“Everyone cares when it’s too late.”

— (via syntacked)

Why is everything so exhausting? I’m tired. I’m numb. I’m sick of this.

How do you identify a crisis?

Everyone keeps talking about risks and they seem to just blow things massively out of proportion. The things that have happened and the way that I am feeling, to an outsider, may appear to be a sign of deterioration or deemed "riskier". But to me I don't quite understand. I am obviously very much aware that things aren't hunky dory because I am the one going through this. But to me I see the self harming behaviours as less significant and self sustaining for the meantime. I may feel unable to utilise other techniques but isn't it better than acting on my suicidal thoughts???

Now this is probably going to sound deluded but with the overdoses I don't know what to even think. Sometimes I have disclosed overdoses to professionals and it has been just something that we could talk through in terms of why I felt that I needed to do that. Other times they have forced me into going to hospital for treatment despite it being a smaller overdose than previous ones. There is no consistency here with responses, size of overdose, reason for overdose etc etc. Smaller overdoses I know aren't going to affect me so having a blood test is just a waste of resources. My care co disagrees with me massively and it is a sore subject to broach. We know each others views by this point. HTT also have just gotten involved and they were going on about overdoses but also trying to have what a "small" overdose is to me compared to them. I gave her a number but obviously she didn't give me her idea of what a "small" overdose is. Of course it is subjective but I don't know.

I think because I live with this 24/7 I don't really see why this change in approach is necessary, mental health act assessments and HTT involvement. I just want to be left alone and to just have cmht that's it.

None of this was coherent really and I'm sorry. I'm just battling life from all angles.

So, I’m numb now.

It is very weird when you reread your mental health notes and the things that they say about how you were is completely different to how you felt or saw yourself