#just hurts
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cow has strep throat i am dying
#thank goodness it’s nothing worse and i’m not congested tho#just hurts#i have never had strep before so bear w me#i don’t get sick often and i always feel so pitiful and sad abt it#talk
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how is everyone doing this fine day?
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oh my god. i forgot how much i miss my old friends
#ooc#jesus#most of the people i used to roll with in the hs fandom are gone#they arent doing it anymore#and being reminded of them#just hurts#i miss the times we had together#im sad that it's over#and its been over for a long time#and ive been so busy i just didnt. register#sorry#bit of a vent post#im glad that i had them though#i wouldnt trade it for the world
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sorry im kinda spiralling
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im no longer menstruating but the endo is still bad enough that I'm thoroughly considering some tramadol, which I haven't had to do since I started the thyroid meds and is a little concerning
#its definitely spreading i just dont know how bad#just hurts#it feels like the after affects of being suckerpunched in the liver kidney and diaphragm all at once but in my whole abdomen#and I'd like it to stop#I think the pain would be more bearable if it didn't make me feel so pukey in an unidentifiable way#and also the horrible glass shards in my body whenever i pee that can go too#im trying to pass a kidney stone this isn't fucking helping
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"There's a certain kind of happiness, that doesn't happen twice" living rent free in my head because even as I make new happy memories and moments, there truly are just moments you'll never be able to replicate.
And they're usually so mundane, it hurts to think about.
#walking down the beach with your entire family#watch everyone play mahjong loudly next to you#this will never come back#and the accute knowledge those days are over#just hurts#just as a note#i still enjoy life#it's just#i think about this a lot#growing old will likely be a lot of this#but also knowing that tomorrow will be another day that I will mourn in the future#so better enjoy while i still can#btw that line is from the english lemon cover by rebecca butler#great performance
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probably won’t be that active on here for a while because my lovely cat died. really messed me up.
#me and my family used to joke that she was the most loved cat in the world#she’s an integral part of my life#just hurts#can’t really grieve properly as well because it’s making me physically ill#fan fact turns out grieving makes me throw up#vent#i gues#fuck I just realised i’m eventually going to have to tell my childhood friend#we both grew up with her#miss her so much#I just need her#need to hug my cat#fuckkkkkkk#I love her#anyway yeah taking a tumblr break probably idk
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No single line has ever wrecked me as hard as this one from the Good Place and I think about it constantly
#the good place#i'm binge watching it again and it just takes me out so hard#i get lost in the sauce thinking about this quote#the idea that those who hurt you are capable of being better people and then seeing them change and grow just hits me right between the rib#who am i kidding it stabs me like the senators stabbed Caesar#anyway#icy does a tag ramble
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lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)
if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.
--
no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.
I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.
I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.
If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.
#cw: suicidal ideation#cw: suicide#cw: self harm#cw: mental health#cw: depression#i made the balloon the main representation of my self destructive urges for a reason but im not going to explain it#i tried to keep a lot of the details in this vague#it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves#so. please dont#for a long time even the thought of making this comic felt so insipid and narcissistic#with the state of the world as it is#having the only threat to your life be yourself felt so privileged and trite and shameful#but doing this comic made me sit down and process things in full#and im just. very grateful i didn't give in to my thoughts back when i sincerely felt i'd be more useful to the world dead#i also feel the need to say that this wont represent everyone's battle with mental illness. its unfortunately different for all of us#there is no fix-all#and im afraid this might be one of those comics that either resonates a lot or misses the target by a mile#i made it for myself foremost. and now that its done im glad i did it#thank you for reading#and please stay alive#stillindigo art#stillindigo comics
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There's no way I can go to this convention. I keep staring at the cosplay I thrifted. Putting on the cosplay, doing my makeup, taking the bus, taking the train, waiting in line, all to be at the convention alone? It makes me want to cry. I ruined everything for myself, again. I have no one to go with, no one to have drinks afterwards with. I feel like such an idiot. I'm not even going to get tickets next year, what was I thinking, getting tickets that far in advance? It ended up being a waste of money.
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what is with men being mad any time a woman raises her voice where did that even come from. someone posted a video of a small electrical explosion, and the top comment was of course the woman screams. the second comment is women try not to scream challenge, level impossible. i had to go back and watch the video again. there is, somewhat fainty, a little gasp emitted off-camera, more of a yelp than a scream. it is mostly lost in the crack of the explosion. afterwards, you hear her voice, shaken, say, are you okay?
i am helping one of my friends train her voice pitch lower, because she wants to be taken seriously at work. she and i do each other's nails and talk about gender roles; and how - due to our appearance - neither of us have ever been able to be "hysterical" in public. we both appear young and sweet and feminine. she is cisgender, and cannot use her natural voice in her profession because people keep saying she appears to be "vapid". we both try to figure out if our purposeful voice lowering is technically sexist. is it promoting something when you are a victim to it?
a storm almost sends a pole through a car window. in the dashcam, you can hear the woman passenger say her partner's name twice, crying out in alarm. she sounds terrified. in the comments, she is lambasted for her lack of calm. how is that even fucking helping?
in high school, i taught myself to have a lower voice. i had been recorded when i was genuinely (and righteously) upset; and i hated how my voice sounded on the phone speakers when it was played back. i was defending my mom, and my voice cracked with emotion. it meant i was no longer winning the argument: i was just shrieking about it.
girls meet each other after a long summer and let out a little joyful scream. this usually stops around 12-14, because people will not tolerate this display of affection (as it has the effect of being passingly annoying). something about the fact that little girls can't ever even be annoying. we are trained to examine each part of our lives (even joy) for anything that could make us upsetting and disgusting. they act like teenage girls are breaking into houses and shrieking you awake at 3 in the morning. speaking as a public school educator: trust me, it's not that bad, you can just roll your eyes and move on. it does not compare to the ways boys end up being annoying: slurs in graffiti, purposefully mocking your body, following you after you said no. you know, just boy things.
there's another video of a man who is not allowed to yell in the house, so he snaps his fingers when he's excited about soccer. the comments are full of angry men, talking about how their brother is unfairly caged. let him express himself and this is terrible to do to someone. eventually the couple has to address it in a second video: they are married with a newborn baby. he was trying not to wake the infant up. there is no comment on the fact women are not allowed to yell indoors. or the fact that it could have been really alarming or triggering for his wife. sometimes i wonder if straight men even like women, if they even enjoy being in relationships with them.
for the longest time, i hated roller coasters because it always felt inappropriate and uncomfortable for me to scream. one of my friends called me on it, said it was unusual i'm so unwilling. i had to go to my therapist about it. i don't like to scream because i was not raised in a safe situation, and raising my voice would have brought unsafe attention towards me. even when i am supposed to scream, it feels shameful, guilty. i was not treated kindly, so i lack a basic form of self-protection. this is not a natural response. it is not good that in a situation of high adrenaline - i shut up about it.
something very bad is happening, i think. in between all the beauty standards and the stuff i've already discussed - this one feels new and cruel in a way i can't quite express. yes, it's scary and silencing. but there's something about how direct it is - that so many men agree with the sentiment that women should never yell, even in an emergency - it feels different.
is the word shriek gendered automatically? how about shrill or screech? in self defense class, one of the first things they tell you is to yell, as loud and as shrilly as you can. they say it will feel rude. most women will not do this. you need to practice overcoming the social pressure and just scream.
most women do not cry out, even when it's bad. we do not report it. we walk faster. we do not make a scene. what would be the point of doing anything else? no matter what we do, we don't get taken seriously. it is a joke to them. an instagram caption punchline. we have to present ourselves as silent, beautiful, captivating - "valuable."
a woman is outside watching her kids when someone throws a firecracker at them. she screams and runs towards her children. in the comments, grown men flock together in the thousands: god. women are so annoying.
#warm up#writeblr#this one has bothered me for a bit#any time a woman does something even passingly annoying we treat it like a fucking crime#hey man. women are allowed to be annoying. everyone forever is allowed to be passingly annoying#as long as they aren't hurting anyone/thing#like u wanna know something? i find it super annoying that men don't wear seatbelts#why arent there thousands of comments on driving videos thats just like : men try not to die in a car crash challenge#''this briefly annoyed me''. okay??????? AND????????????????? go get ur self a cookie and calm down about it#ur not entitled to control other ppl's experiences and emotions just so u can maintain ur own peace#if being briefly annoyed ruins ur whole day! you! need! therapy!!!!#men try not to become immediately angry about nothing challenge: level impossible#ps author is nonbinary. we didn't even get into the gender presentation thing#the fact men think it's SEXY that my voice is on the lower end....
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[images ID: three images of a comic titled "one must imagine sisyphus happy" by druid-for-hire. it is a visual narrative beginning with someone with wrist pain (depicted by bright orange nerves) working at a drafting table. the reader is shown the same wrist as the person uses it for many everyday tasks such as carrying a grocery basket, pushing elevator buttons, typing, and doing dishes, until the pain dissolves all the panels into chaos. the person then performs several physical therapy exercises until the pain subsides. they sit back down at a desk with their laptop, sigh, and begin typing. a small spark of pain reappears. end id]
a fun little piece i made during the semester and submitted into our school comic anthology! (which you can buy at the Static Fish table at MoCCAFest in NYC ;] ). it's about artists and injury
#comic art#comics#original comic#chronic pain#carpal tunnel#tendonitis#my art#original#edit: what a delightful surprise to see this take off#this was made for class on very low fuel and very few thoughts and late at night and exhausted#the prompt was just a wordless narrative essay. three pages. and i had nothing and no ideas#and my head hurt and i was too tired to think about doing any of the like. research and mind mapping and ideating i'd do otherwise#but my arm hurt#so i decided to do a thing about arm hurty#i'm surprised to see so many people finding it resonating with them#but then again i shouldn't be. the universal lies in the specific#i should make more things about smaller stuff
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your love returns in tragedy (ID in alt)
#farcille#falin touden#marcille donato#dungeon meshi#dunmeshi#coming face to face with the consequences of acting out of love - marcille u will always be famous#dunmeshi is really a series that keeps on moving bc it's about so many different characters and centered on the journey#rather than like... introspectively on one singular individual so i dont think we see marcille dwell on it but we can see her fatigue#her shock and surprise in the recent ep “don't hurt her she's just confused” Gah. desperately trying to grasp everything thats going on and#not to lose hope. bc undoubtedly the remains she put together was falin's - that short moment of reprieve the party had was with falin#she was able to bring her back her magic did it!! but the violence the fatal swings was not falin at all.#just pondering about holding that guilt... it's such a huge responsibility to be in charge of life in the first place and yet it is#a burden she'll keep trudging with. defying the natural orders to keep the people she love alive... i Lauv her...#also shared sentiment with the rest of the fandom but God. Chimera Falin... she is Everything....#ruporas art
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i know we all laugh (mostly fondly) about the paper-thin plots in porn that only exist to make the sex happen, but i was reading some old stargate fic over the weekend, and i really think we're sleeping on the paper-thin hurt/comfort plot that only exists to force the characters to FEEL THINGS.
like, is this scenario realistic? no. does it make any rational sense? no. does it provide a built-in excuse for a character to collapse, bloody and disoriented, into the arms of his beloved/friend/partner? obviously, that's the whole point of this exercise.
i love it. it's my favorite thing in the world.
#writing#hurt/comfort#much like smut it operates on the assumption that we all know what we're here for#obviously you CAN write a fully coherent plot with hurt/comfort elements just like you can write one with smutty elements#and those are lovely too#but there's something so charming about fics that are like#'look we all know what you came here for. i don't have to explain myself.'
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want runs deep in you, heavy and thick, and the dam is creaking under its weight.
want is like dust, thousands of years worth of dust on your heavy shoulders and you dare not move. if you stay very still and keep to yourself maybe no one will notice.
want is like grief, love left unclaimed. want is like hunger and you are famished.
wanting is dangerous, so you smother it.
#good omens#ineffable husbands#crowley#aziraphale#aziraphale x crowley#myart#i planned to do this proper but honestly the sketchiness just adds to it#aziraphale and skin hunger keeps me up at night#the overlap of them being on “the wrong sides” and them reading as older gay men hurts my soul#nsft#a little#tried to keep it vague
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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