I'm thinking about Kakuzu and Hidan and nail polish because ofc I am, and no I don't actually want it to be a jutsu, I want all the Akatsuki to do it the hard way

Kakuzu

he learns quickly and doesn't see why others have trouble with it - especially Hidan

he does one coat and one coat only, to save up, luckily the stuff they all use is quite opaque

he's good at not getting any polish on his fingers, again, cause he wants the bottle to last as long as possible

he doesn't need his hands to turn pages while he reads, he can use his tendrils for that, so he does his nails before reading time and lets them dry

he's grateful for the dark brown, the only thing that would be worse than being partnered with Hidan would have been ending up with one of the bright colors that other Akatsuki members got

Hidan: "So there's something worse than being partnered with me?~ <3" to which Kakuzu glares

Kakuzu won't use nail polish remover cause that costs extra, he waits for that one coat to chip to the point that there's only a little bit left in the middle, and paints a new coat on top of that, and ends up with a number of bumpy layers

he's just efficient at it, it doesn't really look all that great from up close

Hidan

he absolutely sucks at painting his nails. absolutely sucks

no patience, no focus, he'll do one nail and then he'll go "Hey Kakuzu!!" cause he's already done a whole entire nail and he's bored

Kakuzu is still trying to think of some kind of way to get Hidan to associate nail polish with Jashin-sama, but no luck yet, that dark green shade is to blame, why didn't they give him red to remind him of blood? white to remind him of bones?

at one point Hidan learns to weaponize his crappy nail painting skills and make Kakuzu do his nails for him

but not by complimenting him on how much better he is, Hidan already knows that flattery won't get him anywhere - instead he "accidentally" knocks over the bottle and lets it spill, and after a very unpleasant lecture about wasting the product, Kakuzu accepts the reality that it won't get done without him

and the perfect time for that is when Hidan is lying down in his prayer circle

Hidan doesn't really start praying until Kakuzu is done painting his nails though, he likes to watch Kakuzu focus on him so intensely, just like when he stitches him up, and most importantly, he loves knowing that Kakuzu would never ever do this for anyone else <3

Very Random Akatsuki Headcanons

Sasori would 100% have a garden, and most of the stuff he grows would be illegal or highly toxic. He would ask Zetsu for tips a lot and force Deidara to help him weed it even though Deidara will LOUDLY complain about it the whole time. Sasori will gently sing to/ talk to his plants when he thinks no one is looking.

Kisame the type to nag others about how important it is to drink water and stay hydrated but. He has never fully finished one single bottle of water. Any place they are, you can immediately tell that Kisame’s been there because every surface area will have plastic water bottles sitting on it with various levels of water in them.

Hidan has many, many bad teeth, mostly in the back of his mouth. Missing, chipped, cavities or straight rotting. Always in some level of pain but never seeks out help because you know, Lord Jashin encourages personal suffering. Was finally tentacle-held to a chair by Kakuzu and forced to let Sasori do what repair work he could after the others got tired of hearing him curse and grumble all night over his mouth pain. Absolutely loves his new smile afterwards but never admits it.

Every single member of the Akatsuki has at some point had a crush on Konan. Including Zetsu. But it went away once each member started seeing her as a sister or mother figure. The only one it didn’t go away for is Nagato, but he’d never admit his true feelings because he values their friendship and working relationship too much.

Itachi likes to collect rocks. He’s an amateur geologist and enjoys finding different types of stones when he’s out on missions. The others learn this about him and will sometimes take the time after missions or when traveling to pick up “pretty” rocks to bring back to him.

Deidara has a lot of anxiety and restlessness, and keeping himself busy alleviates that. He prefers doing things with his hands which is why he’s always making little sculptures with his clay. If no clay is available he’ll tap or drum his fingers on things or fiddle with his hair. The faster his fingers move it means the more anxious he feels. Sasori would get annoyed by this behavior so he created for Dei what would essentially be a ninja world version of a fidget-spinner. Deidara loved it and he makes sure to pack it with him whenever he leaves on missions.

Nagato’s fingers are often bloody because he’s a nail-biter to the extreme. He’ll chomp those things down right to the quick of the finger. The others will “gift” him gloves to try and prevent this from happening, and it’ll work for while, but sooner or later he’s right back at it again.

Deidara once gained ten pounds in two months because Tobi kept convincing him to stop at sweets cafes while they were out traveling, and then to have seconds and thirds of whatever they were eating.

Kakuzu figured out that Hidan didn’t know how to read when Hidan would avoid looking at the map on missions and kept giving Kakuzu wrong information about sign posts along roads. After a lot of convincing that he wasn’t “making fun of him”, Kakuzu finally got Hidan to let him teach him basic reading and math skills over the course of a year.

When Orochimaru was a part of the Akatsuki, one day he managed to get Konan alone and was hitting on her in a very creepy Jiraiya-esque way. Turns out that he was merely trying to get her to trust him so that, when he ultimately left the Akatsuki, he would be able to convince her to follow so he could study her body and paper-jutsu. Having had no close experiences with women other than Tsunade, who always responded favorably to flirtatious behavior, he’d assumed that this was how ALL women would react. If Itachi hadn’t driven Oro away, Konan would have blindsided and killed him first.

Nagato (in a Pein body) gave the sex talk to Deidara, Hidan and Itachi. All three of them hadn’t the slightest clue about how anything worked in that regard. Sasori gave him diagrams out of his medical books to aid in his talk. Nagato kept having to add on to his talk because of the questions. “What if you’re a guy who likes guys? How does that work?” “What if you don’t like anyone like that, or you don’t want to ever do those kind of things; is that okay?”

In strong sunlight:

Konan burns bright red.

Itachi and Hidan brown.

Zetsu withers.

Nagato dehydrates within two minutes. As does Kisame.

Deidara sprouts freckles.

Sasori smells like a fire.

Obito and his Hashirama cell DNA photosynthesize like a damn tree.

Kakuzu also turns into a freckle-factory but because his skin is already so dark, it’s unnoticeable.

Sasori has fairly moderate misophonia and especially can’t stand the sound of people chewing. It was one of his primary reasons for turning his body into a puppet; so he no longer had to endure the sound of himself eating. He thought he’d died and gone to hell when he found out that Deidara chews food with all three mouths.

Deidara likes Tobi to read to him at night. It gives him a very comfortable sleepy feeling. The more Deidara nods off the more Tobi lets his voice become more natural/Obito. This is pleasant to Obito because doing the “Tobi voice” all day puts a huge strain on his throat, so it’s nice to be able to break character once in a while and speak normally.

Hidan is extremely sensitive to the cold and will do anything to avoid having to travel or do missions in the winter.

Konan has kept a diary of her life ever since she was a child. She picked up the habit of writing during the period when Jiraiya was staying with/watching over her, Nagato and Yahiko.

Deidara developed a hell of a crush on Kakashi after “meeting” and getting his arms blown off by him and the Konoha nin. He’d gush about Kakashi for days afterward … to Tobi. Tobi who had to grit his teeth and not start screaming over how Kakashi unintentionally attracted everyone that Obito was ever interested in.

Best Smelling to Worst Smelling:

Konan

Tobi/Obito

Deidara

Kakuzu

Kisame

Zetsu

Itachi (would be higher but often smells like strong, bitter medicine and night-sweats)

Nagato (his actual body, not a Pein body)

Hidan and Sasori tie for worst because both smell like blood and corpses

Obito never killed his grandmother during the Uchiha massacre. He used a very powerful jutsu to erase her memory and then relocate her to a place in a village far away that took care of the elderly. He pays the facility with the money he earns/steals during missions, and every so often he’ll go and visit her at night, when she’s alone in her room. She doesn’t know who he is and just thinks that he’s a nice young man that’s there because he’s visiting somebody else.

Kisame loves to bake. It started because he was worried over Itachi being so thin and never seeming to want to eat anything other than desserts. So Kisame taught himself how to make cakes and pies and cookies, etc. Over time it became a zen-like activity to him that helps him relax and clear his head when he’s stressed out.

Kakuzu is as vain over his hair as Deidara is over his own. At least once a week they’ll get together and give each other trims and deep conditioning treatments. Sometimes Itachi will join if he feels up to it. Hidan mocks them for this but is secretly trying to grow his hair longer so that he can join them.

How The Akatsuki Reacts to Their Partner Telling Them That They’re “In The Mood.”

Deidara: Obito … I want to do it with you. Like now.

Obito: Now you know how I feel literally every single second that I spend in your presence.

Obito: Deidara, do you feel like — ?

Deidara: Okay but can it wait like twenty minutes? I want to finish this sculpture, hm.

Deidara: Danna, you haven’t “had” me in a while, hm. Isn’t it about time we spent some “special time” together?

Sasori: I’m a bit busy at the moment. But you have mouths on your hands, I’m sure you can figure something out.

Sasori: Deidara, I have some free time tonight, and I was wondering if you’d want to have —

Deidara: *already naked and in Sasori’s bed* 

Hidan: Old bastard, I’m fuckin’ horny.

Kakuzu: *points at the chart* Pick what you want and pay the fee first.

Kakuzu: Oi, brat; I put new sheets on the bed. Come help me break them in.

Hidan: Hold on, I need to pray to Jashin so he won’t send me to hell for screwin’ a heathen.

Kisame: Itachi, my love; would you feel up to a bit of “playtime” before we sleep?

Itachi: It would be my honor to consummate our love.

Itachi: Kisame, I’m not tired but I wish for you to take me to bed.

Kisame: Have you taken your meds today? Are you properly rested and hydrated? Is your breathing stable? What about —

Nagato: Konan, you’re beautiful. Please may I have the privilege of experiencing that beauty up-close? Mm?

Konan: Alright but you need to take it slow this time; I’m not carrying you to Sasori in the middle of the night with sprained hips again.

Konan: Nagi … my body is craving some time with your body ~

Nagato: Okay but can you use a smaller … you know … this time? Last time I couldn’t properly sit for a week.

Smth old, but cute

My friend have a headcanon that Kakuzu has space for fun things between the seams.

I JUST WOKE UP AND SAW A DREAM WHERE I WAS HIDAN AND THERE WAS KAKUZU DRINKING LIQUOR OR SUM AND THEN SUDDENLY THEY STARTED MAKING OUT ???????

then kakuzuz just WALKED AWAY and gave me(hidan) a black cat😭🤲

₊˚♡˚₊ been thinking on love languages & faith recently & that led me to Hidan headcanons because I'm a weeaboo w/ no limits ig ₊˚♡˚₊

₊˚♡˚₊ just a word salad post about Hidan and how (I think) he loves ₊˚♡˚₊

Tags: Hidan, a little angst? maybe?, this can be kakuhida or reader-insert or anything really- ball's in ya'll's court on that one

Hidan's love comes in the form of his faith, because that's the one way he knows how to communicate it. it's nagging, it's demanding, it pushes boundaries without consideration.

to proselytise is to extend his hand and offer you a chance at eternal life, free from the constraints of mortality that would eventually take you from his side. maybe it's done in part to spread the word of his god, but it's also something done out of love.

a follower of the faith of slaughter and suffering, his love is in his blood.

how is he meant to enjoy eternal life when he lives with the knowledge that anyone he might dare to love, or even care for, will face a short existence that ends in the punishment of suffering with no meaning?

to Hidan, love is a gamble that, when looked at in terms of risk versus reward, bears all the risk and none of the reward.

because he exists in a burning house where his hand is extended, open and waiting to be taken, just so you might be saved, with all his knowing that you would sooner succumb to the fire than accept salvation.

does his heart ever fight his faith when you stray too close to death? knowing that in your final hour, you might meet his eye and ask him, 'how could you not have told me, that i could have been saved?' or worse, you might accept the finality of your short life, and go quietly into that goodnight?

an eternal existence separate from any he might ever love, because he- the breathing evidence of a power higher than you and himself and anyone -failed to convince you that Lord Jashin is waiting, His arms wide open, if only you could open your eyes, and please, just accept Him?

I think Hidan gives his love the way one might lay an offering to the altar, a token given in the hopes that his prayers are answered and you walk the path alongside him, so that he might not be forced to lose the one thing that ever managed to sink its roots into his heart.

it's desperate, it's insistent, because it's your blood that laves his tongue, stains his hands, when you turn your face from the gift of life eternal, from the god that's always desperate to grant such a priceless gift as that. heavy are the shoulders that bear the burden of a duty flippantly rejected. all he ever wanted, was to save you.

what a visceral pain it is, to have ever let himself love.

Ok character meme thingy: Kakuzu!!! 🥺🫀

THANK GOD and thank You !

favorite thing about them: oh my god hi where does one start. the love of my life. UM. this is going to be a comparatively superficial answer but he's so fucking powerful. why is he so powerful. it was INSANE of kishimoto to just throw this guy into the series where the ONLY way he could be taken down was with a jutsu that SEVERED HIS ENTIRE CHAKRA NETWORK IN A SINGLE BLOW. he rips people's still beating hearts out of their rib cages with his Bare Hand because somehow he can turn his entire body into the hardest material on earth. he beat people up with a briefcase. he doesn't have a skeleton he's made of living spaghetti. he spent half of the two fights he was in just strangling people looking downright bored. my favorite thing about him is everything about him but this is what i'm talking about today. also he's hot send tweet.

least favorite thing about them: no there isn't one. my least favorite thing about him is how he was treated in the story. my least favorite thing is that he WAS that powerful and they killed him in a 16 episode arc. my least favorite thing is he fought the first god damn hokage and we don't ever get to hear about it.

favorite line:

brOTP: yeah so deidara, it's strange that the akatsuki hardly ever talk to each other outside of meetings and their partners BUT it's canon that kakuzu had to reattach deidara's arms. i imagine they had to talk about something, find the time and place to meet. and i think it pisses hidan off because i KNOW he was with them and they were probably both ganging up on him. kakuzu was like 'finally someone i can be bitchy with' and deidara was like 'finally someone who's not just bitchy to me !'

OTP: look. kakuhida changed my life for the worse probably. kakuzu being notorious for killing his partners, assigned a partner he Can't Kill and yet how often does he try? instead he puts him back together, warns him to watch his back. he does like everything hidan asks him to "stay out of the fight" and he does, even if it's just to prove a point "come help" and he does. this otherwise cruel and relentless man, being so uncharacteristically Caring towards the most annoying man in the world. cept that it's not uncharacteristic at all, cause he does it all the time

nOTP: wow don't see a lot of kakuzu ships. hashirama is common but i wouldn't say it's a notp. just. why waste you time on that guy. saw him with tenten one, thought that was fucked up. i don't think him and deidara make sense if not platonically but i guess i've seen it a couple times too.... not a lot of kakuzu ships out there. tumblr's gonna take this as a sign to recommend me the most rancid kakuzu ships i can tell. maybe i'll have an update in a couple weeks.

random headcanon: he Definitely has lots of medical knowledge. and i didn't mention it in hidan's post but i think they both do. but with kakuzu basically being a frankenstein experiment, having knowledge about the vascular system makes sense. and the fact that he's regularly reattaching body parts he has to know SOMETHING past the basics

unpopular opinion: my unpopular opinion is that i love him 😭 gotta be one of the Least liked akatsuki members

song i associate with them: i couldn't explain it if i tried. hallowed be thy name iron maiden

favorite picture of them:

i'm gay. thanks for your time

y'all can still send more i could do this forever

Hi :0, new follower here! I hope you don't mind this ask not being creepypasta related :'), just came here to say your art is so delicious and unique, followed for the kakuhida content and headcanons (hyperfixation) its honestly so refreshing seeing people who still do art of old fandoms in a good way that isin't fairly concerning (2008 era of people drawing hidan like a child, ew) but anyways hows the nrt art journey going?

Hi, hello, thank you very much!!! //^^//

I don't mind at all, I actually want to get more nrt related questions anyways (pls pls pls send me doodle requests)

Here's a doodle of Konan from the next batch of Akatsuki band au sketches, the rest of the answer is under the line

Zombie combi has me in a chokehold, and it isn't letting go so we're in the same boat lmao

My favourite type of fandom is an old fandom that's still kicking but isn't busy/popular (especially on tumblr, I've looked at so many of active rb accounts, thanks for supplying me with lost art from 2012 you're the real champions ly)

Don't get me started on that era of kkhd ¬_¬'

Really glad that artists that create fanart of these two draw them in a non creepy way

Nrt art is going better than you guys think, it's literally 75% of all art I make at this point, just have to get to posting it:"")

Just some kakuhida headcanons I found in my drafts~ Who hogs the blankets Hidan does, especially when he’s not feeling like he wants to snuggle and just wants to be left alone. With all those hearts Kakuzu doesn’t feel cold until it’s *really cold* so he doesn’t mind letting Hidan have the blankets if he wants them. Who cooks best Definitely Kakuzu, it’s cheaper than going out and he’s learned to cook really well over the years. Hidan can actually make basic foods though, but often gets distracted and burns things a lot if he steps away from the stove.  Who likes to playfully tease the other I’m going to say Kakuzu for this one, Hidan is just so easy to tease and get worked up and Kakuzu loves getting a rise out of him (in more ways than one…). Who always wants to take selfies of the other Hidan does, he wants to show off his man and prove to all his haters that someone out there actually does love and care about him, even if Kakuzu is just as awful as he is, they’re in love and he’s hot. He also loves to look through the pictures when he’s by himself and feeling down. Kakuzu does however like to take the rare picture with Hidan when he doesn’t realize it, in quiet moments like when he’s fallen asleep on top of him. Who cuts the others hair Neither. Kakuzu will either cut his own hair or just go get it done somewhere, but he rarely cuts it, he just likes letting it grow and do its own thing. Hidan is too concerned about his appearance to get an at home hair cut and goes somewhere for it. Who is the most ticklish Hidan is, of course, and sometimes it gets in the way of sexy times, when he can’t stop laughing and almost kicks Kakuzu in the face for touching the back of his knee. Who initiates kisses I’d say they both do pretty well so it’s mostly 50/50. Hidan might just initiate slightly more often though. Who sings along to the radio Hidan, and he's surprisingly good at it. Kakuzu wouldn't be caught dead singing. Favorite non-sexual activity to do together Eating, and having some quiet time together, usually where Kakuzu reads and Hidan lays beside him and either prays quietly to himself, naps, or maybe even reads a book as well (rare but it can happen). Or bathing together which sure, it could turn sexual but doesn’t always. Who makes the other coffee in the morning Kakuzu, but it’s more he’s made himself coffee because he wakes up early, and there’s (usually) some left in the pot for Hidan when he wakes up. But Hidan doesn’t drink much coffee, it makes him too jittery. Who asks the weird question in the middle of the night Hidan does, when he’s contemplating his faith, his existence, or when he’s just in a mood to think about and ask weird questions. Kakuzu would honestly rather they wait for the morning, or while they’re in the shower together, at other times he finds those conversations rather interesting and endearing.  Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times Hidan does, but Kakuzu just turns right around and whispers even more inappropriate things back and makes Hidan get all flustered.

Itachi: I'm freezing 😔

Kisame: *removes coat and puts it on Itachi over his own coat* 😁

Hidan: 👀 ... I'm freezing 😏

Kakuzu: hi, Freezing, I'm Kakuzu 😑

My fave thing is when you guys leave you're kakuhida headcanons in the tags of my art, makes me so happy.

Scenes or Comic Panels I Would Draw If I Could Draw BC Some Of My Chatpost Ideas I See Better As Pictures Not Words, Part Three.

Deidara and Hidan noticing that Zetsu seems really down in the winter months, so they help him by stealing him a heat-lamp and helping him to prune himself by picking off his yellow or dead leaves and giving him little bags of premium fertilizer (and Zetsu eating from the bags with a spoon like ice cream).

After sex, Nagato and Konan laying in bed together. Konan resting on top of Nagato, him with his hands on her hips. Him making a comment that having her on top of him feels like a nice, warm weighted blanket. Konan only hears "weight" and says "So ... you're saying I'm fat?" and before he can think of a non-offensive answer she gets up and storms out of the room. Hidan happened to hear it and tells the others and the next day all of them make pointed jokes about things being heavy when Nagato is around. He eventually Shinra Tensei's all of them. Konan laughs so hard she kisses him and forgives him.

Deidara and Sasori at an art museum. Run into Itachi and Kisame there. Kisame comments how sweet the two of them look holding hands. Sasori tells them that there's nothing romantic about it; if he doesn't keep hold of at least one of Deidara's hands he's going to reach into his pocket and bring out his matches and light the paintings on fire to make them more "artistic".

Hidan and Deidara having a chicken wing eating contest. Hidan pretends to choke on a bone to fake Deidara out but Deidara isn't buying it. Kakuzu comes into the room and comments something like " If you can handle mine, there's no reason you should be choking on THAT tiny bone, Hidan." Deidara starts choking for real.

Kisame telling Konan how to learned to use a gentle touch with Itachi by practicing holding cats first. Cuts back and forth between showing Kisame holding cats that are clawing and scratching him when annoyed, to Itachi kicking and biting at him when he's annoyed. Kisame telling Konan that Itachi is more like a cat than she'd think. Itachi then comes into the room and circles the fridge several times and Kisame tells him that No, he already had his dinner, and Itachi puffs up and hisses at him, and Kisame takes a little spray bottle from his pocket and squirts Itachi's nose with it.

Obito and Deidara’s son at school, say kindergarten, and the teacher calls in the parents for a meeting. She tells the two that their son has been drawing “questionable” things during art class. Shows them the pictures and it’s a whole series of Obito and Deidara “playing leapfrog” with each other. Obito is hella embarrassed and keeps apologizing and saying they’ll have a talk with the kid and get a lock for their bedroom door. But Deidara has tears in his eyes and is going “Look at what TALENT my son has, hm!” and asking if he can take the pictures home to hang on the fridge and the teacher and Obito are just staring at him like 😐

Young adults Kakashi and Obito having a “date night” in Obito’s room. Awkwardly flirting all night. But every time one of them do much as leans in for a kiss, Obito’s “grandpa” Madara comes into the room. First to ask if Obito finished his chores. Then to bring in a tray of milk and cookies. THEN he sends little Sasuke in the room to ask annoying questions, and Sasuke is accompanied by his “special friend” Naruto who’s excited to see his Sensei and each boy is too oblivious to realize that they’re interrupting obkk’s date until Itachi finally comes back from a mission and drags them out. And finally, finally when the two think they’re free, they start making out, but right in the middle of it Madara calls out from down the hallway that it’s time for Obito to give him his bath. Kakashi (not for the first time) asks Obito why he doesn’t just move out of his clan’s home and get one of the Jonin apartments in the city like Kakashi himself has. Obito starts to reply that it’s not so bad when Madara calls out again bring the heavy duty toenail clippers because he’s got some “monsters” growing on his feet. And Obito looks at Kakashi and asks how much the rents are in the Jonin apartments.

what are the keys to (reasonably) happy kakuhida? like they can be disasters but they're disasters who function well together (i just really like terrible people in a good relationship).

Hey anon! Sorry I left this one for a while. What was it, like, a fortnight? I meant to write on it, but then I kept... not doing that. And then I decided it was something I Really Need To Get Around To and nothing could have more immediately doomed it to languishing in the inbox. I have logged in many times and started writing a post and thought, "Hmm, if kakuhida anon is a follower, they will see this new post and think I'm ignoring them..."

Anyway! Let me put on my rambly shipper goggles. Are you ready? I hope you are ready. I am ready.

I think we're pretty limited on this topic when we draw from canon because, although both characters have strong personality traits and clear basic motives, we don't get enough page time to see more complicated interplay. Given this context, please accept the following as character speculation extrapolated from canon, rather than preaching a specific character gospel. I am sure dissenting headcanons exist, but they are not mine. :)

I think you need a couple of things to have a "happy" relationship: you need to be able to trust your partner to some degree, and when you try to attract your partner's interest or attention you need to have a good chance of actually getting it and receiving their consideration. Needs met, desires considered. You know. In short, you need to know they'll think about what you need and want. There are other things that people want: sex, financial stability, reliability, the ability to do the dishes once in a while without being asked—

But we're talking about fundamentals. So I'm going with 1. trust and 2. attention. Fight me. (Do not actually fight me, I am. so tired.)

We'll start with Kakuzu because I think he has a slightly more comprehensible character and history.

The TLDR summary for his character is:

- he was a loyal village ninja

- he was betrayed by his village

- he did some murder ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

- he nicked a kinjutsu and

- he left to become a wandering bounty hunter, never to trust anyone or anything again and only believing in the power of cold hard cash.

This is pretty important because, as above, trust and vulnerability are areas of significant importance for a happy committed relationship if you're close to someone. The mortifying ordeal and all that. This also ties in with providing attention to someone. If you become invested in someone and they reject you or hurt you, that is also a rubbish feeling. I don't think Kakuzu usually wants to roll the dice on ANY of this.

So it's conceivable to view his character as either needing to learn to cope with some, limited amount of vulnerability to access human connection for happiness (in the context of a romantic relationship), or else as someone who is pretty much content with never participating in a functional romantic relationship.

Canon seems to lean more to the second "never has a real relationship" option—but then, it has to, doesn't it. Kakuzu is a minor antagonist with minimal screen time. Despite that, it's clear to me that at some point Kakuzu did want significant human connections. It wouldn't have been such a defining part of his backstory to change and reject that need, otherwise. Kakuzu can be happy in this relationship if he can trust Hidan—and I think he can! Not in an unconditional way, but then, Kakuzu wouldn't trust anything in an unconditional way. But he can definitely trust Hidan to be reliably exactly as Hidan is. A very authentic person, Hidan.

We see he does trust him, curiously. When Shikamaru leads Hidan away during their fight, he says: "You are seriously underestimating Hidan."

A weird amount of faith in a guy whose head you had to sew back on, Kakuzu.

Secondly, Hidan. His character has clear and consistent motives in terms of his dedication to an ideology. But, from the perspective of someone looking for clues about his interpersonal relationships, he's kind of difficult.

So... well, immediately I think there's no getting along with Hidan without at the very least making time and space for all the religious... stuff. That's fundamental.

And then, looking at what we see of him in canon, we can safely say that he does desire human connections: he expresses interest in Kakuzu on the basis of their shared experiences of immortality, he's pleased when Kakuzu considers what he wants and he's at least shallowly interested in getting attention from other people.

Curiously, he seems to have very little trouble with physical vulnerability—maybe because he doesn't see it as in any way threatening. He's immortal. He can get his heart ripped out literally or metaphorically. (Come at him, bro.)

We see him trust Kakuzu with his actual, physical body during absurd moments of vulnerability, like. you know. dismemberment. He also gets the consideration he asks for a shockingly high proportion of the time when we see him ask for it? Like, for example, when Hidan insists he wants to be the one to fight, Kakuzu acquiesces readily. This is interesting because Kakuzu likes fighting. He likes expressing himself through violence—this is part of his character. He dislikes the way Hidan fights, both in terms of watching him make stupid arrogant mistakes (as he implies canonically) and in terms of waiting for his drawn-out death ritual (as he says). But he acquiesces. Why? He also waits for those long, drawn out rituals, even when he could do better by getting a head start on, for example, dropping off Chiriku's body.

I actually think canonically Hidan and Kakuzu have a surprisingly pleasant relationship because of events like these? I find them significant given how comparatively horrid they are to everyone else with whom we see them interact.

(...to be fair they either kill or attempt to kill most of those. But, hey, not each other!)

I don't think you have to work too hard to give them a happy relationship, really. I mean, accepting that Kakuzu seems to enjoy his own rage and misery to a degree, I think they're pretty good to each other on the whole... weirdly.

since i loved your portrayal of the zombie combi, and having read comperatively more about Kakuzu from you, i'd really like to request Hidan for the character meme.

I loved hardly eternity with all of my heart.

Thank you for asking for him! And thank you for your kind words on Hardly Eternity. The story might be almost 10 years old now (and when did that happen) but I'll always have a special soft spot for it.

favorite thing about them: his dynamic with Kakuzu, I just find it endlessly amusing. Hidan is also the easiest character I ever tried to write - his drives are so simple and his reactions are so predictable, it's really relaxing. Which is a strange thing to say about Hidan, but true.

least favorite thing about them: that he let himself be defeated by Shikamaru. I never liked Shikamaru much.

favorite line: it's not really a line, but he called Kakuzu "Kakuzu-chan" at least two times and it always cracks me up

brOTP: none really, because we don't see him interacting with too many people. I always thought it a pity we didn't get more Akatsuki bonding time! It would have been funny to see them being idiots with Deidara.

OTP: KakuHida

nOTP: non really, but I have never read anything outside of KakuHida with him.

random headcanon: Nc-17 headcanon of him using his technique for sex purposes with Kakuzu. If he felt the other's pain, would he feel the other's pleasure too?

unpopular opinion: Don't know if this is unpopular, but I absolutely can't get behind virgin!Hidan. Just NO.

song i associate with them: Let the Bodies Hit the Floor from Drowning Pool is my ultimate Kakuzu and Hidan song. Happens to be my stress relief song too.

favorite picture of them: Hidan shouting "Do something, Kakuzu" in dire situations

Alright, this is the last one I’m doing tonight before I knock out to sleep. The KakuHida version:

Who’s most likely to confess first?

I’m not sure that either would, at least not directly. Like they’d probably end up getting drunk and eventually go to bed together and waking up together the next morning and Hidan asking if this was a thing now and Kakuzu being confused and going I thought this already WAS a thing, that was just platonic until last night. And they just take their relationship from there.

Who most likely has the worst temper?

Both. Their fights are catastrophic. (un)Ironically their biggest blow-outs are always about money; Hidan hates how “obsessed” Kakuzu is with it, and Kakauzu hates how Hidan is so flippant/wasteful with it.

Who is likely the more affectionate partner?

I feel like Hidan can get very touchy/feely, but mainly when he’s in the mood for sex. Kakuzu isn’t much one for loving gestures but he’ll occasionally want to put his arms around his young lover and just sit and enjoy the skin on skin contact with another human being. Hidan will complain that he’s “smothering” him but secretly loves it and wishes Kakuzu did it more often.

Who is more likely to get jealous?

Surprisingly, Kakuzu. I feel like he’s already super-sensitive about his and Hidan’s age difference, and when he thinks someone else is coming on to Hidan, he feels rage. Hot, murderous rage. But he won’t show it, like Hidan would. Instead he’ll track down that person later and murder them. A bit extreme, maybe, but he’s very serious in his desire to keep Hidan with him.

Who is most likely to give the best advice?

Depends on the topic. Obviously Kakuzu would give the best advice about anything to do with finances. But Hidan, I feel he would give more “human”-like advice. Like, if Kakuzu came to him and told him he was depressed, Hidan would be able to tell him useful things to help him feel better. With other people Hidan is crass and constantly cursing and rude but with Kakuzu he’s more honest and sensitive.

Who is most likely to win a drinking contest?

Well, I think Kakuzu has a pretty high tolerance … BUT Hidan is immortal. So he can keep on drinking right past the “holy crap he’s gonna die from blood poisoning” level. And Kakuzu abhors hangovers so he’d stop drinking away before Hidan regardless.

Who is most likely to get an extreme body piercing or tattoo?

Definitely Hidan. Pain means nothing to him and he’s always looking for ways to express his love for his religion. I feel like he’d get the Jashin symbol tatted on him, and probably a tongue ring.

Who is most likely the bigger eater?

Hidan. He really loves meat (beef is his favorite) but he despises any form of vegetables. Kakuzu tries to get him to eat more of them by hiding them in meat dishes, like chili or meatloafs, but Hidan always catches on and curses Kakuzu out for trying to “torment” him.

Who’s more likely to sleep nude?

Kakuzu. Hidan runs around near-nude all day long but when it comes time for bed he has to wear pajamas or else he feels unsettled. Kakuzu on the other hand always gets super hot when he sleeps ends up kicking off most of his covers, and eventually his shirt and pants. But Hidan loves the warmth he gives off, and will snuggle against him all night. Which makes Kakuzu feel even hotter. But good luck “kicking off” Hidan.

Who is more likely to propose marriage?

I think Kakuzu would be. Both because he genuinely loves Hidan, and because he knows that married couples get some nice tax breaks. And his proposing to Hidan, and with a GORGEOUS ring to boot, is the only time in their relationship that Hidan will A)Cry and B)Go temporarily speechless.

Who is most likely to cry during a sad movie?

I’m not sure I can properly picture either of them crying, because I have a hard time believing either of them finding anything to be “sad”. Kakuzu’s lived forever and he’s seen a lot of sh*t; there’s very little to feel sad over anymore. Hidan is all about toughness and bravado so one would be hard-pressed to get tears out of him, either.

Who is more likely to want children?

Hidan would want them but Kakuzu wouldn’t. Not necessarily because he doesn’t want kids, or even because kids cost money. It’s because Kakuzu is already much older, and he doesn’t think he’d have the energy or stamina to keep up with a young child. And he doesn’t want to place a burden on Hidan to be the “main” parent for any offspring they might have.

Who’s more likely to apologize first after a fight?

Kakuzu. Because Hidan would rather die than apologize and Kakuzu knows that sometimes you’ve just got to swallow your pride and admit that you’re “wrong” in order to restore peace and quiet.

Who’s most likely to be the better cook?

Kakuzu for savory dishes, but Hidan has a hidden talent for baking and dessert-making. Which is surprising considering he and Kakuzu both aren’t really fond of sweets.

Who is most likely to drive on long trips?

Hidan. But Kakuzu is his “co-pilot” and the one reading him directions and “navigating” their journey.

Who is most likely to do the grocery shopping?

They both go together, but Kakuzu, being the holder of the purse strings, has final say in everything purchased. Grocery trips usually takes several hours, and trips to multiple stores go get the best prices on different things and to utilize coupons and special discounts. One time Kakuzu was sick and he sent Hidan out to do the shopping with a list and an envelope of coupons. He nearly had a heart attack when Hidan came back and said he lost both the coupons and the list so he just bought what looked good. After that, he never let Hidan go alone again.

Who is most likely to fall asleep on the couch?

Kakuzu, while reading. Hidan will find him and cover him with a blanket, and sometimes snuggle up with him and take a nap.

hidan!!! for the ask game

YES right to it

obviously this is going to be a long post

you've been warned !

favorite thing about them: oh man. i think he's a really unique character. he's only like 2% justified in his anger and he makes it everyone else's problem. he's never depicted as anything BUT evil. the shinobi world is insane right? toddlers are raised as soldiers the second they can hold a knife. and so was he, no different from the rest of them. and the series Doesn't like to push that blame onto people, really early on you hear about all the awful things zabuza did and at the end of their battle he still dies as a respectable shinobi. BUT from start to end with hidan he is ONLY bad. he's doing this for FUN he's not doing it for a mission, he's not doing it because he needs to do it to survive like it was NEVER in question that this guy is JUST EVIL. but you CAN find these human sides to him. he has a Real bond with kakuzu, like they Actually are concerned for each other. in Akatsuki Hiden he meets a kid and he forms a bond with That Kid to the point of giving him funeral rites (burial rites?) when he dies. not as a sacrifice but as someone he cared about. when his village turned on him and he felt REAL betrayal. if he didn't care about them to some extent, he wouldn't still be mad about it. it's just FASCINATING.

least favorite thing about them: i don't even think there's anything i don't like about him. he's so fucking annoying and if i had to deal with him i'd try to kill him too BUT because i don't have to deal with him he's my best friend i like him SO much

favorite line: to be so transparent i like when he's picking on kakuzu for keeping the headband for him.

AND if i can use the book - i like this, it's less about the line itself but more about the repetition of it. like this is how they start every fight and i just think that's delightful

brOTP: y'all already know it's kisame. my defense for this has absolutely no basis in their interactions because honestly? kisame doesn't care for him too much. HOWEVER kisame is the easiest akatsuki member to get along with and hidan is basically impossible to get along with. i think it's a good match.

OTP: kakuhida, motherfuckers. they're everything to me. they were on screen for all of three seconds and i already knew that was it. i haven't been normal about them since. and they're canon as far as i'm concerned. stated or not they were Something.

nOTP: k*nan (sorry for censoring you name queen i don't want it to be searchable) i have such a Visceral reaction to them together i Cannot stand it. their characterization is so BUTCHERED for that ship that they become Unrecognizable. and i don't fucking get it like ??? yes they're both hot PICK ANYONE ELSE. also shipping him with any of the kids. like. that's not cute. he's young but he's not that young also holy shit they don't deserve that anyway

random headcanon: i probably mentioned this somewhere before and it's so easy but i think his favorite color's pink. like red sure because i mean look at him but also. Pink. i like pink for him.

unpopular opinion: i've touched on this before i don't think jashinism is real. i think he made it up and i think maybe he's convinced himself it's real. but i don't think there is a single other person who's ever heard of or tried to join the religion before. there's the kid i mentioned from the book but he learned straight from hidan, and then goddamned ryuki from boruto who i swear to God the writers wanted him to literally be hidan but they weren't allowed. neither of which really compel me to believe it. it just doesn't make tons of sense

song i associate with them: ouuh choke on one another death spells. that's been a big one recently

favorite picture of them:

favorite's a big word but i had this one saved to my phone which is probably good enough

OKAY 10000 points if you made it to the end you win idk what you win but you win