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#learning to survive and to harm and to cause the most pain and to revel in it and to be cruel because that's how you survive

santilozart · 7 days

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Ꝏ ꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ Ꝏ : Daniela Andrade... my first love... killed by the blacklight fanaticism back on the days of my first awakening. since then,.... later on ... I´ve learned to live like a living death corpus... autistic... surviving, each time the black light realized I get ignited inside, with the love feeling... she just makes the feminazis girls of the church to destroy me and invalidate my Fellings, making me all that creepy girls feel like the devil... and here I´m,,, heavily damaged, autistic... with not having kissed a girl ever at my 33.... due the mental trauma they and theirs unsensible doctrine, make to harm me .... .. bitch dark abyss order... at least I know for the next life I get back, I will be able to love, for real, physically... cause the mess of person they turn me nowadays... and in the meanwhile she is death, at least due lateral causes... : I´ll just set the path clear for next generations, to cleans the ashes she left on love and sensibility on this planet : for the time I get back here... at least I manage to be normal and human.. with no war needed... Seven times, she teaching noviazgos are forbidden in the church, amongst the sons and daughters of God... leaving all to the predestination miraculous revelation seven times, me as an idiot, awaken the biggest love, time after time, and... with no experience on how to handle a relationship with a women, cause, always being a nerd and weirdo since teen, was conditionate by her ultra perfectionism, to believe that not obeying her teaching in this, would be like not obeying God... so as an idiot... seven times I went to the so called feminizes ultra perfectionist daughters of god I fell in love with... to tell my Fellings... and receive the most horrible painful rejection felling in the universe cause never was able to learn, by experiences in relationships, as normal people, that you need to conquer the girl before telling your feelings for them : all the teaching she gave back then was : Ask signs to heaven´s to see if the person has the feelings for you, if God placed the feelings in both... teached the fanatic mlpira q v bitch and ask the person, so if these are mutual feelings then it is placed by God... if not, then it is your flesh... and it is the devil.. was all the lights she shared about the noviazgos topics... how da fuck is not gonna leave trauma on the whole teen and young adult guy like me back then and population... of introvert people... who didn´t have the criteria or assertively to don´t buy such a bull´s crap as a God command in regards relationship, so you don´t get into hell... seven times, after each rejection, with no more cards on my pool, moved by the pain of rejection, I went as dumb, after the girls, asking them to marry me... to then be... horrendously rejected, and tread like the worst devil on this planet... those unsensible bithcs so long story short: lack of oxytocin, virginity = painful existence = ezquizofrenia, depression and suicidal toughs....not that fucking thing teaches as being due spirits causing that.... rather than the demons cause by her, due lack of knowledge and unsensible spiritual Nazism, used to kill everyone who opposed to her criteria, as her tong, according to the her.. is the world of God, so no want Conter said anything to her, due fear. of receiving the divine punishment of the wrath of God, sent against the people opposing to her.... as the omnipotent leader... on a crystal Marfil tower... selfinmaculated..

Ꝏ ꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ Ꝏ

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choicesarehard · 3 years

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I keep my streams about Wolf Bride light-hearted. It’s been a hell of a year, and I think we all need a space where we can laugh together. But part of responsibly consuming problematic media is being aware of where it fails. And that’s why I think it’s important to talk about Morgan, and Wolf Bride’s troubling depiction of blindness.

Morgan is one of the first Love Interests in Choices to have a canon disability. She is representation many players with disabilities, like myself, are eager for. But like any form of representation, writing a blind character requires research. A quick google search will lead you to numerous visually impaired voices who outline the tropes and stereotypes that harm their community. Wolf Bride has included nearly all of them.

signal boosts are appreciated

Not All Blind People Wear Sunglasses

Morgan is shown wearing dark sunglasses from the moment she appears on screen. And there are certainly blind people who wear sunglasses — particularly those who (unlike Morgan) can still perceive some degree of light and dark, and experience painful light sensitivity. But no context is ever giving for Morgan’s use of sunglasses. In fact, they aren’t even addressed for four chapters.

[ID: Two screenshots from Chapter Four of Wolf Bride. The first features a text box over a forest background, and reads “You glance at Morgan, and are surprised to see the dark glasses still covering her eyes.” The second features a labeled image of her sunglasses, placed over a black background, with a selectable button that reads “What does Morgan look like without these?”] What follows is a scene Pixelberry could have used to provide insight into an assistive device the sighted community may not be entirely familiar with. They could have touched on degrees of visual impairment, or why some blind individuals need dark lenses while others don’t. They could even have explained that for some individuals with visual impairments, dark lenses make tasks like reading or navigating dimly lit spaces harder. Instead, and far more troublingly, MC is given the option to ask Morgan not to wear them anymore. And depending on your choice, the book is coded to remove the sunglasses from her sprite in future scenes. This reduces an assistive device to a fashion choice, something our MC can wish away if they don’t find it attractive. And that isn’t okay.

Unusual Eyes

[ID: Two side-by-side screenshots from Chapter Four of Wolf Bride. The first features a text box placed over a forest background that reads “With a start, you realize her pale eyes aren’t looking at you, aren’t seeing you, aren’t seeing anything.” The second features Morgan’s sad sprite in the same forest setting, and a text box that reads “...I’ve been blind since birth.”] Morgan has a customizable sprite. But regardless of the ethnicity you select for her, she is depicted with pale blue eyes. And that troubles me. Because the stereotype that all blind individuals have cloudy, distorted, or unusual eyes is pervasive and harmful.

Even when it isn’t tied to another harmful trope — the blind character as mystical seer or psychic — this stereotype create an expectation that blindness is something that always manifests in a visible way. And for millions of blind individuals, that isn’t the case.

And while cataracts, trauma to the eye, and corneal infections can all cause the clouded effect most of us recognize from media, none turn your brown eyes into blue. Heightened Senses

Another common stereotype in media is the blind character who’s remaining senses have become heightened as a compensatory mechanism, often to a supernatural degree.

[ID: Two side-by-side screenshots from Chapter Four of Wolf Bride. The first features Morgan’s surprised sprite in a forest setting and a text box that reads “I guess I sort of...feel things. Like the place on my cheek where the branch blocked the wind.” The second features Morgan’s neutral sprite in the same forest setting, and a text box that reads “I can smell the dew on the leaves, and the moss on the bark. Can’t you?] Individuals with visual impairment may learn to rely on their other senses to navigate the world around them. But they do not suddenly gain the ability to sense the location of a branch based on wind patterns, or to accurately throw a dart at a carnival game ballon based on its smell.

[ID: Two side-by-side screenshots from Chapter Eight of Wolf Bride. The first features a text box placed over a carnival background that reads “Pop! Pop! Pop! Three darts fly through the air, striking their targets.” The second features the white MC with straight blonde hair. Her sprite is surprised, and beneath it is a text box that reads “So you did that by smell, too?]

This trope may seem harmless — after all, it gave us Daredevil, a beloved blind superhero — but it contributes to the unachievable expectations we often place on real-world individuals with visually impairments. And that isn’t fair.

Of course, we all suspected Morgan’s abilities were due to something other than heightened senses. And that in and of itself is a problem.

Magical / Supernatural Abilities

To the surprise of no one, Morgan exhibits these unusual abilities because she is a werewolf. But choosing to give a blind character magical abilities should only be done after asking yourself some challenging questions. As visually-impaired Tumblr user @mimzy-writing-online explains:

Your blind characters don’t need a magical ability that negates their blindness. [Ask yourself why it’s so important to you to give them one]. If it’s because they can’t do all the things you want them to do without it, then should you really have written them as blind in the first place?

And that’s the thing. Morgan isn’t actually written as a blind character, not when it counts. Morgan shoots bullets with accuracy, runs through unfamiliar terrain, and navigates moving objects with ease. She doesn’t use common assistive devices like canes or screen readers. Her sunglasses are discarded at MC’s request. The scientific papers that fill her research facility are not digitized for accessibility or written in braille.

Even her dreams, which should be reflections of how she perceives reality, look identical to Bastien's — which makes no sense for someone who has been canonically blind since birth.

[ID: Two side-by-side screenshots from Chapters Five and Eight of Wolf Bride. The first features a scene from Morgan’s lucid dream. Set in a glamorous hotel, it includes visual details like twinkling lights, and patterned carpets. The color is tinted a grey-blue and the exposure on the image has been increased to an unnatural level. The second features a scene from Bastien’s lucid dream. Set in a forest, it shares the same tinted and over-exposed qualities as the first.]

Her blindness isn’t an integral part of her character. Instead, it’s a narrative device, paraded in front of the reader when it can further a central — and deeply disturbing — plot point. [content warning: discussion of discrimination and child abuse / abandonment ahead] Morgan Was Left to Die Because She Was Blind

And Jesus, what a plot point it is. In Chapter 11, we learn that Morgan was left to die in the woods because she was born “wrong, sickly, blind.” But the only canonical disability or illness she is ever shown to have is her blindness.

[ID: Three side-by-side screenshots from Chapter Eleven of Wolf Bride. The first two feature the white MC with straight blonde hair’s shocked sprite in front of a forest background. The first text box reads “I don’t understand...” followed by two dialogue options “Why was Morgan abandoned?” and “Is that what you do to full moon babies? Kill them?” The second panel’s read box reads “Just because she was blind?” The third panel features the old woman Noemi’s sad sprite, placed over a forest background. Her text box reads “If we know an infant will not survive, it is best to let it die quickly.”]

I...am frankly having a hard time thinking through the screenshot-induced fury to make a coherent argument here. To imply that blindness is an impairment so limiting that death is the only foreseeable outcome? That being born blind somehow makes a child “wrong”? The ignorance and prejudice shown in this scene is staggering.

But equally troubling is the response of the main characters to this revelation. Yes, in fiction, bad people sometimes do bad things. But Noemi isn’t shown to be a bad person. Neither is Bastien, who knew what his pack had been guilty of in the past, and even seeks to justify it to a limited degree.

Most shockingly, Morgan herself, who in the second screenshot below has just overheard that she was left to die as an infant because she is blind, isn’t angry or upset. She’s almost apologetic, still seeking a place within the pack.

[ID: Two side-by-side screenshots from Chapter Eleven of Wolf Bride. The first features Hispanic Bastien’s sad sprite in front of a forest background. The text box beneath him reads “It doesn’t happen often, Clara, but...” The second features white Morgan’s sad sprite in front of the same forest background. The text box beneath her reads “I didn’t mean any harm. Especially after...what I just overheard.”]

By introducing the idea that a child born blind cannot survive, let alone thrive, without superhuman abilities, and then failing to soundly and thoroughly refute that idea through the characters we identify with, Pixelberry is unintentionally perpetuating the same false beliefs that have led to real-world instances of infanticide for centuries. And that isn’t okay.

I don’t know where Pixelberry will go with the story from here. Perhaps in today’s chapter some of these concerns have been addressed...but I doubt it. In the meantime, I’ve also written to their support staff to express my deep concern and disappointment in the treatment of Morgan’s character. And I’d encourage you to do the same.

Will I continue to keep streaming Wolf Bride? For now, yes. My VIP subscription is already paid for, and frankly, I want to see Morgan’s arc through. I guess the small part of me that was excited for the representation is still hopeful the narrative can be corrected.

But I’ll be adding a content warning at the start of each stream for ablism, and that’s something I never thought I’d have to do. Screenshots courtesy of CrimsonFeatherGames on Youtube

#playchoices #pixelberry #choices vip #wolf bride #choices wolf bride #cw: child abuse #cw: ableism #anti-wolf bride

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autisticsupervillain · 3 years

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I don't talk about my inFAMOUS hyperfixation enough, so here's some stuff.

Dark Danny and Kessler are basically polar opposites of each other as far as Evil Future Me villains go.

Kessler: I fucked up, destroyed the world, and lost everyone I ever cared about. I need to go back in time and make sure that doesn't happen.

Dark Danny: I fucked up, destroyed the world, and lost everyone I cared about. I better go back in time and make sure that does happen.

It gets me wondering... what if Dark Danny was The Beast that Kessler wanted Cole to destroy?

Let me introduce the inFAMOUS Phantom AU.

The year is 20xx in the not so distance future. Danny Phantom finally dropped his heroic charade and embraced his ghostly nature, going on a rampage from Wisconsin to Amity Park, decimating all he sees. The Guys In White only manage to capture and contain him using their newly aquired Conduit unites. Conduits are humans who have the Conduit gene, a genetic failsafe that, when activated, could give the bearer extraordinary powers. The Conduit gene was only able to be activated recently thanks to the advancements pushed by their head scientist, Cole MacGraph.

Cole is put in charge of containing Phantom. His technology is several years ahead of the rest of the world, after all, and it's jis discoveries that unlocked the secrets of the Conduit gene and allowed Phantom to be captured to begin with.

However, Phantom is incrediblybclever and quickly thinks up a plan to escape. Taking the form of his younger, human self, Danny Fenton, Phantom tells him of his origins. Of the ghost portal that turned him half ghost, of the grand heroic adventures he had.... and of how his parents kept trying to kill him, despite his heroic deeds. Phantom claims that his ghost half and his human half have separate personalities, and that his ghost half came to despise the human race for their hatred of him.

"Please... I just want to go home. I miss my friends... I miss my mom... Wait, my parents... the Fenton Ghost Catcher! You can separate my two halves! That way my ghost half will dissolve when separated from his host!"

This is all an elaborate lie, painstakingly sprinkled with enough truth to be believable. Daniel Fenton is dead. All that happens when the Ghost Catcher is used is that the ghost (Phantom) is expunged from his non-ghost containment chamber. Phantom uses the opportunity to possess Cole with an invisible duplicate while the Conduit team recontain him. He then uses Cole's notes and free access to the facility to carefully plan his escape, whilst assassinating the Conduit team to ensure they don't stand in his way. He also kills Cole's family, both to keep them from questioning his odd behavior and to give his own strange behavior an excuse. Of course he's getting strangely close to the Conduit team, he's grieving and needs companionship.

Fortunately, Phantom didn't plan for Cole having friends outside the GIW. When Zeke Dunbar strangely stops receiving Cole's calls, he goes undercover to investigate. Putting together what happened from Cole's notes on Phantom, Zeke frees Cole with the Fenton Ghost Catcher in front of what remains of the Conduit team. Cole and Zeke escape as Phantom slaughters what remains of the Conduit team, as well as the rest of the GIW.

Zeke urges Cole to help fight off Phantom, but Cole instead becomes obsessed with resurrecting his family. He ignores Zeke's attempts to reason with him, runs away again every time Phantom shows up wherever he's hiding. Until it's to late. To late to fight back. To late to do anything. As far as Cole knows, he's the last man on Earth when Phantom sends Zeke's battered body flying through his door.

Phantom recognizes him and laughs, taunting him over the sob story he had about his family. "The best part is that it's all true, to a degree. I didn't even have to lie to trick you."

But, as soon as Dan tries to blast him, Cole is saved by two words.

"Time Out."

Clockwork appears and gives Cole a Time Medallion, before deciding to strike a deal with him. He offers Cole the chance to go 20 years back in time in order to prevent this future. Cole accepts. Taking the name Kessler upom arriving in the past, Cole gets to work.

Firstly, Kessler rejoins the GIW under his new identity, quickly rising through the ranks with his forehand knowledge and scientific prestige. He pushes development of the Conduit project ahead by several decades, giving himself powers and creating a cult of personality around himself in the process. Anyone who opposes his hostile takeover is quietly disposed of and Cole MacGrath finds himself expelled from college on mysterious grounds, never getting a chance to join the GIW.

Kessler creates a weapon called the Ray Sphere, a device designed to explode and kill any non-Conduit caught in it's blast. The Conduits will have their powers supercharged by the bio-electricity absorbed from all non-Conduits killed in the explosion, artificial advancing their development.

Kessler manipulates Cole into detonating the Ray Sphere in Empire City, before using the GIW resources to launch a hostile take over the city to "control the damage", all whilst having the government create a cover story so that Phantom doesn't get involved. Cole is forced to adabt and become stronger to survive with all the odds stacked against him, exactly as Kessler intended, forging Cole into the hero that he himself was not. After Kessler kills Cole's girlfriend to keep him from getting distracted from his mission, he challenges his past self to a climactic final battle to prove he's become as strong as he needs to be.

Cole emerges victorious and Kessler uses his final breath to show Cole visions of the future. Of the massacre of mankind, of the death of his family, of the sob story that Phantom manipulated him with. Cole is sent reeling from the revelation that Kessler is his future self and it is now up to him to save the world. As a reminder of the task he must now uptake, Cole grabs the Time Medallion off Kessler's body, not knowing it's true significance.

But, of course, that is only one path thay the parade might take. There is an equally valid timeline where Cole takes the opposite lesson from all the hardship he endures. He learns not to be responsible, but to be strong. Not to be compassionate, but to be vengeful. Not to save lives, but to gain power. While in one world Cole becomes a FAMOUS hero, in another, he becomes an inFAMOUS villain.

Both Coles set course to Amity Park, with their best friend Zeke by their side. One hoping to save the world, the other hoping to destroy the competition. Good Cole takes the sneakier approach when challenging Phantom. He has Zeke create a distraction for the Fentons by claiming to be an investor interested in their research, while Cole sneaks downstairs. MacGrath trashes the ghost portal, alongside anything else that might be useful to Phantom in the fight against him, before carving "meet me in Central Park, Phantom" into the wall with lightning.

Evil Cole takes the more direct approach, instead blasting the Fenton building apart with a giant thunder bolt. What Cole wasn't prepared for was for the Fentons to survive and for their ghost weapons to be able to harm him, forcing him back long enough for Danny Fenton to transform into Danny Phantom.

Either way, Cole MacGrath comes face to face with a Danny Phantom who is varying degrees of pissed.

Their fight is suprisingly even and both end up bring good counters to the other. Cole's resistance to mind control is sufficiently enough that he can ward off Danny's possession, his Radar Sense counters invisibility thanks to homing in on Danny's bio-electricity, while his own projectile versatility is strong enough to match most of what Danny can throw at him and then some. Danny, meanwhile, has actual flight to counter Cole's gliding, shapeshifting and Intangibility to dodge attacks, and is a better close range fighter when compared to Cole's over reliance on range. Evil Cole also has in edge in that he's willing to leverage civilian lives to give himself an edge, either by using them as hostages or by outright draining their bio-electricity to heal himself. Either way, it's a long fight that sends the two flying and fighting across all of Amity Park.

It comes to an end when Sam and Tucker and the sidelines realize Cole's weakness to water, spraying him with a hose to incapacitate him long enough for Danny to get close. Zeke rushes in to help, as do Sam and Tucker, but Danny ends up grabbing Cole's time medallion, sending the five flying off to meet Clockwork.

When there, the five witness Danny's evil future firsthand, with even Evil Cole suprised by the raw power on display by Dark Danny. Clockwork appears and explains how he sent Kessler back in time to alter history and prevent this future, but that plan "failed" so now he's going to "kill" them. However, Cole is able to quickly deduce the importance of the medallions and throws one on him and Zeke. Evil Cole only gives more to Danny and Friends upon Zeke's insistence. The five run into the future, coming face to face with Dark Danny himself.

Dan recognizes Cole, Zeke, and Clockwork's medallions, commenting about how "even dead, MacGrath's a pain in my ass". Cole and Danny try to fight him, but neither can get any good hits in, and the five are forced to run away. Cole only manages to save Zeke at the last second by blasting his time medallion, causing him to do the same to the rest of the medallions to keep Dan from following them into the past.

Cole initially thinks that that's the end of it. Danny saw his future self and was just as horrifed as they were. He's scared straight and won't be a problem anymore. Evil Cole, meanwhile, immediately goes back to trying to kill Danny to eliminate the competition. Either way, Sam and Tucker interrupt and point out that Dark Danny could still come back. He has the time medallions and if he puts them back together, he could travel back in time to prevent his past from changing. Indeed, Dark Danny is trying to do just that, as he has enough Vlad in him to try putting the advanced tech back together.

Cole and Danny are forced to train together to defeat Dark Danny, giving Danny the opportunity to learn who Cole is and what his deal is. Especially seeing how destroyed all the Fenton tech, so teaming up is the only real option. This gives Cole the opportunity to test his mettle against Danny's villains, from stomping Technus by draining all his technology to working together to beat Vlad.

Within the span of a few months, Cole and Danny are stronger than ever... and they'll have to be, because Dark Danny has arrived. The Ultimate Enemy is here, and they're the only ones who can stop him.

#danny phantom #infamous #danny fenton #cole macgrath #dark danny #kessler #zeke dunbar #sam manson #tucker foley

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the-psychopathist · 4 years

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Kilgrave Analysis

I finally finished season 1 of Jessica Jones and I had to make an analysis of this version of the Marvel villain Kilgrave (known as The Purple Man in the comics), real name Kevin Thompson in the tv series, played by David Tennant. Without further ado let’s deep in!

Kilgrave, born Kevin Thompson, developed a severe brain malfunction at a young age and was fated to become brain dead. His parents, both scientists, tried to save him with experimental treatments. But those treatments were extremely painful and even inhumane. We are first introduced to Kilgrave’s backstory through a video of him as a child, seemingly getting abused for the sake of some cruel experiments only by his parents, which are portrayed as “mad scientists”. This revelation may have brought some sympathy to Kilgrave, thinking that he was an abused child brutalized by cruel parents, but we learned later that Kilgrave lied. His parents were actually trying to save him and didn’t abandon him right after. After the experiments cured Kilgrave and gave him his mind control power, they stayed with their child and took responsibility for their actions. Young Kilgrave abused his power on them, mind controlling his parents to satisfy every of his whims, regularly throwing tantrums at them and hurting them. He forced his mother to burn her own face with a stream iron. At some point it was too much for his parents who feared for their safety and they ran away, leaving their son to survive on his own.

But, even if Kilgrave lied about certain parts of his past, it doesn’t mean his grudge against his parents was unjustified. From his perspective as a young child, his parents were torturing him. The fact they were trying to save his life doesn’t change how painful, frightening and traumatizing the experiments done on him were. We even see him panicking when he sees the video of himself getting abused. It’s normal that he grew resentful of his parents and felt like they didn’t love him and only cared about their work. With his new power, it’s not that surprising that a grudgeful and traumatized kid would have used it to get revenge on his parents, who he viewed as his abusers. And after being actually abandoned by them (although it’s understandable from their perspective), Kilgrave’s grudge only grew stronger, as well as his feeling of not being loved. He was left to survive on his own, using his power to force people to give him shelter and feed him. Honestly, it’s not that surprising that he ended up as a remorseless and unempathetic monster growing up, given his pasts and his power to literally bend anyone to his will. No wonder he ended up as a selfish prick who thinks the world revolves around him, as it literally is from his perspective.

Kilgrave confessed that he never knows when people are just acting upon his words of if their actions are from their own free will. His power most likely isolated him from others and prevented him from creating genuine bonds with others. People are basically just tools for him to satisfy his needs so he stopped seeing them as human beings. He doesn’t care about their feelings, their needs, their pains. Only his needs and feelings matter. This made him callous and remorseless, as well as causing him a serious lack of empathy and complete disregard for human lives.

When Jessica asked him if he does have a conscience or regrets his actions, he said that he does have a conscience, but that his was “selective”. Throughout the series he never showed any consideration for anyone other than himself and at a certain degree, Jessica. So it’s not that Kilgrave is unable to feel empathy, more that he became so desensitized to others’ feelings that he can’t empathize with them anymore. But it’s not impossible for him to feel a certain amount of empathy as shown with Jessica. Though this empathy has limits and he doesn’t seem to have any issues with trying to harm or kill her if it benefits him or on a whim if she enraged him. He did seem intrigued by the idea of becoming a hero, but that was just a way for him to be closer to Jessica and for his own self-satisfaction to have people be genuinely grateful to him, which he never experienced before. It just feeds his narcissistic nature.

Another characteristic of Kilgrave is his complete inability to accept any responsibilities for his actions. He forced people to kill themselves numerous times yet refused to be called a murderer. Even if they had no other choice to obey him and end their lives, he doesn’t accept the blame. He’ll blame them for being an inconvenience to him or say that he just removed nuisances from society. He also forced Hope to kill her parents as a way to get revenge on Jessica, blaming her for their death. He was apparently totally unaware that he was a rapist. When Jessica rightfully confronted him about raping her, he was genuinely shocked. He really didn’t even consider that what he was doing was rape. He denied the accusation, saying that he brought her to nice restaurants and hotels. He refuses the label of murderer and rapist because it would be like admitting his wrongdoings and he can’t. He wants to be seen as a victim and blame others for his actions.

Kilgrave is also a big egomaniac and narcissist. He’s a selfish man who doesn’t take insults against him lightly. The first time we actually saw him, he forced a rather wealthy family to shelter him, not only ordering them to let him in and feed him, but also added that they are “delighted” to have him as a guest. When Trish insulted him on radio he sent someone to kill her and after she apologized live, he was pleased enough to let her live. As mentioned earlier, he was shocked and upset when Jessica called him a rapist, thinking that she should be grateful that he brought her to nice restaurants and hotels. To him, it’s an honour to be with him. He doesn’t accept the slightless disrespect towards him and will make sure the person who dared insulting him will pay. Upon learning about Jessica’s relationship with Luke, Kilgrave felt deeply offended that she chose Luke over him, even accusing Luke of sabotaging his relationship with Jessica.

He also seemed to have abandonment issues. He resents his parents for abandoning him and, according to him, not loving him. This feeling seems to have worsened after meeting Jessica. After Jessica broke from his control and left him to die after being hit by a bus, Kilgrave felt abandoned by her. He grew to resent her and be obsessed with her. He meticulously planned his revenge against her, using Hope to do so and forcing her to kill her own parents to hurt Jessica. When he managed to convince Jessica to live with him in her old house, he grew extremely worried that she might leave him again.

That brings us to Kilgrave and Jessica's relationship. When he first met her, Kilgrave was attracted to her beauty, but also mainly intrigued by her power. Just like him, she was special. “But underneath it all the power, just like me. Though not quite as good, of course” was what Kilgrave told her. It seemed that for the first time, Kilgrave might have found someone he can relate to, someone similar to him… but, he felt the need to say “not quite as good”, showing his narcissistic side and his incapacity to see someone as a genuine equal. Despite that, we can see that Kilgrave valued Jessica differently than his other victims. He kept her for months as his “lover” (sex slave) and genuinely believed himself to be the perfect gentleman with her. At some point he even didn’t give her any orders for twelve hours, to test her loyalty and if she truly loved him. For him to even consider that, he must be delusional or desperate for Jessica’s love. For someone to actually love him. And given that Jessica is similar to him, he feels like maybe she can accept him. Kilgrave remembered this event in his own twisted reality, thinking that for the 18 seconds Jessica wasn’t under his control, she was acting true to herself, therefore actually loved him. In reality, Jessica actually tried to escape but was too slow. As a punishment, Kilgrave ordered her to cut her own ears: "You never appreciate anything I do for you. If you can't listen to me you don't need ears... Cut them off”.

Right when Jessica started to cut her ear, he changed his mind and told her to stop, gently hugging her. Kilgrave never seemed to have changed his mind when he decided to mutilate someone. I wouldn’t say he had guilt, but that he does care a little bit about Jessica. In his mind, he rewrote this memory and convinced himself that Jessica stayed with him and that she loved him. Obviously, it’s important for him to feel that someone loves and stays with him willingly, as he was never able to experience that in his life due to his power.

After Jessica broke from his control he became obsessed to get her back. He felt once again abandoned and unloved. When he finally managed to meet with Jessica again, he confessed her love to her and promised he wouldn’t use his ability on her anymore. He bought back Jessica’s childhood house without forcing the current owner to leave as a sign of good faith. He then made sure that everything is the same as when Jessica was still living there, showing his deep obsession about her. Jessica agreed to go live with him in her old house, but simply to get a confession out of him for the murder of Hope’s parents. Kilgrave is completely delusionned, convinced that he can make Jessica fall in love with him and stay with him willingly with such overconfidence. He still used brainwashed people to make sure Jessica doesn’t try to leave or hurt him and became really worried when Jessica went on a walk, showing again his fear of abandonment.

But we learned later that he didn’t promise to not use his power on Jessica out of sympathy and concern for her, but because he knew his power didn’t work on her anymore. Well, maybe he wasn’t sure, but he had a doubt, and trying to use his power on her and failing would have revealed to Jessica her advantage over him. He had to keep control, so telling her he won’t use his power anymore preserves the illusion of power he has over her and makes him look more sympathetic and in good faith. Obviously, if he was sure he could use his power on her, he would have done it without a second thought.

When Jessica deceived him and kidnapped him, interrogated him, tortured him in order to get a confession, he grew resentful against her. When confronted by his parents, he snapped, telling them how much he felt abandoned. After his mother tried to kill him to stop his rampage, he ordered her to stab herself as many years she had abandoned him, killing her.

He tried to manipulate Jessica, convincing her that she loves him and stayed with him on her own free will when he didn’t use his power for twelve hours, until she revealed to him that she just didn’t have the time to escape. This broke Kilgrave's delusion that Jessica loved him all along. Feeling unloved and abandoned once again as well as having his massive ego hurt, Kilgrave became angry at Jessica and started trying to kill her. He forced her to watch her crush Luke blow himself up and mind control him to attack her, as well as using his father’s knowledge to make his power stronger in hope he can control Jessica again. He seems to keep changing his mind between killing Jessica or getting her back, showing how impulsive and unstable he can be. He did say his conscience (empathy) is selective, and Jessica seems to be the only one he cared about, and here we can see how easy it is for him to not care anymore if it benefits him. He even said that he would enjoy killing her but still hesitate if he truly wants to kill her, control her, or break her heart.

He eventually tried to use his power once again against Jessica and seemed to have succeeded. Kilgrave thought that Jessica was playing him so he controlled Trish, forced her to kiss him and claim he will make her her slave and rape her everyday to make Jessica react. Much to his surprise, Jessica didn’t move, making him believe that his power worked again on her. He is rejoiced, ordering Jessica to smile for him, which she does. He then told her to not worry and that she’ll come to love him as he loves her, somewhat trying to comfort her and again craving Jessica’s love. But turns out, Jessica wasn’t under his control, she grabbed her neck and out of irony told him to “smile” before she breaks his neck, killing him. His obsession for Jessica and desperate need for her to love him caused his undoing.

Throughout the series, Kilgrave has been referred to as a “psychopath”, a “sociopath” and “psychotic”. Do any of those terms adequately describe him? Well, medias tends to misuse mental illnesses and disorders and throw those terms for any “crazy” murderous villains. Do any of those diagnoses actually fit Kilgrave’s mental state? Quick summary, psychopaths usually refer to someone who is born that way and has a lack of empathy, fear, stress and anxiety due to a thinner amygdala. Psychopathy is considered as a neurodevelopmental disorder, a disorder that affects the development of the nervous system and leads to abnormal brain function. Nowaday it’s often referred to as “primary psychopathy”. “Sociopath” is an outdated term that doesn’t have any medical meaning anymore. It’s more of a pop culture term used for psychopaths, antisocial personality disorders, or just evil characters in general. So let’s forget about that one. I mentioned primary psychopathy, there’s also secondary psychopathy (who is also referred to as sociopathy sometimes). Secondary psychopaths aren’t born that way, they are mold and shaped by their environment, upbringing and possible trauma. While primary psychopathy is characterized by callousness, shallow affect, manipulation, and superficial charm, while secondary psychopathy is associated with impulsivity and lack of long-term goals, and is related to hostile behaviors. They don’t totally lack empathy, their empathy is more “selective” and unstable. Antisocial Personality Disorder is a personality disorder, something that is developed, not innate. ASPD doesn’t equate a violent criminal either but is characterized by a lack of remorse and disregard for others and the law. Not all primary psychopaths have ASPD but all secondary psychopaths do and is often comorbid with borderline personality disorder, which is characterized by abandonment issues and emotional impulsivity and unstability. Both primary and secondary psychopathies are in the spectrum of narcissistic personalities (without necessary being NPD), but not everyone with ASPD is also narcissistic.

Phew. Ok now that I’m done let’s go back to Kilgrave. Let’s cross out primary psychopathy. It’s obvious Kilgrave isn’t born that way and he showed multiple times fear, stress and emotional instability. He was made that way by his environment, upbringing and trauma. I talked before about how narcissistic he was and I do believe he could have NPD. He has a grandiose sense of himself, he viewed himself as special and unique and thus above others, great sense of entitlement, exploitative, lack of empathy and arrogant. He also seems to show signs of ASPD, he fails to obey laws and norms, he’s a lying, deceptive and manipulative person and do so for his own profit or self-amusement, he’s quite impulsive, irritable and aggressive and has a blatant disregard for the safety of others, he can’t take responsibility and lack remorse for his actions. I also mentioned his abandonment issues, how he fears that Jessica will abandon him and how he craves for her love. Those might be related to borderline personality disorder, which is described as: “disturbed sense of identity, frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment and extreme reactions to such, black and white thinking, impulsivity, intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions that are disproportionate to the event or situation, unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships, distorted self-image, self-damaging behaviors, dissociation and is often accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage”.

I do think some of those criteria fits Kilgrave. I think he might have those three personality disorders or partially have them, all in the cluster B and comorbid. That would put him in the category of secondary psychopath. The fact his empathy can be selective and unstable regarding Jessica seems to also point to that conclusion.

I think Kilgrave is a well-written villain, his psychology and psyche is accurately portrayed in the series, even if his behaviours are explained they aren’t justified. He’s not just evil for the sake of being evil, we actually see how he became that way and can understand him. After all, evil is made, not born.

#jessica jones #marvel's jessica jones #kilgrave #the purple man #killgrave #kevin thompson #analysis #psychopathy #sociopathy

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cno-inbminor · 4 years

Text

ipsum exitio (pt. 1)

a/n: for reasons explained here, this fic will be released in 2 parts! i want to thank everyone again who’s expressed an interest in this, and i hope that it lives up to some expectation. this fic is really big on introspection and includes a lot of arguably necessary exposition.

but more importantly, i want to thank @/a-kaashi (raenah) for being a huge support and my beta for this piece. she’s put in so much effort and thoughts into helping me make this into what it is now, and i can’t thank her enough.

plot: self-destruction is in the calm before the storm, in the eye of a hurricane. but when the forces are right, the winds are rapid enough, the catalysts send you hurling, you find yourself leaving a monstrous and disastrous path in your wake.

characters: ushijima wakatoshi, semi eita, iwaizumi hajime (in pt. 2), and male oc, w/fem!reader possessing vagina/uterus/uterine-system (other oc’s also included)

wc: 16.5k

genre/warnings: (+18) slice of life, angst, descriptions and moments of high anxiety, explicit smut (in pt. 2) (w/slight degradation, size kink, spanking, etc.) & virginity loss, alcohol consumption, talks about virginity and sex toys, slow burn, pining, implied bisexual reader

pt. 2

A breeze flows in through the open window of your apartment, softly caressing your face as you lean against the sill on your elbows. You drink in the view of Tokyo at night like a fine wine sliding down your throat, attuning to all your senses. With tear ducts dry and dust caked along the rims of your eyes, they shut in defeat, the semblance of a white flag splayed on the back of your eyelids. Cars honk in the distance and your legs struggle to support your weight. The scent of sulfur from the earlier downpour teases at your nostrils, causing your nose to scrunch a bit as you openly take in the scenery before you again.

A nearby billboard flashes bright, mechanically cycling through advertisements and never resting. The LED lights paint a picture that you are all too acquainted with, even more so with the man in the frame. Your body is plunged into a lake of bitter nostalgia as your heart wrenches painfully. Instead of fighting against the resistance of the water and gravity, you succumb to the anchor dragging you down, knowing that eventually, the waves will recede, and you will return to shore again.

Inhale. Count. Exhale.

Breathe.

11 years ago

Shiratorizawa is and always has been a battle ground. It was a miracle that you even made it there, quite honestly. The pressure and the overwhelming suffocation of competition filled your lungs and lodged in your airway the day you moved into the dorms and attended orientation. Everyone seemed so tense, so on edge, clutching their folders and packets like lifelines while absorbing all information possible. A stray few seemed more at ease and relaxed, but to you at the time, that immediately sounded the alarms – to seemingly thrive in this environment from the very beginning could only be the marks of a dangerous but powerful person.

What became a source of comfort was the realization that everyone else felt equally as anxious as you, terrified of the hidden lions camouflaged in the masses. And each year, students crippled under the stress and high expectations – if you had to make an estimate, at least 83% of the student body would experience a breakdown during the time of final exams. But in the midst of all this academic madness, this debilitating drive to do more and reach beyond the sky, everyone found refuge in the school’s sports teams. Be it basketball, swimming, diving, volleyball, tennis – chances were someone in the top 5 of their respective sport within the prefecture would be at Shiratorizawa, and nothing proved more freeing than screaming your lungs out for the prides of your school.

Interestingly enough, you had found that liberation in the volleyball team, being able to turn off your brain with a switch and focus on something that had nothing to do with the filled pages of incomplete to-do lists in your agenda. Air batons in hand, water bottle by your side for the inevitable dry throat, you hollered and chanted with everyone else in the stands and watched the opponents surrender at the feet of none other than Ushijima Wakatoshi.

A force to be reckoned with, a skill that was so beautifully and adeptly honed, you understood very early on the massive admiration for the boy. Even only at 16, Wakatoshi had the physique of a grown man, the severity of his complexion intimidating everyone within 100 meters of him. The terrifying force of his spike and devilish spin resulting from being dominant in his left hand left the crowds in awe. It was evident that the coach used this to the team’s advantage, and suddenly, you felt the burning desire to be on the floor. You wanted to sit on the bench, to see his movement from the side and within an envious proximity – no worry for stray balls, only the chance to witness something so athletically beautiful and magnificent.

And even though you were crushed under a mountain of assignments and projects, as well as a whole slew of mini-projects you had given yourself to make your life harder, you were determined to add this on your list. The lack of self-control in pursuing your desires was going to kill you in the future, but this was not the day. So you dove in towards the trenches, filled out an application, gave all the reasons why having you as a manager would be more help than harm, and suddenly, you were standing on the side of the court next to coolers of water bottles.

You didn’t bother hiding your adoration for Wakatoshi, always having had a bit of a soft heart for the strong, silent type. He was a boy of few words, and each one seemed carefully chosen yet also charmingly candid. Most, except for his teammates, were relatively terrified to talk to him, but he was always polite and thanked you for your hard work. Perhaps it was your constant vulnerable state induced by stress that made you more likely to develop your first real crush on someone, to search for a refuge of sorts. Wakatoshi always seemed to have his life together, and it became painfully obvious to the others that you had developed affections for the school ace. Satori teased you endlessly, going as far as scheduling a poor attempt at an intervention to get a confession out of you. Whether it had been out of pity or a relentless amount of pressure from peers (read: Satori, again), Wakatoshi, by the grace of something powerful, accepted your feelings. Nevertheless, he was very clear in pointing out that this wouldn’t be like any other relationship.

“When not in class, I am most likely at volleyball practice. I do not subject myself to public displays of affection.”

“I understand.”

“I will also likely not have time for dates. I am sure you are aware of this with our heavy course load.”

“Of course.”

“But I will try my best to reciprocate some of your feelings. I have no experience in this, as you might know, but all I ask is for your support.”

“That’s without question.”

“Very well then. Are you sure you want to continue with this?” He inquired, his eyes boring straight into yours to search for the answer.

Little did you know that your affirmation had signed a warrant for your soul, a revelation that would only unearth just thirteen months later.

Being in a relationship with Wakatoshi was easy. There was no need for all the overthinking of whether your actions would annoy him or not; or drive him away from you. If he had qualms about how you were acting, he wouldn’t bother with beating around the bush and instead tell you very directly, though gently as well. In the beginning, it was much easier to be quiet around him than to speak; the theme of your relationship would simply be ‘comfortable silence’.

He eventually became more relaxed around you with time, sometimes even voicing his worries and slight frustrations after practice while helping you clean up. Wakatoshi greatly appreciated how you were always ready to listen to him, despite the tremble in your muscles and dark eye bags from fatigue. You even joined him on his morning runs sometimes despite the fact you could only survive a small leg of it, turning back towards the campus when not even a fifth of his distance in. With advice from Satori, he had asked for more details about your day and your life in general, his brain filling in the gaps of the mental picture he had of you.

What once was a mere outline, roughly penciled-in of nothing more than your physique, the more he learned, the more colors he painted in. To him, you were shades of navy and gray with dashes of gold, emerald, midnight black, magenta, and rouge. The final picture was nothing close to artistic, but it lent to his understanding of your overall personality: unwillingly scattered, pained, anxious, yet determined and compassionate to a fault.

Procrastination was your best friend, you had told him one evening on a newly established weekly stroll, especially when it came to large assignments. You weren’t an organized planner – instead, you would let ideas stew and boil in your head, only mental images of the process and final result there until you couldn’t wait any longer to pen it down. Then you would pull nights of just three to five hours of sleep, running on caffeine and pure drive. What was even more frustrating was that you would find trouble for yourself, avoiding assignments by coming up with new unrelated projects that most definitely did not need to be on your priority list.

For example, if you had a presentation due in a week to discuss the 5 main themes of Great Expectations in front of your class, you’d first let all scenarios of it play out in your head. Then when it became too much, you’d go off and do something for the volleyball club that wasn’t on top of the agenda or complete a question set for the Math Olympiads club you were in as well. Considering those were more positive, productive digressions, other times you would pick up another book to read and feel the need to finish, download a new game on your phone, or scour the internet for cooking videos on the best ways to make hayashi rice.

What amazed (and somewhat alarmed) Wakatoshi was that you would pull it all together in the end. Not only were you balancing academics and extracurriculars, you were bearing the weight of your friends’ worries and stress on your shoulders with the biggest smile you could muster, casting aside most of your well-being to make room for theirs, as well as this relationship with him. Projects were still completed, assignments still mostly unflawed turned in, management of their team still in top shape, and being almost a perfect partner suited for his taste. All were held in stride, even if it was obvious to him that after major assignments were completed, you were either smiling less, saying fewer words, or stuck in your head more often. And he knew, as you had expressed one time out of exhaustion and beaten defenses, you were worried that you still weren’t good enough.

So the cycle continued. In waves and a whirlpool, Wakatoshi watched you unravel and tighten, unravel and tighten, unravel and tighten, desperate to prove that you had a place in this academy just as much as anyone else. Time and time again, you had voiced your worries and doubt, and every time, he assured you that yes, you were worthy of your place here. You knew the boy never lied to comfort others, and he knew that you knew this. He began to grow displeased with your mental reservations, finally determining one March evening of your second year that he could no longer continue this relationship with you.

Satori, of course, had protested vehemently. (“You can’t just break up with her like that, it’s cruel!”). Wakatoshi failed to understand the social implications, ignoring the advice from his friend as he prepared for the routine, weekly stroll with you. When he slipped his sneakers on, his muscles remembered to grab his spare jacket as you were prone to feel chilly on these nights. It wasn’t until the end of the stroll when your nose was slightly tinged red at the tip and your figure engulfed in his jacket, did he hesitate at the intersection between the boys’ and girls’ dorms, and Wakatoshi being the blunt human he is, voiced his thoughts.

“I think it would be good to end this relationship,” he stated with no warning, yet felt a twinge of guilt when your face fell and froze into a subtle state of shock. He let you process his words, patiently waiting for your response.

Inhale. Exhale. Deep breaths. But not too deep. Don’t freak him out. How do you stop freaking yourself out? Oxygen. Lungs.

Inhale. Exhale.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, training your eyes to look straight into his right shoulder, tracing the logo of the ICS foot. Hell knows you’re not tall enough to see past it. “Have I been asking for too much of your time?”

“No.”

“…Have I been too clingy?”

“No.”

“Then…what’s the reason?” You shakily asked, tears of confusion beginning to prick at the corners of your eyes.

“…you’ve spread yourself too thin.”

This time, it was only appropriate to look at him straight on. As always, there was no hesitation evident in them, his direct truth bleeding through his retinas. It must have been words that he had decided on long ago to describe your mental state.

“Please elaborate,” you softly demanded, subconsciously hugging your arms at the biceps.

“You’re doing too much. You think you can do it all, but you’re simply unable to. It’s okay, but I think this relationship is one more thing on your plate that you don’t need.”

But you heard it. You branded the image of his words in your brain and read between the lines, running on overdrive as the darkness rapidly ate at you. It was easy for the demons to sneak in with dubious tones, repeating the phrase that you had been fighting so hard to keep buried inside—

You’re not good enough.

Perhaps you had become a burden to Wakatoshi. You had turned into the thorn in his side, something he no longer wanted to tolerate and keep in his life. Perhaps it was expected, you bitterly thought while shrugging off his jacket. The bite of the cold night teethed and gnawed at your skin, but the pain was almost welcomed now. He took the fabric without a word, only feeling slightly guilty at the sight of stray tears gradually streaking down your cheeks.

“Okay,” you sniffled, arms wrapped around yourself again for some vague sense of protection. “That’s fine, I get it. You have Nationals and the Youth team as well – it’s mainly best for you to end this.”

“(Y/n) –”

“It’s really okay, Wakatoshi. I appreciate you being straightforward with me. I’ll see you at practice,” you quickly interjected and turned to trek back towards the dorm, sending a quick but lifeless wave behind you. The shards of whatever was left of your soul trailed behind you like scattered stars on the concrete. Even when your roommate and friend brought your disheveled figure into her arms, they did little to ward off the parasitic spectres in your mind.

You spent most of that night tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep despite the exhaustion weighing down on your eyelids. Your thoughts refused to cease for just one second in its brutal beatdown on your heart, having played back every moment you possibly messed up on from the day Wakatoshi accepted your feelings to the time of separation. The questions began to plague the blood in your veins, your heart thrashing erratically and causing a cold sweat to break over your skin. Gentle, warning waves of nausea churned through your stomach as the anxiety effectuated into its more menacing, ghastly manifestation. You felt your breaths quicken out of panic and screwed your eyes shut – what did you do cope before? What could ground you behind the rails before you fell over the edge and into the folds of a dark ocean?

Deep breaths. Count. Breathe. Exhale. Start from 100.

Inhale.

Count.

Exhale.

Repeat.

You fell asleep before you hit 20.

You stayed on as the manager despite every ounce of your heart demanding you to quit and run, pettily attempting to prove Ushijima wrong. Satori directed empathetic glances your way multiple times for a few days, but you never wavered. There was no time to feel sorry for yourself or accept pity from others, especially as Nationals was right around the corner. Getting away from campus excited you and as much as the trip was about volleyball, the boys looked forward to spending a few days in the capital.

But the championship fell short, and soon, the third year began.

Your roommate was understandably concerned. On top of more rigorous classes and upcoming college entrance exams, you balanced your manager position, math club, an online job tutoring English, and yearbook duties. It was an absolute miracle that you found enough hours in the day to be on top of everything, and you were proud. This not only meant that you didn’t just peak in middle school, but it also meant that you could do all these things and still turn out great. At the end of the day, a sense of pride overwhelmed you more than anything – this had to be your way of defeating your anxieties: occupy yourself until there was no time to think about them.

The months rolled by. Your cycle continued. Shiratorizawa fell to their knees in front of Karasuno. You got into The University of Tokyo. Graduation proceeded without a hitch.

To your naïve, broken soul, the stars seemed to have aligned and the puzzle pieces were fitting. But to those around you, they could only watch as you fell deeper into the massive hole you dug on your own, dirt smudged on your cheeks and hands blistered from the wooden handle of the shovel. You were going to snap again one day, and it would be more painful than the first.

University soon gave you an adequate understanding of what exactly your personality had unfortunately become: self-destructive. At the time, you had only thought it appropriate to disregard your own health for those you loved (and there were quite a few of them) while balancing academics. That fault was one you had long come to terms with: that you gave away too much of yourself. Someone needed to rant at 1AM? Your phone ringer was always on at full volume (unless you were, of course, in class). Someone needed a ride to the airport? You were there, jokingly asking them to bring you back a snack from their travels as thanks. Someone needed to crash at your place for a day or two to get away from a shitty ex? Extra blankets and sheets, as well as an air mattress from home, were all prepared in the cupboard at your apartment.

As demanding as Shiratorizawa was, Todai stressed you out on another level, especially with your business major and computer science minor. On several occasions, Ushijima’s words had rung loud and clear, echoing in the chambers of your mind. “You’ve spread yourself too thin,” his baritone voice plagued you at the most inopportune times of the day (read: when you were attempting to balance, again, too many things).

And as much as you enjoyed the companionships of your friends, both old and new, you began to achingly yearn for a more intimate relationship that would allow you to collapse into comforting arms, especially on days that endlessly dragged you on your feet. The fact that it was only freshman year made your head spin, but nothing could truly deter you from your deepest desires.

You should have realized that this would only result in isolation with nothing but wooden walls, a balcony, and a shattered heart to keep you company.

7 years ago

“I agree,” Sayuri, a senior and close friend from the art department, affirmed when you expressed this romantic aspiration to her over ramen at a nearby izakaya one September night of your sophomore year. “Everyone’s so obsessed with their careers these days, you included,” she jabbed and pointed stained bamboo chopsticks at you, causing your shoulders to flinch and hunch back in some shame. “Buy some alcohol, give yourself some free nights. The only times I see you doing something not related to school is when I drag you out on weekend shoots with me.”

Sayuri was an expressive girl who took the world in stride and captured the streets of Tokyo with her camera like no other. The two of you had met in an interest organization meeting, instantly bonding over similar pastimes and your two personalities just clicked. She somehow embodied everything you weren’t, and you deeply loved her. More often than not, Sayuri was the one to keep you from completely losing yourself, absolutely refusing to let you become a mindless soul stuck in a business suit and wedged between the crowds in a subway, needlessly calculating away to gain more greed and wealth. “You’re too good for that,” she once told you when you had unexpectedly showed up at her door, drenched from the rain and your own tears caused by a string of unfortunate events.

(“You’re at your best when you’re a little more free, a little more relaxed, you know?”)

“But your weekend shoots are fun!”

“Which is exactly why you should do more other fun stuff!” Sayuri exclaimed before she took a sip from her bottle of ramune. “You know what? Tonight. We’re gonna download Tinder and tapple. You’re a hot commodity, and there’s gotta be some decent guy who’s down for a few casual dates. Hell, you might even have a better chance at finding another girl who can treat you right.”

“You’re not wrong,” you sighed. “Some men can be such pigs sometimes.”

“A-fucking-men.”

Sayuri rarely ever went back on her word, and much to your chagrin, you found yourself curled up next to her on her cream faux-leather couch. Her arm slung over your shoulders as she helped you pick out your best photos, including a shot she had taken of you when she begged you to be her subject on one of her shoots. “My professor needs me to practice portrait shots, please please please help me out here?” She had implored a couple weeks ago, and because you could never say no, you had grumbled your agreement before putting on a nicer outfit and some light makeup. You weren’t going to lie – those were some of the best pictures of you by far, and made you look much more attractive than you ever thought or felt.

A bio was set, photos strategically ordered, and you were tossed into the world of online dating.

“This is a really bad idea,” you groaned ten minutes later as Sayuri swiped through the profiles showing up in your pool. “I haven’t even slept with anyone before.”

“Oh honey, I bet half of these men only ever got their dick wet once and came in two minutes flat. They think they’re impressing someone but they’re only fooling themselves,” Sayuri scoffed and then grimaced at a man’s daringly shirtless mirror selfie. “This poor guy needs to eat more; I can see his ribcage! You don’t need someone who doesn’t appreciate food.”

“What if he’s got an eating disorder?” You seriously speculated, heart going out to the possibility of that.

“Well now you make me feel bad after swiping left on him and – oh hey! You got a match!”

“What? Who the hell did you swipe right on?!” You screeched; chin craned to get a good look at the person on your phone.

“Calm down, you don’t need to worry! I have impeccable taste in men! Hey, don’t give me that look,” she cried out when she saw the questioning raise of one of your eyebrows. “Look, he was cute, had a safe bio, and he goes to Tokyo Tech! So he’s a smartypants like you! Guy must’ve been swiping around too for there to be a match this early.”

“So he’s just desperate and I got swiped right on for passing his minimum standards? Am I supposed to feel like I should be given an award?” You scowled.

“Just wait for him to message first. Keep it light and breezy, we’ll see if he’s suspicious later,” Sayuri waved off, continuing with her search for your perfect, laid-back date.

“But seriously, I’m worried some guy is gonna start expecting sex from me,” you huffed, leaning back to lay your head on her shoulder. Instinctively, she rested her own on top of yours.

“You’re really worried, huh?”

“Makes me a little anxious, yeah,” you admitted, fingers fiddling with a stray thread on the sleeve of your old Shiratorizawa jacket.

“Tell me about it.”

“Well...I’m not waiting until marriage or anything. I’m not putting my virginity on a pedestal or anything, I just kinda want to get it over with, you know? I know your first time probably isn’t all flowers and rainbows, but I figured that I’d at least want to lose it to someone I trust.”

“So you’ve thought about this quite a bit then?”

“Have for a while, if I’m honest.”

“Name them.”

“But—”

“Names, (y/n). I gotta make sure they’re good enough for you.”

“They’re decent, I promise. I mean, I just know they’d never hurt me or throw me to the curb after it happens.”

“You do realize that’s the bare minimum, right?”

“Do you want names or not?”

“Okay okay, go.”

You exhaled as blood rushed to your cheeks. To say their names out loud made it much more embarrassing, especially since there was a high chance they never thought about you sexually before.

“Semi Eita, Daichi Sawamura, and…Ushijima Wakatoshi,” you mumbled the last name, knowing Sayuri’s less-than-positive feelings for the guy. She knew the entire history of your relationship with him, not that it involved a whole ton, but she was just overly protective of you.

“Ushijima Wakatoshi?? Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“Did you not hear the other two?” You squealed, swatting her with a sleeve that you had retracted your arm into.

“Okay, fine, but tell me about them.”

“Promise not to laugh?”

“Can’t.”

“Ugh, okay look. Eita is...he’s a nice guy. He seems a little rough around the edges, but he was always soft with me. Never gave me a hard time until he got replaced with another starting setter our third year, but he knew it was for the better of the team, as much as he didn’t like it. And even though his competitive streak got the best of him sometimes, he just...I don’t know. He’s dependable in his own way, stuck with me after the break-up and would check in on me from time to time. We still keep in touch a little.”

“Find me a picture of him, then tell me about the other guy.”

“Sure,” you agreed, tapping and swiping through your phone, mainly scrolling through years and years of photos you had kept. “Daichi-san is...well, he’s like if Wakatoshi was more emotionally available.”

“(Y/n), anyone is more emotionally available than Ushijima.”

“He softened up towards the end of our third year, okay? Cut him some slack, please. Anyways,” you cut Sayuri off. “I met Daichi-san our third year briefly during the Spring Qualifiers for Nationals. Extremely nice guy, mature, seemed pretty dependable being the captain of a team with some rowdy underclassmen at the time,” you lightly laughed at the memories.

“You’re really into the dependable type, aren’t you? Reliable? Takes care of you? Can relieve your stress at the end of a long day? Do you have a da—” Sayuri insinuated suggestively, wiggling her eyebrows until you finally interrupted her.

“Hey, there’s no kink-shaming in this friendship!”

“I’m just teasing, babe. Go on about Mr. Dependable” she giggled, causing you to roll your eyes as you continued.

“I saw him a bit more when I picked up a part-time job at a local convenience store for a couple months, only because I quit my online tutoring job. It was just before graduation, but he visited a few times. Seemed like it was closer to his house than the one he usually stopped at by his school. It was never busy, and he’d stick around to chat.”

“Oh my god, he was into you!”

“What? No! Like I said, he’s honestly just really, really nice. Did you know he’d buy his teammates buns every once in a while?”

“Oh, for the love of God, you had a crush on him, too!”

“Fine, just a tiny one!” You quickly admitted while batting away Sayuri’s excitable swats on your thigh. “But I was worried he was just some rebound crush, and he was staying in Miyagi while I was preparing to move here, so it’s not like anything would’ve happened. He was funny, too, and always asked about my well-being even though he didn’t really know me. Honestly, he was too good for me,” you said quietly and seemingly deflated.

“Nobody’s ever too good for you,” Sayuri comforted and pulled you into her arms. “I don’t care how perfect they are. If anything, you’re too good for them.”

“You hype me up too much,” you smiled sadly, holding onto her intertwined limbs. “I just...he didn’t deserve to get pulled into my mess. And it’s not just him – nobody deserves to. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone because I couldn’t get my shit together.”

“...even if you get hurt yourself?” Sayuri murmured.

Your silent, solemn answer spoke volumes. Life had turned you into somewhat of a martyr, someone absolutely terrified of inconveniencing others, yet relentless in your support for the important individuals around you.

“One day,” Sayuri started gently. “You’re gonna find a guy who loves and cherishes you to no end. You’re gonna get a taste of the love that you give to others, and he’ll never let you go. He’ll stick with you through everything, and you’ll realize that you do deserve that kind of love. It’s inevitable, really only a matter of time. And maybe he’ll show up when you least expect it. Just don’t give up yet, okay?”

“...okay,” you mumbled, tightening your grip momentarily as a tacit gesture of gratitude. “Sayuri, if we’re 30, single, and same-sex marriage gets legalized in Japan, can we get married?”

“Sweetie, we don’t have to do it in Japan, might as well just move to the U.S. and get married there. So yeah, sounds like a plan,” Sayuri agreed, half-joking.

And she knew you meant it, too.

6.5 years ago

You (jokingly) blamed Sayuri completely for anything that happened on Tinder afterwards.

Many casual conversations turned fruitless, never getting to the level of comfort that you felt you wanted to meet someone face-to-face. The search became more of a pastime than anything, and it became the same old, boring procedure. Reintroducing yourself and your interests for what seemed like the twentieth time existed like an unwanted pill you had to swallow every day, a habit done with a sense of boredom and banality. Sayuri called you picky, and perhaps you were looking too much into it. But you were allowed to have standards, right?

About half a year after your first night with Tinder, you found a person that you felt somewhat okay with. Ito Tsugumi was a junior at the Tokyo Medical and Dental University living in the undergraduate campus. He seemed respectable, understanding, and never made fun of your own interests and likes. The guy completely understood that this was casual, but he still wanted to meet you at least once, take you out for coffee or something and see where it goes from there. And that was perfectly fine with you.

March weather meant it was still pretty chilly in Japan and living by the ocean didn’t exactly help. You were glad that this was just a coffee date, because not only did it mean you could indulge in a nice cup of hot chocolate, but you also didn’t have to worry too much about how nice you looked because all of that could be sacrificed in the name of warmth. If Tsugumi was going to judge you based on your outfit designed for comfort, he wouldn’t be worth your time anyways.

Anxiety coaxed you into arriving at the designated café ten minutes early, shakily paying with your card and almost dropping it en route to the cashier’s hands. You spotted an empty two-seater along the back wall, but not right by the glass window where the frost would most likely creep through. Positioned in a seat so you’d have a decent view of the entrance, you sent a frantic text to Sayuri for moral support because your nerves were absolutely frying at the moment, to which she sent you a Sailor Moon GIF of Usagi throttling Minako before a message that read, “you’re a cute piece of ass and he knows it. flaunt it babe!” Rouge flooded your cheeks out of the embarrassment that was now mixing with the butterflies in your stomach, and luckily you fought it down when the door rang open.

If you had to be honest, Tsugumi looked more handsome in person than in his pictures, and that screamed danger to you. He only had to look around the café once before spotting you and quickly made his way to your table with a smile. While part of you had registered it as a bit of a Cheshire grin, you immediately dismissed it as a product of your paranoia. This was just a meeting with something warm to drink, right? There was no rule stating that a relationship had to come out of this. If he ever gave off a warning sign, all you had to do was run and never speak to him again. Easy.

You stood from your seat, almost entirely putting your weight on the table when your legs momentarily refused to cooperate with you. The grin on his face held firm as you bowed to each other in greeting and you couldn’t help but have a small one of your own. Were you flattered that he arrived five minutes ahead of the original meeting time? Perhaps just a little, but maybe you were sweating the small details too much.

“Have you already ordered? I can get us something,” he offered. Just as you were about to let him know that you already bought a drink, one of the baristas showed up with a large mug of hot chocolate and set it down with a table napkin. You quickly bowed and thanked them before turning back to Tsugumi sheepishly, gesturing awkwardly towards the white porcelain cup.

“It’s really nice of you to offer though,” you tried to appease. “We’re all broke university students anyways, I wasn’t going to make you buy me a drink.”

“I would’ve been more than happy to,” he replied warmly, a sense of adoration in his eyes that seemed far too intimate for just a first meeting. Nevertheless, his gaze made you avert your own to trace the swirls in your drink. “I’ll be right back,” he continued before leaving to order. Good, this gave you a few necessary moments to gather your bearings.

You needed to calm the fuck down. This wasn’t your first rodeo, though Sayuri would vehemently disagree. “Weekly walks around your high school campus don’t count as dates, (y/n),” she quipped in the past, giving up when you, for the thousandth time, defended Wakatoshi and his actions. And you had been very attracted to him as well, so what was so nerve-wracking about this now? Your relationship with Wakatoshi had held far more implications if things ever ended badly, with the same social circles and everything. Ito Tsugumi was merely a dot outside of most of your realms and possessed very little power over the important things in your life. Your focus needed to be on something else for the time-being, like the smell of ground beans with sweet traces of freshly baked pastries, or the faint coffeehouse music playing through the speakers, or the pots of devil’s ivy hanging from the ceiling. Just anything besides wondering if you had stray hairs out of place, or if your makeup wasn’t blended correctly, if your nails looked asymmetrical—

You had put on your best “I’m doing great!” face once Tsugumi was returning to his seat opposite of you. At first, nothing was said and the both of you could only laugh at the awkward shift in air. But when you spotted a faint shade of scarlet on his cheeks, you felt that you could let out a breath of relief because perhaps, you weren’t the only one feeling a little nervous.

Tsugumi was a wonderful conversationalist and an appreciator of comfortable silence. He seemed just as nice as he was in his messages, and when you went on occasional ramblings of something you felt passionate about, he listened attentively and always asked the right questions at the appropriate times. Even when you profusely apologized for talking too much the first time, he only gave you a blinding smile with his head tilted cutely before saying, “It’s okay, I like listening to you talk.”

And your heart was nearly set aflame.

Two hours easily passed the both of you by, with you discovering much more about him: He wanted to be a dermatologist, had lived in Tokyo his whole life, doted excessively on his mother who owned a little bakery near his house, had a good bond with his older brother who was working to be a pilot, was aware of the fact that he came off as a douchebag sometimes, admitted to some said stereotypical douchebag behaviors, and owned a cute little bobtail cat named Renji. Tsugumi eagerly asked for another chance to meet with you, promising that he would buy your drink no matter what. Is it allowed that someone even dares to match your view of perfection? Is he flying too close to the burning star?

You learned a few weeks later that you should have never given him the chance.

And what was absolutely infuriating was that you should’ve noticed it sooner. The sun he was reaching so highly for was not to become the perfectly flawed man, but attempting to attain something out of greed and selfish desires. He was abandoning any apathy for the people he drew into his sticky web as long as they helped him build his wings, and you fell for it.

(“I like you a lot, you know? You’re probably one of the nicest girls I’ve ever met.”

“With your history of partners, that’s not possible,” you laughed softly. “You probably met way more nicer girls, just never got the time to get to know them.”

“I’m serious, though. I think I’m pretty lucky meeting you.”

“…thank you.” But you couldn’t bring yourself to believe him.)

With Ushijima, perhaps you had jumped in too quickly; so with Tsugumi, you made sure to maintain a healthy distance at all times. You were determined to take this slow and learn from your previous mistakes, and while that could have saved you a whole world of hurt, it wasn’t enough. Tsugumi wove you into his life by joining you on study dates, always doing his best to meet you at your university library instead of his, bringing you small snacks you had mentioned liking once or twice, calling you frequently when you were both free to check up on you and ask how your day was, and even dragging you along to meet his mother at her bakery. By that time, only three weeks had passed, and you had become (rightfully) concerned.

The gentle chime of the bell on the bakery doors had quietly alerted the matriarch of the Ito family of a customer’s arrival, and though her face had visibly brightened at the presence of her younger son, hesitation quickly crossed her eyes as they landed on you and the intertwined hands. Minute facial reactions could speak volumes, so you took that glance to heart as something to healthily ponder over, knowing that there must be some reason for it. His mother was nothing but polite, even gifting you an almond croissant when Tsugumi mentioned it was one of your favorite pastries. You desperately tried to pay, almost embarrassed that you were given something for free, but she wouldn’t have it and Tsugumi had to drag you out before you snuck too much change into the tip jar. But after you had bowed and had begun to wave goodbye, another emotion formed on her face and nearly caused you to stumble.

(Minutes later, you had placed it as pity.)

It all came to sense when Sayuri frantically called you the next night, strumming up every possible curse against “stupid, greedy swine in the form of men”, Tsugumi’s name laced between the syllables slipping off her tongue. You had immediately shut your notebook closed, trying to calm her down, “Hey, whoa, slow down Sayuri, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Holy fuck, (y/n), he’s got a fucking girlfriend!”

Three things crossed your brain then. 1) You were glad that you had maintained the walls around your heart, 2) Tsugumi was cheating on his girlfriend, and 3) you were unexpectedly not surprised that something like this had come up. Your dating life had started with a streak of bad luck, and you were pretty convinced that it would strike again, no matter what.

But that hadn’t stopped you from feeling your heart drop to your feet, simultaneously also feeling the breath get knocked out from your chest. Completely speechless, you spent a few seconds processing Sayuri’s words and quickly after, the anger began to simmer through your veins. In fact, you weren’t exactly angry that he had strung you along (due to your guarded, paranoid detachment) – you were more furious at the fact that he was probably cheating on some lovely girl, and even if she wasn’t lovely, nobody deserved to be cheated on. Not even a snake like Tsugumi.

You sighed. “Well, how’d you find out?”

“You said the fucker didn’t have social media? Well I decided to snoop because who doesn’t have social media these days—” “Plenty of people don’t, Sayuri.” “Well, with his looks and his past – again, it’s not a problem that he’s slept around, he can do whatever the hell he wants for all I care AND as long as he doesn’t have double standards – but I figured there had to be something out there. I found an old Twitter account, then found what I thought was his ex-girlfriend’s account but it’s actually his girlfriend’s account, and it turns out, he’s got a newer Twitter account he actually keeps up with. He thinks he might be slick, but the idiot didn’t even put his profile on private.”

You held the phone between your shoulder and ear as Sayuri spelled out the girlfriend’s Twitter handle to you, your fingers simultaneously typing it into your web browser. Another handle is listed in her cutesy bio, saying that she belonged to the owner of this other profile, and when you open it in another tab, Tsugumi’s face stares straight back at you. Sayuri was right – he had done a pretty shit job at hiding this. A cursory look through his tweets and hers, everything you needed to know was there.

She was a first year at a university in Kyoto who spoke highly of Tsugumi, tweeting photos of them two and tagging him quite often, and her friends all supported their relationship. It made you feel sick to your stomach that you had been spending time with a cheater, one who was throwing away a three-year relationship.

“Are you okay, (y/n)?” Sayuri asked through the speaker. You didn’t realize that you had been quiet for the last few minutes, so wrapped up in your thoughts.

“I need to talk to him,” you said quietly as your heart began to race. Confrontations were not your forte, no matter how much your business classes tried to prepare you to be a stronger speaker. It should be easy, like ripping off a Band-aid, yet the idea of calling Tsugumi up and telling him that you had to stop seeing each other wracked your nerves like an earthquake.

“Easy. Call him and tell him to go fuck himself, then hang up and block his number. He doesn’t deserve any more of your time.”

“I know, but…you know I’m not good at this kind of stuff. And I’ve never had to have this conversation with anyone before…”

“(Y/n). You used to manage a whole team of teenage athletes, and I know there were a ton of times when you had to put your foot down and get them in line. Treat this snake like one of them, get it through his head that he should burn in hell—” “Sayuri!” “—and then avoid him for the rest of your life.”

You sighed again and massaged your temples. That’s right, you could be firm, and with Tsugumi who you hadn’t been that close to, it should be easy to just let him know that the act was up. Yeah, you could do this.

“Do you want to keep me on the call?” Sayuri asked, her anger finally simmering down.

“No, it’s okay, I can handle this. But thank you though.”

“Yeah of course,” she replied softly, compassionately. “Are you okay though?”

“Well…maybe it hasn’t fully hit me yet, but it’s frustrating.”

“You can be angry, you know.”

“I’m not angry, I just…” you hesitated, searching for the right words to better describe your feelings. But without control, your throat began to close and choke, salty tears clouding your vision. You desperately tried to hold back the first sob with a hand over your mouth, panic striking your heart at the sudden rush of despair, but Sayuri quickly caught on.

“(Y/n)...” Sayuri cooed, her tone sympathetic and soft.

“No, if—if I’m angry,” you hiccupped, wiping your spilled tears away messily. “That means I cared, even though I told myself I shouldn’t have,” your voice cracked and heaved another sob as your heart took the final twist of the knife. Everything that you had tried doing to prevent the painful effects of possible disappointment were coming to crash down on you, and all for nothing. Sayuri held silent and let you cry out your anguish – she knew better than anyone that you just needed these moments of catharsis, to let all your emotions out before you would try to think logically again.

“God, I’m such a fucking idiot,” you blubbered after a couple of minutes, standing to retrieve a tissue from the kitchen.

“You’re not, really. You give people the benefit of the doubt and try to see the best in them. Usually that’s not bad, but…an asshole decided to come along and take advantage of it. Don’t beat yourself up, okay?”

“I’ll try but…fuck, it’s so embarrassing to think about it now. All the signs were probably there, right? And I just believed everything he told me,” you sniffled, setting your phone down with the speaker on as you blew your nose.

“I’ll be there in the next hour or so,” she stated resolutely, and you could hear her moving around her apartment.

“Sayuri, you don’t—”

“Don’t be silly, (y/n). It’s not a good time to be alone now, okay? You want me to pick anything up from that convenience store by the station?”

You had let out another mucus-y sniffle, eyes roaming over the cabinet door of where your snacks were. “…can you see if they’ve got a bag of that flower plum candy I like? If not, a bag of nori-shio chips, please.”

“Of course. Hang in there, okay? Don’t call or text him until I’m there.”

“Got it. Thank you so much.”

“You don’t need to thank me, (y/n). And look…,” Sayuri trailed off and your ears caught onto her shutting and locking a door. “It’s okay to ask for help, you know? Especially if it’s me, so don’t forget that.”

“But—”

“I know you’d do the same thing for me, right?”

“Of course.”

“Then there’s no problem. I’ll be there as soon as possible, will keep you updated. Love you!”

“Love you too, Sayuri. Be safe.”

Click.

Two hours later, with an opened bag of candy in the cabinet and an empty bag of chips in the trash can, sleep came to you and Sayuri in your bed, and you had never felt luckier.

Based on Tsugumi’s calling habits, you weren’t surprised that your phone rang on the dining table sometime around 10AM, the screen lit up with a picture you had taken of him at the library on one of your study dates. It amazed you for a second how easily your emotions could be flipped around, that this specific set of colored pixels had once brought you a tiny amount of fondness and only now twisted your face in extreme discomfort. Last night, you and Sayuri had run through all possible scenarios of why Tsugumi decided two-timing was something to engage in, including his possible thought process behind getting you involved in his life so quickly. At the end of it, two things were 99% certain: you were going to let him explain, and you were not going to give him a second chance.

“It’s like ripping off the Band-aid,” Sara had echoed your previous analogy when talking about your worries and hesitations in the confrontation again last night. “The quicker you get it over with, the better.”

“But it’s the ripping-off that’s the worst part, not what comes after. Tsugumi isn’t one to give candid, quick explanations either. He’ll probably try to get me to forgive him, which only prolongs the inevitable. So it’s…a slow rip, not the kind where you can bite your tongue and yank it off as fast as you can – and it’s more painful that way, too.”

“You’ve got a point,” Sayuri had huffed. “If anything, I’ll be here for moral support.”

She casted you a quick look over her shoulders from the sink where she graciously offered to wash the dishes from breakfast, and your pursed lips gave the tacit confirmation that it was none other than Tsugumi on the phone. One quick sigh later, you swiped the green pick-up button, activated the speaker, and answered, “Hello?”

“G’morning, (y/n)! How are you? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” you replied softly, wanting to stay calm and collected. “How are you?”

“I’m good, I was just a little worried since you said you were tired so early last night. It’s not like you to sleep before 11PM. Did anything happen?”

You discretely scoffed to yourself, hoping that Tsugumi hadn’t caught it. Sayuri rolled her eyes in such a dramatic fashion that you almost burst out laughing.

“Nothing much, I just had a really long day and felt kinda tired.”

“Well, I feel better now hearing that you’re okay. I’m glad you weren’t sick or anything. Did you get a good sleep last night then?”

“It was good, yeah.” But no thanks to you.

“Well, if you’re up for it, you wanna go out today? It’s the weekend and I have some free time before I need to start studying for our next round of exams. Did you want to check out that bookstore on the other side of the city? Or the Ghibli museum over in Mitaka?

“Ito-san, can you do something for me?”

“…sure, what is it?”

You quickly took a deep breath. This was it; this was the start of the discerption.

“Can you tell me why you’re cheating on your girlfriend of three years who clearly has no idea of what you’re up to?”

The chilling silence that resonated throughout the apartment sent shivers down your spine. Sayuri had long finished up washing and drying, and the only sound that was registering was the chirping of birds outside your window. Even then, it was faint at best, and you briefly wondered if Tsugumi had just hung up on you. But an electric rustle and a static sigh convinced you otherwise, and Sayuri’s expression morphed into one that simply signaled, “Get ready for the bullshit.”

“…so you found out then?”

“You didn’t exactly try very hard to hide it,” you quipped while crossing your arms.

“I know, I just…when did you find out? And how?”

“Last night, and how doesn’t matter.”

“But—”

“Why are you doing this? I know social media usually isn’t much to base personality on, but she seems pretty nice and definitely doesn’t deserve to have a boyfriend who’s been sleeping with other girls for the majority of the last eighteen months.”

“You don’t know anything!” He quickly defended himself, but not elaborating any further. “It’s just really complicated…and she’s not what she seems.”

“Okay, so let’s say she isn’t. If it’s been so bad dating her…why haven’t you broken up?”

“We never…got around to it, I guess?” His voice came out sheepish. At least the guy felt some shame in his actions.

“You’re ridiculous. Did you really think you were going to get away with this forever? Like what if I hadn’t found out?” You almost seemed desperate to know the workings of his conscience, simply because no matter what his explanation was, it would most definitely confound you. Were you being too simple-minded?

“I swear I was going to break up with her! I really wanted to – you made me want to finally talk to her and just end things –” This time, you made sure Tsugumi heard your scoff of disbelief. “—and I promise, it was going to end eventually, and I was going to seriously ask you out. I know you don’t believe me, but I’m serious.”

“Ito-san…if you did break up with her, would you have told me about it later on?”

“…no, I wouldn’t have.”

At the end of the day, his honest and unfortunate answer resolved all your doubts.

“I figured as much. At least you were honest with me about it and didn’t bother lying to say you would have.”

“I’m really sorry, I really didn’t mean to hurt you this much. You’re such a nice girl, (y/n), seriously. I’m so sorry and I don’t…deserve a second chance, but could we still be friends?”

“You didn’t hurt me,” you snapped at him. “I was more worried about how much you’re hurting your girlfriend.”

“…oh.”

“Yeah, and while you probably caught on that my self-esteem isn’t exactly the highest, I know that I don’t deserve to be lied to and strung along for the ride or for whatever game you’re playing yourself against.”

“That wasn’t what I—”

“You know what? Fuck being your friend, too,” you bit out, your anger getting the best of you again. “Nobody likes being friends with liars, and I’m not about to change that for myself, much less change that for you. Maybe in like, 40 years when we’ve all moved on with our lives and you’ve become a better person, but if you’re asking to be my friend now after everything you’ve done, that’s a firm no.”

“But please—”

“You need to fix this shit. Do you realize that I met your mom? And I could see it in her eyes – she knew exactly what you were doing, right? She knew you were still dating someone else, but you wanted me to see her for some sick, twisted reason. I’m telling you; I could see it in her face, and you know what it said? She pitied me, Ito-san. I’m sure she’s a nice person, but I bet 10 to 1 that the croissant she gave me was out of guilt, because clearly, I had no idea what was happening. You can’t tell me that I’m wrong, can you?”

“Oh god,” he muttered, and you almost hadn’t heard him with the blood boiling in your ears. “Yeah, she was actually really pissed. Lectured me for a whole hour over the phone that night, told me she didn’t raise me to be a cheater and stuff.”

“Well, I’m not going to repeat it. But whatever else she probably said, I agree with her. Get your shit together, honestly. It’ll do you some good,” you stated resolutely.

“We really can’t be friends?”

“No. But…look, if you’re in some sort of really toxic relationship with this girl, you can tell me, okay?” You ignored the incredulous look on Sayuri’s face, taciturnly promising that you’ll explain yourself after the call when she starts making large X’s with her forearms and mouthing, “Hang up!!”

“I’m not saying it’s okay to be friends – I’m just saying that if you’re struggling with something and need someone to talk to, you can…talk to me. But only if I’m your last resort. I know you have other good friends, so you can’t use this as an excuse to try and get close with me again. It’s not gonna work.”

“…Mom was right, you know? You really are too good for me, too nice.”

“I don’t know about that, but maybe she’s onto something. Don’t make me regret it.”

“I won’t. Thank you, and again, I’m really sorry. I’m so sorry, (y/n). You didn’t deserve this.”

“Your apology’s accepted, but you’re not forgiven. Remember what I said: do what you can to fix it now before it all comes crashing down on you.”

“Okay. Then this is goodbye?”

“More of an extremely prolonged ‘see you later’, Ito-san. Take care of yourself.”

“You too. Bye then – I’m sorry.”

“Bye, Ito-san.”

And before the boy received another second to delay the inevitable, you somewhat aggressively tapped on the bright red hang up button. Immediately, your shoulders slumped and fell back into your seat, a breath escaping your lungs as if you had been underwater for the entire duration of the call. Your eyes focused on the chipped paint of your ceiling, vision blurring as you begin to think back on the phone call. Was there anything you could have done differently? Had you been too soft on Tsugumi by giving him permission to contact you as a last resort?

“Yes, you pulled a ludicrous move, if that’s what you’re asking yourself,” Sayuri commented, her own arms crossed in front of her chest. Sometimes, she knew you a little too well.

“I was just trying to be nice,” you half-groaned and half-whined, bending back forward to bury your head in your hands.

“Well, what’s done is done, you can’t take it back now,” Sayuri said defeatedly, coming towards you to pull you into a hug. “If he’s smart and can take a hint, he’ll stay away.”

You returned her embrace as best as you could. The Band-aid was off now, wound exposed to the open air, but you knew it would eventually heal. The only remnants of it would exist as faint memories, the pain fleeting at best.

“I think we should tell the girlfriend,” you suggested to Sayuri. Tsugumi would probably end up extremely furious with you, but not only did you owe him utterly nothing, he never said you couldn’t say anything to her either. So with Sayuri’s Twitter account, an elaborate explanation, a link to a folder on Google Drive with screenshots of your text conversations both on and off Tinder (the ones that you’d have to be in a deep state of denial to think were untrue or simply taken out of context), you completed the task that no person would ever want to accomplish in their lives. As heart-wrenching and torturous it would inevitably be, Tsugumi’s girlfriend deserved the truth and the ability to take matters into her own hands. Had your positions been switched, you would’ve liked for her to do the same.

Hours later in the living room, you made the executive decision to delete your profile and uninstall Tinder from your phone. While Tsugumi might have been an odd, terrible, slightly harrowing experience in trying to start a relationship with someone, perhaps you weren’t ready for one either. You needed to wait until you were more confident, bolder, and had things locked down in your future. For now, any efforts toward desiring and developing a serious romantic relationship would be redirected to your academics and career. That stability had to come first in advance of your emotional needs.

When you expressed this to Sayuri, she gave you a look that seemed somewhat disapproving. Instantly, you began to curl in on yourself, doubt coiling around your heart. “Do you think I’m…overreacting?”

Sayuri shook her head as a small smile graced her complexion. “I can’t dictate how you feel, and if I were in your position, I’d probably be thinking the same thing.” Her eyes softened as she drew up her knees to her chest. “But you know what I said when we first started all this: I don’t want you to give up just yet. What if there’s a really great guy that comes along but you’re still trying to focus on your career? Are you gonna deny yourself and make it a missed opportunity?”

“I don’t know,” you muttered, feeling troubled now. “I guess…he’d have to really be amazing for me to even consider it, you know? But who knows, I’d probably do something reckless and end up hurting myself again.”

Sayuri could tell that your anxiety was beginning to get the best of you, the doubts and insecurity once again plaguing the blood in your veins. This conversation had to be postponed for later – because now, your recovery was of utmost importance.

“You know what you need now that you’ve sworn off men for the next few years?” Sayuri started, her tone unexpectedly filled with mirth and suggestive insinuations. The Cheshire grin spelled trouble to you, and you were becoming afraid at what the answer was. Shakily, you humored her, “What would that be?”

Sayuri denied you an immediate answer as she abruptly bounced up from the floor, scuttling off to your room before returning with your laptop. Her fingers quickly pried it open, excitement rolling off her in bright ripples as she gestured for you to type in your password. As soon as you unlocked the device, she snatched it away and took over the keyboard. You warily eyed the screen as she pulled up an incognito window and typed in the website to Amazon.

“What are you doing??”

“Okay, (y/n), tell me. Do you know why sex toys were invented?”

Immediately, you wanted to melt into the ground. Not out of embarrassment per say, as you’ve had open conversations about sex and related topics with Sayuri multiple times, but if you were going to be truthful, this definitely wasn’t the first time she was trying to get you to buy a sex toy or two for yourself. There was no way you made it almost twenty-one years of life without having masturbated before, and you were okay with just your fingers now (and occasionally, your detachable showerhead).

“They were invented because people want to feel good. Do you know how many people on this earth have dicks and can’t figure out how to use them well, but still think they’re a gift to the world? I bet the majority of them couldn’t definitively tell you where the clit is, and I bet even more still think that girls pee out of their vagina. And you know what? Everyone deserves a partner who will take the time to figure out what makes them feel good, especially those with a vagina. Best way to do that is to find out yourself and see what works for you.”

“But I’m fine with what I do now!”

“Just please trust me on this one, okay?? Get a vibrator at least, please?? If you hate it, I’ll treat you to dinner for a week!”

You waved her off. “You don’t need to do that, but you just need to promise you’ll stop trying to talk me into buying more sex toys.”

“Deal. But I really doubt that’s gonna happen,” she sang, typing in a couple of words into the search bar. “I’ll buy it this time.”

“Hey—”

“Consider it an early birthday present! If you want to pay me back so badly, buy me our next couple rounds of curry don and we’ll call it even.”

“I can’t fight you on this, can I?” You asked dejectedly, accepting defeat and waving a white flag.

“Nope!” Sayuri exclaimed, absolutely no shame whatsoever in her voice. Instead, she sounds entirely elated that you have very little say in this, but in her defense, you weren’t exactly protesting. “Here we go – and we get that sweet, sweet Prime shipping. Yes, I know what you want to say—” Sayuri interjected when you opened your mouth with an objection. “Jeff Bezos is a terrible man who’s providing a good service but should distribute his wealth better, but I’m still on that free student trial? I know I’m already going to hell, but I’ll make up for it in the next life!”

There was never a way to stop Sayuri from doing what she wanted if she had her mind set, and this just happened to be one of them. A few more clicks of the touchpad and taps of the keyboard echoed throughout your apartment before Sayuri shut your laptop closed. You didn’t need to hear her confirmation that the deed was done, given the vicarious excitement stretched across your best friend’s face.

At the end of the day, this was Sayuri’s way of trying to comfort you, reminding you that she always had your best interests at heart. Your heart brimmed to the edge with sentiment and gratitude, causing your own giddy laugh to spill from your lips.

Life seemed to resume its regular routine afterwards, as mundane as it can be for a university student. Sayuri had you tag along on her shoots again, then you would return home to finish up some assignments and get your readings done, the lingering smell of dinner wafting around in the kitchen as you scrubbed a pan clean – truly, the only thing that seemed to be missing was Tsugumi’s incessant phone calls. But you had neither the energy nor the apathy to long for them – and Sayuri was right. If he was smart, he would know better than to ever contact you again.

You hoped for all your sakes that he would learn to rewire his brain and think rationally.

Present

It takes you a few seconds to register the rapid knocks against your apartment door, the rapping of knuckles against hardwood reverberating with a sense of urgency. Part of you expected this sooner or later, but you are in no condition to face the person on the other side. The rhythm shifts as the beating of the wood begins to sound more solid, signifying that the visitor is now choosing to lightly bang their fists instead of calloused knuckles.

Please leave, you weakly scream in your mind, eyes screwing shut to combat the oncoming tears. Your figure begins to crumple even more against the rail of your balcony. You can’t see me like this, so please go.

“(Y/n), I know you’re in there,” a deep male’s voice permeates through the wood, though muffled and scratchy. “Please, let me talk to you. I’m sorry, I—” He pauses, a groan of frustration escaping his throat. Your vision refuses to refocus, bleary as you weakly take in your view of Tokyo again. Without a doubt, the man must be ruffling his hair frustratedly, distressed and discouraged.

“I shouldn’t have said that. Please let me in and apologize properly – I owe you that much.”

You owe me nothing, silly. It’s my fault.

Eyes the shade of the earth in the billboard observe you, and you wonder: if seen in person, would they have stared with pity?

It’s time to stop running away.

So with sluggish steps, you make your way to the only barrier barring you from your fate. The two deadbolts slide back and click in place, echoing louder than ever. Your hand trembles in its path to the doorknob, faintly grasping the chilling metal and turning it until the latch pulls back far enough to let the door open.

And there they were, the eyes that held the key to your undoing, that had watched you crumble and fall, that had looked after you in more ways than you could imagine, peering straight into yours. You know them well, perhaps too well, and your knees nearly buckle at their intensity. It takes every part of your being to stop yourself from slamming the door closed, to hide away and escape destiny.

It seems that irises in the shades of olive will be the banes of your existence.

4.5 years ago

It hadn’t taken you much to admit it, but Sayuri was undeniably forgiven for taking the initiative to buy you your first sex toys.

About a year and a half had passed since the whole Tsugumi fiasco without as much as a text from him. The virtual silence made it much easier for you to do as you planned: throw yourself into your academics, prepare yourself for your career, and simply focus on anything else but the gaping yearning for a romantic partner. In the time that flew by you, Sayuri secured her own boyfriend, a charming J1 league soccer player who complemented her well. And even though it was obvious how smitten they were with each other, Sayuri always made an effort to include you in their dinners and hang-outs, so much to the point that you felt a swirling mixture of embarrassment and guilt for how often you were third-wheeling them. You had classmates and other friends to hang out with occasionally, and you weren’t one to always feel the need to be with others. You could handle (and frequently chose) self-isolation to refuel on social reserves – it was abandonment that scared you most.

As per usual for many business majors, you spent a semester overseas to broaden your horizons, basing yourself out of a city in Germany and tagging along with the other exchange students around Europe. New traditions and customs were learned, museums and historical structures explored – though one thing you hadn’t expected to return with was a new portion of your brain designated for the nuances of alcohol. Something that you hadn’t meant to care for in the past now existed as a part of your business identity; you needed to know the different wine glasses, the different brands of whisky, how to choose your drink wisely, which drinks are acceptable depending on the situation. If you wanted people to take you seriously in a world that prevented women from touching the sky, you needed to pocket the things that others would normally take for granted.

Part of you believed you were a better version of your past self at Shiratorizawa – while you were busier than ever, your time management skills had improved. That wasn’t to say that procrastination was no longer your best friend; it had leveled down to just a really good friend. You still possessed many of the bad habits in picking up unnecessary projects right before big assignments were due, putting a little too much on your plate, and working yourself to the bone to get everything done on time. The slight improvement existed in the form of less time spent on them, and you embraced this small progress.

And for many months, life existed on that continuum: Sayuri, friends, family, academics, and career.

That was until you received a seemingly innocuous text from Semi Eita.

A text from Eita was not abnormal in any way – as you had mentioned to Sayuri previously, the two of you had kept in contact over the last few years and remained friends. The text that appeared on your phone on a Tuesday night caused a grin to split your face, and all thoughts of indulging in some “me-time” were instantly discarded as you read his message.

[“I’m planning on visiting Tokyo this weekend and checking out a couple of things for the band. Are you free to hang out?”]

To your surprise, you hadn’t run into many of your classmates from Shiratorizawa, not that you ever tried, perhaps. So that might’ve been on you, but somehow it was much easier to stay in touch with your volleyball boys, despite their shortcomings in reaching for Nationals. You rarely visited Miyagi, and even if you were in the area, it was during New Year’s when everyone would be with their families. Without the heart to pull them away from filial time and duties, updates on your boys came mainly from 4 different group chats and the occasional video calls. Eita asking if you were available to hang out was a chance for a breather that you didn’t realize you needed.

With the adrenaline and exhilaration pumping through your veins, you tapped a response that probably seemed too enthusiastic to be you: too many exclamation marks and too many offers.

[“you caught me at a good time!!! i have a couple of days off before i need to start on my next project. it’d be fun to show you around!! and depending on how long you plan on being here, you’re more than welcome to stay in my apt!!! i’ve got an air mattress and a futon, whichever you’d prefer!!”

“Actually, that’d be really nice. Are you sure it’s not a bother?”

“of course not, semi semi!!”

“I never should’ve told you that you saying that ridiculous nickname isn’t nearly as annoying as when Satori says it 🙃🙃. But if it really doesn’t bother you, I might take you up on that offer then. Going to and coming back from Tokyo in one day is too much, and I was starting to look at cheap inns. This way, we’d have more time to catch up and hang out.”

“honestly, stay as long as you need to!!! like i said, my whole weekend is free :). there’s a cute little place nearby that serves great tekka maki!! i’m also not too shabby at making it either.”

“My favorite food homemade? Satori would be really jealous. And probably Shibaru. I can’t wait to rub it in their faces.”

“i’ll send you the name of the station closest to me, and then i can pick you up!!! actually, just send me your itinerary when you figure it out so i can plan.”

“Once a manager, always a manager. Will do.”

“looking forward to it, semi semi!!”

“Me too.”]

Still riding the high, you keyboard-smashed a text to Sayuri, explaining what had just transpired and how excited you were to see an old friend. At first, she was just as happy for you, until she caught on to who exactly was coming to visit, and immediately sent an “OH SHIT” text, followed by a number of sexually suggestive emojis. She didn’t have to be there to know your cheeks were now thoroughly flushed – in fact, you had been trying to forget the fact that Eita was someone you were trusting your first time to have sex with, and you refused to trip yourself silly to make it possibly happen. Last you remember, Eita had dated a girl for a small period of time, but that was about a year and a half ago and there hadn’t been much word from him about it.

The next few days passed in a blur – as promised, Eita had sent you his general itinerary, and while he was a working man with a band as a side gig, train tickets from Miyagi to Tokyo weren’t exactly cheap. Knowing him, he would attempt to take opportunities to pay you back for your hospitality, and you were going to make sure that this wouldn’t happen. At least, not very often. You made a rough schedule around his own that included lots of down time, if there was somewhere he wanted to go visit himself, time for you to make meals for the both of you, one or two movie nights depending on how long he would stay, and more.

The task was almost overwhelmingly nostalgic, that instead of sitting hunched over at your desk in Tokyo, you were back home in your dorm at Shiratorizawa arranging their schedules in preparation for Nationals. This realization of yours came in the very early Thursday morning, but as you began to recall more and more of your time there, you abruptly stood from your chair and shook your head. Not long after, you burrowed yourself under the sheets, phone playing your sleep-inducing playlist on the nightstand as you desperately willed yourself to rest and retreat to the dream world for at least an hour or two.

Then Friday arrived, and before you knew it, you were standing at the designated train station, bouncing excitedly in the arrivals section. You were excessively tipping your toes to look over the others also waiting. But amongst the incoming crowd, you easily spotted Eita’s signature hair color, the familiar hue of ash blond filling you with adoration, and as soon as he was over the dividers, you couldn’t bother containing yourself and bounded over towards him. With a duffel bag slung on his shoulder, phone in hand, dark skinny jeans, a casual pale blue button-down with the sleeves rolled up[GU1] , his reflexes were quick enough to recognize the human bundle of joy sprinting towards him. Eita’s best memories of you were in your Shiratorizawa uniform, so seeing you in casual streetwear threw him for a loop at first.

The earnest beam on your face could warm the iciest of glaciers, and he easily lost against the facial muscles fighting to form into his own smile. As you deftly dodged the other people in your route to him, his arms seemed to naturally fall open in a gesture that welcomed your inevitable embrace. Eita was pretty sure you squealed before jumping onto him, but his focus had to redirect to his arms so they didn’t drop you.

“Semi Semi!” You happily cried out into his ear over the hustle and bustle, arms tight around his neck as he held you close. He gave you a brief, affectionate squeeze before setting you down, causing your arms to fall. But his hands held onto your shoulders, giving you a quick once over and making his assessment. He always had a soft spot for you back in high school, knowing that it wasn’t easy managing a team of teenage boys who were ridiculously hungry and driven for a common goal. When news got around the team that you and Ushijima had broken up, he always kept an extra eye out for you and worried that you’d continue to work yourself to the bone in university.

But the girl before him seemed different: you seemed brighter, elation and happiness rolling off your body in waves. Your face was a bit thinner than it was four years ago, but perhaps the childhood features had matured over time. Additionally, you were a bit taller, though he still could easily see over your head, and overall, you looked somewhat healthier. He hoped that you were learning to relax a little more and take some more time for yourself, again very much aware of your past self-destructive habits.

Eita said nothing and ruffled your hair playfully, a snicker leaving his lips as you pouted and moved to resolve the new half-made bird’s nest. “Come on,” he chuckled, fishing out his phone to open Snapchat. “I promised Satori a selfie of us the minute I saw you.”

“Well, we can’t have him waiting, can we?” You joked back, hiding half of your figure behind Eita’s free arm and giving your best beam over his shoulder. Eita gave his best half-smirk, half-smile, knowing that Satori would absolutely eat him alive out of jealousy. He took one and let you take a closer peek, but before he could send it with your approval, you reached over and swiped to see what filters could be used. To make it easier, Eita just handed over his phone and watched you add silly stickers, his eyes resuming his assessment of you again. But it didn’t take long until you were handing him back his phone, giggling as he took in your newly formed masterpiece and scoffed while hitting the send button.

“Come on, manager,” he sighed, slinging an arm over your shoulders as the two of you made your way to the exit doors. It took very little effort to drag you with him, not that you were complaining. “What’s the plan?”

“One second!” You exclaimed and tapped through your phone, pulling up the picture of the schedule you’ve made. “Oh, yes! Okay, how heavy is your stuff? Do you mind walking around with it?”

“It’s not much, just clothes and toiletries.”

“Perfect, I was really counting on you being a sufficient packer just like back then. We’re gonna make a detour on the way home – I need to get some groceries for dinner but there’s also this takoyaki stand near there that you just have to try! It’ll change your life, I promise.”

“Can I change my mind and say I want to go home first?” He asked jokingly, but that didn’t stop the narrowing of your eyes.

“You’re just saying that so you can throw our schedule off and make me suffer!” You accused when you spotted the devious smirk on his face, the kind he’d put up in the past sometimes when the ball landed just where he wanted it during a pinch serve. “Fuck you,” you cursed but with no malice at all, instead laughing at his antics. “I will leave you here alone right now and you’ll have to find somewhere else to stay for the night. Let’s see how well you do.”

“There’s this really powerful thing now called a cellphone, and it’s got this wonderful little app that can pull up the map of the world. Have you heard of it? It’s called Maps—”

“You’re insufferable,” you said as you shook your head and made a futile attempt to push him away from you. Eita either kept up with part of his exercise regimen or miraculously retained most of the muscle mass he gained in high school because the flesh at his waist refused to give in when you pressed firmly against it. All he had to do was tighten his arm a little bit to get you stuck against his side, and you knew you had lost for now.

“You lie, manager. Admit it, I was your favorite,” he teased.

“Have you always been this cocky? Just because you have a few people screaming your name during a gig doesn’t mean everyone wants you now,” you huffed.

“Doesn’t mean I wasn’t your favorite.”

“You’re wrong – Wakatoshi was my favorite.”

“Even after the breakup?”

“No doubt,” you replied with no hesitation.

“I still think you’re lying.”

“Whatever floats your boat, Eita-kun,” you chuckled, feeling quite comfortable under the hold of his arm. “Walk faster, I need to get the good produce at the store before it’s all snatched away.”

“Hey, I’m the one accommodating your tiny steps.”

“Take that back!”

Being with Eita was easy, to say the least. Old friends could fall in line together easily, and there was little to no awkwardness during interactions. He flitted around your apartment like he’d been living there for the past few years, and very few topics were off the table for conversation. You had become more open, a little livelier, he realized. If anything, his previous assumption of your current mental state was getting confirmed over and over by the minute – you were happier, a little more relaxed than how you were during the last year of high school.

As much as Wakatoshi was a good friend, based on Satori’s slip-up of what had happened, he wished you had been let down easier. It was more than a miracle that you hadn’t run away from them, but you were more guarded, putting up nothing more than a gentle, amiable smile most days. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen you genuinely laugh at their antics during practice. Yet you were here now, sitting next to him on your couch and almost full-out cackling at some ridiculous anecdote of his about his roommate freshman year. Maybe your giddiness was amplified by the shot of sake you took just fifteen minutes ago, but that, yet again, didn’t stop him from understanding that things have changed a lot in the last four years.

He likes this current you, somewhat new and improved. More relaxed, more open, more easy-going…this was good.

“So are you still talking to that girl from a couple years ago? What was her name,” you muttered and started snapping your fingers to get the ball rolling in your alcohol-muddled brain. “Oh! Her name was—”

“—Yui?”

“Yes!” You giggled, leaning back against the couch and sipping from your third shot of sake of the night. “I remember she was cute, sad that I never got to properly meet her.”

“It’s okay,” he smiled. “Yui and I were more casual anyways. She ended up moving when she got a new job and we’d be long distance, so we broke things off.”

“When’d that happen?”

“Mmmm, about a year and a half ago?” Eita questioned himself, a little unsure of the exact timeline. “Yeah, sounds about right,” he confirmed and leaned over to the coffee table to pour himself some more sake.

“That’s been a long time then,” you sighed. “Anybody else since?”

“Nope. Things got busy afterwards with the national exams and putting the band together, so I just never really thought about it. But what about you?” Eita asked curiously – had you moved on since your break-up with Wakatoshi?

At first, you hummed to yourself, eyebrows furrowed in a manner that suggested you were struggling to find the right words. But then your face relaxed and morphed into a mix of mischief and embarrassment, small laughs spilling from your lips and he was wondering if he needed to start worrying.

“I did see a guy a couple of years ago,” you began while staring into your cup, avoiding Eita’s gaze. “You wanna know how I met him?”

“How?”

“I…okay wait, do you promise not to judge me?” You somewhat slurred and held out a pinky as a gesture for him to fulfill a promise. He nodded and linked his pinky with your own, interlocking then twisting so you two could stamp thumbs.

“Good, so the answer to your question is…yes, I met a guy. On Tinder.”

Eita wasn’t expecting that last fragmented sentence to come from you of all people and had been mid-sip during your revelation. It was a miracle that he didn’t spit out the alcohol all over your couch, but he choked and had to pound his chest a couple of times as the sake went straight for his lungs.

“Don’t judge me!” You whined, shoving him from the side as he waved off your accusation. A full pout formed on your face and you looked genuinely upset.

“I’m not judging, I swear,” Eita ensured over haggard coughs. “I just didn’t expect that – I thought you were gonna tell me you met this guy at some random place on campus.”

“Once you know the whole story, you’ll be glad he doesn’t go to my uni,” you scoffed before downing the rest of your cup. Eita watched you wince and fight the pleasant burn down your throat, preparing for the possible train wreck of a story you insinuated.

You laid it all out for him, from the very beginning to when Sayuri first got you to download the app up until the last phone call you had with Tsugumi. Eita listened attentively, grimacing, laughing, and frowning at all the right moments. He watched you struggle to verbalize the anger you had felt, the frustration from even being angry to begin with, and by the time you were done, you were exhausted. You simply stared back at him with a lazy, tipsy smile that contrasted all the defeat in your bones and attempted to hide your efforts in pretending that you had completely moved on. Eita could tell, though, that that was unfortunately not the case. The pain had lingered, and you were never going to forget…or forgive yourself.

He released a heavy sigh, placing his empty cup gently on your coffee table and grabbing yours from your fingers as well. Once both were away from the possibility of being spilt, he reached out a hand to you, wiggling his fingers as a tacit gesture for you to grab them. Whether your fingers had trembled from the excess resentment or some personal effect from the sake, the second your fingers interlocked, your eyes began to water. At this sight, Eita quickly pulled you to him with a strength you had forgotten he possessed, repositioning your bodies until he was leaned against the back cushion with your side cuddled into his frame – your knees bent and feet on the other side of his thighs – and one arm wrapped around your shoulders with a free hand intwined with one of yours in your lap.

Part of him had expected you to completely break down and bawl, but instead you released silent tears, occasionally sniffling and wiping them away with your free hand. He murmured words of encouragement into your hair, just loud enough to not startle you but to remind you that he was there. Eita instantly regretted not keeping in touch more, even if Sayuri kept a close and endearing watch over your well-being. But you were engaging in an old habit of yours, the one where you’d put up a strong front to not give anyone a reason to worry, that you could handle things on your own.

Maybe he was feeling a bit lonely as well. The alcohol running through both his and your veins certainly wasn’t there to aid in any good decision-making, and the two combined with your own emotions, he wasn’t exactly sure what he was going for when he gazed down at you, waiting for you to look back up at him.

Your eyes were surely bloodshot by this time, and you could feel the tears slowly dry and crust between your eyelashes. Eita’s heavy, pointed scrutiny willed you to look back at him. Even with your slightly blurred vision and sake-addled brain, you failed to miss the way his eyes flickered down to where your lips were. Naturally, you glanced at his own with alarms softly sounding in your brain. This wasn’t a good idea, but you were two slightly lonely adults and if he wanted to…

Perhaps Eita had become a mind-reader over the last four years. Your heart rate skyrocketed as he leaned down at a snail’s pace, leaving you more than ample time to prevent this moment from ever happening. But it was undeniable that part of you wanted this, that at some time during senior year, you had briefly envisioned a few times what it would be like to kiss the setter.

Just once, to feed curiosity’s sake, to unveil the unknown.

Eita’s weakly parted lips were still, frozen when they gently met yours with the slightest bit of pressure. His shaky breaths faintly tickled your skin and you caught the whiffs of sake and something minty, the scent slowly intoxicating you. Something sparked in your veins, a slow tingle crawling up from the base of your spine, and you nearly shivered. A fragment of your brain registered the tightening of his hand in yours, a tacit and telling gesture of, “It’s okay. It’s up to you.”

You could resolve this in the morning.

You took the plunge, lips slowly moving against his to signal your tentative approval. Eita’s lips were as soft as rose petals, so tender against yours that reminded you of the full moon on a clear night sky. At every step, at every change, he soundlessly requested permission, whether it be with a cautious nudge of your nose with his or a squeeze of your fingers, and you granted the shift in angles, the slow repositioning for a position more comfortable. It hadn’t taken long for Eita to lose himself in you, wrapped up in this new, uncharted territory that you guided him through. He was more than satisfied with just kissing you, now hesitantly straddling his figure, at a comfortable, languid pace with his hands cradling your cheeks.

At some point, your hands had traveled to wound behind his neck, fingers lightly grasping the ash blond strands at the nape of his neck. When you subconsciously tightened your grip on them, Eita sharply inhaled, applying more pressure against your lips and causing you to lean back somewhat from the new force. He searched for stability by trailing his hands down to your waist, his hold tender yet unshakeable. Eita wasn’t planning on going any further, not when you weren’t completely sober to make a choice like that, but that didn’t stop him from scattering light kisses on your cheeks and jaw. Clearly, the alcohol had lowered some of his inhibitions, but not enough as his lips lingered over the span of your neck – his desire to mark your skin, to paint it with hickeys and signs of affection, would only unleash something darker inside of him, something that you weren’t quite ready for yet. Your heady breaths echoed in his ears and he felt you shake with temptation, your head subtly lolling to the side to allow him more room as a tacit gesture of consent.

Just one, he berated himself. Just one.

His nose ghosted over the skin from your jaw to your collarbone, catching the faint scent of what he assumed to be a mix of your body wash and natural scent. His senses found it comforting, grounding, and reminded him just how precious you were to him. You weren’t just a random girl at the bar he thought would be temporarily nice to make out with – you were (y/n), the girl who had watched over him and encouraged him during some of his most difficult times with a sport that was once his life, the manager who cared for him and his teammates to be nothing but their best, the person who the boys would unwittingly go to war for if anyone were to bring you trouble.

So he made that known, kissing the joint between your neck and shoulder, and reveled in the breathy gasp that escaped your throat. Little by little, he applied more pressure, preparing you for what he was about to do. His lips softly sucked on the skin, just enough so his teeth could graze it and nibble. Your hands were now fully entangled in the strands of his air, and as they tightened, Eita became more forceful and meaningful. You were entering a faint haze of ecstasy as he worked that one spot, determined to break the capillaries beneath your unmarked flesh and let the inevitable bruising bloom. He knew how beautiful you would look when he was done, and if he had your permission to, what a sight you would be with more littered on the rest of your body.

When he pulled back and deemed his work sufficient, he placed one last kiss on top of it before gazing back at you. Your eyes were half-lidded and hazy, traces of lust pouring into them as you struggled to even your breath. You knew in your bones that Eita was too much of a gentleman to go any further than this, and you were incredibly grateful. If something was going to happen between the two of you, you wanted to make sure that both of you were undoubtedly sober and fully aware of the decisions made.

Eita leaned his forehead against yours, stealing a few chaste kisses and rubbing his nose affectionately against your own. When he felt you were calm, steady, he made sure your legs were wound tight around his waist before standing from the couch with ease, arms holding you securely to his chest. His feet carried the two of you to your bathroom, placing you on the little counter space by your sink before unraveling your limbs from his figure.

Quietly, he handed over your toothbrush and squeezed out a small dollop of toothpaste onto it, repeating the actions with his own. The both of you tiredly brushed your teeth, somewhat thankful for the minty paste that would replace any lingering notions of the sake. But that hadn’t stopped you from staring at each other during the motions, only breaking the silence when foam escaped his lips and you couldn’t help but let out a tiny snicker. To which he only rolled his eyes dramatically, yet quickly held your gaze again as his own was filled with amusement and mirth, much akin to the look he had given you when you picked him up at the station earlier.

Minutes later, you two were tucked in your bed, facing each other in the dark. Eita tentatively searched for one of your hands, weaving them together once he completed this small quest of his. Little needed to be said as your blinks began to take on a slower pace, sometimes staying shut for a second or two before snapping back open. Your grip was loosening in his, but he felt he knew why you kept trying to get a good look at him, why you were unwilling to let sleep overtake you.

“Turn around,” he whispered. Too tired to question or fight back, you did as you were told, waiting with bated breath. Not long after you had done so, you felt the mattress closer to you divot just a bit more as an arm carefully snuck around your waist. You lifted your neck a bit to move your hair towards the side you faced so that Eita’s breathing wouldn’t be quite as obstructed, and he thanked you for the thoughtful action with a chaste press of his lips against your shoulder. The two of you adjusted slightly to ensure the position was equally comfortable.

Eita felt you considerably relax, almost falling back into his hold. His arm around your waist spoke volumes to you and part of him knew, part of him wanted to assure you that—

“I’ll be here in the morning,” he promised.

Because Eita knew that perhaps, you two needed to be reminded that you both weren’t alone, that there were people out there who desired both you and him; that the loneliness was just a blip in the timeline, and that eventually, your needs to be loved and appreciated wholeheartedly would be fulfilled someday by others than each other. You two could be good together, but the circumstances and other factors weren’t perfect. Maybe in another lifetime, Eita thought to himself.

And just as he suspected, that promise was all you needed to peacefully succumb to the dreamworld, with him following soon after.

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wildwoods1 · 3 years

Text

Honoring the Sadhus who volunteered to be photographed and painted as a gift toward our Consciousness.

BLUE RAY: LEVEL 1 He was from another century, loincloth, and all. He appeared in the meditation as if Allen had slipped, tumbling from the stillness on his own. He did no such thing. This visitor was seeking him out and interrupting. It was important. It was LifeChanging. It was Blue, iridescent beams of Royal/Pthalo light filled the room!

“Dear Heart,” uncharacteristically, he addressed Allen with deep affection as well as respect. “I am here to bring you news of your unfoldment. I shall begin with our overall subject first. You are Blue Ray, this you know. You are also, however, a unique variety. You are Level 1.” Allen looked puzzled. He started to protest such a proclamation. The Sadhu continued “There are very few Blue Ray Level 1s, it is a rare type and one of the highest vibrations capable of incarnation in these dimensions as human.” Allen tugged at his beard, looked around the dim room now shy of light since the sun had just set. What was happening? What was he supposed to do with this information. He took a breath and looked back at the man sitting in front of him in mid-air, beaming from ear to ear, and saying “It is joyous, is it not?!” Before Allen could utter a word his new companion revved up once again to tackle the challenge at hand. “Rare, very rare! You see, if there are too many level 1 Blues on planet at the same time it will create a severe imbalance for the human population. The Stronger humans who are most likely to reach further in their Spiritual Journey could choose not to bother as much because they can now sense there may be no need; there are already more Blue 1s and the effort is not required! Psychological diminishment! Tsk tsk,” he shook his head, “we simply cannot have this. There are other reasons, to be sure. For now, let me say that there are many reasons for you to deny this possibility. I understand. You are concerned that you could not in any way be qualified! Yes?! “YES!” Allen blurted out as the panic began a slow rise from the pit of his stomach. “Most assuredly and unequivocally YES!!!! ….Oh God, yes!” he ended in a whisper. “Now, now, my son, you are in good hands. Truly, you have nothing to fear at all. While I may not seem to be much by human standards…. I am more than capable of your protection under any circumstance.” Allen stopped wiping his face and looked up. The man….the being, well, he was glowing softly, brilliantly. His voice, when next it crossed those few feet between felt like a silk cape with shearling collar around him and even though it was ‘only’ energy, it was the most comforting thing he had ever felt in his life. “Calm, my son. Allow me to continue.” “Blue Ray ones have a similar foundation but are all different. They carry a wide range of expressions. But what they carry in common is a unique assignment, each one to his own. They are highly sensitive, tend to withdraw from others and even though it is an uncomfortable life, they are ever-loving, with hints of purity, high creativity and a rather delightful cosmic hint of madness! They are not meant for the life of others. They do know anger and depression, whatever befalls within the human. They are here to serve in ways others are not. For example, while everyone is focused now on reaching into deeper work and connections, Blue Ray 1s are based in deeper connection, not merely developing the capacity but their very presence, along with others, helps create the depth itself. They tend to take on some of the more severe clearings of the collective and most will have difficult burdens from which to rise. Their sensitivities can be deceptive! They may have scars that make the immediate recognition of them quite difficult. You assumed you could not be such a being because you do not see yourself as this level of ability/capacity/mastery! This is truth.” “Yes, it definitely is!” Allen, not wishing to be rude, held back his auto-pilot protests. “That is because you have not been awakened. I see how humans regard this notion of being awakened: it is the means by which they become aware of the Ascension Process. Blue Ray 1s were born to Ascension process, yet, and I say this with caution and no care to inflate any assumptions, have been kept in a semi-stasis until time for the individual’s particular manner of extensive awakening. In order to qualify, you must complete much your personal clearing and then reset the extra

burdens you also carried. You will no longer “carry for the tribe.” (taking on some of the collective work directly) This must happen prior to certain self-revelations. Once completed, you will be introduced to your deeper skills and capacities, en toto.” “In your case, you are older, one of the very first. You were sent earlier than the Indigos to help clear/stabilize, and, should, if all goes well, have the blessing of being part of the Collective Rising. It will be harder for you, but you can do this. You can awaken in a way you feel inside of you yet never believed would actuate itself. At least not here….now….as this you!” “I will give you are few days to mull this over. And if you doubt this, well, what harm could it do to simply look for both me and the possibilities in the event something occurs that seems to overwhelm? We will be with, I assure you!” “Dear Allen, yours has not been an easy path. You are who you are and because of many factors, you never quite found purchase in your own power. Now you can. But give yourself this gift: know in your deep humility, your heart and soul are the breath of the planet, of this galaxy, this universe. Know that your hints of purity are being shaded from sight, your Love, which already shines bright, will rise to that of the Sun. You, my dear, beautiful Soul, along with all who follow the Light, are the templet and the gauge which the Great Ones said would come. You are not replacing the Buddha or the Christ…. however, given the depth of your true humility, you are their direct child and will soon realize with the Oneness of ALL, the fullness of them in you! We are the Oneness and in us, all Love shall shine. Because of the work of every soul, all can meet and Be Light. The Blue Ray 1s require the work of every other being to manifest their assignments. EVERYTHING IS INTERDEPENDENT. No one is of any greater status or value. So you can relax all of that foolishness thinking you are not “good enough” to fulfill such a work as this. It is yours because of that which the Source has used to accomplish the work, utterly free of ego. You are the sum of your parts and both the sum & those parts (the totality of your being) are now required. Time to collect all your bits and pieces to offer to the cause. It is as simple as that. IF any felt superior, their capacities would fade, leach out into the sand. That soul would lose their place and be replaced by another ready to fulfill the task. It would mean the result would not be the same! It would change with every adjustment the Whole is required to make. Not that those who fall would not be mourned, but the ego rulership has no place here. It cannot survive and is indicative of work left undone. But we are blessed with energy to smooth the way, as long as we accept the challenges, releasing the fears as we go, we will know the blessing of realization, Ascension. Ones know better than anyone that energy shy of the true depth required for certain projects of consciouHonoring the Sadhus who volunteered to be photographed and painted as a gift toward our Consciousness means the dream is not possible. They also know that without Infinite Joy, nothing will prosper! And that is the difference that the Blues make! The sense of All being great joy! They understand it in stillness and they know it in chaos in ways that penetrate not only the rabble, but the unspeakable center of the Pearl. They understand this and treasure it as an integral part of the depth required to meet transformation on every level of existence. It is why they can plunge into that great spring of Life and feel all the pain, rising again with a kind of interminable vigor that knows no end! That is its own joy! You, my dear being, known as Allen, and every other one of your kind, is privileged to tend the Spirit of the ones transitioning into the higher realms. You know better than most, without Joy, Light cannot be Love. So allow that to grow in you, my son. Allow Joy to lead, It will be as if your Soul has been partially holding its breath waiting for you

to come home to yourself, fearlessly and whole! It will now Breathe!! It will come forward in you in ways it has forever withheld its dearest expressions. You know now that what I am saying is not merely pretty words! They are truth. They are real---as are you! Pretty is nice. Always dive under the pretty—you know this, but I am saying that when your capacities begin to surface, never blink!!” he nearly shouted, which startled Allen. “See them all as nothing but the next step and the next. Never be impressed with what you can suddenly do— none is all you, it is all of us being through you!!! Think well on this!!! All of us through you! No ego can be heard/felt over such a din!! Imagine, the energy from much of the universe pouring through a few billion humans! And now we reach the crux of my mission today:…” The seeming man from ancient jungles of India uncrossed his legs and stood, walked around the illusion of a room and sat once again in the exact same space…different Now. “I have shifted this…you call it a Timeline? Yes, well, it is a different Now and you will learn from this place. You understand? Do you?” Allen’s mind, busy trying to run alongside the planet as she spun, looked up with a face that was understanding, then bewildered. “You are a being of many planes and dimensions. Sometimes, especially during transitions, your stability in one dimension is unreliable. I merely switched your timeline, usually adopted by consciousness, to a frequency more in harmony with your new material and the consciousness growth currently taking place. It was necessary for you to become aware of it for the information to find purchase in your psyche. To make it stick.” Allen nodded to indicate he had followed the explanation. “Let us imagine you have realized your new tasks and abilities, you are confronted with a particular challenge that requires, as you see it, immediate action before you are certain you are fully prepared to manage the work, but you have to try. Here is the process with which it will happen: you will be attuned to Universal, Divine, Holy (or whatever designation you give equivalent interpretation) of such energy. That is your connection. Then you will act according to the will of what you refer to as Highest Self dedicated to said Universal energy. This sublime Union has already taken place. The Highest Self and Universal Divine energy are already One. They have merely been waiting for you. At this point, you have been dedicating every cell and thought to this purpose. Your higher awareness practically leaks out of your cells and ears, you have light coming from your hands every moment. (he giggled) It is not a state of perfection. It is, however, sufficient to the immediate task and your thoughts have now reached a high neighborhood of expression (more often than not). It will be the Universal energy that actually accomplishes the work, of course. As with healers, you are a conduit. But now, there is greater consciousness in the Universal energy than before. It will be this which guides you even more precisely than your Guides do now. This energy is the sum total of All and it is developing such awareness as even humans can understand. It always has been this, it is simply evolving as you do! But it is Omnipresent and now grows in what you may call “both” directions”! It is easier for the lower vibrations to read some of its wisdom than it ever was before. To be a conduit of this energy, you must allow yourself to become this energy! Become, Be, Express and allow the fullness of it as you never have before. And isn’t it a gift that every time you surrender utterly to this energy, you become more of it. You evolve beyond what you were a moment ago! Is this not an extraordinary process!??? Is this not the high reaches of Joy!!!???? And by realizing the energy that passes through you is literally ALL OF US passing through you, imagine what your consciousness could do with this. There is no stopping anything now, if you are amenable. It is up to you. You may choose this version of your path, or you may

refuse. You will be given another chance, as many as it takes, though none quite as thrilling as this one. THIS Earth, this time, this now, is a unique process and it will never need repeating again. My advice, my dear, beautiful Soul, is to make the most of it while you can! It is GLORY! It is JOY! ……………….Any questions?” “What do I call you?” Allen asked a little bewildered and looking for whatever replaced his reason. “And yes—I do have a question.” He reached out to the napkin he had used earlier and once again wiped his face. Took a sip of water… a deep breath …before he looked back at the Sadhu. “The Sadhu laughed outright. You may call me Murma,” he replied with a crafty chuckle. Don’t worry about the meaning. It is nonsense. I am nonsense! Most other of the Sadhus find me outrageous!” “Thank you, Murma, thank you for a means to address you. My question”…. Allen’s voice drifted off…. “Uh, no. Well, Yes, I mean … here’s the thing: You are saying I should allow Joy to lead. But all that I have studied from teachers tends to encourage the student to release all thought, feeling, any indication of self from their contemplations, meditation, ways of thinking. They seem to consider something like Joy entirely too alluring or distracting to allow true stillness. So I don’t quite see what you want me to do.”

My dear Allen, do you know why there are Gurus and Lineages? Because each sees the Path to Realization as close to the individuals’ Soul as possible. No two people are going to have the exact same journey. It is very simple. It’s a custom job! Every step, every pause, every breath! Some will be their Soul through asceticism, some will be a beacon through the deepest love beyond the human references. Some will laugh, some will suffer beyond reason. For YOU the path is Joy. (It is not wasted distraction.) You will be, as a level 1 Blue, a being who plows the road. All of you are that. In your case, tending to the Spirits of those around you, your task is to help them sense…SENSE: that means silence, stillness, pure, focused in JOY! You do not think of Joy, you allow stillness in the silence. That is accomplished by your method to realize it. I am suggesting you find the doorway through the Heart, enter, and then release all else. Use all the discipline you feel appropriate. Then, once you have recharged and reconnected in a high frequency, realize that the way of expressing that Heart & Soul is JOY! Think of it as a cousin to Bhakti Yoga. Find your way through the disciplines. Understand? Try non-being! Work with it. The journey is accomplished through the heart to get to and release Soul from degenerating energy. Joy is an expression of Love! It will be the new fuel for the rocket!!!! It will be what powers the rocket they use to transcend conditioning and pain! They may arrive at this through Love, through Joy, Bliss, Creativity, Communication and many other endless means. But it will always be the Soul, speaking through the Heart for you! As much as you feel bonded to the intellect, you will Rise with JOY!!!!” He finished with a flourish and allowed a slight bounce of his body seated there in the air. His voice tilted upward like a bird, “UNDERSTAND???” “Yes, Murma. Allen closed his eyes as the power of these thoughts entered him like a waterfall. Sacred Water pouring in. Sacred Love pouring. Sacred pouring. It was all true and right. It was what he deeply wanted and had tried to change because he thought he was wrong, that he was not living up to the deepest, the most spiritual path! Waste, indeed! He felt the bliss as his gratitude overflowed on the return journey out/IN to the Sadhu… “I am already in you, dear Allen. I will be there and I will be here….I will be. No limits. Waste no time wondering where I am. I am ever, not where. There is no when. I AM. His voice trailed off as he dissolved from view, whispering “I am ever with you…”, the blue lights fading from the seemingly empty air of his room. Allen was in a state of shock. No thought. Nothing happening except on a very deep level, he could feel something like an origami paper bird….slowly, deceptively fast yet ever imperceptibly unfolding itself. There were no sounds, even if it seemed there should be, there was nothing to indicate anything beyond .....this. And yet…it was happening….. Now.

#Blue Ray #personal realization #Ascension Lightworker

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jabbers-wild-world · 3 years

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WARNING: Contains character backstories, may be heartbreaking and/or otherwise sad and even tragic. Read at your own risk.

Raito

Compared to the rest of his friends, Raito’s story is the least miserable. He had a fairly happy kittenhood for the most part, with perhaps the exception of his father walking out on him and his mother, and the occasional struggles here and there. Possibly the worst of his story is the injury he suffered three years ago, inflicted on him by a castle guard at the command of the Cat King.

Raito was simply standing up for his mother, for the most important cat in his life, and in his frustration and struggles to get his words out in the right way, it became a misunderstanding of a threat against the King, and one hint of agitated pacing became seen as an attempt to attack, and so the King instructed his guards to remove the dangerous youth, though it was really meant simply as a dismissal, and not an order to do real harm. However, one guard chose to interpret the instructions differently, and after removing Raito from the King’s sight, began taunting and purposefully aggravating him. Until Raito snapped and tried to hit him, and the guard got what he wanted. An excuse to cause lasting damage. So he broke Raito’s leg, and when questioned following his actions, played innocent and claimed self-defense, and that the kid was more dangerous than they’d thought.

Raito has since recovered, but his leg never truly healed properly, and occasionally he suffers some aches and pains, and there are even times where his leg will simply give out on him while running. And up until recently, he had actually kept pretty quiet and simply dealt with the stigma he now carried as an aggressive punk and a delinquent, as he just minded his own business and looked after his mother, especially after she had fallen ill shortly following the incident. But as of last year, his mother has passed away, her illness getting the better of her, and with no help from the rest of the kingdom because of her son’s unfortunate reputation. And now, after meeting Akiru, Raito is striking back against the system that he believes failed him, and his mother.

—————————

Noir

There isn’t actually much known about Noir. He just simply appeared one day, beaten and battered, and exhausted. However, due to an unfortunate misunderstanding and apparently breaking a law he had no knowledge of, he was almost immediately arrested.

He was heavily interrogated, berated for answers, but he had none. Because.. he doesn’t even remember his own story. So, inflicted with apparent amnesia, and harassed for no reason except misunderstandings and things he had no memory of, Noir did develop a bit of a negative opinion of the Royal family, and their guards, and the system they run the kingdom by.

While he was released after interrogations finally proved in vain, he still roamed the kingdom with everyone now suspicious of everything he did, and it made life difficult. Not to mention he still had no memory of where he came from, or anything about himself, except his name and that he was alone, with no family to look after him. And now, after meeting Akiru, he’s becoming less of a rogue wanderer, and more driven to take down the system than ever.

—————————

Yukito

Yukito’s story actually doesn’t have as much to do with the Cat Kingdom, and more to do with humans. However, there was some recent revelations that did trigger some negative feelings towards the Cat Kingdom and its government. But first..

He was born on the streets, among humans and their society. His mother did her best to take care of her kitten, and unfortunately his father had died shortly before he was born, due to an accident with a truck. His mother was never quite in the best of health, but she loved and cared for her little one with all her heart. Until she too was no longer with him, after illness and hunger claimed her.

Yukito would likely have died as well, if he hadn’t been found by a human woman who then pleaded with her husband to let her bring home the starving stray kitten. And she did bring him home, caring for him and helping him recover from the brink of starvation. Unfortunately, though, she too was taken by illness, and Yukito was left with only the man to look after him. And he did, if perhaps a bit more absentmindedly, and even a little dismissive of the feline. But it was with this man that Yukito developed his fascination with art and painting. The man was an artist, and was often very distracted by his work, but.. Yukito didn’t entirely mind that. He would forget about everything when he watched the man paint. It was like magic.

But.. one day, when he tried to join in with the beautiful creations the man made, tried to assist with a painting he had been working on for weeks, the man lost his temper as Yukito left paw prints and smudges across the painting. He threw the young cat off him, terrifying Yukito into a mad dash around the room, knocking over paints and canvases, and other finished works. In a matter of a few short minutes, everything had been ruined, and Yukito found himself tossed out on the streets.

Eventually, after wandering alone a while, he found his way to the Cat Kingdom, and actually managed to make somewhat of a life for himself by painting beautiful pictures for others. However, one day he overheard some conversation, that he soon learned was about his parents.. and the fact that they had been exiled from the kingdom. Exiled, and made to suffer. That was Yukito’s opinion of it, and it was his belief as well, that they had been wrongfully accused, and unjustly punished. And after meeting Akiru, he’s now doing something about it.

———————————

Akiru

Akiru was unwanted from day one. While he was the only one of his mother’s litter to survive, and that being the only reason she kept him at all, even his father looked at his son with distaste, and it stayed that way for much of his life. If he wasn’t being ignored, he was berated and criticized, and scolded for even something as uncontrollable as his appetite (which is actually significantly large).

Akiru grew up going through periods of significant weight loss and near starvation, and his own wanderings to feed himself and his voracious appetite to keep himself healthy. His parents paid him no mind, except to harass and punish him for things out of his control. Even speaking out of turn was prohibited, and worthy of his father’s violent retribution. But other than that, he was pretty much non-existent in their eyes.

Until recently, that is. He finally got his parents’ undivided attention last year, but not at all in a good way. One evening, he’d been on his way home from his nightly wanderings, and was met with an encounter between two cats that wasn’t at all going well, particularly for the female cat, who was receiving some very unwanted attention and pleading with the male to leave her alone. Akiru grew up as a quiet, unassuming, obedient young cat who simply minded his own business and avoided trouble. But what he saw brought out another side to him, one that was more bold, and determined, and had a will to make right all the wrongs he came across.

And he did just that. Or.. at least tried to. He pushed his way between the two cats, putting himself in the path of the male cat, the female protected behind him. And soon he was locked in a fight with him, and before he knew it, he’d knocked the other cat down in the struggle, even drawing blood. But unfortunately for him, the cat he’d fought with had sway with the castle guards, and was actually a noble in the Cat King’s entourage. Akiru was arrested, and punished for his apparent ‘assault’ of the noble cat. But that wasn’t the worst of it..

That incident, was exactly the excuse his parents needed to completely abandon him, and disown him from the family, leaving him with nothing, and no one. While he may have been thankful to be rid of their abuse, they were still his parents and it had been his home. Now he had nowhere to go. Well, until he made a few friends, that is. And with all their stories, and his own, to fuel a need to rebel, to take justice into their own paws and set things straight.. Akiru is now leading a band of thieves striking back against the system that had wronged them all.

#abuse mention #abuse tw #death mention #neglect mention #neglect tw

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corinthbayrpg · 3 years

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NAME. Sebiorn Kolev AGE & BIRTH DATE. 545 & April 3rd, 1475 GENDER & PRONOUNS. Male & He/Him SPECIES. Vampire OCCUPATION. Unemployed FACE CLAIM. Jamie Dornan

BIOGRAPHY

( tw: murder, violence, death ) Wicked things often get unremarkable beginnings. Dissatisfaction sits under the skin, trying to take root as the years go by and Sebiorn watered and sowed it, watching it bloom and seethe, and seethe, and seethe. There had always been too many faces wrapped around the table, too many sets of dirty hands and filthy fingernails, half crescents caked in the earth that the family had towed and tilled, trying to raise fields of rye out of what was cold and unwilling to bear life. He clings to memories like these and they return to him in dreams, of fields of struggling crop, whose tops he brushed his fingertips against under the bowl of the cloudless, blue sky. Then they had spelled the difference between survival through the harsh Danish winter and the thinning of their family, everything that depended on seed that swayed and whispered as the wind coursed through the land. It was like this that he grew, dissatisfaction linking hands with hunger, making a home in his belly.

He married a girl from town whose wide eyes had reminded him of rain that torrented down on the roof of the tiny home he’d built with his hands, and they started their own family- a parade of flaxen haired, second generation Ibsen’s who carried on the same tradition. On cold nights their fingers and toes curled under threadbare blankets, on colder ones there was never enough to fill the bowls that sat expectantly around the table. Sebiorn grew older, more tired; what had once been a youthful face carried lines as his body bent and broke under the strain of thankless work, plowing through half frozen fields and feeding cattle who produced little milk and little meat. Every night, he’d bend his at the head of the table, begging his god, the old gods, any one that would listen, for a way to be free of a life that he had determined to be a curse.

Prayers, when whispered close to the earth sometimes reach the devil’s ear and when no god came to answer his call, a demon came to offer salvation. She whispered of a bargain, told him the story of how the fiddle had been made. Her story was of how the devil had asked for each member of a family, turning them into strings and the body of the instrument, saving the wife to be used for the bow. He told her that he wished to make music, and in that accord she stole him away, leading him to the dense forest that surrounded their farm. He followed her, raven haired and wicked, through the cursed rye that she stamped through with bare feet and past the cattle whose milk had soured and bodies grown lean. Sebiorn was glad to throw it away, letting her drain what little life remained from his tired body. As she lay him on the earth of the land that had belonged to the Ibsen’s for years and years, she smoothed his brow and fed him her blood, letting him die in her lap. It was there that he would rise once again; new, free of pain and weariness- but still bearing a hunger unlike that he had known in life.

The hunger didn’t go away, it grew claws and raked itself up his dry throat, hardly satiated when they’d both feasted on his family, severing his tie to the Ibsen line, ending a cursed lineage with the snap of each young neck. She whispered him praises for freeing them of an existence of pain, for sending them to their god, and he accepted it. The hunger didn’t end as he tore through his village with her in his arms, desperately attempting to sate a thirst that could hardly be managed. His sire had laughed at his appetite, and she gleamed at his voracity and capacity for violence. It had taken scarcely more than a week for his last living ties with the living world to meet their end, severed at her wish- but the massacre of the tiny village was on his hands and at his conscience, of which he had found to have none. For a while, he had thought that his bond with his sire was the same as love- she doted on him, her newest creation, her newest pet, and when she slid a ring onto his finger, far more ornate and beautiful than his wedding band, he smiled as he tossed the roughly hammered metal away. But, demons are not the kind to be loving, and as the years rolled by she grew tired of him, leaving his life as quickly as she had come.

The dissonance between who he was and who he had been stretches the spans of valleys, but Sebiorn never found himself plagued by the feeling of loneliness in her absence. He had seen enough of the world then, the taste of cruelty was acrid and bitter on his tongue, unkindness had set lash marks into his flesh, but now he had a hand in creating some for himself- he understood what it was like to hold power over others. He fleshed out the years that trickled by with travel, making his way through Europe and then when he had exhausted his fascinations there, the rest of the world. Building a life for himself had come with ease, he regaled the story of his beginning as something new every time, plucking out the best parts of his fabrication until he had formed something fascinating. No longer were the Ibsen’s farmers, he told the story as though he had been a soldier, how his life had been gallant and brave. He lied through his teeth when surrounded by his kind, theatrically retelling tales of valour, of blood soaked fields and holy wars. It was enough, every bit was a new brick, a small building block of the monolith he wished to become: an arrogant figure among the dead.

Modelling his actions after those of his creator, Seb began to make more of their kind. He was determinate in his selection, striving to see a reflection of himself in those that he saved from the finiteness of life. His intentions were to preserve beauty like a rose behind glass, but his choices had fangs for thorns and hunger for petals. He wasn’t a good sire at first, letting his progeny run amuck. The earliest ones had been the worst off, too headstrong and proud: he lost most to wolves, others to hunters. It took years to perfect the formula to having them stay, to learn without their teeth bared, but as his last one left his care and he prepared to teach another fledgling vampire, Sebiorn found himself wholly distracted.

Another vampire had entered the fray, and he’d seen him plucking money from pockets with one hand and necklaces from bare throats with the other, all in the same breath as he pressed a kiss to a rouged cheek. He was fascinated, enchanted from the first moment. Allowing himself to fall into Vince’s world was dizzying, a headlong sprint that he knelt not, barrelling to the front of his affections. They tore through the world together for a while, and he opened his chest to let the other vampire see all of the truths there, the ugliest parts, the ones that he had almost forgotten of himself. And it was good, for a long time, before it was bad- viciously separating at the cause of Sebiorn’s inconsolable jealously, their youth, their terrible priorities. Years apart were spent yearning, he replaced Vince with other being, other faces and bodies- but when they came back together he was pliant and liquid once again- entirely his, entirely aware of how foolish he had been to try and forget such a fact. It was a tango that they’d do for years, tugged back and forth while Vince raced to tend to his progeny, while Seb couldn’t bear to hear about them anymore. His existence had spanned nearly five hundred years when he decided that this was no way to live, that his heart would not belong to anyone else- he offered it to the other vampire, should he take it or leave it, and they were married as soon as it was possible.

Married life has suited him fine, he’s realized. Domesticity and days in the sun, languid and rich in enjoyment of the other’s company, this is how he enjoys living. Now in Corinth, Sebiorn has become something domesticated. The violence that he had once revelled in as a youth no longer holds the same appeal, he cannot fathom enjoyment from tearing gore up and down a street- he is only momentarily raptured by terrified screams in alleys. He prefers his little rituals, walking down to the markets to get fresh ingredients, creating the perfect cup of coffee, collecting bizarre art and gossiping over wine with his friends. Instead of work, he has taken it upon himself to establish a haven for young vampires in the city, cleaning their messes and fixing their troubles- he can see the gleam of troublemaking in their eyes and aims to keep them from harm, despite the fact that he often gripes about missing out on what he claims would be a quite restful retirement.

PERSONALITY

+ paternal, steadfast, observant - jealous, petty, possessive

PLAYED BY SAM. EST. She/Her.

#sam

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mackwritess · 3 years

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Westwood Road (Part 2)

A/N: I’m back with a second part! This was another commission, I didn’t think people liked the first part enough to want more of these two, but I guess I was wrong! My commissions are still open, with three slots available currently, so if you like what I do feel free to hit me with your own requests!

Summary: It’s been years since the incident on Westwood Road, and the two of them have long since gone their separate ways. But when an opprotunity to be reunited presents itself, will the risks be worth the reward?

Word count: 5.8k

Part 1

He doesn’t know how long he sits in the dark.

For all he knows, the dark is all he’s ever known. He sits there, waiting. Waiting for what exactly, he doesn’t know for sure. He just feels like this is the calm before the storm. Though he feels, upon thinking about it a bit longer, that this is more like the eye of the storm.

After all, he was just killed by someone he loved.

No, that doesn’t quite sound right either. He does still love her. He knows he probably shouldn’t, given the way she had just ripped him apart like a rabid animal, but he can’t bring herself to harbor any negative feelings about her. His only regret is not asking how she’d ended up in such a tragic situation. If the tears that streamed down her face as she finished him off were anything to go by, it must have been devastating.

He continues to just sit there in the all encompassing darkness. He wonders if he’ll ever be reunited with her again. He wonders if he’ll ever get to see her smile again, or hear her voice.

While he’s lost in thought, memories drifting in and out of his mind, he doesn’t notice the way things are beginning to grow brighter around him. He doesn’t notice until the light is near blinding, and he finds himself losing consciousness again.

It’s been years since she did what she did.

She’d convinced herself that she would move on and, in a way, she has. She continues to feed, preying on men and women alike as she sustains herself on their souls. In all this time, none of them had the same effect on her. She was able to do the same process that she had done with him with very little trouble. She was so certain this meant she had moved on.

Deep down she knew she hadn’t.

Even after all this time, the way he had looked at her before she took his life sits at the back of her mind, coming forward at the worst possible moment without fail.

Sometimes it comes to her just before she falls asleep, rendering her unable to do so for several hours, if she gets to at all. Other times, it comes when she’s about to feed, when she’s already planning where she’ll go to catch her next one. Suddenly, her prey becomes the predator, looking back at her with his forgiving eyes rather than the terrified ones they’d replaced. She’s taken back to the moment before she committed what she considers to be her greatest sin. Though he wasn’t fully composed, the fear of death as paralyzing as ever, his eyes told a different story. It was one of forgiveness, of acceptance.

It was one of love.

Sometimes she wonders if she’ll ever see him again. Perhaps he’d be traveling the world as a spirit, unable to move on from his mortal dwelling. Though she figures he’s likely become an angel by now. Helping others where he can, protecting them from things that may come to harm them. Protecting them from beings like her.

She knows he couldn’t have become something like her. It’s not in his nature.

While he had been able to accept his end, remembering all their moments together with fondness rather than regret, she hadn’t been able to do the same. Instead of remembering any good that had happened between her and the man that had ended her life, she found herself thinking about all the red flags that she had looked past. The way she had ultimately pushed away her friends and family who tried to warn her floated through her mind. She wished she’d listened to them.

Now she was doomed, her soul tainted with spite and vengefulness. She was to wander the earth, inflicting the same pain tht had been done unto her, only able to survive by causing heartbreak that could rival her own.

She wonders if the man who killed her had wanted to do the same. Reveling in the damage he had done to her, for fun rather than for survival. She thinks he was her first encounter with a demon. No person could be that evil without corruption. Though she fears she’s become like him.

She wonders if the cycle will ever break. If she’ll ever be free of her curse.

When he wakes up again, he’s disoriented.

The room is covered in a blinding white. The white curtains that hang in front of the window move slightly, a light breeze flowing into the room. There’s not a single sound coming from inside or outside of the room. He takes in his minimal surroundings, noting the chair sitting at the edge of the bed. The walls are as bare as the rest of the room, save for a rather intricate painting of clouds that rests near the door. It’s redundant, he thinks. It’s as if whoever was responsible for designing this pace felt it was too plain, but decided any sort of color would disturb the flow of the room.

He continues scanning the room, searching for something, anything, that could tell him where he is, when there’s a knock at the door. He freezes. Should he be hiding right now? Would making any sounds alert whoever, or whatever was on the other side of the door?

As if able to sense his apprehensiveness, the door opens slightly. It continues slowly, and he doesn’t dare move an inch. When it does open, he’s met with a young woman. She wears a simple white dress, and carries a clipboard with a few sheets of paper attached to the front of it.

“There’s no need to be alarmed,” she says. “You’re safe now.”

“Where am I?” He asks immediately. He can’t quite explain it, but her presence soothes him instantly. He finds any worries he has have melted away, and now he only has questions that need answers.

“Heaven, of course. You do know that you’re dead, right?” He nods. “Well, you’re certainly handling this better than most people your age do.”

“I didn’t think heaven would be so… clinical.”

“We’ve tried modernizing the way we welcome new angels.”

“It’s a little…”

“Plain?”

“Yeah.”

“There’s no real reason for that. Just how it is.” He nods again. “Were those all your questions?”

“What’s the clipboard for?”

“Oh! That’s actually what I’m here to go over with you. You see, once you die, the place you end up after assigns a job to you.”

“So we don’t just get to enjoy the afterlife?”

“You do, just as long as you’re on top of assignments. It’s just so we can keep things running smoothly. Gives the people here a purpose.”

“So it’s like having a job.”

“Exactly! Only the payment is living in paradise.”

He considers this for a moment. Everything he’d been told about what Heaven is like has been a little misleading, it would seem. Though, he guesses that angels who visited humans in all the stories he’d heard were just doing their job. He tries not to think too hard about what that implies.

“So how do I choose my job?”

“Oh, you don’t choose. Your assignment is chosen when it’s decided where you’ll go after you die. Easier to get both of those examinations done in one go. Much faster that way.”

“But what if someone gets a job they aren’t happy with?”

“They learn to be happy with it eventually. Each job is rewarding in its own way.”

“I guess so.”

“You’ll understand more the longer you stay.” The woman clears her throat. “Now then! Let’s talk about your job. Your file says that you tend to go out of your way to help people. You were fairly popular in high school. A shame that you died so young. You really didn’t get to live much of your life.”

“I’d rather not think about that too much.”

“Your manner of death, though, that’s what really interests us.”

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“Oh, this is a great thing. It’s the reason you’re getting the job you’re getting. We’ve been trying to deal with this type of demon for a while now. So many souls, unable to be saved.”

“Why?”

“Well, we don’t really base where you’ll go on your whole life. We base it on your emotions during your final moments. Really says a lot about you as a person. Much more than you realize.”

“So the people who died the way I did? What were they feeling?”

“Rage. Vengeance. Bloodlust. They wanted the person who had betrayed them to pay for what they’d done. They wanted them to suffer as they had.”

“But isn’t that normal? Isn’t it reasonable to be angry that someone you loved would hurt you?”

“Maybe. But forgiveness should follow. That’s what we’ve all been taught. And that’s why you’re the only one who’s been saved.”

“The only one?”

“Understanding. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Those were the last things you felt before your death. We’d never seen that before. More interesting, though, you felt love. You were still under the spell of that demon.”

“A spell?” His voice raises slightly at the mention of her. “She never used any spell on me. I love her.”

The woman eyes him for a moment, mild concern written on her features.

“You poor boy. One day you’ll be free.”

“From what?”

“Nothing. Now, your job is similar to a guardian angel, albeit a bit more dangerous. You’ll be helping more people free themselves from these demons. Or, at the very least, you can warn them by telling them what will happen if their emotions lean too negatively when the time finally comes.”

“Okay. I think I can do that. But why is it so dangerous?”

“In doing your job you're essentially taking away a demon’s source of food. Much like a wild animal, this will make them more dangerous. We usually leave a job like this to our more experienced angels, but seeing as you know first hand how these demons work, you should be just fine.”

He’s silent for a moment. He didn’t think there were very many demons who operated the way she did. Certainly not enough to cause such a problem that it would be considered dangerous. His heart hurts at the thought of so many people suffering the way she had. He wonders if there’s a way for him to help the demons themselves as well as their prey.

“Will I ever find her again?” He opts to ask.

“I doubt that. None of us know her name?”

“What? But-”

“Demon’s names hold power. If someone knows the true name of a demon, then they’re basically owned by that person. They usually go by cover names.”

“And you don’t know hers?”

“No, I do. But you can’t know that information. You could end up going rogue, and we can’t have an asset as valuable as you doing something like that.”

“Rogue?”

“You know them as fallen angels. You’d essentially become a powerful demon. I’m sure you can understand why we wouldn’t want such a thing.”

“Could a demon become an angel?”

“That’s not possible. Their place was already decided. There is no way for them to rise in status, no matter how much they believe they have redeemed themselves.”

“But that’s-”

“I know. It seems harsh, judging someone based on a single moment. But that’s the way things are here.”

He’s speechless. He wamts to do this job, that much is for sure. He wants to save people from having everything taken from them the way he had. He’s got all the motive he needs to do the tasks given, not really afraid of the potential danger of this new proffession.

He just wishes there was a way from him to save her.

This is probably the worst attempt at feeding she’s had to suffer through in a long time.

It seemed easy enough when she first stumbled across him. A strange man who’d never even been in a relationship. He would be quick work, she’d thought. He’d fall for her in a week, three at the most. That’s what she’d assumed.

It’s been about four weeks now, and she can’t lure the guy away from his house for long enough to finish the job.

It wouldn’t be as bad, all things considered, if the guys weren't also a total freak. He’s definitely not someone she feels any sympathy for. He’d started pressuring her into sleeping with him a week into the relationship, which would’ve been the first red flag to anyone who knew how to spot them. She’d managed to convince him that she wanted to wait, and he agreed, deciding that her reluctance made her more “worthy” of him when the time came.

She thinks he’s full of shit.

She’s tried everything to lure him away, from telling him that she wanted to take him out to dinner to telling him that she had some sort of surprise for him that needed to happen outside the city. Just her luck she’d find prey that was essentially a hermit. She’d only come across him when he was out buying computer parts. Today, though, she was at her limit.

It was when he’d berated her for her choice in clothing, a simple tank top and jeans combination, that she’d decided that she’d let his pathetic existence go on for much longer than what was necessary.

It takes finally giving in to his request of hooking up with her to pull him away from the basement he was living in. She imagines his soul won’t be particularly tasty, but at this point, she’s more worried about having someone like him taking up valuable space on earth than anything else.

She brings him to the outskirts of the city, his greasy hands finding their way all over her body on the way. She can’t wait to be done with him. He’s so focused on trying to make her focus on him that he doesn’t notice the way her eyes flash red with every press to her skin.

She’s so focused on trying not to kill the man right then and there that she doesn’t notice she’s being watched.

She managed to convince him that allowing him to tie her up would be a good idea, and he agreed, noticing that the building they’re in is run down, but too concerned with what he thinks is about to happen to interrupt her.

“C’mon, Miranda, when do we get started? I’ve gotta be back home for this tournament.”

She flinches at the use of her name, or at least what he thinks is her name. Somehow it doesn’t make her feel any less dirty.

“Oh, you poor soul, you don’t realize the danger you’re in. Not that it matters.”

“What danger? Does this building have asbestos or something? Why would you bring us here, are you really that stupid?”

Her eye twitches at the comment, but she makes the decision to ignore it. He’s the fool here, after all.

“It’s not that you should be worried about, though you’re probably right about the chemicals. This building has been around for centuries. Great place to harvest a soul.” The man lets out a nervous chuckle.

“What are you, like, one of those fake vampire people?”

“A vampire? You don’t even know enough to know what it is they do? The most explored mythical creature in existence?”

“I don’t need the likes of you telling me what I do and don’t know. Let me go, you’ve ruined the mood. Maybe I’ll let you try again in a week.”

“You still don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what? Let me out of here!”

“Ah, you’re another one that doesn’t get it. Frankly, I’ve wasted enough time on you, so I’ll just spell it out for you. I’m a demon and I’m here to consume your soul.” His eyes widen, but he says nothing. She continues. “Ideally I would’ve been done with you a week ago. But you’re such a pathetic waste of a person that I couldn’t even get you out for long enough.”

“So this is what you do? Trick men so you can eat us?”

“Yup. You made the hard part easy, too. You were wrapped around my finger the second I rejected you. Strange behavior, if you ask me.”

“You bitch, you won’t get away with this!”

“You’re not even that original. A misogynist named Kyle? Give me a break”

Her eyes begin to change from their warm brown to a harsh crimson. She opens her mouth, rows of inhumanly sharp teeth appearing seemingly out of nowhere. When she does, she can feel her body begin regaining energy, his soul draining from his body and entering hers. She watches as the life drains from his eyes, growing duller the more of his soul he loses. When the light is gone, she reverts back to her human form, and breathes a sigh of relief.

“Wow, that was exhausting. Never going after one of these types ever again.”

“That’s a good idea. I didn’t like the way he treated you.”

She freezes. It’s happening again. She hasn’t imagined his voice in such a long time. It hasn’t crossed her mind in months. Why now? Why after all this time?

“I know you’re not real,” She says. “I’m just hearing things again. Go away.”

“Again? So you’ve heard me before?”

“You know I have.”

“How could I know that? I haven’t seen you since the day I lost you.”

“Since you lost me... You don’t talk like that. Where’s the ‘you did this to me’ speech?”

“Turn around. I’m real.”

She’s unconvinced. She knows this is her mind playing a dirty trick on her. A simple rewording of what it usually tells her won’t get her hopes up. Still, she decides to play along. She turns, slowly, like a model on a runway showing off their every angle. She figures that she’s already on the edge of her sanity as it is, and she closes her eyes too, making it a bit of a game. Her turning comes to a stop.

“Alrighty, go ahead and tell me when I can open my eyes. Really make me look even more unhinged than I feel. Let’s have fun with this.”

He can’t believe that after all this time, she’s right in front of him.

She’s just as beautiful as he remembered. He’d just watched her consume a soul, a soul which he’d been sent to save, but he can’t find himself feeling anything other than pure joy at the sight of her. He thanks his lucky stars that he was assigned to this case, he was starting to lose hope that he would ever see her again.

He’s thinking about what she said. She’d been hearing his voice before he found her. Killing him really had taken a toll on her, it would seem. At this realization, he thinks back to what he had been told so long ago.

“Her kind don’t form connections to the people they kill,” the woman says. “They’re heartless creatures. It’s best that you accept that now rather than finding out later.”

“Is it just something that doesn’t happen often? Or is it difficult for them to do it?”

“No. It’s impossible. You really need to let that girl go. She’s out there right now forming the same type of relationship with other people as she did with you. You were nothing but something for her to use.”

“Right. A food source.”

“Exactly. You’ll feel better once you move on. For now, just focus on your work.”

He did exactly that. He’d managed to save many people in the time since he'd begun his job. Luckily, he’s been able to avoid every demon he’s managed to swindle out of a meal. Until now, that is.

This is the first mission he’s ever failed. Surely, he would be questioned about what happened, and he knew he would have to make something up. But seeing the way this particular person acted, especially after he found out it was her he was talking about in such a disrespectful way, he decided he had no qualms about letting him die, taking advantage of his luck so that he could get the answers to his questions. He needed to know if he really should be moving on, or if he should be looking for a cure.

“You can open your eyes. It really is me,” He says. She scoffs.

“You better leave me alone for good after this.” She wastes no time in letting her eyes fly open. When she does, she looks unimpressed. “Oh, you haven’t done this little trick in a while. I suppose you expected me to run forward only for you to turn to dust, right?”

“You can touch me. I’m real. I came to see you.”

“Prove it then. Walk forward. All the way over here to me. I’m just dying to see what you’ll do when you get here.”

He obeys immediately, making his way over and resisting the urge to run over to keep from alarming her. He stands right in front of her now, and she continues to give him the same unimpressed gaze. She still doesn’t believe what she’s seeing.

It’s when he makes the bold move to wrap his arms around her that she goes quiet.

This isn’t real. It can’t be real. This is just an intense delusion of hers.

He’s warm, that’s the first thing she takes note of. He’s got a tight hold on her, almost as if he’s afraid that he’ll leave him again. Against her better judgement, she leans into his embrace, taking in his scent.

“You’re real,” she says. “You’re really here.”

“I’m real,” he confirms. “I’ve been looking for you.”

“But why?” She asks. “I’m the reason you ended up this way. You’re supposed to hate me.”

“I could never hate you. Not when I understand why you do what you do. I won’t punish you for doing something out of your control.”

She finds herself relaxing in his hold. She hasn’t been able to relax in such a long time. It’s not what she was made to do. It’s entirely out of her nature to do such a thing. She’s never been able to stick to her own rules when it comes to him, though. Still, she pushes him away.

“You shouldn’t be here. Not with me. You could get in trouble.”

“You’re worried about me?”

“Of course I am, don’t be ridiculous.”

He seems to consider her words for a moment.

“I need you to listen to me, okay?” She thinks a moment before nodding. “There’s a way for me to cure you, I know there is, but I need to know that this is what you want.”

“What? That’s not possible.”

“No, there’s a way. I just need time. I’m not gonna let them keep us apart like this. I just need you to trust me.”

She already trusts him, though. She doesn’t need any convincing. She only worries about what will happen to him if he’s caught.

“You can’t help me. It’s against your rules. You could get in serious trouble.”

“I don’t care. As long as your burden is lifted, I’ll be happy.” She says nothing. “I’m going to get you out of this. But we’ll need to be apart again for some time. Stay safe until that day.”

She doesn’t bother arguing with him. He’s always been this way, setting his mind to something and not stopping until he gets what he wants. It’s a trait of his that she always admired. She’s afraid that this time, it may be his downfall. He’s challenging forces he’s only just begun to understand.

But she’s tired of them too. She doesn’t care what happens to her, but if this is something that can cause a change, she’ll do it.

“Okay,” she says. “I want this. I trust you.”

He grabs her by the waist and pulls her close to him again, planting a gentle kiss on her forehead, before backing away again.

“I’ll see you soon. I promise.” With the flash of a bright light, he disappears, leaving her alone with nothing but her thoughts, and the shell of the soul she had eaten.

For the first time since she lost him, she breaks down.

When he returns home, the first thing he does is report what happened to him.

Not all of it, of course, he can’t mention that he’d finally found her. That would only anger them. They would likely restrict his activities, making his mission more difficult than it likely already will be. The people in charge tell him that because of his great work in other cases, one failed case was nothing to worry about, so he could just go about his day until he received his next assignment.

While he waited, he went to visit the person who would help him to do what he needed to do. He knocks lightly on the door, and upon hearing the quiet “come in” on the other side of the door, he lets himself in

“Oh, it’s you again. Don’t tell me you’re here to find more ways around the curse.” The woman says.

After being here for several years now, he’s met tons of people. Though, he’s never bonded with someone the way he has with Kora, an elderly woman whose death came to her in her sleep. In her life she had been a witch doctor, dabbling in spells that could transform things into different objects, cause misfortune for others, and yes, lift curses.

“I don’t need to do that.”

“Sure,” Kora says. “I just made tea, come have some.”

He sits down at her kitchen table, and she turns to pour him a cup, placing it in front of him before pouring one for herself and taking a seat.

“I really don’t need to find a way around the curse, Kora. I found her today. She wants to do this.”

Kora looks up at him, expecting him to tell her he was just joking. But when she sees the way his eyes sparkle, unbridled hope written in them, she knows he’s serious. She lets out a sigh.

“Well, I did say I’d help you. I’m a woman of my word.” He smiles. “But you’re risking a lot here. If it doesn’t work, you could risk everything. Not just for you, but for both of you.”

“That’s fine. Whatever it is, we can handle it.”

“So, it’s not the procedure that takes much effort. It’s the aftermath. The main step is finding the man who killed her, in order for her vengeance to be achieved. Lucky for you, he’s still alive.”

“Sounds easy enough. It didn’t take much for her to tear me up,” he says with a chuckle.

“However, once she does this, she’ll be reborn. This would separate the two of you, leaving you behind to deal with the consequences, on top of defeating the purpose of you doing this.”

“I can’t accept us getting separated from each other. Not again.”

“There is a way for the two of you to be reborn together. But it is difficult. You’ll have to have bonded to her. Seeing as she’s a demon, the only way for you to do that is for you to get her name.”

“She didn’t even tell me that when we were alive.”

“That’s what I’m worried about. In the end, will she have trusted you enough to give you this information? Will she love you enough to make herself so vulnerable?” He says nothing. “Even so, there’s no guarantee that in your next life the two of you will meet. That will also depend on how strong your bond is. You could end up in entirely different countries, even.”

He thinks about this. Now that he knows what will be required, he’s hit with the weight of what exactly it is he’s risking here. If he’s unsuccessful, he'll have to face the wrath of the angels he’d betrayed. If he succeeds, he doesn’t even know if he’ll get the result he’s really after.

But then he thinks of her. No matter the outcome, she’ll be freed from her curse. She’ll get to live the life she didn’t get to before. More than his desire to be with her, he wants her to have the life she deserves.

“I’ll do it. I don’t care about the risks. I’m going to do it.” Kora sighs.

“Alright, then. I’ll tell you where the man is, but the rest is up to you.” He rises from his seat and makes his way over to her, wrapping her in a tight hug.

“I’ll be okay, Kora. Everything will be fine.”

He makes his way out of her home after talking a bit more with her. He knows that regardless of what happens, he won’t see her again after this.

She watches him leave, and for his sake, she hopes that if she is to hear about him again, it won’t be a story of a young man who risked everything for the wrong person.

When they arrive at their destination, she feels a chill run up her spine.

It’s late. They wanted to be certain that no one would be around when they did what they came to do. Things would be less messy that way.

“He’s in a church?” He asks, confused. She rolls her eyes.

“I expect nothing less from him. He always did hide behind a facade. This is the best one yet.”

The two of them head in, and hide amongst a few churchgoers that linger inside. She assumes that there was a late night church service being held here. They must’ve come at the end, and she’s thankful. The thought of having to actually listen to him pretend to be a good man makes her sick to her stomach.

They linger until the church is empty, and she sees him head to the back, leading to the basement that she knows all too well. She grabs his hand and leads him in that direction, bringing him to the door that leads deeper into the church.

“Are you sure you’re ready to face him again?’

“I’m sure. It’s about time I see him again. This is long overdue.” Her eyes flash red for a moment, and he decides to stop asking questions.

She pushes the door open, and makes her way down the stairs with him following close behind her. She sees the man at the back of the room, rifling through boxes, and wastes no time in letting him know she’s here.

“Well, well, well.” The man freezes. “Been a while since we were down here, huh? Sure brings back memories, doesn’t it?”

“You’re not real. You’re not real. You’re not real,” the man mutters to himself.

“Oh, so you do feel guilty about what you did to me? Could’ve fooled me. Your little holy man cosplay is quite interesting.”

“Why are you here?”

“Look me in the eye, coward.” Afraid of provoking her, he turns to face her, slowly. “Much better.”

“How are you here? What are you?”

“This question gets more annoying the more i hear it, you know. Figure it out yourself, holy man.”

“What do you want from me? Please go away.”

“Oh no. Not yet. See him?” she points to where he stands, standing a little distance behind her. “I want you to tell him what you did to me.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Tell him why you thought my life needed to end.”

“I had to. You know what would have happened.” the man turns to him. “She knew what she was doing.”

“You didn’t have to do anything.”

“They would have disowned me!”

“So a little premarital sex is an issue, but murder is cool? Got it. Anything to keep your dirty little secret, right?”

The room is silent. Now that the truth is out there, now that he knows what happened to her, he understands why no one knows her name.

“I guess I should’ve expected this, right?” She continues, “After getting involved with the preacher’s son? And you got to go on, right? Continued living? Taking up after your dad? And what did I get? Cursed. Dooming people to the same fate you forced me into. But today, that changes.”

“You dare to claim that what I did wasn’t justified? You wanted to ruin me!”

“I wanted to be with you. In public. I didn’t wanna be a secret.”

“You convinced me to commit a sin. You haven’t earned the right to love, I could’ve been great. Instead, I’m stuck in this town, in the middle of nowhere, trying to make up for something that you did.”

“You did this to yourself.” she says. Her eyes quickly change to that harsh red he had seen before, and he knows what’s about to happen before the man does. “I don’t need to prove my worth. To you, or to anyone. You were nothing in life, and now, you’ll be nothing in death.”

Before he can even get a word in, she’s latched onto him, ripping him apart in the very same room where her existence was cut short.

A few moments of silence go by before she begins to glow slightly.

“It’s happening. I did it, I broke the curse.”

“You did. You’re free now.”

“But what about you? Why aren’t you glowing too?”

“We haven’t bonded enough. It’s okay though, I wouldn’t have wanted you forced into doing something. You’ve been through enough.”

“No! No, tell me. I’ll do it.” He knows she won’t, but she won’t remember him when she’s reborn anyway.

“I needed your name.”

She looks at him. She’s so close, so close to being free from that person. She can’t be bound to her again. She can’t say her name.

Taking note of her silence, He grabs the sides of the face, and pulls her in for a kiss, putting everything he has into it, as he knows it’ll be the last time. He whispers an “I love you” before looking her in the eyes to be sure she knows.

It’s at this moment, as her glow is becoming blinding, that she realizes this is a decision she can make herself. Finally, she’s the one who gets to make a choice. Instead of misery, this time, she chooses happiness. She just hopes it isn’t too late.

“My real name is..”

Somewhere, in another part of the world, a baby girl is born to a family that had been trying to conceive a child for years. They know this is the most precious gift they’ll ever receive.

Minutes later, in that same hospital, a baby boy is born.

#short fiction #short story #commission #commisions open #writers on tumblr #writing #writing commissions #support black creators #support black authors #support black writers #demons #demon #angels #angel #my work #my writing #horror #short horror story

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vespertine-legacy · 4 years

Link

Sorry for re-posting this (not sorry, didn’t hurt enough of you the first time around), but I decided I wanted to put up my track list explanations.

I know I originally said I wasn’t going to share who I had assigned to each track and just leave it open to interpretation, but then I decided, fuck that, so here you go. It’s divided up by class because that made it easier for me to make sure I got everyone, but that’s not the order the tracks are in on the playlist, so sorry for that... POTENTIAL SPOILERS for ALL CLASS ROMANCES. Track explanations have snippets from the letters the PC receives from each romanced companion for all classes and Theron (and some of them fucking hurt).

(Here’s hoping the formatting doesn’t fuck up too bad...)

I’d love to hear your opinions on it (beyond “hey, fuck you,” though I do welcome those reactions too)!

The Night We Met - Lord Huron [Theron Shan]

[The thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that you’re out there. … I haven’t forgotten about you or our time together. I never will.]

I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met

[Sith Warrior]

Need - Hana Pestle [Vette]

[They say powerful Sith can come back from the dead and appear to the people they had strong connections to when they were alive. Will I wake up one day and see you? Will you finally tell me what happened? Will I know if you had the time to think about me before you died?]

My hand searches for your hand In a dark room I can't find you Help me Are you looking for me? Can I feel anymore? Lie to me, I'm fading I can't drop you Tell me I don't need you

The Other Side - Ruelle [Malavai Quinn]

[The Empire needs you. More than that--I need you. … I should have come with you aboard Darth Marr’s ship--stood in my rightful place by your side. … Now I’m faced with the possibility of never seeing you again… and it makes me ill. I cannot accept it. … No matter what anyone says--I know you’re alive, and I will find you. Even if it kills me.]

We are buried in broken dreams We are knee deep without a plea I don't want to know what it's like To live without you Don't want to know the other side Of a world without you Is it fair, or is it fate? No one knows The stars choose their lovers Save my soul It hurts just the same

Gone - Olivia Broadfield [DS!Jaesa Willsaam]

[You were always going to leave me. I knew that. … I’m more powerful than ever, and I don’t fear death. … Why should I cry that you’re gone? Why write words to a dead man? Why?]

And I finally found That I found my voice And I'm saying all these things Just because I've got the choice And it's gone

[Sith Inquisitor]

Stars - Grace Potter & The Nocturnals [Andronikos Revel]

[All I wanted was to fly free, no attachments. But what we have together--I wouldn’t give that up for anything. I know you’re alive. It would take more than an explosion to kill my girl. Even a really big one. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll commandeer a shuttle to find you myself.]

I can't look at the stars They make me wonder where you are Stars Up on heaven's boulevard And if I know you at all I know you've gone too far So I can't look at the stars

Grow - Rae Morris [Ashara Zavros]

[What does it mean, that you could die and leave no trace? … The Sith and Jedi are helpless against this enemy. I’ve left them all behind. I never belonged to those failed orders, no more than you did. We were always something special. Now it’s just me. Something is drawing me to the darkness beyond the edge of Wild Space. Maybe there will be answers waiting for me. Maybe I won’t be alone anymore. I wish you were going with me.]

Caught beaten by the edge Of the weight of the world Long live this pain Long live this feeling | Blind and childish I won't fight it Here I hide Underneath my innocence (Grow, Grow)

[Imperial Agent]

Already Gone - Sleeping At Last [Kaliyo Djannis]

[Truth is, I’m grateful. Obviously, I was getting soft. Won’t happen again. Just remember--I was the best thing that ever happened to you.]

I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop I want you to know That it doesn't matter Where we take this road But someone's gotta go And I want you to know You couldn't have loved me better But I want you to move on So I'm already gone

Saturn - Sleeping At Last [Vector Hyllus]

[The Song of the Universe crescendoed--its vibrations overtook the stars, then...silence. Your aura, normally so bright, dimmed, and the vessel we have made our home grew cold. … We do not know what we will be like without you. We do not want to know. Please come home.]

I'd give anything to hear You say it one more time That the universe was made Just to be seen by my eyes With shortness of breath, I'll explain the infinite How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist

Scared - Delta Rae [Raina Temple]

[I thought about reaching out to Lana Beniko, but I can’t risk the Sith finding out about me. Especially not now, when I have no protection. … I should forget about you. But I can’t do that. I’m not ready for a life without you. … Please come back to me.]

Baby, can you keep your promise? Baby, can I keep you honest? 'Cause I'm scared There's nothing in the sky above me There's nothing strung below us, baby, if we fall We're caught between a spark and lightning We're caught between forever and nothing at all And I'm sorry, I love you

[Bounty Hunter]

Over - Johnnyswim [Mako]

[Not sure why I’m even writing this. Closure? Just to say “I told you so”? It doesn’t matter. The galaxy’s falling apart, and I don’t need a front-row seat. I’m done with the business. All it’s ever done is take away the people I cared about.]

So wake me up the dream I had is over We were so young and now we’re getting older And I can’t keep on giving you what might be meant for someone new Wake me up the dream I had is over

Who We Are - Tristan Prettyman [Torian Cadera]

[Sometimes, we only get a single battle. You and I had a few years. … You honored me. You saved my life. You loved me better than anyone ever has. I’ll repay those debts. I’ll carry your memory with me on every hunt I take until the day I die. … Ret’urcye mhi doesn’t mean “goodbye”--it means “maybe we’ll see each other again.” If there’s another life beyond this one, I hope we do.]

I will never love another like you So give me all your secrets Your fear and doubts, honey you don't need them I will never find another like you

[Jedi Knight]

Hands - Emily Jane White [Kira Carsen]

[Sometimes I dream that you’re standing in my doorway, but you’re not you anymore. You’re him. Everything’s gone wrong since you left. … You have to come back.]

You caught my bad dream A deathly guise took you by night And those hands turned the tide You were harmed by unsaintly arms We will take you in our arms This ain't no dream

Revelry - The Careful Ones [“Doc” Archiban Kimble]

[You’ve survived worse disasters without breaking a sweat. … I had to learn a lot of math in medical school, and I’ve run the numbers. You’ve gotta be alive. … enough’s enough. … You’ve been gone too long.]

Picture perfect home or no, so I was told It was meant to be no other way Pain it came and fell on me Damn, you put that spell on me That my mind could never erase

[Jedi Consular]

Pain Told Love - Tribe Society, Kiesza [Felix Iresso]

[I spent a lifetime trying to find you. If I have to, I’ll spend another waiting for you to come back. That’s what love is.]

No one knows you quite like me Pain comes and you find a way to build your world around it And when it hurts get inside the pain and wrap your arms around it I heard pain tell love, she said "where would I be without you?" So love I better find a way to build my world around you

Find You - Ruelle [Nadia Grell]

[I will rally these old friends and lead them to wherever you are. We will brave the dangers that await, my love. Stay strong. We will come.]

Just hold on It won't be long I will find you here inside the dark I will break through No matter where you are I will find you

[Smuggler]

The Place I Left Behind - The Deep Dark Woods [Corso Riggs]

[Go to Port Nowhere and send me the signal. I’ll come running. … Come home. I love you.]

I've got the ramblin' fever down in my bones And everywhere that I wanna go The only place that I ever loved Is a place I left behind

I Don’t Believe In Us (Acoustic) - Overcoats [Risha Drayen]

[I didn’t give up on you until today. I searched all over Wild Space, even after Corso said it was time to face the truth. … I’m the one who was supposed to leave when things got bad. Damn you for getting the last laugh, just like always.]

Please understand me, I can't live like this anymore I used to love the sound of it, but what is it we're fighting for I drift in and out of seeing us for who we are Get glimpses of what we're doing here and I don't buy it anymore | I love you, I love you, but all dreams must come to an end

Hold On - Brooke Annibale [Akaavi Spar]

[I’m still alive, but you are dead. I remember you, so you are eternal.]

We put our flame upon ice Watch it burn out All I want to do Feel the ache in my hands to hold on to you

[Republic Trooper]

The Last Time - Taylor Swift, Gary Lightbody [Aric Jorgan]

[We’ve been fighting these things for two months now. … Getting real tired of it. Might not be so bad if I just had my wife here with me like I’m used to. I know you’re still out there. No way you’re dead. Two months is long enough. Please come back to us.]

I'm not sure how I got there All roads, they lead me here I imagine you are home In your room, all alone And you open your eyes into mine And everything feels better

From the Wreckage Build a Home - The Wind and the Wave [Elara Dorne]

[We first met on a search and rescue mission. I suppose it’s only fitting we reunite the same way. Yours, always.]

We're built to last Well now it's clear you're the wind and I'm the wave Oh together we can brave all the things we never knew | If our ship does sink we will follow it like stones From the wreckage build a home

#swtor #swtor playlist #swtor companions #swtor kotfe #swtor kotfe spoilers #technically spoilers because of all the letters #i don't know why i'm like this #it hurt itself in confusion!

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yandere-musings · 5 years

Note

Omg I loved your previous apathetic fem s/o imagines!! If your requests are still open, would you mind continuing Tomura’s? 👀👀

Yandere Shigaraki Pt.2

Wow I got a lot of requests and input in for the first part! Might make a mini series if I get enough requests. Decided to leave the end with a bit of a cliffhanger. Next chapter might be nsfw hehe ♡ (link to first part)

****

WARNING: The following contains dark and triggering themes of emotional abuse, violence, stalking and noncon. Read at your own risk!

Yandere type: posessive, controlling, delusional

The next few weeks that passed were absolute bliss to Tomura. Despite the anger of failed missions, the frustration of his bickering underlings and the painful bruises from his encounters with heros, he was still on cloud nine. All because he knew that waiting back at home was his beloved y/n . No matter the struggles he faced, Tomura had peace of mind knowing that the second he saw you, all his worries would melt away.

It was heavenly finally having you at his side where you belonged. Now he was able to love and cherish you like he had fantasized about for months. And although you promised that you wouldn't try to escape, Tomura still kept you locked inside his room while he was away. He wasn't ready to give you unsupervised reign of the house just yet. There wasn't much you could do, given that you were quirkless, but it was just to be safe. Maybe someday he would allow you to walk around the house freely. At least he didn't have to feel guilty about keeping you in the cage anymore.

Ever since he brought you home, you had been so well behaved. Not once had you tried to reject his love, never cringing away from his touch or kisses. You deserved a reward for being so good. What started as a simple grocery run ended with a spree of him buying gifts and clothing for his precious sweetheart. But he didn't regret it. Why would he feel guilty about his spending when he's only commemorating his darling's behaviour? Although... It did mean he had to go out in public without his father to shield his face. Despite the anxiety being exposed like that caused him, the thought of seeing your smile made it easy to endure. Tomura pulled out the keys to his room with bags in hand and unlocked the door to his bedroom, your prison.

He set down the grocery bags before gently removing father from his sweater pocket and placed him on the dresser. He wandered back to his bed where you were curled up fast asleep. He stood over your sleeping form, just watching. Such a precious sight. He simply had to take a moment to soak in how perfect you looked being surrounded by his posessions.

"Y/n... I'm home," he cooed quietly, reveling in how natural it felt to have those words leave his lips. He gently pushed the hair from your face for a better view. Your eyes fluttered open and you began to stirr. The sight of your adorable body, wearing his t shirt and shorts as pajamas, so exposed and vulnerable... How tantalizing. Tomura pressed a kiss to the side of your head before sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"I brought you some presents. Some snacks I watched you eat before. You must really like them, you used to but them a lot. Oh and-... and some cute new clothes. As much as I love seeing you wearing mine, it'll be nice to have something.... just for you. Be sure to try them on later so I know they fit, okay?"

A lie. Tomura knew you would fit everything perfectly. He had your measurements memorized by heart. You sat up and yawn, nodding your head at his request. Without even being asked, you crawl into his lap. This was the routine now. He would come home and you would cuddle. Sometimes even make-out. It started as him commanding it but now, having you do it of your own accord. It felt natural. Like you truly wanted to do it of your own volition. Your legs straddled his sides and his hands moved to loosely hold your waist.

"Tell me you love me," he commanded, relaxing as he leaned forward to rest his face in the crook of your neck

"I love you Tomura," you replied robotically.

"Mmm good girl," he praised, "Now hold me... And tell me how much you love staying by my side," he continued, whispering against your skin. Your arms snake around his shoulders automatically, cradling his head.

"Thank you for taking care of me. I never want to leave," you responded on queue. There was a clear emptiness in your voice. A blatant disconnection from the words to the feelings you spoke of. That coupled with that blank look you gave him made it obvious. Though those eyes held no fear... they held no love either. But it was alright. One day you would adjust to living this way. You'd learn to love him as passionately as he loved you. Tomura's hand reached up to trail his knuckles over your cheek. For now you were just going with the flow of things. That face of yours that was always smiling before was now bare of emotion. Nonchalant and blank. He wanted to change that. See a new kind of expression. A sly smirk began to spread across his face as an idea sparked into his mind.

"Hey... what would you consider our relationship to be?"

Kidnapper and Hostage? Psychopath and civilian? Murderer and their next victim? Take your pick, you thought.

"I don't... I don't know what you want me to say," you admitted.

Tomura's lips curled sinisterly, making you feel you more uncomfortable to being this close to him. He had moments where his delusions were stronger than others. You prayed this wasn't one of them. Despite how sane he acted sometimes, you knew Shigaraki Tomura was anything but. A chill ran down your back as one of his hands now began to slide up underneath your shirt, slowly trailing up and down your spine.

"Would you say that we're growing close y/n? Like friends?" he asked sweetly.

"I suppose," you forced yourself to say.

Tomura's grin grew wider.

"Would you say that we're more than friends? Lovers even?" he continued, emphasizing the word lovers painfully so.

You tried to swallow the lump in your throat that was beginning to form but no words were coming out. The way his ruby eyes were transfixed up at you with such laser focus. It was the look of a predator eyeing up its prey. You always did as he asked for survival but the way he was looking at you now. You really didn't like it. A finger tapped your back, drawing your attention back.

"Weeeell?" He asked, waiting for your response.

"I-... I guess so?"

He giggled.

"Heheh... I'm glad you think so too, Y/n! Tell me... what do lovers do that friends don't? What makes a lover so special?" He quizzled, his opposite hand slinking lower to caress your backside. You stiffen up against him. Oh god please no.

"T-they kiss?" you stammered out.

"Aaaaand?" he drawled, nuzzling his face against your neck.

"Th-they get married?" you squeak nervously, lightly leaning away from him slightly. Tomura sits back and looks up at you, his smile turning sickeningly sweet.

"Oh y/n .. is that your way of telling me that you want us to get married?"

"Uh.. I'm not-" you begin, starting to panic. Tomura's arms quickly snaked around youe waist and pulled you flush against his chest. He pressed his head against your breasts and let out a maniacal giggle.

"Ah, don't worry my love! I know you're too embarrassed to talk about that stuff yet! Why... I can hear your heart just pounding," he wheezed dreamily, pressing his ear to your skin. Slowly, he tilted his head up, eyes locking onto yours through the strands of hair. His sickening grin resurfaced, spreading wide across his features and making him look all the more disturbed.

"What else do lovers do Y/n?"

You began to tremble, for the first time you were becoming genuinely scared of him. And he was loving it.

"Th-they... Have k-ki-kids?"

He inhaled sharply and let joyful screech before quickly grabbing you from around your midsection and flipping you backwards onto the bed. You plopped down and before you could even try to struggle, Tomura quickly got on top, pinning you down by sitting on your hips. His hands pushed your wrists back and held them above your head but you didn't dare move them. Not when you knew the terrifying power those very hands possessed.

"That's right y/n! They have kids. Such a beautiful thing, to start a family of your own! I've dreamed of having one for years and years. You see, I never really had a family. I didn't think I'd ever get the chance. Never imagined that I'd meet a girl who could see past my flaws and fall in love with me. But you... You're perfect y/n. Perfect for me! We're meant to be together! You're the only one who could love me. You were the only one to show me such selfless kindness. Like an angel, sent to atone for all the cruelty I've had to endure! Since we met, I can't stop think about you and the life we could have together. We could get married and have a family of our own! Wouldn't that be magical? And you know what lovers do in order to have children right?! YOU KNOW RIGHT?!" he heaved above you, eyes straining down so intensely it was impossible to look away.

Aside from the involuntary trembling, you couldn't bring yourself to move. You wanted to scream and push him off. To run and hide from those terrifying eyes that were filled to the brim with his delusional sense of love. You had been complacent and done everything he told you to do. Was he gonna rape you? Was he finally going to kill you despite his vows to never to harm you? Suddenly, his heavy breathing stopped. As if a switch had been flicked off. Tomura's expression relaxed, returning to normal. But the glint in his eyes still didn't lessen your fear.

"You know... they say that when you make love to the person you hold most precious, it feels like you're becoming one with them. Doesn't that sound wonderful y/n? Being so intimately close with the one you love most? I've never experienced such a connection. I've always wanted to of course. But I didn't want to bother unless it was with my one true love..."

Tomura leaned down, tongue flickering out to lap up the tears you didn't know you had been shedding. His tongue licked your lips before he sat back up. He ground his hips down, making you feel the buldge starting to grow.

"Hey y/n... Let's make love."

#shigaraki tomura #yandere tomura #mha tomura #shiragaki tomura #tomurashigaraki #yandere #yandere shigaraki #yandere bnha #yandere boku no hero acadamia #yandere my hero acadamia #yandere x reader

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victoodles · 5 years

Text

Cruel World I’m Gone (Chapter 5)

follow the series on AO3 and make sure you read part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4

The water’s crisp chill envelops you wholly; it feels good against your bare skin - invigorating. You’re weightless, swimming among the stray bluegills that happen your way. Worldly burdens don't follow you beyond the lake’s edge.

Like water off a duck’s back.

You reemerge to the surface, wet hair clinging to your back and you push the remaining strays off your forehead. The evening air nips at exposed skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake.

It doesn’t bother you none. It instead acts as a reminder that you’re still capable of feeling such sensations.

And helps to assuage the guilt.

It’s a crushing weight on your chest, one that seems to get heavier the more that time keeps slowly inching forward.

You’re still here.

And others aren’t.

You pray the mountain waters can cleanse you of a stain that has plagued you since the fall of Beaver Hollow.

No.

Even weeks before that. Since Blackwater, starting with a nameless girl on a boat and ending with Hellfire. Fate pushed one domino and the ensuing fall condemned the Van der Linde’s to a pattern of bloodshed, destruction, and death.

So much death.

You’re still here.

Why are you still here?

You shouldn’t be here.

You stifle a cry, biting your lip until it withers and dies in your throat. These types ideations are incessant, rapid thoughts that show you no mercy. And it doesn’t seem like that will change anytime soon. You float on your back and look at the stars above in an attempt to calm them.

The irony is almost as painful as the losses you’ve endured.

You’re a hunter, a survivor: self taught through books, trial and error, and pure tenacity. What once was worn as a badge of honor now casts an ugly scar across your heart.

Jenny, Davey, Sean, Kieran, Hosea, Lenny, Molly, Susan.

You lived.

And they died.

It seemed a higher power has deemed you worthier than other members of your family.

Was it really that simple?

Or could it be broken down to survival of the fittest? A complicated game of statistics and chances that predetermined everyone's worth.

What put you above others on this unknown hierarchy?

Failure.

Useless.

You couldn’t do anything to save them.

Just sit there and look pretty.

Tears silently roll down your cheeks and you ask aloud, why?

The moon has no answer. It just envelops you in its pearly glow as it continues to rock you against the gentle lake waves.

Arthur rouses with a drowsy call of your name, reaching over to find your side of the bed (unfortunately) empty. He calls for you again, a little more urgency in his voice as he wipes the sleep from his eyes.

Again he is met with silence and he promptly rises from bed to investigate. There’s no threat or sense of danger but he can’t quell the twenty years of fear that came with his old lifestyle.

His jacket is gone from its usual perch on a chair; he instead spies it from the front window, crumpled on the shore.

Worry fuels him as he hurriedly heads outside, clad in only his union suit. Stray rocks and twigs poke at the bottoms of his bare feet but he can’t bring himself to notice or care.

Arthur’s anxiety bleeds into confusion when he notices your chemise laying just beside his jacket. He finally finds you, laying still and on your back a few meters into the water.

Rationality blows away in the evening breeze and Arthur dashes into the water. He calls out to you as he struggles to cut through the waves as fast as possible. Despite his size and strength, Arthur is no match for the tides.

Arthur garners your attention, and you’re quite calm in contrast to how frantic he feels and looks. Strangely enough it puts him a little more at ease but does nothing to alleviate his concern. You’re standing when he finally reaches you, your nudity barely concealed by the water’s edge.

Despite years of intimacy between you, Arthur still finds himself averting his gaze with a dust of red gracing his cheeks. Your chivalrous cowboy would still never dare to look upon you in any state of undress unless he knew you wanted him to. A fond smile finds its way to your lips as you cup his cheek, turning his face back towards you.

The poor dear is soaked in his union suit, not sparing a second to remove it at the chance you could've been hurt. Distress is still heavily apparent in his eyes and you feel just dreadful for worrying him so.

I’m okay.

It’s a blur between truth and lie; it calms him to know there’s no harm caused. But he is still bewildered, brow furrowed as he continues to look you over.

Yes there’s nothing physically wrong, but he knows you so much better than that. Arthur has learned how to conquer the battles that don’t require punches to be thrown or guns to be shot.

“What’s goin’ on?” It’s poised so simply, but the question runs much deeper. His gaze is intense - he wants to know everything. There's no reasonable explanation for dashing off in the middle of the night for a midnight swim.

“I,” you start but any semblance of an explanation gets stuck painfully in your throat. How do you begin to tell him the surge of emotions that scourge you?

Such ugly things…

Arthur patiently awaits your response. He doesn’t push or pull, demand answers before you’re ready to give them. Tears cascade down your cheek and he’s there to sweep them away with a calloused thumb.

“I,” you try again. “I don’t understand.” You’re shivering but it isn’t from the cold. “I don’t understand, Arthur.”

Arthur cups your cheek with a reserved tenderness. “Understand what, darlin’?” He genuinely wants to comprehend your anguish, if you’ll let him.

“Why I’m here. Why I was deemed more deserving to draw another breath when,” the grief claws its way to the surface. “When others died.”

Say their names.

“Sean, Lenny, H-“ the one that hurts the most is the hardest to speak. “H-Hosea. They’re all gone and I couldn’t do anything to save them.”

Your tears are incessant, falling harder, faster, and Arthur’s hold on you shifts to your shoulders. It’s grounding, and you wish you could thank him for that right now.

“It wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have-”

“Couldn’t have known?” You interject. “Of course I could’ve! Dutch was on a downward spiral, it was painfully apparent how flawed his supposed ‘plans’ were!” Tears burn in the corners of your eyes and your breathing becomes labored as your anguish wraps its gnarled hands around your throat.

“If I just spoke up, if I fought him even a little bit-“ Now it’s Arthur’s turn to interrupt as he takes your face carefully in his hands.

“Look at me,” he instructs and you hesitate to comply. He asks again, so sweetly this time it practically hurts to ignore. There’s nothing but adoration in his eyes, not an ounce of blame or scrutiny.

“There was nothing you could’ve done. Dutch,” Arthur’s own pain comes out at the mention of his ex mentor’s name but he is quick to compose himself. “Dutch had us all fooled. Pretty words and speeches that were nothin’ more than hot air.”

“All our losses, all our failures, that’s a burden for his shoulders,” Arthur leans in closer, the tip of his nose brushing against your own. “Not yours.”

You press your forehead to his and revel in the feeling of his fingers against your skin. Sobs transition into sighs when he begins to kiss the tears away from your cheeks reverently.

“I’m here because of you.” It’s a reminder that steals the breath from your lungs. Arthur is alive, here in this world to live another day by your side.

“You say you didn’t fight hard enough? If you had listened to me, I would be dead and rotting on Roanoke Ridge.” The mere thought is more excruciating than any bullet to the chest and you can’t contain the sob that wracks you. Arthur shushes you softly with another well placed kiss.

“You did everything you could, darlin’.” You’ve done so much, and the gratitude Arthur has for your efforts is insurmountable. The crosses you’re bearing aren’t meant to be carried by you.

Give him your pain.

Give him everything.

“What can I do?” Another question that goes beyond mere simplicity. His lips are a whisper away from your own, awaiting your answer. Arthur would likely never shake the habit of willingly following orders. But if you were the one making the demands, he would fall to his knees and obey time and time again.

“Arthur,” his name sounds honeyed sweet as it falls from your lips. He graces you with a small smile while you think. You take his hand in yours, tracing it down your body and stopping just above your breast. Another endearing blush is cast across his face.

“Help me forget,” and you finally close the gap between the two of you, kissing him feverishly. Arthur responds in kind; he will gladly be a vessel for your desires if that’s what you need.

The moon continues to shine above, and it will continue to do so. Many had come and gone but Arthur was still here.

You’re still here.

And that is enough for now.

#vic's fics!#red dead redemption 2 #rdr2 #arthur morgan x reader

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thefaithletters · 5 years

Text

Confronting Our Values: To a Troubled Muslim Community

Dearest whose trust in the Muslim community has been lost after an immensity of love,

On this day, nearly fifteen hundred lunar years ago, our Prophet Muhammed ﷺ was born. His birth changed history. His legacy, and our religion, was built on the foundation of our Prophet's character before he received revelation: honesty and trustworthiness.

Yet, our ummah is plagued by corruption, deceit, manipulation, and hypocrisy. These qualities are in every human society, to some extent. It's normal that some Muslims will have these qualities (after all, most Muslims don't choose their religion but rather treat it like cultural inheritance). But to find these qualities in the ones who have put themselves in positions of being entrusted to revive the message in the hearts, of people, who are elevated for that role, and who are privy to the spiritual hunger and thirst of vulnerable people --that is among the greatest fitnahs.

I am concerned about how desensitized we are becoming to news of this nature. I notice it in myself, and I see it in friends: a spiritual fatigue that doesn't want to be spoken about.

And it breaks my heart.

When there's a lack of consistency or agreement between two beliefs (or values) or a belief and behavior, the mind enters a state of cognitive dissonance. This state of unrest feels heavy and unsettling, and people are naturally motivated to alleviate this discomfort by changing their behaviors, adopting a new belief or idea, seeking new information that offers an alternative paradigm, or deciding to reduce the importance of one of the beliefs or values that are in disharmony. This seems like the state of the majority of young American Muslims today.

The more dangerous trend I see emerging is what I consider spiritual fission. In this state, people can no longer identify or point to the countless directions in which their faith has been shattered. It's a chaotic state, and it's too uncomfortable to confront directly so it naturally leads to numbness and apathy regarding anything religious or an inability to engage with such topics deeply.

Our religious institutions and spiritual leaders are largely responsible for the young generation's disconnection from their mosques and communities (parents play a significant role, too, but that's a topic for another time). It's stories like the ones that came out recently that have caused many people deep despair in spiritual communities.

We are all flawed people. The issue isn't that a Muslim committed a major sin or was fallible to his desires. The real issue is the lack of truthfulness in how it's handled by many involved. Deceit is what erodes trust, and trust is the foundation of faith and community. When it is revealed to a spiritual leader and the community members who closely work with him in a leadership capacity that he is no longer able to uphold his responsibility, the right thing to do is proactively step down and acknowledge a struggle and need for improvement.

Of course, none of us have heard of this type of honorable handling of such situations happening in our communities (I really hope I'm wrong here). Why? Money and ego.

Sadly, many of our spiritual leaders are financially reliant upon their image and reputation as people of God among the community. This means that a religious leader who becomes exposed for a betrayal of his position may suddenly lose all his income and face an overwhelming fear of instability and anxiety about the future. So the survival instinct kicks in (especially if family is involved) and the man no longer sees the moral and ethical layers of the situation.

Money and religion should never mix. Easy to say, complex to implement. I know. Yet, necessary and true, nonetheless.

Another primary reason so-called spiritual leaders don't step down or come forward truthfully when they've betrayed their positions of trust is probably that they don't want to lose their status in the community. Being a celebrity imam can become so ingrained into someone's identity that it becomes almost like an addiction to attention or power. This is also connected to a larger societal shift in values (studies show an upward trend of youth who say they want to become famous). It's even more connected to the shift in values hierarchy we have as a larger Muslim community. Authenticity, truthfulness, integrity...those are all secondary to knowledgeability, charm, and "success."

Until we become a people who hold honesty and trustworthiness among our highest values, our leaders will continue to reflect us.

As we continue to remain obsessed with image and reputation in the community independent of actual virtue or character, we continue to cultivate a culture of hypocrisy and double-lives. People only hide the sins that aren't yet accepted by the community. It's only a matter of time before the scope widens.

I have nothing juicy to say about the recent news regarding Usama Canon. Like many of you who had only love and admiration for Usama Canon and the community he founded, this week's news have been tough for me. I participated in Ta'leef's Refining the Core program earlier this year and met Usama Canon in 2016 when he came to Maryland to give a talk. He was one of the few people who took the time to answer a question I had with careful consideration and respect. I left that talk feeling a sense of hope. And then when I started learning about Ta'leef and participated in their community, I continued to carry with me the hope for our community to be healthy, respectful of all people, and authentically striving for goodness. For the good that he's done, and if this in fact his way of acknowledging the harm he's made and making amends, I pray for his wellbeing. And if this is Ta'leef's uplifting of accountability and honoring their positions of trust, I pray for their success and healing.

Like many, I wish I were surprised by this. Sadly, I know this kind of stuff happens. I’ve witnessed misconduct and heard about it from friends. I’ve tried to speak up about the betrayal of authority and unhealthy behaviors, but the disappointing reactions I got were discouraging. I talked to the spiritual leader who I had witnessed inappropriateness from, and his response was gaslighting. It was a complex and spiritually fatiguing experience. In the end, I just removed myself from the community. Though I didn’t experience abuse, my faith was deeply tested and my heart hurt. I almost lost my religion. I was lucky to be able to notice and protect myself from anyone taking advantage of me. I can’t imagine the pain actual victims endure, and it saddens me that the community cares more about the celebrity abusers than the “nobodies” who are abused (often the most vulnerable members of our communities who don’t have powerful families, financial resources, or impressive professional titles).

I've had my faith and hope in this community shattered a few times, and every time God somehow found a way to remind me that there are still beautiful people out there who are true seekers. They aren't the ones with the followers and fans and financial ties to their religion or spirituality. More often than not, the modern-day companions of the Prophet (the ones he referred to as his brothers and sisters he hadn't yet met) are those who keep their good deeds concealed and remain patient in the face of oppression. Their words aren't tweet-worthy and there are no fun perks to being their friends. They treat their family members and parents better than anyone else. They are known for their honesty and trustworthiness. On the day our Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was born, I pray we are all able to take a moment to be truthful with ourselves about the state of our hearts. Where are we not truthful? What steps must we take to embody more honesty and trustworthiness? Where is our faith hurting? How are we in community? What are our own hierarchies of values? How can we be better believers?

Salam.

P.S. I share these thoughts selfishly because they continue to occupy my mind. I release them here so that I no longer carry the burden of their release. I’m not spiritually superior for writing this. Most know my deep struggles with my faith.

#islam #muslims #muslim community #taleef #usama canon

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thedcdunce · 5 years

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Nemesis

“This was a bad idea. I guess that's what happens when you let a stripper play psychiatrist.” - Nemesis

Real Name: Lady Charis of the Adrastea

Aliases:

Charis

Gender: Female

Height: 5′ 10″

Weight: 192 lbs (87 kg)

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Black

Powers:

Kherubim Physiology

Abilities:

Hand-to-Hand Combat (Advanced)

Thievery

Swordsmanship

Weaknesses:

Mental Illness

Equipment:

Stealth Suit

Pegasus

Creation Engine Blades

Genetic Concussion Grenades

Universe: Wildstorm Universe

Origin: Formerly a lowly thief of her people, Nemesis fell in love with Majestic and trained in the arts of the Coda.

Citizenship: American

Marital Status: Single

Occupation:

Adventurer

Warrior

Education: Educated in the ways of the Coda

First Appearance: Wildcats: Nemesis #1 (November, 2005)

Powers

Kherubim Physiology: Kherubim resemble humans in appearance, but are physically far stronger and more durable and extremely long-lived, nearly immortal. However an evolutionary drawback to their near-immortality is that Kherans are almost infertile, only very rarely will a Kheran produce offspring. This effect is seen in real world natural environments, as longer living organisms will have fewer offspring than organisms with short lifespans. This is a natural check against overpopulation.

Enhanced Senses: Charis has very high levels of senses. most notably sight and hearing. She is easily at human peak as far as her ability to note detailed objects. Her hearing on the other hand is very enhanced.

Immortality: As a Kheran, Charis possesses virtual immortality. Her race is extremely long lived and she has been on Earth for literally the whole of human civilization and is showing no sign of growing old anytime soon.

Enhanced Healing

Enhanced Durability: As a Kheribum she is very very tough and durable. A regular bullet and gun will not adequately harm her and her skin could be considered super hard and dense to a normal human.

Enhanced Speed

Telekinesis

Telepathy

Enhanced Strength: As a Kheran, Charis is naturally stronger then a normal human. She can lift/press up to two tons of weight with effort and in addition to this, knows how to best apply her strength.

Empathy: As an Adrastean, she has psychic powers, the strongest of these being empathy, allowing her to sense others by sensing their feelings, as well as learn their past and secret desires among other things.

Abilities

Hand-to-Hand Combat (Advanced): Charis was trained as a Coda so she is a spectacular fighter in both armed and unarmed combat.

Thievery

Swordsmanship

Weaknesses

Mental Illness: If she comes into contact the body of a murder victim, her empathetic ability causes her to experience the feelings of pain and horror of the person who died and compel her to avenge them.

Equipment

Stealth Suit: She also wears a special stealth suit that lets her create forcefields.

Force Field

Pegasus: An assault hover-bike made from the finest technologies presumably from Khera, Daemon and earth; capable of launching ranged plasma blasts or mounting pickup upon voice command.

Creation Engine Blades: When fighting, Charis wields two blades forged from shards of the Creation Engine that can cut through any material in the universe.

Genetic Concussion Grenades: Pieces of Kherubim ordinance that, once after detonation, horribly wrought ones genetic structure beyond comprehension. Agonizingly warping the recipients bodies apart as their D.N.A caustically disintegrates.

History

Nemesis was born Charis, a member of the Adrastea. They are like the normal Kherubim but they all have psychic powers. The group was originally a slave caste but became a powerful underground criminal organization.

Charis' first chronological appearance was when she met Mister Majestic on Khera. At the time, she was trying to steal his weapon so she could sell it after. After he caught her, they soon became friends and lovers, and Majestic was able to get her Coda training, something an Adrastean like Charis was normally not allowed due to intense discrimination. Unfortunately, since Charis was an Adrastea, Majestic being with her was frowned upon so they had to stay together in secret. However, their secret wasn't as well hidden as they thought. Kheran politicians, trying to make peace for their planet, chose Majestic to sleep with Zealot, an act that would unite the two most powerful factions on the planet, the Pantheon and the Coda. Majestic felt it was his duty as a Kherubim to do what he was asked of him for the sake of Khera, but the politicians would have blackmailed him by threatening to tell others about Charis if he didn't. Because of his "duty" Majestic and Charis separated, though they still loved each other. They ended up on Earth together though when their ship crashed on the planet.

Charis was part of the Coda on Earth but was betrayed by another faction, the Brotherhood of the Blade. The Brotherhood had joined with some rogue Daemonites in a plan to overthrow both their people. The first step of this plan was to kill hundreds of Coda and frame Charis. They did, leaving only Charis alive among the original Coda. After this, both Zealot and Majestic swore to hunt down Charis, not knowing that she had also sworn to avenge her sisters. The whole betrayal had taken place in Ancient Greece, and Nemesis hadn't been seen since. However, she appeared under the radar in Europe, Japan, and American under various monikers, killing Daemonite enclaves, encountering figures like Majestic and Sherlock Holmes along the way. It wasn't until 2005 that she fully showed up again.

Majestic, Zealot, and the other Wildcats with them, found Nemesis in the middle of killing some Brotherhood assassins, though the Wildcats didn't know that was who they were. She had been hunting and killing Brotherhood members since the betrayal in Greece. After she had killed them, the Wildcats tried to stop her from kidnapping a child that was with the men, but Nemesis made short work of the team. She even managed to cut Majestic with a sword. She escaped with the child but Majestic and the team eventually found her.

Before the Wildcats could arrive tough, Daemonites found Charis and Kara and managed to take them by surprise, but she was able to hold her own until Majestic arrived looking to take Kara back and to kill Charis. After surrounding herself and Kara with a forcefield, Charis blew up the building, with Daemonites and Majestic caught in the explosion. Majestic survived though and used his former relationship with Nemesis to take her down.

Majestros took both of them to a Halo Corporation building in New York City. While there, Charis revealed the truth behind her “betrayal” and also explained what was going on with the girl. The Brotherhood had been mutating humanity since they had betrayed the Coda and their people in Ancient Greece. The girl was created as an activator to trigger the mutations so Nemesis was keeping her safe so the Brotherhood couldn't use her to control humanity. Majestic and Zealot accepted her story, but before Nemesis could be released, a Brotherhood spacecraft emerged from a bleed portal and fired hundreds of projectiles into the Halo building with the Wildcats inside.

The projectiles were Scimitars, Brotherhood/Shaper hybrids, living weapons born and bred to kill. Majestros saved Nemesis at the last minute from being cut in half by a Scimitar. While Majestic was fighting some of the Scimitars, Kara was kidnapped and the Bladeship attacked. After the Brotherhood ship bombarded the building with plasma canons, Charis was the last one standing, thanks to her force field. Following the Scimitar that had captured Kara onto the ship, she came face to face with Raven, the leader of the Brotherhood. She was too late to stop him from activating the girl, and the resulting blast knocked her off the flying ship and to the ground. When she awoke, she was with Majestic, Zealot, Grifter and Savant. It was then that Majestic and Zealot called a truce with Nemesis and offered her the chance to finally avenge her slain sisters of the Coda. Majestic, Nemesis and the Wildcats battled the human mutates in New York City, while other Wildstorm teams fought mutates all over America.

Savant located the Brotherhood's battleship in space, and teleported all the Wildcats using the Halo teleportation system. On board they found that Raven had the entire population of New Jersey frozen in status pods as hostages. He was ready to kill them if the Wildcats didn't surrender. Nemesis, being a Coda warrior, was unable to surrender, and threw out some special grenades, taking out the Brotherhood and buying time for her to send the hostages back to Earth and set the ship to self-destruct. Nemesis was able to locate Kara and free her, but she was attacked by a Daemonite and was about to be shot. Grifter, deeply in lust with Nemesis, took the hit for her. Savant tried to teleport the team back, but there weren't enough beacons to get them all back, so Nemesis gave hers to Kara. She also gave Grifter a goodbye kiss and told Zealot to tell Majestros that had she not sacrificed herself, she would have showed him what he had been missing for the past three millenia.

After the Wildcats were gone, Charis faced off against Raven. Raven also had a blade forged from the material that allowed Charis' blade to cut through anything, so when they fought, it was especially dangerous. They fought and Nemesis won, but in killing Raven, she had damaged the ship and she was sucked out into open space. It was then that Majestic returned, saving her from certain death since the forcefields she had activated when she was sucked out, were losing power. Back at the Halo Corporation building in New York City, Majestros asked Charis to stay with him and be with him as well as join the Wildcats. She turned him down, and after one last kiss went on her way to more adventures. Nemesis, now armed with two indestructible blades was on her own once again.

Armageddon & Revelations

After some time the Void contacted Nemesis to inform her of the on-coming cataclysm that would bring about Armageddon. Void transports Nemesis to a future where the majority of the Earth is destroyed by powerful metahumans. Furthermore, she discovered that Majestros became a mad tyrant and sought to rebuild a "New Khera" on the ruined Earth, while becoming enemies of the Wildcats. Returning to her own time Nemesis joins forces with Savant and Backlash in an attempt to stop that dark future from happening. Ultimately their lead led to a hidden missile bunker in western Utah and discovered that the American government had been weaponizing clones of The High known as Reapers. With the silo destroyed and having killed off a escaped Reaper, Nemesis was rescued by Mister Majestic. However, on the next day she realized too late that the destruction of the silo wasn't able to prevent the inevitable apocalypse, culminating into the events of Number of the Beast.

World's End

Nemesis found herself with the Wildcats when Armageddon hit, and guiltily believed that she herself allowed the cataclysm to happen. She stayed with them for a while, battling against Majestic who had begun a new Kheran empire on the islands of Hawaii. Majestic offered for her to join him in his new empire but she refused. However, after a battle against Lord Defile and his Daemonites, Nemesis and Jodi Slayton decided to take Majestic's offer and left the Wildcats to join him.

However, it was later revealed that Nemesis and Jodi's reason for coming to "New Khera" as they were blackmailed by Majestic as he has been imprisoning Savant for the means of breeding pure Kherubim "heirs" via test tubes. Furthermore, Savant was also imprison for learning that there was something other than Armageddon that driven Majestic to go mad. After the Wildcats came to rescue the three women, Majestic attempted to stop them. Nemesis, alone, fought Majestic in order to gave time for the others to escape. As the two reluctantly fought, their fight brought them over to a active volcano in which Nemesis decides to sacrifice herself to kill her lover into the volcano. However, after the two plunge into the volcano's lava, Majestic was the first to emerge alive and believes that Nemesis didn't survive, forcing him to briefly take his anger on the Wildcats. Majestic later returned to the place of Nemesis' supposed death and had been searching vainly for her trace, but finds only her swords.

Unbeknownst to anyone, Nemesis was saved by someone when she fell into the volcano. Whoever saved her told her that she could have whatever she wanted and what she wanted most was Majestic. She came to UnLondon among the gathered heroes that were notified of the chance to leave Earth on the Authority's Carrier. Following the Carrier's departure and during the Knights of Khera's attack, Nemesis remained hidden throughout the conflict and rescued a wounded Majestic who was impaled in the neck by Sebastian. She took him to be recuperate at his Mount Rushmore hideout and chosen to keep the mute/paralyzed Majestic against his will to conceive a child she desires, which would take years or more to conceive according to their Kherubim physiology. It became apparent that Nemesis's sudden change of personality is being controlled apparently by the individual who rescued her. After the three months period of Earth's restoration, Nemesis finally became pregnant. She then decided that Majestic is in no condition to be a father, and sought the one who rescued her from the volcano to be her unborn child's father figure instead.

Fun Facts

Nemesis once fell in love with Charles de Batz-Castelmore d'Artagnan, who was also the basis for one of Alexandre Dumas' The Three Musketeers character. She regretted being immortal while seeing him growing up to his old age.

It is stated in the 1939 edition of the Planetary Guide, that its author had personally met Nemesis.

Nemesis was an acquaintance of Detective Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson.

Nemesis sailed on the RMS Titanic and fought Daemonite/Brotherhood assassins who were responsible for sinking the ship.

According to Nemesis, she actually served as the inspiration to or the actual Greek Goddess of Vengeance in ancient times.

#nemesis #lady charis of the adrastea #charis #wildcats #WildC.A.T.s #the coda #dc #DC comics #thedcdunce

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kaijuzilla · 5 years

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MOD REVIEW: Godzilla King of the Monsters (2019)

*This contain spoilers so if you want to avoid it then please do no continue reading this post.*

“Which of these Titans are here to threaten us, and which of these Titans are here to protect us...”

Where can I start.... The moment when I saw the trailer in college in spring time 2019, I was excited and hype for this film. And when me and my friend went to see it and got out:

THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING!!!

I really don’t get it whats with critics on this movie but as a fan and going all honest this movie is a good Godzilla movie! The director or the person behind this movie Mike Dougherty, took all the problems from the 2014 film, fixing it, added some awesome stuff, and this movie was born! Along with that we got Mothra who looks more insect appearance but still majestic beauty, Ghidorah who is freaking terrifying and making this the scariest and coolest Ghidorah, and Rodan who is on fire and is hot! Also he gives me a starscream vibe as well which everyone said same thing.

The plot tells that things are happening and citizens are blaming the Godzilla and Monarch for this disasters which they go on a riot to say that all of the monsters must be destroy. But Monarch refuses and wanted theses creatures to live because “they deserve the right to live” since they live here before us. Basically which one is here to live with us in harmony and which one is here to kill us. The people still think they should kill them but Serizawa still believes theses creatures are good on the inside and not monsters and wanted humans and monsters in a symbiotic relationship. Suddenly one of the scientist broke the Monarch code by releasing Ghidorah and is up to Monarch and Godzilla to stop the Monsters from creating disaster.

I also think the humans are actually alright in this movie than the 2014. But the 2014 film has one great actor who delivers it well but die later which kind of lost the character knowing them well because he’s like the most recognizable character and so does Serizawa. But this movie we learn about (some) of the characters more! Yes there are alot of characters in this movie and I think they’re all alright.

There’s also this Eco-terrorist group who wanted to free all these monsters from their cages and take their DNA for black market like those people from Pacific Rim. Also their goal got to success t release them all when Ghidorah calls all of them when crowned himself king. TBH do they even think that when these monsters are destroying every humanity they are gonna be kill too? Like really Ghidorah is the one that causes the planet Venus lifeless and you’re it’s next target.

One thing that got me like shock is that Serizawa assistants just die early int he film which just shock me alot. I kind of wanted to know about her character and why and how she became Serizawa assistant.

I’m also glad Mark Russell who is played by Kyle Chandler, who is a zoologist gets a character development in the film because from the beginning he hated Godzilla because he lost his son in the disaster of 2014 if San Francisco from the MUTOs (I’m not only one who notice those red military light guys falling from the sky from the beginning of the movie right?). Which close to end of the movie he learned that Godzilla is good and began to accept him. (Also makes me learn how alpha or hunting packs work)

Dr Emma Russel who played by Vera Farmiga, where her character is she is good (1) but she thinks she’s doing a good which made her the villian (2) thing but turns out bad so go back to being good (3). (1) she made this ORCA where it help control the titan by doing an alpha frequency thing which works on Mothra and Rodan and Ghidorah, (2) when she was caught by the Eco terrorist and see that releasing titans and radioactivity in San Francisco making plant life grow back which see human are infection decided to release and try release all titans to help restore balance to humanity and think this is what her son wanted (Ghidorah was second), (3) Ghidorah turns out to release all titans and controlling them all to destroy everything and learn that this isn’t good and Madison (her daughter) straight her out that this isn’t what will bring harmony or give what her dead son want to the world.

Did I mention there’s a prequel of this movie before it was released and it’s a comic? This is a same thing like Godzilla Awakening which we learn that Godzilla is an ancient apex predator that loves for many years that went to the center of the earth for radiation because the radiation on the surface of Earth is low. BUT THIS MOVIE TELLS US THERE ARE 17 TITANS/KAIJUS AROUND THE WORLD!!! They also involved in histories like mythology creatures (because they’re named after them or some) where it’s goes to saying that people sees them as gods. And this is reveled when Godzilla is laying to rest in this underwater city which is probably Atlantis? Where it show that people back then sees them as gods which is really cool and i want to know more about this. TBH if this happens in real life this could possibly happen in the past if these monsters exist.

One thing it’s very strange we see a bigger hunch spiky back Femuto again. It’s because we thought those babies and the two MUTOS are last of their kind from the 2014 film, and the Prime was killed in the comics as well. And this one isn’t pregnant which also bow down to Godzilla too. But I will say out of all Kaiju the Behemoth is the strange but one of my favorite kaiju design. Maybe because it’s a mammal and it’s so rare to see a mammal kaiju since it’s mostly Insects, Aliens, Amphibians, Birds, Fish, and Reptiles. We do see some on screen but in the novel tells us what the other titans are doing around the world. Surprising fact the Leviathan outpost in in Loch Ness meaning that Nessie is a kaiju or something!?

One thing that make the monsters amazing by their designs but also their facial expression which gives them more life and not Disney Lion King live action movie lifeless expression. We understand their emotion by their facial expression and not their voice.

We see Godzilla just showing intimidation to people and King Ghidorah who they both showing high level of intimidation! Also Ghidorah head that represent their personality are good and there’s reason why Kevin is the dumb one. Because the heart is on the right side of the body the right and middle get more blood to their brains while the left side aka Kevin get less blood in his brain (My friend explain this after the movie). And when Rodan got stab by Mothra stinger (which my friend also explain that Moths do have stingers IRL but never uses them because they don’t harm any creature and are like butterflies and bee hybrid like insects) he was showing that “anime pain gasp shock eye facial expression” because DAM right into the shoulder!!! Which then when he tries to challenge Godzilla for the throne he was like “aw hell sorry my king please forgive me I Starscream knee before you Megaton!!!”

Before I close to finish it off I want to say again Ghidorah in this film is the most scariest and terrifying monster of all time! The moment he survive the oxygen destroyer was so suprise he survive and Godzilla has a heart attack. The moment when Kevin head grows back after ripped off was just horrifying and just HOLY SHIT moment. Even seeing him as he crown himself the king now as he roar so lod showing the church is like we’re seeing the Devil begin the end life on Earth! Even when his history was meant to be erase and forgotten in the past is a surprising. Just glad they stick to alien and not bio genetic creature from the future that makes him look like a vampire furby baby face (I will admit the Dorats look cute).

Also one question....how dafug did the government military manage to make the Oxygen Destroyer. Yes it’s a prototype but if this is a prototype does this mean the perfect Oxygen Destroyer become Destroyah later on. Also you think the monster causes problem, that bomb kill alot of fish population right there! But during the film Serizawa sacrifice himself to save Godzilla by bringing the atomic nuclear bomb to blow up to help recharge his nuclear energy aka giving him some juice to make him stronger.

What make this movie fun is jsut there’s so many easter eggs in this movie! I spotted some but i bet there’s more somewhere that youtube explained see: Roidan is making nest at MT Fuji (Rodan movie), Twins and Infant Island (Mothra), Kong is poted and mention alot in the film which also leading to Kong vs Godzilla, Monster Zero, (again) The Leviathan is Nessie from Loch Ness, Mecha Kevin, 2014 sky falling scene, Mothra wing represent Godzilla eyes, Mothra egg after she die but chances maybe minilla or junior, A mysterious skeleton at Godzilla lair. That’s all i got so far. but idk if the sphinx would count because that is actually like a cancel 1998 Godzilla aka Zilla movie sequel.

What also surprising is that Godzilla and Mothra are actually a thing together! And tbh for the longest time I ship theses two (haven’t ship for a long LONG time)! it explain it’s a “symbiotic” relationship but still it’s cute.

Ok now the probably the best part of the movie is the monster fight scene. It’ss just so amazing what theses things can actually do on screens. Just when Godzilla and Ghidorah fight the third time they just charged to each other causing this huge shockwave boom that shook the sky! Rodan just peck the HELL out at Ghidorah when they first met! Mothra (again) Stab Rodan giving him the worst pain of his life on his shoulder! Kevin head ripped off! (Kevin nooooo), and the final part of the movie. Mothra Die from Ghidorah when protecting her Lamp Husband!

But the part when Godzilla when thermal nuclear aka BURNING GODZILLA!!! HE FUCKING BURNS THE WINGS ON GHIDORAHS WINGS LEAVING NOTHING BUT IT’S FINGERS THINGS!!! GHIDORAH TRY TO FIGHT BACK BUT IT’S NOT WORKING AND GODZILLA PULSES AGAIN DISINTEGRATE KEVIN AND RIGHT HEAD LEAVING THE ALPHA HEAD ALONE AND JUST CRUSH IT’S CHEST OPEN KILLING IT AND CREATE HUGE A EXPLOSION!!!!!!

Ok we’re at the ending a- OMG HE SURVIVED!? NOPE!!! GODZILLA RIP THE HEAD OFF AND SMACKING IT DOWN AS IT STILL ALIVE WHICH HE IS EATING THE NECK! TO FINISH IT OFF IT CHARGES IT’S ATOMIC BREATH AND SHOOT THE HEAD TO THE SKY!!!!

THIS IS WHY GODZILLA IS THE TRUE KING OF THE MONSTERS!

He fought something that could out class him and dominates it, No matter how must of a pain he’s in he still stands tall, he continues fighting and not retreat and rematch again (Gamera)!

That is the coolest death kill ever and turns out the spark from the mouth was actually a burp which is funny. Don’t believe me? go to Mike Dougherty twitter he tells everything about the movie.

Now the one part that makes me want to react with the other titans too which i feel like all Godzilla fans did too in the theaters because i got the same feeling to just wanting to bow down to Godzilla for some reason? Just when Madison (Mark and Emma daughter who is Millie Brown from Stranger Thing as Eleven) uses the ORCA to bring all titans to Boston. They all arrive seeing their king to be dead by Godzilla which looks liek they’re all about to challenge him, even Rodan look piss off for he want to fight for his fallen king death. He tells them to back the fuck down which Rodan being the Starscream dude he is bows down before his true king and so does (mostly) everyone, even the Femuto who is the natural enemies to his species bows before him! This turned all the titans good and help bring amazing impact around the world: Amazon Rainforests that was wiped out are growing back, endanger animals are off the endanger list, stabilized world sea levels from Antarctica, fish population rises too, etc...

Then there is the after credit where the leader of the Eco terrorist finds Kevin and is going to take his head. And also show many hits saying seismic activity at Skull Island and show cave painting of Kong and Godzilla fighting each other!

This is what “which titans is here to threaten us, and which titans are here to protect us.” from the beginning. There are two kings and one of the is a false king who call himself king and wants to bring destruction to everything it sees. Godzilla job as an apex predator is to bring balance to nature and humanity as a True King to the throne. If any one of them go out of Godzilla rules then they will be slap to their head.

So then that is King of the Monsters and it still a great film! I still can’t believe critics say “too much monster fight scene” and blah blah blah they don’t know what a Godzilla film actually is tbh! This movie did amazing and even thought there’s some problems it still make a good movie. I will give it an:

8 or 7 out of 10

If you want to watch this I would recommend watching old godzilla films which also count kong, mothra, and rodan before you see this film but for a quickie i would recommend Godzilla Awakening, Godzilla (2014), Skull Island: Birth of Kong, Kong Skull Island, and Godzilla Aftershock to get to know the movie and the Monsterverse. There’s also the novel too which holds more information that didn’t get on screen and it’s low price and it’s good. I really wanted to get off my chest and it just so good! i think next review I might do Endgame maybe?

#Godzilla King of the Monsters #Godzilla #kaiju #mod #mod review

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