#like genuinely a master class in fucked up situation and i honestly learned a lot from it over the years re: pacing/buildup with kink shit
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a fic i've been following for two entire years was finally completed omg
#not gonna link it or list the title or anything bc it's like more Extreme than what i normally read and is like. not emotionally healthy lol#(which is part of the fun of course)#every time a new chapter posted it was equal parts excitement and anxiety for me lmao#im kinda glad it's over bc PHEW BOY it was A Lot to take in. but so well-written and the kink so wonderfully executed#like genuinely a master class in fucked up situation and i honestly learned a lot from it over the years re: pacing/buildup with kink shit#tbh it's hard to imagine keeping up with writing something slowly over years bc i feel like im a different person than i was when i started#reading??? and like im DEF a different write than i was 2y ago#...actually i started writing less than 2y ago LOL so i guess that tracks#anyway to write something consistently well over that period of time is honestly incredible to me i hope i can reach that kind of#consistent quality someday
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HOW THE HQ CHARACTERS WOULD COPE WITH ONLINE SCHOOL
ft:Ushijima, Suna, Daichi & Kiyoko
Warnings: curse words my bad
an: (mini-rant) what even is school at this point. I love my teachers but they need to realize group projects aren't fun
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-Ushijima
-I know we all want to give ushi the benefit of the doubt in this situation but-
-he strugglin
-Like struggle struggle
-Don't get me wrong, he is a very capable and independent person when it comes to most things. Most things except technology.
-I feel like he's good at so many things, like knitting, baking and differentiating between sny flower type but, he's not too well versed in the land of the internet.
-Obviously, he can use google, type an email and navigate Pinterest he definitely has a board called 'me' with just pictures of himself from matches.
-When the online school first started he got Tendou and you to help him set up a zoom account and show him the basic of telecommunicating platforms however he kind of trusted himself a little too much.
-The internet is a tricky thing and not every gets it as fast as others but come on man. I'd at least expect him to know what a breakout room was.
-The number of text messages poor Tendou received questioning him on things from-
'Y/n What is a classroom code?'
'How do you bookmark something on my toolbar'
'How do I know if my google forms quiz submitted?'
-Constantly
-Eventually, he got the hang of it and things became easier for both him and his best friend.
-At the end of the semester he kind of mastered google classroom.
-Need to know how many assignments you have due.
-BAM
-He's got ya
-n e wayz
- he puts a lot of effort into everything he does. This is definitely no exception.
-Keeps up his grades and studies as much as he can so he can stay on top of things.
-let's admit it he isn't the smartest person but he sees results when he puts in the work
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-Suna
-This mofo doesn't give a fuck
-'What's the big deal. I can literally learn all of this by reading the text any time I want Y/n'
-'Yes you can but if you don't go to class and do the tests you'll fail, idiot.'
-He doesn't care and he probably never will
-Let's look at it is his view:
You have 2 options, the first promise some sort of relaxation and comfort while, the second, brings literally only exhaustion, pain and trauma.
Obviously, any same person would pick the easier option.
What might that be?
-School or sleep?
-SLEEP
-His grades, failing
-His sleep schedule, disappointing.
but that's not the point.
-The point is- um. I ain't really know but wh-
-Moving on!!
-He sometimes tries
-Basically, he gets these random bursts of motivation during his nap breaks and gets shit done.
-Like to redecorate my room and make a monster wall at 4am kinda motivation.
-His teachers are genuinely concerned as to why he only really attends the first couple of classes in the morning. he falls asleep at 4pm and wakes up at 2 so-
-'Struggle' is an understatement for him when describing his experience with online school but, don't worry he'll be fine. maybe
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-Daichi
-Daichi gives me very much.......millenial.
-Well he is a millennial(there's nothing wrong with me a millennial by the way)
-My point is his childhood was greatly influenced by social media and the internet until he was a bit older.
-Honestly, this is pretty biased and just my opinion.
-Learning how to manage each platform used in online school was the hardest thing for him to do.
-The number of accounts he had to make for this thing was questionable at least.
-Once he figured out how to navigate google classroom, Schoology and other platforms he quickly learns that he needs to figure out random websites that teachers used for different assignments.
-For example, in socials, he had to film and edit video on the sustainable development goals.
-Online school can be difficult for some and easier to manage for others but, it'll get better- eventually.
-hopefully
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-Kiyoko
-This queen knows exactly what she's doing.
-I can't explain why but, I just know that she's handling this as if it's nothing.
-Assignments?
-Done.
Chaotic group projects in a breakout room?
-She's got in all under control. Getting people to co-operate and shit.
-Checklist with all of her assignments and tasks?
-Duh
-I can't explain to you how much she completely dominates online school
-She's always on time and if she has to miss class for a day she'll try her best to let the teachers know beforehand.
-'Y/n can you send me Tanaka's email so I can send him his part of the assignment, please?
-'Oh yeah Kiyoko np.'
-A short while after online school started her, Yachi and you started a little study group after school.
-Well...........not really.....it was mostly her trying to tutor both of you on the topics that you guys didn't understand.
-She's great and everyone knows it.
-Her grades are really good and she puts a lot of effort into what she does.
-She's literally good at everything
-ugh
-I love her<3
#hq#daichiheadcannons#haikyuuheadcanons#suna headcanons#kiyoko headcanons#ushijima headcanons#haikyuu headcanons#headcanon#blurbs#fanfiction#ushijima x yn#suna x yn#daichi x yn#kiyoko x yn#x reader#reader
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Whoo boy, been a little bit. I can’t really say much besides IRL sucks, so. Back to something that doesn’t suck, which is BNHA. This chapter is dedicated to the good bean Tenya, especially his little smile which forced me to change my pfp on discord because I just couldn’t.
I was kinda planning on doing arc summaries between sections, but honestly, the BNHA wiki already has those, so if you don’t want to go back and read through all the posts I’ve done for the pre-USJ chapters, just head over there and do a skim of the summaries there, I guess?
[No. 12 - Yeah, Just Do Your Best, Iida!]
I just love how his hand gestures are actual effective tools against enemies, I cannot even. Also, a good and friendly reminder that carbonated drinks stall his engines! I have never seen that used in fanfic, whether for crack or whump purposes… a shame.
We head right into the next morning from that battle training, with the kids being held up by the media as they ask about All Might. Izuku is a bundle of nerves as he awkwardly excuses himself to the nurse’s office, Ochako is a darling who describes All Might as super muscly, and Tenya goes into a whole ass speech with a lot of fancy language to explain the honor of being at UA and learning under All Might.
(Honestly, I find it hard to determine whether this is genuinely earnest or if he’s picked up media warding skills from his parents and older brother. It’s probably genuine, but I just love the idea behind low-key troll master Tenya who learned from the best, aka his older brother.)
Katsuki, unfortunately, is still known as ‘the kid from the sludge incident’, which I mean. I am so fucking baffled at how long the media in this have held onto that 'sludge incident' thing, like, you'd think they'd have moved on to other things by now and don't really think about it much.
It’s the same with the general public (as seen in chapter 3), like, yes, I too would have a fucking complex and anger issues if all anyone thought about in relation to me wasn't my high grades or my skill in combat or anything, but that one time a year ago where I was almost suffocated to death while the people who were supposed to save my life did fucking nothing. I mean, Katsuki has always had a complex, but This Didn't Help.
Moving on, we see the media wondering who the fuck this messy looking dude waving them off is, while Aizawa just. Fucking shoos them like they’re dogs or kids or something. His words seem like a vague attempt at being polite about shooing them, but with the hand gesture, well. Basically comes off more as a chastisement.
...honestly, this feels so weird that no one knew about it even though the kids who got in got a message from All Might saying he’d be teaching there. The only thing I and the others can assume is that there was an NDA on him teaching until it was announced to the newspapers on the first day of classes. Which would explain why it didn’t hit the news until said day…
Whatever, it’s weird, let’s just move on.
One of the reporters steps forward, asking/demanding a chance to speak to All Might about his sudden shift to teaching, only for the guy behind her to try and call out a warning - just a touch too late, as the sensors over the gate react, causing the daunting hunk of metal serving as a gate to slam closed right in front of her. Gonna guess she’s new to the reporting scene. The guy explains that the UA barrier locks down if someone without a school ID approaches the gate, and that supposedly there are more sensors throughout the campus.
The panel gives us a diagram of the three ‘levels’ of sensors - the gate/wall around the school, the walkway to the school, and the school itself. Which I think correlates to the security levels that come up later, since it’s a ‘level three’ breach, which means the school was broken into. Was it… always that fucking simple and I just totally glossed over that detail until now? orz
While the newsfolk complain about not getting comments from UA, we get to see the back of a ~mysterious figure~ who definitely isn’t the primary antagonist of the entire series. God, you can see his individual neck vertebrae.
Horrifying.
We transition to 1a’s homeroom, with Aizawa going over the battle training as well as their grades / evaluations. Aizawa calls out Katsuki and tells him to grow up and stop wasting his talent, which Katsuki grudgingly accepts. Izuku jolts at being called out next over his broken arm, and accepts the chastisement of learning to control his quirk, because trying isn’t going to cut it. Aizawa does soften the blow, however, by repeating that Izuku has potential, assuming he overcomes that issue.
With that done, Aizawa ‘Plus Extra™’ Shouta gets the whole class tense by drawing out the next class announcement. While I think it’s a translation error, the whole class sweating as they wonder whether it’s another brutal pop quiz is hella funny. (I’m guessing it was meant to be ‘test’ which would reference to the quirk assessment as well as the battle training, but ah well.) The whole class sighs in relief as one as Aizawa finally reveals that their task for the morning is to choose a class president - a normal, school-like thing in comparison to the past two days.
Pretty much the entire class has their hands raised to volunteer for the position, with Katsuki being particularly aggressive about it (as per the norm). Even Izuku has his hand shyly lifted up from the desk, while his narration notes that the position in normal schools entails mundane tasks, but in UA’s hero course means leading the group - a position suited for a top hero in the making.
Tenya calls for them all to quiet down, drawing attention as he goes on to explain how leading people is a task of heavy responsibility, but that ambition is not equal to ability. He is so intense it’s hilarious as he explains how the office demands the trust of its constituents, and that if it’s to be a democracy, then he puts forward the motion that they choose their leader through election.
Seriously this is just so fucking hilarious, I love this boy so much. And I love whoever it is that calls out that this is a classroom, not congress.
Tsuyu points out that the class hasn’t known each other long enough to build trust, and Kirishima notes that everyone will vote for themselves. Tenya points out that that is precisely the reason that anyone who gets multiple votes will be the best suited for the job. He then checks with Aizawa if this is allowable, which the teacher agrees to so long as it’s quick. And a quick transition, we reveal the winners-
Izuku with three votes, and Momo with two.
Everyone else, it seems, still has one vote, which was their own (as predicted). Izuku is shook. Katsuki is shaking in anger as he demands to know who the hell voted for Deku. Ochako is whistling and looking away, thinking that she’d better not let Katsuki find out.
(Also of note is that Sero is already approaching Katsuki and making a joke here about it being obvious Katsuki wasn’t one of Izuku’s votes, and then seemingly laughing a bit when Katsuki’s temper turns on him?
Hard to say for sure, but it seems Sero is the first of Katsuki’s future friend group to approach him and get away with poking at his temper. Which I feel is something very much overlooked by the fandom in favor of Kirishima for fairly obvious reasons.)
Tenya, meanwhile, is in a funk as he notes he has no votes, and that that is the harsh reality of office. Momo is concerned as she notes that zero votes meant he voted fro someone else, while Sato points out that Tenya was the one to suggest the election, so what did he seriously want? Izuku and Momo go to the front of the class - Izuku a nervous wreck while Momo’s just exasperated with the situation. Aizawa confirms their positions as he gets out of his sleeping bag, and the class talk a bout about the suitability of the chosen pair while Tenya continues to sulk in his seat.
With that, the first half of the chapter is done, so I’ll call it here. I can certainly say I learned a thing or two today, and I hope y’all did as well!
#readthrough#chapter 12#usj arc#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#midoriya izuku#bakugou katsuki#Iida Tenya#aizawa shouta#good to be back#real life is a pain and a half#I would have worked on this yesterday#but the manga site broke#also more food for the sero baku friendship fans
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indelicate marks (4)
indelicate marks: chapter four - the proposal
A/N: hi guys hope you’re all doing okay with everything going on right now. i also hope you’re ready for some angst very soon because oH boY you’re in for it. thanks again for the support and ill see you soon :) - ivy
warnings: language, tEnSiOn
lovely tags: @h-annahayy @okaydraco @fanficflaneuse
indelicate marks index
You'd gone invisible again.
And Draco, much to his annoyance, noticed this time more than ever.
He'd begun to associate you with a very odd feeling - a mixture of dread, pity and guilt. It was a feeling that clouded his thoughts for days after he'd last met you in the bathroom, and it kept him avoiding going to see Myrtle as much as his panic attacks allowed him to.
Because, as much as he tried to, he couldn't shake that awful, burning sensation from your memory. It was already familiar to him, yes, but the screaming played like white noise in any moment of silence, and waves of nausea would flood through him when he recalled Bellatrix Lestrange's harrowing eyes. Somehow, hearing someone else's pain was a lot worse than hearing his own, especially in his dreams.
Yet, whilst he felt as though he should speak to you, he found himself steering clear of you as much as physically possible. Draco despised the guilt you made him feel - as though he owed you an apology, or something.
But, even avoiding you proved difficult. Seeing as he was never sure where you actually were.
Draco tried to take note of where you sat in classes, but you were always writing, head down, and half the time he wasn't even sure if it was you. Rare occasions in which you, or he, for that matter, showed up the Great Hall never seemed to coincide.
You were making the entire situation very bloody exhausting.
Autumn had started to brown the leaves of the Whomping Willow before he saw you again.
He couldn't deny that the bags under his eyes had become more prominent over the weeks. Face hollowing, his clothes were feeling a lot looser than they had done before. If he wasn't in classes, he was in the Room of Requirement, muttering to himself as he tried - and failed - to repair the Vanishing Cabinet. To make matters worse, he was also gradually becoming immune to the Sleeping Draught that Snape supplied him with.
But plotting any means of completing his mission left little room for any other thoughts. It kept him up until the very early hours of the morning, trying to banish memories of summer from his mind.
Draco felt at his wits end - and at this point, a little bit stir-crazy.
He'd come to the bathrooms in hopes of talking to Myrtle, wanting to voice the plans that went round and round in his mind. Maybe they would make more sense, he guessed, if someone else heard them.
His hopes, however, were diminished the moment he pushed open the door.
You were sat on the edge of the sinks, swinging your legs as you mumbled to Myrtle. Draco's chest tightened as the ghost let out a shriek at the sight of him in the doorway, shooting off into the pluming. Turning to face him, your wand tightened in your grip, once hanging loosely from your hands.
Fucking hell, is she always here?
He stared back at you, expression blank, as you searched him. In fact, you didn't seem all that phased, not bothering to move from the sink. He wasn't sure what he should say, or if he should even stay, for that matter.
"Let's not make this a habit," You muttered, before he could leave, features stony.
"I'm not attempting to." Draco shot back, ignoring the scoff that came from you. "You're the one that seems to haunt this bathroom more than Myrtle bloody does."
You scowled, but remained silent, staring down at your lap. He slipped his hands into his pockets, unsure if he should bring up your last meeting, but he supposed it would be best to clarify your intentions whilst you were sat in front of him.
"Should I be expecting a visit from the Ministry anytime soon?"
Frowning, confusion flickered amongst your features for a moment. Then, you shot him a quick glance, hinted with disbelief.
"I told you." You said, tone empty. "You can trust me."
Despite the unease that melted away from him, he sneered.
"I can hardly trust someone who's Occlumency is that shit."
You tensed, before pushing yourself off of the sinks and rounding on him, wand tight in your grip. Eyes hard, and accusatory, you glowered.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Your glare flicked up and down his body, finally taking in his appearance properly for the first time since he came in. He shifted under your inspection, uncomfortable with the way your features pulled in, as though you were judging him. Raising an eyebrow, you spoke again, abandoning whatever words you were about to hurtle at him. "Bloody hell, what happened to you?"
"What happened to you?" Draco narrowed his eyes, eager to have the focus off him. But, he had already noted how ill you looked compared to the last time he saw you. If you passed out there and then, he wouldn't have been surprised.
You blinked, throwing him a glare.
"Why do you care?"
"Why do you?" Draco countered, raising an eyebrow lazily. You frowned, but stayed silent. He pushed again. "So it hasn't got anything to do with the fact that my convict of aunt came to visit, then?"
You stiffened, eyes glazing. A bitter regret pinched at his gut.
Why was he even still stood there? He should have left as soon as he saw you in the room - plus, he knew you weren't going to tell anyone for sure now.
But then, you recovered, fixing Draco with a look that he wasn't sure how to take, wrapping your arms around yourself protectively.
"What happens in my personal life isn't of your concern, Malfoy."
"Back to Malfoy, are we?" He deadpanned, prompting you to grimace. "Maybe you should have thought about that before invading my personal life."
It didn't take long for frustration to take over your indistinct features, glaring at him with a clenched jaw.
"You're the one that decided to practice Legilimency on me!" You spat. His lips pulled into a light scowl. "And I've told you, I'm not going to tell anyone, so can you please stop tormenting me now?"
Draco hesitated. He was reluctant to just leave you walking round knowing a secret that could get him killed. Yes - the chances of you telling anyone was unlikely, and yes - it was doubtful that anyone would try and find out through Legilimency.
But the idea of exposure had made his anxieties so much worse over the past few weeks. He was willing to do almost anything to get them to calm down, even in the slightest.
If he could just get a decent bloody nights sleep...
He sighed.
"If you're going to know, you'll need to learn better Occlumency."
You froze.
Before, you had been acting rather restrained - as though you were unsure of how you should act around him, other than maybe a little pissed off by his remarks. Your expression now, however, had dissipated into a very genuine dread.
"What?"
"I can't risk you knowing unless you can keep people out." He paused, watching your reaction carefully. "Which, clearly, you can't."
You scoffed.
"My Occlumency is perfectly fine, I'll have you know." Face dead set, Draco raised his eyebrows and you sighed, defeated. "Fine. If you're that bloody bothered. I'll talk to Snape."
Panic and a hint of anger flashed through Draco at your implication, and he jumped forward, instinctively taking a few strides towards you.
"No!" He hissed, only to freeze when you pulled back. Your breathing hitched, staring at him with panicked, wide eyes. Clearly, you hadn't forgiven him for the last time he lost control over his actions.
Swallowing, he took a breath, clearing his mind. "No. Don't talk to Snape. Who taught you last time?"
Eyes clouding, you studied him again - prompting that uncomfortable feeling in his gut. Something about the way you looked at him made him feel utterly too conscious of himself. Never before in his life had he felt so self-aware, and hated it.
But then, your eyes became avoidant. You threw him an uncertain glance as your eyebrows flicked up, lips pulled into a bitter, half-smile.
"My parents."
Ah.
Draco was aware that at some point, your parents had managed to escape Azkaban. After the whole exposure of Deatheaters, including his father, at the Ministry, he wasn't sure if they were caught a second time, or if they had even been there at all. Though, it was unlikely that they hadn't been there, being some of the more avid supporters of the Dark Lord. He could recall recognising a surname amongst his in the Daily Prophet, too.
Honestly, he hadn't considered it that much. Now, standing in front of their daughter, he wished he had.
"That's what I thought." You mumbled, having noticed the pause in his demeanour. Draco stared at you, debating his options.
After what he'd seen in your memory, he was pretty much certain that you talking to Potter was out of the question.
This wasn't, however, something he could risk.
It wasn't exactly some petty secret that could cause a scandal if it got out between students, no. Keeping Dumbledore - and anyone else with the ability to use Legilimency on the opposing side, for that matter - unaware, was the utmost priority.
Even if it meant having to give someone he'd spoken to a handful of times Occlumency lessons.
He let out a particularly heavy sigh.
"Fine. I'll bloody teach you, but for one hour a week at most. I do not have time-"
"Wait, wait, wait." You shook your head, staring at him in disbelief. Draco flicked his eyebrow upward. Struggling to get your words out, you continued to look at him, horrified, prompting him to let out an impatient growl.
"What?
"You - You want to teach me Occlumency?"
The expression on your face could have been laughable. Eyebrows drawn in, mouth agape - as though he had suggested trying to poison a Potions Master. Rolling his eyes, he begun to wish he hadn't suggested anything.
Draco only fixed you with a very bored look. "I wouldn't say I want to, but yes."
Your stare continued for a minute longer, beginning to annoy him to no bloody end. There was a hint of discomfort in your look that almost made him feel annoyingly guilty - but he pushed it away.
Instead, you only sighed, frowning with a shake of the head.
"Fine. When?"
"Thursday, 6 o'clock. At the abandoned classroom on the third floor." Crossing your arms, you gave him a singular nod, expression absent.
"Okay."
Draco continued to search your face, unconvinced by your uncertainty. He would have missed it if he wasn't looking so carefully.
Your lips sent him that twitch he remembered so well. A promise. You can trust me.
Without a word, Draco turned away from you, but not before capturing the feeling you left him with, tucking it away deep inside him for the rest of the week.
#draco x you#draco malfoy#draco malfoy x you#draco malfoy x reader#draco x reader#draco malfoy imagine#draco malfoy angst#harry potter fanfiction#draco malfoy fluff
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something that i already know
by airauralintensity (aka me, jasonbehrs!)
As soon as Siwon says it, he can see the way so much clicks into place in Shindong’s astute, masterful, beautiful mind… But not even Shindong can draw the correct conclusion when he isn’t provided with every relevant fact. If he could, they would have cleared the air so long ago.
fandom: kpop, super junior
characters: siwon, shindong, eunhyuk
ships: shinwon, sihyuk
genres: friendship, angst, romance
themes: slice of life, one-sided crush, angst with a happy ending
setting: high school into college; metro seoul area, south korea
word count: 12.7k
read it below or on ffnet, aff, wattpad
A/N (05/01/2021): Hi, ELF! This is my first Super Junior fanfic :) Title comes from the Backstreet Boys song of the same name; cover image is made by me; and if you recognise anything in the fic, that means I don't own it. Happy reading!
~~~
It's never easy being the new kid in school, and Donghee is no exception. He has no friends; he has to play a lot of catch-up in the first few weeks because where his old teachers left off doesn't match up to where his new teachers are picking up; and he has to spend precious emotional energy acclimating to the culture and social politics.
Add in the fact that it's senior year, and he's at the most elite academy in Gyeonggi on a scholarship—he's seen this K-drama before. He knows how it ends.
"Hey! You're the new kid, Shin Donghee, right? Can I sit here?"
Admittedly, Tall, Bright, and Handsome doesn't usually come up to bully the new kid with such a charming smile on his face in the script, but Donghee still knows his role.
"Yeah, got it. Sorry. Didn't know this was your seat," he mumbles as he hurriedly packs up his lunch and books. He's not trying to make waves on his first day, thank you very much.
"No, no," T.B.H. puts out his hand to stop him from putting his planner away, and Donghee is shocked into stillness from the glaringly off-script performance that the other is putting on. "I meant, like, can I sit with you? I didn't know if you wanted to sit alone or not; but if you wanted the option for company, here I am."
Another winsome smile graces the other's face, and Donghee's eyes narrow. "Are you sure you wanna sit with the scholarship kid?" he asks sardonically. He isn't trying to get away anymore, but he's still not convinced he's welcome here.
Tall, Bright, and Handsome's light dims just a bit, but his pout is still effortlessly charming. It's almost offensive. "Come on. We're not like that here."
Donghee looks no further than just above the other's shoulder and sees a group of girls whispering and giggling in their direction. He looks back at the well-meaning but clueless hero of the story and raises an unimpressed eyebrow. T.B.H. looks over his shoulder to see what he saw, and he at least has the grace to be embarrassed when he turns back around.
Donghee is prepared to give a half-conciliatory, half-I told you so parting glance, but the other student keeps talking. "I'll admit, that's not a good look for us," he says with a grimace, "but would you believe me if I said they were acting like that because of me and not you?"
Considering he's been calling the guy 'Tall, Bright, and Handsome' in his head this whole time, yeah, he could believe it.
Hoping against hope that he isn't about to regret this, Donghee sits back down at the lunch table. T.B.H.'s smile is so bright, Donghee thinks he saw one of the guy's front teeth actually sparkle. "I'm Choi Siwon," he introduces as he extends his hand. Donghee shakes it and wryly thinks to himself that of course T.B.H.'s real name means 'cool.'
~~~
To nobody's surprise, Siwon is part of the popular crowd, which Donghee determines by the look on everyone's faces when Siwon invites him to sit with his friends at lunch the next day. The guys weren't exactly welcoming, but they were polite. He doesn't know whether maybe Siwon said something to them or not about being nice to the new kid; but honestly, he'll take it. He's still not entirely convinced that this is the setup for some sort of 'Carrie' situation or something. It's senior year after all, so prom is coming up.
It isn't until Siwon invites them all over to study together that things shift.
"Bro, what the fuck," Kangin says out of the blue, causing everyone to look up and causing Donghee to drop the pencil he was playing with. Kangin is staring at him—more specifically, his hand—and everyone's attention turns to him instead.
"Uh," he intones, not sure what is happening here and suddenly feeling the urge to look up.
"Do that again," Kangin demands, gesturing at Donghee's hand. His fingers twitch involuntarily at the command, but he genuinely has no clue what he's meant to do. He looks to Siwon with a clear plea for help on his face.
"Youngwoon, what gives?" Siwon asks, using Kangin's real name to snap him out of whatever is captivating the varsity baseball captain.
"Donghee was legit balancing a fucking pencil on his finger!" Kangin exclaims while gesturing helplessly at Donghee's hand.
Donghee understands immediately. "Ah, sorry. I forgot I did that." Without further prompting, he balances his pencil on its eraser at the tip of his middle finger. He moves his hand side to side for fun, showing off how the graphite tip stays roughly at the same point in the air all the while. With a flick of his finger, he launches the pencil up and catches it in mid-air, smoothly transitioning to end with a bow in his seat with the same gesture.
He looks up to find four slack-jawed teenage boys, and he brags, "I can do that with basically anything I can lift."
All pretenses of studying are summarily discarded in favour of testing this theory. Donghee easily balances notebooks, folding chairs, and even a curtain pole (dismantled from the window by an excited Heechul and reinstalled by an amused Siwon).
Once the others are thoroughly entertained, they don't want to go back to studying. Alas, they are at Siwon's house; as rich as he is, he doesn't have any convenient distractions (which Donghee surmises is the point of going to Siwon's to study in the first place). Kibum's the one to recommend just going to the local convenience store and walking around for no reason, which feels a lot like acceptance to Donghee.
In fact, it isn't long until he finds himself hanging out with some of the guys sans Siwon.
Kibum hands Donghee part of his deck for some trading card game he's never even heard of before, much more played; but after two rounds and a gradual learning of the rules, Donghee is now locked into a 1v1 match against Kibum, having just killed Heechul's last creature card.
"You sure your name's Shin Donghee and not Hee Shindong?" Heechul mutters as he throws his cards on the table. "Like, what can't you do?"
Donghee isn't paying him any attention then, instead supremely focused on using his impromptu green-black strategy to beat Kibum with his own deck.
So he's surprised when the next day Heechul slaps his back and says, "Yah! Shindong! I've been calling you for like five minutes!" as he falls into step with Donghee on his way to school. "Run me through the lymphatic system one more time." Donghee obligingly pulls out his notebook and helps his friend cram for their biology quiz that day, but his mind is somewhere else.
He's never had a nickname before, and he likes it.
~~~
Siwon is nothing like what he expects.
He spends most of his free time with the guys now, and he keeps coming back to that realisation.
Siwon is touchy. Like, more affectionate than a dog or a baby could be—combined. Kibum may be the youngest, but Siwon is the baby, and no one seems to mind treating him as such. Shindong is a man who likes his personal space, but Siwon's touches are so genuinely friendly and joyful that he finds himself readily inviting them into his bubble.
Siwon is expressive. Casual observers would never notice more than his charming smile and runway-ready neutral gaze, but he and the guys know better than that. Siwon talks with his whole body. His amusement is measured in congratulatory high-fives, and his stress in head shakes and tapping fingers. Shindong can always tell what he's thinking and feeling.
Siwon is down-to-earth. He's the richest in their friend group by a whole social class, but nothing about him plays on Shindong's financial insecurities. In fact, the first time Shindong hosted his friends over, the power went out, and Siwon was the only one who happened to recognise the strategically placed candles and matches around the living room. He wordlessly helped Shindong light them back up and suggested they take advantage of the dark to tell scary stories. Shindong will always be grateful for that.
Siwon is single. Sure, he doesn't give off playboy vibes, but he is certainly the poster child for monogamy. Shindong would not have been surprised to meet a loving, long-term girlfriend who is just as angelic as Siwon is and somehow twice as gorgeous, but no such person exists. Shindong has seen girls confess to Siwon literally once a day since they became friends (the record for a single day is currently four confessions), but Siwon graciously yet firmly denies them all.
Siwon is his best friend. It starts with study sessions, which turn into de-stress movie nights, which turn into sleepovers—and before he knows it, people from teachers to strangers start considering them a package deal. Shindong doesn't mind, of course. Siwon is less intense when he's not around the others, more introspective and goals-oriented—and Shindong can relate. It's great to have a friend who gets both sides of him and around whom he can comfortably show both sides. He didn't have one at his old school, but he's glad he has someone now.
~~~
"Want the rest of my pork?" Kibum offers Shindong at lunch. "Nah, I don't believe in cannibalism," Shindong says, even as he begins transferring the meat over to his own lunch tray.
The table is silent for a moment, but luckily he places his tray down just as Kangin decides to lay an open-palm slap to his back, laughing uproariously. Heechul is legitimately choking on his own food, and Kibum gives him a nod with a grin to acknowledge the joke.
Shindong feels pretty pleased with himself—he just knew that joke would land—and he glances over at Siwon to see the other's reaction. To his surprise, Siwon is staring at the table with a furrowed brow instead. Shindong frowns but lets it go. It's too bad Siwon was too busy thinking to hear his joke.
After lunch, the two of them only have the last class of the day together, and he notices Siwon still seems to be in a sour mood. Shindong racks his brain trying to remember if Siwon had a test he was worried about today. Maybe he feels like he failed?
"Hey, man," he calls out to Siwon after the final bell rings. "Wanna get some gyoza? On me."
Siwon's face brightens for the first time since lunch, and Shindong knows he made the right call; but in the time it takes for them to head to the Japanese place near his house and settle into a booth, Siwon's mood is dark again.
The table is quiet as Siwon plays with his food, making no move to eat any. Shindong stuffs two fried shrimp pieces in his mouth as casually as possible. Don't ask him why, but he thinks talking with his mouth full will help break the ice. "Hey, you good? You've been in a mood all day."
Siwon briefly meets Shindong's carefully neutral stare then averts his eyes to the table. "I don't like it when you do that," he mutters.
Shindong freezes with the next set of two gyoza halfway to his mouth. "Eat? Sorry man, I'm very diligent about my eat-anything-in-sight diet. If I stopped being fat, the girls at school would be all over me instead of you, which would disturb the balance of our friendship." He ends with a bite of dumpling and a cheeky grin.
"No, that! The self-deprecating jokes about your size!"
They both freeze. Siwon did not mean to blurt it out like that.
He deflates a little in his seat in embarrassment. "I don't like them. They make me sad," he continues in a much quieter tone.
Shindong did not see this coming and, frankly, has no idea how to react. "Um, you want me to stop being fat?"
"No, I want you to stop drawing attention to it. It's like you have to make a mean joke about your size first before anyone else can. No one in the group would ever be mean to you about it; I wouldn't let them," Siwon states adamantly. He means every word. The second one of the others crosses a line, he wouldn't hesitate to make sure they never, ever did it again.
The words are out before Shindong fully thinks about them. "You can say the word 'fat,' Siwon. Newsflash, I am fat. I'm as fat as you are tall. It's just something about me. I won't hesitate to make a fat joke any sooner than Heechul would hesitate to make a bi joke." His frustration surprises even himself, so he takes a sip from his water to calm down.
Siwon takes that as his cue to plead his case, and pleading he is. "It doesn't bother you that that's the part of yourself you decide to play up for the jokes? You're a great dancer, and you're quick on your feet—literally and figuratively! You'd be so great at, like, slapstick or something!" Shindong snorts, but Siwon forges on. "I just don't like seeing my friends laugh at you for… for being fat when you're so much more than that."
Shindong doesn't say anything, just lowers his head, and Siwon sighs. "You want to make a fat joke, don't you." "AND I'M SO MUCH ALREADY—okay. I'm done, I'm done."
Siwon withers and lets his head drop to his arms on the table. Shindong laughs, all tension dissipated. "So, this is clearly bothering you a lot," he needlessly observes. Siwon nods his head without lifting it up, and Shindong takes pity on him. "Alright, I'll try to tone it down. Or maybe I'll do like you said and just sprinkle in other kinds of jokes. No one likes a one-trick pony anyway."
Siwon peeks up through his eyelashes, and Shindong nods faux-sagely. "And maybe in the future when I'm rich and can afford therapy, I'll find out you're right and my brand of humour was simply a defense mechanism for some deeply internalised fatphobia all along. Then you could say, 'I told you so.'"
Siwon shakes his head resolutely. "That's not something I want to be right about."
Shindong shrugs in a 'suit yourself' manner and goes back to eating, and Siwon follows suit.
After a stretch of companionable silence, Siwon speaks up again. "I knew you're fat—I know it—but I don't think I understood that being fat was a part of you. Thank you for giving me a chance to understand you better. I thought I was intervening in something unhealthy, but I see now that that wasn't as righteous as I thought it was." He pauses then and doesn't continue until Shindong looks up to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry if I came off as insensitive or, worse, embarrassed. You don't embarrass me, Donghee."
Shindong looks back down at his food, unsure of what the emotion is in Siwon's voice as the other said his real name. "I know, but thank you."
~~~
Shindong is everything he didn't know he needs.
As the school year progresses, Siwon finds himself feeling lighter and lighter, and he can trace all of his growing juvenescence directly to his new best friend.
Shindong values hard work. The other guys are great at their own things, but they're missing that fire under their butts that makes them actually try. Shindong doesn't just put in the effort; he also appreciates the challenge and sees it as an opportunity instead. Shindong empowers Siwon to embrace his own challenges in a way that he didn't feel like he could do until Shindong came around.
Shindong tries new things. Siwon is a rather adventurous guy himself, but that's not what he means. Shindong picks up and drops hobbies as quickly as Heechul switches partners, and he's amassed a great wealth of knowledge as a result. He's dynamic, and Siwon could never get bored of the way Shindong talks about his niche interest du jour.
Shindong speaks his mind. His friend group is made up of some pretty lax guys, which is great until some of them get into an argument. They never really talk things out, instead waiting until it's no longer annoying to be in the same room and just choosing to let it go. When Shindong is offended, you'll know. When he's wrong, he'll admit it. It does lead to some tension at first, but they all end up better for it as a result, and Siwon wishes he could be that brave.
Shindong trusts him. When Siwon was planning on hosting the guys over at his house for Kangin's birthday since he has an indoor pool and hot tub, Shindong shyly asked him to think of something else because he's afraid of water. That was a request Siwon was more than happy to oblige if it meant including Shindong in the festivities.
Shindong doesn't need him to be 'on' all the time. One time Kangin invited himself over to one of their hangouts—he and Shindong had planned to read the newspaper together to catch up on current events and financial affairs—and he got bored and complained that they should do something more fun. Before Siwon could worry Shindong felt the same way, the other had sassily defended their brand of bonding and just told Kangin to leave if he didn't like it. Siwon loves the fact that Shindong cherishes that quiet time together as much as he does.
Siwon thinks he maybe just loves Shindong.
~~~
Shindong slides into the seat beside Siwon in their first shared class of the day just as he slides an envelope across Siwon's desk. The envelope happens to have the same seal as the university into which Siwon is planning on matriculating. They offered him a spot on the varsity basketball team and sponsored on-campus living, and Mama Choi didn't raise no fool.
Siwon raises an eyebrow in interest, and Shindong simply points at the envelope with his chin. Siwon takes that as the invitation it is, and he pulls out the letter inside.
Congratulations, Donghee! You have been accepted…
Siwon whips his head up to look at Shindong, who has the largest shit-eating grin on his face.
They need to talk about this. Now.
"Seonsaengnim!" Siwon abruptly interrupts the teacher's lecture with his hand straight in the air. He ignores all the eyes that turn to him in shock. "Donghee isn't feeling too well. Can I take him to the nurse?"
All attention shifts to Shindong, who improvises in stride. "Ughhhhhnnnn," he groans pitifully, slouching over on his desk for added effect.
"Very well, then," the teacher waves off. Siwon stands up and bows hastily before half-guiding, half-dragging Shindong out the door. "Awwwwwwgggggghhhh," Shindong keeps up the ruse as he stumbles out, affecting delirium.
Once they're out of sight from the doorway, they run down the halls until they reach the bathroom, trying without success to contain their giggles along the way. "Couldn't give me a head's up back there?" Shindong teases as he sits on the edge of a sink, lightly panting.
"Couldn't give me a head's up that you were applying to my university?" Siwon punches Shindong's shoulder, acting affronted, but he swoops in for a bone-crushing hug immediately afterwards.
Shindong awkwardly returns the hug. (Siwon pinning his arms to his side means he can only reach Siwon's elbows.) His voice is quiet when he says, "My hopes were already up. I didn't want to get yours up, too."
Siwon gets it, so he lets it and Shindong go. The excited smile stays on his face, though. "Are you gonna go?"
"I don't know, man. They gave me a scholarship, but that just brings the tuition cost down to the same price as the local uni. I'd still have to get a job or a work-study to help offset the costs; and on top of that, I'd be so far away from home…"
"... But you're willing to go through all that just to keep going to the same school as me?" Siwon offers cheekily, squashing that incredibly light feeling in his chest with humour.
Shindong rolls his eyes. "I was gonna say, 'But all that is doable, and hey, at least you'll be there for me to mooch off of,'" he says with an attitude, but the corners of his lips quirk up at the end.
"You're right. I'll be there for you," Siwon affirms. Something about the serious way he said that makes Shindong feel like he's missing something, but he brushes it off. He was a little nervous about going so far away for school, but he has a feeling he'll be fine with Siwon around.
~~~
Siwon sidles up to Heechul, who casually throws his arm around the newcomer's shoulders despite the height difference. "How's my favourite wallet doing?" Heechul teases.
They're the only two to share this free period, and they often spend it outside, chatting, listening to music, doing homework, whatever. This time, Siwon finds Heechul leaning against a wall and people-watching.
"What's your read on Shindong?" Siwon asks as casually as possible. He's hoping he doesn't need to explain further, and luckily Heechul doesn't need clarification. Heechul knows what Siwon means.
He also knows: "Give up before it's too late."
Siwon's hopes plummet. "Really?" he asks, face and voice coloured by obvious disappointment.
Heechul looks over at Siwon and realises it is, in fact, too late for the other. His heart clenches for his long-time friend, and Heechul finds himself equivocating out of a need to assuage him. "Maybe I'm wrong for once. Like, what do I know? I'm just 18."
Siwon tries on a bright smile. "Yeah, maybe. There's gotta be a first time for everything, right, hyung?"
But now is not one of those times, and Heechul knows it. "Don't say I didn't warn you, though." He tries on a reassuring grin and a friendly knock on Siwon's shoulder.
He knows it looks more like a grimace, and he knows Siwon is ignoring that. He just doesn't know how long it'll take before Siwon's heart breaks.
He may not have had Heechul's fullest support, but Siwon has spent Too Many days thinking about this to go back now. It took long enough as it is to even get to this point; but if he's being honest with himself, he knew it was only a matter of time.
He finds his opportunity on their way home from school the week before showtime.
"Shindong, wanna go to prom with me?" "What?"
Shindong gives him a look so incredulous, Siwon is reminded of one of those dogs with smushed faces. The thought makes him smile even though his heart feels simultaneously too heavy and too fast.
"Should I, um, should I repeat myself?" he asks while trying to hide his shaking hands by grabbing onto his backpack straps.
"I'm just… so confused. Didn't Kwon Boa ask you to prom yesterday? Did she dump you already? What did you do?!"
In truth, Siwon turned her down as soon as she asked him, but saying that now would be unhelpful for his purposes.
"Even if you did somehow fuck up your chance with the prettiest, most sought-after girl in school, you still could ask literally anyone to be your date? Why would you go the friend route for prom? It's not even a valid Plan Z," Shindong continues.
Siwon pouts. "If I can ask anyone, why can't I ask you?"
Shindong is unimpressed, and Siwon wavers in his conviction. He wasn't originally going to tell him, but…
This could be it. This could be his chance to confess to Shindong.
There's always the chance that Shindong would reject him, of course. He'd probably use Siwon's own technique against him, too; that would be pretty pathetic. Then he'd promise that this wouldn't affect their friendship, except it will because he'll be too awkward around Siwon; and slowly but surely, he'd pull away from the other until Siwon finds himself at university, alone and painfully aware of how close he is to his best friend who is completely out of reach—oh God, of course he can't confess to Shindong.
The aforementioned snaps his fingers in Siwon's face, and Siwon resolutely sticks to his plan. He throws a casual arm around Shindong's shoulder and forces them to keep walking. "I heard from the seniors before us that prom's more fun with friends anyway. Why go with some girl I don't know when I can go with you?"
"Siwon, I know you're lying to me."
"What?" Siwon's step falters.
"We're best friends, of course I know." Besides the fact that Siwon is unconsciously telegraphing, the other guys have found dates already. Siwon would have brought it up with all of them if he really wanted to go with friends.
Siwon bites his bottom lip, waiting for whatever fallout comes from his decision to open this can of worms.
Shindong sighs and slips his hand into Siwon's. He's learned touching helps. "It also means I know when to let it go. I'll go to prom with you, flower boy."
Siwon cannot contain himself. "HE SAID YES!" he yells into the sky as he runs around, hooting and hollering in unadulterated jubilation.
Shindong shakes his head with annoyed fondness as he continues walking home, expecting Siwon to catch up with him once he's tired out.
(And it turns out Siwon's seniors were right: prom is a lot more fun with friends.)
~~~
Their final hurrah takes place at the height of the summer. Between family vacations and Siwon moving in early for the summer basketball bootcamp the university is making him attend, it's the only time they'll have where all five are available before the fall comes and scatters them away.
Siwon's family lets them borrow one of their cars for the day, and they make the maknae drive them all the way to the beach as early as they could go (read: as early as Kangin could wake up). The day progresses with plenty of frisbee on the sand, frolicking in the sea, and flirting at the food shacks. The ever present feeling that this may be the last time all of them are gathered together in a long time is never lost on any of them, so they make the most of every moment, earning them unheeded glares from the lifeguard on duty.
Sunset finds them around a small bonfire near the surf. To no one's surprise, Kangin managed to lift some beers from his parents, so they drink as they talk and watch the embers float up into the gradually darkening sky. Gone with the sun is the high energy from the day, leaving behind a calmer and more contemplative atmosphere.
Heechul speaks up after a comfortable stretch of silence. "So, I already know what those two fogies are doing come fall," he says while pointing to where Siwon and Shindong sit on opposite sides of the fire, "but what about you guys?" he directs towards Kangin and Kibum. "All I know is that college really isn't the cards for you."
Kibum ducks his head shyly. "I, uh, made it past the first round of auditions at MS Entertainment."
"WHAT?!" "Like, the MS Entertainment!?" "Um, when was this?!" "You're thinking of joining the entertainment industry?"
The last question surprisingly comes from Siwon, and the other guys shoot him a look. Siwon lifts his hands up in defense. "It's just that, Kibum, I've never even heard you sing."
Kibum shakes his head. "No, I wanna be an actor. I realised it after I missed out on auditions for the school play. For just a few hours a day, it'll be nice to pretend I'm not me. I think I could be really good at it if I got the chance." The guys nod, knowing very well how Kibum struggles to be and express himself without pretense.
"I can't wait to see you on TV one day, man," Shindong says with a smile. "If you book a commercial, I am buying one thousand units of whatever you're selling. I don't care what it is. I'll end up with a thousand pairs of jeans if I must," Kangin jokes.
Kibum grins appreciatively and nods towards Kangin in turn. "What about you, then?"
Kangin puffs out his chest with pride. "I'm gonna start at a baseball development camp out in Gangwon. If I work hard and play my cards right, I might get recruited at one of the farm teams in the Futures League. It would be awesome if I got into one of the Seoul clubs, just so I could stay close to home."
Shindong smirks. "Okay, let's say you had to go to a southern team. Which one would you pick? 1, 2, 3…"
"The Dinos."
Heechul barks out a laugh. "If you think I'd go all the way to fuckin' Changwon just to see your sorry ass… Well, a bitch might."
Siwon quirks an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah? What is the self-proclaimed biggest star in the universe, the Great Kim Heechul, doing instead?"
"Whatever it takes, man," Heechul says with a snort. "I'll get some part time jobs here, travel a little there… Just figure life out as it comes."
Kibum nods, well-acquainted with Heechul's myself-against-the-world attitude. Shindong, for his part, tries his best to offer a smile without looking pitying. He can't help but feel like Heechul is making his life harder for himself than it has to be—but now's not the time, and neither is he the person, for that conversation.
Kangin counters, "You might find yourself in Gyeongsang anyway then, hyung."
"Yeah; and if you were paying attention to me, you would have known I acknowledged that already, dumbass. Clean the wax outta your ears."
"How about I clean your clock instead!" Kangin yells as he launches at Heechul, and they start wrestling in the sand.
Shindong watches, reveling in the familiarity of the moment, and thinks about how close he was to not having any of this. "When I first moved here, I was pretty sure I was gonna spend the school year alone." The words come out of his mouth without prompting; but now that they're out, he finds he actually has something to say.
The boys turn their attention to him, Kangin and Heechul halting their bickering and sitting in place where they found themselves on the sand, and Shindong continues. "You know. I was the new kid, I was only able to afford the school because of my scholarship, I'm fat. If life were like a TV show, that wouldn't have been the most successful combination of factors." He quirks the corners of his lips up in a wane half-smile, then turns his gaze from the fire to the earnest faces of his friends. "But I met you guys, and nothing happened like I thought it would. Thanks for giving me a chance."
"Aish," Kangin says as he gets up and moves back towards the group. He stops behind Siwon and places a hand on his shoulder. "Don't thank us; thank this guy. He texted us one day all, 'I invited the new kid to sit with us at lunch tomorrow. Try not to be dicks.' If it weren't for him, I probably would have pushed you into the lockers once or twice just for fun."
"I probably would have helped," Kibum says with a shrug.
"I probably would have filmed it," Heechul pipes up.
Siwon waves their comments away with good humour. "You guys aren't that mean. Maybe you would have slapped the books out of his hands, but that's really it."
"Maybe we aren't mean now, but that's because you made us soft. Remember when I made Go-seonsaengnim cry in freshman year just with a glare?"
The conversation readily turns to their early high school memories, which Shindong would normally have loved hearing about, but his attention is elsewhere.
The dim light afforded by the fire casts impermanent shadows on Siwon's face that alternately highlight his boyish features and give him the appearance of a grown man. Shindong watches this and feels like he's seeing the present blurring into the future before his very eyes, and he finds it especially poignant that Siwon is the focal point of that illusion considering his role in changing Shindong's own life.
He's going to miss his friends and the gentle feeling of home he managed to cultivate for himself among them, but at least he won't have to miss Siwon.
~~~
College is harder than Shindong thought it would be, but it's easier in other ways too. He plays the first semester safe (he's not trying to get his scholarship revoked before the first year is over, thank you very much); but when the second semester comes around, he knows what liberties he can take with himself to have more fun without sacrificing his studies.
So when the volleyball team holds a party and invites the basketball team, Siwon offers his plus one to Shindong, and he double-checks that he doesn't have a shift at the campus mailroom the next day… well, he doesn't say no.
It isn't the first time he's gotten drunk (there's no way you could be in Siwon's friend group for a year without sustaining at least one hangover); but after a whole semester and winter of working and studying practically non-stop, the lack of inhibitions feels better than it ever had before.
Siwon is far more drunk, however. He is as clingy as ever, introducing Shindong to all of his basketball friends (and even some strangers) and constantly slurring "I miss youuu" into his ears.
He would hate it except he loves it. He misses the guy, too, after all.
"Shindong! Let's go see the stars!"
Siwon drags Shindong to the backyard of the house holding the party, no less noisy but definitely less crowded. He happily settles down onto one of the logs around an unlit bonfire and pats the space next to him in a clear invitation. The happy grin on his face is replaced with a pout when Shindong decides to sit on a different log just to tease him, but that doesn't stop him. Siwon just moves to Shindong's log and cuddles into his friend's side, enjoying the warm feeling spreading inside him. Is it the beer or the company? In any case, it's the most cosy he's felt since school started.
Siwon chances a glance upwards at Shindong. Not for the first time, he cannot help but notice how soft the other looks in the moonlight. His cheeks always look so fluffy and pinchable, but Siwon has never wanted to hold Shindong's face more than he does right now.
When he notices that Shindong notices that he is looking at him, Siwon is just drunk enough to hold his gaze.
Siwon is just drunk enough to move his face forward, as slow as the movement ends up being. Maybe that's because he's drunk, too. He's definitely not sober enough to stop.
Then he's drunk in a different way, because Shindong is the one to bring their lips together.
The moment is perfect, even more perfect than Siwon had ever dreamed of—and oh, did he dream. In the back of his mind, he thinks about going to church three times a week from now on to thank God for this blessing.
He wants to deepen the kiss, he wants to lean closer, he wants to touch—but just as he thinks about doing any of that, Shindong pulls away with a giggle. Siwon laughs too, giddy and uninhibited as he is. He reaches for Shindong's hand and wonders how long the other has felt the same way as he did.
The hand for which Siwon had been reaching escapes to throw a bro-y, friendly punch into Siwon's shoulder. Siwon is mildly confused, but nothing can wipe the smile from his face now. He just kissed Shindong! Is right now too soon to be calling each other boyfriends?
"That wasn't so bad, right?" Shindong says as he looks back up at the sky.
Uh, right. Understatement of the century. That was amazing, stupendous, earth-shattering, future-defining—
Shindong keeps talking. "Not exactly how I thought that was gonna happen, but there's no planning for these sorts of things anyway. What's college for if not experimenting and cutting loose?"
Siwon's lovestruck internal monologue stutters to a stop. "What?"
"Don't get me wrong, you're the prettiest guy I know—full stop—but if kissing you doesn't make me feel something, then I definitely must be straight." Shindong starts cackling then, like he said the funniest joke in the world.
Siwon's hearing fails him, but all he can think about now is how badly he wants to rewind time.
He wants to go back to before he knew what Shindong's lips felt like.
He wants to go back to before he had the first drink.
He wants to go back to before he even met Shindong.
"I gotta go," he manages to say, crushed as he is under the weight of the guilt he felt when that last thought traitorously passed through his head.
Shindong laughs harder when he watches Siwon stumble away. Poor guy must be so drunk. He might not even make it to the bathroom in time.
~~~
Avoiding Shindong isn't as hard as one would think. They're different majors. They live in different residence halls. He has the basketball team too, and Shindong was never the kind of person that keeps up with all his friends' activities anyway. A little "Sorry, I'm meeting someone for a project" here, a little "Sorry, Coach is slamming us with extra practise" there, and a whole semester passes by without spending extended time with his best friend and—he's not afraid to say it now—the love of his young life.
And that's exactly why he needs to avoid Shindong. He can't face Shindong casually right now—not when the only thing that will be occupying his mind is the look on Shindong's face immediately before, not when his palms itch to touch the other's cheeks so he can fold that feeling into his memory. He can't know what it's like to kiss Shindong and not be able to kiss him again.
So he's depressed, he's lonely, and he's irritable—exactly the kind of mindset you want to be in when you meet someone new.
"Hi, I don't think we really talked before," the lanky kid says as he stands up straight from where he was leaning beside the open door to Siwon's room. "I'm Hyukjae, but my friends call me Eunhyuk. I live down the hall." He points over his shoulder with his thumb as if Siwon didn't know which hall he was referring to, and the gesture immediately gets on his nerves.
Siwon glares at him, and the guy—Hyukjae; they're not friends—smiles a wide, gummy grin. "Sorry to bother you like this, but I noticed you were taking your stuff to your car. Are you packing your things into storage for the summer?" Siwon nods mutely, unsure where the other is going with this and approximately three seconds away from blowing him off.
"Listen, I have, like," he pauses to rummage around in his pockets and count the pieces of paper he pulls out, "10000 won on me right now. If I give you that and pay for gas and—I don't know—buy you dinner afterwards, would you help me move mine into storage too?"
Siwon's glare turns incredulous, which makes Hyukjae facepalm. "Oh! And of course I would help you move your stuff. That's a given. Although… you certainly don't look like you need the help."
At this last statement, Eunhyuk gives him a quick once over, and Siwon bristles. This whole situation is really grating on him. Why did this guy look at him like that? Why does it bother him that he did? Why is he supremely against this mildly reasonable request?
(Well, he knows why, and that's only adding to his frustration.)
Hyukjae senses how close Siwon is to turning tail, so he resorts to drastic measures. "Bro, help me out," he begs as he clasps his hands and falls to his knees. "I live all the way out in Ilsan, and I don't have a car. I would be, like, super indebted to you!"
"Ilsan isn't that far away," Siwon points out unimpressedly.
"Indebted!"
He stares at the boy's pout, the hands grasping cumbled bills of won, and the mullet-esque hair and thinks he might actually be more pathetic than even Siwon feels these days.
"... Alright."
Siwon ignores the other's resulting cheers as he returns to his task. He figures that the sooner he gets this over with, the faster he can go back home for the summer.
~~~
Like Siwon said, Ilsan isn't that far away.
As in, he and Hyukjae didn't have the worst time together while moving their stuff, Hyukjae decided they are now friends, and Hyukjae commutes into Seoul every other weekend to pester Siwon into hanging out with him.
In the beginning, he had no problems brushing the other off. Hyukjae isn't bad people necessarily, but he's a brat.
Case in point: The first time he actually agreed to hang out, Hyukjae forgot his wallet and Siwon begrudgingly paid for their excursions that day. Hyukjae hasn't brought his wallet with him since.
After that first time, however, it became harder and harder to turn Hyukjae down. He's depressed, he's lonely, he's irritable—but somehow none of that has pushed Hyukjae away yet. Against his better judgement, Siwon cannot help but be drawn to the individual who is experiencing the worst Siwon has to offer and chooses to spend time with him anyway. It's… nice.
The summer proceeds like that: Eunhyuk having a new hare-brained adventure haphazardly planned for the day, Siwon's wallet finding itself thousands of won lighter each time, and Siwon slowly getting out of his funk and coming back to himself.
Even as the summer draws to a close and their event options dwindle down, Eunhyuk manages to find something for them to do. A couple of weeks before they're set to move back in for the beginning of the next school year, Eunhyuk takes Siwon to a trendy new pop-up cafe in Itaewon.
Siwon likes it. It's lively but not too loud, the food isn't half bad, and the interior is fresh-looking without being overly cute.
He doesn't say any of this though, mostly because Eunhyuk isn't really saying anything either.
It's a testament to how much he feels like his old self again that he strongly considers asking the other what's wrong. Old Siwon wouldn't have hesitated. New Siwon rationalises if something is really bothering the other, Eunhyuk would say something himself.
He's halfway through his cheesecake when Eunhyuk lets his fork clatter to his plate. "Siwon, there's never gonna be a good time or a good way to say this, so I'm just gonna say it. I like you."
Well, of course Eunhyuk likes him. He basically spent the whole summer with Siwon. The surprising part here is that Siwon means it when he says, "I like you, too."
Eunhyuk's eyes do something funny, then he shakes his head. "No, like—" He stops, takes a deep breath, and on the exhale he says, "Wanna go on a date with me?"
"... Oh."
And then Siwon's senses shift. His heart beat speeds up just a fraction more than it had been before Eunhyuk began talking, but he can't hear the crowd of the cafe anymore. Everything behind Eunhyuk's determined, hopeful face blurs into a mess of colours and light. When he swallows, he still has the aftertaste of the strawberry syrup from the cheesecake on his tongue.
"Um, okay," is all he says, but he can feel his lips tug upward in a small grin without his direction.
Siwon is greeted with a gummy smile, familiar yet new, and he cannot help but focus in on the revealed shade of pink.
~~~
Honestly, he forgets about Siwon.
There's only so many times he can get blown off before he stops trying to reach out in the first place, you know? Then midterms came around, then it was finals season, then he was too wrapped up in trying to find an on-campus job for the summer so that he wouldn't have to waste money and time moving out of his residence hall… Before he knows it, it's been a year since he and the guys had their beach day, and he uncomfortably realises he can't remember the last time he spoke to Siwon. Was it at that party in the beginning of last semester? That can't be right.
And yet, for a reason he cannot explain, he doesn't immediately reach out to Siwon first.
He starts off with Kangin, who hasn't made it to a team yet but has met with several scouts already and believes it's just a matter of time. Heechul answers him in English, of all things, and he has to use a translation app to find out that Heechul spent seven months in Australia as a freelance Hangul-speaking museum guide before coming back to South Korea to work at a brewery out in Jeju-do. When he texts Kibum asking if Kangin had made good on his promise to buy 100 units of whatever his latest commercial was selling, Kibum simply says, "lol."
Finally, the only one left is Siwon. Shindong is weirdly anxious to talk to him again, but he firmly pushes that aside.
He tries a text at first; but after two days with no response, he ups the ante.
"Hello?"
"Siwon-ah!" he cheers into the receiver. It had been so long since he heard Siwon's voice, and just the sound of it lifts his mood.
"Shindong-hyung, you called me." Siwon's voice sounds incredulous, and it makes him laugh. They're not people for phone calls, admittedly. It wasn't necessary back when they spent almost all their waking moments together.
"Hey, if you had just texted me back, I wouldn't have had to resort to such drastic measures."
Silence, then chuckles on the other end of the line. "Yeah, that one's on me, isn't it? I did that thing where I read it but only replied to it in my head."
Shindong waits for more, but Siwon doesn't continue from there. "So, um, what's been up with you lately?" he asks stiltedly. He frowns; he and Siwon don't do small talk. He tries again, "Did I mention I'm on campus for the summer? I got a job as the front desk guy at the Alumni Office. It has its boring moments, but at least I didn't have to move out of the dorms. I know some of the guys on my floor even rented a storage unit so that they wouldn't have to move back and forth with their stuff, which is just… so far beyond my budget right now, haha."
Siwon makes a funny noise like he choked on his own spit. "Siwon?!" Shindong calls concernedly into the line.
"It's fine, hyung," Siwon croaks out. "Listen, you kinda caught me at a bad time. I'd love to talk more, but I gotta go."
"Oh, sure," Shindong says in surprise. "See you when the school year starts up again, yeah?"
He holds onto the phone tightly. He doesn't know what he's wanting to hear exactly, but he waits in anticipation for Siwon's response anyway.
"Yeah, of course. See you later, Shindong."
The line clicks silent, and Shindong doesn't let himself read into it. Like Siwon said, it was just a bad time.
~~~
The new school year isn't terribly different from the previous one, but Siwon likes what it brings. He's still balancing the basketball team and classes, but he has Eunhyuk now. Eunhyuk introduces him to his best friend Donghae, and college starts feeling less like something happening to him and more like something he's living.
Early into the new semester finds the three of them grabbing lunch on campus, Siwon and Eunhyuk playing footsie under the table and ignoring Donghae's gags in the background. They're not really talking about anything important, so the conversation is easily derailed by the sound of someone hollering from across the student union.
"Siwon! Ya, Siwon!"
Siwon temporarily freezes. He didn't expect to hear that voice again so soon. He can feel his face do something funny as his body and his mind fight for control over what to do. He wants to play it cool; he wants to ignore the voice; but more than anything, he wants to see Shindong again. He has ever since the summer.
He listens to that part and turns around in his seat to wave. The sight of Shindong's eyes scrunched up in happy half-moons behind his thick-rimmed glasses makes his heart ache even as his body relaxes from tension he didn't know he was carrying. He misses Shindong.
"Siwon, you brat! I didn't hear from you much this summer, and I barely saw you last semester!" Shindong laughs jovially before turning to the other two at the table, and Siwon is surprised to remember they were there. "Hey, I'm Donghee, but you've probably heard this guy call me Shindong. Mind if I join you?"
Siwon eagerly motions for Shindong to grab a chair, and Donghae says, "Hey, Donghee. I'm Donghae." as if it were the most clever observation in the world.
Siwon eyes Shindong's politely amused grin and cannot help but laugh. God, he forgot how funny Shindong could be even when he isn't trying. The other brings a seat over to their table and chats pleasantly with Donghae, and Siwon takes the moment to take in the changes in his best friend.
His face is slightly less pudgy, but the puffy round cheeks Siwon loves so much are fully on display. He has a tiny ponytail sticking straight up from the crown of his fluffy hair, and it reminds Siwon of elementary schoolers on picture day in a way that warms his heart. He notices the suspenders and khakis combination that the other is wearing and remembers how hard it was for Shindong to get used to not having to wear a uniform to school anymore. It seems he finally settled on something that worked for him, as nerdy as it ended up looking. (Somehow, that is endearing, too.)
"Siwon, what's your weekend look like? We should do something, just you and me. Grab some newspapers, eat gyoza, catch up. You in?"
Siwon would like nothing more and almost automatically agrees. Luckily, before he could land himself in hot water with his excitement, his brain supplies that he and Eunhyuk were supposed to picnic in the park this weekend. He flicks his eyes over to his boyfriend, asking without words if he could go.
Eunhyuk nods, so Siwon says yes, and it feels like a piece of him that was asleep finally wakes up.
~~~
They're best friends again in no time.
Sure, there were some awkward instances when Shindong or Siwon would refer to memories that the other wasn't there for in a stilted reminder that there is time lost between them, but they easily catch each other up and fall back into old habits. Their lives intertwine in the seamless way they did back in high school, and Siwon's heart feels so full.
He can't help but ignore the red flags as a result. The more active he and Shindong are in each other's lives, the more he is aware of the fact that Shindong does not know the full extent of his relationship with Eunhyuk; and he admits he has made small—inconsequentially, really—concessions to keep it that way.
He's starting to suspect that Eunhyuk knows something is up, too. It brings him a little bit of guilt, but it's not like he's completely avoiding his boyfriend (been there, done that). Besides, the other hasn't said anything. He even invites Siwon over one weekend, so Siwon figures he probably hasn't messed up too badly yet.
When cuddling on the bed with legs intertwined while watching a movie turns into roaming fingertips and forgotten laptops droning on in the background, Siwon feels content like never before.
"Why does it feel like it's been forever since I kissed you?" he murmurs into Eunhyuk's hair afterwards, planting a kiss right there and embracing his boyfriend closer to his chest. He'd love to fall asleep like this…
But then Eunhyuk gently releases himself from Siwon's hold and sits upright in bed. "I have a feeling it has to do with how Donghee is hanging out with us a lot now," he says as he pulls his clothes back on.
Siwon's disappointment clears when his mind, unbidden, conjures up the memory of Shindong's reaction when he caught Heechul rounding second base with his date when they all went to the movies together one time. "Yeah, Shindong isn't big on PDA," he says as he follows Eunhyuk's lead.
"Sure, but I'm your boyfriend," Eunhyuk emphasises. "Hand-holding, kissing… stuff like that is pretty typical for most couples. He knows what he would be getting into when he hangs out with us, and he still shows up. Doesn't seem to me like it would really bother him."
Siwon's movement falters. So Eunhyuk has noticed. "I guess I'm just trying to be a little courteous," he hurries to say, the not-quite-a-lie sitting heavy on his tongue. "He doesn't know you yet, and I don't want to give my best friend any reason to dislike my boyfriend."
Siwon puts on his most convincing, disarming grin, and it somehow makes things worse. "You know, it's funny," Eunhyuk begins with light tone absolutely lacking in amusement, "Donghee's supposedly your best friend, but I haven't even heard of him before this semester. It's clear he hasn't heard of me either. Wanna explain why?"
Siwon frowns at the accusation. "He is my best friend." He may not have acted like it for a while there, but that fact will never change. It's just… "We weren't really, ah, talking much at around the time you and I met." He wants to stop there, but Eunhyuk raises an expectant eyebrow. "Um, remember that time in the student union? That was, sorta, the first time we had spoken in eight months."
The admission completely melts all of Eunhyuk's cold and angry tension, and the sight makes him even more antsy for some reason. Siwon is acutely aware that he didn't answer the entirety of his boyfriend's question, but the other is already moving on.
"You get why I'm bothered, right?" Eunhyuk asks as he sits back on the bed, and yes, Siwon does finally start to get how bothered the other really is. He's never seen Eunhyuk so despondent before. His entire being radiates tired sadness, and Siwon realises with a pang that he did that to him."This guy that I've never met before just shows up one day, and my boyfriend starts acting completely different around him!" Eunhyuk's pout has a chilling effect on Siwon without the hint of flirtation to which he was so accustomed, and Siwon has him wrapped up in a side-hug as if on autopilot. Eunhyuk happily cuddles into the embrace and lays his head on Siwon's shoulder, but Siwon barely notices, too consumed by the weight spreading all over his body.
He's fucked up.
He hasn't been going about this correctly at all, and it's hurting his boyfriend, and that hurts him, and he's fucked up.
He stands abruptly. "I gotta go."
"What?"
Siwon can barely hear the shocked hurt in his boyfriend's voice, he's so preoccupied with the immense and all-consuming guilt that weighs down his limbs. He can't get out of the apartment fast enough. He needs space; he needs more room so that terrible feeling that is expanding within him has somewhere else to go.
"Siwon, where are you going?!" Eunhyuk hurries after him and manages to intercept Siwon before he could open the door. If he were more himself, he'd chuckle at how his boyfriend, 9 centimetres shorter and 5 kilograms lighter, is trying to bodily prevent him from leaving; but in his state, even a feather could knock Siwon over.
"There's something you're not telling me, and I'm not letting you leave the apartment until you do. What is going on between you and Donghee?" he demands.
"Nothing!" Siwon despairs, and it's the truth.
"Why are you lying to me!"
"I've never lied to you," and that is also the truth.
"But you are keeping something from me." There's nothing Siwon can say to that, so he fidgets where he stands. Eunhyuk laughs mirthlessly. "And it's related to Donghee, too, isn't it? How long did you think you could go without telling me, huh? Did you think I wouldn't notice?!"
Siwon is still in flight mode, his brain is still foggy, so he latches onto the only coherent thought he has just so that he can respond to Eunhyuk. "Why don't you call him Shindong?"
Eunhyuk seizes in incredulous frustration. "Can you focus!? That is so beyond the point!"
Siwon closes his eyes and rubs his hands down his face in resigned acknowledgement. Yes, that was the wrong thing to say. "Hyuk, I'm sorry but… I really, really have to go. I need some time; I need to think. You deserve better than the first thought that pops into my head, but I can't give you that right here, right now."
Eunhyuk's shiny eyes are devastating even under the fluorescent glare of his apartment lights, and Siwon's heart urges him to do something. He steps forward, arms outstretched, but Eunhyuk steps out of his reach. "No, please," he says simply. He hastily wipes away the tears that pool at the rim of his eyes and looks anywhere but at Siwon. "When you touch me, I feel better even when I don't want to."
Siwon lets his arms fall back to his side. The need to leave wars with his need to comfort, so he does nothing.
Eunhyuk sniffles once, twice, then says, "Whenever something happens to me—big or small, bad or good—you've become the first person I wanna tell it to. Nothing feels real until I've told you about it." He hugs himself and turns away. "But you don't even want to talk to me."
Eunhyuk walks back to his room and lightly closes the door behind him, a silent cue for Siwon to leave. When he finally does several moments later, the image of Eunhyuk rejecting his touch replays in his mind, and his heart rebels with every step.
~~~
With time and distance, Siwon realises a lot of things about himself.
He's always wanted his first real relationship to be with someone he shared a lot with, someone he didn't have to force himself to spend time with or get to know, someone who made it all easy yet made the difficult parts worth it. He admits to himself that he always wanted his first real relationship to be with Shindong, but that evidently wasn't possible. Just when he had given up on that dream (and on himself), he found all of it and more in Eunhyuk, who literally showed up unannounced, bribed his way into Siwon's life, and pestered Siwon into letting him stay. Without knowing any of the details and without asking any questions, Eunhyuk managed to shake Siwon out of the depressive episode he was in simply by being himself. The warm excitement that coloured their days together were noted but taken for granted, and the cold emptiness that replaces it in the aftermath of their fight is frighteningly familiar. He regrets that it took the undeniable pain that can only come from heartbreak for him to realise that he had fallen in love with Eunhyuk, but at least he knows now.
He also now knows he's a coward.
He was a coward back in senior year when he couldn't tell Shindong why he asked the other to prom, he was a coward last semester when he cut Shindong out of his life for accidentally breaking his heart, and he's a coward now.
With Shindong is back in his life, Siwon thought he could somehow keep both his past love and his current love in the exact ways he wanted them without having to have any uncomfortable conversations, that the two of them would get along fabulously, and that Siwon's happiness would simply fall into place.
He also now knows he's an idiot.
Siwon has always prided himself on being a man of action. He had enough time and distance to reflect, recalibrate, and reload, so it is time for him to gather his courage and react.
He texts Shindong to do homework together at his place then immediately goes out to buy some food just to have something to do with the nervous energy that buzzes within him. He even buys snacks that he knows only Shindong likes because he needs every advantage he can get. He returns with no less pent-up energy than with which he started, so he sets to cleaning the whole apartment. He even attempts to do his homework to distract himself before he remembers homework is the ruse he told Shindong to lure the other over.
His nervous energy is apparent the second Shindong steps foot in the apartment. "Okay…" Shindong drags out as he plops his stuff onto the kitchen table that doubles as Siwon's desk. "Is there a major exam you're freaking out about or something? I can't promise I know anything, but I can promise to help you study."
Siwon lets a ghost of a smile cross his face, fondly remembering their intense study sessions back in high school that none of their friends were brave enough to join more than once. The memory passes, and he sighs. "No, it's not about class."
Shindong gestures. "Well? Out with it then. You know I'm just gonna leave if you're not gonna focus, and I really don't want to leave when there's an unopened pack of honey apple twists right there."
Honey apple twists are also Eunhyuk's favourite, so Siwon starts there.
"Eunhyuk is a man of questionable taste," Shindong pontificates as he munches on the newly opened snack. "He loves honey apple twists but hates seafood. He's best friends with Donghae but spends all his free time with you. What an enigma."
Siwon tries to chuckle, but it doesn't work. He takes a deep breath instead. He can't think of anything else to say except: "I think he's in love with me."
Shindong stops chewing. "What?"
"I think Eunhyuk and I spend a lot of time together because he's in love with me."
Shindong frowns, brows furrowed and looking genuinely upset. It takes Siwon aback for long enough that he gets distracted. "What?" he parrots.
"Dude, that's fucked up."
"What are you talking ab—"
"You can't just string him along like that! What is he gonna do when he finds out you don't like guys? Bro, if Heechul were here right now—actually, I'm just gonna call him because maybe you need to hear why that's fucked up from someone who gets it."
And there it was.
Every unspoken fear he'd ever had, every answer to his heartbreak, every problem he never solved.
He reaches out with his head down and gently stops Shindong's hand, halfway to dialling their high school friend whom Siwon hasn't spoken to since graduation. "I love him, in any case," he says to the ground.
Shindong lets his hand hold his phone in midair. "What?"
Siwon takes a breath, counts to three, and lifts his head to look Shindong in the eyes. "Shindong, Eunhyuk and I are dating. He's my boyfriend. He has been since the summer."
Shindong says nothing.
"I'm gay," Siwon says at last, so easily, because he knows that's not going to be the hardest confession of the night.
As soon as he says it, he can see the way so much clicks into place in Shindong's astute, masterful, beautiful mind.
"Is that why I haven't seen you since last semester," Shindong says instead of asks, "because you realised after our kiss and didn't want to tell me."
But not even Shindong can draw the correct conclusion when he isn't provided with every relevant fact. If he could, they would have cleared the air so long ago.
"No," Siwon says as he draws away, clasping his hands tight on his lap and wishing he could have told Eunhyuk he was gonna do this. He'd have said something to cheer Siwon up, and Siwon would remember that now, and it could give him courage. The only thing he has right now is the truth.
"No, that was because I was in love with you, and I realised you'd never love me back, and I needed time."
The silence that stretches out between them is awkward like no silence has ever been, even in the first few times they hung out again after reconnecting.
"For how long?" Shindong finally says.
Siwon tries to remember but finds he can't. It must have been one of those things that wasn't tied to any specific event, but a slow build until the whole of the structure was unmistakable. "Since the beginning, basically," he eventually settles on. "Not since the first day we met, no, but very, very close to it. I barely remember a time when I didn't know you and wasn't already in love with you."
"I see."
He finally looks at Shindong, who notices and meets his gaze for a moment before looking down at the table. In that one moment, Siwon could tell from Shindong's eyes that he can see now. He can tell the way Shindong is re-remembering every interaction they've ever had in a new light, and he simply waits. He has no more cards left to play.
Finally, Shindong looks back at him and says, "You should have told me. We should have talked about it. I could have been there for you."
Siwon smiles bittersweetly and looks away. "But not in the way I wanted you to be, and that's why I never said anything. No doubt, you would have absolutely been there. You would have been your funny, action-oriented, perfect self, within arms' reach but not mine for me to hold, and it would have broken me. Broken me worse than if you had dropped me as a friend completely."
Shindong is taken aback by the strength of Siwon's words, the seriousness with which he said them. "You must have been really in love with me."
Siwon turns the bittersweet smile to him then, tears shining in his eyes, and says, "So much. I loved you so much."
Shindong's heart breaks for his friend, his best friend, who suffered all alone and all on his account. He fiercely tugs Siwon into a hug and lets Siwon cry out every tear, every emotion, every everything from the last two years, all while murmuring "I'm sorry; I'm so, so sorry" into his friend's shoulder.
"For what it's worth, I loved you, too. I still do," he says when Siwon's tears subside into sniffles, but the younger is still clinging onto him. Shindong won't let go until he does.
"I know. I know you did, do. Me too," Siwon hiccups out.
With one last squeeze, he pulls away to give Shindong a watery but bright-eyed smile, and Shindong gives him one right back. The clock in the kitchen tells him they were only like that for seven minutes, but in that time it feels like they just relived every day of their entire friendship, finally on the same page.
"I'm in the mood for pizza," he says abruptly, reaching for his phone forgotten on the table. "Do you still like pineapples with yours?"
Siwon chuckles while wiping away some latent tears. "Please, yes. Eunhyuk won't let me eat that around him because 'it's gross American food,'" he says with air quotes.
"Maybe Eunhyuk is a man of taste after all," Shindong says as he waits for the phone to ring. He catches Siwon's eye just to sneer, "What's he doing dating you?"
Siwon laughs, a whole-belly laugh, and gets a second wind when Shindong calmly rattles off Siwon's own credit card number for the payment information.
~~~
It's been almost two weeks since Eunhyuk last spoke to Siwon, the memory of his boyfriend's face as he begged for time haunting his undistracted moments. He's busied himself with dance practice, homework, and even once tried accompanying Donghae to the gym just to get his mind off of how much more lonely he feels. It was pretty bad before when Eunhyuk was convincing himself that the way his boyfriend was pulling away was all in his head, but with confirmation from Siwon himself, it just got so much worse.
Donghee—He's not about to start calling him by that ridiculous nickname. The only thing Donghee is good at, as far as he's concerned, is ruining his mood—first came into the picture like spilled paint across a canvas: completely and all at once where before there was none. He showed up at group hangouts and even tagged along to his and Siwon's casual day dates, sometimes at Siwon's own behest!
Siwon also didn't touch Eunhyuk as much when Donghee was around, which is saying something because Siwon is literally the clingiest man in all of South Korea. To have such a gentle, romantic, constant aspect of his relationship almost completely stop without explanation… Of course Eunhyuk was lonely. The only thing that stopped him from saying something sooner was how undeniably happy Siwon was with Donghee back in his life, and Eunhyuk didn't want to ruin that for him.
But now it seems like their whole relationship is ruined instead, and the idea that this is how it all ends makes him even more miserable.
It is during one of these pessimistic slumps that he gets a text from Siwon that he, Donghae, and Donghee are working on the quad together. Siwon signs it with "I miss you 😘," and Eunhyuk's heart clenches. He misses Siwon too, but he's not really in the mood to watch him and Donghee together.
He realises he's not really in the mood to be alone right now either. He considers texting Donghae to fake some emergency so that he could be with Eunhyuk, but Donghae texts him first. "don't bail i promise."
The fact that Donghae, the only one who happens to know the full extent of Eunhyuk's insecurities and worries about the situation, is the one saying that piques his interest. If Donghae thinks it'll be safe for him, Eunhyuk will trust that.
He sees them before they see him, and it plays out slowly like a movie. They're all sitting in a quasi-circle on the grass in the middle of a laugh. The scene is so picturesque, and the jealous pang in his chest rings loud and true.
He almost turns on his heel right then and there, but Siwon notices him before he can.
Siwon's smile is bright and free, and he makes grabby hands for Eunhyuk like he hasn't in a while. Eunhyuk's feet carry him forward without him telling them to, and he has a feeling that was his heart leading. Despite it all, next to Siwon is where he wants to be.
He settles into the space by Siwon with a little unease, which dissipates completely when Siwon shifts them so that Eunhyuk is between his open legs and Siwon is giving him a cosy backhug. As much as he wants nothing else, Eunhyuk fights the urge to lean in, acutely aware of Donghee's presence.
"Siwon-ah." Eunhyuk squirms. "I'm 'Siwon-ah' now, not 'Siwonnie?'" He can hear Siwon's pout even as the other squeezes Eunhyuk to himself tighter. He puts a little more effort into escaping Siwon's embrace, but Siwon simply uses his legs to lock him in.
Eunhyuk laughs; he can't help it. He wiggles as frantically as possible—not to actually get out of Siwon's hold, just to give him a hard time trying to hold on—and Siwon playfully bites his ear to get him to stop. Eunhyuk lets out a mock gasp, prepared to do something drastic, when all of a sudden they both tumble onto the grass.
Eunhyuk looks up to see Donghee calmly returning to his spot, acting like he did nothing wrong and ignoring how Donghae assaults his back with amusement. "I've wanted to do that for forever!" Donghae cackles.
In embarrassment, he begins to sit up, but Siwon doesn't let him, instead pulling Eunhyuk back down and on top of him. He looks for the reason why in Siwon's eyes, and Siwon just gives him a small smile before leaning up to brush his lips against Eunhyuk's. It was a soft little thing, but it calms him down nevertheless.
He folds his hands on Siwon's chest and rests his head on top of them, facing the side where the other two weren't sitting. "I thought Shindong isn't big on PDA," he repeats, keeping his voice neutral but loud enough for Siwon to hear. In this position, he can hear Siwon's heartbeat as he plays with the collar of Siwon's shirt. He doesn't know what to make of its calm and strong cadence when he knows the other can feel his own heart rate spike in nervousness.
"You're my boyfriend, though," Siwon maintains, echoing their conversation from a week before with the roles noticeably reversed.
Eunhyuk jerks his head up to face the other. He doesn't think Siwon has called him his boyfriend in front of Donghee yet before.
Siwon must see something in his face because he reaches up to hold one of the hands on his chest and squeezes twice. I'm sorry about that, it says. We'll talk about everything later. Eunhyuk nods, looking at Siwon with so much trust in his eyes that Siwon smiles the same wide, happy grin that made Eunhyuk fall for him in the first place.
With a louder voice, Siwon says, "Besides, Shindong's a big guy. He'll find it within him to get over it."
"YA! DID YOU JUST MAKE A FAT JOKE ABOUT ME?!"
Siwon winks at Eunhyuk before sitting them upright and into a more casual cuddle, Eunhyuk against Siwon's side and Siwon's arm across Eunhyuk's shoulder.
Eunhyuk ignores the ensuing banter between Siwon, Shindong, and Donghae, instead looking up to observe his boyfriend. Siwon's different again, but in a good way, he decides. For the first time since they met, Siwon looks completely unburdened, completely secure.
And yet he's still here, holding Eunhyuk to him like he used to, which means whatever Siwon let go of, it wasn't him.
Eunhyuk knows they still have to talk, that there’s a lot of explaining Siwon has to do and a lot of confused pain he has to work through, but he also knows there's time for that now. Siwon isn't going anywhere; and neither is he, for that matter.
He looks over at the other two across the way and muses that Shindong isn't going anywhere either, but he finds that's not such a problem anymore.
(Siwon's laugh breaks his concentration, and he notices that's different, too—better than before, even.)
In fact, he might even welcome it.
~~~
#super junior#super junior fanfiction#shinwon#sihyuk#siwon#shindong#eunhyuk#choi siwon#shin donghee#lee hyukjae#jaso*
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MLB rant
At this point, I am genuinely pissed at Miraculous. Among other things, Thomas has wrecked the quality of the show over shipping bullshit with episodes like weredad and, in the process, fucked everything over so that now, no matter what happens or who ends up with who, it’s going to be shit. In a lot of ways, he’s done to Miraculous what Bryke did to Avatar in the comics- ruined established characters and the overall story by trying and failing to take care of the relationships/shipping. At this point, Marinette’s character is so awful in relation to this that I truly can’t fathom how Adrien and Luka can still tolerate her, never mind actually like her. Where she should have been steadily improving this whole time, she is instead getting much worse. This, of course, is because the show is constructed such that there is only the few main plot aspects everything revolves around (Hawkmoth and the love square) but, even though Astruc is clearly trying to drag the show out, he isn’t adding any other layers to the show to make up for how flat it is, so in the process of keeping those main plot points static, he has ended up fucking over his own show and dragging Marinette’s character down. At the start of the series, Marinette was clumsy and socially awkward but in a somewhat endearing way. Now, a school year or so later, she hasn’t improved at all and, in spite of now being Ladybug which would be the perfect catalyst for her character development, she’s genuinely getting worse to the point where, as we see in Desperada, she now acts like she has brain damage or something.
The degradation of Marinette’s character is a direct result of Atruc trying to shut down side ships, including some within the love square, in spite of how completely unnecessary it was. He shouldn’t have been doing stuff like that at all, honestly, but things like that should have only been done if and when he was going into the endgame and setting up to finally put them into canon relationships. There are a few ways he could have done this more successfully:
1. In season 2, after Ladybug flat out rejects him, have that be enough to initiate the process of Adrien moving on and have him be completely over her by the end of the season but leave him single. Meanwhile, from the beginning of the show, it should be shown how the way Adrien constantly says that Marinette is “just a friend” wears on her over time, plus Luka showing up adds another element that would shake things up and leave her feelings for Adrien unsteady. Eventually, maybe later season 2, Adrien would make another comment like that again and that would be the last straw at which point she’d be done. Shortly after that, she’d get together with Luka.
2.Kinda like what I just described but after Adrien gets over Ladybug and Marinette gets over him, they could get together as Marichat in some rich dramatic irony.
So then there is the matter of character development. I’ve already lamented Marinette, but I’d argue that basically none of the characters have any significant character development. Chloe had the opportunity that got royally fucked over, which was probably also for the sake of maintaining stasis, but other than a couple people here and there, there isn’t much to be found. I think this is because there isn’t actually much content, when it comes to this show. About half of each episode is taken up by the akuma and what’s left tends to be more concerned with cute things like Marinette facetiming Alya about Adrien or bringing some macrons somewhere or whatever and, like I said earlier, there are no subplots that would provide more depth to the show and help promote character growth. I think it would work better if a) there were subplots and b) there wasn’t an akuma every episode, maybe just every couple. It gets really boring and repetitive to have half of every episode be basically the same and take up so much space so that there isn’t room to put in real shit and character growth around it.
Regarding Chloe, if they were going to give her a fucking miraculous, they should’ve been planning on using that to kickstart her redemption arc. It makes absolutely no sense to trust her with it and then have her proceed to not change at all. All it does is create a shitty situation where this bitch is now a superhero but she’s still a mega bitch so then when she no longer gets to be a superhero, that adds to her being a miserable bitch. Honestly, it doesn’t even remotely make sense why Marinette gave it to her in the first place and when I look back on it I think it’s literally nothing more than pure pandering in response to what people were posting on Tumblr. It would’ve made a lot more sense for her to have had some level of preliminary character development first before Marinette presented her with the miraculous. Also, maybe it could be after she’d made a bitchy comment about Chloe that then got a response that showed Marinette how she was wrong and made her feel bad and this is her way of making it up to her but, more importantly, showing how she’s getting over her prejudice and now choosing to put faith in Chloe and support the progress she and those around her have witnessed. Then, the miraculous and the responsibilities that go with it (plus Marinette’s inevitable end of episode apology) would catalyze Chloe’s continued growth and development but like the amount of growth she’d have already would be enough for her to act more maturely and keep her identity a secret, which would be A Thingᵗᵐ.
However, along that same vein, I think it’s absurdly stupid how they really went with the “everyone gets a miraculous (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ *:･ﾟ ” thing. It makes sense to bring in one more but not this bullshit where everybody gets one but only sometimes. Bring on one more, permanently, maybe even add another later on (MUCH later on) if necessary but don’t just have this bullshit where Marinette just picks the flavor of the day. Also, her now being the guardian is the genuine worst decision, period. If it’s really that important to boot Wu and bring in a new guardian, have it be someone else like Alya, idk or, even better, a new character entirely. Wu said he had to be trained so I’d like to propose to have it so that he’s been training one for a while but we just don’t see them because since their training is incomplete, Wu can’t trust them with Ladybug and Chat Noir’s secret identities yet. But jesus fuck, Marinette should not be that person. She’s already quite Mary Sue already, she really doesn’t need that and the episode where she’s able to weild all the miraculouses to just throw in more shit about how she’s so good and so powerful and all that stuff.
So, then, there are inconsistencies in the writing, mainly in regards to their secret identities and shipping. In one of the episodes in season three, Master Wu told them they would have to give up their miraculouses if they ever learned each other’s identities, which is incredibly fucking stupid since he then just hands her all the miraculouses and makes her the new guardian. So she’s just supposed to hold that boundary because he told her to when she’s now the one who’d be enforcing it and taking the miraculouses if that ever came to be? So if (when) they learn their identities, she’s supposed to, as the guardian, take Adrien’s and give up her own miraculous but then keep on being the guardian? I think the line from Master Wu was supposed to add drama and suspence but that only works if you don’t go and negate it three seconds later. The other inconsistency that, to me, was glaringly obvious and just as annoying was when Marinette, Adrien, and Kagami went to Andre’s. Back when this guy was first introduced, the way it all worked was that when someone came up, he’d make them an individualized ice cream cone based on the person they love. In season three, all of a sudden, for no reason whatsoever, the fact that it’s three people coming up to get ice cream changes the entire system to some other bullshit all so we can get some over done, in-your-face adrienette vs adrigami tension in which Marinette is a Good Girlᵗᵐ.
Then, lastly, I find it extremely odd how there are practically no background characters and that the few there are tend to be recurring. If there are going to be 77+ episodes of “oh no that dude got akumatized”, it would be prudent to have more throwaway background characters to use for the akumas and then only use the main/recurring ones for that intermittently and only when it adds something to the episode and/or the plot as a whole. The classroom kids shouldn’t be the default, they should be used sparingly and with care. Not to mention how it also would be good to have more background characters just so stuff like scenes where they’re in the hallways in between classes don’t look so awkward because there’s just this one class of kids in this entire school (plus Marco) and literally nobody else. It’s a thing in every film or show that has ever been made but in this one, for no reason, there just are no extras and it feels so awkward at times.
The way that every single episode is set up the same and how there is that lack of background characters to akumatize so there ends up being a bunch of reakumatizations, plus the way that nothing much actually happens, in terms of plot progression, after season one all make it so that the show as a whole after the end of season one feels really stagnant. It’s like Astruc is trying to hold out and wait to drop actual resolution to any of the main plot points until later on but he hasn’t sufficiently constructed other layers to the story, like subplots, to have it still be engaging. In my opinion, MLB could’ve actually been completely tied up with the whole Hawkmoth business back in the season one finale, based on the content of the show, because there’s just not that much there. It makes me mad because the show has a great concept and I love the characters, but it’s just been shit and it’s not getting better.
#miraculous#miraculous ladybug#miraculous adventures of ladybug and chat noir#marinette dupain cheng#adrien agreste#chloe bourgeois#luka couffaine#kagami tsurugi#hawkmoth#gabriel agreste#thomas astruc#anti mlb#anti miraculous#ml critical#mlb critical
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Stolen Dance | Ch. 2
Notes: Is this only gonna get 3 notes and 0 reblogs? Yes. Do I give a fuck? nope!
Word Count: 5.6k
Warnings: None I can think of.
Song: Warm With You - Hayden Calnin
Part 1
Spencer was gone by morning. He had a plane to catch, so you understood. A part of you wished you had the chance to say a real, verbal goodbye, but your conscious knew a silent departure was for the better. Watching the only man you’ve had a mental, emotional, and physical connection with walk out the door would be plain cruel. It was better for him to disappear without a trace.
Only… it wasn’t without a trace.
On the pillow Spencer hardly slept on was a note.
‘702-555-0103
Keep in touch.
-Spencer.’
You were so, so screwed.
After taking a shower and getting dressed, you were still practically vibrating. The more you thought about it, the higher your hopes grew. You started thinking of alternate scenarios, a world where you and Spencer were in love and alone. A world where state lines and job interferences didn’t exist. The more you thought about it, though, the more you realized that a world like that could be true.
State lines exist. High-demand jobs exist. Families exist. No matter how badly you wanted it to be true, a single man couldn’t make all those things go away. And yet, you pulled out your phone and added his number to your contact list. Because when it came to Spencer Reid, you went against your better judgement. You ignored your instincts. You broke your own rules. Really, you wouldn’t have it any other way.
A knock on your door pulled you out of your fantasy.
You walked to the door and looked through the peephole. With a slight frown, you pulled away and opened the door.
“Agent Hotchner,” you said in surprise.
“Hello Y/N,” he greeted. Despite it being 7:30 in the morning, he was wearing a suit. You wondered if he ever got tired of doing so.
“How do you know where I live?” You asked.
“Sheriff Longman,” he answered simply. “May I come in?”
“If you want,” you shrugged, stepping aside so he could enter. You gestured to the small table in the kitchen. “Can I get you anything? Coffee, water..?”
“Coffee would be great, thanks.”
You brewed a pot while you were showering, so thankfully, it sat on the hotplate, full and ready to be poured. You took two mugs from the cupboard, put a splash of milk in one, and let only coffee fill the other. You took a seat across from Hotch, pushing the mug of black coffee towards him.
“Thank you,” he said, then observed the hot beverage. “What makes you think I take my coffee black?”
“You’re a man of authority, and judging by your composure, you have been for awhile,” you said. “The lines on your face and bags under your eyes suggest you don’t get much sleep, so considering this and your demanding career, you drink coffee to function. You got used to the taste, eventually.”
You raised your own mug to your lips, then laughed nervously in realization. “Sorry. After helping with the case, my filter came off.”
“How long have you been profiling?” Hotch asked.
“Since before I knew its name,” you answered. “My dad always said ‘people watching’ was my hobby. Most people just think I’m good at spotting liars.”
“What do you think?”
You shrugged. “I’ve been profiling for as long as I can remember. I like studying people’s habits, learning the way they think. Humans fascinate me.” You paused. “Why are you here, exactly?”
Hotch smiled briefly, probably at how long it took you to ask. “You weren’t at the station for very long yesterday.”
“I talked to Caleb while you guys were arresting Beck,” you explained. “We talked. By the time you got back, I knew what I needed to know.”
“Which is?”
“I messed up the profile.”
His eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “How so?”
“Caleb Chasing made mistakes when it came to his marriage, but he’s not a bad man. He told me it was his fault they ever got divorced, and that Stephanie didn’t win full custody, he gave it to her.”
“Really?”
You nodded, sipping your drink. “It wasn’t court-ordered, but Caleb took the kids every other weekend. Stephanie agreed to that. I totally misread the situation.”
“You didn’t,” Hotch disagreed. “Your profile was spot on.”
You frowned. “How?”
“Stephanie was his type, and her divorce with Caleb was the stressor.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Austin didn’t kill because he was angry with Stephanie: he was angry with Caleb,” Hotch explained. “His love for Stephanie didn’t go away after she married, but his anger towards Caleb amplified.”
“He loved her so much that he didn’t kill Caleb,” you whispered in realization. “He wanted to hurt Caleb, but he knew it would hurt her, so he refrained.”
Hotch nodded.
“But why not just kill Caleb?” you said.
“Like you said, hurting Caleb would hurt Stephanie. Invert that logic.”
“The women were surrogates for Stephanie, and when he was done with them, he used them against Caleb.”
“Your profile was right,” Hotch repeated. “We brought in the wrong man, yes, but without Caleb, we never would have found Beck. We wouldn’t have found Caleb without your profile.”
“I’m just glad I could help,” you ceded. You paused. “Did he ever mention why he washed and folded the clothes?”
“He thought he was doing Stephanie justice,” Hotch answered. “He made his victims take off their clothes before he raped them, and after killing them, he wanted to touch the body as little as possible. That’s why he didn’t redress them.”
“So there was no blood on their clothes,” you thought aloud. “Beck just genuinely thought he was doing them a service.”
Hotch nodded. You merely shuddered in response.
“Have you ever considered becoming a Behavioral Analyst?” Hotch proceeded to ask.
You looked up in surprise. “That’s... not really an option around here,” you replied.
“You could relocate,” Hotch said. “You served in the Army, which means you could attend classes virtually anywhere, and they would be paid for.”
“Are you offering me a job, Agent Hotchner?” You asked, confused.
“I can’t promise anything, but considering your background and natural abilities, I think it’d be fairly easy to find an opening for you in the BAU,” Hotch told you. “You proved yourself to everyone on my team, including myself. All you would need is the credentials. ...That is, if you’re interested.”
You bit your lip, considering your options.
Hotch wasn’t offering you anything concrete, but damn if he wasn’t offering you something. You hardly knew the man, yet something told you it wasn’t everyday that he told someone they’d make a good profiler, especially when said person isn’t even in law enforcement. Not to mention, he was absolutely right — your service in the Army covered the tuition of practically any school you could dream of going to. You could get your degree in New York, or California, or DC.
You could be within a few miles of Spencer, rather than a few hundred.
When it came down to it, though, you didn’t live in a fairytale. Similar to your ‘relationship’ with Spencer, conflicts arose. You already had a job, and you loved it. Colorado, though not your favorite place to live, was home, and it wasn’t done with you yet. Life wasn’t as easy as moving across the country to pursue a career while courting a man who might not even be interested in you.
“I can’t leave,” you said quietly. “My life is here.”
Hotch didn’t seem to react; over the years, he mastered his poker face.
“It’s a lot to think about,” Hotch sympathized, “and I don’t expect an immediate answer. In fact, I don’t need an answer at all. All I ask is that you consider.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out a small card. “If you need anything, give me a call.”
Two phone numbers from two men in the span of two days. It seemed as though your bad luck charm was officially broken.
It took you 3 months to call Spencer. It wasn’t that you forgot, or met someone else — he crossed your mind everyday. And yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to speak to him.
For a long time, you tried convincing yourself that he didn’t really care. You decided he gave you his number out of charity, or because he didn’t want to be a guy who has meaningless sex. It took you a long time to consider the fact that he might actually like you, might actually want to spend time with you. That he might want to see you again as desperately as you wanted to see him.
Once you came to this conclusion, an opportunity fell in your lap.
You decided to finally call Spencer right before your shift started. Other people probably considered it to be the worst possible time, but you thought through your plan for days before the execution. Your work kept you busy, which meant you wouldn’t have time to think about your boy troubles. You’d be too busy saving lives. Also, your shift was at night, so by the time you got home, you’d be too exhausted to let your worries keep you up. It seemed like a win-win situation.
When everyone left the locker room, you sat down on the bench with a nervous breath. Your stomach was in knots and it got harder to breathe with each passing second. Biting the bullet, you went to your contact list, scrolled down to the “S” section, and dialed the first name you read.
After 3 rings, the call went to voicemail. Though this partially worried you, it mostly made you feel relieved. It would be so much easier talking to his answering machine.
‘This is Dr. Spencer Reid. I can’t come to the phone right now, so please, leave a message,’ a recording of his voice said.
It wasn’t a fake number. You sighed, endlessly grateful.
“Hi, Spencer,” you said, sounding like you had just run a marathon. You cleared your throat in an attempt to sound more composed. “This is Y/N, the paramedic from Colorado,” you said. “I was invited to this wedding in Vegas, and I was wondering if you wanted to be my plus one. It’s over the weekend, so you should be back to work by Monday.”
You laughed nervously. “I honestly don’t know if you even remember me. If you don’t, or if you don’t want to go, please ignore this message. If you do remember me, and you do want to go, feel free to text me or give me a call back. That’s it, I guess. Goodbye, Dr. Reid.”
The butterflies in your stomach dispersed by the time you hung up. You ran your hands through your hair, feeling both triumphant and anxious. You pushed the latter emotion to the side. The worst part was over. The ball was in his court.
_____________________
Your shift was the longest you’d had in a while. You resuscitated a middle-aged man, tended to to the bloody aftermath of a bar fight, and delivered a baby, all within the span of your 12-hour shift. Normally, your days were much, much slower. The silver lining was that you didn’t have a second to spare, which meant you went half a day without thinking of Spencer and the voicemail you left for him. That aspect of your plan worked out pretty well.
Once you got home, you tossed your coat onto the table and dropped your bag to the floor. You were exhausted. Despite the change of clothes you went through in the middle of the night, you still smelled like blood and other various bodily fluids. Oh, the glamour of working in the medical field.
Not wanting to bring the grime of your job into your bed, you hopped into the shower. You were in and out quick, deciding against washing your hair. You only wanted to clean up so you could get some sleep.
Once you were out of the bathroom, you walked back into your bedroom. You checked your phone, which you left on the nightstand. You had one text left unread.
‘Spencer: which weekend?’
So much for sleeping.
_____________________
Over the next month, you and Spencer worked out the details. The wedding was a great excuse, but Spencer actually proposed the idea of spending more time together, which may or may not have made you squeal. Thankfully, you were alone when you read the text, so only you had to live with the embarrassment.
The wedding was on Saturday. The flight he ended up scheduling was for Wednesday. He’d spend the night at your apartment, and on Thursday morning, the two of you would start a 7+ hour road trip to Nevada.
You enjoyed road trips already, so the idea of spending that time with Spencer seemed almost too good to be true. Plus, the fact that two nights would be spent at a hotel was no accident. You wanted to drag those 7 hours out for as long as possible, and Spencer didn’t seem too opposed to the idea.
If everything went according to plan, the two of you would be back in Colorado by Monday, and his returning flight was scheduled for Tuesday morning. Almost an entire week of nothing but him. You could only hope he was as excited as you were.
Though it seemed like a fantasy, Wednesday did come. You stood in the airport, holding a sign that read “Dr. Spencer Reid”. Mostly, it was a joke, but a part of you thought he may have forgotten your face.
Eventually, you saw a tall, gangly brunette with glasses make his way down the escalator. Your face broke into a smile as you lifted the sign above your head. You managed to catch Spencer’s attention. He broke into a grin.
Once he made his way through the crowd, Spencer simply stood in front of you for a moment. He looked your frame up and down, taking in every inch of beauty he saw. His eyes met yours.
“Hi,” he said quietly, smiling.
“Hello,” you responded.
The two of you chuckled and hugged each other.
He was quite a bit taller than you, so moments after wrapping your arms around him, you felt his chin settle onto your shoulder. When he adjusted, you felt his lips against your neck. You held him tighter.
“You look… amazing,” he said breathlessly, pulling away. He kept his hands on your arms.
Your face was beginning to hurt because of how much you were smiling. “Thank you. So do you.”
You reached your hand up, carding your fingers through his hair. “You cut your hair.”
“You like it?” He asked. There was a small, almost microscopic nervous edge in his voice.
“I like you,” you said simply.
That earned you a kiss.
To anyone passing by, the two of you looked like any average couple: happy to be reunited, and happy to be in love. Oh, how you wished it was that simple.
You weren’t sure Spencer was in love. You weren’t sure you were in love, if you were completely honest. All you knew was that around him, the world disappeared, at least for a little while. No one’s made you feel that way in your life, not even before you joined the Army.
You saw some things overseas, some things you wanted desperately to forget. You thought resigning and returning home would fix that, make you forget. All it seemed to do so far, though, was distract you with other things you also didn’t want to think about. It seemed like, no matter how hard you tried, you could no longer see in color. Since the Army, since your father… you saw the world in black and white.
Not around him, though. Around him, there was more color than you could fathom. Instead of trying to figure out why, you kissed him. You kissed him, and for the life of you, you didn’t want to stop.
By Thursday evening, the two of you had been on the road for almost 4 ½ hours. You had done most of the driving, but you didn’t mind. With Spencer in the passenger seat, you could be occupied for days.
All you had to do was ask about a highway or a structure you passed, and for the next 15 minutes, Spencer would tell stories. You were sure some people found it annoying — he stopped his rants several times to see if you were still interested. That broke your heart a little. You understood that his job could have intense moments where only basic information is needed, but you had a feeling that wasn’t the only time people cut him off. It made you sad to think he got shot down when talking about the things he loved.
“Are you sure I’m not talking too much?” Spencer asked for the millionth time.
You smiled. Your window was open, so your hair was blown back and your arm rested on the ledge. “I’m sure,” you promised. “Have you ever been to Vegas?”
“Vegas is where I grew up.”
“Wow, really?” you said in surprise. You’d never thought to ask. “You’ll have to show me around, then. I've never been.”
“You’ll fit in,” he assured. A brief silence washed over the car. “Did you grow up in Colorado?”
“Yeah, I did,” you nodded. “I grew up in Grand Junction, actually.”
“You never left?”
“Except for when I served,” you confirmed.
“How did that happen?” Spencer asked. “I mean, was joining the Army something you always wanted to do?”
You stiffened at the question. In an attempt to relax, you cleared your throat.
“I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer that.”
You smiled sadly. “No, it’s… it’s okay. I just… I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone why.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Spencer assured.
You considered for a moment. “I do,” you eventually said, tapping your thumb against the steering wheel. “I want to tell you.”
He didn’t say anything; he simply waited for you to start.
“Do you remember the bar?” you asked, mostly rhetorically. “How you sat next to me, asked me why I profiled Derek instead of you?”
“I remember.”
“Do you remember when I said I have trust issues because my father wronged me?” You asked, this time, quieter.
You saw him nod in your peripheral vision.
“That wasn’t exactly true,” you said. “I mean, it wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the full story. You see, my dad didn’t wrong me so much as he… died.”
“I’m sorry, Y/N.”
You shrugged, wishing it was enough to brush off the feeling. “I was 16. Losing him made me lose myself for awhile, you know? He was there one second, gone the next, and I had to live with it. All I wanted to do was get the hell out of Colorado, start fresh. The Army did that for me. Plus, I got to help people. It seemed like a win-win situation.”
“You made the best of a bad situation,” Spencer said. “You should be proud of yourself.”
“I did get to help people,” you thought vocally. “That part was nice. The PTSD… not as nice.”
Spencer laughed sadly. “It never is.”
You decided to leave it at that.
The wedding was the part of your vacation you least looked forward to. However, you had to admit: you and Spencer looked incredible. You wore a short navy dress, he rented a matching suit. You turned heads in the church, at the reception. You swore the bride gave you a dirty look at one point. You didn’t care. All you cared about was Spencer’s hand on your waist as the two of you danced.
“Why did it take you so long to call?” Spencer asked during a slow song. His lips were close to your ear. His breath against your skin made a pleasant chill go down your spine.
“Life got in the way,” you muttered. It was a poor excuse, but it was hard to put into words that you wanted to see him but thought you couldn’t. Or rather, that you shouldn’t.
“I missed you,” he admitted.
“Oh yeah?” you teased. “What did you miss?”
“Being around you,” Spencer said. He pulled away a bit so he could look you in the eye. “You’re the only person who’s never looked at me like I’m crazy. Don’t get me wrong, my friends are great, but… they don’t understand. You do.”
You set a hand on his cheek. He leaned into the touch.
“I wish you were closer,” he said softly.
“Me too,” you agreed. “But right here, right now, we’re together. Let’s make the most of that, hm?”
He kissed you in silent agreement.
You were pouring a second cup of hotel coffee when you felt Spencer’s arms wrap around your waist. You turned around in his grip, offering him a mug while you took a sip from the other.
“Thank you,” he said as he accepted the coffee. He kept one arm around you.
“What’s on the agenda today, Dr. Reid?” you asked curiously.
“It’s a surprise,” he said, pulling you closer.
“Another casino?” you asked. “I like watching you call people’s bluff. It’s kind of hot.”
He chuckled. “Not a casino. I’m taking you somewhere special. Well, it’s special to me, at least.”
“I’m excited,” you grinned, running a hand down his chest. “You know that means you’ll have to put a shirt on, right?”
“I will,” he assured, setting his mug on the table. “Eventually.”
He then took your mug and set it beside his. This confused you at first, but you quickly realized why: Spencer picked you up by the waist.
You set your hands on his shoulders, tilting your head back and letting out a laugh. “What are you doing?! Put me down!”
Spencer threw you on the bed and crawled on top of you. He kissed you feverishly.
“Still want me to put a shirt on?”
You traced his collarbone with your index finger, humming softly. “Maybe later.”
You let Spencer drive to wherever he was taking you, as the element of surprise seemed to be important. You stared out the window for most of the trip, enjoying the scenery that passed you by. Your hand was on Spencer’s thigh, and his hand was on top of yours. It was brief moments like those that you let yourself believe you and him were in a relationship.
Spencer eventually pulled into a parking lot. You let yourself look at the building he parked in front of. In a plain, black font, the sign above the doors read ‘Bennington Sanitarium’. You turned your attention to Spencer.
“Do you trust me?” He asked instead of explaining.
You turned your hand over and laced your fingers with his. “Of course.”
The two of you got visitor passes quickly; it mostly likely meant he visited often. You weren’t sure how to feel about that.
As the two of you were lead through to building, you held Spencer’s hand. When you were shown to an open room that resembled something of a lounge, you felt his grip falter. You took it as a queue to let go. You let your hand fall back to your side, suddenly feeling cold.
A woman with short, blonde hair in a long sweater stood up upon seeing Spencer. She was obviously older than both of you, but she carried her age with grace. She had wrinkles only a mother could get.
“Hi, mom,” Spencer greeted warmly.
The woman smiled and hugged him.
“Hello, Spencer,” she returned.
When she pulled away, she noticed you.
“Who’s this?” She asked.
“Her name’s Y/N. She’s my…”
“Friend,” you finished for him. You stuck your hand out with a smile.
Though hesitant, the woman shook your hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Y/N, this is Diana Reid. My mother.”
Diana looked to her son. “She’s pretty.”
“Mom!”
“What? It’s not like you didn’t notice,” she teased. She turned her attention to you. “Do you work with Spencer?”
“No,” you shook your head with a chuckle. “Well, not exactly. We met when he was working a case.”
“No conflict of interest…” Diana noted. Spencer gave her a look, but said nothing. “Do you play poker, Y/N?”
“Not as well as Spencer, but I try,” you replied.
You headed out of Vegas early the next day. You wanted to get a head start before the morning traffic, and besides, you knew it would be nice for Spencer if he got some real sleep before his flight. You didn’t want to think about the fact that your time with him was ending, though, so you pushed that thought to the back of your mind.
“Why did you take me meet your mother?” you asked softly. Spencer opted to take the first half the drive back home. You agreed, hoping the silence would clear your head.
“She’s my biggest secret,” Spencer said. “It took me years to tell anyone on the team she’s been in treatment since I was 18.”
“Why tell me?”
“You told me about your dad. I thought it was only fair you learn something ugly about me and my life.”
You reached a hand out, brushing back some of his hair. “Nothing about you is ugly.”
When your hand hovered over his cheek, Spencer turned his hand to kiss your palm. You smiled.
“Thank you for trusting me with your secret,” you told him.
He smiled. “Thank you for letting me.”
The radio played quietly in the backdrop. The songs changed, and you recognized the faint beginning. You turned up the dial and sang along.
“A year from now, we’ll all be gone, all our friends will move away,” You sang, mostly to yourself. “And they’re going to better places, but our friends will be gone away. Nothing is as it has been, and I miss your face like hell,” you sang a bit louder, mostly so Spencer could hear. “And I guess it’s just as well,” you reached a hand up, running your thumb along his jaw. “...But I miss your face like hell.”
The rest of the ride was like a dream come true. At the halfway mark, you pulled over, got some lunch, and switched places. Other than that, the two of you sang, talked, sang some more, and stole kisses when the other person wasn’t paying attention. Of course, you were driving, so the kisses were nothing more than a peck on the cheek. Still, you blushed and giggled every time his lips touched your skin.
Maybe this weekend was a pipe dream, a delusion you’d soon awake from or a phase you’d outgrow. You didn’t really care. For a brief moment in time, you were in love. That’s what you chose to care about. That what you made matter.
_____________________
That night, your head rested on Spencer’s chest. You listened to his heart, and it seemed like with every beat, he pulled you a little bit closer. You felt euphoric.
And yet, at the same time, you felt guilty.
“Spencer?” you asked quietly, like if you spoke to loudly, the moment would evaporate. “Can I tell you something?”
“Anything,” he promised. His hands ran up and down your back, as if to assure you.
“Hotchner came to see me the morning before your flight home,” you said. “He asked if I had any interest in becoming a profiler.”
Spencer shifted, sitting up against the bed frame. You sat up as well. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him.
“Y/N, that’s… incredible,” he said with a laugh of blissful disbelief.
Your head shot up. “Really?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Spencer asked. “You’d make an excellent profiler, and you’d be a welcome addition to the team. Plus, we could use someone with your sort of medical expertise.”
You smiled smally. “You think so?”
He took your hand, squeezing lightly. “There’s not a doubt in my mind.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything earlier,” you apologized. “I’ve spent these last few months thinking.”
“I understand; it’s a lot to think about.”
As always, Dr. Spencer Reid was completely and utterly right.
Saying goodbye at the airport turned out to be a lot harder than you thought.
You sat side by side for a long time, holding hands and listening to music. You shared one set of earbuds, and the two of you took turns choosing the music. Spencer once mentioned that he mostly listened to Classical music, but he seemed to be enjoying the songs you introduced him to. And, surprisingly, you enjoyed the ones he chose too. You used to think you didn’t like classical music.
At one point, during a song he picked out, Spencer began to tap his fingers against your knee. You were leaned against his body, one leg crossed over the other, so it was easy for him to rest his arm on your thigh and tap your knee. It took you a few seconds to realize he was ‘playing’ the song on your knee as he would play it on the piano.
Eventually, his flight was called, and the two of you had to part ways. You stood up, and tears began to well in your eyes. You cleared your throat, forcing a smile on your face.
“I had a good time this last week,” you told Spencer. “I had a really, really good time.”
He smiled. “I did too.”
You felt a tear make its way down your face. You wiped it away hastily. “I hate goodbyes.”
Spencer moved in, kissing your forehead and wrapping an arm around your waist. “Hello, Y/N.”
You chuckled, leaning into his touch. “Hello, Dr. Reid.”
_____________________
“What did you do with your time off?” your mother asked, pouring hot water into your mug. She insisted on making you tea instead of coffee — something about how you should cut back on caffeine.
“I went to Natalie’s wedding,” you answered, taking a careful sip.
She frowned. “The one in Vegas?”
You nodded.
“You hate going to weddings,” your mom said, taking a seat at the table across from you.
“I hate going to weddings alone,” you corrected.
You bobbed your tea bag up and down. You chose to look at the movement rather than the look you knew was on your mother’s face.
“Who did you go with?”
“Dr. Spencer Reid,” you replied. Even in your peripheral vision, you could see your mom’s jaw drop.
“‘Doctor’?” She asked. “How old is he?”
“My age,” you responded. “He’s not an MD: he has a few doctorates, is all.”
“A few? And he’s your age? Who is this man, Einstein?”
“He’s definitely a genius,” you assured with a laugh.
“How’d you meet him?”
“Oh, he works for the FBI,” you answered. You tried to sound as casual as you possibly could.
“How did you manage to meet an FBI agent?” She paused. “You met him because of those girls, didn’t you?”
You tried not to think about that too often; it made you feel dirty. What happened to those girls was horrible, and it didn’t feel fair that one of the best things in your life happened because of their suffering. In fact, the guilt that fact caused you was part of the reason why you didn’t tell Spencer about Hotch’s offer.
“I did,” you confirmed. “I like him, mom. I like him a lot.”
She smiled, setting a hand on your cheek. “I’m glad you do, hon.” she moved her hand away to take a sip from her own mug. “How often do you get to see Spencer?”
“Not often enough,” you said.
“Is all you wanted to talk about, Y/N?” She asked. “You sounded worried over the phone…”
You sighed. “I applied to the University of Virginia… and I got accepted. I can start in Spring.”
“That’s… amazing,” your mom praised. “Since when did you want to go back to school?”
“Since I realized the world is bigger than Colorado,” you replied. “Bigger than the Army, even.”
“What will you be going for?”
“Psychology for sure. At least a Masters, maybe a PhD if I’m feeling adventurous.”
“Will you be working while you take classes? They could use a Paramedic like you anywhere,” your mom said.
“Mom, I never said I was going,” you told her.
“Why wouldn’t you?! It’s an incredible opportunity,” she argued.
“I know. It’s just… not here. I wouldn’t be in Colorado anymore.”
“So? Like you said, the world is bigger than Colorado,” she said. The expression on her face changed. “Honey, don’t stay here for me. Seriously, don’t. I can’t live with that.”
“It wouldn’t be your choice,” you said. “Besides, it’s not just about you. It’s about me too, you know.”
“It’s about your father,” your mother disagreed softly. She took your hand. “If Virginia will make you happy, then go to Virginia. You’ll visit me, I’ll visit you… We’ll make it work. Promise me you won’t stay for me, for your dad, or for anyone else.”
“I left you once,” you said weakly, shame in your voice and heart. “Dad died, and 2 years later, I left. I can’t just leave you again, Mom.”
“You’re not leaving me,” she promised. “You’re living. That’s what your dad would want you to do.” She squeezed your hand. “It’s what I want you to do.”
After awhile, you nodded.
You always thought you were good at leaving. Maybe now, you’d be good at living. You couldn’t wait to start living, especially if it meant Spencer would be by your side.
_____________________
Part 3
#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfiction#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x you#spencer reid reader insert#criminal minds reader insert#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid/reader#stolen dance#part 2
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『 LANDON LIBOIRON ❙ GENDERQUEER 』 ⟿ looks like ETHAN DIGBY is here for THEIR SECOND year as a VISUAL ART GRAD student. HE is 27 years old & known to be DEDICATED, HONEST, STUBBORN & PESSIMISTIC. They’re living in NOLAND, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ drew. twenty-two. est. he/him. ethan’s pinterest
trivia:
he really likes white cholate & hot chocolate, often eating handfuls of white chocolate baking discs regardless of the time of day.
visual art major --- tends to stray towards sculptures and installation pieces, though he does have a love for bob ross style landscape pieces. draws a lot of inspiration from older art, and many of his pieces are designed to look worn-out and as though they are missing pieces.
perpetually exhausted --- for all his love of schedules, he has never managed to consistently get enough sleep and though he loves tea, that never seems to have enough of an impact to truly wake him up ---- a.k.a he is a yawn prone little fuck
doesn’t quite believe the local legends, though he doesn’t dismiss them outright either. the statue by wishing tree has, however, made it into several of his works ---- statues seem to have her facial features without him ever meaning to and he will swear to anyone that asks that in sophomore year of his bachelor’s degree he woke up one morning to her face staring at him from amongst the trees on a painting he had been working on. he will hesitantly add that it’s possible that he had just been thinking of her while half asleep, though ethan doesn’t really believe that
currently working as a TA for some of the freshman art classes, as well as overseeing the use of the different art studios from time to time.
doesn’t believe in labels --- and that’s corny as hell, but he just wants to be able to be whoever he is in the moment and has had some harsher reactions when he uses umbrella terms, so he just refuses to label himself. relationship-wise it’s a whole different issue, he floats from one major relationship to another and often times will cycle back to one that’s already gone sour.
has recently started going to a therapist to talk about some of the issues he has processing emotions and his fear of change ---- it’s been helping but he’s still very much on the verge of flight mode and will run away from situations that demand any real sort of emotional input from him on occasion.
personality:
he is cynical, despite a desire to believe the best in people and the world - he has seen too much of the darker side of the world to ever truly believe it ---- this is reflected not only in his interactions with people ( he is open about expressing doubt and disbelief, he won’t believe a word you say, and he overanalyzes promises / invitations / declarations of love ) but also in his art and aesthetic which veers towards the dark and damned, a lot of his work is themed around broken things
stubborn as a mule ---- once he gets an idea in his mind, it can be hard to change his mind with logical arguments though an emotional appeal will have a better chance ---- he’s very set in his ways and struggles with questioning why things are the way they are, insisting that somethings should just be. loathes change and isn’t afraid to express this dislike --- tends to eat the same foods, wear the same clothes, go to the same places ---- despite a childhood dislike of routine, he finds it comforting nowadays, it feels safe.
loyal as all hell, you can hurt him a million times and he will still struggle to walk away and a genuine apology will win him back in an instant. he struggles to cut ties, even with those that he knows aren’t the best for him and has only successfully done so when it is possible for him to do so in a swift and permanent way. in most cases, he will eventually find his way back to those that he knows.
friendly but not overly so --- he has no issue approaching people if he needs something, but he’s not generally one to approach you just to “chat” b/c he’s not big on small talk in general and honestly? he’d never say it but if he doesn’t know you, he doesn’t really give a damn how your day went or how you feel about the weather or current events. if he drinks, he becomes a little more sociable in that matter, but that often drifts into “ethan is going to info-dump about whatever has his interest in the moment and the only way to stop him is to like physically place something in / on his mouth” territory which is a whole different level of awkward.
backstory:
growing up in a household where routine took priority, ethan spent a long time feel stifled by his parent’s demands that everything turned out perfectly ---- the neverending need to do things at just the right time, in just the right way. it was like fitting into a sweater that was just a tad too small, wrong in a way that is hard to explain
it’s in high school that he meets a true kindred spirit in the form of his art teacher ---- he helps ethan to realize his need for freedom and self-expression, and embraces his abilities in a way that he had always been afraid to. it’s a change that his parents are disapproving of, trying to reroute their son’s future to one of the paths that they would have approved of. but for once, he allows himself to rebel.
and after graduation, he leaves. running to new york, where he throws himself into the art scene head first without any real plans. for two years, he works multiple jobs as he cycles through sketchy roommates in his shitty apartment and equally shitty life partners, trying to discover things about himself that he hadn’t known before.
he’s still figuring some of that out, unsure of how to label his gender or his sexuality --- wishing more than anything that he could just be, a desire that he has long held onto since childhood that’s coming back to haunt them at last.
that’s not the only thing that’s caught up with them as of late, the digby’s finally managing to track him down in new york and showing up at his apartment two years after he initially ran off. they came with open minds and a burning desire to see their son do something other than work minimum wage jobs and live in run-down apartments. they were quiet and subdued in a way that they never had been.
it took six months for them to convince him to enroll in college, and he eventually chose to attend radcliffe with an undeclared major. it was far enough from his hometown that his parents couldn’t reasonably drive up too often, but close enough that he could go home if he had wanted. a three-hour drive in the best traffic.
the distance proved to be the right amount --- though his parents certainly seemed to pop up over the first three months with containers of food and worries that their child would have run off, they eventually learned to trust him. and slowly, the wounds healed ---- ethan wouldn’t say that they’re close but they’ve learned to respect each other’s boundaries.
and he’s never seen them more proud than at graduation, except maybe when he told them that he was going to apply to grad school. it wasn’t the path that they had planned for ethan, but they had learned to be enthusiastic about his success, about his dreams and about his art.
doing his master’s degree - it’s been weird. being here is weird for him in general, he still misses new york even though it was a whole different kind of existence ---- he misses the stability of going to work everyday and being completely independent. here, he has to rely on his professors and classmates, he has people that expect him to check in with them and there’s more socialization --- mostly because he’s been trying to do better with that.
connections:
good / bad influence: okay so traditionally, i think these would be separate connections but i think in this case, it’s more convoluted than that. for all of ethan running away from the environment his parents made, he’s very much stuck to those rules and expectations --- i would love for someone to start to break him out of that --- encourage him to party and drink and live life, and it doesn’t all have to be bad, it can be good too. you know, them bringing him to parties and him learning actually valuable lessons from it --- idk open to talking about their potential influence on each other, i think it could be fun
frenemies ( onesided or not ): i think a lot of ethan’s trust issues are a projection mechanism because he knows that in some ways that he can’t be trusted --- so i wld love for someone who they act like best friends when they’re together and then ethan just ... talks smack about them and doesn’t keep their secrets ( and maybe they do the same?? )
exes ( of all types / genders / whatever ): this one, my dear ethan, has gotten around a bit --- maybe they hooked up and now it’s awkward ---- maybe they dated for a while and keep circling back to each other despite knowing that they’re bad for each other ( a la unmiss you by clara mae ) ---- maybe they dated for a while and now they never talk so when they do see each other it’s just ... awkward as hell ---- open to literally anything with this one guys
art buddies: just two pals, palling around --- only prerequisite is that your character has some sort of interest in an art ( writing, theatre, music, film, etc etc ) --- and hey maybe they don’t get along but they put up a united front against the STEM majors who mock their choices in major?
other: open to discussing dormates, coworkers, current love interests and literally anything else that you can think of --- does your character need someone over 21 to buy them alcohol? call ethan. for real tho, hit me up and let’s come up with some stuff!
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The Red In My Eyes
So I finally started the thing I’d been wanting to do for a while. Hopefully this helps my writing bug I’ve been dealing with.
Also check it out >Here on AO3<
Chapter 1: The Fox & The Ladybug
Ladybugs were a symbol of luck. They represented the embodiment of prosperity and good fortune.
Foxes were a sign of stealth and cleverness. It is quite tricky to fool a fox because of their intelligence and determination.
This all should have been obvious to Marinette. These were facts of life. But that didn’t change the fact that Alya was standing in Marinette’s living room, pointing a finger at her and declaring loudly.
“You’re Ladybug!?”
Marinette sucked in a breath at the accusation. She had to keep her cool, dissuade Alya like she had done in the past. With a shake of her head, she tried to relax and start to figure out how to convince her friend that it was not possible for her to be Paris’ sweet heart.
“Alya, we’ve been over this. You know I’m no-” Marinette cut herself off as Alya flicked on a light which revealed Mari's living room walls covered like a homicide precinct. Various photos, newspaper clippings, printouts of texts messages. She even had red string connecting things together.
She brought a hand to her brow in frustration. This charade was getting old. It had been six years, and Alya’s accusations were becoming more frequent. She had too much information at her disposal from running the Ladyblog and all of it was pretty damning evidence.
A timeline matching all of Marinette’s disappearances an excuses to the same times as Akuma attacks, evidence pointing to Ladybug previously being a Dupont student and in Miss Bustier’s class which helped narrow down the list of suspects by a mile, and pointing out that Marinette would be the only person who would know Nino and her well enough to give them a Miraculous personally.
Alya even made a gif of Marinette with and without a Ladybug mask and ribbons photoshopped on her face and the likeness was uncanny to the point that Marinette was shocked no one had discovered her sooner.
Marinette let out a deep sigh, knowing that there was no point in hiding it anymore. She had felt bad for keeping Alya in the dark for so long, especially since she ran the top blog dedicated to knowing everything about Ladybug. A soft, assuring pat from Tikki within her coat pocket helped ease her nerves as she tried to compose herself, a Ladybug-like smirk crossing her face.
“Guess that’s why you're the master of illusions eh Rena?”
The room was silent for a beat before Alya let out a scream and threw herself at her friend. Marinette erupted into a fit of laughs at her reaction and she felt an immense weight removed with the confession.
“Holycrapholycrapholycrap. I can’t believe it’s you.” Alya then took the chance to slug her in the arm. “That’s for not telling me sooner.” Marinette rubbed her arm, feigning being hurt before giving her a small shove back. She looked over and Tikki has flown out to join Trixx on the coffee table, the two of them quite excited to be reunited.
After a few moments, the two composed themselves the best they could as Alya started her line of questioning. The fact that Alya had her own Miraculous and Kwami meant that Marinette thankfully didn’t have to try and explain all the technical details of her powers and lore that surrounded the superheroes, but that meant that the questions were much more personal.
A few hours went by and the two ended up curled up on the sofa, matching wine glasses sitting precariously on the coffee table as Alya did a deep dive into Marinette’s superheroine life. It honestly felt so good for her to finally get this secret identity thing off her shoulders and just feel a bit more normal for the first time in years.
“Oooh girl imagine what Adrien would say if he knew you were Ladybug.” Her cheeks burned at the suggestion. It was obvious that Adrien had a not too subtle crush on Ladybug that the crew endlessly teased him about. Even when being Ladybug, she could see how Adrien’s demeanor would differ to the point that his anxiousness and stuttering rivaled that of when Marinette would try to talk to him back in their school days.
“I have enough boy problems with Chat Noir on the Ladybug side of things and Adrien on my side.” Between Adrien fawning over Ladybug and Chat’s sporadic drop in visits to Marinette, which the number of late night talks had increased over the years, made keeping her identity a secret that much more difficult for her to manage. Alya nodded in agreement before tilting her head for another question.
“Wait. Does Chat not know your identity?” She seemed genuinely perplexed at the thought of them not knowing each other. Marinette ran a hand through her hair as she looked back sheepishly. Alya’s eyes went wide. “Wait are you serious?? I’m the first to learn that Marinette Dupain-Cheng is fucking Ladybug!?”
“We haven’t shared our identities to keep each other safe!” Marinette shielded herself as Alya whacked her with a pillow.
“You two are partners . You know Nino & I’s identities and Nino and I know each other's. Are you saying that the only person in the dark about everyone’s identities is Chat?” She thumped her friend again with the pillow. “Tell me how that makes ANY sense.”
“It was my idea to not share our identities.” She grabbed her own pillow and threw it at Alya. “And I had to pick the new Miraculous holders. Once we let you keep them for good, there was no need for him to know because he wouldn’t need to seek you out.” It was a weak argument, she knew it. But if Chat had been privy to Carapace and Rena’s identities, she knew that he would want to know hers even more.
“Girl it’s been 6 years! Have you never once been curious who is hiding under the mask? Who you have been trusting all this time?” Marinette clutched the pillow in her arms tight to her chest and partially buried her face in it before mumbling out a response. She could always reason with herself or Tikki as to why she was avoiding that conversation, but sitting here in front of Alya she knew she couldn’t lie her way out of it.
“What if he doesn’t like who is under the mask.” Her voice was weak as she spoke but her sentiment was still there. She wasn’t going to lie and say that she hadn’t become quite fond of the alley cat over the last few years. Especially when she interacted with him as herself and without the superhero persona as a barrier. A hand slipped on her shoulder and she looked up at Alya, keeping her face half buried in the pillow.
“If he can’t like both sides of you, then fuck him.” She paused for amount before rolling her eyes. “I mean, don’t fuck him, unless you want cause like that cat suit shows off a lot like oh man.” She fanned herself for affect before getting serious once again. “But if he is going to be that shallow and can’t see you for your entire self, then you don’t need him and he doesn’t deserve you.”
“Are you afraid of not liking who’s hiding under his mask?” She added softly after a few moments of silence between them.
“No. . .” Marinette exhaled slowly, leaning over and taking a small sip from her glass. “Well, maybe. What if it’s someone I know?” If she was being honest, she thought it might be much easier warming up to the idea of an identity reveal if her and Chat’s civilian identity didn’t really interact. What if her civilian form didn’t like his right now? Or he didn’t like her?
“Well he seems to already like civilian you if he comes and visits as often as you say.” The brunette popped a chip into her mouth before continuing. “Have you ever tried to figure out who it could be?” She shrugged in return, absentmindedly poking the pillow still in her lap.
“Sorta? But it’s not my place to find out his identity before he tells me. Which he would tell me in a heartbeat, even without me exposing mine. But that’s not really fair either.”
“If I told him, I think I’d want to be in civilian form and do it during one of his visits.” She mused quietly. “Because if he isn't happy with who is under the mask, then I don’t have to learn his identity if I don’t want to.”
“That seems fair. It gives you the chance to control the situation if you need to.” Alya polished off her wine before returning the glass to its previous spot and gesturing to her mess on the wall. “So we should probably take this down then before he comes over hm? Didn’t you say he comes on Wednesdays?” Marinette bolted upright and looked over at the digital clock on the stove that said 9:24.
“Shit he’s gonna be here soon. I definitely don’t want my identity revealed like this.” She began unpinning all of Alya’s evidence off the wall as the other began to put away her laptop and pack up her bag. “Should we just burn all of this? We kinda don’t want anyone finding this in my trash.”
“Do we have time to use the grill on your balcony?” Marinette pulled down the last photocopy off the wall and added it to the rather large stack before considering the suggestion.
“Ehhhhh that might be too obvious right now in case he shows up while we are burning things.” She threw open one of the drawers on her coffee table that was never used and started throwing the documents in there. “This should be fine until I can get rid of everything this weekend.”
The soft thump of footsteps on her roof interrupted their thoughts and the two immediately shoved the rest of the evidence away.
“Gogogogo he’s here get out!” Marinette began shoving her friend towards the door, barely giving her time to grab her belongings and for Trixx to slip into her hair.
“Someone’s excited to see her kitty~” Alya teased before slipping out through the front door, a hairbrush smacked against the closed wood as a final protest.
#marinette#marinette dupain cheng#alya#alya cesaire#trixx#tikki#chat noir#cat noir#adrien#adrien agreste#The Red In My Eyes#TRIME#dream story idea#identity reveal#im excited to work on this#miraculous ladybug#ml#ao3#archive of our own#i write#ml fics
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Monthly Media Roundup (April 2019)
April was a bit of a disaster month for me, and as such I didn’t get much of anything finished. Old wounds got reopened, I was sick all month, I had an unavoidably bad birthday, and a lifelong pet died. I didn’t engage with a lot of things, and mostly slept. I did play a lot of Breath of the Wild, but seeing as I didn’t finish that, I’m not including it yet. Here’s the things I did finish:
Games:
Blaster Master Zero (Switch): I actually first bought and finished this two years ago, and since the sequel has come out I decided to replay it with the Shovel Knight DLC character. While I genuinely like this game (I 100%’d it both times), I was not really in a good spot to enjoy this playthrough, and just kinda mindlessly pushed through it for nine consecutive hours, beating it in that single sitting. Playing as a DLC character removes the story, which is fine since they’re intended for replays, though I wonder if it added to my emotional disconnect. SK doesn’t receive fall damage, and so the precariousness of navigating the world outside of the highly-mobile tank doesn’t exist nearly as much, though the trade-off is that SK’s combat abilities in dungeons are hindered by an overall lack of range. The game is still rather easy, though, so I can’t say any particular level cadences or combat scenarios carved their way into my memory.
To the game’s credit, though, the things that are good about it are still good. If you have an attachment to the original NES game, or an interest in retro properties, or just want a nice, breezy platformer, it’s very good. It’s interesting in how it repurposes the altered plot of the US version of the original game (where it was its most popular), including even the plot of the little novelization that came out because Gotta Get Those Video Game Kids to Read Something. It has a fake out ending, and if you 100% the maps it unlocks a final map that is genuinely surreal enough to be the highlight of the game. Despite my sighing, it is a genuinely good time, and I’m very curious to play the new game, somewhat hilariously titled Blaster Master Zero 2.
Anime:
That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime: I chewed through the last four episodes of this so that I could say I finally finished the season. I didn’t watch the post-season recap episode. TenSura (the abbreviation of the Japanese title, which I will use to refer to it because satisfyingly abbreviating the english title is impossible) is not a very good show, but for about half the length of the 24-episode first season, it fascinates due to how it functions at all. TenSura is an isekai show, much like the other isekai shows, where a person dissatisfied with their life is brutally murdered (usually by a truck. USUALLY by a truck) and is reborn in a fantasy world that coincidentally gives them an absurd advantage over other people, allowing them to live out all the decadence they felt they deserved in the real world. If this sounds like the most boring kind of wish fulfillment possible to you, that’s because it is. It’s also extremely popular with consumers. Which is interesting! I think the isekai boom is indicative of how late-stage capitalism everyday people the world over, that we envision or escape to worlds where your efforts actually return appropriate reward. A bonkers concept, to be sure.
In TenSura, the formula doesn’t stray much. The main character is a man in his 30s (?) who has never fucked and gets knifed to death while HEROICALLY saving a coworker from a plot-irrelevant stabber dude who was running down the sidewalk with his knife out for no reason besides Main Character Needs an Inciting Incident Now. It’s actually pretty weirdly violent for the start to a show that is almost entirely light-hearted. Dude dies, his coworker dumps his hard drive in the bath out of respect (lol), and he wakes up in a fantasy world that works on videogame logic, including loot, skill trees, and class upgrades. He is reborn as an adorable slime a la Dragon Quest, but the personality traits he had in his previous life (and I guess his choice of dying words) scan to obscenely convenient passive abilities that ensure he’s not only invincible, but will never stop experiencing exponential power growth. Also he immediately makes friends with a final boss-level dragon and then eats him. That’s how he makes friends in this sometimes.
I’m being very cynical here, but the core narrative loop (and it IS a loop) of the series kept my interest for longer than I expected. Rimuru (the name of the reborn protagonist) goes somewhere he hasn’t been, astonishes the nearby (sometimes violent) inhabitants with his overpowered abilities, makes friends with them, and then improves their lives with community. Goblins, direwolves, orcs, demon lords. It stacks and builds upon itself to absurd degrees but it’s interesting that in a genre loaded with very problematic stories of disenchanted dudes finally getting the underage harem they’ve always wanted (aaaaAAAAAAAAA) that the main concept of this series is improving the lives of others and giving them closure for the ways life has hurt them. Even if. Sometimes that hurt was the main character’s doing? Like Rimuru absolutely decapitates a direwolf leader and then adopts the pack who from then on absolutely LOVE the dude. Also one of Rimuru’s abilities is that if he gives a monster a name, it class upgrades, which is generally and reasonably seen as a life improvement. Though, these class upgrades are almost always decidedly “less-tribal” or outright human, which smacks of some imperialist thinking. It’s also something I’m sure I never questioned in old videogames growing up. Meanwhile, there’s also a bit with a woman who came from Japan during that one really bad war, you know the one, and the closure she’s given as she’s dying is handled with actual delicacy. It’s a weird series! It’s only a shame to me that after most of the first season, there was less to talk about. Sometime after the halfway mark, you realize the show is never going to maintain tension for more than half an episode, that all problems are solvable (yes, even terminally ill children), and that the show isn’t going anywhere you can’t predict. It’s a checklist show, and the plot points are a list of achievements being checked off one episode at a time.
I don’t think I would actually recommend the show to most people, despite how popular it is. It’s not a great show, but it does weird enough things for a while that it generates conversations. Which is honestly pretty okay. It’s a pretty okay show. Also, Rimuru is effectively nonbinary (with he pronouns), and that’s… somethin’! (24 episodes, finished 4/17/19, Crunchyroll (Funimation also now has the dub I think? Clips I saw were pretty weird, Rimuru seemed to be characterized differently.))
Manga:
Nejimaki Kagyu Vol 1: You would think a manga that immediately starts with a reference to Phantom Blood would be, well, at least interesting.
Okay maybe invoking a beloved work doesn’t actually mean anything. I just wanted to share this blatant callback. Nejimaki Kagyu is a seinen manga about a highschool teacher whose tragically cursed to, uh, have all teenage girls fall in love with him. And the highschool-age childhood friend of his who has spent her whole life obsessed with him and learning super martial arts to defend his chastity. Her supers make her clothes explode.
…
I take no joy in this travesty.
Anyway, uh. The biggest tragedy here is that the art is actually really good, though the paneling is regularly squished around to hilarious degree. Let’s look at some pages and then forget this manga exists forever.
That horror face is how I feel the entire series should be portraying itself. The manga has a distinct lack of self-awareness.
The fan translation for this series appears to have dropped off halfway through and hasn’t been picked up for years, and based on reviews I saw on MAL talking about the directionlessness of the later volumes, I wonder if the translator got fed up with the series. Oh well!
Kyou no Asuka Show Vol 1: Oh god damn it I just got done with talking about a series about ogling the youth.
BLEASE STOP
Okay so. Kyou no Asuka Show, or “Today’s Asuka Show” is an older slice of life manga by the same author I mentioned previously who is doing an edutainment series about people working in a condom factory. Innocently-minded women in comedically lewdish situations appears to be his whole bag. I think Asuka is pretty charming, but I also know she’s designed to appeal to my monkey male gaze. Obliviously sexy is very much a mood, and in a more adult context I would be all for it. There have been a few chapters where I find myself at odds with the wisdom the author is attempting to impart, sometimes through Asuka’s father, who works as an adult photographer, and doesn’t want his daughter involved in anything that could cause her to be ogled. Like, that’s already something that requires a lot of unpacking in the modern day. Aforementioned wisdom sometimes takes the form of Asuka doing something stupid and innocent and ripe for objectifying, like wearing a school swimsuit in a rainstorm. Or she’ll work a job as a cute girl courier and inadvertently turn a shut-ins life around. Situations where, if it were in real life, I’d think “wow that’s weird and charming,” but by being a work of intentional authorship, it inherently loses some of that innocence, and becomes something well-meaning but problematic. Is that the second time I’ve used the word “problematic” in this post? Is this 2014?
I may continue reading this, but I really can’t recommend it to most people I know in 2019 without several disclaimers and also without probably getting some side eye. I think it’s worth a couple chapters to feel out what its doing before you decide whether you can siphon the charm from it, or would rather move on to something else.
Me enjoying myself when this manga tries to suddenly get up to some shit.
Blue Period Vol 1: This is the last thing on my list, because I don’t want to expand this list beyond the three mediums I’ve already assigned to it. Also, I actually finished this May 1st, but I wanted to talk about it now.
If I had the power to actually get people to engage with a specific work once per month, Blue Period would easily be the one I pick. That doesn’t mean as much when all the other things I finished this month were conflicted experiences, but I really think everyone would benefit from this series. Or at least anyone with even a passing interest in visual arts.
Blue Period (named for Picasso’s Blue Period) is about a highschool delinquent who has a knack for studying, a safe social life, and no interests in pretty much anything. He’s on the road to do fine in his life, and he doesn’t question it much, but that’s it, until he discovers art and realizes it’s the only way he’s ever been able to truly communicate his feelings. It changes everything about him, for more emotionally satisfying reasons, but also riskier ones. He only has one year of highschool to go to decide what he’s doing with his life, and Japan has a very strict education system. You’re not really allowed to just “get around” to things.
Apologies in advance if you’re tired of me spamming full pages but I really do wanna show this off. This is another series with an educational angle to it, though the emphasis is definitely more rooted in a personal narrative of growth. The explanations of art practice and the functionality of exercises and tools are both very informative and relevant to the characters, never feeling like the story is taking a backseat to explain. The characters are, hilariously, everyone I’ve ever met in an art class. There’s the kid who would rather exclusively draw the things they like, there’s the kid who likes art as a hobby but haaaates being given a project, etc etc. There are students who have an innate grasp on how to draw but haven’t internalized the Why of the exercises, and students who are receptive to the lessons but don’t have the ability to match. The narrative is extremely even-handed towards all of these different levels of skills, and places a lot more importance on why, emotionally, you should totally care about drawing apples and water pitchers for five hours at a time. It’s GREAT and I want to force it on every creative I’ve ever known.
Another thing I appreciate about this series so far is that while there has been something resembling sexual/romantic tension, it’s kind of not like that at all? In the first volume I haven’t been able to pinpoint where a potential relationship subplot would go, if at all. Two possibilities are this girl:
...who is a very likable character but surprisingly doesn’t fit into that box of “standard love interest”. The protag’s interactions with her have been exclusively respectful and admiring, which doesn’t even necessarily imply a romantic subplot, but would be pretty cool if it did? And the other girl:
...who is featured in decidedly more sexual tension-y contexts, is actually TRANS. The manga actually portrays them so uncompromisingly feminine that I didn’t realize they were crossdressing (the term used in the text) until the author’s notes at the end of the volume. I will partially blame this on me being out of it this month, since I just went back to their introduction and yep, they got misgendered and contested it. Given how the character is regularly framed (confident, attractive, skilled, nonstereotypical), I’m… pretty okay with this! If a romance blooms between a delinquent boy and a trans girl, that’s amazing.
I hope y’all understand where I’m coming from in expecting a shoehorned romantic subplot. I’m not hoping for one, I just know the product by now. And if it happens, the options are considerably more interesting than usual.
These are pretty good kids.
Manga licensing is a lot better nowadays than it ever was before, with lots of obscure series being picked up, old series getting re-localized, and translations being better than ever. I really really want this series to get licensed so someone can be compensated for it, and so more people might read it. Until then, I think you should look up the fan work.
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So that’s all for April. If these posts included live-action movies, I’d have talked about Endgame, but I also don’t want to go spoiling anything for someone who still wants to go see that (it’s probably one of my favorite MCU movies, though). I read most of 1970-71 in Marvel comics, or at least most of the issues on my reading list, but I semi-liveblog about those, so you can just search my “curry reads comics” tag for that. Here’s hoping I have more interesting, more positive things to say about May in a month. I expect to finish Breath of the Wild by then, so I’ll finally talk about that. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far! Go check out Blue Period.
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Going to the doctor tomorrow. Just gonna show up and hope that 1) I still have insurance and 2) that my PCP hasn’t changed and 3) they can take a walk-in.
How fucked is it that my phone anxiety is so goddamn bad that I’m more okay with doing an unannounced walk-in and probably having to wait for hours, than just use the fucking phone? Ha ha ha...
I honestly just need the damn infection treatment meds. I hope I’m going early enough that I’ve spared myself the immense pain I went through last time. Time will tell. It doesn’t seem much bigger or smaller today - just more tender because I’ve fucked with it so much and tried to squeeze the infection out before it could really do its whole infection thing. I’ve swabbed it with rubbing alcohol several times and slapped a bandaid on it to keep myself from picking at it more and risking making it worse.
Also, I’ve been sitting on a correspondence from my insurance for over a month because I had to “make an appointment” to CALL them to confirm my re-enrollment or whatever. Literally you had to call. There was no online way to do it, there was no office listed to go to (at least none that I could find within 50 miles of here) - it has to be done by the phone. Twice, technically, because first you have to call to schedule the fucking “appointment” and then you have to hope they keep the damn appointment and take it during the appointed time - or, y’know, whenever they decide to call, appointment time be damned.
Suffice to say, I never fucking called.
BUT I did get confirmation that I was automatically re-enrolled?
But the thing is I’m enrolled through the ACA Medicaid expansion thing. So the state-level government part sent me that confirmation. Meanwhile the actual insurance company I was “sorted into” (for lack of a better phrase) is the one who wanted me to call.
So. IDK. I assume the information trickled down from the fed/state level. But what do I know.
Today... today feels like it just blinked out of existence tbh. I lost most of it this morning as a result of not being able to sleep. I finally got to sleep around 8 AM I think. Then I was in bed the whole day. Literally the whole fucking day. I tried to set alarms. It accomplished nothing for me. I woke up exactly enough to disable the alarms. I managed to get up, finally, around 6 PM.
What finally got me up? An overwhelming sense of panic that I was too late on work stuff. Which was partially based in reality I guess.
Problem is my brain just... isn’t online today.
Work wasn’t even that bad. Probably like... 10 quantifiable tasks came in? More sales than tests.
Sales headache: there’s some new insurance thing going on where Title insurers need to get in on the continuing education requirements. I’m not sure if Title insurers are new as a whole, or if the CE req is new, or what. The headache comes in here: They want/need their company on the final documents, not necessarily the individual’s name. But 1) despite my boss setting up some different sales items the descriptions don’t clarify which items are for which target groups; and 2) unless I manually check each and every license number we get in, I have no way of knowing which ones are for title companies vs individuals - because all the orders come in with individual info, not company info. At some point I’ll learn which sales IDs refer to individuals vs title companies. Then I’ll have to stress about retroactively updating my files to reflect that difference.
Sales headache, continued: I have to make sure all the right materials get to the right people, I have to track them all in the master registration, AND I have to set up each individual sale in the testing platform. With 5 different courses being sold, and multiple “versions” of each (boss has some special ones set up for particular company groups, plus the new Title shit) it’s almost overwhelming keeping it all straight.
Test headache: there were only 3 complete tests that came in today. There was a fourth, but it was a repeat. Which is super fucking annoying because this dude had me MAKE a copy of our files FOR HIM (because he wasn’t keeping his own records) so he could check it to avoid this - and he’s not even using it! Because this duplicate test was IN that file. But he went ahead and set this person up with the exact same fucking course and test again. And some fault falls on that person - they should be keeping track of which course(s) they’ve taken before, too, to avoid wasting time and money on repeat classes. THEN, those 3 that were full files? Only 1 was done properly (online) - the other 2 were on paper (fuuuuccckkkk) and 1 of them was from that dude who doesn’t even score the shit (FFUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK). The 3 tests were for 2 different courses, so reporting was split, I could only bath 2 of the 3, and even that didn’t work and I ended up having to do most things manually anyway.
I’m not looking forward to tallying my hours this month. I’ve been really out of it and not keeping track well, but it’s also been fairly busy and so the tallying process is going to take a while.
I finished things around 9:30 PM. I still feel like I fucked absolutely everything up. But we’ll see. I probably didn’t. Just feels like I did.
Mom made a nice baked ziti for dinner. I ate soup as dinner-part-two in the wee hours of the morning, but obviously I didn’t eat anything since that, having been in bed the whole fucking day.
I made myself some coffee (pumpkin - I have pumpkin coffee for practically the rest of eternity at this point) which may or may not reveal itself to be a mistake. I want lattes still. But that whole Dark Mark barista situation unsettled me way more than I thought it did. And I find myself not wanting to go there at all now. idk, since I’d swapped to living off canned food (instead of fast food) I guess I’d shifted my “treat yourself” shopping/food therapy to warm coffee goods, and the whole star program made it worth it to me. Gave me the illusion of being moderately successful and independent and not a wretched basement troll. I think I liked that even more than the treats themselves, honestly.
My brain’s flopping around like a fish dropped on a boat deck. I don’t know. I’m feeling lots of ways but mostly just trying to survive.
I need to tap out on the political front for a while. I’m genuinely overwhelmed right now. Feeling more than a little hopeless. Etc.
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