song that came up on my local college’s radio station and I should probably smoke weed to it at some point. And now that it’s also relevant to the meetup memories, it has added significance to me.
6. idolize by Ace Smith
Ace Smith is my good friend! I heard a short clip of this song probably a year or so ago, or something like that, when it was unfinished, and thought “ooh this is cool I can’t wait for the full release.” It’s released now! It’s def Ace’s best song, both in my opinion and in Ace’s. Makes me really emotional, I highly recommend it. Please listen to my friend’s music y’all he puts so much work into it and it’s so well made I have so much love and respect for this person it’s insane
7. peace by Taylor Swift
This is another song where every line just punches me in the fuckin chest. Gets me in the fuckin insecurity. Perfectly puts into words feelings that I struggle to convey. I feel so seen.
8. New Year’s Day by Taylor Swift
I made a slight reference to it in a song I recently wrote.
9. anthems by Charli XCX
Another song that Jax played a lot in the car during my trip. They told me then that when they were first crushing on me, this song reminded them of me. I’d never known that before. Now every time I listen to it or it gets stuck in my head I think of this moment in the car when they were singing along to it and I happened to take the selfie at the exact moment they pointed at me at the line “wanna wake up with you.”
10. forever by Charli XCX
This is yet another song that I heavily associate with Jax, and have from the start of our relationship because they put it on the playlist they made me, and it’s always made me cry.
11. Divine by Jordana
This song is so catchy. I’m not fully sure how it’s supposed to be interpreted and rn I’m a bit too high to do too much analysis but regardless I vibe with it. And I like her vocals.
12. i hope she loves me back by boy pablo
This is another one that I found from my college radio station. It’s sort of corny but in a cute way, and the sound is really cool. I like it. I listened to some more of boy pablo’s music because of it, and he seems to have a very soft sorta vibe/aesthetic that I really like.
13. If We Were Vampires by Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit
This guy has the same last name as some people in my family and is from my state! I haven’t looked up if there’s a relation, but I wouldn’t discount the possibility. This song is really pretty I can’t think of anything else to say about it I haven’t listened in a bit
BONUS IM DOING A #14. (FOREVER!!!!!!!!!) [WOW OK Remix] by glass beach
God i love WOW OK. I know they’ve only got two releases out but I love Holidaykiss and i love Left At London and i LOVE how their skills combine together. I can’t wait for more from these two.
—
So as it turns out, I’m very gay.
I don’t know who is and isn’t comfortable being tagged in tag games, so if you see this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged!
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
On V8 As A Whole
The thing that frustrates me most about this season is the way that RT has spent it and the last one basically tearing down the only kingdom I, personally, think was cool.
When they first introduced Atlas way back in the early days of the fandom I thought they were amazing; the first time we see AKs, they’re kicking ass in the Breach in Vale, and the force looks intimidating. Even the troopers looked pretty good. The idea of a kingdom fully advanced, technologically complex, and military backed interested the military tech nerd in me. I had glorious visions of it and they fueled my writing.
Then V3 kicked that out from under me, but I moved on. Said “sure, they got blindsided/stoppered by Ozpin the War Hating COWARD.” I figured most of their force was at home still and if someone ever came knocking it would look like an episode of Gundam.
Then came Volume 6 with Cordovin...who I wrote off as being sent to this tiny base as far from Atlas as possible because she was old and shit, and the Colossus being an ancient prototype they couldnt find another use for and didnt want to lend Argus anything real. I figured their real tech was better.
Cue 7 and 8, where RT seemingly peeled off every single hope I had of the kingdom being anything like what it was in my head.
I know fan expectations are something you need to avoid in your work. Thats a deep truth no matter what fandom your in or what your doing in it.
And I failed that.
But at the same time it feels like RT went out of their way to completely IGNORE every chance they had to give Atlas more than a passing semblance of...anything really interesting.
They could have debut some new tech (besides the Manta). Shown that Atlas was evolving, adapting to what had happened in Vale. Rolling out new things. Reacting as a group of humans WOULD to an event like that.
Instead, they kept literally every single piece of equipment the same. Down to the models in some cases Im pretty sure. Which as a tech fan makes me grind my teeth. Say whatever reasons you will, it still doesnt make sense.
They floated its line between it being military but not, and its not because they lack the knowledge for it like some have said, cause I KNOW they could have made it far more detailed and deep if they wanted too (they wrote the Vanguard for GenLock fantastically, one of the best things about that show is their depiction of military personnel). They made Atlas a military for those who dont know anything ABOUT the military.
So I shoved off headcanons and changed things, adjusted, made things work to please my own personal whims.
And even through all of this...I still liked the kingdom. It was my favorite, no matter what, because it was the closest I could get to something that wasn’t fairy-tale riddled, time-locked, or just outright outdated.
Ironically enough a beacon of hope for Remnant, that they could someday pull themselves free of the muck of feudal farming land and grow into something more.
...
And then RT literally had Atlas crash into Mantle, destroying them both, and then get it buried under a fucking LAKE.
I know that’s the plot and what was going to happen but this feels to me like they went to the little house I made for myself in this fandom and kicked it right the fuck over.
Gives me the feeling of “yeah no, trying to do anything fancy in this world will get you shafted, dont even bother. BACK TO YOUR TURNIPS SERF.”
And possibly a jibe at America itself as well, considering how they described the situation and had Atlas act overall. Couple friends of mine noticed VERY strange similarities to the Mantle election and our own here in the United States, and many were wondering if thats a coincidence. And of course the way Atlas was structured, and how the people there acted...all of it feels like a jibe.
Well now its all gone so take that as you will. I mean RT are Texans. Maybe some of them support the succession idea.
I’m still gonna watch.
I’m in this for the long haul, no way Im stopping.
But lets just say that the one thing I had going for me in this show has been removed. So Im not gonna care ofr the characters.
At this point, Im watching for one thing; Cinders hopefully brutal, hilariously on-point death, preferably at the hands of Ruby, by accident, and Salems preferably horrendous failure.
Based RT...make her get the relics and have the Gods come back only to kick her back down and tell her to keep going? Have her quest for death be POINTLESS. Somehow.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ok, so as an english person living in Scotland 🏴 I now actually really *get* the need for independence.
Here's my brief, foggy and perhaps mildly innacurate because im a bit shit with dates and names but bear with me. I was also drunk when i wrote this but it still stands
So, Scotland is one of the oldest *established* countries in europe, in 843 or 834 it became a recognised country
England, being England, kept on invading and there was a lot of dispute about territory.
You know thoose historical figures you hear about a lot, William Wallace of Braveheart fame, Robert the Bruce of Outlaw King. These guys were about in the 1300s. Contantly battling with England over their sovreinty
In 1314, the Battle of Bannockburn happens, Robert the Bruce pretty much destroys the English army near Stirling
1320, the Declaration of Arbroath is signed, stating the people of Scotland, not a king or leader, but the people theselves are sovereign, in quite a dramatic comparison so England's monarchy and heirarchical system. Yes, the Scots had kings and nobility, but the people were the most important, kings were not chosen by God
It was written in Latin, but says the following:
As long as but a hundred of us remain alive, never will we on any conditions be brought under English rule. It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours, that we are fighting, but for freedom - for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself".
Boom, right?!
The union of the crown happened, im hhazy on it all, watch Mary Queen of Scots to get a fairly good idea. Its mostly to do with a lot of Protestant/Catholic issues, mostly fuelled by English politics, as far as i can see, but i. Could be v wrong. There was alot of hoo-ha regarding recognising Scotland's monarchy, especially involving the "Auld Alliance" with France, who England was continually picking fights with
1703: The Scottish Parliament passes the Act of Security, under which Scotland will not in future be bound to accept the same monarch as England unless Scotland is accorded completely free trade with England and the colonies.
So, the Treaty of the Union happened in 1707 (thats right, its only just over 300 years old) but lets just look at the curcumstance in which it was signed
In the years (maybe decades) leading up to this, England imposed some kind of tax or restrictions on scottish trading.
5 February 1705: The English Parliament pass the Alien Act, restricting scottish exports and trades. Big economic impact here. Many purses made a lot lighter.
So, the Scottish Parliament (made of nobles and officials, no vote for the people. Rumoura of bribery and threats abound) decide to enter into this Union. A draft is written, its voted in, the Scottish Parliament is dissolved. There was a LOT of anti-union feeling about this. Theres a rumour the Treaty was signed in an actual basement in edinburgh to avoid protests happening around the city. (I obvs dont know the truth in that)
Magically, when the scottish parliament was dissolved, restrictions were removed and scotland was able to trade freely as part of the "United Kingdom of Great Britain"
Now, theres a king, exiled, James, or "the Pretender", hanging in France, decides to rally troops from there and head back to try and sort a Jacobite uprising. This, in 1708, failed.
1715 sees another Jacobite uprising. Defeated
1720 Spain tries to. Help another Jacobite uprising. Defeated.
Honestly, just keep on going through rinse and repeat until the big one.
You all know Bonnie Prince Charlie and the 1745 Jacobite uprising and the absolute massacre of Culloden, especially if youve followed the Outlander series.
This was the last big rebellion. And I'll tell you for why.
Scottish culture was all but outlawed. Kilts, Tartan, Pipes, Gaelic, all punishable offenses. The Highland clearances happened (basically rich people owned the land, decided it was gonna make them more money to feed cattle than people and moved villages and townspeople to the most barren areas, on the brink of survival. A lot of folk were destitute, some left in ships bound for the US willingly , many were sent as punishment for even minor crimes)
Now, im not saying the Scots were angels and innocents subjected to English rule, a good few profited highly from Slave Trade and many oof Glasgow and Edinburgh's city statues are of questionable admirability.
But this Union of Equals is anything but.
In the 1990s, the Scots had to fight tooth and nail to get their own parliament back. This was under Labour and Donald Dewar became First Minister.
In 2014, there was an epic vote for Scots on whether to become and Independent country again. From polling at just 26%a year or so before, the Yes vote went up to 45%. Not enough to win the referendum, but a huge improvement. The Better Together campaign raised questions such as EU membership, pensions, currency, could Scotland afford it?
The DAY AFTER the No vote was announced, David Cameron announces EVEL (yeah, it looks like evil) English Votes for English Laws. Freezing Scottish MPs out of decision-making. So much for "Stay with us, Scotland. Lead us, dont leave us"
2016 the goddamned Brexit vote happens. It was 52/48 Now you know, if that had been the outcome for Yes, the uproar would have been "its too close to call" "thats not a big enough margin!" but because it was what an underlying majority of Tory backbenchers actually wanted, it was accepted. People who voted to stay in the EU were labelled Remoaners and the 16m+ who voted against it were ignored in favour of the 17m+ who voted for. Also worth noting, scotlannd voted 62% to stay in the EU. A much higher margin than to remain ppart of the UK. We were ignored. So much for Scotland staying in the UK to stay in the EU
Oh, and the last decade of Tory austrity has seen oension age increase and pension amount decrease. We've one of the worst ppensions in the developed world. There goes that argument
As a result of the Brexit vote, the sterling decreased in value. Fuck it, a number of Scots wouldnt even mind using the Euro if we were to rejoin them, but we'd be well within our rights to use our own Scots ££££
Also, the Macrone report shows pretty well that Scotland has a wealth of natural resources it would be able to use, we could definitely afford it.
Soooo, we comme to the "once in a generation" arguement. This was said a lot, by both sides. As a turn of phrase. Same as many things. Boris Johnson said he'd rather be dead in a ditch than take an extension for EU talks. He took that extension and thougb ive been thoroughly searching ditches up and down the UK, not spotted him yet.
Nowhere in the Edinburgh Agreement (the document agreement 2014 referendum) does it state "once in a generation". It *does* state that scotland can holld another referendum following "constitutional change". One word. Brexit. Thays one big motherfucking change.
If were talking about a generation, in human terms, thay could be 20/30/40/50 years or so. But if we're talking political generation, its worth noting in talks with Ireland, this was defined as seven years. Since the Edinburgh Agreement was signed in 2012,we're past that. And even if we go by 2014, thay makes 2021 the year we can do another.
12 consecutive polls have shown Yes well ahead for independence. Scotland also allows 16-18 year olds to vote. And EU citizens living in Scotland.
The point is, if Scotlannd wants it, Scotland shoukd be able to choose it.
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
pastelbatfandoms replied to your post “Unpopular opinion: (ignore if you're not taking them anymore) It's not...”
How are Ben's parents abusive? I think out of all the Aurodon kids,Audrey has the most abusive.
I’m like a week late replying to this, I’m so sorry!
So, I agree with you that Audrey’s grandmother is Terrible with a capital T, (’and perhaps I have owed you one, too’ biTCH HOW ABOUT APOLOGISING TO YOUR OWN GRANDAUGHTER FIRST????), but I would say Ben’s parents... well, even if you don’t want to use the word abusive, I’d say they’ve cultivated a pretty unhealthy relationship with their son, and they don’t treat him well.
I wrote about the way Beast treats him here, if you’d like to read about that in more detail, and admittedly I’d say Beast treats him worse than Belle does. However, that post is based on the first book, not on the films, so I’ll talk more about those now - and in the films, I’d say Beast and Belle are pretty much equal in how terribly they treat their son.
First film:
Ben is 16 years old. Why, exactly, is he becoming king (high king? emperor? disney im begging you to sort out your shit)? We see that he’s in school with at least a few other students who will also, presumably, take over their respective countries at some point, being their parents’ direct heirs. But neither Audrey nor Chad seem even close to becoming the leaders of their... nations? states?
If Ben were in the UK, where I live, he wouldn’t even be taking his A-Levels yet. He’s in no way old enough to handle the responsibility of running a country, let alone an empire-type situation. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with Beast or Belle, and I refuse to take tradition as the excuse, considering the United States/Kingdom of Auradon has only been established for twenty years. They’ve only had one king! And it’s Beast, who also didn’t become king at 16, so there’s literally no reason for Ben to be taking over now, except that Beast and Belle want him to. This is so fucking irresponsible - and unfair of them to place that pressure onto a literal child. Beast calls him a baby in the very first scene!
Then, we have the infamous family day scene. Beast and Belle give their son absolutely no support when things start going wrong, even though Leah is behaving egregiously towards children who are under their care, and in the end they blame Ben for everything that’s gone wrong, and walk away, leaving him alone.
Second movie:
They just fuck off. Their 16-17 year old son is trying to juggle managing an entire... country? empire? continent? while being a full time student and apparently also making a full tour of Auradon and making press appearances. Could he possibly need any help? Nah, time for a six month long cruise. When they do eventually come back, and something is off with Ben and Mal’s relationship, they immediately go to Mal, without taking a moment to speak to Ben about why he’s acting the way he is. From the audience’s perspective, this seems fine, since we know Uma’s probably done something to Ben. But from their perspective? Who cares about understanding their son, better make sure we comfort Mal, who is already surrounded by friends, first. (this is not me saying that Mal doesn’t deserve comfort in this scene. she’s having a super awful time. I’m just pointing out that they never seem to be in their son’s corner.)
Third Movie:
Oh good god, where do I even begin with the third film? The first scene we see them, they seem... fine. They congratulate Mal on her engagement, Belle makes some comment about finally having a daughter, Beast says well done to his son - I don’t think Belle says anything to Ben at all? Idk, it’s easy to read this charitably and say that Ben’s obviously already discussed this with them a lot, therefore there’s no reason for them to focus on him now. Mal is our main character, so we get to see their interactions with her. This is fine.
Then, the scene where Mal decides the barrier needs to be closed.
(A real-life image of me sitting through this fucking scene.)
First of all, Beast, Belle and Fairy Godmother have themselves positioned as a solid line opposite Ben. They’re literally opposing him right from the beginning. Beast instantly takes this condescending tone, as if Ben hasn’t realised that Hades almost escaping is not a great thing.
Once Ben has received his text? call? whatever that was about the crown and sceptre having being stolen, and Beast and Belle aren’t getting the reaction they want from him - Beast instantly accuses Uma of the theft and Ben defends her - they immediately turn to Mal, putting the weight of the decision on her, even though at this point she doesn’t have the authority to make the decisions. She’s engaged to the king, sure, but she’s basically just an 18 year old girl who’s just graduated high school. The second she gives them an answer they like - to close the barrier for good - they turn back to Ben and nod at him as if to say ‘see? even your girlfriend knows trying to do the right thing by those kids is a stupid idea’. The only time in this scene when Ben gets a chance to speak his mind is when he and Mal are having their conversation, away from the adults.
After Mal has done her best to talk Ben into it, Beast steps forward, and it’s here that I noticed - all the way through this film, he refers to Ben as son. Maybe that’s just meant to be a sign of affection, but in this context at least I can’t help interpreting it as Beast, at least subconsciously, trying to place Ben back into the dynamic where he has authority - father and son - rather than acknowledging Ben as the king, and therefore the one with the power to make the final choice.
And of course, we have the moment with Hades, where he refuses to move and growls, even though Hades has done nothing to warrant any kind of threat. Then, in the final scene, he objects even when it’s clear Mal and Ben are on the same page about opening the barrier. His behaviour speaks of a man who can’t handle letting go of control of any situation - and people who refuse to give up control don’t typically make great parents.
Now
I can’t say any of the behaviours I’ve listed here, like, individually depict abusive actions? But I can say that even without the books, which cast Beast (and therefore Belle, since she’s letting all this go on without speaking up) in a pretty damn negative light, when you put all of this together it’s possible to come up with a very sinister interpretation. And because these are the people who came up with, implemented, and tried to keep the idea of the Isle, I think interpreting their actions as less than just bad-parents-who-are-trying-their-best is pretty justified.
So, my interpretation is as follows:
Beast and Belle are placing their son onto the throne so young because they know he’s going to take over at some point, and if they throw him into it when he’s young, unsure of himself, and swamped with other work, he’ll depend far more on them to help him make decisions. They want to stay in control even once they’ve officially stepped down. They don’t help him during the first film because they want him doubting himself and his choices. They leave in D2 because it doesn’t really matter to them whether he’s doing okay as king or not. And by the end of D2/beginning of D3, they’ve realised Ben isn’t going to be manipulated as easily as they wanted him to, and they’ve moved on to Mal. I’ll just remind you of this:
hmmmm, Beast has been teaching Mal how to lead and it just so happens that in D3 she’s far more sympathetic to his way of thinking than she was at the end of D2. Wonder how that could have happened?
Mal, who after D1 is unsure of her place in Auradon, and no longer has the relationship with her mother that she originally depended on to guide her, is now perfectly placed to be manipulated herself, and therefore help them manipulate their son.
I know that’s just one interpretation but seriously??? When do we ever see a really genuine, happy moment between Ben and his parents where they don’t at some point cast doubt on something he does, except that one time his father congratulated him on getting engaged (to a girl he approves of)? Even at the end of D1, when Mal attempts to apologise to them outside the cathedral, Beast immediately places the focus back on Ben and his decisions - ‘I told Ben this wasn’t going to be easy’.
I guess what I’m trying to say is like... the films never take the time to properly establish that Ben has a good relationship with his parents, and so their whole relationship in the films, especially when you add the material from the first book, just ends up feeling super creepy and honestly, pretty cruel. It’s just conflict conflict conflict, without any material to properly contrast it. I don’t think Beast and Belle are in any way good people in this universe, and I certainly don’t believe they’re good parents.
#pastelbatfandoms#also while writing this post i ended up rewatching break this down and remembered just how much i loathe the ending of d3#so that was fun#king beast#queen belle#anti king beast#anti queen belle#anti fairy godmother#that one less so but like.... she's there for all of it you know?#ben#mal#h speaks#long post#disney descendants#descendants 3#descendants 2#i feel like there's still more to say but i can't think of it right now#i really hope this post doesn't come across as me lecturing you btw!!!!!!!#i'll just take any excuse to talk about how mistreated ben is bc he's one of my faves
63 notes
·
View notes
Text
bnha + tdmm gundam AU
This is an AU I wrote on the todomomo discord server eons ago. Anything posted to this blog will be transcripts of old original work and not really edited, save for formatting. I have no guarantees if I will ever finish these AUs either so these will only be kept as an archive.
Heavily inspired by Gundam SEED/Destiny
Original transcript posted to tdmm discord: Aug 2018
BNHA MECHA/MILITARY/GUNDAM AU??? FT. TDMM + OTHERS.
JUST HEAR ME OUT OK:
idk when this is set but some sci-fi au where earth is at war w some enemy people and the military uses mechs
U.A. aka United Alliance is the military organization in charge of Earth's mechs
decades ago for idk.. WW III or something, pilots enlisted in U.A. piloting giant mechs (aka H.E.R.O.S. - “high efficiency robotic operating systems”) became protectors of citizens?? some shit like that.
the top pilots made a name for themselves were namely Toshinori Yagi piloting the TPHR-ALL MIGHT at #1 and #2 Todoroki Enji piloting the FLHR-ENDEAVOR
(Bonus: TPHR for "The People's HERO" and FLHR for, you guessed it, "Flame HERO" woooo)
but during the final mecha fight that subsequently ended WW III, Toshinori Yagi was declared MIA bc his mech crash landed on some coastal shore and by the time they found ALL MIGHT, the cockpit was empty and the pilot was gone
anyway fast forward >> U.A. has a cadet school and low and behold who do we find enrolled,,, aspiring young pilots Midoriya Izuku and Bakugou Katsuki
they both heard the heroic stories of pilot Toshinori and ALL MIGHT and woooo got into U.A.
also in U.A. ofc is Todoroki Shouto whos been groomed to be a mecha pilot since age 5 courtesy of Enji. D u h. (Enji's still piloting ENDEAVOR at this time but has it pretty set that Shouto will inherit piloting his mech)
aaand ofc we get the rest of class 1A in U.A. cadet school for various reasons
ANYWAY im not going into cadet school days bc thats boring but lets say ofc top of the class pilots are Izuku Bakugou and Todoroki that aces all the flight simulations blah blah blah
Also Toshinori was found to be declared MIA to the public but actually whoop. He's at U.A. as one of the boardmembers bc ofc that’s how im making the story work. Idk he was too injured and has too much ptsd that he cant pilot anymore and is looking for the next pilot to inherit ALL MIGHT (which is fixed up by now)
NOW INTO THE ACTUAL MEAT OF THE STORY - NEW WAR (WW4? I GUESS)
CADET KIDS ARE NO LONGER CADETS. THEYRE FULL FLEDGED PILOTS NOW AND ARE THROWN INTO THE NEXT WAR BC THAT WAS PART OF WHAT THEY SIGNED UP FOR. Whos the enemy? LoV ofc but i dont have a cool name for them yet LMAOOOO
K SO new war. New battle cruisers. New mechs yayayya
U.A. has 2 new battle cruisers: Sirius A and Sirius B, designated (1-A and 1-B DUH)and duh, the crew of 1-A and 1-B is gonna be classes respectively
1-A, Aizawa is captain of the ship LMAOOOO Momo's the crew's battle analyst on comms + nav, Iida takes the helm, idk whos gonna be on weaponry yet but I kinda wanna make it Tokoyami
Izuku Bakugou and Todoroki are mecha pilots ofc
they have custom made mechs that were made for them for mostly training so the models are pretty basic compared to ALL MIGHT and ENDEAVOR but eh they do the job.
I'm doing the hero name thing again so Izuku pilots OAHR-DEKU, Todo pilots HCHR-SHOUTO and Bakugou pilots.... EXHR-K.E.KILL
bc they’re custom they got to name the mechs so friggin Bakugou. I tried LMAO (if someone can guess the acronyms, bonus points)
also hey! they have a squadron of fighter jet pilots and hey! Its the Bakusquad!!!
each of the fighters have their own names too so you guessed it, their hero namessss ha..ha..ha..ha..
OKAY more people: Hatsume Mei's their engineer. She basically built the mechs and works under Powerloader that built the cruiser ships
Gran Torino built the fighter jets lol
uhh Tsuyu's probably the crew's nurse in the infirmary or smth. Chiyo is the head military doctor back at the U.A. base??? idk
Nedzu head of U.A. Self explanatory.
Fuyumi and Natsuo are there too!!! Fuyumi's part of the cadet teaching staff. Natsuo's a fighter pilot of another fleet
Anyway, TODOMOMO IN THIS AU
they met in cadet training. Momo was working towards being an analyst anyway so naturally they paired up for training exercises as comm + pilot top of the class. Aizawa's first choices when choosing who to enlist in for the 1-A crew
every time Shouto deploys for a fight Momo's hypervigilant in keeping tabs on him in the air bc honestly the worst is seeing a laserbeam aiming for his mech's cockpit
I mean she keeps tabs on Deku and Bakugou too but. y’know she has a bias loool
and god forbid if anything were to happen to Shouto bc the worse would be for him to be MIA or KIA bc this is a war. People lose their lives. She knows its what they signed up for but if she can help him avoid it, she will
but sometimes it cant be helped. Especially since she’s navigating for the other pilots and the ship
it doesn’t help that Shouto's kinda reckless in his mech fights when they get too intense. sometimes he'll ignore his comms all together and when he does that half the time he comes out of his cockpit injured bc nuclear explosions. Recoil. Life threatening occupational hazard. D u h
Momo's basically crying by his bedside in the infirmary every time that happens
and THE ONE INSTANCE WHERE HE IS OFFICIALLY DECLARED MIA, Momo loses it
bc its his fight against the enemy mech CRHR-DABI. Its in the midst of the enemy's unexpected assault. and the 1A and 1B are taking heavy fire. So she has to focus on Aizawa's orders. and Shouto is getting out range that she cant keep tabs on him. and he's ignoring her comms. so by the end of it, by the time the enemy ships and mechs retreat, HCHR-SHOUTO is g o n e
the dust clears up. Its raining. The fighting's stopped. All of the enemy forces has retreated so U.A. calls their pilots to retreat
2 of their 3 mechs have returned to the ship except for SHOUTO. And Momo's frantically trying to get through to him. But nothing.
Aizawa orders her to stop trying. they'll send out a search team to investigate his last known location after everyone rests. Repairs to 1A and the mechs need to be made. They have to make haste, but for now, rest.
all the logistical post-battle crap is cared for first. Status reports, repair agenda, the next battle plan. The search team is sent out.
nothing.
they keep looking.
nothing for days.
keep looking.
they find it. HCHR-SHOUTO in a lake torn to shambles. The cockpit cut open. Blood stains trail out toward the forest it crashed in but no pilot nearby. (Bc hell ya im gonna recycle tropes loool)
Todoroki Shouto declared missing in action.
Momo gets the update and she’s devastated
but theres no time to mourn. A second enemy attack.
the Orion fleet is called in. ENDEAVOR's fleet.
and there he is. that mech. CRHR-DABI. again.
DABI VS ENDEAVOR wooooooooooooo
but this time its nearby the city. Civilians need to be evacuated. WGHR-HAWKS assists in protecting the city as much as possible.
but yup ENDEAVOR gets destroyed too. Enji comes out of his cockpit in critical condition. and the enemy retreats again.
more aftermath. More repairing, more strategies, more recovering the injured. Its a war after all.
U.A. works on building a new mech. ENDEAVOR #2. But Enji has to officially retire from piloting due to his head injury.
and his successor is missing.
there is no pilot.
that is until Shouto shows up again!!!!
he has new scar on the left side of his face.
he saw ENDEAVOR's fight.
he’s alive. He’s come back. And he's out to take down DABI.and you bet he made his dramatic reappearance like:
Aizawa, at a battle meeting with Momo, Nedzu, Toshinori and other UA officials: "Tell me Nedzu. what choices do we have? Enji is compromised. His successor is missing. We're out of pilots. Who’s going to pilot the second ENDEAVOR?"
Todo, walking casually through the door: "I will."
After thoughts:
hi yes pls imagine all the pilots in skin tight pilot suits and helmets bc HAHAHHAA NGL THAT WAS THE 5% MOTIVATION OF ME COMING UP WITH THIS AU 👀
also momo in a military uniform 👀
the mechs look like their hero uniforms. OAHR-DEKU is green & white in colour. EXHR-K.E.KILL is black & orange. HCHR-SHOUTO is red blue silver.
TPHR-ALL MIGHT is gold & royal blue. FLHR-ENDEAVOR is blue red and orange.
CRHR-DABI is grey and purple and is piloted by Touya who else would it be
the fleet that i said Natsuo was a part of is the Orion fleet.. Enji's fleet
now that I think about it, Aoyama is probably the designer behind the pilot suits
Shouto names the 2nd ENDEAVOR mech HCHR-REI after his mom
his mom is a civilian and is very much alive kthx Im not pulling some EVA shit here ok
> bonus tdmm mecha NSFW
> archives masterpost
#todomomo#todoroki shouto#momo yaoyorozu#ruiyukis unfinished aus#IDK man just take it#this was from when i finished vld s7 and gave me mecha au vibes#things that wouldnt leave me alone
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
mtmte liveblog issue 9
back at it again, and its time for the shadowplay arc, HELL yeah
oh I'm so excited i love this arc lets DO this
oooh its nightbeat and quark!! way before they become relevant, which is so cool
‘one of those recepticon fanatics’ lmao imagine if they were...the recepticons. just doesn't have the same ring to it
god i fucking love all the politics of mtmte. i love how they’re talking about the senate here before we really get to See how bad they were (we heard a bit about it from whirl a few issues ago, and now here)
love how nightbeat is pretty much agreeing with the decepticon ideology here, even if its clear that he isn't Actually a decepticon - it just drives home the fact that, in this story, The Decepticons Were Right About A Lot Of That Stuff (or at least, they had a reason other than ‘destruction’ for rebelling).
AND THEN THERES RUNG!!!!!!! WITH HIS MODEL OF THE LOST LIGHT....god i fuckgin LOVE the continuity in this story bc the first time reading this ur like oh ok rung is old yea makes sense...but then later all the time travel stuff happens and then its like OHHHHH
damn poor rung nightbeat can rlly tell he's lonely just by looking at him vbhjdkdfhbjsjkdf geez. also nightbeat that's ur mystery stick bf from the future js!!
quarks extreme POV on all of the stuff is so interesting, and makes so much sense bc of Course he would think that as a non-combatant scientist who, due to his functional value in current society, wouldn't really benefit much from a revolution - in fact, he’d probably lose a lot. and that’s the sort of thing where you’re like, ok well think about everyone else dude, have some perspective - but at the same time, quark did suffer a pretty terrible fate, so his fears weren't entirely unfounded...augh, its so fascinating...im sorry I'm not gonna shut up about space robot politics this Entire time
HOW did nobody notice that dead body before now
ratchet spray-painting the hands he stole from pharma to match his own paintjob is like...kinda gruesome if you think about it hvbhsjkdfbkjdf
i love rewind sooo much oh my god
he rlly stashed rung’s comatose body in a wheelchair behind the bar hbkjdhfbshjkdf rewind
rewind and chromedome’s tag-team explanation....ough hhhhh THEM
wait a sec, rewind, you have medical records in your database? that is, at least according to regular medical laws, very illegal lmao. my favorite long-running theme in mtmte: the fact that hipaa and osha laws on cybertron are either basically nonexistent, or just universally disregarded
what the actual fuck is up w/cybertronian time units. that shit is wack as hell
ooh i love how chromedome looks different in the flashback - no shoulder tires! - that's a cool detail
how come prowl just said ‘minute,’ rewind was busting it up w/all the wack ass fantasy time units just a second ago. geez
also goddd i love the scenery of pre-war cybertron, its SUCH a cool setting like, visually and aesthetically and politically
like, i adore details like the sign in the bg that says ‘everyone’s shape serves a purpose.’ really adds to the ‘society on the precipice of civil war currently controlled by an increasingly-desperate faction who are doling out propaganda like crazy in an attempt to maintain their image and control over the populace’ vibe
good ole murder mystery setup. love it!
pre-war prowl is such an interesting character. actually prowl in general is such an interesting character...I kinda wrote him off during my first read of mtmte (and even a little during my second readthru) as just this dude who’s an asshole (espec bc my prev tf experience involved watching tfa as a kid, and this prowl is very different from tfa prowl lol)...but prowl is SUCH a multi-faceted and interesting character, even in the relatively little we see of him in mtmte
plus it was interesting to learn later that prowl was one of the characters that jro wanted for mtmte and didn't get, and MAN i wish he got prowl bc I would've loved to see what jro would've done w/prowl on the lost light, that would've been amazing. like, just imagine the arc he would have...I have no idea what that arc would BE, but I know it would be awesome. plus I’d be really interested to see how prowl would factor in, relationships-wise, amongst the crew of the lost light. so much potential!
anyways. I'm in a very talky mood tonight it seems. its currently 4 am so that kinda explains it. ok, moving on!
chromedome and prowl bantering....in their own morbid forensic-cop way...
skids bvhjdbsfjasf. speaking what we’re all thinking: is prowl gonna keep showing up in mtmte despite not technically being part of the cast??
swerves drawing of prowl lmaoooo
AND THEN REWIND IN SOME OF MY FAVORITE MTMTE PANELS....fuckgin cracks me up every time god. rewind was rlly about to flip their entire ass table just to demonstrate that prowl is a serial table-flipper...and then he cant even make the table budge and he just stares at his hands like ‘how could you betray me like this’ hvbajkhhsfdhksdf PEAK hilarity
drift hvbshfdjbasdfj his forcibly cheery expression even tho he’s being harassed by rodimus, who is a big whiny toddler w/drift lmao
rodimus is the type of guy who, upon drift not replying to one of his texts, would post a whole twitter thread being all like ‘these days u cant trust any1 to hav ur back...u think u kno someone and then they just ghost you...(1/14)’
again, rewind, HOW and WHY do you just Have medical reports, oh my god, somebody please call a hipaa agent I’m scared,
ratchet interrupting the story to give a quick medical PSA....that's Such an on-brand thing for Me to do that I feel like jro is assigning me ratchet kin as I read this
also, hey, its sonic and boom, those two decepticons from delphi! nice little continuity there
AND HERES ORION PAX SUPER COP
can’t believe idw made my dad optimus prime into a cop. smh. shouldn't be that shocked tho, I feel like half the idw characters are cops
orion rlly hit them w/the omae wa mo shinderu arrest strat
orion: I cant believe you're beating this guy up. anyways, now I'm gonna beat YOU up,
when ratchet puts his hand over drifts mouth and then gets spray paint on drifts face bhjdfsvsdjhfgbjdskf
pre-war ratchet and drift ;_; ratchet’s little inspirational speech...the fact that he tells drift that he’s special...the fact that drift remembered all of this even after 4 million+ yrs...it gets me bro it GETS me
ALSO the layers in the fact that drift then goes on to become a well-known murderous decepticon...so this little scene of him and ratchet in the past gives a lot of context to ratchet’s general attitude towards drift - ratchet clearly feels at least somewhat responsible for all the blood on drift’s hands, since he saved drift’s life way back in the day
the whole relinquishment clinic thing is such cool worldbuilding, bc of course that's the kind of thing that would develop in a society of robot aliens who are only allowed to work within the rigid confines of their alt mode
I love the whole matrix thing bc its kinda like being the pope or st but also you have a ton of political sway, so its a super important position, so of Course the corrupt senate would want full control over that power, and would assassinate the current prime to try to get their own guy in
god vhbhjsdkbgshjdf rodimus is such a dick lmao poor drift
HHHHH I love that the cybertronian version of an autopsy is taking the dudes body apart into the smallest components and laying them all out. that's so fucking cool
hmmmm chromedome maybe you should Not be interested in mnemology, how about that,
oh god. time to start being sad about op and senator shockwave. oh god
senator shockwave more like senator sexy
also the first time I read this I thought I had just missed his name and like halfway thru the story I went back and scoured the pages looking for it hbvhsjdfbshgfdsbj then I was like oh ok so we’re maybe supposed to just know who this guy is from another comic? but NOPE it was very deliberate and I only realized very close to the end that they were setting up some sort of reveal
its funny bc normally I'm not a huge fan of stories where politics play a huge role but I fuckgin love it here, the politics and worldbuilding is all so interesting and also balanced out with a healthy dose of cool sci-fi hijinks, so
lmao there's chromedome being obsessed w/people making the ‘pfft’ sound
also wow yet more hindsight, maybe you Shouldn’t be so interested in the Institute, chromedome,
OHHHH shit I forgot abt the red alert stuff happening at the same time as this :( :( :(
AUGHHH what a fucked up situation. god
oooof i gotta continue now!! what a solid issue, I love the shadowplay arc
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Protect Me, My Aurora
Pairing: Reader x Hongjoong
Word count: 2.3k
Genre: Angst, light angst, kinda fluff but not really
Summary: Hongjoong struggles to move on without you
Warning: Mentions of loss, grief, death
A/n: I cried writing this, edited it and cried more. Then I listened to Aurora and I cried again. I basically cried the entire time. Also bold = flashback.
He had spent so long trying to recover but it just wasn’t going to happen. Every night he thought about you, every night he wished you were by his side, every second that passed he wished he could spend it with you. Days passed, then weeks, then months, then a year. He had spent a year trying to forget you desperately. His mind would go blank when he saw something that reminded him of you, his heart would ache when he would think of you, his soul yearning for you whenever he remembered how it ended.
He never imagined what his life would be like if you left, but now he had to face the pain with every passing moment. He missed your touch, your voice, your warmth; he missed you. But how was he supposed to get you back to him? He wondered every day what it would be like if you hadn't left. All he could do was replay the memories you shared together since that was what was left.
"Hongjoong-ah." You walked into the toilet in one of his sweaters that was too big for you. You wrapped your arms around his waist as he brushed his teeth. "Good morning." You sighed, pressing your cheek to his bare back. He washed his mouth and placed his toothbrush in the cup before turning to you,
"Good morning, (Y/n)." He smiled as he hugged you back, pressing a soft kiss on your head. "How are you feeling, jagiya?" He asked as he pulled away, inspecting the cut on your nose. You smiled as you moved your head away,
"I'm better now that you're here." You giggled. "You are my medicine." You leaned up and pressed a kiss to his nose, "You make me feel better. My aurora."
He was broken as he sat in his bedroom, forcing himself not to look through the old photos you shared together. He sat on the messy covers, his knees to his chest as he stared at the drawer of his dresser that held a box containing all that he had left of you. The sweater you would always wear sitting on his lap as he took in your scent. He needed to move on but he couldn't.
"Joongie-ah, which one is nicer?" You walked out of the bedroom in your robe, holding up two dresses. He looked at the navy blue one, then at the white one,
"You're still gonna look beautiful in whichever." He shrugged but it wasn't the answer you were looking for.
"Joong, I'm serious!" You pouted at him. You wanted to look nice since you were attending an awards show with Hongjoong, an awards show where ATEEZ were nominated and you were sure they were going to win.
"The navy blue one is lovely, Jagiya."
He reached into his bedside table and pulled out a notebook. He flipped through the pages, stopping at one of the songs he had written. Aurora. He remembered how excited you were when you first heard it. Despite writing it for ATINY, he knew he wrote it for you as well. He was struggling before he met you. Being the only trainee at KQ was hard enough, he had the pressure of leading his group members. When he accidentally bumped into you at a cafe, spilling coffee all over you he wondered now whether it was fate that brought you two together. You pulled him out of the darkness and surrounded him with light, keeping him safe from all his bad thoughts.
“Shit!” He frantically tried to catch the falling cup but it was too late. Your crop top was covered in iced coffee, goosebumps forming on your skin from how cold it was. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” He quickly grabbed tissues and handed them to you.
“I-It’s okay. Today’s not my day.” You let out a small laugh as you started to dab the coffee off of your white shirt. He was looking at his phone when he turned around, unaware of your presence right behind him and he ended up bumping right into you, spilling your coffee all over you.
“I’m so sorry, I’ll buy you a new drink.” He quickly turned around before you could say anything and you just let him.
“An iced mocha.” You spoke out at him, loudly enough that he would hear you and he nodded, heading straight to the cashier.
His mind was suddenly being overwhelmed with all the times you spent together as he read through the messy, scribbled lyrics of Aurora in his notebook. His tears were dripping onto the page and onto the writing.
“Joongie-ah, this is so nice! How did you come up with it?” You asked, your face showing pure awe and admiration as you listened to the new song he had come up with.
“We were performing one day and I looked at the crowd. It looked like they had some kind of aurora surrounding them.” He smiled, wrapping his arms around your waist as he pulled you into him, “I also thought about you a lot while I was writing this song. You make me really happy, jagiya.” Your face was quick to blush, not knowing how to react.
“You think of me as an aurora?” You asked.
“I think of you as something that brought light to my darkness. Your light protects me from all my negative thoughts.” He smiled, bumping his nose to yours, “You protect me. You feel like an aurora.”
His hand was running along the page before he couldn’t take it anymore. He shut the book and placed it on the bed, his head in his hands as he sobbed. It was too much. There was a hole in his chest and no one but you could fill it. His spark was being put out without you with him. He was losing himself without you.
“(Y/n)? Jagiya?” He stepped into your shared apartment to see you wrapped in multiple blankets a mug of tea in your hands.
“Joongie-ah!” You called and he quickly stepped out of his shoes and towards you. “It’s scary.” You pouted and pointed to the TV, showing a horror movie playing. He chuckled at you,
“Why didn’t you wait for me to come home first?” He sat himself beside you and you immediately scrambled out of the blankets to cling onto him.
“I thought I could prove to you that I don’t scare ea-” You cut yourself off with a scream when a jumpscare popped up and buried your face in his chest.
“You definitely proved yourself, (Y/n).” He laughed as he held you.
He got up from his bed and grabbed his car keys, not sure of where he was going but he needed to get out of the apartment. He wiped his tears away, glad that none of his neighbours were in the lift with him. He quickly walked out of the lift and into his car, igniting the engine and driving out of the parking lot without hesitation. He was still unsure of where he was going as he cried, struggling to see through his tears as he drove.
“Joongie, be careful.” You whined as he pretended to swerve the car playfully, making you squeal. “Im serious!” You slapped his arm lightly as he laughed.
“I’m always careful when you’re here, (Y/n).” He poked his tongue out at you, giving you his free hand to hold while he drove. “I’ll stop now, okay?”
“Promise?” You held out your pinkie at him when he reached a traffic light.
“I promise, my aurora.” He wrapped his pinkie around yours with a smile on his face.
The car stopped at the side of the road, his head dropping to the steering wheel as he cried. He stepped out of the car and dragged his legs across the grass and up the hill. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and fell to his knees in the grass. He looked up at the night sky, trying to stop his tears. He looked around the familiar spot, more memories flooding him
“Keep your eyes closed, jagiya.” He smiled as he guided you up the hill.
“You’re responsible if I trip, Joongie.” You said as you kept your eyes closed, making a chuckle leave his lips as he stopped. He moved your hands off of your face to reveal a picnic mat neatly laid over the grass with plates and a pair of wine glasses. “Joongie,” You gasped at the sight.
“Happy anniversary, (Y/n).” He sat you down, pulling out a wine bottle from the picnic basket, filling up the glass. He handed you one of the glasses and raised his own, clinking them together. “These two years have been amazing. I’m so glad that I bumped into you that day.”
“I am too.” You smiled as you sipped on the wine.
He looked at the ground after he realised where he was; this was not where he wanted to be. He pulled himself off of the ground and stumbled into the car, starting the ignition and stepping on the pedal. He drove once again, his car halting in front of the cafe. His heart stopped, his breathing halted and he stared at the doors of the closed cafe. He remembers your meeting so well. All the dates that happened in this cafe, all of the surprise parties that happened at this cafe. But he knew this was not the right place. He stepped on the pedal, his mind still trying to figure out where his heart was taking him.
His car halted for the last time that night and he looked at the sight of the location in front of him. He turned off his car and climbed out, walking into the place his heart wanted to be in. As he walked closer, it played in his head.
“(Y/n)-ah?” He called for you when he stepped into the apartment. He pulled his phone out of the pocket at the sound of the ring and answered it without looking at the caller I.D.
“Hyung,” Jongho’s voice ran through the speaker, “You need to come down here now.” He didn’t even listen to the rest of the what his younger member had to say and he was bolting to his car. He had never driven so fast before. He barely had enough sense to park his car properly as he barged into the building, pushing past all the people inside he found Jongho and Seonghwa sitting at the benches with their heads in their hands.
“Where is she?” Hongjoong asked them. Both of their heads lifted up at the sound of his voice,
“She’s in there. We can’t go in but we can look through the window.” Seonghwa stood up and brought Hongjoong to the window looking into the Intensive Care Unit that you were lying in. He felt his heart break at the sight of you on the other side, multiple tubes stuck into your mouth as the doctors were desperately trying to keep you alive.
“No,” Hongjoong whimpered out, helpless as all he could do was watch. He didn’t move away from the window for the next four hours until the doctor came out, his legs were aching from standing but he didn’t care.
“She’s awake. You can come in and see her if you like.” He opened the door to the ICU and Hongjoong ran inside.
“(Y/n), jagiya,” He practically fell to the side of the bed as he took your hand in his. Your head slowly turned to him,
“Joongie,” You whispered, your voice unable to get any louder with the tube that was pumping oxygen into your lungs stuck down your throat.
“Jagiya, what happened?” He asked, standing up and brushing your messy hair. Your head instinctively leaned into his touch as a tear ran down your face.
“Joongie,” Your hand shakily brought him closer to you. “Hongjoongie, I’m always going to protect you, okay?” You whispered into his ear. He pulled away and stared at you in disbelief, already knowing what was happening.
“(Y/n), please, just hold on a little longer. Please. Jagiya, don’t let go just yet.” His tears were streaming onto your hand as he shakily pressed your hand to his lips.
“I promise I will never let anything happen to you. Like you said, I’m your aurora.” You were crying yourself, the tears difficult to stop. “I love you so much, Kim Hongjoong. I’m sorry, but I have to leave now.” Hongjoong brought himself up, pressing one last kiss to your lips and pressing his forehead to yours as you drew your last breath. He shakily brought your knuckles to his lips once again, kissing your hand repeatedly as he held on to whatever of you he could.
“My aurora,” He sobbed into your hand, “My aurora.”
He fell to his knees on the ground, staring at your grave. Your name was engraved in the tombstone, the years you were alive written right under. He placed his hand on the tombstone, his heart finally being where it wanted to be. His hand shakily ran over the engravings, his lips parting but unable to form words as they trembled. His tears were watering the soil, his head hanging low as he cried.
“Jagiya, it’s been a whole year.” He managed to make out, “I still miss you. Everyday I miss you more and everyday I wish I could’ve been there earlier to save you. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you when all you did was protect me.” His words were choked, his throat was hoarse from the crying and his face was swollen. His couldn’t stop the tears even if he actually tried. “My life feels like nothing without you, everyday I wonder about what it would be like if you were still here.” His hands moved to gently touch the wilting flowers that laid right atop your grave. “But I know you’re still here when you can be. I can feel your presence. Your aurora. I can only ask so much from you and you promised me.” He pulled his knees to his chest, lowering his head,
“The one last thing that I ask of you. The only thing that I will forever ask of you,”
Protect me, my Aurora.
나를 감싸줘, my Aurora
#ateez#ateez hongjoong#kim hongjoong#ateez imagines#ateez reactions#ateez scenarios#ateez fanfic#fanfiction#kpop imagines
145 notes
·
View notes
Text
CPA update (30th August 2019)
I did not plan to write this this evening but I needed to get this out somewhere.
I know I haven’t been very present online and I can only apologise for that but as you can imagine things have been quite challenging since being admitted. I had my first CPA so I thought I would make a little post to help me begin to process it/get some thoughts down....(warning: very long post ahead, snacks may be necessary, and I am sorry if it does not read well/make much sense, I literally just typed my heart out)
For those who are not sure of what one is, a CPA is basically a care plan review where your treatment team review the past few weeks/months (time since the last review) and then start to plan the next stages of your care. It is a chance for different members of your treatment to meet and make sure that everyone is on the same page. Today my CPA consisted of my consultant, one of the nursing staff from the ward, the OP ED nurse I was seeing before I came in, myself and my parents. The first half of the review was just between professionals, I was then called into the room for a discussion followed by my parents nearer the end.
It is hard to remember what I have shared online so I am sorry if some of the things I mention do not make sense but I will try to cover most of what happened.
I had my ward round on Thursday (due to the bank holiday weekend just gone), in which a lot of new ideas were brought to the table as, well, no one really knows what to do with me… A week or so ago I wrote a letter to my consultant as I was beginning to worry about what the plan was for when I was discharged (as it was being implied that I was to be discharged over the next few weeks)/that my community team were not replying to any messages and that I was concerned about going back home to live at my parents house.
My main worries with returning home were mainly because it is a place where I have been unwell for many years and I find that when I go back there it is almost like anorexia snaps back without me realising it/I can’t control it. Sadly due to being unwell at home for years, I do associate home with bad things, I also do not currently have no goals or things to be working towards (i.e. I have no education to go back to, no job lined up or thought about to go back to) and the worry is that I would be going back home to just anorexia and relapsing backwards. Throw into the mix that my mum retired last week, as well as the family dynamics always being quite rocky (along with being geographically being incredibly socially isolated), I think it is fair to say that I was extremely worried about the prospect of home leave let alone moving back home permanently and with very limited outpatient support.
A long story short, my consultant agrees that going back home is likely not going to help me move on/recover/give me a chance of living a life beyond this, however she also does not believe that staying in an acute EDU will help (which I do understand). In terms of why she thinks that being on the unit for longer might not help include that my weight has not been reaching the targets that are expected, I am struggling on leave/when I get given more control, as well as the usual pitfalls of being on an EDU like being trapped around a lot of other acutely unwell people, having the identity reinforced and the lack of responsibility/it not necessarily coming from me. I floated the idea of going to live in Reading with Andi however she shot me down straight away at that stage saying that I was far too unwell for that…
Anyway, to get to the point, she wants to apply for funding for me to go into residential treatment. This is not something that I know much about, although I do know that getting funding for a place is very very hard and that there are very few places that offer it in the country….from what she explained to me it is a more holistic approach, with the focus on helping you build a life beyond anorexia whilst also supporting you nutritionally. (it sounds far too fairytale-esque for my liking…)She said that as I have had a lot of psychological input and have been under services with very few gaps over the years, that it was obvious that a new approach was needed and that this style might be that. Apparently I have incredible insight/understanding however because the anorexic neural pathways/cognitions have become so strong and rigid, I find it near impossible to force myself to follow through with the theory that I know so well.
I honestly have no idea how I feel right now.
I am utterly lost and confused and don’t really know what to do with myself.
I feel like no one knows what to do with me/what will help and they are just trying to get rid of me.
I want to recover, I really do. My consultant said that it is not that I don’t want to or don’t have motivation, but that it is the degree of severity of the illness and the complexity of my case, which kind of helped but also left me feeling very broken and hopeless.
She tried to explain all of this to my parents today and I am actually relieved that she was able to speak to them about it as there is no way that I would have been able to approach the subject. She explained it in scientific terms and tried to be realistic about the whole process (which could likely take months to apply for funding, let alone get on the waiting list/pass assessments).
My OP team are apparently supportive of this and are going to work together with the IP team, my consultant and the therapist I was seeing as an OP to put together a proposal for the CCG. Sadly, as I have mentioned this is going to be quite a lengthy process and I don’t really know where it leaves me…If this were not being explored then I would be getting discharged to the same very minimal support that I have had over the past x years, which has not been enough in the past.
So what now? Good question.
Basically I have been told that I have to “prove” to the CCG that I am not just in need of an acute EDU admission and that the funding would not be going to waste…this means that I have to show that I can maintain my weight in the community (or gain if possible) as if I were to relapse they would likely just say that I need an acute admission and refuse the funding, leaving me back at square one.
This admission was never going to be a long one, I knew that, but part of me was hoping for a bit longer…I suppose it has brought to the surface the necessity for a different approach to be explored, which I hope means something. Basically my admission can’t be extended, that has been made clear, and I now have a discharge date for two weeks time…with little to no idea of time length beyond that in regards to this talk of residential.
I honestly don’t know what to think or how to feel right now, I really don’t. Part of me thinks that they are making a big fuss over nothing and that there is no way that I will get funding as there are so many people out there with far worse scenarios than mine who need it more. At least I have a home to go to, I know there are many people who dont, so I should really just suck it up and try and do what I can at home with the support that I have.
I have no idea what the residential would entail practically but I am worried that it could end up feeding into my eating disorder even more? I know the reason for the admission would be to help me build a life beyond anorexia, but surely being stuck in a place like that almost reinforces that identity? I dont know, I am very confused about everything right now :(
Short term plan: I have an appointment set up with the ED nurse I am to see in the community for Monday morning and have been given a bit of extra leave this weekend to make it possible for me to attend. When I return to the ward on Monday afternoon I will be moving onto transition and have been promised that I will have a number of appointments with the dietitian over my last two weeks in order to create a realistic maintenance plan for when I go home (as well as trying to get my mum to attend an appointment with the two of us). I am also trying to get an appointment for my mum to come to a family therapy session (they have pretty much written off my dad as someone who can be supportive for a number of reasons which I do not want to go into right now)
Being on transition hopefully will give me a bit of an opportunity to self-cater some meals and practice before I move back home for the foreseeable future.
It all feels very rushed and uncertain and I was not expecting to get this much leave this weekend so don’t really know what to do with myself but yeah I suppose this is where things are at. The ward has been quite a tricky environment so on the one hand I am glad to have some space, however Im also worried about it too.
I am sorry, I realise that this whole post probably comes across as extremely selfish and stupid - I wish I could shake myself/pull myself together and just do what I know I need to do but whywhywhy do I keep ending up back in the same place time and time again? I have tried so bloody hard over the past x years but it has never been enough….I do not want to end up being sent to a unit where I will spend months/my consultant briefly mentioned that admissions are usually between 1 and 2 years long…I really dont. but I dont know what else to do with myself when so many options have been explored. I am tired of it all, of everything. It is like I dont know where to turn anymore. Part of me feels like I am just getting palmed off from place to the next because no body knows what to do with me. sigh. I am sorry for throwing this pity party. I wish I had some more positive news to share with you all. I suppose yes I have made some progress since I was admitted. I have gained weight. I am no longer in as much danger as I was. I have had to face a lot of changes in terms of routines, eating different foods, times, I can think a little clearer, I have more concentration etc. Things are just very hard at the moment and having everything in terms of my treatment thrown up in the air like this has made me feel even more unsettled and uncertain about everything. I have no idea what the next few weeks/months may hold so for now I am going to have to continue to take each day as it comes and see where it takes me. Sorry again for the ridiculous length of this post, you genuinely deserve a gold medal if you have stuck with me through this.
#personal#tw#tw just in case#long post#I am sorry for being so rubbish and not updating or posting much#things havent been very good#and I am struggling more than I care to admit#thank you for sticking by me though#you have no idea how much it means to me#sorry if this does not make sense
35 notes
·
View notes
Note
SHOW US YOUR WROR RAW UNPROCESSED WHOLE GRAIN ORGANIC NOTES
this is going to be a long-ass post i am so sorry to Everyone! i take a lot of notes.
So, as You specifically know (as well as all of my lovely Soggers) I take a LOT of notes. Obsessively. I write fucking everything bc i have very little memory and very much paranoia. This results in literal Piles of notes. Raw planning, on paper, on my phone– doodles of scenes im brainstorming, bulletpoints, entire SCRIPTS– it’s all there but scattered (I’ve got scenes planned in the margins of my goddamn anthropology notes and deciphering it was a NIGHTMARE)
I won’t even upload all the photos of my writing notebook, because itd be like 50 pages of illegible nonesense. but heres a couple of planning phase pages. (may be hard to read, I dropped this notebook both into some tidepools, into a creek on campus, and accidentally leaked my waterbottle onto it in my backpack :/)
if you can’t tell already, yes they all look exactly like this. Some are even more illegible, because I wrote them with the notebook half under my actual class notes. Because i wrote most of them in class. During lectures. And pretending very badly that i was not doing exactly that. (pay attention in class please i got away with this bc i was filling up elective units)
I’m also flat out MISSING a large portion of my notes bc some of it? isnt even in the damn notebook. its on a sheet of binder paper, or on the empty back of an assignment. I’ve now lost most of those notes, but the ones i do still have are just as (even more, actually) indecipherable chicken scratch:
Wow, how clean and tidy and easy to follow! i am in hell.
and this doesnt mention the PAGES and PAGES of outlines that are on my laptop, and the pages of outlined scenes that are on the notes app of my phone. if i put them all, you would have entire chapter spoilers up to the very end of the story so i cant post a lot of them– and also theres just a goddamn lot of them. currently i have 16 pages of outlining. There are no spacing breaks. It is a solid 16 page block of text. Looking at it gives me a migraine.
some assorted notes which i have dredged up from the deleted parts of the main draft google doc go all the way back to when i started Wror in June and they are Barely more readable than my handwriting on sheer account of: articulation is not my strength. These include:
“Ch 8 plan: sabo gets trained specially, awakens his armament haki, beats ace in a bunch of spars and proves himself to be anything but vulnerable. The boys are like “we fucking recognize that technique ryu taught you before us!!” and goad ryu into finally starting them both on basic haki training, just to awaken it, since sabo already has. Also this is the chapter that ace finally confronts ryu for his devil fruit after ryu confirms that some devil fruit users can’t be hurt without haki and ace immediately catches onto that and tries to slam his pipe through ryus head. It doesn’t work, ryu catches the weapon with a haki covered hand, to avoid turning to flame with hit and ace just gets frustrated and accuses ryu of hiding his devil fruit, because he remembers what he saw in grey terminal and that now that he has seen haki he can distinguish it from what he saw and he’s sure no one could do what ryu did. He calls ryu a hypocrite for coddling them even after telling them to stop coddling sabo and ryu has to sit them down and explain that yes he does have powers and he has been hdiing it and explains his reasoning. However instead of understanding th eboys just get fired up and say they don’t wnt to be scared of fire, especially not when it means ryu isn’t taking them seriously in a spar. Ryu finally agrees to start them on desensitization training for fire trauma. Fire desensitization training happens on the beach, so that they have water nearby in case things get out of hand. At some point ace gives ryu a considering look and is just like “if you have a devil fruit that means you can’t swim either right?” and ryu is basically just like “lmao yeah” and then ace immediately attempts to drown him. Lots of murder attempts in ace’s department toget his older brother to be less of an idiot with little success lol(extra: ace tried to attack ryu earlier both to confirm that ryu has a devil fruit that would force him to use haki to hide it, and because he now knows that he CAN’T hurt ryu without haki and as thus can’t beat him and make him admit he’s awake without being good at haki.)” [chapter 8]
“Small sabo lost his hat and goggles in the incident and while he doesn’t remember having them future sabo notices he looks uncomfortable and keeps touching his hair and head. Ace yells at him for it thinking he bandaging are bothering him and that he can’t touch them but little sabo just comments that something about it feels wrong. Luffy blurts our that he had a hat, like luffy does, But he doesn’t now ace begrudgingly mentions that they can’t get a new one in town. Future sabo doesn’t even hesitate and just plops his own hat onto his younger selves head. It clearly too big for him, and almost falls over his eyes but he grins up at future sabo and is like “wow!! Thank you! I’ll take care of it till I have one of my own” and creates a paradox like Luffys own hat. The footsteps younger sabo has yet to fill. This HAS to happen AFTER the talk where they explain that future and past sabo are both the same person, to give little sabo that pressure.” [chapter 9]
“(Right after this older sabo takes them down to the ocean so that they can play a little and desensitize themselves and immediately fucks himself over when he goes weak in the water bc he somehow fucking forgot his own devil fruit again and now even younger sabo is on his case about not letting him near the fucking ocean that little goddamn HYPOCRITE—) )” [for chapter 9]
“Ch 9 plan: they finally leave dawn island. Starts with the boys getting a haircut after training and luffy mentions how long it’s been since they’ve last needed a haircut, giving sabo and ace time to point out that it’s been 2 months now since ryu joined them, and that sabo was completely healed by now. The boys are now aware of the basics of haki, and while luffy hasnt awakened either yet ace and sabo both have a little bit of weak armament haki. (sabo won’t awaken observational haki until he gets his memories back) ryu tries to sneak off into the city to steal a boat but his brothers refuse to leave him behind and keep sneaking out after him, not wanting him to go alone and saying that since he’s been training them they’re clearly stronger and he needs to let them do this. Ryu eventually just lets it go because why the fuck not it’s a dream and they make him feel better. They get the boat out on open ocean and finally fucking sail out, cheering loudly, ryu struggling to make them all calm down but also not really trying. He’s happy as shit, and they’re all so excited and happy and sabo dips a hand into the waves and then smiles so fucking wide and tackles ryu so violently they both nearly tip into the water and it’s just very very good. “ [also for ch 9]
** I flat out dont Have any outlining from before chapter 6, because i only started actually outling chapters after that. i tend to just sit down and Write up until i hit a plot point or writers block and then am forced to actually think it through and plan rather than letting it come naturally. thats also why the quality and editing is better in later chapters despite everything being written within the same time frame.
besides entire chapter outlines, there are the scene specific phone notes like:
“(ADDED) Right after they leave dawn, when sabo is sure they’ve gotten enough of a head start, he calls Garp. He doesn’t say who he is, but that all of the boys are safe and happy with him and has them all talk into the phone to assure him that they’re fine. Garp is honestly just pissed off he doesn’t know who’s calling and when he asks sabo just laughs and says a disobedient brat before hanging up. “
“(ADDED) TO EXPAND ON CH 3: sabo gets offered the chance to go with dragon, and he hesitates on the offer to go through with his previous life with the family he’s made in the revolutionary again. He almost agrees, because the bought of losing them in this lifetime is near excruciating but reminds himself swiftly that it’s no place for his brothers and not what they’d really want, and he wants selfishly to be with them as long as he Can until he “inevitably” wakes up. The boys are visibly relieved by this, especially ace. (Sabo gets asked who he is by dragon, who wants to know more about the stranger with his son, but dragon has always been quicker to make connections no one guessed and he just smiled knowingly at sabo and tells him he’s sure the other will have no trouble finding them if he’s in need. Sabo in turn warns him to keep Kuma close, and to look for a slave girl named koala.)”
I have…. many of these. I have Many of Everything.
finally, i have scene doodles. if i hit a bad writers block it usually helps me to sketch scenes or the character designs to regain my grip on what the hell is happening in the plot– Breach of Intention has character design sketches, pakcbond has MANY scene sketches, even some of my nsfw has some sketches. my wror skecthes arent Good of course, I am an art teacher for children and that means i am more often explaining the color wheel and brush techniques over drawing perfect human replicas– and i just dont really make a lot of fanart? ive never drawn sabo before but i sure have a bunch now. i wont include close ups because they genuinely suck but heres an example pic
So… yeah thats about everything. this is a VERY long post and yet i only included like maybe ¼ or 1/5 of all the notes i have dbskhjgfkjadns lmk if anyone wants more (or notes for my Other stories, which contain NO WHERE the same absurd amount of shit that wror does.)
#depths' ask#response#idk what to even tag this honestly?? this post is such a mess abhdsjfgdkjn#thanks mido love u dear 💕🎉 im gonna want some damn notes on second chances heads up#wror#wror stockpile#touchmycoat#i started this response at goddamn 3:52am and its now 4:40am#it took me. almost an HOUR#oh my god
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
okay, y’all, i’ve gotta back on my tl;dr bullshit soapbox about something:
so, the other day, i was just mindlessly scrolling through my corporate & capitalist hellscape facebook™️ (i.e. LinkedIn) and came across this totally trite mostly bullshit meme that was shared by some corporate executive search man (whose name i decided to crop out bc eh):
so i obviously agree with the last three points on this list, bc god yes my life would’ve been a bit better if I didn’t get all my dialogue about mental health only from teen mags and horrible portrayals in teen tv shows (and also this hellsite). and hell yeah everyone, and I mean EVERYONE needs to learn that failure is okay many situations (like failing a class in uni or school) bc everyone fails at something sometimes. and dealing with failure is HARD. and time management is something that I’m pretty sure everyone lies to fuckin hell about on their resume, bc lots of people really suck at it, myself included. so yeah. that needs to be taught. and i also agree with the “how to manage your health” point. bc thats becoming ever more prevalent and important with career burn out etc.
but entrepreneurship? people management? conflict resolution? creativity? how to manage money? public speaking? like y’all. three of those ARE taught/learned in school, who the fuck wrote this meme?
for anyone who actually paid attention in maths class, (which is probably very few people outside of the top performing classes), there WAS A WHOLE FUCKING UNIT that focuses on financial maths (in australia anyway). I ignored this unit as well as maths in general at school, bc I generally hated maths and was convinced that I was somehow never going to get a job. but i remember the gist of the overall topic and its subtopics. one subtopic teaches you how to calculate your wages in various contexts (overtime, double-time and a half, holiday payments, im pretty sure maternity leave pay was jammed in somewhere? idk if other countries would have double time & a 1/2 like australia though). another subtopic teaches you how to calculate interest on bank loans and credit rates on credit cards. a third subtopic teaches you how to calculate savings (obvs in terms of discounts in shops)....im sure there was a bit about budgeting in there somewhere? im pretty sure there were some questions were about tax payments somewhere as a subtopic enrichment exercise? but you get my gist. are these not money management skills? in some sense? like if i could find one of my old maths textbooks or old maths books i’d give an example of a question, to make my point stronger. but the problem, like i said before, is that a load of people (myself included) just zone out in maths in high school and stop trying with it. they forget what they’ve learnt, and just remember how much they hated algebra and how they’ll never use it again. maths was one hell of a fucking strong bitch, guys. but maybe i’m wrong.
creativity? excuse me? have people forgotten about art classes? drama classes? english classes? music classes? need i go on? okay don’t get me wrong, most of these classes did focus a lot on memorising quotes or facts about people (artists/writers/poets/composers/dramatists etc) or specific periods/movements in art or theatre or literature for example.... but the amazing sculptures/paintings etc people created in art for their final projects in year 12, or even in year 10 were works of their imagination. the scripts people write in drama or maybe english (if you had a fun teacher who did a screenwriting unit, for example) are creative asf. especially in year 12 when they do their major projects, where they may produce a monologue or a short movie, and then there’s a group piece. drama students might even make their own costumes for these performances. LIKE AIN’T THAT A LOT OF CREATIVITY RIGHT THERE Y’ALL????? and english. lowly old english. THEY HAVE A WHOLE FUCKING TOPIC ON CREATIVE WRITING FOR FUCKS SAKE. the original music people might create for their final projects too in year 12? does that not count as creativity? like yes, i know a lot of these things do still have to meet bs assessment criteria (especially in catholic schools, where the main things are you don’t offend the catholic education office and jesus/god lmao) to be considered worthy of a mark for your year 12 exams. but FUCK. HOW THE FUCK AREN’T ANY OF THESE SUBJECTS COUNTED TOWARDS BEING CREATIVE???????? like fuck your corporate creative ideation or w/e bullshit, Callum. drama and english even lend themselves to improvisation in some instances, like public speaking, which is examined further, below.
next, we move on to public speaking. this shit is basically taught from the first goddamn day of “show & tell” in kindy/kindergarten, and this fucker has the gall to say that it’s not fucking taught in schools? someone call in miley cyrus/hannah montana to throw the fuck down in this motherfucking hoedown BC THIS STUPID-ASS MEME-FUCKER HAS NERVE. i hated public speaking. absolutely hated it. even though it was ironically one of the places i ended up excelling in in english classes. even when i fucked up in my english speeches with like “oh, fuck.... said nelson mandela, i’ve seem to’ve lost my palm card. wait, shit! there it is... excuse me while i pull it out of my ass. whoops, sorry miss” *bats eyes and finger guns at my year 9 english teacher who has her head in her hands and is done with my shit, while the class laughs at my gaffe* i’d still end up with like 73% or like 26/30. it was baffling. but for people who weren’t the class clown/smart alec like i was from years 7-10 (and like i actually wasn’t once i moved schools).... public speaking is like the leading cause of anxiety, right? like by the time i got to doing speeches/presentations at uni i was having panic attacks... the thought of presenting to my classes made me fucking sick with fear and anxiety. nearly every subject i did at uni (even when i tried to avoid subs with public speaking assessments) and throughout school had some type of presentation/speech whatever you want to call it project/activity in it. even fucking SPORT/PDHPE at school and even philosophy at uni. and these fuckers are saying its not taught in schools. FUCK OFF. like yeah, i get that they actually mean it in the professional sense.... where people can give the sappy bs motivational speeches or an insightful ted-talk worthy 20-minute presentation... or a great sales pitch. but like??? save that for mike “my dad phoned in to EY and i have a job waiting for me after uni” mcfuck in a business major or law degree? or for clubs like toastmasters? fuck.
ok enough of the skills we learn in school. let’s move onto the businesslike-sounding ones of “people management”, “conflict management” and fucking “entrepreneurship”. like. what the fuck? okay in some sense people management and conflict management could potentially be used in managing friendships and relationships in your personal life. but like. i can feel the business underpinnings and i dont like it lmao. like why do you want fully functioning adults straight out of school, franklin? and there’s extra credit conflict management subjects at uni??? or at least my home uni had it... and i never did them bc they were intensive courses during summer break lol. but the one that pissed me off the most was entrepreneurship. LIKE ARE KIDS NOT FUCKING ALLOWED TO BE KIDS NOW????? well apparently: “NO! YOU MUST ALWAYS THINK OF MONEY MAKING WAYS TO BE RICH! YOU MUST BE ENTREPRENEURIAL!!!!!! YOU MUST GENERATE BUSINESS IDEAS FROM THE TIME YOU CAN FUCKIN’ WALK!!!!! AND SPEAK!!! CHILDHOOD AND BEING A TEENAGER DON’T EXIST WORKER BEE!!!! CAPITALISM FOR ALL!!!! WORKER BEES!!! CAPITALISM IS YOUR FRIEND!!! OWN A BUSINESS BY THE TIME YOU’RE 8 YEARS OLD!” like it’s insidious asf. and it doesn’t acknowledge that most entrepreneurs are already privileged people anyway, who usually have some type of money to start off their venture (or that’s what it feels like anyway). and yeah throw all the “THIS BOY IS AN ENTREPRENEUR AT 18!!! 18!!!???? BY STARTING HIS OWN BUSINESS AT 12!!!! WHAT A CHAMP! 😁🙃” clickbait news stories at me, but i don’t fucking care. the concept and perceived over-importance and almost preaching mindset of entrepreneurship is slowly becoming insidious and toxic asf. call me paranoid. but that’s what it feels like.
but with those last three topics, i want to make a point that school curriculum’s (in australia at least, and probably worldwide) are so jam-packed already with sport (which is pointless and shitty), geography (ok how to read maps is important, but i never bothered to learned to do it properly), history, science, english etc etc etc..... that like.... where the actual fuck are the gonna jam the above bs (people management”, “conflict management” and entrepreneurship) into the curriculum???? and also teachers are already over-worked enough as it is, they don’t need another load of shitty subjects pushed onto them. and they sure asf don’t earn enough (especially in the states) to have this bs pushed into their subject schedules either. keep them at uni, where they should be. or just in the workplace/in the general public where they belong. and if people suggest that you could probably push these subjects into the year 11/12 business studies programs or elective commerce courses in years 9/10, save your goddamn breath. like i remember looking at business studies hsc papers in years 11/12 to see what they did.... and it was pretty chock-a-block anyway. and my experience of my year 9 commerce was horrible, to say the least. let kids be kids, for fucks sake. they shouldn’t have to be fully functioning adults in the workplace, by the end of high school, for fucks sake. AND ENTREPRENEURSHIP IS NOT AN ESSENTIAL SKILL????!!!! FUCK OFF WITH THAT SHIT, WILHELM.
anyway. that’s my rant over about how i hate how corporate people are trying to be #relatablewiththeyouth🙃 with their shitty versions of “10 things i wish we learned in school” memes.... and failing.... without realising that this is why millennials are suspicious and cynical about meme usage by corporate people/corporations.
#life#about me#shut up ilona#ranty mcrantrant#ilona rants about shit#warning: a too long didnt read/tl;dr post#for lazy tumblr peeps who never read long posts is ahead#BEWARE!!!’#and strap in for the ride#but yeah tl:dr ahead#learn to read long form posts you fucks#it was in my replies#so read my tags y’all
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
Update Time *Trigger Warning*
I haven’t really done a post on here in what feels like ages! That is primarily based on the fact that I have been doing absolutely fucking shite. Both my mental and physical health have been deteriorating and just feeding into one another. If you are physically ill you are bound to feel awful mentally too. I was already struggling anyway but now things are really bad. It is different to where I was at last summer. I am not actively suicidal but “risky behaviours” are intense. The problem is that I am completely desensitised to this risk taking behaviour and it does not seem as severe as professionals are telling me so their reactions seem extreme to me.
I ended up taking an overdose at the beginning of the month. This was following an extremely stressful appointment with my care coordinator (who will be referenced throughout this post as N). I knew this wasn’t the right way to deal with how I was feeling so I disclosed this and obviously went to the hospital following this. I believe this was the subject of my last post so I will leave it here.
I told N that I would engage with HTT (otherwise known as crishit team) and I had an assessment with them. This went badly and I wrote a well thought out letter to N stating the reasons why this was the wrong service for me. She just thought I was being very BPD and overemotional. Because I was refusing everything and we just had oposing views and I was really struggling things came to ahead. N ended up saying that this was it and she was going to take me to A&E to get admitted there to a psych ward. I somehow managed to convince her that that did not need to happen and surrendered to HTT.
This is were things just plateaued.
I received no support for a week and a half. Nothing from HTT. N was ignoring my texts and anxiety took over. I completely shut down. I pushed away all of my friends and family. In came some new “coping” techniques - ligaturing and using meds to sedate myself.
As you will have learnt by my last post I was diagnosed with anaemia. This alongside acid reflux (and probably another medical diagnosis that has not been fully explored yet) made me really physically unwell and upped the anti of this relapse.
So using medications to knock me out, feeling like complete shit and a hot BPD mess of a person, bulimia knocking me for six, ligaturing and overdosing is what my time over the past few weeks has looked like. N also went off work sick and didn’t return until late last week...
HTT got involved but I still wasn’t actually receiving the care that I had been told I would in the way I would. It was very hit and miss and it wasn’t like they were actually doing anything for me.
I took a small overdose on 31st Jan which I told HTT about when I spoke to them on the friday. I only disclosed this because they knew I had been overdosing. This was not a big od at all yet they made me go to the hospital. So obviously I was pissed because my Dad was off work so I had to go because I didn’t want the police or an ambulance turning up at my door, especially because my Dad had no idea I was struggling. I also had an appt prebooked with HTT and the hospital and their base are in the same location. I went and had bloods and ECG done. I was feeling awful physically and just wanted to sleep. Mentally, I was annoyed and triggered by being at A&E. So I left. When it got to my HTT appt, I did go but it was massively interrupted by a phone call by the hospital to the team asking me to go back because of my anaemia in order to discuss treatment further with them. I was reluctant because I just thought it was very basic info like taking iron tablets and that I was just going to sit in A&E for ages. I spoke to the doctor and they also spoke to the nurse I was with and it did just seem routine. They convinced me to go back so I did, was triaged again and then eventually a different doctor called me through. He took me through to a room in majors and said “You know you have anaemia right?”, I replied “yes but its a very new diagnosis”. He said “Yep, you need a blood transfusion” with such intensity. I was extremely shocked because this was definitely not what I was expecting! I definitely didn’t want to be in hospital and I didn’t think things were that bad. I think I will do a seperate post on this in itself but this was an extremely intense night which massively triggered my mental health and I really did struggle with it all. Least I know my blood type now though, it is 0 Positive for those wondering. I am definitely not like my blood type right now!!!
I was only in overnight thank god but things didn’t improve in the slightest. I am having a bit of difficulty with dissociation and obviously everything all together and they way I am dealing with it all doesn’t help that and so I am struggling to remember things and remember days. Everything is merging into one so it is making it hard to make this post.
Next thing I remember it is Monday 4th January.
I had a 3pm appt with HTT and N. I was looking forward to getting to see N, hoping that she was okay now after her sick leave and thinking that I would have time prior to the appt to speak to her. This wasn’t the case. N arrived and we all went in. I gave N a note that basically updated her on how things had been. HTT said they wanted to review how I was doing and my thoughts on HTT’s involvement. I said that I didn’t think it was necessarily helping and that things have just gotten worse. I mentioned that I needed it to stick to a small group of people that I see like we had originally planned and if someone different has to see me to try and notify me beforehand.
Then I really do not know what happened.
All of a sudden N said “I think this is the end of the road now Hannah. I think we have gotten to that point.” I was just baffled. They were admitting me to hospital!! I was seriously, even at that point just thinking that it would be a go home and we will find you a place to go but it will be a few days to maybe a week kinda situation. Nope. I was wrong! And Naive!
Nicola said that I look like shit and that she thinks I have lost loads of weight since she saw me last. (I will do a more in depth post about this particular day and maybe a more in depth post about the actual ward I was on too).
I spent from Monday night until Thursday evening on an assessment unit. This place completely ignored my eating disorder which was fine by me cause it meant I could just easily lose weight there. It was better than the wards I have been on but still I only ever left my room late at night when the other patients were in bed, to go to the clinic or see staff/drs/etc or the three times I was allowed to leave the ward. I self harmed x3, ligatured x2, didn’t eat anything at all and I ended up absconding and taking an overdose. These don’t make it seem so great and alongside the fact that I did not receive the appropriate treatment for these things, yeah not great.
Finally, I have been out for 3 nights now. The follow up treatment has been appalling! It has left me feeling again like cutting services out of my life and going at it alone. Things are not good and I am not coping I am not going to sugar coat it but I have not received any support since leaving hospital. My care coordinator is off again (this time I think its a holiday) and no one seems to know when she is returning. But I am kinda done with services. I sat there in tears the other day speaking to the manager of CMHT and told her straight that it would be easier if I was actively suicidal because I would have just done it and taken my stockpile but I am stuck with cutting, overdosing, ligaturing and the ED stuff in order to manage it all. She did not respond to that one. Its true though. Im a coward and it would be easier to be in the place where I’d just take them all and end it.
Stupid.
This is my sad, pathetic and bland, cyclical life. Thank you if you read all of this.
#eating disorders#bulimia#self harm#eupd#bpd#mental health#inpatient#crisis team#cmht#care coordinator#suicidal thoughts#crishit team#home treatment team#blood transfusion#anaemia#a&e#hospital#trigger warning
3 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
vroommsstuff
coffeeislyf
fennekinheart
A Fennekin With Cardiophilia
my-love-scene
High Hopes.
singlewalkrun
Nerd, and Proud
all-learners-express
All Learners Express