Calculating probability of survival... It doesn't look good.

We're making bad choices. :D

Wait, is that Chrono Trigger influence I smell? We've got the party that stays externalized and follows you around, and turn-based RPG battles that happen right there on the map rather than in their own psychedelic wonder-zone.

This world map layout was the last piece I needed to say this game definitely took inspiration from the greatest RPG ever made.

I wonder if they have a New Game+ with a ton of goofy bonus endings based on when you decide to suddenly quit the main story and go fight the final boss instead. :P

In any case, Operation "Do what we're expressly not supposed to do and then brag about it to our authority figure" is a go!

But first we're going to have a bite to eat. Honestly, I agree with Garl. Right before getting into the most trouble of our lives is the best time for a snack.

And that sandwich looks immaculate. I'm a little jealous.

Oh wow, we are troublemakers, aren't we? These sandwiches weren't just good; They were sacrilegiously delicious! ...sacrilecious!

Okay, enough tasty treats, time to make mistakes.

HAHA! I am the best Winter Solstice whatever! This is going to prove to be a terrible mistake in a moment but right now I am riding this high. Let's race inside at a reckless sprint!

There's just something invigorating about, after much effort and practice, finally managing to complete a task you were expressly told not to do in the first place. Like scaling an office building on government property.

Oh good, so we're already in deep trouble. I was worried we'd have to go and tell him that we should be in deep trouble.

Nah, screw that. I want to do a good old-fashioned dungeon delve. Maybe we'll find a Big Chest that has a weapon inside of it. We can give it to Garl since he has no opinions about what weapon he wants.

LET'S GO, TEAM!

GOOD JOB, TEAM! We made it to the very first room and now we're screwed.

It occurs to me only now that, as all of our weapons are presently hypothetical, this may have been a mistake. I don't think the rainbow slugs are going to be very impressed if we lob Garl's backpack at them and run away.

They don't take a monster census in the forbidden cavern, Garl.

OKAY BUT HOW THO

That passageway is a straight shot to the entrance. It's a pretty tight passage with nowhere you could have been hiding while we were tromping through. It is physically impossible for you to be cutting off our exit right now, and I expect - nay, demand - that you cease any and all un-causal existing, and vacate from the impossible reality in which you have now found yourself.

...

Any minute now. Any. Minute.

Is it preparing to vanish in a puff of logic because otherwise--

That thing has a sharp horn pointed directly at the small of my back. This is going to be bloody. Why did I turn around?

GARL NO

I am immensely grateful to you for shielding me from that attack with your body. That was a super heroic thing of you to do and I appreciate you so very, very much.

But why did you use your face to block the horn!? You have a backpack, my guy!

We are in deep trouble. If we run deeper into the cave, we will most certainly be gored to death by monsters. But if we stay here, we have to face Moraine and own up to what we did.

...

I'm weighing my options.

Oh wow. And we're right back to screw Moraine. Can we seal the cave up behind us and leave him in here?

I want to give Garl the biggest hug and be besties for life for what he did for me. T_T But instead the future says we stop hanging out and never see him again. This flashback is ripping my heart in half.

Why do I get a bad feeling about that?

Our training began not on the basis that we have promise and the school recognizes our talent, but rather on the basis that we can no longer be permitted to go unsupervised.

We're the class screw-ups.

Well, at least he shows a more gentle side when he's not interacting with us, directly or indirectly. So maybe he's not a jerk. Maybe he just doesn't like us specifically.

Garl lost an eye and his two best friends all in one night. What a terrible night. That sandwich we all shared together is the last happy memory before everything went south. The symbol of our sacrelicious bond.

I hope he's doing better now. He's had ten years to move on with his life. People heal and grow and change. I'm sure we'll see him again; The game wouldn't be bringing him up if we weren't going to. But I hope he's in a good place and not, like, the Darth Vader of the plot.

"Go to your room and think about what you did FOR TEN YEARS" is a bit harsh of a grounding, dude.

And there it is again. Let people make their own choices! Obviously what happened here today was a terrible mistake committed in the ignorance of youth but come on. He wants to be our bestie so bad he sacrificed his eye for me. He's my gosh darned hero. T_T

Zukka Fic Recs

after atla came back into pop culture i found myself falling back in love with zukka which resulted in me reading (almost) every zukka fic on ao3 and here are my favorites

Transference by The_Quatermasters (146k)

In a modern AU, Zuko has to deal with settling in a new school after expulsion, dealing with an angry ex and an abusive father. Maybe his new found friendships and growing closeness with Sokka will help him make it through. 

Borderlines by The_Quatermasters (73k)

Three years after the war, the work still isn't quite done and the Gaang is scattered across the continents in their efforts to help the world recover. When Aang and Katara pay visit to the Fire Nation where Zuko is Fire Lord and Sokka acts as Ambassador for the Water Tribe, sparks fly between the siblings over Sokka's life choices.

Ashes Inside When You Finish Your Song by Muncaster (47k)

Sokka writes lyrics for his sister’s band. Zuko plays piano and is unnecessarily nice. Fellas, is it gay to write love songs about your friend and his golden eyes?

(AKA, a modern band AU featuring The Gaang, crappy software equipment, homoerotic lyrics, and the realization that maybe, if you think about a guy every night before you sleep, you just might be in love with him.)

sirens & sleepless nights by Satirrian (54k)

Life can be pretty hard living in a city under a totalitarian regime. Between adhering to the ridiculous curfew, keeping himself from being gunned down by a passing patrolman, and paying his unnecessary tolls to the state for, say, breathing, Sokka has his hands full just getting to work. Add aiding a resistance group on top of that, and Sokka should really be getting paid for this.

Then, one night, Sokka finds an injured patrolman collapsed in the street, who tells him with blood on his lips, “If the patrol finds me, I’m dead.”

 Real Slow by surveycorpsjean (21k)

“I see.” Zuko closes the scroll. “Is the Water Tribe sending a replacement?”

“Uh yeah,” Sokka gestures to himself dramatically. “You’re looking at him.”

 First by HoneyBadgerMole (20k)

Zuko has been nurturing a crush on the jock in his AP Psych class but he has been too scared to talk to him until they get paired up for a project.

the benefits of getting a flat tire by LesbeanLatte (64k)

Zuko makes an impromptu decision to run away from home after a disturbing conversation with Azula. Unfortunately, some plans are better when they're actually, well, planned. Zuko isn't counting on getting a flat tire almost as soon as he's far enough away from the city to really be in the middle of nowhere.

Sokka is immediately taken with the stranger he and his friends find stranded on the side of the road during an afternoon joy ride. However, he has no idea what he's getting involved with and a kind attempt to help a fellow teen in need turns into a massive coverup for a missing person who just so happens to be the son of the mayor of Ba Sing Se.

Azula was just trying to help her big brother - in her own way - by telling him things she thought he deserved to know. Now the situation has gotten wildly out of control. Did she enjoy seeing Zuko upset and afraid? Of course. Had she intended to endanger his life? Not necessarily, but of course, her idiot brother overreacted to everything and that's what happened and now she doesn't know how to stop the chain of events she's indirectly put in place like dominoes.

Operation Leverage by snowandfire (50k)

Sokka's instincts are onto something great. Zuko just wants to serve tea and brood in peace. Ironically, Toph is the only one who can see what's really going on.

 The Stingray by Smediterranea (24k)

“You’re not carrying me.”

“I don’t mind,” the lifeguard says easily.

“I can just hop over.”

“On sand?”

Zuko will never admit it, but being carried feels pretty nice. The lifeguard sets him down and eyes him warily.

“Are you really all by yourself?” he asks in a worried tone. “No friends in town you can call to check on you?”

“No,” Zuko confirms. Tears are forming again with alarming speed; his foot throbs painfully with every passing second.

“What kind of burrito do you want?”

“You don’t have to —“ Zuko repeats.

“I’m getting al pastor. You like al pastor?”

 AU: Zuko falls for Sokka, the super hot lifeguard who helps him after an unfortunate encounter with a stingray.

 it's the illusion of separation by argentoswan (110k)

Sokka takes a job washing dishes at the new tea shop in town. It's a great gig, until he finds out his only coworker is his old high school bully. Sokka really should quit, but he also really needs to afford rent.

Also, Zuko is kind of hot now.

 People like to think war means something by trying_to_spell_both_our_names_at_once (21k)

Sokka was the first to leave.

Somehow that hurt the most. . . . Not long after Zuko becomes Firelord, forces gather in the South and next thing he knows he's thrown into a civil war with almost no one by his side. Maybe healing is longer and more complicated than it needs to be, but with the right people by your side it is always possible.

 a way that will destroy you by anothermistakemade (14k)

In the wake of Ozai's death, Zuko begins to fall apart. Sokka will do everything in his power to make sure that doesn't happen.

-

or, zuko might be losing his mind, but he also might just be really sad & traumatized

 Those Who Favor Fire by CSHfic, VSfic (30k)

After a failed attempt on his life, Sokka fakes his death, dons a disguise, and infiltrates the would-be assassin's ranks in an attempt to bring them down from the inside.

Zuko learns of his husband's tragic death, mourns, and vows revenge.

 Words Mean More at Night by DaisytheDoodleDog (28k)

Even ten years after the end of the war, rebellions rise and risk the balance of the nations. Sokka was willing to do anything to protect his people, which is perhaps why he's leading an army against the rebellion, attacking only as a last result. But Sokka's unwinding, it's taking a toll on him, and the only thing keeping him grounded are the letter Zuko and him exchange late in the night when no one can see the messenger hawks. But as they say, nothing's fair in love and war.

another word for wanting by eurydicees (23k)

Sokka begins to dream of his soulmate when he's eleven years old, and it just gets harder from there. Or, 125 moments soulmates share, and none of them come easy.

(In which your dreams are your soulmate's memories, and Sokka dreams of an all-consuming fire, growing and eating at his soulmate until it burns up the connection between their souls. In which they find love anyways.)

 It Has Only Just Begun by Kirazalea (39k)

There is a bitter triumph in crashing when you should be soaring

Zuko had now chosen the path his uncle had been trying so hard to show him; he had someone who believed in him, who maybe loved him; he was travelling with the Avatar and they apparently had a plan to end the war. By all accounts, Zuko should be smiling.

But Uncle was gone (captured by Azula, and Zuko didn't think she would kill him, but he didn’t, couldn’t, know for sure). The Avatar was barely breathing (he could still die at any second and there was nothing any of them could do about it). Azula had conquered the last Earth Kingdom stronghold (all those innocent people who were now at her mercy). It seemed like, for every step Zuko took forward, the world sent him back three more.

But he was determined to push forward anyways. He needed to make his uncle proud, even if it was the last thing he ever did.

aka: zuko joins the gaang at the end of season 2

 Nightmares and Reveries by HisMomoness (20k)

Zuko doesn't sleep because when he does, he's haunted by nightmares. Sokka worms his way into a job and makes it his mission to get Zuko to relax. Lots of head pets and one vacation to the South Pole later, Zuko might just be getting the hang of it.

Cue pining, some fluff, and eventual romance.

 The One Who Stopped Time by ohhihoney (66k)

All hope was lost to Zuko until one day, his uncle asked a random person at the Jasmine Dragon to tutor his nephew. Gritting his teeth and embarrassed beyond the point of no return, Zuko gave the blue eyed boy his number.

Little did Zuko know how much Sokka would change his world.

 Rubbed Off Stars by ohhihoney (2k)

Sokka wasn't going to just sit and watch the boy at the back of the bus cry while trying to rub off pride flags off his cheeks.

--------------

WIP

Ozymandias, King of Kings by Think_of_a_Wonderful_Thought (168k)

After that fateful Agni Kai, Ozai makes a different call. Branded as a traitor and banished to a prison camp, Zuko learns how cruel the Fire Nation can be to its citizens. Three years, a water tribe raid, and an unexpected meeting with a gang of over-enthusiastic idealistic children puts Zuko back in the spotlight. The revolution is coming and it wants another poster boy, but Zuko is not willing to lend his face to the cause.

 Another Brother by AvocadoLove (312k)

It was a mission of revenge. There weren't supposed to be any survivors, but Chief Hakoda couldn't bring himself to kill the Fire Nation boy. Against his better judgment, he brought him home. A Zuko joins the Water Tribe story.

--------------

BONUS : zuko x jet

Something to Hold Onto by Wildgoosery (122k)

Since the day the walls of Ba Sing Se fell, the Freedom Fighters have struggled to protect what remains of the city and its people. Jet and his second command, a mysterious boy named Li, have spent the summer piecing together an army, hoping for a chance to take the city back for good. But Li is also Zuko, and the time for that secret is quickly running out. Soon, he'll have to decide exactly who he is, what cause he's going to fight for, and where his heart lies.

The first to react was Kine.

“Hey~! Water! It’s the sound of water!”

“Where’s the sound coming from?!”

Kirby and co. surveyed the area.

“The tree’s roots!” Kine shouted. “The water's coming out of the tree’s roots!”

From the roots of the Dreamstalk, in the lake, clean water gushed out. Not only the water, but the Dreamstalk itself was changing. The trunk and leaves were dull colors, but, in the blink of an eye, it became a bright green.

“Look!” Kirby yelled. “The Dreamstalk’s all better now!”

“Because Pirka’s heart has been cleared,” Coo said, “the spell’s effects have disappeared. Which means…”

Coo got cut off by a sudden voice.

“Huh? Where am I? Why am I here?...”

It was King Dedede.

Looking as if he had just woken up from sleep, he looked around. Meta Knight was also returning to normal.

“What happened? Why is water flowing out of the roots of-”

Meta Knight looked at the group one by one, and, in the end, stopped on Pirka. He seemed to have pieced together what had happened. He sighed, and picked up his treasured sword Galaxia again.

“It seems that King Dedede and I, possibly, were being controlled. Sorry.”

“What? I don’t remember anything about being controlled!!” King Dedede insisted.

“Don’t you remember?” Rick asked. “You sent me flying with your hammer!!”

“Wait, what?”

King Dedede shifted his focus. His sharp gaze caught Pirka.

“You did this, didn’t you!?!”

“Wait, Dedede!"

Kirby stood in front of the great king and spread his arms out to block him.

“It’s over already! Pirka’s our friend now!”

“What do you mean she’s our friend now!? What an insult to someone as great as myself!!”

“I told you it’s over!!”

“Out of my way, Kirby!!”

King Dedede, looking absolutely furious, swung his hammer. Kirby nimbly dodged.

“Hey, that’s it,” he said, “let’s play tag!”

“Whaat?!”

“King Dedede’s it! Everyone, run!”

Kirby started running. Rick, Gooey, and Pirka ran in different directions.

“Heyyy! This isn’t a game of taaag! I’m getting really mad right now!!”

King Dedede, absolutely furious, chased after Pirka. Pirka was fast, but she was no match for the king, who was making a serious effort. In the blink of an eye, he caught her.

“Get ready, you pesky pixie!”

He was about to squeeze her, but Kirby tackled him.

“That’s enough! Pirka’s it next!”

“Yeah, I know!”

“RUN AWAAAY!” Pirka screamed.

Kirby started running. Even King Dedede got caught up in the fun and ran.

“Why am I…?” he said. “I shouldn’t be playing stupid games like tag. I’m really mad right now, so-”

As he said that, when Pirka started drawing near, the great king picked up in speed.

“Who would get caught by a loser like you!? Not me!!”

“Waaaait!”

As Pirka chased after the king and Rick, before they knew it, a loud laugh filled the air. Before everyone ran around, the lake had been filling up with more and more water.

“Clean water~!” Kine said. “Listen, Coo, do you think this water’s fine to swim in?”

“Perhaps,” Coo said, “with the shadow cast over Pirka’s heart gone, the Dreamstalk has regained its original power. This water should be pure and unpolluted.”

“Is this the same water that Kirby sucked up~? Are Kirby’s stomach and the Dreamstalk connected? Umm… umm…?”

No matter much he thought about it, it was impossible to understand. Kirby’s stomach was full of mysteries. So, Kine stopped thinking about it and jumped into the lake. As he swiftly swam around, he called out:

“Feels great~! This lakewater is super clean!”

“It appears the situation has been resolved,” Meta Knight said, “I was far from able to help. I was holding everyone back…”

“No,” Coo said, “if you two hadn’t fallen under her control, we would’ve caught Pirka much sooner. If that had happened, Pirka wouldn’t have been able to have a change of heart. In the end, we were very lucky to have struggled.”

“...though I’m hesitant to admit it, that is correct.”

Meta Knight nodded his head, then raised his voice:

“Come, let’s return to land soon.”

Kirby and the others, who heard this, stopped playing tag and gathered.

“Pirka, let’s go together!” Kirby said to Pirka.

“Huh? No, I...”

Pirka shook her head.

“Don’t worry,” Rick said, “of course we’re not gonna spill all the details to everyone. We’ll just tell them that we worked together with you to solve the problem up here.”

“Thanks, but I’m going to return to the village I came from, not Dream Land.”

Pirka looked at everyone.

“I haven’t gone back since I was exiled, but I still want to see everyone there. I must apologize to the children I had controlled. I don’t know if I could ever accept forgiveness, but… this time, I will try to become their friend.”

Pirka’s eyes were brightly sparkling.

“Is that so?”

Kirby nodded his head.

“Well then, farewell, Pirka! But, since we’re your friends, remember to come visit us here in Dream Land sometimes!”

“Thanks. I am truly grateful, Kirby.”

Pirka tightly held Kirby’s hand.

“Goodbye, everyone!”

“Goodbye, Pirka. See you later!”

Pirka spread her transparent wings and took off over the lake.

“Now then,” Meta Knight said, “let us return to the small boat.”

“Okie dokie!”

“Back to the painfully cramped boat again, huh?” King Dedede said as they walked to the small boat. “Great… hmm?”

Noticing Gooey unsteadily walking beside him, Dedede groaned.

“Why are you coming with us? Gooey!”

“Huhhhh?”

Gooey looked at the king in surprise.

“Because I wanna go home.”

“Didn’t you fly your way here?! You can go back by yourself!”

“Nah. I’m tired after all that fighting.”

“There’s no room for you!”

“There is~!”

“If I say there isn’t, then there isn’t!”

...somehow or other, all seven of them boarded the small boat, getting jam-packed in.

The small boat landed on the shore of the Rainbow Islands. Everyone who had been eagerly waiting for the return of Kirby and the others gathered at once. Captain Vul and the Meta-Knights greet Meta Knight, the first to get down, with cheers of joy.

“Lord Meta Knight! You’re safe!”

“Indeed. The operation was a success,” Meta Knight plainly informed. The Rainbow Islands’ inhabitants, surrounding the small boat, resounded.

“Just as one would expect from Lord Meta Knight!” Captain Vul shouted excitedly. “With Lord Meta Knight’s power, the Rainbow Islands were saved! Everyone should be grateful!”

“No, Captain Vul. It wasn’t my power.”

Meta Knight didn’t seem to want to be thanked, but Captain Vul didn’t understand.

“Oh! Someone as heroic as Lord Meta Knight would never show off his own accomplishments! What modesty! Everyone should follow his example!”

“Aye!”

The Meta-Knights were in high spirits.

“I knew I could count on Lord Meta Knight!”

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t accompany you!”

“I wish I could’ve seen Lord Meta Knight’s efforts!”

“Please let us hear the whole story later!”

“...”

Meta Knight became more silent than usual. After King Dedede got down from the small boat, all the Waddle Dees simultaneously sprung up in celebration.

“Hurraaaay, hurraaay!”

“Hurray for His Majesty!”

Just like Meta Knight, the king had been under Pirka’s control. However, he held no shame about it.

“Of course,” he said, proudly puffing up his chest with pride, “prepare for a barbeque on the beach! Grill the meat and vegetables! Don’t forget the marshmallows! Set up my parasol and beach chair!”

“Yes, Great King!”

Bandana Waddle Dee handed the king his life preserver and sunglasses. The king was in the mood for a vacation.

“Let’s get this party started! A beach party, Dedede-style!” the great king shouted in high spirits, when, suddenly, the area became dark, and then raindrops started falling.

“Wow, rain!” the islanders shouted with joy.

“Hurray! It’s been forever since we’ve gotten rain here!”

Their faces lit up, as they merrily frolicked around in the rain. Kirby, Rick, Kine, Coo, and Gooey got down from the small boat. Pick dashed up to Rick and embraced him.

“Welcome home, Rick! You really did it! It’s raining again!”

“Thanks to your lucky charm!”

Mine, seeming happy, cuddled up to Kine.

“Kine, did you get hurt?”

“I’m A-OK! I did my best for you~!”

“I know. I knew that if anyone could make it rain again, it’d be you!”

Pick and Mine, along with a large number of islanders, crowded around the group.

“Thanks, Kirby,” Pick said, “you saved the Rainbow Islands.”

“Gooey saved your island. We just helped him!” Kirby said. As he did, the islanders started clapping loudly.

“Thanks, Gooey!” they shouted.

Gooey, who was not very good at being all sunny and radiant, waved his tongue shyly. The rain steadily evolved into a downpour, dampening the dry ground. The once dried-up lakes and rivers filled up with water again. The fish jumped in with great energy. Of course, the only one on the joyous island who had become sulky at this sight was King Dedede.

“Ughhhhhhh…”

His plans of vacation had been ruined.

“Who had to make it rain!?” he yelled with a bitter-sounding voice.

“Um… you did, Your Majesty…”

“Wait, you’re right! Ughhhhhhh… I HATE THE RAAAAAAAIN!!”

The violent sound of rain drowned out the king’s laments.

The rain continued for the whole day, moistening the dried-up Rainbow Islands.

The next morning…

As the rain stopped, the morning sun shone down on the Rainbow Islands. Kirby and Bandana Waddle Dee, who had woken up early, walked to the sandy beach.

“I knew you could do it, Kirby,” Bandana Waddle Dee yelled, “the withered flowers are all better now!”

“We all worked together to get the job done!”

“I wish I could’ve gone with you too…”

“You could’ve gone with us if Meta Knight’s small boat was just a bit bigger.”

Kirby and Bandana Waddle Dee agilely jumped over a puddle of water.

“Tell me about what kind of adventure it was! What was above the clouds?”

At Bandana Dee’s question, Kirby sweetly smiled.

“It’s a secret!” he said.

“Huh? Why?”

“No matter what!”

“Oh, tell me, Kirby!”

“Nuh-uh!”

It was a secret that he couldn’t even tell a close friend like Bandana Dee. Bandana Dee seemed disappointed, but then, suddenly, he noticed something and yelled:

“Kirby, look! The Rainbow Bridge!”

From island to island, pretty Rainbow Bridges connected. Due to the lack of rain, the bridges had begun to fade away into nothing. Thanks to the rain returning after so long, the seven bright colors sparkled.

“Woah…”

“How nice!”

As the light of the morning sun intensified, the Rainbow Bridges’ colors grew prettier and prettier. As they basked in the refreshing breeze, the two would forever admire the Rainbow Bridges.

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Memories (Yuta x you)

Today is not a good day, my phone fell into a toilet bowl and we're on a road trip. I just got the chance to put it in rice and the screen won't budge when I touch. Hopefully everything will go well by tomorrow or Tuesday.

Anyways here is a new fanfiction for you all and for my broken heart :”)

enjoy! ps this is 95% real life story, this happened between me and my friend. but we got no string attached :-)

It was a blessing at first when the substitute teacher came in and announced that class was cancelled and we were allowed to just study anything by ourselves as long as we keep the room quiet. Half of the class were called for a laboratories class for practical exam practice. You are one of the second half of the class that won the privilege of not studying, you were so excited at first, not until you sit down with a question for one hour.

 Finally you have a time to rest in school, since the national exam test is coming closer and you along with your friends were twisting brains to memorize everything and make tons of practice quizzes.

There were only six or seven students in the class, one of them was your best guy friend ever since you two met in first year of senior high school. Now you were ready to graduate after passing the examination of course, and you did not realize it has been a long three years of sweet friendship with Yuta.

Nakamoto Yuta is a new student from Japan who caught your attention since the first day of orientation day, and you cannot lie that you were afraid of him at first. Probably because his Instagram feeds are nice and aesthetic; however, that was totally wrong. Yuta is a warm guy with a really funny humorous side when you know him. He happens to be one of your closest guy friends and he has a special space in your heart.

No, you did not see him as a man you want to be in a relationship with, you are so happy with the friendship bond now. Both of you like each other's joke and you just click with him. He never forgets you whenever he went for holidays, he always come back to school with a lot of special souvenirs for you. Since then, you've been giving him souvenirs too and that becomes the small vacation routine between you two.

Today you are stuck in the room with Yuta and your other friends. Just that a lot of them are sleeping and you did not want to sleep. You tried to busy yourself by studying and solving questions, but seeing Yuta just enjoying his free times makes you want to slack back and relax too. Well, Yuta is not like you in terms of academic focus. He did not study as hard as you, and usually even piggy backs you for projects. He loves modeling and dancing that he spent more of his time and effort there, though you have to admit that is cool of him to break the stereotype that man can model too.

Yuta glances from his sleeping position, between you and him were three tables. Three of your main squad sit there and were all away somehow. Yuta is sitting on the other end and stares at you.

"Study Yuta, you need to pass the exam. I can't help you. I am taking Chemistry and you are taking Biology. I cannot help you." you pause from trying to solve a long question.

Yuta shakes his head, "The exam won't determine my future. I'll graduate since my school report is nice. Chill."

You shrug your shoulder, "Well, Winwin is also taking Biology test, why don't you ask him for some study group time?"

Yuta just flips his hair and winks at you, "I have better things to do. Relax a bit please (y/n), you can do this why bother stressing yourself out?"

You want to hit him, but the school doesn't allow violence and you were raised to be a gentle girl.

At last the stress hits you and you stand up from your chair. Some eyes were watching you as you make your way to the big white board and uncap the marker. You slowly draw there and although you cannot draw, your feelings are moving your hands and you were covering the board with scribbles.

Your mind was like a pile of unsolved tangled strings and you were trying to straighten them out, but nothing seems to lead to an end. Maybe it's the pressure from your small heart saying you need to learn more for the exam because you are still unable to do it.

You scribble your thoughts into the white board and it is no longer clear, slowly the dark shadows of curls are covering the lower side of the box and you jolt in surprise when you feel someone tugs your hair into the back of your ear lobe and force an airpods into your ear.

"Hey!" you scream from the surprise and when you toss your head to see who is doing this, Yuta is standing there beside you with his secretive face.

"What?" you bring your hand to stop him from forcing a metal into your ear.

The other students are not paying attention to the two of you, for them you and Yuta were already so close to the point where people ask if you were dating him.

"Put it on quick." he whispers while glancing to the door, checking if there is any teacher walking by, because the rules here are strict about touching others.

You laugh thinking that why did he give you a piece of a Bluetooth ear phone if none of you have a phone right now. "What you want me to use this?" you grab the ear piece and he nods his head.

"There's no song here, we don't have a phone." you punch him.

He just ignores you and suddenly your ear hears the familiar catchy opening song of EXO-OBSESSION.

"I want you I want you want you." resonates in your ear and that did not fail to bring a smile on your face.

Yuta just smiles when he sees you already grooving into the intro and asking him to pump up the volume a little bit.

He puts his hand into his pocket and the song turns louder inside your ear.

"How?" you ask with a big surprised face, this song really brings your mood back.

He taps his pocket, "Shhh it's our secret."

You pull out a thumb to him and he calmly brings his hand to put down the strands of hair behind your ear to cover your ear.

"Cover them, make sure no one sees." he still steal glances to the door.

You nod your head, "Of course! You should've done this sooner. Hey can I have the eve by EXO next?"

he shakes his head, "I don't think you were going to violate the rules."

You shrug your shoulder, "Well if things go wrong, you were the one who got your phone confiscated, I don't."

Yuta's eyes widen and he playfully hands out his palm, "Return the earphone."

and you totally whine and pout in front of him, "Don't."

He smiles and just ruffles your hair, "Cutie."

You shudder, "Cheesy eew!"

The feelings you have to him remain unchanged, it's already super comfortable to have him as your best friend and he too clearly has crush on another girls. Whatever happens, you just wish nothing can break your bond with him. Nothing big and nothing small. Yuta will forever be your best friend and so will he.

Yuta just stands there beside you, his right hand takes the marker away from you and with his artistic skills he draw images of funny characters on the board. It's no longer dull and gloom, but filled with cute doodles.

"Thanks for the song and mood booster, but break is coming soon" you hand him back the ear piece and he quickly keeps his belongings in his bag.

"No problem" was all he said.

You sit back down on your chair, cheeks a bit red from realizing what he did might make someone blush deeply but not for you. Your mind plays back all the small attention he gave to you in the past three years.

"Hey (y/n), I am goin downstairs, what do you want?" he asks one day before leaving the class.

You check your bottle, "Water please. Let me take my wallet," you were about to walk to your chair, but he was faster "No need I'll go now. Just one right?" and zoomed he go.

"(y/n), I heard that Starbucks has a new card collection, maybe you want to buy them quickly before it ran out."

"(y/n)! Can I be in your team?"

"(y/n), I brought your favorite snacks."

He was so sweet, even when he did not mean to be sweet. He just knew how to cheer you up with the simplest thing and he knew you well.

"(y/n) I've used up all the soap you gave to me last holiday," he winks and you burst into a laugh. "You're sending me code to buy you a new one right?" and he just shows you his gummy smile and nods fiercely.

"(y/n) happy valentines!" he said and gave you a special unicorn shaped chocolate. You were surprised, your squad were confused, the class was wondering who gave you a big chocolate, but in the end you and Yuta keep the tie only up to best friend.

You cannot forget how surprised you were to receive the special unicorn chocolate, but that was the first and last special valentine gift you had from him. The next time he gave all his girl friends the same chocolate gifts, but you... you once won a special unicorn chocolate.

end.

i hope my phone can get back to normal real soon 😭😭😭

1062

survey by chrissylee22dc

A

Achievements: I guess I’m being asked to list some of mine...some of the ones I’m proudest of, at least, are graduating university with honors, landing a job (liking it is a big bonus), and taking up leadership positions.

Age: I am 22, but never felt quite like it.

Are you planning something right now? Kind of. I’m eyeing a long road trip to Tanay with just myself and go to one of their coffee shops, but idk when I’ll be able to do that. My wallet and bank account are still beat from Christmas lol (and until now I’m still buying gifts for friends), so it might have to wait until sometime next month.

Arizona or Alaska: I think Arizona weather is already quite like ours here, so I might enjoy Alaska a bit (if not a lot) more. There’s generally a lot more factors I find interesting with Alaska, like their food.

B

Birthdate: April 21st.

Build: I’m quite thin and underweight, but I actually recently made plans to start working out - both to make an effort to be healthy with myself, and also to feel good post-breakup. I’m hoping to see some changes in my body and build in the coming months.

Babies, do you have any? None of those, not sure if that’s still the plan for me.

Blonde or Brunette: Brunette.

C

Childhood sweetheart: Erm, does Gab count? We technically weren’t kids anymore when we first got together. I wasn’t attracted to anyone as a kid and was more concerned with growing my Pokemon pogs collection.

Current mood: I’m hungry and can go for savory breakfast foods right now, like shakshuka or huevos rancheros. Also a little anxious because I really don’t want to think about work, but tasks continue to pile up for a certain client.

Children, are there more in your future? There aren’t even any to begin with.

Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi just because it reminds me of Punk and my chaotic wrestling fangirl years.

D

Dad's name: Edgardo, but no one calls him by that full name. He has two nicknames; one of which he hates and only family and friends use, and the other is the name he has permanently introduced himself as in his workplace.

Dating anyone: Not anymore.

Do you plan on having lots of money? Don’t most people?

Dogs or cats: Dogs.

E

Elementary School: I’m not sharing that.

Eye color: Dark brown/black.

Ever going to China? Probably not right now considering the present situation. I’d love to go to the rural cities and have a peek into their country life.

Early or Late: EARLY. Lateness is a big pet peeve, unless the excuse is super reasonable like Manila traffic or a car accident.

F

First Crush: The first person I felt remotely attractive to was Andi, from 6th grade. Then she moved to New Zealand and the crush quickly faded out.

Fears: For concrete things, I hate cockroaches and fair rides. For bigger concepts, I fear getting left behind, failing, and not getting approval, and the idea of never being satisfied or happy with who I am, what I’ve done, or where I’ve gone.

Future goals: Have a place of my own, be able to sustain myself, and keep myself alive.

Funny or Serious: I think everyone has to have both sides. I wouldn’t want to hang out long with people who can’t be sat down to just shoot the shit with conversations that go a little deeper. At the same time, I’d be quickly bored with someone who talks about existential or philosophical topics 24/7 and takes everything seriously.

G

Grandparent's names: On my dad’s side, Dolores and Federico; on my mom’s side, Agnes and Jun. My maternal grandpa is the third in multiple generations of Abelardos in the family, but his nickname is simply ‘Jun,’ because Philippines.

GPA: We don’t measure our grades with that, but we do have a GWA; I’m just not sure how that can be converted to GPA. Mine was in the 1.47 range, which was good enough for cum laude honors. I barely missed out on a magna cum laude honor (which required a 1.45 GWA), so that’s something I’ve always been pressed about and I know I could have clinched it if the pandemic didn’t cancel my final semester, which would’ve given me the chance to pull up my grades.

Going anywhere this weekend? I don’t think so. I want to spend the remaining 5 days of my break completely unproductively.

Giver or Taker: Giver. I like pleasing people.

H

High School: I attended one school from kindergarten to high school.

Hair color: Black.

Hate anyone for life? I don’t think so. I dislike some people, but I can’t tell if I’ll feel that way for the rest of my life.

Hairspray or Gel: When I’m going somewhere or attending something fancy, I use hair gel to hold my hair down.

I

In 8th grade, who was your best friend? Eighth grade is freshman year of high school, right? In that case, my best friend was Gabie.

Is ignorance bliss? Sometimes it is. I like no longer being updated about Gabie’s life. Back when I still tried to push my way in, I was miserable. I stopped doing so over the holidays and I just stopped reaching out, stopped trying to communicate, everything. I’ve been a lot happier that way.

Is there anything you wanna share? That’s kinda the goal with every survey I take.

Ice Cream or Cake: Right now, maybe ice cream. I’m very picky about cake, and I don’t like the spongy ones aka most cakes I know.

J

Jumped rope for fun: That’s exactly what I use jump ropes for. I don’t think I ever used it for fitness or working out except for maybe PE.

Junk around you right now? I mean, not really. I have my embroidery stuff in a pile beside me, but I don’t consider them junk.

Joining anything anytime soon? Not planning on it. I briefly considered joining a gym as a new thing to do for 2021, but in the end I figured working out at home would be enough. Angela recommended the latter as well, so that’s how I abandoned my gym plans quickly haha.

January or July: I guess July? January always feels just a teeny bit stranger than other months, considering it’s the beginning of a new year.

K

Killed anyone: ...This serious?

Keeping a secret? I keep different secrets from different people.

Kicking someone off your top friends today? I don’t think that’s a thing anymore. Hasn’t been for a while.

Kiwi or Apple: Apple, just because I’ve never had the chance to taste kiwi.

L

Lost anyone close to you: I’ve lived 22 years, of course I have. I’d be very surprised if someone has lived that long but has never experienced losing people, whether from a fallout, from death, etc. Just this year alone I lost a great-aunt on my maternal grandpa’s side, and a ton of relatives from my maternal grandma’s side.

Last kiss, when and who: Gabie, three months ago.

List 3 people that you'll love forever: I can only think of Angela. And of course, Gab.

Lover or Fighter: Fighter, I suppose. I can be relentless. Right now with my breakup has been the only time I allowed myself to take a step back and not forcibly take things under my control for once.

M

Middle School: We don’t follow the concept of middle school here. The levels in middle school fall under elementary school as well.

Marital Status: Single.

Mom's name: Abigail.

Music or TV: TV.

N

Northernmost state you've been to: Batanes, which is as northernmost as northernmost gets in the Philippines.

Nickname: A lot of family members call me Byn, but for the most part Robyn has always been my main nickname.

Name your future boy and girl: I have yet to make up my mind about this.

Naughty or Nice: Nice. I never particularly feel ~naughty, and since the breakup I especially haven’t felt the need to be sexual.

O

Opened a piece of mail that wasn't yours? Sometimes I’ll open the electricity or water bill addressed to my parents out of curiosity just to find out how much we consumed in the last month. But nothing more than that.

Occupation: I’m an associate at a PR agency.

Owe anyone money: Nope.

Outgoing or Shy: Shy at first but I can get outgoing once I’ve warmed up to a person/situation.

P

Place you most want to be? Right now? I’d love to be at a coffee shop or bar at a higher altitude, with a view of the city. I used to go to a lot of these before the pandemic hit, but now I’m thinking of doing it again.

Purposely destroyed someone’s life? No.

Planning a major trip? Not really. Most tourist spots require swab tests and I am not having anything go up my nose.

Pink or Black? Love both, but I like pink ever so slightly more.

Q

Quit a class: I’ve never dropped a class. I’ve wanted to, but there was so much paperwork to fill out to do so and I also didn’t want to be behind on my overall schedule.

Quickly...the first word to come to mind: Whistle, because the pink/black question reminded me of Blackpink.

Quitting your job soon? No lol I’m barely two months in.

Quiet or Loud: I can be both, but these days I’ve been quieter.

R

Riding in an airplane: I have no idea what this is asking.

Ride, tell me about yours: ^ Same.

Running for any political office in the future? No plans to.

Rain or Snow: I guess rain, since it’s the only one I’ve experienced.

S

Siblings names and ages: Nina is 20, my brother is 17.

Shoe size: I fit anywhere between a size 6 to 7.

Shave daily? It used to be daily, but I haven’t had the need to since the quarantine began.

Shower or Bath: Shower.

T

Turning 21 was (will be): It’s been a year since then.

Texas, ever been? No but I have relatives who live there, so it’s one of my choice states to visit and stay at if I ever plan to go to the US.

Think you'll live to be 100? I doubt it. I don’t have any relatives who lived until that age.

Tame or Wild: Idk, tame I guess?? I don’t know what this is asking.

U

Unique quality about you: I feel like this is a question best answered by other people who see and interact with me more than I do myself.

Underwear on? Yeah.

Under your bed lies: Large containers with all the magazines I collected from childhood that I can’t bring myself to throw out.

Under or Over: Idk, you have to be more specific.

V

Virgin? No.

Vacation time left? I have five days left, including today :( I plan to be the most unproductive or bum-y I’ve ever been, because I have no clue when I’ll have a break this long again.

Voting in the next Presidential election? Of course.

Volleyball or Swimming: I like swimming more, but I like watching volleyball.

W

Went white water rafting? I don’t think so, but I would give it a shot.

Wearing right now: A hoodie that’s around two sizes bigger for me.

Write a sentence about you: About anything? I’m a little upset with myself for having been a bit lousy with survey-taking during the holiday break. I planned on taking a lot to catch up on the ones I’ve missed out on, but so far I mostly take just one a day lol.

West Coast or East Coast: East.

X

X-Rays in the past month: 0.

X-Mas plans: Had a get-together with my mom’s side of the family on the 24th; we hosted our own Christmas party on the 25th; and we visited my dad’s side of the family on the 26th.

X, does it mark the spot? Idk.

X-Tina or Britney? Britney.

Y

You lost "it" when? I mean, I’ve had more than one moment where I freaked out...

Your favorite song:  I’m really in love with Saw You In A Dream by The Japanese House. My favorite songs come and go, but this one has been a constant.

Your favorite place on Earth: Sagada.

Yes or No: Idk. I’m not enjoying these vague ass questions.

Z

Zodiac Sign: Taurus.

Zodiac Sign: Idk, I’m still a Taurus.

Zippos are neat, agree? I don’t have an opinion.

Zoo or Circus: Neither.

∞Yeah I’m out for the night, fellows. Reasons below. 

Today turned real hard this evening because I finally got news about Hell’s Granny. She’s relatively fine, but at 93 she finally had her first (minor??????) stroke. She seriously waited until 6 AM this morning to call my dad (who lives literally four doors down the street for this reason) because she thought it was just a migraine and wanted to make sure he got enough sleep because he’s a banker and has been working his ass off during the pandemic restructuring federal and public loans. And while she’s amazingly cogent and in good shape, because of my maternal grandad’s super abrupt coronary in April, she’s now my last grandparent. And I love my grandad, but between Hell’s Granny and my late gran, those two women were the reason why I never went to daycare or had a babysitter as a kid. This woman taught me how to hold a fucking pencil, write in cursive, arrange silverware according to high tea standards, garden like a badass, iron collared shirts, make Yorkshire pudding, and pick and process raspberries and rhubarb all before I was 7. 

She left her small hometown in Saskatchewan before she was 10 because her mother took her and her (technical - weird rural families are weird) niece to Drumheller, Alberta because of some truly horrendous shit done to that niece. So great-gran said Fuck The Patriarchy (because my gran was also an illegitimate child which at the time was Yikes), and took these two young girls to a mining town where Hell’s Granny later - with only the education a 14 year old woman could get in rural Alberta in the ‘40s - fucking took, didn’t ask, just took a job at the local mining office. This woman never finished high school, but then was the sole business partner and dispatcher for my paternal grandad’s trucking company, and often did delivery drives on her own. And she still lives in the house my dad grew up in (after they moved to the States) and drives? (She should definitely be doing neither, but predictably she’s a stubborn old bat.) 

And at fucking 93 she’s been starting to “feel her age.” 

Like. I’m sorry but for this literal ironsides woman to be feeling frail is hitting so fucking hard. Especially considering she sent me a care package to NYC before my parents even fucking managed it, and of course she sent me a gorgeous glass tea pot and cup set for blooming tea, and half a dozen tea bulbs. She watches the news every morning at 6 AM MST to know the weather in New York to know if I’m going to have a nice day. This woman wanted to buy a Hummer or a Camaro when she was car shopping in her 70s, and went on vacations to Mexico almost every year during that decade of her life. She wanted to go skydiving for her 80th birthday, but her blood pressure was too high. And even now, she wants to last long enough to meet both of her newest incoming great-grandchildren (due in November and February), and then come to see me in NYC if and when COVID resolves.

And even today when I called her in the hospital she hits me with the, “Well, love, time for the old noggin to get an oil change I guess.” Her job is to worry about her family, not be worried about and I am just. I’m hurting for her putting on that brave face for her grandkids, and holding out for her great-grandchildren.

So for those of you that don’t know even aside from the above totally valid wibbly nonsense, I’m also flashing back very hard to about 2017. Because back in 2017 I’d graduated from my first MA and had gotten into a PhD programme at the University of Edinburgh, which naturally I was over the moon about. My late gran at that time was at the final stages of serious terminal downward slope from dementia - a fight and decline I as the youngest of my siblings had been helping my mum through both emotionally and physically in helping her move her from facility to facility for almost 10 years - and in fact was too fragile to even be moved into a hospice facility so had to stay in her facility. She was literal skin and bones, and we had to sponge swab water onto her lips and eyelids. It was truly gruesome at the end. 

I knew then when I left for Scotland I would never see her alive again, but even after making peace and saying goodbye to her, it fucking ruined me that it turned out while I had been in flight and out of service she died the morning I arrived. Not only was UE a bad fit for me - because there was no funding available and I would have ended up $200K in debt from that alone - but my mum was in absolute pieces because of lack of family support from her husband and her brother (let alone her sons, who I am still bitter toward for that). So I spent less than a week in Scotland before wrapping up the programme - I cancelled my student loans 2 hours before the deadline - and flying home barely in time for her funeral. (My return flight even got delayed by hurricane Irma evacuation efforts, so I landed less than 10 hours before the service.) So needless to say, not a happy time. I had no job, no savings, no plans. I spent three months living with my parents which for my mum’s mental health was vital because my step-dad has the empathic capacity of a pile of bricks, but for me it was the darkest time of my adult life.

This year is the first time my career has gotten to get back on track since then.

Now, where I’m at with NYC isn’t that at all. Literally. I’ve got great savings, have good funding from the school, and have had an amazing (totally unwarranted) cashflow this year in spite of the pandemic. New York is right, and I’m enjoying it and feel much more comfortable (in spite of roomie drama) than I ever did in Edinburgh. 

I have so much to do, and Hell’s Granny is far from gone. In fact she’s told me every time we’ve talked that she’s proud of me and wants me to keep going no matter what. That I’m her legacy.

But all that good shit aside, today was a huge trigger and kicked me straight back into the hugely traumatic similar situation I dealt with in 2017: in a cutting-edge graduate programme, far away, grandmother/family matriarch having end-of-life health problems = (to my mind) oh god you have to put your entire life on hold again and go fix it, and how long is it going to take to pick your career back up this time? And that’s not what’s going to happen because it can’t. There’s nothing I can do for this situation, for better or worse. 

All the same, I’ve seen where this road goes, and my dad has been incredibly blessed that it’s only starting now. Because it’s not pretty. It gets harder and more painful from here, and at her age that’s just the reality. But I don’t know if I can do this for her. I honestly don’t know if I’m strong enough to walk another parent through this downsizing-until-death stage, now of all times. I’ll be there for her the whole way as a grandchild, but I just. If I don’t keep going on my own path through this, I don’t know if I’d recover from putting my entire life down again. 

So I’m fucking terrified for this woman I love so much, deeply sad that there’s no turning back from here for her, and just... unsure how to be distant, how to be resigned, how to be self-preserving just yet. I’m working on it, working on deconstructing the trauma and working on being brave by staying true to my life. But I have to be, from a complete lack of alternatives.

Thus, there are two options for tomorrow. One: I stay home, panic, and mope. Maybe pick at things? Probably miserably lurk. Two: I jump a train into the city and go take pictures of the sights for my gran in a fab outfit and take a day for me. Buy some books or records? 

Maybe do a fucking touristy bar and have a finger of scotch for the old bird, in case she doesn’t get to.∞

Whumptober 2019 #19: Muffled Scream- Bungou Stray Dogs

I was finally able to tear away from the in-laws! This is the first holiday I've ever had a serious boyfriend and coming from a really small family myself, it's super strange to suddenly be a part of his enormous one. I went to him on the 25th, thinking I would stay over the night. Now, four days (and three family-gatherings later, with another two or three to go) … (and that's only his family)... I'm still here.

But, I was able to sneak off into the guest room where I have my computer and a bottle of wine, and now I'm itching to write!  So, this chapter is dark; consider yourself warned. Also, there’s a lot of character study (I guess?). Especially concerning Kenji, who is usually very under-represented in the fics I’ve read. That made me curious since after watching the anime and reading (most of) the manga, I still haven’t created a clear image of him. Read the first part of this story here ---

“These are all just spanning missions,” Tanizaki complained, sighing as he rested his chin in the palm of his hand, putting away yet another mission file from a suspicious spouse or a businessman, paranoid about his associate's intentions. “They always take up so much time and involves traveling and every time they are grossly underpaid!” He tiredly stretched out onto the hardwood table and buried his face in the fine-grained timber, groaning as his joints creaked with fatigue.

“None of these cases seems urgent enough to spend time on right now,” Kenji agreed solemnly, picking a random manila folder from the pile, opening it up in his lap.

“Maybe we can make something up. Like a missing person's case somewhere in the Caribbean,” Naomi suggested dreamingly, turning the page in her own file absentmindedly.

“Talk about wasting time,” Tanizaki responded a bit agitated and shot a glare towards his sister. “Besides, we wouldn't get paid to do that.”

“I just want a vacation,” she smirked, hand reaching out and making its way underneath the redhead's shirt. Tanizaki blushed violently and immediately tried to fight her off.

“That's so disrespectful to Dazai-san! This is a matter of-”

Ignoring the Tanizaki-sibling's bickering, Kenji's eyes trailed intensely over the new binder at hand, reading it quickly with great vigor, before he tried to break into the slightly disturbing fight going on at the other side of the counter from him.

“Guys?”

“-life and death and we don't have time for a freaking vacat-”

“Relax brother, I'm just messing around. What's with you-”

“Hey, guys?”

“...you're never any fun anymore.”

“I'm trying to focus!”

“Guys!” Kenji finally raised his voice. Not loudly; he wouldn't do that. His mother had raised him right, and shouting the loudest was not part of his gentle demeanor. But, the good thing about always being the jovial one, was that once he did speak up, everybody would hold up and listen. This time was no exception. The Tanizaki siblings turned, Naomi having nearly crawled under her brother's shirt and Junichirou trying desperately to keep her out.

Kenji paused for a moment to take in whatever was going on in front of him, eventually shrugging it off as being some big-city thing that he didn't quite understand yet. He hadn't seen anyone else try to crawl up someone else's shirt in the middle of a heated argument before, but he also didn't have any sisters... Maybe he could ask them about it later.

Satisfied with that, he slid the piece of paper over the table towards them.

Tanizaki picked it up and read silently before handing it over to Naomi, who had finally taken a seat at the chair her brother had initially set out for her.

“Niko Saito,” Junichirou mused while Naomi finished skimming through the papers. “Why does that sound so familiar?”

“It's the kid that we were looking for when Dazai went missing,” Naomi reminded him. Kenji nodded affirmatively.

“Six months ago, it was their mother who requested our help to find her missing daughter. But this time, it's her older sister. Look at the date,” Kenji instructed, pointing a chubby finger, nail coated with dirt from his small vegetable garden, towards the top of the page.

“That's only two weeks after Dazai went missing,” Tanizaki noted.

Kenji nodded again with a slight furrow between downy eyebrows, wrinkling his freckled forehead.

“Yeah... and two weeks after they recovered Niko Saito's body.” -------

The tray stood in the corner of the room, mocking him. Dazai hadn’t known that he was able to feel hunger anymore. He could go for days on end forgetting to eat, and only remembering when close to passing out. He didn't know how long he had gone this time, but apparently, longer than he used to in his life before. Maybe he had passed out already, but he couldn't be sure. Sleep and unconsciousness had always been two completely different things to him, but at this point, he took what he could get. Anything to get away, if only for a couple of minutes.

He wasn't even actually hungry anymore. It had gone far, far beyond the craving for food. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine that he felt his body eating away through the thin layer of fat he had, devouring away at his muscles instead.

It wasn't going to break him though. They would not make him get down on all four and eat from that tray like a dog. Not again.

The first time he had gotten to a point of hunger where pure animalistic appetite made him desperate enough to degrade himself to that extent; ignoring how they had literally glued the bowl to the floor and only tossed a scoop of an unidentifiable paste onto it- that’s when he had found out that whatever that pulp of brown puree was- it could not have been considered food for several weeks.

Anyone who truly knew Dazai could testify to that he had always been hyper-sensitive about what he ate and that he had a very weak stomach. For a moment, all he could do was to gorge into it in blind mania; desperately filling his gut with long sought-after nourishment. Then, after a short while, as the first bite where he could feel the maggots squirming between his teeth finally registered, he had instantly hurled out all of his meager stomach’s contents back into the bowl.

They left it there, deciding that he was ungrateful and needed to finish his meal before he could get a new one, and he had sworn that he would never eat anything ever again.

He hadn't been able to hold that promise to himself. He had failed, several times, and it had made him horribly sick. But after a while, they had started to replace his “food” more frequently. Dazai figured that they had noticed how sick he was, and figured that they would have to make some changes to keep him alive.

This had only fueled his determination to not eat. It was a small victory, but he took what he could get.

The sound of heavy boots echoed outside his isolation, and he felt his body tense up instinctively. He held his breath, praying they would pass him by. As they stopped only a small distance away from him, he started wracking his brain about when he had showered or been to the toilet the last time. Maybe it was time for that? Usually, nothing too bad would happen then. Only a couple of half-hearted kicks or whacks over the head if he was unable to pay attention.

...but he could remember the last time they had taken him out for that. He had no idea when it was, but the fact that he remembered at all was a bad sign for what was to come.

It creaked in a high pitched noise as the lock on the other side of the door he was shackled to slid open, and Dazai held his breath in anticipation for the pain to come. He wasn't actually afraid of the pain- it was simply something to be endured. Sometimes it would be gone in an instance and sometimes it would start small and gradually increase to a climax where it would absolutely suck- but it was still nothing to be afraid of. Other times, it would only be a dull, slightly irritating ache, and sometimes it would never truly go away. In the end, even if he hated it, it was the promise of it that was worst.

Suddenly, finally, he was yanked backward by his neck. The wounds on his knees were once again reopened as his scattered knees raked across the floor while a dizzying, immeasurable pain wracked through his body from his dislocated hip. His air supply was cut off right as the door was wrenched open and it felt as if his windpipe was being crushed by the force of it.

A strangled gasp swirled around in the cold hallway for a moment as he tried to catch his breath. He was getting lightheaded; he wasn't getting enough oxygen and he felt his whole body shudder with the effort it took just to draw a breath.

Half-aware, he could hear someone talking to him. Dark pants and combat boots were crowding around him, their prods lingering threateningly and close to him as they kept throwing commands at him, waiting for him to react.

Even if he couldn't make out what they were saying, he knew what they wanted and it made him want to chuckle. Because he couldn't get up on his feet even if he had been trying, and he wouldn't be trying even if he had thought he would be able to. Giving him a shock in the state he was in, would only make him less coherent, and make their job that much harder and make it absolutely hopeless to try and make him talk- yet again because he wouldn't be trying even he thought he would be able to.

A faint memory of an old folk tale about a snake eating its own tale came to mind. The ouroboros, he remembered. It was supposedly meant to symbolize life, death, and rebirth, but to Dazai, it had always seemed like it was a tale of a double-edged sword. People doing stupid shit and continuing doing stupid shit without gaining anything. Because no matter what, the snake would end up cannibalizing itself.

He wasn't sure if the snake was him or them in this scenario, but it didn't matter. None of them were getting anywhere anyway.

The sharp pain of electric shock pulled him out of his musings, aimed at his bare ribcage. Dazai was hardly able to react before his head was forced up by a death grip on his hair.

The man that spoke faded in and out of focus and his voice was nothing but a muffled sound that told Dazai absolutley nothing about what was going to happen next. Two strong hands were grabbing onto his skeletal arms and hoisted him up between them and started carrying him through the hallway, towards his inevitable doom. ----------

“Kunikida-san, we found something interesting,” Kenji announced as the three teenagers came rushing back into the office. A single casefile was fluttering in the blonde's hand and quickly, it was resting on his idealistic elder's arms that were still lingering at the keyboard connected to his computer.

Kunikida's hazel eyes slowly trailed down from his screen and onto the file, a small irritated nerve twitching at the edge of his eye.

“Yes?” he answered darkly before he shifted his attention to the eager fourteen-year-old. He was clearly trying to suppress his anger at being interrupted in the middle of work by yet another impatient teenager. But looking into those hopefull emerald eyes, his fury quickly diminished, albeit reluctantly.

Being mad at Kenji was much like holding a grudge to a puppy. In the end, it would only make him feel like a heartless monster.

He took a deep, steadying breath, mentally sifting through different voices and reactions, once again realizing how big of a void the loss of Dazai had left. 

With him, it was so easy. No matter how Kunikida reacted, how much abuse and rage he subjected the glorified toilet-roll to, it would just roll off his back as if the reaction to his antics hadn’t been (slightly) unreasonable.

It was just so liberating. Kunikida always had to censor himself around other people, in fear of hurting them. In the end, that had been his downfall as a teacher. But that was mainly because kids were just so damn stupid. There were so many feelings all the time; so many feelings that always seemed to get hurt by him. In the end, that hurt him as well, but that didn't matter much when he was called into the principle's office for a tongue-lashing or a peace offering to the student he had offended's parents.

Admittedly, he respected all the brats he worked with at the agency, and things had been going well while he had his verbal punching-bag there, with him. Now, however, he found himself stepping over the line more often than not.

He needed to do better, if not for himself, then for the kids and Dazai. Because Dazai cared for those brats. Often, it seemed like Dazai even cared about him, which... felt strangely nice. Because people didn't usually like him at all. They thought he was too stubborn and rule-abiding and mean.

But not Dazai. If Kunikida hadn’t known any better (which he absolutely did) he would have thought that Dazai was slightly stupid, accepting a bitter and angry man like himself for who he was just like that. There was simply no logical reason for it if he couldn’t think of one.

“A-are you okay Kunikida-san?” Kenji suddenly asked, bringing Kunikida out of his toxic train of thoughts. Moss-rimmed eyes stared at him with a concerned squint to them, and the frost that had crept up on him seemed to melt away in a moment.

“Yes, Kenji-kun. I got lost in thought for a moment, that's all. Don't worry about it,” Kunikida answered, slightly surprised by the softness of his own voice. As the worry slowly vanished from the boy's face, Kunikida continued just as calmly, “what is it that you've found?”

The teen's face lit up in an instant and opened the file for him, pointing towards the page where the applier had to register their personal information.

“This case came in just two weeks after Dazai-san went missing,” he explained eagerly.

“It's about the same girl he was looking for, except this time, it's from the girl's sister,” Tanizaki shot in.

“But they found her, didn't they?” Kunikida asked as he read through the first page, scratching the small stubbles on his chin.

“Yeah, unfortunately, they found her washed up along the Yokohama river, but that's not actually the point. Dazai-san went missing just a few days after she was found dead-”

“It looked like a drowning, but the girl was an excellent swimmer,” Ranpo interrupted Kenji, stepping forward between the three teens and gaining their attention.

“Her sister, Hinata, said that Niko was captain of the swimming team when she and her mother came by when the girl initially went missing. She held a record for holding her breath the longest on her swimming team,” he reminisced.

“I remember that,” Kunikida murmured thoughtfully.

“So, when she was found, the police decided it was an accidental drowning and closed the case. Apparently, the sister must think otherwise,” Ranpo deducted.

“Do you know what she was wearing when they found her?” Kunikida asked.

“She had stripped to her u-undergarments,” Ranpo said shyly, blushing as he remembered the crime-scene photos he had gotten a small glimpse of while helping the police with a different case.

“It was in the middle of summer. She might have felt like a spontaneous swim,” Naomi pointed out.

“But she had swim practice every day. It seems unlikely that she wouldn't have her bathing suit with her,” Kenji retorted.

Silence fell upon the room for a while as the five of them thought. Eventually, it was Kenji who broke the silence.

“So, what do you think Kunikida-san? Is this a lead we should be looking into?”

This time Kunikida didn't miss a beat. If anything, he was kicking himself for not having doubted the outcome of the case that Dazai had gone missing after sooner. When did he start trusting that the police knew what they were doing if not Ranpo had aided the investigation anyway? Those lazy bastards were getting way too comfortable these days.

“Absolutely.”

------------------

This was new, and new was never good. Not in this place, anyway.

Dazai was strapped to a table he recognized from his days in the Port Mafia. It was a surgical table, there was no doubt about that. But not the soft leathery ones, covered in blue or green rolls of paper. This was made of steel and felt unyielding and chilled down his bare back and every part of his body that could possibly move was strapped down by belts with big buckles that buried painfully into his skin as he tried to move.

His eyes darted from one side to the other- trying to get just the slightest of hints about what was about to happen to him. Slight recognition of the room dawned upon him, but he would only wake up there when he was at his weakest; at the absolute brink of death. That gave him a faint hope of not getting out of there alive.

That made him calm down a little, with the hope that this could possibly be the last stop; the stop he was getting off on after an endless train ride with a long-expired ticket.

An apparition appeared at the edge of his vision. He expected that it would be Dr.You-shall-no-pass, as he had nicknamed him, inspired by a long-ago memory he had after being forced to watch a strange movie at the cinema as an important client's date in his Port Mafia-days.

Dr.You-shall-not-pass would make sure that he got the life-saving treatment each time they had pushed him too far (or as of late; when he had pushed himself too far), but this time, that was not what met him.

It was Him. The middle-aged guy with the smoker's laugh. Icy blue eyes stared down at him with a satisfied grin, uncovering his yellowing teeth. Without meaning to, the small amount of air Dazai was able to inhale got caught in his throat and if he wasn't so dehydrated, he would spit into that smug face.

“Now, young man,” the man said with his graveled voice. The parting nicotine-stained teeth revealed a souring breath; not being able to breathe properly while having his nose stuffed with sickness after days, weeks or months of malnourishment was all that kept Dazai from vomiting. 

“I heard that you haven't been eating the food I've prepared- just for you. Now that just breaks my heart.”

'Food is a strong over-statement,' Dazai wanted to say, but as he opened his mouth to speak, two calloused hands abruptly appeared, seemingly out of nowhere and hastily made their way between his teeth, forcing his jaw open.

He immediately started to struggle, but his limbs were held down tightly and he could hardly move millimeters from the table. Dazai arched his back and bit down as hard as he could, but the hands that held his mouth open hardly seemed to flinch by his futile efforts.

Amidst his desperate fight to gain some control back of his own self, he could hear the venomous voice of his captor.

“If you won't eat, I guess we'll just have to feed you, won't we?”

A pale yellow tube closed in on him and his jaw was forced even wider. A small click sounded from somewhere close to his temples, and he wondered if his jaw had been dislocated. The hands holding the tube didn't relent by this, and Dazai stuck his tongue out to make yet another hinder for the feeding tube to pass, but all that left him was blood coating his gap as the sharp edges of the tube cut into if before the device was forced down his throat.

Panic like Dazai had never felt panic before hit him; something feral; animalistic providing him with a strength he didn't know he had. The bands against his right wrist suddenly snapped and immediately, he went for the tube, trying to tear it out from his throat.

A guard was quickly grabbing onto it, forcing it back far enough that they could hear the bone snap. Dazai let out a choked cry of anguish before several crackling prods were pushed into his line of sight.

He was able to feel a nauseating sensation of something filling up his gut before the shock-sticks shot him from several different angles. His vision was tunneling, and hicks for air ravaged through his entire body from the offending article forced into his insides while a muffled scream tore its way through his broken form, and he finally lost consciousness.

----------

Oh wow. That is becoming darker than I had anticipated. This story will be in several parts! So stay tuned!

Interlude: Back to the Motherland

CAMILA

Laying my head back against the wall I placed my hands on Jo’s back, gently rocking him side to side. While Dre is off getting Jo’s passport all squared away I stayed behind to charge our phones. This will be Jorden’s first official plane ride and as his mom and a travel enthusiasts, this excites me. This weekend will be the first time Jorden gets on a plane because of two reasons. My brothers, Mateo and Dario, are graduating from college and they invited me to the ceremony. The other reason for this trip is because my nana’s birthday is the day after the graduation. I’m very excited to see my little brothers and grandma after so much time has passed. A lot has happened since I last saw my mom's side of the family so this little vacation should be interesting. It's also been a while since Dre and I have had a little getaway. Even though Jo is tagging along I’m ready to enjoy some quality time with my man. The girls were super bummed about not coming with us, as Dre and I were too. However the girls can't afford to take two whole days off of school right now. 

Looking around the airport I scanned the area to find Andre but I lucked out.

“Where's poppa? Hm?” I mumbled to Jo who was very much asleep. Reaching for my phone I put in my passcode so I could call Dre to see where he went.

Just as I tapped his name I saw him walking toward Jo and I. Ending the call I set my phone back on the floor and wrapped my arms around Jo’s body.

“What happened? Everything good?” I asked, as he took Jo from my arms to help me stand up.

Dusting my butt off I took a seat by the window and crossed my arms over my chest.

“All good to fly. How are you feeling?” Dre asked, sitting next to me with our son wrapped around him like a koala bear. 

“I'm sleepy and super hungry. You never told me how you felt about meeting my little brothers and my mom’s side of the family for the first time.” I'm nervous on his behalf in regards to this vacation. Dre meeting my parents, Kenja, and Dani all went so well despite my nerves. But this is a much bigger move on our part as a couple and on his part as my man. 

“I'm...nervous I'm not even gonna lie to you. But on another note, I'm cool. Meeting your loved ones in the past have all gone so well so I have high hopes this time around. You want to go get something to eat?” He quizzed, finger twisting Jo’s curls. 

“Do we have enough time? What about our stuff?” I pressed, checking our boarding passes. We have plenty of time before our plane gets here so getting some grub is a sure fire plan. 

“I'll go look around while you stay here with Jo. I know how tired you are from packing and shit. What you want to eat?” Dre took my beanie off my head, pulling off some loose threads. He situated my hat back on my head making sure to cover my ears.

“Shit..I don't know. Nothing heavy so maybe something light. You know how funny Jo is when I eat certain foods.” Licking my lips I stretched my legs out, checking out my shoes.

“I know exactly what you need. Hold my baby, I'll be back.” We swapped places so Dre could go hunt for something to eat. The minute he left, Jo was stirring and making weird ass noises.

“Aw my sleepy baby.” I cooed softly. Jo has grown up so fast over the last eight months. My baby will be a year old in September and I'm conflicted on whether I'm sad or happy. One thing I can say is he learns quick. Jo is getting better everyday with his walking. I'm still breastfeeding and I feel very empowered and strong. I remember with Kenja I nursed her for fourteen months and then she switched to the bottle. Something tells me I'll nurse Jorden until around the same time. My health and Jorden's are sky high. Neither of us has yet to catch a cold or feel under the weather for any reason. My skin is free of breakouts, scars, my metabolism is running a little faster than I’m used to and it has a nice glow to it. And for these reasons Andre calls my breastmilk ‘super milk’.

Jo woke up enough to geek around with me for a good twenty-five minutes while Andre was on the hunt for food. It's going on nine o'clock in the evening meaning our plane should be here in a little while. My plan for an early flight went out the window because the boys slept all damn day long. I didn't put up a fuss mainly because the flight will be long enough to feed my baby whenever he wants. And I can get some much needed rest.

“Da!” Jo exclaimed, turning all the way around to see Dre coming over with what looks like a present.

“What did you get?” I asked, once he was within range to hear me.

“I found this sandwich place a couple of gates down. I got you that green shit you like as well.” He handed me a plastic cup filled with green liquid and a wrapped sandwich with my name on it.

Andre sat next to me unwrapping his own food and checking his phone. I put the straw to my lips and took a sip tasting delicious green smoothie. A soft moan escaped my lips at how smooth the texture is. Ever since I became pregnant with Jo I've been craving fresh juices and smoothies like all the time. And for some reason after drinking one of these Jo will feed for an hour straight so peacefully.

“Eme..” He groaned. Jo’s hands were reaching for my cup the longer I kept drinking.

“Okay, okay.” I sighed. Putting the straw to his lips I watched him sip my smoothie with joy in his eyes. 

“What did you get?” Turning my head I saw Dre stuffing his face with a wrap. He locked eyes with me as he demolished his wrap like this was his last meal. 

“I love how you never share with him,” I chuckled looking at Jo remove the straw from his mouth. He rubbed his little lips together, licking them too making sure he cleaned his face well. “You like what I eat and drink don't you baby?” I smiled, setting my cup down to unwrap my sandwich. 

“You got him started with that healthy lifestyle before I came home. He adapted your eating habits from inside the womb. Be proud. Not many babies his age eat the way he does.” Andre said fixing Jorden’s sweatshirt.

“Yeah I guess you’re right.” I shrugged, removing a cucumber from my sandwich. I bit off the outer ring so Jorden wouldn't have a hard time getting to the center. Holding up the piece of cucumber to his mouth I encouraged him to take a bite.

The three of us sat quietly eating our food watching other people take their seats around us. By the time we finished eating and I escaped to the bathroom with the baby it was time to board. I met up with Andre outside the family bathroom so we could get in the line starting to form.

“Flight 771 is now boarding. At this time we are calling for families traveling with children under the age of five. Please have your boarding passes and passports if you have those handy, ready for scanning. If you would like us to inspect your carry on we can do that as well.” The woman called out over her microphone.

“That's us babe come on.” Dre held onto our carry-on bags while I kept a hold of the tickets, our passports and Jorden.

We made it through the gate, walking down to the plane. While Jo was messing with my hair I gave Dre our papers and passport booklets to put back inside of my bag. I didn't want to chance this information getting lost or stolen. TSA will be a bitch to get through without this information. Although Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory and we don’t need our passports to go there I wanted to be sure we could get there and back with no issues. I took my seat by the window trying to get Jorden settled. Dre put his carry on in the overhead cabinet because his was bigger than mine. I stuffed mine to the left of me so we both had enough legroom for this long flight ahead of us.

-------------  -------------

Feeling a hand squeeze my chin woke me up out of my sleep. Rubbing my eyes roughly I looked to my left to find Andre knocked out, quietly snoring under the blanket. His headphones were sliding off of his ears so I reached over to adjust them. 

“Hmm. Mem.” Jorden babbled suddenly. I gave him my attention to find him wide awake staring me down.

“Is my baby hungry?” I whispered, glancing out the window to see nothing but darkness. So far the flight has been so smooth. I peeped the time on my phone seeing half past midnight. After I unzipped my sweatshirt I made sure no flight attendants or passengers were looking. Pulling one half on my tank top down I situated Jo in my arms getting him as close to my breast as possible. I no longer need to help guide my baby to my nipple. He got the hang of it around the time he turned six months surprising me and his father to the fullest.

Jo was watching me as I watched him eat so calmly. Breastfeeding is one of my favorite activities. It eases my tension and clears my mind of all the negativity and reminders of what I'm responsible for on a daily basis. This time is also what helps the bond between my son and I grow stronger. I loved nursing Kenja and I love nursing her brother just as much.

“Veinte, treinta, cuarenta, cincuenta, sesenta, setenta, ochenta, noventa, cien..” I went on to count to two hundred in Spanish while Jorden ate and pulled at my hair. I've tried to make the effort to teach him Spanish young just like I did with Kenja after I had her. She picked it up easily because I drilled it into her from the start. Because Dre had a tough time picking up some of the basic phrases himself I tend to stray away from using Spanish with him but sometimes I just can't help it. For example when we make love it’s natural for me to spit out demands, tell him how satisfied I am, or just to talk my shit. Zoe even asks for little lessons every now and then and she enjoys them quite a bit.

I sang Jo the alphabet and just throwing out random vocab words being as quiet as I knew how. Everyone around us was asleep and I didn't want to be that rude passenger who couldn’t keep their voice down. The plane started experiencing some turbulence scaring me a bit.

Cuddling Jo’s body closer to me I rocked us from side to side. I focused all my energy on my baby, brushing through his hair and smoothing out his little eyebrows. I find it hard to keep my hands off Jorden when I'm feeding him. This is like the only time he doesn't fight me off of him. 

-------—     ----------

Feeling the sensation of a bright light on my face I fluttered my eyes open slowly. Jorden was cuddled up to my chest with my jacket gripped in his hand. His mouth was wide open with my nipple covering one of his nostrils. Pulling him away from my breast I wiped the dried milk from his cheek and laid him across my thighs. As I was composing myself I looked around to see other passengers waking up and stretching in their seats.

“Buenos días pasajeros, bienvenidos a San Juan, Puerto Rico. This is your captain speaking to inform you that the plane will be landing in approximately fifteen minutes. The flight attendants will be coming around shortly to collect all trash items. Don't forget to check your area to ensure you do not leave any personal belongings behind. Por favor, permanezcan sentados hasta que el cinturón de seguridad que se haya apagado la luz y gracias por volar con Delta. Que tengas un buen viaje!”

The pilot's voice woke Dre up in a slight panic. He was blinking rapidly, looking around at other people. He ripped his headphones off his head ready to jump up from his seat. 

“Relan honey you're alright.” I chuckled. Picking Jo up off my legs I laid him against my chest, closing my eyes to enjoy the last bit of rest I'll probably get until tonight. We have a very long day ahead of us but it'll be a good one. I've never been this excited to see my abuela and my brothers. As far as knowing what other family members I'll get to see that I don't know but I'm still excited. 

“Damn we made it? Have I been sleep the entire flight?” Andre stretched his arms and legs out, checking his phone afterward. 

“Yeah you did. I told you that you would sleep the whole way here but you didn't believe me.” Pulling the window slip upward I felt my eyes enlarge at my beautiful homeland. I love this island so much. I just can't believe I'm from here along with half of my family lineage. Growing up I never knew how to appreciate where I came from. Now that I'm older and have been through some shit, I will never take this place for granted again. 

“Miren chicos esta es mi casa..” I beamed, tapping Andre’s arm to grab his attention. 

I felt his face sitting on my shoulder taking in the amazing view like I was. 

“Look Jo, this is where mommy came from.” Glancing down at Jorden I smiled even brighter seeing him already looking out the window. 

“I've never seen a place so beautiful. And I've been to a lot of places.” Dre mumbled, planting a soft kiss on my neck.

The plane came to a smooth stop. We sat on the plane for ten minutes until the pilot spoke that we were all clear to exit the aircraft. With Jorden to my chest I watched Dre gather our things at lighting speed, not once breaking his focus. He ushered me out of the isle to head towards the doors with him in tow.

“It’s hot as hell out here!” He yelled, scaring the other passengers in front of us.

“Yeah get ready to be complaining a lot. This sun is no joke so we’re both screwed.” I geeked, pulling Dre closer. This island sun is nothing to joke about. Stay out here long enough and you won't even recognize yourself when you undress at the end of the day. The stroll through the airport was a hot mess. It's pretty warm most days out of the year in just about every city in Puerto Rico. So with that being said, the airport is flooded with women of all ethnicities dressed according to the sun. Andre was having the time of his life staring around at the sea of women within or reach.

“Well damn..look at all the ladies out here.” He chuckled childishly.

Giving him an ugly glare I shook my head and picked up the pace toward baggage claim. Andre caught up to me laughing like I just told the world’s funniest joke.

“Aw come on mama don't look so upset,” He cooed, throwing an arm around my shoulder. “You know I love you and you're the only lady for me. None is as beautiful as you girl. Nobody!” He exclaimed bending down and planting a wet kiss on my upper lip.

I laughed at the fact that he completely missed my bottom lip and kept it moving towards the front of the airport. When we got to baggage claim it was a circus! Families, couples and single flyers were hustling around us to find their luggage. Andre flagged down our large suitcase wheeling it over to me. We walked out of the airport seeing a shit ton of cars and taxis coming and going. I flagged down a taxi truck in no time at all, feeling prideful in not having lost my old tricks. I got situated in the truck with Jo in my arms while Dre was loading up the trunk.

“Hola senorita, como estas?” The driver asked politely.

“Lo estamos haciendo muy bien, gracias. Que tan lejos esta de.. Aguadilla desde aqui?” I questioned, hearing the trunk close. From the side of my vision I saw Dre climb into the backseat next to me shutting the door and leaning back.

“Alrededor de una hora y media. Adonde se dirigen hoy?”

The driver and I went back and forth trying to figure out the fastest route to our hotel. Not that he was being complicated it's just that there are a thousand ways to get to Aguadilla from here. Once we hit the highway I sent my dad and Divya a text telling them we made it. Afterward, I had Andre call Matt to check on the girls while I continued to make friendly conversation with our driver. We got in earlier than expected, so I'm just gonna surprise everybody tomorrow. Today is a day and I want to show my boys exactly how I used to live. The drive is peaceful and insightful. Our driver is telling us about what's been going on around the island, what's changed, what the tourist percentage is and all the basic fun facts.

When we pulled up the hotel I damn near squealed at how ready I am for this day to begin.

“Damn Mil, where the hell are we?” Andre gasped, stepping out and spinning every which way.

Following behind him to get the bags I took in the scent of the air. Ocean water is exactly the smell I've been craving for so long. I paid the driver and led the way inside so we could check in. Dre pushed the cart with our stuff while I checked into our room and picked up the keys.

“This hotel is beyond beautiful.” I cheesed, moving Jo to rest on my other hip.

“Beautiful is an understatement. Thank you for this.” Dre smoothed back my hair and rested his arm on my shoulder.

“You're welcome.” I flashed a quick smile, watching the elevator doors open up. We searched for the room and came to a stop at 518.

I eagerly slid the key into the door and pushed my way in almost dropping the baby. I apologized to him although he didn't react to what I almost happened. Let the fun begin!

ANDRE

Camila, Jorden and I had the best day yesterday. All day long Mil was smiling and laughing, fully enjoying our first day here in Puerto Rico. Since she told me where she was from I've been dreaming of coming here. We stopped at every street vendor we came across, we ate at all of Camila’s favorite little spots and even hit the beach for a good three hours. After being in the sun for so many hours we all got darker but yesterday was all worth it.

Today is the day her little brothers are graduating from college and it's also the day I get to meet her family. Meeting Camila's younger brothers, grandmother, and god knows who else is intimidating but I'll be alright. Camila is in the bathroom getting ready and I'm burping Jorden. He woke up in a shitty mood because we had to get our day started early. He's still pretty upset but he'll be okay.

“You’re mommy takes forever getting ready but you know what? It's all good because when you're a woman as beautiful as her..you can take all day in the bathroom. Don't ever tell her I said that.” Pulling Jo away from my shoulder I met his big brown eyes frowning at how sleepy he looks.

“Always sleepy ain't you son?” Kissing his chubby cheek I looked to my left seeing Camila open the door. Her appearance took my breath away.

“Jorden..I might get mommy pregnant tonight or tomorrow. I haven't decided yet.” I whispered, laying him up against the pillow so he could see what's going on. I made sure he was comfortable before standing up to greet Camila since I wasn't able to earlier.

She waved her finger in the air and tried to escape past me but failed to do so. Holding her back I quietly inhaled the scent of her perfume, squeezing my arms around her.

“You are never up to any good.” She mumbled, holding my wrists in a tight grip, turning her head slightly to the side so I could kiss her cheek.

“I don't know what that means. I was just telling Jorden how beautiful his mom is. That's all.” I lied turning her around to face me.

“I heard you say you were gonna get me pregnant this weekend, don't think I didn't.” The growing smile she possessed turned me on in such a way I wish I had my mom here to watch my baby for a good hour. Not that I really need that length of time to bust a nut but having extra time to throw some glorious pipe is never something to complain about.

Smacking my lips I buried my face in her neck and pushed her hair out of my way. “I got a girl’s name in mind. Just give me the signal and I promise not to hold back.”

“Oh I don't doubt you on that even a little. Since when have you had time to think of a baby name?” She asked, putting space between us.

Standing to my full height I stretched my arms above my head and behind my back. “Since you had Ali. I was just thinking and a few ideas popped in my head.” I said, stretching out next to little man. He looked me dead in my eye, mean mugging, making me and Camila laugh. “Oh you must not like the idea of mommy sharing her super milk with anyone else. I see you man. I get it.” Leaning my head on Jorden's legs I stared at the ceiling.

Jorden was messing with my earrings, my hair, and my beard while Camila put the finishing touches on her outfit. After she was done playing dress up we packed our bags and hit the road. I drove to give Mil a break. She's been on the move lately and I’ll never be able to give her enough credit for all that she does. The closer I got to the college Jorden began to fuss and I knew he was hungry. It’s already after noon so it’s definitely time for him to eat.

“Don't look at me like that. You woke me up from my nap.” Mil yawned harshly and the second I looked in the rear view mirror I saw her cuddling Jo in her arms. She had both arms under his body with one of her hands patting his back. At the same time she had her head tilted backward with her eyes shut, I assume. One half of her top was pulled down just enough to give Jorden all the space he needs to get some lunch. This woman is really superwoman I swear. She does so much for our kids and our family unity but I know how stressed she gets even when she doesn't admit it.

It’s natural to become overwhelmed with the responsibility of motherhood but Camila never complains. Ever.

“Camila..” I spoke up, coming to a stop at an intersection.

“Hmm..I'm here.” She muttered.

“Son usted bien bebe?” I asked looking in the mirror to see her smirking at me.

“Bien trabajo. Si, estoy bien.” She flashed me a soft smile and returned to her previous position.

Another half hour of following these directions and I found myself looking at a shit ton of pedestrians and cars.

“I think we found it mama. Where in the hell do I park?” I uttered to myself.

“Let me call my cousin Dre hold up. Go park in that space right there,” Mil frantically said. I couldn't distinguish where she was referring to so I kept driving until her nails were poking the back of my neck. “Right here babe. Next to this Audi, the blue one.” She directed with sass.

Following her advice I whipped our rental into a parking space next to an R8, throwing the car in park. Looking around at the people walking around the area I observed my surroundings. Aguadilla is a very pretty city with a lot of beautiful people. The food here is bomb too. And since we'll be with Mil’s family for the next couple of days I know I'm gonna eat good!

“Prima! Hey! I'm here, can you meet me in the parking lot? Don't tell grandma or anyone I'm here yet, it's a surprise.” Mil rubbing my shoulder broke my concentration.

Turning around I unbuckled myself and reached back to undo her seatbelt. This shit is complicated. Opening the door I hopped out and slid in the back next to Mil.

“A blue R8..no, I don't know the year Evelyn..just call me when you’ve past the lot A sign..okay see you in a bit.” Camila set her phone in her bag and went back to feeding the baby.

He was clutching Mil’s necklace for dear life with his eyes fluttering open and closed every few seconds.

“Evelyn? Is that where Kenja gets her middle name from?” I asked, fixing Jorden’s shirt. I kept messing up the collar because he wouldn't stop trying to look at me.

“Yeah it was my inspiration.” She yawned.

Getting in his face I put two of my fingers in between his mouth and Mil’s nipple. The look in this boy’s eyes right now is enough to kill.

“You get that death stare from ya mama but don't use it on me.” Helping him back to his lifeline I sucked my finger clean of milk. 

“That was not nice. I wanted him to get as much as possible before we go in there.” Jorden broke free of his personal feeding tube and reached for me.

I took him away so Camila could clean herself up before her cousin gets to the car. A phone ringing had Mil reaching down quick to answer the incoming call.

“You outside..okay hold on I'm getting out of the car.” Mil tucked her phone away in her little backpack before going through her other bag with a few necessities for Jorden. I continued to burp Jo with a towel across my shoulder. The heat out here is a killer but I had to step out of the car to get his carrier.

His little groans and babbles gave away his entire mood.

“Yeah buddy I know it's hot out here. Don't worry though, daddy is gonna keep you hydrated.” I said, feeling a presence next to me.

“His carrier is in this bag.” Camila reached across me unzipping a small duffel. We worked as a team getting Jorden situated against my chest in his career. This little thing comes in handy when we know we’ll be on our feet for a long period of time.

“Carmelita you look just as beautiful from the side as you do the front!” A happy voiced female spoke.

Mil and I turned to our left to see who I assume is her cousin standing at a distance checking us out.

“Evelyn! Oh my gosh, mire usted nina!” Camila raced over to engulf her cousin in a big hug.

To see Mil smile so brightly makes me happy. Even if I'm just watching her interact with family I love to see her smile.

“Te ves hermosa como siempre. Como has estado?” Evelyn stepped back to look over Mil’s appearance seeming proud of how she looks.

“Ni siquiera se por donde empezar. Déjame presentarte a mis chicos.” Mil and Evelyn walked over closer to Jorden and I. I leant against the back of the truck taking pride in the look her cousin had. Her eyes danced back and forth from me to Jo and I couldn't tell if she was overjoyed or just simply in shock.

“Mami...this is a beautiful set of boys you got here. Felicidades!” Evelyn exclaimed making Camila blush.

“I say the same thing everyday that I wake up next to them. Ev meet Andre and our baby Jorden.” Mil stepped closer to me and touched my arm longingly. She gave me this look and I took the hint. All I need is five minutes.

“And I thought Puerto Rico had all the beautiful men but I clearly was wrong. It's nice to meet you handsome. How you liking the island so far?” Evelyn asked, making eye contact with Jorden who was staring her down, trying to catch her vibe.

Jorden has a death stare match with new people that he sees picking up on the energy they possess. For the most part Jorden is collected and relaxed around strangers but there have been times where shit didn't go so smoothly.

“The pleasure is all mine. And I love it here, I wish we could've brought our daughters because they would really love it.” I felt a strong sense of power and confidence talking about my girls.

Evelyn's jaw dropped and then came the laughter. “Oh my goodness...Kenja. Ugh! How's my baby doing? I haven't seen that little girl since she was four years old.” She gasped shifting her weight onto one hip, adjusting the sunglasses on her head.

Pulling out my wallet from my back pocket I took out a picture of the girls holding Jo. We took some family pictures to hang up around the house earlier this year just because. Handing the picture to Evelyn I slid my other arm under the carrier, touching Jorden’s shoes.

“Look at these beautiful babies. I know Amaryllis genes would flow right through you into your kids. You guys ready to go in?” Evelyn handed me back the picture putting her sunglasses on her face.

Camila went around to the backseat and took out Jorden's bag, looping the strap across her shoulder. I shut the trunk and walked beside the girls into the stadium. I hope and pray that Jorden remains his calm and cool self through this ceremony or else he and his mom will be escaping multiple times.

—-------  ---------

The ceremony was straight to the point. The heat index got a little worse but thanks to mommy packing plenty of snacks, water and an extra four milk bottles on ice, Jorden didn't fuss. His attitude changed so now he’s in a very playful mood but that's alright with me. I like when Jorden is full of energy. Seeing him act up always brings me to tears. We followed Evelyn back to Camila’s grandma’s house and boy was it a fucking party when we arrived. Camila had family greeting us out the woodworks. I don't like to stereotype but Hispanics know how to throw a good party filled with food and tons of family. Jorden got to meet some extended family although he didn't realize who anyone actually was but the party has been great so far.

Plopping down in the chair next to me Camila picked up a newspaper and fanned herself.

“It's not as easy shaking that ass anymore is it old woman?” I teased earning a playful swat to my head.

“No it's notl. Are you sure you’re having a good time? You haven't handed Jorden off to me once today?” Camila set the paper down and scooted close to me. 

Nodding curtly I spooned more tiny pieces of watermelon into Jorden’s mouth. He's been chowing down on anything cold and soft I've managed to find. 

“Oh yeah I'm straight. Watching you be happy and enjoy yourself brings me happiness. You deserve all the time to have fun while we’re down here before we go back home. I don't want you to worry about me for anything.” I said, picking out some of the seeds and feeding Jo more fruit. “That doesn't mean forget all about me but don't stress whether I'm having a good time. Because little do you know your cousins and aunts have been talking to me the whole time you’ve been gone.”

Camila grabbed her fork and snuck a piece of watermelon for herself while Jorden was turned around.

“Oh baby I couldn’t forget about you if my life was on the line. I just want to make sure you're okay too. This trip is about all three of us not just me. You get enough to eat or do you want me to get you something else?” She offered, wiping the corner of Jorden’s mouth with her thumb.

He whipped around and hit Mil with a bashful grin. The little dude is a fucking trip I tell you. He’s not talking yet but his facial expressions, yawns, groans and laughs will have you in tears.

“I'm good for right now. I'm actually waiting for one of your aunts..Ryan to throw some more food on the grill.” Rubbing my eye I sat back in my chair to pull my phone out of pocket. Seeing my mom’s name flash across the screen I accepted the call. “Hey ma.” I greeted, holding the spoon to Jo’s lips waiting for him to open his mouth. He opened wide and grabbed the spoon, guiding it into his mouth. 

Holding my fist up to tap his I pinched my cell between my cheek and shoulder. 

“Hi honey, how is the trip going?” She asked cheerily. 

“Oh it's great. We’re at Mil’s grandmother’s house right now for the graduation party. What y’all up to?” I rebutted, feeding Camila some more watermelon. 

“I'm gonna run to the bathroom, I'll be right back. Tell mom I said hi please.” Mil stood up to kiss my temple and pinch Jo’s cheek, disappearing from view.

“Not much. I am at the grocery store picking up some yogurt, bananas and other fruits for the girls. We’re making homemade popsicles tonight. That's the plan anyway.” My mom chuckled, rustling some object in the background.

“They always eating just like their brother. How is everyone and what y’all got planned for the rest of the weekend?” I quizzed, placing the spoon inside the empty cup. Reaching down into the baby bag I pulled out Jorden's little water bottle and twisted the cap off for him.

“Hm..emep.” He begged, wiggling his fingers once he saw the water.

“What else are they gonna do baby? You and your brother ate way too much at a young age so I don't want to hear any judgements. As for the weekend, well I've got to visit a client’s house in the morning just to look at the interior. Victor is taking us all to Disneyland the morning you guys fly back so we might be busy the whole day. I'm not quite sure yet.” Hearing that the rest of the family will all be together and having fun is what's important to me.

“Oh the girls will love that. I know Amelia run my brother and Jess bat crazy. Tell everyone we miss them will you?” Taking the bottle from Jorden I handed him the napkin so he could wipe his face clean.

“Oh you bet I will and tell my daughter I said I love her and you guys have a good time. I'm gonna get off here so I can get out of this store. I love you sweetie, I'll call you tomorrow.” My mom blew me a kiss through the phone making me laugh.

“I’ll do that. Love you too mama, later.” Dropping my phone in my lap I picked Jo up off the table, setting him in my lap.  

“Mmhm..” He groaned, reaching up to pull my chin hair.

“What's up man? You still hungry?” Laying him against my chest, I finger twisted some of his curls. Weight on my shoulders had me tilting my head back to see a woman behind me.

“Andre?” She pronounced my name perfectly with emphasis on the last three letters.

“Yeah? Senora Maree?” I hinted not feeling confident that she has the same name as her granddaughter.

“Ooh..senora I feel very special now. How are you handsome? It’s so wonderful to finally meet the man who swept my nieta off her feet.” Amaryllis hugged Jorden and myself, sitting in Camila’s seat after. She smells like oranges and by the looks of her hair she’s been cooking all day.

“It's an honor to meet you. Camila has not stopped talking about how excited she was to come down here and see all her family.” I spoke bouncing my leg up and down to ease Jorden’s nerves.

I can't even flex. I see exactly where Mil, Kenja and Emilina get their beauty from. This lady doesn't look a day over fifty.

“And we have been dying to see her as well. She's been gone for so long I thought I might never see her again. Would this be my great-grandson I've heard so much about from Victor?” Senora Maree was hesitant to touch Jorden and I almost felt bad.

“Yes ma'am. This is Jorden,” Kissing his hair I rubbed his back to comfort him. “Look Jo, this is your great grandma on your mom's side. She's pretty huh?” I chortled, watching him touch Amaryllis nose.  

“It is so nice to meet you papito. El es tan precioso! El va a ser muy guapo.” She pinched Jo’s cheek softly making him squirm and giggle. He loves when people squeeze his cheeks and it's honestly the cutest shit ever. “He is going to be your twin..you wait and see. How are my other two grand babies doing? Camila tells me you have a daughter that you brought in from an old relationship ship? How is she?” She asked glancing around at the party still going strong. 

“Looking more and more like her mother every day. It truly scares me that Kenja will be her mother’s twin personality wise and physically wise. And yes, I do have another daughter. Her name is Zoe and she looks like the female version of me. Maybe one day you two can meet. She’s a ball of energy just like Kenja.” Shaking my head at the mental images of my girls I silently praised god Jorden turned out to be the boy I've always wanted. I don't think I could handle the beauty of a third daughter.

“I hate to break it to you but the Maree women tend to never deviate from their genes. Hell, look at your beautiful girl. She got it her mom, mi hija, and look where they got it from. And I have my mother and grandmother to thank for this glorious figure and these amazing looks.” Amaryllis fluffed up her short brown curls, making me weak with laughter.

Her bright blue eyes were so hypnotizing I didn't realize Camila was standing next to her.

“Baby..” I smiled, coming down from my ten second laugh spree.

“Having a good time with my abuela? Ella esta loca, verdad?” She winked at me knowing her grandma would have a reaction.

“Disculpe, pero no estoy loco!” Amaryllis exclaimed playfully punching Mil in her thigh. Standing from the chair she ushered Mil to sit down and put two fingers in her mouth, whistling loud enough to draw all eyes on us.

“Familia...vamos a reunirse alrededor para una oración y algunas palabras!” Amaryllis gathered around the table we were sitting at. When I looked around I felt my heart long to have my birth mother here. I don't know why she just popped into my head. Maybe it's seeing all of Camila’s family be so welcoming to Jorden and I. I really don't know. All I know is I feel a tightness in my chest from the overwhelming sensation of love and togetherness.

“Let us bow our heads,” Senora Maree paused and got us all to follow her lead so she could speak. “I want to thank the gods for bringing us our additional family members here to Puerto Rico this weekend. I'm so very proud of my grandsons Mateo and Dario for accomplishing their goals today. They've worked so hard these last four years. Gods I want to thank you for allowing my granddaughter and part of her family here to visit with us and celebrate with us. Having Camila here in front of me has made me so happy. Losing my Lina was hard on us all and I still feel her presence in this house after all these years. I don't want to pass around any sad energy Lord but I felt this day called for a prayer. Keep your safety net over my family wherever we are and wherever we choose to go. Salud!”

---------   ---------

Kissing Jorden’s cheek I pulled his little blanket up to his chest. Backing away from his bassinet I fell back on the bed shutting my eyes immediately. 

“I’m fucking tired.” I groaned, rubbing my temples to reduce the pain in my head. After the prayer I made a couple of drinks for myself and I'm feeling every drop of liquor I swallowed. Amaryllis showed us the greatest hospitality tonight and not only that but she managed to get the baby to sleep without our help. 

Mama and I are staying in the guest house behind the main house. Camila is in the bathroom getting ready for bed I hope. The door opened, causing me to look over and see Senora Maree peeking her head in. Sitting up I waved her in and turned the tv down.

“Tired?” She smirked with a hazy look in her eyes.

“Hell yeah. I'm gonna crash any minute with or without her.” Yawning into my hands I looked over in Jorden’s direction seeing his feet move a little.

“I'm glad you had a good time today. That's always my main focus when I throw parties or have any type of get together with family and friends. Can I ask you something before she comes out?” She came to sit next to me on the bed. 

“Anything.” I nodded. 

“What's your favorite thing about my granddaughter? In your eyes.” She asked quietly.

Taking a sharp breath I stared at the fireplace thinking.

“I love everything about that girl. I love her heart, her spirit, her drive, her voice, the fact that she's bilingual, her beauty, her mind, her will to go to any length to take care of our kids. She's super woman in my eyes and no one can take that from her.” Sighing deeply I crossed my arms over my chest and continued to look at the same spot.

“She's just like her mother in a ways you've already seen and others you haven't. I know I don't know you that well but I feel that you're her perfect match. I really do. I've never seen my granddaughter laugh and smile the way she did today and I've got you to thank for that.” Just as Amaryllis was getting ready to say something else Camila walked into the room.

“Abuela? What are you doing up this late? Don't tell me you were cleaning up behind everyone without me..” Camila turned the bathroom light off and walked over to us brushing her hair into a ponytail.

“Oh Mil relax. I've been doing this since your mom was a teenager. I'm used to this. Did you have a good time today?” Amaryllis asked standing up and going over to close our window.

“I did mami. Mateo and Rio are so grown now I can't believe how much they’ve changed. Tia Ryan looks healthier these days that's for sure.” Camila yawned coming to sit next to me. She threw her legs over my lap, resting her head on my shoulder.

“Are they fraternal twins? ‘Cause they both have something different to their faces that set them apart?” I spoke up.

“Yes, now they are. They used to be identical until day Ryan noticed something was off with Mateo. We still haven't figured out what it is but oh well.” Amaryllis found a box of matches and lit one, throwing it into the fireplace. She closed the gates and took a seat on the lounge next to the bassinet.

Rubbing Camila's lower back I closed my eyes and listened in to the flames crackling. I could faintly hear my son snoring making me laugh to myself.

“Lo que es gracioso?” Mil mumbled.

“What?” I grumbled.

“What's funny?” She translated.

“Jorden is snoring. Can't you hear him?” I rebutted looking her in the eye.

She stared at me and began grinning like she won the lottery. “That's your kid alright.” She smiled.

“Well I’m gonna head back to the house to get ready for bed. Do you mind if I steal our sleeping angel?” Amaryllis questioned earning my attention.

“Aw mami you don't have to. I know you've been on your feet all day and he wakes up sometimes during the night really moody.” Yawning loudly I dragged my hand down my face.

“Grandma you really don't have to, he’ll be out for a while anyway so we’ll have plenty of quiet time.” Camila yawned too.

“You too enjoy some alone time. He’ll be fine with me. And don't worry I’ve got the bottles you prepared and there's plenty of fruit left over in case he wants something sweeter. Buenas noches.” We all passed around hugs and then it was just us two.

The moonlight and the fireplace where the only light sources to bothered to keep going. Camila was tracing over my neck tattoos while I rubbed the base of my dick.

“Thank you coming with me this weekend. It means a lot to have you and Jo here with me. My mom would be overjoyed to know you guys came to visit her homeland.” She whispered against my neck.

“It's not a problem. I knew it would mean the world to you and Jorden is happy wherever we go so it’s a win-win all around. And besides I always want to be wherever you are.” Kissing her head I sat up to begin removing her of all her clothes.

“You never run low do you?” She teased in reference to my stamina.

Shaking my head I hopped off the bed to go lock our door. I peeled off my shirt and tossed it over the chair nearby.

“I heard you guys talking while I was in the bathroom.” She laid down flat on the bed one leg crossed over the other.

I followed in pursuit until I was hovering over her body.

“And what did you hear?” I retorted.

“I heard what you said when my grandma asked what did you like about me. You've never told me any of that before. Why have you never told me?” Camila wasn't gonna let this one go. I know if I dismiss this conversation she’ll always be left to wonder why.

“You're right. It wasn't that I was trying to hide anything from you it's just that there are so many good things I can say about you. I've never had anything negative about you to speak on. And after everything that you went through before I came into the picture and after...I couldn't fathom speaking ill of you. You are everything to me because without you I would not be where I am today. I would not have those kids if it weren't for you. As a woman you’re already incredible but as my woman..there are just no words to describe you.” I confessed.

Of course me being the honest, smooth talker I am there was nothing left to be said. With Amaryllis keeping the Jo for the night I get to keep my baby up all night.  

Valentine's Day (ft the Chocobros and Nyx)

Here's part 1 y'all! I had to do some research on chocolates to figure out which I thought the boys would appreciate!

I caught a few typos, but as always, if you spot any, please let me know!

~~

You had decided at the beginning of the new year, you would finally gather up the courage to let the object of your affections know that you liked them. But you agonized over that idea as the days passed tortuously slow, you came to almost regret your decision. You weren't too sure what you were going to do to get your feelings out there until February started and it hit you like a freight train at full speed as you were getting ready for bed one night. Valentine's Day was coming up! What a perfect opportunity to confess! Except you started fretting and worrying because he was probably going to receive lots of chocolates that day... You'd have to make sure to specify that they were honmei and not giri so your meaning wouldn't get muddled...

Ignis

You knew without a doubt that your crush knew his stuff when it came to cooking or baking, so you went for a couple different sweets that would be sure to intrigue him if they were done properly. You didn't take into the consideration the learning curve for making them without messing a single one up. You didn't want to overwhelm him with sweet tastes, so for one you used dark chocolate for a nice semi bitter taste with orange zest and heavy cream. You shaped them and lightly dusted them with a bit of the leftover zest to add some color to them.

You saved the harder one to make for the last, knowing you'd need all the time you could get. You read over the instructions you had found online at least three times slowly before you started the process. You followed them as well as you could, being as thorough as possible. You made the chocolate and peanut butter nougat squares and sprinkled a pinch of sea salt on the top as a garnish. You grabbed the container you had picked out as soon as you realized you were going to give chocolates and started placing an even mixture of the two kinds into it carefully. You wrapped it and tied it with a cute bow and set it aside to take with you in the morning.

You waited to catch Ignis by himself on Valentine's Day and it was surprisingly late by the time you did. You knocked on his open office door to alert him to your presence. "Hey, Ignis, you got a sec?" You asked, proud when your voice didn't waver. He looked up and smiled, setting his papers aside, motioning for you to come in. "Hey. Uh. So I made you some chocolate for...Valentine's Day, today. Here, I uh. I like you and hope you like these!" Your words came out in a rush as you bowed and held the box out to him. As soon as he took it, you rushed out, uttering a goodnight to him, and you missed the smile that crossed his lips in your haste.

Prompto

You knew the blonde chocobro really liked his sweets and with the way you guys had been subtly flirting back and forth, you thought it would be a good thing to confess to him on Valentine’s Day. You didn’t take into consideration the amount of effort you’d have to put into the chocolates you decided to make him which you were starting to slightly regret... You had been crushing on him since you had first laid eyes on him and then subsequently heard him speak. That had been years ago now, and while you were great friends, you were worried that taking this step may cause an irreversible change in your friendship, and not for the better. You were worried that he wouldn’t like you like that and it would cause a rift between you two. But you didn’t want to lose him, you had basically been attached at the hip since you started being friends, but you also didn’t want to let someone else snatch him away from you.

You thought long and hard about what you could make that would appeal to the young man, eventually settling on homemade chocolate marshmallows and chocolate truffles with a coconut coating. You made the truffles first, knowing they’d be the easiest to make and then set about making the marshmallows, which took a handful of attempts before you made an edible batch that didn’t look horrible. After making sure they had had time to cool, you boxed them up, wrapped the box, and set it in the gift bag you had purchased that had little chocobos decorating it. With the bag in hand and your hat pulled low to cover your ears, you left your apartment to go find him to deliver the gift.

Finding Prompto wasn’t all that hard, you just had to ask Ignis where the Prince was, which was a bit intimidating when you were wanting to confess to your crush, but he didn’t seem to think anything of it when he responded with the location. On the way there, you passed by a small shop that drew your attention, so you had to stop in. There were small chocobo plushies lining a display shelf and you decided on a whim to add one to the gift, knowing that he absolutely adored the creatures. When you reached the courtyard where the two were supposed to be lounging, you were a bit surprised to see only Prompto there before you realized Ignis had known you were up to something and had apparently got Noctis to vacate the area until you were done. You held the bag out to the blonde as you bowed your head when you were in front of him. “Th-These are for you! Please accept them and consider going out with me! Take some time to consider before rejecting me please!” Your voice was a bit high pitched and then you were gone. With such a hasty exit, you were unable to see the blush that coated his cheeks and the embarrassed smile the tugged at his lips.

Noctis

You had become a close friend with the Prince, close enough that it was joked about by other officials that you were a couple. You even had a key to his apartment so you could come and go as you pleased, that way you wouldn't be restricted to his schedule to come over. You had been struggling with yourself recently, as you started becoming more and more affected by the teasing of the officials. You used to be able to play it off but that was before you realized you had a huge crush on Noctis. Now it was getting impossible to hide it.

The only true sweet you had seen him indulge himself with was white chocolate and it was only periodically. You knew he liked baked sweets but most of the chocolates were too much, so when you started coming up with ideas for which ones to gift him on Valentine's Day, you decided on cookies 'n' cream cups and peppermint patties. The first one would have white chocolate, which you knew would go over well, and the second had the peppermint to balance out the sweetness of the chocolate. You struggled making them, each took you a couple tries before you had a decent batch to choose from. You packaged them up carefully and double checked the time to make sure he wouldn't be home for this surprise.

You used your key to get into his apartment and set the bag on his living room table, complete with a handwritten confession tucked inside on top of the box of chocolates. With that done and out of the way, you started cleaning up some so Ignis wouldn't have to do all of it himself. You lost track of time and checked your phone with a gasp. To get out before he got home, you'd have to leave now and that was going to risk a run in unless you took the stairs. So you stopped what you were doing, put the cleaning items up, and bolted out, making sure the door locked behind you.

Gladio

You didn't have many chances to work with the Shield of the Prince, but what few times you were able to interact with him, you fell further and further for him. You would try to find excuses to run into him, which you wouldn't have to look far for. You were assisting Cor and he usually was found in his office, so you got to see Gladio and the other boys pretty frequently. You figured you'd confess on Valentine's Day, a bit cliche but it would get your feelings across to him. You got up super early the day of to make your chocolates for him.

The one you started on first was the cranberry pecan dark chocolate bark so it would have time to harden and you could break it into pieces to pack up. You had a bit of difficulty the first go around, completely misreading the instructions, and you were suddenly glad you got up earlier than normal. The second time around was more successful so you set it in the freezer to chill it. While that was chilling, you started on the sea salt caramel pecan turtles. They turned out a lot better on the first try, thankfully, so you popped them into the freezer for a few minutes to harden. Once you were sure both were fine to start messing with, you brought them out of the freezer and started breaking the bark into pieces. With the chocolates safely packaged and wrapped, you left your small apartment to go find the Shield to hand it all over.

You actually ran into him, literally, outside of Cor's office. His large hands grabbed your shoulders to steady you before you could fall and before you even saw who it was, an apology was tumbling out of your mouth. "I'm so sorry! I'm in a hurry and I wasn't pay-" He cut you off with a chuckle before he was apologizing, "I wasn't paying attention either. Oh, you've got something in that bag, it didn't get squashed did it?" Your eyes widened at his voice before you were almost frantically checking the chocolates, relieved to see that the box they were in wasn't damaged. "Oh, uh, this is for you. Please accept these as a token of my feelings for you and please don't feel pressured to answer immediately!" With your confession out between you two, you handed the bag over and hurried away, not sure if you felt better or worse for leaving the ball in his court.

Nyx

He was selfless, he was handsome, and he was surprisingly sweet when you got to know him. There was no way you weren't going to fall for him and you fell hard. You had only had the pleasure to work with him a couple times and you had enjoyed both, even if you guys did end up in dangerous situations. You decided you'd confess on Valentine's Day and give him some chocolates. You found two recipes you thought he'd appreciate so you bought the ingredients and a box to put them in. The bourbon balls were surprisingly easy to make and decorate, but you were glad for that.

It took two mess ups before you made a successful batch of samoa truffles that held up to your scrutiny. The first one turned out oddly shaped and the second you had forgotten an ingredient. You took the time to take the best of the two chocolates and box them up gently, making sure they were in their own cupcake wrappers. You then carefully wrapped the box and then you were off. You didn't have a shift on Valentine's Day, thankfully, but now you had to go hunt your crush down and hope you could confess without chickening out.

You found him in the training yard and it was surprisingly empty with just him in sight. You tightened your grip on the bag you had the chocolates in but smiled as you approached him. "Hey, you look a little lonely out here, hero," you said teasingly, taking a seat beside him once he acknowledged you. He grunted a greeting and then went back to fiddling with a dagger. You held the bag out to him and let him take it before starting to speak. "I want you to take these and with it, know that I've had a crush on you since that first mission together. Please don't feel you have to respond right away, take some time to consider it, and I hope you enjoy the chocolates!" You shot him a bright smile before getting up and leaving feeling a bit lighter, if not a bit more anxious than you had been.

reasons not to

i asked followers and friends to tell me why they’re alive. why they stayed. this is what happened.

the world is beautiful, like, breathtakingly, stunningly, dashingly, spectacularly, exasperatingly beautiful. every wall dirty with paint and ornate with mud and graffiti, all the moldy trees and infuriating insects, all the contorted perfect faces around the world, the decaying and the rising, whatever dichotomy that comes to life and anything that grows according to the plan is beautiful. and it breaks my heart that i will never see all the beauty in the world, but at least i gotta try.

I’m staying alive because I am not ready to be forgotten. This universe has existed for 14 billion years and will continue to exist for at least 14 billion more. In this grand scale, I get an average of 70 years, if I’m lucky. I will not be forgotten. I will do everything it takes to make a difference, to create, to grow and to cherish. I will not be forgotten.

tbh, the main reason i keep myself clean and alive is that i know my family wouldn't be able to take it if i didn't. everyone in my family either has psychological issues or strong tendencies to develop them, and the reason we all keep going, i believe, is because we know we have to be there for each other, otherwise everyone will fall. and i know it's kinda sad and maybe a little unhealthy sometimes but it's how we've worked for the longest time, and hey, we're still here, right?

I’ve stayed alive for my gay ambitions. I wanna kiss a girl! While sober! I’ve had 2 kisses while drunk but I don’t remember one and it sucks. I wanna be confident enough to kiss a girl without anything helping. Also one of those girls was straight and kissing me for attention from her gross boyfriend, I’d like to avoid that situation again lol. But yeah, gayness. Fuckin wild my dude. Gotta shoot my shot and get some lip-lock ya feel?

i reached out for help a while ago to a teacher and if it weren’t for him i might not have made it. he’s said so many things and tells me that i matter, i’m worth it, i deserve to be happy, and he wished he had a daughter like me. it makes me cry knowing that he puts effort into making sure i’m okay, and that’s what keeps me going. i want to make sure his efforts don’t go to waste.

I'm still alive for going out with friends on nights like this. Hearing the birds wake up. Seeing neon lights and stars. That even when I feel so lonely, so alone, I can at least see my friends have fun and lose myself in the music.

I want to be clean because then at least i know i can do it. I've only stayed clean for a few months and then relapsed. If i can make it to a year, then at least i know i can do another and then another and then another and maybe even not deal with it at all anymore. I just want to beat this for good.

my mom’s battled depression her whole life, and last fall i broke down sobbing and started telling her about how mine had been festering in secret for so long. and she started telling me about all the pain she never thought would bridge the mother-daughter divide and how she wanted to breathe in the shadows like smoke to keep them from burning my skin. sometimes at night we crawl into each others beds and carry the weight together when our arms have started giving out. i stay alive for her.

The thing that kept me here most was knowing that my life is not really my own. No one is purely self- contained. To end my own life would be to alter dozens. So, to counter my own feeling of worthlessness, I invested my time in things that I knew had a net positive impact on the world. The more objectively positive meaning that I gave to my life made it harder to argue that I should kill myself. What would my parents do? What would my also suicidal younger brother do? We're probably a package deal in this regard. Same with some students I lead a mental health group with. I had set an example to them, and I can't fail that hard without risking their well being.

Simply, my boyfriend. It started with him physically hiding anything I could use to hurt myself. Over time, with his support, I learned some self worth and improved so much. Now those things don't have to be hidden. Even now that he's gone for a year and a half and our contact is limited to a 20 minutes phone call a day and letters, I find I'm still stable enough to stay alive and clean. He taught me how to be safe even without him and that's worth everything.

I stuck around because for some reason, something was telling me to check things out until I'm 30. When I was a kid, I imagined myself getting older all the time. When I wanted to die, I couldn't see anything past the age I was in, 19. I was both so scared and so sad for my innocence, but apparently, it never left me. Because, even though I couldn't /see/ myself beyond 19, my body made me feel like I could. Did that make sense? I'm 24 now. So far I'm glad I stuck around.

Don't want to sound conceited, but there was a kid at church who just loved me. She was like my tail. Although, I think I learned from her more than she learned from me. We both spent the whole day in church because of various activities I was involved in and because her parents were in the choir for all the services. We were always together when there was nothing for me to do-- she talked a lot. I loved hearing what she had to say. That's why I didn't. I looked forward to her growth every week

I'm alive because of the Oscar's. A few years ago a theater was showing all the nominated movies, and my mom and I went to see Manchester by the Sea. It's a sad movie, about an accident that killed some kids, but it affected my mom a lot more than me. I remember walking back to the car and her talking about how she probably wouldn't be able to go on if one of her kids died. I still can't imagine a future, but so far I'm here and tthinking about that conversation in that parking structure.

i stayed alive because i couldn’t choose which sunrise would be my last.

My family, friends, and God keep me here. If it weren't for them, I might have committed suicide or at least harmed myself because I was so overwhelmed with the world and hated myself for how far I went into sin. I might be in prison because I was heading down a path that could have lead to illegal things. God has always pulled me back in and my family has always been there to talk to. A couple of friends have helped a lot too. I also hate inflicting pain on myself and others, so that has kept me here as well .I am still coming out of certain sins and I am still recovering, but I have hope now in Christ and hope for a better future. I still get overwhelmed and perplexed by this world, but I have support and I know that God is working in my life which will allow me to help others hopefully.

i’m alive because of the little things. seeing your plants flower, the dew in the morning, low hanging clouds in the mountains, the smell of warm dirt after it rains, the tingling feeling of your fingers warming up after going numb.

A fear of hurting my mum, sisters and best friend is the biggest factor in me staying. There have been so many times that I've thought - known - they'd be better off without me, but I know they won't see it like that, and will just be hurt. Personal vanity and the hope I can accomplish the projects I've dreamed of finishing also keeps me going.

On most days, staying clean is the hope that I can be used by the Lord in the lives of people who have been through the same thing—that one day I can look at someone and say, “I made it through… you can too.” On the nights I almost relapse, I think of the girls I’m discipling and the witness I have for Christ and wrestle with the effects of one hasty decision—and five years down the drain. The staying alive thing is a little more complicated sometimes. For the most part, it’s because I’ve personally seen the impact of suicide—both in my family and friendships. However, sometimes that’s not good enough. And, as pathetic as it seems, there are times when my cat is the only reason I’m still here. Phteven has super high anxiety, is afraid of most everyone (myself excluded), and is, generally, pretty high maintenance because of all his fears. No one in their right mind would take care of him if I were gone. So, on the darkest nights of my life, I’ve honestly stayed because I think my cat would end up at a shelter, and he would 100% have a heart attack because of the anxiety (which written out sounds really silly, but there ya go.) In general, however, it’s the knowledge of the impact it would have—regardless of how well I perceived to be loved or cared for.

For me the hope of tomorrow, there is always a new day. Ive always been an optimist and even in my darkest moments, hope keeps me grounded. Romans 8:18, Psalm 51:10 & Hebrews 6:19 have been verses that have helped me through to the point i have an anchor tattoo with Steadfast across it.

While some of these may sound dumb, they’ve kept me going all these years: all the books I’ll be able to read some day. all the movies/tv shows/music I’ll get to watch/listen to. All the laughs with my crazy friends. All the laughs with my crazy family. The possibility of road trips and vacations. The possibility of writing a book of my own. Falling in love. Being best friends with my sister. Loving my niece to pieces. Smelling the air after it’s just rained, and/or after the grass has been cut. Seeing the first snowfall every year. Seeing the corn and beans sprouting every spring. Sitting on a porch when I’m old. Having grandchildren to tell all your crazy stories to. And laughing. So much laughing. 😌

my reason to stay alive is my friends. they needed me to keep going, to keep pushing through every dark night. I know just how devastating it would be if one of my plans actually did work. since my dad passed away, every day was getting harder and harder to get through, until eventually i just didn't want to even live for the new morning. it's only been a few months now since the suicidal thoughts and the urge to self harm has left, but I think what got me through the worst of it was the unrelenting support of my friends. they were there for me through every breakdown, every panic attack and every dark thought. I genuinely don't think I'd be here today without their support- their kindness is what kept me going. I've worked hard for three years now on my mental health, I've been going to counselling and seeking support from other people. I've taken self care with open arms and its made such a difference. reaching out for help was so hard but it was so so worth it. I've reached my 18th birthday, a milestone I never thought i could ever achieve- yet here I am proving every horrible thought my brain spews up wrong. I'm so thankful I never gave up, because each day now - while sometimes still a struggle, shows me how the world has a little light bearing through even when things seem to be going shit. my lovely friends, my art and music is what wakes me up every morning and motivates me to sleep at night. life does get better.

In the past it was always my sister and brother. I always kept going and stayed here just so one day I could find them and we could be together. Be a family. I loved them since the moment I met them. Though my sister was only three and didn't speak English at the time only French. Of course I only knew English. My brother was to be born very soon. I was instantly in love. To know that I had them. They were my world. They held me together. Even though for the next 13 years we would not see each other for unfair reasons. Now 22 years later what keeps me here has changed only slightly. My sister and my father are what keep me here. For a very different reason now though. Four years ago my little brother, the one I was just speaking of, was murdered. Along with his girlfriend and her sister. I keep going because right now I can't let my dad suffer the loss of two children. I can't let the sweetest sister in the world lose two siblings. I can't let them down. I have to stay strong. I have to keep going. It's exhausting most days, and it gets harder as time goes on. So I fight back more to keep going because I love them and I know they love me.

I guess for me -- the reason I stayed is because I almost didn't stay, and it was the total grace of God that I'm here. At the time I thought I would have stayed for my family, or my friends, or my future -- but I totally could not see any of that other than the continuous hurt I thought I was inflicting on them. I had a really bad fall semester at my university that led me to eventually take a much needed and helpful medical leave my spring semester;; but the first time that I really almost did it I was breaking down on the top floor of a parking garage at my university, begging that God would actually see me and wanting prayer but not knowing where to go and not wanting to "burden" anyone I knew. As this was happening, this guy walks to the top of the garage and sees me - comes over to where I was sitting, asks if I'm okay and gives me a hug, and asks if he could pray for me (and my university is not even religious at *all*). He literally slept in a booth across from me and stayed with me all night as I finished my homework, and he walked with me to class the next day. In the midst of everything that I was a bit of hope. Towards the very end of the semester, I had seriously made the decision I was going to do it and went about with all what I thought were my parting arrangements -- the next morning when I was going to leave he sends me a text and shows up at my dorm, telling me he was praying for me and wanted to stay with me that day until I left to go back home to Pittsburgh where I'd be for my medical leave. Both of those times I actually didn't see a reason to stay -- but God did. And it took some time for that to really sink in... that God wants me to stay. That he wouldn't let me go. And that has been a massive reason why I stay now. In addition to that, through this healing season I have relearned the beauty of family and friendship, and how much love there actually is surrounding me -- and now, I look around and I appreciate it that much more because it was almsot never there. Knowing that God never gave up and there *actually was* soooooo much love and life on the other side of this that I was convinced I would never see gives me so much hope to keep holding on and to not listen to the lies that there is no good for me or my future. I don't want to live my life out of guilt or fear of what will happen to me or my friends/family after I'm gone -- but I guess that is a part of it, seeing many friends die from preventable causes and the damage it does puts things into perspective. But I'd say my main reason for staying is knowing that life really is worth it and precious when I can't see it, because I know what it's like to make it out the other side and understand how tightly God holds onto us when we don't want to even hold on anymore.

I stayed alive because I didn't know there was another option. I was young. I stayed alive because I didn't want my sister to have to live as someone with that kind of hole in her life. I stayed alive because there was always some upcoming performance and my company is too small for understudies or alternates. I stayed alive because there was always someone not quite as steady who relied on me to do so. Only now, finally, I can stay alive because I want to.

Reasons I stay alive: the love of the people close to me, and the knowledge that with age we get better. Anxieties lessen and dissipate, confidence grows, skills develop and things generally become clearer.

Ive been thinking about this post quite a lot, Haha. Mostly, it’s because I don’t want to give up. I want to prove to myself and my loved ones that I’m so much stronger than I think I am and I’d like to show the bullies of my past that I’m stronger than they think. Also, my family and friends and boyfriend keep me here. There’s so much see in the future, and I sometimes just... hold on to that. I lost touch with one of my best friends for years and I’m just too glad to have her back in my life since last year and I know (haha this sounds selfish I guess, but she told me haha) that she’s so glad about it as well. There’s so many things I want to achieve and things to see. I mean - about three weeks ago, said best friend and I met our childhood hero and I just kept thinking “man, I’m so glad I stayed”.

it’s on my blog too x and twitter

That Time I Was a Lawyer and There Was All This Systemic Sexism I Never Let My Brain Deal With

Last night I had a dream that went like this: I went to an improv show. I didn't really want to be there but I went anyway. The man sitting in the row behind me kept running his fingers through my hair. I didn't want him to do that, so I leaned forward to try to dissuade him. He also leaned forward so he could still reach my hair. Finally I turned around and demanded that he stop touching me, and immediately everyone in the audience frowned at me for disrupting the show, and the man was like, "Wow, way to super-overreact, you could have just told me you didn't want me to do that, you didn't have to make a scene." I then was enlisted to take part in the improv, even though I didn't want to. For no real reason that I could discern, I was given the task of pretending to repair a door. I went about my task, and was immediately criticized for the poor job I was doing of pretending to repair a door, with people coming up to show me how I could pretend in a more realistic and entertaining fashion. Then the improv group decided they didn't feel like performing the rest of the show and basically headed off the stage, leaving me alone, when I never even wanted to do the improv in the first place. Soooo I think I'm working through some stuff. 

Basically yesterday I came back from vacation and caught up on the news and in the legal news especially the talk was Courtney Milan's piece on Alex Kozinski, which I read. And as I read it I had two thoughts. The first thought was: Yes. That's what being a lawyer is like. And the second thought was: Wait a second, and that's wrong. If you have been with me since Doctor Who days, then what you know about me is that I used to be a lawyer in a big law firm. Like Courtney Milan, I had the sort of law school background and ran in the sort of legal circles where expectations and demands were both high. I was a miserable lawyer, so intensely depressed I could barely get myself out of bed and cried many times a day and, I can say it now, just wanted to die. It seemed to me it would be so much easier if I could just die. I didn't consider myself suicidal, because I didn't want to actually kill myself, but I was okay if death happened to me, so to speak. It would save me the effort of having to live the rest of my life. I got myself out of that situation. If you've only known me since Sherlock days, then you know a very different me. In all honesty, you know what I consider to be the more real me, because Law Firm Me still feels like a different person. And I knew the law firm was a terrible place to work, but Courtney Milan's piece made me realize that, all along, I have been blaming myself for that: The law firm was terrible for me because I didn't have the right personality test for it. I wasn't strong enough to make it through. I allowed them to destroy my spirit and steal my will to live and shatter my entire sense of self. There was something wrong with me that made me not a good enough lawyer. I was a person who should be a teacher instead. All of these statements in my head about that whole situation were all about me. I made a miscalculation and chose the wrong career and messed everything up and I had to fix it. And Courtney Milan's piece suddenly, as I sat there reading it, made me realize: Oh, my God, that was not my fault. None of that was my fault. While I was at the law firm, I kept notes on the things happening to me. I'm a writer. I write to process things. Even though my time at the law firm was the only time in my life I have ever not been able to write because of how severely depressed I was, I still jotted things down, some part of me struggling to stay alive recognizing I'd need to write my way through it later. And I did. I wrote a 50,000-word memoir about my time at the law firm. Every single thing in it is true. The only thing I did was change names. And then I read through it and realized that it probably implicated attorney-client privilege and so I just stuck it in my documents. I took it out again and skimmed through bits of it and...oh my god. It is filled with so much sexual harassment that my brain just dismissed and compartmentalized as somehow being about me, like, about my reaction to it not being the right reaction that would have solved the issue, rather than it being their problem for treating me that way. And I'm realizing now that I sat on it for so many years, worrying about attorney-client privilege, the same way Courtney Milan sat on her Kozinski story because of judicial confidentiality, and the same way other women sign NDAs, and I'm like, this entire system of secrecy that we as law students were taught was vital to promote honest advice and deliberations has been entirely constructed to keep women and minorities silent as to systematic white male abuse. And part of the problem is the line-drawing. I think of Matt Damon's statement about a pat on the butt not being as bad as a rape. What happens when you put that in a hierarchy like that is you normalize pats on the butt. You're like, "Hey, he just pat your butt, he didn't rape you, have some perspective." And then that silences you. That makes you swallow back your protests. In fact, it makes you stop seeing that as something to protest. There are worse things, after all. So much worse things. My law firm had procedures in place for sexual harassment, and that was about, like, walking into an office and being told you'd make partner in exchange for sexual favors. And prioritizing that had the effect of normalizing everything else happening to us as being acceptable. In fact, it allowed the men I was working with to say, "Hey, I've never raped anybody, I'm a good guy." So that, if you protested their hands in your hair, as in my dream, they could turn it back on you as the unreasonable one: You were never raped over a desk, after all. No. I wasn't. But I did have a (married and much older) male partner ask me, during a discussion of the facts of a case, if a particular thing turned me on. The details of this discussion--what we were discussing, etc.--are shrouded by attorney-client privilege. It wasn't an overt hand down my blouse or something. But it was definitely an inappropriate remark that I had been deprived of a vocabulary to deal with. I had a male partner command me to give up concert tickets I had so I could work late for a male associate going to the same concert. When I protested why I had to stay while the male associate got to go to the concert, I was told that he'd been "working hard." We had obviously both been working hard. But he was the man and I was the woman, and society is such that women are expected to just keep working hard, without protest. In fact, men are trained to dismiss our protests as hysterical overreaction. Given a choice of two associates in a room, it's the female associate who will be asked to keep minutes, and when the female associate points that out, the male partner gets huffy, because, hey, no one in this room has been sexually assaulted, it's a simple request about taking notes, someone has to do it. I remember once my favorite partner to work with gave me a bad annual review. We worked together constantly. He always requested me for his cases. He had never once displayed any qualms about my work product. So I asked him about it. And he said, "They'd dismiss my opinion of you if they thought I liked you too much. They'd think I was playing favorites." I think back on that now and I'm just astonished, because I can remember so clearly how many male partners "played favorites" with male associates. We didn't worry that they liked each other too much. We called the male associates their proteges. There were concerted partnership campaigns. We knew who went to bat for who. There was no frowning upon this...unless a female associate was involved, and then it became questionable. Every single thing about the law firm's patriarchal structure was designed to deprive me of power and agency while pretending it had not, because they had allowed me in the door, and they have given me a job, and didn't that make things better? Fifty years ago they wouldn't even have given me a law degree at my law school. Look how far I had come. If I couldn't make it, it was merely a confirmation that they'd been right about women, we were too weak and flighty, lacking in ambition, unfocused, too into romance novels and the stories in our heads. I had one partner tell me flat out I had too many friends and that was my problem as a lawyer. And I believed him. I have too many friends, I thought. I'm not a good lawyer, I thought. I'll be better at other things, I thought. You know what? I was an incredible lawyer. I was great at that job. Courtney Milan suddenly made me realize: NOTHING THAT HAPPENED WAS MY FAULT. I WAS GOOD ENOUGH. I WAS ALWAYS GOOD ENOUGH. And I hadn't thought that in...ever. I sat yesterday and read that piece and cried. Because all along I'd thought, I wasn't "leaning in" hard enough. That whole idea is the most toxic and irresponsible thing. It is letting people off the hook all over the place for failing to treat others like human beings. And I am a white, cisgender woman, so in fact I do have it the easiest I can. I cannot even imagine how it feels for the women of color, or the LGBTQ community. I am a happier professor than I was a lawyer. I do think it's probably true that this is generally a better career for me. But I also will never really know, because my law experience was so tainted with systematic abuse that I am still suffering the trauma of it now. Even now, years later, I can find myself unexpectedly weeping and dreaming about being forced to do pointless things I don't want to do and then being blamed for those things. And it isn't that being a professor means there's no more sexism in my life. It's just that the power structure is such that I feel slightly less voiceless in the face of it. There have been a couple of times when I have been in a position where I thought to myself, "This is not good, I feel the way I did at the law firm," because this anxious panic would start rising up in me. Until yesterday, I had never really noticed that those moments are actually pegged to moments when systemic sexism rears its head again and tries to pin me under it. But it's true. Those moments have all revolved around men asking me to do things that I did not want to do. "No," I say to these men, because these men are not my boss and what they want me to do is not my job and they can't fire me. "No, I do not want to do that." But men hear a woman's "no" as "talk to me about this more until you get me to say yes." They bear down on you. They call you incessantly, send you emails, stop by your office. The only way I have found to get a man to accept my saying no is to ignore that man: refuse to take calls, delete emails, lock my office door. And these are men who otherwise would tell you that they are nice, enlightened, feminist men. They just cannot shake their socialized belief that a woman should not be allowed to say no to a man's desires. That a woman saying no must be saying so against her own self-interest, and she should be told in what ways her decision is wrong. And if she stays steadfast in her decision, well, that's just a woman for you: completely irrational. I would not have said I wasn't a person who didn't understand the ways in which society's systems are used to perpetuate racial and gender injustice. I think, though, that this is the first time I have allowed myself to internalize it as to me personally, and to realize how much my thinking "sexual harassment is a terrible thing happening to people out there" was normalizing and minimizing and dismissing the sexual harassment that had happened to me, in so thorough and overwhelming a way that my brain literally could not label it as such because it was too big. I think many women might be going through this moment now, and it's this moment of not just recognizing our ways of being complicit in much of this but of also recognizing how many of the things we've been blaming ourselves for have never been our faults. We've just been allowed to shoulder all this guilt and own all these mistakes that were never ours in the first place. Do not belittle your traumas because you know of bigger ones happening to others. It is of course important to acknowledge those bigger traumas. It is important not to be too enclosed in your own bubble. It is important to listen to the stories of others and to amplify their voices. But it is also important not to render yourself unimportant in the list of cultural casualties. Because to do so is to allow them to continue to render you unimportant and meaningless, not worth the time to cherish and listen to and respect. You're important enough in this world that you matter. Let yourself matter. I'm not sure I realized until yesterday how incredibly difficult that can be sometimes. Once, as a professor, in the halls of the law school where I work, I ran into a visiting federal judge who I did not know. This was our first meeting. "Hi," I said to him, shaking his hand. "I teach copyright and trademark stuff here."  "Then we have nothing in common," he informed me, and returned to his office. I was done, dismissed, not worth his energy. He was wrong.

Inspired by today’s eclipse and for @sterekwritingroom‘s flash event.

–––––––

The first group of weres pass through Beacon Hills on a Thursday. Stiles probably wouldn’t notice except that he’s spent the past year and a half hanging out almost exclusively with supernatural beings and that… well, ok, these guys aren’t exactly subtle. They tilt their heads almost in sync as he passes by them –– heading in to pay cash at the gas station while they pile back into their packed SUV. Noses flare, stances shift, and Stiles has about point five seconds to plan a bolt back to the Jeep before one of them’s announcing “Don’t trouble your Alpha; we’re just passing north for the event.” And then they’re back in the SUV and gone.

So… yeah, not to diminish Stiles’ awesome deductive skills here but… not subtle.

The second sighting happens before school on Friday, when Stiles ducks into the Dunkin’ Donuts for some much needed coffee and practically trips over a trio of sugar-high toddlers. One of them, wearing what looks like a home-painted t-shirt, decorated with a slightly uneven yellow circle, is midway through whining “Momma, we’re gonna miss the––“ when she stops in her tracks to stare up at him.

Stiles blinks down at her, the door perched against his elbow.

“Say ‘scuse me,” the boy next to her murmurs. It’s too early for this, brain crawling the sludge-slow of non-coffee through his system, and Stiles isn’t sure which of them he’s talking to.

“Excuse me,” he says and all three immediately shuffle, staring wide enough it makes Stiles’ eyes ache for them. He starts past, scrubbing a hand across his jaw self-consciously, wondering if he’d missed sleep drool or a sock in his hair or something on his mad rush out the door but, two steps past, the youngest kid snuffles and speaks up, soft: “Are you gonna come see the moon with us?”

It takes another step for Stiles to register that she’s talking to him, but by the time he blinks back the boy’s already tutting at her.

“No Lucy. He’ll go with his own pack.”

The little girl’s mouth opens in a wide, understanding O, while her older sister tugs proudly on her yellow circle shirt. It’s painted a messy black in the middle, inside the bright golden edge, and Stiles kind of forgets coffee for a minute in the face of actual werewolf children and then there’s a woman stepping up behind them, coffee and a box of munchkins in hand, dropping a fond hand to ruffle the boy’s hair as she gives Stiles an apologetic smile.

“Sorry about that, they’ve never been through another pack’s territory before. We’ve been driving since Arizona –– long trip for the little ones. But I couldn’t miss the chance for them to experience this. Best sighting until totality in 2017!”

“I’ll be ten,” says the boy, in the tone of one who’s done the math very carefully a dozen times over.

Stiles nods, a little lost because werewolf toddlers, and manages “well that’s… good.”

“I’m two,” the youngest puts in proudly, vaguely missing the thread of the conversation but eager to take part, and Stiles smiles back, wishing he had a little more coffee in his system because it’s not like he’s oblivious about what’s going on in the world this weekend, but he’s starting to feel a little dense for not connecting all kinds of dots sooner.

Then again, there’s another person who probably could’ve connected them for him.

“They don’t know how lucky they are,” the woman adds, beaming down. “I had to wait years for my first one and I’ll never forget the experience. Of course, you won’t feel it the same way as us,” her tone going apologetic, “but I’m sure your pack can’t wait to take part.”

And then she’s ushering the kids out the door with promises of donuts in the car, and Stiles is tugging out his phone, pulling up Derek Hale’s number.

READ MORE

.-

“Why didn’t you mention that the eclipse is a thing for you guys?”

Derek gives him a look from where he stands against the loft’s windows, like he’d been expecting the question and isn’t entirely sure why he hadn’t backflipped twelve floors to the street to avoid it.

Whatever, serves him right for not answering the string of texts Stiles had sent throughout the day. And, speaking of:

“Your phone broken, dude? I know you’re not big with the words in general, but you know how texting works.” He knows from months of slowly breaking Derek into it, from grudging messages about research last summer to the scattered casual texts during his trip through South America with Cora, into the more regular conversations during his second vacation before he’d come back to Beacon Hills permanently a month back. Stiles still has a hard time accepting the fact that Derek’s back with them sometimes –– after two months lost to Kate’s capture, the short intense chaos of the Benefactor, and Derek’s three month trip to clear his head after his “evolution” Stiles had started wondering if he’d ever see the guy settled back here again.

It had kind of thrown him, how much he’d thought about it. How natural it feels to show up at the loft now, dropping his backpack next to the couch, keys on the table, filling up the space like he belongs there.

Or like he wants to make sure he’s got a foothold in it, in case it ever decides to go drifting again.

But point is, he knows Derek knows how to text. Which makes the pointed silence answering Stiles’ dozen texts for the past eight hours particularly unsettling.

“It’s the whole country’s thing,” Derek says finally, unhelpfully. “Haven’t you been watching the news?”

Which, yes, Stiles has. The world’s been pretty caught up in solar eclipse frenzy for the past couple weeks, broadcasting best viewing spots, promoting safe viewing tips, advertising eclipse viewing glasses at your local retailer for thirty bucks a pop. May 20th, 2012 will be the first solar eclipse viewable in the US since 1994 and the country’s acting like it’s the kick-off to a new millennium or something.

Which is so far beside the point.

“Yeah, but weres are the only ones who can feel it.” Stiles is aiming an unimpressed look at Derek, which is why he’s able to catch the flinch when it happens. It’s small, just a quick bite of jaw and taut shoulders before smoothing out again. It makes Stiles pause, rethink things for a beat because maybe the whole ‘feel the eclipse’ thing isn’t actually a positive experience… but Stiles kind of doubts a mom would drag her kids up from Arizona to Northern California to experience something anywhere less than awesome. Besides, Stiles has been thinking about this all day, and he’s got a feeling that––

“It… makes you stronger, right? I mean, a lunar eclipse makes you guys weak so a solar eclipse is like a power boost?”

Maybe that’s why Derek’s trying to avoid thinking about it. With the kind of luck he has and the amount of shit he’s gone through, he might not love the idea of hanging around a bunch of super-powered weres, even if he’d get a boost from the moon too. Guy’s lived the kind of life that has you looking for threats while other people paint eclipse t-shirts with their toddlers, and that thought’s kind of enough to punch an empathetic ache directly through Stiles’ chest.

But Derek’s sighing, rolling out his shoulders and aiming a tired look at the horizon.

“Not… exactly.” And then silence again. Stiles bites his tongue over the urge to question, shoving his hands in his pockets and pacing closer instead. A year ago he’d be demanding answers, spouting his own theories impatiently while he waited. Now he knows Derek well enough to see the effort it’s taking to dredge his own words up. “It’s… we don’t get stronger, really, but… our bond with our wolf does. The lunar eclipse is less about physical weakness and more about that bond weakening. We can’t call on our wolf to give us strength, to help us heal, that bond’s weakened and that part of us is… lost for the duration. The solar eclipse is the opposite. It’s supposed to leave us pure and connected, make us… whole in a way we only ever skim close to.” He shrugs, like he’s at a loss for how else to describe it. He hasn’t looked toward Stiles yet; his tone and profile are carefully unreadable. “Werewolves spend years planning for solar eclipses.”

There’s something missing from the story, some obvious puzzle piece Derek’s hiding in his lightly curled fist because “Dude,” the word falls out awed and follows up with a smack to Derek’s elbow. “Exactly no part of that sounds not awesome. Why didn’t we know about this, we’re like an hour and a half south of the main path.”

He ignores the too-slow look Derek aims down to the point of contact, his phone out and road trip Sunday sent off to Scott before he turns his focus back to the man in front of him.

“Seriously though, I know you and Deaton like giving each other a run for your money on the vague with the vital info department but a heads up could’ve been cool. I had to learn about all this from a trio of hyped up toddlers.”

“Toddlers?” Finally Derek reacts, just a little, a pique of interest pushing past the outdated gruffness.

“Werewolf toddlers,” Stiles agrees, lips twitching faintly. “Super cute. I think they wanted to induct me into their pack.”

“They’d throw you back once they got to know you.”

“Hey!” A rush of mock outrage and flailing limbs. “I’ll have you know I’m awesome with kids.”

“They finally found someone on their level?” Derek shoots back, and some of that indecipherable tension has eased out of his shoulders. Stiles smirks at him for a beat while Derek’s eyes glint, teasing, back. Then they drop and, through the room’s easy silence:

“We were all going to see this one together.” The puzzle piece slots a heartbeat before Derek says it. “My family… even a decade back we were talking about it. Peter flew to South Africa to experience a total eclipse in 2002 and acted like it changed his life. We were all…” He smiles, faint and self-deprecating. “so jealous. So my parents sat us down to plan out a trip for the next local one. Ten years away.” His shoulders roll, the shrug deceptively easy. “It felt so long then.”

Stiles hasn’t moved, hasn’t breathed, since the word family hit air. He recognizes the pain in Derek’s voice, the too light shrugs to mask the weight of old losses. Disrupted plans, shattered dreams. The minefield of everyday life, where mundane tasks turn into minefields and celebrations dig up long-buried tragedies. How it almost feels safer to hide your head in the sand until they sweep past you.

The air feels thick when Stiles finally drags in breath, lips parched as he clumsily wets over them.

“We’re heading out at twelve on Sunday,” he says, and waits until Derek’s eyes flit over to him to add. “I’ll pick you up then.”

.-

Stiles almost expects the loft to be empty when he pulls up on Sunday. It’ll make for a long ride that way –– Scott having decided to drive with Kira who decided to drive with Lydia. They’d asked him to come along in her car but Stiles had vetoed on the grounds of not letting his Jeep miss this rare celestial event. And when Derek elbows off the wall of the building, hands shoved deep into the pockets of the old leather jacket wrapped around his shoulders like a security blanket, Stiles knows he’d made the right call.

Derek slides in next to him, aiming a look that’s too knowing and too grateful toward the empty back seat. Stiles bites down on a smile, a flush of warmth spreading up from his chest toward the back of his neck as he steers them out of the lot.

“So, ready to howl at the moon and feel whole, sourwolf?”

There’s a huffed breath –– amusement, anticipation, nerves.

“Guess we’ll see.”

The eclipse is waiting.

They head north.

1050

survey by chihuahua

1~ What quality do you value most highly in others? Loyalty. Those who can stick with me through the highs, lows, and all the boring stuff. I appreciate low-maintenance friendships.

2~ Are you more aggressive or mellow? Um idk, it depends on the situation I guess. I have a non-confrontational side, but at the same time I’m also quite vocal over issues I’m passionate about. Just last weekend I made the lunch table at a family reunion awkward because Jake Zyrus suddenly became the topic of conversation; I could feel the wave of transphobic comments about to come from the oldies, so I made sure I was one step ahead of the Gen X-ers and Boomers and saying that transphobia isn’t going to fly by at the table, so they shouldn’t even try. That’s the most recent instance I remember having to get aggressive.

3~ Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? My parents. Dad has mostly worked abroad and I never got to see him for longer than a month all my life until Covid hit and he was forced to stay here. Mom has worked thousands of overtime shifts and was always on changing shifts throughout my childhood.

4~ Do you take any vitamins or medication? No. We have a constant supply of Vitamin C tablets for the family, but I stopped taking it regularly since like May because pure laziness. I don’t take any medication.

5~ Do you want to grow old with someone? I wish this was my reality, yes.

6~ Do you treat others better or worse than yourself and why? Better. I’m still working on liking/loving myself.

7~ What sound is annoying you right now? Nothing comes to mind right now, but an hour ago we were having our virtual company Christmas party and since there were nearly 60 people in the Google Meet and I also still had some deliverables I needed to finish, my laptop couldn’t take it and started whirring its fan. That was a little annoying.

8~ Where was your last vacation to? Hasn’t changed. It was still Tagaytay and Cavite. As much as I’d like to take a vacation somewhere, I think all places require you to take a swab test and that’s a big pass for me. Nothing’s going in my nostrils and down my throat or however far down it goes.

9~ Where was your last car ride to? Aside from back home, I was headed to Feliz. After that I also stopped by the local Starbucks to try and redeem a planner for my mom, but they don’t have the variation that she wants :(

10~ Where did you last walk to? To the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee.

11~ What gives you a peaceful feeling? Evening drives. I don’t care how bad the traffic is; there’s just something about driving at night that makes me feel very much at peace. It was better when I had the person I love with me; but driving alone isn’t bad too.

12~ Are you a light sleeper? No. I’m very likely to sleep through earthquakes.

13~ When you sleep next to someone who usually falls asleep first? They do. I’m always the last one to fall asleep, no matter who it is I’m next to.

14~ How many people have a piece of your heart? Kinda corny question, but one, I guess. It’s ridiculous that they still do, but I can’t help it.

15~ What do your salt and pepper shakers look like? Nothing too fancy in this home lol. We have a plain tub containing our salt. I don’t actually know what our pepper container/shaker looks like; we may just have the McCormick variant of pepper.

16~ When was the last time you hurt yourself? On purpose or accidentally? Hahahaha uhm I cut my finger trying to open a bottle of soju last week, and it bled pretty bad.

17~ Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country? Right now, I’d love a city environment. I’ve lived far too long in quiet suburban neighborhoods and a change in scenery would be nice. I hope I don’t end up feeling too lonely in the city, though.

18~ Have you ever built something? Other than Lego towers I made as a kid, I was never the building type. I’d rather have all my items in complete form when I get them.

19~ Are you more of a maker and giver, or a taker and user? I’m more a giver than any of these other labels. I feel happy from making people happy and comfortable.

20~ Do you take naps? I love naps but I avoid them now. I have very little free time these days as I’m always swamped with work even during holidays and weekends, so when I do have little bits of spare time I want to spend them awake and doing something productive and catching up on my hobbies. I think this’ll be my new normal now :(

21~ Do you buy holiday gifts early or at the last minute? Early for the people I love most. For everyone else I do it kinda late-ish, heh.

22~ Do you laugh when there is no joke and dance when there is no music? I do the laughing thing occasionally, but I only dance if there’s music.

23~ If someone else were to describe you what would you hope they would say? That they recognize the things I do for other people. I know it’s best to do things because you want to and not to be recognized and I stand by that myself, but I just want the reassurance that I’m seen. At least just once. 

24~ What is the dirtiest habit you can think of? Biting one’s toenails, trying your own earwax, or not changing your underwear for several days.

25~ Do you ever need 'quiet time'? For sure; I think all of us do.

26~ Do you think it is harder for a parent to outlive their child or for th Survey-maker didn’t get to finish this question, but the first scenario sounds painful enough. I can’t even begin to imagine the hurt a parent would feel if they had to go to the wake of their own kid.

27~ What was your best find from a flea market, garage sale, ebay or thrift? A copy of WWE Encyclopedia that was like 1/3 or 1/4 its original price. I remember not having a lot of savings left from that week but I still went ahead and bought the book because it was such a crazy good deal.

28~ What is one selfish thing you tend to do? I am not at all the poster child of selfishness... I’ve never felt comfortable doing things for myself. Everything’s always been for other people, and I rarely leave room for me, if at all. The most selfish thing I do is that I hate sharing my food, but even then I still share my favorites with the people I love.

29~ What kinds of people do you find intimidating? I try not to get intimidated by anyone because we all just go through the same shit at the end of the day, so idk. People in higher positions can sometimes be scary, but I’m not as intimidated by them as I used to be.

30~ Out of everyone you know who has the most unique personality? Maybe Andrew/Andi? They can fit in any crowd and can make a conversation last with absolutely anyone, which I find unique as not everyone’s able to do so.

31~ When do you do your best thinking? I always have to be able to think on my feet for work. Public relations is a pretty hectic landscape and communications is super crucial in it.

32~ What was a choice that you didn't want to make but you had to? The breakup. All that wasted time and effort make me nauseous.

33~ Have you ever written a letter to a soldier? No.

34~ What does your favorite coffee mug look like? This question is e v e r y w h e r e. It’s a copper Starbucks mug.

35~ What age do you think it is most difficult to be? I don’t think it’s fair to compare. Everyone goes through their own set of struggles no matter what age they are.

36~ Do you think you could handle a day in jail? Not the ones here.

37~ Who is the most overbearing person you know? My mom can definitely be one.

38~ Have you ever been on a trampoline? Yes :) Rita has one in her house and it was a lot of fun jumping on it. It was a huge one too; 7 or 8 of us were playing on the trampoline at one point.

39~ What do you use batteries for the most often? I haven’t had to use those in a while. I guess remote controls? Even though I barely touch those anymore.

40~ Would you prefer to wrap your own presents or have them all gift wrapped? I don’t how to wrap presents, so I asked my sister to do it for me in exchange for money hahahahaha. That might be my new Christmas practice from here on out.