#just treat me like a human being and thats all
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In Defense of Shoko in 261
to be so honest, i’m really doing my best not to come off angry while talking about this. but to me this conversation is not just about shoko, but about the way women are treated in media, and especially in shounen manga in general.
people are upset about the way shoko reacted, or rather didn’t react, to yuuta’s plan because it seemed too unemotional and uncaring. if she had shown emotion or protested, people would still be upset because she would be seen as unable to do the necessary thing in a time of crisis due to her feminine emotions or whatever.
this is the dilemma of not just female characters, but real life women. there’s never a right reaction.
additionally i feel that some of the things being said about her are expecting her to only exist as support for gojo, and not as her own character, which i see way too often with female characters in shounen manga.
in any case, i stand by my cancelled wife, and here’s my defense of her. spoilers below the cut.
Since when has Shoko ever been outwardly emotional like that?
if shoko is upset about yuuta using gojo’s body as a weapon, there is just no way she would outwardly object or show any signs that she’s upset. that’s not who she is and she’s shown that. there have been several times where she’s not displayed the emotion one would expect from her, so why would that change now?
when shoko sees geto, one of her closest friends, if not her closest, for the first time after finding out that he massacred an entire village, you would expect her to be feeling a slew of emotions. maybe confusion, maybe anger, maybe hurt, maybe betrayal. maybe even concern for her friend.
but shoko acts like it’s no big deal at all. she’s just seeing her close friend on a regular day. because she’s not the type to get outwardly emotional. whatever she’s feeling right now is kept somewhere else entirely, far away from the surface.
additionally, in the scene where everyone got frustrated that gojo didn’t react about nanami, we have this from shoko.
talking about geto. not reacting. guys shoko is just not a reactive person like that, and that’s totally fine. a lot of people are like this (including myself but thats not the point)
but that doesn’t mean the emotions don’t exist, or that shoko has no way of reacting or coping or showing that she’s going through anything at all. one way is through smoking.
smoking is something shoko picks up again before the shibuya incident, when the entire jujutsu world is growing more stressed with the increased presence of special grades, particularly the disaster curses, the incident at the goodwill event…and at shibuya, the situation was very high stress, yet she keeps a cool demeanour. the only sign that she’s upset at all is that every time she’s shown, she’s smoking.
the only times we’ve seen shoko’s feelings, it’s been completely internal. the most notable being this scene:
this is the most emotional we’ve ever seen shoko, and if you’ll notice, she’s completely alone.
shoko keeps her feelings well hidden from everyone, so it’d be completely against her character to outwardly show if she was upset by yuuta’s plan.
Since when has Shoko shied away from questionable medical/jujutsu practices?
shoko was eager to dissect yuuji after he “died” like it was some sort of science project and not a human being…please note im saying this as a completely neutral statement, this is not to say whether shoko is a good or bad person, just that she is and how she is.
sure, it’s a bit questionable that she’s looking at a dead teenager on her table and wondering what information she can get out of him, but at the same time, there could be useful information in yuuji’s biology that shows what makes him a successful vessel, at least as far as shoko is aware. useful knowledge that could be used to find another suitable vessel to continue killing sukuna’s power, one finger at a time.
she even says to gojo “who do you think i am?” when he tells her to make her examination of yuuji worth it, implying that this is a trait that those around her are aware of.
she’s practical and methodical, logically thinking rather than emotionally thinking, but most importantly, she’s not the type to display her feelings.
she’s exactly the type to understand the reasoning behind yuuta’s plan and accept it as a logical last ditch effort, and she’s also the type to store her true feelings about it away to process over a cigarette (or several) at a more convenient time. asking her to do anything else would be asking her to change as a character.
i hope this doesn’t come across as me being unsympathetic to gojo’s dehumanization and being turned into a weapon, i think it’s upsetting for sure (but i respect the narrative choice, i think it’s an interesting way to bring out themes). mostly, i think that shoko, both by the narrative and by the fandom, is only perceived in geto & gojo’s shadow, and i wanted to draw attention to her as a person.
i’m sick of reading the “shoko’s a cold-hearted traitor” comments on different platforms bc i think it’s not true, and i think asking her to act differently removes her autonomy as a character and forces her to be nothing but a supporting role to gojo, rather than her own character.
hopefully this makes some sense dkskld
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Gonna write a transman character. Any tips on things to include/avoid?
I'm not really a writer so it's hard to say, I mean I'd just write him like any other characters idk
#just treat him normally ig#if any transmasc writer follow me then give this anon some tips#sometimes I see the trope of tguys being written as like very feminine cute uwu bois#or just treated as ones#but like eh#some guys are like that idc#plus its fine as long as you dont think all trans guys are like that ig#just treat me like a human being and thats all#infantalization is the word#i think
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i remember seeing someone call tubbo a fully grown adult at 19 (obvs before he turned 20) and i gotta say. i think maybe some people have a really skewed idea of what constitutes as "fully grown". and also what constitutes as properly mature. thinking that at 18/19 (or hell even at 20/21) people are now fully grown and mature is insane to me like yall thats how you get people thinking their life is over at like 23 and that 30 year olds are senior citizens 😭😭 be fr
#this is a problem no matter where you look but i think a lot of ppl in the mcyt fandom esp seem to think once youre-#-considered an adult at all that it automatically means youre fully grown and mature and thats just nooottt really true for most ppl#which i think can lead people down to sort of dangerous paths especially because 'adult' is often defined by age of consent#and theres also some slight cultural differences like even just between the us and the uk where due to 18yr olds being able to drink in-#-the uk (and other places) i think it genuinely causes some dissonance#where i see often in the us that when youre 18/19 youre still treated (id say rightfully) as being rather young and not Truly a grown adult#hence. yk. the term Young Adult#but i think in places where the drinking age is younger it starts causing people to see younger people as more mature#which is also why a lot of predators like to push for the age of consent to be at a younger age like 15 or 16#and why many lolicons try to point at japans age of consent (which for the record is complicated and not as simple as just 'age of consent-#-is 13') as a defense for how they act#because these sorts of milestones (having sex and drinking) are seen as marks of a true adult. which gets into a whole lot of other#complicated things#and often dangerous things and ways of thinking#ANYWAYS . basically 18/19 isnt fully grown 20 is also hardly fully grown itself#and theres ways to combat people infantilizing tubbo and other creators his age without acting like hes actually#fully grown and mature lol. i promise you humans are not fully grown at 20 years old are you kidding me 😭😭😭😭#if youre in your 20s you still have a lot of time and space to grow i promise. do not fall for the idea that your life is done by like 23#idk. im only 18 myself but it just feels insane to me that if i were a creator people would be calling me a fully grown adult#not that im not an adult but i dont think im mature enough to be seen as fully grown and i guess itssss. sad?#to see other people my age think that turning 18 means youre fully grown. just really not true#theres a lot of 30 year olds who still see early 20yr olds as being practically babies we have Not made it to full maturity yet i prommy#mask mews
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#talkys#delete later#(this is a meme redraw)#ruined my life is a strong word. and of course theres lots of self blame and obvs ive probably wronged lots of people before#and i dont deserve unending torture for it. right. like part of me doesnt even actually feel ill will toward the other party#because whatever! normal human experience!#the other part is like ohhh okay you lied to and kinda used me + treated me badly then lied again to the point where i found out the truth#from another party so you didnt even have to fess up yourself and now you're back to being happy as if nothing happened#i was just a stepping stone i was just a distraction. ok!#like for real actually ok ^_^ it literally happens to ppl all the time...#<- he keeps experiencing waves of horrific sense of self worth that already wasnt Too Great as a result#ugh. and thats nobody's fault but my own right.... but idk. i cant believe it...! i cant believe someone treated me dis way#and i let it happen... and i would have let it keep happening if an end hadnt been put to it by someone else....#but still. at the end of the day i was the only one left with these thoughts. ykwim. other party has forgotten. got happy ending.#doesnt deserve ''consequences'' but still feels horrific to see and think about. you know?#i literally got all the bad. throughout and after.
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I think the reason I like the 5 Eccentrics so much is that it's just such a good depiction of the….variety of friendship. Because it was a group literally created to be destroyed. It was, in other words, a forced union of 5 people who might have never or barely interacted. Yet even with that, even knowing that, they all chose to have a meaningful friendship with each other - they chose to be friends and remain friends even if their union was forced, even if the very reason that they met was to be taken down. It's almost the arranged marriage trope but it wouldn't work as well like marriage because it really isn't that. It's like the family system (brought together by chance and a common identity) but it's still different. Because they didn't HAVE to be friends even if sharing the same label, because they didn't have to keep sticking around each other and become a real family. They chose to be friends in spite of all odds, chose to be grateful even amidst their destruction, and forged a precious bond that not even their predetermined fall could break and in this essay I will -
#fandom spamdom#enstars#ensemble stars#stuff i say#welcome to the inevitable five eccentrics post that i finally made you may move along now#BUT NO FOR REAL YOU GUYS IM SO OUGH OVER THE FRIENDSHIPS IN ENSTARS#for all the crazy that goes on in the story the friendships and the brotherhood (or siblinghood in some cases) is just so -#i dont even know the characters that well but i could go on forever about the amagis or sakumas or aoi twins#and maybe add a dash of the tsukasa-oukawa cousinhood while we're at it#and thats not even mentioning himeru and his brother#but the eccentrics have had me in a chokehold ever since the anime and the element miniseries and they havent let me go#its about connections that were forced but bonds that were forged instead#its about being thrust into the fire together and deciding to be the cooling water for each other instead of keeping a distance from them#its about friendship and family and realising theyre human because they found people like their own selves#and it messes me up how they also found people to establish their humanity with asides from each other#idk how to explain it because they always talk about how they werent very human before while im shaking them....#...because you guys WERE human. you ARE human. you have always been human but never treated as such...#....andfjaisojr eifowjifjsof eive lost coherence#i swear enstars hasnt made me go on about the human condition and the philosophy of humanity#i was already like this before the game#also i just find it so fascinating how the stories establish each of the idol boys' humanity....#....but at the same time the art and the very nature of the industry theyre participating in also kind of forces them to keep it under wrap#(like come on. even the name idols is so compelling...things made by man but revered as gods and potentially more fallible than man etc)#anyway disclaimer that these are all my opinions etc..
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being in pain is so isolating nd alienating lol >.<
#bc the thing is nobody cares abt your pain. like that's simply human psychology#so even if that's how the human mind is built nd it's understandable. it still sucks to receive so little sympathy nd understanding#like i mean ppl get sick nd tired of u when u talk abt the pain nd just want u to stop complaining nd be positive#nd they're rlly unsympathetic nd just want u to shut up nd do the things you're supposed to do without whining#so yes idk having to shut up abt it makes me feel like im stuck all alone inside this miserable bubble#either way im getting better nd better at not talking abt it!!!!! even on here i dont say like 80% of what i wanna vent abt sksksks#ppl always treat me as if im exaggarating or just anxious nd worried nd that i need to relax nd that everythings fine#so i've gotten way better at keeping it inside nd not bothering anyone w it!!! thats good#i mean it hurts nd makes me feel isolated buuut it's better than being a burden nd a bother nd making ppl roll their eyes nd sigh at me#but it's also so hard for me to seek medical attention for anything bc i feel like im just being dramatic nd annoying#idk... anyway so many things i wanna complain abt rn pain wise but im doing so good at shutting up abt them i need a gold star ⭐️#hand in hand w this im getting better at just shutting up nd doing what ppl want me to do nd think im supposed to do even if im in pain
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dude its always "be yourself" till youre trans and now suddenly oh i get to nitpick every little thing about you oh that gesture was very feminine made you look like a girl oh youre wearing a shirt thats cream coloured? seems a little feminine to me oh you paint your nails? so youre a girl after all like ???? youre giving me mixed messages here am i meant to be myself or am i meant to conform to your idea of what a man is in order to be accepted as one by you
#⚠️#one time after i came out my mum saw me lounging around in a black t shirt and she was like oh it made you look like a man thinking it was#compliment but dude i got so mad i was like for fuck sake is that seriously what i have to do to be considered a man is lounge around in a#black t shirt??? lounging around is masculine???? what????????#i was also just a very angry person in general but still that really confuses me#had a psychiatrist note down shit about my appearance saying whether they thought it was feminine or masculine (they thought it was all#feminine) which was fucking crazy cause i went in for an adhd diagnosis#people just find out youre trans and suddenly start acting like experts on whats feminine and whats masculine and what makes you either#gender like shut the fuck up#can also come from people who they themselves accept some cis men are feminine and some cis women are masculine but suddenly as soon as you#try to transition now you have to be masculine or be feminine or youre not valid in their eyes#its fucking crazy#like if i showed them a dude with long hair theyd be like thats a dude with long hair but as soon as i have my hair long im told to cut it#i can show them a dude in a skirt and theyd probably laugh thinking its funny or some bullshit but theyd still think its a dude in a skirt#but if i wear a skirt suddenly im a girl#i know at the root of all this they truly believe people cant switch genders cause in their minds sex and gender is the same but still its#so annoying especially when they pretend to be accepting or think theyre being accepting and when you challenge them on their transphobia#they get all mad at you and act like youre being rude for criticizing them for doing the bare minimum whilst also just continuing to be#transphobic#like yeah you use my correct name but when im not around you use she/her for me and you say i **want** to be a boy instead of i am a boy bu#when i talk to you about this suddenly im the bad guy like its my fault youre using language for me thats transphobic#like ok man. whatever.#sorry for asking you to be a decent fucking human being toward me and treat me with respect#its like people just treat trans peoples gender like something they can just dismiss like its nothing liek we're just playing pretend or#something#like god its frustrating. i need to cut my mum out of my life fr
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I guess Im kind of glad Im the only person that remembers Bridgette D'abo exists because if she were more popular people would either hate her way too much for the completely insane "pretending to be a maid" thing or people would make jokes about the fact that shes contributing to limiting Peacemaker's freedom and autonomy. I dont think anyone would be normal about Bridgette.
#I am drawing her again.#Thank god theres one Bridgette apologist and its me#(not actually shes just so INTERESTING)#Like I do think the fact that she very clearly wants to help Chris while also not fully respecting him as like a full human person is#like really good stuff.#I think alot about how everytime Checkmate needs Peacemaker they call Bridgette. not him.#they ask Bridgette for him.#Also obviously that bit where Chris says hes sick of people hiding things from him and#feels like hes being Treated Like A Child and Bridgette goes all 'Oh no Chris thats not true!!' LIKE GIRL#Bridgette and Peacemaker are going to hell TOGETHER#ok done .
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Kinda insane some of y'all defend people who deserve to die with such. Passion
#z rambles#'i get it but theyre still human' boy shut the fuck up 💀#ive completely stopped arguing with people and just say 'read the news' and thats it#idk what to tell u that eat the rich doesnt include wishing for their safety or treat them like human. uhhhh i wanna rip them apart#let me do u one better. i want them skewered in a block party bbq 👍#rich people and te*f sympathizer get off my blog#✌✌#someone irl tried to call me a hypocrite for goimg against death penalty and being all eat thw rich and shit like#think for a fucking aecond#do yall bitches not fucking think. is critical fucking thinking just nonexistent these days? do yall fuclong read? comprehend?#im so tired#'what about nuance' ABOUT WHAT??? RICH PEOPLE EXPLOITING THE POOR???? BEING PRIVILEGED PIECES OF SHIT?? WHATT#be serious now. unfollow me#rant#put that passion into sth else. like media literacy#or literacy in general. yall need it 🥸
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im so lucky to know so many people in my life to have met so many people in my life that are just life saving ill never not feel lucky people are so beautiful and kind and talented and funny and have so much worth everyone ive ever met anyone in my life i have ever touched i just cant believe it ill never be able to understand it how important everyone is how much i love people the degree to whihc i love people and everyone i have ever met ill just never ever be able to express the depth of how important it is to me it might be the most important part of my entire life. i just need people to know how much i love them im desperate for it to be known how important everyone ive ever met is to me. all of my friends everyone whos ever been kind to me and whoever ive been kind to it will never be lost on me how important it is. and i feel so lucky to be graced i guess by my friends. i cant imagine the life i would live without every event every person who ive ever crossed. i would never sacrifice anything to not be where i am now because of the people i know and have known. the people i know and talk to everyday or the people i see in a notification or pass by. i cant overstate your importance to me. i cant overstate how important i want people to feel. i want people to see themselves how i see them. i can not overstate your importance to me and i love you. im so lucky ill never be able to take it
#i just want ti go to sleep but i cant my sleep schedule has been so miserably depressing me#not that badly. i cherish every moment i have with the people around me and i cherish how lucky i am to be surrounded by such unbe#lievable people. i am happy everyday because people love me.#this will never be lost on me. the importance of it. the importance you all have will never ever be lost on me. your worth as a human being#you are so kind. you are so talented. you are loved by people because you are seen by people that way. i will never lose this#im miserably desperate for everyone i know to feel loved or to know that i love them. nothing will ever ever ever in my whole fucking life#ever be more important to me#nothing in my fucking life will ever be more important than that. please know how much you mean to this. to everything#i dont know what changed but i cry so often now and every single time my thoughts wander to how deeply i feel about this#im just sobbing and sobbing and im like. i love the people that care for me. i love the people i care for#i know when i stop crying or when the day rolls over i get to talk to everyone again. and i feel so lucky. i feel so desperate to explain it#how. much. it. means. to me. How badly i mean this and everything I say.#i dont fucking care if yoire my mutual from fandom or someone who random followed because my blog was funny#someone i talked to once or twice. you mean so much. i swear to god. ill never be mpre genuine or more serious. i guess#thats very kind of you to do that. or like my posts or anything. youre very kind for that. you mean alot to me.#i just dont want to fall asleep when the sun rises and wake up with a few hours to talk to people before im alone#i really hate it right now. and my neutral state has genuinely just been on the brink of crying. like if i sit still too long i just sob#thats genuinely how i have been for the past few days#and thats not the fault of anyone its just how my brain has been treating me#but whdn i get like this i just remember how lucky i feel about everything. like the depth of my feelings#you really just have to trust me when i say like how forever sincere and deep snd monumental it is to me. like please understand the depth#of when i say i love you. dear god i love everyone ive ever met i love you. please please please please understand how desperate i am#i will never ever feel more strongly about anything. i cant imagine it#i have to make this exact same fucking post over and over again#i need to keep saying it man#i need people to love themselves like i love them#the degree to which i say the word need#anyway. i love you. i hope you have fun or are happy about something. or draw write something nice. talk to your best friend. something
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i really do think people are way too interested in "redemption" in fiction and similarly, in real life as well. a popular user on here had a post going around about how you shouldn't be proud to declare you had a neo-nazi phase, and that you're now different or whatever, and the op had to delete the post/disable reblogs because so many people disagreed, stating the importance of changed behavior or whatever, instead of focusing on... the kids hurt by that behavior and i do think that's crazy. I'm not saying that mentality comes from media, but people really, really do like sympathizing with characters that abuse women, are racist, or harmful in general, and i think it's strange that the possibility of a hypothetical change is more interesting and entertaining or valuable (?) compared to victims just existing..? especially when the issue involves children
#personal#i was ranting about A S*lent Vo*ce. the one character who treated the protag wrong before in a bigoted way was bad#but ig you COULD have them interact again. but its very clear based on the fact almost everyone who abused her before is now suddenly#back in the picture and the fact the worst one (the boy) is now the potential love interest does make it feel like it cares less about her#as a victim and more that it sounds nice? it being a touching reunion of peace or whatever being a heartwarming story#and ig u could say its just a story but it sucks. thats a bad message lol#it reminds me of the autobiography Until I Love Myself. the first volume ends w the author saying the editor suggested they lie and said#they made up with their abuser to give a happy ending and i think it is sad how ppl enjoy or are entertained by fantasy/feeling comfortable#and before anyone wants to be weird this doesnt say 'all antagonists BAD! youre bad if you like [some villain]!!'#but is our villain a guy who snapped bc humanity decided to treat his species as a resource or is it a racist mean older brother bully
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literally i just want to feel like i belong in my body what the fuck. im just. i was literally just trying to wash my hands and i looked in the mirror and its just like. thats not me im. fuck. my dysphoria has been SO bad today and i ignored it for the most part but its not really working anymore and im. fuck i swear to god if someone calls me she one more time im going to fucking break down. i wish the opportunity to be gendered correctly came up more when talking to people especially with pronouns n shit bc a lot of people are ok with using the right name for me but not the right pronouns and im just. i cant fucking handle this i hate it so much. i literally just want to fucking exist as a human being why cant people just leave me the fuck alone.
#percy posts stuff#vent#dysphoria#lol i am not feeling. good right now#one of my religious studies teachers making transphobic jokes in class did NOT help#literally the worst possible day u could have chosen to say that. cmon man#god bless my math & english teachers for being the only teachers in my school who dont fucking misgender me all the time#especially my math teacher istg if he wasnt so nice about stuff i would be SO much more depressed. like its just one class but.#it means so much. (and lowkey it shouldnt bc thats literally just basic human decency but. he was the first teacher i ever had who did that#for me so. yeah)#fuck im crying so much rn lol im trying to distract myself with video essays#the only time my mom ever used the right pronouns for me was when she was weaponizing them against me lol#and thats not just me saying that she full on admitted to doing that when i was yelling at her abt gender stuff a couple night ago#i just.#why the fuck are my math and english teachers better at treating me like a human being than my fucking parents. fuck
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Y'all love flip flopping between whether minors should disclose their age or not online, like, generally probably not, but you guys get into a tizzy when they don't, but when they do you guys push them out of spaces meant for everyone, or you consider them 'less than' it's really fucking annoying especially considering minors (especially teenagers age 14-17) don't really have anywhere but online to go.
You guys just hate people who are younger than you huh? All spaces have to be for adults and adults only, or you're angry.
#ageism#is like an actual thing btw#you guys just love undermining teens#but like theyre human and most of the time dont go running around causing mayhem online for the fun of it or without reason#you guys treat teens like they're objects without any thoughts#this is when their core memories are made and quite frankly you guys are fucking it all up#'But how will they learn'#THROUGH EXPERIENCE!!#THROUGH LIFE!!#THROUGH FACING THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS!!!!#THATS WHAT BEING A TEEN IS DIP SHIT IT CAME FREE WITH YOUR INSTINCTUAL NEED TO DISCOVER AND EXPLORE AND EXPERIENCE!#same goes with older folks#if you arent 18-29 youre considered lesser and it annoys me to no end m
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OH HEY!! do you have final thoguhts on ultrakill and gabriel and the v's and everything :333333 <- my agenda
machine. ive spent my life loved and revered by my people and my church. i trusted my institution and my Father because i never had a reason not to, machine. the council and the people had such high expectations of me and i always rose to meet them. my achievements were many. everything was perfect. and then you took it all from me, machine. i failed ONCE. i wasnt what the church wanted me to be exactly and they tore their love away from me. its not fair. not in the slightest. ive been thinking a lot. ive been reflecting on the churches and the institutions of mankind. so many of them have warped the word of the Father into whatever will give them the most power. they use his teachings to break down and bully those they hate. they grind them into the ground and humiliate them as much as they can, not just for their own self-gain, but for the sake of hatred. this is what the council has done to me, machine, and now i have joined your ranks. all their love for me revoked as soon as i couldnt be what they wanted, thrown from the gates of heaven like the queers and the freaks. i've joined your ranks, machine. i'm less than a person now. and i am filled with so much rage.
anyways thanks for driving me to the abortion clinic machine i really appreciate it
#sneefs asks#cathartidae#sorry for answering your question in writing from gabriels perspective i have issues stemming from how i was treated by a catholic institut#i have issues. im also need to do insane things to him like [EXTENDED CENSOR TONE]. sorry#ANYWAYS its a really good game and i love it lots. i really wanna play it myself but i dunno if my mum would be too pleased with me playing#an incredibly violent first person shooter. she's not too big on those games and i'd be playing it in the same room where she's doing her#phd. she would not appreciate it. which i totally get so ill probably play it once i move out in a few months#ANYWAYS i do wonder how intelligent the V models are. are they mostly just programmed to understand combat pathfinding and basic puzzles?#because if i was designing a robot that needs reaction and processing time as quick as V1 i would only give it the bare minimum for#it to function as intended. being able to understand langauge and emotion or do. idk complex maths calculations seems like extra shit i don#need my killing machine to do#but then there is the thing where V1 can scan text and understand which parts are important. and V2 bowed before their first duel. and she#had such ATTITUDE in the second one. cuz yeah they have emotions and stuff. i do wonder a lot about whether they have theory of mind#ability to recognise or even create art. all that stuf. there is that scene with mirage that is incredibly conceptually abstract and deep#but im not sure how closely that relates to the V models' own brains/GPUs/whatever they have#i think thats probably just something ive picked up from the fandom portraying V1 as not as emotionally aware or intelligent as gabriel.#(at least in a way we understand as humans) anyways id love to know more about V1's thought process independent of the player and how she#experiences emotions. anyways. awesome game. bangin graphics. bangin story. bangin soundtrack#also i would do CRAZY things to a hideous mass i mean WHO SAID THATTTTTTTTT
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#so ive never really done a vent post like this on here (or anywhere for that matter)#so idrk how this is gonna go but ig im gonna try it anyway cause idrk what else to do at this point lmao#look. listen. i know. i know *logically* that if i did die or disappear or whatever i know people would miss me#i know people would be sad and heartbroken and i know people care about me listen. i *know*#but i just. i cant help but think that everything would be better if i just. wasnt here#like. i just feel like such a burden to everyone around me. like i feel like i make everyones life actively worse#especially my dad#god he deserves so much better than me#i treat him so fucking badly like. all he asks of me is to keep my spaces clean and i just fucking. dont#i let the shit and the garbage pile up until hes overwhelmed cause i cant fucking bring myself to do simple fucking human tasks#cause of my fucking adhd or whatever#even though thats just an excuse#i should be able to do these things! i should be able to function like a normal human being!#i should be able to keep up with my hygiene and my chores and my school and work responsibilities!#but i cant! i fucking cant!#god im so fucking tired im fighting. im so tired of trying over and over and over again all for it to not fucking matter in the end#cause im right back where i fucking started#god all of this is just a shitty excuse to continue being a shit fucking human being#i dont even feel human anymore lol i feel *less* than human#god i wish i was less than human. i wish i was a fucking dog or something#that way i wouldnt have to worry about this bullshit world#that says a lot about me huh#im gonna end it there#ignore this pls#vent#tw vent
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true bestiehood would be letting me make them watch mummy on the orient express with them and let me watch their reactions and listen to me talk about it and repeat this until they get the significance of every line
#but I can’t offer that to anyone who will accept so it’s just me and god and the telepaths#who can hear me thinking and feeling about this episode in which#two space time travellers consider not time travelling together anymore#but in a way that makes it pretty clear to the both of them that they a) are so melancholy about it and#b) still care about each other outside of travelling companionship#c) would want to see each other again and the thought of not that is very solemn#d) one is trying to entice the other in using dangerous thrills they know the other likes#e) a passerby explicitly points out that this relationship’s end seems to involve a lot more commemoration and nostalgia than#a clean parting after a big disagreement — no strings attached#f) one comes to forgive the other and reconcile their perspectives#g) also admitting that maybe this relationship is not healthy but it’s addictive#h) keeping this information from one’s partner.#an emotional affair.#having flashbacks to that text post thats like dw series 8 in which Clara Oswald treats her bf and also a 2000 year old alien#both of them like the side piece until one of them dies#I dunno man. relevantly I need to watch banshees of inishierin (??) which is also about dissolution of friendship#just to see how humans do it#I relate to this version — no clean breaks. recurring yearning — as an ND because friends are that much harder to make#also… it’s hard to forget someone if you’ve hurt them. as if I could fix it by being any different from me…#I am changing my spiky nature. I am noticing it#and changing my responses.#it still crops up sometimes#I hope I can be tolerable in company in 10 years time#or barring that — all my significant others live in my neighbourhood and we are neighbours and I still get my much needed solitude
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